Working Paper Series

Working Paper Series

Work In Progress

Women and Anger: Cultural

Prohibitions and the
Feminine Ideal

Teresa Bernardez M.D.

Jean Baker Miller Training Institute (1987) Paper No.31

at the Wellesley Centers for Women
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Womjen and Anger -

Cultural Prohibitions
and the Feminine Ideal
Teresa Bemardez, M.D.
About the Author
Teresa Bemaldez. M.D. is Professor of
WOITMtn's expressk>n of anger is usuaRy
Psychiatry at the College of Human Medk:ine,
thwarted, inhDtecl, ordlverted in our aJlture.
Michigan State University and member of the
This phenclmenon ~ires the charaC1er Of a aJIturaJ
Committee on Women of the Amert;an Psychiatric
prohbitk>n when we reaJlze U1at this culture has
Msociation. This paper was presented at the Harvard
taken as -r1laturar the view that women's anger Is a
Medical SchooVCa~ridge HospHa/-Stone Center
destrudJve enX)tbn. It is rot i1 keeping w.h the
course ~Leaming from Women: Theory and Practk::8-
feninine kjeaL Claims fi bk>k>glcal or social
on April 25, 1987.
i"1>erativ~~ strongly reinforce these nomE making

Abstract them ~ ~M of thI! ~ .Religbus and medIcal

Women's problems with the expression of anger /bblogicalljida arEt then ~ght in to reinforce the
are traceable to cultura/ prohibitions which prohbition~~, to lend power and authority to ttJs

e~asize as kJeal, a feminine prototyPe dBvokJof aJItural tjas, aro tl) marKfate conformity.

~er or agressivenBss and characterized by To u~:te~j the im~l0~ that prevem

self18ssness am service to others. Our a.llture's rebeHOOs cK:ts, wel need to berorne aware that

temerK::y to confuse anger with vio18fJC8,o~ession, women's behavior is urder strong am okj

or other destructive uses of this bask; e"'K>tKJn injJrdlons. Given women's capacity to bear and

inhibits I4Omen from expressing anger on their oorture life 800 their socialization nto the

behalf when appropriate and healthy. These nX)therirVJ I~e, thEt inhib.ons of aggression in

inhibitions in women interact symbioticaHy with women apj)8ar to tIe protective of the helpless infant,

socialized characteristics of men in the wmasculine that is. the:,/ would appear in this context to be

idear of toughness, aggressiveness am detachment biological~' and SO4:ially adaptive. Rich (1976),

from tender emotKJnality leading to gender role Chodorow ( 1978) arxj others have helped us to

behavior that is dysfunctional and socially dangerous. separate this social role from women's bological

(C) 1987 Bernardez,T

 erx:lowment. When, tK>Wever,these inhi)itions women are irlhibitedcontinuously from such
generalize to other contexts and defy rational expressions, and denigrated if they make them.
purposes, we need to k>okfor other determinants. Responsible for these differences. the feminine
These determinants keep the expression of anger ideal, based on irratbnal expectations about
urder strict rontrol. The factors important to keep nX>thers. reirlforces this state of affairs. AM both
in mirx:l are: 1) the social position of women as women and rnen OOkjthese irrational expectations
subordinates, 2) the social need to maintain women about RX)thel'Sintens.ely.
in service tasks and 3) the role of the 'eminine If we pay attention to the stereotype of the kjeal
idear which in its ronstruction, maintains OOth nX>ther, we see it asdevokf of aggressiveness. Love
subordination and service/caretaking intact. and benevolEI~e arelto be sOOweredonto others
The injunctk>ns against the expressk>n of anger witOOutcol\C4~mfor self-aims. Inthe idealized
in women are not restricted to this culture, txJt nX>therimag~!, the SE!lflesscreature wOOneeds
neither are they fourd in all societies in the same nothing and li~es of her givir'WJ
all to others is never
way. In our society, these prohibitk>ns are for the rejecting or ui~ind-aln actual reprint of the
most part unoonscious, preventing women from omn~tent f~Jure of infancy .In oor farrtasized
co~ining openly, taking assertive action, ard desires. that gr~k>se, rIJrturing, always loving,
expressing protest on their own behalf. These always e~thic figure is necessary to relieve oor
prohibitions are stre~hened by irrational fears of pain. ChOOOrowand Contratto (1982) have noted ~
women's destructive power, fears acquired in this perfect mother is expected potentiaUy of ai
infancy (Bemardez, 1978). We take in these women. D. Dinnerstein (1976) has commented on
inhibitions early in the process of our socializatbn, the role I pla}'S in heterosexual arrangements.
at home and at sc~l, where the expression of anger, In star1<contrast, the other RX)ther, (the one
negative feelirKJs, a 00 aggressive action are wOOis desertled, UnS1LJ~rted, depressed am angry)
disrouraged as "unfeminine". The equation of anger the vengeful, malignarn stereotype is the other side of
with solely destructive emotions in our Qllture the coin. WhEma wo/nan behaves in anything less
further discourages the freedom necessary to discr1. than a totally I~mpathic, non-aggressive, other-
minate between aggressive-destructive and assertive. serving manner, this negative stereotype is aroused.
constructive anger as well as a whole range of 80- Acrording to this set (If irrational notk>ns, because
called negative behaviors, including valid critk:ism. power resid~; in this image, all ~men are
Kaplan (1979), Lemer(1980), af"KjMiller powerful, regardless of their actual circumstarK:es
(1983), have Kjentified these gender-specifK: in life, their poverty, vCtimizatbnorsubordina-

prohibitions, and note that men are alk>wed and tion. And that power, sioce it is terrifying , is to be

eocouraged to express negative emotions more freely-- restrained ancj controlled. The sexual ~ reproduc-
in fact often in disregard of other's welfare--while tive power of '¥omen mixed with the magK;aVinfemal

2 Work in Progress
powerof roothersdaates that thei' submissiveness alke ror equal. We have approached a psychok>gy of
be ~red a00 for that ~rJXJseall traces of anger humans 1!roma perspedlve of denial. Alhough It Is
m.Jstbe w~ oot (BemarOez,1982). Women are true that 'Ne are bask'.ally m.ICh rrK)te alike than
to collaboratein this notk>nby wantflg to be ck>ser dissimilal' .psycOOk>gicaltheories have been
aro ck>serto this .'eminine idear . regu latecl by the desire not to see or deal with

lnequalit)r, nor with the part~larsocial

On the sociology of anger drcumstances res~nsible for. (Bemardez-

Sociologist Lyman in his paper -On Rage ~ Bonesatti, 1976) .In fad. we are different aOO

Political Men'M)ries~(1979) examines the way in unequal In social roOOitions. We are reared arid

which collective repression of painful polt~1 rordioned in very different ways and we have

men'M)riesprevents vk:tms from speaking aOOut unequal cldvamges. We are thus -persons with

their injuries. The victims fiOOthemselves different Injurglons, ~hi)jtions and introjec-

-speechless,~ unable to forget a 00 unable to leam tk>ns- (8EtrnaJtiez, 1979) and some of these are

from the past. Whether the past that needs to be so romron and prevalent In our cutture that I

forgotten is VIetnam. Fre~h ooDaboratk>nwring suggest tlhey merit the term Rsocial irtIOjedsR to

Workt War II or Nazi geoocide. Lyman contends that differenticde them from tOOsem)re discretely

rage is fuOOamental to claim the realIty of a past of specifICtC. apartk:ularfamily. Thats, women arid

oppressk)n arK:lto proceed to lberatk>n. He calls rage men havEIdfferent social Introjects. In men, for

an ~esse~ial politk:al enX>tk>n~.In tE paper he insta008, the ~hi)I:k)ns aboot crying (expressing

presents as an exa~ of the It>erating pote'.laJ cA grief overtly) fonn part cAths ~Iex social

arWJerthe People's Republic of chna's early poi~es introject.

of ~speak bittemess~ and of ~struggJemeetings~ to ~Irls a diterent erTK)tk>nfor men am WOfMn.

transfer private anger into oollective anger. Until Miller (1983) OOservesthis i~rtart reality: men

the truth about what hawened in V181namcoukj be and wo~n are i1 two furxiame~ally differe'. groops

disclosed. n'M)stveterans of that war coukj only while Irt:jnlately related and inked; men are the

express their anger chaotically am self-destruc- domi1alt gro~ arxi ~men are the subordinate group

tlvely , as if it were their own problem, an "illness~ in our SOCiety.n'Us social reality is to be k~

a~uired in the war. ronstantl)' in miOOeven when women may be

Similar forces have ke~ us from acknowledgirWJ OOminanlln specifIC private ~sehokm.

~men.s difficult and une<JJalk>tin the privacy of MUler li~s the --n of anger to the

our consuning off~es. That is. we take the anger as socK>logyof ~ression. The political forces that

a private, personal statement. as if the women don't keep SUtxlrdnates OOwnare charCK.1erizedby ths

share a collective experie~e very different than that very constant element of forbi<Xjing anger. SltX>roi-

of men. But the truth is that women arK:lmen are not nates are labeled "bacr names if they express anger

Women arxj Anger -Cu~ural ProhibitK>ns and the Feminine Ideal 3

(C) 1987 Bernardez,T

arK! this is a metrod dominants use successfully of the most ut)iqultous "sy~tom" of women today:

to keep suOOrdinates under control. Dominants depression. :5eI-hatred and !X)werlessnEIss are two

designate, create, and i.Jdge social reality in . major sociall)'-leamed factors that contribute to the

accordance with their needs and thus maintain their inner experience of depressk>n. Further, the

dominance by preventing overt rebellion and change. situation is cclmJX>undedif this experienCEIis labeled

These actions (rebellion and change) are empowered as a "symptom" of an illness-because unless we

and enacted by anger. Furthe~re, anger has the make explicIt that social oondltioning is in great
,
effect of permitting the internal "reading" of the measure reSJ>Onsibleforthis atte~ at a(japtation to

grievances the person feels s/he has suffered. This the kjeal of "f4~mininityI" we are making the victim

element of anger is also threatening and makes anger res~.nsible for her oonditbn of incapa~' or

doubly prohibited in groups that are ke~ under dysfunction. In other words, we are aUresponsible

conditions of inequality (Bemardez, 1979). for reinforc~~ a state of patrogen~ adap1:ationto

The labels dominants ascOOeto subordinates to social oondit.ons of owressbn in'M)men if we do not

keep them under control vary depending on the make explicit the existence of such a set of oonditk)ns

prominence, respect and/or po~larity of those and make it J:ossible for the individual to a~uire a

systems that delineate proper behavior. Miller croice about it-the choice to defy a~ie:scence to

1983) points out how in our culture medical- this order .

psychiatric terminok>gy has provkjed modem labels Socbl0(pst Peter Lyman (1979) in reviewi~

that have kept anger as a pathological emotion in Freud's dass.ic Dora case calls attentbn 1:0this kind

~men. In psychoanalytk: parlance the term of misnamin(~ and oonsiders it aucial in explaining

"castrating- has been used to derogate a 00 to attempt Freud's failurew~h her. Lyman sees Doria as a case

control of angry behavior in ~men. Intimidation, study H1"siler'ICedrage". As you may reccln, Freud

thus, is one of the major ways in whk:h domination beUeved, akJtngwith Dora, that her father treated

is kept In force by convincing women that if they feel her as a seXUlalcomnX)dity .Yet, Freud t:)kes the

anger, bitterness, and resentment this is a s'IJn of problem to bE!not her expbitatbn and heir right to

their inferiority, sid<ness. lad< of virtue or lad< of res!X)nd with rage txJt her use of phys~ s~orns

femininity , no1the result of their unequal status. to "speak" her rage, her 11ysteria" .Lyman oontends

I would like to stress row these injunctk>ns, if that 11ysteria" is a repressive designationl when used

obeyed and forgotten, transform the experience of as evkjeoce of instability or irrationality, rlather

anger in women from one of "response to injustk:e-, than as a reponse to an unjust situation. "rhe victim-

"self-preservatk>n-, -reactk>n to protect from patient is de~lied the legitimation of her (X)lmPlaint,

invask>n or harm- (that is, a variety of healthy the experien<:e of rightful anger aro therefore she is

responses in defense of the self) into one of hatred or denied the eJrplicit condemnatkJn of those in power .

hatefulness. Anger silenced contributes to the making Thus, she resorts to oovert roOOemnation accom-

4 Work in Progress
 panied by self-punishment for the presence of the stereotype: if they complain they shouki sourxi
hatefulnesss along with expiation through illness bad. the]f should sourxi irratk>nal, they should souOO
arx:tsuffering. u~enen)IJs and sid<. How are we to understand this?
Women are particularly vulnerable to the threat That haplPens, 1suggest, because we berome
of abanOOnment, isolation and disoonnection. In accofr1>lices in our own brairmashi~1 aOOwe feel
addition, because they are often dependent on helpless to defy the systemic forces tt1at entrap us.
relationships with men for their livelihood, their This anger is vastJy different in its effects than the
direction arx:t identity , their status and safety in the al'WJerthalt liberates. This a~er is cbse r to what
world, women experience great fear at the threat of Lyman, using Nietzche's term, calls /i9SSentiment,
the dissolution of such relationships. Many women the self-destructlve righteousness eXJ)8rierK:ed "by
struggle desperately to preserve relatk>ns with men the owre'ssed who are silenced by pcllitics-.
that are clearty destructive. Even when abanck>ned The ,aroerthat Imrates B the co,nsck>us response
arx:twhen the dread has beoome a reality , the ~man to an awareness of InjJstk:es sufferedl, of k>sses and
still has to deal with fears of being unk>vable, grieVarw::E1Ssustainedarxt is the resun' of breaking
unfeminine arx:t hateful. AltOOughanger may be nX>re away andl defying the inju~n to keEtp sile~ about
available to the woman wOOhas been abandoned, it It,' The ar1lgerthat liberateS involves ~~I-k>ve and
does oot mean that the anger will emerge in a awarene!;s of the res~nsibility of mal(ing d'IOk:es. It

IDeratlng way .Anger may be experienced without is rot concerned with making others suffer but wih
full understaOOing of its origins, its merits or its stopping 1ihe subjed's own suffering. ;It leads to
aims. The fact of victimization, the way the vGim COnnectkJlns with the past, the recovery of painful
has been made to oonaOOratein it arx:tthe in~ries and mem)rie!;, grieving the k>sses, asseEi8ing the
bsses sustained througOOut may oot be oonscious:. oo~licity of the person in her aNn sull>missk>n ~
This reoognition is a rruch larger task, still reconstructing the future.
shrouded in rumerous misoorx:eptions, dishonesties,
and prohDitions. Many women, in fact, persist In
A,nger In relationships of eql~als
expressing anger atX>utoo~te grievarx:es of far In examining the charaQeristk:s of the expres-
lesser in;>artance than the serious injuries they sion of anger that contribute to its heallh-pronX>ting,
have received .This element is also part of the enX>tk>nal vakJe (Bemardez, 1984) WEffind:
pk;ture: the pressures to deny and repress the fact ,. IntegratkJn of anger with kJvirg feelings.
that they are suOOrdinates has been effective. As Ft. When feel/~s of regard and oom:kjeration for the
D. Laing, (1967) who has c!arffied the co~lexway
other are completely dissociated I'rom the
in which whese in~nctions work, has expressed it,
exprEtssion of anger .rather than teR1X"B!Uy
'hey have forgotten that they have forgotten~. In w~3nded, the character of the expression
fact, ~rnen COrT1>1y
with the negative expectatk>ns of

Women and Anger -Cultural ProhitXtDns and the F,9minine Ideal 5

(C) 1987 Bernardez,T
 resembles hatred a 00 it tends to evoke a defensive awareness or from being ooRVTIJn~ted.

response. Irrational or excessive guilt in both mEIn and

women also can lead to the expressic>n of anger

2. Freecbm from desires to injure. put down, as -a defense-.

dominate or take revenge .

These destructive. injurk)us aspects turn the 5. Anger as a vulnerable state.

expression of anger into an attack and, as such, l"he honElst expression of anger is an overt arKi
they also elcit fight-responses. geI'XJinec:x)~nCation. In thls instance, the
person oonveys her/hIs vulnerability cl00 openly .

3. A separation of the anger caused in the present discloses: aOOreveals her/himself .nle effed of
from instarK;es in the past that have not been this disck>Sureis powerful sirK:e theSEtcharac--

consciouslyacknowledged, discharged arK1 teristics (openness and vulnerability and anger)

-rmished". are not often seen together .Aootherpowerful

Frequently the reason why certain angry effect in helpful expressions of anger is the
reactbns are of inawropriate intensity , is that hokJing of the other in respect despite' the
they are repetitions of unexpressed frustrations dsappro'..al of his/her behavior. FolkJ,wingthe
in the past. If it is free from past injuries,
work of the Stone Center group (Miller 1984;
disapJX)intments and unad<oowledged resent-
Surrey 1984; Jordan 1986: Kaplan 1~184;aoo
ments, the argry response has great JX)wer. If I
S'tiver 1983} the difference in this expression of
is urx=ontaminated, it has the capacity to elkit
anger is that it occurs kJ relation with, rather
more JX)sitive acceptance. It cannot be easily
than disconnected from, the other pelrson. But
dismissed.
for anger to be communicated in such a positive
way. it is necessary to have:
4. Freeoom from defensive anger. .A measure of successful development with
Anger may be used as a defense rather than as a knowled~~eof one's own limits. bouncjaries.
basic en'K>tionaJresponse. In these instances, rights am needs and a similar awareness of tOOse
anger is used as a means to protect the self from aspects in the other person.
feelings of loss, lo'9irWJ, thwarted dependeocy or .A modiaJm of self-esteem aOOself.love.
lowered self-esteem in a reflex, stereotypk:al People wOOhave been raised in envilronments

manner. Thjs kind of anger is more frequently that have radically destroyed theirfailh In

encountered in men, wOOseupbringing generally themselves a 00 their self-resped ha\re no

denies them the freer expression of sadness. response to ind'rJnity or to violations clf the set;
they eIther accept these as their due ()f they fIght
disapJX>intmentor fear .In this case the emotion

of anger. ak>ngwith the angry behavior. serves them in a violent and destructive manner that

to keep such forbidden feelings from comirWJinto leads to their further victimizatk)n. Abused

6 Work in Progress
 women a 00 men who become drug addicted or who The threat of force, of tX>dily harm" of

enter into a chronic struggle with the lawI are abarKX>nmerf, of Dss of Dve. when (XJinveyed in the

exarrples of the devastation that abuse arKi expressK>n of afYJer covertly or overtly .resul in

disrespect create and how larj( of awareness owressive sub<iJing. Anger that is pla4::ed at the
contri)utes to the discharge of private, i~tent service of dominatK>n should be called by a different
rage instead of angry I assertive and collective name. It is oot the basic 9m)tion that I am trying to
adk>n. descriJe. It is not solely the existence clf a power

differential which needs to be examine<~ In order to

Anger In a context of power
judge equality txrt the other characteristics as well,
Inequality
The expression of anger can be used to maniPl.llate for instance, the methods by which ~Ier Is resolved

others with less I:x>wer. In a relationship of e(JJals, am the ~es of expressK>n for it. In disputes

the threat to the loss of a relationship is I:x>ssbly an between men and ~men often what is a strength of

irx:entive for change. But in a relatk)nship of l:x>W9r one Is a weakness of the other. Women, for instance,

inequality, when anger is expressed by the person in often are roore able to express verbally the way they

greater I:x>werit can have the effect of intimidatbn. feel about Iwents, persons or interadk:lns. Raised

It, then, serves to keep the less I:x>werfulperson with greater intelpersonal sensitivity and attentIon

doing what the other wants, that is, co~lying aOO to affective states, they have greater ai)ility'am

obeying the powerful person's rules and expectatbns. satisfadjon in the verbaJ expressK>n of 1~rievarx:es

TtIJs, persons in power need to be partiaJIarty o~e they are free to do so. Men are more harKi-

aware of this factor arKf need to subject themselves to capped in thIs area and for the roost pal1 they have

nX>reself-restraint than others. l11ey should been trajned to utilize anger to intimkjate, direct,

especially urKferstand what nX>tivatestheir angry threaten, con1)ete aOO to resort to phy!;k:ai force to

behavior a 00 what its effects will be on those they resolve disputes. On the other harkt t~~y teOO to use

lead. This does not mean that persons in authority rational arguments more sucx:essfully tJ1an women

cannot express a~er when justified but rather that and they may describe what women do as Ri1atjonar

there are iml:x>rtantlimiting factors that shoukj or RemotionalR, out of discomfort with rrore affective

involve them in being nX>reexplicit, nX>retolerant. fr()des of expression. The expression of emotion has

nX>rewilling to receive feedbad<. Parents, teachers, been wro~1y equated with charaderis1:Cs of
therapists, supervisors, and all persons in urK:terdevebped, pr'mitlve aOO u~lislhed people.
positions of domina~e who have some control of By contrast, controlOf sum personal eJ~resslons
others' welfare shoukj have a greater ~identification
has been linked with the character of the aristocratic
with the subordinate~ than other persons in relations
a 00 dignified people. Thafs why put -cX)wns of women
of equality . as "chik:l-IikeR or bad<handed complimEtnts of

Women and Anger -Cultural Prohibitions and the FEIminine Ideal 7

(C) 1987 Bernardez,T

"colorfulness" to black or Hispank:: people are cause indignation and defia~e in the more fully

iOOicationsof the k>wer status that enX>tk)nal aware person.

expressiveness has among OOminantwhites. In a person eWcated to view anger as

destructive and not clearly differentiated from

Situational and Interpersonal hostility, revenge, or violent rage, all ,anger comes

dynamics Influencing the Inhibition to be distrusted a 00 to be censored excessively .The

of anger lad< of awareness prevents the expk>ratlon of this
It is im~rtant to erT1>hasizethat in situations
erootlon to investigate its true origins. The lad< of
that ~ukj normally arouse anger in healthy persons,
training in the expression of anger brings with It a
a ronflict originates when there is arousal of anger on
lad< of awareness of the positive results of Its
the one hand a 00 a simultaneous prohibitbn of its
expressk>n: erT{)OWennent, meased self-respect,

expressk>n (or threats to that effed) on the other. clarity of purpose .It makes the woman an easy target

ThIs kind of situatk>n prevents the dscharge of affed for the person wih a cortrasting devek>pment, often

arD thus the maintenance of self-esteem. Beif'WJ a ma.le with uninhbited discharge of aggressive

treated with disregard for her neecb, Qnoring what energy , witOOut ched< and wl.tX)Ut regard for others.

she says ar.:t expectll'9 automatk: oo~liance are some That Is, the woman who has been trained to dissociate

of the ways in whk:h many women have been disoon- and split off aspects of herself that she sees as

firmed ar.:t Ignored. In the more obvious case of enraged or volent, has a strong predSJX>sitk>n

OOlatIonsI women are in dependent or-tX)stage. towards ert.ering imo ~ associatk>n wih a

positions (Bart and O'Brien, 1985). The nature of man wOO dissociates terxier, vulnerable and caring

the social context automatk;aJ1yincreases the charK:e aspeds of sel aOO wOO ~ars to have apparent

that anger wouk:t rot be expressed openly 1 wouki be freedom In the expressDn of negative elTX)tk)ns. Both

suppressed or expressed iOOirectly.The threats to may have Ini common expel1ences m vkJ,ktru abJse In

the person's security, stabll'iy 1 and self-esteem are chikjhood b1t, as dk;tated by gender ro~ prescrip-

so rT1.Jd1
greater and immedIate than the need to tk>ns, the male becomes himself an atxJser a 00 the

express the errotk>n, that the healthy expressk>n of woman the atxJsed. In both of them the repetition of a

arWJeris irnposshle. The healthy person may still be fr'\lhtful history of childhoOO assault and the repeated

aware of the oontained a~r. partiaJlarly when deseaatlon of the tender and lovifWJ self they had as

aware of the censorship and its Impositions. But k1 children ( as represented most often by the woman) ,

the case of many women, the lad< of awareness of occurs again a 00 again wAh no awareness of the

origins of this hatred and m the rokt geOOer plays In

their social situationI their training aOOsocializa-

tion into a vaim's ~sitk>n le 00 to intemafizing the assiJning the parts to be played.

I rope 1-is clear that the healthy expressk>n of

censorship and overt depression. In this case, the
af'MJ8r in women is the result of a concerted effort to
person basically submits to the situatk>n that wouk:t

8 Work in Progress
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10 Work in Progress