Lauren Davis

CTW II

5/20/19

Hidden Identities Essay First Draft

The setting: San Jose, CA, Silver Oak Elementary School, Miss Botini’s first

grade classroom. My six year old self is scrambling to get as much of her Mad Minute

math quiz done as possible. For the life of me I cannot remember what 9x8 is. “Time’s Commented [1]: I think writing this out as "nine times
eight" is a little better
up! Pencils down.” Miss Botini announces to the class. I look at my paper and most of

the questions are blank. Embarrassed and ashamed, I pass forward my quiz to turn it in.

I loathed these timed quizzes. Why does it have to be a race? My biggest struggle has Commented [2]: Maybe add a little more to this
showing why you hated the tests
always been taking too much time to get my work done. However, because of the time

and effort I devoted to my work, I usually did well in school. At this time I did not know it

yet, but there was a reason I took longer than my classmates to finish my assignments Commented [3]: "I did not know at the time,"

and tests; why one minute I’d be totally invested in what the teacher was talking about,

and the next I would turn into a space cadet and space out, in my own world. The

reason was because I have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Even at six Commented [4]: how much of my experience with
dealing with a disorder should be in the intro and how
much should I expand upon in the body of my essay?
years old, I knew something was not right. I explained to my mother that I really wanted

to learn, but I could not focus in class. So she took me to a developmental pediatrician

and I was diagnosed with ADHD, predominantly inattentive type. After I knew what was

going on in my brain and received treatment for it, it was like night and day. I was

finishing more assignments and having an easier time concentrating in class. This is not

to say that everything was perfect after I got the help I needed. I still took longer than

the average student to get my work done, I struggled with impulsivity, and I had
difficulties with emotional regulation. While a diagnosis and medication can be very

helpful, they cannot “cure” a mental disorder. I was not always able to finish my

homework. My teachers and my parents always told me that I was smart and had

potential, but I would not have had the opportunity to show this potential if I had not

gotten the help I need through treatment and accommodations. Something one might Commented [5]: neurotypical people?

not consider is that the problems do not end after receiving accommodations. There is a

shame associated with having a disability that affects one’s learning. A major part of

childhood and adolescence (and the human experience as a whole, in all honesty) is

wanting to be “like everyone else” and a fear of being viewed as “different.” Because of

this, people with disabilities will often hide their mental differences from others and even

want to deny it to themselves. So while having accomodations can be very helpful

towards academic success, it can often make students feel isolated. I’ve often

wondered “why can’t I just finish my exam in the same amount of time as everyone

else?” or “why can’t I keep up and write my notes as quickly as my peers?” It has taken

me time (and I am still in the process of coming to terms with it) to realize that there is

nothing wrong with needing extended time to take exams or having access to a

notetaker’s notes or needing to take medication. It is not “special treatment” or “taking

the easy way out.” It levels the playing field so that I have a fighting chance. Expecting

me to perform at the same level of neurotypical people without accomodations is like

asking someone to run a race while underwater while everyone else is on land and

being confused when they do not get first place. We are all headed toward the same

destination of education; some of us just arrive later than others. Commented [6]: I feel like I need to make my intro
shorter
 I have revealed some insight into my own experience as a student with a

disability, but I would like to offer further evidence from stories, studies, and articles to

show that I am not the only one who grapples with the shame surrounding having a Commented [7]: talk more about the shame i have?

disability. In a blog post, college student Chloe Gaynor describes her process of letting Commented [8]: give more quotes from this source.
also try to find something from How To ADHD
go of the shame surrounding her disabilities. Gaynor starts her post with a statement

that I, and I imagine many others with disabilities, can relate to: “I have ADHD and

learning disabilities. While I’ve struggled with the academic challenges of my learning

and attention issues, I’ve struggled just as much (or even more) with their stigma and

the shame that came with it.” She then goes on to discuss how she felt isolated

because of her disabilities. Her teacher would tell her to just “focus!” as if that could

miraculously make everything better. Gee, I hadn’t thought of that! If all it takes is

someone yelling at me to focus in order to rid myself of the lifelong struggle that is

ADHD, I would have done that years ago! In all seriousness, oftentimes authority figures

like teachers, parents, and coaches think that it is the fault of the child with the disability

that they are not succeeding. If you just “applied yourself” or “tried harder” they think

you would do well. What they do not realize is usually people with ADHD and other

disabilities are working harder than anyone you know. It feels like it takes twice as much

effort as it does for everyone else just to get by, to survive, to make the grade, all while

battling self doubt and external pressures from those who we are afraid of letting down.

And to do excel? That’s a whole different level. People with disabilities are capable of

being smart and doing great things, but it takes a lot of energy and work to show that to

make that potential come to light.

disabilities out of fear that her peers would think less of her. Because of this, she would

go to great lengths to hide the truth about the accommodations she received from her

school’s the Office of Disabilities Services. This was until one day a friend found out and

told her she had nothing to be ashamed of. “She was right. I realized that I’d let myself

be convinced that having ADHD and learning disabilities is a bad thing. I’d carried

people's negative comments with me for years—to the point that I almost believed

them” (Gaynor). That is the danger of the stigma and shame surrounding disabilities.

People internalize the negative messages fed to them by an ableist society and begin to

doubt their own capabilities and worth. If you do not believe in yourself, you are much

less likely to succeed. It is like you are doomed from the start. I have read about several

studies that show the positive effects of students learning how to be tolerant and

supportive of their peers with disabilities. Commented [9]: quotes (ie autism article)

Gaynor then goes on to describe how she has shifted her mindset from having

disabilities be a bad thing to it being a source of inspiration for her strong work ethic. I

can relate to this as well. Commented [10]: quote

Gaynor, Chloe. “I’m Finally Letting Go of the Shame of ADHD and Learning Disabilities.”
Understood.org, 2 Aug. 2018, www.understood.org/en/community-events/blogs/the-
inside-track/2018/07/26/im-finally-letting-go-of-the-shame-of-adhd-and-learning-
disabilities.