19 PERCENT

WRITTEN BY DARREN J SEELEY

1
FADE IN:
INT. REFRIDGERATOR - DAY
The door opens. PENNY (40s) peers inside, scans around
the shelves. Frowns.
JEWEL (17) sneaks beside her.
JEWEL
Stinks.
PENNY
You need something in here?
Jewel grabs a box of donuts.

INT. PENNY'S HOUSE. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Jewel goes over to the counter, pops open the box.
JEWEL
Yuck.
Picks up a nutty.
JEWEL
Meh.
Penny takes off the lid of the milk. Cringes.
She puts it back, panics.
Jewel lifts up another donut. A white sugar. Powder
fluff gets over her fingers.
PENNY
Oh. My. God.
Jewel enjoys the donut.
PENNY
The turkey. The turkey. Please
not the turkey.
Penny closes the door, opens the freezer side.
PENNY

2
Oh. My. God.
Penny rushes to the back of the fridge. Jewel turns,
shuts the freezer door.
PENNY
Unplugged! Who unplugged the
refrigerator!
JEWEL
If you turn off your appliances
for at least fifteen minutes a
day you can save three dollars
on the power bill.
PENNY
What?
JEWEL
Up to three dollars.
PENNY
You unplugged the Thanksgiving morning. You
unplugged-why in God's name?
JEWEL
Didn't unplug it this morning.
Unplugged it yesterday.
Besides, light came on.
PENNY
Emergency battery. But that's
beside the - oh my God what am
I going to do?
MINUTES LATER
A mushy pumpkin pie falls into a trashcan.
Penny pitches a spoiled turkey.
JEWEL
Read the other day how nineteen
percent of all food not eaten
at the dinner table winds up in
landfills and becomes methane
gas.
PENNY

3
Now's not the time.
JEWEL
Contributes to global warming.
PENNY
Jewel?
JEWEL
Yeah, mom?
Penny gives her the evil eye.
HALLWAY
JAKE (12) decked out in his Miami Dolphins bathrobe,
yawns as he strolls on. He passes by a bedroom door with
varied environmental causes, groups and slogans taped on
it.
Jewel storms toward him. Jake spurts to life.
JAKE
Good morning
JEWEL
Close it.
JAKE
Something wrong?
JEWEL
Shut up, twerp.
JAKE
Nice going.

KITCHEN- MINUTES LATER

Jake observes the donut box, frowns. Selects the nutty.
Penny, across the table from him, head down in her arms,
like a school kid having a quiet time out.
Jake takes a huge bite.
JAKE

4
Want to talk about it? You're
gonna anyway.
PENNY
Don't talk with your mouth
full.
Jake rolls the food in his mouth. Swallows it down.
Penny slaps one hand up and down on the table.
PENNY
What am I going to do, what am
I going to do!
JAKE
We can always get more donuts.
Penny's head pops up.
PENNY
Stuffing! Please tell me I have
stuffing or instant potatoes!
She darts away from the table. Searches for items O.S.
Jake downs a cup of juice. Gargles it. Swishes.
Swallows.
PENNY (O.S.)
Thank you God!
JAKE
Thank God for stuffing and
potatoes.
PENNY (O.S.)
Sliced beets! Four cans of
sliced beets! Thank you, sweet
Lord!
Jake gulfs down the rest of the donut.
Penny moves things around in a cupboard O.S.
PENNY (O.S.)
We're in business!

5
JAKE
(mouth full)
What you find?
She shows him her joy.
A generic can of green beans.
Jake gulps.

INT. TAYLOR'S OFFICE - DAY

SUPER: 24 HOURS AGO
TAYLOR (late 20s) headset, dress shirt and loud tie,
does boxing moves in the comfort of his own office.
CLIENT
(on intercom)
I don't know, Taylor. I don't
want to make any snapTAYLOR
Would I mess with you? No! Jam
you up? No! Who's the numero
uno guy who's going to help you
out?
CLIENT
You have. ButTAYLOR
Who's the ace in the deck, got
that right. Who's gotten you
out of tight spots?
CLIENT
Well. Your company hasTAYLOR
Right! You call us. You call
me. Why? Because we get
results! I get results! I wanna
hear it, Stewart!
CLIENT
You're the man, Taylor!

6
TAYLOR
It's your birthday!
CLIENT
You are the man!
TAYLOR
Top notch hopscotch bread and
butter! You know what tomorrow
is?
CLIENT
Yes!
TAYLOR
Gobble! Gobble! You got
something extra to be thankful
for!

MAIN FLOOR
Taylor stands silent in front of his office, surrounded
by fellow employees. He studies each face. His face
jollies up.
TAYLOR
It's gone through!
Celebration! Everyone claps, cheers.
TAYLOR
Party at my place to-night!
A CO-WORKER (30s) gives a thumbs up.
CO-WORKER
You are the man!

INT. TAYLOR'S HOUSE

LIVING ROOM - MORNING

All over the floor, crowded on every table: Bottles of

gin and beer. Some empty. Some spilled over.
Stains on a carpet.
Soda crackers and potato chips.

7
The drunk CO-WORKER passed out, upside down on the
couch. Shirt out, pants on. No shoes. One right sock.
The other sock- in the fish tank.
The catfish ignores it.
A cell phone rings. Sounds of a marching band.
TAYLOR'S RIGHT HAND rises from somewhere below O.S.
Scrambles around the edge of a table. Knocks over beer
bottles.
Finally- fingers find the cell phone. Yanks phone away.
TAYLOR (O.S.)
Yeah. I'm sitting down.
Sits up in a jiffy. His hair messy. Wrinkled clothes
with a mustard stain, loose tie.
TAYLOR
Calm down, calm down. Not the
end of the world.
YOLANDA (20s) stretches, broods up beside Taylor. Her
makeup smeared, hair partially covers her face. A few
buttons on her blouse undone, just enough for cleavage.
YOLANDA
Who's calling you this early?
Taylor cups his phone.
TAYLOR
My sister.
YOLANDA
(hung over)
Hi, sister!
TAYLOR
Hey, hey, you mind?
(back on phone)
Just a friend, co-worker.
Yolanda. You met her once.
Taylor notices the cleavage out of the corner of his
eye.

8
TAYLOR
What? No, no, no. Not here. I
can'tSighs. Looks at his watch. Upside down. Takes it off and
puts it on right.
TAYLOR
Yes, I'm sorry I didn't go on
the Bahamas cruise with mom and
dad. I had work, and they
wanted you to go anyway.
Yolanda finds a bottle, checks it. Finishes it off.
TAYLOR
No, that's alright. I'll call
him. We'll work something out.
You know me. It's under
control.
Frowns.
TAYLOR
Four hours. I understand. Bye.
(to Yolanda)
Hey, I really could use some
help withYolanda passes out.
TAYLOR
Okay. Scratch that.
Dials a number.

INT. NICK'S APARTMENT.TV ROOM - MORNING

Macy's parade on TV.
A bowl of popcorn on a dinner tray in front of
NICK (late 30s) who picks up his cell phone on the first
buzz.

9
INTERCUT
TAYLOR
You are the man!
NICK
Taylor?
TAYLOR
That's right, Nick! Listen up!
I'm in the zone, man. I'm in
the zone. The Battle Zone, the
Twilight Zone.
NICK
Okay. You're in the zone.
TAYLOR
The end zone! And I need my
pass to score the winning play!
You with me!?
NICK
I think so.
TAYLOR
Penny called. Turkey spoiled,
milk turned to cottage cheese
and you don't want to know what
happened to the squash!
NICK
So why is that a problem?
People just bring something.
TAYLOR
No, my man! The food's all bad
and it stinks up the place. Her
kids are wearing clothespins on
their noses and she's breaking
out the gas masks! We got to
have it somewhere else!
NICK
Your folks are on the cruise in
the Bahamas. How about your
place?

10
TAYLOR
No, just as bad, maybe worse.
That leaves y-o-u and an i-o-u.
So it has to be you!
NICK
My apartment?
TAYLOR
That's right!
NICK
Couldn't we just call up a good
restaurant, be done with it?
TAYLOR
Everything's booked!
NICK
Did you check? Doesn't have to
be anything fancy.
TAYLOR
No! That is not an acceptable
answer!
NICK
I'm just saying you know.
Doesn't hurt to look.
TAYLOR
Well, yeah, if you go to Pizza
Shack or Taco Macho or
something! But it's Turkey Day,
people want bird! They don't
want pizza, they don't want
enchiladas! They want greens!
They want potatoes! They want
to pass the pepper, pass the
salt, they want to eat bird!!
NICK
Mo Po Tofu.
TAYLOR
What did you just say?
NICK
I can make Mo Po Tofu.

11
TAYLOR
Mo Po Tofu? What the NICK
I can make that.
TAYLOR
You are cooking a dumb bird!
It's not open for discussion.
It isn't a debate. We can do
this, Nick! Because we can! You
can!
NICK
Because I'm the cook. Anything
else?
TAYLOR
Well, yeah. Now that you
mention it...

EXT. TAYLOR'S HOUSE - MORNING

Taylor, hair slicked back. Changed dress shirt. Loud
tie.
Opens the door.
Comes out with Nick. They support a passed out Yolanda
to the car.
NICK
Girlfriend?
TAYLOR
Only if she remembers.
They plop her in the backseat next to two paper bags and
the bombed CO-WORKER.
NICK
That's all, right? Nobody in
the closet, nobody in the
attic?
TAYLOR
That's all.

12
Nick looks the two over.
NICK
Maybe we should have called a
cab or Dial-A- Ride or someone.
TAYLOR
Gene lives a few miles from
here, drop him off first, then
Yolanda.
NICK
I'm just saying, you know.
Don't want them to hurl
breakfast in my backseat.
TAYLOR
These are good people. Don't
worry about it.
Pats him on the back.
TAYLOR
It's cool.

INT. NICK'S CAR - DAY

Taylor fiddles with the radio, finds a song he likes and
nods his head.
TAYLOR
Bob with me, Nick.
NICK
Right.
TAYLOR
Because we are in the zone.

EXT. GENE'S HOUSE - DAY

Peaceful suburban neighborhood.
Taylor lifts Co-Worker Gene. Once on the front yard,
Gene falls down on the grass. Taylor swears under his
breath, helps him up.

13
GENE'S WIFE (40s) bolts out of the house with a raised
fist, shouts of rage, and a hockey stick.
GENE'S WIFE
Stupid!
She takes a swing at Taylor, misses.
GENE'S WIFE
Some nerve!
Taylor drops Gene and retreats.
Bolts into Nick's car.
GENE'S WIFE
Thanksgiving morning!
Once in, Nick reverses the car. Gene's wife taps the
hood of the car with the hockey stick.

INT. NICK'S CAR - MOMENTS LATER

Nick floors it.
Taylor bursts in chuckles.
TAYLOR
In the zone!
NICK
What was that?
TAYLOR
Gene's a good guy, but his
wife- a firecracker with a lit
fuse twenty-four seven!
NICK
Aren't you Gene's boss?
TAYLOR
No. What gave you that idea? I
just said I work with him.
Thank God it's Thanksgiving!
NICK
Yeah.

14
Nick slows down.
TAYLOR
No, I mean thank God, because
if it wasn't the holiday, we
wouldn't get out alive.
NICK
Before we get there, does
Yolanda have any psycho exboyfriends?
TAYLOR
No. But she did date a lawyer
once.
NICK
Right.
TAYLOR
Not a nice guy. Buries his
enemies in paperwork.
NICK
How do you know that?
Finally, Taylor sits up straight.
TAYLOR
I'm one of them.
Gets back in the song, sings along. Nick switches
stations.
TAYLOR
What? You don't like that song?
NICK
Love the song. Just don't want
to hear you butcher it.
TAYLOR
Man, that's cold.
NICK
All I'm interested in is doing
our business, getting things
done.

15
TAYLOR
Right. But that doesn't meanYOLANDA
What are you all doing?
Taylor cranes his neck back.
TAYLOR
Hey, how you feeling?
YOLANDA
How do I look?
TAYLOR
Well, IYOLANDA
I'm crap-faced on Thanksgiving
morning. How the hell do you
think I'm feeling?
TAYLOR
We'll get you home. This here
is my sister's boyfriend, Nick.
Nick, Yolanda.
NICK
Nice to meet you. Happy
Thanksgiving.
YOLANDA
Whatever. So, Taylor, what's
the haps?
TAYLOR
My place is a bar, my sister's
place is a sty. Folks in the
Bahamas drinking rum.
YOLANDA
And?
TAYLOR
Having dinner at Nick's.
NICK
My place.

16
YOLANDA
I know who you are already,
okay? So, this is short notice.
Why not just call a
reservation, eat out?
Nick glances over to Taylor.
NICK
Game's on at 12: 30.
Taylor smiles.
YOLANDA
Your place. Don't you need to
fix the place up, dust, vacuum,
clean?
NICK
Before I picked up Taylor, I
gave Penny the key.
TAYLOR
You did what?

INT. NICK'S APARTMENT - DAY

Penny surveys the apartment.
PENNY
Oh dear Lord.
Jewel frowns at the sight of a table lamp with a regular
light bulb.
JEWEL
What kind of man doesn't use
energy saver light bulbs?
Jake, in his Miami Dolphins jersey, hops on over to the
TV room.
PENNY
Wait a minute, Jacob. Nick
doesn't have any video games.
JAKE
He's got TV. Good enough.

17
PENNY
Hey, you guys have never been
over here, don't mess with
stuff.
JAKE
I'm only turning on a TV. I'm
not blowing it up.
PENNY
Don't get smart. We got work to
do.
JAKE
Didn't you just say we won't
mess with stuff?
Cleaning
the same
this for
can give

PENNY
up a little bit is not
thing. Nick's doing
us on short notice. We
him a hand.

JEWEL
Good thing he's not a slob. But
some of these magazines can be
recycled. Oh-My-God! Did you
know about this, mom!?
She holds up the magazine. It's NASCAR related.
JEWEL
He supports Global Warming!

INT. GROCERY STORE - DAY

A modern day maze of doom for any man.
Nick and Taylor review the battlefield. The place is
packed. Lines of people as far as the eye can see.
Yolanda creeps up with a shopping cart.
YOLANDA
I can help.

18
NICK
Don't have the time. You can
wait in the car.
YOLANDA
I can shop for myself, can't I?
TAYLOR
It's a guy thing.
YOLANDA
Guy thing?
TAYLOR
Yeah. See, we know what we
want, what we're looking for.
We find those things. We get
out of here, everyone else eats
our plume of dust.
NICK
Well said.
TAYLOR
Only way to say it.
INT. NICK'S APARTMENT - DAY
Jewel disgusted.
An assortment of cleaning products in front of her.
Jake puzzled.
Jake shrugs, grabs one of the polishes and a roll of
paper towels.
JEWEL
Paper towels. Did you know that
paper towels kills a hundred
trees a month? And the waste of
them contributes to fifty
percent of landfills?
JAKE
That's an exaggeration. It's
not even close I think.

19
JEWEL
Paper towels should be
outlawed. Over half of people's
garbage on a week to week basis
is mostly paper towels and old
food.
JAKE
Like I care.
JEWEL
You better care! These cleaning
agents also contribute to the
destruction of the Ozone layer!
JAKE
Put a cork back in the bottle.

INT. GROCERY STORE. FROZEN MEAT AISLE - DAY

Two WOMEN (both 40s) play tug of war with a frozen
turkey.
Nick finds one frozen turkey in the freezer. Only one
left. He picks it up, puts it in the cart.
A CRAZY WOMAN (40s) springs up and spits a can of pepper
spray at him. As he blocks the blast, the Crazy Woman
snatches the turkey.
She tucks it under her arm, and like a running back,
goes deep in the crowded outfield. She's halfway to
produce when someone unseen in the crowd grabs it from
her.
Hands raise, hold the turkey up high. People jump up for
it.
Taylor springs up like an NBA player, and steals it.
WOMEN grab his shirt, tie.
YOLANDA
Over here! Over here!
Taylor can't make her out, she's somewhere in the mosh
pit.

20
CRAZY WOMAN
Nowhere to go! Nowhere to run!
DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE (30s) waves an accusing finger.
DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE
Give it up, pretty boy!
ELDERY WOMAN raises her lethal umbrella.
ELDERY WOMAN
I'll teach you some manners!
TAYLOR
Well, me and my friends are
going to make it out of here
with this the potatoes, AND his
Mo Po Tofu AND one other thing!
DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE
What's that?
TAYLOR
I'm the man!
Eldery Woman swings. Misses. Taylor backs up.
TAYLOR
Strike one!
ELDERY WOMAN
Have respect for your elders!
TAYLOR
I got this! Nick! Get your
Tofu! Yolanda! Potatoes and
greens!
Somewhere in the rock concert, Nick and Yolanda nod and
hustle to various points of the store.
CRAZY WOMAN
You ain't got a prayer!
TAYLOR
Back up, baby! I am in the
zone!
DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE
Give it up!

21
TAYLOR
We are going to cook the fowl.
The crowd closes in. It looks hopeless.
DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE
You are going to get whipped!
TAYLOR
Well then give me your pumpkin
pie, honey bunny!
As he laughs, he hiccups. Coughs.
A look of fear covers his face.
Too late.
The women scream, get far away from Taylor...as he drops
the turkey on the floor.
Yesterday's booze and today's breakfast all over the
floor.
Pea soup surrounds the frozen turkey.

SHORT TIME LATER

Shopping carts full but no shoppers. Baskets of goods
abandoned.
Musak plays.
CHECKOUT LANE
The CASHIER (18) cringes as she rings up the frozen
turkey. It's cleaned off, but Nick, Yolanda and Taylor
look like they been through World War III.
It seems they have the place to themselves.
NICK
Paper, please.

22
INT. NICK'S APARTMENT - DAY
The apartment: spotless.
Penny and Jewel smile as Nick, Yolanda and Taylor enter
with groceries. Smiles turn to frowns. Frowns to
disgust.
TAYLOR
Not one word.
Walks off towards Nick's bathroom.
PENNY
What happened?
NICK
We got a turkey! And I got my
tofu!
JEWEL
You mean the Tofu flavored like
turkey.
NICK
No, there's turkey, there's my
tofu.
JEWEL
What's the point? Either you're
going vegan or you're not.
NICK
Whatever. Long story. But we
are good to go. This is
Yolanda, Taylor's friend. And I
am ready to get cooking, so I
thank everyone for helping me
tidy up, but now, make way.
PENNY
Can I help with anything?
TAYLOR
(off)
Hey, NickNICK
Yes.

23
JEWEL
You didn't even ask what he
wants.
YOLANDA
He already knows.
BEDROOM
Taylor stands before Nick's open closet of clothes.
LAUNDRY ROOM
Taylor's hands dump the dirty shirt and tie in the
washing machine. Turns a knob to warm water.
TV ROOM
Taylor, now in near identical white dress shirt and a
solid red tie, plops himself on the couch next to Jake.
Confused.
Jake catches on.
JAKE
What?
TAYLOR
Nothing. Forget it.
JAKE
You didn't toss up in Nick's
car did you?
TAYLOR
No.
JAKE
Where did you hurl? Not on the
turkey.
TAYLOR
Yeah. But we got another
turkey. It's good.
JAKE
You smell like beer.

24
TAYLOR
It's cologne.
JAKE
Sure. If you say so.
TAYLOR
Detroit Lions and Chicago
Bears. Who plays at four?
JAKE
Dallas and Baltimore.
TAYLOR
That's right. Dallas and
Baltimore. Miami does not play
against Dallas or Detroit. But
there you are, Miami Dolphins
jersey. I know you like that
team, for whatever reason. It's
alright. But...you know...
JAKE
No. I don't know what you mean.
TAYLOR
They aren't playing.
Jake: clueless.
TAYLOR
It's just...you know. Right?
JAKE
Right?
TAYLOR
Forget it.
JAKE
You didn't really blast on the
turkey, did you?
TAYLOR
You watch the parade?
JAKE
Macy's?

25
TAYLOR
No other.
JAKE
Nope. Stop trying to change the
subject.
NICK'S KITCHEN
Nick puts the turkey in the oven. Sets a timer.
Dumps the contents of a can of spinach into a bowl.
Penny watches him as he makes Mo Po Tofu.

DINNER TABLE
Plates and silverware set out.
Everyone but Nick seated at the table.
Nick comes over, places a plate full of hot turkey next
to a cup of gravy.
Right next to Mo Po Tofu.
NICK
Hot and ready!
TAYLOR
In the Zone!
NICK
And bad to the bone. Okay,
what's everybody thankful for,
then, we'll give thanks to God,
bless the food. Clockwise.
YOLANDA
Thanks for inviting me, letting
me help you guys.
NICK
I was wrong. Couldn't have done
it without you.
YOLANDA
I don't know...

26
NICK
You were a help.
TAYLOR
Thankful for family and
friends. And the deal we closed
yesterday. Thankful that after
a wild night, everyone got home
safe. Thanks to Nick for
letting me borrow a shirt and
using his washer and dryer.
Next in line.
JAKE
Dolphins! Video games! Next!
JEWEL
I want to thank Greenpeace,
PETA, the ACLU and all those
who are with all my causes, and
to those who don't go green may
they burn in a special place in
eternal hell for what they do
to our mother Earth.
Silence for a few moments.
PENNY
Okay, I would like to thank
Nick for making such a great
dinner on short notice, having
us over. He's the best. I would
like to thank God for a good
day.
NICK
Thank everyone for coming. It
was a crazy morning, but we
made it. That said, Thank the
Lord for of you.
A stare from Jewel.
NICK
And The Green Earth.
Jewel smiles.

27
PENNY
Now everyone hold hands, and
let's bless the food.
Once everyone does soPENNY
Thank you God for today, may
you bless this food for we are
about to eat, bless the hands
that helped prepare it. May it
nourish us to our good in
Jesus' name, Amen.
NICK
Dig in!
JAKE
Pass the Tofu and potatoes
please.
PENNY
One at a time.
JAKE
I just don't want the green
beans.
PENNY
Yeah, I know.
JAKE
Besides, Taylor already blessed
the turkey at the store.
Penny stops shy of taking a bit of the turkey.
JEWEL
Yeah, and before that? The bird
had to suffer a horrible fate.
Someone took the poor think,
snaps its neck and takes an axe
and whops its head off! How
would you like something like
that happening to your dog or
cat?
PENNY
Hey.

28
JEWEL
Well, how would you like to eat
your own dog? Raise it up just
to kill it for doggie bacon?
NICK
No one is forcing you to eat
the turkey.
JEWEL
It's an ultimate waste. You'll
just wind up throwing half of
the dead bird out.
PENNY
Jewel- shut up and eat.
JEWEL
I will not be silent! Animals
have rights too!
TAYLOR
Does a turkey vote?
JEWEL
Does a dog?
TAYLOR
We are not eating a dog. We are
not eating a cat. We aren't
having chilled monkey brains.
It is a turkey.
JEWEL
A turkey you tossed on.
TAYLOR
That was a different turkey.
JEWEL
It was still a turkey. A turkey
that died horribly, a turkey
that will never be served. In
the dumpster. Where it rots.
PENNY
I apologize, Nick.

29
NICK
It's alright. I know what this
is. I should have seen - Jewel,
I'm not replacing your father.
I can't fill his shoes. I just
started seeing your mother.
You're in my place, you feel
uncomfortable. I understand.
JEWEL
You do?
NICK
Yes. The bird is cooked. If you
don't want to eat the bird, you
don't eat the bird. I'm not
going to eat it. But it's not
going to waste. Have the tofu.
JEWEL
It's the idea.
NICK
Be glad I didn't choose duck.
Jewel shrugs, takes some tofu.
PENNY
Any other interesting
discussions?
Nick opens a bottle of wine and pours.
NICK
Sure. I'd rather have a toast
before we all lose our minds.
Raises his glass.
NICK
Just the same. To everyone's
mental health!
FADE OUT