The Chaos

by G. Nolst Trenité a.k.a. “Charivarius”

1870 – 1946

Dearest creature in creation Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel,

Studying English pronunciation, Gertrude, German, wind, and mind.
I will teach you in my verse Scene, Melpomene, mankind,
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and Tortoise, turquoise, chamois-leather,
worse Reading, reading, heathen, heather.
I will keep you, Susy, busy, This phonetic labyrinth
Make your head with heat grow dizzy. Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch,
Tear in eye your dress you’ll tear, ninth, plinth.
So shall I! Oh, hear my prayer, Billet does not end like ballet;
Pray, console your loving poet, Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet;
Make my coat look new, dear, sew it! Blood and flood are not like food,
Just compare heart, beard and heard, Nor is mould like should and would.
Dies and diet, lord and word, Banquet is not nearly parquet,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain. Which is said to rime with “darky.”
(Mind the latter, how it’s written). Viscous, Viscount, load, and broad.
Made has not the sound of bade, Toward, to forward, to reward.
Say said, pay-paid, laid, but plaid. And your pronunciation’s O.K.,
Now I surely will not plague you When you say correctly: croquet.
With such words as vague and ague, Rounded, wounded, grieve, and sieve,
But be careful how you speak, Friend and fiend, alive, and live,
Say break, steak, but bleak and streak. Liberty, library, heave, and heaven,
Previous, precious, fuchsia, via, Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven,
Pipe, snipe, recipe and choir, We say hallowed, but allowed,
Cloven, oven, how and low, People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe. Mark the difference, moreover,
Hear me say, devoid of trickery: Between mover, plover, Dover,
Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore, Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles. Chalice, but police, and lice.
Exiles, similes, reviles. Camel, constable, unstable,
Wholly, holly, signal, signing. Principle, disciple, label,
Thames, examining, combining Petal, penal, and canal,
Scholar, vicar, and cigar, Wait, surmise, plait, promise, pal.
Solar, mica, war, and far. Suit, suite, ruin, circuit, conduit,
From “desire”: desirable--admirable Rime with “shirk it” and “beyond it.”
from “admire.” But it is not hard to tell,
Lumber, plumber, bier, but brier. Why it’s pall, mall, but Pall Mall.
Chatham, brougham, renown, but Muscle, muscular, gaol, iron,
known. Timber, climber, bullion, lion,
Knowledge, done, but gone and tone, Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, and
One, anemone. Balmoral. chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor, Neither, leisure, skein, receiver.
Ivy, privy, famous, clamour Never guess--it is not safe:
And enamour rime with hammer. We say calves, valves, half, but Ralph.
Pussy, hussy, and possess, Heron, granary, canary,
Desert, but dessert, address. Crevice and device, and eyrie,
Golf, wolf, countenance, lieutenants. Face but preface, but efface,
Hoist, in lieu of flags, left pennants. Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb, Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Doll and roll and some and home. Ought, out, joust, and scour, but
Stranger does not rime with anger. scourging,
Neither does devour with clangour. Ear but earn, and wear and bear
Soul, but foul and gaunt but aunt. Do not rime with here, but ere.
Font, front, won’t, want, grand, and Seven is right, but so is even,
grant. Hyphen, roughen, nephew, Stephen,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say: finger. Monkey, donkey, clerk, and jerk,
And then: singer, ginger, linger, Asp, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, and gauge, Pronunciation–think of psyche!
Marriage, foliage, mirage, age. Is a paling, stout and spikey,
Query does not rime with very, Won’t it make you lose your wits,
Nor does fury sound like bury. Writing “groats” and saying “grits”?
Dost, lost, post; and doth, cloth, loth; It’s a dark abyss or tunnel,
Job, Job; blossom, bosom, oath. Strewn with stones, like rowlock,
Though the difference seems little, gunwale,
We say actual, but victual. Islington and Isle of Wight,
Seat, sweat; chaste, caste.; Leigh, eight, Housewife, verdict, and indict!
height; Don’t you think so, reader, rather,
Put, nut; granite, and unite. Saying lather, bather, father?
Reefer does not rime with deafer, Finally: which rimes with “enough”
Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer. Though, through, plough, cough,
Dull, bull, Geoffrey, George, ate, late, hough, or tough?
Hint, pint, Senate, but sedate. Hiccough has the sound of “cup.”
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific, My advice is--give it up!
Science, conscience, scientific,
Tour, but our and succour, four,
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, guinea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria,
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and
clean,
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion with battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, key, quay.
Say aver, but ever, fever.