INTERACTING WITH SOCIETY AS A COUPLE

CHILDREN

Raising a child isn’t easy. In fact, it’s among the most challenging and all -consuming
responsibilities we have in life. But good parenting is vital—to the society & to Allah.

Both mother and father have a necessary and important role in the lives of their children.
Parents’ work in the home will be more effective if their first priorities are Allah, each other,
and their children.

A home that is safe, where children can grow mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually,
requires faith and the best efforts of the parents.

While there is a lot to be said on the rights and duties of children but we’ll not go into it and
only look at matters in which, you as a couple can affect your child.

The husband-wife relationship is the base of the pyramid the rest of the family is built upon. If
there is a crack in the base, everything else is affected.

Husband and wife in a marriage are meant to be equal, partners. The husband is the
head of the household and is responsible for the temporal welfare of his family. His
role is to support his wife. The wife is also to support her husband and to nurture
her family both spiritually and emotionally. Husband and wife are meant to work
side by side in providing a safe haven from the world for their family. Their roles are
different, but equally important and essential to building the family and the
community.

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Fighting in front of the children

Parents who fight in front of their children are harming the psyche of their children
unknowingly. These are a few things to be kept in mind IF an argument arises between the
husband and wife.

 Put yourself in your children's shoes. Would you like to be a s pectator to your fights?

 Say Aoudhubillah and just give it a few seconds before you respond. Try not to argue
when you're seeing red. Take time to cool off before discussing your problems.

 Remember that when it comes to fighting between spouses, it doesn't help to fight fire
with fire. Raising your voice, name-calling and door-slamming will only serve to fuel the
fight.

 When you recite Aoudhubillah and give yourself time to cool off and think, you will
often find that while you may think you're fighting about long working hours or money,
it may actually just be a manifestation of the fact that you're tired, under stress or
feeling neglected. Try to analyze what the real issue is.

 Try not to focus on laying blame and trying to make your spouse grovel and see the
error of his or her ways. The idea is to come to a solution not punish your spouse.

 If you have issues to resolve with your spouse try to wait till your children are asleep
or go into another room to have your argument.

 If you've had a massive argument in front of your children, make it a point to let them
know that they are not to blame and that sometimes parents do fight, but it does not
mean that they love each other or their children any less.

 If possible, try to explain what you were upset about in simple terms that they can
understand. But try not to alarm them or speak in a manner that they feel obliged to
take sides or turn hostile to your spouse.

 Explain to your children that losing your temper was a mistake and that you may have
said many things you didn't mean just because you were angry.

 Make every attempt to make up with your spouse so that you can present an united,
normal front to your children as soon as possible.

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Building individual relationships

Parents can have different opinions on the same topic but showing this indifference to the
child will harm him/her. A child is a good manipulator and he/she can easily manipulate a
parent if he/she knows that a difference exists between their thinking. Here are some tips to
strike a good balance.

It is very natural for parents to have different views on child rearing.

Sometimes the mother may be too strict while the father is lenient. Other
times the father may believe in spanking a child who misbehaves while the
mother strongly opposes this. So how would two parents, with completely
opposing points of view, come to an agreement?

Respect

Ideally a couple should have an agreement and a similar vision. But it is

also natural to have different views. However, it is important to respect
your partner's right to his or her own stance on child rearing. Although the
father will have more rights but as a couple should try not to impose your
opinions on your partner. If you believe hitting a child is wrong, then don't
hit your child, but don't stop your partner from doing so.

Permission

Very often when children don't get permission from one parent, they rush to the other. In such
a case it is important not to overrule a decision once made. If your partner has denied
permission and your child comes wailing to you, ask your child to sit back and reflect on why
he/she thinks he/she has not got the permission, and what he/she can do in the future to
ensure she gets it.

If you believe that the child should be given the permission, then you should make s ure that
you actually ask the partner to allow the children instead of you doing it yourself. This breads
respect for both parents and we give the impression to the children that we work as a team
and not as individuals.

Note: Being a team does not mean that the child sees both as equal, it is Islamic for the child
to know that the Father is the head of the family and has the bigger say but also the child
should know that the mother is the one the father listens to most and they work as a team.

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Playing parents against each other

If you take the side of your child against the other parent, your child will start playing you and
your partner against each other. This will give the child the feeling that one partner is stronger
than the other in the relationship, and will take, what the child perceives to be the 'weaker'
partner, for granted. Your child will not hesitate in running to you and saying "Mommy slapped
me!" and then will sit back and take in the scene as you rush to the child’s defence by berating
mommy.

Individual relationships

Your child has an individual relationship with each parent, and the other parent should not
interfere in such a relationship. In addition, parents have to respect children's individual
relationships with not just the other parent, but also with friends and other relatives. If granny
spoils your child, there's really nothing you can do about it.

The parents as a team should work on not allowing scenarios like a granny saying to you, "Okay,
stop shouting at her now! Enough!" and to your child, "Come here sweety, granny will give you
a cookie," and this is done more often than not - then it needs to be dealt with in the best way
possible, without hurting the feeling of the elders we should try to make her realise that this
is not okay. Remember there are far more positive influences of having the elders around
children then negatives so just be sure that if it is really really needed before you take any
action.

Privacy of the Couple

As much as you love your child, you should keep in mind that your spouse has an equally
important place in your life and should not be side lined at the arrival of a new baby. Both the
parents have to work hard on striking a balance between parenting and maintaining a warm
relationship with their better half.

For the sexual training of children, the parents must first teach their children not to enter their
bedroom without asking permission. Allāh (Swt) has pointed to this important point in Surat
Nūr, Verse 58:

َ ‫ث َم َّر ا تٍ ِم ن ق َبْ ِل‬

ِ‫ص ال َةِ ا لْ ف َ ْج ر‬ َ َ ‫س ت َأ ْ ِذ ن ُ ُك ُم ا ل َّ ِذ ينَ َم ل َ َك تْ أ َيْ َم ا ن ُ ُك ْم َو ا ل َّ ِذ ينَ ل َ ْم ي َبْ ل ُغُ وا ا لْ ُح ل ُ َم ِم ن كُ ْم ث َال‬
ْ َ ‫ي َا أ َ ي ُّ هَ ا ا ل َّ ِذ ينَ آ َم ن ُوا ل ِي‬
‫ع ْو َر ا تٍ ل َّ ُك ْم‬َ ‫ث‬ ُ َ ‫ص ال َةِ ا لْ ِع شَاء ث َال‬ َ ‫ض عُونَ ث ِي َا ب َكُ م ِّم نَ ال ظ َّهِ ي َر ةِ َو ِم نْ ب َ ْع ِد‬ َ َ ‫َو ِح ينَ ت‬

“O you who have faith! Let your permission be sought by your slaves and those of you who
have not reached puberty three times: before the dawn prayer, and when you put off your
garments at noon, and after the night prayer. These are three times of privacy for you .”

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PARENTS AND IN-LAWS

It is a wide spread misconception in many cultures that a woman has no duties towards her
parents once she is married and they become an obligation on the sons which is completely
incorrect. A daughter has the same duties towards her parents as the son. She has to serve
them, take care of them and spend on them (if she has a source of income) according to her
ability and her husband’s permission.

“The responsibilities of a married woman towards her parents are like those of any other
woman. The rights of the parents remain both before and after marriage, but obedience to the
husband takes precedence over obedience to the parents if there is a conflict.

If the command of the parents conflicts with the command of the husband, then what takes
precedence is the command of the husband. But the Muslim husband and the Muslim wife
must strive to avoid conflict with the parents, and strive to achieve harmony between them
and their parents.

One of the matters to which the married woman should pay attentio n concerning her parents
is that she should strive to visit them from time to time, and give them appropriate gifts even
if they have no real material value. She should try to avoid letting her children’s misbehaviour
annoy them when visiting them, and avoid telling them about marital disagreements.

Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid - “If her parents need money and she is able to spend on
them, then it is obligatory for her to spend on them as much as she is able to. If she does not
have money of her own, but she intercedes with her husband, if he has money, to help her
parents, then she will be rewarded for that in sha Allah. This is part of honouring her parents.”

Similarly, it is believed that once the son gets married, the obligation to serve his parent s
automatically goes to the new daughter in law which is Islamically not correct. The wife of the
son is in no way obligated to serve her in-laws except if she does so out of kindness. The wife
does not have to obey anyone among her in-laws, whether that is her husband’s father,
mother, brothers or sisters, in any matter, major or minor, unless they tell her to do something
which is obligatory according to Islam, or forbid her to do something that is haraam. In such
matters she has to obey, whether that comes from a relative or a stranger, an in-law or anyone
else. Click Here for details. It is the duty of the son to look after his parents even after he gets
married. He is the one answerable to Allah but if the wife takes up the responsibility to relieve
him then she’ll In Sha Allah be rewarded for it.

This, in no ways means that the women should stop serving their parent in law s. This is from
her good manners to serve the elders and her serving the parents of her husband, pleases him
and helps increase love and harmony.

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This is mentioned mainly for the brothers to realize that the wife is doing something extra and
that he should be thankful for her doing this. Unfortunately, in many cultures the women serve
her parent-in-laws endlessly and the husbands just take it for granted as that is an obligation
on her.

Also, it is necessary for the man (son in law) to treat his wife’s pa rents with respect
specially if he expects her to to do the same with his parents,

DEALING WITH MOTHER & WIFE WHO DO NOT GET ALONG

There are two general but golden rules in this…

1. “Do not fix something that is not broken”

2. “Do not seek perfection”

We need to realise that this is a relation which is delicate and should be handled that way and
men should intervene as and when there is an utmost need.

If the wife comes and complains about his mother (where he feels his mother is not right), he
should tell her that he understands, ask her to have sabr for which Allah will reward her and
that he appreciates her for this. This way the man has acknowledged the concern from his wife
and also gave her motivation to be good to his mother. Many problems arise when the man
directly disregards her making her feel all alone and depressed which worsens the relation
between all three.

Similarly if your mother complains about your wife, do not just rush to your wife and question
her about the matter. Be just, if the wife is not wrong and it’s a trivial matter just hear your
mother out that might calm her down but do not discuss trivial issues that your mother has
brought to you with your wife as that would lead to more problems and resentment. But if
there is a need then surely you can discipline your wife by ordering her to set her matter right.

Men should firstly understand that jealousy – which Allah has created in man – is one of these
main factors, especially between your mother and your wife, because your mother, who has
been with you for many years, looking after you and taking care of you, is going to feel that
you no longer belong only to her; indeed she will feel that her share of you is no longer enough
to fulfil her rights over you, and that the division of your att ention between her and your wife
is not fair. Your wife gets love, compassion and care, and all the mother gets is your showing
patience, with difficulty, for her troubles, and your giving her what she needs with reluctance
and resentment. This applies if the son gives her her rights, so how about if he is disobedient
and denies her her rights? In that case there will be problems.

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Jealousy makes a person blind and deaf, and it soon destroys any happiness and tranquillity
that the family might have. It is at its strongest when we do not handle it properly and do not
try to tame it.

Be patient with your wife but also try harder to please your mother, men of today have become
really laid back and want the issues to be sorted without them having to do anythin g. They
need to work for their family and the Ummah as a whole. Try to show your mother that she
still has an important place in your life, spend some quality time with her and make it a point
to show your mother that this attitude of yours is helped by yo ur wife, she supports you and
encourages you to be good to your mother and spend time with her.

Click here for a detailed discussion on this matter.

Women should not allow their mothers to interfere in the marriage

The mother’s rights over her children are great, and Islam has enjoined the children to fulfil
these rights, and it regards disobedience to parents as a major sin.

The mother whose daughter has got married should realize that it is not permissible for her
daughter to give precedence to obeying her mother over obeying her husband, and she (the
mother) should understand that it is not permissible for her to interfere in her daughter’s life
after marriage, unless she is asked to intervene in order to bring about a reconciliation or to
offer advice and guidance.

The first thing the daughter should do is not to share secrets and problems between the
spouses with her mother as this might lead to her being inquisitive and constantly interfering.
Try and tell the mother not to get involved or talk to the father to let the mother know that
she should not be doing this.

Click here for a detailed discussion.

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SOCIETY

A respectful husband and wife will behave appropriately in public. They will never embarrass
their spouse by using coarse language, being impolite, or sharing intimate details about their
marriage. Inappropriate behaviour could very well lead to loss of respect for themselves. They
will not belittle her or make fun of the other in their presence or absence, nor will they
backbite.

Sharing bedroom secrets with a third person is HARAAM in Islam. Even if he/she is your best
friend and you don’t have any secrets between you.

Asma' Bint Yazid said: {I was present where the Prophet ‫ ﷺ‬was, and men and women were
sitting. The Prophet ‫ ﷺ‬said to them:

"May a man be talking about what he does to his wife, and may a woman be talking about
what she does with her husband?"

The people remained quiet and did not answer. So I said: "Yes, O Messenger of Allah! The
women do that, and the men do that too."

He ‫ ﷺ‬said: "Do not do that, because doing that is like a Shaitan meets a Shaitanah in a street,
then he had intercourse with her while people were watching ."

Treat your mate with respect: Don't give her/him the cold shoulder or talk to him/her like a
child. Belittling their intelligence or behaviour in public, even if you're just joking, will do more
harm than good to your relationship. Put your differences aside and show her love and support
instead. Instead, talk about her great accomplishment at work. Showing each other so me
affection as well may help you see how little the disagreement really means.

Don't fight in public: Even if your spouse is doing everything in his power to aggravate the heck
out of you, remain calm; it may be his immature way of handling his emotions. Not only will
having a fight in public single you two out of a crowd, it will also cause those who are with you,
like such as your kids, other family members or friends, to feel extremely uncomfortable. Wait
until you get home to discuss any problems. Also, when later having your discussion, try to
focus your discussion on key issues rather than the way he was acting.

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Establish rules: If a main issue has yet to be resolved, set some rules that bar the discussion of
the issue while out in public. This rule should also ban talking about the problem with friends
and family as well. Your friends and family naturally view your spouse differently than you do,
and what they consider to be helpful advice may further aggravate the situation or cause you
to see a problem that you didn't realize beforehand, which may lead to a fight with your spouse
later on.

Praise them in public: Have you ever noticed that when someone praises you, you want to
repeat the behaviour that caused it? This is just human nature. It can be a form of manipulation
if it isn’t genuine. But it can be a powerful way to motivate others when it is authentic. Words
are powerful tools. They can create, or they can destroy. They can build up, or they can tear
down. If you start speaking well of someone, you start believing what you say.

Encouragement is also a powerful force for good. All of us need positive reinforcement. This is
why when we are losing weight and people notice, it gives us the strength to stick with the
program. This is true in every area of life.

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