Florida Treasures

Grade 4 Student Book

Time for Kids Writing
Anchor Papers: Student Writing Samples

Grade 4 Unit 1 Writing: Expository

Score Point 2
saber day tio car
by Hector K.

mama en papi en me. we go saber day. we go saber day tio car.

go way of hous morrng. go fare on car tio.
mama tacos an the empanas.
veri mus gudd every.
mama en papi en veri mus hapy.
tio eet many mus empanas. is veri gudd.
is veri mus gudd every.

Focus—The writer demonstrates poor understanding of the purpose for writing.

The writing shows little or no involvement with the topic and does not address the
reader.
Organization—The writing shows no evident organizational pattern.
Support—Words and phrases are vague or inaccurate. The writer fails to support his
or her ideas with details.
Conventions—Sentences are fragmented, incomplete, or choppy. Significant errors in
spelling, mechanics, and usage impede comprehension.

What Does a Score Point 1 Paper Look Like?

Focus—The writer shows little understanding of the topic. The writing consists of a
fragmentary list of unrelated ideas, lacking sense of mode, purpose, and audience.
Organization—The writing lacks a logical progression of ideas.
Support—The writer’s choice of words is immature and unrelated to the topic. The
writing lacks details, even simple details such as “we go saber day [We went on
Saturday].”
Conventions—Significant errors in mechanics, spelling, and usage impede
comprehension of the response.

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Grade 4 Unit 1 Writing: Expository
Score Point 4
Everybody very tired
by Leslie R.

What a good vacashun. We are all back in the house. We ride in the
car from Texas to Florida agan. We are home. Everybody very tired now!
Where are my books for scool? I mus do my home work for
tomorrow. Nobody know where are my books. No, I don’t take the books
with me to Brownsville, Texas. Why you think that?
Then I find the books under the close I don’t take that I put on the
bed when I pack. I am happy to find the books I need for scool tomorrow.
I open the book and read direcshuns. I am glad I have a good vacashun.
Uncle Pablo he look so happy to see our family. Aunt Marta she very
happy too. What a good cook is Aunt Marta. I love to eat of her food. She
cook. All the time she is in the kitchen cooking. My family is very very
spechal. My family is very very important to me. Now everybody is home.
Now everybody is very much tired.
I do my home work for the scool tomorrow. It is after the vacation.
Tomorrow is scool.

Focus—Although the writer shows understanding of audience, the sense of purpose

shifts focus throughout the response. The unifying point is presented but not
maintained.
Organization—Information is presented out of logical order, skipping from the
period following the vacation to remembrances from the vacation and back again.
Support—The writer occasionally supports his or her ideas with details. Word choice
is weak and sometimes confusing.
Conventions—Errors in spelling, mechanics, and usage hamper enjoyment but not
understanding. Sentences are limited in type and length. Syntax problems are evident.

What Does a Score Point 3 Paper Look Like?

Focus—The writing is only minimally focused on the topic, with many unrelated
details. There is some sense of mode, purpose, and audience.
Organization—An attempt to organize is apparent but intermittent. There is a limited
use of transitional devices, such as the words “Then,” “Now,” and “Tomorrow.” The
expository element of the paper is weak.
Support—The writer’s choice of words is limited and predictable. There are few, if any,
details offered throughout the writing.

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Conventions—Frequent errors in mechanics, spelling, and usage generally do not
impede comprehension of the response.

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Grade 4 Unit 1 Writing: Expository
Score Point 5
Our Trip to the Grand Caniyon
by Kevin E.

One day I went to the Grand Caniyon with my family. We got into
the car to take a car trip to the Grand Caniyon. We could not drive all the
way becase it was too far away to go to the Grand Caniyon in one day. We
had to sleep in motels. The Grand Caniyon is very interesting. At sunset
the rocks get very bright. I will never forget the Grand Caniyon.
Now we are home at last! Can we all have pizza for dinner? Mom
says that is a very good idea. But it is not time for dinner yet. Maybe she
will call in a hour. Right now she asks us to bring our dirty landry from the
suitcases right now. Can we call our friends first to tell them that we are
home at least? Mom says no. After we bring the dirty cloths to the landry
room we can call our friends but not before. Oh, mom. Never you mind.
So first we bring the smelly landry all the way to the landry room
and past the living room where dad is in the recliner watching t.v. Then
we ask mom why is it that dad does not have to bring his dirty landry to
the landry room? No. He drove the car and needs to rest. So mom gets his
smelly landry for him and brings it to the landry room. Next we call our
friends. And in a little while we are going to have pizza.
Tomorrow morning mom will get Peanut Butter, Jelly and Graham.
That is our cocker spaniyal, our fat cat, and our ferit. They had to be
boarded while we took the car trip to the Grand Caniyon.

Focus—The writer demonstrates a solid awareness of audience and purpose.

Organization—The writer maintains a logical progression of main ideas and
supporting details.
Support—Transition words and descriptive words appropriate to the topic support
the main ideas throughout the response.
Conventions—The writer uses a variety of simple and complex sentences. There are
occasional errors in spelling, mechanics, and usage, but not enough to impede
communication.

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Grade 4 Unit 1 Writing: Expository
Score Point 6
The Vacation Is Definitely Over!
by Melanie N.

For a whole week, our family camped in an RV at Fort De Soto Park.

We went to the beach every day. We rode our bicycles along bike trails
and canoed along canoe trails. There was an actual fort there, so we
visited it and a museum, too! But the best part was the sea turtles. Mom
had signed us up to participate in a turtle release, and we helped a nest of
baby sea turtles reach the sea.
But that was last week. All that exciting stuff has already happened,
and the vacation is over. Today it’s just another rainy day back home. And,
despite the bad weather, I go back to taking Ms. Hernandez’s Irish Setters
for a walk at eleven o’clock and again at three. Shaunessy and O’Malley
will be happy to see me, but I just know that all the way to the park I’ll be
wishing I were guiding much smaller animals with flippers across a beach
and down to the ocean. Then I’ll have to brush the dogs and dry them
with towels. Wet Irish Setters are the worst! Next I’ll have to wipe up the
floor and give the dogs their snacks. Finally, I’ll have to let myself out
while they cry and jump up on me. But that’s not all. After supper, I’ll have
to sort the glass bottles and aluminum cans for the recycling pick-up
tomorrow.
No doubt about it. The vacation is definitely over!

Focus—The writer has developed a clear and focused explanation of the topic. There
is a strong sense of audience and purpose.
Organization—The writer maintains a logical organizational pattern from a strong
introduction to the final conclusion.
Support—The writer connects ideas effectively with transition words and chooses
precise descriptive words throughout the response.
Conventions—A strong command of spelling, grammar, capitalization, and
punctuation is evident. The writer varies sentence length and type to hold the reader’s
interest.

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Grade 4 Unit 2 Writing: Narrative
Score Point 2
I an heer on Miami
by Nelly B.

Kee wese is estreem final of the Florida. Can no mor go on the Florida than
Kee wese. The end. Is veri soud. Miami is omos estreem of the Florida.
More to the nort is Miami. Miami is by the osean Atlantic. I liv on Miami. It
big and veri veri mus persons in all the parts. Evribodys liv on Miami I sink.
Is my famly and many many otres famlys on Miami too. Miami is veri to liv
heer. I com heer in las setembre 17.

Focus—There is not enough focus on the topic. Most of the writing describes the
location of Miami rather than revealing the writer’s thoughts and feelings about a
personal experience there. There is a limited sense of audience and purpose
throughout the response.
Organization—The writing shows no organizational pattern.
Support—The writing lacks time-order words. Sentences are fragmented or run
together, making them very difficult to read. Ideas are not supported or connected.
Conventions—Significant errors in spelling, mechanics, and usage impede the
reader’s ability to comprehend what the author attempts to express.

What Does a Score Point 1 Paper Look Like?

Focus—The writer shows little understanding of the topic. The writing consists of a
fragmentary list of unrelated ideas, lacking sense of mode, purpose, and audience.
Organization—The writing lacks a logical progression of ideas.
Support—The writer’s choice of words is immature and unrelated to the topic. There
are few, if any, details.
Conventions—Significant errors in mechanics, spelling, and usage impede
comprehension of the narrative.

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Grade 4 Unit 2 Writing: Narrative
Score Point 4

The statsu of Liberty

by Jacques D.

The statsu of Liberty use to be in france. The statsu of Liberty is in

the united states now. This statsu was a gift from france to the united
states many many years ago.
The statsu of Liberty is in New York. The statsu of Liberty is also in
Florida. I have a statsu of Liberty in my room. My uncle give me the statsu
of Liberty as a gift from him from New York. He went to New York two
year ago. He went to china town and saw broadway what is a big street
with many cars and lots and lots of lights all over it. My uncle went to
many museum and the united nashuns and the empire state bilding. My
uncle send me poscards from New York in the mail and then he broght
me the statsu of Liberty himself. It is not very big this statsu. Not like the
real one. You can go inside the real one becase it is also like a bilding.
My uncle took a ride in a big boat when he went to New York that
goes around the statsu of Liberty. It is on a island. That is how big it is.
My uncle went to Puerto Rico las year but he did not bring me anything
back. Or maybe I forgot what my uncle broght me from Puerto Rico when
he went. I do not think he broght me anything thogh.

Focus—The writing relates a personal experience but lacks focus and detail. There is
insufficient disclosure of thoughts and feelings, and few sentences are written in the
first person.
Organization—Some events are told out of story order, impeding the reader’s ability
to enjoy the narrative.
Support—The writing lacks first-person pronouns and time-order words to guide the
reader through the piece.
Conventions—Errors in spelling, mechanics, and usage significantly hamper
comprehension.

What Does a Score Point 3 Paper Look Like?

Focus—The writing is only minimally focused on the topic, with many unrelated
details. There is some sense of mode, purpose, and audience.
Organization—An attempt to organize is apparent but intermittent. There is limited
use of transitional devices. The narrative elements of the paper are weak.

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Support—The writer’s choice of words is limited and predictable. There are few, if any,
details offered throughout the story.
Conventions—Frequent errors in mechanics, spelling, and usage generally do not
impede comprehension of the response. They do, however, impede the reader’s
enjoyment of the narrative.

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Grade 4 Unit 2 Writing: Narrative
Score Point 5
The Ring of Gold
by Josie G.

I am cuban american. My grandmother and my grandfather were

both born in the island of Cuba. They lef Cuba in a hurry when they lef.
They filled an aplicashun. They coud not take very much when they lef.
The goberment said do not take anything valuble to America. My
grandmother and my grandfather had to give their house and their lands
to the goberment of Cuba also.
My grandmother wanted very much to take a ring that her mother
had given her fron Cuba. Her grandmother had wore this ring in Spain.
So my grandmother thought and thought. She can wear only what
she has on. Nothing else can she bring with her. Especially she can wear
no jewlry. My grandmother naturally was very sad. Then she has a big
idea. My grandmother has a wonderful idea. She sewed her mothers ring
inside the bottom of her dress. When she lef Cuba with my grandfather
my clever grandmother had the precios ring of gold inside the hem of the
dress she wore.
Now I have this ring. I look at it and I think of my grandmother, and
of her mother in Cuba, and of her mother in Spain. And some day my
daugter, she will have this ring from me.

Focus—The writer discusses events in the first person and expresses thoughts and
feelings at logical points in the narrative. Throughout the response, the writer
demonstrates a strong sense of audience and purpose.
Organization—The unifying point is maintained throughout, and events are
discussed in the order in which they occurred.
Support—The writer uses a sufficient number of first-person pronouns and time-
order words to make the writing both entertaining and comprehensible. Word choice
is adequate but not precise.
Conventions—The writing contains simple and complex sentences which create a
natural rhythm and flow. Occasional errors in spelling, mechanics, and usage hamper
enjoyment but not comprehension.

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Grade 4 Unit 2 Writing: Narrative
Score Point 6
My Prize Possession
by Lincoln Q.

Some people possess very valuable items, such as fancy sports cars,
or diamond necklaces, or large screen high definition televisions. These
possessions are very special to their owners. You might even say that such
items were prize possessions.
I happen to have a prize possession, too, but you wouldn’t know it
to look at it. If you passed by it, you would probably just keep on going.
You might even say, “That ratty, old cap should be thrown out!”
My baseball cap is not all that nice to look at. After all, it is over ten
years old. Nevertheless, it is very special to me. It is not just any Marlins
baseball cap. It is, in fact, the cap my father bought at the stadium when
he went to see the seventh game of the World Series in 1997. That year
the Marlins had made the play-offs and were competing against the
Cleveland Indians. The game my father saw that day was decided in extra
innings on an Edgar Rentería single, which gave the Marlins the Series!
I wasn’t there, of course. My dad told me all about it, though.
Because I knew how much that Marlin’s cap meant to my dad,
I always took note of it when he wore it. One day last fall, when dad was
teaching me to pitch for Little League, he let me wear the cap. Over the
next few weeks, we would practice at the park, and each time I would
wear his Marlin’s cap. Then, when Billy Johnson got hurt and couldn’t
pitch our games, Coach gave the position to me. That is when my dad
gave me that cap to keep. It is, without a doubt, my prize possession.

Focus—The writer has written a clear, entertaining story, drawn from personal
experience and revealing thoughts and feelings about the events. There is a strong
sense of audience and purpose throughout the response.
Organization—With the aid of transitional devices, the events of the narrative unfold
in a logical, easy-to-follow sequence, demonstrating a planned organizational pattern.
From an engaging beginning to a conclusive end, the writer demonstrates a mature
use of narrative conventions.
Support—The writer’s word choice is precise, and ideas are amply supported with
rich, descriptive detail.
Conventions—The writer varies sentence types and lengths to create a pleasant
natural rhythm to the narrative. The writing demonstrates a firm command of
conventions of mechanics, spelling, and usage.

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Grade 4 Unit 3 Writing: Expository
Score Point 2
to sel a magzine
by Jan P.

Who wil red it? you shud no it furst. what is it abowt. If anywon intrested,
tells peepel abowt it. You lik spord magzine? If it for kids, culd sel it at
scool. Or also go arownd the nayborhood and tel peepul my favrite
magzine kids time. Cos won dolar.
I bys it sumtime. It is rel good magzine it has lots of pixtures and
comix. why I red it
You cud all so put ad in magzines at the liberry to

Focus—The response indicates a vague understanding of the purpose for writing.

Exposition demonstrates limited engagement with the topic and a weak sense of
audience.
Organization—No discernible organizational structure can be found. The progression
of ideas is illogical. The paper seems incomplete.
Support—Details are sparse and only loosely related to the writer’s points. Words and
phrases are vague or imprecise. Vocabulary is significantly below grade level.
Conventions—Sentences are fragmented, incomplete, or choppy. Significant errors in
spelling, mechanics, and usage impede comprehension.

What Does a Score Point 1 Paper Look Like?

Focus—The writer demonstrates little or no comprehension of the topic or purpose
for writing. The response consists of a fragmentary list of unrelated ideas and lacks a
sense of mode, purpose, and audience.
Organization—The progression of ideas is illogical. No organizational pattern is
evident.
Support—The writer’s choice of words is immature and irrelevant to the prompt. The
response lacks details, even simple details such as “If it for kids, culd sel it an scool [If it
is for kids, you could sell it at school]. ”
Conventions—Significant errors in mechanics, spelling, and usage impede
comprehension of the response. Only simple sentence structures have been
attempted, with numerous syntactical errors making the response all but unreadable.

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Grade 4 Unit 3 Writing: Expository
Score Point 4
How to Increase Sales for a Magazine
by Gabriel M.

If you want to sell more magazines you really have to know about it,
what it is about and who would maybe want to read it. So that is the first
thing, read it yourself. Unless you wrote it then you obviusly know. Once
my sister and me, us wrote some things and drew cartoons and made a
magazine, but it was just for fun.
The next thing is door to door, that’s where you go around to
houses and apardmints, you sell it right to the people. That’s probly the
best way, you get to tell about it, the people will know you are an expurt
on what is in the magazine. If you’re too shy you probably don’t like door
to door.
Also you can give free copies away. But then won’t make any
money.
The other thing is, to put an ad in the newspaper however this cost
money and maybe it won’t work. You could put the ad in the school
newspaper though, that doen’t cost.
The last thing I could think of is get your friends to go around and
hand it out. But make sure everyone pay or you will lose money.
So those are all ways to increase sales for your magazine.

Focus—The response includes some relevant information in the explanation; the

writing is generally focused on the topic, although some loosely related information is
included.
Organization—An organizational pattern is evident, although some information is
presented out of logical order. The writer has included transitional devices in some
areas of the response. The paper has a sense of wholeness.
Support—The word choice is adequate although sometimes vague. Sentences are
limited in pattern and length and may lack details in some areas of the response.
Conventions—Knowledge of the conventions of punctuation and capitalization is
demonstrated, and commonly used words are usually spelled correctly.

What Does a Score Point 3 Paper Look Like?

Focus—The writing is generally focused on the topic, but unrelated details appear
more frequently than in the paper with a score of 4 points. There is some sense of
mode, purpose, and audience.

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Organization—An organizational structure has been attempted, with observable
lapses. There is limited use of transitions. The expository element of the paper is weak.
Support—The writer’s choice of words is limited and predictable. There are few, if any,
details offered throughout the piece, as compared to the paper with a score of 4 [“The
next thing is door to door...”; “You could put the ad in the school newspaper...”].
Conventions—Frequent errors in mechanics, spelling, and usage occur, but generally
these do not impede comprehension of the response.

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Grade 4 Unit 3 Writing: Expository
Score Point 5
Getting Your Magazine Sold
by Carmen E.

There are a few different ways to get more copies of your magazine
sold. They have to do with getting the word out about how good the
magazine is. If people don’t know about it how can they buy it.
So the first thing to do is advertize. That means different things
depending on what you can pay, if you are in school you can’t really pay,
so think of another way to get the word out about what you’re selling.
Maybe make up some cool posters and put them up around school and
also in the neighborhood. Some people put their ads on the bulletin
board at the grosery store in town. That’s a good way to find buyers.
You also could make flyers and hand them out to kids at school.
Even teachers. On the flyers write the name of the magazine, what is costs,
and what kind of things it included. Make your posters or flyers very
colorful and clear. You want it to stand out.
If you work hard, you will surely get more buyers. People will tell
other people about the magazine and soon you will have many more
customers.

Focus—The writing demonstrates a solid awareness of audience and purpose. The

focus of the exposition is maintained throughout.
Organization—An organizational pattern is in place, with few lapses. The writing
generally demonstrates a logical progression of facts and details. Transitional devices
are used in some areas of the response to introduce points.
Support—A number of supporting details elaborate on the controlling idea. The
writer uses transition words and descriptive words and phrases appropriate to topic.
The exposition includes a variety of simple and complex sentences.
Conventions—The conventions of punctuation, capitalization, and spelling are
generally followed. Various sentence structures have been incorporated.

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Grade 4 Unit 3 Writing: Expository
Score Point 6
Increasing Magazine Sales
by Ramon H.

If you want to increase sales of your magazine, you have to

understand your market or audience. That is the way to make sure the
magazine gets to the readers who are really interested in what you have
to offer.
So the way to begin is test out the magazine on a number of
readers. You could give out free copies of one issue and in each copy,
include a survey. The point of the survey is to get information about
readers. For instance, you could ask them their age, their hobbies, and
what kinds of books and other magazines they enjoy. Also, leave a space
for them to write how they liked this issue of your magazine. You could
ask them what kinds of stories and articles they would like to see more of.
Now that you know who is interested in your magazine, you need
to figure out how to sell it to them. You might set up a table in the
schoolyard or playground. That way you can sell the magazines right to
your customers. You could also sell magazines by subscribtion but then
you would have to deliver the copies to each customer. Try each way, and
you will find out what works the best for you.
Once readers explore your exciting magazine, they will become
regular customers. Then you just have to be sure to keep them interested
from issue to issue!

Focus—The writer develops a clear and focused explanation of the topic. The paper
demonstrates a strong awareness of the audience and a clear and lively sense of
purpose. The focus is consistent.
Organization—There is a logical structure in place, from a strong introduction to the
conclusion. Transitional devices are used to introduce new points and show
movement within the text.
Support—The writer connects ideas effectively and elaborates with precise
descriptive words throughout the exposition. Examples are included where necessary.
Conventions—The writing demonstrates a strong command of spelling, grammar,
capitalization, and punctuation. Variation in the length and structure of sentences
makes for a readable style.

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Grade 4 Unit 4 Writing: Narrative
Score Point 2
Car that fly
by Haley S.

I wish a car that fly. Drive to.

I make a car with wings. Flies over the oshun, all round the wurld.
if I had it travul take us famly evrywere. My mom she come from a iland, us
culd fly her there, see her mother.
A long time ago just hors and waggen but a areplan fly fast. Travul today
so easier. Some might could make a boat car to drive plus sale.
Wish i had one? Thik evryone want it to. and my areplan car be easy to
driv. Anyon culd do it even kids.

Focus—Focus on the topic is intermittent. The writing lacks elements appropriate to a

narrative, such as an established setting and conflict, and there is a poor sense of
audience and purpose throughout the response.
Organization—The writing shows little evidence of an organizational pattern.
Transitional devices are lacking in most areas of the response. The paper seems
incomplete.
Support—Sentences are fragmented or run together, making them very difficult to
read. Ideas are seldom supported or connected to a controlling idea.
Conventions—Significant errors in spelling, mechanics, and usage impede the
reader’s ability to comprehend meaning. Pronoun and verb errors occur frequently.

What Does a Score Point 1 Paper Look Like?

Focus—The response demonstrates little connection with the topic. There is no
unifying statement such as “I wish [I had] a car that [could] fly.” The writing consists of
a fragmentary list of unrelated ideas, lacking sense of mode, purpose, and audience.
Organization—The writing lacks a logical progression of ideas. It is impossible to
identify an organizational pattern. There is a lack of transitional devices to show
movement in the text.
Support—The writer’s choice of words is immature and unrelated to the topic. There
are few, if any, details, even those as sparse as in the score point 2 paper: “I make
[would make] a car with wings. Flies [It would fly] over the oshun [ocean] [and] all
[a]round the world.”
Conventions—Significant errors in mechanics, spelling, and usage impede
comprehension of the narrative. Errors in subject-verb and subject-pronoun
agreement occur more frequently than in the paper with a score of 2 points.

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Grade 4 Unit 4 Writing: Narrative
Score Point 4
A Perfect Car
by Morgan V.

I would desine the perfect car for me. I told myself that one day in my lab.
This would be my challenge. I work at it for months and even years. My car
would have to be perfect in all ways.
I worked a lone because I couldn’t trust any one. They might steal
my invention. A car you even could live in but more better than a tralor.
Mine would be good because everything would get fold up when you
wasn’t using it. Like a eating table and chares. The furnature just pop up
when you hit the button.
I once saw a movie about people who live on the road, I think I’ll like
to do that to.
Finaly my car was ready, I had finish it to the last detale. The outside
was shiny red and the inside pure white. It looked like a regular car but
they would be surprise.
“Mom and Dad, here is your bran new car.” I took a bow. They climb
in.
“How nice it is” they told me! “It is a very large car too. Its a
comfortable ride.” In real life, our car is very old and needs lots of repares.
“Wait until you see more I said. I pushed a button, a little table
popped up. I pushed another and there was a small refrigurator. In a
hidden cabinat, some glasses and dishes. I pushed a button for the
televishon, we ate chicken and rice while watching tv.
“Where ever did you get this car, son” Dad asked me.
“It is my own invention,” I proudly say.

Focus—The writing relates a purposeful fictional plot but occasionally loses focus.
Some details are extraneous to the story line.
Organization—The narrative exhibits an organizational pattern, with several lapses
during which the writer slips from the fictional mode into personal narrative. Some
transitional words and phrases are used.
Support—The response contains supporting details in some areas. Word choice is
adequate but at times imprecise. The paper demonstrates a sense of wholeness.
Conventions—Knowledge of the conventions of punctuation and capitalization is
demonstrated; commonly used words are usually spelled correctly. Most sentences are
simple constructions, some of which are fragments or run-ons.

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What Does a Score Point 3 Paper Look Like?
Focus—The writing is more loosely focused on the topic than in the case of the score
4 paper. The writer demonstrates some sense of mode, purpose, and audience.
Organization—An attempt to organize details into a narrative pattern is apparent but
intermittent. There is limited use of transitional devices between events and
sentences. The narrative elements of the paper are weak.
Support—Word choice is limited and immature. Fewer relevant details are offered
throughout the story, in contrast to the paper with a score of 4 points [“Mine would be
good because everything would get fold (folded) up”; “I pushed another and there
was a small refrigurator. In a hidden cabinat, some glasses and dishes.” (...refrigerator.
In a hidden cabinet, there were some glasses...”].
Conventions—Frequent errors in mechanics, spelling, and usage generally do not
impede comprehension of the response. Some errors of agreement occur in the use of
pronouns and verbs.

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Grade 4 Unit 4 Writing: Narrative
Score Point 5
The Time Travel Car
by Leanne R.

Dr. Go they call me. I am an inventor with many strange ideas.

Maybe one of the strangest was the car that was really a time machine.
Here is the story of my amazing vehucle.
I was in my work shop one day. I was thinking that it would be good
to travel back to another time. A time when life was more simple and
people were mostly farmers. No, I would go even further back! I wanted to
see how the cave people were first living.
I spent months and months working on my invention, I had to read
many old books of science and magic. In my first attampt, I ended up only
back on the last Thursday. So I went back to work until I thought I had all
the problems fixed.
One Saturday morning I climb in my time travel car and pushed the
button. The room seemed spinning all around me. When it stopped, I was
sitting in the car—but the car was in the middle of a forest. I looked
around, I didn’t see anything I reckernized. Then suddenly some people
dressed in animal skins were coming toward me. They were waving
around sticks and yelling. Then I saw they were running past me, they
were chasing a big animal that looked like a bufalo.
I watched them hunting. They were not having good succes with
their chase. So I climbed out of the car and looked around for some sticks
and stones. I got out a tool kit and went to work. When I finished, I had a
bow and arrow made. When a cave man trotted past me I waved to him. I
pointed to the running bufalo, then pretended to shoot the arrow from
the bow. The cave man looked mixed up, but then he smiled and clapped
his hands.
I watched as the cave man aimed the arrow and got a hit. Now the
tribe would have meat. I decided not to wait because I knew there were
lots of other times, other people I would need to help. I got back in the car
and pushed the button.

Focus—The writer correctly employs first-person narration and expresses thoughts

and feelings at logical points in the narrative. Throughout the response, the writer

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demonstrates a strong sense of audience and purpose and a commitment to telling an
engaging story.
Organization—The unifying point is maintained throughout, and events are
discussed in the order in which they occurred. Transitional devices allow events to be
sequenced smoothly. A sense of wholeness is evident.
Support—The writer uses a sufficient number of first-person pronouns and time-
order words to make the writing both entertaining and comprehensible. Word choice
is adequate but may be imprecise. Some phrasings are repetitious.
Conventions—The writing contains simple and complex sentences which create a
natural rhythm and flow. Occasional errors in spelling, mechanics, and usage are noted
but do not impede the narrative flow. The writer generally forms agreement correctly
when using verbs and pronouns.

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Grade 4 Unit 4 Writing: Narrative
Score Point 6
A Dream Car
by Sam T.

Sunday morning, I picked up my best friends Raj and Paul. I knew

they’d be impressed by my new car—I’d invented it just a few weeks
before and nobody but myself had ever even seen it before today.
At a glance, the car was atractive: a pale green, like the color of new
spring leaves. Its shape was modern and graceful, and I’d built in a wide
sun roof to catch the rays. But that was nothing, as Raj and Paul would
soon discover. The magic of my dream car did not meet the eye.
They got a hint of my car’s abilities when we found ourselves stuck
for a minute or two in highway traffic.
“Now what!” Roger complained. “We’ll never get to the beach if
these cars don’t get moving.”
Maybe it was time for a demonstration.
“I hope your seat belts are on,” I said. I flipped a switch and the
green car glided up in the sky and flew like an eagle. After several miles, it
gently came down on the road near the beach.
“Wow, incredible!” Roger said.
“Am I dreaming?” asked Paul.
“No, unless I am too!” I replied with a laugh.
We spent the next few hours enjoying the beach. The sun was warm
and the sand sparkled. The water was just right for swimming. I could see
dozens of people out in the waves, enjoying the surf.
All at once, I knew something was wrong. I saw a boy struggling in
the deep water. Nobody else seemed to notice, but I could tell he was in
trouble.
I dashed to my car and switched on the engine. A flip of the switch,
and the car was sailing over the sand and the waves. I made sure I was
directly over the struggling swimmer. I pushed a button and a rope ladder
discended. The boy grabbed the rope and I pulled him up into the car. He
was shivering, so I put a towel around his shoulders.
“Are you okay?”
“I am now,” the boy said. “But I don’t know whether I could have
made it back to shore myself. I got a bad cramp in my leg.” Then he
seemed to realize he had just been saved by a flying car.
“Where on earth did you get this machine?” he gasped.

© Macmillan/McGraw-Hill Page 21 of 34
 “Oh, I just made it in my spare time,” I said modistly. “Here, have a
sandwich. My mom just invented a new kind...”

Focus—The writer has written a clear, entertaining story, using both fantasy and a
first-person narrator with sense of humor. There is a strong awareness of audience and
purpose throughout the response.
Organization—The story demonstrates a mature use of narrative conventions. An
engaging story line presents events and details in chronological order with
appropriate transitions. The story contains a setting, rising action, conflict, and
resolution.
Support—The writer’s word choice is precise and ideas are amply supported with
descriptive details. Figurative language is employed in several instances to enrich the
style.
Conventions—The writer varies sentence types and lengths to create a smoothly
flowing narrative. The story demonstrates a firm command of conventions of
mechanics, spelling, and usage. The writer forms agreement correctly when using
verbs and pronouns.

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Grade 4 Unit 5 Writing: Expository
Score Point 2
Columbis Explore
by Manny E.

Columbis explore America he saled in three ships. he cam and saw new
land. Not what he thinking wen he said, it was not India, others cam aftur
him
To be an explore is a hard thing, its a hard trip akross seas and land. You
has to be brave its not like travul today
Columbis a braev man. He look for spices root to India but find America

Focus—The writer demonstrates limited understanding of the purpose for writing.

The writing shows little or no involvement with the topic, and the focus is intermittent.
Organization—The writing shows no evident organizational pattern. Transitional
devices are lacking. The paper seems incomplete.
Support—Words choice is vague or inaccurate. The writer generally fails to support
his or her ideas with relevant details.
Conventions—Sentences are fragmented, incomplete, or choppy. Significant errors in
spelling, mechanics, and usage impede comprehension. Some adjectives are used, but
these are repetitive.

What Does a Score Point 1 Paper Look Like?

Focus—The writer shows little or no understanding of the purpose for writing. The
focus is not clearly established.
Organization—No organizational structure is evident. The writing lacks a logical
progression of ideas. The paper seems markedly incomplete.
Support—The writer’s choice of words is immature and unrelated to the topic. The
writing lacks details, even such basic details as “...its a hard trip akross seas and land
[It’s a hard trip across sea and land]” or “He look for a spices root to India but find
America [He looked for a spice route to India but found America].”
Conventions—Significant errors in mechanics, spelling, and usage impede
comprehension of the response. Descriptive words such as adjectives are lacking.
Syntactical and grammatical errors are numerous.

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Grade 4 Unit 5 Writing: Expository
Score Point 4
My Grandfather, Explorer
by Corazon S.

You could say my grandfather is an explorer, he always likes to go

new places, see new things. One thing he really likes is to take trips. He
picks places most dont go.
Like this one year, he went to a jungle and lived with a tribe. Who
don’t follow modurn ways. He got along with them very good. He started
doing these trips when he stopped working at his ofice.
Then another time he went to a desert. Wanted to see how people
survives there. He even learned to ride a camal!
Sometimes he send us funny letters and cards. I have one with him
on the camal. My mom rides horses but she said, never a camal.
I always tell him “Grandpa, you should write a book about your
explores.” He says maybe one day when he really gets too old he will.
Then he’ll stay home and write his book. I think he should write about this
one trip to an ilund where he learned to catch a fish with a pole and he
lived mostly on fishes and fruits. That would make some story.

Focus—The response includes relevant information; the writing is generally focused

on the topic, although some loosely related information is included.
Organization—An organizational pattern is demonstrated, although information is
not always presented in logical order. Transitional devices are included in some areas
of the response. The paper exhibits a sense of wholeness.
Support—The word choice is adequate although sometimes vague; adjectives are
used in some sentences. Ideas are supported by details in some areas of the response
but may be lacking elsewhere.
Conventions—Knowledge of the conventions of punctuation and capitalization is
demonstrated, and commonly used words are usually spelled correctly. There is some
attempt to incorporate a variety of sentence structures, but most are simple
constructions.

What Does a Score Point 3 Paper Look Like?

Focus—The writing is mainly focused on the topic, but unrelated details distract from
coherence more so than in the paper with a score of 4 points. There is some sense of
mode, purpose, and audience.

© Macmillan/McGraw-Hill Page 24 of 34
Organization—An organizational pattern is evident, with lapses. Transitions are used
in a few areas of the response. The paper lacks a sense of completeness.
Support—Vocabulary is predictable and repetitive. Adjectives are used sparsely. Few
details are included, in comparison with the paper scored at 4 points: “...he went to a
desert.... He even learned to ride a camal (camel)!”
Conventions—Errors in mechanics, spelling, and usage occur more frequently than in
the paper with a score of 4 but generally do not impede comprehension.

© Macmillan/McGraw-Hill Page 25 of 34
Grade 4 Unit 5 Writing: Expository
Score Point 5
Dan the Explorer
by Mitchell G.

Of all my friends, Dan is the most adventurous. You would say he is

even an explorer. There is nothing he does not want to see and find out
about. Even if it is difficult to do it.
When Dan and me first met, we were both new kids at school. I was
worried about getting lost in the huge building, but Dan thought it was
fun, learning how to get around. He quickly found all the shortcuts to the
various rooms. I followed him so I wouldn’t get confused. Of course, I
sometimes did anyway. His family always counts on him to read maps
when they go on long car trips.
Dan’s skills as an explorer came in handy on the scouts camping trip
last summer. I’ve been a scout for two years. We were divided into small
groups and given a compas and a simple map, we had to find our way
back to base camp. At first the sun was shining brightly, but then it started
to get cloudy. A heavy fog appeared within minutes.
The nervous group all looked at Dan. He wasn’t in the least bit
worried. Using his exact memory and helped by the compas, he led us to
base camp. The troop leader was concerned about us. When he heard
Dan’s cheerful whistling, he laughed and said, “I guess I didn’t have to
worry about any group with you in it, Dan!”
It is not surprising that Dan wants to be an archeoligist when he
grows up. I bet he will make some amazing discoveries.

Focus—The writing demonstrates comprehension of audience and purpose. The

focus of the exposition is maintained throughout.
Organization—The organizational structure has few lapses, and the writing generally
demonstrates a logical progression of facts and details. Transitional devices are used in
some areas of the response to signal movement within the exposition.
Support—Supporting details elaborate on the ideas and events throughout the
response. The writer uses transition words and descriptive details in many areas of the
response.
Conventions—The conventions of punctuation, capitalization, and spelling are
generally followed. The exposition includes a variety of simple and complex
sentences.

© Macmillan/McGraw-Hill Page 26 of 34
Grade 4 Unit 5 Writing: Expository
Score Point 6
She Explored Outer Space
by Antonia S.

Mae Jemison is the kind of modern explorer that I admire. I’ve

known about Jemison since second grade, when I read a biography about
her. Jemison was the first African American woman in space. Most parts of
our planet have already been explored. So adventurous people like Mae
Jemison travel to the stars.
Jemison was a little girl growing up in the 1960s. She wanted to be
a doctor, but she also wanted to be an astronaut. The 1960s were an
important time in space exploration. Many children must have been eager
to join spaceship crews.
She did become a doctor and used her skills in the Peace Corps. She
went to West Africa to help the sick people. After that, she came back to
America and worked as a doctor here.
Then Jemison got her chance to be an astronaut. She convinced
NASA that she should be part of a crew. She trained for the flight for many
months. At last she boarded the spaceship Endeavor for a week in outer
space.
I think Jemison’s story teaches us something important. If you are
curious and daring, you can reach your goals. Jemison is an explorer of the
universe.

Focus—The response provides a clear and focused explanation of the topic. The writer
demonstrates a keen sense of purpose and audience. The focus is consistent.
Organization—There is logical structure in place, from introduction to conclusion.
Transitional devices are used to introduce new points or show movement within the
text. The paper has a sense of wholeness.
Support—The writer connects ideas effectively and elaborates with precise
descriptive words throughout the exposition. Details are used to support key points.
Conventions—The writing demonstrates a strong command of spelling, grammar,
capitalization, and punctuation. Variation in the length and structure of sentences
makes for a fluid piece of writing.

© Macmillan/McGraw-Hill Page 27 of 34
Grade 4 Unit 6 Writing: Story
Score Point 2
Camp
by Jeremy R.

When I start camp I din’t like it or do what the conslor say I want go home.
They told my muther a bout the camp. Wood skeer me and missing my
famly. My sistur she small and dont have go yet. I pritend I get sick and
stayd in the bunk. I did that two days then one of the conslors he sayed
Jeremy we are tosting marchmelows and you will like it. I do like
marchmelows so I camed out. Befur I jus stayd home with my sisturs. It
was fun. So I tryed more things. Like raft and hikeing. I like camp than. I
will go next year. if I can

Focus—The response demonstrates an intermittent focus on the topic. The writer

does share some thoughts and feelings about a personal experience but lapses into
irrelevance at times.
Organization—The writing shows a weak organizational pattern and does not
demonstrate a sense of wholeness. Transitional devices are generally lacking.
Support—Development of the supporting ideas is inadequate. Word choice is limited
and uncertain. The writer offers little elaboration in most areas of the response.
Conventions—Significant errors in spelling, mechanics, and usage impede the
reader’s ability to comprehend the writer’s intent.

What Does a Score Point 1 Paper Look Like?

Focus—The writer demonstrates a weak grasp of the topic. The response consists of a
fragmentary list of unrelated ideas, indicating that a sense of purpose and audience is
lacking.
Organization—The response does not show a logical progression of ideas and has no
discernible organizational structure. The writer does not provide transitions between
events and sentences.
Support—Word choice is immature and often unrelated to the topic. Details about
events and feelings are sparse or nonexistent. It is difficult to distinguish fact from
opinion. Even such sparse elaboration as “I do like marchmelows so I camed out [I do
like marshmallows so I came out]” is lacking.
Conventions—Significant errors in mechanics, spelling, and usage impede
comprehension of the narrative.

© Macmillan/McGraw-Hill Page 28 of 34
Grade 4 Unit 6 Writing: Story
Score Point 4
A Hard Climb
by Kimberly T.

A new experience I had was mountain climbing. I went with my

friend’s family, they already did it a lot of times before. We went to the
Vermont mountains where they have a summer cabin. A very nice cabin
with a little kitchen and cots. So they do a lot of climbing from there.
In the mountains its beautiful. But I never did climb before so I was
scared. Laura’s father told me it was not so hard and they would help me.
So I guessed I would try it.
Mt. Mansfield is a high mountain, its about a little less than 5000
feet. You can get up it a lot of different ways. They’re are easier and harder
trails. We did the Long Trail. The first part of the hike was not so bad, but
then the leges got pretty steep! Laura’s mom and dad had to help Laura
and I over some places.
We went up by Smuggler’s Notch. They call it that because I think
you can easily hide up there. The view once we got to the top was really
pretty.
Laura’s mom told me that so many people are hiking on the
mountain it could actually be bad for the envirment. You have to be
careful where you walk, you don’t want to harm the plants or trees. They
know what they are doing though.
When we got to the top of the peek it was beautiful. We ate our
lunch up there and looked around. I won’t menshun getting down
because it was so hard you could slip and fall. But we did make it and I was
pretty tired. But I would do it again.

Focus—The writing relates a personal experience but occasionally includes loosely

related material. In general, focus is sustained throughout.
Organization—The narrative exhibits an organizational pattern, with several lapses in
the presentation of events. Transitional words and phrases are used in some areas of
the response.
Support—Supporting details are used in some areas of the narrative. Word choice is
adequate but at times vague or repetitious. Facts and opinions are used to support the
topic.

© Macmillan/McGraw-Hill Page 29 of 34
Conventions—Knowledge of the conventions of punctuation and capitalization is
demonstrated; commonly used words are usually spelled correctly. Most sentences are
simple constructions, with some syntactical errors noted.

What Does a Score Point 3 Paper Look Like?

Focus—The writing is more loosely focused on the topic than in the case of the score
point 4 paper. The writer includes some irrelevant information.
Organization—The organizational pattern is sometimes interrupted. There is limited
use of transitional devices between events and sentences. A sense of completeness is
not demonstrated.
Support—Word choice is limited and immature. The writer does not provide many
details, in contrast to the paper with a score of 4 points: “Mt. Mansfield is a high
mountain, its [mountain; it’s about a little less than 5000 feet”; “...it could actually be
bad for the envirment (environment)”; “When we got to the top of the peek [peak] it
was beautiful.”
Conventions—Frequent errors in mechanics, spelling, and usage generally do not
impede comprehension of the response. However, errors are more numerous in the
paper with a score of 4 points.

© Macmillan/McGraw-Hill Page 30 of 34
Grade 4 Unit 6 Writing: Story
Score Point 5
Living on the Water
by Ronnie P.

Last summer I visited my cousin in California. They live on a

houseboat in Sausalito. That’s a little town just across the bay from San
Francisco. It was a really interesting experience.
“Come aboard!” my cousin John called out. Uncle Jay helped with
the bags. I stepped off the dock and onto their “driveway,” that was a
wood walkway to the front door.
“Come on in,” said my Aunt Sue, and gave me a hug. “What do you
think? Does our house look like yours?”
Actually it did in a way. It had a kitchen, a living area, a bathroom,
and bedrooms. There were the kinds of chairs and sofas just like
anywhere.
But in other ways it seemed odd to me, for example there was no
backyard to play catch in. I said so to my cousin. He said, “Oh yeah but you
can catch a fish instead!”
That was sure true. A lot of fishing goes on in that comunity. Some
people just drop a line over the dock, when they get hungry for fish.
“We can always go to the park if you want to play ball,” John told
me.
I wondered why they lived on the water in the first place. Uncle Jay
said it’s because they like to think they could travel when they want to.
Just pick up the anchor and off they go. Another reason is they always
loved boats, they knew that one day they would try to live on one. I guess
their neighbors feel the same way.
After a few days I got used to the slight rocking feeling that
happened sometimes. There was something kind of safe and cozy about
being on the water but not in it.
The thing I’ll never forget is looking out the bedroom window one
day. Floating right under my window was more birds than you can
believe—ducks, eggrets, and pelicans.
“That’s something you don’t see from your bedroom window back
home!” my cousin laughed.

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Focus—The writer recounts events in the first person as appropriate to the narrative
form. Throughout the response, the writer demonstrates a sense of audience and
purpose and maintains focus.
Organization—The organizational pattern is sound, and events are discussed in the
order in which they occurred. Transitional devices are present to signal movement in
the text. The narrative has a sense of wholeness.
Support—Word choice is adequate but may sometimes lack precision. Some
repetition occurs. The writer offers factual information and personal reactions at
various points in the story and provides details to elaborate upon events and
observations.
Conventions—The writing contains simple and complex sentences to create a natural
rhythm and flow. Occasional errors in spelling, mechanics, and usage are noted, but
do not impede the narrative flow. The writer generally forms agreement correctly
when using verbs and pronouns.

© Macmillan/McGraw-Hill Page 32 of 34
Grade 4 Unit 6 Writing: Story
Score Point 6
Grandmother Nell
by Paul W.

The first time I visited my grandmother, I had just turned seven. It

was a warm July morning when I followed my father along a quiet lane to
a small house with white shutters.
“She’ll be outdoors at this time of day,” my father guessed.
He was right—there was Grandmother Nell in jeans and a blue shirt,
kneeling in the soft grass, poking around in some weeds climbing up the
side of her house. Her white hair was short and she wore big hoop
earrings.
She smiled to see us and stood up slowly. We’d traveled for hours to
get here. Grandmother lived hundreds of miles from us, in the place
where Dad grew up. Now he was home for visit, bringing me with him. I
didn’t know exactly what to expect. Dad always said his mother was not
the usual sort of mom. She had never baked cookies or knitted sweaters.
The house was a surprise. The walls of the downstairs were covered
with wooden masks and woven rugs. On the floor stood tall carvings of
people and animals. Where most people kept their fancy dishes,
Grandmother kept her thousands of books. Some looked a little dusty. I
went over to examine a wooden spear with a sharp stone tip and feathers
on the other end.
“That’s a very old object, Paul,” Grandmother told me. “It was made
in southern Africa, hundreds of years ago—careful, it’s still sharp.”
She told me about some of the other rare and precious things in her
collection. I knew she had traveled around the world, that she was some
kind of scientist. Now I understood just how much she knew, and I loved
listening. She told me about the people who lived on Fiji and about the
Masai, mighty African warriors. Dad smiled and dusted the books on the
top row of one shelf.
“You must miss traveling around to all these places,” I said.
“Well, in fact, I’ll be going to Borneo next month,” Grandmother Nell
said. “You and your dad are welcome to join me.”
I looked with amazement at my dad’s unusual mom. She didn’t
bake cookies or knit sweaters. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to have
her as my grandmother.

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Focus—The writer presents a lively first-person narrative and shows a firm
understanding of purpose and audience. Focus is consistently maintained throughout
the story.
Organization—The organizational pattern is sound, and events are discussed in the
order in which they occurred. Transitional devices signal movement in the text. The
narrative has a sense of wholeness.
Support—Word choice is precise and sophisticated. The writer weaves factual
information into the narrative and provides details to elaborate upon events and
observations.
Conventions—The writing contains simple and complex sentences which create a
natural rhythm and flow. The writer demonstrates mastery of all conventions.

© Macmillan/McGraw-Hill Page 34 of 34