Matilda's Family

Narrator: Harry and Zinnia Wormwood lived in a very nice neighborhood in a very nice house, but they were
not really very nice people.
The Wormwoods were so wrapped up in their own silly lives, that they barely noticed they had a
daughter. Had they paid any attention to her at all, they would have realized she was a rather extraordinary child.

Zinnia: Oh, my gosh, Matilda. Now look what you did!

Narrator: They named her Matilda.

Zinnia: You're supposed to eat the spinach. Ooo. Ooo. Ooo. Ooo.
Babies. You're better off raising tomatoes.

Narrator: By the time she was two, Matilda had learned what most people learn in there early thirties; how to
take care of herself.
As time went by, she developed a sense of style. Every morning , Matilda's older brother Michael
went to school. Her father went to work selling used cars for unfair prices, and her mother took off to play
bingo.

Zinnia: Soup's on the stove. Heat it up if you get hungry.

Narrator: Matilda was left alone. That was how she liked it.
 The Reader of Books
Narrator: By the time she was four, Matilda had read every magazine in the house. One night she got up her
courage and asked her father for something she desperately wanted.

Harry: A book? What do you want a book for?

Matilda: To read.

Harry: To read? Why would you want to read when you got the television set sitting right in front of you?
There's nothing you can get from a book that you can't get from a television faster.

Michael: Get out of the way!

Narrator: Matilda already knew that she was somewhat different from her family. She saw that whatever she
needed in this world, she'd have to get herself.

Zinnia: There's fish fingers in the microwave.

Narrator: The next morning after her parents left, she set off in search of a book.

Matilda: Where are the children's books, please?

Librarian: Right over there. Would you like me to pick you out one with lots of pictures in it?

Matilda: No thank you. I'm sure I can manage.

Narrator: From then on, every day, as soon as her mother went to bingo, Matilda walked the ten blocks to the
library, and devoured one book after another.

Narrator: When she finished all the children's books, she started wandering in search of something else. Mrs.
Phelps, who had been watching her with fascination for the past few weeks, offered Matilda some valuable
library information.

Librarian: You know, you can have your very own library card, and then you could take books home, and you
wouldn't have to walk here every day. You can take home as many as you'd like.

Matilda: That would be wonderful.

Narrator: So Matilda's strong, young mind continued to grow, nurtured by the voices of all those authors who
had sent their books out into the world, like ships onto the sea. These books gave Matilda a hopeful and
comforting message; you are not alone.
 Matilda Goes to School
Harry: Any packages come today?
Where'd all this come from?

Matilda: The library.

Harry: The library? You've never set foot in a library. You're only four years old.

Matilda: Six-and-a-half.

Harry: You're four!

Matilda: Six-and-a-half!

Harry: If you were six-and-a-half, you'd be in school already.

Matilda: I want to be in school. I told you I was supposed to start school in September. You wouldn't listen.

Harry: Get up, get up, get out of here, give me that book.
Dearest pie, how old is Matilda?

Zinnia: Four.

Matilda: I'm six-and-a-half, mommy!

Zinnia: Five, then!

Matilda: I was six in August.

Harry: You're a liar.

Matilda: I want to go to school.

Harry: School? It's out of the question. Who would be here to sign for the packages? We can't leave valuable
packages sitting out on the doorstep. Now go watch TV like a good kid.

Zinnia: You know, sometimes I think there's something wrong with that girl.

Harry: Hmph, tell me about it.

Michael: Hey, dipface, have a marshmallow. Have another marshmallow, dipface!

Narrator: Sometimes Matilda longed for a friend like the ones in her book, someone like the kind, courageous
people in her books. It occurred to her that, like talking dragons and princesses with hair long enough to climb,
such people might exist only in storybooks.
But Matilda was about to discover that she could be her own friend, That she had a kind of strength
that she wasn't even aware of.
 Arithmetic
Harry: I'm great. I'm incredible.
Michael! Pencil and paper, in the kitchen.

Zinnia: Did we sell some cars today?

Harry: Did we?!?

Zinnia: Does that mean we can get that new TV?

Harry: Yeah. . Son, one day you're going to have to learn your own living. It's time you learned the family
business. Sit down. Right this down.
All right. The first car your brilliant father sold cost $320. I sold it for $1,158. The second one cost
$512. I sold it for $2,269.

Michael: Wait, dad. You're going too fast.

Harry: Just write. The third cost $68. I sold it for $999. And the fourth cost $1,100, and I sold it for 7, 839
big American boffos.
What was my profit for the day?

Michael: Could you repeat the last one?

Matilda: $10,265.. Check it if you don't believe me.

Harry: You're a little cheat. You saw the paper.

Matilda: From all the way over here?

Harry: Are you being smart with me? If you're being smart with me, young lady, you're going to be
punished.

Matilda: Punished for being smart?

Harry: For being a smart aleck! When a person is bad, that person has to be taught a lesson!

Matilda: Person?

Harry: Get up, get up...

Narrator: Harry Wormwood had unintentionally given his daughter the first practical advice she could use.
He meant to say, "When a child is bad." Instead he said, "When a person is bad." And thereby introduced a
revolutionary idea: that children could punish their parents, only when they deserved it, of course.
 The Platinum-Blond Man
Harry: Michael, come in to my room.

Michael: What!

Harry: My boy. Today's the day I take you to the shop. What do you say?

Michael: I don't know. What do you say, dad?

Harry: I say appearance is nine-tenths of the law. People don't buy a car. They buy me. Which is why I take
such good care of myself. Well-oiled hair. Clean shaved. Snappy suit.
Now run along and get ready for a big day of learning, kid. And it's going to be a big day of learning,
too. There's a sucker born every minute, and we're going to take 'em for all they've got.

Michael: Give me the cookies!

Zinnia: Here.

Harry: Okay, my boy, heir to the throne. Today we diddle the customer.
What's wrong with you? What are you looking at?
Lovekins, where's my breakfast?

Zinnia: Here we are, my heart strings.

Snickerdoodle, what did you do to your hair?

Harry: My hair? Aaaahhhhhh!

 The FBI

Narrator: Dirty dealings, like buying stolen car parts, never stay secret for long. Especially when the FBI gets
involved.

FBI 1: 9:17, suspect exits domicile.

FBI 2: I've got 9:18.

FBI 1: 9:17 is correct.

 Mr Wormwood, the Great Car Dealer

Harry: Michael, one day all this will be yours. See this junker. I paid a hundred dollars for her. She's got
120,000 on her. Transmission's shot, bumpers are falling off. What do I do with her?!? I sell her!
We really should weld these bumpers on, but that takes time, equipment, money. So we use 'Super
Super Glue' instead. Go ahead. Put it on there.

Matilda: Won't it fall off?

Harry: Definitely.

Matilda: Isn't that dangerous?

Harry: Not to me. Okay?

Transmission.. The sawdust quiets the gears and lets the motor run as sweet as a nut, for a couple
of miles.

Matilda: Daddy, that's cheating.

Harry: Of course that's cheating. Nobody ever got rich being honest.
Twenty years ago we could turn the numbers back by hand, but, here, take my hat! But the feds like
to test the ingenuity of the American businessman.
Two directional drill. You run it backwards, the numbers go down. Watch the speedometer. See?

Matilda: Daddy, you're a crook. This is illegal.

Harry: Here. Keep drilling. . Do you make money?!? Do you have a job?!?

Matilda: No. But don't people need good cars? Can't you sell good cars, dad?

Harry: Listen, you little wiseacre. I'm smart; you're dumb. I'm big; you're little. I'm right; you're wrong. And
there's nothing you can do about it.

Zinnia: Harry! I won! I won! I hit the double bingo! Come, everybody. I'm taking you all to Caf Le Ritz.

Harry: Let me see the money.

Zinnia: Never mind. God, your hair looks awful. I hope they let you in.

Harry: They'll let me in.

Matilda: Here's your hat, daddy.

Harry: Get in the car. . How much?

Zinnia: It's for me to know, and you to find out.

 The Hat and the Superglue
Zinnia: It's nice to go out sometimes, isn't it? You never take us out.

Harry: Of course, I do. I took you to "The Flipper".

Zinnia: I don't remember no "Flipper".

Harry: The fish joint. Remember? You found that comb in the bouillabaisse.

Zinnia: Oh, yeah. I liked that joint.

Waiter: Bon jour. This way, please.

Zinnia: Harry, take your hat off. This is a nice place. You can't wear a hat inside.

Harry: I can't take it off.

Zinnia: Harry, nobody cares what your hair looks like.

Harry: I can't get it off.

Zinnia: What's with this hat?!?

Harry: I can't get it off. I can't get it off.

Zinnia: Just a minute. I'm going to get this hat off.

Harry: Pull it. Pull it.

Zinnia: I think your hat swelled up really bad.

Harry: You're pulling the skin.

Zinnia: You're such a baby. Stop it!

Harry: Fibers are fused to the head.

Zinnia: Fibers are fused. What is that supposed to mean?!?

 The First Miracle
Harry: I will not be the figure of ridicule. I want respect, and I want it now.

Zinnia: I still don't see how you glued your hat to your head, Harry. I mean, I know you say you didn't, but
obviously you did.

Harry: I did not glue my hat to my head. The hat shrunk, and the fibers fused to my hair.

Zinnia: Baby! Wait a minute. I'm getting it now. I'm getting it. One more. Oh, my god.

Harry: From now on, this family does exactly what I say, when, exactly when I say it. And right now, we're
eating dinner and watching TV.

TV Host: Are you ready to get sticky with Micky?!?

Harry: Shut your light off.

T V host: I'm just giving it away. For those idiots out there who don't know how to play, here's how it goes.
For each correct answer, they'll move one step closer to our Cube of Cash. Once in our Cube of Cash,
any money that sticks to your gooey body, you get to take home!

Matilda: Hi, dad.

Harry: Are you in this family?!? Hello! Are you in this family?!? Dinner time is family time.
What is this trash you're reading?

Matilda: It's not trash, daddy. It's lovely. It's called "Moby Dick" by Herman Melville.

Harry: Moby what? This is filth! Trash! Trash!

Matilda: It's not mine! It's a library book!

Harry: I'm fed up with all this reading! You're a Wormwood! You start acting like one! Sit up, and look at the
TV!
---------------------------------------------

Matilda: I didn't do it!

Harry: Of course, you didn't do it, you little twit.

Zinnia: I told you that was a cheap set.

Harry: It's not a cheap set. It's a stolen set. Put your light on.

Michael: Bummer!

Narrator: Was it magic or coincidence? She didn't know. It is said that we humans use only a tiny portion of our
brains.
Matilda might never have discovered her own great strength of mind were it not for the events that
began on the very next day.
Part Two
 The Trunchbull
T-bull: I need a car, inexpensive but reliable. Can you service me?

Harry: In a manner of speaking, yes. Uh, welcome to Wormwood Motors. Harry Wormwood, owner,
founder, whatever.

T-bull: Agatha Trunchbull, principal, Crunchem Hall Elementary School.

I warn you, sir. I want a tight car, because I run a tight ship.

Harry: Oh yeah, huh, well, uh..

T-bull: My school is a model of discipline! Use the rod, beat the child. That's my motto.

Harry: Terrific motto!

T-bull: You have brats yourself?

Harry: Yeah, I got a boy, Mikey, and one mistake, Matilda.

T-bull: They're all mistakes, children! Filthy, nasty things. Glad I never was one.

Harry: Uh, huh. Well, since you're an educator, I'm going to make you a great deal.

T-Bull: You'd better!

Harry: Let's do business.

 Throwing the Hammer
Harry: Hey, you. You're going to school.

Matilda: I am?!?

Harry: First thing tomorrow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll get a real education at this place.

Narrator: Matilda had always wanted to go to school, because she loved to learn. She tried to imagine what her
new school would be like. She pictured a lovely building surrounded by trees, and flowers and swings.
Well, there was a building.. And children, so regardless of what Crunchem Hall looked like, she
was happy to be there. After all, any school was better than no school at all, isn't it?!?

T-Bull: You, detention. You're too small. Grow up quicker. Heads up. Shoulders back. Stomachs in. Stand up
straight.

Lavender: Hey!

Matilda: Sorry.

Lavender: That's okay. It's much better than being out there.

Matilda: Is that my teacher?

Lavender: No. That's the principle, Miss Trunchbull.

Matilda: You've got to be kidding!

Hortensia: You squirts better skedaddle. I'm not kidding.

The Trunchbull likes to crack her whip in there to see who's trying to hide.

T-Bull: Change those socks! Too pink!

Matilda: I'm Matilda.

Lavender: Lavender.

Hortensia: I'm Hortensia.

Matilda: She doesn't really hit children with that riding crop, does she?

Hortensia: No. It's mostly for scare. What she does is worse. Like yesterday, in the second grade, the Trunchbull
makes a weekly visit to every classroom, to show the teachers a thing or two about handling kids. Julius
Hortensia: Rottwinkle ate two M&Ms during her lesson.

Matilda: And she caught him?

Hortensia: Of course!

Matilda: Was Julius okay?

Hortensia: After being thrown out the window, of course, he wasn't okay. He lived, if that's what you mean.

Lavender: The Trunchbull used to be in the Olympics: Shot put, javelin, hammerthrow. The hammerthrow was
her specialty.

Matilda: So she does this all the time?

Hortensia: Better than being put in "The Chokey".

Matilda: The Chokey?

Hortensia: Yeah, The Chokey. It's a tall, narrow, hole in a wall behind a door. You have to stand in the drippy
pipes with jagged edges, and the walls have broken glass with nails sticking out.

T-Bull: Get out of sight, you festering ball of pus!

Matilda: She puts kids in there?

Hortensia: I've been in there twice. Sometimes she leaves you in there all day.

Matilda: Didn't you tell your parents?

Hortensia: They didn't believe me. I mean, would your parents believe it?!?

T-Bull: Sixty lines - "I must obey Miss Trunchbull." . Out of my way!

Matilda: Here she comes.

T-Bull: Ah. Fresh meat!

Amanda Thripp. What are those?!?

Amanda: What's what, Miss Trunchbull?

T-Bull: Hanging down by your ears.

Amanda: You mean my pigtails?

T-Bull: Are you a pig, Amanda?!?

Amanda: No, Miss Trunchbull.

T-Bull: Do I allow pigs in my school?

Amanda: My mommy thinks they're sweet.

T-Bull: Your mommy is a TWIT. You'll chop those off before school tomorrow or I'll.

Amanda: But, but I don't ...

T-Bull: Did you say, "But"?

Hortensia: Hammerthrow..

Lavender: Definitely.

T-Bull: I'll give you, "But"!

Students: Good loft. Excellent release. Think she's going to make the fence? Going to be close one.

T-Bull: Quiet! Get to class before I throw you all in the Chokey.

Matilda: Lavender, what's my teacher like?

Narrator: But Matilda's teacher, Miss Honey, was one of those remarkable people who appreciates every single
child for who he or she is.

Amanda: I scooped these up for you, Miss Honey.

Honey: How lovely. Thank you, Amanda.

Okay. Listen up everyone. We have a new student with us today. This is Matilda Wormwood. I'd like
you to sit over here with Lavender. Now, you all remember how scary your first days at school were, so I'd like
you to be especially nice to Matilda and make her feel welcome.
Could you get her workbook for her, please? You can sit down.

Narrator: Miss Honey was a wonderful teacher, and a friend to everyone. But her life was not as simple and
beautiful as it seemed. Miss Honey had a deep, dark secret. And though it caused her great pain, she didn't let it
interfere with her teaching.

Honey: Well, Matilda. You've come on a very good day, because we're going to review everything we've
learned so far. Now, it's alright if you don't know understand any of this, because you're brand new, but if you do
know an answer, just raise your hand.
Okay, now we've been working on our two-times tables. Would anyone like to demonstrate? .
Okay. Let's do some together. Two times four is .........? Two times six is .? Two times nine is .?
Excellent. You've been practicing. Pretty soon you'll be able to any multiplication, whether it's two times 7 .
Very good. Or 13 times 379.

Matilda: Four thousand, nine hundred, and twenty-seven.

Honey: I beg your pardon?!?

Matilda: I think that's the answer. 13 times 379. Four nine two seven.

Honey: It is!
Matilda, you know how to multiply big numbers?

Matilda: I read this book last year in mathematics at the library.

Honey: You like to read?!?

Matilda: Yes. I love to read.

Honey: What do you like to read?

Matilda: Everything. But lately I've been reading Darles Chickens. . I mean Charles Dickens. I could read
him every day.

Honey: So could I. . All right, everyone. Take out your workbooks. Let's start with section three. I'll be
back in a moment.
 Miss Honey Visits Trunchbull
T-Bull: Yippee! Gotcha' right in the neck! And you. Come in, come in, whoever you are. . Almost got
you. Good to see you. Good. Good. Good. Time for one of our little heart-to-hearts?

Honey: Actually, it's about the new girl in my class, Miss Trunchbull. Matilda Wormwood.

T-Bull: Her father says she's a real wart. A carbuncle. A blister. A festering pustule of malignant ooze.

Honey: Oh, no. Matilda Wormwood is a very sweet girl, and very bright.

T-Bull: A bright child?!?

Honey: Yes. She can multiply large sums in her head.

T-Bull: So can a calculator.

Honey: Well, I think she might be happier in an older, and more advanced class.

T-Bull: Ahh. I knew it. You can't handle the little viper, so you're trying to foist her off onto one of the other
teachers. Typical. Slothful. Cowardice.
Listen to me, Jen. The distance the shot put goes depends upon the effort you put into it. Perspiration!
If you can't handle the little brat, I'll lock her up in the chokey!
Get it? One day, Jen, you'll see that everything I do is for your own good and the good of those
putrescent little children.
 Back Home
Zinnia: Get back at Tiffany, when she was having that baby.

Matilda: Mom. I'm home.

Zinnia: Hi. How was school?

Matilda: School was great. My teacher lets me do sixth grade work. Look. Algebra and geography,

Zinnia: The thing with Valerie's brother. You're kidding?!? .. Hold on a minute. . Can't you see I'm in the
middle of an important phone call?!?

Matilda: Well, you just asked me how school was.

Zinnia: Quiet! . Well, what else was she supposed to do? The baby wasn't his.

Matilda: Well, it was really great.

Zinnia: No way. They've gotta' be implants.

Matilda: The principle is insane. She threw a girl over the fence by her hair.

Zinnia: It would change your life, too, if you waxed yours. I'm positive.

Matilda: I have the most wonderful teacher.

Zinnia: Mine are driving me crazy. I'm telling you. Six hours a day at school is not enough.

Matilda: I'll say!

 The Visit
Harry: Whack to the belly. A smack to the face. Burns is hurt! He's on the ropes! . Saved by the bell. .
Packages at this hour?

Honey: Hello.

Harry: We don't give money. We don't like charities. We don't buy raffle tickets.

Honey: Mr. Wormwood, I'm Jennifer Honey. I'm Matilda's teacher.

Harry: What has she done now? You, go to your room! Right now! Right now! Beat it! . Look. Whatever
it is, she's your problem now.

Honey: No. There is no problem.

Harry: Then beat it! We're watching TV.

Honey: Mr. Wormwood, if you think some rotten TV show is more important than your daughter, then maybe
you shouldn't be a parent. Now, why don't you turn off that darn thing off and listen to me.

Harry: All right. Come on in. Get this over with. Mrs. Wormwood's not going to like this.
Come on. . Close the door.

Zinnia: Who is it?

Harry: Some teacher. Says she's got to talk to you about Matilda.

Zinnia: What did you do that for? He had Velasquez on the ropes.

Harry: What do you want?

Honey: I'm sure you're aware by now that Matilda has a brilliant mind.

Harry: Yeah. Right! Mikey, give me a beer.

Honey: Her math skills are simply extraordinary. She's reading material .

Michael: Want one?

Honey: No, thanks you, dear. . material that I didn't see until my second year of college. I really feel with
private instruction that she'd be ready for college in just a few, short years.

Zinnia: Look, Miss Snit, a girl does not get anywhere by acting intelligent. I mean, take a look at you and me.
You chose books -- I chose looks. I have a nice house, a wonderful husband. and you are slaving
away teaching snot-nosed children their ABCs. You want Matilda to go to college? Ha, ha, ha ha...

Harry: College? I didn't go to college. I don't know anybody who did. Bunch of hippies and cesspool
salesmen, ha ha ha ha...

Honey: Don't sneer at educated people, Mr. Wormwood. If you became ill, heaven forbid, your doctor would
be a college graduate. Or--or say you were sued for selling a faulty car. The lawyer who defended
you would have gone to college too.

Harry: What car? Sued by who? Who you been talking to?!

Honey: Nobody. . Oh, dear. I can see we're not going to agree, are we? No. . I'm sorry I burst in on you
like this. Sorry.
Zinnia: We ought to sue her for interrupting our show.

Harry: Tell me about it! Why's he standing in the middle of the ring?

Zinnia: He's standing in the middle of the ring 'cause it's over.

Harry: We missed it?

Zinnia: Great. It's over.

Harry: Who won?

Zinnia: How do I know?!? You shut it off!

Harry: Was it my fault she came in the middle of the fight?!?

Part Three
 Bruce and the Cake
T-Bull: Hop to! Hippity hop! The entire school will go to the assembly room immediately.

T-Bull: SIT!!

Lavender: What's up?

Matilda: Beats me.

T-Bull: Bruce Bogtrotter. . Would little Brucey come up here, please?!?

Lavender: Uh, oh!! . He lives on my block.

T-Bull: This boy, Bruce Bogtrotter, is none other than a vicious sneak-thief.
You're a disgusting criminal, aren't you?!?

Bruce: I don't know what you're talking about.

T-Bull: Cake. Chocolate cake. You slithered like a serpent into the school kitchen and ate my personal snack.
Do you deny it? . Confess!

Bruce: Well, it's hard for me to remember a specific cake.

T-Bull: This one was mine, and it was the most scrumptious cake in the entire world.

Bruce: My mom's is better.

T-Bull: It is, is it?!? How can you be sure unless you have another piece?!? Sit down, Bog!
Here we go. Smells chocolatey, aye?!? Now eat it!

Bruce: I don't want any, thank you.

T-Bull: EAT IT!!!!!!

Students: Don't eat it!

She wouldn't give him cake.
It's poison.
Something's up.

T-Bull: You look like you enjoyed that, Brucey. You must have some more.

Bruce: No, thank you.

T-Bull: But you'll hurt cook's feelings. Cookie. .

She made this cake just for you to have on your very own. Her sweat and blood went into this cake,
and you will not leave this platform until you have consumed the entire confection.

Cookie: Entire confection. See you at lunch. Rotten kids.

T-Bull: You wanted cake, you got cake. Now eat it!

students: Poor Brucey.

Lavender: He's going to puke. I can't look. Is he going to puke?

Matilda: Without a doubt.

Hortensia: Bruce looks real bad.

T-Bull: Give up?!?

Matilda: You can do it, Brucey! You can do it!

Student: Yeah. You can do it, Bruce.

Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce!

T-Bull: SILENCE!!!!!! SILENCE!!!!

The entire assembly will stay five hours after school and copy from the dictionary. Any children who
object will go straight into the chokey, together.
Harry: Young lady! Where were you?!?

Matilda: Miss Trunchbull kept the whole school late because this boy ate some chocolate cake.

Harry: That's the biggest lie I ever heard. See those packages?!? They were left out for the whole world to
see because you weren't here to take them in.

Zinnia: I don't think it's fair, bumpkins. You get all this stuff from catalogs, and I don't get anything.

Harry: It's not catalogs. It's car parts, sweetness. It's business.

Zinnia: Oh, if it's business, why don't you have it sent to the office?!?

Harry: Because the cops may be watching the office.

Matilda: The cops are watching the house. They're parked outside right now.

Zinnia: You are such an ignoramus. Those are speedboat salesmen. Really nice guys.

Harry: Speedboats?!? There are no lakes around here.

Zinnia: Yeah, but some people like to go away on the weekends. Some people have fun.

Matilda: And some people are cops.

Harry: They are not cops!

Matilda: Are, too!

Harry: They are not. I ought to know if there's cops watching my house. Now get to bed you lying little
earwig.
 The Newt
Narrator: With the FBI watching her father and the Trunchbull terrorizing her school, it was a rare and happy
moment when Matilda could just play with her friends.

Lavender: A frog!! A frog!! A frog!!

Students: What is it, Lavender.

Students: It's a salamander. It's a chameleon.

Matilda: It's a newt. "Any of the small semi-aquatic salamanders from the genus triturus".

Bruce: "Some are brightly colored and secrete irritating substances."

 Lemon
T-Bull: How could you keep going, you useless, flaming car!?! . Wormwood!
Sell me a lemon! You're heading for the chokey, young lady!

Matilda: Chokey?!?

T-Bull: Teach you a lesson!

Matilda: What lesson?!?

T-Bull: You and your father think you can make a fool out of me!!!

Matilda: My father?!?

T-Bull: The guy with the stupid hair cut!

Matilda: I'm nothing like my father.

T-Bull: You're a spitting image. The apple never rots far from the tree.
 The Weekly Visit
Lavender: Miss Honey!!!!!

Honey: Miss Trunchbull teaches our class today, Lavender. Please get a water pitcher.

Lavender: But, Miss Honey!!!!

Honey: No, quickly. She'll be here any second. . Oh, make sure the water's cold, Lavender.
Vinny, cover the fish. Put away the art project. Put away anything colorful. Charley, won't you get
those crayons for me?

Narrator: Most great ideas come from hard work and careful planning. Of course, once in a while, they just
jump out at you.

Honey: Rayna. Rayna. Cover the birds and the beetles. Hurry! I hear her coming!
Okay now. Last time, some of you forgot yourselves. Don't speak unless you're spoken to. Don't
laugh. Don't smile. Don't even breathe loudly.

T-Bull: Don't breathe at all.

Honey: Good morning, Miss Trunchbull.

Students: Good morning, Miss Trunchbull.

T-bull: SIT!!!! .. Shoo. I have never been able to understand why small children are so disgusting.
They're the bane of my life. They're like insects: they should be got rid of as early as possible.
My idea of a perfect school is one in which there are no children... at all. Do you agree, Miss Honey?
Now you, front of the class!
---------------------------------------------

T-Bull: Next time I tell you to empty your pockets, you'll do it faster, won't you?!?

Student: Yes, Miss Trunchbull.

T-Bull: Miss Honey, this might be the most interesting thing you've ever done.
Sit down, you squirming worm of vomit.
Get up!! Can you spell?

Amanda: Miss Honey taught us how to spell a long word yesterday. We can spell "difficulty".

T-Bull: You couldn't spell 'difficulty' if your life depended on it.

Amanda: She taught us with a poem.

T-Bull: A poem. How sweet. What poem would that be?

students: Mrs. D. Mrs. I. Mrs. F - F - I. Mrs. C Mrs. U. Mrs. L - T - Y.

T-Bull: Why are these women married?!? Mrs. D. Mrs. I. You're supposed to be teaching spelling, not poetry.

T-bull: I cannot for the life of me understand why small children take so long to grow up. I think they do it
deliberately, just to annoy me.
What's funny?!? Come on. Spit it out. Speak up. I like a joke as well as the next fat person.
It's a snake! It's a snake! It's a snake! One of you tried to poison me! Who? Oh, Matilda. I knew it.

Matilda: I just thought you'd like to know, it's not a snake. It's a newt.

T-Bull: What did you say?!?

Matilda: It's a newt, Miss Trunchbull.

T-Bull: Stand up, you villainous sack of goat slime! You did this!

Matilda: No, Miss Trunchbull.

T-Bull: Did you act alone, or did you have accomplices.

Matilda: I didn't do it.

T-Bull: You didn't like the chokey, did you?!? Thought you'd pay me back, didn't you?!? Well, I'll pay you
back, young lady.

Matilda: For what, Miss Trunchbull?

T-Bull: For this newt, you pissworm!!

Matilda: I'm telling you, I didn't do it.

T-Bull: Besides, even if you didn't do it, I'm going to punish you, because I'm big and you're small, and I'm
right, and you're wrong. And there's nothing you can do about it.
You're a liar and a scoundrel, And your father's a liar and a cheat. You're the most corrupt low-lifes in
the history of civilization. Am I wrong?!? I'm never wrong!
In this classroom, in this school, I AM GOD!!!!
-----------------------------------------
T-Bull: You!!!!

Matilda: I didn't move!

T-Bull: You did this!

Honey: How could she possibly have done it when she was sitting way over here?!?

T-Bull:
+++++++++
 Matilda Confesses
Lavender: Thanks for not telling.

Matilda: Best friends don't tell. She can really dance.

Honey: You all go outside, then I'll come out and help fill the bird-feeder. Okay? I'll be out there in a minute.

Matilda: Miss Honey, I did it.

Honey: Did what?

Matilda: I made the glass tip over.

Oh, sweetheart. Don't let Miss Trunchbull make you feel that way. Nobody did it. It was an accident.

Matilda: I did it with my eyes. Watch. I'll prove it to you.

Honey: It's wonderful you feel so powerful. Many people don't feel powerful at all.

Matilda: Come on, glass. Tip over!

Honey: It's all right, Matilda.

Matilda: I really did it, Miss Honey.

Honey: One of the odd things about life is sometimes you can do something until you want to show someone,
and then you can't.
Or, sometimes when you think something's broken and you take it to be fixed ..

Matilda: This isn't like that. I don't know. Maybe I made myself tired.

Honey: Matilda, would you like to come over to my house this afternoon.

Matilda: I'd like that very much, Miss Honey.

Honey: Good.
Part Four
 Miss Honey's Cottage
Matilda: I just stare very hard, and then my eyes get all hot, and I can feel the strongness. I feel like I can
move almost anything in the world.
You do believe me, don't you?

Honey: Oh, I believe that you should believe in whatever power you think you have inside of you. Believe it
with all your heart.
That's where Miss Trunchbull lives.

Matilda: Why is there a swing?

Honey: A girl I know used to live in that house. Her life was good and happy.
When she was just two years old, her mother died. Her father was a doctor, and he needed someone
to look after things at home, so he invited the mother's step-sister to come and live with them.
But the girl's aunt was a mean person who treated the girl very badly.

Matilda: A Trunchbull.

Honey: Yes. And worst of all, when the girl was five, her father died.

Matilda: How did her father die?

Honey: The police decided he'd killed himself.

Matilda: Why would he do such a thing?

Honey: No one knows.

The end is happier. She found a small cottage. She rented it from this lovely rhubarb farmer for just
$50 a month. And she covered it in honeysuckle, and she planted hundreds of wild flowers, and she moved out
of her wicked aunt's house, and she finally got her freedom.

Matilda: Good for her?

Honey: Do you know why I told you this?

Matilda: No.

Honey: You were born into a family that doesn't always appreciate you, but one day things are going to be
very different.
Shall we go inside and have tea and cookies?

Matilda: Yes, please.

This is the cottage from your story! . That young woman is you! . But then, .. No!

Honey: Yes. Aunt Trunchbull.

When I left my home . Aunt Trunchbull's home, I had to leave all my treasures behind.

Matilda: Treasures?!?

Honey: Photographs of my mother and father, and a beautiful doll my mother gave me with a China face.
Liccy doll, I called her.
Would you like some milk?

Matilda: Yes, please. . Why don't you run away?

Honey: I've often thought about it, but... I can't abandon my children. And if I couldn't teach, I'd have nothing
at all.
Matilda: You're very brave, Miss Honey.

Honey: Not as brave as you.

Matilda: I thought grown-ups weren't afraid of anything.

Honey: Quite the contrary. All grown-ups get scared, just like children.

Matilda: I wonder what Miss Trunchbull is afraid of.

 Miss Trunchbull's Home

Matilda: There she is!

Matilda: Shot put.

Honey: Hammerthrow.

Both: Javelin.

Matilda: She's afraid of a cat?

Honey: Black cats. She's very superstitious.

Matilda: Poor kitty!

Honey: Oh, he's all right.

Matilda: Hopefully. . Let's go get your treasures.

Honey: No, Matilda.

Matilda: Well, she's gone. Come on!

T-Bull: Come on. Move, you piece of junkyard fodder. Shift

Honey: My house
Oh my! My father's portrait used to hang there.

Matilda: Whoever painted the Trunchbull must have had a strong stomach. A really strong stomach!
------------------------------
Honey: We should go.
My father's chocolate box. After supper, he'd take a chocolate, cut it in half, and he'd always give me
the bigger half. When he died, Aunt Trunchbull would count them, so I couldn't even sneak one. She'd take a
chocolate, raise it to her lips, and say, .

T-Bull: . Much too good for children ..

Matilda: Have one.

Honey: Oh, no. She'd notice.

Matilda: Where's Liccy doll?

Honey: Upstairs. . Matilda!

This is my room. . That's my dad.

Matilda: What's his name?

Honey: Magnus. I used to call him "King Magnus", and he called me "Bumblebee".

Matilda: I don't think Magnus killed himself.

Honey: Neither do I.

Matilda: Is that Liccy doll?

T-Bull: WORMWOOD!!!!!! You useless used-car salesman scum! I want you around here now with another
car! Yes. I know what 'caveat emptor' means, you low-life liar! I'm going to sue you, burn down your show
room, and take that no-good jalopy and shove it up your bazooka! When I'm finished with you, you're going to
look like road-kill! You what .?

Matilda: Shouldn't we hide or something?

Honey: Yeah. Go to the end of that hallway, down the stairs, and out the kitchen door. I'll distract her.

T-Bull: Who's in my house?!? Come on out and fight like a man!!!

Honey: Come on! Come on!

T-Bull: Some rats are going die today!

--------------------------------------------

Matilda: Feel my heart! Weren't you the most scared you've ever been in your whole life?!?

Honey: Come on. Let's go.

Matilda: She shouldn't be allowed to treat people like that. Somebody's got to teach her a lesson. . We'll wait
until she leaves again, then we'll go get your doll. Just kidding.

Honey: Come here?!? . Matilda, promise me you will never go back in that house again.

Matilda: I promise.

Honey: Okay. Come on.

 Matilda Practices
Zinnia: So he came home with 2,000 dollars cash, and he threw it up in the air, and we both swam in it like
we were both on the "Million Dollar Sticky". Do you like that show?

FBI 2: I love that show.

Zinnia: That was the old days. Now we've got money in banks all over this planet, and does he give me a
dime?!?
Matilda, this is Bob and this is Bill.

Matilda: They're cops.

Zinnia: They are not cops, they're Ace powerboat salesmen.

Harry: Baby-face, I'm starved.

Who are you?!? . What is this, a hot tub party?!? Get the hell out of here!
I slave all day. I come home, and you're entertaining a couple of surfer dude, body-builders!

Matilda: They're cops, dad.

FBI 1: Are you interested in time-share?

Harry: Get out of here!

Zinnia: You don't let me talk to people! I am in a cage, Harry. I need to talk to some body besides our stupid
kids!

Harry: Oh, yeah. Well a man is entitled to come home and find dinner on the table, without having to wade
through a convention of male strippers!

Matilda: Dad!

Harry: What do you want!?!

Matilda: Yell at me, okay?

Harry: Shut up, and leave us alone!

Matilda: Yell at me again.

Harry: Yell at you!?! I'll come in there and pound your miserable hide!
What do I have to do to gain respect around here! I'm going to give you a tanning like you've never
had in your life! My word is my law! You understand, law!

Narrator: No kid likes being yelled at, but it was precisely Harry's ranting and raving that gave Matilda the key
to her power. To unlock that power, all she had to do was practice.

Harry: You're a little cheat. (. You're a Wormwood. It's time you started acting like one! ..) What are
you, stupid?!? I'm smart, you're dumb. I'm big, you're little.

T-Bull: The apple never rots far from the tree.

Zinnia: There is something wrong with that girl!

Harry: I'm right, you're wrong, and there's nothing you can do about it!

Michael: Hey, dipface. Here's your book!

Harry: You're a Wormwood! It's time you started acting like one! (started acting like one!)
 The FBI
FBI 2: Shouldn't we have a search warrant to do this?

FBI 1: Nah! This guy's dirty. Once we show this tape in court, Wormwood's goose is cooked. I'm sure that
box is full of stolen car parts.

FBI 2: You've been taping all week. How about letting me handle that camera for awhile?

FBI 1: Do you know how to use it? Do you know about the zoom and the white balance? Do you know how
to adjust the eyepiece?

FBI 2: I can handle it. Besides, it's my turn.

FBI 1: Yeah. Your turn to drop it.

FBI 2: I won't drop it. Come on.

Matilda: You two men are going to be in a lot of trouble very soon.

FBI 2: It's the female minor.

FBI 1: Aren't you supposed to be in school, young lady?

Matilda: I really hope you have a search warrant. According to a constitutional law book I read in the library, if
you don't have one, you could lose your job or go to federal prison.

FBI 1: It's your father who's going to federal prison. And you know where you'll end up? In a federal
orphanage.
If you cooperate, we'll make sure it's a nice orphanage, the kind with food, teeny-weeny cockroaches.
What do you say?

Matilda: There's another crime in the making. Your car is about to run a stop sign.
 Matilda Returns to Trunchbull's House
Narrator: So she bought a little time for her dad to come to his senses.
But now, Matilda had bigger fish to fry, much bigger.

Michael: Hey, dip face, where you going?

Matilda: Out!

Michael: Hey, dip face, have a carrot!

Harry: Chew your food. Youre an animal.

Narrator: Having power isn't nearly as important as what you choose to do with it. And what Matilda had in
mind was nothing short of heroic.
-----------------------------------------------
Matilda: Come on! Come on, Liccy doll. Come, Liccy. Come on! Come on! Come on! Please come here.

T-Bull: Leave me alone! . Magnus!!!!

 The Third Miracle
Matilda: Miss Honey! Miss Honey! You'll never believe what I got you.
Oh. I also brought you this. I ate mine last night.

T-Bull: I will be teaching your class today.

Narrator: In the time it took Miss Honey to get very, very nervous, Matilda had formulated a plan.

Honey: She is really raving mad.

Matilda: What is it your father used to call you? Hummingbird?

Honey: Bumblebee. I'm sure she knows the doll's missing.

Matilda: And he called her Trunchbull?

Honey: No. I suppose he called her Agatha. Yeah.

Matilda: And she called him Magnus? Right?

Honey: Yeah. Yes. . Maybe I could go back to the house and put the doll back while she's still at school.
Oh, no. I can't do that.

Matilda: Calm down, Miss Honey. Really. It's going to be okay. I promise.

Honey: Sweetheart, you promised you wouldn't go back into that house again.

Matilda: I didn't. I was on the garage roof. I did it with my powers.

Honey: Okay. . On the garage roof . With your powers. . I need to think.
Let's see. . Powers?!?

Matilda: Mm. Hmm. I think I've got them down. Watch this. . No more Miss Nice Girl!

T-Bull: Inside! Inside! Quickly! Run! Run! Run! . Get against that wall! Quickly! Don't make me wait
Water. And hold the newt. . Join the ranks! Move!
I am here to teach you all a lesson! . Sometimes in life, horrible and unexplainable things happen.
These things are a test of character, and I have character! . Form a line across the room, quickly!
Run! Run! Run! Don't keep me waiting! Fill this gap!
I expect you're wondering what I'm talking about, hmmm?!? Yes. A child came to my house. I don't
know how. I don't know when. I don't know why.

Honey: Miss Trunchbull, may I..

T-Bull: No, you may not! . But I know a child came. So, did you know it was illegal to enter someone's
home without their permission?

Students: Yes, Miss Trunchbull. Sir.

T-Bull: Stand up straight! Stomach in! Shoulders back! Do any of you recognize . this?
Let's play a little game, shall we?!? Who was wearing a pretty red hair ribbon yesterday and isn't
wearing one today? Can you answer me that? Who does this disgusting ribbon belong to?
I shall personaly see to it that the demented, slime-breathed, little lilliputian who owns this disgusting
ribbon will never see the light of day again! YOU!!!!

Honey: Miss Trunchbull, I was the one who was at your house last night.

T-Bull: I broke your arm once before. I can do it again, Jenny.

Honey: I am not seven years old anymore, Aunt Trunchbull!

T-Bull: Shut your holes!
You will be put away in a place where not even the crows can land their droppings.

Students: Look! . The chalk! And the blinds!

A G A T H A. THIS IS MAGNUS. GIVE MY LITTLE BUMBLEBEE BACK HER HOUSE AND HER
MONEY. THEN GET OUT OF TOWN. IF YOU DON'T, I WILL GET YOU. I WILL GET YOU LIKE YOU
GOT ME. THAT IS A PROMISE!

Honey: No. No. No. Miss Trunchbull. Please don't throw him.
---------------------------------------------------------

Hortensia: It's the Trunch! . Wow! . Hey, you guys, look at this! Yes!

Matilda: Let go.

Lavender: I didn't know I could do that.

Matilda: Pretty good, huh?!?

Narrator: And the Trunchbull was gone, never to be seen or heard from. Never to darken a doorway again.
 Adoption
Narrator: Miss Honey moved back into her father's house. Of course, Matilda was a frequent visitor.

Honey: Tea time.

Matilda: Did you know that the heart of a mouse beats at the rate of 650 times a minute?

Honey: My.. Where did you learn that?

Matilda: . in a book. It beats so fast that it doesn't sound like it's beating a all. It sounds like it's humming. A
porcupine's heart beats 300 times a minute.

Zinnia: Hey, you. Hey. We're leaving. Let's go. Get in the car. Hurry up. . Let's wrap up these cookies.
Come on. We're leaving. Now!

Honey: I'd be happy to walk her home.

Zinnia: Well, nobody'll be there. We're moving to Guam. Come on. Let's go.

Honey: Guam?!?

Zinnia: Yeah. Daddy's not going to be in the auto business anymore.

Matilda: I don't want to leave!

Zinnia: We're going on a permanent vacation.

Harry: Yeah. And we've got to beat the speedboat salesmen to the airport.

Matilda: I love it here! I love my school... it isn't fair! Miss Honey, please don't let them..

Harry: Get in the car, Melinda!

Matilda: Matilda!

Harry: Whatever.

Matilda: I want to stay with Miss Honey.

Zinnia: Miss Honey doesn't want you. Why would she want some snotty, disobedient kid?

Honey: Because she's a spectacularly wonderful child, and I love her.

Matilda: Adopt me, Miss Honey! You can adopt me.

Harry: Look, I don't have time for all these legalities!

Matilda: One second, Dad. I have the adoption papers.

Zinnia: What? Where did you get those?

Matilda: From a book in the library. I've had them since I was big enough to Xerox.

Zinnia: Are you hearing this, Harry?!?

Matilda: All you have to do is sign them.

Michael: I'll be an only child, again.

Harry: Shut up! I can't think with all these sirens! What do you think, pumpkin?

Zinnia: You're the only daughter I ever had, Matilda. I never understood you. Not one little bit. Who's got
a pen?

Narrator: And doing perhaps the first decent thing they ever did for their daughter, the Wormwoods signed the
adoption papers.

Matilda: And here. And here

Harry: All right. Come on. Turn around.

You're not going to be calling us for support payments, or something, are you?!?

Honey: Oh, no. We'll have everything we need. Don't worry.

Harry: All right. Here. Let's roll.

Narrator: So Harry and Zinnia got away. And as bad as things were before, that's how good they became.
Miss Honey was made principal of Crunchem Hall which had to add an upper school because
children never wanted to leave.
And Matilda found to her great surprise, that life could be fun, and she decided to have as much of it
as possible. After all, she was a very smart kid.
But the happiest part of the story was that Matilda and Miss Honey had each gotten what they'd
always wanted . A loving family.
And Matilda never had to use her powers again. Well, I mean, almost never.

Matilda: They call Ishmael..

Her father went to work selling used cars for unfair prices, and her mother took off to play bingo.
You can have your very own library card.
School?!? Who's going to be around to sign for these packages?
What was my profit for the day?
You're a little cheat You saw the paper.
If you're being smart with me, young lady, you're going to be punished.
When a person is bad, that person has to be taught a lesson.
Daddy. You're a crook. This is illegal.
I did not glue my hat to my head.

Do you have any brats yourself?

Shot put, javelin, hammerthrow.
Get to class before I throw you all in the chokey.
Two times four is .........?
Pretty soon you'll be able to do any multiplication.
Matilda Wormwood is a very sweet girl, and very bright.
I think she might be happier in an older and more advanced class.

Do you deny it? Confess!

Her sweat and blood went into this cake.
Is he going to puke?
Wormwood! Sell me a lemon!
You're a spitting image (of your father).
Lavender, please get a water pitcher.
Put away any art projects. Put away anything colorful.
You couldn't spell 'difficulty' if your life depended on it.
One of you tried to poison me!
It's not a snake. It's a newt.
You thought you'd pay me back, didn't you?
Thanks for not telling.
I made the glass tip over.

A girl I know used to live in that house.

Her father was a doctor, and he needed someone to look after things at home.
He invited the mother's step-sister to come and live with them.
The police decided he'd killed himself.
You were born into a family that doesn't always appreciate you.
This is the cottage from your story.
I had to leave all my treasures behind.
I thought grown ups weren't afraid of anything.
We'll wait till she leaves, then we'll go get your doll. Just kidding.
Promise me you will never go back into that house again.
Yell at me, okay? Yell at me again.
It was precisely Harry's ranting and raving that gave Matilda the key to her powers.
I'm sure that box is full of stolen car parts
I'm not 7 years old anymore, Aunt Trunchbull.
Come on. Let's go. Get in the car. Hurry up.
One second, dad. I have the adoption papers.
Miss Honey was made principal of Crunchem Hall.
And Matilda never had to use her powers again.