Lesson 1: Understanding Healthy Relationships

Introduction

In this lesson students examine the characteristics and benefits of healthy relationships
and the characteristics of unhealthy relationships. Students also learn about the
importance of effective communication to the development and maintenance of a healthy
relationship. They examine elements and styles of communication, including the potential
impact of technology on effective communication.

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Specific Learning Outcomes

12.HR.1 Demonstrate understanding of the characteristics of healthy and unhealthy

relationships, and discuss factors that might influence their development.
12.HR.2 Demonstrate understanding of effective communication within a relationship
and the potential impact of technology on communication within a
relationship.
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Key Understandings

 Relationships are based on some commonly accepted values (e.g., respect, honesty,
equity, consideration, commitment).
 Healthy relationships result in mental-emotional, social, and physical benefits.
 Controllable and uncontrollable factors affect the dynamics of relationships.
 A healthy relationship is a shared responsibility and requires effective communication.
 The mode and style of communication may affect how a message is understood.
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Essential Questions

1. What are some common characteristics of a healthy relationship and characteristics of

an unhealthy relationship?
2. What are the benefits of a healthy relationship?
3. What controllable and uncontrollable factors affect relationships?
4. What are the components of effective communication in a healthy relationship?
5. What are the implications of different communication media?
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 Background Information

Characteristics of a Healthy Relationship

Healthy relationships are enjoyable and respectful and provide opportunities for many
positive experiences that affect self-esteem. We can develop healthy relationships with
anyone, including family, friends, and dating partners. It takes time, energy, and care to
develop positive, healthy relationships. Relationships made during the teenage years can
become very special and may form an important part of life. There are also many lessons
to be learned from the relationships we have.

Healthy dating relationships should start with

the same ingredients that healthy friendships NOTE TO TEACHER
have, such as effective communication, Cultural Variations in Dating
honesty, and respect. Dating relationships are a Learners in the classroom may reflect a
little different than other relationships, variety of different practices and beliefs
however, because they may include expressions regarding dating. Furthermore, in some
of physical affection that may range from cultures, intermediaries play a role in
hugging, kissing, or holding hands to sexual “matching” potential partners. Some
intercourse. students may be hesitant to share their
experiences if they do not conform to the
All healthy relationships between two partners perceived “norms.”
are characterized by communication, respect,
sharing, and trust. They are based on the belief that both partners are equal and that
decision making in the relationship is shared equally.

InRhealthy
E L A T Irelationships,
O N S H I P Cwe
H Amust
R A Cmaintain
T E R I S the
T I Cfreedom
S* to be ourselves. It is important to
maintain an individual identity, regardless of the type of relationship being pursued.
Some important characteristics of a healthy relationship are identified below.
Closeness our identity in a romantic relationship also means nurturing the other
Maintaining
 You are caring
relationships and loyal.
we already have with family and friends. At first, dating couples may want
tospend all their
You trust yourtime with each other, but it is equally important for couples to spend
partner.
 apart
time so that
You share yourthey can maintain healthy relationships with other people. These
feelings.
relationships
 You support provide perspective,
your partner and can
during illness be a valuable
or during source of support when a couple
stressful times.
experiences difficult or
Shared Goals and Beliefs stressful times in a romantic relationship or when the relationship
ends.
 You share beliefs and values.
 You recognize and respect differences in each other.
A healthy relationship should be satisfying and
Shared Experiences
promote individual growth. Establishing
 You share common interests and NOTE TO TEACHER
friends/acquaintances.
mutually acceptable boundaries based on
 You talk
personal valuesabout
is your experiences
important As discussions
and accept and respect
in any each other’sabout the characteristics
individual interests. of
a healthy relationship take place, the term
Communication
relationship. Romantic partners should never
intimate may come up. Develop a class
 You are
pressure each otherwith
honest to do things
each other.they have definition of the term so that students
 Younot
agreed to do.
listen Mutual
to each other.respect means not have a common understanding of its
only giving
Respect respect to a partner, but also meaning.
showing
 respect for oneself.
You use respectful language and do not act in ways that demean your partner.
 You understand your partner’s wishes and feelings.
 You are ready to compromise—to meet your partner halfway.
Humour
 You and your partner enjoy being with each other and can laugh together.
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Affection
212
 YouGshow
r a d e 1 2 A c t i v e H e a l
your partner you care.
t h y L i f e s t y l e s

 You show each other affection in many ways.

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* Source: Sexuality Education Resource Centre Manitoba, 2006. Adapted with permission.
 REFERENCES
For additional information about healthy relationships, refer to the following websites:
MyLaurier Student Portal. “Healthy Relationships.” Student Health and Development.
2007. <www.mylaurier.ca/development/info/Relationships.htm >.
Palo Alto Medical Foundation. “ABCs of a Healthy Relationship.” Teen Health Info. Jan.
2008. <www.pamf.org/teen/abc/>.
Thompson Rivers University (TRU). “Healthy Relationships.” TRU Wellness Centre. 2009.
<www.tru.ca/wellness/physical/sexualhealth/healthy.html >.
For website updates, please visit Websites to Support the Grades 11 and 12 Curriculum at
<www.edu.gov.mb.ca/k12/cur/physhlth/>.

Characteristics of an Unhealthy Relationship

Relationships generally start out with good intentions. As relationships develop,

disagreements and conflicts will arise. Conflict is not necessarily negative if we deal with

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 it appropriately. How we deal with conflict is based on a given situation, as well as on
previously learned behaviours.

In some conflict situations, people may use behaviours that are considered unhealthy or
abusive, and may include the following:
 Emotional: making degrading comments, ignoring, isolating, controlling friendships
and/or activities, threatening
 Physical: slapping, pushing, punching
 Sexual: unwanted touching, forced or coerced sex
 Financial: taking or withholding money, controlling spending
These abusive behaviours will be examined more closely in Module E, Lesson 3.
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Suggestion for Instruction / Assessment

Characteristics of Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships

Using the Think-Pair-Share strategy (see Appendix E), have students reflect on the
characteristics of healthy and unhealthy relationships.

Directions/Description
 Working individually, students identify what NOTE TO TEACHER
they think are the characteristics of a healthy Remind students to avoid using names
relationship and the characteristics of an or specific situations when providing
unhealthy relationship. examples of relationships so that the
people involved cannot be identified by
 Once they have identified characteristics for anyone in the class.
each category, students work in pairs to rank
their top three to five characteristics in each category.
 As a class, identify the top five characteristics in each category.
 Then have each group identify what each characteristic would look like in a healthy
relationship and in an unhealthy relationship, giving specific examples if possible.
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Suggestion for Instruction / Assessment

Relationship Values

This learning activity provides students with an opportunity to reflect on which

characteristics or values are important to them in a relationship, and to what degree.

Have each student complete RM 1–HR. Encourage students to elaborate on their answers,
using more paper as needed.

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 Refer to RM 1–HR: Relationship Values.

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Background Information

Benefits of Healthy Relationships

Our psychological health and physical well-being depend heavily on our ability to form
close relationships. The process of relationship building begins with our families, moves
to the formation of friendships, and may eventually lead to romantic relationships. All
these relationships help us to develop interpersonal skills and provide experiences that
assist us in fine-tuning our emotions and feelings.

Our first relationships are with our parents or caregivers. When caregivers feed and
nurture children, they provide a sense of security, trust, and belonging, thus forming a
powerful mutual bond. Children who are benefiting from healthy, loving, and nurturing
relationships will seek proximity or contact with their caregivers. As adults, these
individuals will be more likely to trust other people, feeling secure that they won’t be
abandoned or rejected. This initial relationship with caregivers has implications on many
of the relationships that will follow.

Children who do not experience a secure, healthy relationship in early childhood may
become avoidant, resistant, or ambivalent toward their parents/caregivers. As adolescents
and adults, these individuals may have a difficult time trusting friends and intimate
partners, or letting people get too close for fear of being hurt or rejected.

One of the keys to creating a meaningful and special relationship for life is to affect
someone positively at an emotional level. Caring about someone, particularly at a time of
need, learning to have faith and trust in others and ourselves, and sharing ourselves with
others are some ways to build healthy relationships and to bring about positive outcomes,
which will enrich our lives and the lives of others.

Factors Affecting Relationships

In all relationships, people experience times of difficulty. Problems often arise because
the people in the relationships have different expectations, become distracted with other
issues, or have difficulty expressing what is on their minds. Some of the issues or
concerns are controllable, while others are, or are perceived to be, uncontrollable.
Common problems exist in most relationships and, if they remain unresolved, can lead
to a break-up.

Examples of issues encountered in the common problem areas in relationships are

listed below.

Practical/ Compatibility Commitment Affection/Intimacy

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 Logistical Issues Issues Issues Issues
 Physical  Age/mat  Too  Communication
distance from urity busy with other issues
partner  Values activities/  Power and
 Financial or beliefs people control
issues  Personal  Unsupp  Attraction issues
 Family character and ortive of  Mental-emotional
issues (e.g., family attitude partner’s needs, issues (e.g., low self-
acceptance)  Personal goals, activities esteem, jealousy)
goals  Issues  Behaviours
 Culture of infidelity associated with
and language demonstrating
 Religion affection/intimacy
 Intellect  Emotional or
physical abuse

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Suggestion for Instruction / Assessment

What’s the Problem?
Using the Carousel Brainstorming strategy (see Appendix E), have students identify
common issues under each of the four common problem areas in relationships.

Directions/Description
 On separate pieces of flipchart paper, write the four common problem areas
encountered in relationships:
Practical/ Compatibility Commitment Affection/
Logistical Issues Issues Issues Intimacy Issues

 Divide the class into four groups and assign each group to one of the four problem
areas identified.
 Give the groups a specific amount of time to brainstorm and record their ideas about
possible examples related to the problem area.

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  After the allotted time has expired, have the groups move to the next flipchart paper
with a different problem area. The groups review the examples already recorded and
offer others if they can. This process continues until each group has visited each of the
four problem areas.
 Allow groups to revisit their original problem area to view additional examples
offered by the other groups.

Possible Debriefing Questions

1. Did you have any difficulty identifying examples under any of the problem areas?
If so, under which one(s)?
2. Did any of the examples seem trivial? Explain.
3. Do any of the four problem areas seem more problematic than others? Explain.
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Suggestion for Instruction / Assessment

NOTE TO TEACHER
Reflecting on Relationships Due to the sensitive nature of this
learning activity, please be aware of
Have students reflect on relationships by completing and follow divisional policies/
RM 2–HR. guidelines with respect to the
delivery of sensitive content. Also be
Refer to RM 2–HR: Reflecting on aware that there may be disclosures
which, by law, you must report to
Relationships.
the appropriate authorities.
As this learning activity is personal
Students will be asked to review their responses to
and confidential, students would not
the questions, and revise any of their comments, at hand it in. Simply ensure that it has
the end of Module E, Lesson 4. been completed.

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Background Information

Communication: The Cornerstone to Healthy Relationships

A relationship does not exist without communication. A healthy relationship does not exist
without effective communication. Through effective communication we create the
characteristics of healthy relationships, such as trust, openness, and intimacy. We need
effective communication to resolve conflicts, solve problems, and make decisions that
contribute to the strength of a relationship. While patterns of communication may vary
according to our personal style and family and cultural background, being able to express
our values, opinions, feelings, and dreams is important in any meaningful relationship.

Everything we know about ourselves and others can only be processed through some
form of communication. Effective communication is a shared responsibility that involves
both sending and receiving messages. Strategies for effective communication involve
verbal skills, active listening, and the ability to resolve problems or issues.

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 Communication in relationships is one of
the most complex and strategic activities of NOTE TO TEACHER
human beings. It often takes place at an
When addressing communication in healthy
emotional level as we disclose our likes and relationships, be sensitive to the cultural
dislikes, our opinions and suggestions, and backgrounds and life experiences of students in
our wants and needs. This intimate form of your classroom.
communication is best done face to face Communication patterns and behaviours can vary
when each person is able to use the full significantly between people of different cultures
range of verbal and non-verbal nuances of and backgrounds, and as a result of personal or
communication so that a message is family preferences. Depending on the individuals
and their cultural backgrounds, values and beliefs,
delivered clearly and received without
and experiences with diversity, certain behaviours
misunderstandings. related to active listening, and to communication in
general, may be encouraged or discouraged.
We traditionally establish our Please keep in mind that some students may be
communication skills by observing and unaware of, or uncomfortable with, what others
imitating others around us. It is, therefore, may consider “standard” practices of active
important to provide students with many listening, such as direct eye contact, proximity, and
opportunities to practise effective physical contact.
communication strategies.

Technological Means of Communication

We are living in an age that places great importance on communication. Never before has
communication been as prolific or as fast as it is today. Advances in the way we
communicate are being made daily through technology that involves computers, the
Internet, satellites, and more. The methods of communication now available through
technology include wired, wireless, and mobile voice messaging, text messaging, email,
and a variety of Internet options (e.g., chat rooms, instant messaging, blogs, personal web
pages).

All methods of communication serve a

purpose, but each method still requires the ELEMENTS OF
same considerations of trust, respect, and COMMUNICATION
kindness. It becomes increasingly difficult, in
the many forms of modern communication, to A message is constructed of the following
elements (Meade):
convey emotional messages when the subtle
shades of meaning expressed through verbal  Words (what you say) account for 7%
of the message.
and non-verbal communication are not present.
What we say is important in any meaningful  Voice and tone (e.g., pitch, volume)
account for 38% of the message.
relationship, but how we say something is also
 Body language (e.g., posture, facial
a vital part of the message. In fact, much of
expression, proximity) accounts for
what we say is “heard” through non-verbal 55% of the message.
means of communication (e.g., body language,
tone, pitch, emotion).

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 Forming and building relationships by technological means is not without its risks and
dangers. Conversing with someone via email or text messaging has left many people
wondering exactly how a message was meant and has resulted in critical
misunderstandings and conflict. Connecting and building a relationship with someone on
the Internet, where anonymity and pretence are pervasive, has led to many unfortunate
and life-threatening situations.

REFERENCES
For additional information on communication, refer to the following websites:
Kelly Services, Inc. “Effective Communication.” Careers. 2009.
<www.kellyservices.ca/web/ca/services/en/pages/effectivecommunication.html>.
Meade, Lynn. “Nonverbal Communication.” The Message. 16 Jan. 2003.
<http://lynn_meade.tripod.com/id56.htm>.
For website updates, please visit Websites to Support the Grades 11 and 12 Curriculum at
<www.edu.gov.mb.ca/k12/cur/physhlth/>.

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Suggestion for Instruction / Assessment

How Do I Say It?

Keeping in mind the elements of a message, have a class discussion about the appropriate
use of various modes (e.g., face to face, email, texting, instant messaging, letters) of
communicating various messages (e.g., greeting, arguing, breaking up) within a
relationship and what the positive or negative impact may be. Have students consider
how modes of communication in relationships may differ between generations.

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Background Information

Steps to Loving Communication*

The following steps are ways to ensure healthy communication that is open, trusting, and
reciprocal:
1. Have reasonable expectations. Keep in mind that partners are not mind readers. Tell
each other what you mean. There will be times when you disagree.
2. Know your own feelings. If you feel unhappy or uncomfortable, take time to think
about how you really feel and why, so you can do something about it.

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* Source: Sexuality Education Resource Centre Manitoba, 2003. Adapted with permission.

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M o d u l e E , L e s s o n 1  219
 3. Recognize and correct communication-blocking habits. Try not to generalize with
“Never” or “Always” statements. Work at not belittling someone who disagrees
with you.
4. Think before you speak. Take a deep breath so you have time to think about what
you want to say and can say it with care. Focus on the behaviour or issue and not the
person. Use respectful language.
5. Allow the other person to save face. Don’t embarrass your partner in public by
arguing or putting him or her on the defensive in front of friends.
6. Use assertive communication. Use assertive language, such as “I” statements
(e.g., I feel frustrated when you are late).
7. Decide what is negotiable and what is not. Know where and when to compromise
and when to let well enough alone.
8. Make time for communication. Your relationship deserves time, so make time to be
together and just talk to each other.
9. Learn to listen. Don’t jump to conclusions.
10. Give each other compliments and positive comments. It’s sometimes harder to say
something to show you care than to argue.

Styles of Communication
Just as there are various modes of communication, there are also different styles of
communication. The following represent four common styles of communication:
 Passive-passive communication is viewed as non-participatory. There is very little
interaction. Passive communicators are seen as shy and withdrawn. They would much
rather “go with the flow” than face a confrontation.
 Passive-aggressive communication is viewed as manipulative. Passive-aggressive
communicators may seem to agree to avoid confrontation (passive) but will
manipulate others to say things for them or say things behind someone’s back
(aggressive).
 Aggressive-aggressive communication is viewed as controlling. Aggressive
communicators will take control and dominate conversations. In order to “win,”
aggressive communicators feel they need to put others down to protect themselves.
 Assertive-assertive communication is viewed as open and honest. Assertive
communicators are respectful and turn potential win-lose situations into win-win or
win-learn situations. Assertive communicators will be direct, use “I” statements, and
be sensitive to others. Assertive communication is seen as the most effective style of
communication.

While it is important for students to know the characteristics of these four styles of
communication, this module focuses on how to communicate assertively. In Module E,
Lesson 3, students have opportunities to develop and practise assertive communication
skills.

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