Muppet Christmas Carol Script
Muppet Christmas Carol Script
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Rizzo:
Where?
Narrator: There.
Rizzo:
When?
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Is the one that we call Scrooge
Unkind as any
And the wrath of many
This is Ebenezer Scrooge
( chorus)
Oh, there goes Mr Humbug
There goes Mr Grimm
If they gave a prize
for bein'mean
The winner would be him
Old Scrooge, he loves his money
'cause he thinks it gives him power
If he became a flavour
you can bet he would be sour
Even the vegetables
don't like him.
(chorus)
There goes Mr Skinflint
There goes Mr Greed
The undisputed master
of the underhanded deed
He charges folks a fortune
for his dark and draughty houses
Us poor folk live in misery
K,It's even worse for mouses
He must be so lonely
He must be so sad
He goes to extremes
to convince us he's bad
He's really a victim
of fear and of pride
Look close and there must be
a sweet man inside
- Nah.
- Uh-uh.
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(chorus)
There goes Mr Outrage
There goes Mr Sneer
He has no time for friends or fun
His anger makes that clear
Don't ask him for a favour
'cause his nastiness increases
No crust of bread for those in need
No cheeses for us meeces
Narrator: Scrooge liked the cold. He was hard and sharp
as a flint.. secretive. Self-contained. As solitary as an
oyster.
(chorus)
There goes Mr Heartless
There goes Mr Cruel
He never gives
He only takes
He lets his hunger rule
If being mean's a way of life
You practise and rehearse
Then all that work is paying off
'cause Scrooge is getting worse
Every day in every way
Scrooge is getting worse
Narrator: He was a tightfisted hand at the grindstone.
Scrooge..a squeezing,wrenching. Grasping...clutching.
Covetous old sinner.
( Scrooge enters the shop. Bob Cratchitt and some other
clerks are busily writing down numbers on stacks of
papers)
Scrooge:
Bob Cratchit?
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for tomorrow. Mr Cratchit.( pointing to a stack of papers)
Bob Cratchitt: - Tomorrow is Christmas. Sir.
Scrooge: Very well.You may gift-wrap them.(goes to sit
down at a desk)
Other clerks- Let us help you with that. Mr Cratchit.( The
clerks attempt to help Bob carry the stack of papers. Bob
moves over to Scrooges desk)
- Oh. My. There are certainly a lot today.( Clerks pick up
papers)
- We'll get 'em.
- Okay. Okay.
- There you go. Boss.
- Here you go.
- Look out on that end
- Look out. Look out! .( Clerks bump into each other and
fall, papers fall covering them)
Scrooge: Christmas is a very busy time for us. Mr
Cratchit.People preparing feasts,giving parties..spending
the mortgage money on frivolities.( evil laugh)One might
say that December is the foreclosure season.Harvest time
for the moneylenders.
Other clerks(whisper)- Hey. Boss. Ask him.
- Tell him. Mr Cratchit.
- Come on. Do it now. Boss.
Bob Cratchit: Uh. If you please. Mr Scrooge...
It's gotten colder.and the bookkeeping staff...would like
to have an extra shovelful of coal for the fire.
Other clerks:
Clerk 1: We can't do the bookkeeping.
Clerk 2: Yeah. All of our pens
have turned to ink-cicles.
Clerk 3: Our assets are frozen!
Scrooge: ( shouts)How would the bookkeepers like to be
suddenly unemployed?
Clerks: ( Suddenly act overheated while singing)
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Heatwave!This is my island in the sun.Boy, am I roasting!
Bob Cratchit: l-I believe you've convinced them once
again. Mr Scrooge.
Narrator: At that moment. who should arrive at the door..
but Scrooge's nephew. Fred. his only living relative
Rizzo:
Nephew Fred? I don't see him.
Narrator: Trust me.
( Nephew Fred enters smiling and happy)
Nephew Fred: Hello. Uncle?
Rizzo: You're very good at that. Mr Dickens.
Nephew Fred: A Happy Christmas. Uncle Scrooge.
Scrooge:
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Nephew Fred: Christmas is a loving.honest and charitable
time.And though it's never put a scrap of gold or silver
in my pocket...I believe that Christmas has done me good
and will do me good...and I say. God bless it!
Clerks : Yeah. Yeah. Yeah!
Scrooge( shouting at the clerks) And how does one
celebrate Christmas
on the unemployment line?
Narrator: Now. In these times. It was customary on
Christmas Eve...for well-meaning gentlemen to call upon
businesses...collecting donations for the poor and
homeless.
( Gentleman 1 and Gentleman 2 enter the shop.)
Gentleman 2;Mr Scrooge. I presume?
Scrooge:
Gentleman 1:
Scrooge...
Gentleman 1:
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Scrooge:
Nothing.
Gentleman 2:
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Scrooge:
Humbug!
Bob Cratchit:
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Scrooge:
(shouts)Hardly customary.
Scrooge:
Be here all the earlier the next morning.
(Scrooge puts back on his muffler and leaves)
(Scene ends as Bob Cratchitt and the clerks tidy up
the office and leave as well Crachitt leaves the office,
laughing and joking with the clerks. They play at
snowballs or making a snowman))
.
Start of sceen 2
Narrator: Scrooge lived in chambers which had once
belonged...
to his old business partners, Jacob and Robert Marley.
Rizzo:
Have an apple?
Narrator:
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Narrator: The building was a dismal heap of brick on a
dark street. Now. Once again. I must ask you to remember
that Jacob Marley was dead.. And decaying in his grave.
Rizzo: Yuck!
Narrator: That one thing you must remember...or nothing
that follows will seem wondrous.
Rizzo: Um. Why are you whispering?
Narrator:
Rizzo: Oh.
Start of sceen 3
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put his hand upon the key he had relinquished, turned it
sturdily, walked in, and lighted his candle.
Nararator: To say that Scrooge was not startled would be
untrue. Still. The moment had passed. and the world was as
it should be.
Narrator: Come on. Rizzo. We'll follow him in.
Rizzo: In a minute. I had a little bag of jelly beans
over here.
Narrator; Will you just get over here!
Rizzo:
Steady. Steady.
Narrator:
Pardon?
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Scrooge:
Jacob Marley?
Marley: Scrooge!
Scrooge:
Humbug.
Marley:
Marley:
not?
Scrooge:
I do. I must. But why do spirits walk the
earth, and why do they come to me?''
Marley: It is required of every man,that he should walk
abroad among his fellow-men, if that spirit goes not forth
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in life, it is condemned to do so after death. It is
doomed to wander through the world -- oh, woe is me! -and witness what it cannot share, but might have shared on
earth, and turned to happiness!
(spectre raised a cry, and shook its chain, and wrung its
shadowy hands).
Scrooge( trembling.) You are fettered `Tell me why?
Marley: I wear the chain I forged in life, I made it link
by link, and yard by yard; I girded it on of my own free
will, and of my own free will I wore it. Is its pattern
strange to you?
(Scrooge trembled more and more).
Marley: Or would you know, , the weight and length of the
strong coil you bear yourself? It was full as heavy and as
long as this, seven Christmas Eves ago. You have laboured
on it, since. It is a ponderous chain!
Scrooge: Old Jacob Marley, tell me more. Speak comfort to
me, Jacob.
Marley: I have none to give,Ebenezar. Nor can I tell you
what I would. A very little more, is all permitted to me.
I cannot rest, I cannot stay, I cannot linger anywhere. My
spirit never walked beyond our counting-house -- mark me!
-- in life my spirit never roved beyond the narrow limits
of our bank; and weary journeys lie before me!
Scrooge.:
Marley:
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`Scrooge: You might have got over a great quantity of
ground in seven years,
( The Ghost, on hearing this, set up another cry, and
clanked its chain so hideously )
Marley: Oh! captive, bound, and double-ironed, not to know
Not to know that no space of regret can make amends for
one life's opportunities misused! Yet such was I! Oh! such
was I!
Scrooge: But you were always a good man of business,
Jacob,
Marley: Business!
(Ghost, wringing its hands) Mankind
was my business. The common welfare was my business;
charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence, were, all,
my business.
(It held up its chain at arm's length dropping it heavily
upon the ground again).
Marley: Hear me! My time is nearly gone.
Scrooge: `I will, But don't be hard upon me!.
Marley: I am here to-night to warn you, that you have yet
a chance and hope of escaping my fate.
Scrooge: You were always a good friend to me,
Marley: You will be haunted, by Three Spirits.
Scrooge: Is that the chance and hope you mentioned,
Jacob? I -- I think I'd rather not,
Marley: Without their visits, you cannot hope to shun the
path I tread. Expect the first to-morrow, when the bell
tolls One.
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Scrooge: Couldn't I take 'em all at once, and have it
over, Jacob?.
Scrooge:
Oh.
Humbug.
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Ghost:
I am.
Scrooge:
Ghost:
Scrooge:
Ghost:
Scrooge:
fall.
Ghost:
Narrator:
Rizzo:
Nothin'.
What?
Narrator:
Rizzo:
What?
Narrator:
Rizzo:
Narrator:
Rizzo:
Goodbye. Lunch!
Narrator:
Yeah!
Scrooge:
Spirit:
It is the past.
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Narrator; And so they arrived in Ebenezer Scrooge's
childhood.
Rizzo: That was the worst trip of my life!
Narrator: Well. It's over now.Get it? Its in the past.
(chuckles and nudges Rizzo who moans)
And Scrooge was conscious of a thousand odours...each one
connected with a thousand thoughts...and hopes and joys
and cares...long. Long forgotten.
Scrooge: It's my old school. I was a boy here.That...
That's Henry!And Edmund.Hello. Boys.Hello?
Spirit: These are but shadows of your past. Ebenezer.
They can neither Come and let us go inside. see nor hear
you.
Narrator: And what a flood of memories came back to
him... as Scrooge beheld his old classroom.
Scrooge: I know it all so well. Spirit. The desks. The
smell of the chalk. I chose my profession in this room.
Ghost of past: And is he. Too. Familiar?
Narrator: Scrooge beheld a small boy... a boy he knew. oh.
Very well indeed.
Scrooge: Good heavens. It's me.
Henry(voice from offstage): Hurry. Ebenezer. The last
coach is leaving. Come on.
Edmund(voice from offstage): He never goes home for
Christmas.
Henry(voice from offstage):Guess his family wants to enjoy
their holiday.(both laugh)
Little boy Scrooge:
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Scrooge: I was often alone. More time for reading and
study. The Christmas holiday was a chance to get some
extra work done. solitude.
Ghost of Christmas past: Let us see another Christmas in
this place.
Scrooge They were all very much the same. Nothing ever
changed.
Ghost:
You changed.
Yes. Headmaster.
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Schoolmaster: Well. Young man. You have been
apprenticed to a fine company in London. Today you become
a man of business.
Young Scrooge:
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Fezziwig: It's time for the Christmas
( Everyone starts cheering and singing)
party to begin!
It was short.
I loved it!
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Scrooge: Nothing particular, No. I should like to be able
to say a word or two to my clerk just now! That's ll.'
Mrs. Fezziwig:
Fezziwig:
Clerks;
Fezziwig:
It's a pleasure having youhere at the party.
Please. Enjoy yourself.
Young Scrooge:
Fezziwig:
Yes.
(laughingly)Oh Mr
Fezziwig!
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Ghost of Christmas Past: There was. Of course.
another Christmas Eve.. with this young woman some years
later.
Scrooge: Oh. Please... do not show me that Christmas.
( lights go out. Two seated, Belle and Young Scrooge)
Belle :
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Scrooge: Spirit. Show me no more. Why do you delight in
torturing me?
Ghost of Christmas Past: I told you. These were the
shadows of the things that have been. That they are what
they are. do not blame me.
Scrooge: Leave me!
( lights out. Lights on and Scrooge is alone, kneeling on
the floor)
Narrator: Scrooge was left alone and exhausted in his
bedchamber. And thus he remained until the nearby clock
began to strike the hour.
Rizzo; (aside to the Narrator)What was that? Oh. Is it too
early for breakfast?
Narrator; ( aside) Yes.
Rizzo: Oh. Good. Supper time.( Grabs something from his
pocket and eats it)
Narrator: Scrooge knew that the second of the ghosts was
due to appear. Yet now. As the clock finished striking...
( Ghost is dressed in rich robes with a large mug in his
hand. There is food and candles on a table nearby)
Ghost of Christmas Present: Come in and know me better.
Man.
Ghost of Christmas Present: Come in and know me better.
Man. Did I already say that?
Scrooge: You did. Yeah.
Ghost of Christmas Present: I am the Ghost
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of Christmas Present. This is the night before the dawn
before the day of Christmas! Did I tell you that I am the
Ghost of Christmas Present?
Scrooge: You did. Yeah
Ghost of Christmas Present:
Man!
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Nephew Fred: We've had the plum pudding and sung
the carols. What now. My lovelies
Clara:
A game. Fred.
Nephew Fred:
Guest 1:
A wonderful game!
Guest 1:
Oh. Yes!
Guest 2:
Is it vegetable?
Nephew Fred:
Guest 2:
No.
Mineral?
Nephew Fred:
Guest 2:
No.
Animal. Then?
Is it found on a farm?
Nephew Fred:
Never.
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Guest 2:
In the city?
Nephew Fred:
Guest 1:
Usually.
Nephew Fred:
Guest 2:
Certainly not!
Nephew Fred:
Guest 2:
No.
Guest 1:
A cat?
Guest 2:
A cat?
I said it first.
Nephew Fred:
Clara:
No.
Nephew Fred:
Clara:
Often.
A mouse.
Nephew Fred:
Guest 1:
No.
Guest 2:
A rat.
A cockroach.
Nephew Fred:
Guest 1:
No.
Nephew Fred:
wonderful.
A leech.
(Shakes his head) Oh. Dear. It's too
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Nephew Fred:
Then what?
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Kate: Here's Martha, mother!
Dan: Here's Martha, mother! ``Hurrah! There's such a
goose, Martha!''
Mrs. Cratchit: Why, bless your heart alive, my dear, how
late you are!'' (taking off her shawl)
Martha: We'd a deal of work to finish up last night,and
had to clear away this morning, mother!''
Mrs. Cratchit: Well! Never mind so long as you are come,
Sit ye down before the fire, my dear, and have a warm,
Lord bless ye!''
Kate; There's father coming,
Mrs. Cratchit:
Peter:
goose.
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Happy Christmas. Girls.
Happy Christmas. Lads
Children; Happy Christmas.
Mrs. Cratchit: Children. Children. Children! Now... Now
it's time to set the table.Go ahead.
Tiny Tim: Wait for me!
Kate : Oh. Peter!
Dan ; Hurray for the Christmas dinner!
Tiny Tim: ( looking at the goose)The goose!
The goose!(cough)
Bob Cratchit: Oh. No. No. Now. Son. Son.
now you've gotten too excited.
Mrs. Cratchit: You go sit in your chair a moment. Okay.
Rest. Rest a moment. How was he at church?
Bob Cratchit: As good as gold and better.He told me that
he hoped the people saw him in church because...it might
be pleasant for them to remember upon Christmas Day...who
made lame beggars walkand blind men see.
Rizzo;A remarkable child!
Narrator: And with that. The Cratchitscame to what was
surely...the happiest single moment in all the livelong
year.
Scrooge:
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Mrs. Cratchit:
glass)
Cheers!
Mrs. Cratchit; Let's all take our seats now. Let's have
dinner.
Scrooge: Spirit. Tell me if Tiny Tim will live.
Ghost of Christmas Present: That is the future. My realm
is the present. However. Ah. I see a vacant seat by the
chimney corner... and a crutch without an owner. If these
shadows remain unaltered... I believe the child will die.(
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pauses and then using Scrooges tone of voice) What then?
If he's going to die. he had better do it... and decrease
the surplus population.
Scrooge: Oh. Spirit.( hides his head in his hands)
Narator: As the Cratchit family vanished into the
darkness...
Scrooge kept his eyes upon Tiny Tim until the last.
Ghost of Christmas Present: Come. My time grows short.
Scrooge: Spirit. Do you grow old?
Ghost of Christmas Present: I do.
Scrooge: Are spirits' lives so short?
Ghost of Christmas Present: My time upon this globe is
very brief. I believe it will end upon the stroke of
Uh!
One.(Bong)
Scrooge: Now? But. Spirit. I have learned so much from you
(Bong)
Narrator: Nothing Scrooge could do or say could stop the
relentless march... (Bong) Of those terrible bells. (Bong)
Scrooge: Oh. Spirit. Do not leave me.
Ghost of Christmas Present: I think I must. In fact.
Scrooge: You have meant so much to me. You have changed
me.
Ghost of Christmas Present: And now I leave you with the
Ghostof Christmas Yet to Come.
Scrooge: You mean the future?
Must I?
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Scrooge: Am I in the presence. of the Ghost of Christmas
Yet to Come?
( Ghosts doesnt make a sound) Spirit. I fear you more...
than any spectre I have yet met.
Rizzo: Oh. This is too scary. I don't think I want to see
any more.
Narrator: You're on your own. Folks.
We'll meet you at the finale.
Scrooge: I am prepared to follow and to learn... with a
thankful heart.
Will you not speak to me?( Ghost moves toward the window
and beckons Scrooge to take his hand)
Scrooge: Oh. Yes. Yes. Lead on. Spirit.
( Scene opens in the street. Two men are speaking)
Gentleman 1: No. I don't know much about it either way. I
only know he's dead.
Gentleman 2:
When?
Gentleman 1:
Gentleman 2:
never go.
Gentleman 1:
Gentleman 2:
his money.
Gentleman 1:
Gentleman 2:
Gentleman 1:
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Gentleman 2:
Gentleman 1:
Gentleman 2:
Gentleman 1:
Hey? - What?
Gentleman 2:
Gentleman 1:
I say! Speaking of lunch... Oh. Good Lord.
Look at the time.
Gentleman 2:
Hear. Hear!
Old Joe: Well. Let me see. What do you got for old Joe.
Eh? What do you got for me to remember him by?
Mrs. Toliver: Joe. Get off!
Mrs Dilber; Well. I got these collar buttons from his
dresser. Mother-of-pearl.
Old Joe:
Mrs. Toliver;
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Mrs Dilber:
Old Joe:
Oh.
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Mrs. Cratchit: Th-There. There now. My eyes get weak in
the... in the dim light. I would not want to show weak
eyes to your father...
( Mrs. Cratchit gets up and starts dusting)
when he gets home for anything in the world.
Peter; He... He should be back now.
Mrs. Cratchit: I think he's walked a little slower
these past two evenings.
Bob Cratchit:
Children:
Hello. My dears.
D-Daddy.
Bob Cratchit:
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( lights fade and Ghost and Scrooge are in a graveyard0
Scrooge: Must we return to this place? There's something
else that I must know.. is that not true? Spirit. I know
what I must ask. I fear to. But I must. Who was the
wretched man whose death brought so much...
glee and happiness to others?
( Ghost points to a gravestone)
Answer me one more question. Are these the shadows of
things that will be... or are they the shadows of things
that may be only? These events can be changed.
( Scrooge wipes the dirt from the stone)Ebenezar Scrooge
Oh. Please. Spirit. No.
A life can be made right. Hear me.
I'm not the man I was. Why would you show me this
if I was past all hope? l... I will honour Christmas
and try to keep it all the year.
I will not shut out the lessons
the spirits have taught me. Tell me that I may sponge out
the writing on this stone.
( Ebenezar kneeling by the ghost and begging)
( l ights go out and then on again)
( Ebenezar kneeling holding a blanket)
Oh. Spirit. Please speak to me. I'm home.
Narrator: Yes. The bedposts were his own. The bed was his
own. The room was his own.
Rizzo:
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Narrator: But the thing that made Scrooge happiest of
all... was that his life lay before him and it could be
changed.
Scrooge: Oh. Heaven and the Christmas time be praised for
this day. I say it on my knees. Jacob Marley. On my knees.
Oh. They're not torn down. They're here. And I'm here.
More is the miracle. I don't know what to do.
l-I'm as light as a feather. I'm as happy as an angel.
I'm... I'm as merry as a schoolboy.
Scrooge:
What's today?
Boy: Pardon?
Scrooge:
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Scrooge: I am being serious. Buy it for me. and I'll give
you a shilling.
Boy:
Oh!
Scrooge:
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Gentleman 2:I don't know what to say.
Gentleman 1: I just wish there was something
we could give you.
Scrooge: A gift? A gift for me? Thank you.
And a Happy Christmas.
Boy:
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Bob Cratchitt:
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