Transactional Analysis Journal

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Symbols of Love
Pat Harnest
Transactional Analysis Journal 1981 11: 313
DOI: 10.1177/036215378101100408

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 Symbols of Love
Pat Harnest

Abstract they will not get what they want in life and
Presents procedures to enable each thus further their scripts. The pathological
partner in a couple relationship to identify early decisions evidenced in this behavior
"symbols of love," l.e., behaviors inter- may be, "I'm not loveable," "I don't
preted by the partner as evidence of love deserve love," "All men/women are ... ,"
from the other partner. aarification and and "I'm not worth being close to."
understanding of each partner's wants A pervasive expression of unmet wants
and needs often enhances communication and expectations of love symbols is heard
and the bonding of the couple. Examples in, "If you loved me, you would know
of use of the procedure in both couple and what I want," and again in, "If I have to
individual therapy are given. ask/tell you what I want, it doesn't count
when you do it." These are ways in which
clients keep themselves in needy places.
Symbols of Love are the especially em- In working with couples in my practice,
powered strokes which are interpreted as having them identify their symbols of love
evidencesof love by the recipient. They are and share this information with their
experienced as affirmation of personal partner has been a very helpful early exer-
essence, worth and loveability. These cise. Sharing their symbols, followed by
symbols may be elicited by having clients practice asking for wants and needs and
complete this statement at least ten times, negotiation for gratification, usually in-
"I feel loved when ." The creases the communication level and bond-
answers range from loving looks, pats on ing of the couple.
the derriere, to a certain gift item from
the past or present. Each person has many As couples share their symbol list, it is
behaviors or objects which they have usually apparent that each has been sending
encoded as love symbols. the types of signals and symbols that they
In intimate relationships, symbols of want for themselves. Recognition of that
love are very important to the quality and factor can help to relieve stress points in
duration of the relationship. Each must their relationship. An example of this
receivesufficient quantities of these power- phenomenon occurred with a couple I saw
ful symbols in order to feel loved, accepted recently. When the husband came home
and cared for. To this end, the symbols of from work one evening, the wife was busily
one person must match those of their preparing dinner. He patted her on the
partner to some degree. When they are derriere as he passed through the kitchen.
shared in sufficient quantity, each person She became angry and withdrew. As they
in the relationship will feel loved and discussed this episode in the office, he
accepted by the other. revealed that his pat was intended to send
her the message, "Hey, I love you." She
When there is insufficient matching, one revealed that her interpretation was,
or both will feel unloved and alienated. In "What a fat bottom." The simple clarifi-
unhealthy relationships, the partners may cation of meaning untangled one of the
choose each other, intuitively knowing that knots this couple was experiencing.

Vol. u, No.4, October 1981 313

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PAT HARNEST

Another use for the symbols of love

exercise is to have each make a list of their :;;
symbols and rate the frequency of receiving ".
...gtCi)
.c

them they have experienced in the recent Q) ...... 'Q;"

"E.!E
~

-CD
t-E
-gE ~E
past. This opens up possibilities for renewed .t: ~ "'- '" -a.~
:E"'" ui:r~
expression, provided that one or both have &?vi Mgtvi' .! ~ en i:~ vi
co....l_CD
Q,'" .ct-", :; ~ en ....l III

not already decided to opt out of the rela-

Examples af
- -CD 1: I:ft~ :E ...
.c
e-
~e- ~:~ O i ~ rs :;"ii: e
o: ~_ .....
". -
-
tionship. coE lI:I....l
=0
>_E ..>"'E- 0
Love Symb 015 u~ .....' -co_
E ..... .... :E~
In working with individuals, identifica- co~

tion of symbols of love increases their loving look s

Adult awareness of their own deep wants considerate of
and needs. Child want, Adult awareness nice surpri ses
and Parent protection and nurture can respect for
then be creatively energized to plan for sexual ini. orresponses
gratification. One client, who was stuck in no discoun ts
her therapy process, identified an incident take care 0f
at nine years of age, in which she desperately hugs, kisse s
wanted a certain small chain bracelet with a
peaceful time
heart on it for her birthday. She asked her
parents for the bracelet, and when she did blissful time
not receive it, made a decision that she was problem-so Iving
unloveable and that no one would ever time forintimacy
love her. She had been proving this decision value shari ng
for thirty years by her choices. support in problems
Identification of this incident and her help in pra ctice
early decision, led to her giving up waiting skin toskin time
for this symbol of her parents' love, know mywelfare important
deciding to give herself a substitute symbol shares feel ingsw/me
and completing her therapy contract. includes me indecisions
To assist clients, I use a form for listing
does nice things forme
symbols of love. The following example of
this form is partially completed with 1. Listlove symbols in column under courtship period, i.e.
symbols identified by one client. what the other does soI know I'm loved.
2. Rate more, less, same atappropriate intervals.
3. Estimate own distortion of past memories due to
emotional bias HO.
4. Discuss changes in relationship with other person.
5. Make new contracts-set ways to know and time period.

Pat Harnest, MS, Cbd, lives and works Relational Change Between Couples
in Fort Worth, Texas.

314 Transactional Analysis Journal

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