SHREK

Fiona!

After a moment of silence, he opens his eyes, realizing that

Fiona is not there.

SHREK
Fiona?

He looks around the room, puzzled. The door slams closed

behind him.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 28.

A baby carriage rolls slowly into frame behind him. He turns

slowly and sees the baby carriage covered with a blanket.
Shrek removes the blanket, revealing a baby ogre, smiling
innocently at him.

SHREK
Huh? Oh no.

The baby burps.

SHREK
(AMUSED)
Better out than in, I always say.
Ha ha!

OGRE BABY
Hiccup!

This time the baby's burp turns into projectile vomit aimed
directly at Shrek. Shrek puts his hand up to block the
vomit, but to no avail. The baby continues to vomit, but
eventually stops after completely soiling himself and Shrek.
The baby looks like it's about to cry. Shrek raises his
hands.

SHREK
No, no, no, no, no, no. Ha, ha.
It's okay. It's gonna be alright.

Shrek picks the baby up, smiling at it cautiously. He holds

it awkwardly for a few seconds, then looks up and realizes
that his house is filled with babies.

OGRE BABY
Da-Da!

Babies roll around his living room, tearing the fabric off
his chair. The chair reclines, catapulting one of the babies
onto Shrek's head. A standing lamp with a baby on top falls,
and Shrek dives to catch him. Another baby is pulling the
tablecloth, causing lethal knives to fly straight at him.
Shrek snatches the baby away just before he is impaled. One
of the babies strikes a match near the fireplace. Shrek runs
over, picks up the baby and blows out the match. He takes a
baby out of the cauldron.
 SHREK
Hey! Hey, hey, wait! Would ya?
No, no. Stop! Hey, hey, hey. No.

Shrek panics. A baby is knocking glass jars off the shelf.

Shrek catches him before he crawls off of it. Shrek runs
through the room picking up babies.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 29.

INT. SHREK'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

After he has collected as many babies as he can, Shrek slides

open the curtain to his bedroom.

SHREK
Huh?

He sees a baby sitting in his bed, smiling up at him. The

baby shrugs.

OGRE BABY
Bubabatoo?

Suddenly, Shrek hears a loud rumble. He turns around.

Babies start pouring out of the window and the fireplace.
First there is one, then two, then thirty more follow.
Hundreds of them start piling in.

Shrek makes a run for the doorway, but no matter how hard he
runs, the doorway keeps getting farther and farther away! He
keeps trying, hundreds of babies trailing behind.

INT. GRADUATION STAGE - CONTINUOUS

Finally, Shrek reaches the door and opens it. He slams it

shut behind him and closes his eyes. Everything is quiet.
He opens his eyes and finds himself on stage in front of his
high school.

Shrek looks up to find a graduation cap on his head. The

audience is full of ogre babies laughing at him. The camera
pulls back to reveal Shrek standing at the podium, naked.

CUT TO:

EXT. BOAT DECK - DAWN, CONTINUOUS

Shrek's eyes pop open, he sits upright and tries to compose

himself.

SHREK
Ahhhh! Oh, Donkey! Donkey, wake-
up!
Donkey and Puss turn around, but they both have baby-ogre
faces! Donkey makes a baby noise. As the camera zooms in,
Donkey's eyes glow red and his teeth become sharp and pointy.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 30.

DONKEY
(with ogre baby head)
Da-da!

A fog horn blows. Shrek bolts upright again. Donkey and

Puss wake up.

SHREK
Ahhhh!

He breaths heavily, trying to compose himself.

DONKEY
Shrek. Shrek, are you okay?

SHREK
Oh... I can't believe I'm going to
be a father.

Donkey and Puss look at each other. He gets up and walks to

the ship's railing.

SHREK
How did this happen?

PUSS
Allow me to explain. You see, when
a man has certain feelings for a
woman, a powerful urge sweeps over
him...

SHREK
I know how it happened. I just
can't believe it.

Shrek walks away.

Donkey leans over to Puss.

DONKEY
How does it happen?

Puss rolls his eyes at Donkey.

CUT TO:

Donkey sees Shrek at the back of the boat staring out at the
distant horizon. He walks up next to his friend.

DONKEY
(SINGING)
 And the cat's in the cradle and the
silver spoon,
(MORE)
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 31.
DONKEY (CONT'D)
Little boy blue and the man in the
moon.

Shrek rolls his eyes.

DONKEY (CONT'D)
"When you coming home, son?" "I
don't know when,
But we'll get together then, Dad-"

Shrek cuts Donkey off.

SHREK
Donkey, can you just cut to the
part where you're supposed to make
me feel better?

Shrek slumps against the rail. Puss hops up on the railing

and whispers into Shrek's other ear.

PUSS
You know I love Fiona, Boss.
Right?
(CONFIDENTIALLY)
But what I'm talking about here is
you, me, my cousin's boat, an ice-
cold pitcher of mojitos, and two
weeks of nothing but fishing.

Puss makes a "let's go fishing" gesture by casting an

imaginary rod into the ocean. Donkey is right there to
whisper in Shrek's other ear.

DONKEY
Man, don't you listen to him.
Having a baby is not going to ruin
your life.

SHREK
It's not my life I'm worried about
ruining. It's the kid's.

Donkey and Puss pause as Shrek rants.

SHREK
I mean...when have you ever heard
the phrase "as sweet as an...ogre"
or "as nurturing as...an ogre" Or
how `bout..."you're gonna' love my
dad...he's a real ogre."
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 32.
 DONKEY
Okay, okay I get it! Nobody said
it was going to be easy. But at
least you got us to help you out.

SHREK
That's true.

He thinks for a moment.

SHREK
I'm doomed.

DONKEY
You'll be fine.

SHIP CAPTAIN
You're finished.

Everyone turns to look at the Captain who clears his throat.

SHIP CAPTAIN
Uh, with your journey.

He points to shore. A majestic castle stands proudly on a

nearby bluff.

CUT TO:

EXT. WORCESTERSHIRE ACADEMY - DAY

Shrek, Puss and Donkey stand at the entrance to the castle.

Donkey reads the sign hanging over the entrance.

DONKEY
Wor-ces-ter-shireee. Now that
sounds fancy.

SHREK
It's Worcestershire.

DONKEY
Like the sauce!? Mmmm... It's
spicy!

The drawbridge to the castle lowers.

DONKEY
Oohh! They must be expecting us.

They start over the drawbridge.

Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 33.

A horse whinnies behind them. Shrek, Donkey, and Puss jump

out of the way as a medieval school bus storms by. The kids
on the back of the bus scream when they see Shrek.

DONKEY
What in the shista-shire kind of
place is this?

Shrek suddenly looks concerned.

SHREK
Well, my stomach aches and my palms
just got sweaty. Must be a high
school.

DONKEY
High school?!

EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS

A group of cheerleaders practice.

CHEERLEADERS
Ready?! Okay! Where for art thou
headed, to the top? Yeah we think
so, we think so! And dost thou
thinkest thine can be stopped? Nay
we thinks not! We thinks not!

Shrek rolls his eyes and continues on, terrifying students as

he walks through the courtyard.

FEMALE STUDENT #1
Ahhhhh!

The kid runs away quickly into the student parking lot where
a bunch of different style horse-drawn carriages are parked.
A carriage passes in front of Shrek that reads: "Caution -
Student Driver."

DRIVERS ED INSTRUCTOR
All right Mr. Percival, just ease
up on the reigns-

The carriage jolts forward and crashes off-screen.

Two stoner kids emerge from a medieval-style "VW" carriage.

VAN STUDENT
(cough, cough)
For lo bro, don't burn all my
frankincense and myrrh.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 34.

DONKEY
I'm already starting to feel
nauseous from memories of wedgies
and swirlies!
 PUSS
But how did you receive the wedgies
when you are clearly not the wearer
of the underpants?

DONKEY
Let's just say some things are
better left unsaid and leave it at
that.

He notices two female students discussing their love lives.

GUINEVERRE
So then I was all like "I'd rather
get the black plague and lock
myself in an iron maiden than go
out with you."

TIFFANY
Eh, totally.

Shrek approaches them.

SHREK
Pardon me...

They flee in terror.

GUINEVERRE
Eh! Totally ew-th!

TIFFANY
Yeah, totally!

A pair of dorky kids play a medieval, role-playing board

game.

GARY
Yes! I just altered my character
level to plus three superbability.

SHREK
Hi, we're looking for someone named-

GARY
Gee, who rolled a plus nine "dork"
spell and summoned the beast and
his quadrupeds.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 35.

XAVIER
Ha! Ha!
(SNORT)
Ah!

The students panics when his nose starts to bleed.

 SHREK
I know you're busy "not fitting in"
but can either of you tell me where
I can find Arthur?

While Xavier tries to control the bleeding, Gary points

towards the athletic field.

GARY
He's over there.

CUT TO:

EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - CONTINUOUS

In the distance, Shrek spots A BOLD KNIGHT atop his steed.

He looks very impressive as he rears up ready to charge.

Shrek, Donkey and Puss arrive to see the beginning of the

charge. It's an exciting back and forth.

Hooves pound on sand.

The Knight's eyes steady.

The horse rears majestically.

The opponent's eyes widen in fear.

The lance hits, and the opponent flies through the air and
lands in front of Shrek, Puss and Donkey.

Shrek looks back at the victorious Knight. He removes his

helmet revealing a strong handsome face. The Knight enjoys
his victory.

KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
Ha ha! There is no sweeter taste
on thy tongue than victory!

JOCKS
Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!

Shrek turns to Puss.

Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 36.

SHREK
Strong, handsome, face of a leader.
Does Arthur look like a King or
what?

Shrek steps forward.

TEENAGER (ARTIE)
Ow.
Shrek looks down, his foot planted square in the chest of
LANCELOT's opponent. Shrek steps back.

SHREK
Oh. Sorry.

The kid doesn't budge, his arms and legs still sprawled out
where he hit the ground.

TEENAGER (ARTIE)
Did you just say you were looking
for Arthur?

Shrek, Puss and Donkey turn back around.

PUSS
That information is on a need to
know basis.

DONKEY
It's top secret, hushity hush.

CUT TO:

EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - KNIGHTS AREA

The Knight commands his troops.

KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
Now gentlemen let's away... to the
showers!

JOCKS
Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo!

Shrek approaches the Knight.

The Knight's horse rears up and he falls off. The horse

gallops off. The Knight looks up at Shrek in fear.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 37.

SHREK (CONT'D)
Greetings your majesty. This is
your lucky day.

KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
So what for like are you supposed
to be? Some kind of giant mutant
leprechaun or something?

SHREK
Oh, ho, ho, ho. Giant mutant
leprechaun... You made a funny.

Shrek scoops up the Knight, tosses him over his shoulder,

ogre-style.

KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
Unhand me, monster!

SHREK
Stop squirming, Arthur.

KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
I'm not Arthur!

Shrek stops and holds Lancelot above his head. Lancelot

tries to regain his dignity.

LANCELOT
I am Lancelot.

Lancelot points across the school yard.

LANCELOT
That dork over there is Arthur!

He points to the TEENAGE ARTHUR, skulking away across the

school yard.

SHREK
Hey!

Artie turns his head briefly, but keeps on walking.

Shrek sighs and dumps Lancelot to the ground.

LANCELOT
Aaah.

Shrek storms off towards the school. Puss and Donkey catch
up. One of the female students steps in front of Shrek.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 38.

GUINEVERRE
Ahem! This is like totally
embarrassing, but my friend Tiffany
thinkest thou vex her so soothly...

The other girls giggle.

GUINEVERRE
And she thought perchance thou
would wanna ask her to the
Homecoming Dance or something...

SHREK
Uh, excuse me?

GUINEVERRE
It's like whatever. She's just
totally into college guys and
 mythical creatures and stuff.

She pops her gum.

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY - LATER

Shrek and Puss search the hallways, looking for Artie.

SHREK
Oh Arthur! Come out, come out
wherever you are...

Off-screen we hear mumbling from inside a locker. Shrek and

Puss look as Donkey pushes the locker door open. He has been
stuffed inside. Off-screen we hear some students laughing.

DONKEY
Yeah, you better run, you little
punk no good-niks, `cause the days
of "Little Donkey Dumpy Drawers"
are over!

An "I Suck-eth" sign has been taped Donkey's butt.

Shrek spots students entering the Gymnasium. They approach a

HALL MONITOR who stops them.

HALL MONITOR

Hold it...

Two mascot costumed students walk up to the hall monitor.

Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 39.

COSTUME STUDENT 1
We're here for the Mascot Contest.

COSTUME STUDENT 2
Grrrrr!

The Hall Monitor waves them in. Shrek gets an idea.

SHREK
(pleased with himself)
We're here for the Mascot Contest
too.

The Hall Monitor reaches out and starts painfully pinching

and pulling Shrek's skin. Shrek tries to hide the pain.

HALL MONITOR
(SUSPICIOUS)
This is a costume?
 SHREK
(RECOVERING)
Aaaiyyyy... worked on it all night
long!

The Hall Monitor lets his face snap back into place. Shrek
struggles not to scream in agony. Hall Monitor is still
suspicious.

HALL MONITOR
Looks pretty real to me.

PUSS
If it were real could I do this?

Puss's claws snap out one at a time like jack-knives and then
Puss jabs all the claws deep into Shrek's butt.

DONKEY
Or this?

Donkey kicks Shrek hard in the groin with his hind legs.
Shrek winces and sweats.

SHREK
(UNBELIEVABLY STRAINED)
He's right! If it were real that
would have been agonizingly
painful!

DONKEY
Now watch this....
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 40.

SHREK
(INTERRUPTING; THROUGH
GRITTED TEETH)
That's quite enough boys.

INT. GYMNASIUM - CONTINUOUS

Principal Pynchley presides over an assembly for the entire

student body. He speaks through a megaphone.

PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
Thank you to Professor Primbottom
for his invigorating lecture on how
to just say "nay".

Two students are standing next to Pynchley. One is dressed

up like a dragon and the other as a griffin.

PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
And now, without further ado, let's
give a warm Worcestershire-hoozah
to the winner of our "New Mascot"
 contest... the--

Shrek bursts through the double-doors of the gym.

PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY (CONT'D)

--ogre?

The students gasp as Shrek marches forward.

SHREK
That's right. I'm the new mascot.
So let's really try and beat the
other guys... at whatever it is
they're doing.

The band plays Smashmouth's "Rock Star."

PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
This is indeed all a bit
unorthodox.

Without breaking stride, Shrek grabs Principal Pynchley's

megaphone.

SHREK
Now, where can I find Arthur
Pendragon?
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 41.

The students all point... to the basketball hoop, where Artie

hangs helplessly. Shrek, Donkey and Puss turn and look up
and see the freshly wedgied student. The students laugh.

In the front row, Lancelot bumps fists with Bohort.

LANCELOT
Classic.

Donkey turns to Lancelot.

DONKEY
You should be ashamed of yourself.

LANCELOT
I didn't do it. They did.

Lance points to the D&D nerds. They are beside themselves

with nasal laughter. Nosebleed boy starts bleeding again.

Shrek reaches up and pulls Artie down to eye level.

ARTIE
Please don't eat me.

STUDENTS
(CHANTING)
Eat him! Eat him!
Even Principal Pynchley gets caught up in the excitement.

PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
Eat him!
Shrek yanks on Artie and pulls him off the hoop.

SHREK
I'm not here to eat him.

STUDENTS
AWWW.

SHREK
It's time to pack up your
toothbrush and jammies. You're the
new King of Far Far Away.

ARTIE
What?

The students react with surprise and disbelief.

Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 42.

LANCELOT
Artie a King? More like the Mayor
of Loserville.

BOHORT
Nice one Lance!

They high five. The tuba player plays a Wha-wha-wha.

LANCELOT
Burn.

Everyone laughs.

ARTIE
Is this for real?

SHREK
Absolutely. Now clean out your
locker, kid. You've got a kingdom
to run.

ARTIE
So wait, I'm really the only heir?

Shrek pauses for just a moment, then...

SHREK
The one and only.

ARTIE
Give me just a second.
Artie turns back to the crowd and delivers a heartfelt
speech.

ARTIE
My good people, I think there's a
lesson here for all of us. Maybe
the next time you're about to dunk
a kid's head in a chamber pot,
you'll stop and think, hey, maybe
this guy has feelings. Maybe I
should cut him some slack. Because
maybe, just maybe... this guy's
gonna turn out to be, uh...I
dunno...a King! And maybe his
first royal decree will be to
banish everyone who ever picked on
him -- that's right, I'm looking at
you, jousting team.

Artie points and Lancelot and his buddies look horrified.

Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 43.

ARTIE
And Gwen... oh Gwen. I've always
loved you.

GUINEVERRE
Ew.

ARTIE
Well good friends, it breaks my
heart, but, enjoy your stay here in
prison while I rule the free world
baby!

SHREK
Alright, let's not overdo it.

ARTIE
I'm building my city people! On
Rock and Roll!

SHREK
You just overdid it.

Shrek shoves the kid through the door.

ARTIE
Ow!

Shrek, Donkey, and Puss exit the gymnasium.

CUT TO:

INT. LIBRARY - DAY

All the Princesses and Fairy-tale Creatures have gathered for
Fiona's baby shower. A group of birds gently place a
flowered wreath on Fiona's head. The Princesses all gaze at
her.

PRINCESSES
(GASP)
Oh!

SNOW WHITE
Look at you!

RAPUNZEL
Wow!

SNOW WHITE
You look darling!
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 44.

SLEEPING BEAUTY
Just precious! Look at her!

RAPUNZEL
So, have you had any cravings since
you've been pregnant?

Fiona stands at the buffet table, stuffing her face with

cakes, pies, and anything else she can get her hands on.

FIONA
(MOUTH FULL)
No, no, not at all.

She takes another bite.

FIONA
Do you smell ham?

SNOW WHITE
(SINGING)
Oooh! It's present time!

The birds and forest creatures all flock to Snow White. They
chirp and hoot happily. Snow White looks annoyed.

CINDERELLA
Oh, Fiona, won't you please open
mine first? It's the one in front.

Fiona reads the card.

FIONA
(READING)
"Congratulations on your new mess
maker..." Oh, `mess maker.'
(LAUGHS)
"Hopefully this helps. Love,
 Cinderella."

Fiona opens it and pulls out a plastic baggy and pooper-

scooper.

PRINCESSES
Oooo! Aaaah!

DORIS
Will you look at that!

SLEEPING BEAUTY
What is it?
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 45.

CINDERELLA
It's for the poopies.

SLEEPING BEAUTY
Eww. Wait, babies poop?

RAPUNZEL
Everyone poops Beauty.

The Fairy-tale Creatures get excited.

PIG #2
Fiona...

PIG #1
Fiona! We all chipped in for a
little present too.

PIGS
Yah!

Pinocchio spins around, revealing a "Baby-Bjorn" with

Gingerbread Man inside.

GINGERBREAD MAN/PINOCCHIO
Ta dah!

PRINCESSES
Oooh.

GINGERBREAD MAN
You know the baby's gonna love it
because I do!

FIONA
Oh, you guys, that's so sweet.
Thank you.

Fiona turns to another present.

FIONA
Who's this one from?
 SNOW WHITE
I got you the biggest one because I
love you the most.

The other girls scowl at her.

FIONA
(reading the card)
"Have one on me, love Snow White"
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 46.

Fiona pulls the string, opening the box to reveal a dwarf.

FIONA
(CONFUSED)
Umm... what is it?

SNOW WHITE
Ha, haaa! He's a live-in baby-
sitter.

NANNY DWARF
Where's the baby?

FIONA
You're too kind, Snow, but I can't
accept this.

SNOW WHITE
Think nothing of it. I've got six
more at home.

FIONA
What does he do?

CINDERELLA
The cleaning.

SNOW WHITE
The feeding.

NANNY DWARF
The burping.