COLD OPEN

EXT. STREET - MORNING

ILANA tears down the street at breakneck speed. Is she being
chased?
BULKY MAN (25) races. Hard to make out his chiseled and large
proportions as he frantically speeds.
Ilana - hustling, PANTING, sweating. She WHIMPERS fretfully.
Bulky Man EXHALES DEEP as he tears down the street.
BULKY MAN
Cmon dude!
Bulky Man halts and spins around - frustrated.
It was Ilana chasing him .
BULKY MAN(CONTD)
Okay. What is this?
Ilana skids to a stop, nearly bumping into the man that is
now visibly identifiable as a parking attendant, RUSTY.
WHEEZING, Ilana looks up at the hunky dude sporting a red
windbreaker.
ILANA
Hey, man. Got you.
RUSTY
Got me how?
She reaches over and swipes his arm.
ILANA
Tag. Youre it.
RUSTY
Im not it. I cant be it.
ABBI (O.S.)
Shes just playing with you.

2.

ABBI appears from behind, startling Rusty - he flinches.

Ilana PURRS and mimes a tiger.
ILANA
Kitty always plays with her dinner.
MEOW. Its not cute its creepy. Rusty grimaces.
RUSTY
Im the valet guy. Im working. Are
you guys dining at the restaurant?
ILANA
Is that an invitation?
Abbi and Ilana are closing in, sandwiching Rusty. He darts
his gaze between the two.
ABBI
Do you have the sunrise special of
bottomless mimosas?
RUSTY
Thats just Sundays.
ILANA
(sexually)
The lords day.
(monster truck voice)
Sunday. Sunday. Sunday. Is today
Sunday?
ABBI
No.
ILANA
You asked me out right? You want to
make this a date, yeah?
Rusty breaks the pack and starts heading away.
RUSTY
Im working, I have a car to get.
Abbi and Ilana hustle to keep pace as they enter :
EXT. CAR LOT - CONTINUOUS
Rusty produces a key gets in a car.

3.

RUSTY
Look. I gotta get back or I lose my
tip.
Rusty hops in a fancy vehicle, FIRES IT UP and PEELS out away
from Abbi and Ilana, whom scoff at him.
ABBI
Whatever, broseph!
ILANA
I got a tip for you. Drive away from
here in someone elses car, loser!
Ilana produces a J.
ILANA (CONTD)
Lets hit this.
Abbi looks left and right.
ABBI
Sure. Gotta be a shade spot around
here.
INT. OLD BUICK - MOMENTS LATER
Abbi and Ilana sit in the front seat of a beat up 1973 Buick
Riviera. Its smoky and hotboxed.
ABBI
Valet fella was way into you.
ILANA
No doubt. Too bad, we coulda doubled.
Lincoln made a big ta do about wanting
to have proper date, so...
ABBI
Aw, thats sweet.
ILANA
Yeah. Im letting him buy me dinner
tonight.
Puff puff pass.
IRMA HAMBY
Turn offa the stove, yerll burn the
house down!

4.

Flying out from beneath a pile of newspapers in the backseat

is the disheveled old-timer, IRMA HAMBY (72).
She looks like the crypt-keeper. Abbi and Ilana turn towards
each other and SCREAM with fright.
Ilana slams the car into gear -- puts pedal to the metal!
The engine isnt started however and the car slowly rolls
down a small slope as all three women HOLLER and HOOT.
Gliding about ten feet, the junkers inertia is halted when
the front headlight CRUNCHES into the bumper of another car.
END OF COLD OPEN
CUT TO:
EXT. AQUADUCT RACEWAY - DAY
Shuffling single file through a downtrodden CROWD Abbi and
Ilana are shoved through the turnstile entrance to the horse
races by an anxious Irma.
IRMA HAMBY
Cmon, ladies. Iffn yer ta fix my
conveyance, youll hafta pick us a
winner.
ILANA
But we dont know the first thing
about horse races.
ABBI
I might know the second thing.
IRMA HAMBY
Oh. Not a thing of it ladies. Simple
business. I owe all I have in this
world to the fates of the ponies.
INT. CASHIER - MOMENTS LATER
Abbi and Ilana stare dumbfounded at the odds board. Irma
pokes their ribs as the wall-eyed CASHIER (55) glares at the
three.

5.

IRMA HAMBY
Pick me a winner and lets buy me a new
headlamp today.
ILANA
Cant you choose, lady? This isnt
what youd call my forte.
CASHIER
(waiting)
We will be starting this race today.
IRMA HAMBY
I cant choose. Twas me you offensed
and tis only you that could right the
occurrence.
ABBI
We got this. I do know the second
thing about this game. Go with the
gut. Pick the name you like.
The two start reading off horse names.
IIANA
Grueso Cho-cho?
ABBI
Manky Hanky?
ILANA
Rudolpho Mejor?
ABBI
The Twixlers Grundle.
ILANA
Enormous N Gentle.
ABBI
Hoof-a-stank.
ILANA
Bays Breeze.
ABBI
Bays Breeze?
ILANA
Sup bae.
ABBI
Bays beezy.

6.

ILANA
Bae, bae, bae. Bae, bae, bae.
Ilana and Abbi nod their heads in agreement. Ilana SLAPS her
hand down on the cashiers window.
ILANA (CONTD)
Were throwin down everything we got
on our main bae, Bays Breeze.
Cashier looks down upon Ilanas hand as Ilana pulls it away
to reveal that nothing is beneath it.
Ilana and Abbi turn around to Irma - defeated.
ABBI
We dont have two stones to rub
together.
ILANA
Actually I have a few minerals, but
their technically healing crystals and
arent meant to touch. Or rub.
Ilana pulls two crystals out of her pocket and displays them.
Irma wobbles as she takes off her filthy old shoe. She pulls
a dime out from it and hands it over.
IRMA HAMBY
Here. Its me last dime.
CASHIER
Funny. A dollar is the minimum bet.
Irma wobbles as she takes off her other shoe.
IRMA HAMBY
Here. Is me last dollar.
She hands the cashier dollar bill pulled out from her shoe.
EXT. AQUADUCT RACEWAY - MOMENTS LATER
In the stands, amongst SCREAMING throngs of DEGENERATE
GAMBLERS, Abbi and Ilana CHEER for their horse.

7.

ABBI
Oh my God. Shes way ahead of the
pack.
They SCREAM wildly as a the pack of horses THUNDER by them.
IIANA
Here she comes!
Solitary hooves CLOMPING as Bays Breeze runs by...in the
wrong direction.
Abbi and Illana high five. Irma glares at them and begins to
leave.
IRMA HAMBY
Your beast is going the wrong way.
Shes as ass backwards as a lass at a
piss pot.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Leaving the Aquaduct raceway, Irma fumes.
IRMA HAMBY
OOOooo. Ive never seen such a
terrible horse pickerer!
ILANA
Hold your cabbalos, we were just
trying our best.
ABBI
Yeah, that took a lot of effort back
there.
IRMA HAMBY
It was a far sight from doin enough.
And now yer gonna have to find a
somehow to get it straight.
ILANA
Fine, what would you have us do?
IRMA HAMBY
Just get the cash by tonight or Ill
beat you savagely with a tire iron.
ABBI
You wouldnt.

8.

ILANA
Were calling your bluff.
IRMA HAMBY
The last man called me bluff was
thrown offa a high, steep cliff.

ABBI
Id call that a bluff.
ILANA
Well see what we can do.
EXT. CONEY ISLAND - DAY
Abbi and Ilana strolling down a street with a smattering of
TOURISTS and PEOPLE. Dejected and looking like sad sacks. The
sprawling and garish rides and attractions are behind them.
Abbi kicks a can. Ilana punches the air in an Aw shucks
gesture.
ILANA
If we dont get that cream... we are
like toast.
A huge gust of wind blows a big wheat paste notice right into
Ilanas face. She tussles and wrestles to get free of it.
ILANA (CONTD)
Ewwww.
Ilana removes the poster and Abbi takes note of it.
ABBI
Three rounds with the champ!
ILANA
Huh?
Abbi refers to the text of the poster.
ABBI
Says here. Last three rounds with the
champ and get five hundred bucks.

9.

ILANA
Thats a lot of canola oil. How much
that old grifter want off us?
ABBI
She didnt specify. I just got a
general extortion feeling from her.
ILANA
(indicating to flyer)
Five hundred! Thatll cover it.
ABBI
This is tonight! You gotta train.
ILANA
Um. One, two, three not it. You gotta
be the fist receiver.
ABBI
But you crashed the car.
ILANA
Exactly. Its your turn to do
something now.
ABBI
It was your buds that led us into that
jalopy.
ILANA
See! Ive been doing everything so far
today. I told you before I may be the
more natural fit for alpha positioning
in our dynamic, but I would never do
that to you.
Abbi shrugs big time.
ABBI
Okay. But we are not going to impose
on my place of employment for
training.
ILANA
Sure nuff.
INT. BUTCHER SHOP / MEAT LOCKER - DAY
Ilana grimaces as a huge slab of cow flesh flies into her
face.

10.

POW -- PUNCH -- CLOBBER

Abbi is punching a hanging rack of meat - training, as Ilana
spots her.
ILANA
You got this. Youre hitting really
hard.
ABBI
It doesnt have a face though. I dont
think I can hit a face.
PUNCH -- GRUNT -- SOCK
Bald BUTCHER MAN (55) walks into the meat locker. Hes got a
big ol knife in hand. He does a double take.
Butcher Man shuffles over to Abbi and Ilana.
BUTCHER MAN
Why is this happening?
ILANA
Sorry, guy. We saw the sign up front.
You dont mind right?
BUTCHER MAN
This is very extremely unsanitary and
I want to ask you to leave now.
Abbi stops punching. Butcher Man inspects her hands.
BUTCHER MAN (CONTD)
Jeez. Not all of this is meat blood!
INT . SOULSTICE - DAY
Ilana holds a large pink plastic exercise ball as Abbi
PUNCHES -- KICKS -- and KABLAMOS it.
Ilana bounces backwards but hops forward into the assault.
Its like a weird rhythmic dance. Trey bounds up on a jovial
warpath.
TREY
Abbi. Whats going on here?

11.

ABBI
Training. Its my day off and I have
privileges.
TREY
Right. But we can hear your aggressive
energy in the Spin and Win sesh in the
next room.
ILANA
(to Trey)
We wont be getting those five-hundo
clams without a little blood, tears
and fears. Okay, haircut?
ABBI
Eyes on the prize. Thats right, Im
goin against the champ! Me! I got the
power.
TREY
Whoa! Whoa! Fitness and health isnt
about competition. Its certainly not
Soulstice.
ABBI
What would I know? Im just the
cleaner.
With that Abbi pulls back and WALLOPS the exercise ball with
great force - sending Ilana flying backwards.
TREY
We can look the other way on this. I
just need you to do me a solid.
ABBI
What?
TREY
Theres a solid trapped in the ladies
room toilet.
INT. SOULSTICE / BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Abbi and Ilana are crammed in the toilet stall.
Abbi manipulates a hand crank toilet auger, trying to clear a
clog. She struggles.

12.

ABBI
No dice. I think Ive met my white
whale.
The door to the bathroom OPENS.
ILANA
How bigs that thing?
ABBI
I dunno. I didnt look!
A hurried KNOCK on the stall door.
ILANA
(re: knock)
Occupado, lady.
(to Abbi)
What?! How can you not?!
Ilana peers into the toilet real close.
ABBI
I saw well enough. A poops is a poop
is a poop.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK on the stall.
ABBI (CONTD)
HEY! Im tryin a work here!
DIARRHEA WOMAN (52), stands outside the stall, angrily
dancing with need of relief.
DIARRHEA WOMAN
Cmon... I had a kale smoothie!
ILANA
Like zoinks! Theres a smart phone in
here under all the mud.
DIARRHEA WOMAN
Im bout to make some mud!
ILANA
This is what I call a come up... Kay.
I just need to psych myself up to
reach in and grab it.

13.

Abbi pulls Ilana away. The women have to raise their voices
over Diarrhea Womans incessant BANGING.
ABBI
Its not worth it. It wont work
anyway. Its been in the water.
ILANA
What?! Just put it in a bucket of
rice.
Abbi shoves the snake in and tries to clear it.
ABBI
Thats an old wives tale- besides I
work here and am morally obligated to
turn it in to lost and found.
ILANA
What?! But its your day off.
Abbi is SWEATY and GRUNTS from her violent snaking action.
The BANGING on the door crescendos.
ABBI
FINE!
She rips out toilet seat covers and wraps up her hand like a
mummy- dives down and thrusts her hand into the toilet.
DIARRHEA WOMAN
I cant cork this any longer!
Diarrhea Woman pulls back and BAM - shoulder rams the door.
CRASH
She flies through. Ilana reacts in shock. The door slams
Abbis butt and jams her forward - her arm twisting in the
toilet.
CRUNCH.
Abbi SCREAMS. Her face alight with pain.
Ilanas eyes bug, reacting in terror.

14.

EXT. LINDEN BLVD - DAY

Ilana struts down the street on her cell, Abbi a few steps
behind rubbing her arm.
ILANA
(on phone)
Just sayin, you take the hydraulic
belts away from Jamiroquai and maybe
he dont dance too good after all.
INTERCUT
INT. BOXING CLUB - SAME
JAIME talks on the phone on the sly as two BOXERS go at it
behind him.
JAIME
(on phone)
But maybe jew take very good dancer,
put him on a treadmill and is better.
ILANA
Point. Match. Whats the prognosis on
the champ then? Gimme the deets.
Jaime looks to CHAMP (35), pummeling OTHER BOXER. All we see
are punches pulverizing the poor fellow.
PUNCH after PUNCH lands - Jaime grimaces.
Abbi catches up to Ilana.
ABBI
Hey forget it, I cant swing with my
arm like this.
ILANA
I got this. I knew Id be called in to
pinch, I work better as a back-up
bitch. Gimme high risk and low
expectations and I shine.
Jaime sees another PUNCH land.
JAIME
I dunno, Ilana. Is very strong man.

15.

ILANA
Three rounds, yo. I got this.
Another PUNCH.
JAIMI
Is big man.
ILANA
Big where it counts?
Jaime looks at Champs package. We see it.
JAIMI
Oh yes very big.
ILANA
Could I take him?
JAIMI
No, no. You will lose.
ILANA
Could I take his d?
Jaime again looks at Champs package.
JAIMI
Yes, for sure. Is very good.
BEEP BEEP
ILANA
Hey gotta another call, byeeee.
Ilana clicks over.
INTERCUT WITH
INT. VIDEO GAME ARCADE - DAY
LINCOLN, phone to ear, is playing a claw machine - trying to
win a plastic ballerina.
ILANA (CONTD)
Hey there, pal.
LINCOLN
Lana, just checking in, Im still
going to see you soon right?

16.

ILANA
Actually it looks like Im going to be
late to never. Something came up and I
need to bust on a fool.
LINCOLN
Dang. But Im going through a romantic
gesture as we speak.
He briefly snags the ballerina - it falls.
ILANA
Yeah?
LINCOLN
You know that George Harrison
video...I Got My Mind Set On You?
Not the second one with the singing
taxidermy animals, but the first one
with the kid trying to win a prize for
the lady?
ILANA
Go ahead.
LINCOLN
Do you know who George Harrison is?
ILANA
Sure. A Monkee or something.
Lincoln LAUGHS.
LINCOLN
Alright. Cant be mad at you. But what
are you up to anyhow to stand up a
fine upstanding gentleman such as
myself?
ILANA
I have to take Abbis place in a
boxing match and last three rounds
with the champ to get five hundo.
LINCOLN
Well. I have to formally register my
distaste in that idea. Not just as the
man who likes to kiss your face, but
also as the man who gives you free
dental work.

17.

ILANA
Thanks Lincoln, I knew youd
understand. Hey, I gotta run. I
havent said anything to Abbi for a
minute.
She CLICKS off the phone. Lincoln frowns.
Lincoln succeeds with the claw machine, drops the ballerina
down the shoot. He smiles.
END INTERCUT
ABBI
Thanks for having my back.
ILANA
No doubt.
ABBI
Ill be right there ringside. Adrian
to your Rocky.
ILANA
How long is three rounds?
ABBI
Hardly anything, probably like twenty
minutes tops.
ILANA
Oh. Easy.
INT. ABBIS BUILDING / HALL - DAY
Heading towards the door to Abbis apartment.
ABBI
We got a few hours and I got boxing on
me ole video game console- What the?!
Foamy bubbles can be seen seeping under the door.
INT. ABBIS APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Abbi and Ilana bust into the apartment. Foam fills the whole
place, rising at least five feet up.

18.

Abbi and Ilana move their way through a SPATTERING of DANCERS

and PARTIERS gyrating to CHEESY EDM MUSIC. BEVERS rejoices at
their appearance.
BEVERS
Abbi!
ABBI
What the hell is this, Bevers?!
BEVERS
Yknow how youre always on me to do
more chores?
(smirky pause)
Well. Took it upon me-self to do some
dishes. Turns out you cant put hand
dish soap in the dishwasher. But when
apples give you oranges...make
lemonade! So-Abbi AUGHs --Party goers WOOOO!
BEVERS (CONTD)
-- FOAM PARTY!!
Abbi hustles over towards the TV, digging into the foam. She
emerges with her XBOX - still plugged in.
BEVERS (CONTD)
My XBOX, is it water logged?!
ABBI
My XBOX better not be. I swear, if
this doesnt turn on...
Abbi tries to turn it on. It lights up with sparks like a
firework - she throws it and SQUEALS.
Ilana and Abbi are aghast.
BEVERS
You should have left it in a bucket of
rice first.
ABBI
Sorry Ilana. Looks like you wont be
getting much practice.

19.

ILANA
I think I can get a practice stroke
in.
Ilana halls back and SOCKS Bevers right in the grill.
INT. CONEY ISLAND ARCADE - DAY
Ilana stares down the arcades HAGGARD CASHIER (55). Haggard
Cashier stares back then hands Ilana two rolls of quarters.
Abbi and Ilana share a look.
Ilana makes a fist, closing her hands around the quarters.
Abbi slips two large winter mittens over Ilanas hands. These
serve as her boxing gloves.
MOMENTS LATER
Ilana is at a boxing video game complete with punching bag socking it like crazy.
ABBI
Yeah!

INT. BOXING ARENA -

NIGHT

Its on. Lights flash, a small smattering of PEOPLE are in

the stands. Ilana in one corner and in the other - Rusty.
They glare at each other from their corners.
Abbi stands ringside, opposite side of the ropes, a towel
around her neck.
ILANA
I am so gonna knock this chump out.
ABBI
I cant believe the valet guy is the
champ.
ILANA
Hey. A working man such as himself can
have dreams beyond his station.

20.

ABBI
But can you hit him and his pretty
face?
ILANA
Girl, what I really liked was his buns
and Im bout to lay him down right on
dat fine ass.
Across the ring, Rusty shakes his head and throws a gesture
to say - What the hell are you doing?
IN THE CROWD
Lincoln, stares - nonchalant as ever.
LINCOLN
Ilana!
Ilana looks straight ahead - mugging her opponent.
LINCOLN (CONTD)
Ilana!
Ilana doesnt care. Still in a stare off.
LINCOLN (CONTD)
Ilana!
She breaks down and turns in Lincolns direction.
ILANA
What, dude?!
LINCOLN
(yelling)
Although Im fundamentally in
opposition to your decision to enter
this foolhardy contest I am committed
to supporting you.
Heart warmed, Ilana cracks a smile. Lincoln gives her a
thumbs up. She steels and turns towards her opponent. The REF
(75), a sweet old man in a cute tiny bow-tie strides to
center ring. He seems a little lost and world weary.
REF
(into mic)
Hi everybody. Quiet please.
(MORE)

21.
REF (CONT'D)
We have a boxing match, YAY!
(indicating Ilana)
In this corner we have Ilana! She
looks like a sweet young girl. She
looks like a hundred pounds Ill bet.
(muttering to himself)
I cant believe we can do this
actually, she didnt even sign any
papers or nothin.

The crowd CHEERS, Ilana does a bounce and strut, waving

about.
REF (CONTD)
(indicating to valet)
And in this corner, we have the
defending champ! Two hundred pounds of
muscle and hate, its Rockin Rusty!
Ill tell ya folks Ive seen this guy
knock a few headlights out.
Ilana and Rusty move into the center ring.
ON TO RINGSIDE with TWO AGED BROADCASTERS.
BROADCASTER 1
In all my years of radio boxing
teleplay Ive never seen anything like
this.
BROADCASTER 2
Thats right Joe and our commentary
hasnt even been broadcast over the
airwaves since 1972.
IN THE RING
Ilana and Rusty face off.
RUSTY
Look lady, you shouldnt be this hard
up for a date.
ILANA
Ew. Dont flatter yourself cause Ill
be flattening you when I throw you
down on the mat and f**k the s**t out
of you.

22.

RUSTY
Thats just what I mean. Youve
crossed a lot of my social boundaries.
The ref separates them.
REF
When you hear the bell come out
swingin. Last three rounds and win
five hundred clams. Thems the rules.
RUSTY
I dont wanna hit her, she freaks me
out. Call this off.
REF
Just knock her out.
(sotto to champ)
These days a fella doesnt get too
many chances to hit a lady. Savor the
moment.
A SEXY WOMAN in bikini struts through the ring showing the
card ROUND ONE.
ILANA
You dont have to peacock, girl. Not
for these PATRIARCHAL LOSERS.
Ilana dances up and down, and blows a kiss to Sexy Woman.
REF
Okay. Fight already.
DING DING DING
Rusty approaches Ilana with fists up.
RUSTY
I will hit you once. Just fall.
As he approaches Ilana... she flips backwards.
Rusty pivots to her next location.
Ilana begins to do somersaults and other moves- flying around
the ring.
Rusty looks to REF confused.

23.

RUSTY (CONTD)
(to Ref)
You gonna do something?
REF
Dont look at me. If you cant hit her
face just hit her cootchie or
something.
ILANA
Free capoeira lessons in the park on
Wednesday morning. You should try it
sometime.
Ilana continues - flipping around and sweeping the floor in
sequences of complex moves.
IN CROWD
LINCOLN
(Adrian)
Ilana!
RINGSIDE
BROADCASTER 1
Ive never seen anything like this.
BROADCASTER 2
Its capoeira. Free in the park on
Wednesdays jsut like she said.Wanna
check it out maybe this week?
DING DING DING
The round ends, the Ref steps in and separates the two
pushing them to their respective corners.
Abbi squirts water in Ilanas face. Ilana looks like she
enjoys it too much, closes her eyes and takes it with glee.
Rusty is frustrated. Ref steps up to Ilana.
RUSTY
Cmon, Ref!!

24.

REF
No more malarkey this round. Stay flat
footed. If you aint takin a punch I
spect to see you giving one.
Sexy Woman returns with a Round Two card. But now she is
conservatively dressed and winks at Ilana.
DING DING DING
The boxers approach each other.
RUSTY
Sorry. I gotta end this.
Rusty takes a swing. Ilana ducks and it WHIFFS.
ILANA
Oooh. Cmon champ. You aint so bad.
Rusty takes another swing. Ilana ducks again but this time
swiftly PUNCHES his package.
OOOF! Rusty retreats a few feet. He holds his stomach.
RUSTY
Sweet lord. That hurt my gut.
Ilana does a little dance.
On Abbi RINGSIDE
ABBI
(slo-mo)
YEAH!
Rusty regains himself. Stumbles toward Ilana and throws a
half hearted PUNCH in her face.
On Lincoln in CROWD.
LINCOLN
(slo-mo)
ILANA!
Ilana pops back instinctively. She quickly composes herself.

25.

ILANA
(impressed)
Well. Looks like your fist was just
formally introduced to my psycholevel threshold of pain tolerance.
Ilana quickly squats and again SOCKS Rusty in his junk.
Rusty spins around and doubles over. His ass to her face.
Without missing a beat Ilana begins in rapid succession to
punch his left and right butt cheeks.
ILANA (CONTD)
Twerk it like a champ.
RINGSIDE
BROADCASTER 1
This cant be regulation.
BROADCASTER 2
Never in my forty plus years of
largely uncompensated amateur
commentary have I seen so much below
the belt action.
IN THE RING
Rusty gets it together. Now he is angry. He begins wildly
swinging at Ilanas face. She deftly ducks and dodges.
SLO-MO - Rusty swings. Ilana ducks - punches his sack.
Rusty swings. Ilana ducks -

punches his sack.

Rusty covers his privates. Ilana PUNCHES him right in the

face.
ILANA
Oh. Im sowwy.
Ilana wraps her glove at the back of his head leans in and
kisses him right on the kisser.
As Rusty suffers Ilana does a victory lap around the ring,
pumping up the crowd that is now CHEERING.

26.

Rusty CURSES himself, wipes his lips and SPITS - hes really
getting pissed. He hollers across the ring
RUSTY
That actually hurt a lot!
From the corner Abbi pumps up her pal.
ABBI
Youre doin it! You got this! Youre
like a squirrel the way youre mobbin
on his acorns.
Ref intercedes and approaches Ilana. He protects his junk
with one hand.
REF
Please. What are you thinkin, lady.
You cant hit him in his penis.
ILANA
What?! But he hit me in the face!
REF
Exactly. Hit him in his face. Hey! Go
for the liver, too. Just not the
penis.
ILANA
Are you kidding me?!
REF
This is a classy game. Kids are
watching.
ABBI
She just needs to last three rounds,
buddy. No one told us the crotch was a
no fly zone.
ILANA
Yeah. Imma do what I gots ta do
REF.
If you want to try any more of these
shenanigans, Im calling the match and
you can forget about the money.
Ref glares at the two and backs off.

27.

REF
Back at it you two.
Rusty has regained himself, begins cautiously approaching
Ilana.
RUSTY
Youre dead meat.
Ilana shuffles to the center of the ring.
SLO-MO - Rustys face twisted into an evil glare.
INSERT QUICK FLASH
Ilana imagines Rusty from earlier that day - sweet, handsome.
ABBI
(slo-mo)
Kill him! Poke his eyes out.
LINCOLN
(slo-mo)
ILANA!
Ilana looks down at her mittened hands.
ILANA
(sotto)
What have I become?
She looks back up at Rusty as he approaches. A look of
determination overcomes Ilana, she stands up straight and
thrusts her arms to her side.
ILANA (CONTD)
Hit me.
Rusty SWINGS and connects with Ilanas face.
Ilana briefly turns her head but otherwise remains composed
and takes the punch.
ILANA (CONTD)
Do it. Is that all ya got?

28.

Rusty PUNCHES her again. Ilana again absorbs the punch

without much hesitation or reaction.
ILANA (CONTD)
Cmon, Champ. You aint so bad, you
aint so bad.
Rusty is psyched out. He sneers, winding back for a huge
punch.
RUSTY
Hit me back! Whatre you doing?!
He throws a punch but stops short of connecting with her
face. Ilana doesnt even budge.
ILANA
Thats right. Its okay. Hit me.
Rusty belts out a frustrated YARGH.
RINGSIDE
BROADCASTER 1
Ive never seen anything like this in
all my years.
Broadcaster 2 looks up from texting on his phone.
BROADCASTER 2
What? Sorry. I was distracted for a
second.
BROADCASTER 1
I was just saying Ive never seen
anything like this. The young lady,
well shes just been taking the
punches. Not even trying to fight
back.
BROADCASTER 2
Interesting. Like a cat toying with
her food.
FROM THE CORNER
ABBI
Ilana. What are you doing?!

29.

Ilana turns back to her friend.

ILANA
Look at what we almost became Abbi.
Were not the killers. I hear the
boots of imperialism on the march
towards a hegemonic New World Order
and I say NO. I will not hold arms
against my brothers and sisters.
Instead I will be the last gasp of
humanity, the voice that cries for
peace, dignity... PLUR muthafucka.
Abbi has a moment looking silently upon her proud friend.
ABBI
Or. Or you could just hit him back?
ILANA
Thats who we are. PLUR.
Ilana slowly turns back towards Rusty who is psyched up and
ready for a fight.
Ilana outstretches her arms - miming the appearance of Jesus
on the cross.
LINCOLN
(slo-mo)
ILANA!
SLO-MO - Rusty winds back and thrusts his fist towards
Ilanas face. Ilana closes her eyes - smiles.
His fist connects to her chin.
Ilana gracefully, with arms outstretched, falls back upon the
mat.
She lands. The crowd ERUPTS. Lights flash all around.
Ref gets down on the mat to count her out.
Rusty looks down upon his defeated opponent. His face becomes
struck with horror. He looks upon his gloves as if to say What have I done?

30.

IN CROWD
LINCOLN (CONTD)
(in phone)
Yeah. Clear my schedule tomorrow.
Thats right. Clear it all up. Looks
like I will have a lot of emergency
dental work to fit in.
IN THE RING
Ilana lays back Christlike upon the mat. The Ref stands above
her counting her out. Ilana opens her eyes and looks up
proudly. Sexy Woman walks up. Shes back in a bikini which
momentarily confuses Ilana.
SEXY WOMAN
Ive gone full circle- reclaiming my
sexuality. Im a strong woman whose
gone right over the top of male gaze.
Ilana nods approvingly at her.
The Ref holds up Rustys arm - hes still the champ. Rusty
won... but looks defeated.
EXT. OUTSIDE ARENA - NIGHT
As the crowd exits, Abbi and Ilana shuffle out. Ilana has a
black eye and a bit of swelling but her face is in pretty
good shape, considering.
ABBI
You could have had the guy. I mean he
was half-heartedely hitting you and
you have like that unexpected, psycho
strength.
ILANA
The fact that we could both recognize
how brave I am, to hold back and not
stoop to his level. I am so proud of
us.
Lincoln converges with them.
LINCOLN
Yo.

31.

ILANA
Hey.
LINCOLN
Good fight.
ILANA
Yeah?
LINCOLN
No. You were terrible.
Lincoln takes out a small flashlight and looks in Ilanas
mouth.
ILANA
Wait. Hold up.
Ilana fishes around in her mouth and pulls out a crown.
ILANA (CONTD)
Yup. I could tell that was loose.
LINCOLN
Ilana. I just put that crown in your
mouth about a month ago.
ILANA
Sorry. I live hard, put a lot of
mileage on these chompers.
LINCOLN
But. But that was my crowning
achievement.
The three pals stroll away.
ILANA
I can tell youve used that joke
before.
LINCOLN
Yeah. Its pretty standard dentist
patter.
ILANA
Dont recycle jokes with me.

32.

EXT. CAR LOT

- NIGHT

Ilana and Abbi approach the Buick Riviera and arrive at

opposite ends of the two front doors. They lock eyes as if to
steel themselves.
ILANA
Well, pal.
ABBI
Yup yup.
ILANA
The day of reckoning.
ABBI
This could be - this could be
curtains.
ILANA
Those who dare.
ABBI
Whose who dare.
The pals strain to fist bump over the roof of the car. They
open their respective doors and enter.
INT. BUICK RIVIERA - CONTINUOUS
Abbi and Ilana settle into the front seats of the car and
shut the doors. They put an arm over the seat and look into
the back.
There is Irma, laying like Dracula across the back seat. Her
eyes open and watching them.
IRMA HAMBY
Hown ya be raised where ye dont even
knock?
ILANA
Sorry, Irma.
ABBI
My bad.
IRMA HAMBY
Whatn is it? Cant ye see Im
sleepin?

33.

ABBI
Its the money. The dinero. The bread
and the cheese...We dont have it.
ILANA
So the tire iron. We just wanted to
mention that I already took a lot of
hits today - like a lot. So, as per
our discussion, we were thinking
Abbi...
Ilana looks doe-eyed at Abbi as she trails off. Abbi is
surprised but then offers...
ABBI
(sheepishly)
I can take the hits. I can take all of
the hits.
Irma PSHAWS with a wave of her hand.
IRMA HAMBY
How coulda yew possibly think of me?
Tall talk be in the strongest axe I
carry, girls. No, though I have
suffered many a blow through this
world...I just never could blow back.
Abbi and Ilana share a poignant look.
ABBI
Well get you a new headlight, Irma.
Just give us a few days.
IRMA HAMBY
Oh. That bitty detail.
Irma sits up and pulls a bucket from the floor up to her
side.
Out of the bucket she produces the headlight.
IRMA HAMBY (CONTD)
The beamer is fine. Set it in a bucket
of rice I did.
With that the headlight LIGHTS UP - illuminates in her hands.
Yes this is completely impossibile.

34.

Abbi and Ilana look to each other amazed.

ABBI
Thats...amazing.
IRMA HAMBY
And ta think this isnt even me car.
BLACKOUT.