Codependency-101

Basics of Addiction, Grief, and Recovery

Jennifer S. Walker
 8 Foreword

F or 10 years, our family has suffered from codependency.

We’ve come to realize that it doesn’t necessarily start with
an unfortunate person getting into a bad relationship; it is often
generational, but may not bubble to the surface until abuse occurs.
Throughout these 10 years, we’ve seen survival of domestic
violence, drug and alcohol treatment, in-patient and out-patient
addiction rehabilitation, mood-disorder therapy, AA, Al-Anon, and
Codependents Anonymous meetings, flashbacks, episodes of post-
traumatic stress disorder, and on-going counseling. Early into the
healing process we discovered the word “codependency” for the first
time when the in-patient rehab counselors realized I had no real
“addiction” to drugs or alcohol, but rather to a behavioral pattern
stemming from childhood circumstances, and brought to light by an
abusive relationship with an addicted man.

We’re a real family that has been through some very real trauma,
and decided to do the work necessary to emerge on a real path to

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recovery. This prompted us to start Codependency No More and

begin providing encouragement from a first-hand perspective. We are
neither doctors nor counselors; we are simply a family who is serious
about our recovery, wants to break the generational cycle, and wants
to share our experience with others who need it for encouragement.
This is our first book, and the goal is to provide you with a thorough
but easy-to-read text all about the basics of this addiction.

We hope you enjoy!

“Codependency is the hardest addiction for

maintaining sobriety. The type of sobriety [we are
referring to] is behavioral, not chemical. So what is the
drug that codependents “fix”? It is the drug of drama;
the drug of being involved in other peoples’ problems.”

~Patricia Bradley-Bates, M.ED., LPC, LISAC

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 8 Chapter 1

What is Codependency?

C odependency is a relatively new word, and still evolving in its

meaning. Many people who hear the word associate it with
the need to be in love or in a relationship all the time, even to the
point where they “love” another in spite of an unhealthy relationship
dynamic. This is not far off from the actual origination of the term,
which refers to one who develops unhealthy relationship patterns as
a result supporting drug and alcohol-addicted family members. At
its core, codependency is an unhealthy reliance on outside forces for
mental and emotional stability.

Origination of the Term

“Codependency” as we know it has an interesting origin. In the
1930’s, Alcoholics Anonymous began with treatment centers for
alcoholics. The early days were more about treating the person with

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the problem than concern for other family members. Over time,
certain similarities were observed in the tendencies among the family
members of alcoholics. As a result, AA became more concerned with
educating families and began to delve deeper into their personalities.

At that time, the family member or significant other who was

involved with the alcoholic was referred to as a “co-alcoholic”, meaning
they were involved whether they wished to be or not because they
were, in essence, addicted to the alcoholic.

AA studied family members who grew up with an alcoholic parent,

and this led to the term “Adult Children of Alcoholics Syndrome.” In
the late 1960s, the problems with abuse moved to many types of
drugs, so AA became a treatment center for chemical dependency,
and the term for family members migrated to “co-dependent”.

Substance Abusers are Not Alone

Codependence is explained often by Alcoholics Anonymous to
make it clear that an alcoholic does not become or remain an alcoholic
based solely on his or her addictive nature. Friends and family provide
support to both the root cause of the alcoholism and the difficulty or
ease of getting over the addiction.

By allowing a person to drink or helping that person to procure

the drink of choice, a friend or family member is a codependent in the
situation. They may believe that their actions are beneficial because
they stop the suffering of the one with the drug or alcohol addiction.
In the situation of substance abuse, it won’t help to support the
addiction.

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The reasoning behind someone’s willingness to support improper

behavior because of a dependency on that person broadened the
meaning of codependency. It appears more that the codependent
individual is fixated on the dependent, needing approval or something
else that the dependent provides.

This sounds much like the Passive Dependent Personality, which

has been discussed at length for many years. The term is used to
describe someone with a weak personality who attaches to a stronger
one. Perhaps there is some overlap of the two, but codependency is
not solely based on the weak supporting the strong.

Basic Book Meaning of Codependency

In some circles, there are those who hold to the limited dictionary
view that one person is addicted psychologically or physically to
something and the codependent is psychologically dependent on the
other’s behavior. While this is true under certain conditions, it is not
100% accurate in every situation.

In every case of codependency, one person is manipulated by

another, but the reasons why can vary widely. For example, a parent
may secretly buy drugs for a child because they fear the child will be
caught and convicted of a criminal offense, or even killed in a drug
deal. A child that is suffering from withdrawal is often the stimulus
for a parent to bend the rules and supply the desired element to make
the “hurt” go away. In another example, a partner may bend their
values in order to accommodate their significant other. In this case,
the significant other is welcome at all family gatherings, but would
rather not participate, so the partner forgoes the event to please the

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significant other. As a result, the partner feels a sense of guilt for

not attending the gathering, but also a sense of acceptance from the
significant other.

Love for another person is often behind codependency, but even

love is not always the sole motivation. The codependent personality
may be one in which a person denies self for the betterment of
someone else, and this usually means that they:

ƒƒ may have low self-esteem

ƒƒ may believe in excessive compliance or control

ƒƒ are often in denial of the codependent nature

This personality is drawn to narcissistic profile types; those with

huge egos and self-centered objectives. Narcissistic people tend to
have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for
admiration. Codependents can be attracted to these types of people
since narcissists often provide an opportunity for caretaking along
with a false sense of security.

While we often think of codependency in the family, it can occur

anywhere; on the job, among friends, in love affairs, between peers,
in the community. It appears in varying degrees, for there are no fast
and firm rules as to how deeply it affects anyone.

Symptoms of the Codependent Personality

Caretaking and self-sacrifice are natural outcroppings for humans
concerned with others, but codependency denotes feelings and
thoughts that go far beyond natural limits. Parents are concerned for

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their children, but if one ignores their own needs to make sure that a
child has the “best” of everything, that is codependency.

Parents who worry enough about their own needs make better
caretakers, but the codependent parent is more likely to provide the
wrong type of support and may cause harm to a child.

Another tendency of the codependent personality is the

consideration of oneself as a martyr. Because they focus so much
on others and deny themselves, they cannot bear the thought that
they are not needed by someone all the time. Codependents look for
acceptance constantly, never feeling confident that anyone puts great
stock in them.

During an argument, codependents may set themselves up to be

the person “done to” or the victim. If they win an argument or stand
up to someone, the result is a guilty feeling for not losing the fight or
for taking a stand in the first place.

Codependency is often used in tandem with the older word

“enabling.” The person who enables is often preoccupied and/or over-
involved with the life of someone who has dependency problems.
In the mind of the enabler, they will aid the addict in stopping by
assisting through some means, but in actuality, they only help the
addict to remain dependent.

Expanding on the Meaning

Modern and more liberal meanings for codependency tend to tie
it to anyone with a dysfunctional relationship in which a person is
more concerned about other people’s needs than their own. The way

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that a person deals with other people in relationships and the way
they deal with themselves are the prime indicators of codependency.

Depending on what person you talk to, codependency may be

described as an illness, a phenomenon, an addiction, a psychosocial
condition, a disease, a personality trait, or a personality disorder.

It is such a reoccurring situation with so many people that many

learned professionals theorize that every addiction begins with
codependency. It is often considered that codependency IS the most
common addiction of all because the codependent cannot accept
their powerlessness over events and/or people.

The Dysfunctional Family

Because it leads to codependency, the study of the dysfunctional
family is a large player in treatment of the disorder. Members of a
family of this type suffer from shame, anger, fear, and/or pain, which
is either denied or ignored.

A dysfunctional family is often due to the addiction of one

member, but often there can be multiple addicts. Addiction is not
only necessarily to alcohol or drugs, either, because uncontrollable
dependence on anything is an addiction, whether it is gambling,
food, sex, relationships, or even work.

Other dysfunctional families may hinge on a member who has a

severe physical illness or a chronic mental condition. Often, there is
the condition of abuse, as in emotional, physical, or sexual.

Members of a dysfunctional family do not acknowledge to anyone

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that there is a problem. While they outwardly don’t speak of their

problems, they also do nothing to confront them. This builds a wall
around each family member and they learn to repress their emotions
and lose regard for themselves.

When I was a teenager, I begin a relationship with an

abusive man. I was unaware of his family’s dysfunction.
They took me in as one of their own and maintained
that everything would be okay. Mind you, I was 19,
pregnant and had run away from home. My life was
turned upside down and for whatever reason his family
seemed to be able to comfort me. I had left my parents
heartbroken and completely in the dark about what was
running through my mind. I still had contact but the
new family I had chosen to be with falsely reassured me
that I didn’t need my mom and dad. After a while, I
started to believe them.

Six months had gone by and I had a miscarriage. I

got sucked back into the relationship time after time
when I found myself feeling guilty about leaving. And
then it happened…I allowed a man to put his hands on
me. I swore I never would, but it was out of fear that I
kept going back for more. Each time abuse took place,
it got worse. From a push or shove to grabbing my arm
to full on punching and pulling hair. I was terrified to
talk about it and when asked what that mark on my
body was, I lied. I endured mental and physical abuse
regularly for 3 years and just made up stories about what

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happened. I was afraid, embarrassed and ashamed. I

became detached from the world. I minimized all of the
torturous behavior and made him sound like a nice guy.

I fell into the dysfunction of his family as they did

the same thing. They were in denial, not wanting to
believe that their son could treat someone this way.
Nothing was done to confront any problems. I made
all of their abnormal habits normal, totally distorting
any grasp I had on life. The habit was formed. I began
to lie my way through life because I didn’t know what
else to do. Minimizing my situation enabled me to
continue living in this horrible place. People seemed
to believe me. But I had lost control and didn’t even
know it. I sacrificed everything that was important to
me out of fear of further abuse. I didn’t even have a
name anymore. I was just someone’s ‘girl’ and none of
my needs were being fulfilled. I was totally empty and
had nothing more to give.

At this point, after 5 years, the only thing I could

cling to was my religious faith. While attending in-
patient rehab 3 years later, I began to confront the reality
of my past life. I didn’t want to feel the pain that came
with it, but knew it was the beginning of better things
to come. So I poured it out. It was also during this stay
at treatment that I learned about codependency. Let’s
just say I’m a textbook case!

To stay undiscovered by the world, members of a dysfunctional

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family may detach themselves as much as possible and typically don’t

get close to anyone else, even family members. They become non-
feeling towards every emotion, and refrain from touching, feeling,
trusting, and confronting others. Obviously, emotional development
doesn’t take place, so dysfunctional family members are unable to
participate in healthy relationships.

The entire family focuses on the member who is addicted or

ill. The codependent personality gives up their life and sacrifices
any needs of their own to cater to the ill or addicted person. In the
process, the codependent loses their identity.

Every family has some sort of dysfunction no

matter how perfect they “think” they are. When I think
of dysfunction, I consider alcoholism, drug addiction,
abuse; things that society does not support as part of a
“healthy” family environment. The reality is dysfunction
does still exist without any of these things.

Take my family for example. My childhood was

seemingly normal. My brother and I were involved in
lots of activities and got good grades; no one close to me
used drugs or alcohol or even smoked cigarettes. My
parents worked very hard and did their best to open
doors and give us opportunities to learn the things we
wanted to learn. Looking back, there isn’t anything I
would want to change.

As I got older and formed my own relationships with

the rest of my family, I began to learn things that would

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later majorly affect my life. When I was 16, a decision

was made out of my family’s control to sell the house
we lived in to have it torn down to build a drug store.
I fought hard against it, doing everything I could to
reverse the plans that had been made. But the show
went on and the place I called home for 16 years became
a parking lot.

I had major resentment towards the person that

gave the go ahead, who was a close family member. As
time went on, I grieved a major loss and had to find
ways to cope. Because my family did not understand
this event was traumatic for me at the time, most of my
coping skills were very unhealthy.

At age 19, I became involved in a relationship with

a man who was abusive. I remained in this relationship
for 5 years. It was only when I found the courage to end
the relationship and begin to sever ties that I began to
learn about codependency. I learned that the behavior
I was trying to justify was “learned behavior” and that
I had every opportunity for success if I worked hard to
reverse the cycle I was trapped in and form new habits
that worked for the success of MY life.

I learned that I was an addict and that addiction

was prevalent in my family. It was not an addiction
to substance but to each other. As mentioned in “The
Dysfunction Family” section, “A dysfunctional family
is often due to the addiction of one member, but often

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there can be multiple addicts. Addiction is not only

necessary to alcohol or drugs, either, because excess in
anything is an addiction, whether it is gambling, food,
sex, relationships or even work.”

The fact remains, I was codependent on the abusive

man I was with and some members of my family were
codependent on me. I was caught in the middle of a
very vicious cycle. My family greatly valued my safety
and went to extreme measures to try and protect me.
Just like a drug addict would do almost anything to get
closer to their “fix,” my family did extreme things to try
and keep me safe. It eventually became an addiction.
I was their “drug.” At the same time, I struggled with
an addiction to this toxic relationship. My family did
things that helped me but also enabled me to help him.
He was like my “drug.” This cycle repeated itself for 5
years.

When I became bold enough to try and escape this

situation, I was met with opposition from multiple
sides. I was told there wasn’t anything wrong with me. I
just needed to “stay busy” and keep my mind off things.
I was told that counseling was entirely unnecessary and
that if I needed help I could come to them. (‘Them’ being
the family members that were codependent on me.) So
I did. I allowed them to be my bank, my employer, my
attorneys, my therapists, etc. I fully began to depend of
them for EVERYTHING. I fell into yet another trap and
it got me nowhere. I met opposition every way I turned

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and was manipulated to follow the path they thought

was right for me. I had given up control and forgot how
to think for myself. In the back of my mind, I knew that
allowing this to continue was wrong.

So I took a stand and went through a lengthy

process that taught me that I was codependent in every
aspect of the word. I learned that my family dynamic
had major dysfunction that centers around control
and manipulation. I learned that I had to embrace this
dysfunction and accept it in order to move on and begin
to heal. I had to learned how to put other people I had
chosen to be a part of my life in their proper place and
set boundaries.

The hardest part of all was restructuring a relationship

with my grandparents who I allowed to become overly
involved in my life. You see, the dysfunction began with
them. They used manipulative controlling behavior as a
basis for all of their relationship but it stopped with me.

Three years later, I was able to form a fulfilling

appropriate relationship with them. We all worked
hard to put things in their rightful place. They are very
special to me and I am grateful we worked hard together
to conquer codependency.

Traits of the Codependent

While there are a great many definitions applied to codependency,
the consensus is that it is a treatable, although progressive, disorder.

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Determining whether a person is codependent or not isn’t a simple

test, but more of long term study. Here are some of the traits often
seen in codependents:

ƒƒ Confusion between love and pity; they love those they think
they can rescue or pity

ƒƒ Constantly attempting to do more than their share

ƒƒ Exaggerating their responsibility for what other people do

ƒƒ Difficulty with intimate relationships and moral boundaries

ƒƒ Lack of trust; both in themselves and other people

ƒƒ Fragile feelings that are hurt whenever their efforts aren’t

recognized

ƒƒ Dependence on at least one relationship, which they will do

almost anything conceivable to keep

ƒƒ Unhealthy need for recognition or approval

ƒƒ Needing to control others

ƒƒ Difficulty in making decisions

ƒƒ Feeling guilty for asserting themselves

ƒƒ Problems with communication

ƒƒ Consistent anger and/or difficulty expressing it

ƒƒ Inability to adjust to change

ƒƒ Fearful of being alone or abandoned

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ƒƒ Problems with understanding basic feelings

ƒƒ Low self-esteem

ƒƒ Obsession for someone else

ƒƒ The need to be a caretaker

ƒƒ Chronic lying and deception

ƒƒ Dependency on someone else for their own needs

ƒƒ Depression

ƒƒ Denial

ƒƒ Procrastination

ƒƒ Anxiety

ƒƒ Repression of personal needs

ƒƒ Perfectionism

ƒƒ Compulsive talking

ƒƒ Dependency on over-possessive relationships

A codependent is one who attempts to control others by

coerciveness, threats, manipulation, acting helpless, making them
feel guilty, or by giving advice. Some other codependency disorders
center on prestige, power, possessions, status, or control.

A typical trait is that no matter how hard they work, the

codependent is never happy whether their goals are met or not.
There is always a need to do something else or do more. An emptiness

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remains and an anxious feeling, no matter if great things are

accomplished or not.

Almost anyone reading the above list might see some of these
characteristics such as anxiety or procrastination in their own life,
and this is perfectly normal. Some of these traits in and of themselves
are a normal part of human existence. The parallels exist because our
society tends to supports and fosters codependency.

The Adult Child Syndrome

It is almost assured that codependency has its foundation back in
childhood. Emotional situations and traumas in the formative years
lead to many disorders that may not appear until much later.

Many times, the situations in early childhood are more horrific

to a child than the adult caretakers realize. If some action isn’t taken
at the time immediately after the trauma occurs to heal the problem,
the wounds left will cause trouble later.

Without solution, the wounds from the emotional upheaval

can affect the adoption of subconscious attitudes that follow into
adulthood. These attitudes may not allow the brain to fully reach
adult status. A person might try to act and look like an adult, but the
attitudes, in some ways, are those of a child.

This Adult Child Syndrome is typically a part of the codependent

personality. Much of the early study of codependency focused on
the families of alcoholics, and there were a great many children who
grew up in volatile situations which affected them on into their adult
years. Newer studies have shown that alcoholic families are not the
only places where codependents exist.

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During the course of my childhood and adolescence,

I experienced a multitude of events that would later be
the foundation on which my therapy would begin. At
age 9, my great grandmother died on my birthday and
my baby cousin was born stillborn. I was born with all
8 of my great grandparents and experienced all of their
deaths in some way from age 2 to 24. My house was
torn down at age 16 and my identity went with it.

Neither my family nor I realized the seriousness of

these events and how they would affect me in the future.
I met with many counselors searching for answers to
why I felt the way that I did and the collective conclusion
was that I dealt with a lot of unresolved trauma and
sort of ‘got stuck.’ Mentally I was stuck at age 16 when
physically I was 24. It made perfect sense. Most of the
people that I could relate well to were teenagers. I had no
desire to do adult things but could function in everyday
life and maintain a job. I was especially prevalent when I
ended the abusive relationship that began at age 19 and
lasted until age 24. I went through a period of rebellion.
I was finally free and decided to do all the things I was
forbidden to do. It was like my life stood still and when
it got moving again I was still 19.

I worked for several years to ‘catch up.’ It was mostly a

struggle to put things in their place and form appropriate
adult relationships with people. Codependency is still
a part of my life but a heightened sense of awareness

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and development of good habits have helped me work

through it.

The Inner Child

Psychologists have long held the concept of a childlike part of the
human psyche, which has been tagged with many different names.
The Inner Child is the most widely accepted, and it appeared on the
scene in the 1970s along with the clinical concept of codependency.

In the simplest form, it refers to those childhood experiences

that still affect the adult. This can also be used in reference to every
experience and emotion that has a place in a person’s memory.

While every person possesses these thoughts, the way that the
memories are processed and applied to life is the critical part of the
equation.

In the 1980s, the Adult Child movement as well as the Inner Child
healing platform grew, and the meaning of codependent expanded.
The Inner Child association with codependency is shown through
“people-pleasing” behavior, a term that gained popularity in the mid
1980s. By the end of the decade, codependents were viewed as people-
pleasers who set themselves up to be both rescuers and victims.

I grew up with parents who were grieving the loss

of a small child. I was just a child myself at the time
my little brother died. Shortly after, I had a new baby
brother and my family began moving frequently for my
father’s work. We moved four times in three years, and
I started new schools each time. It was a very stressful

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time for my family. I had become accustomed to having

parents that seemed to be mad at each other all the time.
They bickered constantly and I thought they were sure
to get divorced. My mom and I butted heads, and my
little brother just lived in his own little world and never
seemed to be in the trouble I was in for whatever I had
done to displease my mom at the moment.

I knew my mom hurt because she talked about

how she had grown up with an alcoholic father. She
talked about him being mean to her mom. I wondered
why grandma stayed all those years. I realize now how
insecure she was.

I eventually married and had my own family, and life

was good. But when my daughter turned 19 our world
was turned upside down when she got into a relationship
with a young man who was abusive. Of course no one
realized that at first, but it didn’t take long.

My thoughts were on my daughter 24/7. I would

imagine all kinds of terrible things happening to her,
and I was in a depressive state most of the time. I could
not concentrate long enough to watch a movie, did not
care if I saw my friends, and was afraid to travel even
for a day or two, afraid she might need me and I could
not respond if I was out of town. I cannot remember
the details of most of my life at that time. I felt like I
was just surviving and could not wait to get in bed at
night and sleep, which I did very well. I cried until the

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skin turned dark under my eyes, and wore sun glasses

because people were starting to ask what was wrong
with my eyes. I was consumed, and was not functioning
well in my professional relationships either.

I knew I was not coping well with the pain of our

situation, so I sought professional help. After producing
a time line of my life and a genogram, a tool that
displays the health of the relationships in the family of
origin, patterns of behavior surfaced. There were many
strained relationships and premature deaths. There was
substance abuse. There were patterns of codependency.
It was amazing what I learned about my family and
myself.

I learned that I had been taught some habits of

codependent behavior by a codependent mother.
I learned that some painful life circumstances had
influenced my parents to believe that bad things happen
to people, and they often happen to our family. They,
in turn, had taught me to think like them, to think of
the worst possible outcome for any circumstance that
came into our lives, immediately, and to live in a state
of anxiety anticipating that the worst would happen. I
often fought with my mom, but I learned that my own
anxiety and inability to cope was still influenced by her
to some degree. I, basically, had never developed a good
set of healthy coping skills. I was becoming consumed
with my daughter’s situation. I had imagined all the

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most horrible outcomes I could, and felt helpless to

care for the rest of my family and the responsibilities
at hand. I had lived most of my life in a state of anxiety
and now life had become completely unmanageable. I
was slipping into a pattern of codependency.

I was given techniques and tools to begin to learn

healthy thought processes. The good news is that you
can “unlearn” learned behavior. The counselor worked
with me to learn and practice healthy coping skills and
how to set healthy boundaries between me and other
people, which has greatly reduced my anxiety. It’s
been hard work but completely worth it. My life and
response to the circumstances of life are so much more
satisfying. I have lived through the circumstances I had
thought would undo me completely. I have also watched
my daughter address her issue of codependency and
receive help for herself for this destructive pattern of
behavior. She is no longer in the abusive relationship,
and my relationship with her has been restored. I have
also been able to move beyond the guilt of wondering
what I might have taught her that affected her behavior
in a negative way. I love my family, but I realize now
how much the family of origin influences behavior. I am
thankful there has been a break in unhealthy patterns
of behavior, and that our healthier relational habits will
have good influence on future generations.

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The True Conception of Codependency

Interestingly, over time it became quite clear that the codependent
personality was not sick because of the association with the alcoholic
or substance abuser. Instead, the codependent was only attracted to
the addict because of the codependent’s own disease.

In this light, codependency was defined as a “passive behavioral

defense system.” The alcoholic or drug addict, the aggressive side of
the equation, is considered to be counter-dependent.

Codependency in its broadest terms exists all around us and

often in us, and some say our society as a whole has become more
dysfunctional, increasing codependent. Changing any type of
unhealthy behavior requires understanding it first and treating it
second. When the effects of codependency hit close to home, we all
must learn to address the situation.

This chapter was designed to help you understand the history

and full definition of the term “codependency”. As you’ve probably
noted, the term is strongly related to addiction, and the two are often
found nearby each other. Therefore, let’s take an in-depth look at
addiction itself. By doing this we can begin to understand the nature
of codependency to a greater degree, and start laying the foundation
for breaking the habit.

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The Relationship between

Codependency and Addiction

T hroughout history, men and women have struggled to determine

what addiction really is. The clergy, judges, physicians, addicts,
and everyone else associated with other people’s addictions have
attempted to quantify and understand how and why they exist. If
you ask five of your friends what they believe addiction to be, you will
probably get five different answers.

Common definitions from the layperson often shape the public’s

conception of many topics, and addiction is no exception. Dependency
is the chief underlying word that explains addiction, but it can be
psychological or physiological. A person’s summation of addiction is
based on that person’s own feelings of morality, acceptable behavior,
and personal addictive nature.

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Defining addiction is important for purposes of avoiding it or

helping others to overcome it, because we must understand it in order
to make the right decisions when we are confronted with addiction.

Changing Attitudes about Substance Dependency

Addiction
Even though Alcoholics Anonymous defined addiction as a disease
back in 1935, there was little money put forth by the U.S. government
for research until President Richard Nixon’s Special Action Office
for Drug Abuse Prevention (SAODAP) was created, over thirty years
later. Public opinion of addiction was once that anyone who abused
alcohol or drugs was weak, self-centered, and hedonistic.

The reason why Nixon saw fit to take a stand was due to the
drug use explosion in the 1960s. This continued into the 1970s and
1980s. When Vietnam vets returned home addicted to drugs and the
middle to upper class began to see increases in use, the public began
to consider addiction as a disease and not a matter of choice.

In the 1980s, the winds of change again turned and accountability

became the watch dog. Rather than spending money for prevention,
it was the trend to put those tax dollars into law enforcement.
Fortunately, there is a greater amount of compassion towards addicts
today, so our definitions are more along the lines of what AA stated
in the mid 1930s for substance dependence.

*Note: Throughout the rest of this chapter and book, we will be

using some standard terminology to simplify our explanations. When
we refer to an “alcoholic”, this is an all-encompassing term for anyone
who is an addict, regardless of the substance or behavior he or she

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is addicted to. Likewise, when we refer to a “drug” or “fix”, it could

mean any type of substance or behavior the addict or “alcoholic” is
addicted to. So, mentioning that an addict or “alcoholic” tends to have
their “drug” or “fix” when specific triggering events occur, this could
be likened to a codependent person getting their “fix” from people-
pleasing, care-giving, or rescuing someone they are dependent on
when that person is in need.

Behavioral Addiction
Substance dependency garners the most interest when discussing
addiction, but that shouldn’t lessen the concern for addictions
concerning behavior. The person who has a gambling problem might
not be doing something illegal, but he can hurt his family because of
his addiction. In many cases it is just as embarrassing and harmful to
family members as a heroin addiction.

Basics of Addiction
An addicted person has little control over what they are taking,
using, or doing related to the addiction. The object of the addiction
becomes central in the life of the addict and they feel it is a necessary
part of their life every day. As most of you already know, addiction
causes harm to both the addicted person and others, especially
codependents.

While some people can use a substance and not become dependent
on it, many cannot. A person can habitually use a drug, entertain
affection for someone, or do countless other commonly addictive
activities without becoming addicted to them, but a habit can, and

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often does, lead to addiction. The difference between habit and

addiction is not difficult to understand. A habit is something that
can be turned off, discontinued, or left alone without any serious
harm to the one who practices it. However, addiction involves a
psychological/physical component that causes great distress when
the habitual practice is taken away.

In most cases of true addiction, there are serious problems that

develop at work, at school, at home, or in society. This is because
every addiction affects someone else in addition to the addict. The
only way that it would not be so is if an addict could live completely
isolated from the rest of the world.

What Causes Addiction?

There are many factors that relate to addiction, and often they are
not fully understood. Generally, there are combinations of emotional,
circumstantial, physical, and mental conditions that constitute the
basis for addiction. At what point something goes from a habit to
an addiction varies from person to person and based on what the
addictive substance or psychological dependence might be.

Babies are born with an addiction because their mothers were

addicts during pregnancy or even before. In some cases this leaves
the baby susceptible to the development of an addiction many years
after birth, even if the child has no contact with the drug the mother
was addicted to. This lends credibility to the theory that other types
of addictions can be carried from mother (or father) to their children.

Addiction is often characterized as a purely physical and biological

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disease, but that is not a consensus. While regular use of drugs can
induce compulsive behavior, addicts still maintain some control over
their behavior. Doctors point out this indicates that the addiction
never gets complete control of the addict’s mind, and it does not stop
the decision-making ability.

While cigarette smokers become addicted to nicotine, one of

the most addictive of drugs, they can stop smoking if they have the
willpower to do so. Even though there are chemical alterations in the
brain from drug use, these are reversible in many cases.

In the same way, behavioral addictions such as codependency are

absolutely reversible, no matter how long the codependent may have
practiced his or her addiction. At the core, all addicts can have success
by changing their habits around triggering events, something we’ll
discuss in detail later on.

Dependency and Tolerance

Those who have an addictive nature towards a “drug” soon
become dependent on it, and that leads to tolerance. Increased
tolerance means the addict requires more of the drug in order to feel
the same level of satisfaction. The addict begins to take more of the
drug because the desired feeling wanes if quantity isn’t increased. At
the same time, the ability to stop taking the drug decreases with the
increased usage, making it almost impossible to break the cycle until
they “hit bottom”.

Again, addiction can follow a similar course with dependency for

anything; it doesn’t have to be addictive drugs or alcohol. An unnatural
affection for another person can become such a dependency that the

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addict cannot bear to be away from that person.

In the case of a codependent, their friends and acquaintances

will eventually become accustomed to the fact that the codependent
will fulfill requests regularly, without taking payment or expecting
anything in return. This can lead to increased requests from others
who begin to take advantage of the favors. Sometimes these favors
start small, such as asking for a ride to buy cigarettes. But over time
a codependent may begin to tolerate more dangerous situations
which put them in harm’s way, in order to continue feeling accepted,
needed, or wanted by these “friends”. In this way, a codependent can
increase his or her tolerance to the “drug”.

Recognizing Addiction
Although outward symptoms may not always be the same, several
telltale signs are indicative of substance abuse. The most pronounced
usually center around withdrawal symptoms. Once the levels of an
addictive substance drop to a certain level, there are both physical
and mental changes that take place. Mood swings fluctuate between
anger, resentment, bitterness, depression, and frustration. Some
physical changes that can be expected are increased or decreased
appetite, and insomnia.

Just as substance addicts experience emotional distress when

beginning a withdrawal process, a codependent also rides an emotional
rollercoaster when beginning to acknowledge his addiction. Both
parties may experience similar withdrawal symptoms because both are
stopping the use of their drug or behavior. However, chemical addicts
will typically experience increased physical withdrawal symptoms,

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while codependents symptoms tend to be more emotional.

An addict may give up social or recreational activities because

they interfere with use of substances, and it is a high priority that
the addictive substance is kept in good supply even if necessary items
for the family and home are not. Procuring drugs may lead the addict
to take risks, as in stealing to get money to buy them.

The same happens with a codependent, the addict may refrain

from activities from friends and family so as not to upset the other
person who may want to participate. They forego what may make
them happy in order to keep the other person happy.

Romantic relationships often are compromised whether both

parties use drugs together or not. Trouble with law enforcement
is a common occurrence and financial difficulties usually follow
addiction.

It is not a very pretty picture that addiction paints, but the addict
almost always insists that they do not have a dependency problem.

As mentioned in the first chapter, a few

characteristics of codependency are having difficulty
with intimate relationships and moral boundaries, an
unhealthy need for recognition or approval and fear of
being alone or abandoned.

Add this to an already toxic or even abusive

relationship and you have a recipe for disaster. As a
codependent myself, I did not always attract the best
crowd, but at the time I didn’t know any better. I was

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always out to rescue someone and be there for people in

need. So when I met a cute guy that was interested in
me I became excited. It took a while to realize that he
was an addict because he hid it very well.

As time passed, I starting noticing patterns and

putting things together and what I discovered was a
horrific addiction to drugs. I finally realized that I was
the one he depended on for money, rides, practically
everything to be able to use his drugs while I took no
part. I was totally naïve. The worst part was that in
order to keep his attention, I actually asked to use the
drugs with him. Fuel had been added to an already raging
fire. I began to think of things I could do to get money.
This of course led to stealing, lying and deception. We
became a criminal team. We stole from family, friends,
employers, you name it and it was thrilling for a while.
I bounced around quite a few jobs taking what I needed
as I passed through. It was only a matter of time before
we would get caught and when we did it wasn’t pretty.

I was caught red handed on video tape stealing

money from a cash register at my job. The money went
right into his hand as he stood in my line threatening
me. After he left the store, I was questioned by police.
I was terrified and tried to lie to save him, not even
thinking of myself. He had threatened my life if I didn’t
give him the money. The cops saw right through me and
I broke down for the first time in 3 years and told them
the whole truth about everything I had been through.

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They charged us both with the same charges but

somehow he walked away with nothing. I found out
later that he was snitching on other criminals in town to
keep himself out of trouble with the police. His charges
were dropped and I took the wrap. I still had to own
up to the mistakes I had made. During my sentencing,
the judge kindly reminded me that my charges carried
a maximum of 20 years in jail and $40,000.00 in fines.
He also realized that being a criminal was not a natural
part of my character. So I got probation and had to
pay restitution. I learned my lesson that day and was
advised by police to stay away from him because they
didn’t want to see me get hurt again.

I did my best to obey and at that point began

formulating a plan for how to end the relationship
for good. Fear kept leading me back. We had many
failed attempts at continuing the relationship but his
addiction took over. The relationship that remained
had no romance, no love or even friendship. We were
totally addicted to each other. As a codependent, I got
my “fix” by helping him get his “fix”.

Give and Take - the Basic Model of Codependency

and Addiction
In a very simplistic ideology, the world is filled with two types of
people; the givers and the takers. In our lives we see many people who
can be designated as one or the other. Codependents are the epitome
of givers because that is their basic modus operandi, and they become

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attached to addicts because of the need that exists there for support.

Is it possible for one to exist without the other? Possibly, but it is

not likely. Dependency always leads to a need for assistance in some
manner.

If you look up “giver” in the dictionary there’s

probably a picture of me. I’m really good at giving
and the natural compliment to a giver is a taker. Life
naturally follows a give and take king of process but
during codependent relationships this process becomes
extreme, misconstrued and often full of hurt. Extreme
giving is like a strategy to continue the connection
between addicts because a solid fear of rejection is
almost always present.

In the beginning of my abusive relationship things

seemed normal. I gave, he gave, I took, and he took.
During the progression, though, I started to run out of
stuff to give. I filled in all the gaps in his life and took
care of his needs fully without even realizing that I had
forgotten to take care of myself. I unknowingly took on
the role of making sure things ran smoothly to avoid
angering him. I eventually began to take things that
did not belong to me and give them to him to salvage
the connection. He in turn took that stuff that wasn’t
his either but gave nothing in return. Thus evolved a
vicious “take-take” relationship. It kept the mangled
peace that was our relationship.

When there was literally nothing left in me for

anyone, the time for change popped up. I had practiced

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sort of weaning myself from him gradually because my

attempts at “quitting him cold turkey” were extremely
unsuccessful and ended up in abuse. The process was
slow and extremely painful. I gradually did less and less
for him and began to detach in different ways. I figured
the less I had to give, the less he would “need” me which
wasn’t always the case. I began to do the right things
and make it difficult for him to get what he needed from
me. He just hurt me more. When it came time to sever
this relationship it wasn’t at all peaceful. In fact, I had
to rip myself off him like a band aid and just run with
what I had. I had given him chance after chance to stop
taking and give something back for a change. From
this experience, thought, I learned what acceptable and
healthy forms of giving and taking are and how people
in healthy relationships use them.

Codependents have difficulty taking whether it is a

gift or a compliment. Taking puts us out of our comfort
zone but is a valuable skill when building healthy
relationships. Dissolving the extreme give and take
relationships will take time and effort because we have
to essentially grieve a loss.

The chart helps to illustrate the addiction cycle. We have provided

a detailed explanation of each step and how it can relate specifically
to codependency:

The Cycle of Addiction

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It is an incredible phenomenon that all addicts follow a cycle

almost exclusively, which has to be broken, if they are ever to master
their dependency. The steps follow a mental progression that is very
simplistic in form, but not so easy to change.

* Emotional Trigger

Every addiction has a stimulus that creates a seed of thought.

Someone who abuses alcohol or drugs may be stimulated by any
number of things, because the desire is there before the trigger
takes place. The emotional trigger is often a negative (or perceived
negative) event, but there are also triggers from good events.

The triggers become evident to a codependent addict when the

cycle is acknowledged and broken down. Triggers for substance
dependent people as well as codependent people may be very similar.
For example, a smell can do the same thing for a drug addict as it can
for a codependent addict.

The stimulus to imbibe can be as simple as getting paid and having

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money to buy a drink or receiving harsh words from a coworker or

boss and “needing” a drink to get over the abused feeling.

Overhearing someone talking about needing money can also do

something to a codependent. The codependent can hear a need, and
that can begin a cycle of codependency.

A trigger often is not instigated by outside forces whatsoever. An

alcoholic can simply begin to feel self pity, triggering the thought of
how much better they will feel if they can get a drink. A codependent
can offer an argument that drinking is not the solution, but many
times it is the reverse because of the need by the codependent to be
of service.

* Craving
After the seed thought occurs, it is easy to understand that the
natural succeeding step is to want to acquire the “drugs” or “fix”, and
this desire is often accompanied by some amount of resistance from
the codependent or the user himself, although it may not be much.

For a codependent the craving could entail an intense desire to

please someone or the drama that comes from minimizing a negative
event to cover up for an addict.

* Ritual
Procuring the drugs or alcohol is an important step in the cycle
because there can be hurdles to clear before making the transaction.
A known alcoholic might need to be clandestine when purchasing
liquor because they don’t want coworkers, their spouse, or their boss

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to know what they are doing. Of course, illegal drugs must be bought
without public display anyway.

A codependent’s part in the purchase of the drugs or alcohol may

be to look the other way or to take part in the transaction, perhaps to
provide money or a ride or a “safe place” to use drugs or alcohol for
the person they’re codependent on.

* Using
Once the acquisition is made, most addicts will not be deterred
from the use of the substance. The codependent might actually feel
relief because they have helped the addict feel better.

The codependent in some cases takes part in the use of the

substance to give it validity and to substantiate their place in the life
of the user.

* Guilt
Once the substance is used, the feelings of remorse soon follow.
Knowing that they shouldn’t have done what they did only comes
after the satisfaction of use. This guilt often serves as another
emotional trigger to begin the cycle all over again.

In our example earlier in this book regarding a codependent

forgoing family gatherings to be with an addict, there would typically
be guilt associated with missing the family, even though there was
a concurrent feeling of acceptance from the addict. And in many
cases, the “using” activities of a codependent person bring guilt since
these activities often displease another party that is meaningful to

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the codependent (i.e. family or friends), and may even put them in
danger.

Who is Dependent on Whom?

An interesting, true story sheds some light on how the
codependent relates with the addict.

Bill Wilson was a co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous and a

former alcoholic. When he had become sober for some time, he asked
his wife if she would go to an AA meeting with him on Sunday. To his
surprise, Lois said, “Damn your old meetings,” and tossed a shoe at
him.

This outbreak over something of such little importance made

Lois Wilson begin to analyze her own life. She remembered that she
had struggled so long to get Bill to stop drinking, but when the time
came that he did, she wasn’t happy. The incident with the shoe made
her understand something about codependency, as well as how it can
feed off the addiction of others.

She lost something of herself when her husband no longer needed

her aid with the drinking problem. This revelation led her to form Al-
Anon in 1951 for others just like her. Family members of alcoholics
began to come forth to speak about how they were affected by their
experiences. Just as Lois had been a codependent to her husband
while he was drinking, her organization was supportive of his after
his sobriety.

In some cases, it is difficult to understand whether the addict or

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the codependent is the one who suffers the most, or needs the most
help.

After my sister checked into a 14-day in-patient

rehab facility in Pennsylvania, it quickly became
apparent to the staff that her addiction was not to any
sort of drug or alcohol, but we learned for the first time
that she had codependent tendencies. For the previous
5 years, she had been in and out of a relationship with
the same abusive, drug-addicted man. My family’s heart
broke over and over again when she would show signs
of promise, realizing how terrible her situation was, but
then she’d fall back into the same patterns yet again.
She had all the right things to say to make us believe
she was done with her toxic way of life, that she really
wanted to change. She would run away from his house
in the middle of the night and call the police who would
bring her back to our house for a few days. I remember
my mother pleading with her night after night, trying
to make her understand that a much better life awaited
her if she would only stay away from this man. All of
us had similar words with her. She was very smart,
and intellectually she knew that her relationship was
extremely unhealthy, but at the same time she had this
overwhelming need to go back to this man and cater to
him. I remember one of the days when she was taking
a break from him, staying at our house. I woke up on

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a Saturday morning to her screaming at him on the

phone. My parents were not home, and I don’t think she
realized I was home either, so she was letting him have
it, unedited, no censorship. I couldn’t believe the vile
things coming out of her mouth; the non-stop cursing,
the name-calling, line after line of words intended
to be downright hurtful. This was clearly not a stable
relationship, and from this conversation I wondered why
anyone would ever care to be in a romantic relationship
with someone who could say these things to him or her.
And yet, a few days later, there she was, headed back to
be with him once again, and nothing my family could do
about it.

This went on and on until the rehab started. And

after that, she was deemed qualified to enter an 8-week
out-patient therapy group, which she attended diligently
and for the first time began putting in the hard work of
recovery. By this point I had moved to Chicago to start a
new job, and was far removed from my family’s everyday
life. However, we had been waiting for this moment for
endless years, and we were all prepared to do anything
it took to help her permanently change her way of life.
Through the outpatient therapy group, we learned of
Al-Anon, and my family began attending the meetings
regularly. “Al-Anon” is shortened version of Alcoholics
Anonymous, which it is affiliated with but not part of.
As their website says, “The Al-Anon Family Groups are
a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who

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share their experience, strength, and hope in order to

solve their common problems.” While I did not attend
any Al-Anon meetings myself in Chicago, my family
made a pact to meet every Sunday night by phone and
each share something that happened during the week
that lead us closer toward recovery. For months we held
this phone call without exception. During this time I
also wrote a few letters to my sister to help encourage
her to stay on the path. The longer she stayed out of
this relationship and focused on her recovery, the more
confident we became that she would pull through. I am
happy to say that she is now married to a great guy, and
they are expecting their second child. I’ll never forget
those dark times, but pulling through them together as
a family with hope and dedication makes the good times
even sweeter.

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 8 Chapter 3

Understanding the Grief Process

A thorough discussion of codependency could not be complete

without a few words about grief. Grief has its place here because
grief accompanies loss, and it’s entirely probable that a codependent
person will forfeit one or many unhealthy relationships along the
path to recovery.

There is a saying that “everyone grieves in his own way,” which

seems to imply that there is no reasonably standard way that people
grieve. While it is true that we face tough situations differently, there
are some feelings that almost everyone experiences. The depth of
those feelings, and how soon a person moves on in life, has a lot to
do with how serious, important, or life changing the situation is to
that individual.

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Even a person’s upbringing contributes to the way he or she

grieves. Some close knit families are so involved with one another
that a severe illness to a member brings much grief to everyone
else, and impending death causes intense grief to the whole family.
Families that are not as close might collectively grieve less in a
similar situation.

The reasons and triggers for grief are many, and the seriousness
of each situation in the mind of the individual has everything to
do with how he or she reacts. We can examine grief as it relates to
addiction, for both the addict and the codependent, and see parallels
to feelings of those who are terminally ill and the families that take
care of them. In fact, in a minute we’ll explore the 5 stages of Grief
and briefly how they may apply to a codependent person.

Why We Grieve
The single reason that we grieve is because we experience loss or
expect to experience a loss. How much the object or person that is lost
means to us is the gauge for measuring our grief. Losing a ballgame
to our biggest rival might cause grief, but not to the same level of
suffering that occurs with the loss of a meaningful relationship or
death of a family member. For a codependent, we’re typically dealing
with the loss of a relationship, albeit an unhealthy one. Although
it is a huge positive to break an unhealthy relationship, or at least
set significant boundaries if it cannot completely be broken, the
codependent usually feels a huge sense of loss and therefore resulting
grief he or she must be prepared to work through.

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How We Grieve
Psychiatrists have attempted to qualify grief as either “normal”
or “pathological,” based on the reactions of the griever. This may
have some relevance in certain circles, but it is extremely difficult
to say what is normal when it comes to grief. One of the expected
outpourings of grief SHOULD BE the unexpected. Instead of placing
a label on the type of grief a person has, it is important to note
whether a person does anything legally or morally wrong due to
the grief. Within bounds, grief cannot be deemed uncontrolled or
unreasonable.

One person’s grief may be very outwardly animated, while another

might show hardly any major variation from their usual behavior.
Who is to say which one of the two experiences the most grief?

You may have heard the saying, “When you laugh, the world laughs
with you, but when you cry, you cry alone.” Grieving is an extremely
personal thing that no one else can experience for you. You may find
support from friends, family members, or counselors who are also
affected by your pain, but no one else can experience your intense
hurt and lift it from you. Grief can’t be given a time limit in which it
must be completed, nor can it be dictated to us. We cannot plan how
we are going to grieve because it is an emotion with limited control.

I was in a relationship that from the outside seemed

very healthy, and frankly it seemed healthy from the
inside too. My girlfriend and I got engaged after two
years of a committed relationship. About half of our
time together was spent living in different cities, which

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in my opinion had been a testament to how strong and

devoted our relationship was. After getting approval
from both of our companies to relocate to a new place
where we could finally be together and start our life as a
couple, we were giddy with excitement. We got engaged
the week before we moved in together, and for the next
seven months there was a broad spectrum of emotions;
excitement, disappointment, fun, frustration, laughter,
confusion. After seven months, out of the blue, she
left unexpectedly for four days, then came back home
and told me she couldn’t marry me. To add to the
devastation and heartbreak, soon after, I learned that
she had started seeing someone else while we were still
together. I never thought I could be fooled like this. The
girl that I chose to marry left me with no warning to be
with someone else.

The grief that followed this incident was tremendous.

I went through all the stages of grief. I went back home
for a few weeks to be near friends and family. I felt
completely out of control. I ranted and raved to my family
about the injustice that had occurred. I told everyone all
the details I knew about the situation. I felt righteously
angry at her and the new person she was with, who had
left a marriage to be with her. How can two people do
such a thing? How deceitful, underhanded, and selfish
can two people be I thought to myself? To make matters
worse, throughout this time I was continuing to learn

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new details about their relationship, which continually

ripped off the band-aid of healing that I needed so badly.

I sought validation from her, wanting some sort of

reassurance that she did love and care about me, that
she was sorry, and that it had nothing to do with me.
What I got was a cold shoulder and minimal comfort.
What I didn’t realize at the time was that she was in no
position to give me the validation I wanted; it was not
in her interest, nor did she likely want to do so, and this
could have been for a multitude of reasons which I tried
not to assume I could figure out.

After 5 or 6 weeks I was done bargaining, and after

a couple months and rivers of tears I had fully accepted
my situation and came to the realization that this had
nothing to do with me or my own value. The beauty of
my realization was that although it was natural for me
to WANT her validation, I did not NEED it in order to
continue having self-esteem. Yes, during 2 ½ years of
close intimacy, I grew attached to her and valued her
opinion greatly, but my self-worth did not and should
not come from her opinion of me or the words she spoke.
My value comes from elsewhere, but by misplacing it in
the wrong hands I caused myself a great deal of extra
unnecessary pain and grief.

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Establishing the Grief Model

Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross was born in Zurich, Switzerland in
1926. After she received her degree, she studied the cases of many
terminally ill patients and felt that doctors in general were not caring
enough about them. After spending many hours with patients and
family, she published the historically famous “On Death and Dying,”
in 1969. In its pages she surmised what she called the “stages of grief.”

This has been used since that time in its original and similar
forms to indicate how grief affects everyone. The stages of grief are
not meant to be an exact blueprint of how everyone grieves, but
they are most helpful when viewed as a simple indicator of what
to expect. The stages serve a purpose in the lives of many grieving
people whether the grief involves terminal illness, untimely death, or
a codependent/dependent failed relationship.

While some readers might tie the grief cycle to only the terminally
ill, it is really a model for grief in general, including separation in
an addict/codependent situation. Loss that is painful causes grief,
whether it is a death or the loss of a relationship for other reasons.

To expand on that thought, the loss of ANYTHING

causes grief to some extent. During my inpatient rehab
treatment I learned a lot about grief and why it was
important in order to move on. Our counselors had us
do an activity where we wrote a letter to our addiction.
Most people wrote to a drug or drink and I wrote to a
person. We had to spill our guts and tell the addiction
exactly how we felt about it. The point was to feel the

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emotion associated with making the decision to leave

the addiction behind for what it had done to our lives.
We had to read our letters out loud to each other and
then burn them.

At first it didn’t make sense to me because I was not

an “addict” in my eyes. I didn’t have a drug problem but
it was evident to my counselors that codependency was
my problem. The foundation of treatment for a drug
addict and a codependent is the same. It is learning
what events in your life have caused you grief and
allowing yourself to begin to grieve. Typically you think
of experiencing grief when someone dies. The reality is,
grief is usually what holds people back from moving on.
Once the process begins, progress can be made.

I learned that I had to grieve some traumatic events

from my childhood that I was stuck on. I had to grieve
the loss of my best friend from high school and most
importantly, the toxic abusive relationship that almost
stole my life.

The Five Stages of Grief

The original model by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross has been altered
somewhat by many learned professionals, but the basic five stages
are indicative of how most people react.

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* Shock and Denial

Many of the triggers of grief come unexpectedly, and that is why
shock is included with denial as the first stage. Some people may only
experience the shock, go through another stage, and then begin the
denial. Because loss can mean forever, most people do not want to
accept it when they are first informed.

A breakup in a relationship can be devastating to a person who

has devoted much effort into maintaining it, even if the relationship
was unhealthy or toxic. If the other party says the split is permanent,
hope remains of reuniting for the length of the denial process.

* Anger
A great loss seems unfair to most people. Questioning why
something takes place leads to anger about the loss and this emotion

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can be expressed in many ways. Anger does not always choose its
direction well, so anyone close to the person in grief can become the
object of its fury.

The anger cycle also entertains shame, embarrassment, anxiety,

and frustration. Each of these emotions can be the dominant one
during this stage of grief.

In the midst of the initial shock and denial, a codependent may

frequently have feelings of anger when trying to understand the
reasons behind the break-up. Likewise, if the codependent ended the
relationship, there may still be inward feelings of anger for allowing
the toxic relationship to continue for so long. Either way, way anger
is an extremely common emotion present near the beginning of the
grief process.

* Dialogue and Bargaining

The dialogue stage that comes before acceptance is often a quest
to understand why this loss has happened, and often times it involves
reaching out to friends, family members, and/or associates for their
thoughts on why the situation for the grief took place, and why it
targeted them specifically.

Whenever we are faced with a conclusion we don’t want to accept,

our reasoning tells us that there must be some negotiations we can
make. Those who believe in a Higher Being may pray that the expected
situation will not occur, or that it will be delayed.

In the breakup of a relationship, the bargaining is usually done

in two ways; to attempt to persuade the other person to change his

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or her mind and continue the relationship, or to arrange a friendship

status so that contact will not be completely lost. This often is how a
codependent will try to salvage a connection with an addict.

* Depression and Detachment

Generally, depression comes after everything a person feels they
can do has been attempted and the situation has not changed. In the
case of terminal illness especially, the depression stage can be the
longest one. Once a person realizes they are powerless to do anything
to affect a change to the outcome, there is a period of groping for
something to hold onto.

In extreme depression, a person removes himself from contact

physically (when possible) and emotionally. There is little desire to
speak to anyone or even answer questions because the depression
offers no hope. In other words, a feeling of “emotional numbness”
may occur during this phase.

Once the codependent realizes that their attempts fall short of

their desires during a separation or break-up, a period of depression
and detachment occurs. This can be an “on the fence” phase. In some
cases, depression and detachment can force the codependent into
acceptance because they are at their rock bottom and completely
ready to move on. On the other hand, this phase could throw the
codependent back into the grief cycle, where they may experience
denial, anger, and bargaining all over again.

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* Acceptance
Although it might be said that some people never accept their
situation, it stands to reason that if something is inevitable,
acceptance has to come at some point. Acceptance must occur before
the cycle of grief can be complete. Again, there is no time limit on
when acceptance can or must occur. Accepting the facts does not
mean that the griever simply comes to a realization, there is often
more that must be done for acceptance and closure. Completion of
any unfinished business and patching up broken relationships may
be necessary in order to practically demonstrate acceptance.

For a codependent person, acceptance may take many forms. For

example, severing ties with mutual toxic friendships, reconnecting
with neglected friends and family, moving to a new place, or finding a
new job can be a step in the right direction. In other words, completely
removing yourself from key reminders of your toxic relationship can
go a long way in adding to your acceptance of the situation. Your plan
doesn’t have to be perfect, just doable.

The five steps occur between the normal life and the return to
meaningful life. Some number the steps, but that would indicate that
everyone follows the same path. In practice, a person may become
depressed first and then go into denial. Someone else might have a
very brief denial stage, only touch on the middle three stages, and
accept fate. There is no wrong way to grieve as long as we are working
our way towards true acceptance of reality.

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Grief, Codependency, and Addiction

Studies of mental disorders are never complete because of the
complexity of the human mind. While there is no defining line to
prove its validity, a majority of researchers believe that the loss of
something is behind all cases of codependency. When you understand
the many facets of codependency, it is logical that grief could be a
primary reason for it to surface in a person.

As studies have indicated, codependents are typically from

dysfunctional families. The dysfunction comes from something
within the family unit that members are not proud of, and it causes
grief in some form. An alcoholic father might cause grief for a child
because the home situation makes it difficult to bring friends over,
or a romantic relationship is doomed because of the father’s habitual
drinking.

There are many scenarios that can lead to a sense of loss and
ensuing grief when the family has a skeleton in the closet. Many
children do not have any enjoyment in life before they leave home
because of a dysfunctional environment.

The next connection is codependency and dependency. It is

believed that every addict began as a codependent; this is why so
many dysfunctional family members go into unions that produce
other dysfunctional families, thus perpetuating a generational cycle.
Codependency and addiction are growing as a result of this ongoing
cycle.

In some cases, the longer the cycle continues, the more difficult
it is to break. It all depends on how determined you have become

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to make a permanent change in your life. Let that determination

become the force that drives you to stay the course because along
the way, opposition will be faced. The people in your life that may
disagree with your decision making will try and stand in your way.
They want you to believe there is nothing wrong and you don’t need
any help. The reality is that objective, third party help is usually a
requirement to break the cycle and learn to understand and accept
that what you are experiencing is ok.

The codependent young adult will quickly latch onto someone

they consider to be dominant once outside of the family circle. Because
codependents are often poorly prepared for personal relationships,
they often choose or attract the wrong friends, lovers, and significant
others.

Cycles of Grief
A relationship between an addict and a codependent has mini-
cycles of grief. For the addict, grief is a catalyst to return to the
substance they are abusing. Once they have acquired it and used it,
there can only be a short time before they begin to grieve for the fix
once again.

The codependent, as a reactionary, rides a similar rollercoaster

along with the addict. A different grief waits depending on the events
that occur and how they affect the relationship. For instance, an addict
may subject themselves to physical dangers or risk confrontations
with law enforcement. This in turn can result in a separation or loss
that negatively impacts the relationship between the codependent
and the addict.

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Grief is a natural part of life. Codependents often refrain from

friendships because they don’t want the hurt that often comes as a
result, but that does not keep grief from coming to their door. Just
like any investment strategist will advise, diversifying your portfolio
helps spread risk and reduce the likelihood of major losses. In the
same way, codependents that rely on just a few others for emotional
stability often open themselves up to greater chance of grief if one of
those relationships becomes toxic or comes to an end.

If you suffer from symptoms of codependency and truly want

help, there is hope, but you must first accept that you have a problem.
You may have already been through the cycle of grief at least once, or
are still there. Don’t continue to fight your battles alone; help is there
for those willing to take it. The first step in some cases is realizing
that you need to experience grief in the first place. Then, and only
then, can the journey down the road of recovery begin.

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The Codependency
Recovery Process

A s soon as we accept that codependency is usually the beginning

of dependency itself, we must assume that our own actions and
reactions closely follow those of any addict. As such, we have to believe
that our tendencies are parallel to the person we are codependent on.
This is an important part of the recovery process because we will not
be able to move forward until we accept the facts.

If we don’t believe that codependency is an addiction, we won’t

place as much importance on recovery as we should. This will lead to
less fulfilling results and undermine our recovery. The only means to
the end we want is through total commitment based on the proper
understanding of ourselves.

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Accepting the facts is key in any situation where a

decision must be made. As previously stated, “ We will
not be able to move forward until we accept the facts.”
Practice being mindful of just the facts in your situation.
It can help simplify things when all the judgments are
removed. Don’t evaluate anything or label it “good,”
“bad,” “right,” or “wrong.” Take out the “should’s,”
“would’s,” and “could’s”. Acknowledge the pros and cons
but be careful not to judge them.

Taking out judgments will also assist in your ability

to make an informed decision. Think about trying to
figure out what you would like for dinner. You ask the
server what they recommend on the menu and why.
They respond, “Oh…I love our cheeseburger special.
It’s so good! You should totally try it!” Well what’s so
good about it? Had they responded, “I recommend our
cheeseburger special. It’s a quarter pound of angus beef
cooked how you like it, topped with melted cheddar
cheese and fresh lettuce, onion and tomato. We serve
it with our crisp hand cut French fries or your choice of
side.” You may be more likely to order the special based
on the factual description. Take out the judgment and
you’re just left with the facts.

Practice being honest with yourself and open-minded

when faced with challenges. Things may feel like they are
getting worse before they get better when dealing with
some new found emotions. It is through this honesty
and open mindedness that true progress is made.

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This advice is paramount if we are to ever actually begin recovery,

because recovery is not possible when we choose to see reality as we
want it to be rather than as it truly is.

AA’s 12 Steps
One widely accepted model for recovery from codependency is
based on “the 12 steps” of Alcoholics Anonymous.

The 12 steps have been used for every conceivable addiction over
the years from alcohol, to drugs, to other types of addictions. The
wording of AA’s steps has been altered from time to time, but the
essence is the same as when they were first published in 1939:

1. “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that

our lives had become unmanageable.”

Denial is very difficult to master in codependency, just as it is

with any addiction. Without taking the first step of admission, there
is no power in the universe that can help us become less codependent.
Think about it; if there is no problem, there is no solution. You cannot
convince yourself to do any better until you know that something
takes away your decision-making capabilities, leaving you unable to
manage yourself.

2. “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves

could restore us to sanity.”

Following admission of our codependency, we must assume faith

in a system, God, or the universe is the way to defeat our demons so
we can move forward in life.

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3. “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to

the care of God as we understood him.”

Just having faith is not complete commitment. We can have faith

that it will rain today, but that won’t make it happen. We must deliver
ourselves to the one thing that can make us better and help control
our codependency. If this is God or a system, so be it.

4. “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of

ourselves.”

When we are prepared to allow change in our lives, we must look

at ourselves with open eyes to ascertain what is good and bad about
us. Taking the time to write down every bad part of our character is a
good approach to being objective.

5. “Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human

being the exact nature of our wrongs.”

Public profession of our many shortcomings is a difficult

undertaking even after we admit to ourselves that we have a serious
problem. It is important to truthfully reveal every character flaw we
know about to another caring human being.

6. “Were entirely ready to have God remove all these

defects of character.”

The bad doesn’t go away just because we own up to it; we must

prepare our minds to begin to live without these characteristics.

7. “Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.”

Since we can’t do it ourselves, we HAVE to ask for that which our

faith supports to take away our faults, and then believe it will happen.

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8. “Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became

willing to make amends to them all.”

Can you remember every person you have hurt through your
codependency? It is highly unlikely that you will recall everyone, but
you should make the effort if you are to become absolved of your
actions.

9. “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible,

except when to do so would injure them or others.”

The truth is that many of the people we wrong do not want our
apologies and prefer never to deal with us again. We must attempt
to rectify where we can and have the good sense to know when our
efforts will only make matters worse.

10. “Continued to take personal inventory, and when we

were wrong, promptly admitted it.”

In some ways number 10 is the most important part of the 12

steps. Our codependency doesn’t magically end; it is our lifelong
process to combat it and keep it from returning. We can easily allow
it back inside us if we don’t stay vigilant and stop it whenever it tries
to take control again.

11. “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our

conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying
only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry
that out.

No matter who or what we follow, we must remain in close contact

with that entity, if we are to keep going in the right direction. Study
and forethought help maintain the proper path.

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12. “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of

these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and
to practice these principles in all our affairs.”

AA’s message was always one of repetition. Repeatedly doing the

right things keeps us from going back to the wrong ones. The group
is important to us because it uplifts us as we try to uplift others and
help them follow the same path that we attempt to travel.

In our efforts to overcome codependency, we can draw an analogy

from the 12 steps because we have to realize that we can’t just put it
behind us immediately. There are steps, plateaus, places in our lives
that we must reach before we get to a comfortable place. It is not
realistic to think that we won’t falter occasionally as we work toward
codependency recovery.

When beginning a recovery process, you may feel

overwhelmed when realizing all the things that are
necessary to happen to reach success. When I chose
recovery, I broke down emotionally every night just
trying to imagine myself living differently and giving up
my old life. I was extremely discouraged. It took me
a few good weeks to just listen and quit fighting the
people who were trying to help me. I didn’t want to
accept the fact that I was an addict and it was hard to let
my true self come out.

“Just for today” became my motto. I took baby

steps through everything and broke things down one at
a time. Not only did it curb my overwhelming feelings

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and discouragement, it began to help me feel confident

that I could do it. I learned how to set small daily
goals for myself for what I wanted to accomplish in my
recovery. The more goals I achieved, the better I started
to feel. I’ve learned that good days make good weeks,
good weeks make good months and good months make
good years.

Just remember to keep focused on the present

moment and on what’s in front of you. Progress is
what’s important, not perfection. Affirm yourself when
you’ve done your best. Interact with others in a way
that you feel confident and effective, not dependent or
helpless. Stand up for yourself when you know you’ve
done the right thing.

Before you know it, new habits will have been

formed and your life will be off in the direction you want
it to go. When those old people, places or things try and
drag you down, stay positive. Learn from what you feel
inside.

What to Do About Triggers

We know from past experience that certain triggers will cause
codependency to rear its ugly head once again, whenever we aren’t
on guard against it. Recognizing every trigger is especially helpful
in placing controls on our reactions to them. This is not as easy as
it may sound because there can be numerous events or feelings that
“press the wrong buttons.”

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To say that we just avoid the triggers is really not a solution. We

can’t live happily without contact with other people or never take
part in any activities. We have to adapt to our weaknesses in other
ways.

Rehearsing mentally how we want to react when something

triggers our codependency symptoms is a popular way to address the
situation. In practice, it is much harder to avoid our old tendencies
than it is when we rehearse in our minds. Still, this is a preparation
we must attempt.

Here are some techniques to “short-circuit” triggering events

when they occur. Use these skills when you’re in a real crisis that
cannot be resolved right away and you cannot afford to make worse:

Distress Tolerance
Distract Yourself – throw your mind off the problem by using:

Activities – Take a quick inventory of the problems you’re faced

with, and determine if there’s anything you can do right then
at that moment to alleviate the stress.

Thoughts – When you have intense emotion and you need to

keep yourself still, try distracting yourself by counting the tiles
on the ceiling, counting your teeth with your tongue, or seeing
how many different colors there are in the room.

Sensations – When there’s intense emotional pain or strong

urges try things like taking a hot shower, hold ice cubes in your
hands,

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Deliberate Breathing – Try focusing your entire attention

on your breathe, or breathe in and out with a word in mind
(for example, repeatedly breathe out while stating the word
“frustrated”, and breath in while stating “calm”.)

“Play the Tape Through” – A more bold approach to distraction

is to embrace the thought by seeing it through to completion.
Think to yourself, for example, “Remember the last time I did
this? What was the end result?” (I got hurt, I hurt someone
else, I regretted it deeply afterwards, I ended up in jail, etc.)

Soothe Your Senses – If you’re at home or in a more comfortable

place:

• Drink a warm cup of tea

• Draw a nice warm bath for yourself

• Light some aromatherapy candles

• Wrap up in a nice warm blanket and watch your

favorite show or movie

Each time that we can short-circuit our past reactions to a trigger,

we get stronger and better able to thwart the next occurrence. Even
an unsuccessful bid to stave off our codependent tendencies should
not be considered a defeat. Affirm that you did your best, and learn
from what did not work for you.

Now when you have the wherewithal to stay engaged and confront
your feelings and emotions, you’ll make even more productive strides
towards healing. Here are some quick tips we’ve picked up over time.

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Observe, Describe, Participate

Observe – Be alert to every thought, feeling, and reaction, not
denying yourself

Describe – Put words to your experience, but just the simple

facts (without judgments)

Participate – Let yourself get involved “in the moment”

Mindfulness
Mindfulness is a heightened state of awareness, NOT relaxation.
Being mindful is being open to everything whether you like it or
not, and allows better capability and problem solving. A great
way to practice mindfulness is through meditation, of which
there are many forms and techniques. Simple meditations are
a great start; anything that encourages you to focus your mind
on a single thing, your breath for example. Meditation can be
extremely difficult to a novice, but push through and you’ll
find incredible mental and emotional benefits.

Codependent Anonymous
The group is always stronger than the individual, and meetings
help sustain dedication to the cause. If you have a local AA chapter,
it will serve as a good substitute should there not be a Codependent
Anonymous in your area. Addictions have many similarities, no
matter what the dependency might be.

Codependent Anonymous has a meeting format which follows

the 12 steps of AA, only the program is tailored to codependency
addiction rather than alcohol. When attending, expect to experience

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a supportive environment that is both structured and open for

sharing. Anonymity is kept, and you will find access to additional
resources and materials for recovery, a group leader who is eager to
help, and even a personal sponsor who has personally been in your
shoes.

Another benefit that comes from group meetings is that you

may be helpful to someone who is having a more difficult time than
you are. This too helps to build up your confidence and strengthen
you when there are weak moments. As you listen to the stories and
personal experiences of others, you will inevitably find bits of wisdom
in their words. You can take with you what works, and leave behind
what doesn’t.

Meetings may serve to edify you about better ways to combat your
problems as you listen to what others do in their lives. Camaraderie
among codependents can be a key in how quickly each reaches a
resolution and gains control of codependency.

Recognizing the Codependency Recovery Process

Whether you are examining your own recovery from codependency
or that of someone else, it is sure to be outwardly visible. It is easier
to see it in another person as they gradually change, but if you keep a
mental history of yourself, you should know when you are improving.

To do this most effectively, keep a journal; it provides a carpet

of evidence about you when you go back to it over the weeks and
years. The journal will become like a mirror in which you can see how
far you’ve come and how much you’ve grown. If you continue to be

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pulled back into codependent patterns you will be able to see more
clearly how you’ve fooled yourself into repeating your own history,
and these insights may help you make new choices.

Don’t Say “Yes”

One of the most prominent symptoms of codependency is
the people-pleasing, “yes man” character. You may have become
so accustomed to it that you don’t even realize when you do it. In
recovery, you must fight the urge to always give in and do what
someone else expects of you. It is not a complete reversal because you
may be asked to do things you enjoy. You must learn to ask yourself,
“Is this something I really want to do?” whenever you are asked or
told to do something.

During in-patient rehab, one of my assignments was

to say “no” to anything that was asked of me by another
group member. The prime example was other people
asking me for cigarettes. I would always give them out,
and in turn was taken advantage of and then lied to. I
was “too nice” so I was told to say “no” to everyone’s
request for a cigarette. It was difficult because I didn’t
want to create any tension or make enemies, but after
doing it all day long it helped me build confidence which
was a weakness that I learn how to strengthen with a
simple “no”.

It may not be easy to break another person from being demanding,

if you have allowed them to dictate your life. After all, other people
lose a scapegoat when you improve.

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Subtle Changes in Your Life

As you begin to say “yes” less often, you may notice other changes
in yourself. Because you are more honest about what you do or do not
want to do, you will find it less necessary to pretend or be dishonest.
This is another character symptom of codependents. Many of the
untruths you have used in the past won’t be necessary if you do more
of the things you want to do and refuse to do those you don’t.

You may not realize it, but many of the feelings you experience
are based on codependency. If you want to get praise for something
you have done, this stems primarily from the fact that you want a
reward for doing all those things you didn’t want to do. The sudden
bouts of anger should begin to recede as you gain more control of
your life because you will become happier more frequently.

One part of recovery that may be difficult for you to deal with is
your personal friends. As with an alcoholic or drug addict, recovery
probably means alienating yourself from some of the people you’ve
become accustomed to spending time with. Those who used you
the most will not like the new you, and their constant dumping on
you won’t help your cause. Many relationships may become strained
and evolve to less frequent association. Your behavior will begin to
influence those around you.

While it may be sad to lose a friend, you must realize that there
is often little friendship left when neither of you needs the other
anymore. An alcoholic who only sees a certain person when they are
drinking together doesn’t need that person if drinking is no longer
an option.

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Confidence in yourself is one change you should welcome. Part of

the codependency recovery process is the realization that you don’t
have to have someone else’s approval to be successful or happy. Once
you come to terms with that fact, you will be more willing to devote
time to yourself and not be concerned whether someone needs you
or not.

Most assuredly you will change as you begin your recovery from
codependency, but the changes are for the better. Each victory you
have should only influence you to improve more, and as you get
better, you will begin to fulfill your life as you were intended to do.

You will learn to smile more sincerely and more often and you will
find more reasons to laugh. If you once felt you didn’t have enough
time to do the important things, suddenly you will have more time.

It’s progress, not perfection that should be the priority. Always

do the next right thing.

Recovery is a word that means different things

to different people. Ultimately it’s a time of healing
through personal reflection and intimacy. I have been
in recovery for about 7 years and can say without a
doubt that it’s worth the work.

I sometimes refer to myself as a textbook

codependent because when I chose recovery and the
people that helped me presented this information, fit it
to the tee. They wrote this stuff about me. The best part
was knowing that no matter how many people told me I
was a lost cause or couldn’t be helped, I found refuge in

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my recovery. It was the tunnel that led me to the light.

I began to embrace myself as I worked the program that
was in front of me. There’s not one magical cure for all
codependents or addicts. Don’t be discouraged if the
first thing you try doesn’t seem to fit. Take what helps
and leave the rest but don’t give up!

You are worth the work. You are worth everything

you want out of your life. The more you dump in, the
more you get out of it. Failure is not an option. It’s your
turn to be the taker instead of the giver all the time.
Wrap your arms around the way people love and value
YOU. Practice won’t make perfect but it WILL ensure
progress. We hope the information we have provided
to you will help start or enhance your recovery. It’s our
experience and we hope it’s valuable enough to help
light your tunnel.

Regardless of whether or not you have a religious or spiritual

background, we offer you a saying which we have found to have
tremendous wisdom. This is the same saying which is traditionally
spoken at the close of 12-step meetings. Take from it what works for
you, and leave behind what does not:

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the
difference.”

We wish you nothing but the best toward your ongoing recovery!

Jennifer S. Walker

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