Catherine of Aragon Anne Boleyn Jane Seymour Anne of Cleves Katherine Howard Catherine Parr All

(Music. In the dark, we hear a familiar rhyme.)

Divorced
Beheaded
Died
Divorced
Beheaded
Survived
And tonight (city name) we are…
(Lights up. We see the Six Wives in all their rocking glory)
LIVE!
LISTEN UP, LET ME TELL YOU A STORY
A STORY THAT YOU THINK
YOU'VE HEARD BEFORE
WE KNOW YOU KNOW OUR NAMES
AND OUR FAME AND OUR FACES
KNOW ALL ABOUT THE GLORIES
AND THE DISGRACES
I'M DONE 'CAUSE ALL THIS TIME
I'VE BEEN JUST ONE WORD
IN A STUPID RHYME
SO I PICKED UP A PEN AND A MICROPHONE
HISTORY'S ABOUT TO GET OVERTHROWN
Divorced
Beheaded
Died
Divorced
Beheaded
Survived
BUT JUST FOR YOU TONIGHT
WE'RE DIVORCED, BEHEADED
LIVE!
WELCOME TO THE SHOW
TO THE HISTOREMIX
SWITCHING UP THE FLOW
AS WE ADD THE PREFIX
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT
WE USED TO BE SIX WIVES
RAISING UP THE ROOF
TILL WE HIT THE CEILING
GET READY FOR THE TRUTH
THAT WE'LL BE REVEALING
EVERYBODY KNOWS
THAT WE USED TO BE SIX WIVES
...BUT NOW WE'RE EX-WIVES
(City name) Make some noise!
(Techno version of “Greensleeves” plays)
ALL YOU EVER HEAR
AND READ ABOUT
IS OUR EX AND THE WAY IT ENDED
BUT A PAIR DOESN'T BEAT A ROYAL FLUSH
YOU'RE GONNA FIND OUT
HOW WE GOT UNFRIENDED
TONIGHT WE GONNA DO OURSELVES JUSTICE
'CAUSE WE'RE TAKING YOU TO COURT
EVERY TUDOR ROSE HAS ITS THORNS
AND YOU'RE GONNA HEAR 'EM LIVE IN CONSORT
Divorced
Beheaded
Died
Divorced
Beheaded
Survived
BUT JUST FOR YOU TONIGHT
WE'RE DIVORCED, BEHEADED
Catherine of Aragon Anne Boleyn Jane Seymour Anne of Cleves Katherine Howard Catherine Parr All

LIVE!
WELCOME TO THE SHOW
TO THE HISTOREMIX
SWITCHING UP THE FLOW
AS WE ADD THE PREFIX
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT
WE USED TO BE SIX WIVES
DANCING TO THE BEAT
TILL THE BREAK OF DAY. ONCE
WE'RE DONE, WE'LL START AGAIN
LIKE IT'S THE RENAISSANCE
EVERYBODY KNOWS
THAT WE USED TO BE SIX WIVES
...BUT NOW WE'RE EX-WIVES
Remember us from your GCSES!
(Divorced)
MY NAME IS CATHERINE OF ARAGON
WAS MARRIED 24 YEARS, I'M A PARAGON
OF ROYALTY, MY LOYALTY IS TO THE VATICAN
SO IF YOU TRY TO DUMP ME
YOU WON'T TRY THAT AGAIN
(Beheaded)
I'M THAT BOLEYN GIRL
AND I'M UP NEXT, SEE
I BROKE ENGLAND FROM THE CHURCH
YEAH, I'M THAT SEXY
WHY DID I LOSE MY HEAD?
WELL MY SLEEVES MAY BE GREEN
BUT MY LIPSTICK'S RED!
(Died)
JANE SEYMOUR, THE ONLY ONE HE TRULY LOVED (Rude!)
WHEN MY SON WAS NEWLY BORN
I DIED, BUT I'M NOT WHAT I SEEM
OR AM I?
STICK AROUND AND YOU'LL
SUDDENLY SEE MORE...
(Divorced)
ICH BIN ANNA OF CLEVES (Ja!)
WHEN HE SAW MY PORTRAIT HE WAS LIKE… (Jaa!)
BUT I DIDN'T LOOK AS GOOD
AS I DID IN MY PIC
FUNNY HOW WE ALL DISCUSS THAT
BUT NEVER HENRY'S LITTLE...
PRICK UP YOUR EARS, I'M THE KATHERINE
WHO LOST HER HEAD (Beheaded)
FOR MY PROMISCUITY OUTSIDE OF WED
LOCK UP YOUR HUSBANDS
LOCK UP YOUR SONS
K HOWARD IS HERE
AND THE FUN'S BEGUN
(Survived)
FIVE DOWN, I'M THE FINAL WIFE
I SAW HIM TO THE END OF HIS LIFE
I'M THE SURVIVOR, CATHERINE PARR
I BET YOU WANNA KNOW HOW I GOT THIS FAR
I SAID I BET YOU WANNA KNOW
HOW WE GOT THIS FAR
DO YOU WANNA KNOW HOW WE GOT THIS FAR?
THEN WELCOME TO THE SHOW
TO THE HISTOREMIX
SWITCHING UP THE FLOW
AS WE ADD THE PREFIX
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT
WE USED TO BE SIX WIVES
Catherine of Aragon Anne Boleyn Jane Seymour Anne of Cleves Katherine Howard Catherine Parr All

GET YOUR HANDS UP

GET THIS PARTY BUZZING
YOU WANT A QUEEN BEE
WELL THERE'S HALF A DOZEN
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT
WE USED TO BE SIX WIVES
BUT NOW WE'RE EX-WIVES!
(Techno version of “Greensleeves” plays)
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE
SIX!
Welcome to the Divorced, Beheaded, Live Tour! We got a whole lot in store for you tonight.
We’ve got riffs to ruffle your ruffs
Shimmys to shake up your Chemise.
And a whole lot of history. Or as we like to call it ‘Her-Story’.
So, obviously you know who we are…
Please, no portraits.
But let’s give it up for our ladies in waiting!
(Note: All of the band members are named after actual Ladies in Waiting)
We’ve got Maggie on the guitar!
Bessie on the bass!
Killing it on the keys, we’ve got Joan!
And with beats so sick they’ll give you gout, it’s Maria on the drums!
So you came here tonight to party with us ‘old school gals’.
Really really old school! Well, we’re not here to have fun!
Uh-uh. We have a serious score to settle.
Cuz you see [City name], the problem is there’s
SIX
Of us. And we know you’ve all got your favorites.
Yes, everyone always wants to know who’s the most important wife.
They’re arguing about it for centuries.
We’ve heard it all:
‘Who lasted the longest is the strongest’
‘The biggest sinner is obvs the winner’
‘Who had the son takes number one’
‘Who was most chaste shall be first place’
‘The most inglorious is victorious’
‘The winning contestant was the most ‘protest-ant’’, (slight beat) I mean protestant.
But tonight we’re gonna answer your questions once and for all.
And tell you what you want, what you really really want! ...to know
That’s right, we’re here to help you figure out once and for all which one of us is
The Queen of the castle.
The rose among the thorns.
The Thomas Cromwell amongst the royal ministers between 1532 and 1540.
But how the purgatory are they going to choose their leading lady?
Well hold up. If this is gonna be a fair competition, they’re gonna have to judge us by the one thing we all got in
common.
The queen to take the crown should be the one who had the biggest,
the firmest,
the fullest,
load of BS to deal with from the man who put a ring on it.
So, London we’re gonna hold a little contest for you.
And the rules are simple:
The queen who was dealt the worst hand,
The queen with most hardships to withstand,
The queen for who it didn’t really go as planned.
Shall be the one to lead the band!
So what do you think [City Name]? You ready to chose your leading lady?
WELCOME TO THE SHOW
TO THE CORONATION
WHO WILL TAKE THE CROWN
Catherine of Aragon Anne Boleyn Jane Seymour Anne of Cleves Katherine Howard Catherine Parr All

THE POP SENSATION

EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT
WE USED TO BE SIX WIVES
SIX WIVES
SIX WIVES
SIX WIVES
But there’s only one you need to hear from tonight. I’m about to win this competition. Give me a beat. Muy bien! So
since the day I arrived in England, let’s just say my faith has been tested on more than one occasion. First things first,
I was shipped off from Spain on the night of my sweet sixteenth to marry some prince called Arthur and I’m like,
“Okay,” then Arthur dies so naturally I’m imprisoned for seven years. Really helped the grieving process, you know?
But still, I’m like “Okay,” but thank God! They rescued me just in time to marry Prince Henry! My dead husband’s
brother. Okay, so I’m thinking “bit weird”, but if you’d seen him back in the summer of ‘09. Let me tell you he was okay!
So seven years later, we’re still trying for an heir. He’s trying really hard and I’m like ‘Okay’, And he starts coming
home late. “I was just out with my ministers!” But there’s lipstick on his ruff! And I’m like “Okay,”. Suddenly, he wants
to annul our marriage, move some side chick into my palace and move me into a convent! Now, now, now, I just don’t
think i’d look that good in a wimple, so I’m like “No way”.
YOU MUST AGREE THAT BABY
IN ALL THE TIME I'VE BEEN BY YOUR SIDE
I'VE NEVER LOST CONTROL
NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I KNEW YOU LIED
HAVE MY GOLDEN RULE
GOT TO KEEP MY COOL
YEAH, BABY
YOU KNOW SHE'S GOT TO KEEP HER COOL
AND EVEN THOUGH YOU'VE HAD YOUR FUN
RUNNING AROUND WITH SOME PRETTY YOUNG THING
AND EVEN THOUGH YOU'VE HAD ONE SON
WITH SOMEONE WHO DON'T OWN A WEDDING RING
NO MATTER WHAT I HEARD
I DIDN'T SAY A WORD, NO, BABY
YOU KNOW SHE NEVER SAID A WORD
I PUT UP WITH YOUR SH...
LIKE EVERY SINGLE DAY
BUT NOW IT'S TIME TO SHH
AND LISTEN WHEN I SAY
YOU MUST THINK THAT I'M CRAZY
YOU WANNA REPLACE ME BABY
THERE'S NO NO NO NO NO NO NO WAY
IF YOU THINK FOR A MOMENT
I'D GRANT YOU ANNULMENT, JUST HOLD UP
THERE'S NO NO NO NO NO NO NO WAY
NO WAY
NO WAY
THERE'S NO NO NO NO NO NO NO WAY
NO WAY
NO WAY
THERE'S NO NO NO NO NO NO NO WAY
THERE'S NO WAY
SO YOU READ A BIBLE VERSE THAT I'M CURSED
'CAUSE I WAS YOUR BROTHERS WIFE
YOU SAY IT'S A PITY 'CAUSE QUOTING LEVITICUS
I'LL END UP KIDDY-LESS ALL MY LIFE
WELL DADDY WEREN'T YOU THERE
WHEN I GAVE BIRTH TO MARY?
You don’t remember?
DAUGHTERS ARE SO EASY TO FORGET
YOU'RE JUST SO FULL OF SH...
MUST THINK THAT I'M NAÏVE
I WON'T BACK DOWN WON'T SHH
AND NO I'LL NEVER LEAVE
YOU MUST THINK THAT I'M CRAZY
YOU WANNA REPLACE ME BABY
THERE'S NO NO NO NO NO NO NO WAY
IF YOU THOUGHT IT'D BE FUNNY TO
Catherine of Aragon Anne Boleyn Jane Seymour Anne of Cleves Katherine Howard Catherine Parr All

SEND ME TO A NUNNERY, HONEY THERE'S NO WAY

NO WAY
NO WAY
THERE'S NO NO NO NO NO NO NO WAY
NO WAY
NO WAY
THERE'S NO NO NO NO NO NO NO WAY
THERE'S NO WAY
HEY
(WOO)
LET'S GO
(WOO)
HERE WE GO
Give it up for Maria on drums!
YOU'VE GOT ME DOWN ON MY KNEES
PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK I'VE DONE WRONG
BEEN HUMBLE, BEEN LOYAL, I'VE TRIED
TO SWALLOW MY PRIDE ALL ALONG
IF YOU CAN JUST EXPLAIN
A SINGLE THING I'VE DONE TO CAUSE YOU PAIN, I'LL GO
No?
YOU'VE GOT NOTHING TO SAY
I'M NOT GOING AWAY
THERE'S NO WAY
YOU MUST THINK THAT I'M CRAZY
YOU WANNA REPLACE ME BABY
THERE'S NO NO NO NO NO NO NO WAY
YOU MADE ME YOUR WIFE
SO I'LL BE QUEEN TO THE END OF MY LIFE
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO WAY
NO WAY
NO WAY
NO NO NO NO NOPE NO NOPE NO NOPE NO NO
NO WAY
NO WAY
THERE'S NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO WAY
THERE'S NO WAY!
So, clearly I had the most to deal with from the King. And I hit that top C so you know, Donde esta my crown?
Wait, hang on a sec. Who was that other one?
I think you’re thinking of me.
No, there was definitely a really important one.
Still me.
Yeah, I think she overlapped with you.
You know, the really famous “controversial” one that people actually care about.
Yeah, you know… (Music in.) The one you’ve been waiting for
The one you’ve been waiting for
The mystery
The one who changed history
History, the one who changed history, mystery
The temptress
The one with the plan, the plan to steal the man
Anne
The one who chased the king
And paid the price with the swordsman’s swing
Will she be the one to win?
ANNE BOLEYN
ANNE BOLEYN
ANNE BOLEYN
ANNE BOLEYN
(on her phone, laughing. Looks up)
What? Oh, sorry.
GREW UP IN THE FRENCH COURT
OUI OUI BONJOUR
LIFE WAS A CHORE
Catherine of Aragon Anne Boleyn Jane Seymour Anne of Cleves Katherine Howard Catherine Parr All

SO
SHE SET SAIL
1522 CAME STRAIGHT TO THE UK
ALL THE BRITISH DUDES LAME
EPIC FAIL!
(OOH)
I WANNA DANCE AND SING
(POLITICS)
NOT MY THING
(OOH)
BUT THEN I MET THE KING
AND SOON MY DADDY SAID
"YOU SHOULD TRY AND GET AHEAD!"
HE WANTED ME, OBVIOUSLY
MESSAGING ME LIKE EVERY DAY
COULDN'T BE BETTER THEN HE SENT ME A LETTER
AND WHO AM I KIDDING
I WAS PRÊT À MANGER
(OOH)
SENT A REPLY
(OOH)
JUST SAYING 'HI'
(OOH)
'YOU'RE A NICE GUY
I'LL THINK ABOUT IT MAYBE
XO BABY'
(UH-OH)
HERE WE GO
(YOU SENT HIM KISSES?)
I DIDN'T KNOW I WOULD MOVE IN WITH HIS MISSUS
(WHAT?!)
GET A LIFE!
(YOU'RE LIVING WITH HIS WIFE)
LIKE, WHAT WAS I MEANT TO DO?
SORRY, NOT SORRY 'BOUT WHAT I SAID
I'M JUST TRYING TO HAVE SOME FUN
DON'T WORRY, DON'T WORRY
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT ANYONE
LOL SAY 'OH, WELL!'
OR GO TO HELL!
I'M SORRY, NOT SORRY 'BOUT WHAT I SAID
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
THREE IN THE BED
AND THE LITTLE ONE SAID
"IF YOU WANNA BE WED
MAKE UP YOUR MIND!"
HER OR ME, CHUM
DON'T WANNA BE SOME
GIRL IN A THREESOME
ARE YOU BLIND?
(OOH)
DON'T BE BITTER
(OOH)
'CAUSE I'M FITTER
(OOH)
WHY HASN'T IT HIT HER?
HE DOESN'T WANNA BANG YOU
SOMEBODY HANG YOU
(UH-OH)
HERE WE GO
(YOUR COMMENT WENT VIRAL)
I DIDN'T REALLY MEAN IT
BUT RUMOURS SPIRAL
Catherine of Aragon Anne Boleyn Jane Seymour Anne of Cleves Katherine Howard Catherine Parr All

(WOW ANNE, WAY TO MAKE THE COUNTRY HATE YOU!)

MATE, WHAT WAS I MEANT TO DO?
SORRY, NOT SORRY ABOUT WHAT I SAID
I'M JUST TRYING TO HAVE SOME FUN
DON'T WORRY, DON'T WORRY
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT ANYONE
LOL SAY 'OH, WELL!'
OR GO TO HELL!
I'M SORRY, NOT SORRY 'BOUT WHAT I SAID
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TRIED TO ELOPE
BUT THE POPE SAID 'NOPE!'
OUR ONLY HOPE WAS HENRY
HE GOT A PROMOTION
CAUSED A COMMOTION
SET IN MOTION THE C OF E
(THE RULES)
WERE SO OUTDATED
US TWO WANTED TO GET X-RATED
(SOON
EXCOMMUNICATED)
EVERYBODY CHILL
IT'S TOTES GOD'S WILL
Let me tell you how it went down:
HENRY'S OUT EVERY NIGHT ON THE TOWN
JUST SLEEPING AROUND LIKE "WHAT THE HELL?"
IF THAT'S HOW IT'S GONNA BE
MAYBE I'LL FLIRT WITH A GUY OR THREE
JUST TO MAKE HIM JEL
HENRY FINDS OUT AND HE GOES MENTAL
HE SCREAMS AND SHOUTS LIKE
SO JUDGEMENTAL!
YOU DAMNED WITCH
MATE, JUST SHUT UP!
I WOULDN'T BE SUCH A B...
IF YOU COULD GET IT UP
(UH-OH)
HERE WE GO
(IS THAT WHAT YOU SAID?)
AND NOW HE'S GOING 'ROUND LIKE
"OFF WITH HER HEAD!"
(NO!)
YEAH, I'M PRETTY SURE HE MEANS IT
(SEEMS IT)
WHAT WAS I MEANT TO DO?
WHAT WAS SHE MEANT TO DO?
LIKE, WHAT WAS I MEANT TO DO?
WHAT WAS SHE MEANT TO DO?
NO, BUT WHAT WAS I MEANT TO DO?
Oh my god, guys, no seriously he’s gonna chop my head off! I mean, I guess he just really liked my head. (beat) 5, 6,
7, 8!
SORRY, NOT SORRY ABOUT WHAT I SAID
I'M JUST TRYING TO HAVE SOME FUN
DON'T WORRY, DON'T WORRY
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT ANYONE
LOL SAY 'OH, WELL!'
OR GO TO HELL!
SORRY, NOT SORRY ABOUT WHAT I SAID
SORRY, NOT SORRY ABOUT WHAT SHE SAID
SORRY, NOT SORRY ABOUT WHAT I SAID
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
Wait, did you actually die?
Catherine of Aragon Anne Boleyn Jane Seymour Anne of Cleves Katherine Howard Catherine Parr All

Yeah, it was so extra. Anyway, I’m obvs the winner so I think I’ll do another solo. Our next song is what I wrote about
the moment I found out Catherine of Aragon had tragically died. It’s called “Wearing Yellow to a Funeral”. Please sing
along if you know the words!
CATHERINE WAS A MASSIVE-
(Loud uproar from the Queens. Aragon is held back Howard and Cleves.)
Woah, who decided you were the winner?
She wants another turn?
Over my dead body.
Anyways, I’m pretty sure it’s my turn next.
You?! Queen please!
Are you for real?!
Yeah, weren’t you the one he truly loved?
Yeah, didn’t you give him the son he so desperately wanted?
Yeah, I had a daughter and he literally chopped my head off.
Okay, look you’re right. You’re right I was really lucky.I was really lucky. I was in love, I just had a beautiful baby. Henry
was happy because “thank god! It was an Edward and not an Edwina”. I was so excited; for his first steps, his first
words, not getting a good night’s sleep for the next three years. But I never got to see any of that. You know, people
say Henry was stone-hearted, uncaring. And I’m not sure that he was.
Yeah, actually there was this one time I had a daughter and he chopped my head off.
I mean don’t get me wrong, look I know that his times with the queens before me were hard. But they were also full of
fire; he raged and stormed at them and because they are both absolute badass monarchs, they raged and stormed
right back. But I didn’t do any of that. Instead I stood by him, like I was made of stone. I stood firm, no matter his flaws,
his tempers. No matter my doubts or fears, I stayed there by his side. And that’s not because I was scared or naive or
weak. It’s because I loved him. So Henry….
YOU'VE GOT A GOOD HEART
BUT I KNOW IT CHANGES
A RESTLESS TIDE, UNTAMEABLE
YOU CAME MY WAY
AND I KNEW A STORM COULD COME TOO
YOU'D LIFT ME HIGH, OR LET ME FALL
BUT I TOOK YOUR HAND
PROMISED I'D WITHSTAND
ANY BLAZE YOU BLEW MY WAY
'CAUSE SOMETHING INSIDE
IT SOLIDIFIED
AND I KNEW I'D ALWAYS STAY
YOU CAN BUILD ME UP
YOU CAN TEAR ME DOWN
YOU CAN TRY BUT I'M UNBREAKABLE
YOU CAN DO YOUR BEST
BUT I'LL STAND THE TEST
YOU'LL FIND THAT I'M UNSHAKEABLE
WHEN THE FIRE'S BURNT
WHEN THE WIND HAS BLOWN
WHEN THE WATER'S DRIED
YOU'LL STILL FIND STONE
MY HEART OF STONE
YOU SAY WE'RE PERFECT
A PERFECT FAMILY
YOU HOLD US CLOSE FOR THE WORLD TO SEE
AND WHEN I SAY YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE I'VE EVER LOVED
I MEAN THOSE WORDS TRUTHFULLY
BUT I KNOW, WITHOUT MY SON
YOUR LOVE COULD DISAPPEAR
AND THOUGH IT ISN'T FAIR
BUT I DON'T CARE
'CAUSE MY LOVE WILL STILL BE HERE
YOU CAN BUILD ME UP
YOU CAN TEAR ME DOWN
YOU CAN TRY BUT I'M UNBREAKABLE
YOU CAN DO YOUR BEST
BUT I'LL STAND THE TEST
YOU'LL FIND THAT I'M UNSHAKEABLE
WHEN THE FIRE'S BURNT
Catherine of Aragon Anne Boleyn Jane Seymour Anne of Cleves Katherine Howard Catherine Parr All

WHEN THE WIND HAS BLOWN

WHEN THE WATER'S DRIED
YOU'LL STILL FIND STONE
MY HEART OF STONE
SOON I'LL HAVE TO GO
I'LL NEVER SEE HIM GROW
BUT I HOPE MY SON WILL KNOW
HE'LL NEVER BE ALONE
'CAUSE LIKE A RIVER RUNS DRY
AND LEAVES ITS SCARS BEHIND
I'LL BE BY YOUR SIDE
'CAUSE MY LOVE IS SET IN STONE
YEAH
YOU CAN BUILD ME UP
YOU CAN TEAR ME DOWN
YOU CAN TRY BUT I'M UNBREAKABLE
YOU CAN DO YOUR BEST
BUT I'LL STAND THE TEST
YOU'LL FIND THAT I'M UNSHAKEABLE
THE FIRE'S BURNT
THE WIND HAS BLOWN
THE WATER'S DRIED
YOU'LL STILL FIND STONE
MY HEART OF STONE
YOU CAN BUILD ME UP
YOU CAN TEAR ME DOWN
YOU CAN TRY BUT I'M UNBREAKABLE
YOU CAN DO YOUR BEST
BUT I'LL STAND THE TEST
YOU'LL FIND THAT I'M UNSHAKEABLE
THE FIRE'S BURNT
THE WIND HAS BLOWN
THE WATER'S DRIED
YOU'LL STILL FIND STONE
MY HEART OF STONE
Because what hurts more than a broken heart?
A severed head.
Now, seeing as Henry was running out of women to marry in England, he had to look a little further afield. He had to
adjust his location settings, if you will. To find his next queen, we’re heading to Germany, where he enlisted the help of
the legendary painter Hans Holbein.
(Lights change. The queens don frill collars and sunglasses.)
WELCOME TO THE HOUSE
TO THE HAUS OF HOLBEIN
JA, OOH JA, DAS IST GUT
OOH JA, JA
THE HAUS OF HOLBEIN
HANS HOLBEIN GOES AROUND THE WORLD
PAINTING ALL OF THE BEAUTIFUL GIRLS
FROM SPAIN, TO FRANCE
AND GERMANY
THE KING CHOOSES ONE
BUT WHICH ONE WILL IT BE?
YOU BRING THE CORSETS
WE'LL BRING THE CINCHES
NO ONE WANTS A WAIST OVER NINE INCHES
SO WHAT THE MAKEUP CONTAINS LEAD POISON?
AT LEAST YOUR COMPLEXION WILL BRING ALL THE BOYS IN
IGNORE THE FEAR AND YOU'LL BE FINE
WE'LL TURN THIS VIER INTO A NINE
SO JUST SAY 'JA' AND DON'T SAY 'NEIN'
'CAUSE NOW YOU'RE IN THE HOUSE
IN THE HAUS OF HOLBEIN!
JA, OOH JA, DAS IST GUT
OOH JA, JA
Catherine of Aragon Anne Boleyn Jane Seymour Anne of Cleves Katherine Howard Catherine Parr All

THE HAUS OF HOLBEIN

WE MUST MAKE SURE THE PRINCESSES LOOK GREAT
WHEN THEIR TIME COMES FOR THE HOLBEIN PORTRAIT
WE KNOW WHAT ALL THE BEST INVENTIONS ARE
TO HOLD EVERYTHING UP
JA, IT'S WUNDERBAR
FOR BLONDER HAIR, THEN YOU JUST ADD A
MAGICAL INGREDIENT FROM YOUR BLADDER
TRY THESE HEELS, SO HIGH IT'S NAUGHTY
BUT WE CANNOT GUARANTEE THAT YOU'LL STILL WALK AT FORTY
IGNORE THE FEAR AND YOU'LL BE FINE
WE'LL TURN THIS VIER INTO A NINE
SO JUST SAY 'JA' AND DON'T SAY 'NEIN'
'CAUSE NOW YOU'RE IN THE HOUSE
IN THE HAUS OF HOLBEIN!
OOH JA, DAS IST GUT
OOH JA, JA
THE HAUS OF HOLBEIN
The time has come for you to select a bride your highness.
May we present Christina of Denmark?

Looking for mates, dates and a British monarch with whom to secure the line of succession. Winky-face!
(Sound effect of “thumbs down”)
Nein? Well, nevermind she already made a match with the Duke of Milan.
Okay, next!
Your highness! May we present Amalia of Cleves.
Just a German girl trying to live the English dream. #NoCatholics #BigDowry.
(Sound effect of “thumbs down”)
Nein?
Okay! Who’s next?
(Panicked chatter)
(gasps) Anna! Fantastic! Wunderbar! Your highness, your highness, your highness, we are honored to present to you
Anna of Cleves!
The most beautiful women in all of the Holy Roman Empire!
And let me assure you Herr Holbein definitely did her justice.
(Sound effect of “thumbs up”)
Ah good! And I think we can say with certainty you will be happily married for many years to come.
I can see it now: Henry the Eighth and his famous four wives!
Oh please, no need to thank us! The pleasure has been ours
IN THE HAUS OF HOLBEIN!
THE HAUS OF HOLBEIN
So I guess you already know what happened next. How I came to England, hopeful. Summoned after the King saw
my portrait. And how I, with my meager looks the way they are, didn’t live up to his expectations. I mean, It’s the usual
story, isn’t it? The savvy educated young princess deemed repulsive by the wheezing, wrinkled, ulcer riddled
man twenty four years her senior. Rejection, rejection from a king! I mean how can anyone overcome the fate as
devastating than being forced to move into a resplendent palace in Richmond with more money that I could ever
spend in a lifetime?! And not a single man around to tell me what to do with it. I mean seriously, just tragic.
SITTIN' HERE ALL ALONE
ON A THRONE
IN A PALACE THAT I HAPPEN TO OWN
BRING ME SOME PHEASANT
KEEP IT ON THE BONE
FILL MY GOBLET UP TO THE BRIM
SIPPIN' ON MEAD AND I SPILL IT ON MY DRESS
WITH THE GOLD LACE TRIM
NOT VERY PRIM AND PROPER
CAN'T MAKE ME STOP
I WANNA GO HUNTING, ANY TAKERS?
I'M NOT FAKE 'CAUSE I'VE GOT ACRES AND ACRES
PAID FOR WITH MY OWN RICHES
WHERE MY HOUNDS AT? RELEASE THE BITCHES
(WOOF)
EVERYDAY
HEAD BACK FOR A ROUND OF CROQUET, YEAH
Catherine of Aragon Anne Boleyn Jane Seymour Anne of Cleves Katherine Howard Catherine Parr All

'CAUSE I'M A PLAYER

AND TOMORROW, I'LL HIT REPLAY
YOU, YOU SAID THAT I TRICKED YA
'CAUSE I, I DIDN'T LOOK LIKE MY PROFILE PICTURE
TOO, TOO BAD I DON'T AGREE
SO I'M GONNA HANG IT UP FOR EVERYONE TO SEE
AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME 'CAUSE
I'M THE QUEEN OF THE CASTLE
GET DOWN, YOU DIRTY RASCAL
GET DOWN
GET DOWN
GET DOWN YOU DIRTY RASCAL
GET DOWN
GET DOWN
'CAUSE I'M THE QUEEN OF THE CASTLE
WHEN I GET BORED
I GO TO COURT
PULL UP OUTSIDE IN MY CARRIAGE
DON'T GOT NO MARRIAGE
SO I HAVE A LITTLE FLIRT WITH THE FOOTMAN
AS HE TAKES MY FUR
AS YOU WERE
MAKING MY WAY TO THE DANCE FLOOR
SOME BOYS MAKE AN ADVANCE
I IGNORE THEM
'CAUSE MY JAM COMES ON THE LUTE
LOOKIN' CUTE
DAS IST GUT
ALL EYES ON ME
NO CRITICISM
I LOOK MORE RAD THAN LUTHERANISM
DANCE SO HARD THAT I'M CAUSIN' A SENSATION
OKAY LADIES, LET'S GET IN REFORMATION
YOU, YOU SAID THAT I TRICKED YA
'CAUSE I, I DIDN'T LOOK LIKE MY PROFILE PICTURE
TOO, TOO BAD I DON'T AGREE
SO I'M GONNA HANG IT UP FOR EVERYONE TO SEE
AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME 'CAUSE
I'M THE QUEEN OF THE CASTLE
GET DOWN, YOU DIRTY RASCAL
GET DOWN
GET DOWN (YOU DIRTY RASCAL)
GET DOWN
GET DOWN
'CAUSE I'M THE QUEEN OF THE CASTLE
Alright babes, listen.
NOW I AIN'T SAYIN' I'M A GOLD DIGGER
BUT CHECK MY PRENUP, AND GO FIGURE
GOT GOLD CHAINS
SYMBOLIC OF MY FAITH TO THE HIGHER POWER
IN THE FAST LANE
MY HORSES CAN TROT UP TO TWELVE MILES AN HOUR
LET ME EXPLAIN
I'M A WIENERSCHNITZEL, NOT AN ENGLISH FLOWER
NO ONE TELLS ME I NEED A RICH MAN
DOIN' MY THING IN MY PALACE IN RICHMOND
YOU, YOU SAID THAT I TRICKED YA (TRICKED YA)
'CAUSE I (I), I DIDN'T LOOK LIKE MY PROFILE PICTURE (NO NO)
TOO, TOO BAD I DON'T AGREE (TOO BAD I DON'T AGREE)
SO I'M GONNA HANG IT UP (HANG IT UP, HANG IT UP) FOR EVERYONE TO SEE
AND YOU CAN'T STOP, YOU CAN'T STOP ME 'CAUSE
I'M THE QUEEN OF THE CASTLE
GET DOWN, YOU DIRTY RASCAL
GET DOWN (YEAH, C'MON, HA!)
Catherine of Aragon Anne Boleyn Jane Seymour Anne of Cleves Katherine Howard Catherine Parr All

GET DOWN (GET DOWN WITH ME)

GET DOWN YOU DIRTY RASCAL
GET DOWN (IT'S ANNA OF CLEVES)
(AHA-HA-HA, GET)
GET DOWN (OW!)
'CAUSE I'M THE QUEEN OF THE CASTLE
So yeah, that was really heartbreaking.
That doesn’t sound difficult at all.
Oh yeah, I guess you’re right. I probably won’t win then. Oh well, back to the palace!
Now that’s one horse out of the race,
Rude.
Let’s take a moment to check in with the competition. So, who’s still in the running? Is it the devoted wife, the divorcee,
or the one who actually had problems to deal with?
Problems? My son had to deal with the loss of his mother.
Oh yeah, kinda like how my body had to deal with the loss of its head.
Queens come on now, don’t you see what’s happening? Comparing your losses isn’t going to change the fact that I
already won. I mean, I was literally shipped off to a foreign country, not knowing a word of English, to marry some
random dude.
Oh my god, same!
Ok fine But then when Henry decided he had enough of me, he didn’t even have the decency to say goodbye!
Same.
Yeah, same. Nice neck, by the way.
Alright well how about this, when my one and only child had a raging fever, he wouldn’t let me, her mother, see her.
Oh boo-hoo! Baby Mary had the chicken pox and you didn’t weren’t there to hold her hand? You know it’s funny
because when I wanted to hold my newborn son, I DIED!
Guys I have the plague!
What?!
I’m just kidding. My life’s amazing.
Okay, you know what? I think it’s time we heard from our next queen, K-Howard.
Sorry, who?
I think she was the least relevant Catherine.
Oh yeah. I still don’t care.
Ha, funny.
Yeah, speaking of funny, good luck trying to compete with us honey!
You’re right, you’re right. Your lives sounded terrible. And your songs. Really helped to convey that. I mean, Catherine,
almost moving to a nunnery and not? It almost could’ve been really hard for you. And Anne, getting your head
chopped off. Surely that means you’ll win the competition. “Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, behead-” oh wait,
never mind. Jane, dying of natural causes? When will justice be served?! (to Parr) And surviving? Seriously all jokes
aside, Anna, getting rejected for your looks legit sounds really rough. I wouldn’t know anything about that. I mean, look
at me, really fit. So Yeah, I can’t even think how I could compete with you all. Oh wait, like this:
ALL YOU WANNA DO
ALL YOU WANNA DO, BABY
I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE
I'M THE TEN AMONGST THESE THREES
ALL YOU WANNA DO
ALL YOU WANNA DO, BABY
AND EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD
I'D MAKE THE BOYS GO WILD
ALL YOU WANNA DO
ALL YOU WANNA DO, BABY
TAKE MY FIRST MUSIC TEACHER
HENRY MANOX
I WAS YOUNG, IT'S TRUE
BUT EVEN THEN I KNEW
THE ONLY THING YOU WANNA DO IS...
BROAD, DARK, SEXY MANOX
TAUGHT ME ALL ABOUT DYNAMICS
HE WAS TWENTY THREE
AND I WAS THIRTEEN
GOING ON THIRTY
WE SPENT HOURS STRUMMING THE LUTE
STRIKING THE CHORDS AND BLOWING THE FLUTE
HE PLUCKED MY STRINGS ALL THE WAY TO G
WENT FROM MAJOR TO MINOR
Catherine of Aragon Anne Boleyn Jane Seymour Anne of Cleves Katherine Howard Catherine Parr All

C TO D
TELL ME WHAT YOU NEED
WHAT YOU WANT
YOU DON'T NEED TO PLEAD
'CAUSE I FEEL
THE CHEMISTRY
LIKE I GET YOU
AND YOU GET ME AND
MAYBE THIS IS IT
HE JUST CARES SO MUCH
IT FEELS LEGIT
WE HAVE A CONNECTION
I THINK THIS GUY IS DIFFERENT
'CAUSE
ALL YOU WANNA DO
ALL YOU WANNA DO, BABY'S
TOUCH ME, LOVE ME
CAN'T GET ENOUGH, SEE
ALL YOU WANNA DO
ALL YOU WANNA DO, BABY'S
PLEASE ME, SQUEEZE ME
BIRDS AND THE BEES ME
RUN YOUR FINGERS THROUGH MY HAIR
TELL ME I'M THE FAIREST OF THE FAIR
PLAYTIME'S OVER
THE ONLY THING YOU WANNA DO IS
But then there was another guy, Francis Dereham. And at the time, I was living at my step-grandma’s house. He was
working for her, working so, so hard, so he asked to be his little piece of ass- ssistant!
SERIOUS, STERN AND SLOW
GETS WHAT HE WANTS AND HE WON'T TAKE NO
PASSION IN ALL THAT HE TOUCHES
THE SEXY SECRETARY TO THE DOWAGER DUCHESS
HELPED HIM IN HIS OFFICE HAD A DUTY TO FULFILL
HE EVEN LET ME USE HIS FAVOURITE QUILL
SPILLED INK ALL OVER THE PARCHMENT
MY WRIST WAS SO TIRED
STILL I CAME BACK THE NEXT DAY
AS HE REQUIRED
YOU SEE, I'M ALL YOU NEED
ALL YOU WANT, YOU DON'T NEED TO PLEAD
'CAUSE I FEEL THE CHEMISTRY
LIKE I GET YOU AND YOU GET ME AND
I KNOW, THIS IS IT
HE JUST CARES SO MUCH
THIS ONE'S LEGIT
WE HAVE A REAL CONNECTION
I'M SURE THIS TIME IS DIFFERENT
'CAUSE
ALL YOU WANNA DO
ALL YOU WANNA DO, BABY'S
TOUCH ME, LOVE ME
CAN'T GET ENOUGH, SEE
ALL YOU WANNA DO
ALL YOU WANNA DO, BABY'S
PLEASE ME, SQUEEZE ME
BIRDS AND THE BEES ME
CAN'T WAIT A SECOND MORE
TO GET MY CORSET ON THE FLOOR
PLAYTIME'S OVER
THE ONLY THING YOU WANNA DO IS...
Yeah, that didn't work out. It turns out some guys just wanna employ women to get them into their private chambers.
Different time back then. So I decided to have a break from boys, just focus on my career and my dad got me this
amazing workplace in court and you'll never guess who I met!
TALL, LARGE, HENRY THE EIGHT
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SUPREME HEAD OF THE CHURCH OF ENGLAND

GLOBALLY REVERED
ALTHOUGH YOU WOULDN'T KNOW IT FROM THE LOOK OF THAT BEARD
MADE ME A LADY IN WAITING, HURLED
ME AND MY FAMILY UP IN THE WORLD
GAVE ME DUTIES IN COURT AND HE SWEARS IT'S TRUE
THAT WITHOUT ME HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'D DO
YOU SEE, I'M ALL YOU NEED
ALL YOU WANT, WE BOTH AGREE
THIS IS THE PLACE FOR ME
I'M FINALLY WHERE I'M MEANT TO BE
THEN HE STARTS SAYING ALL THIS STUFF
HE CARES SO MUCH, HE CALLS ME 'LOVE'
HE SAYS WE HAVE THIS CONNECTION
I GUESS IT'S NOT SO DIFFERENT
'CAUSE
ALL YOU WANNA DO
ALL YOU WANNA DO, BABY'S
TOUCH ME, LOVE ME
CAN'T GET ENOUGH, SEE
ALL YOU WANNA DO
ALL YOU WANNA DO, BABY'S
SEIZE ME, SQUEEZE ME
BIRDS AND THE BEES ME
THERE'S NO TIME FOR WHEN OR HOW
'CAUSE YOU'VE JUST GOT TO HAVE ME NOW
PLAYTIME'S OVER
THE ONLY THING YOU WANNA DO IS...
So we got married. Woo….
WITH HENRY, IT ISN'T EASY
HIS TEMPER'S SHORT AND HIS MATES ARE SLEAZY
EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE COURTIER
HE'S A REALLY NICE GUY JUST
SO SINCERE
THE ROYAL LIFE ISN'T WHAT I PLANNED
BUT THOMAS IS THERE TO LEND A HELPING HAND
SO SWEET, MAKES SURE THAT I'M OKAY
AND WE HANG OUT LOADS WHEN THE KING'S AWAY
THIS GUY, FINALLY
IS WHAT I WANT, THE FRIEND I NEED
JUST MATES, NO CHEMISTRY
I GET HIM AND HE GETS ME
AND THERE'S NOTHING MORE TO IT
HE JUST CARES SO MUCH, HE'S DEVOTED
HE SAYS WE HAVE A CONNECTION
I THOUGHT THIS TIME WAS DIFFERENT
WHY DID I THINK HE'D BE DIFFERENT
BUT IT'S NEVER, EVER DIFFERENT
'CAUSE
ALL YOU WANNA DO
ALL YOU WANNA DO, BABY'S
TOUCH ME, WHEN WILL
ENOUGH BE ENOUGH, SEE?
ALL YOU WANNA DO
ALL YOU WANNA DO, BABY'S
SQUEEZE ME, DON'T CARE
IF YOU DON'T PLEASE ME
BITE MY LIP AND PULL MY HAIR
AS YOU TELL ME I'M THE FAIREST OF THE FAIR
PLAYTIME'S OVER
PLAYTIME'S OVER
PLAYTIME'S OVER
THE ONLY THING
THE ONLY THING
Catherine of Aragon Anne Boleyn Jane Seymour Anne of Cleves Katherine Howard Catherine Parr All

THE ONLY THING YOU WANNA DO IS...

And then I was beheaded.
Oh, I know. It’s okay.
So I guess, seeing as how I won the competition, all I wanna do is take this opportunity to recognise all the powerful
men who got me where I am today! Couldn’t have done it without you! (City name) You have been an absolute
sensational audience toni-
Hold on! You’ve had it bad but that’s not the most heart wrenching song we’ve heard this evening.
I’m sorry, were you not listening to my song? There were four choruses! That’s almost many men I had to deal with.
So true. When you died, your son didn’t have to grow up without a moth- ooh wait that was me and no one cared
when you died!
Jane chill out! It’s not her fault no one remembers her bland and uneventful life. Babe honestly, I don’t want it to be
weird between us just ‘cause my beheading was the result of actual trauma and humiliation and yours-
OH PIPE DOWN ANNE! You seriously wanna talk about humiliation? Okay, well when I was queen, Henry had not
one, not two but three historically confirmed mistresses!
Oh my god, mistresses! Poor - GET OVER IT! When I was queen, I had not one, not two, but three miscarriages!
Ohhh okay well you know what Anne Bo-Loser? I had five miscarriages!
(The queens argue)
Okay okay alright! Let’s just move along, shall we? Catherine it’s your turn. Take it away, honey.
(Parr takes the stage, but doesn’t sing. Then:)
You know what, I’m good. Yeah, I just can’t keep doing this.
(laughs) What?
I’m sorry. Sorry for- it’s just- I don’t know, it’s like… It’s just we’re here in front of these people being like “ooh let’s see
which gets the biggest cheer, trauma or abuse whoo-hoo!” Should we really be doing that?
I mean we’ve literally be doing that for the last hour.
I know, but miscarriages? Really? Isn’t that a bit…?
Someone’s got a conscience all of the sudden.
Ooh, I’m Catherine Parr, I draw the line in arbitrary places. Blah-blah!
You know what, queens? She just knows she’s not gonna win.
Oh, so she’s trying to make us look stupid instead of playing by the rules like everyone else.
You know what, queens? If it’s a sob story you want, I will give you one.
Are you sure Catherine? Are you sure you don’t wanna stick to backing vocals? You know, where you belong?
No, you’re right I should sing a song. It’s only fair. Go on queens. Take a seat. Ladies, how about tonight we try
something a little bit different? Joan can you give me a cheeky little B flat, Major 7? (Music) Perfect. So, just for a little
bit of context I’ve actually had my fair share of marriages. Something Henry and I have in common, I guess. Though
unlike him, I did manage to get through them without decapitating anyone. I know, gold star for Cathy Parr. But they
had this really annoying habit of passing away as well as dealing with incapacitating grief, I also had to keep finding
new husbands to avoid being ostracized. Yeah, tudor womanhood. Would recommend. And then, one day, finally I
meet this guy Thomas. He seemed like he might stick around for a while. And you guessed it, he turned out to be the
love of my life. We had this plan to get married actually. But that’s when Henry turned up. Single and ready to make an
unsuspecting woman his wife. Just my luck. So, that was that. I had to write a letter to Thomas, ending things. Dear
Tom,
YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU, BOY
IN EVERY SINGLE WAY
THOUGH I LOVE YOU, BOY
I'LL MISS YOU EVERY DAY
OH I LOVE YOU, BOY
I WISH THAT I COULD STAY WITH YOU
AND KEEP THE LIFE I MADE WITH YOU
AND EVEN THOUGH THIS FEELS SO RIGHT
I'M HOLDING BACK THE TEARS TONIGHT
IT'S TRUE I'LL NEVER BE OVER YOU
'CAUSE I HAVE BUILT A FUTURE IN MY MIND WITH YOU
AND NOW THE HOPE IS GONE
THERE'S NOTHING LEFT FOR ME TO DO
YOU KNOW IT ISN'T TRUE
BUT I MUST SAY TO YOU
THAT I DON'T NEED YOUR LOVE, NO, NO
I DON'T NEED YOUR LOVE, NO, NO
IT'LL NEVER BE BETTER THAN IT WAS, NO, NO
BUT I DON'T NEED YOUR LOVE, NO, NO
I'VE GOT NO CHOICE
WITH THE KING I STAY ALIVE
NEVER HAD A CHOICE
BEEN A WIFE TWICE BEFORE, JUST TO SURVIVE
Catherine of Aragon Anne Boleyn Jane Seymour Anne of Cleves Katherine Howard Catherine Parr All

I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE

IF HENRY SAYS "IT'S YOU", THEN IT'S YOU
NO MATTER HOW I FEEL
IT'S WHAT I HAVE TO DO
BUT IF, SOMEHOW, I HAD THAT CHOICE
NO HOLDING BACK, I'D RAISE MY VOICE
I'D SAY "HENRY, YEAH IT'S TRUE
I'LL NEVER BELONG TO YOU
'CAUSE I AM NOT YOUR TOY, TO ENJOY TILL THERE'S SOMETHING NEW
AS IF I'M GONNA GIVE UP MY BOY, MY WORK, MY DREAMS
TO CARE FOR YOU"
"HA, DARLING, GET A CLUE
THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO
I DON'T NEED YOUR LOVE, NO, NO
NO, I DON'T NEED YOU LOVE, NO, NO
THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO DISCUSS, NO, NO
BUT I DON'T NEED YOUR LOVE, NO, NO"
But the thing is, I can't say that. Not to the king. So this is goodbye. All my love, Catherine.
SO I SENT THAT LETTER TO MY LOVE
GOT MARRIED TO THE KING
BECAME THE ONE WHO SURVIVED
I'VE TOLD YOU ABOUT MY LIFE
THE FINAL WIFE
BUT WHY SHOULD THAT STORY
BE THE ONE I HAVE TO SING ABOUT
JUST TO WIN? I'M OUT
THAT'S NOT MY STORY
THERE'S SO MUCH MORE TO ME
REMEMBER THAT I WAS A WRITER
I WROTE BOOKS AND PSALMS AND MEDITATIONS
FOUGHT FOR FEMALE EDUCATION
SO ALL MY WOMEN COULD INDEPENDENTLY
STUDY SCRIPTURE
I EVEN GOT A WOMAN TO PAINT MY PICTURE
WHY CAN'T I TELL THAT STORY?
'CAUSE IN HISTORY
I'M FIXED AS ONE OF SIX
AND WITHOUT HIM
I DISAPPEAR
WE ALL DISAPPEAR
(Slight beat.)
Wait I don’t get it.
Okay, why does everyone know who we are?
My sixth finger?
Put it away Babe!
No. Okay, let me put it a different way. Who’s Henry VII’s wife?
Don’t know.
Anyone?
I don’t know.
Anyone? Okay, who was Henry VI’s wife?
I don’t know.
And Henry V’s wife?
We don’t know.
Catherine DeValois - I mean We don’t know
The point is the only reason these people have come here tonight is once upon a time the same guy fell in love with
us.
So we can sing our hearts out.
And get down like it’s 1499.
But if we hadn’t married Henry VIII, no one would want to hear our stories.
Wait isn’t there a bigger problem here?
The dissolution of the monasteries.
No. I’m talking about us. When we’re together as a group, everything-
Everyone notices Jane can’t dance!
This is what I’m talking about
Catherine of Aragon Anne Boleyn Jane Seymour Anne of Cleves Katherine Howard Catherine Parr All

We compare ourselves and when we’re “The Six Wives of Henry VIII”, we each become just that.
One of his wives.
One of-
SIX
Oh my god, I get it. Since the only thing we have in common is our husband, grouping us is an inherently comparative
act and as such unnecessarily elevates historical approach engrained in patriarchal structures.Yeah I read!
So basically, we’re stuck.
What a waste of time!
Well there’s not much we can do about it now.
You know what?
What?
I wish before we spent the whole show comparing ourselves, we’d realize it’d turn out to be such a mess.
Yeah, ‘cause if we had realized then maybe we could’ve done something else. Maybe a fake competition showing how
messed up comparing everyone is?
And then we could’ve done something cool like I don’t know, ‘reclaim our stories’ or all become the leading ladies.
Aw! We could’ve done that as a song!
Oh that would’ve tied everything together so neatly!
If only we had thought of it before!
(Pause. The queens turn to audience with a smile)
This is the remix!
SO WE HAD NO CHOICE
BUT NOW IT'S US ALONE
SO WE'VE GOT NO CHOICE
NO, WE'VE GOT NO CHOICE
WE'RE TAKING BACK THE MICROPHONE
I'M GONNA RAISE MY VOICE
THEY ALWAYS SAID:
"WE NEED YOUR LOVE"
BUT IT'S TIME FOR US TO RISE ABOVE
IT'S NOT WHAT WENT DOWN IN HISTORY
BUT TONIGHT I'M SINGING THIS FOR ME
HENRY, YEAH, I'M THROUGH
TOO MANY TIMES IT'S BEEN TOLD
AND I HAVE HAD ENOUGH
LOVE STORIES TO GET OLD
AND YOU MIGHT THINK IT'S TOUGH
BUT I'VE GOT TO LET YOUR LOVE RUN COLD
WE'RE TAKING BACK CONTROL (WE'RE TAKING BACK CONTROL)
YOU NEED TO KNOW
I DON'T NEED YOUR LOVE, NO, NO
NO, I DON'T NEED YOUR LOVE, NO, NO
CAN'T LET IT GET THE BETTER OF US, NO, NO
I DON'T NEED YOUR LOVE, NO, NO
I DON'T NEED YOUR LOVE, NO, NO (NO BABY)
NO, I DON'T NEED YOUR LOVE, NO, NO (I DON’T NEED YOUR LOVE)
I DON'T NEED YOUR LOVE, NO, NO (WILL NEVER NEED YOUR LOVE)
I DON'T NEED YOUR LOVE
WE DON'T NEED YOUR LOVE!
We have a voice. We said we have a voice! And (city) it’s time for us to all be the leading ladies.
And you know what? We might just be remembered for being married to the same guy,
But why does anyone give a sh- who he is?
His continential campaign?
His religious reforms?
Well, actually-
Now’s not the time Catherine.
Or do you think it could be, I don’t know, ‘cause of his extraordinary
SIX WIVES!
So before we go, are you ready for a royal happy after? Well, we don’t have one.
We wish we could tell you our lives had happy endings.
But in reality, they didn’t.
And there’s nothing we can do to change that.
Wait, this is our show. We can literally have whatever ending we want.
So (city),
See there’s five minutes left in the show
Catherine of Aragon Anne Boleyn Jane Seymour Anne of Cleves Katherine Howard Catherine Parr All

We decided to give you our very own

Slightly edited version
Of what actually went down all those years ago
‘Cause after all
WE’RE ONE OF A KIND
NO CATEGORY
TOO MANY YEARS
LOST IN HISTORY
WE'RE FREE TO TAKE
OUR CROWNING GLORY
FOR FIVE MORE MINUTES
WE'RE SIX!
All right queens shall we do a cheeky little historewrite?
Let’s go!
HE GOT DOWN ON ONE KNEE
BUT I SAID "NO WAY!"
PACKED MY BAGS
AND MOVED INTO A
NU-NU-NUNNERY!
JOINED THE GOSPEL CHOIR
OUR RIFFS WERE ON FIRE
AT THE TOP OF THE CHARTS
IS WHERE I'M GONNA STAY
HENRY SENT ME A POEM
ALL ABOUT MY GREEN SLEEVES
I CHANGED A COUPLE WORDS
PUT IT ON A SICK BEAT
THE SONG BLEW THEIR MINDS
NEXT MINUTE I WAS SIGNED
AND NOW I'M WRITING LYRICS
FOR SHAKESY P
SINCE MY FIRST SON
OUR FAMILY'S GROWN
WE MADE A BAND
AND GOT QUITE WELL KNOWN
YOU COULD PERHAPS CALL US
THE TUDOR VON TRAPPS
I'M JUST KIDDING
WE'RE CALLED THE
ROYALLING STONES
WE'RE ONE OF A KIND
NO CATEGORY
TOO MANY YEARS
LOST IN HISTORY
WE'RE FREE TO TAKE
OUR CROWNING GLORY
FOR FIVE MORE MINUTES
WE'RE SIX!
WHAT A SHAME
YEAH, MY FACE
IT COST ME THE CROWN
SO I MOVED TO THE
HAUS OF HOLBEIN!
IN MY HOMETOWN
HIS MATES WERE SUPER ARTY
BUT I SHOWED THEM HOW TO PARTY
NOW ON MY TOUR OF PRUSSIA
EVERYBODY "GETS DOWN"
MUSIC MAN TRIED IT ON
AND I WAS LIKE "BYE!"
SO I THOUGHT "WHO NEEDS HIM?
I CAN GIVE IT A TRY"
I LEARNED EVERYTHING
NOW ALL I DO IS SING
Catherine of Aragon Anne Boleyn Jane Seymour Anne of Cleves Katherine Howard Catherine Parr All

AND I'LL DO THAT UNTIL I DIE

HEARD ALL ABOUT THESE ROCKIN' CHICKS
LOVED EVERY SONG
AND EACH REMIX
SO I WENT OUT AND FOUND THEM
AND WE LAID DOWN AN ALBUM
NOW "I DON'T NEED YOUR LOVE"
ALL I NEED IS SIX!
WE'RE ONE OF A KIND
NO CATEGORY
TOO MANY YEARS
LOST IN HIS STORY
WE'RE FREE TO TAKE
OUR CROWNING GLORY
FOR FIVE MORE MINUTES
WE'RE SIX!
WOAH, WOAH
WE'RE SIX!
WOOOAH, WE'RE SIX
WOAH, WOAH
FOR FOUR MORE MINUTES
IT'S THE END OF THE SHOW
OF THE HISTOREMIX
WE SWITCHED UP THE FLOW
AND WE CHANGED THE PREFIX
EVERYBODY KNOWS
THAT WE USED TO BE SIX WIVES
BUT WE WANT TO SAY
BEFORE WE DROP THE CURTAIN
NOTHING IS FOR SURE
NOTHING IS FOR CERTAIN
ALL THAT WE KNOW IS THAT
WE USED TO BE SIX WIVES
BUT NOW WE'RE ONE OF A KIND
NO CATEGORY
TOO MANY YEARS
LOST IN HISTORY
WE'RE FREE TO TAKE
OUR CROWNING GLORY
FOR THREE MORE MINUTES...
WE'RE ONE OF A KIND
NO CATEGORY
TOO MANY YEARS
LOST IN HISTORY
WE'RE FREE TO TAKE
OUR CROWNING GLORY
FOR TWO MORE MINUTES
WE'RE SIX!
WOAH, WOAH
WE'RE SIX!
WOOOAH, WE'RE SIX
WOAH, WOAH
FOR FIVE, FOUR, THREE
TWO, ONE MORE MINUTE
WE'RE SIX!