AVOID BEING A PUSH OVER

Are you the passive type of man who, despite your best
intentions, lets others walk all over you? If your friends and
colleagues view you as the peacemaker, the one who won't
rock the boat or the man who never says "no," maybe it's
time to change.
Think about how you routinely react when you're cut in front
of in a line, or if someone walks up behind you and orders a
drink after you've been waiting patiently to get the
bartender's attention. You might say such things don't bother
you, but maybe that's just to save face. And these
frustrations, no matter how petty they may seem, may be
affecting your health more than you know.
Suppose that, every year, it falls on your shoulders to
organize the playoff pool. On the surface, it's a small thing,
but you may start to resent it if it makes you feel like you're
allowing others to take advantage of you. And what about
your career? Business leaders can empathize and seek
collaboration and teamwork, but ultimately must take
responsibility and make decisions for themselves. Stop
wavering and take charge.
It's great to be perceived as a nice guy, but if achieving that
image comes at the expense of your self-confidence, physical
health, career goals, and the success of your interpersonal
relationships, you need an injection of backbone. By our
actions, we teach people how to treat us. You can adjust your
behavior and change their attitudes toward you. Here are
some tips to avoid being a pushover. Know your goals
Maybe you know that you don't like being pushed around, but
have become so accustomed to it that you're not sure what
you should be striving for. Developing a more assertive
attitude should allow you to do the following: Take back
control of your rights and stop being walked all over.
Regain respect and stop allowing people to take
advantage of you.
Change people's perception of you from weak to
assertive.
Increase your self-confidence and sense of pride.
Assert yourself
Now you know your goals; it's time to set about accomplishing
them. Seven simple steps can take you from being a guy who
gets walked all over to one who stands his ground.
1- Express yourself
Listen to your instincts. When something bothers you or you
feel you've been wronged, it's best to speak up right away.
This might take some practice. If you miss your chance on the
spot, plan your strategy to bring up the issue privately later.
Ask for a meeting with your colleague and explain how you
feel about short deadlines with no advance notice. Tell your
girlfriend you didn't like her regaling everyone at the dinner
table with details about your sex life. You need to speak up.
Discuss these issues calmly, without accusations, and you will
reduce your own tension and gradually change how others
perceive and treat you.
2- Stop being agreeable
No matter how hard you try, you can't please everyone all the
time. When your thoughtfulness and reluctance to hurt other
people's feelings start to impact your own well-being, it's time
to start looking out for No. 1.
If your girlfriend picks fights over ridiculous issues and your
response is to avoid confrontation by apologizing and saying
she's right, maybe she's just as sick of your attitude as you
should be. In fact, maybe she persists in her nitpicking
because she's trying to force you to take a stand on
something anything! Stand up for yourself, express your
opinions and say "no" once in a while. If the relationship is
worth saving, she'll respect you much more for your
confidence than for being a wimp. You needn't be assertive all
the time...

3- Pick your battles

Don't practice your newfound assertiveness in a situation
involving a crazed driver, or you might become a road rage
victim. In the same vein, think twice before emphatically
saying "no" to your boss. It might be career suicide. Use
caution around people who might be mentally unstable. In
routine matters, though, stop avoiding confrontations just
because you're afraid of others' reactions. If your wife keeps
taking the sports car and you're always stuck with the
minivan, speak up and work out a compromise. Keep small
irritants from needlessly escalating into explosive arguments.
4- Start small
It might be easier to practice your assertiveness with a
stranger, as friends and family have come to expect a certain
non-confrontational, meek, wishy- washy brand of behavior
from you. Overcome your reluctance to put your needs first in
less familiar situations. If your doctor prescribes a suspiciously
large myriad of medical tests, ask if they are really necessary.
Don't placidly accept a diagnosis without fully understanding
it, or you'll find yourself getting stressed about the worst-case
scenario. Stop avoiding that panhandler near your building
because you resent all the money you've given him. Just look
him in the eye, wish him a nice day and don't feel guilty about
your decision to stop supporting him.
5- Be firm
In your confrontations, you always want to maintain a
balanced reaction, subdued yet steady. Clearly state what you
want, need and expect. You don't want to come off looking like
a psycho. You're establishing a new behavior pattern here, so
people will be caught off-guard. If they try to cajole you and
insist that you're a pushover, don't fall for emotional
blackmail. If your roommate has friends over so often that you
feel like a visitor in your own place, stand your ground. Tell
him you feel like you're back in college finding the sock on the
doorknob. If you don't express yourself, you cannot expect
others to change how they relate to you.
6- Be persistent and resilient
Abandoning your formerly soft self won't be accomplished
overnight; you must constantly remind yourself to do these
things in order to effectively change your ways. People in your
entourage will likely notice that you're suddenly acting
differently. After all, although you've been thinking certain
things for a long time, you've never voiced them. Don't let
their confused reactions dissuade you from your goals. Your
girlfriend is chronically late and you've long resented being
made to wait. She needs to understand that you expect her to
respect your time and honor her commitments. Remember, in
addition to changing yourself, you're retraining other people
on how to relate to you. It won't always be easy, but if you
focus on the benefits to your emotional and physical health,
you'll see that it's worth it.
7- Change your surroundings
As a last resort, change your circle of friends, end an
unhealthy relationship or find a new job. If you can't get the
respect you deserve from someone because they persist in
viewing you as a weakling, it's a relationship not worth
pursuing. When you meet new people, set the precedent from
the beginning. Now that you're conscious of the difference
between being easygoing and being walked all over, you can
establish healthier interpersonal relationships.
mr. nice guy within reason
If you keep accepting being pushed over, no one will ever take
you seriously. You can still be a thoughtful partner, a caring
relative, an interested friend, an enthusiastic participant, a
dependable employee, and generally an all-around great guy.
Just remember that you deserve to feel appreciated, not used.
Change for the better by becoming more assertive. You'll be
miserable if you don't. With some practice, you'll soon find

that you're less tense when expressing your feelings and more
confident in your business and personal relationships. Don't
be surprised if people start looking at you differently, with
increased respect and admiration, when you stop being a
pushover.
6 TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU MUST LEARN TO SAY NO
Most people these days are having a hard time saying no. We
seem to put other peoples happiness and convenience over
our own. May it be because we love them, and we just want to
keep pleasing them, or because were afraid to disappoint
them.
Even though your gut tells you it doesnt feel right and
sometimes even to the point that you know youre being
taken advantage of, you still let yourself get pushed around.
But who are we kidding? The moment we let people have
what they want against our better judgment, we know
instantly that its plain wrong.
I, for one, always had a hard time asserting myself. I almost
always said yes to my boss who had given me extra work
while remaining underpaid, or to boyfriends who had
prioritized their needs over my own. I thought keeping people
happy was part of being a good person.
Sometimes, even if those people wouldnt reciprocate, I
thought giving was the right thing to do. However, the
expression, Todays exception is tomorrows expectation
rings true. Some of those people whose needs I chose to put
before my own simply made it a habit to keep taking without
giving back.
I thought Id be happy, but surprise, surprise: I wasnt. I got
tired of it and decided to take charge. It wasnt as quick of a
realization as a blink of an eye, however.
First, I had to recognize what my own needs were. Do they
clash with what others are expecting of me? Second, I had to
recognize which people have the tendency to take and not
give back. Do I keep doing them favors? How do I confront
them about it?
Third, I had to recognize the difference between being
diplomatic and being a selfish bitch. So, the change shouldnt
mean that every time I do others a favor, I have to get
something in return. Not at all.
This time I just needed to recognize what possible
expectations and consequences may arise from doing people
favors. I should just be as equally as happy and pleased as I
make them, so that no one feels he or she is being taken
advantage of.
How about you? Do you think of yourself as a yes man or
woman? Do you think in your life there are people who tend to
take advantage of you? How have you dealt with them so far?

time and encouraged her to earn it from getting a job,

instead.
With friends
Luckily, I dont run into a lot of issues with my friends, partly
because Im good at reading people when I first meet them. If
you have a friend who seems to pop out only when he or
she needs a job referral, tickets to this weekends event or a
ride home, stay away.
With your SO
This becomes tricky if you really do love giving, especially in
the bedroom. Its all fun and games until you realize the last
time you came was when you played with yourself, and he or
she hasnt made any loving effort to make you finish
whenever you two do it.
Faking that orgasm will only make things worse. Your partner
will never realize he or she needs to up the ante, so be
honest. If you didnt finish, say it in a gentle way and tell him
or her how you want it done next time so you can achieve
completion, too.
If your partner refuses to make the effort, get rid of him or her
and find someone else who will.
At work
Taking on duties at work without getting recognized, getting
paid less and, even worse, seeing other people take credit for
it, is not just exhausting, it is morally demeaning.
Trust me, I know how it feels. Work is pretty much black and
white; you do your job, and you get paid for it. If you keep
doing work youre not getting paid for, consider talking to
your boss about it. If nothing happens, you should definitely
consider better career options.
With strangers
You dont know them; you dont see them every day, yet it
just seems so rude to say no to them. Say no to the sales lady
pressuring you into getting that $250 eye cream when you
dont even have under eye circles.
Instead of giving that able-looking street bum spare change,
consider giving him or her food or presentable clothes to use
to apply for a job.
With yourself
The most common case of getting ourselves pushed around
by, well, ourselves, is when we procrastinate. When we have a
project we need to finish soon, or the need to get back in
shape, its easier to lay back and get on Netflix instead, or
take a nap and end up not doing those tasks at all.

With family

Its upsetting having to live with the regret of never getting

things done, so stop procrastinating and keep your eye on the
ball!

Most of the time, these are the people who are hardest to say
no to. They borrow money you know they have no way of
paying back, or crash at your house for an endless amount of
time. Sometimes, they even provide unsolicited, negative
opinions about your life.

Especially with people we care about, it seems so hard to say

no, but we need to keep the consequences in mind. The
longer you keep staying passive, the harder it will be to get
out of the habit and finally recognize what is right.

One member of my family became neck-deep in debt and still

elected to be choosy with her job assignments. She kept
borrowing money from me until the time her utilities had been
cut off.
When I confronted her and asked where the money for utilities
went, she confessed she used it to for a pair of shoes and to
get her hair done. I was livid. I refused to lend a hand this

The more you assert yourself toward what your instinct tells
you is right, the more you are in control of your own
happiness and, ultimately, your life.
STOP BEING A PUSH OVER
For years I was a "yes" woman. I did everything for everyone,
even when it left me unhappy. What I craved is what no one

could give me: unconditional love and approval. I finally freed

myselfand you can do the same.
My need to please began when I was 2after my relatives
told me my mother died from "female trouble." Though I can't
conjure up my mother's face, I remember what I felt after she
diedalone and afraid.
I spent years trying to make someone love me. After both of
my parents died, I became everyone's child, raised not only
by grandmothers, aunts and cousins, but by the entire
community in my south-Georgia hometown. Until my father
died when I was 14, he lived in California and would send
letters to me at my great-grandmother's house signed "with
love." But I didn't believe that my father loved me from so far
awayor that my mother loved me from heaven. What I
craved most was for someoneanyoneto accept me, claim
me, keep me.
I became the daughter every mother wanted. When I went to
my best friend's house, I followed her mother around like a
puppy. "Miss Dovie, can I bring you a glass of water? Miss
Dovie, let me help you take the clothes off the line." The
mothers didn't disappoint me. "I wish you were my little girl,"
they would whisper.
In elementary school, I was the straight-A student every
teacher used as a model. I tried to impress the librarian by
reading twice as many books as anybody else in the class. I
stayed after school, wiping down blackboards and stacking up
books, just so my teacher would walk me down the block to
the crossing guard, and I could pretend, in those few
moments, that it was my mother's hand I was holding. Many
years would pass before I would tell myself the truththat
even if my mother had been there, her love would not have
been enough to satisfy my emptiness.
I'm always surprised that when I tell other women my story,
they nod in recognition. Whatever lies at the root of our need
to please, we all know the yes-woman's anthem: Everybody
else comes first. According to Harriet Braiker, Ph.D., author of
The Type E Woman: How to Overcome the Stress of Being
Everything to Everybody, women are conditioned to put
others' needs ahead of their own.
"Women are raised to take care of other peopleand to seek
their approval and love by doing so," she says. We want to be
seen as "the nice girl." We prefer that everyone else gets their
needs met without any conflict. But what people pleasers
don't understand is that no matter what they do to make
others happy, they are still left feeling empty.
How childhood habits haunt us:
Long before Tabi Upton, 28, became an Atlanta social worker,
she was the quintessential caretakerthe nurturing one who
always had advice for her friends. As the middle child of three,
growing up in Chattanooga, Tennessee, she mastered her role
in the family: She was the do-gooder who seldom got noticed.
"My older sister did everything by the book, and my younger
brother was often in trouble," she says. "So to get attention, I
began to overachieveto be the good girl who did everything
right. I made honor roll. I graduated near the top of my class. I
had to prove that I was smartthat I had something to give."
That's why it became easy for Tabi, as an adult, to take care of
others. "In my friendships, I was always the rescuer," she
says, recalling times when she drove friends away by playing
mother. "I knew how to be strong for other people. I prided
myself on being the wise one. I built my self-esteem on that."
Then everything fell apart. After returning from a two-year
stint in the Peace Corps in 1997 and finishing her master's in
professional counseling, Tabi searched for a jobwith no luck.
So she applied to a doctoral program, but she was rejected.
Frustrated by her failure, she moved from Denver to Atlanta in
search of a new start, but she still found no permanent work.
"How could I fix others' lives if I couldn't fix my own?" she

says. "My identity had been wrapped up in being together, in

being seen as successful. And I had to let go of that."
Tabi eventually landed a job in social work, but not before
living through what she calls her first "public failure." It taught
her a valuable lesson. "Concentrating on other people's
problems was a way to avoid my own. I didn't have to deal
with my lifethe pain of being rejected, the helplessness I felt
when I couldn't find work," she says, acknowledging that even
her career choice had been driven by her need to help. "What
I keep reminding myself is that my worth is more than what I
do for others."
8 SIGNS THAT TELLS YOURE A PUSHOVER
I have always been a shy girl (as Ive said before). Throughout
middle school and high school, I literally was afraid of saying
the word no. I never spoke my mind no matter what and so I
let a lot of people get away with things they should never
have gotten away with. In other words, I was a total pushover
for the majority of my life.
Although Im still shy now, I have fortunately learned how to
stop allowing people to walk all over me. Ive learned how to
tell people when theyre making me angry or upset, Ive
learned how to tell dudes how to treat me and how not to
treat me and Ive figured out that confrontation doesnt
always equal huge, dramatic fights. In fact, most of the time,
it can be useful. I know that a lot of you girls are just as shy as
I once was (and still sometimes am) and so Im assuming that
some of you out there are acting like pushovers when you
shouldnt be you have a voice and it deserves to be heard!
Here are 8 signs youre a pushover.
1. Your Friends Always Ask For Favors Because They Know You
Won't Say No
If you find that you're constantly doing favors for other
people, but rarely getting favors back in return, that's a huge
sign that you're acting like too much of a pushover.
Throughout high school, I had several friends who relied on
me and my parents for rides everywhere because they knew I
could convince my parents to do it - they never asked their
parents if they could drive us. People might not even be doing
it purposely, it's just that once you start saying "yes" a lot,
people sort of assume you'll always say it. And while you
should obviously do favors for people, you don't have an
obligation to fulfill every favor asked of you. Don't say yes if
it's going to put you out of your way or make things more
difficult for you.
2. You Always Seem To End Up In Non-Relationship
Relationships
One of my friends who is a HUGE pushover (and admits it) is
constantly stuck in these FWB type relationships where the
guy does whatever he wants and she does whatever HE
wants. She has yet to find a stable relationship where dudes
do stuff for her and that's because she lets things happen this
way. Once people realize they can treat you a certain way and
it seems okay to you, they'll keep treating you that way. It's
your responsibility to be like, "Hey. Stop. I deserve better than
this."
3. You Never Defend Yourself
Are you always laughing off "jokes" from friends or family
members that actually hurt your feelings? If so, you're acting
like a pushover. You should obviously have a good sense of
humor about yourself, but that doesn't mean you have to let
everything slide. If someone is joking around about you too
much and it's bothering you, don't just laugh it off like no big
deal - they'll probably think you don't care. Instead, be like,
"Not cool, dude."
4. You Say 'Sorry' Way Too Often
Another friend who is a major pushover has the terrible habit
of saying "I'm sorry" to literally everything. It drives me and
everyone else crazy. Saying your sorry for every little thing

comes off to mean that you did something you should be

sorry for... and a lot of the times, it's not necessary. Don't say
you're sorry after every thing you say or do. It makes people
think they can take advantage of you because you're easy to
be made to feel guilty.

unreasonable ones. Theyre considerate to a fault. When they

want or need something, theyre afraid to ask for it because
they dont want to inconvenience others. Nice Guys also avoid
conflict like the plague. Theyd rather get along than get
ahead.

5. You're More Worried About Other People Being Happy Than

Yourself
In high school, I used to be so worried about making other
people happy that I would often do things I didn't want to do
to make sure that happens. I still have an issue with this today
- I sometimes do things for my BF just to make him happy
even if I don't want to. Luckily, I have a great boyfriend who
makes sure that I AM actually happy with that stuff before we
do it. Of course other people's happiness is important, but you
need to be happy too!

At first blush, Nice Guys seem like saints. They appear

generous, flexible, and extremely polite. But if you scratch
beneath the surface, youll often find a helpless, anxious, and
resentful core. Nice Guys are often filled with anxiety because
their self-worth depends on the approval of others and getting
everyone to like them. They waste a lot of time trying to
figure out how to say no to people and even then, often end
up still saying yes, because they cant go through with it. They
dont feel they can go after their true desires, because theyre
locked into doing what others say they should do. Because
go with the flow is their default approach to life, Nice Guys
have little control over their lives and consequently feel
helpless, shiftless, and stuck. Theyre also typically resentful
and vindictive because their unspoken needs arent being met
and they feel like others are always taking advantage of them
even though theyre the ones who allow it to happen.

6. You'll Do Anything To Avoid Confrontation

I HATE confrontation. It is definitely not my strong point. I
have gone so far as to have friends tell other friends why I'm
mad at them or having friends tell my boyfriends why I'm sad.
I used to avoid it at all costs, but now I'm learning to stop that.
If you're nodding your head like, "me too!" right now, that's a
sign that you're a pushover. Confrontation is uncomfortable,
but sometimes it's necessary to get what you want and
deserve.
7. People Take Credit For Your Ideas
Do you often find that at school or work, people take credit for
things that you came up with? Do you notice that in group
projects, you do a lot of the work but get little to no credit?
Not cool. If you came up with something and someone tries to
steal it as their own, don't let them!
8. You Always Go With The Flow
It's great to go with the flow sometimes and do whatever your
group of friends is doing. But there's a limit. If your friends
want to do some expensive dinner at a restaurant you hate,
don't go just because they decided on it - speak up and
suggest somewhere else. Your opinion deserves to be heard.
Don't always do what your friends are doing without throwing
in your thoughts. If you do that, they'll start making plans
without you because they'll assume you'll just do whatever and that's not always a good thing.

In worst-case scenarios, the Nice Guys pent-up resentment

from being pushed around will result in unexpected outbursts
of anger and violence. Hes a volcano waiting to erupt.
So whats a Nice Guy to do? How can he regain some control
over his life and quit being such a pushover?
Some Nice Guys think the solution is to swing to the other
extreme and go from being passive to aggressive. Instead of
meekly submitting, they feel like they have to dominate in
every situation. They seek to get their way in everything, no
matter what.
Aggressiveness, while definitely appropriate in some
instances,
particularly
those
involving
out-and-out
competition, isnt a very productive communication or
behavior style in most cases. In fact, using a persistent,
aggressive communication style can often backfire by creating
resentment and passive-aggressive behavior in the very
people youre trying to control.

HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE

Instead of passivity and aggressiveness, the best approach

lies somewhere between the two. The sweet spot for
communication and behavior is called assertiveness.

Your boss consistently asks you at the last minute to come

into work on the weekend. You say yes every time even
though you have family plans. You stew with resentment as
you pore over TPS reports on a Saturday.

Assertiveness: The Golden Mean Between Passivity and

Aggression

You order an expensive steak at a restaurant, but when the

waiter brings it to you its way over-cooked. When he asks,
How is everything? you respond, Fine, while you glumly
saw your charred hunk of meat.
You want to take a jiu-jitsu class, but you dont think your wife
will be too happy with you spending an hour or two every
week away from your family, so dont you even mention the
idea to her.
Your neighbor lets his dogs bark all night, and its keeping you
from sleep. Instead of talking to him about it, you bad-mouth
him to your friends on Facebook.

You might associate the term assertiveness with training

courses that women take to learn to be more confident in
traditionally masculine workplaces.
But in the past few decades, as men have been taught to
smooth over their rough edges to be less pushy, more
sensitive, and more collaborative a lot of guys have gotten
confused as to where to draw the line between aggression
and passivity. Anxious to not come off as overbearing, and
even sexist, they tend to err on the side of the latter. Theyve
lost the ability to navigate between those two rocky shoals,
and as a result, many men need to learn, or re-learn, how to
be assertive.
So what does it mean to be assertive?

If any of these situations hits close to home, then youre likely

one of the legions of men who suffer from Nice Guy
Syndrome a set of personality, attitude, and behavioral
traits described by Dr. Robert Glover, author of No More Mr.
Nice Guy.

In a nutshell, assertiveness is an interpersonal skill in which

you demonstrate healthy confidence and are able to stand up
for yourself and your rights, while respecting the rights of
others.

Nice Guys take a passive approach to life and relationships.

Instead of standing up for themselves, they let others walk all
over them. Theyre pushovers and perennial People Pleasers.
Nice Guys have a hard time saying no to requests even

When youre assertive, you are direct and honest with people.
You dont beat around the bush or expect people to read your
mind about what you want. If something is bothering you, you
speak up; if you want or need something, you ask. You do all
this while maintaining a calm and civil demeanor.

Assertiveness also requires an understanding that while you

can make a request or state an opinion, others are well within
their right to say no or disagree. You dont get upset or angry
when that happens. You stay in control and work to come to
some sort of compromise. When youre assertive, you
understand that you might not get what you want. Youll learn,
however, that it not only doesnt hurt to ask, but actually
helps to ask as well:
The Benefits of Assertiveness
Your relationships will improve. Researchers who study
marriage and relationships have found that assertiveness is
one of the key attributes that both partners need in order for
a relationship to be strong and healthy. If one person feels
they arent getting their needs met, resentment for their
partner ensues (even if its the persons fault for not letting
their needs to be known).
Youll feel less stressed. Studies have shown that individuals
who undergo assertiveness training experience less stress
than individuals who dont. When youre assertive, you say no
to requests that would otherwise spread you too thin. You also
lose the anxiety and worry that comes with being overly preoccupied
with
what
others
will
think
of
your
choices/preferences/requests/opinions. You feel in control of
your life.
Youll gain confidence. When youre assertive, you have an
internal locus of control. Your attitude and behavior are
governed by your own actions or decisions, not the actions
and decisions of others. Knowing that you can make changes
to improve your own situation is a big-time confidence
booster.
Youll become less resentful. As you become more assertive,
your relationships will become more enjoyable. Youll no
longer have to swallow the bitter pill of resentment when you
say yes to a request or decide to do a favor for someone.
When you do something, you do it because you actually want
to do it, or youre okay with doing it as part of the natural give
and take of relationships.
How to Be More Assertive
Creating the Assertive Mindset
In my experience, becoming more assertive first requires you
to change your mindset. You need to get rid of any limiting or
incorrect beliefs that are holding you back from being
assertive. Here are a few suggestions to get your mindset in
the right place.
Set boundaries. The first step in becoming less of a pushover
is establishing boundaries. Boundaries are rules and limits
that a man creates for himself that guide and direct others as
to whats permissible behavior around him. Passive men
typically have no boundaries and allow others to walk all over
them.
Mens counselor and author Wayne Levine calls boundaries
N.U.Ts, or Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms. Your N.U.Ts are
the things youre committed to: your family, your health, your
faith, your hobbies, your psychological well-being, etc.
According to Levine, N.U.T.s are the boundaries that define
you as man, those things which, if repeatedly compromised,
will graduallybut assuredlyturn you into a pissed-off,
resentful man.
If you dont know what your N.U.Ts are, take some time to
figure it out. Once you do, make a commitment from here on
out that youll never compromise them.
Take responsibility for your own problems. Nice Guys wait
around for someone else to fix their problems. An assertive
man understands that his problems are his responsibility. If

you see something that needs changing in your life, take

action. If youre not happy with something in your life, start
taking steps however small to change things.
Dont expect people to read your mind. Nice Guys expect
others to recognize what they need and want without having
to say a word. Until a mass mutation occurs that allows
telepathy or our brains become connected to the Borg, mind
reading isnt possible for the foreseeable future. If you want
something, say it; if something bothers you, speak up. Never
assume that people know your every need or want. Its not as
obvious as you may think.
Understand youre not in charge of how others feel or behave.
Both passive and aggressive men share a similar problem:
they both think theyre in charge of how others feel or behave
they just go about it differently.
An aggressive man assumes responsibility of others behavior
and emotions by exerting his will through physical, mental,
and emotional force.
A passive man assumes responsibility of others behavior by
constantly submitting his will to the will of others. Passive
men feel its their job to make sure everyone is happy, even if
that means they themselves are miserable.
An assertive man recognizes that its not his job to control or
worry about others behavior and that hes only responsible
for how he behaves and feels. You wont believe how much
less stress and anxiety youll feel once you understand this.
Youll no longer spend wasted hours wringing your hands
worrying about whether someone will be happy with your
choice or opinion.
This isnt to say that you should be an inconsiderate jerk and
shouldnt take into account the feelings/situations of others. It
just means you dont need to go overboard and be so overly
considerate that you dont make any requests or stand up for
your values lest you upset or offend someone. Let them
decide whether to be upset or offended. Thats their
responsibility, not yours.
You are responsible for the consequences of your assertive
words/actions. Asserting yourself will likely ruffle feathers, and
there might be unpleasant consequences. But part of being
assertive is taking responsibility for those consequences,
come what may. Dealing with those consequences is far
better than dealing with those of living an anxious, thwarted
life.
Assertiveness takes time. Dont think youll magically become
assertive simply by reading this article. Assertiveness takes
time and practice. Youll have good days and bad days. Just be
persistent with your efforts; it will pay off.
Assertiveness in Action
Once you have the mindset, heres how to actually start being
assertive.
Start small. If the thought of standing up for yourself makes
you downright nauseous, start with low-risk situations. For
example, if you order a burger, and the waiter brings you a
grilled cheese, let him know the mistake and send it back. If
youre out running errands on the weekend with your wife and
are trying to decide on a place to eat, dont just automatically
defer, but chime in as to where youd like to go.
Once you feel comfortable in these low-risk situations, start
upping the ante little by little.
Say no. In your quest to become more assertive, no is your
best friend. Start saying no more often. Does a request
conflict with a personal boundary? Say no. Schedule already
full? Diga, No, gracias. You dont have to be a jerk when you
do it. Its possible to be firm and resolute with your no while

being considerate. At first, saying no may make you very

anxious, but eventually it will come to feel good, and actually
quite freeing.
Will some people be disappointed when you turn them down?
Probably. But remember that as long as you express your
needs in a considerate way, youre not responsible for their
reaction. No need to feel guilty for treating yourself like their
equal.
Be simple and direct. When youre asserting yourself, less is
more. Keep your requests and preferences simple and direct.
No need for elaborate explanations (see below) or
meandering wind-ups. Just politely say your piece.
Use I statements. When making a request or expressing
disapproval use I statements. Instead of saying, Youre so
inconsiderate. You have no idea how hard my day at the office
was. Why would you ask me to do all these chores? say, Im
exhausted today. I understand you want these things done,
but Im not going to be able to get to them until tomorrow.
Other examples of I statements:
Youre so needy and controlling. I feel frustrated when you
make me feel guilty for hanging out with my friends.
You always humiliate me when we visit your parents. I feel
embarrassed when you insult me in front of your folks.
Your demands are unreasonable! Id prefer that you give
me at least three days notice before asking me to come in on
the weekend.
When crafting your I statements, be careful not to embed
accusations or try to interpret the persons behavior. That will
just make them defensive and cause them to shut down.
Examples:
I feel like youre purposely being a jagweed just to get on my
nerves.
I think youre trying to pick a fight.
Dont apologize or feel guilty for expressing a need/want/right.
Unless youre asking for something thats patently
unreasonable, theres no reason to feel guilty or ashamed for
expressing a need or want. So quit apologizing when you
make a request. Just politely ask for it and wait to see how the
other person responds.
Nice Guys will feel guilty even when expressing dissatisfaction
with something theyre paying for! If a contractor hasnt done
the work he agreed to do, its your right to ask that it be fixed.
It has nothing to do with being polite or not hurting his
feelings its just business and thats how it works.
Use confident body language and tone. Look confident when
making a request or stating a preference. Stand up straight,
lean in a bit, smile or keep a neutral facial expression, and
look the person in the eye. Also be sure to speak clearly and
loudly enough to make your point. Passive folks will tend to
whisper and mumble when making their opinions or needs
known; that will only serve to frustrate the other person.
You dont have to justify/explain your opinion/choices. When
you make a decision or state an opinion that others dont
agree with, one way in which theyll try to exert control over
you is to demand that you offer a justification for your
choice/opinion/behavior. If you cant come up with a good
enough reason (in the other persons eyes) youre supposed
to go along with what they want.
Nice Guys with their need to please feel obligated to give
an explanation or justification for every. single. choice they
make, even if the other person isnt asking for it. They want to
make sure that everyone is okay with their choices
essentially asking for permission to live their life the way they
want. Dont operate like that.
Rehearse. Play out the scenario in which you plan to assert
yourself. Sure, its goofy, but practice what and how youll say
in front of a mirror. It helps.

Be persistent. Youll sometimes face situations when people

will shoot you down the first time you make a request. Dont
just throw up your hands and say, Oh well, theres nothing I
can do about it. At least I tried. Sometimes to be treated
fairly, youve got to be persistent. Remain cool, calm, and
collected during this process. For example, if you call
customer service and they wont help you with your problem,
ask if you can talk to their manager. Or if you get bumped off
a flight, keep asking about other options, like getting
transferred to another airline, so you can make it to your
destination on time.
Be wary of the advice you find in some books on
assertiveness that suggest you keep asking the same thing
over and over and over again until the person relents and
gives you what you want. Thats not being persistent, thats
being a pest.
Stay cool. If someone disagrees or expresses disapproval of
your choice/opinion/request, dont get angry or defensive.
Either give a constructive response or decide not to engage
with the person any further.
Pick your battles. A common mistake many people make who
are on the path to being more assertive is to try to be
assertive all the time. Assertiveness is situational and
contextual. There may be cases when being assertive wont
get you anywhere and taking a more aggressive or passive
stance is the better option.
How do you know when you should or shouldnt assert
yourself? Youll need to figure that out through practice and
exercising some practical wisdom.
Dr. Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons, authors of Your
Perfect Right, provide a few questions to consider before
choosing to be assertive:
How much does it matter to you?
Are you looking for a specific outcome or just to express
yourself?
Are you looking for a positive outcome? Might asserting
yourself make things worse?
Will you kick yourself if you dont take action?
What are the probable consequences and realistic risks from
your possible assertion?
How to Deal With People Who Are Used to Mr. Doormat
If youve been a pushover for most of your life, the people
around you will likely resist your efforts to become more
assertive. Theyre used to you being a doormat and are
comfortable with a relationship dynamic that has you in the
passive role. Dont get angry or frustrated if your family,
friends, and co-workers question or even try to thwart your
new assertive approach to life. Thats a completely normal
response. Just remember that while the short-term kerfuffles
that come with being assertive may be annoying and
awkward, you and those around you will be better off in the
long-run.
Conclusion
At times, you certainly do need to suck up your feelings and
just do it. Perhaps its doing the dishes, mowing the lawn, or
even finishing that TPS report. However, learning to voice
your opinions, and more importantly, respect the validity of
those opinions and wants, will serve to make you a more
confident man. The result of an assertive action may be
getting exactly what you want, or a compromise, or a
rejection, but regardless of the outcome, it will lead to you
feeling more in control of your life. Start small, learn how to
state your wishes, and make assertiveness a part of who you
are.
We can all think of the people around us who we know to be
assertive. With a little bit of practice and training, you can be

that man that people think of and look to when they need
something taken care of.