Copyright © 2020 by Rockridge Press, Emeryville, California

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or

transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying,
recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Sections 107 or 108 of
the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without the prior written permission of the
Publisher. Requests to the Publisher for permission should be addressed to the
Permissions Department, Rockridge Press, 6005 Shellmound Street, Suite 175,
Emeryville, CA 94608.
Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: The Publisher and the author make no
representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the
contents of this work and specifically disclaim all warranties, including without
limitation warranties of fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or
extended by sales or promotional materials. The advice and strategies contained
herein may not be suitable for every situation. This work is sold with the understanding
that the Publisher is not engaged in rendering medical, legal, or other professional
advice or services. If professional assistance is required, the services of a competent
professional person should be sought. Neither the Publisher nor the author shall be
liable for damages arising herefrom. The fact that an individual, organization, or
website is referred to in this work as a citation and/or potential source of further
information does not mean that the author or the Publisher endorses the information
the individual, organization, or website may provide or recommendations they/it may
make. Further, readers should be aware that websites listed in this work may have
changed or disappeared between when this work was written and when it is read.
For general information on our other products and services or to obtain technical
support, please contact our Customer Care Department within the United States at
(866) 744-2665, or outside the United States at (510) 253-0500.
Rockridge Press publishes its books in a variety of electronic and print formats. Some
content that appears in print may not be available in electronic books, and vice versa.
TRADEMARKS: Rockridge Press and the Rockridge Press logo are trademarks or
registered trademarks of Callisto Media Inc. and/or its affiliates, in the United States
and other countries, and may not be used without written permission. All other
trademarks are the property of their respective owners. Rockridge Press is not
associated with any product or vendor mentioned in this book.
Interior and Cover Designer: Angie Chiu
Art Producer: Sara Feinstein
Editor: Marisa Hines
Production Editor: Matt Burnett
Illustrations © 2020 Remie Geoffroi.
Author photo courtesy of Johnathan Jones.
ISBN: Print 978-1-64739-098-3 | eBook 978-1-64739-099-0
R0
 THIS BOOK IS FOR MY MOTHER AND
FATHER. THANK YOU. FOR ALL OF IT.
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION

HOW TO USE THIS BOOK

ONE:

UNDERSTANDING THE BASICS

Driving Forces Behind Body Language
The Science of Body Language
Cultural Variations
Best Practices and Tips for Success
TWO:

WARMING UP
Start Out with Social Media
The Hidden Art to Politics
THREE:

PRACTICING ON FRIENDS AND FAMILY

How to Read Social Gatherings
Telltale Signs of a Disagreement
FOUR:

DECODING THE HIDDEN MESSAGES OF DATING

How to Read When Things Are Going Well
Check, Please! How to Know When Your Date Isn’t Going Well
FIVE:

TRANSLATING BODY LANGUAGE IN A JOB INTERVIEW

How to Know When a Job Interview Is Going Well
How to Know When a Job Interview Is Not Going Well
SIX:

MASTERING THE LANDSCAPE OF YOUR WORKPLACE

Getting a Sense for Workplace Personalities
How to Interpret a Client Pitch
How to Decipher What’s Really Being Said in Your Annual Review
How to Analyze the Company Meeting

CONCLUSION

RESOURCES

REFERENCES

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

INTRODUCTION

Understanding Body Language! Whether you’re

W ELCOME TO
just discovering nonverbal communication or you’re already
an armchair pro, you’re going to love this book. We’ll start with the
basics and go through everything you need to know to make better
decisions about the people and situations you deal with every day.
To give you a little background as to why I’m so passionate
about understanding human behavior, for the past 51 years I’ve
watched, listened, and studied what every person around me was
doing. As a little kid, I wondered why people would be enamored
with and drawn to one specific person, while those same people
would dread to be around, or even near, another person. Why
would my mom correctly have a “wary feeling” about someone who
turned out to be bad, before she even talked to them? How could my
father, a doctor, tell that a patient was lying to him just by watching
them answer his questions? I think I got a pretty good handle on all
of that, from the basics to the microscopic details. And since I
started so early, I found it easy to explain these complicated things I
was figuring out to others.
I’m going to share with you the same information I teach police
and military officers, doctors, nurses, mediators, CEOs,
entertainers, and entrepreneurs. Of course, some of the things that I
teach law enforcement and the military I can’t teach you, but I’ll
cover as much as I can without getting us both in trouble! One thing
to keep in mind as you make your way through this book is that
there are no “absolutes.” That means there are no nonverbal cues
that mean the same thing every time you see them. For example,
when someone’s arms are crossed, it doesn’t always mean they are
closed off, uninterested, or not listening. They may be cold or just be
more comfortable that way.
Finally, before we move forward into the next section in which
we map out how to use this book, I’ll leave you with one final
thought to keep in mind: There are thousands of scientific studies
that explain why people do what they do when presented with
certain information or situations. That means the body language
you see is telling you something. After reading this book, you’ll
know what that something is.
HOW TO USE THIS BOOK

in this book and you will

G O AHEAD AND TURN TO ANY PAGE
learn something. Feel free to! However, the best way to get the
most out of the information presented here is to start at the
beginning. I will begin slow and small, presenting you with the
basics and making sure that you miss nothing. As you learn to
recognize the essentials (such as the result of an emotion on
someone’s face, like deceit, anger, or confidence), you will be able to
make better decisions about that person, the situation, and how to
address and/or approach them.
You will be practicing what you’re learning at home. Sooner
than you think, you will naturally begin recognizing cues and tells
on the news, on social media, with your friends, and with your
family members. You will understand how the body language
you’re seeing is spoken by everyone you see. Use this as your
“warm-up.”
Part of that warm-up is being introduced to scenarios similar to
those you experience in real life every day. This book has been
divided into the various milestones you’ll reach. Right out of the
gate, we’ll focus on this warm-up period. That entails learning how
to observe people properly. People don’t live in a zoo, so you’ll learn
to pay attention to what they’re doing without drawing attention to
yourself. Next stop: practicing on friends and family. Before you
head out into the wild, you’re going to need some home-based
practice time. And who better to observe in their natural habitat
than your friends and family?
Our journey into the bowels of human behavior will continue as
we suit up for our deep dive into “the good stuff,” also known as
decoding the hidden messages of dating. Is your date going well or
is it headed for the dumpster? Are there key indicators that suggest
deceit when your friend claims to have had coffee with a movie star
this morning at Starbucks? What parts of the nonverbal breakdown
of your date are similar to the situation with your friend? Is it a
facial expression? Tone of voice? Something their shoulder did?
You will soon recognize how similar each interaction you have is to
all the others.
ONE:

UNDERSTANDING THE
BASICS

W HAT’S THE REASON for your decision to

learn about body language? Do you want to
spot lies on true-crime shows? Do you want to
understand the nonverbals of the dating scene a
little better? Maybe you want to know which
politician is actually telling the truth. Maybe
you’re an entrepreneur who has a pitch coming
up and you want to use every tool you can
possibly find to help you secure that investment.
Or maybe people just fascinate you and you
want to learn more about how and why they
behave the way they do. Whatever the reason,
this chapter is the place to begin.
First, we will talk about the most important
skill you’ll need to start sharpening and paying
close attention to: observation. Before you can
learn what to look for concerning nonverbal
behavior, you must know how to look for it.
After that, we’ll move on to the nuts and bolts of
facial expressions and body language cues so
you can begin building your style of observation.
As we go along, you will begin developing
your own style of decoding the body language
you’re observing. Some people are more
interested in microexpressions. Others are more
interested in the larger cues the rest of the body
displays. If you’re not sure exactly where your
interest lies, that’s fine, too. It’s not necessary to
have a preference.
Take a deep breath. Get that brain of yours
opened up. Let’s get started.
DRIVING FORCES BEHIND BODY LANGUAGE
For most people, the desire to recognize deception sparks their
initial interest in body language and nonverbal communication.
With that comes discovering books and blogs and YouTube videos.
Your brain becomes a sponge for everything “body language.”
As you begin exploring the nonverbal cues and indicators that
let you know someone may be lying to you, angry with you, feel
contempt towards you, or whatever the case may be, it is important
to understand human beings will act and react, from a limbic
standpoint, similarly in most situations. In other words, the limbic
system—that’s the part of the brain that engages your “fight-or-
flight” response—will make everyone react pretty much the same
way when stimulated. The limbic system does much more than
serve as an emergency response, but this is the function we will
focus our attention on the most.
When a situation arises stimulating the limbic system into
“Protect Mode,” sometimes the stimulus is large. For example, a
gunshot or someone jumping out of a closet and scaring you.
Sometimes the stimulus is small, such as someone asking you about
a secret you thought nobody else in the world knew but you.
In the first scenario, when the limbic system is triggered, your
brain takes over and immediately and unconsciously moves your
arms, hands, and legs into position to protect your heart, throat, and
stomach area. It opens your mouth up all the way, so you can
breathe quickly and deeply to take in as much oxygen as possible
for your muscles, in case you have to fight or run. Your brain also
opens your eyes as wide as they will go by raising your eyebrows
and lowering your cheeks, so they can take in all the information
they can possibly gather in the shortest amount of time concerning
the situation.
In the second scenario, your limbic system is triggered, but on a
lower level. Your brain isn’t under the impression you’re in
immediate danger, but someone telling you they know your secret
can instantly create a stress load that you weren’t prepared for. So,
you will most likely freeze for a moment. Your pupils will dilate
and you won’t take your eyes off of that person. You may not even
blink. You’ve been surprised, but not to the level of scenario one.
Keep in mind, there’s just as much going on in scenario two as in
scenario one; however, the average person doesn’t know what to
look for to catch these much smaller cues. Up to this point in your
life, you’ve seen them all. You just didn’t realize what they meant.
Another great example of “the small stuff” you don’t realize you
see every day was discovered in the late 1800s by French
neurologist, Guillaume-Benjamin-Amand Duchenne (also known
as Duchenne de Boulogne). Through his experiments in
electrophysiology, he discovered there were marked and blatant
differences in a real smile and a fake smile. The differences
included not only the wrinkles on the outside corners of the eyes
that are made during a genuine smile (sometimes called a
Duchenne Smile, in his honor), but also how they are wrinkled. The
same goes for the way the cheeks lift when smiling a real smile.
They aren’t pushed up by the mouth widening to create a smile;
they are pulled up by the brain’s reaction to the stimuli. Now that
you know this, you will notice it when you see the tiny wrinkles
created just under the eyes. When you begin searching for the
differences, you will see what Duchenne saw.
We can see small nonverbal cues, or microexpressions, in
people’s faces when they attempt to hide emotion. That’s because
the face will “leak” the expression of the specific emotion, despite
the person’s best efforts to suppress it. Just like the large and small
differences in the limbic system’s reactions to stimuli, there are
similar differences in the large and small reactions of the face when
they react to the stimuli of emotion.
(I know this is starting to sound all scientific and horrifically boring,
but I have to give you this side of it right at the beginning so you’ll have a
little background on where the information came from and who
discovered it. It’s what separates the novice from the professional when it
comes to observation. The boring part is almost over, I promise.)
Once you have absorbed the information in this book and you
begin to really observe human behavior for the first time, you will
begin to notice what professionals see as red flags and bells and
whistles when someone is being dishonest. You will see the cues
that differentiate the dishonest person from the person who is just
unsure of what they are saying.
The same goes for other emotions that we will cover. Each one
can be spotted in their full-blown displays when the person is not
trying to conceal them. They can also be seen in microexpression
form when there is an attempt to hide them and they leak out. It is
important to note that the human face has 43 muscles that control
facial expressions. (If you Google this, you’ll find there are 42
muscles. They’re not counting the tongue, but we’re going to.) These
43 muscles can create over 10,000 different facial expressions!
However, of the staggering number of expressions, only seven are
recognized as being “universal.” Universal expressions include
Anger, Joy, Sadness, Fear, Surprise, Contempt, and Disgust. They
are “universal” because, through research conducted in the late
1960s, Dr. Paul Ekman showed that every culture on Earth exhibits
the seven emotions through facial expressions when the correct
stimulus is applied, and they mean the same thing to everyone in
every culture. Since that time, Dr. Ekman has written 12 books and
has become a giant in the study and research of body language with
a focus on facial expressions.
Most of the time, Dr. Ekman gets the credit for discovering
microexpressions. The truth is, he popularized them, but they were
discovered in 1966 by Ernest Haggard and Kenneth Isaacs. They
referred to them as “micromomentary expressions.” They were
looking for cues of nonverbal communication between
psychotherapists and their patients by studying their sessions on
film in slow motion when they made their game-changing
discovery. We won’t spend much time in the world of
microexpressions, but it’s important for you to have the basic
concept under your belt so you can have a proper starting point.
DECEIT
Nonverbal cues of deception exist because the liar’s brain must do
three things to execute a lie:

1. STOP THE PERSON FROM TELLING THE TRUTH. When hearing the
question, the limbic system engages. The person decides to lie.
You may see their eyes widen slightly and their pupils dilate,
and they may take a deeper breath than usual.

2. CREATE THE LIE. They need time to think up a believable answer.

In some cases, the answer is already prepared. Either way,
they need time. So, they might begin the answer with “Well . .
.” or “Uhhh . . .”, or they may just look at you for a split second
too long before answering. You may notice them move back
ever so slightly.

3. DELIVER THE LIE. There may be a quick one-shoulder shrug or

both shoulders may shrug much too quickly. They may lightly
nod their head “yes” as they say “no,” or vice versa. You’re
probably under the impression they will break eye contact
when lying, but that is not likely. When lying, their brain will
want them to keep an eye on you to make sure you believe
them.

ANGER
With anger, the first thing you will notice is the person’s eyebrows.
They will lower and pull toward the center of the brow. Their upper
eyelids will be pulled downward as the area just under the eyes is
pulled upward. It’s a squint of sorts. You may see their teeth clinch
and notice the muscles in their jaws flexing every few seconds.
Their lips will stiffen and almost curl inward, sometimes
exposing their upper front teeth. Their nostrils will flare, and they
will take a deep breath as the limbic system prepares their muscles
by giving them more oxygen. Their face may flush for a moment,
but that will go away as more blood begins quickly heading toward
the muscles in case the person decides to take action.
In the not-so-obvious version of anger, you will notice a much
subtler response. The person’s nostrils will flare just slightly, while
their mouth will close and their lips will tighten. Their eyebrows
will come inward a bit and the squint will be much, much smaller
than the overt anger response. The person’s face may appear
flushed. Their breathing may get a bit deeper and stay that way for
a longer period of time. Also, as they try to keep the emotion
hidden, the volume of their voice may decrease.

HAPPINESS
The telltale signs of happiness are the most pleasant of all facial
expressions and behaviors. The person’s mouth smiles a wide and
real smile, the Duchenne Smile we discussed earlier. With their
eyes squinted just the right way to make those little wrinkles on the
sides, their cheeks will be pulled up and the dimples at the sides of
their mouth will widen and deepen. The volume and tone of their
voice may get higher as the person first begins to speak, especially
when a gift is involved or a surprise visit or an unexpected meeting
is occurring. They may also feel the need to express their happiness
with laughs and giddy behavior.
When observing someone who’s happy, be sure to pay attention
to those in the immediate vicinity. Their expressions will be similar
but just a bit subtler. The closer an outside person comes to that
group, the more similar their facial expressions will become to
those of that group. Their body language cues will also slowly begin
to mimic or mirror those in the group.

SUBMISSIVENESS
Submissiveness, anxiety, and lack of confidence can all be
displayed with very similar traits and cues. For example, you will
see plenty of “adaptors.” Adaptors are the small, repetitive
behaviors people use to help calm and relax themselves when stress
or tension starts to rise. Rubbing their hands together repeatedly or
massaging their arm, finger, leg, or neck can have a calming effect.
Deep, audible breaths accompany these behaviors.
The person’s eyebrows will pull together and push up at the
brow. Their posture will usually be bent forward slightly and their
shoulders will be drawn inward, depending on the level of anxiety
they are feeling. Their head will lean forward and down, and this is
sometimes accompanied by rocking back and forth.
Their blink rate will increase. Lack of confidence makes the
person want to go unnoticed, so they will unconsciously try to make
themselves look smaller. Their feet will tend to point inward when
anxious or submissive, and their hands will often be clasped and
squeezed between their knees or thighs when sitting. Once you’ve
focused on these behaviors, you’ll see them happen quite often out
in the wild.

DEPRESSION
Depression can show a wide variety of cues and tells. However,
there may also be no signs whatsoever that the person is
experiencing any problem. If signs are present, they may include
the person sitting still. Their head may be leaned forward and down
or sometimes leaned way back on lowered shoulders with a curved
posture. It will not be so much that the person is looking straight up,
but rather their head will appear cocked back just enough to rest on
their shoulders. Their blink rate will be slower, accompanied by a
gaze fixed on the floor or a random nearby object.
You will hear their speaking voice is at a much lower volume
and tone than usual. There is no lilt or “spark” when they speak or
describe something. The gait or pace of their walk will be short and
slow. Again, it’s important to note that, more often than not, the
subtle signs of depression go unnoticed. So, heads up if you think
you’ve spotted two or more of these nonverbal cues.

OPENNESS/CONFIDENCE
We’ve all seen the confident person. They have great posture; they
speak at a good volume—not too loud. They use their hands and
arms when they talk. These movements are called “illustrators.”
This person emphasizes specific words and/or phrases as they tell a
story or report information, uses open-handed gestures, and looks
you in the eye while they talk.
Cues of confidence can also be found in someone who is happy
and/or content with something. Quite often, they will be the first to
speak when seeing someone they know or think they know. They
will compliment and comment on things positively.
When they walk, they have a wide gait with purpose. This
person begins conversations with questions about you and provides
positive feedback on whatever you tell them. They use phrases like
“you and I” and include “we” and “us” in their conversations.

THE SCIENCE OF BODY LANGUAGE

Experts disagree about theories and science behind human
behavior just as much as they concur. However, all agree that
everything concerning human behavior is based on the
development of the brain.
Science tells us that millions of years ago, when our brains were
smaller, one of its most important functions was to keep us safe—
from the elements, animals, and every other dangerous situation
that early humans could stumble into back then. To make a very
long and horrifically boring story short, scientists identified five
types of stimuli that, when introduced to the body, trigger behavior:
KINESTHETIC, or touching or feeling the stimuli. For example, if
something is too hot or if it pinches your leg or brushes up against
you. This includes anything you touch or feel.

VISUAL, or observing the stimuli. For example, a bear running

toward you, someone pulling their fist back to hit you, and a car
swerving onto the sidewalk toward you. This includes anything you
see that can, or is about to, affect you.
AUDIO, or hearing the stimuli. For example, a tiger growling, a
shotgun being racked, screeching tires, or bees buzzing. This
includes anything you hear that gives you the impression it will, or
may, affect you.
OLFACTION, or smelling the stimuli. For example, smoke when
you’re in a place where there should be none, the odor of natural
gas when you walk into your home, or something foul, like dog
poop.
TASTE, mainly tasting the stimuli. For example, something sweet
versus something sour or bitter. Taste can be combined with
kinesthetic stimuli, as the intake may be smooth, crunchy, hot, cold,
and/or liquid.
When any of the stimuli under these five categories are
introduced, there will be a reaction from the brain. It may be mild
or it may be intense, but there will be a reaction. The degree of that
reaction depends on the situation the brain is presented with along
with the stimuli.
For example, if you’re absorbed in a book, reading quietly, and
your friend sneaks up behind you and grabs your head and
screams, your limbic system will trigger a full-blown reaction of
surprise. You will probably make a noise similar to someone being
shocked with a cattle prod. Your arms will come together to protect
your stomach, heart, and lungs as your brain pulls your shoulders
up and your head forward and down to attempt to protect your
neck. Your knees will come up quickly to protect your reproductive
organs. You can’t help but do this. You’re not in control of it. Your
brain—or more specifically, your limbic system—is reacting.
The same reaction will happen with anyone exposed to the same
or similar stimulus or scenario. This is the result of an inborn,
universal reaction. We’re all going to do it. It’s an “inborn” reaction
because we’re all born with a limbic system to protect us and it
makes us all react that way. (Again, there are a few exceptions, but
let’s continue keeping it simple.) And since every one of us will
react that way, it’s a “universal” reaction.
Let’s say something similar happens. You’re reading and you’re
deep in thought. However, this time you’re sitting on a bench under
a large tree. Hang on a second . . . You hear an odd noise. Then you
recognize that noise is a cracking sound. The sound is above you.
You realize it’s the sound of a tree limb cracking and you react.
Your brain has gone through a processing protocol and it said,
“Hey, I know that cracking sound means there’s a large tree limb
breaking. It’s above me and it might hit me. I’d better move right
now, so I don’t get killed!”
Your hands let go of the book as you push off the bench, and you
run as fast as you can away from the tree. You may even fall
forward to the ground as you turn to make sure you’ve escaped the
threat. This behavior is a combination of a learned reaction and a
limbic reaction. Logic tells your brain what is happening and to get
away from the tree. As you moved away, your limbic system once
again brought your shoulders up and your head forward and down
to protect your neck as your hands and arms came together and
forward to protect your stomach, heart, and lungs.
A baby would have no idea what was happening if it were in
that situation. It probably wouldn’t move at all. That’s because it
hadn’t learned the sequence of events that follow the sound of that
cracking limb. However, put the baby in the first scenario we talked
about, and it would react similarly to the way you did. Again, that’s
an inborn, universal reaction.
One of the greatest examples of the differences in inborn and
universal cues compared to the learned cues can be found when
learning about facial expressions. As Paul Ekman proved in his
research, there are seven universal facial expressions that have the
same meaning no matter what culture they are found in.
From Sweden to Turkey, Milan to Papua New Guinea, the
expressions of Anger, Joy, Sadness, Contempt, Fear, Surprise, and
Disgust convey the same meanings no matter who you’re talking to.
All other facial expressions, although they may have similar
meanings, indicate something different.
The ability to differentiate an inborn cue from a learned cue is
important because it lets us know what the person we’re talking to
or observing is really thinking and/or feeling. If we see an
inborn/universal cue when we are asking an important question,
we are seeing the true reaction of that person’s brain to the stimulus
of the question. If we see what we know is a learned cue, it doesn’t
mean they’re being dishonest; it means they are showing us the
reaction they want us to see.

CULTURAL VARIATIONS
As the Entrepreneur in Residence at the Nashville Entrepreneur
Center from 2011 to 2017, I taught new entrepreneurs and startups
how to create investable pitches to get funding for their ideas. The
body language and nonverbals I would train them to use were
paramount in winning trust and credibility with their investors. To
this day, every entrepreneur I’ve worked with and trained has been
funded—not just 10, 20, or 50 startups, but hundreds, from
Nashville to Silicon Valley and beyond. By teaching them the same
nonverbal cues you’re already learning in this book, I’ve helped
startups raise well over $400 million in funding.
While working with the Entrepreneur Center, I developed an
online course that was used by over 3,500 entrepreneurs around the
world that helped them create a pitch and use specific body
language to help get the funding they needed. Since the
entrepreneurs who took the online course were from so many
different countries, there had to be an explanation and breakdown
of the differences in the cultural and limbic body language issues
and cues they would see and use in different countries.
An example of these types of cultural variations occurred a few
years ago, when there was a startup from Silicon Valley that I
worked with. They had a great idea, focused on robotics and AI.
The CEO, Maria, was Bulgarian and the CFO, Yiannis, was Greek.
We worked together well as a team and eventually were successful
in obtaining the investment they were asking for. However, it did
not occur without a couple of major hiccups during our first
meeting.
At the first meeting, we met in an attorney’s office on the twelfth
floor of a high-rise in downtown Nashville. The attorney
representing them was a friend of mine and let me know a few
things about each of them ahead of time. One bit of information
shared was that the parties lived close to each other in San
Francisco and both had “significant others.” As I began my initial
“sweep” for deception using small talk and asking simple questions,
I was getting what I thought was a pretty good baseline on both of
them. Then I started asking questions I already knew the answers
to.
I asked Maria, “So, you two live in San Francisco, huh?” She
smiled and said, “Yes,” as she shook her head. “Yiannis has been
there longer than I have.” I immediately turned to Yiannis and
asked him, “Do you two live together?” He shook his head slightly
and said, “No. We live close to each other though. I live with my
girlfriend and Maria has a fiancé.” I turned to Maria and said,
“Yeah?” while nodding my head, and she said, “Yeah,” while
shaking her head.
At this point, I’ve got alarm bells going off telling me something
isn’t right here. She’s saying “No” and “Yes,” while her nonverbals
are telling me the exact opposite. His nonverbals all seem fine to
me. I’ve seen this before, though: A con running a game where the
partner has no idea they’re involved with anything questionable.
Keep in mind, I’ve dealt with more con artists than I can count,
and this was starting to give me that same old “this might be a con”
feeling I always get. The more yes or no questions I asked, the more
she answered “Yes” with her head nods and “No” with her words,
then “No” with her head shakes and “Yes” with her words. They
said they had known each other for almost seven years. Had they
met just in the last few months? Why all the incongruence with her
body language when answering these simple questions? Maybe
there’s a side relationship between them going on, or something
like that.
Then I asked Maria, “Did you use the stairs to get up here?”
Keep in mind we were in an office on the twelfth floor with a great
view of downtown Nashville. She laughed and said, “No, of course
not!” All the while, she nodded her head “Yes.” Then it hit me. In
Bulgaria, they shake their heads “No” for “Yes” and nod their heads
“Yes” for “No.” Dang it, I knew this! They do the same thing in
Albania. Most people are under the impression that the head nod
“Yes” has the same meaning all over the world. Though it does
mean the same thing in Africa, China, the Middle East, and
Western Europe, there are many places where it means the exact
opposite.
“Where are you from?” I asked Maria. “Bulgaria,” she replied.
Then I started laughing out loud. “Why is that so funny? Do you
have a problem with Bulgarians?” Yiannis asked. “Oh no!” I
laughed, “That’s not it at all, I promise, everything is fine.” As I said,
“Everything is fine,” I gave him a small but quick thumbs-up.
Before I could say, “I finally understand why her nonverbal
behavior wasn’t doing what I thought it should be doing,” Yiannis
stood, his nose crinkled, his lips pursed and turned inward, and his
brow furrowed. I knew this combination all too well. This guy was
going to take a swing at me. “Hang on! Hang on!” I yelled as I stood
up and put my hands up in front of me. “Hear me out!”
To make a long story short, I flipped him off. By using the
thumbs-up gesture, I accidentally shot him the Greek version of
“the bird.” This same rule goes for Sardinia and Iran. In West
Africa and some parts of South America, it translates to “Up yours!”
In Brazil, it means “Thank you.” That just goes to show you how
important it is to stay engaged when making decisions about
whether you are seeing limbic or cultural behavior in someone’s
reactions to situations or questions.
When you hear an Indian accent and ask that person a question,
and they answer while shaking their head from side to side, that is
the equivalent of the up and down shake that denotes “Yes” for
most everyone else.
In Greece, they signify “Yes” with a head tilt to the left and then
to the right. They signify “No” by tilting the head up and back. In
Yiannis’s case, he had lived in the United States since he was a
child and had no problems with the American version of “Yes.”
However, his family still used the thumbs-up gesture as one of
aggression.

BEST PRACTICES AND TIPS FOR SUCCESS

There is nothing I enjoy more than hanging out with another expert
in human behavior, and Greg Hartley is my favorite partner to hang
with. Greg is a former US Army interrogator, trainer, and body
language expert. He is also a successful author and one of the “Big
Guns” of the body language world. We’ve spent hours sitting in
restaurants watching people, deciding what’s happening with them,
and betting on what they’re going to do next.
The restaurant setting is one of the best places to begin your
journey observing human behavior. That’s because you see so many
different people from so many different walks of life and they will
react almost the exact same way when the waitperson comes to the
table for the first time. They will also react similarly when giving
their orders. The same goes for when they spot the food heading
toward their table.
Behavior when summoning and receiving the check is my
personal favorite. As the waitperson arrives, you’ll sometimes see
diners “fight” for the check. If you pay close attention, you’ll easily
figure out who attempts to lose that battle. As you learn more and
get in deeper, you’ll be able to spot the cues of stress on the person
who doesn’t want to pay, and you’ll spot the smallest frustration
and/or disappointment cues on the person who knows it’s not their
turn but pays anyway.
The next time you’re in a restaurant, pick a table and watch the
hands of the people at that table. That’s all—just their hands. In the
first few seconds, you will notice each person exhibiting similar
behaviors. As they settle in, some will have their elbows on the
table and lean in, and some will have their hands on their laps.
Some will goof around with their phone for a bit. As the first few
minutes pass and the server comes to the table to greet them, you
will notice each person begin to match and mimic the others’
postures and behaviors. But remember, you’re just watching hands
right now.
As someone speaks, you will see them begin using illustrators.
They will usually start small and, as they become more
comfortable, they will grow larger. Pay attention to the hands of
those listening. Where are they? What are they doing? This is
where you’re going to find out if you are truly interested in learning
about human behavior. If you are, you’ll find yourself saying, “Holy
smokes . . . That happens every time he does . . .,” or, “The people at
this table are doing the EXACT same things the people at that table
were doing four minutes ago!” You’ll know you simply have a
passing interest if after five minutes you say, “Yeah, no. I’m not
seeing anything here.”
As you develop your new skill set, you will settle into your own
style of decoding nonverbal behavior. Quite often, a person’s
interest in facial expressions ignites their want to learn more about
body language and what it will tell them. That’s where most start to
break down what they’re seeing.
Although decoding facial expressions is a great starting point,
the problem is, you can’t necessarily start there every time. For
example, what can you pick up from the nonverbals of the person
with their back to you in line at Target? In this scenario, you can’t
see their face. All you can see is the back of their head, the backs of
their feet, arms, legs, and torso. Where do you begin?
Start big and work your way to the smaller things. For example,
are they standing still or slowly swaying back and forth? Swaying
indicates boredom. What’s their posture like? Are they leaning on a
shopping cart? If so, this tells us they don’t feel threatened by
anything going on around them. What about their head? Is it
straight up? Most often, this denotes they are paying attention. Is
the head leaning to one side and back? That suggests impatience.
What are their arms doing? Are they crossed? This could mean
they’re cold, bored, exasperated with the situation, or just more
comfortable with crossed arms.
Where are their hands? What are they doing? Are they fidgeting
with something? The fidgeting denotes they are thinking about
something specific. Are they holding their phone with one hand
and “paddling” it between the middle finger and thumb of the
opposite hand? This suggests they want things to speed up a bit.
Are they holding a shopping basket in front of them with both
hands while leaning back and their head is back as well? Again,
this denotes boredom. If they’re holding the basket with one hand,
what’s the other hand doing? Written out, you could get the
impression that learning all this will take quite some time.
However, you will soon be able to decode everything in this
situation within a few seconds.
If you are in a much closer position and can see it, then start
with the face. Are the lips pursed? That suggests disagreement with
the situation. Are they pursed to the side? That indicates the person
sees a different outcome to what is happening or what just
happened. Have their lips disappeared by curving inward, so you
can’t see them? You’ll see this when someone is stressed or when
their stress level is building.
As you observe someone out in the wild, ask yourself these three
questions:

1. IS EVERYTHING AS IT SHOULD BE FOR THIS PARTICULAR SITUATION?

 2. IS THIS PERSON’S BEHAVIOR TELLING ME SOMETHING IS WRONG OR THAT
THERE IS AN ISSUE?

3. IS THEIR BEHAVIOR TELLING ME EVERYTHING IS OKAY?

If everything looks normal, search for small adaptors, such as
massaging an arm or hand, biting a lip, pulling on or biting
fingernails, or repetitive mouth movements or noises.
While searching for small adaptors, you may begin to notice that
they are growing larger. For example, someone may quickly shrug
their shoulders to stretch those muscles and help them relax. They
may squeeze and wipe their forehead quickly or continuously rub a
finger. You may hear them take a deep breath and let it out louder
than normal. The adaptors a person uses, whether large or small,
tell you something isn’t right for them psychologically. As ex-FBI
agent Joe Navarro puts it, “You’re looking for the adjustments in
comfort and discomfort.” That’s what adaptors do: aid in the
transition from comfort to discomfort and vice versa.
TWO:

WARMING UP

Y OU DON’T HAVE TO LOOK FAR to begin

observing human behavior: Just take a look
at your phone. Name it and you will most likely
see that type of behavior on social media
sometime today. You will see a marked
difference in the people who are doing things in
hopes that their video will go viral and the
people who are just standing around being
recorded and don’t care or know that it’s
happening.
For example, while someone is doing
something that they think is funny or clever,
they will not only talk louder, but their
illustrators and adaptors will be “louder” as well.
You will see larger movements of their arms
and legs. Their facial expressions will be much
more defined than normal. Their movements
will be quicker, and their attention will be
concentrated on the camera. With the sound
muted, it will seem as though their entire body
is trying to tell you something.
You can make these same comparisons
observing normal and amped-up behaviors
when you’re watching the news and an excited
person is being interviewed. The same goes for
when a local politician is angry because the
whatever it is still hasn’t been addressed yet—or
maybe election time is right around the corner.
Now that you have a grip on the basics of
nonverbal communication, you will be able to
start making decisions about the behaviors you
see politicians and salespeople exhibit on TV
and social media. Now let’s take a look at some
specific cues to look for.
START OUT WITH SOCIAL MEDIA
Confidence shows in a person’s behavior when they appear to be
calm with little or no distracting or jerky movements, especially
when you pay attention to their head. You’ll notice that when you
observe people with a large following on social media. News
anchors and talk show hosts also look and act this way. Although
some of their movements will be larger than normal, that’s part of
the art of keeping the viewer’s attention.
In the image here, you can see what we call “open” gestures and
body language. The hands are visible and you can see the stomach,
chest, and neck easily. These cues suggest the host is not feeling
threatened or stressed.
If you were watching him talk, you would notice that his vocal
tone and diction would be clear and projected at a good volume. He
wants to get every word across so that the listener misses nothing.
He must keep the viewers’ attention and keep them excited, no
matter what is happening. These same principles apply for a video
featuring someone that has a large social media following. They’re
doing it to get a message across, and capturing and keeping
attention is of the utmost importance. The bigger moves are
important here.
As you learn more, you’ll find yourself migrating to the same
cue areas as you observe. It may be the face, where you will first
focus on the eyes, mouth, and facial expressions. It may be the
hands, where you will search for the small adaptors first. For some,
it’s the middle of the torso. That helps get a quick assessment of
cues that are normal as well as out of place, starting big and
working toward the small. This is the process of settling into your
“style” of decoding. Now let’s get a closer look and break down some
of the classic cues you’ll see a lot.
01: HAND GESTURING
Hand gestures are one of the most important tools in a talk show
host’s body language toolbox. They fall into two categories. The first
is the illustrator category, which we will talk about in-depth soon.
The second is the regulator category. Regulators help direct
attention, move things forward, slow things down, speed things up,
or even bring everything to a stop.
One-on-one, hand gestures are usually small and stay within the
stomach and lower chest area. It’s rare to see someone gesturing
above the shoulders as in this illustration. However, sporting events
are one place where you may see both hands raised above the head
and shoulders, or gesturing above the shoulders.
When speaking to a group, the gestures need to be larger and
have more movement. The same principle applies for video and
film. The larger the movements, the more there is to see and the
more the viewer’s attention is attracted to or directed by the person
executing the gestures. Here we see an open-handed gesture
indicating the host is asking for an answer or suggestion.
02: LARGE TORSO MOVEMENTS
Talk show hosts are seated. That means the ability to make large
movements and gestures—things like walking away, spinning
around, going down on one knee, bowing forward, and all of the
more dramatic movements you can make when you are standing—
are out of the question. That’s why you will see much larger
movements in the torso area as the host acts and reacts
humorously, seriously, doubtfully, and confidently.
Instead of standing straight and bowing their head when there is
a somber moment, the host will sit up straight and bow their head.
When given interesting, questionable, or greatly anticipated
information, their torso will tilt forward.
When given unexpected news, graphic information, or bad
news, their torso will tilt back, to the side, or both. Depending on the
type, importance, and degree of unpleasantness, this movement
may happen faster or slower. In the seated position, the torso has
the ability to bring the head, face, and chest closer to the guest or
take it further away. These large torso movements are imperative
in keeping and directing the viewer’s attention.

03: NO MOVEMENT OF EYEBROWS AND

FOREHEAD
There’s no doubt about it: Botox has become more popular, as well
as more accessible, over the past few years. Many people, including
some celebrities, use it to help get rid of wrinkles in the forehead
and brow area. And while it can make a big difference, there are
consequences. For example, if a host is showing cues that suggest
he is eliciting an answer, like “What do you think?” then his
eyebrows should be up. Greg Hartley refers to that as a “request for
approval.” In this instance, though he is requesting approval or an
answer, the eyebrows are not pushed or pulled upward. The
forehead is motionless and is not wrinkling. This suggests Botox
has been used.
Some people can be expressive enough with the rest of their
face, as is the case with this host, in which case Botox use isn’t
problematic. News anchors can take advantage of the effect and
continue to look serious even though the story they are relaying
may be sad or even a bit humorous, but the eyebrows and forehead
play important roles in connecting with others. It’s a big chance to
take if you’re a person whose livelihood depends on that
connection.
04: SHOWTIME SMILE
The smile is the most pleasant and popular facial expression. The
logic goes, the bigger the smile, the happier the person. That might
be true, but only if the person is displaying a real, genuine smile.
Having been a record producer for many years, I learned plenty
from the artists I worked with, especially when it comes to an
artist’s behavior while performing.
The most common behavior you will see onstage—whether
you’re observing a musician, actor, keynote speaker, or talk show
host—is their smile. When you see one of these smiles, most often
you’re seeing that person’s “Showtime Smile.”
The Showtime Smile is practiced and rehearsed, and it looks
exactly the same every time you see it. Take a look at photos of your
favorite celebrity on the red carpet. They will display plenty of
smiles there. Then take a look at that same celebrity on the red
carpet from another event. See it? The exact same smile.
Now that you’re aware of this, pay attention to your own smile.
Is it the smile you really want history to record when your picture is
taken? It’s okay to practice your smile. Believe me, more people
practice theirs than you’re aware of!

05: HAND LIGHTLY TOUCHING TABLE

When someone places their complete attention on one person or
situation, they become loosely unaware of what the rest of their
body is doing. It’s not that they have no idea what the rest of their
body is doing; they have simply put most of their attention
somewhere else. Pickpockets, magicians, and con artists depend on
that loosely unaware state to steal your wallet or take advantage of
you. That’s why the host’s hand is placed so oddly on the desk. They
are completely focused on the audience. You do this as well, when
you are in situations demanding your undivided attention.
One time, at camp, when I was very young, the archery champ
from a local college came to show us how to use a bow and arrow.
She was incredible. She would take her time, draw the arrow back
as she aimed, and let the arrow fly flawlessly every time. As she
began one of her shots, a honeybee landed on her face. On her face!
And she didn’t so much as flinch. She made the shot, realized there
was a bug on her face, and swiped it off. I will never forget that level
of concentration. She experienced, to a much greater degree, what
the host is experiencing in the illustration.

THE HIDDEN ART TO POLITICS

You may be under the impression that decoding the body language
of politicians is tough because their movements are so big and
rehearsed. In reality, those are the factors that make politicians so
much easier to read than a normal person. It’s the same reason
comedians can easily imitate them. Their behaviors are so
rehearsed and so big, yet so personalized.
Politicians are great to study, because they are always available
to watch and observe. They are always on TV and social media.
They put out videos about where they stand on whatever issue is
currently being discussed. Someone is always interviewing them.
You don’t realize what a great behavioral baseline you already have
on many politicians today because you’ve seen and heard them talk
and answer so many questions so often.
When watching a politician being questioned or accused, it is
imperative to keep your mind open. Just observe. Before they are
asked the big question or questions, pay attention to their face. Is it
focused on the interviewer? How loud and how clearly are they
speaking? Is there movement in their head, shoulders, arms, hands,
and/or torso? Are the movements big or small?
What kinds of words are they using? How fast are they talking?
Are they using any adaptors? Are the pauses longer than normal
for that politician? Is the answer they are giving the answer to the
question they were asked? If it’s a yes or no question, did they
answer with a “Yes” or a “No”? Or was it a long answer that really
didn’t go anywhere? These are all simple and easy to spot.
 One of the first things you learned in this book was that there
are no absolutes. That means you cannot see only one of the things
we discuss here and assume the politician is lying. If you see two of
them, you can’t assume they are lying. If you see three of them?
Then you can say, “Hang on a second . . . Something’s not right
here. Let’s watch that again.”
If the behavior you know as normal for this politician hasn’t
deviated since the interview began and their demeanor stays calm
or remains low-key, that indicates low stress and the answers are
most likely truthful. However, if the illustrators start popping up or
become larger and/or the tone of their voice and facial expression
changes, keep watching. Something’s up.
It’s decision time. Are they becoming more animated because
they are excited about the question or subject and can’t wait to tell
you what they think? Or are you watching them become anxious,
restless, or uncomfortable because they’re getting ready to answer
untruthfully? As the adaptors pile up, the chances that a lie is
marching its way toward the conversation grows greater.
As a soon-to-be impeached President Clinton told America he
was innocent of the accusations against him, we saw his face
change, his adaptors change, and his tone of voice change. We saw
his body language go from comfortable to uncomfortable.
01: TALKING IN ONE DIRECTION WHILE
POINTING IN ANOTHER DIRECTION
Illustrators are used when a person wants to emphasize specific
words or phrases as they speak. For example, when President
Clinton denied having a sexual relationship with Monica Lewinsky,
he said, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” As he
said that, he tapped the podium with his finger on the words NOT-
HAVE-SEXUAL-RELATIONS. He was focused and paying full
attention to what he was doing and saying. This phrase was well-
rehearsed, as was his use of illustrators.
When giving an honest answer, the illustrators will be gesturing
at or toward the person being given the answer. In this press
conference, President Clinton was looking at and speaking to Wolf
Blitzer, but he was gesturing to the far right of Wolf. This suggested
something wasn’t right with his answer.
Using illustrators doesn’t mean a person is lying, nor does it
mean that an individual is telling the truth. It is simply a way for
the person to make sure those listening understand that there are
certain parts of what they are saying that are extra important.

02: HAND GESTURES OUT OF SYNC WITH

EMPHASIZED WORDS
Although President Clinton’s famous finger pointing illustrators
were actually pointing in the wrong direction the first time he used
them, they tapped in sync with the words NOT-HAVE-SEXUAL-
RELATIONS.
The second time he used illustrators, they stood out like a sore
thumb. The reason being that they were not in sync with the words
as they were spoken. If the brain is focused on and emphasizing
specific words and phrases, then those illustrators must be in sync
with those words and phrases. If not? Something is definitely
wrong.
This doesn’t necessarily denote lying. The person could be
thinking about something else at the same time they are speaking,
or there may be something else going on in the background or
foreground that is pulling their attention away. Remember, there
are no absolutes in body language.
However, whenever I see and hear illustrators that aren’t in
sync with the words they’re supposed to be emphasizing, I pay
closer attention to that person’s answers.

03: BLINK RATE SLOWS

You may have heard, “When someone is lying, their blink rate will
increase.” That does prove true in some cases. For example, if the
person is being interrogated or is being questioned for more than
just a couple of minutes, that will most likely cause the limbic
system to kick in. In these cases, their eyes will dry a bit and they
will blink at a faster rate.
However, after a person gives information they know to be false
but want to be believed, their blink rate actually slows down. That’s
because the brain tries its best to keep an eye on the person being
lied to in an attempt to gauge whether they are buying the lie.
That’s what can be seen in President Clinton’s behavior.
In the twelve seconds it takes to deliver the lie, he blinks 12
times. That’s a rate of 1 blink per second. After he says “These
accusations are false,” it’s another 7 seconds before he blinks again,
even though he also says, “And I need to go back to work for the
American people.” He scans the room making sure those people
believe him.

04: SINGLE-SHOULDER OR SHORT SHRUG

You see shoulder shrugs all the time. When you ask a question and
the person doesn’t know the answer, they’ll probably shrug their
shoulders as they say “I don’t know.” That’s normal. A real
shoulder shrug lasts about a second, sometimes a second and a half.
However, if you see a really quick shoulder shrug or just a one-
shoulder shrug, there’s probably an issue there.
That’s because, as they answer the question, the brain is in that
loosely unaware state we talked about earlier. They are focused on
you and your question, and they don’t realize that what they think
is a full-on shoulder shrug is just a quick pop up and down that most
don’t even notice.
Pretend someone is asking you the question, “Who is Mackland
Dan Vanderboots?” When you answer, shrug your left shoulder.
See how unnatural that feels? It looks unnatural as well. Now
pretend you’re asked that question and make both shoulders shrug
quickly. Again, it looks as unnatural as it feels. When you see it,
there’s most likely an issue there.
05: HAND GRIPPING THE PODIUM
When something is happening and a person wants to make sure
they have stable footing, they will hold on to something and brace
themselves. You may see that same behavior when a person is
bracing to get news or give news. That’s what you’re seeing in the
illustration: President Clinton grips the podium here to brace
himself.
Is this an adaptor? Yes. His index finger is pushing hard on the
outside of the podium as the rest of his fingers form a grip. His
forearm is pushing on the podium, as well as the rest of his arm
close to his side. The arm at his side denotes his limbic system is in
protection mode, guarding his stomach and chest area.
What does him being so close to the podium tell us? It tells us he
is using it as a barrier. It’s normal to be a few inches back from the
podium. It’s not normal to be almost pressing against it. Every piece
of behavior in this illustration tells us he is guarded, stressed, and
preparing to deliver questionable information.
THREE:

PRACTICING ON FRIENDS
AND FAMILY

M OST OF THE NONVERBAL communicating

you do with friends and family typically
goes unnoticed. You’re around them so much
that you don’t realize that you are reacting to the
smallest of head nods or eyebrow movements.
Your family members also probably completely
miss the fact that they are reacting to your
subtle mouth, arm, and chin movements.
On the other hand, there are plenty of things
you do notice, like the quick grimace on the face
of your significant other when you mention a
certain someone from work. Even though they
are under the impression that you didn’t see that
grimace, you know it’s better not to ask that
certain someone from work to the barbeque
next Saturday.
The same thing goes when you’re shopping
for clothes and you have a friend with you. You
walk out of the dressing room and say “Well?
What do you think?” Their response is “Yeah,
that works for you,” but their squirmy body
language says, “Actually, it makes you look
hilarious, but I know you like it so I’m not going
to say anything.”
You know what that slow release of breath
you just heard from your best friend means. You
know it’s time to talk about what’s bothering
them. You know what it means when you and
your brother run into one of his classmates and
his eyebrows raise and stay up the entire time
he’s talking to her. It’s time for you to say, “Hey,
I’ll meet you at the car.” When you know
someone very well, you know their nonverbal
cues and tells, even though you don’t realize it.
HOW TO READ SOCIAL GATHERINGS
Social gatherings are fascinating, as they put every participant’s
behavior on display. You can spot the shy, the nervous, and the
fake. Connecting properly with these people is much easier when
you know where their heads are at from a nonverbal perspective.
Approach the shy person in a quieter fashion and compliment
them on something they’re wearing or something they’ve said.
They are easily spotted, as quite often they will exhibit shrugged
shoulders and/or their hand or hands will be in their pocket(s).
Their feet are usually fairly close together as well. Understand
you’re going to be doing the heavy lifting in the conversation and
know that that’s okay. The questions you ask them can begin in a
similar way to those you would ask an introvert, such as questions
about the things we all do at home. “Have you binge-watched that
show yet?” Or, “What book are you in the middle of?” “Are you a
dog person or a cat person?” works like a charm with shy people.
Connecting with the nervous person the right way will be a little
harder. They are processing a whole lot more that’s going on and in
a different way than you are. It’s important to be patient with them
and to speak calmly and clearly. You might notice adaptors, larger
ones like arm massaging, shaking a leg, rubbing a hand. They may
even have a tight grip on their cup or glass. Taking a deep breath,
letting it out audibly and saying “Sometimes these things are too
much” can help them understand that you get it. If that doesn’t
help, you might try smiling and saying, “You look like how I feel.”
When they say, “How’s that?” or, “What does that mean?” you can
say, “I just don’t like these things. I know everybody else does, and I
should, but I just don’t like ’em.” You will be surprised how that can
calm a nervous partygoer.
The person exhibiting a “fake front” is usually the most
interesting. You’ll know them by the loud volume they speak at.
Their head will probably be tilted back, almost like they’re looking
down their nose at you. They may have one hand on their hip and
their chest forward a bit as well, while at the same time having one
of their legs sticking out in front of them just a little too far. Though
showing many signs of a narcissistic attitude, they may be faking
that front of confidence to hide the fact that they are sad, nervous,
unsure, or even shy. Approach this person with a bit of caution, as
some of the cues are similar to those of a con or grifter. The person
who is truly confident will rarely exhibit more than one or two of
the several cues you can spot with these people. A great opening
line for the person you suspect of being fake is: “So, what is your
take on all of this?” This type of person will usually answer with
information based more on them and much less on what is going on
at the party.
01: EYES OPEN WIDER THAN NORMAL
The nervous person’s brain wants to take in as much information as
it possibly can from its surrounding environment. They tend to
check the surroundings every couple minutes or so, and they listen
to everything more closely than most other people.
To aid their ability to process this deluge of constantly changing
information, the limbic system is triggered and the brain makes
sure the eyes are open a little wider than they normally would be.
They aren’t wide enough to look odd, but wide enough to be
noticeable.
The nervous person will go back and forth between a higher
state of alert to a lower state, over and over, in an observable cycle.
If you notice this cycle, it is best to engage the person while they’re
in the lower alert state. They will be much easier to approach and
more open to listening to and engaging with you. They will also
appreciate someone “coming to the rescue” as they try to cope with
whatever is bothering them.
02: STRESS MOUTH
When there’s a problem or when a person is stressed, quite often
you will see what we like to call “Stress Mouth.” Some refer to it as
“Lip Compression,” while others call it “Disappearing Lips.” The
person’s lips will push together from the top and bottom and curve
inward, until it looks like they’ve disappeared. You’ll see this in
almost every courtroom, especially when the ethics of the person in
the hot seat are in question.
Stress Mouth can show up during different levels of stress. For
example, when you’re at a party and you walk out of the kitchen or
into the living room and see people you don’t know, if someone
looks you in the eye as you pass and smiles, your lips will try to
smile. They’ll press together and disappear as you nod your head at
the person. You’ll probably do the same thing if you’re sitting at a
red light on the way home and realize the person you’re looking at
in the car next to you is staring back.

03: HAND MASSAGING ARM

One of the most common pacifiers you will see are a person
massaging their arm, hand, finger, or a shoulder. We most often
employ these pacifying behaviors as we deal with a problem or
situation we are uncomfortable with.
I was giving a TEDx Talk in Nashville and there were several
talks scheduled throughout the day. I headed over a little early to
get a look at the venue, to see how large the audience was, and to get
used to the surroundings.
As I stood in the back watching another speaker being
introduced, a friend of mine stepped up and said, “Hey, is your arm
okay?” I didn’t realize I was massaging my arm so hard that it
looked like I was trying to pull it off. I was nervous because there
were almost 2000 people in the audience and I was only expecting
around 500.
As I unconsciously tried to calm myself, I was employing the
classic self-pacifying arm massage. When you see someone
exhibiting this behavior, more often than not, the person has no
idea they’re doing it.

04: ARM TIGHT AGAINST SIDE OF RIB

CAGE
One of the important things the limbic system does is protect us
when we sense something is wrong. When this response is
triggered, without realizing it, our arms spring immediately to our
sides with our forearms and hands in front of our stomach, chest,
and heart. At the same time, our face exhibits the expression of
Surprise: eyes and mouth wide open, eyebrows pulled up, nostrils
flared, and pupils dilated.
The facial expression of Fear is similar to Surprise, in that the
expression of Fear looks like a calm Surprise. In a way, it’s the
same with Anxiety, which is related to Fear. Anxiety has some of
the hallmarks of the miniaturized facial expression of Fear, so there
are some similar cues and tells you can pick up on and use here.
 In this illustration, the nervousness is largely cued by how
tightly the arm is pressed against the rib cage. As the
environmental pressure increases and decreases, the arm serves as
an adaptor to aid in releasing stress and tension building up inside
the person.

05: TIGHT GRIP

During the first drop on a roller coaster, you don’t lightly touch the
shoulder harness that keeps you in your seat. Your hands squeeze
that harness like it’s the only thing keeping you alive. Again, your
limbic system is protecting you, forcing you to hang on tight.
If you see someone at a party holding their glass about chest
level, pay attention to their grip. Are they holding it lightly? Or
tightly, like a new comedian holding a microphone during their
first appearance on a late-night talk show? Along with one or two
other adaptors, you will see the tightness of a person’s grip is an
adaptor as well. A tight grip is also used as a barrier when it’s at that
chest-height level. A barrier can be anything placed between you
and another person.
Similar to crossed arms during an uncomfortable conversation,
a person with a tight grip on a glass, coffee cup, or other object held
in front of their heart and chest area can indicate anxiety and/or
fear.
06: EXTRA FACE
My brother is in the TV and movie business. Once, I visited him on
the set of a show he was directing. Every so often, he would yell
“Cut!” and he would ask the extras to “stop making that weird face.”
After hearing him say that so often, I asked, “What’s that about?”
He replied, “When a scene starts, look at the faces of the extras.
Some will put this odd-looking smile on their face when they hear
‘Action!’ They do that because they know they’re on camera.”
Ever since he pointed that out, I can’t stop looking for it. Now, I
see “Extra Face” everywhere in movies, sitcoms, reality shows, and
on the faces of people in the background on the news.
At parties and in social situations, when you see someone
exhibiting Extra Face, they may be hiding their true feelings and/or
intent. They may be sad, lonely, or anxious. Like the extras, they
know they are being observed and want to give the impression that
all is well.
07: SHOULDERS PULLED BACK
It’s hard to successfully execute a fake front. Quite often, the faker
will overreact and go too far in the opposite direction of the emotion
they want to hide. For example, keeping their normal behavior in
mind, their smile will seem almost too big. They will laugh or
comment a little too loudly.
Their posture might appear oddly rigid. In this case, the faker
will quite often overdo it by pulling their shoulders back to push
their chest out, as if to say, “Check me out. Everything is great here.
Look how confident I am!” When that happens, their head tends to
tilt back ever so slightly. This gives them an air of arrogance or
dominance. All of these cues begin building a nonverbal picture of
put-on or forced behavior.
In the same way that it’s hard to keep an insincere expression on
your face because there is no emotion fueling it, the realism and
believability of these gestures and stances will ebb and flow as well.
This makes the fake, unnatural behavior stand out as obvious,
especially with those shoulders pulled back a bit too much.
08: PROTRUDING LEG
When someone at a social gathering is trying to draw the attention
of others, they can’t yell, “Hey! Look at me!” However, they may
subconsciously exhibit body language cues or “flags” that will
accomplish that goal for them. The protruding leg display is just one
great example of these types of cues.
It looks similar to the way a relaxed person would put weight on
their dominant leg as they lean back just a little. This movement
forces the non-dominant leg forward to help the person maintain
their balance.
The dominant leg in the situation we’re discussing protrudes
more than what would be categorized as normal. Not far enough out
to make it look odd, but far enough for others to see it as: “This is
my space. Check me out.” Some people will exhibit similar behavior
when they stand too close to a busy area or doorway, or right next to
the punch bowl or gathering spot at a party.
This behavior tends to look a bit clunky, especially if the person
is shy and trying to appear confident. When combined with the
other cues in this illustration, the faker makes for an easy read,
even at a distance.

09: EYES SCAN WHILE HEAD REMAINS

STILL
This type of eye scanning behavior is not only common for the
person putting on a fake front, but also the nervous person who isn’t
putting on a front. The difference being that the nervous person’s
eyes will dart around somewhat quickly as they check the
environment for threats. The side-to-side head movement will be
small and almost jerky. The shy person’s eyes usually won’t dart,
depending on the level of anxiety they are experiencing in the
situation. They tend to look down and toward the center, and they
will look back up as they scan the area. What little side-to-side head
movements they do make tend to be slow.
The person putting on a fake front will exhibit all of these
behaviors, depending on the reason they are faking. Sometimes
their eye movements will be a great deal slower than the previous
two examples. The room scan may be more controlled as the brain
searches for familiar faces. Their head will move just enough to be
noticeable, but not deeply from side to side. This is also a common
predator behavior.

10: HAND ON HIP

You’ve seen it a thousand times. One hand is on the hip, while the
other hand holds something. This can be mistaken for a mild
display of dominance. However, when seen in this situation, it
stands out, similar to the way the protruding leg stands out. Think
of it as a flag telling you the person is ready to, or wants to, connect.
The hand on the hip also denotes confidence when it’s done the
correct way. This example suggests confidence isn’t high because of
the hand’s position. The problem is the inner rim of the hand, that
part between the thumb and first finger. When that is firmly
pressed against the hip forming a triangle with the elbow pointing
straight out, you’ve got a confidence cue.
When the inner rim of the hand is just touching the hip, along
with the inner side of the palm, and there is no point on the elbow,
no triangle, you have a cue that denotes a relaxed or unstable
confidence. Again, ready to connect, ready to talk to someone, but
not a truly dominant gesture.

11: SHOULDERS SLIGHTLY SHRUGGED

In a social setting, the shy person will often exhibit a slightly
forward-leaning posture with the shoulders pulled up or shrugged.
This lean is not so much to look as though they have a hunched
back, but it is noticeable. Some refer to this as “turtling,” as the head
looks like it’s trying to disappear into the chest.
You will notice similar behavior when someone is surprised or
experiencing fear. The shoulders quickly rise to protect the neck as
the chin lowers. Once again, the ever-powerful limbic system is
making sure that the neck is protected.
If you work in retail, you may want to start looking for this cue.
When a thief shoplifts, they will often attempt to blend in and look
smaller and harder to notice. However, shrugging and leaning
forward makes them appear odd and results in them standing out,
achieving the opposite effect.
When executed correctly, shrugged shoulders—combined with
the other cues of shyness we’re covering in this chapter—create a
classic look that I teach undercover law enforcement officers to
create for themselves, making it easier for them to go unnoticed and
blend into a group.

12: COVERING THE CENTER OF STOMACH

AREA
Shy people are often thought to be introverts, but there’s a big
difference between the two. The shy person doesn’t like being
alone. They want to connect, interact, and be with people, but are
afraid to. The introvert, on the other hand, likes spending time
alone and will feel drained after spending time with people.
The shy person is experiencing a form of fear. That’s the reason
you’ll see them use barriers like the cup in the example picture.
They want to put something, anything, between themselves and
another person.
As the shy person’s stress continues to grow, they will begin to
use barriers and adaptors. You can get an idea of how shy a person
might be by the distance the barrier they use is from their stomach
area. The same thing goes for how close the under part of their
forearm is to the side of their stomach. In situations like the one in
the example picture, the person battling shyness will often push on
the side of their stomach with the lower part of their wrist.

13: LEGS CLOSE TOGETHER

When the legs are straight and shoulder-width apart, it is referred
to as “Legs Akimbo.” You will see police officers, military
personnel, coaches, fighters, and anyone in a dominant or alpha
position using such a stance. It is one of the first nonverbal cues that
communicates to people who is in charge.
The opposite posture is standing with the legs close together. It’s
a common display among shy people. When displaying Legs
Akimbo, the person is always on balance. They look ready to take
on most anything. The opposite proves true for the person standing
with their legs too close together. They are often off-balance, not
only physically, but also in the social situation they find themselves
in as well.
They will often stand straight, leaning forward just a bit. They
aren’t relaxed, so they may fidget as well, but not enough to attract
attention. They may sway back and forth a little or from side to side.
They may lightly bounce their back on the wall, using that feeling
as an adaptor or pacifier.

14: HEAD TILTED DOWNWARD

The person exhibiting a downward tilt of their head, even while in
conversation, may indicate that they are experiencing sadness,
loneliness, or possibly shame. With the shy person, the downward
head tilt along with the slightly shrugged shoulders may not
necessarily denote any of these emotions.
In a social situation, you may see the shy person with their head
tilted forward and a light case of Stress Mouth creating a “Stress
Smile.” To make a Stress Smile, smile normally. Now, curl your lips
in like you would for Stress Mouth. Ta-dah! You’re the shy, nervous
person in the corner making eye contact with someone passing by.
This smile says, “Hello there. I’m not going to talk, but hi.”
Keep in mind, this smile can be mistaken for the smile of an
angry person if you do it wrong. The angry person, who isn’t going
to speak but is letting you know they’re angry by smiling, won’t nod
their head as the shy person will. Their eyebrows won’t be popping
up for a second or so, either.
15: HAND IN POCKET
Whether at work, in the military, or at a bank meeting, the person
who is lowest in the hierarchy is usually the person with their
hands in their pockets. The problem with this is that most people
are under the impression that keeping your hands in your pockets
makes you look untrustworthy, simply because they can’t see your
hands. That is not actually the case. However, it is a possibility that,
if observed, those in charge may get the feeling they can’t trust you
with an important task.
When you’re in a meeting, giving a talk, or negotiating, people
want to see your hands because you communicate much better
when using your hands as you speak. We’ve talked about how your
illustrators convey a level of importance that your words may not
fully transmit, and people want to see those illustrators.
The thumbs play an important role in the hand-pocket
relationship. When the hand is in a pocket and the thumb is
displayed, that denotes a feeling of confidence. It is when the
thumbs are hidden with the hands entirely in the pockets that you
can count on this cue indicating shyness or being uncomfortable
with the situation.

TELLTALE SIGNS OF A DISAGREEMENT

The most popular comedies always incorporate misunderstandings
between characters. While one character is under the impression
that a certain something is in play or will happen, another character
—or maybe all of the other of the characters—are under the
impression that just the opposite is true. Their actions, reactions,
and body language help fuel the humor created by this
misunderstanding.
These setups vary from being small enough to go unnoticed to
mammoth-size setups that involve every regular actor along with
several guest stars and extras. The writers know this tension builds
suspense, because the viewer begins imagining how certain
characters will react when receiving the misunderstood
information. From Shakespeare to Seinfeld, misunderstandings are
a go-to for humor and revealing the basics of human nature.
In real life, you may see the same intensity of stress and emotion
when close friends argue. However, the close friends—depending
on the argument—will tend to be more animated than the family
members arguing and will often close much of the physical space
between each other with no violence in mind. Meanwhile, strangers
arguing may also be quite animated, depending on the situation.
The magnitude of the emotions and body language exhibited
during an argument originates from a place of varied intimacy. For
example, two people who don’t know each other and are arguing
over a parking space at the grocery store will most often argue at a
distance or from inside their cars. If the windows are rolled up, the
body language and facial expressions used can seem more than a bit
comical to those watching at a distance. As arms begin to flail and
eyes begin to widen, you may see socially unacceptable hand signs
thrown out as over-the-top, exaggerated mouthing of foul language
begins. As I’m sure you’re aware, these displays can prove to be
more than a bit humorous.
One of my favorites to observe is the argument in a bar or club
parking lot between close friends who’ve known each other for
years, especially if they’ve been drinking way too much and it’s
obvious there will be no violence. Like a sitcom, most of the time
the argument stems from a misunderstanding and the body
language of both parties can be quite comical. It may look and
sound like you’re observing a murder in progress. However, pay
close attention as hands go up to slap each other but land on arms
and shoulders without the full force they imply.
 A great example of this was bought to my attention in a photo
one of our neighbors took of my brother and me when we were little
kids. Mitch and I were in our driveway fighting. He jumped on top
of me and knocked me down. The photo shows his fist drawn back
to punch me in the face, but his hand is on the back of my head
protecting it from the pavement. (And no, he didn’t end up
punching me.)
01: DIRECT GAZE
In general, there are three basic gazes: The Direct Gaze, the Social
Gaze, and the Intimate Gaze. You use the Direct Gaze when
meeting with someone for the first time and in business situations,
times when you have permission to look at the person’s eyes and
forehead area.
You use the Social Gaze when you know the other person, but
you don’t know them. You’re friends, but you’re “work friends.”
With this gaze, you have permission to look at the other person’s
eyes and mouth area.
You use the Intimate Gaze with family members, best friends,
significant others—people you’re much more intimate with. These
are “your people” or “your tribe,” as some call it. You have
permission to look at the eyes, forehead, mouth, and chest areas.
The Direct Gaze, as shown in the illustration, can instigate a
fight as well as add intimidation before and during an argument.
There isn’t much blinking at first and the eyes are most likely
squinted due to the expression of Anger.
02: UPPER LIP TIGHTENED AND PULLED
SLIGHTLY UPWARD
After someone explains what happened during a tough discussion
they had earlier that didn’t go well, you may inevitably ask, “Well,
were they mad?” If the answer is “I don’t know,” your second
question is going to be, “Did they look mad?” The facial expression
of Anger is probably the easiest to recognize, with the expression of
Joy coming in at a close second.
Tighten your upper lip a little and pull it in against your top
front teeth. Now curl it inward from the bottom. Now say, “That’s
not what I meant.” You sound a bit abnormal. Now lower your
voice and say it again. Similar to the person in the example picture,
you look and sound about 40 percent angry. (The other 60 percent
shows up when you make the entire facial expression of Anger.)
Keep in mind, the facial expression of Anger has different levels
and intensities. At a lower level of anger, you’ll most likely see and
hear similar cues before you realize there are even smaller body
language cues being exhibited as well.
03: POINTING WITH EXTENDED FINGER
If you’ve ever seen a commercial for a pro-wrestling event, you’ve
seen the singular classic body language cue that tells you one of the
wrestlers is angry with the other. If I were to ask you to imitate one
of the wrestlers you’ve seen, the first thing you would do is point
your finger at my face and say, “You listen to me, brrrotherrrr!”
When you see that happen, no matter how far away from it you are,
you know the person pointing that finger is angry.
When emotions are running high in a heated disagreement, the
use of illustrators will increase dramatically. They may be used to
not only emphasize specific words or phrases, but also to help create
a barrier of space between the two people.
This illustrator may also be used to break into the space barrier
of the other person in an attempt to dominate their “Sacred Space.”
Greg Hartley defines a person’s Sacred Space as “the personal area
around you that you control by using adaptors.”

04: TORSO LEANING FORWARD

As someone arguing tries to get their point across or wants to be
sure they’re heard clearly, they may lean in and bend forward while
at the same time leaving their feet firmly planted. The torso lean is
an important cue to look for.
Here’s why: When their torso leans forward, take a look at their
legs. Are they slightly bent? Or are they straight and planted, so
they aren’t going to move? If they are straight while the torso leans
forward, maybe with a hand on the hip and/or pointing a finger, as
in the example picture, the chance of violence from this person at
this point is fairly low.
However, during the argument, if you see the person has shifted
their body weight back to their dominant leg and the non-dominant
leg has moved to the front, take this as a warning sign of potential
violence. The person may be preparing to lunge forward and grab
you or take a swing at you. That position sets the person up to be
able to make a myriad of aggressive moves that could escalate the
situation.

05: BACK STAYS RIGID

Even though a person may lean their torso forward for any of the
reasons we’ve covered, their back may remain rigid and straight.
We won’t go deep into pre-fight posturing, but as the limbic system
switches to Freeze, Fight, or Flight mode, the muscles tense as a
protective maneuver in case the body is attacked. If the muscles
remained relaxed, they would be less capable of successfully
sustaining blows from the other person should they lash out. Think
of these tensed muscles like an exoskeleton that protects your vital
organs.
Watch a boxer tempting their opponent to throw a punch as they
quickly dart their head into and out of the strike zone. The boxer’s
back stays rigid as they lean forward to get in and out as fast as
possible in hopes that his opponent will be tricked into swinging,
triggering a well-timed left hook for the knockout. Keep in mind,
there may be several reasons that a person leans in or leans forward
before or during an argument or disagreement, but their back will
remain rigid if it’s true anger you’re observing.

06: EYEBROWS DRAWN INWARD AND UP

When a person’s face displays uncertainty and/or disbelief, their
eyebrows will draw together while being pulled upward and out at
the sides. Joe Navarro says, “The forehead is the billboard for our
emotions.” If that’s true, the details of those billboard messages are
displayed by the eyebrows. You may not be able to clearly see the
wrinkles in someone’s forehead at a distance, but you will definitely
see what their eyebrows are doing.
When someone feels they are being wrongly accused or they’re
trying to understand why another person is angry with them, direct
eye contact with eyebrows drawn inward, up, and pulled out at the
sides helps create the unmistakable and classic facial expression
that says “I don’t understand why you think that,” “What are you
talking about?”, etc.
When you see this cue, it will almost always be accompanied by
the person shaking their head back and forth, along with squinting
their eyes as if they’re trying to see something more clearly.
07: OPEN MOUTH WITH CHIN JUTTING
FORWARD
The chin is talked about in everything from children’s stories—“Not
by the hair of my chinny chin chin”—to life lessons and sage advice,
such as, “You must learn to take it on the chin.” People stroke their
chin when thinking and throw it upward when nonverbally saying
“hello” as a friend passes them in the hall or on the road.
In the picture, you can see the person’s mouth is open and their
chin is jutted forward, suggesting surprise and disbelief. The mouth
mimics the Surprise expression and the chin juts and stays forward,
suggesting, “I’m not changing my mind on this.” In other words,
“What? I’m surprised you think that! It was NOT me!”
The schoolyard fight exhibits many classic and quick chin juts
as each opponent steps toward and away from one another. Even
though the chin jut in this situation suggests aggression and/or “I’m
not backing down”—or on the primal level, “See? Here’s my throat.
Try to grab it!”—it won’t stay jutted, because if it does, there’s no
protection for the throat.
08: HANDS OPEN AND BELOW
SHOULDERS
Open hands may be the most potent nonverbal tool a person can
use. To those watching, they suggest, “I’m hiding nothing. I’m not
being aggressive. Don’t feel threatened by me.” When the palms are
pushed forward and below the shoulders, as in the picture, this is
sometimes referred to as “Mercy Hands.” They say to the other
person, “Please believe me. Have mercy!” That’s exactly what this
person’s hands are transmitting nonverbally: “Don’t be threatened
by me. Whatever it is, I didn’t do it. Believe me, it wasn’t me!”
If the hands were doing the same thing but above the shoulders,
the message would be similar but more along the lines of “I don’t
know” or “I’m not sure.” It would be unnatural for them to be above
the shoulders when conveying the “It wasn’t me, I didn’t do it”
message, and it would suggest there’s more to the story. Like all the
nonverbal cues we’ve discussed, it wouldn’t mean for sure that the
person was lying. However, it would give you cause to keep asking
questions about whatever subject they are denying.
09: LOWERED HEAD, TILTED AND PUSHED
FORWARD
The head tilted to the side suggests the person’s attention is focused
on and is trying to understand what the other person is doing or
saying. This is normal when someone is being accused, especially
when it’s a surprise, as in the example picture. With the head
pushed forward, the neck is unprotected. It’s the brain saying,
“Look, I’m vulnerable. I’m not on the counterattack. I don’t need to
be. I didn’t do anything.”
When the head is lowered, it shows there is no attempt to
dominate the situation. In a way, it’s offering an act of submission to
the accuser. If a friend of yours says, “I know you took all the
money out of my wallet” and you’re not expecting it, you won’t start
yelling and trying to dominate the situation. You will most likely
display nonverbal cues that say, “What? I have no idea what you’re
talking about.” After your head recoils and your eyebrows pull
inward, up, and out, the head tilted and pushed forward will most
likely be your brain’s next move.
10: SHOULDERS SHRUGGED AND PULLED
BACK
When the limbic system triggers the Freeze, Fight, or Flight mode,
it begins protecting you as other parts of the brain quickly gather
information about the unfolding situation. The last thing it wants to
do is expose your chest area, because that’s where your heart and
lungs are.
When you see a person with their shoulders shrugged and
pulled back, like in the example picture, their chest is exposed.
This, along with the other nonverbal cues we’ve looked at, tells us
this person isn’t worried about violence. They are more concerned
with letting the other person know they have come to an incorrect
conclusion about the accusation against them.
The shoulder shrug is an almost universal nonverbal cue that
says, “I don’t know,” “I don’t understand,” “I’m not sure,” and/or
“I’m confused about what just happened.” If the person is
pretending that they don’t understand, the shoulder shrug lasts
around a half second or less. A real shrug can last from one second
to a second and a half, and sometimes it can even last as long as two
or three seconds.

HOW TO FEEL PHYSICALLY

ASSURED IN DIFFICULT SITUATIONS
In this chapter, we learned you can gather an incredible
amount of information about someone and how they may be
feeling just by observing their body language as they stand
around at a social gathering. By that same token, we can
transmit what we want others to think about us by simply
adjusting our own body language. For example, after reading
this chapter, you have all the information you need to look and
feel like the most confident person in every social situation you
find yourself in. So, let’s focus on the five most important cues
we went over, in no specific order.

1. SMILE. The easiest and most potent nonverbal cue you can
exhibit is a smile. Nothing too big or unnatural for the
situation, but a smile you’ve practiced in the bathroom
mirror. One that’s small, pleasant, and relaxed.

2. LEGS AKIMBO. Don’t go overboard with this one. When

standing, make sure your legs are about shoulder-width
apart. Don’t sway back and forth if you’re a swayer.

3. SHOULDERS PULLED BACK. When you look like you’re not

worried or guarded, you’re much more approachable.
This cue will make you feel confident as well.

4. POSTURE. Keeping your back straight is important. People

can see you slouching from across the street.

5. CHIN UP. You’ve heard people say, “Keep your chin up.”
That’s because it makes you look and feel confident. Make
sure it isn’t up so high that it makes you look arrogant.
There’s a fine line there.

There you have it. The top five body language cues that will
make you look and feel confident. Go out and use them!
FOUR:

DECODING THE HIDDEN

MESSAGES OF DATING

T HE IMPORTANCE OF understanding body

language in the dating scene cannot be
understated. Did your date this weekend turn
out to be the romantic occasion you thought it
would be? Or were you counting the seconds
until it was over? In this chapter, we will dive
into the hidden messages of dating, providing
you with valuable signs that you were most
likely not aware of, or thought to look for.
In high school, a friend of mine asked a
classmate out on a date. That Friday night, they
went to Big Ed’s Pizza and saw a movie. He
called the next morning with awesome news.
“We had a blast. She’s kind of shy and she didn’t
eat much, but I had her laughing during the
whole movie. It couldn’t have gone better!”
Later, I got another call from the best friend
of the girl my friend went out with. “What’s up
with your buddy?” she asked. “What do you
mean?” “Lisa told me she and Bill went to Big
Ed’s and he would not stop talking. She couldn’t
get a word in edgewise. And he ate almost all of
the pizza. Then he talked through the entire
movie!”
Here’s a perfect example of two people
misunderstanding each other’s body language
and behavior. He liked her, but he was so
nervous he couldn’t shut up. She liked him at
first, but she thought he wasn’t interested
because he talked so much and wouldn’t listen
when she tried to talk. Both had good intentions.
However, misreading each other’s body
language cost them what could have been an
awesome date. (They tried again in college, got
married, and now have two little girls. True
story.)
HOW TO READ WHEN THINGS ARE GOING WELL
There are many nonverbal ways that humans broadcast their
interest in one another. For example, what’s the first thing you
would do if I asked you to show the person sitting across the table
that you’re attracted to them? I’ve got $1000 that says you’d smile.
If that person across the table finds you attractive or if they are
the least bit intrigued, they are going to show you a few cues to let
you know how they feel. A woman will most likely pull her hair
behind one ear and make sure the side of her neck is visible. You’ll
probably get a good look at her wrists as well. Something else you
might see is her nostrils flaring just a little bit. Her brain is trying to
locate some of your pheromones in the air to get an idea of what
your scent is like.
Your eyebrows will most likely go up as you nonverbally
indicate you’d like a response of some sort from her. Your pupils
will also dilate as you try to take in as much of her visually as you
can, and you’re going to stare a little bit. Not that creepy stare of
stalkers in the movies and TV shows, but the long gaze executed
just right that lets her know you’re very interested in her. She’s
going to gaze right back at you the very same way, although she
may break eye contact before you.
Her lips may begin to look a bit red as the blood flows to her
cheeks, lips, and brow. You’ll probably take in a deep breath before
you even realize you’re doing it. Your nostrils will flare a little,
because your brain is now looking for her pheromones to give you
an idea of her scent.
During this time, you should start paying attention to the
number of breaths she is taking. Is her breathing speeding up or
slowing down? If she’s attracted to you, her breaths per minute will
increase and you will begin to notice a few deeper breaths as well.
Her smile will still be there, but it will be smaller. Then it will go
back and forth from smaller, to a bit larger, to a bit smaller, to a bit
larger. This is good. She’s thinking.
 Now see if she has moved her hands or arms so that they are
positioned similarly to yours. If she has, that’s a great sign. If she
hasn’t? Then you can casually move your hands, then your arms,
into similar positions as hers. Here’s where you’re going to learn
how interested she really is. After a couple of minutes, if she
positions her hands and arms so they are similar to yours, you can
feel confident things from this point on are going to go very well.
You’ve seen the nonverbals that show you her brain is reacting to
you and wants to get to know you better. Now, let’s get into some
details . . .
01: HEAD TILTED EXPOSING NECK
In this chapter, we will dive into the hidden messages of dating,
providing you with valuable signs you most likely were previously
not aware of to look for.
The tilted head exposing the neck is one of the first nonverbal
cues you’ll notice when a woman is attracted to someone. As we
talk about the head tilt in a dating situation, it’s important to note
that humans secrete pheromones to help attract a mate. One of the
common ways the body releases pheromones is through sweating.
By exposing her neck, not only is she subconsciously saying she is
vulnerable, but she is also saying, “Check out these pheromones!”
The head and neck are prone to heating up and lightly sweating as
the woman becomes aroused.
When the person the woman finds attractive is attracted to her,
that person will also begin secreting more pheromones than usual.
When thinking of pheromones, think of them almost like chemical
messengers relaying the intentions of one aroused person to
another. There’s much more going on with pheromones and how
we react to them than can be covered here, but it’s important you
get the basics so you’ll at least be familiar with how they fit into
understanding human behavior.

02: BLINK RATE SLOWS

When someone asks you to look at something, to focus on it because
they have a question about it, your blink rate slows. Not a great deal,
but it is noticeable. When you’re watching a movie and someone is
sneaking up behind the star of the movie with a knife, your blink
rate slows as well.
Why does this happen? When excited, your brain wants to see
as much of whatever it is you’re looking at as it possibly can. The
same goes for when you’re attracted to someone. Your brain says,
“Hang on a second. This person appeals to me in every way. I want
a really good look at them. There are some things I’d like to know.”
In the example picture, the woman isn’t just looking at her date;
she’s taking in every move they make, everything they’re wearing,
and everything they say, because her brain has become aroused. At
the same time, her brain is sifting through that information, trying
to verify what she is feeling and making sure the potential mate is
not a threat.
03: BEDROOM EYES
When it comes to dating and romance, the eyes are infamous.
Crooners sing about them in love songs, poets write about them in
sonnets, and they are often the most mysterious highlight of an
artist’s painting.
When you hear the term “Bedroom Eyes,” it’s being used in a
specific context, usually a sexual context. It refers to a specific look
some women try to recreate with makeup to help mimic the look of
a woman’s eyes when she is sexually aroused. When the eyes are
nearly half closed or heavy lidded and the pupils are also dilated,
that is Bedroom Eyes. That is what you’re seeing in the example.
Research tells us that when the same makeup styling that
creates Bedroom Eyes for women is instead used on a man, the
result looks so odd and out of character for what men’s eyes look
like during sexual arousal that women find this very unattractive
and somewhat scary. If you’re trying to decide if your date finds you
attractive or not, take a closer look at their eyes.
04: FLUSHED CHEEKS
Cartoonists and digital artists are some of the best readers of body
language and nonverbal cues on the planet. Why are they so good at
translating human behavior into drawings? Because when they’re
not drawing, they’re watching the way people behave in every
situation you can possibly imagine. They are literally studying the
body language of everyday people. They’re experts.
For example, when you’re watching a cartoon and you see the
girl mouse meet the boy mouse for the first time, there are several
things you can tell me right now that are about to happen. The first
thing she’s going to do is start batting her eyes. After that? She’ll
clasp her fingers together and push her wrists and palms outward
and down a little bit. And after that? Her head will tilt to the side.
Last but not least, her cheeks will blush.
Blushing cheeks denote embarrassment and sometimes anger.
They can also indicate sexual arousal and attraction. When you see
this on your date’s face and cheeks, things are going really well.
05: STEADY EYE GAZING
A predator, human or animal, will keep its eyes on its prey no
matter what the prey does or where it goes. It will follow and, when
the time is right, attack. On the other hand, you have the non-
predator human. On a date—and this goes for everyone—if the
woman finds her date attractive, she’ll keep a steady eye on them.
Not because she thinks they’re going to attack her, but because her
brain wants to keep taking in as much information about the
potential mate as it possibly can. Is the subject she’s talking about
interesting to him? Is the potential mate in a good mood?
The date will be looking at her, too. He’ll be thinking the same
things. Their eyes will meet and their brains will tell them, “This is
good. You’re connecting with this person. Keep doing it.” Keep in
mind, if the steady eye gazing behavior starts too early by either
participant, it’s going to give the other a creepy feeling. It’s one of
those things you have to ease into naturally.

06: LEANING FORWARD

There are many ways humans show they are attracted to or are
interested in another person, especially in a dating scenario. You’ll
likely see and hear some if not all of the things we’ve already
discussed, and there are a few others that aren’t as noticeable that
you’ll probably see as the date progresses. For example, the leaning
forward we see in the picture. Some might say, “Ah, he’s using the
table as a barrier by leaning toward it like that.” You can
understand why they may say that, but let’s look closer.
If he wanted to distance himself from his date, he would just sit
straight up with both hands and arms on the table acting as barriers
as well. By doing that, he would be adding even more space
between them. However, when he leans forward, he’s closing the
distance between himself and the other person. Subconsciously,
he’s trying to get as close to the potential partner as he can. Notice
his head is pushed forward just a bit as well. The date has his
complete attention.

07: SPACE BETWEEN FINGERS

When a person is angry, worried, or anxious, there are several hand
cues they may exhibit. As their anger grows, a person will most
likely clinch their dominant hand into a fist, as though they are
preparing to throw a punch. The worried and/or anxious person
will exhibit the classic hand-wringing cues, rubbing their hands
together or rubbing the right hand’s palm with the left hand’s
thumb. They may put one, two, three, or all four fingers and thumb
in one hand and squeeze them.
At the other end of the spectrum, when someone is relaxed,
their hands are prone to relax, as in the picture. Even though they
are holding a cup of coffee, there is plenty of space between the
fingers. When you see this, it suggests that the person is not worried
or stressed. When the space goes away, something has changed,
signifying there’s an issue. Sometimes it goes away slowly and
sometimes it goes away quickly, depending on the situation. Look
for this cue not only on dates, but in meetings as well.

08: SHOULDER DOWN AND FORWARD

For the same reasons we discussed “leaning forward” previously,
this nonverbal cue is an important one. The difference in the two is
this: He’s so interested in his date that he doesn’t realize he’s
moving even closer by pushing his shoulder forward. At the same
time, this positions his body at an angle to his potential partner’s.
This is good for his date because the other person’s brain will see he
isn’t squaring off with them as he continues trying to get closer and
his movement will be seen as less of a threat.
In situations where tension and tempers are running high, at
first you will see the two people arguing stand with their shoulders
and legs squared off to each other, like the gunfighters in old
movies. It’s an aggressive stance. That’s why, when you meet
someone for the first time, it’s good to shake hands and then
sidestep just a little and slightly angle your body position versus
theirs. The other person’s brain will relax a bit knowing that your
body language says, “I’m a friend. I like you.”
09: LOWERED TONE OF VOICE
Voice tone plays an important role when persuading others to do
what you want them to do. If a person’s voice is high-pitched, shrill,
and loud, that lets others know something’s wrong. If their voice is
in a normal range and isn’t at an increased volume, others
immediately get the feeling that everything is fine. What about your
tone of voice on a date? We know that, by lowering your voice tone
and volume, two things will happen:

1. The other person will come a little closer to try and hear you
better. They may lean in a bit or even scoot their chair closer.

2. The lowered voice tone will make the other person’s brain
release oxytocin.

Oxytocin is the bonding chemical that floods a new mother’s

brain when she holds her baby for the first time. It’s the tone Barry
White uses in his love songs. When you lower your voice tone, it
indicates you are trying to create a bond with the other person.
However, if you lower it too much, it sounds creepy.
10: LEG JIGGLING UNDER TABLE
Most people are under the impression that a jiggling leg under the
table is bad news, especially on a date. It’s believed that the person
jiggling their leg is lying, nervous, scared, and/or a myriad of other
things. It can mean all of those things. However, you must take the
behaviors you’re seeing and put them in context with what’s
happening in that specific situation in real time.
If we look at the other behaviors exhibited in the example
picture, we can feel confident with deciding he’s in no way a threat.
The jiggling leg was most likely triggered by his excitement at
being on a first date
On the other hand, if his leg wasn’t jiggling and his date asked
him a question about his history or background—for example,
“Have you ever been in trouble with the law?”—and his leg started
jiggling, then there is cause to ask more questions around that
subject. By the same token, if his leg was jiggling and after that
question it stopped? His date better ask more questions about that
subject.

HOW TO USE POSITIVE BODY

LANGUAGE ON A DATE
A date is an organic group of presentations, especially a first
date. Both participants put their best qualities on display
during their time together. Person A will sit up a little straighter
and speak with a stronger, lower voice. Person B will often try
to look impressed by what Person A says or does. Whatever
one presents, the other will find fascinating. As long as this
psychological ping-pong game remains in motion, things will
go well.
As the dating ritual continues, participants can do things to
look and feel more confident. For many, the less they move,
the more mature and in control they appear. For others, the
 more they keep eye contact and look relaxed, the more in
control they appear. When questions arise, sometimes it’s hard
not to just blurt something out. To give the impression every
word in the question is important, the one answering should
pause just for half a moment before answering. Doing so gives
the impression that the question has been given some thought.
It may not sound like a big deal, but it’s huge.
The participants shouldn’t be afraid to invade the other’s
space. I don’t mean one should just reach out and put their
hands on the other. Just walk a little closer to the other person.
There should be no fear of leaning toward the other a little bit
when sitting together if it’s a movie date, when standing
together if it’s a social engagement, or when waiting to cross
the street together. If things are going well, there will be no
problem at all with this little bit of space-invading.

CHECK, PLEASE! HOW TO KNOW WHEN YOUR

DATE ISN’T GOING WELL
We all have at least one funny story about being on a date that
didn’t go well. Maybe you knew it was doomed after the first five
minutes. Maybe you knew ten minutes after you got to the
restaurant. Or maybe you watched it slowly unravel right in the
middle of your entrée. Whatever the timeline, there are probably a
few cues you didn’t realize you were seeing that would have told
you things were heading south fast. Let’s go over a few of the more
common tells you may have missed that will let you know when
things are going poorly.
At first, you may have noticed an uncomfortable smile but you
didn’t think much of it. You know the one. It was a little too big,
there were no teeth showing, and the eyes were “dead.” It stayed
that way for a few seconds, but you kept watching. Just before it
went away, you saw the bottom lip curl inward just a little, followed
by the upper lip curling the same way. Then you saw, ever so
quickly, just for a fleeting moment, the lips pursing to one side. Oh
no . . . These were all telltale signs letting you know that your date
was crashing on takeoff.
Next, you may have noticed that eye contact was sparse. It was
there, but it didn’t connect for long at all. When it did, it was
uncomfortable. At this point, both hands were probably under the
table. Then again, maybe just one was under while the other was
clumsily fidgeting with a wine glass or a fork. You kept asking great
questions, but the answers always came back in short sentences
with the head nodding a bit too long, and those lips kept doing that
curling-and-pursing-to-the-side thing. Then you noticed there were
no questions coming back your way, so you began feeling like an
interrogator.
There were a few long pauses between your questions, and your
date’s hands were both on the table. One was on top of the other and
there was no space at all between their fingers. Then, their posture
slowly turned into a semi-slouch, beginning to resemble
Quasimodo’s posture as he headed for the stairs of the bell tower.
Even though you tried your best to remain engaged, your date kept
checking the room and slyly trying to get a look at what was going
on behind you.
I’ll bet it wasn’t long after that when your date said something
like, “Excuse me, I need to find the restroom.” After ten minutes or
so, you probably thought to yourself, “Hmmm . . . Maybe the
restroom is at that gas station across the street.” Then you spotted
your date across the room on the way back to your table as they put
their phone away. This is probably when you began to panic as it
dawned on you that this date had not only crashed, but it had been
burning on the runway for the last 30 minutes.
01: SINGLE RAISED EYEBROW
Eyebrows cue you in on a myriad of emotions. When dating, you
want to see both eyebrows of the other person raising to let you
know they’re listening and engaged. When you tell that story about
the time your dog ran away, you’ll be looking for the eyebrows to be
pulled together toward the middle to show your date is identifying
with you emotionally.
When you tell that story about the time you won $100 in the
lottery, you’ll be hoping to see their eyebrows way up while they
smile. As you talk back and forth, you can get a fairly good read on
how things are going by the amount of, and the different kinds of,
eyebrow movement you see.
In this example, we see the one thing you don’t want to see: the
head tilted to one side while one eyebrow is pulled upward and the
other eyebrow is pulled slightly downward. This indicates the
person is feeling doubt and/or uncertainty about the other person or
the subject being discussed.
02: SLOUCHED POSTURE
When you see comfort between two people on a date, quite often
you’ll notice mirroring. For example, if one person is leaning to the
right, the other will lean that way as well. If one puts both elbows
on the table out in front, it won’t be long before the other mimics
that same behavior.
Not only will you see mirroring in smaller cues, you’ll see them
writ large in the legs and torso. The torso plays an important role
here as it is shaped by the person’s posture. When we are paying
close attention, our posture will be fairly straight and sometimes
quite rigid. Posture can indicate respect as well as disdain.
In the example, we see a slouched posture that denotes
boredom, and it’s probably an unconscious show of disrespect. If the
date were going well and the woman displayed this posture, it
would be likely that the man would be displaying the same or a
similar posture. Her slouching, combined with everything else her
body language is screaming at us, lets us know this date is almost
over.
03: THUMB AND FOREFINGER SLIGHTLY
PRESSED AGAINST FACE
Quite often, you will see this behavior without realizing it. It’s
triggered by anything from stress to excitement, by something good
or something bad. One thing is for sure when you see it:
Something’s up.
In the picture, we see the woman with her thumb and index
finger pushing against her cheek and temple. This suggests she’s
stressed from listening to and being with someone she is not the
least bit attracted to. As she tries to remain patient, you may
observe other cues of her impatience or unease as well.
Joe Navarro calls this specific behavior “Facial Denting.” It
describes what it looks like when someone is pushing in on the side
of their face or mouth with a finger, or even a pen or a pencil. As
with all pacification cues, Facial Denting helps relieve the built-up
tension and/or stress caused by everything from watching a
sporting event to watching your child perform for the first time in a
school play. You may also see it when someone is in deep thought
or making an important decision.
04: ONE SIDE OF UPPER LIP SLIGHTLY
RAISED
Although Charles Darwin first suggested in the late 1800s that
facial expressions of emotion are the same (universal) everywhere
in the world, it was Paul Ekman and his team of scientists in the
late 1960s and early 1970s who proved that there were at least seven
universal expressions that exist everywhere around the world:

1. ANGER

2. HAPPINESS

3. SADNESS

4. DISGUST

5. FEAR

6. SURPRISE

7. CONTEMPT
Each expression uses specific facial muscles. The expression we
see on the woman’s face in the picture is Contempt. The upper lip
pulled up on one side is the telltale sign. Sometimes it can be seen
by everyone in the room, and sometimes it’s so subtle and it comes
and goes so quickly that you would need a magnifying glass and a
slow-motion camera to catch it. If you see this facial expression on
your date, you might as well ask for the check. The date’s been over
for a while and you just found out.

05: ARM CREATING BARRIER

I got a call from a group of venture capitalists who told me they had
invested $2.2 million in a startup and things just didn’t seem right.
They asked me to talk to the CEO and see whether I felt they
should be concerned. I met with the CEO in an attorney’s office.
When I began asking what was happening with the investors’
money, he took a drink of coffee and put the cup on the table
between us. As we continued to talk for a little over an hour, he put
a pen and pad of paper between us.
By the time the meeting was over, he had put one of those big
conference phones, his phone, and his watch on the table between
us. Why would he exhibit such bizarre behavior? He was trying to
separate himself from me. He was uncomfortable because I was
asking valid questions he couldn’t answer. In the example picture,
we see the woman behaving similarly. She’s using her arm as a
barrier to help put space between her and her horrifically boring
date.

06: EYELIDS CLOSED FOR TOO LONG

When presented with something we find offensive, gross, or
unpleasant, we may instinctively close our eyes to block out what
we’re seeing. Sometimes we’ll even put our hands up and cover our
eyes to put more distance between us and the object of our disgust.
We may also do that when given bad news. This behavior is
referred to as—you guessed it—Eye Blocking. That’s what’s
happening in the example picture. The guy is keeping his eyes
closed a little too long when blinking because he doesn’t like his
date. Not even a little bit.
In fact, people who have been blind their entire lives will put up
their hands to block their eyes when given bad news or told a
graphic joke. Some will even block them when they hear a
description of a vulgar scene or situation. Researchers have no idea
why this behavior is so universal. It isn’t a learned behavior, since
they for sure haven’t seen anyone doing it. This is one of those cases
where the nature versus nurture discussion and human behavior
get really interesting.
07: SELF-GROOMING OR PREENING
When things are going well, there’s nothing wrong with self-
grooming or preening. If you see the person you’re meeting with
straighten their tie or brush off their dress or pants when you enter
the room, this can be taken as a sign that they respect and/or
admire you. It lets you know they are making themselves as
presentable as possible and trying to make the best impression.
However, there are times when self-grooming and preening are
not good. If you’re in court standing in front of a judge and she asks,
“How do you plead?” and you answer, “Not guilty” while pulling a
hair off the sleeve of your shirt or brushing something off of your
shoulder, you just let her know you have no respect whatsoever for
her, the robes, or the court.
In this example, we see the man pulling or brushing lint from
his lapel while at the same time answering his date’s question. He’s
not looking at his date. Not only does this indicate disrespect, it
flaunts that disrespect.
08: YAWNING
Most people are under the impression that yawning indicates a
singular, specific meaning: that the person is sleepy or tired. There
are times when that is the proper connotation. However, it is not
true in every situation.
A yawn accomplishes several tasks for the human body. For
example, if you find yourself in a situation where tension and/or
stress is beginning to build, you may yawn unexpectedly. As your
muscles tighten and your body becomes a little stiff, your brain may
decide you need a shot of oxygen and it will trigger a yawn.
Sometimes, when children get a little overheated, they will yawn
because that rush of air through the mouth, down the throat, and
into the lungs helps lower their body’s temperature.
In this example, the man indicates his disinterest in what his
date is talking about by yawning. He’s not doing it on purpose. He’s
just becoming bored from sitting and not moving. If you were asked
to sit and listen to a podcast about a subject you had no interest in
whatsoever, after seven to nine minutes, you’re going to yawn.

09: RIGID POSTURE

A rigid posture can indicate many things. If you’re on a roller
coaster, your posture will become extremely rigid during the ride
up to that first drop. That’s normal. You can’t help it. You’re bracing
yourself because your limbic system is on fire. Likewise, if you were
told someone just ran up and grabbed your mother’s purse, your
posture would become rigid as your anger climbed from 0 to 100 in
a few short seconds.
Quite often, when we find ourselves in a stressful social
situation, the muscles in our back and neck will begin to tighten.
This happens while our brain attempts to maintain an air of
normality while running scenarios of the quickest ways to bring the
predicament to a close. When we put together all the nonverbal
cues we’ve seen in this situation, it becomes obvious he’s not into
this date at all. Theoretically, if the date was going well, his posture
should mimic hers or hers should mimic his. That’s not happening
here, and it’s probably a sign that this match isn’t meant to be.

10: FEET POINTED TOWARD THE DOOR

One of the many things Navy SEALs are taught about human
behavior is how to spot the leader of a group by looking at the feet of
those in the group. You can do this, too, by taking note of which
person most of the feet in the group are pointed towards. That
person is the focus of the group. That’s who they are interested in
and who they will listen to. That person is most likely the leader or
alpha of the group. A person’s feet point toward who or what they
are interested in.
If you’re at a party and a guy is talking to you and your best
friend with his feet pointed toward you and not her? You can bet
he’s more interested in you. If his feet are pointed toward the door?
He wants to, or is desiring to, leave soon. In the example picture, the
woman’s feet are pointed at the door, not at her date. For her, the
date is over and she wants to leave.

HOW TO CHANGE YOUR BODY

LANGUAGE TO IMPROVE THE DATE
Turning a dating situation from bad to good isn’t as tough as
you might think. I know because I train new interrogators how
to persuade suspects they’re interrogating to like them. Why
would they want to do that?
Think about this: What four words can a suspect say to end
the interrogation? You guessed it. “I want a lawyer.” For that
reason, you must persuade the suspect to like you or at least
feel comfortable with you, so they’ll want to stay. You want their
brain to fire off oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine. Those are
the bonding chemicals known as the “Happy Hormones.”
Here’s how you can do it, using what you’ve learned so far.
Take your time going through these steps.
IN SCENARIO 1, YOU’RE THE WOMAN:

→ When your date is talking, take a semi-deep breath and

slowly begin to smile that slow and tiny smile we talked
about earlier. When you smile, the mirror neurons of your
date’s brain will fire and they’ll smile back. Slowly tilt your
head to the side a bit and turn on those Bedroom Eyes we
talked about. Pull your hair back behind your ear, even if
you have short hair. Look down at the table and slowly
back up at them. You’ll know this is working when you see
their eyebrows go up. This may take a few minutes, but
trust me. I’ve seen it work a thousand times.
IN SCENARIO 2, YOU’RE THE MAN:

→ When your date is talking, tilt your head forward a little

and make eye contact as you load that slow and tiny smile.
Your date’s mirror neurons will fire, so they’ll smile a little.
Nod your head a bit, like you’re listening. Try not to move
much. Let them see that they have your complete
attention. When it’s your turn to talk, lower your voice tone
just enough to be noticeable. When your date’s eyebrows
go up, or if they’re doing the things in Scenario 1, you’ve
officially turned things around.
FIVE:

TRANSLATING BODY
LANGUAGE IN A JOB
INTERVIEW

J OB INTERVIEWS ARE INFAMOUS FOR

rattling nerves and creating stressful
situations. That’s why it’s of the utmost
importance to understand body language and
nonverbal behavior, not just from the
interviewer’s perspective but from the
interviewee’s perspective as well, because the
chances of both participants misunderstanding
the body language of the other are extremely
high.
For example, ten minutes into the interview,
the interviewee may let out a big breath with a
sigh. The interviewer notices this and thinks,
“This person seems bored. How disrespectful!”
However, in reality, the interviewee is finally
relaxing and feeling good about how things are
going and unconsciously lets out a sigh of relief.
Then the candidate notices a frown popping up
and disappearing quickly from the interviewer’s
face and thinks, “Oh no! They don’t like me!
This isn’t going well!” Their face shows a slight
expression of fear as they adjust in their seat to
help pacify themselves, and keep their nerves
calm.
The interviewer sees this and believes it to
be insecurity about the topic they are currently
focusing on. The interviewer thinks, “Okay . . .
There it is. This candidate has no idea how to
put together a TPS report. I’ll cut this short and
get on to the next interview.” The next thing you
know, the interviewee is walking to their car
asking themselves, “What happened?
Everything was going great, then it just turned
completely around. I knew I shouldn’t have
worn this jacket . . .” The interview is over. The
candidate doesn’t get the job. And neither
person has any idea what really happened.
HOW TO KNOW WHEN A JOB INTERVIEW IS
GOING WELL
There’s nothing like going to a job interview and crushing it. But
have you ever been to one that you thought went horribly wrong,
yet you got the job? Why does that happen? It happens because the
nonverbal cues that tell us all is well slip right by us. The key to
understanding body language in a job interview situation is paying
attention from the very beginning of the meeting. This is when the
interviewer is in the most neutral setting. Any variation from these
behaviors will stick out.
When the interviewer asks you the first question, look for their
head to tilt to one side just a bit. How about their ears? Is one turned
just a touch toward you? Are they nodding a little every few
sentences or so? What about their eyebrows? Are they in the up
position? If you see all of these cues, that’s good. They are telling
you they’re listening, paying attention, and wanting to know more.
Not long from now, those eyebrows will pull together and up in the
middle. The interviewer is thinking. This is good, but only if their
head remains tilted. It’s going to straighten up in a minute or two,
but you want that initial conversational answer to be received with
a wide-open set of nonverbals that tell you all is well.
To test the waters a little bit here, you’re going to want to smile.
Not a big smile, but a slow and tiny smile. The one that begins very
tiny and gradually grows to small. Don’t smile a big smile. It will
look odd and out of place. You want it to start slow, so when their
mirror neurons fire off, she’ll mirror a small smile. This will trigger
a positive emotion for the interviewer, and they will feel good about
you and have no idea why. (This is an old interrogation trick.)
When things are going well, you may see them lean forward a
bit. They want to move closer because they’re beginning to like you.
If you’re close enough, you may see their pupils dilate. This
happens when we see something we find interesting or when we
find something or someone we’re attracted to. They see you as an
asset to the company, so they find you very interesting. Hopefully,
they’re going to cross their arms and maybe even touch their face. It
can’t get any better than this. These cues combined let you know
that they’ve got some heavy inner dialogue going on. The
interviewer is still listening, but they’re thinking of some questions
that aren’t on their list, because they see potential here.
 Can you see their feet? Which way are they pointing? If they’re
pointed at you, that indicates you’ve got their full attention. Our feet
point toward the person or place we are concerned with or
interested in. As their arms uncross, if they go to the desk and they
prop up on their elbows just a bit with their hands clasped in front
of them, the interviewer most likely has one question left and it’s a
good one. Hopefully, it will be “So, when can you start?”
01: HANDS LIGHTLY CLASPED
We hear so much about hands when learning about interpersonal
communication due to the important role they play. Hands show us
how emphatic or relaxed a person’s illustrators are. They show us a
variety of adaptors, cluing us in on the stress level and mindset of
the person we’re observing. Hands can even be used as barriers.
The example picture shows us what might be mistaken for a
barrier, as it does in fact look similar to someone trying to distance
themselves. However, there are a few things that let you know this
person is showing interest, not stress or a need to create distance
between themselves and the other person.
The most important thing is the lightly clasped hands. There is
plenty of space between the fingers, suggesting that the person is
relaxed. It also shows us a relaxed form of steepling that suggests
this person is confident and in charge. Even though the arms and
lightly clasped hands look like barriers, the hands are angled back
toward the interviewer and under the chin. This suggests focused
interest on the interviewee.

02: SMALL PLEASANT SMILE

A big smile from the job interviewer is a good sign if, and only if, it
doesn’t stay for the entire interview. If it stays the whole time,
something is wrong with that person mentally or they know you
won’t be back and they’re being nice. You won’t see that scenario
often, but when you do, you might as well thank them for their time
and leave.
You do want to see the big smile when you first meet and then
again when you’re leaving. The rest of the time you want to see a
small but pleasant smile, nothing overbearing or “too much.” That
smile will let you know they’re engaged, listening, and interested in
you.
If that smile goes away for a few minutes every now and then,
that’s actually good. They’re focusing on you and what you’ve said
at that point. When they’ve taken in that information and/or made
a decision about it, the small pleasant smile will return. By the same
token, you want to wear a small and pleasant smile throughout the
meeting as well.

03: HEAD NODDING

One of the telltale signs of a good listener is head nodding. It lets us
know the listener is taking everything in. When their head is
nodding along with the small and pleasant smile we just talked
about, you’ve got a powerful combination of nonverbal cues that let
you know you’re in charge right now.
Also, when you see their head nodding, nod your head just a bit.
That may be the most natural mirroring situation you’ll ever find
yourself in. When you’re both nodding, you’re agreeing. This is a
potent tool when creating a relationship with a possible employer.
Plus, it’s going to give you a little more time to talk, since it helps
keep them in listening mode.
Don’t nod the whole time. Nod almost as if your nod is helping
power their nod and it’s giving them energy to keep nodding. You’ll
have to do it two or three times to get the timing right. When you
do, you’ll be surprised at how open they are for the rest of the
interview.

04: RELAXED POSTURE

When two friends are seated at a table in a coffee shop, you’ll see
relaxed postures. They will be leaning inward with their upper
torsos lowered slightly and their elbows and/or forearms on the
table. They’re displaying comfort, whereas slouching displays
discomfort and boredom.
They’re taking turns listening and talking. That’s the look you
want to see from the other side of the table during your job
interview. You may feel this posture is a dismissive behavior.
Maybe it’s the interviewer’s way of showing they really don’t care
about what you’re talking about. Nope. Don’t confuse this relaxed
posture with slouching. You’ll see exactly what I’m talking about
with the interviewer in the example picture.
When the posture is slouched, everything else will look wilted as
well. The interviewer will be bent to one side or have their hands in
their lap, with shoulders down, head tilted back, and pushing the
chin forward. The relaxed posture looks and feels pleasant, with
visible hands and that small, pleasant smile we talked about earlier.

05: BODY PULLED CLOSE TO TABLE

We talked about the use of barriers as we saw President Clinton
leaning so close to the podium that he could almost push it over
with his stomach. We’re seeing something similar in the example
picture. However, the interviewer isn’t using the table as a barrier.
This is a good sign.
When you’re being interviewed and the interviewer scoots as
close to the table as they can get while still remaining relaxed, they
are very interested in you and in what you have been saying. The
move won’t happen all at once. You’ll see their arms move to the
top of the table. As you keep talking, you’ll see them lean in a bit. To
get more comfortable, they’re going to scoot little by little, closer
and closer to you. The only thing separating them from you is the
table.
When you notice this, you’re going to think, “I should move
closer to them.” Don’t. You’re doing fine. Let them do the moving. If
you lean in, they may realize you’re moving toward them and
things could take a turn for the awkward.
06: HEAD TILTED SLIGHTLY FORWARD
The proper head tilt can denote anything from physical attraction to
showing you’re ready to receive an answer to your question. In an
interview, you may notice the interviewer’s head tilt back just a bit
as they ask a question. After that, their head may tilt to the side a
little. That’s the cue that lets you know they’re ready and waiting
for your answer. It’s totally normal. However, if you tilt your head
back when you answer, you’re going to resemble an arrogant know-
it-all who’s talking down to the interviewer.
As you answer, hopefully you’ll see the interviewer’s head go
from tilting back to a light tilt to one side. When you see that, you’ve
got her undivided attention. Then we have the forward tilt. The
forward tilt we see in the example lets us know that the interviewee
is giving information they feel is important. There are times when
the forward tilt indicates aggression or even browbeating, but when
it’s executed smoothly, it helps capture and keep the attention of the
person receiving the information.
07: LEGS UNCROSSED
When the interviewee has uncrossed legs with both feet flat on the
floor, not only does this help keep their posture straight, it adds to
the symmetry they’re creating with their elbow anchoring and their
use of illustrators. It also helps give the impression of stability,
focus, and paying attention.
When training people for job interviewing, the first thing I have
them do is sit down as if we’re in the middle of an interview and
show me what they believe the interviewee should look like. I have
them go through everything, from the way they breathe to the way
they leave. I also have them sit across the table from me as if I’m the
interviewer. Then I have them sit in a chair or on a couch and have
them do the same thing.
Sometimes the interviewer will tell you to relax and they’ll say,
“Let’s just talk for a bit.” When that happens, do just that. You can
cross your legs and relax, but it’s still important to maintain
symmetry as much as possible.
08: DIRECT EYE CONTACT
Direct eye contact lets the interviewer know you’re confident and
have no problem talking face-to-face. Maybe you’ve heard “When
he talks to you, it’s like you’re the only person in the room.” That’s
because the person they’re talking to uses direct eye contact the
correct way.
Do it the wrong way and you might make the person you’re
talking to feel uncomfortable. What’s the wrong way? Not breaking
eye contact, holding your gaze too long, and not blinking very often.
Constant direct eye contact with a low blink rate is a pre-violence
cue that makes the other person’s limbic system say, “Hang on a
second . . . Something’s not right here.”
Proper direct eye contact, as seen in the example picture, is
executed with what I call “Soft Eye Contact.” That is maintaining
eye contact, pulling your eyebrows upward every now and then to
show the “I’m listening” cue, and breaking eye contact and blinking
when it’s appropriate. This may not sound important, but when
executed the right way, direct eye contact makes all the difference
in the world.

09: OPEN-HANDED GESTURING AND

BODY SYMMETRY
Whether you’re talking to one person or 1,500 people, open-handed
gesturing is a powerful tool. In the example picture, we see this
gesturing used to make the interviewer’s brain see something it
absolutely loves to see. What is it? Symmetry.
We see it in advertisements, art, nature, and even in some of the
most beautiful and handsome faces in the world. Of the seven
universal facial expressions, all but one is symmetrical—that one
outlier being Contempt.
As the interviewee is answering questions, they use their
illustrators together, in sync, creating a symmetrical picture that
helps keep the interviewer’s attention. Although this can look odd if
you’re not careful, it’s important to create an invisible frame or box
for yourself. Bill Clinton used what’s known as “The Clinton Box.”
Most of his open-handed gestures were used in an invisible box he
created between his chest and navel. Mark Bowden suggests using
something similar that he coined “The Truth Plane,” which is the
horizontal plane right at navel height.

10: ELBOWS ANCHORED TO TABLE

Anchored elbows tell you two things:

1. The person anchoring is confident with the subject being

discussed.

2. They are in control of what’s being related to the other person.

In other words, they are creating a picture with details of the
subject they are explaining or telling the other person.

When a person’s elbows are anchored, it doesn’t mean that they

never move or that the person anchors them as soon as they sit
down. This is one of those things that must be finessed. You’ll
notice that, as they use their open-handed gestures to create
symmetry (as we discussed earlier), they will anchor one elbow, talk
for a bit, and then anchor the other elbow to create a base for their
hands to illustrate from. The picture here shows a great example of
that.
When the elbows are anchored, it’s also the perfect opportunity
to steeple the fingers, and you’ll see that quite often. Not so much as
to look arrogant, but they will steeple enough to add to the other
cues that are showing a degree of solid confidence.

HOW TO KNOW WHEN A JOB INTERVIEW IS NOT

GOING WELL
Have you ever come out of a job interview and thought, “Yes! That
couldn’t have gone any better,” only to find out two weeks later that
somebody else got the gig? What about the opposite? You just knew
things didn’t go well, so you kept looking at other places. Both are
quite common, but the first one hurts. If you’re watching a job
interview, there are several things that will let you know things
aren’t going very well.
Most likely, the first cue you’ll spot is slouching posture. You
can’t miss it. Even at a distance, it stands out like a house on fire.
Noticing the slouched posture is usually followed by the lowered
head. This cue can indicate everything from sadness to defeat. A
person’s head is probably lowered due to their limbic system
protecting their throat. When we feel threatened, we will lower our
head to get our chin in front of the neck so that our aggressor can’t
get to it.
Since you’re already looking at the head, check out the
eyebrows. When they’re pulled toward the middle and up just a bit,
this denotes physical or emotional pain. In this case, you’re seeing
emotional pain.
Let’s move down the face to the mouth. Here’s where you’ll see
one of three things happening with the mouth. The lips will have
completely disappeared, pursed, or they will be pursed to one side.
If the lips are compressed, that is the Stress Mouth we discussed in
chapter 3 and you’re most likely seeing a load of stress. The person
may also be trying to keep their thoughts to themself and not speak.
Maybe the lips are pursed. This is quite common when someone
doesn’t agree with what is happening, what was just said, or what’s
being presented to them. In this case, it’s probably the realization
that the interviewer doesn’t think that the candidate’s the one for
the job. What if the lips are pursed to the side? This suggests that
they see a different outcome to what has just happened or to what is
happening. You’ll see this happen at the golf course when it’s
obvious a putt isn’t going exactly where it should be going. The
golfer’s lips will purse to one side as the ball just grazes the hole.
01: LIPS PURSED TO ONE SIDE
When we observe pursed lips, we can be fairly confident in
assuming that person is in disagreement or has an issue with the
subject matter at hand. The lips pursed to one side suggests
disagreement as well. However, it also suggests that the person sees
a different outcome than what has just happened or is happening in
that moment.
For example, watch someone who is new to bowling. When they
let the ball go and it’s headed for the gutter, you’ll likely see their
lips purse to one side, enough so that it changes the entire look of
their face. In their mind, they see the ball staying in the lane. The
same goes for the pro bowler after they miss an important strike.
The bowler may remain calm, but may purse their lips to the side
for several seconds, having expected a different outcome. In the
example picture, the interviewee feels the interview isn’t going as
well as they had hoped it would go before it began. Hence, lips
pursed to one side.
02: FINGERS CLASPED, THUMBS DOWN OR
HIDDEN
Hands close together with the fingers tightly clasped suggests the
person has very little confidence about the situation they’re dealing
with. When you add the thumbs drawn down or hidden and the
wrists pulled close together, as in the example picture, you’ve got a
cocktail of low confidence, shame, and possibly fear. Not fear
suggesting physical harm, but fear that the chances of saving this
situation are zero.
Tightly clasped fingers may be the last indicator you notice in
the chain of cues leading you to them. Here’s why. When you first
observe this situation—remember, this happens very quickly—you
will look at the head and face. You will register those cues as you
move to the neck, then to the shoulders. You will add those cues to
the facial cues as you sweep down the arms. While measuring and
taking in those cues, you will see the hands. You will add those cues
to the ones you’ve gathered and start making your final decisions,
depending on whether or not you can see the legs and feet.
03: FIDGETING
One thing I train people to look for is which person moves the least
in the meeting or at the table. This goes for board meetings and
lunch meetings, as well as negotiations. This behavior usually
signifies that that person is the alpha or is in a leadership position in
that group. That person’s movements will be intentional and
smooth. This gives them the air of being focused, in control of
themselves, and gives the feeling that they’re the one you need to
pay attention to and listen to.
When you see someone continuously and awkwardly adjusting
in their chair, it suggests they are uncomfortable or are having a
hard time accepting what is being talked about or presented. When
a job interview is not going well, the interviewee is thinking many
things. They’re most likely running different scenarios about what
to do and say next to help fix the situation. They may be thinking
about alternatives to the job the interviewer is talking to them
about. Whatever the reason, it lets the observer know there’s an
issue here.
04: SHOULDERS PULLED FORWARD
If I asked you to look like you’ve been let down or to look depressed,
the first thing you would do is put the classic kid’s frown on your
face, hang your head down, and slump your shoulders forward. Ta-
dah! You look like a six-year-old who can’t have any cookies before
dinner.
When a job interview is going south, you may see this same
thing but to a much lesser degree. This shoulder cue indicates
they’ve lost or are losing their confidence. As their shoulders slump
forward, their torso tends to bend forward and down. You may also
notice something quite odd: They may look as though they’re
slowly getting shorter and shorter. That’s common in a situation
like this. As the interviewee’s confidence grows smaller, they may
slowly begin lowering themselves in their chair.
You’ll also notice less movement from the interviewee and their
answers will grow quieter as the interview continues. With their
shoulders continuing to pull forward and drop, their lack of
confidence will become more and more obvious.

05: CLEARING THROAT

Clearing an itchy throat because there’s something in it is normal
behavior, and it sounds normal. It will be a little loud and the
person may put their hand up to cover their mouth. They might
even say, “Excuse me” or, “Sorry about that.” It may happen again
soon after if the clearing didn’t work, and if it continues, they will
most likely take a drink or ask for some water. We’ve all seen and
been in this situation.
Then you have the throat clearing that indicates stress and/or
nervousness. It’s similar to what you may see and hear when
someone is being deceptive and feels things aren’t going well with
their story. Their throat gets dry and itchy as they begin breathing
deeper and a little heavier, and the clearing becomes more of a
short, muffled bark kind of sound. It’s not as loud as normal throat
clearing and it happens every 15 to 20 seconds or every minute or
so. In this situation, it suggests that the interviewee is nervous and
knows things aren’t going well.

06: PURSED LIPS

In this example, we see pursed lips. As we discussed earlier, this
suggests there is disagreement with what is being said or presented.
We’re all familiar with the pursed lips a child exhibits when angry
or not getting their way, and there’s nothing subtle about it.
However, as we grow older and begin reining in our facial
expressions so as not to let others know exactly what’s on our mind
or what we’re feeling, pursed lips become something you almost
have to specifically look for.
In civil conversations involving uncomfortable subjects, full-
blown pursed lips almost never pop out at us, not enough to notice
anyway. On the other hand, as in the example above, there are
occasions when they are slightly pursed for a short period. Then
there are the occasions when they are pursed for quite a while,
indicating that person is entrenched in their disagreement or
unwillingness to accept the situation. The example here suggests
the interviewer is disappointed and has already made the decision
that this is not the person for her company to hire.

07: BLINK RATE INCREASES

In the situation pictured here, when the interviewer’s blink rate
increases, it most likely suggests that they’ve decided this
interviewee isn’t everything they hoped for and they won’t be
hiring them. As the interviewer’s inner dialogue focuses on who the
next interviewee in line may be, their brain becomes a bit
uncomfortable knowing they must sit there for another few
minutes listening to someone talking and wasting their time. Keep
in mind, this may not be exactly how they feel, and the interviewer
is not preparing to be rude, but they’re finished talking with this
person and are looking for a properly timed conversational “out” to
bring things to a close quickly so they can move on.
Another possible reason for a sudden increase in her blink rate
may be that the interviewee has hit on a subject that’s
uncomfortable for the interviewer and is seeing that person attempt
to control their reaction as they become irritated. Or it could
possibly mean they’ve hit on something very interesting to the
interviewer and they are developing a question or questions to ask
next.
08: UNSTEADY EYE GAZE
The proper use of eye gazing is one of the most powerful skills
anyone can hone. You can make someone angry, doubt themselves,
doubt you, engage with you, keep looking at you, and even tell you
things they hadn’t planned on telling you, all just by looking at
them a certain way.
When you’re being interviewed, the interviewer should be
interested not only in your answers, but in how you answer. They’re
looking for your level of confidence in what they know is a bit of a
stressful situation. If they’re interested, you will notice their blink
rate slow down. They will stay focused on you. Their brain will
want to take in as much information as possible about you as you
answer.
It’s human nature to keep our eyes on whatever it is we’re
interested in. If you notice an unsteady gaze or the interviewer
looking behind you, out the door or window, and/or at their
computer screen or watch every few minutes, something’s up.
09: FLARED NOSTRILS
Most people are under the impression that flared nostrils only
indicate anger and/or aggression. You will definitely see them flare
when the situation grows tense or leans toward possible violence,
but there’s a reason for that. For example, when we watch an
argument, we’ll see flared nostrils. When we watch the Boston
Marathon, we’ll see flared nostrils. When we watch a boxing match,
we’ll see flared nostrils. What does this tell us? It lets us know that
the brain is sending extra oxygen to the muscles to prepare them
for the task at hand.
Quite often, when we see compressed lips or Stress Mouth, we’ll
see flared nostrils as well. That indicates that person is holding back
information. They may want to say something but they know they
can’t or shouldn’t, or they’re waiting for the right moment to speak.
Taking into consideration all of the other cues we’re seeing in the
example, that’s most likely what we’re seeing. The interviewer has
decided that this person doesn’t fit the job description and she’s
waiting for the right time to let her know.
10: HANDS CROSSED HOLDING OBJECTS
This is one of those cues that let you know the interviewer needs
more than they are getting from the interviewee. It’s not a good sign
because they are creating a barrier not only with their hands and
arms, but also with the paper or object they’re holding.
Another important cue we see is the position of the right hand
over the left wrist. When a person feels positive toward or attracted
to the person they’re speaking with, they will often display their
wrists or leave them uncovered. In this situation, we’re not seeing
them displayed, as both of them are hidden.
Also, the interviewer’s arm is extended, placing the paper
further away from them, almost like it’s a bag of dog poop that they
don’t want anywhere near them. Is this the interviewee’s résumé?
If so, this is probably the worst nonverbal cue the interviewer can
exhibit. It suggests they want it as far away from themselves as
possible. This, combined with all of the other negative cues we’ve
seen up this point, suggests this poor interviewee isn’t getting hired
today.
HOW TO KEEP THE INTERVIEW
POSITIVE
If an interview goes bad, you might not realize it until it’s almost
over. Even though you may see many of cues we’ve gone over
that let you know the waters are getting rough, they may not
register in your brain. You must start searching for them at the
beginning of the meeting.
If you see pursed lips, you probably said something the
interviewer doesn’t agree with or sees differently. For example,
you may have said, “ . . . and I always do it that way.” To fix it,
you might add, “But now, my approach is a bit different . . . ” If
the interviewer is using both hands as barriers, use a trick my
BFF, homicide detective Jason Rosalia, taught me. Hand the
interviewer something, anything, to make them use their
hands. It breaks the barrier and you can continue from there.
If you notice flared nostrils, slowly take in a semi-deep
breath and let it out even slower as they talk. Begin your
answer to the question as you turn on that slow and tiny smile.
Their mirror neurons will fire and their nostril flaring will exit as
a small smile enters. (If you remember nothing else about
correcting a bad situation, remember the slow, tiny smile.)
If you notice an increased blink rate, they’re thinking hard
and fast. It’s time to break that train of thought and ask a
question. Choose wisely which question you ask, but ask
. When things are headed south in an interview,
don’t panic. You can turn it around 90 percent of the time.
SIX:

MASTERING THE LANDSCAPE

OF YOUR WORKPLACE

A NY OFFICE ENVIRONMENT contains a

variety of many different personalities and
personality types. For the body language
enthusiast, amateur or pro, it’s the gift that
keeps on giving. The more people there are that
work there, the more wonderful the gift
becomes. You’ve got introverts who must
interact with extroverts. You’ve got the bossy
personality type that talks too loudly to the
grumpy personality type. These situations
always prove to be gold mines for those
interested in nonverbal communication.
One of my favorite situations is the know-it-
all telling the closet genius what they’d do if
they were president of the company. The genius
stands there and listens while showing their
disdain with every nonverbal and facial cue
possible and it goes right over the know-it-all’s
head. Then, there’s the all-around great
employee. They’re a good person but miss the
cues that tell them that their partner on the new
project has no idea what is happening or what
the project is about, then the good employee
blows their top when the partner adds nothing
helpful to the project. If they had known what
the lips pursed to the side and the tilted head
indicated, they wouldn’t have this problem.
Understanding just the basics of nonverbal
communication can make everyone’s office
experience so much more pleasant.
GETTING A SENSE FOR WORKPLACE
PERSONALITIES
There are many different personality types in the workplace. They
vary from company to company, but there’s one thing you can
count on. You’re always going to have four or five of the “classic”
personalities most everyone is aware of. These include the Bore, the
Know-It-All, the Big Personality, the Content Employee, the
Cranky Employee, the Power-Hungry Employee, the Shy Person,
the Agitator, the Friend, the Shallow Friend, and the Gossip,
among others.
Some of these are easy to spot, while others may take a while to
uncover. You’ll most likely discover the Shallow Friend personality
first. They are a combination of a Walmart greeter and the
mailman. They love meeting you, and the greeting you get every
day is cordial and very friendly, but it’s the same and never goes
any further than that. The Know-It-All is my favorite. No matter
what you talk about, bring up, or do, they’re going to know all about
it and they’re going to tell you how to do it better. They’re not bad
people. They just want to help waaaay too much. You’ll see lots of
confidence cues from this person.
Be nice to the Gossip. They will spread any rumor they hear and
do their best to make sure everyone is aware of it. The Power-
Hungry personality will use this person to their advantage as the
Gossip strategically feeds them information they want others to
know or “learn” about themselves or someone else. The Agitator
will use the Gossip in a similar fashion, only to stir things up and
cause discord among others.
The Content personality will be the one you enjoy the most.
They will always be pleasant and have great things to say about
anyone and everyone. They may be a little kinesthetic or touchy-
feely. They’ll be the one to pat your hand or congratulate you with a
hug. They are always smiling and are the equivalent of having a
living flower in the office. The Cranky personality is their opposite.
You’ll notice what I call “Half-Bad Posture.” That means their
posture isn’t the worst, but it’s on its way. They will despise their
nemesis, the Content personality. But that’s okay—they despise
most everything and everyone, so at least they are consistent. In
spite of this, their work will be top-notch and the CEO will tolerate
them because of that.
The Bore will love to talk and tend to focus on things that
interest only themselves. If you don’t spot this person when you
first arrive, you’re going to be in for a couple of horrifically boring
lunches. They will be open and use big hand gestures, yet their
voice will be at a low volume and there will be little or no
excitement in their delivery.
Keep in mind, there’s nothing wrong with any of these
personality types. You just need to know that others experience
them as well and they are in no way unique to your office. Take a
bit of time to reflect on whether or not you fall into one of these
categories . . . because other people are certainly considering it.

THE AGITATOR
In every office or business, there’s always that one troublemaker
known as “The Agitator.” They may not actually be making trouble.
Most of the time, you could more accurately call them the “Problem
Creator.” They’re the one that takes most of the bagels on Friday
mornings and doesn’t refill the coffee maker. Whether they’re
young or old, male or female: There’s always an Agitator.
The Agitator is an observant person. You’ll notice them hanging
around in the back before the meeting starts and they’re usually the
last one to sit down. If there’s food, they’ll be eating throughout the
meeting. Not unlike a shoplifter trying to make themselves smaller
by keeping their hands and arms close and almost hunching over as
they walk, when the Agitator has troublemaking on their mind,
that’ll be the behavior you’ll most likely see from them. You may
also notice that their head remains still as their eyes scan the room.
They’re not going to steal anything. They’re just laying low in case a
troublemaking opportunity presents itself.

THE INSECURE EMPLOYEE

The Insecure Employee will either be one of the first of these
personalities you discover at the office or one of the last. When
there is a situation that causes people to react immediately (such as
a request for a volunteer), if there’s a fire drill, or if there’s an
announcement that there’s birthday cake for everybody in the
breakroom, I always pay attention to the person who reacts or
moves last. Those moments can tell you so much about a person
and their mindset.
The Insecure person doesn’t want attention. You won’t see them
engage in direct eye contact for more time than is absolutely
necessary, and they will almost never touch another person. By
that, I mean they won’t initiate a high-five, they will make sure they
never brush up against someone getting into or out of the elevator,
and they probably won’t introduce themselves to you and offer a
handshake. Their clothing style will be almost drab. However, you
may see a splash of brighter clothing once in a blue moon, when
they are feeling a bit more secure.

THE DISGRUNTLED EMPLOYEE

One of the first things you’ll notice about the Unhappy or
Disgruntled Employee is their lack of involvement in most
everything at work. Their facial expression will often be sullen,
with plenty of compressed and pursed lips. These cues indicate the
employee is holding back regarding what they’re thinking about
saying or doing. Continuously showing up late for work and for
meetings is another set of red flags to look for. The main theme of
conversation will typically focus on how bad the boss or the
company is or how bad the other employees are.
Negativity will flow both verbally and nonverbally. You may
spot them rolling their eyes when the boss or person in charge
speaks, not just to them but to others as well. This employee will
take way too many breaks each day and they will talk too much
about looking for another job or seeking out a better situation.
They’ll talk about their gloomy financial situation. One thing to be
very cautious of is dismissing any kind of talk you may hear from
this person about being violent or hinting about doing something
“everyone will hear about.” These comments should be taken
seriously, and you should go to HR with your concerns
immediately.

THE CONTENT EMPLOYEE

The Content Employee will be pleasant and speak with a pleasant
tone, not just in person but on the phone as well. They will dress in
brighter colors and have a well put-together look. More often than
not, their illustrators will be large. They will be open to
conversation, the themes will be pleasant and positive, and their
stories will usually focus on their family.
The Content Employee will partake early in the bagel and donut
offerings and will often bring cards or treats for special occasions. If
their space is a cubicle, more often than not they will smile before
they turn to look outside of the cubicle. Their eyebrows will be up
and remain up as they scan the work area or meeting room. They
want to connect and talk when it’s appropriate. At lunchtime, they
will be part of a group, no matter whether they stay and eat or go
out for lunch. Their desk and work area will be clean, straight, and
have photos and maybe a plant or two. Their area will also have
decorations for holidays. Expressions of anger or sadness are few
and far between.
THE POWER-HUNGRY EMPLOYEE
You’ll find this office-type to be a rule follower and they’re going to
want you to follow those rules as well. They’ve read the books and
they’re under the impression that they have a pretty good handle on
“leadership.” That’s what makes them tend to be a bit bossy. They
will dress in a similar fashion to the boss. If the boss wears strict
business attire, you can expect the same from the Power-Hungry
employee.
They have no problem with direct eye contact, and you’ll hear
them refer to the boss by name once or twice a day. They will see
themselves as next in line for that big promotion. They may address
everyone in the office as “Mr. ____” and “Miss/Mrs. ____” to sound
professional. You will notice approving smiles and nods when they
say things like “Working hard today?” or “How’s the Johnson
report coming along?” They may even tell you to “Keep up the good
work” after your presentation at the meeting. The easiest way to get
along with the Power-Hungry Employee is to appease their ego.

HOW TO PROJECT CONFIDENCE IN

THE WORKPLACE
There are many types and styles of personalities in the
workplace. Fitting in and getting along with all of them isn’t
impossible, but sometimes this can make things a bit tough,
especially if your confidence is running on the low side.
However, there are body language and nonverbal cues you
can use to solidify your spot as a confident person.

1. EYE CONTACT. This is one of the most potent cues. Don’t be

afraid to make eye contact and keep it when talking to
someone. You’re going to have to break eye contact every
so often, so you don’t look like a psychopath—that’s fine.
Just be sure to connect visually.
 2. SPEAKING VOICE. Be sure you speak loud enough to be
heard clearly. It may seem odd and too loud at first, but
the last thing you want is people asking you to speak up.

3. SMILE. Even if it’s a small smile, it indicates you’re in control

and that everything is okay.

4. OWN YOUR SPACE. One thing I train teachers to look for is

the child who doesn’t look around much. They don’t “own”
the space around them. This denotes shyness and
insecurity. Don’t be afraid to look around the room and
connect with a smile or head nod.

5. TALK TO PEOPLE. Speak to anyone within a 6-foot radius. Try

saying “Hello”, “How are you today?”, or “How are you
doing?” when you speak first and when you’re in charge of
the conversation. People notice this more often than you
think.

There are plenty more cues you can use, but these five will
get you started toward feeling confident in your workplace.

HOW TO INTERPRET A CLIENT PITCH

From 2011 until 2017, I was the Entrepreneur in Residence at the
Nashville Entrepreneur Center. During that time, I trained
hundreds of entrepreneurs to create investor pitches. I still help
entrepreneurs create pitches. To this day, every person I’ve trained
to create an Investable Pitch has been funded, to the tune of $480
million.
The key to the Investable Pitch is the body language the
entrepreneur uses throughout the pitch, and believe me, it’s specific
and tactical. By that, I mean that they engage their body language
tools immediately; even before entering the office of the possible
investor(s).
By that same token, I’m hired by investors and venture
capitalists to watch entrepreneurs pitch and let them know what I
think about the behavior I’m observing. Is the entrepreneur being
honest? Trustworthy? Will they try to do what they say they will?
Do they really believe in the idea, product, or service? When the
entrepreneur reaches the financial section of the pitch, what does
their body language say? Are they comfortable? Are they unsure?
Do they step back a quarter of a step? Does the volume of their voice
change at all? Who do they look at when explaining why these
financials are valid? Do their eyes kick over to the CFO and back?
Do they look at the COO and stay for a moment and then return to
the investors? These are valid questions, and each has its own
meaning.
When the new startup’s CEO first reaches the financial section
of the pitch and steps or leans back, this suggests they are unsure. It
does not mean they are being dishonest. It simply suggests they are
unsure about the financials. That’s why you want to pay attention to
see if they look at anyone specific at that point. If they quickly look
over at the CFO, you’re probably dealing with a situation where
they got the information from the CFO but haven’t actually done
the math themselves. So, it would make sense, if the scenario is as it
seems, that they may be unsure about what they’re telling the
investors about the financials.
Some would say that this situation would be bad for the startup,
but that is not necessarily true. It may be showing you their concern
that they may not be giving you the correct information. You’ll
want to ask questions like “Did you go deep into the financials
yourself?” (Keep in mind, they should have because they’re the
CEO and that’s part of their job, especially when pitching.) If they
say, “I haven’t yet but our CFO, Mike, can answer any questions
you may have in detail.” This indicates they’re being honest. That’s
good.
If the CFO steps up and you begin asking them questions and
they take a quick look at the COO every few minutes, you may have
a situation involving deception on their part. Why are they looking
at the COO? When pitching, there are many nonverbals that will
create trust. There are even more that will destroy that trust. Let’s
take a closer look at both.
01: POSTURE IS STRAIGHT BUT NOT RIGID
Good posture is a must when pitching. However, good posture
doesn’t mean your back is as straight and rigid as a broom handle.
“Good” means “proper,” and there’s no place you want your posture
to be more proper than when you’re trying to convince investors to
invest or when trying to convince those at work to adopt your ideas
or plan.
When you watch an entrepreneur or colleague pitch, you want
them to look relaxed and to feel confident. If they look nervous,
bells and whistles go off in your head and you stop listening. When
their posture is rigid, the rest of their body movements look
insincere and forced.
The key to having straight but not rigid posture during a pitch is
to take the biggest breath you can and hold it. That’s rigid posture.
Let the air out slowly then take a quick in-and-out breath. That’s
straight but not rigid posture. That trick works like a charm every
time.
02: EYEBROWS UP
One of the keys to a successful investor pitch is knowing how to use
your eyebrows correctly. The “Eyebrows Up” cue commands
attention in a subtle way. This is similar to the “Eyebrow Flash.”
That’s what you do when you’re in the grocery store and see
someone three aisles away that you know from work. Your
eyebrows flash up, then back down as your head goes back and
forward in a quick nod. You’re saying, “Hi there! We know each
other!” without saying a word.
During the pitch, the entrepreneur must randomly choose one of
the investors every two minutes or so and Eyebrow Flash them,
without the head nod of course. This makes the investor’s brain say,
“Hey, they know me . . . I guess I know them.” It’s not a conscious
thought, but it puts the suggestion in there and grabs their
attention.
When you see this in a pitch, it indicates the entrepreneur is
trying to connect with you as they pitch you their idea.
03: HEAD STRAIGHT, NOT TILTED
When pitching an idea, the presenter is the one in charge and is
telling those listening the way things are. Tilting the head to one
side is the “I’m listening” cue. There’s a time for the head tilt during
the pitch process. However, during the actual pitch is not that place.
When pitching, the presenter’s head and body must be as
symmetrical as possible. This shows balance and gives the
presenter the air of control and of being in charge. The head tilted
back can be a poison dart to a pitch, as this gives the presenter that
infamous look of arrogance.
When the head is tilted forward, that is usually a display of
aggression or subservience. You want neither of these. The
aggressive attitude is usually met in kind from the investors or from
others in the meeting if it is an idea for your company. Subservience
is the last thing the presenter wants noticed. People want to listen to
and invest in the person in charge, not the person who’s there to
please everyone.
04: OPEN-HANDED GESTURING
We’ve covered hand gestures quite a bit, and now you understand
there’s more to it than just gesturing with your hands open. When
you combine different styles of open-handed gesturing with other
body language cues, you begin to create a powerful combination of
indicators that put you in charge for the duration of the pitch or
presentation.
In a pitch, it’s important to make sure the fingers of the
presenter have some space between them. You’ll remember we
talked about this when we covered how to know when a date is
going well (see here). Space between the fingers lets you know the
presenter is relaxed, not worried, and that they’re prepared. When
there is space between the fingers, there will be space between the
tips of the fingers and the palms as well.
Keep in mind, people don’t think the person who fails to use
open-handed gestures when pitching or presenting is a deviant or a
con, but using open-handed gestures with plenty of space between
the fingers suggests openness and gives off an air of honesty.

05: HANDS GESTURE BETWEEN BELT AND

STOMACH AREA
We talk about hand gestures so much because it’s important to have
an understanding of the many different situations in which you can
use them. When you watch the world’s most persuasive speakers in
action, you’ll see them gesture 80 to 90 percent of the time in the
area between the belt and the stomach. No matter what country or
culture they’re from, they will gesture from this “plane” or “box.”
Why do we feel we can trust the person using this cue? There
are several reasons. They are exposing their stomach and chest
area. This shows they have no weapons, no fear of harm, and
nothing to hide. These movements also follow the symmetrical
“pattern” you want to convey to those watching.
 Consider this: The presenters of TED Talks with the greatest
amount of views all use open-handed gestures almost the entire
time they are speaking. Keep in mind, a pitch is the “Big Game” for
entrepreneurs and presenters, so using persuasive body language
cues—especially open-handed gestures—is their key to a successful
presentation.

HOW TO DECIPHER WHAT’S REALLY BEING SAID

IN YOUR ANNUAL REVIEW
Whether you’ve been on the job for one year or ten years, you’re
going to have an annual review. You want to make sure the reasons
you are there are obvious to the reviewer. There will be plenty of
questions and you will need to decode their nonverbals to
determine what they’re really saying and feeling so you can answer
appropriately.
During the process, there will be questions about mistakes that
you’ve made, usually one in particular. When they ask the question
about the mistake, are they coming in hot by looking you directly in
the eye with no change in the movement of their arms, hands, or
facial expression? If that’s the case, this is a big deal. They’ve braced
themselves and are listening and watching closely for your reaction.
They’re going to have a checklist with a combination of
questions they ask everyone and then questions they’re only asking
you. The questions they’re asking everyone will be the ones they
won’t spend much time on. Those are going to be the yes or no
questions they’ll just check off as you go. Of course, some will
require more detailed answers, but stick with the less-is-more
approach to these questions. With some of these, they may not even
look up. They may literally just check them off and move on to the
next one. It’s the speed with which they ask the question that’s
important in these cases.
 If they ask quickly without looking up, it’s probably not that
important. But if they stare at the question and pause before they
look up to ask it, this one is important. They have quickly run the
scenario they’re going to ask about in their head and they are going
to want a good answer. This is where you use the open-handed
gestures we’ve talked so much about when providing your answer.
You want to remain as still as possible while answering, but not so
still that you look weird or like a statue. You want to look centered,
symmetrical, and in control.
When you finish answering, they’re going to say something like
“Okay” while they nod their head and then move on to the next
question, or their eyebrows will go up and their bottom lip will push
their upper lip up as they nod. This is good. The scenario they ran
through their head before asking the question has played out, they
see what happened, and they accept it. This is when you turn on a
small smile. Doing so will subconsciously solidify the feeling for
them that the subject has come to a close.
You’ll be able to get a pretty good idea of how things really went
by the way they act during your “wrap-up” conversation. If their
comments and asides are short without much eye contact,
something is bothering them. If you get good, clean, eye contact and
you see cues of relaxation, lots of space between the fingers, a real
smile, and a lower tone of voice, you can look forward to next year’s
review.
01: POKER FACE
You’ll see the “poker face” in movies when the hero knows exactly
what to do when the problem arrives. An expressionless look while
presenting relays confidence and gives those watching the feeling
that they are observing someone who knows what they’re talking
about and who can turn their ideas into reality.
However, there is a caveat here. If the presenter shows no
emotion at all, those watching will feel that around the 10-minute
mark. A constant show of no emotion can signal fear. That means
that engaging the slow and tiny smile for 15 to 20 seconds, every 5 to
7 minutes, is imperative. This reminds those watching that the
presenter is human, has emotions, and is approachable.
If the presenter stops talking and just stands there and smiles for
the 15 to 20 seconds, it won’t end well. But if they pause for a second
and begin talking as the tiny smile slowly grows, the mirror
neurons in the brains of those watching will fire and they will begin
to smile and feel that positive emotion as well.
02: BODY FORM IS SYMMETRICAL
The human brain demands to see symmetry in a leader. When a
presenter stands straight, feet shoulder-width apart, the arms
illustrating evenly, and with the head straight, they are spot-on for
being seen as a confident leader.
When the feet are shoulder-width apart, that’s the Legs Akimbo
stance we discussed earlier (see here). Leaders and those in charge
stand that way. Police officers, members of the military, and
professional fighters and boxers all stand that way. It indicates you
have great confidence when you take that stance. However, you
must do it correctly. If you go too wide, you’ll look goofy. If you
don’t go wide enough, you’ll just look like everyone else.
Keep in mind, you don’t want to stand with Legs Akimbo all the
time. That will give others the feeling you are overbearing. It could
also turn that feeling of confidence you want to relay into an air of
arrogance that is difficult to correct.

03: GOOD EYE CONTACT

One of the first things you’ll notice when speaking to someone with
little or no self-confidence is that they avoid lengthy eye contact.
Eye contact is an iffy subject anyway. If you don’t keep eye contact
long enough, they’ll think you can’t do the job or that your interest
is low. If you look them in the eye too long, they may think you’re
aggressive or that maybe you are attracted to them. Eye contact is
really about balance.
How do you know how long is too long or not long enough? It’s
something you will feel. You will know it’s right when it feels right.
Psychopaths don’t have the ability to empathize. In other words,
they can’t relate to how you feel about anything at all. That’s why
you hear people talk about psychopaths retrospectively saying, “He
looked at me from across the room and just wouldn’t stop.” Or, “He
had a stare that was creepy every time we talked.” A psychopath
doesn’t know that cut-off point once the eye contact is too long.
You’re not a psychopath—that’s why you feel it.

04: CHEST AREA OPEN

You and your best friend went out for dinner. Afterwards, you both
go back to your place because your friend left her keys on your
kitchen table. You unlock and open the front door. The room is
dark and very quiet, almost scary. You slowly walk in . . . and before
you reach the light switch, you hear a crowd yell “Surprise! Happy
Birthday!” as all the lights pop on. What do your hands do at that
moment? They fly up to your chest to protect your heart and lungs.
You can’t help it. Everyone does it. That’s your limbic system
switching into Freeze, Fight, or Flight mode.
When presenting, you don’t stand there with your hands up
protecting your face like someone is going to throw something at
you. That would not only make you look odd, but those watching
your presentation would never take you seriously. Keeping your
hands and arms away from your chest area, leaving it open, on a
subconscious level tells others you’re not afraid and that you’re
confident not just with the situation, but with them as well.

05: VOICE TONE AND VOLUME

Once these other body language cues of confidence we covered are
in place, the cue that takes it in for a touchdown is your voice tone
and volume. Most people think, “You just speak clearly and loudly
enough for people to hear.” That’s like describing how to win the
gold medal in the Olympic speed skating event by saying, “Just
skate faster and more skillfully than all of the other best skaters in
the world.” If you speak too clearly, you’re going to sound like
something’s wrong with you. If you speak too loudly, it’s going to
sound like you’re yelling.
Speaking to a group with confidence is an art. Whether or not
you are confident doesn’t enter into it. You just have to sound
confident. As for volume, if you think you’re loud enough, you
probably aren’t. Speak to the back row. Don’t yell; speak loudly and
push air using your stomach instead of your throat. There’s nothing
that shows confidence more than a solid voice tone that everyone
can hear and understand. It just takes practice.
HOW TO ANALYZE THE COMPANY MEETING
As a human behavior enthusiast, this meeting will become your
absolute favorite. Depending on the size of the company, the
number of people in the meeting will vary. Let’s use a smaller
number, but big enough to fill a large boardroom with a big table.
This meeting will have a plethora of cliques, leaders, wannabe
leaders, Content employees, Power-Hungry employees . . . You
name it and that personality type, with all of its specific body
language cues, will be there.
First, let’s take a look at the CEO. When they move, the
movements will be smooth and intentional. By that, I mean you
won’t see those small, quick, jerky movements you’ll see younger
employees or new hires make throughout the meeting. You’ll find
that the CEO will be the one who moves the least. They won’t
remain motionless like a statue, but their movements will have
purpose. You’ve seen this while observing from your old point of
view, but you probably didn’t realize it.
Let’s move to the person next to the CEO’s chair. The person to
their right is going to be the person who is, or wants to be, the
“right-hand person.” Usually, it’s the COO. This person will want to
show everyone that, if the CEO is unavailable, they’ll be there, and
everything will be just fine. Similar to the CEO, you won’t see much
movement or many cues from their area. They’ll remain calm, with
not much to say outside of regular meeting subjects. You won’t see
this person raise their hand to be recognized by the CEO—they’ll do
that with a look or raise of their eyebrows and by throwing their
index finger up (a regulator). When the CEO gives the go-ahead,
they’ll speak.
When the long-term employees engage in their questions or
statements, they will be at a proper volume and they will get
directly to the point. Their hands will be on the table, sometimes
along with their entire forearm. You’ll see them take up a bit more
table real estate than the new hires. However, it will be their hands
and arms that inhabit that space because the area around them is
malleable. In other words, they may need to move them to make
room for the person next to them to use their hands and arms as
they speak. In the case of the CEO and COO, their real estate will be
taken up by their computer, a notebook, and/or folders. This space
is understood to be impenetrable by everyone at the table.
The new hires will most likely stay quiet and will not add much,
if anything, to the meeting, unless they are asked to do so. They will
sit up straight with their feet on the floor and you’ll most likely see
several preening adjustments of clothing and attire throughout the
meeting as they try to maintain their “professionalism” as best as
they can. This begins wearing off about eight to ten months into the
job.
01: EYES SQUINTING
When someone squints, it can mean several different things. It may
indicate what’s known as Eye Blocking, which we do when we view
something we find distasteful or vulgar. Or, the squinter may be
experiencing pain or receiving bad news. However, what we see in
this situation is the good kind of squinting. It lets us know that
they’re trying to understand what’s being said and are focusing on
every word. Similar to the way we squint when trying to read a
road sign at a distance, they are squinting so they can make sure
that they understand every bit of information given by the person
speaking.
There are several other things that must be happening at the
same time to let us know that this is a good squint. The person’s
head should be tilted to the side in a listening position, and this
should be accompanied by a slow head nod every 10 to 15 seconds. If
the squint is so engaged you can hardly see the eyes, that’s not good.
That’s the squint that accompanies profound doubt.
02: GESTURING WITH OPEN HANDS
Once again, open-handed gestures come into play. This style is a bit
different though. When someone emphasizes words or phrases
with their hands, they are using illustrators. There is another
gesture style that may look similar, but the meanings are very
different. In the example, we see what is known as a regulator.
Regulators are used to control situations, such as to stop someone
from talking, let someone know they are next, or to call a timeout in
football by making the “T” symbol with one’s hands.
We also use them to slow down or speed up conversations. In
this example, the reviewer is using a regulator to pause the
conversation for a moment to either go back and have something
repeated or to add something of importance to the information
being given. Sometimes an adaptor will be held in place while the
person gives an opinion or thought. When held in place, the
regulator is most likely being used in an aggressive manner, but not
in this case. In this case, it pops up and retreats quickly.
03: WRINKLES ON FOREHEAD
The great thing about the forehead is that it gives us a pretty good
idea of what emotion a person is experiencing, even from a
distance. As long as we can see the forehead, we’ll know if that
person is angry, happy, sad, afraid, surprised, and/or experiencing
any one of many other emotions and feelings.
In this example, we’re seeing the good kind of wrinkling. The
eyebrows are up, letting us know the person is listening and taking
in information. This causes the almost straight-lined wrinkling we
see on most every listener’s forehead. Greg Hartley refers to this
setup as the “Request for Approval” eyebrows and wrinkles. For
example, if a child asks if they can have a cookie, their eyebrows
will be up. When you say, “Yes, you can have one,” the child’s
eyebrows will go back down.
When we see this type of wrinkling along with the regulator and
squinting, it tells us the person is putting the conversation on short
pause while they interject new information or ask a question.

04: SMALL SMILE (THE SLOW AND TINY

SMILE)
A smile, no matter how large or small, is the most potent nonverbal
cue in existence. However, the smile is the cue that also lies more
than any other. We can use it to tell people everything is fine when
we know the situation is circling the drain. That’s why it is
important to look for the small smile, that little one the person
probably doesn’t realize they’re showing you. That’s what we’re
seeing in the example picture.
As we discussed early in this book, in the late 1800s, French
scientist Duchenne de Boulogne discovered that there is a big
difference between a real smile and a fake smile: the little wrinkles
formed at the sides of the eyes when we smile a real, genuine smile.
When we see a fake smile, there are no wrinkles. In this example,
we are seeing a real smile. This is not just because the person is
squinting. The squinting wrinkles are different; they’re big. The
real smile wrinkles are small but you can see them fairly easily
once you know to look for them.

05: FINGERS LIGHTLY RUBBING

TOGETHER
Rubbing your fingers together falls under the adaptor category.
Sometimes we use adaptors to relieve built-up stress and tension.
Other times, we use these actions to help us keep calm as the
excitement around us builds. In this example, we’re seeing the
interviewer lightly rub their fingers together as an adaptor, but are
they stressed or are they excited?
If we take into consideration all the other nonverbal cues we see
this individual engaged in, it’s safe to say we’re most likely seeing
stress caused by the anxiety of wanting to move things along a little
bit faster. Maybe the needed information for the reviewer has been
relayed and the person being reviewed is telling a story that is not
relevant to what is going on or is taking up too much time. The
reviewer knows they need to cut it off soon but is waiting for an
opportunity to do so.
In a similar scenario, you may see someone’s leg jiggling under
the table when they’re trying to hurry another person along with
their story without seeming out of line or rude.
CONCLUSION

N
OW THAT YOU HAVE a better understanding of human
behavior, you’ll never be the same. You’ll see deception
happen blatantly in front of others and they will completely
miss it. You’re going to want to interject your newfound
knowledge into the middle of things, but take my advice: Don’t. Just
observe and remember who’s being deceptive.
You now know that when someone’s arms are crossed or when
one’s shoulder shrugs, it means nothing specific. When someone
tells you it DOES mean something specific, just smile, act normal,
and nod your head (with your eyebrows up of course, because
supposedly you’re taking in new information). When you see
someone in panic mode using every adaptor and barrier they have
at their disposal, say nothing. Just observe. You’re about to learn so
much more about that person.
When someone is trying to sell you a used car and they don’t
break eye contact very often, you now know it’s time to shop
somewhere else. When you get called to your boss’s office and
they’ve leaned forward with their chin over their clasped fingers,
you now know there’s probably a promotion or a raise marching
toward the conversation. Just keep smiling that slow and tiny
smile.
Now, take your newfound secret powers, go out into the world,
and use them for good!

Scott
RESOURCES

BOOKS
If you’d like to learn about body language and human behavior, in
addition to those listed within the References section, here are some
books I suggest. All the “Big Guns” read these.
by Julius Fast

by Joe Navarro and Toni

Sciarra Poynter

by Aldert Vrij

by Joe Navarro

by
Chase Hughes

by Paul Ekman

by Paul Ekman

by James Pyle & Maryann

Karinch

by Paul
Ekman and Klaus Scherer
 by Greg Hartley & Maryann Karinch

by
Greg Hartley & Maryann Karinch

by Greg Hartley
& Maryann Karinch

by
Desmond Morris

by Albert Mehrabian

by David Rapaport

by
Desmond Morris

by Tonya Reiman

by Paul Ekman

by
Eric Hoffer

by Mark Bowden
and Tracey Thomson

by Paul Ekman

by Joe Navarro
 by
Mark Bowden

WEBSITES
Here are a few websites you can visit for valid information you can
trust. Some of these people are scientists and analytical types, so the
information they present will be a bit more “researchy.”
ScottRouse.com

BodyLanguageTactics.com

TheBehaviorPanel.com

PaulEkman.com

GregHartley.com

DavidMatsumoto.com

Joe Navarro’s site: JNForensics.com

Mark Bowden’s site: TruthPlane.com

Dr. Albert Mehrabian’s site: Kaaj.com/psych

Dr. Nalini Ambady’s site: AmbadyLab.Stanford.edu

Uri Hasson’s site: HassonLab.com

ChaseHughes.com
REFERENCES
Allen, Bud, and Diana Bosta.
. Rae John Publishers, 2002.

Babiak, Paul, and Robert D. Hare.

. New York, NY: ReganBooks, 2006.

Bowden, Mark, and Andrew Ford.

. New York, NY: McGraw-Hill

Professional, 2012.

Bowden, Mark, and Tracey Thomson.

. Scarborough, ON, Canada: HarperCollins,
2018.

Ekman, Paul, and Wallace Friesen. . Old Tappan,

NJ: Prentice Hall, 1975.

Ekman, Paul.
.
Westminster, CO: Times Books, 2003.

Ekman, Paul.
. New York, NY: WW Norton, 2009.

Fast, Julius. . London, England: Pan Books, 1972.

Hare, Robert J.
. London, England: Time Warner Paperbacks,
1994.

Hartley, Gregory, and Maryann Karinch.

.
Richmond, England: Crimson Publishing, 2009.

Hartley, Gregory, and Maryann Karinch.

. Career Press, 2007.

Hartley, Gregory, and Maryann Karinch.

. 1st ed. Chichester, England: John
Wiley & Sons, 2011.

Hughes, Chase.
. Evergreen Press, 2017.

Morris, Desmond. . London,

England: Jonathan Cape, 2016.

Morris, Desmond.
. Glasgow, Scotland: HarperCollins Distribution Services,
1977.

Morris, Desmond.
. London, England: Vintage Digital, 2012.

Navarro, Joe, and Marvin Karlins.

. New York, NY: William
Morrow Paperbacks, 2008.

Navarro, Joe. . Emmaus, PA: Rodale Press,

2014.

Navarro, Joe.
. New
York, NY: William Morrow, 2010.

Pease, Barbara, and Allan Pease.

 . New York, NY: Random House, 2006.

Reiman, Tonya. . New York, NY: Pocket

Books, 2008.

Vrij, Aldert. .
2nd ed. Hoboken, NJ: Wiley-Blackwell, 2011.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

These are the people I must acknowledge and truly thank. My

beautiful, wonderful, and patient wife, Ambre. My parents, Dr. Jim
and Marilyn Rouse. My sister, Ellen Werner, and my brother,
Mitch Rouse. I can’t go without mentioning one of my mentors,
inspirations, and great friends, Greg Hartley. Jason Rosalia and
Shawn Glinter also belong in this group. Thank you all for your
encouragement, love, and help. I must also acknowledge and thank
Mark Bowden and Chase Hughes for sharing their friendship and
wisdom. Thank you, Joe Navarro, and sorry about all the emails. I
thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR

SCOTT ROUSE is a behavior analyst and

body language expert. He holds multiple
certificates in advanced interrogation training
and has trained alongside the Federal Bureau of Investigation,
United States Secret Service, United States Military Intelligence,
and United States Department of Defense.
His extensive training, education, and practice of nonverbal
communication has made Scott an expert and consultant to law
enforcement and to the United States military, as well as to Fortune
500 CEOs, doctors, attorneys, executives, and entertainers. Scott is
also a trial consultant and globally popular keynote speaker.