To Good People Everywhere

Who Care, Connect, and Work Each Day

For a Better Tomorrow.

Contents
Introduction
Suggestions on How to Use This Book
Chapter 1
The Basic Click
Chapter 2
ClickabilityWhat Is It and Who Has It?
Chapter 3
A Short Course on Listening
Chapter 4
Click in Style
Chapter 5
Motivation to Click
Chapter 6
What My Cowbell Says About Me: Identifying Values to Click

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Chapter 7
Clicking Electronically
Chapter 8
Troubleshooting
Chapter 9
The Click Zone
Chapter 10
Emotional Click Signals
Chapter 11
Make Your Point
Chapter 12
Stumbling Blocks
Chapter 13
Group Click
Chapter 14
Why We Click
Acknowledgments
About the Author

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Praise for How to Click with People

Also by Dr. Rick Kirschner
Copyright

Introduction
Some people, you just click with. The Connection is quick and easy. They get
you, you get them. Communication flows. You could tell them anything, and
theyd know just what you mean. You feel seen, heard, and understood. You
feel accepted and appreciated for who you really are. And all because youve
clicked.
Click. Its that state of mind, that sense of being where everything falls
into place. When you click, you gain a new perspective through the worldview of another person. You work better with others and get better results.
You develop stronger partnerships and teams. You have a higher quality exchange of ideas and information, resolve interpersonal problems, and play a
bigger part in what goes on around you. Best of all, you build real relationships, the kind that last a lifetime.
Chances are you think of click as an instantaneous thing. It either happens or it doesnt. People either get you or they dont. There are a handful of
people in this world you click withand then theres everybody else. Whether you love them or hate them, youre just not ever going to really be in that
groove.
Youre wrong.
You can learn to click. You can make click happen. Click is a skill like riding a bike or fixing a car, and as a skill, it can be learned.
Ive been teaching persuasion, conflict resolution, and relationship skills
for close to three decades, and this work has taken me all over the world.
Ive helped people learn to deal with difficult behavior in coworkers, bosses,
and even relatives by teaching them to sort out their own sense of purpose
and make fundamental changes in their habits. My clients want to make a
meaningful difference in their lives, and Ive helped them to find the motivation and approach to accomplish just that. And all of this work is based on
the idea that if people are going to get along with each other and get things
done together, they first have to click.
Most of what you need to know about success in life is personal in
nature. Ive learned, through my own experience and that of the people Ive
worked with, that all of us need one another to have fulfilling work,

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successful careers, and meaningful lives. Regardless of your cultural background, your age group, or your social status, your need to get along with
people is fundamental to your happiness and success. No matter how much
technical skill you have in your particular field of expertise, no matter how
smart you are, how capable or gifted, if you dont know how to get along
with people, youre not going to be successful.

Your skill with other people is key to your success.

Whether the times are great, or the economy is in the tank, the people
who do the best, who prosper and advance, are those who know how to connect with other people in a meaningful way. In other words, those who know
how to click.
Thats where this book comes in. This book will teach you how to click, to
build connections quickly, and then develop them as deeply as you desire.
Its just a matter of knowing what to do, why to do it, and how to do it.
In the first half of this book, you will learn how to get people to get you,
and how to get them too. Chapter 1 introduces the basic click you can make
with anyone at any time. Chapter 2 looks at what makes a person
clickablewhat makes it easy to click with someoneand how to develop
that in yourself. Chapter 3 explores the role of listening in drawing people to
you.
The next three chapters are about three major clickable areas (communication style, motivation, and values) that allow for deeper and closer connections between people.
The following two chapters provide solutions to common trouble spots in
clicking: not meeting face-to-face and interacting with difficult people.
Chapter 7 discusses how to click effectively via phones, e-mail, and social
networking, and Chapter 8 demonstrates how to click with even pushy, critical, negative, unreliable, or sarcastic people.
The second half of the book explores how to get people to get your ideas.
Chapter 9 covers the click zoneand how (and why) to get into it any time
you want to get others onboard with an idea or task. Chapters 10 and 11

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show how to present ideas so they appeal to both the head and the heart,
and connect with the way people think and feel.
Chapter 12 reveals all the most common stumbling blocks that prevent
ideas from clickingand how to avoid or recover from them. Chapter 13
looks at clicking with groups of people, and creating click within groups.
And the final chapter puts all the pieces together to examine Why We
Click.

Suggestions on
How to Use This Book
Read It Through
Read the book once, beginning to end. Be open to the ideas and imagine the
possibilities. Consider taking a second pass through the book revisiting the
material most applicable to you. If any of the ideas seem familiar, but youre
not yet acting on what you know, let each lesson remind you to do in the real
world what youve only imagined in the past.

Try It Out
Apply every lesson that interests you to at least one person, at least two
times. The more you test an idea, the more you understand how it works
and how to work with it.

Use It as a Reference
Once you know where everything is in the book, you can find the ideas that
you need when you need them, and use them to connect with people in almost any situation. Youll find additional help along the way about where
and when a particular lesson would be most valuable to you.

Partner Up
Find someone you already click with and bring him along with you. Read together. Listen together. Talk together. Click together. Working with a reliable partner in the process of learning will always work better than working
alone.

Keep Going
Click into the online opportunities at TheArtofChange.com/Click. And follow my blog at www.theartofchange.com. These materials can be an ongoing
resource for you as you continue to click with the people around you.

Chapter 1
The Basic Click
The Power of Resonance
Clicking happens in many ways but at its most basic level, its all about tapping into the profound power of resonance.
Resonance occurs when vibrating objects respond to other vibrations or
frequencies that approximate their natural rate. Resonance makes many
things possible: music, radio, TVand the click.
Weve all experienced the power of resonance. When we dance, we can
feel a connection to our partnera sort of synchronicity. When we sing together in harmony, our voices resonate in the same frequency. The effect
can touch us, move us, make us well up with tears, or move us to the beat.
When we are so in sync that we can practically complete each others sentences, weve tapped into the power of resonance. And when weve tapped
into the power of resonance, weve clicked.

Patterns of Similarity
When meeting someone for the first time, we all make a basic decision, and
make it rather quickly: Is this person similar to me, or not? Without some
pattern of similarity to hold us together, theres no resonancethat means
no trust, no cooperation, no benefit of the doubtand no click. The more essential the pattern, the deeper the click with a person who shares that
pattern.
The most obvious patterns of similarity are in the foundational stuff of
life, like our needs, motivations, and values. People form organizations
around their shared values and work with great diligence to effect the world
based on those values.

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If my values are similar to yours, you and I detect that

pattern of resonance and begin to share an orbit.

We click when we have a shared culture or tradition. If you and I come

from a similar background, which can be heard in the resonance of our accents and colloquialisms, we detect the pattern and our sense of connection
grows. People who have served in the military, or done some other form of
national service, immediately resonate with others who reveal the same experience in their past. People who have gone through tragedy and triumph
together find resonance in the memories of it. They form a bond that those
who were not there never quite understand.
We are drawn to the similar because it is familiar and we are comfortable
with it.

Blending
This resonance of similar patterns happens naturally when we are already
on common ground with someonewith people we care deeply about, or are
really interested in, or share significant background or experiences with. But
creating it is a skill anyone can acquire. Rather than common ground creating the resonance, consciously invoking the patterns of similarity and resonance can create the common ground. Creating those patterns of similarity is
called blending, and it is one of the most basic ways to create click.
Blending is all about reducing the differences between yourself and
someone else to create a resonant pattern of similarity. This doesnt mean
you have to become the same, or pretend to be the same, to create click. But
you want to shine the brightest light on the commonalities. Highlighted
against a backdrop of similarity, differences become points of interest rather
than conflict.
Blending can occur in a lot of different forms, including verbal and nonverbal patterns, communication style, motivation, and values, as explored
later in this chapter.

Blending happens when you notice whats going on

and signal a corresponding pattern of similarity.

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Click Through Blending

The good news is that you already know how to blend. You do it all the time
with the people you resonate with naturally. Now its time to start observing
yourself and others, and using this innate behavioral ability intentionally.
You can call on this skill whenever you need or want to create a basic click.
All you have to do is pay attention to what people reveal about themselves
and align yourself with them. Notice their behavior, their words, their actions, and their stories. If, for example, the other person speaks rapidly,
then you speak rapidly. If he gestures a lot, you gesture a lot. If she tends
not to look at anyone straight on, you avoid direct or prolonged eye contact
too. Blending happens when you notice whats going on and signal a corresponding pattern of similarity.
Remember, youre not trying to copy the other person, as that would
quickly become quite boring, and, frankly, unsettling. But you do want to
complement and resonate with the person youre with. You cant initiate
blendingyou can only blend in response to what someone else says or
does.

Nonverbal Blending
Many of the most important ways to blend are nonverbal. Thats because
many of the most important things we communicate are nonverbal. A lot of
how we make sense of what other people say is not about what they actually
say, but rather how the person looks when delivering the message. In other
words, its not what you say, its how you say it.
Years ago, I stopped for coffee at a convenience store. The clerk behind
the counter was unfriendly and, despite the scowl on his face, I smiled at
him. He looked away. When I asked him where the coffee was, he simply
pointed to a corner and barked, Over there!
I found the coffee, but there wasnt any creamer in sightonly that
powdered kind that came in the packets.
I really dislike nondairy creamer. How about you? I asked him, hoping
to gain some agreement.
I like it just fine, he said with a snarl.

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I asked the clerk for something else, but he was, and this is stating it
mildly, unhelpful. Do you have any milk, cream, or half-and-half? You
know, something from a cow? I inquired playfully.
His response was an aggressive, No.
Stubborn by nature, I kept pushing. In the corner there was a bin of ice
cream, so I asked, May I have a spoonful of ice cream in my coffee? Might
help take the edge off.
He said, No, and I did not doubt him.
It wasnt until I saw his eyes roll that I realized my body language was
saying it all wrong. He wasnt holding coffee or anything else in his hand. He
wasnt smiling. He wasnt being playful. And though my intentions were
good, I realized that my behavior gave him the impression that I neither
liked nor cared about him; as far as he was concerned, I was nothing like
him.
So I set down my coffee and matched his posture. I folded my arms
across my chest, lowered my head, and I asked him point blank, Is this
something I did, or are you just having a rough day?
And just like that, he began telling me what was on his mind.
The night shift left me such a mess! I was cleaning the store for hours
this morning; my back is killing me. He paused, relaxed his posture a bit,
and finally asked me, What flavor? Click!
Blending signals to another person that you are on her side, with her instead
of against her, that you are like her in some obvious or subtle way. Whats
more, blending increases the likelihood of cooperation while reducing the
chance for conflict.
Body Language
Physical blending increases the likelihood of cooperation. By matching your
posture to another persons, you jump-start the pattern of resonance. If hes
standing and youre sitting, stand up to talk with him. If shes sitting and
youre standing, pull up a chair. If hes tapping his pen, you can tap your toe.
Youll be complementing not just his body language, but his energy and
comfort level as well.
Personal Space

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Most people like to be surrounded by a two- to three-foot bubble, but some

people take up a lot of space, and others only a little. When approaching
someone, see how much personal space she tends to surround herself with.
If someone moves into your personal space, thats a clue his zone is on the
small side. If she pulls back, you know she prefers more space. Be observant
and keep your distance, and shell be comfortable enough to click.

Over the years, Allan had proven himself to be one of the more successful branch managers in his company. Whether it was calming
Cheryl down after a frustrating meeting with the investors or encouraging Joseph to take on a difficult marketing call because he knew he
could stand up to the challenge, Allan understood his employees and
how to foster their success. And those employees, in turn, trusted Allan to always have their back.
Sean was one of Allans most promising salespeople, despite his
young age. Within months on the job, hed claimed his spot as one of
the companys top performers but when he suffered his first setbacklosing out on a potentially lucrative prospecthe was utterly
beside himself. All the time and energy Sean had put into developing
the prospect had come to naught, and he could do nothing but pace
around his office, shaking his head and tugging at his hair.
Allan spotted this unusual behavior on his way to the break room
and began to pace along with Sean. Where at first there had been
only one person wearing down the carpet, there were now two.
Neither Allan nor Sean said a word, but they both wore inquisitive,
baffled expressions. Sean was not alone in his worry.
After a minute, Sean paused and looked at Allan. With desperation
in his voice, he cried, I dont know what went wrong!
Allan nodded his head. Yeah, I get that. Its a tough loss, Sean, but
you know what? Well figure it out. Maybe even find an advantage in
it.
That was all he said. Sean instantly straightened and smoothed
down his hair, as if taking on the confidence of his manager. The conversation that followed was insightful, and with Allan supporting
him, Sean was able to work toward solving the problem.

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Verbal Blending
Much important information is, of course, communicated verbally, so this is
another opportunity for blending. Its not just the words used, however, but
also the way they sound:
Tempo and Volume
Have you ever had somebody shout at you from three inches away or tried
to decipher the words of someone who is mumbling? Its frustrating, to say
the least. Just as complementing body language is important in sending the
right signals, matching the speed and volume at which someone is speaking
is imperative in reaching that click. The mumbler doesnt know how hard it
is for you to hear him, but if you speak to him in a similar manner, hell find
it difficult to understand you. Chances are, hell ask you to speak up. All
thats left is to say, I know! I cant hear you in here either! You both may
have to laugh off the situation, but youll be able to hear one another from
then on.
Time and Space
Consider how people reference time when they talk. Regardless of when an
event actually takes place, some prefer to speak in the past tense, some in
the future tense, and some in the here and now.
Consider the following.
At lunch one day, Carlo shared a story about the evening when his partner, Sharon, first met her future employer. When explaining the details, he
might have referred to the event in the past tense, saying, Sharon actually
met him at McSorleys after the NCAA tournament. If you were listening,
you could have replied with a similar verb tense by asking, Who did she
meet, again? Likewise, if Carlo were fond of telling stories in the present
tense he would have commented in the following manner: Sharon is at
McSorleys watching the NCAA tournament game when she meets him.
You could have replied in the present, even though the event was in the
past. Who is she meeting? Its a subtle way to blend, but its powerful.

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Her: I was worried you would miss the meeting.

You: I know you were.
Her: But I am so looking forward to it.
You: So am I.
Her: Now that were here, what will we do first?
You: Lets start with whatever you will enjoy most.

Blending doesnt require much effort. Its simple, really, and a little goes
a long way. Whether its posture, gestures, tone, tense, or space, find
something, anything, that you can blend with, so you can create the patterns
of similarity all humans are wired to respond positively to. You can get in
sync with anyone that way, tapping the power of resonance, creating
clickand the connection, pleasure, and opportunities that go with
itwherever you go.

Chapter 2
Clickability
What Is It and Who Has It?
Be Clear About What You
Care About, and Why
People who live with passion find it easier to click with others. Knowing
what you really care about, and why, lets you tap into your passion. That internal fire energizes you. Its your energy that draws people to youits a
click magnet!
When you have the energy to act as if you are always in the right place at
the right time, no matter whos around or whats going on, youre showing
your clickability. When you have energy to spare, you dont just walk into a
room, you make an entrance. You look around, make eye contact, move just
a little quicker than everyone else. When you extend your hand, you reach
out with confidence and determination. Caringand knowing what you care
about and whygives you the energy to make connections.
Consider Darla. A part-time student and a full-time employee, she was
lucky to get five minutes to herself each day. The stress had been wearing on
her for a while, but eventually it began to catch up with her. Exhausted,
Darla dragged herself to work every day, often having mismatched her outfit
and forgetting to bring along lunch. When she had an opportunity to
present her ideas at work, she was too tired to act in her own interest. There
was always another pressing issuea term paper, the dry cleaning, her canarys veterinary bill. Her low energy became an excuse to shut down rather
than contribute.
One morning, Darla caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror on her way
to work. She was shocked for a moment, unable to recognize the person she
saw in the reflection. This wasnt like herbut what had led her down this
spiral? She asked herself a few basic questions: Why should I care about
me, even when others dont? Why should I care about the people I meet,

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even when they are difficult or annoying? Why should I care about how I respond to this days challenges and opportunities?
Darla knew she had cared at one pointbefore all the minutiae of life got
in the way. She used to be motivated to develop strategies and deal with all
kinds of behaviors. She loved working with people and seeing the positive
results of her hard work and efforts. Somewhere along the line, shed let
herself lose sight of what was importantbut that had to change. Instead of
waiting for her circumstances to change favorably, she would have to make
the choice to shape her own circumstances.
To boost her energy, Darla budgeted time for a little peace and quiet
every morning wherein she could plan her entire day, including the breaks
she would need to recharge her batteries.
The change was small, superficial at first. By simply putting an extra few
minutes into getting ready in the morning, she already felt more confident
about herself by the time she got to work each day. One small alteration
gave way to another and another.
Within a short amount of time, she had bounced back from her slump
and had more energy than ever before. She had the time to not only take
care of herself, but to reach out, help others, and build the relationships she
wanted to. Whenever she walked into a room from then on, everyone noticed. The people around her cant help but respond when she is around.
You dont have to be manic about connecting with others. If you can cultivate your appreciation for and curiosity about the differences between
people, you will find that your natural energy, your innate clickability,
grows.

Take Responsibility for the

Way You Relate to Others
For the sake of this chapter, Im going to use responsibility to refer to the
ability to respond adequately and wisely to a situation, rather than just reacting to it. Responding rather than reacting isnt nearly as difficult as you
may think. Simply notice what is happening, connect yourself to it instead of
fighting it or withdrawing from it, then find a way to learn from it, leverage
it, or leave it behind. When youre in charge of yourself, you know this is
your choice. You realize that your greatest leverage in life is your response to
what the moment brings.

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Your greatest leverage in life is your response to

what the moment brings.

The more of your past relationships you resolve, the less of them you
carry around. Cleaning up the past is a powerful key to better results with
people in the present. Taking charge of yourself takes you beyond reactions
to others, so that you can be responsive to them instead. Bear in mind that
responsibility isnt about blaming, its about choosing.
The person in charge of herself can associate tomorrows consequences
with todays choices and todays consequences with yesterdays choices.

For years, Denise had the luxury of working for a female-dominated

company, so when she found out her new boss was a man, she wasnt
happy about it. If there was one thing she couldnt stand, it was a man
in a position of authority. If it wasnt his misogynistic snarls or his
sexist predispositions, he would refuse to green-light her project and
he was always so full of himself. Sure enough, during their initial
meeting, Denise and Richard clashed.
Richard was very direct. Ive already outlined the plans for our
product launch, he said, providing a four-color packet for everyone
in the meeting.
Denise was irritated that, once again, a man had overshadowed
her opportunity to share ideas, and she wasted no time telling him so
before he even finished his presentation. Richard acknowledged her
input, but insisted on his plan. When he repeated his intentions, Denise lost her temper. Richard, in defending himself, did not react well.
Onlookers at the meeting would have agreed that this was a familiar pattern. After Richards presentation, one of Denises colleagues
came to her desk to ask her about what had happened. Richard was
new, and adjusting to his methods would be difficult, she reassured
Denise, but he was their superior and he had to be treated with some
level of respect. And besides, Denises colleague continued, this
isnt the first time its happened. What about the supervisor at your

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old job? Or Bob from accounting? And what about that time you
nearly gnawed off your marketing professors head?
Slowly, it began to occur to Denise what was going on. She didnt
appreciate men telling her what to do. And her friend was rightshe
was being extremely unprofessional with Richard.
Denise chose to learn from her past mistakes and do the hard
work within herself she needed to do to move beyond her issues.
She learned to introduce her own ideas or problems by asking for
help, insight, or opinion, rather than simply demanding action (and
getting angry when she didnt get it). Instead of reacting to her emotions, she learned to take charge of them. She started to respond to
behavior, even less-than-desirable behavior, by Richard or another
authority figure, in a connected way, using listening and blending
skills.
As it turned out, Richards original plan worked out okay. At the
next launch meeting, Denise used her new strategy to suggest some
ideas, which Richard was now able to hearand accept. And Denise
could finally hear his suggestions on how the whole team needed to
improve, without polarizing his comments or taking affront. Now she
treats Richard with respectand gets respect in return.

It takes a real commitment to work through whatever baggage youre

carrying through life, but when you are ready to put it down youll appreciate right away how much lighter youll feel.
To increase your sense of ownership over the moments in your life, start
by committing to learn from every experience, and prepare yourself before
each new one. After an unsatisfying encounter, revisit what happened and
figure out what might have worked better for you. If you cant think of anything, find a role model or a friend who knows better than you what to do,
and mentally relive the encounter in a new way. And before dealing with
anyone or starting a conversation, ask yourself what you want to have happen by the end. You will develop your ability to respond to what the moment
brings.

Treat Each Person Equally

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Having clickability means treating everyone equallythe way you want to

be treated.
We all have needs and wants. No matter how good (or bad) we are at
something, there is always someone better (or worse) at it. Weve all fallen
short, but our failures and disappointments dont make us less thanthey
help us become who we are.
When you are fair-minded and evenhanded, you recognize that everyone
is doing the best they know how. You may not have all the answers, but you
can safely assume that no one else has all the answers either. Even the
simple questions may prove worth your time and consideration.
Ive known, interviewed, and worked closely with plenty of successful
people. Ive met CEOs and presidents, royalty and prodigies. The more successful people are, the less likely they are to show off, put on airs, or drop
names. They dont waste time trying to impress. They know there is more to
gain in life through connection and positive relationship. The same goes for
successful mailroom employees, students, and mid-level managers. Life
isnt fair, but people almost always prefer fairness from other people. And
remember: All business is people business.

Be Attentive
When it comes to making people feel special, its the little things that count
the most. Starting with something as simple as a name. Names matter. They
are handles for identity, for who we are, and how we want to be addressed.
You may have met people in your life who took liberties with your name,
who assigned you a nickname that didnt fit or that you didnt care for at all,
and you didnt like it, did you? Most people dont tell you when theyre unhappy with the name you call them, but they are likely to hold it against you.
There goes that click.
Notice how people introduce themselves, and let that be your guide in
addressing them, at least initially. If you want to switch from a formal name
to a more informal one, ask permission. So if youre talking with someone
who was introduced to you as Dr. Sam Smart, you can ask, Dr. Smart, may
I call you Sam? Odds are, in that moment, you will get a satisfying click.
Once youve found a way in, keep the conversation going. So many believe that small talk is cheap, but Ive found it can make a big impression.
People love to talk about themselves. Being attentive to people means trying
to engage people by encouraging them to talk about themselves. Those who

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dont will try to turn the conversation back to you. In that case, use what you
say to bring up material to ask them about. Ive been to Bali, Hong Kong,
and Singapore. What about you? Have you ever traveled to Asia?
The most intimidating aspect of small talk is knowing what, exactly, to
talk about. Just remember these four topics, and youll be fine: Work. Family. Hobbies. Culture.
Most small talk between strangers begins with work because most
people have plenty to say about what they do in life. They either love it and
want to talk about it, or hate it and need to blow off some steam. Either way,
someone will have an opinion, and once they feel they can trust you, theyll
be more likely to open up.
Family is a more personal topic. Conversations about family with people
you dont know have to be casual because family can be a touchy subject
with some. Try asking to see photographs or listen for a mention of a spouse
or other family member, and use that as a way to get further into conversation. Be attentive and interested in whatever they say about family.
Hobbies are what people do in their spare time. Getting people talking
about hobbies can be a lot of fun and a great way to connect with someone.
You can learn a lot about someones strengths just by knowing what it is
they like to do. When you get people talking about things they love doing for
their own sake, you empower them, which makes for a strong start in building a click.
Culture is a huge opportunity for conversation. Almost everyone reads
books, sees movies, watches celebrities, follows a team, and/or has opinions
about what goes on in society at large. When you ask people for their opinions on cultural touchstones (the death of a movie star, the latest novel recommended by Oprah, or the latest sporting championshipor scandal),
dont be surprised if the floodgates of connection open and a torrent of opinion comes your way.
All you need to start conversations with strangers are a few open-ended
questions After a friendly greeting, use conversation-sparking questions
such as:
Family:
Where are you from originally?
Are you married?
Do you have any kids?

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Work:
So, what do you do?
How long have you been doing it?
What do you like about that?
What have you learned from doing it?
What would you change if you could?
Hobbies:
What do you do in your spare time?
What do you like most about it?
Culture:
What do you think about (this movie or that book or the local sports
team)?
Do you know of any good restaurants around here?
You can also try questions about life in general. These kinds of questions
are real icebreakers. Ive been to parties where the hosts encouraged everyone to talk to someone they didnt know and find out something unique or
special about her. Try asking questions like: If you could go anywhere or do
anything, where would you go and what would you do? Whats the most
interesting thing youve ever done? and Who was the most interesting person you ever met? Before long, everyone will be talking to everyone, and
real clicking will happen instead of people staying isolated in their cliques.
Everyone has a story to tell. When you get people talking about themselves and their unique experiences, they experience being special around
you. Ive heard plenty of stories about people who met total strangers, had a
brief conversation, and those strangers became important allies, significant
connections, and dearest friends.
Try this. When youre sitting next to someone on a plane or a bus or in a
restaurant, turn to her, ask permissionMay I ask you something?and
then ask a few open-ended questions with the potential to reveal something
unique about the person.
Maybe shell shrug you off. But maybe shell take the bait and tell you
something that is unique, special, and even unexpected. And just maybe you
will walk away with a great story to tell. And maybe she will too . . . about a
total stranger who asked them the most interesting questions.

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And if its you who winds up with an inquisitive seatmate on an airplane,

and you dont want to click, give him a reason, any reason, and ask for his
understanding. All you have to say is, Sorry, I just want to be quiet for a
while. I have a lot on my mind. I hope youll understand. Then, even
though youre not talking with the person, your considerate response to his
attempt to start a conversation is likely to get you a positive silence instead
of a hostile neighbor. If you change your mind later in the flight, hell still be
receptive, too.
Third Times the Charm. People only need two or three examples of you
showing an interest in something special to them to decide that you are
someone special.
Asking a question to learn more about something a person has said is an
easy way to indicate interest. Signaling agreement with something hes said
by nodding your head indicates interest. Simply acknowledging that
something shes said to you is important to her is a signal of interest. And
each time you engage with someone as if he is interesting, youre building
his generalization about you. Once your attentiveness puts that generalization in his mind, hell look for evidence to prove it to himself. And it just
takes two or three occasions. Click.

How to Convey Personal Warmth

People who know how to connect with others tend to be warmer rather than
colder. You cant go wrong being just a little warmer than the people around
you ( just dont be too intense). If youre not warm enough, youre likely to
strike people as remote, standoffish, even arrogant. If youre interacting
with a cooler person, your personal warmth is still essential to making a
connection, dialed down a bit to keep him comfortable.
There are several ways to convey warmth. Consider how you:
Move. Warmth comes across when your body seems undefended. Maintain a relaxed and open posture, whether you are in a casual setting or a
formal one. Face people, but not straight on (at first)turn toward them at a
slight angle. Once theyve had a chance to get comfortable with you, move so
you interact completely face-to-face.
Welcome people into your personal space. You should invite people into
your space rather than invade theirs. When entering a room, survey it before entering. When your eyes land on someone, let your attention linger
long enough to let individuals actually notice you noticing them, then

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smileand give them a chance to respond in kind. A small smile with a

stranger creates warmth, whereas an overpowering smile can intimidate
those who feel distant already.
Position yourself. When someone starts to talk with you, take note of
how much space she takes up, and respond accordingly. Be aware of her
personal space, and move just to the edge of it, but never beyond. When you
talk to someone, get closebut not too close. Close enough that if he talks
quietly you can hear itbut if he talks loudly it doesnt overwhelm you.
Look at people. No matter how near or far you are, let people see warmth
in your eyes. Focus on the person you are interacting withyour gaze
should not be scouting around as if for a better opportunity. This doesnt necessarily mean to look her directly in the eyeto some people that can be intimidating. As is often the case, take your cue from the other personif her
eyes are slightly averted, you do the same. If shes gazing steadily at you, you
do the same.
Speak. Let people hear the warmth in your voice. Use a friendly and
helpful tone in what you say. The best way to sound helpful is to intend to be
helpful. The best way to convey warmth with your voice is to relax when you
speak. A warm voice is full instead of thin, and is easy on the ears because it
sounds relaxed. Let your shoulders hang easily, instead of throwing them
back to hold your chest out. This will send the message that you are interested in the person you are talking with, and interested in what she is saying. The way you talk (not just what you say) should indicate that, whatever
your subject, it is something worth hearing, knowing, and understanding.
Attend to people. Hold the other person at the center of your attention.
With some people, that means looking into their eyes when they look at you,
or for people who dont make eye contact, placing the sound of them in the
center of what you hear. Turn your body to face them. Nod your head and
make sounds of approval when they talk, so they can see and hear that you
are paying attention closely. Any person you talk with should feel like they
are the only person in your world in that moment. Many politicians, including Bill Clinton and Barack Obama, are famously good at making a person
feel he or she is the most important person in the roomeven amid swarming crowds.

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When I was a kid growing up in Cincinnati, there was a popular TV

show called The Uncle Al Show. The host, Al Lewis, played Uncle Al,
and his wife, Wanda, played Captain Windy. One of the two sponsors
for his show was a company called Stegners. Uncle Al would talk
about Stegners chile con carne and, even though I had no idea what
chile con carne was, my mouth would start watering. Just the way he
said the words let me know this was definitely something I wanted.
He wrapped his mouth around the words, he sounded hungry for
whatever this product was, and that made it sound delicious. It was
like he heated the words in his mouth before letting them out into the
world. Warm words are powerful. They draw attention and create excitement. They make you hungry for more.

Some people are born with clickability. But if you happen to be one of the
many who wasnt, you can develop as much of it in yourself as you desire. To
increase your clickability, you need to know what you care about (and why);
take responsibility for your relationships; treat each person as your equal;
be attentive and interested in other peoples lives; and convey personal
warmth.
Then watch your network grow.

Chapter 3
A Short Course on Listening
There are three things you can know about people before they ever say a
word:
1. They love to hear themselves talk.
2. They want to be heard and understood.
3. They are drawn to people who listen to them.
When you listen to people talk, you give them the chance to do
something they love. When you help people feel heard and understood, they
appreciate you for hearing them out. And when you listen well to what others say, they want to be around you. In this way, your influence in their lives
will increase.
Now, you may think youre a good listener and perhaps you are. But do
you know how to listen for that click?
Listening for the click isnt just listening; its really hearing what people
have to say and listening actively for whats really important. The key is to
draw people out, to let them know that you are engaged, and that you really
want to understand them.

Listen before you talk.

Before you can know what to talk about with someone, you have to listen
to him.

Connected Listening

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Listening is important in all businessmine is no exception. I try always to

keep that in mind, as I did when I received the call from Stan, who was considering hiring me as a business coach. He wanted to hear what I had to say
about my services, how I would work with him, and what he could expect.
I dont even know what to ask about coaching, he admitted. Maybe
you could help me to see what it is you do?
What he was really asking was whether we would click.
Now, I like talking about myself and my business at least as much as the
next person, but instead of talking, what I actually did was listen. Sure, I
opened my mouth to let out a few short questions about where he was in his
career and relationships, what he hoped to accomplish in his work and in
his life, and what he thought about coachingand yes, I grunted a lot of uhhuhs and I sees and mm-hmmsbut mostly I used my ears and let him do
the talking. I learned about the rapid growth of his company and the plateau
it had hit. I heard about his new baby and how cute she was. I noted how he
described the way he managed his few employees, and listened as he described his role in the company.
In the end, I spoke about myself for only a minute or two. I really didnt
have to say much before Stan asked to schedule his first session. By listening
rather than talking, and asking the right questions, I got to know Stan well
enough that it was easy to click.

Look Like You Understand

Sound Like You Understand
Have you ever tried to tell someone something and she looked or sounded
confused while you talked, or began shaking her head in disagreement?
Chances are you were so busy trying to figure out what she disagreed with,
you were unable to complete your thought. To clickto engage through
listeningyour behavior has to draw people out. What you want is for them
to get past the superficial thoughts and really get down to the heart of the
matter.
When speaking with someone, look like you understand, even when you
dont. Nod your head when people talk to you as if what they say makes
complete sense, even though it may not. Sound like you understand. Utter
affirming phrases every once in a while, like yes, mhmm, I see, oh, uh-huh,

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or just grunt affirmatively, as if you know just what they mean. Even if you
dont.
Now, you may be worried that youll mislead the speaker or that youll
have to proceed as if you understand something you dont. Nothing could be
further from the truth. Youve merely given the speaker a respectful space in
which to express himself. Youve given him a chance.

Backtracking: Talk Like You Understand

Once youve given the speaker an opportunity to express himselfand have
even encouraged him to do soyoull need to backtrack. By repeating what
youve just heard from the other person, you can demonstrate that youre
both on the same page. More importantly, backtracking the conversation
lets the other person know hes been heard, and that you value what he is
saying.
The idea is to repeat the key words, phrases, and ideas youve just heard
so as to clarify the information. If someone who is standing on her soapbox
declares, There are simply too many people making too many demands and
too little time to address them, you dont need to repeat all of that back.
You could simply nod and say, Mhmm, far too little time to address them.
If you arent used to this connected way of listeninglooking, sounding,
and talking like you understandit may seem a bit awkward at first. But
hang tough; youll be amazed at how quickly you get the hang of it. Backtracking is actually an easier and more effective way to hear and understand
someone than trying to guess or, worse, misinterpreting and reacting to
what he is saying.

Ask the Right Questions

When the person youre trying to click with has finished making his point,
the time has come to ask questions. Your intention is to clarify anything you
dont understand. Ask one question at a time, and make sure you pause to
listen well to the response. Repeat as needed until youve clarified
everything and filled in all the blanks.
Most people dont ask many questions, and when they do, they are often
not the right questions. We may be afraid of looking stupid. Or maybe we
think asking questions makes us seem weak. Or maybe we just think were

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supposed to have all the answers. Since we can think much faster (500
words a minute) than we speak (about 130 words a minute), its pretty easy
for our minds to wander to what we want to say when we ought to be
listening.
Good listeners understand the limits of their knowledge. They are not
afraid to explore the unknown to build the connection. The key is curiosity.
The less you think you know, the more you find out. And the more value you
place on what you can learn by listening, the less distracted youll be with
your own thoughts.

The Stupid Question vs. the Dumb Question

Perhaps youve heard it said that There is no such thing as a stupid question. Thats a great guide when it comes to everyone else. When someone
asks you a question, no matter how trite, simplistic, or off the point it seems
to be, answering that question can be an opportunity to click.

Questionsthe right questions

are powerful tools for clicking.

When it comes to what you ask, however, there is such a thing as a dumb
question. Dumb questions fail to take the things people say into account.
Dumb questions assume too much and ask too little. If someone tells you I
hate active listening, a dumb question would be Why dont you give it a
chance?
Questionsthe right questionsare powerful tools for clicking. When
you ask questions, they should serve an intelligent purpose. You can use
them to draw people toward you as well as to set direction and expectation
in an interaction. Questions demonstrate empathy, uncover opposition, invite thought, reveal motivation and intent, and get to deeper meaning.
Whats more, your questions can be used to inform not just you, but the
person who is talking to you. So choose them wisely.

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Who? What? Where? When? How?

Start with open-ended questions that begin with the basic five: who, what,
where, when, and how. The great thing about these words is that its impossible to answer any of them with a yes/no response.
Lets use my pet peeveactive listeningas an example. If you ask me
What do you hate about active listening? I would tell you, It seems to require that a person hallucinate freely about another persons meaning. If
you asked me What do you mean by hallucinate freely? Id probably tell
you that making assumptions and guessing whats going on for people is different than finding out. If you then asked me, When do you hate it? I
could tell you, Not always. Its fun when friends do it sometimes. But anytime someone is trying to get to know me, I hate if she starts making assumptions and projecting them on me instead of asking me what I think and
hearing it for what it means to me.
You may notice that I havent included why in this list of questions. Why
is also an open-ended question, but I recommend that you hold off on asking why until youve found out who, what, where, when, and how. Most
people dont know what theyre talking about; theyre only telling you whats
at the surface of their thought. The only way they can answer why is to
make something up. And that takes you off track! If you can get someone
thinking about a topic by engaging her with the basic five questions first,
shell be ready to openly and honestly tell you why.

Ask for Relevancy

There are a couple of other questions you can ask too. When people give you
two or more ideas that sound unrelated, you can ask for their relevancy.

The relevancy question: What does that one idea

have to do with the other idea?

This is a great question when talking to someone who sounds confused,

and its the perfect response to a non sequitur. Asking for the relevance or
relationship between two ideas takes you out of the position of having to

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make sense out of nonsense. Instead, the speaker has to clarify what he is
trying to say. In other words, its not your job to figure out what other
people mean. Ask them, and let them figure it out.

Introduce Information as a Question

Sometimes the best way to tell someone something is to ask him for his
thoughts. He may be more likely to consider what you say that way, in order
to answer your question, than he might be if you just stated it flat out.
This is particularly useful when dealing with someone who has expressed
an opinion about some limitation. For example, your manager informs
everyone in the office about a memo from corporate headquarters in which
all unnecessary spending must be eliminated.
That means no office party for the staff this year. Unfortunately, this is
not open for discussion. Sorry, he says to everyone.
It sounds like its a firm conclusion, yet that little sorry at the end implies that you may get some sympathy and might have an opening, if you
have a better idea.
There are two avenues you could take in this situation.
1. Blend with the managers positive intent. Tell him I know how much
you care about morale, and its already been pretty low around here
since that last round of budget cuts.
2. Blend with the expression of sympathy.
Tell him: Thats a shame about the office party, because the staff really
love it, and its been great for morale.
Once youve got his attention, ask for his thoughts as you introduce your
idea.
What if we could pay for it without having to involve corporate at all?
What would you think about that?
If you get any interest, even if its just a confused look, proceed.
Theres been a lot of griping around here about the belt-tightening, and
that has a dampening effect on morale. So what if we took advantage of
that? What if we were to use the pickle jar approach, where we set a large
pickle jar in the corner, and anytime someone complains, she has to put a
quarter in it? What if we told people that its everyones job to hold each

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other accountable for this, and at the end of the quarter, whatever is in that
jar we use for the party?
Even though youre asking questions, youve presented an idea, explained your reason for it, and even described how it works. All thats left for
your manager to do is to consider it and respond. If the information is good,
or the idea is workable, youll likely get a positive response. But at the least,
you can get him to consider what you have to say.

Ask for Intent

Sometimes when people talk, they give too much information. Instead of
you trying to figure out what youve heard, you can simply ask that person
her intention. Say, for example, I tell you that I hate active listening. You do
your due diligence and find out what I hate about it and so forth, but you
still dont quite understand what it means to me. Before the situation becomes any more convoluted, you could ask me, What is your intent in
telling me this?
I step down from my soapbox and simply reply, To protect you from a
common and counterproductive listening habit that interferes with quality
connections.
Now were both on the same page.

Ask Even if You Already Know

Be wary of believing that you understand anything on the first pass. If you
think you know something, you will stop trying to find out anything more.
And even if you understand more than youve been told, ask about it anyway. If you accept without question the first thing you hear, you pass up an
important opportunity not only to confirm or expand your understanding,
but also to have the other person feel understood. You lose a chance to click.

Tell Me More
When you find that you dont know what to askor you are at a loss
for wordssimply say, Tell me more. This is, after all, what you
really want in any case. This works particularly well with a person

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who is verbose. It may seem a little counterintuitive, but the fact is

that when you ask someone to Tell me more, youll ironically get a
much more concise statement of the same information.

Listen for Feelings, Not Just Words

If communication were a strictly logical enterprise, you could take a Sergeant Friday approach: Just the facts, maam. But communication is more
than logic. People want to be heard and understood emotionally. Ask
enough questions, and what youre hearing will make at least some sense,
but all the while, there may be an emotional message underlying the words,
a message that comes through in the tone of voice.

People want to be heard and understood not just logically, but also
emotionally.

When a manager says to an employee, You said you knew how to do

that, theres the fact to her statement, and then theres the feeling behind it.
The fact of it is that the manager believes that the employee made the claim,
I know how to do it. The emotion behind her statement, however, may
carry several messages that can fall anywhere between Youve lied and
Im very impressed. Learning to hear both words and feelings is a valuable
skill. When the words dont match the feeling, you can ask about the feeling
to add meaning to the words. This can reveal some amazingly powerful information that leads to a much deeper click.

A Time and a Place for Connected Listening

Connected listening is a reliable key to getting a click and it is an excellent
way to deepen a click. The more you hear, the more you know, and the more
you know, the more the person feels heard and understood. Yet not all occasions are conducive to this kind of listening, nor is it necessary all the time.
There are a few occasions when connected listening is best.

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When Someone Is Upset

When emotions are running high, its usually stress thats doing the talking.
People in intense emotional states are so wrapped up in themselves that
there is no immediate way to connect with them. Helping them pull themselves together is a great opportunity for a click, if you go about it in the
right way.
Help them reconnect their brain to their mouths. When youre speaking
with someone whos very emotional, its important to look and sound like
her extremely emotional language makes all the sense in the world, even
though it may make no sense at all. Once shes able to talk through whatever
is bothering her, shell no longer let emotion do the talking; instead, shell
be talking about emotion. More importantly, though, shell feel like you
understand.
When You Suspect a Hidden Agenda
When you have a hunch that theres something that someone is not saying,
or that someone is withholding important information, connected listening
can help you uncover it, reveal it, and deal with it.
One sign that you may not yet have heard everything is the use of the
minimal expressions of doubt I call hedge words: maybe, pretty much, almost certain, pretty sure, and the like. When you hear one of these, you
need to gently inquire further:
He says: And that pretty much covers it. I think youve got just about
everything you need to proceed.
You say: Okay, Ive got just about everything I need to proceed. When
you say, just about everything, what dont I have?
Youre likely to get a straight answer because he wasnt expecting it, and
because you didnt signal him to defend against it. Before you know it, out
comes the missing information.
When Someone Doesnt Know What He Means
Anytime you find yourself talking with someone who doesnt know what she
is talking about, you can use connected listening to point out missing information without putting her on the defensive.
She says, This project will involve numerous operations and procedures
by various groups in order to bring the process through to an appropriate
result. You say, The project will involve numerous operations. What

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operations will be involved? or Mhmm. Various groups. Which groups?

By asking for the missing information, you put the person in the position of
either filling in the blanks, or arriving at the conclusion that she doesnt
know. At that point, youre both in the know and can proceed from there.
When Dealing with Criticism
When someone is picking at you, finding fault, or otherwise putting you
down, its only natural to want to defend yourself. The problem is that going
on the defensive makes you look more guilty than had you said nothing at
all. When you defend yourself against criticism, you come off as protesting
too much, as a latter-day Hamlet might have it.
I remember watching exactly that happen on a television reality show,
when one of the contestants accused another of being controlling, domineering, and unable to take criticism.
The accused immediately began to defend herself by interrupting and repeating, Im not domineering. I can take criticism.
The other contestants gave each other knowing looks. Her behavior
seemed to prove the criticism. Smart questions would have served her better, turning the dynamic of the interaction in a more constructive direction.
Questions like Domineering and controlling in what way? or What criticism do you want me to take?
How should you deal with criticism? Change the dynamic from dealing
with the criticism to understanding the person offering it. You may learn
something useful about yourself or, at least, about interacting with this
person.
When You Want to Persuade
Effective persuasion starts with understanding. It is not about you doing the
talking to get your point across; persuasion is more about listening. Lets
consider Martins situation. Having only recently been promoted, Martin
was very careful to cover all his tracks. During the preparation for an upcoming presentation, he thought his team had overlooked a key objective
from their client, Paws and Rewind Pet Grooming. When he mentioned the
discrepancy to Cynthia, the project manager, she looked at him as if he was
nuts.

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The meeting is in three days, Martin, she reminded him. We dont

have enough time to reinvent the wheel. The important thing now is to
make sure this presentation is ready on time.
That strategy clearly wasnt going to work. Not wanting to have Cynthia
on the defensive, Martin changed tactics. Instead of simply pressing his
case, he tried instead to understand Cynthias approach.
Maybe Ive missed something, he said. Please help me understand
how this presentation will meet all the clients needs.
Cynthia sighed. Martin, Ive told you once, Ive told you a thousand
times. Right now, we just need to make sure its finished. Well never get the
contract signed without it. The way she saw it, their whole relationship
with this client was riding on making the deadline.
Martin heard her overriding concern. He knew that Cynthia would not
be able to really hear him if it seemed he was suggesting anything that
would threaten to slow their progress to the point where they wouldnt be
ready by the appointed day. Wanting to make it clear to her that he had
heard and understood her concern, he said, I know how important this client relationship is and I promise you, well be ready on time no matter what.
But Im sure you wouldnt want us to drop this ball any more than they
would. So can we review how we will address the concern? And what would
happen if we did this instead . . .
Then, and only then, did Martin lay out his ideas for enhancing the
presentation. Reassured that her most pressing concerns were being
handled, Cynthia was able to hear Martins concerns. Then she responded to
them on their meritsand got them into the presentation ahead of the big
day.
Connected listening lets you hear what makes people who they are. It can
get you facts and information that can guide your actions. It can uncover
difficulties before they become full-blown problemsand sometimes even
solve them without further ado. Listening well is what prepares you to speak
well, though you may also find that theres nothing you need to say.
Whenever people talk, what they most want is to be heard and understood. Providing that experience is what really creates the click.

Chapter 4
Click in Style
To build connection with people, you need to understand four basic styles of
communication: action, accuracy, approval, and appreciation. Each mode
reflects the need of the person youre addressing and what hes most likely
to respond to. If youre speaking to a person who is after accuracy above all
else, youre going to miss the mark if your focus is on praising her, for example. But give her details, lots of carefully considered details, and youll
click right along. For a person craving action, on the other hand, the longer
a communication takes, the less satisfying and possibly more irritating it is.
Get right to the point and match his can do attitude, however, and youll
click.

Identifying an Action-Based Individual

A person using an action-based communication style is verbally direct and
goal-focused. Shell talk about doing something, or getting things done.
Shell talk about an objective, or a result, and shell do it quickly. Movement
and momentum have the highest priority, and there will be a clear direction
in what she is saying, either toward a desired end or away from a feared result. She is likely to speak in a commanding and authoritative manner, speak
quickly, and keep up a brisk pace of conversation. She doesnt do small talk.
Her voice is likely louder than normal. She wants her interactions to lead to
action.

Action-based communication sounds like:

Make it happen.
Get it done.
Stop beating around the bush.

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Follow through.
When stating an opinion in this style, it sounds like a given, like a
matter of fact. There are three ways to do this. Youre unlikely to
hear a compliment, and its difficult to use for networking because,
where networking is all about personal connections, this style is
about impersonal outcomes: short statements and signals of impatience like interruptions, or finger tapping, indicating that theres too
much talk and not enough evidence of action. You will hear rapid
speech, and words that seek to put the conversation behind you, like
okay, and fine, and Ill get back to you later.

Action-based communication looks like:

Individuals driven by a need to act will be eager to make eye contact
or move into others personal spaces. They will often move in a
straight line, as if to get somewhere in the fewest number of steps.

Action-based communication reads in e-mail:

Messages are extremely brief and may consist of sentence fragments.
There will be a notable lack of personal identifiers, for example: Saw
the movie. Didnt get it. Heres the report. Reply ASAP.

The Action Click

When a person is direct and to the point, your response should also be direct and to the point. Speak assertively. Be matter of fact. Let him hear direction in your wordsdirection toward a decision, conclusion, opinion, or
action.

Helpful Phrases for the Action Click:

I want to tell you about . . . (put a short summary of what youre
getting at right up front)
Heres where Im going with this . . .
Consider this . . .
You can . . .

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Let me get right to the point . . .

Moving right along . . .
Whats the bottom line? Its this . . .
Want to click? Get to it. The faster things move forward, the better
this person will respond to you.

Identifying an Accuracy-Based Individual

A person using an accuracy-based communication style is also focused on
goals, but will pay more attention on the process and the details. Verbally,
he is indirect. He speaks slowly and in a restrained manner, offering a lot of
particulars, and takes his time getting to the point, if he gets there at all. He
may ask a lot of questions to acquire more information and specifics, and
make long statements to establish facts and stimulate thinking. You might
hear a long-winded explanation that walks you through something already
done. He talks about steps and procedure. He is deliberate. He wants to
avoid mistakes. He needs more time to address a given subject than people
using other styles might. His tone may be flat and systematic. If the communication moves along too quickly, or is too general, it may be difficult for
him to maintain interest, so it will be important to be methodical and thorough in your conversations.

Accuracy-based communication sounds like:

After considering the many variables . . .
There are many facts to consider . . .
Before proceeding, a careful analysis might yield . . .
Dont be surprised to hear a counting-off of items, as if reading a
checklist. An opinion may sound more like an analysis, and likely it
will have no conclusion, but instead end with options. Concerns,
when expressed, will highlight missing information, a break in the
chain of events, or an erroneous conclusion based on inadequate
evidence. An accuracy-oriented individual describes every step and

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detail beginning to end. It may seem like the person doesnt hear you,
because he continues on when you speak as if you didnt say a word.

Accuracy-based communication looks like:

People prone to an accuracy-based style of communication often
break eye contact or look away while talking, as if to pay closer attention to their own thought processes rather than being distracted by
your responses.

Accuracy-based communication reads in e-mail:

The content will often be composed of several paragraphs and long
sentences that say little while saying much. The message may also be
filled with statistics and factual references.

The Accuracy Click

Let this person hear that you are paying attention to the details and consider
them important. Repeat several of the details she gave you, and offer the details of what you want her to consider. Be somewhat indirect, but be sure to
go step by step through whatever you have to say. With someone using this
communication style, being impersonal will actually yield a stronger click.
Leave out your feelings and hold off on conclusions, and let her hear you
think out loud. Your math teacher might call this showing your work. Let
her hear how you arrive at a conclusion before telling her your conclusion.

Helpful Phrases for the Accuracy Click:

Something worthy of discussion is . . .
Its reasonable to explore the various ways . . .
When broken down into its component parts . . .
There are a lot of reasons to take into account . . .
The best way to click with this person is to take your time and get
specific. If time is an issue, dont go forward too fast or you might
leave them behind. Instead, you can hurry things up by slowing
down.

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Identifying an Approval-Based
Individual
A person using an approval-based communication style is also verbally indirect, but her focus is on people rather than issues. She talks more about
being than doing, and she can tie any subject back to its affect on you or
others. She is concerned primarily with other people and how they feel more
than her own thoughts, feelings, and opinions. When she speaks, she will be
as indirect as possible so as to avoid conflict. She expresses concern for the
opinions and feelings of others, and checks in constantly to be sure she gives
no offense. She can be helpful, friendly, thoughtful, sensitive to other
peoples needs, and respectful of their time, because what she wants is to get
along with others. She is measured and considerate. She speaks slowly, in
soft and caring tones. Her tone may be tentative or deferring. She may be
hesitant to ask, or make statements that sound like questions, as if she is
running them by you for your opinion. She is likely to qualify what shes saying to make sure it is appropriate. If other people are too abrupt, pushy, or
demanding, its difficult for a person using this style to connect with them.
She clicks with people who speak with care and consideration, offering reassurance, and deferring to them.

Approval-based communication sounds like:

Is this a good time?
Is there something you want to tell me . . .?
What do you think?
I feel like you really are doing a great job.
If the person doesnt have anything nice to say, hell probably say
nothing at all. And if he does say something, expect it to be loaded
with cushioning statements and softeners, like You probably didnt
know . . . and Its not a big deal or anything but . . . and No offense, but I was hoping . . . Approval-seeking communication also
seeks to avoid conflict whenever possible and to minimize

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misunderstanding by talking indirectly. I dont mean to argue, but .

. . or Please dont take this the wrong way, but . . .
Expect to be thanked repeatedly for each small offering of assistance. Thank you and Thats great, Im so relieved. Expect polite
communication, and to be treated as if you are important. The
approval-seeking communicator may be self-deprecating.

Approval-based communication looks like:

She may wear an out of place smile, offer a hesitant touch, or a tenuous handshake, as if to determine if it will be accepted before fully
offered.

Approval-based communication reads in e-mail:

You may find e-mails from her are filled with warm greetings and
sign-offs. There may often be references to positive memories
scattered throughout and inquiries about personal matters. She may
be interested in your feelings and offer long, indirect explanations to
avoid even a hint of conflict.

The Approval Click

The key here is to be considerate yourself, and to let the person hear you
taking others thoughts and feelings into account. Be friendly. Speak patiently and with care. Talk about the relationship between the two of you,
rather than focusing on her directly.

Helpful Phrases for the Approval Click:

You and I . . .
What do you think we should do?
How do you feel about our choices . . . ?
Heres what this will mean to us . . .
Everyones on board . . .
Do you mind . . . ?

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Is this a good time . . . ?

Build a relationship with someone using this style by focusing attention on the relationship, and your relationship to others, within
your conversation.

Identifying an Appreciation-Based Individual

A person using an appreciation-based communication style is focused on
people as opposed to goals, and on being rather than doing, but he is
verbally direct. He is more aware ofand talks more abouthimself. He
speaks often of his achievements and accomplishments with energy, enthusiasm, and passion. In conversation, he will use exclamations and personal
anecdotes to make his point. He strives to evoke feelings about what he
deems important and will be glad to elaborate. The appreciation-seeker is
garrulous because its not about some thing in particularits about some
one; its about him.
If theres a bottom line, he gives it to you up front, then goes on about it
with passion. He responds most positively to people speaking equally energetically, even in disagreements. He needs to feel special, and if an interaction fails to give recognition where it is due (or where it is at least desired),
he may tune out, put it down, get angry, or walk away.

Appreciation-based communication sounds like:

I feel we ought to do this, and Ill tell you why.
Ive given this a lot of thought, because its important to me . . .
I can see that if I were to do this, I would . . .
I feel strongly about this. I hope youll listen to me, because Im
sure this is so.
The voice may even go up in volume to emphasize the persons
feelings. Hyperbole might be used to inflate an idea or an opinion in
order to draw attention to it. I always say . . . or Everybody
knows . . . The person who engages you through strong statements,
who provokes you with challenging words, who demands that you notice who youre talking to, is signaling the need for appreciation.

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Appreciation-based communication looks like:

Expect to see big gestures. He is the kind of person that will take up
more space and gladly move into yours. His facial expressions may
seem exaggerated, with eyebrows up and a big open-mouthed smile.

Appreciation-based communication reads in e-mail:

In messages, he will offer a story or humorous anecdote to illustrate
a point. Occasionally, he may send you jokes, funny pictures, and
links to humorous clips to show that hes thinking of you and that he
wants your appreciation for it.

The Appreciation Click

Be direct and enthusiastic! Recognize and acknowledge the person you are
talking to. Use your words and attitude to create a spotlight effect. Let her
know she is important, and important to you, by the way you talk. Let the
sound of your voice be energized by the chance to talk with her. Find opportunities for acknowledgment and appreciation for what she says. Ask for input. Ask for advice. Ask for her help. Ask for her insight. Ask for her experiences. All of these invitations tell the person I value you.

Helpful Phrases for the Appreciation Click:

I noticed how YOU . . .
I love the way YOU . . .
How do YOU . . .
Can YOU show me . . .
What do YOU think?
Help me with something.

Mixing and Matching Styles

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Most communication problems come down to mismatched styles. If the person you are interacting with is focused on the goal side of things, and you
follow your usual m.o. by being more intent on the people side of things, you
may be considered a distraction and you wont make the connection. The
worst way to get someone using an accuracy style to hurry up is to demand
action; the best way to bring him along is by meeting him where he is, and
then going forward a step or two at a time. If a person likes to go into detail,
while you get right to the heart of the matter, youre going to have to consciously moderate yourself when you want to connect.

Most communication problems come down

to mismatched styles.

When you meet someone whose communication style matches your own,
clicking can proceed smoothly. Matching styles, though, isnt always the
best way to connect. If you and the other person both use action-based communication, for example, one of you may be eclipsed by the other person. If
you both are driving toward your own vision of a result, you are headed for a
crash. Instead, you need to acknowledge her desire for action, recognize her
vision, then come out with your alternative. Present your alternative as a
way of getting her to her desired result. You may go a couple of rounds, but
ultimately it will earn you her respect.
When two people are both using approval-based communication, it can
lead to indecision and procrastination. Its the Marty dilemma: What do
you want to do? I dont know, what do you want to do? But by providing
some direction you can move things along and, at the same time, click.
Its a good idea to have a clue about where you are starting from in any
given situation. Whats your style? What is most important to you in communication? How can you shift the emphasis of your behavior to match the
other persons style while not abandoning your own? Identifying your own
preferred styles will illuminate what makes it harder for you to click with
some people than with others.

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Things Change
Communication is a pattern of behavior, not a type of personality, and as
such, it is subject to change. The more familiar people are with one another,
the more likely that other behaviors will emerge. Someones style can
change depending on the situation, whether its public or private, whether
its just a few people or many people, whether there are financial pressures,
and whether its driven by fear or desire. It can change based on priorities in
a moment in time.
So you can never assume youve figured someone out once and for all.
Keep pitching to what you know shes hitting, but be ready with a change-up
when its called for. To do that, you have to keep paying attention, so youll
know when things change. You might be able to get along just fine with the
other guy on your project team when its just you and him. But when your
boss is in the room, suddenly his straight-ahead action style gives way to approval. If you want to keep working together smoothly, youre going to have
to adjust your style, too.
Your own flexibility is the key to building relationships with others.

Practice, Practice, Practice

The best way to learn how to recognize all four communication styles is to
practice using them.
Identify a specific person with whom you want to click, and the specific situation in which you want to click. Then ask yourself: What will
your attention focus on? What is a goal that you have? Or, what other
people are involved in the situation?
If you have a goal in mind, are you more concerned with the process
or the outcome? Is the other person more concerned with the process
or the outcome?
When you speak, are you faster or slower, more direct or indirect?
What is the other persons speech like?
Are you more concerned with how the other person feels or how you
are perceived by him? How about the other person?
Another useful exercise is to try saying the same thing using each style.
Start where you are. If you know the details, whats the point? If you know

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the point, what are the steps to the process? If you know how you feel, start
by trying to understand the feelings of others. If you know how others feel,
try saying how you feel instead.

Saying It Four Ways

Building connection with people has many benefits.
Action: Build connections, get benefits.
Accuracy: Experts have found that building connection with people
is a valid way of increasing the size of ones network. It is a worthwhile way to go about building a safety net, and therefore this is an
idea worthy of consideration.
Approval: What do you think about building connections with
people? Do you think that would have any benefits for you? Ive heard
its a good thing to do. Dont you agree?
Appreciation: If I were you, Id get busy building connections with
people. Its great for you, great for them, everyone wins. Trust me on
this. You do what I say, someday youll thank me because theyll be
thanking you.

When you can say anything four different ways, you can get along with
just about anyone in any situation.

Chapter 5
Motivation to Click
Connecting and clicking is not about motivating someone, its about figuring
out what his motivation is, and how to satisfy it.
You cant really motivate anyone else. People dont ever do what you
want them to do simply because you want them to do it. They do what they
do because they want to do it. Because they have a reasonthey have a motivation to do it. Or a motivation not to do it. Or no motivation, so they do
nothing. Theres a motive behind every decision, every behavior. Motivation
determines determination and drives drive. When you learn to identify
someones motivation and tap into it, you can create all this and more.
If you understand the motivational drivers of human behavior, then you
can gain the ability to identify and engage these drivers in yourself and in
your relationships. Understand what motivates you and you can express
yourself with more clarity and focus. Understand someone elses motivation
and youll know what to say and how to say it, whenever you want to click.
Then youll be ready to send signals of motivational similarity, speak to a
person as an insider rather than an outsider, reach people at a deeper level
of who they are, and make a powerful connection. Click!
It all starts by wondering why.

Motivation: Moving Toward, Moving Away

Motivation is all about movement. At our most basic level of existence, we
are motivated by our desires and our fears. While we have all kinds of motivations, we will always move toward desire or away from fear. Either we
want something enough to do something about it, or we dont want
something enough to prevent it.
The signs for both motivations are telltale. Those motivated by fear move
away from a threat, while those motivated by desire will do what they can to
get what they want. The good news is that you can work with both types of
motivation to achieve your desirethe click.

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Matching Motivation
Lets say you have an idea for a project to make your office more efficient.
Lately, the mail system has fallen to pieces, and no one is sure who is delivering the mail, who receives it in which department, and when the mail cart
comes around to pick it up. After weeks of missing bills and lost issues of
your newsletter, youve figured out a foolproof plan to get everyone their
mail quickly and efficiently. While youre excited about this new plan, the
projects successful implementation involves the participation of your
coworkers, some of whom you hardly know. When you present your project
idea to them, their response is flat and disengaged. Whats missing isnt
your motivation. Its theirs.

Motivation comes down to how a person answers

these fundamental questions: Whats in it for me?
and Why should I care?

If your coworkers dont share your motivation for your project, you have
to help them find it. Motivation comes down to how a person answers these
fundamental questions: Whats in it for me? and Why should I care? If
you want your project to move forward, you will have to help your coworkers ask these questions and find good answers.
Claudia faced a dilemma much like this. After having worked for her
software company for some time, she had an idea for a new product line.
Before presenting it, she developed a project overview and a proposal. It
looked great on paper, and her boss told her to build a team to execute it.
Her first pick for her team was Jan, who had strong connections with industry insiders who might be of great value in pulling certain parts of the
project together.
When Claudia introduced the idea, however, Jans response was lukewarm. She reluctantly agreed to a small role on the team, but made it clear
she didnt think much of the idea. The more excited Claudia was about the
project, the more Jan seemed to pull back. As time passed, Claudia found
herself defending her idea with Jan instead of advancing it, and feeling
more and more frustrated, disappointed, and angry.

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Claudia realized she needed to understand Jans motivation if she was to

have any chance of getting Jans help. She listened to how Jan talked about
other issues and ideas in the office, and learned that Jan, regardless of the
topic, spoke a lot about what she didnt want, and only rarely about what
she did want. Claudia also heard Jan telling another employee, Thats not
what I do, and Thats really not my job. Hope was not lost, though, because shed overheard Jan arguing passionately when someone trespassed
on the turf of her expertise. Shed declare, I do this because Im good at it,
so stay out of my way and let me do my job!
Here was someone with great connections and skills who doubted her
own abilities when she was outside her comfort zone. Jan resisted new opportunity out of fear of failure. As a result, she stayed with the familiar. Jan
was moving away from Claudias project out of fear of failure. Claudia decided to help Jan get what she wantedto stay in her domain of competence
and successand avoid what spooked herbeing exposed to criticism and
judgment if the project failed. Claudia needed to limit the possibility of failure falling on Jan and assure her she could stay in familiar territory. After
all, it was the software designers, not the team leader, who would be boldly
going where theyd never gone before. Claudia also needed to show Jan the
downside of not coming onboard, in order to speak to her away
motivation.
Claudia approached, having rehearsed in her mind what she would say.
Jan, this project Im asking you to get involved with . . . theres something I
dont think I made clear to you. Its my project and if it doesnt work out, its
on me, and our manager knows that. I wont ask you to do anything that you
havent done on other projects. If you have a problem with anything I ask of
you, tell me your specific concern and Ill find a way to deal with it. Youre
perfect for this, and you know the right people who could make this project
a success. It would be a real shame if you failed to notice that. Im only asking you to do what only you know how to do. If you dont contribute your expertise to this project, I really think youll be missing out.
Click!
Jan agreed to come on board as long as her exposure was limited, and on
the condition that she wouldnt have to do anything she wasnt competent at
doing. It wasnt that Jan didnt have motivation. It was that Claudia hadnt
engaged her motivation.
Sometimes building a connection means finding out what someone
really wants in a way that she knows you get it, or will help her get it. And

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sometimes it means finding out what someone doesnt want, and then helping her avoid it. Sometimes its a little of both.

Fear as a Motivator
Fear commands interest and holds it, at least initially. The oldest and most
despised trick in the persuasion book is to get a person to feel threatened
and then offer an easy solution that eliminates the threat. Its practically
guaranteed, in the short term, to generate interest and engage motivation.
But those who use it this way should be warned: They must walk a fine line
when using fear to motivate. Apply too little and it wont gain any interest.
Apply too much and they overload and exhaust the receptors for it, with the
paradoxical effect of loss of interest.
Fear has a place in our lives as a powerful motivational force. It protected our ancestors from saber-toothed tigers, and today it may get you across
a busy street safely. And it can hold your feet to the fire of a promise made
when the rest of you wants to fly away from that promise. You will find it
useful to add a little fear anytime you are motivated by desire. Desire will
move you forward when you have energy to spare, and fear will keep you going when your energy flags. Thats the best way to use fear . . . as a seasoning
for your commitments. Take into account what you stand to lose by not taking action, and it may get your feet moving in the desirable direction.
For example, you would think that a person would learn the lesson
provided by a speeding ticket: Dont speed. And sure enough, in the two
weeks following a speeding ticket, a driver will typically behave better on the
road. But it doesnt take long for the fear motivation to wear off, and the old
behavior to kick in. Soon, that driver is back up to his old tricks. Or hes
learned a new one, such as: You can avoid tickets if you just pay closer attention to overpasses and on-ramps. When the fear wears off, the driver is
left with whatever motivated the speeding in the first place.

Desire will move you forward when you have energy to

spare, and fear will keep you going when your energy flags.

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While fear plays an important role in motivation, it cannot create sustained motivation by itself. Even when the people you want to click with are
using it on themselves, its in your interest to keep the short-term nature of
fear motivation in mind, and to find a greater desire to keep motivation
alive. To click with people motivated by fear, you need to speak to their fear.
The rule for using fear as a motivator in our own lives is that a little bit
goes a long way.

Desire as a Motivator
Desire is a strong and sustainable force. It can light a fire in your belly, or
get you to take a chanceor even risk failure. If you know why something
matters to you, you can go further, deeper, or higher than youve ever gone
before.
You begin to identify desire when you can answer the question, What do
you want? Someone who is motivated by fear will answer, I dont want to
feel bad. Use this as your chance to move things forward. Acknowledge the
fear and ask, Then what do you want to feel?
The answer is something you can connect over, something worthwhileperhaps something you can work toward together.
Sometimes it takes people a little while to arrive at a useful answer to
this powerful question. They might reply with a comparative statement like
I want to feel better than this. Keep talking to them until you can get a
positive answer; desire is about what you want to work toward.
Name it and claim it.

The 6 Types of Motivation

Motivation drives behavior and determines what someone is paying attention to and how he will interpret any attention you give him. Our interest
here is to consider the motivations more subtle than survival that are at play
in modern humans. There is a full spectrum of concerns another person
may be working with that you need to tap into if you want to click.
Im going to break motivation down into six recognizable categories that
can help you to understand yourself and others, motivations with which you
can click. Each type has an aspect of both fear and desire.

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Values
Reward
Challenge
Esteem
Purpose
Feelings
Just as peoples lives are complex, our motivations are many. We dont
have one motivation for everything we do. What motivates us depends on
where we are, who we are with, and what is before us or behind us.
If you can understand a persons primary motivation, the one that is
more important than the others in a given situation, you can frame what you
say in a way that speaks to that primary motivation, which will lead to a
more meaningful click.
1. Values
It is next to impossible to convince a person primarily motivated by her values to go along with something she perceives as wrong, and almost impossible to stop such a person from doing something she believes to be
right.
To put it into perspective, say one evening while youre driving home late
on the highway, you notice someone who appears to be injured and attempting to hitchhike. You know it is wrong to pick up hitchhikers, especially so late at night. Equally, youve been instilled with a sense of stewardship and you can tell this person needs help. What do you do? Its a serious
question. Should you pass him by, you may agonize over it long past the
point where it is still relevant to making a choice. If you pick him up, it
could be dangerous.
Values are a significant element in how cultures and societies are structured. Conflict over values is often found at the heart of the most divisive issues we face in our society. So values are potential tripwires in any relationship. One of the first things you should ferret out about a person at the outset of any relationship is his system of values. Its a good idea to check out
the shared values underlying any new group you join, too.
When people are motivated by their sense of right and wrong, they tend
to divide the world into black-and-white terms. The person who desires to
do the right thing squares his shoulders, sucks in his gut, and steps boldly

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forward. The person in fear of doing something wrong may struggle for air
during his internal debate, then shrug his shoulders to dismiss the question
or opportunity.

Ethics isnt always a choice between right and wrong.

Sometimes its choosing between two rights and
sometimes its choosing the lesser of two evils.

The world is not all black and white. Most issues involving value judgments of right and wrong fall in that big gray area between the rule of law
and free will known as ethics. Ethics isnt always a choice between right and
wrong. Sometimes its choosing between two rights, and sometimes its
choosing the lesser of two evils.

Clicking with Someone Motivated by Values

You can hear when a persons sense of right and wrong is her primary motivation; her speech will be riddled with words like should and must, or shall
not and should not. People motivated by values tend to speak with great
conviction, as if something important depends on what they advocate being
just, reasonable, and fair.

Phrases Associated with Values:

It isnt right, and Its only fair.
We are obligated to do this.
Its only right that I talk with you.
It seems proper to discuss this first.
If a person speaks often about doing the right thing, you can frame your
interactions with her accordingly. Bring up a situation where you chose to
do the right thing, even if it wasnt the most popular decision. When making
a suggestion or responding to something shes said, use similar buzzwords.

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Sentences like, You really should consider this, or It seems only fair that
you hear me out, will really resonate with that individual. With the person
who appears to be motivated by a strong sense of prudence and a desire to
avoid the morally repugnant, youll hear her commenting on what would be
wrong or improper. Frame your conversations with her accordingly. Talk
about avoiding mistakes, about preventing injustice, about the unfairness of
not considering something or taking a certain action. When speaking with
her, speak to this sense of prudence with sentences such as, It would be a
terrible injustice if we didnt meet, and It seems we should discuss the
matter.
2. Reward
Some people are moved to action when there is something they stand to
gain or something they stand to lose. Winning and losing are powerful
enough motivators that entire industries have been set up to serve them. It
doesnt take big gains and losses to move people. Incentive programs, for
example, leverage the desire to gain. Prize contests, sales, and bonuses all
operate through the motivation of reward. Sometimes a kind word or a
smile can be reward enough, just as the disapproval of a coach or mentor
can be a loss to be avoided.
Motivation thats driven by the hunger for reward is often brought into
play with the promise of a gift or the idea of something good yet to come.
Watch and observe, listen and attend, because when a person is moved by
the promise of reward, shell tell you. You can see it in her excited nod as she
gazes ahead. You can hear it in the enthusiasm in her voice when she speaks
about the object of her desire. Often these individuals enjoy taking risks or
trying new things.
A person driven by the fear of loss will back away from that possibility in
word and deed, shaking his head at the mere prospect of it. I dont think
Im willing to take that chance or Too rich for my blood. This motivation
leads some to set impossible conditions before agreeing to pursue a reward,
hoping that the inability for those conditions to be met will guarantee that
there will be no loss.
I know a guy who wanted to get into real estate investing. (This was back
before the bubble burst.) But it scared the heck out of him. So every time he
made an offer on a property, he made it lower than the recommendation of
his Realtor, hoping to be outbid and thus protected from making a mistake
and losing everything. Turns out that when the market turned south and so

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many people lost so much in real estate, he gained the reward of knowing
that his fearful approach had been a good one. That reward for his caution
will likely motivate more caution in other matters for years to come.

Clicking with Someone Motivated by Reward

Individuals driven by a desire for rewards will use some of the same language that surrounds mathematics. Things add up, or they are on the
money. Youll hear someone talk about how he can add a little here and
subtract a little something over there, and stack the deck in my favor. If
you hear the language of reward, speak to it.
If a person speaks often about winning, obtaining, or getting more, you
can frame your interactions with her accordingly. Talk about how rewarding
it is to meet her, how working or being together is a real win, and how taking action now will ensure you both come out ahead.
Some phrases to consider:
This conversation will benefit us both.
We stand to gain a lot from this.
If a person demonstrates this motivational pattern by frequently talking
about losing or missing out, being deprived, or not receiving her due, respond in kind. You can frame your conversations around including her and
pointing out the potential for gain.
Try using phrases such as:
Because I dont want you to miss out, we should get while the getting is good.
I didnt want to lose this chance to meet you.
When offering a reward, be careful that youre giving it for good behavior. A reward for doing nothing, for example, reinforces doing nothing. If you
reward negative behavior with a lot of attention, youll be sure to see it
again. Rewarding complaints with reaction may get you more complaints,
but preventing complaints by rewarding pro-action may eliminate the need
for complaints at all.

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Some rewards are external, like the little sound of pleasure a person
makes when you give him a gift or do something that he enjoys. Other rewards are intrinsic, which can be more motivating and more powerful in the
end. These are the kinds of rewards we feel within, such as a sense of accomplishment or pride after finishing a project.
3. Challenge (Success/Failure)
The challenge motivation is about the thrill of trying and is the driving force
behind athletic prowess, academic achievement, business building, and
artistic endeavor. Challenge-seekers are risk takers, and often dont give up
easily. They will keep trying until they feel that thrill of victory or that agony
of defeat.
Some people will eagerly take up a challenge as a group that they
wouldnt touch on their own, counting on the motivation of others to pick
up the slack if necessary. And the reverse is also true. Some people would
never dream of taking up a challenge if it meant placing their fate in the
hands of others.
Because it is there. Thats what British climber George Mallory said,
when asked why he wanted to climb Mount Everest. He disappeared, along
with his climbing partner Andrew Irvine, before he ever reached the summit. He had to know that he risked being defeated by the harsh conditions
before he ever began. But so strong was his motivation that all he could see
was the chance for a victorious climb. That is exactly the way a person motivated by challenge sees what is before her. It is there, therefore I must.
People positively motivated by challenge display the qualities of champions, of those who successfully tread the path to ultimate victory: passion,
vision, preparation, goal-setting, planning, mental and physical training,
perseverance, courage, and integrity.

Clicking with Someone Motivated by Challenge

The language of challenge is about success and failure, victory and defeat,
overcoming or succumbing, and rising or falling. If someone wants to be
successful, and you have something to contribute to his success, he will want
to hear you out about it. Likewise, if he is more focused on avoiding being
part of a losing team, you should offer him a safe alternative should things
go wrong.

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Frame your interactions in the language of success, just as he does. Talk

about how you share his can-do spirit, how working or being together will
lead to success, and how taking action now will ensure victory.
Some phrases to keep in mind:
This is our chance to meet this challenge head on.
We will be triumphant.
Heres what we can do.
You should also respond in kind to the person who demonstrates this
motivational pattern by talking about defeat, failure, and what cant be
done.
Try these phrases on for size:
We cant let this moment pass us by.
We will not be defeated.
You can only fail if you do not try.
If I failed to introduce myself to you, Id never forgive myself for
letting the opportunity slip away.
Click!
4. Esteem
Esteem motivates the drive for reputation and fame. People driven by this
motivation seek to make their mark on the world in order to increase their
sense of worthiness. Its easy to notice people driven by the esteem motivation because they engage in obvious behavior designed to draw attention to
themselves and increase their standing in the eyes of others.
Mary Kay Ash, founder of Mary Kay Cosmetics, famously said that
people want only two things more than sex and money: recognition and
praise. She was no doubt describing her own motivation, while recognizing
the powerful role it plays in the lives of others. To the person motivated by
esteem, recognition is like oxygen.
People with this motivation may assume it exists in everyone else. They
give recognition and appreciation eagerly, believing that it will reflect favorably on them. Its a good strategy, too, because people appreciate those who

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appreciate them, and give recognition to people who deem them worthy of
recognition. But not all who are driven by this motivation are as generous in
the recognition they give. Some are hard on themselves, and just as hard on
everyone else. You can always do better, and Nobodys perfect, are
verbal indicators of people who may struggle with their own self-worth.
When esteem is the motivation, there is no greater insult than someone
getting a name wrong, or not remembering someone at all. Its not uncommon for the person with this motivation to declare loudly, Dont you know
who I am?
This actually happened when I was at the airport in Chicago. Our flight
was cancelled, and the rebooking line at the counter was long. Someone motivated by his own sense of importance pushed his way to the head of the
line and demanded attention from the woman behind the counter. She
asked him to wait his turn.
He practically bellowed, Dont you know who I am?
She took this as a cue to pick up the microphone and make the following
announcement. There is a gentleman at the counter who doesnt know who
he is. If you do, would you please come and claim him?
Embarrassed and ashamed, he slunk away.
The agent may not have gotten a click with him (though she certainly did
with the others waiting in line), but she did tap into his motivation accurately, triggering the fear response.
When people with this motivation dont feel respected, they may treat
others with disrespect. They tend to be defensive, arguing with anyone who
seems to contradict them, and strive mightily to avoid being singled out for
criticism or disdain, or a bad reputation. If they are dominated by low selfesteem, they may keep their head down and their mouth shut, only offering
their ideas when prodded repeatedly. The fear often leads to mistakes and
shame, embarrassment and self-doubt. You can hear them disrespecting
themselves in the way they dismiss what they say as soon as they say it:
You probably already thought of that, and Its not really important.

Clicking with Someone Motivated by Esteem

Listen for admonishments to be proud, to be independent, to stand up for
yourself, or to develop your unique gifts and abilities and be all that you can
be. Find a way to let people with this motivation be somebody, in your eyes,

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or in the eyes of others. Put them in charge of something (even something

small) and then give them recognition for taking it on. Ask for them to share
their wisdom with you. All of these approaches send the signal: You are
someone special and worthwhile, and I recognize you for it.
5. Feelings
When all is said and done, pleasure and pain are really the only two motivational forces in life. We find pleasure in doing whats right, in gaining a reward, in taking on a challenge, in developing our worth, in living with purpose. It is the avoidance of pain that drives us away from doing whats
wrong, from losing, from failing and, from feeling worthless and empty.
Pain can motivate people to do terrible things, from lashing out in selfdefense to violence and other aggression aimed at stopping the pain altogether. Likewise, the promise of pleasure has motivated people to do all
kinds of things that may or may not have been in their interest, including
binge eating, drug addiction, and marital infidelity. We know that some
people are drawn toward pleasure like moths toward a flame. They know
something is wrong, and yet they must do it anyway. And some people find
pleasure in pain, either in their own pain or in the pain of others.

Clicking with Someone Motivated by Feelings

If you arent able to identify someones motivation, or her motivation
doesnt fit well into the other categories in this model of motivation, to click
you should speak to the desire for pleasure and the fear of pain. You do this
by talking about feelings.
Below are some sentences to use in such a situation:
Its a pleasure to meet you.
Wont it feel good to get together?
Im sure there is something we can do to ease the pain and frustration youve been going through.
6. Purpose
Purpose is one of the strongest motivational forces of all, because it gives us
fulfillment. Without purpose, action seems empty, and emptiness is often
the harbinger of darkness and despair. A person motivated by a sense of

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purpose ultimately does what she does because it fulfills her at the core of
who she is. She knows who she is, why she is, and why she must keep going.
Just the desire for a sense of purpose in life is itself a motivator for action.
Purpose exists beyond material benefit, beyond reward. Purpose is what
gives life real meaning. Purpose is the biggest reason why.
There comes a time in our lives when living with purpose outweighs all
other considerations, and finding our purpose promises the way out of that
sense of emptiness when we have no idea what we are supposed to be doing.
A life driven by purpose expresses itself in the language of idealism, of a perfect world, of how things ought to be, of the meaning of life: This is what
Im meant to be doing, In a perfect world . . . , Heres how I fit in . . .
The purposeless person expresses futility and hopelessness because when he
looks to the past, he sees no point, and when he looks to the future, he finds
nothing there compelling enough to pursue: I dont see the point, Why
bother?, Like thats going to do any good . . .

Clicking with Someone Motivated by Purpose

Understand the power of purpose and convey your understanding. Notice
when someone talks about the meaning of his life, and support that same
purpose in the way you respond. Connect to his sense of purpose or some
aspect of it. Or help someone along the path to finding his purpose by talking about his idea of the ideal, and the values he brings to making that happen. Because purpose is such a broad motivation, conversation can be wideranging and still connect. The key is to speak in terms of how things ought
to be, why we are here, and asking about what his biggest dreams and ambitions are for making the world a better place. Talk about what the action is,
why thats whats happening, and why it matters. To tap into a sense of purpose, start with phrases like, This is why we are here, Heres why what
were doing makes a difference, Everything has brought us to this moment, or This is where it all begins to count. The most effective way to
connect to purpose is to be specific about the purpose: This is about producing a quality product, say, or Were all about saving the rain forest.

How to Identify Motivation

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Sometimes motivation is obvious, a matter of bringing to the forefront what has been in the background all along. Much of the time,
people will simply tell you what their motivations are. If you listen to
how people explain, defend, justify, and excuse themselvesyoull
hear such things in the regular course of any conversationyou can
learn a lot about their motivations. Listen to the reasons why people
say they do what they do, and dont do what they dont do. Just listen.

Motivational Layering
People layer or stack their motivations, starting with their most important
driver, but this layering is not progressive, its additive. The more motivations someone has, the more motivated she will be.
The most basic version of motivational layering takes place when you
mix a little fear with a lot of desirethe mix thats proven to be the most effective. The person who has something to move toward and something to
leave behind has more motivation to keep trying than the person with only
one or the other.
Not all fears carry the same weight, nor does every desire. Some fears
and desires speak more powerfully to some individuals than others do. Discerning the layers and addressing them in turn makes for the most powerful
connections.
Use why to identify a persons motivations and to understand the way
those motivations are layered. If you ask Why do you want to go to that
conference? and someone tells you Everyones going, you can keep asking, gently not intrusively, and youll soon know the range and depth of
everything that is influencing their behaviorincluding how many forms of
motivation. Youll have a deeper connection with people by letting them tell
you their reasons why, and understanding them.
Some potential responses include:

Esteem
Its a chance for me to be noticed by my professional peers.

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If I dont show up, my associates might assume I dont care about

developing my skills.

Values
Theyre counting on me.
I wouldnt want to let them down.

Challenge
Its a real chance to learn from the top experts in the field!
Id hate to miss something that would let others pass me by.

Feelings
It would be fun!
Id hate to miss all the fun.

If You Want to Know Someones Motivation, Ask for It

Sometimes the best thing to do is to set everything aside and just ask, Why
are you doing that? You dont want to ask these questions so bluntly with
most people. But finding out the answers connects you to people in incredibly deep and meaningful ways. You can soften the questions by asking for
their help.
Can you help me understand why you do this?
Id really like to know you better. Can you tell me why you care so
much about that?
Once youve reached a certain level of connectiononce you know the
who, what, where, when, and how of something said to youasking why
gives you a deeper level of understanding and insight into what makes
someone tick, and tells you exactly how to click.
Thats what I did the day my wife came into my office, sat on my couch,
and told me that shed just spoken with a friend on the phone. When I asked
who it was, my wife declined to tell me. I knew that she had a reason to

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refrain from telling me, but the fact that she told me anything at all told me
she wanted to share at least something.
I was curious so I asked. Honey, you brought this up, told me just
enough to get me interested, and then stopped. Im curious, why wont you
tell me the rest of it?
Looking away, she said, It would be wrong.
I continued to push. Why would it be wrong?
Hesitantly, she finally conceded, I cant tell you because I want you to
know you can trust me not to violate your confidence.
In this, I could hear that she was motivated by what she didnt want. She
was concerned about doing the wrong thing, and behind all of that was her
wanting my respect. Her concerns and motivations were both based on fear,
values, and esteem.
I had the idea to use the moment to reinforce something that motivates
me: the fact that it is important to me, as a doctor, that my private conversations with my wife be kept in confidence.
So I told my wife that I would never want her ever to do something she
thought was wrong, and I had nothing but the greatest respect for the way
she honored our private conversations. In that moment, I may not have gotten what I initially wanted (details on my wifes conversation with her
friend) but I got something far more valuable to me: an even deeper connection with my wife.
Theres nothing particularly remarkable about that conversation. But by
choosing to listen for motivation, I could hear what was there all along. And
asking about it produced a click.

You Go First
The fastest way to learn how to hear and understand motivation in others is
to understand your own first. When you get you, others are going to get you
too. Whenever something matters to you, get to the bottom of it and find out
what makes you tick. Whenever you dont care about something, or are
avoiding something, or even denying something, you have a golden opportunity to explore your away motivations. As you become familiar with the
language you use in exploring these motivations in yourself, you will find it
all the more easy to recognize that same language, and resonate with it,
when you hear it being used by others.

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The most valuable part of this challenge is that it increases your ability to
connect with people and provides you with the most pleasurable relationships. It doesnt matter that you get it just right. What matters is that you
hear more, and thus know more, and are better able to connect as a result.
Because in the moment that you connect with people, they connect with
you.

Chapter 6
What My Cowbell Says About Me: Identifying Values to Click
When you step into my office, you will see my values written, literally, on
the walls. Theres my Be Alive poster, and my God Bless America Peter
Max print. Theres the All I need to know about life I learned from Star
Trek framed poster over my desk, near the CAPTAINS QUARTERS sign. You can
see I value something about travel and adventure because my souvenirs are
on display, like the wooden flowers from Bali, the cowbell from Switzerland,
and the poison dart blowgun from Java. You can see who my heroes are, because there are framed images and reminders on my walls (Buckminster
Fuller, Thomas Jefferson, John Lennon, Superman). I daresay you can tell I
value a full and varied life, because there is nothing spartan about my office.

Our Values Are on Display Wherever We Are

What a person values is no great mystery. People tell you all the time.
This information is in the choices we make, the things we do, the
items that surround us in our personal space, and, of course, in the
things we say to each other. You can tell when people value health,
because they exercise and they eat right. You can tell when people
value fun, because they demonstrate it by going to parties and taking
trips for pleasure. You can tell when people value hard work, love of
country, love of God, or philosophy.

Values guide people in setting goals, making decisions, relating to

friends and colleagues, developing plans, and taking actionsand pretty
much anything else they undertake. Knowing what others value, and learning how to establish shared values, puts you in a great position to click.

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When you notice whats important to people, youll be able to meet people in
the areas that mean the most to them. Knowing what others value tells us
how they measure everythingtheir time, their energy, their thoughtsand
gives us a point of contact with deep roots. When you can identify values
you already share with a person, and find values to share, youll create a
great platform on which to make a connection and build a relationship. Just
be sure you do it honestly, or any platform you do manage to make will be
shaky at best, and uncomfortable for sure.
Madeline was able to harness one of her coworkers values to turn an unpleasant work relationship into a positive one. She had been working with a
guy named Frank for months now. She and Frank seemed to be from different worlds, and whenever they were near each other, those worlds collided.
Madeline was easygoing and open, often bringing in baked goods for her
colleagues and curious to see photos of everyones children. Frank, on the
other hand, was dour and closed. The shades in his office were always down
and when he greeted anyone in the hallway, on the rare occasions he
bothered to, he simply grunted. Her voice was high and lilting. His was a
deep gravelly rumble. Despite these dramatic differences, Madeline was determined to find a way to click with the man she had to interact with every
single working day.
After a while, it wasnt just that Madeline liked to get along with everybody, it was that she felt that her cold relationship with Frank was getting in
the way of her work. It bothered her that after all the time theyd worked together, he still couldnt be at least a little friendly to her. One day, Madeline
forced herself to march into Franks office, where she planned to confront
him about his cold and unfriendly manner. She walked in, he looked up, and
as their eyes made contact, she had second thoughts. His eyebrows were
looking especially harsh that day and she wasnt sure if she could stand up
to him. Maybe this was a bad idea. She looked around, trying to think of a
way out. Thats when she saw it. On Franks desk there was a framed and
polished picture of a classic red-and white-convertible automobile which
she had never taken note of before.
Is that your car, Frank? she asked, then held her breath. This is a bad
idea, she thought to herself as the silence stretched between them.
But then Frank broke the silence. Yes it is! he said. It was the same
deep, rumbling voice Madeline had heard for years. Only this time, there
was energy in it. This was something he cared about, thought important,
wanted to share. Its my 1956 T-Bird. I love that car. Its got these amazing

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rounded tail fins, dual exhaust exits at the side corners of the bumpers, and
portholes in the removable hard top. It belonged to my mother . . .
He couldnt stop talking! His voice, his face, all those elements shed
been taking personally disappeared. His story revealed his love for his
mother, his appreciation for all things classic, his attention to detail, and the
freedom he experienced when driving on the open road. Madeline had made
contact simply by pointing to something Frank valued and asking about it.
As it turned out, she valued some of the same things (mothers, freedom, attention to detail . . . ), and this gave them something to move forward with.
Click.
If not the beginning of a beautiful friendship, it was at last the start of a
real relationship.

Like Attracted to Like

Organizations can rally their people around a clearly defined set of values.
Once the people understand and accept those values as the best way to fulfill
their own values, they will willingly conduct themselves in a way that does
just that. Decisions can be made based on what matters most when there is
a high degree of certainty about what is considered right and what is considered wrong, because people click with the values driving the decisions.
Les Schwab Tires is considered by many to be a fringe benefit of living in
the Pacific Northwest. They are known for practically legendary customer
service, and have tremendous customer loyalty because of it. Every employee exemplifies the mission statement: Pride in Performance is the value
that drives us at Les Schwab. We take pride in our customer service and
pride in our employees. As a company we try to incorporate this belief into
everything we do. Employees click with these values, and customers click
with the employees.
Patagonia, the outdoor clothing company, values a pristine environment.
When they state what they value, they qualify it like this: Our reason for being is to make the best product and cause no unnecessary harm. Yet we are
keenly aware that everything we do as a businessor have done in our
nameleaves its mark on the environment. As yet, there is no such thing as
a sustainable business, but every day we take steps to lighten our footprint
and do less harm.

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When people come together around these values,

they get each other, and are able to bring out the
best in each other.

People are driven by their own values to work for a company like this.
And when people come together around these values, they get each other,
and are able to bring out the best in each other. They click.
The reverse is also true. When teams and partners cant agree on what
matters most, the differences will tear them apart. Organizations with no
clear set of values lack a coherent center around which leaders can lead and
people can organize. The result is turf wars, backbiting, and disciplinary issues. People who have nothing but the platitude of values, like I believe in
family values, or It is wrong to do wrong, are left with no recourse but to
poke and point at values they dont recognize as their own. When all you
know is what you dont want, it undermines your credibility and costs you
the support of others. Competing values are often at the foundation of conflict. Values are so central to our lives that they have become a convenient
wedge for divide-and-conquer strategies in the political realm, in the media,
in the workplace, and in communities.

When all you know is what you dont want, it undermines

your credibility and costs you the support of others.

People get intensely excited, upset, and even irrational when something
they value seems threatened. Ironically, even people who arent quite sure
what their values are become strong defenders of them, most likely because
they recognize that there is something basic, essential, and compelling
about what matters most in life. For example, family values is a broad label
that can mean different things to different people. People can be adamant
about family values yet be unable to tell you which family values (love, respect, diversity, faithfulness, hierarchy, duty, unity) they adhere to. Protesters march in the street because they are anti-war, or against a trade agreement. Yet if you ask what the values are that moved them into the street, all

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they can do is mouth the slogans written on their signs. Their passions are
engaged around something, but they are not quite sure what it is. All they
know is that something about it clicked for them, and they are willing to
march for it.

Using Values to Click

Simply professing certain values doesnt guarantee success or fulfillment.
You have to act on your values to fulfill them. Begin by making an honest
appraisal of how someone (or some organization) is acting on her values.
Look around at her environment, listen to what people say about her, consider her track record. Take an inventory of her behavior and use that as a
barometer of what matters most, and then work your way back to what values that embodies. Say your boss always seems to be in meetings. She always has time for one, cant get enough of the office confab. Think, why all
the meetings? Based on your experience in your workplace, you may realize
most of those meetings are about communication and strategycommon
workplace values. Now, even as someone who hates sitting around conference room tables for any reason, you have grounds for clicking: Valuing
communication and strategy is something you can get behind. Click.

You have to act on your values to fulfill them.

Local politics recently gave me a chance to see this kind of click at work
in real life. As head of the school board, Harriet was eager for Jacob to run
for a third term. Jacob had been a valued member of the board through his
two terms. Hed really helped turn the organization around, transforming
the disorganized, in-fighting, closed-off board that hed joined into an efficient, cooperative, and open group. As a result, they were making better decisions, receiving more public support, and able to do more good work for
the community they served. But now Jacob was ready for a new challenge.
He felt satisfied the board would be able to continue on its positive path
without him.

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Harriet disagreed. Jacobs energy, passion, and enthusiasm had been

crucial in bringing about numerous positive changes on the board, in the
schools, and in the community. She wanted Jacob to run for a third term,
but how could she accomplish that? Having worked with him for both his
terms, Harriet had heard plenty about Jacobs values. She knew he valued
efficiency, because shed heard him comment in their board meetings that
Inefficient systems are shamefully wasteful, and We need to make better
use out of the resources available to us. She knew from watching him and
talking with him that he found pleasure in designing and tweaking systems,
and had heard him speak of the importance of a design matching its intent.
She knew he valued his own learning process, because he had told her years
ago that he joined the board in order to learn how boards go about their
work. And she knew that he valued making a difference because, on more
than one occasion, he had simply told her so. Above all, she knew, he valued
the conditions that create big opportunities. At several board meetings, hed
used the broken field of football as a metaphor for opportunity. In football,
eleven players per side face off in an orderly manner. The play begins, the
players scatter, and where everything was orderly before the play, now
chaos covers the field. The gaps, he would say, are opportunities for big
plays. Jacob loved turbulence and turmoil, because they indicated a broken
field. Looking at that broken field, Jacob saw not disorder, but possibility.
Harriet suspected that Jacob had lost interest in serving on the school
board because the gaps were no longer obvious to him. The board was working well together. The community was more involved, giving more input.
They now had systems in place for decision making, for collecting data, for
interacting with each other and the surrounding community. It wasnt a
broken field. There were no gaps, no opportunities for him to fulfill his
values.
It was with this insight into his values that Harriet approached Jacob.
Harriet asked if he had yet recognized the biggest problem still facing the
school board. Jacob was naturally puzzled, as he believed that he had fulfilled his mandate. Not so, Harriet explained. Theres no recruitment process in place, so the board is only one election away from having all our hard
work fall apart. If only we had a way to identify the right people and get
them to run for open positions, what a difference that would make for this
community. She reminded him of a neighboring community with three
open seats that wound up in chaos when they were filled by unqualified
people who had run uncontested. What a shame we never got this handled

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while we had you. Suddenly, Jacob could see a broken field, an opportunity
to make a big difference by designing an efficient system that required him
to learn about something new. Click.
Obviously, clicking is not always this straightforward. An individual can
have competing values. In fact, most people in our culture have been
brought up this way, and it causes a great deal of confusion. We are taught
to love thy neighbor as thyself. We are also taught that its a dog eat dog
world, and you have to look out for number one. How do you make sense
out of that? You cant. But you can acknowledge the conflict of it. Oftentimes, these conflicts persist because they remain unconscious and unexamined. If you notice that someone is torn between competing values, you
can click with her by bringing this to the surface when you talk with her, exploring the values and their definitions and then talking about what matters
most. Prioritizing values helps people resolve these conflicts and think more
clearly.
Take Pete, for example. He values his time with his family, yet he also
values a good days hard work. Many are the nights he spends working late,
and the side effect is no time with his family. The result is that he feels conflicted most of the time. If you want to click with Pete, talk with him about
this conflict. I know you love your family. It must be difficult for you to be
here working so late and missing out on the time with them. Pete will recognize that you are speaking to some important aspect of his life and will
click with you because of this. It will likely get him talking, and your ability
to listen and draw him out will become a benefit of his knowing you.
Where competing values are at play, youll see the telltale signs: people
or groups sending mixed messages, or unable to make decisions, or consequences of actions upholding one value adversely impacting on another
value. Consider the person who values his health but doesnt take the time
to exercise because of a competing value such as a priority on down time. Or
perhaps thriftiness, which prevents him from shelling out for a gym membership. Notice conflicts like these and engage with people around them,
and you create an opportunity to connect with them that is both meaningful
and helpful.
The value of recognizing values and values conflicts is that you can talk
with people about things that matter to them on a very deep level. And in
talking about them, you may even discover something about your own values in the process. You may find there are many values that you share, and
that you can share. This is how strong relationships are built. This is how

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people gain confidence in one another. This is how people help each other to
honor the important values in their lives.

Know What You Value

Knowing your own values helps you to notice them in others. And because
most people find value in people who are living their values, being able to
state yours and act on yours with confidence, clarity, and authority increases your inherent clickabilityas well as improves your skill at clicking
with someone else.
Begin by asking yourself: What matters most to me in my life? What do I
think is important enough to find time to bring to fruition?
Most people working up a list like this will find they have between five
and ten core values. Only you can say what your values are, but to stimulate
your thinking, here are some common values:

Family, honesty, fun, God, learning, adventure, organization,

spirit, leadership, laughter, teamwork, integrity, love,
creativity, service, joy, children, money, romance,
effectiveness, happiness, health, freedom.

Many or even most of those might appeal to you, but you have to identify
which are at the top of the heap.
Check your behavior as well as your thoughts. Sure, you might say, I
value health highly. But maybe not so much if youre dining at the Golden
Arches every day and havent broken a sweat in ages. Your strongest values
are the ones you are most likely to be demonstrably living by.

When Values Conflict

You may disagree with someone on many particulars yet still share values.
Focusing on what divides you can prevent a click; working from what unites
you can provide one. I walked this line with a potential client who was
claiming that Republicans were far superior to Democrats because We

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think that limited government is important, but Democrats want government to act as a Big Brother in charge of everything! A clear values statement, I suppose. But this kind of political pigeonholing violates my own
value of transpartisanship and bipartisan relations. I happen to agree with
the idea of limits on government, however. So while I was tempted to go
three rounds with him about the importance of working together and the
problems of declaring oneself to be better than someone else, instead I said,
Yes, I agree, its important that the size of government be limited. I chose
not to break the value down to the details where we might disagree, and
paid attention to the value he and I shared. There was no point in doing
otherwise.

When you generalize largely enough, everybody is the same. But if

you take in enough details, everyone is different. The goal is to find
the common ground. Find values that you can sharenot to give your
opinion of what should matter most. Build your connection around
what matters most to the other person.

Authentic Sharing vs. Manipulation

All communication is manipulative. The only reason we ever communicate
is to manipulate our environment in some waywe communicate to get
something to happen. Its why we learn to communicate in the first place: As
infants, we cry (communicate) to get a drink, or a clean diaper, or some time
to sleep. Nothing much nefarious about that. But somewhere between fussing until were picked up and reading this book, most of us have come to attach negative meaning to the concept of manipulation. Its really a neutral
word. Manipulation is negative when it is employed to get people to act
against their own interests. Yet that isnt what most communication is. Being good at it, as in the strategies offered in this book, simply means you are
skillful. The best communicators are both skillful and authentic.
It isnt always easy to remember that in a world where too many politicians, civic leaders, and religious authorities have claimed to share your values and then acted against your interests. Pardon my cynicism, but when I
hear most politicians tell me they share my values, my gut reaction is, I

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dont like what youre doing with them. Give them back! People in all walks
of life who have no ethical sensibility, who do not value honesty, integrity,
sincerity, and authenticity, wont hesitate to use every known idea about
what works in communication, every skill that makes positive relationships
possible, for their own selfish interests and to their own negative ends. And
theres nothing you can do about what such people choose to do with the
skills and tools available to everyone.
The good news is that you have a built-in protective mechanism against
this kind of manipulation: You can think for yourself.

Positive Projection
Even if you cant find any shared values, you can still click with someone by
talking as if the shared values are there. This is called positive projection
and it works because it lets people know that you recognize and appreciate
their values. Even when their actions seem to indicate that they dont appreciate the values they claim. You can still tell an inconsiderate manager that
you know they understand and value respect, or tell an unhelpful customer
service rep that you know he can understand the importance of good service. Say, I know you are an intelligent person, as capable of solving the
problem as identifying it or Ive seen you do this before, and I know you
can do it here. Talk about it as if it is perfectly normal for him to do the
kind of thing you are asking him to do. On the flip side, you can call out a
negative, but say, Its not like you to lash out (or, act rashly, or choose unfairly, or gossip . . . ).
When you do, you may well see the persons behavior shift. When you
project a positive value on someone behaving badly, you shift her perception
of herself, and chances are she will begin to behave in a way that makes that
projection true. Most people rise or fall to the level of your expectations.
Furthermore, unfulfilled values or inner conflicts often lead people to
negative and counterproductive emotions like explosive anger, chronic frustration, and quiet despair. Reinforce their better natures in these ways, and
as they find their way back to alignment with their own values, they may be
able to leave the bad behavior behind.

When Values Differ, Blend with Something Else

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When you have completely different values from people with whom youd
still like to have a click, be true to your values and blend with something
else. It is almost always possible to find some context for resonance. Youll
only find it impossible to click if your attention is solely on the differences
that divide you from someone else. Once you are on common ground, you
can find more meaningful areas of common interest. In this way, you can
click with just about anyone.

Youll find it impossible to click if your attention is solely on

the differences that divide you from someone else.

A limo driver in Connecticut asked me some questions as we drove to my

hotel. What are you here for? I told him, To give a speech. What
about? he inquired. How to Get People to Get You, I told him. He practically swerved off the road, as he turned around and asked me, point blank,
How do you do that!? I told him that I knew he valued my safety (positive
projection), and that he knew my safety was in his hands. Then I told him
Id be happy to tell him the answer to his question if he promised to keep his
eyes on the road while I talked. He promised, and kept his promise. Here is
what I told him.
I can see by that picture of your family on your dashboard that you love
your family. And though you cant see a picture of my family, I have one
with me. So you and I both value our families. And I can tell by your question that you value learning, as do I. So even though youre in the front seat
and Im in the backseat, we are both in the same car, and we have a lot
in common. How do you get people to get you? Start with what you have in
common.
When we, as people, stand apart and emphasize our differences, no
solution to our problems is possible, because nobody cooperates with anybody who seems to be against them. But when we find a way to stand together on some common ground, we can resolve any differences that face
us, overcome any challenge that threatens us. This is what it takes for you to
get me, and for me to get you. Get it?

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He got it. He recognized the value in what I was saying, and I could almost hear the click.

Chapter 7
Clicking Electronically
In todays world, communication and connection are possible anytime, anywhere via phone, e-mail, and social networking. With so many tools for
making contact and maintaining it, you might expect that it would lead to
better clicking. And, in fact, it can. But these tools are sometimes just a poor
substitute for real connection and genuine relationship. Used carelessly,
they may block connections from going through, or even break them. Used
wisely, however, they can open doors. And keep them open. There is no substitute for face-to-face interaction, but technology can create opportunities
for connection that would be impossible if we were limited to communicating in person. Just remember, while a phone or computer can facilitate a
connection, you are the only one who can make the click!

Click via Phone

I have three words to describe your biggest challenge on the phone:
Shortened attention span. It is now possible to start, build, or ruin a relationship faster than ever. Multitasking has become a lifestyle for most
people, if not everyone. E-mails arrive in a never-ending drip-drip-drip.
Landlines and cell phones keep ringing. The result is that we are constantly
shifting our attention with restless disinterest and following one thing only
until something else comes along demanding whats left of our fractured
attention.
The other hurdle you have to contend with when using the phone is that
you have no visual cues. Unless youre using an Internet-based system with
a camera for your calls, you wont be able to pick up on the subtle visual indicators that could help you make sense of what youre hearing, and that
could help the person on the other end of the call make sense of what youre
saying. Thats problematic, because some people dont even know youre
listening to them unless they can see you nod your head while they talk.

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8 Keys to Clicking over the Phone

A phone conversation is a series of moments in which impressions are
formed and decisions made. Each moment either simplifies or complicates
the next momentdepending on how you handle yourself. To prevent misunderstanding and reduce conflict, its important to maintain the basic click
through frequent blending.
When building connection over the phone, you have eight key tools in
your toolbox, most of which involve a form of blending. Over the phone,
these tools take on even more importance and have an even greater impact
than they do in person.
Its not necessary to do all of the following things in every conversation
with every person. As in all matters of communication, a little bit goes a
long way. You improve your chances of getting a click when you choose
some aspect of the way the person you are talking with sounds and give back
in the same way as you get.
1. Make sure the timing is right.
Make sure your call works as well for the person on the other end of the call
as it does for you. Address the issue before bad timing becomes a barrier to
clicking with a simple question: Is this a good time to talk, or would you
prefer I call back at another time? (This is a good idea even when you are
calling at a preappointed time.)
2. Use the persons name to hold her attention.
A persons name is a handle on her attention, and using it with greater frequency will help you to maintain the connection. This is a good way to
counter peoples tendency to multitask while on a call. Definitely deploy it if
you are frequently asked to repeat yourselfone sign that the person you
are talking to is distracted.
3. Match voice volume.
Youll find it easier to get and maintain a click if you talk at a similar volume
as the person on the other end of the call.
4. Reconcile talking speed.
Speak at a similar pace as the person on the other end of the call. Fast talkers may get frustrated with slow talkers, and slow talkers may feel insulted

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or untrusting with fast talkers. Adopt a speed theyll be comfortable with:

their own.
5. Conform your speaking rhythm to your partners.
Some people speak in flowing sentences, one idea leading naturally to the
next; others speak with gaps and hesitation. Listen for, and match, the pattern of the person you are talking to.
6. Match energy.
If a person has a subdued energy in his voice, dial yours down. Be softspoken and speak slowly. And when a person has a lot of energy, amp yours
up!
If the person sounds down, taking your mood down a notch or two may
improve her mood. If a person sounds happy, or is laughing, a similar signal
from you creates the click.
7. Level vocal variety.
Use a similar variety of tones and youll find it easier to get and maintain a
click. Some people speak in a monotone or a narrowed range that leaves out
the highs and lows. Some talk in a consistently high voice tone, while others
in a consistently low voice tone. Some people practically sing their words.
Pay attention to your tonal variety so you can use it to speak to people in familiar tones. A simple exercise to do this is to take a single sentence and repeat it with a different emphasis each time. For example, The rain in Spain
falls mainly on the plain. Then, The rain in Spain falls mainly on the
plain. Then, The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain. Any sentence will
do. In this way, you may be able to hear the effect of vocal variety and use it
to great effect with others.
8. Keep sentence length and word choices similar.
Talk using a similar sentence length and a similar complexity of word
choice, and youll find it easier to get and maintain a click. Listen forand
matchvocabulary level and variety, and use of jargon or colloquialisms or
technical language (or lack thereof).

4 Ways to Click During a Phone Interview

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I do phone interviews all the time. In my case, the conversations are with
meeting-planners interested in hiring me for a speaking or training job, with
potential clients determining if Im the right coach for them, and with radio
and television producers either curious to know if Im right for their shows
or hosts interviewing me on the show. The interview is a pivotal moment, a
limited opportunity to make an important connection that can really impact
your life. Here are a few things you can do to increase your chances for
clicking during a phone interview.
1. Use a landline.
In a cell phone world, this small detail can still make a difference. The last
thing you need is for your call to get dropped, or disrupted by static. If you
dont have one of your own, find someone who does and ask if you can use
her space for your conversation. Friends typically say yes to this kind of request. There are business centers in many cities, even in airports, where you
can use a landline for a very small charge. Trust me, its worth every penny.
2. Be prepared.
Before you even answer (or dial) the phone, get your head in the game by
thinking about what you know and dont know about the organization.
Come up with at least three to five talking points you want to make to create
the right impression. These talking points should be brief statements that
you want to introduce into the mind of the interviewerand make sure to
practice them in advance. If you are asked a question that you cant answer,
youll at least be able to make one of these points and keep the interview on
track. A word of advice: Make sure those points are about what you have to
offer, not what you need.
The other half of being prepared is to create a zone around you that can
keep out all potential interruptions. Have whatever you might need (water,
notepad, calendar . . . ) within reach.
3. Hold the focus.
No multitasking allowed! Holding a singular focus on the task at hand sends
a powerful signal that you consider the call to be of the utmost importance.
Be respectful about your interviewers time.
If the call comes unexpectedly, ask for a moment to get yourself together.
You can say that the call is important to you, and you need to go to another

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room so you wont be distracted. If you keep the delay to a minimum, you
will actually sound better than if you just started the interview right after
answering the phone.
If youre taking notes while the interviewer is talking, make sure to tell
the interviewer, so he doesnt wonder about any silence on your end of the
line. That message may also come across as a statement of commitment,
and thus works in your favor.
4. Listen and blend.
Remember to apply connected listening to whatever is said. Dont wait to be
told what something means. Actively ask questions about any information
offered to you to find out whatever details you can.
If the interviewer doesnt respond after youve answered a question, turn
the question around. If youve been asked what makes you the right candidate for the job, and your answer is greeted with silence, ask What qualities
do you hope to find that make someone right for this position?
Take your cues from the interviewer and then use some of the eight
blending methods described earlier in this chapter. If your interviewer
makes small talk, follow her lead and speak to her need by adjusting your
style. Likewise, if she is strictly business, you should be too. Match energy,
mood, and all the rest.

Click Using E-mail

E-mail can be used to get a basic click with someone or to set the stage for
clicking the old-fashioned way. E-mail can also support a deeper click established in person and maintained over time, but its next to impossible to create a deep or lasting click with e-mail alone. Im not saying it cant ever be
done, but the elements of time, space, and words just dont add up to much
of a connection, no matter how good the intentions are. Use this tool the
wrong way and you risk losing a chance to click again. You do need to know
how to communicate powerfully in writing via e-mail, but you also need to
know when to take your relationship offline and make time for a personal
click.
E-mail is a powerful way to attend to specific kinds of messages. For
example, e-mail can get the ball rolling when you want to make contact with
someone you dont know. (Just be sure to do it in a way that inclines him to
want to know you!) You can use it for scheduling by sending calendar items

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to either be accepted or declined. You can use e-mail for setting the table for
meetings, by providing background or need-to-know information ahead of
time. You can use e-mail for the exchange of ideas, to work through details
and keep a running log. E-mail can help you keep in touch after an in-person click has been established, and in established relationships where inperson contact isnt always feasible. For everything else, there are likely to
be better ways to make a connection.

The Challenges of E-mail

We face three main challenges with e-mail when our goal is to build, or at
least not undermine, relationships.
The first is the sheer volume of e-mail we receive (and send), which
makes it a huge challenge for anyone trying to get anything done. The ease
with which we can compose and send an e-mail has led to difficulty in managing the flow of it, and warmth and friendliness often take a backseat to the
business at hand. Unless its in a message between friends or associates who
have a friendly relationship, people just dont have much time or tolerance
for off-topic questions like, How are you, whats new? that might get a moment in the spotlight in person or over the phone.
The ease of sending an e-mail creates the second challenge too: The ability to respond in haste, or to copy and paste with little effort, introduces the
peril of sending off a message before you have a chance to think better of it.
Hit Reply, say whats on your mind, press Send, and suddenly there is no
going back.
Finally, because e-mail is text-based, it lacks the vocal and facial cues
and the emotional texture, that illuminate what words mean when we use
them in speaking to one another in person. So it can be difficult to accurately interpret what you read when you get a message. It can be hard to tell
if someone is being friendly or demanding, feeling frustrated or angry, joking or just being direct. Furthermore, your mood is likely to dictate your response to a message. Whatever the writers meaning, it can be twisted because the reader is having a bad day, or is distracted, or experiences a blood
sugar drop. Or any of a hundred other negative influences. And if someone
is in a sorry state while composing a message, he may actually pass it along
with his message.

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Emoting over E-mail

Cornell professor of communication Jeff Hancock recently published
a study demonstrating how peoples moods show through in the messages they send via e-mail, and instant and text messaging. People
who were sad, anxious, or frustrated while composing their thoughts
sent fewer, shorter messages, and used more words related to those
emotions (annoyed, disappointed, and so on). They expressed less
encouragement and less agreement. And their feelings came through
loud and clearso much so, in fact, that they were contagiousthe
receivers tended to begin to feel the same way.

8 Ways to Make E-mail Messages Work

E-mail isnt the best form of communication for every purpose, but it certainly has its place. Much of what works to click in person also works to click
electronically, even when you have only the words to rely on. But you have
to take its limitations into account and you have to use it wisely. The exception is with close friends and family members, who wont much care how
you say what you say, because they already know and love you, and love
hearing from you. With everyone else, heed these suggestions to build better
connections.
1. Be polite.
This is the first rule of all written correspondence, not just e-mail. My mom
used to say that you get more flies with honey than with vinegar. And
though theres so little time for social pleasantries these days, the best emails contain some basic socially friendly features. A pleasant introduction (
just like you would have in a real letter) like Dear _______, sets a positive first impression. Lines of positive thought can be a plus, since they signal
your friendly intentions, like, Hello, or I hope all is well in your world.
Equally, end a message with some more general pleasantries, such as
Thank you for your time. Sincerely, _______ or I look forward to your
reply. Best wishes, to leave a positive impression behind.
2. Use the subject line.

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The subject line tells people what they are getting into before they get into it.
A blank subject line says that what you have to say must not be very important. A lost subject, which is what happens when you leave out the subject, or
it gets moved out of the way when forwarding takes place a few too many
times (Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: What?) tells your recipient that the email isnt personal. Instead, give a short descriptive subject line to get attention for your message.
When an e-mail conversation begins, the subject line states what its
about. But in the back and forth of e-mail, the topic may evolve (or devolve)
into something else entirely. Let this go on too long, and the purpose of responding to you may no longer be obvious to your recipient. Keeping the
subject line up to date with the content of the conversation will help you create a more consistent connection.
3. Keep it brief.
Respect the other persons time and effort by keeping it short and simple,
making your point obvious, and asking for what you want. Thats good for
your recipient, so its good for your relationship with the recipient. When a
person opens an e-mail, it is just one of many, another thing to respond to,
not something to spend time with. Thats why e-mail is great for brief interactions. The longer the e-mail, the less attention it is likely to receiveand
the less likely to is to produce a click.
4. Frame your message.
E-mails are single-shot opportunities to make your point, ask your question,
or produce a result. To do that, you need to carefully frame your written
communication so that your recipient can zero in on exactly what you have
to say or want to have happen.
There are three steps to delivering a simple, direct, and effective
message:
Give your recipient a reason to keep reading. Right up front, state your
intention. The reason Im sending this to you is to give you information to
prepare for our next meeting, or Im writing to give you an update on our
last conversation. This opening line sets the table for all that follows.

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Give your recipient a call for action. Here, you tell her what you want
her to do as a result of reading what follows. Id like to hear back from you
regarding how this information impacts our plan, or Please share what I
am about to tell you with the rest of your team, so we are all on the same
page, or Im eager to get your recommendations based on this information. There are times when no response or action is required. In that case,
tell him. A simple way to indicate this is to open your message with an FYI
(for your information), as in, FYI, heres a summary of our recent phone
call. I hope you find it helpful.
Third, and finally: Give your recipient the information, keeping it clear
and concise.
5. Put out any flames.
Emotional language in an e-mail can be risky. If youre having strong feelings while writing an e-mail, or even while youre reading an e-mail, your
message is likely to trigger unintended consequences. Thats an e-mail
flame, and its lit by any message that triggers an emotional reaction. The
problem with flames is they spread. You send a flame, you get one back, and
before you know it, your entire relationship is ablaze in misunderstanding.
Make time your ally. Theres no good reason to respond immediately
when youre having a negative reaction. Wait until youve clarified your
message and managed your emotions before you respond, finding a positive
frame of reference to build up the relationship instead of tearing it down.
Never, ever reply to an e-mail impulsively. Take some time to collect your
thoughts before putting them into sensible (and send-able) writing.
6. Only send to groups with permission.
Think twice before sending a group e-mail. Impersonal e-mails are easily
disregarded (and discarded) by the recipient. Unwanted e-mail is even
worse; it not only clogs in-boxes, but also downgrades the value of all email.
7. When sending to groups, keep addresses private.
Protect the privacy of all your e-mail contacts by hiding everyones e-mail
address when you are sending a message to long lists of multiple recipients.
In most systems, this is simply a matter of putting e-mail addresses in the

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bcc: field when sending to a list. (Good netiquette requires stripping addresses out of the body of an e-mail as well.) Omitting this basic sign of respect for someones privacy shows a degree of disconnect between your actions and their possible consequences, and could block a potential click.
The only time everyones addresses may be appropriate in a group e-mail
is when the group is a team working together on a specific project, where
each member needs to be in on what every member is saying to other
members.
8. Watch the funny stuff.
A little kidding goes a long way. Thats if the other person gets the joke. Unless you already know your recipients sense of humor, youre probably better off avoiding jokes altogether. Always think carefully before you send
along any of the plethora of online opportunities for funhumorous lists,
zany video clips, funny pictures. Its a dicey proposition to send these things
to people who havent asked for them. Each fluff message you send can dilute the value to your recipient of other messages you send, so when in
doubt, leave it out.

How to Click Using Social Networks

Love them or hate them, social networks are here to stay. They allow us to
begin relationships with people we otherwise might never meet, and make
public connections that otherwise would remain invisible. Moreover, they
permit us to reconnect across time and space, giving families and communities a common meeting place, and potential business partners a chance
to find and cement business relationships.
Social networks are the new tribes. Belonging is a matter of registering
and creating a profile or a page, and making or finding friends or
followers.
Whether its Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Plaxo, or Ning, or one of the
thousands of other networks organized around a single activity or industry,
social networks make it possible to connect over time and space, and to
make new connections in far less time than ever before.
It used to be that if you wanted to know about a book or a movie, you
would ask around until you found someone with an opinion. Nowadays,
opinions are everywhere, and people love to share them. Thanks to social
networks, you can easily find people to discuss a favorite TV show, share

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photos of your recent trip through the Amazon rain forest, or watch videos
of your kids school play. You can put the most personal parts of your life
out on networks for everyone to see. You can learn from the brightest
minds. And you can witness the witlessness of foolish peoples private lives.

All Networks Serve to Help People Click

The purpose of networks is to bring people together, but not all networks accomplish this in the same way. Every network has a distinct purpose. While
some are designed for matchmaking or music sharing, or customer support,
others are designed to maintain social connections with friends, and build
relationships. Networks like LinkedIn, Facebook, and MySpace build
strength on expansion. In our far-flung society, where people are constantly
on the move, online networking makes keeping in touch as simple as the
click of a mouse. But if you prefer keeping your connections close, it is likely
that there is a local network in your area. In my area, the local newspaper
provides just such a network. Or you can just start a local group on a larger
network, like Ning.com. These kinds of social networks leverage the power
of the whole network for word-of-mouth advertising, so they are great for
political candidates, artist branding, and event promotion.
Its the nature of these networks to grow. If you have ten friends, and
each of your friends has ten friends, it doesnt take long to have a personal
network of thousands of people who are potential business partners, sources
of local information, and resources when you need them. Though the networks may be separate from each other now, the borders between them are
quickly coming down. One day, instead of searching through pages, youll be
able to search for people that meet your criteria. When you have something
to sell, youll post an ad and people looking for that type of item will be told
about it automatically from across all the networks.
But were not there yet. There are still a few technical and personal barriers to deal with. Chief among the personal obstacles is that social networking, while more time-efficient than the in-person variety, does require an investment of time, and most people are pressed for time. Some people try it
out and then leave it when the novelty wears off. Those who find it worthwhile to stay with it eventually learn to build it into their daily routine, and
allow it only so much time. Another problem is that getting to know people
online doesnt always give you the same real life knowledge that personal

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contact does. Without vocal cues, our online experience is shaped by words
and pictures, all of which can be manipulated to create false fronts and potentially open us up to yet more unsolicited messages. To compensate, networkers learn a developing code for their words-only communication. Bad
behavior gets tagged, and those who engage in it are isolated, un-followed,
and locked out of participation. Get labeled a spammer (someone who sends
unsolicited commercial messages) or a splogger (someone who posts specious blog posts and comments just to create links to commercial endeavors) and you wind up alone, despised, and maybe even having your access taken away.

The Online Democracy

Online social networks democratize relationships. To a certain extent, it no
longer matters what position you hold in a company, how old you are, what
you look like, or how cool you are. People online are less likely to judge you
on external characteristics than if they met you face-to-face. In a way, you
are who you say you are. People put themselves out to the network either as
they see themselves, or, perhaps more importantly, as they wish to be seen.
Its not uncommon for people to use fake degrees, for example, or to inflate
their rsum to make something weak look stronger, or simply to describe
themselves as older than they are, or younger, or more competent. So it
helps if others will back you up on your claims through referrals and
testimonials.
In an online social network, people you would otherwise never meet or
whom you wouldnt necessarily want to spend time with in real life, can become valuable additions to your network, increasing your apparent popularity because of the network of connections they bring. When I comment on
my associate Kares post, for example, it becomes visible to my followers
and connections, who may then comment on her post as well. My comment
becomes an introduction to Kare to people who otherwise might never meet
her.
With so many strangers having access to you, could a few rotten apples
spoil the whole barrel? Not really. Its easy enough to remove people, un-follow them, block their e-mails, and mute their presence. People only stay in
your network if you agree to have them there.

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Some networks, such as LinkedIn and Plaxo, are designed specifically to

facilitate business. In this case, every connection you open yourself up to increases the number of potential business partners and service providers
available to you, while making your products and services available to more
and more people. If you accept a connection to someone you dont know,
there may be no immediate advantage, but it could happen that someone
will find out about you by clicking through someone she knows quite well.
Ive gotten business requests this way, and its always a delightful surprise.
Your value to the network is related to the value of your network. Think
about it! Your network is valuable to the extent that it contains a whole host
of people with a variety of skills, resources, contacts, ideas, and opportunities. Add that value together, and its a small community of people capable of
great things. While chances are that they are not all working on the same
things, each person in turn has something to offer to other communities.
The more people you bring through your own connections, the greater your
worth to the larger network.

Your value to the network is related to

the value of your network.

Connecting with people you dont know who are connected to people you
do know requires a careful dance. If you ask to be added as a friend without
an introduction, the person seeking quality in his network is likely to decline. If you ask for someones business merely because he is on the same
network as you, the odds are good that your offer will be declined. Just because someone puts her life online in a social network does not mean she is
inclined to respond positively to whatever comes her way via the Internet.
So, offline or on, you need to build a relationship before you can do
much with it. And online as well as off-, this starts with a click. In the most
basic ways, relationships are developed online much as they are offline. Jeff
Hancock, the communications professor at Cornell, demonstrated this in a
study where participants who didnt know one another were paired up and
instructed to get their partners to like themthrough a brief IM

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conversation. One group of participants had access to their partners Facebook profile while the other was flying/typing blind.
Who do you think did better? Those who could use tidbits picked up on
Facebook to ask questions and mention information that aligned with the
other persons interests. We like people who are like us. And we know itso
in getting someone to like us, its a card we play quite naturally. In fact, the
more the participants used those kinds of questions, and the more they
dropped in pertinent information, the more their partners liked them.
Lets say that I know Chris, and Chris knows Dave, and Dave knows Alison. Alison is a graphic designer, and I have a marketing piece that needs
help. Because each of them has made their network visible, it would appear
that I can bypass Chris and Dave entirely, and go directly to Alison. Next
thing you know, Im sending a message to Alison across the social network.
Its the equivalent of a cold call. Hello Alison, I see that you know Dave,
who is friends with my friend Chris. I also see that youre a graphic designer.
Ive looked at some of your work, and I wonder if you would consider helping me with a marketing piece? Chances are that such an approach will
produce the same kind of result as you would get in the offline world: Some
will respond positively; some wont. Alison may be intrigued, or looking for
work. Or, she might be busy, and have no time for a stranger. In that case,
youd be wise to adopt the stance of okay, so what, and either find someone
else who might be interested or do what you could have done in the first
place: ask Chris to introduce you to Dave, then ask Dave to introduce you to
Alison.
However, you might be able to increase your chances of success while
cutting out the contacts in between if you use the other persons profile to
help you structure an ethical bribe to get some attention. An ethical bribe
is an incentive technique that is common online and offline too. When
Amazon offers you free shipping, thats a bribe to take action. When the
family at the farmers market offers you a goat cheese sample, thats a bribe
to consider buying more of it. Simply, its giving people an incentive to take
some kind of action. And for our purposes, that action is to respond to your
request for contact.
Ideally, what you offer doesnt cost you much, or anything, but has value
to the person whose contact you desire. This could be as simple as a link, or
an interview request. Several people I know who do radio shows tell me they
started out wanting to meet people they admired. Asking for an interview

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almost always got them a yes. That interview offer was an ethical bribe, because the people they admired were interested in the publicity.
You might offer to support a cause cherished by your potential contact in
exchange for some of his time, or promote a project that he values. You can
often find such information by reading the profile posted by the person inside the social network. My name is Rick Kirschner, and Id like to blog
about the great work of the Open Space group you mentioned. Can we set up
a phone call to discuss that work, along with some of my ideas for how we
can work together going forward? You can read my profile and learn more
about me at this link. Interested? Please reply. For the price of perhaps just
providing a little time or information, you can offer to do something that
matters to the person and potentially interest her in something that matters
to you.
On the other hand, you may notice that the person shares some of your
values, and put them forward as the common ground on which to explore
whether working together would be a good fit. I worked on so-and-sos
campaign in the last election, and enjoyed the chance to inform people
about the healthcare issue and how it affects all of us. If youre of a like mind
about this issue, would you be interested in talking about the possibility of
doing some work together? or Im active in the conservation movement,
and Im working on a marketing piece aimed at educating people about that
cause. If this is something that also interests you, would you be willing to
talk with me about it?

Increase Your Chances of Connecting

Along with adding someone as a friend, or posting your own goings-on, you
can enhance your online clickability in the following ways:
Ask for a recommendation.
A testimonial about you from anyone other than you says more about you
than anything you can say about yourself. Lets say that Chris has done work
with me and holds my work in high esteem. He can post his opinion on my
page, and anyone that visits my page to check me out can see that opinion
and use it in forming her own.
Ask for a referral.

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Social networking lets you see who the people you know, know. If you want
to talk to someone who is connected to one or more of your connections,
you ask your connection to put in a good word for you, either directly or on
your profile.
Recommend someone else.
Go to the page of someone whose business you want to support, and leave a
testimonial about the work she does. Oftentimes thatll get you a little Ill
scratch your back, you scratch mine response, but even if you dont youll
be building goodwill. In my experience, people who are generous in their recommendations are abundant in the recommendations of others as well.
Make a referral.
Lets say that you know a meeting planner at a company that would benefit
from Chriss work. You can direct him to Chriss page and mention
something along the lines of Hope youre well. Thought this might be useful! This gives you a reason to stay connected with your initial contact while
helping another person in your network.
Make a new connection.
You can make direct contact with anyone that is connected to your network.
To click with strangers, follow the rules of social networking (following) so
you attract rather than put off your target. You cant click if they just ignore
you!

5 Rules for Networking on Social Networks

The social networking system has an irresistible pull for people who see its
potential. It can be tempting to jump in and try to make everything happen
at once. Resist that temptation. Its not only unnecessary, but also unwise.
Youve got to learn your way around first. Observe how others behave. Be
wise about what you do, what you say, and how you engage with people.
From the moment you begin to connect with others, your online history will
forever be a part of your online identity.
1. Dont spam your network.

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The fastest way to keep a connection from happening is to try selling your
ideas, products, or services to people who dont know you. Thats likely to be
perceived, rightly, as spam. Better to click first and then introduce your services and products later.
Case in point: You sign up with Ecademy, an international business network. Some people see that youve signed up, and they say hello. Some see
you are new to the network and offer help. Some, seeing that youre new, offer you membership in a group organized around a theme related to your
profile. All of these are opportunities for you to click.
On the other hand, some go straight to the pitch. I dont know about you,
but I dont have the time or interest to hear someone pitching her business
to me if I dont know her first. All business is about relationships first, and
that means getting a click before making a pitch.
2. Dont be a stranger.
Learn something before saying something. Tell people how you found them,
or find out how they found you. Make the connection interesting. Avoid using generic introductions such as, Hi, I found you and thought your rsum
was interesting. Strangers talk in such big generalizations. Friends are
more personal, and able to be more specific because of the values, motivations, or background they share. Find something personal around which to
connect. Everything you need to know is in the persons profile.
Consider the examples of two people who made contact with me through
a business network I joined. Each person was interested in doing business,
but one introduction was intriguing while the other was off-putting:
Hello Rick:
I am interested in networking with you. Im in the business of setting
up people with Nevada corporations to run their new businesses
while achieving the utmost in tax savings. I offer them several of my
vendors services to continue growing their business.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Best regards, Sandy
And:

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Hi Rick,
My tax consulting business works with many companies going
through change. I read several of your blog posts, and now Im curious to know more about your opinion on what it takes to make positive change. I guess what Im asking is, whats your business the Art
of Change all about for you?
Warm Regards,
Nadia
When I received Sandys message, her offer had nothing to do with me or
my business, and I had no interest in responding. When I received Nadias
message, I was intrigued. There was no sales pitch, just a curiosity to know
more. That was an opening, the beginning of a conversation. Only after we
had exchanged a few messages inside the social network did Nadia raise the
subject of her business and how it might benefit me. At that point, it didnt
bother me. In fact, I felt she had my genuine interests in mind. Many people
like to talk about themselves and the things they care about, and if you ask
them to do so, you will build a connection.
Be warned, however. If youre not really interested, your outreach wont
have the same effect. Nobody likes being used or deceived. People helping
people is what business is all about, and most people understand that when
youre in business, youre trying to grow it whenever opportunity presents
itself. Only in a caring and connected communication can the real opportunity become obvious.
3. You get out what you put in.
The more you maintain an online presence, the more likely you are to gain
recognition and make connections with valuable allies and friends.
One of the best networkers and collaborative business people I know is
Kare Anderson, of the Say It Better Center in San Francisco. Kare regularly
posts resources, stories, and suggestions on her LinkedIn and Facebook
pages. She participates. She has made herself a valuable online resource,
and when people log in to check their personal pages, my guess is that more
than a few check into Kares pages shortly thereafter.
4. Instead of asking for something, offer something.

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And Im not talking about a free sample, either. Tell the network what you
bring to it, whether it is knowledge, ability, or connections. Post it in your
profile. Write an article about it. In this way, you can make what is valuable
about you to your own network available to the larger network.
5. Take it slow.
Online networks take time. Rushing into connections and demanding instant gratification is annoying and adds pressure to an already pressurecooked world. Electronic communication happens at the speed of electrons,
but human beings dont move quite so fast when it comes to relationshipbuilding. Think of time as an ally. Take as much of it as you need to build a
real connection before trying to get someone to click with your business or
idea.
Technology has truly created a World Wide Web, connecting us in ways unimaginable in the not-so-distant past. Careful use of the strands that link us
supports and strengthens not just the person-to-person connection, but also
the forces that keep us together. Click.

Chapter 8
Troubleshooting
Whether its a manager putting down an employee, a parent yelling at a
child, or two strangers being snarky and disagreeable over something that
changes nothing, bad behavior is the single biggest obstacle to good relationships. Ive received too many e-mails and questions to count from desperate people wanting to know what to do when trouble strikes and bad
feelings take the place of positive interactions. Take this one, for example:
Dear Dr. K,
Im having a terrible time dealing with a consultant in my office. He
loves control, threatens people with his potential anger. Hes
accusatory, self-righteous, condescending, scolding, with a soupon
of whining and guilt-tripping. Everything must be locked down according to his plan before hes willing to move forward. Theres very
little give. Hes good at the organizational side of his work, and a
real team player as long as he runs the team. He thinks hes in
charge even though hes not, but he often gets control by coming on
like the expert. Any suggestions?
George
When the click isnt happening, its time to troubleshoot. Identify whats
going on, how youre reacting to it, and whats likely to turn it around. Take
this opportunity to turn personal problems into personal relationships.

Turn personal problems into personal relationships.

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The most common conflicts that make clicking impossible fall into five
categories:
Strong opinions, where people disagree with each other and are
committed to defending their differences;
Meddling, where one person makes it her business to interfere in
the other persons business;
Gossip, where one person speaks in an unflattering way about another person and the comments get back to the person being gossiped
about;
Unconstructive criticism, where pointing out shortcomings and personal failings allows one person to feel superior to another; and
Sarcasm, where hurtful remarks get hidden behind smiles and inside seemingly innocuous statements.

Rule #1: Its Not About You

Relationships are personal, but bad behavior is not. The real trouble begins
when you take bad behavior personally.
When negative behavior is directed at you, remind yourself that it is not
about you. More often than not, it is about the other person stressing out
and lacking the resources to deal effectively with some circumstance in his
own life.
Criticism is a classic example. When someone starts pointing out your
shortcomings and highlighting them as examples of deeper failings, you can
almost always trace it back to one of two things: Either he is in a bad mood
and you happened to get in his way, or he dislikes something that you do
that he himself does and is oblivious to (like talking too much, not listening,
and the like).
Take this opportunity to learn from the other person. Listen for real concerns or for a reality check. It is imperative that you distinguish between difficult behavior and the person engaged in it. Youll be more able to find your
way to a click. With anyone.

Rule #2: Ask Yourself if It Could Be About You

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Because, lets face it, sometimes it is. As you read in Georges letter, what
you do can start a fire or fan the flames. Instead of focusing all your attention on what the other person is doing wrong, try to see what you are doing
to worsen the situation. Taking responsibility for an issue can be the most
proactive solution.
Question the assumptions youve applied to the other person and ask
yourself if theyre accurate. For example, how do you know someone loves
control? If you think someone is disrespectful, what do you base this on?
Could it mean something else? Blame is often about projection. Whats frustrating you might be something that you need to change within. Its a good
idea to observe how what youre saying, thinking, and believing about the
other person might actually be true about you.
Ask yourself what you want. This is the time to identify your desired outcome, or how you want to impact the relationship in this particular situation. Its impossible to solve a problem if you only know what you dont
want. Then consider how you want to respond to this behavior, what you
want to tell yourself about it that encourages rather than discourages you,
and what you want to feel about the person as you interact with her.
When George, who wrote me about his problems with the consultant in
his office, applied these principles, he was able to resolve his issue. He wrote
again a week later to follow up:
Dear Dr. K,
Well, the republic is saved. I had an excellent conversation with my
colleague, which resulted in part in my owning up to how I contributed to the problem in the first place, and his acknowledging the inappropriateness of his response. Alls well.
But more. Encouraged by your suggestions, I tried to see what
had upset me in this confrontation. And from that I learned a tremendous lesson about my own tendency to fix on a position and defend it. Happily, it is only situational. So thanks. I can take it from
here.
George

8 Ways to Resolve Trouble with Positions

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A position is an opinion stated as a fact. Everyone has positions, and when

someone is defending his position too strongly, it is extremely difficult to
create a click. Even when the positions are of critical importance, there are
several options that can break through the impasse and even lead to a click.
1. Acknowledge his importance.
Some people defend their positions because it makes them feel important.
Recognizing the importance of someones position, will show that you recognize his importance. I can see this matters to you greatly. I can tell
this is something you care about. Youve clearly spent a great deal of time
thinking about this. People will be much more likely to work out a problem
if they feel valued.
2. Find a way to agree.
One of the simplest ways to agree with someone is to break down a disagreement into smaller pieces. Find points where you both can agree. Narrowing
an area of disagreement has the inverse effect of increasing the areas of
agreement.
Thats exactly what one of my clients did when the board of directors she
served on was bogged down in a disagreement over whether or not to continue an official relationship with another organization. Betsy aimed to narrow the differences between the board members by making explicit the
areas of agreement, and identifying components of the disagreement not in
question. With Betsys encouragement, the board members realized they all
agreed that the other organizations work was worthyand that their own
organization needed to work efficiently in similar areas. From there, it was
much easier and less overwhelming to talk about joining forces to accomplish their goal, and work through to a joint decision.
3. Respond favorably to the fact that he is speaking up.
Even when you disagree with a stated position, you may be able to come to
agreement by acknowledging his willingness to state his case: While I disagree with what you propose, Im glad you spoke up. We need to address
this. Speak directly and with respect, and in return you will receive respect
for taking your stand. This is especially effective when someone is expressing a strong position because no one else is, and he feels obligated to make
the point. (If nobody else is going to say it, I will!)

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4. Dont back away.

To a person defending a strong position, backing off might look like a signal
of weakness. The message it sends is that either you are intimidated, which
wont win you points with anyone, or you dont have the courage of your
convictions, which undermines the value of whatever else you say. Youll do
better to simply hold your ground. This is not the time to move forward, but
you should stay where you are as you hear the other person out, and as you
respond. This conveys mutuality and commands respect.
5. Dont be pulled into an argument.
Arguments make clicking ever harder. Engaging discussion is a form of
blending that will help you click with a person who enjoys the give-and-take.
Be careful in strongly defending your own position. If you are too defensive,
you will create an impasse.
If you do feel the need to explain yourself, ask if shes interested in your
opinion. Theres something I dont think Ive expressed clearly. Will you
hear me out? Opening yourself to her opinion shows you care.
6. Buy some time.
When theres no compelling reason to respond to a strong position right
away, your best choice may be to call time out. Give the person time to reconsider or discover an error in his own thinking. More importantly, with
time, you may learn a little more before you talk about the issue again,
which will help you to have a more positive interaction.

Arguing for Arguments Sake

Some people express strong positions because they are looking for a
good argument.
Marvin is, as he describes himself, an opinionated SOB. Hes not at
all embarrassed by the fact that people cower when he gets worked
up. The few brave enough to talk back are easily shouted down. When
Marvin speaks, he speaks with certaintywhether he knows what
hes talking about or not!
Bill worked in the same office as Marvin, and their paths frequently crossed. Despite Marvins demeanor, Bill honestly saw a lot

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that he liked: Marvin said what he thought, was always and above all
very direct. He liked that he could count on Marvin for the honest
truth. Yet most of the time, their interactions were disagreements,
point and counterpoint. Bill decided the only way to get into Marvins
head was to cater to his argumentative behavior.
Marvin had been a PC user for years, knew a lot about programming, and hated anything from Apple. Bill was an Apple fan, and like
most Apple fans, couldnt understand how anyone in his right mind
could prefer a PC.
Whenever Marvin said something insulting, demeaning, or just
plain mean about Bill and his love for Macs, Bill would go back and
forth a bit, just for the sake of giving Marvin the pleasure of engaging
in battle. But Bill never set out to win, he just used this to stay in the
game.
After a couple of rounds, Bill would say, Well, maybe youre right,
time will tell. And he meant it. He figured that given time, technology would ripen and the facts would speak for themselves. From that
point on, he would refuse to say anything more about it. Until the
next time Marvin tried to start it up.
One day, Marvins kids talked him into buying an iPod. It didnt
take him long to appreciate how well it worked. Soon, he was reaching out to Bill to tell him what a great piece of technology it was and
how it had changed everything for him. Bill let him go on, just nodding and enjoying his quiet victory. When Apple came out with a new
computer, Marvin would begrudgingly say, Well, I have to admit, its
pretty cool. It had taken a little time, but Bill and Marvin developed
a new pattern of laughing, talking and enjoying an honest and direct
relationship. Click.

7. Get more information.

Assume you dont know what the opinionated person means or why his position matters to him. Just ask him to tell you more about it, not generally
but specifically. Find out everything you can about the position using your
listening skills. Find out the values that make someones position important,
then acknowledge them and talk about how you share them if you can. Find

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out his motivation for taking the position, and speak to that when you
respond.

A Fresh Set of Eyes

Eddie was driving his team crazy. Hot-headed and opinionated,
whenever he felt frustrated, he had a bad habit of snapping at anyone
who disagreed with his positions. The situation deteriorated as each
persons behavior became increasingly automatic and unproductive.
When Margy got assigned to the team, it didnt take her long to observe Eddies behavior for herself. It soon became obvious to her,
perhaps because she was new to the situation, that Eddies lashing
out was related to his backing himself into a corner with his own positions. She also noticed that her other teammates only fed his frustration by shouting back at him or shutting down around him.
The next time Eddie started to lose it during a meeting, Margy was
ready to step in. After he shouted, Youre not listening! This plan is a
major mistake, and it doesnt take into account . . . she interjected
with, Eddie, help me understand what youre saying. Maybe youre
on to something, but Im not alone in not getting it. Help me out. The
more she asked, the calmer he became. And it turned out that some
of what he said actually made a lot of sense, when he could present it
calmly. And Eddie, his brain now connected to his mouth, was receptive when Margy offered her own insights to either add to his idea or
change it for the better.
Eddie responded to the opportunity to get his position out all at
once. He was able to learn more about his own position by talking
about it to a receptive audience, and the team learned from Margys
example what they needed to do to deal with him. Click.

8. Get others involved.

When a position sounds like a personal attack, try to depersonalize it. Draw
others into the conversation. Its not uncommon for someone else to hear or
see something that youve missed. By inviting other people into the

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discussion, you increase the chances of gathering more useful information,

while diluting the possible impact of the position.

4 Ways to Handle Trouble with Criticism

If youre like most people, you hate being criticized. And, like most people,
you probably have a well developed knee-jerk reaction anytime criticism is
leveled at you, particularly when you know the person is wrong. The trouble
is, that wont help you click. Try these strategies instead:
1. Help him criticize you.
The best thing to do when someone starts to criticize you is help him. Draw
him out. Gather information. Ask him to be as specific as possible.
I know this is counterintuitive, but it works. There are only three reasons
why people criticize other people: They have legitimate feedback; theyre
having a bad day and you got in the way; or they know you hate it, and do it
to get a rise out of you.
In every case, the same approach can defuse the criticism. In the first instance, where someone has an honest message for you, asking for more allows him to be straight with you and allows you to gain useful information.
Say, for example, your boss tells you that your proposal was disorganized.
Ask for the details and thank him for the critique. Take his feedback and apply it to improve your performance on the next proposal you write.
In the second scenario, where someone is simply having a horrible day,
chances are the criticism has nothing to do with you. Asking her to talk
about her rotten moodand what caused itmay help her realize whatever
is bothering her isnt your fault. She may even apologize. If your coworker
accuses you of not really caring about her work, or your joint project, resist
the urge to defend yourself. Ask her for help in understanding her point.
Your question will demonstrate that you care. But in any similar situation,
asking for details provides a moment of reflection, and you are likely to hear
something along the lines of, Oh, its not really you. Im just having one of
those days!
Lastly, if someone is simply trying to get a rise out of you, gathering information will take all the fun out of criticizing you, and she will either stop
or find a different target to provoke. If your client says you really know how
to take the long way around even when things have been proceeding apace,

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ask, What is the long way? Whatever her answer, ask for more details, until the client realizes you just are not taking the bait and gives up. You dont
necessarily click with the person, but at least you can put an end to the criticism. And you just might set in motion a click with any witnesses impressed
with the cool way you handle the heat.
2. Say thank you.
Listen to the criticism and say, Thank you. Thank her for being honest
with you, for bringing the issue to your attention, or just thank her for
caring. Then let it go.
When you defend yourself against undeserved criticism, you make yourself look guiltier than if you had said nothing at all. Turn the tables on the
person, demonstrate civil behavior, and signal your ability to be tactful and
respectful. This ends the criticism in the moment, and has the added benefit
of making you less of a target for criticism in the long run.
3. Accept whats valid about criticism.
Sometimes, criticism is the ugly wrapping on a valuable gift. While it may be
difficult to receive that gift, it is your best option for building a relationship
and improving whatever needs fixing.
Let people know that youve heard the valid part of their criticism by
apologizing. Your apology should come from the heart and have no conditions attached. Instead of, I apologize, but I had my reasons, which turns
the apology into what sounds like an excuse, all you have to say is Im sorry
for how this affected you. You may find their reciprocal offer of forgiveness
is a doorway to connection.
I had been asked at a company-sponsored costume party to announce
the awards for best costume, worst costume, etc. Just before I went up onstage to give the awards, the VP of the company asked me to give an unannounced award for the sexiest costume, and who to give it to. I did as I
was asked, and didnt think any more about it.
Not until the end of the event, when I was confronted by an attendee
who was deeply offended. She proceeded to accuse me of callous and base
motives, and called me every name in the book. And I, of course, defended
myself, because I was just doing what Id been asked. I tried telling my side,
but shed have none of it.

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It wasnt until it was all over that it dawned on me: I should simply have
responded, Clearly I offended you. And I am deeply sorry. That wasnt my
intent. Thank you for telling me how you feel.
I sought her out at the next mornings breakfast with this new, improved
approach. I walked straight up to her and apologized. You were honest with
me about something, and I didnt hear you out. I apologize for that, and for
having offended you, too. I hope youll give me a second chance. I started to
walk away and she stopped me. Im already over it. But it means a lot to me
that you get it. Thank you. Click.
4. Ask for a retrial.
Nobody likes to hear negative opinions about themselves, but not all negative feedback needs to be taken as a sign of trouble. Theres nothing wrong in
someone making an objective assessment of your performance. In fact,
prudence can save a lot of time, money, energy, and pointlessness in relationships. Getting feedback is helpful to anyone seeking to do better.
Trouble begins when someone starts expressing negative opinions about
how you have somehow failed to measure up to some unknown or unstated
measure of perfection. A judgmental person can render an opinion of you
that youve never asked for, gavel you down if you try to argue in your own
defense, or dismiss your case before youve had a chance to make it.
Its natural to try and avoid crossing swords or crossing paths with
people who do this. Who wants to be judged or have their motives questioned and their issues ignored?
If you say nothing, you create the impression that they must be right because you have no defense. And if you defend yourself, you look guilty as
charged.
Heres a better choice: Gather up your courage, ask a few questions,
thank him for his feedback, and then ask him what it will take to change
his mind about you. Asking for a retrial changes the dynamic of the relationship. Backtrack what he says, provide him with the evidence he says he
needs to change his opinion, and the case is closed. That is the moment of
click.
Two months ago, Joan went through a personal crisis that severely distracted her from her work. She didnt tell anyone what was going on and
tried her best to stay on top of her projects, but things got away from her,
and she let a few people down, John among them. When her life settled
down, she offered apologies, but the memory of her erratic behavior

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lingered on. John accused her of not caring about her work. Joan protested,
I do so! John told Joan, straight out, what he required to believe her. Let
me see you follow through once in a while, and Ill believe you care. Joan,
realizing that the better choice wasnt to defend herself, but instead to find
out what John was missing, replied, So you need to see me follow through
once in a while? Fair enough. Tell me how often, so I know what you need
from me to change your mind. John said, How about for the next month,
you come in on time and you dont leave until youre done? And Joan said,
Done! Start counting the days, because you can count on me to be on time
and stay until Im done.
From that point on, Joan just needed to make sure that John was aware
of her arriving on time and leaving when she was done. At the end of the
month, she pointed it out to him. John, you said you would change your
mind if you saw some things. Well, youve seen them. Are we good now?
And John says, Joan, Im impressed. Its good to know I can count on you.
Click.

5 Ways to Manage Trouble with Gossip

If someone is gossiping about you, it can interfere with your ability to click
not only with the source, but also with others who are subjected to the gossip. To manage the damage, youll need to stop the behavior and build the
connection. You will create an opportunity to develop the relationship at the
same time you are nipping the problem in the bud.
1. Ask your source for details.
When someone comes to you and tells you that someone else is talking negatively about you, find out as much as you can. The more you know about
who is talking this way and whats being said, the better able you will be to
deal with it. Vague claims tell you nothing except how people feel.
2. Ask the gossip if its true she has been talking about you.
If you trust your source, go directly to the person who is talking about
youor who youve heard is talking about youfor a face-to-face discussion.
I heard that youve been saying such and such about me. Is that true? Gossip is a covert behavior and it only works when hidden away. Youre not
likely to get a confession, and you dont need one. But you will bring what

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was hidden at least partially into the light, and that will get the gossips full
attention on you and hand you an opportunity to change the dynamic in the
relationship. Keep coming back and the gossip, uncomfortable with the
light, will stop.
3. Dont let her change the subject.
Who told you that? is a gossips usual response after having been called
out. Dont be sidetracked. Restate your original question.
Actually, the question isnt who said it. The question is, is it true? Are
you saying these things about me?
Whether she is or not, shes likely to deny the accusation. But it doesnt
matter. What matters is that youre showing up and calling out the potential
problem instead of letting it fester and grow in darkness. If she denies it,
thank her for her time and apologize for taking her time. But while youve
got her attention . . .
4. Use the interaction to get to know each other better.
Its harder for someone to talk badly about you when you share some of
yourself and show an interest in her.
5. Plan for next time.
Let him know that he can talk to you. Invite him to come tell you to your
face the next time he has something he wants to say about you. Present it as
the more honorable and courageous choiceand a reflection of the kind of
person you know him to be.
Putting the kibosh on gossip leads to clickingand clicking decreases the
chances of gossiping.

6 Ways to Defuse a Meddler

When someone is interfering in your personal business, youre not likely to
have any interest in clicking with her. But what if you could stop her meddling and start clicking with her all at the same time?
1. Understand what makes her so hard to please.
Maybe she has unrealistic expectations for you, and when you dont meet
her standard of perfection or performance, she feels compelled to jump in.

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Maybe she is trying to prevent you from repeating her mistakes. And
maybeusually in factshe just has too much time on her hands. If you can
suss out the motivations behind the meddling, you may be able to address
them directly and stop the interference.
2. Dont tell him he is wrong.
You will only put him on the defensive and reinforce the urge to interfere.
3. Receive it as a gift.
When she meddles, instead of fighting it or trying to correct the behavior,
appreciate the intent behind it. Yes, I know, it is easier to say than do. But
heres the thing: Better that she should be concerned about you than to care
less about you, right? If it was a gift, what would you say? Youd say, Thank
you for caring. And thats just the right tone to click with someone who is
minding your business instead of her own.
4. Give him something to do.
If a person is determined to be involved in your work or personal life, why
deny him the pleasure of what he so obviously wants? For all intents and
purposes, you can put yourself in charge of his behavior instead of being at
the mercy of it. Since he is already interfering, give him a specific job in
which his interference is welcome. For example, tell him to watch out for
problems, or assign him the task of monitoring progress, or have him attend
to a specific detail. The idea is that if you can give him something to do, that
one thing may distract him from everything else. He feels involved, and you
gain the freedom to focus on and do the rest. Click.
5. Question your questioner.
Its hard to click with someone who is interrogating you, but theres an easy
way to turn the tables and create a click. If you find that someone has been
asking you too many questions, ask her questions about her questions. Ask
what her questions mean to her. Ask where she is going with her questions,
or whats behind them. By becoming fascinated and curious about
someones previously unwelcome curiosity, you can bring the behavior to a
stop and replace it with a click.
6. Be prepared with the answer.

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When something is predictable, you can plan for it. Have a response that allows you to successfully deflect the question without deflecting the
questioner.
Thats what Macile did when she was fed up with her aunts constant
nagging about when she was going to get married and settled down. The
next time her aunt poked her nose in, Macile replied, Im waiting until I
can find someone who loves me the way Uncle Rod loves you, and that I can
love as much as you love Uncle Rod, knowing full well that her aunt wasnt
all that happy with her hubby. Her aunt immediately changed her tune.
Listen honey, she said. Dont rush into something that isnt right for you.
Better you should be happy. That was the last time her aunt asked her
about a marriage. From that point on, the question was, Are you happy?
And Macile was happy. She didnt have to answer that other question any
more, and she and her aunt had a new understanding to share. Click.

3 Ways to Handle Sarcasm

Sarcasm requires a quick wit. For the person who appreciates a quick wit,
this can click just fine. For the person who fails to see the humor in it,
however, it becomes the anti-click.
Some people use sarcasm when they think the people around them are
taking themselves too seriously, but they may also be using the snark in
their remarks to divert attention away from things they dont want taken
seriously. Sarcasm can also be a way of taking a shot at someone, a way of
mixing humor and hostility to devalue the opinion of others. In this form, it
is an expression of aggression, and it may imply that the user is uncertain
about what he or she thinks about you. If you dig out the actual meaning
and take offense, or if what they imply turns out not to be true, they can say
you took it the wrong way.
1. Have a laugh at your own expense.
If someone is teasing you, laugh with her. If she seems to be provoking you
into an argument, say, Thats certainly one way of looking at it! If she
makes fun of something you did, say, Yeah, I guess it is kinda funny.
When the humor is harmless, treating it that way gets you the click. And if
the humor isnt harmless, it deflates the attempt to cause harm.

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2. Take it at face value.

Turn the sarcasm around by taking it at face value. Typically, the person
who uses sarcasm will detect a responsive sarcasm in this literal interpretation of his remarks. He says, I wish I could lower my IQ so we could have a
meaningful conversation. And you say, Me too. Thats got to be hard for
you. Resonance through blending. Click.
3. Playfully put it back on her.
Sometimes the best defense is a good offense. If you know its coming, giving as good as you get can give you the best click yet.
This may mean working on your material ahead of time. The simplest
approach is to look at the sarcastic person earnestly and ask Really? to
whatever she says about you. And then wait for her to answer. Repeat your
Really? refrain every time she says something sarcastic.
Years ago, one of my clients, a hairdresser, offered me free haircuts for
life. Anytime I showed up at her salon, shed move me to the head of the
line. I loved knowing that I could get a haircut quickly and easily, one permanent check on the To Do list of life.
Problem was, I never paid attention to the effect this arrangement had
on all the people sitting in the salon patiently waiting their turn when I
showed up. There was no click with them, thats for sure. Not that I noticed.
Until the day when another employee there, Lucy, spoke up as I made my
way to my clients chair: Wow, it must be nice not to have to wait your turn
like everyone else! Now I noticed. And I wanted to turn it around.
I looked Lucy in the eye and said, Really?
Yeah, I dont know who taught you your manners, but she should ask
for a refund.
And I laughed. Then repeated, Really?
Then she laughed. Out came her last not-so-veiled attempt at indicting
me for cutting in line. Youd think your mother would have thought of
that.
Really? I asked.
Yes, really.
As I made my way to my friends hair-cutting station, I said slowly and
sarcastically, Really!

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I became friends with Lucy from that day forward. Shed see me on the
street and stop to talk. Or in the salon, shed point the way. Your chair
awaits.
Click.
Dealing with the most troubling behaviors that interfere with clicking may
take some practice on your part, a little mental rehearsal to get comfortable
dealing with people in these ways. But when you do, no matter what the
negative behavior interfering with a positive relationship, youll find yourself clicking with people you never thought possible.

Chapter 9
The Click Zone
Clicking with Your Idea
Once someone gets you, the next level of clicking is to get him to get your
good ideas.
Every human invention, every bit of progress, began as an idea. Youve
probably had a few good ideas of your own over the years that were misunderstood or tossed away. Its likely that the problem wasnt the idea, but the
presentation of it. Thats a shame, really, because you may have then drawn
the conclusion that the idea wasnt so good after all. To get people to click
with your ideas, youve got to learn how people receive information, and
therefore how you should organize and present information to get it to them
in the most advantageous way.

Youve got to learn how people receive information, so you

can present it to them in the most advantageous way.

When you know how to get people to click with your ideas, your influence grows along with your impactyou matter to more people, and this
gives you even more opportunities for click.
Let people play a part in developing your idea. Having others involved
can lead to important refinements that will make your ideas more workable.
And there is the added benefit that when people play a part, they have some
ownership over its success. You dont have to follow every refinement
someone else suggeststhis is what critical thinking is forbut you should
be open to discussion and exploration.

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This Is a Test
Your mind tests all new input, whether its an opinion, raw data, potentially
relevant information, or an idea, by running it through a set of filters (your
needs, motivations, and values). What you accept, what makes it through
the filters, arrives at what I call the click zone. From there, it can be used
to inform, to transform, and to move you to action.
The better you understand what makes you tick, the stronger your understanding of how you pay attention, the more choices you have about
what to do with incoming information, including how to present it to others.
Your ability to persuade someone, to get her to get your idea, depends on
closely targeting what you say to get into the click zone right away. Have
that intention the moment you begin to speak.

Open-Minded/Closed-Minded
The closer your idea matches with someone elses, the easier it will be for
him to click with your idea. This does not mean that you have to completely
share another persons point of view to connect, but it does mean that the
person needs to recognize at least some of himself in what you say right
from the outset.
If someone hasnt already made a big investment of time or thought or
energy in your subject, or doesnt identify so strongly with it, or has not yet
arrived at a conclusion about it, she is more likely to have a wide zone of acceptance. She will be more receptive and open-minded. It wont require as
focused an effort to get her to click with your idea.
We witnessed this in the 2008 presidential election. Some people made
up their minds early on and didnt budge over the umpteen months of campaigning: They were ready to cast their ballot long before election day rolled
around, and pretty much nothing anyone could say would sway them. There
was also a large block of uncommitted voters who were waiting for resonance. They sought a candidate who more closely shared their values, who
better understood their needs. The candidate that could successfully fill
those requirements for them would get their vote. Hard-core political
junkies might have wondered how much more distinct the choices could
possibly be. But one thing McCain and Obama had in common: They werent trying to reach the voters who had already rejected them. They were

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aiming for those with the wider click zones, where they could actually get
their ideas heard.

Dealing with Rejection

In the wake of rejection, the two most important things to remember are:
Stop. And, go back.
Youve obviously missed something fundamental, and until you recognize it, youll not make progress in building the connection.

In the wake of rejection, stop and go back.

Take, for example, a waitress who got things off to a bad start with one
table of diners. She was in a bad mood and her mood affected her customers moods, and after a short while their behavior became, well, rude.
Everything she said and did seemed to make things worse. And she became
increasingly frustrated and confused by it.
Finally, she stopped trying to go forward. She actually un-set the table,
without saying a word, picking up the menus, water, silverware, place mats,
everything. Then she came back to the table and, as she set down water for
everyone, she said, Guys, were starting over. Hello! Welcome! My name is
Denise, and Im here to help you have a delicious meal and a pleasant afternoon. Can I bring you anything from the bar to get you started?
The patrons laughed away the earlier difficulty, and by the end of the
meal, Denise got a sizable tip. As she should have.
If you ever get off on the wrong foot with someone, if a conversation
slowly or suddenly makes a turn for the worst, theres no call to keep going;
back up and begin anew. Admit that youve gotten off on the wrong foot.
Ask, If its okay with you, Id like to start from the top, and this time, really
give you my best.

Listening Tells You What to Say

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The key to unlocking the click zone is to invite someone to talk, and then
listen. The more certain a person is, the more precise and understanding
you have to be. Notice the intensity in facial expression and vocal inflection,
because the more intensely a person holds to an idea or position, the bigger
the deal you must make of it. Speak to what youve learned, and youll find
your ability to introduce your ideas greatly enhanced. You dont have to hit a
bulls-eye when you share ideas with people but you have to be familiar
enough to make it into the click zone.

Chapter 10
Emotional Click Signals
When it comes to getting people to get your ideas, appealing to both logic
and emotion is a surefire combination. What you say has to feel right before
people will connect with it and accept it as right.
Most people like to think of themselves as logical, reasonable, and
thoughtful. But feelings help us interpret facts. Emotions grab our attention
and motivate us to focus on the issues in front of us. In the absence of emotion, humans turn out to be very bad at making decisions. This is demonstrated by the work of Dr. Antonio Damasio, head of neurology at the
University of Iowa College of Medicine, who studies brain-damaged patients. (For more, you can check out his book, Descartes Error: Emotion,
Reason, and the Human Brain.)
You dont need clinical research to know for yourself the role emotions
play in getting people to click with ideas. Just examine your own life. Some
of the worst decisions youve ever made were based on feelings. And some of
the best, too. Have you ever acted on impulse? Gone with your gut? Your
ability to think is essential to navigate the complexities of modern life. But
your emotional state also affects your ability to reason; sometimes your feelings are so strong, they override what you think completely.
Feelings happen, but thought requires energy. It takes a lot of energy to
think. Literally. Heres the math: Thinking actually burns three times as
many calories as not thinking. You burn one-tenth of a calorie per minute
when your brain is doing nothing but stayin alive, but that jumps up to one
and a half calories per minute when you do a crossword puzzle. For comparisons sake, you burn four calories a minute while walking. According to
some research, thinking really hard can create the same brainwave patterns
as physical pain. No wonder we tend to avoid thinking when it isnt absolutely necessary. That makes us, according to psychologist Ellen Langer,
cognitive misers. We dont want to think unless we absolutely have to,
even when people are talking to us.

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Fortunately, we dont have to pick between logic and emotion in decision

making. More often than not, humans use a combination of both. We decide
emotionally and then justify the decision logically.

The 7 Signals
To make your ideas emotionally attractive and add persuasive power to the
facts and logic of what you have to suggest, you can appeal to seven core signals that serve to capture the attention of others, helping you to click. They
are:
Affinity
Comparison
Conformity
Reciprocity
Authority
Consistency
Scarcity

Using the 7 Signals to Click

Receptors for these signals are hard-wired into our DNA, where they serve a
valuable function in linking our society together and keeping those links intact. You are constantly on the receiving end of a variety of these signals
from everyone you meetalmost always more than one at a time.
You are always broadcasting them yourself, too. Often these signals are
sent unconsciously, out of a natural desire to connect. Knowing how to send
the signals intentionally comes in handy when you want someone to click
with your ideas.
Youll get the best effect when you combine signals. Not all signals work
equally well in all situations. The more signals you can use, the stronger the
idea is emotionally. And dont overdo it: A little signaling goes a long way.

Understanding the Signal of Affinity

When someone shows her appreciation, offers an opportunity, or gives us
some much-needed attentionwe know she likes us, and we generally

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return the favor. When we recognize that someone shares similar styles,
motivations, and values, were more receptive to what she has to say.
You click with people you find attractive.
It may seem shallow, but people do judge books by their covers. Beauty may
be in the eye of the beholder, and there sure is no accounting for taste, but if
you find someone attractive, youll feel some affinity with her. And it isnt always pretty and handsome that are attractive.
Bram makes jewelry and was selling his wares from a booth at a tattoo
convention. For three days, he watched tattooed people coming and going
and saw every imaginable combination of ink and metal on their skin.
Halfway through the fourth day, a guy with metal spikes coming out of his
bald skull, pins poking through his lips, big wooden dowels inserted in his
earlobes, and tattoos across his chest, neck, and along his cheeks, stopped
by the booth to look at a bracelet. Bram said, I hope you dont mind, but
theres something Id love to ask you. In that moment, he sent the affinity
signal, Im interested in you.
The guy said, Sure, ask away!
So Bram asked him, Why do you have all this metal on your body, all
this ink on your skin? What motivated you to do this to yourself?
And the guy just laughed. He said, Dude, to score with the chicks!
Bram had a hard time making sense of that, until closing time. Thats
when he saw the guy heading for the door, a tattooed girl on each arm.
He smiled broadly at Bram, gave a thumbs-up, and winked, as if to say,
See what I mean?
Taste may vary, whether its Goth or hippy chic or the nerd herd, or
whatever floats someones boat. But people click with the ideas of people
they find attractive.
You click with charismatic people.
Some call it charm. Some call it suave. Whatever you call it, a person who
has this kind of clickability can walk into a room and own it.
My mom used to tell me when I was a kid that You get more flies with
honey than with vinegar. Charismatic, charming people are very
persuasive.
You click with those who treat you with respect.

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When people seek to understand us and listen to us, when they consider us
as important as they consider themselves, we are more easily persuaded to
click with their ideas.
You click with what people you like, like.
This is why companies choose celebrities to be spokespeople for their
products: When the public adores the celebrity, our affection for the
celebrity rubs off on whatever product or idea the company is trying to sell.
We like yogurt Jamie Lee Curtis likes; we like the charity Bono likes; we like
whatever Oprah likes, and that gives millions of her fans the idea that they
want whatever Oprah wants them to have. By relying on the good judgment
of people we like, much of our homework is already done for us.
This works even better with someone we personally know and like. We
take reading recommendations from the members of our book club; kids
want to wear the same brands as their best friends. If youre looking to date
seriously, you ask your friends for introductions. Business people make hiring decisions based on recommendations from friends. We are predisposed
to like our friends friends.

Caveats About Affinity

Its great to be loved by others, but there are people who may use your desire to be liked against you, to leverage you into doing for them what you
ought not do. Too much affinity may undermine your authority. Remember
the rule: A little goes a long way.

5 Ways to Send the Signal of Affinity

1. Lead with your similarities.
You may well have your differences, but you should not dwell on those but
rather focus on what you have in common.
2. Treat people with respect.
When people talk, seek to understand them, ask for their views, take them
into account, and let them know they are important to you. When you listen
connectedly to people, you appeal to their better nature.

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3. Let the other person know you like him.

Offer an honest compliment or your authentic appreciation. As my mom
taught me, theres always something you can appreciate about almost anyone. Maybe its nothing more than Thanks for being honest about how you
feel. As long as you mean it, itll go a long way, even in a difficult situation.
4. Be charming.
True charisma is not something you can fake, but anyone can be enthusiastic, energetic, warm, and welcoming. When you approach, be approachable
in return. Emotions can be contagious, so the person who is upbeat, energetic, and fun can win over a room full of people by how she is more than by
what she does.
5. Watch your eye contact.
Not everyone responds to it in the same way. Some people feel like youre
staring at them. Some wont feel connected unless they can look you directly
in the eye. Observe how the other person uses eye contact, and reciprocate
in kind.

Understanding the Signal of Comparison

Comparison allows people to more quickly size up their experiences and determine relative worth. When comparing good to bad, its obvious that good
is better. When comparing great to good, good pales in comparison. When
someone compares her idea to a lesser one, or his effort to a weaker one, the
signal is sent that something more or better has been offered and is deserving of our attention. After all, who doesnt like new instead of old, improved instead of standard, and helpful instead of helpless? Comparison
sends the signal that its time to click.
You click with the better of two choices.
We compare whenever were given a choice. If you walk into a store, and you
see two similar items on the shelf, youre going to choose the one on sale. Or
the one that has the better features. Or the one that has the most durability.
We do the same thing with ideas and with each other. With so many
people coming and going in our lives, we have to narrow the field of possible
connections somehow, distinguishing one person from another even when

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we know nothing much about them. So we do it partly on the basis of how

they compare to someone else. When we size people up, we compare them
to people we already know. And then we choose whether or not to be open
to them.

When we size people up, we compare them

to people we already know.

Maybe we choose the person who makes eye contact with us when the
rest of the group is wrapped up in other things, or the person with the easier
smile, or, sometimes, just the lesser of two evils. Compared to the guy droning on about car repairs, the one with the one-track mind about politics
seems like the better choice for passing time at a dinner or party. But compared to the one with the encyclopedic knowledge of pop music, maybe the
political one is someone to steer clear of. And compared to the person mixing drinks or offering food, well, who cares about politics, car repairs, or pop
music!
You click with people who match your ideals about how people
should be.
It is easier to click with those who measure up. When you meet someone
who matches your preconceived notions, you are predisposed to click with
him.
A person who uses language we deem inappropriate is not going to compare favorably with the person who speaks in the manner we deem appropriate. A person who dresses the way you expect a respectable person to
dress will have more of your respect when he tells you his ideas. Following
the negative press of President Clintons Oval Office behavior, George W.
Bush promised to restore dignity to the White House. He conveyed his respect for the office by making sure to always wear a tie in the Oval Office.
We also hold people to a standard of consistency, and are more receptive
to their ideas when they are more the way we like them to be. Its easier to
click with your grouchy boss the day hes in a good mood than when hes in

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a bad one, with your aloof teenager when shes doing something that really
energizes her than when shes lazing around and being careless.

Caveats About Comparison

If your ideals are too lofty or too stringent, youre going to have a hard time
finding anyone you deem click-worthy.
When you make too many comparisons, your comparisons lose their impact. Likewise, comparing one person to another person can undermine the
power of your message. It sends the message that you prefer the others, and
thats likely to lead to resentment and de-motivation. Pick and choose, the
better to make the comparison between current performance and past or future performance. Like Olympic athletes, the best comparison you can make
when it comes to performance is with yourself.

3 Ways to Click with the Signal of Comparison

1. Choose your benchmark carefully.
You need to look good by comparison. Whether the comparison is explicit or
implicit, the question is always, Compared to what? Take care to set the
standard to be sure you come out on top! (Without verging into
braggadocio.)
2. Stand out from the crowd.
Draw that little bit of extra attention to yourself. The message you want to
send is that you can fit in while standing out, rather than standing apart.
Dress a little nicer, stand a little taller, walk and talk with more confidence.
Articulate when you speak, smile, be considerate, be attentive to details. Volunteer to help, show your gratitude with a thank-you note, respect other
peoples time, or listen when everybody else is trying to talk. When everyone
else is heading toward the door, stick around a few minutes to help clean up.
3. Compare yourself to yourself.
When you have a history with someone, you may want to reference yourself
over time. Build on your strengths. Point out your personal improvements.
Highlight your good mood (Im having a great day!) or your new openness

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(Now you have my full attention!) or your change of heart (Ive come to
realize that this is something very different than I thought it
was.)whatever will make you look better when compared to the version of
you someone has encountered before.

Understanding the Signal of Conformity

You and your ideas are more likely to click with a group that perceives you
as an insider rather than as an outsider. Numerous studies have shown that
we are influenced by the groups of which we are a part. But its not just
people that conform to groups. Living creatures move collaboratively to fulfill common goals and move collectively against common foes. It is a passive
defense mechanism that aims at quickly reducing as many differences with
the group as possible so as not to be singled out for attack. Conformity has
profound survival value, and it makes clicking with a group possible.
Cultures and communities are collections of people organized around
areas of commonality and acting on those same instincts. Whether for food
and shelter, security, or just belonging, its usually better to stay together
than to stand apart, to find a way to fit in rather than get too far out. Our
ability to survive as a society, and thrive as individuals, depends on our ability to get together, work together, and move together toward our collective
greater good. So if you want a group to click with your idea, that idea must
contribute to the groups shared interest. If you want an individual to click
with your idea, that idea must signal to the individual that it makes them
part of a desirable group.
You click with ideas that belong to your community.
We want to be part of something greater than ourselves. We join together to
pursue the cause and be part of the movement, and we support the person
who knows how to bring us together. This urge to merge into communities
translates into companies that are famous as great places to work. Building
that sensibility means creating signals of shared identity, from shirts to caps
to departmental softball teams that want to wipe the field with the other
departments.
The ways in which we conform speak to our sense of identity. Even nonconformists band together. Whether its the nerds, the geeks, the beauties,
the jocks, the in crowd, church groups, or political activists, birds of a

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feather flock together. It is in your interest to make note of these tendencies

anytime you want people to connect with your ideas, so you can present
your ideas as a way to fulfill those tendencies.
You click with the ideas of the biggest crowd.
When we have the chance to follow a trend, we do. And some of those
trends, in hindsight, are enough to make us blush now. From handlebar
mustaches to Beatle wigs, from Walkmans to iPods, from big purses to tiny
pooches, going with the crowd is built into us.
When a crowd gathers, it may not be any group we know, but if its a
growing group thats trending toward the same behavior, we eagerly rush to
see what is going on, and thus grow the crowd and make it ever more attractive. Whats going on? we ask. We dont know! comes the answer.
But that doesnt stop us. If the crowd is there, something must be holding it
together, even if it is nothing more than the shared experience of not knowing whats holding it together.
Get a crowd to gather around an idea, and the idea will attract and click
with a bigger crowd.
You click with whomever is popular.
Some people are simply more popular than others. When you look more
closely, youll see that those popular people are sending affinity signals and
conformity signals. As more people recognize someone as popular, the larger the group around that person becomes, and the more people will want to
join that groupthus, the more popular that person becomes. If we see a
conference speaker with a big group clustered around her after her speech,
we feel sure we can be a part of that connection when we approach. When
the populist politician, the man of the people, comes through town, the
town turns out in droves. The more people come out, the more other people
come out to join them. If you can represent your idea as popular with others, it is more likely to be received well than if it is presented as an unpopular idea, no matter how good it is.

Caveats About Conformity

People want to fit in, but not too tightly. Too much conformity can harm
your chances of standing out. Too much conformity can compromise

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innovation and creativity. Use conformity where it counts, and leave the
door open for the unexpected when conformity isnt absolutely necessary.

5 Ways to Send the Signal of Conformity

1. Help others be popular.
The more people you click with, the more people will click with you. Build a
network of people around you by helping them build their networks inside
of your network. Be inclusive, find your allies, and build a movement.
2. Join the community.
A community of shared interests, values, and goals is a great entry point for
connection with individuals. Find their gathering place and gather with
them. Find their interests and share in them. Communities are more about
give than they are about get. To join a community, contribute to it.
3. Identify common goals.
Play up the ways you can work together and highlight a trend or movement
or cause of which you are a part and in which the person you want to click
with wants to be a part. Help the other person feel she is part of something
larger than herself, even if that thing is just whatever is going on between
the two of you at that moment.
4. Conform to the other persons expectations.
Be how he wants you to be, behave how he thinks you ought to behave. You
can help set his expectations by pointing out how others in the same situation have dealt with it.
5. Point out how your idea fits their expectations.
Underline how your idea matches with their motivations and values. Make
the connection between your idea and all thats gone before, so that it
blends in rather than stands out too much. The best in our industry have
set something like this as the standard, so well be in great company if we do
this.

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Understanding the Signal of Reciprocity

Reciprocity is all about a little give and take. Thats the old quid pro quo
(something for something, if you dont speak Latin) that you occasionally
hear about. The instinct for reciprocity kicks in whenever we feel obligation.
Its an effort by our nervous system to discharge that obligation as quickly as
possible.
Whatever you do unto others, theres a very good chance that they will
want to do unto you. What we do for one another evokes some degree of obligation. Helping one another helps us to build support systems on which we
may come to depend.
You click with the ideas of people who do favors for you.
We get a good feeling when someone places our interests equal to his own.
Regardless of costs in terms of time, money, or energy, the favor speaks for
itself, and the stage is set for a click. Even small favors will make you feel indebted (as well as grateful), and returning the favor can take the form of accepting the other persons ideas.
You click with people when you do favors for them.
Its the other side of the coin. We feel good when we do for others, and we
do good for others when we feel good about them too. The favors we do for
others increase the possibility of them wanting to do favors for us, including
the acceptance of our ideas.
You click with people who make sacrifices on your behalf.
Whenever someone experiences a hardship in order to make our lives easier, that sense of obligation kicks in and amplifies the gratitude we feel for
her service. The sacrifice of soldiers for our freedom moves us to support
them and want to give them everything they need. The sacrifice of our parents invokes in us a sense of duty to them, which helps keep families together later in life as they experience the loss of independence that comes with
age. And when the waiter in a restaurant or the salesman in a car dealership
says, Let me see what I can do for you, its usually his way of invoking that
same reciprocal sense of obligation that leads to bigger tips or closing the
sale as the relationship arrives at its natural conclusion.

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Caveats About Reciprocity

Dont be a doormat. Too much give can make you vulnerable. Constantly
showering someone with favors helps no one. Make sure when you give of
yourself to help someone out that youre receiving as well. Consistently performing favors with no reciprocity can make you look weak.

5 Ways to Send the Signal of Reciprocity

1. Look out for other people.
Be generous with others. Offer assistance and pitch in when the opportunity
presents itself. Do someone a favor, or just offer to do someone a favor.
Serving others, while rewarding in and of itself, also generates obligation to
return the favor.
2. Let others do for you.
The fact is that sometimes the greatest gift we give others is receiving what
they have to give. And anytime someone does something for you and you let
her, she may feel more connected to you than before.
3. Go first.
Be the first to listen, the first to wait, the first to care, the first to share.
4. Highlight how your idea serves others.
Show that your idea is a favor to them. This proposal is going to benefit the
entire team, the company, and the community. Thats why I put so much
time into developing it. Because I can see what a difference it will make.
5. Let them know youre willing to sacrifice.
Indicate your willingness and ability to endure any hardship in order for
your idea to succeed. I want you to do this. So Im going to bend over backward to make that happen.

Understanding the Signal of Authority

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When you signal authority, other people will be inclined to click with
youand your ideas.
The ability to observe who is in power and then respond obediently is innate. Our nervous systems have evolutionary programming to keep us safe,
and one powerful way to do this is to defer to the strongest, smartest, most
capable, and most powerful among us. Acknowledging authority lets us
know who to follow in a crisis or when facing uncertainty of less dire kinds.
We are designed to hear and obey, and our training enhances those natural tendencies. A system of authority is necessary for any community that
wants to survive. All cultures reinforce obedience. Through conditioning
that starts in childhood, just about everyone divides the world, consciously
or not, into people we ought to obey, and people who ought to obey us.
Obedience to authority also can give us cover for our actions (I was just
following orders!). In other words, it is yet another shortcut to deciding
what to think or do (without spending too much energy thinking).
You click with the appearance of authority.
If, at first glance, a person looks authoritative, this may cause us to grant
her authority until we come to know her better. Authority can be signaled
through manner of dress, social status, titles, and demeanor.
Uniforms are an obvious symbol of authority but we are also attuned to
more subtle physical signsself-confidence, ways of speaking, and the like.
We are instinctively drawn to people who seem to know what they are doing. We notice when people seem to be in charge of themselvesthey tend
to invoke the same confidence in the people around them. We recognize
people like that as someone we can trust, someone we can rely onsomeone
whose ideas matter.
You click with the ideas of people who have more experience.
People assume that experience begets wisdomand wisdom carries authority. You dont need a degree or a title to have the authority that comes from
experience. But you do need experience! People need to have confidence
that your experience is relevant. If the experience is real, it should be able to
stand on its own as a credible source.
In my life, Ive had the good fortune to meet many amazing individuals
whose success had nothing to do with education or titlesbut whose life experience qualified them to be of great service to others. Ray Kroc, for

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example, dropped out of high school at fifteen and went on to create the
fast-food industry (McDonalds). Steve Jobs dropped out of college and
founded one of the worlds most successful technology companies, Apple, in
a garage. Mary Kay Ash, after watching her manager promote less experienced and less qualified people past her simply because she was a woman,
took fate into her own hands to found the highly successful Mary Kay Cosmetics. These people all excelled by turning their experience into authority.
The stories of their backgrounds, combined with their gumption and drive,
signaled to the people around them that they were people to be recognized,
respected, and favored.

Confidence in oneself and ones ideas

grants the aura of authority.

Life is a hard teacher. She often gives the test first and the lesson after.
But a person who learns from his experience grows in confidence. Confidence in oneself and ones ideas, garnered through lifes challenges, grants
the aura of authority, paving the way to a click.

Caveats About Authority

Too much authority can have the opposite effect of creating click, particularly with someone who has a tendency to rebel against it. Temper your authority with a few other signals and you are likely to be more successful.
Authority is so powerful, and obedience to authority so ingrained in us,
that it must be deployed responsibly. At the extreme, blind obedience can
lead to something like the Holocaust, where soldiers and civilians alike participated in atrocities simply because they were ordered to do so. The classic
experiments conducted by Stanley Milgram delved more deeply into this
phenomenon. In his research, volunteers gave electrical shocks to other volunteers at what they believed to be deadly levels and in spite of screams of
protest, simply because someone in authority told them to do so.

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7 Ways to Send the Signal of Authority

1. Carry yourself with authority.
Confidence is found first in your posture. When you stand tall, with your
shoulders relaxed, instead of rounded and shrinking into a smaller physical
space, you project a degree of self-assurance. When you introduce yourself
instead of waiting to be introduced, you appear confident. While the
occasional self-deprecating remark makes a confident person more accessible, too much self-doubt undermines others ability to believe you. Observe
people that you recognize as confidentas having authorityand model the
way they carry themselves. As a person with authority, you dont need approval or agreement to believe in yourself. Before you walk into a room, remind yourself, Im the right person, in the right place, at the right time.
2. Speak from experience.
Rather than making assertions and statements about how it is, the authoritative person speaks from his experience. Simply starting a sentence with
the phrase In my experience . . . will alert listeners and invite them to pay
closer attention.
3. Dress for success.
Always try to dress slightly better than the person you want to click with
your idea, and be understated in your accessories and fragrance. Neat and
clean clothing makes a stronger impression than dissonant and dirty duds.
Casual clothing looks great, but not if you look like a slob while wearing it.
There are regional differences in how people dress professionally, so look
around and notice people that you see as successful in the environment
youre stepping into. What are they wearing? Dress yourself accordingly.
4. Emphasize your credentials.
If you choose to represent yourself as an authority, make sure you can back
it up. If your authority isnt authentic, it will be worthless once someone gets
to know you. Cite your specific experiences, invoke your track record, and
provide references.
5. Accept responsibility.

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People sometimes prefer that others be in charge because it gives them cover in case something goes wrong. Exercise your authority by letting the other person know youre willing to take charge and take the blame.
6. Invoke other authorities.
In some cases, the authority of others is even more compelling than your
own. Enlist other authorities to either bolster your case or to carry the case
for you. If someone can speak for you, make the first contact for you, or
provide a reference for you, youll find it makes it easier to click. My parents
were pros at this: When I was at the age when I simply could not be seen as
giving any credence to anything Dad had to say, my father enlisted my favorite uncle to talk sense to me as the occasion required. For her whole life,
my mom clipped things out of magazines, highlighted key messages therein,
and mailed them to me, as if to say, Dont take my word for ittake theirs!
7. Be the authority.
Be self-controlled rather than controlling of others. Be credible and evenhanded. Be the authority you want to see in the world.

Understanding the Signal of Consistency

We want things to work the same way tomorrow that they worked yesterday. Consistency helps us to make sense of the world in which we live and to
understand how we fit into it. We fully expect consistency in the behavior of
others. If we can assume someone will act the same way, hold the same values, and follow the same rules as she did the last time we interacted with
her, we save the time and effort of having to relearn all those things about
her every time we meet.
Inconsistency creates a cognitive dissonance, a state in which our expectations are not met, and the world, at least for a moment, does not make
sense. Our pulse quickens, our blood pressure goes up, and we get a bit
sweaty. We become confused, our activity interrupted.
In a word, dissonance is uncomfortable, and often intensely so. When
forced to confront inconsistency, we try to discharge it as quickly as possible. We dismiss it by saying it doesnt matter, or explaining it away. Or we
overwhelm it with counterexamples.

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Consistency helps create the trust at the

foundation of any positive relationship.

Moreover, this desire for consistency explains the difficulty people have
changing their minds, admitting when theyre wrong, or finding a new way
to do something. It is in our natures to want to be consistent in the things
we think, feel, and do. Psychologists call it cognitive consistency. Our desire for consistency is so strong that we associate it with personal strength
and character. Conversely, inconsistent behavior makes us feel like we cant
trust someone. Consistency helps create the trust at the foundation of any
positive relationship, laying the groundwork for a click.
You click with people when you know you can count on them.
If a person makes a promise and delivers on that promise, we come to count
on him. In a world in which there are so many moving parts and changing
variables, there is great relief in being able to count on anyone or anything.
Trust opens the door for persuasive communication. If I know I can count
on you, then your ideas must be reliable too.
You click with people when you fulfill their positive
expectations.
People rise or fall to the level of our expectations. In a conflicted and often
disappointing world, most people want experience consistent with their expectations. When we fulfill their positive expectations, it feels like a promise
kept. Its even possible to get someone to change their behavior by consistently projecting that it will change.
Tom used to come home from work angry and explosive. Hed walk in
the door, and launch into an angry rant about his boss, his coworkers, and
anything else that upset him that day. He seemed oblivious to the impact
this was having on his family. His wife, Mary, grew tired of this consistently
negative behavior. So she developed the habit of greeting Toms rant each
evening with these words: Tom, thats not like you. I know you to be a loving and reasonable man, and when you walk through that door, you know I

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love you more than anything, and I think you love me more than anything
too. So thats how I expect you to talk to me.
The first few times Mary did this, Tom felt ashamed of his own behavior.
The cognitive dissonance between what she said and how he was behaving
when she said it was intensely uncomfortable. But it didnt take that long for
Toms behavior to begin to match her projection. At first, hed reply angrily,
Yes, I know. But soon, knowing what she was going to say, Tom began adjusting for it before opening the door. Twenty-one days from the time she
began her new behavior, Tom had a handle on his own behavior. Now he
walked through the door aware of his own behavior, and that made it easier
for him to measure up to her positive projection.
Click.
You click with someone that you expect to click with.
Having a history of positive connection with someone doesnt guarantee
youll have a positive connection every time. But it does give you leverage.
The more consistently positive the connection, the more likely it is to stay
that way. This is one of the keys to great friendships and great customer service. The more consistently positive the experience a person has, the more
the person comes to expect a positive experience. After a while, the most
negative experience gets explained away (Theyre just having a bad day).
Reputations precede us. If word gets out that youre someone who is easy
to get along with, people whove heard the word will measure you by it. This
creates leverage for referral business.

Caveats About Consistency

Clinging to consistency for its own sake rubs people the wrong way. We say
that such people are stiffsthey are rigid or inflexible. Be consistent in your
expectations of others, in your principles, and in the standards you apply to
others, but retain some flexibility and be resourceful.

3 Ways to Send the Signal of Consistency

1. Treat people in a consistent way.

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You want them to know what to expect from you. Be someone you can count
on, so others will know they can count on you. That means that if you say it,
you do it, not just some of the time, but every time. So make sure you can do
it before you say you will. If something gets in the way and you are unable to
do what you said youd do, let people know as soon as possible. Keep their
expectations in check and make sure you can deliver.
2. Be consistent in who you are, what you stand for, and what you
value.
Be true to your word. Match your words and your deeds, your habits and
your values. Keep your promises.
3. Point out consistency.
When you share your ideas, point out how they are consistent with the motivations and values of the person you share them with. Point out how your
ideas are consistent with statements made by the person you share them
with. Point out how your ideas are consistent, and how doing anything else
is inconsistent. This idea is a continuation of the process we began last
May, and if we fail to follow through in this way, people who have been
watching will be left wondering what happened to us.

Understanding the Signal of Scarcity

When something is rare, its value increases. As the tennis pro Andre Agassi
put it, What makes something special is not just what you have to gain, but
what you feel there is to lose.
The capacity for people to want and need seems limitless. Meanwhile, we
have only so much time, so much energy, so much attention, and so much
opportunity. If you cant have everything, there have to be trade-offs. Economics has been defined as the study of human behavior when dealing with
infinite needs and limited means. Well, theres an economics of relationships, too. Scarcity plays a powerful role in human relationships.
If you have the thing that other people want, you appear to have some
degree of control of your environment. And that draws people to you.
Its important to remember that scarcity isnt just about tangible things;
it can apply to intangibles like time, information, appreciation, and honesty.

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When we consider time with someone to be hard to come by, we desire it

more and go to greater lengths to experience it. Isnt that the basis of so
many one-night stands? Men and women go to great lengths in pursuit of
one another, and the harder it is to get the guy or girl, the more desirable he
or she becomes.
When we perceive information as rare or hard to get, as in privileged information, we consider it more precious and we desire it. Thats why so
much connection happens around gossip and rumor. Its also what makes
compliments or praise much more powerful when they are doled out
sparingly.
When we consider a business relationship more valuable than others, we
are motivated to find a way to make that relationship happen. Thats how so
many people wind up in bad business deals: They dont want to lose an opportunity or let the deal get away. Scarcity is a potent signal, because real
value is often hard to find.
You click when people make you feel special.
Some people have a knack for making others feel special. Its in their
eyesin a crowded room, they look at you as if there is no one else around.
Its in their mannerthey can turn their back on the world just to face you.
And its in their wordsspeaking to you as if they know you better than you
know yourself.
Some people have a knack for doing the opposite.
I was boarding an airplane. The line was long, but I was at the head of it,
so I had the displeasure of hearing the one flight attendant give a heads-up
to the other flight attendant when she looked up and noticed us coming:
Here come the cattle. Nobody wants to be treated like another one. I
wasnt at all happy about this and I said so. Its not a herd, Im not a cow,
and that attitude is full of bull. She smiled and tossed me an extra bag of
pretzels. I calmed right down. It wasnt the greatest click in the world, but it
was better than nothing!
Whether its special attention, special appreciation, or a special invitation, when you get the impression that what youre getting is the rare treat
or special treatment, you click. When you feel valued above the ordinary, or
are treated as one-of-a-kind, you cant help but respond. This same signal is
in use when people play hard-to-get, but it plays out differently. When a
person acts like she is special and requires special treatment from others,

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there better be an obvious and discernible sense of why she deserves that
treatment (like, shes the Queen of England, or some other celebrity), or the
response she is likely to get from others is rejection.
Special works as a giving signal, but rarely works as a taking signal. If
someone treats you like youre special, it is compelling. If someone requires
that you treat him like he is special, it can be repulsive, or at best, off-putting. So if you want to be treated as special, you should practice giving
special treatment to others.
You click when the moment is fleeting.
Twice a year, I teach a communication class for medical students at the
Southwest College of Naturopathic Medicine and Health Sciences. I enjoy
teaching this class so much that I asked the president of the college if I
might do even more teaching at the school. His response: Right now, the
students think of you as caviar. If you were here more often, they might consider you chopped liver.

Reserve sharing your ideas, and when you do,

people may take notice.

Real opportunity seems to come with a narrow window of time. Dont

wait too long to embrace it. When the president of the company has a rare
meeting with employees, they are likely to find it more valuable than if the
meetings happen too often, or are too easy to arrange. When you call to ask
for a meeting and find it difficult to set it up, when the meeting comes, you
are more likely to make the most of it.
This is the missed opportunity for people with too many ideas. When the
opportunity to hear an idea is common, the idea is devalued before its even
been heard. Reserve sharing your ideas, and when you do, people may take
notice. I advise clients who attend meetings to be reserved, to keep from
speaking up as often as possible. That way, on the rare occasions when they
do speak up, people will sit up and take notice. By keeping the opportunity
scarce, the value is increased.

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The key words for this signal are exclusive, limited opportunity, and
one-time-only, because they each send the message that now is the time to
click with the idea!

Caveats About Scarcity

Being spare in your giving of approval and attention can have the opposite
effect on people who need it in abundance. For one thing, roles can be reversed quickly. If you are stingy in giving approval, the people youre not
giving it to may be stingy in giving it back. Create some scarcity by choosing
time and place rather than amount, so it stands out when you do it and gives
you an advantage.

5 Ways to Send the Signal of Scarcity

1. Keep confidences.
When people confide in you, put what they tell you in a vault inside of you.
2. Speak in confidence.
When you give people privileged accessBetween you and me . . .it tells
them that what you have to say is valuable and that you consider them special enough to hear it.
3. Create a sense of exclusivity.
Not necessarily for the relationship as a whole, although thats one way to go
about it, but offer up what is obviously not widely available. Youre the only
person Ive said this to. Offer a little of your time if youre chronically overscheduled. Ill make time for you but the best I can do is five minutes. Offer your advice if you are generally close-lipped. I dont like to give advice,
but heres what I think you should do. Offer your innermost thoughts. Can
I tell you something Ive not told anyone? Im worried too! Share yourself.
Reveal parts of yourself you dont wear on your sleeve. You probably would
never figure this out about me, but Im . . . Create intimacyby definition,
available only in limited quantities.
4. Embody qualities in short supply in todays world.

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The scarcity of qualities like integrity, loyalty, and honesty gives you added
value and credibility.
5. Offer something not easy to get.
This can be tangible or intangible, a special price or an early look at
somethingas long as it is something of value. Im not necessarily talking
about bribery here, though youd probably get some connection that way.
Im talking about being part of an exclusive group, or having access to limited information, or private access to key components of your idea.

What Signaling Can Do for You

With these seven signals, everyone can get people to click with themand
their ideas. The signals capture others attention, make your ideas emotionally attractive, and add persuasive power to the facts of the situation,
providing shortcuts that make it easy for people to tell that your ideas are
the ones with which they want to click.

The Seven Signals of Click

Affinity
You click with people you find attractive.
You click with charismatic people.
You click with those who treat you with respect.
You click with what people you like, like.
5 Ways to Send the Signal of Affinity
1. Lead with your similarities.
2. Treat people with respect.
3. Let the other person know you like him.
4. Be charming.
5. Watch your eye contact.
Comparison
You click with the better of two choices.
You click with people who match your ideals about how people
should be.

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3 Ways to Send the Signal of Comparison

1. Choose your benchmark carefully.
2. Stand out from the crowd.
3. Compare yourself to yourself.
Conformity
You click with ideas that belong to your community.
You click with the ideas of the biggest crowd.
You click with whoever is popular.
5 Ways to Send the Signal of Conformity
1. Help others be popular.
2. Join the community.
3. Identify common goals.
4. Conform to the other persons expectations.
5. Point out how your idea fits their expectations.
Reciprocity
You click with the ideas of people who do favors for you.
You click with people when you do favors for them.
You click with people who make sacrifices on your behalf.
5 Ways to Send the Signal of Reciprocity
1. Look out for other people.
2. Let others do for you.
3. Go first.
4. Highlight how your ideas serve others.
5. Let them know youre willing to sacrifice.
Authority
You click with people with the appearance of authority.
You click with the ideas of people who have more experience.
7 Ways to Send the Signal of Authority
1. Carry yourself with authority.
2. Speak from experience.
3. Dress for success.
4. Emphasize your credentials.
5. Accept responsibility.
6. Invoke other authorities.
7. Be the authority.

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Consistency
You click with people when you know you can count on them.
You click with people when you fulfill their positive
expectations.
You click with someone that you expect to click with.
3 Ways to Send the Signal of Consistency
1. Treat people in a consistent way.
2. Be consistent in who you are, what you stand for, and what
you value.
3. Point out consistency.
Scarcity
You click when people make you feel special.
You click when the moment is fleeting.
5 Ways to Send the Signal of Scarcity
1. Keep confidences.
2. Speak in confidence.
3. Create a sense of exclusivity.
4. Embody qualities in short supply in todays world.
5. Offer something not easy to get.

Chapter 11
Make Your Point
Once youve made the initial click, you have a green light to share your
ideas. To do that successfullyto continue the clickyou need to know how
to share an idea and how to convey it persuasively. The key is to get other
people to think of your idea as, at least in part, their own. To get there, you
need just a few tools for clear and concise communication.

Keep It Short and Simple

During the exchange of ideas, you accomplish more by saying less. Franklin
Roosevelt may have said it best: Be sincere. Be brief. Be seated. How often
do you find yourself listening to too many words that are actually saying too
little? The more you hear, the less you probably care.
Practice delivering your message in the fewest number of words possible
while still aiming precisely at your desired result. Heres how:
1. Put the most important information up front.
Like a journalist, you should lead with the main point. Take as little time as
possible to introduce an idea. In describing this book, for example, Its
about making connections, works better than, Business books are more
popular than ever in this down economy, and I realized I had more to say
than my other books cover, but you wouldnt believe how many versions it
took before I came up with the right way to talk about how people connect . .
.
2. Be specific.
Even though you are aiming to keep it concise, do not leave out important
details such as names, places, and actions, or it will be difficult for people to
follow you.
3. Dont tell them everything.

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At least not at first. Give the bottom line clearly and early on. If the other
person wants more information, she can ask for it. And if she doesnt need
it, you wont bog her down with it.
4. Focus on goals, not process.
If theres an action you want someone to take, tell him the specific desired
result rather than elaborating on the process of getting there. You can hash
that out later, after you are already clicking.
5. Choose familiar words.
Use familiar words to make it easy for people to connect with your idea. You
shouldnt be looking to impress anyone with your vocabulary. Use the words
that express your thought most clearly and directly.
In the sections that follow, Ill suggest more ways to organize what you
say to drive the results you want. They all work best when your first step has
been to whittle away everything extraneous to get to the heart of the matter
quickly and clearly.

Make Your Point, Make It Clear

Make your point obvious from the start. Give listeners a reason to pay attention. Be as direct as possible. Tell people what youre going to tell them, and
why. Because when you talk to people, the last thing you want them thinking about is, Why are you telling me this?
(Make sure before you begin that your main idea is clear to you.)
Say something along the lines of: I have a proposal that we xyz, and I
think it will excite you as much as it does me. I bring it forward now because
we have a unique opportunity that wont last long. Bear with me as I give
you some of the key details.

Make Your Case with Examples, and Back It with

Numbers
If you want your idea to click, you need to make it stick. Start with clear and
interesting language, then pin it to the wall with a well-chosen example or

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story. A good example serves as a hook on which your listeners are going to
hang everything else you say, which will help them remember what theyve
heard.
Statistics almost never count as vivid language or memorable examples.
The problem is, statistics themselves have a low reputation when it comes to
credibility. You can tell by the way we talk about them. Figures lie while liars figure. Statistics means never having to say youre certain. While statistics appeal to logic, theyre not always logical. Eighty-seven percent of all
statistics are made up. And I just made that up.

Use statistics sparingly.

This is not to say that you cant use statistics to strengthen a point. Numbers can support a point, they just cant make one. Use statistics sparingly
and remember that a fact only makes sense when you put it in a meaningful
context.
For example, Diane is raising money for the Southern Oregon Land Conservancy and regularly talks with potential donors about the importance of
this cause. If you ask, she can tell you that, since 1978, the SOLC has conserved more than 8,100 acres of the regions working farms and ranches,
river corridors, forests, and scenic lands. She could tell you that in the 5
years between 2000 and 2005, the amount of land protected by local and
state land trusts using easements doubled to 6.2 million acres.
But she doesnt. Instead, Diane talks about people like David Atkin, who
grew up on the banks of the Illinois River, bought his own farm there as an
adult, and later worked with a group of friends and neighbors to create a
land trust dedicated to the permanent ecological protection of the land he
loved. I wanted to make a place in the world for family farms. I wanted to
safeguard the water supply. I wanted to contribute to the fight to slow global
warming, he explains. Most of all, I wanted my grandchildren to experience the beauty of this place. The numbers dont tell the story; David Atkin
does.
When you do use numbers:

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Make the meaning as personal as possible. The typical family of four

will save $250 a year on their taxes is usually more powerful than The cuts
trim x-billion dollars from the budget. Make numbers real, make them into
examples, and vividly connect them to your audience.
Give them meaning by turning them into familiar mental images. Instead of saying something is more than two hundred yards long, say its
longer than two footfall fields.
Turn large numbers into smaller ones. Use 8 out of 10 rather than 80
percent. And if its 83 percent, round it off to 8 out of 10 (unless precision is
key).

Make Your Point, Then Point the Way Forward

Tell people what you want them to do. One thing Ive learned from my work
over the years is that people know exactly what they dont want. They know
what they dont want to see, what they dont want to hear, what they dont
want to say, what they dont want to feel, what they dont want to
experience.
But if all you know is what you dont want, you dont know what you do
want. Or how to get it. If all your actions are based on fighting against or
withdrawing from what you dont want rather than aiming for what you do
wantall youll end up with is more of what you dont want.
When you want people to get your ideas and what to do with your ideas,
simply tell them. Without direction, most people just keep trying to move
away from what they dont want and wind up getting nowhere. So make
your point, then point the way forward. The more specific you are about a
desired direction, the easier it is for people to consider going in that
direction.

Focus attention on what to do and why to do it.

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There are only three reasons why people dont adopt an idea: They dont
know what to do, they dont know why to do it, or they dont know how to do
it. So tell them what they need to know! Focus attention on what to do and
why to do itif people want to know how, theyll probably ask.
Just remember, providing direction is not the same as describing the
path.

Repeat. Restate.
Repetition is no substitute for conviction. As poet Ralph Waldo Emerson
put it, That which we do not believe, we cannot adequately say; even
though we may repeat the words ever so often. But when you have confidence in your idea, repetition can help you get your ideas to click.

When you have confidence in your idea,

repetition can help you get your ideas to click.

You cant just say the same exact thing the same way over and over,
however. Say the same thing in a new way. Our brains crave noveltybut
also reinforcement. When you repeat an idea using different words, it gives
people the idea that they are hearing something new, while underlining
what theyve already heard. Its like that motto at Crazy Larrys Diner: Our
food is tasty, yet delicious!
In the advertising business this is called building response potential. It
is supposed to take upward of seven exposures to an idea before a person
really internalizes it.
Still, a little goes a long way. Too much repetition yields frustration and
aggravation. You dont want to become the kid in the backseat asking Are
we there yet? . . . Are we there yet? . . . Are we there yet?
There is an infinite number of ways to say the same thing differently, but
here are a few of the easiest and best strategies for reiterating without
sounding repetitious:

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Use different words to get at the same idea. If necessary, consult your
friendly neighborhood thesaurus for ideas.
Change the frame of reference. If youve already talked about how your
idea applies to others generally, talk about how it applies to someone specificallyor how it applies to you. Or shift from talking about your idea in
relation to the future to talking about past experience. Talk about it in terms
of how you use it at work if youve been discussing how you use it at home,
and vice versa.
Back up your point with an example. This is a way of restating without
monotony.
Remember, a little goes a long way. Saying the same thing two or three
different ways will make your point stronger. Going on and on about it undermines the message.

The Rule of Three

Its been said that the third time is the charm. The rule of three is one of the
most powerful, potent, and practical rhetorical devices ever devised. It is
also one of the simplest.
A pattern of threes is generally more memorable. Whether introducing,
delivering, or summarizing an idea, youll make it more memorable when
you use the Rule of Three to establish and complete a pattern.
Whether this is three points on a list, three phrases in one sentence, or
three sentences building to a point, the same three steps apply: first, establish a reference point for your idea; second, reinforce the reference point;
and finally, slide your idea right into the slot youve created for it. In this
way, you build up an expectation and then satisfy it, embedding your idea
into the thinking of the person you are talking to. For example, you want to
suggest to a colleague that she should consider a new way to grow her company: You want to build your brand. (step 1) That means letting more
people know about what you do. (step 2) Have you ever considered hosting your own radio show? (step 3)

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Rhetorical Questions
Raising questions and then planting the answers in the minds of your listeners can make an opinion sound much more like established fact. It tilts the
playing field toward consensus. And the ask-and-answer format saves your
listener a little thinking, always a good way to set the stage for a click.

Make an opinion sound more like established fact.

For example, you want to share your feelings on a colleagues proposal.

You could say it straight out and leave the floor open for discussion: I think
his proposal is a good one. Or you could set yourself up for the agreement
of everyone else in the room: Is Joes proposal the best one for our situation? Clearly it is.
For an even stronger click, combine rhetorical questions with the Rule of
Three. Ask three rhetorical questions, all requiring the same answer. Has
Joe done his due diligence? Yes, and it is obvious. Has he proposed
something workable? Yes, he certainly has. Now, is it time to stop talking
about it and get to work on it? Pause. The next thing you say is, Yes, it
isbut that third yes will appear in the mind of your listener before you say
it because of the pattern youve set. When you do say it, you are confirming
an idea he already has in mind.
Be warned, however, that rhetorical questions can also be used to put
people on the defensive, which leads to no clicking at all. Thats when a person makes a statement in the form of a question that implies or says outright something negative about a person. Statements like Where do you
think youre going? and You have a problem with that? and How many
times do I have to tell you this? are off-putting because of their tone and
loaded language.
In summary, are rhetorical questions useful? Yes. Should you use them
only on occasion for the most powerful effect? Yes. Should you be careful
about how you use them, so that people click with you and your ideas?
Absolutely.

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Do More with Less

By taking what you know about a persons needs, motivations, and values,
then packaging your ideas using the signals and these guides, you can deliver your ideas for maximum persuasive click. As always, you dont want to go
overboard in applying any of these tools. Use them to enhance your interactions, not direct them entirely. Think of them as seasoning, not the main
course. Too much, and youll overwhelm the other person. Too little, and
youll dilute their power. Get it just right, and whatever youre serving will
be at its most palatable and easy to digest.

Chapter 12
Stumbling Blocks
As long as you are speaking to a persons needs, motivations, or values, you
can expect to get a satisfying click with your ideas; yet despite all youve
learned and applied, and no matter how well organized you are in your
presentation, occasionally you are unable to get your idea across. Theres
something in the way: a stumbling block.
Stumbling blocks occur when someones mindset makes it hard for him
to accept, implement, or change his thinking. This can take several
formsconfusion, inhibition, blaming, and arrogance among themwhich
well look at one by one throughout this chapter.

Getting people to click with your ideas isnt about convincing

them. Its about helping them convince themselves.

Only people can change their own minds. You cant change their minds
for them. You can, however, give them a moment of self-reflection, a chance
to hear themselves talk, and in many cases, to hear themselves think. In other words, you can set the stage for them to change their own minds. Getting
people to click with your ideas isnt about convincing them. Its about helping them convince themselves.
Keep in mind that it might be the other person setting up the roadblockbut it might be coming from you. So make sure youve cleared your
own path before you start clearing someone elses.

The Right Questions

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When the time comes to go forward, no matter which stumbling block

youve hit, your most powerful tool is a simple question. Questions can get
you past all the various barriers and back on the road to click.
You do have to choose the right questions. To do that, you have to identify which roadblock youve hit. So the descriptions of each of the blocks that
follow include information on how to know what youve run into. Youll also
learn the specific lines of questioning that are most effective for each particular block. But generally speaking, you can use questions to get a derailed
conversation back on track, lead people in the direction you want them to
go, gather more information, solicit agreement, invite thought, or spur an
emotional reaction. The way to know for sure what someone means by what
she says is to ask her questions. The way to know what your idea means to
someone else is to ask him questions after hes heard it.
Questions work better than statements when the road is blocked, because when you make a statement, people have only two options: agree with
it or disagree. But a well-asked question will encourage people to think, regardless of whether or not they agree with you. And if they disagree with
you, thinking about the answer to your question may bring them to
something important they hadnt considered, increasing your chance of
clicking.
Take Sureshs relationship with his manager, Matt, for example. When it
seemed that all his suggestions about how to more smoothly run the design
process met with nothing but resistance, Suresh used smart questions to
turn things around. Instead of telling Matt his ideas straight out, he made
the simple switch to running them by him as questions. Hed say, Matt, I
need your help with something. If I were to try doing it this way, what do
you think would make it better? Whatever the response, Suresh could build
on it with more questions, as necessary, until either Suresh understood and
accepted a noor Matt gave the go-ahead. Without the constant clashing
over ideas, the entire dynamic of their relationship changed for the better.
Its all about the questions.
It is possible to pile on too many questions, or ask them too quickly,
which will make a person feel like she is being interrogated and give rise to
more defenses rather than removing barriers. And here, too, you should always follow the guidelines about asking questions covered in earlier
chapters, such as backtracking before asking a question, and being sure you
get an actual answer to each question, even if it means repeating or restating
the question.

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Sometimes you may find that the questions you ask take you down the
wrong road, instead of giving you access to an open road. If you should
stumble while trying to remove a block, catch yourself, back up, backtrack,
and try a different question.

Block One: Confusion

When confusion stands in the way of a click, either you or the person you
are talking to is missing some information. Over-generalization, with key
details missing, is the most common cause of confusion.
You can go a long way to avoid confusion by focusing on specifics. Steer
clear especially of sweeping generalizations like everything and nothing,
everyone and no one, and always and never. Watch out for the vague use of
they or them, when exactly who you are talking about is unspecified (They
say those companies are in trouble . . . Who says? Which companies?). Be
as specific as you can and be sure to include the details the other person
most needs to know (such as who, what, where, and when).
When you are confused about what someone is saying to you, ask for the
missing information. Dont just start guessing and filling in what you think
is missing! Thats a recipe for more confusion. Do ask for what you need to
know until youve filled in all the blanks. Ask specific questions that will get
you specific answers. Ask until you are sure you understand the other
person.
When people are most confused, they may barely realize it. Asking your
questions may help them get a handle on exactly what they mean to say, as
well.
Once the confusion clears, your idea has a chance to click.

Block Two: Hitting an Impasse

One of two things creates an impasse: Either theres no plan in place, or
someone reaches an undesirable decision. To get past this stumbling block,
focus on how you got there and use that information to focus on how to
move forward.
Find the road already taken.

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If someone has obviously already arrived at a decision or conclusion, you

can ask how he got there. Listen for the thought process involvedyou may
be able to trigger that same process to help the person arrive at a different
decision. Knowing how he thinks can help you tailor your approach and
reach that click.
Consider Janelle, a VP of an insurance company, and Lillian, the head of
marketing and client services, and their discussion about the best way to respond to the recent loss of their largest client in a shrinking business climate. Lillian thinks that the best response to a changing business environment is proactive rather than reactiveimprove existing products and services for current clients and develop new products and services to attract
new clients. When she tells Janelle her idea, Janelle declares that shes
thought it through already and made up her mind about what to do. Its
time to lay off some of Lillians creative staff. Lillian thinks this is a terrible
idea. After a brief back and forth, Lillian realizes that they are at an impasse.
She knows arguing cant change Janelles mind and may even harden her resolve, so Lillian decides to try a different approach:
I get it. Youve made up your mind. But please help me understand,
since it affects my staff. How did you make up your mind?
Janelle replies, I looked at the numbers, talked to my advisors, and
reached this painful decision.
Lillian backtracks what shes heard and then asks, Im curious, which
numbers did you look at? And when she has the answer, she asks, Which
advisors did you talk with? And lastly, she asks, How did you come to this
decision based on those numbers and advisors?
Each question has the potential to yield valuable information, while giving Janelle more information about her own thought process. Janelle might
discover something shes failed to take into account.
And knowing Janelles thought process for arriving at the decision, Lillian gains a new option for presenting her own idea. She can suggest that
Janelle consider other numbers, like the amount the company has invested
in developing the staff and the cost of losing any more dissatisfied clients.
Finally, she can suggest that Janelle talk to other advisors who may have a
different opinion. Then she can ask Janelle to revisit her decision.
Lillians questions wont necessarily solve anything, but they may change
everything.

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Define a pathway forward.

Ideas have a certain life cycle. First, the idea is bornsomeone thinks it up.
At first, the idea may engage people. Momentum gathers. Excitement
builds. And then . . .
. . . Nothing. Without specifics about how to go on, without plans for how
to step forward, the idea grinds to a halt. Attention fades, neglect takes over,
and eventually the idea just fades into history and is forgotten. Or the idea
may just idle, not actually slipping away, but not proceeding, either.
You can prevent this ignominious end and give an idea a longer shelf life
by setting out a way forward. And you can get a sidelined idea moving again
by defining a way forward. Where no path is clear, ask questions about how
to find it. Follow up your who, what, where, and when questions with one
more: How? How do we go forward from here? And, if thats an unknown,
then: How can we find out? Ask someone else, ask an expert, investigate
it, and report back. Make a plan of action and act on it, one step at a time.
How questions can reveal the information that will help set new goals
and point the way toward achieving them. They can reengage interest and
motivation. Looking forward is the first step to moving forward. Tackling
problems and making plans are, in and of themselves, ways of moving forward. A single step is movement. A series of steps is momentum.

Looking forward is the first step to moving forward.

Plotting a course ahead changed the game at XYZ Design Company. The
employees there were never at a loss for ideas. One month, someone
brought forward an idea for a wireless programmable toaster. The next
month, a silent leaf-blower. These novel ideas got everyone excited, but then
time would pass and inevitably they would fall by the wayside.
Production continued in a similar fashion until XYZ learned to plot the
course ahead. How would programming the toaster work? How could they
get it made in a cost-effective manner? How would the silencer on the leafblower work? How would they market it? The answers helped them rule out
impractical ideas and bring the best ones to fruition. Responsibility was assigned, resources identified, and teams got their specific marching orders. I,

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for one, hope the silent leaf-blower is one of the ones that makes it off the
drawing board!

Block Three: Getting Stuck

Ideas get stuck when they stop moving or when people lose perspective.
Once an idea gets bogged down, the more you try to push it ahead, the more
youll be just spinning your wheels, and the more and more stuck you will
get.
You can hear when an idea becomes stuck. The very words used to express it become passive and empty. Verbs become frozen into static nouns.
We talk a lot about customer service or business excellence yet the concepts have become almost meaningless because they are divorced from the
actions at their roots: to serve and to excel. Ideas get stuck when they become things instead of processes or actions in this way.

Check the language youre using to make sure

it is active, rather than passive.

To get an idea unstuck so that it can click, ask a question that contains
the active form of the key word, to set things back in motion. Regain perspective by looking at the issue from a critical angle. Focus on action to get
things going again. Check the language youre using to make sure it is active,
rather than passive. If the company meeting on customer service seems to
be going nowhere fast, for example, try asking, How do we serve our customers? How should we serve our customers?

Block Four: Inhibition

There are at least two ways to approach just about anything in life. You can
either believe that anything is possible or you can believe in limitations.
Since life is an exercise in self-fulfilling prophecy, when you believe that
anything is possible, you are more likely to discover the possibilities. On the
other hand, when a person believes that something cant be done, she will

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find evidence to support that belief. Perhaps you are familiar with the saying
that Whatever you can conceive and believe, you can achieve. The inhibited person has a different take. Whatever I cant conceive, I believe. When
people believe their options are limited, they wont be inspired to make the
impossible possible.
Inhibition can be situational. A person who can see the possibilities of
one idea may still find only limitation when considering another idea.
Whether generally or specifically, an inhibited person holds back an idea by
investing all her concern into identifying constraints and then placing them
outside her control.
You can hear this, too, in his speech. Words like cant, and have to,
should, and must litter his vocabulary. The choice of words binds and holds
back ideas. People who have really bought into their limitations trade their
creative instincts for such reactive reasons. They accept the limitation that
they believe is in their way and assume it must be there for some reason.
Finding out the reason for the limitation is the road less traveled. Its a road
worth taking.
Dana works at a discount shoe store. One day, a customer named Suzanne asked for an advertised special but all the shoes of that sort were sold
out. Suzanne asked, Will you be getting more in? Dana replied, I dont
know. Suzanne asked, Can you find out? And Dana said, with what sounded like great certainty, No, I cant. Suzanne persisted. What stops you
from finding out? Dana had to think about it. Im doing inventory. Suzanne offered an idea. Can you find out first and then do the inventory?
And Dana replied, Um, okay. Dana could have arrived at that conclusion
sooner, only she was unable to see past the idea of her limitations. Suzanne,
eager for the special, helped her by asking questions about what was in the
way and then suggested a way by asking another question.
Inhibition can interfere with your relationships as well. This is what happens when you take an instant dislike to someone or make assumptions
about someone based on limited knowledge. Maybe you figure your blue
state self cant possibly connect with, or shouldnt connect with, the red
stater you just met, or vice versa. Inhibited in this way, you wont even try.
Or maybe you pass on the chance to chat with someone who knows just the
person youre trying to meet, because you observe them engaged in a habit
that you cant or wont tolerate.
How do you remove the stumbling block of inhibition? It wont do to argue with someone who believes in her limitations. Instead, find out how the

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limitations work. When someone says, I cant, find out what stops her.
When someone says she should, find out what would happen if she didnt.

Whether its fear or doubt, find it out.

When an inhibited person is given the opportunity to hear her thoughts

in the presence of a person who can see possibility, the stumbling block begins to fall away. Just the action of answering your questions may be enough
to turn her attention in a new direction.
When people believe that a limitation is real, it inhibits them. To remove
this stumbling block, your first task is to identify the inhibiting factors surrounding the acceptance of your ideas. Whether its fear or doubt, find it
out.
In Chapter 5, we covered fear as a motivator. If you know someone is inhibited by fear, one option is to frame your idea in terms of what she might
fear about not adopting your idea.
Nan has a specialized piece of exercise equipment at her gym. It improves circulation by creating a jiggling movement throughout the body.
One day, she invites her customer, Alice, to give it a try.
Alice looks at the equipment and then backs away from it. No, Im not
interested.
Nan asked, Not interested? In this amazing piece of equipment? Do you
mind if I ask what about it are you not interested in?
Alice said, It looks like it would be uncomfortable.
Nan asked, Really? Uncomfortable in what way?
Alice responded, Gosh, I would be embarrassed to use it. It would shake
my fat and make me look ridiculous.
I know what you mean about looking ridiculous, but what about shaking
your fat would look ridiculous?
Embarrassed, Alice admitted, Well, anyone that walked in would see my
fat rear end wiggling at high speed. What an awful sight!
Nan thought for a moment. Thats interesting. You know what I would
see? Id see someone who was doing something to get in shape so she
wouldnt look ridiculous.

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And Alice, clicking with that idea, finally agreed. Well, let me give it a
try.
When you know what someone fears and how she thinks, then you can
introduce a new possibility to her. Appealing to her train of thought and
coaxing her away from her limitations will help her click with your idea.

Block Five: All or Nothing

In relationships, problem-solving, and especially creativity, all-or-nothing is
a self-defeating mindset that will block a click every time.
Theres nothing inherently wrong with thinking in extremes. There are
times when this can help us see the big picture or put events in perspective,
just as there are times when moving from the general to the specific is more
helpful. When someone always and only operates in this mode, however, ignoring all the specific people, places, and things around her in favor of
black-and-white thinking, it becomes all but impossible to click.
Fortunately, this is an easy stumbling block to identify and remove.
When youre hearing words like everyone, everything, always, never,
nobody, and nothing, youll know youre up against all-or-nothing thinking.
To break through the block, you need to ask the right questions that are designed to get a specific answer. If the talk is about everybody being there,
find out who, exactly, attended; if its about something that always happens, find out when, specifically, it occurs. You get the idea.
Once you have a specific example, offer a counter-examplesomeone
who didnt go or a time it didnt happenand the stumbling block will
crumble.
Escalate with exaggeration.
If basic questions and simple counter-examples arent enough to loosen
someones grip on their black-and-white perspective, try exaggerating your
question. If you really stretch it to the extremes, youll shed light on the implausibility of her point of view and she may begin to open up.
Lets say Tom is reporting back about a presentation hes just given that
you didnt attend. Tom wants to make a point about your absence and insists that everyone was there.

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Call him out. Say, Everyone was there? Every single person in the whole
organization? Not one person called in sick that day, or totally forgot the
meeting?
Lest he be pegged as a liar, Tom will likely back down. Well, not
everyone, of course, but let me tell you, it was standing room only while I
gave the presentation and took questions.
This kind of exaggeration has to be applied with some degree of discretion and humor. If you come off as mocking or disapproving, your reaction
will not be received well. So the use of exaggeration is an exercise in the
subtle increase in voice tone and energy. Make sure the nonverbal cues you
are sending indicate that you are on the other persons side and that these
are just simple questions aimed at exploring what hes said.
Use the ultimate exaggeration: Agree.
When a person thinking in all-or-none terms gets backed into a corner defending himself, he can become polarized against whatever it is you are saying. Hes no longer thinking about what hes saying, hes just reflexively
holding the line at everything and nothing.
This is the optimal time to deploy the ultimate weapon: Agree with him.
Just tell him, Youre right. He wont expect you to agree so youll have his
undivided attention. Next, you should repeat and exaggerate his point.
A woman at one of my presentations stood up to declare that nothing I
was saying would work. After some back and forth, I finally realized what I
had to do. I told her, Well, then, I guess youre right. It wont work. I
paused. Not for you, at least. No way, no how, not now, not ever. Not even
you could find a way to make it work!
At that point, she had nothing to say because I had said it all. She began
to reply, but before she could argue with herself, I took the conversation in a
different direction.
Im interested in what led you to this conclusion; please come talk to me
at the end of the program. Then I continued on with my presentation as if
we had reached complete agreement.
At the end of the day she approached me to apologize. Once shed had
time to think about it, her argument didnt make sense, even to her. She
then asked for my advice on a completely different situation that was bothering her. My approach to dealing with her had opened up some room for
possibility. That was all the space she needed for us to click.

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Block Six: Blame

Blame is at the heart of many conflicts. It is so common that many times
people dont even realize they are doing it. As long as someone is quick to
blame someone or something else for whatever problem she faces, it is going to be difficult to click with her. Its all too easy to point a finger, turning
yourself into a victim of circumstance rather than a creator of your own
experience.
To move beyond blame and get to the click, you have to tease apart cause
and effect. As Ive explained before, the best way to get to the bottom of any
problem is to ask questions. When the right questions help the other person
recognize and accept that the cause of a problem is her own doingthat the
resolution is within her controlyou may be able to produce a click after all.
Imagine youre in the passenger seat of your friends car. You happen to
be a particularly nervous passenger and your friend is speeding around
corners and zipping through traffic. Gripping your seat belt with eyes
squeezed shut, you cry, Slow down!
Shocked by your outburst, your friend tries to defend herself. That car
was tailgating me, its not my fault!
You look behind, and theres no car for at least a quarter mile. No longer
an agent of free will, it appears that your friend has ceded control of her accelerator to the driver of another car! You could yell that at her, which
would only lead to more reckless driving. Or, if you actually want to get
somewhere (in one piece, at that!), you could ask her, How did being tailgated make you speed up?
It may take some prodding, but eventually shell get to the heart of the
matter. It may not happen immediately, but asking questions will get you
there. It doesnt require an especially self-aware person. The other person
might not even know she knows the answer to what you are asking before
you ask. But when you do ask, she will tell you. Through your questions, she
becomes aware. So, your tailgating friend may admit, I felt pressured.
Once shes able to put a name on the problem, the conversation can take
a more productive turn and you can figure outtogetherhow to avoid that
pesky tailgater and other pressures while driving. Instead of squabbling
over whether she should have pulled into the other lane or kept going at a
safe speed, etc., you and your friend avoid the roadblock and get back to
clicking.

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The blame game is a formula as old as time, but just asking about the immediate problem is usually enough for people to see whats really going on
and deal with it accordingly. When youre trying to click with a person whos
prone to laying blame elsewhere, theres no point in arguing with him. Instead, when someone is blocking your idea with blame, try asking her about
the connection between cause and effect.
Lets look at a more business-related scenario. A few weeks ago, Cindy
was asked to prepare a presentation with Janelle that unfortunately wasnt
completed on time. Instead of taking responsibility for falling down on the
job, Cindy insisted that her team would have made the deadline had it not
been for Janelle.
Rather than argue with her, your best approach will be to ask Cindy,
How do you know you would have otherwise finished on time?
Cindy will likely tell you, Its obvious. Janelle finished late on the last
project.
This is your opportunity to offer Cindy an alternate explanation for Janelles poor time management. Ask Cindy a question that would require her
to look at the situation in a different light.
What differences were there between these two projects? What materials did she need and when did she get them?
People may snap out of their blaming behavior as they begin to see the
problem differently. More often than not, no matter how reasonable blame
may sound, it is built of unfounded ideas that dont hold up to scrutiny. Asking the right questions can expose the circular logic, take blame out of the
equation, and clear the way for a click.
Thats what happened at Dans Electronics when Julia figured out a new
approach to discussing the stores slump with the owner. Dan had a million
reasons why sales were spiraling downwardnone of which had anything to
do with him. Internet sales that were killing them, gas prices were too high,
and, by the way, the economy was really lousy. Theres nothing we can do
except pray for a miracle, he could often be found saying.
Always optimistic, Julia wanted to take a more active approach to improving the store and with it, her employment prospects. Since Dan was
hooked on blaming external causes for his stores performance, Julia asked
Dan straight out, Help me make sense of this. How exactly has the slowing
economy stopped customers from coming in?
Quite matter-of-factly Dan replied, Our products are luxury items.
Nobody wants them.

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Who doesnt want them? she persisted.

Come on, Julia, face it. Most people have no use for these products.
Julia asked for a counter-example. You say most people dont want our
products, but something made you think starting this business was a good
idea, right? So who does want them?
Dan drew a blank. Nobody, he repeated.
Julia made a point to exaggerate his response. Nobody? Not one single
person? Or family? Or group? Nobody at all?
Dan chuckled. Okay, well maybe somebody wants cameras and music
players, but dang if I know who or where they are.
That gave Julia an idea. Maybe thats the problem, Dan. We havent
identified who or where they are. What are we doing about that?
Dan paused for a moment before he said, Apparently not enough.
Julia had perfectly set up her introduction. Maybe the economy will kill
us, but we dont have to help it. I have some ideas for keeping this store
alive.
She went on to suggest increasing inventory on lower-priced items to appeal to budget-minded consumers, running specials aimed at service groups
and offering premiums to returning customers. Before too long, Dan was
smiling and nodding his head. You know, Julia, youre right. Lets get going
on these and see which ones really work.
Click.

Block Seven: Excuses

Excuses seem to provide a credible reason to do or not do something, but in
reality they serve to mask the real reason. To remove this stumbling block
you need to help people find and express that real reason for avoiding a
problem.

Excuses serve mainly to mask the real reason.

Weve all made excuses, but getting to the heart of the matter is another
matter entirely. Your best bet will be to pointedly ask why the excuse at

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hand is a viable reason not to do something. Essentially, you want to create

a situation in which the individual making excuses can look within and
really understand whats giving her pause.
When you open the door to that moment of reflection, you open the door
to click.
Consider the following.
Leopold had recently received an award from his company for developing an efficient message-delivery system. Due to the prestige of the award,
he would have to travel out of state to the corporate headquarters to accept.
Leopolds girlfriend, Nancy, while proud of his accomplishments, insisted
that she wouldnt be able to go. I have a deadline to meet, she told him one
evening over dinner.
Crushed, Leopold couldnt see the problem. How does having a deadline
keep you from going?
Nancy replied, Im so sorry, Leo, but I have only another three weeks,
and your banquet falls right in the middle of that.
I dont understand, he persisted. How would traveling to the ceremony for one night make it harder to meet your deadline?
I wouldnt be able to get any work done while traveling, Nancy said.
Still not satisfied, Leopold nodded as though he understood, but he could
not wipe the confusion from his face. Help me understand this. How does
travelling interfere with you getting any work done?
So Nancy explained. Well, when I travel, I like to kick back and relax,
you know? Enjoy myself.
I understand, he genuinely agreed. Have you ever found that a day off
gives you more focus when you get back to work?
Thats when Nancy realized that a little time away might be just what she
needed to hit her deadline. She could take the trip, enjoy the dinner, and
still get everything done. She just needed a little help to be able to see it that
way.

Block Eight: Projection

When someones premature opinions about you or your idea block that persons ability to actually learn anything about you or your idea, youve
reached the projection block.

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Projection occurs when a person takes some personal aspect, trait, quality, thought, or behavior and projects it onto another person. Often, the precursors to projection are misinformation and misconception. Shockingly,
this is a normal human behavior, but it doesnt always have to be negative.
Some forms of projectionlike empathy and intuitioncan actually lead the
way to click.
You need to know a little something about a person before you can click
with himand he needs to know a little something about you. If the information he is operating with comes only from his projection, a click is impossible. And arguing with someone about what he thinks is true is
pointless.
To avoid this block, you should always assume that unless someone tells
you what she is thinking, you have no way of knowing. If you want to know
what she is thinking, or if you want to challenge what she thinks of you, all
you need to do is ask.
Galib sells training programs to help universities develop their online recruitment. When he discussed the service with Cheryl, an administrator for
a university, she seemed interested in the product line, but declared it would
never work in her department. My division head, Tad, would never go for
this.
Galib simply asked how she was so certain.
He just doesnt go for this kind of thing, she replied.
What kind of thing do you mean? How doesnt he go for it?
Cheryl explained that Tad, hailing from a more traditional background,
was not fond of change. Hes generally pretty closed-minded.
Galib nodded. Ive heard that before, believe me. How do you know Tad
has a closed mind, though?
Last month, he shot me down when I suggested we try a new testing
procedure, Cheryl replied with a shrug. Hes the kind of guy whos worn
the same tie every day for years, Galib. We tried to buy him a new one for
his birthday five years ago and its still sitting in the box next to his desk.
Theres no point in even trying to convince him to use this software.
I see, Galib said. Do you think theres any chance he had something
else going on that day besides considering your testing procedure?
Well now that you mention it, said Cheryl, beginning to think, I might
have been a little pushy.
Ah! And how did that go over? asked Galib.

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And I might have accused him of being resistant to change. Cheryl

laughed. Um, he didnt seem to care for it. In fact, I havent talked to him
about anything substantive since.
Hm. Would you mind if I called him myself to talk about online recruitment? Or, if you prefer, we could call him together . . .
Cheryl cut in before Galib could finish. You know, I think Ill give him a
call. I guess I owe him an apology. Then Ill see if he has time to see both of
us. I think hell love your product.
Click!

Block Nine: Arrogance

Arrogance is often a cover for weakness. A little investigation on your part
will reveal that the underpinnings of someones self-importance are faulty, a
scaffolding of undeserved authority and unreasonable rules.
This is the penultimate stumbling block. People tend to place themselves
at the center of their own universe and bolster that place with their own
thoughts, needs, motivations, and valuesunable to see others wants,
needs, and resources. Arrogance can also appear as a person with a seemingly very high opinion of himself talks down to you or belittles your idea to
others.
The best way to confront arrogance is with confidenceeither in yourself
or your idea. Your conviction, however, should be based on strength, experience, and clarity rather than weakness, wishes, or blindness.
When faced with arrogance, dont defend your own ideas. The better approach is to ask the right questions to clear the way for click:
Ask for the source or a reference. Just do it with tact. Start with a
softening phrase, such as Id like to know, or Im curious, or Can you
tell me . . . Try:
Im curious: According to whom?
Can you tell me how you know that?
Is that right? Id like to know your source.
Really? Do you know where that comes from?
Ask what makes the source the most credible. You can skip this
bit if youve already heard a reliable source, like this months Journal of

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Applied Biomedical Sciences. But if you dont think the source is credible
(something like my manicurist or the National Enquirer), ask what
makes that source the most credible one. If the other person resorts to hyperbole or ambiguity to describe her source (Everybody knows . . . or Its
obvious . . . or I heard it somewhere . . .), simply repeat your request:
Still, Im curious, where does that come from?
Provide new information, sources, or reference points in the
form of a question. Dont tell themrun it by them, as if you desperately
need their insight. Im curious to know what you think about something.
Were you aware that . . . ? or Thats really interesting. Did you know . . . ?
Running something by a seemingly arrogant person can change the way
he thinks about you. The better the information packed into those questions, the more likely the arrogance will fade in recognition of your superior
response.
Oftentimes a persons source is herself and her own set of rules. Your
best bet is to offer new information, evidence, and sources with confidence.
Remember, you are talking to a person who has every right to her own rules,
just as you have every right to yoursbut this does not make her the supreme authority on anything. You can challenge her status quo by suggesting a new perspective. Well, then, heres an idea. You dont do the public
speaking thing, and I get that. But youre the most knowledgeable person in
the department on these new findingsyoure the one always reading the
trades, right? We really need you to get the rest of us up to speed. If you
make the slides, Ill present them. Hows that?

When the Clicking Gets Tough . . .

Stumbling blocks can cause a lot of frustration, and removing the stumbling
block may require patience, flexibility, and determination. The good thing
about running into one is that once you know youve hit something, you can
identify and eliminate it. Even when communication is difficult, slow going,
or antagonistic, you can resolve the issues that stand between you and another person and make that click.

Chapter 13
Group Click
Most people want to be part of something greater than themselves. But
people are independent by nature, so to harness the raw power of the individual and get it to work in the service of a greater good, you need to not
only get everyone together but also get them to get each other. You need to
bring people together around an idea or mission. You need a group click.
Inspiring a group of people doesnt mean convincing everyone to have
the same point of view. The benefits of creating a group click are powerful
and give you a way to move mountains. With group click, youll begin to see
heightened levels of connection, cooperation, productivity, teamwork, clear
communication, and ultimately less stress.

A really good group click ultimately happens from the

group itself, not just one member of the group.

While you essentially want to inspire a group to click together, it may

take one member to get the ball rolling on a group click, and sometimes to
ensure that it keeps rolling in the right direction. That person can be you.
Follow the five strategies below to ensure that your group can click together.
1. Hold the focus.
To create a sustainable group, you need to give people a good reason to
come together and stay together. And you need to give them a way to act on
that good reason. Keep people connected by regularly reminding them that
This is what were doing, why were doing it, and why it matters.
A good reason tells people not just what the group doeswhat they, as
part of the group, dobut also why they do it. And why it matters. A good

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reason creates shared purpose and meaning, and lets people know both that
they are contributing to the greater good and how, exactly, they can do so.
Identify the reason, then hold the focus on it. This gives everyone
something in common. Create a central idea that will attract people to it,
then keep it in front of people so that they will concentrate their attention
on it.
Its like the old story of a guy walking down the street, past three bricklayers at work on a church. The guy asks the first one, What are you doing? and the bricklayer replies, Im laying bricks. The guy asks the second
one, What are you doing? and the bricklayer replies, Im laying bricks to
build a wall. The guy asks the third one, What are you doing? and the
bricklayer replies, Im building a sanctuary. (Which one would you hire to
work on your home?) To help a group click, invite them to build a sanctuary,
not just lay some bricks.
2. Identify a positive common goal.
To get a group to click and keep them clicking together, give them a shared
goal as a rallying point. Provide a clear target for them to aim at (and clear
ways to hit it).
The first step is to identify your common goal. Make it something positivethats more likely to bring out the best in people. Positive association
allows for proactive behavior, inventiveness, and creative collaboration.
Even in negative situations, a positive vision for the future keeps a group
clicking by giving them something to work toward.
Sometimes a negative focus can get a group going. When you play to
fears, offer worst-case scenarios, or create or promote a common enemy,
you will get people to focus on defeating the bad guy. This can be powerful
when a group is truly under siege, successfully rallying them for a fight. But
in doing so, they may suspend their creative and reasoning abilities in favor
of hyper-fixation on the villain. Ultimately, that will never sustain a click.
People do come together in a crisis, as we see in the outpouring of support for the victims of hurricanes, terror attacks, earthquakes, and the like.
Still, the best and most long-lasting efforts are in the service of something
positivemoving toward something better, not just away from something
bad. Fear will eventually exhaust itself, but desire is a sustainable motivation. Over the long haul, hope always trumps fear.
3. Treat people with respect.

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Treating people with respect sets the stage for them to respect you and your
vision, to be able to hear you and your invitations to click with the group.
Theres no call to value, admire, honor, or revere anyone more than he or
she has earned. But you do need to respect everyone as a person doing the
best she knows how if you expect to be able to create click. Treating all
group members with a basic level of respect means less conflict and more
productive engagement.
Everyone wants respect, and no one wants to lose it, but respect means
different things to different people. The best advice is to blend, turning the
Golden Rule into Respect others as they would have you respect them.

The more you know about the way a particular person

defines respect, the easier it is to give itand the easier
it is to notice when you receive it.

We all generally recognize respect from others when they dont do to us

what they wouldnt want us doing to them, like when they dont make promises they cant keep, or act out emotionally, or embarrass us in front of our
peers. The more you know about the way a particular person defines respect, however, the easier it is to give itand the easier it is to notice when
you receive it. One way to know what respect means to someone is to get
him talking about people he respects. Another is to notice how he treats
people he respects, and then treat him that way. You can also tell him you
want his respect, and ask him how you will know you have it.
Respecting group members can take different forms: keeping your distance while they do their work; only offering assistance when it is clearly
called for; offering praise and encouragement; talking them up to others.
Equally important is to avoid obvious signs of disrespect, like looking away
while speaking, talking down, and dismissing comments or ideas as worthless. You cant ignore, degrade, or discount someone (or their needs or values), especially in front of their peers, and expect them to click with anyone,
least of all you or your ideas.
4. Invite members contributions.

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To get a group of people to click with one another, seek out ways to increase
each ones participation in the group. People are more likely to participate
in a group when they feel they are valued members of the group and they
know that they are welcome to be themselves, think for themselves, and
speak for themselves. One of the best ways to support full participation by
implicitly addressing all of these things is to invite people to contribute information and ideasand to welcome that input when it comes. With this
kind of open exchange of ideas and information, group members who have
had the chance to personally make a difference in the process feel invested
in the groups results.

Invite people to contribute information and ideas

and welcome that input when it comes.

Most people have learned to discount their own ideas, usually as a defense mechanism against having them discounted by others. They fear that
speaking up will only get them shot down. Or they anticipate the pattern
German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer put this way: All truth passes
through three stages: First it is ridiculed. Second it is violently opposed.
Third it is accepted as being self-evident. Who wants to go through that?
So if you want people to contribute their ideas, how you handle those
contributions is key. Theres a simple three-step process you can use to greet
any idea with openness and respect, thereby encouraging continued
participation:
First, say what you like about it. Scrap the annual conference this year
in favor of a video conference? That strikes me as something that could save
a lot of money, not to mention all the time and effort that goes into planning
it.
Second, explain what you dont like about it. Im worried, though,
about whether we could really make the same connections if we dont meet
in person.

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Third (and finally), reveal what makes the idea interesting to you.
Heres what intrigues me: Would attendance decrease with the lack of a
central physical locationor increase once the necessity for travel was eliminated? So, hey, interesting idea, thanks for bringing it up!
This approach is especially useful in addressing an idea you fundamentally disagree with.
Listening in this way invites people to keep speaking up by engaging
them and showing that their idea has intrinsic worth.
5. Keep people in the loop.
To keep a group clicking, people need some perspective about the process
they are engaged in. Whats going on? Where are they now?
So spread the word. Let everyone know about positive results, resources
available, resources required, and lessons learned from mistakes made.
Share information so everyone can benefit. All of us are smarter than any of
us.
To successfully click, groups also need advance notice about change, with
enough time to consider it and put in their two cents as necessary. They
need to know they have a say. That doesnt mean they get their way. But
they do need a chance to weigh in. Not about every last thing, or at every
single step, but at key places and turning points, you need to keep everyone
in the loop.
When youve got something coming down the pike, give your group a
chance to click around it. You do this by asking group members for three
things:
1. To think about it.
2. To discuss it with one another.
3. To contribute their thoughts and ideas.
This creates a flow of ideas that can not only produce a click but also help
you clarify your own thoughts and perhaps make better, or at the very least
more informed, decisions. An open process like this also sends a message of
respect for the group. And it makes it more likely the group will be ready to
buy into the final result, whatever it may be.

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Roadblocks to Group Click

Inviting people to come together and apply their skill and ability to a common purpose is, unfortunately, not always quite enough on its own to bring
people together. When a group needs a little something extra to get it to
click, the two most common obstacles that must be overcome are force of
habit and cynicism.

Force of Habit
If a group is not clicking, it may simply be that theyve developed the habit
of not clicking. Or, it could be that particular habits of the group are blocking the clicklike how they run their meetings, or their process for bringing
new ideas to the fore, or the ways people come and go from the group. The
group might be operating in ways that keep members from clicking together, interfering with their ability to notice good ideas or new opportunities.
Sometimes groups cling to unproductive habits even when they are aware
they are less than ideal: It is force of habit that drives people to choose the
devil you know over the devil you dont.
In any case, developing new habits will be essential for clicking. Change
old habits by creating new ones. Habits take hold through repetition and
intensity.
We tend to acquire new habits in the pursuit of a higher purpose. We
learn new things, adopt new ideas, and become better at old things when we
have a good reason to. So, to move a group in a new direction, begin with
the end in mind. What common purpose do the group members share?
What puts everyone in the same boat of needing to change? Rather than
making a habit of pointing out old habits (and thus reinforcing them), you
begin a new habit by finding the tie that binds, and working forward from
there. When you have that point of focus, you can keep it in front of people,
tie conversations back to it, and remind people of it in every learning
opportunity.

Cynicism
Cynicism presents an even bigger challenge to group click. Particularly cynicism about clicking itself. If the attitude is, we havent clicked before, were
not going to click now, well . . . that is a self-fulfilling prophecy. The cynics

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who are certain nothing can possibly change will use that to justify contributing nothing of value themselves. Cynics find fault and use it to limit others good faith efforts. Cynics reflexively scorn the motives of others, which
is obviously not conducive to clicking.

Clearing the Roadblocks

To get past these obstacles, all you need are three basic strategies:
1. Be consistent.
Be sure the messages you send out are straightforward and consistent with
each other and with your actions. Your habits must match your values, and
your words must match your deeds. You need to live by the rules you set.
And you need to embody the ideas and values you want the group to click
around.

Your messages need to be straightforward and consistent

with each other and with your actions.

And straighten out mixed messages as soon as you become aware of

them. Dont just hope theyll go away! You need to address them in as
straightforward a fashion as you would anything else.
Mixed messages confuse people, and when they are confused, they become polarized and angry, or they collapse into silence and helplessness.
And they become cynical. The clicking stops.
The most common types of mixed messages are: You say one thing and
do another, or you insist one thing will happen, while any observer can see
something else entirely taking place. Mixed messages might be sent simultaneously (someone nodding yes while saying no) or sequentially (saying the
company values its employees on Monday and shifting jobs overseas on
Tuesday). Either way, in the resulting confusion, our ability to buy into a
shared focus falls by the wayside. You cant talk to the group about the importance of cutting costs then show up with a new laptop. Or exhort

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everyone to think outside the box yet meet every new idea with Thats not
how we do things.
To clear the air when its been fouled by mixed messages, you need to notice the mixed messages, point them out, and then straighten them out.
Watch for the confusion or cynicism mixed messages trigger, so you can
step in and address them. If something makes little sense and youre the
source of it, call attention to it quickly, to prevent conflicting signals from
messing with peoples minds. If someone else is the source of it, assume
good intent and then straighten out the mixed messages by separating the
different messages verbally and then asking how theyre connected. You
say you want to come at this a new way. But you keep referencing the old
way of doing it. Help me understand how these two ideas are related.
And make at least one of your messages that if people around you notice
any evidence of cynicism, they can help everyone out by drawing some attention to it and asking about it.
2. Destroy walls.
To get a group clicking again after its hit a roadblock, you need to eliminate
any barrier to successand brainstorm with the group about how to do so.
Without the necessary knowledge and resources, people in groups wont
be able to click properly. And if they dont have what they need already, they
need to know where to find it. Sometimes, that knowledge or those resources are on the other side of a walland nobody looks there because they
cant see them. To facilitate the click, get your group access to whatever it
needstear down any walls that stand in the way of progress. Remove any
barriers between the group and whatever it needs to work. Clear the way for
people to do what they know needs to be done.
To get things going again, first you need to identify the wall. You can tell
when people are up against a wall because they stop going forward. They
cant get what they need. They focus on territory rather than a plan or
purpose.
Now you can remove the wall youve found. The way to do that is to engage the people around the wall in finding a new way forward. The magic
words are, How can I help you get past this? and What will work better?
Keep the focus on replacing the wall with something helpful, rather than
dwelling on the existence of the wall.
Twenty years ago, a Hewlett-Packard manager explained to me his companys main approach for tearing down walls: Whenever someone makes

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an excuse, we do what we can to eliminate the source of it. If somebody

said, I dont like my hours, HP would respond with What hours would
you prefer? If someone said, I dont like this project, HP would ask What
project would you rather work on? If someone said he didnt like working
with his team, HP would find out who he would rather work with. With all
excuses removed, there was no reason not to perform at the highest level.
3. Build bridges.
Sometimes tearing down the walls wont be quite enough: Youll have to
build a bridge so the group can get from where it is to where it needs to go.
Bridges to get to resources, bridges to get resources to the group, bridges so
people can reach one another . . . You can help put everything they need to
succeed within their reach.
That kind of involvement and engagement in providing resources goes a
long way toward building the connective tissue of a group. And it comes
down to asking, listening, and taking action. Sometimes, the best question
to ask is What do you suggest? If many are involved, collect and collate all
the responses in order to identify the missing resources and how best to access them.
Most often, bridge-building is a matter of using your network to share
resources and information. The messages you need to send are You are not
alone, We are in this together, All of us are smarter and better together
than when we are on our own. The sum of the collective resources is always
greater than what any one person has access to apart from the group.

Give the People What They Want

You can facilitate a group click by keeping the group focused on what they
are doing and why. A clear common goalfor best results, a positive
onegives everyone a rallying point. Speaking and behaving consistently,
and treating people with respectincluding inviting everyones contributions and keeping everyone in the loopgives you the standing to get everyone pulling together. And to get them clicking again after theyve hit a roadblock. Theyll thank you for it. Left to their own devices, humans tend to act
as individuals, first and foremost. But deep down inside, most people really
want to participate with others, to engage in something larger than themselves. They want the group click.

Chapter 14
Why We Click
Ive been teaching communication and relationship skills for three decades
and all of my work is based on the idea that if people are going to get along
with each other and get things done together, they first have to click. In this
book, weve explored what it means to click: How to get people, how to get
them to get you, how to get them to get your ideas, and even how to get
them to get together.
Most of whats good and worthwhile in life begins with a click. People
need each other for their work to be satisfying, for their careers to advance,
for their lives to have meaning. Getting along with people is fundamental to
anyones happiness and success. The person who doesnt know how to get
along with people is going to have a tremendous amount of trouble getting
along in life.
It often seems clicking simply happens, but as this book shows, you dont
have to rely on fate, circumstance, or natural chemistry to connect with
someone. It may take determination and skill, but knowing how to click
means you have the right tools to work better with others, develop stronger
teams, and have a higher quality exchange of ideas and information. You
can connect with anyone.
Human beings are social by nature. All business is, ultimately, people
business. Its time to step out of your familiar behavior and practice what
youve learned. Its not just right for you, its something good you can do in
service to all of us. So take all of this information out into the world and
start clicking with more people, at home, at work, and in the community of
people that surrounds you. The more you try to click with others, the better
youll understand the tools and ideas presented here, and the more people
will click with you. Confidence comes from preparation, and being effective
is the result of practice. Its not enough to know what to do. Youve got to do
what you know to do in order to master it.
What exactly you do from herehow exactly you use clickis entirely up
to you. You can work better with others and get better results. You can

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develop stronger partnerships and teams. You can have a higher quality exchange of ideas and information, resolve interpersonal problems, and play a
bigger part in what goes on around you. Best of all, you can start and build
relationships that become real friendships, the kind that last a lifetime.
All change for the better has to start somewhere. Let your change start
right here.
Click!

Acknowledgments
First a big thank you to Martha and Peter DAdamo, who connected me with
my wonderful agent, Janis Vallely. Much appreciation to Janis, who clicked
with the idea for the book, and helped so expertly to bring it to life. Thanks
also to Colleen Kapklein for her insightful editing, help in developing the
framework, and ability to find just the right words to express my ideas; to
Kate Griffin, who patiently contributed suggestions that have made the book
stronger and more valuable to readers; to my good friend Hal Dresner, for
his intelligence, wit, and many useful suggestions along the way.
Im deeply grateful to my wife, Lindea, whose steady spirit, patience, and
love of community inspired me throughout; my daughter, mother, father,
and siblings, whose relentless confidence in me keeps the wind in my sails;
to Jon Peters for his friendship and support; to the helpful program chairs
at the Institute for Management Studies for their permission and assistance
in developing different portions of this material; to my cat, Rollie, whose
playful companionship made the writing more enjoyable. Thanks also to the
many people who contributed stories and examples, or tested the reliability
of this work.
All together, their enthusiastic belief in this project gives me a persistent
hope that we can indeed make the world a better place through engagement
with each other and participation in ever expanding networks and
communities.

Rick Kirschner
Ashland, Oregon

About the Author

Dr. Rick Kirschner is the author or coauthor of seven books, including
the international bestseller Dealing with People You Cant Stand. He is
also a popular coach, consultant, and public speaker, and has worked with
some of the worlds biggest and best known organizations, including Starbucks, Heineken, NASA, Providence Healthcare, and the U.S. Army. An
interpersonal communication expert, Kirschner has been featured in many
high-profile media outlets, including NPR, CNBC, NBC, Fox, the Wall
Street Journal, and USA Today. He is also a faculty member at the Institute for Management Studies. Kirschner lives with his wife in Ashland,
Oregon.
www.theartofchange.com

Praise for
How to Click with People
Clicking with people isnt something that just happens, or doesnt. In this practical and engaging new book, Dr. Rick Kirschner gives readers the skills they
need to stop depending on chance and start actively clicking with people at work
and in life.
Stephen Lundin,
bestselling coauthor of Fish!
Both enjoyable to read and full of easy-to-apply ideas, How to Click with People
is a comprehensive explanation of how to connect with the people in your life. If
you want to build better relationships, I recommend it.
Mark Sanborn,
bestselling author of The Fred Factor
Wise people know that the future is all about people, and Rick Kirschners new
book, How to Click with People, is a must-read for anyone who wants to understand and use the transformative power of relationships both in business and in
life.
Daniel Burrus,
author of the New York Times bestseller Flash Foresight
This book is bursting with insight into what it takes to win with people. Absorb
the wisdom, apply the plentiful strategies, and youll undoubtedly see your relationships improve.
Dr. Travis Bradberry,
bestselling coauthor of Emotional Intelligence 2.0
In todays crazy-busy business environment, building strong relationships with
frazzled customers and coworkers is essential to your success. Kirschner shows
you practical strategies to quickly click with even the most challenging
individuals.

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Jill Konrath,
author of SNAP Selling and Selling to Big Companies
It is indisputable that people want to interact with people they like. It makes
sense, therefore, to like and be liked by as many people as possible. Dr.
Kirschners book, How to Click with People, is an insightful, rewarding, and productive way to create rapport with a large number of people.
Dr. Tony Alessandra,
author of The Platinum Rule and Charisma
This compelling look at clicking with people and building the personal side of
business will help readers build connections quickly, develop stronger partnerships and teams, and have a higher quality exchange of ideas and information.
This book will find use in the hands of any serious business professional with the
desire to be proactive in all of their relationships.
Andrea Sittig-Rolf,
author of Power Referrals
As a bestselling author, I receive lots of manuscripts for new books, most of
which I view without high expectations. This book is different, though. It is very
readable and filled with story after story of how a minor adjustment on your part
can reap major rewards in dealing with the worlds most challenging people and
situations. So if you are a negotiator, a salesperson, a manager, coach, or parent,
you will love this book!
Jim Cathcart,
author of The Eight Competencies of Relationship Selling
Anyone who intends to lead in this increasingly connected world must master
the art of building and developing offline relationships. Dr. Rick Kirschners engaging book, How to Click with People, provides the essential set of people skills
to achieve this necessary result.
Rob Cross, professor of management,
University of Virginia,
and coauthor of Driving Results Through Social Networks
What would your life be like if you clicked with people 50 percent more of the
time or 100 percent or even 500 percent? Who would you know? How would
your career change? What would your personal life be like? How could you better help others? With Dr. Kirschners new book youll learn how to authentically

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click with more people more of the time and do so in a way that is true and
totally you!
Vince Thompson,
author of Ignited
As our world becomes more connected through social networking, the ability to
create a deeper connection or, as Rick explains, click on a richer, more meaningful level is becoming a lost art. Whether at home or in the office, How to Click
with People provides practical, worthwhile solutions so that you can make the
impact you want in every conversation and interaction you have, regardless of
the type of person you encounter. Discover what the best communicators do so
that you can create more satisfaction, fulfillment, and success in your life.
Keith Rosen,
author of Coaching Salespeople into Sales Champions
How to Click with People is a thoroughly enjoyable tour through the art and science of why and how we resonate with each other. In this age of cascading connectivity and intimacy, a book such as this could not have arrived at a more auspicious time, and Dr. Rick Kirschner is perhaps the only person who could have
written it. It will refine your entrepreneurial skills, improve your professional
communications and help you to become an attentive, more engaging friend.
Highly recommended.
Dr. Peter DAdamo,
bestselling author of Eat Right 4 Your Type
Weve all been there. You enter the room and youre immediately drawn to
someone, or perhaps repulsed. Its an innate response, internal and subconscious. Its not just about how they look or act, but about how they click. Dr.
Kirschners latest book describes this mysterious ability to connect with others.
He explains how to discover it within yourself and how to create that ability if
you dont already have it. Its a must-read for anyone who deals with people at
work, though socially it is almost as important.
Jon Peters, CEO of AthenaOnline and
president of the Institute for Management Studies
Kirschner presents a useful (and usable) model for understanding how to connect with people. His organized approach and clear writing provide an orderly
framework for analyzing your communications with others and adjusting your

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responses. While his ideas seem so logical, these insights arent common sense.
This book is a methodology for building bridges with people of all types.
Cary Gutbezahl, MD,
president and CEO of Compass Clinical Consulting

Also by Dr. Rick Kirschner

Dealing with People You Cant Stand
Dealing with Relatives
Life by Design
Mighty Manager: 24 Lessons
Love Thy Customer
Insiders Guide to the Art of Persuasion
Insiders Playbook

Copyright
Copyright 2011 Dr. Rick Kirschner
All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the
U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication
may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in
any form or by any means, or stored in a database or
retrieval system, without the prior written permission
of the publisher. For information address Hyperion,
114 Fifth Avenue, New York, New York 10011.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
has been applied for.
Hardcover ISBN: 978-1-4013-2320-2
eBook Edition ISBN: 978-1-4013-0383-9
Hyperion books are available for special promotions
and premiums. For details contact the HarperCollins
Special Markets Department in the New York office
at 212-207-7528, fax 212-207-7222, or email [email protected].
Cover design by GTC Art and Design
Cover illustration by Getty Images
First eBook Edition

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Original hardcover edition printed in the United

States of America.
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