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Interpersonal Communication 6e Ch02

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Interpersonal Communication 6e Ch02

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Azri Razak

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2

Interpersonal
Communication
and Self

Objectives

1 Define,
2 Identify
compare, and contrast self-concept and
self-esteem.
factors that shape the development of
your self-concept.

3 List and describe strategies for improving your

self-esteem.

4 Describe how your self-concept affects your

relationships with others.

5 Identify the effects of your communication style on

your relationships with others.

Outline
• Self-Concept: Who You Think You Are
• Self-Esteem: Your Self-Worth
• Facework: Communicating Your Positive Image of
Yourself to Others
• How to Improve Your Self-Esteem
• Self and Interpersonal Relationships
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P hilosophers suggest that there are three basic ques-

tions to which all people seek answers: (1) “Who am
I?” (2) “Why am I here?” and (3) “Who are all these oth-
People tell themselves
ers?” In this chapter, we focus on these essential questions stories and then pour their
about the self. We view them as progressive. Grappling
with the question of who you are and seeking to define a lives into the stories they tell.
purpose for your life are essential to understanding others
and becoming other-oriented in your interpersonal com- Anonymous
munication and relationships.
Fundamentally, all your communication starts or ends with you. When you are
the communicator, you intentionally or unintentionally code your thoughts and emo-
tions to be interpreted by another. When you receive a message, you interpret the
information through your own frame of reference. Your self-image and self-worth, as
well as your needs, values, beliefs, and attitudes, serve as filters for your communica-
tion with others. As you establish and develop relationships, you may become more
aware of these filters and perhaps want to alter them. A close relationship often pro-
vides the impetus for change.
To understand the role that self-concept plays in interpersonal communication,
we will explore the first two basic questions—“Who am I?” and “Why am I here?”—in
an effort to discover the meaning of self. We will examine the multifaceted dimen-
sions of self-concept, learn how it develops, and compare self-concept to self-esteem.
Then we will move to the third basic question, “Who are all these others?” What you
choose to tell and not tell others about yourself reveals important clues about who you
are, what you value, and how you relate to another person.

Self-Concept: Who You Think You Are

You can begin your journey of self-discovery by doing the exercise in Building Your
Skills: Who Are You?
How did you answer the question “Who are you?” Perhaps you listed activities in
which you participate, or groups and organizations to which you belong. You may
have listed some of the roles you assume, such as student, child, or parent. All these
things are indeed a part of your self, the sum total of who you are. Psychologist Karen
Horney defines self as “that central inner force, common to all human beings and yet
unique in each, which is the deep source of growth.”1
Your answers are also part of your self-concept. Your self-concept is your subjec-
tive description of who you think you are—it is filtered through your own percep-
tions. For example, you may have great musical talent, but you may not believe in it
enough to think of yourself as a musician. You can view self-concept as the labels you
consistently use to describe yourself to others. self Sum total of who a person is;
Who you are is also reflected in the attitudes, beliefs, and values that you hold. a person’s central inner force.
These are learned constructs that shape your behavior and self-image. An attitude is a self-concept A person’s subjective
learned predisposition to respond to a person, object, or idea in a favorable or unfa- description of who he or she is.
vorable way. Attitudes reflect what you like and what you don’t like. If you like school, attitude Learned predisposition to
butter pecan ice cream, and your brother, you hold positive attitudes toward these respond to a person, object, or idea
things. You were not born with a fondness for butter pecan ice cream; you learned to in a favorable or unfavorable way.
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like it, just as some people learn to enjoy the taste of snails, raw fish, or pureed turnips. belief Way in which you structure
Beliefs are the way in which you structure your understanding of reality—what is your understanding of reality—what
true and what is false for you. Most of your beliefs are based on previous experience. is true and what is false for you.

Building Your Skills Who Are You?

Consider this question: Who are you? I am I am

More specifically, ask yourself this ques-
_____________________________________ _____________________________________
tion ten times. Write your responses in
the spaces provided here or on a sepa- I am I am
rate piece of paper. It may be challeng- _____________________________________ _____________________________________
ing to identify ten aspects of yourself.
I am I am
The Spanish writer Miguel de Cervantes
said, “To know thyself . . . is the most _____________________________________ _____________________________________
difficult lesson in the world.” Your I am I am
answers will help you begin to explore
your self-concept and self-esteem in _____________________________________ _____________________________________
this chapter. I am I am

_____________________________________ _____________________________________

You believe that the sun will rise in the morning and that you will get burned if you
put your hand on a hot stove.
How are attitudes and beliefs related? They often function quite independently of
each other. You may have a favorable attitude toward something and still believe negative
things about it. You may believe, for example, that your school football team will not win
the national championship this year, although you may be a big fan. Or you may believe
that God exists, yet not always like what you think God does or does not do. Beliefs have
to do with what is true or not true, whereas attitudes reflect likes and dislikes.
Values are enduring concepts of good and bad, right and wrong. Your values are
more resistant to change than either your attitudes or your beliefs. They are also more
difficult for most people to identify. Values are so central to who you are that it is dif-
ficult to isolate them. For example, when you go to the supermarket, you may spend a
few minutes deciding whether to buy regular or cream-style corn, but you probably
do not spend much time deciding whether you will steal the corn or pay for it. Our
values are instilled in us by our earliest interpersonal relationships; for almost all of us,
our parents shape our values.
The model in Figure 2.1 illustrates that values are central to our behavior and
concept of self and that what we believe to be true or false stems from our values;
value Enduring concept of good that’s why values are in the center of the model. Attitudes are at the outer edge of the
and bad, right and wrong. circle because they are the most likely to change. You may like your coworker today

RECAP Who You Are Is Reflected in Your Attitudes, Beliefs, and Values
Definition Dimensions Example
Attitude Learned predisposition to respond favorably Likes–Dislikes You like ice cream, incense, and cats.
or unfavorably to something
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Belief The way in which you structure reality True–False You believe that your parents love you.
Value Enduring concepts of what is right and wrong Good–Bad You value honesty and truth.

but not tomorrow, even though you believe the person will come to work
every day and you still value the concept of friendship. Beliefs are between
attitudes and values in the model because they are more likely to change
than our core values but don’t change as much as our attitudes (likes and
dislikes).

Are You Conscious of Who You Are? Va l u e s

Do you know what you’re doing right now? “Of course,” you may think,
Beliefs
“I’m reading this textbook.” But are you really aware of all of the fleeting
thoughts bouncing in your head, whether you’re truly happy or sad, or
even whether you may be twiddling a pencil, jiggling your leg, or in need Attitudes
of a snack? To be aware of who you are and what you may be thinking
about is a more involved process than you may think. To be self-aware is FIGURE 2.1
to be mindful. Mindfulness is the ability to consciously think about what
Values, Beliefs, and Attitudes
you are doing and experiencing, rather than responding out of habit or in Relation to Self
intuition.2 If you’ve ever talked on the phone while driving (something
illegal in many states), you may not have been mindful of, or consciously
thinking about, where you were driving. Researchers have described three ways of
being self-aware, or conscious of who you are and what you are doing: subjective self-
awareness, objective self-awareness, and symbolic self-awareness.3

Subjective Self-Awareness. Subjective self-awareness is the ability that peo-

ple have to differentiate themselves from their environment. You are a separate being
apart from your surroundings. It is so basic an awareness that it may even seem not
worth talking about. You know, for example, that you’re not physically attached to the
chair you may be sitting in. You are a separate entity from all that is around you.

Objective Self-Awareness. Objective self-awareness is the ability to be the

object of our own thoughts and attention. You have the ability to think about your
own thoughts as you are thinking about them. (Some research suggests that some pri-
mates also have this ability.) Not only are you aware that you’re separate from your
environment (subjective self-awareness), but you can also ponder the distinct
thoughts you are thinking. Of course, objective self-awareness, like subjective self-
awareness, can be “turned on” and “turned off.” Sometimes you are aware of what
you are thinking, sometimes you’re unaware of what you are thinking or on what you
are focusing.
mindfulness The ability to
consciously think about what
Symbolic Self-Awareness. Symbolic self-awareness, unique to humans, is you are doing and experiencing.
our ability not only to think about ourselves but to use language (symbols) to repre-
sent ourselves to others. For example, you have the ability to think about how to make subjective self-awareness
Ability to differentiate the self
a good impression on others. In an effort to make a positive impression on someone, from the social and physical
you may say, “Good evening, Mrs. Cleaver. You look nice this evening” rather than environment.
just saying, “Hi ya.” You make conscious attempts to use symbols to influence the way
objective self-awareness
you want to be perceived by others. Ability to be the object of one’s
A four-stage model of how aware or unaware we are of what we are doing at any own thoughts and attention—to
given moment has been attributed to psychologist Abraham Maslow. This framework be aware of one’s state of mind
has also been used to explain how individuals develop communication skills. and that one is thinking.
symbolic self-awareness
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Stage 1: Unconscious incompetence. You are unaware of your own incompetence.

Uniquely human ability to think
You don’t know what you don’t know. For example, at one point in your life you about oneself and use language
didn’t know how to ride a bicycle and you didn’t even realize that you were miss- (symbols) to represent oneself to
ing this skill. You were unconsciously incompetent about bicycle-riding skills. others.

Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others, Sixth Edition, by Steven A. Beebe, Susan J. Beebe and Mark V. Redmond. Published by Allyn & Bacon.
Copyright © 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc.
Stage 2: Conscious incompetence. At this level, you become aware or
conscious that you are not competent: You know what you don’t
know. Continuing our example, at some point you realized that
others could ride a bike and you could not. You became conscious
of your incompetence with regard to bicycle-riding.
Stage 3: Conscious competence. You are aware that you know some-
Peter Blake, “Self-Portrait with Badges,” © 1961. Tate Gallery, London/Art Resource, NY.

thing, but applying it has not yet become a habit. When you first
learned to ride a bike, if you’re like most people, you had to con-
centrate on keeping your balance and focus on riding forward
without falling over.
© 2009 Artists Rights Society (ARS), New York/DACS, London

Stage 4: Unconscious competence. At this level, your skills become

second nature to you. Now you don’t have to mentally review how
to ride a bike every time you hop on one. You are unconsciously
competent of how to ride a bicycle; you just get on and automati-
cally start pedaling. The same could be said about tying your
shoes; you don’t have to think about how to tie your shoes; you
just do it without thinking about each step. These same four stages
explain how you learn any skill, from riding a bike to enhancing
the interpersonal communication skills we discuss in this book.

One or Many Selves?

Shakespeare’s famous line “To thine own self be true” suggests that
Peter Blake sought to explore his self-dimensions by
painting his self-portrait. What qualities does this self- you have a single self to which you can be true. But do you have just
portrait reveal about the artist? one self? Or is there a more “real you” buried somewhere within?
Most scholars conclude that each of us has a core set of behaviors,
attitudes, beliefs, and values that constitutes our self—the sum total of who we are. But
our concept of self can and does change, depending on circumstances and influences.
In addition, our self-concept is often different from the way others see us. We
almost always behave differently in public than we do in private. Sociologist Erving
Goffman suggests that, like actors and actresses, we have “on-stage” behaviors when
others are watching and “backstage” behaviors when they are not.4 Goffman writes
that “often what talkers undertake to do is not to provide information to a recipient
but to present dramas to an audience. Indeed, it seems that we spend most of our time
not engaged in giving information but in giving shows.”5 With an audience present,
whether it’s one person or several, you adapt and “perform.”
Perhaps the most enduring and widely accepted framework for describing who
we are was developed by the philosopher William James. He identified three classic
components of the self: the material self, the social self, and the spiritual self.6

The Material Self. Perhaps you’ve heard the statement “You are what you eat.”
The concept of the material self goes a step further by suggesting that “You are what
you have.” The material self is a total of all the tangible things you own: your body,
your possessions, your home. As you examine your list of responses to the question
“Who are you?” note whether any of your statements refer to one of your physical
attributes or something you own.
One element of the material self gets considerable attention in this culture: the
ISBN 0-558-82929-5

body. Do you like the way you look? Most of us, if we’re honest, would like to
material self Concept of self as change something about our appearance. When there is a discrepancy between our
reflected in a total of all the desired material self and our self-concept, we may respond to eliminate the discrep-
tangible things you own. ancy. We may try to lose weight, develop our muscles, or acquire more hair. The
36

multibillion-dollar diet industry is just one of many

that profit from our collective desire to change our
appearance.

The Social Self. Look at your “Who are you?”

list once more. How many of your responses relate to
your social self, the part of you that interacts with

© The New Yorker Collection Peter C. Vey from

others? William James believed that you have many
social selves—that, depending on the friend, family

cartoonbank.com. All Rights Reserved

member, colleague, or acquaintance with whom you
are interacting, you change the way you are. A person
has, said James, as many social selves as there are peo-
ple who recognize him or her. For example, when you
talk to your best friend, you are willing to “let down
your hair” and reveal more thoughts and feelings than
you would in a conversation with your communica-
tion professor, or even your parents. Each relation-
ship that you have with another person is unique
because you bring to it a unique social self.
social self Concept of self as
The Spiritual Self. Your spiritual self consists of all your thoughts and intro-
reflected in social interactions
spections about your values and moral standards. It does not depend on what you with others.
own or with whom you talk; it is the essence of who you think you are and your
spiritual self Concept of
feelings about yourself, apart from external evaluations. It is an amalgam of your reli- self based on thoughts and
gious beliefs and your sense of who you are in relationship to other forces in the uni- introspections about personal
verse. Whether you believe in intelligent design or Darwinian evolution (or both), values, moral standards, and beliefs.

UNDERSTANDING OTHERS
Adapting to Differences The “Golden Rule”: A Universal Value?

It’s clear that there are cultural differences Most world religions emphasize some ver- loving-kindness: do not unto others what
among the world’s people, including dif- sion of the same spiritual principle, known in you would not have them do unto you.
ferences in language, food preferences, Christianity as the Golden Rule: Do unto Zoroastrianism The nature alone is
housing preferences, and a host of other others as you would have others do unto good that refrains from doing unto
elements; these differences have existed you. There is convincing evidence that this another whatsoever is not good for itself.
as long as there have been people. rule has been the foundation of most ethical Judaism What is hateful to you, do not
Anthropologists and communication codes throughout the world. The following do to others. That is the entire law: all the
scholars who study intercultural commu- principles underlying various religious tradi- rest is but commentary.
nication, a topic we’ll discuss in more tions emphasize the universal importance Islam No one of you is a believer until
detail in Chapter 4, teach the value of accorded to being other-oriented.7 he desires for his brother that which he
desires for himself.
adapting to cultural differences in order to Hinduism This is the sum of duty: Do
understand others better. But is it possi- Christianity Do unto others as you
nothing to others that would cause pain if
would have others do unto you.
ble that despite their clear differences, done to you.
there is a universally held principle that Buddhism One should seek for others Do you find this list of variations on the
influences the behavior of all people? The the happiness one desires for one self. Golden Rule from different world religions
question is not a new one. Scholars, the- Taoism Regard your neighbor’s gain as convincing evidence that being other-
ologians, and many others have debated your own gain, and your neighbor’s loss oriented is a universal value? Are there
for millennia whether there are any univer- as your loss. other underlying values or principles, such
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sal values that inform all human societies. Confucianism Is there one principle that as how the poor or the elderly should be
The importance of being other-oriented ought to be acted on throughout one’s treated, that should inform our interactions
rather than self-absorbed is not a new idea. whole life? Surely it is the principle of with others?

your beliefs about the ultimate origins of the world (and about your own origins and
ultimate destination) are embedded in your spiritual self. Your spiritual self is the part
of you that answers the question “Why am I here?”

RECAP William James’s Dimensions of Self

Definition Examples
Material Self All the physical elements that reflect who you are Body, clothes, car, home
Social Self The self as reflected through your interactions with Your informal self interacting with your
others; actually, a variety of selves that respond to best friend; your formal self interacting
changes in situations and roles with your professors
Spiritual Self Introspections about values, morals, and beliefs Belief or disbelief in God; regard for life in all its forms

BEING Other-ORIENTED How Your Self-Concept Develops

One of the ways we develop our Some psychologists and sociologists have advanced theories that suggest you learn who
self-concept is by interacting you are through five basic means: (1) interactions with other individuals, (2) associa-
with others. Who are the others
tions with groups, (3) roles you assume, (4) self-labels, and (5) your personality. Like
in your life who have had the
most profound impact on who James’s framework, this one does not cover every base in the study of self, but its con-
you are? Most people would structs can provide some clues about how your own self-concept develops.
say their parents and members
of their family. Who besides Interaction with Individuals. In 1902, Charles Horton Cooley first advanced
family members have helped
the concept of the looking-glass self, which was his term for the notion that we form
to shape your concept of self?
In what ways? our self-concept by seeing ourselves in a kind of figurative looking glass: We learn who
we are by interacting with others, much as we look into a mirror and see our reflection.8
Like Cooley, George Herbert Mead also believed that our sense of who we are is a conse-
quence of our relationships with others.9 And Harry Stack Sullivan theorized that from
birth to death our selves change primarily because of how people respond to us.10 One
sage noted, “We are not only our brother’s keeper; we are our brother’s maker.”
The process begins at birth. Our names, one of the primary ways we identify our-
selves, are given to us by someone else. During the early years of our lives, our parents
are the key individuals who reflect who we are. If our parents encouraged us to play
the piano, we probably play now. As we become less dependent on our parents, our
friends become highly influential in shaping our attitudes, beliefs, and values. And
friends continue to provide feedback on how well we perform certain tasks. This, in
turn, helps us shape our sense of identity as adults—we must acknowledge our talents
in math, language, or art in our own minds before we say that we are mathematicians,
linguists, or artists.
Fortunately, not all feedback affects our sense of who we think we are. We are likely
to incorporate the comments of others into our self-concept under three conditions.
First, we are more likely to believe another’s statement if he or she repeats some-
thing we have heard several times. If one person casually tells you that you have a
good singing voice, you are not likely to launch a search for an agent and a recording
contract. But if several individuals tell you on many different occasions that you have
a talent for singing, you may decide to do something about it.
Second, we are more likely to value another’s statements if we perceive him or her
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to be credible. If we believe the individual is competent, trustworthy, and qualified to

looking-glass self Concept that make a judgment about us, then we are more likely to believe the person’s assessment.
suggests you learn who you are
based on your interactions with
Third, we are likely to incorporate another’s comments into our own concept of
others, who reflect your self back self if the comments are consistent with other comments and our own experience. If
to you. your boss tells you that you work too slowly, but for years people have been urging

you to slow down, then your previous experience will probably encourage you to
challenge your boss’s evaluation.
Not surprisingly, your parents or early caregivers played an important role in
influencing your self-concept. Researchers have found that the emotional and rela-
tional bond that you developed early on with your parents—or, to phrase this another
way, how attached you felt to one or both of your parents or primary caregiver—influ-
enced your concept of self, and that continues to influence how you relate to others.11
According to several researchers, you develop an attachment style based on how
secure, anxious, or uncomfortable you felt in relating to one or both of your parents.12
Research suggests that you developed one of three different types of attachment styles:
secure, anxious, or avoidant.13
You have a secure attachment style if you are comfortable giving and receiving
affection, experiencing intimacy, and trusting other people. If you have a secure
attachment style, then you probably developed a strong, trusting, close, predictable,
and positive emotional bond with your parents. Research suggests the majority of
people, about 60 percent, develop a secure attachment style.14
You may have developed an anxious attachment style if you received some affec-
tion but not quite enough, and so you may feel uncomfortable in some relationships;
the affection you received from your parents was not always predictably present. It’s
not that you received no affection from your caregivers, but you didn’t receive all that
you felt you needed and therefore you may experience some anxiety about intimacy
and giving and receiving affection. About 10 percent of the population develops an
anxious attachment style.15
Finally, you may have an avoidant attachment style if you consistently received
too little nurturing. People who had this type of upbringing may feel considerable dis-
comfort and awkwardness when expressing or receiving intimacy. Because they didn’t
receive adequate affection and emotional connections as children, such people may
tend to avoid relational intimacy with others. About 25 percent of the population fits
this attachment style profile.16
Your concept of yourself as someone who enjoys strong emotional connections
with other people, or as someone who is anxious or avoids relational intimacy, is thus
influenced by the degree of attachment you felt during your formative years. Obvi- attachment style A style of
ously, you should neither blame nor congratulate your parents for everything about relating to others that develops
the way you relate to people today. But research suggests that early relationship con- early in life, based on the emotional
nections with our parents do influence the way we relate to others. bond one forms with one’s parents
or primary caregiver.
Associations with Groups. Reflect once more on your responses to the secure attachment style The
“Who are you?” question. How many responses associate you with a group? Religious style of relating to others that is
groups, political groups, ethnic groups, social groups, study groups, and occupational characteristic of those who are
comfortable giving and receiving
and professional groups play important roles in determining your self-concept. Some affection, experiencing intimacy,
of these groups you are born into; others you choose on your own. Either way, these and trusting other people.
group associations are significant parts of your identity.
anxious attachment style
Associating with groups is especially important for people who are not part of the The style of relating to others
dominant culture. Gays and lesbians, for example, find the support provided by asso- that is characteristic of those who
ciating with other gays and lesbians to be beneficial to their well-being. The groups experience anxiety in some intimate
you associate with not only provide information about your identity, but also provide relationships and feel uncomfortable
needed social support. giving and receiving affection.
avoidant attachment style
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Roles You Assume. Look again at your answers to the “Who are you?” ques- The style of relating to others
tion. Perhaps you see words or phrases that signify a role you often assume. Father, that is characteristic of those who
consistently experience discomfort
aunt, sister, uncle, manager, salesperson, teacher, and student are labels that imply and awkwardness in intimate
certain expectations for behavior, and they are important in shaping self-concept. relationships and who therefore
Couples who live together before they marry often report that marriage alters their avoid such relationships.

relationship. Before, they may have shared domestic duties such as doing dishes and
laundry. But when they assume the labels of “husband” and “wife,” they slip into tradi-
tional roles. Husbands don’t do laundry. Wives don’t mow the grass. These stereotypical
role expectations that they learned long ago may require extensive discussion and negoti-
ation. Couples who report the highest satisfaction with marriage agree on their expecta-
tions regarding roles (“We agree that I’ll do laundry and you’ll mow the grass”).17
One reason we assume traditional roles automatically is that our gender group
asserts a powerful influence from birth on. As soon as parents know the sex of their chil-
dren, many begin placing them in that gender group by following cultural rules. They
paint the nursery pink for a girl, blue for a boy. Boys get catcher’s mitts, train sets, or foot-
balls for their birthdays; girls get dolls, frilly dresses, and tea sets. These cultural conven-
tions and expectations play a major role in shaping our self-concept and our behavior.

Relating to Others
Your “Online Self” and Your “Offline Self”
in the 21st Century
If you have a MySpace or Facebook edit and revise what they say online and interactions but also from the amount,
page, would people who only know you have more control than when talking face kind, and quality of relationships we
online have the same impression of you if to face. E-mail conversation partners also develop with people online. Canadian psy-
they met you in person? Would people reported that they were more confident chologist M. Kyle Matsuba examined how
with whom you communicate via e-mail when communicating online than they our self-concept (what he labeled “ego
or a blog have the same image of you if were in their face-to-face encounters.19 identity”) is influenced by EMC.22 He found
they met you in person? Electronically In addition to perceiving ourselves as that the more clear college students are
mediated communication (EMC) makes it more effective and confident as well as about their own identity (self-concept), the
easier to control what information people sharing more personal information when less they develop online relationships. Or,
learn about us. Because you have more communicating via e-mail, we may be stated the other way around, the less clear
control, does your online presentation of less truthful about ourselves when we are a person is about his or her own identity
yourself differ from your live-and-in-per- online compared with face-to-face com- the more likely he or she is to develop rela-
son presentation of self? Do you try to munication. Two Internet researchers tionships online. (Note that this is a corre-
enhance your “face” on Facebook in ways found strong evidence that people are lation rather than a cause-and-effect rela-
that are different from techniques you use much more likely to misrepresent them- tionship.) Perhaps if we are not totally
when communicating face to face? The selves in cyberspace than in “realspace” certain about who we are, we develop
ease and prevalence of EMC communica- relationships.20 As we noted in Chapter 1, relationships with others online to help
tion in the twenty-first century has spurred we’re most likely to lie about our age, explore who we are. Matsuba also found a
communication researchers to investigate weight, and personal appearance when strong correlation between being a heavy
these and other questions about how we communicating online.21 user of the Internet and reporting greater
present ourselves online.18 Researchers have also found that feelings of loneliness. (Again, he found a
Communication researchers Lisa Tid- people report their face-to-face relation- correlation rather than a cause-and-effect
well and Joseph Walther wanted to know ships were more serious in tone than their link between Internet use and loneliness;
whether there are differences between exclusively online relationships. And even Internet use doesn’t cause loneliness, but
face-to-face conversations and EMC con- though people made more expressions of more people who feel lonely may use the
versations in the amount of information commitment in their realspace relation- Internet to connect with others.)
people share with others, their projection ships compared to their cyberspace rela- Because we can control our online
of confidence, and the overall effective- tionships, research participants reported persona more readily than our realspace
ness of communication. They found that about the same levels of satisfaction with presentation of self, we’re more confident
when people communicate via e-mail, both types of relationships and similar about what we’re saying about ourselves
they exchange information more directly potential for emotional growth in their online. The Internet, which offers the
with each other and perceive themselves romantic relationships, whether in real- opportunity to develop many relationships
and others to be more “conversationally space or cyberspace. with others quickly and efficiently, espe-
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effective” because they are more direct. With our increased use of EMC, cially on social networking sites, can help
Perhaps people perceive their communi- researchers have found that our sense of us explore facets of ourselves and clarify
cation as more effective because they can self is derived not only from face-to-face our self-concept.

Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others, Sixth Edition, by Steven A. Beebe, Susan J. Beebe and Mark V. Redmond. Published by Allyn & Bacon.
Copyright © 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc.
Although it is changing, American culture is still male-domi-
nated. What we consider appropriate and inappropriate behavior
is often different for males and for females. For example, in group
and team meetings, task-oriented, male-dominated roles are val-
ued more than relationship-building roles.23 Some may applaud
fathers who work sixty hours a week as diligent and hard-working
but criticize mothers who do the same as neglectful and selfish.
Although our culture defines certain roles as masculine or
feminine, we still exercise individual choices about our gender
roles. One researcher developed an inventory designed to assess
whether we play traditional masculine, feminine, or androgynous
roles.24 Because an androgynous role is both masculine and femi-
nine, such a role encompasses a greater repertoire of actions and
behaviors.

Self-Labels. Although our self-concept is deeply affected by In American culture, behavior among girls is in many
others, we are not blank slates for them to write on. The labels we ways quite distinct from that among boys.
use to describe our own attitudes, beliefs, values, and actions also
play a role in shaping our self-concept.
Where do our labels come from? We interpret what we experience; we are self-
reflexive. Self-reflexiveness is the human ability to be objectively self-aware—that
is—to think about what we are doing while we are doing it. We talk to ourselves about
ourselves. We are both participants and observers in all that we do. This dual role
encourages us to use labels to describe who we are.
When you were younger, perhaps you dreamed of becoming an all-star basketball
player. Your coach may have told you that you were a great player, but as you
matured, you probably began observing yourself more critically. You scored no
points. So you self-reflexively decided that you were not, deep down, a basketball
player, even though others may have labeled you as “talented.” But sometimes,
through this self-observation, people discover strengths that encourage them to
assume new labels. One woman we know never thought of herself as “heroic” until androgynous role Gender role
that includes both masculine and
she went through seventy-two hours of labor before giving birth! feminine qualities.

Your Personality. The concept of personality is central to psychology, the study self-reflexiveness Ability to think
about what you are doing while you
of how your thinking influences how you behave. According to psychologist Lester are doing it.
Lefton, your personality consists of a set of enduring internal predispositions and
behavioral characteristics that describe how you react to your environment.25 Under- psychology Study of how thinking
influences behavior.
standing the forces that shape your personality is central to increasing your awareness
of your self-concept and how you relate to others. personality Enduring internal
Does nature or nurture play the predominant role in your personality? As we predispositions and behavioral
characteristics that describe how
noted in Chapter 1, the communibiological approach to communication suggests people react to their environment.
that a major factor affecting how people communicate with others is genetic
makeup.26 Others argue that although it’s true that communication behavior is influ- communibiological approach
Perspective that suggests that
enced by genes, we should not forget that humans can learn to adjust and adapt.27 genetic and biological influences
One personality characteristic that communication researchers have spent con- play a major role in influencing
siderable time studying is the level of comfort or discomfort individuals experience communication behavior.
when interacting with other people. Some people just don’t like to talk with others.28 shyness Behavioral tendency not
We may say such a person is shy. Shyness is the behavioral tendency not to talk with to talk or interact with other people.
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others. One study found that about 40 percent of adults reported they were shy.29 In
communication apprehension
public-speaking situations, we say a person has stage fright; a better term to describe Fear or anxiety associated with
this feeling is communication apprehension. Communication apprehension, accord- either real or anticipated
ing to communication experts James McCroskey and Virginia Richmond, is “the fear communication with other people.
41

Self and Emotion: How We Influence

Communication and Emotion
How We Feel

In Chapter 1, we defined an emotion as a biological reaction to your emotion.30 James-Lange Theory of Emotion:
biological, cognitive, behavioral, and sub- Here’s an example: (1) You meet your Physiological Response Determines
jective affective reaction to an event. new boss for the first time, (2) you feel Emotional Response
Emotions are reactions to what we experi- nervous, and (3) your heart rate increases Another theory of emotion, developed by
ence. What continues to be debated is the and you begin to perspire. This sequence psychologists William James and Carl Lange,
specific sequence of events that results in is typically the way many people think is called the James-Lange theory of emo-
an emotional response. Are we in control about emotions occurring—emotions just tion.31 Note the difference in the sequence
of our emotions, or do our emotions con- happen, and we really have no choice in of events in this theory in Figure 2.3:
trol us? We present three different theo- how we feel. But there are other theories (1) Something happens, (2) you respond
ries that describe the chain of events that about what causes emotions. physiologically, and then (3) you experience
cause us to experience emotions.

Commonsense Theory of Emotion: Something happens Something happens

Emotions Happen
The commonsense approach is so
named because it seems to be a descrip-
tion of the way many people would
Emotional reaction Physiological reaction
describe how emotions occur. The com-
monsense theory, shown in Figure 2.2,
suggests the following order of emotional
experience: (1) Something happens, (2)
you have an affective (that is, an emo- Physiological reaction Emotional reaction
tional) reaction to the event (you feel sad
or happy), and finally, (3) you respond
physiologically by blushing, experiencing FIGURE 2.2 FIGURE 2.3
an increased heart rate, or having another Commonsense Theory of Emotion James-Lange Theory of Emotion

or anxiety associated with either real or anticipated communication with another per-
son or persons.”33 One study found that up to 80 percent of the population experi-
ences some degree of nervousness or apprehension when they speak in public.34
Another study found that about 20 percent of people are considerably anxious when
they give a speech.35 What makes some people apprehensive about communicating
with others? Again, we get back to the nature–nurture issue. Heredity plays an impor-
tant role in whether you are going to feel nervous or anxious when communicating
with someone else. But so does whether you were reinforced for talking with others as
a child, as well as other experiences that are part of your culture and learning.
Your overall willingness to communicate with others is a general way of sum-
marizing the likelihood that you will talk with others in a variety of situations. If you
are unwilling to communicate with others, you will be less comfortable in a career such
as sales or customer service that forces you to interact with other people.
Understanding the factors that influence your self-concept—such as your inter-
actions with individuals and groups, the roles you assume, your self-labels, and your
personality, including your overall comfort level in communicating with others—can
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help you understand who you are and why you interact (or don’t interact) with oth-
willingness to communicate
General term for the likelihood that ers. But it’s not only who you are that influences your communication; it’s also your
an individual will communicate with overall sense of self-esteem or self-worth that affects how you express yourself and
others in certain situations. respond to others.

an emotion. This theory suggests that we will react to what is happening to you, and
respond physiologically before we experi- then (4) you experience the emotion. (See Something happens
ence an emotion. The physiological Figure 2.4.) Do you see the difference in
responses tell us whether or not to experi- this last approach? It suggests that you
ence an emotion. When you meet your have control over how you feel, based in
new boss, you begin to perspire, and your part on what you tell yourself about what
heart starts beating more rapidly; this, in you are experiencing. Physiological reaction
turn, causes you to feel nervous. According to the appraisal theory of
emotion, you actively participate in deter-
Appraisal Theory of Emotion: mining what emotion you experience by
Labels Determine What Emotions labeling your experiences. For example,
Are Experienced We label our response:
(1) you meet your new boss, (2) your heart
“This is frightening.”
Yet a third view suggests that you are rate increases and you start to perspire,
more in control of your emotions than you (3) you tell yourself that this is an impor-
might think. You can change the emotion tant and fear-inducing event, so (4) you
you are feeling by the way you decide to feel nervous and anxious. Or you could
label or describe your experiences to tell yourself, “This is no big deal” and not We experience the
yourself. This theory is called the feel nervous but enjoy your conversation emotion: fear.
appraisal theory, which means we with your new boss.
appraise and label what we feel; the labels Although researchers continue to
we use to describe what we experience debate precisely how events trigger our FIGURE 2.4
have a major effect on what we feel as an emotions, we know that our emotional Appraisal Theory of Emotion
emotional response.32 Here’s the sus- reaction to what we experience has a
pected sequence according to this theory: profound impact on how we relate to
(1) Something happens, (2) you respond others.
physiologically, (3) you decide how you

Self-Esteem: Your Self-Worth

Your self-esteem is closely related to your self-concept. Your self-concept is a
description of who you are. Your self-esteem is an evaluation of who you are. The term
self-worth is often used interchangeably with self-esteem. There is evidence that your
overall feeling of self-worth is related to feeling and expressing positive messages
toward others as well as being supportive of other people.36 You feel better about
yourself if you behave in ways that researchers call being prosocial, which means your
behaviors benefit others. Research has also found a positive relationship between high
self-esteem and happiness.37 And although evidence suggests that having high self-
esteem doesn’t mean you’ll perform better in school, or be more likely to be a leader,
there is evidence that people with high self-esteem tend to speak up more in groups
and share information with others.38 self-worth (self-esteem) Your
evaluation of your worth or value
People derive their sense of self-worth from comparing themselves to others, a
based on your perception of such
process called social comparison. Social comparison helps people measure how things as your skills, abilities,
well they think they are doing compared to others. I’m good at playing soccer talents, and appearance.
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(because I beat others); I can’t cook (because others cook better than I do); I’m not
social comparison Process of
good at meeting people (most people I know seem to be more comfortable interact- comparing yourself to others who
ing with others); I’m not handy (but my brothers and sisters can fix a leaky faucet). are similar to you, to measure your
Each of these statements implies a judgment about how well or badly you can perform worth and value.

© The New Yorker Collection 2008 Bruce Eric Kaplan from

certain tasks, with implied references to how well others perform the same tasks. A
belief that you cannot fix a leaky faucet or cook like a chef may not in itself lower
your self-esteem. But if there are several things you can’t do well or many important
tasks that you cannot seem to master, these shortcomings may begin to color your
overall sense of worth. At times we may need to be reminded that our value as a
human being is not equivalent to our cooking ability, our grade-point average, or
the kinds of clothes we wear. Our self-worth is more precious than money, grades,
or fashion.
In the 1960s, psychologist Eric Berne developed the concept of a life position
to describe people’s overall sense of their own worth and that of others.39 He identified
four life positions: (1) “I’m OK, you’re OK,” or positive regard for self and others;
(2) “I’m OK, you’re not OK,” or positive regard for self and low regard for others;
(3) “I’m not OK, you’re OK,” or low self-regard and positive regard for others; and
(4) “I’m not OK, you’re not OK,” or low regard for both self and others. Your life
position is a driving force in your relationships with others. People in the “I’m OK,
you’re OK” position have the best chance for healthy relationships because they have
discovered their own talents and also recognize that others have been given talents dif-
ferent from their own.

Facework: Communicating Your Positive

life position Feelings of regard
Image of Yourself to Others
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for self and others, as reflected in

one’s sense of worth and self- Your face is important to you. It’s something you look at several times a day, whether
esteem. you catch a fleeting glimpse of yourself as you pass a mirror or purposefully check to

make sure you are looking your best. Your face is a focal point of your self-image. The
amount of money spent on plastic surgery to enhance the face is clear evidence that
facial appearance is important to most people. In addition, such common expressions
as “in your face” or communicating “face to face” confirm that the face is a key part of
everyone’s identity. But, face can refer to more than just the eyes, nose, and mouth.
Face is a person’s positive perception of himself or herself in interactions with
others.40 A related term, facework, refers to using communication to maintain your
own face (your positive perception of who you are) or to support, reinforce, or chal-
lenge someone else’s face (or self-perception).

Projecting Your Face face A person’s positive

If you are typical, you spend considerable effort to project a positive face—a positive perception of himself or herself in
interactions with others.
image of yourself to others. You are using positive facework, for example, when you
announce to your parents or friends that you made the dean’s list during the recent facework Using communication to
college semester. By telling them the good news about your academic success, you’re maintain your own positive self-
perception or to support, reinforce,
using communication to maintain a positive image of yourself and thus reinforce or challenge someone else’s self-
your own positive self-image. To have a positive face is to be approved of and liked by perception.
others. Some researchers speculate that the concept of face originated with the ancient
preventative facework Efforts to
Chinese, but no doubt they merely gave a name to something that is a characteristic of maintain and enhance one’s
being human. positive self-perceptions.
We use preventative facework to avoid developing a negative impression of
corrective facework Efforts to
ourselves—we actively work to maintain and enhance our positive perception of correct what one perceives as a
ourselves. For example, if you think you may be late for a meeting, you may tell a negative perception of oneself on
coworker, “If I’m late it’s because there may be heavy traffic on the road during the part of others.
rush hour.” Even before the event you’re trying to save face. We engage in
corrective facework when we “save face” by correcting what we perceive as a nega-
tive perception of us, as when we say, “Oh, I’m sorry I was late. I got stuck in heavy
Projecting a positive image of
traffic.”41 To “save face” is a metaphor for instilling a positive perception of your-
yourself—positive face—means
self in others. Sociologist Erving Goffman suggests that saving face is important for being mindful of how you talk to
most people.42 The effort you expend to save face (to protect your positive image) and interact with others.
reflects the kind of perception you want others to have of you.
What are strategies for projecting a positive face? One of the best things to
do is to simply be mindful of what you do to communicate positive informa-
tion about yourself. Monitor how you talk to others, and consider the needs
and expectations of others (be other-oriented) as you interact with them.
Besides being aware of how you are communicating a positive self-
image to others, make sure your words are consistent with your actions.
If you tell your family that you’re getting good grades, but your final
grades don’t correspond to your story, it’s your actions, not your words,
they will believe.
Since it’s others, not just you, who will assess whether you have a
positive image, by observing what others value, you can mindfully decide
whether you want to conform to what others expect of you. This is always a
delicate balance. If you know, for example, that your friend likes people
to dress up when dining in a restaurant, you can accommodate your
friend by dressing more formally than you typically do. We’re not
suggesting that you should always conform to the expectations of
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others, only that you should be aware of their expectations so that

you can make a mindful decision about whether you will meet
their expectations.

Protecting Others’ Face

Communication researchers Kathy Domenici and Stephen Littlejohn suggest that
there are several things we can do to actively help others maintain a positive face.43
Underlying each of their prescriptions is the value of being other-oriented. For exam-
ple, you can honor others by addressing them as they wish to be addressed. Some of
your teachers want to be called “doctor” if they have a doctoral degree or “professor”
if they hold that academic rank. Yet others may say, “Call me Steve.”
Being polite is another way of enhancing the face of others. Saying “please,” “thank
you,” or “excuse me” are common courtesies that are valued in virtually every culture.
Being generous and supportive are other ways you enhance the face of others.
Spending time with someone who enjoys your company, offering positive and affirm-
ing messages to the person, and interacting in appropriately attentive and supportive
ways also help to build face. An other-oriented communicator considers what the
other person would like.
We engage in face-threatening acts when we communicate in a way that under-
mines or challenges someone’s positive face.44 We may not intend for something we
say or do to threaten someone else’s face, but any interaction we have with someone
has the potential to be face-threatening to them. It’s the other person, not you, who
determines whether a statement or behavior is face-threatening. Being aware of how
we may threaten someone’s face can help us develop greater sensitivity toward others.
Social psychologists Penelope Brown and Stephen Levinson suggest that people
from all cultures have a universal need to be treated politely.45 Brown and Levinson
developed a theory, called politeness theory, that suggests not only that people have a
tendency to promote a positive image of themselves (a positive face) but also that
people will have a positive perception of others who treat them politely and respect-
fully. Politeness theory makes intuitive sense. We want our image of our self to be pos-
itive. And when others are polite to us, we will have a positive perception of their face.
Although people from different cultures have varying levels of need to be treated
politely, what seems clear is that everyone needs to be valued and appreciated. Offer-
ing compliments, behaving respectfully, and showing concern for others are all ways
of using politeness to help others project a positive face.
According to politeness theory, when we have a negative message to communi-
cate, we make a choice regarding how much we threaten someone else’s face. The
statements in the following list are arranged from most face-threatening to least face-
threatening
1. Bluntly communicating a negative message: “Your office is a mess.”
2. Delivering the negative message but also communicating a face-saving message:
“Your office is a mess, but perhaps messy is the look you want.”
3. Delivering the negative message but offering a counter-explanation to help the
person save face: “Your office is a mess, but that’s understandable, given how
much work you do around here.”
4. Communicating the negative message but doing so “off the record” or in such an
face-threatening acts indirect way that the other person saves face: “I’m not supposed to tell you this;
Communication that undermines or even though your office is a mess, the boss is impressed with how well you seem
challenges someone’s positive face. to find everything.”
politeness theory Theory that 5. Finally, not communicating any message that would cause someone to lose face.
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people have positive perceptions of

others who treat them politely and When someone threatens your face (“Because you were late to the meeting,
respectfully. I missed picking my daughter up from school”), you have choices to make. You can

Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others, Sixth Edition, by Steven A. Beebe, Susan J. Beebe and Mark V. Redmond. Published by Allyn & Bacon.
Copyright © 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc.
respond by defending yourself or by denying what the other person
has said (“No, I wasn’t late to the meeting yesterday”), or you can
offer an explanation, an excuse, or an apology (“I’m so sorry. The
elevator was broken so I had to walk up the stairs”). Or, by simply
saying and doing nothing you can communicate a range of
responses. As researchers Dominici and Littlejohn suggest, being
silent can mean (1) I’m thinking about what you said, (2) I’m
ignoring what you said because it’s not worth my time or effort, or
(3) I’m simply not going to respond in kind to the way you’ve
treated me.46 The effort you expend to save face (to protect your
positive image) reflects the kind of perception you want others to
have of you. The more effort you expend to protect your face, the
more you want others to have a positive perception of you.

How to Improve Your Although positive self-talk will never be able to make all
Self-Esteem of us become champion cyclists like Lance Armstrong,
it can help us focus on our own goals and improve our
performance levels.
We have mentioned that low self-esteem can affect our own com-
munication and interactions. In recent years, teachers, psycholo-
gists, ministers, rabbis, social workers, and even politicians have suggested that many
societal problems also stem from collective feelings of low self-esteem. Feelings of low
self-worth may contribute to choosing the wrong partners; to becoming dependent on
drugs, alcohol, or other substances; or to experiencing problems with eating or other
vital activities. So people owe it to society, as well as to themselves, to maintain or
develop a healthy sense of self-esteem.
Although no simple list of tricks can easily transform low self-esteem into feelings
of being valued and appreciated, you can improve how you think about yourself and
interact with others. We’ll explore seven proven techniques that have helped others.

Engage in Self-Talk
Cycling champion Lance Armstrong is also a cancer survivor. When he got sick, he
told a friend, “Cancer picked the wrong guy. When it looked around for a body to
hang out in, it made a big mistake when it chose mine. Big mistake.”47 The positive
self-talk reflected in his words undoubtedly helped Armstrong to overcome the chal-
lenge of cancer and go on to win the Tour de France seven times.
Intrapersonal communication is communication within yourself—self-talk.
Realistic, positive self-talk can have a reassuring effect on your level of self-worth and
on your interactions with others.48 Conversely, repeating negative messages about
your lack of skill and ability can keep you from trying and achieving.
Of course, blind faith without hard work won’t succeed. Self-talk is not a substi-
tute for effort; it can, however, keep you on track and help you ultimately to achieve
your goal. intrapersonal communication
Communication within yourself;
self-talk.
Visualize a Positive Image of Yourself visualization Technique of
imagining that you are performing a
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Visualization takes the notion of self-talk one step further. Besides just telling your- particular task in a certain way;
self that you can achieve your goal, you can actually try to “see” yourself conversing positive visualization can enhance
effectively with others, performing well on a project, or exhibiting some other desirable self-esteem.

behavior. Being able to visualize completing a goal (think-

ing positively rather than thinking you won’t achieve your
BALLARD STREET copyright © Van Amarongen. Reprinted with permission of Creators Syndicate.

goal) adds to your overall sense of happiness and well-

being.49 Recent research suggests that an apprehensive pub-
lic speaker can manage his or her fears not only by develop-
ing skill in public speaking, but also by visualizing positive
results when speaking to an audience.50 The same technique
can be used to boost your sense of self-worth about other
tasks or skills. If, for example, you tend to get nervous when
meeting people at a party, imagine yourself in a room full of
people, glibly introducing yourself to others with ease. Visu-
alizing yourself performing well can yield positive results in
changing long-standing feelings of inadequacy. Of course,
your visualization should be realistic and coupled with a
plan to achieve your goal.

Avoid Comparing Yourself with Others

Even before we were born, we were compared with others.
The latest medical technology lets us see sonograms of fetuses
still in the womb, so parents may begin comparing their chil-
Michael continually measures himself against others. dren with other babies before birth. For the rest of our lives,
we are compared with others, and rather than celebrating our
uniqueness, comparisons usually point up who is stronger, brighter, or more beautiful.
Many of us have had the experience of being chosen last to play on a sports team, being
passed over for promotion, or standing unchosen against the wall at a dance.
In North American culture, we may be tempted to judge our self-worth by our
material possessions and personal appearance. If we know someone who has a newer
car (or simply a car, if we rely on public transportation), a smaller waistline, or a
higher grade point average, we may feel diminished. Comparisons such as “He has
more money than I have” or “She looks better than I look” are likely to deflate our
self-worth.
Rather than finding others who seemingly are better off, focus on the unique
attributes that make you who you are. Avoid judging your own value by comparing
yourself with others. A healthy, positive self-concept is fueled not by judgments of
others, but by a genuine sense of worth that you recognize in yourself.

Reframe Appropriately
Reframing is the process of redefining events and experiences from a different point
of view. Just as reframing a work of art can give the picture a whole new look, refram-
ing events that cause you to devalue your self-worth can change your perspective. For
example, if you get a report from your supervisor that says you should improve one
area of your performance, instead of listening to the self-talk that says you’re bad at
your job, reframe the event within a larger context: Tell yourself that one negative
comment does not mean you are a hopeless employee.
Of course, not all negative experiences should be tossed off and left unexamined,
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reframing Process of redefining because you can learn and profit from your mistakes. But it is important to remember
events and experiences from a that your worth as a human being does not depend on a single exam grade, a single
different point of view. response from a prospective employer, or a single play in a football game.

Develop Honest Relationships

Having at least one other person who can help you objectively and honestly reflect on
your virtues and vices can be extremely beneficial in fostering a healthy, positive self-
image. As we noted earlier, other people play a major role in shaping your self-con-
cept and self-esteem. The more credible the source of information, the more likely
you are to believe it. Later in the chapter, we discuss how honest relationships are
developed through the process of self-disclosure. Honest, positive support can pro-
vide encouragement for a lifetime.

Let Go of the Past

Your self-concept is not fixed. It was not implanted at birth to remain constant for
the rest of your life. Things change. You change. Others change. Individuals with
low self-esteem may be fixating on events and experiences that happened years ago
and tenaciously refusing to let go of them. Perhaps you’ve heard religious and spir-
itual leaders suggest that it’s important to forgive others who have hurt you in the
past. There is research evidence that suggests it’s important to your own mental
health and sense of well-being to let go of old wounds and forgive others.51 Some-
one once wrote, “The lightning bug is brilliant, but it hasn’t much of a mind; it
blunders through existence with its headlight on behind.” Looking back at what we
can’t change only reinforces a sense of helplessness. Constantly replaying negative
experiences in our mind only serves to make our sense of worth more difficult
to change. Becoming aware of the changes that have occurred and can occur in
your life can help you develop a more realistic assessment of your value. Look past
your past.

Seek Support BEING Other-ORIENTED

You provide social support when you express care and concern as well as listen and We all need support and
encouragement from others
empathize with others. Perhaps you just call it “talking with a friend.” Having some-
from time to time. When have
one who will be socially supportive is especially important when we experience stress other people helped you
and anxiety or are faced with a vexing personal problem.52 manage a difficult situation or
Social support from a friend or family member can be helpful, but some of your period of your life? What are
self-image problems may be so ingrained that you need professional help. A trained the qualities in others that you
look for when you need social
counselor, clergy member, or therapist can help you sort through them. The tech-
support? What are talents and
nique of having a trained person listen as you verbalize your fears, hopes, and con- skills that you possess that
cerns is called talk therapy. You talk, and a skilled listener helps you sort out your will help you provide useful
feelings and problems. There is power in being able to put your thoughts, especially social support to others?
your negative thoughts and emotions, into words. By saying things out loud to an
open, honest, empathic listener, we gain insight and can sometimes figure out why we social support Expression of
experience the hurts and difficulties that we do. If you are not sure to whom to turn empathy and concern for others
for a referral, you can start with your school counseling services. Or, if you are near a that is communicated while
medical-school teaching hospital, you can contact the counseling or psychotherapy listening to them and offering
positive and encouraging words.
office there for a referral.
Because you have spent your whole lifetime developing your self-esteem, it is not talk therapy Technique in which
easy to make big changes. But talking through problems can make a difference. As a person describes his or her
problems and concerns to a
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communication researchers Frank E. X. Dance and Carl Larson see it, “Speech com- skilled listener in order to better
munication empowers each of us to share in the development of our own self-concept understand the emotions and issues
and the fulfillment of that self-concept.”53 that are creating the problems.

RECAP Strategies for Improving Your Self-Esteem

Engage in Self-Talk If you’re having a bad hair day, tell yourself that you have beautiful eyes and lots of
friends who like you anyway.
Visualize If you feel nervous before a meeting, visualize everyone in the room congratulating you
on your great ideas.
Avoid Comparison Focus on your positive qualities and on what you can do to enhance your own talents
and abilities.
Reframe Appropriately If you experience one failure, keep the larger picture in mind, rather than focusing on that isolated
incident.
Develop Honest Relationships Cultivate friends in whom you can confide and who will give you honest feedback for
improving your skills and abilities.
Let Go of the Past Talk yourself out of your old issues; focus on ways to enhance your abilities in the future.
Seek Support Talk with professional counselors who can help you identify your gifts and talents.

BEING Other-ORIENTED Self and Interpersonal Relationships

You develop your perception of
yourself as an “I” based on your Your self-concept and self-esteem filter every interaction with others. They deter-
self-talk or the messages you tell mine how you approach, respond to, and interpret messages. Specifically, your self-
yourself. Your perception of “me”
is based on what you believe concept and self-esteem affect your ability to be sensitive to others, your self-fulfilling
others say about you. Are you prophecies, your interpretation of messages, your own social needs, and your typi-
aware of your own perceptions of cal communication style.
yourself (“I”) compared with how
others see you (“me”)? Compare
and contrast the information you Self and Interaction with Others
use to develop your concept of
yourself and your self-esteem Your image of yourself and your sense of self-worth directly affect how you inter-
with the information others use act with others. Who you think you are affects how you communicate with other
to form their perceptions of you. people.
We defined human communication as the way we make sense of the world and
share that sense with others by creating meaning through verbal and nonverbal
messages. A theory called symbolic interaction theory is based on the assumption
that we make sense of the world based on our interactions with others. We interpret
what a word or symbol means based, in part, on how other people react to our use
of that word or symbol. We learn, for example, that certain four-letter words have
power because we see people react when they hear the words. Even our own under-
standing of who we think we are is influenced by who others tell us we are. For
example, you don’t think you’re a good dancer, but after several of your friends tell
you that you have dazzling dance moves, you start believing that you do have danc-
ing talent. Central to understanding ourselves is understanding the importance of
other people in shaping our self-understanding. Symbolic interaction theory has
had a major influence on communication theory because of the pervasive way our
symbolic interaction theory communication with others influences our very sense of who we are.
Theory that people make sense
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of the world based on their

George Herbert Mead is credited with the development of symbolic interaction
interpretation of words or theory, although Mead did not write extensively about his theory.54 One of Mead’s
symbols used by others. students, Herbert Blumer, actually coined the term symbolic interaction to describe the

process through which our interactions with others influence our thoughts about oth-
ers, our life experiences, and ourselves. Mead believed that we cannot have a concept
of our own self-identity without interactions with other people.
Because the influence of others on your life is so far-reaching, it’s sometimes hard
to be consciously aware of how other people shape your thoughts. One of the ways to
be more mindful of the influence of others is to become increasingly other-oriented—
sensitive to the thoughts and feelings of others—which is essential for developing
quality relationships with others. Becoming other-oriented involves recognizing that
your concept of self (who you think you are) is different from how others perceive
you—even though it’s influenced by others, as suggested by symbolic interaction the-
ory. Mead suggests that we come to think of ourselves both as “I,” based on our own
perception of ourselves, and as “me,” based on the collective responses we receive and
interpret from others. Being aware of how your concept of self (“I”) differs from the
perceptions others have of you (“me”) is an important first step in developing an BEING Other-ORIENTED
other-orientation. By becoming a detective, you
Although it may seem complicated, it’s really quite simple: You affect others and can find clues in the behavior
others affect you. Your ability to predict how others will respond to you is based on of others to determine if the
your skill in understanding how your sense of the world is similar to and different assumptions you’ve made
about them are accurate.
from theirs. To enhance your skill in understanding this process, you need to know
Reflect on times when you
yourself well. But understanding yourself is only half the process; you also need to be have accurately identified the
other-oriented. One of the best ways to improve your ability to be other-oriented is to emotions of another person
notice how others respond when you act on the predictions and assumptions you and compare those instances
have made about them. If you assume that your friend, who is out of work and strug- to other times when you
weren’t as accurate. What
gling to make ends meet, will like it if you pick up the check for lunch, and she offers
kinds of clues help you
an appreciative “Thank you so much,” you have received confirmation that your gen- accurately predict others’
erosity was appreciated and that your hunch about how your friend would react to moods and feelings?
your gesture was accurate.

Self and Your Future

What people believe about themselves often comes true because they expect it to come
true. Their expectations become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you think you will fail
the math quiz because you have labeled yourself inept at math, then you must over-
come not only your math deficiency, but also your low expectations of yourself. The
theme of George Bernard Shaw’s Pygmalion is “If you treat a girl like a flower girl,
that’s all she will ever be. If you treat her like a princess, she may be one.” Research
suggests that you can create your own obstacles to achieving your goals by being too
critical of yourself.55 Or you can increase your chances for success by having a more
positive mindset.56 Your attitudes, beliefs, and general expectations about your per-
formance have a powerful and profound effect on your behavior.
The medical profession is learning the power that attitudes and expectations
have for healing. Physician Howard Brody’s research suggests that in many
instances, just giving patients a placebo—a pill with no medicine in it—or telling
patients that they have been operated on when they haven’t had an operation can
yield positive medical results. In his book The Placebo Response, Brody tells of a
woman with debilitating Parkinson’s disease who made a miraculous recovery; her
only treatment was the doctors’ telling her that they had completed a medical proce-
dure.57 They hadn’t. Yet before the “treatment,” she could barely walk; now she can self-fulfilling prophecy
Prediction about future actions
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easily pace around the room. There is a clear link, suggests Dr. Brody, between men- that is likely to come true because
tal state and physical health. Patients who believe they will improve are more likely the person believes that it will
to improve. come true.

Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others, Sixth Edition, by Steven A. Beebe, Susan J. Beebe and Mark V. Redmond. Published by Allyn & Bacon.
Copyright © 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc.
Your image of yourself and your sense
of self-worth in part determine whether
your expectations are fulfilled,
but that sense of self-worth is
shaped to a great degree by your
interactions with others.

Self and Interpretation of Messages

Although it may have been many years since you’ve read A. A. Milne’s classic children’s sto-
ries about Winnie-the-Pooh, you probably remember Eeyore, Winnie-the-Pooh’s donkey
friend. Eeyore lives in the gloomiest part of the Hundred Acre Wood and has a self-image
to match. In one story, all the animals congregate on a stormy night to check on Eeyore:
. . . they all came to the part of the forest known as Eeyore’s gloomy place. On
this stormy night it was terribly gloomy indeed—or it would have been were it
not for Christopher Robin. He was there with a big umbrella.
“I’ve invited Eeyore to come and stay with me until the storm is over,” said
Christopher Robin.
“If it ever is,” said Eeyore, “which doesn’t seem likely. Not that anybody
asked me, you understand. But then, they hardly ever do.”58
Perhaps you know or have known an Eeyore—someone whose low self-esteem
colors how he or she interprets messages and interacts with others. According to
research, such people are more likely to
● Be more sensitive to criticism and ● Feel threatened by people who
negative feedback from others. they feel are superior.
● Be more critical of others. ● Expect to lose when competing
● Believe they are not popular or with others.
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respected by others. ● Be overly responsive to praise and

● Expect to be rejected by others. compliments.
● Prefer not to be observed while
● Evaluate their overall behavior as
52 performing. inferior to that of others.59

The Pooh stories offer an antidote to Eeyore’s gloom in the character of the opti-
mistic Tigger, who assumes that everyone shares his exuberance for life:
. . . when Owl reached Piglet’s house, Tigger was there. He was bouncing on his tail,
as Tiggers do, and shouting to Piglet. “Come on,” he cried. “You can do it! It’s fun!” 60
If, like Tigger, your sense of self-worth is high, research suggests you will
● Have higher expectations for ● Prefer to interact with others
solving problems. who view themselves as highly
competent.
● Think more highly of others.
● Expect other people to accept
● Be more likely to accept praise you for who you are.
and accolades from others
without feeling embarrassed. ● Be more likely to seek
opportunities to improve
● Be more comfortable having others skills that need improving.
observe you when you perform.
● Evaluate your overall behavior
● Be more likely to admit you have more positively than would people
both strengths and weaknesses. with lower self-esteem.61

Self and Interpersonal Needs

According to social psychologist Will Schutz, our concept of who we are, coupled with our
need to interact with others, profoundly influences how we communicate with others.
Schutz identifies three primary social needs that affect the degree of communication we
have with others: the need for inclusion, the need for control, and the need for affection.62

Inclusion. Each of us has a need for inclusion—the need to be included in the activ-
ities of others and to experience human contact and fellowship. We need to be invited to
join others, and perhaps we need to invite others to join us. Of course, the level and
intensity of this need differ from person to person, but even loners desire some social
contact. Our need to include others and be included in activities may stem, in part,
from our concept of ourselves as either a “party person” or a loner.

Control. We also have a need for control: We need some degree of influence over
the relationships we establish with others. We may also have a need to be controlled
because we desire some level of stability and comfort in our interactions with others.

Affection. Finally, we each have a need for affection. We need to give and receive love,
support, warmth, and intimacy, although the amounts we need vary enormously from
person to person. The greater our needs for inclusion, control, and affection, the more need for inclusion Interpersonal
need to be included and to include
likely it is that we will actively seek others as friends and initiate communication with them. others in social activities.
need for control Interpersonal
Self and Disclosure to Others need for some degree of influence
in our relationships, as well as the
When we interact with others, we reveal information about ourselves—we self-dis- need to be controlled.
close. Self-disclosure occurs when we purposefully provide information to others
need for affection Interpersonal
about ourselves that they would not learn if we did not tell them. Self-disclosure need to give and receive love,
ISBN 0-558-82929-5

ranges from revealing innocuous information about yourself, such as where you support, warmth, and intimacy.
were born, to admitting your deepest fears and most private fantasies. Disclosing
self-disclosure Purposefully
personal information not only provides a basis for another person to understand providing information about yourself
you better, it also conveys your level of trust and acceptance of the other person. to others that they would not learn
Because others self-disclose, you are able to learn information about them and if you did not tell them.

Known Not Known deepen your interpersonal relationships with them.63 We

to Self to Self introduce the concept of self-disclosure in this chapter
because it’s an important element in helping us under-
stand ourselves. Because self-disclosure is the primary
way we establish and maintain interpersonal relation-
Known to ships, we’ll discuss self-disclosure in considerable detail
Open Blind
Others in Chapter 9.
In order to disclose personal information to others,
you must first be aware of who you are. Your self-
awareness is your understanding of who you are. In
addition to just thinking about who you are, asking oth-
ers for information about yourself and then listening to
what they tell you can enhance your self-awareness.
Not Known n Hidden Unknown A variety of personality tests, such as the Myers-
to Others Briggs personality inventory, may give you additional
insight into your interests, style, and ways of relating to
others. Most colleges and universities have a career ser-
vices office where you can take vocational aptitude tests
to help you identify careers that fit who you are.
FIGURE 2.5 The Johari Window model nicely summarizes how
Johari Window of Self-Disclosure your awareness of who you are is influenced by your own
level of disclosure, as well as by how much information
others share about you with you. (The name “Johari Window” sounds somewhat mysti-
cal and exotic, but it is simply a combination of the first names of the creators of the
model, Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham.64) As Figure 2.5 shows, the model looks like a set
of windows, and the windows represent your self. This self includes everything about
you, including things even you don’t yet see or realize. One axis is divided into what you
have come to know about yourself and what you don’t yet know about who you are.
The other axis represents what someone else may know about you and not know about
you. The intersection of these categories creates four windows, or quadrants.

BEING Other-ORIENTED Open: Known to Self and Known to Others. Quadrant 1 is an open area.
The open area contains information that others know about you and that you are also
Some things about ourselves
we learn from others: elements
aware of—such as your age, your occupation, and other things you might mention
of our personality (both positive about yourself. At first glance, all four quadrants appear to be the same size. But that
and negative characteristics), may not be the case (in fact, it probably isn’t). In the case of quadrant 1, the more infor-
talents that we possess, as well mation that you reveal about yourself, the larger this quadrant will be. Put another way,
as other pieces of information the more you open up to others, the larger the open area will be.
that others share. What aspects
of your personality or talents
you have did you learn about Blind: Not Known to Self but Known to Others. Quadrant 2 is a blind
from others, and might not area. This window contains information that other people know about you, but that
have known about if someone you do not know. Perhaps when you were in grade school, as a joke someone put a
had not shared them with you? sign on your back that said, “Kick me.” Everyone was aware of the sign but you. The
How have others helped you
learn about yourself?
blind window represents much the same situation. For example, you may see yourself
as generous, but others may see you as a tightwad. As you learn how others see you,
the blind window gets smaller. Generally, the more accurately you know yourself and
self-awareness A person’s perceive how others see you, the better your chances to establish open and honest rela-
conscious understanding of who he
or she is.
tionships with others.
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Johari Window model Model of Hidden: Known to Self but Not Known to Others. Quadrant 3 is a
self-disclosure that summarizes
how self-awareness is influenced
hidden area. This area contains information that you know about yourself, but that
by self-disclosure and information others do not know about you. You can probably think of many facts, thoughts, feel-
about yourself from others. ings, and fantasies that you would not want anyone else to know. They may be feelings

FIGURE 2.6
Variations on the
Open Blind
Johari Window

Open Blind

Hidden Unknown

(A) A new relationship for someone (B) An intimate relationship

who is very self-aware

you have about another person or something you’ve done privately in the past that
you’d be embarrassed to share with others. The point here is not to suggest you should
share all information in the hidden area with others. It is useful to know, however,
that part of who you are is known by some people, but remains hidden from others.

Unknown: Not Known to Self or Others. Quadrant 4 is an unknown area.

This area contains information that is unknown to both you and others. These are
things you do not know about yourself yet. Perhaps you do not know how you will
react under certain stressful situations. Maybe you are not sure what stand you will take
on a certain issue next year or even next week. Other people may also not be aware of
how you would respond or behave under certain conditions. Your personal potential,
your untapped physical and mental resources, are unknown. You can assume that this
area exists, because eventually some (though not necessarily all) of these things will
become known to you, to others, or to both you and others. Because you can never
know yourself completely, the unknown quadrant will always exist; you can only guess
at its current size, because the information it contains is unavailable to you.
We can draw Johari Windows to represent each of our relationships; see Figure
2.6. Part A shows a new or restricted relationship for someone who knows himself or
herself very well. The open and blind quadrants are small, but the unknown quadrant
is also small. Part B shows a very intimate relationship, in which both individuals are
open and disclosing.

Self and Communication Social Style

Over time we develop general patterns or styles of relating to others based on several
factors, including our personality, self-concept, self-esteem, and what we choose to
disclose to others. Our general style of relating to others is called our communication
social style; it is an identifiable way of habitually communicating with others. The
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concept of communication social styles originates in the work of Carl Jung who, in his
book Psychological Types, described people according to four types: thinkers, feelers,
intuiters, and sensors.65 (The Myers-Briggs personality inventory, which in part communication social style An
assesses ways of relating to others, is based on Jung’s types.) Communication identifiable way of habitually
researchers built on Jung’s pioneering work to identify communication social styles. communicating with others.

The communication social style we develop helps others interpret our messages and
predict how we will behave. As they get to know us, other people begin to expect us to
communicate in a certain way, based on previous associations with us.66
According to communication researchers William Snavely and John McNeill, the
notion of communication social style is based on four underlying assumptions about
human behavior:
1. We develop consistent communication behavior patterns over time.
2. We form impressions of others based on their verbal and nonverbal behavior.
3. We interact with others based on our perceptions of them.
4. We develop our perceptions of others based primarily on two dimensions:
assertiveness and responsiveness.67
A variety of different communication social style models have been developed
during the past 30 years. Regardless of the specific model (some models describe four
styles, others include just two), there is general agreement on the two fundamental
dimensions of assertiveness (which focuses on accomplishing a task) and responsive-
ness (which emphasizes concern for relationships) as anchoring elements in deter-
assertiveness Tendency to make mining a person’s social style.68
requests, ask for information, and Assertiveness is the tendency to accomplish a task by making requests, asking for
generally pursue one’s own rights
information, and generally looking out for one’s own rights and best interests. An
and best interests.
assertive style is sometimes called a “masculine” style. By masculine, we don’t mean
responsiveness Tendency to be that only males can be assertive, but that in many cultures, males are expected to be
sensitive to the needs of others,
assertive. You are assertive when you seek information if you are confused or direct
including being sympathetic to
others’ feelings and placing the others to help you get what you need.
feelings of others above one’s Responsiveness is the tendency to focus on the dynamics of relationships with
own feelings. others by being sensitive to their needs. Being other-oriented and sympathetic to the

Building Your Skills What’s Your Communication Social Style?

Directions: The following questionnaire lists 20 personality char- _____ 11. dominant
acteristics. Please indicate the degree to which you believe each of _____ 12. sincere
these characteristics applies to you, as you normally communicate _____ 13. gentle
with others, by marking whether you (5) strongly agree that it
_____ 14. willing to take a stand
applies, (4) agree that it applies, (3) are undecided, (2) disagree that
it applies, or (1) strongly disagree that it applies. There are no right _____ 15. warm
or wrong answers. Work quickly; record your first impression. _____ 16. tender

_ 1. helpful _ 17. friendly

_ 2. defends own beliefs _ 18. acts as a leader

_ 3. independent _ 19. aggressive

_ 4. responsive to others _ 20. competitive

_____ 5. forceful
Scoring: Items 2, 3, 5, 6, 9, 11, 14, 18, 19, and 20 measure
_____ 6. has strong personality
assertiveness. Add the scores on these items to get your assertive-
_____ 7. sympathetic ness score. Items 1, 4, 7, 8, 10, 12, 13, 15, 16, and 17 measure
_____ 8. compassionate responsiveness. Add the scores on these items to get your respon-
siveness score. Scores range from 50 to 10. The higher your scores,
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_____ 9. assertive
_____ 10. sensitive to the needs of others the higher your orientation toward assertiveness and responsiveness.

Source: James C. McCroskey and Virginia P. Richmond, Fundamentals of Human Communication: An Interpersonal Perspective
(Prospect Heights, IL: Waveland Press, 1996), 91. Reprinted with permission of James C. McCroskey and Virginia P. Richmond.

TABLE 2.1 Identifying Assertive Behaviors in Others 69

More Assertive People Tend To Less Assertive People Tend To

Speech • Talk more • Talk less

• Talk faster • Talk more slowly
• Talk loudly • Talk softly

Body • Move faster • Move more slowly

• Appear more energetic • Appear less energetic
• Lean forward • Lean backward

feelings of others, and placing others’ feelings above your own are examples of being
responsive. Researchers sometimes label responsiveness a “feminine” quality. Again,
this does not mean that only women are or should be responsive, only that many cul-
tures stereotype being responsive as a traditional and expected behavior of females.
To assess your style on the assertiveness and responsiveness dimensions, take the
sociocommunicative orientation test by James McCroskey and Virginia Richmond in
the Building Your Skills box. You may discover that you test higher on one dimension
than on others. It’s also possible to be high on both or low on both. Assertiveness and
responsiveness are two different dimensions; you need not have just one or the other.
Another way to identify your communication social style is to ask your friends,
family members, and colleagues who know you best to help you assess your style.
They are in the best position to determine your overall behavior that contributes to
their perceptions of you as assertive or nonassertive, responsive or nonresponsive.
It’s all well and good to understand your own communication social style and
know how your self-concept, self-esteem, personality, and even your biology con-
tribute to a predominant way of interacting with others. But as we’ve noted before: It’s
not always about you. At the heart of interpersonal communication is relating to
others. Understanding your self in relationship to the style of other people can help
you make mindful decisions about how to relate to them. But let us be clear: We’re
not talking about how to manipulate other people—we’re talking about how to ethi-
cally and sensitively enhance the quality of your communication with others.
How can you assess another person’s communication social style? Although
you’re probably not going to have your friends, family members, colleagues, and
acquaintances take a test to assess their communication style, you can look for
behaviors that indicate their levels of assertiveness and responsiveness.
The longer you know someone, the more likely you are to be able to accurately
identify another person’s social style. Tables 2.1 and 2.2 list a few behaviors that may
indicate assertiveness or responsiveness. The tables are based on research on the

TABLE 2.2 Identifying Responsive Behaviors in Others 70

More Responsive People Tend To Less Responsive People Tend To

Speech • Use more pitch variation • Use less pitch variation

• Take a brief time to respond • Take a longer time to respond
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• Use more vocal energy • Use less vocal energy

Body • Show more facial animation when talking • Show less facial animation when talking
• Use more head nods • Use fewer head nods
• Use smoother, flowing gestures • Use more hesitant, nonflowing gestures

majority population of North Americans, so there are cultural and ethnic limita-
tions to these lists. And we certainly don’t claim that by observing these few cues,
you can definitively determine someone’s communication social style. But the tables
will give you some initial ideas that you can use to later refine your impressions.
Experts who study and apply communication social style research suggest that the
simplest way to adapt your style to enhance communication quality is to communi-
cate in ways that more closely match the style of the other person. Keep the following
principles in mind as you consider your communication social style and the social
styles of others:
● Most people have a dominant communication social style (a primary way of
interacting with others) that includes the two dimensions of assertiveness and
responsiveness.
● There is no single best communication social style to use in all situations—there
are advantages and disadvantages to every style, and the specific circumstances
should help you determine whether you should be more assertive or more
responsive toward others.
● To enhance interpersonal communication, it’s useful to understand both your
style and the style of the other person and then decide whether to adapt your
communication social style.

APPLYING AN OTHER-ORIENTATION
to Self and Interpersonal Communication
“To thine own self be true.” In this Rather, as an other-oriented commu- The word credo means belief.
famous line from Act I, Scene iii of nicator, you are aware of the thoughts What’s your personal credo or set of
Hamlet, Polonius is providing advice and feelings of others, but remain true beliefs? Being aware of your per-
to his son Laertes as Laertes pre- to your own ethics and beliefs. For sonal beliefs—whether those beliefs
pares to travel abroad. Polonius example, if you object to watching are about things philosophical, or
gives Laertes a number of sugges- violent movies, and a group of your spiritual, about human nature, or
tions, and concludes with this wise friends invites you to see a “slasher” about the political and social issues
fatherly advice: “This above all, to movie, you don’t have to attend with of the day—can serve as an anchor-
thine own self be true,/And it must them. Nor do you have to make a ing point for your interactions with
follow, as the night the day,/Thou self-righteous speech about your feel- others. Without knowing where your
canst not then be false to any man.” ings about violent movies; you simply “home” is—your personal credo—
In this chapter we’ve discussed the can excuse yourself after calmly say- you’ll not know how far away from
significance of your self-perception ing you don’t like those kinds of “home” you travel as you make your
and self-esteem and how these self- movies. You don’t have to do what way in the world and relate to others.
perceptions affect your relationships others do simply to be popular. As There is sometimes a tension
with others. Although we’ve empha- your mother may have said when you between being true to yourself and
sized the importance of being other- were growing up, “If all of your friends being true to others. Consider draft-
oriented, we conclude the chapter by jumped off a cliff, would you jump ing your own personal credo, your
echoing Polonius’s advice to his son: too?” In essence, your mother was statement of core beliefs, so that you
Be true to yourself. echoing Polonius’s counsel to be true might more mindfully follow Polo-
ISBN 0-558-82929-5

To be other-oriented doesn’t mean to yourself rather than blindly follow- nius’s advice to be true to yourself as
only behaving in people-pleasing ways ing the herd to be popular. you relate to others.
in order to ingratiate yourself to them.

Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others, Sixth Edition, by Steven A. Beebe, Susan J. Beebe and Mark V. Redmond. Published by Allyn & Bacon.
Copyright © 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc.
STUDY GUIDE
Review, Apply, and Explore
Self-Concept: Who You ____Honesty ____Justice
Think You Are ____Salvation ____Wealth
(pages 33–43) ____Comfort ____Beauty
____Good health ____Equality
Self-concept plays an important role in interpersonal commu- ____Human rights ____Freedom
nication. Understanding who you are is essential to under- ____Peace ____Mercy
standing others and becoming other-oriented in your interper-
sonal communication and relationships. Self-concept is your
Web Resources
subjective description of who you think you are. It is filtered
through your own perceptions and is different from the way http://www.queendom.com Assess your personality and other
others see you. A classic framework for describing who you are communication-related variables.
identifies three components of the self: the material self, the
social self, and the spiritual self. Self-concept is also reflected in
Self-Esteem
the attitudes, beliefs, and values you hold. You develop your
(pages 43–49)
self-concept and the different dimensions of self in five ways:
through interactions with other individuals, association with Your self-esteem is closely related to your self-concept. Your
groups, roles you assume, self-labels, and your personality. self-concept is a description of who you are, whereas your self-
esteem is an evaluation of who you are. This sense of self-worth
Key Terms (self-esteem) is often derived from comparing yourself to oth-
Self 33 Attachment style 39 ers, in terms of skills, personal appearance, material posses-
Self-concept 33 Secure attachment style 39 sions, or other qualities or characteristics. In a process called
Attitude 33 Anxious attachment style 39 facework, we use communication to maintain a positive self-
Belief 33 Avoidant attachment style 39 perception, as well as to reinforce or challenge others’ percep-
Value 34 Androgynous role 41 tions. Through various techniques such as visualization, talk
Mindfulness 35 Self-reflexiveness 41 therapy, and avoiding social comparisons, you can improve
Subjective self-awareness 35 Psychology 41 your self-esteem, not only in terms of how you think about
Objective self-awareness 35 Personality 41 yourself, but also in terms of how you interact with others.
Symbolic self-awareness 35 Communibiological approach 41
Material self 36 Shyness 41 Key Terms
Social self 37 Communication apprehension 41 Self-worth/self-esteem 43 Face-threatening acts 46
Spiritual self 37 Willingness to communicate 42 Social comparison 43 Politeness theory 46
Looking-glass self 38 Life position 44 Intrapersonal communication 47
Face 45 Visualization 47
Critical Thinking Questions Facework 45 Reframing 48
1. Make a list of all the groups, clubs, and organizations to Preventative facework 45 Social support 49
which you belong. Rank them from most important to you Corrective facework 45 Talk therapy 49
to least important. What does your ranking tell you about
these groups in reference to your self-concept? For exam- Critical Thinking Questions
ple, which groups have you joined more from a desire to 1. Describe a recent event or communication exchange that
belong or for the prestige of the group than because of an made you feel better or worse about yourself. What hap-
interest in or passion for the group’s cause? pened that made you feel good? Or, what made you feel
2. Ethics: Considering again Shakespeare’s line “To thine bad—inadequate, embarrassed, or unhappy? In general,
own self be true,” can you think of instances when you how do your communication exchanges influence your
have not been true to yourself, in your actions, the role(s) self-esteem? Explain. How might visualization or other
you assumed, and/or your interactions with others? Did strategies help?
you know at the time that you were behaving in a way that 2. Do you find that you make social comparisons with
was not compatible with your values? Do you think others others that affect your self-esteem? If so, what qualities of
were aware of this? Explain. others most influence your own view of yourself: appear-
ance, material possessions, skills/talent, something else?
Activities Explain.
ISBN 0-558-82929-5

Rank the following list of values from 1 to 12 to reflect their 3. How does electronically mediated communication (EMC)
importance to you. In a group with other students, compare your influence the comparisons you described in Question 3, and
answers. Discuss how your ranking of these values influences in turn, your self-esteem? Do Facebook profiles play a role?
your interactions with others. Do the mass media play a role in creating those comparisons?
59

4. Ethics: Many self-help books claim to provide sure-fire tech- 2. Describe a situation in which your expectations of the out-
niques for enhancing self-esteem and thus enrich your social come became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Was the outcome
life. Do you think these claims are ethical? Why or why not? positive or negative? Did your self-esteem have an impact?
Explain.
Activities
3. Have you ever shared personal information and found that
Briefly describe an upcoming situation that makes you anxious, what you revealed wasn’t well received or received as you
such as working on a group project, calling a prospective intended? How did you handle the situation?
employer about a job, or competing in a sporting event. What
4. Ethics: Is it always best to be honest when self-disclosing?
strategies are you employing to deal with your nervousness?
What types of self-disclosure might be inappropriate? Are
Describe how visualization might help. Share with your class-
there times when it would be appropriate to withhold
mates a positive scenario, describing the successful outcome.
information? Is that ethical? Explain.
Web Resources 5. Ethics: Carmelita would like to become better friends with
http://www.social-anxiety.com Go to this site to learn more about Hector. She decides to disclose some personal information to
shyness and social phobias; the site also offers case studies. Hector, hoping that this self-disclosure will increase feelings
of intimacy between them. Is it ethical to self-disclose to oth-
ers as a strategy to enhance intimacy in a relationship?
Self and Interpersonal
Relationships Activities
(pages 50–58) Create a Johari Window that includes in square 3 (“hidden,” or
known to self but not to others) five or six adjectives that best
Your self-concept and self-esteem have a direct impact on your describe your personality as you see it. Then ask a close friend
interactions with others—both how you respond to and inter- to fill in square 2 (“blind,” or known to others but not known
pret messages and the communications style you develop and to self) with five or six adjectives to describe your personality.
employ. At the same time, other people have a central impact Separately, ask a classmate you’ve just met to fill in square 2 as
on your self-understanding. Being aware of how your concept well. Compare and contrast. Are the adjectives used by your
of self (“I”) differs from the perceptions others have of you close friend and the acquaintance you’ve just met similar or dif-
(“me”) is an important first step in becoming other-oriented. ferent? Is there any overlap? Now fill in square 1 (“open,” or
Being other-oriented is being mindful of others’ influence on known to self and others) with any adjectives that both you and
you and your self-concept, as well as being sensitive to the either of the other participants chose. What does this tell you
thoughts and feelings of others. This mindfulness, in turn, about what you disclose about yourself to others?
influences how you communicate with others. Self-disclosure, Go through your library of music downloads and CDs and
sharing information about yourself with others, is a key compo- identify a selection that best symbolizes you, based on either the
nent of that communication and is how we establish and main- lyrics or the music. Bring your selection to class to play for your
tain relationships. This becomes our communication style. classmates. Tell why this music symbolizes you. Discuss with
classmates how your choice of music provides a glimpse of your
Key Terms
attitudes and values, as well as a vehicle for self-expression.
Symbolic interaction theory 50 Self-awareness 54
Self-fulfilling prophecy 51 Johari Window model 54 Web Resources
Need for inclusion 53 Communication social style 55
http://abacon.com/commstudies/interpersonal/indisclosure.html
Need for control 53 Assertiveness 56
Want to learn more about the Johari Window? This site about
Need for affection 53 Responsiveness 56
self-disclosure helps explain the Johari Window and gives you
Self-disclosure 53
an opportunity to complete an interactive activity and take a
short quiz to test your understanding of the concept.
Critical Thinking Questions
1. Provide an example of a recent communication exchange http://www.winning-solutions.com/Training/interpersonal.html
with a friend, classmate, family member, or work colleague Check out this site to assess your personality type. Explore rela-
that revealed that some aspect of your perception of your- tionships between your personality and interpersonal commu-
self differed from how the other person perceived you. nication.
Why do you think the perceptions differed? Did knowing
the other person’s perception change your behavior and/or
ISBN 0-558-82929-5

your own perceptions, or not? Explain.

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Interpersonal Communication 6e Ch02

Uploaded by

Interpersonal Communication 6e Ch02

Uploaded by

2

3 List and describe strategies for improving your

4 Describe how your self-concept affects your

5 Identify the effects of your communication style on

P hilosophers suggest that there are three basic ques-

Self-Concept: Who You Think You Are

Building Your Skills Who Are You?

Consider this question: Who are you? I am I am

Are You Conscious of Who You Are? Va l u e s

Subjective Self-Awareness. Subjective self-awareness is the ability that peo-

Objective Self-Awareness. Objective self-awareness is the ability to be the

Stage 1: Unconscious incompetence. You are unaware of your own incompetence.

Stage 4: Unconscious competence. At this level, your skills become

One or Many Selves?

multibillion-dollar diet industry is just one of many

The Social Self. Look at your “Who are you?”

© The New Yorker Collection Peter C. Vey from

cartoonbank.com. All Rights Reserved

RECAP William James’s Dimensions of Self

BEING Other-ORIENTED How Your Self-Concept Develops

to be credible. If we believe the individual is competent, trustworthy, and qualified to

Self and Emotion: How We Influence

Commonsense Theory of Emotion: Something happens Something happens

Self-Esteem: Your Self-Worth

© The New Yorker Collection 2008 Bruce Eric Kaplan from

Facework: Communicating Your Positive

for self and others, as reflected in

Projecting Your Face face A person’s positive

others, only that you should be aware of their expectations so that

Protecting Others’ Face

people have positive perceptions of

behavior. Being able to visualize completing a goal (think-

goal) adds to your overall sense of happiness and well-

Avoid Comparing Yourself with Others

Develop Honest Relationships

Let Go of the Past

Seek Support BEING Other-ORIENTED

RECAP Strategies for Improving Your Self-Esteem

BEING Other-ORIENTED Self and Interpersonal Relationships

of the world based on their

Self and Your Future

Self and Interpretation of Messages

respected by others. ● Be overly responsive to praise and

Self and Interpersonal Needs

Known Not Known deepen your interpersonal relationships with them.63 We

(A) A new relationship for someone (B) An intimate relationship

Unknown: Not Known to Self or Others. Quadrant 4 is an unknown area.

Self and Communication Social Style

Building Your Skills What’s Your Communication Social Style?

_____ 1. helpful _____ 17. friendly

_____ 2. defends own beliefs _____ 18. acts as a leader

_____ 3. independent _____ 19. aggressive

_____ 4. responsive to others _____ 20. competitive

TABLE 2.1 Identifying Assertive Behaviors in Others 69

More Assertive People Tend To Less Assertive People Tend To

Speech • Talk more • Talk less

Body • Move faster • Move more slowly

TABLE 2.2 Identifying Responsive Behaviors in Others 70

More Responsive People Tend To Less Responsive People Tend To

Speech • Use more pitch variation • Use less pitch variation

• Use more vocal energy • Use less vocal energy

your own perceptions, or not? Explain.

You might also like

_ 1. helpful _ 17. friendly

_ 2. defends own beliefs _ 18. acts as a leader

_ 3. independent _ 19. aggressive

_ 4. responsive to others _ 20. competitive