HOW TO WIN FRIENDS & INFLUENCE

PEOPLE
PART ONE : FUNDAMENTAL TECHNIQUES IN HANDLING PEOPLE

PART TWO : SIX WAYS TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU

PART THREE: HOW TO WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING

PART FOUR : BE A LEADER: HOW TO CHANGE PEOPLE WITHOUT GIVING

OFFENSE OR AROUSING RESENTMENT
 PART ONE:
1

DON’T CRITICIZE, CONDEMN OR COMPLAIN

I have had some interesting correspondence with Lewis Lawes, who was warden of New York’s
infamous Sing Sing prison for many years, on this subject, he declared that “few of the criminals in
Sing Sing regard themselves as bad men. They are just as human as you and I. So they rationalize,
they explain. They can tell you why they had to crack a safe or be quick on the trigger finger. Most of
them attempt by a form of reasoning, fallacious or logical, to justify their antisocial acts even to
themselves, consequently stoutly maintaining that they should never have been imprisoned at all.”

Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify
himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurt his sense of
importance, and arouses resentment.

Hans Seyle, another great psychologist said, “As much as we thirst for approval, we dread of
condemnation.”

“A great man shows his greatness,” said Carlyle, “by the way he treats little men.” Instead of
condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do.
That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and
kindness. “To know all is to forgive all.”

GIVE HONEST AND SINCERE APPRECIATION

John Dewey, one of the America’s most profound philosophers, phrased it a bit differently. Dr.
Dewey said that the deepest urge in human nature is “the desire to be important.” Remember that
phrase: “the desire to be important.” It is significant. You are going to hear a lot about it in this book.
The desire for a feeling of importance is one of the chief distinguishing differences between mankind
and the animals.

The one significant difference between robber and killer, Dillinger and generous rich man,
Rockefeller is how they got their feeling of importance.

Andrew Schwab was paid a million dollars a year for his ability to deal with people. His useful
principle: “I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.”

Now, if we stop thinking about ourselves for a while and begin to think of the other person’s good
points, we won’t have to resort to flattery so cheap and false that it can be spotted almost before it
is out of the mouth. Emerson said: “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn
from him.”
 3

AROUSE IN THE OTHER PERSON AN EAGER WANT

The only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them
how to get it.

For example, a little boy, Tim was kicking and screaming to show protest for not going to the
kindergarten the very next day. His father, Stan would have banished the child to his room and tell
him he’d just better make up his mind to go. But tonight, recognizing that this would not reallt help
Tim start kindergarten in the best frame of mind, Stan sat down and thought, “If I were Tim, why
would I be excited about going to kindergarten?” He and his wife made a list of all the fun things Tim
would do such as finger painting, singing songs, making new friends.

“We all started finger painting on the kitchen table – my wife, Lil, my other son Bob, and myself, all
having fun. Soon Tim was peeping around the corner. Next he was begging to participate. ‘Oh, no!
You have to go to kindergarten first to learn how to finger-paint. Then, I tell him with full of
enthusiasm about the fun in kindergarten.

The next morning, I thought I was the first one up but Tim was already sitting asleep in the living
room chair. ‘What are you doing here?’ I asked. ‘I’m waiting to go to kindergarten. I don’t want to be
late.’ The enthusiasm of our entire family had aroused in Tim an eager want that no amount of
discussion or threat could have possibly accomplished.”

Tomorrow you may want to persuade somebody to do something. Before you speak, pause and ask
yourself: “How can I make this person want to do it?”
 PART TWO
1

BECOME GENUINELY INTERESTED IN OTHER PEOPLE

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in
two years by trying to get other people interested in you. People are not interested in you or in me.
They are interested in themselves. A famous old Roman poet, Publilius Syrus, remarked: “We are
interested in others when they are interested in us.” A show of interest, as with every other principle
of human relations, must be sincere. If you want others to like you, if you want to develop
friendship, if you want to help others at the same time as you help yourself, keep this principle in
mind.

A magician, Mr. Thurston always says to himself before stepped in front of the footlights: “I love my
audience. I love my audience.” If we want to make friends, let’s greet people with animation and
enthusiasm. Many companies train their telephone operators to greet all callers in a tone of voice
that radiates interest and enthusiasm. The caller feels the company is concerned about them.

SMILE
Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, “I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see
you.” An insincere grin? That doesn’t fool anybody. We not it is mechanical and we resent it. A real
smile comes from within, the kind of smile that will bring a good price in the marketplace.

Professor James V. McConnell, psychologist at University of Michigan said, “People who smile thend
to manage, teach and sell more effectively and to raise happier children. That’s why encouragement
is a much more effective teaching device than punishment.”

The effect of a smile is powerful – even when it is unseen. Happiness doesn’t on outward conditions.
It depends on inner conditions. The ancient Chinese proverb said: “A man without a smiling face
must not open a shop.” Your smile is a messenger of your good will. Your smile brightens the lives of
all who see it. To someone who has seen a dozen people frown, scowl or turn their faces away, your
smile is like the sun breaking through the clouds.

SWEETEST AND MOST IMPORTANT SOUND IN ANY LANGUAGE

Jim Farley, the chairman of the Democratic National Committee and Postmaster General of the
united States can call up to fifty thousand people by their first names. This policy of remembering
and honouring the names of his friends and business associates was one call many of his factory
workers by their first names, and he boasted that while he was personally in charge, no strike ever
disturbed his flaming steel mills.
We should be aware of the magic contained in a name and realize that this single item is wholly and
completely owned by the person with whom we are dealing... and nobody else. The name sets the
individual apart; it makes him or her unique among all others. The information we are imparting or
the request we are making takes on a special importance when we approach the situation with the
name of the individual. From the waitress to the senior executive, the name will work magic as we
deal with others.

BE A GOOD LISTENER. ENCOURAGE OTHERS TO TALK ABOUT

THEMSELVES
Listening is just as important in one´ s home life as in the world of business. Millie Esposito of
Croton-on-Hudson, New York, made it her business to listen carefully. One evening she was sitting in
the kitchen with her son. Robert said “Mom, I know that you love me very much. Mrs. Esposito was
touched and said “Of course I love you very much. Did you doubt it?” Robert responded: “No, but I
really know you love me because whenever you are doing and listen to me.”

Even the most violent critic, frequently soften and be subdued in the presence of a patient,
sympathetic listener. So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener.Be
interested. Ask question that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about
themselves and their accomplishments.

Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves
and their wants and problems that are in you and your problems.

TALK IN TERMS OF THE OTHER PERSON’S INTERESTS

Everyone who was ever a guest of Theodore Roosevelt was astonished at the range and diversity of
his knowledge. Whether his visitor was a cowboy or a Rough Rider, a New York politician or a
diplomat, Roosevelt knew what to say. And how was it done? The answer was simple. Whenever
Roosevelt expected a visitor, he sat up late the night before, reading up on the subject in which he
knew his guest was particularly interested.

For Roosevelt knew, as all leaders know, that the royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the
things he or she treasures most.

Talking in terms of the other person’s interests pays off for both parties. Howard Z. Herzig, a leader
in the field of employee communications, has always followed this principle. When asked what
reward he got from it, Mr Herzig responded that he not only received a different reward from each
person but that in general the reward had been an enlargement of his life each time he spoke to
someone.
 6

MAKE THE OTHER PERSON FEEL IMPORTANT – AND DO IT SINCERELY

There is one all-important law of human conduct. If we obey the law, we shall almost never get into
trouble. In fact, that law, if obeyed, will bring us countless friends and constant happiness. But the
very instant we break the law; we shall get into endless trouble. The law is this: Always make the
other person feel important.

John Dewey said that the desire to be important is the deepest urge in human nature; and William
James said; “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”

Little phrase such as “I’m sorry to trouble you,” “Would you be so kind as to ____?” “Won’t you
please?” “Would you mind?” “Thank you” – little courtesies like these oil the cogs of the
monotonous grind of everyday life – and incidentally, they are the hallmark of good breeding.

Frequently those who have the least justification for a feeling of achievement bolster up their egos
by a show of tumult and conceit which is truly nauseating.
 PART THREE
1

THE ONLY WAY TO GET THE BEST OF AN ARGUMENT IS TO AVOID IT

There is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument – and that is to avoid it.
Why? Well, suppose you triumph over the other man and shoot his argument full of holes and prove
that he is non compos mentis. Then what? You will feel fine. But what about him? You have made
him feel inferior. You have hurt his pride. He will resent your triumph. When one yells, the other
should listen – because when two people yell, there is no communication, just noise and bad
vibrations.”

As wise old Ben Franklin used to say: If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a
victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent´s good
will. In an article in Bits and Pieces, some suggestions are made on how to keep a disagreement from
becoming an argument.

1. Welcome the disagreement.

2. Distrust your first instinctive impression.
3. Control your temper.
4. Listen first.
5. Look for areas of agreement.
6. Be honest.
7. Promise to think over your opponents´ ideas and study them carefully.
8. Thank your opponent sincerely for their interest.
9. Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem.

SHOW RESPECT FOR THE PERSON’S OPINIONS. NEVER SAY, “YOU’RE

WRONG.”
Never begin by announcing “I am going to prove so-and-so to you. That’s tantamount to saying: “I’m
smarter than you are. I’m going to tell you a thing or two and make you change your mind.” If you
are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it. Do it subtly, so adroitly, that no one will feel
that you are doing it. That will make them want to strike back. But it will never make them want to
change their minds.

Isn’t it better to begin by saying, “Well, now, look. I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong. I
frequently am. And if I am wrong, I want to be put right. Let’s examine the facts.” You will never get
into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your
opponent to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are. It will make him want to admit
that he, too, may be wrong. In other words, don’t argue with your customer or your spouse or your
adversary. Don’t tell them they are wrong, don’t get them stirred up. Use a little diplomacy.
 3

IF YOU ARE WRONG, ADMIT IT QUICKLY AND EMPHATICALLY

Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes-and most fools do-but it raises one above the herd
and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes.

When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we
are wrong-and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves-let’s admit our
mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm. Not only will that technique produce astonishing results; but,
believe it or not, it is a lot more fun, under the circumstances, than trying to defend oneself.

BEGIN IN A FRIENDLY WAY

If your temper is aroused and you tell them a thing or two, you will have a fine time unloading your
feelings. But what about the other person? Will he share you pleasure? Will your belligerent tones,
your hostile attitude, make it easy for him to agree with you?

“If you come at me with your fists doubled,” said Woodrow Wilson, “I think I can promise you that
mine will double as fast as yours; but if you come to me and say, ‘Let us sit down and take counsel
together, and if we differ from each other, understand why it is that we differ, just what the points
at issue are,’ we will presently find that we are not so far apart after all, that the points on which we
differ are few and the points on which we agree are many, and that if we only have the patience and
the candor and the desire to get together, we will get together.” Lincoln said: “A drop of honey
catches more flies than a gallon of gall.”

GET THE OTHRT PERSON SAYING “YES, YES”IMMEDIATELY

Get the other person saying “Yes, yes” instead of “No.” When you have said “No,” all your pride of
personality demands that you remain consistent with yourself.

A man went to Greenwich Savings Bank, in New York City to open an account but he refused to fill
some required questions in the form. The bank officer, James Eberson would have told that the bank
may refuse to accept his account if he refused to give the bank the required information. But that
sort of attitude certainly didn’t give a feeling of welcome and importance to the man.

“However,” he said, “suppose you have money in this bank transfer it to your next of kin, who is
entitled to it according to law?” “Yes, of course,” the man replied. James continued, “Don’t you think
that it would be a good idea to give us the name of your next of kin so that, in the event of your
death, we could carry out your wishes without error or delay?”

Again he said, “Yes.” The man’s attitude softened and changed when he realized that we weren’t
asking for this information for the sake of the bank but for his own sake. It is found out that by
getting him to say ‘yes, yes’ from the outset, he forgot the issue at stake and was happy to do all the
things suggested by James.

“Socratic method was based upon getting a “yes, yes” response. He asked questions with which his
opponent would have to agree. He kept on asking questions until finally, almost without realizing it,
his opponents found themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few
minutes previously.