UNREAL

"Pilot"
by
Chase Doutre

801-641-9323
[email protected]

ACT ONE
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT
ABBY(20s) and TOM(20s) sit at a table with bowls of soup.
TOM
So do you have any brothers or
sisters?
ABBY
I actually have two-Tom knocks over his drink.
TOM
And there goes my drink.
ABBY
Do you want a napkin?
Abby reaches across the table with a napkin. She spills her
drink on Tom.
Tom pushes away from the table. Abbys soup splashes in her
lap.
ABBY (CONTD)
Ow! What are you blind?
Long silence.
TOM
Yeah, obviously.
...Me too.

ABBY

HUNT LANGER(30s), handsome and he knows it, jumps between the

couple with a microphone.
HUNT
Tom and Abby, youve just been
Blindsided!
What?

TOM

HUNT
Youre on Americas most literal
blind date reality show:
Blindsided!
(MORE)

2.
HUNT (CONT'D)
We put two blind people on a date,
hit the timer, and see how long it
takes them to figure out... theyre
both blind!
ABBY
Am I going to be on the radio!?
HUNT
Your time was eleven minutes thirty
seven seconds. Thats earned you
two free gift cards to this
restaurant!
Hunt pulls out the gift cards and tucks them in Toms shirt
pocket.
HUNT (CONTD)
Thanks for playing guys.
The entire restaurant, minus the couple, gets up and leaves.
Hunt turns off the lights on his way out.
Tom and Abby sit alone in the dark.
TOM
So you were saying you have two
siblings?
INT. EDITING BAY - DAY
Everything in the room would be state of the art, if this
were ten years ago.
The last scene of Blindsided replays on an editing monitor.
CHET WHITE(33), a wimpy, black germaphobe, rocks back and
forth in his computer chair.
WINSTON STACEY(23) watches the monitor behind Chet. Hes
dressed to the nines but has no idea what that means.
WINSTON
Does he come off as too blind?
CHET
Thats what I was thinking.
WINSTON
Or maybe hes not blind enough?

3.
CHET
But then I came to that conclusion
as well.
Winston studies the monitor.
WINSTON
I feel like the audience is going
to get bored. Is there anyway we
can make the girl black?
CHET
I dont... I dont think so.
WINSTON
What about Indian? I could go for
Indian.
RING RING
Hold on.

WINSTON (CONTD)

Winston answers his phone.

WINSTON (CONTD)
(in phone)
Hey Mom. I mean Dad.
INT. LOBBY - DAY
TINA BEAN(48), a large-breasted cougar, two cigarettes away
from a tracheotomy, skims the newspaper behind the front
desk.
She tears out a section from the obituaries.
A buff PIZZA DELIVERY BOY(20s) approaches the desk with a
pizza box and a manila folder.
Tina looks him up and down.
They speak in rhymes for this scene only.
TINA
Is this a pornography?
PIZZA DELIVERY BOY
Its a pizza delivery.
TINA
Who called it in?

4.
The Delivery Boy checks the folder.
PIZZA DELIVERY BOY
Stacey, first name Winston.
TINA
Well, nobody told me.
PIZZA DELIVERY BOY
Its a large pepperoni.
TINA
Go sit over there.
Tina points at a chair by the window.
PIZZA DELIVERY BOY
Ill take a seat in that-Actually, Ill stand.
INT. EDITING BAY - DAY
Winston talks on the phone. Chet searches how to turn white
people black on the computer.
WINSTON
(in phone)
No, we shot the blind one, Dad.
(beat)
Yeah, we shot it anyway.
(beat)
I thought you were testing me.
(beat)
Oh, so Im just supposed to assume
youre not testing me?
(beat)
Oh, okay.
Winston hangs up.
WINSTON (CONTD)
Lain just shutdown Blindsided.
CHET
Im still getting paid right?
WINSTON
Didnt you get paid like two weeks
ago?

5.
INT. OFFICE AREA - DAY
The DMV looks fun in comparison. A sign on the wall reads:
Stacey/Thompson Productions - Where Reality Becomes Real.
EMILY DOUGLAS(29), the first ever Type A+ personality, looks
over paperwork at her overcrowded desk. Headshots of blind
people are stacked neatly in the corner.
Across from her, MATT HARMON(28) watches a closed door. Aside
from his feet, his desk is empty. Aside from the work, he
loves this job.
EMILY
Can you lend me a hand here? Ever
since you convinced Winston to
allow Man vs. Child our list of
child actors has gotten pretty
short.
Matts attention stays on the door.
EMILY (CONTD)
And dont just suggest replacing
the kids with midgets again. Were
still trying to... Matt, are you
even listening to me?
The door opens. Chet walks out, defeated.
Matt stands.
MATT
Yeah, totally. Midgets.
Matt heads for the door.
EMILY
Where are you going?
(beat)
Wait, do you really want to use
midgets?
INT. EDITING BAY - DAY
Winston scribbles in a notebook.
WINSTON
Youre going to cancel my show,
Dad? Then Im going to cancel your
shows... on the DVR. Thats right,
I figured out how to use it.

6.
He admires his letter, then rips it out and tosses it in a
trash can.
Matt enters.
MATT
Hey, I need to head home really
quick or maybe for the day.
WINSTON
Is it your iguana?
MATT
Nah, Jerrys dead. But my mom just
got that thing thats going around.
WINSTON
Did she get it from the iguana?
MATT
No, she got...
Matt searches for a word.
...polio.

MATT (CONTD)

WINSTON
(concerned)
Wait, polio or poliolio?
MATT
Uh, just polio.
Thank god.

WINSTON

MATT
Yeah, so Ill see you tomorrow.
Matt opens the door.
WINSTON
Is that Wednesday?
Matt stops.
Yeah.
Hump day.

MATT
WINSTON

7.

Yep.

MATT

Matt leaves.
INT. OFFICE AREA - DAY
The amount of paperwork on Emilys desk has doubled. Matt
walks by.
EMILY
I still need-MATT
Cant talk. Ive gotta go home.
EMILY
Theres no way your iguana is
sick again.
MATT
What iguana?
Matt picks up a lone paper on his desk, scowls, and adds it
to Emilys stack.
MATT (CONTD)
My mom got polio today.
EMILY
Polio isnt even a problem anymore.
MATT
Sure, it is. Lots of people have
polio.
Name one.

EMILY

MATT
My mom. Alright, bye.
Matt leaves.
INT. LOBBY - DAY
The Pizza Delivery Boy watches Tina attempt to shove the
entire newspaper in the shredder.
Matt walks through the lobby.

8.
PIZZA DELIVERY BOY
Winston Stacey?
MATT
Nope. Papa John?
Matt leaves.
The Delivery Boy looks over at Tina as she struggles with the
shredder.
He walks past her to the offices.
INT. EDITING BAY - DAY
Winston searches polioliolio on Chets computer. The
Delivery Boy pokes his head in the room.
PIZZA DELIVERY BOY
Winston Stacey?
Yeah?

WINSTON

The Delivery Boy approaches Winston and offers him the manila
folder.
PIZZA DELIVERY BOY
Youve been served.
Winston grabs the pizza box instead.
WINSTON
Oh, thanks. I didnt know we
ordered pizza.
PIZZA DELIVERY BOY
No, youre being sued.
He hands Winston the folder.
WINSTON
Youre suing me?
PIZZA DELIVERY BOY
No, someone else-WINSTON
You guys are worse than Pizza
Bucket.
Winston sets down the folder and pizza box. He reaches for
his wallet.

9.
WINSTON (CONTD)
I should be the one suing you.
PIZZA DELIVERY BOY
Sir, Im not a-Winston pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the
Delivery Boy.
PIZZA DELIVERY BOY (CONTD)
Have a nice day.
He leaves.
Winston opens the pizza box.
WINSTON
(disgusted)
Pepperoni?
END OF ACT ONE

10.
ACT TWO
INT. MATTS KITCHEN - NEXT MORNING
Matt reads Variety magazine while he eats cereal at the
counter.
KRISTEN MANWILL(23) rushes down the stairs. She has the body
and brain capacity of a Barbie doll.
KRISTEN
What are you doing here?
MATT
Im eating Corn Pops.
KRISTEN
You should be at work providing for
our family.
Family?

MATT

KRISTEN
Our future family, babe.
MATT
This is standard breakfast
conversation.
Matt compares the cereal on the box to the cereal in his
bowl. He frowns.
KRISTEN
For our little boys, Lincoln and
Kennedy.
MATT
Youre naming our future kids
after presidents?
KRISTEN
Studies show naming your kids after
successful people improves their
chances of being successful.
MATT
So you chose the names of two
presidents, who were murdered.

11.
KRISTEN
Assassinated, Matt. Only famous
people can be assassinated. Like
our future children.
Kristen takes a bite of Matts cereal. She spits it back into
the bowl.
KRISTEN (CONTD)
Oh gross, you are not eating this.
She dumps the bowl in the sink.
MATT
Apparently not.
KRISTEN
Also, its like 1:40. Youre really
late for work.
Kristen goes back upstairs.
Matt glances at the analog clock on the wall. It reads 8:05.
He sighs.
INT. OFFICE AREA - MORNING
Emily looks over headshots of midgets at her desk.
Winston enters with a large stack of flyers and the manila
folder from yesterday.
WINSTON
So Ive got bad news and worse
news, Emily. Bad news: Matts mom
has polio.
EMILY
You know polio has been cured.
WINSTON
But thanks to me, we can make this
bad news, bad-ass news with these
babies.
Winston holds up one of the flyers. Its a picture of Smokey
the Bear with the caption: Only you can prevent forest
fires. Forest fires has been crossed out and replaced with
the word polio.

12.
WINSTON (CONTD)
Only you can prevent polio.
Pretty awesome, right? Hes a
grizzly bear that hates polio.
EMILY
Smokey the Bear. Thats original.
WINSTON
Matts going to love them.
EMILY
So if Smokey is fighting polio, who
is fighting forest fires... the
three little bears?
Emily laughs. Winston doesnt.
EMILY (CONTD)
What? Oh come on, that was funny.
Fine, whats the worse news?
WINSTON
Oh yeah, were being sued.
EMILY
Youre kidding me. By who?
Winston tapes a flyer to her monitor.
WINSTON
Did you say something?
EMILY
Who is suing us, Winston?
WINSTON
Just some pizza boy bitch.
EMILY
Please tell me you did not call him
a bitch.
WINSTON
I wish I would have, but he was too
busy shoving his bitch lawsuit in
my bitch face.
Winston waves around the manila folder.
EMILY
Give that to me.
Emily grabs the folder out of his hands.

13.
EMILY (CONTD)
And you just called yourself a
bitch.
WINSTON
(under his breath)
Bitch.
INT. LOBBY - DAY
Typing with two fingers, Tina slowly updates her online
dating profile. She plagiarizes from the obituary she ripped
out earlier.
Matt strolls in with his Variety magazine.
MATT
Looks like those Mavis Beacon
lessons are really paying off.
TINA
Who the hell is Francis Bacon?
Matt throws the magazine on the counter.
MATT
Knowledge is power, Tina.
He walks back to the offices.
Tina shreds Matts magazine.
INT. WINSTONS OFFICE - DAY
Emily and Chet look over pages from the lawsuit. Winston
slouches in his chair.
WINSTON
Okay, it isnt even a big deal.
Like we probably just cant get
delivery anymore. We should be
focusing on this polio problem
anyway.
CHET
Polio problem?
EMILY
Have you even read the lawsuit?
Emily hands a document from the manila folder to Winston.

14.
WINSTON
Ive dabbled.
EMILY
Joshua Maxwell from Legally Bound
is suing us, not Pickles Pizza.
Winston accidentally punctures the document with his pen.
CHET
Am I going to lose my job?
(beat)
Is that Pickles place hiring?
WINSTON
Wait, Josh is suing us? I thought I
settled that like three years ago.
EMILY
This happened last month.
EXT. MANSION - NIGHT
SUPER: Last month.
Hunt stands between a lanky virgin, JOSHUA MAXWELL(20s), and
two beautiful ladies, AUDREY(20s) and LAUREN(20s), on the
front lawn.
Hunt grips a mic and an envelope.
Between Hunt and Joshua, theres a pedestal with an unsigned
marriage certificate and a faux-feather fountain pen on it.
HUNT
(to camera)
Weve come a long way on Legally
Bound. Thanks to our viewers at
home, weve liberated ten gorgeous
women from their legal obligation
to marry Joshua. Only two remain.
JOSHUA
(whisper)
They have to consummate the
marriage right?
HUNT
Uh... yes. I believe so.
JOSHUA
Alright, awesome. Thats awesome...
just awesome. Awesome.

15.
Hunt rips open the letter and reads it.
HUNT
And the winner, chosen by you
America, is... Audrey.
Hunt checks out Audrey as he golf claps. He smiles into the
camera.
Lauren jumps up and down in excitement then leaves.
Audrey reluctantly steps towards the pedestal.
Joshua hands her the pen.
JOSHUA
I cant wait... to have sex with
your vagina.
Audrey cries.
HUNT
(to camera)
Tears of joy. Lovely.
AUDREY
I cant do this.
Audrey stabs Joshua in the neck with the pen.
Joshua screams in pain.
Audrey runs off.
JOSHUA
Oh my god, Audrey! You bitch! You
hot bitch!
Joshua drops to the ground, the pen stuck in his neck.
Hunt moves to help Joshua, but then chases after Audrey.
JOSHUA (CONTD)
Im not sure what hurts worse: my
neck or my heart!
(beat)
Its my neck.
INT. WINSTONS OFFICE - DAY
Winston nods as he plays with his phone.

16.
WINSTON
Oh, I get it now. He swore on TV.
Thats why were suing him.
EMILY
I dont see how I can explain this
any better. He got stabbed in the
neck on our show. Hes suing us.
WINSTON
And now were suing him back for
swearing on TV. You tricky slut.
That just might work.
EMILY
No, it wont. I need to call your
dad.
Winston straightens up.
WINSTON
I dont think we have to bother
Lain with such a trivial matter.
EMILY
Actually, youre right. We should
bother our lawyer first. Then Lain.
BZZZ BZZZ
Emily takes out her phone to read a text.
EMILY (CONTD)
Emily is gay. You sent this to
me, Winston.
Winston laughs and turns to high five Chet. He stops.
WINSTON
(gangster)
Oh wait, my bad, my ni-Dont.
Neighbor.
He fist-bumps Chet.

EMILY
WINSTON

17.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Hunt parades down the hallway. He crosses paths with Tina,
who is taping up Winstons polio flyers.
Hunt pulls out a marker and signs the flyer in her hand.
HUNT.
I always have time for my fans.
What?

TINA

HUNT
You dont even have to ask.
Hunt signs her breast.
HUNT (CONTD)
Thats permanent, you know.
INT. WINSTONS OFFICE - DAY
Hunt enters.
EMILY
You were supposed to be here an
hour ago.
HUNT
Time flies when youre drunk.
Hunt unbuckles his pants.
Not again.

CHET

Hunt pulls out a bottle of vodka from his waistband.

WINSTON
(gangster)
My neighbor!
EMILY
People dont say that.
Hunt grabs a small flower vase and dumps out the flowers.
Winston holds out his coffee mug.
He fills both containers with vodka.

18.
EMILY (CONTD)
Seriously, were being sued. Put
that away.
HUNT
Wait, we as in me? Or we as in you?
Cause if its we as in you, I
really dont care.
EMILY
We as in the company.
HUNT
Youre not making a very compelling
argument.
Hunt forces the flower vase on Emily then side hugs Chet.
HUNT (CONTD)
Cup your hands.
Why?

CHET

Chet cups his hands.

Hunt pours vodka into Chets hands.
Oh whoa.

CHET (CONTD)

Emily sets down the vase.

EMILY
Hunt, really. I e-mailed you about
this.
HUNT
Psh, you still e-mail?
Hunt raises the bottle.
HUNT (CONTD)
Okay, one two three.
Winston and Hunt take a swig.
Chet nervously looks back and forth between Emily and his
dripping hands. He takes a sip.
EMILY
So this is what were doing? This
is how were handling this?

19.
HUNT
Beats calling Lain.
CHET
He doesnt even like good news.
Emily sighs. She picks up the flower vase and takes a swig.
The boys cheer.
Winston, in the moment, throws his mug at the wall.
WINSTON
Chet, get those pants off!
INT. OFFICE AREA - LATER
Matt spins around in his chair. He comes face to chest with a
very drunk Emily.
Hi Matt.
Hi Emily.

EMILY
MATT

Emily sits on his lap.

MATT (CONTD)
Whoa there.
EMILY
Come here. I need to talk to you.
MATT
You need to talk to your AA sponsor
and then you can come talk to me.
EMILY
Matt, youre so fucking funny
sometimes. But I need some advice,
straight from the horses mouth.
Emily pokes Matt in the cheek.
EMILY (CONTD)
(whisper)
Thats you... neigh.
MATT
Okay. Thats enough of you.
Matt pushes Emily off his lap onto the floor. Emily gets up,
dusts off, then lays across Matts desk.

20.
EMILY
So were being sued. Just a little
bit. And Im in charge, kinda. So I
called Winston and Hunt and Chet...
Chet White, but hes black.
Emily smiles, waiting for Matts reaction.
And?

MATT

EMILY
And we had a meeting. And now we
have another meeting in an hour
with Josh! So... so.
MATT
Wait, Joshua Maxwell is suing us?
The my neck or my heart guy?
EMILY
Yes! Youre like the smartest guy
Im talking to right now.
MATT
I was going to say the same thing
about you.
EMILY
(flattered)
Matt.
RING RING
MATT
Hold that thought.
Matt pulls out his phone.
MATT (CONTD)
(in phone)
Hello.
KRISTEN (V.O.)
How could you not tell me your mom
has polio? Did you give me polio
too? Am I going to have to get
tested? Actually, I dont even want
to know. Bye forever!
She hangs up. Matt puts away his phone.
BZZZ BZZZ

21.
Matt pulls out his phone again. He has a text from Kristen:
luv u! see u 2nite! He smirks.
Winston and Hunt, in a human wheelbarrow, barge in and
collapse on the carpet.
LAIN STACEY(60s), Winstons father, stands above them. Hes
short, pudgy, and absolutely terrifying.
LAIN
I cant wait to hear the reason for
this.
The boys jump up.
Hunt pulls out a flask from his jacket and holds it out to
Lain.
HUNT
Morning Lain.
No.

LAIN

HUNT
More for me.
Hunt begins a long pull from his flask.
Lain eyes Emily spread on Matts desk.
LAIN
Anybody care to explain whats
going on here?
Behind Lain, a door opens. Chet walks out, pantless. He
notices Lain and moonwalks back through the door.
Hunt finishes the flask.
HUNT
(to himself)
Five servings my ass.
(to Lain)
So were being sued. Just thought
Id get that elephant out of the
room.
Emily jerks up spread eagle. Matt tries not to look.
EMILY
Quick! Lains coming!
She notices Lain.

22.
EMILY (CONTD)
Oh, hey Lain. So say we need a
lawyer. Where is his number look
like?
She points to the computer.
EMILY (CONTD)
Is it here?
She pokes Matt in the cheek.
EMILY (CONTD)
How about here?
She points to her own forehead.
EMILY (CONTD)
Cause its definitely not here. I
checked.
She smiles.
LAIN
I see Emily has adopted her
mothers alcoholism.
Matt pulls down Emilys arms.
LAIN (CONTD)
If someone doesnt tell me whats
happening right now, youre all
fired. If you dont fix whatever is
happening, youre all fired. And if
Chet doesnt put some damn pants
on, youre all fired.
WINSTON
If you must know, Matts mom was
just diagnosed with polio, and Im
not taking it that well.
LAIN
No, the lawsuit.
WINSTON
Oh that. Some virgin got stabbed in
the neck on our show.
So?

LAIN

WINSTON
It was unplanned.

23.
LAIN
That seems to be a reoccurring
theme in your life.
WINSTON
Were meeting with him today to
convince him not to sue.
Emily vomits in Matts lap.
LAIN
You convinced me. Clean this up.
And the vomit.
Lain exits.
END OF ACT TWO

24.
ACT THREE
INT. OFFICE AREA - DAY
Tina hands Matt a roll of paper towels. He dabs his pants
with them.
MATT
That went well.
WINSTON
I didnt think so. My dad didnt
even care when I dropped the p
word.
MATT
Yeah, about that.
P word?

HUNT

WINSTON
Polio. Matts mom caught it.
Gross.

HUNT

EMILY
(vomit on her lips)
Gross.
Matt hands Emily the roll of paper towels.
Chet rushes in with the vodka bottle, pours a drink in his
cupped hand, and gulps it.
CHET
Did Lain say anything about me? Oh
god! Did he see me? Am I fired?
Chet lights a cigarette.
MATT
Calm down. Nobodys fired.
Chets hands burst into flame. He screams and sprints to the
bathroom.
Matt takes in his surroundings.
Hunt flirts with Tina, leaned against a copier.
Winston signs for a package with a DELIVERY MAN(30s).

25.
Emilys passed out.
Matt takes a deep breath.
MATT (CONTD)
Guys, I think Emilys dead.
The room goes silent.
Winston drops the package.
Emily jolts awake.
EMILY
Oh my god, Ill drive us to the
hospital.
MATT
Okay, now that I have all of your
attention. Lets think about this
for a second. Were talking about
Joshua Maxwell, the horniest man in
reality television.
Emily laughs as she does a jerk-off motion.
MATT (CONTD)
What would a guy like this want?
Winston picks up the box.
WINSTON
My package.
Not quite.

MATT

Hunt, distracted, scribbles on Tinas other breast.

Women.

HUNT

MATT
Good, Hunt.
Hunt looks up, pleased.
MATT (CONTD)
But more specifically, women who
have to touch him. How do we give
him that? Anybody?
Blank stares.

26.
MATT (CONTD)
We give him...
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
Winston stands at the head of the table.
WINSTON
...Desperate women and Joshua
Maxwell on an island or something:
the television show.
Matt sits across from Audrey and Joshua. Joshuas neck is
heavily bandaged.
MATT
Its a working title.
JOSHUA
I love it, but I still have to sue
you.
I tried.

WINSTON

Winston plops into his chair. In front of him, a package full

of Polo brand wristbands.
He scribbles an i onto the wristbands so they read POLIO.
Have to?

MATT

AUDREY
Yes, he has to. He promised me.
She puts her hand in Joshuas lap. He smiles.
JOSHUA
How could I say no to this pretty
face?
MATT
Well, if that pretty face put a pen
in my neck, I dont think itd be
too difficult.
AUDREY
Were past that.
(to Joshua)
Arent we, babe?

27.
JOSHUA
Love does heal all wounds.
MATT
Including neck wounds?
AUDREY
Especially neck wounds. Now lets
get to the part where you write us
a check. Thats my favorite part.
JOSHUA
She sure does love that part.
Its true.

AUDREY

Joshua laughs.
JOSHUA
Its literally the only reason
shes dating me.
Also true.

AUDREY

MATT
And youre okay with that?
Hunt bursts through the door.
HUNT
Guys, Chet isnt breathing.
AUDREY
Hunt Langer?
HUNT
Girl I know?
JOSHUA
Its Audrey.
AUDREY
I havent seen you since... well
you know.
She giggles.
I dont.

HUNT

MATT
Dammit Hunt, go call 911.

28.
Hunt points at Audrey.
HUNT
I had sex with you somewhere didnt
I?
AUDREY
In Joshys ambulance.
She tousles Joshuas hair. He pushes her away.
JOSHUA
Wait, thats why they had to send a
second ambulance?
HUNT
I wouldnt have ridden in there.
(to Audrey)
So Annie, do you want to help me go
call 911?
AUDREY
Yeah, lets totally go call 911.
Audrey gets up and leaves. Hunt follows.
Silence.
Winston looks up from his work.
WINSTON
Is the meeting over?
JOSHUA
No, but my life is.
Joshua puts his head on the desk.
Winston holds out one of his polio wristbands.
Wristband?

WINSTON

MATT
Josh, I can tell this is a hard
time for you, but you should be
suing Audrey not us.
JOSHUA
I cant sue her. America is
depending on us to make this
relationship work.

29.
MATT
Sure... but let me ask you this,
where did you meet Audrey?
JOSHUA
On a TV show.
His face lights up.
JOSHUA (CONTD)
We could give Audrey a TV show!
Shell fall in love with me all
over again!
MATT
Good idea. Or you sue Audrey and we
create another show to get you a
new girlfriend.
JOSHUA
A new Audrey?
MATT
That wont stab you in the... back.
JOSHUA
Yeah. Lets do it.
MATT
Great, let me make a few calls.
JOSHUA
So I can do it.
He points to his crotch and smiles. Matt forces a smile.
WINSTON
If were going to make this work, I
have one condition.
He taps his polio wristband.
INT. POLICE VAN - NIGHT
The vibe is similar to COPS.
Hunt, a FAT COP(40s), and a LANKY COP(30s) stake out a
Beverly Hills home. Joshua fingers a jelly donut.
HUNT
Were back live for hour seven of
Joshua Maxwells new, hit show:
Cop-A-Feel.

30.
The Fat Cop chuckles at the name.
HUNT (CONTD)
Joshua is still anxiously waiting
for his sexy, sexy suspect-LANKY COP
My legs falling asleep. Lets get
this over with.
They open the sliding door and hop out. Joshua licks his
fingers.
EXT. BEVERLY HILLS HOME - NIGHT
The men rush the porch. The Lanky Cop drags his leg. Joshua
fixes his hair.
The Fat Cop kicks the door in.
Wait here.

LANKY COP

The officers rush in.

FAT COP (O.S.)
Down on the ground, bitch!
A woman screams.
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
HUNT
That was more shots than normal.
JOSHUA
So help me if they shot her boobs.
HUNT
Yeah, that last bust was
unfortunate.
LANKY COP (O.S.)
Come on in boys, this ones a real
looker.
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
The expensive house has been ransacked. The Lanky Cop pins a
FEMALE ADDICT(20s) on the floor.
Joshua and Hunt enter.

31.
HUNT
(to camera)
Heres the moment of truth, folks.
This woman has the choice between
meeting her fate in prison or
meeting, our man, Joshua at the
altar.
Joshua has a visible erection.
HUNT (CONTD)
Joshua, anything youd like to say
to your possible bride-to-be?
JOSHUA
I hope your clothes look as good on
my floor, as your body-The Addict spits out a diamond necklace.
FEMALE ADDICT
Prison! I choose prison!
JOSHUA
No, we can make this work!
HUNT
(to camera)
The decision has been made. Prison.
The Lanky Cop handcuffs the Addict.
HUNT (CONTD)
Better luck next time, Joshua.
(to camera)
And now, as part of our ongoing
polio awareness campaign-Joshua screams.
A MALE ADDICT(20s), draped in nothing but a bear skin rug,
holds Joshua hostage in the doorway.
MALE ADDICT
Roooaaarrr! Im a hungry bear!
The officers draw their guns.
FAT COP
Down on the ground, bitch!
FEMALE ADDICT
I love you, honey!

32.

Honey!

MALE ADDICT

He sinks his rotten teeth into Joshuas neck.

Joshua shrieks in pain and drops to the ground.
INT. EDITING BAY - DAY
Chets bandaged hands cue Joshuas attack on the editing
monitor for Matt, Winston, and Emily.
Emily.

MATT

EMILY
Ill call our lawyer.
She leaves.
WINSTON
Anyone want to order a pizza?
END OF SHOW