Overcoming Our Relationship Fears

Workbook

Aliveness Journal

A Guide for Overcoming the Seven Deadly Fears

Lawrence E. Hedges

2013

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 About the Author

Lawrence E. Hedges, Ph.D., Psy.D., ABPP is a

psychologist-psychoanalyst in private practice in Orange,

California, specializing in the training of

psychotherapists and psychoanalysts. He is director of

the Listening Perspectives Study Center and the founding

director of the Newport Psychoanalytic Institute in

Tustin, California where he is a supervising and training

psychoanalyst. He is an Assistant Professor at The

University of California Irvine Medical School, the Department of Psychiatry. Dr.

Hedges is author of numerous papers and books on the practice of psychoanalytic

psychotherapy including Listening Perspectives in Psychotherapy; Facing the Challenge

of Liability in Psychotherapy: Practicing Defensively and Sex in Psychotherapy:

Sexuality, Passion, Love and Desire in the Therapeutic Encounter. In addition, Dr.

Hedges offers live video and book based Continuing Education courses for mental health

professionals based on many of his books; to learn more visit sfrankelgroup.com.

Photograph courtesy Gale Rapallo

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Copyright 2013 Lawrence E. Hedges

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Created in the United States of America

For information regarding this book, contact the publisher:

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 Table of Contents

About the Author 3

Table of Contents 5

Aliveness Journal 10

How to Use Your Aliveness Journal .................................................................................................. 10

How to Use Your Body Maps ............................................................................................................. 10

How to Enjoy Your Listening Partner ................................................................................................ 11

1. The Fear of Being Alone ................................................................................................................ 12

Body Map Fear of Being Alone ................................................................................................. 13

React to Your Breathing ................................................................................................................ 14

Defining What I Need From Others .............................................................................................. 15

Consider Your Unmet Needs From Childhood ............................................................................. 16

Reach Out Into the World ............................................................................................................. 17

Reach Out to Someone and Say, "I need you." ............................................................................. 18

Reach Out and Ask, Where are You? ........................................................................................ 19

Reach Out and Ask, Why arent You There for Me? ................................................................ 20

Reach Out with a Listening Partner .............................................................................................. 21

Share with Your Listening Partner ................................................................................................ 22

Observe How You Avoid Feeling Alone ...................................................................................... 23

Take Responsibility For Feeling Aloneness .................................................................................. 24

Shrink the Monster ........................................................................................................................ 25

Say this Affirmation Aloud ........................................................................................................... 25

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2. The Fear of Connecting ................................................................................................................. 26

Body Map Fear of Connecting ................................................................................................... 27

Breathe Deeply Into the Fear ........................................................................................................ 28

My Freeze, Fight, and Flee Reactions ........................................................................................... 29

Recall Painful and Frightening Memories From Childhood ......................................................... 30

Imagine Touching a Scorching Hot Stove .................................................................................... 31

Recall Frightening Experiences of Connecting ............................................................................. 32

Touch Fingertips With Your Listening Partner ............................................................................. 33

Connect and Disconnect With Your Partner ................................................................................. 34

Reach and Make Eye Contact With Your Partner ......................................................................... 35

Feel Affirmed By Connecting With Your Partner ........................................................................ 36

Shrink the Fear of Connecting Monster ........................................................................................ 37

Say this Affirmation Aloud ........................................................................................................... 37

3. The Fear of Abandonment.............................................................................................................. 38

Body Map Fear of Abandonment ............................................................................................... 39

Breathe and Reflect on Past Abandonments ................................................................................. 40

Negative Feelings I Have Toward People Who Have Abandoned Me ......................................... 41

Things That Make for a Good Relationship .................................................................................. 42

Things That Make for a Bad Relationship .................................................................................... 43

Common Scenarios in my Significant Relationships .................................................................... 44

Role Reversal Scenarios ................................................................................................................ 45

Reach to Someone You Need ........................................................................................................ 46

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 Experience Your Listening Partner Reaching Back ...................................................................... 47

Express Your Hurt and Anger Over Being Abandoned ................................................................ 48

Accept the Reality of the Past ....................................................................................................... 49

Grieve the Loss.............................................................................................................................. 50

Let it Go! ....................................................................................................................................... 51

Drink in the Good! ........................................................................................................................ 52

Jump for Joy! ................................................................................................................................. 53

Say this Affirmation Aloud ........................................................................................................... 53

4. The Fear of Self-Assertion ............................................................................................................. 54

Body Map Fear of Self-Assertion .............................................................................................. 55

Reflect on Your Negativity ........................................................................................................... 56

Express Your Negativity to Your Listening Partner ..................................................................... 57

Think of a Person from Whom You Have Withheld Anger ......................................................... 58

Write a Letter Expressing Your Differences ................................................................................. 59

Express Your Negativity by Hitting with Force ............................................................................ 60

Say No! and Mean It .................................................................................................................. 61

Say No! While Making Eye Contact ......................................................................................... 62

Yell, Get Off My Back! ............................................................................................................. 63

Twist a Towel and Insist, I Have a Right! ................................................................................. 64

Shrink the Monster ........................................................................................................................ 65

Say this Affirmation Aloud ........................................................................................................... 65

5. The Fear of Not Being Recognized ................................................................................................ 66

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 Body Map Fear of Not Being Recognized ................................................................................. 67

Breathe, Relax, and Turn Inward .................................................................................................. 68

Image Demands and Image Self.................................................................................................... 69

Real Self ........................................................................................................................................ 70

Recall Experiences of Being Devalued ......................................................................................... 71

Recall Experiences of Being Acknowledged ................................................................................ 72

Experience Having Your Real Self Acknowledged ...................................................................... 73

Enjoy Real Self Esteem ................................................................................................................. 74

Shrink the Monster ........................................................................................................................ 75

Say this Affirmation Aloud: .......................................................................................................... 75

6. The Fear of Failure and Success ................................................................................................... 76

Body Map Fear of Failure and Success ...................................................................................... 77

Reflect on Work ............................................................................................................................ 78

Reflect on Social Relationships ..................................................................................................... 79

Reflect on Your Intimacy .............................................................................................................. 80

Reflect on Your Sexuality ............................................................................................................. 81

My Triangles ................................................................................................................................. 82

Fears of Failure and Success in my Triangles ............................................................................... 83

Feel Your Fear of Failure and Success in Your Body................................................................... 84

Experience Your Original Triangle ............................................................................................... 85

Consider How the Original Feelings Persist Today ...................................................................... 86

Express Your Negativity Toward Your Same-Sexed Parent ........................................................ 87

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 Ask Your Listening Parent for Support ..................................................................................... 88

Address Your Opposite-Sexed Parent ........................................................................................... 89

Express Your Negativity Toward Your Opposite-Sexed Parent ................................................... 90

Ask Your Listening Parent for Support ..................................................................................... 91

Shrink the Monster ........................................................................................................................ 92

Give and Receive Forgiveness ...................................................................................................... 93

Say this Affirmation Aloud: .......................................................................................................... 93

7. The Fear of Being Fully Alive ........................................................................................................ 94

Body Map Fear of Being Fully Alive......................................................................................... 95

Consider Pressures From All Your Groups................................................................................... 96

Elaborate On Group Pressures ...................................................................................................... 97

Put On Your Aliveness Monitor.................................................................................................... 98

Touching Base With My Body ...................................................................................................... 99

Shrink the Monster ...................................................................................................................... 100

Say Aloud This Affirmation ........................................................................................................ 100

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 Aliveness Journal

How to Use Your Aliveness Journal

Each time there is a "Working With the Fear" section in this book, a link to your

Aliveness Journal will follow. Use your Journal to record your experiences, feelings, and

thoughts that the exercise stimulates. If your e-reader allows, write directly in your

Aliveness Journal in this book so that your self discoveries will not get lost, disorganized,

or misplaced. Should you need a separate printable journal, simply print the PDF file

available at http://www.freepsychotherapybooks.org

How to Use Your Body Maps

Fears affect different places in our

bodies. As you go through the exercises

and write in Your Aliveness Journal you

will become aware that distinctly different

tensions are associated for you with each

of the Seven Deadly Fears. Using lines,

circles, or arrows indicate in any manner

that you like exactly where the tension or sensation is being felt in your body. Describe

the constriction or specific pain by writing directly on the Body Map. A different Body

Map is provided for each of the Seven Deadly Fears so that you can discover how each

different fear affects different parts of your body. As you work back and forth through the

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book locating the exercises that are important for you, add your findings to the Body

Maps.

How to Enjoy Your Listening Partner

Full benefit from this book can be obtained by choosing someone who can be your

"Listening Partner." This may be a person who simply listens as you do these exercises or

it may be someone who is reading the book with you and who participates in all the

exercises. Meet on a regular basis to read the book together. Work the exercises with

your listener and then when appropriate, change roles and you be the listener. Begin by

exchanging a "secrecy pact," assuring each other absolute privacy and confidentiality for

all of the feelings, thoughts, and experiences that come up in the course of your very

special time together. A secrecy pact increases the safety of your "listening space."

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 1. The Fear of Being Alone

SUMMARY: WORKING WITH THE FEAR OF BEING ALONE

Focus the Fear of Being Alone

Observe and Deepen Your Breathing

Elaborate in Your Aliveness Journal

React to Your Breathing

Identify Your Personal Needs

Consider Your Unmet Needs From Childhood

Experience the Body-Mind-Relationship Connection

Reach Out into the World

Reach Out to Someone and Say, "I Need You."

Reach Out and Ask, "Where Are You?"

Reach Out and Ask, "Why Aren't You There?"

Reach Out With A Listening Partner

Share With Your Listening Partner

Observe How You Avoid Feeling Alone

Take Responsibility For Feeling Aloneness

Shrink the Monster

Find A New Way

Affirm: "I am a human being with needs and desires that must be responded to. I can
reach out to others. I can bear the pain of rejection. I can find loving people who will
respond to me. I do not need to fear being alone."

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Body Map Fear of Being Alone

13
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
React to Your Breathing

14
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Defining What I Need From Others

My Unmet Needs Why My Needs are Unmet

15
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Consider Your Unmet Needs From Childhood

16
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Reach Out Into the World

17
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Reach Out to Someone and Say, "I need you."

18
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Reach Out and Ask, Where are You?

19
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Reach Out and Ask, Why arent You There for Me?

20
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Reach Out with a Listening Partner

21
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Share with Your Listening Partner

22
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Observe How You Avoid Feeling Alone

23
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Take Responsibility For Feeling Aloneness

24
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Shrink the Monster

Say this Affirmation Aloud

"I am a human being who has needs and desires that must be responded to. I can

reach out to others. I can bear the pain of rejection. I can find people who will respond

to me. I do not need to fear being alone."

25
 2. The Fear of Connecting

SUMMARY: WORKING WITH THE FEAR OF CONNECTING

Focus the Fear of Making Connections

Breathe Deeply Into the Fear

Write in Your Aliveness Journal: Freeze, Fight, and Flee

Recall Painful Memories from Childhood

Experience the Body-Mind-Relationship Connection

Imagine Touching A Scorching Hot Stove

Recall Frightening Experiences

Touch Fingertips With Your Listening Partner

Connect and Disconnect With Your Partner

Reach and Make Eye Contact With Your Partner

Feel Affirmed By Connecting With Your Partner

Shrink the Monster

Find A New Way

Affirm: "I am a human being with a capacity to enjoy intimate human connections. I
have been hurt in relationships. I can be hurt again. But I will no longer deprive myself of
life and love by avoiding connections. I do not need to fear connecting to others."

26
Body Map Fear of Connecting

27
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Breathe Deeply Into the Fear

28
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
My Freeze, Fight, and Flee Reactions

Freeze

Fight

Flee

29
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Recall Painful and Frightening Memories From Childhood

30
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Imagine Touching a Scorching Hot Stove

31
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Recall Frightening Experiences of Connecting

32
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Touch Fingertips With Your Listening Partner

33
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Connect and Disconnect With Your Partner

34
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Reach and Make Eye Contact With Your Partner

35
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Feel Affirmed By Connecting With Your Partner

36
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Shrink the Fear of Connecting Monster

Say this Affirmation Aloud

"I am a human being with a capacity to enjoy intimate human connections. I have

been hurt in relationships. I can be hurt again. But I will no longer deprive myself of life

and love by avoiding connections. I do not need to fear connecting to others."

37
 3. The Fear of Abandonment

SUMMARY: WORKING WITH THE FEAR OF ABANDONMENT

Focus the Fear of Being Abandoned

Breathe and Reflect on Past Abandonments

Elaborate in Your Aliveness Journal

Experience the Body-Mind-Relationship Connection

Reach to Someone You Need

Experience Your Listening Partner Reaching Back

Express Your Hurt and Anger Over Being Abandoned

Shrink the Monster

Accept the Reality of the Past

Grieve the Loss

Let It Go!

Find a New Way

Drink In the Good!

Jump for Joy!

Affirm: I am a human being who is alive! I can acknowledge and accept that my
earliest needs were not responded to in ways I required. I can grieve the loss of what I did
not have. I can let go of the illusion that I can re-do the past and make up for my pain. I
can now be open and receive all the good that is available to me in my life. I can love! I
can be loved! I do not need to fear abandonment. I can be joyful!

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Body Map Fear of Abandonment

39
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Breathe and Reflect on Past Abandonments

40
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Negative Feelings I Have Toward People Who Have Abandoned Me

41
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Things That Make for a Good Relationship

42
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Things That Make for a Bad Relationship

43
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Common Scenarios in my Significant Relationships

44
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Role Reversal Scenarios

45
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Reach to Someone You Need

46
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Experience Your Listening Partner Reaching Back

47
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Express Your Hurt and Anger Over Being Abandoned

48
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Accept the Reality of the Past

49
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Grieve the Loss

50
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Let it Go!

51
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Drink in the Good!

52
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Jump for Joy!

Say this Affirmation Aloud

I am a human being who is alive! I can acknowledge and accept that my earliest

needs were not responded to in ways I required. I can grieve the loss of what I did not

have. I can let go of the illusion that I can re-do the past and make up for my pain. I can

now be open and receive all the good that is available to me in my life. I can love! I can

be loved! I do not need to fear abandonment. I can be joyful!

53
 4. The Fear of Self-Assertion

SUMMARY: WORKING WITH THE FEAR OF SELF-ASSERTION

Focus the Fear of Self-Assertion

Reflect on Your Negativity

Express Your Negativity to Your Partner

Write in Your Aliveness Journal

Write a Letter Expressing Your Differences

Experience the Body-Mind-Relationship Connection

Express Your Negativity By Hitting With Force

Say "No" and Mean It

Say "No" While Making Eye Contact Yell, "Get off My Back!"

Twist a Towel and Insist, "I Have A Right!"

Shrink the Monster

Find a New Way

Affirm: I am a human being who enjoys doing things my own way. I have been
attacked, shamed, and hurt for wanting to be different from how others wanted me to be.
I can bear the pain of forceful, negative, and angry, opposition. I have the courage,
determination, and capacity to enjoy my own uniqueness and to assert my right to be
separate and independent. I have no need to fear self-assertion.

54
Body Map Fear of Self-Assertion

55
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Reflect on Your Negativity

56
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Express Your Negativity to Your Listening Partner

57
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Think of a Person from Whom You Have Withheld Anger

58
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Write a Letter Expressing Your Differences

59
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Express Your Negativity by Hitting with Force

60
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Say No! and Mean It

61
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Say No! While Making Eye Contact

62
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Yell, Get Off My Back!

63
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Twist a Towel and Insist, I Have a Right!

64
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Shrink the Monster

Say this Affirmation Aloud

I am a human being who enjoys doing things my own way. I have been attacked,

shamed, and hurt for wanting to be different from how others wanted me to be. I can

bear the pain of forceful, negative, and angry opposition. I have the courage,

determination, and capacity to enjoy my own uniqueness and to assert my right to be

separate and independent. I have no need to fear self-assertion.

65
 5. The Fear of Not Being Recognized

SUMMARY: WORKING WITH THE FEAR OF NOT BEING RECOGNIZED

Focus the Fear of Not Bing Recognized

Breathe, Relax, and Turn Inward

Elaborate in Your Aliveness Journal

Image-Self and Real-Self

Experience the Body-Mind-Relationship Connection

Recall Experiences of Being Devalued

Recall Experiences of Being Acknowledged

Experience Having Your Real Self Mirrored

Shrink the Monster

Enjoy Real Self Esteem

Find a New Way

Affirm: I am a human being with a Real Self that needs to feel affirmed, loved, and
respected by others. I am able to accept self-affirmation joyously, and without inhibition.
I have been shamed, humiliated, devalued, and hurt by others not finding me acceptable. I
can bear the pain of not always being acceptable to everyone. I do not need to fear lack of
recognition or being unacceptable.

66
Body Map Fear of Not Being Recognized

67
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Breathe, Relax, and Turn Inward

68
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Image Demands and Image Self

Image Demands Image Self

Here are the things that I must be or do: Here is how I actually am in relation to
each image demand on the left:

69
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Real Self

Who I Really Am and Have a Right to be Proud of:

How Shame and Pride Come Up for Me:

70
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Recall Experiences of Being Devalued

71
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Recall Experiences of Being Acknowledged

72
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Experience Having Your Real Self Acknowledged

73
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Enjoy Real Self Esteem

74
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Shrink the Monster

Say this Affirmation Aloud:

I am a human being with a Real Self that needs to feel affirmed, loved, and respected

by others. I am able to accept self-affirmation joyously, and without inhibition. I have

been shamed, humiliated, devalued, and hurt by others not finding me acceptable. I can

bear the pain of not always being acceptable to everyone. I do not need to fear lack of

recognition or being unacceptable.

75
 6. The Fear of Failure and Success

SUMMARY: WORKING WITH THE FEAR OF FAILURE AND SUCCESS

Focus the Fear of Failure and Success

Reflect on Work, Social Relationships, Intimacy, and Sexuality

Write in Your Journal about Triangles

Experience the Body-Mind-Relationship Connection

Feel Your Fear of Failure and Success

Experience Your Original Triangle

Consider How the Original Feelings Persist Today

Address Your Same-Sexed Parent

Express Your Negativity

Ask Your Listening Parent for Support

Address Your Opposite-Sexed Parent

Express Your Negativity

Ask your Listening Parent for Support

Shrink the Monster

Find a New Way

Affirm: "I am a human being who must cooperate and compete in many kinds of
relationships in order to feel fulfilled in my life. I have a right to feel strong and capable,
alive and fulfilled, in cooperation and in competition. I deserve fulfilling intimate and
sexual relationships. I do not need to feel shame or loss of self-worth when I lose. When I
play fair and with full consideration of others, I need feel no guilt when I win. I do not
need to fear either failure or success in competition or in relationships. I will not allow
damage, fears, and hatreds from the past to diminish my life and relationships in the
present.

76
Body Map Fear of Failure and Success

77
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Reflect on Work

78
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Reflect on Social Relationships

79
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Reflect on Your Intimacy

80
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Reflect on Your Sexuality

81
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
My Triangles

82
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Fears of Failure and Success in my Triangles

83
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Feel Your Fear of Failure and Success in Your Body

84
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Experience Your Original Triangle

85
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Consider How the Original Feelings Persist Today

86
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Express Your Negativity Toward Your Same-Sexed Parent

87
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Ask Your Listening Parent for Support

88
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Address Your Opposite-Sexed Parent

89
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Express Your Negativity Toward Your Opposite-Sexed Parent

90
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Ask Your Listening Parent for Support

91
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Shrink the Monster

92
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Give and Receive Forgiveness

Say this Affirmation Aloud:

"I am a human being who must cooperate and compete in many kinds of
relationships in order to feel fulfilled in my life. I have a right to feel strong and capable,
alive and fulfilled, in cooperation and in competition. I deserve fulfilling intimate and
sexual relationships. I do not need to feel shame or loss of self-worth when I lose. When
I play fair and with full consideration of others, I need feel no guilt when I win. I do not
need to fear either failure or success in competition or in relationships. I will not allow
damage, fears, and hatreds from the past to diminish my life and relationships in the
present.

93
 7. The Fear of Being Fully Alive

SUMMARY: WORKING WITH THE FEAR OF BEING FULLY ALIVE

Focus the Fear of Being Fully Alive

Consider Pressures from All Groups

Elaborate on Group Pressures in Your Aliveness

Experience the Body-Mind-Relationship Connection

Put on Your Aliveness Monitor

Touching Base with Your Body

Shrink the Monster

Find a New Way

Affirm: I am a human being who is unavoidably affected by the many pressures of

group life. I have allowed the standards and expectations of groups to limit my full sense
of life. I have suffered many times when my integrity, health, and sense of well-being
have been threatened by social demands. I have the power to monitor all parts of my
mind and body daily for signs of undue pressure. I am learning ways to identify and to
release every day any and all constrictions produced by the pressures of living. I do not
need to be afraid of being Fully Alive!

94
Body Map Fear of Being Fully Alive

95
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Consider Pressures From All Your Groups

96
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Elaborate On Group Pressures

97
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Put On Your Aliveness Monitor

98
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Touching Base With My Body

99
ALIVENESS JOURNAL
Shrink the Monster

Say Aloud This Affirmation

I am a human being who is unavoidably affected by the many pressures of group

life. I have allowed the standards and expectations of groups to limit my full sense of
life. I have suffered many times when my integrity, health, and sense of well being have
been threatened by social demands. I have the power to monitor all parts of my mind
and body daily for signs of undue pressure. I am learning ways to identify and to release
every day any and all body-mind-relationship constrictions produced by the pressures of
living. I do not need to be afraid of being Fully Alive!

100