Chapter 4

Identity and Eating

Disorders
Eating Disorder Recovery Handbook

4.1 Personal Identity

Objective
The aim of this worksheet is to explore various aspects of personal and group
identity in relation to an eating disorder, allowing you to consider the common
thinking patterns you might need to challenge in order to fully recover.

Task
Read the following information on personal identity, using it to help you explore
who you are, who you want to be and how recovery can help you achieve this.
Let us begin by clarifying the definition of ‘identity’. It is:
• the distinct personality of an individual, regarded as a persisting entity,
i.e. individuality
• the set of behavioural or personal characteristics by which an individual
is recognisable as a member of a group.

Merged identities
Some specialists believe that eating disorders arise as a result of inappropriate
attachments during childhood. For example, a young person might struggle to
become independent from their parents, making it difficult for them to develop
their own identity. Childhood and adult relationships can mould personalities to
fit a need. For example, the child of an alcoholic parent may need to develop
certain personality traits and coping strategies inappropriate for their age,
affecting the natural development of identity in line with their peers.

Negative affirmations shaping your future identity

• ‘I will be happy when…’
• ‘People will only like me if…’
• ‘As long as I weigh x, I can cope.’
These statements are examples of negative affirmations that someone with an
eating disorder may be reinforcing on a daily basis. With constant repetition,
is there any wonder that these beliefs encourage disordered behaviours? Such
statements imply that the person ‘here and now’ is ‘not good enough’ and
should therefore be treated as irrelevant until the target affirmation is achieved –
almost suggesting that current identity should be paused until the eating disorder
is satisfied with being in control.

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A new person
Some people believe that the development of their eating disorder completely
changed their personality and made them a nicer person – more likeable or
vulnerable, for example.

Low self-esteem
Most, if not all, people struggling with an eating disorder also have issues with
low self-esteem, caused by a variety of issues (usually over a long period of time).
Feeling unworthy of good things and being unable to assert oneself has a knock-
on effect on personal identity. It isn’t uncommon for a person with an eating
disorder to ‘want’ something but feel unable to ‘have’ or ‘ask’ for that something
because they don’t feel that they deserve it. This restricts the development of
identity and the benefits associated with being more confident and assertive.
Therefore, it is necessary to develop improved self-esteem in conjunction with
personal identity/opinions as part of the recovery process.

Eating disorder identity as a coping strategy/protective shield

For many people, an eating disorder is used as a coping strategy for life – a set
of boundaries that enable them to predict outcomes and restrict challenging
situations. Some people feel that engulfing themselves in their eating disorder
enables them to manage other stresses. This can create the belief that the eating
disorder is protecting them from difficulties, making it a frightening prospect to
give up the disorder.
Others feel that having issues with an eating disorder encourages others to
care more about them, be more considerate and thoughtful, in a way that they
would feel unable to accept if they were not unwell. As a result, recovery can
often be delayed due to a fear of reduced consideration or the addition of more
pressure – this situation can actually encourage continued desire to maintain an
eating disorder identity in order to avoid increased expectations.

The crazy one!

Sometimes, a person with an eating disorder can end up feeling like the ‘crazy one’
who everyone’s talking about, especially if they also have issues with obsessive
compulsive disorder. This encourages a feeling of being misunderstood and
subsequent social isolation, which, in turn, limits the development of personality.

Identity idol
Celebrity, fashion and the television industry promote idolised figures, even
though many of the visual images are airbrushed and the stories embellished.
A person vulnerable to an eating disorder might find themselves influenced by
such media, believing that they would feel better about themselves if they were

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more like a particular celebrity, again suggesting that their personal identity is
‘not good enough’ in comparison.

Who’s in charge?
Is an eating disorder a separate entity/voice in your head, that you’re able to
argue with, or simply your mind as a whole? Some people describe themselves
as being separate from their eating disorder – sometimes feeling overwhelmed
by its strength and other times able to fight and overcome its power. Others
say that they feel that they are 100 per cent eating disorder, not knowing any
difference in their mind. The sufferer’s perception has a profound effect on how
an eating disorder should be challenged, bearing in mind that if someone feels
that they are their eating disorder, then fighting it would actually be fighting
themselves.

Recovery
The longer a person has an eating disorder, the harder it usually is to give
up the eating disorder identity. Worries about what other people think creep
into vulnerable minds. Long-standing behaviours, habits and beliefs can’t be
changed overnight, but they can be changed! Recovery is possible!

Reflection time!
Recovery is a process of small steps towards increased self-esteem, better
coping strategies and a more developed positive identity. Who could you
be and what could you achieve if you allowed yourself to meet your full
potential?

Before recovery, I couldn’t even tell you the basics about myself –
what I liked doing, what made me happy, who I enjoyed spending time
with – my identity was all about my disordered eating. Today, I know
what music I like, what helps me relax, my favourite place to walk. I feel
like I have found myself.

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4.2 Who Am I?
Objective
Every person is born a unique individual, who then experiences life from their
own perspective, influenced by the environment and characters that surround
them. Key personality traits are apparent from a very young age and then further
developed throughout adolescence and into adulthood. It is not unusual for
people to feel swept away and overwhelmed by life, leaving them feeling a little
lost and confused about who they are and what they want in life. An eating
disorder can exacerbate this situation, hindering the road to recovery. The aim of
this worksheet is to explore who you are and to help pave the road to recovery.

Task
Write down some key words that describe you before the eating disorder in the
first column and who you are at the moment in the second column. This could
relate to your key beliefs/morals, personality, spirituality, interests and ambitions.
The only rule is that your notes shouldn’t be directly linked to weight or food.

Who was I before the eating disorder? Who am I now?

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Take a moment to review and consider any differences.

• Can you explain to yourself why there may be differences? How does this
make you feel?
• Looking ahead, who would you really like to be? Which of your key
qualities are most important to you? Highlight or underline them.
• How can you let go of any negative qualities and further develop aspects
of your personality that you prefer?
• Put a line through any notes that you would like to change in the future.
For example, perhaps you feel lonely, so you could cross this out and
then note that you’d like to develop better friendships and relationships
so that you can be more social.
Considering all of the above, choose one or two positive qualities that you’d like
to emphasise and repeat this to yourself on a regular basis (not just today, but
until it becomes second nature). Use a statement relevant to the here and now,
and live by this statement whenever possible – for example, ‘I am kind’ or ‘I am
grounded’ or ‘I am brave.’

Who do others think I am?

Ask someone close to you to write a list of your qualities and discuss how
their perception may be different to yours. Perhaps you need to accept that an
eating disorder can distort your view of things and that you are, in actual fact, a
wonderful person with a lot to offer the world.

Reflection time!
The only thing in life that you can really rely on is change. An individual’s
personality develops throughout life, meaning that nothing is set in stone
and that you do have a choice about how your future evolves. So, who do
you want to be? You can make it happen!

I used to be controlled by food and self-hate. Today, my main goal

is to be healthy.

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4.3 Understanding Your Personality

Objective
We are all unique and can’t be neatly placed into personality type categories.
However, psychologists generally agree that most people can be understood
according to five key dimensions of personality. The aim of this worksheet is to
discover your personality according to these five dimensions.

Task
Read the descriptions below, thinking about how they might apply to you, and
then put the appropriate letters in order of relevance to you. Below you will find
a description of the combination of letters you have come up with.

How you gather and use your energy: (E) you derive
Extraversion or
(E) (I) excitement from engaging with the world, or (I) you
Introversion
conserve energy through mostly private activities.

How you relate to the world cognitively: (S) you rely on

Sensing or
(S) (N) logical, rational, factual information, or (N) you are
Intuition
imaginative, abstract and symbolic.

Your decision-making style: (T) you prefer to be objective

Thinking or
(T) (F) and logical in your choices, or (F) you base decisions
Feeling
more on personal and moral values.

Your method for handling the outside world and making

Judging or
(J) (P) decisions: (J) you quickly evaluate and decide or (P) you
Perceiving
continue gathering data and keep options open.

Source: Based on Briggs Myers (1998)1

These five personality dimensions can combine to form 16 personality types.

Below are summaries of each personality type and how some traits can contribute
to the development of eating disorders.

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The Protector: ISFJ As a protector, you value helping others and will do anything
(Introverted-Sensing- to protect your friends, family or children from harm. You can
Feeling-Judging) be overprotective at times, not giving those you care for the
chance to find their own solutions.
The Counsellor: INFJ You can easily spot emotional cues, and you can quickly
(Introverted-Intuitive- read the motives that inform people’s actions. Your sincere
Feeling-Judging) devotion to the needs of others hides your greatest fear – being
unwanted or unworthy of love.
The Provider: ESFJ You are a people-person; highly attuned to the needs of others,
(Extroverted-Sensing- and eager to support and encourage. This could cause you to
Feeling-Judging) take on responsibilities that aren’t yours. Many individuals who
suffer from an eating disorder share a strong desire to please
others.
The Healer: INFP Artful, spontaneous and individual self-expression are more
(Introverted-Intuitive- paramount than the practicalities of the moment. People value
Feeling-Perceiving) your commitment and desire to support them.
The Teacher: ENFJ You see opportunities where others see obstacles, and your
(Extroverted-Intuitive- commitment and passion to see people succeed are some of
Feeling-Judging) your admirable qualities. However, if those who you support
are struggling, you are likely to blame yourself.
The Inspector: ISTJ Your life is predictable, logical and orderly. Should you develop
(Introverted-Sensing- an eating disorder, the same applies to eating: measuring
Thinking-Judging) calories, arranging food and cutlery in a precise order, or
weighing yourself constantly. You are great at restoring and
keeping order in chaos.
The Mastermind: INTJ Besides your positive qualities – like working consistently to
(Introverted-Intuitive- improve yourself and others – you can be overly perfectionistic
Thinking-Judging) and invoke high standards for yourself and others.
The Craftsperson: ISTP You don’t care much for emotional matters, but the mechanics
(Introverted-Sensing- behind how the world works on a practical level make you
Thinking-Perceiving) come alive. You are action-oriented and can form close ties
with those who work with you to find answers to practical
problems.
The Composer: ISFP You tend to live in, and for, the moment. Seeking and finding
(Introverted-Sensing- beauty in the world matters a lot to you, and sharing this with
Feeling-Perceiving) others makes you thrive. However, your impulse to support
others, without expecting or demanding rewards, can lead to
exhaustion.
The Architect: INTP You are an independent spirit, and spend much of your time
(Introverted-Intuitive- deep in thought, trying to devise new, unconventional ways of
Thinking-Perceiving) doing things. Following the crowd isn’t for you, which is why
you are constantly inventing novel worlds in your head.
The Dynamo: ESTP You are a thrill seeker, and avoid serious emotional discussions,
(Extroverted-Sensing- even though you have some awareness of the emotional needs
Thinking-Perceiving) of loved ones; having fun-filled action in the moment is more
important for you.

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The Performer: ESFP Generally full of charm and entertaining, you have a keen
(Extroverted-Sensing- sense of who you are with and what is happening around
Feeling-Perceiving) you. You like to share with others your immediate, humorous
impressions of the world, because you have a need to generate
laughter.
The Champion: ENFP Your curiosity about people and need for close, authentic
(Extroverted-Intuitive- relationships draw others to you. You are passionate about
Feeling-Perceiving) life, and know how to motivate people to go on creative
explorations.
The Visionary: ENTP When others feel stuck and see no way out of a situation, you
(Extroverted-Intuitive- get excited because you see an opportunity to try out something
Thinking-Perceiving) new. The confidence you have in your ability to adapt and
come up with answers on the spot is admirable.
The Commander: Few people can spot flaws in a situation like you do, which is
ENTJ (Extroverted- why you make a great manager and group leader. Your ability
Intuitive-Thinking- to work on new solutions is also commendable, except that you
Judging) can be blunt and insensitive when others don’t quite see your
point.
The Supervisor: ESTJ You believe in order, structure, convention and logic, and
(Extroverted-Sensing- know how to bring stability to a situation. Others perceive you
Thinking-Judging) as someone who is always in control. Although friendly and
outgoing, you don’t have much time for those who don’t play
by the rules.

Source: Adapted from Briggs Myers (1998)2

Reflection time!
So, which personality (or mix of traits) are you? Can you see any links
between your personality and disordered eating? Just by recognising these
links, you are better placed to address them. Indeed, which personality traits
can you use to help you achieve health?

I was (and still am) the Counsellor. However, I now use this to identify
my own emotional needs as well (not just those of others).

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4.4 Feeling Worthy

Objective
Low self-esteem, along with other factors, not only puts people at greater risk of
an eating disorder but also serves to maintain an eating disorder. The aim of this
worksheet is to explore your own levels of self-esteem and how you can start to
feel worthy – of food, health, love and life.

Task
Take your time to complete each of the exercises below, even those you find
uncomfortable at first. They will help you start to build up your feeling of worth,
which in turn will help you see that you are worth recovery.

Where did it stem from?

If you struggle with low self-esteem, consider whether messages in your past may
have contributed to this issue. Are you aware of specific influences in your life
that had a negative impact on your confidence? Can you pin-point a particular
age when your confidence was knocked?
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Playing the blame game

Blaming life’s struggles on one person or incident is probably not healthy or
helpful. Equally, blaming yourself will not lead to a positive outcome. However,
it is helpful to give recognition to the struggles that may have influenced our
ability to develop a positive, healthy mindset. It can be helpful to explore these
challenges with the goal of achieving a level of acceptance. This may involve
a process of emotions that could include anger, grief and forgiveness. Some
people find it is only possible to feel comfortable with themselves when they are
able to understand where their emotions have come from and why.

Developing your ability to self-soothe and build self-worth

There are various strategies designed to aid self-soothing and build self-esteem.
Let’s explore some of these strategies.

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Highlight your qualities

Below is a list of positive and negative qualities. Highlight ten positive qualities
that relate to your personality. Choose a further two negative qualities that you’d
like to work on and improve. List these qualities in the space provided, with the
strongest written first.

Kind Sulky Helpful Generous Unkind

Receptive Selfish Manipulative Careless Critical
Thoughtful Careless Thoughtless Gentle Determined
Friendly Neat Understanding Aloof Cautious
Cheerful Honest Warm Interested Bossy
Caring Paranoid Considerate Passionate Brave
Dedicated Numb Fickle Enthusiastic Self-obsessed
Imaginative Narrow-minded Spontaneous Lively Disloyal
Smug Condescending Patronising Friendly Curious
Pushy Brooding Confident Self-assured Contented
Reassuring Approachable Dismissive Comforting Flexible
Controlling Indifferent Calculating Sensitive Insensitive
Dismissive Ethical Possessive Dynamic Intimidating
Consistent Two-faced Self-serving Humorous Imaginative
Loving Complimentary Jealous Untrustworthy Judgemental
Fearful Intelligent Artistic Loyal Anxious
Independent Sympathetic Treacherous Spiteful Inspirational
Aggressive Passive Trustworthy Accepting Serious
Entertaining Fun Supportive Creative Competitive
Empathic Bigoted Pessimistic Careful Optimistic

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Self-praise
Many people with an eating disorder find it difficult to praise themselves. They
feel arrogant or self-satisfied if they acknowledge positive aspects of themselves,
and often actively engage in thought processes that seek to maintain a negative
mindset and self-punishment. This behaviour can become habitual and obsessive,
which is something that must be challenged in order to overcome our inner critic.
Using the above exercise, share something good about yourself with a friend
or family member. You may wish to start with ‘I am a good person because…’
or ‘I am proud of being…’

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You may feel uncomfortable doing this exercise, but the more you’re able
to repeat it, the more you’ll be able to believe it. You could argue that the
more uncomfortable you feel, the more you actually need to hear the positive
self-praise.

The internal mother

The internal mother is best described as your own maternal instinct. It is the
intuitive voice that speaks to you and wants to nurture, love and mother you.
Often, this voice is underdeveloped and overpowered in the mind of someone
struggling with an eating disorder. To grow the internal mother, you must first give
her permission to be there – allow her kind, maternal voice to resonate within
you. Practise giving thought to what she would say to reassure and support you.
What would you say to someone else in your position? Eventually, the internal
mother can become a reliable source of comfort and rational thought.

Treat yourself, because you’re worth it!

Do or buy something non-food-related. This can be anything, from a new book
to a trip to the theatre. Make sure you treat yourself to something different every
week. Don’t make the treat conditional – you should do this regardless of whether
you have achieved any set goals during the week.
If you have a limited budget, select something free, like a hot bubble bath,
a night off or an evening with friends; just as long as it’s something that you
genuinely want to do.
Initially, you may feel uncomfortable or guilty about receiving something
good for you. This should serve as a reminder of how unusual it is for you to
prioritise yourself and therefore encourage you to enjoy the treat even more.

Reflection time!
Self-development is a continual process that requires ongoing attention, but
the benefits outweigh the effort overall. How can you be patient and kind to
yourself throughout this journey of self-development, utilising all the positive
support surrounding you on the way?

I still struggle to feel worthy, but the difference is that I now challenge
the lack of self-worth by treating myself better.

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4.5 Accepting Yourself

Objective
Accepting yourself is a lifelong challenge facing everyone on the planet. Some
people bumble along in life choosing not to worry about the finer details of their
experiences, whereas others feel overwhelmed with thoughts about being ‘good
enough’ for the world. Finding a balance between the two is probably a healthy
goal – although much easier said than done. The aim of this worksheet is to help
you find that balance.

Task
Each of us will have things about ourselves that we find hard to accept, which
will have an impact on how we live our lives. First, let’s consider what some of
these things might be and then we can look to how we can be more accepting
of ourselves.
• ‘I don’t like my body!’
• ‘I can’t accept a healthy weight.’
• ‘If I don’t do well, then I am worthless – I must over-achieve to compensate.’
• ‘I feel like a freak – I need things a certain way in order to cope; I can’t
cope with uncertainty.’
• ‘I can’t accept not being the best – if I’m not the best, then I’m not good
enough!’
• ‘I can’t accept that I deserve good things.’
• ‘I can’t trust or allow myself to rely on anyone.’
• ‘I can’t accept that someone else could love me.’
• ‘I can never take on board positive compliments.’
• ‘I can’t accept help.’

What do you find hard to accept?

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It’s important to recognise that the above comments are all examples of negative
thought processes that stem from a source in your life. Where has the message
come from? Who, if anyone, has reinforced this message? What do you do to
reinforce this message in your everyday actions?
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Is it time to re-evaluate?
Changing a thought process or belief takes time and commitment. Often, it is
necessary to explore the reasons behind negative thoughts in order to overcome
them, which might require the support of a counsellor. Don’t expect instant
change – long-lasting recovery requires a sufficient timeline.
List the things you find it hard to accept about yourself and any reasons why
you might be struggling with this.
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In order to move forward, towards a greater acceptance of yourself, answer the

following questions.
How could I begin to be more accepting?
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What practical action could I take towards improving my negative beliefs?

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Who else could support my journey to self-acceptance?

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What should I do about it today?

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Reflection time!
True Courage…
Comes from knowing that change is constant;
Involves accepting your limitations;
Is strengthened by believing in your abilities;
Comes from accepting imperfections;
Is needed to embrace all life stages;
Involves honest communication;
Is necessary to admit when you need support;
Knows that everyone makes mistakes, and that’s OK…that’s life;
Looks at the future with open eyes and open arms;
Embraces the sun, the rain and the rainbow.12

Accepting myself has been the hardest part of this journey, but it has
been the only way for me to move beyond my eating disorder.

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4.6 Assertiveness
Objective
Assertiveness is often confused with selfishness and aggression, even though it
has nothing to do with being strident or demanding and always having your own
way. To be assertive is to recognise that you have rights that you should stand up
for, while also taking the interests and feelings of others into account. The aim of
this worksheet is help you find that balance.

Task
Read the information below to learn more about the importance of assertiveness,
taking note of where you could be more assertive in your own life.
The costs of not being assertive include:
• a lack of choice
• a lack of confidence
• a lack of respect from others
• development of a childlike persona, allowing others to take control
• a lesser experience of work/relationships/family life
• a feeling of resentment towards decisions you feel unable to be assertive
about
• a feeling of inner frustration and possible anger towards yourself.
Everyone has the right to live life in the way that they choose as long as this doesn’t
interfere with the rights of others. You have the right to say ‘no’ and the right to
have your opinion heard. Being assertive means taking responsibility for your life.
It’s important to be clear about your needs and communicate them clearly.
Often, people fail to get what they want because other people don’t know what
they want, not because they don’t want to give it. Suppose you were hungry and
would like to eat early. You could be direct and say, ‘I am hungry; would you
mind if we ate early?’ Or you could be indirect and say, ‘Are you hungry? Do you
want to eat early?’ In either case, the other person may disagree, but by using
the direct approach at least they would know what you want.
When communicating your needs, try to avoid ‘you’ statements, such as ‘You
are so unreliable.’ The person may resent being blamed. Use ‘I’ statements, such
as ‘I feel angry when you say you will do something and you don’t do it.’ This
expresses your feelings without blaming the other person.
You may find it helpful to break down what you want to say into the following
four parts:

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• Explanation: State the problem or request clearly, as you see it.

• Feelings: Acknowledge your own feelings, using ‘I’ (not ‘you’) statements.
• Needs: Outline clearly what you want out of the situation, making as few
demands as possible.
• Results: Say what will happen as a result, including the results if your
needs are met and the disadvantages if they are not.
For example, if you wanted more help around the house:
• Explanation: ‘I seem to be taking on more than my fair share of
housework.’
• Feelings: ‘It’s upsetting me because I don’t get enough time to myself
any more.’
• Needs: ‘I’d like us to sit down and decide on a fairer system.’
• Results: ‘I’d be much more relaxed and my mood would be better if I
had some help with the housework.’
It’s important to learn when and how to say ‘no’. Often, people make requests
that are quite vague or indirect, so it’s important to first establish what is being
asked of you. It is then necessary to decide how much you are prepared to
compromise. Once this is established, a simple way of staying firm with your
decision is to use the ‘broken record technique’. Keep repeating your decision in
a relaxed but firm way, over and over again, until the other person accepts it. If
you do this with a smile and some understanding for the other person’s problem,
and can provide a good reason for saying ‘no’, then there is not much chance of
your offending them. Of course, there will be certain situations where saying ‘no’
isn’t in your best interests, so try to weigh up the pros and cons and anticipate the
consequences of your words and actions.

Reflection time!
Remember that being assertive is not the same thing as being selfish or
aggressive. Being assertive will enhance not only your life but the lives of those
around you too. Try to set an example of how people should treat each other by
starting to show some respect for your own opinions and needs.

I used to think being assertive meant be angry and forceful. In reality,

it is about respecting ourselves and setting healthy boundaries.

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4.7 The Inner Child

Objective
The ‘inner child’, also called the divine child, wonder child, true self or child
within, is the part of you that houses childlike and adolescent behaviours,
memories, emotions, habits, attitudes and thought patterns. It is an autonomous
sub-personality with its own needs, desires, issues and goals. In this sense,
your inner child functions independently of your adult self. When you don’t
acknowledge your inner child and help meet his or her needs, it can feel that
your inner child  and adult self are working in opposition – a battle emerges
between your head and your heart. The aim of this worksheet is to ‘meet’ your
inner child and to discover what his or her needs are.

Task
Let’s take a step today in seeing our inner child and examining what he or she
needs from us to be happier, healthier and consistent with our adult self.

Who is your inner child?

Your inner child can come in many guises. How you made sense of and interpreted
the world as a child helped to lay the foundation for the growing inner child.
Perhaps you felt abandoned as a child? Fearful? Maybe even spoilt? That part
of you still exists today. In order to feel more comfortable in yourself, you can
learn to love and parent this child within so that feelings of abandonment turn to
feelings of acceptance, fearfulness turns to a sense of safety, and spoilt feelings
turn to a sense of independence.

Recognising your own inner child

In general, we can recognise our inner child when our emotions don’t fit our
experience or our intellectual understanding. Maybe you felt guilty after taking
the healthy, adult decision to eat breakfast. The act of listening to your adult self
and the behaviour of eating have evoked your inner child – the part of you that
remains insecure in decision-making and needs your guidance – or your internal
mother – to show what healthy eating is.
People with eating disorders tend to feel emotion – guilt, panic, despair – to
such a high degree that they don’t see the child within who holds these emotions.
By recognising the emotion and putting it to one side briefly so that you can
acknowledge your inner child, you give yourself the choice to be a good parent
to this child – to soothe him or her instead of supporting his or her fears with
automatic eating-disordered actions.

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Embracing your inner child

Take a piece of plain paper and some pens or pencils, and draw your inner
child. Consider factors such as:
• How old is he or she?
• What is he or she wearing?
• What is his or her facial expression?
Purely focus on the image of your inner child at the moment, without thinking
too much about what your inner child is thinking or feeling. Don’t worry about
being the next Van Gogh or Monet – just draw. Alternatively, if you lack the
confidence to draw, search for a picture that demonstrates your inner child.
This isn’t about art but about ‘seeing’ your inner child, the one who has been
crying out for help via unhealthy, disordered thoughts and behaviours.

Embracing your inner child involves recognising, acknowledging and valuing

the presence of your inner child – you have already started to do this with your
drawing.

Healing your inner child

Carrying old pain can leave the inner child feeling lonely and isolated, and
without intervention from the adult self, the inner child can remain a wounded
part of the self that will continue to harm our adult life. By reclaiming and by
beginning to transform your relationship with your inner child, you can help that
wounded part of the self to uncover false images, beliefs and expectations that
currently limit your life.
It’s important to realise that healing the inner child isn’t going to happen
overnight. Once you have acknowledged the reality of your inner child and are
willing to embrace him or her, it’s then a matter of approaching them with adult
mindful awareness. In this way, you replace the adult critic with the supportive,
loving parent who is free of judgement. Instead of berating your inner child for
‘giving in’ to breakfast, you gently hold his or her hand and teach them why
breakfast is so important. Over time, it will become easier and safer for your
inner child to come out and share experiences with you so that he or she can
start to heal from past pain.
What the inner child desires in the beginning is for the inner parent to take
him or her seriously, and listen attentively without criticism to his or her needs,
fears, concerns, wishes and observations. The inner child doesn’t expect the
adult parent to have all the answers either, but is ready and resourceful enough
to provide direction and guidance to the inner parent who is willing enough to
listen with attentive care.

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Look at the picture you drew of your inner child. Really try to listen to him or
her, writing down the following:
• How does he or she feel?
• What does he or she need?
• How can you help?
In your head, speak back to your inner child and soothe him or her. Tell them
they have been heard and explain how you will help them have their needs
met. If you can, imagine holding him or her. It is OK if you are not yet ready to
do this. It is also OK to tell your inner child that you are new to this and might
not always get it right. Children are incredibly understanding – they don’t seek
or need perfection.

Having fun with your inner child

You have made huge steps towards introducing yourself to your inner child.
It will have been emotional and perhaps even painful or rewarding – everyone
will have a different experience. Your inner child has made huge steps too in
allowing you to see him or her. Maybe now it is time for both of you to have some
fun. Experts believe that when we are at our most creative, and are absorbed in
activities with fascination and awe to the point where our actions feel more like
play than work, the inner child is close to the surface. So, remember that being
with your inner child isn’t just about negative emotions; it also involves having
fun – cuddling your pet, watching your favourite childhood film, playing a joke
on someone. Now you know what to do when your inner child starts to feel bad
for having fun, what’s stopping you?

Reflection time!
If you completed the exercises in this worksheet, you will have a much better
idea of what your inner child needs. Reflect on how you might help get these
needs met.

Inner child work was by far the most influential aspect of my recovery.
If I hadn’t met the Little Me, hiding inside, I wouldn’t have been able to
heal the pain and fear she was feeling, which was ultimately at the core
of my eating disorder.

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4.8 Challenging Body Image Distortion

Objective
Negative body image and low self-esteem are often linked to the onset of eating
disorders, particularly anorexia and bulimia, as well as being reliable predictors
of relapse. The aim of this worksheet is to provide you with the tools needed to
challenge body image distortions that are exacerbated by the media.

Task
Read some of the strategies below that could help you challenge your own body
image distortions, visualising yourself putting them into action.

The media
Few of the images we see in the media are presented to us in their original
form. Most have been retouched, enhanced, edited or altered in some way.
Furthermore, the media tend to focus on weight loss, associating it with health
and happiness, often without explaining the dangers and risks of excessive weight
loss. Focus has moved away from a healthy balanced diet and towards ‘quick
fixes’ that are unlikely to be maintainable in the long term.

How can we improve body image?

Striving to achieve an unattainable ideal is an endless cycle – with no reward at
the end! Learning to accept ourselves for who we are is the first step in improving
self-esteem and body satisfaction. It is important to be mindful that when we
see images in the media, they are rarely all they seem. Our bodies are only
alterable to an extent. We cannot change our genetics, bone structure or body
type. Remember that all these things can all too easily be achieved at the click
of a mouse!

Challenge the images you see in the media

When confronted by an image in the media, try to remember these things:
• Few of the images we see are in their original form – most are airbrushed,
not to mention the amount of make-up and styling involved in photo shoots!
• Few models represent the average and healthy female or male form.
• The media deliberately try to distort our perception of ‘beauty’. Challenge
this. What really makes someone beautiful? Surely there is a great deal
of beauty in being ‘different’ rather than fitting a stereotype?
• Advertising companies have a vested interest in making us feel negatively
about ourselves – it helps them to sell their products!
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Positive affirmations
Try to start and end each day with a positive affirmation, such as:
• ‘I am going to feel good about myself all day.’
• ‘I am unique and therefore beautiful in my own way.’
• ‘I have many things to be proud of in my life.’
• ‘Today I am going to achieve all the things I want to.’
• ‘I will look after myself so my body can be healthy, strong and function
well.’
• ‘I can’t wait for the next challenge in my life.’
• ‘I am going to eat healthily and exercise sensibly to improve my health.’
Even if you don’t believe the statements are true at first, eventually they will
trickle into your subconscious and become part of your reality, helping you to
overcome the negative feelings you have about yourself.

Focus on your health

Your body is a fine piece of machinery with astounding capabilities. Think
about  what you do for it in return. Does it really deserve the constant
battering about not being good enough? Does it really deserve to have so much
negativity directed at it?
Focus on appreciating your body and concentrate on looking after it and
keeping it healthy. If you give your body healthy foods and regular gentle
exercise, it will reward you by becoming fitter, stronger and more efficient than
ever before.

Pamper yourself
Instead of focusing on weight and perfection, focus on doing things that make
you feel good about your appearance in other ways. For example, you could:
• ask a friend to paint your nails (or do it yourself!)
• get a haircut, colour your hair or style it in a different way
• use a face-mask (even go the whole hog with cucumbers, relaxing music
and candles!)
• take a long bubble bath
• try some new make-up or give yourself or a friend a makeover
• do some gentle exercise (e.g. yoga).

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More tips!
• Limit the amount of time you spend looking at yourself and your body
in the mirror. Remind yourself of the concept and power of body image
distortion, and repeat this question to yourself: ‘When I am feeling fat,
what am I feeling beneath the fat feeling?’
• Refuse to buy magazines that emphasise thinness, and pay close attention
to the messages society and the media give us. Be proactive with this
information, not reactive. Consider writing letters to the editor stressing
your concerns, or boycott the magazines once and for all.
• Begin to focus on the concept of inner beauty for yourself and others.
Look for beauty in personality and attitude, and decrease the focus on
physical appearance.
• Fuel your body as you would fuel your car. Calories are energy; deprivation
of calories can result in greater body image distortion.
• When you find yourself focusing on your body, visualise a stop sign, and
don’t allow this focus to continue. ‘Thought stopping’ will also lead to
decreased focus and distortion.

Reflection time!
Which of the above strategies do you think would help you the most? Why
don’t you try it next time you find yourself thinking negatively about your
body? It can’t hurt.

I no longer give myself the opportunity to beat myself up about my

body. For example, I know not to constantly check myself in the mirror
or shop windows.

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4.9 Enhancing a Positive Body Image

Objective
Body satisfaction is part of your overall body image, which is very low in people
with eating disorders. To be satisfied with your body, you need to be in a place
where you have accepted your weight and shape and are no longer burdened
by body distortion. The aim of this worksheet is to provide you with some top tips
to enhance a positive body image.

Task
Read the following tips, highlighting the advice you feel able to try:
• Appreciate other people for their differences, rather than comparing
yourself with them in a critical way. Notice their facial features and
expressions. Consider how people move and interact with each other.
Appreciate how people express their personality.
• Only use mirrors for practical tasks, such as applying make-up. This
includes avoiding the use of windows as mirrors. Stop assessing your
worth based on the shape and size of your reflection.
• Avoid magazines that criticise and ridicule people about their body image.
Choose magazines that encourage physical and emotional well-being, or
relate to another aspect of life, such as travel or hobbies. Assess whether
they encourage creativity, individuality and positive thinking. Consider
choosing magazines that teach you something that will enhance life.
• Spring-clean your wardrobe! Give away any clothes that make you
feel uncomfortable or encourage you to be unhealthy. Try to introduce
clothes that encourage you to feel confident and positive. Express your
personality through your choices.
• Take good care of your body. Feed it well, exercise in moderation and
allow yourself time to rest and relax. Make time to enjoy a bubble bath
or hot shower, and gently moisturise your skin afterwards.
• Make food choices based on what is natural, what your body needs and
what you like. Avoid counting calories and grams of fat. Instead, eat a
variety of different foods regularly throughout the day.
• Surround yourself with positive people who appreciate you for who you
are as a person. Try not to let another person’s opinion negatively affect
your self-worth. You deserve to be treated well by yourself and others.
• Avoid weighing yourself any more than once a week, if at all! Body
dissatisfaction will turn any number on the scales into a reason to

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reprimand yourself. Instead, trust that a healthy balance of food and

exercise will result in a healthy you, perfect for your lifestyle.
• Enjoy activities that make you feel empowered and happy. Take up
hobbies that encourage a healthy attitude and social communication.
Spend time outside, appreciating nature and fresh air. Organise your
life so that it includes regular plans out and about, exposing you to new
experiences and people.
• Respect your body for what it does for you. Appreciate your health and
abilities. Do not harm your body. Thank it for what it does for you – it is
amazing!
• Invest in relationships. Socialise with friends who make you feel accepted.
Try to have some fun! Appreciate that everyone makes mistakes, but
also that trust and loyalty can be nurtured. Allow yourself to be open to
personal relationships, offering love and affection that will enhance your
self-esteem. Allow yourself to feel and give love to someone else. You
deserve to be happy.
• When all else fails, know that there is always someone who can help. The
one thing in life that is constant is change. Nothing ever stays the same,
so appreciate everything and every moment for what it is. Embrace the
rain, the sun and the rainbow!

Reflection time!
If you were to implement three of the above tips today, which would they be
and why? So, what’s stopping you? Start now!

However low I feel about my body, I have a rule that it won’t stop me
seeing my friends. This has helped me a lot, as I have usually forgotten
my body worries after a good laugh with friends.

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