reclaiming youth library
Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to
Matter More Than Peers
By Cordon Neufeld and Cabor Mate
Reviewed by EHzabeW Madson Ankeny
When my children were born, I knew eventually there would be times when they wouldn't want to
talk to me. I realized I needed to introduce them to strong, caring adults. Because if my children
didn't want to talk to me, they could go to those nurturing adults to get the counsel or the support
they might need.
lence among our youth. In addition, children have
W
hen my wise friend Bea shared these
words as we discussed parenting, she become secretive and hostile in their own homes.
anticipated the premise of Hold on to The authors describe how these concerns relate to
Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter misaligned attachment.
More than Peers (Neufeld & Mate, 2005); we must
connect our children with nurturing adults. Why have seemingly normative parental connec-
tions been replaced with signs of detachment?
Neufeld and Mate argue that given contemporary Neufeld and Mate explain parents and children have
cultural and economic changes, children have lost not changed as much as the culture in which parent-
their orientation toward the adults in their lives and hood takes place. Children's attachments to parents
have replaced it with peers, Harkening to Bowlby's no longer receive necessary support from culture
(1969; 1982) classic study of the subject, Neufeld and and society; as a result, children are forming attach-
Mate explain that attachment provides a firm foun- ments that compete with parental connections, thus
dation for parenting and a context for child-rearing: challenging primary caregivers with divided loyal-
When a child seeks contact and closeness ties. For example, the natural parental desire to
with us, we become empowered as a nurtur- develop children's social competence by arranging
er, a comforter, a guide, a model, a teacher, or out-of-home experiences (play dates, day care, pre-
a coach. For a child well attached to us, we school) may, in fact, be "setting up our children's
are her home base from which to venture into peers to replace us" (p. 235). Such activities become
the world, her retreat to fall back to, her what the authors call "peer oriented."
fountainhead of inspirations, (p. 6)
Although the volume's title suggests that it is w^ritten Hold on to Your Kids is organized into five parts. In
for parents, the audience should extend to teachers the first three parts of the book, Neufeld and Mat^
and other members of the caring professions (social, meticulously explore the problem of "holding on"; in
corrections, and rehabilitation workers; counselors; the last two sections they propose promising
and psychologists). We are well aw^are of the increas- solutions. The authors generate reader interest by
ing incidence (or at least recognition) of ADHD, interspersing real-life stories from both personal and
emotional disorders, bullying, shunning, and vio- professional experiences.
reclaiming children and youth 15:4 winter 2007 «• pp. 249-251 249
In the first part of the book, Neufeld and Mate children. Peer orientation diminishes the child's
explain that, "parent-child relationships that at the attention to adults because adults are not top priority
beginning are powerful and fully nurturing can in the attention hierarchy of peer-oriented children.
become undermined as our children move out into a
world that no longer appreciates or reinforces the In a third subdivision, the authors explain why peer
attachment bond" (p. 7). Peer attachments have orientation stunts children's growth, A peer-oriented
come to replace relationships with adults as our child loses the natural shield against stress
children's sources of orientation. While it is not provided by parents. Without this shield and the
unnatural for children to connect with their peers, the coinciding detachment from parents, children and
concern lies in the fact that children have become the adolescents may close down emotionally for protec-
dominant influence in one another's development. tion's sake. Neufeld and Mate elaborate, "To shut
down emotions is to lose an indispensable part of
Parents and educators can easily become blinded by who we are. Emotions are what make life worth-
the effects of peer orientation. Witnessing our chil- while, exciting, challenging, and meaningful. They
dren traveling with a pack of friends, we look on drive our explorations of the world, motivate our
with pride, patting ourselves on the back for raising discoveries, and fuel our growth" (p. 109). As their
such socially adept offspring. Even as they grow emotions shut down, the authors claim that in a
distant from us, we falsely attribute this change to "flight from vulnerability," peer-oriented children
their growing independence, self-sufficiency, and become invulnerable. No longer do they observe
social precociousness—in other words, we view it as life as brimming with possibility, their own lives as
something normal and even desirable. While I hold fllled with potential, and the world as a place of
to the importance of producing independent off- hope and promise. The authors comment, "No won-
spring, Neufeld and Mate offer us another perspec- der so many of them these days are being treated for
tive to consider—that we have sacrificed healthy depression, anxiety, and other disorders" (p. 109).
attachments on the altar of independ-
ence and peer culture. I recommend In the fourth section, Neufeld and Mate direct
that readers juxtapose the authors' us to collect our children, engaging the attach-
viewpoint with research findings ment instincts, via four distinct steps. First,
suggesting that parents continue to we must get in the child's face or space in a
influence factors in their children's friendly way. Parents, teachers, and profes-
lives such as preferences, beliefs, sionals must aim to consciously collect a
and political stance, as well as other
child before caring for her or instructing her.
research findings indicating that child
Warm and friendly engagement provides a
care does not promote parental
child with assurance. Second, we must pro-
detachment.
vide something for the child to hold on to.
The authors suggest physical expressions of
In the second part of the book, warmth, I encourage interested readers to
Neufeld and Mate clarify that consult Ashley Montagu's seminal
the root of the change to exag-
classic. Touching (1986), to learn
gerated peer loyalties is the lack
more about the values of tac-
of parental power, not the
tile experience and its effect
absence of love, knowledge,
on development. There are
commitment, or skill. "The
circumstances where physical
power we have lost is the
power to command our chil- expressions would not be
dren's attention, to solicit their appropriate; however, the
good intentions, to evoke their ultimate gift is "to make a
deference, and secure their child feel invited to exist in
cooperation" (p. 49). Therefore, our presence exactly as he is,
peer orientation and all of its to express our delight in his
ramifications disenfranchise Art by Nathan.
very being" (p. 184) so the
adults from peer-oriented 0. M. Irwin School. Swift Current, SK, Canada. child will have something to
Used with permission
250 0 reciaiming chiidren and youth
hold on to. Third, we must invite appropriate levels Neufeld and Mate contend tbat schools contribute to
of dependence. Arguing with those who premature- peer orientation by assigning overwhelmed teachers
ly promote independence, the authors pledge that to large classes. As a result, children are expected to
the only way children become independent is seek connections with one another. The authors fur-
through being dependent, in the sense that Bowlby tber suggest that "teacher training completely
(1992) meant when he employed the term attach- ignores attachment; thus educators learn about
ment. We must have confldence that getting children teaching subjects but not about the essential impor-
to be independent is nature's task and not ours. The tance of connected relationships to tbe learning
fourth thing we must do to collect our children is to process of young human beings" (p. 34). Scbool
act as their compass point, their guide. The authors rules and regulations tend to keep cbildren out of
ask us to remember that children need guides, for tbe classroom before classes begin, depriving tbem
which we are their best resource. "The more we ori- of adult contact. Likewise, cbildren spend recess and
ent them in terms of time and space, people and luncbtime with tbeir peers. The remark about
happenings, meanings, and circumstances, the more teacher training may strike some as something of a
inclined they are to keep us close" (p. 191).
straw man, but the importance of attachment in the
In the fifth part of the book, Neufeld and Mate speak development of mental health cannot be overstated.
directly to preventing children's over-reliance on For readers interested in applying some of the sug-
peers. They suggest that as adults we should not be gested solutions in this book into the scbool setting,
so concerned about children getting along with one I further recommend Nel Noddings' The Challenge to
anotber. Instead, we should focus on cultivating Care in Schools (2005). For example, Noddings sug-
relationships with the adults in our children's lives gests meal time at schools sbould include "tables at
and valuing "children's becoming able to hold on to which adults from the community and students
themselves when interacting with others. All the migbt sit together, eat, and engage in civilized con-
socializing in the world could never bring a child to versation" (p, 65),
this point. Only a viable relationship with nurturing
adults can give birtb to true independence and indi- Neufeld and Mate place the responsibility directly
viduality" (p. 243). The authors further contend that on us, not tbeir peers, to collect our cbildren, reestab-
children need a relationship with themselves far lish a caring adult hierarchy, and hold on to our cbil-
more than they need relationships with peers. dren until our work is done, wben tbey can hold on
to themselves. Hold on to Your Kids is vital reading for
Neufeld and Mate conclude with suggestions for adults wbo must strive to reestablish relationships
building what they call an "attachment village." The with the cbildren in their lives.
authors submit that those who are forty and older
can remember when villages of attachment were a
reality. Neighbors acted as surrogate parents, the Elizabeth Madson Ankeny, PhD, is assistant professor in the
Department of Special Education at St. Cloud State University,
neighborhood grocer knew the children, as did the
St. Cloud, Minnesota. She is interested in supporting students
family doctor, and the extended family helped care with disabilities and their families through the transition
for them. The authors maintain tbat tbese attachment process. She can be contacted by phone: 1-320-308-2150 or
villages can be restored by implementing such strate- e-mail: emarLkeny@stcloudstate,edu
gies as fostering relationships with children and
adult friends who care about them, implementing
family socialization activities, designing neighbor- REFERENCES
hoods so that there are places that people of all ages Bowlby, J. (1982). Aitachmeni (2nd Ed.). New York: Basic Books.
can gatber, and making the evening meal a sacred Note: First edition published in 1969 by Travistock.
time when the family gathers to share the events of Montagu, A. (1986). Touching (3rd Ed.). New York: Harper & Row.
(originally published in 1971).
the day. Hold on to Your Kids inspires parents and pro- Neufeld, G., & Mate, G. (2005). Hold on to your kids: Why parents need
fessionals to develop an attachment community in to matter more than peers. New York: Ballantine Books,
bomes, neighborhoods, schools, and clinics. Noddings, N. (2005). The chalienge to care in schools: An alternative
approach to education (2nd Ed.). New York: Teachers College Press.
volume 15, number 4 winter 2007 «J? 251
