The Guildsman #3

Gamers Guild
University of California, Riverside

Winter 1991

Cover: Valentines Dragon

Calligraphy

Leslie Claussen
Paul Johnson

A Word from the Bard

Gamers Guild Constitution

Jim Vassilakos

1
1

Jim Vassilakos
Jack De Winter

4
9

Fact
Probabilities
Space Travel List v1.2

Fiction
Naveros 11-19
Charlies Magic Christmas
Life, Death, Paper and Dice
Were all Bozos on this Bus
Harrisons 5 & 6
When Computers Dream
The Greyhawk Campaign
The Sunrise Prophesy
Fragile Butterfly

Daniel Parsons
Garry James Kirks
Aaron Miaullis
Kay Shapero
Jim Vassilakos
Josh Finney
Ed Zeamba
Mary K. Kuhner
Todd Groner

22
48
52
54
59
69
74
80
81

FRP
Magic Items
The Sword Dancer
Miscellaneous Monsters
Sonoric & His Spells
House Rules
Punching & Martial Arts
Thirty-Six Plots
Empire of the Isles
GURPStuff

Prestero, Miaullis, Sandman, Neuromancer

Vassilakos, Zeamba
Bradley S. Hall
Tim Prestero
Prestero, Paquette, Vassilakos
Bradley S. Hall
Loren J. Miller
Aaron Sher
Neuromancer, Seaton, Tron

82
85
88
94
102
109
111
113
116

Glenn Thain

118
119
123

Funnies
Protocols of the Elders of Zion
Famous Last Words
Bits & Pieces
Wailings from the Cryer

130

A Word from the Bard

Jim Vassilakos

<ambunctious

Gamers Guild
Constitution

tidings gentle reader. . . and

welcome to our latest expedition into the
enigmatic heart of gaming aloft that chaotic
and daring creature whose melodramatic
meanderings find an audience despite all
the rational dictates of our sensibility:
The Guildsman; tis a consumation deviously
to a be pondered with conscience askew and
battered bearings a-blasted, because the third
times the charm! Now, theres the rub, baby!
Okay, okay. . . so I just saw Hamlet; bear with
me.
Thanx for this issue goes to all the
contributors for making it happen, to Jason
Bishop, our resident techie, for helping out
with bitmaps & postscript, to Wayne Wallace for his usual rounds of spell-checking, to
Tim Prestero whose barrage of email kept the
project more or less on schedule, and to you,
the reader, for putting up with our cooperative
insanity. . .
The Guildsman was formatted using
A
the LTEX document preparation system. Subscription, back-issue and contributor information is available by writing:

Preamble

e, the Gamers Guild of UCR, under contempt of

the Regents with purple mushrooms majesty and looneytoons and fornication for all. . . blah blah blah. . . do hereby
unite for the purpose of promoting gaming and consequentially having lots of fun. yea!
. . . and there was much rejoicing. . .

The Honorable Offices

We hereby create five (i.e. one less than six but not less
than four) honorable, pompously-ignoramus and highlynoble offices, invincible before all save the dreaded rustmonster, most lordly and enviously powerful of powers,
known and revered throughout the land of UCR. The
means of management are therein bestowed.
The first and foremost of these offices is to be known
as the One to Rule them All. . . the chief executive deputy
marshal directorship of FlakeSpanking. yea!
The FlakeSpankers duties art as followeth:
to spank flakes (i.e. to institute progressive disciplinary measures by which the other four officers
and their administrative cohorts can be encouraged
to perform at a greater capacity through the use of
whips, chains, barbed wire, and left-over tofu),

The Gamers Guild

Commons, Main Desk
University of California
Riverside, CA 92521

to form overall policy on club direction (hopefully

with the consent of the top management team) and
to be suspended by toe nails over a bottomless pit of
warm marshmellow cream when suspected of leading
the club in circles,

Now on with the show before I bore you

into an apathetic stupor.

to interpret this constitution and bend it where appropriate with the consent of the other officers for
the purpose of expediting Guild projects,
to call for the ousting and replacement of officers
should that need ever arise,

[email protected]
ucsd!ucrmath!jimv

to pompously & jismatically preside over club meetings, and

to keep a paranoid eye on the receipt and expenditure of club funds over which the Miser is responsible
for accounting.

Quorum

The second office is that of the Gamesmaster whos

responsibility it is to coordinate games and to keep upto-date records on existing campaigns and gaming groups
within the club membership. The membership is herein
accorded the right to split this office into numerous genre
as is deemed appropriate and is further accorded privilege to review and modify this functional division on a
quarterly basis.
The third office is that of the Miser (known also as
the office of Missing which is likely to happen to club
funds). The Misers duties are the following:

Ten (i.e. eleven less one, being the tenth number or that
cardinal number following the ninth) guild members constitute a quorum given that the meeting time and place
was made adequately public in the judgement of the majority (three-fifths) of the management team.

Elections
Elections for each of the five offices are to be held at the
final general meeting of each quarter. The chosen representatives of those elections may not assume office until
the beginning of the following quarter. If they should try
to assume office before that universally defined date, they
shall be dunked repeatedly in rancid orc-drool until they
cease and desist from all leaderly activities. Individuals
may only serve a maximum of four-quarters in a given
office. If they should attempt to serve more, the membership may make up a sufficiently silly punishment to expel
such ideas in the future.

to keep all club financial records up to date,

to modify the clubs system of accounting as
is believed warranted with the consent of the
FlakeSpanker,
to personally hold club funds and signature authority for all club expenditures except in cases where
individual is illiterate in Common,
to hold all receipts pertinent to club expenditures,
to propose club dues when deemed appropriate,
to present a financial report to the general membership at the end-of-quarter meeting,

Order of Offices

to keep membership records particularly with regard

to dues collected and receivable, and

The offices will be elected in the following order: Flake

Spanker, Gamesmaster, Miser, Cryer, & Bard (i.e. this,
of course, being the preferred and holy order. . . amen).

to approve all asset outflows keeping careful watch

for outbreaks of the hershey-squirts.
The fourth office is that of Crying. The Cryer is responsible for the promotion of club activities including
flyers design and approval, news advertisements (including but not limited to Highlander notices), mass-mailings,
and t-shirt design.
The fifth and last of the honorable offices is that of
the Bard whos responsibilities include the following:

Order of Election
For any given office, the following order shall be maintained. First, candidacies may be declared either in
writing or in person. Candidates must nominate themselves for office in order to be considered eligible. Candidates which feel too shy to nominate themselves must
be stripped of all personal belongings and photographed
repeatedly until such feelings are properly extinguished.
Second, individuals running for office who are present
may be allowed a short period of time to summarize their
intent in holding office. For the office of Flake-Spankers,
may becomes must (i.e. Flake-Spanking candidates
must not only present their position in words but must
also present a written statement outlining their objectives of office, and these statement are to be held by the
Bard for end-of-term evaluation). At this stage, a short,
moderated discussion may ensue consisting of much fervor and bloodletting if anyone has anything to add for or
against the candidacy of the individual in question. The
Flake-Spanker is expected but not required to evaluate
the performance of candidates seeking re-election on the
basis of pre-established criteria.
Third, the election (by simple counting of hands) may
commence with two appointed individuals keeping separate tallies, after the candidates have left the room. If
there is no room to leave, the candidates may simply stick
their heads in the sand in preparation for public office. In
the case where more than two candidates are running for

to design and produce clubsponsored publications,

to appoint a selection committee (with the confirmation of the Flake Spanker) which will aid this office in
the selection and editing of publication submissions,
to record the outcome of all votes at club meetings,
to record all bends & amendments to this constitution, and
to hold the FlakeSpankers statement of objectives
throughout the the quarter and evaluate this officers
performance at the end-of-quarter elections.
to call for the ousting of the FlakeSpanker should
that need arise.
. . . and so endth the fifth, last, and final of the glorious,
malodorous, most-high offices. . .

 to attend all gaming sessions to which the gamester

finds him or herself committed, lest that individual
be pummeled into unconsciousness by boiled leaks,
and

an office and no single candidate holds a clear majority of

the quorum, two rounds of voting are held for that office.
The first eliminates all but the two most popular candidates, and the second decides between those two.

to pay all club dues promptly and with zeal.

Voting
Interpretation of the Constitution

Candidates may not vote in the election governing their

intended office unless, of course, they are truly pompous,
and even then they must be duly punished with a multitude of silliness until they declare themselves reborn and
promptly stick their heads in the sand. Flake Spankers,
whether running for re-election or not, may not vote in
the election governing the office of Flake-Spanking, lest
their mighty and wrathful opinions be considered either
mighty or wrathful. Abstentions and no-votes are not
counted as part of the voting-bloc lest the guild be ruled
by indecision.

The FlakeSpanker is charged with the overall interpretation of the constitution for purposes of expediency, however, on points of contention, these interpretations must
be rendered to the Bard in writing and may be contested
at any meeting being overturned by a simple majority
of the quorum and reinterpreted as thought appropriate
by the voting membership. The FlakeSpanker may also
take luxury in a varying degree of Constitutional Bending
whereby both substantive and procedural points of the
constitution may be dispensed with for the greater efficacy of Guild operations. Such bending, however, must
be done with the concurrence of the entirety of the top
management (i.e. the five officers), and may be again
shot down at any meeting by a simple majority of the
quorum. All such bendings must be made known to the
general membership, and all must be recorded in writing
with the Bard. In this way, constitutional amendments
may be tried out before being permanently instated.

Ousting & Succession of Officers

The FlakeSpanker may call for the ousting of other club
officers or appointees at any general meeting. A two
thirds majority of the quorum may strip an officer of all
invested titles and authority. The Bard is responsible for
calling for the ousting of the FlakeSpanker should such
a need ever arise. Special meetings may also be called
specifically for ousting purposes, but if the meeting is not
general, then is must be advertised in the Highlander at
least three-days in advance of the event with the word
Yuchy-Foo contained within the ad to signify the nature
of the meeting to the membership.
If an officer voluntarily retires or is replaced before the
term of service has been fulfilled, the FlakeSpanker is responsible for finding a replacement and must conduct the
duties of that office until such time as a replacement has
been found. Such replacements may be appointed without
the formalities of an election. If the FlakeSpanker should
retire or be removed midterm, then the Gamemasterelect is responsible for assuming this office. If it is the
case that the Gamemaster has previously been replaced,
the appointed Gamemaster may not assume the duties of
FlakeSpanking, and so these responsibilities pass to the
Miser and so forth by the Order of Offices.

Amendment
This constitution may be amended at any general meeting
in which a quorum is judged present. This constitution is
amended on a two-thirds majority.

Dissolution
The Gamers Guild may be dissolved by a three-fourths
majority of the quorum at any publicly announced general
meeting. In the case of dissolution, creditors of the Guild
are given first dibs on the Guild coffers. Any remaining
monies must then be refunded to the general student body
of the university through ASUCR.

Expectations of the Member

Guild members, known henceforth as gamesters, are accorded a variety of rights and privileges, and concordant
with these are the following responsibilities:
to attend general meetings, lest the gamester be accused of sloth. Members so accused shall be mercilessly flatulated upon until such time as the lazy slug
gets up off that sedentary, posterior portion of precious anatomy, thus facilitating the retaliatory flutterblasts so rudely expected,

A Method for the Derivation of

Constrained Number Probabilities
c
1990
Jim Vassilakos
[email protected]

It is often amusing and occasionally indicting to see Act II Jims Rectangle

just how high (or low) on the scales of fortune a
characters prime statistics stack-up against the unassailable laws of probability. This article provides a
method by which evidence of luck or what-have-you
might be gathered.

Now that were done with pascals triangle

(yawn. . . boring), its time to introduce jims parallelogram! Hazzah! Hazzah! Jims what????! Well,
it began as a parallelogram, then it devolved into a
rectangle because Jim was (and still is) such a messy
dude that he couldnt keep his diagonal lines straight.
The General Problem
But as they say in the Conan flics, thats a whole
Given that we roll n number of s-sided dice (notated nother story. Anyhow, suffice it to say that Act
as nds), what is the probability distribution of y such Two makes Act One look like a lame teaser. Ocourse,
if I went into half the other probs pascals triangle sets
that y is the total value of nds.
the stage for solving, Act One would be a full-length
creature-feature in and of itself with pop corn and a
Act I Pascals Triangle
free diet soft-drink and plenty of blood and gore and
dead teenagers to boot. Pascal. . . what a dude.
We start by making fun of Pascals infamous 4

0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8

1
1
1
1
1
1
1
1
1

7
8

3
6
10
20

35
56

1
4

10
15

21
28

3
4

1
2

5
15

35
70

Well, it looks something like that anyway. The

numbers along the left-hand side indicate the rank of
the row (i.e. row #3 contains the values 1, 3, 3, and
1). The value of n (the number of dice we are rolling)
indicates the row number of pascals triangle we are
concerned with.
Suppose we are interested in finding the probability distribution of 3d6. We will need to consider
the values 1, 3, 3, and 1. Once we have these values,
we need to let every 2nd value in the series become
its own opposite. Thus, we are now considering the
values 1, -3, 3, and -1.

1
1
6
21

56

1
7

28

1
8

Anyways, where were we? Oh, I member,

Jims rectangle. Okay, here we go. . . Jims rectangle
(abbreviated as Monster for short) is the method
by which we arrive at the top-half of what Ill call
the events-distribution for nds. The horizontal axis
is n+1 cells long. The vertical axis is k-n+1 cells long
and is rounded down to the nearest
where k = n(s+1)
2
whole number.

So for our example of 3d6, n=3 and s=6.

Neato burrito! Now its time for the hot sauce.

You take each empty cell in the matrix and let
its value equal the sum of the value in the cell above
and the value of the cell to the right. In other words:

(round down)
k = 3(6+1)
2
= 10.5 (round down)
= 10

So far, so awful. Heres what our lovable monster looks like just in terms of where the cells are
placed.

Now we just fill in the numbers...

1
3
6
10
15
21
25
27

1
2
3
4
5
6
4
2

1
1
1
1
1
1
2
2

1
0
0
0
0
0
3
0

And thats how we get jims rectangle (aka:

the monster).

Now weve got to make the axes, one along the

top and one along the right-hand side. Note, these
axes are a part of the actual monster. The horizontal
axis is composed of the cells of the top-most row. The
vertical axis is composed of the cells of the right-most
column. We let all the cells of the horizontal axis
carry the value 1. Next, we let all the cells of the
vertical axis carry the value 0. Certain cells of the
vertical axis are then modified (every sth cell starting
from the top-right corner to be precise). Isnt this
fun? Now you know why I call it the monster. Every
sth cell (6th cell for 3d6 purposes), gets to carry one
of those values from Act One. See? Pascal wasnt
foolin when he said his triangle would be important!
Our nth (3rd) row values (every 2nd reversed)
turned out to be 1, 3, 3, and 1. We deposit value
#1 into cell #1 of the vertical axis. What do you
know? It just happenstanced to be a one. That
fits nicely with the horizontal axis. We then stuff
value #2 (in this case a -3) into the cell s (6) places
down. That would make cell #7 go from 0 to 3. And
so the story goes on and on until youre either out of
values or you run out of places to stuff them. The
latter case will invariably proceed the former. Thus,
if you followed half of that, we get a monster looking
like this. . .
1

- a
v r

v=a+r

h.a. (horizontal axis) = 3+1 = 4

v.a. (vertical axis)
= 10-3+1 = 8

Act III Pulling Probabilities

Okay, now the easy part. The values in the lefthand column represent the first half of our eventsdistribution (Actually, this is incorrect. They actually represent the number of constrained, ordered
partitions, but this is too much of a mouthful, so to
translate everyones conflicting jargonese, they represent the number of times youd get a particular total
y, if you rolled nds sn times such that you got each
possible combination once.)
Here they are, just for fun. . . 1, 3, 6, 10, 15,
21, 25, 27.
Ill illustrate the brute force method using
2d6 just to show you the value of the monster.
With 2d6, there are 36 (62 ) possible combinations. One representation of those combinations
might be as follows:

Die
#2

1
0
0
0
0
0
3
0

1
2
3
4
5
6

1
2
3
4
5
6
7

2
3
4
5
6
7
8

Die #1
3 4
4 5
5 6
6 7
7 8
8 9
9 10

5
6
7
8
9
10
11

6
7
8
9
10
11
12

This, then is the events-distribution map.

From here we can see how many times we get a particular total or event.
5

Total
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12

Events
1
2
3
4
5
6
5
4
3
2
1

Total
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
So theres only a

21
216

Events
1
3
6
10
15
21
25
27
27
25
21
15
10
6
3
1
chance of getting an 8 on

3d6.
Whats the chance of getting an 8? 5 events
Of course, its always a good idea to check your
5
, or to restate it events-distribution, and one easy way to do that is to
out of 36 possible combinations = 36
5
p(y=8|y=yield(2d6)) = 36
.
total the number of events. If they do not equal sn
(in this case 63 = 216), then you know youve got a
loser. This is not to say that this check will knock
With 3d6, youve got to extend the number out all losers, but its a good check anyway.
of possible combos into a 3rd dimension. . . kind of
hard to show you right now. Instead of having 62 = The Programs
36 possibilities, we have 63 = 216 possibilities; the
bigger your n, the yuchier it gets.
What follows are two programs written in GW-Basic
for the IBM-PC. The first runs a simulation of nds
and the second runs monsters analysis. As a footAs it turns out (especially with high ns), maknote, the fix command is used to round numbers
ing the monster and pulling the values off his left arm
down. Most int commands will do this, but not all so
is much easier than the brute force technique. Weve
watch out if you decide to substitute. In reality (at
already made monster. Now Ill show you how to pull
least as far as I perceive it), fix rounds all numbers tothe values out.
ward zero (negatives includes). Since these programs
should never provide fix with negative numbers, the
First of all, weve got to figure out what the point is moot. . . but happy nevertheless. As another
smallest and largest value totals can be, and thats note, many versions of basic will stick an exclamation
pretty easy. Our smallest possible total is n, the point at the end of large (or is it long?) numbers in
largest in n s. For 3d6 that equates to a range the expressions (for example, lines 725 in both programs, the number 1000000 becomes 1000000!. Dont
between 3 and 18.
be too alarmed if your basic does this. Apparently
for some odd reason, its normal. Anyway, here we
We can start at either extreme and just move go. . .
toward the midsection. Once we get half the distribution done, we just make the other half a mir- The Simulation Program
ror reflection of what weve done, starting from the
other extreme and moving in. As a sidebar, there are Using all the versions of basic, fortran, and pascal Ive
times when we wont need to copy the lower left-hand ever had the conspicuous pleasure of trying out, it is
value and other times when we will. It all depends on just plain impossible (well. . . at least not very easy)
whether the number of possible totals is odd or even. to write a dice-simulation program which covers the
Heres what our 3d6 events distribution looks like.
general case nds because n determines the number of
6

nested loops necessary to conduct the simulation, and

all these languages dont allow for this number to be
variable. In other words, you cant say, Hey youze
guyz... I want fifty nested loops, now do it. Ysee,
the computers got together and formed a union and
decided they didnt have to take that sort of crp.
So, heres what weve got; weve got a simulator which only does its job for n10. Bummer!

580 NEXT A3
590 NEXT A2
600 NEXT A1
700 REM TOTALS
702 PRINT
705 PRINT"SUM
EVENTS
710 FOR B=N TO N*S
720 P(B)=C(B)/(S^N)
725 P(B)=INT(P(B)*1000000)/10000
750 PRINT B;"
";C(B);"
770
NEXT
B
5 DIM C(100)
800 REM P(Y=>X)
6 DIM P(100)
10 PRINT"DICEY.SIM: THE DICE SIMULATOR BY JPV"810 FOR B=X TO N*X
Z=Z+P(B)
30 PRINT"WHATS P(Y=>X: Y=YIELD(NDS), N=\# OF 820
DICE,
S=SIDEDNESS)?"
830
NEXT B
70 INPUT"ENTER N,S,X:";N,S,X
840 PRINT
100 REM ROLL EM!
860 PRINT"P(Y=>";X;") =";Z;"%"
110 FOR A1=1 TO S
870 PRINT
115 IF N=1 GOTO 300
1000 END
120 FOR A2=1 TO S
125
130
135
140
145
150
155
160
165
170
175
180
185
190
195
200
300
310
320
410
420
430
440
450
460
470
480
490
510
520
530
540
550
560
570

IF N=2 GOTO 300

FOR A3=1 TO S
IF N=3 GOTO 300
FOR A4=1 TO S
IF N=4 GOTO 300
FOR A5=1 TO S
IF N=5 GOTO 300
FOR A6=1 TO S
IF N=6 GOTO 300
FOR A7=1 TO S
IF N=7 GOTO 300
FOR A8=1 TO S
IF N=8 GOTO 300
FOR A9=1 TO S
IF N=9 GOTO 300
FOR A10=1 TO S
REM
D=A1+A2+A3+A4+A5+A6+A7+A8+A9+A10
C(D)=C(D)+1
IF N=1 GOTO 600
IF N=2 GOTO 590
IF N=3 GOTO 580
IF N=4 GOTO 570
IF N=5 GOTO 560
IF N=6 GOTO 550
IF N=7 GOTO 540
IF N=8 GOTO 530
IF N=9 GOTO 520
NEXT A10
NEXT A9
NEXT A8
NEXT A7
NEXT A6
NEXT A5
NEXT A4

PROBABILITY"

";P(B);"%"

The Monster Program

5 DIM T(20,20)
6 DIM C(50,50)
7 DIM E(100):DIM P(100)
10 PRINT"MONSTER: DICE PROBABILITY ANALYZER BY JPV"
20 PRINT"WHATS P(Y=>X: Y=YIELD(NDS), N=\# OF DICE, S=S
30 INPUT"ENTER N,S,X:";N,S,X
100 REM CONSTRUCT PASCALS TRIANGLE
110 T(0,1)=1
120 FOR A=1 TO N
130 FOR B=1 TO A+1
140 T(A,B)=T(A-1,B-1)+T(A-1,B)
160 NEXT B
170 NEXT A
180 FOR A=1 TO N+1
190 IF A/2=FIX(A/2) THEN T(N,A)=T(N,A)*(-1)
210 NEXT A
300 REM CONSTRUCT AXES OF MONSTER
310 FOR A=1 TO N
320 C(A,1)=1
330 NEXT A
340 D=FIX(N*(S+1)/2)+1-N
350 FOR B=1 TO D
360 C(0,B)=0
370 IF (B-1)/S=FIX((B-1)/S) THEN C(0,B)=T(N,((B-1)/S)+1
380 NEXT B
400 REM NOW THE HOT SAUCE
410 FOR A=2 TO D
420 FOR B=1 TO N
430 C(B,A)=C(B-1,A)+C(B,A-1)
440 NEXT B
450 NEXT A
7

490 GOTO 600

wrote, or rather thats all he wrote, it being the case
500 REM SHOW MONSTER
that it is. So long. . .
510 FOR A=1 TO D
515 FOR B=N TO 0 STEP -1
End of Chapter Questions:
520 PRINT C(B,A);
(hee. . . hee. . . hee. . . )
530 NEXT B
1. Does it work?
535 PRINT
540 NEXT A
2. Why or why not?
600 REM CONSTRUCT EVENT & PROBABILITY DATA
610 FOR A=1 TO D
3. Is there an easier method than monster?
620 E(A+N-1)=C(N,A)
4. Has this ever been shown before, and if so,
630 P(A+N-1)=E(A+N-1)/(S^N)
where?
640 E(N*(S+1)-A-N+1)=E(A+N-1)
650 P(N*(S+1)-A-N+1)=P(A+N-1)
660 NEXT A
700 REM GO PERCENT WITH THE PROBS
710 FOR A=N TO N*S
725 P(A)=INT(P(A)*1000000)/10000
730 NEXT A
799 GOTO 900
800 REM PRINT PROB CHART
801 PRINT
805 PRINT"SUM
EVENTS
PROBABILITY":PRINT
810 FOR A=N TO N*S
820 PRINT A;"
";E(A);"
";P(A);"%"
830 NEXT A
900 REM P(Y=>X)
910 FOR A=X TO N*S
920 Z=Z+P(A)
930 NEXT A
940 PRINT:PRINT"P(Y=>";X;") =";Z;"%"
950 PRINT
1000 END
Sometimes I think I learn more when I stay
home from school.
Just some additional notes on the programs. . .
Unlike our three-act solution which finds the
Dave Nadler
probability of totaling a specific value on nds, these
[email protected]
programs go an extra step and find the probability
University of Kentucky
of totaling a particular value or getting above that
value. Sounds a lot like the p-value in Statistics,
come to think of it. The reason the programs were
designed to do this relates more to my specific application than to any idle theory (yes. . . Im doing all
this for a reason). If you want to see the full process
as per the three-act solution, just delete lines 490 and
799 from monster, and itll show you the whole speel
of how its getting what its getting. If out of range
errors start cropping up, you may have to extend the
variable dimensions, but other than that, the progs
should work just fine. As a final sidenote, beware
that for high ns the simulation program will get real
slow. Just a little warning there. For the time it took
to get an answer, it really didnt make sense to extend the n 10 constraint. Anyways, thats all she
8

Interstellar, Intrastellar, and Space Travel List

(How To Get There From Here)
Version 1.2
c
1991
Jack De Winter
Jack a.k.a. Wildside
[email protected]
[email protected]
University of Waterloo, Canada

This

is version 1.2 of Jacks list of forms of space

Thanks
travel from fantasy and science fiction literature,
movies and television, and, of course, RPGs. This Thanks to the following people who have contributed
list is neither an acceptance, nor a denial, of the idea to the list. They are listed in alphabetical order to
that the forms of travel listed herein may, in fact, be avoid hurt feelings.
possible. If the reader has any corrections or additions, he is encouraged to contact Jack by writing to:
3040 [email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
Jack a.k.a. Wildside
[email protected]
80 Churchill Dr. Unit 30
[email protected]
Waterloo, ON, Canada
[email protected]
N2L 2X2
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
Compilation History
[email protected]
Version Version Date
Comments
[email protected]
1.0
Mid-Nov, 1990 Original
[email protected]
1.1
Dec 12, 1990
New Section: Gates
[email protected]
1.1.1
Jan 10, 1990
Corrections & Additions
[email protected]
1.2
Jan 31, 1991
Cross-Referencing
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
Copyright 1990, 1991 Jack De Winter. All Rights [email protected]
served. This document is the sole property of the compiler. No
[email protected]
part of this list may, in part or in whole, be reproduced, stored
[email protected]
in a retrieval system, translated, transcribed, or transmitted in
[email protected]
any form or by any means manual, electric, electronic, electromagnetic, mechanical, chemical, optical, or otherwise, without
[email protected]
prior explicit written consent from the compiler except for [email protected]
poses of personal and private reading. Use of this article, in
[email protected]
part or in whole, for commercial purposes is forbidden without
[email protected]
prior consent of the compiler of this list. Use of this article
for personal and private enjoyment is acceptable, and is [email protected]
couraged as long as the article remains in whole, with the [email protected]
ception of minor formatting changes to acommodate different
[email protected]
word-processing systems. If major changes in the formatting
[email protected]
are needed, the consent is needed from the compiler of the list.
9

[email protected]
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YOURAA@morekypr

Adams, Douglas.
Almost
Life, The Universe, and Everything.
identical except that it uses waiters in an Italian restaurant instead of a cup of tea.
Anderson, Poul. The Avatar. A system of artifacts, set up by an alien race, establish artificial
jump points in the universe.
Anderson, Poul. Flandry series. Similar to the
drive from the game 2300 AD. The quirk with
this drive is that beam weapons between two
ships only work if the two ships have the same
skip rate. (q.v. FTL-Games: 2300 AD.)
Anthony, Piers. Macroscope. Uses the idea that
space is actually folded. Therefore the warp
drive links two points in space that touch at the
fold and travel is seen to be instantaneous. A
large gravity well is needed for such transitions,
so the ships ususally carried around large asteroids. Also, do to the high-pressure conditions of
transport, the human tissue had to be liquefied,
then vaporized before transit, and restored after
the transit had been completed.
Asimov, Isaac. Foundation Series.
type of drive as I, Robot.

Uses same

Asimov, Isaac. I, Robot. Operates by form of a

controlled nuclear explosion. The people were
legally dead, while in transit, but lived through
the experience. A problem was encountered due
to the Three Robotic Laws where the interpretation of harm seemed to include temporary nonexistence while in transit. There was also a
problem because the drives were to complicated
for humans to build, so super brain robots did
Faster Than Light Drives
instead. Their positronic brains, of course, froze
when they discovered that the passengers would
Books:
be dead at one point (regardless of their final
state!) so a special super-brain was made that
(Unknown). Perry Rhodan. This comic series uses
could deal with temporary deadness. The two
a gravity well attached to the front of the ship
passengers, as i recall, had terrible nightmares
using a magnetic container. When going Faster
while in transit (scenes from hell, etc. . . ) this
Than Light, the field is intensified until a black
was the work of the super-brain, who had dehole is created by which the ship can enter hyveloped a sense of humor in order to deal with
perspace. The acceleration range is usually bethe temporary deaths. Entering transit from too
tween 500 and 800 km/s2 , and ship seem to fall
deep within a gravity well causes really ugly side
into suns if they are in planetary systems.
effects.
Adams, Douglas.
Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. The idea is Asimov, Issac. Robot Detective Series. Jump
that the infinite improbability drive places you
drives are used, but they under control of spacers, humans who do not live on Earth, but out
at every point in the universe at the same time.
in space. The drive has the side effect of making
Has really weird side effects. Uses a cup of tea
people who use it feel sick.
somewhere in the design process.
10

Asimov, Isaac. Nemesis. The superluminal drive

negates the effect of inertia allowing many multiples of the speed of light. Computer controlled
and the vessel remains in real space. However,
the speed of light is treated as Ground Zero.
Above the speed of light gravity repels objects
rather than attracting them.
Asimov, Isaac. Thiotimoline To The Stars. Uses
Azimovs famous substance thiotimoline as a
drive. Uses logical inconsistencies from the previous books (like the fact that it goes into the
water before the water hits it).
Bertin. A drug reminiscent of LSD is used to unleash the full power of the human brain and teleportation across interstellar distances becomes
possible.

Empires of Flux & Anchor,

Masters of Flux & Anchor,
Birth of Flux & Anchor,
Children of Flux & Anchor. Travel is accomplished by punching a hole in the universe to a
layer of raw energy (called Flux) that surrounds
the universe. There, the speed of light is millions of times greater than that of our universe,
and when something is shot into the boundary,
it will eventually return to our universe due to a
weaker boundary between the Flux and the universe. Later in the books, gates are established
in space and on planets where ships can be sent
through. The location of exit points in our universe are generally not known as they are far
away. (q.v. Gates-Books: Chalker, Jack: Soul
Rider Series.)

seBlish, James. Flying Cities Series. Travel was Cook, Glen. Darkwar
Warlock,
Ceremony.
Space
ries:
Doomstalker,
performed using a spindizzy drive which optravel is performed using witchcraft which uses
erated on a little known law of physics. The
Ghosts to move the ships. There is also a runspeed obtained is proportional to the mass (i.e.
in with a technological civilization that uses an
larger mass, larger speed). Cities and planets
unspecified hyperdrive system.
were hooked up to this drive.
Startide Rising, Foster, Alan Dean. Humanx
Brin, David. Earthclan,
Commonwealth Series. The KK Drive uses
The Uplift War. One of the species uses a drive
a gravity field which is projected in front of the
that suppresses reality, hence no lightspeed barship. The ship moves, then the field moves, etc.
rier. Really dangerous concept though. Other
Takes advantage of the fact that as you approach
species used drives that could only be used at
the speed of light, gravitational acceleration is
particular points near stars. The humans and
constant.
their uplifted children utilize a quasi-jump drive
augmented with a stasis field to slow down time
Gemmell, David. Sipstrassi
Tales
series:
for the occupants of the ship.
Wolf in Shadow/The Jerusalem Man,
Bujold, Lois McMaster. Miles Vorkosigan seGhost King,
Last Sword of Power,
ries and associated books: Shards of Honor,
The Last Guardian. The power of the magical
The Warriors Apprentice,
Ethan of Athos,
Sipstrassi Stones is used to open gates between
Falling Free,
Borders of Infinity,
different places and times. The gates are direct
Brothers In Arms, The Vor Game. This method
connections, everything passes through in both
of travel utilizes wormholes in the universe. Speways including light and gravity.
cial jump pilots are given direct mind-computer
links in order to navigate the wormholes. While Haldeman, Joe. The Forever War. A drive that
used black holes was used in this novel, but not
a jump will take hours for a pilot and will be
much of the inner workings were explained.
very draining, the rest of the crew do not notice
the voyage.
Harrison, Harry. Bill the Galactic Hero.
A
Bloater Drive is used which acts like a rubber
Chalker, Jack. Wells of Souls series. In this seband. You stretch the size of the ship until it
ries, the universe is a giant computer running
stretches to your destination and then let go of
a simulation. Therefore, if you change the bits
the tension from the starting point.
that represent your location, you change two.
Seeing as this can involve a hyperspace approach,
AnHeinlein, Robert. Methuselahs Children.
it seems like Faster Than Light.
drew Jackson Libby discovers a way to propel
Chalker, Jack.
the ship through space at barely sublight speeds
Soul Rider series: Spirits of Flux & Anchor,
and the explanation is detailed in the reference
11

in the Sublight section. When the ship travoccur in the space-time continuum. The ship
els to the planet of the Gods of the Jockaccelerates to a speed near the speed of light
aira, the Gods use another type of faster than
and enters the congruency. If the congruency is
light drive in order to transport them to another
entered with the right velocity vector, the ship
planet, somewhat like Eden. Observing the trip,
jumps to a destination point. These congruenLibby talked to the dominant species there and
cies are fixed and a fair amount of effort is put
came up an analagous faster than light drive.
into charting new ones.
They then use this drive to return to the Solar System. This drive is also used in Hein- Heinlein, Robert. Time Enough For Love. This
drive, the Libby drive, transports the ship to an
leins books Time Enough For Love, with posalternate dimension when the ship is in flight.
sibly some new improvements being made to
The ship is totally cut of from the space-time
the drive. (q.v. FTL-Books: Heinlein, Robert:
continuum and has a side effect of having a poTime Enough For Love, Sublight Books: Heintential to be as many years off target as there
lein, Robert: Methuselahs Children.)
are light years in the jump.This is possibly an
improved version from the one that is used in
Heinlein, Robert A. Number of the Beast,
Methuselahs Children. (q.v. FTL-Books: HeinThe Cat Who Walks Through Walls,
lein, Robert: Methuselahs Children.)
To Sail The Sunset. Based in a 6-dimensional
space, you can instantaneously travel to where
Herbert, Frank. Dune, Dune Messiah. The travel
you want to go provided you know the proper
used in the book stems from the work of one
vectors. Upon arrival, you can be anywhere, anyperson: Holtzmann. In order to travel, it was
when, with any speed below that of the speed
necessary to use the three-dimensional version of
of light. The drive is computer controlled and
the Holtzmann Effect, also called the Suspenuses virtually no power. It can also be as small
sor Nullification Effect. This effect moved the
or as possible as the user desires. A good exship into hyperspace, where the travel speed
ample of this is the first test of the drive on a
was quicker. Navigators, people who hve muspaceplane, where the drive was disguised as a
tated due to overexposure to the spice melange,
sewing machine. The mechanics of the drive are
we responsible for seeing that the ship got to its
like that of a simple gyroscope. If you push a
destination quickly and safely. They did this by
gyroscope, it moves with a result vector that is
searching the possible futures and then bring the
ninety degrees from the vector of the push. Exship around that time line. The Navigators were
trapolate this into a push from three orthogoimportant as computers didnt exist in that uninal directions simultaneously. Then assume that
verse, due to the work of the Butlerian Jihad.
space-time is composed of three space axis and
Before him, computers were used to transport
three time axis with all of them being orthogthe ships. More about the effects discovered by
onal. When that gyroscope is pushed, it will
Holtzmann appear in the same heading in the
appear from our point of view. However, from
section on Ansibles And Other Communication
the gyroscopes point of view, one or more of the
Devices. (q.v. Ansibles-Books: Herbert, Frank:
normal four space-time axis have been rotated
Dune, Dune Messiah.)
out and replaced with the other two. With six
6
axis there are 66 possible combinations, 666 be- Hogan, James Patrick. Giants Star. The coning the number of the beast. With the normal
cept used for this drive is the passage of the ship
space-time axis plus two more axis, it is possible
through and artificially generated toroid-shaped
to rotate into another dimension, time, or poblack hole. By controlling the parameters such
sition with a result velocity vector in the space
as size, rotation speed, attitude, and others, a
dimensions being in existance. The device itself
hyperspace tunnel was created to a destination
is a very simple gyroscope spinning in a vacuum,
that could be light years away where a correwith the only energy needed for the drive being
sponding black hole was formed and was used to
that to keep the gyroscopre spinning.
exit hyperspace. If the ships did not gain at least
a light days distance from any planets, the black
Heinlein, Robert A. Starman Jones. The starhole would disrupt the orbit of the planet. More
ship in question accelerated to the speed of light
than a light years distance was needed if the ship
where it jumped elsewhere through the use of
was not designed for this mode of travel.
congruencies. The conguencies are a form of
space warp that is dependent on the folds that King, Stephen. Tommyknockers. This drive is run
12

off of the minds of the slaves that are kept on

board of the ship. The effects on the slaves are
not very nice.

is the pain that is caused by the Upsilon field and

usually only Metapsychics who can use a mitigator to dull the pain can go very fast. As the pain
experienced is proportional to speed, passenger
ships go nice and slow.

Kube-McDowell, Michael P. Trigon Disunity

series: Emprise, Enigma, and Empry. The
AVLO drive creates an artificial gravity field in McCaffery, Anne. Dragonriders of Pern series.
In this series, all of the creatures descended from
front of the ship, causing the ship to fall into
dragons have the ability to go between. There
it. Because the fields distance to the starship
is one book in which they actually travel to anis fixed, the field falls at the same rate as the
other planet by this method in order to try and
ship, producing forward acceleration. The accelkill alien spores. As the dragons go to a cold,
eration is constant right up to lightspeed, and bedark void, and then out of their destination, it
yond, into the craze of FTL speeds. The ship
could be argued that they are going through
is cut off from the outside universe during the
jump space at the time.
craze, and significant time dialation occurs. A
small percentage of people undergoing the craze
McCollum, Michael. Antares Series. The indevelop psychological problems due to being unstantaneous transport scheme used here is based
able to tell if the universe is still there outside
upon the heavy gravity wells of stars. In these
the ship.
wells exist folds that are half of a pair of folds.
It is then possible to travel from one fold to its
Uses
LEngel, Madelaine. A Wrinkle in Time.
partner fold. The heavier the star, the more
the idea that space and time can be folded so
fold points are contained within its gravity well.
that any two points touch. A tesserect is used
The existence of the folds themselves are actufor travel and the three ladies, Mrs. Who, Mrs.
ally functions of the mass of the star and of the
What, and Mrs. Which use mental power in ortarget star. If a star goes supernova, all fold
der to travel through the tesseract to their despoints leading to that star are either destroyed
tination.
or severely distorted instantaneously. As well as
Longyear, Barry B. SHAWNA, Ltd.. This short
the fold points near the star being changed, all
story uses a device called the SHAWNA (Suof foldspace was altered, some effects being inperluminal Hegelian Absolutized World Neospastantaneous and some effects spreading outwards
tial Amplifier) which allows philosophers to sit
at the speed of light.
around and to think the ship from one place to
Niven, Larry. Known
another.
Space Series/Universe. Technology purchased
Martin, George. WildCard
Sefrom aliens where there is a fixed speed-limit of
ries. Dr. Tachyons ship, Baby, uses a tachyon
x light years per hour. This rate of transport depropulsion system where the ship and its occupends which hyperspace is entered as there are
pants are transformed or considered to behave
five levels ranging from, I want to be there now
like a single particle, in this case a tachyon. A
to Next month is okay too. Weird psychological
weapon is also used that follows these principles.
effects on people travelling through this hyperThe Takisian names for the drive and weapon
space, as the hyperspace is treated as a big blind
are ghostdrive and ghostlance. The reason for
spot by the optic nerves. While it is possible to
Faster Than Light travel is the property of the
go outside of the ship in hyperdrive, it is quite
emulated particle, in this case the tachyon which
possible that you will forget what sight is until
can theoretically travel faster than the speed of
you look back at the ship. Therefore, while it
light.
is possible to have your eyes open and your face
towards the viewport, it is impossible to look out
May, Julian. Exiles Series. Ships pass into a
of the viewport. There is also a strange disapplace called the grey limbo in order to travel.
pearance that occurs if the jump passes too close
An Upsilon field is created for the ship to enter
to a gravity well.
and exit hyperspace, and if the spacial lattices
of the ship are not adjusted properly to the new Niven, Larry and Pournelle.
surroundings after emergence, then the rubber
The Mote In Gods Eye. Takes place in the fuband effect sends the ship back to its original
ture of the CoDominium universe (q.v. Pourpoint. The problem with this mode of transport
nelle, Jerry) about 1000 years and uses Pour13

nelles Alderson drive.. (q.v. FTL-Books: Pournelle,Jerry: CoDominium Series.)

than light systems are mentioned, but are not

described in detail.

Niven, Larry. One Face. The ship travels into an Scott, Melissa. Five-Twelfths of Heaven,
Silence in Solitude,
Overspace which has two possible subspaces:
The Empress of Earth. Alchemy is used in order
c=0 or c=infinity. Interesting consequences if
to get the ship into hyperspace where medieval
the wrong one is entered. Apparently, this type
symbology used in the drive can take effect.
of drive is the ancestor of the drives used in the
Known Space universe.
Shaw, Bob. Night Walk. The faster than light
travel is accomplished with a hyperspace that
Niven, Larry. One-Way Street. In this short story,
is very warped with respect to our space. In the
a really novel approach is used. The crew is
beginning, it was very hard to predict where you
placed in suspended animation for a sublight
would end up, so drones were send out to hopevoyage to the destination, followed by a time
fully find useful routes, and once found, they
travel backwards to the starting date of the jourwere jealously guarded. However, the hero of
ney. Depending on the method used to travel
the story discovers that the hyperspace maps to
backwards, this could be considered Faster Than
some previously abstract mathematical space.
Light.
Pohl, Frederick. Heechee Series. By removing Simmons, Dan. Hyperion, The Fall of Hyperion.
The Hawking Effect Drive is a faster than light
all of the mass from the ship, the limitation
drive that experiences the problem of the objecabout accelerating masses to luminal velocities
tive time, that is the time experienced by the
would disappear.
traveller, is less than the subjective time, that
Pournelle, Jerry. CoDominium
Series,
is the time experienced by people that are not
A Step Father Out. Transportation was possimoving. The ships are then able to set up sinble using the drive along lines of equal nucleargularity spheres which are used for interstelmagnetic flux between stars. This only works for
lar distance teleporters called farcasters, and is
certains points in space. There were a series of
further described in the entry under the Gates
these points around most stars, some within the
section. An ansible is used and is described
photospheres of some of these stars. (A friend
under the Ansibles sections. (q.v. Ansibleof his, Dan Alderson, wrote a six page proof on
Books, Gates-Books: Simmons, Dan: Hyperion,
how this couldnt work, and Pournelle named the
The Fall of Hyperion.)
drive after him for pointing this fact out.) Thus
of
a ship would jump at star one and would jump Smith, Cordwainer. Instrumentality
Mankind
Series:
to star two. This drive is called the Alderson
The Colonel Came Back From Nothing-At-All,
Drive and produces a slight amount of discomThe
Game of Rat and Dragon,
fort after use. One theory is that the drive sends
The
Burning of the Brain. Uses two kinds of
the vessel to an alternate universe where gravity
drives,
the Space-2 and Space-3 drives. While
wells are inverted and thusly, the ship would slide
most
of
the details are left out, the Space-2 drive
down one gravity gradient and glide up another
involves going two dimensional. These drives are
gradient before instantaneously appearing in the
put onto planoforming ships which have defense
target solar system. This drive is explained in
crews which consist of teams of feline and huvery good detail in the book A Step Farther Out
man pinlighters who ward of the energy-beast
which is edited by Pournelle.
dragons who live there. After jumps using the
Sagan, Carl. Contact. The drive used in this book
Space-3 drive (which was instantaneous), a Gouses wormholes for travel.
Captain would consult star charts to figure out
how far off course they were. In the last story, an
Schmitz, James H. The Witches of Karres. The
indication is made that a drive could be hooked
residents of the planet Karres have developed
up to a mansion so that people could have a
a form of magic. One of its more useful manpleasant afternoon at a cocktail party, end up
ifestations is the Sheewash Drive, which is a
at their destination in a leisurely fashion.
mentally powered drive that can propel spaceships (and, with enough people, planets) at very Smith, E.E. Doc. Lensman Series. Drive renders ship inertialess. Speeds of greater than 100
high speeds exceeding that of light. Other faster
14

parsecs per hour. People uncomfortable due to Zahn, Timothy. Cascade Point,
A
total loss of inertia. Collisions with inert objects
Evidence of Things Not Seen (novellas).
Colloton field is generated around a stationcause ship to stop and tractors pull the vesary ship. While in this field, small real rotasels together. Speed limit is that of the friction
tions of the ship produce huge displacements of
of interstellar gas against the shields of the vesthe ships position in real space, measured in
sel versus the thrust of the main drive (which
lightyears. There are only certain locations at
is reactionless). Much better at intergalactic
which this works correctly; they are called casspace then intragalactic space due to density
cade points. The ships must use a sublight drive
changes. Also, a hyperspatial tube, a mind conto travel from one point to the next. In the stotrolled Gunther Drive, and a hyperspace drive
ries, the Colloton drive is used commercially, but
are used.
not fully understood. Ships are known to simSmith, E.E. Doc. Spacehounds of the IPC. A
ply disappear. A poorly-understood side-effect
cosmic intake is used in order to allow the ship
of the drive is that while the Colloton field is ento move at slower than light speeds.
gaged, images of the crew and passengers appear
that are apparently alternate-universe versions
Spinrad, Norman. Subjectivity
from
of them. They are unsettling to most people; for
The Last Hurrah of the Gloden Horde. A starthat reason, everyone but the pilot of the ship is
ship crew is drugged out on Omnidrene, a new
drugged during cascade rotations.
hallucinogen, and move their ship by instantaneously concentrating together. While techni- Zahn, Timothy. Warhorse. Space Horses were
cally not a drive, a drive is developed by sciendiscovered, a life-form that lives in space, and
tists observing what had happened.
feeds on elements found in small asteroids. They
have the ability to jump instantaneously from
Spinrad, Norman. The Void Captains Tale. Apstar-system to star-system.
They are nonparantly a faster than light drive is used here
sapient, but can be tamed. A ship tethered to a
which is sex-powered.
horse goes with it when it jumps. Why the horses
can do what they do is not understood, but that
Vance, Jack. The Killing Machine. The drive used
doesnt stop intelligent beings from making use
here is often referred to as Vances standard
of them.
faster than light drive.

Movies and Television:

Vance, Jack. The Palace Of Love. An intersplit

drive is used to make the ship go faster Battlestar Galactica. The ships are able to move
than light. A substance called space-foam is
at superluminal velocities by using a Maron
whorled into a spindle; the pointed ends crack
drive. This drive creates a field around the ship
and split the foam, which has no inertia; the
which allows for great velocities inside of the
ship inside the whorl is insulated from the effiled. A chemical fuel, tylium, is used in order
fects of the universe; the slightest force propels
to generate the enormous power needed to make
it at an unthinkable rate. Light curls through the
the field work.
whorl, we have the illusion of seeing the passing
universe. Therefore, if someone were to carry a Blakes 7. A time-distort system is used that distorts space-time where a plasma drive is utilized
small unit like this on his person, they would befor the travel itself. The result is that the bubcome invisible and a single breath would be capable goes faster than light with the ship encase
ble of drifting a million miles in a single breath.
within.
Vance, Jack. Rialto the Marvelous.
The castle,
through the use of magic, is able to obtain faster Doctor Who. The TARDIS, a vessel that is transdimensional, is able to travel through the use
than light speeds.
of the vortex. The vessel itself only exists as
Wren, M.K. The
an inner dimension, and an outer appearance is
Phoenix Rebellion series: Sword of the Lamb,
normally maintained when the ship is not going
Shadow of the Swan, House of the Wolf. A hythrough the time-vortex. As the outside of the
perdrive is used powered by matter/anti-matter
ship does not technically exist, it is easy for the
annihilation. Later this is replaced by matter
vessel to move quickly throughout the universe
transmission.
as it does not have to observe the rules regarding
15

the speed of light. This requires a massive power

source, like that gained by arresting a black hole.

if the fold-jump drive is actually repititions of the

first drive, or if the ship goes into a hyperspace
where there are time-dilation effects.

Dune. Unlike the book, in the movies, humans who

have been genetically altered for a higher psy- Star Trek, The Original Series. By placing a
chic capability using the spice Melange are able
ship inside of a warp bubble, that is a field
to change the physical location of an object by
where the ship can break certain laws of physics
simply wishing it to go somewhere else. (q.v.
as we know them, the ship can break the speed of
FTL-Books; Herbert, Frank; Dune)
light barrier. Warp speed is Warp Factor cubed
times the speed of light.
Explorers. In this movies, the kids dream up and
create a generator that causes an inertialess bub- Star Trek, the Next Generation. Like the origble to be created. The kids then build the ship
inal Star Trek, but faster. Due to technologifrom scrap parts.
cal advances, the ship can be placed in alternating warp fields to gain a theoretical maximum of
100,000 times the speed of light. Warp speed is
figured at the Warp Factor quintupled times the
speed of light, that is to say that theoretically,
Warp 10 is the fastest speed possible.

Last Starfighter. The StarDrive that is used here

allows the vessel to cover great distances in really short amounts of time. Doppler red shift is
included.

Planet of the Apes. The ship that is used in the

movies seems to be capable of faster than light Star Wars Trilogy: Star Wars,
The Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi.
travel, or sublight travel with a time warp effect.
Uses the idea of a hyperspace where some of the
It is used in order to get to the future planet
laws of the universe are reversed, in particular,
Earth, and the two intelligent chimpanzees use
ships cannot travel slower than the speed of light.
the drive to get back to the past in order to try
Therefore, all hyperspace-capable starcraft have
and stop the holocaust.
a device called a hyperspace motivator which
Robotech. There are three types of drives that are
shifts the ship into hyperspace. Objects that exused. The first two are part of the same drive.
ist in real space have an analogue in hyperspace,
The SpaceFold system uses the drive as a one
except for a realspace object that is currently
shot jump, and the superluminal drive uses the
in hyperspace. This makes navigation incredibly
reaction on a continuous basis. The protoculcomplex and navigational computers (navputers
ture that is used to power the drive is mixed
)are used to calculate the pathways before a hywith magnetic monopole ore, the result being the
perspace jump.
creation of a fold in space. The ship then jumps
across the fold and arrives at the new point. The Games:
spores from a plant called the Flower of Life,
can also be placed in a sealed container at a given 2300 AD. An follow up to the game, Twilight 2000,
the drive used called the stutterwarp creates
pressure. As a result, cell division is arrested and
little jumps within spacetime. These jumps are
the resulting heat is transferred into electrical enusually 100-200m quantum jumps which gives
ergy. The side effect is that the machines that
the ship the illusion of flickering or stuttering
utilize this energy gain a form of semi-sentience
forward. The tunneling or jumping that is perin the form of reflexes. The third type of drive
formed is repeated millions of time per second.
uses a mutant strain of the Flower of Life called
Unfortunately, within a gravity field greater than
the Ur flower. The two setbacks of this drive
1/10000th of a gee, the efficiency of the drive
are that people age while the drive is operating,
drops to 0.01%. Therefore, a ship trying to jump
and that only the beings from the planet that
from Earth (Terra), would have to be 2.4 Astrothe Ur flowers come from can activate the flower
nomical Units from the Sun, not allowing for the
and hence the drive. The beings must touch the
possibilities of planets close to the ship. This is
flower before it is put into the engine, as opposed
apparently one of the only superluminal drives
to the Flower of Life where anyone with a matrix
based on existing physical concept. Similar drive
can make protoculture from the Flower of Life.
(but without the gravity problem) can be found
The first drive can also be called a hyperjaunt
in the Flandry series, by Poul Anderson. (q.v.
drive, the second is a fold-jump system, with the
FTL-Books: Anderson, Poul: Flandry series.)
third definitely being superluminal. It is unclear
16

Battletech. Here, the Kearney-Fuchida Jump drive

and travels at an angle perpendicular to the noris used. The drive coil rips the fabric of space
mal space. There seems to be a limit if one
open allowing the ship to travel to the target
month in T-space before fatal problems arise.
star. Most jump points are at the zenith or nadir
Included for
(the north and south poles of a star) and the Spelljammer. Spelljammer Helm.
completeness,
this
drive
is
magical
in nature,
jump distance is limited to approximately nine
and
allows
the
ship
in
question
to
travel
through
parsecs.
space. All laws suspended here.
Expendables, Stellar Games. In this game, the
1
most modern form of hyperdrive was sold Star Frontiers. The ship accelerates to 6 speed of
light where an effect that is natural in the uniuniquely by a group called The Company, who
verse causes the ship to go into a hyperspace that
also regulated the fuel used for the drive. The
lasts for a few seconds. The ship then exits at the
fact that the drive itself was a container for a
other side and must begin braking maneuvers.
bizarre alien creature that lived around the event
horizon of black holes, and developed an ability Star Wars. See the entry under the Star Wars Trilto warp between two points in space as a natuogy. (q.v. FTL-Movies and Television; Star
ral ability. The larger the creature, the larger the
Wars Trilogy)
ship that it could transport. Also need was hardware to translate the computer co-ordinates into Traveller, MegaTraveller. Jump Drives.
The
signals that the creature could understand and
ship goes into another dimension where it goes to
thereby guide the creature to where they wanted
a corresponding point that represents its position
to go. The creatures had to be continually fed
in the normal universe. The transition is made
with a fuel only made at the event horizon of
using high energies (achieved by fusing enormous
a black hole, with a larger amount being fed to
amounts of hydrogen very fast) and using that
the creature at jump time. The shipowners were
energy to tear a hole in the fabric of the unitotally unaware of the nature of their drive.
verse into Jumpspace. While in Jumpspace, an
internal Grid creates a containment field that
GURPS Space. Hyperdrives. Class of drives where
allows normal physical laws to be retained as
the ship travels for finite durations through a
Jumpspace has other laws. These laws are so
space that is not real space. Ships can usually
varied that closeness to the protective field will
navigate and maneuver in hyperspace, but they
result in insanity or death. Some species are toare unable to perceive or otherwise effect anytally unable to exist, even in a protective field,
thing in real space. The transit time through
with Jumpspace. The maximum jump distance
this dimension may be different from the time
has been built into the drives and is Jump6. Evmeasured in the home dimension.
ery jump takes approximately 160 hours, with
the amount of fuel used for the jump being proGURPS Space. Jump Drives.
Instantaneous
portional to the mass of the vessel and the distransmission of the object through great distance to be jumped. The one important concept
tances. This automatically precludes any mais that a ship should not enter Jumpspace near
neuvering while going faster than light as the
gravity wells. Any violation of this usually leads
amount of time at that speed is not perceivable.
to misjumps which will place the ship at a wrong
Depending on the campaign setting, the starting
destination, damage to the ship and/or the crew,
point and the destination point may be limited.
effect the time needed for a jump, or destroy the
ship totally. If a ship is not only within a gravGURPS Space. Warp Drives. Any drive that cirity well, but also very close to a gravity source,
cumvents the speed of light on travel through
the ship will be attracted to that source, usureal space. This type of a ship is able to perally emerging within 100 diameters of the mass.
ceive and effect the real universe even though it
Once a ship has entered jump space, the only
is going at faster than light speeds. The ship is
way to abort the jump is the destruction of the
also able to maneuver and navigate in the real
ship.
space.
Renegade Legion. A tachyon drive is used where Universe. Each jump ship contains a psionic navigation officer and the jump grid which is a grid
the ship is accelerated to a speed just short of
of magnetic monopoles. The navigation officer
that of light, and then activating the tachyon
pictures the destination and imposes this on the
drive. The ship is then transferred to T-space
17

grid. As the grid changes, the ship jumps. This DeChancie, John. Starrigger books. The gateis really bad if done in a gravity well and the navways used in this series of books are in the form
igator stands a chance of getting psionic backof an interstellar highway built by an unknown
lash.
power. Roads across the planets lead to giant,
rotating, levitating cylinders which bracket the
Warhammer 40,000. Like other methods, this one
road. Vehicles travelling in the right speed range
uses a warp space. The main difference is that
are instantly teleported to a similar pair of such
the warp space used is like a fluid. Thus, in orcylinders on another planet. The process is not
der to go from point A to point B, you need to
reversible, so people are reluctant to map unexcatch a current and ride that current. A point
plored areas for fear that they will not be able
of interest is that there are physical landmarks
to get home.
in this version of warp space. As there are no
landmarks, psychic Navigators are used in order Feist, Raymond. Magician Apprentice,
Magician Master, Darkness At Sethanon. An
to locate psychic beacons that have been set up.
interdimensional rift exists between the worlds.
The problem with this is that only people from
the Navigator families that have the Navigator
Harrison, Harry. One Step From Earth.
This
gene are able to do this. In order to keep the psybook is a collection of stories using a matter
chic beacons activating, thousands of lives each
transmitter that forms a gateway between one
day must be sacrificed in order to keep them
place and the other.
going. If this was not complicated enough, a
species called Warp Demons lives in the warp Herbert, Frank. The Dosadi Experiment,
space and want to take over the normal universe.
Whipping Star. These novels use gates that
are controlled by sentient stars that have
a four-dimensional consciousness. Also used
were psionicists for the purpose of communication. (q.v. Ansible-Books: Herbert, Frank.
The Dosadi Experiment, Whipping Star.)

Gates & Teleportation

(Unknown). The Stars My Destination. People in

society use trainable psychic power in order to Langford, David. The Space Eater. Anomalous
teleport to their destination. They have to be
Physics gates. AP devices vary fundamental conable to visualize the destination, otherwise you
stants to get their effect. Imagine E = mc2 as c
would blue jaunt and teleport into a wall and
approaches infinity. The first AP gate was about
explode. Unique in the fact that to prevent bur10 feet across; it eventually blew up (taking half
glary to houses, mazes were built behind the
of North America) and causing 10% of the stars
doors so that the theives wouldnt ever get into
in the Galaxy to simultaneously nova. A safer
the house and therefore be able to teleport in
version exists, but is only 1.95 centimetres across
and out at will.
they chop you into little bits and push you
through. Good book!
Chalker, Jack.
Soul Rider series: Spirits of Flux & Anchor, Niven, Larry. The Theory and Practice of TeleEmpires of Flux & Anchor,
portation (Speculative Essay). This form of
Masters of Flux & Anchor,
travel is definitely unique. Niven supposes a ship
Birth of Flux & Anchor,
that has a teleport sender at one end, and a reChildren of Flux & Anchor.
The gates are
ceiver at the other end. In order to move, the
maintained by large computers that are capaship repetitively teleports itself in front of itself.
ble of digitizing large amounts of mass and then
blasting them through the Flux and the hav- ODonnell Jr., Kevin. The Journeys of McGill
Feighan series: Caverns, Reefs, Lava, Cliffs. In
ing them reconstructed on the other side by an
this series, there exists Flingers, people charged
equally powerful computer. A description of the
with the duty of teleporting people from star to
Flux is given in the Faster Than Light section.
star. There are many interesting twists such as a
(q.v. FTL-Books: Chalker, Jack: Soul Rider
precise mass cutoff while flinging, a strict maxSeries.)
imum on the number of flings per day, as well
Clarke, Arthur C. 2001, 2010. A cosmic gateway
as the fact that a flinger must have visited a
was used.
place in order to Fling someone else to it. The
18

Flinger must go with cargo and or passengers

and the limit for extra weight is exactly 918 kilograms.

the other person, the message is instantaneously

transmitted, no matter how far the distance
is, and the large objects that are in the way
end up emitting the radio waves themselves.
The two-dimensional version of the effect, called
the Holtzmann Shield is used quite often in
the book. The three-dimensional effect is described in detail under the same heading in the
Book section of the Faster Than Light drive section. (q.v. FTL-Books: Herbert, Frank: Dune,
Dune Messiah.)

Simmons, Dan. Hyperion, The Fall of Hyperion.

Gates were established by using singularity
spheres set up by ships travelling at faster than
light speeds. These spheres enabled the use
of farcasters, interstellar distance teleport devices that allow for the instantaneous transfer of
matter by simply stepping through a gate that
is created by the device. The system of these
farcasters is known as the Web, and the gen- Herbert, Frank. The Dosadi Experiment,
eral impression is that each planet has an exWhipping Star. These novels use psionicists as
pensive piece of hardware in orbit that powers
communication devices. The psionicists who are
the gates on the planet below. (q.v. Ansiblecapable of telepathy are used to communicate
Books, FTL-Books: Simmons, Dan: Hyperion,
across interstellar distances. All known telepaths
The Fall of Hyperion.)
are in the employ of the communications company. (q.v. FTL-Books: Herbert, Frank.
Van Vogt, A.E.
The Dosadi Experiment, Whipping Star.)
The Arsenals of Isher, The Weaponsmiths. Instantaneous matter transmission is used within LeGuin, Ursula K.
the solar system by the arsenals. A superluminal
Rocannons World, The Left Hand of Darkness,
drive is also created later by someone working inThe Dispossessed. The author coined the term
dependently, but now details are given.
ansible. The techincal definition of an ansible
is a communication device, one end of which is
Zelazny, Roger. Creatures of Light and Darkness.
mobile, and the other end which must be firmly
In this book, a gate is used for travelling.
rooted within a gravity well. It violates relativity
by allowing instantaneous communication across
Zelazny, Roger. Amber series. In this series,
vast distances.
travel between the different worlds is accomplished by use of Shadow.
Sheffield, Charles. Between the Strokes of Night.
Zelazny, Roger. Changeling,
Madwand,
As in the entry under sub-light drives and methRoadmarks. In these books, the concept of havods of communication, the concept of S-space
ing a road that you can travel that goes between
is used with respect to communication. As the
worlds is used.
metabolic rates are slowed down, the messages
seems to take days, not months and years, to get
from the sender to the receiver.

Ansibles and Other

Communications Devices
Card, Orson Scott. Enders Game,
Speaker For The Dead. Used an ansible which
was able to transport communications almost instantaneously. (q.v. Sublight-Books: Card, Orson Scott, Enders Game, Speaker for the Dead,
The Worthing Saga.)

Simmons, Dan. Hyperion, The Fall of Hyperion.

The fatline communication system that is used
is a tachyon based system that is independent of
the Web. (q.v. FTL-Books,Gates-Books: Simmons, Dan: Hyperion, The Fall of Hyperion.)

Standard Spaceflight

Herbert, Frank. Dune, Dune Messiah. The com- Anderson, Poul. Tau Zero.
Slower than light
munication is based on the work of Holtzmann.
travel is achieved including a time dilation facThe one-dimensional effect, called Holtzmann
tor.
Waves, creates catastrophic folds in the spacetime continuum which produce long radio waves Burroughs, Edgar Rice. Mars series.
Rays
that controlled gravity were used nad were hept
whenever they impact significant amounts of
in tanks.
matter. Therefore, you point your radio at
19

Card, Orson Scott. Enders Game,

Heinlein, Robert A. Time for the Stars. Sublight
Speaker for the Dead, The Worthing Saga. The
travel is achieved with time dilation being taken
use of slower than light, relativistic travel is
into effect communication is achieved by the use
shown here, complete with the time-dilation efof ESP.
fects. The drive itself allows the ship to go to
speeds near that of that of light and then back, Lindsay, David. A Voyage To Arcturus.
This drive relies on back rays, which are similar
making trips subjectively take weeks. Due to
to light rays that get attracted to the star that
this, Ender Wiggins of the first two books, and
they originated from. If you fill a container with
Jason Worthing of the last book have lived long
them, then the container, and the vessel attached
as they have spent a lot of time in transit. They
to it, will move towards the star in question.
also use an ansible, but not much about it is ever
known. (q.v. Ansible-Books: Card, Orson Scott: Niven, Larry and Pournelle, Jerry.
Enders Game, Speaker for the Dead.)
Footfall. Uses ORIONs to push the ship along.
(q.v. Miscellaneous: ORIONs.)
Chandler, Bertram A. (Unknown).
Uses a
Mannschenn drive.
Rackham, John. The Proxima Project. The ship
Clarke, Arthur C. Imperial Earth.
Uses the
Asymptotic Drive which keeps a charged quantum black hole in the drive chamber using magnetic fields. Gas pumped into the chamber is
sucked into the black hole which in turn emits
photons which excite the remaining gas. The gas
molecules fly out the drive outlet making a very
efficient reaction drive. Obsolete due to Hawkings work on black hole evaporation.

is propelled by the overbalancing of inertia. A

massive piston moves down very slowly and up
very quickly... thousands of times per second.
The result is the ship that houses the piston begins to rise. Think of being in a canoe. It is
possible to move the canoe by leaning back very
slowly and then move forward with a big jerk.
This drive, while feasible for atmospheric travel,
does not work in space due to the fact that in
order for the above to work, an appropriate frictional surface or medium is needed. It can further be argued that most of the generated energy
in a medium would go to heating the vessel.

This
Dick, Philip K. The Unteleported Man.
story is based on a colony planet where you can
teleport to the planet, but are unable to teleport
back. The title character sets off to the colony Sheffield, Charles. Between the Strokes of Night.
by way of a sublight ship.
After experimenters in sleep research discover a
stable metabolic rate which is 2000 times slower
Forward, Robert. Rocheworld. A solar sail is used
than normal for humans. Physicists also discover
with the suns light being concentrated by a laser
a hyperspace called S-Space where the speed of
and a detachable part is used as a brake when
light is 2000 times slower due to the space itthe destination is reached.
self. Therefore, people lower there metabolic
rates and go into to S-Space, travel at 0.1 times
Heinlein, Robert. Future History. In one of the
the speed of light, and get to the next solar sysLazarus Long stories an inertialess drive is used
tem in only a month instead of 100-200 years.
to go just under the speed of light.
As well, since everything is slowed down, only
Heinlein, Robert. Methuselahs Children.
The
supplies for a month are necessary. The problem
type of sublight used here was one that made the
is that only the metabolic rates of the people in
ship inertialess and allowed the Howards to esthe ship are changed, the laws of the surroundcape the solar system. This operated on the prining universe are not. While, from the travellers
ciple that when the ship lost all inertia, the light
viewpoint, the ship seems to be going faster than
pressure of the Sun would kick it away at just
light, sub-light speeds are used with a form of
under the speed of light. This was made possisuspended animation. The immortals in the
ble by Andrew Jackson Libby. (q.v. FTL-Books;
book also use suspended animation to make the
Heinlein, Robert: Methuselahs Children.)
transit time appear to be nothing.
Heinlein, Robert. Rocketship Galileo. This drive Sheffield, Charles. MacAndrew
stories: The MacAndrew Chronicles. In this series,
uses a type of drive that is called a Nerva system.
Instead of using a fission plant to turn a turbine,
a sub-light drive is used that uses quantum methe superheated fluid is used as a propulsive jet.
chanical vacuum energy, thus getting something
20

from nothing. Of equal interest is the feature Sleeper Ships. The ship in question travels at norused to compensate for inertia at high acceleramal velocities with all of the people on board in
tions. The thrusters are mounted on a huge disk
suspended animation.
of condensed matter with the living quarters on
a column behind this disk. The distance from
the living quarters to the disk is adjustable so
that gravitational attraction of the disk matches
the inertial force due to acceleration.
Vinge, Vernor. Marooned in Realtime. The bobbles are perfect spherical time stasis fields.
They have numerous applications; one of them
is to encase a ship in one, then explode a series
of atom-bombs next to it, like Orion. The passengers are completly insulated from the effects,
including the massive acceleration, due to the
stasis field. The time stasis results in a vastly
reduced perception of travel time, so it is suitable for long interstellar trips.

Miscellaneous
Bussard Ramjets. These are drives that scoop up
ambient atoms in the surrounding area, and use
them in order to make the ship move.
Generation ships. These are usually ships with
sublight drives that travel great distances. In
order to survive until the destination is reached,
the ships is made with the purpose of generations
of people being able to live on the ship itself.
Hyperspace. A common feature of hyperspace is
that, as the mapping between it and real space
is usually quite random, a small error in hyperspace means a big error in real space. Stories are
written about ships that got lost doing a jump.
Light Sails. These are sails made of special materials that capture the waves of photons going
through the universe. It has the same effect that
a wind sail has on an ocean.
ORIONs. Coming from the original form, Project
ORION. Project ORION made use of nuclear
weapons dropped one at a time behind the ship,
which has a larger pusher plate affixed to the
rear. The resultant shockwave from each explosion pushes the ship forward. Messy when
used for launching from Earth. Use on Earth
and in space is now forbidden by international
law, due to the Limited Test Ban Treaty of 1983.
(q.v. Sublight-Books: Niven, Larry and Pournelle, Jerry: Footfall.)
21

Invisible, to telescopic eyes. . .

. . . Infinity, the star that would not die.
Rush: Cygnus

 Navero
Of the Correct and Unalterable Way
Chapters XI, XII, and the teens
c
1990
Daniel Parsons
Harvey Mudd College, Claremont, CA

Navero, of the Correct & Unalterable Way, made his

Arlor: Um. . . climb a smooth wall over boiling

debut on the Internet during the 89-90 school year
lava?
and has been the Roleplayers favorite alterboy ever
since. Chapters eleven thru nineteen appear below Rourk: Whatever is on the other side is sure to be
very interesting. Else, there would not be any
with the authors consent.
lava. Surely you do not believe it could have
occurred naturally in these regions! Or perhaps
you do. But that does not matter; I will not
allow a dwarvish coward to keep me from glory
and renown.

XI

When last we saw our heroes. . . (and heroine)

Kortul: Too risky. Fumes could kill us. Go other

way.

Navero, male human cleric, 2nd level

Navero: I dont want Arlor to go. We should go

the other way. It smells very bad.

Dania, female 1/2-elf MU, 2nd level

Rourk Ravensbane, male drow cavalier, 2nd level
Kortul, male human fighter, 2nd level

Dania: Right. Come on.

Rourk: I see. As I am outvoted, I shall go along
with it. Dont say I am insensitive my companions fears.

Razuli, male human fighter, 1st level

Arlor, male dwarf thief, 1st level
. . . they were in the large cavern just beyond the
staked barrier in the Orc caverns. There were entrances in the north and east, with the entrance they
came in the west. The cave was dry, dead, and uninteresting. We decided to continue; there was an
immediate disagreement about which way to go, but
it was eventually decided to go north. We trekked up
there, and discovered another cave, only there was
no floor. Instead, there was a pit filled with bubbling
molten lava. The heat was quite intense, and the sulfurous gasses produced almost unbearable. Another
entrance was visible, about 20 feet to the left, but we
elected not to try for it. At least, most of us.
Arlor: You want me to what?

Razuli: Why dont you go in, Rourk? Maybe its

just an illusion and if you try, you can walk right
across.
Rourk: Superior vision is well known in my family.
I would not be fooled by some craven spell.
Dania: Riiiiight.
So we went back to the entrance cave and went to
the east. This passage was quite narrower, and so we
decided it would be best to go single file. Again, the
problem of marching order was resurrected.
Rourk: I do not believe such a large blade would
be of much use in a small passage. This requires
a delicacy and agility you lack. Besides, if you
guard the rear of the group, there is less likelihood the enemy will smell us coming.

Razuli: Cmon! Its simple! We just tie a rope

around you, and you climb the wall over the lava
until you reach that exit! Then, we follow you Razuli: Kids, kids! Weve been over and over this
over on the rope.
before. Cant you just go in?
22

Kortul: Elf incompetent. Already shown that.

We quickly deduced that we could dip something in

the sticky fluid, and it would cling; coating an entire
Rourk: Incompetent? You have managed to im- torch easily produced an illumination that equaled
press me; that had 4 syllables in it, and I had the lantern. Now having a better light source, we
thought such to be beyond you. But then, you put out the lantern and continued on to the east.
would be familiar with a word used so often by
those around you.
We went walking east; the passage was wide enough
for two at this point, and so there was little argument
Kortul: Yes. Been around you a month, now.
abut marching order. We went down the dark passage, which curved gradually northwards and became
Dania: Oh, Jesus Christ. Will somebody get the very dirty as it did so. We were going up a slight infuck in there?
cline, when all of a sudden, the dirt beneath our feet
burst open, and something leaped out and attacked!
Razuli: Get my fuck into where?
Rourk: Cleric! Keep the light up! (Cuts, hits the
Rourk: I shall lead. (Strides off)
main body.)
(Pause.)

Navero: I got dirt in my eyes!

Dania: Do you think we should follow him?

Dania: FuckingshitgoddamnbastardwhatISit
(Casts magic missile)

Navero: Well, he might meet something that might

try to kill him. And we should be there.

Kortul: (Chops. Hits. Crunch.)

Razuli: A tunneler worm! I saw one in a farmers

field!
Razuli: Yeah. Then we can all sit and laugh at
him.
Navero: (Shoves
glow-torch
between
its
mandibles.)
Kortul: (Grumbles) Come on.
Razuli: Keep out of its way! (Shoves Navero into
We all went down the eastern passage. After a short
wall.)
time, we saw a glow up ahead. This was coming from
a pool of luminous liquid in the middle of a small Navero: OOF!
cave. On the ceiling above this, there was a cluster of Thing: (Sprays acid, torch dissolves.)
luminous fungi; every so often, a drop of the glowing,
gummy liquid would drip off and plop into the pool. Rourk: GLORY AND DEATH! GLORY AND
DEATH! (Cuts into a leg.)
There were exits in the east and south.
Rourk: There you are! Humbled by my example?

Dania: WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?!

Thing: (Dives back into the ground.)

Kortul: You make good scout.

Kortul: Shit. Not dead.

Rourk: I am the advance guard. Come here and
see this discovery of mine. These mushrooms are
obviously magical; what do you know of them,
Mage?

Razuli: Quiet!
Rourk: I refuse. . .
Razuli: We can hear when it comes back!

Dania: Nothing. Why should I study fungi?

We waited, still and listening, but it did not come

Navero: Actually, they look more like slime mold back. We never did find out what it was, and had to
go back for another glow-torch. Further up the tunthan mushrooms.
nel, we discovered a large quantity of animal bones,
Game Master: Whats a slime mold? How many crocodile and boar and such. Nothing here was very
interesting, so we continued on. The passage was runhit dice?
ning almost straight north at this point, and began to
Navero: Uh. . . I was a gardener at the monastery. narrow. Kortul, in a rare moment of quickness, took
Theyre harmless fungi. Please dont kill them. the lead, and was the first to notice the spider-webs.
23

Kortul: Big spider.

Arlor: Um, nope. Nope.

Rourk: You are afraid of insects? Very well then; Navero: Perhaps we should leave them? Theyre
not hurting anything.
stand aside.
Rourk: I agree. There is little honor in slaying
bugs, particularly if they have nothing of value.
Let us return, and go another way.

Razuli: Navero, light a torch.

Dania: We dont need more light, Nav.

Razuli: Thats what you do with spiders. Roast Dania: Aye.

em. To a nice crackly crunch.
Razuli: I what?
Dania: It would be better if we kept, uh, open
flame to an absolute minimum, you know? I Dania: Shut up.
mean, we might hit a gas pocket, or catch some- We all returned to the glowing fungus cave, prepared
bodys clothes on fire, or something.
another couple of glow-torches, and set off to the
Razuli: What are you so bitchy about? Too young south.
for PMS.

Why cant we run into something simple,

like another Dragon?

Dania: Fuck you. Its too dangerous.

Razuli: Its too dangerous to fuck you? Well, I. . .

Dan Parsons

Navero: Please stop saying things like that.

XII

Razuli: What was that?

Navero: Please stop saying things like that to Da- Our heroes (and heroine) went south from the glow
fungus cave, down a wide passage. Dania, Navero,
nia.
and Razuli held lights, glow torches obtained from
Razuli: Well, excuse me!
the pool. Navero kept the map (I showed the DM
that he really was carrying pen, ink, and paper; also
Dania: Youre excused. Bye.
fireplace tongs, a folding chair, 11 herbs and spices,
Rourk: Will you all stop this annoying bickering. and about a gallon of Holy water. The Lords smile
You try my patience as it is. Priest! Light a upon those who are prepared.)
torch.
The passage winded southward until it gradually
Navero: Dania thinks we shouldnt.
widened into a small cave with a dry stream bed
going through. The floor was sandy, especially in
Kortul: Get torch lit.
the stream bed. From the entrance, we could see no
Dania: But fires are dangerous! Fuck the torch. . . hostile entities, and so we went in and examined the
room. One of the first things we saw was a giant caraRazuli: Youre the only one here who can do that, pace half-buried in the stream bed; it seemed to have
Wizzerd.
belonged to some giant crayfish or lobster. Other bits
of cracked exoskeleton lay about, but not much was
Dania: Say that again and Ill blast your face off.
left. There were entrances in the east and west, the
ends of the dry stream, and in the south. We decided
Navero: Uh. . .
to go west.
Arlor: (Appears from tunnel ahead of us.) Um. . .
The westward entrance was in the stream bed, yet
Rourk: (Jumps a bit, recovers.) What is it?
was high and wide enough for us to walk down. At
Arlor: There are big spiders in there, yup. Big as the end was a small kidney-shaped chamber, with a
large hole in the floor. Also inside the room were 4
me.
very large ants - each about 2 foot at the shoulder.
Dania: Oh, thats no problem, then.
Rourk: I am becoming disappointed. I am not here
Kortul: See anything else? Money?
to exterminate insects.
24

Navero: Are they dangerous?

We all went up to look at the slime. It was a bright

greenish, and clung to the floor and walls, but not to
Dania: Hope not. Here they come.
the ceiling. The air was very damp around it, and
the floor muddy. It lay quite still, very wet-looking,
The ants came over and ran their feelers over us. One and rather odorous.
took hold of Kortuls boot in its mandibles, but he
kicked it, and it left him alone. They apparently Navero: It looks like pond scum, or algae.
didnt think much of us, as they left us alone after
Razuli: Probably green slime. Burn it.
that and we were able to explore the room in peace.
Nothing interesting turned up, and so we left, went Dania: Its too wet to burn. You cant burn everyback to the crayfish room, and headed east.
thing, stupid.
Razuli: Who are you calling stupid? Say, whatever happened to your horse, anyway? Did you
misplace it? Loose it?

Eastwards, the passage narrowed considerably;

Rourk took the lead by virtue of his speed of movement, and after some breastbeating and shouting, we
continued on.

Navero: Uh. . .

Dania: Shut up, Nav. Look here, mister: you have

done more plain idiotic things since this started
then the rest of us combined.
The passage continued, sloping gently upwards, until
it branched to the east and north. The stream bed
seemed to be continuing in the eastward branch, so Razuli: Name one!
we took the northern one. It sloped sharply upwards, Arlor: Can I say something?
into a very wide passage with many small stalactites;
Dania & Rourk: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
it continued on north, barren and uninteresting.
Dania: Jesus. Cant you guys just take turns?

Arlor: Umm. . . Forget it.

Dania: Fuck this. This place is boring.

Razuli: Look, kids: why dont we just burn out the

slime, get the treasure, and go. Okay? Okay!

Razuli: Fuck this? Youd have to break off one of

the stalactites first, unless youre..

Dania: It wont burn, you idiot! And fire is danRourk: Shut up. I am rather upset with this engerous!
tire expedition. I came here to gain glory and
renown, and all I have found is dirt and cavern Kortul: (Sticks torch in slime. It comes out undamaged.)
insects. I suggest that we waste no more time
here.
Navero: (Examines slimed torch) Uh. . .
Kortul: Why is floor slimy up there?

Dania: What?

Arlor: Huh?

Navero: This is just some kind of algae, growing

in a pool.

Navero: Oh, ick! It looks like a slug, only bigger!

Rourk: Congratulations, o ye great unwashed. You
have discovered slime. There is not a foe worthy
of me in this entire place.

Dania: But theres no light down here for it to

grow.
Navero: Well, its just algae. Something else must
be feeding it.

Kortul: (Has moved ahead) Gold on other side.

Kortul: (Walks across, through algae. Does not collapse screaming. Reaches pile of gold.) Looks
real. (Prods with blade.) Must be cache.

Razuli: Okay! How we gonna kill it?

Rourk: You may fight the slime, if you wish. Al- Razuli: See how easy that was, kids? Just leave it
though why you would kill your own relatives, I
to the humans to figure it out, eh Rourk?
cannot comprehend.
Rourk: Quiet. (Marches through puddle.) Let
Dania: Lets not try burning it, okay?
me see that.
25

Dania: Okay! Is it the Orcs stuff?

Party: We spread out, Kortul and Rourk move forward. Razuli loads his crossbow, Navero starts
a Chant.

Kortul: Not labeled.

Navero: If it is, we should return it to the people
of the keep.

Game Master: The Orc Chief releases the leashes,

and the two creatures start bounding across the
room towards you, hungrily. They make for Kortul and Rourk.

(Pause.)
Razuli: Nav, we arent working for them anymore,
remember? After the way they treated us?

Kortul: Could you describe these things please?

Game Master: Certainly! They are about 4 feet

at the shoulder, and weigh about 200 lbs. each.
They are rust-colored, and have long antennaelike things on either side of their mouths. They
also have long tails, with the end resembling a
Navero: But we already received a reward. And
propeller.
this should go back to the people it was stolen
from. The villagers are very nice people.
(Pause.)

Rourk: Indeed. This would go only a little way

towards repaying the injuries and insults they
have given us.

Dania: Im sure they are, Nav. But that reward Rourk: Jeff, are these things Rust Monsters?
was pretty small, youve got to admit. And not
Game Master: Why yes, they do look rather like
what we were promised.
them.
Kortul: Gold won, not given. Besides, is it Orcs
(Longer pause.)
?
Navero: But they allowed us into their midst, us Kortul & Rourk: AAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
strangers. They are good at heart, just suspiAnd so, the biggest, buffest dudes in the party all fled
cious. I mean. . .
in a blind panic back through the entrance.
Razuli: Look, lets stow it away for now. When we
get back, we can ask them if theyre missing any Kortul fled to the ant cave, where he shucked his armoney. If they are, we can give it back. Okay? mor (tore the straps, didnt care) and dropped his
sword. He picked up a piece of rock, and prepared
Navero: Well. . . alright. But dont forget to ask himself as the Rust Monster charged greedily after
everyone.
him. His first strike was, naturally, a critical fumble.
He tripped over the Monster and landed on his face
Razuli: Trust me.
beyond it. The monster ran past him and over to
There was no more in there, so we trekked back to the pile where his armor was. Kortul struck again;
the Dead Crayfish cave and went south. The pas- another fumble. He threw his rock across the room.
sage almost immediately opened into a large cavern, The monster was eating his banded mail; it was all
about 80 feet across. Our torches glowed feebly in disintegrating! In a fit of true desperation, Kortul
the vastness. We heard a noise from the other side, tried to lift the monster away and shove it down onto
across the cavern; a huge Orc came out of another a stalagmite. Would you believe another critical fumpassage. The orc had a cunning gleam in his eye, ble? He herniated himself, and the monster ate all his
easily visible from across the room. He was wearing armor. Full, it wandered away with a rather bored
boiled leather, and had a big spiked wooden club; he look on its face, leaving the sword. (I have never
held two strange creatures on leashes. He entered rolled that badly with Kortul, before or since. The
the room, serene and confident; another humanoid, DM took pity on me and let me keep my sword.)
about 11 feet tall and with a frightening amount of
Rourk fled to the glowing fungus cave and dived in
muscle, came in behind him.
the pool. The Rust Monster following him apparently
Rourk: It is their chief. I recognize his stench. didnt like the stuff (lucky for him) and would not
Why he is so much more poorly armed now, enter the pool. So there was Rourk, standing up to
I cannot understand. His own foolishness, no his armpits in glowing goop, with a hungry armordoubt. (Draws swords)
eater at the edge of the pool. Razuli also fled, to
26

the slime cave, but there wasnt a monster to follow Razuli: ME?! Oh, no no no, I really couldnt. I
him. Of course, you realize that this left Dania, Arlor,
insist.
and Navero to deal with the Orc chief and his Ogre
Arlor: (Throws second dagger. Critical, double
friend. . .
damage.) Yeah!
Dania: Oh, shit.
Chief: Grrrr. . . .
Navero: Uh. . . What should we do?
Dania: YOURE ALL A BUNCH OF GUTLESS
ASSHOLES!! (casts Magic Missile)
Chief: I give you the option of surrender. (Heh,
heh.)
Chief: Youll all die! (Swings at Razuli, hits.)
Arlor: One of the true people would never surrenNavero: (Comes up behind chief. Hits, does 3 hit
der! (gulp.)
points.)
Chief: What will you do, then?
Razuli: Oh, fucking shit. . . (Swings, hits)
Dania: FuckingShitGodamnBastardsKILL!!
Arlor: Can I strike him from behind?
(Casts Sleep on Ogre. Ogre drops.)
Navero: Hudsdg! (Command - stop in Orcish.)

Game Master: No, Naveros in the way.

Chief: Amusing. (Throws javelin, misses.)

Arlor: Okay, I go over and kill the Ogre.

Razuli: (Looks in) Are they gone?

Game Master: Okay. You slit its throat, no problem.

Dania: Yes, o my knight in shining armor.

Chief: (Swings, hits Razuli again.)
Arlor: Um, what do we do?
Razuli: Kids, I hate to be a nag, but could you
Razuli: Ah ha! Ill engage him frontally. . . No,
help me kill this thing?
maybe Dania better do that, seeing how shes
got more front to engage. (Shoots crossbow at Dania: Oh, so NOW were all supposed to pitch in,
HUH?
chief, string breaks.)
Navero: Hes trying to wake up the Ogre.

Navero: (Misses.)

Dania: Fuckyou! (casts Magic Missile.)

Dania: (Hits it with her staff. Chief starts wobbling.)

Chief: Ow! You sting, rottin elf! (Throws javelin,

Dania is pierced.)
Razuli: All right! (Strikes, Chief falls.) Damn,
Im good.
Navero: NO! You, you, you. . . (Cure Light
Wounds on Dania.)
Dania: Shut up. Just shut the fuck up. SHUT
YOUR FACE! Ow. . .
Razuli: Oh, Ill bet hes scared now. (Fixes crossbow, loads again.)
We found Kortul sitting on his Rust Monster, beating
Navero: (Charges across room, swinging mace.)
YAAAAAAAHHHH!!
Razuli: Nav, move so I can get a clear shot.
Navero: (Fumble. Trips and falls down.)
Razuli: Thanks, Nav. (Shoots chief.)
Chief: (Laughs, throws javelin at Rizudo. Misses)
Arlor: (Throws dagger at chief. Misses)
Dania: (Wakes up.) Owww. . . . Whasgoinon? Oh!
Razuli, go get him!

its head in with a rock. It squeaked pitifully, then

expired. After much sound and fury, we killed the
other Rust Monster, and got Rourk out of the glowing
pool. However, the sticky glowing fluid seemed to
adhere to the metal of his armor as tightly as glue;
we couldnt wash it off or scrape it off, and with it
on, he looked like a giant tinker bell.
Rourk: I cannot walk about looking like this. Its
indecorous.
Kortul: Yes. Should get rest of you, so you match.
Rourk: Oh, really?
27

Razuli: Looks like youll have to go without armor. (chuckles.)

Arlor: I run up and backstab.

Rourk: Coward. (Swings twice, hits twice, does
damage.)

Dania: Dont worry. Its not so bad.

Rourk: Its undignified. I should look like a pau- (Generic fight sounds. Rourk is cut up, as they have
per.
big claws, but is not too seriously hurt. Other party
members recover slowly.)
Arlor: Youd rather look like a big fairy?
Rourk: Barbarian, I would have thought you were
Razuli: (Laughs.) No problem, he already is!
better at tolerating strong odors, seeing how you
constantly acclimate yourself to them. But your
Rust Monsters work really well. Im gonna
own weakness is merely a product of your infehave to remember to use them more often.
rior background, and I do not begrudge you your
Dan Parsons
lapses.
Navero: I grab the bodies and run them into the
room with the lava. There, I dump them in, so
they wont smell anymore.

XIII
When last we heard from the party, they had just engaged the Orc Chief, an Ogre, and 2 rust monsters.
In the battle, Dania was seriously hurt, Razuli less
seriously hurt, Kortul got his armor destroyed, and
Rourk was liberally coated with brightly glowing fungus juice. (Whatever possessed him to jump in the
pool is beyond me, but the DM was kind to us mere
mortals.) Navero and Arlor were unhurt. If anyone
asks for it, I shall try to put a map in the next posting, as this dungeon crawl may be hard to keep track
of without it.
We were badly enough off that we decided to just take
the Chiefs head and go back to Swamp Keep to rest,
and maybe fix Rourk so he didnt look like a 5-foot,
spiky tinker bell. Kortul also expressed an interest in
some new armor. So we went back north, through the
Dead Crayfish room, north to the Glowing Fungus
room, and west to the entrance hall. We went in
calmly, expecting no trouble: mistake #1.
Game Master: All of a sudden, this incredible
stench surrounds you. Will everyone please make
a saving throw vs. Poison?
Party: Rourk and Arlor make it. Dania, Kortul,
Navero, and Razuli fail, and immediately loose
their respective breakfasts. They all collapse to
the ground and are helpless with nausea.

Game Master: You do it alone? Anyone go with

him?
Party: If he just runs off, he is alone.
Game Master: Navero, are you alone?
Navero: I guess I am. I didnt think to take anyone
with me.
(Mistake #2, by the way.)
Game Master: Well, the other one who was hiding in the entrance attacks as you approach. I
assume you make a panicked cry for help.
Navero: Uh, yes. eeep!
Game Master: It attacks you, and. . . Oh my.
Navero: What happened?
Game Master: (rolls more dice.) Oh, dear.
Navero: May I intrude? I have some interest in the
outcome of this.
Game Master: (rolls still more dice.) Oh my.
Sorry, youre dead. Critical strike to the brain,
skull penetrated, instant death.
Dania: Oh, fuck. Sorry, Dan.
Navero: (Thud.) (The player, not the character.)

Game Master: You see two vaguely cat-like crea- Game Master: Well, the rest of the party hears this
tures come out from behind the rock formations
shriek from out in the hall. . .
and attack the party. (Witherstench, I believe.)
Razuli: Hey, wheres that stupid priest?
Rourk: I engage both. I shall soon deal with these
rotten things.
Rourk: I believe he went to dispose of the bodies.
28

Party: We all go running up there.

Official: Well. . . that is a bit out of my field, but

I shall see what I can do. Give me the Chiefs
(More generic fight. Witherstench bodies eventually
head thank you, keep it in the box, and dont
disposed of in lava, by Arlor and Kortul. Party gathdrip on the desk to show to his lordship, and
ers around Navero.)
then. . . ah, let me see. . . .
Razuli: Well, this is just great! What do we do
with him?

Razuli: If its too much trouble, we can get another

priest.

Dania: Maybe we can get him resurrected.

Dania: Oh, please!

trees.

Razuli: That costs some serious bucks, magicuser. . . .

Dania: Maybe we can get a discount because hes
a priest.

Its not like they grow on

Rourk: Your attitude disgusts me, mercenary.

Truly, you are beneath any sort of contempt.

Kortul: May get a competent one, this time.

Razuli: Right. Step right up to The Late J.C.s
Body and Fender shop! Special discounts to pure Official: Hmm. Truly, he had noble comrades. But
take this (hands Dania a token) to Brother Guilpeople.
ern at the temple of Kiliy. Ask of him.
We all got out of the caves with no further incident.
Navero was placed over his horse, and we rode back Dania: Thank you very much, for all your help.
You have been most kind.
to the keep. The ride back was rather quieter than is
usual; the characters seemed somehow preoccupied,
Guilern, as it turns out, was the high priest of the
although Razuli did try to liven things up.
main temple in the keep. The token got the party in
Razuli: Cmon! Why the long faces? We got the to see him, and he remembered having spoken with
chief, so maybe we can get them to resurrect Nav Navero, whom he recalled as a well-spoken, if thickas our payment. I dont think well get any more skulled youth.
money out of them, anyway.
Guilern: (Examining body.) Well, perhaps not so
Arlor: Thatd be nice. Great. Yup, I guess.
thick-skulled. . .
Dania: Razuli, shut up. Im not in the mood.
Rourk: Indeed. Do us all a great favor.
Razuli: Kortul?
Kortul: What now?
Razuli: Okay, okay! Jeez. . .

Rourk: Can you do it, o mighty holy one?

Guilern: I must consult the goddess in this. He is
not of our faith. And naturally, the price for the
ritual, both in physical and monetary terms, is
very high. By the way, gentle knight; how did
you come to be painted with Shimmer Fungus?

Rourk: An unfortunate accident. Would you, most

We arrived back at the keep gate. It was late evening;
wise Cleric, know of any way in which the, uh,
the sun was setting behind Swamp Keep like blood
Shimmer Fungus might be cleansed from my arsplashing into the dirt. Rourk and Kortul gave the
mor?
guards one look, and they opened the gate without a
word. We went to see the official we had been seeing Guilern: It is extremely tenacious in its adherearlier; he had been preparing to go home, but took
ence, but alcohol should prove quite sufficient
the time to see us.
in its removal.
Official: You killed the chief, but one of your num- Razuli: I think it looks great as it is.
ber died. I see. Oh, it was that young priest?
Truly, this is a tragic loss. He will be honored, Rourk: Do be quiet. And thank you, noble Priest.
of course, in the way of his faith.
Arlor: Go get soused, I guess. Yup. (chuckles.)
Dania: Actually, we were thinking of trying for a
resurrection.
Rourk: (Irritatedly leaves.)
29

Navero did not quite reach his eternal reward; he was

halted by a gentle tug. This gentle tug became a
gentle wind, unfamiliar but not unfriendly, pushing
his drifting soul back to where it once had been. A
strange and stoical voice said, You are called. Go.
And with that, Navero opened his eyes, groggily sat
up on the bed, looked about him in bewilderment,
and threw up.

Razuli: Good boy. Now lie still, and dont let any
more of your brain fall out. You need what
youve got.
Dania: Razuli, can I talk to you outside a minute?
Razuli: Sure. You think shes hot for me, kid?
Navero: Uh. . .

It is interesting to note that when Rizudo died, (They leave, go out into hall.)
nobody even mentioned resurrection; but then, we
didnt have the body or the money. (The resurrec- Dania: If you ever talk to Navero like that again, I
will fry your face off.
tion did cost a GREAT deal, by the way; most of the
money we had.)
Razuli: Hey, whatsa matter? Just a joke.
Navero, dont ever do anything that stupid
again, hear?

Dania: Youre a joke, human.

here.

Dan Parsons

Lets get out of

Razuli: (mutters) Boy, she is a witch today, isnt

she?

XIV
Navero was safely resurrected, but still needed time
to recover, so the rest of the party decided to take
a break and heal for a while. This was not to be a
leisurely break, as most of our money was gone. (The
money for new armor for Kortul did not come out of
the party fund; we did not have a party fund except
in the special case of Navero. Everyone paid for their
own stuff, so Kortul had to borrow from the other
players. Only Razuli wanted to charge interest.)

Rourk and Razuli spent many of their nights in the

tavern, Razuli enriching the place with his meager
funds, and Rourk letting him. The little Cavalier
was not beyond good ale, but he never had any in the
common room, as he would have to take off his helmet
to do so; instead, he and Razuli sat and insulted each
other for nights on end. (I would never call them
friendly; to tell the truth, if there had been any intraparty fighting, I think it would have been with these
two.) Rourk did stop by the temple to ask about the
Shimmer Mold.

Rourk: Greetings! You have the honor of addressing Rourk Ravensbane, of the clan KuirtyhiasAs poor as we were, giving the villagers back their
dall. I wish to partake of your knowledge, conmoney, as Navero still wished to do, was out of the
cerning a certain substance I have encountered
question. Fortunately, the others were able to conwhich may be potentially useful.
vince Navero that they still planned to do that, but
had spent all the money on him, and so would have
Generic Cleric: Oh? How may I help you?
to go out and get some more.
Rourk: What do you know of Shimmer Mold?
Razuli: Sure, well give them back all their money.
We were going to, but you had to wandering off Generic Cleric: I know something of it. It is rare,
but not so rare as to be of great value to anyone.
and get yourself killed.
Its light will coat nearly anything except flesh,
Navero: Im sorry. You shouldnt have spent so
living or dead, and cling tightly. It also serves as
much on me.
a heat insulator, but not so effectively as it does
a light source.
Dania: Forget it. No problem.
Rourk: Ah. I had felt that my armor was unusually
Razuli: It was your own stupid mistake that got
warm that day. Thank you for your services,
us into this mess. Now, kiddy, promise me you
gentle Priest, I am eternally grateful.
wont ever do that again for as long as you live.
Generic Cleric: 20 gp for Sage advice. Payable
Navero: I promise, upon St. Glajmir.
now.
30

Kortul proved quite asocial - he would often spend Dania: Right! Bye! Im going now! Chop, chop!
whole days and nights prowling about the marshes,
(scampers out.)
hunting and foraging and living off the land. Apparently, he felt that the keep smelled bad, his compan- Master: Apprentice? (sounds slightly peeved.)
ions only slightly less so, and the marshes slightly less Dania: Huh? Oh yeah, right. (Comes back, gets
than that.
box, scampers out.)
While in town, Dania went back to her master, so as
to keep up with her studies. She didnt really like the
man (who would?) but he did have a great library,
and if you didnt mind the sorts of stains you had
to get out of the carpets, and the things encrusted
on the glassware, it wasnt bad. Usually, she avoided
him if at all possible. Dania was washing the dishes
after a supper with a guest whom she had been very
careful to avoid (the one who wanted seven forks and
twelve knives again), when space and time screamed.
She found herself in her masters workroom.

Where, o where, can one find a loose brain lying around? Perhaps some calves brains from the
butcher? No, Master would never go for that.
Ummm. . . This town doesnt have a morgue, does it?
Dania went wandering down the sunny streets, the
utter possibility of her errand high in her mind, when
whom should she meet, but Razuli.

Master: I have work for you.

Dania: You drunk already? Jesus. Whats the occasion?

Dania: Sure! (*Big grin*)

Dania: Raz! Fancy meeting you here!

Razuli: *Hic!*

Razuli: Schtoopid K-nigut flied to outdink me.

Me, the Mashter!

Master: (A faint smile. It disappears) I want you

to go out and collect some brains.

Dania: Out-dink you? Trust me, no one could do

that. Wheres Rourk?

Dania: Brains?

Master: Yes. Hominid will do, for now. You Razuli: In dere. *I WON ALL HIS MONEY!!* Ha
haaa ha hee hee hee. . . (Lands splot in a horse
should be able to find some appropriate specitrough.)
mens nearby.
(Dania goes in, finds Rourk in his room, passed out.)

Dania: Brains?

Master: Yes. Three, from individuals with some Dania: Ummm. . . No, maybe Id better not.
variation between them. And no diseased speci(Leaves)
mens. Place them in this box, and they shall be
And so she continued down the city streets, wonderteleported here.
ing where she could find a likely candidate. They
Dania: Brains?
abounded beggars and orphans and expendable
people of all shapes and sizes; but how, exactly, did
Master: You have ears, I perceive. Have you used
one broach the subject? Hi there, Id like to get
them recently, or are they filled with dish-soap?
to know you better. Trust me, Im only interested
in your mind. Things were beginning to look grim,
Dania: You mean, living brains?
when a leper was run down by a merchants wagon
Master: By the time you get them into the box, I in the street right in front of her.
should be quite surprised if they were alive. But
they should be reasonably fresh. Now: hop to it, Merchant: What is that? Get rid of before my
apprentice.
family is infected.
Dania: Sure! No problem!
(Drags body away.)

Dania:
Uh. . . go out, and, uh. . . procure, uh. . . brains.
Cerebral matter. The grey-and-white stuff?

Have a nice day!

(Finds empty alley, hides behind some barrels, takes

Master: (pauses.) If you insist upon not using it, out knife.)
as you seem to be doing, there is always your
own.
Dania: Sorry about this, guy.
31

Later that night, she got a wino who collapsed in the

street and hit his head on a paving stone. Unfortunately, she got both of them back later, with a short,
terse note. Quality matters, apprentice. These are
unacceptable.

He walked up to the cave with the boiling lava, and

flicked a drop into the lava. A small portion of the
lava solidified, and sank. With a flourish, Rourk emptied the sack into the pit, and formed a narrow, rough
bridge across the lava to the other entrance.

Dania: Shit. We were going back to the orc caves

tomorrow.

Rourk: Now do you understand, my fellows? I realized this from the moment I was coated with
it. And now, we may go across.

And so we did. We rode through the marsh, walked

into to the cave, went through the great hall, over Razuli: About how strong is the bridge, Rourk?
Wanna walk out and test it?
the barrier, into the entrance hall, past the Shimmer
cave, over the meadows, and through the woods, to
grandmothers house we. . . ahem. Past the Crayfish Arlor: (Toddles out onto bridge.)
Cave, and into the Orc Chiefs ambush cave. There
Rourk: I will not have you. . . (Plants armored
were two entrances, one in the south and one in the
foot on bridge, breaks through.) . . . attempt to
west. The Ogres body had vanished.
fight anything you might find on the other side
of that entrance, dwarf. Scout ahead and come
Navero: Whats that box on top of your pack, Daback quickly. (Examines foot; it is not too badly
nia?
burned.)
Dania: Never mind, Navero.
Arlor: Um. . . okay. (Walks to other entrance. He
is gone for a short time when cracks start to apNavero: I dont like it; it seems. . . wrong.
pear in the bridge.)
Dania: Nav, trust me, okay?
Navero: Please hurry, the. . .
Navero: Well. . . okay.
Arlor: (Appears,
staggering)
The western entrance, led to a long, narrow passage,
Duh. . . duh. . . duhhh. . . . Yeeek!!
terminating in an exit to the surface. It was reasonably hidden with brush and quite unnoticeable unless Razuli: Arlor, get your ass over here.
you knew where to look. The southern entrance (the
one the Orc Chief had come from) led to a pair of Arlor: Droi. . . drou. . . droggy. . . DRAGON!! BIG!!
RED!! SMOKY!!
caves; one had a pile of matted vegetation, several
large clubs, and a box (opened, empty), and the other
Dania: Oh, fuck. Get back here!
a couple of cages, made out of wood. Some rusty bits
of iron were in a sack in the room with the cages. A The party retreated over the barrier.
long search turned up nothing of any value.
We returned, and got as far as the Shimmer Mold Kortul: Tell what you saw.
cave when Rourk stopped us.
Arlor: (Quivering slightly.) Dragon. Big. Bigger
Rourk: Gather some is this fungus extract will
than other. Red.
you? I have a plan.
Rourk: Was it asleep?
Razuli: Hoo boy. Here we go.
Arlor: I think not. It looked at me.
Rourk: Silence in the presence of your betters,
mercenary. My mind moves in higher planes Rourk: Ah. Perhaps we had better leave, then.
than you can understand.
Kortul: Yes.
Dania: Want to be painted again?
Dania: Yes!
Navero: Here, I got some in this sack. What is
Rourk: We can come back later and kill it.
your plan?
Rourk: Follow me, and see for yourselves.

Party: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR TINY MIND?

32

 XV

Rourk: We have a means of reaching it. And a

heat insulator that will render its feared breath
useless. And when it has gone to sleep, what A dragon! A Red Dragon! Not some panty-waist
possible threat could it represent?
Wyvern or a baby Black, but what seemed to be,
from all indications, a real live adult red dragon! And
I think hes been getting too much sun.
that stupid Cavalier insisted that we go in and kill
Dan Parsons
the thing!
Dania: Are you out of your fucking mind?
Rourk: Your insinuations are insulting to one of
my stature. One need only think of the glory
that could be won from the defeat of such a beast
to realize our only course of action.
Dania: YOUR only course of action! Hell, IM not
going in there!
Razuli: Arlor, are you sure it saw you?
Arlor: Did my best not to let it. Might have.
Kortul: Came here for reputation. Get it, or die
in attempt. But we should have plan.
Rourk: Exactly, barbarian. You have a keen grasp
of the obvious and proven facts. Dragons as large
as this sleep hard, and are easily surprised in
their lairs.
Razuli: Oh, my! Are you suggesting that we actually sneak up on it? Dont give it a fair, fighting
chance?
Rourk: I propose only the time-honored strategy.
One so uneducated as yourself would naturally
see this in an incorrect manner. As I realize
your obvious limitations, you can be forgiven,
for now.
Razuli: Rourk, youve come to your senses. Sooner
or later, I knew youd see Im always right. It
just took time, thats all. The thickest *ahem!*
helmets are always the hardest.
Dania: You are all forgetting something. We cant
do it.
Razuli: Think of all the treasure it will have.
Dania: Well. . . we cant do it. Itll slaughter us.
Navero: If it isnt killed, what will it do?
Rourk: That is plain and obvious. The Orcs constructed the barrier, and maintained the poison
on the stakes, so it obviously has some means of
getting across the lava pit.
33

Dania: Like, maybe, swimming the backstroke.

How much money do Reds usually have, anyway?

were soft enough to be quiet. Then, we went to the

Shimmer Mold cave, and coated our armor and equipment, first liberally with the glowing liquid, then with
soot to kill the shining. Everyone wore scarves over
Razuli: Enough to keep us going for, oh, say, sev- their faces, so they wouldnt be exposed to the heat.
eral years?
All of this was done in complete silence; no arguments
broke out, no one even spoke. Even the use of silentDania: I could buy a castle. A small one, wouldnt
speech was minimal. For the first time, the party
have to be much. . .
acted with unity; it would have been depressing, if
Navero: Red Dragons are greedy and evil, arent everyone werent so scared.
they?
We practically emptied the pool of Shimmer Mold
Kortul: The worst.
juice into waterproof sacks, and carried it to the lava
pit. There, Arlor and Dania, the quietest and lightNavero: Then it will probably come out and rav- est people, carefully made up a strong bridge to the
age the countryside, and do incalculable harm. other entrance, wide enough and thick enough to hold
There is only one moral thing to do, and that up all of us together, but not enough (hopefully) to
is to at least try to stop it, before it does these support a Dragons bulk. Then, the rest of us joined
things.
them, and we all went in.
Razuli: Right! For moralitys sake!

Arlor spotted a thin wire stretched across the enWe returned to town, and borrowed money at the trance; it led to a precariously balanced pile of old armoneychangers. The sum was not great, although mor, tucked into a hidden alcove. This trap was taken
the changer charged some hefty interest, and we all care of, once spotted. The floor, we saw, had been
went out and got our training to go up a level, as coated with some slippery goo. We carefully covered
appropriate. The time we spent would hopefully give it over with more of the soot we had brought, careful
the Dragon a chance to go back to sleep, assuming not to raise a choking cloud of the stuff. Navero cast
Resist Fire on everyone.
that it did not see Arlor.
(Fortunately, this was 1st edition AD&D, before the
Dragons got nasty. We wouldnt even CONSIDER
doing this now. Not with a party like this. The 2nd
edition has improved some things.)

There was about 20 feet of very wide passage, and

then a cave about 80 feet across. The rock formations
were more numerous, but many seemed ground down,
roughened. Far away, at the western end, was a pile
of more coinage than most of us had ever seen in one
place. Gems and jewels, and more valuable things,
glinted in the faint light the lava made. And, most
importantly, there was the focus of all our thoughts.
It was not a deep red at all, as I would have imagined, but a bright scarlet; and somehow seemed small
in the quiet immensity of the cave. It was larger than
its pile of treasure, though; and that made all the difference.

We trained hard. Practiced all our skills. Insisted

that Rourk teach everyone basic Drow Silent-Speech.
Bought fire-resistant backpacks. The works. Danias
master was not pleased with her sudden interest in
fire resistance spells, seeing that she had not completed the task he had given her. However, he was
willing to wait it out, on her promise that in just
a little while, she would be able to satisfy him with
something even better than expected. In light of later
events, it seems that he did not take the opportunity Its eyes were closed.
to read her thoughts, as he had done earlier. Perhaps
Its breathing was so very slow; maybe once a minute.
it was because he liked surprises.
Finally, the day arrived when we felt that more preparation wouldnt do us the slightest bit of good. We
rode out to the cave at dawn, tethered our horses,
and walked quietly into the first hall. We ran rags
and threads and bits of leather strapping through all
our armor, so it would not make as much noise. We
tied soft soles to Rourks metal boots; everyone elses

Its great wings lay flat, rustling with its breath.

It looked deadly, even in apparent repose. A thick
dagger of a body, long sword neck, adze-shaped head
angling to thin jaws that could crush any one of us
instantly. Its claws were straight, not curved sickles, tapering to small graceful points so sharp they

34

seemed impossible in something so large. Its essence drew his blade and moved forward. Navero resumed
was glory and destruction, sheer power as an end to the Chant. Dania cast Cause Blindness; the Dragon
itself.
shrugged it off. The Dragon reared up and lifted the
web, gold showering from it. It tore completely away
from its scales, and then it threw the sticky mass over
It reeked of the death it held inside itself.
Kortul.
A killing machine, in a way we could never approach.
Rourk charged up the pile of treasure, but never
The columns of living rock outlined the gold alter on reached the Dragon itself. One wing swung out,
which it lay.
battering him away and almost throwing him into
Razuli. The great tail swung out and knocked the
We came forward for the ceremony in silence.
struggling Kortul down, and then the Dragon ripped
into him with its claws until he lay still. Razuli ran
It opened its eyes.
up beside it, and threw his entire weight behind his
longsword, stabbing into its leg; blood hissed out and
the blade snapped. Arlor threw a dagger, which skittered across the scales of its neck. Dania moved from
the rock to a column which was closer to the action,
For a moment, everything paused. We stared into its while Navero continued his entreaties to his gods.

Navero XVI

gold-flecked eyes like they were the only thing in the

world. Then, as agreed, we scattered. Kortul and
Arlor ran to the right, Kortul to the fore, aiming his
longbow, and Arlor about 15 feet to the rear. Rourk
and Razuli went left, Rourk forward with weapons
drawn and Razuli loading his crossbow. The Dragon
all too quickly shook off its sleep and stood, and
moved its claw in a curious way. Navero and Dania
hid behind the rocks, Navero starting a Chant which
would encourage his friends, and Dania fired off 2
magic missiles. The missiles streaked over across the
room, and fizzed out on an invisible barrier; a Shield
spell. So far, except for spellcasting, not a sound had
been made.
The Dragon roared. The earsplitting noise echoed
enormously in the caves confines; we quickly realized
it had been chosen partially for its great acoustics.
The noise was so loud that Navero was shocked out of
his chant, and Arlor and Rourk were stunned. Then
it breathed, a mighty gout of flame, in the direction
of Rourk and Razuli, at an angle guaranteed to get
both. Razuli ducked behind a lump of stone, but
Rourk, stunned as he was, could not possibly get out
of the way. The flames blazed around them both; a
great blast of steamy residue flew off as the Shimmer
mold which had coated them was seared into ash,
but they were alive. Kortul fired two arrows; one
bounced off the invisible shield, the other from the
creatures metallic hide. Dania swore and cast a Web
spell about the Dragons feet.

The Dragon paused, as if considering, and then

breathed again. This time, the fire arced across the
room, and enveloped Dania and her column. Hair
shriveled, and Shimmer mold boiled away. Rourk got
up and swung both swords into one forelimb; he drew
blood, but not nearly enough. Razuli drew his dagger, laughed at his own foolishness, and looked in the
treasure pile for a weapon. Arlor tried to run around
and get behind it. Dania dropped without a sound.
Navero ran forward to Dania, and quickly used his
last spell point to Cure Light Wounds.
Kortul got up; he wasnt quite dead after all, and
was able to rip away the tattered web in one motion. Rourk stabbed into the body, one blade merely
scratching the steely scales, and the other not penetrating nearly as far as it should have. Arlor threw
his other dagger; the Dragon merely moved out of its
way. Razuli saw a naked sword in the pile, gleaming in the red light of the lava, with a blackened and
bony hand still around the hilt. He took it without
thinking. Dania was still unconscious, and Navero
began to hear something from the lava pit; a crackling sound, unfamiliar.

Rourk swung again. Both blades grated across the

scales. Kortul swung his great blade, and felt its
weight come to a satisfyingly sudden halt in the
Dragons neck. Arlor finally reached its hindquarters, and tried to pick a spot to plant his short sword.
He chose the tendons of the leg. Razuli stabbed
Kortul and Rourk charged; Arlor approached more it beneath the tail, where he thought there might
cautiously. Razuli lifted his crossbow, but discov- be SOMETHING vital; the blade sank in almost
ered that the string had been burnt through, so he greedily, and the Dragon actually screamed. (Crit35

ical strike, genitals.) Dania was jarred awake at this,

and cast another Web spell, but this time into the
Dragons open mouth. The cracking sound was getting louder. The Dragons eyes blazed, possibly with
pain but more likely with rage, and kicked back with
both legs; Razuli was torn from crotch to throat, and
hurled back into a wall.
The Dragon grabbed Kortul, and threw him into
Rourk; both dropped. With its other claw, it tore
away most of the web in its mouth. Arlor cut at its
leg, but it was like trying to cut through stone or
steel. Rourk got back up; Kortul did not. He had
been thrown onto one of Rourks swords. Razuli lay
there and bled. Dania and Navero looked on in helplessness.
Arlor ran to Razuli, and grabbed the shining, bloody
blade from his hand. Rourk swung twice, cutting
across the deep wound Kortul had made in the
Dragons neck. A good amount of blood rewarded
him. The Dragon looked down at him, and its
left claw came streaking in out of nowhere, followed
closely by the right; both hit, but the bite miraculously just grazed him, ripping his chest plate to tatters. Rourk was hurled away to the floor. Dania cast
Magic Missile; it somehow snuck past the Shield and
made a slight wound in the Dragons side. Navero
threw a rock, but it fell far too short.

from the floor; Rourk and Dania got it in their eyes.

It kicked back with its good leg, and tore Arlors
legs out from under him. He dropped with two broken legs (Critical strike) and fainted from the pain.
Rourk struck blind. He hurled himself onto the
Dragons sagging neck and stabbed and stabbed and
stabbed. Blood hit him in the face and burned; he
ignored it. Dania cleared the dirt from her eyes, and
started limping away from the column back towards
the entrance. The Dragon snarled weakly and shoved
Rourk away, slamming him to the ground and holding him underneath one claw. It looked into his eyes,
and Rourk felt it trying to take hold of his mind and
Charm him, but he was one of the Dark Ones, and
not to be so manipulated.
The Dragons last desperate maneuver had failed.
Rourk stabbed up into the golden eye.
The Dragon seemed almost indignant. Then, slowly,
with a great clash like steel on stone, it fell back onto
its pile, and its last breath left it. The thing was
dead.

The Dragon looked out across the room, to where

Dania and Navero were huddled behind the stone. It
seemed to be at the same time insulted, and horribly triumphant. Its breath roared out again. Navero
grabbed Dania and threw his mold-laden cloak about
them both as the flames surrounded them. The fires
seemed to last minutes. When it was over, Navero
almost gently dropped to the floor; Dania had been
shielded by Naveros body, and was nearly unhurt.
Rourk hacked at the Dragon again; it seemed to finally be slowing down, although he did no significant
damage. Arlor ran up behind it and chopped at its
leg again. The sword was almost as long as he was,
and very unwieldy, but the slash cut nearly to the
bone.
The Dragon slipped down the pile, its leg no longer
supporting it. Rourk smashed it over the head, striking for the eyes; he missed them, but the Dragon
seemed jarred by the impact, indicating it was weakening. Arlor swung, but the heavy blade was too
much for him and he missed. Dania cast her last
Magic Missile; they sputtered against the Shield. The
Dragon swung with its great wings, blowing dirt up
36

 Navero XVII
The Dragon was dead. . .
(Note: chp = current hit points)
Navero, male human cleric,
3rd level, chp = 4
Dania, female 1/2-elf MU,
3rd level, chp = 2
Rourk Ravensbane, male drow cavalier,
3rd level, chp = 1

Dania: Can I have the head? Its for my studies.

Rourk: Hmm. . . It is a bit too damaged for display.
I suppose that it could fall into your share of the
booty.
Dania: Great. Thanks. (Gets head, starts cutting
out brain.)
Rourk: What are you doing there?
Dania: Dragon parts are valuable. Scales, organs,
all kinds of stuff.

Kortul, male human fighter,

2nd level, chp = 3

Rourk: Indeed. But I shall not be one to dissect

my dead foe. It is enough that my deeds be
recognized.

Razuli, male human fighter,

2nd level, chp = 6

Dania: Uh-huh.

Arlor, male dwarf thief,

2nd level, chp = 1

Rourk: I shall see about the treasure. I am a Dragonslayer; my new status demands an improvement in my monetary position.

(Our group plays that you must reach -10 to die; Dania: Right.
otherwise you are unconscious and bleeding at 1
hp/round.)
The treasure pile was quite impressive up close. Most
of the coinage was silver and electrum, but gold was
Dania: (stares numbly at dead Dragon)
present in significant quantity. There were also several interesting items; swords and rings and necklaces,
Rourk: (stares numbly at dead Dragon)
a staff and a book, and an odd crystal or glass ball,
Dania: (stares numbly at dead Dragon)
that seemed to have three glowing shapes moving
within it.
Rourk: (stares numbly at dead Dragon)

Rourk: (stares numbly at dead Dragon)

Rourk: (Inspecting sword Razuli used.) Mage,

come here and look at these things. I wish your
opinion.

Dania: Are you alive?

Dania: (extracts brain) Just a minute.

Rourk: What? Oh. . . yes, I believe so.

Rourk: Patience is a virtue of mine. Finish your

task.

Dania: Rourk?

Dania: Is anyone else down there? (Starts limping

forward)
Rourk: I shall see. Are you injured, mage?
Dania: Yes. Ow. Nav was carrying the bandages,
wasnt he?
Rourk: I believe so. Check him, he looks hurt.
Dania: Everybody does. Ow. . .

Dania: Yes, Rourk. Ive always admired your restraint.

Rourk: Of course you have. Many do. (picks up
glass ball)
Dania: (Stuffs
brain into box.) Alright, now. . . what is that
thing?

Wounds were cleaned and bandaged as quickly as Rourk: I have no idea. It seems to have some
things imprisoned within it.
could be managed, splints made for Arlors broken legs, and Razulis shredded torso tightly bound. Dania: Let me see.
Rourk tried to wake Navero for his healing spells,
but Navero was beyond that. Then Dania and Rourk Rourk: Hold. I have not completed my own examwent to inspect the Dragon and the hoard.
ination.
37

Dania: Rourk, give it to me.

shouldnt mess with it.

Its magic, you

Paladin 1: Here now! Dont confuse him! Its impolitic!

Rourk: You think me incapable of understanding? Paladin 2: Look, everyone! A lady in distress!
Where I come from. . .
Paladin 3: WHERE?! I want the experience!
Dania: I dont wanna know about where you come
(Draws Chainsword. BUZZZZ!!)
from. Just give it here.
Paladin 1: A lady in distress?! Here now, cant
Rourk: No. I expect an apology from you. (walks
have that!
off)
Paladin 2: Shes the one over there who looks disDania: Rourk, you asshole, that thing might be
tressed.
dangerous! Give it!
Paladin 1: How can she be in distress? Her captor
is dead and her rescuer stands right there!

Rourk: Why? Do you think it might be especially

valuable? You have given me great insult, magic
user, and I refuse to speak to you until you have
apologized for yourself.

Dania: Hey!

Dania: (snarl. . . ) Alright, I apologize! Now hand

the fucking thing over!

Paladin 3: (Still whirling about, looking. Careless

swipe of chainsword takes out a rock column.)

Rourk: You seem *somewhat* insincere.

Rourk: Im afraid there has been an error.

Dania: JESUS CHRIST, Rourk! What the fuck do

you censored want? Alright! I apologize, Im
sorry I ever crossed you! Im censored sorry I
ever even MET you! Now give me the censored
glow-ball or Ill sock you!

Paladin 1: We are The Three! We are the ultimate

embodiment of all that is essential to Paladinhood! We do not make errors, boy! Only the
evil and the ignorant insult us so! Do you detect
evil on him?!

Rourk: Oh, very well, then. Catch! (Tosses glow Paladin 2: No.
ball.)
Paladin 1: Pity.
Dania: NO, YOU IDIOT. . . (Ball slips out of her
Paladin 3: (Still looking. Cuts Dragon in two and
bloody hands, hits floor.)
looks inside.)
The hollow glass ball almost exploded into many
many fragments, each of which faded into a cloud of Paladin 2: Shes over there.
smoke. The wisps silently collected into three blobs,
and slowly solidified into three warriors, each in full Paladin 3: Oh? Ah! (Grabs Dania and charges
for the exit.)
plate covered with exquisite carving, and with great
swords at their sides. They looked majestic, aweDania: Put me the fuck down, you several derogasome, enough to take your breath away.
tory terms.
Paladin 1: (Looks about) Right!
Well, then.
Paladin 1: Here now! Shes already been rescued!
Thanks for killing the Dragon, and all that.
*Harumph!* Terribly sorry, but we must be go- Paladin 3: Damn! Hey, look at all those people on
ing now.
the floor, with negative hit points. . .
Rourk: Hail, great warriors! I am Rourk Ravens- Paladin 2: Sorry.
bane. You are. . . ?
times.
Paladin 2: We are The Three Who Do! Our mission is to rid the whole wide world of everything
evil!
Dania: Who Do what?
Paladin 3: Uhrr. . .
38

He gets carried away some-

Dania: (snarls)
Paladin 1: Right! Well, then. . . Since you were
good enough to let us out and all that, old chap,
perhaps theres something we can do for you, by
way of returning the favor, dontcha know.

Rourk: If you would be so kind. Some of my companions have been injured in the recent battle
with the beast you see.
Paladin 2: What, all these people?
Rourk: Yes. Do you possess any healing arts?
Paladin 1: All of these men for one Dragon?

Paladin 3: With that? Thats just +1, +4 vs.

Reptiles. Why would you want such a wimpy
little sword? No wonder you guys got thrashed;
how long have you been playing, anyway?
Razuli: Plus WHAT? Playing? What are you talking about?

Rourk: Well, yes.

Paladin 1: Your swords special purpose is the

slaying of reptilian horrors.

Paladin 2: But its such a little Dragon.

Razuli: Oh, neat.

Paladin 3: Aw, these guys are wimps! Heck, I once Paladin 1: *Harumph!* Well, we must go to prepare for the upcoming battle! Good luck to you,
had a character that killed 23 Bahamuts!
brave souls!
Paladin 1: Nothing to brag about, old sport.
(*POOF!* They vanish.)
Paladin 3: Well, that was before I got my Nuclear
Chainsword +50.
Dania: Good riddance.
Dania: Uh, MIGHTY warriors, I am most dis- Rourk: Indeed. From the looks of all of you, their
tressed that my brave rescuers are lying in pudhealing truly was the least they could do.
dles on the floor. (Bats eyelashes.)
Navero: Who were they?
Paladin 3: Do we wanna spend spell points on
Dania: The Three morons. Now lets. . .
them? I mean, theyre not even in our party.
Paladin 1: Tut! Least we can do.

(*POOF!*)

(Flash! All unconscious characters now have 1 hit Paladin 1: Yes, what is it?
point.)
Dania: Huh?
Razuli: Owwwwww. . . ..
Paladin 2: The Three appear whenever The Three
are called! Do not call us again unless we are
Kortul: Is it dead?
needed! (They look displeased.)
Rourk: Yes, and may I introduce you to The Three
Paladin 3: Neat, huh? The DM said we could do
Who Do?
that when we hit 50th level.
Paladins: (Stand upright and look majestic.)
(*POOF!*)
Navero: I got soot in my eyes.
Dania: They arent very healed.

Razuli: Those looked like some very powerful idiots.

Paladin 1: Here, now! We must conserve our energies for the upcoming battle with our great Rourk: Im afraid I find myself agreeing with you.
This is truly a dark day.
nemesis!
Razuli: Of course you agree with me! I mean, its
the only sensible thing to do. How much money
Paladin 3: Alive, but well do something about
did we get?
that!
We counted the loot; it came to a very large amount.
Paladin 2: He imprisoned us within the globe!
In addition, we found three necklaces (none magical),
Paladin 3: We never even got the experience for four rings (one magical), two swords (Razulis and a
two-handed sword, both magical), the staff and book,
killing Asmodeus that last time!
and a lot of non-magical gems. Right then it was
Razuli: Its dead! Yippee! I killed it! (Brandishes early afternoon; with luck we could make it back to
new sword.)
the keep by nightfall. Placing the most valuable items
Rourk: Who is. . . ?

39

in our pockets, we filled our packs with as much gold Kortul: Stupid. Priest! Get rope, iron spikes for
and electrum as we could carry, and left. Or at least,
Arlor.
we tried. What we did do was discover the source of
Arlor: Umm.. I still dont wanna. . .
that cracking heard during the Dragon battle it
was the bridge over the lava pit breaking up.
Kortul: Yes, you do.
Kortul: Shit.

Arlor: Umm. . .

Rourk: This is highly annoying.

Rourk: You do. Now go to it!

Dania: Ok, guys, what do we do?

Arlor: Why do *I* gotta climb across! Its dangerous!

Razuli: Simple! We take the lightest person in the Dania: Because. . .

group, and throw her across with a rope around
Razuli: Hey, wheres Navero?
her waist, then. . .
Dania: Shut up, Raz.

Dania: Oh, no.

Navero: I suppose well have to climb over. Unless They all ran to the lava pit. Sure enough, there was
Navero, about halfway across, sliding along the wall
theres some way out from in here.
on the little bit of crumbly ledge which was left from
the bridge.
Kortul: Doubt it.
Arlor: Umm. . . Can we look? At least?

Kortul: Doing pretty good.

Dania: Fine. Lets look.

Rourk: I hope he doesnt get himself killed again.

Razuli: Watch out for that next step, Nav!

(Prolonged search. Prolonged mainly by Arlor. No
Dania: Keep going!
entrances found.)
Razuli: I wonder how the Dragon got any food in Navero: (Reaches entrance.)
here?
Razuli: (Throws rope to Navero. He misses it, it
falls in the lava.) Its Okay, we got more.
Dania: Who knows. Well, Arlor, hop to it.
(Navero catches second rope.)
Arlor: Um. . . Did you look on the roof? Bet its The treasure, and the party, was ferried over on ropes
there, yup.
until all were on the safe side. Once there, we got
the horses (which were still waiting there) and rode
back to town with as much speed as our ruptured
Rourk: I would expect this cowardice from a bodies could take, arriving just after sunset. Navero
went to the temple, and everyone else went to the one
dwarf.
tavern, where, for the most part, they all had a long,
Arlor: Then YOU go! I dont wanna!
uninterrupted sleep.

Dania: We cant fly. Now get going.

Razuli: Arlor! If you do it, you can have first choice

of magic items.

I hope I never see another Dragon again as

long as I live.
Dan Parsons

Dania: No! Hell take the staff, and I should have

that!

XVIII

Arlor: I cant use it, ya know.

Dania: Youll sell it. Its the most valuable thing.

Very few mornings have been more painful than the
You know how greedy these little hairballs are.
next to which greeted our heroes. Actually, it wasnt
Rourk: I am inclined to agree. But the sword is even morning at all anymore, despite the early hour
at which they had felt compelled to turn in. But,
obviously worth far more.
being awake, now was obviously the time to go out
Arlor: I dont like that either. . .
and exploit their new-found wealth.
40

Razuli: (Calls downstairs) Room service! Break- Tavern Master: Sure. Thatll be 10 gold.
fast!
Rourk: Despite the obvious fact that we are the
only ones here?
(Short wait. Door opens.)
Tavern Master: You not like it, sir?

Maid: Ya called for breakfast. Can ya pay?

Razuli: Yeah. (Flips her an electrum) Anything Rourk: Please, go right ahead. You may feel free to
bilk my inebriated servant out of whatever you
else you think you can do for me this morning?
wish.
(Looks her up and down, grins broadly.)
Razuli: SERVENT?! Ill hav yu k-no I am a
DRAGULSLIPPER!

Maid: I dont think so, sir. Breakfast in a few minutes.

Rourk: Mercenary, do not breathe on me again.

(Another short wait. Razuli inspects and cleans his
crossbow.)
Razuli: I castraded a dragon! Whoopee!
Maid: (Opens door. Has tray with steak, fruit juice, Rourk: Rather difficult to do with a female
eggs.)
dragon.
Razuli: (Points crossbow.) Big, isnt it? Wanna
feel it?

Razuli: Oh. Gess it yelled for nother reason. Ha

ha HA ha hA!!

Maid: (Leaves tray at door and leaves very quickly.) Tavern Master: Care to have a drink on it sir? 15
gold.
First things first: we paid off the moneychanger, and
went to the temple. Not being believers, and having Razuli: I CANN BEET UP-PTHH ANYBLOODY
IN THISH BARR!!
already used their services so recently, we could only
wrangle a Cure Serious Wounds for each of us. We
then asked Dania to identify some of the magic items; Tavern Master: Should I put him to bed, Sir?
this she readily agreed to, as she was very curious Rourk: No, good fellow. His antics are amusing.
about the staff.
Razuli: I CUN BEET UP U!
Ring of Protection, +1
Rourk: Ill wager that stag head is shaking in its
Longsword, +1, +4 vs. reptiles
mountings.
Two-handed Sword, +1

Razuli: Bedder be. Im a DRAGOHMSTIFFER!

Tink ill drink to dat.

Staff of Thunder and Lightning

Tavern Master: Here you go. Thatll be 25 gold.

Spellbook with 17 spells, 1st - 5th level

Razuli: Shanks. Yur a good fella. Do u k-no what

Razuli quickly claimed the Lizard sword, as he had
I did?
been the one to risk picking it up. Kortul got the
two-hander, and Dania the staff and book. Arlor got Rourk: Yes. Soiled your armor.
the ring, over Danias objection that she had the least
Razuli: Beside that.
I. . . .
am a DRAGIMprotection and so should get it as well.
SPLAYER! Im a buff dude!
Then we each went our seperate ways, agreeing to
Tavern Master: Yeah, great. You sound like you
meet again at the tavern to discuss plans for the fucould use a drink.
ture. The more sensible among us spent the time
resting and recuperating - there were quite a few hit Razuli: No phanks, Im walking! Hee hee heh he
points lost. Some, however, felt it necessary to do
HEE HeE hEE hEe heE (THUD)
otherwise.
Rourk: I suppose you may put him up now. And
Razuli: *Hic!* Im RICH! Everbodee ges a drink
also, remember those who do the title Dragononme.
slayer its proper office.
41

Tavern Master: Ill try, Sir. Good night.

Master: No. You simply went up and beat on it,

didnt you, with swords and things? Yes, I see.
And liberated Them through sheer clumsiness!

Dania returned to her masters house after her own

rest, with the idea of some more studying (We were
all pretty sure we had gotten enough experience to go Dania: Them? You mean those idiots?
up a level from killing the Dragon.) She went into the Master: Yes. Those idiots. Observe, prestidigitahouse, and was taken to his workroom, where she saw
tor.
the brain suspended in some bubbling golden fluid,
with wires attached to it.
A basalt slab which had been on one wall cleared, and
Dania saw The Three standing outside the house.
Master: Welcome, apprentice. You have done
well.
Paladin 1: Right! Here we go, now!
Dania: Thanks. I thought you might like it.

Paladin 3: Im gonna kill him! Dibs!

Master: Did you, now? You presume to know my

mind?

Three swords rose up, and three swords came down,

smashing the outside wall to splinters of foul-looking
wood. The Three entered, and arrogantly walked
Dania: No! No, never, Master! Its just that these down the hall outside the first floor library, and into a
arent, uh. . . common.
hall Dania had been told never to enter. After about
Master: Hmph. Ah, well. It was good you found 10 feet or so, a pit opened beneath their feet, and
one within range. Was it living out in the they fell into a pool of acid. They quickly dissolved,
and the liquid was siphoned off and poured into a
swamps?
Sphere of Annihilation, gone forever.
Dania: Yes, it was.
Dania: Well, that took care of it.
Master: Getting one this recently dead is a rare
thing. Although your excision shows you have Master: Wait. . .
little skill in handling a knife. In the future, you
The swords had not dissolved, but instead sank to
are to concentrate on improving that.
the bottom. As they watched, they rose up into the
air, and The Three re-formed out of shining mist.
Dania: No problem.
Master: You may go now. Clean the laboratory on Dania: Shit!
the first floor. And have care to get under the
Paladin 2: Say, why dont we try a different aptables.
proach?
Dania: Yes. Bye! (Scampers off.)

Paladin 3: Yeah, Im sick of traps. Theyre boring.

Things went on in this vein until the next day, when,

with a shriek like that made by a tachyon being vi- Paladin 1: Right, then. Lets go back, and get the
olated by a meson, Dania was suddenly drawn into
heavy artillery.
the Masters workroom. The brain still floated in its
tank, everything seemed normal, but with a glance Paladin 3: YEAH! Hell never know what hit
him! (Cackles in a most un-Paladinish fashion.)
she could tell Master was angry VERY angry, but
about what she didnt know.
Master: (*Sigh*) Do you have any IDEA how
much trouble it was to get them into the globe
Master: You, and your friends: where exactly did
in the first place?
you get this?
Dania: Lots?
Dania: Uh. . . from a Dragon. In the swamp. In a
cave.
Master: Apprentice, there is one thing you can
do.
Master: Was it, by any SMALL chance, a Red
Dragon named Lentic?
Dania: What is it, Master?
Dania: Uh, we werent, uh. . . introduced.

Master: Say, oops.

42

Dania: Oops?

(Navero and Rourk look up the street, and see an M1 tank rolling towards them, blasting out buildings.
Master: Yes, very good. Wonderful last words. They run.)
(Makes an arcane gesture. . . )

VADABLAM !
Game Master: The whole house shakes. Your
Master, who never got a chance to complete his
spell, is sprawled on the floor. You have been
thrown conveniently near an exit.

Somehow, after a good deal of running around and

screaming, the party managed to assemble itself outside the tavern. We all went inside, and saw a very familiar looking town official and about 15 town guardsmen. They were talking to the tavern master, and
didnt seem to notice us, so we decided not to disturb them, just go upstairs and get the money and
stuff we left up in our rooms. . .

Dania: (Runs.)
Official: *!) YOU!!! (!*
Dania dived out of a window and landed in the street.
Everywhere, there were explosions and concussions Party: us?
and flying bits of building. She got up to run, when Official: GET. OVER. HERE. AND. HAVE. A.
she ran into one of the paladins.
SEAT. IF. YOU. PLEASE.
Paladin 2: Hold, vile. . . wait a moment! You look
slightly familiar.

The guardsmen all looked rather peeved, and didnt

seem to like us. We sat.

Dania: Uh, its me! The damsel in distress, remember?

Official: Would any of you just HAPPEN to know

anything about THREE PALADINS who are
wandering our streets committing mayhem?
Paladin 2: Oh, a damsel in distress! You must
be a maiden princess held captive by that ne- Dania: Us? Oh, no no no.
farious sorcerer! Oh, how romantic! Fear not,
gentle dove! I shall save you, and bring justice Razuli: What a silly question! What have you been
smoking?
to your cruel oppressors! AVENGE your honor!
Return you to your pining family who even now
search for you everywhere! GOD, THIS IS THE Navero: Uh, *ow!* (Dania drives her staff into his
foot.)
LIFE!!
Dania: Uh, right. Whats THAT thing?

Guard 1: Why won yu le im speak, yur lil wizzerdship?

Paladin 2: This? But a Surface-to-Air Missile

Official: Never mind. I think you do know. But
launcher. But hold! My companions call to me!
I realize that it probably isnt your fault they
The evil magician is gone, having fled his chamare here. I have heard of The Three; they are
bers of power, to power to other chambers, no
as powerful as they are stupid, and not to be
doubt! We must pursue him wherever he goes,
swayed by any mortals wishes. Nothing stops
for that is our destiny!
them, not even common sense. Probably just
an acquaintance, brief and fleeting, as I doubt
(The streets light up as a missile tears open a hole in
you have much to do with such cosmic beings.
a nearby house.)
As such, there is very little we can legally do to
you.
Paladin 2: Oops! Oh, well. It is nothing next to
the banishing of evil.
Guard 2: How about, illegally, your Lordship?
Dania: Uh, thank you for rescuing me, kind sir,
Official: We do not do such things. Is any of what
I believe Ill go someplace and hide right now,
I have said true?
bye! (Flees)
Razuli: Well. . .
(Passes Rourk and Navero, who are coming to see
Dania: Yes, it is. We met them in the Dragons
what is going on.)
cave, and we parted company immediately afDania: JUST RUN, YOU IDIOTS!!
terwards.
43

Rourk: We have, easily, as low an opinion of them

as you yourself seem to.

(Navero makes it out the door, Guards right behind

him. Rest of party rides around, Dania Sleeps more
Guards. Rourk jumps onto his horse. Navero climbs
Official: Good. (Brings out some papers.) So, onto his horse. Guardsmen on horses arrive and start
you are the closest living thing to a Friend chasing the group.)
they have, and so can be considered next-of-kin,
which of course makes you liable for any damages Horseman: Halt, in the name of law and order!
they do.
Navero: Faster, Kumquat!
Dania: WHAT?!?
Arlor: You named your horse Kumquat?
Official: Naturally, we have already confiscated
those goods of yours we found on the premises, Navero: Well. . . hes the right color.
and you will be expected to remain here and do
community service work until the debt is paid, Dania: Thats a mare, Nav.
in full, with interest as applies. Guards?
Navero: A what?
The conversation degenerated after that. Kortul
kicked the official in the groin and threw the table
into the guards; Dania cast a Sleep spell into the
main mass and dived out the window. Arlor dived
out after her. Razuli decided that would be a good
idea, too. Kortul went to keep them company.

. . . And so, our heroes rode off into the sunset, pursued by the local law enforcement authorities. Eventually, as the sounds of distant explosions became
only a fading memory, we bravely set forth to see
what the next town would be like.

Dania: WILL YOU ALL GET *OFF* OF ME!!

Ive never been chased by the police before!

Gee, this is kind of exciting!
Dan Parsons

Arlor: Sorry. (Thump!)

Kortul: (Runs for stables.)
Razuli: Arlor! Get a good look up her robe?

Navero XIX

Dania: Fuck off, Razuli.

We continued to ride for a long time. This was not
due to the guardsmen - they left us after the first couple of days, and rode back to Swamp Keep. Rather,
Dania: AAHHH!!! (Tries to kill Arlor with her we wished to put as much distance as possible bestaff.)
tween ourselves and the Paladins. The Three were
obviously far beyond our capacity to survive; and if
Kortul: (Brings out horses.) Lets GO!
they considered Danias master an enemy worthy of
heavy artillery, we didnt want to run into him eiDania: (snarls) When I get my hands on you. . .
ther. He had seemed just a trifle annoyed at us for
killing his dragon and letting them loose. We rode
Razuli: Youll what, show him some more?
on, to the north and west. On the journey, we all
saw to it that Dania explained just what was going
(Meanwhile, back inside. . . )
on with them.
Arlor: Actually, I did. . .

Navero: (Hiding under a table.)

Dania: . . . and so anyway, I was apprenticed to the

guy. . .

Rourk: Ha! If you think that I would surrender to

*CLANG!* (Chair comes down on his helmet.)
Rourk: You would associate with such an individ. . . right. Priest! Lets be off!
ual as THAT? I wonder that he didnt send you
about town, digging up graves or such ghoulish
Navero: Uh, Im sorry, but I think we must be goactivities. What was it that you were doing with
ing. Your request is unjust and unreasonable.
the brain, little mage? Your capacity for greedy
Official: *stop them!*
immorality astounds me.
44

Razuli: Actually, Captain Whitebread Sir, I hope Rourk: When did you have permission to give oryou arent forgetting all those women and childers? Please stand downwind of me when you
dren you guys killed.
open your mouth. This, mercenary, is a typical
example of humanity: filthy, unsophisticated, inRourk: They were Orcs and deserved no less. They
capable of even the simplest of tasks. . .
are like a cancer, and must be cut away.
Kortul: (grrr. . . .)
Dania: Listen! Then, when the idiots showed up
and attacked, the bastard tried to kill me, so I Rourk: . . . having no regard for others, probably
ran.
even mistreats members of his own family! Disrespectful of his betters. . .
Navero: I would expect no less, if this individual
is as you describe him. On those occasions when Kortul: (GRRRR. . . ..)
evil wears its own face, you should be able to
Rourk: . . . uncouth, uneducated, insensitive and
recognize and avoid it.
impatient. . .
Dania: Yeah, Nav. It was stupid, but he was the
only wizard in town. Except for a bunch of lu- Navero: STOP IT!! Why are you DOING this?!
natics.
Razuli: Oh, jeez, not again. . .
Razuli: You mean the Purple Polka-Dot Magicians? We had them in my home town. At least Navero: Will you please stop this? Why do you all
hate each other so much? I dont see how you
til we burned em all at the stake. That was
can hate each other so much, you havent done
fun.
anything BUT hate each other! WHY!?
Dania: Oh, please.
Why does everyone burn
Rourk: Priest, we can hardly be said to hate one
mages?
another. These others simply amuse themselves
Rourk: Because warriors can defend themselves.
with childish name-calling. Think nothing of it,
Mages, being so vulnerable, are constantly exfor it is of no consequence.
posed to the viciousness of the rabble. In this
regard, it is notable that all true nobility is com- Kortul: Childish, yes.
prised solely of warriors. No others possess sufRourk: Did you intend some insult with that, o
ficient strength, fortitude and grace to rule.
great slab of underdone Orc fodder? Perhaps
Razuli: Strange attitude for a darkie. I thought the
you even meant I?
women were tops in your place, Rourk? Women
Kortul: Meant EVERYONE. Either shut up or
WIZZERDS and PRIESTESSES?
split up.
Rourk: There are, of course, exceptions.
Dania: Nav, forget about it. Were all just stressed
Razuli: Maybe the darkie women were ugly enough
from having to run out of town so fast, okay?
to scare you away, and traumatized you.
Dont worry. Itll blow over. And we are not
splitting up.
Rourk: Bite your tongue, Human! Their grace and
beauty could never be matched by your pitiful Navero: Well. . . It just seems like. . . this is like evspecies.
ery other time were together, only worse. Everybody seems so angry. Maybe it would be better
Razuli: Then why are you up here?
if we seperated, if being together makes everyone
so mad.
Rourk: I refuse to speak on that. Silence.
Razuli: Admit it! You came up here looking for a Razuli: Danias just mad cause Arlor looked up
her robe.
good fuck, didncha?
Dania: (Swings at Razuli, misses)

Dania: Raz, shut up. Youre annoying the hell out

of me.

Razuli: Ha! And Rourks mad cause he had to run

from. . .

Kortul: And everyone else. Quiet, all of you.

45

Rourk: THAT will be QUITE enough, mercenary! Kortul: Shut up and swing.
From here, we shall travel in silence. Unless othRourk: You presume to. . . ah! (Watches his
ers voice objections. . . ?
swords bounce off the boar. Boar almost seems
Arlor: I wanna go home.
to laugh and tears him with a tusk.)
Dania: Im not going with him. Im not crawling Dania: Incoming!
into some smelly hole. . .
Navero: (Starts chanting.)
Razuli: I dont like smelly holes either. You should
bathe more, Wizzerd. Especially after riding Kortul: Ha! (Slices boar.)
horses.
Arlor: (Hides under a blanket.)
Dania: Oh, fuck off, asshole.
Kortul: (Is criticalled upon by boar. Drops like a
rock.)
Razuli: Wrong hole. (Sings) Shes back in the saddle, again. . .
Razuli: (Stabs Kortuls boar, does damage.) Oink,
Kortul: (Bashes Razuli over the head with his
you little bastard!
sheathed two-hander.) Enough. You annoy
Boar #2: Fooolis huuman. (swings tusks, misses)
even me. Shut up.
Razuli: Owww. . .

Razuli: How now, what how? Talking piggies!

The remainder of the day was mostly spent in glum

silence. No one spoke much, although some angry
glances were exchanged. Nothing of note occurred
that day, except for a curious incident which had no
direct affect on us. We heard a scream or keening
from the sky, and looked up to see some sort of flying unicorn, far, far above us. (The DM later identified it as a Ki-rin.) It was flying eastwards very
rapidly, when a bolt of blackishness shot out of the
western skies and hit it, and it disappeared. About
15 minutes later a shimmer of golden particles wafted
gently down, and vanished in sweet-smelling vellities
when they touched the earth. We decided to alter
our course northwards.

(Two boars charge in, one as large as the first two,

the other smaller.)
Dania: Shit! Wereboars! Use magic weapons!
(Magic Missiles Wereboar #3)
Wereboar #1: (Misses Rourk)
Wereboar #2: (Misses Razuli)
Wereboar #3: (Hits Navero, who stops chanting
and falls down.)
Boar: (Tramples Arlor.)
Rourk: (Hacking at Wereboar #1 with normal
weapons) Die, insult to nature!

We set up camp early that evening; we all carried

out our duties alone, as we found one anothers pro- Razuli: (stabs Wereboar #2, kills it.) Yee-ha! Two
little piggies!
longed presence intolerable. Navero and Arlor stayed
together, but did not speak much. Dinner was trav- Dania: (Magic missiles Wereboar #3.) Rourk, get
eling rations and carefully strained and boiled water
a magic weapon!
from a stale pool. Rourk was on the first watch, when
we were attacked.
Navero: (Thumps Wereboar #3 with non-magic
mace.) Go away! You smell!
First, a wild boar charged into the camp, with no
warning and little sound, and battered into Rourk. Arlor: (Crawls out from under blanket, stabs Boar.)
Borne down by 300 pounds of angry pork, he was Razuli: (Kills Wereboar #3) And the score, ladies
lucky to get out a warning shout sufficient to wake
and gentlemen, is: Amazing Studs, 3; Pork, 0!
the rest, as another boar and a sow charged in. Razuli
stabbed the sow, and luckily killed it with one stroke. Dania: (Grabs Kortuls enchanted two-hander,
looks comical trying to carry a sword larger than
Kortul took to the second boar, while Rourk shoved
she is. Ends up dragging it through the dirt.)
his boar away.
Rourk, you idiot!
Rourk: Slaughtering pigs.
My mood is poor
enough as it is.
Rourk: (Continues hacking and slicing.)
46

Navero: (Bashes at Boar with mace, hits Arlor.) Guard 2: New policy, madam. Only instituted
oops. . .
about 12 years ago. I see that you do not visit
often.
Arlor: (Stabs, kills Boar.) Its okay. Yup, only my
Dania: No. What are chits?
head hurts. . .
Wereboar #1: (Misses Rourk, runs off into forest.) Guard 1: (sigh!) A chit is a token which shows
that you have passed into the city through one
of the gates after proper processing, and so canDania: Oh, great! Rourk, that was a magic beast!
not be arrested for an illegal entry. It is a most
You couldnt kill it anyway!
convenient thing to have.
Rourk: Oh, hush, little mage. I was belaboring
quite well. I refuse to lay hands on that clumsy Razuli: Yeah. Cmon, lets go! I wanna see what
your women are like!
carving knife, especially when it has so recently
been in the possession of the odorous barbarian.
(We follow Guard 2 into a small room. A very bored
How is he, anyway?
looking official receives us, with all due pomp.)
Kortul, and everyone else, was healed back to health
by Navero. The Wereboar did not come back, and
we saw no sign of it again. The rest of the night
actually proved quite restful. We rode on, still not
talking much, but no arguments arose. Late in the
afternoon, we rode over a hill and saw before us a
city of great size; we asked a friendly roadside peasant, who revealed to us that it was the local capital
of the Empire.

Official: Hullo. Any valuables to declare?

Razuli: You can see all we got. Any problems with
that?
Guard 2: A more respectful tone, if you please.
Official: Right. Ten percent tax on liquid assets
transported across city boundaries. Cash?

Razuli: Fresh out.

(There are a string of capitals across the empire, each
governing the surrounding territories, and answerable Official: Sorry, we do not allow beggars to walk the
street. Good day!
to the Grand Poobah far to the east. This capital (I
forget the name. Call it Propyla) was third to the Rourk: Sir, do you insinuate that I am a pauper?
last on the line. The next one to the west was experiYou insult me. I demand an apology, or a reencing trouble with local insurrections, we had heard;
sponse!
the westernmost was little more than a town, out in
the true wilderness, and very little news had come Official: (Looks even more bored, if possible.) Yes,
sir. Good day!
from it for some time.)
Navero: Well, we do have some money. We wont
Having nothing better to do, we entered the city.
beg if its illegal.
We immediately encountered problems with the gate
guards.
Official: How much? And would you mind wearing
this ring?
Rourk: Hail! We wish to enter your fair city in
Navero: (Puts on ring.) I have 120 gold crowns,
peace and friendship.
and some silver.
Guard 1: (snif!) You come, all armed, into our
midst, and speak of peaceful intentions, o MOST Razuli: Nav, you idiot! Whyd you have to tell
them that?
noble knight?
Official: And you others?

Guard 2: Come now. One must be understanding

of these provincials.

Navero: They have only pocket change, Mr. Official. I am party treasurer.

Guard 1: Ah, yes. Well, gentlemen and lady, if

you would care to follow this man, you can be Official: You trust all your money with one?
processed and given your chits.
Dania: Oh, absolutely! We all trust ol Nav! He
Dania: Chits?
holds the party fund, until we distribute it.
47

Arlor: Yup! We spent all our money. None here.

Navero: Well, I thought. . .

Official: Oh, very well. (Takes ring back.) Twelve Razuli: Dont do that. Its not your strong suit.
Do you want to have all of us put away, just
gold as entrance tax, 6 silver chit tax, please wear
cause you wanted to show off how clever you
the chit where it can be seen, youll be arrested
were? Thats incredibly selfish, Nav.
without it. Good day!
(The Ring of Truth did not indicate any lies from
Navero, mainly because he was not lying. The other
characters did have only pocket change; the remainder of the Dragon money, amounting to nearly 15,000
gp. And Navero was party treasurer; it was a position he elected himself to at that moment, and its
sole purpose was tax evasion. The morality of his
activities is, of course, open to question, but no one
raised much of a fuss.)

Navero: Im sorry. . .
Razuli: Lets just go, Nav. Tell you what: pay
them later, in secret, okay? And then go confess
to another priest or whatever.
Navero: Well. . .
Razuli: Great. Cmon, lets go!
And so, we entered the great city of Propyla. . .

(Afterwards, within the city proper)

Was that just stealing that I did?

Dan Parsons

Dania: Hey, Nav! Good going!

Navero: Uh, thank you. I guess.
Razuli: Good goin, kid! Youre starting to think
like me, now!
Rourk: Perish the thought. His brain would fall
out.
Razuli: Actually, it already did that once.
Navero: Uh, yes. . .
Dania: Lets go! Maybe they have a magic shop!
Razuli: Maybe they have a red light district!
Navero: Uh, Dania? Was that the right thing to
do?
Dania: Huh? Sure. No prob.
Navero: Well. . . I know the law cant always apply. . . at least I think it cant. . . but wouldnt society collapse if we all just casually broke laws
whenever we felt like it?
Dania: I dont see anything collapsing. Do you see
anything collapsing?
Rourk: Not I. It was no more than those churlish
miscreants deserved.
Navero: Maybe we should go back.
Razuli: Are you sure they closed all the holes in
your head? Kid, theyd just arrest us and torture
us all for days. You wouldnt do that to your
friends, would you?
48

Charlies Magic Christmas

c
1990
Garry James Kirks
[email protected]
Cheddah Melt
Creamy Ranch Dressing Productions

The following is the exact transcript of a pair of cassette tapes found in a shallow ice cave at the extreme
northern latitudes surrounding the pole. The tapes
were discovered, remarkably well-preserved, by the
prominent arctic archaeologist, J. Stanislaw Slope.
Due to the highly sensitive nature of the discovery,
the tapes have been transcribed with a minimum of
editorial input. If you desire further knowledge of
the situation, please send email to the address listed
above. All correspondence will be forwarded to Dr.
Slope.

My

name is, er. . . was. . . Charlie. Charlie Higgins.

Or Hogan. Or maybe Simpson, I dont know. Maybe
it wasnt even Charlie, but for the sake of getting it
onto this tape machine, lets just say Im him, Charlie. Okay?
Everything thats happened is so out of focus,
like its foggy out. I cant remember where I was,
but it seems like it must have been a a small town. I
dont know about its name or anything; like I said my
memory aint so good, it could have been anything.
It could have been anywhere. Ive got it, Ill call it
Anytown. Ha, ha.
The stuff in my head is all patchy. When I
can get it to work, I get this kind of weird feeling,
like I wasnt to happy to be alive. Theres this creepy
movie in my head of my feet moving back and forth,
like Im watching them while I walk. Not like I was
expecting hidden treasures to pop up bottle caps
with prizes and stuff like that but more like I was
wondering how I kept my balance. Somehow I didnt
figure I belonged upright.
My father I dont know if I called him Dad
or Pop worked in the oil fields. I remember cause
he was always gone for a long time, then home again
for about as long. His hands were all black and grimy
all the time. I try to remember what he looked like,
but all I can picture is the hands. The way they
looked, some, but mostly the way they felt coming
down on the top of my head. My face would get all
purple and bruised and Id have to make excuses at

school. He was always mad about something and I

guess I made a pretty good target.
He didnt hit on my brother and sister too
much. She was a girl, of course; somehow its different for them. They dont get beat as much. Or
at least they didnt at my house. My brother spent
most of his time in reform school, so he wasnt likely
to be gotten to.
Its weird, the more I talk into this thing, the
more it all comes back. I guess that means I should
keep going.
It seems like my mother was usually nice to
me, at least when she wasnt so drunk she would puke
all over the kitchen table. My sister would go, Oooh,
gross, and high-tail it on out of there. Of course,
that left me to clean it. I really didnt mind so much,
some of the colors were pretty neat, and I was always
fascinated by the clumps of half-used-up stuff that
came out. She would sometimes pass out with her
face in the middle of it and I would have to clean
around her. My sister was right about that part; it
was pretty gross.
She, my sister Ill call her Millicent, thats
pretty, aint it? was one big pain in the butt.
She was so in love with herself. She thought she was
Gods gift to every pimple-headed boy with a boner in
school. (Maybe I shouldnt have said that, is boner a
bad word?) She would spend hours sometimes staring
into this little lighted mirror thing. A vanity is what
she called it; one of those things with all the bulbs going around it in a circle. She would sit there and put
on make-up by the truckload, flutter her eyelashes,
brush her hair, and talk back and forth to herself like
it was her and one of those weirdo guys in the music
videos and they were out on a date. Oh, Millicent,
baby, she would say, you look so fine tonight. Your
eyes are like the stars, your skin like satin. . .
You know that kind of stuff. Yucheee.
One time I was watching her through the halfopen door to her room and she heard me giggle at
some cock-eyed thing shed said. She turned and
screamed and threw this gigantic wooden brush at

48

me. It put a big ol gash on top of my head. It hurt

real bad and I think. . . wait a sec, Ill see. . .
Yep, its still there; a thick scar right up over
my eyebrow. They must have forgot about that.
They must have forgot a lot, cause Im starting to
remember. I dont think Im supposed to.
See, now that I think about it, her name really
was Millicent. I guess it aint so pretty after all. And,
boy, Mom sure was mad at her for hitting me with
that hairbrush.
I guess, now that Im remembering all of this,
I ought to start telling about how I got to be where
I am and why Im taping this.
It all started when my brother Ill call
him Johnny, cause all the good bad guys are called
Johnny was let out of reform school right before
Christmas one year. Mom wanted to make it a special one, seeing as how everyone would be together
and home and all. Johnny didnt care, he was only
staying cause they told him if he didnt, or if he got
in trouble again, hed have to go to a real jail with
all the murderers and stuff. He wasnt much of a
brother, he usually just sat around in front of the
TV and stayed quiet and played with his little pearlhandled switchblade with the bullfight guy carved on
it. Sometimes he would leave and stay gone all night.
He knew Mom wouldnt turn him in. It would just
get her upset and shed get drunk and throw-up on
something.
We went to the mall one day, Mom, Millicent
and me. We were supposed to be looking for a present
to give to Johnny. He always was her favorite, even
though he practically lived at reform school. I guess
it was cause he was the oldest. She never seemed to
catch on that he was a complete and total bozo-head.
She took me to see the Santa Claus that was
there. She wanted me to ask him for some presents.
I didnt want to at first cause I knew I would never
get anything I asked for. But then I got this idea.
Boy, it sure was one idea I couldve done without.
After waiting in line for an hour with all the
screaming baby kids, I finally got my turn. I climbed
up onto his lap and tugged at his beard to see if it was
real. It didnt come off, so I figured he was alright.
Didnt expect it to come off, did you lad?,
he said, but I dont think he really wanted an answer.
What can I do for you this fine December day? Ill
bet you want a nice new bicycle. Or maybe a robot.
Or a cowboy gun. Go ahead, you can tell me, what
would you like?
Im not sure I can tell you, I said, not what
I really want, anyway. I still wasnt sure of this idea.
And he kinda smelled like beer.
49

Well, I am Santa Claus, you know. And if you

cant trust me, well, there just isnt much of anyone
you can trust, now is there? He put a finger to his
mouth like he was shushing me. I wont tell a soul,
I promise.
I still wasnt too sure I could go through with
it, so I stalled. Are you the real Santa Claus, I
asked, I mean the one that lives at the North Pole
and all. Youre not just some guy in a red suit?
No, son, Im real. Im always around when
someone special *really* needs me. He smiled kind
of strange like and his eyes went all screwy. What
is it you want, boy? What is it really? You can tell
me, Im jolly old Saint Nick, remember?
So I went for it.
What I really want for Christmas this year is
a new family, I said, the one I have I dont much
like.
Can you do that?, I asked.
Well, he said, this time with what I guess
you would call a jolly Ho ho ho, I suppose I can see
what can be done. I have to ask you, though, to be
certain, is it what you really want? You would have
to be absolutely sure.
Im sure, I said, Im real sure. And I was
to, as sure as I could be without knowing what would
come next.
He winked and I knew, I just knew, it was real.
I got down from his big, fat lap and took the
red reindeer lollipop the girl in the elf-suit handed
me. It was old and kind of melted, so I just threw
it away. Mom told me I should be more grateful,
then took a swig off the bottle she carried in her coat
pocket.
We ended up getting Johnny an ugly blue and
yellow sweater that I knew he would never wear.
Mom said it would match his eyes. I guess.
We went home and I waited for Christmas day
to come. I daydreamed the whole time about what
my new family would be like. I saw my new mother in
a white apron, with blonde hair in a bun on top, taking some chocolate chip cookies from the oven. She
was pretty and didnt drink. Not even on holidays.
My new Dad was tall and strong, with a nice smile
and a tie and he would talk to me even when I wasnt
in trouble and he wouldnt hit me and he would be
home all the time.
I didnt think about brothers and sisters. My
new parents would only have enough love for me and
no one else. They would hug me and take me places
that werent stores or places with waiting rooms.
I liked that, if only. . .
I could hardly get to sleep on Christmas Eve,
though Mom didnt seem to have any trouble, what

with all the egg-nog she drank. She passed out on

the couch right after Johnny opened his present. He
had just dropped it on the floor and asked what was
for dinner, then he left.
Dad had only come in that morning. He was
real tired from being at work for two weeks, so he
went straight to bed saying not to wake him up until
the next morning, which was Christmas.
Millicent was off on a date with a guy from the
football team. Most likely the whole football team.
Im sorry, that was mean.
I figured it wouldnt matter if they ruined just
one more Christmas. I was getting my new family
anyway, so I wouldnt ever have to see them again.
I figured when I woke up Id be in a cottage in the
country with my new Mom and Dad and a whole
bunch of presents under the tree.
Boy, was I wrong.
I was kind of disappointed when I woke up,
cause I was still in the old house. I could smell Moms
perfume somewhere, so I knew it had gone wrong.
Santa was a scam after all. It was kind of cold so I
put some slippers on and headed into the living room
to turn up the heat.
Thats when I found Mom.
She was lying on the couch where she had
passed out, still holding her cup. The egg-nog had
spilled all over the floor. She was dead. It looked to
me like she had choked on her own throw-up. It was
even grosser than the kitchen table.
I ran to their room to wake up Dad and tell
him what had happened. He was still in bed where he
had laid down the morning before. There was this big
lump of red and purple mashed-potato-looking stuff
where his head was supposed to be. I dont know yet
what did that, but it sure must have been strong.
Millicent was in her room at the vanity thing.
The mirror was smashed down over her head. The
light bulbs were blinking on and off like an electric
kind of necklace. Her face was smeared with even
more make-up than she would have used. She was
dead too. I think maybe she was electrocuted, cause
her hair was all frizzy and black-like.
Johnny I found in the kitchen lying in a pool
of his own blood. It was dry and brown colored.
His stomach, legs, and face had been slashed up
something fierce. That pearl-handled, bullfight guy
switchblade was poking into one of his eyeballs. I
walked over and pointed the handle and it fell out on
the floor. The eyeball was still on it; it was looking
at me. I started feeling sick.
I grabbed the knife and shook the eyeball off.
It made this nasty splatting sound when it hit the
floor. I was feeling pretty scared and the knife didnt

really help.
I heard these weird giggly kind of sounds coming from the living room. I went in there to find out
what it was. I didnt figure that whatever did what
it did to my family would be giggling, so I wasnt too
afraid. What gave me the heebie-jeebies was that the
living room was where Mom was. I stayed close to
the other wall.
The noises were coming from behind the tree,
so I moved over there. I tippy-toed slowly so they
couldnt hear me.
Whos there, I said.
giggle
Whos there, I said, again.
giggle, giggle
I know how to dial 911, I said, and believe
me, I will.
I heard a jingly noise and these three little
short guys stepped out from behind the tree. They
were dressed kind of like the lady at the mall was;
all green and red. They had little bells on their hats
and shoes, but they werent very cute. On that, the
mall-elf was way off.
Their faces were kind of mashed in and flat.
The ears were pointed, like I remember from books,
but they didnt stand up like they were supposed to;
they just fell over underneath the funny hat. They
were about my size, the biggest a couple of inches
taller. They looked old. One had gray hair.
They giggled some more and one of them, the
tall one, threw some gold sprinkly dust in my face.
Thats when I stopped remembering.
When I woke up I was here, wherever that is.
Its real cold and it snows a lot. I guess its the North
Pole, though its not much like the storybooks said.
The reindeer arent very friendly and I havent seen
them play one reindeer game. Oh, and the elves.
They dont make the toys cause they want to. We
dont like it much, but there really isnt much we can
do. At least I hope im not the only one. It reminds
me of this picture I saw once when I was working
in the book shop. The book was called Oliver Twist.
The picture had all these little boys lined up in a dark
and ugly building. They looked hungry and scared.
They call me Jangles. I live with what I guess
was a another kid. His name is Jimin, like the cricket.
He doesnt remember anything, hes been here a long
time. Its all so strange and hard to understand.
The only clothes I have are these red and green
tights, an ugly floppy hat, and some curly-toed shoes.
I dont have any bells yet; they say that will come
later.
Im not too sure Im looking forward to it.

50

I stole this little tape recorder from the electronics shop. Thats where I work now. Weve made
so many now, I dont think one will be missed. Its
supposed to go to a little girl in Lima, Peru. Thats
somewhere in South America. Shell live without it,
I hope.
Im going to finish now. Theyre calling. Ill
have to hide the tape real good. Hopefully, someday,
someone will find it. Someone other than Uncle Nick.
I dont think he would like me remembering, or my
making this tape. I dont think he would like that at
all.

day

nice

No, the Christian Church is good; they

wouldnt just dream up any old excuse to
burn us as heretics so they could get our
lands and wealth.

have

Unknown victim of the inquisition

51

Life, Death, Paper and Dice

c
1990
Aaron Miaullis

Remember,

boys and girls. . . characters are people truding from the still thrashing creature, and flipped
too, and heres a story that brings it home via a cheat- over to see the jagged granite floor come up to meet
ing DM and one Negard fit for slaughter.
him.
Damn! That was my favorite character!
Negard felt no pain. He felt rather odd floating
Negard the Outcast pulled himself laboriously along
the jagged edge of the granite ridge, a trail of blood above five the five human children below him dressed
flowing freely from the gaping sword wound in his ab- in bright clothing with odd designs. One was hiding
domen. His throat felt hoarse from the granite dust behind a small paper screen and the other four rolled
in the air. Some sixty to seventy feet below him a dice of perfect shape and of fantastic colors. One
battle was still in progress as the rest of his party (an child who had a red shirt with the letters A-D-I-D-Ielven ranger/cleric named Settler, a mage known as A-S on it had stood up and was looking at a piece of
the Silent One and Eric the paladin) fought valiantly paper he had written a complex formula on.
Hey Fred, how about cutting me a little slack
against the hordes of dark elves that surrounded them
on all sides. Negard could see the tiny arrows of his for a heroic death? the kid dressed in red pleaded.
The kid behind the screen rolled some dice abcousins being deflected by the Silent Ones invisible
shield and Eric in melee with eight swordswomen. sently as he looked into the air.
Negard knew his friends were in no trouble; they had
Well, I will let Settler throw his flask of super
survived worse odds. He was more concerned for him- healing at Negard if Joe wants to risk it. Rememself, the wound had the feeling of a slow poison to it. ber Im only being nice because of the glorious death
It was as if the life was being drained away from him. precedent. Remember that Edger.
Even his dark skin was taking on a pale luster, and
The child in red named Edger looked over at
his elven vision showed there was a loss of heat in the Joe person. Joe crossed out a scribble on the
this fingertips. Still, Negard crawled slowly up the paper in front of him. Then the Joe person put down
ridge of the cavern entrance. Every time he stopped his odd stylus, grabbed some dice and nodded his
he could hear the booming voice like the pronuncia- head.
tion of doom, but none of his friends could hear over
Alright! Come on Joe, get that 20! My charthe sound of the brawl. Negard reached the apex of acter needs it! Edger shouted.
the subterranean gate and looked over his shoulder
Joe flipped an odd looking die onto the table.
at the trail of blood that extended all the way down The gem-like die rolled the length of the table to come
to the cavern floor like some ugly snake. Negard the to an eventual stop at the edge of the table. The
Outcast steeled himself, marshaling the last of his en- number was 19. Everyone looked over at Fred.
ergy and drew both his longsword Assslicer and the
Is it enough? asked Edger?
short sword he borrowed from Eric. With his ear
OK, Ill be generous this time. Negard bets
to the rock he could hear footsteps of the creature hit with the potion and gains....
that approached the gate, behind his friends.
Another couple of dice were rolled behind the
With a shout the creature emerged from the screen. Negard saw four six sided dice roll. The numentrance. It stood fifty feet tall with blood red skin, bers were one, one, one and two.
eight arms (each with a flaming curved sword twenty
Okay! I rolled really good this time, Negard
feet long), clawed feet and a gaping mouth of foot gets twenty one hit points back! Fred said.
long teeth with a forked tongue that dripped acid on
Negard felt pulled down into the piece of paper
the cavern floor. It was facing the stunned party, in front of Edger just as Fred said the number twenty
with its back to Negard.
one.
With a leap Negard left his perch and fell down
Negard, splattered with a liquid, landed on the
onto the back of the creature, his swords both going ground and rolled in to a crack in the side of the wall.
in between its shoulder blades - bisecting the vertebra The party was finishing off the dying creature. After
and slicing into its lungs. Negard fell, his swords pro- the creature was dead they walked over to Negard.
52

Well, asked Settler, did you go to Valhalla

there for a minute? Good thing I was able to hit you
with that flask of healthy waters before you hit the
ground.
Yes good thie... I mean entrepreneur, did
you have one of those out-of-body experiences we all
hear about? Eric had politely handed Negard his
longsword and was holding his own short sword as if
to stress a point.
Yes... were all made out of ink marks and paper. There were a group of children arguing over our
fate and rolling dice all the time. Negard shook his
head to clear the horrible vision. They even cheat
on the dice, can you believe that?
Eric leaned over and put a comforting mailed
hand on Negards head.
Obviously you hit head first. Lets go off and
find a pub on the surface for a drink. I think you
need one.
Negard shook his head again. Well, maybe I
do. Lots.
As they left the cavern Erics laughter could be
heard, Pieces of paper, really Negard you have some
imagination! You make it seem like some game!

So Bill, tell us about holographic food.

Steven King
Software Archaeologist
[email protected]

53

Were all Bozos on this Bus

c
1990
Kay Shapero
[email protected]

What happens on an exploratory mission in outer-

one from his cabin locker instead. We hadnt gotten

space is heavily dependent on with whom you go ex- to that one, since the lock on his cabin had thus far
ploring.
proven impossible for me to pick.
Anyway, the emergency in question involved
the presence of four other ships, one large, and the
Well, it happened like this. . .
We were all sitting around the briefing room rest small. Upon contacting them, we found that
conversing and generally wondering what the fates they were Hegemonic, a liner and three scatterships
and the high command were going to send us this respectively, crewed largely by Altani. The positions
time for a captain, seeing as how our last one had of two of the scatterships as they approached our genreportedly vanished, screaming into the night, when eral area would have made things perfect for a slalom
run, but the captain, the spoilsport, wouldnt let me
the door opened to admit a tall individual.
A very tall individual. A fourteen-foot tall in- try it. How am I supposed to maintain my reputadividual. A fourteen-foot tall Bjoran individual with tion as a hot pilot if I never get to try anything ina vaguely sour look on his face. Lirarl, the bio- teresting? Oh, well, I suppose the Altani might have
chemist, leaned over and whispered to me. Dyou decided to be obnoxious about it they do get upset
at the strangest things.
suppose thats him?
I suppose Id better introduce the rest of us.
I whispered back. If he is, I sure hope you
The
commander,
you already know about, and the
brought enough dye. . .
biochemist.
Im
Yealurowluro,
the pilot (and partSure enough, he introduced himself as Gregor
time
communications
officer),
and
the others on this
Gohkra, our new commander and proceeded to extrip
were
as
follows:
plain the details of our next mission, namely taking
a look at the planets, if any, of a couple of stars and
Srilurow: Power systems engineer
checking them for anything of interest. I must say
that there is one thing for which I occasionally envy Lawaro: Geologist
those overserious vulpine hotheads the Altani, and
that is their telepathy, as it would have been inter- Aryialo: Electrical engineer
esting to see how much, if any, of the annoyance our
Rawlaow: Astrogator
new captain was trying to hide was due to something
about the mission itself, and how much was due to Ailurowlurr: Geologist and medical expert
being picked to command a ship crewed entirely by
Sawalaro: Weapons expert
HReli. I wondered what he did to deserve us.
The ship went into Jump with no problems Wailuro: Survival expert
past the usual accompaniment of urping crewmembers. Including the captain entertaining, that,
The ship itself was designated with some long
considering the legendary cast-iron stomaches pos- string of numbers and letters that Im not going
sessed by the Bjora. But then, nobody ever quite to bore you with, but we always called it The
gets used to Jump nausea. Once the ship was safely Boomerang because, as Lirarl put it No matter how
underway, there were a few days before anything of many times you throw it away, it always comes back
interest happened, thus giving Lirarl and me plenty and hits you in the back of the head. . . which, judgof time to coat part of the back inside section of the ing by the assignments weve drawn is probably the
captains spacesuit with a colorless substance guar- opinion of the High Command. Some people have no
anteed to dye that portion of his fur brilliant yellow. sense of humor.
All for naught, alas, for when we did encounter someSeveral days later, about thirteen silvery
thing and he ordered everyone into suits, he wore the ovoids, each somewhat smaller than our ship, turned
54

up and arranged themselves about the Jump drive

pylons. I slowed down a bit for a closer look at which
point one of them moved forward and nudged the
hull (I nudged the whateveritwas back, eliciting an
annoyed look from the captain), then dropped back
when we sped up. So I tried to contact it and it
replied with something that overloaded the communications gear and blew out part of the board (eliciting
another annoyed look from the captain). We finally
guessed that they were a small variety of space whale
(space dolphins?) who merely wanted to ride our
shock wave for a while. Eventually, they left, too fast
for me to try longer range communications which was
to the relief of Aryialo, who had just finished fixing
the gear.
*

Lirarl and I had a conference.

He: Figured out the lock on the captains cabin
yet?
Me: Nope. Looks like we cant get at his spacesuits,
sigh.
He: Whatll we do, then?
Me: Lessee. . . What does he have, or where does he
go that he cant lock up or guard?
In unison: The Head!
Few crews can have watched their captains
every move quite as much as we did for the next
few hours. But at last, he was observed entering the
aforementioned facility, we waited 10 seconds, and
I hit the gravity switch. Immediately, the 5 second
warning sounded, followed by the loss of all gravity.
And I waited another 10 seconds, then switched it
on again, figuring that while the gravity on/off warning usually gives people time to brace themselves, in
this case. . . Well, while none of us ever found out precisely what happened in there, he did take rather a
long time to come out again.
Onward to the first system we ventured, with
the captain, who of course had no idea exactly who
had pulled the deck out from under him and who was
somewhat annoyed with all of us. Naturally, this gave
all those who werent in on the gag plenty of incentive
to come up with their own.
Prime candidate for most interesting object in
the system of the first star was a planet located in
the habitable range, complete with plants, animals,
water and so forth. Mapping from polar orbit showed
a big magnetic anomaly which turned out to be nine

miles of very wrecked spaceship, so we went down to

look at it, landing about five miles away in a forest
clearing, due to the usual captainly paranoia.
Speaking of captainly paranoia, it soon became obvious that, since I was the only decent pilot
on board, I was not going to be allowed to go over
to the wreck with any of the exploratory teams. After being stuck inside this undersized flying object
for over a week, too! The party that did go included
Wailuro, as survival type, and Lirarl on one grav sled,
plus Lawaro and Aryialo in another. At least they
did carry remote cameras so that the rest of us could
see what was going on. The wrecked ship appeared
to have been designed for beings considerably taller
than the captain, about twenty feet to be precise, a
judgement confirmed by the discovery of a humanoid
skeleton in the remains of a rubberish outfit.
While all of this was at least mildly amusing,
being stuck inside was a considerable annoyance, so
I pretended to be off to the head. Instead, I went aft
where nobody was likely to spot me, got out a light
environmental suit as did Sawalaro who had joined
me somehow on route, ducked out the airlock and
spent about 15 minutes looking about, keeping well
out of view from the bridge. While it was hardly
as pleasant as being outside on a planet where we
didnt need suits and could breathe fresh air, it still
helped ease the irritance of being stuck inside so long.
Apparently fifteen minutes was long enough for the
captain to get suspicious, because we returned inside
barely in time to respond to a roll-call. I dare say
the captain may have found it suspicious that we answered from the place we did, but he could hardly
prove anything.
Soon, the exploratory team found a still functioning artifact a twenty-foot tall, operational security robot which took an immediate dislike to them.
Deactivating it was an interesting experience, to say
the least, but they did manage it and then asked if the
captain would please send a couple more grav sleds
out so they could bring the thing, and the skeleton,
back to the ship.
Captain? I inquired, hopefully.
No!
And he proceeded to send Sawalaro and Srilurow (the latter in scout grade powered armor) instead. Grrrr. . .
While they were headed out, I took advantage
of a couple of free minutes and left the bridge, this
time for the captains cabin. As I hadnt managed to
pick the lock, I poured epoxy into it instead. Wed
see if he liked being locked out as little as I did being
locked in.
They had just loaded up the robot plus the

55

skeleton when another robot turned up, just as pugnacious as the last one. . . This time, the resulting
fight munged one grav sled, Lirarls left arm (sliced
right off), and everyones peace of mind. It also left
the captain with a problem, namely who to send out
with Ailurowlurr, who was the closest thing to a medical officer we had on board.
Look, I said, Ill wear powered armor. Ill
wear marauder armor, for crying out loud. If anything bothers me, Ill personally sling it into orbit!
Oh, all right.
So I finally got out to the ship after all. It was
marginally more interesting seen close up. And the
flight out and back was no trouble at all.
*

Several hours out from the planet, the captain

decided to go to his cabin with results that were heard
all over the ship. Marvelous stuff, epoxy. I think
Ailurowlurr was about to go offer him a firmer to
use as a cutting torch, when the captain solved the
problem by ripping the door off its hinges. Bjoran
muscles are pretty good, too.
The next few hours were spent replacing the
door at the captains orders while he sat in his room
so we wouldnt do anything to the contents.
Another conference.
Me: Well, hes learning.
Aryialo: Maybe. But while hes in there, he cant
watch us out here. As long as hes going to go
ripping doors up, lets make this one as flimsy as
possible.
Me: You do that while I make up about a dozen
duplicate keys.
After all, he hadnt said not to. . .
*

The first planet of the next system was a

rather scorched bit of rock entirely too close to the
primary for my tastes. We took the usual mess of
pictures and departed for planet number three taking three *urp* jumps.
Figuring that it was about time to branch out
from physical practical jokes, I next acquired a bottle of beer from Srilurow when he wasnt looking (he
was spending most of his free time bugging the captains quarters while the latter was on the bridge),
wrapped it up nicely, put a tag on it addressed to the
captain, and left it on his acceleration couch, where
in due course he found and unwrapped it with such

caution that I was almost sorry I hadnt used contact

paper. Eyeing the enclosed bottle as though he expected it to explode momentarily, he thanked us all,
patted Aryialo on the head, and removed the beer
carefully to his cabin. I hoped he would have great
fun trying to figure out what was wrong with it since,
unless Srilurow was booby-trapping his private stock,
nothing was. Mind games, anyone?
The planet looked like something one might
actually care to live on. Certainly someone had, for a
temperature anomaly we noted from orbit proved to
be a ruined city which was especially good at soaking
up the suns heat and reradiating it at night. We
landed five miles away, as usual. I glanced at the
captain, hopefully.
Forget it.
Sigh.
The exploration team consisted of two grav
sleds, one containing Wailuro and Ailurowlurr, the
other, Sawalaro and a lot of equipment. All three
were in scout armor (the lightest form of powered armor), while Srilurow, who wasnt even going along,
was ordered to stand by in marauder armor (two more
steps along the scale between suit and ship) at the
ship in case of trouble. Once again, they carried cameras so we could see what was going on. There was
little to see but buildings and indecipherable street
signs (all duly recorded), until Wailuro spotted a car
parked on one of the streets. He investigated, pulling
at the door which promptly and enthusiastically came
off in his hand.
I glanced over at Rowlaow. Think the captains been giving lessons?
I was universally ignored as Wailuro reported
a life form inside which closely resembled a twelve
legged tarantula, and attempted to catch it in a specimen container. Skitter, skitter, skitter, whap, skitter, skitter, skitter, whap. . . it took him three tries to
catch the thing by which time most of us were betting
on the spider.
*

A couple of hours later, they reached the center of the city, to find a building in somewhat better
shape than those theyd seen earlier. It was about
twenty or thirty feet tall, with huge double doors
which showed no interest in opening until someone
poured penetrating oil on the frozen hinges. Inside, the building appeared more like three hundred
feet tall, leading us eventually to the conclusion that
power sufficient to operate holographic projectors was
still on.
Next morning, the exploration team went back
out to the building, suited as before (with poor Sril-

56

urow still standing by in marauder armor, back at the

ship) and investigated, finding a central dais with a
head-setted chair in which Ailurowlurr had to be prevented from sitting. General poking around located
a shaft beneath the dais leading down into a lot a
gadgetry associated with a power plant as well as a
lot of little thingies closely resembling robotic versions of that spider (not that theres much difference,
at that). So they closed it up and continued looking
around.
Something of a lull having come up, I decided
that this was a good time to slip the hygroscopic stuff
Lirarl had given me (stuff starts as a powder, but
absorbs enough from the air to get really slimy in a
few hours) into the captains bed. Unfortunately, the
captain proved to be on it when I opened the door
with my copy of the key. Oops. . .
Hi there, I observed brightly. You seem to
have left your key in the hall and I thought Id bring
it back to you.
He silently fished out his key and showed it to
me.
Well, I found this one in the corridor. . .
This met with a notable lack of belief, and
the captain promptly confiscated the key and started
in on a rather comprehensive lecture on the subject
of my perfidious doings. I stood there admiring his
oratory for a while, then handed him a dagger and
exposed my throat. He broke off in mid-harangue
with the most beautiful double-take Id seen in a long
time, paused a second, then took the dagger, grinned,
said something about that not being necessary and
held up one hand. His claws, unlike the dagger, were
not made of rubber; I thoughtfully went elsewhere.
The captain turned up on the bridge shortly
after I did and insisted on being given all of the duplicate keys. I think he got most of them, at that, but it
was at this point that we were distracted by what was
going on out at the exploration site. Since the captain had carefully ordered that no one was to disturb,
or especially to sit in the chair on the dais, Sawalaro,
her curiosity finally getting the upper hand, had sat
on it. . . and quickly sprang back off of it again, with a
glazed expression. Seems that not only did the thing
increase the psionic capabilities of anyone using it for
as long as they did so, it also increased them exponentially for every second of operation. With all the
new data being piled on her each second, shed been
lucky to keep her sanity. At least the effect did not
seem to last once she got off again. Predictably, the
captain ordered everyone out of the building.
Elsewhere, the explorers found a skeleton, sort
of. . . well, a couple of bones. Fortunately, they also
found what appeared to be a library with five paint-

ings of the locals who resembled six-foot teddy bears

(mini-Bjora?), and lots of books. 760 of the latter
were removed very carefully so as not to let them fall
apart, and brought back to the ship.
After debriefing, Sawalaro went straight to the
brig. The captain ordered the rest of us not to
smuggle anything in to her, which is probably why
Ailurowlurr, having already sneaked her a handful
of keys to the brig (dont ask me where she got
them. . . snicker) promptly retired to the food facilities out of sight of the captain and concocted an entire plate full of fancy hors doerves and then brought
them down to the brig. She was about to hand them
to Sawalaro when the captain, whod been watching
the whole thing from the brig surveillance remote, hit
a switch, causing the door to the next cell to swing
open. Ailurowlurr took the hint, gave half of the hors
doerves to Sawalaro, and proceeded into the next
cell with the rest of them. I hope she didnt mind
Sawalaros flute practice.
We finished mapping the planet and departed,
only to spot something about eighteen feet long and
missilish, with a stylized bird figure painted on it,
falling into the system on a hyperbolic curve. Tracing its path backwards, we figured it might have come
from the first system we looked at. At any rate, while
we didnt know for sure what it was, it did give off
rather more radiation than the background, so we settled for nudging it into a stable orbit with the tractors and left it. Let someone else try to figure it out
if Fleet was really that curious.
Shortly thereafter, it became apparent that
Srilurow wasnt the only one whod bugged the captains quarters, for the captain returned to his cabin
to find a large sample of Bjoran pornographic art
on one wall of the corridor, speakers inside his room
broadcasting bawdy Bjoran music, plus a small but
active device squirting Bjoran pheremones into the
air. The captain may or may not have been amused,
but he did promptly give his cabin a thorough going over, removing all of the bugs, speakers, cameras,
etcetera, etc. . . Sigh. . .
We didnt see much of interest on the way back
with the exception of six small ships we didnt recognize we left them alone, they left us alone; plus
an Altani armored scout with whom we exchanged
howdies. It can be fun to see the expression on an
Altanis face when s/he realizes theres a HReli on
the other end of the conversation.
A few hours from our destination, the captain
decided to hold suit drill, presumably with malice
aforethought, for the suits smelled even worse than
usual. Of course, none of us said anything, with the
exception of Srilurow, who promptly asked Captain,

57

have you been putting air freshener in the suits? Mine

smells much better than that marauder armor did.
When drill was over, it soon became obvious
that the smell was going to linger in our fur for quite a
while, even for Aryialo whod noticed the stench and
switched quickly into the suit in his cabin locker. So
we all took to hanging around the captain until he got
sufficiently annoyed to order us to go wash up. This
we did and noticed that, thanks to the suits, everyone
but Aryialo, Lirarl (in sick bay), and the two in the
brig now had tails brightly colored in various shades
of photographic dye (mine was cyan). This gave me
an idea, so I got hold of various dyes and, rather than
try and dye my tail to match the rest of me, patterned
the rest of my fur. This caught on beautifully, and the
good ship Boomerang soon had the most Technicolor
crew in space.
The rest of the trip was rather hectic, what
with various members of the crew trying to pull something equally interesting on the captain, who wasnt
venturing out of his cabin without his suit, but soon
we were sufficiently busy with approach that nobody
had time for anything sneaky. I did have hopes for
the frictionless goop I spread on the captains acceleration couch, but when he came out for final approach
he wasnt wearing his suit for a change and managed
to notice it before he sat down. Oh well, it did cause
him to go back to his cabin for the landing; so after
we touched down, Aryialo and I sloshed the rest of
the frictionless lubricant down the hall outside of his
door. I hear it took him an hour just to get out. . .
And that, my friend, is how this fad got
started. Now, would you prefer your ears pink or
international orange?

Some people say virtue is its own reward,

But when the surf comes, Im gonna get my board.
Ive my own ideas about the righteous kick,
You keep the reward; Id just as soon stay sick.
Nathaniel Pryce
[email protected]
Dept. of Computing, Imperial College, London, UK

58

The Harrison Chapters 5 & 6

c
1990
Jim Vassilakos
[email protected]

Heres

the next installation of Michael Harrisons

voyage into ambiguous obscurity, which I suppose
is an improvement of obscure ambiguity as opposed
to the obambigscurity in which we were previously
immersed. . . To wit. . . If this story bears any resemblance to a Traveller campaign, your imagination is
more ambobscurguous than mine!

Five
The

nose of the kayak climbed quickly over the

tall wave, slicing the crest in half before plunging
back down to meet the next. Its occupant paddled
furiously against the wind, straining frantically to
beat the next rise before the sea engulfed her vessel. Her long slender arms gleamed in the morning
sunlight, their dark, Draconian tones accented by a
rich, brazen glow. A sudden gust of air almost capsized the boat spraying a salty white foam against her
long, black windswept hair. She breathed deeply in
exhilaration and struggled to keep the kayak upright.
Out in the open sea, several kilometers from any land,
she was beginning to lose her personal battle of wills
against the elements.
She noticed the brilliant silver frame of the hydrofoil from the corner of her eye as it approached.
The craft sped over the water in front of her, only
its three skinny legs touching the water. They barely
seemed to connect at all. Agyris poked his dark, smiling face out the window as the pilot crossed her path.
Had enough yet?!! he shouted.
She turned her watch transmitter back on,
knowing her weak voice wouldnt carry as far as his.
Almost, give me another cent.
Her aides voice broke over the transmitter,
Old Johnnys on the Coral. It looks like a situation
has developed. Its urgent.
She cursed under her breath. Okay. Bring
the Coral in to get me. The next wave nearly rolled
her over, and she turned the kayak around so that
she wouldnt have to fight the wind or tide.
Agyris hand flapped out the window as the
hydrofoil sped away. She heard his voice over the

transmitter, Ambassador Uhambra is ready now.

Coral steer fifteen degrees starboard and proceed at
fifty knots. Pick-up at six-hundred and forty approximate. Over.
She leaned back letting the kayak drift with
the tide while avoiding the brunt of the cold wind at
her back. The sky was a pale blue without a cloud
anywhere in sight. On the eastern horizon, Tizars
brilliant tangerine sun seemed to shimmer through
the wide expanse of atmosphere. She saw purplebrown dots when she blinked and decided to refocus
elsewhere.
Ahoy there! The 1st mate was waving from
the deck. He wore a striped blue and white shirt with
a sunny face. He tossed a hook, and smiled down at
her as if expecting some reward. She
hooked her kayak and climbed aboard, as he
manually wheeled in the small craft.
Wheres mister problem? she absentmindedly inquired, reaching for a towel. The first mate
smiled through the pained and exhausted look he
liked so much to wear in the company of superiors.
She guessed it was his idea of looking busy.
Oer there, ambassador. He nodded his head
toward the cabin as he wrestled with the wheel.
Dont strain yourself. She wrapped the
white towel around her tall slender frame. It was a
sharp contrast to her black swimsuit and dark, suntanned skin.
John Clay opened the cabin door and walked
out onto the deck. Bags drooped under his usually
alert, crystal-blue eyes. He wore a white business
suit. She remembered he had a number of them along
with a collection of expensive ties. It was considered
ancient custom with the corporation; but on Tizar,
it was contemporary fashion.
She stared at him silently with her dark brown
eyes. She would let him confess incompetence and
beg for another chance before patting him unforgivingly on the head and sending him home. As usual,
he waited for the first mate to leave the deck before
beginning his report.
Ambassador, it is good to see you vibrant and
alive and as young as ever. She sensed the vague tone

59

of disrespect, the way he said young. Was he envious?

Im older than you, Johnny.
Yes, the miracle of anagathics. It never
ceases to amaze me. So lucky it was for you that
you became a diplomat and not a sleeper.
She bit her lip in aggravation. Not luck.
What brings you here this time?
I have bad news to report.
Again?
The Solomon residence was broken into early
this morning by that reporter. We captured him, but
his accomplice escaped with the Siri. Together, they
have enough evidence to support. . .
Let me guess. . . a police investigation.
Or worse still, a full divisional security review. And thats far more likely. Clays hands were
wrung together, his knuckles white from lack of circulation. He continued, This could all have been
avoided if we had simply killed Harrison and his Psyche as I advised. . .
How did they learn of your whereabouts?
She ignored Clays complaint. They both knew it
had holes.
Were checking into that now.
Did you redirect all your people to new controls?
He nodded, Yes, but. . .
Well, thats all that really matters then. After you leave, they can investigate all they want, it
wont do them a bit of good. Do you have a list of
your redirections? He handed her the envelope.
What was youre method of communication?
Non-electronic, of course.
That leaves quite a lot of room.
Sealed paper envelope. Like this one but with
coded orders.
In person?
He hesitated, Yes. It was safer and fairly
quick. And I used private transport.
Where?
Where what?
She bit her lip again, Where was contact
made?
A few at their residences. They spread
the word, and the rest came to receive orders at
Solomons. . .
Right in the middle of Snowcountry?
Its fairly out of the way.
What about the security disk for that day?
It was destroyed by Harrison. He had to protect his accomplice.
Youre sure? We cant have that thing floating around.

Would you like to see its remains?

Not particularly. She wondered if he was
trying to be funny. When you leave tonight, take
Solomon with you. Of course.
She smiled for the first time since seeing him.
Is that all then?
Not quite. Id like to know what were supposed to do with Harrison.
Have you interrogated him?
Not yet.
Wake him and do it. Report back if he has
anything interesting on him mind.
If not, can I kill him?
She laughed, Would it give you great pleasure?
On the contrary. Id like to keep him alive
for torture. Hes only ruined everything.
Alright. You can do with him whatever your
little heart desires. I emphasize little heart, because I
know you very well. Thats if and only if he refuses to
cooperate. However, if he has something interesting
to offer, see if theres a way to avoid murder. Hes
quite possibly the top gatherer on Tizar, maybe even
in the entire sector. There will be a storm in the press
if he just disappears. See if there isnt a way we can
use him to our advantage. He must have some sort of
connections. And find out how much he knows. Itll
give us a good idea where we stand.
Clay nodded, trying consciously to make a
mental note of every order. He knew he wouldnt try
hard to make Harrison talk. It would be fun getting
rid of him.

Mike awakened slowly, his body stretched like a slab

of meat along a tightly strewn grav-field, its invisible
coils suspending his horizontally, tugging his arms
and legs in separate directions. He glanced about
the large, dimly lit room, its sharp, jutting contours
and lack of furnishing serving a dull reminder of his
helpless position. A large window along the far wall
overlooked a blue-green seascape, gaeyave and shallowfish swimming slowly past the plastic brace, while
another creature with long clear tentacles attached
itself to the smooth surface. Mike peered between its
suctioning arms wondering if he was dreaming. He
could barely make out the blurry lights of Aquapolis
in the far distance.
Robin leaned with her back against the glass
and watched Mike while the drugs slowly lost their
grip. As his eyes focused on her dark outline they
seemed to close on the neat puncture wound in the
center of her forehead. His legs began kicking in a

60

pathetic sort of dance as he tried to physically squirm

out of the gravity cell.
We had to put you in there. You kept on
hurting yourself. She approached him cautiously.
You didnt have to dope me up. How long
has it been?
Not long.
Mike stopped fighting the field. He tried to
relax and think of a way out, but he was out of ideas.
He looked her over. Robin wore a pair of blue
overalls. A headband hung limply from her front
pocket.
Sorry about shooting you. He tried to make
it sound genuine.
Quite all right Mr. Harrison. I understand
your motives.
He wondered how much an android could understand.
Besides, she continued, it was about the
best place you could have aimed.
No brains, huh.
She patted her chest.
Well, it doesnt look good.
She seemed to laugh inwardly as Mr. Clay
glibly strolled in, No, but it will heal. He looked
very self-assured, even a little cocky. Robin is very
hard-headed Michael. May I call you Michael? The
bullet you fired simply bounced off. The skin which
was torn is constructed with a biochemical agent not
unlike that found in mendwear. Bed off.
The grav-field slowly rotated Mike into a
standing position. He looked at Robin. She smiled
as if on display.
Why are you telling me this? Mike tried not
to sound too irritated.
Clay pondered the question for a moment, his
thin, white brows furrowed in self-restraint. Because
I like you. . . he managed with a sarcastic twist to
his voice.
Mike let a smile creep across him face before plunging, arms outstretched. He felt his body
sheathed in fire, burning alive even as brushed by the
old man and hit the floor, his inflamed arms crackling
and spitting like dry driftwood over an open barbecue.
What you are now experiencing Michael. . . is
our cooperation inducing system. It consists of a
series of electrical implants in your brain. . . which
are capable of constructing a wide array of phantom
sensations. . . when properly instructed. His booming
voice slowly slipped to its usual volume as the flaring
pain evaporated.
Mike felt his head, naked flesh and electrodes.
You bastard.
61

Clay smiled at the remark.

Why the hell are you doing this?
Id like to get to know you. . . get to know your
work?
Why should I tell you jack-sh. . . Mike hit
the floor as the electricity scathed through his mind,
his head throbbing in illusory explosion.
I believe you will find our methods quite convincing.
Mike tried to talk, but the pain forced his
mouth shut, his neck curling backward in agony.
Gasping for breath, he refocused his eyes. Robin
stood over him, her foot resting softly on his chest.
I dont know. . . you want. . .
Now were getting somewhere arent we. . .
Robin blurred into the ceiling, its dark surface
pressing on him, pushing him deeper into the floor.
We want to know. . . how we can help. . . do
we?
Ye. . . . . .
Whats that Michael?
Yes. . .
The pain faded slowly, the pressure falling
away like storm clouds over the coast, raining then
leaving in gentle succession. Clay regarded the young
man with antipathy, the body tangled in grotesque
torment, and without a single scratch. He much preferred real torture, the sort that you could see and
have respect for; but that could wait for later.
Robin picked Mikes head off the floor and let
it drop. Hes unconscious. Automatic depressants
registering in the forward cranium.
Thats no fun. . . let us wake him.
Are you sure?
Do it.
Dark brown eyes burst open as the chemicals
neutralized in wave after wave of mind splitting torment. Clays smiling face loomed above like a bobbing floater.
Tizar to Michael. . . are you still with us? I
hope that was as good for you as it was for me,
Michael. Because, to be absolutely honest, it doesnt
get much better; but we will try, wont we. He
winked toward the silhouette sitting quietly against
the window.
Go ahead. . .
Whats that Michael? Are you actually cognizant? Have you a thought to share?
Mike felt Clays glaring eyes upon his face even
as he closed his own.
. . . before it dies of loneliness?
Go
ahead. . . what?
Kill me. . .

A long silence passed before Mike opened his

eyes. Clay looked astonished and insulted.
Kill you??? Why in heavens name should I
do a nasty thing like that? I want to be your friend.
We are friends. . . arent we Michael?
What the hell do you want from me?
You mustnt be difficult Michael. . . its a
naughty thing.
Burning sensations tore through Mikes body
for a fraction of a second as he turned to look again
at Robin.
She controls it Michael. . . she could kill you
on a whim. . . except, of course, for the obvious
fact that androids dont have whims. Lucky for
you. . . isnt it?
Mike griped bare floor as the pain coursed
through his veins. He twisted about, vulnerably,
clawing toward her with floundering motions. But
since youve been such a good sport, were going to
keep you company for a while longer. Are you feeling
cooperative yet?
Tell me what you want.
Clay acquiesced, Very well, let us start at the
common ground, just to see what we both know. Tell
me who killed our esteemed friend, Mr. John Doe
number seventeen.
Mike stopped and thought as the pain released
its hold.
Who. . . Fork? You want to know who killed
Fork?
I believe I have made myself abundantly lucid, Michael. You were aware of them. We know you
visited the pit.
Clay first heard a chuckle, then a snort, then
a laugh, then a sound he couldnt place in any interrogation he had ever participated in or heard of.
He looked down at the billowing figure in amazement
and then back toward Robin.
What are you doing?
She nodded her head, nothing.
Michael, either weve pushed you completely
over the edge, or. . .
Fork isnt dead. Mike tumbled himself into
a sitting position, holding his side with one hand and
wiping away tears with the other.
You are insane.
Mike beamed up, the laughter leaving him as
the memory of pain crept back into his mind.
You dont believe me, Clay. . . flush me out
the torpedo tubes.
The old man smiled at the suggestion.
Clay wasnt convinced, If hes alive, then
where is he?
62

Mike rubbed the metal connections on his

head.
Where is he!?!
The dim flicker of pain approached his senses
and veered away as he steadied his gaze on the dark
outline against the wall.
Ill do it, Michael.
The moment hung open like a sputtering ocean
swell refusing to die.
In transit to Calanna.
And how do you know this to be true?
A little birdie told me. Look Mr. Clay, Im
a gatherer. Ive got ways of finding things out.
Connections?
Clay seemed intrigued; whether out of playfulness of
genuine belief, Mike couldnt tell.
That, investigation, and sometimes just a little intuitive reasoning.
What did your little break-in this morning
constitute. Investigation or intuitive reasoning?
Robin told the truth; he hadnt been out very
long. Mike wondered how far it was to the surface.
Mr. Harrison, Clay skipped to the surname
as if he were beginning a long lecture, It seems as if
we have fallen into a double-checkmate. Do you play
chess?
On occasion.
Double-checkmate is the games one fault; it
is shall we say, the impossible outcome. Yet, in reality, it is all too common. Rarely instead of there
being a winner and a loser, both parties lose.
Theres always stalemate. . . Mike involuntarily slid backward an inch as Clay glared at the
interruption.
Not the same, Mr. Harrison. One is more a
tie than the other.
I see.
We have forced each other into unacceptable
losses, and foolishly. We are not enemies. If anything,
we both want to see this Mr. Fork as you call him
returned to Tizar, alive and well.
Then why did you kidnap Niki?
You were interfering with my work. You were
investigating me. And furthermore, you were drawing
attention to Mr. Fork. I am convinced that if he were
not the subject of your obtuse scrutinies, Imperial
attentions would never have been attracted.
ISIS.
Clay smiled and folded his hands over his belt.
What part in this do you play, Mr. Clay.
The old mans skin tightened involuntarily,
Again you probe me, Michael.
Mike looked at Robin. Her outline seemed to
shimmer against the dim, blue light of the seascape.

Fine. Ill forget you. Ill forget I ever met

you. But just what are you proposing?
That you go to Calanna in search of this Mr.
Fork. I would like you to find him and bring him back
here to Tizar.
And what will you do? Linden already knows
that you planted those bugs.
What I will do is unimportant.
Mike smiled in disbelief, I know Chuck. He
doesnt take security lightly. I really doubt that hed
just put this to rest.
He has no choice. You have no choice. Or
would you rather be fed to the fish?
Look, Im just saying. . .
Mr. Harrison, you are not in a position to
debate me. Will you do as I bid? A simple yes or no
will suffice.
Mike considered it, even though he knew Clay
was right. He had no choice. They had no choice.
That was the beauty of
double-checkmate, or mutual assured destruction as most folks called it. It was a lesson history had
invariably taught every culture. And in each culture
it had a different name.
Okay. I guess youve got me. Ill convince
Chuck to stay cool, and Ill go to Calanna. He didnt
mention that the latter was already decided.
And youll take Robin.
And Ill. . . now hold it just a minute. Mike
raised his hands in protest.
And youll take Robin. Clay held all the
cards, and he knew it. Mike realized it was pointless to debate.
Fine. Ill take her.

Six
Mike leaned against the wall and squinted into the
cool, scented spray as it stung his face and shoulders
and dissolved into a fine, white mist, pools gathering
in clusters and slipping down his aching body to the
hexagonal tiles below. He vaguely wondered what he
would tell Linden, trying to rehearse the words in his
mind. Oh, remember that guy with the android who
kidnapped Niki and bugged your offices and home?
Yeah, hes really an okay guy. I was just talking to
him this morning. He decided not to jettison me out
his torpedo tubes. Isnt that the nicest thing?
Robin was in the next room prying about,
trying to glean information about him from every
facet of his life. Bosss orders, she explained, but

she approached the assignment with a curiosity beyond mere orders. He hardly knew her and she was
already getting on his nerves.
Okay. Dry now. The spray shut off and short
blasts of warm air jetted from the sides of the stall.
A clear bowl-shaped device lowered itself from the
ceiling until it surrounded his head. He shut his eyes
as hot air jets whipped around his ears. In a few
moments Mike stepped out of the stall and looked for
the threads. Robin had laid a black three piece suit
out for him. He hated formal wear, but he knew the
occasion warranted it. Quickly dressing, he grabbed
a comb and then set it back down as it scratched bare
flesh. He found a formal hat beside the imager.
Robin, dressed in a long white evening dress,
sat on the couch bent over the Niko camera system
with its various parts sprawled across the living room
floor. She had been sifting through pictures in storage
and apparently one had caught her fancy.
Whatre you up to? Mike approached cautiously remembering the last nights incident and the
pain she could inflict.
I didnt know you had another Siri. Whos
this one?
Mike glanced at the picture on the screen.
A young Siri woman, perhaps five years older than
Niki, stood facing a large triangular lake finished in
polished black stone centered around three fountains
outlined by the dim amber light of Calannas dying
red sun. Her eyes, dark and bitter, seemed to cast a
shadow across the black stone tiles upon which naked
symbols were etched like tortured spirits, bonded to
the stone for all eternity. Mike remembered the sacrificial alter for all its beauty and pain; and as if by
reflex, he reached to the monitor and the screen went
black.
Robin looked up startled, I was just looking.
She was an old friend. You wanna go?
Theres still another hour. Whats your
hurry? She stood up and walked into the bedroom.
Nothin. Whats yours? Mike packed the
camera into its case and continued to ponder what he
would tell Chuck. He walked to the bedroom, pausing before the door, reflecting what Robin might be
doing. He tried to take into account the fact that she
was an android, but with everything that happened,
it still seemed impossible.
I always did like a girl who was straightforward. He smiled at the poor taste of his comment.
Excuse me?
Mike entered the room to see Robin hooked
up to the computer system via a thin clear cord leading into the comm-socket from her ear. Suddenly he
found it not so hard to think of her as an android.

63

What are you doing to Cindy?

Talking, she smiled. You have everything
locked up real tight. No access to private files.
Mike felt relieved. For a moment he debated
inwardly between snapping her cord or just yanking
it out of her ear. The thought made him grin.
Cindy, give Robin all the information you
have on the Nissithiu.
It is done, Michael.
Robin unplugged and the thin cord automatically retracted into her head. Mike felt generous, as
if he had a choice in the matter.
Robin stared at him for a moment before
speaking. What makes you so sure?
Mike shrugged, The facts fit. Cmon, lets go
see Linden.

The subway to Greenflower was slower than most

since it traveled above the surface for much of the
ride. Mike imagined that its architect preferred
monorails with their visual entertainment of clearings, cropland, and rolling hills speeding quickly by
the windows to the functional subways which moved a
person tens of kilometers in a matter of a few minutes
without anything to look at except bare earth along
the way. True, the subway to Greenflower was more
pleasant than most, but it wasnt really a subway.
Robin didnt seem particularly impressed,
however. She kept studying Mike and the other passengers, and when she caught Mike watching she even
faked a yawn. It didnt bother Mike, but he didnt
like it either. If she was going to fake a human characteristic, better that she should fake being delighted
to see the trees dashing by or the rushing sound the
wind made whenever the tracks would turn. That
was what he liked so much about Niki. She was always so happy just to experience and be alive. That
was what he envied most about her ever since the day
he met her at the Psi Institute on Tizar after his last
return from Calanna. He liked her so much he didnt
even bother checking
out the full range of her talents, and when he
had found out how limited they were, Mike still decided to keep her on.
Niki was not nearly as talented as her predecessor in the picture, but she was happier all the
same, though even that could become irritating sometimes. Robin on the other hand was either dead or
cruel. Mike smiled at the thought, because he knew
he was being too judgmental, but it seemed true all
the same. Robin had her excuse, however; she was
an android. Her makers wouldnt program her so she
could have a good time. Anything as state of the

art as herself would have some purpose. Mike, on

the other hand, was human. He wondered what his
excuse might be.
The train pulled into the Greenflower station.
The Lions Den was only on the neighboring hillside
looking down over a bluff onto the inland town. It was
perhaps a twenty minute walk, fifteen if they hurried,
two or three if they took a taxi. Mike felt like walking
but realized he wouldnt have a choice as two men in
green uniforms entered the compartment.
Galactican security, one drily announced,
Please come with us.

Every MegaCorporation was like a nation state; they

all had their own private police, whether the company
specialized in cargo transport, starship construction,
agricultural production, or news gathering and dissemination. The Galactican was no exception, and
on every world under its scope it recruited from the
ranks of the planetary ground command. The people
they invariably got were low quality mercenaries who
couldnt cut it in an interstellar outfit. That knowledge kept the ground cop humble in comparison with
his starlaw counterpart. It was a quality Mike appreciated.
The two security officers led Mike and Robin
to a grav-car outside the subway. The cool evening
air enveloped them as the taller of the men fiddled
with the electronic keypad-lock. The other rested his
hand on his holster, his rough fingers lightly touching
the handle of his automatic, while his eyes stared at
the back of Robins neck. The gun looked like army
ordinance. Mike guessed that the short clip contained
armor piercing bullets.
Once inside the car, they sped up the hillside
toward the Lions Den. With variable altitude control, the ride was non- stop; and cars on cross-aisles
sped above or below at intersections. Within two
minutes they had settled outside the banquet hall,
the tall statue pillars of the building suggested a certain elegance of manner which Mike knew would be
lacking within. The tall officer motioned for Mike to
follow as he withdrew from the car toward the white
stone building.
Mike looked over his shoulder as the shorter
guard stood blocking the door, What about her?
She stays here, the tall one answered.
Mike followed the security officer into the
building, noticing familiar faces smiling and nodding
in every direction. Linden sat at the front table
flanked by the departmental heads. Mike approached
cautiously, catching Lindens eye as he walked toward
the table.

64

Mike! It was Niki. Bill stood behind her,

his long dark hair combed back and knotted. Several
heads turned suddenly from the crowd.
We thought you might not. . .
I know, He cut her short. What did you
tell Chuck?
Everything, Bill responded first. When
you didnt come back. . . what happened?
Mike scowled, Things are screwed up. Ive
gotta see Chuck.
Mike cut through the crowd toward the editor.
Linden wore a blue suit and a confident smile. He
stood up as Mike reached the table, and several of
the department heads followed the editors example,
offering their hands to Mike as the guard took an
unobtrusive position in the background.
Gentlemen, you know Mr. Harrison.
Good to see you again young man, youre doing a great job for the paper.
I hear you will be speaking tonight, Mr. Harrison. That was a brilliant piece on Telmar.
Mike shook their hands and exchanged pleasantries before pulling Linden aside.
Chuck, we have to talk
Linden kept smiling, You bet.
Now.
Once they were outside, Linden dropped his
show smile, Okay, what happened.
Mike let out a long breath, taking his hat off
as an opener. Linden blinked with astonishment at
the shaven head and short metal barbs.
What the. . . you okay?
For starters, Ive got to wear these until I get
away from our psychotic, android friend. Clay wants
me to take Robin to Calanna to find Fork, and I dont
think hes an Imp.
Hes not, Linden stopped staring when the
hat went back on. We checked over that disk you
stole from the Solomon estate. The one you planted
on Niki for us to find.
Mike nodded, Anything juicy?
It seems a lot of people were visiting Mr.
Solomon that day. Many are listed as tourists.
Others as diplomats. We think they may be spies.
Azazi?
Draconian Corporation. You stumbled onto
something very big.
Mike tried to puzzle everything together in his
head, but none of the pieces matched.
Have you informed the government.
Linden shook his head, And blow the story?
No way.
Mike gulped down wondering how long he
could go to prison for concealing information about

Draconian spies. He finally looked up, What do I

do?
Take her to Calanna. Get into her programming over there.
We can do that better over here.
No, Linden stared into the reporters eyes.
Mike, weve already agreed that somebody had to
get into my office and home to plant those bugs, and
that somebody was probably in security. If they have
and agent in security, they could just as easily have
ten in technical. Get the job done on Calanna. Itll
be more quiet that way.
Mike looked down to the grassy turf below his
feet, Okay. Get me a ship and Im off.

Thank you, Mr. Chairman, for that more than generous introduction. It is certainly a pleasure to be
here, and to speak to such a distinguished assemblage
of colleagues, employers, and guests.
There was a titter from the audience as
Michael Harrison surveyed the banquet hall. There
were easily over a hundred people present and none
who knew what he was about to say, himself included.
Mike tried to concentrate on what they wanted to
hear, but his head was still dizzy from the events of
the day, and he felt a cold sweat beneath the hat as
the metal implants began to itch.
As Mr. Jaden pointed out, Ive been working
for the Galactican for a very short time, and my work
experience often borders on the fantastic, so whatever
advice I have to share with my colleagues, whatever
incriminations I have to send to my employers, and
whatever insights I have to give to our guests tonight,
should all be taken with a granule of sodium-chloride.
Investigative gathering is a very individualistic effort; everybody in the business has their own
style and way of tackling a case, so be forewarned that
what works fine for me will probably fail miserably
for you.
This time there was laughter from the audience. Mike began to relax and let the words flow.
His trick was just to keep speaking and never really
think about what he was saying. As long as his mouth
kept moving, shoveling out the meaningless phrases
stuck together with the pointless glue that was public
speaking, hed be though his obligation in no time.
But underneath the cool exterior his mind began to wander away from the speech. Being an engaged speaker was what they taught in oral communications. He remembered the class well enough.
He remembered two of his instructors pet phrases:
Reach out to your audience; speak with them, not
at them. Mike inwardly smiled remembering how he

65

had passed the class: by being disengaged. Speaking

was frightening enough, let alone engaged speaking.
Mike always had an alternate method, for almost everything. He liked to experiment until he found out
for himself what worked best.
The same was true with investigative reporting. Some guys would read the morning updates until
they found something interesting, and then theyd go
and research a spin-off. Others would carry a team of
news-hounds, usually young people just entering the
workforce who were looking for a few extra credits.
Mike decided to rent-a-psyche.
He could have found John Doe #17 any of the
other ways, but the fact was that Niki found him the
day she visited the med-center for a psi-rating test.
She had contacted the institute on Tizar and they
referred her to Dr. Albertus. After the test she was
still keyed-up and open to psi-emissions as they were
called. That was the day they brought Fork into Dward.
D was for Disaster. He had been apprehended in a cafeteria at the starport with a bloody
fork in his hand. It was the real kind, not like the
grav-utensils which couldnt hurt a flee. He must
have been from off-world. There was no record of
him anywhere in the planetary directory. And to top
it off, he had no identification what-so-ever. Niki just
happened to sense his total confusion while walking
by the two nurses who were transporting a whacko
to solitary, bound in a straight-jacket and tied to
a stretcher. It had been in the updates, any nurse
news- hound could have called somebody on the floor,
but as it happened, Niki spotted the opportunity
and took it. Thats the way the dice fell, and Mike
couldnt say he was any happier for it.
Fork was messed up, that anyone could tell,
but what nobody had known was that the damage
had been the result of a mind- scanner. It took a
trained psyche to know that. Even sophisticated
medical equipment could miss it. It was that little
bit of knowledge which everyone else had carelessly
avoided that gave Mike a story. To each, his own.
The mind-scanner was an expensive piece of
technology far more advanced than the sensitizer
Mike had so recently experienced. It attempted to do
what any well-trained Siri could do, read the mind of
its victim. Victim was the word to use, because mental damage was often associated with over-zealous use
of the equipment. If someone was well trained at hiding a secret inside their mind, all that there was to do
was kill a few brain cells until such training departed.
And then, sometimes, the scanner wasnt used to get
secrets. On rare occasions, it was used to maim. Mike
believed that Forks was such a case; and he believed
66

that the Imps were the responsible party.

But how did the Draconians enter into it?
That was the piece of the puzzle Mike couldnt place.
It hinted at something much larger in scope, something which dwarfed both Mike and Fork and all
of Tizar. It was the real itch that he couldnt yet
scratch, until he got to Calanna.
Being a reporter for an interstellar news syndicate also has certain fringe benefits, not entirely
immaterial. For starters, nobody wants to piss you
off.
Mike looked around. Everywhere he saw people laughing. He hoped they were laughing with him
and not at his obvious lies.
Another, and this one is just as critical as it
sounds, is that often if there is an important public
figure you need to interview, that person will generally take time out of their busy schedule to get some
good press, whereas if you were working for some twobit firm out of Arcadia. . . he stopped for a wide if
sheepish grin, I hope theres nobody here from Arcadia tonight. . . The audience was loving it.
Except for one person. She sat in a corner
near the back. Her dark features were not so stern as
they were indifferent, but her eyes were as sharp and
cold as steel. She seemed vaguely unimpressed, and
Mike felt his heart skip a beat as she stared directly
through him.
The last fringe benefit I can bring to mind,
tonight, is that after the story is written and published and read by the masses, the reporter gets to
speak to a distinguished assemblage of his colleagues,
employers, and guests. Thats always a lot of fun.
The entire audience tilted on the edges of their
seats, hands poised in clapping-position.
And with that Id like to return control of
this honors banquet to one of my most esteemed employers, your friend and mine, Mr. Ray Jaden. Mr.
Chairman.
Mike hurried away from the lectern amidst
raucous applause from a mostly standing audience,
and took his seat next to Niki and Bill. They both
congratulated him with pats on the back, and Mike
guessed that the speech went okay, though he still
hadnt the faintest inkling to know what is was that
he said.
Nice speech buddy.
Thanks Bill.
. . . cept, next time Id leave out that part
about taking a dump outside the Cubbyhole.
Mike turned around, What?
You member. When we came back from Telmar and got. . .

I didnt. Mike felt his mouth drop open.

Bills face broke into a grin, Just kidding, Mike.
Mike sighed with relief as Walker laughed,
You have to admit, I had you goin.
Bill Walker was one of the few people who really knew how Mike worked. Mike tried to teach him
everything, and in the end hed taught Bill too much.
Now hed do his best just to hide things from the
younger gatherer.
Mike looked over his shoulder and saw the
woman in the corner. She was still focused on him.
He turned around but could feel her stare boring into
the back of his skull. Her face was familiar, but he
couldnt place it. Some foreign official, he decided.
Bill, whos the woman in that corner in the white
dress, nothing over the shoulders. She keeps looking
over here.
Bill took a half turn using the full extent of
his peripheral vision, which was far better than most
peoples. Mike figured that he had lots of practice.
Shes turned around.
Well, she was. . .
Wait. Its Draconian Ambassador Kato.
Dont you read the paper? Oh, of course. Look who
Im talking to. Forget I asked.
Dont let it happen again, Mike used his best
Draconian accent. It sounded absurdly frustrated,
and Bill laughed.
I think she likes you.
Shut-up.
Natasia Uhambra Kato was the permanent
Draconian envoy to Tizar. It was uncommon for her
to attend social gatherings unless she was required to
do so by her office. Mike figured that drastic circumstances had called for drastic measures. But what
did she hope to accomplish?
Here comes the booty, mate. Bill looked
pleased with himself as Jaden placed a tray of wall
plaques on the table beside the lectern. He had a list
of winners in his left hand and a glass of water in
his right.
This could take awhile.
Bill smiled back, Should we pick up the yawn
patrol.
But that would be rude, Mike countered as
he began his first glorious yawn of the evening. Bill
attended with volumous seconds.
Our first award goes to one of our speakers
tonight, a gatherer who has done a splendid job for
the Galactican, and a close personal friend of mine.
I wish he hadnt said that, Bill slowly began
to struggle up from his seat.
Mike placed a hand on his shoulder, Sit
down.

This gentleman has preserved the sacred

trust our paper holds with the public, that of reporting the truth as it is, without reservation and without
dramatization.
At least we know it cant be you.
Shusshhh. . .
He headed the best-selling issue of the Galactican this year with his front page article headlined,
Telmar Prepares For Civil War which I might add,
was quite accurate if we are to have any faith in the
current news.
His articles and essays are insightful and are
a fine example of the very best in journalism. With
that, it gives me great pleasure and pride to award
this plaque to Michael J. Harrison, for his contributions to the Galactican.
As Mike accepted the award there were resounding cries for another speech, all of which died
down as he resumed his seat. It took an act of will
to not sneak a glance toward the corner of the hall.
There was something different about her.
I hope youre not reading me.
Niki turned, startled, Somethin the matter?
Ill tell you about it later.
The plaque wasnt especially impressive. Mike
wondered if they imported the silver ore from Telmar.
Jaden continued to hand out various other plaques
to various other people for various other accomplishments while company photographers stood around
snapping images.
I wish I had one, Bill interrupted Mikes
thoughts with his most sullen voice. He looked like a
four-year-old who lost his lollipop.
Mike stuffed the plaque in Bills jacket pocket.
Hey. . .
You can change the name.
Bill laughed, Hey, thanks dude.
Anytime.
As the tray grew empty, Mike noticed that he
and Bill werent the only ones yawning. However,
nobody had the guts to make for the door. Mike
knew that the first person to break open the doors
and leave would cause a tidal wave of people to follow,
but nobody dared start the congestion.
Finally, Jaden congratulated the readership,
everyone who came, and everyone who didnt get an
award but thought they deserved one all the same.
With the final laugh, he declared the ceremony complete and adjourned the congregation. The rabble,
anticipating the clap of the gavel, were already on
their feet with more raucous applause, but this time
with constipated steps as they tried to squirm outside and perform their relative duties to nature. Mike
laughed remembering the Cubbyhole.

67

Are we having fun yet?

Mike gave Niki a hug, Were about to.
Michael. . .
Linden approached from behind Niki, I got
that ship.
Mike looked over her shoulder, How soon?
Its at the starport in pre-flight. Hanger 183.
Accommodations?
Four.
Okay, thanks Chuck.
Niki tugged Mikes arm, Whats goin on?
Get your stuff packed, you too Bill, were going to Calanna.
Now?
Yeah.
Bill headed toward the doors muttering something about his mother. Niki followed, and then suddenly turned.
What about you?
Ive got everything I need.
She turned and ran out after Bill. Mike,
Linden turned back to face the reporter. The multitudes were still bumping their way outside amidst
the congestion at the Halls entrance.
What is it, Chuck?
The editors hands were wrung into a knot
as he tried to lean casually against the lectern. He
smiled his real smile for the first time in the night.
Nothing. . . Good luck.
Mike nodded, Thanks.
Outside the air was cold, not at all like the
balmy summer nights on most of Calanna. Mike saw
the dark figures recede into the distance, climbing
into their chauffeured limousines, a sign of their decadent elegance. The security officer stood beside the
company gravcar. He was looking for Mike amidst
the approaching crowd. Mike guessed that Robin was
still tucked away inside. It would have been a long
wait for a human.
Mr. Harrison.
Mike swung around abruptly, barely catching
his head in time to keep the hat from falling off.
The Ambassador smiled and tried unsuccessfully to stifle a giggle, Im sorry if I surprised you.
My name is Natasia.
I know. He reached out his hand to shake
hers. He wondered if there was some other sort of
protocol.
But my friends call me Nuke. Dont worry,
she withdrew her hand abruptly, you dont have to
kiss it or anything. Im not Imperial royalty.
Her long dark hair shined in the moonlight.
She was a tall as him, but very slim. She suppressed

another giggle rather poorly and her face glittered

with amusement, but her eyes told a different story.
Can I help you Ambassador?
No. She waited for her reply to sink as she
smiled seductively, I wanted to commend you on a
brilliant speech.
Mike wondered if she was being sarcastic or
giddy.
Thank you.
You are welcome.
Her eyes glimmered with icy bemusement as
the reply sank deeper into his mind. Something
within them toyed about an idea, as if she were sifting
though his memories for an occasional. . . stolen disk.
What do you want? You want to know something.
She studied him for a moment, I already have
what I want. Youve told me everything.
Mike clenched his fist, knowing hed given
away his thoughts.
She put her hands on his shoulders and rubbed
her thumbs into the fabric of his collar while staring
into his eyes with a message of sympathy.
Yes, you have. Now I want you to have a safe
and happy trip. And be sure to find Mr. Fork. Hes
very, very important.

68

Journalism is organized gossip.

E. Eggleston

When Computers Dream

c
1991
Josh Finney

Josh originally worked up this story as a plot for his

gothrock music. Silvers voice was purely businesscyberpunk campaign. Since many of the events are like.
based on PC-interaction, his cast and crew deserve
Ive got a run, it seems pretty big. I want you
acknowledgement.
and our usual associates to accompany me on the run.
Tell them if theyre interested to meet me at Cardozas Gourmet tomorrow night at eight o clock. Ill
Cast
talk about terms of payment if they want to come
Characters
Players
along. Make sure they know that a large sum of
Bloodlust
Josh Burman
money will be involved. Ill mail you the address
Silver
Tim Riley
right now. Ill give everyone further details on what
Whizzard
Kevin Wilson
its all about at the restaurant.
Overdrive Matt Zeilenga
No problem, see you there. The screen
Arther sat alone in the dark bedroom of his apart- clicked off. Below the screen, an LCD screen which
ment. The slow, smooth, tranquil, but depressing was displaying the call-time cleared itself. Then the
sound of gothrock flowed from the speakers of his words: mail being received appeared.
Okay, bring the mail to visual. The address
stereo. He sat staring out the window through the
miniblinds, staring at the headlights of the aerocars of the restaurant appeared on the large screen that
as they passed by the window of his dwelling on the just previously was displaying Silver. Print current
84th floor. There was a slight drizzle of rain and small mail in memory three times. Then a printer below
drops of water streaked down the window. The room the screen printed out the address three times on sephad white walls, but appeared to be gray with the re- arate pieces of fan-fold paper. He left the printouts
stricted amount of light coming through the opening hanging from the printer. Arther set the house comin the door. He sat in a swivel chair in front of a com- puter to wake him up at 10:00 pm and then went to
puter which was bolted to a gray metal desk. Next to sleep. It would give him two hours of rest before hitthe computer were three laser disc drives and a hard ting the night clubs to hang out and get the latest
disk. On the right was a large window that stretched info about the illegal operations of the megacorpofrom one wall to another. The room itself was about rations. This was important to Arther, for he was
the size of a normal master bedroom. Arther had a runner. When a megacorporation wanted someblack hair that was uncombed and the bangs hung thing illegal done, such as data theft and sabotage,
in his face. He was wearing a plain white shirt with but didnt want to risk anything getting traced back
to them, they hired runners. With the shadowy wars
some sweat pants.
The visiphone rang. Voice mode on, he of the corporate states always raging, runners were
said and the visiphone automatically answered itself. in high demand. Arthers occupation as a runner
Arther turned the stereos volume down with the re- was a decker. He would interface his mind directly
mote control. He turned the swivel chair left and into computer systems through a device called a cydirected his attention towards the phone in the wall. berdeck.
Hello, he said faintly. On a thirty centimeter
A cyberdeck looked like a normal computer
screen a mans face appeared. He had tanned skin keyboard, except that it was slightly larger. The
and bright blond hair cut into somewhat of a flat deck had hook-ups for two thin fiber optic cords. One
top. His eyes were blue, and from what could be seen cord was a normal phone cord which connected with
of his upper torso he was wearing a white business a phone jack for the decks internal modem. The secsuit.
ond cord was for connecting to a neural interface jack
Hello Neuro, this is Silver, the man said. He implanted into the skull of a decker, in this instance
was calling Arther by his street name.
Arther. A neural interface input jack was exposed
Hi Silver. . . whats up? he asked. Arthers on the left or right temple. Arthers jack was on
voice had a dead tone, it matched the sound of the his right temple. The input jack connected to sev69

eral thin (about the a micron thin) fiber optic wires

spliced into the sight, hearing, touch, and motor centers of the brain. When a decker would plug into
the deck and enter the WC Net (World Communications Network), it would simulate the net as an actual
place. It allowed the decker to interact with computers as if the computers were individual realms. The
deck would essentially lie to the senses of the brain,
telling it false information. The decker would percept it all as if it were real. The connections to the
motor centers let the decker control the deck by pure
thought. One could move place to place in the net by
just walking there. This let all interactions with the
net and computer become physical. It was dubbed
cyberspace.
Cyberdecks originally were created to increase
the productivity of computers to their maximum potential. The concept was developed by a group effort of NASA, IBM, Fujitsu, Toshiba, and Hitachi.
It worked incredibly well, and then the military decided they wanted to take advantage of it. They
created attack programs which did things such as
crash computer systems or release deadly computer
viruses into them. Though the military developed
cyberspace combat, they never actually used it.
Corrupt megacorporations used it. . . on each other.
Especially AT&T and MCI, they were the first. Once
the public knew of cyberspace combat, it wasnt too
long before hackers were creating their own attack
programs. A new type of hacker was born, the decker.
Within weeks after the public learned of cyberspace
combat, deckers were purposely breaking into corporate data bases looking for attack programs to
copy. Once hackers knew how attack programs were
written, they could write their own. Even though
home made attack programs werent too effective, the
stolen corporate ones were. Attack programs were a
very hot item on the black market. Then ICE was
created.
ICE is an acronym for Intrusion Countermeasure Electronics. These were very complex programs
to keep deckers and rival company computer experts
out of corporation computers. Most ICE programs
would dump unwanted users from the system, or at
least deny them access. But as always, there were
ways to counteract the ICE. Then the megacorporation NEC created Killer ICE. Killer ICE worked
similar to normal ICE programs, but instead of just
denying access or dumping a decker from the system, it would start sending high voltage surges back
through the phone line and into the deckers head.
This would often kill deckers by either causing sever
brain damage or a cardiac arrest.
Arther woke to the digital beeping sound com-

ing from the speakers on the visiphone. It wasnt

a ring from someone calling him, it was the wake
up alarm he had set. The house computer worked
through the phone so the phone speakers were used
for this. When he opened his eyes the computers
digital voice was automatically activated. Good
evening, the time is exactly 10:00:32 PM, the voice
was feminine, the sound was blunt and monotone.
Today is Wednesday, January 3, 2052. Reminders:
Tomorrow you will be twenty four years of age
and. . . it was interrupted.
I am well aware of that. . . Skip it! he ordered
the computer. Even though Arther knew the computer was not capable of thought and he was hearing
a set recording, he still responded to it as if it could
understand him.
The computer continued, You received two
phone calls and no mail while you were asleep. Your
rent is late by four days now, it ended its message.
Arther considered reprogramming the wake-up informant program to only go off once a day when he first
woke up instead of every time he woke up. The basic idea behind it was to inform you of anything you
might of forgotten while sleeping, but it was getting
really annoying.
He got out of bed and turned on the stereo.
Out came the sounds of more gothrock. It was time
for Arther to join the night life. Arther put on some
black slacks and a white button-up shirt. He then
went into the bathroom and put his hair in its usual
style,a Smith, where the hair was done in hundreds
of little spikes going in several directions. It got its
name from a gothrock musician who was around in
the 80s and 90s who created the hair style. After
Arther finished with his hair, he put on his black
trench coat, loaded his pistol, grabbed his cyberdeck,
and headed for the door. He tore the three printouts
from the phone, folded them up and placed them in
his pocket. Then he rode the elevator to the 100th
story of the building, where the aerocar parking area
was located. The building he lived in had a roof
car park for aero cars and underground parking for
ground cars. He had to drive the car up three levels
of the parking area until it came to the roof. Then
the aerocar slowly lifted itself up. The hover engines
emitted a faint roar similar to a 747 leaving the runway, just not as loud. It rose about twenty meters up
and then the rear minijets kicked in. The car sped
quickly around the looming buildings. They were
huge dark masses with the conflicting color of white
and yellow light leaking from the windows. Small
clouds streamed past as the vehicle moved though
them. The sky lacked stars or a moon, it was cloaked
by large, dark, gray, rain clouds. It had been raining

70

on and off since December.

After ten minutes of driving, the aerocar
reached its destination, descending into Hollywood.
Arther landed the car by the side of the road in
a residential area that was two blocks away from
Melrose Avenue. He hid his cyberdeck under the
seat of the car. After setting the electronic lock,
he headed up the street. When he reached Melrose Avenue, the amount of light around him increased greatly. All the shops and clothing stores
on the street had bright lights emitting from the display windows. Large amounts of people were walking
up and down the street, a large crowd was gathered
around the out door seating of a contempo pop-music
restaurant. This was a place where many people just
came to hang out. The entire street was composed of
pop-culture shops, clothing stores, night clubs, and
restaurants. As for the people on Melrose Avenue,
many were wearing clothes of the latest style or fashion trend, and others were making a new fashion
statement of their own. The only way to actually
stand out on Melrose was to dress ordinary.
Arther was here to go to a night club, it was
next to a Revlon Five-Hour Cosmetic Surgery Clinic.
They were small clinics that promised beauty in only
five hours through means of modern medical technology. Arther never really saw the point in having a surgeon screw with your face just because you
wanted to look like something you werent, though he
did have cosmetic surgery done to remove scars from
surgery involving the implantation of his neural interface jack. But Arther knew that the Revlon clinic
here made lots money by selling and implanting illegal cyberwear, things such as retractable claws and
thought-activated pistols inside the arm and hand. A
few of the surgeons at the clinic had some underworld
contacts and did the operations behind the managements back. He never bought illegal cyberwear; he
didnt want it. Most of it was used for killing, and
that was not his occupation. Further, it had to be
implanted by surgeons who would do it illegally, and
that meant taking a risk. The street slang for a surgeon who installed cyberwear illegally was butcher,
and most were. Many worked out of private, bodyenhancement clinics and other small private medical
clinics usually located in the bad parts of town. But
the Revlon clinic on Melrows was well know for safe
implantation of illegal cyberwear. After all, it was
bad business to maim ones customers.
Arther entered the night club, which was
called Post Modern. It was a new wave club and a lot
of new wave types were hanging out there. Most of
the people had hair styles that were mildly spiked and
some were even dyed in abnormally bright or unnat71

ural colors. Almost everybodys clothing was bright

and they all seemed in a festive mood. New wave music boomed inside the club and the dance floor was
crowded.
Arther walked to a table where a young man
with bright, spiked, orange/blond hair and a blonde
woman were sitting. They seem to be enjoying themselves. The young man looked somewhat muscular
and was wearing a white shirt that said:

ExPlodInG HeDz
my fist, your face
It was the name of a current punk band. He
also had black jeans on. Next to him sat a young
woman with long blonde hair and blue eyes. She
wore a black miniskirt and an open, fluorescent-green,
button-up shirt. Underneath the button-up was a
black, low-cut shirt that was tucked in. Neuro sat at
the table.
Hello Overdrive, hello Diane, he said.
Heya Neuro, whats up? Overdrive said contentedly, taking a sip of beer.
Hi Neuro, Diane said greeting him.
Not much, he replied, I spent most of the
day working on this cyberspace chess program that
has some really hi-res graphics. Thats about all.
Yeah, well I went to Music+Plus the other
day and got up the new ROM cartridge of the Ultra
Violets, its pretty good, Overdrive said.
Did you hear that theyre having a concert
at the Palladium? asked Arther.
Diane broke in,Actually, John already bought
tickets for us already, should be a pretty good show.
Diane was a big fan of techno-pop.
Yeah, I got the tickets last week, Overdrive
said. Overdrives real name was John, but Arther
was so used to calling him Overdrive he never called
him by his actual name. So Neuro, are you just
hanging out tonight? Overdrive said leaning back in
his chair.
Well sorta, Im also here for other reasons.
Like what?
Business.
Business as in running, right? Verdad?
Overdrive had used the Spanish word verdad even
though he was in no way Latin. The word verdad
had become a very popular word used in street slang.
Yeah, verdad.
Well whats the news?
Well Ive got some good news and some bad
news, Neuro told them. His voice was no longer a
dead tone, it was more of a going with-the-flow type
attitude he held right now.

Okay, Overdrive said. Diane nodded to acknowledge her noticing.

The good news is that I found out about a
run we can do, it could mean a large monetary gain
for all of us. He continued, The bad news is Silver is
the one who wants to hire us. He needs some runners
to assist him.
Shit, why Silver? Well how much are we being paid for the run? questioned Overdrive. Neither
Overdrive or Diane seemed too happy to hear the
name Silver.
Dunno. . . Silver didnt tell me.
Diane broke into the conversation, Figures.
Well who exactly is coming on this operation?
So far its Silver, hopefully you and Overdrive, and me. Im going down to The Razors Edge
to look for Bloodlust later tonight. Hell definitely
want to come.
And he gave no details at all on what well be
doing? Dianes voice was very business like. She was
the one who would usually work out payment and financial details with whomever was hiring them. She
knew the ways of the corporations well, as her former job was as a secretary in the marketing and sales
division at Hitachi. Diane was very good at dealing
with pushy businessmen. She took up running after she got laid off and could not get another job. It
was all because of some virus that had entered several corporate mainframes and caused them to crash.
Many people in lower level positions had to be let go.
This had happened about two years ago, but Diane
decided to stay in her current occupation instead of
looking for another secretarial job.
We are to meet him at a restaurant called
Cardozas Gourmet tomorrow night at 7:00. Neuro
pulled one of the printouts of the mail out of his
pocket, Heres the address.
Diane took the printout, Ill be there. We
gotta get some things straight with Silver if he wants
our assistance on this run.
The guys a stiff. He thinks he can run everything, complained Overdrive.
Okay. . . well Im going to The Razors Edge,
see if I can find Bloodlust. Well more than likely
need the walking arsenal to come with us. So like see
you later.
Well see you tomorrow night, Neuro.
Yeah, see ya Neuro, said Overdrive as he
drank the last of his beer. As Arther left, Overdrive
directed his attention towards Diane saying, So are
you ready for a fourth round of drinks?
The Razors Edge was a heavy metal bar located in the far north-eastern sector of Los Angeles;
it was in one of the newer slums which came into ex-

istence around 2013. The area had been built as a

new residential area during the reconstruction of Los
Angeles after the 7.9 earthquake of 2011. It was composed of new buildings, unlike East LA, but it was
still a crude, run-down mesh of the normal high-tech
and cheaply built housing, stores, etc. To the west
and south-west the ultra-rise buildings of central LA
could be seen clearly though the thin layers of smog.
Arther set his car to ground mode after landing it and drove it into a parking lot behind the bar.
After parking the car he opened the glove compartment pulling out a gleaming silverish auto-pistol, a
Colt Asp .40 clip pistol to be more precise. He carefully slipped it into his right, trench coat pocket. It
was for protection when in the bad parts of the city.
Actually, he had never fired it at a living being and
didnt plan to do so. Personally Arther felt he could
never really use it; he couldnt kill. He even refused
to carry programs which did lethal damage to other
users in cyberspace.
Arther entered the Razors Edge just as it
started to rain. Inside the bar, loud heavy metal
music was pumping from the speakers at an unbelievable volume. Most of the people looked like a
cross between marines and heavy metalers. Most had
long hair, black shirts (usually displaying their favorite bands name), camouflage pants, and a leather
or camouflage jacket. It was a style formed from the
music called Militaristic Metal (also called War Metal
and Battle Rock). War Metal had a sound that was
quite unique. It was very intense heavy metal music mixed with lyrics about war, in the background,
sounds of gun fire and explosions were played as sort
of a tempo. The walls were covered with spray paint,
and there were at least a dozen bullet holes on each
one. Arther put his hands in the pockets of his trench
coat, his right hand clenching the pistol. He didnt
feel safe here, mainly cause people around here didnt
take well to people who didnt fit in. Arther didnt
fit in.
He noticed there was a small brawl in the back
of the bar. It was his friend Bloodlust duking it out
with three other men. They seemed to be fighting
over a slight disagreement about who was going to
pick-up the tab for their drinks. Bloodlust seemed
to be enjoying himself. Arther just sat at one of the
dilapidated wood tables in the bar. Bloodlust had
long black hair that was all combed straight back.
Just by looking at him you could tell he worked out;
he purposely wore muscle shirts to show it off. At the
moment he was wearing a muscle shirt, camouflaged
pants, and black combat boots. On his right arm
he had the tattoo of a snake coiled around a broad
sword.

72

Arther felt a hand grab the back of his head

and slam his face into the table in front of him. The
hand then yanked his head back up from the hair and
let go. Arther quickly turned around in the chair.
A person he had never seen before in his life was
standing behind him. He was wearing a dull-green,
military field jacket and ripped-up, black jeans. He
had long, blond hair and needed a shave.
What the hell are you doing in here, damn
wire-head! You know we dont want freaks like you
coming around here!
Arther looked at him for a few seconds saying
nothing, he considered pulling the pistol, but decided
not to; he would have to shoot him. In a place like
this you couldnt threaten with a gun. . . you either
used it or got blown away before you said a word.
Not only that, but this guy was probably carrying a
weapon that could rip right through the light kevlar
lining inside his trench coat. Finally, he just yelled in
a staggered voice, Whats hells your problem!?!
Im tired of seeing you faggot deckers in the
business, and I dont want you around here! Thats
what the problem is!
Just leave me alone, okay? Arther noticed
that his shades had been cracked during their recent
contact with the table.
No! Youre gonna leave now! But first youre
gonna pull out your credstick and empty all the creds
into my stick! Comprendo? The man screamed and
grabbed Neuro by the front of his shirt.
Arther fished around in his trench coat pocket,
trying to decide whether to pull his credstick out or
the pistol. He had 45 creds on the stick. But, at the
moment, 45 creds to avoid potentially fatal gunplay
seemed worth the money. But before Arther could
pull anything out, a huge fist smashed into his assailants face. The man hit the floor and laid there
face-down without moving. Arther quickly looked up
to see who had punched the man. Bloodlust stood
there rubbing the knuckles on his right hand
Fuckers got a damn hard face, he said.
Finally, the man groaned and slowly pushed
up onto his hands and knees. Blood was pouring
from a huge gash in his mouth. He made a disgusting gurgling sound and then spit out a broken tooth.
Bloodlust then kicked the man, planting one of his
durasteel-toed combat boot into the mans ribs.
Listen, asshole, you leave my friend here
alone or youre really gonna piss me off! Bloodlust
thrust his right fist inches from the mans face. Suddenly three, five-inch, razor-sharp, steel-alloy claws
sprung out from the back of his hand. The claw above
his index finger grazed the bridge of the mans nose,
eliciting a slight red trickle. Now get out of here
73

before I rip your face off! Bloodlust smiled and then

turned toward Arther, So what are you don down
here?
Lets sit down and Ill tell you, Arther said
in a frustrated voice as he took off his broken sunglasses and set them on the table. A chip fell off one
of the plexiglass lenses.
Do you want a drink? This place serves real
beer. Bloodlust retracted his claws back inside his
arm.
Nahh, he took a deep breath and let it out
slowly, Ill just take a Coke.
This place doesnt serve Coke.
Oh.
Well, whyd you come here?
Silvers got a run for us, and hell probably
need a grunt for the mission.
Silver! Bloodlust shouted in discontent.
Did I say something wrong?
The guys a pussy! He yelled loudly. A few
people in the bar started looking at Bloodlust.
He said there would be a lot of money involved.
Well why didnt you say so! Silver. . . I can
put with Silver, Bloodlust said in a happy tone.
Bloodlust was a true mercenary, money was his top
priority, or as he would say: No fee is too big, no
matter what the job! Bloodlusts next question was:
Well how much money?
He didnt say. Said it was a lot though. Were
supposed to meet him at some fancy restaurant, and
hell give us further details.
Ill get Stelletto to come along.
Neuro handed Bloodlust one of the printouts
of the mail. Here is the address of the restaurant.
I can be there. No problem. You wanna go
get a Big Mac?
Ill pass, chemically flavored tofu doesnt
sound so great right now.

Just when you thought it was safe to admit

youre a human being. . .
Adam Smith
[email protected]
Questor
Vancouver, BC Canada

The Greyhawk Campaign

c
1990
Ed Zeamba

This

is the write-up of an AD&D v2 campaign in

which Ed participated. In his own words, I labored
to drag from what can loosely be termed as my memory the events of our first session, only to find that
good storytelling is the ability to dramatically recreate mundane events and to spruce-up the more
memorable moments. The following writing style, if
it may be honored by dubbing it thus, is not original by any stretch of the word. Many netters, Dan
Parsons, Jeff Stehman, and Charles Leone to name
a few, have influenced this work, and I hope that it
will not discredit them, but rather add another great
saga to FRPers worldwide. Alas, my first try at the
art of storytelling.

Chapter I
This is a log of the adventurers who the great god of
Dungeon Making (DM) brought together to save the
world of Oerth, but first they would have to gain experience in the greatest challenge yet to face mankind
(and womenkind): The Great Gygaxian Saga
Temple of Elemental Evil, Scourge of the Slave Lords,
Against the Giants, Descent into the Depths of the
Earth, Vault of the Drow, and ultimately Queen of
the Demonweb Pits.
The foolhardy few: Sniff, sniff. . . Yep, I smell PCs.
Nightshade
Tarreth Ebonshire
Luminar Lawman
Zardan Zelaznar

CY. 580, Coldeven Spring, day 1

As told by Tarreth of Highfolk. . .
While each of our own backgrounds have yet
remained unspoken, it is amazing (perhaps uncanny)
how we came together forming our little band, companions from the beginning, never a harsh word spoken, knowing somehow that our destinies were intertwined. . . so why role-play about it.
We traveled north on foot from the town of
Safeton. The weather turned cold and cloudy as we
approached the small hamlet of Restenford located
where the Selintan empties into the Woolly Bay. In
the late afternoon we were ambushed by nine orc
raiders led by a half-orc wielding a glowing longsword.
(This sight would soon become common so this will
probably be the last time I mention it. No. Im not
talking about the Orcs, but the magical sword!)
Round 1: Sleep, Color Spray, Command: Freeze.
Round 2: We made quick work of remaining fodder.
Party: (exclaims) Huh? Where is the challenge?
The Danger. The Risk. . . ?
Voice from the heavens: Perhaps all monsters
should have max hit points and innate spell abilities, magic resistance. . .
Party: (quickly) Whew! That was a close battle.
Yea, I guess we just got lucky. . . yea thats it, we
were just lucky.

human witch conjuress

elven mage/thief
human priest of Pholtus
half-elven priest
& ranger of Ehlonna

We ended our four day journey in Falcos Tavern.

Coldeven Spring, day 5

Year 1, month 1, day 1. No, no, no. Too drab.

WhatIt has
has gone before. . .
been over a millennium since the Great
Baklunish-Suloise Wars and the creation of the Sea
of Dust by the Invoked Devastation of the Rain of
Colorless Fire, nearly eight centuries since the founding of the Kingdom of Aerdy, and five hundred and
eighty years since the crowning of first Overking in
Rauxes.

The next morning Luminar and Zardan are

enjoying a late meal.
Zardan is one of those rugged types, who happens to have pointed ears. (this is Greyhawk, not
the Realms) Yes, hes a half-elf. He turns out to be a
woodsman and a priest of Ehlonna [of the forests]. He
seemed pretty gruff for one with elven blood. Must be
his human side. Its too bad hes unlucky. Hes been
missing easy kills too often. What a great warrior!

74

Luminar is a very outspoken priest of Pholand ignorant. As for His priestesses, they are untus [of the Blinding Light], always trying to get me
wavering in devotion to him. I will show you the
to convert. I swear I could be a character witness
light! (Luminar prepared to target a light spell
for the human, were he ever to need one. Mostly a
right between my hazel eyes; not an uncommon
goody-goody, but he seemed very cold-hearted about
occurrence.)
ridding the world of evil, as if he would feel no remorse for ending the lives of evil creatures. Thats Tarreth: I know what they are. Lou. (sly smile)
I mean no blasphemy. Okay? Lighten-up! No
something rarely seen in humans; most of them either
really. Ill enlighten you about the dark women
are altruistic fools or creatures with only themselves
of your dreams. (laughs again)
in mind. He seems to be an okay fellow, now if he
would just shut his vocal organs about Pholtus. . .
(Luminar fails save vs. bad pun and his spell
Luminar: Did you see the way the townspeople is disrupted)
were staring at Nightshade?
Tarreth: I am familiar with her type, dark and
Zardan: Yea, she does have nice. . .
mysterious. Im sure shes got secrets to hide,
if not already running from someone. Strange
Luminar: No! They look at her as if she were evil.
though that she didnt seem more at home in the
I do not think we should remain in town long.
forest, her kind usually are dancing around
boiling cauldrons and such at midnight. . .
Zardan: Well u heard them strange sounds from
her room last night didnt ya? It was like sheza
Zardan: You mean shes one odem twitty forest
topic of some argument. Strange voices talking
hags. and you didnt tell us? Why if we all
to her I heard. . .
wake-up in a stew-pot one morning, Ill kill ya,
well. . . I mean Id, Id. . . Damn Elf. Always so
Luminar: Perhaps we should ask Tarreth, now
carefree; Its foolish!
that he is awake. (beckons to Tarreth who is
busy flirting with some barmaids)
Tarreth: Shes not a twitty forest hag. Shes a
witch though. Wasnt it obvious? You see her
After whispering a private something into the
spellweaving? Not like anything Ive ever seen.
wenchs ear, (who abruptly squealed then giggled) I
You notice that she dont need material ingredishot her a last wink and left to seat myself at my
ents, or when she does, they are something recompanions table noting the look of disapproval on
ally strange? And then theres the way people
Luminars face.
are looking at her.
I Tarreth Ebonshire, your narrator, am but a
simple rogue. All I need is enough sleep for two men,
Zardan: No, no.
I noticed that.
Shes
wine for three, and enough women for four. I travel
just. . . (stops)
here and there, most recently amoung my fellow elves
in the land of Highfolk, living by a simple rule: AnyZardans reply was cut short by a sudden sithing that is not nailed down is mine, and anything
lencing of some of the taverns patrons who gasped
that I can pry loose is not nailed down.
and made superstitious wardings with their hands.
Down the stairs from the rooms above came a lady
Luminar: (hesitating) Tarreth, what do you know
dressed in black with a long flowing dark purple cape.
about Nightshade?
Her voluptuous form shifting beneath the ebony garTarreth: (laughs) Oh, I see you already have an ments moved swiftly and surely between two large
eye on our dark-mooded companion. Come on men at the foot of the steps. They may have meant
now, I hear the priestesses of Pholtus really light to accost her but one look, one glare from those emerald eyes suddenly turned afire, sent them tripping
up their mens nights.
over their feet to get out of her way. Nightshade has
(Zardan grins as Luminars solemn expression that effect on some men. No wonder they fear her.
She acted as if she had a restless night.
is replaced by shock and dismay)
Luminar: (in near-rage) Good Pholtus No! Need I Nightshade: I am ready to leave. she said firmly
remind you once again that I. . . We of the Blindsitting at our table. (Both Zardan and Luminar
ing Light seek only to illuminate the misguided
stare at her.)
75

Nightshade: Whats with you two? Didnt bed the

couple of sluts you were lusting for last night?

Nightshade: performs the mage guarding the

rear defense.

It was good to see Nightshade in her usual Skeleton #5: hacks at Luminar; barely misses.
mood, dark scowl and all. She is a Baklunish beauty
nearly five and a half feet tall, raven-black hair fram- Zombie #1: claws at Zardan, hits and blood flows
freely.
ing her coppery-bronze skin. A stark contrast to my
elven complexion, five feet of height and light colored Zombie #2: claws at Tarreth who parries the blow
hair.
and retrieves sword.
Zombie #3: claws at Zardan, misses.

Coldeven Spring, day 6

Zardan: drops 2-handed sword, draws short sword

and hits, drop zombie #1.

At noon the following day we investigated

some local rumors about a haunted, burnt-down
house. After an hour of searching we found a trap
door leading down to a series of tunnels, an old escape route no doubt.

Luminar: smashes last skeleton with a well aimed

blow.
Tarreth: slices and dices zombie #2, it falls.

Tarreth: What a horrid place!

dwarfs stinkhouse.

It smells like a
Nightshade: watches the battle.

Luminar: That is undead you smell, foul creatures

of evil.
Luminar says a prayer to Pholtus and causes
his holy symbol to glow. Sure enough, soon six skeletons and three zombies came scuffling to the attack.
Zardan: Back, foul perversions of nature. (turn
fails)
Luminar: Witness the Blinding Light!
Turn,
abominations of life! (four skeletons turn)
Tarreth: (twin longswords) Hack-hack [blade gets
stuck between ribs].
Nightshade: throws a chromatic orb and misses.
Skeleton #4: hacks at Tarreth who lets go of
sword, misses.
Skeleton #5: hack with sword at Luminar, misses.
Zombie #1: claws at Zardan who is protecting
Nightshade, misses.
Zombie #2: tries to squeeze into 10 corridor to get
at Tarreth.

The adventurers get the jump on the slow

zombie and slice it to ribbons.
Zardan healed himself, and the party moved
on. Over the next hour we met more undead that we
turned, and more, and more, turn-hack-turn-hacketc. We found some magic toys on the remains of
adventurers not as fortunate as us. Tired and nearly
out of healing magic, we were attacked by a hoard of
giant rats. Throughout the combat, Tarreth proved
to be the better warrior, although he is a mage/thief.
Zardan went down bleeding from many bites and
scratches. Tarreth nearly killed himself trying to disarm a poison gas trap. (Save or die at 1st level? Well
my die luck saved me, a popular trend.)
We cleared the place of giant rats and skeletons and were well rewarded by finding various
coinage. Utilizing our newest method of treasure
finding, casting detect magic and running through
the tunnels scanning carnage and dark corners alike,
we found a couple of potions, an amulet of save vs.
sleep, boots of elvenkind, and a brooch of shielding.
We would have never known what these items were
if a strange wind hadnt blown in a scroll entitled,
Eds Instant Identify. Of course, I first scribed it
into my spellbook.

Zombie #3: tries to squeeze into 10 corridor to get

at Zardan.

We knew this was a Gygaxian powergame,

we were powergamers, we were happy.

Tarreth: tries to smash skeleton with hilt of sword;

Crunch! drop #4.
Luminar: draws flail and bashes skeleton, misses.
Zardan: tries to pierce zombie with 2 handed sword;
misses badly.
76

Ed Zeamba

Chapter II
CY. 580, Coldeven Spring, day 6 in the evening
As told by Tarreth of Welkwood. . .
Nightshade: (to Zardan) You a Great Warrior?
Ha. You sure fooled me.

Luminars blank look is slowly replaced by a

growing smile that stops just as the dwarf turns to
stare at him.
Luminar: By the way, mule ummm. . . dwarf,
what is your name?
Dwarf: (puffing out chest) I be Sergeant Clink Barrelchest, of the Greyhawk Militia, at now workin
on travel duty with dis. . . female.

Zardan: Ah. de just got in a lucky blow, u know.

Besides, dem was fodder I just used my left hand
Elf: My name is Alliria and furface here is my priu know? Yeaaap, it dont hurt none.
vate, ah, well. . . pack mule. (tries to hide a smile)
No really, hes good with hammers and axes, you
Later that day we retired at The Tavern of the
know. . . dwarf stuff.
West Wind. What kind of elf is she?!? I remember
thinking upon seeing her dark skin and silvery hair
Zardan: (smiling) Sergeant Furface BarrelGut,
with blue eyes a unique but beautiful mix. At
huh?
first I thought she might be a drow but her skin was
a grey-brown, not ebony black. She was ordering Dwarf: growls Grrrrrrrr. . .
around a dwarf carrying supplies twice as high as his
head. She was also bitching about the heavy rains, Nightshade: glares at Zardan and turns to comfort the dwarf. Dont worry dear; those legends
which some of the suspicious town-folk had begun
about the great god of treasure-placing, Gygax,
to blame on us newcomers, Nightshade especially. I
are all true. Youll find more dwarven artifacts
at once determined that this elf would become the
than Ill have wands.
newest member of our party. She was now bitching
about the low quality of the tavern. I sat down at
The DM glares, wondering how the PCs could
her table.
possibly know whats in all TSR modules? Only DMs
Tarreth: I cant tell if the storm is worse in here, ever buy those things. . .
or outside.

Coldeven Spring, day 7

She shot me the most evil scowl I had ever
We bought horses the next morning and set
seen. Maybe she has some drow in her. (It was the
DMs idea: half high-elf / half drow elf = full elf with off on the road out of town. We were lucky to avoid
the occasional gnoll patrol, as they stayed upwind
a twist)
of the dwarf. Continuing on, we emerged from the
Dead Forest hours later, into a rainstorm. Bone Hill
Tarreth: A frown is so unbecoming of an elf.
stood before us, a monument to the typical-ruinedThe scowl lightened to the ferocity of a cor- tower-on-top-of-hill setting. The vegetation lessened
as we ascended the large knoll. Within 1000 feet of
nered lion.
the ruins we spotted a lone bugbear guard. He was
Tarreth: Perhaps a drink will loosen your tongue. easy to see as two arrows sprouted from his skull.
It appears that the female elf was an archeress from
My charm eventually won over her and within someplace called Beztuv DragunTree.
minutes she had agreed to join our party, she and the
We entered the ruins through a hole in the
dwarf. Oh well, you cant win them all.
southeast corner into a large courtyard. There was a
set of double doors to the front, but we walked to the
Dwarf: How duz me know that you aint be bring- gatehouse where we were prevented from entering by
ing me along as a pack mule?
a rusted iron door.
Tarreth: No really (smirk), anyone who serves an Alliria: Great! How are we going to get through
elf is good enough for us.
this fuckin door. We need a place to leave our
horses, were fuckin wet, bitch, bitch, bitch. . .
Zardan: (suppressing a grin) And besides, you
wouldnt fit the harness. (Tarreth and Zardan Zardan: Hey! Look theres another shit-stinkin
look at each other as if considering it. . . nah.)
bugbear. Lets bag um!
77

Nightshade incants a few harsh syllables and Clink: Just a lever, stupid mage. A bit of dwarven
points at the humanoid. Shouting Wimbly!, a thin
magic called Engineering.
silken-strand shoots forth from her long pointing finger wrapping itself around the retreating bugbear Nightshade: What does it mean. . . Engine er
ing?
bringing it down.
Clink: (grumbles) Hell if I know. . .
Tarreth: (amazed) Fuck Spiderman!
We gave the poor bugbear a proper burial (i.e.
Zardan easily drags the webbed bugbear over
we left it outside for the wild wolves). Then we placed
to the waiting party (he got a belt from the orc leader
our horses into the small gatehouse. There was some
that adds +3 STR to its wearer)
commotion as Allirias warhorse stomped a zombie
Tarreth: (speaking in orcish slobbering all over him- into the ground. After calming the horses we found
self) Are there many of you here? Yes? Well, a broken bronze horn. (Oh, well. We didnt need an
evil horn of Valhalla anyways. . . )
you got a key to this door?
After warming up we entered the northeast
Bugbear: (in harsh common) Huh? Ah. . . me only tower via an inner door. There were stairs going up
work at here.
and down. Taking the former, dwarf on point, we
ascended to the second level (empty) and then to up
Zardan looking disgusted draws dagger and to the highest level, the third. I instantly caught sight
slices through the helpless humanoids throat like cut- of a glitter of gold embedded in the center of the floor
ting through warm butter.
and proceeded to pick up all that I could.
Bugbear: (nasty, rated R follows) Arrrg! Gur- Tarreth: Good dwarf. Bring me the pickaxe if you
gle, choke, sputter, gag. . . (He dies an ignoble
please. Gee this adventuring stuff is easy. (filldeath.)
ing his pockets)
Alliria: Hey! Youre a ranger. That is Evil. (The
word reverberates through room.)

Dwarf: (grumbles while walking to Tarreth) Hmm.

If Im not [crunch] mistaken, I detect [crack] unsafe stone. . . [Break!] Whoa! Umph! (jumping
Zardan: Naw, evil humanoids are bad guys, irrevoaside new hole in floor) w. . . o. . . r. . . k. . . !
cably evil. You can waste the puppies as quick as
you can findum without fear of, ahh. . . penalties. Nightshade: (resisting urge to practice dwarfBesides they breed like rabbits.
tossing) Damn thick-skulled, lead-boned, Barrelgut! Wheres Tarreth?!?
Tarreth: Wow, thats good to know. I got dibs on
the next one. Hey since when did you get so Dust fills the chamber. Thump. Thump. Thump!
wise?
Dwarf: Hmm. . . Yes. I believe there are four stories
Zardan: I was enlightened by a little bald gnome
to this tower.
wearing a red robe. He spoke in strange riddles
and I tried to follow him when he walked away, Tarreth: Wheeeeeee! Hey this ring is Fun.. Im
as light as a feather. (seconds later) Uh. . . You
but he disappeared behind a tree.
guys better get down here now!
Clink: (picking up pole from ground) Hmmm. I
get door open. yup. Give me barrel over there.
Party rushes down stairs to see Tarreth standing in a pile of human bones on one wall of a dark
Clink quickly assembles a nice Archemedian circular room.
lever placing the pole under a crack under the door.
Grrrrunt! [Crack] the door falls off broken hinges. Luminar: These were undead skeletons. About
twenty I would estimate.
Nightshade: What in Nine Hells was that?
[Poof!]
Clink: What the grunt? Old dwarven secret: If
you grunt loud enough you can do anything. Ole Nightshade: I sense that we were not supposed to
Arnold Stonezenegger proved that one.
destroy them this easy.
Nightshade: No, I meant that pole and barrel contraption.

Zardan: (looking opposite direction with other PCs)

What makes you think that?
78

[Scuffle, slide, scuffle]

Nightshade: (heading up stairs) Ask the twenty
skeletons that just appeared behind us!
(Readers note: Our DM can be ghoulish at
times. Mou-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha)
I saw the skeletons too late as I was busy dusting myself off. Alliria the archeress reacted quickly
sending a pair of sheaf arrows into the rotley crew before they could close to melee. One rebounded harmlessly while the other splintered a bonejobs sternum
barely slowing it. The first skeletons clawed the backs
of the two priests while the dwarf assaulted his pair
with twin hand axes.
Zardan: (getting clawed) Ahhh! (tries to parry
with holy symbol) goddamnit! (9 skeletons turn)
Hey! How bout that.
Luminar: (spins wildly) Recoil in the name of
Pholtus, He whose Light. . . (6 more turn as Luminar rambles on about the glory of Pholtus)
Standing atop the mound of rubble and bones
I join the archeress in missile fire. Clink drops his
skeletons amidst a flurry of dwarven curses. Bone (&
sentence) fragments everywhere. Luminar, pleased
with the turn of battle, cries a praise to his god and
sweeps two skeletons with his new magic flail. Soon
we manage to beat the foul magicks of the the remaining bonejobs and rush upstairs to catch our breath.
Nightshade: Took ya guys long enough, leaving
me up here all alone. . .
Zardan: (quite pissed) Ya, thanks fer your
help. . . witch! (quickly solemns as if realizing
the implication of his words)
Nightshade: (scowling) Looks like you got
hurt. . . again. (threatening) Why dont you go
to sleep. (evil smile)
Alliria: Enough of this! Now we were caught off
guard. Lets just make sure we are more careful
next time. Right Clink!?
I love it when she takes command, so beautiful
when she is angry. Those blazing eyes, high cheekbones, and luscious lips. So beautiful and firm, and
those bouncing full. . . (SLAP!!) Stop looking at me
like that!
Tarreth: Ahh, ju. . . just checking to see if you are
alright. That was lame but oh well. I guess
Ill just have to check her out from behind, not
that its bad or anything. . . So fast and. . . strong?
Ouch!
79

I hate it when that happens. Ed

Zeamba

The Sunrise Prophesy

c
1990
Mary K. Kuhner
[email protected]
My Sunrise War game, which lasted for several years
playing nearly every week, was loosely based around a
prophecy which I wrote and stuck on the front of the
rules-revisions packet I gave my players. (Whats
this?
Your character used to jump rope to it
when she was little.) People looked at it, puzzled
a little, then went on with their lives. Then later, a
few things started to click, and they thought seriously
about what it might mean and what they could do
about it. They never got all the pieces put together,
though they did fulfill some of the parts (and others
were done by NPCs). Usually they realized that the
prophecy was relevant only after the events predicted
had already occurred.

What if the coral ring should break,1

Where would we2 find to run?
A shadows rest,3
An eagles nest,4
A hilltop in the sun.5
And if the Sun rose in the South6
What would you give7 to me?
A purple jewel,8
The High Kings fool,
An island in the sea.

And if the Sea should rise and fill

The streets with foam and fear?9
A star will fall,
I didnt have to do much of anything to make this
The Phoenix call,10
happen; it was a nice, vague prophecy, and the only
The rising moon appear.
specific events in it (the death of the Moonchild) were
mostly out of PC control. They did in fact bring back Where shall the Moonchild lay his head
the Moonchild from the land of the dead, though, When Bloodfire11 stains the land?
rather to my surprise.
Where shadows lie,
Where eagles die,
Background: The campaign setting, the world of
Where mountains silent stand.12
Kyris, is in the process of being invaded by powers from beyond the Southern Sea, the realm of And in the Land Beyond The Moon
the Purple Sun, Amaoiqua, which changes all it Will you still know my name?
shines upon. The invaders hope to bring AmaoiIll call to you,
qua to shine on Kyris, freeing the Kyrisi from
Ill search for you,13
their isolation, darkness and despair. UnfortuIll come to you again.
nately the Kyrisi dont see it that way.
Amaoiqua awakens spirits of the land, and gives Who shall there be to bring to me
the souls of men and beasts into their keeping; My fathers crown to wear?
From winters field,14
which may or may not be a good thing dependThe Exiles shield,
ing on your point of view, but is certainly very
The children of the bear.15
scary. Even brief exposure to the light can corrupt (transform) the weak.
And when the Sunrise King16 is crowned
The powers of Kyris declared war on the Amaoi
Is all then lost or won?
invaders. The prophecy appears to describe cerNo mortal knows17
tain events of what has come to be called the
Nor gods disclose
Sunrise War.
Till all our battles done.
Herein follows the Sunrise Prophesy with an analysis
by Lord Shien of Maraket, Advisor to the Emperor.

80

1. The sinking of the coral-rimmed island of Darsul was

the first blow struck by the Amaoi in the war.
2. Three different people are referred to here as we.
3. A shadows rest refers to Kimkiriador Moonchild, the
Emperors son, whose mother sent him to Merys-isle
to keep him from the danger she foresaw; Merys-isle
is one of the last refuges of the Dark Goddesses.
4. An eagles nest refers to the Pathactrici nomads,
whom a survivor from Darsul rallied for war.
5. A hilltop in the sun refers to myself, another survivor
of Darsul; I went to Maraket, to the city of the Sun
Emperor, and offered my services to him.
6. Amaoiqua rose in the South, first over ruined Darsul,
then much of South Kyris. This stanza and the next
refer to the fall of Merys-isle and the near capture of
Kimkiriador.
7. give is ironic; the Sunstone and the Harlequin
troupes of the invaders fell upon Merys-isle in force
to break its opposition and secure the boy, of whom
they, too, apparently had prophecies.
8. The purple jewel is the Sunstone carried by the invasion fleet.
9. Merys-isle was destroyed by tsunami, but cultists on
the island, realizing Kimkiriadors importance (the
rising moon appear) sent him and his closest companion away on the star-chariot given them by the
Lady of Night long ago.
10. Phoenix call refers to the Moonchilds escape into
death described in the next stanza, which was apparently prophesied on Merys-isle; Renate Wildfire,
the Phoenix Goddess, represents death, rebirth and
the purification of fire.

as being the Sun incarnate), summoned the First

Dragons, Kyris and Peresthi, powers of the North
and of the South; and demanded a compromise, a
balance between North and South, to be ruled over
by his son. The Dragons agreed, and it was decreed
that all of South Kyris and all of North Amaoiqua
would become a new realm, the Sunrise Domain, in
which Amaoiqua would regularly rise and set. Its
people could be freed of the compulsions of Amaoiqua and the isolation of Kyris if they would worship
Kimkiriador and accept his blessing.
17. I found later that the Northerners could have prevented this turn of events, though at terrible risk
to themselves; but they chose not to, for reasons
which they have not explained to me. They returned
north of the boundaries of the Sunrise Domain, beyond the Wall of Fire, and set themselves to opposing
Amaoiquas further spread; all but one, who joined
Kimkiriador and became his diplomatic envoy. They
were later involved in a plot to destroy the Sunrise
compromise, but apparently they failed. For moral
ambiguity. I know not whether to be glad or sorry.
I am not myself a follower of Kimkiriador, having
enough power of my own to protect myself from the
light; and I am not sure I like what the Emperor, my
master, has done, though I now believe it is beyond
all undoing.

Fragile Butterfly
c
1990
Todd Groner (Foxx)
I have chased the fragile butterfly
With wings of brilliant hue,
But now that I have captured it
I know not what to do.

11. The Bloodfire cults of Salu allied with the invaders,

and would have captured Kimkiriador had he not
been ritually slain, sent to the Land Beyond the
Moon to keep him from capture.

For near two years Ive tracked it,

Through times of sun and rain,
But now that I have captured it,
12. The Land Beyond the Moon is generally described I fear Ill cause it pain.
as a land of barren and terrible mountains, without
sun or water.

13. Northerners (the PCs), bearing a staff of Amaoi iron

and Kyrisi wood which could bind the powers of
Amaoiqua, sought Kimkiriador in the Land beyond
the moon and brought him back, though at the price
of binding a Phoenix forever to the powers of death,
a terrible deed.

I know that I may hurt it

If I dont let it go,
But now that I have captured it,
Ive grown to love it so.

Ive heard that if you love something

Then you should set it free,
14. Another reference to the Northerners, who came
But now that I have captured it,
from the lands of the exiled Imperial noble Justinian,
It means so much to me.
and who were allies of Kyris-cult, shapeshifters and
beast-worshippers.
15. A Great Bear had apparently sent the Northerners
to the struggle. Having rescued Kimkiriador, they
took him to his father in Maraket.
16. His father, the Sun Emperor and a remarkable man
(not many know that he was a Black Magician as well

81

I love this fragile butterfly.

I wonder . . . could it be?
Did I truly capture it,
Or did it capture me?

Magic Items
Tim Prestero

Aaron Miaullis

Sandman

Tired

of GMing the proverbial encyclopedia in

platemail? Herere some magic items your players
wont know about no matter how well theyve studied the DMG! Tim, Aaron, Sandman & Neuromancer
hope youll put them to wicked use, confusing and befuddling the most jaded of gamesters. Enjoy!

Neuromancer

and abilities bestowed by the ring on the wearer

while in animal form.
Bat: flight (18), echolocation
Fish: Water breathing, Swim (12)
Monkey: Brachiation, color vision, 9 move
Raven: Flight (27), wide angle color vision

Presteros Rings

Rat: 15 move, wide angle night vision

Dog: 15 move, good hearing, scent

Rings of Flying: These rings grant the wearer the
power of flight, deriving much of their energy
Toad: 3 move, good wide angle night vision
from the wearer himself, who can remain aloft
for as many hours as 12 his CON. Eight hours Ring of Gaseous Form: This neato cursed item
turns the wielder gaseous, but since he is unrest restores the fliers stamina. Movement while
able to remove the ring in that form, the poor
diving is doubled. There are five types of rings:
sap tends to stay gaseous.
Roll
%ile
01-15
16-35
36-80
81-95
96-00

Maneuverability
Class
C
C
B
B
A

Movement
Rate
12
15
21
33
57

Rings of Stamina: These rings are activated by a

command word, with the command taking effect
the round after it is uttered. These rings have
20-50 charges (d4+1), with charges acting as a
hit point reserve for the wielder. When the ring
is on, it absorbs damage up to its maximum
capacity. Upon reaching zero charges, the ring
crumbles into dust. When off, the ring regenerates one charge every eight hours.

Ring of Statues: This is a rather powerful magic

item. Upon mental command, the wielder turns
into a greyish stone statue, indistinguishable
from ordinary stone, except through the use of
ESP. Location spells will not work on the character in stone form, and the statue only radiates
faint alteration magic. If ESP or psionic disciple
of some sort is used, the statue will radiate faint
emotions. While stoned, the wearer requires no
food, air,or water, and can remain in this form
interminably. While in stone form, the wearer
sees and hears through the equivalents of
Clairaudience and Clairvoyance spells, centered
on the statue. To become flesh again, the wearer
merely wills it. (10change back). The transformation to stone takes four segments, while
the transformation back to flesh takes a round.
While in statue form, the wearers features are
blurred and distorted, only recognizable on a
successful INT check (at -4).

Rings of Animal Form: Upon wearing one of

these rings, the wearer is polymorphed into the
animal whos image is graven on the ring. The
ring will still be visible on the polymorphed form, Activating rings: In my campaign, rings are actialthough perhaps altered in size, and the wielder
vated a number of ways. Turning a ring clockmust contrive some way of removing the ring to
wise on the finger activates the ring, ccw debe able to return to his normal form. While in
activates. Others work on spoken command.
animal form, the wearer retains his hit points
Still others work merely upon contact with flesh.
and AC, but gains the movement, breathing, esc.
(This type of ring soon gave way to magical earabilities of the form which he assumes. All of
rings, toe rings, nose rings, etc). Finally, there
the wielders carried items are polymorphed with
is always the possibility of mental command.
him. Listed below are some examples of rings
82

Aarons Items

Impact Armor: This is a set full plate armor of

dwarven make and size. The wearer of the arSilver Horse: The magic item is a figure of wonmor takes NO DAMAGE from falling, regarddrous power about four centimeters high and ten
less of the height. The dwarven kings had this
centimeters long made out of silver with eyes of
problem, their warrior kept falling down pits and
jade. When the command word (hydrayrum,
dying. So they commanded their smiths and
latin for mercury) is uttered the figurine enphysicists to design armor that would save their
larges, in three minutes, to the size of a full horse.
clumsy troops. The smiths started on a design
Once the master mounts the horse both the rider
for strong armor and the physicists worked out
and the horse are completely immaterial. No
this equation:
spells can be cast from the horse and no attacks
can be made. One advantage is that only magiF = ma = P A
cal weapons or spells can affect the rider or the
horse and only for half or no damage (save vs
spell for spells and weapons). The silver horse
d(magic)
and rider can also pass through objects and walk
F + x = ma +
dx
over any surface. The rider will feel no ill effects
from phasing through matter. Like all wondrous
It practicality, the character in the armor takes
magic items there is a drawback. The horse abno damage from a fall because the force of the
sorbs hit points from the rider at a rate of one
fall is transferred to another location. This also
hit point every three minutes. Let the rider know
makes a dramatic effect for those fighters who
he is feeling weaker but never inform him about
want to jump from the top of a castle or cliff and
the hit point loss. Thats why there are stories
into the middle of a fray. There is also the added
of skeleton riders on ghost-like silver horses runeffect of having an object near the character take
ning through certain campaign worlds, the poor
all the falling damage.
fools never got off.
Armor Class:
Movement:
Hit Dice:
# of Attacks:
Special Defenses:
Magic Resistance:
Alignment:
Intelligence:

5
30
4
0
Immaterial (see above)
20%
None
None

Goggles of Sight: These goggles give the character

ultravision, infravision, and far seeing.
Blanket of Pass without Trace: This
magic
blanket can be used to cover up the trail of a
small army. Useful for bandits.

Scroll of the Map: A map parchment that gives a

map of where the character has been in the last
seven days. This just makes it easier on the DM
and the players by getting rid of all that mapping
Wooden Horse: This figure of wondrous power is
business.
a small wooden statue of a horse on two curved
skies. When the command word (yippee!!) is
uttered the horse appears to the owner to grow Silver Sword: Simply a silver/steel alloy sword
for attacking werecreatures on low magic camto the size of a full horse with any adaptations
paigns. This way the characters dont have to
(color, wings, fiery hooves, armor, etc) the chartry to stone the attacking werewolves with silver
acter desires. The character can then mount the
pieces (believe me, we did it one time).
majestic beast and take-off at any speed he wants
(warp nine is fine). The terrain, horse adaptations, speed, creatures racing or fighting against, Gauntlets of Electricity: These copper and silver
gauntlets have the following powers:
sounds and theme song are all in the characters
mind. The reality of the horses magic is much
Lighting bolt, 12d6, once per day. Somatic
different, however. When the command word is
component is any grand, dramatic gesture
uttered the wooden horse grows to the size of
the DM or player can think of.
a full horse, but is still a rocking horse. Other
Shocking grasp, 2d6, five times per day. Socharacters can have a great time watching the
matic component is to just reach out and
owner of the horse ride off into his imaginary
touch someone.
sunset.
83

 Sparking, no damage, unlimited usage.

Sparking is just giving off a spark of electricity. It can be used to start a fire but its
best use is for those ever-so-common situations needing dramatic displays of minor
but effective power. The somatic component is snapping your fingers.
Headband of Radar: Gives the character 360 vision, but in shades of black and white only.
Never any colors.

Items from
Sandman & Neuromancer
Ring of Subtitles: By appearance this looks like
an ordinary gold ring, but when worn it has some
extraordinary features. Whoever is wearing this
ring will enjoy the ability to communicate via
subtitles to any individuals capable of reading
their own native language. The subtitles generally appear one foot away from the wearers feet.
Headband of Outta-Sync: This item appears as
a headband with several chinese symbols written upon it. When worn, it causes the wearer
to talk out of sync (his words not matching the
movement of his lips) thus making lip-reading
upon the wearer an impossible feat.
Gloves of Cool Sound Effects: These items appear as normal, black, leather gloves, but then
worn they cause sound effects with certain movements. If the wearer jumps, a swoosh sound is
emitted. All punches and kicks make shoom and
crack sounds, and an audible *Hi-yah* often accompanies crits making the wearer of the gloves
sound just like Bruce Lee! Note: Do not mistake
these with the Gloves of Batman.

Gosh! Youve really got some nice toys in

here. Roy Batty, Bladerunner

84

The Sword Dancer

A character class for AD&D
by Jim Vassilakos & Ed Zeamba
November 1990

This

is the Sword Dancer character class, originally conceptualized by Jennifer Roberson in her
book, Sword Dancer, interpreted for AD&Dv2 by Ed
Zeamba, and heavily bastardized by Jim Vassilakos
for inclusion into his Divlantian Rules.

Hitpoints: d8 per level w/ Con bonus

Proficiencies
Weapon:
Double Specialization in Weapon of Choice

Stat Prerequisites
Levels 1-12 Levels 13+
Str
13
Str
16
Dex
15
Dex
16
Wis
11
Wis
14

Basic Proficiency in all other Swords

One additional weapon proficiency per two
levels of experience
One Combat Point per level after first
(q.v. House Rules: Combat System)

The Sword Dancer is a subclass of Warrior which spe- NonWeapon:

cializes in ritualized sword combat. The class is re Blind Fighting + two initial proficiencies
stricted to leather armor and may not employ shields
One addition nonweapon proficiency per
or bucklers or gain proficiencies in weapons other
three levels of experience
than swords.
Level
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22

Experience Table
Experience
Circle
Title
0 1st Circle
Initiate
2500
5000
10000 2nd Circle
Disciple
20000
40000 3rd Circle SwordBearer
80000
150000
300000 4th Circle SwordSinger
500000
750000
1000000
1300000 5th Circle SwordSlayer
1600000
1900000
2200000
2500000 6th Circle SwordMaker
2800000
3100000
3400000
3700000
4000000 7th Circle SwordMaster

Mentalist Disciplines
Sword Dancers have the ability to sense the psychic impressions left on swords, both with regard to
the blade and hilt. Such impressions are accurate
50%+10%/lvl of the time with a substantial negative
modification for more detailed sword-scrying.
At 4th level they gain a resistance to charm,
hypnosis, and suggestions at 15% + 5% per level.
At 6th level, Swords dancers gain a 30% resistance to resistance to ESP & telepathy. This rises
10% at 9th, 13th, 17th, and 22nd level.

The Five Quests of the Dancer

Thulecuivi: The Awakening
At 4th level, Dancers fall into a quest for their
SoulSword, a very individualistic, secret, and holy
ordeal known as the Thulecuivi. During this period,
the Dancer must find and spiritually unite with his
85

(or her) weapon before graduating to the 3rd circle

at 6th level of experience, that of the SwordBearer.
It is said that the Disciple must first meet his
weapon in meditation, before embarking on his quest,
thus awakening the spirit of the weapon to his intent.
At 5th level, once the swords spirit has awakened, it
will search for its wielder, meeting him in the DreamLands to test his resolve. Only when the weapon is
held with the Disciples mind will it make its physical
location known.
Finally, when the Dancer has earned enough
experience to progress to 6th level, he must fight
within the DreamLands, slaying his own spirit as
a sacrifice to the blade. Then, and only then, will
the weapon make its truename known to the Dancer.
And only with knowledge of its truename will the
swords spirit accept the wielders physical manifestation without killing the Dancer outright.

vengeance in a distant age. Within the heart of his

individual, he must blood the weapon, allowing it to
swallow the spirit before it escapes from the coil of
life.
The Jivatma (or SlayingBlade) thereby acquires the most terrible attributes of its victim, the
magic of the Blooding serving to compliment its songmagic so that the Jivatma is separate from all other
blades both in power and purpose, a master of its
wielder, untouchable save by the hand that knows its
name.

Kirumbar: The Calling

When the wielder has attained the necessary experience for 17th level, the cutting hand of fate is said to
intervene, creating a stirring within the soul, a calling
known only as the Kirumbar. With it, comes the realization of the fourth quest, whereby the dancer must,
Macilinde: The Singing
with the aid of a SwordShaper, forge the blade of
his own future imprisonment from SpiritSteel, coiled
Upon attaining the experience necessary for 9th level, from skyborn iron. The blade cannot be finished,
the Dancer embarks upon his second quest, the Ma- however, until it is baked beneath the breath of a
cilinde, the magic of music by which he weaves the Wyrm of Song, the Wyrms price for this completion
forces of chaos through the spirit of his SoulSword. being the sword itself, that the soul of the dancer may
Again an expedition to the DreamLands is required, be captured and put to use upon his mortal demise.
but this time the SwordBearer must also bare his
physical manifestation to the dangers within the multilayered the Planes of Oniros. There he must seek
Echiluve: The Merging
the source of his SoulBlade, the ancient and dreaded
Wyrms of Song who capture the shattered spirits of Upon attaining experience for 22nd level, the Swordthe Greatest SwordMasters and transform them into Dancer enters his fifth and final quest known always
the blades of their forging. Assuming the Bearer is as Echiluve, the final mergence of Sword and Dancer.
successful in his journey, he must there learn the an- Again, the Dancer must journey to the DreamLands,
cient art of SwordSinging, thus entering the 4th circle this time to the final forge upon which his SoulSword
of mastery. The form of his SongMagic is individual- was completed. There, he must find the Wyrm who
istic as is his SoulSword, his school of training, and taught him SongMagic and must prove himself worthe nature of the quest he undertakes.
thy of the mergence which will wind about him the
bind that will merge him with his SoulSword. If the
quest is successful, his spirit is made one with the
Serkai: The Blooding
Sword, the latter no longer commanding the former
but both made whole, once and forevermore.
When the wielder has attained the necessary expeThereafter, the Dancer is no longer an Ishtoya
rience to progress to 13th level, he enters his third
(student), but is rather a Kaiden, a SwordMaster in
quest, that of Serkai, the Blooding. Before progressthe since that he is both Sword and Master. The suring to the 5th circle, he must undergo this quest on
name, Turion, is thereafter indicative of his status in
behalf of his SoulSword which awakened for and nurthe Cult of Dancers.
tured him that it might in time undergo its own right
of passage, from that of the SoulSword to that of the
Jivatma.
Making a spiritual journey into the star of his
Facets of the Dancer
sword, the wielder must learn the identity of the
Hunted One for which the spirit of the sword descended to the Wyrms of Song that it might take
The SwordDance
86

The Dance is a ritualized, often non-lethal exercise

used both for training, exhibition, and competition.
Thus, there are accordingly many levels of sophistication and seriousness which the Dance itself may
take. At the simplest level, the dance begins with a
circle, two swords, and two dancers. As the circumstance grows more serious, a judge may be added,
opponents may be allowed representatives, and the
circle itself may be modified not merely in size but
also in its magical nature, the flowing essence of life
and death intermixing with the power of song, itself
a symbol of the life of a dancer, of his purpose, and of
the oaths held sacred. Within such a complex circle,
such fights are often to the death, an individual being
allowed to yield only by accepting the demand of his
opponent, this demand taking the form of a magical
geas which can only be broken by the winners acquiescence or death.

song, a life-song, which the dancer must sing and

eventually finish with the settling of his worldly affairs. Such tasks, entangled within the magic of Song,
take the form of a sort of holy quest, the dancer gaining a +1 on all to-hit rolls and saving-throws which
directly relate to the achievement of this quest, however, if the quest is set aside, the song is said to be
unfinished, and all to-hits are at -1. Thus, the song is
a commitment or chain of commitments which cannot be undone regardless of circumstance.

The Personality of the Dancer

The SwordDancer, although as much an individual as

anyone, adheres to a code, an ethic to put it bluntly,
which is as binding as the Magic of Song, and the
main focus of this ethic, to put matters of alignment
aside, is within the personality of the Dancer himself. The Dancer is disciplined, honors the Circle, the
Sword, and the Dance, is obedient to the Mastery of
The Cult of Dancer
his SoulSword, to the demands of his Song, and to
The many Cults of Sword Dancing collectively form the Voca, and is respectful of all things including his
an ancient and highly ritualized religion, whereby the enemy. The extent to which the Dancer adheres to
dancer swears a symbolic servitude to his weapon this ethic may determine the extent to which he may
in much the same fashion as the original Knights of advance in the ranks of his profession. DMs discreWurm gave up possession of their souls to their great tion is advised.
reptilian steeds. Whatever the case, it is certain that
the relationship between Sword and Dancer is both
symbiotic yet dominating.
Each of the Cults form their basis around a
particular style of SwordDancing and SwordSinging
which is indicative of their relationship to the Wyrms
of Song from which the propagation of the Cults
spring. Within each, there is a rigid social order and a
system of ranks by which the members are stratified.
Each Cult holds a Voca or ruling council of the
best ten SwordDancers, often Masters in their own
right. This court arbitrates disputes and executes its
verdict by the command of its subjects, the authority
of their judgments winning recognition not merely by
the social hierarchy but also by the weapons which
A long time ago, on a distant planet, I was
they wield and the powers of Song each may bring
a high priest of an evil cult. Now, as payagainst the others.
ment for past sins, what remains of what
I was must manifest itself as this exceedingly pointless quote. Perhaps on a different
The Song of the Dancer
plane of reality, we could have been friends.
Unlike the training of warriors, rangers, and even
knights, tasks assumed by the state often merely
for the sake of regional defense, SwordDancing is regarded as much more individualistic a career, and a
Dancer is trained only having demonstrated a profound need for the skills and powers of the Circle.
Having been trained, this need takes the form of a
87

A tasteless engineer
Florida Institute of Technology, Melbourne, FL

Miscellaneous Monsters
c
1990
Bradley S. Hall

Here

BLIZZARD

are some monsters even the most arduous

rules-lawyers never heard of.

FREQUENCY
# APPEARING
ARMOR CLASS
MOVE
HIT DICE
% CHANCE IN LAIR
TREASURE TYPE
# OF ATTACKS
DAMAGE/ATTACK
SPECIAL ATTACKS
SPECIAL DEFENSE
MAGIC RESISTANCE
INTELLIGENCE
ALIGNMENT
SIZE
PSIONIC ABILITY
X.P. Value

CLIFF GIANT
FREQUENCY
# APPEARING
ARMOR CLASS
MOVE
HIT DICE
% IN LAIR
TREASURE TYPE
NO OF ATTACKS
DAMAGE/ATTACK
SPECIAL ATTACKS
6-36 hit points.
SPECIAL DEFENSES
MAGIC RESISTANCE
INTELLIGENCE
ALIGNMENT
SIZE
PSIONIC ABILITY
X.P. VALUE

Uncommon
1-6
3
12
12
75
E
1
6-36
Hurling Rocks for
None
Standard
Average
Chaotic Evil
L (11 tall)
None
2850 + 16 per hit point

Very Rare
1- 1
2
8
16
Nil
QQQQQ
2
2-16/2-16
Cold: 1D4
See Below
50%
SEMIChaotic Neutral
200 Diameter
Nil
7750 + 20 per hit point.

The Blizzard is a large creature composed of shifting

snow and ice. From a distance, this creature resembles a small version of its namesake. It cannot be
distinguished as a living creature until the party is
unfortunate enough to get caught in it. The Blizzard
radiates a zone of intense cold within its 200 diamCliff giants are a cross-breed between Hill Giants and eter body. This cold does 1d4 points of damage for
Mountain Giants. They typically stand 11 tall and every round that a creature stays in the area. The
live in caves in high cliffs. Cliff Giants are often asso- Blizzard moves at 8 per round and attacks with 2
ciated with giant spiders. Thus, their is a 40% chance giant ice blades which do 2-16 points each.
that their lair will be guarded by 1-6 such creatures.
The Blizzard was created by an evil mage exThe favorite tactic of these creatures is to hide in perimenting with the mutation of elementals. This
the cliffs above steep canyon passes in the mountains. creature is a mutated version of an air elemental
When unwary travelers pass, the giants begin casting which lives on heat. As a result of this, fire based
down large boulders and tree limbs upon them. Cliff damage heals hit points equivalent to the amount of
Giants are quite adept at throwing these projectiles damage that would normally be done. Conversely,
over distances up to 300 feet.
cold based damage does twice the normal. Being
Cliff Giants typically have dark brown skins composed mostly of air, cutting weapons have no afwith hair ranging from a light grey to black. They fect on the Blizzard. Blunt weapons, however, do
typically dress in skins gleaned from mountain goats. 1/2 normal damage. Because of their near indestructibility and insatiable thirst for heat, most of these
creatures have been banned to the polar regions of
the planet in order to keep their power at a minimum.

88

DRAGON FISHER
FREQUENCY
# APPEARING
ARMOR CLASS
MOVE
HIT DICE
% IN LAIR
TREASURE TYPE
NO OF ATTACKS
DAMAGE/ATTACK
SPECIAL ATTACKS
SPECIAL DEFENSES
MAGIC RESISTANCE
INTELLIGENCE
ALIGNMENT
SIZE
PSIONIC ABILITY
X.P. VALUE

Drug Zombies are normal humanoids who have been

addicted to a special drug which turns them into
mindless slaves. This drug is a derivative of a rare
blue mushroom which is only found in very deep cavern complexes. Anyone addicted to this drug can not
be taken off the drugs without dying in detox. Their
drugged state prevents them from feeling pain. Thus
they will fight until death. Note: this means that
they must be taken to -10 hit points before they will
stop fighting.
The strong addiction of this drug generates
complete loyalty to the supplier. In addition, the
magical nature of this drug prevents its removal from
the addicts system with anything other than a full
WISH spell or clerical HEAL. Note: any race of creature can be addicted to this drug. However, creatures
of low to animal intelligence typically go insane and
kill themselves.

Common
1-20
2
24
8
60
E
2
2-12/2-12
Poison/Breath Weapon
None
Standard
Low
Neutral (Evil)
L (20 long)
None
825 + 10 per hit point

Dragon Fishers are distant relatives to wyvern and

dragons. They commonly inhabit cliffs overlooking
large water bodies. Their normal diet consists of fish,
however, they will attack other creatures if they look
like easy prey. Their normal attack mode is a diving
attack with both claws. They can also make a slow
pass and use their tail. The tail attack does 1-8 points
and the target must save vs poison or lose strength
equivalent to 4d6 minus their constitution for 1d10
turns. If grounded, these creatures attack with their
bite for 2-20 points of damage. Their breath weapon
is fish breath. Target must make save or be sick
for 1d6 rounds.
Dragon Fishers are dark blue with light blue
underbellies. Their eyes are pitch black.

ELECTRONITE
FREQUENCY
# APPEARING
ARMOR CLASS
MOVE
HIT DICE
% IN LAIR
TREASURE TYPE
NO OF ATTACKS
DAMAGE/ATTACK
SPECIAL ATTACKS
SPECIAL DEFENSES
MAGIC RESISTANCE
INTELLIGENCE
ALIGNMENT
SIZE
PSIONIC ABILITY
X.P. VALUE

DRUG ZOMBIE
FREQUENCY
# APPEARING
ARMOR CLASS
MOVE
HIT DICE
% IN LAIR
TREASURE TYPE
NO OF ATTACKS
DAMAGE/ATTACK
SPECIAL ATTACKS
SPECIAL DEFENSES
MAGIC RESISTANCE
INTELLIGENCE
ALIGNMENT
SIZE
PSIONIC ABILITY
X.P. VALUE

Uncommon
3-24
6
10
4
70
OPXYZ
1
1d4 or by weapon
None
No Nerves
Standard
Low
Neutral Evil
M
None
60 + 4 per hit point

Rare
1-6
0
12
8
90
PG
2
1-10/1-10
See Below
See Below
50%
Average
Neutral (Chaotic Evil)
M
None
1175 + 10 per hit point

The electronite is a distant cousin of the shocker.

They attack by touching an opponent and discharging
a large jolt of electricity into the victim. Opponents
wearing metal armor are treated as AC10 (minus dexterity bonus) for the purpose of hitting. A electronite
can only make 6 successful hits then it must withdraw
to recharge.
The electronite has a 50% magic resistance,
and is immune to electrical attacks, poison, paralyzation, sleep and charm. Water however, will cause the
electronite 2-16 points of damage per gallon applied.
These creatures are only affected by magical weapons.
Electronites look like normal humanoids.
They typically live in dark dry places far from water.
89

MEKPURR
FREQUENCY
# APPEARING
ARMOR CLASS
MOVE
HIT DICE
% IN LAIR
TREASURE TYPE
NO OF ATTACKS
DAMAGE/ATTACK
SPECIAL ATT.
SPECIAL DEF.
MAGIC RESIST.
INTELLIGENCE
ALIGNMENT
SIZE
PSI. ABILITY
X.P. VALUE

Standard
Common
10-40
4
4

85 + 4

Captain
Rare
1-2
1

Knight
Lieutenant
Rare
Rare
1
1-4
-2
1
12
8
10
6
80
AMN
2
1-4/1-4
By Weapon
See Below
30%
Average
Lawful Neutral
Large (7)
None
550+10 1350+14
225 + 6

Seargent
Rare
1-8
3
5

130+5

GIANT CYCLOPS
Mekpurr are 7 tall cat-like humanoids that only inhabit the very coldest regions of the planet. Thus,
they are rarely encountered by other humanoids.
Most Mekpurrs are either privateers or mercenaries.
Mekpurrs are highly resistant to cold. Thus, cold
based damage is reduced by 20% while all heat damage is increased by 20%. All Mekpurrs have a natural
30% magic resistance.
The Mekpurrs have an entire society built
around the classic caste system. No distinction is
made between male and females, both are considered
equal. Mekpurrs can be any standard character class.
However, a mekpurrs character class is determined at
birth by the color of its fur. White furred Mekpurr
are almost invariably magic users and clerics. Orange is typically a fighters color while black indicates
rogues. Class changes are rare within this caste system.

FREQUENCY
# APPEARING
ARMOR CLASS
MOVE
HIT DICE
% IN LAIR
TREASURE TYPE
NO OF ATTACKS
DAMAGE/ATTACK
SPECIAL ATTACKS
SPECIAL DEFENSES
MAGIC RESISTANCE
INTELLIGENCE
ALIGNMENT
SIZE
PSIONIC ABILITY
X.P. VALUE

Rare
1-4
2
16
14
70
A
2
2-16/2-16
None
None
Standard
Low
Neutral
L (20 tall)
None
5200 + 18 per hit point

For every 5 Mekpurrs encountered, there will

be 1 Seargent with the group. For every 10, there
will be 1 Lieutenant. For every 20 there will be 1 The giant cyclops is a rare magical crossbreed between the standard cyclops and a titan. They are
Captain, and for every 40, there will be 1 Knight.
very anti-social and avoid any form of interaction
with normal humanoid. However, they consider most
humanoids (except gnomes) to be a delicacy. Thus, if
forced into an encounter, these creatures are likely to
eat their opponents. Giant Cyclops have no special
attacks or defenses and typically live in very remote
areas.

90

KING TROGLODYTE
FREQUENCY
# APPEARING
ARMOR CLASS
MOVE
HIT DICE
% IN LAIR
TREASURE TYPE
NO OF ATTACKS
DAMAGE/ATTACK
SPECIAL ATTACKS
SPECIAL DEFENSES
MAGIC RESISTANCE
INTELLIGENCE
ALIGNMENT
SIZE
PSIONIC ABILITY
X.P. VALUE

bright red crown. They will generally ignore a party

unless they outnumber the party by at least 2 to 1.
In this case, they will casually wander over to investigate. The longer they stay near the party, the braver
they get. At some point, one of them will start to
peck at someone. Once blood is drawn, all of them
will flock to the victim and begin tearing him/her
apart.

Uncommon
3-30
3
12
5
15
A
3
1-6/1-6/1-8
Repulsive Odor
Fond of Heat
Standard
Average
Chaotic Evil
L (9 Tall)
None
210 + 5 per hit point

SKELETON ELITE
FREQUENCY
# APPEARING
ARMOR CLASS
MOVE
HIT DICE
% IN LAIR
TREASURE TYPE
NO OF ATTACKS
DAMAGE/ATTACK
SPECIAL ATTACKS
SPECIAL DEFENSES
MAGIC RESISTANCE
INTELLIGENCE
ALIGNMENT
SIZE
PSIONIC ABILITY
X.P. VALUE

King Troglodytes are a mutated variety of troglodyte

who live deep in the bowels of the earth. They are
large (9+) lizards with bad tempers (Chaotic evil).
They avoid regular troglodytes and most humanoids.
King Troglodytes have all of the characteristics of their smaller brothers including the repulsive odor. Since they live deep in the earth, King
Troglodytes are very fond of heat. Thus, they save
at +2 against all heat based attacks. Conversely, they
save at -2 against all cold based attacks. These creatures abhor weapons and will fight without them unless forced to do otherwise. Their typical attack involves two claws (1d6) and a bite (1d8).

Rare
1-10
4
12
5
0
None
2
1-8/1-8
See Below
See Below
Standard
Low
Chaotic Evil
L (9 Tall)
None
205 + 5 per hit point

PIRAHNA PENGUINS
FREQUENCY
# APPEARING
ARMOR CLASS
MOVE
HIT DICE
% IN LAIR
TREASURE TYPE
NO OF ATTACKS
DAMAGE/ATTACK
SPECIAL ATTACKS
SPECIAL DEFENSES
MAGIC RESISTANCE
INTELLIGENCE
ALIGNMENT
SIZE
PSIONIC ABILITY
X.P. VALUE

Common
2-20
6
6
3
90
QQ
1
1-8
Swarming
None
Standard
Animal
Neutral
S (3 1/2 Tall)
None
50 + 3 per hit point

Skeleton Elite are a more powerful version of the standard skeleton. These skeletons only take 1/4 damage from edged weapons. Fire only does 1/2 damage
while sleep, charm, hold, and cold-based spells do not
affect them. Holy water does 1d10 points of damage.
Skeleton Elites turn as Wights. A successful hit by
one of these skeletons reduces the opponents strength
by 1/2 point. This strength will return at a rate of 1
point per day of rest.

Pirahna Penguins are a distant relative to the emperor penguin. They stand 3 1/2 tall and have a
91

SNOW MOLE
FREQUENCY
# APPEARING
ARMOR CLASS
MOVE
HIT DICE
% IN LAIR
TREASURE TYPE
NO OF ATTACKS
DAMAGE/ATTACK
SPECIAL ATTACKS
SPECIAL DEFENSES
MAGIC RESISTANCE
INTELLIGENCE
ALIGNMENT
SIZE
PSIONIC ABILITY
X.P. VALUE

ability gives it a 90% chance of surprising its prey. It

is always hungry and will attack anything that moves.
Anyone touched by a snowbird must make a saving
throw vs paralyzation or suffer sever frostbite in the
touched area. This frostbite does an addition 1d10
damage and the target is at risk of permanently losing the affected area if proper care is not taken immediately.

Rare
1-3
1
24
14
30
C
1
2-20
Swallowing Whole
See Below
Standard
Animal
Neutral
L (30 or Longer)
None
3000 + 18 per hit point

HYPER-SPIDER (a.k.a. Super Spider)

The Snow Mole is a distant relative to the purple

worm. It is actually an all white worm, 30-60 feet
in length, which lives exclusively in the polar regions
of the planet. This worm moves rapidly through the
upper layers of snow eating anything in its path. This
creature is not an aggressive eater. However, if something is unfortunate enough to be in its way, it will
be eaten. It will also retaliate if attacked. The Snow
Mole will swallow its target whole on a score of 19
or 20. Anyone swallowed will die of frostbite in 1-6
rounds unless freed. Cold Based spells have no affect
on a Snow Mole. Fire based spells do normal damage.

FREQUENCY
# APPEARING
ARMOR CLASS
MOVE
HIT DICE
% IN LAIR
TREASURE TYPE
NO OF ATTACKS
DAMAGE/ATTACK
1-8/1-8/1-8/3-18
SPECIAL ATTACKS
SPECIAL DEFENSES
MAGIC RESISTANCE
INTELLIGENCE
ALIGNMENT
SIZE
PSIONIC ABILITY
X.P. VALUE

Rare
1
0
18
18
100
A
9
1-8/1-8/1-8/1-8/1-8
Surprise
None
30%
Animal
Neutral
L (18 across)
None
6550 + 25 per hit point

The Hyper-Spider, a.k.a. Super Spider, is a very dangerous predator which roams thickly forested areas.
It is very territorial, and will always be found within
SNOWBIRD
a few miles of its lair. Hyper-Spiders are not web
FREQUENCY
Common
builders. However, they will spin web-like strands to
# APPEARING
5-30
tie up their victims for later eating. These strands are
ARMOR CLASS
7
6 in diameter and cannot be broken by any amount
MOVE
24
of strength. The strands must be either burned off or
HIT DICE
1
carefully cut away. The Hyper-Spiders large size and
% IN LAIR
10
extreme speed make it a ravenous eater. Thus, it is
TREASURE TYPE
NN
always hunting. This creature knows no fear and will
NO OF ATTACKS
2
even attack parties of as many as 10 creatures. Its
DAMAGE/ATTACK
1-3/1-3
incredible speed and many attacks make this a monSPECIAL ATTACKS
Frostbite
ster capable of handling even a very advanced group
SPECIAL DEFENSES None
of adventurers.
MAGIC RESISTANCE Standard
The Hyper-Spiders primary mode of attack
INTELLIGENCE
Animal
is to sneak up on a party from above, and drop on
ALIGNMENT
Neutral
stragglers or scouts. This attack mode gives the spiSIZE
S
der surprise 80% of the time. The legs of the HyperPSIONIC ABILITY
None
Spider have a razor sharp blade along their back sides.
X.P. VALUE
14 + 1 per hit point
Each leg does 1-8 point of damage, and the spiders
A Snowbird is a distant cousin to the hawk. It only non-poisonous bite does an additional 3-18 points of
lives in very cold climates. Its white color and gliding damage.
92

This creature appears to be an enormous version of a Tarantula Spider. It is generally dark brown
or dark grey in color with its entire body covered in
coarse fur. The large size of these creatures is reputed
to be a result of intensive radiation from a meteor impact.

TUMBLEWOLVES
FREQUENCY
# APPEARING
ARMOR CLASS
MOVE
HIT DICE
% IN LAIR
TREASURE TYPE
NO OF ATTACKS
DAMAGE/ATTACK
SPECIAL ATTACKS
SPECIAL DEFENSES
MAGIC RESISTANCE
INTELLIGENCE
ALIGNMENT
SIZE
PSIONIC ABILITY
X.P. VALUE

Rare
1-10
5
18
6
5%
I
3
1-6/1-6/1-10
Surprise
None
20%
Animal-Low
Neutral
S (4 Diameter Ball)
None
245 + 5 per hit point

To a casual observer, tumblewolves look like standard

tumbleweeds. However, they are actually a carnivorous form of mobile plant. They move around by
rolling across the ground in the direction they want
to go. Tumblewolves attack by biting their prey for
1-10 points, and raking with a pair of thorn covered
limbs for 1-6 points each.
Tumblewolves are native to a planet in another
dimension. However, a few have been brought from
this planet and sold as exotic hunting dogs. They are
very loyal and train well. As a result they are very
highly prized for this purpose.

Homebrew doesnt kill brain cells, it weeds

out the weak ones.
Bill Hunter
[email protected]
Sun Microsystems, Denver, Co.

93

Sonoric & His Spells

c
1990
Tim Prestero
[email protected]

In need of more than the cut-out mage?

[email protected]

Try Sonoric. Sonorics Fly on the Wall

Your players are sure to have strong feelings for
(Divination/Necromantic)
him.
Level: Fourth
Sonoric Newt, Head Mage, Spellhounds
Range: Special
Components: V, S, M
AC:2 (Cloak +4, Ring +3, DEX); MV:12; MU13; HP:
Duration: 2 rounds/level
36; THACO:16; D:3-12 +2 (Dagger of Tripling, +2);
Casting Time: 1 turn
S8, D15, C10 I18, W10, Ch6, Co7, P15; Align:LE
Area of Effect: Special
Saving Throw: None
Magic Items: Cloak of Protection +4 (+2 all
saves), Dagger of Tripling +2, Ring of Stamina
This spell creates a spying device out of an
(30 HP), Crystal Ball (with Clairaudience ordinary flying insect. Upon casting the spell upon
and Clairvoyance), Figurine (Mercenary: F8; an insect, living or dead, the spell grants the abilities
HP:48;), Gem of Seeing (in eyesocket), Ring of of limited clairaudience and clairvoyance centered on
Teleportation (set for laboratory)
the insect. The mage, while concentrating on the
insect, can hear any noise within 15 of the insect.
Sonoric Newt is the bald-pated head of the Clairvoyance through the insect, however, is rather
city of Corinths magician corps, the militias magi- disorientating, and the mage is -2 to hit and AC for
cal investigative division, lovingly referred to as the three rounds after breaking concentration. The insect
Spellhounds or baldies by the population. Sonoric is has a flying movement rate of 6, and its movement
strikingly ugly, with a stooped posture (which fur- is controlled by the concentrating mage.
ther diminishes his 56 height), a crooked nose, and
If concentration is broken before the duraseveral scars on his head from shaving accidents. He tion expires, the insect (if in flight) will drop to the
speaks in a nasal whine that would put even the most ground, and there is a 75% chance that if the mage
saintly on edge.
resumes concentration, it will be too damaged to fly
Sonoric long ago came to the conclusion that again, although the clairaudience and clairvoyance
his respectable magical abilities would be best used will still work for the remainder of the duration. If the
in a manner that earned him money. Hardly an am- fly takes any damage during the spell, such as being
bitious man, he was content to work for the city, and swatted or stepped on, the insect will no longer fly,
for half the fee he could command elsewhere, Sonoric but, provided that at least half of the insect remains,
know enjoys the fact that he gets paid for being a the clairaudience and clairvoyance will still work.
peeping tom, rather than losing respect for it.
The material component of the spell is the
Of course, his new vocation didnt do much body of a winged insect, living or dead, which is slain
for his social standing in the magical community, but in the casting of the spell.
then when did he and his fellow Spellhounds ever have
need of that!
His spellbook contains mostly spells of a divinatory nature, and he even claims to even have invented a few. The spellbooks of his subordinates reflect his own, as most are copies of the spells he possesses.

94

Sonorics Magic Tracker (Divination)

should exceed the maximum range (target teleports,

etc), the spell is broken.
If the caster comes within three feet of the
object of the spell, he gets a sharp headache. If the
caster actually touches the object of the spell, the
spell is broken.
The material component of this spell is some
item which was in contact with the creature, up to
the casters level in turns previously.

Level: Third
Range: Special
Components: V, S, M
Duration: 1d4 rounds + 1 round/level
Casting Time: 3
Area of Effect: 20 Radius
Saving Throw: None
With this spell, the caster is able to illuminate
the tracks of any creature of which he has a some item
that was previously in contact with the creature not
longer than a number of turns equal to the casters
level ago. The item could be anything from a shirt
to a scrap of hair or a drop of blood. The tracks
are only visible to the caster, and only tracks upon
a solid surface within the area of effect (which moves
with the caster) are visible. Tracks through air or
water are not visible, however, if the caster is able to
reach the spot where the trail continues, the caster
may resume tracking.
It is up to the caster to determine which direction leads to the most recent tracks (i.e. which are
coming and which are going), although the spell does
illuminate a footprint of the being which is being
tracked. The spell will allow the caster to track the
being if it climbed walls, and even if it tried to obscure its path, by throwing dirt over it. Objects over
3 thick covering the path, however, do obscure it.
The material component of the spell is something which had been in contact with the creature
to be tracked, up to the casters level in turns previously. Once the spell is cast, the caster need not
carry the item with him.

Kallesins Spell Load (Evocation)

Level: Sixth
Range: Special
Components: V, S, M
Duration: Special
Casting Time: Special
Area of Effect: Caster
Saving Throw: None

With this spell, the caster is able to store

one spell for every three levels he possesses (i.e. two
at fourth, three at seventh, etc). The caster paints
the spells around himself as runes, in effect, casting
them, a process taking one turn per spell. The spells
are now hung around the caster, and can be released by command, an action taking one segment.
If the caster concentrates, glowing runes representing the remaining spells in the load will appear
about the caster and visible only to the caster. The
caster must specify in the casting of the load what the
verbal or somatic commands are to be for the release
of each spell. The caster also determines the appearance of each representative rune. Detect magic will
reveal the presence of the spell load, and True Sight
will allow the caster to see the rune representations
of the spells in the load.
Sonorics Lodestone (Divination)
A spell load gets two saves versus a Dispel
Magic cast at it. First, it gets the mages saving
Level: Second
throw versus magic, and if that fails, it has a 100%
Range: Special
chance of being dispelled, minus 5% for each level the
Components: V, S, M
spell-load caster has greater than that of the dispelDuration: 1d4 rounds + 1 round/level
magic caster.
Casting Time: 2
Releasing the spells by command takes only
Area of Effect: Special
one segment for initiative purposes, and the caster
Saving Throw: None
can release two spells per round, although, if two
spells are released, there is a (50 casters level)%
Using this spell, the caster is able to deter- chance that the load spell will be broken, and they
mine the general direction of a creature within the will all go off. No more than six spells can be set into
one mile, per every three levels of the caster. (i.e. a spell load.
two mile range at fourth level, three at seventh, etc).
Material components are a diamond tipped
This direction sense last for the duration of the spell stylus, worth at least 1000 GP, and an amount of
regardless of the movement of the caster or the crea- molten gold, with which the runes are painted. The
ture. If the distance between the caster and the target gold is consumed in the casting of the spell, but the
95

stylus is still usable. The runes are visible to all during the casting of the spell load, and they flare briefly
when the spell they represent is cast.

Sonorics Illusionary Observer

(Divination, Illusion/Phantasm)
Level: Fifth
Range: 100 yards/level
Components: V, S, M
Duration: Special
Casting Time: One Turn
Area of Effect: Special
Saving Throw: None

Sonorics Animal Awareness

(Divination, Enchantment/Charm)
Level: Fourth
Range: Special
Components: V, S, M
Duration: Special
Casting Time: 4
Area of Effect: One Animal
Saving Throw: Neg.

This spell creates the illusion of a creature, up

to Medium in size, through which the caster gains the
advantage of a clairaudience and clairvoyance spell.
The caster must determine the appearance of the illusionary observer, during the casting of the spell. If
it is a creature the caster is not familiar with, observers of the illusion are at +4 to notice it as such.
If the caster has an accurate drawing or carving of the
illusionary subject, observers are at 4 to spot the illusion. Those successfully noticing the illusion see it
merely become translucent. The illusion is incapable
of making any sounds, and is completely insubstantial, even if someone touching it is unaware that it is
an illusion.
The illusion has a movement rate of 30, and
it is capable of passing through solid objects, all save
lead, the touch of which cancels the spell. The caster
must carefully concentrate on the illusion (i.e. incapable of other action) to use the clairaudience and
clairvoyance powers, as well as keeping the appearance realistic. If the caster breaks concentration for
some reason, the illusion freezes in whatever position
it was in, until the caster resumes concentration or
the spell expires.
The material components for this spell are a
bit of fleece and the eye and ear of a humanoid.

With this spell, the caster is able to take control any any small (size Tiny) creature of less than 1+
HD in his line of sight. If the creature is above animal intelligence, it gets a saving throw versus spells, a
successful save indicating spell failure. The creature
is at 4 to save if the caster has a good grip on it for
the duration of the spells casting. Those creatures of
a non-magical nature of less then animal intelligence
do not get a save. Those of a magical nature get a
save at 4.
Once the caster has control of the animal
(and is concentrating), he can experience sensations
through the animal. He can also control the animals
actions, even special movement, such as flying, swimming and burrowing, although, if the caster attempts
to get the creature to attack something not below itself on the food chain, the animal has a (75 casters
level)% chance of escaping the grip of the spell. While
concentrating on the animal, the caster is incapable
of any other action.
The caster can maintain control of the animal up to 100 yards away, per level of the caster.
Those seeing the controlled animal will notice any
strange behavior it may be exhibiting if they make
the appropriate perception checks (q.v. House Rules: Gaseous Form (Alteration)
Perception). The spell is broken if the caster ceases
Level: Third
concentration, or if the animal takes more than 4 HP
Range: Touch
of damage. Otherwise, the spell lasts for a turn per
three levels of the caster (i.e. two turns at fourth,
Components: V, S
three at seventh, etc).
Duration: 1d6 rounds + 1 round/level
The material component of the spell is a bit
Casting Time: 3
of food that the target animal would find appetizing
Area of Effect: Creature Touched
which is consumed by the caster in the casting of the
Saving Throw: Neg.
spell.

This spell allows the caster to turn the creature touched into a pink cloud of gas, for the duration
of the spell. If the creature touched is an unwilling
recipient of the spell, he gets a save, with a successful
save negating the spell.
96

The spells effects are identical to that of the

Potion of gaseous form, with regards to movement
rates, and the effects of a Gust of Wind spell, though
the caster, if he casts the spell on himself, can turn
non-gaseous at any time.
Kalessins Long Arm (Conjuration)
Level: Fifth
Range: 20 Feet
Components: V, S, M
Duration: Special
Casting Time: 5
Area of Effect: Special
Saving Throw: None

tions (save vs. spells at 4 to break spell), and begins

mimicking the most recent actions of the target, provided the actions occurred within the area of effect.
The spell does not allow the caster to mimic actions
of which he is incapable, such as climbing walls, or
broad jumping 20, and the caster merely imitates any
spells the target may have cast, and doesnt actually
cast the spell (although observers may recognize the
spell he is attempting to cast). If the target did something which would take it outside of the area of effect,
such as rapid movement beyond the abilities of the
caster or teleportation, the spell is broken.
The caster must decide how far back in time
he would like to begin mimicking the actions of the
target. The actions of the target may take the caster
beyond the original area of effect, but there is a 10
radius sphere over which is determined whether or
not the target left the area of effect.
The caster has the option of casting such
movement spells as fly and feather fall, prior to
Trance, to facilitate movement such as climbing, and
even flying, and to take the pain out of such actions
as falling (if the target was a clutz). The target must
be man sized and humanoid.
The casters trance will be broken by such
things as damage, slapping, and other unpleasant
stimuli.

This spell allows the caster to cast various

spells requiring physical contact at range. The
caster must have a clear view of the creature to be
touched, and there can be no obstructions between
target and caster.
To use this spell, the caster first casts Long
Arm, then whatever spell he wants to do at range,
in the following round. If the caster is disturbed following the casting of Long Arm, the spell is ruined.
Disturbance could be anything from heavy jostling to
actually taking damage. If the target moves out of
sight before the caster can get off the second spell,
the the spell is ruined. The target gets regular saving Mimic (Enchantment/Charm)
throws for the second spell.
Level: Fourth
The material component of this spell is a jade
Range: 10 feet/level
tipped wand which disappears after casting.
Components: V, S, M
Sonorics Trance
Duration: 1 round/level
(Divination, Enchantment/Charm)
Casting Time: Four
Area of Effect: One Creature
Level: Third
Saving Throw: Neg.
Range: Special
Components: V, S, M
This spell forces some humanoid creature in
Duration: 1 round/level
the casters line of sight to begin mimicking his acCasting Time: 3
tions. The creatures actions will directly reflect those
of the caster, regardless of position or orientation.
Area of Effect: 10 foot radius
The creature will be frozen momentarily at the onset
Saving Throw: None
of the spell, but after that segment of inaction, the
This spell allows the caster to mimic the ac- creature begins mimicking the caster.
This can be potentially harmful for the target,
tions of a creature, provided the actions occurred
within a number of turns equal to the casters level. if say for example, the caster waves his hand in the
During the casting of the spell, the caster must touch vicinity of his neck, and the target happens to be
some object which the target creature was in contact wielding a sword.
with for at least a round, and that contact must not
Once the spell is cast, the caster need not be
have occurred more than the casters level in hours able to see the target for the target to mimic his acpreviously.
tions. The target does get a second save if forced
Upon casting the spell, the caster goes into to do actions that are obviously lethal, such as the
a trance, during which he loses all control of his ac- aforementioned-hand waving. If the target passes
97

outside of the range of the magic, the spell is broken.

The material component of the spell is a small
ivory figurine which is broken to bits in the casting
of the spell.
Sonorics Spying Minions
(Divination/Conjuration/Summoning)
Level: Fourth
Range: Special
Components: V, S, M
Duration: 1 hour + 1 turn/level
Casting Time: 1 turn
Area of Effect: Special
Saving Throw: None

each individual etherling summoned, and may cast

the spell more than once during its duration (allowing him to summon a virtual horde), as the spell requires no concentration after the initial casting. An
etherlings instructions can be facilitated by pictures
(as in Follow this (point to) man. . . the one in the
painting... etc. It is up to the DM to decide the
chance of the etherling getting confused, and screwing up the task. I suggest that it have a 100% chance
of getting the task right, -1% for each word in the description (i.e. 10 words, 90% chance), giving a bonus
for things such as pictures, and other helpful examples. If the etherling should encounter any mentally
straining problems, such as if its mark (he whom it
is tailing or spying upon) teleports away, or disguises
its features, casts illusions, etc, make an intelligence
check for the etherling, modified by the situation. If
the etherling fails, it is hopelessly confused, and returns to the Ethereal plane. The caster must take
care to give the etherling tasks which it can complete
within the duration of the spell, as the etherling returns to the Ethereal Plane at the end of the spells
duration.
Some examples of tasks given to etherlings
would be Go to the chamber at the end of the hall,
stay there, and return to me in 20 mins, to tell me
what you heard and saw., or Go to this room in the
tower of the castle, and bring me back a book that
looks like this. . . or Find this man, follow him for
half an hour, and return to me, telling me what you
witnessed or Find this man, and tell him Banquo.
The game is thick. and similar such things. Etherlings are intelligent enough to follow the spirit of the
commands, provided they are simple enough. Etherlings have an innate sense of direction, and will not
get lost on the Prime Material plane. They have the
mentalities of young children. They will only perform
service on the material plane.
The material components of the spell are small
figurines, one for each etherling to be summoned.
They must be fairly detailed, and are consumed in
the casting of the spell.

This spell summons minor etherlings from the

Ethereal Plane, to serve the casters wishes. Etherlings, being rather stupid and weak, are only suited
for simple tasks, such as spying. Upon summoning
the creatures, the caster must detail, in simple language, what service he wishes the etherlings to perform. The etherlings, in their stupidity, will be honored by the request for service, and will perform the
task to the best of their abilities and comprehension.
A minor etherling (AC:2 MV:60 HD:2 #AT:1
D:1-3), is a small, vaguely humanoid appearing creature, formed of the stuff of the plane ethereal. On the
prime material plane, it appears as a hazy, humanoidshaped, ghostly apparition, about 3 tall. It moves by
flying, and is unobstructed by walls and solid objects,
save lead, the touch of which sends it back to the
ethereal plane. It is fairly stupid (INT: 5), although
extremely talkative, and puppyish in its affection for
the caster. The etherling will do its best to please
the caster, to the point of becoming annoying. It
does have some special abilities, making it particularly useful, however. It has a photographic memory,
and will never forget what it saw and heard during
its period of service. It also has the ability to turn
small objects (one at a time), weighing less than five
pounds, ethereal, allowing it to transport the item.
It can also turn itself invisible at will, although those Sonorics Superior Minions
(Divination/Conjuration/Summoning)
able to see onto the ethereal plane will be able to see
it clearly. It can push its movement rate up to 120,
Level: Fifth
for up to a turn at a time. It can only attack things
Range: Special
on the ethereal plane, and even there not very effecComponents: V, S, M
tively. Finally, the fact that it only partially exists
Duration: 1 hour + 1 turn/level
on the Prime Material plane during the spell means
Casting Time: 1 turn
that it is only hit by magic weapons and spells.
Area of Effect: Special
The spell summons one etherling per three levels of the caster, one at first, two at fourth, three at
Saving Throw: None
seventh, etc. The caster can detail a separate task for
98

This spell summons a major etherling, from

the Ethereal Plane, to do the casters bidding. Major
Etherlings are fairly intelligent, although they still
suffer from summoner-awe. The caster summons one
etherling per five levels, for example two at sixth,
three at eleventh, etc. The summoned etherlings are
eager to serve the caster, and they are capable of more
complicated tasks than their lesser brethren.

Note: If you use common sense in the

ruling of these spells, they can be
rather useful, even humorous.
I
would urge DMs to give the etherlings personality; make minor etherlings eager to please, amusing simpletons. Their descriptions of events,
though accurate, will be colored by
their personalities, much to the chagrin of the caster, who must translate their rantings into useful information. If you are an evil DM, you
may want to give each spell a 10%
chance of summoning a capricious
etherling who will lie like crazy and
generally make a mess of things.

A major etherling (AC:0 MV:60 HD:4 #AT:2

D: 1-3/1-3 INT:12) is a man-sized, transparent,
humanoid-appearing creature, formed of the stuff of
the plane ethereal. They have some control over their
appearance on the Prime Material plane, although,
regardless of form, they have blurry outlines and are
partially transparent. They also moves by flight, although they are sophisticated enough to give the illusion of walking. Being mostly on the ethereal plane,
they are able to pass through solid objects, save lead, Ahrvars Instant Offensiveness
(Enchantment/ Charm)
the touch of which, if failing a save versus paralyzation, returns them to the Ethereal plane, canceling
Level: Second
the spell. Major etherlings are fairly intelligent, and
Range: 120 yards
have a 20% chance of knowing any specific minor lore,
Components: V, S
although they will answer such a question only once.
Duration: 2 rounds/level
A major etherling will be stricken with extreme reCasting Time: 1
spect for the summoner, and will attempt to follow
Area of Effect: 1 person
the spirit of its commands to the best of its ability.
Saving Throw: Neg
It has the ability to turn small items, of less than ten
pounds in weight, ethereal, allowing it to transport
This spell effects any single, intelligent creathe item. It may only carry one such item at a time,
ture it is cast upon. By intelligent, it is meant any
however. It too has a photographic memory.
creature with a rudimentary form of spoken language.
This includes humans, demi-humans, humanoids, inMajor etherlings are capable of performing
telligent monsters, etc. The victim receives a saving
complicated tasks, and can grasp abstract concepts.
throw vs. spell to avoid the effect, with the appropriOnce given a task, they will remain on the Prime Maate adjustments due to Wisdom. If the victim fails
terial plane until the task is complete, or the spells
his save, the victims speech immediately becomes ofduration expires. One advantage the major etherfensive to all who can understand the language the
lings possess over their lesser brethren, however, is
victim is using. The victim, however, only hears what
their ability to move into the Ethereal Plane and rehe thinks he is saying, and may become extremely cuturn to the Prime Material plane, essentially telerious as to why everybody is mad at him. The words
porting. They are also capable of completing tasks
of the victim become so offensive, in fact, they act
on the Ethereal plane, as well as the Prime Material.
as a low-power Taunt spell, with those hearing and
Again, an intelligence check is required for particucomprehending the victims speech making a save vs
larly baffling problems encountered, and if the task
magic at +4, or else be consumed with a mindless deis rendered somehow incompletable, and the ethersire to bash the victims head in. Each person within
ling makes an intelligence check, it will return to the
hearing of the victim will hear whatever would be
caster, and inform him of the problem, before returnconsidered most offensive by them. The caster is the
ing to the ethereal plane (for good).
only one able to hear what is actually spoken by the
victim, and is thereby immune to the taunt effect.
Being dual-plane beings, they are only hit by
The components of this spell are the command
magic weapons and spells. The material components word and a subtle pointing motion by the caster at
of this spell are jade figurines, one for each etherling the target.
to be summoned.
99

Ahrvars Forgery (Alteration)

Level: First
Range: Touch
Components: V, S, M
Duration: 1 round/level
Casting Time: 1
Area of Effect: Caster
Saving Throw: None
With this spell, the caster is able to perfectly
duplicate any style of handwriting of which he has a
sizable sample. The forgery is good enough to fool
even the closest scrutinization, although it does radiate faint magic.
The caster merely casts the spell and begins
writing. His handwriting will perfectly match that
of the sample for the length of the spells duration.
Those watching the caster write will believe that the
handwriting on the page is actually that of the caster,
unless of course they witness the casting of the spell
which may make them rather suspicious. The caster
need not be writing the entire duration of the spell;
he is free to stop and resume writing any number
of times within the duration. Also, the caster only
needs the handwriting sample to be copied during
the initial casting of the spell.
The material component of this spell is a sample of the handwriting to be copied (containing an
example of every letter in the alphabet to be used)
and a writing instrument.
Caligulas Vitality Drain (Alteration)
Level: Eighth
Range: Touch
Components: V, S, M
Duration: Special
Casting Time: 7
Area of Effect: Special
Saving Throw: None

charmed victims a new saving throw. Even if the victim is conscious, however, the draining will continue.
The victim must break flesh contact with the mage
to break the spell.
The caster is able to drain a decade for every four levels he possesses i.e. 20 years at fifth, 30
at ninth, 40 at 13th, etc). Each year takes a segment to drain, a decade drained per round. If the
spell is broken during casting, the caster will still
have drained a number of years dependent on time
of casting (e.g. contact broken after 2 rounds, 20
years drained). Due to the imperfect nature of the
spell, however, the caster only reduces in age by a
year for every three drained from the victim.
Both caster and victim will be affected by the
change in age. The victim will only suffer the disadvantages of aging (STR and CON loss), whereas
the caster will only experience the benefits (STR and
CON gain). After the spell, the victim will have visibly aged, with greying hair and lined, saggy skin. The
caster will appear invigorated, with grey disappearing from his hair and the obvious return of muscle
tone. The victim must save vs. paralyzation or pass
out for d4 turns, if he is drained more than 20 years.
The caster will experience a temporary d4 increase
in STR (not including that gained from becoming
younger), which will fade by 1 point per turn. The
caster will also feel as if inebriated, an affect which
persists for d6 rounds.
This spell is only effective on humans. Long
lived races, such as elves and dwarves, as well as humanoid races, are immune to the spell, and the caster
must save vs. paralyzation or be knocked unconscious
if attempting to drain a member of these races.
Finally, there is no known cure for this spell
save a Wish. The material component of this spell is
a scrap of flesh from a vampire which must be consumed by the caster.
Inertia (Alteration)

This terrible spell allows the caster to drain

the youth from a victim, revitalizing himself at the
expense of aging the victim. It is hardly a spell used
by good-aligned mages.
The caster first prepares the spell by casting
the eight-phase portion of it. He then has his level
in rounds to make contact with the victim, and begin draining. To drain the youth of the victim, the
caster must be in continuous contact with the flesh
of the victim during the draining process. The act
of being drained is extremely painful to the victim,
and is sufficient to awaken sleeping victims and allow

Level: Fourth
Range: 20 yards/level
Components: V, S, M
Duration: 1 turn/level
Casting Time: 4
Area of Effect: I creature or object
Saving Throw: Neg
This spell allows the caster to freeze one creature or object up to 100 pounds per level, limit regardless of orientation. Creatures flying through the
air would be frozen in place (remaining in the air), immovable until the second command word. The caster

100

is free to cast this spell upon himself. If the subject

of the spell is unwilling, a saving throw vs. magic is
permitted.
The caster must point at the creature or object to be stopped and utter the first command word.
If the spell is successful (guaranteed in the case of
objects within the casters weight limit), the item is
frozen in the air, immovable, unless a dispel magic
or other such spell is cast or until the caster utters
the second command word. Upon saying the second
command word, the object or creature resumes its
initial motion. For example, casting this spell upon
a falling chest, would stop the chest in the air. Upon
the second command, the chest would resume falling,
even if someone had climbed on top of it. If some
poor slob happened to be standing directly beneath
the chest at the time of the second command. . . If cast
at a knight on a horse, for example, the caster must
specify mount or rider. If cast at the mount, the rider
would probably continue on his original course, just
without his mount. Cast on the rider, he would stay
hanging in the air as his mount runs away.
Physical force is insufficient to move frozen objects, so they could, for example, be used as anchors
for ropes, etc. The caster must be able to see the
majority of the object of the spell, so he couldnt,
for example, cast it upon something in somebodys
backpack.
The material component of the spell is a silver
whistle which is blown prior to shouting the command
word.

Patriotism is the last refuge of the

scoundrel.
Samuel Johnson
With all due respect to an enlightened but
inferior lexicographer, I beg to submit that
it is the first.
Ambrose Bierce

101

House Rules
Tim Prestero

Trevor Paquette

Jim Vassilakos

Here

are a few house rules which you might find

handy.

Using Perception

Perception
The perception stat can be used as a catch-all chance
to notice things in general, for example, being folPerception (PER) measures a characters awareness, lowed, or obvious traps. Depending on the difficulty
their ability to notice minor details, and generally of noticing whatever the DM is checking for, penalties
a measure of how much attention they pay to the and bonuses can be applied to the characters chance.
world around them. It can affect a characters ability The DM rolls a d20 and if the result is equal to or
to notice things like pick pockets attempts, hidden or less than the modified stat, the check was successful.
concealed objects, and general details about a person This is a great way to inform characters of events
transpiring about them, without feeling too obvious.
or object.

by Tim Prestero

PER
01
02
03
04
05
06
0712
13
14
15
16
17
18
19

Thief Find/
Remove Traps
30%
25%
20%
15%
10%
05%
norm
norm
norm
norm
norm
+5%
+10%
+15%

Thief Detect
Noise
20%
20%
15%
10%
05%
norm
norm
norm
norm
+05%
+10%
+10%
+15%
+15%

Notice Secret
Doors
1 in 20
2 in 16
1 in 12
1 in 10
1 in 10
1 in 8
1 in 6
1 in 6
1 in 6
3 in 12
3 in 12
2 in 6
5 in 12
3 in 6

Above 19 is considered beyond the range of humanoid

perception.

+1 to notice concealed doors

See complicated pick pockets version

Bonus to Notice
Pick Pockets
20%
15%
10%
05%
norm
norm
norm
norm
norm
+05%
+10%
+15%
+20%
+25%

Amazingly Simple System

for Picking Pockets

When a thief attempts to pick someones pocket, only

one roll of the percentile dice is required. First, compare the result to the thiefs percentage chance. If
Elves and half elves, being rather sharp-eyed the roll was equal to or less than that number, the
races, gain a +1 bonus to their initial perception stat. result was successful.
Half Orcs, being rather ignorant and brutish, suffer
Now, to see if the victim notices the attempt,
a 1 penalty to their initial perception stat.
first subtract the victims PER, plus the difference in
Elves use the perceptionrelated chance to no- levels between thief and target from 100 (for examtice secret and concealed doors, not the PHB version. ple, 5th level fighter with 15 PER is robbed by a 7th
level thief. 15+(57)=13, 10013=87). If the thiefs
attempted roll for picking pockets is above this num

102

ber, even if the attempt was successful, the victim

noticed the attempt, and the fun begins. Equal to,
or below that number, and the thief is off the hook.
Now, this system makes it easier for the thief
to pick pockets, but it is fairly simple. For those
wanting complication. . .

Amazingly Complicated System

for Picking Pockets
Well, the chance for thief success is the same. As for
the victim noticing the attempt, here is how it works.
Multiply the victims level by three, add the
victims PER adjustment (see table), and add or subtract the difference in levels between thief and victim. Take this sum, and subtract it from 100. If
the thiefs roll was above this number, the excrement
doth hit the whirling blades, for the victim notices
the attempt, successful or not. Equal to or less than
the number, the thief lives to steal again.
EXAMPLE: A 10th level fighter with a 16 PER
(+10%), is approached by a 3rd level thief,
with a 55% Pick Pocket. Poor thief rolls 67%.
The chance of the fighter catching on is [30
(3level) + 10 (PER adj) + (103) (Level diff)]
47%. Subtracted from 100, this yields 53. The
thief, having rolled 67%, not only blew the PP
attempt (by not rolling under 55%), but also got
caught (by rolling over 53%, and. . . is now being
chased by enraged Fighter.

Box Scores
by Trevor Paquette
One thing about AD&D has really bugged our group
for sometime now. The notion that players should get
extra xp for having high stats is not fair for others.
Having high stats makes things easier for that player.
You should get bonus experience for having low stats
and surviving.
This what we do:
For each stat of 14 or lower the can add 1 to
their box score. So a player with stats of 17, 17, 16,
9, 13, 15 would have a box score of 2.
At the end of the session when the GM is giving out experience, he/she also gives a box score modifier. This number is in the range (usually of 0 to 5).
This reflects how hard the session was. No difficulty
is a modifier of 0; damn hard and our characters all
died would be a 5.
The box score is then multiplied by the box
score modifier to give the percentage bonus. So (with
the the previous stats mentioned) if the GM assigns a
modifier of 3 the bonus would be 6%. A modifier of 5
is a 10% bonus. This evens things out all around for
all players. Those with higher stats (i.e. my Paladin)
do not get as high a bonus as say the thief.
Trevor Paquette
[email protected]
{ubc-cs,utai,alberta}!calgary!paquette
ITA Inverse Theory & Applications, Calgary, Alberta

In general, give bystanders a chance to notice

the attempt as well, by having them make a PER
check at 12 PER in both systems.
Tim Prestero
[email protected]
[email protected]
University of California, Davis

Doubt. Such a gray word. The color of

shadows. Now you have me doubting one of
my boys. A gray feeling, that. Perhaps in
the shadows, the dividing line between good
and evil has become difficult to see.

That which does not kill you makes you

stronger. Nietzche
That which you kill makes you stronger.
Gygax

Grimjack #7, Shadows of Doubt

103

Throwing Things Around

in Champions

Damage

Now for the fun part, determining damage. The number of dice rolled for damage is determined by the
velocity and strength of the object. (This bizzare
Superheros and villains alike are always tossing things formula was derived from an existing one in the rulearound: cars, trees, other heros, etc. Here are the book)
# Dice Rolled
rules we use for such situations.

by Tim Prestero

Thrown Velocity

After the hero or villain selects his appropriate missile, consult the throwing table on p.174 of the 3rd
edition rules to find the max range he has with that
object. The velocity of the thrown object is max
range minus range to target.
Velocity on
impact

Max range
(in )

Dist to target
(in )

Example: Titan (STR 100) is throwing a car (1600

kg) at Grond, who is 10 hexes (10) away. Consulting the strength chart, Titan exceeds the required strength to lift the car by 70 points, giving
him a max range (from a standing throw) of 28.
Grond is 10 away, so the car is moving at 18
per segment if and when it reaches him.

Strength
5

V elocity on Impact
3

round up

This is normal damage, BODY is calculated in

the normal manner for a non-killing attack, and the
victim subtracts his defenses from the stun and body
inflicted. If the damage is decided to be killing damage, such as sharp, spiky objects, divide the number
of dice by three, and call it a killing attack, rolling
for the stun multiplier.
Example: Crash! The car hits poor Grond. The
car was moving at 18 ( 18
3 = 6 dice), and had a
strength of 17 ( 17
'
6
dice),
yielding a total of
3
12 dice. Had it been a huge spike of the same
weight and strength, it would would have been
a 4d6 killing attack ( 12
3 = 4).

Closing Notes

Remember to check the range modifiers on p.174 to

determine how the shape of the object affects how far
2 Falling Velocity
it can be thrown.
The thrown object takes half of the BODY it
A falling object striking our hero works on the same inflicts, after subtracting for DEF. Therefore, an obconcept. After determining how far the object has ject cannot inflict more than twice its own BODY (it
fallen, consult the chart on p.175 to find its velocity would be destroyed see above).
on impact.

6
3

Fastball Specials

Item Strength

Human projectiles, thrown by willing teammates.

Another tactic loved by heros and villains. To find
The next thing to do is determine the strength of
the velocity of the thrown person, check the throwing
the object, which gives a measure of how much damtable om p.174 (willing heros can be considered aeroage it is capable of inflicting. The strength of the obdynamic, 2), calculate how much velocity remains
ject is defense (DEF), plus its BODY. An item can
after striking the target, and figure damage using the
never inflict more body than twice its own body.
Move By or Move Through rules (pgs 154155)
Example: The car being thrown by Titan has 3
DEF, and 14 BODY. This results in a strength 7
Throwing the Unwilling
of 17. The car could never inflict more than 28
BODY (2 its BODY) on Grond, or anyone for The thrower must complete a successful Grab. Held
characters are at 21 DCV. The thrower decides where
that matter.
104

he wants to throw the victim, figures the victims velocity on impact, and rolls to hit vs. half the victims
DCV. A failed roll means the victim was dropped
for no damage, on a randomly determined hex-side.
Damaged incurred in a successful throw is reduced in
a manner similar to Knockback, as far as breakfall,
impacting on horizontal surfaces, etc.
Someone thrown from a height has gravity aiding their descent, though gravity alone will not push
their velocity above 30.

In my game, the spellcaster class consists of

illusionists, clerics/priests, druids/naturalists, and a
ton of other magic-using character-types. In terms of
normal combat, the whole lot is considered a basket
of wimps.
An individual also is allotted a number of
attribute-based combat points (ACPs) based on
strength and dexterity.

Score
3
4
5
6
7
16
17
18
18/01-50
18/51-99
18/00
19
20

Example: Thrown downwards with, 8 thrust, from

75 = 8 + [25 (from gravity)] = 30 max. 38
thrust from 200 = 38 + [30 (g)] = 38 max.
As one can see from the example, you use the
full velocity at time of throwing to determine velocity at impact, as the object does NOT slow down as
it approaches the ground (the horizontal component
of velocity is not diminished in horizontally thrown
objects, but I use a reduced velocity as a convention
to keep damage realistic, or at least non-game unbalancing). Also, the added velocity is variable, as is
hopefully illustrated by the examples.
For reference, 1/segment is approximately 4.5
mph.

Combat Points
Str
Dex
3
3
2
2
2
1
1
0
1
0
0
+1
+1
+2
+1
+2
+1
+2
+3
+3
+3
+3
+3

Note: Strength ACPs are neither given (or taken)

with respect to device-driven missile weapons
(bows, crossbows, slings, blowguns, etc. . . ) nor
with respect to small-sized hurled weapons
(thrown daggers or darts, etc. . . )
unless
such weapons are specifically designed with the
wielders strength in mind. Of course, such special weapons are few and far between.

Yet Another Screwy

Combat System
by Jim Vassilakos
Heres a customized AD$Dv1/v2 hybrid combat system with less noise in some places and more in others.
Feel free to slash and flame as you see fit.

Weaponed Combat
Combat Points

A characters ACPs may be reduced by the

wearing of heavy armor (or carrying of a heavy load).
What constitutes heavy is determined in turn by the
wielders strength (we play encumbrance very loosely,
using this rule regarding armor as compensation). If
a character does not meet the minimum strength requirement for his armor, he sustains a penalty to his
ACP.

An individual earns a number of basic combat

proficiencies (BCPs) based on his level and class as
follows:
Fighters/Warriors: One BCP for every level after
first
Thiefs/Scouts: One BCP for every two levels after
first
SpellCasters : One BCP for every three levels after
first.
105

Armor
Leather
Studded Leather
Ring
Chain
Banded
Scale
Plate
Field Plate
Full Plate

ACP Penalty for Low

1
2
3
34

35

46
3

57
34

68
35

810
57
34
1012
79
46
1214 911 68
1315 1012 79

Str
4

3
35
36

An individual also is allotted a number of Comments from the playtesters: The introducweapon-based combat points to be determined by his
tion of floating combat points leads to more delevel of specialization and the magical-bonus, if any,
cision making during hack & slash but can have
of his weapon (WCPs).
a tendency to slow down combat if not handled
properly. It has been argued that the CP system tends to de-power dexterity and increase the
WCP
importance of strength in combat. By extreme
Specialization
1
placement of their total combat points, characDouble-Spec
3
ters can attain lower thac0s & ACs than otherwise possible. The CP system has been tested
The individuals number of combat points are
for less than one year; thus, the reader is advised
then computed per weapon:
to apply it with caution.
CP = ACP + BCP + W CP

Pummeling Combat

These are then divided equally between fixed

(XCP) and floating (FCP) combat points (the roundoff going to floating).
With the fixed combat points, the character
may subtract points from either his Armor Class or
Thac0, but must decide once and once only where
the points are to be allotted. The floating combat
points, however, may be allotted on a round by round
basis, the indicating the degree to which the character
wishes to be offensive or defensive in combat.

An individual may pummel his opponent by

using a blunt weapon, such as a club or iron bar or
by using the flat end of an edged weapon. The pummeling attack does damage as follows:
Club
Iron Bar
Flat end of edged weapon

d6 damage
d8 damage
50% normal damage

Strength bonuses to damage are of course

taken into consideration, however half of such pummeling damage is temporary, healing at one point per
Example: Shriner is a 10th level hunter (treat as hour of rest.
warrior) with a 16 dexterity wielding a +3
Parrying
two-handed sword which boosts his strength to
18/51. He is double-specialized in the weapon.
By sacrificing an attack, a defender may reduce his effective armor class by half his level. Fighters may reduce their armor class an additional two
ACP = 3
CP = 18
points. Any object may be used to parry attacks,
BCP = 9
XCP = 9
but unsuited object may suffer a penalty.
WCP = 6
FCP = 9
Disarming
Training offensively with the weapon, he splits
An individual may attempt a disarm of any
his nine fixed (XCP) combat points between ar- single-handed weapon which is of a size equivalent
mor class and thac0, one point going to armor or lesser than his own weapon by stating his desire
class and eight going to thac0.
to forego a normal attack for a disarm attack, and
making his to-hit, discounting his opponents armor,
Natural Armor Class (bareskinned): 10
at 4. If his attack is successful and his opponent
Base AC (Studded Leather): 7
fails a save vs petrification, the weapon is considered
XCP going to AC: 1
disarmed and is removed from its wielder by d10 feet
in a random direction. The opponent must either
XCP Adjusted AC: 6
use the next round recovering his dropped weapon,
drawing another, or engaging in weaponless combat.
Natural Thac0: 20
Double-Weaponed Combat
XCP going to Thac0: 8
Any character may fight with two weapons
XCP Adjusted Thac0: 12
provided they are both single-handed and that one
Now he has nine floating (FCP) combat points is significantly smaller than the other. The character
to play around with. Depending on his mood in suffers a penalty of 4 to-hit with each weapon, and
battle, he can bring his AC as low as 3 or his the smaller weapon can only provide one additional
Thac0 as low as 3.
attack per round regardless of proficiency.
106

Weaponless Combat

Knock-out: Knock-outs are considered as stuns for

d10 segments. Characters who go-under on
hitpoints are also KOed.

1. Character declares punch or wrestle.

2. Roll to-hit.
Attack modifiers for wearing armor (in addition
to strength/armor penalties):
Studded Leather
Chain, Ring, Scale
Banded, Splint, Plate
Field Plate
Full Plate

1
2
5
8
10

Holds: If a hold is established, it may held indefinitely until broken. The attacker may roll an
attack for the next round and either take the
results (thus voluntarily breaking the hold) or
leave them and maintain the hold. If the defender rolls a gouge or throw/flip (15) or any critical (20) the hold is automatically broken. Holds
do a point of damage per segment per segment.

Knock-Downs: If a character is knocked down, he

loses the next attack getting back up. During
3. If attack hits, use same roll to find result. Inthat time, standing opponents attack at +3 todividuals with high dexterity (16+), may modhit, get double damage on punch attacks, and
ify their to-hit rolls downward by a number of
double chance to hold on wrestle attacks.
points equal to their dexterity-based ACP bonus
plus their level of brawling proficiency.
Roll d20
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20

Punch
Fumble
Sushi Fist
Woosie Cut
Wild Swing
Side Swipe
Glancing Blow
RibCleave
Rabbit Punch
Sidekick
Belly Smack
Kidney Punch
Jab
Hook
Uppercut
Gouge
Combo
Groin Chrusher
Skull Cracker
Dazed & Confused
Critical Ouchy

Dmg
0
0
0
0
0
1
1
1
1
2
2
2
2
2
3
4
5
6
8
10

%KO
0
0
0
0
0
0
0
0
0
0
0
0
0
0
0
5
10
20
30
40

Wrestle
Fumble
Flounder
ShitStain Mnvr
Failed Grapple
Touch & Go
Push
Power Push
Freefall
LegTackle
Undive
Trip
Turnabout
Arm Lock
Head Lock
Throw/Flip
BodySlam
Lemon Squeeze
Bear Hug
Come to Mama
Smushy Foo

Dmg
0
0
0
0
0
0
1
0
0
1
0
0
0
0
2
4
6
6
6
8

%KO
0
0
0
0
0
0
0
0
0
0
0
0
0
0
0
10
20
20
30
40

%Hld
0
0
0
0
0
0
0
5
10
10
0
0
30
50
0
0
50
50
70
90

%Dwn
0
0
0
0
0
20
40
90
60
60
70
0
10
20
50
90
30
30
40
50

Notes
General Rule: Rolls of 25 are considered null attacks with respect to damage, knock-out, hold,
etc. . .

Brawling Proficiency: Adds +1 to both free combat points and damage rolls per level of proficiency.

Special Attacks
Strength: Str damage bonus is added to damage of
attacks which normally do damage. Bend bars
The freefall attack requires that the attacker
bonus is added to hold, KO, and down percentgo
down
(whether or not a knock-down of the deages.
fender is achieved), however, the defender, if taken
Damage: 12 of damage suffered is temporary (heals down by the attack, must make a dex check to regain
at 1pt/hour). Metal gauntlets or hard boots do footing for the next segment whereas the attackers
an additional d3 for punching/kick attacks.
footing is assured.
107

The turnabout attack is a defensive maneuver

which causes the attacker to be inflicted by his own
attack, going so far as to reverse long-standing holds
so as to give the defender the attackers previous advantage (read with a grain of realism).
Tackling & Pinning
In lieu of punching & wrestling, the attack
may simply attempt to tackle and pin an opponent.
All that is required is a successful to-hit roll for the
tackle, and another for the pin. This roll is modified
four points for every level of size difference between
opponents (I,T,S,M,L,H,G). This roll is further modified 2 for every defenders leg above two (making
it awfully hard to tackle a giant spider). Only up
to three individuals (+/ one per level of size difference) may attempt such an attack against a single
defender during any round, each attacker rolling at
+1 for every additional attacker.
Arbitrary Scale of Sizes
Itty-bitty
less than six inches
Tiny Tim
two feet to six inches
Smallish
24 feet
Medium
48 feet
Largish
815 feet
Humongous 1530 feet
Gargantuan more than thirty feet
Smushing: An attacker of three sizes greater than a
defender may attempt to smush the defender via
a simple to hit roll at 4. On a successful smush,
the defender must make a dex check to get out of
the way or be reduced to a smelly, protoplasmic
carpet-stain.
Grappling with a weapon-holder: By grappling
with a weapon-holder, the attacker gives the
weapon-holder a +4 bonus to both to-hit and
damage.

Fortune favors the bold.

Terence

108

Punching & Martial Arts

A Good Idea, but Poorly Implemented
c
1990
Bradley S. Hall

AD&Dv2

has generated a great deal of controversy Case 2: 7th Level Fighter (AC 3) vs 10th Level
since its introduction and has likewise amassed a
Gladiator (AC -3)
wealth of critics, an undue share many die-hard loyGistor, a 7th level fighter, made the mistake of
alists will contest. Nevertheless, Brad takes a punch
being drunk one evening in the local Tavern,
and a snap-kick at the new rules and introduces a few
and challenging Torbar Skullbreaker, the local
of his own as well-reasoned alternatives.
gladiator (10th level), to a fight. The following
morning, Gistor, being too proud to back down,
The 2nd Edition Players Handbook and The Comagreed to go ahead with the fight.
plete Fighters Handbook offer a new and updated
Before the fight begins, both contestants agree
method for resolving hand to hand and martial arts
to use martial arts since neither one wants to
type combats. This system is a definite improvement
die over this fight. As the fight begins, Gistor
over the 1st Edition system in its simplicity. Howtakes the initiative and makes the first attack.
ever, the way in which the system was simplified leads
He needs a minimum of a 17 to hit the Gladiator.
to some rather blatant logic flaws. By far the worst
On his first attack, he rolls an 18. Thus, he just
problem with this new method involves the amount
barely hit the Gladiator. According to the chart,
of damage and %KO at low levels. Statistically, low
he scores a Vitals-Kick, does 2 points of damage,
level characters have a better chance at a KO than
and has an 8% chance at a KO. Incredible for just
do higher (more experienced) characters. This would
barely hitting the target. The worst Gistor can
seem to be taking beginners luck a little too far! In
do is 2 points of damage and a 5% KO. Torbar,
addition, standard player logic says that the higher
on the other hand, could get anything from 0
the number rolled to hit, the better that hit was.
points of damage and a 1% chance at a KO up to
The new combat method often works contrary to that
3 points of damage with a 15% chance at a KO.
logic. The following three case studies will make it
This fight is obviously not properly balanced.
painfully clear that these problems do exist and are
too blatant to ignore.
Case 1: 2nd level Fighter (AC 4) vs an Orc (AC 7)

Case 3: 2nd Level Fighter (AC 2) vs 10th level

Fighter (AC 2).

Kygell, a 2nd level fighter, is waiting to ambush

an Orc which has been following him through
the woods for the last several miles. When the
Orc comes down the path, Kygell jumps out of a
tree and surprises him. Wanting to keep the Orc
alive for questioning, he will try to knock out the
Orc by punching. He needs a 12 to hit.
On his first punch, he rolls a 13. In most cases,
one would say that he barely hit the Orc. However, according to the chart, a 13 means that
he scored with a hook, does 2 points of damage
(maximum) and has a 9% chance at a KO.
On his second attack, he rolls a 19. In most
players minds, this is a very good hit. However,
according to the chart, a 19 means that he scored
with a wild swing, does no damage and only has
a 1% chance at a KO.
109

Several days after his encounter with the Orc,

Kygell (See Case 1) gets stopped by a highway
bandit (10th level Fighter) who asks him for all
his gold. Kygell, not realizing he is outclassed,
attacks the bandit with his fists.
In most players minds, this is a complete missmatch. Kygell needs a 17 to hit the Bandit while
the bandit only needs a 9 to hit Kygell. Statistically Kygell will hit the bandit 20% of the time
while Bandit can hit him 55% of the time. Lets
assume both opponents are using martial arts.
If we average out the %KO for each opponent,
it would appear that the bandit has an average
of a 4 1/2% chance at a KO when he hits, while
Kygell has an average of a 9 1/2% chance at a
KO if he hits. This simple comparison indicates
that as a fighter increases in level (i.e. experi-

ence), they get worse in their ability to use Martial Arts. This is the opposite of what should be
happening.

On his second swing, the fighter connected with a

punch 7 higher than needed to hit the opponent.
According to the alternative method, he scores
with a Jab, does 2 points of damage and has a
7% chance at a KO. This is much better than
the 0 points of damage with a 1% chance at a
KO from the original method.

It should be obvious by now that this new

and improved combat system doesnt work properly.
However, this doesnt mean you should go back to the
cumbersome system from 1st edition. The following
alternative method is similar to the method above in Case 2:
In this case, Gistor only scores 1 higher than
that it is based on a single die-roll system. However,
he needs to hit the gladiator. Therefore, by the
that is where the similarities end. This alternative
alternative system, he grazed the Gladiator, does
method is used as follows. Simply roll as usual to
no damage and has a 1% chance at a KO. In the
determine if a hit was successful. (All appropriate
original system, his opponent would have been
modifiers from the old system are still applicable.) If
reeling from a blow doing 2 points of damage
the hit is successful, subtract from the to-hit roll the
and having a 7% chance at a KO.
minimum number needed to hit the target. Then use
this difference on appropriate chart below. This will
Case 3:
give the type of blow which was landed, the damIn this case, Kygell, can, at best, only score 4
age done, and the %KO corresponding to that blow.
higher than he needs to hit the bandit. Thus,
Strength and skill bonuses to damage are unchanged.
the best he can get is a low kick, doing 1 point
of damage and having a 2% chance at a KO. The
Alternative Punching Chart
bandit, on the other hand, can score as much as
Diff.
Punch Type
Damage %KO
11 higher than he needs to hit. This gives him
17+ Haymaker
2
25
a Vitals-Kick, doing 2 points of damage with a
15-16 Uppercut
2
25
15% chance at a KO.
13-14 Hook
2
12
If we again look at the averages for this com11-12 Combination
2
10
bat, we see that Kygell has an average of a 1.4%
9-10 Cross
2
9
chance at a KO if he hits. The bandit, on the
7-8
Jab
2
7
other hand, has an average of a 5.8% chance at
5-6
Kidney Punch
1
5
a KO if he hits. This is a much more reasonable
3-4
Rabbit Punch
1
3
situation considering the large disparity in their
0-2
Wild Swing
0
2
levels.

Alternative Martial Arts Chart

Diff.
15+
13-14
11-12
9-10
7-8
5-6
3-4
0-2

Punch Type
Head Punch
High Kick
Vitals-Kick
Vitals-Punch
Side Kick
Body Punch
Low Kick
Graze

Damage
3
2
2
2
1
1
1
0

It has been shown that the new and improved combat system for punching and martial arts
as presented in the 2nd Edition Players Handbook
and The Complete Fighter are seriously flawed with
respect to maintaining a proper fighting balance between experience levels. The concept of a single die
roll system is outstanding. However, the implementation of this concept needs help. An alternative
method like that presented here can make this concept more realistic and more fun to use.

%KO
30
20
15
12
8
4
2
1

Lets now reexamine the three cases discussed

earlier.
Case 1:
On his first swing, the fighter in this case only
scored 1 higher than he needed to hit. Therefore,
according to the alternative method, he hit with
a wild swing, does no damage, and has a 2%
chance at a KO. Much more reasonable than 2
points of damage and a 9% chance at a KO.
110

Imagine if there were no hypothetical situations. . .

Bill Hunter
[email protected]
Sun Microsystems, Denver, Co.

Thirty-Six Plots
c
1990
Loren J. Miller
[email protected]

To

plot or not to plot. The controversy over the

GMs role in role-playing rages on. Loren reminds
the astute reader of thirty-six arguments in favor of
the plotted campaign.

1. Supplication: Persecutor, Suppliant, a Power in Authority

Some

4. Vengeance by Family upon Family: Avenging Kinsman, Guilty Kinsman, Relative

folx have been complaining about plotted

games, and I have come to speak out in defense of
plot, to show that plotted games arent that bad, and
to share some nice tools to help you plot stories.
Assuming a RPG is like a story, what are the
different structural parts of the story and how do they
work in the RPG?
Plot. basic form of the story, includes major
incidents and encounters. decided by the GM.
subplots can be partially or totally the work of
players.
Theme and strategy. how do the PCs go about
solving their problems?
Character. the GM provides lots of characterization, players still provide the bulk of all characterizations.
Dialogue. jointly the job of players and GM,
though mostly the players job.

2. Deliverance: Unfortunates, Threatener, Rescuer

3. Revenge: Avenger, Criminal

5. Pursuit: Fugitive from Punishment, Pursuer

6. Victim of Cruelty or Misfortune: Unfortunates, Master or Unlucky Person
7. Disaster: Vanquished Power, Victorious Power or
Messenger
8. Revolt: Tyrant, Conspirator(s)
9. Daring Enterprise: Bold Leader, Goal, Adversary
10. Abduction: Abductor, Abducted, Guardian
11. Enigma : Interrogator, Seeker, Problem
12. Obtaining: Two or more Opposing Parties, Object,
maybe an Arbitrator
13. Familial Hatred: Two Family Members who hate
each other
14. Familial Rivalry: Preferred Kinsman, Rejected Kinsman, Object
15. Murderous Adultery: Two Adulterers, the Betrayed
16. Madness: Madman, Victim

Setting. the GMs job.

Those who argue against storytelling within
RPGs seem to say that the GMs only jobs are setting and character (and maybe dialogue) and that
plot isnt important, much like slice of life writers
argue with more traditional writers over the proper
structure of short stories.
I dont agree, though I cant give a short reason why. Instead, Ill look at how to construct a plot
for a story and how it would be done in an RPG.
First, the thirty-six dramatic plots as interpreted
from Georges Poltis work, The 36 Basic Plots.
Each short plot description starts with the title of the plot pattern. After a colon the main characters to be found in the plot are given, separated by
commas.

17. Fatal Imprudence: Imprudent person, Victim or lost

object
18. Involuntary Crimes of Love: Lover, Beloved, Revealer
19. Kinsman Kills Unrecognized Kinsman: Killer, Unrecognized Victim, Revealer
20. Self Sacrifice for an Ideal: Hero, Ideal, Person or
Thing Sacrificed
21. Self Sacrifice for Kindred: Hero, Kinsman, Person or
Thing Sacrificed
22. All Sacrificed for Passion: Lover, Object of Passion,
Person or Thing Sacrificed
23. Sacrifice of Loved Ones: Hero, Beloved Victim, Need
for Sacrifice
24. Rivalry Between Superior and Inferior: Superior, Inferior, Object
25. Adultery: Deceived Spouse, Two Adulterers

111

26. Crimes of Love: Lover, Beloved, theme of Dissolution

27. Discovery of Dishonor of a Loved One: Discoverer,
Guilty One
28. Obstacles to Love: Two Lovers, Obstacle
29. An Enemy Loved: Beloved Enemy, Lover, Hater
30. Ambition: An Ambitious Person, Coveted Thing,
Adversary
31. Conflict with a God: Mortal, Immortal
32. Mistaken Jealousy: Jealous One, Object of Jealousy,
Supposed Accomplice, Author of Mistake
33. Faulty Judgement: Mistaken One, Victim of Mistake, Author of Mistake, Guilty Person
34. Remorse: Culprit, Victim, Interrogator
35. Recovery of a Lost One: Seeker, One Found
36. Loss of Loved Ones: Kinsman Slain, Kinsman Witness, Executioner

RPG scenarios too often tend to be Daring

Enterprises: The PCs bravely go on a quest to bring
back some priceless relic and enough gold to give
a hundred horses hernias. I like to use other plots
though, they make me think up better, more original, gaming scenarios.
To use these things, sometime in your planning, pick one of the 36 plots to use for your adventure. Then choose the main characters who are
necessary for that plot. Say you choose Ambition as
the basic plot (how Shakespearean) and decide that
the players are going to be the ambitious person(s)
(not a far stretch for most PCs). The Adversary is
to be the main opposition to the PCs, so make it
a wealthy, traveled businessman with his own bodyguards and quite a bit of fighting skill himself, so the
PCs wont kill him out of hand to solve their problem. Also give him good features, something that will
make the players sympathize with him. Maybe hes
the father of a boy or girl who is in love with one of
the PCs. The coveted thing is pretty easy to figure,
find something that one of the PCs wants enough to
start laying plans to gain it. Also give the ambitious
PC a friend who supports her ambition and keeps
tempting her further into the messy situation.

Thats a skeletal plot, right there, but its

enough to guide the rest of the adventure. The acts
in the plot almost write themselves:
The Enigma discovers that candidates must turn
in petitions with 1000 names in order to register
for the election, and he blew it off so long that he
needs to get them all tonight (where do you get
1000 valid signatures at this time of the night?)
to be turned in at 8am tomorrow morning.
The primaries, mostly complicated by tedium although this is a good time for enemies to show
up with embarrassing photos in hand.
Election season, complicated by reporters who
circle, vulture-like, over the troubled campaign
HQ, and by a televised public debate between
the candidates.
The election and its aftermath did the PC
win? what will happen to the party now? what if
the press finds out about the vampires the party
staked a few years ago in the abandoned buildings in the ghetto? what about the crook who
recognizes Enigmas voice and threatens to publicize his secret identity?
Complications can be created by the GM from
various PCs friends and enemies, and several very interesting ethical dilemmas can be emphasized in the
game, making this type of scenario wonderful ground
for roleplaying, and a natural for fisticuffs and other
conflict (though it would cause big problems with the
press and voters if the candidate hurt or killed someone, or were even suspected of it).

Example: Most campaigns have a player who loves

to play politics, involve her in this. Assume for
the sake of argument that the goal is the office
of district attorney. Enigma has ambitions to be
the DA, the chief force for justice in Gotham. He
is opposed by Buck Stevens, son of the founder
of Stevens Brick Co., which is the second largest
employer in Gotham. Darla Stevens is in love
with the Enigmas alter ego, Bing Strawberry,
and keeps telling him he ought to get in politics
and make sure her slimy brother doesnt achieve
political office . . . etc etc etc . . . you get the idea.
112

If you choose not to decide,

you still have made a choice.
Rush

Empire of the Isles

Aaron Sher
ars3 [email protected]
Phrixus, Lvl 1, Room 15, S3

Heres

a campaign setting to render your players Politics: The titles of the Empire are:
stupified by your genius and hard-work.
Emperor: There is only one Emperor. He is in
Lan and is addressed as Your Majesty.
Lorien, Oleand, and Matibar, and the group of
smaller islands known collectively as the Torman
Isles, compose the Empire.

Lorien: Its capital city, Lan, is also the capital of

the Empire. It is by far the largest of the islands, being more than twice as large as Oleand
and Matibar combined. Its climate ranges from
temperate (New Jerseyish) to almost subtropical
(Cuba). It has large expanses of forest, and is for
the most part fairly flat.
Oleand: Its capital city, Olan, is one of the busiest
ports in the Empire. It is only slightly larger
than Matibar, and has fewer people (population
roughly 100,000). Its climate ranges from subtropical to tropical, and it is primarily rainforest
and jungle. One of Oleands primary exports is
wood, to Matibar.

Regis: Roughly equivalent to King. Rules a

registan, which is a large area roughly the
size of Matibar or Oleand. Matibar and
Oleand each have 1 registan, while Lorien
has five. Regises are addressed as Your
Highness.
Cont: Roughly Duke, conts rule contans. Contans are large; there are only seven in Matibar. Conts are addressed as Your Grace.
Morl: Roughly Baron, morlans are small. Each
contan contains on the order of thirty or
forty morlans. Generally, every town and
village is a morlan. Morls are addressed as
My Lord.
Titles can be combined; for example, Arnith is
Regis of Matibar, Cont of Mati (called First Cont
of Matibar), as well as Morl of Mati. There is
also a Council of Advisors, who rule the city of
Mati so that Regis Arnith can rule the rest of
the island.

Matibar: The third in the primary triangle of islands which make up the archipelago. It is
roughly 800 miles North-South, and about 700
miles (at the widest point) East-West. Its not Geography: Matibar is divided into two large sections: North and South Matibar. The divider
rectangular, or even oval, so these are maxis a large mountain range, called the Swords of
imums. Matibar has a population of almost
Delvor-Neb. The North, primarily a desert, is
150,000 people. Its capital city is Mati, and
called the Endless Waste. The South, primarits climate ranges from temperate (Virginia) to
ily plains, is called the Great Plains of Matibar.
desert (Sahara). Its terrain is almost entirely
There is one large body of fresh water, in the
desert, mountains, or plains; wood is in short
South, called the Lake of Sorrows. There is only
supply.
one good pass through the Swords, called Brin
Torman Isles: The Torman Isles were not colonized
Pass. Brin Pass is guarded by Brin Keep.
from Lorien like the great islands; they were already populated when they were contacted by
the Empire. The Tormani are famous for their
merchants and their mercenaries.

113

History: To the southeast, there is a mainland. This

is called Ilishtha by the citizens of the Empire.
Here is a general timeline for the Empire and
Matibar in particular:
-20
-10
0

283
294
312
427
428
455
473

742
761

Atyan the Tyrant usurps the

throne of Ilishtha
Lorien the Explorer discovers the
(now) island of Lorien
The Five Families flee Ilishtha
and Atyans government, colonize
Lorien, establish Lan
Oleand discovered
Oleand
colonized,
Olan
established
Torman Isles discovered; trade
introduced
Matibar discovered
Matibar
colonized,
Mati
established
Delvor-Neb wars begin (see
Delvor-Neb, below)
Delvor-Neb wars end, DelvorNeb beaten and driven back into
Swords
Regis Arnith comes to power
Current time

fulfill these purposes (particularly the second), it

needed to be as strong as possible. It was built
by Regian workmen, assisted by Amish-Tor (a
legendary archmage) and the dwarves of Mishar-Neth (or so goes the legend). It has magical strengths and defenses; nevertheless, it has
been taken by Delvor-Neb twice. Both times,
the Regian armies marched from Mati and retook it within two months (unbelievably fast for
a citadel as strong as Brin Keep). Nobody seems
to know how this was done, however. . .
Mish-ar-Neth: The legends tell of a dwarven city
near the mountains hundreds of years ago.
Delvor-Neb found this irresistible; they attacked
in force. The dwarves slew thousands of orcs, but
finally they realized there was no hope of driving Delvor-Neb away. Therefore, they retreated
underground, to a secret outpost which they enlarged into a giant citadel: Mish-ar-Neth. Mishar-Neth is at least half legendary, but given the
legends recent genesis, there must be at least a
grain of truth to it. Nobody really knows the
location or level of civilization of Mish-ar-Neth,
and no dwarf claims to have seen it.

Racial distribution: In Matibar, about 70% are

human and 20% half-orc. Half-orcs are generally despised (Delvor-Neb accounts for this, and
also for their frequency). Another approximately
Time: Time in Matibar is counted from the corona8.5% are dwarves, gnomes, and halflings; halftion of the latest Regis; the current date would
elves make up another 1.25%, and elves are the
be called Arnith 17 or the 17th year of Arniths
remaining 0.25% of the population. Elves are
rule.
very rare as there are no large forests on Matibar.
Delvor-Neb: When the colonists arrived from Lorien, they began to spread out over the island.
Eventually, some of them tried to cross the Religion: Matibarians worship the Norse pantheon
of gods. Each gods clerics have their own unique
mountains, and they discovered that the island
powers and limitations.
was already inhabited by Delvor-Neb. DelvorNeb is an orc tribe, or possibly a large collection
of orc tribes. They number in the hundreds of
thousands, at least, but they stay mostly in the
mountains (called the Swords of Delvor-Neb).
The first meeting of colonist and orc triggered
the only large war Matibar has ever seen; the
Delvor-Neb wars. The Delvor-Neb wars lasted
A history degree may not get you a
for eighteen years, and in the course they killed
job, but its a great GMs resource. . .
thousands of men and tens of thousands of orcs.
Gwen Johnson
Mati was only attacked once, and the attack was
[email protected]
repelled (though not without loss). Dominor
West was taken and razed. Since then, there
has been constant skirmishing, particularly at
Brin Keep. Brin Keep was built for two reasons; first, to guard Brin Pass, and second, to
provide a target for Delvor-Nebs attacks. To
115

GURPStuff
Neuromancer

Nyles Seaton

Heres some stuff for GURPS.

sharp and is capable of cutting through solid

steel. Damage is cutting/swing+1d6. If the whip
misses its target, the user must roll skill a second
time to avoid hitting himself.

Panther Moderns
Sprawl Gang

Retractable Fangs: ($1000 5 points) These are

retractable fangs placed in the mouth. They do
+1 biting damage. This gives a -2 reaction to
certain social classes. This is very popular with
some heavy metal fans.

Leader: Lupis Yonderboy

Membership: 57
Demographics: 100% Male, 1424 yrs.
HeadQuarters: Boston-Atlanta Metropolitan Axis
Activities: Goal oriented terrorism. Techno fetish.
General Attitude: Anarchist
Common Equipment: Chameleon
cameras, 2-way radios, etc. . .

Tron

suit,

video

Comments: The Panther Moderns are a youth cult

characterized by a penchant for microsoft implantations and garments of mimetic polycarbon which can render individuals nearly invisible. Though often associated with goal oriented
terrorism, this subculture is more properly linked
to media manipulation and commercial nihilism.
It is difficult to estimate their influence upon the
fluid culture of the North American sprawl, but
they are considered important for their awareness of the extent to which the media originates
sociopolitical views.

Hydraulic Ram Fist: ($15000 15 points) This

is a hydraulic ram placed on the forearm area of
a cyberarm. The hydraulic ram can be forced out
at very high speeds. When this is incorporated
with a punch, the damage is massive. This adds
6d+6 to normal punching damage. The ram can
be extended twelve inches. Unfortunately, this
also gives a 2 DX to hand and arm movements.

Sasquatch
by Nyles Seaton
Stats: ST:55;
DX:13;
IQ:9;
Speed/Dodge:12/9; PD:0; DR:12

HT:15/30;

Weight: 1500 lbs.

Size: 4 hexes
Reach: C,2
Attack: 8d+1 punch

Cyberwear

Description: This creature if myth is a very

formidable foe. Its strength alone gives it a swing
of 8d+1 and a thrust of 6 dice, and its damage
Wrist Blade: ($1600 15 points) This is a fiveresistance is excellent. Further, anyone trying
inch, super-fine, double-edged knife that is imto track this creature gets a 10 to their roll.
planted underneath the wrist. it can be retracted
The Sasquatch is able to scale trees at inhuman
or fully extended. The knife does cutting/swing
speed. Finally, any creature above animal intelor impaling/thrust+1 damage.
ligence must make a fright check at 2 when initially viewing this nine foot tall, wooly, humanMonowire Finger Whip: ($1600 15 points) A
like creature.
mono-molecular wire whip is placed inside the
tip of the index finger. It can be pulled out
manually and rolled back up into the finger automatically by thought. The whip is incredibly

by Neuromancer

116

Phase Snake

Jinx

by Nyles Seaton

by Neuromancer

Stats: ST:6;
DX:14;
IQ:8;
Speed/Dodge:5/7; PD:3; DR:20

HT:14/30;

Stats: ST:10;
DX:15;
IQ:12;
Speed/Dodge:8/8; PD:7; DR:2

Weight: 30/70

Weight: 100 lbs.

Size: 2

Size: 1 hex

Reach: C,1

Reach: C

Attack: 2d+1 constriction

Attack: 1d3 head noogy

HT:15;

Description: These greenish brown snakes inhabit Description: Jinx is a wood-sprite who disguises
plains, flatlands, and dungeons. They attack by
himself as a court jester and loves to cause misconstricting around their foe. Their high damage
chief. Jinx will never purposely harm people,
resistance is acutely due to their natural inborn
but will rather play cruel jokes on them. Other
ability to phase out into the ethereal plane for
than having millions of pranks to play on una short timespan (three minutes), thus allowing
suspecting player-characters, he has the ability
only the most powerful attack to do damage.
to transform objects. Whenever Jinx touches
magic wands, rods, or staves, they lose their poTraits: Phase Snakes have young only once during
tency but gain the ability to create flowers, caustheir lives, making them a very rare species.
ing numerous, long-stemmed flora to spring forth
They usually eat large livestock, but have been
(preferably with petals) from the tip of the magic
known to attack people.
item. When Jinx touches melee weapons, they
become dull and cutting/impaling damage becomes crushing damage. Bows will become weak
Elemental Dragon
and break when they are next used. Spell books
by Neuromancer & Tron
and scrolls will lose their magic and be replaced
with extremely bad jokes.
Stats: ST:80; DX:14; IQ:17; HT:75; Speed:8, 25 flying; PD:5; DR:5
Weight: 1750 lbs.
Size: 17 hexes
Attack: Fire: 4d bite; 4d+1 fire breath Water: 4d
bite; 4d+1 icy breath Air: 4d bite; 3d lightning
breath Earth: 4d bite; 3d1 stone missile breath
Description: Elemental Dragons have four heads,
each a different color (red, blue, white, brown)
and each capable of casting all the elemental
spells under its domain (fire, water, air, earth).
Elemental Dragons are completely immune to all
elemental-based attacks.
Traits: Elemental Dragons are completely neutral
and care only about protecting the world around
them.

117

Welcome to hell heres your accordion.

Bruce W. Onder
[email protected]

Protocols of the Elders of Zion

Glenn Thain
ATTENTION! ATTENTION!
ATTENTION! ATTENTION!
ATTENTION!
# 291393 D: Role-Playing Fantasy Games
Whereas our plan put forth in Protocol #212943-R (To
Increase Fascination with the Occult) has succeeded beyond all expectation, and the Elders being aware that the
youth of America are now callow, questing, and overly
imaginative; that their ability to distinguish between reality and fantasy has been blurred by the means of fairy
tales, Saturday morning cartoons, movies, comic books,
bedtime stories; and that they are fond of games and
pursuits where the use of jargon, cants, and specialized
vocabulary is calculated to confuse and exclude adults;
therefore the Elders decree that:
1. A fantasy game shall be devised wherein young people are forced to take on the personas of characters
utterly without morals, and are constrained to act
the role of such characters in the context of the game;
violence shall be the key to the survival of the players personas; greed for wealth and occult power shall
be the goals of the game; and the players personae
may rise in rank, power, and wealth via prowess in
the game, thus promoting continual play.
2. This game shall involve sorcerers, witches, elves,
gnomes, trolls, demons, demigods, monsters, dragons and fabulous beasts and other persons and creatures associated with the occult, with a view towards
predisposing the games young players to believe in
the occult and thus become ensnared in the traps of
Satan our Master.
3. The rules of this game shall be written as if such
mythical and occult persons and creatures are real;
and actual Satanic spells and prayers shall be included in the rules, up to and including spells of the
29th Level and all rituals suitable for First Circle
Initiates of the Left Hand Path.
4. This game shall be promoted as the in thing among
young people and an aura of intellectuality shall surround it. The game shall be presented to parents as a
teaching aid suitable for use in classes for gifted children, and it shall be claimed that playing the game
enhances the childs imagination and creativity.
5. For the purpose of causing young minds to dwell on
the power of the occult and to lure them into our

118

ranks, actual signs and passwords known to the servants of Satan shall be incorporated in the rules;
further, our Agents and Provocateurs shall frequent
the vicinity of schoolyards, game rooms, and playgrounds to signal children by means of these signs
and passwords in order to initiate them further into
the Black Arts.
6. The game shall have trappings of other games familiar to children (dice, rule books, figurines, playingboard, etc.) Further, as the players advance to
higher levels of play the figurines should become
stranger, the rules more complex and bizarre, and
the handbooks more costly and seductive. It is recommended that occult lore be scattered through a
series of rule books for advanced play, so that players shall be forced to contribute unwillingly to our
General Fund for the Corruption of Society as they
fall deeper into our clutches.
7. Our Agents and Provocateurs shall spread across the
land promoting this game on local and national media (See Protocol #182968-N: Use of Advertising)
and steps will be taken to sabotage the sale of conventional games so that stores will rely more and
more on our product (See Protocol #19-N: Dirty
Tricks)
8. As acceptance of this game grows and the original generation of corrupted players begins to age,
our Agents and Provocateurs shall initiate steps to
keep the acceptance of these converts by translating
this game into other forms of media (See Protocol
#277666-X: Use of Subliminal Messages); especially
visual media, movies and television, so that a general
level of acceptance of the Dark Powers are assured.
9. Selected portions of this Protocol shall be leaked to
the Fundamentalist Christian media, whose capacity for promotion of its own paranoia will serve the
double function of bringing ridicule upon Christianity, while giving publicity to our game (See Protocol #261362-C: Any Publicity is Good Publicity).
The backlash effect of this media blitz upon atheist game-enthusiasts who turn to our game as a
means of thumbing their noses at Christianity (or
even for mere secular diversion) will be salubrious to
our ends.

Famous Last Words

[email protected] tkuster Shawn Long Hills
The Elder Dan Lydia Leong Charles Anthony Leone
presto arrvid Shelby Spiten Meggan Ray
Mike Ed Scott Lenz Buck Joel Lovell

Here

are the famous last words of a few folks

who crossed that narrow line between heroic
and. . . well. . . not-so-heroic (to put things mildly).
However ignoble their collective demise, at least these
characters got in the last word; and isnt that what
its all about? Without further ado, the famous last
words:

Jay

Yeah, I know its dangerous, but think of the

experience points.
I cast a stoneskin.
I stand right underneath the Fire Giant and
point my wand straight up.
What piiiitttttt???? (Thud)

Oops. . .

Dont worry. Ive got a plan.

I never get to have any fun!

They cant see me. Im invisible!

You mean they get to use the critical hit chart

too?

I wonder whats in here?

He wouldnt try that trick again!

Hey, I know a dragon when I see one.

Trust me, guys.

What do you mean the whole room were in

detects as a trap?

Just because youre a dragon doesnt mean you

can push me around.

Hey you! Frost Giant! Hows the weather up

there?

They dont look so tough.

Just watch, I bet I get the one item thats

cursed.

Im sure there are no traps.

I actively disbelieve!
What do you mean trolls regenerate!?!

Im invincible!

Here kitty, kitty, kitty. . .

Dont worry. I know what Im doing!

Ill open it.

Stop!

It seems easy enough. . .

A sign labeled pit ? I walk up to it.
I think he can be trusted.
No problem. Thats easy!

Those noises are probably nothing.

Hey, I found it. Im keeping it.

Ill pull the lever.

I think well have to reason with him.

Money!

Hah! Im not dead yet. I still have five hit

points.
Oh, no. Were being rescued. How embarrassing!
119

Magic is for wimps.

Oh. Hell miss. Just look at my AC.
Oh no! Lets go help them!

 Run away!

Sathar Player 2: Hey, my last ships surrounded. I can get 5 of em if I blow up.
I initiate self destruct.

I want to kill something. . .

All clear, guys.
Gummy werebears? They should be cake to kill
once they turn human.
Waitaminute. . . didnt the old man say something about a curse?
I stand on the big

Sathar Player 3: My fighters are gone, and

my carrier is too damaged. It will never
make it back to base. I initiate selfdestruct.
UPF player 2: If they blow themselves up we
get no points. My scouts congregate here
and initiate self destruct.
UPF Player 3: My ships will never get away
in time. I surround the light cruiser and
initiate self destruct too.

Hey, whered all the big spiders come from?

Okay, Ed, your underwear explodes. . .

UPF Player 4: Well if youre gonna do it. . .

Bob, you have any grenades left? Throw me

one. . .

Sathar Player 4: Hell, why not? Me too. . .

No, Friend Computer! Im happy! Really, really HAPPY!

This is a push-over dungeon.

Maybe this wasnt such a good idea.
Ill use my taunt skill.

Um, Ed, your underwear explodes again. . .

Your mother was a Gully Dwarf.

AGAIN!?!?!
My God will protect me.
He shot out my eye? Okay, I tear out my other
eye and throw it at him as a gesture of defiance.
I need to speak with your Team Leader. Where
is he?
Welp, lessee now. That puddle of ooze is his
fourth clone. The pile of ashes there was his
third. Dont know what happened to his second
one. And his first clone is someplace down near
R&D with both his eyes missing.
Ed, your underwear explodes again. . .
But I requisitioned asbestos lining this time,
remember?
Aaaaah, yes, of course. Okay, you only take
Column 6 damage this time.
I pull the metal ring out of the sphere. (Recognize a Holy Hand Grenade, folks?)
From Star Frontiers: Knight Hawks,

You wouldnt dare!

Hey, were out! Were safe!
Let me get this straight. . . our ship is attached
to a larger starship, which has a nuclear device wired to the power plant and is on collision
course with a populated starport. Our maneuver
drives dont work, because this whole ship is a
piece of Sh*t and the only way to deflect the starship from blowing up the starport is to hotwire
the jump-drives to boost us *Almost* to jump
and thus throw us and the other starship in a
random direction away from the planet. All this
with jump-drives which only work half the time
and a power plant held together with chewing
gum and prayers, while we are next to a larger
mass object than the ship and within 10 radii of
the planet. You really want to do this??
Just Do It!
Okay. . .

UPF Player 1: With my crippled battleship

next to the Sathar flagship, I initiate self
destruct.

Ill try it on.

Sathar Player 1: I initiate self destruct so I

can blow him up first, and get his assault
scouts too.

You dont look like a mage. . .

120

Cmon! Were a team!

Itd be stupid to trap this!

 Ill kick the door in!

Youd have to be a god to smile after that hit!
Yes, how observant of you.
It could be dangerous. . .

A creature with two baboon heads on a scaly

reptilian body? With tentacles for arms? Hunh.
Must be some stupid wizards magical construct.
Lets kill it.
Yes, its true I humiliated the DM in front of
the debating team Wednesday, but hes much too
broad-minded to take it out on my character.

Here, hold this rope while I go down.

I thought you brought the food!

OK, O Mighty Odin, as long as youre not

gonna answer my prayers, Im gonna tell ya what
I really think of ya!

Well, if you didnt belch, who did?

Torch flames arent supposed to turn blue.

I drop through and expose myself to the archmage as a gesture of comtempt.

Uh guys? Hello? Anyone?

Dragons give you a lot of Exp.

Nonsense. This is an AD&D game, so that cant

be Cthulhu.

Try me sh*t breath!

Oops, sorry. . . didnt mean to disturb you Mr.
Dragon.
Come on, we havent found any traps so far.
Whistling sounds?
grenade launcher!

Naw, they cant have a

Dont be silly. If this was really the ships SelfDestruct Button, do you think theyd leave it
lying around where anyone could press it?
I drink from the vial marked POISON on the
off chance that someone put a potion of extra
healing in by accident.

Well, guys, Im sorry my activities in the last

town got us all tarred and feathered, but youre
not going to hold that against me, are you?
No, Im sure theres some stipulation that says
a disintegrate spell wont work if the spellcaster
casts it on himself. Here, Ill prove it.
Oops, I spilled flaming oil on my beard. Id
better wash it off after we kill this fire lizard.
Well, we know hes lawfulevil, so he should
keep his word when he promised not to betray
us.

Hmmm. . . the sign on the door says, AIRLOCK. I wonder whats inside.

So Im safely across the pit? Whew! For a

minute there I was worried that you might remember my encumbrance penalties.

Youre all a bunch of wimps!! Ill prove to you

myself that an entire orc stronghold is no match
for your average barbarian.

Well, as long as Ive stumbled into Princess Savitras bedroom, I might as well try to seduce
her.

All right, were in an unexplored dungeon in

total darkness with no light sources or infravision. . . Hey, I know!! Lets yell and scream a lot
so we can locate each other by sound!!

Thank God!! A hobgoblin camp up ahead!

Maybe they can help heal our wounded!

Im going to kill our captives anyway, and I

dont give a damn whether the other goody-good
PCs like it or not.
Yknow, since our druids been so obnoxious,
it would probably serve him right if we set his
precious forest on fire.
A clever bluff, Agent N42, but not clever
enough. You see, right away I recognized your
pistol as a cleverly disguised cigarette lighter.
121

Dont worry! The chances of me blowing a

climb walls roll twice, at my level, are infinitesimal.
All right, I jump. . . Now on the way down, I
activate my ring of feather fall. . . no, wait, didnt
I lend it to Jim?
So youre Tiamat, huh? Are you evil? Yes?
Would you like to convert?
I cast a gate spell and gate in the Iraqi Air
Force.

 Well, I trust our party thief, and if he says this

door isnt trapped, thats good enough for me.
Well, I didnt much like this character, anyway. . . Here goes nothing. . .
OK, so the kobolds all pull out laser technology
and destroy the ninth level party immediately.
You guys are dead. . . again. (Chuckle, chuckle)
Roll up new first level characters, and. . . Jack,
dont be silly. Put that knife down at once.

I cast a lightning bolt at the ochre jelly.

Lightning bolts dont ricochet off stone walls,
do they?
The inscription says Asmodeus was here. Asmodeus. . . I havent heard that name before.
Hey, magic-user, do you know who Asmodeus
is?
What? Me die? Thats the last damn thing Ill
ever do.

OK! I moon the Balrog!

Whered that thief go now?
Trap? What trap?
Whos the bitch with the spiders? (ahhh. . . the
infamous Lloth)
I sit on the pale lady with the funny teeth.
(Ahhh. . . the infamous vampire)
Stand back you wimps. Ill kill it. (ahhh. . . the
infamous rust monster)
I cast a fireball. (ahhh... the infamous 100
100 100 room)
Dont worry, wyverns dont attack unless
theyre provoked.
Ill take off my armor so Im silent and slip past
the dragon.
Dont worry, he is probably just first level.
Ill just close my eyes and walk up to the dracolisk holding up my mirror.
Can I eat this green slime?
Ill just walk up to the dragon invisibly.
Why is this man speaking in sign language?
This type of undead cant drain levels.
We are in luck! The dragon is sleeping!
Death?
. . . Yikes. . .

Thats only a statue.

Mysterious shadows in the room?
scared you cant spook me!

Ha. . . I

scoff

at

Im not

T HWACK

Theres a smell of gas, huh? Well, my lantern

is hooded. It ought to be safe.
Take off my armor and try to swim? Forget
it I worked hard to get this +3 plate mail.
Besides, the DM never lets anyone die he
wouldnt let me drown, would he?
122

death!

Bits & Pieces

(revisited)

After

rave reviews, we doth revisit the Bits and it fer me? And Fred sayeth unto Rollo whom he
loved like a brother Ill give you all this land. Ive
got plenty of land, Ill make you the first Duke of
Normandy. And Rollo found this pleasing unto him
The story you are about to read is true. We
and his words fell like little winged birds unto the
didnt even change the characters names,
royal ears. Quoth Rollo Ill do it. And so saying,
although at first we thought we really
Rollo bent, seized the king of France by the ankles,
should. . . to protect the innocent and all.
up-ended him, kissed his regal feet and returned him
But then it occurred to me Screw the inunto the ground that was now the possession of Rollo,
nocent. They never did anything for me,
called Robert, first Duke of Normandy.
did they? Its a harsh world, chum, and inAnd this, oh most glorious reader, is the nearly
nocence doesnt make for much of a defense
true story of the Treaty of St. Clair-sur-Epte.
in my book. My names Friday. . . I carry a
The Troll
grudge.
[email protected]
Stigs Inferno #6 by Ty Templeton

Pieces.

Let us not go gently to the endless winter

night Rush: Red Tide

The Kissing of a Tootsie:

Lo and it came to pass that in the year 911A.D. that
a nasty Viking king named Fred the Nasty met with
the king of France in the part of France that was to
become Normandy but was still France at the time.
With me so far, o most faithful?
And these two kings met and they spake unto
one another of such things as I know not what and
shall not know until I am a great king. Then Fred
sayeth unto the king of France How bout givin me
Normandy? and the king of France was sore afeard
for Fred had a reputation far and wide for being one
nasty s.o.b. Nathless, the king had his honor and
name to uphold and so he commenced unto fearsome
haggling over boundaries, tributes, and conditions
of the treaty. And know you also, he-whose-nameshall-not-be-spelled-even-in-semaphore, that one of
the conditions set by the king of France was that
Fred must kiss his kingly feet to seal the bargain.
And know you also that this made the Vikings most
exceedingly wroth because the two sovereigns were so
close unto one another in prestige and power that neither wisht to appear as like a servant unto the other,
or even as like, say, a younger brother.
Unto his faithful retainer Rollo spake Fred the
Nasty, saying Rollo, dude, I cant kiss this guys
feet. Itll make me look bad. You do it, okay? And
Rollo, being a true and valued retainer sayeth unto
the merciful Fred (hallowed be his name) Wots in

Other High-Level Committees:

At a Council of Five Nations a few years ago, I was
involved in an adventure the central goal of which was
to locate a missing Ranger Lord. We had just figured
out that the Ranger had been polymorphed into a
rabbit, and were discussing going out to search for
said rabbit, when the half-orc in the party (a charming gent by the name of Vlad the Impaler) interjected
this into the discussion: So, what youre proposing
to me is that we track an invisible rabbit who also
happens to be a Ranger Lord through his own woods
at night during a storm!? Ill be here when you get
back.
Benjamin R Pierce
[email protected]
University at Buffalo
The Dungeon Beautification Committee was one of
those things that got out of hand and ended up as a
permanent part of the world. You see, I was trying
to stock a dungeon and found Pech in the Monster
Manual II. Hey, neat. These little guys live to shape
and carve stone. The PCs will go nuts trying to figure out the meaning of all these carvings all over the
dungeon! And so they did. They finally found the
room where the Pechs were currently working.

123

What are you guys, anyhow?!

his ass. The same thief ran up to his worthy oppoOh, were the Dungeon Beautification Com- nent and they struggled long and hard (the kid conmittee. . . And thus was a legend born.
sistently threw 19s and 20s for his struggles, blessed
be the innocent), and eventually the thief gave up.
Steven P. King (Software Archaeologist)
Meanwhile, the wizard blew her coveted potion of
[email protected]
healing on the kid she dropped.
Macro Computer Solutions, Inc.
Another fun thing I like to do is include smurfs
Wheeling, IL
when a random encounter calls for something trivial.
You see (roll die) five tiny blue figures wearing diaYou can pick your nose, you can pick
pers and humming, Tra, la, la la, la, la, . . . Ah, they
your friends, but you cant pick your friends
see you and are whispering amongst themselves. The
nose.
vivacity with which the adventurers attack is quite
Im about to start a campaign, and what I plan on shocking. One worthy elven archer planted his entire
doing is this: When I let my players make up char- quiver into one of the smurfs (breaking a +2 arrow
acters, Ill tell them to come up with a group that in the process). The wizard shouted frothing curses
already knows each other and has some rationale for at his chosen foe. Hilarious.
adventuring together. This makes it more reasonable
that they should be loyal to each other, and cut out
the phony meeting role playing.

Ag
[email protected] (Silver)
Rutgers Univ., New Brunswick, N.J.

DM: You walk into a bar, you see two mean looking
half-orcs at a table in the corner, armed to the
teeth, and wearing armor. What do your Mage
and Cleric do?

When you said you wanted to live in sin

with me, I didnt realize you meant sloth.

Andrew Bell,
Players: We walk over, sit down, buy them a drink
[email protected]
and become friends for life, willing to defend each
other to the death, unless of course, were not The professional way to clean out dungeons:
expecting any more player characters to join us,
in which case we attack them!
A number of years ago I joined a new gaming group.
They were a bunch of hack and slashers, and they
Keith (The Lazy DM) Hearn (aka Bug Hunter)
were going to be going through a standard dungeon.
[email protected]
Sigh. . . One of the items they had was a Helm of BrilAmdahl Corporation, Sunnyvale CA
liance. They had a bunch of other impressive magic
as well. The game could have been lots of dead monDont think of them as pedestrians, think
sters; however, I convinced the party to try attacking
of them as semi-mobile speed bumps.
the dungeon my way. . .
Lord Teka
One of the encounters that I like to include along a
major highway is one where a couple of brats toss
a dozen eggs (most of which are rotten) at passersby. I usually rule that the kids are so used to pulling
this particular trick that they get almost automatic
hits, and give a character the chance to avoid by application of a skill (D&Ders, dex check or save vs
paralyzation).
Youd be absolutely astonished at the results.
I last pulled this stunt on a group of 2nd-level adventurers. The wizard panicked and wasted one of
the kids with a magic missile. The thief made one of
his saves with a natural 20, so he threw the egg back
at the kid as hard as he could threw well enough
on this riposte that the brat actually took a point
of damage (hit him in the face) and got knocked on

We encounter a gang-o-monsters.
Booming voice: For we are the terribly powerful,
yet merciful. Put your equipment and treasure in the center of the room and stand with
your faces against the far wall. If you fight
us. . . (special magical effect) . . . you will all die
horrible deaths. . . (special magical effect) . . . If
you follow our instructions you will be allowed
to live. . . (special magical effect) . . . choose your
fate! (special magical effect)
Cleaned out the whole dungeon without having to
unsheath our weapons! Weirded out the old players.
The DM had fun, I had fun, I think most of the other
players had fun. We also got through the dungeon
much faster than the DM had planned.

124

 Matthew Goldman
[email protected]

4. There is always a way.

5. The easy way is always mined.

Wands dont kill people,

people kill people.

6. Try to look unimportant, they might be low on

ammo.

And back to massacres. . .

About 1984 or so, I was involved in a AD&D
Rolemaster Hybrid where my Ranger, Rikarus (old
Ranger Rik) picked up an umbrella which absorbed
spells when open and recast such a spell when reopen. It was a lifo (last-in first-out) stack and could
handle up to 25 levels at once. . .
Well, we encountered a room which made a duplicate of each person in terms of level when a trap
was triggered. Well about 4 of us, 20-25 levels total
or so, triggered the trap at once. Can you say 25th
level Magical Energy Being?! Well the MEB started
pulverizing us til old Rik decided to open the Umbrella and stick it in the beast. Slurppp! One MEB
gone and one glowing bright umbrella which permanently scarred his hand. It left trails of sparks as we
walked so full of energy it was.
So what did Rik do with this. Well we retreated to the top level of this Evil Nasty Temple to
rest the night. In the morning someone noticed that
a tribe (i.e. 320 or so) of Goblins moved into the
courtyard of the ENT overnight. . . blocking our way
out!
Solution: Rik opens the door a crack and
opens the umbrella! Kaaa-Booooom! 180 of 320 Goblins killed in one searing blast and the others hightailing it for the hills. Rik didnt have the heart to
start calling himself GoblinSlayer.
Andrew C. Durston
[email protected]
att!hotld!acd
AT&T Bell Laboratories
Theres no honorable way to kill, no gentle
way to destroy. There is nothing good in
war. Except its ending.
Abraham Lincoln,
The Savage Curtain
stardate 5906.5

7. Professionals are predictable, its the amateurs

that are dangerous.
8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
When youre ready for them.
When youre not ready for them.
9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else
to shoot at.
10. If you cant remember, the claymore is pointed
at you.
11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will
be the main attack.
12. A sucking chest wound is Natures way of telling
you to slow down.
13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into
an ambush.
14. Never draw fire. It irritates everyone around you.
15. Anything you do can get you shot, including
nothing.
16. Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you
wont be able to get out.
17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than
yourself.
18. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you
are in a combat zone.
19. When you have secured an area, dont forget to
tell the enemy.
20. Never forget that your weapons are made by the
lowest bidder.
Remo, The Destroyer
Remo Williams, Master of Sinanju (Richard Pieri)
UA [email protected]
[email protected]

Murphys Laws of Combat

1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.

Please excuse us while we rotate the Universe 90 degrees. Thank You.

Remo

2. Incoming fire has the right of way.

3. Dont look conspicuous, it draws fire.
125

A yuletide tune:

Nothing is waste that makes a memory.

Well, now that our outgoing news service has been

fixed, a D&D holiday song (to a familiar tune):

Ned Rorem
Were off to see the Dragon. . .

Hack n Slash, Hack n Slash

XPs all the way
Oh what fun it is to maim and loot and pillage and
slay. . .
oh!

Reward
A Kingly Sum
Brave Adventurers Needed to Kill the Dragon of
Eastmark, Kingdom of Arcadia.
Apply at the Royal Palace.

Hack n Slash, Hack n Slash

XPs all the way,
Oh what fun it is to kill monsters evry day!
Hacking through the orcs,
I went to kill some gnolls,
Then I practiced on
Goblins and kobolds!
Ive got my +10 Sword
So I dont fear the wight.
What fun it to hack and sing a slaying song tonight,
oh!
Hack n Slash, Hack n Slash
XPs all the way!
Oh what fun it is to nuke Zeus and Asmode us!
Hack n Slash, Hack n Slash
XPs all the way!
Oh what fun it is to gain a level evry day!
Day or two ago,
Thought Id look around.
Met a storm giant,
and killed him in two rounds!
On to the Dragons lair,
It should be a cinch.
Ive got my Neutron Hand GrenadeT M if I get in a
pinch. . .
oh!
Hack n Slash, Hack n Slash
XPs all the way!
Oh what fun it is to maim and loot and pillage and
slay. . .
oh!

What made that adventure interesting (aside from

the nearly 1000 mile overland journey, differing cultures, side-adventures, et al) was the fact that the
Dragon of Eastmark was a golden dragon, and
the party was mostly Good characters. The Gold
had become insane when humans had attacked and
slain his mate, and spent his time laying waste to
the local kingdom, which finally began posting notes
(after the first three expeditions failed) to hire outsiders to come in and try to destroy the geniusintelligence, magic-using and physically awe-inspiring
dragon. Since the tattered posting does not mention
that the Dragon is a Gold, the party had already
traveled the very long way, and then had a lot of
discussion before finally deciding that grief did not
excuse the dragons excesses, and that he must be
destroyed.
Finally nailed that damned Cube of Force with
that adventure; a couple of breaths, a Delayed Blast
Fireball, various other mayhem. When the party finally got close enough for combat, the dragon had
exhausted all of its spells, scroll spells, breaths, and
incidental gee-gaws. Half of the survivors died before the dragon (too angry to run and fight another
day) finally fell. 7th to 9th level party of nine or ten
members.
I recommend this sort of thing, because even
if they get there and dont want to do it, you get to
drag them all over the known and unknown world.
Richard L. Butler
[email protected]
Free Software Foundation

Hack n Slash, Hack n Slash

XPs all the way!
Oh what fun it is to kill
you want me to role play????

Well, whenever anyone makes the ludicrous

claim that gaming and devil-worship are
connected, I just cut out their heart with
my silvered letter-opener and offer it as a
sacrifice to the Dark Lord. Thatll teach
em to leap to false conclusions.

James Heath
[email protected]
U. Texas, Astronomy, Austin, TX

The Elder Dan

126

Hows this for a trap?

Balin the Dwarf says Maybe he wants some

gold. . .
The head says Stuff it fuzz face!
Sleek the Eleven thief says Maybe it wants a
kiss, Balin!
The head says Get out of my hallway, right
now!
Balin thinks a moment, then says Wait a
minute guys, why are we listening to this head.
Balin turns to the head and roars, Heads can
have accidents too, you know!
This cracked me up. I had the head disappear
and let the party march on right into the pit trap!

The party enters a room. In the center of the room is

a table which contains a small chest. After checking
for traps and finding none, they cautiously open the
chest.
Inside they find a scroll, some blank parchment, quills, ink, and several solid polyhedra with
a different number of markings on each face. One
of them reads the scroll and a powerful enchanment
takes over. They realize the scroll contains the rules
for a game which they start to play.
Soon they lose all track of time. They continue
to play: day becomes night, night becomes day. The
John W. Marvin
enchantment is so powerful they cant break away;
[email protected]
their careers suffer, their families never see them
Oracle Corporation, Belmont, CA
again.
No rest, no sleep, no food, theres only the
Game, the Game, the Game. . . until eventually they
Just because youre paranoid doesnt mean
perish.
they arent really out to get you!
If you have a soft heart, you might allow them
to get food delivered. Although providing energy, this
food should has questionable nutritional value.
Citizens responsible for previous message, please report to the Crematorium for reeducation. The Com Hal Chambers
puter orders all people to hum Helter Skelter from
hal@pur-phy
12:01 to 1:12. All persecuters will be violated unless
Purdue Univ. Physics Dept., W. Lafayette, IN proof of insanity is procured. In that event, report
to experimental labs for therapy. Message of the day:
Imagination is more important than knowlAnswer this yes or no question: have you stopped
edge. Albert Einstein
beating your dog? Answers expected by days end
unless previous orders countermand it.
I was reffing an AD&D game, and everyone showed
Low level citizens are required to fill out forms
up! I always invite lots, as many of my players dont X32-56 through Z90-90 in the research labs, and to
show every game. Well, Im looking at 14 players, and follow all instructions given to them. All vent workers
at my notes. The game starts to drag, I cant respond are commanded to ignore any strange activity, and in
quick enough. My head is swimming with too much the event slimy creatures from hell eat a few, to throw
to drink. Im not having fun, and my players are themselves at them in service of the Computer.
getting bored. Time for action!
I keep my map, but close my dungeon de William Henry Timmins (Lord Teka)
sign notebook, and start making things up. Secret
[email protected]
doors appear. Silly things happen. PCs loose their
Carnegie Mellon, Pittsburgh, PA
breaches. My players are laughing now. Ah, Im even
This above all: to thine own self be true,
enjoying myself!
And it must follow, as the night the day,
They set off down a passage with something in
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
it. My map key says a baited trap (later I looked it
up, a bottle of elven wine on a pit trap). I tell them
Hamlet [I,iii,79-81]
You see a large, bald, blue head with pointy ears
sticks his head up through the floor ahead of you. He The PCs ship was boarded by some people wearglares at you with red eyes and says Go back!
ing impressive uniforms, and carrying impressive ID
Muckhead the High Priest of the Holy Finhead cards and FGMPs. The leader claimed to be from
(CN) says Oh great head, would you like some food the local navy, and was checking their ship over to
or drink?
make sure it complied with safety regulations. The
The head says Shut your festering gob, you boarders then proceeded to do their checks, failing
twit! Go back!
the ship on a whole lot of counts such as the wrong
127

sort of paint in the cargo hold, a minor scratch in

the paintwork of a fuel line, and the ships hull being made of the wrong alloy. (It wasnt; at least,
the PCs didnt know it was, nor did the boarders,
and nor did the referee.) After the safety inspectors
had succeeded in annoying the PCs, one of the PCs
started to seem to be leading towards threatening remarks, at which point the leading inspector warned
the PCs not to try anything, there was a muon gun
on the planet targeted on this ship. (Whats a muon
gun? Like a meson gun, but better.)
The leading boarder eventually revealed that
there was nothing wrong with the ship, as far as he
knew. Mind you, he didnt know a lot, because the
PCs were the victim of a local holovision practical
joke show (a bit like Candid Camera). The FGMPs
were models made from kits, with the cameras fitted
inside them. There was indeed no such thing as a
muon gun. And by way of compensation, the PCs
were given a free lunch by the holonet company.
Actually, it was quite a good lunch.

Yeah, see, thats the problem. The computers gotten kind of antisocial; it keeps spacing its
crews. We cant get to it to disconnect it, either. You
see the problem?
Indeed I do. (chuckle) Fortunately I have a
robopsychologist with me. . .
[email protected]
We make Idols of our concepts, but wisdom
is born of wonder.
St. Gregory the Illuminator
I heard about one campaign, a swashbuckling pirates
type campaign where they used no rules. There criteria was If this was a Hollywood movie, would this
action have succeeded? and if there was any doubt,
the players voted on it. Sounds like fun!

Adrian Hurt
JANET: [email protected]
ARPA: [email protected]
UUCP: ukc!cs.hw.ac.uk!adrian

Gwen Johnson
[email protected]
If there is anyone here that I have not offended, I deeply apologize.
J. Brahms
New uses for those funny thirty-sided dice:
Whenever your party goes through AD&D module S1, stick two of them over your eyes for chilling effect.

That is not dead which can eternal lie

But with strange eons,
Even death may die. . .
HPL
As for utterly automated ships, this gives rise to all
sorts of fascinating scenaria, most of which I think
would work better in a game like Space Opera than
in MT, but thats a personal bias. . .
What about that Denoba-class over there in
the back?
Oh! Uh, well, uh, um, I guess its for sale,
but frankly I dont think you gentlebeings would be
very interested in it. . .
Not interested?! The Denobas one of the
best rimrunners ever to upship! Why the hell
wouldnt we be interested?
Er, yes, the Denoba as a class are excellent
craft, and that one back there would fetch a high
price, assuming. . .
Assuming what?
Assuming that the people who bought it
could average more than three hops before they got
killed.
Huh?
128

When going through the Giant Series in AD&D,

pop them into your mouth and spit them at your
players to simulate giants throwing boulders.
Whenever going up against a god, pull out the
old 30-sider (making sure the players see you do
it), role it a couple times, and whistle loudly.
(Whew! 164 points of damage against Jharl
the milquetoast Ranger! Somebody get out the
pooper-scooper!)
Give it to your loved one on a special occasion,
and claim its yellow Amethyst. (Oh dear, its
wonderful. . . but why is there a number on each
facet?)
Chris Quinn
Lewis & Clark College, Portland OR
Was that the time I was in dragon form
or the time I turned him into proto-plasmic
slime?
Damaan Glenn

Dice wreak havoc with DMs buzz-kill

adin/barbarians with glasses and backpacks.

I was fighting eight stone giants with my party, and

we were getting the stuffing beat out of us, so I decided to quaff one of my potions of giant strength.
Then, after a moment, I decided to quaff my invisibility potion as well. Suddenly, My DM cackles evilly,
grins, and goes to open up the Dungeon Masters
Guide. In a moment of revelation, I realized that
I had forgotten to consider potion miscibility. Upon
reaching the page, and laughing at my attempts to
take back what I had said, he grinned with such malicious intent that Asmodeus would have been impressed. He rolled the die, and it came up a 0, I
started to break down, and he grinned again, saying,
Get the old dice ready to roll up a new character,
Yer gonna die. he rolled the die again and much to
my relief, it came up 0. With a stunned look on his
face, my DM said, I cant believe it, I just cant
believe it.
I smiled and asked what that meant. He said
Well, You just got one of those potions as a permanent power. I am going to roll another d10, and 1-5
you get giant strength (Fire Giant = 22), and 6-10,
you get invisibility, permanent. I hope you die. He
rolled a 3, and now my character is incredible. Needless to say, he has done several amazing things since
then. My DM has been trying to circumvent the affects legally, but he hasnt found a way yet. All in
all, not a bad deal.
Gilgamesh
[email protected]
Moravian College, Bethlehem, PA
I apologize for calling your wife a bloated
warthog. Heh-heh-heh.
Connor Macleod
One of the problems I think females may have with
gaming is that the games resemble pulp male fantasy
(aka Thieves World) and they dont want to be the
fantasy focus of 2-8 typically hormonally imbalanced,
student-types who are stereotyped as social incompetents. Then again, they might. One thing for sure I
have noticed is that the women in FRP games are
usually treated as princesses and most of us males
(yes, myself included) nearly beat each other up to
do things for the lady. Women gamers are a definite way to make sure a game will fill up quickly.
All you have to do is say that she is playing and we
males (yep, me again) will flock to the game in sets
of twenty.
Yes, there are women in FRP games, and we
can all be thankful they can accept us the pal-

Cyborg, the socially inept

Paraphrased from a MegaTraveller campaign:

Party Member: Heres the next plant for your

collection, Turin. Its a Pharosian Bitching Cactus. Where do you want it?
Pharosian Bitching Cactus:
. . . My needles are too dry . . . My potting soil
isnt sandy enough. . . This pot is too small; Im
getting root-bound. . . Its too dark in here. . .
Turin: ...put it in the airlock.
Mark F. Cook
[email protected]
markc%[email protected]
Corvallis, Oregon

Lovecraft created a universe that sane

men cannot comprehend. Call of Cthulhus
choice of runequest mechanics was a good
choice. Robert Plamondon
The novice monk came to the garden to see the grand
master Gaxx.
Master, he began, I have been pondering
level advancement in AD&D. A first level character
is well within the scope of the game, and yet a one
trillionth level character is most certainly not. Tell
me, O Master, where the games scope does lie?
The Master studied the novice and said, I
have been pondering the sky. At noon, it is certainly
daytime, and yet at midnight it is most certainly not.
Tell me, at what time does day end and night begin?
At this point, the Master struck the novice
over the head with a Fiend Folio manual. The novice
was enlightened.

129

Timothy D. Cain
[email protected] (ARPA)
Department of Information and Computer Science
UC Irvine

Dreams are the touchstones of our characters. Henry David Thoreau

Wailings from the Cryer

or Free Ads
cause nobody would pay us

The Cryer doth tearfully wail:

The Abyss wants you!
Orcus? Demogorgon?? Want me??? gulp. . .
No silly. . . Abyss magazine wants you! Abyss
is a progressive gaming magazine which goes out to
about 1000 readers around the US and quite a few
more in other parts of the world. In print since 1979,
Abyss is currently getting ready for its 48th issue! We
are a full-size magazine with limited space devoted
to advertising, lots of good art, and articles on every
aspect of gaming imaginable.
Abyss does not restrict itself to any particular
games or company lines and has published material
on everything from AD&D to Arduin to SpaceQuest
to Cyberpunk. We also publish a large number of
articles on the general theory and practice of gaming without reference to any particular game system.
The magazines target market is college-age and older
gamers, the same sort of people who are likely to be
reading the Guildsman or RGF.
We are always looking for new writers, especially for games which wed like to cover more. Were
also actively looking for game reviewers.
As far as feature articles, we are interested in
game variants, game background articles, general discussions of gaming trends, game news, GameMaster
hints, suggestions for players, world background summaries, editorials and just about anything else. We
like to cover both popular and unusual games, and all
our submissions are evaluated promptly and fairly.
As for reviews, we publish fifteen per issue on
the average, the most of any magazine in gaming,
and we cant write them all in-house. Ideally we like
reviewers to send in thoughts on games they have
picked up and played fairly recently. If you want to
get into reviewing for Abyss, send in a review of the
newest product you have that catches your fancy, and
if we like it, and your interests as far as what you want
to review match what were getting in from publishers, well see what we can do about getting you review
copies of new items in the future.

We generally prefer to get submissions electronically, either through public networks like the Internet or through our BBS at 512/472-6905. We also
take hard copy, but the speed of the net is hard to
beat.
Reviews should run from 800 to 1200 words in
length. Articles, depending on their nature, should
usually be 1000 to 4000 words long.
We actually pay our writers. . . not much, but
as much as we can afford given our relatively small
size. . . payment ranges from about one to three cents
a word depending on what youre writing and how
wealthy we feel. Its not going to make you a fortune,
but youll get your name in print and probably be
able to go out and buy a decent meal.
From what weve seen on RGF and in publications such as the Guildsman, theres a lot of talent
out here which could find a very good outlet in Abyss.
To contact Abyss, email Dave Nalle (editor)
at [email protected] or write:
Abyss
c/o Dave Nalle
P.O. Box 140333
Austin, TX 78714
For those interested in seeing Abyss, subscriptions are $7 for six quarterly issues or $13 for twelve.
So let us hear from you. Were open to submissions, ideas, questions, what-have-you.

Quanta wants you too!

Boy. . . are you ever popular. . .
Quanta (ISSN 1053-8496) is the electronically
distributed journal of Science Fiction and Fantasy.
As such, each issue contains fiction by amateur authors as well as articles, reviews etc. . .
The last issue (December 1990) marks the seventh issue thus-far published and the final issue of
Volume II. Quanta is now in its third year of publication. Quanta has proved to be fantastically successful
both at home and abroad and wed like to keep it that

130

way through another year. In order to do this, however, we need submissions! Were soliciting you, the
readers of news-net and the Guildsman, to send us
your best fiction. If you dont think its any good,
send it along anyway. You may be right, but if you
are, well give you our thoughts and ideas as to how
you can make it better. Were looking primarily for
short fiction, although Article, Review, and Poetry
submissions are also welcome. If you can submit in
LATEXformat, please do so, but it is by no means required that you do. We want to keep producing as
quality a magazine as possible and to do that we need
your submissions.
Quanta is published in two formats, Ascii
and PostScript. Submissions should be sent to
[email protected]. Requests to be added to
the distribution list should be sent to one of the following depending on which version of the magazine
youd like to receive.
[email protected]
[email protected]
or
[email protected]
[email protected]
Send email only no interactive messages or
files please. Note that if you subscribe with a letter
sent over BITNET, you will have the magazine sent
to you as a file over BITNET, whereas if you subscribe with a letter sent over the Internet, the magazine will be sent to you by email. Quanta is not yet
available via US mail, but non-netlanders may send
submissions to:
Quanta
c/o Daniel Appelquist
5440 Fifth Avenue #60
Pittsburgh, PA 15232

Host: lth.se
IP: 130.235.16.3
Directory: /Documents/Quanta/Postscript
/Documents/Quanta/Ascii

and

Quanta now reaches an international audience

of over 1200 subscribers. It is produced bi-monthly
by Daniel K. Appelquist ([email protected] &
[email protected] & [email protected]
& [email protected]).

Discounts for UCR Gamers

Alpha-Omega Games
15965 Piuma Ave
Cerritos, CA 90701
(213) 809-6849
Mon
Tues Thurs
Fri Sat
Sun

7pm 10pm
Noon 9pm
Noon 10pm
Noon 5pm

Check out our new location in Cerritos. From Riverside,

take the 91 to the 605N, take a left off the Alondra exit
and a left on Piuma. UCR Gamers command a 25%
discount . Also accepting entries for the 1991 US Golden
Demon Award through April 19th.
Comics +
8151 Arlington
Riverside, CA 92503
(714) 785-4818
Mon Sat
Sun

9am 10pm
10am 8pm

Check out our all-new collection of games and gaming accessories at our new location on Arlington. UCR Gamers
command a 20% discount .

Please include your return address with all

submissions sent in this way. If we print your work,
well send you a courtesy copy of the magazine.
Quanta is also available via anonymous ftp in
both compressed ascii and compressed postscript formats. The main site is located in the US and is the
site I recommend for all non-european transfers:

Daylight Hobbies
10220 Hole Avenue
Riverside, CA 92503
(714) 688-6013
Sat Sun
Mon Fri

10am 6pm
10am 8pm

Gaming is our specialty, and we have a complete stock of

RPGs and accessories including the latest material. UCR
Gamers command a 10% discount .

Host: export.acs.cmu.edu
IP: 128.2.35.66

Directory: /pub/quanta
The second host is located in Sweden and is
recommended only for european subscribers. Please
dont make use of this site if youre located in the US.

Discounts apply only to games and do not apply to items

purchased on credit or to items already marked down.
Discounts will only be honored to current members of the
UCR Gamers Guild.

131