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Girl Power: Buddies Friends for Life!

I grew up with the best friends
that anyone can have. We are a
many years will pass; our soul will
be together in one place and at the
Pals make the
world go round
Make Better
total of six girls sharing the same same time...
good and bad memories that will – Samira Elghoul, Public Relations
Preschoolers able to coordi-
last forever. Life has set us apart in Executive
nate play with a friend, manage
distance but not in soul. Whenever
conflicts, and keep an interaction
By Vani Sar aswathi I get back to my home country we
positive in tone are most likely as
all gather no matter what. Having
teenagers to avoid the negative
such friends makes me feel so
sibling interaction that can some-
happy deep inside and
times launch children on a path of
sad at the same time
antisocial behaviours, according
because I miss them.
to scientists at the University of
The most precious thing
Illinois.
is whenever someone
“When early friendships are suc-
has a problem they all get
cessful, young children get the
united to help you and to
chance to master sophisticated
cheer you up. No matter
social and emotional skills, even
how long the distance will
more than they do with a parent,”
be, and no matter how
said Laurie Kramer, a professor
of applied family studies and co-
friendships in other parents at – my husband’s author of the research.
the child’s school, or with the friends’ wives, my daughters’ The research also showed chil-
wives of the husband’s colleagues. It friends’ parents. But when I want a dren who had a positive relation-
is not a bad place to start, if you can ship with a best friend before the
pal, someone to hang out with, some-

M
birth of a sibling ultimately had
ost women, in the forest waiting for others to come to manage to strike a bond that is not one who is there only as my friend,
a good relationship with their
throes of a great you. You have to go to them some- merely a convenience. and for no other links, I feel terribly sibling that lasted throughout
friendship may swear times, my six-year-old’s good friend, When at a loss for the right expres- lonely here.” adolescence, Kramer said.
the ‘forevers’, but it Winnie the Pooh says. sion or words, always revert to Kahlil Kramer said the 13-year study also
only takes a change in routine, or For women who have made a Gibran: “Friendship is always a sweet Friendship: The first casualty of showed early friendships predict
shift in attitude for things to fall move due to work and/or marriage, responsibility, never an opportunity.” change? future competence in other sorts
Vee, 33, who moved here with her “Any big personal change will lead to of relationships and fewer behav-
apart. Winnie’s advice should be taken to
husband and works in a shipping iour problems and less depression
Anne Morrow Lindbergh, pioneer- heart. You can’t move into a new city a disruption in relationships around
or anxiety later in life.
ing American aviator, author, and and wait for the community to roll company, feels that often the reverse you,” says C P Abbasi.
the spouse of fellow aviator Charles out a red carpet for you. You need to is true here. “Half the people you “When we came here six years ago, one has a child, the other is bound to
Lindbergh, rightly said, “Men kick knock on the neighbour’s door, walk hang out with here, you would barely we managed to meet up with a bunch feel excluded.
friendship around like a football, but into a colleague’s cubicle, make the gel with back home. It’s always trying of like-minded people, and had a I remember an ex-colleague, who
it doesn’t seem to crack. Women treat first greeting at the PTA... you can’t to make do and get along with what great time. Some of us were married had just had a baby, breaking down
it like glass and it goes to pieces.” stay in your corner. are or who is available.” and some not. There were no children in office over an email. Her best
And that’s exactly what happens Those who have lived in Qatar Of course, there are many who in the equation. And then when I friend of 15 years had sent her a
– it goes to pieces. How many times all their lives probably continue to have built great friendships here in a got pregnant, the priorities changed, ‘rude’ mail asking her not to send
have you heard women say, “We were strengthen the bonds they have made strange land (see boxes). and we no longer fit in quite as well... pictures of the baby every week, as
such good friends, and then I moved/ over the years. But what about those It is actually what a WT colleague With a newborn in hand you can’t “I am your friend, and want to know
she had a child/ we switched jobs...” of us who have moved here for better said that triggered this article in just take off for a midnight barbecue about you, not what your baby does
It is not about the frequency of opportunities? the first place. “I am friendly with or late night binges.” every minute of the day.”
‘keeping in touch’ that matters, but Many of the women I know are my colleagues, have a great work- This is not a unique situation. Even Sounds rude? But think again, and
the need and wish to do so. here because their husbands have ing relationship with them. I get with friends who have been together to use a cliche, switch places... ‘New
You can’t stay in your corner of the moved here on work, so they seek along well with the ‘family friends’ since their knickerbockers days, when Mum’ feels ‘Old friend’ is being in-

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A Matter of Solidarity Letting go

It wasn’t until I went to a women’s college that I under- Sometimes, even with the best of
stood there could be solidarity among women. Previously friends there may come a time to
all the girls I knew only wanted to compare lipsticks and let go.
be assured theirs was better. But at college I It is only natural for a friend
learned women can support, encour- to be threatened by another’s
age, and nurture each other, much more success. Jealousy is only human
easily without the competition for men. nature. But when that gets out of
Now, I don’t know what I’d do without hand, and no resolution can be
my girlfriends to hash and rehash funny, found, you need to get out of the
terrible, and exciting moments with. relationship before it does more
– Mohanalakshmi Rajakumar, Educational aron harm and no good.
als Sh
Consultant, Qatar University ) w ith p t out in
e
entr irls’ nigh Is the feeling being reciprocated?
na (c a g
Moh chel at a If you are realise that you are
d R a
an only an unwitting part of a ‘only
sensitive and unsupportive. But ‘Old thing ago)
Chic for convenience relationship’,
friend’ worries that she has lost her we do is let go
then it is best to maintain a little
best friend forever, as from now on it of friend- ships with
distance.
is not the friends desires, wishes and other women. That’s really a mistake Have you noticed how some
fears that she will share, but that of because women are such a source of ‘friends’ are not there through
her children. First day in school, first strength to each other. We nurture the good and the bad... in fact,
date, and so on... one another. And we need to have they prefer the latter. The dwell
Science proves that friends counter unpressured space in which we on bad situations and thrive to
stress (details below), but then why is can do the special kind of talk that be the ‘strong shoulder’. Friends
it hard to hold on to them? women do when they’re with other are for more than a good cry,
they are equally important for a
Co-author of Best Friends: The women. It’s a healing experience.”
good laugh. If yours is bent upon
Pleasures and Perils of Girls’ and Wom- Hind Mishael S, a 25-year-old only seeing the dark clouds,
en’s Friendships, Dr Ruthellen Jos- working mother, says her girl cousins then its time to re-evaluate. Are
selson says “Every time we get overly and sisters have been her closest they getting you down instead of
busy with work and family, the first friends and support group. perky?
Before you write-off any relation-
ship, keep this in mind: People
Diversity Delight change. If you have known
Someone once the years including college, colony someone for a decade or more,
rightly said and and workplace. We have stayed chances are the person is vastly
I quote, “True with each other through thick and different now from what they
friendship is thin and hope to remain that way. were earlier. So don’t hang on
like sound health; the value of it is After coming to Qatar, I realised to ‘perceptions’ and ‘what was’,
seldom known until it be lost.” that you need not speak the same and see the real picture.
My friends are my true wealth and language, belong to the same reli-
without them, life would seem like gion or even follow the same tradi- “I can’t identify with those who
a hopeless journey. I found my first tions, all you need is to understand move a lot. This is my home. Of
true best friend in the Grade V and each other – that is the ingredient course, I have friends from school
ever since we have been in touch. for everlasting friendship. I have
and work, but given the society we
There came a time when we didn’t been fortunate to make some good
see each other for 10 years but that friends, both Indians and Lebanese live in, I spend most of my time with
didn’t make our friendship weaker, at my workplace. my family, and my best pals are those
instead it became stronger. And – Priya Nambiar, Senior Account from within. I have friends from
same goes for friends I made over Manager, Asdaa PR other nationalities, but I do feel that
they can’t understand our experiences

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There have been bitter fights They shape who we are and who we the body to either stand and fight
Men Make Better Friends (emails can exaggerate an issue or are yet to be. They soothe our tumul- or flee as fast as possible,” explains
At first thought she became my closest confidante, So she took a week off from work trivialise a problem), misunder- tuous inner world, fill the emotional Laura Cousin Klein, Ph.D, one of the
your ques- my best friend, my everything. As and hopped on the plane to come standings, some falling out... that’s gaps in our marriage, and help us study’s authors. It’s an ancient sur-
tion should be for best friends who are not my to Doha. What makes us such close what friends are for, right? remember who we really are. By the vival mechanism left over from the
relatively easy to relatives -- my children’s babysitter. friends...I think it’s the fact that we
It is not about loving and under- way, they may do even more. time we were chased across the planet
answer; but for me it wasn’t. I guess She spent so much time with me are so different: different religions,
that’s because I still believe in the when I first became a single mother races, cultures and backgrounds. So standing each other all the time, A landmark UCLA (University of by sabre-toothed tigers.
cliche that a women’s best friend is and soon our relationship grew from there is never any competition or but it is about allowing each other California Los Angeles) study says Now the researchers suspect that
her mother. But in my case it isn’t. her being a caretaker, to being my jealousy between us because our to just be, without fear of being that friendships between women are women have a larger behavioural
I think my rebellious teenage years closest friend. How close? Well my outlook our goals are so different in judged or condemned. special. repertoire than just fight or flight;
scarred the relationship beyond dear friend who had only left the the way we define things. We have I have to thank that gang of bud- The study states that scientists feel “In fact,” says Dr Klein, “it seems
repair, between my mother and me. United States once in her life, took the same goals but defined by our dies for helping me in my relation- “hanging out with friends can actu- that when the hormone oxytocin is
So who is my best female friend? It a plane and came all the way to backgrounds differently. I definitely ships here, to accept that it takes all ally counteract the kind of stomach- released as part of the stress responses
was definitely my grandmother. As a Doha to visit me after we had been think that friendships with men is
kindS to make the world, and it is quivering stress most of us experience in a woman, it buffers the fight or
child I use to spend all the holidays here for a few months. Because I easier. Maybe again because of our
with her and even get off the bus was having trouble adapting and I differences, our different ways of not so much about being alike, on a daily basis.” flight response and encourages her
after school just to go with her and felt depressed and lonely. And well defining ourselves and our goals. but about liking what the other The study suggested that women to tend children and gather with
spend time. As the years went by she realised I needed some support. – Phaedra Al Majid, Freelance Writer person is. respond to stress with a cascade of other women instead. When she
brain chemicals that cause us to make actually engages in this tending or
Girlfriends are stress busters and maintain friendships with other befriending, studies suggest that
and practices. I cannot imagine how
I would survive without my group of Nomads United Every woman can vouch for this: women. It’s a stunning find that has more oxytocin is released, which
Girlfriends are critical to good turned five decades of stress research further counters stress and produces a
sisters/ friends. We are there for each I have a dear Canadian friend, Vicki, in Paris – there are a myriad of pic-
who my mother picked up years ago tures and corners and we each went mental health. – most of it on men – upside down. calming effect. This calming response
other 24/7. We don’t owe each other
in New Zealand and brought home off separately to explore. We met You don’t need a therapist if you “Until this study was published, does not occur in men, says Dr Klein,
explanations or justifications. I feel
(she was laying her sleeping bag completely coincidentally under the have a good friend... someone you scientists generally believed that because testosterone – which men
truly blessed to have them with me.
under a tree where she was about same canvas titled: From Madness can open up to without fear of when people experience stress, they produce in high levels when they’re
“I have a few colleagues, who after to spend the night, they argued but to No-madness. We will always be judgement. trigger a hormonal cascade that revs under stress – seems to reduce the
marriage and moving out of their my mother was adamant). Vicki was nomads crossing each other’s paths.
family home, feel lonely. They feel 25, I was 16 and it was pretty safe – Jane England, Journalist & Traveller-
they have lost a support system. They for a young woman to sleep under a at-Large Working Magic
need to realise it takes effort to main- tree back then. She became part of My strongest sister-like-friendship are closer than ever supporting one to mind an Arabic Proverb, “A friend
tain relationships, so if they have our family and my mentor. She went started with a big fight 10 years ago! another as twin sisters. As cliche as is one to whom one may pour out
other priorities in life, it is up to them home to the tune of our sobbing. I We were colleagues and worked it may sound, I trust her with my life. all the contents of one’s heart, chaff
visited her in Canada and she in the same division but for differ- She is there for me no matter what and grain together, knowing that the
to organise themselves and find time
visited me in NZ. She ent branches and we were asked to and she proved it numerous times. gentlest of hands will take and sift
for friends. You cannot take friend- brought her 16-year-old present marketing ideas to launch She walked in and helped me when it, keep what is worth keeping and
ships for granted.” daughter, Kate, to Samoa a specific service. Being young the rest of the world walked out...! with a breath of kindness blow the
when we lived there, and highly ambitious we ended up The moral of the story? We rest away.”
A personal note that daughter is now sabotaging each other’s ideas and shouldn’t judge – Anna-Denise Ioannou, General
I have a group of eight friends. The married and is another proposals and not to mention mak- others by the Manager, Action PR, Qatar
degree of closeness between each of my friends. We don’t ing a fool of each other. It was like cover and first
know where we’ll meet ades being in the kinder garden – the only impressions
of us is different, but as a group we back dec
up next... goes thing missing was throwing food and – every human
just fit right. There are some I have that
One significant mo- e (inset) paint at each other’s face! Evidently, being has an
known for about 18 years, since h Jan
ment was when we vis- link wit the result was none of us succeeding abundance of
school, and others I met at college te. A
ited the Musee d’Orsay i and Ka anything but our manager put us in love and only
about 15 years ago. Vick the same team for the next project. needs to be al-
We have been in different places cult marriages, children too soon, jobs but no social life. Through I guess she realised that this passion lowed to express
over this long run – geographically, delayed pregnancy, not finding it all, we have each other’s virtual should be released in a positive way it.
emotionally, professionally – diffi- right professional breaks, jet setting shoulders to lean on. – and that was it. Since that day we And it brings Anna with her girls in London

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The Warmest Feeling

There are definitely some close with each other until the moment appears to be one of the difficult
friends that I grew up with, or that I that I moved to another house (in the things when you go live abroad: to
met during the time I went to univer- same little town though), then we share with the people back home
sity and lived on my own in Amster- started talking! From the moment we what the life you’re living now is all
dam. Friends that I lost contact with first started to talk to each other, it about. Because it is so totally differ-
because they moved to another city, felt like we were very much alike in ent now, it’s really hard to share it
or because one got married and got a lot of ways. Some sort of recogni- with them and there can be a lot of
kids while the other did not, or just tion I would say. Two years later I misunderstanding.
because we choose to take different moved to Qatar with my family and I realised that it was very important
paths in life. I had to leave behind my family and to me to have someone that I really
There is one friend that is very friends, which I found hard. This care about and that has actually
important to me now. girlfriend, Els, was one of the people seen/experienced the life that I am
I met her some six years ago. She who had been of great support in living now. It certainly intensified our
came to live with her husband and that time. Although she’s the kind relationship. After that first visit, Els
two kids across the street from my of person that is not too keen on came again half a year later and she
house in a nice quiet town in The travelling, she decided to come and will be coming back in November.
Netherlands. We never visit me in Qatar, only three months It’s so much easier when I call her at
really got into contact after we had moved to Doha. She home and we chat about our every
loved being here day life issues. She really under-
and it felt so good stands what I’m going through here.
to have her around She knows about the Doha traffic,
in my totally new the schools, the heat, the housing,
world; even for the hassles. So in fact, sometimes
a week. It felt so you might loose a friend because
good being able to you’re moving to the next village and
show her where I on the other hand a friendship can
live now, where I intensify even when you move to the
do my shopping, other end of the world.
where my kids go – Annemieke van Noort, Freelance
Annemieke (left) with Els, chilling out in Doha
to school etc. That Photographer and Writer

effects of oxytocin. Oestrogen seems Pals help you live longer and better study, those who had the most friends
to enhance it.” By not including women in stress over a 9-year period cut their risk of
The discovery that women respond research, scientists had made a death by more than 60 percent.
to stress differently was a ‘Eureka’ huge mistake: The fact that women Friends are also helping us live
moment.“There was this joke that respond to stress differently than men better. A Nurses’ Health Study from
when the women who worked in has significant implications for our Harvard Medical School found that
the lab were stressed, they came health. the more friends women had, the less
in, cleaned the lab, had coffee, and This may also explain why women likely they were to develop physical
bonded,” says Dr Klein. When the consistently outlive men. Study impairments as they aged. In fact,
men were stressed, they holed up after study has found that social ties the results were so significant, the
somewhere on their own. “I com- reduce our risk of disease by lower- researchers concluded, that not hav-
mented one day to fellow researcher ing blood pressure, heart rate, and ing close friends or confidants was as
Shelley Taylor that nearly 90 percent cholesterol. detrimental to your health as smok-
of the stress research is on males. I In one study, for example, research- ing or carrying extra weight.
showed her the data from my lab, and ers found that people who had no And that’s not all. When the
the two of us knew instantly that we friends increased their risk of death researchers looked at how well the
were onto something.” over a 6-month period. In another women functioned after the death of

NOVEMBER 2007 38
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If you can’t say it, sing it!

With a Little Help From My Friends recorded by Rod Stewart for the dard. Club Nouveau took it back
– Beatles – 1967 soundtrack to the movie Night Shift to #1 in 1987 with a more upbeat
Yes, indeed, friends can help get in 1982. The song was written by version.
you through times of romantic legends Burt Bacharach and Carole
trouble. Just ask Ringo. “With a Bayer Sager. Dionne Warwick Thank You for Being a Friend – An-
Little Help From My Friends,” in its entered the studio with Elton John, drew Gold – 1978
definitive version by the Beatles, Gladys Knight and Stevie Wonder to An entire generation knows this
was never released as a single. record the song as a benefit for the song as the theme song to the TV
However, Joe Cocker took a version American Foundation for AIDS Re- show Golden Girls from a version
of the song onto the pop charts in search, and pop music history was recorded by Cindy Fee.
1968. made. The single spent 4 weeks at However, the song first entered the
#1 and earned 2 Grammy Awards. public conscience in a 1978 version
Wind Beneath My Wings – Bette by the song’s writer, pop musician
Midler – 1989 I’ll Be There for You – The Andrew Gold. The song is a perfect
This song had a rather humble Rembrandts – 1995 expression of gratitude to those trea-
beginning. It was written by Larry Best known as the theme song for sured people we call friends.
Henley and Jeff Silbar and was the TV series Friends, “I’ll Be There
first recorded in 1982. Lou Rawls for You” was written specifically for You’ve Got a Friend – James Taylor
brought it into the pop singles chart the show by Michael Skloff and Al- – 1971
at #65 in 1983. Country singer Gary lee Willis. There were no plans ini- This song was written by Carole
Morris took it into the country top tially to release the song as a single, King and included on her landmark
10 the same year. However, it was but demand from fans eventually album Tapestry released in 1971.
Bette Midler’s performance of the forced the Rembrandts to record The definitive version was recorded
song as a eulogy for a friend in the a full-length version and the song, by King’s friend James Taylor and his
movie Beaches that made the song in a commercial version, reached recording of “You’ve Got a Friend”
an unforgettable classic. “Wind the pop top 20. In a similar vein to hit #1 in 1971. It is Taylor’s only #1
Beneath My Wings” won a Grammy the show, “I’ll Be There for You” cel- pop single.
Award for Record of the Year. ebrates the humour in friendship. “You’ve Got a Friend” has been
recorded many times since by artists
That’s What Friends Are Lean On Me – Bill Withers – 1972 ranging from Barbra Streisand to
For – Dionne Warwick and Friends Soul legend Bill Withers introduced Yemeni singer Ofra Haza.
– 1986 this song in the early 1970’s It went Few other songs come close to this
This classic affirmation of the sup- straight to #1 on the pop chart and song’s simple poignance of friends
port friendship provides was first became a contemporary pop stan- helping and supporting each other.

their spouse, they found that even in the greatest friendships have been An Associate Professor in the Fac-
the face of this biggest stressor of all, between men. The male friendship is ulty of Social Science at the University
those women who had a close friend usually portrayed as the most unself- of Iceland, Reykjavik, Dr Traustadut-
and confidante were more likely to ish and perhaps the highest form of tir explains, “Women describe their
survive the experience without any human relationship, while women’s friendships in terms of closeness and
new physical impairments or perma- friendships have been devalued and emotional attachment. What char-
nent loss of vitality. seen as frivolous and superficial. acterises friendships between women
“A group of women friends is not seen is the willingness to share important
Stereotypes and myths as a team of colleagues, but as the feelings, thoughts, experiences, and
Dr Rannveig Traustadottir, who “girls” trooping off to gossip, exchange support. Women devote a good deal of
published a report Women’s Friend- recipes, and talk about trivia of fashion, time and intensity of involvement to
ships – Gender Patterns, says history cooking, or dieting over tea. Studies friends. Friendships between women,
does not celebrate female friendships. indicate that many of these stereotypes more so than between men, are broad
“There is a long standing myth that about women’s friendships still exist.” and less likely to be segmented.”

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