Ang Lingkod ng Panginoon

CHRISTIAN SEXUALITY
COURSE MANUAL
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women

CHRISTIAN SEXUALITY COURSE KIT

Contents Guide

! Male/Female Differences
! Flow Chart – Process of SOL to Marriage
Preparation
! Scriptural Meditation for Discerning State of Life
! Beliefs About Love
! The Interpersonal Comparison Test (ICT)
! The Marriage Expectation Inventory
! The Marriage Discernment Process
! Am I in Love?
! Genograms
! Articles
" Sexual Sin: What does the Bible Really
Say? By Mark Kinzer
" Marriage Preparation: Early Enough to
Make a Difference by Ken Wilson
" Sexuality – God's Gift, A Pastoral Letter by
Most Rev. Bishop Francis Mugavero
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women

MALE/FEMALE DIFFERENCES

The following are some psycho~social differences

between men and women. Quite obviously, these are
merely generalization based on sociological and
behaviourial observations and do not reflect particular or
specific personality traits of individual men or women. The
point of this chart is simply to indicate that there are, in fact,
significant differences between men and women that we
need to understand.

Male Female

# More capable of # More immediately

emotional distance responsive
# More analytic; able to # More nurturant; more
order involved
# Tends to maintain # More attentive to
broader overview detail
(macro)
# More aggressive; # More attentive to
more achievement- personal relationships
oriented
# Tends to bid for status # Quicker to show
solidarity with others
# Tends toward many # Tends toward a few
buddies best friends

Note: This area is treated more lengthily in a best-selling book

entitled Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus by Dr.
John Gray, PhD.
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women

BELIEFS ABOUT LOVE

What is your idea of love? What is the real meaning of

authentic love?
Please answer true or false to the following statements. This
short quiz is taken from Dr. James Dobson's two books: Preparing For
Adolescence and Dr. Dobson Answers Your Questions.

_____ 1. I believe that "love at first sight" occurs between some

people.
_____ 2. I believe that it is easy to distinguish "real love from
"infatuation".
_____ 3. I believe that people who sincerely love each other will not fight
and argue.
_____ 4. I believe that God selects one particular person for each of us to
marry, and that He will guide us to that person.
_____ 5. I believe that if a man and woman genuinely love each other,
then hardships and troubles will have little or no effect on
their relationship.
_____ 6. I believe that it is better to marry the wrong person than to
remain single and lonely throughout life.
_____ 7. I believe that it is not harmful or sinful to have sexual intercourse
before marriage if the couple has a meaningful relationship and
truly love each other.
_____ 8. I believe that if a couple is genuinely in love, that condition is
permanent and will last a lifetime.
_____ 9. I believe that short courtships, six months or less, are best.
_____ 10. I believe that genuine love is more possible between younger
people than between older people.
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women

THE INTERPERSONAL COMPARISON TEST (ICT)

The Interpersonal Comparison Test (ICT) is designed
specifically to provide a couple in a relationship and who are
considering the possibility of marriage with a concrete means of
investigating the viability of their relationship as a married couple.
This tool is based on materials developed by the Center for Family
Ministries (CEFAM) of the Ateneo de Manila University. It provides a
format for discussing areas that will help to reveal whether or not
“enough common ground exists between the two people to allow
for a common life together.”

According to human and social sciences, a couple needs

“interpersonal similarity ”, a psychological need
complementarity”, and the “possibility of developing common
interests” in order for them to function well and grow. Scripture calls
this looking for a “suitable partner/helper”.

The discussions and process presented in the ICT, if approached

with the proper attitude and seriousness, can help a couple
ascertain the presence or the lack of these qualities in their
relationship. At the same time, it will provide a catalyst leading to a
greater knowledge and application of one another as well as
helping to develop patterns of communication that are so
important in married life.

The process works best when done under the guidance and
supervision of a pastoral leader or a more mature Christian who
has some training and experience in helping pre-marital couples
during the stage of relationship.

The process can be entered into at the earliest stages of the

relationship. It is necessary, however, that both individuals in the
relationship have adequate understanding of the process and its
goals; and that both are agreed to seriously participate in the
process.

The ultimate usefulness of the ICT depends on the couple. Their

openness and honesty with one another is essential. It is also best
for couples to enter into the discussions at times when both are
relaxed and well-prepared. Pressures, tiredness, etc. can
undermine these conditions and precipitate misunderstandings or
disagreements.
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women

INTERESTS INVENTORY

To break the ice, we begin with an interest inventory. This will

allow you to get to know one another's “likes” and “dislikes” more
clearly. This may also give you ideas about how you can spend
enjoyable times together during the course of your relationship.
Below you will find a list of twenty-one interests, amusements
and activities in which single people are commonly involved.
Mark 1 to 3 the activities listed here which you like most. Mark A
to C the three which you like least.
In the blank space next to the unmarked activities, put an X
next to those you definitely do not like. Put an O next to those that
you do or perhaps could like.

______ Reading
______ Television
______ Motion pictures
______ Theater
______ Art appreciation (listening to music, visiting
art galleries, etc.)
______ Creative endeavors (writing, drawing,
singing, acting, playing a musical
instrument)
______ Hobbies (woodworking, sewing, stamp
collecting, etc.)
______ Spectator sports
______ Competitive sports (tennis, golf, bowling,
etc.)
______ Outdoor activities (walking, hiking, camping,
bicycling, etc.)
______ Driving
______ Night clubs
______ Dancing
______ Special gathering with friends
______ Being with a few friends of my own sex
______ Discussion groups
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women

______ Membership in organizations (Church

organizations, professional associations and
organizations, school or college clubs, etc.)
______ Business or professional activities (beyond
ordinary office hours)
______ Religious activities
______ Civic activities
______ Politics

When you compare sheets, first discuss the likes and dislikes,
the reasons for the likes and dislikes and the intensity of the like or
dislike.
Next, discuss those that remain. Perhaps there are some in this
group which you might enjoy trying together.
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

INTERPERSONAL COMPARISON INVENTORY

Directions: Answer the questions by placing an X on the
space at the right, choosing the option which is more true for you
than any of the others. There are times when you may choose
more than one answer. Think about how specific answers affect
your life at this time.
When you come together, bring along with you the complete
module that you will be discussing with one another at that time.
The preparation and your openness in sharing during
discussion time will help the other person get to know you.
Meanwhile, you will find out that as you think and share about your
answers, you will also get to know yourself better.

Inventory A-1
Interpersonal Similarity

First Module

1. I was born and raised

a. in Luzon _____
b. in the Visayas _____
c. in Mindanao _____
d. outside the Philippines _____

2. My place of rearing was

a. a city _____
b. the suburbs _____
c. a provincial town _____
d. a rural area _____

3. My religious background is

a. Catholic _____
b. Protestant _____
c. Islam _____
d. Other _____
e. None _____
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

4. My parents are

a. Natural-born Filipinos _____

b. Naturalized Filipinos _____
c. Not Filipino citizens _____

5. My position in the family was

a. oldest child _____

b. middle child _____
c. youngest child _____
d. only child _____
e. one of several in the middle _____

6. The number of children in my family was

a. very large (seven or more) _____

b. large (five or six) _____
c. average (three or four) _____
d. small (two) _____
e. only one

7. My parents were

a. very close in age _____

b. less than five years apart _____
c. less than ten years apart _____
d. less than fifteen years apart _____
e. fifteen years or more apart _____
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

Inventory B-1
Past Life Experiences

Second Module

8. As a child, I was fond of

a. reading, solitary hobbies, and daydreaming _____

b. sports and outdoor activities _____
c. being around other people socially as much as possible
_____
d. no particular interests which I can recall _____

9. During my growing-up period

a. I had many close friends _____

b. I had one or two close friends _____
c. I had no friends whom I particularly recollect _____
d. I was a very solitary person _____

10. When I was in high school

a. my major interest was in getting good grades _____

as well as maintaining an active social life
b. I was mainly interested in grades but not _____
concerned about my social life
c. my major interest was in maintaining an active social
and sports life rather than in getting high grades _____
d. I did not want to go to school any longer _____
e. I felt confused and did not know
what I wanted to do _____

11. In my family, my crushes and my dating

a. were things I could discuss with my parents _____

b. were mentioned rarely, or only
in a kidding manner _____
c. were something I did not care to discuss _____
d. aroused considerable conflict _____
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

Inventory A-2
INTERPERSONAL SIMILARITY

Third Module

12. When I was young I considered my family to be

a. Very poor _____

b. Poor _____
c. Average _____
d. Wealthy _____
e. Very wealthy _____

13. The highest educational level reached by my father was

a. Grade School _____

b. High School _____
c. College _____
d. Graduate School _____
e. Doctoral Degree _____

14. The highest educational level reached by my mother was

a. Grade School _____

b. High School _____
c. College _____
d. Graduate School _____
e. Doctoral Degree _____

15. My parent's experience in their marital relationship was

a. They have never been separated _____

b. one had previously been separated
from original spouse _____
c. both had been previously separated _____
d. they were separated when I was a child
(12 or under) _____
e. they were separated when I was in
my teens or older _____
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

Inventory B-2
PAST LIFE EXPERIENCES

Fourth Module

1. My family situation consisted of

a. living with both of my biological parents _____

b. living with just my mother _____
c. living with just my father _____
d. living with my real mother and a stepfather _____
e. living with my real father and a stepmother _____
f. living with stepparents or others _____

2. My own family experience was

a. warm and pleasant _____

b. pleasant but not intimate _____
c. nothing I can particularly remember _____
d. unpleasant _____

3. As clearly as I can remember, my earliest days were

a. extremely pleasant _____

b. neither pleasant or unpleasant _____
c. pleasant, with unpleasant periods _____
d. unpleasant _____

4. The most pleasant aspects of my childhood were associated

with experiences

a. with both parents _____

b. with the parent of the same sex _____
c. with the parent of the opposite sex _____
d. with my siblings _____
e. unconnected with members of my
immediate family _____
f. I do not recall any particularly
pleasant experiences _____
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

16. In my parent's families (including grandparents)

a. there have been no marital separations _____

b. there has been one marital separations _____

c. there have been two marital separations _____
d. there have been three or more
marital separations _____

17. My parents married

a. at a young age _____

b. at an older age _____
c. at just the right age _____

18. In the raising of my family, the person who seemed more in

charge was

a. my mother _____
b. my father _____
c. neither parent _____
d. both parents _____

19. In the area of finances, the person in my family who seemed to

be the most in charge was

a. my father _____
b. my mother _____
c. neither parent _____

20. In our community, my parents were

a. considered important people _____

b. included among people of some standing _____
c. just average socially _____
d. below average socially _____
e. considered outsiders _____
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

PRESENT LIFE EXPERIENCES

Fifth Module

1. Financially, I believe the next five years for me

a. will be reasonably successful _____

b. will consist of some successes
and some failures _____
c. are impossible to predict at present _____
d. are too frightening to think about _____

2. With regards to my social life I am

a. quite pleased at this time _____

b. generally satisfied but still looking
for something _____
c. somewhat unsatisfied but getting by _____
d. unsatisfied at this time _____

3. In terms of emotional adjustment, I would say that

a. I feel fairly secure emotionally _____

b. I am always very high _____
c. I am generally a bit depressed _____
d. I live on an emotional rollercoaster _____
e. I do not think about my emotions _____

4. About my health at the present time, I would say that

a. I have always had good health, and I am

certain I'd stay that way _____
b. for the last few years, my general condition
has been below par, but I believe I'll regain
excellent health in the near future _____
c. for some time now I have had a chronic
illness (or disability) which is serious, and
the probability of improvement is small _____
d. I don't know for sure. I guess I'm as healthy
as anybody, but I haven't had a physical
check up for years _____
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

5. I believe that intellectually, I

a. am at my peak _____
b. am just developing my potential _____
c. am losing interest in growing _____
d. am less developed than many around me _____
e. don't particularly care _____

6. With regard to having children

a. I am not sure I want children _____

b. As far as I am concerned, my marriage
would be most successful without
any children _____
c. I want to have only one child _____
d. I would like to have three or more _____
e. Other _____

7. With regard to parenting

a. I believe I would be a very good parent _____

b. I have doubts about how good a parent I
would be _____
c. I very much want a child of the same sex
as I am _____
d. I do not care what sex the child is, but I
do want to have one (or perhaps
two or three) _____
e. I could have a happy marriage even
without children _____
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

MARRIAGE AND THE FUTURE

Sixth Module

1. With regard to getting married at this particular time, I feel that

a. since most of my friends are already married,

I would to be, too _____
b. marriage would be an important stabilizing
influence in my life _____
c. there is no special reason for marrying now _____
d. but I do not wish to disappoint my friends
and relatives _____
e. it is as good a time as any to marry _____

2. With regard to my occupational or vocational interests

a. I feel I can pursue both my marriage and

occupational interests, even if they conflict _____
b. I feel I could sacrifice almost anything
in order to have a happy marriage _____
c. I see no reason for conflict between family
and my vocational interests _____
d. I hope I can be enthusiastic about my spouse's
career as I understand him/her better _____

3. With regard to my future marriage

a. I am worried about becoming poor _____

b. I am worried about the influence of
in-laws upon my marriage _____
c. I am troubled about the question of how
many children to have _____
d. I sometimes worry that my future spouse
might have an affair _____
e. I prefer not to worry about things until
they happen _____
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

MONEY EXPECTATIONS

Seventh Module

1. Married couples

a. should stop relying on their parents/relatives _____

b. should work for independent living _____
c. should adjust to the circumstances _____
d. others (specify) _____

2. In terms of salary and income, I believe it works best if the

spouses

a. keep “secret accounts” _____

b. keep separate accounts _____
c. turn over everything to the wife _____
d. turn over an amount enough to cover
household expenses _____
e. have a joint account _____
f. other (specify) _____

3. The wife should work

a. if the husband's pay is not enough _____

b. for her personal growth and achievement _____
c. while there are yet no children _____
d. upon mutual agreement _____
e. other (specify) _____

4. If the wife has a higher income, the husband should:

a. be humble enough to accept it _____

b. be ashamed of himself _____
c. rely on the wife and take life easy _____
d. work harder and strive to get higher pay _____
e. other (specify) _____

5. Major financial decisions should be the responsibility of:

a. the husband _____

b. the wife _____
c. both _____
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

IN-LAW EXPECTATIONS

Eighth Module

1. My thoughts about living with my in-laws:

a. I would be very happy to do so _____

b. o.k. lang _____
c. o.k., if it cannot be helped _____
d. I am against it to avoid friction _____
e. other (specify) _____

2. It is alright for our in-laws to live with us.

a. I agree _____
b. I disagree _____
c. as long as they don't meddle _____
d. if it cannot be helped _____

3. I would allow our parents to interfere with our affairs.

a. agree _____
b. disagree _____
c. in certain situations _____

4. I expect my spouse to defend me or take sides with me

in front of my in-laws:

a. at all times _____

b. only when I am right _____
c. it does not matter whose side he/she takes _____
d. other (specify) _____

5. I expect my spouse to be agreeable with my family,

or at least to be able to get along with them.

a. agree _____
b. disagree _____
c. it is up to him/her _____
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

6. I will not object to giving financial support to our in-laws

a. regularly _____
b. occasionally _____
c. other (specify) _____

7. I expect my wife/husband to be of service to my

parents/relatives.

a. agree _____
b. disagree _____
c. if he/she likes _____
e. in certain situations _____

CHILDREN EXPECTATIONS

Ninth Module

1. I want to have children as soon as possible after marriage.

a. agree _____
b. disagree _____
c. it does not matter _____
d. other (specify) _____

2. If there are problems in having children, I expect my

husband/wife to seek medical help.

a. agree _____
b. disagree _____
c. if he/she likes _____
d. other (specify) _____

3. I believe in adoption

a. agree _____
b. disagree _____
c. it must be talked over very carefully _____

4. If adoption is agreed upon, I expect to adopt from:

a. relatives _____
b. friends _____
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

c. adoption center _____

d. it does not matter from whom _____

5. I believe in limiting the number of children

a. yes _____
b. no _____
c. it doesn't matter _____

6. Discipline of the children is the responsibility of

a. the father _____

b. the mother _____
c. both parents _____

7. I believe in physical punishment when disciplining children

a. agree _____
b. disagree _____
c. it depends _____

8. It is the wife's responsibility to get up at night and

attend to the baby's needs

a. agree _____
b. spouses should take turn _____
c. they should both get up _____
d. other (specify) _____

9. When children are grown up to be adults

a. they should take care of their parents _____

b. they can extend help to parents, if possible _____
c. they should be independent _____
d. other (specify) _____

RELIGIOUS EXPECTATIONS

Tenth Module

1. Religious belief and practice in a marriage are

a. unimportant _____
b. important _____
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

c. very important _____

d. essential _____
e. other _____

2. I would like my family to

a. go to mass together _____

b. pray before and after meals _____
c. pray the rosary _____
d. pray novenas _____
e. consider God in making major decisions _____
f. others (specify) _____

3. I would like my spouse and I to

a. have our prayer time together _____

b. share with one another what God is
doing in our personal lives _____
c. seek the Lord together for our family _____
d. go on an annual retreat _____
e. others (specify) _____

4. It is important that we will be generous with our time,

talent and treasure with the Church, the community
and others who need help.

a. agree _____
b. disagree _____
c. other (specify) _____

5. Passing on religious belief and practice to children

is primarily the responsibility of

a. the husband _____

b. the wife _____
c. both parents _____

EXPECTATIONS RELATED TO COMMUNICATIONS

Eleventh Module

1. In marriage, communication and understanding are

ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

a. very important _____

b. important _____
c. I don't know _____

2. List down possible sources of conflicts/misunderstandings:

(Minor to major)

__________________________ __________________________
__________________________ __________________________
__________________________ __________________________
__________________________ __________________________

3. In case of misunderstanding between the husband and wife,

they should:

a. ignore it _____
b. tolerate it _____
c. argue with one another till one side wins _____
d. listen and talk with each other _____
e. go to relatives _____
f. not speak until one side gives in _____
g. consult a marriage counselor/pastoral leader _____
h. pray about it _____
I. others (specify) _____

EXPECTATIONS RELATED TO SEX

Twelfth Module

1. I believe sex in marriage is

a. important _____
b. very important _____
c. a right of a spouse _____
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

d. an expression of love _____

e. others (specify) _____

2. The sexual act

a. can be enjoyed without love _____

b. cannot be enjoyed without love _____
c. can be used to get back at the spouse _____
d. should deepen the relationship _____

3. I believer the sexual act should be initiated by

a. the husband _____

b. the wife _____
c. either party _____

4. My feelings about family planning are

__________________________________________________
__________________________________________________
__________________________________________________
__________________________________________________
__________________________________________________
__________________________________________________
__________________________________________________
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

THE MARRIAGE EXPECTATION INVENTORY

The Marriage Expectation Inventory (MEI) is designed to
help a couple in a relationship and are seriously considering
marriage to dialogue on some of the more important aspects of the
relationship as well as of the married life itself.
The inventory covers "expectations". They, therefore, reflect
and clarify the values that a person holds for himself/herself and
which affect his/her way of relating to others and to situations.
I. Love Expectations

1. After marriage, I will spend more quality time with:

_____ a. my parents (utang na loob)

_____ b. my friends (pakikisama sa barkada)
_____ c. my work (for our future)
_____ d. my family (especially my spouse)
_____ e. other (specify) _______________________

2. Love means:

_____ a. never giving up my ideals which my spouse should

follow
_____ b. willingness to accept and adjust to may partner
_____ c. always giving in to my partner to please him/her
_____ d. other (specify) ________________________

3. Love in marriage will:

_____ a. have its ups and downs

_____ b. be a bed of roses
_____ c. be a crown of thorns
_____ d. other (specify) ________________________

4. After a quarrel:

_____ a. the husband must make the first move for a

reconciliation
_____ b. the wife must make the first move
_____ c. whoever is wrong must apologize
_____ d. both must attempt to reconcile
_____ e. other (specify) _________________________
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

5. Love is best expressed in marriage by:

continuing to say "I love you", remembering birthdays and

wedding
_____ a. anniversaries
_____ b. working hard to provide for the family
_____ c. fulfilling the commitment in the marriage vow
_____ d. other (specify) _________________________

6. When my spouse gives a reason for coming home late:

_____ a. I will accept whatever reason he/she gives

_____ b. I will question him/her further
_____ c. I will quarrel with him/her
_____ d. We will talk about it honestly
_____ e. other (specify) _________________________

7. Jealousy is a sign of:

_____ a. love
_____ b. mistrust
_____ c. immaturity
_____ d. insecurity
_____ e. other (specify) _________________________

II. Money Expectations

1. When we get married:

_____ a. we should not stop relying on our parents/relatives

_____ b. we should work for independent living
_____ c. we will adjust to the circumstances
_____ d. other (specify) _______________________

2. With respect to his salary, my husband should:

_____ a.
keep a "secret" account
_____ b.
keep a separate account
_____ turn over everything to his wife
c.
_____ d.
turn over an amount enough to cover household
expenses
_____ e. other (specify) ________________________
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

3. The wife should work:

_____ a. if the husband's pay is not enough

_____ b. for her personal growth and achievement
_____ c. while there are no children yet
_____ d. upon mutual agreement
_____ e. other (specify) ________________________

4. If the wife has a higher income, the husband should:

_____ a. be humble enough to accept it

_____ b. be ashamed of himself
_____ c. rely on the wife and take life easy
_____ d. work harder and strive to get a higher pay
_____ e. other (specify) _________________________

5. The bank account of the husband and wife should be:

_____ a. joint
_____ b. separate
_____ c. other (specify) _________________________

6. Major financial decisions should be the responsibility of:

_____ a. husband
_____ b. wife
_____ c. other (specify) _________________________

III. In-Law Expectations

1. I do not mind living with my in-laws:

_____ a. o.k. lang

_____ b. no, to avoid friction
_____ c. if it cannot be helped
_____ d. other (specify) _______________________

2. It is alright for our in-laws to live with us:

_____ a. agree
_____ b. disagree
_____ c. as long as they don't meddle
_____ d. if it cannot be helped
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

3. I would allow our parents to interfere or meddle with our

affairs:

_____ a. agree
_____ b. disagree
_____ c. in certain situations

4. I expect my spouse to defend me or take sides with me in

front of my in-laws:

_____ a. at all times

_____ b. only when I am right
_____ c. it does not matter whose side he/she takes
_____ d. other (specify) _________________________

5. I expect my spouse to be agreeable with my family, or at

least to be able to get along with them.:

_____ a. agree
_____ b. disagree
_____ c. it is up to him/her

6. I will not object to giving financial support to our in-laws:

_____ a. regularly
_____ b. occasionally
_____ c. other (specify) _________________________

7. I expect my wife to be of service to my parents/relatives:

_____ a. agree
_____ b. disagree
_____ c. if she likes
_____ d. in certain situations

IV. Children Expectations

1. We should not have children for at least one year:

_____ a. agree
_____ b. disagree
_____ c. it does not matter
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Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

_____ d. other (specify) _______________________

2. If we have problems in having children, I expect my

husband/wife to seek medical help:

_____ a. agree
_____ b. disagree
_____ c. if he/she likes

3. I believe in adoption:

_____ a. agree
_____ b. disagree
_____ c. it must be talked over very carefully

4. If we agree on adoption, I expect to adopt from:

_____ a. relatives
_____ b. friends
_____ c. adoption center
_____ d. it does not matter from whom

5. Discipline of the children is the responsibility of:

_____ a. the father

_____ b. the mother
_____ c. both PARENTS

6. I believe in physical punishment in disciplining children:

_____ a. agree
_____ b. disagree
_____ c. it depends

7. It is the wife's responsibility to get up at night and attend to

the baby's needs:

_____ a. agree
_____ b. they should take turns
_____ c. they should both get up
_____ d. other (specify) _______________________

8. We should limit the number of childrenr:

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Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

_____ a. yes
_____ b. no
_____ c. it does not matter

9. When our children grow up to be adults:

_____ a. they should take care of us

_____ b. they can extend help to us, if possible

V. Religious Expectations

1. In our marriage, religious belief and practice is:

_____ a. very important

_____ b. important
_____ c. of little importance
_____ d. of no importance
_____ e. I don’t know

2. I would like my husband/wife and children to practice the

following:

_____ a.
attending Mass regularly with me
_____ b.
going to confession
_____ c.
receiving communion
_____ d.
praying before and after meals
_____ e.
praying the rosary
_____ f.
praying novenas
_____ g.
considering God and religion in making major
decisions
_____ h. the whole family should be together in one place
when they attend a religious service
_____ i. other (specify) _______________________

3. It is important that we share our time, talent and treasure with

others in the parish/community:

_____ a. yes
_____ b. no
_____ c. should be agreed upon
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

4. The religious education of the children will be the

responsibility of:

_____ a. the mother

_____ b. the father
_____ c. both parents
_____ d. Church
_____ e. the school
_____ f. other (specify) _______________________
_____ g. it is not important
_____ h. I do not know whose responsibility it is

VI. Expectations Related to Communication

1. In our marriage, communication and understanding is:

_____ a. very important

_____ b. important
_____ c. of little importance
_____ d. of no importance
_____ e. I don’t know

2. List down sources of conflicts/misunderstandings:

(minor to major):

_________________________ _________________________
_________________________ _________________________
_________________________ _________________________
_________________________ _________________________

3. In case of misunderstanding between the husband and wife,

they should:

_____ a. let it pass

_____ b. drink
_____ c. drink
_____ d. give cold treatment
_____ e. out shout each other
_____ f. pray over it
_____ g. listen and talk with each other
_____ h. consult a marriage counselor/priest
_____ i. go to relatives
_____ j. other (specify) _______________________
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

VII. Expectations Related to Sex

1. For me, sex in marriage is:

_____ a. very important

_____ b. important
_____ c. not important
_____ d. a duty
_____ e. a right
_____ f. an expression of love
_____ g. other (specify) _______________________

2. For me, sex in marriage is an important means of

communicating:

_____ a. agree
_____ b. disagree
_____ c. I do not know

3. For me, sexual experience:

_____ a. can be enjoyed without love

_____ b. cannot be enjoyed without love

4. (For men) During our sexual relations, I expect my wife to

be:

_____ a. passive
_____ b. responsive
_____ c. aggressive
_____ d. I do not know
_____ e. other (specify) _______________________

5. (For women) During our sexual relations, I expect my

husband to:

_____ a. be gentle
_____ b. take the initiative
_____ c. wait for my signal or cue
_____ d. other (specify) _______________________

6. I expect my future partner to teach me to do things which will

satisfy me:
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Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

_____ a. agree
_____ b. disagree

7. It is normal for married couples to indulge in and experiment

with different techniques:

_____ a. agree
_____ b. disagree

8. When I notice my partner is not in the mood for sex, I will:

_____ a. get angry

_____ b. go to sleep
_____ c. try to seduce him
_____ d. watch T.V.
_____ e. other (specify) _______________________

9. What I fear most about the sex act is :

_________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________

10. For me, the sexual act :

_____ a. can be used to get back at the spouse

_____ b. should be done at all times
_____ c. should deepen the relationship
_____ d. other (specify) _______________________

11. My feelings about family planning are :

_________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________

12. Decisions about family planning will be made taking into

consideration:
a. ______________________________________________
b. ______________________________________________
c. ______________________________________________
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

THE MARRIAGE DISCERNMENT PROCESS

Moving a relationship ahead

You are now in a relationship. This is the time for you to

know each other more personally: his/her approaches to life
situations, how his/her mind works, his/her strengths and
weaknesses, his/her ideas in and goals for the married life,
his/her spirituality, etc.
What follows are some of the more important areas of
marriage and family life. You are to discuss these as thoroughly
as you can with each other and try to communicate these
effectively with one another.
Your discussions with the person you are in a
relationship with (your fiancee) need to be open and honest.
They are a significant step in working towards unity that you will
both carry into your married life. Moreover, your honesty with
each other will determine the quality and objectiveness of your
decision at the end of the discernment process.
You will discover that there will be differences of opinion
or even disagreements about approach, goals, etc. between you
and your fiancee. This is only natural because no two people are
exactly alike. Some of these differences are minor, some are
significant. The point is not to try to eliminate or ignore these
differences but simply to understand them (and their sources),
accept and work through with each other how you are to
approach these differences together. Consult your Unit Leader, if
needed, for the significant areas that seem difficult to handle.
Under each area are helpful guide questions that you
may ask yourself and your fiancee. They are not an exhaustive
list. The point is simply to ask one another any question under
the are being considered that you think may help you in getting a
fairly good grasp of yourself and of the other person. Note that
you are not marrying the "ideal husband" or "ideal wife". There is
no such thing simply because no human being is perfect.
There are also some references that you may go to as
you tackle each area. They are indicated on the right column.
Remember, there are no right or wrong answers. You
may feel that there is an "ideal" answer for you, but the important
thing right now is your personal understanding of the area.
Your understanding of these things will give you a sound
and fairly objective basis for making a decision later (at the end
of this process) as to whether or not your fiancee is the person
you would actually want to marry and live with for the rest of your
life. Remember that you are looking for a "suitable partner/
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

helper" in raising up a family and household in the service of the

Lord. What you will find out in these interviews will give you a
good basis for personally knowing your "suitable partner".

THE MARRIAGE DISCERNMENT PROCESS

Interview questions
1. MARRIAGE " How should a Christian wife
" (pp 14-16 of “Ten Weeks to a respect her husband?
Better Marriage”) " How should a wife support
" Why should I marry ? Why her husband's
do I want to marry ? leadership/headship over her
" Why do people in our society and the family?
get married ?
" What is my idea of a 4. PARENTHOOD AND
“Christian” marriage ? CHILDREN
" Ch 11, 12, 13, 14, 15
2. THE CHRISTIAN (“Husbands, Wives, Parents
HUSBAND and Children”)
" Ch 3, 4, 9 (“Husbands, Wives, " Why do I want to be a father /
Parents and Children”) mother?
" What does it mean to be a " What are my experiences
husband? with my own father/mother?
" How should a husband care " How many children do I wish
for his wife? to have ?
" How do I understand head- " How I intend to raise up and
ship and submission in the discipline my children?
husband-wife relationship ? " What is the “ideal” child?
" What does it mean for the " What is my stand regarding
husband to be the leader/head birth control and family
of the family? planning?

3. THE CHRISTIAN WIFE 5. LIFESTYLE AND

" Ch 3, 4, 10 (“Husbands, SIMPLICITY
Wives, Parents and " What lifetime standards am I
Children”) aiming for? Income level?
" What does it mean to be a " What does it mean to live a
wife in our society today? simple lifestyle?
Do I subscribed to this? " How do I budget my money?
" What do I think should a wife " What kind of family daily
be like? schedule would I like to
" How do I understand head- have?
ship and submission in the " Will or should my wife be a
husband-wife relationship? full-time housekeeper?
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

" Are there plans for migration my time?

to another country? How " How do I resolve “conflicts
does this affect my family of interest” as regards to my
life? time commitments?

6. CAREER AND WORK 9. FINANCES AND BUDGET

" What are my career plans? " What is the common
What are my aspirations? approach to budgeting among
Possible upward movements young single people today?
in the company? " How do I budget my salary as
" What do I like / dislike in my a single person?
present job? " What difficulties have I
" How am I going to balance experienced in preparing a
family and career budget?
responsibility? " How do I plan to financially
support the community's
7. COMMUNITY SERVICE work and mission?
AND MISSION
" What has been my experience 10. RELATIONSHIP WITH
of community life? THE LORD
Blessings? Difficulties? " How would I describe my
" How do I intend to be a more personal relationship with the
active member of Lord?
community? " When and how do I take my
" How can I serve the brothers daily prayer time?
and sisters as a married " How do I overcome
person? difficulties in prayer time?
" How have I been serving the " How often do I read a
Lord? My family? My spiritual book?
brothers and sisters? " What kinds of spiritual
" How will I serve my family? literature do I like to read?
" What difficulties do I " How do I read the Bible?
encounter in being a servant? " What methods have I found
" How will I serve my family helpful in Bible-reading?
in the Community's mission? " How often do I partake of the
" How will I balance family sacraments?
and Community service " What role do the sacraments
responsibilities? play in my spiritual life?
" How often do I avail of the
8. TIME sacrament of reconciliation?
" When it comes to making a
time schedule, what are my 11. PERSONAL
priorities? RELATIONSHIPS
" How do I plan and schedule " Who do I have my best
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

personal relationships with? Encouragement? Expressions

Why are these relationships of love, respect, gratitude?
so good? " Do I correct others when
" What are my most difficult necessary?
relationships? Why are they " What are my weaknesses?
so difficult? Negative humor? Passivity?
" What have I done to restore “Beating around the bush”?
or repair broken " What is the common
relationships? approach today to one's
" How do people resolve emotions?
conflicts and disagreements " How should we as Christians
today? deal with our feelings?
" How should Christians " How do I respond to anger,
resolve their conflicts with fear, guilt, self-esteem,
others? desires?
" How am I going to resolve " How do I feel about you?
my conflicts and difficulties
with others? 13. RELATIONSHIP WITH
" How should we resolve any FIANCEE
conflict or difficulties that" What has been your
may arise between us? experience of our
relationship?
12. PERSONAL CHARACTER " What have been the fruits of
" What have been some of my this relationship in your life?
“successes” in the past? " What is missing?
" How do I deal with success? " What can be improved?
Praise? Encouragement? " Where should we go from
" What have been some of my here?
failures?
" How do I deal with failures?
Discouragement?
Correction? Being
misunderstood?
" What areas of my Christian
character have I grown in?
" Where I need to grow more?
What am I doing about this?
" What are the strengths that
you see in me?
" What are the weaknesses?
" How would I describe my use
of speech?
" What are my strengths?
Honesty? Openness?
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Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

14. The following are other related issues that you may also need
to consider:
" Relating with your in-laws
" Ethnic considerations
" Personal plans
" The possibility of childlessness
" Other personal areas that still need to be in place

Also, toward the end of this discernment period, you may read the
following helpful literature :

" Chapters 16 and 17 of Husbands, Wives, Parents and Children

" The Obedient Child by Ken Wilson
" The First Years Together by Ruth Sanford
" Ten Weeks to a Better Marriage by Randy and Therese Cirner

NOTE: If after the marriage discernment process you and your

fiancee decide to move on towards marriage (i.e. get engaged),
we recommend that you and your fiancee go through a "Marriage
Preparation Process" with a married couple. Please check with
you Unit Leader about this.
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

AM I IN LOVE?
A Self-Analysis Test

The questions listed below are intended as an aid in self-

analysis. They are for the person who has doubts; they are
not meant to undermine the confidence of anyone who feels
sure. The reader may answer each question for himself. In
many instances, no one can tell him what the answer should
be. He must determine the significance of an affirmative or a
negative answer in his own case and weigh each answer in
the light of his own personality, the other person's personality,
and the whole situation. Not all the questions necessarily
apply to every person, and there is no single criterion by
which he can solve his problem. One might answer all of
them and still be in doubt if, in his case, there were special
considerations that are not included.

Above all, these questions are not to be scored as a test, as in

the case of a list of similar queries that appeared in a popular
magazine. The questions were useful, but the author of the
article suggested that each “yes” answer count 5-1/2 and that
the total score would indicate the degree in infatuation or
love. Such a suggestion is absurd. Who can say that a “yes”
answer means the same for everyone? Moreover, not all
“yes” answers would necessarily be of equal value; and the
configuration of answers, that is, which ones answered “yes”
and how they were related, as well as the number of them,
would be significant.

“No” answers are not necessarily undesirable in the light of the

total situation. Being in love cannot be expressed by a
mathematical average. Furthermore, a person cannot make
himself in love by “going through the motions” of the things
suggested in the questions. Following, then, is the list of
suggestions to aid the individual in analyzing himself, to
determine whether or not he is in love.

1. Do you like to be in the company of the other person?

Do you prefer the person's company to anyone else's?

2. Is the individual personally attractive to you?

Do you feel inclined to apologize for appearance, manners,
ideas, conversation, language?
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Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

Are you confusing admiration with love and assuming that your
relationship is a platonic variety involving no physical
elements?
It is as unwise to attempt to rule out physical attraction as it is to
permit such attraction to be the entire basis of your relationship.

3. How do you make up after a quarrel of difference?

How do you go about re-establishing your relationship?

4. As you look back over your relationship from the first meeting,
how has it changed?

5. Do you have common interest/s?

Did you have these interests before you met?
Or did you develop them together?
Or did you become interested in the other person's interests?
If the last is the case, are your interests sincere or are they a
means of being attractive to the other person?

6. Did time enough lapse to tell? The sooner after meeting that
the couple consider themselves in love, the greater the
probability of infatuation.

7. Is there present anything more than physical attraction? How

soon after your acquaintance began did you begin to be
affectionate? If you feel strong attraction toward the other
person, become stirred up when you are together, dream about
him or her constantly when you are separated, even though you
have known the individual only a very short time, there is
possibility that the attraction is largely physical. At least the
possibility is great enough to make postponement of marriage
desirable until you can be more sure.

8. Do you love the individual as a person or do you like merely your

feeling about him or her? Are you in love with a personality or “in
love with love”? The boy or girl early in adolescence is inclined
to be attracted to persons of the opposite sex in general. Almost
anyone possibly acceptable will serve as the focal point for the
new emotions that have sprung up within the child. At that stage
the child is “in love with love”. Some persons develop beyond
this stage sooner than do others. Where do you stand? Are
you still in the stage of being “in love with love”.
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

9. Are you attracted to the individual for what he or she is or for

what you read into him or her? Have you idealized the person to
the point of blindness, so that you pick out those traits that seem
to fit your picture of an ideal spouse and close your eyes to
others ? Is the individual like an oil painting, attractive because
of what is on the canvas, or like a motion-picture screen that
reflects what is projected onto it?

10. Does the person “wear well” with your friends? You may
see qualities that your friends do not appreciate or have not
opportunity to observe. On the other hand, your friends will
probably be more objective and unbiased; they are not likely to
be blind to shortcomings.

11. Are you attracted to the person for what he or she is or for
what he or she can give you or do for you?

12. Over what matters and how frequently do you have

conflict? Is the conflict open or suppressed? Is it superficial or
fundamental?

13. Are you willing to make concessions, or do you always

expect the other person to do the pleasing, agreeing, and
adjusting?

14. Do you have any doubts about your love? A certain

amount of doubt while love is developing is not at all unusual.
When, however, the question is whether or not to marry, the old
adage, “When in doubt, don't” is apropos.

15. How do you weather a crisis together?

16. Do you feel that you want to love the other person or that
you to fight against it? Is yours a case in which a strong physical
attraction tends to draw you toward the other person, while an
intelligent appraisal of personality makes you resist the physical
appeal?

17. Do you feel that, if you “let yourself go” and loved the other
person as much as you might, you would become submerged in
his or her personality and lose your individuality?
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

18. Are you sufficient stimulus for each other when you are
together, or do you require external stimuli, such as motion
pictures, dancing, or a group of people, to prevent boredom?
To what degree is your stimulus for other limited to physical
appeal?

19. Do you love the person in your calmer moments, or do you

seem to be in love only when your temperature or blood
pressure are high and your heart is palpitating?

20. In your mind, how does the individual fare in competition

with others? As comparisons are made with others, is he or she
always at the top of the list? Or are you constantly looking for
“greener pastures”?

21. How readily and how frequently do you publicize what

ought to be private? Calling attention to the other person's
weaknesses, recounting embarrassing experiences, disclosing
confidential information may indicate disregard of the feelings
of the other party?

22. What is the relationship between your enthusiasm and the

presence or the absence of the other person?

23. Do you feel that your relationship hands on a very slender

thread and could easily be broken?

24. Do you willingly permit the person to date when you are
separated for an extended period? What is the reason for your
answer, and what does it mean with regard to your relationship
with the other person?

25. Do you forgive, tolerate, accept, overlook or resent faults

and shortcomings? Do you, the individual “faults and all,” or are
you holding yourself in check pending reform?

26. What is the effect of separation after it is over?

27. Have you seen the individual in enough different types of

situations and observed enough different facets of personality
to tell that you are in love? In some ways, students in college
are like animals in a zoo. If you wanted to study lions, you might
learn a good deal about them by observing them in a zoo. You
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Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

could, for example, see their size, shape, and color. You might
watch them eat food that the keepers provided or do the tricks
that the keepers taught them to do. But after you had observed
the lions are carefully as you could in the zoo, your knowledge of
them would still be limited. If you wanted seriously to study
lions, you would have to observe them in their natural habitat.
There you would see that the protective coloration can make
even a large animal inconspicuous. There you would see
animals survive or die in a struggle for existence that is reduced
to a minimum in captivity. In many respects, a campus
represents an artificial environment. In such environments,
certain aspects of an individual's personality and life pattern
may escape notice. Or the other individual may base his
judgment of those aspects upon words rather upon direct
observation. Take, for example, the case in a real sense when a
person marries, he marries a family as well as a spouse. If an
individual has been observed in his family, is it safe to rest one's
judgments upon what he says about family when what he says
must of necessity be biased and incomplete?

28. Do you see the person's faults and their significance? Or

do you merely see faults in a distance, detached way without
realizing what those faults would mean in marriage?

29. When you are with other men or women without this
person being present, do you think more or less of him or her, as
to both frequency and intensity?

30. If he has told you in no uncertain terms that he is sure he

loves you and will love you forever, what part does this certainly
play in making you feel that you love him? If he or she seems
indifferent, has it caused you to confuse love with the “spirit of
chase” ? Are you under pressure of some “test” of love, such as
“If you love me, you will do this and so on” ?

31. To what extent do you feel identified with this person? Do

you think of yourselves as a pair or as isolated individuals?

32. How much do you think of the individual's welfare and

happiness?

33. Is there anything or anybody in life that you consider more

valuable to you than this other person or that you love more than
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Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

you love him or her? If so, what or who is it and what does that
fact mean to you?

34. Do you have a desire to escape an unhappy home, school,

or work situation? Such a desire to escape often “makes the
grass on the other side of the fence look greener”. Marriage
looks like the way out. Under such circumstances, it is easy to
confuse infatuation with love.

35. What has been your reaction to these questions? Have

you found it difficult to be honest with yourself? Have you
rationalized any of your answers? Have you dismissed the use
of such analysis on the assumption that questions cannot help
you anyway? Have the questions put you on the defensive, as if
you were afraid they would undermine something not fully
secure?

The reader may wonder whether there can be any true love.
Doubts about his own feelings may have increased. This may be
temporarily confusing, but it is not dangerous. Let him remember
that a love that cannot stand the test of thirty five questions could
never stand the test of thirty five years of marriage or, for that
matter, even thirty five months of marriage.

In many cases, try as he will, an individual cannot reach a

conclusion as in whether or not he is in love. Sometimes the more
he tries, the more confused he becomes; and the more confused he
becomes, the more he feels impelled to reach a conclusion, until a
vicious circle into which he has been precipitated absorbs a large
portion of his time, energy and attention. There is no simple
prescription that may be administered to such a person to rid him of
the problem that plagues him. Probably the answer is time and
explanation of his plight is this: He is trying to reach a conclusion by
intellectual processes alone, when the conclusion must be based
at least in part on a growth process, and growth requires time. His
experience up to this date is his relationship with the other person
has contributed certain “data” that form part of the basis upon which
a conclusion will eventually be reached. But the “data” are
incomplete and, although the individual goes over them, examines
them, and “digests” them again and again, he arrives nowhere.
What he needs is more experience, more contact with and
observation of the other person, more “data” which will require time.
Since it is indecision that is plaguing him, and since any decision
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Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

will aid him in breaking the vicious circle, the individual should, if he
can do so, “make a decision to make no decision”; that is, he should
definitely make up his mind to suspend judgment until he had more
“data” and for the time being stop trying to reach a conclusion.

Putting all that we have discussed up to this point into a nutshell, we

may say that two individuals are in love not only when they have
certain strong emotional responses to one another and have for
each other a particular type of regard. They are in love when their
mutual relationship fosters the growth of each individual and is itself
likely to increase in depth and satisfaction. They are in love when
they begin to merge their patterns of life into one common pattern
that will eventually represent a new entity of which individual is a
complementary part.

In discussing love, we may well raise one further question. On

what basis does one individual have the right to assume he will be
loved by someone else? To be loved is a great privilege. To be
loved is also a great responsibility. When an individual allows
himself to be loved, he holds in his hand the happiness, perhaps
even the destiny, of another person. Shall he expect to be loved
because he is so loveable? Or shall he expect to be loved because
the other person is so loving? As we shall see in a later chapter,
upon his answers to these questions may rest his approach to one
of the basic concepts of marital adjustment.
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

GENOGRAMS

A genogram is a map that provides a graphic picture of family

structure and emotional process over time. It is a "diagnostic”
tool and a structured technique for reconstructing and
analyzing a person's “emotional family tree” in order to better
understand the transmission of multi-generational patterns
and influences in a person.

A genogram analysis will cover a family's behavioral (ways of

coping, adapting), emotional (unresolved mourning,
traumas), and belief (family rules, rituals, myths) systems. It
will look at the following:

1. Personal: vulnerabilities, issues of reactivity, learned

strengths
2.Systems: closeness/distance, power hierarchy,
repeated patterns of behavior and relating, family belief
and systems

A complete genogram starts with the construction of one's family

tree (see construction symbols) and should include the
following information:

1. Names/nicknames of all family members in at least three

generations (starting with oneself); number of siblings
2. Dates of birth, marriage, separation, death and other significant
life events (e.g., transfer of residence)
3. Notations (with dates, if possible) about occupation, places of
residence, illness, changes in life course
4. Information on three or more generations, e.g.
! How did members relate as a family ?
! Significant persons in the family (or in the person's life)
! Stories, conversations, etc. in the family that affected their
way of living
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Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009
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Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

Some questions to ask:

1. What is your birth position in the family?

2. How do you feel about your birth position?
3. What was your father like as a father and as a husband?
! What did you like about your father? How does this affect
your relationship now?
! What did you not like about your father? How does this
affect your relationship now?
4. What was your mother like as a mother and as a wife?
! What did you like about your mother? How does this affect
your relationship now?
! What did you not like about your mother? How does this
affect your relationship now?
5. Are you closer to your father or mother?
6. Who has the power in your family?
7. How is your partner similar or different from your father or
mother?
8. In your family, how did you handle the following:
! affection, success, achievement
! hostility, anger, resentment
! career
! division of labor in the household
! roles of husband and wife
! finances
! conflicts and failures
! visits to grandparents
How do these affect your relationship now?
9. What were the events in your family history that affect or
influence you until now?
10. What were the role expectations in your family of origin
! from the males
! from the females
How will these affect your relationship with your prospective
spouse?
11. What do you wish to change in your family of origin?
12. What is the symbol of your family?
13. What does your family usually talk about? What would your
family not dare to talk about? What topics does your family not
talk about? Any explanations why this is so?
14. When are the times you felt most happy about your family?
How come?
15. When was the last big crisis your family had? How was it
resolved?
16. With what things can you rely on with your family?
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Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

SEXUAL SIN
What Does The Bible Really Say?
Society winks at it. But can Christians treat it lightly?
By Mark Kinzer

A few year ago several denominations sponsored a study of

American youth. Researchers questioned 8,000 young people, almost all
of them church-goers. They asked about their attitudes, their
relationships, their behavior. Among the study's discoveries was that by
ninth grade 20% of the young people had begun to engage in sexual
intercourse. By ninth grade.
One might think that such a finding would stride the church
leaders who sponsored the study as a matter of grave concern. Not so.
While they tool note of it, their overall evaluation of the finding s was
quite up-beat. The vast majority of youths, they concluded, are doing
constructive things, such as “ building friendship skills, growing in
empathy, valuing parents and family, struggling with issues of freedom
and independence, opposing racial discrimination, caring about the
hungry and the poor, and contemplating the future.”
The church leaders' lack of alarm was perhaps typical of the way
that many Christian leaders have been influenced by an increasingly
hedonistic society to regard sex. Not that they abandoned Christian sexual
morality: there is no reason to think that they approved of fornication. But
they treated the teens' sexual activity according to the general view of
society today, where sexual activity, for singles as well as married people,
is seen as a common and therefore not particularly notable part of life.
According to this mindset, only people who are naïve or prudish
would “make a big thing” of that fact that 14 yeas old were having sex.
Proclaim that sexual immorality is a serious offense against God, one that
leads to eternal damnation? What a peculiar and antiquated notion!
The very fact that sexual immorality is commonplace in our
society, and generally accepted, exerts a subtle but powerful pressure on
Christian leaders. It inclines us to mute our presentation of moral
teaching, to avoid speaking about the importance of sexual purity and the
consequences of sexual wrongdoing. We cease to think that people can
live chaste lives; we accustom ourselves to sexual wrongdoing among the
people we are leading. We treat sexual immorality as understandable and
not deserving of great attention.
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Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

AHealthy Corrective

As we are probably aware, this is not at all the view that we find
in the Bible, sexual immorality is taken very seriously indeed. It is
regarded as a subject that warrants careful pastoral attention.
For all of us who are constantly exposed to contemporary
culture's blasé acceptance of sexual sin, reviewing the Scriptural teaching
can be a healthy corrective. This is what I propose to do here.
There are various ways to explore what the scriptures say about
sexual wrongdoing. I would like to focus on the New Testament teaching
about sexual immorality, tracing the use of the Greek term porneia.
Porneia is sometimes translated ”immorality”, sometimes
“sexual immorality,” sometimes “fornication.” Various forms of the
porneia word-group occur in many passages in the New Testament,
usually as an abstract noun, meaning “sexual immorality,” or as concrete
noun, meaning “a sexually immoral person.' We are told to “abstain” and
“flee” and “keep away” from it (Acts 21:25; 1 Cor. 6:18; 1 Thess. 4:3).
“Among you there must not be even a mention” of it (Eph. 5:3).
Porneia is mentioned in several lists of forbidden acts. For
example, it is named in Revelation: “As for the cowardly, the faithless, the
polluted, as for murderers, those who commit porneia, sorcerers,
idolaters, and all liars, their lot shall be in the lake that burns with fire and
sulpher, which is the second death” (21:8).
Similarly in Galatians we are told that porneia, is one of the
works of the flesh and that “those who do such things will not inherit the
kingdom of God” (Gal. 5:18-1), a lesson which is also given in 1
Corinthians 6:9-10, Ephesians 5:5 and Revelation 22:15.
Those who are guilty of porneia “come under God's judgment”
(Heb. 13:14). Christians who do it and refuse to repent are to be driven out
of the Christian community (1Cor. 5).
The teaching is clear: porneia is a very serious of wrongdoing.

What Is Forbidden

What exactly does porneia mean? As bad as it is seen to be, the

New Testament does not provide an explicit definition.
We can infer some things from two passages where it is used --
1Corinthians 5 and 1Corithians 6. Here what porneia means in the context
is clear enough.
In 1 Corinthians 5 Paul writes: “it is actually reported that there is
porneia among you, and of a kind that is not found even among the
pagans; for a man is living with his father's wife” (verse 1). The man was
probably living with his stepmother, probably after his father's death.
Thus porneia here refers to incest.
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Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

In 1 Corinthians 6 Paul writes: “The body is not meant for

porneia but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body … Do you not know
that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I therefore take the
members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? … Shun
porneia” (verses 13, 15, 18).
The word translated “prostitute” in verse 15 is the concrete
feminine noun of the porneia word-group and could also mean a sexually
promiscuous woman. So Paul may be understood to be speaking about
sexual relations with a prostitute or about promiscuous sexual relations
outside marriage in general.
If Paul is speaking about sexual relations with a prostitute, what
is there about such relations that so concerns him? Is it the fact that sex is
being sold? The context would indicate that, on the contrary, his greatest
concern is that such relations occur outside the sanctified, “one-flesh”
relationship of covenanted marriage.

Old Testament Basis

Except for these two passages, the New Testament writers use
porneia without shedding much light on what the term means. How,
then, did their hearers know what they were talking about?
I suggest that they mainly understood through knowing the
Old Testament teaching. The apostolic teachers and their hearers
accepted the Old Testament teaching that defined sexual immorality.
Thus, if we are to understand porneia, we must go back to the
Old Testament to see what kinds of sexual behavior were identified as
immoral under the old covenant.
Several sections of the Old Testament law address sexual
wrongdoing. The most prominent is the commandment in the
Decalogue: “Thou shalt not commit adultery” (Exod. 20:14).
Deuteronomy 22:13-29 prohibits fornication and adultery, with a
special concern for the social disruption they cause. The chief passage
in the Old Testament law regarding sexual immorality, however, is
Leviticus 18.

ASolemn Charge
Leviticus 18 begins: “You shall not do as they do in the land of
Egypt, where you dwelt, and you shall not do as they do in the land of
Canaan, to which I am bringing you. You shall not walk in their
statutes. You shall do my ordinances and keep my statutes and walk in
them. I am the Lord your God. You shall therefore keep my statutes and
my ordinances, by doing which a man shall live. I am the Lord” (verse
2-5).
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Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

This is a rather solemn introduction. God is telling his people

that they are not to live like other peoples but are to lead a life set apart
for him, that reflects something of his nature, that allows him to dwell
among them.
The passage continues: “None of you shall approach anyone
near of kin to him to uncover nakedness. I am the Lord” (verse 6). The
next verses spell out what is meant by “near of kin,” mentioning father,
mother, siblings, and so on.
“Uncovering nakedness” is a euphemism for sexual
intercourse. It takes an initial stage of the sexual act and uses it to refer
to the whole. Thus these prohibitions forbid the entire process of sexual
union, not merely the completion in intercourse.
The chapter then moves on to deal with other forms of sexual
wrongdoing:
“You shall not lie carnally with your neighbor's wife and defile
yourself with her” (verse 20).
“You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an
abomination” (verse 22).
“You shall not lie with any beast and defile yourself with it,
neither shall any woman give herself to a beast to lie with it; it is
perversion” (verse 23).
In this chapter, then, we have a strong denunciation of incest,
adultery, homosexuality and bestiality.

Sexual Purity and Worship

The chapter concludes by emphasizing the seriousness of
sexual wrongdoing: “Do not defile yourselves by any of these things,
for by all these things the nations I am casting out before you defiled
themselves; and the land became defiled, so that I punished its iniquity,
and the land vomited out its inhabitants. But you shall keep my statutes
and my ordinances and do none of these abominations, either the native
or the stranger who sojourns among you (for all these abominations the
men of the land did who were before you so that the land became
defiled). For whoever shall do any of these abominations the persons
that do them shall be cut off from among their people. So keep my
charge never to practice any of these abominable customs which were
practiced before you, and never to defile yourselves by them. I am the
Lord your God” (verses 24-30).
The passage emphasizes that sexual wrongdoing is not only
immoral, it is defiling. It not only violates God's order for human
relationships; in some particular way it makes a human being unfit to
stand in God's presence and worship him. The word abomination is a
very strong expression for the displeasure that sexual immorality
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Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

provokes in God.
The defiling effect of sexual immorality is also taught in the
New Testament. In 1 Corinthians 6, Paul explains what is wrong with
sexual sin by reminding his hearers that their bodies are temples of the
Holy Spirit. Sexual immorality is incompatible with worship of God.
Another New Testament passage making the connection
between sexual purity and worship is 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8.:
“This is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain
from porneia; that each one of you know how to take a wife for himself
in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like heathen who do not
know God … For God has not called us for uncleanness, but in
holiness. Therefore, whoever disregards this disregards not man but
God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you.”
Again we can observe the connection between sexual
righteousness, “sanctification”, “holiness”, and “the Holy Spirit” on the
one hand; and between porneia and “uncleanness” (disqualifying a
person from worship) on the other hand.

Rules Just for Then?

Returning our attention to Leviticus 18, it is sometimes
objected that the purpose of these laws was to lead God's people away
from paganism. The practices forbidden by Leviticus 18 were
connected with idolatrous worship among the Canaanites. Thus, it is
argued, the main reason the Lord forbade his people to engage in them
was to steer them away from anything related to the practices of
idolatry. Since this need no longer exists, some say, the laws of
Leviticus no longer apply.
Now it may be that some commands of the Old Testament law
were intended chiefly to distinguish God's people Israel from the
surrounding idolatrous societies. But in the case of the teaching of
Leviticus 18, its harmony with the entire teaching and outlook on
sexuality throughout the Old and New Testament indicates that it has a
deeper basis than the need to protect against Canaanite worship. The
strength of the language seems to say that there is something
intrinsically defiling and abominable about these practices.
Indeed, it would seem that it was not association with idolatry
that made these sexual practices unclean. On the contrary, these
immoral practices were aspects of idolatrous worship that made it
especially reprehensible.
The emphasis in Leviticus 18 on God's people being different
from the surrounding pagan nations is actually quite important, but not
because it indicates that the teaching was meant only for that particular
time and place. Like Israel of old (and like the church in the New
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Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

Testament period) we contemporary Christians are surrounded by a

society that is extremely loose in its sexual mores. We need to refrain
from many sexual practices accepted by people around us. If we do
this, we, like God's people in the past, will end up being very different
from the people we live among.
I think the Lord wants us to make our peace with that
prospect. We should even develop in ourselves and among our people a
certain pride in being different, a gratitude for bring privileged to know
God's ways, which reveal something of God's nature. We should be
glad to distance ourselves from practices that God holds himself distant
from.

Penalties
The penalties for disobeying the commandments against
sexual immorality are as severe as possible. Leviticus 20 provides the
penalties for many of the practices named in Leviticus 18. For every
one, the penalty is death. For example:
“If a man commits adultery with the wife of his neighbor, both
the adulterer and the adulteress shall be put to death” (verse 10).
“The man who lies with his father's wife has uncovered his
father's nakedness; both of them shall be put to death” (verse 11).
“If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have
committed an abomination; they shall be put to death” (verse 13).
There is a relationship between the Old Testament punishment
and the punishments of the New Testament and of the final judgment.
The new covenant analog to capital punishment is exclusion from the
church. The parallel in terms of eternal realities is the lake of fire, that
is, hell. The severity of the punishments under both the old and new
dispensations and in eternity underline the tremendous seriousness of
sexual sin in God's eyes.

PastoralAttention

Let us draw some conclusions from all this.

First of all, from the Old Testament background and from the
New Testament context, we may conclude that porneia refers to all
sexual relations except with one's proper marriage partner.
Second, the condemnation of immoral sexual practices is not
simply due to their connection with pagan worship. It is based on their
intrinsic wrongness.
Third, porneia is both unholy and very serious.
In order to respond pastorally to sexual immorality in the lives
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Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

of the people we are caring for, we need to know much more than this.
We also need to understand God's good purposes for sex, how to deal
with individuals, how to build up church life in ways that support
sexual righteousness.
But a consideration of the Bible's teaching concerning sexual
immorality should be a spur to overcoming the contemporary tendency
to minimize it. May the biblical teaching move us to give the area the
serious attention it deserves.

Sexual Purity: Beyond Legalism

By Stephen B. Clark
As pastoral leaders, we should not simply tell people what God's
law forbids. We should help them understand God's intention in giving
his commandments. When people grasp God's intentions, they can put
their whole heart into obeying him, not being satisfied with eliminating
serious violations of the commandments, but shaping the way they live in
every respect in order to arrive at his purposes.
For instance, with regard to sex, it is particularly helpful for
people to see that the Lord holds up for us the ideal of a well-ordered life.
When sex is properly ordered in marriage, it strengthens family life. That,
in turn, strengthens the life of the church and society. Bringing sex into
proper order involves individual self-control, mastery over our desires.
From a Christian standpoint, this is a positive ideal.
In getting this ideal across, we are working against the modern
view that any form of sex is okay as long as it is “fulfilling” which
generally means as long as it gives pleasure.
From a scriptural perspective, this is a degraded view of sex. It
treats sex as something as animal does rather than as something that a
human being does. Animals follow their instincts. Human beings use their
minds to understand God's purposes for life, and make their decisions in
line with those purposes. The Lord is calling us to communicate this
vision to the people we are leading.
Another important principle to teach is this: That which shares
in the nature of what is forbidden is likewise forbidden. We should not
merely try to avoid the grossest violations of God's law. We should also
exclude behavior that goes part way of violating the law, even while not
perhaps violating it in its fullness.
“Making out” (“necking”, petting) is an example. Many
Christians today would say that, while fornication is out (or, as they would
put it, “going all the way” is out), it is alright to make out for a little
recreation, or for personal exploration, or to assuage your sexual desires.
But the traditional Christian view is that making out constitutes engaging
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Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

in fornication or adultery.
For one thing, it is only common sense that making out does not
assuage sexual desires. God specifically designed it to arouse them, not
assuage them.
For another, there is an integrity to the scriptural understanding
of sexual relations, which includes all those initial activities which are a
natural part of intercourse. Thus Scripture often refers to the sexual act by
simply mentioning the first stage of it; for instance, “uncovering
nakedness” (see Leviticus 18). That phrase does not mean simply having
no clothes on. It means the kind of unclothing that involves moving
toward having sexual relations.
Scripture also uses the expression, “approach a woman”
(Leviticus 18: 6, 19). This implies that there is an appropriate distance
between men and women, and that to violate it is already to enter on the
process of fornication.
“Not touch a woman” is another biblical expression for sexual
relations (1 Corinthians 7:1). It does not mean shaking hands, but the sort
of touching that is the beginning of the process of sexual relations.
From this scriptural perspective, engaging in the initial stages
may be less serious that doing everything one could possibly do in the act
of fornication. But just because a person does not bring the sexual act to
completion does not mean that he or she has not begun to commit
fornication.
It is interesting that many modern people who claim to abhor
“legalism” actually take refuge in a kind of legalism when it comes to
sexual morality. They seek to make space for everything that stops short of
a full-scale violation of the letter of the law, and do not consider the spirit,
or purpose, of the law.
One of the clearest signs of this sort of thing is the question:
“How far can I go and not sin?” It is already the wrong question, indicating
that the person who asks it is not yet living the life of a disciple who puts
his or her mind, heart, spirit, and strength into loving the Lord and
accomplishing his purposes.
The right question is “What can I do to be fully in the right place
in this area? How can I live my life in all respects in a way that most
corresponds to God's purpose and God's order for this area of my life?”
A third principle is this: What leads to violation of the
commandment should be avoided if reasonably possible; what leads
to keeping it should be done if reasonably possible.
For example, we should avoid immodesty, uncontrolled
thoughts, pornography, hanging out with the wrong people, going to the
wrong places, and so on. Those things lead us to and others into trouble.

Take immodest dress, for example. Dressing immodestly may or

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Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

may not affect the person who is doing it, but it certainly affects some
other people. We should lead people to be concerned not only for keeping
themselves in the right place, but also for helping others to stay in the right
place.
The positive side of the principle means that we should build into
our life together in the church things that will help us fulfill the purposes of
God's commandments. We want to further the right use of the sexual
capability that God has put in us.
An example of a positive response would be to develop a sound
pastoral approach to dating and courtship. First Thessalonians 4: 3-8
instructs us to abstain from sexual immorality and to enter marriage in
holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like heathens who do not
know God. How might we help the members of the church do just this?
A key element of a pastoral strategy would be to teach the
Christian view of marriage, with its responsibilities – which is a model of
marriage that many Christians today do not understand. On the basis, we
can encourage singles to think about the qualities of character that they
and their spouse would need.
In personal pastoral care, we can steer them away from making a
decision to marry mainly on the basis of emotional attraction, and help
them focus their attention on objective issues, such as personal readiness
and common vision, that are crucial for a successful marriage. And we can
guide them through the courtship process in ways that abet sober,
prayerful decision-making, and away from approaches that tend toward
indulging emotional infatuation or sexual temptation.

Engaged Couples: Why Wait?

By Janet E. Smith

Few think it sensible for those who are engaged to wait until their
wedding night to enjoy sexual union. This view seems to be nearly as
widespread among Christians as in the rest of society. Many think that
waiting until marriage would make sexual intimacy too awkward; that it is
good to have a more relaxed and casual time to get to know one another
sexually. Most think that since the couple are soon going to take vows, it
makes little difference whether sexual intimacy begins before or after a
ceremony which simply ratifies a commitment already felt.

What difference does waiting make?

Well, certainly a vow is not a vow until it is spoken. Unspoken,

ungratified commitments are all too easily broken. But there are practical
reasons as well.
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Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

Father James Burtchaell of the University of Notre Dame has

written a marvelous book, For Better or Worse, laying out many of the
reasons why it is best for couples to wait until marriage before they begin
their sexual intimacy. He speaks eloquently of the period before marriage
as an irreplaceable opportunity for the lovers to get to know one another.
Engaging in sexual intercourse creates a false sense of closeness.
It creates a bond that may obscure elements in a relationship which need to
be worked on. Courtship is a wonderful time for sketching out dreams and
plans, for expressing worries and hesitations. The delight of sexual union
can easily be a disincentive to working out all the matters that those who
are getting married should work out.
But there is perhaps a deeper reason, and that is a question of
honesty and trust. Few of those having sexual relations before marriage,
especially Christians, can be fully open about their actions. This means
that individuals engaging in such relationships must inevitably be
deceiving someone – most likely their parents, their teachers, and perhaps
their friends as well. The ability to practice such deception does not bode
well for one's integrity.
The lovers observe that each is good at deceiving. They will file
away this information and will most likely have reason to wonder in the
future if the other is being honest. After all, one's beloved had no trouble
deceiving others whom he or she respected.
Many Christians feel terrible guilt at violating their own deeply
held moral principles. Some, after they are married, have guilty feelings
about sex. In a sense they have programmed themselves to think of sexual
intercourse as a furtive and naughty activity.
Couples who do wait until marriage to enjoy sexual union often
seem to have a special kind of euphoria about their sexual union. Because
they have waited, they feel entitled to sexual enjoyment and see it as a
privileged good of marriage. They have an easier time developing a deep
and abiding trust and consideration for each other. Their willingness to
wait, their willingness to endure the strains of sexual continence because
they love and respect one another, is a great testimony to their strength of
character.
By waiting, they have also shown that sexual attraction is not the
most important part of the relationship. They have shown that they enjoy
each other's company even when the delights of sexual union are not
available to them. Such faithfulness and chastity before marriage insure
greater faithfulness and chastity during marriage.
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Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

Marriage Preparation:
Early Enough to
Make a Difference
by Ken Wilson

A few years ago the Roman Catholic Church in my area

announced what many viewed as a rigorous approach to marriage
preparation. All engaged couples would have to wait six months before
getting married. During this time they would be required to participate in
a process that involved a computerized compatibility test, interviews with
the parish priest, and a course of instruction in marriage.
For many years other churches, especially conservative
Protestant ones, have taktu-What amounts to a similar approach.
Christian churches in general have experienced a growing anxiety about
the frequency with which the knots they tie at the altar come undone, and a
growing desire to do something to turn it around. Marriage preparation is
viewed as the point where the church can intervene eftectively.
But if by marriage preparation we mean merely what the pastoral
ministry of the church is able to do with a young couple between the point
of engagement and the wedding, we are missing the boat. Before we even
begi@n', we have sharply limited our potential influence.
Consider the position of the parish priest in the diocese that has
adopted the "rigorous approach" to marriage preparation-or of any other
pastor who would require that an engaged couple go through a relatively
thorough preparation process before the wedding. If the pastor questions
the couple's suitability for marriage, what alternatives does he have? He
can say, "Somehow let's try to make the relationship work," even though
he has serious doubts that it can work. Or he can take an extreme position:
"My advice is to call this whole thing off."
Even a less radical altemative-suggesting that the couple spend
additional time thinking about important issues with a view to
reconsidering their suitability for marriage to each other-has the net
impact of whistling in a wind storm. By this time the couple has fallen
deeply in love, they are experiencing profound and seemingly compelling
urges to sleep together, they have already asked their musician friend to
play his guitar at the wedding, and the invitations are in the mail to the
printer. They are like canoeists in the middle of a river laced with white
water: ready or not, here they come!
The pattern of recreational dating in our culture simply is not
geared to Christian priorities for young people's character development,
brotherly and sisterly relationships, and chastity.
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Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

At times like this, how many of us have wished that someone had
spoken with them much earlier, before they even took that first evening
out together? If marriage preparation is going to make a significant
impact on the appalling divorce statistics in our churches, someone will
have to do just that: begin marriage preparation much earlier than at the
time of engagement.

""HELP ME DO IT RIGHT!"

If we are to develop an approach that goes beyond the limits of

postengagement marriage preparation, we would do well to consider how
we might respond to a young, highly dedicated and motivated single
person who approaches us with the question, "I'd like to get married, but
I'd like to do it in a way that is most pleasing to God. This is one of the
most important decisions I'll ever make, and 1 want to make it wisely. Can
you help me?"
I recommend thinking about things from this angle for two
reasons. First of all, there are in fact a large number of young people who
have made wholehearted commitments to follow the Lord Jesus and who
at least "want to want" an approach to marriage that places a strong
emphasis on pleasing God. In many casts the church has failed to channel
the zeal of these young people in the critically important area of finding a
spouse.
Second, if we don't consider the matter from this perspective, we
may never get around to envisioning what a truly Christian approach to
preparing for marriage would be. What would an approach look like that
was shaped by the counsel of God rather than by the influences of a secular
culture that does not care what God thinks? Of course, it would be quite
another thing to translate a truly Christian approach into a workable
alternative for all the young people in our churches, prayer groups, and
communities. But until we have seriously considered what a Christian
approach might be-apart from what the young people whom we know
might be likely to accept-we won't even have the benefit of a clearly
focused target at which to aim, a goal to try to approximate.
If we -are to have any advice to give to the young, enthusiastic,
single person who has come to us seeking counsel, we must co nsider
some of the issues he or she is facing: How should I handle dating? What
are the limits on sexual expression before marriage? How do I know
when I'm ready to get married? How do I know if the person I'm attracted
to is ready? How do I know if we're a good match? We should also
consider how young people already tend to approach these issues, given
the secular culture they are living in.
In this article we will look at the first two areas-dating and sexual
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Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

expression-and leave the others until next month.

1. DATING PATTERNSAND PROBLEMS

Before a young person gets close to decisions about marriage

itself, he or she faces decisions about how to handle dating. This is an
important area. How dating goes can affect a person's own development
and, eventually, who one marries and even how things go afterwards.
However, few people make clear decisions about dating-only about who
they want to date and who they don't. The problem with this is that the
pattern of dating that is common among young people does not serve
Christian priorities.
The essence of the problem is that dating has become detadhed
from the process of looking for a marriage partner, that is, from courtship,
and has become a form of recreation. Dating developed in the 19th
century as a progr'essive approach to choosing a spouse. It was
progressive in that it allowed young people to exercise personal choice
over whom they married. This is a rather recent development in Western
cultures, although we now take it for granted. But over the last several
decades dating has shifted from being mainly a courtship process to
become the main form of young people's social life. It has also become a
way of life at earlier and earlier ages- 15, 14, 13. And it has become a less
and less supervised activity.
Dating by young people who are not ready to proceed toward
marriage has several drawbacks. One problem is that recreational dating
tends to turn young people inward on themselves rather than outward to
God and service of others. It absorbs a lot of time which could be devoted
to serving other people, developing skills, gaining knowledge. Young
people spend many hours focusing on themselves, on how they.look to
other people, on whether they are attractive to one another, on how they
are coming across to one another. This kind of self-absorption is not at all
helpful later on in marriage.
A second disadvantage is that recreational dating interferes with
young people developing the right kinds of relationships with one another.
Christian young people should be learning to treat one another as brothers
and sisters in Christ to be honored and served, not as objects of potential
romantic interest or as romantic competitors. Strong brotherly
relationships among the young men and sisterly relationships among the
young women are an important support for developing manly and
womanly character. But recreational dating, where it is the main structure
for social life, undermines these kinds of relationships. Rather than a
wide variety of strong personal relationships, young people tend to focus
on one-on-one relationships with someone of the opposite sex. The
pattern of relying on just one person for one's social and emotional needs
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develops expectations that can later overburden the marriage relationship.

Recreational dating can have a particularly destructive im@hct
on the youth group in a church or fellowship. Young people's
preoccupation with romantic relationships generates self-concern rather
than concern for others. A lot of flirting goes on. Jealousies appear.
Those who are less attractive or popular feel isolated, left out, resentful.
Even more serious are the temptations to fornication that go
along with recreational dating. Young people who spend a lot of time in
one-on-one relationships are sooner or later going to run into sexual
temptations, and possibly serious sin.
I acknowledge that this is a radical critique, but the problem
requires it. The pattern of recreational dating in our culture simply is not
geared to Christian priorities for young people's character development,
brotherly and sist'erly relationships in Christ, and chastity.
I have found that young people are not so resistant to
acknowledging these pitfalls as one might think. I have had success in
sharing this perspective with young people who are seriously seeking
advice about how to handle their lives in a way pleasing to God. They have
experienced the pressures and griefs of recreational dating. My
recommendation to young single people who see the validity of this
critique of recreational dating is to take a very different approach. Until
one is ready to begin seeking a spouse, don't date. Look for opportunities
to be with members of the opposite sex in group situations rather than one-
on-one. Avoid the pressures, limitations, frustrations, and temptations of
dating as a form of recreation and self-exploration.

2. CONFUSIONABOUT MORALITY

A second important issue that faces young people along the path
toward marriage is what restrictions to place on sexual behavior before
they are married. If a young man or roman decides to cut out of the
recreational dating pattem, this question will be deferred but will return
later, perhaps even more seriously, when he or she gets to the point of
dating as a way of moving toward finding a spouse.
Many young people today-and we are still talking about young
people who have made a serious commitment to follow the Lord Jesus-are
not clear in their own minds about right and wrong in sexual behavior
outside marriage. The secular culture they ?re living in is thoroughly'
anti-Christian at this point.
Recently the director of a Christian campus organization told me
about an undergraduate student who had undergone a radical conversion
from agnosticism to faith in Jesus. In casual conversation the young man
(whom we will call Joe) told the director about a nice evening he had the
week before. It began with a party at his fraternity, where he met an
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attractive and thoughtful young woman. Along with some others, they
capped ofr a lovely evening by checking into a local hotel, where the
newly introduced couples celebrated the joy of sex. My friend was not all
thtit shocked that a new convert had fallen into serious sin. But he was
incredulous that this young man shared the in.formation without the
slightest trace of shame-as if he were telling of a visit home where he took
in a good football game with his dad. After talking at length with Joe, my
friend became convinced that Joe had no idea that his pleasant evening
had deeply offended God.
Though this incident is not typical of most Christian young
people, it is typical of many of their friends and of the social environments
in which they are spending much of their time-and which powerfully
influence them. Among many young people sex has become another form
of recreation. along with volleyball, Trivial Pursuit, windsurfing, and the
Saturday night movie on TV. This form of recreation is no longer reserved
for the back scat of a '57 Chevy, where it is engaged in with the thrill of
eating forbidden fruit. It is increasingly becoming an acceptable, even
expected, activity for young people.
Symptomatic of this trend is the fact that many young people
who maintain a serious Christian commitment would attempt to present a
case for the acceptability of sex within a loving relationship prior to
marriage. In some congregations fornication is forbidden not so much as
a behavior for Christians but as a topic for pastors who want to maintain
credibility with a youthful constituency.

WHAT,, NO PORN???
The biblical witness concerning sex is clear. The sexual
relationship is reserved exclusively for marriage-the covenant
relationship between husband and wife recognized by the community of
believers. The New Testament term used to describe a wide variety of
illicit sexual conduct is .fornication, porneia. Those who practice porneia
are in grave danger of being excluded from the kingdom of God unless
they repent.
X"ile it is fashionable to pooh-pooh the relative seriousness of
sexual wrongdoing ("after all, there are many things much more
displeasing to God, and the church has for too long been hung up with a
Puritanical view of sex"), the scriptures seem to warn against the
dangers of sexual wrongdoing with special emphasis. In his first letter
to the Corinthians Paul says, "Flee from sexual immorality. All other
sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins
against his own body. Do you not know that your body is the temple of
the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?
You are not your own; you were bought with a price. Therefore honor
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God in your body" (1 Cor. 6:18-20). The conscience that has been
shaped by our secular age minimizes the seriousness of sexual sin with
the thought that sexual wrongdoing is a victimiess crime. But Paul
points out that sexual immorality is especially to be shunned because it
so intimately involves a believer's body, which is a temple of the Holy
Spirit--a consideration that only occurs to a mind transformed by the
sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit.
Many Christians would acknowledge that sexual intercourse
before marriage is wrong but would view the term "fornication" as a
technical term for intercourse only. They do not think that the prohibition
of porneia completely rules out a wide range of sexual interaction that
stops short of intercourse-necking, making out, petting. But the Greek
term porneia does not mean only intercourse. It can refer to a wide range
of sexual conduct.
It is quite reasonable to think that when God forbade sexual
immorality he had in mind not only illicit sexual intercourse but the whole
package of sexual conduct, including much of what would be considered
foreplay. This squares with the human experience of the sexual
encounter. The sexual encounter is by nature progressive: one thing is
meant to lead to another. We are psychologically and biologically
designed to experience a compelling sense of momentum that begins with
foreplay and ends with intercourse. The Lord Jesus commands us not
only to avoid acts of sexual wrongdoing but also to avoid committing it in
our hearts. How, then, can it be legitimate for single people to engage in
the early stages of the sexual act, which inevitably arouse the desire for
intercourse?
I have found it is not hard to, demonstrate to a young man that the
sexual "preliminaries" are in fact part of the total package of the sexual
encounter which includes intercourse. I simply ask him if he has ever had
an erection while necking with his girl friend.
It does not make sense for those who want to avoid sexual
intercourse before marriage to engage in any of the physical dimensions
of the sexual encounter. It does not make sense to sit in the driver's seat of
a car, turn on the engine, and shift out of "park," if you 'don't yet have a
driver's license. Advice of this sort may sound old-fashioned, but it is
reasonable, and it respects the way we were created as sexual beings.
Because it is realistic and seriously concerned with fulfilling God's
commands in this area, young people who want to handle this area in a
way that ,pleases him are often willing to receive it and put it into practice.
Sometimes one hears the objection that it is a disadvantage to enter
marriage without at least a little sexual practice. There is simply no
good evidence to suggest that this is the case. I know several young
couples who were married with no more than hand holding, walking
arm in arm, and an occasional good-night kiss before their wedding.
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Their sexual adjustment in marriage is as good as, or better than, many

I know who were sexually active before marriage. As long as both
partners maintain a sense of humor in the early days after the wedding
and recognize that they have plenty of time to deal with any difficulties
within the context of a patient, committed relationship, sexual
adjustment in marriage works out quite well.

Marriage Preparation:
Are You Ready?
by Ken Wilson

This is the second half of a two-part article. Last month, Ken

Wilson pointed out that when marriage preparation begins only when a
couple becomes engaged, it starts too late to give young people help
with crucial areas along the way to a successful marriage, such as
dating, premarital sexual behavior, and choosing a spouse. Last month
he examined problems with contemporary approaches to dating and
sexual morality, and suggested some Christian solutions. This mi)nth
he continues with a discussion of other key issues to consider in a
longer-range approach to marriage preparation.

3. PERSONALMATURITY

If we look at marriage as the Bible describes it-committed,

permanent, designed for raising children in the context of stability and
love, oriented to serving other people-it is immediately apparent that
marriage requires no small measure of personal maturity. The more
charactpr strengths a man or a woman can bring into marriage and the
fewer glaring weaknesses, the better prepared he or she is for what is
the greatest set of responsibilities most people undertake in life.
That should not seem like a creative or controversial point. But
unfortunately it is not clear to many young people. A lot of young folks,
affected by the secular culture, think of marriage primarily as an
opportunity for intimate companionship, personal fulfilment, and
emotional and sexual satisfaction, but do not appreciate the
responsibilities involved.
Many young people have the idea that marriage will help them
"grow up," rather than seeing maturity as a prerequisite for marriage. This
shows a naivete about what marriage involves. Hopefully, of course, the
responsibilities of marriage will stimulate maturity, as well as provide
personal satisfactions. But without sufficient maturity at the outset, the
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relationship only exacerbates weaknesses.

Areas of immaturity that can prove especially troublesome in
marriage are
-self-centeredness
-irresponsibility with time and money
-excessive concern with material success and
willingness to subordinate everything to one's career
-fearfulness and insecurity.
We should exercise our pastoral influence to help young
believers view marriage as something to get ready for through growth in
personal maturity. The desire to be married and to have a marriage that is
fruitful should be channeled into efforts to develop maturity, especially in
these areas.

4. RELATIONSHIPS

Of the various dimensions of personal maturity that form a foundation

for a good marriage, I would particularly emphasize the state of a person's
relationships. Before a Christian gets married, his or her relationship with
the Lord ought to be firmly established. I know many new believers in
their early twenties who have decided to suspend steps that would lead to
marriage for a year or two in order to focus their attention on knowing
God. Granted, few think of this themselves. But when the idea is
presented to them as a concrete way to put God first in their lives, many
respond with the degree of conviction that can overcome even powerful
desires.
It is easy to overlook the importance of good relation@hips with others
as a training ground for the marriage relationship. The skills that make for
a successful marriage are not a unique set of personal techniques designed
only for marriage. They are, for the most part, the skills required for any
relationship: knowing how to work out conflicts, when to assert and when
to defer, how to express esteem and love, how to correct and be corrected.
The biblical teaching on marriage is often viewed as restricted to a few
passages that address marriage explicitly, but the wisdom for marriage is
found wherever the Bible teaches on how the sons and daughters of God
are to relate to others.
Simply put, folks should practice relating well to other human beings
before attempting marriage. Unfortunately, many people grow up today
with only superficial acquaintances and friendships. It can help young
people a great deal to experience relationships at close quarters through
living in an apartment with a Christian roommate, through participating in
a committed body of believers, or through a summer missions experience
that involves traveling, working, and living with others.
In addition, good relationships before getting married continue ,
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to provide a support afterwards. Single men who develop good

relationships with other men, and single women with other women, have a
broad social foundation for their lives. On the other hand, men and women
who are insecure in their relationships with members of their own sex
often turn to marriage as the relationship that wffi fill all their needs for
friendship, recreation, and support. This puts an enormous burden on the
turriage partner and sets both spouses u for disappointment.

5. CHOOSINGAPARTNER

For many, choosing a partner is as easy as failing in love. Young

people have a romantic expectation of meeting one who is erotically
attractive and elicits a mysterious sense of compatibility. "Failing in love"
hits a person like a powerful religious experience, and seems almost to be
the voice of God saying, "This is the one for you." This highly subjective
phenomenon is the overriding criterion for selecting a mate.
But alas, a person can fall in love with members of the opposite sex who
would not make a great spouse for him or her. Marriages that lack a
stronger foundation than romance often turn out to be relationships in
which romance founders on the rocks of conflict and disillusionment.
The best formula for enduring romance and sexual satisfaction in
marriage is a solid foundation of personal maturity, selfknowledge, and
common purpose.
As pastoral leaden we are in a position to encourage single
people to get clear in their own minds, first of all, what is important to
them, what they see as God's priorities for them. We can help them sort
out and articulate their own values, goals, and approaches. Ayoung single
person should ask himself what kind of life he wants to live, and how
marriage is going to fit into that. What is his perspective on Christian
service? (Does he have the desire to serve God in particular ways that
would affect family life? What importance does his identification with a
particular way of living the Christian life, a particular Christian
confessional tradition or church, have for him, and would a spouse need to
share it? What about economic life style-how does he define
"comfortable," "moderate," or "simple"? Some sober self-knowledge at
these points is very helpful in selecting a potential spouse.
In the days of arranged marriages, the skillful "yenta," or matchmaker,
would look for temperamental compatibility. When a person chooses his
own spouse, he needs to rely on sober self-assessment.
It is helpful for people to see some of the quirks of their temperament
which they might want their spouse to balance out-some sense of "how 1
work as a person" and "what my weak spots are." This does not need to be
very detailed, but some thinking along this line can be helpful in matching
up with a potential marriage partner. A single person should think
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seriously about his or marriage." Maybe, maybe not. There is a great

diversity among Christians on important issues having to do with
marriage and family life. How do 1 see the role of the husband in the
family? What kind of leadership do I think a husband ought to take in the
family? Do I think a mother should be at home? Or is outside
employment acceptable? What are my views of the roles of husband and
wife? What would my approach to child rearing be? Family size? Birth
control?
We should help the young person see the financial ramifications
of marriage. Many are naive about what it costs to be married and have
children. They think it will "just work out somehow," that "love will make
it work." Certainly the financial side of married life require3 trust in God.
But that does not preclude counting the cost before building the tower. We
ought to help young people get in touch with the reality of the finance3
involved, of how marriage affects a person's ability to take career risks,
pursue graduate studies, start a business, and so on.
It is not only important for a couple to have sufficient financial
means, but also for each one to have his individual finances in reasonably
good order before getting married. Surveys of marital stress cite finances
as one of the key places where difficulties come up in marriages. If a
person has not been able to keep personal finances in order before
marriage, he or she will find it even more difficult to master the corporate
finances of married life.

AFRESH START

All this points to a fact that many Christian leaders are reluctant
to face: it takes radical Christian commitment to approach the process of
getting married in a distinctively Christian way. Christian pathways to
marriage that were well-worn in cultures shaped by Christian influence
have been closed up. In their place are narrow roads through the secular
culture, roads requiring travelers with vision and a disciple's commitment.
Trying to get those without such vision and commitment to take the
approach I have outlined strikes me as a waste of time.
In many situations the place to begin would be with just two or
three young people who are especially open to teaching in this area. A fair
amount of teaching and personal pastoral care would be needed. As these
two or three set a new pattern, an increasingly visible alternative to the
dominant approach is provided: others find support to follow a path less
worn.
Over several years in our community we have developed
alternative patterns for dating and premarital sexual behavior, choosing a
spouse, and so on. Most of those who marry in our setting have adopted
these patterns or at least have been substantially influenced by them.
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We begin with long-term preparation directed toward young men and

young women of college age (although we increasingly see the need to
work with younger teens and their parents). Pastoral care is focused on
helping these young people come into a committed, mature relationship
with the Lord and on giving them teaching and pastoral care aimed at
developing basic Christian maturity.
In addition to the courses of instruction in Christian living that all
our community members receive (what commitment to Christ means,
how to open your life to the Holy Spirit, how to grow in faith, what the fruit
of the Spirit is, scriptural principles for handling personal relationships,
and so on) we teach young people about the biblical approach to marriage
and sexuality. We have found it useful to give our perspective on how
Christians should approach marriage and sex fairly early on. The high
school and early college years (this applies also to young adults who are
not in college) are unrivaled as times for hearing Christian teaching,
changing one's point of view, and setting one's life on a new course in the
case of young people who have not grown up into a Christian perspective.
The late teens and early twenties are a prime time to teach about marriage
and choosing a spouse, even if some people at that age are not yet dealing
with those questions. It is a time to seize the pastoral initiative in marriage
preparation.
In addition to teaching, we try to persuade young people of the
advantage of deferring dating until a time when a person is ready to
actually marry. At the same time, we place an emphasis on young men and
women relating in group settings, especially with an outward focus. We
try to develop a substantial Christian environment Cor single people in
which everyone is following the same approach to dating, sexual
behavior, and so on. Having a social environment that supports the
approach is an invaluable accompaniment to the teaching and personal
pastoral care.

OBJECTIVE CRITERIA

Another element of our long-term marriage preparation is

teaching that helps the young people see the differences between a
Christian approach to sexuality and marriage and today's secular
approaches. Some of this is accomplished through group teaching, but
much depends on personal conversation between the younger person and
a parent or pastoral leader.
We want them to understand what true love is-and what it isn't.
We want them to see the commitment that is involved in marriage. We
want them to see the difference between Christian marriage and marriage
for self-fulfillmerit. We trv to help them recognize the pattern of "falling
in love" and then falling out of love-the problems that pattern creates, and
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the way the mass media work on young people to shape their approach to
this area of life.
We help them think about qualities to look for in a potential
partner as, later on, they move toward marriage. This teaching and
discussion puts them in a position to pay attention to objective criteria
before they find a strong emotional bond has grown up in a relationship.
We find it is helpful to explain the potential consequences of
entering marriage largely on the basis of romantic attraction, and we lay
out a way of thinking more objectively about marriage, about oneself, and
about choosing a life partner. We are able to point to the stability grid
happiness of marriages in our community. In other words, we have some
evidence to show that the approach to 'dating and courtship that we are
recommending bears good fruit.

WORTH DOING RIGHT

While efforts to provide marriage preparation which is palatable

to Christians with little motivation to approach the process in a
distinctively Christian way certainly do some good, I think we are kidding
ourselves to think that these eftorts will make more than a dent in the state
of marriage and family life that we so often wring our hands about. We
should also invest ourselves in forging a Christian approach to marriage
preparation that can become an effective alternative for the thousands of
dedicated young believers who are entering the kingdom these days. For
many of us, that will require that we refu;e the temptation to "despise the
day of small beginnings" (Zech. 4:10). Even if we only begin to work
with a few adventurous volunteers, we can be confident that small seeds
bearing the character of the kingdom are destined to flourish.
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SEXUALITY - GOD'S GIFT

Pastoral Letter of
Most Reverend Francis J. Mugavero
Bishop of Brooklyn
February 11, 1976

Dearly Beloved in Christ :

Sexuality is one of God's greatest gifts to man and woman. We

can say this only because sexuality “largely conditions his or her progress
toward maturity and insertion” but also because it is that aspect of
personhood which makes us capable of entering into loving relationships
with others. Theology teaches that relationship – the gift of oneself to
another – is at the very heart of God. The Father and Son give themselves
totally to one another and the mutuality of their total response in love is the
Holy Spirit, binding them together. we honor God and become more like
Him when we create in our own lives the loving, other-centered
relationships which at the same time gives us such human satisfaction and
personal fulfillment.
Recently the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith issued a
Declaration on certain Questions Concerning Sexual Ethics to emphasize
the importance of sexuality in our lives as followers of Christ. Bishops are
urged to share the moral wisdom of the Church in a way “capable of
properly enlightening the consciences of those confronted with new
situations” related to the meaning and value of human sexuality. It is with
this hope that we share these thoughts with you, our brothers and sisters in
the Lord.
Let us say clearly and without apology that chastity is a virtue
which liberates the human person. Chastity means simply that sexuality
and its physical, genital expressions are seen as good for man and woman
– good in so far as we make them serve life and love. Any of our good
powers can be turned to destructive purposes due to lack of concern,
weakness, or even a well-intentioned error. The excitement and
adventure of human living is to take our God-given talents and become
someone worthwhile – lovable and loving. It should not be surprising that
the power and pleasure which are part of sexuality will demand of us the
intelligence, honesty and sacrifice that might test our maturity to the
utmost degree. But we do not fear sexuality, we embrace it. What we fear
at times is our own inability to think as highly of the gift as does the God
who made us sexual being,

Sexuality Serving Love

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Sexuality is so much more than genital activity. It is an

aspect of personality which lets us enter other persons' lives as
friends and encourages them to enter our lives. The dimension of
sexuality must be developed by all men and women not only
because it is, as we have just seen, a gift making us more like God,
but is also so very necessary if we are to follow Jesus' command to
become “lovers.” It is a relational power which includes the
qualities of sensitivity, understanding, warmth, openness to
persons, compassion and mutual support. Who could imagine a
loving person without those qualities? Our Lord Jesus Christ was
fully a man – with the sexuality of a man. Some men and women
choose to conform closely to His life of celibate love in service of
fellowman and God's Kingdom; most people will express their love
of God and neighbor through “the intimate partnership of married
life and love.”
Does it appear unusual that as member of the same Church
some can embrace married love and others celibate love as
expression of personal sexuality? It did not seem contradictory to
Christ, who respected and blessed matrimony as a sacrament of His
own mission as an unmarried man. Far from condemning
sexuality, He knew man and woman were created thus by God as
“very good” and may “become as one flesh” in the permanently
faithful union of married love. Neither did He discourage those
who would sacrifice the genital expression of their sexuality out of
love for serving fellowman and God's Kingdom as priest, Religious
and dedicated laity.
But if we are honest with ourselves as were the Christians
who have lived before us, each of us will recognize that it is not easy
to integrate sexuality into our lies. We all want to be loved and
accepted. We want to draw close to other people, and many of us
will seek fulfillment in that special closeness which married life
should be. Helping our sexuality develop in a constructive way –
in a way which will help us gain and give the love and affection that
brings tremendous joy and peace of mind – demands that we
consciously live our lives, that we do not just “let things happen.”
The relationships with other people which can make our life full
and enjoyable do not just “happen.” We are members of a Church
whose people have been part of the successes and failures of almost
two thousand years of human living. We are continually being
brought out of slavery by the loving Spirit of God. One form of
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slavery is the ignorance of how to love – how to use our sexuality

for giving life, for truly loving, for deep and lasting relationships.
There may be no convincing way to say this to someone
who does not want to listen. We know, however, that the
experience of countless human beings and sound psychology
support the wisdom of the Church teaching regarding both the
goodness of sexuality and the unfortunate ambiguity related to its
genital expression. Although each of us is called to live our
sexuality in the sense of the human qualities and relationships seen
above, its genital expression (physical sexual contact, arousal,
orgasm) needs a special context before it can serve human love and
life generously and without deception.

Pre-Marital Relations

Human beings can use mineral for health and strength or

turn them into bombs to kill and destroy. The pleasant smile can
find its true meaning as a sign of friendship or be used to deceive.
Sexuality can find its genital expression serving mutual love and
new life in the total commitment of marriage, or it can easily
become self-serving and stripped of its true meaning. What is
meant to be the expression of deep love of a man and woman joined
forever through marriage in the service of life can be trivialized as
merely a way of enjoying this person I am with. In pre-marital
intercourse the full genital expression of sexual love is robbed of its
proper context of exclusive commitment, the genuine and
permanent gift of oneself to one's beloved, and the possibility of the
couple's love showing itself in a stable enough environment to
develop new life.
In truthful human communication, we must accept the
meaning which is present in certain actions. A warm smile and a
tender embrace are universal signs of friendship; to communicate
in a human way is to be true to the meaning of a sign when I use it in
my life. As much as they might like to do so, no couple can rewrite
the meaning of sexual intercourse. It is tied to committed love; it is
tied to life-giving. When a person engages in sexual intercourse it
is a sign of giving one's very self, whether one intends to or not. To
let my actions be a sign of self-gift if my heart knows the truth to be
different is to lie.
We must pledge ourselves to be true to what is really
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happening. Is our love so real that it is truly permanent, exclusively

centered on this one person with whom I wish to link my life
forever, the kind of love which could some day bring forth children
as its sign? Then we are ready not for “second best” but for the joy
of marriage in Christ – not in any sense “a piece of paper from the
Church,” but a chance to stand at the altar before God and
Fellowman and say “We love one another and want our love to last
forever. We ask you to respect this, to rejoice with us, to help us
keep it so.” This is Marriage in the Church.
How inadequate it would be to propose Christian marriage
merely as a solution to sexual problems or needs! Those who have
grown to a point where they can make the permanent, exclusive
pledge of themselves one to other in Christ are people who are alive
with hope, signs of the wonderful “Foolishness” of a love deep
enough to face together an unknown future. They remind us that
life is neither stagnant nor finished, and their total commitment to
one another in Christ is broad enough to share someday with their
own children. In the light of this beautiful reality, do not the
tentative and shallow aspects of “sleeping together” or “living
together” without the maturity of a marriage commitment become
painfully clear?
We know the pressures society and peers place on an
unmarried people. The young are made to feel “out of step” or
unpopular if they avoid genital sexuality. Loneliness and
searching for something or someone can lead the unmarried or
unloved of any age to seek an answer to their pressing need in some
passing intimacy. But this is a “solution” which is short-lived. The
genital expression of sexuality is too much “myself” to let it
become something common place or shallow, to reduce the
significance to “handshake,” to lose the meaning and mystery. I am
worth more than that.

Multiple Motivations

We recognize how sexual behavior is often intertwined

with many other needs, often unconscious ones. Sexual behavior
can be used to express nonsexual feelings and relationships such as
the need to prove one's identity or self-worth, to escape from
loneliness or to express strong aggressive feelings. To deny these
multiple levels of motivation in the human personality would
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

isolate the problems of sexuality from the whole reality of the

person. Certain inadequacies of sexual integration must be worked
on from within the person and need pastoral guidance, professional
counseling, and therapy. Let us not forget, however, that religious
commitment has a tremendous influence on the development of our
sexual perception and behavior. It is this meaning in one's life that
will enable a person to discipline himself and renounce certain
destructive types of activity. We must not, therefore, presume on
grace alone to heal what truly requires psychological counseling,
nor feel that habit or emotional problems totally excuse one from
long-proven means of asceticism and spiritual growth. Here the
generosity of our response to God's love can open us to beneficial
scientific and spiritual means to achieve greater personal
integration.

The Practice of Masturbation

The practice of masturbation is a prime example of the

complex nature of sexual behavior. It may begin in adolescence as
an immature expression of “self-discovery” or enter a person life at
any time for a number of reasons.
We wish to encourage people to go continually beyond
themselves in order to achieve greater sexual maturity and urge
them to find peace and strength in a full sacramental life with the
Christ who loves them.
“Modern psychology provides much valid and useful
information for formulating a more equitable judgment on moral
responsibility and for orienting pastoral action . . . . In the pastoral
ministry, in order to form an adequate judgment in concrete areas,
the habitual behavior of people will be considered in its totality.”

Homosexual Orientation

The complexus of anthropological, psychological and

theological reasoning in regard to human sexuality has contributed
to the Church's teaching that heterosexuality is normative. All
should strive for a sexual integration which respects that norm
since any other orientation respects less adequately the full
spectrum of human relationships.
Whatever the cause of the homosexual orientation, both to
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

those who share that orientation and to society in general there are
certain cautions we wish to put forward.
We urge homosexual men and women to avoid identifying
their personhood with their sexual orientation. They are so much
more as persons than this single aspect of their personality. That
richness must not be lost.
Being subject to misunderstanding and at times unjust
discrimination has resulted in an overreaction on the part of some
persons of homosexual orientation. It is not homosexuality which
should be one's claim to acceptance or human rights to being loved
by us all; it is the fact we are all brothers and sisters under the
Fatherhood of God. Our community must explore ways to secure
the legitimate rights of all our citizens, regardless of sexual
orientation, while being sensitive to the understanding and hopes of
all involved.
On a more personal level, we wish to express our concern
and compassion for those men and women who experience pain
and confusion due to a true homosexual and pastoral mean
available they will recognize Christ's and the Church's love for
them and our hope that they will come to live in His peace.

ACall To Healing

A most important way to aid the human person achieve

sexual integration and live the virtue of chastity is to provide from
life's earliest years a loving and secure climate. We urge parents
and teachers to examine their own attitudes toward sexuality and to
set the pace for young people in developing as loving and mature
men or women.
We restate the Declaration's plea that responsible sex
education be provided for all our people including children who
should receive “information suited to their age.” Knowing the
beauty of sexuality and the wisdom of chastity facilitates the young
person's moral growth, as encouraged by the Second Vatican
Council :
This Holy synod likewise affirms that children and young
people have a right to be encouraged to weigh moral values with an
upright conscience and to embrace them by personal choice and to
know and love God more adequately. Hence, it earnestly entreats
all who exercise government over peoples or preside over the work
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

of education to see that youth is never deprived of this sacred right.

We call on all men and women of good will to help create a
more wholesome climate in society. There are still so many
imprisoned wither psychically or physically in the destructive
activity of prostitution. The social problems of pornography must
be challenged by community concern. Advertising and media too
often miss vital important opportunities to free the human spirit and
instead contribute to a sex-saturated atmosphere that confuses
rather than heals.
To those engaged in the ministry of healing – religious
people, doctors, psychiatrists, teachers and so many others we
encourage inter-disciplinary work to improve the quality of
pastoral care and to help Christians in the delicate task of forming
their own conscience. We hope that parish communities will
cooperate in studying sexuality and chastity so these important
gifts of God can enrich us in the way He intends.

Together

We are very conscious of the fact that all of us touch one

another with our lives. What gratitude we should all have for those
who have struggled with the difficulties of sexual integration and
chastity in heir lives and are now witnesses to us that it can indeed
be done – that fidelity, commitment, self-sacrifice and compassion
are realities in the lives of so many. We rejoice in you and thank
you.
Yet we recognize that maturity in these areas comes only
through what for many people will be a long and demanding
process growth. To our brothers and sisters of all ages who are
experiencing difficulties – to those who cannot yet see that the
personal and public commitment of marriage should be the context
for the gift of oneself in sexual relations; to those whose
homosexual orientation is causing them pain and confusion to the
widowed and to the adolescent encountering sexual needs: to those
separate from their spouse by circumstances or by divorce – to all of
you we pledge our willingness to help you bear your burdens, to try
to find new ways to communicate the truth of Christ because we
believe it will make you free. We respect you in your struggle.
ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

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Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

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ANG LINGKOD NG PANGINOON
Christian Sexuality Course for Single Men and Women 2009

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