INTRODUCTION TO SHADOW D/S

What is Shadow?
It is, metaphorically, the shadow thrown when the light of our persona (our consciously expressed
public personality) meets the larger reality of our Self.
Most of us have been brought up to acknowledge and express only a limited, socially acceptable
portion of our total personality. The socially unacceptable parts remain unacknowledged, generally
deeply repressed in our own unconscious minds.
A primary focus of Shadow D/s is to rediscover, retrieve and integrate the many beautiful and
profoundly creative aspects of self, feelings, talents and sensibilities that lie locked away in our
shadow. That are pushed down into the unconscious by powerful social conditioning that affects every
single one of us during our formative years and beyond.
However we must also be aware that along with these qualities the same social conditioning will have
repressed many ignoble and destructive feelings and facets that if justified or denied will generate
rationalisations for acts that can bring only the most negative consequences to ourselves and others.
Indeed wherever we look in the present world, or back through history, we may find examples of
human beings acting out the worst excesses of their shadow whilst somehow managing to excuse and
justify their behaviour, at least to themselves if not to others.
The hallmark of such rationalisation of shadow is that the thinking that justifies it will be dualistic, or
'black and white' thinking: Something or someone is either on thing OR another, never both one thing
AND another, and never somewhere in the shades of grey between black and white.
Such dualistic thinking allows a psychopath to determine that what he feels is real whilst everybody
else's feelings are meaningless and of no value or concern, other people are not even 'real' to him: since
he perceives himself as real others simply cannot be, therefore to him other people's pain and suffering,
even their deaths are not real. Such thinking allowed the Nazis to rationalise the institutionalised
murder of millions simply on the basis of whether or not they were Aryan OR animals. No shades of
grey, no subtleties of thought.
History and indeed the present suffering in our modern world shows us that he atrocities that a human
being is capable of, when acting out their shadow, know no limits. Consequently there is both an
individual and a collective fear of shadow and this fear in turn generates the tendency to justify,
rationalise and deny that we should all be extremely wary of. So wary in fact that we must be
absolutely and totally clear that the actions we intend will do no harm to ourselves or others before
proceeding.
Such is the level of fear that most people will choose a dualistic option: They will either deny their
shadow and live their lives in determined ignorance, or they will explore their shadow and seek
justifications for whatever emerges without much scrutiny, conscience or reflection. Those who work
self responsibly with shadow, who engage with it, dance with it and mine it for the treasures it holds
will be richly rewarded, but it takes an uncommon courage to do so.
That which we call 'shadow work' is the combination of insights, skills, techniques and understandings

that together allow shadow to be explored in relative safety and which hopefully minimise the mistakes
we make along our path of inner healing and self discovery.
How does shadow relate to D/s, kink, fetish and bdsm?
Most people reading this will already be at least a little familiar with exploring their shadow self, they
simply will have used their own terminology to describe their experiences.
They will also be familiar with the stages through which this occurs: First there is the stage where one
dares to acknowledge a thought, feeling or desire that was previously held in shadow. As it comes into
conscious awareness we enter the second stage, normally entailing some degree of internal conflict
wherein the aspect of self newly emerged from shadow argues it out with a socially conditioned aspect.
It is at this stage that many people turn to the internet for information, seeking clarity and self
understanding.
Next we move into the third stage where there is acceptance and integration, often this involves our
revealing this new found aspect of Self to at least one other; sharing and discussing the feelings and
ideas that have emerged. This sharing will then often trigger further release and emergence from
shadow so that the cycle begins over again.
In this way even someone who is very familiar with their shadow in the sense of sexual kinks, bdsm
practices and so forth, may be totally unfamiliar with many other aspects of their shadow. This is
because shadow remains shadow until the light of awareness is shone in to it, if this light is sustained
then the shadows melt away to be replaced with self understanding.
Before the internet made it relatively easy for like minded people to connect with each other many
people spent their lives completely isolated, believing themselves to be almost entirely alone with their
dreams, fantasies and desires. If such an individual was determined enough they may have found
means to connect with others, but relatively speaking it was extremely difficult compared to now. Nor
of course was there the same enormous volume of accessable information, guidance and advice
available in the more general sense of books, stores selling bdsm and fetish wear and so on. Sure they
were there, but hidden away.
The last few years have seen a shift in the broader society's collective shadow. Nowadays even popular
magazines selling in their millions are recommending mild kinks and light bondage as means of spicing
up their reader's sex lives. Yet in reaction to this we see an outcry from the fundamentalists and hardcore conservatives as they recoil in fear and horror of their sexual shadow and project other aspects of
their shadow, namely their intolerance, self loathing and hatred onto others.
This painful process is part of the maturation of our society and the more of us that understand the
process of bringing the light of understanding into shadow, the more effectively will we be able to
communicate with others and minimise the ignorance, prejudice, hatred and intolerance that is still so
common.
How to conceive of a Shadow Self?
Firstly it is most important to understand that we have many aspects of Self, like the facets of a jewel,
each reflects a different part of our essential being. Some live easily with one another, while some are

very contradictory and often conflictive. Accepting and embracing our complexity is an important stage
in the development of emotional maturity.
We may conceive the Shadow as those aspects of our own being that are not illuminated by the light of
awareness; those parts of us that we do not, cannot or dare not acknowledge. In this sense, the Shadow
is morally neutral or ambiguous. For example, while one person may find it difficult to acknowledge
their feelings of anger, greed, or vindictiveness, another may find it equally difficult to experience or
express sensitivity, gentleness or compassion.
Is Shadow good or bad?
In practice our personal Shadow will tend to be experienced as bad in its entirety, because it represents
those aspects of our personality that we have learned should not be expressed. For example, a person
who holds the feelings of sensitivity and gentleness in their shadow unconsciously believes these
feelings to be wrong in themselves, and expressing them to be a sign of weakness, further that allowing
such weakness to be witnessed by others must generate negative consequences. Normally because this
was what they were told such feelings indicated about their childhood personality.
Consequently as an adult the person fears these feelings, and especially fears being seen to have these
feelings. The feelings are therefore 'bad' and that part of their self that could express them must
therefore also be bad. All this is quite unconscious... consciously they could well have a deep
admiration for people who are gentle and sensitive, yet be simply unable to express these things
themselves.
The Shadow is thus always in some sense bad from the relative perspective of the individual. However,
in absolute terms, or from the perspective of the larger Self, the Shadow is neither good nor bad.
How is the Shadow created?
The Shadow is created through our early childhood learning of social and cultural values, that is
learning, 'who we should be and who we should not be'. Most of this learning occurs at a very young
age, or within a still broader perspective is brought over from previous lives where such values were
deeply instilled, perhaps reconfirmed over many lifetimes. In such cases the child's social conditioning
in this lifetime may be quite insufficient to over-ride what has gone before and the attempts to instill
these alien values may be extremely stressful to the child.
For example a person who has spent many lives subject to the control of others may find herself unable
to respond adequately to modern society's demand that she be autonomous and even aggressively
independent. Likewise a person who has spent the last few lifetimes commanding servants and perhaps
thousands of other men as a soldier, will have a tough time bending to modern society's demand that he
be meek and mild.
These are of course only stereotyped examples, but they serve to illustrate how and why a person who
has struggled to conform to the demands of society may feel a profound sense of relief when they learn
about the D/s lifestyle and are effectively given permission to 'be themselves'.
How can a child create Shadow?
Children think dualistically, that is in black and white terms. They have yet to develop the intellectual

capacity to make fine distinctions and understand complexities. They are either good or bad, feel loved
or hated, there are no 'in betweens', no shades of grey. Remember when you were a child, whether you
think of relationships with friends, clothes or food, the chances are that up to a certain age you either
loved or hated them, depending on your mood and latest experience of them. In the playground a
child's best friend becomes her worst enemy within seconds, and equally quickly her best friend again!
Children are powerless and dependent, and therefore very anxious to 'belong' and to 'fit in', they
desperately need to feel safe. For some children feeling safe equates to feeling secure with reassurance
that their needs will be met, for others safety equates to feeling liked and approved of. For most it is a
combination of the two.
When a child feels disapproved of, criticized or punished the child has no developed capacity to think,
'OK so they like me, but they don't like what I'm doing.' Instead the child believes that the action ...
whatever it is they did to attract disapproval, the feeling that they felt whilst doing whatever they were
doing, the thought that inspired the feeling and the whole portion of their Self that can behave, think
and feel in this way ... is wrong.
Given sufficient repetition of the disapproval, criticism, punishment or even the mere withholding of
praise in especially sensitive children, this whole aspect of Self is pushed into Shadow; they have learnt
that this aspect of self is disapproved of, is unwanted, does not 'belong', or is unlovable ... which of
these determines how deeply into shadow the aspect goes.
Broadly speaking the earlier in a child's life that an aspect of self went into Shadow the more deeply
repressed it will be and the more fear will be associated with it re-emerging.
As the child matures into adulthood they make choices and decisions that are attempts to avoid the
awareness of the feelings and beliefs that are held in Shadow, since to do so is both to be frightened,
vulnerable and often to be convinced of ones own innate unworthiness for love.
What is held in Shadow?
Remembering that our personal Shadow is made up of 'who we think we ought not to be', and
'everything we are frightened of feeling', the answer to this question could be anything. It all depends
upon the belief systems engrained within the culture we were brought up in. To take an absurd example
there are tribal peoples who consider that sneezing in public is disgusting and offensive, but since they
subsist on vast quantities of beans and legumes flatulence is perfectly acceptable!
Everybody has a Shadow self that contains many unconscious feelings and beliefs. For example if
someone believes that they have never had a kinky or sexually bizarre fantasy in their life it merely
demonstrates how deeply such thoughts and feelings are buried in their Shadow. As such in Shadow
D/s we are clear in making no 'Us and Them' type distinction between the 'vanilla' world and ourselves.
It is all simply a question of how deeply imaginative and creative sexual self expression have been
pushed into shadow.
Few things make this clearer than the hypocrites that have sought to suppress alternative lifestyles
being proven, often long after their death, to have been 'kinky' themselves. This is part of the projection
of shadow. Consequently the most homophobic of men are the most likely to be repressed
homosexuals, the most vitriolic and most hate filled puritanical evangelists are the most likely to have
their nights filled with dreams of rubber, whips and chains! This is the irony and the insight that allows

us relatively easy access to compassion.

The Shadow is therefore always something of a personal blindspot, indeed we are often surprised and
even shocked by the power of feelings that emerge through Shadow work, as well as amazed by how
crazy and stupid seeming to our adult mind are the beliefs and understandings that we unconsciously
hold true.
How do we become aware of Shadow?
Our Shadow reveals itself continuously through a process known as projection and this occurs in both
positive and negative ways. We are projecting positively when we 'fall in love' in that we are projecting
many qualities we don't believe we have onto another whom we perceive as having them in abundance.
In fact we could not even perceive that quality unless we already had it!
(N.B. Here we are making a distinction between 'falling in love' which is largely a process of projection
and which eventually fades when the bubble of projection inevitably bursts, and loving someone which
is about unconditional love in the longer term.)
Positive projection does not imply a positive outcome as most people can attest!
Negative projection is to project onto another attributes or qualities we fear, despise and which we
would be extremely uncomfortable to acknowledge within ourselves. When we take an instant dislike
to someone it is most often because something about them has triggered a negative projection.
In relationship we need to learn to 'dance with Shadow', that is to be wary of our negative projections
and take responsibility for them as and when we wake up to them, and also to recognize the gift of
positive projection as a reminder of qualities within ourselves we have yet to fully embrace.
To give an example that is critical to understanding Shadow D/s since it shows how we are drawn to
discover our Shadow through relationship:
A dominant may look at his submissive and see her capacity for gentleness, tenderness, patience and
kindness. He values these qualities in her enormously, but his upbringing taught him to associate such
qualities as being 'feminine', and perhaps with being 'weak' or unmanly, yet they are there within his
Shadow ready to emerge in a style that is unique to his authentic self expression. That is to say that he
does not become 'like' anyone else through this process ... he becomes more able to be himself.
A submissive may look at her dominant and see his strength, assertiveness, power and authority. She
values these qualities in him, but her upbringing taught her to associate such qualities with being
unfeminine. Yet these qualities are within her Shadow waiting to be discovered. Again this does not
mean that a submissive should be dominant, only that she realize that she has resources and capacities
she wrongly thinks belong only to other people.
Such examples of gender specific conditioning are very stereotyped, but they are very common
nonetheless. Of course in BDSM culture there are also many examples of people acknowledging their
Shadow: The powerful man or woman who seeks respite in submission, wearied of being responsible
for and holding authority over others. Or the gentle sweet natured man or woman who has finally
gotten fed up with always looking after other people and decides its time they took the whip hand...
sometimes quite literally!

Why Shadow D/s?

Those familiar with transpersonal psychology will question the merits of basing a relationship on
Dominance and submission. They would be right to do so, but wrong in the assumption. A Shadow D/s
relationship is most definitely not founded on dominance and submission, but on trust, clarity of
communication and emotional honesty, which in turn creates a climate in which love may grow.
Nor of course is it founded on Shadow, but the awareness of it and the tools and skills to deal with it
effectively with the intention of ensuring that the words safe, sane and consensual actually mean
something valid.
One could argue that we might have called the approach 'Shadow Kink' or 'Shadow Fetish' or 'Shadow
BDSM' or any one of a dozen different names. We chose Shadow D/s because dominance and
submission are so widely identified with and because we appreciate the irony of the inherent duality!
Are dominating and submitting really socially unacceptable?
Not really ... modern western society has of course come to frown upon an assumption of male
authority in relationship, in a 'politically correct' sense, though this is a very recent phenomenon.
Without stooping to the all time 'low' of political correctness in Shadow D/s we largely applaud this
shift in social expectation. Authority should be invested in those who merit it, who have demonstrated
themselves equal to the responsibilities that go with authority and in this gender is quite irrelevent.
Yet outside of intimate relationship dominance and submission represent two socially conforming
behaviours, which more than adequately demonstrates the hypocrisy that abounds:
Society unquestioningly supports a submissive personality sacrificing their life in a people pleasing
role, perhaps as an under paid nurse or teacher, choosing to perceive such roles as virtuous without
examining the underlying motivations of the person, let alone concerning itself with whether or not the
person is genuinely happy in this role.
The same is true for the way in which society unquestioningly supports a dominant personality in
climbing the rungs of the corporate ladder, striving for 'success' and the never-ending search for
influence and the security of wealth. Again the social assumption is that such behaviour creates its own
happiness and reward.
As always it is not the behaviour itself that determines the outcome, but the intention behind it and the
motivation that drives it. Dominance and submission are therefore everyday behaviours that are given a
socially respectable veneer to obscure the deeper motivation.
In this normal social context and without the map that Shadow D/s affords, it is sadly a very long
learning process driven by perfectionism. It may be that it is only after decades of toil in service that a
submissive personality finally recognizes, having already exhausted her self, that she must learn to put
her own needs before others, for nobody else will. Similarly so many businessmen and women drive
themselves beyond their strength in pursuit of the unattainable goal of perfect power, perfect control,
often wrecking their health in the process.
By contrast a Shadow D/s relationship attempts to strip away the facade. It does not matter whether the

person is conforming to the rules of the broader society or to the rules of a sub culture, it is still
conforming behaviour and as such we question it. Though we respect the emotional honesty of a person
who has had the courage to acknowledge their deepest desires and communicate them to others within
the BDSM or D/s sub culture, especially since this in itself reveals a search for deeper self
understanding, we do not condone, support or encourage anyone to live their life acting out their
shadow.
That said bringing these understandings in to the light of self-awareness is a lengthy process. We must
therefore accept that we are inevitably going to be acting out our shadow to some degree until some far
distant time (for most of us!) when we become fully enlightened and completely self-aware. In the
meantime the only thing we can try to do is to be as genuine and authentic in our self-expression as we
know how.
Sir Julian 2003