TASSRGrTON Reaching The Wellspring Within "My life has changed in so many ways....sometimes I just want to pinch myself and say, 'Is this real?’ because life is happier every day..." (p. 71) "...the results are spectacular. I've been attractin not upset, not angry. I no longer waste energy. ng people that are focused, -" (p. 58) "The most exciting part was the discovery that I didn't have to go outside myself to get inner peace...” (p. 98) Imagine your limitations becoming a doorway to states often called "Inner Peace," "Joy," "Love," or "Oneness." Core Transformation meets the deepest strivings of our times: to heal our problems and develop spiritually. "Oneness and Being," the goal of most psycho-spiritual approaches, is no longer a mysterious ideal. Core Transfor- mation makes it tangible, even inevitable. This simple ten-step process offers a gentle, compassionate way to melt limitations rather than fight them. Specific changes attributed to the Core Transformation process include career advances, healing relationships, stopping smoking, healing "problem" emotions, improving health, overcoming depression, and developing an underlying sense of well-being. THIS BOOK SHOWS YOU HOW! Endorsed by John Bradshaw, Dan Millman, Jack Canfield, Joseph Chilton-Pearce, Michele Weiner-Davis, Hugh Prather!* , * Written endorsements, by these well-known authors and others, appear on page iti. we Connirae Andreas, Ph. D. Tamara Andreas, M.M. Connirae Andreas, Ph.D., author of ma IN TTIIIT 54 acclaimed books, created the processes in thi: 35 0 > book. Tamara Andreas, M.M., designed the | Core Transformation® training format. Both are internationally respected trainers. (See page 233 for complete bios.) 5 9 0780911226331Core TRANSFORMATION Reaching the Wellspring Within CONNIRAE ANDREAS With TAMARA ANDREAS ~ Real People PressTo our parents, Lois Jean and William Andreas CORE TRANSFORMATION: REACHING THE WELLSPRING WITHIN. © Copyright 1994 by Connirae Andreas, Ph.D. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America, No part of this publi- cation may be used or reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or oth- erwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. For information address Real People Press, Box F, Moab, Utah 84532. CORE TRANSFORMATIONG® is a registered trademark of Connirae Andreas. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Andreas, Connirae. Core transformation : reaching the wellspring within / Connirae Andreas with Tamara Andreas. Pom. Includes bibilographical references and index. ISBN 0-911226-82-X ; $21.50 1, Behavior modification. 2. Behavior modification—Case studies. 3. Change (Psychology) 4. Self-actualization (Psychology) 5. Neurolinguistic programming. 6. Andreas, Connirae. 7. Andreas, Tamara. 1961- . I. Andreas, Tamara, 1961- . II. Title. BF637.B4A54 1994 158’.1—dc20 93-41068 CIP—About the Core Transformation Process— “Core Transformation offers a profound way to touch the depths of our own soulfulness. I had an immediate and deep experience of self-love with it.” ; —John Bradshaw, author, Creating Love “One of the most important works I have come across, in any field. Core Transformation should be adopted as the principal therapy by every thera- pist in the country, understood and practiced by everyone in the helping and legal professions, as well as parents and teachers. I stand in awe at the simplicity, clarity and directness of a work of such magnitude, and will do all I can to promote it.” —Joseph Chilton Pearce, author, The Crack in the Cosmic Ege, The Magical Child, Evolution’s End “Core Transformation is a brilliant book about a brilliant process. It quickly takes you to the core of your being. What a powerful and simple gift! I highly recommend it to anyone wanting to achieve higher states of love, peace and joy!” —Jack Canfield, President, Self Esteem Seminars, author, Chicken Soup for the Soul “The way to a man and woman’s heart is through this book. Core Transformation will help you turn your limitations inside out, enabling you to experience yourself in a way you never dreamed possible.” —Michele Weiner-Davis, author, Divorce Busting “Core Transformation takes us beyond assumed boundaries, into the virgin territories of the self—a place of greater courage and love, into the well- spring of authenticity, the core of being.” —Dan Millman, author, The Way of the Peaceful Warrior and The Life You Were Born to Live “This book will take you there. Compassionately, clearly and interestingly written, with just the right balance of idea and procedure. There is no limit to the good Core Transformation could end up doing.” —Huth Prather, author, Notes to Myself—Acknowledgements— I would like to thank the many people who have assisted us in bringing this book into being. My sister and co-author Tamara Andreas first pro- posed writing this book several years before publication. Her talent, inspi- ration and dedication to producing the book made it possible. Tamara wrote the first draft during a time when I was already overly busy and had given up the idea. I am thankful to have had her personal sensitivity, her conceptual understanding of the Core Transformation Process, and the depth of her experience with client work and teaching the process. Next, thanks goes to Virginia Hopkins who played a major role in everything from editing to publishing. Tamara and I were grateful to work with someone so capeable who immediately understood the heart and soul of the book. We thank Dan Ragland for his exquisite cover design, and Nicholas DeSciose for the cover photograph. A big thanks to my husband, Steve Andreas, whose editing skills and ideas about organization and sequence significantly enhanced the finished product. Thanks to the many readers who gave us detailed input, and to the office staff at NLP Comprehensive in Boulder, Colorado for many kinds of organizational support. Thanks to the many clients and seminar partici- pants; particularly those who offered to share their experiences in this book. We realize how much these experiences enrich the book. Special thanks to those who have been using this process with their clients: John Parmater, Colleen McGovern, Gerry Schmidt, Mark Hochwender, Christina Boyd, Jan Prince, Jessie Milan, and Larry Iverson each contributed experi- ences with their clients to the personal reports we share in this book. I thank also my many teachers over the years, including Richard Bandler, John Grinder, Leslie Lebeau, Robert Dilts, Leslie Lebeau, David Gordon and Judith Delozier. Their work in developing the field of NLP was the foundation upon which I developed the Core Transformation Process. _ I would like to especially acknowledge Leslie Lebeau, whose work has in some ways paralleled my own. I thank my friends and colleagues Mark Hochwender, Laing Reynolds, and Richard Schaub for helping me deepen my understanding of the spir- itual, as I found myself in what was for me uncharted territory. Thanks to you the reader, for making this book worth writing.—CONTENTS— INTRODUCTION Finding the Way to the Wellspring Within SECTION I MAPPING OUT THE TERRITORY Keys to Core Transformation 1 THE JOURNEY BEGINS How Do We Get There from Here? 2 _ BEFRIENDING THE UNCONSCIOUS Why Understanding Rarely Leads to Change 3 FINDING POSITIVE PURPOSES Leaming to Communicate with Our Inner Allies 4 THE FIVE CORE STATES The Nature of the Wellspring Within SECTION II THE CORE STATE EXERCISE The Heart of the Core Transformation Process 5 A DEMONSTRATION WITH CATHY Having It Your Way 6 THE CORE STATE EXERCISE Understanding the Structure 7 A QUESTIONNAIRE Finding An Unwanted Behavior, Feeling or Response to Work With 8 DOING IT! THE CORE STATE EXERCISE Reaching the Wellspring Within 15 19 28 359 GOING SOLO Doing the Core State Exercise With Yourself 10 PUTTING CORE TRANSFORMATION INTO PRACTICE How the Core States Can Change Unwanted Behavior, Feelings and Responses SECTION IIL GROWING UP A PART & BRINGING IT FULLY INTO YOUR BODY Making Core States More Accessible 11 INTRODUCTION: GROWING UP A PART Gaining Resources and Wisdom 12 A DEMONSTRATION WITH LISA The Value of Growing Up Parts 13 GROWING UP A PART Understanding the Structure 14 DOING IT! THE GROWING UP A PART EXERCISE Allowing Inner Children Who Were Left Behind to Become Adults SECTION IV COMPLETING THE PROCESS WITH ALL PARTS Working With Every Aspect of An Issue 15 INTRODUCTION COMPLETING THE PROCESS WITH ALL PARTS Integrating Core States More Deeply 16 A DEMONSTRATION WITH GREG Inner Peace As A Way of Being 17 COMPLETING THE PROCESS WITH ALL PARTS Understanding the Structure 18 HOW TO RECOGNIZE PARTS THAT NEED TO BE INCLUDED Guidelines and Examples vi 56 76 719 85 102SECTION V THE COMPLETE CORE TRANSFORMATION EXERCISE Doing It From A to Z 19 DOING IT! THE COMPLETE CORE TRANSFORMATION EXERCISE Putting All the Steps Together SECTION VI PARENTAL TIMELINE REIMPRINTING Bringing Core States to Your Past, Present and Future 20 INTRODUCTION PARENTAL TIMELINE REIMPRINTING Bringing the Core States to Your Past, Present and Future 21 A DEMONSTRATION WITH DAVE Giving Ourselves A Happy Childhood 22 PARENTAL TIMELINE REIMPRINTING Understanding the Structure 23 DOING IT! THE PARENTAL TIMELINE REIMPRINTING EXERCISE Giving the Gift of Core States to Yourself and Your Inner Family 24 VICTORIA'S STORY The Gifts of Taking the Core States Through Time SECTION VIL ENHANCING YOUR RESULTS Making A Good Thing Even Better 25 INTRODUCTION ENHANCING YOUR RESULTS Making A Good Thing Even Better 26 FINDING MORE PARTS TO TRANSFORM. ‘Tapping Into Greater Inner Blessings 114 124 129 141 145 151 156 15727 HOW PARTS ARE FORMED Splitting Off and Separating Aspects of Ourselves 28 WHOIS IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT? Transforming Basic Personality Patterns That Don’t Serve Us 29 TRANSFORMING ILLNESS Taking Advantage of Challenges 30 GENERALIZING THE CORE TRANSFORMATION PROCESS The Whole Is Greater Than the Sum of Its Parts 31 HOW PEOPLE HAVE USED CORE TRANSFORMATION Learning From the Experience of Others 32 CORE TRANSFORMATION AND SPIRITUALITY Finding the God Within 33 INTEGRATING CORE TRANSFORMATION INTO OUR LIVES Core States Can Go Everywhere With Us 168 174 186 195 228—INTRODUCTION— Finding the Way to the Wellspring Within The wind blows over the lake and stirs the surface of the water. The visible effects of the invisible: manifest themselves. —Inner Truth, The I Ching In this book you will be invited to identify the behaviors, feelings and Tesponses you like least in yourself, and use them to take yourself on a remarkably healing and uplifting personal journey within, to the depths of your beingness. This journey is called the Core Transformation Process. Developing the Core Transformation Process came about naturally, as I was doing what I love to do best, which is exploring how people experience the world, right down to their words, gestures and facial expressions. Over the 20 years that I have been working and learning .in the area of personal growth and change, I have used and developed many techniques and exer- cises that effectively assist people in changing unwanted behaviors, healing emotions and reaching goals. I've shared these techniques in a series of books, some co-authored or edited with my husband, Steve Andreas. The audience for these books was primarily professional—therapists, counselors, educators, and others in helping professions. This book is different. It is accessible to anyone who wants core transformation in their life. The material presented in this book is a breakthrough for me both personally and professionally, and J believe it is a breakthrough in the field of personal growth, therapy, and psychology. As I explored and developed the Core Transformation Process with clients and with myself, I began to have a sense of awe and reverence for what I witnessed. Powerfully trans- forming states of consciousness, which I call Core States, were naturally emerging. These states seemed to be identical to the states of consciousness many people strive for in spiritual traditions, described as transcendent or spiritual experiences. Through doing the Core Transformation Process ixthese states became more than a temporary high—they became the basis for living from a new “center.” The way these experiences emerged was surprising and unexpected. I had no intention of developing a process with spiritual overtones. I basi- cally considered that realm of experience beyond my ability to know about, and therefore I wasn’t very interested. My goal was to develop a process that went deep enough to the core of our experience to be effective with every- thing from the seemingly trivial to our biggest life issues. I wanted some- thing that went deeper than what I had known before—both for myself and for my clients. In this search I gave myself the challenge of working with people who had some major limitation they had been unsuccessfully trying to change. These were people who had struggled for years to change, without results. The issues they dealt with ranged from chronic pain and abuse to bulimia, rage, sexual dysfunction, and codependency. Some weren’t so easily put into categories, like the man who felt he always held himself back from liv- ing his full potential. He already did well by most standards, but had an inner part that felt stupid and lacked the confidence to go forward in the way he wanted. I intuitively followed a direction you'll become intimately familiar with as you read this book. The starting point was the person’s limitation, and then, by going deeper and deeper into the limitation with a process that is both simple and indescribably kind, I noticed a level of experience emerg- ing naturally, on its own, that was beyond what I had ever known before. In seeking to find what would transform these major life issues I stum- bled upon a process that went far beyond my original goals. Most of the people I took through it got the results they wanted in their lives—either complete changes or significant movement in the direction they desired. But beyond that, they wrote me cards and letters telling me things like, “It’s a miracle,” or, “Everything has changed.” One person who didn’t get what he asked for said, “I got something better; something wonderful is hap- pening that’s hard to put into words.” Discovering these incredibly powerful Core States at the center of every inner part in myself and others has certainly transformed my sense of the spiritual nature within each of us. This spiritual nature is not a belief system, it is an experience, and I want to acknowledge that you may prefer to describe your experience in other terms. You do not need to have spiri- tual beliefs to benefit from the Core Transformation Process. When we do this process with individual clients, or in workshops, we often do not talk about what kind of experience to expect. You will get equally strong results whether you describe your experience as spiritual, or in other terms that fit more for you.As I was developing the Core Transformation Process I was lucky enough to have my sister, Tamara Andreas, join me in learning the process and teaching others how to do it. Her experiences both with herself, her clients, and in the Core Transformation seminars she facilitates, have added immensely to our knowledge and experience of the process, and to the con- tent of this book. I came to the field of personal growth work through Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), a brilliant and powerful model for communication, personal growth and achievement of our potential as humans, developed in the early 70s by linguistics professor John Grinder and computer program- mer Richard Bandler. Core Transformation has its roots in several NLP approaches and techniques created by Bandler, Grinder and others over the years. I am deeply grateful for my good fortune in being able to build on the work of so many good teachers, and feel that the field of NLP has greatly facilitated my ability to go deep enough to develop the Core Transformation Process. NLP has been criticized in the past for being overly “mental,” and “manipulative,” which can be true if that is how people choose to use it. The Core Transformation Process takes us past the mind, past any sense of manipulation, into universally sought-after states of consciousness that evoke a sense of oneness and peace. There are many personal stories in this book from those who have used this process, as well as interviews and actual transcripts of myself or Tamara doing the process with a seminar participant or client, which we call “demonstrations.” All the accounts of personal change are presented as told to us. Although names are changed and some factual details are changed or omitted to preserve confidentiality, we were always careful to Preserve the meaning. Many people were so excited about their changes that they gave us much lengthier accounts than we were able to include. The demonstrations were edited to make them easier to understand and use in written form. Complete, unedited demonstrations are available on audiotape and videotape. You may notice as you read the demonstrations that we use unique lan- guage patterns, and have very specific ways of wording things. In these demonstrations we indicate a pause with three periods (...). This indicates that we are allowing time for the person we are working with to process information and integrate changes unconsciously. These pauses usually last a few seconds, but can last as long as a few minutes. We are guided in know- ing when to go on by watching facial expressions and color, breathing pat- terns, gestures, and by being deeply “tuned in” to the client's state. Knowing these verbal and nonverbal subtleties is part of the art of what we do to facilitate others in this process, but is not necessary to get profoundbenefits from the Core Transformation Process. We have had hundreds of people do the process on their own, through our tapes and videos, and teport back that they got the results they wanted. However, to get the best results when you do the exercises yourself, it is important that you use the specific language we give you in the exercises, and follow the directions carefully. When you have done the Core Transformation Process many times, you will find you have intuitively created your own pace and patterns, If you would like to find out more about these language patterns, and how and why we use them, check the resource section in the back of the book. We have a wide variety of other books, audio and video tapes, and we regularly offer seminars, workshops and trainings around the world. As you do these exercises, be gentle and patient with yourself. Most of us have spent years developing our unwanted behaviors, feelings and responses, for very good reasons, and we want to respect that. Welcome the Parts of yourself that you want to change—they are about to become your strongest and most helpful allies. Connirae AndreasTHE JOURNEY BEGINS How Do We Get There From Here? Don’t say such changes cannot happen. A vast freedom could live inside you. A loaf of bread wrapped in a cloth Sor the table is just an object, but inside the human body, it becomes a gladness for being alive! —Rumi If you want to get somewhere, a good map can make the difference between arriving at your destination with ease and getting hopelessly lost. Let's say a friend raves about a restaurant with wonderful food, friendly people and reasonable prices, and you decide to go eat there. You ask your friend where the restaurant is. Your friend says, “Just visualize the restaurant clearly. Post a sign on your refrigerator door that says, ‘I can easily and joyfully find any restaurant I want!’ That’s all you need to do.” This idea may seem silly but what if my destination is “self-acceptance?” What if I want to reach a state of inner wholeness that I have never experi- enced before? Like the restaurant in the above example, I have heard won- derful things about it but haven’t been there and don’t know how to get there. Many of us have been told, “Just do it. Just accept yourself.” This is a litle like being told to “Just go to the restaurant,” without being given any directions. Or what if you ask how to get to the restaurant and your friend says, “Before you can find this restaurant you need to spend several months, or even years, thinking about how bad your own cooking is. You need to explore the reasons why you aren’t happy with your own cooking and why you have this need to go to the restaurant. You also have to really under- 2‘Tu Journey BEGINS stand how you became such a bad cook.” This seems even sillier than the previous example. All you need is directions to the restaurant! In a similar vein, many self-help approaches have asked us to spend years striving to thoroughly understand our problems. A common belief is that if we only understand the problem well enough, it will simply disap- pear. Yet, all too often, we understand a problem and still have it. The goal of Core Transformation is not to understand our problems, it is to go to the place within where our problems will transform. This is a “how-to” book that gives you the “how,” in accessible, easy-to-use steps. Core Transformation is not about affirmations or positive thinking. Many of us have tried to overcome our limitations by sheer will-power—sim- ply trying to feel or act differently, or telling ourselves over and over that we will be different. That is approaching ourselves from the outside in—it’s trying to change on the surface without dealing with the core of the prob- lem. That’s like taking an aspirin when we have a broken bone. We may feel better for awhile, but unless we do something to help the bone heal prop- erly, the good feeling isn’t going to last. In contrast, the Core Transformation Process works from the inside out. It is a series of simple, step-by-step exercises that allow us to change unwanted behaviors, feelings and responses easily and rapidly, and to have an ongoing sense of well-being that occurs naturally when we experience Core Transformation. Discovering the Wellspring Wouldn’t it be nice to have an underlying sense of wholeness and well- being whether or not things are going well in our lives in the moment? Most of us feel good when our lives are going well. Is it possible to feel resource- ful even when things seem to be falling apart? Yes. We know it is possible because we have had the experience, and hundreds of our clients and work- shop participants have reported back to us that they're having more and more of these experiences. This book is about developing and maintaining an inner sense of self, well-being, wholeness, and perhaps even a connection with something beyond ourselves, that sustains us in difficulty as well as in times of ease. This inner sense of fullness and integrity, and a strong, resourceful self is available to each of us, and is our own wellspring within. ‘We all have times when we are sad, or frustrated, or angry, or irritable— that’s part of being human: But in those down times we can still have an underlying sense of well-being about ourselves. We can have an inner know- ing that we have the resources to weather the storms, and an underlying sense of optimism that we will come out on the other side of our difficulties not only intact, but wiser and stronger. All of us have personal limitations we have struggled to overcome. 3Core TRANSFORMATION With some of them it can seem that no matter what we do, they won’t go away. Most of us turn away from those parts of ourselves that we don’t like. ‘We try to shove aside feelings we don’t want to have. We try to “think posi- tively” and push away negative thoughts. These approaches don’t tend to create natural, lasting change. The way to our inner wellspring is through our limitations. The Core Transformation Process can be used to change self-defeating behaviors, feelings or responses that have been major life problems. Many of the stories in this book tell of people changing problems they had strug- gled with for years. The process helps us to automatically use our limita- tions as the way to unveiling or releasing a deep sense of self. We resolve our limitations at the same time we experience a new sense of self that is pow- erfully expanding and transforming. The additional good news is that the process itself is, for nearly everyone, a profoundly pleasant experience. Although this process allows many people to quickly achieve lasting change, those who benefit most use it in an ongoing way that deepens as they con- tinue to use the techniques. The kinds of changes you will be making as you read this book and do the exercises will be a gentle unfolding from within. You won’t be giving yourself another set of “shoulds” for how the “enlightened” person behaves. You won’t be learning to think about yourself positively, you will be living more and more from that core nature that is truly you. You will be uncov- ering the wisdom and truth that is already there. As you do the process sev- eral times you will gain a trust that when you go to your core, you will dis- cover a nature that is beyond what we usually think of as positive. The renowned T’ai Chi teacher Al Huang talks of uncovering this nature as the goal of T’ai Chi: There are many basic concepts in tao that emerge in t’ai chi when you practice. One is the word “pu,” which means the original material, before it’s trimmed and modified, fixed and polished. Sometimes we translate this as “uncarved block.” It’s the raw material before it is carved into an artistic form, the essence that exists before you change it. Learn the grain of the wood before you begin to carve it. Pu is the basic substance of the real you, before it's manicured or painted over. Expose your own basic essence before you clutter it up. Don’t let all the external things blind you so that you lose the uncarved block within. Every time we begin, we must find that uncarved original wood, that basic sense of what the human body is, that sense of being all together. ‘We usually keep telling ourselves what we are, instead of just let- ting the pu emerge.THE JOURNEY BEGINS What Is The Core Self? In this book we offer methods for achieving a fuller sense of what we call the Core Self, a universally-known concept that goes by many names: our inner essence, our full potential, self-actualization, our True Self, our Higher Self, the God within, and the Soul, to name a few. Iam functioning from my Core Self when: V_ Lexperience wholeness, inner-peace, well-being, love, and aliveness. V Iam fully grounded and centered within my body. 1 1am fully aware of my body and my emotions. V I perceive the world clearly. V I know what I want. V Iam behaving in alignment with my values. ¥ Iam easily acting in my own best interest, while also respecting others. V Thavea positive sense of myself. V_ 1am aware of who I am, not just what I do, how I feel, or what I have. V Iam resourceful. I have a sense of choice about how I feel and what I do. These descriptions of the Core Self fit for most people, and because each of us is unique, we may each have a different way of describing our experience. If you read these descriptions and say, “That all sounds good, but I’m not sure I know exactly what is meant by those words,” that’s OK. Using the processes in this book can lead you to an experience of Core Transformation that puts you touch with your Core Self. A Map Of This Book This book is a carefully guided journey to your own wellspring within. In Section I we lay the groundwork for you to gain the most from your inner journey. We make sure you are prepared with a few basic under- standings and experiences that will allow your journey to be enjoyable and fulfilling. These basics will make it easier for you to follow the map we pro- vide later in the book for reaching your destination within. In Section II you will experience the Core State Exercise, the heart of the Core Transformation Process. This process will assist you in discovering 5CoRE TRANSFORMATION RESULTS OF THE CORE TRANSFORMATION PROCESS Most people significantly move toward one or more of the following results each time they do the Core Transformation Process. As you read through this list, iden- tiff those results that you most want in your life. Because this process releases your Core Self, it tends to impact all areas of your life positively. When your own core inner wisdom is uncovered, you spontaneously discover you have new choices in ‘many areas. Emotions 1 The ability to have access to a full range of emotions. 1 An experience of greater emotional fluidity, rather than being frequently stuck in an emotion. Resolution of specific emotions that are overwhelming or limiting. 1 The sense that your emotions are appropriate to present circumstances, rather than being an expression of unresolved issues from the past. Having emotions that serve you and support what you do. Enjoying a fundamental sense of well-being and peace. Habits and Other Behaviors V Having a choice about behaviors that were addictive or habitual. \ Having a greater ease in changing behaviors. Having behaviors that are in alignment with your values. Relationships Being affirming of yourself and others without needing to compete. 1 Being able to freely express your own needs and wants and pur- sue them, and take into account the needs and wants of others. V Being comfortable around people. 1 Being able to take care of your relationships without feeling as if you depend on a relationship for your sense of well-being. Vv Being able to accept others as they are. 1 Being able to trust people appropriately, while being aware of their limitations. Being able to take responsibility for making choices in the areas you have choice about, while being at peace with areas that are out of your control.Tue JOURNEY BEGINS V Being OK whether attention is on you or on others. + Being able to seek the truth, rather than having to be “right.” v Being able to forgive yourself and others for mistakes and lim- itations, while learning from them. v Being OK regardless of whether others think well of you. Y Being more honest with yourself and others. V Experiencing more kindness and compassion toward others. Self-Image and Self Development Experiencing more kindness and compassion toward yourself. V Becoming more and more the person you want to be. ¥ Selfappreciation. V Enough security to be open to feedback. 1 Sense of equality with others. V High selfesteem. V_ Sense of identity. ° Personal integrity. More wholeness and balance. Other Categories People have resolved or made significant progress with the following difficulties using the Core Transformation Process. V Healing of Abuse and/or Trauma. \ Anorexia and Bulimia. V Alcoholism. V Drug Addiction. V Codependence. V Depression. 1 Fears and Anxieties. \ Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome. V_ Hyperactivity and Learning Disabilities. V Multiple Personality Disorder. V Schizophrenia. V Health Concerns. Resolution of specific issues and conflicts.CoRE TRANSFORMATION your own inner gifts, which will emerge out of what you thought were your worst flaws. Sections II, III, IV and V teach you how to do the Core Transformation Process from beginning to end. We’ve made it easy for you by offering it in meaningful “portions” that are easy to digest. Each of the sections that have an exercise for you to do follow the same sequence, designed to make your learning comfortable and natural. The chapters in these sections are in this sequence: ¢ A transcript of Connirae or Tamara demonstrating the process. © An “Understanding the Structure” chapter where you will learn the purpose of each new phase of the demonstration you just read. © A “Doing It!” chapter or section with a “script” of easy step-by-step instructions for doing the process yourself. Each section also includes at least one brief personal story of how someone else used this process, and the impact it had on their life. We include these to inspire you and to expand your intuitive sense of how to use the process in ways that assist you. Section VI, Parental Timeline Reimprinting, is particularly important because it can help us forgive and love parents and others in our past, and move on to a brighter future. This part of the process deepens and enriches our experience of our Core Self, infusing the benefits of the Core Transformation Process into our family background. Once we do this, the events we experienced growing up—no matter how mundane or bizarre, tragic or serene—now support our experience of Core Transformation. People often have a sense of resolving their past after doing Parental ‘Timeline Reimprinting. Section VII helps us enhance the process and carry it further into our day-to-day lives. We include chapters on working with health concerns, dis covering and working with basic limiting personality patterns, a variety of interviews with people who have sucessfully used the process, and how this process taps into spiritual experience. While it may be tempting to turn right to the Core Transformation exercises, we encourage you to read the personal stories and exercises that come before it, and give yourself the benefit of creating a good inner map for your process of inner change.BEFRIENDING THE UNCONSCIOUS Why Understanding Rarely Leads to Change The great decisions of human life have as a rule far more to do with the instincts and other mysterious unconscious factors than with conscious will and well-meaning reasonableness, —C.G. Jung The unconscious speaks to us through dreams. Fairy tales stimulate us on unconscious levels. We make “Freudian slips,” which come from our unconscious. What is our unconscious? For our purposes in this book, the unconscious is simply everything that is typically out of our awareness. Making Unconscious Decisions How often have you heard people describe their problems with great clarity and intellectual understanding, and yet you notice that they still have the problems? Have you ever made a conscious decision that you were going to change a behavior, feeling or response, only to find yourself doing it again? That's because in most cases our conscious mind alone is practically helpless to permanently change behaviors, feelings and responses that are automatic and unconscious. If we had decided to do those unwanted behav- iors, feelings and responses consciously, it might be easy to change them consciously, by just re-deciding. Instead, those decisions usually happen on a more automatic level. It is as if there is an unconscious part of us that is in charge of doing those things. Because the conscious, thinking part of our mind does not run the behavior, feeling or response we don’t want, the first step in changing that behavior is learning to access the part of ourselves that does run it. Then we learn how these parts can become inner friends.Core TRANSFORMATION ‘What the Unconscious Does Your conscious mind is good at focusing attention on a few things at once. Research indicates that we can be consciously aware of between five and nine pieces of information at one time. More. than this overloads our conscious mind. However, there is a vast amount of information that is continually streaming in through your five senses that you are not consciously aware of. For example, before you read the rest of this sentence, you were probably unaware of the weight of your body on the chair or whatever you are rest- ing on. You were probably unaware of your breathing. You may have been unaware of objects you can see in the periphery of your vision. You may have been unaware of certain sounds around you. Your unconscious con- tinues to notice and process this vast stream of information for you, while you are consciously attending to whatever you need to focus on. Your unconscious keeps track of memories and plans when you aren’t thinking about them consciously. For example, when you want to, you can easily think back to something that you did or someone you were with yes- terday. You can think ahead to something you are planning to do tomorrow or next week. When you aren’t thinking about those things, your uncon- scious stores them. Your unconscious is also in charge of bodily processes that you consid- er automatic. If you want, you can consciously think about your breathing, and control how fast you breathe. If you forget about it for a minute, or for a year, you will continue to breathe unconsciously. Other processes, like digestion, heartbeat and even when your cells divide, are directed by unconscious processes—people do not have direct conscious control over those functions. Your unconscious also processes information and makes decisions out- side of your awareness. When we are asleep we normally spend some of the time dreaming. We don’t consciously decide what we are going to dream about or exactly how the dream will unfold. Those decisions occur at an unconscious level. Your unconscious is also in charge of a wide variety of behaviors, feel- ings and responses that were once learned consciously, but have become so well learned that they are now automatic and unconscious. When a child begins to learn to speak, thinking of which word to use requires full atten- tion. The child takes great delight in saying the word that gets mom or dad to give them the thing they want. Once we have learned a language well we only need to think of what we want to say, and the right words almost always come out. We don’t consciously choose exactly what words to use, or in what order to say them. That has all been learned so well that it happens automatically for us. 10_BEFRIENDING THE UNCONSCIOUS Another example is driving. Have you ever been lost in thought while driving and suddenly found yourself at your destination? At one time you focused a lot of conscious attention on learning to drive. Then you con- sciously focused attention on getting to that particular destination. Yet when I take my children to school I no longer think about where to turn, and reliably, in ten minutes, I am in the school parking lot. This is an exam- ple of how we learn things by first focusing our conscious attention on them. Once learned we can do these behaviors without thinking. They hap- pen unconsciously. Most behaviors that are run unconsciously are desirable and appropri- ate. Our unconscious takes care of many things for us that would be over- whelming to do consciously. Can you imagine how complicated it would be to walk if we had to consciously decide exactly which muscles to use, and to coordinate when each of them tightened and when they relaxed? However, some unconscious behaviors are self-defeating or unuseful. Have you ever gotten off an elevator automatically only to discover that you were on the wrong floor? Have you ever just “found yourself” in the refrig- erator when you had decided to eat less? Have you ever caught yourself bit- ing your nails or cracking your knuckles, or doing some other behavior you. consciously didn’t want to do? These and many other behaviors, feelings and responses we don’t like are the ones we will be learning how to change. It is important to realize that even self-defeating behaviors that we don’t like now were useful in some way when we first learned them. At an earlier time they were the best choice that some part of us had to try to achieve some useful purpose. For example, when Sam was very young he frequently heard his parents scream- ing at each other in anger. This scared him, and he unconsciously con- cluded at that time that emotions are dangerous, and decided to shut off his own emotions. That decision was now out of his awareness, or uncon- scious. Because it was stored unconsciously, Sam continued to experience the results of the decision: he had very limited access to his own emotions. Consciously deciding that he wanted to experience more emotions was not enough—he needed to use processes that helped him change that uncon- scious decision. Becoming More Aware of Unconscious Parts Often, people talk as if a “part” of them is running a behavior: “A part of me makes me eat chocolate.” “A part of me gets angry at my boss.” “I knew I'd be tired the next day, but part of me wanted to stay out late.” ‘I really intended to stay on that diet, but a part of me just couldn’t resist the dessert.” llCoRE TRANSFORMATION When people make these kinds of statements they are telling us they really didn’t have conscious control over their behavior. It is as if some ‘unconscious part of them has decided that the best thing to do is eat choco- late and goes ahead and eats no matter what they may consciously think they want. We find this a useful way to describe behaviors we would rather not do, emotions we would rather not feel, and negative thoughts we would rather not be thinking. When we think negative thoughts or experience emotions such as anger, envy, frustration, or guilt, we often feel as if we have no choice—it is as if some part of us made us have them. When we have “mixed feelings,” part of us feels one way and part of us feels another. On one hand we want to complete a project at home, but on the other hand we would rather go to a movie. We feel like shouting at the children, but we want to be loving and patient. Part of us feels intimidated when the rest of us wants to be resourceful and confident. When we say “a part of us” feels intimidated, this is a way of saying that some of our think- ing and behavior is organized around feeling intimidated, while the rest of us is devoted to something else. The rest of us is probably trying hard to be calm and resourceful instead. Although each behavior, feeling or response outside of our conscious control is generated by an unconscious part of us, it is not that we literally have separate parts running around inside. However, it’s very useful to think about ourselves in terms of parts. As we go along you will learn how this idea of parts helps us come to new choices, wholeness, and resolution through the Core Transformation Process. If you prefer to use another word than “part,” that’s fine. Some people prefer to think about this as an “aspect” of themselves. Recognizing and working with these parts makes it possible for us to come to wholeness. If we just try to shove aside these experiences, and “think positively” or overcome an unwanted behavior with will power, we are fighting ourselves. And when we fight ourselves, some part of us always loses. The exercises in this book create a natural fluidity between the con- scious and the unconscious. By doing them you will develop your own abil- ity to notice when an inner part is stopping you from moving forward in your life in the way that you want to. You will be learning to work with the unconscious parts that have held you back, in a way that transforms your inner parts into inner allies in the deepest sense. Positive Purposes An important assumption we make in the Core Transformation Process is that every one of our behaviors, feelings or responses has a posi- tive purpose. Even those things we like least about ourselves have some pos- itive purpose. 12BEFRIENDING THE UNCONSCIOUS ‘Tim was having difficulty in his marriage. While he was a very success- ful businessman, his marriage was falling apart. His wife was about to leave him because he constantly criticized her. It turned out that Tim was con- stantly criticizing himself at least as harshly as his wife. We discovered that Tim had an inner voice that offered ongoing critical comments about any- thing or anyone within reach! It turned out that Tim’s inner voice really wanted his life to improve. It wanted him to be happier and more fulfilled. Criticizing was the best way this part knew to try to make that happen for him. Tim was pleased to learn that this critical and judgmental part of him- self actually wanted something positive for him. His whole attitude toward this part changed when he realized that this part wasn’t something to try to get rid of, but something to work with as an ally. Wanda was a young woman who wanted to stop smoking. She discov- ered that the part that made her smoke really wanted her to have a way to be a part of the group and have friends. She had started smoking as a teenager when “everyone else” was doing it and it was “cool.” While she didn’t want to smoke any longer, she did want to have ways to have friends and be part of a group. Fortunately, the part of Wanda that “made” her smoke didn’t really care about the smoking. What this part really cared about was having a way to have friends. Ben was uncomfortable with his flare-ups of anger. In groups, whenever someone didn’t agree with his ideas, he became enraged and had to struggle not to shout them down. Ben discovered that the part of him that got angry really wanted to protect his sense of self. Getting angry was the only way this part knew to do it. Finding a fully satisfying solution meant assisting this part in preserving his sense of self in another, more fulfilling way. Jonathan was troubled by bad feelings over having been fired from his job three years earlier. He had worked at the same job for 25 years and being fired caused considerable need for a readjustment in his life. The part of Jonathan that continued feeling bad had an important positive pur- pose for him. One reason he had lost his job was that he had lied about something. This part wanted Jonathan to remember how important it is to tell the truth, Feeling bad was the only way this part knew to keep remind- ing Jonathan. A resolution that honored his whole being meant doing more than just dismissing his bad feelings and moving on. He needed another way of knowing how important it is to tell the truth. Sometimes There Are Many Parts Sometimes people talk as if they have a number of parts involved in a decision. People have many different goals, or purposes. For example, I (Tamara) have goals of learning, having meaningful relationships, having a career, being comfortable, and doing interesting things. It’s as if there is a 13Core TRANSFORMATION part of me that cares about each of those goals. If I take care of my goal of having a career, but ignore my goal of having meaningful relationships, eventually the part of me that cares about having meaningful relationships will become dissatisfied. It’s as though I am neglecting a part of myself. If I neglect that part of me long enough I might end up feeling depressed, or even doing things that sabotage my career. If I take care of my goal of being comfortable, but ignore my goal of doing interesting things, eventually the part of me that cares about doing interesting things will become dissatisfied. If | organize my life in such a way that some, but not all, of my goals are taken care of, the parts of me that are not satisfied will interfere. Allies instead of Enemies Finding the positive purpose of each part is the opposite of what most of us usually do. We usually fight our unwanted habits and tendencies. Many approaches to self-help have encouraged us to do this even more—to use self control, or will-power to overcome our personal weaknesses. At a meet- ing I attended recently the speaker said he believes we all have an “enemy within,” and that we need to overcome this “enemy.” From my experience, I know that whenever I use that approach it doesn’t work. That’s because I am struggling against myself. If I am fighting myself, who loses? I do! Even if I do manage to defeat this so-called “enemy within,” then I will be left with a “loser within!” All parts of us win when we do the Core Transformation Process. We discover the deepest positive purposes our parts have for us, and transform parts that trouble us into inner allies. 14— CHAPTER 3— FINDING POSITIVE PURPOSES Learning to Communicate with Our Inner Allies Your living pieces will form a harmony. —Rumi The benefits of doing the Core Transformation Process extend farther than just changing an unwanted behavior, feeling or response. We also have the opportunity to come to a greater wholeness within, where our thoughts, feelings and actions are in harmony and naturally support each other. Most of us judge the unconscious parts of ourselves that are directing our unwanted behaviors, feelings and responses as “problems.” When we are judgmental with ourselves we create a poor relationship with the parts that run the behaviors we don’t like, creating an inner disharmony. For instance, when a part of me makes me stay awake at night, I tend to get angry at that part of myself. I may struggle against this part of myself. The first step toward communicating with parts is learning to appreci- ate them for the positive outcomes they want for us. When I realize that the part of myself that keeps me awake wants something positive for me, I am more appreciative and peaceful with myself. This is the first step in befriending that part of myself. This part may want me to resolve something that remains unfinished in my day. It may have a concern for one of my chil- dren and want me to find a way to help. The following exercise will give you the opportunity to discover the positive intention within one of your behaviors, feelings or responses. 15CoRE TRANSFORMATION Positive Purpose Exploration L 3. 16 Choose A Part to Work With: Think of a behavior, feeling or response that you have and don’t like. You can pick an emotion you think is too extreme, or somehow “off-balance.” If you have an inner voice that criticizes you, you can pick that. For this exercise, pick an issue that is mild to moderate in intensity for you. You will have the oppor- tunity to work with issues of greater intensity after you have learned the complete Core Transformation Process. One way to pick an issue is to fill in the blank of one of the following sentences—whichever one is most appropriate for your difficulty. Write down your sentence. a. “A part of me makes me (do) , and I'd like to stop.” b. “A part of me makes me (feel) , and Id like to stop.” c. “A part of me (thinks) and I'd like to stop.” Where, When, Who: Write down where, when, and with whom this part of you generally comes up. For example: “A part of me makes me feel self-conscious. This happens when I am talking to a large group.” Specific Incident: Think of a specific time when this occurred. For example: “This happened last Wednesday, when I spoke to the club.” Make an internal movie of yourself doing or feeling the unwanted behavior, feeling or response. Some people would rather draw a simple picture of the specific incident. (The following steps may be easier if you have someone read the instructions aloud. You may need to give them feedback about how fast or slow to read, and how long to pause to allow you to respond inwardly. It is generally easier to turn your attention within when the person reading the instructions talks with a soft, ‘slow voice. If you are going to do the exercise by yourself, we recommend you read it through first and then go back and do it, moving back and forth between read- ing the instructions and processing. Another option is to read the instructions into a tape recorder and play them back for yourself. ) Relax and Turn Within: Take a moment to close your eyes, relax and turn within. Relive the Incident: Mentally step into the specific incident in which this behavior, feeling or response occurred. See through your own eyes, hear through your own ears, and feel your feelings.