A

Study
of
Suffering, Death, Grief and Loss
In
Judaism, Christianity and Islam



By Debbie Armenta

Independent Study
DMin Student






















Catholic Theological Union
July 12, 2012

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INTRODUCTION

In the comprehensive volume Living with Grief, Who We Are and How we

Grieve, published by the Hospice Foundation of America, a 1981 study “found that

experiences, attitude, practice and beliefs about dying, death and bereavement

varied among ethnic groups …”1 and that “moreover, the ways individuals find

meaning in loss, the support they look for and receive within and outside the family,

as well as the beliefs that guide decisions about death, all vary among different

ethnicities…”2 In my pastoral work over the last four years, I have journeyed with

many individuals within the Catholic Christian and Christian context through grief

and loss. However, I became acutely aware of how different cultures may

experience grief and loss, in my recent travels to Israel. I struck me that in the

Middle East, cultures experience the fragility of life in ways that sharply contrast my

rather sheltered westernized worldview. On a recent two-week retreat to Israel

with the Catholic Theological Union in May of 2012, I was able to gain a brief

(though incomplete!) picture of cultures and faiths vastly different than my own

context. As a result, I began to contemplate on the reality of death, grief, loss and

bereavement for these cultures, in both how it was expressed and how it was

experienced.

For the diverse population in the Middle East, people live with unrelenting

political tensions in close geographic proximity amid the backdrop of thousands of

1 Kenneth J. Doka and Joyce D. Davidson, eds., Living with Grief: Who We Are, How We

Grieve, 1st ed. (Routledge, 1998), 57.

2 Doka and Davidson, Living with Grief, 57.

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years of historical political volatility. Life continues to be lived even amidst a

rapidly changing landscape; people grapple with the everyday normalcy of life, as

people must, in the midst of tensions that most of the Western world cannot fathom.

It is humbling. The fragility of life, death, grief and loss, to an “outsider” such as

myself, appears to be that much more concrete, immediate and even raw. For

example, during the short time span of my travels there, mass murders occurred in

Syria, military jets flew over the coast of Tel Aviv at regular intervals as well as over

the desert of Mt. Masada by the Dead Sea. Lebanon was addressing military buildup

and Egypt was erupting in pre-election chaos as political parties fought to gain

control of leadership and of the country. Even at the time of this writing, news

headlines confirm that just last week; over 800 were mass murdered amidst the

Syrian conflict.

While at no time did I feel any sense of threat, I was humbled by the reality

that all of this conflict was occurring within miles of our surroundings – on all

borders of this small beautiful country of Israel. And Israel is not immune to

underlying tensions and threats that are ongoing. Within its own borders many

suffer over the ongoing conflict in the Gaza Strip between Israeli statehood and

Palestinian ideologies. Religious tensions among various cultures and sects persist.

The young Israeli army recruits are visible everywhere in Israel, which emphasizes

to me the fragility of the political landscape.

As a a wife of 26 years, mother of four children, a doctoral student, and a

pastoral care worker, I am deeply rooted in my Catholic Christian context within my

highly Westernized American upbringing. However, through my many years in

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ministerial work, through diversity in my own family (my husband is Hispanic and I

am Irish Italian), I am aware of the limits of my lens and my worldview. In my years

of working in varied ministries, and with a fair amount of international travel in my

experience, my knowledge of my incomplete worldview has ignited a deep desire to

learn more of other cultures. I believe, that in my life and my life’s work, as well as in

my faith journey, the Divine Mystery is Creator of all and that each and every

human, as theologian Martin Laird, OSB, writes, is a ray of the very same Divine

light.3

My work in grief and loss as a pastoral care worker in the parish reveals the

ever-presence of the Divine, which in my context I identify as God. I experience God

revealing God’s Self in a profound way through woundedness, vulnerability and

humanities deepest losses. Through these sufferings of loss, people exhibit

incredible courage, coping skills, (or sometimes lack of coping skills,) an ability to

not only survive but to even triumph as they reconstruct their lives following deep

loss. Muslim Journalist Shurkria Raad reminds us “no matter how different we look,

what kind of religion we practice, or which direction our faith takes us, we all have

two things in common in this world: life and death. We are all born the same way

and will die one day.”4 And in these moments of deep loss God is present in all.

Laird reminds us: “Upholding all struggle, failure, brokenness is the Living God who

embraces humanity where it stands most in need.”5

3 Martin Laird, Into the Silent Land: A Guide to the Christian Practice of Contemplation

(Oxford University Press, USA, 2006), 139.

4 Doka and Davidson, Living with Grief, 47.
5 Laird, Into the Silent Land, 130.

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 This paper is an attempt at in-depth examination of grief and loss as it is

experienced within the three monotheistic Abrahamic faiths: Judaism, Christianity

and Islam. In reflecting on my pastoral work and incorporating my findings with my

research and my travels through Israel, I hope to gain a deeper understanding of

grief and loss, how they intersect and where they diverge in these three large

communities of faith that merge in Israel.

I write with prayerful, mindful acknowledgement of the limits of my

experience within both the Judaic and Moslem culture. I acknowledge that I am very

much “other” to these cultures, as they are “other” to me. However, in defining my

limitations, I also define my goals. It is my hope and prayer to provide solid research

with the intent to educate myself as well as the larger community of Catholic lay

workers. I seek to become more ministerially proficient and to inform communities

on the critical necessity for cultural awareness, humility, cultural empathy and

sensitivity as a starting point in ministerial work.

“To understand the consciousness, the notions of selfhood in the Western

cultures must be put aside momentarily. Against an emphasis on individual identity

and the self, imagine a mentality in which group identity is all – encompassing.”6 In

any culture, one risks living with myopic focus, however appreciation of ones

limited view is especially necessary for greater understanding and effectiveness

within lay ministry. This awareness is particularly crucial in work with persons

suffering through grief and loss, as our tenuous church structure and world

6 Lynne Ann DeSpelder and Albert Lee Strickland, The Last Dance: Encountering

Death and Dying, 7th ed. (McGraw-Hill Humanities/Social Sciences/Languages,

2004), 502.

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becomes both increasingly globalized and fragmented. Human woundedness and

vulnerability is the field in which we work as ministers in our church. Experiences

and life contexts are as unique as each person with whom we are gifted to journey;

ministerial sensitivity and empathy is essential.

To frame my research, I begin by stating the obvious: this is a huge topic to

which many published volumes have already been devoted. However, to address

this topic as concisely as possible, my format will be as follows. I will examine each

of the three monotheistic faith communities individually beginning with an

overview of the grief and loss experience of the particular culture. I will then give a

synopsis of the theology and ritual pertaining to that specific community and will

conclude each individual section with reflections on this cultural experience of grief

within the context of Israel. I weave these reflections back to Israel, as this land is a

particularly diverse land where the history of loss and grief is concretely visible in

the daily life there. The concluding analysis will be an attempt to interlace each of

the traditions with reflections on possible starting points to support those grieving

in their unique contexts and life experiences within ministerial work.

GRIEF AND LOSS: A REFLECTION ON THE JEWISH EXPERIENCE

Overview

Swiss born psychiatrist and author Elizabeth Kübler-Ross penned the

introduction to the book titled: Jewish Reflections on Death. She tells us that as a

child growing up in Switzerland in the Protestant Christian tradition, she recognizes

her naiveté and insular background shielded her to the realities of World War II. “I

grew up in Switzerland – an island of peace surrounded by the holocaust of World

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War II and the rumor, later the knowledge, that concentration camps did indeed

exist.”7

It was, in-fact, her post-war work through devastated Europe and ultimately

her experience in Maidanek, one of the concentration camps, that galvanized her

passion into groundbreaking work in the area of death and dying.8 “It was Maidanek

– with its gas chambers and by then empty barracks, the scribbles on the walls by

children who died there, and the ever present smell that refused to disappear –

which ultimately led me to study death and dying.”9 Kübler-Ross then poignantly

writes:

I have always wondered why the Jews…have not written more on death and
dying. …It is Jewish people who have suffered more than any others over the
centuries, who have been faced with more threats and attempts at their
annihilation – not simply as individuals but for them all as ‘Children of
Israel.’10

A philosophy / theology on death, grief and loss from the Jewish Perspective

In the book The Last Dance: Encountering Death and Dying, it states that the

unfolding self-identity of the Jewish people is chronicled through the progression of

the Hebrew stories. These stories help to identify that “death is not ignored …but

reflects a progression of ideas over a long period of time.”11 Further on we read that

the importance of community for the Jewish people is an integral part of their

collective memory and experience. “The characteristic theme emphasizes faith –

faith in the people of Israel as a community with a common destiny and faith in

7 Jack Riemer, Jewish Reflections on Death (Schocken, 1987), 1.
8 Riemer, Jewish Reflections on Death, 1.
9 Riemer, Jewish Reflections on Death, 1.
10 Riemer, Jewish Reflections on Death, 2.
11 DeSpelder and Strickland, The Last Dance, 502.

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Yahweh, whose promises will be realized. ...As the patriarch Abraham lay dying, his

last thoughts involved hope for the survival of his progeny.”12

As the history of the Jewish people continues to unfold, it is important to note

that there is shift in the Hebrew writings. This change takes place in the

understanding from what seems to be a “bleak resignation of death”13 found in Job

and the early Wisdom books, to a more hopeful stance woven through the prophetic

books of Daniel and Ezekiel.14 In reflecting on this, we see an evolution of theology

and even spirituality from an early belief that death is a painful end, to the more

contemporary focus as Jews honor life. The text Living with Grief states that

ultimately in Judaism, the emphasis is upon life and accountability for one’s life on

earth is a key belief. “Better is one hour of repentance and good deeds in the world

than the whole life of the world to come.”(Ethics of the Fathers, 4:17)15

However, as in all of contemporary society, varying theologies do exist in the

Jewish faith concerning life and death. Rabbi Earl Grollman, in Living with Grief16,

clarifies the complex dynamics within the study of thanatology and grief in the

Jewish context. He states that while “more traditional Jews maintain the theological

components of God, Torah and the primacy of synagogue affiliation, secular Jews

usually emphasize prophetic Judaism with a stress on social action, the state of

Israel and Holocaust moralization.”17 Another scholar, George E. Moore declared:

12 DeSpelder and Strickland, The Last Dance, 502.
13 DeSpelder and Strickland, The Last Dance, 503.
14 DeSpelder and Strickland, The Last Dance, 503.
15 Doka and Davidson, Living with Grief, 35.
16 Doka and Davidson, Living with Grief.
17 Doka and Davidson, Living with Grief, 28.

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“any attempt to systemize the Jewish notions of the hereafter imposes upon them an

order and consistency which does not exist in them.”18

There is no “one size fits all” understanding or belief system in the Jewish

faith, on the journey of death, dying, grief and loss. This is an important point for

those working in ecumenical settings in bereavement. Grollman emphasizes the

critical need for understanding of diversity of thought and spiritualties and the

importance of compassion and openness when walking with the bereaved in the

Jewish community.19

Ultimately, one looks for meaning in all. Rabbi and Theologian Abraham

Heschel reminds us that “if death is devoid of meaning then life is absurd….”20 He

reflects on the importance of finding meaning in death through our meaning and

understanding of life. “The view of death is affected by our understanding of

life….For both life and death are aspects of a greater mystery, the mystery of being,

the mystery of creation.”21 Because, without meaning in life, there is no meaning in

death.22

Practical Application within the Jewish bereaved experience

Ritual is fundamental to humanity and an integral component of life. “Ritual

is sacred and can help restore a sense of balance to life…few understand this…and

yet fewer understand the power of ritual to strengthen the bonds that connect us.”23

A focus on ritual at this point is important because in identifying some of the

18 Doka and Davidson, Living with Grief, 54.
19 Doka and Davidson, Living with Grief, 28.
20 Riemer, Jewish Reflections on Death, 58.
21 Riemer, Jewish Reflections on Death, 59.
22 Riemer, Jewish Reflections on Death, 21.
23 Doka and Davidson, Living with Grief, 261.

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practices of the Jewish community, one can appropriate a level of understanding

with rituals associated with burying the dead, and with grief and loss.

Two excellent volumes How to be a Perfect Stranger and The Perfect

Strangers Guide to Funeral and Grieving Practices, provides the reader with a

valuable concise information regarding funeral services, ritual and offering comfort

for the bereaved in the Jewish tradition. Following are excerpts of guidelines on

Jewish customs and practices. However, it is important to note, these volumes state

that the much of these customs refer to practices that take place predominantly

within the North American Culture.

• Funerals and Mourning24

o A Jewish funeral will last between 15 and 60 minutes and is a

time of intense mourning.
o The funeral usually takes place the day after death, unless
extraordinary circumstances alter this. (Reform families
typically hold the funeral 2-3 days following the death.)
o The Reform Movement rejects notions of bodily resurrection
and of life after death – but lives in the immortality of the soul.
o The Reconstructionist movement does not believe in bodily
resurrection but believes the soul rejoins the universe.
o The Conservatives talk of resurrection but do not specify
physical or spiritual.
o Orthodox Jews believe in body resurrection and physical life
after death.
o Dress at the service is modest.
o Gifts are not appropriate for Orthodox, Conservative or
Reconstructionist but can be acceptable for Reform Funerals.
o The ceremony takes place in a Synagogue or funeral home.
o The internment is private to family and close friends and
services vary according to family background. The mourners
prayer, Kaddish, is prayed for the deceased.

24 Stuart M. Matlins and Arthur J. Magida, eds., How to Be a Perfect Stranger: The

Essential Religious Etiquette Handbook, 3rd Edition, 3rd ed. (Skylight Paths Pub,
2002), 150.

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 • Comforting the Bereaved25
o Visitation is encouraged by friends and loved ones for the
bereaved.
o Telephone and visits to the bereaved are appreciated in most
cases: food prepared should be kosher.
o The mourning time period is 11 months after the death of a
parent or child and 30 days for all others.
o Services can be held twice a day for 10 days (a more traditional
practice) and Kaddish, the prayers for the deceased are recited.

Concluding thoughts on death and the Jewish experience

At this point, it is important to reflect on two unique aspects of the Jewish

grief experience. First, biblical scholar Leslie Hoppe, OFM, reminds us “the

centrality of Jerusalem to Judaism is so strong that even secular Jews express their

devotion and attachment to the city and cannot conceive of the modern State of

Israel without it.”26 It is important therefore, to reflect on an experience of death in

Jerusalem and the implications for understanding another aspect of spirituality for

the bereaved in the Jewish community.

Prolific writer and academic Scholar of Jewish studies, Jacob Neusner,

authors a deeply moving and personal reflection on his experience of death and loss

in Jerusalem. Neusner describes the death of his best friend / father-in-law, Max

Ricter. This beautiful experience took place in Jerusalem and he describes the

sacred gift of this experience and of the Herva Kaddisha27, translated as “the Holy

Society” which prepares the body for internment. “Those beautiful Jews showed me

25 Matlins and Magida, How to Be a Perfect Stranger, 152.
26 Leslie J. Hoppe, The Holy City: Jerusalem in the Theology of the Old Testament

(Michael Glazier Books, 2000), 6.

27 Rabbi Joseph Telushkin, “Hevra Kaddisha, or Burial Society - My Jewish Learning,”

My Jewish Learning, n.d.,

http://www.myjewishlearning.com/life/Life_Events/Death_and_Mourning/Burial_a
nd_Mourning/Tahara/Hevra_Kaddisha_Burial_Society_.shtml.

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more of what it means to be a Jew, of what the Torah stands for, than all the books I

ever read. …They tended the corpse gently and reverently, yet did not pretend it

was anything other than a corpse.”28 He describes the simplicity and beauty of the

service, the prayers and the burial in the resting place outside of the city of

Jerusalem, how holy and sacred it was to him. It is a profoundly moving account of

honoring his father in law and how he shared this experience of loss within the

rituals of the Jewish community in Jerusalem.

This second point is also important to the Jewish experience. It is essential to

mention the experience of collective grief that has been studied as an integral to the

Jewish experience of grief and loss. Professor Emeritus Hamutal Bar-Yosef of Ben-

Gurian University writes:

Bereavement and mourning play a powerful role in Israeli culture. We

belong, after all, to a people with a long history of collective grief, one that
casts its shadow over our lives even today…We must not forget what has
happened to our people and what it has suffered. We have come to see this
duty as a given…And for those who have lost loved ones in the Holocaust,
in Israel’s wars, or in terrorist attacks, the duty to remember—and to
mourn—seems even more obvious and unquestionable.29

Collective grief is something foreign to much our western society, even after the

tragedy of destruction in New York City on September, 2011. However, our highly

individualized westernized culture does not reflect long on the effects of collective

grief. Western culture tends to whitewash grief experiences in an effort to “move

forward” in a typically hurried fashion, to overcome the negative experiences and

replace them with positive thoughts.

28 Riemer, Jewish Reflections on Death, 158.
29 Hamutal Bar Yosef, “A Culture of Endless Mourning : Azure - Ideas for the Jewish

Nation,” Azureonline, Summer 2008, http://www.azure.org.il/article.php?id=428.

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 My experience in Israel contrasted deeply with my westernized worldview.

In a personal conversation with a taxi driver in Tel Aviv, I listened as he honored me

by sharing the story of the death of his son – his only son of his three children. He

proudly described his son’s ambitions and talents as an engineer pursuing advanced

degrees in the U.S. several years ago. However, the pull of his son’s nationalism

proved to be stronger than educational ambitions and upon encouragement from

his friends, he returned to Israel to enlist in the military. He had been previously

exempt from the Army because of his status as a student and as a result it had not

been mandatory for him to register. Now he joined voluntarily.

This young man joined his friends to fight for the honor of their country.

Within days of being sent with his platoon across the border, he was killed.

Navigating through traffic, this man wept for his son and for all the youth lost in the

ongoing conflicts in the region. We talked about the tragic loss of young life within

Israel and I could only listen and hold it all in my heart, and continue to do so.30 In

this briefest encounter, I experienced a fleeting glimpse of a culture that mourns

deeply in collective grief.

However, in examining collective grief Prof. Bar-Yosef acknowledges the

importance of remembering, but cautions over “excessive remembering” in what he

considers to be a possible hindrance to personal growth within the culture.31 He

expresses concern that constant focus on the memories of collective loss can be

unhealthy. He contends that this is, in some ways, contradictory to the Jewish belief

of death and life. “Ironically, it is… at odds with the Jewish tradition, which

30 Unknown, conversation, May 28, 2012.
31 Bar Yosef, “A Culture of Endless Mourning.”

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emphasizes recovery from loss as the natural and ideal human condition.”32 The

Jewish experience of death, grief and loss is complex and multifaceted and calls for

deep compassion and openness as companions on the journey through loss.

GRIEF AND LOSS: A REFLECTION ON THE CHRISTIAN EXPERIENCE

Overview

Christianity, apart from a belief system and world religion, has become in

some ways a Western world cultural phenomenon firmly entrenched in our

collective consciousness. We see this in the multiple ways that our society honors

holidays such as Christmas and Easter. These have become more culturally (and

commercially) significant than religious. However, in reflecting on the experience of

grief and loss, it is necessary to shift from the cultural aspects of Christianity and

focus on the spiritual belief system and practices within Christianity that affect the

bereaved. There is great diversity among Christian believers, as in other faiths,

which can affect the grief process. “There is tremendous variation to be found

among practicing Christians. So what chance is there to approach even a general

review of how ‘Christians’ grieve?”33 I will address the Christian experience of grief

and loss from a Western world context.

A philosophy / theology on death, grief and loss from the Christian

Perspective

Reverend Stephen McConnell writes in Living with Grief that what

distinguishes Christianity from other world religions is the belief in the afterlife, or

specifically for Christians, in heaven; “the ultimate hope of the suffering or grieving

32 Bar Yosef, “A Culture of Endless Mourning.”
33 Doka and Davidson, Living with Grief, 40.

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Christians – the belief that one’s loved one has not merely departed, but has in fact

arrived elsewhere…at the ultimate destination.”34 For many, the concept of heaven

can facilitate the grief process, as it is “a light at the end of the tunnel of grief.”35

It is important to recognize that the Christian belief system in some ways

may also complicate the grieving process. In my personal experience of running

Christian faith based grief support groups, I have journeyed with individuals

struggling to make sense out of their contradictory emotions. They desire to feel

relief that their loved one is “in a better place,” however, such a belief does not allow

them to realistically express their grief at times. There can be much anger and guilt

over the reality that they are gone, even in spite of many easily recited Christian

euphemisms.

One participant attended our group for two years. This gentleman was well

versed in scripture, was of the Episcopalian faith, and when retired, witnessed his

wife of 40 years suffer a heart attack. She died in his arms. The raw grief

complicated by the unexpected traumatic death his wife, despaired this man

relentlessly even after several years. He sought professional medical help, but he

expressed his guilt, his anxiety and his inability to understand how God would do

this to him. “All too often within the Christian community bereaved individuals are

not given permission to feel and express the deep pain that may remain in spite of

the assurance of eternal life for their loved one. Sadly, there are even those who are

likely to cast doubt upon the faith of a griever who continues to grieve…”36 Not

34 Doka and Davidson, Living with Grief, 40.
35 Doka and Davidson, Living with Grief, 40.
36 Doka and Davidson, Living with Grief, 42.

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allowing one to grieve within their own way is perhaps the greatest tragedy in our

Western culture. Grief knows no timetable and attending to the work of grief is

exhausting and should be allowed to occur at each individual’s own pace.

Another participant within my pastoral setting, a retired gentleman recently

widowed, remarried within less than a year after the death of his wife. He attended

one of our small support groups, and expressed his own philosophy of how he had

“to pick up with his life and move forward.”37 While this ability to “normalize” his

life and move on worked well for him, most of the attending group participants did

not appreciate this advice. They needed time to express their grief and tell their

stories of their loved ones without a timetable to “move on.”

What typically can happen within the westernized Christian community is an

inability to “sit” and affirm the hard work of grief and to allow for an undetermined

length of time for the bereaved. Frequently in the Christian community, “the church

does well in the crisis moments of death and immediate grief, bit it often not

prepared to walk with the bereaved down the long path.”38 It seems perhaps this is a

reflection of our own discomfort with death, particularly in a culture that “worships”

youth, life and vitality in a seeming attempt to ignore death and discomfort.

Other complications may include the belief system of salvation and judgment.

A mother attending a grief group last year after the tragic death of her teenage son

wrestled with this very issue. The family was Mexican and their Catholic Christian

spirituality was a deep part of their social and cultural identity. The death of their

son was a tragic and complicated death caused as a result of his participation in

37 Anonymous, English, Srping 2010.
38 Doka and Davidson, Living with Grief, 42.

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destructive, evil influences accessible via the Internet. This mother expressed

terrible guilt and shame over the nature of the loss and the effect of this death on

her surviving teenage son. Once she consciously decided to move beyond the shame

of the nature of this death, she was able to begin to “cope” and attend to the tasks pf

grieiving. She expressed repeatedly that she did not believe, that even under such

tragic conditions, her oldest son could possibly end up in any place other than with

God.39 She found her hope in the resurrection, in spite of the difficulty of the

circumstances in his death.

The key element for assimilating Christian grief and suffering is ultimately

found in the person of Jesus Christ for Christians. The images of Christ crucified and

resurrected are powerful images and symbols that can remind the Christian that

they do not suffer alone.40 However, while the cross and the resurrection can stand

as symbols, they also reveal complex and often conflicting emotions for the

bereaved. Doubt and faith can co-exist for the Christian in grief with “the hope and

assurance of what is promised to us in the beyond and the doubt and pain that can

come to us in our present loss. …The Psalmist speaks of these complexities in the

well known Psalm 23: The Lord is my Shepard…”41

Practical Application within the Christian bereaved experience

Because there are many Christian denominations, I will focus on the

practices of three major faith communities: Roman Catholic, Episcopalian and

Anglican.

39 Female participant, Spring 2011.
40 Doka and Davidson, Living with Grief, 43.
41 Doka and Davidson, Living with Grief, 45.

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 • Funerals and Mourning42

o A Catholic Funeral is usually a part of the funeral mass though

in some cases the funeral may be held as a service only.
o The first day after the death of the loved one, the family
prepares the services with the parish for burial.
o Within two – three days Catholics usually hold a wake often
held at the funeral home. The wake is the opportunity for
friends and family to gather to express their condolences.
o In the Episcopal/Anglican Church, a funeral service can be part
of a larger service or a service by itself. If held within a larger
service called a Requiem, there is typically a communion
service.43
o Catholics, Anglicans and Episcopalians believe in some form of
judgment and the return of Christ to judge both the living and
the dead.
o There is a strong belief in heaven and doctrine on hell as well.
(Though personal beliefs vary widely.)
o The services at the church are presided by the priest.

• Comforting the Bereaved

o Phoning and visitation of the bereaved is encouraged in the
Christian faith traditions.
o No services are usually held within the home of the bereaved.
o Return to work typically occurs within one week’s time in the
faith tradition (though socially it may vary tremendously.)
o For Catholics, anniversary masses are usually said on the first
anniversary of the death of the loved one.

Concluding thoughts on death and the Christian experience

A Christian walking through grief is aptly described as one who “walks in the

valley of death.”44 Caregiving and walking with the Christian bereaved therefore

should be defined as a relationship of strong active listening, non-judgment and

quiet companionship. The tasks of grief and mourning are tasks of reconstruction

that are necessary for the bereaved to begin to live again beyond the death of a

42 Matlins and Magida, How to Be a Perfect Stranger, 306.
43 Matlins and Magida, How to Be a Perfect Stranger, 96.
44 Doka and Davidson, Living with Grief, 46.

18
loved one. In our Western world, as mentioned above, some complexities include

our desire for “quick” resolution of grief and a general lack of understanding as a

culture for the grief process. ‘The Christian walking this journey can hopefully

appropriate some of the positive messages over time such as those found in the

psalms. We read ‘goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I

will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.’ “45

In concluding thoughts on those of the Christian faith in grief and loss, I

would like to briefly reflect on experiences of the Christian bereaved in Israel. While

specific material on this topic is difficult to locate, it seems that with the dwindling

population of Christians overall in Israel, Christian grief and loss takes on a unique

dimension in this land. It would seem that perhaps Christians struggle to find their

place of mourning which can complicate grief even further.

In a February 2012 edition of the online Haaratz newspaper, an article

described conflcit taking place between Christians and Jews for Christian burial

space in the city of Be’er Shiva, which counts the Christian population any where

from 1,300 to 20,000. The tension surrounding this issue reflects the debate of the

population itself; it is a large immigrant population of Russian Christians and Arab

Christians.46

Stanislav Mishen, a Christian of Soviet extraction who immigrated to Israel

13 years ago, says that "there's a serious problem: there's nowhere to bury

45 Doka and Davidson, Living with Grief, 46.
46 Yanir Yagna, “Israeli city’s Christian community fights for equal burial rights Israel

News | Haaretz Daily Newspaper,” On line News Paper, Haaretz, February 19, 2012,
http://www.haaretz.com/news/national/israeli-city-s-christian-community-fights-
for-equal-burial-rights-1.413421.

19
 the Russian Christians," indicating that members of the city's Christian
community are forced to use the services of the alternative burial site.47

Perhaps the root of this debate lies in the fundamental differences in the

practices of grief and mourning for Christians and Jews. Halmut Bar Yosef states the

differences very clearly in the full text of his article: A Culture of Endless Mourning.

He writes: “unlike in Christianity, a Jewish cemetery must not be a place of

pilgrimage, nor is it customary to adorn graves with flowers. On the contrary,

Judaism considers the burial site a place of impurity, and visits to it should be

limited.”48 In the ongoing debate for burial space for Christians, it is this authors

supposition that the root of this debate my be rooted in the reality that for

Christians, cemeteries are a place of pilgrimage and holiness. Gravesites are

decorated with memorabilia, pictures, flowers and flags. This is contrary to the

Jewish belief system.

Bar Yosef also insightfully reflects on the possibility that perhaps Christians

are also in a constant state of mourning as we return back to honoring the death of

Jesus personally and as a community of faith through the liturgical cycle. “Catholics

and Orthodox Christians venerate the image of the lifeless Jesus and other martyrs

who chose the path of pain and suffering. …It is as if the Christian is in a constant

state of mourning: He has not, nor cannot, bury his dead.”49 When connected with

the importance of the cemetery for Christians, Bar Yosef states “The Christian

cemetery is therefore a cherished and sacred place, one in which the living are

47 Yagna, “Israli city’s Christian community fights for equal burial.”
48 Hamutal Bar-Yosef, “Full Text A culture of Endless Mourning,” Azure summer

2008 (Summer 2008): 57.

49 Bar-Yosef, “Full Text A culture of Endless Mourning,” 45.

20
invited to dwell freely and at length. The Christian befriends death, allays the

encounter with it, and beatifies it…Christianity has succeeded in creating a cult of

mourning…”50

While my personal experience, as a Catholic Christian does not identify with

the sense of constant mourning, I believe it gives insight that is worthy of reflection.

In my grief and loss support groups, many have discussed the importance of visiting

the dead on anniversaries and significant holidays. One member of my

Bereavement Team, honors her mother yearly, by taking her entire family to the

cemetery and hosting a picnic at the cemetery by her mothers grave, as a way of

honoring, remembering and celebrating her mother. However, the fundamental

belief for Christians lies in the resurrection as a completion of the crucifixion – death

is not the finality, for Christians. Therefore, while it is possible to interpret what

appears to be an ongoing “cult” of mourning, this is only a part of our story as

Christians. It leaves out the key-defining component of our faith as Christians

regarding death and grief and that is the hope of the resurrection.

Such differences can add to the complexities of mourning for individuals as

well as cultures collectively grieving, and in particular in cultures that differ widely

on theologies and spiritualties pertaining to death, grief and loss. Given the

increased immigration and globalization of our world, it is imperative that we seek

points of intersection as a means of honoring our loved ones and the loved ones of

those not of our faith background.

50 Bar-Yosef, “Full Text A culture of Endless Mourning,” 47.

21
GRIEF AND LOSS: A REFLECTION ON THE ISLAM EXPERIENCE

Overview

In a painfully poignant written account by Muslim journalist Shurkria Alimi

Raad, titled Grief: A Muslim Perspective51 she details the pain filled death of her

beloved husband. Prior to his death, she and her two children and husband endured

an escape from Afghanistan, and years of separation from each other, as they made

their way to the United States. When they finally settled, they’re grief at losing all

they once had as a prominent family in Afghanistan became compounded with the

sudden onset and diagnosis of her husband’s aggressive form of pancreatic cancer.

The total time period between diagnosis and death was nine months. She writes:

“Parents talk about death, teachers teach about it and authors write about it…it is

part of our culture and faith. …I was told that death is very close to us, closer than

we think. …I hated this because I was reminded day after day how cruelly death

parted people. “52

In the well-respected publication, the Omega-Journal of Death and Dying, an

article titled Loss and Bereavement Among Israel’s Muslims, gives important insights

on the difference of Islamic thought on death as opposed to death and loss in the

Western world and in Israel. “Significantly, both Western and Islamic societies

recognize the significance and worth of the individual person, and have elaborate

and detailed ways to deal with the impact that the death of that person has on those

51 Doka and Davidson, Living with Grief, 47.
52 Doka and Davidson, Living with Grief, 49.

22
left behind.”53…However, differences exist dramatically in both cultures. “These

societies differ in their degree of emphasis upon individualist versus collectivist

values, their championing of traditional versus “modernist” values, and their degree

of tolerance for diversity and pluralism….”54 What is key in the Islamic faith is the

connection to the collective culture and belief system as opposed to the highly

personalized and individualized psyche of the Western world.

A philosophy / theology on death, grief and loss from the Muslim Perspective

Islam is the third of the great religious traditions stemming from the

patriarch Abraham. Like Judaism and Christianity, Islam shares the Semitic

religious heritage of monotheism, God’s revelation through the prophets, ethic

responsibility and accountabilities for ones actions at the Day of Judgment.55 The

Koran (Western spelling), or Qur’an as spelled by Muslims, is the Holy book believed

in the Islamic faith to “correct the scriptures preserved by the Jewish and Christian

communities.”56 It is believed and written about repeatedly in the Koran that God

ultimately determines all life and death. “He creates life and causes one to die.”57

Ultimately, God, or Allah, is the final judgment for those in the Islamic faith, and will

53 Simon Shimson Rubin and Hend Yasien-Esmael, “Loss and Bereavement among

Israel’s Muslims: acceptance of God’s Will, Grief and the Relationship to the
Deceased.,” OMEGA: Journal of Death and Dying 49, no. 2 (2004): 151.
54 Rubin and Yasien-Esmael, “Loss and Bereavement among Israel’s Muslims:

acceptance of God’s Will, Grief and the Relationship to the Deceased.,” 150.
55 DeSpelder and Strickland, The Last Dance, 509.
56 DeSpelder and Strickland, The Last Dance, 509.
57 DeSpelder and Strickland, The Last Dance, 510.

23
base eternal happiness or damnation on the book of the deeds that will be revealed

upon a person’s death.58

Within the Islamic faith, there are tensions that exist regarding the

expression of grief. We read:

A non-Muslim visitor even somewhat familiar with the culture will easily
observe a characteristic tension between the two sides of the response to
loss in Islamic society. On the one hand, the bereaved and society’s
acceptance of God’s will are manifested in an emphasis on control of
emotions and limited involvement in the grief response. On the other hand,
the typical behavioral expressions of lamenting, wailing, and other
powerful or prolonged expressions of grieving convey the power of
attachment and kinship ties, and acceptance of this. The basic tension
between these forces resides within the Islamic response to loss, as well as
between the genders within the Islamic faith (Abu-Lughod, 1993).59

Ultimately, the Islamic faith teaches belief in the bodily resurrection of all.

“The Islamic vision of the afterlife is both spiritual and physical…’since the Last Day

will be accompanied by bodily resurrection…the pleasures of heaven and the pain of

hell will be full experienced…’ “60 Raad writes: “We Muslims strongly believe that

death is not the end but a beginning to our new lives…”61 The authors of The Last

Dance tell us: “For the Muslim, life on earth is the seedbed of an eternal future.”62

58 DeSpelder and Strickland, The Last Dance, 510.
59 Rubin and Yasien-Esmael, “Loss and Bereavement among Israel’s Muslims:

acceptance of God’s Will, Grief and the Relationship to the Deceased.,” 154.
60 DeSpelder and Strickland, The Last Dance, 510.
61 Doka and Davidson, Living with Grief, 50.
62 DeSpelder and Strickland, The Last Dance, 510.

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 Practical Application within the Islamic bereaved experience

Statistics place the Islamic faith as the fastest growing religion in the world.63

This is important, particularly for pastoral lay ministers, as every country in the

world has even a small population of Muslim communities.64 Therefore, to

understand the impact upon our work as ministers in the Catholic Christian context

and upon our communities, it is critical to have a sense, even as an “outsider,” to

some of the basic tenets of grief and loss for the Islamic faith community.

• Funerals and Mourning65

o Because the Muslim view of afterlife with a final day of reckoning for all,
there is individual views on what form this will literally take. (As in other
faiths, it varies widely.)
o The Islamic funeral lasts 30 – 60 minutes.
o The funeral takes place one to three days after the death.
o The ceremony takes place in the funeral home or mosque.
o There is never an open casket and an Imam leads the service.
o Muslims are buried, never cremated and prayers are recited for the dead
as they are buried.
o One account states “according to tradition, the body is prepared and laid
out in a simple white cloth.”66 (except in the case of a martyr as there it is
a desecration to wash away the blood of the martyr.)67
o The grave is laid out in a north to south axis with the face of the deceased
facing east, or Mecca, so it is in a constant state of prayer.68

• Comforting the Bereaved69
o It is acceptable to visit any time during the traditional 40 days of
mourning.
o Non-Muslims may call on the bereaved to visit.

63 Stuart M. Matlins, ed., The Perfect Stranger’s Guide to Funerals and Grieving

Practices: A Guide to Etiquette in Other People’s Religious Ceremonies (Skylight Paths

Pub, 2000), 110.
64 Matlins, The Perfect Stranger’s Guide to Funerals and Grieving Practices, 110.
65 Matlins and Magida, How to Be a Perfect Stranger, 121.
66 DeSpelder and Strickland, The Last Dance, 510.
67 DeSpelder and Strickland, The Last Dance, 510.
68 DeSpelder and Strickland, The Last Dance, 510.
69 Matlins, The Perfect Stranger’s Guide to Funerals and Grieving Practices, 122.

25
 o The setting in the home is usually subdued while family members or
friends read from the Koran to comfort the living and to honor the
deceased.
o There is no service at the home of the bereaved.
o Women frequently prepare food for the time of mourning as determined
by the family.
o Mourners return to work approximately two – three days after the death
and burial.
o There is no ritual to observe the anniversary of the death.

Concluding thoughts on death and the Islamic experience

The article Loss and Bereavement Among Israel’s Muslims, gives important

insights to the evolution of thought in the Islamic faith on death and loss. “In the

pre-Islamic-period, the Arabs believed that death was the destruction of the living

spirit. Those who were not buried and those who were not avenged became

wandering spirits. Leaving the dead to such a fate was considered a disgrace….”70

However, the authors show us that under the Islamic faith, these views

changed considerably. “Under Islam, the perception of death changed. Birth and

death were considered divine decrees. Parents did not bequeath life, God did. Events

did not cause death; they were the means by which God’s will was enacted.”71

Therefore, previous ways of living and of understanding ones life were dramatically

altered. Ultimately, ones life became holy and therefore all were accountable to

some form of judgment at the end of their life.72

As the self-understanding of the Islamic believer changed with the

70 Rubin and Yasien-Esmael, “Loss and Bereavement among Israel’s Muslims:

acceptance of God’s Will, Grief and the Relationship to the Deceased.,” 153.
71 Rubin and Yasien-Esmael, “Loss and Bereavement among Israel’s Muslims:

acceptance of God’s Will, Grief and the Relationship to the Deceased.,” 153.
72 Rubin and Yasien-Esmael, “Loss and Bereavement among Israel’s Muslims:

acceptance of God’s Will, Grief and the Relationship to the Deceased.,” 153.

26
understanding death as God’s ultimate will for humans, rituals and prayers also

changed. This shift including eliminating offers of sacrifice for the deceased and

rather than focusing on the glorification of the deceased, prayers for mercy to God

were instead the norm of the ritual. Purification and wrapping of the body

continued however, and continue to this day.73

I was clearly aware of the Islamic surrender to God through death and loss in

an encounter with a Muslim shopkeeper in Jerusalem towards the end of my stay in

Israel. After some time shopping, I was invited to sit and talk with a jewelry maker

who as an Arab Muslim and proud of his faith. We talked of God and of our shared

understanding that there is only one God and yet we both agreed on the pain of

religious violence that kills in the name of this same God. This lovely man described

how he handed his faith on to his small children – and exhorted them to not kill in

the name of our God. When I asked his how his faith community experienced

sadness when a loved one dies, he became animated in his answer. He described

that there was no time for too much sadness because “God calls us home.” He

expressed the joy of his knowledge in what was to come after this life, a faith that is

based in the eternal reality of God and our souls living on.74 It was a very moving

conversation with which I felt deeply the presence of God.

The journal article in Omega gives excellent context to the reality of Muslims

experiencing grief and loss in Israel and expresses a need for better understanding.

73 Rubin and Yasien-Esmael, “Loss and Bereavement among Israel’s Muslims:

acceptance of God’s Will, Grief and the Relationship to the Deceased.,” 153.
74 Anonymous, English, June 2, 2012.

27
“In Israel, a small country whose Jewish majority co-exists with a sizable Muslim

minority (and which is physically located within the Islamic geographic sphere of

influence), there is insufficient understanding of the Muslim approach to loss and

what it involves.”75 However, with the practices of the Islamic community within

Israel are generally accepted, overall, throughout the Muslim population. “While the

attitudes here are most representative for the Muslim minority in Israel, they are

part and parcel of the general Islamic approach to loss.”76 Understanding

differences is crucial to overcoming divisions and intolerance of the needs of all

communities and in particular of those who grieve.

CONCLUSION

Culture, ethnicity, spirituality, religion, are all fluid realities of life, and each

component greatly impacts the individuals and the communities in which the

individual lives, when one experiences the death of a love one. The task of grief and

mourning, as most literature will tell us, is the process of reconstruction of our life,

following loss and creating new meaning in one’s personal world with the deceased

no longer a part of our world. Cultures differ widely in mourning activities, in how

the deceased are remembered, in the narratives that are told of the deceased.77

“There are thousands of cultures in the world that differ from one another in how

75 Rubin and Yasien-Esmael, “Loss and Bereavement among Israel’s Muslims:

acceptance of God’s Will, Grief and the Relationship to the Deceased.,” 150.
76 Dr. Suwaed Muhammed, “The Ways Muslim Arabs in Israel Cope with Grief & Loss

- tradition, ritual and custom.”, n.d., 151, www.inter-

disciplinary.net/ptb/mso/dd/dd4/suwaed%20paper.pdf.
77 David Balk and David Meagher, eds., Handbook of Thanatology: The Essential Body

of Knowledge for the Study of Death, Dying, and Bereavement, 1st ed. (Routledge,
2007), 116.

28
loss is understood and how people are socialized and expect to grieve and

mourn…everything arises from culture and is given meaning and form by

it…including dying, death and grief.”78

The study of grief and loss in various cultures is an important component of

lay ministry within Catholic Christian ministerial work. Pastoral Ministry is work

that is deeply involved with all facets of life with the members of the faith

community and beyond: those of birth, life, and death. Even beyond the parochial

boundaries, lay ministers in what is called “Ministerial Work” or “Pastoral Ministry”

are called to be a witness to the world, beyond one’s personal and comfortable

geographic boundaries. Lay ministers are called to be fully engaged in the the global

community. As the document Gaudium et Spes of the Vatican II documents exhorts

us: ‘The joys and the hopes, the griefs and the anxieties of the men of this age,

especially those who are poor or in any way afflicted, these are the joys and hopes,

the griefs and anxieties of the followers of Christ. …That is why this community

realizes it is truly linked with mankind and its history by the deepest of bonds.’ ”79

In my two-week travels to Israel, I was graced to experience cultures vastly

different from my own. I felt honored to be invited into stories of family, of love and

of loss, and to be asked to hold all in my prayers. I treasure those I met and their

stories they generously entrusted to me. In my work as a pastoral minister, I feel

78 Balk and Meagher, Handbook of Thanatology, 115.
79 “Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the Modern Word-Gaudium et Spes”,

December 7, 1965, 1,
http://www.vatican.va/archive/hist_councils/ii_vatican_council/documents/vat-
ii_const_19651207_gaudium-et-spes_en.html.

29
deeply honored to be invited into the sacred stories of life with those with whom I

journey. It is a humbling experience. I feel it is our calling in ministry to be truly

present (in body, spirit and soul!) with those with whom God puts in our paths, and

to be open, to listen, to learn. This is the call of St. Paul in the New Testament book

of Galatians chapter 2 verse 20: “it is no longer I that lives, but Christ that lives in

me.” This is the call of all Christians and all lay ministers. We are called to be Christ

to those around us – to be less of self and become more of God. I gained a deeper

awareness of this call this in a profound way on my travels through Israel.

Authors Rubin and Yasien-Esmael sum up the importance of understanding

grief and loss within the context of culture. “As the management of grief and

bereavement are universal tasks confronting all persons, fuller understanding of…

approaches to handling loss has the ability to stress our similarities without

minimizing or overlooking our differences. Ultimately, we have a window into the

nexus of human relationships that comes by learning about the society’s religious

and cultural belief system regarding how to manage grief and bereavement.” 80

Rubin and Yasien-Esmael prophetically emphasize that in a world where so many

cultures live within the same communities and neighborhoods, without even a

minimal understanding of differing belief systems, there is a crippling effect in the

development of respectful relationships.

In studying and reflecting on the grief and loss as experience within each of
the world’s three largest monotheistic faiths, the goal has been to gain deeper

appreciation of the journey of life and death, in unique communities.

80 Rubin and Yasien-Esmael, “Loss and Bereavement among Israel’s Muslims:

acceptance of God’s Will, Grief and the Relationship to the Deceased.,” 150.

30
Companioning the bereaved is a ministry that responds to the call as stated above
in Gaudium et Spes and of the Gospel. We respond to the needs of the human

family that is fragile and struggling in so much of the world. With increasing

globalization, immigration, and even political instability, the need for better
understanding, greater attentiveness and deeper compassion only increases. In

understanding the differences of how life and death are honored within Judaism,

Christianity and Islam, we see the critical key components for adopting a sense of
mercy, compassion and unity.

As Joan Chittister, OSB, stated in collaboration with colleagues in The Tent

of Abraham: “We are the members of the people of Abraham: Jews, Christians

and Muslims….” and in this journey lay ministers are called to reach beyond
81

one’s self to become a conduit of openness and healing. The importance of this
quality of critical attentiveness for lay ministers cannot be stressed enough.

Understanding the belief systems of those with whom we journey, in their context

and lived experience of grief and loss is not optional. It is the core of the Gospel
message for all Christians.

Anonymous. English, Spring 2010.

———. English, June 2, 2012.
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