Bulacan State University

Graduate School
City of Malolos, Bulacan

A Translation of
Starrring Miss Lea Salonda
a One – Act Play by Njel De Guzman

In Partial Fulfillment of the Final Requirements

in Principles and Techniques in Translation and Lexicography

Submitted to:
Chita C. Glorioso
Professor, Principles and Techniques in Translation and Lexicography

Submitted by:
Ruth Klaribelle C. Villaceran
MAE – Language Education

ORIGINAL TEXT
CHARACTERS:
PRODUCER1/DIRECTOR/SORDID MARKETER
PRODUCER2/WRITER/CALLOW MORALIST
(*Both characters must be extremely tanned and must be ridiculously forcing a British accent
throughout the duration of the play.)

(Interior of an old abandoned makeshift Theater. Onstage and Up Center, as if waiting for people to
come in for audition, two tanned and intimidating young artsy theater pillars/charlatans are seen
ensconced on rickety seats behind a long table. Producer1 passionately pounds on the calculator while
Producer2 lightly taps on the keys of the typewriter on the table –stammeringly typing a script.)

PRODUCER 1: (Bursts.) It won’t sell!!

PRODUCER 2: (Apalled.) Good heavens! Must it really be the first line of the play?!

PRODUCER 1: First things first, old chap! The Box Office must precede the Divine Afflatus for it cannot
descend from the heavens without transportation allowance.

PRODUCER 2: Very well, I’ll delay writing this. (Stops. Hesitates typing.) While you marinate on your
marketing mix and I’ll just busy and burden myself with the casting for our play…(Inspects the audition
forms on the desk.) Hmmm… Nympha Gonzalez, Mary Kate Mangilog, Loren Fontamillas, Cashlyn
Cuarez, Karl Louie Marcelo, Kaneezha—

PRODUCER 1: (Goes to the table. Snatches the audition forms, throws them into the garbage can.) I
can’t march confidently up to those bloody corporate sponsors with a bunch of incognitos in my
deck! (In self-pity.) Those big-corporate-wigs will only snob our proposals and condescendingly see me
as a small time circus act begging for money …sob.

PRODUCER 2: Get used to it!

PRODUCER 1: Unless…

PRODUCER 2: Unless?

PRODUCER 1: …We have a star! (Pondering.)

PRODUCER 2: Brilliant, we’ll make our set designer put one onstage… So it’s a Christmas show?

PRODUCER 1: Not THAT kind. (Clarifying.) A Star!!

PRODUCER 2: (Smiles excitedly. Pretending to resonate.) Oh, a STAR!!! That’s twinklingly brilliant!!

PRODUCER 1: And not just any star…

PRODUCER 2: (Getting it.) …yes… a star …not just any star… perhaps a retired one from the telly…
trying desperately to save himself from the quicksand of obscurity…

PRODUCER 1: …we won’t settle for them…

PRODUCER 2: But they are the only kind of stars I know who’d be willing to do theater…

PRODUCER 1: (Dreaming passionately.) Well, we need a bigger one…

PRODUCER 2: The sun?

PRODUCER 1: Yes… the sun… the sun… yes… yes…

PRODUCER 2: (With some extra sensory perception.) Yes… the sun… the sun… yes… yes…

PRODUCER 1: The one that remarkably inspired theater to be professionalized in this country…
PRODUCER 2: The one who raised the benchmark…

PRODUCER 1: …the standards…

PRODUCER 2: …the esteem and dignity…

PRODUCER 1: …the quality and brought world class distinction to Philippine Theater…

PRODUCER 2: …the one…

PRODUCER 1: Yes… she’s the one…

PRODUCER 2: …the only…

PRODUCER 1: Yes… she’s the only…

PRODUCER 2: …The antidote to this Third World’s dying living art form…

PRODUCER 1: The movies will murder us… Unless…

PRODUCER 2: Unless…

PRODUCER 1: Yes… Yes… You see it?

PRODUCER 2: I see it! I see it…

BOTH: Starring Miss Lea Salonda!!

(Lights change. Miss Saigon’s “The Heat is On” plays. They both break into a jovial dance, laughing in
celebration of their brilliant idea. They open a champagne bottle in merriment.)

PRODUCER 1: Hurrah! Hurrah! We’ll hale her in to do our play!

PRODUCER 2: (While proposing a toast.) Hail! Hail! Hail! Lea Salonda!

PRODUCER 1: All “Hail” will break loose this season!!

PRODUCER 2: I have to sit! (Laughing like a drunk.) I have to sit! I can’t believe it?!

PRODUCER 1: Can’t believe what?!

PRODUCER 2: I mean, are we really going to put her on the show? We obviously can’t afford her.

PRODUCER 1: There’s nothing a good material can’t do…

PRODUCER 2: Really?

PRODUCER 1: Not really. But a fine artiste like her would definitely grab this rare opportunity of being a
part of the original cast to play OUR anonymous piece…pro bono.

PRODUCER 2: I bloody doubt it if any good can come out from these hands. Besides, I’d have to win a
Tony or an Obie to be deserving to write her in for a play…

PRODUCER 1: Must I always be the one to uplift your plummeting self-esteem? Your father’s name is
Tony, go ask him a favor to give you an award!

PRODUCER 2: What if she doesn’t agree?

PRODUCER 1: Your father’s a SHE?

PRODUCER 2: Shut up! I mean “her”…(Pause.) Lea will never agree. She won’t agree. I sense it.

PRODUCER 1: How do we bloody know that? We haven’t even bloody asked her!

PRODUCER 2: And if we are bloody going to…I won’t!

PRODUCER 1: You negative backbencher! Bloody chicken! (Teasing.) Why did this chicken cross the
road? To be squashed by a bloody ten-wheeler!

PRODUCER 2: You don’t understand! I grew up with Lea by my bloody side…

PRODUCER 1: Perfect! Then you must be pretty close to her by now…

PRODUCER 2: Stop goofing around! (Beat.) When I was a little boy I used to sleep with her Small Voice
and self-titled album ‘neath my bloody pillow hoping that one day I’d wake up beside her. I’d listen to
her day in and day out…well, with ABBA in between… until that blasted player ate my prized analog
recordings of her sweet gentle voice… Believe me…I bloody mourned that day.

PRODUCER 1: (Sarcastic.) My condolences. (Pauses as if for a prayer.) There that pause is long
enough! (Gets Producer2’s glass. Puts it down.) Now move on and start writing!

PRODUCER 2: I’ll write rubbish… (Taps on the typewriter.)

PRODUCER 1: WHO CARES?!! Does it really matter? What matters is she’s in the play. OURs to be exact!

PRODUCER 2: Alright. Alright. But I’m only agreeing because here in our country nobody gives a damn
about the material unless a star says it IS good. (Beat.) What if they find out it IS rubbish?!

PRODUCER 1: They won’t.

PRODUCER 2: How so? You’re exceptionally certain?

PRODUCER 1: Of course. It’s theater! The audience doesn’t really mind if they don’t understand the
material! In fact, they don’t expect themselves to understand it even. They are enamored with the witty
feeling of leaving the house baffled by the diarrhea of words we’ve constipated them with from prologue
to curtain! Why, they’ll feel a lot like reading modern poetry!

PRODUCER 2: Reading Poetry?

PRODUCER 1: Yes. The wonderful wondering feeling of profound uncertainty in the face of performed
Dada! They’ll all go home exclaiming, “Damn, I didn’t understand a Bloody thing…it must be good!”

PRODUCER 2: It must be ART!!! (Jumping up and down.) Yes! Yes! Yes! I see. I see. If indeed, the material
IS rubbish—and some deviants would state the obvious, I presume—we shall call them morons!

PRODUCER 1: Charlatans!!

PRODUCER 2: Idiots!

PRODUCER 1: We’ll call them purists!

PRODUCER 2: Conservatives!

PRODUCER 1: Preservatives! Haha!

PRODUCER 2: We’ll call them the Minority!

PRODUCER 1: Or the unenlightened Majority!

PRODUCER 2: The uneducated mob!

PRODUCER 1: The common hoi polloi devoid of any distinction!

PRODUCER 2: And we shall extol OUR so-called ART as Avant-garde! (Beat.) But what of the critics?

PRODUCER 1: Bah!! Critics!! They make theater so high falluting that’s why everybody’s daunted to see
it!

PRODUCER 2: But you do know without THEM…no bloody—I mean-- nobody WILL support us?

PRODUCER 1: Don’t kid yourself… NOBODY supports us!?!

PRODUCER2: …Oh, bugger…

PRODUCER1: Unless…

PRODUCER 2: (Thinking.) Unless…

PRODUCER 1: Yes…Yes… You see it?

PRODUCER 2: I see it! I see it…

BOTH: Starring Miss Lea Salonda!!

PRODUCER 1: It’s fool proof! However, we must take precautionary measures as to ensure that children
will be disallowed to witness our modus operandi! Those honest midgets can bloody ruin our reputation!

PRODUCER 2: Why so? I have a six year old niece and she apparently doesn’t have a credible standard
on what good art IS… Well… based on her annoyingly haunting, often twisted…, stick figure doodlings—

PRODUCER 1: --Because children tell the truth nonetheless! And they bloody do it so intelligibly loud!
Horrible things… quite, quite horrible things they can say about US… about…(Threatening.) … YOUR
bloody writing…

PRODUCER 2: (Threatened. In panic.) My writing!?! You’re absolutely bloody right! No children.

PRODUCER 1: We wouldn’t want to go parading obviously stark naked in front of the ogling public with
our so called invisible cloak on like what I did for that bloody Emperor’s New Clo—wait, that means we
wouldn’t be tapping into children’s theater… That’s a sizeable market we’re not going to be able to
bloody scam…

PRODUCER 2: (Impulsively.) I’ll put the children back on our mailing list!

PRODUCER 1: Definitely. But we need to distract them during the show…

PRODUCER 2: One that can be easily remedied…children can get easily bedazzled anyway…

PRODUCER 1: …not only the children…generally… the bloody audience in this bloody country—of any
age—can get easily bedazzled. Put a bloody Smoke Machine and two “moving heads” and our show
instantly becomes a stupendous elaborate display of world class production value! It is all a
façade! (Beat.) And that’s why we naturally have to speak in bloody British…

PRODUCER 2: Our shade of melanin doesn’t agree with the shape of our tongues. Either we toss this
accent or shed this skin…

PRODUCER 1: No compromise. Either way we lose equal opportunity to become our glorious selves!!

PRODUCER 2: (Excited.) We are British?

PRODUCER 1: Does it matter if we are? What matters is that we sound like one. Competent people are
most definitely expected to know English but only the reputably elegant ones speak it IN English!

PRODUCER 2: I don’t know but I feel eccentrically awkward saying ‘Bloody’ all the time. Feels like I’m
hemorrhaging.

PRODUCER 1: Good. That way you’ll very much look like the garden variety anemically frosting
Caucasian! Nobody will know the difference.

PRODUCER 2: Until they spot my nose!

PRODUCER 1: Oh, come on! Surely there’s simply nothing that the Avon ladies cannot cover up with a
pound of powder and a dash of blush and shadow.

PRODUCER 2: Avon ladies?

PRODUCER 1: Yes. There you go my worried friend…that settles our melanin problem. With those very
pleasant cheerful miraculous ladies and their bag of cosmetic tricks… we’ll be more at peace with
ourselves!

PRODUCER 2: How will we get them to do make-up for us? We can’t even pay for a stage manager!

PRODUCER 1: Well… stage managers are not as crucial as make-up artists…you can’t see those people
in black anyway…the only time you mind them is when something goes wrong! But obviously you aren’t
really paying much attention to the economics behind our ploy…

PRODUCER 2: Play…

PRODUCER 1: Right. Play… We will get them to sponsor our show!

PRODUCER 2: And how is that possible?

PRODUCER 1: You’re forgetful, chap… It IS impossible! Unless…

PRODUCER 2: Oh, yes I forgot…UNLESS…

PRODUCER 1: (Schemingly.) Yes…Yes… You see it?

PRODUCER 2: I see it! I see it…

BOTH: (Dreamy.) Starring Miss Lea Salonda!!

PRODUCER 1: We get her. We get them. All of them. Battalions of them. From Infantry Plebes to Brass
Hat Paratroopers. Don’t you miss the days of militarized set-ups and strike sets?

PRODUCER 2: Don’t flatter yourself. We came in all too late for that halcyon era…Unless you want to
proclaim yourself way too older than I am, old chap! Acutely, I do look younger than you are and my
nose? My nose is fine… Thank you. Who wants to be British anyway?!

PRODUCER 1: EVERYBODY?!!

PRODUCER 2: I’m not “everybody”…I’m in theater.

PRODUCER 1: Every theater wants to be “British”! Every theater wants to BE “Broadway”!

PRODUCER 2: Are you certain? I somehow feel quaintly different about your generalizations…

PRODUCER 1: Come now! Every local performer wants to go abroad…wants to perform on the West
End…or at least have a gig at a pub theater in New York!
PRODUCER 2: Why don’t they just perform here? At home. I know a couple of local bars—
(Contemplates.) —Hold it, that’s peculiarly redundant in British… but of course that’s an esoteric joke
we theater people DO to make other people feel and look stupid—

PRODUCER 1: You were saying…

PRODUCER 2: A couple of locals… that can be converted into a pub theater…

PRODUCER 1: (Appalled.) You don’t know the difference???!!

PRODUCER 2: What is?

PRODUCER 1: Plenty! It’s way much colder out there. They naturally have centralized air-conditioning. I
don’t suppose you have taken the trouble to note how much it would cost here?!

PRODUCER 2: (Seeing the other’s point.) Hmm… No wonder they have fatter talent fees …much is
spared from the overheads…

PRODUCER 1: (Passionately dreamy.) Abroad …my old chap …If we want to be somebody… If we want
to have the advantage of equity… or enlightened in our craft…we’d have to go…

PRODUCER 2: (Joining the dream.) …abroad… So when we come back…

PRODUCER 1: And even if we did NOT actually study there… our authentically fake British certificates of
technical erudition on theater will be the stamp of competency on our résumés and our ticket to fame…

PRODUCER 2: …and clout!

PRODUCER 1: But until then…these people will never buy our show…and we will never see the light of
duty free shopping… unless…

PRODUCER 2: Unless…

PRODUCER 1: Yes…Yes… You see it?

PRODUCER 2: I see it! I see it…

BOTH: Starring Miss Lea Salonda!!

PRODUCER 1: Now enough of this shilly-shallying, dilly-dallying skeptical inquisitions…(Shoves

Producer2 on the typewriter.) Type! Type! Type!

PRODUCER 2: I am! I am! But I can’t bloody think of anything original if I’m pressured to say bloody all
the time!

PRODUCER 1: Fine! Fine! We’ll drop the “bloody”! Now type! Type! Type!

(Producer2 starts typing. Tries to concentrate. Producer1’s cell phones rings.)

PRODUCER 1: Sorry. I have to get this one…client… (Turns around starts talking unintelligibly mumbling.
Trying to hide the fact he’s on the phone.)

PRODUCER 2: Excuse me…

PRODUCER 1: Oh, sorry… Oh, alright. I’ll shut it off.

PRODUCER 2: (Peeved.) Thank you.

(Producer2 starts typing again. Phone rings again.)

PRODUCER 1: (Guilty.) It wasn’t me! Honest!

PRODUCER 2: I know! (Beat. Angrily.) … it was… (Points to a person in the audience.)…HIS cell phone…

PRODUCER 1: Oh, what’s all the fuss?! (Defiantly defensive.) We’re not even having a show right now…

PRODUCER 2: …And we expect the audience to shut them up during a show! I hate those Cell phones!
What do we do with their cell phones?! Those bloody contraptions always ring at the most inopportune
times! (Producer1 sits with the watching audience.)

PRODUCER 1: Let them fiddle with it. They obviously don’t understand the play anyway. Let them use it
like a torch beaming rudely on their unglamorous faces in the dark…they paid for it. As long as we get
them to buy a ticket… I’m totally fine with that.

PRODUCER 2: What of the other people who are really interested in watching our play? They might be
annoyed by those people who aren’t…

PRODUCER 1: Never quite thought of that scenario as a possibility…

PRODUCER 2: That some people will be annoyed?

PRODUCER 1: That some people will actually be interested…

PRODUCER 2: Maybe we should cordon-off an area for people who are just pretending to be watching, or
pretending to have a bit of quality time for themselves by pretending to be watching… you know how
workaholics are busy, busy, busy! (Beat. Eureka.) Why not confiscate their cell phones before they enter
the house!?!

PRODUCER 1: What for? They obviously would like to make a statement that they can’t live without it.
Why deprive them of their attachments and distractions. Besides, they might be having a blast chit-
chatting with that other person on the line… Pity if you end their conversation…

PRODUCER 2: Well if their story is more interesting than ours… Why not… let’s give them the
floor (Picks a person from the audience to be cajoled to go up on stage.) …or the follow spots?!
Everybody will think it’s a part of the show. The actors can rest. The audience feel involved. And our
friendly annoyance becomes the star of our show!

PRODUCER 1: Brilliant! Everybody feels good about themselves! We’ll call the play “15 minutes of
Fame”! It’s going to be a marketing success! (Lets the audience member go.) There now you have a
title… Type! Type! Type!

PRODUCER 2: (Resists.) Trouble is… our sound system might get ruined…

PRODUCER 1: We HAVE a sound system?

PRODUCER 2: …well …we’ll rent…

PRODUCER 1: Nonsense. Those things are way too expensive.

PRODUCER 2: Indeed. But some people think it’s for free. (Grumbling.) …and then ask why theater
shows are so expensive…

PRODUCER 1: So we’re agreed not to outsource any sound system?

PRODUCER 2: But how will our actors be heard?

PRODUCER 1: Well, expectedly the audience will refuse to turn off their cell phones…they know that as a
given…and would assume they’re at fault that the sound system is acting against us… the blame would
be entirely theirs without the extra cost on us!
PRODUCER 2: Well, what if they do?

PRODUCER 1: Do what?

PRODUCER 2: DO turn off their cell phones?

PRODUCER 1: Trust me, they won’t. Even if you tell them so. They won’t.

PRODUCER 2: Aha! Their stubbornness will be to our advantage!

PRODUCER 1: …Yes…even if you tell them twice, thrice,… do translations of it in all languages… and
have a 20x20 advisory notice at the front-of-house… THEY WON’T! (Beat. Changes his mind.) Unless…

PRODUCER 2: Unless…

PRODUCER 1: Yes…Yes… You see it?

PRODUCER 2: I see it! I see it…

BOTH: Starring Miss Lea Salonda!!

PRODUCER 2: Finally, they’ll take us seriously!

PRODUCER 1: They have every reason to… Imagine, the title of our play in neon lights…

PRODUCER 2: What play?

PRODUCER 1: Doesn’t matter. (Beat.) Her name…glowing on the speckled tarpaulin background… stern
and steady on the gargantuan billboard fronting the highway…

BOTH: Starring Miss Lea Salonda!!

PRODUCER 1: And our names…

PRODUCER 2: Oh, jolly, jolly…

PRODUCER 1: Our names…

PRODUCER 2:… under it…

PRODUCER 1: Written by you. Directed and Choreographed by me.

PRODUCER 2: So we’ll definitely have a song and dance number?

PRODUCER 1: Of course. Do you want a Broadway Musical star to be a fish out of water?

PRODUCER 2: I don’t write musicals…

PRODUCER 1: (Irate.) You do now…

PRODUCER 2: I don’t know how to…

PRODUCER 1: (Yells.) MUST I DO ALL THE CREATIVE WORK HERE! I’M ALREADY THE DIRECTOR!

PRODUCER 2: No need to yell.

PRODUCER 1: (Offended.) Why you…. (Furious. Pounces on or chases Producer2 around with a chair on
hand.) I AM THE DIRECTOR! I AM EXPECTED TO YELL OR HAVE A TANTRUM OR THROW FIT EVERY SO
OFTEN! DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND!?!
PRODUCER 2: (Cowardly hiding underneath his writing table. Trembling.) But it’s not even technical
dress rehearsal yet!

PRODUCER 1: (Realizing. Calm.) You do have a point.

PRODUCER 2: I do?

PRODUCER 1: No you don’t. It’s always my idea. I’m the director.

PRODUCER 2: Oh.

PRODUCER 1: (Indignantly commanding.) Now write me a musical…

PRODUCER 2: (Cautiously.) No, really…I don’t even know what a G-clef is…I heard Lea knows solfeggio…
I mean what in heaven’s name is that…

PRODUCER 1: Can’t you open your mouth without sounding like a total nincompoop?! She knows
solfeggio means she knows how to cook it! She’s world savvy! What do you expect, she circled Europe
without learning a thing or two about Italian cuisine?!! Just toss a hackneyed Broadway song into the
play…and we’ll tell the audience it’s a musical revue!

PRODUCER 2: That doesn’t change anything. I still feel extremely uncomfortable writing a musical for
the first time.

PRODUCER 1: Goodness!! How hard can it be?!! Just put a song for an opening…another for a finale…
and squeeze a dance number in between…voila, a musical!!

PRODUCER 2: What of the rest?!

PRODUCER 1: The rest are book scenes…

PRODUCER 2: Book scenes? I don’t know how to write book scenes…

PRODUCER 1: Augh! Then get a book by E.L. Doctorow and copy it!! You are an absolutely sad
frustrating dead end! What do YOU know how to write?!

PRODUCER 2: (Proud.) Speeches. Realistic ones.

PRODUCER 1: (An idea.) Smashing. Write your speeches… We’ll call them MONOLOGUES!!

PRODUCER 2: (Skeptical.) Will that be interesting?

PRODUCER 1: (Certain.) Oh yes, especially if we make our privies do the talking!

PRODUCER 2: The monologues you mean?

PRODUCER 1: Yes…It’s going to be LOOOOONG RUNNING… (Devious.) you know what I mean…
LoooooooOOOooooOOong running…

PRODUCER 2: Huh?

PRODUCER 1: We’ll have standing ovations! Get it… standing ovations…

PRODUCER 2: (Lost.) No.

PRODUCER 1: You pathetic-prudish-puritan! We’ll never sell with your prim priggish penning! I’m even
more poetic by alliteration than you are…

PRODUCER 2: Do you think this country is even ready for something as appalling as that?
PRODUCER 1: There you go again with your morals! …Doesn’t matter if you’ll die and fail to hit heaven
just as long as you’ll have a HIT before you do!

PRODUCER 2: Privies doing Monologues?! (Stroking the air. As if seeing a Billboard.) My Private’s
Monologues… Ha!?! Even a ham would know it’ll never work! (Kidding.) …unless it’s a puppet show…

PRODUCER 1: Charming! That solves our children’s need for a distraction during our show…

PRODUCER 2: Puppets doing the Monologues?! Whatever happened to “the fish out of water”?

PRODUCER 1: Don’t panic! She’ll still get her song and dance…

PRODUCER 2:…you’ll choreograph?

PRODUCER 1: I’ll choreograph.

PRODUCER 2: Never knew you danced. (Reminiscing.) Always wanted to learn. Oh, can you teach me
how to do a pirouette?

PRODUCER 1: Well… (Trying desperately to demonstrate.) …it’s like… a pirouette is… ahm…you see…
the legs… I mean… the feet… on the sixth position… (Figuring out while executing.)Battenment!!! What
about Battenment!?! Do you know what a battenment is?!

PRODUCER 2: No. But I don’t want to learn how to do a battenment. I want to learn how to do a
pirouette!!

PRODUCER 1: You’ll have to learn how to do a battenment first before you can do a pirouette!!

PRODUCER 2: Oh. Is that so? Well, can’t you at least show me a nice clean one on a dime?

PRODUCER 1: (Proud. Trying to hide the lie.) I’ll show you when it’s time. (Beat.) When I see one…

PRODUCER 2: I thought you knew…

PRODUCER 1: I do. (Beat.) Did. I forgot already that I forgot already…

PRODUCER 2: (Smelling a rotten fish.) Your techniques…I see… You almost got me fooled there…

PRODUCER 1: At least…I’m humble enough to admit to my ignorance…

PRODUCER 2: Does this mean you’re not really going to be the choreographer? I’ll put a choreographer
into our fixed costs right away!

PRODUCER 1: (Commanding.) NO.

PRODUCER 2: No?

PRODUCER 1: We’ll audition dancers…I’ll still pose as a choreographer… trying to develop a new dance
style…I’ll tell them: no rules …no techniques …just pure catharsis of the heart and soul…

PRODUCER 2: (Sardonic.) …with a sense of urgency in motion…and a fire that consumes their morals
from within…

PRODUCER 1: Yes, yes, I’ll tell them… “We will explore the movements”…soon enough…they’ll be
dancing on their own… exploring on the rehearsal floor…consequently doing me a favor…by doing the
most phenomenally acclaimed out-of-the-box, ground breaking, original choreography! All I have to do is
pick which ones I like… put them together… and dub the new style with my name!

PRODUCER 2: Brilliant! So at least we don’t have to pay a choreographer for that!

PRODUCER 1: Of course you do. You’d have to pay me for that! I AM the choreographer, am I not?

PRODUCER 2: But I thought the reason…

PRODUCER 1: Don’t argue with me… I AM ALSO the Director… that means I am infallible.

PRODUCER 2: (Humbly sits and starts typing.) Very well… I’ll just focus on my writing…

PRODUCER 1: And to further the EXPOSition of our Art… we’ll make our dancers dance… topless…

PRODUCER 2: Topless? Now wait a minute… (Stops typing.)

PRODUCER 1: No minute to waste. That’s what you call value added service! Customers love that!

PRODUCER 2: You mean we’re putting up a glamorized strip show?!

PRODUCER 1: …And theater …all rolled into one!

PRODUCER 2: It’s debauchery!

PRODUCER 1: It’s ART! Einstein theory of relativity… You’re the only one with the dirty mind…all I see is
Beauty!!

PRODUCER 2: (Sarcastic.) Topless beauty…

PRODUCER 1: Stop it with your overzealous saintly statements… your obviously a faggot…

PRODUCER 2: And what’s wrong with being one?

PRODUCER 1: Aha! You ARE one!! You’re in theater! And you’re a faggot! How common can you be!?!

PRODUCER 2: (Offended.) YOU’re the Director! You’re the Faggot!!

PRODUCER 1: (Consoling.) Putting nudity in our play only proves one thing…that we are serious about
our craft…we are vulnerable, passionate, mature and seasoned…

PRODUCER 2: And indecent…

PRODUCER 1: See past the nudity…

PRODUCER 2: How can I…

PRODUCER 1: See the box office returns… and the buyer’s remorse after…there’ll be none… They will
leave the house pleased… and / or talking about the nudity…

PRODUCER 2: …and not about the play…

PRODUCER 1: …and more and more people will curiously watch…

PRODUCER 2: (Correcting.) …peep…

PRODUCER 1: Imagine that. More people watching—

PRODUCER 2: --More men you mean—

PRODUCER 1: And women—

PRODUCER 2: (Correcting.) –angry women…

PRODUCER 1: Fine. Then we’ll make our hunkiest actors do a butt naked song and dance number. We’ll
even make our audience participate if you like…and we’ll spit at them if they don’t!

PRODUCER 2: Profits based on Voyeurism…

PRODUCER 1: What’s wrong with that? Well isn’t that what the fourth wall’s for! In any case, some
people get it for free from their neighbors…at least morally we make them pay…some even do it for
charity—you know what I mean. (Thinking out loud.) Maybe we should do this play as a benefit…

PRODUCER 2: Well, SHE won’t do it even for the benefit of the U.N. if she knew you’d put in those
Topless dancers…

PRODUCER 1: Then we won’t tell her…

PRODUCER 2: Ludicrous! She’ll see them in rehearsal…

PRODUCER 1: Then we won’t make her attend rehearsals…

PRODUCER 2: She’s too disciplined to do that…

PRODUCER 1: FINE! Fine! Let’s just fool the press we’re getting her in for a part!

PRODUCER 2: Then what?

PRODUCER 1: (Annoyed.) Then-what- then-what!?!

PRODUCER 2: When will she appear?

PRODUCER 1: She’ll never! It’s like Waiting for Godot. She’s Godot.

PRODUCER 2: But she’ll be the title role?

PRODUCER 1: Exactly like Godot.

PRODUCER 2: My, that’s absurd…

PRODUCER 1: A synonym to brilliance!

PRODUCER 2: I still don’t like the idea.

PRODUCER 1: (Charming.) My old chap…you don’t have to like the idea. What matters is that you’re
going to earn from the idea… Isn’t that what every hungry theater artist would ever want…

PRODUCER 2: (Terrified. In the state of horror and disgust.) You’re the devil! GET AWAY FROM ME! Just
because the rest treat our craft as a hobby doesn’t mean I compromise my values!! (Breaks the fourth
wall. Goes down below stage. To the audience.) SOMEONE please break this cyclic CRUELTY IN
THEATER?!!

PRODUCER 1: (Peeved.) Oh, hush!! Put back drama where it belongs… ONSTAGE… (Calls him back
onstage. Sympathetic.) You know it’s true…

PRODUCER 2: (Goes back onstage. With a plaintive sigh.) I’m sad… that I would have to say
yes… (Breaks down. Bawling.) WAAAAaaaaAAAAHhhHhH!!!! (Crying subsides. Producer1
empathetically.)

PRODUCER 1: (Waiting for his cue. After a long pause.) Now start writing.

(Producer1 gets his calculator and dumps it into the thrash can. Blackout.)

CURTAIN
TRANSLATED TEXT

CHARACTERS:
PRODUCER1/DIRECTOR/SORDID MARKETER
PRODUCER2/WRITER/CALLOW MORALIST
(*Both characters must be extremely tanned and must be ridiculously forcing a British accent
throughout the duration of the play.)

(Interior of an old abandoned makeshift Theater. Onstage and Up Center, as if waiting for people to
come in for audition, two tanned and intimidating young artsy theater pillars/charlatans are seen
ensconced on rickety seats behind a long table. Producer1 passionately pounds on the calculator while
Producer2 lightly taps on the keys of the typewriter on the table –stammeringly typing a script.)

PRODUCER 1: (Pasok.) Hindi bebenta yan!

PRODUCER 2: (Gulat.) Good heavens! Must it really be the first line of the play?!

PRODUCER 1: First things first, old chap! The Box Office must precede the Divine Afflatus for it cannot
descend from the heavens without transportation allowance.

PRODUCER 2: Very well, I’ll delay writing this. (Stops. Hesitates typing.) While you marinate on your
marketing mix and I’ll just busy and burden myself with the casting for our play…(Inspects the audition
forms on the desk.) Hmmm… Nympha Gonzalez, Mary Kate Mangilog, Loren Fontamillas, Cashlyn
Cuarez, Karl Louie Marcelo, Kaneezha—

PRODUCER 1: (Goes to the table. Snatches the audition forms, throws them into the garbage can.) I
can’t march confidently up to those bloody corporate sponsors with a bunch of incognitos in my
deck! (In self-pity.) Those big-corporate-wigs will only snob our proposals and condescendingly see me
as a small time circus act begging for money …sob.

PRODUCER 2: Get used to it!

PRODUCER 1: Unless…

PRODUCER 2: Unless?
PRODUCER 1: …We have a star! (Pondering.)

PRODUCER 2: Brilliant, we’ll make our set designer put one onstage… So it’s a Christmas show?

PRODUCER 1: Not THAT kind. (Clarifying.) A Star!!

PRODUCER 2: (Smiles excitedly. Pretending to resonate.) Oh, a STAR!!! That’s twinklingly brilliant!!

PRODUCER 1: And not just any star…

PRODUCER 2: (Getting it.) …yes… a star …not just any star… perhaps a retired one from the telly…
trying desperately to save himself from the quicksand of obscurity…

PRODUCER 1: …we won’t settle for them…

PRODUCER 2: But they are the only kind of stars I know who’d be willing to do theater…

PRODUCER 1: (Dreaming passionately.) Well, we need a bigger one…

PRODUCER 2: The sun?

PRODUCER 1: Yes… the sun… the sun… yes… yes…

PRODUCER 2: (With some extra sensory perception.) Yes… the sun… the sun… yes… yes…

PRODUCER 1: The one that remarkably inspired theater to be professionalized in this country…

PRODUCER 2: The one who raised the benchmark…

PRODUCER 1: …the standards…

PRODUCER 2: …the esteem and dignity…

PRODUCER 1: …the quality and brought world class distinction to Philippine Theater…

PRODUCER 2: …the one…

PRODUCER 1: Yes… she’s the one…

PRODUCER 2: …the only…

PRODUCER 1: Yes… she’s the only…

PRODUCER 2: …The antidote to this Third World’s dying living art form…

PRODUCER 1: The movies will murder us… Unless…

PRODUCER 2: Unless…

PRODUCER 1: Yes… Yes… You see it?

PRODUCER 2: I see it! I see it…

BOTH: Starring Miss Lea Salonda!!

(Lights change. Miss Saigon’s “The Heat is On” plays. They both break into a jovial dance, laughing in
celebration of their brilliant idea. They open a champagne bottle in merriment.)

PRODUCER 1: Hurrah! Hurrah! We’ll hale her in to do our play!

PRODUCER 2: (While proposing a toast.) Hail! Hail! Hail! Lea Salonda!

PRODUCER 1: All “Hail” will break loose this season!!

PRODUCER 2: I have to sit! (Laughing like a drunk.) I have to sit! I can’t believe it?!

PRODUCER 1: Can’t believe what?!

PRODUCER 2: I mean, are we really going to put her on the show? We obviously can’t afford her.

PRODUCER 1: There’s nothing a good material can’t do…

PRODUCER 2: Really?

PRODUCER 1: Not really. But a fine artiste like her would definitely grab this rare opportunity of being a
part of the original cast to play OUR anonymous piece…pro bono.

PRODUCER 2: I bloody doubt it if any good can come out from these hands. Besides, I’d have to win a
Tony or an Obie to be deserving to write her in for a play…

PRODUCER 1: Must I always be the one to uplift your plummeting self-esteem? Your father’s name is
Tony, go ask him a favor to give you an award!

PRODUCER 2: What if she doesn’t agree?

PRODUCER 1: Your father’s a SHE?

PRODUCER 2: Shut up! I mean “her”…(Pause.) Lea will never agree. She won’t agree. I sense it.

PRODUCER 1: How do we bloody know that? We haven’t even bloody asked her!

PRODUCER 2: And if we are bloody going to…I won’t!

PRODUCER 1: You negative backbencher! Bloody chicken! (Teasing.) Why did this chicken cross the
road? To be squashed by a bloody ten-wheeler!

PRODUCER 2: You don’t understand! I grew up with Lea by my bloody side…

PRODUCER 1: Perfect! Then you must be pretty close to her by now…

PRODUCER 2: Stop goofing around! (Beat.) When I was a little boy I used to sleep with her Small Voice
and self-titled album ‘neath my bloody pillow hoping that one day I’d wake up beside her. I’d listen to
her day in and day out…well, with ABBA in between… until that blasted player ate my prized analog
recordings of her sweet gentle voice… Believe me…I bloody mourned that day.

PRODUCER 1: (Sarcastic.) My condolences. (Pauses as if for a prayer.) There that pause is long
enough! (Gets Producer2’s glass. Puts it down.) Now move on and start writing!

PRODUCER 2: I’ll write rubbish… (Taps on the typewriter.)

PRODUCER 1: WHO CARES?!! Does it really matter? What matters is she’s in the play. OURs to be exact!

PRODUCER 2: Alright. Alright. But I’m only agreeing because here in our country nobody gives a damn
about the material unless a star says it IS good. (Beat.) What if they find out it IS rubbish?!

PRODUCER 1: They won’t.

PRODUCER 2: How so? You’re exceptionally certain?

PRODUCER 1: Of course. It’s theater! The audience doesn’t really mind if they don’t understand the
material! In fact, they don’t expect themselves to understand it even. They are enamored with the witty
feeling of leaving the house baffled by the diarrhea of words we’ve constipated them with from prologue
to curtain! Why, they’ll feel a lot like reading modern poetry!

PRODUCER 2: Reading Poetry?

PRODUCER 1: Yes. The wonderful wondering feeling of profound uncertainty in the face of performed
Dada! They’ll all go home exclaiming, “Damn, I didn’t understand a Bloody thing…it must be good!”

PRODUCER 2: It must be ART!!! (Jumping up and down.) Yes! Yes! Yes! I see. I see. If indeed, the material
IS rubbish—and some deviants would state the obvious, I presume—we shall call them morons!

PRODUCER 1: Charlatans!!

PRODUCER 2: Idiots!

PRODUCER 1: We’ll call them purists!

PRODUCER 2: Conservatives!

PRODUCER 1: Preservatives! Haha!

PRODUCER 2: We’ll call them the Minority!

PRODUCER 1: Or the unenlightened Majority!

PRODUCER 2: The uneducated mob!

PRODUCER 1: The common hoi polloi devoid of any distinction!

PRODUCER 2: And we shall extol OUR so-called ART as Avant-garde! (Beat.) But what of the critics?

PRODUCER 1: Bah!! Critics!! They make theater so high falluting that’s why everybody’s daunted to see
it!

PRODUCER 2: But you do know without THEM…no bloody—I mean-- nobody WILL support us?

PRODUCER 1: Don’t kid yourself… NOBODY supports us!?!

PRODUCER2: …Oh, bugger…

PRODUCER1: Unless…

PRODUCER 2: (Thinking.) Unless…

PRODUCER 1: Yes…Yes… You see it?

PRODUCER 2: I see it! I see it…

BOTH: Starring Miss Lea Salonda!!

PRODUCER 1: It’s fool proof! However, we must take precautionary measures as to ensure that children
will be disallowed to witness our modus operandi! Those honest midgets can bloody ruin our reputation!

PRODUCER 2: Why so? I have a six year old niece and she apparently doesn’t have a credible standard
on what good art IS… Well… based on her annoyingly haunting, often twisted…, stick figure doodlings—

PRODUCER 1: --Because children tell the truth nonetheless! And they bloody do it so intelligibly loud!
Horrible things… quite, quite horrible things they can say about US… about…(Threatening.) … YOUR
bloody writing…
PRODUCER 2: (Threatened. In panic.) My writing!?! You’re absolutely bloody right! No children.

PRODUCER 1: We wouldn’t want to go parading obviously stark naked in front of the ogling public with
our so called invisible cloak on like what I did for that bloody Emperor’s New Clo—wait, that means we
wouldn’t be tapping into children’s theater… That’s a sizeable market we’re not going to be able to
bloody scam…

PRODUCER 2: (Impulsively.) I’ll put the children back on our mailing list!

PRODUCER 1: Definitely. But we need to distract them during the show…

PRODUCER 2: One that can be easily remedied…children can get easily bedazzled anyway…

PRODUCER 1: …not only the children…generally… the bloody audience in this bloody country—of any
age—can get easily bedazzled. Put a bloody Smoke Machine and two “moving heads” and our show
instantly becomes a stupendous elaborate display of world class production value! It is all a
façade! (Beat.) And that’s why we naturally have to speak in bloody British…

PRODUCER 2: Our shade of melanin doesn’t agree with the shape of our tongues. Either we toss this
accent or shed this skin…

PRODUCER 1: No compromise. Either way we lose equal opportunity to become our glorious selves!!

PRODUCER 2: (Excited.) We are British?

PRODUCER 1: Does it matter if we are? What matters is that we sound like one. Competent people are
most definitely expected to know English but only the reputably elegant ones speak it IN English!

PRODUCER 2: I don’t know but I feel eccentrically awkward saying ‘Bloody’ all the time. Feels like I’m
hemorrhaging.

PRODUCER 1: Good. That way you’ll very much look like the garden variety anemically frosting
Caucasian! Nobody will know the difference.

PRODUCER 2: Until they spot my nose!

PRODUCER 1: Oh, come on! Surely there’s simply nothing that the Avon ladies cannot cover up with a
pound of powder and a dash of blush and shadow.

PRODUCER 2: Avon ladies?

PRODUCER 1: Yes. There you go my worried friend…that settles our melanin problem. With those very
pleasant cheerful miraculous ladies and their bag of cosmetic tricks… we’ll be more at peace with
ourselves!

PRODUCER 2: How will we get them to do make-up for us? We can’t even pay for a stage manager!

PRODUCER 1: Well… stage managers are not as crucial as make-up artists…you can’t see those people
in black anyway…the only time you mind them is when something goes wrong! But obviously you aren’t
really paying much attention to the economics behind our ploy…

PRODUCER 2: Play…

PRODUCER 1: Right. Play… We will get them to sponsor our show!

PRODUCER 2: And how is that possible?

PRODUCER 1: You’re forgetful, chap… It IS impossible! Unless…

PRODUCER 2: Oh, yes I forgot…UNLESS…

PRODUCER 1: (Schemingly.) Yes…Yes… You see it?

PRODUCER 2: I see it! I see it…

BOTH: (Dreamy.) Starring Miss Lea Salonda!!

PRODUCER 1: We get her. We get them. All of them. Battalions of them. From Infantry Plebes to Brass
Hat Paratroopers. Don’t you miss the days of militarized set-ups and strike sets?

PRODUCER 2: Don’t flatter yourself. We came in all too late for that halcyon era…Unless you want to
proclaim yourself way too older than I am, old chap! Acutely, I do look younger than you are and my
nose? My nose is fine… Thank you. Who wants to be British anyway?!

PRODUCER 1: EVERYBODY?!!

PRODUCER 2: I’m not “everybody”…I’m in theater.

PRODUCER 1: Every theater wants to be “British”! Every theater wants to BE “Broadway”!

PRODUCER 2: Are you certain? I somehow feel quaintly different about your generalizations…

PRODUCER 1: Come now! Every local performer wants to go abroad…wants to perform on the West
End…or at least have a gig at a pub theater in New York!

PRODUCER 2: Why don’t they just perform here? At home. I know a couple of local bars—
(Contemplates.) —Hold it, that’s peculiarly redundant in British… but of course that’s an esoteric joke
we theater people DO to make other people feel and look stupid—

PRODUCER 1: You were saying…

PRODUCER 2: A couple of locals… that can be converted into a pub theater…

PRODUCER 1: (Appalled.) You don’t know the difference???!!

PRODUCER 2: What is?

PRODUCER 1: Plenty! It’s way much colder out there. They naturally have centralized air-conditioning. I
don’t suppose you have taken the trouble to note how much it would cost here?!

PRODUCER 2: (Seeing the other’s point.) Hmm… No wonder they have fatter talent fees …much is
spared from the overheads…

PRODUCER 1: (Passionately dreamy.) Abroad …my old chap …If we want to be somebody… If we want
to have the advantage of equity… or enlightened in our craft…we’d have to go…

PRODUCER 2: (Joining the dream.) …abroad… So when we come back…

PRODUCER 1: And even if we did NOT actually study there… our authentically fake British certificates of
technical erudition on theater will be the stamp of competency on our résumés and our ticket to fame…

PRODUCER 2: …and clout!

PRODUCER 1: But until then…these people will never buy our show…and we will never see the light of
duty free shopping… unless…

PRODUCER 2: Unless…

PRODUCER 1: Yes…Yes… You see it?

PRODUCER 2: I see it! I see it…

BOTH: Starring Miss Lea Salonda!!

PRODUCER 1: Now enough of this shilly-shallying, dilly-dallying skeptical inquisitions…(Shoves

Producer2 on the typewriter.) Type! Type! Type!

PRODUCER 2: I am! I am! But I can’t bloody think of anything original if I’m pressured to say bloody all
the time!

PRODUCER 1: Fine! Fine! We’ll drop the “bloody”! Now type! Type! Type!

(Producer2 starts typing. Tries to concentrate. Producer1’s cell phones rings.)

PRODUCER 1: Sorry. I have to get this one…client… (Turns around starts talking unintelligibly mumbling.
Trying to hide the fact he’s on the phone.)

PRODUCER 2: Excuse me…

PRODUCER 1: Oh, sorry… Oh, alright. I’ll shut it off.

PRODUCER 2: (Peeved.) Thank you.

(Producer2 starts typing again. Phone rings again.)

PRODUCER 1: (Guilty.) It wasn’t me! Honest!

PRODUCER 2: I know! (Beat. Angrily.) … it was… (Points to a person in the audience.)…HIS cell phone…

PRODUCER 1: Oh, what’s all the fuss?! (Defiantly defensive.) We’re not even having a show right now…

PRODUCER 2: …And we expect the audience to shut them up during a show! I hate those Cell phones!
What do we do with their cell phones?! Those bloody contraptions always ring at the most inopportune
times! (Producer1 sits with the watching audience.)

PRODUCER 1: Let them fiddle with it. They obviously don’t understand the play anyway. Let them use it
like a torch beaming rudely on their unglamorous faces in the dark…they paid for it. As long as we get
them to buy a ticket… I’m totally fine with that.

PRODUCER 2: What of the other people who are really interested in watching our play? They might be
annoyed by those people who aren’t…

PRODUCER 1: Never quite thought of that scenario as a possibility…

PRODUCER 2: That some people will be annoyed?

PRODUCER 1: That some people will actually be interested…

PRODUCER 2: Maybe we should cordon-off an area for people who are just pretending to be watching, or
pretending to have a bit of quality time for themselves by pretending to be watching… you know how
workaholics are busy, busy, busy! (Beat. Eureka.) Why not confiscate their cell phones before they enter
the house!?!

PRODUCER 1: What for? They obviously would like to make a statement that they can’t live without it.
Why deprive them of their attachments and distractions. Besides, they might be having a blast chit-
chatting with that other person on the line… Pity if you end their conversation…

PRODUCER 2: Well if their story is more interesting than ours… Why not… let’s give them the
floor (Picks a person from the audience to be cajoled to go up on stage.) …or the follow spots?!
Everybody will think it’s a part of the show. The actors can rest. The audience feel involved. And our
friendly annoyance becomes the star of our show!

PRODUCER 1: Brilliant! Everybody feels good about themselves! We’ll call the play “15 minutes of
Fame”! It’s going to be a marketing success! (Lets the audience member go.) There now you have a
title… Type! Type! Type!

PRODUCER 2: (Resists.) Trouble is… our sound system might get ruined…

PRODUCER 1: We HAVE a sound system?

PRODUCER 2: …well …we’ll rent…

PRODUCER 1: Nonsense. Those things are way too expensive.

PRODUCER 2: Indeed. But some people think it’s for free. (Grumbling.) …and then ask why theater
shows are so expensive…

PRODUCER 1: So we’re agreed not to outsource any sound system?

PRODUCER 2: But how will our actors be heard?

PRODUCER 1: Well, expectedly the audience will refuse to turn off their cell phones…they know that as a
given…and would assume they’re at fault that the sound system is acting against us… the blame would
be entirely theirs without the extra cost on us!

PRODUCER 2: Well, what if they do?

PRODUCER 1: Do what?

PRODUCER 2: DO turn off their cell phones?

PRODUCER 1: Trust me, they won’t. Even if you tell them so. They won’t.

PRODUCER 2: Aha! Their stubbornness will be to our advantage!

PRODUCER 1: …Yes…even if you tell them twice, thrice,… do translations of it in all languages… and
have a 20x20 advisory notice at the front-of-house… THEY WON’T! (Beat. Changes his mind.) Unless…

PRODUCER 2: Unless…

PRODUCER 1: Yes…Yes… You see it?

PRODUCER 2: I see it! I see it…

BOTH: Starring Miss Lea Salonda!!

PRODUCER 2: Finally, they’ll take us seriously!

PRODUCER 1: They have every reason to… Imagine, the title of our play in neon lights…

PRODUCER 2: What play?

PRODUCER 1: Doesn’t matter. (Beat.) Her name…glowing on the speckled tarpaulin background… stern
and steady on the gargantuan billboard fronting the highway…

BOTH: Starring Miss Lea Salonda!!

PRODUCER 1: And our names…

PRODUCER 2: Oh, jolly, jolly…

PRODUCER 1: Our names…

PRODUCER 2:… under it…

PRODUCER 1: Written by you. Directed and Choreographed by me.

PRODUCER 2: So we’ll definitely have a song and dance number?

PRODUCER 1: Of course. Do you want a Broadway Musical star to be a fish out of water?

PRODUCER 2: I don’t write musicals…

PRODUCER 1: (Irate.) You do now…

PRODUCER 2: I don’t know how to…

PRODUCER 1: (Yells.) MUST I DO ALL THE CREATIVE WORK HERE! I’M ALREADY THE DIRECTOR!

PRODUCER 2: No need to yell.

PRODUCER 1: (Offended.) Why you…. (Furious. Pounces on or chases Producer2 around with a chair on
hand.) I AM THE DIRECTOR! I AM EXPECTED TO YELL OR HAVE A TANTRUM OR THROW FIT EVERY SO
OFTEN! DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND!?!

PRODUCER 2: (Cowardly hiding underneath his writing table. Trembling.) But it’s not even technical
dress rehearsal yet!

PRODUCER 1: (Realizing. Calm.) You do have a point.

PRODUCER 2: I do?

PRODUCER 1: No you don’t. It’s always my idea. I’m the director.

PRODUCER 2: Oh.

PRODUCER 1: (Indignantly commanding.) Now write me a musical…

PRODUCER 2: (Cautiously.) No, really…I don’t even know what a G-clef is…I heard Lea knows solfeggio…
I mean what in heaven’s name is that…

PRODUCER 1: Can’t you open your mouth without sounding like a total nincompoop?! She knows
solfeggio means she knows how to cook it! She’s world savvy! What do you expect, she circled Europe
without learning a thing or two about Italian cuisine?!! Just toss a hackneyed Broadway song into the
play…and we’ll tell the audience it’s a musical revue!

PRODUCER 2: That doesn’t change anything. I still feel extremely uncomfortable writing a musical for
the first time.

PRODUCER 1: Goodness!! How hard can it be?!! Just put a song for an opening…another for a finale…
and squeeze a dance number in between…voila, a musical!!

PRODUCER 2: What of the rest?!

PRODUCER 1: The rest are book scenes…

PRODUCER 2: Book scenes? I don’t know how to write book scenes…

PRODUCER 1: Augh! Then get a book by E.L. Doctorow and copy it!! You are an absolutely sad
frustrating dead end! What do YOU know how to write?!

PRODUCER 2: (Proud.) Speeches. Realistic ones.

PRODUCER 1: (An idea.) Smashing. Write your speeches… We’ll call them MONOLOGUES!!

PRODUCER 2: (Skeptical.) Will that be interesting?

PRODUCER 1: (Certain.) Oh yes, especially if we make our privies do the talking!

PRODUCER 2: The monologues you mean?

PRODUCER 1: Yes…It’s going to be LOOOOONG RUNNING… (Devious.) you know what I mean…
LoooooooOOOooooOOong running…

PRODUCER 2: Huh?

PRODUCER 1: We’ll have standing ovations! Get it… standing ovations…

PRODUCER 2: (Lost.) No.

PRODUCER 1: You pathetic-prudish-puritan! We’ll never sell with your prim priggish penning! I’m even
more poetic by alliteration than you are…

PRODUCER 2: Do you think this country is even ready for something as appalling as that?

PRODUCER 1: There you go again with your morals! …Doesn’t matter if you’ll die and fail to hit heaven
just as long as you’ll have a HIT before you do!

PRODUCER 2: Privies doing Monologues?! (Stroking the air. As if seeing a Billboard.) My Private’s
Monologues… Ha!?! Even a ham would know it’ll never work! (Kidding.) …unless it’s a puppet show…

PRODUCER 1: Charming! That solves our children’s need for a distraction during our show…

PRODUCER 2: Puppets doing the Monologues?! Whatever happened to “the fish out of water”?

PRODUCER 1: Don’t panic! She’ll still get her song and dance…

PRODUCER 2:…you’ll choreograph?

PRODUCER 1: I’ll choreograph.

PRODUCER 2: Never knew you danced. (Reminiscing.) Always wanted to learn. Oh, can you teach me
how to do a pirouette?

PRODUCER 1: Well… (Trying desperately to demonstrate.) …it’s like… a pirouette is… ahm…you see…
the legs… I mean… the feet… on the sixth position… (Figuring out while executing.)Battenment!!! What
about Battenment!?! Do you know what a battenment is?!

PRODUCER 2: No. But I don’t want to learn how to do a battenment. I want to learn how to do a
pirouette!!

PRODUCER 1: You’ll have to learn how to do a battenment first before you can do a pirouette!!

PRODUCER 2: Oh. Is that so? Well, can’t you at least show me a nice clean one on a dime?

PRODUCER 1: (Proud. Trying to hide the lie.) I’ll show you when it’s time. (Beat.) When I see one…

PRODUCER 2: I thought you knew…

PRODUCER 1: I do. (Beat.) Did. I forgot already that I forgot already…

PRODUCER 2: (Smelling a rotten fish.) Your techniques…I see… You almost got me fooled there…

PRODUCER 1: At least…I’m humble enough to admit to my ignorance…

PRODUCER 2: Does this mean you’re not really going to be the choreographer? I’ll put a choreographer
into our fixed costs right away!

PRODUCER 1: (Commanding.) NO.

PRODUCER 2: No?

PRODUCER 1: We’ll audition dancers…I’ll still pose as a choreographer… trying to develop a new dance
style…I’ll tell them: no rules …no techniques …just pure catharsis of the heart and soul…

PRODUCER 2: (Sardonic.) …with a sense of urgency in motion…and a fire that consumes their morals
from within…

PRODUCER 1: Yes, yes, I’ll tell them… “We will explore the movements”…soon enough…they’ll be
dancing on their own… exploring on the rehearsal floor…consequently doing me a favor…by doing the
most phenomenally acclaimed out-of-the-box, ground breaking, original choreography! All I have to do is
pick which ones I like… put them together… and dub the new style with my name!

PRODUCER 2: Brilliant! So at least we don’t have to pay a choreographer for that!

PRODUCER 1: Of course you do. You’d have to pay me for that! I AM the choreographer, am I not?

PRODUCER 2: But I thought the reason…

PRODUCER 1: Don’t argue with me… I AM ALSO the Director… that means I am infallible.

PRODUCER 2: (Humbly sits and starts typing.) Very well… I’ll just focus on my writing…

PRODUCER 1: And to further the EXPOSition of our Art… we’ll make our dancers dance… topless…

PRODUCER 2: Topless? Now wait a minute… (Stops typing.)

PRODUCER 1: No minute to waste. That’s what you call value added service! Customers love that!

PRODUCER 2: You mean we’re putting up a glamorized strip show?!

PRODUCER 1: …And theater …all rolled into one!

PRODUCER 2: It’s debauchery!

PRODUCER 1: It’s ART! Einstein theory of relativity… You’re the only one with the dirty mind…all I see is
Beauty!!

PRODUCER 2: (Sarcastic.) Topless beauty…

PRODUCER 1: Stop it with your overzealous saintly statements… your obviously a faggot…

PRODUCER 2: And what’s wrong with being one?

PRODUCER 1: Aha! You ARE one!! You’re in theater! And you’re a faggot! How common can you be!?!

PRODUCER 2: (Offended.) YOU’re the Director! You’re the Faggot!!

PRODUCER 1: (Consoling.) Putting nudity in our play only proves one thing…that we are serious about
our craft…we are vulnerable, passionate, mature and seasoned…

PRODUCER 2: And indecent…

PRODUCER 1: See past the nudity…

PRODUCER 2: How can I…

PRODUCER 1: See the box office returns… and the buyer’s remorse after…there’ll be none… They will
leave the house pleased… and / or talking about the nudity…

PRODUCER 2: …and not about the play…

PRODUCER 1: …and more and more people will curiously watch…

PRODUCER 2: (Correcting.) …peep…

PRODUCER 1: Imagine that. More people watching—

PRODUCER 2: --More men you mean—

PRODUCER 1: And women—

PRODUCER 2: (Correcting.) –angry women…

PRODUCER 1: Fine. Then we’ll make our hunkiest actors do a butt naked song and dance number. We’ll
even make our audience participate if you like…and we’ll spit at them if they don’t!

PRODUCER 2: Profits based on Voyeurism…

PRODUCER 1: What’s wrong with that? Well isn’t that what the fourth wall’s for! In any case, some
people get it for free from their neighbors…at least morally we make them pay…some even do it for
charity—you know what I mean. (Thinking out loud.) Maybe we should do this play as a benefit…

PRODUCER 2: Well, SHE won’t do it even for the benefit of the U.N. if she knew you’d put in those
Topless dancers…

PRODUCER 1: Then we won’t tell her…

PRODUCER 2: Ludicrous! She’ll see them in rehearsal…

PRODUCER 1: Then we won’t make her attend rehearsals…

PRODUCER 2: She’s too disciplined to do that…

PRODUCER 1: FINE! Fine! Let’s just fool the press we’re getting her in for a part!

PRODUCER 2: Then what?

PRODUCER 1: (Annoyed.) Then-what- then-what!?!

PRODUCER 2: When will she appear?

PRODUCER 1: She’ll never! It’s like Waiting for Godot. She’s Godot.

PRODUCER 2: But she’ll be the title role?

PRODUCER 1: Exactly like Godot.

PRODUCER 2: My, that’s absurd…

PRODUCER 1: A synonym to brilliance!

PRODUCER 2: I still don’t like the idea.

PRODUCER 1: (Charming.) My old chap…you don’t have to like the idea. What matters is that you’re
going to earn from the idea… Isn’t that what every hungry theater artist would ever want…

PRODUCER 2: (Terrified. In the state of horror and disgust.) You’re the devil! GET AWAY FROM ME! Just
because the rest treat our craft as a hobby doesn’t mean I compromise my values!! (Breaks the fourth
wall. Goes down below stage. To the audience.) SOMEONE please break this cyclic CRUELTY IN
THEATER?!!

PRODUCER 1: (Peeved.) Oh, hush!! Put back drama where it belongs… ONSTAGE… (Calls him back
onstage. Sympathetic.) You know it’s true…

PRODUCER 2: (Goes back onstage. With a plaintive sigh.) I’m sad… that I would have to say
yes… (Breaks down. Bawling.) WAAAAaaaaAAAAHhhHhH!!!! (Crying subsides. Producer1
empathetically.)

PRODUCER 1: (Waiting for his cue. After a long pause.) Now start writing.

(Producer1 gets his calculator and dumps it into the thrash can. Blackout.)

CURTAIN