Preface

It is 7:30 P.M. and you are at home alone. You have read the paper
and eaten your supper. The early evening programs are lousy. Since
you have been alone quite a lot lately and have had some bad feelings
about it, you decide to spend some time thinking about your situation.
You reach for a book on loneliness. Maybe it will help you to under-
stand the times of boredom and the moments of pain that you experi-
ence when you are alone. Perhaps the author will help you to under-
stand your loneliness and to get over it. After a couple of hours, you
put the book down. You are disappointed to realize that reading it
hasn't helped. Your feelings of loneliness are worse than ever. Now
you are depressed because even the experts have little to teach you
about solving your problem. Feeling sad and lonely, you reach for
something alcoholic and flip on the tube. . . .
Something like this once happened to me. Some years ago, I
found myself unexpectedly divorced. Within two months of the di-
vorce, my mother died. A few months later, my best friends decided
to move to another city. I had no children. Except for college and for
week-long periods of marital separation for career reasons, I had
never lived alone. Suddenly, I faced the 7:30 syndrome: Each night,
hour upon hour lay ahead of me. "What do you do alone at 7:30 at
night when you are tired and there are still three or four waking hours
to go?" I asked myself. What does one do about loneliness?
For an answer I turned to my lifelong friendsauthors both
known and new. I read widely in popular books and academic books,
personal accounts and research studies. Usually, in my reading I find
solace and new beginnings. Yet, surprisingly, after most encounters
xii PREFACE PREFACE xiii

with works on loneliness, I emerged somewhat more lonely and knowledge as a psychologist, has convinced me that, gradually,
depressed than before. I learned from them how widespread the thought by thought, action by action, we can alleviate the suffering
problem of loneliness is, that there has been relatively little research of people who say they are lonely. On the basis of the actual behaviors
on it, and that little is known about how to "cure" it. In short, I and experiences of individuals who are willing to describe their pain,
learned a lot of depressing things about being alone. we can develop a practical understanding of loneliness. What is even
I knew I had to find something elsesomething more hopeful. more hopeful, by carefully rethinking the problem of loneliness, we
Yet as I read more, I became increasingly frustrated. I started talking can help ourselves and each other to become well-adjusted, contented
back to my books: "How come you people are so down? Why are you human beings who only happen to be alone.
so depressing about the fact that someone is alone? What is the big I began to do research on loneliness and solitude when I realized
deal here? People have been alone for centuries: There is probably that I wanted on my own bookshelf a practical handbook that would
an honorable tradition in being alone, if you would only look for it!" take a positive view of being alone. I needed to know how to do it,
This was my anger talking. and I wanted that advice to consult whenever I needed itwhenever
My intellect also had a few words to say. As a psychologist, I I felt that I was falling into the loneliness traps created by my old
asked myself, "What is loneliness, really?" Is it an emotion, some- belief system about being alone, whenever I faced a psychological
thing biological like anger or fear? Or is it something cognitive, an problem alone. The book that you have in your hands describes such
interpretation we humans have created to make sense of the circum- a way of living. It is the way of positive solitude.
stance of being alone? I guessed that if we choose to view loneliness I have written this book for people who are currently alone and
as an inevitable emotion or as a sickness caused by the "disease" of who feel, for want of a better idea, "lonely." I have written it for
being alone, then we will not get far in overcoming it. On the other people who want to solve this problem of "loneliness." I have also
hand, if the idea of loneliness is mainly our interpretation of events, written it for those people who enjoy being alone most of the time
then, like all such ideas, it is subjective; it should be scrutinized and, but who want to get even more out of their solitude. Positive solitude
most important, it can be changed. is not only about solving the problem of loneliness; it is about using
I asked myself one more question: Had I ever, even once, been solitude as a means to self-fulfillment.
happy while alone? Think about it, I coached. Had I ever once enjoyed You may wonder whether pursuing solitude is merely ignoring
the blue spring sky while walking alone down the street? Ever once the inevitable problem of loneliness. Is it repressing loneliness on
enjoyed a piece of music while lying on the couch alone? Ever once Monday with the implication that it will return to bruise your psyche
enjoyed a good book alone? Of course, I had. And if I had d^one it once, on Thursday? We will talk about this issue in detail later in the book,
I could do it again and again. However unhappy I had been at times, but up front, let me assert that I do not think so.
there had always been moments of peace and glimmers of joy in my In some sense, we are, all of us, alone. The emotions we feel
life. These moments might have been triggered by ordinary events when we are aloneas when we are in companyare deeply human.
by seeing my cat basking happily in the sun or by noticing the bright Sometimes when we are alone, we experience negative emotions that
sunbeam itself. For an instant I would take pleasure in the event or are directly associated with our alonenessfor example, sadness or
I would find solace in it. If I could feel positive emotions when I was fear. Experiencing these emotions is natural. And sometimes when
alone, even for a moment, I thought, why couldn't I build on that we are alone, we experience negative emotions that are not directly
experience to feel positive alone for many momentseven for most associated with our alonenessfor example, jealousy or hatred.
of my life? These emotions, too, are natural. But none of these emotions con-
My experience being alone, interpreted through my professional trols your life. If you take charge of your life, you can also experience
xiv PREFACE
PREFACE xv

positive states and emotions when alone. You can experience emo- I wandered lonely as a cloud
tions like elation, contentment, challenge, curiosity, and even love That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
frequently and continuously. Few people will ever eliminate their When all at once I saw a crowd,
negative emotions, but you can learn to put them into perspective. A host, of golden daffodils;
You experience negative emotions not because you are alone and not Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
because you are repressing loneliness, but because you are human. Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
Today one of society's major difficulties is separateness. People Continuous as the stars that shine
are searching for roots and connections. In our longing for connec- And twinkle on the milky way,
tions, we should consider that being part of a couple or part of a family They stretched in never-ending line
does not solve all life's problems either. Your problems, especially Along the margin of a bay:
your psychological ones, will not be solved by your friends. Together- Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
ness is not the total answer. Being alone is not the total answer Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.
either, of course, but solitude is much more of an answer than we The waves beside them danced; but they
think it is. Outdid the sparkling waves in glee:
Why not give positive solitude a chance in your life? You will find A poet could not but be gay,
yourself in the company of artists, religious figures, writers, political In such a jocund company;
thinkers, and many other wise people who have sought new paths. I gazedand gazedbut little thought
Of course, there will be things about being alone that you won't What wealth the show to me had brought:
prefer. But, then, you would probably prefer to look like a model, too,
For oft, when on my couch I lie
yet you nevertheless have adjusted to being less than airbrushed In vacant or in pensive mood,
perfect. Being alone may not be your preferred way of living right They flash upon that inward eye
now, but is that any reason to let being alone ruin your life? You can Which is the bliss of solitude;
be alone and not feel bad about it. You can be alone and feel happy. And then my heart with pleasure fills,
With experience, being alone may even become your preferred way And dances with the daffodils.1
of living most of the time.
If there is any single memory on the subject of being alone that This book is dedicated to all people who, whether by chance or by
most Americans hold in common, it is probably Wordsworth's lines: choice, are alone, and who wish to fill their souls not with remorse,
but with flowers.
I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills . . .
Notes
If you are anything like me, you only vaguely recall the "o'er vales 1. William Wordsworth, "I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud," Norton Anthology
and hills" phrase, and what remains of the poem in your memory is of English Literature, Vol. 2 (New York: W. W. Norton & Co., 1962), 115-16.
the image of one's poor lonely self wandering miserably over a deso-
late landscape. Buthow human!this memory fragment is flawed.
We tend to forget that Wordsworth's full poem had a different and
happier message about being alone. Do you remember the daffodils?
 Introduction
All human beings are vulnerable to the alienation and anxiety so often
experienced by a person who is alone. Especially in our rootless
American culture, being alone can lead quickly to loneliness. Today
one-quarter of all American households consist of one person. Some
of us are uncomfortable being alone without really knowing why.
Others are ashamed of being alone. Many, perhaps even most, actu-
ally fear being alone. Decades ago, sociologist David Riesman labeled
us the "lonely crowd": a people proud of our independence while in
reality dependent on others to give us our direction.1 The truth is that
as Americans, we cherish our tradition of rugged individualism, but
we know little about how to live it.
Our efforts to join with others do not give us solace. We seek
love, but we do not find it. We find that our lives remain if not totally
empty, then unfulfilled. Sometimes we try to fill the void by learning
what amounts to a fashionable helplessness, giving ourselves up to
the pursuit of toys, status symbols, and entertainments. At other
times, we keep ourselves busy in the pursuit of relationships because
we do not know what else to do. We join singles groups, we play the
personals ads, and we pay money to matchmakers, all to avoid being
alone. Yet the loneliness goes on. In our cities, it has been called an
epidemic.
I believe that we have failed to solve the problem of loneliness
because for decades we have been asking ourselves the wrong ques-
tion. Over and over, in hundreds of ways, we have asked ourselves,
"How can I find someone?" In the end, we remain incapable of solving
the problem of loneliness because we fail to address the crucial fact
xvm INTRODUCTION INTRODUCTION xix

that ultimately we are alone. We are completely separate from others; ativity, our uniqueness, our humanity, and our desireswill the prob-
we are alone in the face of life. Only when we acknowledge this fact, lems of finding others and finding community become less urgent.
when we find the courage to consider it fully, can we ask ourselves Positive solitude is an intellectual and therapeutic tool that can help
the right question: How can I make this solitude into a positive force us to balance our society's overemphasis on relationships with a
in my life? healthy emphasis on ourselves. With positive solitude, we discover
Loneliness, failing relationships, and the loss of community are that relationships, rather than being the goals of our lives, become
central human problems of our times. I believe that we fail to solve explorations. Rather than being the ultimate answer, relationships
these problems largely because we do not admit or understand that become one interesting question.
a fundamental element of a centered personality is the ability to be Being alone has always been an existential fact of life. Yet though
fulfilled alone. Modern writing and thinking about solitude have the human condition is to be separate, it is not necessarily to be
helped little. Far too much emphasis has been placed on leaving lonely. In this book you will learn to view separation as a positive,
solitude by finding relationships, and far too little has been said about life-giving experience that encourages the creative, the unique, and
the positive aspects of being alone. Certainly, no one has attempted the powerful in each individual. In the words of author Melodie
to develop a practical psychology for being alone. Beattie (Codependent No More), you will stop being codependent and
Too many of us hold the belief that being alone will lead to start experiencing the serenity, peace, and love inherent in personal
unhappiness, self-pity, and depression. In short, we believe that being independence.
alone leads to loneliness. With so many people living alone, this belief Learning positive solitude is a behavioral goal similar to losing
is a major national tragedy. Millions of people expect that being alone weight or adopting an exercise program. While we cannot simply will
will cause a major personal crisis, and this expectation becomes a loneliness away, we can learn to banish the negative feelings that we
self-fulfilling prophecy. If they don't "find someone," they believe, have when we are alone. We can learn to replace these feelings with
their personal crisis will continue indefinitely. positive experiences. We can learn loving attitudes. We can learn to
This book sets forth a different belief system. I suggest here that value and explore ourselves. We can learn to love the relationship we
our tragic American beliefs about being alone are largely an imaginary build with ourselves.
hell that we have created for ourselvesthat in our modern society, Because of our mistaken beliefs about loneliness, the skill of
these beliefs are too frightening and too negative. Thoughtful, mature positive solitude has been widely ignored. Americans do not think
individuals can bypass this negative belief system to develop positive highly of people who are alone. We seldom emphasize the positive
solitudethe ability to think positively about being alone and to plan side of being alone, but see people who are alone as outsiders and
ways to live contentedly alone. failures. We frequently make negative assumptions about people who
Positive solitude is an antidote to the despair of trying to "find are alone. For example, if you or I see an old man dozing on a park
someone." How often have you heard that you should strive to be a bench, we are apt to think, "Look at that lonely old man." We assume
whole, fulfilled person because enthusiastic self-confidence is the that if he is old and alone, the man must feel lonely. We say of a widow
ultimate come-on? In contrast, positive solitude suggests that being that we hope that she will remarry, assuming that she cannot be
alone can be an end in itself. Problems of connectedness and commu- "truly" happy now that she is alone. Of a bachelor we may ask,
nity and love will be solved only when we take the radical step of "When is Bob going to settle down?" Our assumption is that he will
really facing ourselves. be happier living with someone else than living alone.
Only when we learn how to be alone, to live alone, and even to A particularly pernicious belief is that the ultimate way to cure
love alonewhen we face our alienation, our vulnerability, our cre- loneliness is to find relationships. Alone, it is assumed, people cannot
XX INTRODUCTION INTRODUCTION xxi

really conquer their loneliness; perhaps they can adjust to it, but they These biases are natural, given the fact that researchers are
will never be truly happy. If a person has no relationships right now, human. Unfortunately, the published results of the research on loneli-
friends, family members, and even strangers often assume that he or ness add significantly to our culture's falsely negative view of being
she is unhappy. Worse yet, many of us believe that people must find alone. For instance, one study of loneliness noted that only 1 to 2
the right relationships to feel whole. One must have a spouse, and percent of the people studied reported never having experienced
children, and intimate friends. One "should" be involved. By this way loneliness and 10 to 30 percent had experienced cycles of pervasive
of thinking, if people are alone and feeling lonely, it is imperative that loneliness most of their lives.2 The researchers did not ask people
they find others, such as an "appropriate" mate, to reduce their how often they had experienced happiness when alone. Nor did the
loneliness. researchers ask whether they had experienced cycles of self-confi-
Positive solitude refutes these beliefs, describing how loneliness dence and contentment during their lives. Had they done so, perhaps
can be reduced within yourself, by yourself. The first step to experi- many people would have answered that they actually had experienced
encing positive solitude is to believe that it is possible to do so. You happiness when alone. Perhaps many would have said they had expe-
can choose to view being alone as inevitably tragic or you can take rienced self-confidence and contentment!
a new approach: You can choose to view being alone as a positive, "Loneliness" is not the problem. It is likely that you will experi-
enlightening experience that is relaxing, creative, and much more. A ence positive and negative feelings both when you are alone and when
point that I will emphasize over and over in this book is that we choose you are with others. Much of the psychological research on loneliness
our attitude toward being alone and that the attitude that we adopt has done little more than prove once again the adage that if you ask
toward being alone will inevitably alter our experience of being alone. the wrong question, you will get the wrong answer.
Writers and thinkers who have shaped our attitudes toward Writing that focuses on the positive aspects of being alone is
solitude have themselves been affected by our culture's pervasive scarce. It is this lack of other positive voices that may have contrib-
negativity toward aloneness. Psychological research, for example, uted to the modern popularity of a writer from another century:
focuses almost exclusively on loneliness, which has a negative conno- Henry David Thoreau. Many people have been deeply touched by
tation, rather than on aloneness, which has a neutral connotation. In Thoreau's Walden. Our premier thinker on the spiritual value of
questionnaires that study being alone, psychologists ask questions solitude, Thoreau lived much of what he preached. "I had three chairs
like, "How often have you been lonely?" and "What do you do when in my house; one for solitude, two for friendship, three for society,"
you feel lonely?" They do not ask "How often are you alone?" and he wrote.3 His magnificent work has led generations to "follow a
"How do you feel when you are alone?" They do not ask, "How often different drummer," to explore enlightenment and contentment
are you happy when you are alone?" Thus, they do not start from a within themselves. As you read this book, you will understand how
balanced perspective that would allow the person being questioned Walden has been an inspiration for my thinking about positive soli-
to reveal both the positive and the negative sides of solitude. In fact, tude.
they are really studying only the negative aspects of aloneness. In more recent years, several psychotherapists have made sig-
Similarly, most research studies are oriented toward solving the nificant contributions to this subject. Author and psychotherapist
"problem" of loneliness rather than toward preventing negative emo- Victor Frankl, a survivor of the Nazi concentration camps, wrote
tions through the creation of a positive self-image. In the outmoded about the emotional experiences of aloneness that he lived and wit-
but still strong tradition of psychology as a healing art, many psy- nessed there. Frankl later developed a therapeutic technique based
chologists have wanted to "fix" lonelinessnot to help people avoid on his belief that our central task in life is to discover the meaning
loneliness in the first place. of our individual lives. This discovery, he believed, is the key to
xxii INTRODUCTION INTRODUCTION xxiii

experiencing a life that feels connected to other human beings. What allayed. Eventually, people would come to expect positive outcomes
is most important is that one must discover meaning by oneself, from their time alone. Instead of worrying about our loneliness, we
alone. Frankl's logotherapyliterally meaning therapyhas much to would be looking ahead to growth and change. Instead of feeling
offer to people who are learning positive solitude. anxious about relationships, we would be concerned about things like
Another psychotherapist, Clark E. Moustakas, has made exten- how to improve our personal creativity and how to put more meaning
sive contributions to the thinking on loneliness in his books Loneli- into our lives. These positive issues of personal growth are the kinds
ness and Loneliness and Love. Typical of Moustakas's beliefs is this of "meta-grumbles"to use Abraham Maslow's wonderful word
statement: that mature and healthy human beings should be experiencing.
In the past decade, psychologists have taken an increased inter-
Solitude is a return to one's own self when the world has grown cold est in loneliness. In 1979, the first major research conference on
and meaningless, when life has become filled with people and too much loneliness was held at the University of California at Los Angeles;
of a response to others. Solitude is as much an intrinsic desire in man since then, academics have worked increasingly on issues of loneli-
as his gregariousness. Hermits, solitary thinkers, independent spirits, ness. Though this book was not written primarily for researchers, I
recluses, although often stigmatized in the modern world, are healthy hope that by writing it, I will encourage more of them to work on
expressions of man's dialogue with himself.... It is unlike any other positive solitude. The intellectual underpinnings of positive solitude
experiencenot to have to respond to others, not to be stimulated or derive from a rationalist tradition in psychology that emphasizes
challenged by others, just to be alone.4 personal possibilities for psychological and behavioral self-manage-
ment.6 These approaches have been widely accepted by both re-
Moustakas's writing has sometimes been dismissed as too personal searchers and therapists. Recent approaches in this self-management
and philosophicalas not dispassionate enough for use by other tradition include social learning theory, rational emotive theory, rein-
professionals. Yet his readership has been broad. Many of his ideas forcement theory, and cognitive behavior modification strategies. In
echo those of positive solitude. this self-management tradition, the experience of being alone can be
Extensive studies on sensory deprivation and the reduced envi- treated just like any other set of behaviors and attitudes. It is evalu-
ronmental stimulation therapy (REST) technique pioneered by psy- ated in terms of the satisfaction and health it brings to the individual.
chologist Peter Suedfeld and his associates have also made important Self-management approaches adopt the optimistic and usually realis-
contributions to positive solitude. tic view that a behavior that is learned is a behavior that can be
Apart from these writers, ideas on positive solitude are scat- changed. Since feeling lonely when alone is, as we have seen, a
tered.5 Classical essayists Ralph Waldo Emerson and Michel de Mon- learned behavior, feeling content when alone is a behavior that can
taigne held positive views of it. Poets, such as William Wordsworth, be adopted to replace the loneliness.
William Butler Yeats, and Rainer Maria Rilke, have looked favorably Some professionals will resist the positive solitude approach.
on being alone. Among contemporary writers, May Sarton, Anthony Psychologists and psychiatrists with a strong belief in Freudian psy-
Storr, and Alice Roller are notable for their thoughtful consideration choanalytic theory often disagree with self-management techniques.
of being alone. Theorists in this tradition may argue that adopting a positive attitude
Yet for every account of positive solitude, there are dozens that toward being alone is an attempt to rationalize what they believe to
bemoan the problems of loneliness. If creative thinking about positive be a deep-seated problem of loneliness. In fact, much of the early
solitude were more widespread, more ideas for taking advantage of research on loneliness was done in the psychoanalytic tradition,
time alone would be generated and shared, and loneliness would be which accounts for some of our American pessimism about people's
xxiv INTRODUCTION INTRODUCTION XXV

ability to avoid loneliness. In contrast, I believe, and thousands of the dead. In modern times the best compliment that the living can pay
individuals who live happily alone would concur, that loneliness is a deceased spouse is to marry again."8 Mead pointed out that at a
neither innate nor inevitable. modern funeral it is common for people to hope that the widowed will
It is true that many people are miserable alone. Do unconscious marry again. In other words, in our modern Western culture, we not
traces of their first experience with lonelinessthe separation from only seek to fill the feedback gap, we seek to fill it quickly.
their mothersstill exist somewhere within them? Perhaps. Yet for The psychology of self-management is, of course, part of this
most of us, these traces are vestigial, and they probably affect us only Western philosophy: Here one manages change. Thus, the approach
slightly more than did the gills that we once sprouted as human in this book should be a workable model for most Westerners. Non-
embryos. Research in cognitive psychology over thirty years argues Western cultures often emphasize other modes of coping with being
strongly that conscious mental processes and behaviors can be alone. Some Eastern cultures stress, for example, a person's fate and
changed permanently. Today many psychological problems, from the transcendence of loneliness through an exploration of that fate's
phobias to reduced self-esteem, are being relieved with the cognitive mystical implications. Some of these approaches will be considered
self-management approach. Therapist-authors in this tradition include here. We should realize that these other modes of dealing with being
Albert Ellis and Scott Peck. Writers who work from the same theory alone may be appropriate for some individuals even within our cul-
include Dale Carnegie and Leo Buscaglia. These authors' reasoned ture. In fact, some of the more interesting material that I discovered
approaches are all based on the tradition of cognitive self-manage- on positive solitude integrates aspects of both Western and Eastern
ment, and, adapted for their individual styles, their approaches work. approaches. There is certainly more to t be learned about positive
The positive solitude approach works in the same way. Though posi- solitude in different cultures. The in-depth study of Eastern ap-
tive solitude cannot be achieved overnight, it definitely can, with time proaches to solitude would be a fascinating exploration in its own
and practice, become a central mode of your psychological and spiri- right.
tual life. Given the pervasively negative views of being alone that are held
I want to point out that the psychological approach in this book in our society, the ideas of positive solitude will undoubtedly meet
is very much a product of my education in a Western, rather than an some skeptics. It is all very well to say that one can be happy alone,
Eastern, culture. I will later describe in detail "the feedback gap" that they will argue, but what about sex? What about touching? What about
occurs when a person is lonely, and I will suggest that people can finding meaning in life without family or others nearby to love? What
learn to fill this gap well and productively. This is a distinctively active about having people around to laugh with? Positive approaches to
and pragmatic view that is characteristic of Western approaches to these and other concerns about being alone are the core of this book.
psychological problems. As Margaret Mead once pointed out, "The I will focus here on making positive solitude immediately applicable
stiff upper lip, the well-known Anglo-Saxon fortitude, requires in the in your daily life. Based on the practical application of common sense
case of Americans replacement of the missing."7 Over the past cen- and on sound psychological theories, I will describe new directions
tury, our Western, American philosophy for dealing with being alone for you to explore when you are alone.
has become ever more pragmatic. The Victorian American felt This book is only an introduction to being alone. It cannot fully
obliged to spend a long period mourning the loss of a loved one. describe the adventures and the problems, the pleasures and excite-
Today "Americans on the whole disapprove of those who mope or ments, of life alone, but it shows a positive direction in which to
are inconsolable over the memory of a particular place or person. It travel. Simply, if a person is feeling lonely, this book bears the mes-
is no longer fashionable to die of love, to 'carry the torch' for a sage that there is another way.
faithless love, to pine over a deserting husband, or to grieve long for Writing this book has required and encouraged my own positive
xxvi INTRODUCTION

solitude. At the same time, I have found great satisfaction in the

relationships I have made through this work. I would like to acknowl-
edge, most gratefully, the assistance of David P. Boyd, Jim Goldberg,
Robert Holder, Afsaneh Nahavandi, Marianne Penney, Diane Simp-
son, Marian Turner, Amy Wertheim, and several members of my
family. I have also met personally many individuals who would prefer
not to have their names mentioned here but who, in important con-
versations, shared their experiences most graciously and openly with
me. Their help has deepened the meanings to be found here.

Notes
1. David Riesman, The Lonely Crowd (New Haven: Yale University Press,
1950).
2. Velio Sermat, "Some Situational and Personality Correlates of Loneli-
ness," in Joseph Hartog, J. Ralph Audy, and Yehudi Cohen, eds., The Anatomy
of Loneliness (New York: International Universities Press, 1980), 305.
3. Henry David Thoreau, Walden (Boston: Houghton Mifflin Co., 1960), 96.
4. Clark E. Moustakas, Loneliness and Love (Englewood Cliffs, NJ.: Pren-
tice-Hall, 1972), 40-41.
5. Joseph Hartog, J. Ralph Audy, and Yehudi Cohen, eds., The Anatomy of
Loneliness (New York: International Universities Press, 1980).
6. B. F. Skinner, "What Is Wrong with Daily Life in the Western World?"
American Psychologist (May 1986): 568-74.
7. Margaret Mead, "Loneliness, Autonomy and Interdependence in Cultural
Context," in Hartog, Audy, and Cohen, eds., The Anatomy of Loneliness, 397.
8. Ibid.
xxvi INTRODUCTION

solitude. At the same time, I have found great satisfaction in the

relationships I have made through this work. I would like to acknowl-
edge, most gratefully, the assistance of David P. Boyd, Jim Goldberg,
Robert Holder, Afsaneh Nahavandi, Marianne Penney, Diane Simp-
son, Marian Turner, Amy Wertheim, and several members of my
family. I have also met personally many individuals who would prefer
not to have their names mentioned here but who, in important con-
versations, shared their experiences most graciously and openly with
me. Their help has deepened the meanings to be found here.

Notes
1. David Riesman, The Lonely Crowd (New Haven: Yale University Press,
1950).
2. Velio Sermat, "Some Situational and Personality Correlates of Loneli-
ness," in Joseph Hartog, J. Ralph Audy, and Yehudi Cohen, eds., The Anatomy
of Loneliness (New York: International Universities Press, 1980), 305.
3. Henry David Thoreau, Walden (Boston: Houghton Mifflin Co., 1960), 96.
4. Clark E. Moustakas, Loneliness and Love (Englewood Cliffs, NJ.: Pren-
tice-Hall, 1972), 40-41.
5. Joseph Hartog, J. Ralph Audy, and Yehudi Cohen, eds., The Anatomy of
Loneliness (New York: International Universities Press, 1980).
6. B. F. Skinner, "What Is Wrong with Daily Life in the Western World?"
American Psychologist (May 1986): 568-74.
7. Margaret Mead, "Loneliness, Autonomy and Interdependence in Cultural
Context," in Hartog, Audy, and Cohen, eds., The Anatomy of Loneliness, 397.
8. Ibid.
 Opening
Ifour Self to Solitude
We have a soul that can be turned
upon itself. . . in solitude be to thyself a throng.
MICHEL DE MONTAIGNE, "Of Solitude"

Understanding the Feedback Gap

Human beings experience the world as a cycle of expectations
and events. To survive and to thrive we all need feedback from our
environment. Feedback gives us a feeling of normalcy: When we get
the feedback we expect, our notion of how the world works is con-
firmed. Feedback also gives us the opportunity to learn: When we do
not get the feedback we expect, we must figure out why.
Through feedback, we are constantly learning about our environ-
ment and adapting our behavior. This is not only a scientific way of
viewing the world, but a commonsense view as well. Within this cycle
we live our daily lives: we develop expectations about what will
happen when we act, and we experience a range of emotions, from
4 EXPLORING POSITIVE SOLITUDE OPENING YOUR SELF TO SOLITUDE 5

affirmation to surprise, when our expectations are either confirmed a family that usually ate dinner together and having lived in dorms or
or quashed. apartments with friends ever since, you feel odd eating alone. Maybe
It is a physiological fact that if we are put into total sensory you are harried after a long day's work. You are used to having
deprivation, our brains will invent the input that has been taken away someone to talk things over with. Now there is no one there to soothe
from us. Deprived of sensory feedback, we will become disoriented you.
and, within minutes, will begin to hallucinate. Likewise, human beings This is the portrait of loneliness: actions that don't get reactions,
experience problems when our social feedback is disrupted. Social gestures of love or need or hope that receive no confirmation.
feedback from friends, family members, intimates, and even strangers Whether the feedback you want from others is lost suddenly or
plays an especially important role in our lives. Our attention to such gradually, you still expect it. Habitual pleasures have become fond
feedback is only natural because, for thousands of years, being with expectations, and when you do not get them, you are disappointed.
others has helped human beings to survive. When we are newly alone, the feedback cycle that we are accus-
The feedback cycle influences us every day. A simple illustration tomed to has been disturbed, and we have to create a fresh program
of this influence occurred recently when I went traveling for two for getting the feedback we want and need. People who say they are
weeks. I left my loudly affectionate Balinese cat with a friend, and she lonely are either not getting enough feedback or are getting the
was not returned to me until one day after I had returned. During that wrong kind of feedback. They may erroneously believe that they can
day, I literally missed her. When I was eating breakfast, I expected fill the feedback gap only by being with others. Or it may simply not
her to come yowling to me for her food; when I sat at my desk, I have occurred to them that they can fill the feedback gap themselves.
expected her to crawl onto my lap; when I walked into the living They may lack confidence in their ability and creativity. Whatever the
room, I expected to find her curled up on the couch. You might reason, they create a vicious circle. Because they believe they cannot
casually conclude that I was lonely for her. Yet, if one understands fill the feedback gap themselves, they do not try. Because they do not
the feedback cycle, it could also be said that when I no longer expect try, they fail, and so they fall into helpless and hopeless loneliness.
her, I will not feel lonely for her. When I do not perceive a feedback Fortunately, there is an alternative. Being alone will become a
gap in my life, in a real sense there won't be one. One day, my cat positive experience when you learn to provide your own feedback,
will actually be gone from my life. Then, even though I may remem- filling the feedback gap on your own initiative with satisfying emo-
ber her sweet presence at times, I will not be lonely for her. Having tional, intellectual, and physical experiences. There is a meaningful
learned to be good to myself, I will have filled the feedback gap left difference between filling the feedback gap in conventional, yet unsat-
by her absence with something else that is meaningful. isfying ways and filling it with positive solitude. Through the experi-
When being alone leads to the feeling of loneliness, it is usually ence of positive solitude, you learn that you are not really dependent
because the lonely person is experiencing a feedback gap. Something on others for your happiness. When you are not dependent, your
like this might happen to you if you have recently been divorced or prognosis for the likelihood of discovering happiness is good. You
widowed: You arrive home at 5:30 P.M. after a day at work, just as understand and experience personal autonomy, peace, and joy. You
you have arrived home many times before, except this time there is can banish the specter of loneliness. You can live your life creatively
no one there. You meet darkness and silence. Later that evening, you and fully.
go to bed. There used to be a warm person there, but now the sheets
are cold.
Or perhaps you have just moved into your first apartment alone.
You sit down to eat your evening meal. Having been brought up in
6 EXPLORING POSITIVE SOLITUDE OPENING YOUR SELF TO SOLITUDE 7

Rethinking the Problem of Loneliness of disruption and emotional discomfort. In the long term, the more
self-reliant and creative you can become in filling the feedback gap,
To understand the problem of loneliness, we must realize that the more stable you will be.
life has a way of unexpectedly disrupting our feedback cycle. Few When we do not know how to fill the feedback gap ourselves,
people relish such disruptions. Once our expectations and plans for we often say that we are lonely. What really is loneliness? After your
the future are decided upon, we want to be able to relax, and we even tiring day at work, you come home to your dark apartment and
tend to become complacent. Soon we begin to think we are "all set," imagine it would be much nicer if someone were there. When you eat
but, actually, we are only forgetting the truth about life: that change alone and spend your evenings alone, you are often unhappy, and you
is inevitable. say to yourself that you must be lonely. When you are physically
Drastic disruptions in the feedback cycle take the form of deaths, aloneliving alone, perhaps, or spending a great deal of time alone
divorces, and incapacitating illnesses. Other major disruptions also blaming your unhappiness on the emotional disturbance, the "dis-
occur: the disruption of the relationship between a husband and a wife ease," of loneliness seems to be logical. It is natural for people who
when a child is born, the changes that occur when lovers separate, are alone to focus on loneliness as a "problem" to be solved. In fact,
or the changes brought on by retirement. Some of these changes can it is not surprising that many people focus on loneliness as the major
be expected, and you may be able to plan ahead to fill the feedback emotional problem to be solved when their lives are not going well.
gap that will be left by them. When you can plan ahead, the feeling The newest behavioral-science research suggests that this way
of emptiness that so often accompanies loneliness is lessened and of thinking is actually a mistake, because interestingly enough, loneli-
may not even occur. Sometimes disruptions in the feedback cycle ness is not a true emotion. An emotion is "a set of distinct feelings
cannot be anticipated. These are especially troublesome because you that have observable and consistent physiological reactions." Psy-
will not be ready to fill the feedback gap that they cause. chologists have learned, however, that different people experience
Often in life feedback is simply inconstant. After the intensity of loneliness differently and that the experience of it is so inconsistent
a family holiday season, you may experience the January blues: The that what it is cannot be clearly identified. Anger, in contrast, is a true
feedback in your life has become much less intense. During a week- emotion. When people are angry, they demonstrate a consistent
end spent at a therapeutic retreat involving many group activities, you pattern of responses. Their blood pressure goes up, they get red in
can easily experience a feedback high. Afterwards, it is also typical the face, they clench their muscles, and they are generally agitated.
to experience a significant letdown. You return to the less feedback- Fear is another true emotion. Its consistent pattern includes a faster
rich environment that characterizes your daily life, puzzling a bit over heartbeat, sweating, and dilation of the pupils. Unlike anger and fear,
why the high cannot be maintained, maybe even blaming yourself for loneliness has no consistent, unique physiological expression. It is not
losing that intensity. a discrete, identifiable emotional experience.
All people experience these variations in the feedback cycle. All Loneliness has been described by its sufferers as everything
of us face disruptions in our connections with the world. If we are to from feelings of emptiness and boredom to the experience of angst
be well-adjusted human beings, we learn to deal with these situations. and desperation. Some lonely people are primarily depressed. Others
We learn how to fill the feedback gap. A basic principle of positive are anxious. Some are angry. Others are frightened. Some individuals
solitude is that it is essential to be able to fill the feedback gap by say that when they are lonely they experience a variety of emotions
yourself. Whether a feedback gap opens gradually or suddenly, if you anger and fear at some times, depression at others. What, then, is
can fall back on yourself to fill it, you can live your life with a minimum loneliness? It is not itself a problem emotion. Loneliness is a word that
 OPENING YOUR SELF TO SOLITUDE 9
8 EXPLORING POSITIVE SOLITUDE

people use to summarize their experience of the problem emotions they will they accept your aloneness and think of you as an individual, as
the whole person "Ted" or "Sally."
feel when they are alone.
Because your physical aloneness is such an obvious outer symp-
It is necessary to understand the concept of loneliness because tom of the changes in your life, being alone becomes an important
the way we think about it is basic to our effectiveness in filling the issue. Often when you are alone, "loneliness" is the first word that
feedback gap. People blame loneliness and being alone for a wide you will think of to describe your unhappiness. "Isn't it obvious?" you
range of emotional and behavioral problems. What they are really think. "I'm unhappy because I am alone." But think again. You may
doing is making loneliness the scapegoat for their various inadequa- be unhappy because you have not taken responsibility for your life
cies in the face of filling the feedback gap. In the end, loneliness is alone. You have not recognized the feedback gap, and you have not
best understood as a word that describes people's failure to fill the yet figured out how to fill your life with security and with meaning
feedback gap by themselves. and with whatever else it is that you may treasure.
Let us think about what happens when you experience a feed- In our society there are many familiar examples of this phenome-
back gap in your life. You separate from a lover, or a family member non. We have all heard about people like a woman who is so wrapped
dies, or you lose a pet. When a feedback gap like this opens up, you up in her children that when they go to bed at night she doesn't know
usually experience some unhappiness. For we human beings, whose what to do with herself; she claims that at night she becomes lonely.
survival has depended on acknowledging and mastering sudden We know harried executives whose business schedules are so frag-
changes in our environment, even mild change causes some emo- mented and full that outside work they have little energy for them-
tional upset. This upset is productive because it forces us to adapt selves or others; executives like themselves, they believe, are high-
to run to escape being eaten, to show submission before being forci- energy people who must manage time efficiently even at some
bly subdued. Predictably, unhappiness is especially likely when the emotional costs. But when they are asked about the causes of their
feedback gap occurs as a result of broken relationships. Because we problems, they attribute them not to fatigue or to time constraints,
are social animals, such breaks in the feedback gap often cause us not to filling the feedback gap .with nonsatisfying activities, but to
significant stress. We are likely to experience a broad range of nega- loneliness. "He travels fastest who travels alone," they say, but add
tive emotions, including sadness, anxiety, grief, fear, anger, helpless- "It is lonely at the top."
ness, and depression. Every individual who says he or she is lonely actually has a
There is an additional change in your life when an important unique set of life problems and disruptive emotions to deal with. In
relationship ends. You may be able to hide your emotions from your every case in which people say they are lonely, we can see that
friends and acquaintances. You may even act pretty much as before. beneath their description much more is going on emotionally. A lonely
But you cannot escape being seen alone. Your actual physical alone- widow says: "You get disgusted when you are alone and you have to
ness is suddenly like a badge that you always wearthe modern do everything yourself, especially when you are not well."1 Clearly,
version of Hester Prynne's red "A": Alone. The most visible altera- this woman is discouraged and tired because she is not physically
tion in your way of living, both to you and to others, is that you are well. She feels incompetent to handle "everything" because she lacks
now physically alone. Whereas formerly you visited friends with your certain practical skills. Like many women of her generation, she is
spouse, now you visit them alone. Whereas you used to spend Sunday accustomed to having her husband handle many of the practicalities
dinners with your partner, now you spend them alone. Friends once in her life. She feels helpless primarily because she is ill, but she has
considered you part of a couple and would treat you as such; you were allowed this feeling to permeate other aspects of her life as well. She
part of "Ted and Sally." Now guess who is coming to dinner? Friends says she is lonely, but if she were to look deeper, she would see that
are at first likely to say, "Just Ted" or "Just Sally." Only gradually
10 EXPLORING POSITIVE SOLITUDE OPENING YOUR SELF TO SOLITUDE 11

being alone is only a symptom of her problemspractical problems secure. What can she do? It is true that she would feel more physically
that include her illness and her deficient skills. secure if her husband were with her. But she could also take steps
Here is a widower who also has a unique set of problems: to secure her home so she would be comfortable in it by herself. Yes,
the memories are painful. But is she in pain primarily because she is
Once in a while, once in a while if I come home into the night and sit alone right now or because she has been abandoned and her self-
down, and let's say have a glass of beer and read the paper and think esteem has suffered? Again, being alone is only the most obvious
for about a half an hour before I go to bed, I get a little sense of despair. symptom, not the cause, of her suffering. The real cause is her failure
It's not necessary because I know that the kids are well looked after to realize and use her own abilitiesthe ability to make her home
all the time and all this, but it's a lonesome feeling.2 more secure, the ability to rid it systematically and deliberately of
traces of her husband, the ability to work through her hurt or anger.
What is this man's lonesome feeling? Does it come from being alone, This woman is letting the feedback gap fill up with her helplessness.
or does it originate in the depressant effects of alcohol and the She is not taking charge of it and filling it with experiences that she
invariably negative evening news? It is probably true that if this man wants.
were with another person, that person would buoy his mood. The When you are alone, this vague concept called loneliness feels
depressant effect of alcohol might become, at least for a time, a like an especially apt word to describe your emotional problems.
mutual conviviality, and the two might discuss the news and make "Isn't it clear that I am feeling lousy?" you protest. "Isn't it clear that
light of it. But it is the alcohol and the news, not the fact that he is I am alone?" Yes, both these facts can be true. What is not true is
alone, that are the immediate causes of this man's unhappiness. He that one necessarily causes the other.
can change his mood by avoiding depressants and by reading more In our society, loneliness is an encompassing and socially accept-
positive accounts or making the effort to put the negative accounts able explanation for our unhappiness in times of emotional stress. We
into perspective. He might even discover happier ways to fill his are likely to use it out of habit, without really thinking about it. It is
evenings. The point is that he can solve his own unhappiness, in a convenient word to explain our problems. But it is really too conve-
solitude, by taking responsibility for it. nient. It is overused. It is a crutch^The result is that our negative
Here a woman newly separated from her husband is described: associations about the idea of being alone are strengthened, and our
fears about being alone increase. In addition, because the word loneli-
In the bathroom closet at bedtime she comes across some of his old ness does not adequately convey the range of concrete problems that
prescriptions, abandoned in his getaway; how long, she wonders will underlie it, "curing" the problems is made more difficult.
it be before all traces of his living in this home will be erased? In bed, Relying on loneliness as the explanation for your problems can
she delays turning the light off; the darkness is full of nameless fears be incredibly dangerous. Because loneliness does not really exist,
when one is alone. Finally, she does turn it off, but stays on her side solving the "problem of loneliness" is truly an impossible task. Be-
of the bed, as if he were still there; the night presses upon her, the cause loneliness itself is not clearly identifiable, it seems and truly is
house makes mysterious noises that cause her heart to skip, and she unmanageable. No one can put together a puzzle that has no pieces.
waits for something to happen.3 It is only when you realize that the word loneliness merely symbol-
zes emotionsemotions that, because they are clearly identifiable,
This woman, too, says she is lonely. Actually, she is suffering from are manageablethat the "problem of loneliness" can be solved.
several emotional stresses. She has memories that make her feel sad If, following a personal loss, such as the death or divorce of a
and angry. She is afraid. She does not feel physically or emotionally spouse, you say to yourself that loneliness is the problem, you are
12 EXPLORING POSITIVE SOLITUDE OPENING YOUR SELF TO SOLITUDE 13

going to be handicapped in filling the feedback gap. It is likely that you Discovering Positive Ideas About Solitude
will tell yourself "I am lonely" when you should say to yourself, "I
am sad" and "I am afraid." When you experience a loss, it is more Among human cultures there are wide fluctuations in the human
constructive to think, "I have to work through my grief or "I have experience of being alone. It is well known that different languages
to work on my anger" than it is to think, "I have to do something reflect the different environments in which people find themselves,
about my loneliness." For most people, loneliness cannot have one that because of their landscape, the Eskimos, for instance, have doz-
cure, but it must have many. Indeed, loneliness itself cannot be ens of words for white. The Eskimos also have several words for
loneliness. One word signifies being "silent and withdrawn" because
"cured" unless the various feelings that suggest it are dealt with.
of the absence of other people. Another indicates "being or feeling
If your problem truly was "being alone," then loneliness cer-
left behind; to miss a person who has gone." Yet another, their most
tainly would be frightening. Then it would be realistic for you to feel
encompassing term, means "to be unhappy because of the absence
helpless and depressed because, of all the negative emotions, loneli-
of other people.
ness would be the only one that you could not alleviate yourself. Fear
In contrast, in the culture of the Tahitians, there is no word for
is an emotion you can conquer by learning and by courage. Anger you
loneliness in the sense of being depressed or sad because of the lack
can work out or give up. But, by definition, if being alone is the cause
of companionship.4 The society has been so open for so long that the
of a problem, you have to be with at least one other person to solve
idea of being alone barely exists.
it. You require other people's cooperation to fix your loneliness. And
In some cultures solitude is revered as a path toward spiritual
typically we cannot control other people.
or psychological transcendence. Throughout history, religious in-
No wonder loneliness is such a depressing problem! We seldom novators in these cultures, such as Moses, Jesus, Mohammed, Zo-
hear people say that they fear their anger or that they fear sadness. roaster, and the Buddha, have sought wilderness experiences to
But we often hear people say that they fear loneliness. If loneliness discover major visions. As part of a rite of passage into adulthood,
was a true emotion, then it would be the one aspect of our emotional tribal cultures in North and South America, Africa, Asia, and Australia
lives in which we would be totally dependent on others to fulfill our have sent adolescents alone into the wilderness to seek wisdom.
needs. It would be the one emotion that was not under our psycholog- Individuals who undertake these rites expect to grow beyond their
ical control. All of these issues would be significantif our problem ordinary selves, and often they do have unique experiences. One
were really, literally, being alone. Fortunately, it is not. modern version of this rite in America today is an integral part of
The problem is how you, the individual, interpret being alone. If self-development training run by the Outward Bound organization.
you are alone and do not like being alone, if you find that nothing People are deliberately stranded in a remote place, often under primi-
rewarding happens to you while you are alone, then you are likely to tive conditions. They are left alone to face their own abilities, their
feel emotions like anxiety, anger, and depression. If, on the other own frailties, and their own solitude and they are expected to grow
hand, you accept that being alone is a state of being, not a state of from this experience.
deprivation, if it is merely a fact that people interpret intellectually Over the centuries, examining both the positive and negative
and emotionally, then you can experience being alone with a full range sides of solitude has been a major theme in German philosophy. Early
of emotions, including happy and positive ones. Being alone need not German writers held the view that solitude provides an opportunity
lead to helplessness and hopelessness because learning how to man- 'Or reflection and for communication with God and with oneself. The
age your feelings when you are alone can be turned into a realistic Germans even have a word for positive solitude. Einsamkeit has
challenge. historically meant realizing the strength of one's character by actually
14 EXPLORING POSITIVE SOLITUDE OPENING YOUR SELF TO SOLITUDE 15

choosing to spend time alone. In the 1940s social scientists who our survival or for positive feedback, we can choose to fill the feed-
studied the experience of Einsamkeit in Germans and Americans back gap ourselves, providing ourselves with the experience of inde-
discovered that the German people saw solitude primarily as a posi- pendence, centering, and love. Freed from the belief that you need
tive phenomenon associated with words like strong and health, while others, you can devote your energies to finding happiness and con-
Americans perceived it as negative and associated with fear. It may tentment within yourself. You can banish the specter of loneliness.
be a reflection of the stresses of modern times that when this study A growing number of writers, therapists, and researchers agree
was replicated decades later, the Germans had become more like the with this line of reasoning. They believe that if our society can be less
pessimistic Americans. Today in Germany two interpretations of negative about being alone and if individuals can think about being
positive solitude still exist. One is the idea of solitude as a "splendid alone in the way I have described, then being alone can be a good
isolation," considered to be necessary if a person wants to discover experience, even a joyful exploration. They believe that for many who
new forms of freedom or even new forms of contact with other now suffer only loneliness, positive solitude is a viable alternative.
people. The second is the idea that through being physically isolated, One such voice is psychotherapist Peter Suedfeld:
one can search for new positive experiences. The connotations of
solitude now also include what we would call lonelinessthe feeling
[There] are positive experiences to be savored in solitude. They are
of an inner estrangement and alienationand the idea of losing a
both beneficial and pleasant; and although they may not be "healing"
loved one or other social contacts. in the strict sensesince there is no illness to be healedthey cer-
These comparisons suggest that our personal experience of tainly are so in the wider sense. Aloneness in this context fills a need,
being alone is culturally conditioned in significant ways. In America removes a lack, impels growth. There seems to be no loneliness; rather
even the language we speak overlooks the idea of positive solitude. the individual feels a freedom from distraction, from the usual restric-
Fortunately, because our attitudes toward being alone are condi- tions imposed by social norms and the need to maintain face, and the
tioned, they can also be relearned. We can come to the realization that benefits of reducing external stimulation to the point where the still,
the main problem that most people have when alone is not being alone small internal voices can be heard.5
per se, but how they have learned to react to the changes that have
taken place in their lives. Many existentialist psychologists also emphasize positive soli-
When you understand positive solitude, you are not really depen- tude. They believe that being alone is a central fact of existence and
dent on others for your happiness. And when you are not dependent, that accepting it is important to human development. Existentialist
your likelihood of discovering happiness is good. therapist Rollo May captured the essence of the philosophy when he
Remember that the human feedback in our lives is not always wrote:
positive. In modern societies, although it is unfashionable to say so,
people complicate our lives. Co-workers, strangers on the street, and We all stand on the edge of life, each moment comprising that edge.
even family members are as likely to increase the stress in our lives Before us is only possibility. This means the future is open Despair,
as to allay it. People put demands on us daily and often compete with yes. But it is the beginning of human consciousness and all of the joys
us for scarce resources. Even when people love us and we love thei that opens to us.6
they sometimes annoy and obstruct us.
Fortunately, the same society that brings us loneliness and ex Another prominent existentialist who has studied aloneness is the
cessive togetherness also brings us the affluence that makes sepa- therapist Clark E. Moustakas. Moustakas makes the useful distinction
rateness possible. When we are no longer dependent on others fo between "loneliness anxiety" and "true loneliness." Loneliness anxi-
16 EXPLORING POSITIVE SOLITUDE OPENING YOUR SELF TO SOLITUDE 17

etywhat I have called loneliness heredistracts you from your of the self may provide the individual with necessary feedbacks in
mission in life and leads you to seek too much contact with others. powerful and creative ways. The small internal voice, the encounter
True lonelinesswhat I call simply being aloneinvolves the reality with the depths of your self, and the pleasure of feeling calm and
of facing your life experiences alone. creativeall these expressions have in common the idea of accepting
In Individuality and Encounter, Moustakas related his personal the responsibility of giving positive, consistent feedback to yourself
experience of true loneliness when he had to decide whether to give and rejecting the feedback offered by an uncaring and random world.
his consent for his daughter's major heart surgery. The surgery To say "I'd rather be alone" becomes not a defense, but an honorable
would either restore his daughter to health or result in her death. In choice.
the urgency and gravity of the situation, Moustakas felt alone:
Practicing Positive Solitude: A Case Example
I tried to draw from deep down within myself a single answer While
no answer came to the problem of surgery, I became aware that at the We can fill the feedback gap in conventional, unsatisfying ways
center of my world was a deep and pervasive feeling of loneliness. With or we can fill it with positive solitude. These ideas can be seen in
this feeling came the tentative realization that loneliness is a capacity everyday terms in the case of Ron Johnson, a single man in his
or source in man for new searching, awareness, and inspirationthat thirties. Ron split up with his wife two years ago after eight years of
when the outside world ceases to have meaning, when support and marriage. Ron says he feels lonely "a fair amount of the time." He
confirmation are lacking or are not adequate to assuage human suffer- has asked a couple of dozen women out since his divorce, but nothing
ing, when doubt and uncertainty overwhelm a person, then the individ- seems to click. Nothing "feels as right" as his marriage did. He and
ual may contemplate life from the depths of his own self and in nature.
his wife used to be a popular couple in a set of couples with whom
For me, this was a discovery that in a crucial and compelling crisis, in
he seldom associates now. "Couples drop you. They mostly want to
spite of comfort and sympathy from others, one can feel utterly and
be with other couples," he explains. "I have a few good male friends;
completely alone, that at bottom, the experience of loneliness [alone-
we play tennis and go to ball gamesthat sort of thing. But my social
ness] exists in its own right as a source of power and creativity, as a
source of insight and direction, as a requirement of living no matter life isn't what it used to be." He smiles derisively. "I'm certainly not
how much love and affirmation one receives in his work and in his the stereotype of the carefree bachelor; I spend a lot of time alone
relationships with others.7 and I watch a lot of TV, sports mostly. Sure, I'm lonely sometimes."
Why is Ron lonely? He is lonely because he has not filled the
Among those who believe that being alone can be a positive feedback gap left by his divorce. He "spends time" doing things, of
experience, a common theme is that a person alone must be able to course, but, sadly, he is truly "spending" time rather than enjoying
provide his or her own feedback. If you live alone in environments that it. He still longs for the rich feedback environment he had when he
reinforce your fear, tension, and anger, you will be unhappy; if you was married. For example, he mentions the highly satisfactory inter-
live alone in environments that reinforce relaxation, creativity, and personal relationships he and his wife had with several other couples.
happiness, you will be content. Suedfeld calls filling the feedback gap We may also guess that he and his wife had at least some mutual
finding your "internal voice." Aloneness, he says, fills a "need"; interests. Probably his sexual interests were at least somewhat ful-
alone, you remove a deficiency by choosing the feedback that encour- filled during his marriage. Now most of these ready rewards are no
ages growth. Moustakas points out that the outside world may cease longer available: no lively set of heterosexual relationships, no full-
to provide meaning, support, and confirmationthat is, it may fail to time companionship, no regular sex life. Instead, Ron has his buddies
provide adequate feedback. When it does, he discovered, the "depth and his sports, his random dates, his television. Clearly, he under-
18 EXPLORING POSITIVE SOLITUDE OPENING YOUR SELF TO SOLITUDE 19

stands that these activities and relationships are not enough for him, TV and read and jog. But I've also really gotten into my darkroom
but he doesn't know what to do about it. For example, he wants a lately, and I've joined the local camera club. I'm thinking of doing some
relationship with a woman, but he discounts the women he meets and professional photography on the side. It's not the same as when I was
with my wife. My interests have changed, but I do have more time, and
does not work to develop deeper relationships with them. Ron is also
I have time now for the kinds of things that require intense personal
dissatisfied, maybe even insecure, because he does not live up to his involvement.
ideal of the "carefree bachelor." I'm not the independent bachelor typethe kind that is out every
We can see that Ron is talking himself into his loneliness. For night with a different woman or at a different function. That's just not
one thing, he is looking back unrealistically. Like most of us, he me. Actually I enjoy staying home much of the time.
remembers the good times instead of the whole picture. Idealizing
past relationships, such as the family life we experienced in our Now Ron is not looking back. He recognizes that his life has
childhood, is normal. In a similar way, Ron is remembering only the changed. He is pursuing new interests and new peopleboth in
best in his feedback-rich marriageforgetting that the best of a depth. In one way, he is doing just what the advice-to-the-lovelorn
long-term, well-developed relationship is a tough standard to use in columnist might tell him to dohe has joined a club that he is really
judging a casual date. interested in, and although meeting people is not his reason for
For another thing, Ron is unproductively comparing his life with joining, the club may, ironically, be a good place to do so. Ron may
that of others. He has chosen to compare his life with a media stereo- or may not meet Ms. Right at the camera club, but the important thing
type of the swinging single male. He might have compared himself is that it doesn't matter. Ron is realizing who he is, what he likes,
equally as unproductively with his happily married older brother or where he is going. He is putting meaningful feedback back into his
with the men in the couples that he used to socialize with. Most likely, life, both from relationships and from his time alone. He has filled the
he would see them as being better off than he is. We all have this feedback gap productively. When he waxes philosophical about it, he
tendency to evaluate our lives in contrast with others' instead of recognizes that his new interests and attitudes are a natural part of
concentrating on the positive that we have in our own situation and changing, of living. He knows that he will continue to change. Sure,
instead of spending our energies filling the feedback gap. his married brother is happy, he says, but so, in his different lifestyle,
What might Ron's situation feel like if he had filled the feedback is he.
gap effectively? Well, we should not assume that Ron would be dating When you experience a feedback gap, the word loneliness itself
a dozen different women or that he is about to be married again. Both 's a trap. When you feel what you are tempted to call loneliness, you
these "solutions" would be unrealistic and, perhaps, unwise. If Ron are probably describing a period in which you are experiencing a
was making a healthy adjustment, he would put it this way: variety of different uncomfortable emotions. How you fill the feed-
back gap determines the emotions you will feel and whether you will
Since my divorce I have dated a lot of women. A few of these relation- conquer your unhappiness. The responsibility for doing so is yours
ships I have pursued, really getting to know the women well and alone. The reward for doing it is to know the positive solitude expen-
making friends. Some of these relationships have been sexual, and se of self-confidence, joy, and independence.
some have not. I have a couple of good male friends that I buddy around
with. I am still close to one of the couples that I used to see when I
was married. I make it a point to play doubles with them once in a while.
I also spend a lot of time alone. I do the usual things like watch
20 EXPLORING POSITIVE SOLITUDE

Notes
1. Quoted in Helena Znaniecki Lopata, "Loneliness: Forms and Comp
nents," in Robert S. Weiss, ed., Loneliness: The Experience of Emotional and 2
Social Isolation (Cambridge, Mass.: MIT Press, 1975), 106.
2. Robert S. Weiss, ed., Loneliness: The Experience of Emotional and Socia
Isolation (Cambridge, Mass.: MIT Press, 1975), 106.
Avoiding the
3. Morton M. Hunt, "Alone, Alone, All, All Alone," in Weiss, Loneliness,
126.
4. Letitia Anne Peplau, Maria Miceli, and Bruce Morasch, "Loneliness and
Loneliness Traps
Self-evaluation," in Letitia Anne Peplau and Daniel Perlman, eds., Loneliness: A
Sourcebook of Current Theory, Research and Therapy (New York: John Wiley &
Sons, 1982), 136-37.
5. Peter Suedfeld, "Aloneness as a Healing Experience," in Peplau and One is one's own refuge.
Perlman, eds., Loneliness: A Sourcebook of Current Theory, Research and Ther- Who else could be the refuge?
apy, 61. THE BUDDHA
6. Rollo May, Freedom and Destiny (New York: W. W. Norton & Co., 1981),
242.
7. Clark E. Moustakas, Individuality and Encounter (Cambridge, Mass.:
Howard A. Doyle Publishing Co., 1968), 104-5.

Changing your life from unhappy loneliness to contented and

creative solitude may be one of the most challenging things you can
accomplish. Positive solitude is a new way of thinking and being.
Everywhere you go, you will be influenced and even pressured to
seek togetherness and to avoid being alone. Friends will tell you that
you are just into a phase. Psychoanalysts may suggest that you are
masochistically repressing your need for affiliation. How will you sort
out all these ideas?
Even though you may personally decide that you can be happy
alone, your explorations toward positive solitude will simply not be
reinforced by the people around you. It will be rather like trying to
diet in a family that lives for ice cream. There are no popular songs
about how great it is to spend the night alone. There are no models
of positive solitude on family television. It would be a kinky nightclub
22 EXPLORING POSITIVE SOLITUDE AVOIDING THE LONELINESS TRAPS 23

indeed that would invite you in to teach you the pleasures of being fhe "Inevitability" of Loneliness
alone.
Sometimes the pressure on you will occur because people have Loneliness Trap 1 is the erroneous belief that "when I am alone
other agendas in mind. All kinds of singles groups survive by pushing it is inevitable that I will have some periods of loneliness." Examine
people's loneliness buttons. Dating services make millions of dollars the cause-effect relationship implied in this statement. "It is inevitable
annually. At times the pressure on you will result merely from peo-1 that I will have some periods of loneliness" suggests that being alone
pie's ignorance and habit. Solitude simply does not have a place of I causes bad feelings. Yet being alone is a characteristic not so different
honor in our society. What you will encounter on a daily basis are the from other characteristicslike being especially tall or having a par-
old attitudes that lead people who are alone to feel lonely, the pres- \ ticular income or living in a certain community. Of course, any charac-
sures that will encourage you to seek to be part of a couple or part J teristic can "cause" us to feel good or bad if we let it. It is not so much
of a group. the characteristic itself as the interpretation that you put on it that
These aspects of American culture that encourage loneliness counts. Being alone does not itself cause periods of loneliness (such
instead of healthful solitude are the loneliness traps. A loneliness trap as bad feelings), any more than being tall causes a person to feel
is any common influence that reinforces unhappy loneliness instead depressed. It is your interpretation and your habitual feeling patterns
of positive solitude. These influences are "traps" because you come I that cause the bad feelings when you are alone. If you expect being
across them unexpectedly and fall into them accidentally. When you f alone to cause sadness, it is likely to do so.
experience a feedback gap in your life, the traps open up all around It is almost true that when you are alone, you will have "some
you. Often the traps are the quick-fix solutions that are most readily periods" of loneliness. More precisely, it is true that when you are
available. They are the easy ways and, often, the socially acceptable I alone, you will have some times of unhappiness. All of us have unhap-
ways to fill the feedback gap. The trouble with them is that over the piness in our lives, and these bad times will occur when we are alone,
long term, they discourage your acquisition of the important skills of as well as when we are with others. These periods may actually occur
positive solitude: learning to decrease problem emotions when you more often when you are alone if for no other reason than because
are alone and learning to like being alone. when you are with others your mind tends to be preoccupied. When
Some of the most important loneliness traps are our unexamined I you are alone, there are fewer stimuli competing with your feelings
beliefs about being alone. During our lives, each of us has developed and ideas for your attention, and previously suppressed feelings and
many personal beliefs about being alone. We based our earliest ideas are more likely to surface. This situation is actually good be-
thoughts on the attitudes of our worried parents: "Are you sure you I cause you are in touch with who you are. But bad feelings are inevita-
will be all right alone?" "I can't leave you all alone!" As teenagers, ble throughout life, not only when you are alone. Often being alone
we saw our peers ostracized if they spent a lot of time alone. We is not itself the cause of such feelings; it is merely the opportunity
thought they were weird, loners. Probably, you have not examined for them. If you are more unhappy when you are alone, you should
these beliefs closely. Often they are so widely repeated in our culture carefully examine potential causes other than the mere fact that you
that they seem to be common sense. Upon inspection, it becomes are alone.
clear that although these beliefs are, indeed, common, they are not To anticipate being lonely is indeed frightening. It is less fright-
particularly practical or sensible. ening to anticipate depression or anxiety because these are discrete,
'dentifiable emotions that are known to be curable. Problems like
depression and anxiety have been studied extensively, and, unlike
loneliness, therapists and clients have developed highly successful
24 EXPLORING POSITIVE SOLITUDE
AVOIDING THE LONELINESS TRAPS 25

therapeutic and personal strategies for dealing with them. In fact, it is done in a context of working directly on these problems, meeting
most of the usual problems associated with loneliness have been people is unlikely to alleviate the feelings underlying your loneliness.
extensively studied and successfully treated. Helplessness, feelings If your meeting with others is handled unskillfully or if you are
of low self-esteem, and lack of social skills are all related problems unlucky enough to meet the wrong people, encounters can actually
that individuals and therapists have worked with successfully for increase your feelings of loneliness. When you are unsuccessful in
decades. If you persist in the belief that loneliness is your problem, your socializing, meeting others will reduce your self-esteem. Spend-
you will not be able to take advantage of the psychological knowledge ing a lot of time with people can foster your unhealthy dependence
that exists and you will experience considerable unnecessary anxiety on them. It can fill your time without being satisfying.
about your ability to change.
So meeting people as a solution to loneliness is likely to be a
When you are alone, it is not inevitable that you will have periods mixed blessing. The most effective prescription for the alleviation of
of loneliness. Realizing the true emotions behind the word loneliness depression, anxiety, lack of self-esteem, or any of the other underly-
is essential if you are to fill the feedback gap successfully. Identifying ing emotions of loneliness is not the wholesale administration of the
these emotional issues will help you reduce the impact of this erro- togetherness drug, but, rather, addressing these problems directly
neous belief. and separately. It is only our widespread cultural insistence that
togetherness is a cure for loneliness that permits this erroneous
"Meeting People" as an Answer belief to go unexamined.

Loneliness Trap 2 is the erroneous belief that when you are

feeling lonely, you should try to meet more people. This belief is often Do People Need People?
what drives people to singles bars, and perhaps it has already driven
Loneliness Trap 3 is the related belief that "people need peo-
you there. It is the foundation of the singles industry. It is the advice ple." As the popular song lyrics say, "People who need people are
a newly alone person gets most often. the luckiest people in the world." This belief is wrong both logically
Again, the seduction of this belief, as with all beliefs, is that there and scientifically.
is some truth in it. It is true that meeting people will temporarily Logically, of course, people who don't need people may be the
occupy your mind. Being active in any way is superficially effective luckiest. If you can be happy and self-sufficient alone, who can quarrel
simply because it does not allow time for your feelings to surface. The with your success? Independence is a worthwhile goal that many
challenge and the risks of socializing, especially with new people and people strive for. What could be more logical than to be independently
with those of the opposite sex, can be just as preoccupying as, say, in control of your own happiness?
writing a complicated computer program. There is some satisfaction
Social scientists have actually found little evidence to prove that
in having gone to a singles bar and survived. Meeting others may take
People need people. Only a few psychologists believe that loneliness
your mind off your persistent emotional problems. It provides some ls
a basic motivater, that once people have satisfied their more obvi-
temporary rest and relief from these feelings. Meeting others may
ous physiological and biological drives and have secured and are
also give you the opportunity to see how people like you are dealing comfortable with the necessities of air, water, and food, they then
with similar problems and may provide you with opportunities to strive to alleviate loneliness. But there are few data to support their
enhance your self-esteem. y
iew, and most modern social science research downplays the impor-
In these ways, being with others temporarily relieves loneliness, tance of the need for others. Adults do have some basic needs that
yet it does not solve the emotional problems that still exist. Unless mu
st be met before higher needs become of real importance to them.
26 EXPLORING POSITIVE SOLITUDE AVOIDING THE LONELINESS TRAPS 27

These are the needs for security, safety, food, and shelter. The higher tional territory. If your retreat consists primarily of exposure to
needs are thought to include, among many others, the need to the mindless aspects of popular culture, increased loneliness, in the
achieve, the need to have control over one's life, and the need to be forms of boredom, sadness, and a sense of emptiness, will be the
with other people. So being with others is certainly not a basic need. result. Like suddenly taking on a new lover, taking on the media can
And among the higher needs, no one particular need is more impor- be risky.
tant than any other. There is no reason to suppose that in your life Music is a significant part of this loneliness trap. Listening to
the "need for affiliation" will dominate your other needs. music is one of the most popular strategies mentioned by people who
Modern research has even led to a rethinking of the term need are trying to cope with their loneliness. There are no data to indicate
itself. What social scientists used to call the "need" for affiliation is whether this strategy is actually successful. However, common sense
now called merely "the motivation to affiliation." Many psychologists tells us that often it is not. First, you are often tempted to choose
eschew the theory of psychological needs. While physiological needs music that suits your moodquiet, even melancholic music when you
can be demonstrated, it is not clear that psychologically we really are sad or depressed or fast-paced and lively music when your mood
need any particular satisfactions. Some of us may "like people." Some is up. The music you chose reinforces your mood, of course, and if
may like to be by themselves. And some people may like people on you are depressed this choice is clearly counterproductive.
some occasions. But contrary to popular belief, the evidence is that, If you are alone and sad, you should probably decide to listen to
psychologically at least, people do not absolutely need each other. mood-changing, rather than mood-reinforcing, music, opting for the
up-beat rock rather than the moody ballad. Unfortunately, our popular
culture dictates that we cannot always choose the most appropriate
Pitfalls in American Popular Culture music. When you turn on the radio, you put yourself at the mercy of
Loneliness Trap 4 is found every day in American popular cul- the popular mood, the mood of the disc jockey and, especially, of the
ture, which influences our attitudes through music, television, and lyricists. In our culture songs about love and loneliness are ubiqui-
print and other media. The attitudes of other people who are affected tous. Love is idealized as the way to happiness, and loneliness is
by this culture, in turn, affect us. Because we take it for granted and portrayed as the opposite of love. Songs that extoll the virtues of
do not examine its effects, the popular culture influences us pro-j positive solitude (the words do not exactly lend themselves to musi-
foundly. It holds many pitfalls for the person who is alone. cal rendition!) are rare. When you are looking for such reinforcing
If you are alone, indiscriminate retreat into entertainment can be) music, you will be lucky if you hear songs like the eighties hits "I Am
detrimental to your well-being. Popular entertainment is especially What I Am" and "Walking On Sunshine." You will not hear these
dangerous if you are newly alone. Entertainment is made so conve- upbeat, uplifting tunes on the airwaves on a regular basis. Instead,
nient that it may appeal especially to the person who has been re- you are likely to find a lot of mournful and angry lyrics on love and
cently hurt by a close relationship. Instead of marriage on the re- loneliness.
bound, you do media on the rebound. Your sense of personal initiative Every recent generation has had its musical renditions of the
may have temporarily waned. Your physical energy level is likely to 'ove-and-loneliness theme. The forties had Irving Berlin's "You're
be low. Under these circumstances, it is easy to flip on the television Lonely and I'm Lonely" and Hank Williams's "I'm So Lonesome I
or the radio to fill time. Could Cry" (which was revived in the sixties.) The fifties gave us
It is true that under such trying circumstances, some sort 'Lonely Street" and Paul Anka's "Lonely Boy." In the sixties there
w
emotional retreat to safer territory makes sense. But for reasons ere "Mister Lonely" (by Gene Allan and Bobby Vinton), "Only the
will describe, popular entertainment does not represent safer em" Lonely" (by Roy Orbison and Joe Melson), and "Sergeant Pepper's
28 EXPLORING POSITIVE SOLITUDE AVOIDING THE LONELINESS TRAPS 29

Lonely Hearts Club Band" (by John Lennon and Paul McCartney). that is the full extent of the character study. In the rest of the show,
The seventies brought "Alone Again (Naturally)" (by Gilbert O'Sul- you will view little intimacyand a lot of togetherness.
livan), "Lonely Night" (by Neil Sedaka), and "Lonely People" (by Dan Of all possible relationships, television emphasizes families.
Peek). In the eighties we heard Bill Oshan's "Love Zone", in which Worse yet, in spite of some recent innovations, it often portrays the
we were advised that we never have to be strangers "out there traditional family. Even nonfamily shows create fictional family
alone." groups that give enormously unrealistic amounts of personal support
Newly separated individuals, especially, should avoid listening to and empathy to their members. "Hill Street Blues," "M*A*S*H," and
these kinds of lyrics. They only echo and reinforce the sadness of lost "Cheers" are recent popular examples that create incredibly feed-
love. Song lyrics seldom evoke the positive feelings of freedom, back-rich interpersonal environments. These fairy tales, pleasant as
power, and creativity that can be experienced alone. A major theme they are, play to the American dream of community and family.
in popular musicthe advice that finding a new love is the best People who are alone are excluded from the fantasyland. Usu-
answer for one's unhappinessis itself a loneliness trap. ally, they are not even portrayed. It is as though they do not exist.
The erroneous belief that being alone is basically unhealthy and un-
At the center of the popular culture is the great seducer, televi- worthy is supported by such programs. If you are alone, television
sion. The average household watches television more than forty-five programs certainly will not strengthen your belief in positive solitude,
hours a week, during which time you will see just about everything and they may actually weaken your positive self-image.
except positive solitude. Television naturally emphasizes exciting In addition to its deemphasis on meaning and its lauding of
sights and soundsaction, dialogue, interesting facial expressions, togetherness, television is a loneliness trap in yet another way. Many
and interpersonal conflict. It seldom delves into the meanings and of us believe that television relaxes us, but this is again one of those
thoughts behind the images. It emphasizes action over substance. Yet seductive partial truths. Relative to other activities you might choose,
relating to the substance of lifeto our personal philosophy, emo- watching television is actually stimulating. It is, in fact, designed to
tions, and intellectis essential to positive solitude. On television we be stimulating. Its fast-paced programming is created to keep you
seldom see a character alonewalking alone along a hillside, for awake and focused for the next high-energy commercial. Viewers are
example, or contemplating life alone with a pleasant cup of tea. constantly stimulated with engaging sounds and visuals, with sex and
Since visible acts, not thoughts, are its medium, television is violence. Watching television may be more relaxing than driving in
hampered in its examination of character. Yet it is thoughtsone's rush hour, but that is about the extent of its charms.
own impressions, sensations, analyses, and meaningsthat the per- If you are alone, do not think of television as a relaxant. It is
son alone lives with the most. You will not learn how to manage your much more relaxing to read a newspaper at your own pace. It is much
ideas better from watching television, and, in fact, you are likely to more relaxing to take a walk. The ability to find peace is a prime
find that television has distracted you from doing so. Television benefit of being alone. Television does not bring you peace, and it may
dramatizes human interaction, not human contemplation. leave you with a high level of stimulationstimulation that goes
Casually flipping on the "tube" propels you into a relationship unresolved. Most television is a distraction, rather than a fulfillment.
fantasyland. In police dramas you see the police sharing the action on Ultimately, it will leave you with a feeling of anxiety and a sense of
their beat, not one cop's lonely struggle to make sense of the crass emptiness.
world around him. In the soap operas you may encounter a moment Escaping this loneliness trap means at least flipping the dial. You
of silence, often at the end of a scene, when the camera focuses on cannot expect to find television programs that model positive soli-
an individual's momentary expression of puzzlement or anger, but tude, but neither do you have to subject yourself to the fantasies of
30 EXPLORING POSITIVE SOLITUDE AVOIDING THE LONELINESS TRAPS 31

togetherness and the commercial stimulation. It may be best to watch personal growth seminar. As I walked into the room of several hun-
other types of programs, such as nature and news programs. Indeed, dred people, I was greeted warmly by name by several exceptionally
it may be that some of the recent popularity of these types of pro- attractive "helpers" who had never met me. When I sat down, the
grams can be attributed to the fact that today there are more people people on either side of me greeted me and went out of their way to
who are alone to watch them. Intuitively, many people who are alone get to know me. Wow! I thought. This beats your typical cold confer-
may have figured out how to choose programs that are more nurtur- ence.
ing of their emotional and intellectual well-being. Throughout the evening, we were given exercises that encour-
Finally, you should be careful about filling the feedback gap with aged us to reveal our personal lives and to give others strokes for
certain types of popular reading material. If you are newly alone, you revealing theirs. People got up in front of the group and gave moving
should be sensitive to the fact that what you happen to pick up may testimonials of how this network of supportive folks had helped them
significantly affect your mood. As I mentioned earlier, many of the through an illness or to get a better job or to meet a mate.
academic and self-help books on the subject of aloneness inadver- At first introduction, such "families" seem even better than do
tently contribute to this loneliness trap. Having taken the view that real families because their members are either trained or socialized
loneliness is a problem to be solved, they seldom come up with to pay intense attention to each other. But the helpers are indeed
holistic, realistic solutions. Some of the more entertaining types of trained, the participants are indeed socialized, and outside these
reading will also be unhelpful now. The romance novel that you found groups you will rarely find people who act the same way. The atten-
entertaining before may be discouraging. Love poetry will not be tion feels wonderful, but it is short-lived. The friendship networks are
uplifting. Search instead for reading that will enhance your interests, not self-sustaining away from the group meetings. People are not
your ideas, and your self-actualization alone. encouraged to focus on building networks, let alone psychological
self-sufficiency, outside the groupand, of course, to come to the
group costs money, often hundreds of dollars per event. The trainers
Seductive Groups are becoming rich, the participants high but dependent.
Loneliness Trap 5 is falling into feedback-rich environments that Unfortunately, all too often these new groups of "friends" are
fill the feedback gap quickly and fully, but that do not foster self- emotionally and financially exploiting. These so-called self-improve-
understanding and self-sufficiency over the long term. The classic ment groups succeed because they fill their clients' feedback gaps.
example of this trap is the seductive religious cult that makes people Whatever the actual content of a group's program, the feedback plan
feel totally accepted. Such groups work to fill the feedback gap per- 's the same. Intimacy is fostered through exercises done in small
fectly and fully. They have even been known to enlarge a person's groups. The types of questions that are asked encourage people to
feedback gap deliberatelyinitially to deprive a person, for example, Pen up to one another, right away, as they never would on their own,
f
of adequate nutritionso they may then fill the feedback gap even r example, on a first or second date. A norm is established that
more completely with both physical and spiritual "nurturing." This allows strangers to talk freely with each other. You feel more wel-
practice puts people under their control, instead of enhancing peo- come in this kind of group than in more natural settings. You get
ple's self-control. Positive feedback right away that you are okay or creative or smart.
u
Some popular "support" groups are similarly seductive to peo- ften friendship networks are encouraged outside the formal ses-
Sl
ple in need of feedback. Such feedback-false environments are usually ns to keep the feedback gap filled until the next meeting. But the
group activities that are organized by nonprofessionals as self-help Redback gap is filled only by the meetings and by the networks
as
groups. Some years ago, I attended a session of a widely known sociated with them. When you stop attendingwhen you stop
32 EXPLORING POSITIVE SOLITUDE AVOIDING THE LONELINESS TRAPS 33

paying or working to attendthe feedback stops. You walk awa responsible. It is only later that disillusionment sets in, sometimes
mystified and disappointed. You have spent a lot of money and hav initiated by deprogramming experts hired by concerned friends or
learned little about how to fill the feedback gap in real life. parents. Eventually, the converts will understand that their entire
Group therapy, when done poorly, is another example of this lives have been structured for them, including most of their beliefs,
type of trap. In bad therapy a client's chronic dependence is rein activities, and relationships. They may figure out that their feedback
forced, rather than changed, by the therapist. Typically, a therapis gap has been completely filled for them, but some instinct tells them
provides a nurturing, supportive atmosphere for any client who is no that it has not been filled with their true self. Eventually, many people
able to find such emotional satisfactions in the outside world. Grou sense their own powerlessness in such groups. They realize that they
therapy can be especially powerful. Since the client's feedback gap i want to exercise their free choice. With this choice, of course, comes
filled, he or she feels better. A reputable therapist will use thi~ the responsibility for filling the feedback gap with a special plan
supportive climate to help the client become emotionally secure an designed by and for the individual who is alone, and they must find
independent of the therapy. Yet when the therapist does not promot the courage to face this reality.
the clients' independence, often the clients do not understand tha
they are not getting what they are paying for. They do not realize,
especially early on, that they need change instead of contentment, The Singles Scene
that this change is often uncomfortable, and that it is the therapist' When feelings of loneliness persist, you may decide to "circu-
responsibility to foster this change. Unfortunately, clients sometime late," thus falling into Loneliness Trap 6. You may do so because your
stay in therapy for years under these conditions. friends tell you to or because you believe others are doing it. What-
Feedback-rich environments attract people who are alone and ever the reason, you attempt to "get out more." You plunge into the
lonely, especially among the young. In these groups, large amounts singles scene, take courses for singles, enroll in sports clubs, join
of personal attention are given freely. Mutual goals and shared mean- Parents without Partners, sign up for a dating service, and may even
ings bind people together. Sometimes life in a group is structured attend singles' nights at the grocery store.
around communal activities. If the lives of young people were previ- For many, the singles scene is emotionally enervating. You may
ously filled primarily with punishment or meaninglessness or neglect, fail to connect with others, and you are likely to interpret this failure
it is not surprising that the groups exert a powerful influence on them. as a confirmation of your personal weakness. You believe the failure
The young people may feel secure and fulfilled in them for the first is your own, certainly not the fault of the system. Yet there is evi-
time in their lives. The feedback gap is constantly filled for them. dence that social systems that are explicitly designed to bring lonely
Extremely satisfying for some period of time, feedback-rich People together often fail.
groups are a particularly binding sort of loneliness trap. They seldom There are several reasons why the singles scene fosters failures.
encourage individual understanding of their feedback-intensive na- F
or one thing, such systems are unnatural, and their members sense
ture. "I was alone and then I was filled" says the convert. True, but ll
- Often the "real" goal of these eventsto meet someone to love
the convert has had the feedback gap filled by others. The convert 's incompatible with the stated goal of having fun. Many of the events
has given up self-control. He or she has not experienced the control n the singles scene are appropriate for children and adolescents, but
and satisfaction that self-fulfillmentliterally self-filling of the feed- adults expect more from a relationship than a good dancer or a
back gapcan bring. v
Heyball partner. So mature individuals find that many singles events
fe
To their converts, members of the cults initially seem loving and el superficial. Adults prefer to see potential partners in broader
34 EXPLORING POSITIVE SOLITUDE AVOIDING THE LONELINESS TRAPS 35

contexts before connecting with them. They consciously or uncon These and other loneliness traps surround you every day, in
sciously devalue the people they meet at groups that are designed as many settings. In the face of these traps and a society that continues
meeting places. to set them for the unwary, achieving positive solitude will be a
Another problem is that not everyone connects easily at singles challenge. Recognizing the loneliness traps is an important step. Only
events. The wallflower syndrome is not limited to adolescents. At by understanding our cultural conditioning can we stop being feed-
events for adults, it merely becomes a bit more subtle. The adoles- back junkies and start being feedback managers.
cent worry, "Will I be asked to dance?" or "Will she want to dance
with me?" becomes "Will I connect?" in adulthood. People of any age
experience the same responsibility for extending themselves and the
same risks of rejection. In adulthood, however, the stakes are higher.
The adolescent's stake is a dance or a date; the adult's stake is a lover
or a partner. Although the climate of a singles group is generally
engineered by its sponsors to be positive, this hail-fellow-well-met
atmosphere is only a facade. What is really happening are tension,
selection, and rejection: You put yourself on the line.
Psychiatrist Robert Weiss points out that although the singles
scene produces dates and involvement, the resulting relationships are
shallow and fragile because there is little basis in them for building
trust. Someone you meet at a singles event is not likely to share your
values and deep interests to a sufficient extent to build a strong
relationship. You may have a few extended conversations, but not
much beyond that. Someone introduced by friends at least shares
important ties with you, while someone met by chance could be from
literally anywhere. This, then, is the risk of the singles scene: If each
new relationship brings loss or failure, a pattern of demoralizing
short-term meetings and relationships develops.
A major factor on the singles scene is the loneliness industry.]
Entrepreneurs today are making a great deal of money as the adminis-
trators of singles activities. Revenues from dating services, to point
to only one part of this industry, have grown enormously in recent
years. People also make a lot of money running sports clubs, singles
promotions, and singles magazines, yet there is scant evidence to
support the contention that people can establish intimate relation-
ships through these means. Because of the money to be made, such
institutions will be with us for the foreseeable future. While they may
be of some value, any of their promises for introducing you to inti-
mate relationships must be approached warily.
 3
Steps to Achieving
Positive Solitude
Only he who has an impenetrable center is himself free.
Only he who is alone can claim to be a man.
PAUL TILLICH, "Loneliness and Solitude"

Instead of filling the feedback gap with entertainments like tele-

vision and music, instead of attempting to fill it with new people, the
alternative is to fill the feedback gap with your self. You do not need
to give up entertainment and socializing, but you do need to learn that
you can do a great deal to fill the feedback gap with your individual
pleasures and interests.
You can learn to provide your own feedback for a satisfying,
unique, and joyful life. You can build a positive mental and emotional
life around your own thoughts, sensations, and explorations. You can
choose environmental feedback that enhances, rather than detracts
from, your self-support. All these approaches add up to giving more
self-feedback than you have been used to giving and giving more
self-feedback than society has taught you to give. Applying these
38 EXPLORING POSITIVE SOLITUDE STEPS TO ACHIEVING POSITIVE SOLITUDE 39

ideas means taking more control of the feedback available to yo. guidelines to the ongoing, complicated process of learning positive
every day in your life. solitude. The three phases are awareness, change, and exploration.
You escape the loneliness traps first by recognizing them an In the awareness phase, you recognize your counterproductive
then by choosing a different path. When you are alone, perhaps conditioning about being alone and you become interested in finding
recently disconnected from an important and habitual source of feed- an alternative. Anyone who has read thus far in Part I and who has
back, you will choose not to reconnect with the world in ways that begun to apply these new ideas in his or her own thinking is well into
are only habitual and convenient. Instead, you will carefully consider this phase. In the second, or change phase, you identify your personal
how to fill the feedback gap in personally meaningful and nourishing feedback gaps and learn how to fill these gaps with thoughts and
ways. activities that build your sense of positive solitude. Part II discusses
Avoiding the loneliness traps and learning a different way of the various places in your life in which feedback gaps are likely to
living are skills. You have already been taught how to feel lonely. Now occur and suggests healthful ways to fill your life. In the third phase
it is time to learn how to be alone. of your learning, your increasing ability to experience positive soli-
Positive solitude first requires a full analysis of your personal tude develops into a unique personal exploration. You build a philoso-
feedback systems. Researchers have discovered that most people try phy of solitude. In Part III, you will learn how to meet both the
to cope with loneliness by adopting fairly haphazard strategies. Many challenge of maintaining positive solitude in the face of many pres-
do nothing much but sleep, sit and think, cry, or watch television. sures to discontinue it and the challenge of seeking new, highly
They feel helpless and sad. They tend to overeat, to take tranquiliz- personal ways of being alone.
ers, or to drink or use other drugs. Others try to keep busy. They
read books and magazines, they study or work, they exercise or take
Phase 1: Awareness
up a hobby. Some develop the habit of shopping and spending money.
Others turn to religion, while still others go on a perpetual search, At one time or another, each of us has heard the advice that you
constantly going to movies, plays, or concerts or taking drives. And should not marry or take up a new partner on the rebound. Friends
some seek out people. They may call friends or visit someone. They often give this advice to you when you are newly separated and
go to places where friends are likely to be. They arrange particularly emotionally vulnerable. They fear you will take on a new partner who
intimate contacts, like being with a close friend or talking to that is not a good match. They fear that unless you undergo a period of
friend about their feelings. self-examination, you may repeat the same mistakes you made in your
Most of these typical responses will work only up to a point. first marriage. If truth were told, you would probably agree with
Adopting simple solutions can lead to addictive behaviorsaddictive them. You know that getting into a new relationship when you are
drugs, addictive religion, addictive shopping. Certainly, no one re- emotionally vulnerable without examining the old, failed one is sel-
sponse alone will be effective for long. Even pursuing several of them dom wise. Yet, this advice we hear and give ourselves is of limited
at once is most likely to fill the feedback gap temporarily without usefulness because it tells us primarily what not to do. What we
really satisfying you. Instead your approach to filling the feedback gap should do instead of marrying on the rebound is seldom explained.
Un
must be systematic. It must lead to a full and balanced way of livin e paradoxically creative thing to do is to spend time alone, to
re
and, in the end, it must put meaning into your life. flect, and to work on becoming independent while alone. In short,
w
Positive solitude must be learned over time, and basically ther hat you should do instead of jumping into a bad relationship is to
are three phases you pass through to acquire it. These phases are n rk toward understanding and practicing positive solitude.
discrete and irrevocably sequential. You should think of them a Your awareness of positive solitude can be broadened and deep-
40 EXPLORING POSITIVE SOLITUDE STEPS TO ACHIEVING POSITIVE SOLITUDE 41

ened in several ways. Of course, you must be constantly sensitive t formal resources like counseling and churches, as their main coping
loneliness traps that distract you from pursuing positive solitude. You mechanism. They use their inner resources both to define their new
should recognize that we set loneliness traps for ourselves through situation and to incorporate their good memories into their new lives.
personal habits that go unexamined. Maybe you are addicted to those Such people can be unique sources of individual wisdom for those of
romantic afternoon soap operas. Maybe you spend too much time us who are learning positive solitude.
playing cutthroat tennis. Every so often you should make an inven- We all need to be sensitive to our use of language. The accident
tory of your habits and decide which are still really meaningful to you. of being a native speaker of English shapes our thoughts in particular
Having a couple of drinks with co-workers before you go home ma ways. Philosopher Paul Tillich wrote that, "the wisdom of our lan-
improve social relations on the job, but doing so every day may simply guage has sensed . . . two sides of man's being alone. It has created
be a physically unhealthy habit. Reading the sports section cover to the word 'loneliness' in order to emphasize the pain of being alone.
cover is an unhealthy habit if it is driving out your actual participation And it has created the word 'solitude' in order to emphasize the glory
in sports. Habitually socializing with people who you do not particu of being alone. In daily life these words are not always distinguished;
larly care about can reduce your self-esteem and lead to feelings o but we should do so consistently, thus deepening the understanding
boredom and loneliness. of our human predicament."1 There is much truth in this statement,
At the same time, it is useful to increase your exposure to people though I do not believe that today even the word solitude itself fully
who model positive solitude. Often these models can be found describes the positive aspects of being alone. Solitude is really an
through reading. In addition to the authors and books I have already old-fashioned word. If you say to people "I prefer my solitude,"
mentioned, Liv Ullmann's book Changing and Anne Morrow Lind- chances are they will be offended, at the least, by the stuffy tone of
berg's book A Gift from the Sea describe the authors' impressiv your remark. Worse, they are likely to misinterpret your remark to
personal growth through time spent alone. Thomas Merton has writ- mean, "I don't like people."
ten extensively about the spiritual contexts of solitude. Being alone To come out and say "I lead a solitary life" will connote unhappi-
is a frequent theme in Doris Lessing's realist novels, and Le Anne ness rather than contentment to most people. It is somewhat more
Schreiber has written a powerful book on loss and solitude entitled socially acceptable to say, "I want to be alone" because usually the
Midstream. receiver of this message will assume that the aloneness you seek will
You also can learn a lot from talking with older people. In addi be temporary, and most people will accept such a temporary wish on
tion to spending much time alone, older people remember the e your part. But asserting that you want to be alone much of the time
before television and even the era before radio. What did they do for the foreseeable future is quite a different matter. This desire is
then, before the media could be used to fill their time? My father likely to elicit reactions of disbelief or condemnation. Yet, both short-
remembers as a young man spending hours in the window seat read- term and long-term periods of solitude may be desirable, though our
ing books. He recalls waiting at night"seriously waiting," as he puts society is not accustomed to accepting both these ways of living.
itfor his father to come home with the newspaper. He developed Ideally, we should create a new set of terms that describe the
definite personal interests, a strong sense of self. Positive state of being alone. Currently, our language is certainly
Among your friends there are probably some people who ar umited. Most of the words and ideas associated with aloneness are
alone a great deal and who seem to profit from it. Widows and negative: loneliness, isolation, withdrawal, desolation, reclusion, exile,
widowers who have coped well may be an especially fine source of jorlornness, aloofness, unsociability, companionlessness. Being called
a
such wisdom. Research has pointed out that widows who are succes hermit or a monk is hardly flattering. Among the few English words
ful alone have used themselves, rather than their families, friends, n this topic with positive denotations, there is none that simply
 STEPS TO ACHIEVING POSITIVE SOLITUDE 43
42 EXPLORING POSITIVE SOLITUDE

describes being alone as a positive thing without the addition of some When you are alone, you may find that you wonder about how
negative connotations. Even unique implies different, and in a social to satisfy your sensual desires, build traditions into your life, and find
context being different usually means exclusion. Seclusion is sonr laughter.
what positive in that it means a quiet retreat, but the implication of Your work, at which you spend so much of your time, is also a
the word in context is usually that this mode of living is temporary: likely place to discover feedback gaps. Look especially at relation-
"After his death, she went into seclusion." ships with co-workers and bosses and at the feedback you get from
Other words simply do not capture the power and joy that can the work that you do.
exist in being alone. Quiet and private are words that connote pleas- At the same time, you should keep records of your good times.
antness, but they do not capture the creativity and excitement that What do you do that fills your lifeeven momentarilywith joy,
are possible when you are alone. Unity, oneness, and identity are also peace, or meaning?
limited terms. Self-sufficiency, individuality, and harmony are all sep- Having recognized the feedback gaps, you must figure out ways
arate aspects of the positive side of being alone. Positive solitude is to fill them with more positive experiences. You must eliminate the
more than any one of these aspects. It is a plan that describes an painful and definitely harmful ways in which you fill the feedback
entire process, and it is a view of the world. If you can habitually think gapssuch as excessive drinking or drugsand you must find ways
"positive" when you think about solitude, you will have come a long to eliminate the dull and the merely habitual. As you become more
way toward combating the social pressure toward loneliness. expert at filling the feedback gaps with positive feedback, you will
discover that the negative feedback will be crowded out of your life.
Filling the feedback gap with positives requires recognizing what
Phase 2: Change you truly like and need. Although this statement may seem obvious,
Changing your behavior requires a detailed self-examination and it is not a simple task. In our busy lives, routine often leaves little time
an understanding of the direction you wish to take. To some extent, for being sensitive to our desires and goals. One way to help yourself
this process is personal. No one can dictate what will be meaningful out of this dilemma is to take time out to remember what you used
to like. What were your consistently favorite activities as a child? As
or pleasurable for another unique human being, especially when that
an adolescent? As an adult, whenever you have not been preoccupied
person is alone. The ideas I present in this book should be seen as
with work or school or family, what have you chosen to do?
guidelines and checklists of possibilities to which you should inject
It often helps, too, to retreat to some quiet place, preferably for
your own thoughts, ideas, and beliefs.
several days, and to allow yourself simply to feelto experience how
Inventory the times when you are alone and feel bored, tired,
your body feels when you are really rested, to note your physical
hostile, or excludedin general, when you feel lonely. These are
tensions, to explore the world with your senses. Often in this solitude
times in which the feedback gap might be more profitably filled. The
you will be reminded of what is most important to you.
worst times are when the feedback gap opens suddenly or drastically,
Books like Richard Bolles's The Three Boxes of Life and Sidney
as when a spouse dies or a divorce occurs. During these times, the
Simon's Values Clarification provide detailed discussions of and exer-
gap looms largest. Many aspects of your daily life are affected, and Cls
es on how to get in touch with your past and with your emotions
your emotional security is threatened. an n
w to reestablish your priorities. Psychotherapy can also help
Less easy to recognize will be the feedback gap that occurs when
"u to get in touch with emotional, intellectual, and sensual needs.
you are pressured to become part of a couple or to be together with In general, you will want to fill the feedback gap with activities
others: When you are unable or unwilling to join with others, you may thoughts that are in some combination meaningful, healthful, and
feel guilty, excluded, or frustrated.
44 EXPLORING POSITIVE SOLITUDE STEPS TO ACHIEVING POSITIVE SOLITUDE 45

pleasurable. The time orientation of these activities may be presen sonal reinforcement and encouragement for your continued work
past, or future as long as the activities are not negative. Activities that toward positive solitude may be useful.
you are doing now, to fulfill your sensuality or curiosity are obviou- Also, self-nurturing is especially important at these times. You
feedback-gap fillers. Take hours or a day off just to explore all you should treat your mind and body especially welleat healthy foods,
senses, as a two-year-old might. Pick up that hobby you meant t get enough sleep, and exercise. It is all right to hide out a bit from
explore years ago. Pleasant memories can also be drawn upon to fill I the cares of the daily world: Come back to it with a renewed experi-
the feedback gap, as can hopes or plans for the future. Reflect on what ence of your self.
you have accomplished in life and on what you want to accomplish. Concentrate on positive and encouraging thoughts about your-
The pleasure of following traditions is often particularly powerful and self and your efforts. Seeking information on behavioral self-manage-
meaningful because traditions span the past, present, and future. ment through reading or therapy may be useful and, in some cases,
Observe them and create new ones as an investment in future memo-1
necessary. Notice little changessuch as any happiness experienced
ries.
when aloneand take credit for them. When you are under the stress
Figuring out your feedback gaps, avoiding the loneliness traps, of change, some regression to familiar and comforting ways, often
and choosing meaningful, healthful, and pleasurable feedback require I from childhood, is normal and useful. You should always give yourself
patience and some faith. They require patience because all this self- permission to be less than perfect and to stop trying so hard.
analysis takes time. When you are aiming for positive solitude, yoM
are doing nothing less than reexamining your lifeyour bad and good
feelings, your habits and behaviors, the meaning of life to you. Accept- Phase 3: Exploration
ance of being alone should not be enough; your goals are full enjoy
ment and control of your solitude. For most of us, being alone an The experience of change is often described as the process of
content with that status is truly a mode that must be learned. A unfreezing old behaviors, learning and adapting new behaviors, and
though you may be committed to the goal of positive solitude, achie then refreezing your behaviors in the new patterns that you have
ing it will take time. You are getting into psychological and spiritu learned. For people who are learning positive solitude, I think this
shape, and it won't happen overnight. process might better be described as first, unfreezing behavior; sec-
ond, changing behavior; and then, as in a spring thaw, letting behavior
Have faith, because there will be some false starts and failure
You must resolve to keep tinkering with your feedback systems un' flow, for the third phase of positive solitude is not a phase in which
some positive results are reached, and then you must be willing t a behavior that has been learned is now simply practiced; it is a
build on these results. Anyone will adjust to being alone if giv creative, fluid phase. When you are ready to enter the third phase,
enough time, but mere adjustment is not what you seek. You are n you have a well-developed sense of the loneliness traps, both social
looking merely for solitude. Your goal is positive solitude. and personal, and you have done a great deal of work to fill your own
In disconnecting from old ways, you may feel uncomfortable f feedback gap with positive solitude. In the exploration stage, the
st
a while. You may find yourself feeling annoyed, or frustrated, age in which you have evolved into positive solitude, you are com-
discouraged. It is normal to do so. Change is usually emotion fortable being alone all or almost all the time. Your life now becomes
an
disruptive. However, instead of bowing to that discomfort and alio exploration of yourselfyourself alone, yourself in context with
ing yourself to reconnect through old habits (such as getting coupl others, yourself in relation to the spiritual, yourself in relation to art,
an s
again, for instance, when you have recently divorced), find a way " o on. The fascinating part about this stage is that only you can
e
manage the discomfort and to continue to change. Building in p termine exactly what your exploration will be. I can only suggest
46 EXPLORING POSITIVE SOLITUDE STEPS TO ACHIEVING POSITIVE SOLITUDE 47

that if you are truly practicing positive solitude, it will be exciting, an part of life: You own time. A mental space opens up in your life for
you will be in love with yourself and with life. your own exploring and learning, your own being and becoming. In
Of course, the three phases in the development of positive this space you may even find wisdom.
solitude overlap. As you change your behaviors, new awareness will
surface. Exploring includes changing. Moreover, though positive soli-
tude is not a temporary way station and its principles should be Notes
carried on throughout life, most people will choose to counterpoise 1. Paul Tillich, "Loneliness and Solitude," in Joseph Hartog, J. Ralph Audy,
positive solitude with some involvement in relationships. You must and Yehudi Cohen, eds., The Anatomy of Loneliness (New York: International
learn to manage your solitude in the context of society. Universities Press, 1980), 549.
In my work as a psychologist, I am frequently reminded of the 2. M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Travelled (New York: Simon & Schuster,
1978), 15.
striking and challenging way M. Scott Peck opened his fine book, The
3. Michel de Montaigne, "Of Solitude," The Complete Essays of Montaigne
Road Less Traveled. "Life is difficult," Peck wrote. "Life is a series
(Stanford, Calif.: Stanford University Press, 1948), 176.
of problems. Do we want to moan about them or solve them?"2 I
believe that positive solitude is one important solution to life's prob-
lems. But designing a happy life alone is a challenge. Daily feedback
does not happen automatically. No child will cry for your attention.
No spouse will bustle around the house or suggest going out to a
movie. No roommate will be there to talk to. Spontaneous activities
initiated by others simply will not be available to fill the hours of your
day. People who are alone must take sole responsibility for thinking
about, planning, and initiating their daily activities.
Aloneness is real and must be attended to. The feedback gap is
real and must be filled. Being alone successfully rarely occurs without
a self-conscious effort. Without the desire and ability to reflect on
your daily life and on your behavior, old patterns of behavior will
prevail.
There are some risks in pursuing positive solitude. Other people
may not understand. They may reject or ridicule you. It is even
possible that while you are alone you will fail. In his famous essay on
solitude, Michel de Montaigne recounted an anecdote about one per-
son's failure to be alone: It had been pointed out to Socrates that a
certain man had learned nothing from his many travels, and Socrates
replied, "I should think not. He took himself along with him."3
Yet the small risk of failure is worth the reward. To be alone,
and to be content with that aloneness, is to be powerful. It is to be
creative. To discover that you are an interesting person is like receiv-
ing a wonderful gift. When you are alone, you own a most precious
 4
Being Alone
in America
What a lovely surprise to discover
how unlonely being alone can be.
ELLEN BURSTYN, actress

What is the difference between people who are alone and lonely
and people who are alone and happy?
All people who are alone spend many hours by themselves. After
work they find that they have a totally free evening. They wake up
on a Saturday morning and see ahead of them days of being alone.
They have no one in particular with whom to spend an upcoming
vacation. Some people can deal positively with these circumstances,
while others find themselves being depressed. Some will look for-
ward to their time alone; they fill their hours with productivity, happi-
ne
ss, and hopefulness. Others anticipate that these times of being
alone will be difficult for them. They expect to be unhappy during
tne
se times, so they dread them. They will spend their time alone in
bor
edom, in depression, or even in despair.
What is the difference between people whose time alone is
52 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF
BEING ALONE IN AMERICA 53

terrible for them and people whose aloneness is satisfying and even oressure of others' presence, the relief of a closed door, the sanctu-
joyful? Is it inevitable that some people will dread being alone while ary of his own room."1 American children have learned that being
others will actually look forward to it? alone is to be avoided. In contrast, in cultures where young children
We can answer these questions by reflecting on the experienc spend less time alone, they do not learn that being alone is to be
of being alone that occur to most people over their lifetimes. In on endured and escaped. Children who have had the nurturing of exten-
way or another, these experiences tend to be negative, especially f<) sive positive togetherness may be more open to learning that alone-
Americans, from childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. As a general ness, too, can be a positive experience. Ironically, because they have
rule, in our society positive solitude is seldom taught, whereas not been taught that togetherness is the ultimate reward, later in life
dislike of being alone and the "need" to be with others are nurture they may actually be more open to alternative experiences, including
early on. the experience of being alone.
Of course, the effects on later life of these events experienced
What Children Learn About Being Alone in infancy are debatable. We can only speculate on them. When babies
become toddlers and young children, however, their experiences
All normal infants feel strong, even terrifying anxiety when th alone are more obviously formative. This is a crucial time for children
are separated from their mothers. In many cultures mothers earn to experience being aloneto think their own thoughts; to explore
their babies with them during the day and rock and sing them to slee their own creativity; to experience sensations that are uniquely
at night. The infants are seldom separated from their mothers, theirs; and, most important, to realize that they can be happy when
constant togetherness that continues well into toddlerhood. In the alone. Early childhood, when time is unstructured by schooling, is an
North American culture, in contrast, we have different practices important opportunity for developing a positive attitude toward being
Eventually, and fairly early, we deliberately leave our children alone alone.
in their rooms. Often our well-meaning goal in leaving them alone is
Yet most children today have little opportunity to learn anything
to help them learn how to cope with being alone. Though our inten-
resembling the child's version of positive solitude. Increasingly, chil-
tions may be good, the outcome of this standard practice is debatable.
dren's time and minds are filled with external preoccupations: televi-
The very young and frightened child may not be able to "benefit"
sion, extravagant toys, and all the stimulations to be found in day-care
from his time alone in the way the parents intend. Usually, he does
environments. Increasingly, education begins at earlier ages, and
not have the capacity to spend the time alone in the peaceful
parents, eager to give their children an educational edge in a competi-
creative exploration the parents hope for. Rather, he may spend hi
tive world, structure their children's hours with educational play. The
time alone at best in unhappiness and at worst in anger and in fear.
children are often urged to engage in social activities as well. Yet in
If the child learns to be "good" when alone, by which we mean th)
terms of helping them to be emotionally independent human beings,
he does not cry or fuss to be picked up, he is rewarded by be
^ this activity is unfortunate. As one expert put it, "The love of
allowed to be with his parents. But being good is not the same
aloneness cannot grow up amid the confusing turmoil of incoherent
being content. The baby who is left alone may get the idea that be S1
ghts and sounds. Neither love of men nor love of God can take deep
alone is a time merely to be endured, while being with others i r
ot in a child who does not know aloneness."2 The result of constant
valued reward. As Margaret Mead pointed out, "[the American c bu
syness is that children learn to distrust solitary occupations as
learns to tolerate loneliness in order to enjoy approval the rest of
being wasteful and inefficient, if not actually sinful.3 Early and pre-
time. Not for him the search for some place away from the continu l0
us opportunities to learn how to be alone, probably always some-
54 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF BEING ALONE IN AMERICA 55

what neglected by busy parents, are less nurtured today than ever :s embarrassed not only in front of peers but in front of family
before. The result, for American children, is the beginning of what members, who expect a child to develop a "normal" pattern of friend-
comes to be called loneliness. ships through a social group. Add to this influence the fact that the
Even if parents succeed in giving their children enough unstruc- teenager's media, especially music, emphasize romance and love and
tured time alone, they often communicate to their children that being tjjeir counterparts, lost love and loneliness. Teenagers are certainly
alone is frightening, unsafe, and socially unacceptable. If the child is not encouraged to build self-esteem through positive solitude! It is no
very young, the parent will directly communicate the realistic mes- wonder that, reflecting the society around him, the rejected teenager
sage that "I can't leave you alone." At some level, the child inevitably mourns, "I feel lonely, terribly lonely."
interprets this message as, "I can't be left alone; I am incapable" (or American dating patterns that encourage early heterosexual cou-
vulnerable, and so on). Later, as the parent tries to encourage the pling also threaten the development of positive solitude experiences.
child to be independent, the parent may unthinkingly say something In recent decades, American young people have moved away from
like, "You're not afraid to be alone, are you?" or "Are you sure you'll the tradition of building deep friendships with same-sex friends during
be all right alone?" Of this question the child may think, "Am I old adolescence. Instead they have dated one on one at ever earlier ages.
enough to be alone or not? Is there something to be frightened of Yet the former pattern of building same-sex relationships was emo-
when I am alone?" The parent of a teenager may be reluctant to hint tionally useful. It helped the child to learn independence and to gain
that the child may feel uncomfortable alone and so, instead of address- a sense of self before getting involved with the deep and complicated
ing the feelings, might say, "But what will you do here all alone by emotions attached to sex and love. Traditionally, best friends were
yourself?" The teenager may interpret this question as "I can't amuse soul mates. They were friends of the same sex, age, and beliefs. They
myself alone." And, of course, throughout childhood and adolescence, were friends to band up with against those "others"parents and
parents send a message when they send their children to their rooms societywho did not understand them. These relationships helped
alone as a punishment. the introspective adolescent to develop a truly independent sense of
Children also hear adults talking about adults who are alone, and self. This independence came, in part, from sharing thoughts with the
much of this talk is negative. "Such a pity; now he'll be left alone," same-sex soul mate, who could help the teenager in a nonau-
the parents will say of the divorced man. Or "She can't raise those thoritarian way to clarify his or her thoughts. The independence
kids alone!" or "She's moving to the city alone!" or "He's traveling came, too, from separating from each other and further developing
alone!" Given our habitual way of talking about being alone, if is not these thoughts in private. In this way, an adolescent grew emotionally
in the least surprising that children may feel bored, insecure, or and intellectually independent through the relationship. By emphasiz-
frightened when they are alone. wg an active social life and sexuality, today's early heterosexual
dating patterns have diminished this period of peer-supported per-
sonal adjustment. Today's teenagers define themselves as much in
Adolescent and Early Adult Experiences "elation to the opposite sex as in relation to their same sex. It is no
w
For the teenager, the issue of being alone is highlighted by the onder that the American teenager, with little encouragement or
emergence of strong peer groups. Now being alone may carry with opportunity to develop the sense of self, feels a lack of identity. Later
it the stigma that the person alone appears to have been rejected by "fe, many will report that this lack of meaning in their lives is a
Ce
the social group. Teenagers may be careful not to be seen alone. H ntral factor in their loneliness.
in truth they are not a member of a group, rejection causes powerful The fickleness of young love accentuates teenagers' feelings of
Xc
feelings. Their self-esteem is threatened. When alone, the teenager lusion, meaninglessness, and loneliness. The drama often unfolds
56 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF BEING ALONE IN AMERICA 57

like this: Suddenly in early adolescence, teenagers meet people of stay alone in the house for the weekend (not knowing how to be
opposite sex who want to spend time with them. This experience jj at home alone, the teenagers would, of course, fill the house with
flattering and it gives them new power. Now they can find love friends). Parents, peers, and the media have all taught us that being
outside their families. In addition, they discover the powerful emo alone is disagreeable. Perhaps it is also unhealthy, we think, and even
tions and sensations of sex. Early love affairs are almost alway unworthy. Society tells us, in a word, that being alone is the ultimate
short-lived however, and when they end, the loss of so many wonder- social disease.
ful new pleasures can be emotionally devastating for the teenagers. Though as adults we suffer under this conventional wisdom, we
In addition, there is a new kind of peer pressure. Since they are | seldom challenge it. The thought of going to dinner alone or going on
longer part of a couple, the teenagers' status in their peer group i vacation alone is uncomfortable. We tend to blame ourselves for
diminish. What do teenagers learn from these experiences? Hav being alone. We believe that we should nudge ourselves to get out
newly experienced love and sex and having been encouraged by the more. We may chide ourselves that being happy alone is simply not
friends, they come away believing that being part of a couple is in the genes. After all, we say to ourselves, anthropologists have
ideal state in life. Certainly, to them, being part of a couple seer informed us that to achieve safety, food, and sex, people have been
preferable to its depressing aftermathbeing miserable, outcast, | living in groups since primitive times. Why am I alone?
alone. As a society we also perpetuate myths that support the idea that
Unfortunately, turning people away from positive solitude do aloneness leads to loneliness. We continue, for example, to believe
not end with childhood and adolescence. Even in early adulthoo4 in the empty-nest syndromethe idea that women suffer a great deal
most Americans have a lifestyle that inhibits periods of being alo of loneliness when their children leave home. The truth is that most
After high school we may go to college and live with roommates, women find this period in their lives to be an exciting new beginning.
may go to work and share an apartment with others, or we We continue to believe that older people, who do spend more time
continue to live at home with our families. It is not usually until alone, are also lonelier, even though the research shows that loneli-
midtwenties or later that we may actually experience living alone, ness actually decreases with age.4
this time, though we have lived nearly a quarter of a century, we ha In the face of such pressures, we should not blame ourselves for
seldom experienced being alone for long periods. We may not e our conformity. Frankly, the social risks of doing anything else are
have spent a period of a few days by ourselves, let alone a few w large. Often a social stigma is placed on the person who chooses
months, or years. solitude. Such a person is known, not positively, as a "loner"as an
outcast and a deviant as much as an individualist. As the nineteenth-
century philosopher and writer Ralph Waldo Emerson sagely put it,
Adulthood: Conforming to Prevailing Beliefs Society, to be sure, does not like this [solitude] very well; it saith,
When we reach adulthood, it is not surprising that the beliefs Whoso goes to walk alone, accuses the whole world; he declares all
attitudes of most Americans reflect the negative experiences o be unfit to be his companions; it is very uncivil, nay insulting;
have had with solitude. We have developed the attitude that Society will retaliate."5
alone is bad and that it is to be avoided. Few of us have actually
taught how to be alone and like it. Few parents have paid more
lip service to the idea that their children should learn to face and
Choosing Positive Solitude
with their own boredom, and, on a more philosophical level, with What is most surprising is that some people are able to avoid all
own solitude. Few parents have actively encouraged their teena enforced togetherness. Some pioneering souls actually resist our
 BEING ALONE IN AMERICA 59
58 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF

society's pressure. They refuse to make the search for others, esp$. I was utterly alone with the sun and the earth. Lying down on the grass,
daily for "significant" others, the focus of their lives. Rather, the\ I spoke in my soul to the earth, the sun, the air, and the distant sea,
concentrate on improving their experiences alone. It is not that thes^ far beyond sight.... With all the intensity of feeling which exalted me,
all the intense communion I held with the earth, the sun and sky, the
people are resigned to being alone. It is that they are seeking a ne%
stars hidden by the light, with the ocean,in no manner can the
direction in their lives; they are actively and positively pursuing the
thrilling depth of these feelings be written,with these I played as if
pleasures and stabilities of solitude.
they were the keys of an instrument. The great sun, burning with light,
Eventually, I believe, many more of us will follow this lead. J,
the strong earth,dear earth,the warm sky, the pure air, the
spite of social pressures, an increasingly large proportion of single thought of ocean, the inexpressible beauty of all filled me with a rap-
people in this country are living alone by choice. In recent decadej, ture, an ecstasy. . . . I prayed. . . . The prayer, this soul-emotion, was
there has been a steady growth in the percentage of households it in itself, not for an object: it was a passion. I hid my face in the grass.
which people live alone, from 11 percent in 1956, to 16 percent I was wholly prostrated, I lost myself in the wrestle, I was rapt and
1966, to 21 percent in 1976.6 It is anticipated that the 1987 statis carried away. . . . Had any shepherd accidentally seen me lying on the
for American households consisting of one person24 percent turf, he would only have thought I was resting a few minutes. I made
grow to between 27 and 37 percent by the year 2000.7 A major rea no outward show. Who could have imagined the whirlwind of passion
for our independence is that in modern times the facts of sur ' that was going on in me as I reclined there!8
have changed. In Western societies today, we can live quite comf
ably and safely alone. Alone we can feed, clothe, house, and am Some people make being alone a habit that they intersperse into
ourselves not just adequately but well. Never in the history of otherwise socially busy lives. Here is a recent description by a woman
world have so many individuals had so much financial and phy who needs to spend significant amounts of time alone:
freedom to do with their lives exactly as they please.
Our psychology has not quite caught up with our new free I was an only child. I've been used to isolation and in fact, I enjoy my
This ability to live alone makes possible what amounts to a own company. I don't mean this egotistically, but I can be very happy
experiment, an experiment with lifestyles in which people explor with me and a book and something to do. Some people cannot stand
psychological and spiritual effects of living alone. All people who themselves, to be alone. I always had to have my own time. My
alone today are a part of this enormous and important social ex husband soon learned I needed time to be alone, away from him. Even
ment. Clearly, few of us have actually been taught by our par en as a child, I took off certain time for myself and time to get caught up
by society the psychological skills for being alone. For most of us with my own thinking. So I never felt I had to be with people. I enjoy
experiences in aloneness as teenagers and young adults have us my freedom.9
been inadequate or even harmful. Society continues to give us a
indications that we are on the wrong path. Yet despite this accul Other people have chosen to spend not just moments or hours,
bu
tion, many people who are alone persist in staying alone. They t major portions of their lives alone. They suggest that these
ex
many explanations for their choice. Periences, too, can be fulfilling as a lifestyle. In 1843 Emerson
For one thing, accounts from people who spend even short t observed of these people:
alone suggest that their experiences may be special. Sometimes
pie who are alone experience their environment with great inten hey repel influences; they shun general society; they incline to shut
They are most likely to do so in a relaxed situation that holds themselves in their chamber in the house, to live in the country rather
interruptions or distractions, like the following one: than in the town, and to find their tasks and amusements in solitude.
60 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF BEING ALONE IN AMERICA 61

... This retirement does not proceed from any whim on the part of these me that was heaven. Perhaps this isn't exactly what Solo is for, but
separators; but if any one will take pains to talk with them, he will fin(j that's how it affected me. The Outward Bound literature talks a lot
that this path is chosen both from temperament and from principle; with about personal growth. Well, I think 1 grew about ten feet during my
some unwillingness too, and as a choice of the less of two evils; for these Solo and 1 hope I stay that tall."12
persons are not by nature melancholy, sour and unsocial,they are not
stockish or brute,but joyous, susceptible, affectionate; they have even Another participant in the Solo (sounding very much like Henry David
more than others a great wish to be loved . . . They will own that love Thoreau) said:
seems to them the last and highest gift of nature; that there are persons
whom in their hearts they daily thank for existing,persons whose I built a shelter, inspected my little domain, contemplated the tides, the
faces are perhaps unknown to them, but whose fame and spirit have
sea birds, the changing skies Although 1 had pencil and paper along,
penetrated their solitude,and for whose sake they wish to exist..,.
I did no writing and no deep thinking. Afterwards, I realized that the
[These] are degrees on the scale of human happiness to which they have
value of Solo for me lay in taking a complete rest from the intense
ascended; and it is a fidelity to this sentiment which has made common
activity of my everyday life.13
association distasteful to them. They wish a just and even fellowship, or
none. . . . They say to themselves, It is better to be alone than in bad
A third participant commented simply: "I never knew how great it is
company They feel that they are never so fit for friendship as when
to be alone."14
they have quit mankind and taken themselves to friend.10
So positive solitude can be experienced momentarily, or it can
be a major part of your life. Just as people who experience positive
A notable contemporary seeker of positive solitude is May Sar-
solitude have found various paths to that experience, so they will find
ton. In her book Journal of a Solitude, Sarton described a year
different things when they get there. The experience of positive
which she was ending a love affair and finding what she called her
solitude is individual and unique. Some people will find solace and
"real life." She wrote, "I begin to have intimations, now, of a return
sanctuary. Others will find a renewed ability to concentrate. Others
to some deep self that has been too absorbed and too battered to
will discover spiritual peace. Still others will discover vigor and cre-
function for a long time. That self tells me that I was meant to livi
ativity. Though their common experience is positive solitude, the
alone, meant to write the poems for others Friends, even passion-:
outcome of their experiments with it will be unique to them as in-
ate love, are not my real life unless there is time alone in which to
dividuals.
explore and to discover what is happening or has happened." 11
Even a brief introduction to positive solitude may lead to major As fulfilling as solitude may be, it nevertheless brings its own
changes in one's lifestyle. A famous example is the experience called Problems. For example, people who have chosen to be alone for long
the Solo, which is offered within the international wilderness training Periods tell us that while solitude is wonderful in and of itself, it also
school Outward Bound. The Solo is an intensive time alone that varies creates a mode of being that is uncomfortable when one wants to
r
from half a day to several days, and for many participants of Outward eturn to society. Clearly, just as one may need to learn how to be
Bound, it is a unique and intense experience. As one participant "one, after being alone one may need to relearn how to live in
described it: society. One writer on solitude, J. Ralph Audy, a human ecologist,
Pent much time "alone" with tribesmen in Africa and Asia and alone
w
This was the first time in my entire life that I had been quite alone, >th Nature. Though he says he never felt lonely in either circum-
a
married young, had three kids right away. To be able to sleep whe nce, he notes that when he wanted to return to society, his experi-
enc
I wanted to, to shout and dance around, have no one dependent e alone had changed him:
62 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF BEING ALONE IN AMERICA 63

One dreams much of beer and sweet water in deserts. After perhaps
tfotes
an overdose of solitude during two years of Somaliland, I arrived in
Nairobi and escaped from my hotel in search of beer. On opening the 1. Margaret Mead, "Loneliness, Autonomy and Interdependence in Cul-
door to the bar in Torr's I saw a vast sea of faces, groups of close tural Context," in Joseph Hartog, J. Ralph Audy, and Yehudi Cohen, eds., The
friends laughing together, a babel of voices, both masculine and fright- Anatomy of Loneliness (New York: International Universities Press, 1980), 399.
eningly feminine. I was utterly unable to pluck up the courage to g0 2. Renate Wilson, Inside Outward Bound (Charlotte, N.C.: East Woods
to the bar. I backed out, and had beer in my hotel room. It took over press, 1981), 139.
3. Ibid., 400.
a week to get used to such crowds of one's people and of strangers."
4. Carin M. Rubenstein and Phillip Shaver, "Loneliness in Two Northeast-
ern Cities," in Hartog, Audy, and Cohen, eds., The Anatomy of Loneliness, 327.
Author Gretel Ehrlich, who left a large Eastern city to live more 5. Ralph Waldo Emerson, The Transcendentalist, in Carl Bode, ed., The
quietly on a ranch in Wyoming, related a similar story. In her book Portable Emerson (New York: Viking Press, 1981), 100.
The Solace of Open Spaces, she recounted her increased understand- 6. U.S. Department of Commerce, Bureau of the Census, Current Popula-
ing of the effects of being alone: tion Reports, Population Characteristics. Households, Families, Marital Status
and Living Arrangements: March 1987, Series P-20, No. 417 (Washington, D.C.:
For someone who lives in a remote spot, arriving at a ranch or coming U.S. Government Printing Office, August 1987.
to town for supplies is cause for celebration. To emerge from isolation 7. U.S. Department of Commerce, Bureau of the Census, Projections of the
Number of Households and Families: 1986-2000, Series P-25, No. 986 (Wash-
can be disorienting. Everything looks bright, new, vivid. After I had
ington, D.C.: U.S. Government Printing Office, 1986).
been herding sheep for only three days, the sound of the camp tender's
8. Richard Jefferies, "The Story of My Heart," quoted in William James,
pickup flustered me. Longing for human company, I felt a foolish grin
"On a Certain Blindness in Human Beings," in Josephine Miles, ed., Classic
take over my face; yet I had to resist an urgent temptation to run and Essays in English (Boston: Little, Brown & Co., 1961), 230-31.
hide.16 9. Quoted in Helena Znaniecki Lopata, "Loneliness: Forms and Compo-
nents," in Robert S. Weiss, ed., Loneliness, the Experience of Emotional and
Most of us will live our lives within society. We want to, and Social Isolation (Cambridge, Mass.: MIT Press, 1975), 110.
must, adapt to that society. Yet, we also want to be independent and 10. Emerson, The Transcendentalist, 100.
self-fulfilled. In modern America, it is time to turn away from con- 11. May Sarton, Journal of a Solitude (New York: W. W. Norton & Co.,
formity and togetherness and toward the experience of positive soli- 1973) 207.
tude. Disputing the beliefs that we Americans have acquired during 12. Quoted in Wilson, Inside Outward Bound, 142.
our lifetimes, those who have spent significant times alone convey 13. Quoted in ibid., 144.
14. Quoted in ibid., 142.
that solitude can bring increased self-knowledge, confidence, and
15. J. Ralph Audy, "Man, the Lonely Animal: Biological Roots of Loneli-
times of pure joy. If the experience of solitude is not entirely easy
ness," in Hartog, Audy, and Cohen, eds., The Anatomy of Loneliness, 114.
and positive, let us remember that the experience of being wit"1 16. Gretel Ehrlich, The Solace of Open Spaces (New York: Viking Penguin,
19
others is not all easy and positive either. Love, relationships, society, 85), 5.
and being alone all bring us various trials and discomforts. Ultimately.
we want to forge the spirit of community, but first we must find th
spirit that is within each of us.
 5
Managing the
Loneliness Crises
When is man strong until he feels alone?
ROBERT BROWNING, Colombe's Birthday

Loneliness crises are those times when a person feels "terribly

lonely" or "desperately alone." You feel depressed, helpless, empty.
Life seems to have no meaning. A loneliness crisis most often hap-
pens when you lose someone close to you, someone you have de-
pended on for a large amount of feedback and often someone you
depended on for many different kinds of feedback. The loss of a lover
means the simultaneous loss of a source for sex, laughter, informa-
tion, social support, material security, and intimate talk. With the
exception of sex, the loss of a close friend or a family member brings
similar deprivations. Such major losses mean that large blocks of your
time are left suddenly unfilled. The unexpected death of a spouse or
me sudden end of a relationship leaves you without other sources of
Redback.
When changes in relationships are anticipated, a wise person will
Ulin
k ahead to a new life and plan new ways to fill the feedback gap.
66 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF MANAGING THE LONELINESS CRISES 67

You realize that you will miss your daughter when she goes to streets until three or four o'clock in the morning, he would go to bed
lege, so you take on new challenges at work. You know that you and fall into a diseased coma in which events and people of his past life
soon be divorced, so you become interested in new activities and ne were mixed with the present, but during which he was yet conscious
people. Yet planning for the loss is one thing; living through it that he dreamed and that he could break the pestilential trance at any
moment. Finally, in the early morning when people were going to their
another. A loneliness crisis may still occur. Loneliness crises
work along the street, he would fall soundly asleep and lie as if drugged
characterized by intense emotions. All normal people will experienc
until noon.3
them at some time in their lives.
In addition to feeling normal sadness, people who experience a
The restlessness and despair of the loneliness crises could hardly be
major loss are often terrified. Consider the case of a woman in group
more powerfully depicted. The woman Webber left behind in New
therapy who suddenly burst out sobbing and related her story:
York was Esther Jack. She also suffered, alone:

Everything was going all right until all of a sudden I became so lonely.
To the swarming rock October had come back again with all its death
This awful loneliness just came over me and dug into me. I couldn't
and eagerness, its life, its lifelessness, its stored harvest and its barren
get rid of it; and I don't know why. There was nothing I could do about earth, its prophecy of ruin, its hope of joy. It was October, and there
it. It was terrible. I couldn't stand it. I wanted to die.1 had been autumnal sunset, and now brisk stars were winking in the
Park.
A woman in her early forties described the anxiety in her own loneli- Esther sat upon a lonely bench and thought of him. Four months
ness crisis this way: ago today he left her. What was he doing nownow that October had
come back again?
I wanted to get away from the situation and be with the kids in another Was it the one red leaf, the last of its clan, that hung there straining
country. So we left the country. I mean we really got away. And the in the wind? The dry leaves scampered down the path before her. In
feeling I had was of even more acute loneliness. Like I was walking their swift-winged dance of death these dead souls fled along before
through Barcelona. The kids didn't want to hang around, so they took her, driven with rusty scuffle before the demented wind. October had
off. So I was walking down a street and trying to visit some of the sites. come back again.
And it was a very kind of empty feeling, having nobody to share any Is it the wind that howls above the earth, is it the wind that drives
of these places with, not even the kids. It was very hard.2 all things before its lash, is it the wind that drives all men like dead
ghosts fleeing?
Author Thomas Wolfe is well known for his dramatic depictions All things were lost and broken in the wind. . . .
of loneliness. In his autobiographical novel The Web and the Rock, he
described the loneliness of lovers who have decided to separate We know that we must all face the inevitable fact of losing other
forever. First, read Wolfe's dramatic description from Webber's, the uman beings. Over a lifetime such losses will accumulate. You will
man's and his own, perspective: se lovers, parents, brothers and sisters, children, and friends. You
a
n never have fewer losses than you have at this moment, and unless
u
He had come away to forget her: He did nothing but remember her. decide to close yourself off from relationships altogether, in the
utur
He got sick with the pain and the thought of her, he got physically si<* e you will probably have more.
and there was no medicine for his sickness. . . . It is especially at the times of great loss that you must self-
At night, after prowling about feverishly through the London ' nsciously confront your life. Positive solitude may seem enor-
 MANAGING THE LONELINESS CRISES 69
68 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF

healthful. Yes, this pain will pass." Realizing that this grieving is
mously remote, even a cruel joke, in the throes of these bad times
happening helps a person to accept it.
Yet, if the loneliness can be suspended for even moments at a time
Understand that you will greet people in life and then, eventu-
if health can even be glimpsed, you can make progress. Patiently, y0u I
ally you will pass them by. They leave you or they will die. You will
must take the first steps toward self-sustenance. If ever a person!
leave them or you yourself will die. You need to understand that the
needed their selftheir intelligence, humanity, nurturance, creativ. I
loss is out of our control. But understand, too, that as long as you
ity, and loveit is now. live, replacement of the lost feedback with new, positive feedback is
How can you be sure to find love in your life? How can you within your control. This understanding is the beginning of hope.
always be in love? Be in love with yourself. Part of this process is allowing yourself the full expression of
During a loneliness crisis, the memory of the lost other is fresh, your feelings. To "own" your own feelings is to accept their exis-
perhaps infinitely dear. It is natural to want to hold that memory for tence, to express them, and to be responsible for expressing them
a time, even though holding it will be poignant and perhaps actually appropriately. You must accept the existence of all your feelings, too.
painful. You understand that the memory will fade, and you both You must accept not just the socially acceptable feelings like sadness
abhor and welcome its lossabhor it because your memories are the and hurt, but the darker, less acceptable feelings like anger and guilt.
precious remnant of your love, welcome it because living the memo- You must express these feelings in some way, whether through
ries is living in the past. You are alive and in the present, and some writing a journal, talking with a trusted friend, or seeing a professional
part of you wants to go on. Your aloneness is new and raw. You are counselor. Finally, you must be responsible for developing appropri-
probably frightened and disoriented. ate control of your feelingsworking them through by expressing
and understanding them, but also controlling them and moving on.
Understanding the Full Extent of the Crisis A part of experiencing loss is the natural tendency to withdraw
emotionally and intellectually from the world. This regression is natu-
In these times of crisis the most important thing to do first is
ral. You have been wounded, and you need to devote time and energy
to understand fully what is happening. Recognize that this change in
to healing. To pull back, deliberately to shut out new encounters and
your life is profound. It will affect you enormously. Above all, human
other new stimuli for a while is sensible. It is healthful to allow this
beings are feedback driven. It is our very ability to recognize and to regression. Allow yourself to feel childlike, dependent, nurtured. For
think about environmental feedback that has assured the survival of a time you may have no energy for, and no interest in, filling the
our species. Disruption of our feedback systems is unnerving and feedback gap. You may not want to think about personal meaning or
disorienting for all of us, but dealing with the disruption is also out about creating new options. You may simply want to be and to rest.
human strength. ime out is emphatically okay. There is a time for expressing emo-
So while part of you is mourning, part of youthe part that tlo
ns, and there is a time for doing nothing, for indulging yourself.
knows positive solitudeshould be figuring out what to do. The voice
of reason, the problem-solving abilities that most human beings con-
tain within them, may be totally shut out at first. But gradually, as Grieving Alone; Recovering Alone
mourning takes its course, it will grow louder. This voice is the p^ But, you say, one of my toughest problems right now is that I
of you that seems outside your emotional self, the part that watche5 ave
to go through this crisis alone. How can I endure this time of
you respond. It is the part of you that is standing back and giving wlS* Pain alone? It is normal to believe that a major part of the loss is
counsel: "Yes, this is normal. Yes, this grieving is necessary 3m avi
"g no one to grieve with. Regressing to a childlike state may be
70 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF MANAGING THE LONELINESS CRISES 71

fine, you think, but when I do, who will take care of me? is true for
w vou,
j you can make good use of professional counseling. A
When grieving alone, it is especially important to be absolut fessional therapist can guide you in examining your erroneous
clear about your own needs and abilities. Children, when ill or lef that your nurturing self can never be depended on. And coun-
happy, cannot take care of themselves. They need the actual presen ling is an excellent framework in which to help the nurturing part
of a nurturing person. Adults, on the other hand, can act as nurtu-' 0f you to become stronger.
parents for themselves. Unless they are physically disabled, they Often a person's times of rest and healthy regression include
adjust their environment to make retreat and healing possible. Th. oeriods of sadness. In fact, in the early stages of mourning a relation-
can, for example, arrange to take time away for themselves. They shipt y u m a y ^e sac* m o s t ^ t n e t e " Amid this sadness, make a
choose where to spend that time and they can create a nurtu ' conscious decision to notice the positive solitude experiences that
environment for themselves during that time. Adults can be sw occur. The sunlight on a pond or the deliciousness of a raspberry
and indulgent parents to themselves, in some ways better than some such delights will occasionally intrude upon your melancholy.
actual parents because these self-parents know their own needs ab In spite of your belief, you are not totally sad. One counterintui-
lutely and fully. tive way to encourage inklings of happiness is to focusintentlyon
In times of crisis you have to ask yourself, "What feels go trying not to be happy. Take a few minutes to push all happiness out
Is there anything at all that would feel good to me now?" And th of your mind. Definitely do not let any happy memory, sensation, or
you have to listen to your own answerschildlike, absurd, unus plan intrude. Most people cannot do so. This experiment can get you
though they may be! Do you like baths? Make a ritual of taki in touch with the realization of your innate capacity for joy. Noticing
luxurious oil baths. Give this time to yourself and treasure it. Get all your moments of happiness, you will spontaneously build on them and
the sleep you need, for without it little else will feel good. This is not gradually begin to heal.
a time for the rules and regulations of self-discipline. This is a tim During a loneliness crisis, then, you need to understand the
of acceptance and indulgence of that part of you that is still childlik process that you are going through at the moment and the process
and undisciplined and needy. For a reasonable length of time, as Ion you will go through to heal. You need to feel the loss, in whatever
as you are doing no harm to yourself either immediately or for th emotional form that feeling takes for you, and to allow yourself to
future, it is actually wise simply to do anything you feel like doing regress and to rest. Gradually, you will find the energy to think about
During this nurturing time, the character of your self-talk is filling the feedback gap with joy and meaning instead of with sorrow
crucial. What is your inner monologue saying to you? If you empha- and regret. Eventually, you will be willing to face the anxieties of
size that you are "all alone" with "no one to take care of me"if you building a different life. Not all at once, but soon, you will be willing
focus on the absence of an other as opposed to the presence of your to trade the depression of hopelessness for the anxiety of exploration.
selfthe healthy regression may turn into unhealthy feelings of de- And, eventually, you will settle into a renewed life, a life filled with
pression and helplessness. Emphasize instead how well you are tak- a new and probably different set of satisfying feedbacks.
ing care of yourself. Notice the nice, creative things you are doing fof
yourself and how good you feel about them. Instead of listening to
that inner voice that is always worrying about calories, for once enj
Characteristic Dilemmas
the ice cream. Certain problems seem to emerge systematically during a loneli-
ne
A problem you may have is that you, like many people, may ss crisis. The first one is succumbing to the urge to run away. I
am
actually know how to nurture yourself. For one thing, you may not talking now about the urge to escape psychologically, to
believe that you can rely on yourself for nurturing. If this statem belittle the problem of the crisis itself but, rather, the urge literally
72 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF MANAGING THE LONELINESS CRISES 73

to move, leave, roam, flee. In stressful situations, most animals ex- tendency is. But in all events, think carefully before you buy that
hibit the well-known fiight-or-fight syndrome. They will either stay ket to Australia. The urge to flee is a primitive urge that during a
and do battle or attempt to escape. Humans are also adapted either eliness crisis needs to be rationally considered before expensive
to fight or to flee. Intense loneliness is more closely associated with commitments are made.
the propensity to flee. Examples we have just seen are the divorced The flight syndrome can emerge even though you do not actually
woman who took her children to Barcelona and Thomas Wolfe's l ave town. You may wander the streets or frequent bars. Well-
character, Webber, who fled to Europe. We all know of people who meaning friends often will counsel you to go out a lot. But such
have gone away to forget. activities and such advice must be carefully considered. Do you actu-
The anxiety of being thrust into a new life, not knowing where ally feel better when you are out? What does your wandering achieve?
the next feedback fix may be coming from, can be enormous. Often Do you feel good in a bar? Are your good times mostly dependent on
your physical surroundings will evoke unhappy associations, and you filling your life up with people? Do you feel incapable of having a good
will feel compelled to escape. Here is what one man says about being time alone? You need to learn to have a good time all by yourself, and
alone at home when his family is far away: you need to make your home a place in which to have that good time.
The second major dilemma during a loneliness crisis is the tend-
"All the space in the house, except for my sanctum, the study, is ency to make sudden decisions, decisions that lead to choosing the
associated with my wife and daughter, so that I feel a sense of incom- wrong things to fill the feedback gap. You may become overconfident.
pleteness when they do not share this space. The feeling vanishes You may counsel yourself, "Trust your instincts. Go with the gut
when I go to my study or to the University, to sites where solitude is
feelings." And you may jump headlong into trouble.
an expectation, as it might be in a chapel."5
Habit is strong, and during these times when our emotions run
Associations to physical settings are real. If by flight you thereby high, reason does not always control habit as well as you would
discover a new feedback set, a permanent feedback set that will prefer. Thus people take off around the world. Or they take up the
transfer to your "normal" life situation, then flight is fine. But if temporary solace of drugs. Or they jump into harmful relationships.
fleeing does not fill the feedback gap, if instead you are left forlorn The divorced person who gets involved with someone very much like
on the streets of some foreign place, then flight has been counterpro- the former spouse is making this mistake. Some people believe that
ductive. they get involved with the carbon-copy mate because of some basic
If it does any good at all, fleeing is only a temporary remedy. psychological need in themselves, but it may also be true that they
Traveling is almost always disconnecting and uncomfortable in some make the mistake simply out of habit. They have grown accustomed
way, even for someone who is experienced at it. There is no reading to a certain type of feedback system. The system is comfortable, and
light when you want one. You can't find a good bookstore. Your >n the exciting early stages of a relationship, the consequences of such
a
neighbors are a budding rock group. Emotionally, traveling is not bad habit are forgotten. Unfortunately, as loneliness researcher
likely to be any better than staying home and facing the feedback gap- Kobert S. Weiss pointed out, "Attachments that develop in response
0
With your home sanctum as a base of comforts, you are well prepared great need are likely to carry a large risk, which may at first be
ov
to develop new associations and a new feedback set. erlooked As long as they last, they are fulfilling."6 But, unfortu-
ate
While some people clearly take their loneliness with them, oth- 'y, such attachments do not last. A divorced woman who was
e
ers are able to leave it behind. Usually, a walk in the country or a rviewed by Weiss had gotten involved with a friend's husband and
weekend escape is enough of an experiment to tell you what youf sequently found that he could not leave his wife. She said:
74 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF MANAGING THE LONELINESS CRISES 75

You look for something to fill that emptiness. You start going out. Yo, e ways secondary, going to the same concerts when you are alone
go with the girls meeting people. Wrong people, right people, it doe$n>, 11 seem empty. You simply may not enjoy the music itself enough
make any difference. . . . Then all of a sudden you wake up one (U make continued attendance seem worthwhile. It is time to find
and find yourself in the middle of something. . . . It's something ne% ther pursuits that you personally enjoy.
in your life. It's something that's filling the emptiness. It may not r Old activities now have unpleasant associations. You can still get
the best thing, but it's still something to look forward to, to get ^ leasure out of them, but many will not be as thoroughly enjoyable
every day for, to dress up for, to comb your hair for, to get a littu
and comfortable as they once were. You must seek new pleasures.
happiness out of.7
You may enjoy cross-country skiing, but you may also have skied with
the loved one who is lost. Now is the time, at least temporarily, to
As Weiss noted, such unwise attachments tend to end, and "one take up downhill skiing. Now is the time to do anything that is
never becomes accustomed to their ending, just as one never be- uniquely your own. Now is the time to fulfill individual dreams and
comes accustomed to physical pain or to moral humiliation."8 fantasies. If later you still want to go back to cross-country skiing, you
The third pitfall in the loneliness crisis is passivity. Making no will be stronger and your memories will be weaker. You will be ready
changes at all in your life can be harmful. Widowed individuals and to quell the old associations and to fill the feedback gap with your own
people who are not the initiators of their divorce are prone to this fulfilling new ideas and explorations.
mistake. They hold on: They visit the same old haunts, stick with the During the bad times, when loneliness is felt most acutely, when
same friends, take vacations in the same places, keep the same inter- you are feeling hopeless, it is important to make a decision about
ests. For a time, a period of weeks or a few months, these pursuits every single form of feedback that you pursue. You must ask yourself,
may be necessary for you to maintain some sense of equilibrium and "Is this activity, this feedback that I am now choosing, going to help
continuity. But eventually, you must realize that life is now different, me to heal and to grow? Or is it going to lead me along the same path
that the decisions made during and for the relationship no longer need that I am now on, a path of suffering?" Habits that were once reward-
to be made nor should be made. Activities once enjoyed together may ing and self-actualizing may now be doleful and deadening. You must
not be as fulfilling for the self alone. They may even be occasions for think this question through before you choose the old wayswonder-
mourning or for wistful remembering. At a certain point you will want ful and nurturing as they were.
something more fulfilling for yourself. Another problem that often arises during a loneliness crisis is the
Recognize that many decisions that were made within the rela- failure to recognize all the emotions involved. What is the full spec-
tionship were compromises. Decisions were made to benefit the trum of feelings that you are experiencing? Some emotional com-
couple, not the separate individuals. The couple compromised on plaints are more socially acceptable than are others, and even within
where they lived, where they vacationed, and what they ate for ourselves this "acceptability" inclines us toward acknowledging some
dinner. They played golf because he loved it and bridge because she ' our emotions but not others. In fact, there is a range of social
loved it. The individual alone should expect to live differently^ ac
ceptability for all our mental distresses, from most acceptable to
e
better or worse, merely differentlythan he or she lived when p^ ast acceptable. For example, people may say that they are "de-
of a couple. Some of the old ways will no longer be as satisfyingaS Pressed." This is a relatively acceptable ailment: People often say
e
they were when a spouse was included. Concerts enjoyed togethtf y are depressed. It is also acceptable, though somewhat less so,
0r
will now be experienced differently. Perhaps the concerts had b People to say that they are lonely. It is be considerably less
c
enjoyed primarily because they were a mutual activity. If it is true eptable for them to say that they are afraid, which may imply
they were primarily a social occasion and that the music itself was ^ness, or anxiety, which others may see as a sign of instability.
76 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF MANAGING THE LONELINESS CRISES 77

Though loneliness is not the most acceptable distress, it is not the friend who lives a thousand miles away sent me some bubble bath.
least acceptable either. A major pitfall in a loneliness crisis is hiding That simple, loving gesture helped to get me started on my own
behind the loneliness and denying to oneself or to others the other self-nurturing journey. Sometimes the help comes in the form of
important feelings that have taken control and may need to be re- modelingyou meet some people who are very nurturing to them-
solved. These feeling include anger, jealousy, anxiety, disorientation, selves, see their productive self-loving habits, and learn from them.
fear, rage, and helplessness. Through such observations, you may come to believe that hope is not,
For example, consider widowhooda major loneliness crisis. In after all, so hard to come by, and you begin the journey of positive
a well-respected study by Helena Znaniecki Lopata, 40 percent of the solitude.
widows Lopata talked to said that they are rarely or never lonely.9
The other 60 percent said they do feel lonely, and these women
showed a distinct tendency to repeat old, maladaptive emotional pat- Notes
terns that had been adopted before their spouses' death. A significant 1. William A. Sadler, Jr., and Thomas B. Johnson, Jr., "From Loneliness to
difference between the most lonely and the rarely lonely widows is Anomia," in Joseph Hartog, J. Ralph Audy, and Yehudi Cohen, eds., The Anatomy
the presence of anger. The very lonely women, in contrast to those of Loneliness (New York: International Universities Press, 1980), 34.
who are seldom lonely, recall being angry with other people fre- 2. Robert S. Weiss, Marital Separation (New York: Basic Books, 1975), 57.
quently before their husband's death. In the crisis of widowhood, 3. Thomas Wolfe, The Web and the Rock (New York: Harper & Row, 1973)
these angry women lack people to whom they can turn for emotional 575.
4. Ibid., 627.
and social support. Presumably, their anger drives such people away.
Such sad individuals have a dual problem in the bad times: to deal with 5. J. Ralph Audy, "Man, the Lonely Animal: Biological Roots of Loneliness,"
in Hartog, Audy, and Cohen, eds., The Anatomy of Loneliness.
their anger while figuring out how to deal with the feedback gap.
6. Robert S. Weiss, ed., Loneliness: The Experience of Emotional and Social
A final dilemma is hopelessness. Whether or not you will feel Isolation (Cambridge, Mass.: MIT Press, 1975), 140.
hopeless depends, in part, on how you define the problem of loneli- 7. Ibid., 140.
ness. If you believe that loneliness will be assuaged only by finding 8. Ibid., 141.
someone and if you believe that finding someone is difficult or impos- 9- Helen Znaniecki Lopata, "Loneliness in Widowhood," in Hartog, Audy,
sible, then your hopelessness has the force of logic and will be and Cohen, eds., The Anatomy of Loneliness, 237-58.
unshakable. If, however, you adopt the precepts of this book, then
you believe that loneliness can be assuaged not in one, but in many
ways. You know that you control these ways yourself. Thus, if you
believe in positive solitude, your feelings of hopelessness are unlikely
to continue for long.
If, after reading all that is said here, you still feel hopeless or
you find that the feelings of hopelessness consistently return, then
you must find someone who will help you to take the first step8
toward believing that things will get better. A friend or therapist wh
guides you toward self-nurturance is useful in these times. Son^'
times the impetus need only be a small, thoughtful gesture that giye
you a moment of solace. During one of my own loneliness crises,
 6
Decision-Making
Alone
The choices and decisions that we make in our times of
aloneness are ours and ours alone. We tap our inner resources
and make decisions that only we can make, in the process
coming more gradually to trust our own resources.
IRA J. TANNER, Loneliness: The Fear of Love

When we are suffering from problem emotions, it is natural to

devote our energy to dealing with them. Yet, managing practical
matters such as basic decisions should not be neglected. Your emo-
tional well-being depends in part on your skill in making good deci-
sions for yourself. In particular, people who are alone need to under-
stand their strengths and weaknesses as decision makers. Inevitably,
the decision-making process for single people differs from the deci-
sion-making process practiced by couples or families. There are
'fiajor differences, for example, in the way goals are set, the number
f opinions that need to be processed, and the way a solution is
developed.
Consider a major decision like buying a new car. Picture, if you
'"> a person in the process of making such a decision. One image
80 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF DECISION-MAKING ALONE 81

that is likely to come to mind is of Dad. Dad is sitting at a desk littered Yet, on the positive side, there is much to be said for not being
with bills and other ominous-looking missives (probably life-insurance party to the traditional decision-making scenario. As a lone decision
plans). His brow is furrowed: Can he afford the car that he wants? Ca^ maker, you have no one to please but yourself. You do not have to
they afford the car the family needs? What does his wife think? Should take the time and emotional energy to consider the goals and satisfac-
he get automatic door locks to protect the children? As Dad ponders tions of others. In a process uncomplicated by spouse and children,
his focused desk lamp illuminates only his work, leaving the rest of v0u can simply go ahead and decide. When you need information to
the room in darkness. Through a doorway we see that in the next make your decision, you can get outside help. The telephone on your
room the children are cooperating in the decision by keeping the desk connects you with people who are at least as knowledgeable
television low or, better yet, by quietly studying. Mother is coming about the facts needed in the decision, and no doubt less opinionated,
from the kitchen, where she has been making coffee, to confer with than a spouse would be. Because you don't have to spend time
Dad. This idealized image conveys that this is a modern family, in compromising with the family, you have time to make your own
which there is still one central decision maker but in which problems coffee, exactly as you like it. Furthermore, if the truth were to be told
are, in some ways, shared. about the idealized family decision, the children aren't really sitting
Often the mode of decision making is similar for the decision with the television turned low anyhow. They are arguing about which
maker who is alone. You may find yourself sitting in a darkened room, program to watch. The good wife is not making the coffee either.
at a desk with a similar stack of bills and papers, with the familiar After a hard day in the office, she has collapsed into a nearby chair
scowl. But though your mood may be alike in its focus and serious- hoping that her husband will make it.
ness, your situation is really different in a number of important re- People who make decisions alone lack appropriate role models
spects. and may not have a strong image of themselves as effective, efficient
On the down side, you may feel uncomfortable simply because decision makers. By recognizing some of your disadvantages and
you are alone while making your decision. Our culturally conditioned your advantages in the decision-making process, you can learn to
expectations of how decisions are made seldom includes the person cope with the former while taking advantage of the latter.
alone, unless that person is some kind of hero. In fact, the traditional Decision making is often thought of as simply the act of choosing
image that we Americans have is much like the scenario I've just between two alternatives, but really it is an entire process. Making
described. In our culture, especially as presented on television, a decision includes many steps: identifying the problem or problems,
"good" decisions are made within supportive family structures. Ev- gathering information, creating alternative actions, deciding what ac-
eryone in the family has a particular role in the decision-making tion to take, implementing that action, and, finally, living with the
process, and each acts that role well to ensure the best outcome results.
Even the children have a job, which is to leave Daddy and Mommy Each step suggests the need for certain personal skills, knowl-
alone to make the decision. If you are alone, you may be sensitive to edge, time commitments, and attitudes. When decision making is a
the fact that you must play all the roles. There is no spouse standing social process, it is complicated greatly by differing goals and emo-
by with a cup of coffee or, for that matter, with helpful ideas. You mi tions and by the need for communication, clarification, debate, and
feel some loss on this account. If you are really feeling sorry f< compromise. Organizations, which can be thought of as social sys-
yourself, you may feel that the absence of children or of a partner tems designed for collective decision making, often deal with this
your life undermines the very meaningfulness of the decisions y complexity by dividing up the steps of a decision-making process
face. You say to yourself, "Why worry so much about this decisi a
mong many people. Families develop their own decision-making
anyhow? It only affects me. It's not such a big deal." habits. People who are alone will follow the same decision-making
 DECISION-MAKING ALONE 83

82 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF

need to point out some of your problems for you. The best stance
steps that organizations, families, couples, and other groups use, yet jS to find a balance between healthy selfishness and openness to the
their approach to each of the steps will necessarily be adapted to their
input of other people.
particular needs. The next step in the decision-making process is collecting infor-
Consider the initial step in decision making: the identification of mation about the problem. Suppose the problem is finding a new
the problem to be solved. Focusing on a problem is a different process apartment. To do so, you need to assemble a lot of information about
for singles than it is for couples or for families. The person alone has apartments, locations, comparable rents, parking, security, leases,
fewer of others' problems to contend with, an obvious advantage. For and so on. You will invest a significant amount of your personal
the person who is not alone, the problems of the other people become resources in time, intellect, and imagination. In this situation, the
topics for discussion, and the entire group has to discuss or consider individual alone is obviously at a disadvantage. A couple who is mak-
each person's issues. 1 ing the same decision has twice as much time and two creative minds
When you are alone, you can concentrate on your own issues. instead of one, and a family or network includes even more resources.
With freedom comes responsibility. You must assume the responsi- Under favorable circumstances that foster cooperation and open dis-
bility for identifying your problems. This is not as straightforward a cussion, groups make better decisions than would an individual who
process as it first appears. Often, out of habit, we rely upon others is alone. When a group or couple is open and relaxed, it can tap a
to help us see ourselves and gain a different perspective on issues. larger knowledge base. Since individuals will each think about the
Alone, you must compensate for the lack of other perspectives by problem somewhat differently, the group or couple will also have
being more observant and thoughtful about yourself and your envi- more different approaches to a problem and will be able to select the
ronment. Since making personal decisions is your responsibility, and best one. The individual alone has a relatively limited amount of
only yours, you should focus even more strongly on your own prob- knowledge and will have a limited set of alternative approaches to a
lems. You need to focus your energies and to be judicious in allowing problem.
yourself to become distracted by the problems of others. When you Suppose you want to find that new apartment across town. You
are alone, this selfishness is healthy. read the newspaper ads for the community you have chosen and ask
At the same time, such intense self-awareness will have its a friend who lives there to look around for you. Soon you have some
disadvantages. For one thing, it may be seen by outsiders as self- leads, and you make appointments to see the apartments after work
centered. When alone, you need to counteract this impression by for several evenings in a row. After visiting half a dozen apartments,
making an extra effort to put others at ease or by helping them to you settle on one and take home the lease to study it. Satisfied, you
understand your situation. A related problem is that because you return across town the next day and give your deposit to the landlord.
become so used to identifying your problems by yourself, you You have followed a reasonable process. Yet, compare it with what
become less open to the valid observations of others. It is unlikely a couple could do in the same situation. Harry and Sally each have
that people alone will hold the only valid interpretations of their friends in their target community, so they get more leads than you
behavior; they will often be able to profit from the observations of do. Sally has to work late one nightjust like you do so oftenbut
others. You are often party to conversations that tell you something instead of canceling an appointment with a landlord, Harry goes. In
about yourself: "You seem tense." "Do I?" "Yes, you are frowning reviewing the lease, Harry and Sally pool their collective experience
a lot this morning." "Really? I guess I've just been so busy that I in such matters, which, while it may not be exactly twice yours, is
didn't notice how I was feeling." Yet just as when you are with others
certainly more. Satisfied, the next day Sally drops the lease off be-
you may have the tendency to rely on them too much, when you are
cause their new apartment happens to be on her way to work.
alone you may tend to rely on yourself too much. Your friends may
84 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF DECISION-MAKING ALONE 85

Of course, you are a more efficient decision maker than are At the same time, you can compensate by choosing to spend
either couples or families. You avoid meetings and arguments. And some of your time systematically learning about those complicated
it is true that you can use the time you thus save to seek additional issues that you face. Major decisionsbuying a house, planning in-
information and to create more approaches to the problem. Still, the vestments, providing adequate insurance, developing a careersel-
adage that two heads are better than one does hold some truth. dom arrive unexpectedly. When important and complex decisions do
Because much of their knowledge will overlap, two people may not occur, you can be prepared. Couples, lulled into complacency, often
always have twice as much knowledge as one, but they typically have fail to continue learning about life's more complicated business. It is
more knowledge than the individual alone does. A family or group has not uncommon for responsibility to become diffused within the cou-
ple. Each relies on the other's knowledge, which may be outdated or
even more.
simply wrong. One says, "My spouse knows a lot about the stock
Realizing this fact, as every person alone must, can increase your
market, so I don't need to know more." When you are alone, you
fear of being alone. We live in a competitive society, in which singles
cannot afford not to know, and you will not blindly rely on others to
must compete with couples for such daily necessities as housing and
know. You wisely learn the basics and continue to update your knowl-
for such luxuries as hotel rooms. In a species that has survived by
edge.
its intelligence, any perceived deficiency in decision making that
comes from being excluded from a group is bound to increase anxiety. In summary, when you are alone it is important to fight the
However, in the twentieth century, our primitive fears of exclusion primitive feeling of anxiety that comes from being "excluded" from
are allayed by the fact that the individual does not really need to know the tribe. It is important to distinguish those problems that require
very much to survive. We do not need to know how to build a house detailed knowledge from those that do not. Reserve your energy for
or grow crops or treat illnesses to live safely, eat well, and stay studying those problems that in our society are complicated and risky,
healthy. especially financial matters, major purchases, and health-related deci-
Some decisions do, however, require in-depth knowledge. It is sions.
one thing to plunk down the money to rent an apartment. It is quite Moreover, when you are alone you should make systematic
another thing to buy a house. You not only shop for the house, but efforts to identify experts who can help you to expand your knowl-
you try to get a good buy, arrange for the mortgage, and manage the edge. In identifying lawyers, accountants, doctors, and others, singles
upkeep. Personal financial planning is another area in which you wil tend to have fewer immediate contacts than do others. They simply
need broad expertise. Even twenty years ago, investment decisions have fewer opportunities to make them, and they cannot rely on their
were relatively uncomplicated. With today's proliferation of financia spouse to know people to enlarge their networks. One coping strat-
instruments and the volatility of world economies, such decisions egy is to realize this weakness and compensate by taking systematic
require a great deal of knowledge. For these kinds of complex deci advantage of the contacts you do have. Make a special effort to join
professional and recreational and other networking groups. Happily,
sions, you must learn to compensate for living alone. a
person alone can elicit outside help from experts without offending
Consider lowering some of your expectations. For example a
partner who believes himself or herself to be the in-house expert.
when you are making a complicated decision alone, you should expec'
Thus unfettered, you can always chose the best possible counsel.
to invest a great deal of time in gathering information. You may no
be able to make your final decision quickly. Because of time con When you are alone, you will solve problems according to your
straints, you may want to simplify some of your decisions, investing wn personality and experience; you will tend to use certain problem-
for example, in mutual funds instead of more volatile individua solving approaches over others. For example, if you are what has
stocks. een called a right-brain dominant individual, you will solve problems
 DECISION-MAKING ALONE 87
86 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF
person alone, not couples or groups, who most often establishes a
more intuitively and holistically. If you are a left-brain dominant indi-
successful new company.
vidual, you will tend to solve problems more logically, sequentially,
Yet in implementing a solution, you must also keep in mind your
and analytically. Individuals' decision-making styles also differ iiJ
limitations. As the one person to implement the decision, you have
terms of their ability and training to think logically, manage time, and
relatively less time. You have fewer hands to perform necessary
maintain self-discipline. Savvy corporations take advantage of the fact
tasks. Consider household work. Although some housework is simpli-
that their employees have different styles by creating problem-solv-
fied when one person does it, some is made more tedious by being
ing teams that combine people with different approaches. The same
alone. In every household, whether populated by one or many people,
strategy will work well for individuals. Often the individual who is
there is one electric bill, one telephone bill, and one rent bill to be
alone should seek others whose decision-making styles differ from
paid. The checkbook still needs to be balanced, too. Alone, you cannot
their own. Creative, intuitive persons might seek out analytic types
share these burdens. Individuals who are alone are less likely to have
for example. Thus, you can assure that you will see a problem from
a backup system in the form of another person to do these chores,
various angles, and you will be better equipped to ensure its happy
to say nothing of earning the required money, if they cannot or do
solution. The person who tends to make hasty decisions would do
not wish to do them. These complications suggest that people who
well to find a consultant/friend who is more methodical. The person
are alone need to be especially well organized so busy times do not
who tends to focus on the general framework of a problem would do
find them falling behind in such essentials as paying bills. The accom-
well to find a consultant who is detail oriented. When you are alone
panying luxury, of course, is that if you really want to let a job slide,
you must know what your own problem-solving style is, and yo
you are free to do so.
should learn to complement it. Identify friends with complementar
styles who are willing to help you to make some decisions. You ma In general, making effective decisions alone requires that you be
also be able to compensate by learning additional new styles. literally and figuratively centered. In part, being centered means hav-
ing an appropriate physical space: a well-organized decision-making
Once information is gathered and different approaches to thl
center. Albert Einstein did not keep all his knowledge in even his
problem are adopted, the next step in the decision-making process i.
astonishing brainhe had a marvelous library, and he knew where
to select a solution. People choose different solutions in large part o
things were in it. You require a desk with plenty of file space, an
the basis of their ability to implement them. Though couples am
efficient phone system, excellent reference books, and a systematic
groups may be highly focused and committed to a solution, compare
listing of contacts. You will probably want a phone answering ma-
to the person alone they are usually at a disadvantage. It is less likel
chine. A personal computer is useful for complicated financial records
that any one solution will please all group members, and when th
and analyses and for gaining valuable knowledge through various
solution is implemented, some members may resist. This resistanc
on-line networks. Such a decision-making system should be thought-
will be time consuming, annoying, and potentially sabotaging to tt
fully selected to serve your particular decision-making needs, be they
solution. Because you alone have done all the decision making, y< as
simple as paying bills or as complex as tracking real estate.
will have a clear focus on your problem and a strong commitment
your selected solution. You are more likely to take Mark Twaii Having this central place for decision making will contribute to
view that you should put all your eggs in one basketand then wat your psychological sense of being centeredthat combination of
e
that basket! This effect on implementation of the desired solution "-awareness, confidence, and openness that often characterizes the
widely known in business start-ups. Entrepreneurs are focused, s , e"-adjusted individual. Centered persons recognize the problems
ner
gle-minded, and motivated. It is not surprising, then, that it is ' ent in making decisions alone and take steps to remedy them.
88 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF DECISION-MAKING ALONE 89

They recognize that their time and energy are finite and they do not maker and as a solitary decision maker, and go on to the next prob-
push themselves to attempt too much. They seek challenges that lem?
match their abilities. They recognize their need for expert assistance Choice implies uncertainty, and the decision-making process is
in some aspects of their decision making, they begin to collect con- always accompanied by some uncertainty. When people are alone,
tacts with experts well before they desperately need them, and they this uncertainty can be heightened. Perhaps they realize some of the
are well organized. advantages of collective decision making without figuring out how to
Most of all, if you are alone, you recognize that making effective compensate for them in their own lives. They may not yet have
decisions does not require the presence of an intimate companion. realized some of the advantages of being alone in a decision. They feel
While it does require your own thoughtfulness, knowledge, and cre- doubtful and uncomfortable.
ativity and it does require resourcefulness in finding trustworthy The uncertainty of decision making alone will be especially high
expert advice, it is something that you can accomplish effectively for the person who is newly alone. If you are recently separated from
alone. a major decision-making partner like a spouse, the occasion of even
Ultimately, a decision is implemented, and your solution suc- a minor decision may cause extra anxiety. Since your new decision-
ceeds or fails. You have to live with the results of your decisions and making process represents a significant change from former modes,
actions. As a person alone you have only yourself to blame for failure. your anxiety about coping with this new situation is not unreasonable.
And only yourself to credit with success. You cannot realistically You have to develop a whole new decision-making process, yet you
blame your consultants. A consultant, such as a personal financial may be only dimly aware of how to do it. Not only are you coping
analyst, is removed from the personal consequences of the decisions emotionally with the ending of a close relationship, not only are you
that are made. The consultant's legitimate role is to give advice, not in need of adopting a new and unfamiliar decision-making process, but
to make decisions. You cannot rightfully blame your helpful friends at the same time important practical problemssuch as a divorce or
either. Close friends will give advice, but they will most assuredly not the settling of an estateare likely to accompany the end of the
wish to take credit for a decision. (If they do, they do not often stay recent relationship. Often in these circumstances the safest first step
friends.) Of course, this clear delineation of decision-making responsi- is to do nothing for a time. Unless yo>u have a trusted friend to handle
bility is not true in couples and families. A partner is, by definition, your affairs, you should delay major decisions for at least weeks,
a person with whom one makes a decision. Together a couple shares possibly months. Feeling lonely and uncertain, lacking confidence, an
the consequences of a decision, and they may exult or console one individual alone is prey at these times to the suggestions of many
another as necessary. They may also fight and blame each other when people who do not have his or her best interests at heart. Defer
a decision turns out badly. The person alone has all the decision- decisions until you figure out what the most effective decision-making
making power, and, if things go well, all the resulting glory. Yet, process will be for you.
whether the result is glory or ignominy, you must be prepared to When newly alone, your tasks are, first, to fill your feedback gap
handle the consequencesemotional, interpersonal, or financial. by yourself and with yourself; second, to become accustomed to your
Take particular care to forecast the personal consequences of new life circumstances; and, third, to regain or increase your own
the solution you choose and to figure out what your emotional reac- confidence. When you have made a good start on these tasks, you
tion to failure will mean. Will you blame yourself? Will you fall into should learn how to make an effective decision along the lines sug-
the loneliness trap of desperately wishing you had a partner in the gested here, and you should leam to assess your own abilities to do
decision? Or will you realistically assess your decision-making pro- so objectively.
cess, analyze your strengths and weaknesses both as a decision All people who are alone, whether newly or not, will be acutely
90 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF DECISION-MAKING ALONE 91

aware that no matter what they learn or know, they are likely to be [,ave clearer goals than will people together. The negotiation of goals
stereotyped as relatively weak decision makers. What do most of us and the process of deciding consume time; typically, the larger the
really think about people who are making decisions primarily alone? group, the more time is required. The person who is alone can make
In truth, we may question whether their decisions are good ones. For routine decisions quickly. Couples and groups are also subject to
the logical reasons I have already pointed out, most of us would guess pressures for conformity, and sometimes even though their decision
that their decisions are less likely to be effective than are those made is bad, it will be agreed to and implemented anyway. The person who
by couples or groups. The person alone senses these prejudices. The is alone can do exactly as he or she pleases.
woman alone is particularly susceptible because she comes from a When you know how to make decisions alone, you take pride in
category of individuals about whom there are already many preju- doing so. You express yourself. You alone have the final word.
dices: The quality of women's judgment has only recently been ac- When you are alone, you may, because of your unique personal-
cepted. Still, as a decision maker the woman alone is sometimes seen ity, follow highly idiosyncratic decision-making processes. Such cre-
as less than half a couple, and because she senses this disapproval, ativity in decision-making can exist only when you are free of external
her confidence in her own abilities as a decision maker may be low. constraints. You may be as eccentric as you wish. You can analyze
The single man may also experience prejudice. For example, the the problem in detail or you can go with your intuition, and no person
assumption often is that he needs to be helped to find a suitable can criticize you for not approaching the problem "properly."
partner. Society has always stigmatized the individual alone: as a When you are alone in your decision, no one can cloud your
loner, an eccentric. (At one time in Puritan America it was even illegal unique vision.
to live alone!) The implication is that the lone person must be a little
bit crazy. Without a firm belief system of your own to sustain you in
your aloneness and a firm knowledge of your ability to make deci-
sions, you can indeed be a weak decision maker. Your judgment may
waver, or you may fail to effectively implement your own goals.
The problem of the negative stereotype cannot be solved by
individuals. Only as singles take a full and strong role in our society
will prejudices against them be defeated. But people alone can gain
enough confidence in their own decision-making abilities to give up
caring what others think. You can realize your weaknesses, your
uncertainties, and your self-doubts as a decision maker, and you can
learn to compensate for them. You can build on your strengths. In so
doing, you can become a model that others will come to respect and
emulate.
Remember that there are significant advantages to making deci-
sions alone, not the least of which is escaping from some of the
negative aspects of decision making that exist for couples and family
groups. Not only is it difficult for two people to negotiate clear goals,
but their separate perceptions of those goals may be not quite the
same and may diverge even further over time. A person alone will
 7
Sensuality Alone
BOGART: How'd you like it?
HEPBURN: Like it?
BOGART: White-water rapids!
HEPBURN: 1 never dreamed. . . .
BOGART: I don't blame you for being scared. Not
one little bit. Nobody with good sense ain't
scared of white water.
HEPBURN: I never dreamed that any mere physical
experience could be so stimulating.
The African Queen

In solitude it is just as important to tend to your physical needs

as it is to tend to your intellectual and emotional needs. It is especially
important to remember that your physical well-being is inextricably
intertwined with your emotional well-being. The depression and anxi-
ety so often associated with loneliness are always felt physically in
different heart and respiratory patterns or in changed levels of activ-
ity that leave you feeling either sluggish or overtired.
Sometimes your feelings originate not in your situation but in a
change of activity level itself. For example, for some reason related
or not to your solitude, you may choose to be less active than usual;
94 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF SENSUALITY ALONE 95

as a result, you will begin to feel sluggish. Because you feel sluggish, in the latter part of the twentieth century are working more hours
you may start to think that you are becoming depressedall because than they did twenty years ago. It is obvious why sensuality came
you failed to attend to your physical needs in the first place. more naturally in our youthwe had more time for it! We become
Physical well-being is a prime source of joy in solitude. As you tired, and out of habit and convenience we fill our lives with pastimes
look inward in solitude, you will discover an expanded sensuality, and, that are more active than sensual. Yet sensuality is always central to
happily, you will have the time and energy to explore it. Discovering a full life. You should find time for it no matter what your age. You
and developing your sensuality can become not only an enormous must actively pursue it by discovering environments that engage all
pleasure, but an important source of centering and well-being. your different senses.
Unfortunately, commonly approved notions of sensuality, like so
many aspects of our culture, tend to focus on relationships. In Amer-
Focusing on Sensuality
ica today, sensuality implies sexuality. Among all possible sensuali-
ties, sexuality is the type that is most often touted in the media. In To become reacquainted with your sensual self, you must first
the age of the velvet mouth, the glistening body, and the phallic make experiencing your sensuality a goal. A person never loses the
lipstick, sex is a sensuality that sells. Our society promotes it as a capacity for sensuality and this capacity doesn't even fade much until
major tool of advertising, movies, television, and magazines; as the you are quite old. Yet over the years one tends to forget about it more
central issue in human relationships; and even as a human rights and more. "I am too old for that," we say to ourselves. We start
focus. We place relatively little value on the broader experiences i limiting ourselves by such thoughts even when we are children: "I'm
sensualitythe use of our eyes, ears, and other sensory organs fo too old to play with blocks!" By forty, we are experts at limiting our
the pursuit of pleasures not associated with sex. options: "I'm too old to take up a musical instrument." "People my
Of course, being in sex is wonderful. Great, intense sex with a age cannot learn to ski." We put on our boring business clothes and
great, intensely sexy person is, yes! great and intense and sexy. But go back to work. We express surprise when a fifty year old takes up
all our emphasis on sexuality can result in a serious obstacle for scuba diving, when a sixty year old starts a new business, or when
anyone who is pursuing positive solitude. It often becomes a loneli- a seventy year old enjoys sex.
ness trap. When you think of sensuality primarily in terms of sexual- A lot of the pressures not to indulge our sensuality come from
ity, you buy into the belief that you need someone else around to fulfill society. When we think of California as sunny and New England as
your sensual needs. By focusing on sexuality, you are ignoring all the cold, we are not noticing only the weather. The acceptability of
other wonderful sensualities that your mind/body offers to you. You sensuality also differs in these distinct social climes. The challenge is
severely limit yourself. to let your sensual self be heard no matter what the social rules.
Each of your senses has something wonderful to offer. Sight After you encourage your sensual self to speak, pay attention to
gives you the delight of colors, shapes, nature, the human bodyi what you hear. It is often said that your most important sexual organ
clothing, architecture, and art. Hearing offers birds and oceans and >s between your ears. Your most important sensual organ is there,
music. Smell brings you lilacs, perfume, and spring air. Taste in- too.
troduces chocolate, potato chips, and spices. Through touch you Sensuality involves your intellect. Ignorance narrows your expe-
experience warmth, fur, and velvet. Through your kinesthetic sense rience instead of expanding it; it deadens your sensuality. Through
you take pleasure in walking and swimming and dancing. experience, you can develop an aesthetic sense at any age. In recent
Yet for many of us, sensuality is a mere acquaintance, rather than decades the tradition of aestheticism has been overpowered by the
a close friend. After all, our time is limited. We work hard. American8 cult of youth and sexuality. It is waiting to be rediscovered. There is
96 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF SENSUALITY ALONE 97

good reason to mourn the decline of liberal arts in education, for such it might be nice if someone were with you. Yet, you are alone, with
early training predisposes adults to feeling comfortable with many your own feelings and sensuality, and that is terrific, too. Think it and
different sensual explorations. One good art history course at age feel it.
twenty allows you to walk into a museum at age forty and have a place
to start. Throughout life, the liberal arts enliven the mind for a broad
Enhancing Your Sensuality Through Solitude
appreciation of lifeopening your thoughts to music and literature
and painting and an appreciation of the natural world. Listening to your sensual self is actually easier in many ways for
To enhance your sensuality, you must suspend your automatic people who are alone. When you are with other people, your sensual
judgments of what it is OK to feel. So often we allow only specific, pleasures are defined by your very togetherness. What you will do
predetermined types of sensual stimulation to give us pleasure. Many at any moment is a compromise of the wishes of all the people
men emphasize sexuality, sports, music, and food. It is acceptable for present. Sometimes you compromise just with one other person;
a man to have a fur rug on his bed, but less acceptable for him to enjoy sometimes there is a whole family or group involved. With all the
a fur coat. A woman's sensuality is likely to focus on her environment, distracting social stimulation in your environment, staying in touch
clothing, touching, food, art, or music. She less frequently emphasizes with your own needs and pleasures is difficult. Even if you can do so,
sex or sports. Part of the pleasure of being sensual alone is the expressing them fully when you must compromise with others is
freedom to break out of these stereotypes and to find out what truly impossible.
turns you on. Men alone can do more with touch, smell, and aesthet- When you are with persons of the opposite gender, male-female
ics. Women alone can do more with kinesthetics, including both rituals in touching and in dress and even in the way you look about
sports and sex. Be creative! (After all, nobody is watching.) the room will distract you from your self. Maintaining a deep and
As with anything you will do alone, it's important to take matters peaceful focus becomes impossible. A person touches your arm, and
into your own hands. A day filled with sensuality is not likely just to your attention is drawn to that touch. Your companion points out
happen. So, plan a sensual day alone. You might sleep late, waking something lovely, a flower or a phrase of music, and you drop your
up to a fine cup of coffee and a croissant served on your most beautiful own perceptions and center your attention on what has been pointed
dishes. Read in bed a while, make love to yourself, sip a glass of out. You may or may not agree that it is lovely.
champagne. You might indulge yourself then in a scented bath or a Solitude can enhance your sensuality. When you are alone, you
long shower, dress beautifully, and go out to see something engaging will not be distracted. You can take stock of your mood and do exactly
and visually wonderfulan art museum, a forest, a city market alive what your sensual self feels like doing. Often you will find that your
on a Saturday morning. You might occupy yourself at such a scene wind will be at peace and at rest. Being apart from business, talk, and
by walking through it, photographing it, or talking to strangers you action, you will heighten your awareness of your senses, your sur-
meet. Lunch would be whatever your mood desires. In the afternoon roundings, and your natural rhythms. You can express your individual
you might try a sensuous activity or sport, sculling perhaps, swim- aesthetic sense. Have you ever noticed that the loveliest apartments
ming at the beach, or a nature walk. Spend an hour or two reading are often designed by single people? In the art and furniture they
c
a good book or listening to music. ollect, they can express themselves with an aesthetic sense that
Of course, if you are constantly thinking, "Gee, I sure do wish requires no compromise.
so-and-so were here now," you will not enjoy a positive sensuality. Sensuality has a lot to do with mood. Your mood at any particular
You must have enough confidence in your self, enough control of your urne predisposes you to particular sets of sensual experience. If you
positive thought processes, to handle such intrusive thoughts. Yes, ^e part of a couple, it seems natural to "set the mood": actively to
98 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF SENSUALITY ALONE 99

create an environment that encourages sensuality. In positive soli, throws off his persecutor! He rests. Is his eye bloodied? Meanwhile the
tude, too, even if it feels a bit unnatural at first, think about setting snake slithers deep under the leaves. I reach out to measure the toad
the mood for your personal sensuality. with a length of my finger and he jumps out of range in one effort. All
is quiet. AhI find him and he leaps off again, to fall down a boulder-
The sensual moods that you probably know best are associated
cliff to safety. And the snake? Will he climb into my shoe? Up my pants
with relationships, especially sexual ones. These moods represent
leg? Where the devil is she/he? I take up a stick and poke it into the
socially acceptable sensuality. The mood of couple sensuality is so leaves and acorns. I tease Snake away along a wide rock. He won't be
acceptable that it is a cliche: you dress carefully, select a good bottle back.
of wine, and lower the lightsall to promote mutual sensuality and [A few minutes later). Goddamn! Something black and furryI
sexuality. Hard-rock sensualitythe sexual sensuality of clubs and hope it was a weasel, not a rat!just darted down my slope not more
musicis a different kind of couple sensualitylivelier, tougher, than two yards from my shoulder! Searching around the rocks by the
widely pursued. A rare sensuality in which it is acceptable for people shore, I cannot find a tracea weasel then! My God, what a place!
of the same gender to touch and admire each other is sports. The Observe, feel, keep/guard/protect/enhance my own thoughts, my own
comaraderie of the field, and especially of the locker room, creates spirit. This is a place for such keeping.
a mood of highly charged sensuality involving all the senses.
People who are alone have other sensual moods to pursue. Many Another, quite opposite type of sensuality focuses not on intel-
become outdoor enthusiasts and nature lovers. For instance, hunters lectual energy but on intellectual surrender. This kind of Zen sensual-
describe their delight at being alone in the woods. They are attuned ity usually develops in a place where silence, reflection, and solitude
are honored and protected. It involves clearing your mind of its
to sounds, smells, shapes, and shadows. Experiencing an environ-
constant thinking so that other, sensual stimuli may enter. It has been
ment that is simultaneously beautiful and hazardous, they are in-
called by many namesletting go, centering, and meditating. Zen
tensely present in their sensual selves. Trout fishers note the same
practitioners say that it is "seeing the truth through your everyday
intensity: concentration on the stream and the fish, broken occasion-
eyes. It is only the heartless questioning of life-as-it-is that ties man
ally by gazing up at the natural setting.
in knots. A man does not need an answer to find peace. He needs only
I have been a member of the Appalachian Mountain Club for to surrender to his existence, to cease the endless, empty question-
many years now. This is what I wrote in my diary about the sensuality ing. The secret of enlightenment is when you are hungry, eat; and
of a day spent at a club retreat: when you are tired, sleep." 1 You can bring Zen sensuality into your
life in many ways. Practicing meditation and lying in float tanks are
At this moment, this day, there is no place in the world that I would among the trendier pursuits. Gentle walking and simply resting are
rather bemy back propped against a rough rock, the ground warm, other ways. The goal is to rid yourself of expectations. Just surrender,
my feet up on a fallen birch, the lake lying gentle in front of me. Fifty to a quiet place, to what happens.
yards out is a rock cairn making an entrance to our harbor. A hundred
yards out, at the edge of a small, treed island, the wind on the water Many people who are alone discover a heightened aesthetic
is steady. sensuality. Freed from the preoccupation of organizing a household
Wow! Nature news breaks at my very feet! A tiny snakeno complicated by other lives, they can focus on making their living
s
more than six inches longhas a one-inch toad by the head. One o Pace an extension of themselves. They discover their own taste,
themthe toad 1 presume!is squealing. The little wide-eyed snake hey make a point of collecting art and other things that satisfy their
is determinedthere they go thrashing through the dry leaves, his/he' Esthetic sense.
body curling (happily? greedily?) Greedily. But now the toad leaps and I have one friend whose apartment is a delight to visit. At every
100 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF SENSUALITY ALONE 101

turn my friend has placed something joyful or droll or serious-. love nature is that it is constantly changinglight from sunrise to
pictures and bowls and sculptures, all with character, that she has sunset, and then darkness and stars; animals ranging about; and plants
collected in her travels. Everywhere are textured things you are germinating, growing, fruiting, and dying. It is all so engaging to
dying to touchand can indeed touch because you are not in a watch! As I write these words, I am looking out at an old apple tree,
museum. I have another friend whose apartment is basically white, snow covered, where eight male blue jays have come to a feeder. Just
the better to show off the sculpture lights she collects and the few beyond, the road curves into a village at the base of a small mountain.
colored pieces she owns. Yet another is a sensualist whose lovely I have taken myself to this small bed and breakfast in Vermont to get
home is graced with fragrancessoaps, foods, and flowers. awayto work, to be sure, but also to refresh my sensesand as
People like these are turned on. They have created wonderful I feel more rested, more joyful, I know this trip is worthwhile.
places to experience on a daily basis. They have made sensuality a Travel of any sort, whether it be hours or minutes away, opens
theme of their positive solitude. new opportunities for sensuality. When it is vacation travel, unencum-
It should come as no surprise that in these lovely environments bered by work or other activities that structure your time, it can also
sensual people make love to themselves. Masturbation is such an ugly be used to open a deliberate feedback gap, to create anticipation. In
word for love. Who invented that word anyhow? Better to think of an intellectual mood, you might ask yourself, What shall I do today?
solitary sex as self-love, which is less clinical and infinitely more In a sensual mood, you might ask yourself, What shall I feel today?
sensual. Single people are often warned, "Never go to such and such a place
What is it that sex with another person gives you? Let us leave alone. It is too beautiful!" or "It is too romantic!" While I would not
aside the affectional side for a while (see chapter 14: "And Who Are suggest that your first travel forays alone should be to a romantic inn,
All These Others?) and concentrate on the physical. There is no maybe your fourth or fifth trip could be. Alone, you, too, will enjoy
debating that sex with another person does provide certain mechani- the drink by the fire, the candlelight dinner, and the flannel sheets.
cal perks. It also entails the fascination of risk and surprise: What will
your partner do next? How will he or she react to what you do?
Although these interactions cannot be replaced, when you are alone Inhibitors of Sensuality and How to Manage Them
you can do a great deal to have a similar good time. Of course, experiencing a positive sensuality at all times is im-
You know, for example, what it is that physically pleases you. If possible. We have other things to do. We become tired. Positive
you cannot do these things yourself, there are dozens of healthy sensuality can be lost through long-term boredom and mental stagna-
products available in discrete catalogs to help you out (maybe even tion. It can be cut off by illness.
some you wouldn't dare to try with a partner). If you miss the There is an effect of our environment, too. Some environments
excitement of another person, add excitement with your new toys, are truly antisensual, as was one cold dark afternoon that annoyed
or with fantasies imagined, read, or watched. Choose fresh environ- Henry David Thoreau:
ments for your self-love. Take yourself away for a fantasy weekend
at an inn or outdoors. Refresh your sensuality by finding new moods. The landscape is barren of objects, the trees being leafless, and so little
It is important to get away from the repetition of your daily life to light in the sky for variety. Such a day as will almost oblige a man to
turn your mind on again. eat his own heart. A day in which you must hold on to life by your teeth.
I believe that refreshing ourselves is even more important as we . . . Ah, but is not this a glorious time for your deep inward fires? And
get older and sameness looms on the horizon. One reason why people will not your green hickory and white oak burn clear in this frosty air?
 SENSUALITY ALONE 103
102 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF

Now is not your manhood taxed by the great Assessor?... A day when want to go. Perhaps you do not think much at all about your body;
you cannot pluck a flower, cannot dig a parsnip, nor pull a turnip, for jt is "over there" while the "real" you is "over here."
the frozen ground! What do the thoughts find to live on?2 Your image of your body affects your experience of it and your
use of it. If it is primarily a drag on you, out of shape, tired a lot, and
Contrast this description to a day in Thoreau's life in August of the unkempt, you will feel annoyed by it. In such cases, you are more
same year: likely to try to ignore your body, and in ignoring its needs, to abuse
it. If y u v i e w y u r body as a tool, you will tend it more carefully.
My heart leaps into my mouth at the sound of the wind in the woods. Because you realize how much you need them, you will take care of
I, whose life was but yesterday so desultory and shallow, suddenly your hands, your eyes, and your pitching arm.
recover my spirits, my spirituality, through my hearing. . . . For joy 1 Consider imagining your body as a wonderful toy. If you think
could embrace the earth; I shall delight to be buried in it... now I have about it this way, not only will you avoid abusing it, not only will you
occasion to be grateful for the flood of life that is flowing over me. I take the time to tend it, but you will also enjoy it. You will creatively
am not so poor: I can smell the ripening apples; the very rills are deep; explore its various sensualities. You will learn that different parts of
the autumnal flowers . . . feed my spirit, endear the earth to me, make your body have different sensations of touch and temperature. You
me value myself and rejoice. . . . I thank you, God. I do not deserve will figure out how to appreciate more fully the wonders of seeing,
anything, I am unworthy of the least regard; and yet I am made to of hearing, of smelling, of moving. A broad sensuality is flexible; as
rejoice ... the world is gilded for my delight and holidays are prepared
we go through the stages of life, we may need to compensate for the
for me, and my path is strewn with flowers.... Ah! I would not tread
loss of one sensuality with a gain in another. Being experienced and
on a cricket in whose song is such a revelation, so soothing and
cheering to my ear! Oh, keep my senses pure!3 enriched in all our senses will make this adaptation easier. The body
can be such a wonderful toy that even if we lose one or more of our
senses, the others can entertain us endlessly with new intensities and
Although we cannot change the seasons, we can be aware of
varieties of sensation.
their effects on our emotions and we can appreciate the different
sensualities they bringthe warmth and freedom of summer, the rest Another inhibitor to sensuality is our basic beliefs about touch.
and coziness of winter. Sometimes people who are alone say that they yearn to be held or
hugged. They suggest that when they spend much time alone, even
Another barrier to experiencing our sensuality fully is the image
a particularly warm handshake or a friendly touch becomes significant
we have of our own bodies. How would you describe your body? How
to them. Research has even suggested that human touch is related
do you see it? Experience it? Does it annoy you? Does it please you?
to the healing of disease. The touch of another human being, be it
Unfortunately, society is often the mirror in which we see ourselves.
nurturing or sensual or sexual, sometimes seems magical.
In our American culture, women and men who should be much less
No definitive research has been done that will give us guidelines
self-conscious dwell on their bodies. Women are concerned with as
to how much human touch we each need. Probably, as in most
weight and breast size. Men worry about their muscles, their hair, the tn
ings, the range of human need differs. We must each take responsi-
size of their penis. bility for discovering our own needs. This discovery is best done in
What is your body image? Some of us feel that our body is tlm
es of peace and emotional well-being, rather than in times of crisis:
something we drag around with us. When we are in a hurry, it cannot n
ugh it is in times of crisis that we may yearn to be held, it is in
move fast enough; it pleads to be fed and watered; it inconveniently lm
es of relative calm that we can realistically assess ourselves and
bleeds. Perhaps you think of your body mainly as a toolas hands Pr
epare ourselves for more difficult times.
that do work, arms that are strong, and feet that get you where yu
104 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF SENSUALITY ALONE 105

Our self-assessment should include all our senses, not touch All these avenues to touch are under your control. Through
alone. Though it may be touch we yearn for, often it is simply sensual them, you receive touch independently, without obligation by either
stimulation, of any sort in sufficient intensity and duration, that we party. They allow you to preserve your individuality and to
really need. Sensuality is an urn that can be filled with a blend of many strengthen it while still meeting your desire for contact.
pleasing oils, it can be filled to the top even though one particular oil At the same time, you may want to consider reducing your need
is not available. for touch. As we have already suggested, one way to do so is to make
If your other senses are well satisfied and yet you still yearn to sure that the vessel of your senses is filled. Another way is to chal-
be touched by another person, there are two courses to be taken, and lenge the belief that being physically contacted by others is a need.
perhaps, to be on the safe side, both should be pursued simulta- While being touched may be a need, this need is far from proven.
neously. On the one hand, you may guess that "Yes, I, for one, really Millions of people live happily without regular physical contact with
do have a need to be touched. Since I am alone, this is a problem." otherspeople who choose to live alone, such as the elderly, the
What are your alternatives? single, and the religious, and people who live in cultures in which
First, a caution. Do not seek to meet your need to be touched touch is simply infrequent. Many Americans have lived for long peri-
through a person of the opposite sex until you are satisfied that you ods without significant amounts of touchingin homes where touch-
ing is negligible, in college dormitories, in long periods spent concen-
can satisfy most of these needs yourself. This statement may seem
trating on work. Many are happy, satisfied individuals, for whom the
like a contradiction. However, since touch is so important to you, if
"need" for human touch is not an important influence.
you are very needy, you can be controlled by it in a relationship. Such
control often leads to disappointment and dependence for you at best, We must also challenge the primacy of the "need" to be touched
and to sexual exploitation and grief at worst. because it is intimately intertwined with the erroneous belief that we
Certainly there are ways for you to get your desires for touch must have a companion to be content. Touch and love inevitably go
together. The belief that we cannot exist without loving companion-
met apart from intimate relationships:
ship strengthens our belief that we cannot exist without touch from
Get a regular body massage. another.
Hug your friends, especially friends of the same sex. They When we are alone and are feeling lonely, the one thing we
may decide to hug back. cannot have, by definition, is companionship. When we are alone, we
Spend more time with little children. They love hugging and cannot, by definition, be actually touched by another. It is human
touching and are more needy of it themselves and more nature to focus on the problems of existence, rather than on its
willing to offer it to others. positives: Isn't it interesting that when we are alone we tend to focus
on the one thing that we cannot have, that is, companionship? It is
Make love to yourself. You are the person who knows how
natural, too, to focus especially on a wonderful part of companionship:
to touch you best. touch. Our focus is like that of a young child who, in a room full of
Go into therapy and ask for what you need: Get all the hugs dolls, wants the one doll, the only doll, that her little sibling is playing
you want and get held when you need to be held. (Find out with. We want most what we cannot have.
more about where these needs originate for you.) Will the hug keep you happy and healthyand unlonely? Maybe
Become a toucher yourselftouch people on the arm when 11
will. I adore Leo Buscaglia, the wonderful teacher who has spread
you talk to them. Touch family members more often. Be "Ugs from coast to coast, but I also believe that the mania for hugging
s
open when they reciprocate (and understanding if they don't-) ould be tempered. In earlier times in our society much was made
106 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF

of the shy smile. Love itself could be inferred by the touch of gloved
hands. In modern times it is the small child in us who keeps the wish
for hugs so vividly alive, and this child whithin can be nurtured ir,
8
I
other, more independent ways.

Making a Habit of Sensuality

Finding Solace
One way to know whether you are committed to a broad sensual-
ity is to recognize whether you are willing to spend time on it. You
enjoy the outdoors, but how often do you actually go there? Another Those that he loved so long and sees no more,
Loved and still loves,not dead, but gone before,
way to recognize your commitment is to see whether you are willing He gathers round him.
to spend money on it. You loved the massage you received as a gift, SAMUEL ROGERS (1763-1855), "Human Life"
but how often do you actually arrange one for yourself? You may love
art, but have you brought it into your home?
Sensual highs are all the more precious because they cannot be
remembered easily. You can recall activities (like ceremonies),
places, and personalities much more readily than you can your fleet-
ing feelings. One way to establish your commitment to sensuality 1
to write about it. Consider keeping a journal. Tapping your creativity
in this way will help you to remember and will encourage you to be A woman happily weeds her garden. A mechanic carefully lays
more aware of your sensual self on a daily basis. In your recording out his tools to begin the day's work. A man places stamps in his
be sensitive to the social taboos we all face in expressing our sensua collection. A child falls asleep clutching her tattered blanket. Can you
selves. Thoreau wrote things like "This is a delicious evening" 4 an( imagine what these people have in common? The woman and the
did not risk being banned from the local library. It is one thing for us mechanic are working, while the stamp collector is playing. The child
to experience all this great stuff; it is quite another to write it down is merely sleeping. At first glance, they all seem to be doing different
and worry about having it be discovered by Aunt Tillie or Uncle Cal. things. Yet in one important way, these people are actually having the
Still, with proper security precautions, the risk is worth it. Isn't same experience. If you could know what each of them is feeling, you
finding a little excitement part of what love is about? would realize that they are all experiencing a sense of peace and
connectedness. They are all experiencing that special sort of content-
ment that is called solace.
Notes Solace is the emotional experience of a soothing presence. In a
1. Sheldon B. Kopp, // You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him! (Ne# turbulent world solace calms us. In the face of adversity it gives us
York: Bantam Books, 1976), 187. composure. It reminds us to be contented when we are alone. Un-
2. Quoted in Joel Porte, Emerson and Thoreau: Transcendentalists in Co*'doubtedly, one of the reasons that people say they are lonely is the
a
flict (Middletown, Conn.: Wesleyan University Press, 1965), 145. bsence of solace in their lives. When you lack solace, you lack
3. Quoted in ibid., 146.
4. Henry David Thoreau, Walden (Boston: Houghton Mifflin Co., 1960), $
108 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF FINDING SOLACE 109

serenity. To live a life without solace is to live a life of denial and, capable of achieving it. Understanding the potency of solace in our
often, of despair. lives is the first step.
The solacing presence you experience may be an actual or a The technical term psychologists use for the process of solace
remembered one. A young girl who lies in her mother's arms experi- js transitional relatedness. Despite its pedantic sound, it is a good
ences the actual presence of maternal soothing. Her mother is helping term because it describes the way solace actually works in our lives.
her to accept her life as it is nownot the perfect life of the womb Solace is a straightforward process that all normal human beings
and of infancy, but the real world of dangers and challenges. The girl experience beginning in infancy. In their relationship with their moth-
is being comforted. Through solace she acquires an equanimity that ers, infants gain a sense of security and well-being. Psychoanalysts
suggest that the original psychological internalizations of the
helps her to face real life.
mother's soothing presence are unconscious. Psychologists practic-
A solacing presence can also come from a memory. An old man
ing within a cognitive behavioral framework believe that infants
who sits reading a book that was once valued by his father experi-
quickly learn to associate contentment with the presence of their
ences such a soothing memory. In his old age, even in the face of
mothers and that they soon learn to associate other objects, such as
death, the memory of being close to his father brings him a sense of a favored toy held while in their mother's presence, with this content-
timelessness and peace. ment. Later, as children separate physically and emotionally from
How likely is it that this soothing, which is so closely attached their mothers, the memory of the first soothing relationship is sym-
in our minds to a nurturing presence, can exist when other people are bolized by things in their environment. As they mature, children then
not close by? Does solace exist in the lives of people who are alone? make age-appropriate transitions from one soothing object to an-
The answer is that the potential for solace is within us, and each of other. All these soothing objects are called transitional objects. We
us can find and tap this potential. Indeed, we must find it, for knowing make such transitions as long as we livethroughout childhood,
solace is essential to achieving positive solitude. adolescence, and adulthoodkeeping solace alive in our inner world.
According to psychiatrist Paul Horton and others, solace is Thus, we can see that our relatedness to a soothing presence goes
evoked partly by our selves and partly by our experience of symbolic through transitions that allow us to experience solace even though
objects in our environment.1 On the one hand, solace comes from our we are alone.
actual experiences and memories. Almost all people who had normal
care as infants experience solacing memories as adults. These memo-
ries are usually of being with a parent or other close relative or of Examples in Childhood and Beyond
specific moments of great contentment. Adults have within them the
ability to soothe themselves with these memories. In the cartoon Peanuts, the character Linus always carries his
On the other hand, solace also comes from seeing or holding or treasured blanket. Linus is viewed as just a bit odd, but actually he
ls
otherwise experiencing those objects that have come to symbolize in the majority, for most normal children will identify soothing
tr
contentment in our lives. These objects do not necessarily conjure up ansitional objects. A child may choose a Teddy bear, a stuffed
an
specific memories, but they elicit in us the feeling of being soothed. imal, a nursery rhyme or song, a religious figure, an imaginary
Just having them near us is a pleasure. With a bit of effort, we all can companion, or even a scent or a texture. When the child outgrows
as
recognize objects that to us symbolize comfort and peace: jewelry oothing object, most often the object is carefully stored rather than
owned by your mother, a lamp your father used in college, a trophy "Town away. Then more age-appropriate objects are chosen. With
x
earned under the guidance of a beloved coach. Whether solace comes Perience, a person learns, unconsciously, that almost any object can
from memory or from an object, people who are alone are fuw ^ a soother. In this way, for example, as psychiatrists point out, a
110 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF FINDING SOLACE 111

musical piece like Beethoven's Fourth Symphony can be experienced and sensitivities. If any other person changes the object, he violates
as much more than a technical masterpiece. Listening to it can the cardinal rule that the object should be creatively chosen by the
become a highly personal and meaningful event, an experience that owner. A fierce individual independence on this score not only shows
is unique and solacing to the individual listener.2 itself early in childhood, but probably persists throughout life.
Again, experiencing solace through both memories and symbolic Psychiatrist Paul Horton has written one of the most insightful
objects is normal. It is the person who purports not to need anybody and practical books on solace. In it, he cites many adult examples of
or anything, whether from his or her past, present, or future, who is transitional objectsart, religion, sailboating, a spouse, one's own
abnormal. Such unfortunates become "wrapped in [their] separate- creative writing, and the symbol of the magic carpet. From his prac-
ness as though an insulator."3 They experience not positive solitude, tice of psychotherapy, he also clearly explains how the transitional
but a desolate solitude. One wonders just how the childhood of such object can be important in our lives.4 For example, he tells of an
a person differs from that of normal children. Is such a child consist- eleven-year-old boy who was admitted to a pediatric service for uri-
ently deprived of his favorite blankets and toys to "toughen him up"? nary tract infections, but who seemed not to respond to family visits
Was his belief in Santa Claus and other soothing illusions squelched or toys. The boy was withdrawn and sometimes tearful. When he
too early by perhaps well-meaning parents? Whatever the cause, such cried, he told the psychiatrist that he was thinking of his stamp
a child learns to turn away from solace, setting himself up for intense collection. He had worked on this collection extensively with his
alienation in later life. In Citizen Kane newspaper mogul Charles grandmother, who had died when he was nine, and whom he saw as
Foster Kane (Orson Welles) was toughened up all right, as his ruth- especially nurturing. "My mother was always having a baby . . . my
less lies and personal life demonstrated to all who were close to him. grandmother gave us warm cereal." The psychiatrist requested that
But the key to his life was symbolized by a transitional object, an the collection be brought to the boy in the hospital. Because the
object of solace that he never gave away: his boyhood sled named collection had not seemed important to the child during the past year,
Rosebud. Because he was deprived as a child, Kane never made the parents doubted it would be of use. However, when the collection
healthy psychological transitions to objects that could provide solace was brought, the child shed his depression and began to show interest
for him in adulthood. Fervently murmured by the great newspaper in other toys.
mogul on his deathbed, "Rosebud" was the symbol of the emotional The same kinds of transitions occur in adult life. In one of
life Kane had forever buried. Horton's cases, a professor recalled a series of transitional objects
In early childhood a typical example of solace is attachment to during his life: a Teddy bear; several blankets, each of which became
some precious object, such as a blanket or a scrap of material. How- the lining for the next; music, including songs he recalled from the
ever, it is not always easy to predict just what object, or what it is age of five; a mystical experience, which occurred at a point where
about an object, that a child finds solacing. It may be the sight of the his mother was unwilling to console him; fantasies of an ideal woman,
object itself, or it may be its color, its texture, or its smell. Children to be wooed through his musical talents; additional mystical experi-
have definite, persistent attachments to an object and will express ences related to family tragedies; and, finally, more music.
their emotions most vehemently when the object is removed or lost Transitions from one solacing object to another become increas-
Any parent who has been so unenlightened as to wash the favored ^gly sophisticated, until it is not a simple matter to detect what object
object, thus removing some essential quality like scent, knows this ttla
y be transitional for a particular adult. Anything can be used:
attachment first hand. Unfortunately, often no substitute object can c
'cks, books, a globe, persons, paperweights, baseball games, music,
replace the one chosen by the child. The choice of solacing objects Petry, and colors. When several years ago, I visited a dear friend
is highly personal, based on an individual's unique set of experience8 ho lives in the country and keeps sheep, she ranted about having
 FINDING SOLACE 113
112 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF

to chase the sheep all over the countryside when they escaped er al challenges that are unique to people who are alone. The most
which was just about daily. Late that summer, after sending them off obvious issue is that, like everyone else, people who live alone may
to be butchered, she swore never again to keep such dumb animals. hold the mistaken belief that soothing comes primarily from other
But last time I visited her, there were more sheep! I suspect that for people, rather than from their own internal resources and experi-
my friend her sheep are transitional objects, a reminder of the farm ences. Since they are alone, moreover, they may be especially prone
she grew up on, with its herds of cattle. Today, on her seven-acre to falling into the loneliness trap that says: "I can solve my problem
rural lot, merely having kids, cats, dogs, and two huge gardens is not only through other people, and since I am alone this is impossible,
enough. They don't evoke the full sense of the farm she grew up on. and so I am helpless." They may yearn for solace from others so
strongly that they are hardly in touch with the reality that solace is
And so she has sheep!
at their own personal command.
Which brings me to an important point. The choice of solacing
Another problem is that individuals who are alone may be less
objects is not always wise. We must remember that the choice is
likely, on a daily basis, to see others who are themselves experiencing
emotional, not rational. A particularly widespread and unwise object
the phenomenon of solace. For example, they do not live with a child
of solace is television watching. Today generations of people have
who clearly gains great pleasure from dragging around a battered old
been conditioned throughout childhood and adolescence to "relax" in
doll. They do not vicariously experience the solace a spouse gets
front of the television. As very young children, they lay in front of it
from collecting stamps. Thus, they are not reminded that it might feel
clutching their favorite blankets or toys. Later they ate in front of it,
good to wear their favorite old shirt when they are in a blue mood.
and they probably watched it alongside their parents. Favorite pro-
They are not reminded of the simple pleasure that seeing solacing
grams and music from childhood television become solacing to them
objects can bring to them.
as adults. This sort of transitional relatedness is to be expected and,
Do we need really to be reminded? Absolutely. As adults it is so
depending on the type of programs watched, may not be a problem.
easy to get caught up in "important" thingsour work, our friends,
But, more profoundly, watching television itself may become the
our exercise. We fall into the routine of spending our timeof orga-
solacer. Psychologically, television is Mom. Because solace is an
nizing it, filling it, making it productiveand thus we ignore emo-
emotional rather than a rational experience, as adults one of the
tional needs.
things we should do to nurture ourselves is to examine the wisdom
A related problem is that in our consumer society we are often
of our choice of solacers.

Finding Solace When Alone

I tempted to buy new furniture, new housewares, new clothesin
short, to show off a bit. Old comforts and objects may often get
crowded out of our modern life, and with them goes our solace.
Solace is common to all who have had normal parenting as Because it is easy to forget the human importance of solace, for
infants, and for adults it is a natural ability that we have within People who are alone it may be especially useful to identify some
ourselves. There is no reason to believe that normal people who symbols of solace, perhaps some very old ones, and to place them in
happen to be alone have any greater or any weaker ability than do obvious places where they will serve as reminders.
others to have solacing memories or to value solacing objects. Nor Still another challenge comes from the fact that when you are
is there any reason to believe that normal people who happen to be alone, you may want to make a virtue out of what seems to be a
alone have any more or any less innate need for solace than others necessity. You may deny your emotional needs, becoming especially
re
sistant to the idea of the need for solace. Such resistance probably
do. 0r
iginates in the American belief in individualism. From childhood
Nevertheless, the desire to experience solace does create sev-
114 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF FINDING SOLACE 115

onward, you are taught to "stand on your own two feet" and "stand gnd then your husband dies or leaves you, you will suddenly become
up for yourself (yet not to be alone or to enjoy being alone!). Men bereft of important solace in your life. When a solacing person-object
are indoctrinated with the ideas of individualism more than women na s been lost through divorce or other means, short-term regression
are, though both are encouraged to be far more individualistic than to objects closer to earlier solace is healthy, since it allows the
are men and women of other modern cultures. Thus, when Americans individual to "recharge" his or her self-solacing abilities. For most
are introduced to the ideas of solace, which involve a certain kind of people, solace takes many forms, and many forms of solace often
emotional dependence, it is natural for us to resist them. "I shouldn't remain, or can be developed, when one form is lost. The person who
need anyone or anything! I am free and independent" is our reaction. is alone needs to be especially cognizant of this fact and needs to
This attitude, so admirable in many respects, simply does not fully develop reliable solacers.
account for the emotional richness of human existence. A benefit for people who are alone is that solitude itself may be
In positive solitude the point is to fill our emotional needs our- solacing. Of course, people who are alone have more access to the
selves, not to deny them. Feedback that we give ourselves in the solace of solitude than do others. In this case I do not mean that when
form of emotions should be used, not ignored. The beliefs of positive you are alone you have more time and more ability to focus on
solitude should not be confused with such widespread slogans of remembered people and events, though this is also true. Rather, I
individualism as "Be tough," "Be strong," or "Stay loose." These mean that the act of being alone itself has meaning, and perhaps for
slogans really admonish us to be unemotional and insensitive, while you it symbolizes solace. If as a child your times alone were often
in positive solitude you want to be just the oppositesensitive to peaceful and contented, when you are an adult your times alone
other people's emotions and, most important, in touch with your own. should be reminiscent of those earlier times. When you were a chil#,
Some advocates of positive solitude may, in the Zen tradition, wish did you spend some of your times alone quietlyreading, being with
to control the emotions in their lives, but all will recognize their nature, or experiencing something beautiful? If so, you are fortunate
importance. Positive solitude is adamantly not a philosophy for escap- because solitude now can be solacing for you. Was a favored solacing
ing our emotions. Thus, ignoring the need for solace is not likely to object company to you at these times? If so, it can now remind you
make the need go away. The thing to do instead is to find the solace of your solacing solitudes. If, however, your times alone were filled
that does indeed exist in your life. with apprehensions and stress or with stimulants like television or
Sometimes people choose other people as solacing objects, and Nintendo, it may be more difficult for you now to find solace simply
when this is true, the person who is alone will obviously have some in being alone.
problems. It may be truethough to my knowledge there has been
no research to substantiate itthat human beings become solacing
The Value of Ritual
objects more readily than do objects. There is no reason to believe,
however, that when a person is a solacing object, he or she is any For many people ritual is an important source of solace. Rituals
more powerful as a solacing object than is, say, a treasured twenty- Provide recurring connections to the past and to the future. Especially
s
acre wood lot in the country. Human beings may have other charac- 'gnificant rituals, such as major holidays, ceremonies upon entrance
mt
teristics that enhance their attractiveness, but as solacing objects pef o adult life, and funerals often give participants a sense of timeless-
n
se, they are on a par with others. ess, of continuity in the face of human mortality. Less public rituals,
Su
Having another person as a solacing object has its pitfalls be- ch as family and household traditions, can be a way to remember
cause, unlike inanimate objects, people can easily go away. If yu "e best of the past and to build future memories. Of course, not all
married your husband because he reminded you of your loving father tuals are solacing. Ritual can also be a way of formalizing an event
116 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF FINDING SOLACE 117

to avoid intimate contacts. It can be a way of forgettingof filling u hoursall these acts may include solacing rituals. For people who are
time to avoid painful memories. alone, the household rituals remembered from earlier years may be
For people who are alone, rituals can pose various concerns. associated with family settings. Reenacting them may seem pointless
Major holidays can be difficult because they are designed primarily to and even painful. But such memories may become good ones. Al-
celebrate togetherness. Christmas and Thanksgiving, certainly, but though those times are past, there is much positive about them that
also New Year's Eve, Mother's Day, and Father's Day, all emphasize deserves to be remembered. Find the solacing spots in your home life
being with others. During these togetherness holidays, people who and build rituals around them. These rituals may be as simple as
are alone sometimes feel excluded or, at least, not included. As a treating yourself to fried potatoes every Sunday morning or tending
society we continue to emphasize these holidays partly because of a garden every spring. Some of the rituals may be old family ones
renewed; some may be of your own unique design. Whichever they
their commercial emphasis on gift giving. Alternative holidays cele-
may be, recognizing their contribution to the solace in your life is
brating the joys of individualism and positive solitude would not be
paramount.
likely to elicit our merchants' support! People alone need to recognize
the overwhelming emphasis on these togetherness holidays and to
treat them realistically. To avoid feelings of exclusion, one can find When Solace Is Threatened
a group that is truly inclusive. Singles may want to spend these
holidays with other singles or among people with similar interests These, then, are some of the special challenges in finding solace
(skiing or traveling, for instance). A more courageous choice, and one that people face when alone. Some additional problems arise in crisis.
more in line with a pure form of positive solitude, is to spend the Both people who are alone and people who are not alone should be
holiday alone. Being alone and trying simply to ignore the existence aware that certain life experiences threaten the loss of their transi-
of the holiday is likely to fail; the social influence all around you will tional abilities. Sometimes a person who is depressed "forgets" how
probably be too overwhelming. Rather, put your own holiday into the to use transitional relatedness. This forgetting may be caused by a
holiday, by directing some thought to creating a special time for severe disillusionment, such as might be experienced in combat, or
reflection, for beauty, for peace, for excitement, for learningfor with the death of one's mother. A continuing lack of success in finding
transitional objects may lead to deep discouragement. People have
whatever is meaningful to you.
compared this lack of relatedness to "a light having gone out" or "the
Another thing that people who are alone can do is to make a point
growing awareness of an inner void."5 It is not unlike what some
of emphasizing other kinds of holidaysthe timeless holidays instead
people call loneliness. The individual who experiences such a loss has
of the togetherness holidays. For example, the changing of the sea-
to find new memories and new symbols of solace. Doing so will take
sons is an excuse for a ritual that can be designed around yourself
tune. Sometimes, through therapy, one must extensively relearn tran-
I have known several individuals who make seasonal pilgrimages
sitional relatedness.
annually to beloved places. One goes each spring to a particular room
in a hotel on Cape Cod. Another goes hunting in the mountains during There are some things we can do to prevent or lessen the major
e
the same week every autumn. Your birthday is also a fine excuse fr motional trauma associated with the disturbance of our ability to find
s
a self-made, self-centered rituala solacing, centering time to look olace. It is logical, of course, to enhance your stability deliberately
forward to every year and an experience to look back upon with fof*" y recognizing and creating a variety of controllable sources of solace.
memories. s strategy suggests that you should pay particular attention to
Rituals also play a role in your everyday life. The way you ris* your needs for solace when your primary solacer is a person who can
e
in the morning, the way you work, the way you spend the twilig" lost to you. However, precious objects can also be lost. Through
118 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF

a fire, a daughter lost all the things she had kept in memory of her
deceased mother. She carefully replaced them, selecting things that
reminded her of her mother or that she knew her mother would have
wanted her to have.
9
Solace is an enduring and powerful force in our lives, whether
we are alone or are with others. One of the best protections of your
ability to be self-soothing is to maintain a close contact with your
The Challenge
childlike self. The child in us is freest when she or he knows that the
solacing parent in us is also powerful. Being able to play and to relax, of Laughter
instead of being perpetually overworking and vigilant, is an indication
of a solacing force at work in your life, one of the essential ways in
which we understand, and love, ourselves.
and Celebration
Notes
A merry heart doeth good like a medicine. Proverbs 17:22
1. I am indebted to Paul C. Horton for developing many of these basic
concepts in his book Solace, the Missing Dimension in Psychiatry (Chicago:
University of Chicago Press, 1981). Responsibility for the interpretation of these
ideas is, of course, my own.
2. P. C. Horton, J. Louy, and H. P. Coppolillo, "Personality Disorder and
Transitional Relatedness," Archives of General Psychiatry 30 (May 1974): 618-
22.
3. Horton, Solace, 147.
Merrimentthe very thought of it brings to mind children, holi-
4. Ibid., 108-9, 112, 119-21.
5. Ibid., 121. days, families, pubs, and parties. More than any other facet of life,
merriment is equated with togetherness. When we think of joy and
laughter, we seldom envision the person alone. Maybe we are even
incapable of that vision. Can you imagine the person alone enjoying
a good laugh at the dinner table? Maybe if the television is on.
Or the person alone skipping gleefully along a country path? We
would most likely think, "Where's the other person? No one else?
What is he, loony or something?" Merriment is difficult to imagine for
People alone, yet it is one of those pleasures that none of us wants
to
miss.
In recent years medical science has begun to accept the possibil-
120 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF THE CHALLENGE OF LAUGHTER AND CELEBRATION 121

ity that humor actually has healing properties. In a book investigating the feeling that the future need not be the subject of quite so much
this idea, physician Raymond A. Moody informs us: solicitude as is usually allowed for it.
The effect of laughter upon the mind not only brings relaxation
Over the years I have encountered a surprising number of instances with it, so far as mental tension is concerned, but makes it also less
in which, to all appearances, patients have laughed themselves back to prone to dread and less solicitous about the future. This favorable
health, or at least have used their sense of humor as a very positive effect on the mind influences various functions of the body and makes
and adaptive response to their illnesses. These remarkable recoveries them healthier than would otherwise be the case.
. . . have suggested to me the possibility that there may indeed be
something therapeutic about humor, just as folk belief has long assured A few years after he wrote his famous book on dreams, Sigmund
us.1 Freud wrote a lesser-known book on humor, laughter, and the comic.
In it, he asserted:
The most famous example of such healing is Norman Cousins's
self-treatment of a life-threatening collagen disease by immersing Humor has in it a liberating element. But it also has something fine and
himself in humor. Cousins reasoned that since negative thoughts have elevating . . . What is fine about it is the triumph of . . . the ego's
been shown to predispose a person to illness, positive thoughts might victorious assertion of its own invulnerability. It refuses to be hurt by
have a healing effect. Cousins equipped his hospital room, and later the arrows of reality or to be compelled to suffer. It insists that it is
a hotel room, with an extensive collection of funny videos, especially impervious to wounds dealt by the outside world, in fact that these are
"Candid Camera" reruns. He did recover. Today his idea is being merely occasions for affording it pleasure.5
widely explored and debated.
Smiling and laughing probably do cause us to feel better physi- Merriment, joy, laughter, humor. There is more than one good case
cally. When we smile, we contract some major muscles that influence for including them in our lives: Our health can be enhanced, our sense
the flow of blood to the brain. The result, as one scientist has put it, of well-being can be enhanced, even our self-hood can be enhanced.
is like taking an oxygen bath. Our cells and tissues receive an in- Laughter in America is closely related to spontaneity, to body
creased supply of oxygen that causes a feeling of exuberance.2 language, and to a sense of personal freedom. In our country it is
Smiling and laughing also may make us feel better psychologi- common to relate our joy with a loud, expressive guffaw, or merry
cally. Having a sense of humor allows patients to cope better with chatter, or broad movements. Yet though it is characteristically Amer-
their pain.3 It helps all of us to deal better with our problems. The >can to laugh out loud, even here we should expect variations among
ability to laugh at ourselves, at key figures in society, and at society individuals in the types of stimuli that make them laugh, in the expres-
S]
at large all allow us to accept the vagaries of life. If we are this on of that laughter, and in the very sensations that humor produces
ridiculous and yet have muddled along this far, we console ourselves, 'n individuals. If you are not laughing out loud, perhaps you are
perhaps things will turn out all right after all. An early book on humor kughing inside.
and healing put it this way:
Laughing Alone
The best formula for the health of the individual is contained 1"
the mathematical expression health varies as the amount of laugh" The easiest path to merriment is with other people. Laughter is
Cr
ter. . . . eated between people playing off each other in their conversations
Laughter makes one expansive in outlook and is very likely to give ^d interactions. Even laughter about nothing in particular can be
122 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF THE CHALLENGE OF LAUGHTER AND CELEBRATION 123

contagious, passed from person to person merely because one person feel odd about your behavior. Whether together or alone, learn to
begins to laugh. In a laughter workshop I attended, all the participants accept laughter as a normal part of your life.
lay in a big circle, each with his or her head on the next person's Henry David Thoreau described a solitary wood chopper who
stomach. One person started the game by saying "Ho, Ho," and each visited him at Walden, a man who exemplified and symbolized spon-
was to add a "Ho." Between the hos and the giggles from feeling the taneous joy: He was "so quiet and solitary and so happy withal; a well
next person's head bouncing on your stomach, we were all giggling of good humor and contentment... overflowed at his eyes. His mirth
in no time. was without alloy. Sometimes I saw him at his work in the woods,

For people alone, finding opportunities to experience joy and felling trees, and he would greet me with a laugh of inexpressible
satisfaction. . .. When I approached him he would suspend his work,
laughter is more challenging. Singles face the rejection I already
and with half-suppressed mirth lie along the trunk of a pine which he
alluded to, the stigma placed on them when, unaccompanied by an-
had felled, and, peeling off the inner bark, roll it up into a ball and chew
other person, they openly express laughter and joy. People give them
it while he laughed and talked. Such an exuberance of animal spirits
odd looks when they are caught "laughing to themselves." Given this
had he that he sometimes tumbled down and rolled on the ground
social reaction, you may wonder about your own sanity when you are
with laughter at anything which made him think and tickled him."7
alone. Talking to yourself is definitely considered eccentric. Laughing Charming as he is, this character is unusual. Typically when you are
to yourself may be perceived as the next worse thing. alone, more of your laughter will be inward. When you are with
To the extent that people who are alone spend more time at others, the external expression of your merriment is reinforced by
work, their lives may be more filled than average with the serious them. In a humorous situation, you catch someone's eye and it is
details of the business world. They may be in special need of the balm difficult not to laugh. When you are alone you are more likely to feel
of humor. Author Louise Bernikow notes that career women seem amused without showing it or by showing it only slightly.
especially to want men with a sense of humor. Perusing a file of In developing a personalized sense of humor, the person alone
applications to a dating service, she observed that most women did does have some advantages. Humor in America is often homoge-
not want to be dependent on men and did not want men to take care nized. Sitcoms, monologues, and cartoons are all designed for the
of them or to provide them with any particular identity. What they widest possible audience. They are all right for what they are, but the
did want was fun, something very different from what they experi- individual alone has the time and focus to be sensitive, in addition, to
enced every day on the job.6 It is a safe guess that men who are alone personal quirks. Search not for what the jokesters in Hollywood think
need the same thing. is funny, but for what you think is funny. The person alone has more
To enjoy laughter, the person who is alone must contend with time to read and to develop this individualistic taste for humor.
these problems. The first and most important step is to commit Through reading, especially, we enrich our native abilities to gain
yourself to having laughter and joy when you are alone. It should be Perspective on a situation and to make light of it.
possible to do so whether you are totally alone, as in your own home* Another advantage for the person who is alone is a predisposi-
or whether you are alone in some social context. To experience joy tion to peak experiences, that kind of internal laughter that is the joy
and laughter is natural for every human being. It is your right, too. f total focus. Solitude is a major contributor to the creation of the
to experience them on your own terms. If you laugh out loud and Peak experience, one of the prime characteristics of what Abraham
someone looks at you in askance, consider it their problem. More Maslow termed the self-actualized individual.
often than not, it will be your joy, rather than your craziness, that wil> Nevertheless, the person who is alone needs to pay special
at
t-each others. And if you are alone when you laugh, you should no* tention to creating situations that will encourage merriment. For
 THE CHALLENGE OF LAUGHTER AND CELEBRATION 125
124 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF

one day while we were in a creative artisans' shop, and on my

one thing, laughter is not likely to blossom when you are tir_
birthday, my thoughtful friend presented me with this great ugly
depressed, or otherwise physically low. You will be more predisposed
thing I had admired there. It is a casserole with a droopy, mean
to laughter if you are energized and aroused. Keeping in good physi-
dragon on the top for a handle; when you put the top on over hot
cal shapeeating well, exercising regularly, getting enough sleep
food, steam comes out of the dragon's mouth. I often put flowers in
will provide the healthy medium in which laughter can grow.
Dragon's mouth and serve mushrooms from its belly. I adore it, but
Creating a "humor environment" is another possibility. For an
I could never have bought it.
experiment designed to test whether merriment promotes social
Another strategy is knowing amusing and joyful people who can
harmony, a group of British researchers created just such an environ-
give you models to emulate when you are alone. It is not so much
ment.8 Among other things, they left silly toys around, decorated with
that you will consciously copy them, but that laughter is contagious,
printed cartoons and jokes, provided clothing and masks, and piped
and you will remember it. Fun people can be found in many churches,
in amusing sound effects. A visit to this environment did, indeed,
dance groups, personal-development classes, and clubs. You know
improve people's spirits. Put some fun and amusement into your
them because true joy emanates from them; you experience their
environment via amusing videos, a daily joke calendar, bathtub toys
centeredness, and even radiance, when in their company. It is won-
for adults, creative clothing, or funky art.
derful to have a joyful person as a therapist. Some therapists are
As adults we tend to decorate our living space for beauty and
serious and heavy-handed, even though one of the more powerful
attractiveness. Yet, whimsy also deserves our attention. Not long
tools of their trade is the modeling of positive emotions.
ago, while house-sitting for six weeks in the apartment of strangers,
Humor that is meaningful to you is humor that is most likely to
I developed quite an affection for the taste of my hostess and host.
stay with you. Meaningful humor usually touches your life directly.
Their stuff was wonderful. The kitchen was full of charming cups and
As a college professor, I tend to be touched by jokes that point out
vessels. The plates were either beautifully crafted or had little people
professorial foibles. I can learn about my own rigidities from these
and animals crawling on them. In the living room, among the serious
jokes, and I can experience the sense of human control that comes
books and antiques and modern furniture, were a three-dimensional
from surviving in spite of my own absurdity. When I experience such
cutout of a white pig and a troll-like thing with a wide-open mouth and
humor, I not only laugh, I know. Such laughter is much more central
ridiculous stubby arms outstretched. The bedroom door sported a
to my life than, say, the laughter I experience during the average TV
clay face with a yawning mouth on a sock for collecting spare change.
sitcom. The latter also fills the feedback gap and is worth pursuing
Everywhere I went in the apartment there were amusementstiny
as part of a program to increase your fun, but I don't believe that it
wooden figures on a pedestal to pick up and admire, a precious doll,
should be a steady diet. One of the reasons the "Candid Camera" TV
delicate laquer-ware cups, silly little wooden animals whose heads
series was so popular was that it portrayed the foibles of real people.
wobbled, Kliban pot holders (the Chefcat flipping mice and cheese in
We viewers could see the true ironies and absurdities in our human
a pan), mobiles, and plants. The piece de resistance was in the bath-
condition. These kinds of humor that allow us to gain perspective on
tuba plastic whale you wound up by pulling on a fish that came out
ourselves and our lives are the most healing kinds. Not only do they
from its mouth; as you let the fish go in the water, the whale gobbled
8ive us the physiological boost that all healthy laughter gives, but they
the little fish back up.
8ive us the psychological boost as well.
I especially appreciated this apartment because I myself atf
1
not good at collecting the funky. I keep trying, but either I don
buy it because it's too silly or I buy something else because it lS
practical. I shared this frustrating weakness with a friend of mine
126 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF THE CHALLENGE OF LAUGHTER AND CELEBRATION 127

Celebrating Alone quired a number of positive solitude skills like sensuality and decision-
making. You need to be able to eat alone happily. Know some individ-
Surely one of the most challenging things to do alone is to
ual sportsgolf, windsurfing, biking, fishing. Be willing to celebrate
celebrate. Holidays, special events, and personal successes all tradi-
a beautiful sunset even though no one else is doing so. Be able to put
tionally call for high energy and laughter. Doing them alone requires some variety in your days. When you return, be prepared to deal with
careful attention and practice. people who think of vacation primarily in terms of socializing with
I once deliberately spent Thanksgiving Day alone: my first posi- other people. Take lots of photos and keep a journal, and relive your
tive solitude Thanksgiving. What a wonderful time! I bought a turkey vacation through them rather than through someone else.
and all the trimmings exactly as I like them, and I enjoyed preparing Bringing laughter and celebration into our lives is a definite plus.
the meal for myself. I smelled the delicious turkey cooking all that When you are alone, you need to devote to them an extra bit of
morning. I put a great bottle of white wine in the freezer so there forethought, and not a little creativity, but you can certainly have
would be just the beginning of ice when I opened it. I set a beautiful them in your life.
table. When I sat down to eat around one o'clock, I had already spent
a considerable amount of time reflecting on the meaning of Thanks-
giving, and this special Thanksgiving for me. I counted many bless- Notes
ings and remembered many happy times. I saluted new adventures 1. Raymond A. Moody, Jr., Laugh after Laugh: The Healing Power of Humor
to come. I drank half a bottle of wine and ate a terrific meal, capped (Jacksonville, Fla.: Headwaters Press, 1978), xi-xii.
by pumpkin pie from the best bakery of pumpkin pies that I have ever 2. Robert B. Zajonc, "Emotion and Facial Efference: An Ignored Theory
found. I recalled with tears friends and loved ones now gone. I Reclaimed," Science, April 5, 1985: 15-21.
thought about Thanksgivings in the future. Then I took a delicious, 3. Mark Zborowski, People in Pain (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 1979).
deep nap. 4. James J. Walsh, Laughter and Health (New York: D. Appleton & Co.,
1928), vii, viii, xi, 127.
I didn't have Aunt Harriet and Uncle Mike. I didn't have merry
5. Sigmund Freud, quoted in Moody, Laugh after Laugh, 114-15.
greetings at the door and a house full of guests. I didn't have conver- 6. Louise Bernikow, Alone in America (Boston: Faber & Faber, 1986), 91.
sation with anyone but myself. But for what Thanksgiving is about, 7. Henry David Thoreau, Walden (Boston: Houghton Mifflin Co., 1960),
I had it all. The point is that I planned it that way. I knew that if I 101.
spent Thanksgiving alone without a celebration, I could feel deprived, 8. S. G. Brisland etal, "Laughter in the Basement," in Anthony J. Chapman,
so I figured out what it is about Thanksgiving that matters to me, and ed., It's a Funny Thing, Humor (New York: Pergamon Press, 1977). Noted in
I made sure it happened. Moody, Laugh after Laugh, 104-5.

Vacationing Alone
Going on vacation alone is another challenge. When you are
alone, vacations, like holidays, must be carefully planned in the psy-
chological sense. You cannot simply adopt the norms that are fol-
lowed by couples and families (is it uncharitable to add "Thank good-
ness!")? To enjoy yourself on a vacation alone, you have to adopt a
different mindset than do others around you. It is best to have ac-
 10
Feeling Lonely in a Crowd:
Alienation at Work
Old friends seemed to fade away. It wasn 't in my makeup to work at
building friendships in or out of business hours.
An entrepreneur,
quoted in DAVID E. GUMPERT and DAVID P. BOYD,
"The Loneliness of the Small-Business Owner"

It may never have occurred to you that you can experience

loneliness at work. You probably think of loneliness primarily in terms
of your personal relationships (or lack of them), and you associate it
with the bad feelings you sometimes have when you are physically
alone. Often loneliness at work is harder to recognize than is loneli-
ness in your personal life simply because you work in the company
of others. You see people interacting with each other throughout the
workdayyou interact with them, tooand no one seems lonely. The
feedback gap seems to be filled.
Yet it is important to reflect a bit on this idea of feeling lonely
^ a crowd because a common place to feel lonely in a crowd is at
work. Even though others nearby seem to have the potential to fill
your feedback gap, you can feel depressed and sad in their company.
 FEELING LONELY IN A CROWD: ALIENATION AT WORK 131
130 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF

For some reason you do not thrive on the feedback that comes from months and years of unfulfilling activity; or that your relationships at
them. Perhaps their input is meaningless to youthese are not peo- work are superficial.
ple you particularly care about. Or you may not be ready for their Because you are busy, you may simply not have considered that
feedback because it is not really the kind of feedback you want right there are better ways to fill the feedback gap. Most people hope to
now. Being lonely in a crowd is especially difficult for people who do live meaningful lives. They want to grow and to develop themselves,
not understand the principle of the feedback gap: If you erroneously to enjoy the world around them, to contribute to the well-being of
believe that togetherness should heal your loneliness and if you still their family and friends, to alleviate the distress that they see around
feel lonely even when company is clearly available, you will blame them in their communities and in the world. But it seems to most of
yourself for your sadness. Clearly, such self-blame will not increase us, too, that there is always a lot of business to be accomplished.
your positive solitude. Sometimes we let this business dominate our daily lives. Busy people
may get sidetracked from their life goals.
We cannot forget, either, that business is also about making
Alienation at Work money. In our capitalist society a primary goal of a business is to
It is sometimes hard to get in touch with the fact that you are create as much money as possible so that the people who earn it can
feeling lonely in a crowd, and it is especially difficult at your job. Many then use it to pursue meaningful lives. Unfortunately, to earn their
of us put on our business role along with our business suit, hiding our living, many people do work that is otherwise meaningless to them,
true selves and our true feelings, even from ourselves. Sometimes and if anything in life is a challenge, it is spending eight hours every
day putting off who you really are. It is hard to put off really living
the role you play is so habitual that you do not recognize your own
until you receive your paycheck, to put off meeting your own needs
loneliness. Yet, there are many reasons why, in the business environ-
until the office closes. When you do work that is personally meaning-
ments in which we work, people often fail to receive the feedback that
less, you can easily become lonely for yourself. In a job that has little
they need.
meaning to you, for as many hours a day as you work you will be split
The word business itself is derived from the Anglo-Saxon word
off from yourself. You will become one more alienated worker.
bysig, which means "to be occupied and/or diligent." Business actu-
ally does mean busynessfilling the feedback gap with activity. Some In fact, one of the biggest problems in business today is the
business is fulfilling, and some is not. As we have already seen, filling creation of meaningful work. Everyone knows that too many jobs are
the feedback gap indiscriminatelyas with popular music or with dull or stressful, but often the jobs cannot be changed without hinder-
ing productivity.
meaningless television programsleads to increasing your loneli-
ness rather than to reducing it. Busyness, activity merely for its own American businesses have not done a good job of encouraging
sake, is counterproductive to self-fulfillment. Many people know this People to find the meaning that does exist in their work. Yet, if you
intuitively. Americans' intense interest in entrepreneurship and small believe in your company's mission and your own job contributes to
that mission, no matter what your job is, it is important. Every job
business is one indication of people's strong need to find meaningful
that contributes to the welfare of the company is valuable. Whether
work for themselves.
t is as an accountant or janitor, production worker or president, each
The detrimental effects of busyness are usually subtle. Keepii e
niployee is necessary for the smooth functioning of the whole. But
busy can keep you preoccupied and superficially happy. You rn w
e Americans seldom point this fact out. In our business culture we
recognize only vaguely that the work you do is meaningless to y( ei
nphasize competition, rather than cooperation, and we measure
personally; or that because you are so busy, you are accumulatu
132 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF FEELING LONELY IN A CROWD: ALIENATION AT WORK 133

personal value by the amount of money that is made. In the end, the jre primarily employees, and it is sometimes difficult to fill the feed-
contribution of the guy who makes a lot of money turns out to be back gap in meaningful ways when you are working for someone else.
"meaningful," while the contribution of the guy who makes only a Mo longer are we a nation of independent farmers and small business-
little money does not. Besides, our attitude is that the little guy can people. Working in a modern corporation, people have less control
easily be replaced. No wonder it is difficult for many people to enjoy over the type of work they do, the scheduling of their time, and the
their jobsjobs whose meaning to the company is often obscure and design of their personal surroundings. They have little say as to what
in which their own goals, the meanings they wish to pursue, are the overall goals of the company will be.
certainly not important. Of course, you can choose what type of company to work for.
Contrast this situation to that of the Japanese, who often empha- Often today companies are too large and bureaucratic to offer mean-
size to all employees the importance of their jobs. Japanese compa- ingful work to most of their employees, so you can choose a smaller
nies have recently achieved a measure of fame for sending employees firm. You can choose a company whose product you believe to be
to so-called hell camps that train them in harsh discipline and company important or useful. Working as a receptionist for a company that
loyalty through long hours of physical exertion and even deprivation. makes a product you like (good food, sports gear, or books) may be
Less known is how each employee at these camps is taught to believe better, emotionally speaking, than working as a manager for a com-
in the importance of his or her personal contribution to the whole. In pany that makes a product that you believe to be harmful (cigarettes).
one instance, the employees at a camp were sent into the town Also, you can choose to join a management team that you respect.
around the training center to beg for menial work for the day. If they Unfortunately, companies usually change without consulting
found work that was too challenginglike bartendingthe trainers their employees. The company may grow so large that your own job
made them move on to something less interesting, like sweeping. At seems small and unimportant. Or the company may simply change its
the end of the day, the students reconvened to discuss their work. mission, assuming that employees' jobsyour jobmust change to
All felt grateful for the opportunity to help someone out. They had meet the company's new goals. You may accidentally end up in a job
enjoyed their work because they had made useful contributions, how- that is no longer meaningful to you.
ever small, to the companies that had "hired" them. Of course, the Companies design their reward systems to increase the behav-
trainers urged the employeesmost of whom were beginning a bank- iors that they want. At the same time, all companies suppress, in the
ing career at the entry-level job of tellerto remember these feelings sense that they fail to reward, behaviors that are not directly in line
whenever they get bored in their work: All work, even if it is simple with their own goals. They are not being malevolent or even
and not well paid, contributes to the general welfare of the company nianipulative. Companies are merely being rational in pursuing then-
and its people, and, if you adopt this attitude, even menial tasks can goals. However, rewarding all or even most of your individual goals,
be done with joy.1 talents, and ideas is not in the company's plan, and it never will be.
Why is there alienation at work? One reason is that today work Most likely, you will be rewarded in relation to how well you meet
has become highly specialized, a fact that has enhanced productivity such corporate goals as producing profits or increasing sales or taking
but reduced psychological satisfaction. A legal secretary may prepare n additional responsibilities. Sometimes your monetary rewards will
ev
the forms for a case but never meets the client. A doctor sees a en be high. But typically, a company will not think of you, or treat
you
patient only for a few minutes and, often, focuses on only one particu- , as a whole human being. It will ignore large chunks of who you
lar part of the patient's body. Both workers know that their job is less ^maybe even your creativity, your values, and your initiative,
meaningful than it might be because they are not seeing it through- kvery person has to ask herself or himself whether the feedback she
Another reason for alienation is that in modern times workers r he gets at work fills the feedback gap well enough. Does it really
 FEELING LONELY IN A CROWD: ALIENATION AT WORK 135
134 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF

further your career? Your life goals? Does it make you feel good about your career. For example, they might sympathetically mention to
yourself? Does it make you feel good to be alive? someone that you are concerned about a serious health problem in
The individual for whom there is a close match of company y0ur familythus, through the inevitable grapevine, alerting the
rewards and personal goals is, indeed, fortunate. Sadly, many employ, management to your family's tendency toward heart disease. At a
ees don't find such a match. Because companies reward only a small certain age, this information could squelch your chances for promo-
portion of their potential, these workers feel alienated. tion.
One especially important cause of personal alienation on the job If you have puzzled over your inability to make real friends on
is the inability to express your own moral convictions. Today this area the job, consider that these pressures make intimacy especially dif-
of business concern is receiving a lot of media attention, without, ficult in the workplace. Sadly, being with people all day and not getting
unfortunately, causing much real change. Most companies do not close to them will increase your alienation.
solicit individual employees' opinions on such moral issues as divest-
ment of investments in South Africa or the impact of the company on Burnout
the environment. You will not be encouraged to express your opin-
ions, and if you do express them you may face punishment. It is not A variant of job alienation is burnout. Burnout is the kind of
often that you, the whole person, can really contribute to your com- loneliness you feel when your job requires you to act one way even
pany's ideas. It is typically the top management's or the stockholders' though you really feel differently. You burn out when you are forced
by circumstances to match your behaviors to the demands of the
ideas of morality that dominate.
situation, rather than being allowed to express your true feelings and
In our society you are, technically at least, free to leave any
beliefs. Burnout is actually worse than filling the feedback gap with
particular job. However, this freedom is often illusory. Leaving a job
merely meaningless activities because you are filling it with behaviors
is not as easy as it sounds. If you have roots in the community or if
you actively disagree with and do not want to do.
you are older or narrowly skilled or otherwise difficult to place, you
There are many situations in which burnout may occur. Some-
will have a hard time finding new work. Economic recessions can
times people are forced to hide their emotions as, for example, when
affect even the most skilled. Thus, many of us are forced to stay and
they feel they must be nice for a while to a customer whom they
to try to cope with our alienation. We must live with a feedback gap
detest. In other instances a person has to put on an act every minute,
every working day.
all day. For example, a waitress must seem polite, positive, and
Some people try to reduce their alienation at work by making
energetic even if she happens to be feeling surly, negative, and tired.
friends in the workplace. Unfortunately, loneliness at work is often
A funeral attendant may be feeling happy, funny, and expressive, but
complicated, rather than helped, by the kinds of friendships you will
he has to appear grave and subdued.
discover there. Sometimes it is difficult to make truly close friends
If the difference between how people actually feel and how they
at work because the intense competition in your company will keep
are forced to act on the job is large or if they must control themselves
people apart. When promotions, salary, and interesting jobs are in
ver a long time, they burn out to a point of depression or anger.
scarce supply, being in competition with your friends is bound to
Burnout is especially likely to occur if they disagree that the job really
weaken some relationships. You develop "business friendships," but
Squires them to put on an act. For instance, whether a flight atten-
you seldom find the kind of intimacy in which you share a great deal
dant should be required to be polite to an obnoxious passenger is a
of yourself.
Matter of considerable debate between attendants and management.
Also, it makes sense to be wary of intimate on-the-job friend-
Of course, all jobs require emotional control. This is normal and
ships. Close friends at work may seriously, even if inadvertently, hurt
136 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF FEELING LONELY IN A CROWD: ALIENATION AT WORK 137

expected. Disney world is famous for creating a dual world of "on This woman is breaking the unspoken rules about how she should act
stage" and "off stage" for its employees. On stage includes any time emotionally on the job, and she is annoying her customers in the
the employees are in contact with the public. Off stage exists in process. Her alienation from herself is a threat to her employer, and
employee-only areasthe system of tunnels that underlies Dis- it is a danger to her, for it may lead to both emotional and physical
neywcrld. When an employee is on stage, he or she is expected not health problems.
just to do a job, but to play a role. An employee handbook suggests: Authorities believe that even smiles faked in good faith can lead
to health problems. Psychologist Christina Maslach has pointed this
First, we practice a friendly smile at all times with our guests and out in her work with burned-out professionals.7 The worst problems
among ourselves. Second, we use friendly, courteous phrases. "May occur in the helping professions. Burnout happens often among
I help you." . . . "Thank you." . . . "Have a nice day." . . . "Enjoy the nurses, mental health workers, and physicians. It also occurs among
rest of your stay," and many others are all part of our daily working educators of all ranks, and it is significant among people who work
vocabulary. [Walt Disney Productions, 1982]2 in service positions, including salespeople, judges, and referees. The
social worker who must extend empathy to every client clearly be-
At McDonald's, desirable traits for people who greet customers in- lieves that the client needs the empathy. Yet she does not always feel
clude sincerity, enthusiasm, confidence, and a sense of humor.3 For empathy for every client, nor does she personally feel empathic in
the team that designed the Macintosh computer, Apple Computer every session. The flight attendant who does believe that he should
chose only those people who expressed great enthusiasm about smile at customers all the timeand sometimes slipsis in a similar
working on the machine.4 dilemma.
The question is how to distinguish between acceptable and Burnout occurs to some extent in all jobs. You may feel that you
stress-producing roles. At the Mary Kay Ash cosmetics company, have to smile at the boss even though you are angry with him. You
salespeople are expected to sing cheerily, "I've got the Mary Kay are polite to a lazy co-worker even though you are furious at her
Enthusiasm" and to take a vow of enthusiasm. The total emotional because you have had to do her work. Whatever the extent of your
commitment required can alienate an employee. Quashing their true alienation from your emotions, it will affect your well-being. When
thoughts and feelings, employees work hard to accept their own you feel helpless to change the norms for emotional expression in
acting. Some learn to rationalize their faked enthusiasm as "just part your job, you may become depressed. You may become angry at the
of the job." Other employees, however, are not as successful at system or at yourself. Your self-esteem suffers.
adapting. They may not believe that their continual smiles should be Most drastically, when you cannot express yourself in your
part of the job. These employees fake their smiles in bad faith,5 and work, you may develop the habit of not expressing your true emo-
they are troubled by not being in touch with themselves. They burn tions at all, whether inside or outside the job. You may even get to
out and act out: the point of not feeling your emotions as much as you used to. After
all, you are being trained in this schizophrenic existence 8 hours a day,
A young businessman said to a flight attendant, "Why aren't you smil- 40 hours a week, 2,000 hours a year. This training can result in the
ing?" She put her tray back on the food cart, looked him in the eye> deepest alienationan alienation from alienation, from all feeling
and said, "I'll tell you what. You smile first, then I'll smile." The 'tself, which is the ultimate consequence of what starts out as the
businessman smiled at her. "Good," she replied. "Now freeze and hold Simple rationalization, "It's just part of the job."
that smile for fifteen hours."1 Obviously, whether it leads to burnout or alienation or worse,
138 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF FEELING LONELY IN A CROWD: ALIENATION AT WORK 139

loneliness at work is a significant problem. Because people spend and values give the employees a sense of unity and pride.
significant parts of their lives at work, it is a problem that can have These kinds of programs can allay alienation to some extent.
an important impact on their ability to achieve. Nevertheless, although being responsible for building an entire carbu-
retor is better than merely putting one bolt on it, building a carburetor
is not as challenging and craftsmanlike as building an entire car, and
Whai Can Be Done? it seems a long way from, for instance, solving the transportation
Some companies today recognize the problems of alienation and problems of the elderly in one's local community. Furthermore, there
burnout and try hard to put meaning back into jobs. Instead of putting will always be jobs in which employees must interact extensively with
people to work on an anonymous assembly line, they may put people the public, and in these jobs there will always be pressure to be
to work in groups, with each group responsible for a particular com- emotionally robotic. There are limits to what a company can do to
ponent or product. Working in groups not only allows people to help you find or develop meaningful and emotionally reasonable work.
interact with others on the job, it gives them the sense that they are There will always be limits on the amount of good work to be found,
doing a whole piece of work for which they are responsible. They and there will always be competition for this work.
have an increased sense that they "own" the workthat their per- So, in many instances it is going to be up to the employees to
sonal values about quality and productivity directly affect it. Meaning- solve their problem of alienation. As a consequence, you, as an em-
fulness is increased by other forms of participation as well. An engi- ployee, need to understand the problems of loneliness and alienation
neer, for example, may be encouraged to participate, along with a discussed here. You must take responsibility for filling your own
salesperson, in meeting customers. Employees may be encouraged feedback gap with meaningful activity, not just with busyness. Chang-
to know not just one job, but many. Employee-involvement groups ing the meaningless work in your company is a worthwhile goal that
pose and often solve company problems from the bottom up. you, in partnership with others there, can pursue. Yet, if the work
Some companies encourage employees to take more responsibil- remains alienating, since you yourself want to avoid this kind of
ity for decision making. Participative-management techniques like loneliness, your ultimate choice may be to seek meaningful work
quality circles and employee-involvement teams have been wide- elsewhere.
spread since the middle 1970s. More recently, the concept of entre-
preneurship within a business has become popular under the name
Executive Alienation
intrapreneurism. This management technique encourages employees
to express their creativity and independence even within their large People sometimes dream of the time when they will have moved
U
companies. Like employee involvement, intrapreneurism attempts to P to a leadership position in their company. Maybe they will become
a
give back to the employee the sense of meaning that is lost when vice president, or chief executive officer (CEO), and then, they
work is specialized or when people must work in large, bureaucratic think, they will be in charge of the company and their own work life.
organizations. 'hen they will not feel alienated. Then they will do meaningful work.
A company may also try to give its employees the sense that " you actually manage to make it to the top, this is all truebut only
m
they have a stake in the productivity and welfare of the company as Part. You will indeed have more to say about what you do every
a
a whole. One way to do so is financial, through providing stock y. You will have more influence on the goals and activities of your
options or profit-sharing plans. Another way is to pay increased atten- mpany. But ascending to that company leadership spot is many
tion to the development and publication of the company's overall fficult years away and arriving there may not be as satisfying as you
goals and values with which employees can relate. Often these goals ttiink.
140 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF FEELING LONELY IN A CROWD: ALIENATION AT WORK 141

Those CEOs who are frank often report that moving to the top no simple skill. It requires either a high degree of concentration which
of a company brings its own new forms of alienation. It is indeed allows for the submergence of matters that normally would be upper-
lonely at the top. most in the mind, or a skillful display of polite attention in which nods,
Top executives point out that they must constantly be respon- facial expressions, and assorted vocalizations succeed in giving the
impression the listener's thoughts are where they are not. With experi-
sive to the needs of various constituencies in their companies-^
ence, I grew adept at both methods . . . Either tactic, however, was
employees, customers, and other executives, to name but a few.
almost invariably accompanied by the recurrent sense of distancing, of
Excessive demands are put on their time by activities like civic affairs. being oddly apart from others.9
Yet they are alone in their decisions.
One of the important tasks of a president or CEO is to be a model
Executives also experience the social alienation of being sepa-
of strength; publicly admitting loneliness would hardly enhance this
rated from others. Of course, they are not physically separated, but
image, so studies of executives who admit that they feel lonely or
they are separated as human beings because of their role. 10 It is easy
alienated are rare. Among the few CEOs who have gone on record,
to see how they are separated from lower-level workers in the com-
"isolation" and "alienation" are key experiences. 8 They commonly
pany; they do not take them into their confidence in such matters as
report feelings of emptiness and sterility, as do other lonely people.
salaries or company strategy or work schedules. In fact, they are
Executives, too, feel personally alienated when their daily activities
removed and alienated from almost everyone over whom they have
match their business role more than they match their personal goals,
power. They frequently make basic decisions about salaries, promo-
beliefs, and values.
tions, layoffs, and staff redistributions. Whenever they must make
An executive may be unsure of how to make a particular deci-
decisions about people's lives, they cannot take them into their con-
sion, yet he may be forced by constraints, like time pressures, to
fidence.
decide. Afterwards, though his feelings about the decision are still
In addition, executives experience isolation every day in dozens
mixed, the executive must exude total confidence to convince others
of their interpersonal transactions. 11 To begin with, they are inevita-
to back his choice. This necessity to maintain a public facade in spite
bly seen as special, and they are highly visible at all kinds of events.
of strong counterindicative personal reactions can be extremely self-
People constantly seek their opinions and are curious about all as-
alienating, yet it is a persistent part of the executive's job.
pects of their work and lives. Part of their problem is that since they
Executives may actually feel hurt or angry when criticized, but
are treated this way, they begin to feel special, too; they begin to see
they attempt to appear unruffled. They desperately want to appear
themselves apart from other people, and alone.
confident even when they have serious doubts. They even fake atten-
tion and politeness. Since time is a precious commodity, executives The executive is also alienated because he possesses a great
learn to give visitors the impression of having plenty of time to listen deal of confidential information. If his company is small, he may know
to them when, in reality, they are counting the minutes. As one more about his people than does anyone else. Paradoxically, he will
realistic administrator put it: feel both close to his people and removed from them, for with his
Ultimate knowledge comes the responsibility for acting wisely.
Knowledge about salaries and budgets is especially sensitive. The
Social functions . . . all [require] the administrator's presence . . at c
times when other matters [are] much more pressing or when overwork nstant sense of knowing the whole picture when in conversation
w
[makes] one yearn for a quiet evening at home or a lunch of cheese >th people who see only a part of it can increase the sense of
and crackers in the privacy of one's office. The task of engaging in smal> ^oneness.
talk, having just emerged from an emotionally charged meeting . ,s The executive's satisfaction in personal relationships suffers
 FEELING LONELY IN A CROWD: ALIENATION AT WORK

142 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF too. They are constantly oriented toward innovation, while employ-
both on and off the job. Long hours and high mobility add to ees value stability. They become immersed in their companies and
problems. When he is not happy in his jot)in spite of his own neglect the interests of family and friends. Entrepreneurs are compet-
expectations and society's belief that he should bethe executive itive and impatient. Even in their personal lives, they tend to go it
feels guilty. He experiences a feeling of powerlessness. Because he, alone. Their favorite sports tend to be solitary ones like sailing, flying,
like everyone else, believed the corporate myth that satisfaction and swimming. A typical comment from them is, "Hang gliding is
would be found at the top and because he invested many years only something you can do when you're really alone. You depend on
to learn a sadder reality, he feels naive and hopeless. Seeing that yourself." Of course, there is some solace to be found in activities like
others around him also believe the myth and are trying desperately these. As one CEO put it, "When I am on my boat, nothing else
to make it to the top only increases his alienation. matters. The only problems are natural (wind, weather and tide)
which I cannot change. Thus I am forced to accept what is and flow
with it. Simply put, the world outside my sailboat does not exist."14
Entrepreneurial Alienation
Even becoming an entrepreneur, the ultimate dream for job
Solutions
independence, can be lonely. The Wall Street Journal describes the
Clearly, loneliness in business is widespread, from employees to
entrepreneur's life this way: top administrators to entrepreneurs. Although it may not always be
Here's a blueprint for loneliness: Don't join a large organization that called lonelinessalienation is the more typical term used in the
provides a colleague-oriented atmosphere; instead, go off on your own. business worldit comes to the same thing. People fill the feedback
Let your business dominate your life to the detriment of relationships gap, in this case, the work portion of their lives, with activities that
with family and friends. Confide in no one.12 are not meaningful to them and that do not allow them to make honest
and full contact with other human beings. They are busy, they fulfill
In a recent study on stress and loneliness among entrepreneurs, 52
their roles, and they work hard. But they do not feel connected, and
percent said they experienced a recurring sense of loneliness, and 68
they are not satisfied. Their feelings are the same as those of other
percent reported that they had no confidante with whom they could people who say they are lonelyemptiness, vulnerability, depres-
share their deepest concerns.13 Their experience was related to phys- sion, and impatient boredom.
ical stresses like back and chest pains, headaches, impaired digestion, Both individuals and companies need to recognize these prob-
and insomnia. Their loneliness and stress did not diminish over time; lems of loneliness and alienation at work. Individuals need to address
The heads of older companies said they have just as much loneliness for themselves the question, "What is meaningful workto me?"
and stress as did the heads of younger companies. Imagine that you are at the end of your life, looking back on your
Running a business alone, the entrepreneur normally has no one work. What will you think about it then? Was it more than merely a
w
who shares his or her overview of the business. Decision-making ay to make a living? Were you able to express yourself in your
pressure is high, yet there is no one with whom to brainstorm strata work?
gies or the solution of problems. Pressure to project a strong image Attempting to compensate for these problems outside work may
be
is high. If owners allow their private fears to be aired, employe^ helpful. Putting an extra effort into your involvement with your
c
rnmunity and family may replace some of the intimate personal
worry about the well-being of their companies and the rate of turn- c
nnections lost at work. Discussing work problems with a spouse
over among employees climbs.
Entrepreneurs are psychologically different from other peop'e'
 FEELING LONELY IN A CROWD: ALIENATION AT WORK 145
144 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF

may be of some use, though often the spouse is simply not knowl- Notes
edgeable enough to be really helpful, and it may be burdensome for 1. Thomas P. Rohlen, For Harmony and Strength (Berkeley: University
you to describe and relive a work problem. Precious time for simply 0f California Press, 1974).
relaxing is thereby lost. Sometimes it is better to use your free time 2. Quoted in Anat Rafaeli and Robert I. Sutton, "Expression of Emotion
as Part of the Work Role," Academy of Management Review, 12 (1987): 27.
to escape.
3. M. Boas and S. Chain, Big Mac: The Unauthorized Story of McDonald's
Companies can be run by executive committees instead of indi-
(New York: E. P. Dutton, 1976), 84.
vidual CEOs. This way of organizing has the virtue of bringing several 4. S. Tyler and J. Nathan (producers), In Search of Excellence (film) (New
different perspectives to bear on decisions. Informed insiders exist, York: Public Broadcast System, 1985).
at the same level, who are in a position to give meaningful feedback. 5. Rafaeli and Sutton, "Expression of Emotion," 32.
The alienation felt by the solo CEO is thereby reduced, and the total 6. A. R. Hochschild, The Managed Heart (Berkeley: University of Califor-
responsibility for decisions is shared. However, I should point out nia Press, 1983), 127. Quoted in Rafaeli and Sutton, "Expression of Emotion,"
that the use of executive committees is the exception, rather than the 31.
rule. Most companies prefer the strengths traditionally associated 7. Christina Maslach, "The Client Role in Staff Burnout," Journal of Social
Issues 34, no. 4 (1978), 111-24.
with the individual decision makerspeed, decisiveness, and the aura 8. See Philip W. Jackson, "Lonely at tb Top: Observations on the Genesis
of the leader. It is usually left up to the individual executives to find of Administrative Isolation," School Review 85 (May 1977): 425-32. See also
positive solitude at the top. Abraham K. Korman, Ursula Wittig-Berman, and Dorothy Lang, "Career Suc-
Entrepreneurs who feel alone and alienated have several alterna- cess and Personal Failure: Alienation in Professionals and Managers," Academy
tives. They can establish a board of directors, drawn from people of Management Journal 24, no. 2 (1981): 342-60.
outside the company, to advise them regarding difficult and complex 9. Ibid., 430-31.
10. Korman, Wittig-Berman, and Lang, "Career Success and Personal Fail-
decisions. Although the buck stops with the entrepreneur, such a
ure," 344.
board can give valuable information and emotional support. Another 11. Jackson, "Lonely at the Top," 428ff.
thing entrepreneurs can do is to join peer groups, such as groups of 12. "Owner's Isolation Can Result in Loneliness and High Stress," Wall
entrepreneurs in noncompeting businesses (Rotary Clubs and Young Street Journal, May 7, 1984, 35.
Presidents Clubs, for example). 13. See David E. Gumpert and David P. Boyd, "The Loneliness of the
Although there are some remedies for loneliness at work, the Small-Business Owner," Harvard Business Review, November-December 1984:
feedback gap in business is not going to go away. From the psycholog- 4-8.
14. Ibid., 10.
ical point of view, many jobs will continue to be overspecialized.
Especially in large organizations, employees and top managers alike
will continue to be separated from each other. Humanizing organiza-
tions will continue to be one of the great challenges of our time. Until
this effort succeeds, it is up to the individual person to identify,
understand, and remedy his or her own job alienation. Since we all
spend so much time at work, dealing with our loneliness there will
make a crucial contribution to our positive solitude.
 11
Psychotherapy
and Loneliness
I feel like a child now. Everything I see seems strange to
, . Never in my life did the world look so beautiful to me.
Client involved in one of Japan's "quiet" therapies,
quoted in DAVID K. REYNOLDS, Morita Psychotherapy

At some point a person who feels lonely may look to therapy for
answers. Just as you would seek a therapist who supports your own
system of values, you should seek a therapist who understands the
goals of positive solitude. There are many therapeutic approaches
that will support you in your growth toward positive solitude. Three
that are particularly promising are behavioral therapy, restricted envi-
ronmental stimulation therapy (REST), and logotherapy.

Behavioral Therapy
Among the newer therapies that adopt a fully optimistic view of
being alone, the best known is behavioral therapy. Behavioral therapy
's widely known and practiced in a number of variants, including social
148 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF PSYCHOTHERAPY AND LONELINESS 149

learning theory, behavior modification, and cognitive behavior modi- The same method of therapy can be applied toward either goal,
fication. Typically, the behavioral therapist's view of loneliness i$ however.
both concrete and practical. Young typically works with people through six stages of per-
When a person comes to therapy with a complaint such as "I am sonal growth, moving from less complicated to more complicated
lonely" or "I am depressed," the behavioral therapist naturally re- tasks. The goals of the stages are as follows:
gards these comments as abstractions that should be explored and
elaborated upon. The therapist tries to find out just what the person 1. To overcome anxiety and sadness about spending time alone.
really means when he or she says "I am lonely." In the terms used 2. To engage in activities with a few casual friends.
in this book, I might put the therapist's question as, "Exactly what 3. To engage in mutual self-disclosure with a trustworthy
parts of this person's feedback system are not being well filled?" This friend.
question must be explored anew with each client because all individu- 4. To meet a potentially intimate, appropriate partner.
als have a unique set of experiences that has led them to label them- 5. To begin to develop intimacy with an appropriate partner,
selves as lonely. The therapist will encourage the client to elaborate. usually through disclosure and sexual contact.
What thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are associated with the ex- 6. To make an emotional commitment to an appropriate
pression of loneliness? partner for a relatively long period of time.4
Researchers who have studied this therapeutic process suggest In each stage the client and therapist work on learning behaviors and
that it works this way: When a client tells the therapist that he or she
cognitions that support each goal. They also work on learning how
is lonely, the therapist must figure out exactly what this statement
to perform each stage with a minimum of stress.
means by asking the person to describe more fully the experience of
Setting a behavioral hierarchy like this and working through it
loneliness. The best way to help the client to become less lonely is
step by step can also be a means to positive solitude. If one was doing
to find out the individual meaning of loneliness for that person. The
therapy with the goal of achieving positive solitude, the stages might
person might describe, for example, feeling lonely and unloved. The
look something like this:
therapist probes even further, and the person expands on all his or
her perceptions of loneliness. Together, the client and therapist fig- 1. To feel physically safe when alone, both at home and outside
ure out that the original statement "I feel lonely" can be reduced for the home.
this client to difficulties in making friends, participating in groups, and 2. To overcome anxiety and sadness about spending time
relaxing on a date.1 These specific difficulties can then be remedied- alone.
Clients learn how to make friends, how to be comfortable in a group, 3. To learn to feel comforted and not anxious when one is
how to feel safe when at home alone, and so on. With guidance from both tired (or sick) and alone.
the therapist, clients learn how to fill the feedback gap, step by step- 4. To understand the principle of the feedback gap and to
Therapist Jeffrey E. Young, at the University of Pennsylvania' find interesting, personally enriching tilings to do every
works with chronically lonely adults using cognitive behavioral thef' day when alone.
apy.2 In working with his clients, he focuses primarily on the lonely 5. To build solace, tradition, and other long-term enrichments
person's desire to build better social relationships. I should point oi> into your life.
that although in this book I see positive solitude as an end in itse'' 6. To demonstrate to yourself that your life, lived alone, has
Young sees it as one step in the process of reconnecting with others* meaning.
150 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF PSYCHOTHERAPY AND LONELINESS 151

Generally, behavioral therapists encourage their clients to determine Table 1. How Positive Solitude Solves Typical Loneliness
the hierarchy of goals. You must choose the final outcome. Do you Problems
want togetherness? Or positive solitude? Or perhaps both?
Once you clarify your goals, the next step in cognitive behavioral Problem 1: Feeling Discontent Alone
therapy is to work on the thoughts that prevent you from achieving
Typical Loneliness Typical Lonely
your goals. To cope with our complicated environment, we humans Assumptions
Related Emotions
Thoughts
are constantly making mental models of it. Sometimes our models are
1. I have nothing to 1. Life has no
not well chosen. They lead to confusion and dismay. All of us have do alone.
Bored, hopeless,
meaning without empty, sad, anxious,
some automatic thoughts that are based on maladaptive assumptions. 2. I don't want to go someone to share isolated
Our behavior and emotions reflect these counterproductive thoughts. out by myself. it.
To free ourselves of such negative thinking we need to get to the 3. I can't stand being 2. There must be
alone. something wrong
underlying problem: We must challenge the weak models and as- 4. I feel cut off when with me if I'm
sumptions that we made in the first place. I'm alone. alone.
From his therapeutic practice, Dr. Young has put together an 5. I'll always be 3. I'm better off
alone. doing nothing than
excellent list of thoughts, assumptions, behaviors, and emotions that
6. It's scary being doing things alone.
are typical of people who complain of being lonely. In therapy, he and alone. 4. I cannot cope with
his clients work to replace the automatically counterproductive problems without
thoughts and behaviors with positive and realistic thoughts and help.
behaviors that are appropriate for each stage. You can use the same
POSITIVE RELATED EMOTIONS
approach to work toward positive solitude, as can be seen in Table SOLITUDE POSITIVE
1. With practice, you can learn to think positively about your solitude ASSUMPTIONS THOUGHTS
and to feel the positive emotions that go along with your new way 1- Being alone is 1. I like being by Love, affection,
of thinking. natural. myself. enthusiasm
2. I can make my 2. When I'm alone, I
To achieve positive solitude, you work with a behavioral thera- own life realize that I still
pist to change the repertoire of behaviors, beliefs, and attitudes that meaningful. care about others.
prevent you from feeling satisfied when alone. For example, you * I can enjoy doing 3. There are lots of
might need to change the way you think about solitude itself, moving things alone. things I want to
gradually from negative assumptions about solitude toward adopting do.
4. I like having the
more positive ideas about it. Or you might need to work on changing time to do the
specific things you do when you are alone that are finally counterpro- things I want to
ductiveexcessive television watching, for instance, or other less- do.
than-meaningful activities. Do not be discouraged if your list of coun-
terproductive habits is long. When you have had little experience with
being alone, a long list is normal. On the other hand, your problem
may be small yet highly disruptive, as when a person who is other-
wise content with his or her own company feels physically unsa
living alone. In either case, behavioral therapy, one of the mos
152 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF PSYCHOTHERAPY AND LONELINESS 153

Table 1. (Continued) Table 1. (Continued)

Problem 2: Not Trusting 5. The partners I find If I try hard

attractive will not enough, I can
Typical Loneliness Typical Lonely Related Emotions be acceptable to always get the
Assumptions Thoughts my friends or to man/woman I want
society. to love me.
1. I'm better off by 1. Most people only Bitter, isolated
Meeting new
myself. care about
people should be
2. I don't like most themselves.
fun or I should not
people. 2. People will take
bother.
3. I don't trust advantage of you if
anyone. they can.
POSITIVE RELATED EMOTIONS
RELATED EMOTIONS SOLITUDE POSITIVE
POSITIVE
POSITIVE ASSUMPTIONS THOUGHTS
SOLITUDE
ASSUMPTIONS THOUGHTS 1. Having a partner is 1. I like myself. Self-esteem, hope
not essential to my 2. I am interesting.
1. It's normal for 1. I can rely on Security, confidence
well-being. 3. I lead a full life.
people to watch myself.
2. I should
out for themselves 2. I understand
concentrate on
first. healthy selfishness.
being happy alone.
2. When people feel 3. By taking care of
secure themselves, myself, I can be
they are best able available to help
to help others to others. Problem 4: Being Passive
feel secure.
Typical Loneliness Typical Lonely Related Emotions
Assumptions Thoughts
Problem 3: Not Able to Find an Intimate Partner ! The problems in 1. If someone Frustrated, helpless,
this relationship criticizes me, anxious, insecure,
Typical Loneliness Typical Lonely Related Emotions are all my fault. he/she must be angry, ambivalent
Assumptions Thoughts ' 1 can't seem to get right.
what I want from 2. People should give
1. There's no place to 1. I must find the Frustrated, hopeless,
this relationship. me what I want
meet men/women. perfect man/woman emotionally empty, 3
- I can't say how I without my having
2. The men/women I and not settle for bitter f
eel or he/she to ask for it.
get involved with less.
'night leave me. 3. When someone
always end up hurting 2. I should continue ''m always being
to pursue people I criticizes me, it
me. criticized.
am strongly means he/she is
3. There are very
attracted to preparing to leave
few men/women 1
regardless of me.
find desirable.
4. No one can whether we are
measure up to my well suited in other
last lover. respects.
154 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF PSYCHOTHERAPY AND LONELINESS 155

Table 1. (Continued) POSITIVE RELATED EMOTIONS

SOLITUDE POSITIVE
ASSUMPTIONS THOUGHTS
POSITIVE RELATED EMOTIONS \, There are many 1. I can adapt to the Confidence, patience,
SOLITUDE POSITIVE ways to accomplish changes life brings equanimity
ASSUMPTIONS THOUGHTS my goals. my way.
1. I set my own goals 1. I am my values. Self-respect 2. I am willing to try 2. I can rely on my
and standards. 2. I make time to different judgment of others.
2. I evaluate criticism examine my approaches to life. 3. When it comes to
in terms of my beliefs, values, and 3. People will live up my own interests,
own beliefs. attitudes. to my expectations I am the most
3. I take a positive much of the time. reliable person 1
attitude toward 4. I live up to my know.
solving problems. own expectations
most of the time.

Problem 5: Setting Unrealistic Expectations

effective approaches known today, can help you to deal with the
Typical Loneliness Typical Lonely Related Emotions
Assumptions Thoughts problem systematically and thoroughly.
1. My partner will not 1. There are right Angry, frustrated,
do certain things and wrong ways of impatient, hostile Rest and Related Approaches
the right way even doing almost
though 1 have everything, and 1 REST is a newer and less widely known therapeutic technique
asked him/her to know what they
are.
advocated by psychologist Peter Suedfeld. Suedfeld argues that
change.
2. My partner is not 2. I should not have throughout history various types of solitude, from puberty rites to
the person I to tolerate any voluntary seclusion, have been used as a psychological healing pro-
thought he/she was faults in my cess. REST is the modern-day version of this ancient tradition, in
when we first got partner.
3. People should live
which solitude is practiced not only for its own sake, but as a means
involved.
up to my to solving other behavioral problems as well.
expectations of In this therapy clients are first taught the positive aspects of
them or they are solitude. Then they are introduced into an environment that drasti-
letting me down.
4. It's better to live cally reduces both their social and their sensory contacts. According
alone than to have to Suedfeld, the most effective version of REST tested so far places
other people the client in a dark, soundproof room, usually for a day or less.5 The
disappoint me. client lies on a bed and communicates with the therapist through a
m
onitor. In some versions of this therapy, therapeutic messages are
communicated to the client through the monitor. In other versions,
the client is simply left alone. Suedfeld published the full account of
"is research in his 1980 book Restricted Environmental Stimulation.
REST is not sensory deprivation, which is the total removal of
156 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF PSYCHOTHERAPY AND LONELINESS 157

sensory input to the individual. Perhaps because of the reputation o of the normal attachment system in old age. . . . Perhaps the most
sensory deprivation for being disorienting, even torturous, the idea favorable thing that has been said about being alone is that people who
of it may unnerve you just a bit. Understand that REST is sensory are able to overcome its terrible effects may experience a strengthen-
reduction, not sensory deprivation. But as Westerners, we should ing and greater integration of their personality; the implication is that
understand, too, that our cultural attitudes toward both are probably adversity is good for you and that solitude is necessarily a form of
similar: We often fear the self-stimulation that can occur under condi- adversity There is no disputing the fact that solitude and loneliness
tions of reduced environmental input. We have been taught to believe can sometimes be unpleasant, stressful, and injurious. In my opinion,
that any form of "talking to ourselves" indicates that we are crazy. this is to a great extent a result of cultural norms. Modern urbanites
and dwellers in technologically advanced societies have been taught
The novel sensations, vivid fantasies, and visions that may be experi-
that isolation is a bad thing, and they react accordingly.6
enced in sensory deprivation are taboo in our culture. Yet, psycholo-
gists know from experiments with sensory deprivation that it is
Suedfeld argues that mainstream research in psychology has ignored
normal for an individual to replace external stimulation with internal
the view that solitude may have positive effects. Psychologists tend
stimulation when the external stimulation drops below a certain level.
to hold on to their negative view in spite of the fact that many people
Under controlled circumstances, the novel experiences, however cul-
find solitude to be pleasant, exciting, enlightening, and highly desir-
turally unacceptable, are not to be feared.
able.7 The fact that the public reveres and stands in awe of people
It is normal in REST therapy, also, to fill the feedback gap with who have experienced long periods of solitudepeople who have
yourself. The personal challenge is to accept yourself and what you taken long voyages alone, for instanceis just one more indication
tell yourself in the novel REST environment. Usually, when an indi- that we do not really understand solitude. Indeed, it may indicate that
vidual goes into an environment of reduced sensory input holding we irrationally fear it.
neutral or positive expectations, the experience is positive. It is only
We must remember that even the limited experimentation that
when you fear the experience that you experience it fearfully. The
has been done with solitude indicates that it can have important
same may be said, of course, of any experience of being alone.
effects in helping people to change their behavior. REST, which
REST is based on Suedfeld's conviction that we need to ignore
involves one twenty-four-hour period of solitude, has been success-
what society teaches us about being alone and to learn to think of it
fully used to help people gain weight, lose weight, reduce their intake
as a positive experience. Suedfeld notes that everywhere in society,
f alcohol, reduce stuttering, eliminate phobias, and change many
from parents and teachers to social scientists and writers, being alone
other behaviors. In one study, the combination of REST with a behav-
is seen as an aberration and as a symptom of individual maladjustment
'oral therapy program helped clients to stop smoking. About 50 per-
or illness. It is even considered to be the breakdown of society itself-
cent of the clients who used both REST and the behavioral therapy
According to Suedfeld:
Program had stopped smoking completely one year after treatment;
jhe success rate was only 25 percent if the clients used either the
Psychologists have for the most part accepted this tradition unques- tST treatment or the behavioral therapy program alone.8
tioningly, in the same way as we have gone along with most of the
major societal norms of our environment. . . . Most personality theo- In the Japanese culture therapies that rely on solitude are widely
rists assume that attachment to other people is basic, and that when Practiced. In his book The Quiet Therapies: Japanese Pathways to
such attachments are disputed, loneliness results. Positive feeling ersonal Growth, David Reynolds reports on five such therapies, all
about being alone have been described as reaction formation, or the which isolate clients and force them to live with their own thoughts.
a
outward signs of distrustfulness and defensiveness, or the atrophy"* dan therapy may be translated as isolation therapy. Another term
 PSYCHOTHERAPY AND LONELINESS 159
158 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF

for this particular technique is ansei, or rest therapy. The rational^ logotherapy
for this approach is that the mind becomes exhausted trying to solv^
At the same time as we are overstimulated, our lives seem to
its own problems and that it simply needs to rest. Education and
contain too little meaning. Especially when we are alone, the awful-
advice are not necessary for a cure. The mind, when rested, will
ness of this reality comes home to us. A third type of therapy, of
pursue a natural healing process. The therapy starts with a period of
which Victor Frankl's logotherapy is a key example, addresses this
total isolation, during which the patient lies in bed, eats, and has no
problem. Logotherapy signifies literally "meaning" therapy; it is an
contact with people. Gradually, simple tasks, such as spending twenty
approach that helps people to find meaning in their existence.
minutes copying, are introduced. It is believed that when a person's
Frankl is a psychiatrist who spent years in the Nazi concentra-
thought processes are slowed, they are deepened as well. As one Zen
tion camps. Logotherapy derives from his experiences in the camps,
master observed, "Most people who come here are students who, for
which have been described in his internationally acclaimed book
the most part, are merely restless. They want 'hara' [a form of
Man's Search for Meaning. n Frankl believes that people who sur-
composure]."9
vived the camps did so because they could perceive some meaning
The most famous of the quiet therapies in Japan is Morita ther-
in their present or future lives. They had a book or other piece of
apy. With this therapy, clients begin a month of treatment with a
work they wanted to finish; they loved someone; or, simply, they
bed-rest isolation that lasts a week. They simply lie quietly in their
understood that it was meaningful, even living within the camps, to
rooms; they may not read, talk, smoke, listen to the radio, or do
be able to choose their own attitude toward their terrible circum-
anything except tend to their physical needs. During the course of this
stances.
week, the emotional cycle moves from boredom and doubt to a
gradually deeper inner focus, to peak experiences, then to increasing Frankl's recent research suggests that many Americans experi-
boredom, and finally to the desire for activity. The fourth and fifth ence a lack of meaning in their lives. We Americans report being
days of isolation are key. By this time, peak experiences are likely to bored. We experience what he calls the "Sunday neurosis": Having
occur and the desire for activity becomes stronger. What happens been busy all week, when left alone for one day we do not know
psychologically? Reynolds points out that Japanese therapies are ourselves and we literally do not know what to do with ourselves. We
marked by significant, long periods of silence aimed at the acceptance, recognize this problem, but we do not know how to solve it. A study
incorporation, and transcendence of symptoms. The Japanese thinks, of 7,948 college students done by Johns Hopkins University found
"My symptoms are me"10 and comes to own them, whereas the that when the students were asked what they considered "very
Westerner aims to eliminate symptoms. important" to them now, 16 percent checked "making a lot of
Japan is one of the most crowded countries on Earth. Perhaps money," while 78 percent said their first goal was "finding a purpose
as a culture, the Japanese have already learned what we now need to ^d meaning to my life."12 Boredom, the Sunday blues, the lack of
know: that modern life contains too much stimulation. Many of us are meaning in lifeall these are often reported by people who say they
experiencing sensory and social overload. It is time to consider sen- fre lonely. It is likely, then, that Frankl's ideas can help people who
ously that the various solitude therapiesand perhaps simply being fre alone and unhappy.
alonemay help. Frankl suggests that there are three ways to find meaning. The
"rst is meaningful work. The second is love. The third is deciding
Wn
at attitude to take toward the circumstances of your life. The first
w
ways are fairly self-evident (though for a full understanding, the
160 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF
PSYCHOTHERAPY AND LONELINESS 161

reader should consult Frankl's work). The third was highlighted for merely for the sake of my "reaction formations." Man, however, is able
Frankl by his experience in the concentration camps: to live and even to die for the sake of his ideals and values!15

We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who On the basis of its own logic, logotherapy is designed to be one of
walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece the least directive of all therapies. The meaning discovered should be
of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient the client's own meaning.
proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last
If you are having problems being alone, if you are failing to find
of the human freedomsto choose one's attitude in any given set of
positive solitude, you may be experiencing a lack of meaning in your
circumstances, to choose one's own way.
life. Your realization of the lack of meaning will arise particularly when
And there were always choices to make. Every day, every hour,
you are alone: You will label it loneliness, alienation, or, perhaps,
offered the opportunity to make a decision, a decision which deter-
mined whether you would or would not submit to those powers which boredom. You will not know what to do about it. Certainly, these
threatened to rob you of your very self, your inner freedom; which symptoms of loneliness are similar to those that Frankl describes,
determined whether or not you would become the plaything of circum- especially the boredom expressed and the inability to face yourself
stance, renouncing freedom and dignity to become molded into the when the activities of the week are over. It is certain hell to face each
form of the typical inmate.13 day with nothing really to live for. How horrifying to look back on
your life and realize that it had no meaning! This is one reason why
Frankl came to believe that only the person who kept some sort of certain people seem so desperately fearful of being alone.
faith in the future could survive. Inmates of the camps could tell when The ideas of logotherapy are pertinent to every person's life, but
another inmate had lost his faith. When life had lost meaning for him, they are especially important to people who are alone. If you are
the inmate would stop trying to live and would indeed die shortly alone, no one else will be there to remind you that your life is
thereafter. As Nietzche said, "He who has a why to live for can bear meaningful. If you are not raising a family or supporting a spouse,
with almost any how. "u either financially or emotionally, you may question the meaning of
In contrast to Freudian psychoanalysis, which emphasizes intro- your life. Even if you personally find your own life meaningful, you
spection and recall of the past, logotherapy emphasizes present real- may not receive much support for your perception.
ity and planning for the future. Instead of believing, as Freud and his Because one of the ways to meaning is love, finding meaning in
followers have, that the primary motivational force in life is to find life may not be quite as obvious for singles as it is for those who live
pleasure, Frankl believes that the primary motivational force is to find >n couples or families. However, finding meaning through love when
meaning: alone is certainly possible. It is merely more challenging and subtle
than when one is intimately connected. For instance, love may be
e
Man's search for meaning is the primary motivation in his life and not xperienced through giving service to others, whether directly
a "secondary rationalization" of his instinctual drives. This meaninglS through volunteering or indirectly through charitable contributions.
unique and specific in that it must and can be fulfilled by him alone; only Service to society may or may not be seen and recognized by others,
then does it achieve a significance which will satisfy his own will V u t it is recognized by the self. Who can tell, for instance, what subtle
meaning. There are some authors who contend that meanings and satisfactions are experienced by someone who makes anonymous
values are "nothing but defense mechanisms, reaction formations an" d
nations to charity? People alone can find meaning in life through
sublimations." But as for myself, I would not be willing to live mere'? 0v
e; they only have to be creative about their goals.
for the sake of my "defense mechanisms," nor would I be ready to * Of
course, as Frankl points out, meaning is not only found
162 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF PSYCHOTHERAPY AND LONELINESS 163

through love. It is also discovered in work that we want to accomplish bridge between the relationship that was and the new life that will be.
and through the realization of our basic freedom to decide our own perhaps the client has no experience being alone and needs to
attitudes. Whichever the way to meaning, the important point to spend time learning this skill, but in the meantime is panicked because
remember is that individuals, alone, must discover the meaning in he fears the loss of human support. The relationship with the thera-
their lives. The initiative is theirs. Chapter 13 is devoted to the issue pist is useful under this circumstance, to help the client make the
of finding meaning in your life alone. transition gradually, with the minimum amount of fear. The therapist-
client relationship is especially useful in emergencies, too, because
the therapist, or at least a therapist, can always be found immediately.
Managing the Client-Therapist Relationship An intimate friend would have to be cultivated over months or even
Whatever the therapeutic approach, when a person alone enters years.
therapy, some special issues arise. In terms of the interaction of The therapist-client relationship is also, fortunately, different
solitude and relationships, first, what is the client's attitude toward from a friendship in the sense that the therapist is trained to be
the therapy and, second, what is the therapist's attitude toward the objective. Although as Suedfeld and others have rightly pointed out,
therapy? therapists are quite humanly susceptible to cultural indoctrination,
Some years ago, a book, with the engaging title Psychotherapy, they are the best hope for objectivity that a person has. While the
the Purchase of Friendship, was published. This title has often come advice that a friend will give to a person who is newly alone almost
back to me as, at various times over the years, I have considered inevitably gets around to "you should go out more," the therapist is
therapy for myself or have considered recommending it to a friend. more likely to know better. Her opinions will be more subtle. She may
Perhaps the expense of therapy would not be necessary, I have be able to help her client to appreciate the virtues of positive solitude.
thought, if a good friend were consulted instead. Maybe, too, therapy A good therapist is an excellent friend.
is a crutch that allows a person not to make the kind of intimate friend The danger of the therapist-client relationship lies in the tend-
that is necessary for discussing really personal problems. These ency of the client to depend on it. The relationship can fill the feed-
issues are particularly important for the person who is alone and back gap so well that the client may not feel the need to build the
seeking counsel about loneliness. If relationships are an issue, where kinds of self-sufficiency that can take its place. The best therapists
does your relationship to your therapist fit into your life? will point this problem out to their clients and help them to work
The therapist-client relationship can fill the feedback gap in pow- toward self-sufficiency and the end of therapy. Others, unfortunately,
erful ways. It can take the place of normal friendships in a person's will be content to have their friendship purchased for the hourly fee.
life. It can be an even more perfect relationship than a friendship This is a major pitfall for persons who enter therapy with the main
because a client can tell the therapist everything. The therapist may Problem of being alone and unhappy.
seem to be the "best friend" that the client has yearned for. The Realizing this pitfall, the client should, early in the establishment
therapist always listens, always counsels, and seldom gets angry; he ' the therapist-client relationship, consult with the therapist as to
or she is the perfect friend. Because of the power of this relationship- 0w
the therapist will handle the end of therapy. The goal of therapy
it needs to be handled with caution. clearly independence and an end to the therapeutic relationship.
On the one hand, there are definitely times when such a relatio"' "e client is best protected if the therapist offers concrete guidelines,
ship is desirable and even necessary. During particularly bad times- ch as behaviors and attitudes to be achieved, that will signal to both
e
for example, when a person has lost his or her spouse or parent " client and the therapist that the desired progress has been made
other close loved one, the relationship with the therapist can be that the relationship should end.
1M.\JS
64 LIVING
h*>*uiu WITH
. . . . . . YOUR
-- SELF PSYCHOTHERAPY AND LONELINESS 165

The therapist's attitude toward therapy with people who are real loneliness understands why people are more frightened of being
alone is a factor to be considered. There is ample evidence that lonely than of being hungry, or being deprived of sleep, or having
therapists, as do many others, often have a bias toward togetherness. their sexual needs unfulfilled."18 Thus, while some psychoanalytic
To conscientious therapists, it may be enough merely to suggest this therapists assert that loneliness is inevitable for normal people, oth-
bias. Realizing that they may have a bias toward "helping" people ers suggest that it is terrifying for those who have had an unfortunate
reconnect with other people in traditional ways may be enough to experience as infants.
help them reconsider their goals in the therapy. It may be enough to Many criticisms might be aimed at these views, especially since
encourage them to study the ideas of positive solitude. Other thera- they are based solely on experiences of early infancy. Psychoanalytic
pists may need more convincing. theory has itself come under strong criticism in recent decades, as
Many of the pessimistic views about the nature of loneliness and psychologists and psychiatrists working with the individual's entire
its susceptibility to treatment are based in psychoanalytic theory. personal history, rather than focusing on childhood, have made great
Therapists who accept only narrow views of psychoanalytic theory progress with clients in therapy.
are less likely to support the idea of positive solitude than are other If you accept the psychoanalytic view, then two problems occur
therapists. They believe that behavioral change does not deal with in therapy. You would have to ask yourself whether the loneliness
underlying psychological issues. Some of them would assert that e\ even you acquired in infancy is really amenable to treatment. Certainly,
if you do manage to achieve positive solitude, if you have not de dealtl such ills are difficult to treat, and psychoanalysts would argue that
with your subconscious impulses and needs, you will still not be they are susceptible only to psychoanalysis. Since psychoanalysis is
mentally healthy. Frieda Fromm-Reichmann's is a widely respected difficult and costly, this reasoning would leave most of us to suffer
psychoanalytic view of loneliness.16 According to Fromm-Reichmann, an inevitable loneliness. I believe that many persons' beliefs in the
loneliness, defined as the longing for interpersonal intimacy, stems inevitability of loneliness, their beliefs that loneliness is simply part
from the infant's inevitable separation from his or her mother. Her of the human condition, may be traced Jo the strong influence in our
theory asserts that the "longing for interpersonal intimacy" is an culture of the psychoanalytic view.
inevitable feeling of all human beings throughout life and that we are Another problem that occurs in this sort of therapy is the exclu-
all threatened by its loss. In the psychoanalytic view, loneliness, like sively negative connotation put on being alone. The infant's screams
so many neurotic conflicts, is inevitable. It is the adult's unconscious and agony at being separated from his or her mother is the first, and
longing for the mother that we all "lose" when, as infants, we lean dominant, association with being alone. The positive aspects of being
aloneopportunities for personal growth, the expression of creativ-
about reality.
'ty, and the development of curiosity that are available to the infant
According to the psychoanalytic view, some people become es-
^e not emphasized enough if mentioned at all. To place exclusively
pecially susceptible to loneliness later in life because, as infants, they ne
gative connotations on being alone is to fixate on the helplessness
failed to make a successful transition from their infant sense of orW'
and rage of our infancynot a pleasant picture of our adulthood and,
potence to a healthy self of otherness. Consequently, the theofl 111
my mind, not a realistic one.
suggests, "the deeply seated triad of narcissism, megalomania, **
hostility will be established, which is at the root affliction of lonet Fortunately, most people today do not find themselves faced
ness."17 Fromm-Reichmann argued that this "real loneliness," asS? with therapists who adopt a rigid view of the influence of the uncon-
c
called it, is similar to other deranged mental states like panic and tW 'ous. Many therapists who were trained in classical psychoanalysis
it will eventually result in psychotic disturbances. She wrote: "Aw nsider themselves to be eclectics who acknowledge the existence
one who has encountered persons who were under the influence unconscious thinking while recognizing the power of conscious
166 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF PSYCHOTHERAPY AND LONELINESS 167

thoughts and behaviors. Still, we need continually to be aware of the

he loneliness: A Sourcebook of Current Theory, Research and Therapy (New York:
influence of this way of thinking on common understandings aboi John Wiley & Sons, 1982), 193. Slightly changed from the original to reflect
loneliness and solitude.
Here is one psychologist's advice to therapists and clients w]
are concerned not only with their own relationship but with the nature
I loneliness rather than depression as the concept described.
2. Jeffrey E. Young, "Loneliness, Depression and Cognitive Therapy:
Theory and Application," in Peplau and Perlman, eds., Loneliness, 379-405.
3. Ibid. See also chapter 14, this volume.
of relationships in our lives. It is particularly incisive and a 4. Young, "Loneliness, Depression and Cognitive Therapy," 391.
summary of the spirit of this chapter: 5. Peter Suedfeld, "Aloneness as a Healing Experience," in Peplau and
Perlman, eds., Loneliness, 54-67.
We cannot continue to promote the cliches about love's selflessness, 6. Ibid., 54-55, 64.
the intrinsic satisfactions of caring for another, and the notion of love 7. Ibid., 56.
associated with bowing to another's will.... We [should] listen more 8. Ibid., 63.
carefully to what our clients are saying about their relationships and 9. David K. Reynolds, The Quiet Therapies: Japanese Pathways to Personal
Growth (Honolulu: University Press of Hawaii, 1980), 91.
help them prepare for a world with many more options than we and
10. Ibid., 110.
our parents were offered.... Love may be here to stay, but it is going
11. Victor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning, rev. ed. (New York: Simon
to be a different kind of love and we had better keep ourselves tuned
& Schuster, 1984).
in to where it is going. To admit that one is not in love or capable of
12. Ibid., 122.
loving in the traditional sense is admitting a host of demeaning charac- 13. Ibid., 86.
teristics about one's worth. Love has been equated with maturity, 14. Quoted in ibid., 97.
self-actualization, positive reinforcement, and making the world go 15. Ibid., 121.
'round. Perhaps when our theories can dissociate love from the ulti- 16. Frieda Fromm-Reichmann, "Loneliness," Psychiatry 22 (1959): 1-15.
mate of mental health and maturity, individuals can admit temporary or 17. Ibid., 344.
permanent absence of a love relationship without shame or panic, and 18. Frieda Fromm-Reichmann, "Loneliness," in Joseph Hartog, J. Ralph
we will be able to knock love off its virtuous pedestal. Audy, and Yehudi A. Cohen, eds., The Anatomy of Loneliness (New York:
Psychologists have been long using concepts like love, maturity, International Universities Press, 1980), 348.
femininity, and masculinity in the sense of culturally-approved behav- 19. Annette M. Brodsky, "Perspectives of a Feminist Therapist," in Mary
iors. They then decree as pathological any behaviors that deviate from Ellen Curtin, ed., Symposium on Love (New York: Behavioral Publications,
these cultural norms, thereby perpetuating traditional values, often 1973), 104-5.
beyond their usefulness.19

The opposite of loneliness is not togetherness. The opposite of soli-

tude is not happiness. In modern therapy, done well, clients and
therapists will confront these realities together, and they will work
together to create new goals.

Notes
1. Leonard M. Horowitz, Rita de S. French, and Craig A. Anderson, "
Prototype of a Lonely Person," In Letitia Anne Peplau and Daniei Perlman, * "
 12
Women and Men:
Different Solitudes
Male loneliness: "My ambition is wholly personal now. All I
want to do is fall in love."
Female loneliness: "I've become a workaholic because I'm so
lonely."
LOUISE BERNIKOW, Alone in America

So far everything you have read in this book has been addressed
equally to women and men. The central work of positive solitude is
the same for bothunderstanding the feedback gap, becoming aware
of the possibilities for positive solitude, changing habits, addressing
specific problems, and exploring positive solitude as a personally
fulfilling resource. My discussion here would be incomplete, how-
ev
er, if I failed to explore some of the separate issues that men and
women will experience in their pursuit of positive solitude. When it
c
nies to the attitudes held by society, the specific types of practical
Problems faced, and the style in which positive solitude is pursued,
Sender matters.
ft would be a heartening step toward equality of the sexes if
Vln
g alone was equally acceptable for men and for women in soci-

\
170 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF WOMEN AND MEN: DIFFERENT SOLITUDES 171

ety's eyes. Unfortunately, this is not yet the case. The truth is that woman who is facing these stereotypes for the first time will find
we, as a society, have different expectations for how men and women them especially painful. She will have to deal with them even if she
should live. Partly as a result of these different expectations, men and is young enough to be considered marriageable, and the longer she
women who are alone face different psychological and practical prob. remains single, the stronger the stereotypes become. Whatever her
lems and need to adopt different styles for being alone. personal adjustment to her single status, her "failure" to reconnect
with a man increases the negative images of her. Some people will
see in her a bitter man hater or a desperate neurotic, a social joiner
Hurtful Stereotypes or a depressed loser. It is not surprising, then, that a woman's reac-
Society still does not respect single men and single women tion to her single status is a combination of anger, anxiety, and
equally. Generally, single men are at least tolerated and often ap- bewilderment.
predated. Since the Sexual Revolution of the sixties, especially, they Men are also hurt by the stereotypes. In actuality a man's terrific
are often admired for escaping marriage and for leading an uncommit- singles lifestyle may not feel so great. The man may not want to date
ted lifestyle. They are welcome additions to dinner parties and other around. He may not want an unsophisticated young wife. He may not
couples functions. In contrast, until recently, single status for women want to be with a woman at all. Because society expects men to be
indicated a major failure in life. A man alone has always been a fully in charge of their choices, men feel uncomfortable expressing
bachelor, but a woman alone has always been an old maid. In recent their anxieties about their single role. They tend to suppress their
decades, this attitude toward single women has faded a bit. Still, as feelings, and, ultimately, they even forget how to feel. As singles
recently as 1988, an article in a major women's magazine referred, living up to society's stereotypes, they may never realize that their
quite in earnest, to this "dreaded old-maid status." 1 ability to be in touch with their true thoughts and emotions has been
For women who are alone, many other unflattering stereotypes impaired.
still exist. Ask newly single women and they will agree that the
following attitudes toward them, in comparison with attitudes toward
newly single men, are often true:
Different Life Experiences
In addition to the different attitudes that they face in society,
He is dating, she is looking for a man. men and women who are alone simply have different life experiences.
He loves his work, she sacrificed everything for her career. Such common interpersonal situations as work, friendships, and mar-
He is single again, she is divorced. nage differ for them and lead them to experience being alone in
He should find someone and start a new life, she should find some-
different ways.
one to take care of her (or to take care of).
For example, consider the isolation that men and women feel
He wants to spend time alone right now, she hates men.
He has a great lifestyle, too bad her life fell apart. when they lose their jobs. Both women and men derive social stimula-
He has a lot of outside interests, she joins every group she can. "on from their work. Employed women and men both report about
he
He will settle down after a while, she will get used to living alone- same amount of isolation in their lives overall. Naturally, when
" e y become unemployed, both report significantly more isolation
an
The perpetuation of these stereotypes hurts both men & when they were employed. However, the unemployed men
1 u
women Certainly, it impairs women's self-esteem. Any newly sing
ten. "er more emotionally from the isolation than do the unemployed
 172 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF
WOMEN AND MEN: DIFFERENT SOLITUDES 173
2
women. While a woman may need to work, a man is still expected
to work. much less likely to remarry than are widowed men.
Men and women also differ in the relationships they have with Because of these societal expectations and life experiences, it is
natural that men and women develop different attitudes toward loneli-
family and friends and in their tendency to feel isolation because of
ness and toward being alone. These attitudes are best understood in
these relationships. Single men tend to be more isolated from their
the context of men's and women's attitudes toward relationships.
own families than do single women. Single women, on the other hand,
tend to be more isolated from ties with people outside their families. Men seem to expect less from relationships and to value existing
relationships less than do women. Perhaps men can afford to take
Both single men and women experience more isolation when
their relationships for granted because they can be reasonably sure
they are poor. Of course, more women than men are poor and so
that should a feedback gap occur, they can readily fill it with a new
more women are isolated. Where one lives is also a factor in isolation.
one. Most men, it seems, do not anticipate being alone, and they do
Men and women are alike in that when they did not grow up in the
not plan for it.
city, the longer they live in a city the more isolated they will feel.3
Marriage brings problems of isolation to both genders. Overall, Some menthose least in touch with their emotionsmay de-
while married people are less lonely than are unmarried people, it value relationships entirely. Author Louise Bernikow (Alone in Amer-
seems that marriage fills the feedback gap more fully for men than ica) asserts that for these men, merely existing in a woman's pres-
for women. It also appears that marriage may actually create a feed- ence on a daily basis seems to constitute an adequate relationship.
back gap for women. Research shows that men who are married are Bernikow cites the case of one man who, after separating from his
not likely to feel isolated from family ties: The marriage itself fills a wife, replaced her by turning on the television. After discovering
man's need for family. Married women are more likely than are many similar men in her research, Bernikow concluded, "Men took
married men to feel isolated both from family ties and from friendship it for granted that there would be 'someone' there. It was as though,
networks. for many of them, they felt that if they did what was expected of
themnamely, got good jobs and made decent livingsthe rest
Age is also a factor in isolation. Among older people, single men
would somehow fall into place. Often enough, it did. I had the impres-
are the loneliest, married men are the least lonely, and women fall
sion, particularly with men who had been left by women, that those
between the two. Being both single, divorced, or widowed and old is
women had been background noise, like the television set turned on.
experienced more negatively by men than by women. Men do not
They had been 'someone' there at the end of the day."6 Men like this
expect these outcomes in their lives and have not prepared for them.
are not functioning as fully developed human beings. Not only do they
Older married women have greater decision-making problems as
fail to enjoy the relationships they have, their lives revert to the
their husbands age because the decision-making burdens of the
mundanity of television when the relationship fades.
household fall to them. Their discomfort with this unaccustomed role
is exacerbated by the fact that their husbands seldom take on their More subtle examples of the devaluing of relationships also
e
share of the household chores.4 xist. One of the men Bernikow describes spent a long period al-
legedly enjoying his solitude. The man confidently asserted to her
The end of marriage has a greater impact on women than on
that he relished his time aloneeven though he often could not eat
men. It is a simple fact that women are more likely than are men t
alone or go to the movies alone or play music alone. Nevertheless,
lose their marital partner. For example, among adults over age sixty'
"e was proud of his passion for solitude. (As I will discuss later, it
five, women are three times more likely to be widowed.5 M"1* ls
socially unacceptable for men to say otherwise.) One day the man
women than men will experience the feedback gap left by an end6" s
Tnply decided that he wanted to be in love. Though he was an
marriage. Because of the lack of available partners, they are a*5
Seated person, he chose to marry a woman much younger than
174 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF WOMEN AND MEN: DIFFERENT SOLITUDES 175

himself who could not match him intellectually. He asserted that their jjjey can measure it directly. They ask people to describe whether
"rhythm" together was wonderful. Although by objective standards ^ey are lonely and to rate how intense their loneliness is. Second,
the relationship was far less emotionally and intellectually intimate they can measure it indirectly, by asking people a number of specific
than it might have been, he said that it met his needs. His young wife questions about how often they interact with others, how intimate
did not work outside the home; she was always there for him. Obvi- they are with others, and how they feel when they spend time alone.
ously, he had filled the feedback gap, but we may question whether Comparisons of answers given under these direct and indirect ap-
he filled it meaningfully. I would predict that, as time passes, he will proaches reveal that many men secretly harbor important problems
feel lonely within his marriage, though we know that it is unlikely that with loneliness in their lives. Under direct questioning, men are less
he will admit it. likely than are women to admit to being lonely. But under indirect
In spite of progress toward gender equality, men still feel re- questioning, men actually report being more lonely than do women.
sponsible for initiating relationships, and they feel a strong sense of The man who asserted his positive solitude but could not eat alone
failure when they do not succeed. Men feel pressured by the wide- is a good example of this tendency. Under direct questioning, lonely
spread expectation that a man will easily reconnect with a new part- men reveal that they actually do experience negative emotions like
ner. If there are twice as many woman as men in a given age group, depression and anxiety, and they experience them more often than
a man appears inadequate if he does not have a partner or, at the least, do lonely women. The lonely men also put themselves down more
an active sex life. often. They tend to attribute their loneliness to personal failure,
A special problem for men is that when they are enduring that rather than to external, uncontrollable causes.8
set of negative emotions called loneliness, they are more likely to be Patterns of aloneness and emotional expression are different for
shunned if they let their feelings show. Canadian researchers asked women. Like men, women's experience of aloneness must be seen
two groups of their students to read a case study of a lonely individual in the context of their view of relationships. Women have broader
who felt depressed, inferior, and rejected. All the details of the case expectations for relationships than do men. It is rare that a woman
were identical for both groups, except that for one group the individ- considers her husband to be background noise. Surveys almost al-
ual was named Jim and for another group the individual was named ways tell us that women desire fully intimate relationships that in-
Sue. The students were then asked such questions as how acceptable clude affection and good two-way communication. Women actively
Sue or Jim would be as an acquaintance, close friend, or date. They work to build such relationships, if not with their husbands, than with
were also asked how disturbed Sue or Jim was. The results showed friends.
that when a man lets his loneliness show, people reject him more than Women's choices for relationships are limited compared to the
they would reject a woman in the same situation. Women rejected the choices available to men. Even if she wanted a husband who could be
lonely man more often than men did. These findings were similar to treated like background noise, a woman is unlikely to find such a
those of other studies that have shown that the depressed and lonely c
rnpliant man. (If nothing else, a compliant woman is usually younger
man is more rejected and more devalued and is considered more than her mate, and women marry men younger than themselves less
emotionally impaired than is the depressed and lonely woman.7 'ten than men marry younger women.) If she is financially success-
u1
Even many men who do value relationships and intimacy and ' it is also less likely that a woman will meet a man who is willing
0
who feel the emptiness of the feedback gap deeply cannot express be financially supported by her. It is less likely that she will meet
their emotions. To understand this difference between men an . man who can love her in spite of, or for, her intellectual or business
women better, let us again refer to some of the psychological & terests. Add these issues to demographic realities for women in
der
search. Researchers measure loneliness in one of two ways. Firs. age brackets and it is clear that women's choices are, indeed,
176 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF WOMEN AND MEN: DIFFERENT SOLITUDES 177

limited. Aside from the intrinsic value of relationships, this relative dealing with being alone. I have already pointed out the first differ-
lack of opportunity itself may lead women to value relationships more ence in styles: that women are more likely than are men to admit their
highly than do men. loneliness. Most researchers agree, too, that women are more likely
The scarcity of relationships leads many womenespecially to admit to themselves and to others the sadness or anger or fear that
those who are not familiar with positive solitudeto fear the end of they feel when they are alone. Men keep their feelings to themselves
and, therefore, often fail to deal with them.
the relationships they do have. Some women say that they desper-
ately fear being alone. The brave ones admit that they cringe at the A second difference in styles is that during their lives, women
develop more interpersonal skills than do men. From childhood on-
thought that while their husbands and lovers are comparing them with
ward, men are oriented to seeing their world in terms of achievement,
other women, they are comparing the husbands and lovers with
while women see their world in terms of relationships. Each has its
solitude. This fear leads them to rationalize staying in bad or mediocre
advantages and disadvantages, but because women are more in touch
relationships, as this woman does:
with the emotions on which relationships are based and because they
expect one day to be alonethat is, without an intimate partner
If you're lonely, you might go out with somebody you don't like or else
women usually develop better friendship-forming skills. Studies have
you might stick with a marriage to somebody who treats you badly.
shown that when they are newly alone, women more easily establish
He'll change, you say. Or, he needs me What you are really talking
about is being terrified of going on alone. Even though you're already a variety of new supporting relationships. Married men typically meet
lonely. The fear of being alone is so overwhelming, you won't even their emotional needs by relying on their spouses to create their
consider it. You may shout at each other to leave, you may say, we're social lives. Often a wife even chooses a couple's friends. Thus, as
through, 1 never want to see you again, but you don't sit down in a calm, new bachelors, men are relatively weak in the skills necessary for
very serious way and say, This is it. We can't go on like this. That is developing close friendships.
9
too scary. In young adulthood, these differences in relationship-building
skills have not yet become apparent. When men and women are in
Such blind fear leads women to make undignified choices. Because of their twenties and thirties, the difference in their friendship-forming
it, they stay in mediocre, or worse, relationships. Because of it they skills is masked. Work is a convenient source of friends for the men
may become mistresses, a role thatalthough enhanced by recent during this stage of life, and the women's greater skill is not visible
titles like "man sharer" and "new other woman"is demeaning. because they are so busy with their jobs and their families. In later
On the positive side, women are less surprised than are men at years, however, a person's friendships result more from personal
being alone. They expect to be alone, if not now, then someday. They mitiative. Typically older women continue to make new friends, while
are well aware of the statistics on widowhood and divorce. For many, lder men are less likely to do so. One study found that among people
preparation to be independent, psychologically and otherwise, be- ver age sixty-five, women had 38 percent more friends than did
comes an eminently logical goal. It is no coincidence that the author men.10
of the book you hold in your hands is a woman. Over their lifetimes both women and men pick up some positive
solitude skills. However, they tend to have different strengths and
We
aknesses in positive solitude. Given men's greater socialization
Different Styles for Coping Ward responsibility in business and financial affairs, we may realisti-
not ^a'ly expect them to be stronger at making decisions alone. They will
Given these differences between men and women, it is av
e the kinds of knowledge that will facilitate their decision-making
surprising that men and women have developed different styles V>
 WOMEN AND MEN: DIFFERENT SOLITUDES 179
178 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF

alone. They will also have ready access to experts, many of whom are life when the socially endorsed image of husband, mother, and chil-
male. Often men are raised specifically to be independent decision dren is not possible or perhaps not even desirable? Today women
makers. This independence is, of course, a weakness when collective alone are finding alternatives. Some choose single parenthood
decisions are called for, but in comparison to being raised as a help, through birth or adoption. Some become an active aunt.
mate, when you are alone it is a strength. Men start from a position of having learned that making a living
Women have more of the expressive abilities that help them to is meaningful in and of itself, and they can readily take their identity
find solace. Women pay close attention to their home environment. from it. Many ignore the issue of family. However, when family is
They have the homemaking interest and skills that help them to important to them and they are alone, they, too, must find imaginative
create a solacing personal space. Probably, too, a woman's home alternatives to create this kind of meaning in their lives. Because of
becomes solacing for her because it is closely involved with what she social stereotypes about parenting and nurturing, this task may be
learned about homemaking from her mother. Men may not be able particularly challenging for them. Thus, single men adopt children far
to find such solace in their home environments. They are unlikely to less often than do single women.
inherit their mothers' methods of homemaking. They are less likely For many people, work outside the home is highly meaningful,
to own solacing objects that were their mothers', such as the old and many find emotional closeness with business friends. Yet, as we
rolling pin or favorite jewelry. They are more likely to own objects have seen, the workplace is not always a good place to get close to
that remind them of their fathers, but there is some doubt that others. Again, gender has an effect. Schooled to expect closeness
associations to one's father are quite as comforting as those to one's with people regardless of their roles, women may take personally the
mother. It may be that men's intense interest in sports, especially the exclusion and impersonality of business friendships. Ultimately, they
ritual of learning statistics and reading the sports pages, is a way of discover that many of their work relationships are peculiarly unsatis-
maintaining solace and tradition. These may be the masculine ways fying. Men will be less likely to see impersonality at work as a
of maintaining ties to such comforting childhood activities as collect- problem, but some of them also discover that the personal meaning
ing things. they thought they would find in their work or in their friendships at
Another difference in style is that women are much more likely work is not really there for them.
than are men to enter therapy. In general, they give themselves more Our gender roles undoubtedly constrain women and men in their
opportunities for personal growth. They are more likely, for example, ability to cope with loneliness. Researchers have confirmed that drop-
consciously to develop their ability to put more fun, or more sensual- ping the extremes of these roles is helpful. In one study that explored
ity, or more learning, into their lives. Of course, entering therapy is the impact of gender-role conditioning on loneliness, a research team
not particularly useful if the therapy focuses on developing better or separated people into three categoriesthose who exhibit primarily
more relationships while ignoring positive solitude. Both women and "masculine" traits, such as assertiveness and independence; those
men need to be continually aware of how well their therapists incor- who exhibited primarily "feminine" traits, such as kindness and sensi-
porate positive solitude into the therapeutic experience. tivity to others; and those "androgynous" individuals who exhibited
The challenge of developing a meaningful life that includes both both sets of traits. They learned that people who exhibit the androgy-
self and others also differs for women and men. For many, the issue nous traits are significantly less likely to be lonely. Such people are
of family is basic. Many women believe that having a family is the assertive and take the initiative in relating to others. They also are
wi
most meaningful thing they can do. If they are alone, this beliet lling to be open about themselves in conversations with others.
1
becomes a major issue: There is no socially accepted standard ff ey are willing to help others by providing guidance and advicein
s
building this particular type of meaning into their lives. What is famw hort, they are good at establishing intimate relationships.11
180 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF WOMEN AND MEN: DIFFERENT SOLITUDES 181

Accounting for Gender Differences fact, you may love some of the people with whom you work. In
therapy, a major theme for you is likely to be the experiencing of
Though their styles differ, both women and men can achieve
emotions, both alone and in relationships.
positive solitude. Both can fill the feedback gap creatively and thor-
Of course, these are caricatures of the sexes. Many men will
oughly and lead satisfying, meaningful lives alone. Positive solitude
surely seek fully human relationships at work. Many women will be
is a balanced style of living. It is not only having fun or finding solace
excellent decision makers. Some men will create solace quite well for
or developing a philosophy. It is all these things. It means not missing
themselves. Some women will need to get in touch with their emo-
any of life's satisfactions. When it comes to developing the skills of
tions.
positive solitude, women and men should assess their strengths and
weaknesses with special sensitivity to their own gender-role social-
ization. It will be necessary for men and women who are alone to Common Problems
understand and to consider how their coping styles will differ because
We should remember that in their pursuit of positive solitude,
of their gender. Each should be sensitive to the influence of society
women and men also have many problems in common. One is age
and should value his or her uniqueness.
stereotyping. It is socially acceptable to revel in, say, the sensuality
If you are a women and strongly skilled in building friendships, of hard rock when you are twenty, but less acceptable when you are
consider how much you rely on your relationships to the exclusion forty. Though in reality solace is important to all people from child-
of positive solitude. Be careful to recognize the opportunities for hood onward, society may dictate that it is more acceptable to think
growth in positive solitude. Give yourself the time and the space to about solace when you are old.
experience these opportunities. When alone, draw on your ability to Another problem that both men and women who are alone will
find solace and on your willingness to be emotionally open with continue to face is social prejudice. As long as he does not let his
yourself. Ferret out any weaknesses in your decision-making pro- loneliness show, the single man will feel affirmed by those around
cesses, whether the weaknesses are in professional contacts or in him. If he admits to feeling depressed about his status, he may be
analytic skills. In therapy, a major theme for you is likely to be shunned. He may cope by avoiding his feelings and doing what society
solitude and self-sufficiency. In the realm of sensuality, explore op- expects of himleading the seemingly carefree bachelor existence.
portunities beyond the sexual. Having been socialized to focus on He will "take charge" of his life, but the cost to him will be a reduced
sexuality and attracting the opposite sex, involve yourself more fully capacity for real intimacy, both within himself and within his relation-
in other sensualities, such as nature, art, and sports. At work, recog- ships.
nize the differences between your emotional goals and the probable The single woman will face pity and put-downs, and she may feel
goals of your co-workers. While you may wish to help your co- an
gry and powerless. People may be willing to accept a woman who
workers be less callous and more intimate, you should also avoid Sa
ys that she is unhappy alone, but at the same time they will think
taking their indifference personally. s
tereotypically about how she should get out of her predicament. She
There are analogous issues if you are a man. Socialized to be "^ay be led to feel guilty about being alone and either to accept her
emotionally tough and independent, you may assume that you already 'Nation as inevitable or to accept substandard relationships. She may
do positive solitude. Recognize what you are missing emotionally ot
feel empowered to change her situation.
when you are alone, including the emotional deepening of solace afld People who are alone need to recognize these attitudes. When
the delights of sensualities other than sex and sports. Admit that yo^ e
y do socialize, they should choose people, other single men and
decision-making abilities are less than perfect. Acknowledge that, 0n
ien and enlightened couples, who will affirm their full person-
182 LIVING WITH YOUR SELF

hood. They must associate with people who affirm their positive
solitude. It is also important that they develop a philosophy of soli,
tude. Only the development of and unshaking belief in a personal
philosophy of solitude can adequately defend you against the negative
stereotypes you will so frequently face. You must define your self
before society does it for you.
Whether you are a man or a woman, one thing is clear. In your
pursuit of positive solitude, you should be cautious about using mem-
bers of the opposite sex as role models. The circumstances of
women's and men's lives differ in important ways, and in pursuing
positive solitude you will be wise to keep these circumstances in
mind.

Notes
1. Meryl Gordon, "Rough Times," New York Woman 2 (March 1988):
80-83.
2. Claude S. Fischer and Susan L. Phillips, "Who Is Alone? Social Charac-
teristics of People with Small Networks," in Letitia Anne Peplau and Daniel
Perlman, eds., Loneliness, A Sourcebook of Current Theory, Research and Ther-
apy (New York: John Wiley & Sons, 1982), 21-39.
3. Ibid.
4. Letitia Anne Peplau, et at., "Being Old and Living Alone," in Peplau and
Perlman, eds., Loneliness, 327-47.
5. Ibid.
6. Louise Bernikow, Alone in America: The Search for Companionship
(Boston: Faber and Faber, 1987), 61.
7. Fischer and Phillips, "Who Is Alone?"
8. Norman R. Schultz, Jr., and DeWayne Moore, "The Loneliness Experi-
ence of College Students: Sex Differences," Personality and Social Psychology
Bulletin 12 (March 1986): 111-19.
9. Suzanne McNear, "Crazy with Loneliness," Cosmopolitan, October
1987: 264.
10. Peplau, et al., "Being Old and Living Alone."
11. Mitchell T. Wittenberg and Harry T. Reis, "Loneliness, Social Skills, an<*
Social Perception," Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 12 (March 198W-
121-30.
 13
Finding Meaning
in a Life Alone
And Wisdom's self
Oft seeks to sweet retired solitude
Where, with her best nurse Contemplation,
She plumes her feathers, and lets grow her wings.
JOHN MILTON, Paradise Lost.

The message of positive solitude is that when you are alone, it

is possible to lead a highly satisfying life, that although your beliefs
about being alone may pull you into loneliness traps, by careful
thought and action you can overcome your social conditioning and
learn to practice a personal positive solitude. When you are alone, you
yourself can provide the feedback you need to survive. You can
provide feedback for yourself that is highly rewarding, loving, and
exciting. You can be self-sufficient economically and psychologically.
Yet, given the prevalent attitudes in our society, you may con-
tinue to be skeptical. You may realistically ask, "Is this enough? Can
l
^e person alone really lead a fulfilling life?"
These questions suggest another, more basic one: By whose
standards are we to decide what a fulfilling life is? The answer is, of

I
186 DEVELOPING A PHILOSOPHY OF SOLITUDE FINDING MEANING IN A LIFE ALONE 187

course, that only the individual human being can decide. Only the to explore positive solitude. Having achieved a large measure of
person who is responsible for running his or her life can judge what personal contentment, even happiness, in this stage, you will natu-
is fulfilling. Ultimately, each of us needs to develop beliefs and goals rally begin to ask broader questionsto contemplate what is unique
that make sense of who we are in our aloneness. No one else can allay about yourself and to explore the meaning of your life. Developing
our doubts about the meaningfulness of our lives. Our answers will a new life philosophy that includes positive solitude becomes a domi-
be found in the development of a personal philosophy for being alone. nant task.
Exploring our basic beliefs and goals is essential to the success- In its earliest form the philosophy of solitude is mainly a belief
ful experience of aloneness, and holding a personal philosophy for that positive solitude makes you happier. This elementary belief is
being alone is the ultimate antidote to loneliness. Dealing with these necessary to achieve positive solitude, and it sustains you as you
beliefs and goals is even more important to your well-being than is work to build new habits for being alone. At this early point, however,
dealing with the more mundane issue of daily loneliness because the you are testing the idea of positive solitude, rather than really devel-
belief system is the basis from which all other approaches to your oping it. Your philosophy of solitude is, in a way, borrowed, because
aloneness derive. Your ability to deal with the bad times, to overcome you simply have not had enough experience in positive solitude to
pressures to "meet people," and to deal with all the other separate build something more. Gradually, however, creating your own philos-
issues that face the person alone will be enhanced if you have a per- ophy of solitude becomes a major interest, truly an exploration that
spective on them that comes from a personal philosophy of solitude. you embark upon as a major source of deep personal satisfaction.
Individuals who do not see themselves as primarily alone also Your philosophy will emerge from your own experience.
need a philosophy, a kind of life plan, of course, but while leading their Though developing a personal philosophy of positive solitude
busy lives they are less likely to recognize its importance. Further- includes understanding the feedback gap and changing your behavior
more, society conveniently defines for them many molds that fit their accordingly, it also goes well beyond them. For one thing, it means
lives. It recognizes distinct norms for married life and for family life. that you will address the basic issue of why one type of feedback is
For the person who is alone, however, norms are relatively un- meaningful to you while another is not. Why, for example, is reading
formed, and to maintain a psychological equilibrium, it is crucial to a book better than watching television (if it is for you)? Why is
develop a philosophy. seeking emotional independence better than looking for love? How
If you don't build a coherent philosophy, you are more likely to important to you are the kinds of feedback that you get from your
fall back into the loneliness traps. You will be more susceptible to work? How much contact do you want with others? What type of
society's mistaken notions of the ideal life. As a counterbalance, you contact do you want?
need to articulate why you are alone, what is positive about it, and Your manner of deciding is just as personal as the contents of
what is negative about it. your decision. Do you like to be spontaneous in your decision making
The development of a personal philosophy of solitude is rooted or
do you relish structure and planning? What time perspectives make
in the awareness phase of positive solitude. When you begin to Se
nse to you? Developing a philosophy for solitude is not merely the
understand the "problem" of loneliness, you often gain your first 0r,
e-time act of establishing your beliefs. It is also a process of under-
inkling that adopting a new attitude toward being alone may change handing and developing your preferred, continuing ways of making
your life. As you then start to alter some of your counterproductive visions about beliefs. It is a highly individualized, creative explora-
behaviors, you are rewarded by seeing the loneliness fade and y ur 10n
in which people design their own unique processes and by which
new understanding strengthened. Pe
ple select the content that seems important to them.
As you spend more of your time alone, you begin deliberate!, During your exploration, three themes will emerge. The first
188 DEVELOPING A PHILOSOPHY OF SOLITUDE
FINDING MEANING IN A LIFE ALONE 189

theme is your search for meaning. You will begin to ask yourself su^ Modern life has made it easy for us to acquire meaningless
questions as, "What is really meaningful to me?" and "What is impor. habits; it has addicted us to the quick fix. Instead of devoting our-
tant to my life?" One of my favorite questions to explore is, "Were selves to deepening human relationships, for example, we are likely
I to project myself into the last hours of my life, looking back, what to busy ourselves with clubs and other activities. Instead of finding
would my regrets and satisfactions be?" a vocation, we take the highest-paying job. Instead of taking the time
A second theme will be your relationship with others. You wi]] to find something good to read, we flip on the tube. It is not that we
begin to ask yourself, "Now that I understand and live positive soli- necessarily enjoy the fast life or the television programs or the less-
tude, what is to be my relationship with other people? What does love than-satisfying work any more than we would enjoy their more mean-
mean in my life? What is the role of responsibility? What do others ingful alternatives. But they do reward us immediately, and they are
contribute to me, and what do I give to them?" highly convenient. We often find, however, that we become bored
The third theme is your potential for self-fulfillment. You will with them after a time, and they leave us curiously unfulfilled.
begin to ask yourself, "In a life lived alone, how can I become yet more Unfortunately, realizing the lure of the quick fix does not itself
creative and self-actualized? What new avenues are open to me?" change our behavior. Often we know what is meaningful, yet we
This chapter is the first of three that are devoted to these basic cannot do what is meaningful. The problem of finding meaning is
themes. analogous to losing weight or augmenting our physical exercise. Want-
ing to changeexerting will poweris not enough to cause change.
We will continue doing the less meaningful things because they have
Finding Your Personal Meanings
become reinforcing to us. Perhaps our friends are doing them or the
To achieve positive solitude, you must figure out how to fill the routine of doing them has itself become comfortable. Initially, the more
feedback gap with activities and ideas that are personally meaningful. meaningful alternatives are not practiced enough to become reinforc-
Without meaning in life, we actually feel lonely for our selves. To ing in themselves. Sadly, when we know what is meaningful and then
demonstrate this point, let us look closely at a quotation from a letter do meaningless things anyway, we get discouraged about our ability to
to Clark Moustakas in response to his book Loneliness. In the letter, change. We learn to mistrust our own judgment.
a reader describes his own realization of the need for meaning. I have The journey to meaning requires not only that we recognize
italicized the more relevant ideas: what is good for us, whether physically, mentally, or spiritually, but
that we pursue it with a definite plan. A person decides what is truly
The vacuum of "being," if not filled with the substance of life-realiw "nportant to him or her and then actively plans a life around these
in depth . . . will gain so much power that our people will collapse "leanings. In a life that is well planned, eventually healthy and mean-
inwardly in the clutter of their own psychic debris. The loneliness eacn mgful pursuits will seem to come naturally.
man feels is his hunger for life itself, not only life in his being, but /' Setting and pursuing meaningful goals requires understanding
in the being of creation, past, present and future.' our lives in context. We must each become students of ourselves and
Ur
environments. An important piece of this learning is understand-
Not only does this writer recognize the feedback gapthe vacuuf 8 the culture in which we live. In his role as social critic, psycholo-
of beingand its great importance to his happiness, he 8181
B. F. Skinner pointed out that modern cultures are more often
understands m
shing than rewarding. In today's societies people do things pri-
that filling it requires more than merely keeping busy. Filling it I ^uy to escape that punishment. We study not so much to get ahead
quires living life deeply rather than superficially. It requires an act1 to
learn as to avoid the failure of low grades or of flunking out.
search"life in the being of creation."
 FINDING MEANING IN A LIFE ALONE 191
190 DEVELOPING A PHILOSOPHY OF SOLITUDE

People work not for the love of what they are doing but to avoid losing When people do not study what they want to learn; when they
their income. Similarly, we may find ourselves "loving" other people do not work at what they really want to spend their life doing; when
because we are afraid that they will leave us. they need others, rather than want others, then they eventually lose
In contrast, the goals in a rewarding culture are clear and predict- touch with their own needs and dreams. This is one way of saying
able. People can actually look forward to their rewardsa vacation, that life becomes meaningless to them.
the completion of a project, an anniversary. In rewarding systems, So we too often study and work and even love to avoid punish-
individuals can decide what they want and then go for it. Having ment, not primarily because we like what we are studying or because
satisfied one desire, they can happily and confidently move on to we believe in our work or because we have found people who fasci-
satisfying another. They feel in control of their lives. One of the most nate us. Society compensates us for living in this meaningless way.
pleasant aspects of committed relationships, whether one to one or We are "rewarded" for studying what we do not want to study and
in groups and communities, is this ability to look ahead toward mutual for performing tasks that we do not wish to perform by such induce-
rewards. One goal of a positive solitude philosophy is to establish this ments as career advancement and money. Then, on weekends or, if
kind of affirmative control in our lives. we survive, in retirement, society encourages us to use our position
In the punishing environments in which we live, people do not or our money to acquire for ourselves things that are interesting,
usually know exactly where and how the punishments will be adminis- tasty, sexy, or beautiful. Instant gratifications are substituted for the
tered. They do not know when they might lose their jobs or if their truly meaningful in our lives.
spouses will leave them. We Americans spend a lot of energy worry- Ultimately, whether instinctively or consciously, we do not find
ing about where the next punishment is likely to come from and the constant diet of instant gratification to be satisfying. As Skinner
defending ourselves. In the short term, we worry about keeping our pointed out:
jobs or our partners. In the long term, we worry about how to support
our parents or ourselves. Escaping punishments becomes a major It may not seem that one could fail to enjoy a life spent looking at
goal in our lives. beautiful things, eating delicious foods, watching entertaining perform-
What happens to people who live in this kind of society? Psy- ances, and playing roulette, but it would be a life in which almost
chologists have done extensive studies on the effects of punishing nothing else was done, and few of those who have been able to try it
environments on rats. When the animals are trained by being pun- have been notably happy. What is wrong with life in the West is not
ished for doing wrong, rather than being rewarded for doing right, that it has too many reinforcers, but that they are not contingent on
the kinds of behavior that sustain the individual.2
they become incessantly, anxiously active. In a real sense, they are
constantly trying to avoid the inevitable. Since they do not know
exactly when a punishment will be administered, they never cease Existentialist psychologist Rollo May reached a similar conclusion,
their neurotic vigilance. Similarly, human beings who live in punishing albeit by way of a different theoretical approach. As May put the issue:
environments become stressed and anxious. They are hyperactively
vigilant. When people are in the habit of trying to avoid punishmeflt We in the Western world are the heirs of four centuries of technical
achievement in power over nature and now over ourselves; this is our
in such important areas of their lives as work, they carry the hab1
greatness and, at the same time, it is also our greatest peril. We are
over into other parts of their lives as well. They take their anxietf
not in danger of denying the technical emphasis. . . . But rather we
home with them, acting as though they are constantly trying to pr0- repress the opposite, the awareness of being. . . . One consequence of
tect themselves. Often they are afraid to do nothing. They canfl0 this repression of the sense of being is that modern man's image of
relax. They are afraid to be alone.
 FINDING MEANING IN A LIFE ALONE 193
192 DEVELOPING A PHILOSOPHY OF SOLITUDE

himself and his experience and concept of himself as a responsible tion, in intimacy, and in contributions to the well-being of others. In
individual have likewise disintegrated.3 short and long bursts, over a period of four years, I chose to work
on this book, rather than write more articles or do more consulting.
Meaninglessness is what we are left with when we let others fill the You will not be surprised to learn that I prefer to minimize my
feedback gap with their threats of punishment and their trivial enter- dependence on entertainments, though I do tend to fall back on them
tainments. It characterizes the life we lead when we do not face our and really enjoy them when I am tired out by other activities. I believe
selves, alone, when we do not find our own meanings and when we that the kinds of behaviors that are healthy and meaningful involve
do not set our own goals and find true rewards. Alienation is the guilt learning, personal growth, providing security for myself or others,
we feel when we fail to be who we are. helping, and solving problems. Fortunately, I am able to pursue these
goals through a career that includes a great deal of teaching and
Our goal, then, must be to make productive decisions that will writing. In addition, I am interested in understanding character, both
lead us toward the discovery of our own meaning. Finding such my own and that of others. To this end, I read widely in the psycho-
personal meaning has been a major theme in Western literature, from logical literature. I often focus on making and finding peace in my life.
Joseph Conrad to William Styron.4 Novelist Herman Hesse, whom You can see that in my life there are many ways to meaning. I
Moustakas quotes frequently as an expert on loneliness, put the issue relish this variety. Another person might opt for only one major
pursuit or perhaps for even more variety than I have chosen.
most eloquently:
Each man has only one genuine vocationto find the way to himself. He
might end up as poet or madman, as prophet or criminalthat [is] not Solitude as a Path to Meaning
his affair, ultimately it [is] of no concern. His task [is] to discover his own I get in touch with my own meanings through solitude. Probably
destinynot an arbitrary oneand live it out wholly and resolutely
the most important aspect of gaining control over one's life is simply
within himself. Everything else [is] only a would-be existence, an at-
making decisionsand making them alone. Make decisions that mat-
tempt at evasion, a flight back to the ideals of the masses, conformity and
fear of one's own inwardness. The new vision rose up before me, ter about who you are and what you are going to pursue. Decide how
glimpsed a hundred times, possibly even expressed before but now your time will be structured. Make your decisions and then imple-
experienced for the first time by me. I was an experiment on the part of ment them. As the existentialist philosopher Jean Paul Sartre put it,
Nature, a gamble within the unknown, perhaps for a new purpose, "We are our choices."6 And Moustakas wrote:
perhaps for nothing, and my only task was to allow this game on the part
of primeval depths to take its course, to feel its will within me and make The self cannot develop unless there is freedom, choice, and responsi-
it wholly mine. That or nothing!5 bility, unless each person experiences his own senses and becomes an
active force in life, free to choose and select, free to feel and express
I will not here presume to describe what meanings, or even what openly and honestly the nature of these feelings, free to identify with
types of meanings, you will discover in your personal exploration. T living forces, with alive persons who encourage growth in individual
do so would violate the very notion of this exploration. But let me give identity, who value being for itself, and who can enable the person to
engage himself and be committed to meaningful inquiry and activity.7
you an example.
For me, as I write this, the major lines of meaning in my life &e
Having decided to embark upon this exploration to meaning, what
clear. Usually, I find that there is more meaning in activities that have tn
should you take? There are as many paths as individuals, yet with
significant long-term, rather than short-term, payoffs in self-satisfac'
194 DEVELOPING A PHILOSOPHY OF SOLITUDE FINDING MEANING IN A LIFE ALONE 195

some commonality among them. First, avoid meaningless activities^ fences in which he entered into his private thoughts in search of new
however you choose to define themin all aspects of your life ^ t h and meaning:
Second, be aware of the process itselfhow you have decided to
pursue meaning in your life. Whatever your personal idea of what is At times, life is empty and meaningless and ugly and terribly, terribly
meaningful, the journey to meaning itself is crucial to your personal denying and isolating. I walk for hours, talking to myself, trying to make
sense of well-being, and the path begins with spending a significant sense out of the senselessness and shock. Then I find an isolated spot,
amount of time alone. Remember, too, that our modern society inun- I sit under a tree, and waves of feeling assault me, cover me intensely,
until I am shattered and my mind is empty of all thought. I wait,
dates us with more stimulation, and more intense stimulation, than any
mindlessly, for some new hope to emerge, for some sign in the uni-
other society in history. The world is shrinking, and there is less and
verse to make a new beginning. In a trance, I remain simply present,
less space in which we can be alone.8 Solitude, deliberately pursued,
rooted in nature, and, by some very gradual, mysterious process, I
can help you to overcome this feedback overload. return to a consciousness of my own existence. "Does the way I live
Reduce your external stimulation so you can experience inner really matter?"10
feelings and voices, memories and interpretations. As research psy-
chologist Suedfeld pointed out: Author-philosopher Alice Roller wrote a careful autobiographical
account of a personal exploration that occupied several months. 11
We are at last coming to realize the aversiveness of the social and Distanced from her family and friends and even from her self, Roller
sensory overload that bombards us almost constantly. It has taken a had contemplated suicide. She felt she had no reason to live. Emotion-
long time. The fish is not aware of the water, as a general rule. But ally stretched and with few financial resources, she decided to spend
when the water becomes first dirty and then poisonous, and the fish the last of her money to rent a house on Nantucket for the winter.
gets sick, it willif it is a thinking and self-aware fisheventually
Her life felt meaningless, yet instinctively she knew she had to be
recognize the existence of a problem. And picine psychologists will
"really alone." 12 Early in her book, she describes a positive solitude
start teaching their schools the facts, as human psychologists are begin-
high during which she trembles in wonder: "I have a goal." She
ning to pass the word about the effects of crowding, noise, information
adopts a puppy and names him Logos, the Greek word for meaning.
overload, future shock, lack of privacy, and the rest. The antidote is
solitude, stillness, and time out. In an environment with fewer frantic She spends all her time alone on the island in a quest for personal
distractions, we can learn once again to appreciate the important things weaning.
that we have been driven to ignore.9 Near the end of her stay, Roller expresses a fear of people's
*nfluence on her: "Will I be free, back among people again? Will I be
Once environmental overload is reduced, energy is released in the able to guard against trying to please them at all costs?" 13 She does
n
individual for pursuit of more personally relevant interests. There is t want her new equilibrium, a crucial part of her positive solitude,
to
more air time for your own thoughts and feelings. An additional be disturbed. Ultimately, too, we learn that Roller finds personal
reward is that you will experience the environmental inputs that sti leaning in a new sense of time in her life. She realizes as she is
exist, be they sensory experiences or appreciation of other human having the island that, "I don't need to condense this into one parting
beings, with increased freshness and intensity. Memory: I have three months of days to remember." 14
Withdrawal from everyday stimulations must be coupled wi What meanings will you discover when you are alone? The
enough patience to listen to yourself. Moustakas has had many exp Meanings will be inseparable from your own experience of solitude.
196 DEVELOPING A PHILOSOPHY OF SOLITUDE FINDING MEANING IN A LIFE ALONE 197

When we are spending too much of our psychic time in abstractions often cold enough to make my bridle-hand quite numb At a slow pace,
and conversations, solitude helps us to recapture a more primitive which would have seemed intolerable under other circumstances, I
and profound mode of living, and in this mode we may find new would ride about for hours together at a stretch. On arriving at a hill, I
would slowly ride to its summit, and stand there to survey the prospect.
meanings. William James suggested that modern man has forgotten
On every side it stretched away in great undulations, wild and irregular.
that he has the ability to be alone, but that with some deliberation this
How gray it all was! Hardly less so near at hand than on the haze-
ability can be recovered:
wrapped horizon where the hills were dim and the outline obscured by
distance. Descending from my outlook, I would take up my aimless
The savages and children of nature, to whom we deem ourselves so wanderings again, and visit other elevations to gaze on the same land-
much superior, certainly are alive where we often are dead, along these scape from another point; and so on for hours. And at noon I would
lines . . . "Ah! my brother," said a chieftain to his . . . guest, "thou wilt dismount, and sit or lie on my folded poncho for an hour or longer. One
never know the happiness of both thinking of nothing and doing noth- day in these rambles I discovered a small grove composed of twenty or
ing. This, next to sleep, is the most enchanting of all things."15
thirty trees, growing at a convenient distance apart, that had evidently
been resorted to by a herd of deer or other wild animals. This grove was
James also captured one man's experience of a particularly marvelous on a hill differing in shape from other hills in its neighborhood; and, after
solitude that I have included here. While reading, note that the a time, I made a point of finding and using it as a resting-place every day
speaker loosely but actively structures his long periods of solitude; at noon. I did not ask myself why I made [the] choice of that one spot,
he establishes a routine within which being alone is one theme. This sometimes going out of my way to sit there, instead of sitting down
structuring is a factor in many personal explorations. The speaker under any one of the millions of trees and bushes on any other hillside.
describes a winter he spent in the Rio Negro, a province in Patagonia, I thought nothing about it, but acted unconsciously. Only afterward it
seventy or eighty miles from the sea: seemed to me that, after having rested there once, each time I wished to
rest again, the wish came associated with the image of that particular
It was my custom to go out every morning on horseback with my gun, clump of trees, with polished stems and clean bed of sand beneath; and
and, followed by one dog, to ride away from the valley; and no sooner in a short time I formed a habit of returning, animal like, to repose at that
would I climb the terrace, and plunge into the gray, universal thicket, same spot.
than I would find myself as completely alone as if five hundred instead of It was, perhaps, a mistake to say that I would sit down and rest,
only five miles separated me from the valley and river. So wild and since I was never tired; and yet, without being tired, that noon-day
solitary and remote seemed that gray waste, stretching away into pause, during which I sat for an hour without moving, was strangely
infinitude, a waste untrodden by man, and where the wild animals are so grateful. All day there would be no sound, not even the rustling of a
few that they have made no discoverable path in the wilderness of leaf. One day, while listening to the silence, it occurred to my mind to
thorns Not once nor twice nor thrice, but day after day I returned to wonder what the effect would be if I were to shout aloud. This seemed
this solitude, going to it in the morning as if to attend a festival, and at the time a horrible suggestion, which almost made me shudder. But
leaving it only when hunger and thirst and the westering sun compeUed during those solitary days it was a rare thing for any thought to cross
me. And yet I had no object in going,no motive which could be put into my mind. In the state of mind I was in, thought had become impossible.
words; for, although I carried a gun, there was nothing to shoot,^ the My state was one of suspense and watchfulness; yet I had no expecta-
shooting was all left behind in the valley Sometimes I would pasS I tion of meeting an adventure, and felt as free from apprehension as I
whole day without seeing one mammal, and perhaps not more than feel now while sitting in a room in London. The state seemed familiar
dozen birds of any size. The weather at that time was cheerless rather than strange, and accompanied by a strong feeling of elation; and
generally with a gray film of cloud spread over the sky, and a bleak w"1 ' * did not know that something had come between me and my intellect
198 DEVELOPING A PHILOSOPHY OF SOLITUDE FINDING MEANING IN A LIFE ALONE 199

until I returned to my former self,to thinking, and the old insipid TOYO: You make me nervous. Why do you pay so much attention
existence [again].16 to me?
WATANABE: It's because....
This man puts a simple structure in his days. He is not merely lying TOYO: Because why?
around in revery. Noras is often the case when a person is physi- WATANABE: Well, I just enjoy being with you.
TOYO: I hope it isn't love.
cally and mentally inactive for long periodsis he experiencing a
WATANABE: No, it's not. . . .
depression. He is moving and observing. He is deliberate in his
TOYO: Why don't you speak more clearlysay what you mean! . . .
exploration of the unknown. The resulting reflections are on a plane
WATANABE: . . . I don't know myself . . . why I like being with you.
of consciousness not familiar to most of us, and the result for him All I know is that . . . is that I'm going to die soon. I have
has obviously been profound. Of course, we do not know whether, gastric cancer . . . In here. You understand? I have less than a
given the same circumstances, most of us would have a similar ex- year to live. And when I found that out . . . then, somehow, I
perience. We can only guess at what is beyond the primitive feeling was drawn to you. Once when I was a little boy I nearly
he describes. Once it has been experienced, does one continually drowned. It is just that feeling. Darkness is everywhere and
seek it? Does one get bored with it? What happens when it is de- there is nothing for me to hold on to, no matter how I try.
sired, but cannot be obtained? We can only say for certain that for There is only you.
TOYO: What about your son?
this man the experience had meaning, and we can imagine that for
all of us who are bound by modern society, similar experiences may WATANABE: Don't even talk about him. I have no son; I'm all alone.
TOYO: Don't talk like that.
be worth trying.
WATANABE: You don't understand. My son is somewhere far away,
just as my parents were far away when I was drowning. I can't
Finding Guidance in Models and Counseling bear to think about it.
Finding models who exemplify meaning in their lives is another
way of finding avenues to our own personal meanings. I once found Thus, Watanabe, with an unimaginably sad face, describes his pro-
found loneliness. The dialogue continues:
such a model in a character in the film Ikiru, by the Japanese director
Akira Kurosawa. In English Ikiru means simply "to live." In the film
TOYO: But what help am I?
a man searching for meaning in his life tries to understand why a naive W
girl whom he meets seems important to him. The central character, ATANABE: YOU . . . well, just to look at you makes me feel better.
I t . . . it warms this . . . (He looks down). . . this mummy heart
Watanabe, is a solitary and grumpy old man who is a minor clerk
of mine. And you are kind to me. No, that's not it. It's because
a city-government bureaucracy. We first see him sitting at his des
you are so young and healthy. No, it isn't that either. (He rises,
hiding behind two-foot stacks of paperwork. Watanabe learns tha comes to her side of the table, sits down; she is repelled, and tries
has stomach cancer and knowing that he has less than a year to to move farther away.) You are so full of life and . . . and I'm
despairs that his life has been wasted. In the time left to him, envious of that. If only I could be like you for one day before I
dl
determined to find out how to live. By chance he meets an or i e. I won't be able to die unless I can be. Oh, I want to do
s
young woman, Toyo, who makes toys in a manufacturing P ^' jS mething. Only you can show me. I don't know what to do. I
0n
realizes that he wants to spend time just being with her. t know how to do it. Maybe you don't either, but, please, if
you
reluctant: can, show me how to be like you.
200 DEVELOPING A PHILOSOPHY OF SOLITUDE
FINDING MEANING IN A LIFE ALONE 201
TOYO: I don't know. If I haven't got anything else to do, I'll make a pie for somebody, one
WATANABE: HOW can I be like you? . of the neighbors that I hear is going to have companyget busy and
TOYO: But all I do is work and eatthat's all. do something, no matter what it isjust keep busy. Even if you can't
WATANABE: Really? do anything else but sit down and make paper flowersmake them.
TOYO: Really. That and make toys like this one. (She has a toy If you don't know how to do itthen throw them away and make some
rabbit in her pocket. She takes it out, winds it up, puts it on the
more. Make cookies, give them away; gee, there's always places where
table in front of them; it hops toward him; she picks it up, starts it
you can take pounds of cookiesorphanages . . . Lake Bluff. I often
over again.) That's all I do, but it's fun. I feel as if I were friends
go up there during the wintertime. I'll make cookies, then hope for a
with all the children in Japan now. Mr. Watanabe, why don't you
do something like that, too? good day and take them up there, and those kids love them, you know,
WATANABE: What can I do at the office? and it's wonderful. You come home and you think, "Gee, I did some-
TOYO: That's true. Well then, resign and find some other work. thing," you know. The space you're occupying counts for something.17
WATANABE: It's too late. (Cut to her looking at him; then cut to both
of them with the mechanical rabbit between them.) One systematic way to search for your personal meaning is
WATANABE: No, it's not. It isn't impossible. (A shot of him, with through guided counseling. Victor Frankl's logotherapy, which I de-
tears in his eyes. She is afraid; she moves back. He suddenly turns scribed in chapter 11, emphasizes that meaning in life is to be found
to her, smiling; she shrinks back.) in the process of achieving a goal, the exploration itself, more than
WATANABE: I can do something if I really want to! in any particular end goal. Frankl was so convinced that the path to
meaning is central to life adjustment that he would actually provide
With new insight into the potential for meaning in his life, Watanabe goals for clients who could not discover them for themselves. Though
returns to his office. He takes the first document from one of the huge criticized by other professional colleagues for interfering in the lives
stacks on his desk and reads it. It is a petition from some women in of his clients, Frankl believed that as long as clients had goals, they
a slum district who want to turn a vacant city lot into a park for their could focus happily on the process of achieving them.
children. These women have been continually rebuffed by the system.
The rest of the film describes Watanabe's quest to help them. For
Creating a Life Myth
months he does anything he can to create the park. He cuts through
the bureaucracy. He humbles himself. In the end we see him sitting
In the search for meaning, it can be valuable to have what may
alone on a swing in the park he has created. It is snowing. He 's b
e called a life myth or life mapa general plan and philosophy about
singing to himself; he knows he will die there alone and happy-
w to live. Thoreau created such a life map in Walden, which was
Watanabe observed the life around him and discovered that s
rouch a plan for his life as a description of the beautiful environment
girl's simple pleasure in doing meaningful work, making toys to delig
"J which the plan was created. Obviously, most of us do not have
children, could be his as well. The girl did not recognize her o 0r
eau's literary talent and would not wish to publish our written
meaning for what it was, for its importance or centrality in her liie'
Still, most of us could write a simple diary that would collect
the fictional Watanabe, like the real person Alice Roller, had come
we have learned about ourselves and our meanings and that
crossroads. Facing his own death, he forced himself to face his > d
> m the midst of a confusing and distracting world, remind us
Less dramatic scenarios are played out around us daily, as P ,
j ^ . r Personally meaningful paths. One of Thoreau's biographers
try to build meaning into their lives. Here is a modern widow, Q
inc'rnted o u t that after Thoreau left Walden Pond, his life myth became
by the noted researcher Helena Znaniecki Lopata: Sln
gly important to him.18 In the drawn-out process of revising
202 DEVELOPING A PHILOSOPHY OF SOLITUDE FINDING MEANING IN A LIFE ALONE 203

Walden, Thoreau kept alive and elaborated upon the myth of person- follows that your experience, indeed your life, will feel trivial and
ality and experience that helped to give meaning to his existence. meaningless.
Once Thoreau was back in society, the life mode that Walden We need to challenge the beliefs that life is meaningful only when
represented for him began to change. The day before the book was it is lived in the context of others and that it is most meaningful when
published, he wrote, "Methinks I have spent a rather unprofitable one is contributing to the well-being of others. Rather than accept
summer thus far. I have been too much with the world, as the poet these beliefs as fact, we should consider the view that, with respect
might say."19 Having spent more time with other people, Thoreau felt to involvement of self and others, there are probably many different
himself more susceptible to their influence, as is revealed in his approaches to meaning. Adopting this view is an important part of the
remark, "My companion tempts me to certain licenses of speech, i.e. positive-solitude experience. You can discover meaning in the inter-
to reckless and sweeping expressions."20 Having worked so hard in ests you pursue for yourself alone, in the interests you pursue with
the preceding years to distance himself from the opinions and expec- others you know only casually, in the interests you pursue with
tations of his townsmen, Thoreau for a time found himself becoming others you know intimately, and in the interests you pursue for or
more vulnerable and defensive and less serene. Of course, later his with the larger society. Most people will pursue each of these types
serenity was to return. A visitor to Thoreau shortly before he died of meaning at some time in their lives; the "proper" mix of these
remarked that he had never seen anyone die with such peace. It components is unknown, however. It is highly dependent on individ-
seems clear from his subsequent writings that Thoreau journeyed ual circumstances, and it is the individual's right to explore the possi-
beyond the ideas of Walden as he grew older. Nevertheless, the map bilities. In the next chapter we will investigate more fully this impor-
guided him wonderfully for a time. Today we are fortunate to have tant question of meaning in contexts that include other people.
it because it has provided the basis for a life myth for many other
people as well.
Notes

Of Meaning and Aloneness 1. Clark Moustakas, Individuality and Encounter (Cambridge, Mass.:
Howard A. Doyle Publishing Co., 1968), 115.
Humankind is destined to search for meaning, and there are 2. B. F. Skinner, "What Is Wrong with Daily Life in the Western World?"
many paths to it. I cannot here define the spectrum of possible American Psychologist 41 (May 1986): 568-74.
meanings that may be experienced in modern times. We are only a 3. Rollo May, "The Emergence of Existential Psychology," in Rollo May,
E
the beginning of understanding such possibilities. *istential Psychology (New York: Random House, 1960), 3.
Yet some may still doubt that the discovery of "true" meanmi 4- Carin M. Rubenstein and Phillip Shaver, "The Experience of Loneli-
ln
is possible in solitude. Individuals who are alone may doubt ' Letitia Anne Peplau and Daniel Perlman, eds., Loneliness: A Sourcebook
Ul7ent Theor
2to y. Research and Therapy (New York: John Wiley & Sons, 1982),
ability to find meaning alone. They may doubt the legitimacy of n
for meaning that is discovered primarily in themselves. Are 5
- Quoted in Moustakas, Individuality and Encounter, 30.
meanings legitimate that would be found only in the explore 6
- Quoted in May, "The Emergence of Existential Psychology, " 13.
your own creativity, the development of your sensuality, the Moustakas, Individuality and Encounter, 10.
sion of your intellectual capabilities, or the development ^e Jov3- ' " o m a s Merton, Love and Living (San Diego, Calif.: Harcourt Brace
physical capabilities? If you believe that meanings discovere ^ c h , 1979), 16
9 E> r
self are less worthwhile than are meanings discovered anio g Perifl. Suedfeld, "Aloneness as a Healing Experience," in Peplau and
human beings and if you then cannot connect with other . ' e d s., Loneliness, 65.
204 DEVELOPING A PHILOSOPHY OF SOLITUDE

10. Moustakas, Individuality and Encounter, 30-31.

11. Alice Roller, An Unknown Woman (New York: Bantam Books, 1981).
12. Ibid., 2.
13. Ibid., 253.
14. Ibid., 256.
14
15. William James, "On a Certain Blindness in Human Beings," in Josephine
Miles, ed., Classic Essays in English (Boston: Little, Brown & Co., 1961),
And Who Are
236-37.
16. Ibid. 237-38.
17. Helen Znaniecki Lopata, "Loneliness: Forms and Components," in Rob-
All These Others?
ert S. Weiss, ed., Loneliness, the Experience of Emotional Isolation (Cambridge,
Mass.: MIT Press, 1975), 111.
18. Richard Lebeaux, Thoreau's Seasons (Amherst, Mass.: University of
Massachusetts Press, 1984). Though I am surrounded by people, I am beginning to realize
19. Quoted in ibid., 201. how lonely I am. I feel as if I live in two houses. In one I am
huddled together with my family. In the other I am all alone,
20. Ibid.
looking for someone to talk to.
ANNE LASOFF, "Writing in the Real World"

In developing a personal philosophy of solitude, at some point

you will consider issues that concern your self in your relation to
others. Can individuals really nurture themselves alone? Is together-
ness necessary in some way? If togetherness is necessary, how much
s needed? What type is needed? If it is not necessary, then how much
togetherness may be preferred? What types of togetherness may be
Preferred? All these questions and more must be considered when
you are creating a personal philosophy of solitude. The only rule is
na
t as students of positive solitude, we no longer assume that togeth-
ern
ess is the ultimate answer. Instead, in the context of positive
outude, we assume that togetherness is one important question.
206 DEVELOPING A PHILOSOPHY OF SOLITUDE AND WHO ARE ALL THESE OTHERS? 2 0 7

Do People Need Each Other? Early in life children create their very identities by taking their cues
from others. The issues we have been exploring in this book so far
Certainly, children need their parents, but what is really true of gre related to the infant's earliest internal question, "Who am I and
adults? Do we really need others? Information available on this issue what does it mean to be here alone?" But as life progresses, it is
is mixed. At one extreme are studies of individuals who have lived inevitable that we will also ask the question, "What does it mean to
almost totally alone. The hermits of antiquity, monks of ancient and be here alonewith all these others?" Certainly, as adults, when we
modern times, and individual ancient and modern explorers are all want to understand our own solitude, our need to understand our
examples. If togetherness is innate, then these people have success- relationships also deepens. Because of their childhood habit, and to
fully fought their instincts. They often feel complete peace and con- meet their needs as they grow older, adults also ask themselves,
tentment in their aloneness, and they seldom feel an overpowering "Who are all these others? Do I like them? Can I trust them?"
or enduring drive to return to the company of others. Their moments
Much of philosophy, literature, and social science has been de-
of loneliness for others are often short-lived, as was this experience
voted to this question of relationships, and I will not presume even
described by Henry David Thoreau at Walden Pond:
to encapsulate the discussion here. But let us focus on the issue of
relationships in one special case, the case of the person who is
I have never felt lonesome, or in the least oppressed by a sense of
seeking positive solitude. What place do others have in the lives of
solitude, but once, and that was a few weeks after I came to the woods,
when, for an hour, I doubted if the near neighborhood of man was not people who believe in positive solitude? For them, what does togeth-
essential to a serene and healthy life. To be alone was something erness, or otherness, really mean?
unpleasant. But I was at the same time conscious of a slight insanity In all societies there is a tension between togetherness and
in my mood, and seemed to foresee my recovery. In the midst of a solitude. In the United States this tension is resolved more toward
gentle rain while these thoughts prevailed, I was suddenly sensible of the pole of togetherness. The predominant belief in American society
such sweet and beneficent society in Nature, in the very pattering of is that positive solitude is impossible. This belief has been called "the
the drops, and in every sound and sight around my house, an infinite impossibility of individuality."2
and unaccountable friendliness all at once like an atmosphere sustaining
In our culture it is often argued that we require significant people
me, as made the fancied advantages of human neighborhood insignifi-
in our lives to validate our own existence. Anthropologist Yehudi
cant, and I have never thought of them since.1
Cohen asserted that we must have feedback from others:

In spite of such examples, however, the belief that people need

Everyone has the experience of periodically asking in one way or other,
other people continues to be strong in our culture. No doubt this
"You're O.K., how am I?" assuming that the question elicits the re-
belief originates in the experiences of childhood, when we really d<
sponse that one seeks, one experiences a sense of good fellowship and
need the protection of others. Somewhere near the time that the) of being welcome in the world; one feels at home with oneself and
discover their own separateness and self, infants begin to for01 thers. But there are times when the plea for reassurance goes unan-
question in their minds, "If this is my self, then who are all *ne swered. Then there follows a void, a feeling of personal meaningless-
others?" To the child, the others are mother, father, siblings, nes
s, a lack of self-definition, because it drains one of personal identity.
ft
extended family, and selected outsiders. The child experiences results from a lack of feedback.
others in various ways. Others are alternatively hurtful, loving. & Loneliness in this sense connotes longing; we always long for
for me, bad for me, people I am dependent upon, or people I arn tners when the lack of reassuring feedback threatens the integrity of
dependent upon, or people I am superior to or equal to or infer1 "e personal self. This is not the loneliness we experience when we
208 DEVELOPING A PHILOSOPHY OF SOLITUDE AND WHO ARE ALL THESE OTHERS? 2 0 9

long for a particular person who is absent or when we are homesick proceed happily and independently from that point. Many profession-
while on a trip. It is rather the loneliness that signifies a longing f0r als rarely receive feedback from others about their jobs. After their
people in the abstract whose feedback is personally meaningful and trainingafter their validation by teachers and mentorstheir own
who can validate our sense of worth and being.3 knowledge, ability to learn, and subsequent successes are feedback
enough. Indeed, this is why we often associate the word independent
Cohen further stated that no one is able to subsist emotionally with the word professional.
on inner feedback alone. He believes that feedback from other human Also we should realize that the notion of having one's existence
beings is essential for life itself and that external feedback should "validated" is actually vague. We cannot with any intellectual honesty
come from more than one source. People "who have only one self- extrapolate an infant's need for touch into an adult's supposed need
defined place in the scheme of things . . . are among the most fragile for cognitive feedback. If by validation we mean having the Tightness
members of the species."4 People whose identity is tied up in only of one's choices in life confirmed by others, whether emotionally or
one aspect of their livesin their financial achievement; their chil- intellectually, the idea of validation is closely related to the discovery
dren; or their literary, scientific, or artistic creativity aloneare espe- of meaning in life. Discovering meaning is largely a personal issue.
cially vulnerable to emotional loss. For the mature individual, the discovery of one's meaning is far more
To what extent are Cohen's views valid in the context of positive important than is the discovery of the meanings held by others. In
solitude? It is true that people do need social validation at crucial adulthood, continuing to seek validation is a way of copping out on
times in their lives. Social scientists who have studied what is called one's individual responsibility to find meaning.
"the motivation for validation" suggest that whenever objective crite- But the hypothetical need for personal validation is only one
ria about an important issue are not available to them, people will argument that is made for the necessity of togetherness. A second
actively seek information from others. By obtaining confirmation argument, which achieved special prominence in the sixties, focuses
from other people, the individual's feelings of ambiguity in such a on the supposed need for deep emotional experience with others.
situation are reduced. The need for validation occurs especially when
a person is trying to find his or her place in society, as in adolescence. Authenticity in Relationships
Validation is much less important to the fully formed adult. In fact,
there is little evidence that validation is a necessity, though it may be Clark Moustakas was a popular voice among the many advocates
a preference, in adult life. Clearly, there are some single-minded of the human need for what was termed the "encounter" experience.
individuals, such as some inventors and intellectuals, who care not a Moustakas believed that people need a significant amount of togeth-
whit for what others say. The self-actualized among us have made erness in their lives. He taught that a full human experience requires
their peace both with their solitude and with their place in society. the fulfillment of three desiresthe desire for solitude, the desire to
Even if some self-validating feedback was a necessity for adults, be with others, and the desire to be a part of groups. By his reasoning,
the question must be asked, "How much is necessary?" And the both solitude and togetherness are necessary because each "serves
answer isprobably not very much. For some of us, only one or a different human capacities and enables different human meanings to
few significant validations may be needed during our entire lifespan- be actualized."5 Moustakas thought that the group contributes to
s
The validating words of a parent, a special teacher, a respected elf-fulfillment in a particular way, by providing a type of encounter
tn
person in our line of work, or a valued friend may sustain us over at cannot be achieved by the person alone or by the person in
many years. We learn that we really are good at math or that we really ne-to-one meetings. His extensive experience with encounter
can become a good manager. Once reassured and directed, we can "oups led him to believe that the concrete encounter with others is
210 DEVELOPING A PHILOSOPHY OF SOLITUDE AND WHO ARE ALL THESE OTHERS? 2 1 1

basic to actualizing one's potential as an individual and as a member us a new dimension of individual identity and a feeling of communal
of a community: Group encounter provides "an incomparable experi- richness.7
ence of human meaning."6
We cannot fully evaluate Moustakas's point of view without Certainly, this sort of sharing is beautiful. It is unique because of its
understanding authentic group encounter as he saw it. Fortunately, human context, its pursuit of honesty, and its love. But, we may
in his extensive writings, Moustakas has provided us with an exam- reasonably ask, what is it that a person takes away from such an
ple. During a conference of human-relations professionals who experience? What is the "new dimension of individual identity and
worked together in the same institution, an encounter group was communal richness" of which Moustakas speaks? Even if this encoun-
formed and initially was congenial, but not "real": No open, intimate ter is lovely and memorable, its existence does not argue convincingly
that it is a new and unique experience that is necessary for a happy
encounter occurred. As a member of the group, Moustakas fought
life. Nor is it convincing evidence that encounter is a unique experi-
continually for a day and a half to encourage the group to attain
ence emotionally. Any of the many beautiful solitude experiences that
intimacy. Eventually, one group member agreed with him, saying,
I have noted in this book may have similar effects. Sometimes for the
"The only time I feel accepted is when I discuss safe, academic topics.
person who is alone the community experienced is the community of
None of you really know of the way I live or what I want in life but
nature or the community, in the abstract, of humankind. But the
I guess none of you care. After weeks of futile effort, I decided to put
feelings experienced by the person in solitude are arguably analo-
on my professional mask and keep it there."
gous, and possibly identical, to those experienced in encounter: feel-
Pat, a prominent professor and supervisor of the group spoke ings of contentment and peace, the sense of being together with
in a choked voice, struggling with his feelings. He had not uttered one something beyond oneself, and the contentedness of knowing conti-
word until this moment: nuity.
Yet though we may conclude that the encounter experience is
Right now I'm just so mad at all of you and so hurt I don't know where not a necessary part of a good life, it may nevertheless be something
to begin I want to shake you up, and ... it... Oh God ... it hurts.
that we desire. Is it something that every self-actualized individual
. . . (Pat began weeping and covered his face momentarily; then he
will eventually seek? Togetherness has dominated our thinking so
looked straight at Jim with tears streaming down his face.) It's so
much that at this point we cannot answer this question definitively.
painful to want to reach you . . . I really want to reach you . . . and it's
so hard . . . because . . . because, Jim, / love you. We simply do not yet know enough about the potential for positive
solitude in our modern society. Certainly, there have been people
who have happily eschewed others' company, but certainly, too, there
As this revelation of people's feelings continued, Moustakas felt
have been many more who sought to understand "man with man,"
that: what philosopher Martin Buber averred is "the fundamental fact of
human existence."8 I agree with Buber that this relationship with
We all shared in this moment of human encounter, in this dialogue of
others is what makes humankind unique. But I am not yet ready to
love, and we were no longer strangers. With each new struggle and a
confrontation, with each sharing, a new level of community developed- 8ree that it is what makes us happy.
Though we were separate, we were one, and we kept this rich human For difficult as solitude is, togetherness may be even more so.
r
meaning alive and moving until the final moment came, when none o he moment of authenticity between two people that Moustakas
us wanted to leave what we had created together. But we also knew Ascribed is but thata moment, a unique event in human encoun-
ter
that it had to end, so we let go, each in his own way, and we took wi* s. It is a rare event, and it is an event that obviously has to be
 AND WHO ARE ALL THESE OTHERS? 213
212 DEVELOPING A PHILOSOPHY OF SOLITUDE
What, then, is love? Why does it seem so powerful? One inter-
nurtured, even demanded. For the self-aware individual, moments of pretation of the psychologists' inability to "find" symptoms of love
authenticity with the self must be more frequent than most moments is the possibility that love is a composite of several emotional states
of authenticity with others if for no other reason than that one spends that, at times, cancel each other out. For example, happiness is often
more time with oneself. Who can judge the intensity of these mo- associated with relaxation, yet love reactions often produce arousal
ments or their importance to the human experience? Who is to say and excitement. Perhaps in situations described as "love," the relaxa-
that connection with others is more important than, or as important tion that one usually gets from having one's needs satisfied is bal-
as, connection with the self? anced and neutralized by such tension-producing emotions as sexual
I believe that, at the least, the assertion of the impossibility of arousal, fear, and anger. The relationship of sexual arousal to love is
individuality needs to be balanced with the assertion of the impossibil- obvious. But why are fear and anger related to love? The person who
ity of togetherness. The assertion of the impossibility of individuality is loved becomes the actual or potential gratifier of more and more
originates in the belief system that is most common in our culture, needs, and the lover may come to fear the loss of this gratifier. When
while the assertion of the impossibility of togetherness follows from fear exists, anger is seldom far behind. Lovers sometimes resent the
the newer philosophy of solitude. power their loved ones have over them.
One definition of love that has emerged from this line of research
Understanding Love is that "love is the fear of losing an important source of need gratifi-
cation. . . . The fear increases as a function of the importance and the
Much of what is positive in our relationships with others-
number of needs that are involved in the relationship."11 This practi-
friends, lovers, children, parentsfalls into the category "love." Phil- cal line of reasoning is different from a more conventional definition
osophical, psychological, and even physiological arguments have been of love as a state in which you are not happy if the other person is
made about the human need for love. Let us try to see this "need" not happy. But the conventional definition tells only part of the story.
in light of the two poles of togetherness and solitudethe impossibil- Why, precisely, is the other person's happiness essential to yours?
ity of individuality and the impossibility of togetherness. It may be essential because when the other person is unhappy, he or
In the early 1970s a number of noted psychologists and psychia- she is more likely to leave you.
trists, spurred by an article entitled "This Thing Called Love Is Although this modern definition of love lacks the touch of the
Pathological" in Psychology Today, organized a conference, the Sym- Poet (perhaps the touch of the poet is our cultural masque on this
posium on Love, to discuss what is actually known about love. They harsher reality), it is especially useful for people who are developing
observed that in the twenty-three annual volumes in the indexes of a
philosophy of positive solitude. In our words, when one is in love,
the prestigious Annual Review of Psychology, love was not mentioned the loved one is seen as essential to filling the feedback gap.
once.9 They also pointed out that although many emotions are charac- In more recent scientific research, the dark side of love is widely
terized by specific and separate biochemical reactions in the human discussed. One study noted five major components of love. Four of
body and can be activated by operations performed on fairly circum- the components are positive: communicative intimacy, physical
scribed portions of the anatomy (for example, anger derives from ar
ousal, respect, and romantic capability.12 But one is romantic depen-
adrenal and other secretions and is controlled by the hypothalamus). dence. In a similar study, three major components were identified:
no such discrete physiological indexes have been discovered ir lus
t, affection, and longing.13 For the person in love, loneliness occurs
love.10 Much as the research on loneliness has discounted its validity w
hen the primary source of the gratification of needs is threatened
as a discrete emotion, so such findings have discounted the cornmo r
'st. Such loneliness occurs particularly when only one person has
belief in the emotion of love.
 AND WHO ARE ALL THESE OTHERS? 215
214 DEVELOPING A PHILOSOPHY OF SOLITUDE
tional, narrow sense, is not immediately available, the positive feel-
been meeting most of the individual's needs. Dependence and longing
ings of love can be reexperienced as a vivid memory. These feelings
are the downside of love. In such cases, the romantic idea, "I can't can also be experienced as a current love of life, or self, or nature,
live without you," expresses a paralyzing fear of facing an unusually or humankind. They can be felt as a closeness with an admired
large feedback gap. The feared loss of the loved one can even become stranger. People in positive solitude may not be in love in the tradi-
equated with the feared loss of self. tional sense, but if they so choose, they can live with love.
If one can fill the feedback gap by oneself, one eliminates the fear Of course, not all relationship-free people are able to experience
of the loss of others. It follows that the choice of being alone may be loving feelings when they are alone. Sometimes we are angry or
essentially, profoundly, rational. It is also rational to avoid investing frightened or withdrawn. Achieving a psychologically comfortable
one outside person with all or even most of one's sources of gratifica- maturity while conforming to societal beliefs and expectations about
tiongiven the tenuous nature of relationships in life overall, espe- togetherness is difficult enough. Achieving maturity through a non-
cially in busy, transient America. conforming positive solitude creates an additional challenge.
Americans are beginning to get this message. While our modern Living alone without feeling insecure, without conforming to
day-care system has been criticized for breaking down the emotional social pressures, and without needing romantic love is difficult. The
bonds between parent and child, a more positive view is possible: process of changing your beliefs requires an investment of time and
Modern day care may be helping children to feel loved not only by energy in your self that is difficult to make for the many reasons I
the members of their nuclear family, but by caring adults in the larger have already talked about. Yet today, this challenge is becoming more
society. We may actually be teaching our children the emotional skills possible to meet. As more people understand positive solitude, unat-
they need to survive the weakening of the nuclear family. The in- tached adults will not feel incomplete. Instead, they will love them-
creased strength of peer groups for adolescents and the rise of many selves. Each will be, as psychologist Lawrence Casler said, "a person
kinds of social groups for adults are our response to the weakness who does not find his own company boringa person whose inner
of significant others in filling the feedback gap. resources are such that other people, while providing pleasure and
Is lovehaving a loving relationshipnecessary? Many people stimulation, cease to be absolutely necessary."15 We have often been
believe that it is not, that it is quite possible to be a healthy, love-free told to love others as we love ourselves. But sometimes we seek love
adult. A major conclusion from the Symposium on Love is that "there relationships with others when we do not love ourselves enough.
is no evidence that love is either necessary or sufficient for psycho- Therapists Mildred Newman and Bernard Berkowitz, in their
logical maturity. Indeed, to the extent that love fosters dependency, best-selling book How to Be Your Own Best Friend, take a practical
it may well be a deterrent to maturity."14 A love-free and contented approach to being alone. When one of their clients laments that "I
person, a person without a current intimate relationship, lives in wouldn't want a life without love in it," they answer: "Who would?
positive solitude. For such a person, a loving relationship may be a Everything you do is richer and fuller when love is there. But love
ls
pleasure, but it is not a necessity. For her or him, intimate love is a not always there, and how you feel about yourself the times there
1Sn
set of feelings to remember with fondness and a fine experience ti t someone around to receive and return your love has a lot to do
Wl
th how rewarding the experience of love is when you have it."16
anticipate. lo
the extent that positive solitude encourages self-love and indepen-
en
ce, rather than love, neediness, and dependence, it helps a person
Loving Alone 0
be more effective. Wise words on this subject come from a surpris-
A person who is alone can experience the positive side of 1
es corner: Ralph Nader says of his Nader's Raiders, a premier citizen
at any time. For one thing, even though a love object, in the tr
216 DEVELOPING A PHILOSOPHY OF SOLITUDE AND WHO ARE ALL THESE OTHERS? 2 1 7

activist group of our time, that many fail because they want to be Choices: Being Alone/Being Together
loved. They develop personal relationships with the agencies they are
The issues around solitude and togetherness are complicated
monitoring and then find that they cannot criticize them. As Nader
puts it, "It is better to love, than to need to be loved. If you need to and extensive. One way of gaining a clear perspective on them is to
be loved, you can't do this kind of work."17 This is a truly mature study the lives of people who have made obvious choices, people like
perspective on love. Henry David Thoreau and Ralph Waldo Emerson. Both Thoreau and
Unfortunately, in spite of all these arguments, most Americans Emerson made deliberate philosophical choices about their lives.
still believe that for human beings love is a necessity. It is certainly Each developed and lived by a personal philosophy that carefully
true that we Americans are raised to want love. In particular, we want considered the tension between self and other. The results, as seen
the love of a significant other. The first significant other is our during the full course of their lives, were distinct.
mother, followed later by our father and then by our romantic lovers. It is especially interesting to compare these two men because
In those societies that are built around extended families, children their different philosophies were lived out in the same town, during
grow up with many love objects and learn much earlier that when one the same era (the mid-nineteenth century), among the same people.
love object fails or disappoints, another can fill their need. In a society Thoreau and Emerson were friends who spent most of their adult
that is built around the nuclear family, the child experiences primarily years in and around Concord, Massachusetts. Today their respective
two sources of attentionthe father and the mother. Thus, the child family homesteads, and Thoreau's cabin site at Walden Pond, can still
learns that love is relatively scarce. These primary relationships be seen there. Their philosophies have also endured.
assume monumental importance, and logically and naturally, the child First consider Thoreau. Thoreau's view on solitude as ex-
is afraid of losing them.
pressed in Walden was, "Why should I feel lonely? is not our planet
In our society, too, children have relatively few outlets for ex-
in the Milky Way?. . . What do we want most to dwell near to? Not
pressing their own caring. They learn little about how to manage their
to many men surely . . . but to the perennial source of our life."19
love for othersto understand their love, to set limits on it, to give
Thoreau believed that the source of life is most certainly the self. At
it appropriately.
the same time, he recognized the power of togetherness. He wrote:
While it may be true that the need for love in adulthood is not
"I think that I love society as much as most, and am ready enough
innate, we Americans do "need" others in this sense. We have been
raised, both at home and in school, to feel dependent on others and to fasten myself like a bloodsucker for the time to any full-blooded
insecure in ourselves. We believe, especially, that we "need" to find man that comes in my way."20 Thoreau fervently believed, however,
that one special person. Sadly, we raise our children to feel the same that our interest in others should be controlled:
way. As adults they will continue their desperate searching.
Is love necessary? Are we to think of it primarily as a drug that Society is commonly too cheap. We meet at very short intervals, not
prevents suffering? Drug addicts who are deprived of drugs also having had time to acquire any new value for each other. We meet at
suffer, yet we do not say that drugs are a necessity in their lives. The meals three times a day, and give each other a new taste of that old
existence of withdrawal symptoms does not prove that love is a musty cheese that we are. We have had to agree on a certain set of
need.18 rules, called etiquette and politeness, to make this frequent meeting
tolerable and that we need not come to open war. We meet at the
post-office, and at the sociable, and about the fireside every night; we
live thick and are in each other's way, and stumble over one another,
 AND WHO ARE ALL THESE OTHERS? 2 1 9
218 DEVELOPING A PHILOSOPHY OF SOLITUDE
"shared existence was only the unfortunately necessary precondition
and 1 think that we thus lose some respect for one another. Certainly
of his selfhood."25 If he erred, it was in the direction of positive
less frequency would suffice for all important and hearty communica- solitude, rather than in the direction of togetherness.
tions.21 While he lived at Walden Pond, Thoreau created and wrote his
plan for himselfhis life myth. Later, while living within society,
Living in the woods, Thoreau appreciated that fewer people came his
experiencing his cherished plan became more difficult. Though he
way on trivial business. "My company was winnowed by my mere
often remembered, and sometimes experienced, the kinds of sensual
distance from town. I had withdrawn so far within the great ocean of
pleasures and spiritual peace that he had found during his two years
solitude, into which the rivers of society empty, that for the most part,
at Walden, within society Thoreau often felt that he was wasting his
so far as my needs were concerned, only the finest sediment was
time. He believed that he was in danger of sacrificing his true self to
deposited around me."22 the petty demands of everyday society. Although he cared for his
As a corollary of his belief in positive solitude, Thoreau empha- familyhis parents and siblings, nieces and nephewssoon after
sized living in the present through the full experience of one's senses. leaving Walden, he found living with his family to be confining. That
He advocated the pursuit of purely individual meaning by concentra- winter he wrote in his diary:
ting on this experience:
My attic chamber has compelled me to sit below with the family at
I wish so to live ever as to derive my satisfactions and inspirations from evening for a month. I feel the necessity of deepening the stream of
the commonest events, every-day phenomena, so that what my senses my life; I must cultivate privacy. It is very dissipating to be with people
hourly perceive, my daily walk, the conversation of my neighbors, may too much.... I cannot spare my moonlight and my mountains for the
inspire me, and 1 may dream of no heaven but that which lies about best of man I am likely to get in exchange.26
me.23
Thoreau had chosen to cultivate solitude and to focus on his senses.
Being with others diluted this experience for Thoreau, and so it For him, failure meant being drawn away from his positive solitude.
diluted the essential spirituality of his life, which he valued above all Thoreau's neighbor and friend Ralph Waldo Emerson lived at the
else: opposite end of the solitude-togetherness spectrum. His philosophy
and life provide a revealing counterpoint. A well-to-do writer, lec-
Let nothing come between you and the light. Respect men as brothers turer, and minister, Emerson led an active parish in the Unitarian
only. When you travel to the celestial city, carry no letters of introduc- Church in Concord and became famous in his lifetime as a writer. It
tion. When you knock ask to see Godnone of the servants. In what 's not surprising that this family man, preacher, and solid citizen
concerns you much do not think that you have companionsknow that believed that affiliation is central to life. While Thoreau praised soli-
you are alone in the world.24 tude, Emerson wrote in his journal, "Do you not see that a man is
a
bundle of relations, that his entire strength consists not in his
Thoreau believed that his own mode of living could ultimately in1" Properties, but in his innumerable relations?" And in later years he
prove civilization and thus that he was a good citizen, a participant m w
rote, "It is only as our existence is shared, not as it is selfhood, that
the life of the community. But, as has been pointed out by his biogta'
'* is divine."27
pher Joel Porte, a thoughtful analyst of Thoreau's work and life, ^
his lifetime Thoreau never drew a close philosophical connection Emerson suggested that we must accept a certain tension be-
between himself and his society. Porte concluded that, for Thoreau, tween solitude and society:
220 DEVELOPING A PHILOSOPHY OF SOLITUDE
AND WHO ARE ALL THESE OTHERS? 221

Solitude is impracticable, and society is fatal. We must keep our head out of the experience of reality, rather than in the direct sensual
in the one and our hands in the other. The conditions are met if we keep experience of reality.
our independence, yet do not lose our sympathy.28 We can draw many contrasts between Thoreau and Emerson.
Thoreau believed in solitude, with togetherness as a sometimes
Still, on balance, he favored finding meaning in life through con- pleasant, sometimes disturbing, adjunct. Emerson preached together-
tact with others. Although he praised solitude, in his writings he ness, the virtue and necessity of living within and for a community;
constantly returned to asserting the value of a life lived in service to he sought a connection with life through society.
others. Certain extreme individualists, he complained, withdraw Thoreau experienced life concretely and sensually, especially
"from the labors of the world; they are not good citizens. . . . What through his love of nature, while Emerson preached Transcendental-
right . . . has the man of genius to retreat from work, and indulge ism, the search for meaning in eternal laws that transcend the con-
himself?... Genius is the power to labor better and more availably."29 crete world.
Emerson believed that even those who advocate solitude as a "di- Thoreau was troubled when threatened with the loss of the
vine" condition (and here he was most probably talking of his friend solitude that allowed him to experience life fully and sensually; soli-
Thoreau) actually value others and merely wish to communicate with tude, which was his personal style of self-actualization, was his central
exceptional rather than mundane parts of humanity. Of these indepen- life myth. Emerson was troubled by sensuality; he found his spiritual-
dents he believed, "If they tell you their whole thought, they will own ity, his life myth, in abstractions, rather than in sensuality.
that love seems to them the last and highest gift of nature; that there It is interesting to contemplate the effect that their different life
are persons whom in their hearts they daily thank for existing, myths had upon these two men. Porte draws a fascinating comparison
persons whose faces are perhaps unknown to them, but whose fame of Thoreau and Emerson when they were in their forties.32 By that
and spirit have penetrated their solitude,and for whose sake they time, the two men's lifestyles had resulted in different attitudes. At
wish to exist."30 forty, Emerson was a disillusioned spirit, a spectator but not a par-
In his essay "Solitude and Society," Emerson asserted his belief ticipator in life. Even five years later, he still felt depressed. He had
that most, though not all, people need others: found some eternal laws in the universe, but he had also found more
dross than he preferred. Thoreau in his forties was still in love with
A man must be clothed with society, or we shall feel a certain bareness his life. He loved his New England earth, and he believed that heaven,
and poverty, as of a displaced and unfurnished member. He is to be if anywhere, is here in this life. The follower of positive solitude was
dressed in arts and institutions, as well as in his body garments. Now ultimately more content than was the advocate of society.
and then a man exquisitely made can live alone, and must; but coop up Of course, it would be an oversimplification to draw the conclu-
most men and you undo them.31 sion that as a life plan, solitude is totally preferable. For one thing,
it is not fair to suggest that Thoreau's solitude was pure. He had, for
As solitary Thoreau was a sensualist, so Emerson the commu- example, an emotionally supportive family who lived nearby. Also,
nity man was a model Transcendentalist. Emerson believed that indi- although his family was not wealthy, he was not dependent totally on
vidual reality should be understood through the processes of thought himself for support were he to face times of trouble. Indeed, through
and spiritual intuition. Much of the emphasis in his thinking was on his illness until his early death of tuberculosis, his family cared for him
abstractions, rather than on concrete realities. Emerson believed that lovingly. Thoreau was also connected with society through his work.
the highest good was to be experienced in the abstractions developed Although his writing was not well recognized in his own day, he was
222 DEVELOPING A PHILOSOPHY OF SOLITUDE AND WHO ARE ALL THESE OTHERS? 2 2 3

deeply concerned that its influence be felt; for him, it was a major society that is crowded and anxious, we naturally cry "enough," and
expression of love. In his later years, Thoreau found some consola- if we are not eager to live fully alone, we at least recognize the
tion when friends reassured him that his ideas would live beyond him. potential of solitude. In this land of frequent mobility, society that is
Practically speaking, it is important to understand that although positive and supportive is probably more difficult to discover than it
Thoreau could have returned to Walden Pond after he left it, he did was for the latter-century residents of Concord. Perhaps, too, it is
not. Even this man, the writer who in all of American literature most less needed. The physical care Thoreau received from his family we
perfectly advocated solitude, was connected in significant ways with can purchase through health insurance. The financial independence
others. If Thoreau was more content than was Emerson, we cannot Thoreau achieved by living simply and off the land we achieve
conclude that his contentment was only because of his solitude. It through our greater prosperity. As a result, today when we are alone,
would be more accurate to conclude that he was content because he we can choose many different lifestyles.
found a substantial amount of solitude and because he developed a Our lives are full of tensions that pull us in opposite directions.
meaningful solitude in the context of a life lived also with, and in some Among them, the tension between self and other is paramount. The
ways for, others. inner tension between self and other that is embodied in the differ-
Neither was Emerson's life entirely social. He had definite incli- ences between the two friends Thoreau and Emerson is found
nations toward valuing solitude: "The necessity of solitude is deeper throughout our literature, as this sampling of quotations reveals:
than we have said, and is organic. I have seen many a philosopher
whose world is large enough for only one person."33 And, like Tho- Thrice blessed are our friends: they come, they stay,
reau, Emerson was not uncritical of society: And presently they go away.35

The people are to be taken in very small doses. If solitude is proud, Only solitary men know the full joys of friendship.36
so is society vulgar. . . . Society we must have; but let it be society,
and not exchanging news or eating from the same dish. Is it society How sweet, how passing sweet, is solitude.
to sit in one of your chairs? I cannot go to the houses of my nearest But grant me still a friend in my retreat
relatives, because I do not wish to be alone. Society exists by chemical Whom I may whisper, Solitude is sweet.37
affinity, and not otherwise.34
The Trend to Solitude
Contrasting Thoreau and Emerson enriches our sense of the tension
in our lives between solitude and society, but it does not resolve the We live in a society that believes in togetherness but that lives
dilemma of choosing. increasingly alone. We will practice more solitude. Throughout recent
No human life can be a pure example of either solitude or affilia- history the stronger social pressure toward resolving the self-other
tion. And while the evidence seems to indicate that Thoreau's life was tension has been in the direction of togetherness; it has been the
happier than was Emerson's, who is to say whether it was more Emersons, not the Thoreaus, that society has rewarded. But today,
successful? Emerson led a spiritual community; raised his family; a different attitude may be emerging. In a society that understands
touched the lives of thousands through his writings; and, all in all, Positive solitude, the resolution of the tension will be more in the
lived a generous life filled with responsibility to others. tradition of Thoreau. It is interesting to note that in Japan, one of the
Yet, it should be said that many of us today would lean more nost crowded societies in the world, the figure of the hero is a
toward Thoreau's choice if we could realistically make it. Living in a Solitary, independent man. In that crowded country, mastering,
224 DEVELOPING A PHILOSOPHY OF SOLITUDE AND WHO ARE ALL THESE OTHERS? 225

though not banishing, the need for companionship and other human 16. Mildred Newman and Bernard Berkowitz, How to Be Your Own Best
solace is considered to be an important part of character develop- friend (New York: Random House, 1971), 43.
17. Quoted in Robert F. Buckhorn, Nader: The People's Lawyer (Englewood
ment.38 As the level of social interactions intensifies in our own
Cliffs, NJ.: Prentice-Hall, 1972), 88.
society, we may predict that such an increased yearning for and 18. Casler, "Toward a Re-evaluation of Love," 24.
valuing of solitude will result. 19. Thoreau, Walden, 92.
It is safe to say that we probably need others a lot less than we 20. Ibid., 96.
think we do. If we do need others, the need is intermittent. About this 21. Ibid., 94.
point there is no argument. The questions that we must ask are, then, 22. Ibid., 99.
If we are to be with others, when? How? Why? These are legitimate 23. Ibid., 204.
24. Henry David Thoreau, "Letter to Harrison G. 0. Blake," in August
questions that must continue to be uppermost in the minds of free-
Derleth, Concord Rebel, A Life of Henry David Thoreau (Philadelphia: Chilton
spirited individuals. Co., 1962), 81.
25. Joel Porte, Emerson and Thoreau: Transcendentalists in Conflict (Mid-
dletown, Conn.: Wesleyan University Press, 1965), 149.
Notes
26. Quoted in Derleth, Concord Rebel, A Life of Henry David Thoreau, 124.
1. Henry David Thoreau, Walden (Boston: Houghton Mifflin Co., 1957), 27. Ralpho Waldo Emerson, "Journals" in Porte, Emerson and Thoreau,
91. 149.
2. Clark Moustakas, Individuality and Encounter (Cambridge, Mass.: 28. Ibid., 394.
Howard A. Doyle Publishing Co., 1968), 11. 29. Ralph Waldo Emerson, "The Transcendentalist," in Carl Bode, ed., The
3. Yehudi A. Cohen, "You're O.K., How Am I?" in Joseph Hartog, J. Ralph Portable Emerson (New York: Viking Penguin, 1981), 103.
Audy, and Yehudi Cohen, eds., The Anatomy of Loneliness (New York: Interna- 30. Ibid., 100.
tional Universities Press, 1980), 457-58. 31. Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Society and Solitude," in Bode, ed., The Porta-
4. Ibid., 460. ble Emerson, 391.
5. Moustakas, Individuality and Encounter 41-42. 32. Porte, Emerson and Thoreau, 130-34.
6. Ibid., 60. 33. Emerson, "Society and Solitude," 391.
7. Ibid., 61-63. 34. Ibid., 393.
8. Martin Buber, "Prospect: What Is Man?" in Hartog, Audy, and Cohen, 35. Richard R. Kirk, quoted in Bartlett's Familiar Quotations (New York:
eds., The Anatomy of Loneliness, 557. Pocket Books, 1963), 207.
9. Mary Ellen Curtin, ed., Symposium on Love (New York: Behavioral 36. Willa Cather, Shadows on the Rock, Book III, Part V, quoted in Bartlett's
Publications, 1973), ix. Pamiliar Quotations, 66.
10. Lawrence Casler, "Toward a Re-evaluation of Love," in ibid., 8-9. 37. William Cowper, "Conversation," line 740, quoted in Bartlett's Familiar
11. Ibid., 10. Quotations, 88.
12. Joseph W. Critelli, Emilie J. Myers, and Victor E. Loos, "The Compo- 38. Christie W. Kiefer, Loneliness and the Japanese. In Hartog, Audy, and
nents of Love: Romantic Attraction and Sex Role Orientation," Journal of PV' Cohen, eds., The Anatomy of Loneliness, 434.
sonality 54, (June 1986): 354-70.
13. Phillip Shaver et al., "Emotional Knowledge: Further Exploration of a
Prototype Approach," Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 52, (1987)-
1061-86.
14. Casler, "Toward a Re-evaluation of Love," 18.
15. Ibid., 20.
 15
Solitude and
Self-Actualization
The nurse of full-grown souls is solitude.
JAMES RUSSELL LOWELL, Columbus

While positive solitude is the focused process that dwells on

recognizing and transcending the problems of being alone, self-actual-
ization is the wider, more complex process of creating and deepening
personal life experiences in all spheres. Positive solitude contributes
to self-actualization by helping you to face the vicissitudes of life from
a self that is centered but realizing that at the same time your self is
always changing. When you enter the exploration stage of positive
solitude, you begin a lifetime of working and playing toward self-
actualization.

SolitudeEssential to Self-Actualization
Popularized in the sixties by humanist psychologist and philos-
opher Abraham Maslow, today the term self-actualization is often
used but seldom really understood. I first studied and appreciated
228 DEVELOPING A PHILOSOPHY OF SOLITUDE SOLITUDE AND SELF-ACTUALIZATION 229

Maslow as a graduate student in the seventies. Fifteen years later, processes are an integral part of listening to yourself. People who
while doing research for this book I reviewed the characteristics of overintellectualize as a way of ignoring their emotions or who oc-
the self-actualized person as Maslow had conceived them and real- cupy themselves to avoid listening to themselves must recognize
ized that nearly every one of them depends on some measure of these tendencies. Of course, an important way to do so is through
solitude.1 solo introspection.
Though solitude is not sufficient for achieving self-actualization, Self-actualizers are honest with themselves; they avoid playing
it is a necessary precursor to it. Maslow says that self-actualizers games and posing. Maslow points out that this statement suggests
experience "fully, vividly, selflessly, with full concentration and total taking responsibility for yourself. Responsibility has been studied
absorption."2 They are totally aware of the moment and of their very little by social science, but it is a crucial human capacity that is
surroundings. Their experience is the opposite of self-consciousness, closely related to the process of finding meaning. Taking the respon-
that intense adolescent desire to please and to fit in. Instead, self- sibility for finding the meanings in your life is a skill that not all of us
actualizers are grounded in self-confidence and self-knowledge. Obvi- possess, yet it is one that most of us can gain.
ously, this characteristic of self-actualization is easier to experience Self-actualizers choose lives that are appropriate to their natures.
in solitude than in company: In solitude your concentration is not This choice is based upon their ability to listen to themselves and to
disturbed by other people or their expectations. With practice, this form their own judgments about themselves, the world, and their
focus gained in solitude translates into an ability to stay centered in place in the world. Self-actualizers will know what amount of solitude
the self and self-aware in the presence of others. suits them because they will have taken the time to experience their
Maslow also tells us that the self-actualizer is courageous. In a own taste in the matter. They will choose vocations, avocations, and
life that consists largely of a process of choices, such a person chooses family and friendship patterns that are based on their knowledge of
growth over fear many times a day. When you experience a serious themselves, rather than on the shallow fashions of the time. They use
loss in your life, you can darken your windows and give up, or you their intelligence to become as effective as possible in seeking their
can go out into the world and break new groundtake a job, meet goals. Often they work hard for their achievements. "Self-actualiza-
new people, learn to nurture yourself alone for perhaps the first time. tion does not mean doing some far-out thing necessarily, but it may
There is fear in either alternative, but only the latter alternative leads mean going through an arduous and demanding period of preparation
to growth. Ultimately, what you will do is your choice alone, but you to realize one's possibilities. Self-actualization can consist of finger
should know that the courage to make such decisions is nurtured in exercises at a piano keyboard. Self-actualization means working to do
your ability to experience positive solitude. Only by building the well the thing that one wants to do."3
secure emotional foundation that comes with knowing how to be Self-actualizers have peak experiences"transient moments of
alone can you find the courage to take risks. self-actualization . . . moments of ecstasy which cannot be bought,
Self-actualizers listen to their self; they let their self emerge. The cannot be guaranteed, cannot even be sought. "4 While most people
self seldom emerges when you are occupied fully with work and have peak experiences, Maslow suggests that many do not recognize
other activities. It is usually through your times alone that you ex- them. Whether people are alone or in the company of others, the peak
perience your true and subtle emotions, test your instincts, and ana- experience transcends most other moments of thought or perception.
lyie your thoughts. Among other things, self-actualizers work to It is a moment of joy that is perfectly felt, and it is experienced alone.
expose their own psychopathologies. They identify their own psy- It is most likely to occur when you are, if not physically alone, then
chological defenses and find the courage to give them up. All these at least fully centered in yourself.
2 3 0 DEVELOPING A PHILOSOPHY OF SOLITUDE SOLITUDE AND SELF-ACTUALIZATION 231

Clearly, self-actualization requires a significant measure of posi- lost in the present seems to be a sine qua non for creativeness of
tive solitude. You must have time and aloneness to be able to focus any kind."8 When you are alone, you drop your mask, your efforts to
on yourselfon your ideas, sensations, emotions, dreams, choices, please or to flatter or to impress others. Without an audience, you
and defenses. As Maslow describes the process of self-actualization: stop being an actor and can be yourself, with your unique visions.
Anthony Storr's fine book Solitude is a thorough investigation of
Self-actualized people . . . go about it in these little ways: They listen solitude and the creative process.
to their own voices; they take responsibility; they are honest; and they Social interactions distract us from this solitude. We are for-
work hard. They find out who they are and what they are, not only in ever enticed by the immediate gratifications to be found in our so-
terms of their mission in life, but also in terms of the way their feet cial surroundings; we are continually tempted to say and do the
hurt when they wear such and such a pair of shoes and whether they socially desirable thing and even to feel the socially desirable emo-
do or do not like eggplant. . . . All this is what the real self means. tion. Independence is nurtured in solitude. As Ralph Waldo Emer-
[Italics added.]5 son so eloquently put it: "[The] voices which we hear in solitude
. . . grow faint and inaudible as we enter into the world. Society
Although there are many paths to self-actualization, all wend their everywhere is in conspiracy against the manhood of every one of its
way through this discovered self. The journey requires time, intro- members." 9
spection, and concentration. Creativity requires resisting these temptations and preserving a
Clark Moustakas emphasized the contribution solitude makes to strong measure of independence. When we are with others, it is
self-actualization: expedient to conform; when we are with ourselves, it is more natural
to be independent. Of course, the clever among us can do both. "It
In real solitude we are expansive, limitless, free. We do not disguise is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in
our feelings from ourselves, but rather we renew contact with our- solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst
selves and discover who we are. At other times we are pulled into the of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of
collective stream that surrounds us. We experience the collective
solitude."10
sense that we have incorporated in order to achieve recognition, secu-
rity, and comfort. In solitude, one breaks through the dead, static It is not surprising that many artists have chosen to spend
patterns and has an opportunity to see life as it really is and to become extensive periods alone. To defend their solitude and independence,
aware of a desire for new meaning, excitement, and vitality, of a desire some have chosen, for example, not to have families. As was asserted
to be whole and to live more fully and completely.6 centuries ago by Francis Bacon, "he that hath wife and children hath
given hostages to fortune, for they are impediments to great enter-
prises. . . . Certainly the best works, and of greatest merit for the
public, have proceeded from the unmarried or childless men, which
Solitude for Creativity both in affection and means have married and endowed the public."11
Maslow believed that self-actualization and creativity are proba- For many artists being alone may simply be essential to their creative
bly the same process. 7 Although his view has been disputed, it is well process.
known that to be creative, people must have periods of being alone, Vincent Van Gogh certainly believed that his self-isolation was
away from distraction. This time alone allows you to concentrate, to essential: "If at present I am worth something, it is because I am
reflect, to generate ideas. As Maslow noted, "[the] ability to become alone, and I hate fools, the impotent, cynics, idiotic and stupid scof-
 SOLITUDE AND SELF-ACTUALIZATION 233
232 DEVELOPING A PHILOSOPHY OF SOLITUDE

fers." 12 Van Gogh asserted that his shocking appearance, poverty, compelling, chastening, and awe inspiring. But, as here excerpted
and neglect were "a good way to assure the solitude necessary for from Jeremy Seabrook's book Loneliness, it is also wonderfully
concentrating on whatever study preoccupies one." 13 We may sus- alive:
pect that this statement was partly a rationalization. It is difficult for
us at this time to tell which came first for Van Gogh, the solitude or Hideous doubt, despair, and dark confusion of the soul a lonely man
the antisocial behaviors. Yet Van Gogh believed that his art was must know, for he is united to no image save that which he creates
essential to his mental healthit was the only thing that allowed him himself, he is bolstered by no other knowledge save that which he
to work through his periodic deep depressions. And if solitude was can gather for himself with the vision of his own eyes and brain. He
necessary for his art, it was necessary for his life: "I feel inexpressi- is sustained and cheered and aided by no party, he is given comfort
by no creed, he has no faith in him except his own. And often that
bly melancholic without my work to distract me. . . . / must forget
faith deserts him, leaving him shaken and filled with impotence. And
myself in my work, otherwise it will crush me." 14 Van Gogh also
then it seems to him that his life has come to nothing, that he is
appreciated the heightening effects that solitude could have on him:
ruined, lost, and broken past redemption, and that morningbright,
"It is true that there may be moments when one becomes absent-
shining morning, with its promise of new beginningswill never
minded, somewhat visionary; some become too absent-minded, too come upon the earth again as it did once.
visionary. This is perhaps the case with me, but it is my own fault
He knows that dark time is flowing by him like a river. The huge,
. . . but one overcomes this. The dreamer sometimes falls into the
dark wall of loneliness is around him now. It encloses and presses in
well, but is said to get out of it afterward."15
upon him, and he cannot escape. And the cancerous plant of memory
Other artists have had less dramatic, but nevertheless central, is feeding at his entrails, recalling hundreds of forgotten faces and ten
experiences with solitude. Some have learned early in life what most thousand vanished days, until all life seems as strange and insubstantial
of us learn only later: that they are comfortable alone. As a boy as a dream. Time flows by him like a river, and he waits in his little
entering private school, novelist Louis Auchincloss faced a difficult room like a creature held captive by an evil spell. And he will hear, far
period of hazing. This period of suffering taught him to appreciate the off, the murmurous drone of the great earth, and feel that he has been
peace of being alone. In his autobiography, he wrote: "My persecu- forgotten, that his powers are wasting from him while the river flows,
tion ebbed at last, and I experienced the bliss of simple neglect. Even and that all his life has come to nothing. He feels that his strength is
today I find it a bit difficult to comprehend the modern terror of gone, his power withered, while he sits there drugged and fettered in
loneliness." 16 Artist Georgia O'Keeffe also knew the value of solitude the prison of his loneliness.
quite early. As a young woman, O'Keeffe spent a year alone painting. Then suddenly, one day, for no apparent reason, his faith and his
In later years she expressed the opinion that if she were not able to belief in life will come back to him in a tidal flood. It will rise up in him
spend such a period alone doing her own work, "I wouldn't be worth with a jubilant and invincible power, bursting a window in the world's
very much, would I?" 17 great wall and restoring everything to shapes of deathless brightness.
It is important to point out that though it is creative, such Made miraculously whole and secure in himself, he will plunge once
solitude is not necessarily joyful and "happy." Hard work, even if it more into the triumphant labor of creation. All his old strength is his
is self-actualizing work, can be fatiguing. It can be emotionally drain- again; he knows what he knows, he is what he is, he has found what
ing and sometimes tedious. Working through the solitude, sticking he has found. And he will say the truth that is in him, speak it even
with the task, may be one of life's most difficult achievements. Nov- though the whole world deny it, affirm it though a million men cry out
elist Thomas Wolfe's description of the loneliness of creativity is that it is false.18
234 DEVELOPING A PHILOSOPHY OF SOLITUDE SOLITUDE AND SELF-ACTUALIZATION 235

To remove oneself from lifefrom easy laughter and festivity ing other artists, in our modern world. Writing alone, they are com-
and some kinds of loveis for some a true sacrifice. But it is in this pelled to face their loneliness and their selves. More essentially,
time away and alone that a person finds truth and possibly, if he or though, their tool of human self-expression is unique. Language is a
she is blessed, even new truth for humanity. It is also in this time soothing symbolic connection with one's own experience and with
away that the person discovers the conviction to speak the truth. humanity. No other toolnot shapes or forms or mathematicshas
Artists understand this sort of necessary intensity. Nobel prize-win- the human essence that language contains. No doubt, the large
ning novelist Herman Hesse described his own agonies in self-explo- amount of creativity expressed in ordinary lives, especially through
ration: poetry, is linked to our need to discover meaning. For many of us,
our poems represent our life myths, our intellectual and emotional
I have been and still am a seeker, but I have ceased to question stars structuring of experience. Though relatively few Americans publish
and books; I have begun to listen to the teachings my blood whispers poetry, millions write it. In our solitude, we find the words that
to me. My story is not a pleasant one; it is neither sweet nor harmoni- connect us with ourselves and with the contexts of our lives and
ous as invented stories are; it has the taste of nonsense and chaos, of that allow us to find solace and joy in our continual self-actualizing.
madness and dreamslike the lives of all men who stop deceiving Americans particularly need the solace that is found in creativity.
themselves.19 Yehudi A. Cohen, co-editor of an excellent collection of writings on
loneliness that I have often cited here, argues that American society
The experience of we mere ordinary self-actualizers is similar to is a creative society, in part, because of people's freedom to choose
the experience of the fine artists and the literary geniuses, if less solitude. Although we Americans practice a great deal of together-
articulately expressed. The joy and the pain of creativity are valuable ness, togetherness is even more extreme in some other societies,
for us all. We all need to provide for ourselves time away from where people are never alone. Our privilege in being alone, however,
distractions, time away from the influences of others, time to allow also creates the need to make sense of that solitude.
ourselves to escape our impulse to conform. We all need to under- No society has gone as far as our own in breaking down the
stand that this experience will be difficult, though perhaps not as barriers among different ethnic, religious, and other groups.
painful as the creative writers would have us believe, and that it will Whereas this phenomenon is often viewed as negativeas a
be worthwhile. "breakdown" of ties with kin and other groupsit can also be
It is in this way that you can be maximally self-actualizing. In viewed as positive: It is true that we have been enormously cre-
your daily life, pursuing your creativity will help you to recapture the ative as a society. "Relative to the total span of time during which
spirit of your childhoodthe curiosity, wonderment, and playful- ideas have been recorded, the intellectual ferment of American soci-
nessthat through your years of education, work, and adjustment to ety has been staggering."20 Our ideas come not only from scien-
society have been forgotten. Indulging in your own creativity can be tists, but from businesspeople, historians, inventors, lawyers, cler-
an antidote to the alienation that you experience in the institutions in gymen, and dissidents who fit no categories. On the one hand, these
which you work. Creativity is also the key to personal effectiveness 'deas have been possible because of a political climate in which new
in anything that you do: People who are in touch with their own 'deas may be expressed without fear of political reprisals. Just as
creativity become increasingly centered, whole, and purposeful. They ^portant, these ideas have been possible because of "a strong
discover their own meanings; they know what they want; they can Measure of alienation, anomie, a sense of isolation, of loneliness."21
pursue their goals with focus and abandon. ft seems that along with our independence, we have taken on the
re
Poets are often said to be less alienated than are others, includ- sponsibility to develop our own creativity.
236 DEVELOPING A PHILOSOPHY OF SOLITUDE SOLITUDE AND SELF-ACTUALIZATION 237

Out of our independence must also spring the responsibility to America has been described as a consumer, capitalist, and tran-
develop a philosophy of solitude. The belief that tight communal sient society, but it has not achieved a reputation as a self-actualizing
forms, such as kinship, religious, and ethnic ties, are entirely positive society. To the contrary, the pervasive, discomforting effects of our
forces in a society is sentimental. People in such groups tend to watch society affect us every day. These influences are portrayed in the
each other constantly for aberrations; pressure to conform in both concluding scene of the film My Dinner with Andri. In this scene, the
thought and deed are high. Innovators remove themselves and delib- main character, Andre, describes his meeting with an unusual man
erately alienate themselves from such groupthink. They commit who has devoted his life to lobbying for saving trees. This eighty-four
themselves to being alone and to thinking independently. Such a year-old man always travels with a backpack because he never knows
mode of individuality has historically been possible in this country, where he's going to be the next day. When Andr6 tells the man he
beginning with the Puritan dissidents who left their religiously based is from New York City, the following exchange occurs. The old man
communities and continuing into modern times. In the United States, speaks first:
diversity is tolerated as nowhere else in the world. While the cost to
the individual is often an increased sense of social alienation, for many "Ah, New York, yes, that's a very interesting place. Do you know a lot
the trade-off is worthwhile. Self-actualizers balance the ideal of com- of New Yorkers who keep talking about the fact that they want to leave,
munity with their own personhood and creativity. but never do?" And I [Andre] said, "Oh, yes." And he said, "Why do
In giving up our traditional communal structures, we may be you think they don't leave?" And I gave him different banal theories.
opting for anomie. Yet it is also possible that feelings like anomie, And he said, "Oh, I don't think it's that way at all." He said, "I think
despair, and loneliness are not necessary accompaniments to our that New York is the new model for the new concentration camp,
where the camp has been built by the inmates themselves, and the
individual freedom. Though these negative feelings certainly occur
inmates are the guards, and they have this pride in this thing that
during the creative process, they need not be overwhelming or even they've builtthey've built their own prisonand so they exist in a
enormously influential in the life of a self-actualizing person. Through state of schizophrenia where they are both guards and prisoners. And
positive solitude, individuals may be able to create a new social as a result they no longer havehaving been lobotomizedthe capac-
structure, a community of self-actualizing individuals that reduces the ity to leave the prison they've made or even to see it as a prison." And
negatives and instead soothes and connects and satisfies. Perhaps we then he went into his pocket, and he took out a seed for a tree, and
do not require the strictures of communal life and perhaps the loneli- he said, "This is a pine tree." And he put it in my hand. And he said,
ness can also be avoided. Perhaps we can structure the creativity "Escape before it is too late."22
the livingby ourselves. We are a culture searching for meaning, and
we may yet have time to find it. It may be that the real societies in which we livethe real New
Yorks, at any rateconstrain our positive solitude and our self-
actualization. Our society changes quickly. It changes literally incredi-
Solitude, Self-Actualization, and Society bly fast, faster than we can understand, faster than we as individuals
So self-actualization is an individual process, but, importantly, it can analyze and adapt to. And yet, not to analyze our society as it
is one that exists in the context of society. Your own attitude toward changes and not to evaluate it critically as an environment that affects
solitude and your ability to achieve positive solitude are basic to our self-actualization are also impossible. To fail to analyze is to fail
self-actualization. But also basic are the structures and values of the to be free. We need to know where we are going. We do well to heed
society in which we all live. the inimitable vision of David Byrne and the Talking Heads when they
238 DEVELOPING A PHILOSOPHY OF SOLITUDE SOLITUDE AND SELF-ACTUALIZATION 239

warn, "Watch out, you might get what you're after." Our American 20. Yehudi A. Cohen, "You're O.K., How Am I?" in Hartog, Audy, and
society gives us individual freedom of many kinds and it fosters our Cohen, eds., The Anatomy of Loneliness, 455.
creativity, but it is also a large, complicated, and chaotic place in which 21. Ibid.
to exist. In our lifetimes it will become larger, more complicated, and 22. Wallace Shawn and Andre Gregory, My Dinner with Andri (New York-
Grove Press, 1981), 93.
more chaotic. If the society, and ourselves, are to remain viable, we
must find within it the emotional and physical settings for positive
solitude and self-fulfillment.

Notes
1. Abraham H. Maslow, The Farther Reaches of Human Nature (New
York: Penguin Books, 1971), 44-47.
2. Ibid.
3. Ibid., 46.
4. Ibid.
5. Ibid., 49.
6. Clark Moustakas, Individuality and Encounter (Cambridge, Mass.:
Howard A. Doyle Publishing Co., 1968) 20.
7. Maslow, The Farther Reaches of Human Nature, 55.
8. Ibid., 59.
9. Ralph Waldo Emerson. "Self-Reliance," in Carl Bode and Malcolm
Cowley, eds., The Portable Emerson (New York: Viking Press, 1981), 141.
10. Ibid., 143.
11. Francis Bacon, "Of Marriage and Single Life" (1625), in M. H. Abrams,
ed., The Norton Anthology of English Literature. (New York: W. W. Norton &
Co., 1962), vol. 1, p. 1040.
12. Albert J. Lubin, "Loneliness, Creativity and Van Gogh," in Joseph
Hartog.J. Ralph Audy, and Yehudi Cohen, eds., The Anatomy of Loneliness (New
York: International Universities Press, 1980), 506-36.
13. Ibid., 509.
14. Ibid.
15. Ibid., 509-10.
16. Louis Auchincloss, A Writer's Capital (Boston: Houghton Mifflin Co.,
1979), 45-46.
17. Georgia O'Keeffe, quoted on "Lumina: A Video Report on the Arts'
Hartford, Conn., Public Television, 1988.
18. Thomas Wolfe, "The Anatomy of Loneliness," in Jeremy Seabrook,
Loneliness (New York: Universe Books, 1975), 7-8.
19. Hermann Hesse, quoted in Moustakas, Individuality and Encounter-
29.
 16
The Positive
Solitude Persona
There is a mystery of mutual distance, what the poet Rilke called "the
circumspection of human gesture," which is just as humanly important as
the mystery of intimacy.
W. TURNER, The Ritual Process: Structure and Anti-Structure

For most of us, there comes a time when we leave solitude.

Henry David Thoreau left Walden and lived among his family and the
people of Concord. Alice Roller left Nantucket and pursued a career
as a professor of philosophy. You, too, will go into society. At times
you will choose to mix it up, to get involved with humanity, to love
specific people. You will let their lives enter yours, enrich yours,
bedevil yours.
s Even those of us who have been raised in the latter half of the
twentieth century have learned to want each other. We live in a
complex, interdependent society that has strong family values, an
infusion of romantic love, and an ethic of loving one's neighbor. We
are always alone, yet we are never alone. Do we need others? The
question is moot. We have learned to want to belong.
242 DEVELOPING A PHILOSOPHY OF SOLITUDE THE POSITIVE SOLITUDE PERSONA 243

How do you maintain the essence of positive solitude within the ing it with love, and that security is either something you currently
context of a life lived among others? How do you nurture your have or it is something you can get.
beloved self, deepened through solitude, that has been treasured and Once you have developed the persona, you can draw on it to
secreted away from the world? enrich your experience of others. You bring your unique understand-
Your positive solitude persona is much more than a positive ing of your own character, creativity, and personality to relationships.
self-image. It is an experience of a whole being, of a completed Your joy and centeredness will make you a pleasure to be around.
character that you have created. The persona is something that, once Because you have your persona to depend upon, you will be less
gained, you will always have. You may neglect it, you may forget afraid of losing a relationship. You will be less dependent and less
about it for a while, yet it is one of those sets of skills and feelings willing to take part in weak relationships.
that will always be in your repertoire. Also, you can use your own positive solitude as a model for
When it is with you, you will show it in the way you live. If you others, particularly your children. As society becomes more crowded,
are single, you are clearly your own person. You are the one among as people seek but are repelled by community, the need to teach
your friends who has your own sense of style. You radiate joy, or others positive solitude will increase.
concentration, or intensity, or relaxation, or purpose. If you have an When you choose to be in relationships, the persona will help
intimate partner, you still exude confidence and self-love. You are a you to face the challenges you find in themthe crises that you face
partner in one of those couples who admire each other, rather than on the death of cherished friends and family or, for example, the
become each other. Your relationships are built on mutual respect, day-to-day challenges of parenthood.
rather than on dependence. When the world around you is busied by
work and play, relationships, and responsibilities, you still hold dear The Importance of the Positive Solitude Persona:
the positive self gained through solitude. Within your relationships, Two Cases
amid complexity and turbulence and distraction, you nurture this self.
Consider Ann, a woman in her late twenties. Ann has a steady
This positive solitude persona is a wonderful friend. It is a
marriage, two young children, and a reasonably interesting part-time
reservoir of pleasure for those times you spend alone, allowing you
job that occupies a dozen hours a week. Ann doesn't plan to seek a
to return to relationships refreshed. It is a psychological energizer. full-time job any time soon. She can afford to be a homemaker, and
In your time alone, you examine and sort through your life, indeed she wants to stay home while the children are young. To many
making it more worth living. You become more centered, focused, women, her life would seem ideal, yet Ann is dissatisfied. She says
and knowing. she is bored with the routine parts of homemaking and she is worried
The positive solitude persona includes a set of skills that are that her job skills are getting stale. Perhaps, she thinks, she should
useful whether you are alone or in a relationship. It includes the find a new part-time job that is more interesting, maybe in a different
abilities to manage the loneliness crises in your life, to understand the field.
psychological dynamics of decision-making, and to be aware of lone- What is Ann's problem really? Is it homemaking? Is it insecurity?
liness traps in your work. These skills enhance your emotional Perhaps. But a compelling explanation can be found in Ann's past
well-beingyour sensuality, contentedness, and happiness. Having lifea life in which she failed to learn positive solitude.
created a positive solitude persona for yourself, you know from expe- Ann had a great time at college. She studied enough to get a B
rience that love is something you feel and do much more than some- average, but she partied a lot, too. As a freshman and sophomore, she
thing you receive. You know that many people lack security, confus-
244 DEVELOPING A PHILOSOPHY OF SOLITUDE THE POSITIVE SOLITUDE PERSONA 245

lived in the dorms and had many friends, both female and male; she on the other hand, knows herself only in the context of relationships,
was always seen with them. Later she lived with three other girls in and she allows herself to be defined by them. When the relationships
an apartment, but she also became involved with Alan and his frater- are not sufficient to boost her ego or to keep her intellectually stimu-
nity life. Of course, Ann's parents were delighted with their popular latedas in her relationship with her young childrenAnn feels
daughter. powerless.
During the summers Ann worked a variety of jobs to help with Charlotte, too, has a relationship with her young children and her
college expenses. A history major, after graduation she worked three husband, but she also has one with herself: She creates time during
years in retail while seeing Alan steadily. When Alan was asked by the day to do things she wants to do alone, and she finds part-time
his company to transfer to another city, they decided to get married. work that fulfills long-term goals for her. On a daily basis she lives
In the new city, she took a job in a real estate office, and after little with a confidence that eludes Ann. Sensing that all relationships are
more than a year she became pregnant and quit. A few years later she temporary, Charlotte values themindeed revels in themfor what
would find herself with all the trappings of contentedness, but deeply they are right now, while knowing that she values her time with
dissatisfied. herself. She is less torn by having to choose between herself and her
Ann is a young person who has never had to face herself. She family. In a profound, confident way she knows that when relation-
has no positive solitude persona. If pressed, she will tell us that she ships with others endas when her children go to school or finally
is frightened of loneliness. She has not completed one of the great leave homeshe can look forward to more time to enrich the rela-
psychological tasks of youth and adolescenceseparating from her tionship she has with herself.
parents and creating her own emotional stability. Perhaps she has The Charlottes of the world are a lot more fun to live with. They
lacked the courage to face her aloneness. Certainly, she has gone are more relaxed, and they are more able to defer their own gratifica-
through all the motions of growing up without becoming independent tions for the sake of those around them. People like Ann are worried
emotionally, intellectually, or economically. about how to find themselves, and they show their worry in a dozen
Contrast Ann with Charlotte. small wayslike whining about getting time alone, but then not
Charlotte is also a young homemaker with preschool children. taking it, or taking time alone and then not knowing what to do with
Charlotte's parents could not fully afford to pay for her college, so it. Paradoxically, within relationships it is selfish Charlotte who gives
Charlotte went to a cooperative school where she would, throughout more of herself. Not only does she want to give more, she has more
the year, work three months and then attend school for three months. to give. She is an interesting, centered person, with developed, in-
Charlotte dated and partied in college, but she also put in many hours formed opinions and goals.
alonestudying and writing, deciding on how to make a secure future Yet Charlotte's accomplishment has not been easy. When you
for herself. Her high grades reflected her concentration. Often her live within a relationship or multiple relationships, drawing on the
jobs took her to new cities where she knew only her co-workers. She positive solitude persona requires deliberate strategies. You must
spent many nights at home alone and many weekends alone exploring make a significant effort to maintain the persona, keeping your inter-
new places. est in skiing when your partner hates the snow or pursuing your
You can guess the rest of the story. Early in life Charlotte was education when your family would rather spend the money on some-
thrust by circumstances into solitude and contemplation, while Ann thing else. You want to be together, but you also want and need to
spent all her time with others. Of the two, only Charlotte came to be alone.
define her self. She instinctively learned how to be alone well, and in
her times alone she reflects on who she is and what pleases her. Ann,
246 DEVELOPING A PHILOSOPHY OF SOLITUDE THE POSITIVE SOLITUDE PERSONA 247

Vulnerability of the Persona in Relationships unimportant, but the fact is that in modern times frequent reflection
on our lives is more important than ever. Time spent reflecting helps
In a positive solitude relationship, you maintain your individual-
you to establish clear goals and strategies for your life. It helps you
ity. You hold your self a bit apart from your relationships, while you
to feel settled in life and at peace with yourself. Historically people
continue to develop your positive solitude persona. A positive soli- have had more structure in their lives than we have today. Whereas
tude relationship is the antithesis of romantic love in which two the feedback gap was once filled with survival needs, social repres-
partners seem to become one. Instead, partners are indeed partners, sion, social mores, or common enemies, today few of these compel
and family members remain distinct individuals. The positive solitude our behavior. With our modern freedoms comes the responsibility for
relationship is the hallmark of enduring, respectful love. You continue deciding what to do with our lives. Self-generated values must fill the
to build your friendship with yourself, that trusted and amusing friend gap, else we fall into ennui or plain busyness. As social pressures fall,
that you have come to know well. You understand your self, remem- responsibility for life decisions rests with the individual, and it takes
ber it, value it, refresh it. Within your relationships you will gain a new time to make such decisions. Within relationships it is much harder
appreciation of its preciousness, and so will your partners, friends, to find this time.
and family.
By choosing relationships, you may compromise some goals.
Yet the positive solitude persona is vulnerable during transitions You choose to raise children instead of becoming an artist. You
in relationships. Suppose you have spent many months or several choose to get married instead of becoming a globe-trotting journalist.
years learning and enjoying positive solitude. What happens when There are real losses in these decisions.
you decide to enter an important relationshiptake a lover, deepen By choosing relationships, you also take on some clear hard-
a friendship, or have a baby? Just as though you had been in a shipsthe complications of balancing other people's needs with your
relationship and lost it, there will be trade-offs. The experience will own, the demands of others on your time and energy, a loss of control
be something like saying goodbye to a friend, except, of course, that over your environment. Having known positive solitude, you will be
if you take the time to look, this friend will always be there for you. especially sensitive to these problems in relationships.
Having had positive solitude, you will find it costly to give up. You Because of our total conditioning toward relationships, it often
will have to learn new modes of living and new ways to fill the takes a major crisis for us to recognize positive solitude in the first
feedback gap. Remember that the persona includes a set of attitudes place. For the same reason, it will require a special effort to keep it
and skills that, once learned, can be tapped relatively easily. alive when we are no longer alone. Yet when you are in relationships,
When you enter a relationship after a time of positive solitude, you will still want to draw on and nurture your solitude persona.
it is natural to feel some relief. After all, you fit the cultural norms Using the persona requires that you believe in your own healthy
now. Whether you find an intimate relationship, make new friends, or selfishness. Your own goals are just as important as the goals of those
have children, society will applaud. You will be tempted at such times around youeven those, like your spouse and children, whom you
to forget about positive solitude, even to downgrade it as a less choose to nurture.
important experience. You can let yourself become the flotsam tossed around on the
What you should do instead is to take time to reflect on your new waves of others' lives, or you can choose to be the current of your
situation and to mourn the loss of time spent with yourself. In a way own. We need to hold ourselves apart from others, no matter how
you are saying goodbye to a friend. You will lose time alone to reflect, much we cherish them. The self can be violated in a relationship when
to appreciate, to be. You will lose precious time for deciding what is the other person's needs are taken care of and ours are not.
important in life. We toss away thinking time as though it were The self is also violated when one person reveals himself or
248 DEVELOPING A PHILOSOPHY OF SOLITUDE THE POSITIVE SOLITUDE PERSONA 249

herself fully and the other holds back. As Americans, we are prone developed. It helps to find a place that nurtures solitude. I have found
to being too self-disclosing in relationships. If one person really opens it helpful to go on a retreat at a particular yoga center that is the
up and the other does not, the former risks feeling isolated and spiritual home for several hundred people. The men and women who
alienated. In dating situations, being open and personally revealing is live there and their guests practice a lifestyle based on personal
one way to sell ourselves. Yet when we have told another person health and growth. Part of their philosophy is to reduce the stimula-
many of the intimate details of our lives and still no intimacy develops tions of the everyday world through practicing meditation, preparing
with him or her, we feel more isolated than ever.1 In our search for simple vegetarian meals, eating meals in silence, and reducing social-
mutual disclosure and commitment, we need to keep our integrity. izing with the opposite sex. Before experiencing their lifestyle, I
Intimacies should be allowed to develop slowly, with trust built in on scoffed at the idea of eating my meals in silence ("What are meals
both sides. The persona is thus protected, and we maintain a sense for," I protested, "except conversations!"), and I thought that the
of dignity. separation of the sexes was certainly a religious anachronism. But I
In relationships you must also avoid the trap of losing yourself had a few things to learn!
among couples. When you are in a relationship, it is important to find Mealtimes at the center are a pleasure. Eating in silence does not
friends who understand positive solitude and individualism. In her exclude people, does not make you feel uncomfortable; instead it
fine book Changes, Liv Ullman asserts that she simply will not attend includes and helps you to relax. To sit in a large cafeteria filled with
functions that are primarily oriented toward couples. The dynamics people who are eating thoughtfully and thankfully is peaceful. There
of such groups do not support a strong sense of self. are no social games, no conversations designed to impress or attract,
It is often suggested that singles should avoid couples because no boring small talk. In the cafeteria men and women mostly sit on
couples will only remind them of what they do not have. This sugges- opposite sides so as not to distract each other; this practice is ob-
tion is valid if the couple does not share their love with the single served most strictly by the brothers and sisters who live there, and
person. If the couple invite a single person to dinner and then talk to less strictly by visitors. There are no sexual overtones. We are
each other about each other and are not interested in discussing the alonetogether.
single's personal life, as though it were too dull, or unloving, or The same sort of separation is a theme throughout the center.
risque, then indeed they should be avoided. Cultivate couples who Men and women have separate saunas; they work in separate teams.
have enough love and sensitivity for three. The retreat is designed to help individuals meet themselves; it is not
Fortunately, as we grow older, being coupled is naturally deem- primarily a place for meeting others.
phasized. The heightened romance and sexuality of the teenage years Until I had this experience of being alone in an environment that
and young adulthood is eventually put behind us. Individuality supports positive solitude, I had not realized how laden our everyday
emerges ever stronger as we mature in our twenties and thirties. In experience is with relationships, especially sexual ones. We live con-
the middle years, people, even those with children, are increasingly stantly with the self-consciousness of being attractive to the opposite
expected to stand on their own and to build identities of their own, sex. I was used to being looked at and sized up, first in terms of my
and this emerging social expectation is healthy. sexual attractiveness and only later in terms of my personhood, and
I realized how often I do the same. At the center I began to see people
in a different light: not in terms of our relationship, but in terms of
Valuing Time for Your Self their health, composure, love, posture, and pleasantness. I learned to
Whatever your relationships, you must make time for your self- see individuals, rather than couples. I came to feel accepted as myself
You require time for your persona to be known and enjoyed and in these terms, too. Even professional roles can be dropped. After
2 5 0 DEVELOPING A PHILOSOPHY OF SOLITUDE THE POSITIVE SOLITUDE PERSONA 251

spending a couple of days at the retreat, it was actually shocking to The three that I loved, together grew
be asked what I do for a living. From my centeredness and wholeness, One, in the hour of knowing,
it was an effort to respond to someone who would define me merely Night, and the woods, and you
in terms of one factor in my life. And suddenly
At the retreat I feel wonderfulpeacefulcenteredalone and There was an uproar in my woods.
ready and open. As I drive home, I can feel the waves of stimulation The noise of a fool in mock distress,
begin to wash over me. Still, I have been able to carry many of these Crashing and laughing and blindly going,
positive feelings over into my everyday existence. Of ignorant feet and a swishing dress,
And a Voice profaning the solitudes.
Sharing Positive Solitude The spell was broken, the key denied me
And at length your flat clear voice beside me
We must communicate our need for positive solitude to our
Mouthed cheerful clear flat platitudes.
partners. Ideally, your partners will know or will soon come to under-
stand the importance of positive solitude in your life. I have enjoyed You came and quacked beside me in the wood.
showing a particular wry poem to friends who want to get a fast, You said, "The view from here is very good!"
though by know means complete, idea of what I mean. Here is "The You said, "It's nice to be alone a bit!"
Voice": And, "How the days are drawing out!" you said.
You said, "The sunset's pretty, isn't it?"
Safe in the magic of my woods
I lay, and watched the dying light. By God! I wishI wish that you were dead.2
Faint in the pale high solitudes,
And washed with rain and veiled by night,
Silver and blue and green were showing.
Transitions
And the dark woods grew darker still;
And birds were hushed; and peace was growing When you join and then leave important relationships to live
And quietness crept up the hill; primarily by yourself, the positive solitude persona is once again
And no wind was blowing. vulnerable. Once again you will mourn. You will be asked to look into
And I knew your heart, and seeing people stripped away from you, you will be
That this was the hour of knowing afraid. You will face pressures from friends, family, and society to live
And the night and the woods and you your life according to the way others have lived theirs. You will be
Were one together, and I should find asked to justify their choices by making similar ones in your life. Yet
Soon in the silence the hidden key you wouldn't choose your career because it was your parent's career,
Of all that had hurt and puzzled me and you should not make your decisions about solitude and relation-
Why you were you, and the night was kind, ships for that reason either.
And the woods were part of the heart of me.
That being alone is an acceptable way to live is an idea that has
And there I waited breathlessly, gained popularity only in the past twenty years. That being alone is
Alone; and slowly the holy three, a joyful, powerful way to live is still a new idea. Though more people
252 DEVELOPING A PHILOSOPHY OF SOLITUDE THE POSITIVE SOLITUDE PERSONA 253

are living alone than at any time in history, society's attitudes toward will experience it in the thoughtful, nondefensive, approach that you
these people are slow to change. "The singles scene" is now a take to being alone. Having experienced positive solitude, you will
recognized segment of American life, but it is not as prestigious as know how central it is to your own personhood.
the society of conventional relationships. Most people still harbor If we who have thus strengthened our selves can recognize each
within themselves the belief that the ideal state of living is being part other in the shared phrase "I have known positive solitude," it will
of a couple. People alone still find in society's attitudes a tyranny of give us great joy.
togetherness.
While feminists have succeeded in adopting "Ms." as a way of
Notes
avoiding being identified primarily in terms of their relationships, all
of us, women and men, single or coupled, are still filling out forms 1. Helen L. Wintrob, "Self Disclosure as a Marketable Commodity," in
that ask us to identify our status as "single, married, or divorced." Mohammadreza Hojat and Rick Crandall, eds., Loneliness: Theory, Research, and
In many cases, our status as coupled or uncoupled, and certainly the Applications, special issue of the Journal of Social Behavior and Personality 2,
reasons why we are uncoupled, is irrelevant. Most often an inquiry no. 2, Part 2 (1987): 77-S8.
about our relationship status is merely a vestige of a time when being 2. Rupert Brooke, "The Voice," in The Collected Poems of Rupert Brooke
coupled was essential and being uncoupled had revealing, mostly (New York: Dodd, Mead & Co., 1915), 88.
negative, connotations. Yet filling out the form without protesting is
the socially acceptable thing to doand we think nothing of it.
As a society, including even our most innovative thinkers, we are
still hung up on the simplistic belief that people need people, as
though we are primitive folk who can survive only within the tribe.
Change in the collective consciousness is slow, and we can also
regress. An increasingly positive climate towards singleswhat
some have too soon called a revolutionis now threatened by the
increased incidence of venereal diseases and AIDS. Homosexuals are
increasingly ostracized from society. As AIDS enters the heterosex-
ual population, will single people also be suspect? Already marriage
has become more fashionable. Will we also revert to yet more con-
ventional ideas about being alone?
We can be independent persons without denying that we recog-
nize the pleasures of being together with others; we can be independent
persons without denying that there are benefits in working together
with others; and we can be independent persons without denying the
fact that society, in order to function, requires individuals to feel some
responsibility for others.
You will recognize your positive solitude persona in your ability
to face the fear of being alone. You will know it by your mature
knowledge of the problems and prejudices that people alone face. You
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Curtin, Mary Ellen, ed. Symposium on Love. New York: Behavioral
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Ehrlich, Gretel. The Solace of Open Spaces. New York: Viking Pen-
guin, 1985.
Emerson, Ralph Waldo. "Society and Solitude." In Carl Bode, ed. The
Portable Emerson. New York: Viking Penguin, 1981.
Frankl, Victor. Man's Search for Meaning. New York: Simon &
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Hartog, Joseph, J. Ralph Audy, and Yehudi Cohen. The Anatomy of
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Hojat, Mohammadreza, and Rick Crandall. Loneliness: Theory, Re-
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