A Social Worker’s Guide to Life Books

A Social Worker’s Guide to Lifebooks

BY

JOANN HARRISON

ELAINE CAMPBELL

PENNY CHUMBLEY

April 2010
Department for Community Based Services
Kentucky Cabinet for Health and Family Services
Printed with State Funds
 * © 2010 Kentucky Cabinet for Health and Family Services

Department for Community Based Services

275 E. Main Street
Frankfort, Kentucky 40621

*Special permission to reproduce this book may be obtained by public and non-profit agencies upon
request to the Department for Community Based Services with the provision that credit be given
to the individual authors and to the Kentucky Cabinet for Health and Family Services.
 To The Worker:
you in making life books
ok is for you . It’s a col lection of materials to guide
Th is bo places your
pti ve chi ldr en. It wil l hel p you make a record of the
for foster and ado have experienced.
e live d; the peo ple the y’v e met; and the feelings they
children hav wer.
however, this book won’t ans
There are lots of questions,
with your children.
me ant to hel p gen era te those answers when working
It’s
w to” book,
thi s col lec tio n int o tw o parts. The first part is a “ho
We have organized that are criti-
e Bo ok. Th e sec on d is a wo rkbook divided into sections
Making a Lif issues and techniques
er in wo rki ng wit h chi ldr en. Each section includes an
cal to cov sample materials. Many of
in ou tlin e for m, as well as brief narratives and
ove rvi ew them where
l wo rk we ll in mo re tha n one area, so feel free to use
these materials wil
they seem appropriate.
tems deserve to be
en wh o mo ve thr ou gh the foster care and adoption sys
All childr expressing their feelings.
en a sen se of the ir his tor y as well as help in sorting and used the
giv
ok as a po int of dep art ure . We’re sure that once you’ve
Please regard this bo
g life books that will
e, tha t you ’ll be abl e to tailor an approach to makin
materials her
of all, for your children.
work best for you and, most

i
PART ONE: Making a Life Book
Introduction................................................................................................................... pg. 1
What is a Life Book and why it helps

Ground Rules ................................................................................................................ pg. 2

Things to keep in mind before you start

Writing a Life Book—What to Include .......................................................................... pg. 4

Which issues to cover and why

Resources—Techniques, Materials and Sources of Information .................................. Pg. 10

Approaching the feelings behind the issues
Common materials to use
Finding more information

A Child’s Development .............................................................................................. pg. 15

A guide to age-appropriate techniques

Building a Family ......................................................................................................... pg. 19

Helping the child adjust to his new family

Getting Unstuck . ........................................................................................................ pg. 22

Barriers and how to overcome them

Other Problems/Other Uses......................................................................................... pg. 24

Using the Life Book for situations other than foster care and adoption

PART TWO: Workbook

Section I: Talking About the Birth Family . .............................................................. pg. 36

Section II: Placement Into Foster Care . ................................................................... pg. 46

Section III: Moving On .............................................................................................. pg. 51

Section IV: Special Needs and Self-Concept ............................................................. pg. 56

Resources...................................................................................................................... pg. 67

ii
A Special Thanks…
To the social workers and children throughout our commonwealth who have generated ideas and
shared copies of Life Books for us to view.

To the Special Needs Adoption Program for ideas on illustration materials.

To Gloria Whetstone and Shirley Goatley who were willing to type and retype.

To Jesse Barkin and Kevin Quiggins for our illustrations.

To David Caudill for our cover design and Sue Schaefer for layout/production.

To Margaret Frederick who read the rough draft and offered valuable criticism.

To Dr. Bibhuti K. Sar for help with advice and additional resources.

To Dr. Terry Singer for his strong support.

To all of you we are deeply grateful. You have our warmest thanks.

iii
Written By

JoAnn Harrison
Penny G. Chumbley
After relinquishment for adoption, Sammy, 11, suffered severe feelings of rejection. He was con-
stantly in motion, behaving impulsively and having frequent outbursts of temper. He was a terror at
school. He talked frequently about his birth mother, making excuses for her and vowing that, when
he came of age, he would find her. His social worker started a life book with Sammy, exploring with
him his feelings about his history. Sammy’s adoptive mother continued work on the book, record-
ing with Sammy his insights about his life. In time, Sammy became calmer, learning to control his
behavior and vent his anger appropriately. His school behavior and work improved. One day Sammy
announced that his mother must have had a heart attack and died. His adoptive mother said, “If
she’s dead, how will you find her?” Sammy replied, matter-of-factly, “I guess I won’t.” The life book
helped Sammy accept his situation and put to rest his feelings of rejection by his birth mother.

Foster and adoptive children need help understanding

the major events of their lives. This book will help social
workers, other child care professionals and parents learn
...a tool that helps a
to prepare life books for and with a child. A life book— child deal with the
a written record of a child’s life history—gives a foster or
adoptive child the same information concerning his social
significant conflicts
and physical history that most children have received of life...
from their families through conversation and through use
of baby books and photograph albums. As a foster or adoptive child moves through foster care,
much of the important information about him is lost. A life book recovers this information and
helps the child in the task of forming an identity.

Family disruption is a serious issue and a child must come to terms with his feelings regardless of
his age. If a child can talk, he benefits from an explanation of what has happened to him. With a
more sophisticated approach a life book can be as meaningful to a teenager as to any other child.

The life book is not an end product but a tool that helps the foster or adoptive child deal with the
significant conflicts and crises of his life. Through it, the child understands what has happened to
him and begins to lay to rest the conflicts preventing him from adequately adjusting to family life.

As you, the social worker, gain experience in producing life books with children, you will not only
use the ideas presented in this book but will learn to generate your own techniques, tailoring solu-
tions to meet the needs of the individual child. You will find that the life book can serve as a point
of departure for the use of additional skills that will help a child resolve conflict, including using
puppets and keeping charts.

A life book is useful with both children who will be placed for adoption and with children
who will return to their birth families. In addition, the life book technique is equally applicable
with children who have faced problems such as the death of a parent or sibling, the divorce of par-
ents, a serious illness, or a move from one place to another.

1
Where do you start and what do you say? interest in the things he does. Talk with him
These suggestions will help you begin a child’s without condescension. Respect his feelings by
life book. accepting rather than denying them. Respect
his privacy.
Be Prepared. Get off to a good start by
keeping your appointments with a child and As your work proceeds, issues will be raised
having your materials ready. Make sure your that are difficult for the child to think about.
information is as accurate as possible. Be prepared to push the child to deal with
those issues he would rather avoid and also be
Choose a Private and Comfortable aware of how far you can push him. You will
Setting. In working with a child, you should need to assure the child that it is important
choose a setting where you and the child will and acceptable to discuss these things. As you
be comfortable and can work without inter- get to know him, you will become aware of his
ruption. Because the material is private, work attention span and his tolerance level. Gauge
on the book generally should be done with the the length of the work sessions accordingly.
child alone. Sometimes, you and child might
like to include a parent; but other children are Explain Your Role. You need to let the
usually distracting and inhibiting. child know why you visit him, what plans are
being made for him, and the purpose of the
Brothers and Sisters. With brothers and book.
sisters, it is helpful to work both as a group
and with each child alone. Working as a group Have Frequent Sessions. Work sessions
saves time and also encourages cooperation and should be frequent enough to keep the child
communication between the children. Working interested and involved. Start the life book as
individually allows each child to share what he soon as you begin working with the child.
does not want to reveal in a group. Individual
work also helps when there are large gaps in As with adults, a child needs time to adjust to
age and ability, when the children do not get major changes in his life, especially traumatic
along, and when one child overshadows anoth- ones. It is unrealistic to expect him to absorb,
er. A good way to combine these approaches is understand, and accept the consequences of
to start as a group and then let some children major changes in a few short weeks. Starting
work on individual projects while you work shortly before a move home or into adoption is
alone with one child. better than not starting at all. Although it will
give the child the details of his story, it will not
Build Trust. The child needs to trust you. give him time to resolve his feelings.
Nurture his trust by keeping your appoint-
ments and being on time. In addition, let Involve the Child. For the life book to
the child know that you like him by showing be productive, the child must be involved.

2
You can encourage his participation by giving believe too much than to discount the child by
him some control over the project. Put aside believing too little.
preconceived notions of how the book should
progress and what it should look like. The child Encourage Parental Support. Explain to
may want to direct the flow of the book by dis- the foster or adoptive parent the reasons for
cussing certain topics before others. Respond- making the life book. A child confronts many
ing to the child’s imagination and spontaneity difficult issues while working on a life book and
will keep him/her involved. he will release his emotions after you leave,
especially if he trusts his parent and knows he
You also can encourage the child to participate has her support. A parent needs to understand
by asking him to share experiences about him- these emotions and the resulting behavior
self that are unknown to you. Since informa- changes and support what you are doing. In this
tion about foster and adoptive children is usu- way, both the parent and the child can cope
ally sketchy, the child often can make the book with the child’s past. Prepare the parent for
come alive with his unrecorded memories. One some regression in behavior as difficult topics
girl could remember the name of each pet she are covered. Although not a necessity, a parent
had including her favorite dog, “Funny Nose.” who can help the child talk about his feelings
It is wise to give the child the benefit of the will benefit him and also be an ally to you.
doubt concerning these memories. After you
and the child have worked together for awhile, Stress to the parent that the book belongs to
you will learn when the child is making more the child; it is for his use and he should have
of an experience than was there. It is best to easy access to it.

3
Every child’s life book should contain the see the positive, he also needs to know and to
significant facts of his history. The kinds of accept what has really happened.
information will be the same for most children
but the approach will vary according to the age Birth Facts.
and situation of the child and the purpose of
A non-threatening way to start a child ‘s life
the book. For example, a book used to pre-
book is to start at the beginning of his life.
pare a child for return to his birth family will
Most foster and adoptive children know little
have a different approach from a book used to
of their infancy and delight in learning about
prepare a child for adoption. Most books have
it. As a guide, consider what you know about
many common elements, including certain key
yourself as an infant and assume that the child
issues that need to be clarified for the child.
may like the same information. Include such
The child needs to know the role of foster
items as his date of birth, the time of day, the
care, the purpose of the courts and social
hospital, the city, county and state. Children
workers, that he has rights to parents and that
like to know how much they weighed and
separation from his birth parents was not his
what they looked like as newborns. With a tape
fault. He also needs to understand why his
measure, show the child exactly how long he
birth parents placed him for adoption and why
was at birth.
his foster parents did not adopt him. He needs
to know about his right to input on the adop- Photographs of the child as an infant are in-
tion and the fate of his siblings. valuable. Children frequently do not have baby
pictures but the photographs sometimes can be
In talking with a child about the events of his
obtained from the hospital where the child was
life, be as compassionate and as nonjudgmental
born. Include a copy of the child’s birth certifi-
as possible in your explanation. It helps if you
cate. In a few adoption cases, this may prove
include as many positive statements as possible
to be a breach of confidentiality. In most cases,
about the child and his caretakers, especially
however, the child will be old enough to know
his birth parents. While being compassionate,
the names anyway. If a birth parent has died,
you also need to be specific and present the
include a copy of the death certificate. Such
information in a way that gives the child an
documents provide a wealth of information
accurate picture. You may need practice with
concerning the time, place and legal status of
this because it is easy to couch the information
people and events. A death certificate provides
in such glowing and ambiguous terms that the
emotional ties for a child who has never known
message is lost. Although the child needs to

4
his parents and gives accurate answers to his Disabilities.
questions. Children welcome this information.
For handicapped children, you need to discuss
You may want to include some of the feelings the handicap. These children frequently feel
and concerns of the birth parents before and different from other children. Since children
at the time of the birth. Most of the time you assume responsibility for a move from their
will not have specific information about these birth families, a disabled child may feel that his
feelings. Often sound assumptions can be made parents gave him up because of his disability.
about the parents’ This may be true. In
concerns once you The child needs to know that any case, you should
explore the child’s
know the general
circumstances of the he is like other children. feelings of being dif-
birth. You can tell ferent and the effects
the child, for example, that his birth mother of his disability on his parent’s ability to rear
was very worried about how she would pro- him. Find a way to stress the child’s positive
vide for her new baby. Or, in some instances, qualities, bringing out that the child is lovable,
you can assume that the child’s parents looked despite his disability.
forward to the birth of their baby.
Brothers and Sisters.
Many children began moving through foster Because children show great concern over the
care when they were too young to remember fate of their siblings, you should try to locate
what happened. The child should know what the siblings and let the child know what has
types of arrangements were made for him and happened to them. A map is a good tool to use
why. Who took him from the hospital? Did he in this instance. It comforts the child to know,
live with a relative, a family friend or a baby for example, that a younger brother has been
sitter? Who were these people? Where did adopted and lives at a certain location which is
they live? Why did he live there instead of marked on the map. Explore the reasons the
with his birth parents? child was separated from his siblings and the
time of the separation. Also discuss his good
Development. and bad feelings about his siblings. Children
As you write, be as specific as you can about sometimes need help in resolving negative feel-
the child’s development. In the absence of ings toward siblings. Children often feel anger,
actual facts, you can again make reasonable hurt, disappointment, and resentment towards
assumptions. The child needs to know that their brothers and sisters. The resulting guilt
he is like other children. To tie significant amplifies when something happens to the other
happenings to an understandable time frame, children because the child assumes it was his
use developmental milestones and events such fault.
as birthdays. Use statements like: “Right after
you learned to walk, your birth mother let your Many children assume the role of parenting
aunt begin caring for you. Soon after younger brothers and sisters. These children
you were five, you went to live with Mr. and especially need reassurance that the younger
Mrs. Moore.” sibling is being taken care of. Get pictures of
the other children. Siblings often can exchange

5
letters or visit, and you may want to pursue not care for him because they drank too much
this for certain children. alcohol. He also needs to know that this was
his birth parents’ problem, not his.
Birth Parents.
Answers that gloss over the situation do not
A child needs to know about his birth parents.
satisfy the child. The common explanation
You should include a discussion of the par-
that “your mother couldn’t care for you, but
ents’ problems, their strengths, weaknesses,
she loved you so much that she gave you up
interests, physical and mental health, physical
for adoption” simply creates a nagging doubt in
description, education, background and their
the child’s mind, and suspicion that something
hopes and dreams. In short, the child needs to
wrong must have happened that others wish
see his birth parents as whole people. He also
to keep secret. One adult adoptee admitted to
needs to understand that he had two parents,
being haunted as a child by the question, “ Did
both a mother and a father. You generally will
my birth parents really love me?”
not have all this information but as much infor-
mation as possible should be given about both,
Although it is necessary to be specific, you
even in situations where the birth father’s
may hesitate to write down some problems
involvement was limited.
explicitly because they elicit negative feel-
ings in others. You may feel that writing these
It is crucial that the child knows the reasons
things in the book will violate the child’s
his birth parents placed him for adoption, the
privacy and create a problem for him shouId
events leading to the placement and his birth
he wish to share the book with others. Because
of this, you may choose to be less specific in
...the child needs to know writing than in telling. Many problems can be
that she was placed explained satisfactorily by concentrating on un-
derlying causes. By doing so, you can give the
because of her parents’ child concrete reasons for his parents’ behavior
problems, not hers. without writing a negative comment. In an ex-
planation for child abuse, for instance, you may
say that the child ‘s parent did not know how
parents’ feelings about the placement. These
to treat children because she was mistreated
matters should be explained to the child in
as a child. Because of this, the child’s parent
simple terms that make sense to him. Since
mistreated him. You can omit from the writ-
children assume the blame for their placement
ten account the specific abuse but you would
into foster care or adoption, the child needs
discuss it with the child.
to know that she was not placed because of
something she did or did not do. The deci-
If you and the child have started on the life
sion came because of her parents’ problems.
book after the child’s removal from his birth
Avoid sweeping terms like “mommy was sick”
or “your parents had a lot of problems.” The
child should know specifically that his mother ...answers that gloss
was young, had no job or money, and felt
overwhelmed at being responsible for a child.
over the situation do not
He needs to know if his birth parents couId satisfy the child.
6
home but before termination of parental rights, Again, the child needs to understand and
you need to keep the child up-to-date on the accept the situation. He will have difficulty
proceedings. You can let the child know that with separation if he sees his parent as a hero
the same problems or as a helpless victim
leading to his removal of the court. The
from the home and He will have difficulty with child needs to realize
still present. separation if he sees his that his birth parents
were given a fair
The child needs to parents as heroes or helpless chance.
know the kind of
planning his birth par-
victims of the court. As social worker,
ent was able to do for you will also want to
him even if it was limited. It helps the child explain your role to the child. Most children
if he knows that sometimes when parents are do not understand what a social worker is or
unable to care for their children, they feel so why they have one. Asking a child what a social
badly about it that they are unable to ask that worker does can be very revealing. One child
someone else take the responsibility for the said “Social workers tell people what to do.”
child’s care. This is when the court steps in. Tell the child that a social worker helps the
court make sure that he receives care. It some-
Courts and Social Workers. times helps the child to know that his birth
Once the child’s family becomes involved parents also have a social worker to help them
with the court, a social services agency and solve their problems. You may discuss other
social workers, the child needs an explanation things workers do. If the child is to return
of the role of each. The depth and type of home, you can tell the child that you will help
information given will vary considerably him and his parents live together again. When
according to his age, the plan for him and the plan for the child is adoption, you need to
where he is in the process. Since many tell him that it is your responsibility to find a
children fear courts and judges, you will want suitable home for him to grow up in. Tell the
to explore the child’s feelings and knowledge child that you will help him move and learn to
of them. A child needs to understand that get along in his new family.
the courts were established for protection as
Many children feel that they are bad, that they
well as for punishment. He needs to be told
caused their parents to give them up and that
that the judge’s job is to decide what is best
something is wrong with them, making them
for children and parents. You can say that the
unattractive to parents or undeserving of them.
judge can decide that the best thing is for the
Address these concerns and make it clear that
parents to get help so that they can become
the child was not at fault and that every child,
better parents. Other times, when the parents
himself included, needs and deserves perma-
can no longer care for their children, you can
nent parents.
tell the child that the judge will decide that
the best thing is to find new parents for the
Foster Care.
children-parents who can give them the love
and protection that they deserve. A foster child needs to know that foster care
is intended to be temporary until a permanent

7
plan can be made for him. He should under- You need to be able to sensitively explain the
stand that foster parents are not permanent move to the child. Many explanations will be
parents, but parents who care for children until simple, such as those that have to do with the
arrangements can be made for the children to foster parents’ age, illness, death, and status as
go to a home in which they will grow up. Since foster parents rather than as adoptive parents.
many children spend considerable time in fos- If a move from a foster home clearly is because
ter care, some explanation needs to be made of the child’s behavior, you need to cover that
of this. Concerning foster parents, the child also. You may say, “Amy was very sad and very
needs to know with whom he has lived, when angry that she moved from Momma Gordon’s
he lived there and the reason he moved if for home and because of this she acted up and had
a reason other than adoption. Be as specific as a hard time getting along with Mr. and Mrs.
possible. Time becomes more concrete if you Brown. Mr. and Mrs. Brown didn’t know how
can tie moves to events rather than to dates. to help Amy and felt that she did not want to
You could say, for example: “From the time live with them.” The child needs to understand
you were three until you were six, you lived that he is not, by nature, a bad person. It is
with Momma and Papa Caudill.” Include the most important that foster parents explain the
move to the child. Many foster parents find
It is understandable to this a difficult, if not impossible, task. Often
foster parents need your help so they know
feel happy and sad at the how to tell the child he is moving in a way that
same time.... minimizes the child’s feelings of rejection. It
also helps if you, the child and the foster par-
ents discuss the move together after the foster
exact dates. These will be unimportant to a parents have talked with the child .
child of seven, but important to him when he
is sixteen. Give this information to the child Going Home to Birth Parents.
for every situation he has lived in, be it foster When the plan is for the child to return home,
homes, children’s home or temporary shelter. his hopes and fears can be explored through
As much specific detail should be given as the life book. Tell the child what to expect and
possible about these living arrangements. You when to expect it. Discuss what the child’s
should use pictures and as many mementos birth parents have been doing since the child
that he has from the home such as birthday left, what the child has been doing, and how
cards and school papers. things are different. Talk about his feelings
about leaving the foster family. Children often
Since children frequently grow attached to
need assurance that it is all right to love their
foster homes, special care should be given to
foster family and that it is understandable
why the child was not adopted by the foster
when they feel sad and happy at the same time
parents. This job is easier if the child under-
about leaving. You may want to ask the child
stands the role of the foster parents and if
what he would like to happen differently when
the foster parents explain their reasons to the
he goes back. You should let him know that
child. However, many children, especially if
he will visit his birth parents more frequently
they have been in the foster home a Long time,
before he goes home.
view leaving a foster home as a personal rejec-
tion, just as they did leaving their birth parents.

8
Adoption. Along with the child’s right to some choice
comes her responsibility to an adoption. She
When you know or strongly suspect that
needs to know that making a family is hard
the child will be adopted, you need to begin
work. There will be compromises. It also helps
preparing the child. After defining adoption,
for her to know some of the things families do
you should discuss its emotional, social and
to solve problems. These may include learn-
legal aspects. The child needs to know how
ing to listen to and talk to one another, venting
adoptive homes are different from foster and
feelings, participating in counseling, and mak-
birth homes, and that he will find out about
ing and keeping records of personal changes.
his adoptive family before he meets them. He
needs to know that adoptions sometimes do
not work. You should approach the child with ...she needs to know her
“we hope that this will be the home that you responsibilities, that
will grow up in.” He needs an explanation of
how placements are done and how visitation making a family is
works. One five year old boy could not under- hard work.
stand why pre-placement visits were necessary
until it was explained that it takes time to get If an adoption fails, you should cover this in
to know and like a new family in the same way the child’s life book also. Information and
it does to, get to know a new friend. photographs of the adoptive parents shouId be
entered if they are not already there. Adop-
An often overlooked but necessary part of the tion disruption should be included and clearly
adoptive preparation is the child’s input and stated so that the child can refer to it. Let the
consent to adoption. As a result, they have a child write his version of the disruption in the
great deal of anger to vent. John, four years old, book. Include information on the difficulty of
threatened to hurt his social worker when she the adjustment or the sign of the disruption
came to take him to meet his new family. If the to the child as well as letting the child know
child feels he was placed for adoption against that this does not mean that he is undesirable.
his will, he will have a harder time adjusting to He should understand that relationships are
his new home. It is best that the child request two-sided and see the role of both himself and
to be adopted or, at least, agrees that it is a his parents in the disruption. Other meaningful
good plan. It is necessary for the child to have information should be included such as me-
input as to the family he wants. In this way, he mentos and an account of his activities.
feels he has some control over himself and his
life. Children at first may seem unreasonable Some children have ample background in-
in their demands when asked for suggestions, formation in their records, while others do
but they frequently are willing to make com- not. Many are missing large segments of their
promises. Approach compromises concerning background history. Whatever the information
available, it is still very important for the child
his future parents in the same way you would if
to have a clarification of the major issues in his
you were discussing his Christmas list.
life. Throughout work on the life book, you
Have him list by importance his wishes. You will help the child explore and deal with his
want the child to keep his hopes and dreams feelings as well as clarifying his history. Helpful
but to temper them with reality. techniques to use in this process will be dis-
cussed in the next chapter.

9
Techniques, Materials, and facts, or feelings. Ten year old Helen made her
story interesting and unique when she added
Sources of Information the names” of her pets, favorite games and
While working with a child on his book, not schoolteachers. Her verbal pictures of people
only will you cover the significant informa- and places gave color and feeling to her book.
tion of his life, but you also will deal with
the child’s needs, hopes, feelings and fears. A A child’s involvement in the writing will
number of techniques can help you address depend on his age, ability, emotional state, or
both the factual information and the child’s academic skills that frequently are not on a par
feelings, encouraging him to unlock, sort out with his age. For children who are very young,
and express his emotions. hyperactive, emotionally disturbed, or who
have short attention spans, write the story in
Writing the Book. advance, getting the child’s opinion as much
as possible. A collage of different types of
You may find that with school age children,
illustrations can be a good tool through such
you will most often share the writing. The
activities as pasting in pictures or doing role-
child will participate as his skills and desire
play. The child’s involvement determines the
allow him. You may write whole passages,
effectiveness and the benefits of the life book.
especially complex ones or those involving in-
formation uninteresting to the child now but of
interest in the future. Or, write the story, leav-
ing gaps where the child can contribute ideas,

Mom
a collage of different types of illustrations

10
Illustrating the Book. You can also iIIustrate the book with cartoon
figures cut from the funny papers. To explore
The best way to illustrate a life book is by us-
such topics as separation from loved ones, ask
ing photographs of the child at different ages
the child to draw pictures in his life book. The
and photographs of people and places signifi-
child might draw friends, caretakers, houses
cant to him. Some children come with photo-
where he has lived or anything else of meaning.
graphs. For those without them, you can often
Draw a picture frame and Iet the child draw in
gather photographs from those who have cared
his family portrait. He may also draw different
for the child, or take them yourself. · Photo-
periods of his life, connecting them with a
graphs are important to all children, but they
narrative. As well as documenting people and
are especially useful in working with younger
events, drawings can encourage the child to
children because they are tools that make ab-
express his feelings. Ask the child to draw
stract ideas real.
himself when he is angry, sad, or happy and ask
him to include what makes him feel that way.
To get more photographs, you can take the
For a younger child, you might draw a smiling
child to visit places which are special to him,
face and ask “What makes Peter happy?” For
photographing each place. This also gives the
other expressions, you might ask, “Why is
child a better sense of history. Visiting works
Melinda sad?” or “What makes Stacie mad?”
well if the child has lived most of his life in
To help keep the child’s attention, vary the
the same area. Let the child plan the stop-
drawing materials.
ping points: the hospital where he was born,
schools, houses where he has lived or places
Collages.
where friends lived. You can mark the places
on a map for the child. Thirteen-year-old Making collages helps document the child’s
Wayne, usually angry and sullen, became proud history and encourages him to express feelings.
and excited when he showed his social worker The collage may include certain themes or
the places he had lived and recounted stories periods in the child’s life. For example: my
about people he knew in the neighborhood. family looks like this; these things make
me happy; I am afraid of these things; this
In the absence of photographs, you can use happened when I was four; I feel this way
magazine pictures in the Life book to represent about my mother; this is how separation from
significant people. You can pre-cut pictures my birth family makes me feel. Many children
and let the child paste them in or, you may let will enjoy cutting out their own pictures,
the child choose and cut his own pictures. As although younger children will need precut
another alternative, you may want to Xerox pictures from which to choose. The activity
copies of drawings from children’s books. can be varied somewhat for the older child
These drawings can be of people or families who may want to make a poster rather than a
engaged in family activities. Using a drawing collage. Let the child choose the materials with
is an especially good idea for younger children which he prefers to work.
because the drawing is clearly only a symbol.
Young children often cannot tell the difference Story Telling.
between a photograph and a magazine picture. Another good way to get a child to express
They may assume that the magazine picture feelings is to prompt her with a story telling
represents an actual person in their lives. exercise. Give the child a situation and let her

11
construct a story around Listing exercises stimu-
it. “Bill is moving to a ...a good way to get a late discussion between
new house. What hap-
pens to Bill?” “Sandy
child to express feelings is you and the child. In
this way you learn of
is going to live with to give her a storytelling the child’s concern and
her birth mother again.
What is she worried
exercise — give her a give him the reassur-
ance he needs.
about?” A teenager can situation and let her
Diagrams.
apply her creative skills
to her own story. Ask
make up a story.
As another tool to aid
her to construct her story based on a theme in discussions, make simple diagrams or socio-
her life. These may include: What bothers me? grams of family relationships. Talk about how
What has made me happy? How I would like different family members relate to one another
my life to be; how my feelings have changed including what they expect from each other.
about my birth mother. This activity may be With a diagram a child can show you how he
easier and more interesting for the teenager if expects a family to work. Children and parents
she can use a tape recorder instead of writing. often have very different expectations of the
same situation.
Lists.
A child’s concerns, feelings and fears are usu-
ally tightly entangled inside him and, without
help, he has no way to clarify and segregate his
€  € 
feelings so that he can address them.

Making lists encourages a child to sort his feel-

‚ ‚
Two simple diagrams. The left describes a child’s view
ings about issues. You may pose a question and of his alignment with dad, against mom. The right is a
get the child to answer in his book with a list social worker’s diagram of a more healthy alignment.
of items. For example, you might ask: What
does it mean to be adopted? How do you have Letter Writing.
to change? What makes a good family? What
Book making will stir up many feelings the
makes you afraid, worried, or angry? How
child has buried or dared not express. Another
can you show your feelings? You can explore
technique, letter writing, gives the child a way
different roles and lifestyles by asking “How
to express these feelings. Before doing this ex-
do families do things differently?” or “How do
ercise, consider sending the child a letter. Since
mothers or fathers do things differently?”
many children do not receive mail, this would
acquaint him with communicating through
A similar technique is a fill-in-the-blank exer-
letters. Then, ask the child to write a letter to
cise. You supply the sentence to be completed
someone important to him and tell that person
and the child supplies the answer to such
how he feels. This is an opportunity for the
sentences as “When I am sad I ,” “What makes
child to vent his feelings, both good and bad. A
me feel alone is,” or “What I like best about
child who is angry at his birth parents for not
my family is .” Each sentence can be illustrated
keeping him could write them expressing his
by a drawing.
anger. A child who is going home could write

12
his birth parents a letter expressing his hope Materials.
that things will work out. A child who is afraid
You will find in compiling the life book that
his adoptive parents will not keep him could
you have at your disposal a number of materi-
write a letter to them about his concerns. As-
als that are readily available, easily used and
sure the child that he decides whether to mail
conveniently stored. Keep on hand a small
the letter. Most letters will be kept in the life
supply of paper, crayons, pens, pencils, magic
book.
markers, paste or glue and scissors. Magazines
Puppets. can be kept for making collages and posters.
Story books provide a good source of pictures
For a child with more than the average difficul- as well. Instead of using paper for all projects,
ty understanding his feelings, puppets are often substitute scraps of fabric. For making posters
useful. It is helpful to have the child’s puppet or collages, you will need a cheap backing such
represent the child and your puppet represent as poster board, thin cardboard, newsprint or
a person with whom the child is having prob- freezer paper. Many printing companies will
lems. The two puppets then interact. The child give scrap material free. Puppets can be made
or you can role play along the lines of an issue from an assortment of materials-everything
that is a problem. It is sometimes revealing for from popsicle sticks to clothespins to old
child to be the person he is having difficulty socks. Attach cardboard faces to popsicle
with. Or the child can use both puppets and sticks, sew faces on old socks or draw faces
become two people in his life. Puppets also on the back of plastic spoons. Puppets made
help children vent feelings otherwise difficult from the cardboard tubes from toilet tissue are
to express. The child can more easily make a simple and quick to make. A brown paper sack
puppet be angry and fight than to admit anger makes an interesting puppet-the fold in the
himself. This technique helps him identify his flattened sack becomes a mouth. The eyes and
anger and fear. Puppets can also teach chil- nose could be a cut out.
dren to accept praise from others. It is less
threatening for one puppet to accept praise While working on the book, other simple toys
from another than it is for a child to accept such as dolls trucks, cars or day may be used.
praise from others. You can use information At some time you may also use a camera,
from the puppet activities to design specific maps, tape recorder, or copying machine.
exercises for the life book, addressing concerns
exposed during the puppet play. Or, puppets Finally, to assemble the life book, use a photo
can be used to prompt work on other Iife book album, a loose-leaf binder, or folder with
activities. In addition to puppets, other toys pockets, choosing one that can be expanded or
can be used. For very young children, you can taken apart and reassembled as needed.
use toy cars, trucks or people to act out what
is actually happening to the child. Or let the Sources of Information
child act it out. The possibilities for techniques As well as the case record, the child’s memory
are unlimited. Each situation will lend itself to or the parents’ account of the child’s life, you
various approaches, according to your ability can use other means to learn about the child’s
and the needs of the child. life history, his personality and his unresolved
emotional issues. Most additional information
will come from other people who have known

13
the child: hospital personnel, teachers, day parents, or the child concerning their memo-
care workers, neighbors and temporary shel- ries and feelings about him. One foster mother
ter personnel. Also consider getting the help was able to explain in her letter why Becky had
of previous adoptive or foster parents, older to be moved. This meant more to Becky than
siblings, relatives other than the birth parents, any other information. Receiving letters gives
and church schoolteachers. the child a way to stay in touch with impor-
tant people, as well as encouraging a positive
Frequently, more than one social worker has self-image. Before the child corresponds with
known the child and there is more informa- others, get the approval of the foster or adop-
tion about the child’s family than that in the tive parents.
case record. Ask the other social workers more
about the family’s history, placement details Many times social workers hesitate to ask oth-
and their successes and failures with the child. ers for more information, feeling that none is
available or that the request will be an imposi-
The developmental history of most foster tion. Most people are quite willing to help by
children is sketchy. These other people may rechecking a record or relooking for old pic-
provide missing information about a child’s tures. One foster mother contributed not only
development, his likes and dislikes, and their a picture of her family for the child’s life book
perception of his needs. but also pictures of two of the child’s previous
foster families. The occasional rebuff is the
Often other people are willing to write letters exception and not the rule.
to the social worker, the adoptive or foster

14
Children’s interests and abilities develop as because of his short attention span, the stories
they do. Since children vary considerably in must be simple and brief.
their development, select the appropriate tech-
nique according to the maturity, interests and While playing, the two-year old imitates the
abilities of each child. Many techniques can be actions of adults. He is possessive of toys and
adjusted to several ages. This chapter describes does not play with other children. The child
the characteristics of each developmental stage demands attention and likes to stay active. He
and describes, in chart form, the techniques will follow simple directions. The two-year old
that work best with different aged children. is sometimes sure of himself but at times clings
to familiar adults. Like the toddler, he resists
The Eighteen Month Old. authority and throws temper tantrums. He can
At 18 months, the child is no longer a baby; he also be demanding and persistent.
has become a toddler. In his eyes he is all im-
portant, unable to see other children as people.
The Three Year Old.
The toddler is self-willed and unable to share. Unlike the two-year old, a three-year old tries
He has a limited use of words. Fascinated by to please and to conform. He shows love to-
picture books, he turns pages by groups and wards parents and siblings and does not always
identifies pictures. At 18 months, a child can insist on getting his way. The three-year old is
sit at a table and pay attention when addressed. more secure about himself and his relationship
He can perform simple tasks such as handing with others. He tries to be independent but
familiar items to an adult upon request. Eigh- occasionally reverts to less mature behavior.
teen months is a contradictory age: the child Sometimes he has to test his limits. With his
needs emotional support from familiar adults, increased maturity comes a longer attention
yet often resists authority. span. The three-year old will tolerate group ac-
tivities and actually enjoys playing with others.
The Two Year Old. He can also share and wait his turn. The three-
Language is a major developmental area for the year old child needs someone to understand
two-year old. He shows interest in conversa- and respect his feelings.
tion and talks to himself continually. He also
A child this age engages in dramatic play.
learns sentences and how to express wishes
Sometimes, he has imaginary friends or plays
and feelings. The two-year old can name fa-
make believe games. He likes to tell stories,
miliar objects and obey simple commands. He
ask questions and just listen to himself talk.
likes to talk about pictures. He enjoys hearing
He also enjoys hearing his favorite stories. The
stories, especially those about himself; but,
three-year old asks the questions: “What?”,

15
“Where?” and “Who?” He can briefly explain before he begins. In play, he will build, play
what he is doing and what happened in the dress up, or use props.
past.
The Five Year Old.
The three-year old enjoys drawing and painting
A five year old is a more secure, stable, accom-
and can draw simple shapes, including a per-
modating and reliable child. With increased
son. He uses crayons, chalk, collage materials,
self-respect, he becomes more sensitive to the
clay and play dough.
needs and feelings of others. He chooses his
own friends and participates in group activities.
Children from 18 months to three years old
The five year old is highly creative if encour-
play with child size furniture, telephones,
aged; he plans a project in detail and is patient
dishes, cooking utensils, play tools, dolls and
and enthusiastic about completing his work.
doll furniture.
Encourage his drawing, painting, cutting, past-
The Four Year Old. ing and working with clay or play dough. When
drawing a person, he will probably include a
Physical activity characterizes the four year trunk, head, arms, legs, and features. He colors
old. He is developing good motor control and pictures carefully.
proficiency at tasks requiring hand-eye control.
In drawing a person, for example, he is able to The five year old’s intellectual skills include:
include a head, legs, arms and a trunk. He can collecting and classifying, thinking through and
cut on a line with scissors and make designs. solving problems. He enjoys hearing stories and
later acts them out with friends. He can ex-
The four year old’s body and mind develop plain the meaning of concrete nouns by usage
rapidly. He talks continually, using correct and asks what abstract words mean. The child
grammar. He is curious about the meaning of has a clearer concept of himself and his role in
words and sometimes uses adult words out of the family, and to some extent, his role in rela-
context. He also loves hearing and telling tales tion to other people.
and occasionally confuses fact and fantasy. The
four year old shows signs of a developing sense The Six Year Old.
of humor; he is loud and giggly. His intellectual
The six year old is becoming more like an adult
skills include classification, reasoning and con-
than a child. Although he cannot reason in an
cepts of number, size, weight, color, position,
abstract, adult way, he can explain how things
distance and time.
differ and how they are alike. He is eager to
A child this age is more aware of his peers; try something new while also being demand-
he argues with other children but needs their ing, stubborn and sometimes unruIy. He often
companionship. The child plays roles by him- wants to win at games.
self or in a group. He needs to feel important
Toys for children ages three to six include
and to receive praise, as well as to exercise
dress-up clothes, puppets, dolls, stuffed
freedom and independence.
animals, village sets, trucks, cars, planes, and
The four year old also likes to paint and experi- construction sets. Children
ment with color. He may even plan an activity

16
in this age group also enjoy playing roles such and abstractions. He understands and can tell
as teacher or store clerk. time and distinguishes between similar objects.

The Seven Year Old. Toys for children six to nine years old include:
housekeeping toys that do something, building
The seven year old may prefer to watch rather
sets, tools, masks, store play sets, doll houses
than to do. Sometimes he tries to take on too
and furniture.
much. He is often moody, likes to be on his
own and has spells of intense learning that
Toys for nine to twelve year olds include:
alternate with periods of forgetfulness. The
handicraft sets, model kits, complex puppets
seven year old loves to draw and will draw a
and make-up kits. Children over twelve enjoy
person with originality. He can give the oppo-
complex handicraft sets, kits for staging plays,
site meanings of words.
and cameras.
The Eight Year Old. For more information about developmental
Independent and explorative, the eight year characteristics, see Child’s Body: A Parent’s
old wants to learn about his environment and Manual by the Diagram Group. New York:
be on his own. He believes no task is too dif- Bantam Books, 1979.
ficult to handle.

He is concerned about other people’s opinions;

making new friends is important to him. He
can make judgments involving generalizations

17
18
TECHNIQUES BY AGE
18 mos.-2 yrs. 3 yrs. 4-5 yrs. 6-8 yrs. 9-11 yrs. 12-on

Pre-written story with photographs X X X

Use dolls, cars, small people to tell story X X
Ask concrete questions about past and X X X X X
present
Tell simple stories using the puppets X X
Make collage X X X
Draw or paint X X X X
Work with clay or play dough X X
Role play with dolls, puppets, etc. X X
Make up a story X X X
Write own story (use a tape recorder) X X X
Make lists X X X
Visit significant places X X X
Write letters X X X
Discuss defenses and fears X X X
Make a poster X X
Role play without props X X
Use photographs to supplement narrative X X X X X X
Dealing with the past is a continuing process work. Just as the child deserves an explanation
and feelings from significant times in the of his past, he also deserves to be given the
past will resurface, especially on meaningful tools to make a success of the present.
occasions such as birthdays and holidays. At
some point, however, the child’s efforts turn Start with Feelings. To begin, help the child
from the past to the present and to becom- understand his feelings, concerns, fears and
hopes about the permanent family. He needs
ing a member of a new family. This chapter
to understand and accept himself before he can
explores how families learn to get along. The
deal with others. Working on adoption issues
life book is an especially practical tool to
and a life book can give him a good sense of
aid in a child’s adjustment and in the fam-
what has happened to him, but he also needs
ily building process because it enhances his
reassurance that it is normal to feel angry and
self-image, helps him communicate, marks
afraid. Children incorporate messages through
the progress of the placement and serves as a
repetition, so review the life book frequently.
format for his self expression. This will help the child learn to identify his
emotions for himself and it will give you the
Because family building involves the entire
opportunity to assure him that these emo-
family, the caretakers’ involvement is vital to
tions are normal. Also assure him that most
the process of change and adjustment. Many of
people would respond as he did if given the
the exercises require prompting from a parent.
same situation. You may further this process by
Some are best done by a parent.
using techniques outlined earlier in this book:
People sometimes do not believe children can drawing, making collages, letter writing, story
understand the dynamics of human relation- writing and using a tape recorder.
ships. Experience has shown that children are
Communication. The life book can help the
able to understand how relationships work and
child learn good communication techniques,
how to make them work better. Some children
which are essential to his adjustment. He
are amazingly perceptive in this area. When
needs to express his feelings clearly and con-
confronted with failure, ten year old Bryan de-
structively. If the child learns to express his
nied his feelings by saying, “I don’t care.” After
feelings by saying, “I feel angry” or “I feel
his social worker explained what he really
afraid,” he takes responsibility for his own
meant when he said that, he was able, a week
feelings and communicates his need rather
later, to use this information to understand
than accusing others or acting out his impulses.
his feelings about failure. Your ease in discuss-
Practice communication by using puppets.
ing the issues and your faith that the child can
understand are necessary if the exercises are to

19
For more information on effective communica- Since children suffer feelings of rejection from
tion skills, refer to Parent Effectiveness Train- birth parents, many children behave so that
ing by Dr. Thomas Gordon. New York: New adoptive parents will reject them in the same
American library, 1975. way as their birth parents did. Children who
have had multiple placements are more likely
List Making. Once the child is aware of his to behave this way. Rejection creates a cycle
feelings, one simple way to clarify both feelings that feeds upon itself. Fear of rejection elicits
and related issues is to use a listing exercise. feelings of insecurity followed by testing and
Either before placement or after, pose the misbehavior. This misbehavior makes it dif-
question “What does it mean to be adopted?” ficult for the parent to like the child. The child
This is a good way to clarify certain key points is aware of the parents’ displeasure and be-
such as, “Your adoptive parents will become comes more fearful and insecure, thus starting
your legal parents,” “Your birth parents are no the cycle again. This concept is difficult and
longer legally your parents.” Cover lighter is- drawing it in a circle outlines the idea so that
sues also. For example, children are frequently the child can understand.
fascinated with getting new grandparents and
with the concept of inheritance. Developing Relationships. If the child is hav-
ing trouble with one family member, work on
Once the child has been placed, you can do that relationship in the life book by defining it
listing exercises dealing with such questions and have the child list what he likes and does
as “How is adoption easy?” “How is it hard?” not like about the relationship. To make it
“How is my new family different than my easier to express himself, he can use puppets.
other family?” These questions work well be- He can think of things that he might do to
cause they allow you to explore differing values improve the relationship such as expressing af-
and life styles with the child. In this way, you fection, doing something nice for that person,
can give your approval of the new situation or asking that person to do a fun activity with
and your assurance that this family’s differing him.
values are acceptable.
Controlling Behavior. After a child under-
Diagrams. For a child confused about his place stands his feelings and his behavior, he will
in the family, a simple diagram of a family is still need help using this knowledge to control
helpful. Include a short discussion of what is the way to reacts. He needs to know what to
expected and what usually happens in brother- change and how. The child can use a chart to
sister, father-son, husband-wife relationships. record the changes in his behavior. Children
This works well with the child who disrupts his will need a parent’s assistance to do this. The
family by placing himself between the parents chart can be kept anywhere, but the life book
or by acting as parent to one of the siblings. provides privacy. A chart for a child who has
Draw how he has placed himself inappropri- problems with his temper might look like this.
ately between family members. Then discuss
with him the dynamics of his behavior and
its impact on his family and on himself. The
child’s understanding of his behavior must be
the first step in change. The life book can help
parents and children work on changes together.

20
When I get angry, I:
Mon. Tues. Wed. Thurs. Fri. Sat. Sun.
(1) Vent my feelings in an acceptable way:
(a) punching a pillow (b) exercise (c)_______ ?

(2) Take time out to think about why I am angry.

(3) Take time out to think if I am being fair.

(4) Talk to my parents.

(5) Look for another way to solve the problem.

The child can put a check if he succeeds with be given to the parents or kept in the life book.
each aspect of the problem. The parent can One nine year old who was given to temper
reward the child for the desired behavior. This tantrums, could not tell her parents that she
activity is self-rewarding because as the child loved them, but was able to write a letter tell-
becomes more skilled in each area, he will have ing them what she felt and leave it where they
the checks to remind himself of his progress. would find it.
His growing sense of accomplishment and con-
trol will improve his self-image. A list of ways in which one person can show in-
terest and caring for another can be helpful. If
Success and Self-Image. Other ways to im- everyone is comfortable touching, hugging, and
prove a child’s self-image include a calendar showing affection, this should be taken advan-
of his successes such as earning an A in spell- tage of. Sometimes, extending oneself in this
ing, making a new friend, or learning to ride a manner may appear dishonest. However, the
bicycle. The child can list the things he likes intent is to express a hope for the relationship
about himself and you can list the things you rather than to give a false show of affection.
like about him. Or, give the child a task in
which he will do well and afterwards record A parent can help his new child feel wanted by
his success. making a family tree. Together the parent and
child can draw or-paint a family tree, including
Reaching Out. Those involved in an adoption grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, parents,
can gain by extending themselves to each other new brothers and sisters, and the child. Draw
as if they already loved one another. Have the family members on the tree or paste on small
child write a letter to his new parents express- pictures of each member.
ing his hope for the relationship. The letter can

21
Working on a life book can be difficult for you Explain what you hope to accomplish and in
and the child. Barriers may arise due to your what ways the book will be valuable to him.
attitudes or the child’s, or from the child’s More than likely, the child’s apparent disinter-
emotional problems. est is to avoid talking about personal topics. As
you work, you will discover the painful topics.
The Child Who Will Not Talk. The first barri- Reassure him that it is normal not to want to
er you may encounter is a child’s unwillingness talk about these things but that it is necessary
to talk because he is anxious about working on to discuss them. As with the child who will not
the book. To counter this, help the child relax talk, encourage the child’s involvement. It also
with an activity like playing a game or eating. helps to start each session by contracting with
These activities help build trust between you. the child for the length of the session and stick
Plan activities that are appropriate for the to your agreement.
child’s age. Vary the activities to make the time
more interesting. As you work with him, have The Child Cannot Write. When working with
him repeat what was said to be sure that he a child who cannot write, write for him as you
understands. Because he is already uncomfort- go along. For a child with a short attention
able, avoid increasing his anxiety by working span, have the story written beforehand. If the
too long or covering too much material. When child has some writing skills, you and the child
you begin, let the child know how long your can share the writing. Assure him that gram-
sessions will be. Tell him exactly what you will mar and spelling are not as important as the
be doing and why. expression of his ideas. If the child is comfort-
able with talking but not with writing, try using
Encouraging the child’s involvement in the a tape recorder. But before you begin, put him
project will also stimulate his participation. at ease by familiarizing him with the equip-
One reluctant eight year old became very ment. Many children who cannot write are
excited about his book after he found a num- comfortable with drawing. A child’s life story
ber of old pictures of his birth family that his could be told in a series of drawings which the
grandmother had tucked into an old wallet she worker could tie together with a narrative.
had given him. This gave him something he
could contribute to the book. Problems with Materials. As limited writing
skills hinder a child, so does his inexperience
The Disinterested Child. Another problem with art supplies. To overcome this, let the
is a child’s apathy. Before you begin, try to child experiment with some of the materials
determine why he does not want to work by doing some enjoyable exercises. Enlist the
on the book. He may not realize its purpose. help of foster or adoptive parents to relax the

22
child. You also can show the child some simple ber that the book is the child’s and not a reflec-
examples. He might like to see how other tion of your artistic abilities. You will feel more
children have done their life books. Assure the comfortable once you have done a life book.
child that the book belongs to him and that it
is not a graded assignment. Often you will feel intimidated by the child’s
complaints that he is bored or by his lack of
Getting to Know Him. As the worker, you enthusiasm. A child can make you feel inad-
may encounter personal hindrances in doing equate and incompetent. He can add to your
a life book. Not knowing the child presents frustration by implying that he has nothing
a problem. Before working on the life book, to gain and you may fear that you are doing
get some information about the child from emotional damage to him. This pressure may
a teacher, a friend or the foster or adoptive be strong enough to tempt you to abandon the
parents. Find out what the child can or cannot project. But do not become easily discouraged
do. For your first session, get acquainted by or allow the child to control the situation. The
doing some neutral activities such as playing a child who appears bored or disinterested usu-
game. A good tool to use in getting acquainted ally is the one who needs the most help.
is The Second Anti-Coloring Book by Susan
Striker and Edward Kimmel. New York: Hold, Your Commitment. Before the life book can
Rinehart and Winston, 1979. Each page of this work, you must be convinced that you can use
coloring book starts the child on a creative it to help the child. Keep in mind that chil-
approach to a topic. Some of the topics are dren need you to explain what has happened
whimsical, others serious. to them and they also need a way to tell their
story. Working on a life book will bring up
Inexperience and Intimidation. If you feel painful memories and the immediate results
inexperienced, begin by looking at examples may be difficult to live with. But, long term, it
of other life books. If none are available, look will stabilize the child and develop his sense of
through local libraries for children’s books. identity. Since the life book provides an excel-
These will give you clues as to tone, illustra- lent means of discussing feelings, it can make
tions, story content, and children’s interests. the therapeutic aspect of your task easier.
To ease your feelings of inexperience, remem-

...to ease your feelings of

inexperience, remember that
the book is the child’s and not a
reflection of your artistic abilities.

23
This book has shown how a life book can give A divorce requires ongoing work, especially
a child a sense of his history and prepare him when there is visitation between the child and
for adoption or for return to his birth family. the parent who leaves. Both parents can use
Life books can also be used effectively with the Iife book to give specific reasons for the
children who are not separated from their divorce and to assure the child that he did not
birth families but who are experiencing other cause the breakup. Update plans that pertain
serious disruptions in their Iives, such as the to the child, especially visitation plans. Ex-
death of a parent or sibling, the divorce of plore feelings such as the child’s sense of loss
parents, a serious illness, or a move from one through life book exercises. Explain changes
place to another. In any of these disruptions in family structure including the parents’ new
the life book will give the child an under- way of relating to one another, perhaps by
standing of the problem, assure him that he drawing diagrams. Parents can also use the Iife
did not cause it, allow him to express his book to exp lore the child’s fears and concerns
when either parent begins to date.
feelings and give him a tool to cope with the
situation.
When a child is seriously ill, use the life book
to describe the illness, to explain how people
When a loved one dies, the parent should
get sick and to prepare him for medical treat-
explore the child’s understanding of death,
ment. Use the book to let him vent his feel-
including how people get sick, what death
ings. When he is confined to bed, the book
is and that death is permanent. The parent
can be an activity book for the child, easing his
should identify the specific cause of the death,
boredom and stimulating him through games
pointing out that it was not the child’s fault.
or puzzles.
The parent might use puppets or other exer-
cises to explore the child’s feelings including
The life book can also help prepare a child for
those of guilt or abandonment. The child could
a move. Give him his new address and a de-
also write a letter, poem, or story expressing
scription of his new neighborhood. Use maps
his love or his sense of loss. Include memen-
to show the distance between the new and
tos in his life book. Encourage the child to list
old homes, and the location of his new home,
memories of good and bad times so that he can
school, and church. For his records, do the
remember the person realistically.
same for the old neighborhood. Include a map
of interesting places to explore in the new city.

24
The life book is a good place to keep pictures are others who can effectively work with him.
and addresses of playmates. The child may also In time of family crisis, it is difficult to deal
want pictures of the old house and school or with issues thoroughly. Life books give parents
similar mementos. and children a tool to go beyond a superficial
look at the problem, thus insuring that the
Use a life book to deal with any loss or child resolves it and is able to continue building
disruption. Whatever the issues, the parent is his life.
best suited to work with the child but there

25
I. ISSUES:
(A) Birth Information
(B) Feelings of Birth Parents About Child’s Birth
(C) Description of Birth Family
*(D) Why the Child Was Placed Into Foster Care or For Adoption
*(E) The Child’s Placement Was Not His Fault
(F) Involvement of Court
(G) Involvement of Social Worker
*(H) Fate of Siblings
II. TECHNIQUES:
(A) Use information sheets, maps, documents, to give information.
(B) Discuss and write a description of D, E and H.
(C) Write letters to vent feelings.
(D) Use puppets and role play to talk about feelings.
(E) Use dolls, puppets, toys and cars to act out what happened (for preschoolers).
(F) Tell stories and make collages around themes.
(1) What I liked about my mother.
(2) What about my Iife made me sad, happy, angry.
(3) When I lost my family, I felt
(4) I am afraid when
(5) The worst/best thing that ever happened to me.
(G) Use a tape recorder as an ice breaker and story telling tool.
(H) Make a time line ­— a chronological list of life events.

* critical issues

27
TALKING ABOUT THE BIRTH FAMILY:
Birth Information
Birth is usually heralded as a singularly significant event in each child’s life, including children in
foster care. However, many foster children do not have the benefit of real history, family legend and
continuity to have a fixed beginning as a part of their identity. Some process is needed to help the
child coming into care to gain a sense of who he is. One of the most effective ways to do this is to
let the child share and work through his past and present life in a book that the child can take with
him as he moves. Each child in care deserves to have a life book, regardless of the plan for him.

At some point in helping a child make a life book you will deal with his beginning. The bare statis-
tics, which may seem dry to a worker, are usually of much interest to the child. A birth certificate
can yield an interesting story. Birth parents, relatives, those who have worked with the child and
the child’s memory will add still more.

This important event can usually be assumed to be a happy one. Care should be taken to put special
emphasis on the positive aspects of the child’s birth date. Assume as much as you can while utiliz-
ing information, i.e. “Jimmy’s parents wanted a little boy and were very happy when he was born.”
“The day Jimmy was born was a special day for Jimmy’s parents.” “A very important date for
Jimmy’s parents was April 10, 1973-that was the day Jimmy was born.”

Illustrations and pictures give the child a pleasant, positive feeling about his beginning as you put in
time, date, measurements, and information while talking with the child. Your affect will be an as-
surance that getting born was an important and meaningful time for Jimmy.

You might include something about his name, “Jimmy was named after his father and grandfather.”
You could say how handsome he was with pretty eyes, beautiful long fingers, etc. Jimmy needs to
know he did all the regular things that babies do-he cried, burped, kicked, cooed, laughed.

28
 Your Birth
You were born _________________________________________ in ____________________________,

(State) ________________________________________ hospital. What a dear, sweet baby you were.

29
 I Was Born
On_________________________________ (date)

at _ _______________________________ (place)

____________________________________(city)

I weighed__________ pounds, _________ ounces

and was _______________________ inches long.

I was born at ________________________ (time)

in _ _____________________________ (hospital)

I went home with _____________________________________________________________________

Address _____________________________________________________________________________

because _ ____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

I moved because __________________________

________________________________________

________________________________________

________________________________________

________________________________________

________________________________________

I lived there until _________________________

________________________________________

30
31
 My Family Tree

32
 Growing and Learning
Held my head up ___________________________

Turned my head from side to side _ ____________

Turned over_ _______________________________

Smiled____________________________________

Laughed___________________________________

Discovered hands_ __________________________

Reached for an object________________________

Got my first tooth___________________________

Sat alone___________________________________

Crawled___________________________________

Stood alone_ _______________________________

Walked____________________________________

Went down steps____________________________

Went up steps_ _____________________________

Said a word_ ________________________________________________

Said a sentence_ _____________________________________________

Fed myself__________________________________________________

Helped dress myself__________________________________________

And________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________

33
 How I’ve Grown

Age Weight Height

______________ ______________ ______________

______________ ______________ ______________

______________ ______________ ______________

______________ ______________ ______________

______________ ______________ ______________

______________ ______________ ______________

______________ ______________ ______________

34
 Health Record
Medical Number _______________________
Childhood Diseases and Illnesses:
Type Date Duration Remarks

Immunizations:
Date Boosters Received Series Completed
DPT:

Diptheria ____________________

Whooping Cough ____________________

Tetanus ____________________

Polio ____________________

Mumps ____________________

Measles ____________________

Typhoid ____________________

Rubella ____________________
Smallpox ____________________

Others: ____________________

____________________

Date Reaction
Tests:

Schick ____________________

Tuberculin ____________________

____________________

35
As you talk to the child about his beginning, you will find it necessary to begin working toward re-
solving the child’s feelings about his birth family. The child’s biological heritage has been established
by his birth parents and care should be taken to give him as accurate a picture of his ancestors as
possible. Be as detailed as you can about dates, events, ages, statistics and health records. If there is
a lot of information, you will be lucky. As you work with the birth family, jot down information and
take pictures for future use.

Nurture the idea that parents have a responsibility toward their children to give them a home, shel-
ter and food. We all have responsibilities and sometimes we cannot meet those responsibilities.

Leaving a birth home is a very traumatic event. Children often feel confused, angry, helpless and
humiliated. Memories are unclear; traumas are often spawned from this single event. Understand-
ing what led to this loss is a difficult and slow procedure but extremely important if the child is to
proceed with a healthy mental and emotional life.

Children view the events that happen to them as their fault. Children feel guilty because they
believe they are the cause of family failures. Children generally are immature and self-centered be-
lieving they cause the day to day things that happen to them. Usually they will center on whatever
behavior or feeling they are having at the time. If Jimmy cries because he was frightened by the
argument mom and her boyfriend were having the night the police removed him, Jimmy later may
feel it was all his fault because he cried.

Deal honestly, but gently, with feelings, concerns, and events. Helping the child to see realistically
what has happened to him without making the birth parents appear to be ogres is difficult. Workers
often have feelings of their own that have to be dealt with prior to helping the child.

It helps to remember that sometimes telling a story in its’ simplest terms can be the answer. For ex-
ample, if Jimmy’s mom is a prostitute, Jimmy needs to understand that his mom had needs of her
own. She may have made poor choices more times than not and especially where her boyfriends
were concerned. The boyfriends were not always nice to her, and depending on the circumstances,
got her into trouble with the law or they were mean to Jimmy.

36
Your Mom and Dad were friends for awhile.

37
This is my _____________________________ (Father, Mother, friend, home).

38
 A Mom and Dad care for their children by doing:

________________________________________

________________________________________

________________________________________

________________________________________

________________________________________

________________________________________

________________________________________

________________________________________

________________________________________

________________________________________

My Mom and Dad did:

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

39
40
Growing As I Go

Dates of events
Life events
 Fill in the blank sheet for child’s placement.

When you were __________________ your ______________________ began to have serious problems.

She __________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

It was very hard for her to work these things out for herself and take care of you too. You needed all
the things that all children need and she began to worry that she would not be able to care for you.

One day ______________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

This was a hard time for your mother. She felt sad and mad and confused about your leaving. In her
heart, she did not want you to go. But she also felt good that you would be getting good care and
the things you needed.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

41
Sample Description Of Five Year Old’s Separation From Parents
When you were five years old and your mom was twenty, she began to have some serious problems.
She was very young for a mom and had to depend on others to give her and you the things you both
needed, a place to live and food. She had no money, no job, and not enough education. She had a
hard time taking care of a little boy and trying to get these things too.
Because of this, she didn’t feel good about herself. When people don’t feel good about themselves,
sometimes they don’t make good choices about the people they spend time with or the things they
do. Your mom had trouble making good choices and got into trouble with the law. This made her
feel even worse about herself.
By this time, your mom was feeling pretty desperate. That is a strong feeling people have when they
don’t know what to do or don’t feel they can do anything to help themselves. She was very worried
about what would happen to you. She felt she could not take care of you and give you the things you
needed and also give herself the things she needed. This was a very hard time for her. She had a lot
of sad, mad and confused feelings. She wanted you to have the things you needed, a stable home
and food. Because of this, she asked the social worker to help find a good home for you.

Sample Description Of Ten Year Old’s Separation From Parent

You lived with your mom and dad until just after your tenth birthday. Sometimes there were very
happy times and sometimes there were very sad times. Your dad had a hard time growing up and
his parents had mistreated him and sometimes they hurt him. Because of this, he didn’t know
how to treat his own children. Sometimes he expected them to act like grownups rather than like
children. He wanted to be a good dad to you but he didn’t know how to do it. Because he had been
hurt, he sometimes hurt you. This made both of you very sad and you were very afraid.
Now, your mom hadn’t had a good time growing up either and she was very afraid of your dad too.
Sometimes he hurt her also. Because of this, she was unable to protect you.
Now, it is every child’s right to grow up safe from harm. It is one job of the courts to make sure
that children are safe. The courts ask social workers to help them make sure children are safe. Be-
cause you were in danger, the social worker found a safe place, a foster home, for you to live until
your mom and dad could learn how to take care of you without hurting you. Your little brother and
little sister also came with you to foster care.

Sample Description Of Fourteen Year Old’s Separation From Parent

Now, we both know that you and your mom had been having a hard time of it. Even though she
loves you very much, she had a hard time knowing what to do with kids. She wasn’t very regular
about telling you what to do and how to do it. She let you stay home from school more than was
good for you. Even though you love your mom very much, it was hard for you to know what she
wanted you to do. It was confusing because sometimes things were one way, sometimes another.
You got used to deciding what to do on your own and often did things your own way even when
your mom told you differently.
This was very hard for both of you. Both of you had mixed feelings -strong feelings of love and
anger all together. Sometimes you fought. This became very hard for your mom because she didn’t
know how to help you anymore. She felt she couldn’t control you and this made her very afraid.
She thought you might hurt yourself or someone else and that she could do nothing to protect you.
Because she was so afraid, she went to the court to ask for help.

42
My final letter to _ _________________________________ the person I ________________________
most in the world.

Dear ________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________

___________________________________

43
 Talking About The Birth Family — Siblings
Children have a right to know the information that is available concerning their brother and sisters.
Many times children will have fragmented memories about past events that include their siblings.
These should not be overlooked but dealt with constructively. It is confusing to children to be sepa-
rated from their brothers and sisters. Guilt, anger, and frustration are often seen in later years as a
result. A good understanding of what happened at the time of separation is important in alleviating
stress now and later.
It may be possible for the children to remain in contact. If visits are not possible, some tangible ad-
dition to the child’s life book would be helpful--a letter, pictures, maps and copies of past memora-
bilia that include the child. If the children are in the same local area, workers can maneuver work-
ing on their respective life books together. Relationships are cemented and their pool of memories
will be more complete.

Cut Along Dotted Line

My Brothers And Sisters Are Here

44
Brothers and Sisters

45
I. ISSUES:

(A) What is a Foster Home?

(B) List the Homes the Child has Lived in: Names, Dates, Reasons Moved, Special People,
Activities and Developmental Stages.

*(C) Why the Foster Parents did not Adopt Him.

II. TECHNIQUES:

(A) Use Information Sheets, Maps, etc. to Give Information.

(B) Use a Tape Recorder as an Icebreaker and Story Telling Tool.

(C) Write Letters to Vent Feelings.

(D) Use Puppets to Act Out Events, Explain C, and draw out feelings.

(E) Discuss and Repeat Critical Points.

(F) Make Collage or Life Stories Based on Themes:

(1) The hardest thing about leaving my foster family is _______________

(2) When I move, the thing I will miss most is __________________

(3) Special times I will always remember.

(4) Things that made me angry about my foster family.

*Critical Issues

46
 Placement Into Foster Care
The attachments a child forms in foster care and other placements are very important. For a child
who has been poorly treated in his first home, seeing him attach in another setting is a very good
sign that he has some feelings of self-worth and sense of identity. As with attachment in the first
home and resultant loss and leaving, he will suffer loss when leaving the foster home well. Many
of our children have had numerous placements in foster homes and child care facilities. Each
placement must be dealt with individually and constructively as you work toward return home,
adoption, or other plans. Walking a child from one placement to another can be like walking
through a mine field with eruptions of feelings and emotions on every side.

The worker needs to study the record, get all background information possible, enlist foster
parents, therapist, and social workers to give assistance, information and pictures to help guide
the child.

One aspect of foster parenting is the foster parent’s role in carrying out the decision of the court
as to what is in the best interest of the child. While foster parents understand their role technically
and intellectually prior to and during placement, they are like workers and birth parents -they are
caring, feeling, needing, loving people. Helping the child to see the role the courts play while relat-
ing to the foster family, and guiding foster parents through their attachment and loss is a monumen-
tal task. Talking often with foster parents and enlisting their active participation in helping the child
understand the process can be a real advantage to both worker and foster parents.

47
Fill in the Blank Sheet About Why Foster Parents did not Keep the Child

Now, we both know that _____________________________ and __________________________ are

your foster parents and that foster parents keep children for a time until the children get a lasting
family. You may be wondering why ___________________________and ________________________
did not try to keep you always.

They ________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

Now ___________________________ and ________________________ care about you and they told
the social worker they wanted you to have a lasting family that would be there for you always. They
told the social worker they would help you get ready for this family.

We know that getting ready for this new family is difficult for you. It is a sad time for all of you. Be-
cause they loved and cared so much about you, their feelings were all mixed up inside. They knew
they would be sad when you left but they knew they would be glad for you to have a
keeping family.

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

48
 Homes I Have Shared
Substitute Parents:

Mom _ _______________________________ Dad ______________________________________

Brothers and Sisters

_____________________________________ _ _________________________________________

_____________________________________ _ _________________________________________

_____________________________________ _ _________________________________________

Favorite Friends
_____________________________________ _ _________________________________________

_____________________________________ _ _________________________________________

_____________________________________ _ _________________________________________

__________________________________

I lived here from _______________________________ to ___________________________________

I moved because ______________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

49
 Where I Am Today
I am living at _________________________________________________________________________

I live with _ __________________________________________________________________________

They are my _________________________________________________________________________

I am in ________________________________________________________________________ school.

I am in the _________________________ grade.

I have lots of friends ________________________ _ _____________________________________

__________________________________________ _ _____________________________________

__________________________________________ _ _____________________________________

__________________________________________ _ _____________________________________

__________________________________________ _ _____________________________________

50
I. ISSUES TO COVER:
*(A) Every Child has a Right to Parents.
(B) The Emotional, Social, and Legal Aspects of Adoption.
*(C) The Child’s Contribution to His Own Adoption.
(D) His Adjustment to a New Family
(E) The Child’s Return to His Birth Family.

II. TECHNIQUES:
(A) Discuss all Critical Issues.
(B) Use Repetition to Reinforce Critical Issues.
(C) List by Priority His Wishes About an Adoptive Family.
(D) List How New and Old Families are Different with Values Clarification from Worker.
(E) Make a Col/age or Story Built Around Themes:
(1) How my new family is different.
(2) How I feel when my new mom tells me to do something I don’t want to do.
(3) How I would like my life to be.
(4) How I would help my new family to be.
(5) Ways to help my new family help me.
(6) What I Fear Most in Going Home.
(F) Discuss or Make Diagrams of Family Dynamics.
(G) Write a Mock Letter to Past People to Express Feelings.
(H) Use Puppets and Role Play to Work Through Problems.
(I) Write Letters to the New Parent to Express Hopes and Dreams.
(J) Use Tape Recorder as Icebreaker and Story Telling Tool.

*Critical Issues

51
 Moving On
The child needs to work through attachment and loss and toward reattachment or new attachment
regardless of how many or how few placements he has known. The child who has been removed
from his birth home, spends a few months in foster care, and is able to return home needs to un-
derstand the dynamics of what happened that caused his removal. He should know that it is not his
fault, that he has the right to a family and that he and his family will try to live together as a family
again. The above will remain essentially the same regardless of whether the plan is to return home,
adoption or long-term foster care.

Children need to understand that returning home or being adopted does not mean there will be no
problems. It means that everyone will try to make it work out.

Children who move usually have trouble blending the value systems of two very different families.
Values clarification can be done with the child by helping him to sort out what is different about
the families, what is essential in making a good family and if those elements are present in both the
new and old family. See the attached work sheet.

52
 Looking at Values
How Families Are Different

Family I Family II

________________________________________ ________________________________________

________________________________________ ________________________________________

________________________________________ ________________________________________

________________________________________ ________________________________________

________________________________________ ________________________________________

________________________________________ ________________________________________

What do all families have to have to be good parents?

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

Do both these families have these qualities?

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

How can families be different and still be good families?

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

53
 My Personal Path

__________________________
__________________________
__________________________

________________________
________________________
________________________
________________________

__________________________
__________________________
__________________________

____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________

54
 This is what I dream about,
when I dream of being adopted.

55
I. ISSUES TO COVER:
(A) Feelings.
(B) Handicaps — the Handicap’s Role in Placement — the Child’s Feelings About
Being Handicapped.
(C) Self Image,

II. TECHNIQUES:
(A) Discuss and Repeat the Special Need’s or Handicap’s Role in the Child’s Placement,
and identify that as the Parents’ Problem.
(B) Make Stories or Collages Around Themes:
(1) My special need makes me feel
(2) With my special need I can accomplish
(Story or collage with positive encouragement from worker)
(3) How I want my life to be.
(4) Being placed for adoption is (happy, sad, angry, etc.)
(C) Write Letters to Parent to Express Feelings.
(D) Use Role Play or Puppets Around the Handling of Everyday Social Situations that are
Difficult for Handicapped People.
(E) Use Step-by-Step life Planning with Goals (for teens).
(F) Use Attached Sheets to Compile General Information About the Child to Give a Sense
of Who He Is.
(G) Identify Feelings (how child knows he or someone else is afraid, confused, angry,
happy, sad).
(H) Use a Tape Recorder as Icebreaker and Story Telling Tool.
(I) Make a Collage of “What makes me what I am.”
(J) Materials from This Section can be Used Throughout Work on the Life Book to
Help Children Understand Their Feelings.
*Critical Issues

56
 Special Needs — Self Concept
Children in placement always have some special area of need. A particular physical handicap,
emotional and physical handicaps as a result of neglect or abuse, a serious illness, the death of
someone close, and loss of parents, may cause the self concept to be greatly altered. Children may
not only feel they are in some way responsible for what has happened, but that they continue
to cause traumatic events where ever they go. Or they may feel all is hopeless and they have no
control over their life events. Regardless of
the way the special need is manifested, the
child has a great feeling of emptiness tied to ...they may not only feel
the particular trauma suffered. responsible, but that they
It is good to listen carefully to what the child continue to cause traumatic
is saying, or not saying, so that you make sure
you touch all areas of need. Don’t be overly
events wherever they go.
concerned that you or the child become
repetitious in doing the life story. You may deal with the same areas more than once in the same
way or in a slightly different way. The life book is for the child. If he needs to repeat, hear him.
Generally he will absorb what he needs and what he does not need, he will not hear.

57
 I Am A Person, I Have Feelings.
When I am angry I show it, I _ __________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
When I feel sad I show it, I _____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
When I am happy, you’ll know it. I will ___________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
Sometimes I am proud. I _______________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
Another time I may be jealous. I _ _______________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
Sometimes I worry. When I worry my face looks ___________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
When I am embarrassed I ______________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
I have been disappointed by ____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
I am shy when ________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
One of the saddest feelings I have is loneliness. When I am lonely ____________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
Yes, I am a person and I have lots of feelings.

58
 My Feeling Page
One of my feelings is_ _________________________________________________________________
The reason I have this feeling is _________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
When I get this feeling _________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
What I would rather do when I have this feeling is _________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
When I want to make this feeling go away ________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
The last time I had this feeling was ______________________________________________________
I did_ _______________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
The next time I get this feeling I plan to __________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________

59
 I Show My Feelings On My Face

This is me when ______________

____________________________

____________________________

60
The hardest thing I ever had to do was ___________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

I pulled my future out of a fortune cookie. It says __________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

I cried my eyes out when _ _____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

I blew out my birthday candles all at once. I wished for _____________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

If I could do anything, I would __________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

Superman is coming to rescue me. He is saving me from ____________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

When I hear my favorite tune, it reminds me of _ __________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

61
 _______________

Mistakes
A mistake is just a mistake — nothing more

A mistake’s a mistake — we don’t keep score

You can learn from mistakes -everyone can, even me

Mistakes help you learn to do old and new things differently

_______________

62
My Feeling Letter
Dear ______________________________,

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

From,

________________________________________

63
64
 Growing Up
I will go to school until _ _______________________________________________________________

I will be _____________________________________________________________________________

I want to live _________________________________________________________________________

I want to take my vacation in _________________________________________________________ so

I can see the _ ________________________________________________________________________

I will have _________________________________________________ people in my family someday.

Their names will be____________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

I want my family to be ________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

I look forward to growing up because _ ___________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

I will never___________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

65
 Dear :

is a record of the places you have lived and the

This book is all about you. It
t your early life
ow the re are many questions abou
people you have known. I kn
really im-
t it is my hope that it will answer the
this book will not answer; bu
ial
the time I have known you and been your soc
portant questions for you. In
out
tures and informati on to help you understand ab
worker, I have collected pic
st that you will
. This is not a fancy book, but I tru
yourself when you grow up
u grow older,
it to bette r understand yourself. As yo
take good care of it and use
and that
for and value d you as a person very much
please remember that I cared
y best things in life.
I always wish for you the ver

Sincerely,

Your Worker

66
Additional Resources
Accinelli, T. (2008). My lifebook journal: A workbook for children in foster care. Oakland, CA: New
Harbinger Publications.

Accinelli, T. (2008). My lifebook journal: A workbook for children in foster care [Professional
edition]. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.

Baynes, P. (2008). Untold stories: a discussion of life story work. Adoption & Fostering, 32(2),
pp. 43-49.

Camis, J. (2001). My Life and Me. London: British Association for Adoption & Fostering (BAAF)
http://www.baaf.org.uk/

Fahlberg, V. (n.d.). The life story book. http://www.perspectivespress.com/lifestory.html

Fahlberg, V. (1991). A Child’s Journey through Placement. Indianapolis, IN: Perspectives Press.

Harrison, J. (1988). Making life books with foster and adoptive children. In C.E. Schaefer (Ed.),
Innovative Interventions in Child and Adolescent Therapy (pp., 377-399). New York: John Wiley
& Sons.

Holody, R. & Maher, S. (1996). Using lifebooks with children in family foster care: A here-and-now
process model. Child Welfare, 75(4) pp. 321-335.
Kagan, R. (2007). Real life heroes: A life storybook for children. New York: Haworth Press.
Kliman, G., & Zelma, A. (1996). Use of a personal life history book in the treatment of foster
children — an attempt to enhance the stability of foster care placements. In A. Zelman (Ed.),
Early intervention with high-risk children: Freeing prisoners of circumstance (pp. 105-125).
Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson.

McCoy, T., & Barnes, D. (2002). The real me: A teen lifebook for young adults in foster care or
adoption. Ringoes, NJ: Tapestry Books.

Mooney, J. D. (1996). The Complete Lifebook Workbook. Aurora, CO: Adoption Strategies.
O’Malley, B. (n.d.). Adoption lifebooks. http://adoptionlifebooks.com

O’Malley, B. (2002). For when I’m famous: A foster/adopt teen lifebook. Winthrop, MA: Adoption
Works. http://www.adoptionlifebooks.com

O’Malley, B. (2001). Lifebooks: Creating a treasure for the adopted child. Winthrop, MA: Adoption
Works. http://www.adoptionlifebooks.com

Rose, R., & Philpot, T. (2005). The child’s own story: Life story work with traumatized children.
Philadelphia: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

Shah, S., & Argent, H. (2006). Life story work: What it is, what it means. London: British
Association for Adoption and Fostering. http://www.baaf.org.uk/res/pubs/books/book_lwhat.shtml

The Center for Child and Family Studies, College of Social Work, University of South Carolina.
(2005). Life book: A caseworker’s handbook. Columbia, SC: Author. http://www.sc.edu/ccfs/
Publications/AdoptionFosterCare/Life%20Book/LifeBookCWH_2005.pdf

67
 2010

KENTUCKY CABINET FOR HEALTH AND FAMILY SERVICES\

DEPARTMENT FOR COMMUNITY BASED SERVICES

PAM DSS 1246

PRINTED WITH STATE FUNDS