WRITING YOUR OWN PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE

Finding meaning in life

This is the true joy in life--the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one;
the being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances,
complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.
-George Bernard Shaw

Like Shaw, many wise people have observed that a life of meaning makes us happy.
O’Connor & Chamberlain (1996) have shown people who lack meaning in their life tend
to have more mental/emotional difficulties, more addictions, and more suicidal thoughts.
So, how do you find meaning? The Existentialists make several good points: (1) to have a
deep investment in the meaning our own life we must have thought about it very
seriously, it can’t be actions merely directed by parents or friends or teachers or ministers
or anyone else. We must decide what has meaning for us (although we don’t have to be
an entirely original thinker about what is meaningful). Until we settle on a purpose, our
life is in danger of having little meaning except for self-gratification. (2) Unless we think
of ourselves as self-directed--as making choices about our life rather being determined by
the genes, the past, and our social environment--we can’t take great pride in the good we
do. (3) It is pretty obvious that, given our personal limitations, individuals aren’t
mystically assigned a clear mission that changes the universe 1000 years from now. So, in
some sense, we have to decide on and “make” our own life’s meaning. People do, for
example: I gave birth to and raised five fine children. I was a Christian minister for 50
years and preached over 3000 sermons and saved over 1500 souls. I worked in the coal
minds from the time I was 16 until I got too sick to work when I was 67. And the
“meaning” can be less noble: I did the best I could but never found any meaning in life. I
started using drugs a 13, had AIDS by 16, and gave AIDS to 25 or 30 people before I
died. I’ve been a really successful con all my life. Clearly, some lives have desirable
“meaning,” other lives serve little purpose or evil purposes.

Goodrick (1999), writing about finding meaning, makes some simple but sensible
points. For one, he notes that fulfilling a noble purpose requires us to act, to DO
SOMETHING, that is, to devote one’s time to the cause. Thus, he states the obvious: a
meaningful life requires good behavioral self-control and time management. For
example, it is hardly a meaningful life if you earnestly but only occasionally think your
purpose is to serve God but otherwise very seldom think of God or do little to serve
others. Goodrick believes that TV is the greatest hindrance to living a meaningful life; it
is a time robber. Thus, for many, religion and TV may be the opiates of our time. Self-
control is discussed in chapter 4.
 Second, while it is possible for a notable few to accomplish meaningful and
commendable things while being depressed and self-disdaining, there is a much stronger
relationship between accomplishing good goals and feeling happy, optimistic, and being
self-accepting. Happiness and doing good may facilitate each other. A Jesuit philosopher,
de Chardin (1966), studied happiness 40 years ago and concluded that it (a) usually
involved work and discipline to self-improve and accomplish worthy goals, (b) efforts to
avoid selfishness (in yourself and others), and (c) a diversion of our focus from our lives
to the problems of others or of the world. Certainly, most people would prefer to do good
things while being happy, rather than unhappy. See chapter 6 for ways to increase
happiness.

Third, Goodrick says that two integral parts of a meaningful life are (a) close, caring
relationships and (b) worthwhile work. Being a good friend, a trusted helper, and an
effective worker requires many skills which you can learn (see chapter 13). Meyers
(1992) says happiness comes from sharing, loving relationships, not from material
wealth. In fact, Goodrick argues that materialism leads to unhappiness because we never
get enough and because striving for “things” robs us of the time and inclination to relate
to and help others. He further buttresses his argument by citing Jesus and Buddha:
Jesus--“Don’t gather a lot of materialistic possessions. Focus instead on spiritual values,
giving to, caring for, and loving one another.” Buddha--”Unhappiness comes from
wanting what you don’t have. So, stop wanting things to be different. Be happy with what
comes to you.” There are several books on Living the Simple Life (St. James, 1998).

I like Goodrick because he suggests doing hard, noble things, such as giving up much
of our material wealth (big TV, expensive sound systems and cars, big houses,
fashionable clothing, etc.), managing our time (spending 30% of one’s free time
volunteering at a charity, 40% working for the church, 10% reading inspiring literature,
10% in artistic/creative activities), reading and relating so we learn to be happier with
ourselves and more empathic, more forgiving, and more giving to others, and insist on
work that contributes to others, not takes from them. A meaningful life is a tough,
demanding life, not an easy one, no matter how wealthy the country you live in.

Examples of philosophies of life

Start selecting your basic principles. Pull together your basic ideas from the above
exercises and comments. I will give two examples of a philosophy of life. Both may
appeal to you and should be useful. First, is a philosophy written by a student which
emphasizes self-acceptance, being your true self, self-responsibility, and self-direction. It
is comfort and happiness oriented (although the Golden Rule is mentioned).

A happiness philosophy

 I am ________ and no one else. I am unique. I am myself and do

the things I do because of me, not because of anyone else. If I ever
find myself being displeased because of something I have done, I
 will realize that the behavior has to be changed by me and no one
else. The only person that I can expect to do anything is myself.
 I am one person and will take on the responsibilities of one person,
not the rest of the world. I am capable of doing only what I am able
to do and will not expect more.
 I will respect others for being what they are, not for what they
have. I will accept others for being themselves. I am superior to no
one and no one is superior to me.
 I will not let people run my life. My life is my own and I will
treasure it for all it is worth. And it is worth everything.
 I will be honest with myself and with others at all times. I will do
the best I can in all aspects. I will try my hardest to accept all of
my traits--good or bad.
 I will respect my parents and give them all the love they deserve,
which is a whole lot. I will try to accept their ideas and listen to
them open-mindedly, even if I don't agree. I will explain to them
why I believe in the things I do and ask them to accept me with
those beliefs. I will cherish them always.
 I will treat others as I want to be treated. I will listen to others'
ideas and respect their opinions, even if I'm in disagreement.
 My goal in life is to be happy to the best of my abilities. I am me
and I am real. I will live my life as the real me.

A helping philosophy
 I believe it is satisfying and a moral duty to help others. I want to
give. It does not seem fair that I should want and/or have so
much--a big home, a car, a good education, nice clothes--while
many others have so little. I feel compelled to do what is right,
even though it is hard for me to give up some things. I want to
follow the Golden Rule; if I don't, I won't be happy with myself
when I die.
 I would also like to be accepting of myself and others, even when I
or they fall short of my ideals. I want to forgive. I believe one way
of doing this is by believing in the "lawfulness" of all things, to
assume there are necessary and sufficient reasons for everything
that happens, for anything anyone does or feels. If I carefully
explore every life experience, I can learn to understand these "laws
of behavior," become tolerant, and even discover how to change
myself and some of the things I don't like. I want to be wise.
 I want to be honest, both with others and myself. I want to live my
life with a full awareness of the truth, no delusions or fantasies. I
don't want to shut my eyes to anything but least of all to my self-
centeredness and greed and to others' frustrations and needs. If I
can see clearly through my selfish blind spots, I will be loving,
giving, responsible, and self-disciplined. I want to care for others
face to face and at a distance by making this a better world.
  I want to love--and show it! I will love my family, my friends,
strangers, people who are very different, and, in fact, everyone. A
life-long duty is to learn enough so I can give my children security,
confidence in their own judgment, and a loving spirit. I will help
my friends grow for I will profit from good, thoughtful, able,
devoted friends. The heart that gives, gathers. I will fight injustice.
As long as there is a good mind wasted anywhere in the world, as
long as a potentially loving heart is self-centered or filled with
hatred, the world is being cheated. I want to make a difference.

Comment: this philosophy of life emphasizes caring for and doing

for others more strongly than the last one. It is more demanding. It
does not mention happiness or "doing your own thing." It
explicitly opposes self-centeredness and assumes that long-range
satisfaction with life rests on doing good rather than having fun.

Writing your own philosophy of life

You have studied enough now--Kohlberg's stages, Morris's Ways of Living (Table
3.1), Rokeach's Means and Ends (Tables 3.2 and 3.3), my comparison of happiness and
helping, experts' opinions, and two sample philosophies--to write a first draft on your
own philosophy of life. Take only 30 minutes or so. Start with a basic decision about
which will take top priority in your life--your happiness or helping others. Both are
valuable and must be considered. Then decide on other important values for you. Socrates
and Plato thought that wisdom, courage, temperance, and justice were the cardinal
virtues. Similarly, modern moralists have emphasized doing good, happiness, wise and
just use of knowledge, appreciating beauty, affection (love and friendship), fair
distribution of wealth, achievement and the good use of power, personal freedom and
rights, and other values. At the other end of the continuum were the Christians' seven
"deadly sins:" greed, lust, sloth, envy, gluttony, hate, and pride.

Seven sins: wealth without work, pleasure without conscience, knowledge without character,
commerce without morality, science without humanity, worship without sacrifice, politics without
principle.
-Mahatma Gandhi

Just describe the 2 or 3, maybe 4 or 5, major values that will determine the basic
meaning and purpose of your life. Write them down--thoughts are too ephemeral. Write
quickly, don't polish. Your philosophy will and should change as you grow. Remember:
you are deciding on your ideals, your highest possible goals, your noblest spirit and
dreams, your hoped-for accomplishments, your most inspired visions of your future.
Don't worry at this point about how to achieve these ideals. That's the next step. Now,
write your philosophy.
PUTTING YOUR PHILOSOPHY INTO ACTION:
RESEARCH FINDINGS ABOUT HELPING OTHERS

A philosophy of life that doesn't influence your behavior isn't worth much. In fact,
values can be used in harmful ways: a source of guilt, a cop-out that appeases your
conscience ("I'm not doing much but I have wonderful values"), a device for putting
down others ("my values are better than yours"), etc. But, a set of values, firmly believed
and followed with dedication, is the basis for goodness, maybe even greatness. In terms
of interpersonal values--charity, love, tolerance, etc.--you have an equal chance, no
matter who you are, to be among the best. You can have praiseworthy values without
having money (in fact, being poor may make it easier), without being educated, without
travel or culture or worldliness. Others will respect and admire you, if you act out high
values. We are, of course, talking about a life-long process of continual re-evaluation of
your values and re-appraisal of how to optimally live your values day by day. However,
today is the beginning of the rest of your life. So, let's decide what we can do to live up to
our highest values.

I will assume you have already drafted your philosophy of life. Now, let's see how
research can help us live the ideal of helping others (if that is not one of your values, read
on anyway). See Kohn (1992) for an excellent review of the good side of people. What
kind of people are good to others? They tend to be more confident, happier, positive,
more achieving, and not very self-centered or dominant (Myers, 1992; Wilson, 1976:
Whiting & Whiting, 1975). Caring people also tend to be more active, assertive
(cooperative but not competitive), more free to express feelings, more gregarious
(Mussen & Eisenberg-Berg, 1977), and not surprising, more sensitive to others' needs and
empathic with others' feelings. Actually, if we ourselves have experienced the same
stressful situations as a troubled person is experiencing, we are more likely to show
concern for them (Dovidio & Morris, 1975). Altruistic people are more honest, have
greater self-efficacy and self-control, and feel more responsible and integrated (Ruston,
1980). The research just cited tells us some of the interpersonal characteristics that are
associated with being considerate; perhaps self-help projects developing some of these
related traits would help you gradually increase your altruism.

Parents, who discourage aggression and are sharing, caring, and empathic
themselves, showing the child how and why to help others, are more likely to produce
altruistic children (Kohn, 1988). Such parents often give the child practice caring for a
sibling or a dog and encourage the child to see him/herself as sensitive to others' needs.
At an early age, girls and boys are curious, gentle, and helpful with a baby. Helping
comes natural to most humans if they have had good interpersonal relationships. Etzione
(1993) says the evidence is clear that youngsters close to their parents are less likely to
become delinquent. Divorce often disrupts the relationship with one parent. Other
relationships are also less meaningful: children have babysitters rather than nannies.
Larger schools afford less bonding with teachers and perhaps with peers. There are fewer
and fewer master craftsmen/women for young people to relate to at work. The world is
becoming less personally caring.

More recent research (Tangney, 1988; Betancourt, Hardin & Manzi, 1988) suggests
helping is related to: guilt feelings ("I feel badly about what I did") but not shame ("I am
an awful person"), believing the helpee is not to blame for his/her problems, focusing on
the helpee's feelings (rather than remaining "objective"), and having other emotions, both
positive (sympathy, grief, pity, or sadness) and negative (upset, worried, or angry about
the circumstances). Perhaps as a society we are less personally involved in relationships
than we used to be. Emotions and values are closely connected.

What factors in the environment help us become a giving person? Naturally, caring
more frequently occurs where the helpee is liked and where helping similar persons has
been modeled by others and is rewarded, e.g. when a person really needs help and shows
their appreciation. However, bystanders will often deny or overlook the needs of others,
such as a person who is sick, drunk, or being attacked. We assume others will step in and
help. But others don't. This occurs even when the hurting person is right in front of us, so
is it any wonder that we don't think much about the poor in the slums along the freeway
as we speed by or that we quickly forget about the sick or uneducated child we see on TV
who is 10,000 miles away? (McGovern, Ditzian, & Taylor, 1975; Weiss, Boyer,
Lombardo, & Stich, 1973; Mussen & Eisenberg-Berg, 1977)

Research has also documented the obvious, namely, that a warm, friendly community
or environment encourages more helping responses than a cold, suspicious, punitive
situation. So be friendly and choose friends who are generous to others. As you might
expect, if the situation poses some danger--like intervening in a family fight--we are less
likely to offer help. There is some danger there. But, as you might not expect, research
has also shown that the more people present at the scene of a crisis (and, thus, less
dangerous), the less likely it is that a person will offer help, presumably because each
person assumes that someone else will call an ambulance or give first aid, etc. (Staub,
1975). So look for things you can do. Don't assume that someone else will come to the
rescue.

Perhaps the most important awareness for you to have is this: knowing the steps
involved in helping someone increases the likelihood (from 25% to 42%) that you or I
will actually offer help. Thus, training programs are important, there one can practice by
role-playing helpful, empathic, and caring responses. "Affective education" where one
listens to moral stories and discusses morals and moral dilemmas in small groups
increases behavior considerate of others. Haan, Aerts, & Cooper (1985) concluded,
however, that strictly academic or intellectual discussions of moral principles don't help
us much. Instead, getting involved in a real group where real interpersonal conflicts arise
and are worked out fairly is a great learning experience. We need to get emotionally
involved and experience the feelings, intentions, and actions of others when in conflict;
we need to observe the consequences of others' actions when in moral dilemmas. Making
a commitment to be helpful to others is also important (Staub, 1975; Maitland &
Goldman, 1974; Vitz, 1990).

The heart has its reasons that reason doesn't know.

-Pascal

Altruism depends first on your liking and accepting others, second on your being concerned for
others' welfare, and third on your feeling responsible for helping others in need.
-E. Staub

Latane' and Darley (1970) have described five steps in the complicated decision to
help someone: (1) notice when someone is in trouble. Fears and shyness can cause us to
ignore the needs of others. (2) Carefully determine if the person actually needs help. We
are often prone to quickly assume they are all right. (3) Decide to personally take
responsibility for helping the other person. Don't avoid a person in need. (4) Decide what
you can do. Knowing first aid or having dealt with alcoholics, drug users, epileptics, flat
tires, engine problems, divorces, parent-child conflicts, etc. increases the chances we will
offer our help. (5) Perform the helpful deed. In short, if you feel more confident and
trusting of others and less scared, you are much more likely to be helpful (85% vs. 50%
of the time) to a person in crisis (Wilson, 1976). You can't wait until a crisis occurs to get
this knowledge, confidence, trust, and courage; now is the time.

What are some of the other barriers to helping? Research indicates that people vary
greatly in their awareness of their own values; you aren't likely to be dedicated to your
basic principles unless they are in the forefront of your thinking all the time. In fact, what
seems to usually happen, if you do not keep your values in mind, is that you will be
influenced by friends (see chapter 9). Unfortunately, friends are more likely to undermine
your values and persuade you to not study rather than to study hard, to play rather than
help out at home, to spend money having fun rather than giving to a good cause, etc., so
beware. Be independent! Have your own life goals; in that case, Thomas Berndt at
Purdue says you will change friends, rather than change your values.

Likewise, in the struggle between conflicting values inside each of us, certain
attitudes or values may be used to "cut down" other values, e.g. Rokeach (1973) has
shown that people who wanted to stay superior and "keep the niggers in their place" rated
freedom much higher than equality (see Table 3.2). Thus, a belief in "freedom" is
sometimes used to justify our having advantages and opportunities that are denied to
others, just like a preoccupation with seeking happiness or wealth can blind us to the
good we could do for others. It is interesting to note that President Reagan's speeches
referred to "freedom" and "liberty" twenty times as often as "equality" or "equal rights"
(Ball-Rokeach, Rokeach & Grube, 1984). So, don't be pushed around by your politicians,
your friends, or by your own emotional needs and cop outs. Stick to your basic values. A
recent book by Hass (1998) may be particularly helpful with mastering self-control in this
area. He emphasizes how our emotions frequently lead us astray, luring us to do the
wrong things or to forget to do the right things. Emotions need to be controlled before our
values can dominate.

Becoming helpful yourself

In summary, you must by now realize that becoming and remaining a caring, loving
person is very complicated (though no more complicated than becoming a greedy, angry
person). I hope you don't feel overwhelmed or pessimistic. The truth is that many people
have learned to be altruistic or it is our nature in comfortable circumstances (Kohn,
1992). Examples: About 45% of wallets left on a New York street (containing $5 and
personal papers) are returned intact (Hornstein, 1976). Circumstances influence when
people will return a wallet, e.g. positive feelings increase the return rate to 60% and a
minor negative experience reduces the rate to 20% (on the day Robert Kennedy was
killed, June 4, 1968, none of the 40 "lost" wallets were returned). People helped a man
with a cane who collapsed on a subway 95% of the time, but if he acted drunk, the
response rate dropped to 50% (Piliavin, Rodin & Piliavin, 1969). If you ask for a dollar, a
stranger on the street will give it to you 35% of the time; if you ask nicely, saying, "My
wallet was stolen," 75% will give (Latane' & Darley, 1970). About 85% of American
households give (an average of $200) to charity. Even a majority of blood donors, say
60% to 65%, volunteered to give bone marrow when the procedure and needy cases were
carefully described. Being a bone marrow donor is no simple matter. It involves staying
overnight in the hospital, getting an anesthesia, cutting into your bone, digging out the
marrow, and recovery! In the right situation many people are very giving. You and I can
be too.

There is evidence that personally helping someone makes people feel good--calm,
less stressed, and self-satisfied, something like a "runner's high." These benefits from
helping others don't occur when you merely give money, pay taxes, help without having
close personal contact, or feel compelled to help (Luks, 1988). 97% say they want to help
but less than half of us do. If an abandoned child were left on our door step, we would
help--and love doing it. Why should it make any difference if the needy child is at our
door or 10,000 miles away? It would be weird if our morals told us to only help people in
our family, our community, our ethnic-religious group, our country, our race, etc.

There is a simple, easy place for you to start: DO SOMETHING! Just realize that
making the world a better place requires a community effort--probably a world-wide
effort--and each of us is partly responsible for the world and almost totally responsible
for our own behavior. What can you do?

1. There are personal traits to be developed further: (a) confidence, (b)

independence from friends, (c) keen awareness of others' needs and of our
own emotions and self-centeredness, (d) empathy for others, (e) self-
esteem and the courage to offer your help, etc. These traits lead to
altruism. Insecurity leads to distrust and dislike of others.
 2. There is endless knowledge each person needs to know: (a) the steps in
helping, (b) how to handle many kinds of crises, (c) how to gain the self-
control necessary to carry out our own lofty ideals, (d) exactly where and
how to offer help, etc. Knowledge gives us more ability to do good.
3. There is a need to create an environment (a) that models and rewards
caring, (b) that discourages prejudice and hostile competitiveness or even
isolation and overlooking the needs of others, (c) that provides ways of
helping that do not offend or discourage the person being helped, etc. Any
society that makes it difficult or unpleasant to give to others is surely in
deep trouble; for instance, in this country we hate to pay taxes although
taxes are our principle way of helping others outside the family. This anti-
helping (taxes) attitude is a major problem but it goes largely
unrecognized. In the last few years, however, schools have started to
emphasize community service again (something like the Peace Corps
ideas). Thousands of students are volunteering at local kitchens for the
homeless, agencies for the mentally ill, Big Brother/Big Sisters,
McDonald Houses, etc. What a wonderfully enriching, broadening, and
meaningful experience. Even politicians are talking about community
service again. Humanity can be our community.

There is a lot of help that needs to be done all over the world, enough to fill the lives
of several generations. Yet, there is a simple place for each one of us to start: namely,
moving from good intentions to good deeds. DO SOMETHING!

Don't cop out by saying "I don't know what to do." With a little thought we can all
find endless things to do. Examples: mow the neighbor's lawn when they are on vacation
or have a death in the family, help a friend move, offer your friendship to a new person in
school or your community, offer to baby sit for a family who can't afford a sitter, take an
old person to the grocery store each week or to his/her doctor, give some flowers to
someone, etc., etc.

Developing a specific plan of action

Your philosophy of life is merely a statement of valued intentions or hopes. Now, you
need to decide exactly how to achieve some progress day by day towards your ideal
goals. First Things First by Covey, Merrill, & Merrill (1994) does not help much in
deciding what should by "first" in your life, but it is an excellent book for helping you put
your life mission into action. Also see time management in chapter 13. For each of your
major values, make a list of daily or weekly activities to be done.

For example, one person, who is trying to live up to the helping philosophy, might
have a list of activities (or self-help projects) like this:

1. Follow the Golden Rule. I will (a) volunteer to be a candy striper or to

help in a local teen center. (b) Seek out lonely, unhappy, rejected people
near me and be their friend. (c) Waste little money (say less than 20% of
 my earnings) on junk food, special clothes, partying, and luxuries for me;
give 50% of the money I would spend on meat to support vegetarian
causes.
2. Accept myself and others. I will (a) stop and figure out why I am resentful
before yelling and fighting with my brother and my mother. (b) Carry out
at least one self-help project at all times, using as much scientific
information as possible.
3. Be aware and honest. I will (a) write in my diary every day, describing as
best I can my true motives and deepest feelings. (b) Encourage my friends,
especially by my example, to be generous, friendly, and respectful to
everyone, and to learn and use as much knowledge as they can. (c)
Explain and defend my values to friends. I will not change my morals just
to keep a friend.
4. Be loving. I will (a) show the special people in my life that I love and need
them. I'll say "I love you" often. (b) Ask at least one person every day if I
can help them--and really mean it. Life's greatest joys are to love and to be
loved. Be loving to many people, not just to one person or to your family.
5. Treasure life. In spite of the focus in this chapter on major values and
over-riding goals, I will also value hundreds of wonderful little events in
life: observing beauty, enjoying music, watching a sunset, giving
compliments, sharing candy, smelling a rose, taking a warm bath, etc., etc.

These are just general examples. They do not include the specifics (when, where, and
exactly how) you will need to consider. Now it's your turn to write down specific ways
you can start living your values. Be concrete about what you will do, when you will start,
how often, with whom, etc. so that you have a practical to-be-done list to work from each
day.

CONCLUDING COMMENTS AND RECOMMENDED

ADDITIONAL READING

I hope it is clear to you now that self-help methods can help you become your best
possible self as well as deal with serious problems or just change the things you'd like to
see happen, like being a better conversationalist. Any self-improvement requires daily or
hourly attention (but once done, it may last forever). However, coming up with the list of
ways and specific plans at this time to carry out your moral principles is not a once-in-a-
lifetime chore, it is only the beginning. You will probably need to learn a lot about
yourself and self-help to do what you think you should do; you will occasionally--every
few months--want to re-evaluate your major values relative to other pressing desires and
urges you experience; you will need to re-affirm and re-dedicate yourself to your highest
values; you will need to periodically re-assess your goals and the payoffs to others and to
yourself, then decide if your current lifestyle is the best you can do.
 You can find thought-provoking ideas about life's purpose in many places. In chapter
14, helpful attitudes are discussed, including the idea of finding meaning in whatever life
situation you happen to be in at the moment. Also, how we can use beliefs, such as
religious beliefs or faith in science or some political system, to bolster our feelings of
certainty and security, is discussed in that chapter. The classic book in this area is Frankl's
(1970) Man's Search for Meaning. I'd also recommend reading one of Scott Peck's books
(1993), although he has become quite religious. Etzione (1993) and Lerner (1995) speak
eloquently about the spirit of community--caring for one another. They say our culture
has emphasized materialism and individual rights to the point of demanding getting
certain benefits, such as welfare, farm subsidies, unemployment compensation, special
education, health care, etc. But, they say that as individuals we neglected to define and
fulfill our social responsibilities, i.e. helping.

Others have taken up the cry for responsible behavior (Branden, 1996; Bly, 1997).
Baumeister (1992), as cited earlier, insightfully discusses how needs determine the
meanings we seek in our lives. Haan (1985) also discusses our development of practical
morals. Averill & Nunley (1993) depict meaningful journeys based on caring. But, if you
think our social-economic conditions are fair, read Kozol's (1994) description of children
living in the slums of South Bronz and compare their life with the Wall Street brokers just
a few blocks away. How can we level the playing field?

William Bennett (1993), once the leader of the nation's war against drugs, tries to tell
kids the difference between right and wrong by sharing stories about honesty, self-
discipline, courage, commitment, etc. Remember: setting noble goals does not tell you
how to behave so you will reach the goals. Robert Coles (1996) interviews children and
tells parents how to raise moral children. Check out http://www.ffbh.boystown.org for
several books for children about values and good character. For pure inspiration it is hard
to beat Canfield & Hansen's (1991, 1993, 1995, 1996) Chicken Soup for the Soul series;
the short stories make you feel good about yourself and the whole human race. They
build your spirit.

In an interesting, easy to read, relevant book, Halberstam (1993) has tried to help
people think through everyday moral dilemmas, such as "is it wrong to have sex with
someone you don't truly love?" or "are mean thoughts bad?" (In regard to the last
question, Halberstam asks: can you imagine Jesus Christ drinking a beer, watching a
football game, jumping up and yelling, "Get that quarterback! Smear him!") Much of
McKay and Fanning's (1993) guide to being a man centers around values. Finally, 30 of
the best thinkers of the last century have shared their philosophies of life with us
(Fadiman, 1931, 1990); that should stimulate thinking about your own philosophy. It is
worth your time to think about morals.

The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases.
Each of us carries his own unique life form--which cannot be used by any other.
-Carl Jung
Be your own person--live your own life--you are unique, one of a kind--the world needs you--you
have many choices--you can be many things.

For those who think I've been too preachy in this chapter, I want to share with you a
fable told by Elie Wiesel. It takes place in Sodom and Gomorrah--the cities eventually
destroyed by God because sin was rampant. In fact, the Bible says less than 10 good
people could be found there among thousands. Four of the good people were Abraham's
son, Lot, his wife, and their two daughters. You will remember the story says they were
saved by angels... but contrary to God's instructions, Lot's wife looked back and,
consequently, was turned into salt. Another good person in Sodom was an old preacher
who had come to the cities as a young man fifty years before and was appalled by the
greed and gluttony all around him. The major interests of the people were money,
partying, and sex. They had forgotten the Golden Rule; they did whatever benefited and
pleased them. When someone was ill in the street, they looked the other way. They were
indifferent to the poor and homeless among them. They only wanted more and more for
themselves. The young man was so disturbed that he started to preach on the streets about
caring for others. But no one paid attention to him. This went on for years; he became an
excellent speaker and was known as "the preacher." He spoke of the joys of loving
everyone and helping the poor. He helped the homeless. He warned of God's wrath. No
matter how hard he tried to get them to change, the people of these two cities wouldn't
listen. Instead, they thought he was weird. When he was an old man and very tired, a
young boy listened to a part of one of his sermons and then shouted, "Why do you preach
so much old man? Don't you know people won't change?" The old man said, "Oh, by
now, I know that." "So why do you keep on preaching?" asked the boy. "So they won't
change me," said the old man.

If you really love another properly, there must be sacrifice.

-Mother Teresa

Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves.
-Sir James M. Barrie

Bibliography

References cited in this chapter are listed in the Bibliography (see link on the book title page).
Please note that references are on pages according to the first letter of the senior author's last
name (see alphabetical links at the bottom of the main Bibliography page).