MARRIAGE

FAIL POINT
MARRIAGE
FAIL POINT

By
LEE H. BAUCOM, PH.D.
LeeBaucom.com
Copyright © 2019 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Publishing Services by Happy Self Publishing

www.happyselfpublishing.com

All rights reserved. No reproduction, transmission or copy

of this publication can be made without the written
consent of the author in accordance with the provision of
the Copyright Acts. Any person doing so will be liable to
civil claims and criminal prosecution.

iv
 TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction................................................................. 1

About the Book ............................................................ 7

Legal Notes ................................................................ 11

Chapter 1. A Short Guide To Why Marriages

Get In Trouble ........................................................... 13

Chapter 2. ―I Just Don't Feel It!‖ .............................. 31

Chapter 3. The Trajectory of Connection ................ 43

Chapter 4. The Pause-Button Marriage .................... 51

Chapter 5. What Every Couple Should Know .......... 59

Chapter 6. Infidelity And Other Symptoms............. 65

Chapter 7. Q&A .......................................................... 77

Chapter 8. What Now? ............................................. 95

About The Author .................................................... 101

Other Resources By Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. ............103

Can I Ask A Favor? .................................................. 107

v
 INTRODUCTION

I 'm betting you are not reading this book for fun.
Unless you are just very curious, you are here for
an important reason: your marriage.

Maybe you have realized that something is wrong in

your marriage, but you are not clear what. Or
perhaps your spouse has made it painfully clear that
something is very wrong with your marriage and you
fear the worst. Either way, my guess is that you are
not here for a fun read.

My task is pretty straightforward. It is to help you

begin to move through the current mess to
something better — a marriage you both will
treasure. And in this book, my particular task is to
help you understand what happened, to explain why
your marriage got into trouble — and to point you
toward help. Secondarily, I want to help you begin to
move forward to a better marriage.

What happened is far less important than what you

do now. While it is important to understand what
happened and why it happened, the critical thing is
getting to a better relationship.

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Before we even begin, let me commend you. Every

marriage has problems (I will remind you about that
again in a later chapter). Not every couple resolves
the problems. About half give up and divorce.
Remember that not every person involved in a
hurting marriage decides to try and figure this out.
Many simply fold and walk away.

But you are here. You are trying.

And I am here to help you with that process.

We know why you are here. So just briefly, I want to

tell you why I am here. I have been helping save
marriages for three decades now. Over the last couple
of decades, I have had the opportunity to help
couples around the world. I've coached and taught
many couples to get to a healthy spot, often from the
verge of divorce. I have also had the pleasure of
teaching many relationship coaches my principles,
allowing them to help even more couples.

But the beginning of my work is in my childhood. I

was fortunate to have had happily married parents. I
never had a doubt about the stability of my family as
I grew up. I knew my parents would stay married. It
was just an assumption.

While that was true for me, I watched my cousins

who did not have that advantage. I watched the
devastation divorces caused as they ripped through
my extended family. I realized, even then, that

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divorce had an emotional impact on children. But I

also saw the emotional devastation to the adults. It
was painful to watch, even with my limited
understanding as a child.

In college, I first learned to understand the family as

a system, a pattern of interactions linking all
members of that family together. And it was in that
moment that I understood why the divorces had been
so devastating. It ripped the fabric of family
relationships into tatters, pulling at every single
person involved.

As I worked toward my graduate degrees, and finally,

a Ph.D., I studied how to best help families and
couples in trouble. And with my newly minted
degrees, I began to work with couples, just as I had
been taught... and I noticed a disconcerting lack of
success.

Was it me? Was I just a bad therapist?

Or was it something else?

I began to do some extra research... outside of the

areas of my grad school learning. And I unearthed
some shocking statistics on just how poorly therapy
was helping couples.

According to meta-studies of the research, about half

of couples who go to therapy end up divorced — just
about the same as for the general population. Only 10

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to 15 percent of couples reported any help or

improvement from the therapy. About 5 out of every
10 couples who go to therapy still divorce. And only 1
in 10 said they improved.

Shocking, right? Given that therapy is the first line of

defense to help troubled marriages, I was horrified
and outraged! We were failing marriages... while
marriages were failing!

I began trying some different strategies. I tested and

explored. I got extra training, including extensive
training as a life coach. I refined and taught my
approach. And I created an online program, the Save
The Marriage System, so couples anywhere could get
help at any time.

Since that time, I have continued to work with

couples on every continent (except, to date,
Antarctica) to turn their broken marriages around.

But more than that, I have also helped individuals

work on their relationships, even when their spouse
showed no interest in trying... or even was resolved
to divorce.

You see, humans tend to be very binary in crisis

thinking. Either this or that. No other options.
―Either we stay married, or we get divorced.‖ A or B.
We can't see that there is a ―third option‖ of working
on the marriage and healing it.

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 MARRIAGE FAIL POINT

But guess what? Many times, there IS a Third

Option. There is a way to get to the marriage you
both would treasure (and protect). You might not be
able to see it from here.

Take my word for it. I've seen it happen, in case after

case, for decades.

And it can happen for you, too.

But first, we need to clarify what happened and why

it happened. That is the purpose of this book. It is a
quick but crucial read.

5
 ABOUT THIS BOOK

M y purpose in writing this book is simply to help

you understand what happened in your
marriage. We will discuss the difference between the
symptoms of your problems (which many people
confuse as the cause of their problems) and the true
cause(s) of your marital crisis. Confusing the two
keeps you chasing after the wrong thing, ―solving‖
one symptom, only for another to appear. ―Whack-A-
Mole‖ is not an efficient or helpful way to solve a
crisis.

We will discuss the importance of connection, the

role it plays, and the effects of disconnection, so you
understand the heart of the crisis. And then, it will
become crystal clear how your marriage got into
trouble. Most of the time (like, almost every single
time), it is a matter of neglect, not maliciousness.
(Understand that the actions of a spouse can feel
malicious. But those actions are more often out of
hurt and pain. See the note below, though.)

And we will spend some time answering questions

people commonly have at this stage. My task is to
speak directly to you, to make sure you are clear on

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what happened (and why) and point you toward

resolution/healing of your marriage.

Which will be my last area — how to get help for your

marriage. While the scope of this book is the question
of why your marriage got into trouble, you also want
to know the next steps. The problem is that many
people try to jump to the steps, without figuring out
why they are where they are. If I am lost, out in the
middle of nowhere, and I call for help, there is a
fundamental question — ―Where ARE you?‖ If you
don't know where you are, it is very difficult to plot a
course to where you want to be.

So, we start with discovering why your marriage got

into trouble.

SPECIAL NOTE: As I said just a few paragraphs

back, neglect is often the cause of problems. I noted
that people are not malicious as much as responding
from hurt. Their hurt can feel hurtful because it
comes out in anger.

That said, this is no reason or excuse for abusive

behavior. If your spouse is physically threatening or
hurting you, this is not the time to try to ―figure it
out.‖ This is the time for you to find safety. Abuse
often escalates. It is also founded on control and
domination.

This makes it impossible to work toward a mutual

relationship. An abusive person is trying to control,

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not to partner. Your safety is far more important than

the relationship.

If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, please

stop reading RIGHT NOW and get help for yourself
and any children. You need to be safe. And you do
not deserve to be hurt (the same is true for your
children).

If you have been or are being hurt, please contact the

domestic violence hotline and get help: 1-800-799-
7233 (TTY 1-800-787-3224) or contact your local
domestic violence shelter.

If you are continuing to read, it is my assumption

that your marriage is not an abusive one... simply a
hurting one. So, let's get busy with understanding
why this happened so that you can get to a better
place in your relationship.

9
 LEGAL NOTES

T he purpose of this book is to educate and clarify

why relationships have issues. The specific focus
is the marital relationship.

Any information included should not be construed as

a substitute for professional help. If your marriage is
in trouble and in need of help, you should pursue any
help necessary.

The author is not providing legal or medical advice

on any particular situation, nor should it be
construed as such.

The reader is responsible for deciding how the

information applies to his or her particular situation.

By deciding to read the material, the reader is

assuming responsibility and risk for his or her own
situation.

11
 A SHORT GUIDE TO WHY
MARRIAGES GET IN TROUBLE

Sarah was in tears, choking back the tears. She told

me her husband had just revealed how unhappy he
was. He told her that a divorce was the only
resolution he could see. He told her he just couldn't
do it anymore.

It happens just about every day. I speak to someone,

get an email or message from someone. And just like
Sarah, it starts with ―I had no idea,‖ and continues on
with the shock of discovering their spouse was either
unhappy and struggling or unhappy and ready to
leave. They conclude with ―I didn't see it coming!
What can I do?‖

Sarah told me that she knew their relationship was

not good. She just thought it was a ―phase,‖ and that
it would get better. That is often true for people. But
sometimes, people aren't even clear that the marriage

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is hurting, and that their spouse isn't happy. They are

surprised when their spouse reveals both the
unhappiness and the desire to end the relationship.

As we talked, Sarah had questions: What happened?

What caused the marriage crisis? Why did it get so
bad? And does it have to end the relationship? More
importantly, is there another way through the crisis
than divorce?

Years ago, during my training days, it was that first

client who told me that he had no idea that his
marriage was even in trouble. He was genuinely
shocked and dismayed that his wife was A) unhappy,
B) wanting a divorce, and C) already dating someone
else.

I was shocked that he was shocked! How had he not

known, I wondered?

Over and over, I heard the same story in my office

time and again. Person after person was surprised by
how deeply their marriage was hurting, and how an
unhappy spouse was quickly becoming a bitter
spouse.

In those early days, I just assumed that in such an

intimate relationship as marriage, if the connection
was on the decline, both people would feel and know
it. Both people, I had assumed, would be unhappy
and aware of the other spouse's unhappiness.

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 MARRIAGE FAIL POINT

I was wrong.

And now, all these years later, I am clear on why a

spouse misses the looming crisis (or at least isn't
paying attention), and why the crisis started in the
first place.

It is pretty much ―baked into‖ the culture of marriage

we have created. And It happens far too frequently,
given the fact that family is the fabric of society. The
way families go is the way society goes.

Fractured families lead to fractured society. Which is

why saving marriages is so important. And given the
pain involved, it is why saving your marriage is so
important.

Let's first take a quick look at how this all starts, and
then we will see where it often gets into trouble (and
why).

―We're Engaged!‖ (…And So It Begins)

In another chapter, I discuss the process of

connection (and disconnection), since that is the
heart of any marital relationship (really, the lifeblood
of the relationship). But first, let's just peek behind
what happens for most couples.

At first, there are just two people, doing their thing,

living life. Then… they meet, the two of them, and
there is just something there. Something special.

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Special enough that both people push the

relationship along, becoming more and more serious
over time. They proclaim their love for each other as
they express their love for each other. Each works to
make the other feel the love. And their relationship
grows.

And one day, they decide to get married. Given social

media, these moments have become quite the event.
But in reality, it is two people deciding and agreeing
to join their lives together — they just don't really
know what that means yet (and many never quite
figure it out).

Fast forward to the wedding. It may take place in a

church, at the courthouse, in a garden, on a beach, or
at some other destination. But the soul of that service
is still the same: two people pledging to love each
other and keep all others outside of their
relationship, for life. They legally join together as an
entity, as a couple, and they go on their way.

I remember that moment so clearly in my own life. I

walked into that church, single. Perhaps 40 minutes
later, we emerged from that church, married — a
couple! I was the same person, but something had
changed. It took years for me to figure out the shift
that was underway.

In our culture, I don't think we are prepared for

marriage. Many couples get married with little to no
preparation for the marital relationship (although the

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wedding, itself, gets lots of attention). In our case, my

spouse and I did attend some pre-marital counseling
sessions. Other couples may have to attend pre-
marital counseling, a workshop, or a weekend
retreat. But that is usually the extent of the training
most of us get. And then, we are married. After that,
all the training is ―on the job.‖

The problem is, most couples believe they have

already beaten divorce! They think that they are not
going to have problems, that their love will see them
through, and that others don't have what they have.

How do I know? Because that was my own

experience... and because I spent the better part of 20
years providing pre-marital counseling for a number
of churches in my area. If someone was going to get
married at any of six local churches, they had to come
through my office.

Earnest and hopeful, they all believed that they were

the exceptions. Sure, they knew there might be some
problems, but nothing that their love wouldn't get
them through.

Think about that for a moment. Given divorce

statistics, they were stepping into a situation that,
statistically speaking, had the odds of a coin toss.
Nearly half of marriages end in divorce. And yet,
couples bravely (and/or naively) get married,
believing that those statistics do not apply to them.

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When I was learning to drive a car, I spent an entire

school semester in driving class. I had to log hours of
supervised driving. And I had to prove to the state
that I knew enough about driving to deserve a
driver’s license.

Interestingly, given the importance of marriage, in

most situations, a marriage license costs just a few
dollars and only requires a few signatures. And
instantly, you are tied together, legally speaking and
without further legal intervention, for life.

Most couples enter into marriage with very little

preparation or knowledge.

How about you?

Let's say that your parents didn't have a great

marriage. Perhaps you even knew they weren't
happy. So that wasn't a great model for you. Or
maybe they divorced (which, statistically speaking,
would be true about half of the time), so that was the
model you had.

Or maybe you were fortunate and came from a happy

family, your parents happily married. The secrets of a
happy couple reside behind closed doors and in their
own minds. You don't get to see it. You may be able
to see how they treat each other in public. But so
much of a successful marriage is invisible from the
outside.

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 MARRIAGE FAIL POINT

You miss their moments of connection, and their

methods of dealing with disconnection. So, in
essence, you don't even get great models there. You
only see the evidence of a marriage being happy. You
can only speculate on how they got there.

So it is, two people walk into their wedding

ceremony, loving each other and pledging to do that
for life. And they walk out a couple. People pat them
on the back, hug and congratulate them, and send
them out to face the world together.

Sound familiar?

It should. It's the story of the start of marriage for

most people. They are running more on love, an
earnest desire for it to work, and commitment, than
on knowledge and know-how.

Is love important? Absolutely.

Is commitment important? More than anything.

Do people know what they mean? And how to do

those things? Nope. Not at all.

And that is the tragedy. Marriages end because

people don't understand what they are doing in the
beginning. And from there, they either stumble into
an approach that works, or they fall apart. (Many stay
together. But some only stay in the legal shell of
marriage.)

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Crucial Shift: You/Me to WE

Before a relationship starts, there are just two people,

unconnected. Then, they meet. And at some point,
either instantly or after a bit, those two people realize
that there is something different here... an attraction,
a connection.

At that moment, there is a ―You‖ and a ―Me‖ — ―You

seem interesting to me, and I would like to know
more about you.‖ And they begin spending more time
with each other, doing what they can to increase the
connection.

―You and Me‖ begins to be an understanding... a

relationship. They start having feelings for each other
and take actions to demonstrate that feeling. And
those actions also serve to intensify the feelings.

Actions lead to feelings that lead to actions that lead

to feelings that lead to actions that lead to feelings.

At some point, the connection is so strong that they

call it ―love.‖ This confusing mass of emotions and
desires is so powerful that they just can't not be
together. And ―You and Me‖ decide to make it
permanent; they decide to pledge their lives together,
to join together, in a committed relationship, for the
rest of their lives.

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Often, in our culture, they decide to marry and begin

a life together, just the two of them. But they still
imagine ―You and Me‖ doing it together.

Perhaps they thought marriage was ―just the next

thing to do,‖ having dated for some internally
important time or because of some external event or
deadline. Or maybe they just want to make sure they
won't lose that person. Or perhaps they are so ―in
love‖ that they want to sustain that feeling forever (or
at least for life).

There are lots of justifications and reasons people use

to explain what they chose to do (many people
negatively recall the decision and the reasons behind
it when their marriage is in crisis). But in the end,
they make a pledge/promise/commitment to be
together, as a unit, for the rest of their lives,
promising to keep any threat to that relationship
away.

More than that, they promise that this is a ―no matter

what‖ promise, including times when they are
healthy or sick, when they are prosperous or poor,
when things are going well or even when things
aren't going well at all. They pledge to persevere and
get through it together.

And yet, nearly half of all marriages in the United

States do not fulfill that pledge.

Why?

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 MARRIAGE FAIL POINT

In large part, because they do not make a shift... a

crucial shift. They do not ever shift from ―You and
Me‖ to WE.

Why not?

Because most people do not realize that this is

necessary — even critical — in a marriage. Major
religions have described it as ―two becoming one
flesh.‖ But many (probably most) people do not
consider what that means (or how to do it). And so,
they never make the shift.

Which leads to a destructive path — ―You and Me‖

becomes ―You vs. Me.‖ If they don't begin the shift to
WE, they begin a struggle. A power struggle, in part.
An identity struggle, for sure.

The destruction of a marriage is rooted in that

struggle. And it is activated because two people do
not understand the necessary shift.

One major cause of your marriage crisis? You did not

become a WE.

The WE

When couples become a WE, it does not mean that

they will never have a conflict again and that things
are smooth sailing. In fact, notice that our wedding
vows both commit to becoming a WE and

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 MARRIAGE FAIL POINT

persevering through any type of days life throws our

way — better days and worse days.

It's just that a couple who becomes a WE perseveres

through those tough times by standing together as a
team, a unit. They see that they are now indivisible,
forever joined. They have each other's back, they are
a team... but even more deeply, they are a unit.

That is exactly how the government views marriage.

It is a new entity, to be seen as a unit, not as
individuals. Assets are joint, owned by the WE.
Children ―belong‖ to both. Taxes can be filed for this
unit — as a unit. That marriage license was a legal
contract for creating this new WE.

But where else does this happen in life? Nowhere. So

no wonder we don't know that is what we are doing!
We have no training. For most of our lives, we are
raised as individuals. Part of a family, sure. But
responsible for ourselves. We spend our childhood,
adolescence, and often, a part of adulthood, looking
out for ―Me.‖

Then, with that simple ceremony, we join into a WE.

But only if we know that is what WE are doing.

And most people don't.

This is the ―hidden‖ part of marriage — and the

critical part. Maybe your parents had a great

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marriage because they forged a WE. But since lots of

being a WE are in the perceptions and mindset of the
individuals, you didn't see it. You might miss the
actions that show that WE. So, you didn't know what
was happening.

Or maybe your parents didn't know that was the goal,

either. They were stumbling through marriage (or
divorce) without knowing this was the key.

Either way, unless you figured it out, you likely

missed the critical shift in becoming a WE.

So first, let me clarify this: becoming a WE does not

lessen the individuals involved. It is not about being
a ―superglue‖ relationship, so tightly bound that you
have to lose your own individuality to join in.

In fact, becoming a great WE requires two

individuals showing up with their best selves. They
bring their gifts and abilities to the WE. They just
choose to join together with another person to face
the world... knowing you are in it together, bringing
your resources to each other in order to get there.

For an incredibly rough analogy, consider an athletic

team. The team members are working toward a
common goal — winning. And the way to win? By
playing at your best. You practice and condition, so
you are ready for the game. Then, you bring your best
self and your best abilities to the game... as do your
teammates.

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Sure, it is possible for someone to let their ego get in

the way, to ―hog the ball‖ and keep others from
playing their best game. But that is because they
don't yet realize the power of a team, versus the
limits of an individual. The team is a group of
individuals, joining together for a common goal. And
part of that goal is helping all the other players
perform at their best, while also playing at their best.
But those connections go beyond just a common
goal. It is a sense of purpose and connection — WE
win together!

Since we are using analogies, let me give another very

rough analogy. In the legal and business world, there
is the legal entity of the ―corporation.‖ Even that
word tells you something. It is from the Latin
corporare, which means ―combine in one body.‖

Let's say that you have an idea for a new business.

But you want to build it into something bigger than
just you. So, you decide to ―incorporate.‖ You fill out
legal forms, file them with the state, and you have
created an imaginary entity — the ―corporation.‖
There is, at that moment, nothing to it. It exists on
paper and in a legal sense. But it is mostly in the
mind and mindset. (Much like that marriage license
and the wedding that officially forms the union.)

But over time, you treat the corporation like it is real.

You may have a headquarters — a home. Accounting
procedures are done for the ―corporation.‖ You talk

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about ―the company,‖ and it begins to become more

and more real. Until it becomes a unit, a real entity.

The same is true of the marriage. The more you see

the entity of WE, the more you treat it as real, the
more you make decisions based on WE, the more it
becomes real.

Why No WE?

If WE is a basic requirement for a prospering and

loving marriage, why doesn't it happen? Why don't
more marriages get there?

There are many reasons. We have already pointed to

one: a lack of awareness. People simply do not know
that they are supposed to do that. They do not know
they are moving toward a new relationship and a new
entity. So, they resist the process, fearing they will
lose themselves.

And part of that resistance is also due to our ego. We

don't want to lose control of our lives, and we don't
want to need someone else. We should ―stand on our
own two feet!‖

Those messages about ―doing your own thing,‖

―taking care of yourself,‖ and similar messages of
individuality are in the fabric of our culture. And
those cultural messages can keep us stuck in the
individualistic model. More than that, those cultural

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messages revolve around the ―cult of the ego,‖ that

the rugged individual is the way to be.

And so, in many marriages, two people keep saying,

―you do your thing, and I will do mine.‖ Keeping
them stuck in ―You and Me,‖ and eventually, in ―You
versus Me.‖

The fuel behind this stubborn hold on ME is the

other piece of the puzzle. It is fear. It fuels the
process. Interestingly, there are actually two fears
that really get in the way.

The ―fear of intimacy‖ is directly tied to that place of

being a ME. The fear of intimacy is really the fear of
losing yourself (your distinctiveness, your self-
determination, your sense of self) to the relationship.
The fear of intimacy is the fear of really letting
someone in, letting them really know you, and giving
them some say-so in your life.

So, in an attempt to preserve the self and fight the

fear, people push and rebel against the natural pull
toward WE that comes in the marriage.

But since we have that deep need for connection —

particularly with one person — we suffer another,
almost opposite, fear. That is the ―fear of
abandonment.‖ We fear losing the relationship (and
the person) that we feel we need to be okay and
secure. So, we grab at that person, holding them
tight, while not being at our best self.

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These two fears, both unconscious, tend to push

against each other. And here is the thing: we all have
both fears within us. We all can operate from either
fear. More than that, each fear can trigger the other.

If I fear intimacy, I might pull away, triggering my

spouse's fear of abandonment, leading to my spouse
trying to pull me closer. Which serves to heighten my
fear of intimacy, leading me to pull further away,
leading my spouse to have deeper fears of
abandonment, trying to pull me even closer.

If I fear abandonment, I try to pull my spouse closer,

triggering a fear of intimacy, leading my spouse to
pull away, deepening my fear of abandonment,
causing me to try even harder to pull my spouse
closer, deepening my spouse's fear of intimacy,
leading to further distancing.

One fear triggers the other. And both spouses have

both fears. It is baked into us.

While both people have both fears, many people have

a more dominant fear. One of the two is more easily
triggered, often due to other experiences in life... all
the way back to childhood. That fear is more easily
triggered. But if a spouse reverses course and moves
to the other fear, it will often trigger the opposite fear
in a spouse.

In the process, the couple gets into a tug-of-war... all

based on fears that are neither useful nor actual. We

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can be close to someone without losing ourselves.

And we can be okay, in spite of losing a relationship.
It just doesn't feel that way when a fear is triggered.

Knowing what fear is being triggered can help you to

decide how to respond (versus reacting). Fear does
not have to choose our actions. It can be background
noise, and we can still choose our actions. Which,
ironically, calms the fears. Often, for both people.

Quick Summary

Marriages are designed to be a relationship of WE, of

being a team, connected and looking out for what is
best for the relationship. It is not a loss of identity,
but an opportunity to bring the best self to the best
union.

But since we don't know that is the goal, and lack the
experience in getting there, we often miss the goal.
And when we miss the goal, we shift to You vs. Me,
struggling over identity and control.

In the process, we trigger fears that further erode the

connection, leading us to relate fearfully. Which
places both people on the defensive, making the
connection more tenuous and disconnected.

Unless one or both people recognize this pattern, the

relating becomes so painful that one or both decide

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 MARRIAGE FAIL POINT

to dissolve the relationship — in the hopes of

stopping the pain.

Ironically, breaking the unconscious bond of WE, no

matter how tenuous that bond, is incredibly painful.
The pain of the relationship becomes an incredibly
painful dissolution of the relationship. What seemed
like a solution only leads to further pain.

Unless the couple finds a way through, and back to

WE.

The danger, though, is that we rely on our emotional

state to chart a course. Let's talk about ―just not
feeling it‖ in the next chapter.

30
 “I JUST DON'T FEEL IT!”

―I love you, but I'm not 'in love' with you‖ is the
start of many a relationship talk... and marks
the spiraling of a marriage that has been in free-fall
for a while.

It may be proclaiming, ―I just don't feel the way I

should.‖ Or ―I'm just not happy.‖ Different
expressions for the same reality — something is NOT
right in the marriage that words don't adequately
express. Primarily, because the one saying them
cannot quite make sense of them, either.

And yet, the spiral accelerates downward.

Is there a way to recover from this? Yes. But only

when you more fully understand what happened and
why.

We have already discussed one issue: WE was never

created. It is not so much about ―achieved‖ as

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 MARRIAGE FAIL POINT

―created‖ or ―formed,‖ since WE is a natural shift...

when we quit fighting and avoiding it.

Along the way, though, something else shifts. Call it

passion, call it ―chemistry,‖ call it attraction. That
pull toward someone that is magnetic and electric...
at least at the beginning of a relationship.

And then, something happened.

We might remember that time at the beginning. You

wanted to be together all the time. Maybe you just
couldn't keep your hands off each other. Butterflies
were more like bats in your stomach when you
anticipated seeing your beloved. The attraction was
so strong. And you thought it would never go away.

Until it did.

Connection fuels that attraction in the beginning. But

this is also a biochemical reality. And that reality is
unsustainable. (Which is probably for the best, given
the obsessive nature of that level of attraction. Life,
as exciting as it feels, is mostly suspended during this
time. Available energy is focused on the love and the
person.)

This stage of the relationship is about infatuation —

the overwhelming attraction and connection to the
other person that leaves both people in a state of
arousal and desire.

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 MARRIAGE FAIL POINT

It is powerful. It is frightening. It is fun. It is exciting.

And it is unsustainable. The body and brain simply
cannot keep up with the biochemical state.
Eventually, the brain gets used to that state... and
begins to return to the baseline.

Did anything happen in the relationship to cause

this? No. It is a biological shift. But it can leave one
or both people confused. Or cause one or both people
to shift away, even walk away.

Author and marriage expert, Gary Chapman calls

those feelings of infatuation ―the tingles.‖ According
to Chapman, research shows that this stage is not
sustainable in a relationship beyond about 18
months. But during that period, you are so ―in love,‖
that you tend to show your love in every conceivable
way. To use his idea, you speak every language of love
you can! (You can listen to my interview with
Gary Chapman here: https://savethemarriage.com/
lovelanguage )

Biochemically, the author and therapist Bob Grant,

points out, you are shifting from an ―adrenaline
attraction‖ to an ―endorphin attraction.‖ The shift is
not indicative of the failure of the relationship. It is
really a natural and necessary shift to a new level.
And actually, a higher level.

In the early days of a relationship, excitement rules.

Adrenaline fuels it. There may be some excitement
over the newness of things — discovering each other

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 MARRIAGE FAIL POINT

and learning about each other. There is also some

fear that fuels the excitement: ―What if he/she does
not feel the same?‖ ―What if she/he finds someone
else?‖ ―What if I mess this up?‖ ―What can I do to
hold onto this person?‖

Two elements swirl together, attraction and

excitement. And the outcome is that adrenaline
attraction. The hopes and fears, the physical
connection, causes the body/brain to stay in
overdrive... desperate to be together and stay
together.

Then, you add in the commitment. You make

promises to stay together and work through things
that come up. You solidify the relationship... and
remove some of the fears. And at the same time, your
body and brain are beginning to stop reacting to the
same adrenaline shots. The body begins to return to
normal, and the brain is no longer hijacked from the
chemical cocktail.

Life returns to normal. And the relationship has the

potential of growing to a new level.

Unless you confuse this shift with a loss of love.

You see, we tend to confuse infatuation with love.

―I've never felt this way‖ is the proof. What we miss is
that the infatuation is part of the bonding process...
but not indicative of love. It is indicative of a
physiological response to the new connection.

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 MARRIAGE FAIL POINT

And the connection remains when the physical state

returns to normal... unless one or both members of
the relationship are fooled into believing the
infatuation WAS the love.

Reality television and affairs both demonstrate that

the feelings of infatuation can come between people,
given the right triggering circumstances, and not
really be love but chemical. (Don't believe me? Take a
look at how many Bachelor/Bachelorette
relationships actually sustain past the show. The
same is true of affairs. Most affairs also fizzle. In spite
of — in both cases — a person proclaiming, ―I found
the love of my life.‖)

But love sustains through the infatuation and into the

shift — adrenaline to endorphin.

In your body, adrenaline and endorphins can both

make you feel good. Adrenaline is triggered by what
is happening TO you. Endorphins are triggered by
what you are DOING. Adrenaline has elements of
fear. Endorphins are more about safety.

Now you see how that shift fits into the relationship.
And why it can be a better place. When there is
adrenaline, there is uncertainty and risk. You might
just lose that person!

When there are endorphins, there is certainty and

commitment. You are loving the person who is loving
you. Both have committed to being there.

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 MARRIAGE FAIL POINT

Which is why some people, when things get too

stable, stir things up. They are trying to get the fix of
adrenaline.

Grabbing At Infatuation

It's easy to get rather addicted to the adrenaline

present in the infatuation stage. Some people want
that excitement and arousal. So, whenever things
start to calm down — when things begin to solidify,
and commitments are made — they pull back and stir
uncertainty back into the relationship. That shift can
feel exciting to the individual. But it is stressful to the
relationship. Over time, the drama stresses and
breaks the relationship.

Such people are chasing the kick of adrenaline. It is a

rather addictive substance that our own body creates.
Many ―adrenaline junkies‖ fulfill that need with
exciting sports activities, scary movies, or
amusement park rides. But others find it in
relationship excitement. One of their reasons for a
relationship is to get their fix of adrenaline.

When a motivator for connecting is adrenaline,

whenever the adrenaline drops (the relationship is no
longer as exciting), they either leave or create drama
in the relationship. This, though, is not common —
except for the common misunderstanding that
relationships should be exciting... or something is
wrong.

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 MARRIAGE FAIL POINT

Why do people mistake the adrenaline-spiked

infatuation with love? Because it is the picture we are
fed by television, books, and movies. We are sold that
the romantic excitement of infatuation is the
hallmark of love. It's not just a stage of a relationship,
but the real thing!

Then, when it wanes, they panic and doubt the

relationship. Some simply flee in fear they will ―never
feel it again‖ with that same person. And so, from
that person’s perspective, the shift in the relationship
is not growth but failure.

When we rely on the adrenaline to ―feel love,‖ there is

often nothing left for love when the adrenaline finally
abates (and it does). The connection has been too
stressed by the chasing after adrenaline. The
relationship can become exhausted and stressed.

But perhaps equally important, sometimes, people

fail to move toward love when the infatuation cools.

Shifting To Endorphins

Some sense the shift, accept that things have

changed... but don't know what to do now. Love feels
different. But they don't have the skills to keep it
nurtured.

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 MARRIAGE FAIL POINT

The infatuation stage can feel like that rollercoaster

ride. Slow anxiety-provoking climbs, exciting drops,
and bucking turns. Exciting? Yes.

Exhausting? Yes.

And mostly automatic.

It ―just happens.‖ No need to force it. You just feel it,

and go with it. Which is why people often say things
like, ―There is no explaining it. We just fell in love. It
was so natural and easy. No work. We just clicked.‖

You almost can't help it.

And you can't help the shift from adrenaline to

endorphins. It, too, is a natural process.

But sustaining the love — that is a different matter.

At this point, love is not the romantic feeling, the

ache for being with the beloved. It is based on love,
the verb. It is about acting in love. Taking action to be
loving. Which does not diminish the love. It simply
means that now, love is conscious, a choice, and a
commitment.

It is also sustainable... unless you don't sustain it.

When people ask the secret of sustainable love, it is

two people committed to being a WE, acting lovingly
toward each other. They stay connected and loving.

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 MARRIAGE FAIL POINT

And by leading with loving action, they continue to

feel the love. Acting on love leads to feeling in love.

Until the actions stop.

Is the feeling of ―in love‖ gone? No. It is fueled,

though, by the connection now. It is fueled by ―doing‖
love, not just feeling it. The actions of being loving
lead to connection. And the connection leads to
feeling in love. The intensity is different but no less
real. In fact, more real. It is no longer based on a run-
away (but unsustainable) process, but a sustainable
and nurtured love — one that can last a lifetime.

When The Shift Failed

Many marriages fail because a couple fails to

navigate the shift from adrenaline to endorphins,
from infatuation to love. The ingredients were there,
but they didn't shift. Many times, this is simply the
fact that the couple did not recognize the shift was
natural and necessary.

Just to be clear, the shift may happen long before

marriage. They managed to start the shift, but they
didn't maintain it. They started to become concerned
that ―something is wrong.‖ They know they ―love‖
this other person, but they ―don't feel it.‖

The adrenaline waned, so the heat cooled a bit. And

with the cool, the couple assumes that something is

39
 MARRIAGE FAIL POINT

drastically wrong. And so, they pull away from each

other. Which leaves more distance and less fuel. It
should then not be much of a surprise when even
more ―coolness‖ comes to the relationship. Less
conscious connection leads to more doubt and less
motivation. Which leads to more disconnection. And
the cycle continues.

Unless...

Unless or until one person decides to act. Because

disconnection tends to be automatic. But it is not
unavoidable. There is the conscious choice to act on
love. To move toward a spouse, act lovingly, and
rebuild the connection.

This is an important point: ―acting lovingly‖ is not

about faking it. It is about taking loving — conscious
— actions toward a spouse. It isn't about being
caught up in ―I'm just not feeling it‖ beliefs; it is
knowing and understanding that love is in action.
And acting lovingly leads to loving feelings. The
reverse is not true. There is a need to fuel infatuation.
It is self-combustible. But love is fueled by acting
lovingly.

Two people standing as a WE, acting lovingly toward

each other, is an unstoppable force. They stand
together, fueling their love by their actions, giving no
room for disconnection or doubt. They know where

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 MARRIAGE FAIL POINT

they stand, and they reinforce their stance by acting

with love and respect.

It's a simple formula (which does not mean it is easy

to implement) that will carry a couple through a
lifetime, married and happy.

(You can listen to my interview with Bob Grant about

Adrenaline/Endorphin Attraction here:
https://savethemarriage.com/bobgrant )

41
 THE TRAJECTORY OF
CONNECTION

“All happy families resemble one another; each

unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”
Leo Tolstoy

A t least in terms of marriage, I am going to have

to disagree with Tolstoy. Unhappy marriages
arrive at unhappiness in nearly identical (and
predictable) ways. The details may vary just a bit, but
the overall pattern is disconcertingly similar.

While marriages each have their unique problems

and characteristics, all relationships follow a pattern
of connection, and many marriages follow a similar
pattern of disconnection. It is this pattern that is so

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 MARRIAGE FAIL POINT

predictable from situation to situation. If your

marriage is in trouble, your relationship will likely be
reflected in this very pattern of coming together and
falling apart.

Let’s look a bit at the process of both coming together

and falling apart.

One important point to understand is that the

process of dissolution of the relationship, if a
marriage goes in that direction, is a mirror image of
the process of connecting. In other words, in the
reverse way you came together, you fall apart, unless
you escape the downward trajectory.

Here is a map of that process. We will examine the

details below.

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 MARRIAGE FAIL POINT

The Psychology of Connection

Let’s look first at the growth of a relationship, the

Psychology of Connection. Every couple first meets
as individuals. For whatever reasons, there is an
initial attraction between those two individuals.
Somehow, both have a mutual attraction to traits in
the other. Perhaps it is appearance or outward
personality. Perhaps it is interests or aspirations.
And there are certainly some unconscious factors
involved. Whatever the reasons for the attraction,
they ―click.‖

From that point, each works to build the connection.

Each asks the question, ―What can I give to this
relationship?‖ This creates a growing connection
between the two that feeds off of the connections that
each is working to establish. It is a cyclical process of
growing and expanding connection. At this point, the
relationship is self-nurturing and snowballs into
―falling in love.‖ The feeling of connection overflows
to a feeling of love and passion. This process is
intentional, meaning that both people are intentional
about working to connect with the other.

At some point, every relationship, once connected,

must find its rules and roles. Two people can only
float around in the connecting phase for so long
before there has to be some establishment of how the
couple will get through life. What are the roles that
each will play? What are the expectations that each

45
 MARRIAGE FAIL POINT

has for the relationship and the other person? This

inevitably leads to some level of struggle, as each
attempts to define him/herself, the other person, and
the relationship.

Each person is trying to be the one to set the

parameters. Not necessarily without input from the
other, but headed in the direction desired by each
individual. Which causes the struggle.

There is a decision to be made at this point: ―Do we

come together as a team, or do we continue to
struggle?‖

If a couple can become a team, a WE (which I

describe in detail elsewhere in this book), they can
escape the other side of the process, the Psychology
of Disconnection.

When does the power struggle start? The answer

varies from couple to couple. Sometimes, it is early
on in the relationship (and continues for a long time
for some couples). For other couples, it does not start
until the early days of marriage. It is hard to avoid
the struggle and negotiation, though, for very long
into a marriage. It is hard to be in such an intimate
relationship without defining the expectations and
roles. It just happens naturally.

(Notice that ―naturally‖ is a different word than

―struggle-free.‖ The process can be difficult and full
of struggle. I describe the entire process in my Save

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 MARRIAGE FAIL POINT

The Marriage System, where I discuss the process of

discovering true intimacy.)

The Psychology of Disconnection

On the downward side of the arc, we find the process

of a relationship when it does not escape the
trajectory. This is the process of disconnecting.

In my work with premarital counseling of couples, I

notice that without exception, people marry because
they want to show their love for the other person.
They want to spend their lives expressing this love
and being in connection with the other person. Along
with the strong element of wanting the other person
in their lives, there is the movement of energy toward
the other person.

Interestingly, when couples come to my office with a

marriage in trouble, a shift has happened. Instead of
looking for how they can love the other person, each
person is looking for how their spouse is loving them.
In other words, the energy has reversed. The prior
focus of ―How can I love you?‖ shifts to focusing on
―How are you loving me?‖ This focus quickly shifts to
―What am I getting out of this?‖

One of the Relationship Coaches in my organization

told me that his marriage was deeply troubled, but
was transformed when he stopped asking ―What am I
getting?‖ and started asking ―What can I give?‖ The

47
 MARRIAGE FAIL POINT

shift allowed him to reconnect and reach out toward

his spouse again.

There is a built-in scarcity mindset that comes from

the perspective of ―What am I getting?‖ The question
gets us to focus on lack: lack of love, lack of attention,
lack of energy, lack of time, lack of care, etc., etc., etc.
What we focus upon, we will find evidence to support
— even if that ―evidence‖ exists more in our mind
than reality.

―What can I give?‖ is a question of potentiality. It

assumes there is an endless amount of love and
affection, which a couple can share together, when
that is the focus.

You will notice that asking the question, ―What can I

give?‖ is the second exit point from the downward
and unconscious trajectory toward dissolution. The
question only comes when one or the other person
makes a conscious choice to shift.

If the couple does not make that shift, the next level
is a growing sense of disconnection. At this point,
either or both can make a choice to reconnect, to
nurture the connection between the two. This
conscious choice to reconnect moves the couple back
to a sense of connection, of being a WE, and they can
again escape the trajectory.

At each point of potential escape, the effort and

energy required to escape the trajectory grows.

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 MARRIAGE FAIL POINT

―Gravity‖ takes over and accelerates the momentum

of the disconnection. Minor issues require minor
readjustments. Major issues require major
readjustments.

As the disconnection grows, so do the chances for

separation, affairs, divorce, and abandonment. The
need for connection is so strong that a sense of
desperation to find it somewhere grows stronger and
stronger.

The human need for connection is similar to the

human need for nourishment. If we don’t get enough
food, anything edible begins to be inviting. Junk food
or snacks can start to replace real meals. And
desperate enough, humans will consume trash or
even dirt to avoid starvation. Starving for attention is
no different. The need will be met, in healthy or
unhealthy ways.

And as this process of disconnection continues, it

leads to the opposite of attraction: repulsion. The
person who once attracted the other becomes the
object of repulsion. Instead of the ―rose-colored
glasses‖ that many wear in the process of falling in
love, there are ―dark-colored glasses.‖ These glasses
only show the negative elements of the other person,
dimming the good and positive aspects. Just as we
are selective in looking at the positive during the
process of falling in love, we become selective in

49
 MARRIAGE FAIL POINT

looking at the negative when the disconnection

moves to repulsion.

At this point in the process, relationships can still

recover. But the energy to do so is far more
substantial than earlier in the process. It requires
more time, energy, and understanding to turn the
relationship back.

The spiral up and the spiral down are mirror images

of each other, both moving faster at the ends. Which
means that maintaining a connected relationship is
easier to manage than is recovery. But recovery is
possible all the way to the end of the arc.

Here’s a little secret: we all want that connection.

And many times, when one can manage an internal
shift toward a spouse, the spouse responds, due to
this internal desire for that connection. Our drive and
need for connection is what allows reconnection. And
that reconnection can lead to healing and health in
the relationship.

(Excerpted from How To Save Your Marriage In 3

Simple Steps.)

50
 THE PAUSE-BUTTON
MARRIAGE

I t happens innocently and understandably. But it

happens.

A couple marries and begins to settle into life.

Regular life. Not the whirlwind life of love and
romance that marked their courtship. Not the
excitement of nuptial planning and celebration. But
life.

Life begins to return to normal — albeit a ―new

normal‖ of marriage and commitment. They love
each other and enjoy each other's company. They
make plans for the future and move forward
together. But now, they do it having made a
commitment to be there, to stay in the relationship.
No need to chase, no need to try and hold tight to one
another. The couple has each other and has promised
to be with each other, for life.

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 MARRIAGE FAIL POINT

This commitment is what allows a couple to relax

into the relationship. You make your vows and
promises. You commit. You are done with the
chasing. I even overheard a bride comment at the
wedding reception dinner, ―Now I can eat whatever I
want. I don't have to worry. You can't leave me. I can
just let myself go!‖ While you might not let yourself
go, you get her point. She was seeing her dating days
as over. No more winning over, no more worries
about losing love. You have your spouse... you have
each other… for life.

And so, life starts (or resumes). Married life is the

―new normal.‖

And other areas of life start calling (again).

There are goals to conquer, mountains to climb, kids

to raise, friends to see, opportunities to pursue. In
other words, there are things to do, people to see,
places to go.

Life happens.

And then... the couple hits the ―Pause Button.‖ They

both think, ―As soon as life slows down a little, we
will get back to US.‖

And their marriage becomes the Pause Button

Marriage.

Except that there is no pause button for marriages.

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 MARRIAGE FAIL POINT

I've heard the reasoning over and over before. They

often have to do with time and energy:

 ―Once the kids are older and off to school/off

to college/launched in their jobs, we will get
back to US.‖
 ―Once I get my career going/get the
promotion/get my degree, we will get back to
US.‖
 ―Once I run the marathon/climb the
mountains/travel the world/accomplish a
certain level, we will get back to US.‖
 ―Once we have the house we want/enough
money in the bank/retirement secured, we
will get back to US.‖
 Etc., etc., etc.

Whatever the cause of the pause, the effect is the

same. The marriage is placed on pause... at least that
is what the couple (or one spouse) believes.

Except, there is no pause. Relationships are either

growing or receding. They can’t be paused.

When relationships are paused, they stagnate and

recede.

You can probably see it in your non-marriage

relationships. Maybe you have a friend that you just
know will be for life. But over time, other things get
in the way. You don't see each other as much. You
don't keep each other updated. And the longer it goes

53
 MARRIAGE FAIL POINT

between connections, the easier it is to not connect.

Sure, you can ―catch up‖ with each other. But if you
don't nurture it, over time, the connection falters.

There is a difference, though, between what happens

in marriage and between friends. Between friends,
when the relationship wanes, you may miss them,
and it may even be a bit painful (especially if you
were not the one who backed away). But when it
happens in a marriage, the pain is acute, and the
need for connection becomes desperate.

Remember, humans are connecting creatures. We

are not designed to be solitary individuals but in
relationship with others. That need is built into our
DNA. You can see it from birth when a child wants
contact and connection with parents. At first, the
contact is physical — a baby wants to be held and
cuddled, changed and fed. And that contact creates
bonding. A parent and child bond together.

Plenty of research shows that when children are

denied that bond, there is significant psychological
damage and pain, some of which can be lifelong.
Because humans are designed for that connection
and bonding.

Later in life, marriage becomes the vehicle for that

connection. And it creates a bond between the
couple. The connection nurtures the bond. It allows
people to face tough times (and enjoy good times)
more than if there were no connection.

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 MARRIAGE FAIL POINT

Have you ever noticed how sad it is to have

something great happen and have nobody to share it
with? Or how painful it is to have something tough
happen and have nobody to face it with you, to have
nobody in your corner?

That connection is built into us. The need for the

bond is part of being human. Which is why the WE of
a marriage is so powerful. It is based in a promise, a
commitment, to stay together, through thick and
thin, good and bad times, for the rest of your life.
And that promise lets you bond more deeply than in
any other relationship.

And it also makes any loss of connection ever more

painful than any other relationship.

Think of the bond, the WE, as the body of the

relationship. Think of connection as the lifeblood of
that body. And consider what happens when the
circulation of blood is disrupted in any organism. The
body begins to fail. Health begins to suffer. Pain and
discomfort is the result. And left long enough,
desperation comes in.

If you hold someone underwater, you see how they

struggle to get oxygen (PLEASE do not really try this!
Just consider it a thought experiment). At first, it
isn’t too bad. We can all hold our breath for a bit. But
then, it becomes uncomfortable. And then, it
becomes desperate.

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 MARRIAGE FAIL POINT

We are desperate to keep the lifeblood moving and

oxygenated.

The Pause Button Marriage means that the

circulation of connection is compromised. At first, it
just feels frustrating and annoying. You might try to
get some extra connection with children, colleagues,
fellow hobbyists, or others. But over time, the bond
begins to fail. The WE begins to falter.

Fast-forward to that moment when it happens... the

kids are off, the career is made, the goal is achieved.
And you turn back to the relationship, press Un-
Pause, and discover that the connection is gone.

Or as often happens, one person is continuing to

move through life, assuming all is good with the
pause, but the spouse is feeling the pain and is ready
to exit the relationship — or has even found someone
else to substitute for the connection!

As benignly as it starts, the Pause Button Marriage

claims more relationships than any other single
event. In fact, many of those ―events,‖ including
infidelity, are symptoms of the disconnection that
was the unwitting result of hitting the pause button.

Sadly, this is not an intentional action. People don't

hit Pause, expecting to come back to a relationship
on life support. They are ―doing life,‖ knowing that
the marriage will be there later. They are following
passions, dreams, and goals.

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 MARRIAGE FAIL POINT

But since they aren't chasing those passions, dreams,

and goals as a team, the individuals keep moving
apart, growing in different directions.

To be clear, there is nothing wrong with having

different hobbies and interests, even different
friends. The problem is the disconnection. You don't
have to be carbon copies of each other. You can order
different things at the restaurant, have different
interests, enjoy different activities, AND be happily
married.

As long as the relationship gets the attention it needs.

As long as you both see yourselves as being on the

same team.

As long as you bring the energy from your outside

activities into the relationship. You cheer each other
on, support each other's goals and dreams... and
make some goals and dreams together.

Your individuality is what attracted you to each other

in the beginning. It doesn't have to go away to make
the relationship work. And you don't have to hit
pause to be an individual. You are two individuals,
joined together as a unit. The unit part is what can't
be paused.

There IS no Pause Button for a marriage.

57
 WHAT EVERY COUPLE
SHOULD KNOW

T here are some things that I believe every married

person (or anyone considering marriage) should
know. Call them basic truths about marriage. Or call
them secrets of marriage (because so many people
seem to not know these truths). Either way, they are
essential to happy marriages. When you don't know
them, you often end up fighting against the truths of
marriage.

Consider this an abbreviation of the other sections of

this book, as quick reminders. It serves as a quick
overview that brings everything together for you to
see the fit. Use the points as reminders of where to
move toward, as well as warnings of why marriages
often struggle.

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1) Every marriage has difficulties.

Many people are surprised and alarmed when their

marriage hits a tough spot. They didn't expect any
difficulties along the way. The fact is, every marriage
has difficulties.

According to statistics, around 50% of marriages

figure out how to deal with the struggles. They realize
the struggle is just a part of being that close to
someone. When your lives are that intertwined, there
is going to be friction.

Having difficulties does not mean the marriage is

wrong. It is just a fact of relationships and relating.
The real problem is when the issues are not
addressed and solved for the betterment of the
marriage.

When difficulties are the symptom of power struggles

and are not used to grow and form the relationship,
they begin to undercut the connection. The
difficulties serve to sever the relationship. Instead of
being a fact, they are a liability and serve to hurt.
Difficulties are a fact, a given. How you face and solve
them is a choice.

2) There is no “Pause Button” on

relationships.

As I have stated in another chapter, but want to

remind you in this short list, there really is no such

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thing as ―pause‖ in any relationship. Many couples

think that they can hit ―pause,‖ raise the kids, get the
promotions, pursue hobbies and interests, and then
return to the marriage down the road. They think
their relationship will go into suspended animation.

The connection is the lifeblood of relationships.

When you hit pause, you are disconnecting, whether
you mean to or not. Connection either grows or
recedes. It is never stationary. Many couples ―un-
pause,‖ only to discover they are disconnected, have
grown apart, and are different people. Marriages
(and any connection) need regular and consistent
care, nurturing the connection and the relationship
along the way.

3) Your task is to create a WE

You start every relationship as ―You and Me.‖ But

marriage is unique. Your task is to become a WE, a
team, a united sense of yourselves. It's the ability to
see that ―WE are in this together,‖ ―WE move
forward as a unit,‖ ―WE make decisions on what is
best for the US.‖ That sense of being a WE is the sign
of a successful marriage.

But it still has to have two ―Me’s‖ bringing their best

selves to the WE. A WE is not about a ―mind-meld‖ of
losing yourself, your identity, to the relationship. It is
bringing your best self, your full self, to the team. It is
devoting your own individual talents, your

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individuality, to the best for the team. You are still

YOU, just as a part of a WE.

If you build a WE and focus on growing that WE, you

have a solid, rock-steady relationship with your
partner.

4) Any conflict should be in the service of

progress

It is very easy to get trapped in a ―win/lose‖ mentality

about conflicts. That is how we respond as
individuals protecting our own space. I fight to
defend me. You fight to defend you. That is how
individuals react to perceived threats. The danger,
though, is carrying that over into important
relationships, including marriage.

When either person (or both people) is out to win,

the relationship loses. Defending ME is often at the
cost of WE. And is certainly at the cost of defending
WE.

When couples use conflicts as an opportunity to grow

the relationship and build a WE, then the conflict is
in the service of progress. If you want to win — and
try to ―score points‖ in the conflict — the connection
gets chipped away, and the WE is hurt.

See conflict as an opportunity to progress the

relationship. Use conflicts as opportunities to
practice being a WE. Use them as opportunities to

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learn about your partner's opinions, about the

differences between you, and how those differences
can be bridged for the betterment of the partnership.
Work to resolve rather than to win.

Work for solutions that move you toward WE.

5) Love is an action. The feeling follows.

We all love that ―in love‖ feeling. But notice that even
in the beginning, actions are what grew the emotions.
That never stops. Many people enter into a marriage
wanting to show the other person how much they
love them. But at some point, many make a shift to
asking, ―How are you loving me?‖ This can quickly
build resentment – since no one is perfect at showing
love. If the question is, ―What am I getting out of
this?‖, the marriage will struggle. If the question is,
―What can I put into this?‖, the marriage grows, the
connection grows, and the WE grows stronger.

Marital love, just to be clear, is not devoid of feelings.

It is simply not waiting for the feelings to show up.
Love is consistently acting in love. The feelings of
love follow up on the actions of love. The feeling of
love is from an abundance of connection. Connection
is fueled by loving action and nurture.

Simply put, when people wait to feel love before

acting lovingly, the feeling continues to diminish,
reducing the loving actions. And the spiral continues
downward… away from action and feeling. But

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choosing to act lovingly builds the feeling. Which

does make it easier to act, which leads to a deepening
feeling. And the spiral continues upward.

Action leads to feeling. Don't wait for feelings in

order to act. Act and watch the feelings come (or
strengthen, once you have the momentum shifted).

When we struggle against these truths, it's like

swimming against the current. Sure, you might be
able to do it for a while. But it is both tiring and
ineffective. You might hang on for a while. But
eventually, exhaustion and frustration set in. And if
you keep it up, you never get to your destination. You
give up and head for shore.

But if you follow these truths, you are swimming with

the current, making even faster progress than
swimming in still water. You might just enjoy the
journey! Let the current help you out!

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 INFIDELITY AND OTHER
SYMPTOMS

I ’m asked the question on a regular basis: ―My

spouse had an affair (or I had an affair), so that is
the real issue in our marriage, right?‖

The answer is ―No.‖

It is like saying, ―I have a fever, which is making me

feel bad. That is the problem, right?‖ That is actually
a symptom. The underlying reason for the fever is
important. Sure, you can take something to break the
fever. But that doesn't mean you are well. You just
eliminated a symptom.

The underlying infection is the real problem that

must be addressed. The fever is just the body's
response to the underlying issue. It is a symptom, not
a cause.

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Infidelity is a symptom of the marital crisis. It isn't

the cause. But like a fever, the symptom can cause
extensive damage, so it is not just an irrelevant issue.

The problem is that infidelity often makes one spouse

the target — the ―fault‖ of the marital problems. The
focus on the one who had the affair means that the
real issue can be ignored or denied. And in the
process, the underlying issue cannot be addressed or
healed.

Let's be clear: Infidelity is damaging to the

relationship. One person ventured out of the bounds
of the relationship, rupturing the boundaries of the
relationship. In its wake, damage is done to both
people. And there is extensive damage to the
relationship.

The spouse who suffers the affair feels a disruption of

trust and confidence. They have a hard time trusting
the relationship or the spouse. They lose confidence
in themselves for being an adequate spouse and for
being able to provide what is needed in the marriage
(since the spouse who committed the affair ventured
beyond the marriage for those needs). And they
struggle to understand who their spouse is, given
those actions.

The spouse who commits infidelity has likely

rationalized why such behavior is acceptable, since
such behavior usually challenges their moral stance.
Shame (unless thoroughly rationalized away) is often

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an underlying feeling. But then there is that

connection with the affair partner... it acts almost like
a drug. The person committing the affair may try to
pull back, pull away from the affair partner, only to
go back for yet another ―hit‖ of the intoxicating
connection.

Infatuation, fueled by the dynamics of the affair, is

often confused with love, with proclamations that
―I've never felt this way before,‖ a belief associated
with every instance of infatuation. (We tend to do a
poor job of remembering the depths and power of
prior emotional moments — accurate memories of all
powerful emotional states are suspect, be it the
depths of pain or heights of joy.)

But because of the overwhelming feeling of

infatuation, the person who committed the affair
confuses that feeling with proof that the relationship
is ―right.‖ And the justification continues.

And the damage is done.

In reality, the affair is only the ―presenting problem.‖

In a medical office, patients come in with ―presenting
problems,‖ but they are really symptoms of a bigger
problem. A fever is the symptom of an infection. An
upset stomach, headache, fever, chills, and a sore
throat are the presenting problems, often symptoms
of the flu. The issue driving the symptoms, the
infection, is what needs treatment. If successfully
treated, the symptoms abate as the infection abates.

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So, what is the underlying issue with affairs?

Disconnection and Infidelity

As we discussed earlier, the need and desire for

connection is wired into our DNA. It is part of being
human. We need and crave closeness (even if the
closeness scares us — the mirror fears of
abandonment and intimacy).

That closeness is critical for well-being. If it isn't in

our lives, we go searching for it. We may not
recognize it in the search, but that is what we are
trying to find. Connection, closeness, intimacy with
someone.

In our culture, that means connection with ―that

one,‖ the ―soulmate‖ that fulfills our physical,
emotional, and spiritual levels of connection. And
when that connection wanes in one relationship, it
may be found in another. If a marriage does not hold
the connection, another relationship may emerge.

But disconnection is not all that is necessary. It is just

the vulnerability. It sets the stage.

There's a problem: connection is not a consistent

reality. In every single marriage, the level of
connection can vary over time and circumstances.
And one person can feel closer or more distant than
the other person. In other words, connection — the

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feeling of connection — is a subjective reality. I can

feel closer to you than you feel toward me, and vice
versa.

Maybe it is a busy time at work, or the kids are

pulling at you. We all only have so much energy. That
is also part of being human. There is a limit to our
energy reserves that we can invest anywhere. If some
area of life needs more attention, another area of life
will pay the price. I only have so many eggs to put in
all the baskets of life. If one basket needs more eggs,
they are coming out of another basket.

Disconnection in a marriage is not a conscious

choice, by the way. It happens in the small decisions
and choices, some of which, at least, seem to be
unavoidable. We have some circumstance that seem
to demand attention, and so, we pull some energy
from somewhere else... like the marriage.

Marriage is often taken for granted. After all, we did

pledge to stick together for life, right? Yes, but we
forget that when we make that choice, we are also
committing to making the relationship a priority. But
if our lives don't reflect the prioritization, the
marriage begins to be the source of energy that is
moved to other areas of life.

The Eisenhower Matrix (made famous by Stephen

Covey) notes that we tend to ignore the non-urgent
but important areas of life, ceding them to
urgent/important and urgent/unimportant areas of

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life. Marriage is — until it is in crisis — an

important/non-urgent area of life. Sure, we know it
is important, but many people think it will be there,
safe and secure. And so, energy that should go there
is funneled to other areas of life that seem to need
immediate energy (some do, and some don’t).

And the connection in the marriage begins to recede.

When energy is pulled from one area of life, that area
simply has less energy than it had before.

Which leads to that Arc of Disconnection. The less

connected we are, the less we feel the need or desire
to connect. And the less we connect, the more we
disconnect... unless we do something to shift the
dynamic. Unless we go from unconscious
disconnecting to conscious connecting.

But if connection ebbs and flows in every

relationship, does that mean that every marriage is at
risk?

At risk, yes.

Yet, not every marriage suffers infidelity.

Why?

Because of the other factor — boundaries.

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Boundaries and Marriage

Connection is the energy within the relationship (or

lack of energy in disconnection). Boundaries are the
borders of the relationship, protecting it from outside
forces. In some ways, it forms the ―skin‖ of the
relationship, a barrier to the outside world.

Boundaries are what individuals do to protect the

relationship from outside forces. You can also think
of them like the moat and walls around the castle.
While life goes on inside the building, it is protected
by the moat and walls, so life is safe.

Every marriage needs boundaries. Many do not have

stated or agreed upon boundaries, though. How do I
know? Because I have asked.

In pre-marital counseling, I have asked couples to

think through their boundaries — how they will agree
to protect their relationship. Almost always, this has
not occurred to them, since they believe their love
will keep them safe (it won't).

At marriage enrichment events, I have asked couples

who are doing okay about the boundaries. They
haven't agreed to boundaries — and it feels strange to
have that conversation when things are okay... why
rock the boat? (Except that the relationship needs
those boundaries for those disconnected times.)

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And in my work with marriages on the edge of

failure, it is almost always the case that boundaries
are absent (or very blurry). In fact, had there been
boundaries, infidelity would not be an issue.

My task here is not so much to tell you how to set

your boundaries, as much as point to the fact that it
is a factor in affairs. It is what allows infidelity to
creep into a relationship. (Mostly because the
boundaries do not keep the emotional energy from
creeping out of the relationship.)

Boundaries are best when agreed upon by a couple.

When both commit to the boundaries, it is much
more likely to be effective than when one person
decides to inflict boundaries upon another person —
often, when connection simply cannot sustain such a
demand.

Best practice would be for a couple to set and agree to

boundaries before they ever enter into the marriage.
In reality, this does not happen often. Leaving the
marriage vulnerable.

Appropriate boundaries clarify what each person

does to protect a relationship — interactions with
outside people, verbally, emotionally, and physically.
For example, what is okay to share with others? What
are situations that would be considered risky for
outside interactions? What types of interaction are
reserved for a spouse? Answers to those simple

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questions can clarify and secure the marriage before

it gets into trouble.

But when those answers are not known, we humans

tend to do one thing very well: rationalize. We do an
excellent job of making the ―gray areas‖ of life
acceptable and even reasonable.

Disconnection + Lack of Boundaries =

Vulnerability to Infidelity

Let me be clear, just because there is disconnection

and there are no clear boundaries, that does not
mean infidelity is inevitable. Only that there is a high
vulnerability to infidelity.

When disconnection comes to a relationship — and it

comes to every relationship, to some degree — one or
the other may seek some sense of connection
somewhere. They may find it by throwing themselves
into work, friendships, parenting, pets, or other
points of contact. (To be clear, involvement in work,
friendships, parenting, etc., is not necessarily a sign
of disconnection. But it can be used as a substitution
for marital connection.)

We have already noted that humans are built for

connection. There is a secondary fact: we are also
designed for attraction. We tend to notice other
attractive people, and even have a physical response
of arousal to other people. That is just part of human

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wiring. The question is not whether people might feel

attraction, but what they might do about it.

I've never been to a wedding where the couple

pledged to never, ever notice another human being
again — to never be attracted to anyone else again.
But they do usually vow to ―forsake all others.‖ In
other words, they pledge to not allow others to get
too close and pledge to not get too close to others.

Which is where boundaries come in. Those

boundaries are the protection points of the
relationship. It is the ―arm’s length‖ that couples
agree to keep others that might otherwise interlope
into the relationship.

When both factors happen, disconnection and a lack

of boundaries, the marriage is vulnerable to
infidelity.

Conversely, when couples have strong boundaries,

the relationship can weather the points of
disconnection that may emerge. That gives the couple
a safe space and the time to reconnect. A connected
marriage with strong boundaries has a low risk of
infidelity.

Can A Marriage Be Saved AFTER Infidelity?

Clearly, infidelity is an assault on the WE. It is

damaging to both the one who suffers and the one

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who commits the infidelity, and it is damaging to the

relationship.

It is not, however, necessarily the end of the

marriage. While statistics are a bit hard to come by
around the topic of infidelity, what research we do
have reflects that a slight majority of marriages that
suffer infidelity do survive.

In my experience, for many marriages, infidelity can

actually serve as an eye-opener, a ―wake up call.‖ It
causes the couple to face the issues and problems
present in their marriage. They are forced to face the
disconnection and unhappiness that have been a part
of the marriage. And they have to decide upon either
working through the issues or walking away.

Granted, it is best for a marriage to not suffer

infidelity, to learn about the disconnection in a less
bruising and hurtful way. But if infidelity occurs, it is
possible to learn the lesson and recover.

Once they can recognize infidelity as a symptom of

the hurting marriage, then the focus is not on the
affair, but on the marital relationship.

At this point, let me be very clear here: The person

who commits infidelity is 100% responsible for
having taken that action. Whether there was
disconnection or not, whether there were boundaries
or not, committing the act of infidelity is 100% the
responsibility of the person who did it. Blaming a

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spouse is not appropriate, nor is hiding behind the

disconnection as an excuse.

But both people are fully responsible for having been

a part of a disconnected marriage. Both people have
to ―own up‖ to their role in that disconnection. And
both are responsible for the efforts to rebuild the
connection.

The person who committed infidelity, though, also

has the responsibility of re-establishing trust. It is on
that person to be transparent and accountable — the
beginning point of re-establishing both trust and
boundaries.

How to heal after an affair is beyond the scope of this

particular book. It is, however, the subject of my
book, Recovering From The Affair:
http://viewBook.at/recover-from-affair.

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 Q&A

O ver the years, I have received questions from

people in similar situations as you. Many times,
they were the same questions. I can guess some of
the questions you may have at this point. They are
likely to be similar to the questions from thousands
of people who have already asked them of me. So,
allow me to ask and answer those questions for you.

If my marriage is in trouble, can it be turned

around?

The short answer is yes, it can be turned around.

Statistics back me up on this one. For couples with
whom I work directly, my approach has worked with
near 80% effectiveness. So we know the approach I
use works.

That said, the real question you are asking is ―will my

marriage turn around?‖ Statistics are rather
irrelevant, except for how they play out in your life.

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And that is harder to answer. Yes, it can be turned

around, but will it be turned around?

There are several dynamics that play into this. Some

are within your control. Some are not.

First, beyond your current control is the timeframe

of the crisis. Simply put, the longer the disconnection
and crisis, the harder it is to shift back. The damage
mounts up. Crisis becomes chronic.

Also beyond your control are the actions of your

spouse. Some spouses either refuse to reconsider or
even add to the damage by the actions they take.

But there are some things you do control. You can

decide that you will make the necessary changes to
get things back on track. You can act on that decision,
making the changes. And you can continue to act on
that decision, often despite the actions of your
spouse, to hold the changes you made. All of that is
within your control.

To make it as simple as possible, saving a marriage

has three steps. They are simple (but that does not
mean they are easy). I call them the ―3 C's‖ in my
book, How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple
Steps. Here they are:

 Connect with your spouse (given the

disconnection that got you here).

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 Change yourself (given the fact that we

all have places to improve and change).
 Create a new path (given that most
marriages never found the WE path).

When connection is re-established, it is like restoring

circulation to the body — barring too much damage,
it comes back to life! And the only way to know is by
trying. If something happens to me, I do hope the
medical staff will at least try to restore my circulation
(CPR, defibrillation, etc.) before they decide nothing
can be done!

It’s the same with a marriage. Yes, your marriage can

be turned around. WILL it be turned around? There
is only one way to find out... TRY.

But what if my spouse doesn't want to?

First, if BOTH of you wanted to turn it around, with

the right approach, you are pretty much unstoppable!
Since your approach hasn't been helpful up to this
point, you do need a new one. But given a new
approach to your relationship, you and your spouse
can absolutely turn it around.

But second, and this is a missed point in so many

methodologies, one person can choose to start the
process... even if a spouse is refusing to try.

I have long made my approach usable and effective

with one person deciding to work on the marriage. In

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fact, the byline of my Save The Marriage System is

that you can save your marriage, ―even if only you
want to.‖

But many people say, ―it takes two to have a

marriage.‖

They are correct.

Long-term, it does take two people to have a great

marriage, both invested and working on it.

BUT, and it is a big ―but,‖ it only takes one to start

the process. And isn't that true in anything in life?

One person starts the movement. One person might

even take the lead in moving in a different direction.

A thought always starts with one person. That one

person can take actions, even if others haven't yet
started acting — or even accepted — moving toward a
given goal.

Think of marriage like a dance. You two have been

dancing for a long time. Your steps are coordinated
with each other. But not necessarily to the music. In
other words, you have been out of step with the goals
of marriage, but in step with each other. You move,
your spouse moves. Your spouse moves, you move.

What if one person changes the steps... even a little?

The spouse has to change their steps, too. Otherwise,

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you aren't dancing anymore. And marriage is the

dance.

In a relationship, if one changes, the other changes.

Kind of like a math equation. You have to change
both sides of the equation. And to be honest, this is
how the marriage got so far off course. You kept
(often unknowingly) following each other down a
dead-end path.

Now, you have the option to take the lead, to change

the steps. And at some point, your spouse can join in
that new dance. And in most cases, they do.

It does ―take two to tango.‖ But it only takes one to

ask the other to dance, and even to lead the dance.

“I just want to get back to where we were,

though. Can’t we just do that?”

In a word, No.

For a longer response, where you were got you to

where you are. A marriage crisis is a good indication
that your approach and your process are not healthy
and helpful for your marriage.

Your current situation is rooted in the dynamics and

understandings of your marriage. So, just going back
to where you were will get you right back to where
you are.

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Fortunately, making a shift is not hard. It is more a

realization of what wasn’t right and shifting to what
is a better path.

But what if we just stay for “the wrong

reasons?”

Lots of marriages get to the right place because they

stay for the wrong reasons — in the beginning.

Whatever reason for staying, if it keeps you together

in order to get to the right place, then the reason
gives you the opportunity.

The problem is that people think in binary terms:

left/right, up/down, right/wrong. And in marriage
crises, that often amounts to two choices:

1. Stay in the marriage and be miserable.

2. Leave the marriage and be happy.

Missing is what I call ―The Third Option.‖ In almost

every situation, there is a third option. In marriage, it
is:

3. Stay married and make it a relationship BOTH

treasure and protect.

Granted, many have a very hard time even visualizing

that third option. But it IS there, waiting to be
grabbed.

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So, if there is a reason that keeps you there long

enough to get to option #3, that works (unless the
reason is coercion or force). If you decide to hang in
there for the kids, because you don't want to give up
assets, or because you don't have the finances for two
households, count it as an opportunity to move
toward a third option.

Some research shows that unhappy couples who

simply hang in there for two to three years report
being happier. Without therapy or any other
intervention. Simply by hanging in there.

So, hang in there!

“When Is It Unrecoverable?”

Let's first be clear that there is a difference between

unrecoverable and unrecovered. Many marriages
could be recovered. But that does not mean they will
be recovered. Some couples mutually choose to walk
away. In that case, not much can or will happen. If
neither has a desire to work on it, little will shift.

Other times, a spouse wants to save the marriage, but

simply does not know what to do nor how to do it. In
those cases, the loss of a marriage is more about lack
of knowledge than lack of desire. The solution is to
find a helpful approach to the marital issues. (That
was one big reason I created the Save The Marriage
System. I wanted to solve the problem of people not
knowing how to save their marriage.)

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And there are still other times when one person in

the marriage simply will not make a shift, regardless
of what you do. They are closed to the possibility and
opportunity to rebuild a marriage. This is the true
tragedy. A recoverable marriage, except that one
person refuses.

When I sit with couples where one wanted in and one

wanted out, I am quite clear that a marriage requires
a unanimous vote to stay together, but a single veto
could end it. That is the reality of our ―no fault‖
divorce laws. These laws are, in actuality, ―single
party initiated‖ divorce laws. It simply does not
require both people to want it. Which means that one
spouse has control of the dissolution of a marriage,
like it or not.

As I noted in the introduction, the other type of

marriage that I do not think should be recovered is
the abusive marriage. It is beyond the scope of this
resource to tell you whether or not your marriage is
abusive. If there is physical violence, though, it is
abusive. If you are still reading, despite my words in
the introduction, please get help. That is not a
marriage that should be recovered.

Beyond an abusive marriage that should not be saved

and the times when a spouse simply will not allow it
to be saved, most situations are recoverable.

Oh, and if your spouse seems to be refusing now, do

not assume that this situation cannot be changed. We

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change our minds all the time, on a myriad of things.

And that includes wanting out of a marriage.

While I was a chaplain, I watched people as they

faced low odds of survival. When presented with
some way of beating it, some way of finding a cure,
almost all went for it. They didn't pause to say, ―If
you can guarantee I will be cured, I will do it.‖ They
turned it around and said, ―If there is a chance of a
cure, I will do it. Let's see what happens!‖

There is one way to find out whether or not your

marriage can be recovered: work toward restoring it.
Not haphazardly, but with a plan that is effective.
Find the resources that show you how to work on it.
And then, work on it.

“Why Even Try?”

That is a great question. Perhaps you are reading this

information more as a post-mortem. Perhaps you are
interested in what killed your marriage, not how to
revive it. I get that.

A marriage crisis can be overwhelming and painful.

You may just be searching for information to help
your understanding and processing. In that case,
trying is simply not on your agenda.

So just to reiterate what I said above: if neither of you

wants to work on it, nothing will happen. Sure, the
divorce can be painful. But if both of you have

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accepted the reality of it, you are simply moving

through the pain.

But what if that is not you? What if you wanted to

diagnose the problem so that you could move
forward and restore the marriage? Should you? Why
should you?

First, I will tell you that it is my conviction and belief

that a bonding happens in a marriage that is more
painful to pull apart than any other relationship —
even when the marriage has had pain, conflict,
contention, fighting, and arguing. It is still pulling
apart a relationship that was based on a promise for
life.

Which is why a divorce is considered to be one of the

most stressful events in life.

But more than that, a good marriage is one of the

best buffers to the other stressors in life. If you have
someone you can count on (and vice versa), you can
stand together through the tough times life holds.
Two are much stronger than one, when they stand
together as a unit, a WE.

Over the years, I have discovered the fact that

marriages which have weathered a tough marital
time and come out together on the other side are
stronger and more resilient as they move forward.
Taking on tough marital times and allowing that to
strengthen your relationship means you are more

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resilient for all the other tough times in life. And I did
mention (didn't I?) that 100% of marriages have
difficult times. The task is holding on, making it
through, and getting to the other side with a stronger
relationship.

Also, let's talk about the kids (even if the ―kids‖ are
adults). A divorce absolutely does affect the children
in a family. I have seen it for myself (personally and
clinically), and research backs it up.

A few weeks back, I had a parent tell me that the kids

would be fine. I agreed that the kids could certainly
recover (not would... but could). But that is not the
same as saying they will be fine. This person told me
that a psychologist said it was better for a child to
have divorced parents than deeply conflicted parents.
I told him that he was choosing between worse
situations — basically trying to decide which bad
situation was better.

I asked, ―Which do you think would be better for a

child? Fighting parents, divorced parents, or happily
married parents?‖ He grudgingly agreed that under
any situation, a child would be better off with happily
married parents.

When parents show their kids a happy marriage, they

learn some critical lessons. Like the importance of
commitment. Like the value of working through
tough times. What love really looks like. And they
have a sense of stability in their own lives.

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Emotional well-being of the spouses, emotional well-

being of the children (and other family members).
Those are two great reasons to work on it.

Not to mention the negative financial consequences,

the resulting mess of taking things apart, the jigsaw
puzzle of schedules with kids — including holidays
and schools, and the loss of time with the children
that each spouse endures, along with the children
involved.

Oh, and the big surprise for divorced spouses with

children... they are forever connected together,
anyway, because of the kids. They are, by necessity,
forced to relate and coordinate with each other for
life (or refuse to do so and cause more emotional
damage to the children). The same issues are still
present unless you at least solve the issues between
you.

So at least do that.

But guess what? If you can solve your issues, you can
restore your marriage.

I can't make you want your marriage. I can't convince

you to work on your marriage. But I can provide the
resources and guidance you need, IF you decide you
want to do that.

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“How Can I Get My Spouse Into Therapy?”

There is a simple question to ask before you even try:

Should you get your marriage (and your spouse) into
therapy?

Let me be clear: there are some excellent marital

therapists out there. They do excellent work with
couples, and they can help your marriage.

Elsewhere, I have already noted the rather dismal

statistics around marital therapy. Now, let me tell
you the reasons why those statistics are so bad. One
has to do with therapists. The other has to do with
clients.

Therapist Problem: Remember when I noted that a

―Systems‖ approach to thinking about marriages and
families shifted me during college? I began to see the
family as a web of relationships affecting each other.
Which is a departure from individual psychology,
looking at the intrapsychic issues of people.

This is where it matters: any therapist can claim to be

a marital therapist. Regardless of training. And many
individual therapists decide to also see couples — but
they do not make a shift in their method. They end
up approaching the relationship as if it is just two
individuals involved. That approach is both
inaccurate and unhelpful (if not destructive).

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Capable marital therapists are trained as, well,

marital therapist. Their graduate training should be
as a marital and family therapist. Be sure and ask
about that.

Client Problems: There are a couple of problems that

clients bring into the session, which can also hamper
progress, if not cause deeper issues.

The first problem, and it is a major one, is dragging a

resistant spouse into therapy. To say that more
clearly, for therapy to work, BOTH of you need to be
willing and ready to address your problems. If you
want therapy to help you heal your marriage, you
both need to be ready to work on your relationship.

I can't say this strongly enough. If your spouse does

not want to go to therapy and does not want to work
on the marriage, do not try to coerce them. You will
only find yourself with a more resistant spouse, more
convinced that the marriage is doomed. They
practically convince themselves of that in therapy, as
they attempt to convince you and the therapist of the
same.

The second problem is how you use the session.

Many couples decide to simply use it as a venue for
fighting... presumably with a ―judge‖ (the therapist)
to decide who is right and who is wrong. Deep within
all of us, we want vindication. We want someone to
say, ―this isn't your fault.‖ And we tend to draw
others into the drama, in the hopes of finding a

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favorable judgment. A therapist is not a judge. And

therapy is not helpful as a venue of judgment.

If you are asking the question, ―How can I get my

spouse to go to marital therapy?‖, please note that
you likely have a resistant spouse (otherwise, they
would be in agreement to go to therapy). If you get
them there, you would want to make sure you found
the right therapist. And then, you would need to
make good use of the sessions. All are tall orders
when you start with a spouse who is dragging their
feet about therapy.

“How Can I Get Help, Then?”

It is interesting for me to often go through the

statistics of therapy, explain why therapy is an issue,
and then be asked about a recommendation for a
therapist. It tells me that we, as a culture, are deeply
therapized and psychologized. We automatically go
to therapy as the help.

And it can be, with the right therapist and the ready
spouse. But it can be destructive if your spouse is not
ready and the therapist is not right.

Does that mean you are out of luck? No. There are
other sources of help:

Coaching: As opposed to therapy (in marital

therapy, you need both people), coaching can be
done with only one person — the one wanting help.

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In fact, I do that type of coaching, and have a trained

team of coaches, working with clients when only one
spouse wants to work on things. (We also work with
couples, when both are ready to get their marriage
on-track.)

Retreats: Sometimes, a spouse will not be willing to

go to therapy, believing it would be too intimate a
space. But they are willing to go on a marriage
retreat. There are good retreats and bad retreats,
though. You want to check out any retreat, making
sure you agree with their methods and theories.

Workshops: These marriage workshops are often

held by organizations that provide excellent training
and tools for couples to use and solve their own
issues. And again, you want to make sure you agree
with method and theory.

Online courses or books: These resources are

easily accessible and can be effective. You do want to
make sure the approach you choose is legitimate and
not manipulative. But since there is no travel
involved, they are affordable and easy to access.

Quite frankly, this is why I created the Save The

Marriage System and why I wrote the books. I
wanted to put the tools and knowledge into the hands
of people who are ready to get going. One note: be
sure you are using information from someone who is
trained and experienced. Just because someone
saved their own marriage, that does not make them

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an expert in saving your marriage. Nor is someone

with an opinion, but lacking in true experience or
training.

Remember this: if your spouse is not ready, you can

still start acting. You can start the process, begin to
change your approach, and let the relationship start
to shift.

And if you need some help in assessing potential

help, I created a resource on Getting Help For Your
Marriage. I tell you how to assess a therapist, to see
if one might be a good fit, as well as how to best use
other methods of getting help.

You can get that resource right here

GETTING HELP FOR YOUR MARRIAGE :
https://savethemarriage.com/gethelp

“But When Did This All Start?”

First, let me say that I understand why you might ask

this question. But second, I want to be clear that this
question is rarely helpful. It gets us turned in the
wrong direction. It turns you back to the past. It is
about what has already happened. And what cannot
be changed.

Throughout this resource, I have tried to explain why

marriages get into trouble. Dynamically, the way they
get into trouble is similar across all hurting
marriages. The specifics may vary from couple to

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couple. But the underlying issues are incredibly

consistent.

And the crisis builds slowly. Which means that

finding the specific point of origin is pretty much
useless and impossible.

When you learn the dynamics at play, you can often

look back and see the places that the principles apply
You can see the way those dynamics are playing out
in your own relationship. Which is different than
finding the starting point. You are simply
highlighting how those dynamics are playing out in
your relationship.

The question, ―How did we get here?‖ is natural. But

it is better to decide, ―Here we are.‖ And then ask the
question, ―Now what?‖

You do need to understand the dynamics involved.

And then you need to find an approach that fixes the
underlying dynamics, bringing healing and
connection back into the relationship.

Let's talk some about resources that may help you

with help in the next chapter.

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 WHAT NOW?

M y goal in this book was to point out and

highlight why marriages get into trouble. To go
one step further, I have outlined why marriages fail
and end in divorce. If you are like me, you are
concerned on a macro-level about how many
divorces happen in our culture. My concern is about
how many of those divorces are unnecessary.

But that leads to your specific concern — how to keep

your own marriage from ending in divorce.

We have discussed the fact that marriages get into

trouble when the connection that sustains a
relationship falters and fails. That is often because
people struggle with becoming a WE, either because
they lack the knowledge, or they have fears that keep
them from stepping in. And often, it is a matter of
having hit the ―pause button.‖ People just don't
realize that relationships can't be paused — but they
try, anyway.

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And we now know that the disconnection can lead to

hurtful situations, including infidelity. We looked at
how affairs are not the cause, but a symptom of the
marital issues. Certainly, infidelity can multiply the
issues in a struggling marriage. But affairs more
highlight the disconnection that is present (and the
boundaries that are missing) in the marriage.

This book was designed to help you understand

―what happened?‖ But the next question, the one that
ultimately changes things, is ―what now?‖

Back in college, I enjoyed my class in anthropology

and archeology. It was interesting to learn about
what we can discover from digging up old artifacts.
We can surmise how a civilization came to be... and
how it crumbled. History is certainly informative and
can be entertaining. And it can help us decide how we
want to proceed. But in the end, any archeology site
is only digging up dead stuff. Life left long ago.

Don't get caught in the ―archeology dig‖ of your

marriage. Lean toward engineering... building
something. Once you know what went wrong, you
can move forward differently. You can build the
marriage you want and desire.

You can move forward. The question is whether you

will.

Which starts with you.

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You stand at a fork in the path. My guess is that

either you or your spouse have already decided that
going down the same path you have been on —
unhappily married — is not an option. One or both of
you may be seriously considering the fork that heads
toward divorce and dissolution. But don't be fooled
into thinking that is an easy or painless path. Nor
should you believe it is the only available path.

The other fork in the path takes you to a marriage

you both would treasure, enjoy, and protect. It may
be a very faint path from here... barely discernible.
And that is the thing: the path to divorce is well-
trodden. Plenty of people have walked right on down
it, not knowing there was another option. And
culture lines that path, making it seem clear and
simple (not helpful, healthy, or healing... but clear).

While you may not be able to see so clearly down the

other path, that fork toward a healed and healthy
marriage, it is there. It is a choice. And I would argue
that it is a better choice.

But only you can choose which fork to take.

I would like to just point to some of my other

resources that can be helpful to you, if you choose
that fork.

Podcast - The Save The Marriage Podcast:

This free podcast gives you lots of resources to help
you in your efforts. I cover the full range of marital

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crises, from early stages to late in the game. As of

publication of this book, there are well over 250
episodes for you to access and listen. To access the
Save The Marriage Podcast, go here:
http://SaveTheMarriage.com/stmblog or search for
it on your favorite podcast app.

Book - How To Save Your Marriage In 3

Simple Steps: This book describes my 3-step
process for saving a marriage — the 3 C's. Just to be
clear, ―simple‖ should not be confused with ―easy.‖
But in this book, I show you that saving a marriage is
not complicated. While there is effort involved, you
need to only focus on three areas. If you are
overwhelmed and confused, let's simplify and break
it down, so you know what to do. Go here to find it :
http://getbook.at/3ss.

Book - Recovering From The Affair: This book

gives you a path to healing after infidelity, whether it
was physical or emotional, and whether you
committed or suffered the affair. I discuss the
reasons behind infidelity, the power of an affair, and
the process of recovering from an affair. The book is
designed for couples to use, either individually or
together. Go here to find it: http://viewBook.at/
recover-from-affair .

Online Program - The Save The Marriage

System: This virtual program has been used by
almost 100,000 people around the world, over the

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last two decades, to save and rebuild their marriage.

It is designed to be used by one person, even if that
person is the only one who wants to save the
marriage. Many have said that the core module
should be read by anyone getting married. And it has
been instrumental in many marriages being restored
and improved. Since it is a digital program, it can be
accessed from anywhere in the world, from just about
any device. Go here to find it: http://Save
TheMarriage.com .

The resources are there, waiting for you. The help is

available. In addition to the listed resources, I have a
staff of coaches, all ready to help. I have a community
of people who are doing exactly what you are doing.

The starting point, though, is you. All the resources

in the world are useless without your first step. Your
marriage can be saved.

Will it? The way to find out is to get started.

I wish you well on your journey to save and restore

your marriage, making it a relationship that both you
and your spouse will protect and treasure.

And now, it is YOUR move....

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 ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Lee Baucom is the author and creator of many books

and programs. After training as a therapist, Lee
continued his training in life coaching. He is an
expert in the area of relationships and thriving.

The host of two podcasts, Dr. Baucom provides help,

coaching, and training to people around the world.
His efforts have allowed many people to rebuild their
marriages. And with his resources, many people have
found their purpose in life. He has helped marriages
and individuals to thrive.

In addition to his coaching and writing, Dr. Baucom

is Co-Principal of a worldwide coach training

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program. His efforts allow people to transition to

coaching careers, working as positive impactors in
the world.

Happily married for over three decades, Lee is also

the father of two adult children.

In his spare time, Lee enjoys trail running, paddle

boarding, scuba diving, and jiu jitsu training.

Find out more at amazon.com/author/Lee-H.-

Baucom-Ph.D.

Or visit http://leebaucom.com

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 OTHER RESOURCES
BY LEE H. BAUCOM, PH.D.
BOOKS:

How to Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps

http://getbook.at/3ss

Recovering from The Affair

http://viewBook.at/recover-from-affair

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Thrive Principles
http://TheThrivePrinciples.com

The Immutable Laws of Living

http://TheImmutableLawsOfLiving.com

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The Forgive Process

http://TheForgiveProcess.com

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PODCASTS:

The Save The Marriage Podcast

http://SaveTheMarriage.com/stmblog

The Thriveology Podcast

http://ThriveologyPodcast.com

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 CAN I ASK A FAVOR?

I f you enjoyed this book, found it useful or

otherwise, then I’d really appreciate it if you would
post a short review on Amazon. I do read all the
reviews personally so that I can continually write
what people are wanting.

If you’d like to leave a review, then return to where

you got the book.

Thanks for your support!

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