Image: Interior of St. Andrews Catholic Church in Roanoke, Virginia.

When I was a teenager, and when it came to considering the state of life
to which God was calling me, I had strong, gripping hopes and dreams
for what I wanted to do but an even stronger, more gripping fear of
letting my soul be silent. A fear of simply listening.
In my own imperfect way, I loved God and the Catholic Faith and was
trying to grow in holinessbut I was, nevertheless, terrified of letting my
soul be still, to the point where I could let go of my desires and wait to
hear Our Lords voice telling me His designs for me. That might have
required me giving up everything I wanted (that is, marriage and
motherhood in the home). And that felt physically impossible for me at
the time.

If I ever sensed a type of spiritual silence descending on me (whether it

was in Adoration, at Mass, or in bed), I would panic and chase it away. I
was so immersed in this fear of Gods will that, now, I can only imagine
how worn and unhappy I must have been, without even realizing it.

I desire you to be a consecrated virgin. I ask you to be a nun for My

sake. Fantasies of hearing those phrases ring out clearly in my soul were
paralyzing. If I felt a silence coming, I would immediately begin
convincing myself Ive always wanted to be a good wife and mother.
That means God gave me the desire from the beginning that means its
my vocation. Essentially, I had my spiritual hands clapped over my
spiritual ears.
After high school, I had chosen to be a young woman at home who didnt
attend college but instead remained with my family, waiting to see where
God led me in my vocation. Still, while Ive never regretted that decision
and never will, it was to a large extent backed by my own ardent desires
for traditional wifehood and a family, and not so much a calm
resignation to the will of God.

And then, over a year ago, my father made the decision that our family
was going to begin attending the traditional Latin Mass each Sunday
morning, at a parish forty minutes from home. He cared for how we
might feel about transitioning and initiated discussion after discussion
about the impending change, but he also sensed strongly that
we needed to be there. As the head of our family, he was determined to
see it through.
Thank God he listened to that divine urge.

Its impossible for me to write a complete narrative of what the

traditional Latin Mass has done to my soul and to my spiritual life over
the past year. Its so much larger than me, and in many ways beyond my
comprehension. But I am convinced, without any lurking doubt, that
God knew I, personally and individually, was in sore need of the Latin
Mass and the conversion it would help bring about in my soul, as a
Catholic, a woman, a person.
Firstly, it took away my fear of interior silence. This is something, I think,
Ive overlooked until recently but now I realize the importance of it and
how tremendously it helped to transform my spiritual life.
Any newcomer to the Latin Mass is struck, and often disoriented, by
the silence of things. Apart from the entire liturgy being celebrated ad
orientem, with everything being directed away from oneself and toward
God in adoration and sacrifice, the Canon and most importantly, the
Consecration is offered inaudibly by the priest, as it was for over a
thousand years.
Also, at a Low Mass, hymns are optional and (in the case of my parish)
usually omitted except for special feasts. This frequent, tangible silence
helps to create a profound spiritual quiet. This interior silence is
concocted not just by a mere lack of hymns, because it also pervades
High Mass, where much of the Mass is chanted, where plainchant and
polyphony abound in an effort to lift the soul out of itself, out of the
world, in adoration of God.

Reflecting on my initial experience of the Latin Mass, I recognize that,

simply because its liturgy is so visibly directed toward God, and because it
is suffused with such ancient reverence, quiet, order, and beauty, it
immediately stilled my soul. There, I had to besilent and know that God is
God. I had to look at Him. I had to fall still. There was nothing to hide
behind.
My fear of interior silence wasnt eroded all at once. Rather, it occurred
drip by drip, grace by grace, Mass by Mass, before I even halfway knew
it. Our Lord disassembled my stony wall, my terror of spiritual quiet
where I might hear His voice telling me to do something I didnt want,
my fear of a steady gaze into His eyes, of my vulnerably opening my
hands to Him. He dissolved my fears gently through the wondrous and
ancient liturgy. He taught me how to be silent in His presence and how
not to be afraid of the silence or of Him. This was the first and most
crucial step towards my becoming far more open to the will of God than I
had been previously.

The Latin Mass also increased my desire to learn more of the

Truth. Maybe it was as basic as the ancient character of the liturgy
captivating my heart, or, possibly, it was the fact that this liturgy was the
one that the vast majority of canonized saints were enveloped in at every
Mass during their lives but I found myself wanting to read (devour
might be a better word) works written by saints, priests, and holy
thinkers who lived when the traditional Latin Mass was all there was.
This was how I fell in love with my now frequently quoted adopted
spiritual father, Fr. Francis Xavier Lasance, and many others.
The traditional Latin Mass also filled me with a hunger to absorb and
contemplate as many of the truths of the Catholic Faith as I possibly
could. This hunger led me to read old instructional and devotional books
about the Faith, and more modern books written in a traditional tenor.
Several of these spoke of authentic vocational discernment and of simply
desiring Gods will, of desiring sainthood. I began to learn, clearly, the
traditional Church teaching on the different states of life.

In fact, here I can pin down the precise moment where I first realized I
had been fundamentally changed by Gods grace from the person I used
to bewhen I realized my old fears of hearing Our Lords voice were gone.
I was sitting at the kitchen table, reading Chapter 11 of Fr. Pietro
Leones The Family Under Attack. I had my highlighter in hand (almost
every passage in my copy is highlighted now). I was bent over the words,
intently absorbing.
My attention was arrested when Fr. Leone embarked on a description of
perfect chastity in the religious life.

The love of one who is perfectly chaste is directed towards

Christ. The Fathers of the Church considered perfect chastity as
a form of spiritual marriage to Christ and as an exclusive love of
Christ. As the consecration of virgins puts it: The Kingdom of
this earth and all worldly trappings I have valued as worthless
for love of Our Lord Jesus Christ, whom I have seen, loved,
believed, and preferred above all else. Yet there is more to
perfect chastity than the bonds of affection, as Piux XII goes on
to declare, for this burning love for Christ impels the virgin to
the imitation of Christs virtues, way of life, and self-sacrifice.
In this way virgins follow the Lamb wherever he goes. (Apoc.
14:4)
Upon finishing this passage, I paused, sank back into my chair, and
thought without even realizing what I was doing The consecrated life
is utterly, sublimely beautiful. It is true, and it is the most perfect representation
of our lives to come in Heaven. If I were called to it, I would go without
hesitation.
And then I realized what I had thoughtand I marveled at how
completely unafraid my soul was. At how still it was.
It was still at the knowledge that, if God were to show me that Hed given
me the vocation of perfect consecrated chastity, I would surrender my
hopes and natural inclinations to the married state and go joyfully
because His will is good and is all I should ever desire.
I had never experienced such a moment until then. It was all Gods grace
nothing whatsoever to do with me. But if it hadnt been for the
traditional Latin Mass working steadily on my soul, I doubt I would ever
have become open to that kind of grace.

So now I can say that as an almost twenty-one-year-old young woman at

home, Im finally in a place of true vocational discernment. A place
of listening. Of being able to tell Our Lord each day, Thy will be done. Do
what Thou wantest with me, and to mean it. For the first time in my life,
I feel as though I see my many faults and vices more clearly than ever
and yet truly desire to be a saint, for Gods sake, in a way Ive never done
before. My dreams and hopes for the future are no longer my property
I still have them, and yet I dont have them. I realize that this is a
tremendous, undeserved grace, and I pray I will never take it for granted.
The humorous thing is, if I were writing my own story, now would be the
time when I reveal that Ive discovered that God has been calling me to
the religious life all along, that He has guided me out of my lifelong
dreams for marriage and motherhood and made me realize that
surrendering my will to His means Im to become a consecrated
religious.

I consider nothing certain apart from my desire to do His will, and I am

completely open to, and listening for, the call to the religious life. Still, I
daily find myself through prayer and study becoming more sure, in
that quiet and calm way that speaks of Gods presence, that its quite
possible He does desire me to be a wife and mother. My long held desires
for that vocation remain, but in a way, theyve been transformed.
Through Gods grace, and again through no merits of my own, I want to
be married only if God sees that it will best help me (and my future
husband) to become a saint. I want to be a mother only if God has
ordained that I am capable, with His and my husbands help,
of raisingsaints.
At this point, I feel as though He is equipping me for the vocation of
wifehood and motherhood and that He is asking me to be patient,
trusting, and entirely open to His voice. If He ever shows me that He
desires me elsewhere, Im ready. But I am convinced that I can say this
only because of His great mercy in guiding my family and me to the
traditional Latin Mass. This liturgy opened, stilled, and illuminated my
soul in a way that nothing previously ever had. Deo gratias!
In closing, I especially want to encourage the traditional Catholic young
men and women who might be reading this, who are in a place of similar
vocational discernment. In the mystical Body of Christ, we are united to
one another in a special way, because we all are waiting we all desire to
do Gods will in our lives. Though we live in a time of brazen impiety
(to quote Pope Leo XIII), confusion, and often sorrow, we desire to serve
Christs Church, His Kingdom, with sublime joy and complete self-
abandonment. We want our lives to cry out Viva Cristo Rey with the
courage and fortitude of the martyrs.
Now is the time to be radically open. Now is the time to be wholly silent,
awaiting His voice. Now is the time to whisper, along with Samuel:
Speak, Lord: Thy servant is listening.

I would like to share a passage of spiritual wisdom from the holy Fr.
Lasance, in the hopes that it will encourage and enlighten you in your
discernment. May God bless you, and let us all pray for one another,
most especially at the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass!
In the first place, direct your heart constantly toward heaven.
Have but one desire, namely, to know and to do the will of God;
God will then bestow His grace upon you, and you will be
certain to make a wise choice. No one must count upon an
extraordinary call, such as the apostles and many great saints
received. Those were very special gifts of grace, which you
cannot expect. But if you keep your eye and heart constantly
directed toward God, He will enlighten you with His grace, will
give you prudent counselors, and so ordain external
circumstances that you may, if I can thus express it, be led by
the hand of your guardian angel to enter the state of life God
intends for you.
Truly the ways of God are wonderful and manifold. Sometimes
He impresses on the heart of a young child a desire for a
particular state. Consequently, later on in life there can arise no
question as to making a choice, the question having already been
decided. To others He signifies His will only when a choice has
to be made; and these often enter with joy of spirit into a state
for which they had long experienced a rooted aversion.
In the second place, keep your soul pure. A very great deal
everything, indeed depends upon this. The brighter and more
transparent is the glass of a window, the more readily do the
rays of the sun penetrate into the room; but the dimmer the
glass, the darker will the apartment be. The soul may be
compared to glass, to a mirror, in which they are reflected. If
you desire to be enlightened from on high in your choice of a
state of life, keep your heart clean, preserve therein the bright
light of innocence. If this light is obscured or extinguished by
sin, delay not to rekindle it by means of contrition and
confession.
In the third place, be diligent in prayer. From what has already
been said you must plainly perceive that prayer is of the utmost
importance in choosing a state of life. For, on the one hand, you
seek to choose the state of life which will best promote your
eternal salvation; on the other, the world, the flesh, and the devil
strive to decoy you into taking the wrong road.
There are two epochs in the life of every individual when the
devil lays snares for him with particular cunning. The first is
when he ceases to be a child; then comes the crisis, the critical
period when the result of previous training will show in the
innocence and purity of the youth or maiden, or the reverse to be
unhappily the case. I believe this critical period has already
passed with you; I confidently hope you have successfully
withstood the test and preserved your innocence.
But with yet greater cunning and force will the devil attack you
either now or a few years hence when you come to choose a
state of life. Should he succeed in inducing you to take the
wrong road, he will expect to emerge victorious from your final,
death-bed struggle. Therefore, my dear child, pray, pray! Pray
for light, that the mists may disperse and the road of life stretch
clearly before you; pray for strength to resist your passions
whatever sacrifices it may cost you; pray simply that you may
know and do the will of God.
In the fourth place, receive frequently and worthily the
Sacraments of Penance and of the Altar. These Sacraments
will maintain the purity of your soul, and the Giver of grace will
descend into your heart with His light and strength. After each
communion entreat Our Lord, with earnestness and confidence,
to teach you what are the designs of His Sacred Heart in regard
to you, and to strengthen you to make any sacrifice that may be
necessary. And on your communion days give some time to
serious reflection. Imagine that you are stretched upon your
death-bed. Ask yourself if you were in that awful hour what
state of life you would wish you had chosen. Would it not be a
cause of bitter regret if you had acted in accordance with your
own self-will . . .?
I cannot refrain from mentioning one more means for arriving at
a right decision, namely, a true, filial, confiding love and
devotion to Mary. On the present occasion I will only make
two brief remarks in regard to this devotion. If you desire
wisdom and enlightenment concerning the choice of a state of
life, the surest way to obtain it is through Mary, for she
is Sedes sapientiae, the Seat of wisdom. And if you wish to
attain eternal salvation, the surest way to realize this is through
Mary, for, as a great saint tells us, a true servant of Mary can
never be lost.
Do not imagine that thoughts like these are suited only for a
young woman who is about to enter the cloister. These
reflections are not intended for this one or that one, but for
all who desire to choose aright so as to ensure their eternal
salvation.
As you ought to beware of rashness in choosing a state of life, so
ought you to guard against over-anxiety. Do not lose heart in
presence of the momentous decision. Make use of the means I
have pointed out to you; look constantly toward Heaven. Keep
your soul pure; be diligent in prayer; frequently approach the
sacraments; practise devotion to Mary; regard her as your
Mother; and look with cheerful confidence into the future.
Eternal peace and joy follow the earthly struggle. The way of
the cross leads to the crown of immortal joy.
Fr. Francis Xavier Lasance (d. 1946). Requiescat in pace.