SIX: THE MUSICAL

SCRIPT

CAST:
Catherine of Aragon:
Anne Boleyn:
Jane Seymour:
Anne of Cleves:
Katheryn Howard:
Catherine Parr:

Lights up. The Queens emerge, one by one, and arrange

themselves in order, heads down.
SONG – EX-WIVES

ARAGON:
DIVORCED

BOLEYN:
BEHEADED

SEYMOUR:
DIED

CLEVES:
DIVORCED

HOWARD:
BEHEADED

PARR:
SURVIVED

ARAGON:
And tonight, CH, we are…

ALL:
LIVE!

ARAGON:
LISTEN UP, LET ME TELL YOU A STORY

BOLEYN:
A STORY THAT YOU THINK YOU’VE HEARD BEFORE

SEYMOUR:
WE KNOW YOU KNOW OUR NAMES AND OUR FAME AND OUR FACES

CLEVES:
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE GLORIES AND THE DISGRACES

HOWARD:
I’M DONE ‘CAUSE ALL THIS TIME, I WAS JUST ONE WORD IN
A STUPID RHYME

PARR:
SO I PICKED UP A PEN AND A MICROPHONE

ALL:
HISTORY’S ABOUT TO GET OVERTHROWN

ARAGON:
DIVORCED

BOLEYN:
BEHEADED

SEYMOUR:
DIED

CLEVES:
DIVORCED

HOWARD:
BEHEADED

PARR:
SURVIVED

ALL:
BUT JUST FOR YOU TONIGHT
WE’RE DIVORCED, BEHEADED, LIVE
WELCOME TO THE SHOW, TO THE HISTOREMIX
SWITCHING UP THE SHOW AS WE ADD THE PREFIX
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT WE USED TO BE SIX WIVES
RAISING UP THE ROOF ‘TIL WE HIT THE CEILING
GET READY FOR THE TRUTH THAT WILL BE REVEALING
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT WE USED TO BE SIX WIVES
BUT NOW WE’RE EX-WIVES

INSTRUMENTAL
 ARAGON:
ALL YOU EVER HEAR AND READ ABOUT

BOLEYN:
IS OUR EX AND THE WAY IT ENDED

SEYMOUR:
BUT A PAIR DOESN’T BEAT A ROYAL FLUSH

CLEVES:
YOU’RE GONNA FIND OUT HOW WE GOT UNFRIENDED

HOWARD:
TONNIGHT WE’RE GONNA DO OURSELVES JUSTICE, ‘CAUSE
WE’RE TAKING YOU TO COURT

PARR:
EVERY TUDOR ROSE HAS ITS THORNS, AND YOU’RE GONNA
HEAR ‘EM LIVE, IN CONSORT

ARAGON:
DIVORCED

BOLEYN:
BEHEADED

SEYMOUR:
DIED

CLEVES:
DIVORCED

HOWARD:
BEHEADED

PARR:
SURVIVED

ALL:
BUT JUST FOR YOU TONIGHT
 WE’RE DIVORCED, BEHEADED, LIVE
WELCOME TO THE SHOW TO THE HISTOREMIX
SWITCHNG UP THE SHOW AS WE ADD THE PREFIX
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT WE USED TO BE SIX WIVES
DANCING TO THE BEAT, ‘TIL THE BREAK OF DAY
ONCE WE’RE DONE WE’LL START AGAIN
LIKE IT’S THE RENAISSANCE
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT WE USED TO BE SIX WIVES
BUT NOW WE’RE EX WIVES

ALL BAR ARAGON:

DIVORCED

ARAGON:
MY NAME’S CATHERINE OF ARAGON
WAS MARRIED 24 YEARS
I’M A PARAGON OF ROYALTY
MY LOYALTY IS TO THE BATICAN
SO IF YOU TRY TO DUMP ME..
YOU WON’T TRY THAT AGAIN

AL BAR BOLEYN:
BEHEADED

BOLEYN:
I’M THAT BOLEYN GIRL
AND I’M UP NEXT
SEE I BROKE ENGLAND FROM THE CHURCH
YEAH, I’M THAT SEXY
WHY DID I LOSE MY HEAD?
WELL MY SLEEVES MAY BE GREEN
BUT MY LIPSTICK’S RED

ALL BAR SEYMOUR:

DIED

SEYMOUR:
JANE SEYMOUR
 THE ONLY ONE HE TRULY LOVED

ALL BAR SEYMOUR:

RUDE

SEYMOUR:
WHEN MY SON WAS NEWLY BORN, I DIED
BUT I’M NOT WHAT I SEEM
OR I MIGHT STICK AROUND
AND YOU’RE SUDDENLY SEE MORE

ALL BAR CLEVES:

DIVORCED

CLEVES:
ICH BIN ANNA OF CLEVES

ALL BAR CLEVES:

JA

CLEVES:
WHEN HE SAW MY PORTRAIT
HE WAS LIKE

ALL BAR CLEVES:

JA

CLEVES:
BUT I DIDN’T LOOK AS GOOD AS I DID IN MY PIC
FUNNY HOW WE ALL DISCUSS THAT
AND NEVER HENRY’S LITTLE-

HOWARD:
PRICK UP YOUR EARS
I’M THE KATHRYN WHO LOST HER HEAD

ALL BAR HOWARD:

BEHEADED

HOWARD:
 FOR MY PROMISCUITIES OUTSIDE OF WED
LOCK UP YOUR HUSBANDS, LOCK UP YOUR SONS
K-HOWARD IS HERE
AND THE FUN’S BEGUN

ALL BAR PARR:

SURVIVED

PARR:
FIVE DOWN, I’M THE FINAL WIFE
I SAW HIM TO THE END OF HIS LIFE
I’M THE SURVIVOR, CATHERINE PARR
I BET YOU WANNA KNOW HOW I GOT THIS FAR
I SAID I BET YOU WANNA KNOW
HOW I GOT THIS FAR

ALL:
DO YOU WANNA KNOW HOW WE GOT THIS FAR THEN
WELCOME TO THE SHOW, TO THE HISTOREMIX
SWITCHING UP THE TRUTH AS WE ADD THE PREFIX
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT WE USED TO BE SIX WIVES
GET YOUR HANDS UP, GET THIS PARTY BUZZING
YOU WANT A QUEEN BEE? WELL THERE’S HALF A DOZEN
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT WE USED TO BE SIX WIVES
BUT NOW WE’RE EX-WIVES

INSTRUMENTAL

ALL:
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE
SIX!

Song ends.

ARAGON:
CH, how you doing tonight?

BOLEYN:
We said, how you doing tonight?
 SEYMOUR:
We are

ALL:
SIX!

SEYMOUR:
And welcome to our divorced, beheaded, live, tour!

BOLEYN:
CH, we got a whole lot in store for you tonight.

ARAGON:
That right girl, we got the wrists to ruffle your
ruffs and a whole lot of history.

PARR:
Or as we like to call it, herstory.

They all obnoxiously laugh, the abruptly stop.

CLEVES:
Obviously, you know who we are. So you came here
tonight to party with us old-school.

SEYMOUR:
Really really old-school.

Everyone glares at her.

SEYMOUR:
You’re gonna have fun.

ARAGON:
We got a serious score to settle.

HOWARD:
‘Cause, you see, CH, the problem with us there’s
 ALL:
SIX!

HOWARD:
Of us. And we know you’ve all got your favourites.

ARAGON:
And everybody always wants to know, who’s the most
important wife?

CLEVES:
And they’ve been arguing about it for centuries.

PARR:
We’ve heard it all.

ARAGON:
Who lasted longest was the strongest.

BOLEYN:
The biggest sinner is obvs the winner.

SEYMOUR:
Who has the son takes number one.

CLEVES:
Who was most chased shall be first place.

HOWARD:
The most inglorious is victorious.

PARR:
The winning contestant was the most protestant!
Protestant.

ARAGON:
But tonight, we’re gonna answer your questions once
and for all.
 BOLEYN:
And tell you what you want, what you really, really
want! To know.

SEYMOUR:
That’re right, we’re here to help you figure out
which one of us is…

CLEVES:
The queen of the castle.

SEYMOUR:
The rose amongst the thorns.

HOWARD:
The Thomas Cromwell amongst the royal ministers
between 1532 and 1831.

ARAGON:
But how are we gonna choose our leading lady?

BOLEYN:
Well hold up. If this is gonna be a fair competition,
they’re gonna have to judge us by the one thing we
have in common.

SEYMOUR:
The queen to take the crown should be the one who has
the biggest…

HOWARD:
The firmest…

PARR:
The fullest…

CLEVES:
…Load of BS to deal with from the man who put a ring
on it.
 HOWARD:
So, we’re gonna hold a little contest for you.

BOLEYN:
And the rules are simple.

PARR:
The queen who was dealt the worst hand…

SEYMOUR:
The queen with the most hardships to withstand…

CLEVES:
The queen for whom it didn’t really go as planned…

ALL:
Shall be the one to lead the band!

ARAGON:
So what d you think, CH, are you ready to choose your
leading lady?

HOWARD:
We said, are you ready?!

ALL:
WELCOME TO THE SHOW
TO THE CORONATION
WHO WILL TAKE THE CROWN
BE THE POP SENSATION
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT WE USED TO BE SIX WIVES
SIX WIVES
WIX WIVES
WIX WIVES

ARAGON:
But there’s only one you need to hear from tonight,
CH. Give me a beat. So, since the day I arrived in
England, let’s just say my faith had been tested on
 more than one occasion. First things first, I was
shipped off from Spain on the night of my sweet
sixteen to marry some prince called Arthur and I’m
like “okay”. But then Arthur died, so naturally I’m
imprisoned for seven years. Really helped with the
grieving process, you know, but I’m still like,
“okay.” But thank God they rescued me just in time to
marry Prince Henry… my dead husband’s brother. Okay,
so I’m thinking “bit weird”, but if you’d seen him
back in the summer of ‘09. Let me tell you he was
okay. So seven years later, we’re still trying for an
heir. He’s trying really hard and I’m like “okay”,
and he starts coming home late. “I was just out with
my ministers!” But there’s lipstick on his ruff. And
I’m like “okay”. Suddenly, he wants to annul our
marriage, move some side chick into my palace and
move me into a convent! Now, now, now, now, I just
don’t think I’d look that good in a wimple, so I’m
like “No way.”

SONG – NO WAY

ARAGON:
YOU MUST AGREE, THAT BABY
IN ALL THE TIMES I’VE BEEN BY YOUR SIDE
I’VE NEVER LOST CONTROL
NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I KNEW YOU LIED
HAVE MY GOLDEN RULE
GOT TO KEEP MY COOL
YEAH, BABY

ALL BAR ARAGON:

YOU KNOW SHE’S GOT TO KEEP HER COOL

ARAGON:
AND EVEN THOUGH YOU’VE HAD YOUR FUN
RUNNING AROUND WITH SOME

ALL:
PRETTY YOUNG THING

ARAGON:
AND EVEN THOUGH YOU’VE HAD ONE SON
 WITH SOMEONE WHO DON’T OWN A

ALL:
WEDDING RING

ARAGON:
NO MATTER WHAT I HEARD
I DIDN’T SAY A WORD
NO, BABY

ALL:
YOU KNOW SHE NEVER SAID A WORD

ARAGON:
I’VE PUT UP WITH YOUR

ALL:
SH…

ARAGON:
LIKE, EVERY SINGLE DAY

ALL:
WOAH, WOAH

ARAGON:
BUT NOW IT’S TIME TO

ALL:
SHH,

ARAGON:
AND LISTEN WHEN I SAY
YOU MUST THINK THAT I’M CRAZY
YOU WANNA REPLACE ME, BABY THERE’S

ALL:
N-N-N-N-N-N-NO WAY

ARAGON:
IF YOU THINKN FOR A MOMENT
I’LL GRANT YOR ANNULMENT, JUST HOLD UP THERE’S

ALL:
 N-N-N-N-N-N-NO WAY

ARAGON:
NO WAY
NO WAY
THERE’S

ALL:
N-N-N-N-N-N-NO WAY

ARAGON:
NO WAY
NO WAY
THERES

ALL:
N-N-N-N-N-N-NO WAY

ARAGON:
THERE’S NO WAY
SO YOU READ A BIBLE VERSE THAT I’M CURSED
‘CAUSE I WAS YOUR BROTHER’S WIFE
YOU AS IT A PITY ‘CAUSE QUOTING LEVITICUS
I’LL END UP KIDDY-LESS ALL MY LIFE
WELL DADDY, WEREN’T YOU THERE
WHEN I GAVE BIRTH TO MARY
Oh, you don’t remember?

ALL:
DAUGHTERS ARE SO EASY TO FORGET

ARAGON:
YOU’RE JUST SO FULL OF

ALL:
SH…

ARAGON:
YOU MUST THINK I’M NAÏVE
ALL:
WOAH, WOAH

ARAGON:
I WON’T BACK DOWN
 WON’T

ALL:
SHH,

ARAGON:
AND NO I’LL NEVER LEAVE
YOU MUST THINK THAT I’M CRAZY
YOU WANNA REPLACE ME, BABY THERE’S

ALL:
N-N-N-N-N-N-NO WAY

ARAGON:
IF YOU THOUGHT IT’D BE FUNNY
TO SEND ME TO A NUNNERY, HONEY, THERE’S

ALL:
NO WAY
NO WAY
NO WAY

ARAGON:
THERE’S

ALL:
N-N-N-N-N-N-NO WAY
NO WAY
NO WAY

ARAGON:
THERE’S

ALL:
N-N-N-N-N-N-NO WAY

ARAGON:
THERE’S NO WAY
Let’s go, girls!
ALL:
Woo!

ARAGON:
YOU’VE GOT ME DOWN ON MY KNEES,
PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK I’VE DONE WRONG
BEEN HUMBLE, BEEN LOYAL
I’VE TRIED TO SWALLOW MY PRIDE ALL ALONG
IF YOU COULD JUST EXPAIN
A SINGLE THING I’VE DONE TO CAUSE YOU PAIN
I’LL GO…
No?
YOU’VE GOT NOTHING TO SAY?
I’M NOT GOING AWAY
THERE’S NO WAY
YOU MUST THINK THAT I’M CRAZY
YOU WANNA REPLACE ME, BABY THERE’S

ALL:
N-N-N-N-N-N-NO WAY

ARAGON:
YOU MADE ME YOUR WIFE
SO I’LL BE QUEEN ‘TIL THE END OF MY LIFE

ALL:
N-N-N-N-N-N-NO WAY.

ARAGON:
N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-NO—

ALL BAR ARAGON:

NO WAY.

ARAGON:
N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-NO—

ALL BAR ARAGON:

NO WAY.

ARAGON:
N-N-N-N-N-NO, NO NO NO NO, NO, NO WAY.

ALL:
NO WAY.
NO WAY.

ARAGON:
 THERE’S

ALL:
N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-NO WAY.

ARAGON:
THERE’S NO WAY!

Song ends.

ARAGON
So clearly, I had the most to deal with from the
king. And I hit that top C so you know, like dónde
está my crown? Por favor.

HOWARD
Hang on a sec. Who was that other one?

ARAGON:
I think you’re thinking of me!

SEYMOUR:
No, there was definitely a really important one.

ARAGON:
Yeah, still me!

PARR:
Yeah. I think she, like, overlapped with you.

CLEVES:
Yeah, the really important, controversial one that
people actually care about.

SEYMOUR:
Yeah. You know…
THE ONE YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR.

ALL BAR BOLEYN:

THE ONE YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR.

HOWARD:
THE MYSTERY,
 CLEVES:
THE ONE WHO CHANGED HISTORY.

ALL BAR BOLEYN:

HISTORY,

CLEVES:
THE ONE WHO CHANGED HISTORY, MYSTERY,

ALL BAR BOLEYN:

THE TEMPTRESS.

ARAGON:
THE ONE WITH THE PLAN,
THE PLAN TO STEAL THE MAN!

ALL BAR BOLEYN:

ANNE!

PARR:
THE ONE WHO CHASED THE KING

SEYMOUR:
BUT PAID THE PRICE WITH A SWORDSMAN’S SWING

ALL BAR BOLEYN:

WILL SHE BE THE ONE TO WIN?

CLEVES & PARR:

ANNE BOLEYN

ARAGON & SEYMOUR:

ANNE BOLYEN

HOWARD & PARR:

ANNE BOLEYN

CLEVES & HOWARD:

ANNE BOLEYN

ARAGON & PARR:

ANNE BOLEYN
 SEYMOUR & CLEVES:
ANNE BOLEYN

PARR & HOWARD:

ANNE BOLEYN

ALL BARE BOLEYN:

ANNE BOLEYN!

BOLEYN sits, backstage centre, scrolling on here

phone. She looks up.

BOLEYN:
What? Oh… sorry.

SONG – DON’T LOSE UR HEAD

BOLEYN:
GREW UP IN THE FRENCH COURT
OUI, OUI, BONJOUR
LIFE WAS A CHORE SO

ALL BAR BOLEYN:

SHE SET SAIL

BOLEYN:
1522 CAME STRAIGHT TO THE UK
ALL THE BRITISH DUDES, LAME

ALL BAR BOLEYN:

EPIC FAIL

ALL:
OOO

BOLEYN:
I WANNA DANCE AND SING

ALL:
POLITICS

BOLEYN:
NOT MY THING
 ALL:
OOO

BOLEYN:
BUT THEN I MET THE KING
AND SOON MY DADDY SAID
“YOU SHOULD TRY AND GET AHEAD”
HE WANTED ME, HA, OBVIOUSLY
KEPT MESSAGING ME, LIKE, EVERY DAY
COULDN’T BE BETTER
THEN HE SENT ME A LETTER
AND WHO AM I KIDDING
I WAS PRET A MANGER

ALL:
OOO

BOLEYN:
SENT A REPLY

ALL:
OOO

BOLEYN:
JUST SAYING HI

ALL:
OOO

BOLEYN:
YOU’RE A NICE GUY
I’LL THINK ABOUT IT MAYBE
XO, BABY

ALL BAR BOLEYN:

UH OH

BOLEYN:
HERE WE GO

ALL BAR BOLEYN:

YOU SENT HIM KISSES?
 BOLEYN:
I DIDN’T KNOW I WOULD MOVE IN WITH HIS MRS

ALL BAR BOLEYN:

WHAT?

BOLEYN:
GET A LIFE!

ALL BAR BOLEYN:

YOU WERE LIVING WITH HIS WIFE?

BOLEYN:
LIKE WHAT WAS I MEANT TO DO?
SORRY, NOT SORRY, BOUT WHAT I SAID
I’M JUST TRYNA HAVE SOME FUN
DON’T WORRY, DON’T WORRY
DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD
I DIDN’T MEAN TO HURT ANYONE
LOL, SAY OH WELL
OR GO TO HELL
I’M SORRY, NOT SORRY, BOUT WHAT I SAID
DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD
THREE IN THE BED AND THE LITTLE ONE SAID
“IF YOU WANNA BE WED
MAKE UP YOUR MIND
HER OR ME, CHUM
DON’T WANNA BE SOME
GIRL IN A THREESOME
ARE YOU BLIND?”

ALL BAR BOLEYN:

OOO

BOLEYN:
DON’T BE BITTER

ALL BAR BOLEYN:

OOO

BOLEYN:
‘CAUSE I’M FITTER
 ALL BAR BOLEYN:
OOO
BOLEYN:
WHY HASN’T IT HIT HER
HE DOESN’T WANNA BANG YOU
SOMEBODY HANG YOU