MAGNETIC:

How to Master
Small Talk, Build
Instant Rapport,
and Exude
Charisma

Impress, Connect,
 & Influence

By Patrick King
Social Interaction and
Conversation Coach at
www.PatrickKingConsult
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Table of Contents

MAGNETIC: How to
Impress, Connect, and
Influence (Social Skills,
People Skills, Small Talk,
and Communication Skills
Mastery)
Introduction
Principle 1: Appeal to people’s
perceived selves.
Principle 2: Callback to
conversational high points.
Principle 3: Utilize the touch
effect.
Principle 4: Sometimes the
best question is silence.
Principle 5: The Power of
“Why.”
Principle 6: Filler phrases feel
like chemistry.
Principle 7: You don’t have to
be an extrovert.
Principle 8: The anti-Judge
Judy.
Principle 9: How to be the
great storyteller.
Principle 10: No pedants
allowed.
Principle 11: Don’t debate
tastes and opinions.
Principle 12: But really,
curiosity trumps all.
Principle 13: Help ‘em chase
that feeling.
Principle 14: What does your
face say?
Principle 15: When are you
the general or soldier?
Principle 16: Compliment and
express freely.
Principle 17: Never just “No.”
Principle 18: Calibrate towards
a role model.
Principle 19: Social cues for
social success.
Principle 20: Find your image.
Conclusion
Cheat Sheet
Introduction

What is it about some people?

They might be in the center of the room

or firmly rooted against the wall, but it’s
undeniable that there is something about
them that draws you to them… something
magnetic about them.

It’s almost never quantifiable, but let’s

examine exactly how it manifests in real
life.

I had a client named Ronald and he

managed a brick and mortar store with
25 employees. Unbeknownst to him, he
was not a universally loved supervisor.
He wasn’t exactly disliked, but his
employees constantly mocked the way he
was 100% business 100% of the time,
with no pretense for niceties or small
talk.

It was common for Ronald to not be

aware if his employees were married,
had children, or where they even lived.
People avoided him for the most part,
and were pleased that he was a
generally hands-off manager.

He was also notoriously difficult to

discuss work-related problems with
because his solution to everything was to
just “make it work.” Ronald truly earned
the nickname his employees bestowed
upon him for his skills of avoidance, “el
matador.”

Upon starting to work with Ronald, these

issues slowly painted a picture of a man
who simply did not care to engage with
others, seeing such interaction as
unnecessary and extraneous in the name
of efficiency. There was nothing
malicious about it, as Ronald was an
extremely kind if frustrated individual.
He simply couldn’t see the forest through
the trees – the benefits that magnetism
and charisma would bring to his
workplace and life otherwise.

The changes were swift and startling for

him. We armed him with a slew of
actionable, technical interpersonal and
charisma skills, many of which are
outlined inside. More importantly, and
what Ronald himself deemed the turning
point – we armed him with a fresh
mindset of curiosity, caring, and
positivity.

It’s a change that resonates an entire

person, and transforms the tone of any
interaction from “Hi” to “Bye.” He made
an effort to get to know each of his
employees, their families, pets,
education, upbringing… favorite foods,
what they did on their weekends, how
happy they were… the list goes on.

Ronald was kinder and more

sympathetic to their struggles, both
because that was a conscious decision
for his new mindset, and because that’s
what happens when you get to know
people on an intimate level as he did.
Finally, learned how to properly address
conflicts by getting to the root of the
issue quickly.

He was rewarded in exponential spades.

Ronald reported that the employees
turned in better quality of work, they
showed more initiative, and the entire
team could actually be described as
cohesive. Most importantly, he was
seeing more profits from his store, as his
newfound attitude was trickling down
and being reflected on a daily basis by
his employees.

Quite a departure from Machiavelli, but

arguably just as effective.

Gaining the skills of magnetism, how to

impress, connect, and ultimately
influence others, is paramount to success
in life. Technical skills can be drilled
and actually come more easily to most,
but picking up on the fine points of
human interaction and making yourself
damn likable… we’re never taught these
things explicitly.

Accordingly, the lack of this ability is

what holds most people back from
where they really want to be, career and
relationship wise.

Your bosses and supervisors aren’t

always the most skilled at their job… in
fact that is rarely the reason they have
been promoted above you. Those that
win at office politics definitely aren’t
the top performers.

The people that you give the most breaks

to haven’t earned them by dragging you
out of a burning house… you probably
just like them more. The friends that
always brag about being able to talk
their way out of trouble? It’s not because
they can manipulate minds.

My point is that no matter the profession

or relationship, people skills and
magnetism are as or more important than
the actual skills involved. Take me for
example. As a dating and social skills
coach, you might assume that my career
and livelihood depends exactly on how
magnetic and good at instantly
connecting with others I am. Well, you’d
be 100% correct, so I am living proof
that these skills are literally make or
break, rich or poor, life or death
impactful.

MAGNETIC: Impress, Connect, and

Influence is born out of years of
coaching social and dating skills and
observing human interaction. I’ve boiled
down the essential aspects of magnetism
and charisma into the 20 following
principles – if some of them sound
clinical, it’s no mistake. At some level,
interaction is a science, where every
action simply begets a reaction. That’s
what years of analyzing conversation
and interaction will do for you.

So contrary to one of first statements I

made in this introduction, I have
absolutely quantified what makes
someone magnetic. This book isn’t just a
collection of generic tips you can find
anywhere.

You’ll learn the exact mindset that

Ronald rode to success. Your magnetism
and charisma will be undeniable. You
will learn to harness your newfound
skills to ascend in your career and
relationships. You might even find that
special someone.

Literally everything that you desire in

life can be gained through a thorough
understanding of magnetism and
charisma. It ensures that no doors are
ever shut to you, whether you fit the bill
or not.
Magnetism is the lubricant, step ladder,
and crowbar that will give you access to
anywhere in the world if you (1) learn it
zealously, and (2) use it wisely.

A final note – learning by reading is the

first step, but learning without doing
puts you right back where you started.
Refer to this book early and often, and I
expect that your real world experiences
will merge with what you’ve read to
elucidate my principles even further.

To your success!
Principle 1: Appeal to people’s
perceived selves.

Everyone has an image of themselves

they like to project in their head,
regardless of how accurate it may be.

And still regardless of the accuracy

thereof, they like having that self-
perception confirmed and strengthened
as much as possible.

It’s actually quite an important part of

our identities, and is the necessary and
healthy type of defense mechanism. We
would probably fall apart if we couldn’t
have a strong, and mostly positive
mental image of our perceived self. And
as we know from people that have
wildly skewed self-perceptions,
accuracy is beside the point.

For a simple example, say you identify

strongly with fitness and being in great
shape. You’re definitely going to enjoy
when people bring up that your biceps
look more rippling than usual, or the fact
that you fill out your jeans quite nicely.
You enjoy when people appeal to how
you perceive yourself regarding fitness.

If you appeal to the traits and ideals that

people have assigned to themselves, you
will be able to crack even the toughest
nut… because no one can resist having
their ego stroked in a way that feels so
very personal and to our cores. It’s
similar to the feeling we get when we
change something subtle about our
appearance that we’re unsure of… and
someone compliments you on it! It’s a
gratifying affirmation that what you’ve
done is positive and correct.

You’ll notice three phenomena when you

appeal to people’s perceived selves.
First, you will instantly be regarded in a
new light by the other party. You’ll be
branded as extremely observant and
intuitive… and become someone that the
other person values highly, because they
will consider you to have seen their true
self. This is the very reason that we get
titillated by fortune tellers and
horoscopes – despite the dubious truth
and accuracy, we can’t help but feel that
someone has looked at us and seen us for
who we really are.

Second, they’ll open up to you like you

never thought they would because
everyone likes talking about themselves
(and doubly so for bragging), and you’ve
just opened the floodgates for them to do
so tastefully by initiating the topic of
their self-perception.

Finally, you’ll be able to elicit action

from them in ways that reinforce that
perceived self. For example, take our
fitness friend from before. He imagines
himself to be a fitness expert, and would
relish the opportunity to share his
knowledge about fitness and show it
off… right into helping you in the gym,
helping you move (because he’s so fit
and strong), or anything else that would
show off his physical prowess.

The more difficult part is finding out

what people’s perceived self is… but
even then it’s just a matter of looking at
(1) how people spend their time, (2)
reading into what they enjoy talking
about, or (3) identifying what they are
good at and probably pride themselves
on. It’s usually not that obscured.

By the same token, if you insult them on

what they pride themselves on, it will be
a big blow to them as it is an integral
part of their identity… and people
zealously guard their self-perceptions. If
you called your fitness freak friend out
of shape and questioned whether he even
knew what a gym was? Fury.

People enjoy being around people who

will confirm their self-perceptions and
make them feel good about themselves.
Be that person in a non-manipulative
way by simply embodying a curious
mindset about what you see as traits that
they like about themselves.

If you can avoid blatant flattery and

elicit from them, you become that much
more magnetic starting one person at a
time. People will be drawn to you in
conversation without even realizing why,
and that’s one of the cornerstones of this
book.

The Magnetic Impression: She really

understands who I am as a person! We
must be destined to be great friends if
we can connect so easily and quickly.
Principle 2: Callback to
conversational high points.

Let’s begin this principle with a quick

example.

You’re speaking with an acquaintance

about dogs, and she makes a hilarious
joke that she reminds herself of a
poodle. You laugh, you love, you keep
conversing, and the world keeps
revolving.

At a later point in the conversation, she

mentions something about her love of
chocolate… to which you reply that it’s
not going to happen if she’s like a
poodle, because dogs are of course
incapable of processing chocolate. Her
face fairly lights up.

What exactly am I getting at here? This

is a principle that is highly contextual,
and may not seem like much of an impact
outside of the “you just had to be there to
hear it” sphere.

But let me tell you exactly the

impression you’ll make when you can
make such a connection to a prior
conversational high point.

It automatically gives the impression that

you are witty and clever, because those
are the exact types of observational
humor that stand-up comedians regularly
use.
It makes it appear that you have been
listening extremely intently to your
conversation partner the entire time.

You impart that you have paid special

attention to them in particular and have
thought about them beyond a surface
level, which is flattering and
empowering. People tend to like people
that like them, and vice versa.

Finally, you create a moment of humor

that will basically be like an inside joke
between the two of you, drawing you
closer instantly. Inside jokes probably
deserve a principle on their own at some
point, but they are extremely powerful
because it’s a bond you share with them
that not even their significant other can
get in on.

All this from just a simple callback to a

joke, reference, or personal point?
Absolutely. It’s this attention to detail
that begins to draw people to you when
what you represent is a series of good
feelings, and ways to make others feel
good about themselves. It’s not so much
of a slippery slope as you building up
your capital and reputation as a magnetic
person, which has literally no negatives.

So during the course of a conversation,

take mental note to catalog at least a
couple of conversational high points that
you can callback to later.

Attempt to focus on the emotional spikes

that the high point creates, and not
whether it’s a joke or a personal
disclosure. What got the biggest laughs,
reactions, groans, or grimaces? These
will be easier to remember, and more
striking when you callback to them later.
The Magnetic Impression: This person is
witty and clearly has an interest in me
because he remembered what I said
earlier! Hilarious as well.
Principle 3: Utilize the touch
effect.

In a way, we’re all just like horses. We

both like to run free, wear shoes, and we
both have times where we would enjoy
just strapping a bag of food to our
mouths.

More importantly, when a horse is

frightened or anxious, one of the best
ways to calm him down and make him
comfortable is to calmly stroke and
touch him.

I’m not going to suggest that you stroke

everyone in your immediate vicinity to
gain rapport and comfort with them…
you might just do the opposite and make
your inaugural visit to the police
questioning room. But this principle
explains the power of touch, and how it
affects others and makes them feel
around you when used correctly and
wisely.

The power of touch is predicated on the

biology of love and what happens when
we get skin to skin contact with others.
When you so much as brush fingertips
with someone else, a host of hormones
are either released or created, most
notably oxytocin. This is otherwise
known as the “cuddle hormone” and
literally increases the feelings of
affection and attachment to someone
else. Mothers and their newborns
produce it in mutual spades – that might
be all you need to know about it.

So touching people, being a touchy

person, and closing the physical gap will
literally bond you to someone
chemically. That’s a powerful
realization when you have the goal of
making an impression on others and
attracting others to you.

Beyond the physical component, there is

undoubtedly a mental and perception
component.

Acquaintances that just met might not

touch, but good friends have no issues
touching each other. This is the territory
and perception you place yourself in.

People that are confident in themselves

and how they come off to others have no
issues with touch or breaking the
physical barrier. You will cultivate this
image.

People in authority positions have no

issues touching, and often use it to make
or emphasize a point. You become this.

Finally, you disarm people that might

otherwise be cold or standoffish and
accelerate your levels of rapport.

Touch helps you cultivate an overall

image that you are warm, charming,
friendly, and extremely open to people…
which is a big part of our goals in this
book. Imagine how comforted and even
intrigued you felt the last time someone
used touch smartly on you.

Used correctly, you even possess the

ability to gently and gracefully dissolve
conflicts and arguments. Take advantage
of the comfort and familiarity that touch
provides most people, and use it to make
a powerful impression.

For all the talk about touch, it’s time to

implement some actionable steps and
ways to utilize touch smartly, and
straddle that thin line between building
comfort and invading someone’s
personal space.

The gestures you should learn to know

and love: placing your hand on top of
their shoulder, touching the outside of
their arm, high-fiving, fist-bumping,
putting your arm around their shoulders,
nudging them with the outside of your
forearm.
Yes, these small gestures can make all
the difference. The reason I list these in
particular is because they are neutral and
harmless enough to use on either gender
without giving anyone the wrong idea.
Nothing is overly-aggressive.

Some additional guidelines: keep the

touch light and short and do not linger,
learn to read when you can use each
gesture, capitalize on conversational
high points with touch, commit to a touch
because doing it halfway will be
awkward and questionable, consider
their openness before touching, beware
of overtouching, and take notice how
they react to your touch.
I realize that utilizing touch is something
that many people are uncomfortable with
at first, but it’s important to realize that
the source of the discomfort is the fear of
overextending oneself and intruding on
someone’s personal space. You just have
to make the leap to embody the mindset
of a social wizard who merely touches
to make a point until it becomes second
nature. There’s absolutely nothing wrong
with touch, and you would be surprised
at how many people will reciprocate
and amplify the touch you give them…
but you’ll never know unless you try it!

Break out of your shell and take a leap,

because that’s what this book is about! If
you wanted to improve yet stay
completely within your comfort zone,
I’ve got a rude awakening for you!

The Magnetic Impression: Touching my

shoulder and arm immediately built our
rapport and made me feel like I was
talking to an old friend!
Principle 4: Sometimes the
best question is silence.

Not everyone is a chatterbox, and thank

heaven for that. If the world didn’t
possess listeners, thinkers, and head-
nodders, everyone would be competing
for airspace and just be waiting for their
turn to speak.
Luckily, being a chatterbox is far from a
requirement of being magnetic.

In fact, many times, strategic silence and

well-placed pauses can help you break
people open like you never thought
possible.

First, utilizing silence creates a host of

positive perceptions about you as a
person. It signals a confidence that you
aren’t scrambling to fill every silence,
awkward or not. Most people want to
fill any conversational silence with an
“ummm” or other filler word because of
their inherent lack of comfort with it, and
the fear of being judged as a boring and
uninteresting person.
You will break the mold by appearing
comfortable with the silence and take
away the pressure to keep constant
banter… which is a much more natural
way of conversing with people.

The more comfortable you appear with

something, the more comfortable you
allow the other person to feel about it,
and in the end a well-placed silence will
create a perception about you that they
have known you a long time and can talk
to you about anything. (The converse, of
course, being a mutual discomfort that is
amplified by each other.)

You have also created a safe space

without judgment, which in turn
alleviates the pressure for nonstop
banter and lets you converse in a real,
natural manner. In a sense, you have
skipped a few rungs on the relationship
ladder, because only good friends
typically have comfortable silence.
Think along the lines of couples who
have been together for years. They don't
need to verbalize and fill every moment
with sound. They take moments to
breathe and pause in the conversation
and end up having a strong connection
because of it.

Second, beyond the perception that a

comfortable, well-placed silence creates
for you, it takes a conversation into a
beneficial direction.

Well-placed silence is a negative space

in a conversation that acts like a black
hole, which sucks the other person into
it. Though comfortable, it almost creates
an expectation that the other person
continue to speak, so you are able to
learn more about them without even
asking. If you embrace comfortable
silence and resist the urge to fill all
silences for fear of ‘being awkward,’
you will come across comfortable and
familiar.

They will fill the space with a

clarification of what they said earlier,
more detail, a continuation of the story,
or a justification for what they said or
did earlier. You might crack a tough nut
who keeps giving you close-ended
answers.

There are countless other paths your

partner can take, but the end result is
information that you would not have
gotten otherwise, unless you had asked
some very specific, pointed questions.
Vulnerabilities and personal sharing
ahead!

The key here is the react in a way that is

extremely non-judgmental to create a
safe space for them to keep sharing
about themselves and open up to you.
Demonstrate amazing curiosity and a
poker face to cultivate that space.

Additionally, a pause can give your

partner time to think about what he or
she wants to say next. Sometimes, a
conversation gets a bit off track, people
forget what they wanted to say or a
person just doesn't know what to say,
and pausing for a moment has the ability
to alleviate this.

A well-placed pause allows for the

other person to switch the conversation
to a different subject if they're bored or
uncomfortable with the current topic.
This can be a way to avoid arguments as
well since you'll be giving the other
person a moment to think, calm down
and not say the first thing that comes to
his or her mind.

The Magnetic Impression: He was just

like an old friend with how relaxed and
comfortable our dialogue was! Did I
really only meet him today?
Principle 5: The Power of
“Why.”

For those of you that are parents, or have

been around nieces and nephews, this
principle will be eminently familiar to
you.

Just imagine that innocent child cocking

their head to the side and continually
asking “Why?”

Chances are, that child has probably

caused you to think about something in
depth and admit out loud “Well, that’s
sure a good question. Let me think about
that and get back to you!”

Such is the power of “why.”

Instead of asking why the sun is yellow

or why the sky is blue as a child would,
imagine that you pry deep into topics and
people’s motivations similarly, and
force them to really introspect and give
intimate and personal answers that they
haven’t given that much thought to.
The lesson here is twofold.

First, when you jump around from topic

to topic, it signals that you are only
interested in them in a shallow manner,
and don’t connect in a deep ways. It also
signals that you are probably grasping
for that one commonality that you share,
such as that one friend that you both
know from college. That’s no way to
have a conversation, and often results in
an interview-like exchange that is both
clinical and boring.

Rarely are true connections ever made

on such surface topics, and if you’ve
been to any networking event… you
know that it’s a chore having the same
conversation over and over again. It’s a
topic for another chapter to deep dive
into specific topics… but this principle
is about how asking “why”
accomplishes that.

Second, simply embracing the power of

“why” and embodying a curious mindset
will allow you to delve deep into
someone’s motivations, intentions,
thoughts… background, hopes, fears,
dreams, you name it. It’s an extremely
simple premise, but the beauty is that it’s
an approach that few people take, and it
will be novel to your partner.

You position yourself as an inquisitive

and thoughtful individual that is
interested in getting to know someone on
a deep level, which they will likely be
happy to entertain. Fact is that we like
people that like us and are interested in
us, so we feed that feeling whenever
possible.

There’s more human psychology at work

here. When you open up to someone and
make yourself vulnerable as a result of
answering intimate questions about
yourself, you tend to feel invested in that
person. It’s as if they hold a small part of
you now, so you should take a special
interest in them and treat them in a
slightly higher regard than before.

Even more – besides feeling invested,

they will simply feel closer to you as a
person and a friend because who, if not
a good friend, do you reveal personal
details to? It’s the classic action and
subsequent mis-attribution of reason…
and this time you can harness it to your
advantage.

Finally, a bit of ego. People tend to

enjoy really explaining their train of
thought into their actions. This is
partially because we like others to
recognize and validate our thought
patterns as intelligent… and partially
because people just like talking about
themselves.

This principle is a long way of

recommending that you act like the next
child you see – act inquisitive almost to
the point of being invasive, and people
will reveal themselves to you in an
intimate fashion.

The Magnetic Impression: Did I really

just tell that woman about what I hope to
be doing in the next 10 years and my
hopes and dreams surrounding it? What
an interesting and deep conversation!
Principle 6: Filler phrases feel
like chemistry.

Most people have a certain conception

of conversational chemistry and what
they think an amazingly smooth and
flowing conversation looks like.

It’s a mostly universal conception, and is

probably brought on by what people see
in popular media as applied to romance.
I’ll tell you exactly how to emulate it in
this principle, though keep in mind that
preconceived notions aren’t always
ideal.

People’s conception of a flowing

conversation, one they will characterize
as amazing and effortless… is one that
has zero silences, lulls, and stops.
There’s a nonstop back and forth banter,
and it plays more like a Gilmore Girls
episode than anything else. It’s been
proven time and time again that this is
what the majority of people define as
actually connecting with someone and
feeling comfortable with someone.
There’s a certain comfort when there are
no required pauses for thinking or
fidgeting while avoiding eye contact.

It’s a bit of a superficial conception,

because all this actually accomplishes is
keeping a steady stream of noise and
verbiage in the air. It says nothing about
the substance, and simply capitalizes on
a feeling of continual chatter.

It’s not to say that this perception is

wrong, but I for one believe that it
simply speaks to how much people
dislike silences and lulls in
conversation, going so far as to
characterize their presence as a bad
conversation despite a host of other
positive factors.
The lesson here then is to develop a set
of go-to filler phrases so as to avoid
such silences and lulls, and maintain that
feeling of continual chatter and
exchange. As the title says, filler phrases
create that feeling of chemistry and
banter without breaks that we so crave
without even realizing it.

Filler phrases also give you the leeway

to think about your next great
conversation topic, or where you want
the talk to go while avoiding an empty
silence or lull. As such, you can use it as
a crutch if you need a second to consider
things.
 Your filler phrases must be versatile
enough to apply to the majority of
conversations, but not so dumbed down
that you sound like a brainless parrot –
these are in the delivery.

They will vary from person to person on

what is comfortable for them but here
are my top 2:
1. Oh, that’s interesting…
2. That is hilarious…
Pretty non-mind-blowing. Keep it
simple, stupid. This principle is a bit
more about the psychology of what
people like in a conversation, so it’s an
important realization that you can tailor
your habits to that.
P.S. Filler phrases can also be filler
gestures or filler acts, all in the name of
preserving the flow of a conversation.
For example, a well-timed cough,
adjustment of your glasses, or swig of
your beer – they can all function in the
same way to preserve flow.

The Magnetic Impression: What an

amazing conversation we had, there
were no silences at all and we just vibed
off each other so well!
Principle 7: You don’t have to
be an extrovert.

At first glance, the words extrovert and

magnetic seem to be inexorably linked.

Extroverts love to be surrounded by

others as often as possible, and might
even be afraid to be alone. They thrive
on social interactions with family,
friends or complete strangers and would
rather go out than stay in the vast
majority of the time. This drive makes it
easy and natural for them to form
connections with a variety of people,
and no matter what they do or where
they go, they’ll be able to do so.

They don’t need alone time, and gain

strength and energy from being in the
presence of others. They’re often thought
of as friendly and outgoing and draw a
crowd around them easily. At a party or
other social activity, these are the people
that are always in the center of the large
group, telling stories about their latest
adventures. They are very good at small
talk, which draws people in and keeps
the conversation going. They are the
“life of the party”.

But upon further thought, we realize that

this implies that only extroverts are
capable of connecting with people in an
easy fashion, and that is clearly a false
proposition.

Introverts can absolutely walk into a

room and own it immediately, but it’s
also a matter of harnessing their
strengths and making the most of it…
because there are definitely things that
extroverts and introverts can do that the
other can’t. But make no mistake, both
are capable of magnetism – it’s just a
different path for each and neither is
more correct or wrong than the other’s.

Introverts thrive on quiet, alone time

where they can recharge and prefer
small groups to large ones. That's not to
say they don't enjoy the company of
others or that they can't be social. They,
like their extroverted counterparts, do
develop strong friendships, but with
fewer people overall. They're apt to
listen to others more and are less likely
to share their feelings until they've had
the chance to thoroughly think things
through. They might not do as well with
small talk, but are very good at long,
deep, meaningful conversations. They
don’t enjoy forced social interaction, but
when given the choice, they can do some
damage! It’s more of a select, deep
approach than an extrovert might apply.

In Western culture, we imply value to

people with extroverted personalities.
We see them as being more friendly,
outgoing, open and honest. The ability to
speak your mind, put yourself out there
and to not worry about what others think
is admirable. Introverts can be thought of
as holding back, unfriendly, secretive
and shy. We're more likely to see them as
being aloof, uncaring and even a little bit
odd, none of which are considered
admirable traits.

Eastern cultures, on the other hand tend

to encourage introversion and think of it
as an honorable way to present oneself.
Being contemplative, quiet and serene
shows inner strength rather than being
thought of as a weakness. Extroverts, on
the other hand are thought of as
boisterous, loud and even obnoxious. It's
not encouraged, by any means, and is
actually frowned upon in many
situations.

Quite a mismatch, and valuable

perspective for those bemoaning the fact
that they identify with one category or
the other!

Both extroverts and introverts have the

ability to socialize and to develop
meaningful relationships with the people
around them. How they go about it can
be dramatically different. Extroverts are
less worried about what people think
and just let themselves go while
introverts worry about the consequences
of their behaviors. There is no evidence
that either side is happier, forms better
bonds or does better in social situations,
it's just different.

The Magnetic Impression: He calls

himself an introvert? I wouldn’t have
ever guessed…
Principle 8: The anti-Judge
Judy.

Judge Judy is one mean, grizzled lady.

For those not in the know, Judge Judy is

both the name of a reality court
television show and the name of the
main character, a cantankerous and
grumpy old woman who has
questionable status as an actual civil
judge.

She is constantly shown shutting down

the litigants in a harsh yet humorous way,
calling them out on all of their
inconsistencies and reducing them to
stuttering piles of mush. Some might
argue that this is an efficient way of
settling disputes and mediating
conflicts… and I don’t disagree with
that.

But it certainly won’t win you friends or

help your case for being magnetic and
liked.

It’s inevitable that you will find yourself

dealing with angry or frustrated people,
exacerbating a situation that may not be
ideal in the first place. Emotions will fly
and mouths will flap.

So what approaches can you take at

managing conflicts in a graceful and
mood-lightening manner, whether
between you or as an objective
bystander? How do we improve on
Judy’s hilarious brand of judgment?

The first step to resolving a conflict

smoothly and swimmingly is to figure
out exactly what the causes for being
upset are. This might seem like an
obvious statement, but it’s a course of
action that is often more difficult than we
think. People are conditioned to avoid
confrontation, and their true intentions or
desires are often obscured for the sake
of keeping the peace. How many times
have we told our significant others that
we’re “just fine?” You’ll need to try to
read between the lines with their
answers…

And also think about how your actions

may have played a part, either directly
or indirectly throughout unintended
consequences or misinterpretation. No
one has a perfect pipeline from our
thoughts to our actions and words, and
we find that our true intentions get lost a
fair amount of the time. This leaves
room for misunderstandings on a daily
basis.

Prompt yourself with questions such as

“how are my actions being perceived by
this person and how are they
contributing to the problem?”

Make believe for a second that the other

party is being completely logical in their
own right, so what could they have
interpreted to make them act in such a
negative way?

If at any point you realize you were part

of the problem, apologize immediately
for your part and continue from there.
You’re not arguing to win – you’re
arguing to settle a dispute and conflict,
and this mindset often goes a long way
towards peaceful resolution. Apologies
go a long way to calm a person down,
and in turn, make them easier to talk to.

One solution that has worked throughout

the generations is to always remember to
be extra nice, especially when the
person you’re dealing with isn’t
particularly kind. The famous saying
that tags along with this is to “kill them
with kindness.” Sometimes reacting to a
person who is caught up in the moment
will only suck you into the drama and
either cause you to mimic their emotions
or make them even more upset.

When you follow the kindness rule, you

negate any of their negative emotions
and instead only react with patience,
love and kindness. When it comes to
resolving an issue between two different
people, often times leading by example
is enough to fix the situation.

Most of the time, this will cause one

person to finally back down and give in
to your more positive mood. On
occasion, this will make someone more
animated, but these times are rare and
far between. An example of doing this
in a situation would be if the
disagreement between two people
escalated, and one of them began
shouting. Keeping your voice calm and
responding with, “I am so sorry you’re
feeling frustrated. Let’s work together to
resolve this issue.”

Your calm and level tone will become

infectious and they will begin to respond
with openness and understanding.

The Magnetic Impression: I can’t

believe she got those two to stop fighting
in such a calm and graceful way!
Principle 9: How to be the
great storyteller.

Imagine a crackling campfire in the

middle of forest clearing. Dancing
flames. A hush falls over you and your
friends, filled only by unseen crickets
and the braying of a wolf that sounds a
little too close for comfort.
Suddenly, a friend jumps up with a yelp
and sprints away from his perch upon a
log. You are all shocked, confused, and
appropriately worried. You can still
hear him running through the brush,
snapping twigs and crunching leaves
with each footstep. Suddenly, the noise
stops, and he falls silent…

“I’m pretty sure a fire ant just bit me

where the sun don’t shine, I’m fine!”
Count on Mark to disrupt what could
have been an epically beautiful moment.

Storytelling is not a skill that comes

naturally to everyone. We know when
we hear a good story, and when we’re
captivated by someone even when the
story isn’t amazing. We all have that
friend or uncle that simply exudes a
magnetism that makes people gather to
them and hang on their every word.

You may not be able to immediately

emulate their success, but there are some
very basic techniques and guidelines you
can use to become the storyteller you
always wanted to be, no matter who the
audience is.

The biggest guideline to follow is the

proper structure of an effective story. As
with the example above about the
overzealous fire ants, there are 3 distinct
parts for which you should split your
stories into
First, the setup and context, where you
introduce the characters, the setting, and
any factors that will be important to
what transpires in the story. You’re all
around a campfire in peaceful silence.

Second, the situation and action, where

you describe how the character interacts
with the setting. One of your friends
runs away screaming suddenly.

Third, the punchline and resolution,

where you describe how the context
changes in relation to the action. It turns
out he was just bitten by a fire ant on
his nether regions.
Rinse and repeat this formula for all
your stories. Of course, there is much
more to a story than those three steps.

As with all types of communication, it’s

in the delivery and how you say it that
determines the true impact. Raising the
energy level of your conversation
partner(s) is usually the best way to
engage with a story, and there are a few
ways you can do this easily. Use varying
tones of voice, and even use different
types of voices, gestures, and postures
for different people in a story. Pause for
dramatic effect.

Make sure to exaggerate your facial

expressions to ensure that the tone of
what you’re conveying shines through.
Finally, don’t underestimate how much
laughing through your story will kill the
vibe.

Other books on communication and

storytelling will suggest that you
practice your stories until you can tell
them in your sleep. I recommend this
only if you’re going into a job interview
or as a crutch for those that are naturally
shy. Taking away the unfamiliar parts of
your stories will make it easier for you
to appear polished, which is important
for the perception in those two contexts.

However, for general storytelling

amongst friends, being polished and too
rehearsed is actually a turnoff, and
castrates the emotions of a story. It sucks
the passion out, and makes you rush
through important details because you
already know exactly how the punchline
goes. Rehearse the big bullet points so
you know where your story is going, but
allow yourself to wing the minutiae to
keep it interesting for both you and your
listeners!

The Magnetic Impression: What a

seriously entrancing story – he kept me
on my toes the whole time waiting for
the punchline!
Principle 10: No pedants
allowed.

There are few things that bring a flowing

conversation to a screeching halt than the
guy who interjects with “Actually…!”
and proceeds to correct you on a minor
detail that is inconsequential to the point
that you’re making… and then acts as if
he just won some sort of knowledge
argument.

You know exactly who I’m talking about.

And if you don’t? You just might be that
person!

A pedant is someone who feels the need

to overemphasize minor details or rules,
choosing to focus on the individual trees
instead of the forest. Nitpicking.
Nagging. How exactly does this manifest
in daily conversation?

It’s first important to realize that the

reason most pedants behave the way they
do isn’t because they actually care about
the minor details so much. This is a
reflex typically borne out of insecurity
and a self-perception that people may
not listen to them otherwise in the
normal flow of conversation. They
simply seize on their knowledge of the
obscure and minor to demonstrate to
others that they possess some sort of
value – intelligence, and contribution to
the conversation. In a sense, it’s a way
for them to feel superior to others that
they feel haven’t shown them the proper
respect.

To each his own. Everyone is entitled to

feel the way that they do, and baggage
doesn’t just exist in 45 year old
divorcees. But at least recognize how
this makes others perceive you and what
pedantry does to a conversation!
Butting into a friendly conversation
with pedantry makes a conversation
about right and wrong, and tacitly turns it
into a competition. People won’t be
impressed by your obscure knowledge,
nor will it make you appear more
interesting. It just gives the impression
that you are rigid, uptight, and can’t see
the bigger picture. Worst of all, you’ve
sidetracked the conversation for a brief
nugget of attention.

Butting into an argument with pedantry

may be one of the most irritating
phenomena known to man because
there’s no logical or emotional way a
minor correction makes someone more
persuasive or correct. It sours the tone
and makes it even more adversarial,
because you’ve just addressed
something tangential that makes it appear
that you aren’t understanding the issue at
hand.

It won’t change your partner’s stance,

and might even be detrimental to your
stance because you will appear to be
crying wolf.

As I implored you to wing the minutiae

in the previous chapter about
storytelling… I implore you to simply
let the minutiae go here.

In most conversations, being exact and

precise really isn’t that important. If the
correction you’re about to make doesn’t
alter the general concept or tone of the
conversation, or is about a tangential
detail, you’re being pedantic.

Debating semantics won’t draw people

towards you – it will accomplish the
opposite. Even if you are 100% factually
correct, correctness does not make
friends.

The Magnetic Impression: I’m so glad

she didn’t stop to correct me about the
capital of Spain – that would have made
me so mad that that’s what she focused
on!
Principle 11: Don’t debate
tastes and opinions.

I never do this, but let’s start this

principle with how the worst best man
speeches begin – with dictionary
definitions. “Webster’s dictionary
defines love as…”

Let’s define the following words: taste

and opinion.

Taste: an individual preference.

Opinion: a personal view, attitude, or

appraisal.

Notice the words individual and

personal. Entirely subjective.

So why would you argue and debate

about people’s tastes and opinions as if
you could change their mind and there is
only one correct mode of thinking?

You see it all the time. Whether it’s

when a movie comes up, or someone’s
preference of weather comes up, and
someone else somehow just exclaims
that they are so wrong. This in itself isn’t
unusual or offputting… if it stops right
there. You can have a friendly debate or
round of questioning about a taste or
opinion, and no one will bat an eye.

The problem is that many people either

don’t pick up on social cues that people
don’t care to have their opinions put
down and attempt to be changed, or that
they are imposing an unsolicited attack
on things that they like.

Here’s how it usually goes:

“No joke, Forrest Gump is my favorite

90’s movie of all time. Hands down.
And that scene where Forrest asks if his
son is like him? Tears could not be
stopped.”

“Forrest Gump? Are you kidding me?

That movie was horrible and so
historically inaccurate. Plus, it was
sooo predictable that he was just going
to end up with Jenny. I hate Tom Hanks.
How could you like that movie?”

“I just thought it was funny and

entertaining how it integrated history
into his life.”

“History? You mean the revisionist

history that our media would have us
believe?! What about The Shawshank
Redemption? You have to like that
movie more than Forrest Gump. It was
so much better!”

“Um...”

And so on. Notice how there’s a clear

lack of awareness that arguing about
tastes and opinions is never going to
endear you to someone, and it’s almost
never going to change any minds either.
There’s literally no way that
conversation is going to end amicably
short of the defending party just
admitting that he is ‘wrong’ in his taste
in movies.

So when things are a matter of taste and

opinion, as many things are in life, don’t
argue with people about them. You can
feel free to objectively debate and
question them, but don’t approach
people with an attitude that they are flat
out wrong or senseless to like
something.

People like what they like, and to think

any differently is to embody judgment.
It’s also invasive, rude, and escalates
into an adversarial tone more often than
you would think. You immediately make
people feel like they must defend
themselves.

It makes you come off as someone who

is extremely close-minded, rigid,
preachy, and unwilling to entertain other
perspectives. It’s the equivalent of
giving unsolicited advice, which is
rarely welcome.

Most of all, you just come off as kind of

an asshole.

So instead of debating taste and opinion,

restrict your incredulity that someone
loves Nickelback to yourself, and don’t
address it. Bring up what other bands
they like to stay away from attacking the
taste or opinion, because there is no
winning with it.

Likewise if anyone attempts the same to

you – a simple “Are you really telling
me that my opinion is wrong just
because it is different from yours?” will
put a stop to it every time.

The Magnetic Impression: Thank God he

just accepted that our favorite bands
were different and didn’t try to convert
me endlessly… that would have made
me hate him and I just met him!
Principle 12: But really,
curiosity trumps all.
A magnetic personality is many things.

It’s knowing how to masterfully continue

a conversation and even rescue a flailing
one.

It’s knowing just how to engender

rapport and comfort in the minimal
amount of time.

It’s knowing what topics to avoid and

how to gracefully navigate out of them.

But these things are useless without the

proper mindset and approach towards
the people you meet.

You need to be curious about people.

If you’re not simply curious about the

person you are talking to, we discover
that the following is likely true: you just
don’t care about them that much, or you
prefer the conversation to be focused
around you.

There’s really no inbetween, because it

influences everything from “Hi” to
“Bye.”
In denial? Read on.

If you’re not curious about someone and

how they are and how they’re doing, it
sets the tone for your entire
conversation. You won’t ask about them,
dig into their lives, or connect. You
won’t care to implement any of the tips
presented in this or any other
communication and social skills book,
and you just won’t engage other people
in ways that they will care about.

You’ll do the perfunctory and obligatory

“How are you” and “How was your
weekend”s, but any connection beyond
that just won’t occur without a sense of
curiosity about the other person. When’s
the last time you really asked someone in
depth about their lives and feelings?

What other operative adjectives can you

think of to describe the mindset and
willingness to engage and connect with
someone on a deep level?

So my message here is simple. Make the

decision to be genuinely curious and
interested in the person across from you,
and you set the grounds for a true
connection to form.
When you think about it… it’s not like
you’re all that and a bag of chips.
Literally everyone in the world is better
than you at something and has something
to teach and fascinate you with.

Make a commitment to being curious

people, even if you have to fake it at
first!
What happens when you embody
curiosity? You delve deep into people’s
lives, you ask quality and inquisitive
questions, you keep the focus on them,
and you just strive to learn about them.

People like people who like them, so

you gain additional acceptance. You
cultivate an atmosphere of openness that
is often reciprocated.

You take the pressure off yourself when

you make your purpose in talking to
someone just to learn about them without
any other expectations or ulterior
motives. (This is especially salient and
noticeable when you’re talking to
attractive members of the opposite
sex…)

As usual, Dale Carnegie had some wise

words on this topic – “You can make
more friends in two months by becoming
truly interested in other people than you
can in two years by trying to get other
people interested in you.”

The Magnetic Impression: What a great

guy – I could tell that he was genuinely
interested in me and my hobbies. I can’t
believe I told him that crazy story about
my skiing!
Principle 13: Help ‘em chase
that feeling.

Everyone has a fake laugh.

I do. You know you do. Your mother

does. Even your significant other has a
special one they reserve just for you.

We don’t like using it, and we know that

there is a stigma against being fake with
people, so to speak. So why do all of us
possess a fake laugh that we probably
use on a daily basis?

Because we know that laughter is often

the reaction that people are seeking and
chasing.

And when we give people the reaction

they seek in a conversation or otherwise,
it makes conversation flow smoothly,
endears people to us, and encourages
them to open up more because you are
clearly on their level of understanding.

Yep, all that from fake laughter.

Of course, this isn’t a principle about
utilizing your fake laughter and using
fake flattery to get closer to people. This
is a principle about reading the emotion
that people are trying to convey… and
give it to them.

Someone is relating an angry story?

Vocalize your outrage and resist playing
devil’s advocate. Someone tells you
how confusing the directions were to a
LEGO spaceship? Commiserate and
relate the time you broke your IKEA
shelf trying to put it together.

This has a few mental and psychological

benefits.
People loved to be agreed with, and
when you find someone that seems to
know exactly the feeling that you are
conveying, it’s an instant bond. We
assume that they are on our level
emotionally and intelligence-wise, and
are instantly more intrigued by what they
have to say.

Showing an understanding of the

emotions that are being conveyed also
amplifies the emotion within the speaker,
which usually translates into added
energy within the conversation, directed
towards you. This is positive.

And what do we do when we find

someone that seems to understand us,
and we’re energized? We direct that
energy into opening up to them more than
we would have otherwise.

As you can see, it’s a slippery slope of

openness that you can create just by
intuiting the emotional reaction that
someone is seeking and giving it to them.

A key point in this principle is to be

overly demonstrative and exaggerate
your reactions… because chances are,
they are much more subtle and quiet than
you think, which provides little to zero
impact. You want to be sure that the
other person knows and is aware that
you are amplifying their emotions – there
is no point otherwise.
You might feel like you are parroting
people or faking it at first, but it’s a
mindset as much as practice-driven. As
with many things in life, a halfway
measure is mostly useless.

A final note to any potential detractors of

this principle: there is no fakeness or
manipulation at work here. Reflecting an
emotion back to someone is simply a
trait of emotional intelligence, and
should be used as a tool to lubricate any
interaction. It’s something we all do
instinctively, and being purposeful about
what drives human connections isn’t
negative.
Besides, since when is it fake to attempt
to relate to people? Remember what our
goal is here in this book!

The Magnetic Impression: I can’t

believe she knew exactly what I meant
when I was talking about my weight
loss… and my dog’s death… and my car
accident! Is she my twin?
Principle 14: What does your
face say?

Ever hear of a phenomenon called

“resting bitch face?”

It might seem exclusive to women, but I

assure you that many men suffer from it
as well – “resting asshole face” for men.
Resting bitch face is when your default
face, the face which shows no emotion
and is not reacting to anything, is simply
an intimidating looking frown.

Why do I bring this up?

Those with resting bitch face are

communicating something that is
unintended to their detriment. They might
be calm, happy, or just daydreaming, but
their outward appearance is going to be
one of anger, arrogance, aloofness, or
just plain bitchiness. At least those are
the judgments and assumptions that
people will make of them!

My point here is that often, we convey

emotions that we don’t intend to, and
other times we don’t convey any at all.
Left unchecked, it’s a recipe for
miscommunication and terrible
connections because people won’t be
able to read you accurately, and will
rarely be on the same wavelength
emotionally as a result.

In any case, it’s a matter of aligning your

physical appearance (your face and
facial expressions) with your internal
emotional state to make sure you’re not
conveying mixed messages, or even
worse, feeding misunderstandings.

Translation: learn to pass the mirror test.

Align your inner emotion with your
physical appearance.

It’s a matter of feeling an emotion, and

noticing how you convey it physical
through your facial expressions and body
language. Do they match up? Do you
even show any emotion? Or are there
mixed messages all over the place?

A quick example is smiling and laughing

when someone is nervous or angry.

So how do other people perceive your

smiling, frowning, arms crossing, and
angry glare?

This is extremely important for you to

figure out and curate, because any time
there is a misalignment of the external
and internal representations of an
emotion, you can be sure that there will
be a misunderstanding. Accurately
representing how you feel inside is key
because it keeps communication
straightforward, keeps you honest, and
avoids any sort of reading between the
lines.

Smile when you’re happy, frown when

you’re not. Sounds simple, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately, our subconscious takes

over much of the time to withdraw and
protect ourselves. If you think your body
language during an intense conversation
or argument is open-minded and
accepting, think again. Were you actually
folding your arms, standing menacingly,
and raising your voice?

Although not immediately apparent,

passing the mirror test can set the tone
for a connection that has no hidden
messages or miscommunication!

The Magnetic Impression: She was so

straightforward and easy to talk to. I
could tell she had nothing to hide and
was just so genuine.
Principle 15: When are you
the general or soldier?

“Where do you want to eat tonight?”

“Oh, I don’t care. You pick.”

Some people get fixated on topics and

things and there’s nothing you can do
about it. Let them.
Others don’t care whatsoever about
where a conversation is going and are
just happy to be along for the ride. No
problem.

Fortunately, most of us fall somewhere

in between of assertiveness, but that
doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t be
beneficial to know how to deal with the
outliers that you will undoubtedly run
into.

Knowing when you can be assertive in

leading an interaction versus when you
must take a more passive role is key to
building a connection with those outliers
and everyone in between.
We must realize that most conversations
lead absolutely nowhere, are forgettable,
and languish in generalities born by two
people that are just nice enough to let
this happen. When you either take charge
or appropriately let a bull lead, it takes
conversations in places that at least one
of the parties wants to go, and people
with direction are generally far more
interesting and interested in talking and
connecting. This is why taking charge of
stepping aside is important.

But being assertive or too passive with

someone, each extreme has the potential
of alienating people – how do you
balance this, know when to reach each,
all with the goal of magnetism and
connection in mind? This applies to
leadership, conflicts, and the vast
majority of daily interactions.

Unfortunately, there’s no silver bullet

here, but a series of silver punches – a
battery of questions that you must ask
yourself internally to determine whether
to take charge or the back seat.

First, start by reading the interaction and

the person.

This is the most difficult step and takes

the most practice. Is the person the kind
to take charge? How do they act in their
social circle or friend group? What role
do they play in planning and directing
social outings? Do people look to them
for support and direction? Do they often
compromise or plan so that they can
have their own way?

Second, read the context and situation.

Is there a deadline coming up, or other

urgency factor that would make someone
want to take charge more? Is there a
relaxed tone that might make no one care
about leading? Is the other person
feeling lazy or stressed out? Are they in
a good or bad mood, is the conversation
or direction important to them, or is it
something they have a particular interest
or knowledge in? Strive to mentally
catalog these thoughts, as
misunderstandings and overreactions
happen when one isn’t aware of all
important factors of an interaction!

Third, predict the future of the

interaction.

What will garner the best outcome? Will

appeasing them be beneficial? Should
you take charge if you’re better suited
to? What will outside perception be?
Are you in a win-win interaction, or a
lose-lose interaction where it would be
best to sit back and passively let it
happen?

Fourth (and this really does deserve a

point of its own), is the person you’re
interacting with a conversation bull?

Someone who will keep talking about

themselves, and doesn’t seem to enjoy
making a conversation mutual? Or do
they show hints of being close-minded,
judgmental, and thus want to take
charge? Some people just don’t like
accepting ideas from others, and there’s
nothing inherently wrong with that.
Figuring out the way to deal with them
effectively is the name of the game.

Leading and following an interaction has

the power to move into someone’s zone
of comfort and openness, or let it die
like most conversations.
The Magnetic Impression: The way she
handled that guy who wouldn’t stop
insisting on going out was amazing!
Principle 16: Compliment and
express freely.

In a perfect world, everyone would feel

free to share how much they loved
everyone and how much they
appreciated their friends and family.

Relationships would be unimaginably

tighter, and the levels of day to day
happiness that people experience would
be simply amazing. People would know
exactly where they stood with each
other, and there wouldn’t be such a thing
as playing games or playing passive
aggressive. I also would not have a job.

Of course, that doesn’t reflect reality,

and there are too many reasons that
people don’t open up and make
themselves vulnerable to those that
matter.

That’s a shame.

But what’s this go to do with being

magnetic, impressing, connecting, and
influencing?
If there’s anything that could emulate at
least a fraction of the emotionally
utopian world that I touched on above…
it’s complimenting and expressing
positivity more freely.

Beyond that, there are just a host of

reasons that you should compliment and
express positivity more to people.

First of all, compliments make people

feel good.

People gravitate towards those that make

them feel good, and by all accounts and
association, that is you. Compliments are
mutually beneficial – that’s the low
hanging fruit of complimenting more. Be
the one to completely change the tone of
a room or discussion by your
compliments. This is simple human
psychology and conditioning and its
best, and there’s no reason you shouldn’t
exploit it to the fullest.

Second, we already know that

everyone’s favorite subject is
themselves.

A compliment typically encourages

people to expand about a positive aspect
of themselves, and it’s not often people
get a chance to brag outright in such a
direct manner – a typical conversation
will almost never lead you to that point
without cringe worthy braggadocio.
Expanding on a compliment is a socially
accepted way to talk about yourself
because you didn’t initiate it.

This also harkens back to the very first

principle in this book: appeal to
people’s perceived selves. The more
personal and intimate to a person’s
identity that a compliment feels, the
stronger the positive emotional response
will be. It’s a blatant affirmation of the
traits that people like in themselves, and
it’s something that they will likely hold
onto for a while and look back to in
times of self-doubt and low self-esteem.

You may not realize it, but personal

compliments about what people
perceive their strengths (and weaknesses
especially) to be are likely tucked away
in people’s mental notebooks for further
use.

Third, it gives direction to a

conversation, and sometimes that is
necessary. If a conversation is flailing or
dying, for example. A compliment is a
great way to stave off an awkward
conversation lull and recapture
someone’s interest and attention. It can
also serve to deflect and redirect from a
topic that was hitting too close to home
for comfort… for either party.

Finally, being on the hunt to compliment

people is an extremely valuable skill for
you to have. It frames your thoughts in a
positive manner, making you more
pleasurable to be around.

It also flexes your observational skills

more than you might think... which is a
tremendous skill that can be used in
every walk of life.

How much better of an employee or boss

are you if you have great observation
skills? How much better of a lover and
significant other? A friend?
Alternatively, just think about your
favorite joke from your favorite stand-up
comic. It was probably observational!

Cultivate a compliment-filled world.

The Magnetic Impression: He is so kind,
and I can’t believe he noticed that I’ve
been making an effort to dress better.
That was one of my yearly resolutions!
Principle 17: Never just “No.”

Improv comedy is quickly becoming one

of my favorite things to watch. It’s quite
a step up from the normal night of
Netflix or going out to an actual movie
theater, which I might be doing instead.

I love it because it gives the performers

a chance to create some real, ‘lightning
only strikes once’ moments that only the
crowd can be witness to.

Most of all, I love it for the interplay

between the performers and how well
they are able to work off of each other
and work towards a common goal. The
flow of a professional improv show is
an incredible sight to see. Wayne Brady,
eat your heart out.

There are quite a few lessons we can

take from our performers to apply to
social situations and becoming an
overall magnetic person – the parallels
to conversations are staggering if you
give it a second thought – being able to
go with the flow of a conversation, not
leaving your conversation partner out to
dry, and just working together to connect
better.

But you know what the first rule of

improv comedy is? Never say no.

Don’t lead with it, don’t take a negative

stance, and keep yourself open to your
partner’s direction.

Just imagine how awkward and

disjointed improv would be if people
led with no half the time. “Okay… so
you DON’T like animals or the zoo? I
guess we’ll go to a baseball game
instead…”

In short order, leading with no in an

interaction is negative, discouraging,
close-minded, often rude and
judgmental, frustrating, a buzzkill, and a
death kiss for smooth flow.

So what exactly does this mean for you

in concrete, actionable terms? Just don’t
lead with “no.” Don’t outright deny
something is true, tell people that they
are wrong, dismiss their comments or
concerns, or otherwise deny the flow of
the conversation that they are trying to
create.

Besides disrupting the flow, leading so

negatively may encourage people to
become defensive around your denials,
which can inject unnecessary tension
into an interaction. You suddenly
become adversaries, with one being
right and one being wrong – to what
end?

Learn to listen first instead of having a

kneejerk reaction of negativity to people,
and this will include developing
relatively gentle and harmless key
phrases to substitute for “no.”

The key and underlying message is to

greet your conversation and interaction
partner with positivity, which
encourages them to continue to open up.
If they are met with negativity, they
could very well feel judged, and no one
wants to open themselves up for more of
that!

Whether you need to impose an internal

no interruptions rule to allow people to
say their piece, that’s for you to decide.
But leading with “no” is going to be the
biggest habit you can change instantly
that you will be able to see instant
dividends from.

The Magnetic Impression: What a great

conversation, he was so open to
everything I was talking about and
seemed so interested!
Principle 18: Calibrate towards
a role model.

I make no secret of the fact that I still

idolize Will Smith’s Fresh Prince
character from the similarly named
television show.

To me, he’s everything that a charming,

magnetic personality should be. He says
what he wants, is amazingly likeable, is
comfortable being at the center of the
room, is confident to the point of being
arrogant, and most of all he is hilarious.

His mannerisms with women are also off

the charts, but that’s for another book.

When I was first starting to diligently

grow my own social skills and break out
of my shell, he was an important concept
for me. Since he embodied many of the
things I wanted, I was able to grow,
sometimes in a forced and artificial way,
closer to my personal ideal simply by
asking myself one question.

What would the Fresh Prince do?

It’s a powerful question to ask yourself
for a reasons.

First, it takes the focus off the situation

at hand that you might not be comfortable
in.

Asking yourself a question about how

someone else would act takes the
pressure off of asking how you yourself
should act. It’s always easier to observe
and give advice to other people (hello,
relationships), and it’s no different here.
Viewing things through an objective,
relatively impersonal perspective and
frame of someone else will allow you to
analyze the social situation that you are
in, and calibrate your next moves.

Second, it allows you to actually

develop your social skills to the end
goal that you want.

Every time you ask yourself this

question, your reaction and justification
will become that much easier until it is
second nature. There’s no awkward
fumbling about and analyzing social
situations in hindsight – you will
essentially be able to condition yourself
in the heat of the moment to act how you
want and make your actions as a reflex.

Third, simply having a role model (or 3)

in mind allows you to analyze what traits
you actually value and want to develop.

For instance, perhaps you want to

develop more confidence and being
more outspoken in social situations. In
that case, you might ask yourself what
someone like Robert Downey Jr. would
do, or whoever the female equivalent
might be. For another trait you want to
develop, for example a razor sharp
sense of wit and humor, perhaps you
could ask yourself what Conan O’Brien
would do.

Everyone has different strengths and

weaknesses, and has a different
conception of how they want to be
perceived. Not everyone fits the
blatantly outgoing mold of being
magnetic, and that’s fine.

Other people that tend to resonate with

others in terms of wanting to emulate:
Tyler Durden, Don Draper, Charles
Zavier, Jack Donaghy, Ari Gold, John
Wayne, Sheryl Sandberg, Jennifer
Lawrence, Michelle Obama, Hilary
Clinton, Sarah Silverman, Tina Fey…
the list goes on. It’s about choosing
someone that excels in areas that you
feel like you don’t, and embodying them
from time to time to create lasting habits.

Fourth, thinking about what someone

would do is like wearing a mask at first.
As any trick or treater can attest to,
masks empower us and allow us to say
and think things that we wouldn’t dare to
otherwise. In a sense, this becomes a
safe place for you to retreat you when
you are in an unfamiliar social situation.

This principle is simply about

introspection – recognizing your faults
and shortcomings honestly, and
implementing a quick mental fix to help
you develop your skills into a level of
magnetism.

What would the Fresh Prince do here? I

like to think he would take advantage
and do the same!

The Magnetic Impression: She came off

so confident and sure of herself that she
reminded me of Michelle Obama, what a
great impression!
Principle 19: Social cues for
social success.

Imagine that you’ve just received a

screenplay with a novel plot, fantastic
characters, and a compelling twist at the
end.

There’s just one problem – there is no

narration to set the stage or introduce the
characters whatsoever.
You have no idea where scenes end and
begin, how the characters are
positioned, what they feel, or who
anyone even is!

This is what an interaction is like

without social cues.

Social cues (also known as hints, clues,

signs, etc.) are small verbal and non-
verbal hints that guide social interaction
implicitly, and are used by most of us on
an unconscious level on a daily basis.
They tell us what people are really
saying.

It turns out that we intuit so much of

people’s intentions, motivations, and
emotions through implicit means such as
facial expressions, body language, tone
of voice, and even how close people
stand to us.

Social cues, at their most basic level, act

to reduce the amount of ambiguity in the
communications we receive from others.
It’s why we can say something and mean
completely the opposite – social cues
will indicate otherwise and provide us
an interpretation that allows for humor
and sarcasm.

Given that most of us have had decades

of practice in reading social cues at this
point, it has allowed us to form a mental
model of people’s behaviors and
intentions that serves us well. This is
why we can say things like “I’ve got a
bad feeling about her,” or “I just knew
he was thinking that!”

You just know it because you know what

signs indicate it and also indicate the
opposite. It’s only when we are faced
with the absence of them do we realize
how important of a role they play in our
lives.

The ability to recognize social cues and

react accordingly is also precisely what
the people we deem “socially awkward”
lack.
 A large part of social cues hinges on
how socially aware and observant one
is. You and I both know people that lack
those traits. It requires practice, but with
some guidelines below, I hope to
drastically reduce the amount of
repetitions that it might take someone to
learn a wide range of social cues. Keep
in mind that this is an extremely basic
and abbreviated list because cues differ
from person to person and many cannot
even be articulated.
1. Body language.
1.1. Are they facing you or
slightly turned away? Indicates
disinterest or discomfort.
1.2. What directions are their
feet facing? Indicates whether they
want to keep talking to you or leave.
1.3. Are they fidgeting or do
they appear antsy otherwise?
Indicates discomfort or anxiety.
1.4. Are their arms and legs
crossed, or uncrossed and more open
and inviting? Indicates how
comfortable and open they feel to
you.
1.5. Is their posture slumped
over or more horizontal than
vertical? Indicates boredom or
disinterest.
1.6. Are they using quick,
decisive gestures? Indicates anger or
annoyance.
1.7. Are they touching you?
Indicates comfort and affection.
2. Eyes.
2.1. Are they making eye
contact with you or scanning in back
of you? Indicates boredom.
2.2. Are they avoiding eye
contact with you? Indicates boredom
or possible dislike.
2.3. Are they staring at you?
Indicates possible confrontation,
anxiety, or boredom.
3. Distance.
3.1. Are they standing close to
you? Indicates comfort.
3.2. Are they moving farther
away every time you move close?
Indicates discomfort.
4. Facial expressions.
4.1. Are they squinting at you?
 Indicates skepticism or annoyance.
4.2. Can you see micro-
expressions form before they can
hide them?
4.3. Are their eyebrows
shooting up? Indicates surprise or
happiness.
4.4. Are their smiles fake or
genuine? You can tell this by how
much their eyes crinkle, and if they
show their teeth.
4.5. Are they rolling their
eyes at you? Indicates skepticism and
annoyance.
5. Verbal cues.
5.1. Are they acknowledging
what you’re saying, or just giving
you “Uh huh”s?
 5.2. Are they using rising
vocal tone and inflection? Indicates
confusion or anger.
5.3. Are they stuttering or
stumbling over how to address
something? Indicates nervousness or
disinterest in a topic.
5.4. Are they laughing or
giggling at what you say? Indicates
affection.
5.5. Do they keep asking
questions? Indicates interest.
6. Other behaviors.
6.1. Are they checking their
phone a lot? Indicates boredom.
6.2. Did they excuse
themselves quickly after beginning to
talk to you? Indicates dislike.
 6.3. Do they continually refer
to other things they have to be doing?
Indicates anxiety and boredom.
Finally, as you might have gathered,
social cues are pretty much key to
flirting and most kinds of interaction
with the opposite sex. We know that our
dates will never tell us exactly what
they’re thinking or if they even like us,
but the hunt for social cues of attraction
– this fuels chemistry, sexual tension,
and the exhilarating feeling of the chase.

Social cues are the narrative, the behind

the scenes direction, the crib notes, and
the informants that tell us what people
are really saying without having to say it
at all.
The Magnetic Impression: He was so
intuitive! He picked up on everything I
was trying to say but was too polite to
actually say out loud. What an observant
guy.
Principle 20: Find your image.

Ultimately, we can possess all the

requisite behaviors and charm to be
magnetic, but if we don’t look or act the
part, it probably won’t happen.

It’s just the shallow world we live in.

Judgments are made in a split second,
and whether justified or not, decisions
based on the first impression persist
until there is concrete evidence to the
contrary.

Therefore, it’s of utmost importance to

ensure that the first impression and
image that you present is exactly what
you want.

Your image has verbal and non-verbal

components, and since this isn’t a book
on style or body language, let’s focus on
the verbal component, which includes
what you say and how you say it to
cultivate a magnetic image.

First, it’s helpful to introspect and think

of a few adjectives that you would like
people to describe you as.
We are reminded of the role models we
want to emulate here – the best ways to
improve are to know exactly what your
end goals are so you can formulate a
plan designed specifically towards that
purpose. Having a specific image and
adjectives in mind also influences your
wardrobe, body language, and tone of
voice.

Second, how do we actually go about

cultivating the image that you want? This
is a process that people notice over time
by the way you talk and what you bring
up… with specific, pointed stories and
anecdotes.
 Here’s the process to find these for
yourself. Sit down with a pen and paper
and brainstorm the following about
yourself:
1. 5 adjectives that you want to convey to
others.
2. Your 10 most interesting and unique
experiences.
3. 6 things you are really great at
4. 6 of your greatest accomplishments.
5. 5 unique daily habits you have.
6. 5 favorite past times and activities.
7. 5 thoughts you’ve had that you think are
pretty unique.
Got it? It’s not easy to pump these out, so
take a bit of time to consider them.

Now try relating everything that you

listed from points 2-7 to something from
point 1. This is designed to help you
develop a mindset about the image that
you want, and begin to think in terms of
someone who is “hilarious” or whatever
your adjective might be.

For example, if your target adjective is

indeed hilarious, what are the funny
angles on your 10 most interesting
experiences? The funny angles and
stories on the 7 things you are great at?
And so on.

It’s impossible to not embody your target

adjectives for your image if that’s
literally all you talk about!
The idea isn’t to shoehorn your
experiences and stories into every
conversation – that’s a recipe for
instantly being labeled as self-absorbed
and selfish. It’s just to develop a frame
for yourself.

Every superhero has their backstory and

narrative. Once that’s established, every
story about them is told through the
image that they have created for
themselves. Think of it as a way to
utilize your experiences to shape your
narrative!

The Magnetic Impression: She is a

seriously adventurous individual! I
couldn’t believe that everything she
talked about and has done in the past
year is so crazy and travel-related!
Conclusion

It’s a long path to becoming truly

magnetic and ooze charisma, but I
sincerely believe this book presents you
the vast majority of tools you need for
social success. It won’t be a matter of
you digging for what to say and trying to
extend conversations beyond their
expiration date. You may soon find
yourself with the problem of curation
and filtering who to spend your time
with as a result of your newfound social
standing – that’s what we call a nice
problem to have.

If I haven’t already, I want to emphasize

the practice and re-reading required to
truly grasp most of these principles. I
have faith in you that you can absolutely
accomplish what you hope to from
buying this book, but it will be a
process. You will need to iterate. You
will be uncomfortable at times. But
every semi-failure is a stepping stone to
your next social success. Re-read this
book and some of the principles you are
struggling to implement.
When it all starts to come together for
you, I hope you can notice the drastic
before-after effect that these skills can
provide for you! I wish you the best and
here’s to becoming truly magnetic.

Sincerely,

Patrick King
Dating and Social Skills Coach
www.PatrickKingConsulting.com

P.S. If you enjoyed this book, please

don’t be shy and drop me a line, leave a
review, or both! I love reading
feedback, and reviews are the lifeblood
of Kindle books, so they are always
welcome and greatly appreciated.

Other books by Patrick King include:

CHATTER: Small Talk, Charisma, and

How to Talk to Anyone
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00J5HH2Y6
Speaking and Coaching

Imagine going far beyond the contents of

this book and dramatically improving the
way you interact with the world and the
relationships you’ll build.

Are you interested in contacting Patrick

for:

A social skills workshop for your

 workplace
Speaking engagements on the power of
conversation and charisma
Personalized social skills and
conversation coaching

Patrick speaks around the world to help

people improve their lives as a result of
the power of building relationships with
improved social skills. He is a
recognized industry expert, bestselling
author, and speaker.

To invite Patrick to speak at your next

event or to inquire about coaching, get in
touch directly through his website’s
contact form at
http://www.PatrickKingConsulting.com/co
or contact him directly at
[email protected].
Cheat Sheet

Before devouring the cheat

sheet, remember as a FREE
show of appreciation to my
readers, I’ve got TWO great
resources for you:
>> CLICK HERE For
 The Flawless
Interaction Checklist
and Better
Conversations
Worksheet! <<

The Checklist describes in-

depth the 7 essential
components to exceptional
interactions and conversations
between you and everyone
from a stranger to your
partner – and The Worksheet
puts a few of those
components to the test with
practice exercises that will
instantly upgrade any
conversation.
CLICK HERE to
download your FREE
copies now!

Principle 1: Appeal to people’s

perceived selves. Zero in on what
people seem to pride themselves on and
appeal to them on a personal level.

Principle 2: Callback to conversational

high points. Mentally catalog a few
emotionally high points of a
conversation and refer to them later for
personalized attention.

Principle 3: Utilize the touch effect.

Touch has the power to comfort,
familiarize, and by touching, you put
yourself into the friend stratosphere.

Principle 4: Sometimes the best question

is silence. Well-placed silences and
pauses will show confidence in yourself
and encourage the other person to fill the
silence.
Principle 5: The Power of “Why.” Ask
“why” like a curious child and you will
be able to dig deep into people as very
few have done ever before.

Principle 6: Filler phrases feel like

chemistry. Develop a few go-to filler
phrases to meet people’s expectations of
a flowing, chemistry-filled conversation.

Principle 7: You don’t have to be an

extrovert. Introverts and extroverts can
be similarly magnetic, but simply
approach connecting from a different
angle.

Principle 8: The anti-Judge Judy. You

can diffuse conflict gracefully simply by
giving others the benefit of the doubt and
figuring out what the root causes are.

Principle 9: How to be the great

storyteller. Internalize a story’s optimal
structure and exaggerate your emotions
during the deliver to deliver a great
story.

Principle 10: No pedants allowed. Don’t

correct others on small things that don’t
matter – correctness doesn’t make
friends.

Principle 11: Don’t debate tastes and

opinions. If you try to change someone’s
taste or opinion, you become an
adversary giving unsolicited advice.

Principle 12: But really, curiosity trumps

all. Having a curious mindset towards
the other person will influence every
phase of your conversation and
relationship at large.

Principle 13: Help ‘em chase that

feeling. Figure out the emotion that other
people are trying to convey and give it to
them in spades.

Principle 14: What does your face say?

Practice the mirror test and aligning your
emotions and your physical appearance
thereof.
Principle 15: When are you the general
or soldier? Know when to lead an
interaction and when the other person
will be stubborn and bullish about its
direction.

Principle 16: Compliment and express

freely. Complimenting people and the
way it allows people to brag freely
conditions them to enjoy your presence.

Principle 17: Never just “No.” Stay

positive and don’t tell others “no” from
the outset, as it makes them defensive
and shuts down conversations.

Principle 18: Calibrate towards a role

model. Find a role model for social
interactions, confidence, any trait you
would like to develop and ask what they
would do when you’re in a bind.

Principle 19: Social cues for social

success. Learn to observe and recognize
well-known social cues that will tell you
what people are really saying to you or
about you.

Principle 20: Find your image. Figure

out how you want to be perceived and
the image you want to convey, and work
towards viewing your life experiences
through that lens.