Healthy Gender Development

and Young Children

A Guide for Early Childhood

Programs and Professionals
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 Healthy Gender Development and Young Children
A Guide for Early Childhood Programs and Professionals

O v er vi e w

Healthy Gender Development and Young Children: A Guide for Early Childhood Programs and
Professionals offers practical guidance for teachers, caregivers, parents and staff. It draws on
decades of research on child and gender development, and experiences of early childhood
educators, pediatricians, and mental health professionals.

We hope you find this resource helpful in your work to promote children’s resilience and early
learning. As one of the adults in young children’s lives, you can play an important role in guiding
children as they explore one of their most pressing questions: Who am I?

This guide is organized by the following topics:

■■ What We Know. Learn about the research regarding healthy gender development and
important terms.
■■ What Programs Can Do. Explore strategies for creating a safe and nurturing learning
environment for children.
■■ What You Can Do. Practice responding to children’s feelings about their own and each
other’s gender expression.
■■ Children’s Books That Support Healthy Gender Expression. Find a selection of
children’s books for children ages 2 and up.
■■ Related Resources and Selected References. Discover resources and references
about healthy gender development and young children.

Healthy Gender Development and Young Children 1

How Children Learn about Gender Roles Gender in Young Children
As young children develop, they begin to explore At birth, a child is legally assigned a
gender roles and what it means to be a boy or a girl. gender based on physical biology
Cultures provide expectations for boys and girls, and (female or male). Young children
may think of gender as one of many
children begin learning about gender roles from the personal characteristics.
norms of their family and cultural background. They
also hear messages about gender roles from the Gender Expression
larger world around them. When a child (or adult) chooses
activities, behaviors or clothing
that our culture defines as typically
Through their interactions and their play exploration, male or female, it is called gender
children begin to define themselves and others in expression. Choices can be aligned
many ways, including gender. Children may ask their with a person’s biologically assigned
parents and teachers questions about gender, take gender, like a boy playing with trucks.
on “boy” and “girl” roles in dramatic play and notice The choices may also be different,
like when a girl plays with trucks.
differences between the boys and girls they know.
They may choose certain toys based on what they
From a young child’s perspective,
think is right for boys or girls. They may also make playing with a toy or wearing
statements about toys and activities that they think certain clothing simply means
are only for girls or only for boys (Langlois, & Downs, “I like this.” Children do not yet
1980; O’Brien, Huston, & Risley, 1983; Egan, Perry, & have the understanding of how
Dannemiller, 2001). their choices’ may be commonly
associated with one gender or
another.
The ability to recognize when things are the same or
different is an important skill that children develop over From a teacher/staff perspective,
time. It’s only natural that they start asking questions to making these kinds of choices is part
help them sort out the differences between boys and of healthy child development. This is
how children express their developing
girls. It’s easy to see how they may think that being a sense of self.
boy means doing some things and liking some things,
and being a girl means doing and liking other things. (American Psychological Association,
2015)

2 Healthy Gender Development and Young Children

While many clear categories exist—a color is not a fruit and a dog is not a tree—many things that
may have traditionally been limited to one gender or another are not inherently male or female.
We can help children develop an understanding of categories that can include both boys and
girls by such simple, straightforward responses as “toys are toys” and “clothes are clothes.”
These messages can help children learn that any child can, for example, play with any toy or
dress up in any kind of clothing.

Stages of Gender Development in Early Childhood

A Note about Gender and Play
For more than 50 years, child development
Gender and Gender Identity researchers have studied how young children
For most children in the United States, learn and think about gender (Kohlberg, 1966;
gender and gender identity are not Bem, 1981; Martin & Halverson, 1981; Ruble &
so different. Children usually choose
toys and activities associated with their
Martin, 1998; Bussey & Bandura, 1999; Ruble,
physical gender. Martin, & Berenbaum; Trautner, et al., 2003; Miller,
et al., 2006; Zosuls et al., 2009).
Other children choose activities that
are associated with another gender.
Children learn the social meanings of gender from
It’s hard for them to understand why
they can’t play the games that interest adults and culture. Beliefs about activities, interests,
them, or play with the children they and behaviors associated with gender are called
like most. From a child’s perspective, “gender norms,” and gender norms are not exactly
that’s like being told that your favorite the same in every community.
color has to be red, but you know your
favorite color is blue.
Young children look to caring adults to help them
(American Academy of Pediatrics, understand the expectations of their society and to
2015) develop a secure sense of self. Children are more
likely to become resilient and successful when they
are valued and feel that they belong (AAP Healthy
Children, 2015; Kohlberg, 1966; Ramsey, 2004).

Healthy Gender Development and Young Children 3

Research has identified several stages of gender development:

Infancy. Children observe messages about gender from adults’ appearances, activities, and
behaviors. Most parents’ interactions with their infants are shaped by the child’s gender, and
this in turn also shapes the child’s understanding of gender (Fagot & Leinbach, 1989; Witt, 1997;
Zosuls, Miller, Ruble, Martin, & Fabes, 2011).

18–24 months. Toddlers begin to define gender, using messages from many sources. As they
develop a sense of self, toddlers look for patterns in their homes and early care settings. Gender
is one way to understand group belonging, which is important for secure development (Kuhn,
Nash & Brucken, 1978; Langlois & Downs, 1980; Fagot & Leinbach, 1989; Baldwin & Moses, 1996;
Witt, 1997; Antill, Cunningham, & Cotton, 2003; Zoslus, et al., 2009).

Ages 3–4. Gender identity takes on more meaning as children begin to focus on all kinds of
differences. Children begin to connect the concept “girl” or “boy” to specific attributes. They
form stronger rules or expectations for how each gender behaves and looks (Kuhn, Nash, &
Brucken 1978; Martin, Ruble, & Szkrybalo, 2004; Halim & Ruble, 2010).

Ages 5–6. At these ages children’s thinking

may be rigid in many ways. For example,
5- and 6-year-olds are very aware of rules
and of the pressure to comply with them.
They do so rigidly because they are not yet
developmentally ready to think more deeply
about the beliefs and values that many
rules are based on. For example, as early
educators and parents know, the use
of “white lies” is still hard for them to
understand.

Researchers call these ages

the most “rigid” period of gender identity
(Weinraub et al., 1984; Egan, Perry, &
Dannemiller, 2001; Miller, Lurye, Zosuls, &
Ruble, 2009). A child who wants to do or
wear things that are not typical of his gender
is probably aware that other children find it strange. The persistence of these choices, despite
the negative reactions of others, show that these are strong feelings.

Gender rigidity typically declines as children age (Trautner et al., 2005; Halim, Ruble,
Tamis-LeMonda, & Shrout, 2013). With this change, children develop stronger moral
impulses about what is “fair” for themselves and other children (Killen & Stangor, 2001).

4 Healthy Gender Development and Young Children

Children need a safe and nurturing environment to explore gender and gender expression. It’s
important for all children to feel good about who they are and what they can do.

Sometimes we unintentionally expect and encourage particular behaviors and traits based on a
child’s gender. For example, adults tend to comment on a girl’s appearance, saying things like
“Aren’t you adorable?” or “What a pretty dress!”

On the other hand, comments about boys

tend to center on their performance with a
focus on abilities, such as “You’re such a good
climber!” or “You’re so smart.” As an adult
supporting healthy development, you can
develop a habit of commenting on who they
are as individuals.

You can foster self-esteem in children of

any gender by giving all children positive
feedback about their unique skills and qual-
ities. For example, you might say to a child,
“I noticed how kind you were to your friend
when she fell down” or “You were very helpful
with clean-up today—you are such a great
helper” or “You were such a strong runner on
the playground today.”

Healthy Gender Development and Young Children 5

Create a Learning Environment that Encourages Healthy Gender Development
Children make sense of the world through imagination and play, by observing, imitating, asking
questions, and relating to other children and adults (Vygotsky & Cole, 1978). Here are a few
ways you can support these ways of learning:

■■ Offer a wide range of toys, books, and

games that expose children to diverse
gender roles. For example, choose
activities that show males as caregivers
or nurturers or females in traditionally
masculine roles, such as firefighters or
construction workers.
■■ Provide dramatic play props that give
children the freedom to explore and
develop their own sense of gender and
gender roles. Recognize that this may
feel uncomfortable for some providers,
teachers, and parents. Be ready to have
conversations to address the value of
this kind of play.
■■ Avoid assumptions that girls or boys
are not interested in an activity that may be typically associated with one gender or
the other. For example, invite girls to use dump trucks in the sand table and boys to
take care of baby dolls.
■■ Use inclusive phrases to address your class as a whole, like “Good morning,
everyone” instead of “Good morning, boys and girls.” Avoid dividing the class
into “boys vs. girls” or “boys on one side, girls on the other” or any other actions
that force a child to self-identify as one gender or another. This gives children a
sense that they are valued as humans, regardless of their gender. It also helps all
children feel included, regardless of whether they identify with a particular gender.
■■ Develop classroom messages that emphasize gender-neutral language, like “All
children can . . .” rather than “Boys don’t . . .” or “Girls don’t . . .”
■■ Help children expand their possibilities—academically, artistically, and emotionally.
Use books that celebrate diversity and a variety of choices so that children can see
that there are many ways to be a child or an adult. Display images around the room
that show people in a wide variety of roles to inspire children to be who they want
to be.

6 Healthy Gender Development and Young Children

Demonstrate Support for Children’s Gender Expression
Almost all children show interest in a wide range of activities, including those that some
would associate with one gender or the other. Children’s choices of toys, games, and activities
may involve exploration of male and female genders. They may express their own emerging
gender identity through their appearance, choice of name or nickname, social relationships,
and imitation of adults. Show support for each child’s gender expressions by encouraging all
children to make their own choices about how to express themselves.

Regardless of whether they are boys or

girls, children may act in ways that others
categorize as feminine or masculine: they
may be assertive, aggressive, dependent,
sensitive, demonstrative, or gentle (Giles &
Heyman, 2005).

Research has shown that when girls and boys

act assertively, girls tend to be criticized as
“bossy,” while boys are more likely to be
praised for being leaders (Martin & Halverson,
1981; Theimer, Killen, & Stangorm, 2001; Martin
& Ruble, 2004, 2009). To avoid this kind of
unintentional gender stereotyping, try to
describe rather than label behavior. “I see
you have a strong idea, and you need your
friends to help with it. Could you let them
choose what they want to do?”

Engage in Discussions about Healthy Gender Development

Different perceptions among adults, whether staff or parents, of gender development can be
used as a basis for discussion. Some staff and parents may feel uncomfortable with a child’s
play when it explores a gender role the adult does not associate with that child’s biological sex.
It can be helpful to remember that play is the way that children explore and make meaning of
their world. Be prepared to have conversations that honor a range of feelings, make space for
questions, address concerns, discuss varied points of view, and offer resources.

You can also offer a developmental perspective on why it’s important to let children explore
different gender roles—once you have a sense that parents seem open to this. For example,
you could start by saying, “I understand that seeing Isaac playing house and wearing an apron
in the kitchen makes you feel uncomfortable. Can you tell me a little more about that?”

After you’ve listened, you may decide that it would be helpful to offer some developmental
information by saying, for example, “We see this kind of play as a way for Isaac to explore the
world around him, try on different ideas, and mirror what he sees family members, community
members, or media characters doing.”

Healthy Gender Development and Young Children 7

Understand Developmentally Appropriate Curiosity about Bodies
Curiosity about people’s bodies is natural for children as they begin to notice differences
and think of themselves as a boy or girl. Yet some exploration is not appropriate in an early
childhood development program. If questions come up in the bathroom or if children want to
learn about their friends’ bodies, let them know that most children have questions about their
bodies and the differences between girls’ and boys’ bodies. That way they won’t feel ashamed
when you remind them that their bodies are private.

If children demonstrate this kind of natural curiosity in your setting, you can share your
observations with the children’s parents and ask them if they want to talk more about it. Parents
may react differently, depending on their comfort level with you and this topic, and on what
they’ve discussed with their children at home.

When your relationship with a parent is strong and trusting, you might say, “I know this can be
uncomfortable to talk about, but I wanted to share an observation I made today. I noticed your
child and a friend were talking about their different body parts on the way to the bathroom. I’m
wondering if you’ve seen the same kind of curiosity at home and if you’ve talked about it?” If
they haven’t, ask if they’d like some ideas about how to answer their children’s questions when
they do come up. Offer resources if they are interested in learning more.

Understanding Differences Between Gender and Sexual Orientation

Gender expression, gender identity and sexual orientation are not the same. Gender identity is
about who you feel you are as a person. Sexual orientation is about the gender of the people
you are sexually attracted to. A young child’s expression of gender-related preferences (in
friends, activities, clothing choices, hairstyle, etc.) does not necessarily predict what their gender
identity or sexual orientation will be later in life (American Psychological Association, 2015).

The age at which gender identity becomes established varies. Gender identity for some children
may be fairly firm when they are as young as two or three years old (AAP, 2015; Balwin & Moses,
1996; Gender Spectrum, 2012; Zosuls et al., 2009). For others it may be fluid until adolescence
and occasionally later.

The age at which an individual becomes aware of their sexual orientation, that is, their
feelings of attraction for one gender or the other or both, also varies. Such feelings may
emerge during childhood, adolescence, or later in life (Campo-Arias, 2010; Gender
Spectrum, 2012). At present, child development experts say there is no way to predict
what a child’s sexual orientation or gender identity will be as an adult (Bryan, 2012).

If parents or staff members have questions or are concerned about a child’s gender
expression, assure them that you and your program are available for ongoing discussions.
Family acceptance of a child’s gender identity is a critical factor in the child’s development
(AAP, 2015; Gender Spectrum, 2012; Ryan et al, 2010). Whatever a child’s emerging
gender identity, one very important message that caring adults can give to young children
is that they are healthy, good human beings. Be prepared to share resources that can help
family members learn more about gender in young children.

8 Healthy Gender Development and Young Children

Interactions with Children, Staff, and Parents
Since young children learn by observing our words and actions, consider these strategies when
dealing with children’s feelings about their own and each other’s gender expression:
■■ Share ideas with other providers about how to stop hurtful, gender-related teasing and
re-direct children to positive activities.
■■ Practice what you want to say and do. See the examples in the next section for
interacting with children and adults.
■■ Know your educational goals and how they are connected to social-emotional
well-being in children.
●● Help children choose kindness.
●● Use instances of teasing as opportunities to help all the children understand other’s
feelings and their own.
●● Help them understand how their words might make their friends feel.
●● Help them to learn to say “I’m sorry” and to show that they really mean it.
●● Talk one-on-one with children who have teased another child. They are often
confused about the hurt they cause and may be frightened by their own actions.
They need to understand that hurting other children is not allowed. But they also
need to know that you have confidence that they can learn to control themselves.
Be sure to let them know that you are ready to forgive them once they have made
a sincere apology.
●● Help children to become resilient. Help those who are hurt by teasing to find simple
responses to put a stop to it and affirm their positive feelings about themselves.

When you hear children making comments similar to the ones below (in italics), you might
consider these responses:

“You can’t play in the kitchen area. You’re a boy!”

■■ “We can all learn together how to make a recipe and clean up the kitchen.”
■■ “I’m going to play in the kitchen with any of the children who like to play there.”

Healthy Gender Development and Young Children 9

“Why does Diego always want to dress like a girl?”
■■ “There are lots of different ways that boys can dress and lots of different ways that girls
can dress.”
■■ “Clothes are clothes. He likes to wear the
clothes that he feels comfortable in.”
“Why does she always play with the boys?”
■■ “Those are the games that she likes to
play, just as there are different games
that you like to play.”
■■ “She can play with whoever she wants
to, just like you.”
“You’re a girl!” (said in an insulting tone to a
child who identifies as a boy).
■■ “It’s not okay to call someone a ‘girl’ to
make them feel bad.”
“Boys are better at sports than girls.”
■■ “Some boys and girls are good at sports,
and some are not. All children have
different things that they are good at.”

When a caregiver shares questions similar to the ones below (in italics), you might consider
these responses:
“Mercedes uses a boy’s name when they play pretend. Her grandmother said not to let her do
that. I can’t go against the grandmother.”
■■ “Let’s talk this over with her grandmother and learn more about her views on this, why
this is important to her, and what she would suggest. We can share our observation that
Mercedes seems to know she disapproves, yet still really seems intent on using a boy’s
name right now in her pretend play. Maybe then we could share with her our view of
this kind of play as a way to use creativity to learn about one’s self and other people.
She may still disagree, but getting this dialogue going would be a good start.”
“Zach’s dad makes fun of him when he sees him playing with girls. Zach now gets nervous
whenever his father comes to pick him up. What can I say to the dad?”
■■ “Zach enjoys playing with the other children in our program. We encourage the boys
and girls to play together to learn from each other.”
“One of the other teachers punishes Taylor when she acts like a boy. What should I do?”
■■ “I noticed that you scolded Taylor when she acted like a boy. Can we talk more about
why you did that? You might remember that our educational approach encourages all
children to play pretend. We believe creativity is a part of learning and development.”

10 Healthy Gender Development and Young Children

“Sometimes parents ask about other children. For example, a parent might say, ‘I heard that
Diego calls himself Isabella now, and he wears dresses every day. Why would his parents let
him do that?’” How can I answer this question and discourage gossip?
■■ “Well, normally I would not discuss details about another child, but in this case I have
talked with Diego’s dad about this and how he would like us to address these types of
questions as they come up. Isabella identifies as a girl and uses female pronouns, such
as “she” and “her.” As early educators, we know some children are very clear at young
ages that their gender expression is not the one they were assigned at birth based on
their biology. Isabella’s parents love her, and they are trying to do what is best for her—
just as you are doing for your child.”

When a provider wants to talk with a child’s parents or guardians about gender-related
teasing, similar to the example below (in italics), you might consider this response:
“A child called a boy a ‘“girl”’ at school today. It seemed intended as an insult. What can I say?”
■■ “Your child usually gets along so well with the other children. So when your child called
a boy a ‘girl,’ as if that were a bad thing, we wanted to be sure to talk this over with you.
Your son is such a leader, and we know he can be a positive one. We want to make sure
that the children know that the words ‘girl’ and ‘boy’ aren’t insults, and that this is a safe
and secure environment for all of them.
Do you have some ideas about how we
can work with your son as we work with
all the children on this?”

Simple Messages You Can Share with All

Children
An essential part of children’s school readiness
is developing self-confidence and resilience.
Research shows that, even in early learning
settings, boys and girls perform less well when
they have negative concepts about their
gender. Comments like “Girls can’t throw!” or
“Boys always get into trouble!” can make them
doubt their natural abilities (Hartley & Sutton,
2013; Del Rio & Strasser, 2013; Wolter, Braun, &
Hannover, 2015).

Early learning environments are important places to teach children language and behavior that
helps them all feel good about who they are and how to recover from the hurts they may cause
each other.

Healthy Gender Development and Young Children 11

Look for opportunities to help children practice positive language they can use with each other.
Here are some examples that you can use to create your own:
■■ “Boys and girls can be good at sports/
writing/sitting still.”
■■ “Girls and boys can be friends with each
other.”
■■ “Everybody can play in the kitchen/tool
area/swing set.”
■■ “Running games are for everyone.”
■■ “Hair is hair. That is how she/he likes it.”
■■ “Boys and girls can wear what they like
at our school.”
■■ “Colors are colors. There aren’t boy
colors or girl colors. All children like
different colors.”

12 Healthy Gender Development and Young Children

Books for Ages 2 and Up
A Fire Engine for Ruthie. Newman, L. (Ages 2–5).
Nana has dolls and dress-up clothes for Ruthie to play with, but Ruthie would rather have a fire
engine.

Of Course They Do! Boys and Girls Can Do Anything. Roger, M.-S, Sol, A., & Jelidi, N. (Ages 2–5).
Attempting to break gender roles, this book depicts boys and girls engaging in activities that are
supposedly associated with the opposite sex. Boys cook, jump rope, take care of babies, and
dance, while girls play sports and drive cars.

Books for Ages 3 and Up

The Story of Ferdinand. Leaf, M., & Lawson, R. (Ages 3–5).
Ferdinand is the world’s most peaceful—and—beloved little bull. While all of the other bulls
snort, leap, and butt their heads, Ferdinand is content to just sit and smell the flowers under his
favorite cork tree.

Who Has What? All About Girls’ Bodies and Boys’ Bodies. Harris, R. H., & Westcott, N. B. (Ages
3–7).
Humorous illustrations, conversations between two siblings, and a clear text all reassure young
kids that whether they have a girl’s body or a boy’s, their bodies are perfectly normal, healthy,
and wonderful. This is helpful for parents or families when their children start to ask questions
about their bodies.

For Ages 4 and Up

Amazing Grace. Hoffman, M. (Ages 4 and up).
Grace loves stories, whether they’re from books, movies, or the kind her grandmother tells. So
when she gets a chance to play a part in Peter Pan, she knows exactly who she wants to be.

Healthy Gender Development and Young Children 13

Ballerino Nate. Bradley, K. B., & Alley, R. W. (Ages 4 and up).
Nate decides he wants to dance after attending a recital, but his older brother tells him that
boys can’t be ballerinas. Nate does wonder why he is the only boy in the class; but with his
mom’s support, Nate follows his dream.

Jacob’s New Dress. Hoffman, S., Hoffman, I., & Case, C. (Ages 4–8).
Jacob loves playing dress-up, when he can be anything he wants to be. Some kids at school say
he can’t wear “girl” clothes, but Jacob wants to wear a dress. Can he convince his parents to let
him wear what he wants?

Kate and the Beanstalk. Osborne, M. P., & Potter, G. (Ages 4–8).
Kate (instead of Jack) trades her family’s cow for magic beans and climbs the beanstalk to find a
kingdom in the clouds.

My Princess Boy. Kilodavis, C., & DeSimone, S. (Ages 4–8).

Dyson loves pink, sparkly things. Sometimes he wears dresses. Sometimes he wears jeans.
He likes to wear his princess tiara, even when climbing trees. He’s a Princess Boy.

The Paper Bag Princess. Munsch, R. (Ages 4 and up).

Princess Elizabeth is slated to marry Prince Ronald when a dragon attacks the castle and
kidnaps Ronald. In resourceful and humorous fashion, Elizabeth finds the dragon, outsmarts
him, and rescues Ronald—who is less than pleased at her un-princess-like appearance.

The Princess Knight. Funke, C. (Ages 4–7).

Despite the taunting of her brothers, Princess Violetta becomes a talented knight, and when her
father proposes to give her hand in marriage to the knight who wins a tournament, Violetta uses
her brains as well as her brawn to outwit him.

Red: A Crayon’s Story. Hall, M. (Ages 4–8).

Red has a bright red label, but he is, in fact, blue. His teacher tries to help him be red (let’s draw
strawberries!), his mother tries to help him be red by sending him out on a play date with a
yellow classmate (go draw a nice orange!), and the scissors try to help him be red by snipping
his label so that he has room to breathe. But Red just can’t be red, no matter how hard he tries!
Finally, a new friend offers a brand-new perspective, and Red discovers what readers have
known all along. He’s blue!

14 Healthy Gender Development and Young Children

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