Torquay Academy 2014

HAIRSPRAY SCRIPT 2014

SCENE 1- “Good Morning Baltimore”

SCENE 2- “THE NICEST KIDS IN TOWN”

CORNY COLLINS
Hey there teenage Baltimore! Don't change that channel.

'Cause it's time for The Corny Collins Show!

Brought to you by Ultra Clutch Hairspray.
For hair that even stands up in a NASA wind tunnel.

Every afternoon
When the clock strikes four

COUNCIL
Bop-bee-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, bee-ba

CORNY
A crazy bunch of kids
Crash through that door yeah

COUNCIL
bop-bee-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, bee-ba

Well they throw off their coats

And leave the squares behind
And then they shake it, shake it, shake it
Like they're losing their mind
You'll never see them frown
'Cause they're the nicest kids in town

So every afternoon
You turn your T.V. on

COUNCIL
Na, na, na, na, na, na-na-na-na.

CORNY
And we know you turn the sound up
When your parents are gone, yeah

COUNCIL
Na, na, na, na, na, na-na-na-na

CORNY
And then you twist and shout
For your favourite star
And when you've practiced every step
That's in your repertoire
You better come on down
And meet the nicest kids in town.

TRACY
Hurry, Penny, hurry – the show’s already started we're missing it!

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PENNY
I’m hurrying Tracy, but my mom says I'm not allowed to perspire!

TRACY
C’mon

PRUDY
Edna, is my laundry ready?

EDNA
Who wants to know?

PRUDY
Prudy Pingleton Miss Edna. Is my laundry ready?

EDNA
Sure it is Prudy. Come on up. That'll be $3.00, hon.

PRUDY
That's pretty pricey for a pair of pettIpants.

EDNA
Well, I'm sorry, Prudy Pingleton but some-a your personal stains required pounding with a rock.

PRUDY
I'm sure I don't know what you mean.

(Tracy and Penny enter)

TRACY
I’m home!

EDNA
Four o’clock. Guess I don’t need to ask who got hair detention again. Tracy Turnblad, mind your
manners and say hello to our guest.

TRACY
Hello Mrs. Pingleton.

EDNA
And you, Penny?

PENNY
Oh my God its Mrs Pingleton…I mean…Mother

(Penny hides)

EDNA
Teenagers, they just love watching that Corny Collins.

PRUDY
Delinquents. It ain’t right dancing to that ‘kind of’ music.

CORNY
Nice rich kids
Who like to lead the way
And once a month
We have our ‘down and out day’
And I'm the man who keeps it spinnin' round
Mr. Corny Collins
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With the latest, greatest Baltimore sound!!

So every afternoon
Drop everything woo!

COUNCIL
Bop-bee-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, bee-ba.

CORNY
Who needs to read and write
When you can dance and sing?

COUNCIL
Bop-bee-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, bee-ba.

CORNY
Forget about your algebra
And calculus
You can always do your homework
On the morning bus
Can't tell a verb from a noun
They're the nicest kids in town

CORNY AND THE COUNCIL

R- r-r-roll call!

AMBER
I'm Amber.

BRAD
Brad.

TAMMY
Tammy.

FENDER
Fender.

BRENDA
Brenda.

SKETCH
Sketch.

SHELLEY
Shelley.

IQ
IQ.

LOU ANN
Lou Ann.

JOEY
Joey.

KYLIE
Kylie

VICKI
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vicki.

BECKY
Becky.

BIX
Bix.

JESSE
Jesse.

DARLA
Darla.

HOLLY
Holly

NOREEN
Noreen.

DOREEN
Doreen.

LINK
And I'm... Link.

TRACY
Oh, Link, kiss me again and again.

EDNA
They must think my ears are garbage cans. Would you turn that racket down? I'm tryin' to iron here.

TRACY:
Ma, it's not a racket. It's The Corny Collins Show.

EDNA:
Well, it's turning your brains into mud.

CORNY
So, if every night you're shaking
As you lie in bed

COUNCIL
Pony-pony, ooh, pony-pony.

CORNY
And the bass and drums
Are pounding in your head

COUNCIL
mony-mony, ooh, mony-mony

CORNY
Who cares about sleep
When you can snooze in
School?

They'll never get to college

But they sure look cool
Don't need a cap and a gown
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When you’re the nicest

Kids in town

Sugar and spicest

Nicest kids in...

CORNY AND COUNCIL

Kids in town!
Woo!

COUNCIL MEMBERS
The Stricken Chicken!
(this is happening quietly in the background)

TRACY:
Mom, it's a new dance! The Stricken Chicken.

PRUDY:
Well, I can't hear myself think.

EDNA:
How am I supposed to negotiate pleats?

PRUDY:
You're letting her listen to ‘that’ music again? My daughter spends every afternoon at choir practice.

EDNA:
Oh, really? Well, your daughter hap- (TRACY TRIES TO STOP HER MUM GIVING AWAY THE FACT
THAT PENNY IS HIDING)

TRACY:
Ohh, ohh.

EDNA:
Oh, what is that? The Wavin' Raven?

PRUDY:
She seems a little twitchy.

EDNA:
Oh, you wanna play Charades now Tracy

TRACY:
…All right.

PENNY (Revealing herself)

Ooh Charades. OK, go ahead.

PRUDY:
You. (She grabs hold of Penny)Penny.

PENNY:
No. Ahh!

EDNA:
Tracy Turnblad, are you tryin' to tell me that Penny didn't get permission from her mother to be here?

PRUDY:
Penny!
.
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PENNY:
What?

PRUDY:
You are banned from this house. You will never watch that show again!

PENNY:
Without that show I have nothing!

PRUDY:
Having nothing builds character! Toodle-oo, Edna! (They exit)

CORNY:
Give 'em a hand, folks. And, once again that's the Stricken Chicken. We will be right back for some
more of that hot Detroit sound.

VELMA (Walks on stage)

And we're off! All right people, how many times do I have to tell you? We do not touch ourselves –
anywhere – while on camera. Tammy, lose the padding. You too, Fender. And Link, stop hogging the
camera: you’re not Elvis yet. Amber…Hog the camera.

AMBER
Yes Mother.

VELMA
And you Mr Collins. "Detroit sound"? What's that, the cries of people being mugged? You have
something against Doris Day?

CORNY
Aw, Velma, the kids dig the rhythm and blues, they can’t get enough.

VELMA
Yeah, they're kids, Corny. That's why we have to steer them in the rich direction.

CORNY
Which direction?

(VELMA IGNORES HIS COMMENT AND SHE WALKS OFF TOWARDS WHERE AMBER, LINK
AND SOME OF THE COUNCIL MEMBERS ARE TALKING)

AMBER
You try that again and there'll be stumps where your feet should be. You got that? You little whor-

LINK
Amber.

AMBER
...holy moly. Baby. Good job dancing today.

LINK
I’ve got something for you. I figured since we’ve been going together sort of…steadily…maybe we
should make it official.

AMBER
Oh Link. Your Council Member ring. How sweet. And it matches my hair colour exactly!

(THEY KISS)

VELMA
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Ah! None of that! Save your personal lives for the camera and we are live…… 5,4,3,2,1

(they all rish around Corny infront of the camera)

CORNY
Now don’t forget guys and Gidgets – our very first prime-time spectacular is coming up on June 6 th.
We’ll be live at Baltimore’s brand-new Eventorium broadcasting nationwide.
Talent scouts will be on hand from all of the major record labels, and sponsoring the event will be
none other than our own Ultra Clutch Hairspray. So let’s give a great big fawning Baltimore salute to
the President of Ultra Clutch, Harriman. F. Spritzer.

(SPRITZER NERVOUSLY STEPS OUT AND WAVES TO THE ROOM)

SPRITZER
Ultra Clutch is happy to bring you fine youngsters to national attention.

COUNCIL MEMBERS
Our big break!

CORNY
Also, live on the special we’ll be crowning your choice for Miss Teenage Hairspray 1962

AMBER
My big break!
(They all freeze)

EDNA (LOOKING AT THE TV)

Well, isn’t she a nice slim girl.

TRACY
I guess Amber’s pretty but she can't even dance.
Oh, Link. I can dance so much better than her. Why don't you notice me at school? (SHE KISSES
THE TV SCREEN) Mm-hmm. Oh no, she’s wearing Link’s ring. I think I’m going to kill myself.

AMBER (READING FROM A CUE CARD)

Hey gang, don’t forget to watch Mom and me next Thursday on Mother-Daughter Day. And I want to
be your Miss Teenage Hairspray. Remember, a vote for me from you is a vote for me.

CORNY
What an unexpected ad-lib Amber. And talking of unexpected, our very own fun-loving, free-wheeling
Brenda will be taking a leave of absence from the show. How long you gonna be gone, Brenda?

BRENDA
Just nine months.

CORNY
Seems like we'll have an opening here on the show for a girl who is just as fun-lovin' but maybe not
quite as freewheelin'. Wanna be one-a the nicest kids in town? Cut school tomorrow and come down
to station WYZT to audition. (Black out on them)

SCENE 3- MAMA I’M A BIG GIRL NOW

(Tracey looks at her mother smiling)

EDNA
No.
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TRACY
But, Ma.

EDNA
Don't test me, Tracy Turnblad. No one is auditioning for anything in this household.

TRACY
But why not? Why not?!

EDNA
Because dancing is not your future. One day you're gonna own Edna's Occidental Laundry.

TRACY
I don't wanna be a laundress. I wanna be famous!

EDNA
Look, if you wanna be famous learn how to take blood outta car upholstery. That's a skill you can take
right to the bank.

(WILBUR ENTERS)

WILBUR
Hey, hey. What's all this ruckus in here?

EDNA
Not a word.

TRACY
Daddy, tomorrow I'm auditioning to dance on a TV show.

EDNA
No, she is not.

WILBUR
You are?

EDNA
First the hair, now this? You’re going to have to go further than that to get around me, young lady. No
one’s auditioning for anything. And what did I tell you about that hair? All ratted up like a teenage
Jezebel.

WILBUR
But all the kids are battin' up their hair now, hon.

EDNA
You're no help.

TRACY
It's "ratting," Daddy. And our first lady Jacqueline Kennedy, rats her hair.

EDNA
Well, you ain’t no first lady, are ya? She’s a hair-hopper – that’s what got her put in detention again.

(TAKING WILBUR ASIDE)

Wilbur, talk to her. Girls like Tracy…people like us…you know what I’m saying. They don’t put people
like us on TV – except to be laughed at.

WILBUR
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Tracy, this TV thing…you really want it?

TRACY
Dancing on that show is my dream. Mum wouldn't know a dream if it bit her on the nose.

EDNA
Well, I have information for you, missy. I once had a dream that I owned a coin-operated Laundromat
and I came down from that cloud real quickly, I'll tell you that.

WILBUR
Tracy, if you want it then you go for it! This is America, babe. You gotta think big to be big.

EDNA
Being big ain't the problem in this family, Wilbur.

TRACY
Thanks Daddy.

EDNA
Tracy, come back up here. I’ve got hampers of laundry and my diet pills are wearing off!

(FOCUS SHIFTS TO PENNY AND PRUDY.)

PENNY
But Mom, all I was doing was watching Corny Collins over at Tracy’s.

PRUDY
Didn’t I forbid you from listening to that music? Oh, if the public ever locate your father he’ll punish you
good.

(FOCUS SHIFTS TO AMBER AND VELMA)

VELMA
Your dancing was atrocious today, Amber. I’m willing to lie, cheat and steal to win you that Miss
Hairspray crown, but you’ve got to work with me. Now let me at that zit!

EDNA
Stop! That’s no way to treat clean clothes. One day you’ll own “Edna’s Occidental Laundry”. Will you
be ready?

TRACY
I hope not.

PRUDY
Don’t contradict me!

VELMA
Don’t disobey me!

EDNA
Don’t even think about going to that audition. ( SONG: MAMA I’M A BIG GIRL NOW)

SCENE 4- THE AUDITION (I can hear the bells and Miss Baltimore
Crabs)

(EAGER STUDENT IS JUST FINISHING SINGING A TERRBLE SONG AND DOING AN AWFUL
DANCE-she walks off)

LOU ANN
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That’s it Mrs. Von Tussle. She was the last candidate.

VELMA
Really? That’s all? Who would’ve guessed that Baltimore girls were all such scags? Oh! This town
sure has gone downhill since I was crowned Miss Baltimore Crabs.

(TRACY AND PENNY ENTER OUT OF BREATH. THE COUNCIL STARTS TO BREAK UP.)

TRACY
Phew! I thought we’d never get here. Stupid bus crash.

PENNY
All my life I imagined what this place looked like. This wasn’t it!

TRACY (to Velma)

Hi there. Am I too late to audition?

VELMA
Not too late dear. Just too much.

PENNY
Tracy. Look, it’s Link!

TRACY
Link Larkin. So near and yet so gorgeous. Penny, pinch me!....... Ow!

PENNY
You told me to.

TRACY
I can't believe I'm really here auditioning.

PENNY
I can't believe I'm really here watching you audition.

LINK (AS HE BUMPS IN TO TRACY)

Ah, whoa. Sorry, little darlin'. Hope I didn't dent your 'do. See y'all later.

(ALL FREEZE EXCEPT TRACY AND PENNY

SONG: “I CAN HEAR THE BELLS”

TRACY
I can hear the bells

PENNY
Tracy, are you all right?

TRACY
Well, don't-cha hear 'em chime?

PENNY
I don’t hear anything.

(The song ends. The Councilettes, led by AMBER interrogate TRACY)

AMBER
And what are you doing here?

TRACY
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I came to audition for Corny. My name is Tract Turnblad. And, like you, I go to Patterson Park High…

LOU-ANN
I’ve seen you.

DOREEN
Who could miss her?

NOREEN
Aren’t you usually in detention about now?

TRACY
I cut school to come down here. Isn’t that too cool? I’m a little nervous, can I start over? I assure you
I’ll calm down, right after I have a heart attack

(MUSIC IN)

Well, I brought my own 45s, so if you put ‘em on, I’ll show you my stuff!

PAULIE
Haven’t you already shown us enough?

Song: “THE LEGEND OF MISS BALTIMORE CRABS”

TRACY
Um... Thank you?

PENNY
I think they secretly liked you. (They walk off)

SCENE 5- DETENTION (Ladies Choice)

(Tracey runs in to her classroom late because of the audition)

(can only see shadows behind screen!)

GEOGRAPHY TEACHER:
Cutting my class Tracy Turnblad? I trust it was for something really important?

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TRACY:
It should have been…..

GEOGRAPHY TEACHER
Detention Tracey! (Gives her a slip of paper as the bell goes)

(LIGHTS UP ON DETENTION CLASS. SEAWEED, LORRAINE, GILBERT, THAD, DUANE AND

TOOIE- they are dancing to some music as Tracey walks in)

DUANNE
What are you looking at?

RHONDA
Can I help you?

TRACY
(smiling and watching them all dancing- moves towards Seaweed) Hey, that move’s swift.

SEAWEED
The man can dine me on a diet of detention so long as he don’t starve me of my tunes… here's a little
something signified to say, “Hello, my name is Seaweed J Stubbs. What's yours, baby?

TRACY
I'm Tra-cy Turn-blad!

GILBERT
Not bad for a rich chick.

SEAWEED
Ain’t no class system in here. Detention is for everybody!

TRACY
What’s that step called?

SEAWEED
Oh, this? I call it the "Peyton Place After Midnight”. I use it to attract, uh, the opposite sex.

(TRACY JUMPS IN AND DANCES WITH HIM)

Fearless girl. You really got it going on.

TRACY
Gosh. Thanks. Hey, I know where I've seen you before. On Corny's show on ‘Down and out day’!

LORRAINE
Of course you have. His Mom hosts the show.

TRACY
Your Mom is Motormouth Maybelle, the DJ? That makes you like royalty. ‘Down and out’ day is the
best! I wish it was on every day!

SEAWEED
At our house, it is.

TRACY
Hey. Wait You know, Corny's hosting the school hop tonight. If he saw me dancin' like that with you
maybe he'd put me on his show.

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GILBERT
If you two dance together in public; the only show you’ll be on is the ten o’clock news.

TRACY
Well can I atleast borrow it?…Oh please Seaweed?

SEAWEED
Well…….Sure you can…come on ( they run off stage left))

(Stage right enter the school hop is frozen- comes to life-

Corny Collins: Good evening girls and guys and welcome to the school hop. Tonight we have the teen
heart throb Mr Link Larkin performing just for you so get your dancing shoes on and away we go!

SONG: LADIES CHOICE dancers are dancing- Tracey and Seaweed enter- join their sides of the
dance -spotlight on tracey dancing and everyine else freezes- Link and Corny Collins spot her)

Scene 6- SUCCESS (NICEST KIDS IN TOWN- PRE RECORDED?)

COUNCIL
Oh-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo
Oh-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo
Oh-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo
Hoot hoot hoot hoot-oot

CORNY
Hey there teenage Baltimore. You’re just in time for The Corny Collins Show.

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SPRITZER
Brought to you by Ultra Clutch.

(FOCUS SWITCHES TO TURNBLAD HOUSE)

PENNY
Hurry Mr. Turnblad And hurry Mrs. Turnblad!

EDNA
Hey, look out!

PENNY
Mrs. Turnblad! Mr. Turnblad, come quick!

WILBUR
Well, why are we watchin' this?

EDNA
Penny Pingleton. This had better be good. You know your mother banned you from watching Corny
Collins.

PENNY
Just watch.
(they turn on the TV)

TRACY
And I’m…Tracy!

(WILBUR, EDNA AND PENNY SHRIEK)

CORNY
So, if every night you're shaking
As you lie in bed

WILBUR, EDNA AND PENNY

Go Tracy! Go Tracy!

CORNY AND COUNCIL

And the bass and drums
Are pounding in your head

Who cares about sleep

When you can snooze in school
They’ll never get to college
But they sure look cool

Don't need a cap or a gown

Cause they’re the nicest kids in town

They’re the
Nicest, nicest
They’re the
Nicest, nicest
Sugar and spice-est, nicest
Kids in town, whoo!

CORNY
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Yeah! That was the dance of the week, Peyton Place After Midnight introduced to you by our brand
new Council member, Miss Tracy Turnblad.

(TURNBLAD’S)

EDNA
Oh. My word! Tracy! Live here in our living room.
Oh, Wilbur, to think that I almost stopped her from reaching for the stars. And now here she is on local
daytime TV.

PENNY
She's gonna be a regular Mrs Turnblad

EDNA
Imagine, my little girl, regular at last.

(PHONE RINGS)

Yes, this is Tracy Turnblad’s family home. No, I am NOT her father!

(STUDIO)

VELMA
I don't know what happened, Mr. Spritzer. Corny had some sort of aneurysm or something and
picked… her.

CORNY
So let’s wave a wistful farewell to Brenda. See you next year Brenda. And give a big Corny Collins’
“hello” to our brand-new Council Member, Miss Tracy Turnblad. So, Trace, come on, cozy up to old
Corny and tell us all about yourself.

TRACY
Well Corny, I go to Patterson Park High, I watch The Corny Collins Show and I do absolutely nothing
else! But someday I hope to be the first woman president or a Rockette.

CORNY
And if you were president, Tracy what would your first official act be?

TRACY
Hmm…I'd make every day ‘down and out day’!

VELMA AND SPRITZER

Aaaaaiiiiieeeeeeeeee!!!!!

(THEY RUN OFF IN HORROR)

SPRITZER
How do you plan to handle this Mrs.Von Tussle? I want that chubby communist girl off the show.

VELMA
Well, let me be the first to toss the harpoon. She's a corrupting influence!

SPRITZER
I agree. We don't want our dancers thrusting like savages!

CORNY
Look, now I got some new ideas for the show. First, we get rid-of ‘down and out day’!

VELMA
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Finally, some sense outta you.

CORNY
And we mix those kids in with the rest-a the Council.

SPRITZER
Mix those kids?

CORNY
That's right, I said it.

VELMA
Maybe it is time for some fresh ideas like-like a nice, fresh new host!

CORNY
Gee, Velma, how do you fire Corny Collins from The Corny Collins Show?

(HE EXITS LAUGHING)

SCENE 7- (WELCOME TO THE SIXTIES)

(THE TURNBLAD HOME, EDNA IS FRAZZLED FROM HOURS ON THE ‘PHONE. AS THE SCENE
STARTS SHE IS ONCE MORE ON THE ‘PHONE)

(THE ‘PHONE RINGS AGAIN)

EDNA
Hello?

MR PINKY
Is this the Turnblad residence?

EDNA
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Yes.

MR. PINKY
Mr. Pinky speakin'.

EDNA
Mr. Pinky from-from the dress shop?

MR. PINKY
Uh-huh. I'd like Tracy for our spokes-girl.

EDNA
You want Tracy to do what?

MR. PINKY
Be our spokes-girl.

EDNA
Be a spokes-girl?

MR PINKY
I think she'd be perfect. I'd like to meet her and discuss the details. As soon as possible.

EDNA
OK, um, well, we'll have send someone down to meet you.

MR. PINKY
Tonight, if you can.

EDNA
Um, oh, OK. Bye-bye, Mr. Pinky.

MR PINKY
Bye-bye.

TRACY
The Mr. Pinky? From Mr. Pinky's hefty hideaway! A spokesgirl?!

EDNA
Mm-hmm.

TRACY
Oh, tell me I get a free caftan, tell me!

EDNA
Oh, Tracy, I think perks like caftans have to be negotiated. Maybe we should get you an agent.

TRACY
OK. You be my agent.

EDNA
What? Tracy Turnblad has fame gone to your head and made you wacky?

TRACY
Well, why not? Who's goin' to look out for me better than my mom?

EDNA
Me, an agent? You see me hobnobbin' and drinkin' rum and cokes with all those hoi pollois?

TRACY
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And out-negotiating them.

EDNA
Oh, you're crazy. Oh, Tracy, I haven't left this house in-in years.

TRACY
Then isn't it time you did?

EDNA
Oh, no, Tracy. We'll have your father meet with him. I don't wanna be seen like this.

TRACY
Why not?

EDNA
I'll do it after my next diet. That's when I'll do it. Ya see, the neighbours haven't seen me since I was a
size 10. Don't make me do it, Tracy.

TRACY
Ma, it's changing out there. You'll like It. People who are different: Their time is coming.

SONG:“WELCOME TO THE SIXTIES”

MR PINKY
There's my shining star! Fantastic to meet you! I'm Mr. Pinky.

TRACY
It's so nice to meet you.

MR. PINKY
Ha ha! Tracy, is this your older sister?

EDNA
Oh, my.

MR PINKY
Perhaps she'd like some complimentary couture.

EDNA
Couture?

MR. PINKY
Now, if you'll just sign here.

EDNA
Flattery will not distract Miss Turnblad's agent from reading the fine print.

MR. PINKY
Her agent?

EDNA
Tracy, eat your donuts. Let's talk. Mm-hmm. All right, let's see here. All right. Now. Mmm. Uh-uh. Uh-
uh. No! I want a non-exclusive contract. Extensions by mutual option. And I want you to absorb my
15% commission.

MR PINKY
Not a dime over 10!

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EDNA
Throw in a bustier?

MR. PINKY
Hmm. 54 double D?

EDNA
Triple E.

MR. PINKY
Oh Mama I hit the mother lode!

END OF WELCOME TO THE SIXTIES

Scene 8- DODGEBALL

(SCHOOL: VARIOUS COUNCIL MEMBERS ARE LIMBERING UP IN THEIR GYM STUFF,

INCLUDING SHELLY (WEARING A TRACY WIG), AMBER, THE TWINS, LINK, EAGER STUDENT,
TWO OR THREE OF THE BOYS. THERE IS A MEAN LOOKING GYM COACH AS WELL)

AMBER
What is that supposed to be?

SHELLY
Isn’t it the dreamiest? It’s called “The Tracy”. Everyone who is anyone has one.

GYM TEACHER
Gather up students and get ready for scatter dodge ball. Pro style!

TAMMY
Is it true they put her in Special Ed?
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AMBER
Yep. Tracy Turnblad is a tramp and she’s retarded: she’s slow and fast at the same time!

(TRACY, SEAWEED AND THE OTHER SPECIAL ED KIDS ENTER: EVERYONE ELSE LAUGHS)

FENDER
Hey, here they come! Special Ed!

LINK
That ain’t cool Fender.

TRACY
Oh Link, if fate forces you to throw the ball at me today, seal it with a kiss.

SEAWEED
Got a prayer for me too? This game can get pretty vicious.

TRACY
What is scatter-ball anyway?

SEAWEED
Kinda like a protest rally. Looks like a good idea until the police turn up and then you better scatter
and dodge.

PENNY
Hi Tracy. Sorry about your Special-edness…see it as a testament to the record-breaking extremes
your hair has reached. I’m so jealous!

(NOTICING SEAWEED)

Oh, hello.

TRACY
Seaweed. This is my very best friend, Penny Pingleton.

SEAWEED
Hey, I’ve seen you before.

PENNY
Oh…
AMBER
Well Tracy Tugboat, you finally found a title you can win easily, Miss Special Ed!

LINK
Knock it off Amber.

TRACY
Amber Von Tussle, you have acne of the soul.

GYM TEACHER
Right! Let war commence!

(GAME BEGINS- EVENTUALLY AMBER GETS THE BALL AND THROWS IT STRAIGHT AT
TRACY)

AMBER
Hey, Thunder Thighs, dodge this!

TRACY
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You throw like a girl.

(FENDER THROWS THE BALL AT SEAWEED’S HEAD)

SEAWEED
Hey, mind my head man.

LINK
Everyone be cool. This isn’t World War 3.

(AMBER SNATCHES THE BALL FROM HIM AND TAKES AIM DEAD AT TRACY’S HEAD)

AMBER
Say’s you! Eat dodge ball, Trampy Ton-O-Lard.

(SHE THROWS THE BALL STRAIGHT AT TRACY’S HEAD: SHE FALL UNCONSCIOUS TO THE
GROUND.)

GYM TEACHER
Oh, just when it was getting to be fun. Right, game over. Class dismissed. Shower time!

(MOST EXIT, LEAVING LINK,PENNY, SEAWEED, AMBER AND TRACY)

AMBER
Poor old Heffalump. I forgot to cry. Oh boo hoo. Oh boo hoo. Come along Link.

LINK
Amber, that wasn’t necessary.

AMBER
I said, “come along Link”.

LINK
In a minute.

AMBER
I’ll be waiting in my car.

(SHE EXITS: THE OTHERS GO TO TRACY’S AID)

PENNY
Oh, Tracy. Are you alright?

LINK
Tracy, Tracy? How are you? Gee, you’re beautiful when you’re unconscious!

(“I CAN HEAR THE BELLS” FAINTLY IN BACKGROUND ON TUBULAR BELLS)

TRACY
Where am I? Oh. Link. (she gets up slowly)
……….Link, this is my friend Seaweed.

LINK
How you doing?

SEAWEED
How you doing?

PENNY
How you doing?
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TRACY
How d’ya think? I just got creamed in front of the whole school.

SEAWEED
My mom's havin' a platter party tonight. Y'all wanna come check it out?

TRACY
Now?!

PENNY
Would you mind if I, too, checked it out?

TRACY
I've never been to North Avenue before.

LINK
Uh, well, would it be safe? You know, for us?

SEAWEED
Calm down, cracker boy. It's cool.

PENNY
Wow. Imagine being invited places by your kind of people!

TRACY
It feels so hip!

I'm glad y'all feel that way 'cause, uh, not many people do.
Song: “RUN AND TELL THAT”

SCENE 9- RECORD STORE (Kids are all dancing)

(MOTORMOUTH MAYBELLE ENTERS)

MOTORMOUTH
There’s platters of tunes and food on the table. What else would you expect from…

ALL
Motormouth Maybelle!

SEAWEED
Mama, I brought some friends.

MOTORMOUTH
Whoop-dee-doo, what a coup! The ever sparkin’ Sir Link Larkin!

LINK
Always nice to see you, Ms Motormouth.

PENNY
I’m Penny Lou Pingleton and I'm very pleased and scared to be here.

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MOTORMOUTH
You’re welcome, kitten, to come and sit in.

TRACY
Can I say how thrilled I am to meet you, Miz Motormouth? I’m Seaweed’s friend, Tracy.

MOTORMOUTH
Oh, yes, indeedy I’ve seen you sweetie. All aglow on Corny’s Show.

TRACY
Gee, thanks. But I’m only there because of your son.

SEAWEED
Enough talk. We came to dance. Let’s play some hide and seek!

TRACY, PENNY AND LINK

The Dirty Boogie!

(THEY ARE ALL DANCING WHEN AMBER BURSTS IN)

AMBER
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!Link! What are you doing in this huge
crowd of minorities?

LINK
Trying to fit in. what are you doing?

AMBER
I waited in my new car until I got cramp in my legs, then I saw you get on the North Avenue bus and I
followed you here in my new car.

LINK
We’re having a blast. Come, jump on in.

(THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN AGAIN: VELMA THIS TIME)

VELMA
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!Amber! Has anyone touched you?

MOTORMOUTH
Y’all better hustle. Here’s Von Tussle.

VELMA
I saw you getting into your darling new car so I followed you in mine. Motormouth are you
brainwashing these children?

MOTORMOUTH
They’re only dancing.

TRACY
Yeah, we’re dancing.

VELMA
Ha! I should’ve known you’d be at the bottom of this!
Come on Amber. Let’s get back to the right side of the tracks, if our cars are still there.

AMBER
Let’s go Link.

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LINK
Amber, you’re being rude to these people.

VELMA (as if to a dog)

Amber. Come!

AMBER (just like Mama)

Link. Come!

(HE DOESN’T MOVE)

Link! Come!

LINK
Amber. Go.

AMBER
Whatever happened to the bland, spineless boy I fell in love with? Mother, come.

(SHE MARCHES OUT THE DOOR)

VELMA
With pleasure

(THEY ARE GONE. A PAUSE AND THEN…)

LITTLE INEZ
Are all rich people like that?

Motormouth
No hunny! It’s just how society has made some of them!

TRACY
Well I know how we can start changing that. If kids saw us dancing together on TV they’d realise that
we’re not so different after all. We just want to have a good time.

Motormouth
Well hunny that aint ever gonna happen…………’down and out’ day has been cut from the show
(music stops- everyone reacts to this) I’m sorry kids….it seems our slot was a nice little place holder
but it was time to get some ratings. I didn’t want to tell you all up front. I just wanted to have a little fun
tonight.

Little Inez
But I practised so hard! Now I’ll never get a chance to be on the show!

Motormouth
Oh you will be seen baby I promise!

Tracy
Well now you should definitely come and dance with us on our show.

SEAWEED
Tracey we can’t! We aint never been allowed to dance on TV together!

TRACY
Well if not dance….then maybe we should just march!

Motormouth
……..That will get some big old ratings! Hhmmmm and a better time slot too like the 11o’clock news!
What do we say guys?
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(Everyone cheering and getting stuff ready!)

LINK (pulling Tracy to one side)

Tracy, you can’t do this. You’re new to the Council. You’ll be blackballed and thrown off the show for
sure.

TRACY
That’s why we’re all doing it together.

LINK
Not me.

TRACY
You don’t think segregation is wrong?

LINK
I like these people. But whether or not they’re on TV won’t get me a recording contract.

(Realizes this sounds really shallow)

That came out wrong. I’ve been singing on that show for three years waiting for it to lead to my break.
You’ve got everything: brains, talent, personality. Me? I’ve got one chance to get seen nationwide.
Saturday night is everything I’ve worked for. I’m not gonna throw it away. C’mon, I’m leaving and you
gotta too.

TRACY
No! I want to do this, and so should you.

LINK
It’s getting too complicated And, there’s still Amber.

See ya little darling.

(HE EXITS).

PENNY
I’m sorry, Tracy.

TRACY
Oh Penny…how could I think Link Larkin would ever care about someone like me?

PENNY
Why wouldn’t he? You’re a amazing Tracy!

TRACY
Thanks Penny (they hug) right……we have a job to do……come on lets do this!

MOTORMOUTH
Tracy are you sure you want to do this?

TRACY
I never would have gotten on the show without Seaweed. It’s payback time.

Motormouth
Your gonna pay a heavy price for this- you may never dance on TV again.

TRACY
If I can’t dance with Seaweed or Little Inez then I don’t want to dance on TV at all. I just want
tomorrow to be better.
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SONG: “I KNOW WHERE I’VE BEEN”

After song- blackout- sound of police sirens

INTERVAL

ACT TWO

Scene 1- Turnblad home

(WILBUR AND EDNA’S HOUSE. WILBUR IS WORKING ON A GIANT CAN OF HAIRSPRAY. EDNA
IS watching TV)

(On the Tv screen- news programme about the protest and that Tracey is missing.)

(The phone rings….she rushes to the phone)

EDNA
Hello? Tracey????...Oh Yes Mr. Pinky. Yes, of course I understand you have an empire to protect.
Yes, I’ll return the outfits. The pettipants too. I scarcely wore them twice…but Mr Pinky, she’s just a
little girl and little girl’s make mistakes. If they didn’t where would other little girls come from?
Yes, I understand…it is too bad…goodbye.

(SHE HANGS UP AND GOES INTO HYSTERICS)

Oh, Wilbur, I think I’m going mental!

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WILBUR
I’m closing up.

EDNA
Oh Wilbur, my stomach’s in knots. I bought a double box of Twinkies and they’re still all in the box.

WILBUR
Calm down sweetheart.

EDNA
I can’t calm down. We don’t know where our little girl is and the whole neighbourhood will be talking
about us and saying that I am a bad and crazy mother!

WILBUR
You can’t worry about people calling you names. You know how many times I’ve been called “crazy”?
But I say “yeah, crazy. Crazy like a loon.” And look what I have? A successful jokestore business, a
beautiful wife and daughter……

EDNA
Oh sure! You’re a visionary inventor! Tracy’s a teen idol reshaping the world. And what am I? I had a
dream too you know. I used to make all my own clothes, remember? Until I wandered beyond the
boundaries of the XXXXXXXL (sextuple extra, extra large) sizing chart. But I always dreamed that one
day I would own my own line of queen-sized dress patterns.

WILBUR
You were good Edna

EDNA
Yeah? And where’s it gotten me? Twenty years later I’m still washing and mending and ironing
everyone else’s clothing.

WILBUR
One day, Edna.

EDNA
No day, Wilbur. My time has come and gone. I’m a worn out pair of Bobby Sox, and the elastics all
stretched. Oh Wilbur, I suddenly feel so old.

WILBUR
Nonsense doll. You’re as spry as a slinky. Whenever I’m near you it’s like grabbing hold of a giant joy
buzzer.

SONG: “YOU’RE TIMELESS TO ME.”

(at the end of the song they go off stage…..The phone rings again……Edna (in
a dressing gown) runs to the phone!)

Edna
Hello? …….Arrested? (Blackout)

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Scene 2: TRACY’S JAIL CELL AND PENNY’S BEDROOM

(TRACY’S CELL LATE AT NIGHT. LINK SLIPS IN STEALTHILY)

LINK
Tracy? Where are you? It’s me. Link!

TRACY
Link! Over here!

LINK
Shhh! The guard’s asleep. Gee, you look beautiful behind bars.

TRACY
It must be the low-watt, institutional lighting. Link, what are you doing here?

LINK
Oh, Tracy, seeing you dragged off to jail brought me to my senses. I thought I’d lose it when I thought
I’d lost you. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t even sing.

TRACY
You couldn’t eat?

LINK (SUDDENLY ROMANTIC)

I know a fool like me isn’t worthy of a ground-breaking extremist like you but…
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(HE PRODUCES HIS RING)

…it’s a little scuffed from Amber throwing it in my face when I told her I’d rather be with you.

TRACY
You did?

LINK
I did. So would you consider wearing my ring?

TRACY
Would I? Would I?

LINK
“To lose thee were to lose myself.” Some kid named Milton wrote that in the toilets.

TRACY
It’s beautiful.

(SHE PUTS THE RING ON)

I have a good life: great parents, my own room, stacks of 45s, three sweaters, plus a learner’s driving
licence until August. But you know what I’ve been missing Link?

LINK
I think I do.

(THEY TRY TO KISS THROUGH THE BARS)

Trace, they can keep us from kissing, but they can’t stop us from singing.

(THE LIGHTS DIM ON THE JAIL AND BRIGHTEN ON PENNY’S BEDROOM. PRUDY IS TYING
PENNY TO THE BED.)

PRUDY
Penny Lou Pingleton, you are absolutely, positively, permanently punished. This one’s for being wilful.
This one’s for being deceitful. This one’s for being neglectful. And this one’s for crying “wee wee wee”
all the way home. You will live on a diet of salt and dried bread and you will never leave this room
again. Devil child! Devil child!

(THE PHONE RINGS)

Why is it that every time you tie your daughter up, the ‘phone rings?

SEAWEED
Psst. Penny.

PENNY
Seaweed. Shh, don't let my mother hear you.

SEAWEED
Penny, what happened to you?

PENNY
She's punishing me for going to jail without her permission.
What are you doing?

SEAWEED
I'm here to rescue the fair maiden from her tower, baby.
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PENNY
Oh, Seaweed, you do care. I was worried it was just a lonely teenager’s forbidden fantasy.

SEAWEED
From the moment I saw you I knew that not even the colours of our skin could keep us apart. But
damn these knots are something else: was your mom in the navy?

PENNY
Hurry, Seaweed!

(Lights back on jail cell)

Song: “WITHOUT LOVE”

LINK
Once I was a selfish fool
Who never understood
I never looked inside myself
Though on the outside, I looked good!

Then we met and you made me

The man I am today
Tracy, I'm in love with you
No matter what you weigh
'Cause...

LINK (& ENSEMBLE)

Without love
Life is like the seasons with
No summer
Without love
Life is rock 'n' roll without
A drummer

Tracy, I'll be yours forever

'Cause I never wanna be
Without love
Tracy, never set me free
No, I ain't lyin'
Never set me free, Tracy,
No, no, no!!

TRACY
Once I was a simple girl
Then stardom came to me
But I was still a nothing
Though a thousand fans may disagree
Fame was just a prison
Signing autographs a bore
I didn’t have a clue
Till you came banging at my door
That without love
Life is like my dad without his bromo
Without love
Life is making out to Perry Como
Darling, I’ll be yours forever
‘Cause I never wanna be
Without love

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So darling, throw away the key.

LINK AND TRACY

I’m yours forever

TRACY
Throw away the key

LINK AND TRACY

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

SEAWEED
Living in the ghetto
Black is everywhere you go
Who'd have thought I'd love a girl
With skin as white as winter's snow

PENNY
In my ivory tower
Life was just a hostess snack
But now I've tasted chocolate
And I'm never going back

(SEAWEED SETS PENNY FREE)

PENNY & SEAWEED & ENSEMBLE

'Cause without love

SEAWEED
Life is like a beat that you can't follow

PENNY & SEAWEED & ENSEMBLE

Without love

PENNY
Life is Doris Day at the Apollo

PENNY & SEAWEED & ENSEMBLE

Darling, I'll be yours forever
'Cause I never wanna be
Without love

SEAWEED
So darling, never set me free
No!

PENNY & SEAWEED

I'm yours forever
Never set me free

ENSEMBLE
No, no, no!

LINK
If you’re locked up in this prison Trace,
I don’t know what I’ll do.

TRACY
Link, I've got to break out
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So that I can get my hands on you

SEAWEED
And girl, if I can't touch you
Now I'm gonna lose control

PENNY
Seaweed, you're my black white knight
I've found my blue-eyed soul

SEAWEED & ENSEMBLE

Sweet freedom is our goal

LINK
Trace, I wanna kiss ya!

TRACY
then I can’t wait for parole…

(LINK FORCES THE BARS TO MAKE A SMALLER, MORE MANEAGABLE HOLE THROUGH
WHICH SHE ESCAPES)

ALL
Without love

LINK
Life is like a prom that won’t invite us.

ALL
Without love

LINK
Life's getting my big break
and laryngitis

ALL
Without love

PENNY
Life's a '45'
when you can't buy it

ALL
Without love

TRACY
Life is like my mother
on a diet

ALL
Like a week that's only Mondays
Only ice cream, never sundaes
Like a circle with no center
Like a door marked "do not enter!"
darling I’ll be yours forever
'Cause I never wanna be...

Without love

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PENNY & LINK

Yes now you've captured me

ENSEMBLE
Without love

SEAWEED & TRACY

I surrender happily

ENSEMBLE
Without love

PENNY
Oh Seaweed
Never set me free

PENNY & SEAWEED

No, no, no

TRACY & LINK

No, I ain't lyin'

PENNY & SEAWEED

Never set me free

ALL
No, no, no
No, I dont wanna live without

PENNY
Love, love, love

LINK
Yeah, yeah, yeah

ALL
Darling, you had best believe me,
Never leave me
without love!

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Scene 3:
“MOTORMOUTH’S INSPIRATION”

(SOUNDS OF HELICOPTERS AND SIRENS AS WELL AS THUNDER AND LIGHTENING.

MOTORMOUTH GAZES OUT OF THE WINDOW: LITTLE INEZ, LORRAINE, DUANE, GILBERT
AND CINDY ARE WATCHING TV WITH RAPT ATTENTION)

MOTORMOUTH
It’s a mess out there

CINDY
Good night for a jail break

NEWSREADER
Elsewhere in local news, teenage TV personality, the extreme hair styled rabble rouser, Tracy
Turnblad has escaped from prison. Authorities believe she may have been aided by the previously
promising, formerly wholesome teen idol Link Larkin. If sighted (and with a hair do like hers this
should be easy…this reporter calls it a hair DON’T) citizens are asked to notify the police or, if phone
service is not available, simply shoot to kill.

MOTORMOUTH (AS SHE TURNS OFF THE TV)

Lord have pity, it’s a crazy city.

(A DOOR SLAMS)

Who’s at the backdoor?

(SEAWEED AND PENNY RUN IN)

…my baby boy. And..Penny Pingleton is it?

PENNY
Yes, ma’am
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LITTLE INEZ
Seaweed’s got a girlfriend!

SEAWEED
Is it OK I brought her home? I had to get her away from her nasty ass mama.

MOTORMOUTH
Hush, now. Don’t explain. I got an inklin’ in a twinklin’ first time I saw you two dance together.

PENNY
And you don’t mind?

MOTORMOUTH
I never mind. It’s a gift from above. But, not everyone remembers that. So you two better brace
yourselves for a whole lotta ugly comin at you from a never-ending parade of stupid.

PENNY
That’s OK, my Mama’s going to kill me anyway!

LITTLE INEZ
No she won’t, she’ll kill Seaweed.

(LINK AND TRACY BURST IN)

LINK
Hey, Ms Motormouth, we broke Tracy outta jail.

GILBERT
We know: it’s been on all four channels!

TRACY
The jailbreak was easy compared to getting a cab to this side of town.

MOTORMOUTH
Well, we all gotta get busy. Only twenty – four hours till Miss Teenage Hairspray, and it’s gonna be on
national TV. We may never get another chance like this. And this time we’ll start by getting Corny and
the guards at the studio to help us.

PENNY
Maybe your Dad could help too. He sometimes has ideas.

(Edna and Wilber come running in)

Edna
TRACY!!!! Oh my little baby, we have been so worried! (they hug)

TRACY
Mum….Dad….we need your help….we have one more chance to…

Edna
Noooo

Wilber (interrupting)
Sure thing buttercup! Anything for my girl!

MOTORMOUTH
So we tried once and we failed. We can’t get lazy when things get crazy. Children you were not the
first to try and you won’t be the last, but I am here to tell you that I’m gonna keep lining up until
someday somebody breaks through. And I’ve been looking at that door a lot longer than you.
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TRACY
What door?

MOTORMOUTH
The front door.

(BLACK OUT)

Scene 4: MISS TEENAGE HAIRSPRAY

(THE BALTIMORE EVENTORIUM.LIGHTS AND MUSIC HERALD THE CORNY COLLINS

SPECTACULAR. A MISS TEENAGE HAIRSPRAY 1962 SCOREBOARD SHOWS AMBER
LEADING TRACY BY A FEW VOTES, DRUM ROLL HERALDS CORNY’S ARRIVAL ON STAGE.)

CORNY
And now, live, from the certified up-to-code Baltimore Eventorium…for the first time ever on
nationwide television…it’s The Corny Collins Spectacular…

COUNCIL MEMBERS
He’s Corny!

CORNY
…brought to you by Ultra Clutch Hairspray

Song: “HAIRSPRAY”

(APPLAUSE. A MAN IN A HAT AND A FAKE NOSE ENTERS PUSHING A GIGANTIC HAIRSPRAY
CAN. VELMA APPROACHES SUSPICIOUSLY)

VELMA
And we’re off for network commercial. What the hell is this?

MAN (WHO, OF COURSE IS REALLY WILBUR)

Product placement. Mr. Spritzer insists.

VELMA
What a relief. We needed a little something there.
Say, don’t I know you?

And we’re coming back to Corny on camera in 3…2…

CORNY

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And now for the talent portion of the competition where the frontrunner gals present a dance of their
own creation. Let’s glance at the scoreboard. Presently Amber Von Tussle and Tracy Turnblad are
neck and neck. But since, according to the latest police bulletins, Miss Turnblad is still at large…

(CORNY LEADS SPRITZER ON: SPRITZER IS CARRYING THE CROWN AND BOUQUET)

CORNY
Just to be sure. I think we’d better check the board.

SPRITZER
Could we please see the tally?

(ALL TURN TO THE SCOREBOARD. THE NUMBERS SPIN AND AMBER IS THE WINNER BY A
HANDFUL OF VOTES)

Yes, Amber Von Tussle just squeaks in as the winner.

AMBER
What’d I tell you? Give me the crown, give me the flowers and everyone start bowing!

(AMBER SNATCHES THE CROWN AND SLAPS IT ON HER HEAD. VELMA PUTS THE MISS
HAIRSPRAY 1962 SASH ON AMBER)

TRACY (FROM THE THEATRE AISLE)

Not so fast Amber. Look who’s coming in the front door.

(AN EXPLOSION OF MUSIC AND LIGHT)

CORNY
Right on schedule! I mean, I know nothing about this complex and ambitious plan. Ladies and
gentlemen, I give you the never to be counted out Tracy Turnblad.

(A SPOTLIGHT PICKS UP TRACY AS SHE MAKES HER WAY UP THE AISLE SINGING,
DANCING AND CELEBRATING. SHE IS FOLLOWED BY LINK, PENNY, SEAWEED, LITTLE INEZ
AND THE MOTORMOUTH GANG)

FINAL SONG: “YOU CAN’T STOP THE BEAT”

TRACY
You can't stop an avalanche
As it races down the hill
You can try to stop the seasons, girl,
But you know you never will
And you can try to stop my dancing feet,
But I just cannot stand still!

'Cause the world keeps spinnin' round and round

And my heart's keepin' time to the speed of the sound
I was lost 'til I heard the drums, then I found my way

TRACY AND LINK

'Cause you can't stop the beat

Ever since the whole world began

A woman found out if she shook it,
She could shake up a man
And so I'm gonna shake and shimmy it
The best that I can today
'Cause you can't stop

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The motion of the ocean

Or the sun in the sky
You can wonder, if you wanna,
But I never ask why
And you can try to hold me down,
But I'll spit in your eye and say
That You Can't Stop the Beat!

TRACY
Whaddya have to say, Penny?

PENNY
I am now a Checkerboard Chick!

You can't stop the river as it rushes to the sea

You can try to stop the hands of time, but you know it just won't be!
And if they try to stop us, Seaweed, I've got the NAACP

Cause the world keeps spinnin round and round

And my heart's keepin time to the speed of sound
I was lost 'til I heard the drums, then I found my way

PENNY, SEAWEED, TRACY AND LINK

Cause you can’t stop the beat!

Ever since we first saw the light

A man and woman like to shake it on a Saturday night
So I'm gonna shake and shimmy it with all of my might today
Cause you can’t stop the motion of the ocean, or the rain from above
you can try to stop the paradise were dreamin of
But you cannot stop the rhythm of two hearts in love to stay
Cause you can’t stop the beat!

(THE ARMED GUARDS BEGIN TO TURN AROUND TO REVEAL THEMSELVES TO BE

SEAWEED AND HIS FRIENDS)

TRACY
Get her!

(THE GUARDS CARRY VELMA OFF)

OK, Amber, this is my dance, and it’s dedicated to everybody!

(TRACY AND HER FRIENDS DANCE. GRADUALLY THEY PULL THE COUNCIL MEMBERS IN
AND THEY JOIN UMTIL EVERYONE OS DANCING…EXCEPT AMBER WHO HAS TAKEN THE
CROWN AND IS DEFIANTLY CLINGING ONTO THE THRONE).

ALL
Ever since we first saw the light
A man and woman like to shake it on a Saturday night
So I'm gonna shake and shimmy it with all of my might today
Cause you can’t stop the motion of the ocean, or the rain from above
You can try to stop the paradise were dreamin of
But you cannot stop the rhythm of two hearts in love to stay
Cause you can’t stop the beat!

Tracy!

(TRIUMPHANT APPLAUSE)
CORNY
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Everyone, look…look at the scoreboard!

(ALL TURN TO SEE THE SCOREBOAR SPONTANANEOUSLY COMBUSTING, SHOWING TRACY

IS THE OVERWHELMING WINNER)

Tracy Turnblad. I declare you Miss Teenage Hairspray 1962.

VELMA (WHO HAS RETURNED LOOKING RUFFLED) AND AMBER

No!

AMBER
It’s wrong! It’s just so wrong!

LITTLE INEZ
Hand over that halo Amber

AMBER
You’ll have to rip it from my cold dead hands.

LITTLE INEZ
That works for me.

TRACY
You can keep your stupid crown, Amber. I have my heart set on something a lot more important.

LINK
Would that happen to be…me?

TRACY
Of course you Link. But I also want a degree in music with a minor in sociology from Baltimore
University. And I want to be the first one to say, The Corny Collins Show is now, and forevermore
officially integrated.

CORNY
America, look up! Here’s history right before your eyes. Television will never be the same again.

SPRITZER (entering joyfully and snatching the microphone from Corny)

This is marvellous. The phones are going crazy. The whole country’s watching. Even the governor
phoned. He’s enjoying the show so much that he’s granted a pardon to Tracy, plus a full scholarship to
Baltimore University! You cannot buy this kind of publicity. Velma, you are a genius!

VELMA
I am? Yes, I am.

SPRITZER
Ultra Clutch is about to launch an entirely new line of products, and I want this woman to head the
campaign.

VELMA (cautiously)
I just don’t know what to say.

SPRITZER
It comes with offices, a company car, and a multi-figured salary.

VELMA (hopefully)
I just don’t know what to say.

SPRITZER
Velma Von Tussle, you are the newly appointed vice president of Ultra Clutch For All.

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VELMA (stupefied)
I just don’t know what to say!

SPRITZER
And as for you two, Link and Amber, America would like to hear you two kids sing our new theme
song. I think I can get you a recording contract.

LINK
My big break!

(THE HAPPINESS IS SHATTERED WHEN PRUDY BARGES ON)

PRUDY
Give me back my daughter! I know you’ve got her. I saw her on TV.

(PENNY AND SEAWEED STAND SIDE BY SIDE DEFIANTLY)

Penny, I hardly recognise you done up like that.

PENNY
I’m a pretty girl Mama.

PRUDY
Oh, Penny. You look so happy. I can’t say it’s what I want, but if this fine looking, well-built young man
is responsible for the light in your eye then how could I object?

(PRUDY AND PENNY EMBRACE. SEAWEED AND PRUDY EMBRACE)

CORNY
Live TV. There’s nothing like it!

LINK
This may not be the right moment since we’re on national TV and all, but Tracy, if I don’t kiss you now,
I may just burst!

TRACY
Well, I wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself.

(THEY KISS)

WILBUR
That’s my girl!

VELMA
Hold it. Hold it. Before I get completely sick, would somebody tell me this – if she came in through the
front door – what the hell is in that can?

WILBUR
My masterpiece. Seaweed, would you give me a hand?

SEAWEED
Comin’ right up Mr T.

(SEAWEED CLIMBS THE CAN, READY TO TRIGGER IT)

WILBUR
This could be the biggest novelty item ever made! Fire!

(SEAWEED PUSHES THE NOZZLE AND THE HAIRSPRAY CAN EXPLODES IN SMOKE AND
GLITTER TO REVEAL EDNA DRESSED IN FINERY)
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You can't stop my happiness, cause I like the way I am

And you just can't stop my knife and fork when I see a Christmas Ham!
And if you don't like the way I look, well, I just don’t give a da**!

Cause the world keeps spinnin round and round

and my hearts keepin time to the speed of sound
I was lost 'til Iheard the drums, then I found my way

ALL
Cause you can’t stop the beat

Ever since this whole world began

A woman found out if she shook it she could shake up a man
So I'm gonna shake and shimmy it the best that I can today!
Cause you can't stop the motion of the ocean or the sun in the sky
You can wonder, if you wanna, but I never ask why
And you can try to hold me down, but I'll spit in your eye and say
That you can't stop the beat!

MOTORMOUTH (stepping forward and taking off the helmet)

Step aside, Miss. Buttercup! It's time to wrap this mutha up!

Oh, Oh, Oh
You can't stop today [No!]
As it comes speeding 'round the track [oooh, child yes!]
Yesterday is history [be gone!]
And it's never comin back! [Look ahead, cause...]
Tomorrow is a brand new day, and it don't know white from black [Yeah!]

'Cause the world keeps spinnin' round and round

And my heart's keepin time to the speed of sound
I was lost til I heard the drums, then I found my way
'Cause you can’t stop the beat!

ALL
Ever since we first saw the light,
A man and woman like to shake it on a Saturday night
So I'm gonna shake and shimmy it with all of my might today!
Cause you can’t stop the motion of the ocean, or the rain from above
They can try to stop the paradise we're dreamin of
But you cannot stop the rhythm of two hearts in love to stay
You can't stop the beat!

(VELMA AND AMBER ARE TOGETHER, DEFEATED AND COFUSED UNTIL THE ENSEMBLE
FOCUS ON THEM)

ALL
Aah, aah, aah,
Ahh, ahh, ahh
Ahh, ahh, ahh ahh
Come on you Van Tussles go and shake your fanny muscles!!

AMBER AND VELMA

We can't!

ALL
Yes you can!

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AMBER AND VELMA

No we can't!

ALL
Yes you can!

AMBER AND VELMA

Yes we can!

ALL
You can’t stop the beat!

AMBER AND VELMA

Ever since we first saw the sign
It seems Van Tussle girls are always tryin to be someone
But now we're gonna shake and shimmy it and have some fun today!

ALL
Cause you can't stop the Motion of the ocean or the rain from above
You can try to stop the paradise were dreamin of
But you cannot stop the rhythm of two hearts in love to stay!
Cause you can’t stop the beat!
You can’t stop the beat
You can’t stop the beat
You can’t stop the beat!!

(EVERYONE EXITS AS SOON AS POSIBLE. BRENDA AND CORNY ARE ON STAGE. SHE IS
HOLDING LITTLE CORNY)

Finis.

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