Lesson on Deep Revision

School and Classroom Context

Course Name/Grade Level General English 12
Length of Lesson 85 minutes
Planned Date of Lesson Wednesday, 12 September 2018
Description of setting, My classroom exists within a Culpeper high school with a student
students, curriculum, and population of 1,188. 63.8% identify themselves as White, 18.3%
any other important Hispanic, 12% Black, 3.8% two or more races, 1.9% Asian, and
contextual characteristics 0.3% American Indian. 35.6% of the student body is eligible for
free and reduced lunch. Approximately 5.8% of students have
limited English proficiency and 9.5% have exceptionalities. I
teach an 12th-grade general English class with 26 students. I have
12 boys and 14 girls whose racial demographics are roughly equal
to the distribution of the whole school. One student has an IEP
and one student has a 504. None of my students are English
Language Learners.

12th-grade English is a traditional British Literature course. We

are in the end of our first unit, Anglo-Saxon and Medieval
Literature. Students have read two major texts, Beowulf and Sir
Gawain and the Green Knight and are in the midst of writing a
personal narrative called the “Dragon Slayer” essay in which they
write about an obstacle they’ve faced, how/if they overcame it,
and what they learned about themselves from facing the
challenge.

Two students in the class, one boy and girl, are dating each other,
and they often trade off between who will copy whose work for
the day. Both often sleep during whole-class instruction and
whole-class reading. The male student is often more engaged and
participates more in class when his girlfriend is absent. Students
started with assigned seats but were distracting one another easily,
so I assigned their seats in the second week of school. Most
students stayed sitting next to the people they originally chose to
sit next to but were moved away from other pairs of students who
were distracting them. Behavior and focus has improved since
this change.

Only a handful of students, all boys and one girl, consistently

participate in whole-class conversations and are willing to share
responses. This week, I will be focusing my efforts on bringing
forth more voices by applying some total participation and cold-
calling techniques.

As a whole class, individual students have shown interest in

getting to know me better and developing relationships. As far as
engaging with the content, a few students seem to be “carrying”
the rest of the class as the content is seemingly more accessible to
them. Students generally get along with one another and are
compliant, but not consistently engaged.
Strategy Requirement Satisfied: Writing Instruction

Objectives (UKD format)

SWBAT:
Understand:
1. Students will understand that the writer’s priorities in deep revision are content,
elaboration, organization, and language use.
2. Students will understand that the process of deeply revising a piece of writing is different
from conducting surface revisions or edits.

Know:
3. Students will know different methods for revision, including:
a. writing smaller
b. utilizing open physical space
c. practicing showing and telling
4. Students will know the definition of revision: the process of re-imagining a piece of your
writing in order to improve some aspect of it.

Do:
5. Students will be able to identify specific places of their narratives that will benefit from
deep revision.
6. Students will be able to identify which method for revision will best address the specific
issues they find in their memoirs.
7. Students will be able to revise their writing to improve communication of overarching
themes and ideas.

SOLs:
12.6 The student will write in a variety of forms to include persuasive/argumentative reflective,
interpretive, and analytic with an emphasis on persuasion/argumentation.
a. Apply components of a recursive writing process for multiple purposes to create a
focused, organized, and coherent piece of writing to address a specific audience
and purpose.
g. Revise writing for clarity of content, depth of information, and technique of
presentation.

CCSSs:
CCSS.ELA-LITERACY.W.11-12.5
Develop and strengthen writing as needed by planning, revising, editing, rewriting, or trying a
new approach, focusing on addressing what is most significant for a specific purpose and
audience.

Methods of Assessment
Diagnostic Formative Summative
Title of assessment tool: Title of assessment tool: Title of assessment tool:
Dragon Slayer Pre-Writing Dragon Slayer Revisions Dragon Slayer Essay
and Planning
 Students will show their Students will ultimately be
Criteria: progress toward revising their assessed at the end of class
 Describe the obstacle own writing and implementing today on their understanding of
 How has the obstacle one of the three strategies the revision process with
affected you? discussed in today’s lesson regard to their own narratives
 How have you tried to by applying a revision strategy
overcome the Criteria: I will evaluate to their drafts and crafting a
obstacle? whether the student has made final product based on those
 What have you progress in the writing process revisions
learned about yourself since their first draft, whether
from this experience? the student is in the mindset of Criteria:
revision, and whether the  Students have responded
How data will be used: student is satisfied with his or to the prompt clearly
I will ensure students’ topics her writing. In addition, I’ll  Clear organization
lend themselves to personal evaluate whether the student  Strong examples and
has identified a specific aspect explanation
narrative writing and note
of their writing to revise and  Proper sentence structure
whether any of the above
that they’ve chosen an  Usage & mechanics
questions were particularly
difficult for students to appropriate method through
which to continue the revision How data will be used:
elaborate on.
process. I will use the data not only to
assess whether the students
How students will receive
How data will be used: have met the learning goals but
feedback:
I will give brief written I will use the data collected to also to inform a future mini-
feedback to students noting discern how far along students lesson describing how to
whether their topic is are in the revision process and present these drafts in a college
sufficient and if there’s a whether they need any specific application or job application.
remediation to support their Since the drafts are specifically
specific area where they need
understandings. I will be able about obstacles they’ve faced, I
to elaborate.
to more precisely structure will also use the contents of
future lesson based on how their writing to help
Objectives:
students are progressing and differentiate by
[SOL 12.6.a; CCSS.ELA-
where they need additional interest/experience in the future
LITERACY.W.11-12.5]
scaffolding. and to help continue building
relationships with students.
How students will receive
feedback: How students will receive
Students will receive feedback:
extensive written feedback I will write brief comments on
about the contents of their their final drafts; the bulk of
drafts and my suggestions for my feedback was on earlier
deep revision. drafts.

Objectives: Objectives:
[U1; U2; U3; U4; D5; D6; D7; SOL [U1; U2; U3; U4; D5; D6; D7; SOL
12.6.a; SOL 12.6.g; CCSS.ELA- 12.6.a; SOL 12.6.g; CCSS.ELA-
LITERACY.W.11-12.5] LITERACY.W.11-12.5]

Procedures/Instructional Strategies
Each step should have bolded heading that identifies the activity, and then is followed by the
teacher scripting, student and teacher actions, and a description of the activity.
[Note: Any words that represent what I would say directly to students appear in italics.]
Beginning Room Arrangement:
[Changes in this arrangement that become necessary later will be noted in the plan]

Students sit at small, two-person tables arranged into different “chunks” throughout the room.
One row of tables lines the center of the room and faces the front; one row lines the left side of
the room and faces the center; and one row lines the right side of the room and faces the center.
There are white boards on the front and left walls with a Promethean board in the center of the
white boards at the front. Our agenda for the day is written on the front white board.

1. [11:20-11:27] Welcome/greeting/announcements

Display Google Slideshow [Appendix A] Slide 242

As students walk in the room, I’ll greet each one by name, check in with various kids, take
makeup work to students, and direct the group to read and follow the directions on the board.

Hi, everyone! Can I have your attention up here please? Please take a seat and stop talking.
Welcome to third block. Thanks to those who’ve followed the directions on the board. At this
point, you should have your notebook, a Chromebook that you have set aside and not turned on,
and a notes sheet called “Deep Revision Notes” [Appendix B]. I know that everyone is coming
from lunch and sometimes it’s hard to settle in, so please take the first two minutes to get settled.
Take out the things that you need, get yourself organized, and read step two on the board. After
these two minutes of “settling” and chatting, I expect that y’all will be ready focus and work
hard for the next hour and half.

[As students are taking their two minutes, I will pass back graded work and take attendance]

2. [11:27-11:40] Bridge and/or Hook to lesson

Display Slide 243.

Alright, hopefully everyone feels ready to begin. Please take a seat if you’re not there and open
your notebook to a blank page to complete your warm-up. For your warm-up, I want you to
consider the process you went through to write your Dragon Slayer rough drafts. In your
opinion, what was the most difficult aspect in writing this first draft? So—many of you may have
thought really hard about your drafts. Maybe you spent a few hours working on it to try to nail
every detail. I also know that some of you left yourself about 15 minutes to write your first drafts.
How did your approach work out for you? Next, I’d like you to consider how you think the
process of writing can help us develop our thinking. So—did you find that you were able to
understand the obstacle you wrote about in a different way because you wrote down your
thoughts?

Remember that we’ve been working on hearing different voices in class, so I’m going to have
you all share your responses with the person behind/in front of you and then I’ll pick on
somebody randomly to share what you all discussed. Go ahead and take the next few minutes to
respond to the prompt.
[As students work, I’ll continue passing back graded work and finish attendance. I’ll also
encourage students to write for the whole time they’re given, reminding them that they’ll have to
share their responses with one another, and maybe with the whole class, as we’ve been having
some problems with writing stamina.]
Go ahead and find a stopping point in your writing. At this point, please turn to the person in
front of or behind you (I’ll identify which students should turn around) and take the next two or
three minutes to share what you wrote. In about three minutes I’ll call on somebody to share
what you all discussed. Be sure to comment on that last question up on the slide as well.

[I am going to walk around and eavesdrop on groups, redirecting behavior and conversations if
necessary. I will also ask guiding questions to students who seem to have nothing to say: Why
don’t you start by reading what you wrote down to your partner? / How long did it take you to
write the first draft? / Did you have any epiphanies or come to any new understandings about
your obstacle by writing about it?]

Go ahead and wrap up your conversations, and we’ll move into our whole-class conversation.

[I will have a ring with students’ name cards—I’ll flip to a random card and call on that student
to share what they talked about in their group. If students say “I don’t know” or “we didn’t talk
about anything,” I give everyone another 30 seconds to talk and tell that student that I’m calling
on them again, so to make sure they’re ready this time. I’ll call on up to three students to share.
After each student shares, I might ask “Did anyone else experience the same thing?” or “Did
someone have a different experience?”]

Great! Thank you all for sharing. I think it’s really important to reflect on the processes we go
through to accomplish our work so that we can better understand what works for us and for our
peers and what doesn’t work. Also—I think it’s really important that we, as a class, become
comfortable talking with each other and participating in whole-class conversations because
these are the things that you’ll be asked to do in your college and professional lives, so it’s really
important that we start priming ourselves for that now while we’re in a safe, low-pressure
environment.

3. [11:40-12:10] Lesson on Revision

Display Slide 244

Okay—we’re going to transition into note-taking on the process of revision. So go ahead and
close your notebooks and set them aside and take out your “Deep Revision Notes” sheets. Since
I’ll be directly teaching and you’re responsible for taking notes, please take out both headphones
from your ears and either flip phones so they’re screens-down or put them away completely.

Today we’re going to be talking about revision—what it is, why it’s important, and some
strategies for doing it. Evidently, there are often mixed feelings about the revision process. Most
people who do it correctly think that it’s really challenging for a variety of reasons. I find
revision so difficult because it’s hard for me to reimagine the language on my page when the
paper is already filled with words. I really struggle with creating new ways to fill up and what’s
already there. Others struggle with organization and decisions regarding restructuring their
writing.

So, in a few words, who can tell me what revision really is? Can you raise your hand and break
down the word for us?

[Call on someone to volunteer. I’m looking for something resembling, “The process of recreating
a draft of your own writing.” If they’re not responding or not getting the right idea, I’ll ask some
guiding questions, such as What does the prefix ‘re’ mean? / What is vision? / What does it mean
to “see again” in your writing?]
Great idea. I really like the way that you explained that concisely and clearly. Let’s start note-
taking on your handout. The answers to the questions on the left column will appear in order.
Please write your answers to the prompts in the right-hand column and feel free to add any
personal notes in the margins as thoughts arise. This handout is for you to keep, but I expect you
to be recording the information as we discuss.

Display Slide 245. So—as we’ve pretty much established already, revision is the process of
reimagining a piece of your writing in order to improve some aspect of it. Some scholars
understand revision as freeing since it allows you to recreate and re-envision a piece of writing
in a new way rather than being stuck to one representation of it. Please take a minute to copy the
first bullet-point down in your notes.

Display Slide 246. When we talk about revision, we’ll discuss two different kinds: deep and
surface revision. Today you’re going to do some deep revision to your rough drafts, but we’ll
talk about the meaning of both kinds.

Now, without knowing more about these different kinds of revision, can someone raise your hand
and tell me what you think “surface revision” might mean? What aspects of our writing occur
“on the surface”? [Wait for someone to raise their hand and answer—I’m looking for them to
say something about the grammar, spelling, etc. If they’re not getting it, I’ll just tell them.]

Display Slide 247. Surface revision involves making changes to individual words, phrases, and
sentences. During surface revision, you might edit your grammar and spelling. It’s best to make
these kinds of changes later in the writing process. Go ahead and make sure you have the notes
from this slide copied down.

Display Slide 248.

Now, today we’re going to focus on deep revision, which involves a few priorities that are
different from those of surface revision. In deep revision, we want to focus on our content,
elaboration of different details, including characters or scenes, the organization (general and
specific) of our piece, and the language use. So if I wrote my Dragon Slayer essay on moving to
a different state and the tone came across as really excited, but I want to change the tone to a
more somber one—that would be a deep revision. Changing something like tone of the entire
piece takes a lot of work.

Display Slide 249. Here’s a list of some of the priorities we have during deep revision. Again,
we want to focus on things like content, elaboration, organization, and language use. What
questions do you have about these priorities and why we have them listed here? [Wait time] Take
a minute to copy these notes.

Display Slide 250. If you need another minute to copy notes, here is a summary of everything
we’ve just seen.

Now, I want you to think for a minute on which kind of revision is probably more difficult or
time-consuming to do to your work? Can you raise your hand and tell me what you think? [Wait
for someone to raise their hand and respond. Hopefully the volunteer will say deep revision is
more difficult; I’ll ask them why/to elaborate. They’ll hopefully touch on the idea that deep
revision affects the integrity and essence of a piece while surface revision only impacts the
aesthetics and superficial details. If they don’t touch on this right away, we’ll come back to it
when we discuss some examples of deep and surface revisions in Slide 251.]

Great. While each of these types of revision has its own challenges, surface revision is generally
less intensive and time-consuming than deep revision.

I’ve noted that surface revision is better left to the end of the writing process while deep revision
should occur early (and often). Why do you think this is? Can you raise your hand to let me
know? [Hopefully, they’ll mention how it would be a shame to have a beautifully edited and
punctuated final draft printed out before the due date only to realize that you want to rewrite it
from a different character’s point of view. If they don’t, I’ll propose this very example to them.]

Display Slide 251. Let’s look at an example of personal narrative writing that’s been revised.
This is a piece of writing that I did about the semester I took off of college. On the left is my first
draft and on the right is my second. I’ll read the first draft. “On the Salmon River in Idaho, we
got to jump off of a lot of rocks, which my teammates really enjoyed. I, on the other hand, was
really scared by the idea of hurtling my body off of an exposed rock that jutted out thirty feet
above a deep river. But the rock jumps kept appearing in our itinerary, and I kept watching my
friends leap.” Now, I’ll read my second draft, and I want you to notice where the changes occur
and what kind of changes they are. “When our journey brought us to the Salmon, things started
getting rocky. The Idaho wilderness brought with it canyons that loomed above deep water: an
arrangement that begged passersby to jump. My teammates thrived with the prospect, and they
leapt from the jagged heights with abandon. I, on the other hand, felt my heart-rate rise just by
glancing at an exposed rock that jutted out thirty feet above the cold river. Despite my aversions,
the rocks kept appearing, and I kept watching my friends leap.” So let’s discuss what about this
second draft has been adjusted via a surface revision and what’s been adjusted using deep
revision. I’m going to highlight surface revisions in green and deep revisions in yellow. Okay,
who can help me figure this out?

Have a brief discussion where students tell me which sentences to highlight in which color and
why. [Surface: change “scared by the idea of hurtling my body off of an exposed rock…” to “felt
my heart-rate rise just by glancing at an exposed rock…” ; changed “But the rock jumps kept
appearing…” to “Despite my aversions, the rocks kept appearing…” Deep: changed introduction
to ease into the scene, rather than dropping readers in abruptly; added imagery about the scene]

Display slide 252.

Okay, excellent job sifting out the details behind these changes. Now, we’re going to discuss
some methods for revision that will be helpful for all of you. Each of these three methods is one
approach to conducting a revision. I want you to be thinking of your own draft as we talk about
these strategies because in class today, you will use one of these strategies to improve your
writing.

Display slide 253.

The first method is called “writing smaller.” Writing smaller means focusing on and
illuminating something small in the story as a means of helping the reader understand the big
picture. If your idea is really vague or “big” (e.g., a summer trip to Disney World), this is a
good strategy for you because it makes your idea more specific and more interesting for the
reader. The chart displayed here is a helpful tool for reimagining your piece of writing by
“writing smaller.” Watch how this student’s idea gets narrowed down from something vague
and a little boring to something unexpected and interesting. We start at a “summer trip to
Disney World,” and move to a “car ride to the park with siblings,” during which your “sister
sang an annoying song,” which “got stuck in your head,” and then—the smallest idea—the song
actually became like a theme song for your day. If you feel like the topic of your draft is too big,
try to write smaller.

What questions do you have about writing smaller? [Wait time] Make sure you have these notes
copied.

Display Slide 254.

The next method is called “open physical space.” I would benefit from this one since I struggle a
lot with feeling like my page is already too full, and I can’t mentally create space for new ideas.
So if your page already seems “too crowded” and it’s becoming a barrier for revision, this is a
good strategy for you to try. The open physical space method involves finding a spot where it
feels like there could be more text and fleshing it out on a new piece of paper, an open physical
space. Does this make sense to you? [Wait time] What questions do you have about open
physical space?

Display slide 255.

The last method we’ll cover today is called “show don’t tell.” If you’ve read the comments I left
on your rough draft yet, some of you may have noticed that I told you to “show the audience
what happened here instead of telling them.” I’m about to explain what I meant by that. This
method is good for you if you want to focus on the balance of your story between description and
action. Good writing usually involves a combination of showing and telling, and it’s useful in
revision for writers to note where they’ve shown and where they’ve told.

Display Slide 256. Let’s look at an example. Look at the example on the top. My mom went on
and on and on about what an ungrateful child I was after she ran over my bike that I left lying in
the driveway. Let’s look at the example below. The second my mom opened her mouth, it began:
“I thought I told you a thousand times not to leave your bike laying out in the driveway because
it would get run over someday, and now look! It got ran over! I work so hard to give you the
things you want, and you just treat them like garbage and…” What is the top example—showing
or telling? [Hopefully students will say “telling.”] Great—so the bottom example is showing.

Display Slide 257. Neither of these is necessarily “better” than the other, but your rough draft
might call for one version over the other, depending on the context of the piece. If you want to
really think through the kind of language you’re using to represent one of your scenes, this
would be a good focus for you. What questions do you have about show vs. tell?

Take the next minute to get the rest of the notes copied or get an earlier section that you missed
from your neighbor.

4. [ 12:10-12:20] Re-reading drafts and reading my feedback

Display Slide 258. Alright, if there are no more questions, I’d like your attention for just another
minute while I explain the directions for the next step, and then you’ll be off into your own
independent work with your drafts. I know y’all have been listening to me talk for awhile and I
appreciate your attention. Over the next 12 minutes or so, you need to re-read your draft and
read the feedback that I left for you as a private comment. The comment will look like it’s from
Mrs. McGlinchy but I’ve signed it “Ms. Hill” because it’s from me. As you read your drafts and
my feedback, I want you to consider something specific that you’re going to work on as you
revise today. Do you want to add dialogue to your piece? Do you want to expand the details in a
particular scene? Remember that today is not the time for surface revisions, so I don’t want you
to choose “misspelled words” as your specific aspect that you’ll revise. Once you’ve decided on
an aspect to revise, I want you to choose one revision strategy that we learned about today—
writing smaller, open physical space, or show vs. tell—to apply to your writing. As you’re
reading feedback, I’m going to pass out a handout called “Revision Reflection Log” and when
you’ve done all the thinking you need to do about revision, I want you to answer questions 1-3
on this handout. What questions do you have about what I’m asking you to do?

Okay—since you’ve been sitting and listening for so long, why don’t you take a minute to stand
up and touch all four walls of the room. I’ll ask you to sit back down and begin working in about
two minutes. Remember that the directions that I just told you are up on the board, so please
read them before you ask me for a reminder.

[As students take a break, I’ll pass out their Revision Reflection Longs (Appendix F)]

Okay, go ahead and take your seats and begin the work that’s outlined for you on the slide.

[While students are working, I’ll lay out the different handouts that students will need for the
next step: Write Smaller (Appendix C); Open Physical Space (blank paper); and Show and Tell
(Appendices D and E). I’ll place sticky notes above each stack of handouts identifying which
papers are for which strategy.]

5. [12:20-12:38] Individual Revision using a specific strategy

Display Slide 259. Okay, finish up your reading. You will now begin actually revising your
drafts using the specific strategy that you identified on question 3 of your “Revision Reflection
Log.” I’ve laid out the materials that you need for each strategy. In a minute when I say go,
please come up to the front table and take the handout or handouts that you’ll need to work with
your specific strategy. Each resource is unique to a different revision method. The stacks of
resources are labeled with sticky notes. For “Write Smaller,” there is a handout that will help
you narrow down your idea, like the one we looked at on the example with the song at Disney
World. For Open Physical Space, I’ve provided plenty of extra paper so that you can access
plenty of physical space to add new ideas to your writing. And for Show vs. Tell, there are lists of
good verbs that can help you enhance your language for action and a handout where you can
practice identifying language that shows vs. tells.

You’re going to take the next 20 minutes or so to revise. I’ll be coming around to check in with
each of you and see how you’re doing. This is a silent and independent activity, so I shouldn’t
hear talking during the next 20 minutes. You’re always welcome to listen to music during
independent work. What questions do you have about what I’m asking you to do right now?

[As students work, I will walk around to each of them and make notes on my Revision
Conference Form (Appendix G) for each individual student. Since we don’t have time for a
formal conference, I won’t evaluate every characteristic listed on my form, but I’ll prioritize
writing which strategy the student chose and their goal/next steps for revision. I will also be
checking in to evaluate whether the student is in the mindset of revision as many don’t seem to
think they need it.]

6. [ 12:40-12:45] Closure
Display Slide 260. Alright, everyone please find a good stopping point and take out the Revision
Reflection Log that I handed you earlier in class. You’ve already responded to questions 1-3.
Take the last six minutes of class to complete the handout, noting your goal for looking ahead.
This handout is your exit ticket, so make sure you turn it into the black basket before you leave.
[Wait about three minutes]

Display Slide 261. Hopefully you found today’s revision time helpful and you learned a little
more about the writing process. Your homework is to continue revising—your revised drafts are
due this Friday by 11:59pm. Have a great rest of your day!

Differentiated Instruction to accommodate one or more of my profiled students:

(This is where you identify specific aspects of this lesson which have been differentiated in order
to address the needs of one or more of your profiled students—identify them by name)

I’ve scaffolded several parts of this lesson to meet the needs of all of the diverse students in my
class. For example, the notes sheet that I created (Appendix B) is structured enough, with
guiding questions and space for writing. This will be good for students like CM and KG who
thrive in as much structure as possible, and for students like SW and JM who need the notes
sheet in front of them to maintain their focus and set a purpose for listening. With that in mind,
there is not too much restriction on the notes sheet so that students like WS, who seemingly
enjoys the exploratory process of education, are not stifled by the structure.

I’ve created a lesson with many brief, distinct sections to invite breaks so that students can step
out of the classroom or take a trip to the restroom without missing too much important
instruction.

Further, I’ve provided space for independent work time to address the wide array of needs and
skill levels of the classroom. The time allotted for independent work creates flexibility so that I
can provide unique scaffolding for students as the opportunities or challenge areas present
themselves. This time facilitates precise, individualized instruction so that students are working
in their ZPDs.

Materials Needed (list):

- Projector - Chromebooks
- Computer - Appendices (listed below)
- Sticky notes

Materials Appendix: (e.g., supplementary texts, Ppts, overheads, graphic organizers,

handouts, etc.)

Appendix A: Google Slideshow – slides Appendix E: Good Verbs for Practicing

242-261 Showing
Appendix B: Deep Revision Notes Sheet Appendix F: Revision Reflection Log
Appendix C: Write Smaller Handout
Appendix D: Show Don’t Tell handout Appendix G: Conference Form
Appendix B

Name: ______________________
Deep Revision: Notes

Define “revision”

To which aspects of our

writing do we make changes
during surface revision?

When during the writing

process are surface revisions
most beneficial? Why?

To which aspects of our

writing do we make changes
during deep revision?

When during the writing

process are deep revisions
most beneficial? Why?

What are our priorities during

deep revision?

Methods for Revision…

Describe “writing smaller” and
its purpose:

Describe “open physical space”

and its purpose:

Describe “show vs. tell” and its

purpose:
Appendix C

Name: ___________________________ Block: ______

WRITE
SMALLER
Directions: Write your big idea/obstacle in the top box of the funnel. Narrow down your idea
as you jump down each “level” until you have a more fine-tuned, interesting topic.
Appendix D
List of Good Verbs for Practicing “Showing”

achieve conclude establish influence realize

address conduct estimate interpret recognize
adopt confirm evaluate introduce recommend
analyze consider evaluate investigate record
apply construct examine justify reveal
argue convince explain measure review
assess correlate explore monitor revise
assume deal with extend note show
attempt define find observe simulate
attest demonstrate focus on obtain solve
calculate describe formulate overcome state
categorize design generate perform study
choose detect identify point out substantiate
claim determine illustrate predict suggest
classify develop implement prefer support
collect discover imply present tend to
comp discuss impose produce test
compile elicit improve propose undertake
comprise elucidate incorporate prove use
concentrate on enhance indicate provide utilize
adapt construct expect measure retain
add control expose minimize sample
adjust convert extract modify score
adopt create filter normalize select
allow decrease formulate obtain separate
apply derive generate operate show
arrange design identify optimize simulate
assemble determine immerse position solicit
assess differentiate include prepare stabilize
assume discard incorporate prevent subject to
attach distinguish increase protect substitute
avoid distribute inhibit provide suggest
calculate divide insert qualify summarize
carry out eliminate install quantify test
characterize employ invert record track
collect enable isolate reduce transfer
combine ensure limit regulate treat
complete estimate locate remove utilize
compute exceed maintain repeat validate
consolidate exclude maximize restrict vary
accompany consist of exceed lengthen result from
account for constrain exclude limit reveal
achieve construe expand link seem
affect contradict expect model shorten
anticipate contribute to extend note shrink
appear correlate factor in notice signal
arise from correspond to factor out observe simulate
arrange create find obtain stress
ascribe to define generate occur suggest
assess derive from handle originate in summarize
associate with determine happen outperform suppose
assume develop implement peak suppress
attain discover imply preclude surround
attribute to displace impose present tend to
bring about double include produce trigger
calculate elicit indicate reanalyze triple (treble)
Appendix E

Name: _______________________ Block: ______

Show, Don’t Tell

Current Writing Project / Genre:

When describing a character’s feelings, skillful writers do not just tell the reader how the character feels. They
show the reader by using imagery. Imagery is language that paints a vivid picture in the mind of the reader,
often by appealing to the five senses: sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. In the following examples,
compare the sentences that tell (in bold) us how the character feels with the descriptions that show (in
italics) us how the character feels. Answer the questions that follow each description. Consider how you might
incorporate the techniques used in the examples into your own writing.

1. Joey missed his father.

[Joey] hadn’t seen his father for a long, long time – not since he was in kindergarten. He couldn’t
remember his father’s face very well. But at night, he could still hear him say, “Good night, Joey. I love
you.”

From the description, how do you know that Joey misses his father?
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________

Which of the five senses does the description appeal to?

_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________

2. Alvin hated his grandfather.

Alvin hated the way [his grandfather] was always watching. The slack, distorted mouth, twisted to one
side after last year’s stroke. The thin arms, bulging veins… he couldn’t look at him anymore. He
thought he could smell him though – a waft of stale piss.

From the description, how do you know that Alvin hated his grandfather?
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________

Which of the five senses does the description appeal to?

_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
Here are a few more examples that illustrate the difference between telling and showing how a
character feels or how some event played out.

Do not tell the reader… Show the reader.

The lights suddenly went out. In the darkness,
the wind and rain grew louder and seemed
Joey was afraid. There was a storm. The closer…Joey sat still, his heart beating fast. It
lights went out. made a ‘thump, thump, thump’ noise in his
chest.

Stuart Mead, ‘A Knock at the Door’

“She had moved so quickly, her hand going

back and across in one movement, slapping his
Alvin’s mother was angry. She hit Alvin. It left cheek with a crack that silenced the room.
was very painful. The pain hung hot on his cheek.”

Adrian Tilley, “Victim”

“It seemed a shadow had fallen over him. But

there was no shadow. His heart had given a
Bill was frightened. He thought someone great jump up into his throat and was choking
was behind him. him. Then his blood slowly chilled and he felt
the sweat of his shirt cold against his flesh.”

Jack London, “All Gold Canyon”

Write an example from your draft where you tell more than you show.

Rewrite the example above by showing the reader what the experience/feeling was really like. Appeal to
the senses; focus on the physical body’s response to the emotion/event. Show—don’t tell.
Appendix F

Name: _________________________ Block: ______

Revision Reflection Log

Current Writing Project / Genre:

Directions: Based on the revision you’ve done, please respond to the following questions specifically, with
references to aspects of your own draft when applicable.

1. Which aspect of your writing do you want to focus on / have you been focusing on in class today?

2. Why do you want to revise that aspect of your writing?

3. Which method for deep revision did you choose to work through today?
(circle all that apply)
a. write smaller
b. open physical space
c. show vs. tell

4. How helpful do you feel this revision method is for the specific area that you wanted to improve?
Why?

Looking Ahead: What next steps will you take in the revision of your draft?
Appendix G

Student Name: Block: Date:

Current Writing Project / Genre:

General Criteria
Student has read and considered instructor feedback.

Student is in the mindset for revision and is willing to revisit and change the
draft.
Student is invested in the writing process and is satisfied with his or her
writing. If not satisfied, the student can articulate what they would like to
improve and how to approach revision.
Student has identified a specific aspect of his or her writing to revise.

Student has chosen an appropriate strategy for his or her specific needs.

Student demonstrates adequate application of the strategy and / or can

articulate how to apply the strategy to his or her writing.
Comments: Looking Ahead / Student’s Goal for
Revision:

Student Name: Block: Date:

Current Writing Project / Genre:

General Criteria
Student has read and considered instructor feedback.

Student is in the mindset for revision and is willing to revisit and change the
draft.
Student is invested in the writing process and is satisfied with his or her
writing. If not satisfied, the student can articulate what they would like to
improve and how to approach revision.
Student has identified a specific aspect of his or her writing to revise.

Student has chosen an appropriate strategy for his or her specific needs.

Student demonstrates adequate application of the strategy and / or can

articulate how to apply the strategy to his or her writing.
Comments: Looking Ahead / Student’s Goal for
Revision: