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Chicacago
Chicago, Illinois. The LATE 1920S.

ACT ONE

ANNOUNCER:
Welcome. Ladies and Gentlemen, you are about to see a story of murder, greed, corruption,
violence, exploitation, adultery, and treachery - all those things we all hold near and dear to our
hearts. Thank you.
(ALL THAT JAZZ )

(During the song Fred Casely and Roxie Hart enter)

FRED:
Listen, your husband ain't home, is he?

VELMA:
No, her husband is not at home!

ROXIE:

So, that's it, huh Fred?

FRED:
Yeah, I'm afraid so Roxie.

ROXIE:
Oh, Fred...
GIRLS:
Oh, Fred...
FRED:
Yeah?
ROXIE:
Nobody walks out on me.
(Roxie shoots him.)
FRED:
Sweetheart -
ROXIE:
Oh, don't "sweetheart" me, you son-of-a-bitch!

(Roxie shoots him again. Fred dies.)

ANNOUNCER:
 For her first number, Miss Roxie Hart would like to sing a song of love and devotion dedicated to
her Dear husband Amos.

(FUNNY HONNY )

(During the song Amos and police enter)

AMOS:
A man's got the right to protect his home and his loved ones, right?
FOGARTY:
Of course, he has!
AMOS:
Well, I come in from the garage, Officer, and I see him coming through the window. With my wife
Roxanne there, sleepin'...Like an angel...I mean supposin', just supposin', he had violated her or
somethin'...you know what I mean...violated?

FOGARTY:
I know what you mean...

AMOS:
...or somethin'. Think how terrible that would have been. It's a good thing I came home from work
on time, I'm tellin' ya that! I say I'm tellin' ya that!

FOGARTY:
Name of deceased...Fred Casely.

AMOS:
Fred Casely. How could he be a burglar? My wife knows him!
He sold us our furniture!

She lied to me. She told me he was a burglar.

FOGARTY:
You mean he was dead when you got home?

AMOS:
She had him covered with a sheet and she's givin' me that cock and a bull story about this burglar,
and I ought to say I did it 'cause I was sure to get off. Burglar, huh!

And I believed her That cheap little tramp. So, she was two-timing me, huh? Well, then, she can just
swing for all I care, Boy, I'm down at the garage, working my butt off fourteen hours a day and she's
up there munchin' on God-damn bon-bons and jazzing. This time shes pushed me too far. Boy, what
a sap I was!

ANNOUNCER:
And now the six merry murderesses of the Cook County Jail in their
rendition of the "Cell Block Tango."

(CELL BLOCK TANGO)

(Each girl has a monologue in the song)

LIZ:
You know how people have these little habits that get ya down, Like Bernie, Bernie liked to chew
gum. No, not chew. Pop. Well, I came home this one day and I am really irritated, and looking for a
little sympathy and there's Bernie layin' on the couch, drinkin' a beer and chewin'. No, not chewin'.
Popin'. So, I said to him, I said, "Bernie, you pop that gum one more time..." And he did!........

So I took the shotgun off the wall and fired two warning shots... ...into his head.

ANNIE:
I met Ezekiel Young from Salt Lake City about two years ago and he told me he was single
and we hit it off right away. So, we started living together. He'd go to work, he'd come work, I'd mix
him a drink, we'd have dinner. Well, it was like heaven in two and a half rooms. And then I found
out,"Single" he told me? Single, my ass. Not only was he married. ...oh, no, he had six wives.
One of those Mormons, you know. So that night when he came home. I mixed him his drink as
usual. .....You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic!

JUNE:
Now, I'm standing in the kitchen carvin' up the chicken for dinner, minding my own business,
and in storms my husband Wilbur,in a jealous rage. "You been screwin' the milkman” he says. He
was crazy and he kept on screamin' "You been screwin' the milkman," ......And then he ran into my
knife! He ran into my knife TEN TIMES!

HUNYAK:
Mit keresek, enn itt? Azt mondjok, hogy lakem lefogta a ferjemet
en meg lecsaptam a fejet. De nem igaz, en artatlan vagyok. Nem
tudom mert mondja Uncle Sam hogy en tetten. Probaltam a rendorsegen
megmagyarazni de nem ertettek meg...

JUNE:
Yeah, but did you do it?

HUNYAK:
UH UH, not guilty!

VELMA
My sister, Veronica, and I did this double act and my husband, Charlie, used to travel round with us.
Now for the last number in our act, we did these 20 acrobatic tricks in a row, one, two, three, four,
five... Splits, spread eagles, back flips, flip flops, one right after the other. Well, this one night we are
in Cicero, the three of us, sittin' up in a hotel room, boozin' and havin' a few laughs and we ran out
of ice, so I went out to get some. I come back, open the door And there's Veronica and Charlie doing
Number Seventeen -the spread eagle....... Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked
out, I can't remember a thing. It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands I even
knew they were dead.

MONA
I love Alvin Lipschitz, more than I can possibly say. He was a real artistic guy... Sensitive...a painter.
But he was troubled. He was always trying to find himself. He'd go out every night looking for
himself and along the way he found Ruth, Gladys, Rosemary and Irving..... I guess you can say we
broke up because of artistic differences. He saw himself as alive and I saw him.....dead.

ANNOUNCER
And now, Ladies and Gentlemen - the Keeper of the Keys, the Countess of the Clink, the Mistress of
Murder's row – Matron "Mama" Morton!

(When You’re Good To Mama’)

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and Gentleman, presenting the Silver-Tongued Prince of the Courtroom - the one - the only
Mr. Billy Flynn.

GIRLS:
We want Billy
Give us Billy
B. I. Double L. Y.
We're all his
He's our kind of a guy
And ooh what luck
'Cause here he is...

BILLY:
Now look, in a few minutes there'll be a whole bunch of photographers and reporters and that sob
sister from the Evening Star is coming, I don't figure we'll have any trouble with her. She'll swallow
hook, line and sinker. Her name is Mary Sunshine.

MARY SUNSHINE:
When I was a tiny tot of maybe two or three, I can still remember what my mother said to me...
Place rose colored glasses on your nose and you will see the robins not the crows
For in the tense and tangled web Our weary lives can weave You're so much better off If you
believe...That there's a little bit of good In everyone....In everyone you'll ever know though many
times, it doesn't show. It only takes a taking time with one another for under every mean veneer is
someone warm and dear. Keep looking, for that bit of good in everyone. The ones you call bad are
never all bad So try to find that little bit of good. Although you meet rats they're not complete rat
So try to find that little bit of good!

MATRON:
Mr. Flynn, the reporters are here.

BILLY
Let 'em in, Butch. Okay, Roxie, act like a dummy; you sit on my lap and do all the talking.

ANNOUNCER:
Mr. Billy Flynn sings the "Press Conference Rag" – notice how his mouth never moves - almost.

(WE BOTH REACHED FOR THE GUN)

FIRST REPORTER:
"Stop The Presses!"

SECOND REPORTER:
"'We Both Reached For The Gun,' Says Roxie!"

THIRD REPORTER:
"Dancing Feet Lead To Sorrow, Says Beautiful Jazz Slayer!"

FOURTH REPORTER:
"Jazz And Liquor, Roxie's Downfall!"

ROXIE:
The name on everybody's lips is gonna be Roxie.... I'm gonna be a celebrity
That means somebody everyone knows. From just some dumb mechanic's wife. I'm gonna be Roxie
Who says that murder's not an art? You wanna know something? I always wanted to be in
vaudeville.And now that I'm a celebrity, I'm gonna have me a swell act, too. Yeah, I'll get a boy to
work with - someone who can lift me up, show me off - Oh, hell, I'll get two boys. It'll frame me
better. Think "Big," Roxie, think "Big." I'm gonna get me a whole bunch of boys.

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and Gentlemen, Miss Velma Kelly in an act of desperation –PUT INTO A MONOLOGUEHOW
NOW ROXIE GOT ALL FAME VELMA NEEDS HER.

VELMA:
My sister and I had an act that couldn't flop we were headed straight for the top My sister and I
eared a thou a week at least(Oh, sure)But my sister is now, unfortunately, deceased

Roxie, do you know you are exactly the same size as my sister? Oh, you would fit in her wardrobe
perfectly. Look, why don't I just show you some of the act, huh?

ROXIE:
I don’t think so Velma

VELMA:
But Roxie I can’t do this act alone

ROXIE:
Awww....no!

ROXIE:
There's only one person who can help you now, Roxie!

VELMA:
There only one person you can count on now, Velma!
ACT TWO

VELMA:
Hello suckers, welcome back. Roxie's in there being looked over by the State Medical Examiner. She
says she's gonna have a baby. Now why didn't I think of that....Can you imagine? Do you believe it? I
mean, do you believe it. I know a girl who lands on top. You could put her face Into a pail of slop.
And she'd come up smelling like a rose

REPORTER:
Hold on, everybody, she's comin' out now.
(Roxie enters, followed by a very happy Doctor.)

Well, Doctor, is she or isn't she?

VELMA:
She is.

DOCTOR:
She is!
VELMA:
I know a girl with so much luck. She could get run over by a two-ton truck, then brush herself off
and walk away

BILLY:
So, Doc, would you swear to that statement in court?
DOCTOR:
Oh, yeah.

BILLY:
Good...you wanna button your fly?

VELMA:
Whilst I on the other hand, put my face in a pail of slop and I would smell like a pail of slop I, on the
other hand get run over by a truck and I am deader than a duck. I know a girl who tells so many lies
anything that's true would truly cross her eyes but what that mouse is selling that whole world buys
and nobody smells a rat!

ROXIE:
Oh, please Ladies and Gentlemen of the press - leave the two of us alone so that we can rest.

VELMA:
The two of us? Can you imagine?

REPORTER:
Can I have one last picture, please?

ROXIE:
Oh, sure, anything for the press.

VELMA:
Do you believe it!
MARY SUNSHINE:
I don't see how you could possibly delay the trial another second, Mr. Flynn, my readers wouldn't
stand for it. The poor child! To have her baby born in a jail!

BILLY:
I can assure you she'll come to trial at the earliest possible moment. And you can quote me on
that.

AMOS:
Hey, everybody. I'm the father! I'm the father!

MATRON:
I think it's sweet. First time we ever had one of our girls knocked up.

BILLY
I've got it and it's brilliant. I'm gonna get Amos to divorce you. That way all the sympathy will go to
you - not him. You'll be the poor, little deserted mother-to-be and that crumb is running out on you.

AMOS:
That's my kid! That's my kid. I'm the father! Papa! Dada! Did you hear me? Did you? No, you didn't
hear me. That's the story of my life. Nobody ever knows I'm around. Nobody. Not even my parents
noticed me. One day I went to school and when I came home..... They had moved.

AMOS:
If someone stood up in a crowd and raised his voice up way out loud And waved his arm and shook
his leg You'd notice him. If someone in the movie show Yelled "Fire in the second row. This whole
place is a powder keg!" You'd notice him. And even without clucking like a hen. Everyone gets
noticed, now and then, Unless, of course, that personage should be, invisible, inconsequential me!
Mister Cellophane Shoulda been my name 'Cause you can look right through me. Walk right by me
and never know I'm there...

Suppose you was a little cat, Residin' in a person's flat Who fed you fish and scratched your ears?
You'd notice him. Suppose you was a woman, wed And sleepin' in a double bed Beside one man, for
seven years. You'd notice him.A human being's made of more than air. With all that bulk, you're
bound to see him there. Unless that human bein' next to you, is unimpressive, undistinguished
You know who...Mister Cellophane Shoulda been my name 'Cause you can look right through me.
Walk right by me And never know I'm there...

.......... Hope I didn't take up too much of your time.

VELMA:
Billy, I been thinkin' a lot about my trial. Couldn't I just show you what I thought I might do on the
witness stand?

BILLY:
Go ahead.

VELMA:
Well when I get on the stand I thought I'd take a peek at the jury. Then I'd cross my legs like this,
you know. Then, when Harrison cross examines me, I thought I'd give 'em this...and then if he yells
at me I thought I'd tremble like this..."ooh, no, please stop!" Then, I thought I'd let it all be too much
for me, like real dramatic. Then, I thought I'd get thirsty and say, "Please, someone, could I have a
glass of water? Then, I thought I'd cry. Buckets. Only I don't have handkerchief - that's when I have
to ask you for yours! I really like that part. Don't you? Then, I get up and try to walk; oh, but I'm too
weak, and I slump and I slump and I slump and I slump until finally, I faint!

Bailiff:
Mr. Flynn, his honor is here

BILLY:
Thank you. Just a moment. You ready?

ROXIE:
Oh Billy, I'm so scared!

BILLY:
Roxie. You got nothing to worry about. It's all a circus, kid. A three ring circus. These trial - the whole
world - all show business. But kid, you're working with a star, the biggest!

(RAZZALE DAZZLE)
BILLY:
Lets make sure you can walk out of here kid.

REPORTER:
We are just hearing reports that the jury in the case of the accused murderer .Roxie Hart have
returned a verdict of......not guilty.

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Vickers Theater, Chicago's finest
home of family and entertainment, is proud to announce a first.
The first time, anywhere, there has been an act of this nature.
Not only one little lady, but two! You've read about them in the
papers and now here they are - a double header! Chicago's own
killer dillers - those two scintillating sinners -
Roxie Hart and Velma Kelly!

(HOT HONEY RAG)

(Velma and Roxie come on for a bow with plastic guns.)

VELMA:
Thank you. Roxie and I would just like to thank you - for your faith and your belief in our
innocence.

ROXIE:
Yes, it was letters, telegrams, and words of encouragement that helped see us through this
terrible ordeal of ours

VELMA:
You know, a lot of people have lost faith in America.
ROXIE:
And for what America stands for.

VELMA:
But we are the living examples of what a wonderful country this is.

ROXIE:
So we'd just like to say thank you and God Bless you.

VELMA AND ROXIE:

God bless you.
Thank you and God bless you... Chorus:
God be with you. No,
God walk with you always. I'm no one's wife
God bless you. But, oh,
God bless you. I love my life...

Company:
THAT JAZZ!