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INTRODUCTION  BY  SAMANTHA  SANDERSON   4  

STEP  1:  WHAT  TO  DO  AFTER  THE  BREAKUP   12  

Getting  Through  the  Pain   16  

Expressing  Yourself  in  Healthy  Ways   19  

A  Little  Help  From  Your  Friends...   24  

STEP  2:  GIVE  IT  TIME   32  

The  Seven  Deadly  Mistakes   34  

Time  to  Heal   45  

Feeling  the  Pain   47  

Work  on  a  Better  You   51  

Treat  Yourself  Better   56  

Contact  With  Your  Ex   61  

How  Long  Should  The  No  Contact  Phase  Last?   63  

What  About  Long-­‐Distance  Relationships?   64  

When  “No  Contact”  Isn’t  Possible   65  

The  “Push-­‐Pull”  Of  Attraction   67  

The  Negative  Emotion  Neutralizer   69  

Use  Mutual  Friends  To  Make  Him  Think  Of  You   71  

Make  Him  Miss  You  &  Fantasize  About  You   72  

STEP  3:  LOOKING  AT  WHAT  WENT  WRONG   75  

Figuring  Out  What  the  Problem  Was   78  

Questions  To  Consider  About  Your  Ex...   80  

Why  Men  Leave   81  

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So  What  Do  Guys  Really  Want?!   87  

Refusing  to  Play  Games   90  

STEP  4:  GETTING  BACK  TOGETHER   96  

Re-­‐Establishing  Contact   98  

How  To  Contact  Him   100  

Meeting  Up   108  

How  To  Pass  A  Test  He  Might  Spring  On  You…   110  

How  To  Make  Him  Think  Getting  Back  Together  Is  100%  His  Idea   112  

Other  Things  To  Avoid   114  

STEP  5:  MAKING  IT  BETTER   121  

Hitting  The  Reset  Button   124  

Speaking  To  The  “Masculine  Side”  Of  His  Mind   128  

Making  Him  More  Passionate  and  “Into  You”  Than  Ever  Before   133  

How  To  Make  Him  Fantasize  About  You  And  Miss  You   133  

More  Tips  On  Re-­‐Building  Your  Relationship  With  A  Rock-­‐Solid  Foundation,  And  Making  It  Feel  Brand  New   135  

And  If  Things  Just  Don’t  Work  Out...   137  

Better  Relationships,  A  Better  You   139  

Conclusion   140  

FREQUENTLY  ASKED  QUESTIONS   143  

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Introduction by Samantha Sanderson

First of all girl, I want to tell you that you rock for trying out this course and
deciding to take action—to get your relationship with the man you love back
on track.

You’re probably hurting right now. You might feel like your heart was ripped
out of your chest and stomped on, and that the sadness you’re feeling right
now will never go away.

Well, I’m here to help…and I also want you to know that I’ve been in your
shoes…more than once.

After my first couple of bad breakups, I was a complete mess. I was

confused, lonely and desperate.

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One of the breakups was all his idea—after a year of dating a handsome
airline pilot named Michael, he sat me down and told me that he “just
wasn’t ready for a serious relationship.”

Obviously, that was true. I’d seen the flirty text messages on this phone
from other women he’d been with. I’d read the emails from girls he’d
hooked up with while he was staying in different cities and countries during
his layovers.

I knew he was a cheater and a liar. And yet somehow, I continued to think
that I could change him and make him only want to be with me.

After he broke up with me, I tried texting him…calling…sending him

messages on Facebook…I was actually trying to “work things out” with a
guy who obviously wasn’t interested in being honest and faithful with me.
We continued to sleep together occasionally (when he texted me late at
night and invited me to his place), but I knew he had other women. I was
one of his “booty calls” until he relocated to another city and cut off contact
with me.

I had embarrassed myself. I’d sacrificed my self-respect to chase after a

man who was no good for me.

I hope that in your case, your ex boyfriend is truly a MAN who deserves
your love and everything else you have to offer. Because in this book,
you’re going to learn some powerful strategies for getting him back—I just
want you be sure that he’s worth getting back with. There is a chance that
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after going through the steps in this guide, you’ll come to the realization
that ultimately, you’re better off without him.

The next breakup I went through was my idea, and it was another huge
mistake on my part. I’d been dating Jonathan, a writer, for two years. We’d
been living together for eight months. I figured that after investing two years
of my life into the relationship, it was time for him to make a decision about
where our relationship was heading. I wanted a ring, basically. All of my
best friends were married or engaged, and I wanted to join their club.

But Jonathan kept telling me he didn’t want to “rush things.” I got upset, we
had a blowout argument, and I broke up with him.

I regretted it. Jonathan was a wonderful guy. He was ambitious, talented,

and had an amazing sense of humor. And when I look back on our
relationship, I don’t think the problem was that that he was afraid of
commitment—it was because he felt pressured. (Men don’t like that; we’ll
be talking more about this later in the book). My own insecurities were the
reason that I kept pushing him to “make a decision” about getting married
and having kids.

Six months after we broke up, one of our mutual friends informed me that
Jonathan had a new girlfriend he was “pretty serious” with. A few weeks
after that, I saw their wedding photos on his Facebook page.

As it turned out, my ex was ready for a lifetime commitment—just not with

me, because I’d pushed him too hard. After we broke up he went straight
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into the arms of another woman. Who he married and had two ridiculously
cute kids with. (I couldn’t help checking his Facebook profile from time to
time…)

I’ve learned from those mistakes, and now I’m in a relationship with a great
guy that probably is headed for marriage…someday. We’re not in a rush.
We’re just enjoying our time with each other. Apart from spending time with
my guy, I’ve been busy working on this “Ex Back Experts” project, which is
the result of studying hundreds of relationships and talking to a number of
professionals in the relationship field.

Pretty much everyone experiences a breakup at some point or another. It’s

a fact of life. Unfortunately, this part of life is also one of the most difficult
and painful times that anyone can have to endure.

For women, breakups can be an even more difficult experience than for
men, due to all of the emotions and complications that are involved (not to
mention the hormones we have to deal with!).

I think we all know by now that men and women approach everything,
including breakups, quite differently.

I’ve been through several difficult breakups myself, and I’ve heard many
other accounts of breakups through my friends, family members, and more
recently through people I have met while working on this book and other
projects regarding this subject. Because of all of the experiences I have

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lived through, observed, and heard about, I think I have a unique

perspective to offer to you.

Right now, if you can only think about getting back together with your ex,
that is completely understandable. In fact, that kind of single-minded
approach has actually helped many women to get through difficult
breakups. No matter how hard the journey is, it’s much easier to traverse
when we have a goal in mind, right? When you don’t know what the future
holds and you’re suffering, and you don’t see a light at the end of the
proverbial tunnel, the experience becomes that much more difficult.

But I want to provide you with a goal beyond reconciling with the man you
still love. This goal is for you to become better. I’m not just talking about
feeling better. I’m talking about becoming a better person, leading a better
life, being a better you.

It won’t do you any real good to get back with your ex if you’re both the
same people that you were before, having the same troubled relationship
that you had before, and your feelings towards him are tainted by the same
old resentments.

The journey of self-improvement you’re about to embark on may include

getting back together with your ex, and in this book, you’ll learn a strategy
for making that happen. But I’m also going to give you the encouragement
and advice you’ll need to emerge from this experience as a better, stronger
person.

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This way, if you wind up giving it another try with your ex, you’ll be better
equipped to make it work next time. And if it doesn’t work—or if you simply
decide that you’re better off without him, and reconciling isn’t in your best
interest—you’ll be able to move on with your life, and feel good about your
decision.

You may discover through this process that getting back together with him
isn’t the right move for you after all. If that turns out to be the case, this
book will still help you to heal and improve yourself. We’re going to talk
about concrete ways to make yourself feel, look, and connect with others
better so that all of your relationships, not just your romantic ones, are
improved.

Let’s work through this together and keep an open mind. Forget any pre-
conceived notions of what it is that you “need” to be doing after a breakup.
As we go through this experience and you learn not only about how the
breakup has affected you (and will continue to affect you), but also about
yourself, who you want to be, and what you want to do in life, you will arrive
at a much better place than where you are right now.

Breakups are, in many ways, different from other problems we encounter in

life. Still, there are similarities between the pain we experience during a
breakup, and the pain we feel from other unpleasant events in life.

The most important similarity is that a breakup can cause you to forget who
you are. It can cause you to question things that you never would have
questioned before. What you may not realize is that some of these feelings
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might have started much earlier in the relationship. We will discuss all of
this at length over the course of this book.

Often, the most significant difference between a breakup and other

traumatic events—such as the death of someone you love, or getting fired
from your job—is the lack of closure. In those other situations, there is a
sense of finality.

When a person passes away, that’s it. When you lose a job, it’s over and
you have no choice but to move on. But with a breakup, you often don’t feel
that it’s truly “the end.” This only adds to the difficult experience of healing
that a woman goes through.

My hope is that this book will help you to not only improve your life, but feel
better about yourself. I want you to feel stronger. I want you to feel more
attractive. I want you to feel more interesting, independent, and necessary
to those around you. No matter where you end up when we are all finished,
I want you to feel like you are right where you should be.

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In this guide, you’re going to discover:

• Why your relationship really fell apart. There were reasons behind the
breakup he probably didn’t tell you. We’re going to get to the bottom
of those reasons and uncover why they pushed him away.

• What your ex is really thinking about you right now—and whether

he’s ready and willing to patch things up with you.

• Why he might be acting a certain way since you broke up.

• The “psychological triggers” that all men share. Learn how to work
these triggers, and you can change his behavior—and his attitude
towards being in a relationship with you.

• We’ll work on improving your attitude, lifestyle, and outlook on things.

• And then, you’ll learn the Negative Emotion Neutralizer method,

which allows you to “wipe his mind clean” of the negative feelings he
has towards you, and replace them with positive memories and
reasons to miss you. You can then re-attract your ex into your life so
that he wants to enter into another relationship with you. Not the
same relationship you had before, but a new one that is healthier and
more passionate, honest and loving.

Sound good?

OK then, let’s get started.

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Step 1: What To Do After the Breakup

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So here you are, in a situation that you never hoped to be in. Of course, no
breakup is a “one size fits all” kind of situation, and it would be silly for me
to treat them all as such. However, there are some very common emotions
that we experience after a breakup:

• Grief - Even if the breakup was a mutual decision, you’re sure to feel
some sadness about this once-promising relationship coming to an
apparent end.

• Confusion- You feel off-balance, as if you don’t know how to return

to a normal daily routine without him. The longer the relationship was,
the more confusion there can be; in terms of what will happen with
living arrangements, or whether certain friends you shared with your
ex are going to “side” with you, or who’s going to take custody of the
pet…and of course, if children are involved, that creates a whole
other set of challenges.

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• Fear- You may be afraid that you won’t be able to meet someone
else who’s as good as your ex.

• Guilt – For not being able to make the relationship work, no matter
how hard you tried.

Self-Doubt- If your ex initiated the breakup, you’re probably

experiencing self-doubt and perhaps blaming yourself for being
rejected. You may feel as if you weren’t good enough for him, or
came up short in some area. Even if you initiated the breakup, you
can still feel self-doubt. You might be wondering, how will I adjust to
single life? Can I adapt to the dating scene? Am I unable to sustain a
healthy relationship?

• Anger- Because of what your ex said to you, or did to you, during the
breakdown of the relationship.

These aren’t the only emotions that you may experience after a breakup,
but they’re the most common ones. You will likely feel these in varying
degrees (sometimes you feel more anger and less self-doubt, etc.), and the
feelings you go through are not static and will probably change (and
diminish) as time passes and your wounds start to heal--even though that
may seem impossible right now.

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Are there breakups where you may

not experience all of these
emotions? Sure. Are there breakups
where you will not experience any of
the above? Yes. Perhaps you’ve
had breakups in the past where you
felt a sense of relief afterward,
because you knew that it was the
best possible decision and you had
no qualms about it.

Those are the best breakups, aren’t they? If only they were all that easy...

But I’m going to assume that your breakup was not one of those “easy”
ones. After all, in that case, you probably wouldn’t be reading this book. So
I won’t spend a lot of time talking about those types of breakups. (What is
there to say about them, really?)

In this book, I’m going to suggest a sequence of steps that you can follow—
to not only reunite with your ex, but to also emerge from this difficult
experience as a better person. Just keep in mind, you don’t need to
complete each step in order to proceed to the next one.

For example, we deal with getting through the pain of a breakup as the first
step, but it does not mean that you cannot move on as long as you still feel
some emotional pain. While the pain might linger, you’re going to need to

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push forward and start working on other areas, which the other steps
address.

This book is structured to help you tackle things in an order that addresses
the immediacy of each problem. Right after a breakup is not the best time
to look at what went wrong in a relationship; there is time for that later.
However, you need to know right away how to cope with the emotions that
the breakup has thrown at you. Makes sense, right?

I don’t know if you will read this book all at once, or if you will focus on
reading each step as you feel ready for it. To be honest, it does not matter
to me which approach you use, as long as you read everything and benefit
from the information and help that I give you.

However, I do know from my own first-hand dating failures that after a

breakup there is one need that is much more immediate, much more
pressing than any other: getting through the pain.

Getting Through the Pain

Getting “through” the pain is almost a misnomer, because it implies that the
pain you feel is something of an obstacle course that you can sprint
through, hit the finish line, and be done with. However, I still like the phrase
because it illustrates two things:

• That the pain you feel will end eventually

• That you have to go “through” it, rather than going around it (or
avoiding it) somehow
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Bad things happen when you simply avoid your feelings because they’re
too painful. They have to be met head-on and confronted in order for
proper healing to take place.

This can seem to be an overwhelming idea when you consider how you
feel right after a breakup, when the emotional pain can be so great that you
literally do not want to do anything.

Even the most basic tasks can seem like monumental challenges after a
difficult breakup. I had days after breakups where I didn’t want to get out of
bed to eat, didn’t want to get out of bed to check my email, didn’t even want
to get out of bed to pee! (Eventually, I had to give in on that last one.) In
other words, I know exactly what you are going through right now, and you
are definitely not alone in this.

You may be surprised, but I won’t tell you to put on a happy face. It would
be irrational and unreasonable for me to tell you not to do some of the
things you feel like doing when you are hurt. I won’t tell you not to cry. I
won’t tell you not to listen to sad songs or watch sad movies. I won’t tell you
not to eat ice cream.

What I will tell you is that all of these things must be done in moderation.

There is nothing inherently wrong with feeling what you are feeling right
now. It becomes a problem, however, when you choose to wallow in these
feelings for a long time. What we need to do instead is experience the pain
we are going through instead of avoiding it, but always make sure that we
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are simultaneously working our way through the pain to eventually arrive at
a happier, healthier place.

There are many resources that can be used to help you to cope with the
types of difficulties you are going through right now. We will go through all
of them in this book, from using activities you enjoy to get away from your
problems for a while, to spending time with friends who can remind you of
who you really are, and help you feel better about yourself.

There are certainly other resources that you can think of on your own, or
that others can point out to you.

This book is just another of those resources, and is often a way to remind
you consciously of the types of things that we already understand on a
subconscious level.

Often, we need someone to not necessarily point us in the right direction,

but to give us a little nudge in the right direction, because we already
basically know where to go. Consider this book a collection of friendly little
nudges, along with some much needed pats on the back, boxes of tissues,
and hugs.

So, as we go through the rest of this journey together, I want you to

remember that at no time are you supposed to just pretend that the
emotional pain that you feel does not exist. Just as importantly, you are not
to wallow in that pain, either. You must feel the emotions you are going

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through; you must own them. Similarly, you must let them go when it is time
to.

There is an important distinction here: you will let them go, not push them
away. At no point will I encourage you to avoid, hide, or bury your feelings.
That’s one of the worst things you can do.

Think of the resources that we listed just a moment ago as flowers in your
garden. You would not want a garden full of the same kind of flowers; it’s
important to have variety.

At the same time, you can have more of certain flowers and less of others,
if it makes you happy. The goal, after all, is not to satisfy some arbitrary
requirement or make the creators of this program happy, but to make
yourself happy. That’s what this is all about, when you really get down to
the bottom of it.

Expressing Yourself in Healthy Ways

Expressing yourself is important not just in times of personal crisis, but

during all times of your life. Without a mode of expression, you will feel
stifled, closed up, and even empty. These are not the symptoms of a happy
life, nor are they the characteristics of a person who is ready to engage in a
truly successful, healthy relationship.

When many women think of expressing themselves, they imagine

scrawling poetry in a notebook in a picturesque park somewhere, or

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swiping paint across a canvas in a sparsely-decorated studio apartment in

New York City. However, there are many ways to express yourself, and not
all of them involve such classic definitions of art.

Expressing yourself can mean not just putting your efforts into a creative
work, but also just getting out some of those emotions that are otherwise
simply going to bottle up inside. When I think of expressing yourself in
these terms, there are many activities which come to mind. Here are just a
few examples:

• Going for a daily jog

• Joining a cooking class
• Getting into an exercise group (i.e. Zumba, aerobics, yoga, etc.)
• Learning a new skill of just about any kind
• Joining a book club or a reading group

I list these five examples simply to show you the wide variety of options that
are available. You might not think of some of these activities as “expressing
yourself, ”but think again. Exercise, such as jogging or aerobics classes, is
a great way to not only relieve stress, but also to relieve anger, tension,
and other unpleasant feelings. It builds your confidence and self-esteem,
as well.

Meanwhile, a reading group allows you not only to read, but also to discuss
your interpretations of what you read, which allows you to filter it through
your own unique set of experiences and emotions. A cooking class lets you
explore creativity in a new way, too.

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What I want you to take away from this is that you can find many ways to
soothe and heal yourself, outside of what you might expect.

Another thing to consider is that it’s equally important to find diverting

activities as it is to find expressive ones. The activities above can not only
allow you to get some of your frustration or anxiety out, but can also allow
you to get away from the reality of your situation for a while, which is
extremely vital to your healing process.

Finding activities that divert your attention from the breakup can be much
easier because there is only really one qualification: does it successfully
take your mind off of what you are going through? If so, it meets the criteria
that you’re looking for.

It should be noted, though, that you do not want to spend excessive

amounts of time on activities that are not very healthy. Watching old movies
and eating copious amounts of ice cream may soothe you, but it’s not the
healthiest use of your time. Balance should be maintained, and do not
forget that we want a variety of flowers in our metaphorical garden.

As another important side note, several methods of expressing yourself are

patently unhealthy and should be avoided at all costs. Most of these
methods involve expressing your anger, jealousy, or other negative
emotions.

Do you feel like keying your ex’s car?

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Maybe.

Would it feel great to smack the girl that stole your ex away?

Of course.

Would you enjoy destroying some of your ex’s stuff?

Sure.

Does that mean that you should do these things?

Absolutely not.

There are a number of reasons that you should not engage in such
behavior; it’s childish, immature, and quite honestly does not make you
look very good. If you ever, ever want to have any kind of relationship with
your ex (even as friends) again, you cannot lower yourself to this kind of
crap. Furthermore, even if you do not even care to see your ex again as
long as you live, you have to think about how these kinds of acts look to
others.

I’m always surprised by how many women I see that are not only
unashamed of having destroyed their ex’s stuff or caused a big scene with
their ex, but who actually brag about it. They think that it makes them look
like stronger women (“I don’t take any crap!,” etc.), but does it really? I don’t
think that it does.
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What does make you look like a strong woman is being able to handle your
emotions. It might also mean getting over someone, and not caring to
involve yourself in their life anymore, when you know it’s time to move on.

Doing something rash and immature to someone does not show that you
are over them. It shows that you are thinking about them all the time; it
makes you look desperate (or even crazy), and this can absolutely destroy
your chances of ever getting a man back. Furthermore, it makes you look
as if you don’t think you’re good enough to be with anyone else, and this
was the only person that would ever be interested in you.

We both know that isn’t true, so let’s keep it classy and not lower ourselves
to that type of behavior, okay?

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A Little Help From Your Friends...

Just about any difficult experience in life becomes easier when you have
some help. Fortunately, women are typically not as stubborn as men when
it comes to accepting help from others. (Guys often have a “macho” fixation
with handling things on their own.)

Going through the emotional pain and disorientation of a difficult breakup is

an experience that is made easier with help, which means that you will
want to lean on your friends during this trying time.

A good friend will know when it’s time to sit and listen, and when it’s time to
be firm with you and give you some “tough love.” These friends will also
know when you need to get out of the house, and when it would be best for
you to just have a movie night together. They’ll care primarily about what’s
best for you, rather than having any ulterior motives.

For these reasons, it’s important that you have at least one friend who
meets these qualifications. Leaning on the wrong people right now could
make your situation worse.

For example, many women make the mistake of letting their ex be their
primary source of comfort and support. This is absolutely the wrong way to
handle a breakup, for many reasons.

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First of all, I would advocate spending time away from your ex completely
(it may not be possible if you work or go to school together, etc.) for the
next few weeks. In the next chapter, we’ll deal with how to handle it if your
circumstances require you to spend time around your ex.

Whatever your circumstances may be, you cannot expect to be able to lean
on your ex for emotional support right now. (I’ve known women who tried to
lean on their ex-boyfriends after breakups that they initiated, and this is a
very unhealthy situation.)

At this point, you and your ex are probably both emotionally raw. You may
feel vulnerable. You will likely feel lonely at times. Combine that with the
familiarity that you have with each other, and many mistakes can be made
by remaining close with your ex after a breakup.

One great example is the always-disastrous “friends with benefits”

situation. It can start rather innocently, as you have decided (either one of
you or the two of you together) not to remain a couple, but you still have
certain “needs.” It may seem logical to allow each other to satisfy those
physical, sexual needs, even though there is no longer a committed
relationship in place.

These arrangements nearly always lead to even more heartbreak for one
or both people, as one of you will end up wanting more than the other
person. When you’re essentially “using” each other for sex, how can that be
healthy?

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If you just want to keep your ex close to you no matter what it takes, you
must stop thinking this way. You will not convince someone to get back
together with you by giving them the things they want, without getting what
you want in return!

Other situations, such as having your ex comfort you, cuddle with you, talk
to you all the time so you won’t be lonely, or endlessly go over the specifics
of the breakup, are not much better in terms of allowing you to truly heal.

You need to distance yourself from your ex during this time and do your
own thing. If you do not, it’s almost assured that even more heartbreak and
emotional turmoil awaits you.

This is why having a friend you can lean on is so important right now. Just
be sure that they’re giving you support out of true friendship, not because
they want something from you. If you turn to a male friend for support, it
shouldn’t be a guy who might be romantically interested in you, and thinks
this could be their opportunity to take your ex’s place.

Chances are, you’re not ready for a relationship yet, and jumping right into
another one is really not advised. When I said that you need to have friends
who “primarily care about what is best for you,” I mean it. This does not
include someone who just wants to sucker you into a relationship, or even
worse, will try get into your pants while you are at your most vulnerable.

For best results, you really need to stick with your core group of friends,
women that you can trust and who you have been able to depend on over
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the years. That’s always the best way to go, and will be a big boost to you
as you heal emotionally from the breakup.

Case Study: Valerie & Nick

Valerie had been with her boyfriend Nick, who owned a startup Internet
business, for nearly three years. At around the two-year mark, Valerie felt it
was time for them to start seriously thinking about planning their future
together, but Nick immediately grew uncomfortable whenever she
broached the subject of marriage or children. He wouldn’t discuss it with
her, telling her “Why are you in such a hurry?” or, “Marriage is just a piece
of paper. We don’t need to get married to prove to other people how we
feel about each other.”

As for having kids, Nick would say that he was “too focused on his work” to
deal with children. Again, he didn’t see the sense of hurrying it. They could
always have kids later. But at the age of 36, Valerie was more than ready
to have a child. She was the last member of her circle of friends who wasn’t
a mother.

When Valerie would talk to her friend Kim and express her frustrations
about Nick’s attitude towards marriage, Kim would say things like, “You’re
wasting your time. He isn’t serious about you. Do you want to be 40 years
old and single?”

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Kim said that she spoke from experience and “knew what men are really
after.” She was on the verge of turning 40 and was a single mother. Her ex-
boyfriend, Jesse, had left her while she was seven months pregnant.

Valerie would try to explain that other than the “marriage thing,” Nick was a
wonderful guy and they truly did love each other. But Kim wouldn’t listen.
To her, the fact that they’d been together for years, and Nick wouldn’t even
entertain the thought of marrying her, showed that he wasn’t serious. He
was just being a “typical guy,” according to Kim.

One night, after going out with Kim and some of their other friends and
drinking one too many glasses of red wine, Valerie went home, interrupted
Nick while he was working on his computer, and gave him an ultimatum:
either their relationship was heading towards marriage and children, or she
would have to find a man who could give her what she needed.

Nick, who was under a lot of pressure due to his struggling business, leapt
out his chair and shouted “fine, go find someone else then. I’ve had it with
all this constant talk about marriage and starting a family. I told you I’m not
ready! Maybe I’ll never be ready! So go ahead and do what you have to
do.”

Valerie, devastated, packed up her things, left the next day, and moved in
with her parents. For the next week, there was no communication between
her and Nick. Then he emailed her and said they ought to talk.

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So she went back to the apartment they once shared. He apologized for
this outburst and explained that he’d been stressed out from work, and that
she just needed to understand him and give him time. They had sex that
night—the best sex they’d had since either of them could remember. He
made love to her the way he did when they first started dating.

Over the next few months, Valerie returned to the apartment a few times
per week and stayed the night with Nick. She wanted to move back in with
him, but Nick told her he needed “space” in order to focus on his business
and that it was “better for their relationship” if they lived apart.

Valerie would get hurt and offended whenever she had to leave the
apartment in the morning and go back to her parents’ place. But she
rationalized it, telling herself that Nick was busy with his work, and being
with him a few nights a week was better than having nothing at all. She
figured that in time, he would come around.

Kim, meanwhile, continued to tell Valerie to cut ties with Nick and move on.
But Valerie couldn’t bring herself to do it.

Then, slowly, Nick began to further detach himself from their relationship.
He was now “too busy” to see her a few nights a week.

One night, Valerie texted and called his phone repeatedly but he wasn’t
answering. She wanted to come see him, to tell him that their “relationship”
(or whatever you could call it at that point) was clearly going nowhere.

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She drove over to his place. He wasn’t home. Frustrated and depressed,
she drove to Kim’s house, looking for a friend she could commiserate with.
Kim had been telling her all along that Nick was no good for her. Now,
Valerie wanted to tell her that she was right. She wanted to tell her friend
that she’d made up her mind: she was cutting ties with Nick for good.

She marched up to Kim’s doorstep and rang the bell. A few minutes later,
Kim answered, wearing a bathrobe—and when she found herself staring
face-to-face with Valerie, she gasped in shock.

Valerie knew something was up. She stepped through the door, moving
past Kim, and there he was…sitting on Kim’s couch, rolling a joint, wearing
only a pair of boxer shorts...

It was Nick!

He immediately jumped to his feet and came towards her, arms

outstretched, trying to calm her down—but this time, there would be no
argument. There was nothing left for Valerie to say. She slapped him
across the face. Then, on her way to the door, she slapped Kim for good
measure. And then she got back in her car and drove off into the night.

Lessons Learned:

• Be careful who you take your “advice” from after a breakup. Are they
true friends who are looking out for your best interests? Are there any

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jealousies, resentments or other ulterior motives that would explain

why they have so many opinions to share about your situation?

• When the breakup happens—whether it’s a case of one person

dumping the other, or it’s a mutual decision—if you feel that you want
your ex back (or that you need your ex in order to be happy), it’s
going to take time for you to sort through your feelings and come to a
decision about whether it’s the right thing for you to do.

If you’d been wrapped up in intense relationship in which your world

revolved around your man, this time apart is also necessary for you to
get back in touch with who you are. Nothing really gets solved when
you jump right back into a relationship that had serious problems.

It’s only a recipe for further heartbreak. Those issues need to be

addressed and fixed if the two of you are going to stand a chance at
long-term happiness. And certainly, nothing gets solved if you
continue to grant your ex-boyfriend what he wants (in Valerie’s case,
sex with no strings attached) without getting the whole relationship.

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Step 2: Give It Time

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The idea of “giving it time” might be a bit scary to you.

You might worry that if you don’t reach out to him and patch things up right
now, he’s going to meet another woman and forget all about you.

You may be going through so much anguish right now that you can’t sleep,
you can’t eat, and you can’t imagine yourself ever being happy again
unless you work things out with him.

You might just miss your ex so damn much that you can’t stop thinking
about him (or who he’s spending time with…)

But in order to give yourself the best possible chance of reconciling with
him, you’ve got to give it time. Right now you are NOT in the right
emotional state to figure out how to get back into a relationship with him.

And even if you do manage to wrangle him back, you can’t expect it to last
for very long. The same issues and problems that drove him away are still
going to be there.

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The Seven Deadly Mistakes

During this post-breakup period, there are 7 Deadly Mistakes that women
make when hoping to get their man back. They are:

Deadly Mistake #1: Wallowing in self-pity.

It’s completely normal for you to feel sad and lonely after a breakup. But
you’re going to have to snap yourself out of it—for your own well-being, and
to give yourself the best possible chance at getting him back.

In the self-help community, there’s a popular saying: “Move a muscle,

change a thought.”

In other words, the simplest and fastest way to take your thoughts off of the
breakup is to get up and do something. Get out of the house. Call a friend
you haven’t seen in a while and make plans to have dinner with them.

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Exercise, and flood your brain with endorphins (the “feel good” chemical
that our brains produce when we exercise; it’s the same chemical that is
released during an orgasm, and it’s the human body’s built-in pain reliever).

As difficult as it might seem right now to get off the couch, turn off the TV,
and do something constructive and positive, you must force yourself to do
it.

Move a muscle, change a thought!

Deadly Mistake #2: Putting all of the blame on yourself.

Relationships are a two-way street. You may have made some mistakes in
your relationship that were partly to blame for the breakup. But you can’t
put all of the blame on your shoulders.

In fact, he probably didn’t even tell you the real reasons why he felt he had
to end the relationship. A bit later in this book, we’re going to work on
identifying those reasons so that you can enjoy a better, happier
relationship with him in the future.

I once worked with a woman named Sarah, whose boyfriend Rick had
cheated on her and left her for another woman. Sarah desperately wanted
him back, and had convinced herself that she was to blame for Rick’s
infidelity! It was as if she was apologizing for Rick’s behavior, saying things
like “I should have taken better care of myself, I’m not as thin as I used to
be, so I can see why he’d want someone else.”
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That being said, in this book we’re going to talk about some of the
problems you may have created in the relationship (sometimes without
even realizing it). We’re going to identify those problems so that you can
work on them. But for now, forget about assigning blame, and stop beating
yourself up. We’ve got more important things to do.

Deadly Mistake #3: Keeping Reminders Of Him Everywhere.

I remember when my former roommate Julia broke up with her boyfriend

Eric. She moped around our apartment for weeks, complaining that she
couldn’t stop thinking about him.

Well, duh…she had a big framed photo of them together on her bedroom
wall, she wore one of his tee-shirts to bed every night, and several times
per day she checked his Facebook profile to see if he’d been up to
anything.

I convinced her to tuck the framed pictures away in my closet (where she
wouldn’t have access to them), lose her ex’s ratty old New York Giants tee-
shirt, and install a Facebook blocker on her computer so that she couldn’t
log on for the next two weeks.

Within 24 hours, her attitude had improved. She never did get Eric back
(and between you and me, she’s better off for it), but her mood began to
improve once she removed those constant reminders from her day-to-day
life.
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Deadly Mistake #4: Going Into “Chase Mode.”

You can’t hound him into wanting to give your relationship another try. If
you’re clutching your phone in your hand right now, wanting to text him, set
it down!

In a little while, we’re going to talk about the importance of adhering to a No

Contact period for the time being, while you work on yourself and prepare
to get him back. You can absolutely ruin your chances of reconciling with
him if you insist on texting him, calling him or emailing him when he clearly
doesn’t want to be bothered.

This is especially true if one of his reasons for breaking up with you was
that he felt pressured, or that you were needy. I realize this can require a
LOT of self-discipline (especially if it’s late on a Friday night and you’ve had
a few drinks!), but if you’re committed to making this plan work, please
follow my advice on this. The idea is to get him into the mode where he
wants to win YOU back.

Deadly Mistake #5: Trying to make him jealous (in a bad way).

This Deadly Mistake was committed by a girl I know named Jessica. When
her boyfriend Eddie suddenly broke up with her, she decided she was
going to “show him.” After a long night of partying she had a one-night
stand with one of Eddie’s friends, a bartender named Lance, and she told
their friends about it so that word would get back to Eddie.
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Jessica was somehow hoping that this would cause Eddie to fly into a fit of
jealousy and insist on getting back together with her. Instead, Eddie
changed his phone number, de-friended her on Facebook, and never
spoke to her again.

You’re going to learn some subtle methods for triggering pangs of jealousy
in your ex’s heart. You won’t accomplish anything by letting him know that
you’re hooking up with other men. (Letting him find out that you went on a
date with a new guy is ok…having him and his friends think you’re a raging
slut is something entirely different).

Deadly Mistake #6: Giving him benefits without getting the

relationship.

Another common mistake that women (and men) make after a breakup is
that they allow their ex-partner to “use” them to meet certain needs, without
giving them the full relationship.

Take my friend Chris, for example. The guy’s a total sweetheart.

Unfortunately, he’s also a pushover. His girlfriend of two years, Leslie,
dumped him because she wanted to date some other guy named Kevin. As
it turned out, Kevin was a pathological liar and a complete jerk.

While Leslie was dating him, she would call Chris for emotional support and
to talk about her situation. Chris was happy to oblige, thinking that if he was

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“there for her” emotionally, she would come to her senses and realize that
she ought to get back together with him.

When Leslie busted Kevin cheating on her (with one of her friends), she
broke up with him. Now Leslie was back to being single again, and feeling
lonely and rejected, so she invited Chris over to her house “just to cuddle.”
Poor, clueless Chris became her “cuddle buddy,” sleeping in her bed
several nights a week (without any sex) and even loaning her money for
her bills.

Of all the “strategies” to try to win your ex back, this had to rank among the
worst. While Leslie may have appreciated his help and support, she must
have lost all respect for him as a man.

Chris finally came to his senses one day when Leslie invited him over to
help her paint her bedroom. While he got the painting underway, she
showered, changed into a sexy outfit, and informed him that she was going
out on a date with a new guy she’d met at the gym.

“Wish me luck, sweetie!” she said to Chris.

Instead, Chris dumped the can of paint on her bed and marched out the
door. Even nice guys have their limits!

The moral of the story is, do not allow your ex to “use” you for emotional
support, or sex, or financial help, or anything else unless they’re ready and
willing to be in a full relationship with you. This is especially true for women;
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if you’re willing to be his “booty call,” what reason are you giving him to
return to a committed relationship with you?

Deadly Mistake #7: Re-starting the relationship without following the

right steps.

This mistake always make me think of a young couple who used to live in
my apartment building, Brian and Shirley. They were one of those dramatic
couples who were constantly breaking up and getting back together. (I lost
a lot of sleep having to listen to them fighting like cats and dogs at all hours
of the night.)

Deep-down, they really loved each other and couldn’t stand being apart—
so much so that whenever they broke up, they were usually having loud
make-up sex within 72 hours.

If Shirley could have just stopped talking for five minutes, and sat Brian
down and encouraged him to express why he kept feeling the need to
break up with her, maybe they could have patched up some of the leaks in
their relationship.

The problem was that Shirley had “trained” Brian to know that if he even
hinted that he was unhappy about something in the relationship, she would
fly off the handle. So nothing ever improved.

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You know what they say about the definition of insanity? Doing the same
exact thing over and over again, and expecting different results? Well, you
could say that Brian and Shirley’s relationship was insane.

As I’ve been saying, it’s extremely important for you to take some time for
yourself after a breakup. For at least the first couple of weeks after the
breakup, I wouldn’t recommend going on any dates, either.

There may be men who are interested, and who have even been waiting
for the day you might become single again to get their chance. They’ll have
to wait, even if you are flattered by, or even interested in, their advances.

This is all doubly true when it comes to your ex. You do not want a rapid
succession of breakups and make-ups with your ex, nor do you want to get
into a situation where you are always taking “breaks.” These on-again, off-
again relationships often signify two people who really don’t know what
they want, and it’s a recipe for confusion and hurt feelings.

Jumping right back into a relationship with your ex may seem every bit as
comforting as the thought of getting back under the covers on a cold winter
morning, but this is one case where you can’t allow yourself to succumb to
what is (or seems to be) most comfortable.

On those winter mornings, you want to crawl back into bed, but know that
you must face the world in order to go to school, work, or just to get out into
the world that day. You know that making the most immediately satisfying

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choice will ultimately lead to the least long-term satisfaction, so you resist
the urge.

You should look at your breakup the same way. You may feel better at first
if you get right back with your ex, but what about the problems that led to
the breakup?

Are they just going to magically disappear?

Of course not. And what about taking some time to be by yourself, and
figure out what you want?

Wouldn’t you benefit from taking that time for yourself?

Of course you would.

Make sure that you don’t just make the most immediately satisfying
decision, because taking the short-sighted approach will almost always
leave you right back at square one, where you are now.

Instead, really commit too healing and bettering yourself so that you can
ultimately end up in a much better place in your life. To do that, I strongly
suggest that you take a break from dating.

How long should this break last? This needs to be defined by you, but I
wouldn’t recommend dating anyone new when you still have feelings for

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your ex. And if your goal is to reconcile with your ex, then this time apart is
necessary for several reasons.

First, you need some time to clear your head, sort out your thoughts, and
decide whether re-starting a relationship with your ex is the right decision.
You also need to give him time to start missing you, and to let him know
that you’re not needy or desperate to get back with him.

And finally, during this “break period” you can work on yourself—so that if
and when you see your ex again, he’ll see a “new and improved” version of
you.

I would say that you should be apart for a few weeks, minimum, and
possibly longer if you’d been in a long-term relationship with him. Make it a
long enough period of time that you’re not choosing to get back together
over nostalgia or neediness, but instead because you truly want to be with
them again, because you know it’s the right decision.

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Time to Heal

Right now, it may be hard to imagine this breakup being a positive

experience, but it can turn out this way if you handle it properly and take
steps to heal yourself. When we talk about healing, we’re not just talking
about making the pain go away.

Sure, that’s obviously part of healing, but we want to restore your entire
emotional state—and your self-confidence—to where it should be, and
actually elevate it beyond where it was during your relationship.

We’ve already discussed that lashing out at your ex, or other people, is not
going to help your situation. While you might derive some temporary
pleasure from doing something mean or spiteful, that feeling will quickly
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subside and you will still feel all of those negative feelings (loneliness,
sadness, and so forth) that you felt beforehand.

In order to truly heal your wounds, you need to do more than vent your
anger. Anger is a surface emotion, and to really heal we need to get to the
parts of you that have been hurt deep down within.

This is a more intensive, time consuming process that will involve you
taking the advice in this book, using the resources you have, and really
taking the time to “plant in that garden” we talked about earlier.

I’ve heard so-called “experts” say that you can actually work out how long it
will take you to heal after a breakup. They might tell you to whip out a
calculator and divide the length of your relationship by some number, or
take the number of times you slept together and divide it by another
number, but these calculations are a waste of time. There is no definite
answer as to how long it will take for the pain to go away.

That’s a frustrating answer, I know. It would be much better to have a date

that you could circle on the calendar that you could look at when times are
hard and say, “By this day, all this crap will be over with.” Unfortunately,
that isn’t realistic, and if I told you that you would feel better in three weeks,
or two months, or half a year, how would that help?

I’d rather be honest with you, and the honest truth is that while time will
help heal your emotional wounds, there is no specific time frame that is true
for everyone.
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Although we’ve all heard the expression “time heals all wounds,” the truth is
that time will not heal you on its own. You’re not going to recover
emotionally without putting in some work on your end.

Healing emotionally is not like healing physically, where you slap some
Neosporin and a Band-Aid on a cut and a week later you’re as good as
new. Healing emotionally takes real effort and commitment on your part.

First of all, you must take care of two basic human needs: sleeping and
eating. This may sound extremely obvious, but you would be surprised at
how many women find themselves not sleeping as much as they should, or
either practically starving themselves or going crazy consuming “comfort
food” in a misguided effort to make themselves feel better.

Being healthy should be all the encouragement you need for sleeping and
eating correctly, but if it isn’t, just know this: sleep and proper nutrition are
necessary for your body and your mind to operate effectively.

You cannot expect to feel better physically or emotionally if you’re not

allowing your brain and body the time they need to rest, and the nutrients
they need to work correctly.

Feeling the Pain

This may seem counterintuitive, but it’s extremely important to face your
pain if you want to eventually put an end to it. Contrary to popular belief

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(and the way our mothers taught us to handle bullies), your pain will not just
“go away” if you avoid or ignore it. Instead, we need to be proactive (and
follow the advice our fathers gave us to handle bullies), which means
meeting the pain head on.

However, there is a fine line between feeling your grief and wallowing in it
(if your grief keeps you from functioning as a human being, that’s no good).
By allowing yourself to feel your grief, you can give yourself closure.

This is one of the main reasons why you shouldn’t try to jump right back
into a relationship with your ex, or start dating someone new at this time.
I’ve met many women over the years who have had several relationships
since “the one that got away,” but still haven’t gotten over their old ex
because they never properly grieved and healed.

So, during this grieving process, admit to yourself that your relationship is
over. Know that even if you wind up getting back together with your ex, the
relationship won’t be the same as it was before. It will be different (and
hopefully, better).

Whether you ultimately reunite with your ex or not, accepting the fact that
that relationship is finished is a necessary step for you to gain closure, so
that you can move forward in the right frame of mind.

Another part of this process is to accept the fact that the future you had
imagined with your ex no longer exists. This can be a bitter pill to swallow,

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but it’s absolutely necessary for you to come to terms with the fact that your
future with him will not be exactly what you had in mind.

While men tend to take relationships day by day, without thinking too much
about what the future holds, women take a more long-term view. They like
to think about getting married one day, what their kids might look like, and
so forth. We do it all the time, and it can be fun when you’re in a stable
relationship. But when the breakup happens, we have to look at the future
in new terms, which can be difficult.

Still, it is necessary, as I want you to be realistic. If you end up getting back

together with your ex down the road, that’s fine. Either way, you need to get
over the relationship you had so that you’ll be able to start fresh with him.

This allows you to confront the grief you feel, which will in turn allow you to
vanquish it for once and for all. And while you are going through this pain,
you will need an outlet. The best one, in my experience, is physical
exercise.

As we discussed earlier, exercise will help you to relieve a lot of stress and
anxiety, which is very important when you are grieving over the end of a
relationship. I’m advising you to allow yourself to feel, rather than hide from,
the sadness that comes with a breakup—and this means you’ll need an
outlet for your emotions and frustrations.

Furthermore, by getting on the treadmill, spending time on the elliptical,

taking walks, doing cardio kickboxing, or any other number of physical
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endeavors, you will wear yourself out. This will allow you to sleep, instead
of lying in bed staring at the ceiling while you obsess over your situation.

On the other hand, if you hole up indoors and don’t exercise, you will sleep
less, your brain will be overwhelmed with obsessive thoughts, and it will be
that much more difficult for you to get over the breakup.

On a side note, exercising will also help with your overall outlook on life.
The endorphins that are released by your body during workouts actually
interact with your brain’s receptors to reduce feelings of pain, similar to the
effects of morphine. During a good workout, you can get a slightly euphoric
feeling that runners refer to as “runner’s high.”

Exercising strenuously enough to get your heart rate up, and sustain it for
at least 20-30 minutes at a time, can not only improve the quality of your
sleep (as pointed out a moment ago), but it’s also proven to reduce stress
and anxiety. Medical research has shown that exercise can help treat mild
to moderate levels of depression, which are common after a breakup.

When you work out regularly, you’ll also notice side effects such as
increased energy, which is great for someone who is going through a
breakup. Otherwise, the emotional toll will leave you feeling taxed and
listless. If you’re not in great shape, don’t worry!

By simply walking for 30 minutes at a brisk pace (faster than a relaxing

stroll, but slow enough that you can talk comfortably with a friend), you can
get all of the benefits listed above.
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Finally, exercising will tone your body, help you to lose weight and fat, and
make you feel better about your appearance. Obviously, these are very
good things for a newly-single girl to do!

Work on a Better You

Let’s take a moment to look at how your relationship may have been
affecting you personally. Unfortunately, women are often more negatively
affected by breakups than men in just about every way, from emotionally
and physically to financially and socially. It seems women get the short end
of the stick when a relationship ends.

Studies have shown that women are more negatively impacted financially
by breakups, whether because they let the man have more of the shared
property; because they were investing more (literally) into the relationship;
or for other reasons. Women also seem to take breakups harder than men
in an emotional sense.

Men mostly struggle with the jealousy they feel about someone they love
being with someone else, as well as the blow to their egos when they feel
rejected. For women, the pain is internalized more, and taken much more
personally.

Socially, women may allow shared friends to become “possessions” of their

ex, and the fact that women often get sucked into the social circles of their
boyfriends and husbands makes this even more true. For this section,

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though, we’re going to focus on the physical impact that breakups have on
us, and how you can overcome this.

But first, let’s look at the physical toll that the relationship took on you. It’s
popular for people to observe that those in long-term relationships have “let
themselves go,” and the rather sexist assertion is usually that women let
themselves go more than men do.

“Oh, she’s really let herself go!” is a common observation made about
women in long-term relationships. While that may be true, I would estimate
that both men and women let themselves go to the same degree during a
relationship, but women get more flack for it. Here are a few reasons why
this happens:

• Women often enter long-term relationships toward the end of high

school or during college. When these relationships last into your
twenties, your metabolism is slowing down very quickly and your
weight settles in a certain way. Women are much more physically
susceptible to these changes than men.

• Women often have babies in long-term relationships. How many men

are forced to carry another human being in their bodies, accompanied
by weight gains that can be 50 pounds or more? Let’s not even
mention the fact that you cannot physically exercise during the last
three months of the pregnancy, and your new schedule as a mother
makes it very hard to get back into shape after you give birth.

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• In our society, men are not expected to take as good of care of

themselves as women are. It’s just a fact. A lot of people feel that if a
woman gains 15 pounds and has the audacity to not wear make-up
whenever she steps out of the house, she isn’t trying hard enough.
Meanwhile, guys can throw a baseball cap on, go several days
without shaving (or grow a beard), gain 20 pounds, and nobody
thinks to say that they have “let themselves go.”

• Finally, women do not judge men based on looks in the way that men
do with women. For most women, a guy having a little belly, or the
lack of a great physique, is not a big impediment to attraction or a
possible relationship. It’s more about internal qualities such as a
man’s confidence, sense of humor, and the chemistry that you have
together.

Men are simply hard-wired to look more for appearance, and thus
judge women more harshly than we judge them. After the breakup of
a relationship where both individuals gained 30 pounds, the man is
much more likely to be found attractive by women than the woman is
to be found attractive by single men.

Look at someone like the popular and talented singer Adele. Adele has
won Grammy Awards, had huge hit singles, sold millions of albums, and
been a worldwide success, yet her weight is always one of the first things
people discuss about her.

Now look at a guy like the actor Jack Black, who has had success both as
a comedic actor and as part of the two-man comedic rock duo Tenacious
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D. Jack Black is an overweight guy. But not only is his weight hardly ever
mentioned, but it’s considered a huge part of what makes him so funny.

Whether it’s fair or not, people are going to judge you based on your
appearance. Therefore, while I would advise you to exercise mainly for the
benefits I outlined in the last section, you cannot deny that being able to
look better and lose weight is also a great benefit.

Yes, you should feel good about yourself no matter your weight or body
type. Having said that, being healthier is always a good thing, and all of us
can improve the way our bodies look and feel, even if we never aspire to
become fitness models.

Really, that should be the template that you follow for all of your personal
improvement goals. You do not need to be “the best” at anything you do;
instead, your goal should simply be improvement.

Lofty goals can be good to motivate you at first, but when they are too hard
to achieve, you’ll be tempted to give up. It’s better to simply do things you
enjoy, get the benefits that you can, and be happy with simply improving
yourself, even if it’s not by a huge margin.

One more note to add about physical exercise before we move on to other
ways to improve yourself: as a person who works out a lot now but
previously did not, I used to buy into a lot of silly fears about exercising.
The worst one (which somehow is very widespread) is that women should
not lift weights because they might get “too big.”
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If you want to know how silly that is, go up to a bodybuilder in your gym and
ask him what he had to do to even reach the muscle size and tone he has.
Men (and women) with large muscles sink hundreds of dollars into
supplements each month. They go to the gym and lift extremely heavy
weights only a few times per week. They have very strict diets that require
vast quantities of protein.

In other words, you’re in no danger of acquiring a bulky physique by lifting

fairly small weights a few times per week. People do not acquire huge
muscles by accident. In fact, it’s very difficult to do, especially for females.

So don’t worry about looking like a female bodybuilder; they put in massive
amounts of work to look the way they do, even if it’s not aesthetically
pleasing to you and I.

I suggest you supplement your cardio with a simple weight-training circuit,

where you lift smaller weights for 15-20 repetitions each, and do the routine
a few times per week. It will tone your body, make your legs and arms look
better, and make you healthier. Also, muscle burns more calories than fat
and boosts your metabolism!

Other than working towards a better, healthier, more attractive body, there
is a lot you can do to take advantage of this time apart from your ex. One
thing that you can do is improve the quality of your other personal
relationships.

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Often, we can easily forget our friends and family members when we
become consumed in a relationship with someone. Now that you’re single,
you may find out that some of the people that were close to you actually felt
put off by the lack of attention you gave them during your relationship.

You can rebuild these valuable relationships after a breakup, and in turn
these friends will help you to get over the breakup and feel better about
your life. Now is the time to really spend time with people you care about,
and remind them that you care for them the way that you do.

Furthermore, this is a time to learn new things that you never had time to
dabble in before. You can improve your cooking skills by taking classes.
You can pursue the writing project you always wanted to start. You can get
music lessons to give yourself a creative outlet. You can become involved
in community theater, or play sports for fun and exercise.

You have a lot more free time now, so why not use it for self-improvement?

Treat Yourself Better

Even in good relationships, women have a tendency to forget how to put

themselves first. Well, this is a time in your life when you can certainly
make yourself the number one priority. If you were in a long-term
relationship, this is probably the first time in a while you have been able to
do so—so enjoy it!
Some great ideas for treating yourself include:

• Trying a new hairstyle

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• Getting a makeover

• Revamping your wardrobe, or just buying some new outfits

• Spending money on yourself for a spa day or other relaxing getaway

• Heading out on a weekend trip with some good friends

• Trying activities that you never had the time for before

• Spending time doing solitary activities (like reading) that you had less
time for when you were together with your ex

The list goes on and on. Other ways would include some of the ideas I
mentioned earlier, that help you to improve yourself as a person. If you can
make yourself a better-rounded, happier, more interesting person while
also putting yourself first for once, good for you! That’s two birds with one
stone, right?

Some of these ideas may seem cosmetic and shallow, but isn’t that kind of
the point? When was the last time you felt good about doing something
cosmetic and shallow? If you were sharing money with your ex, you may
have felt guilty when you spent cash on frivolous things. Now, you have no
one to be accountable to but yourself.

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Some of these ideas, such as trying out a new hairstyle, getting a

makeover, or buying new clothes, can not only be a fun diversion—they’re
also a great way to make a symbolic new start. There is a reason why
many women like to change up their appearance after a breakup. They
want to have a physical manifestation of the way they are feeling inside,
which is pretty much like a new person.

Experts support the idea of trying out a new look after a tough breakup. Not
only will it help you mentally make the transition to a very uncertain (but
new and exciting) period in your life, but it will help you turn the page and
forget the past, too.

Also, you can freshen things up, which will certainly help you on the dating
scene when you are ready to get back on the proverbial horse.

Getaways to a local spa or full-on vacations to a relaxing locale are also

terrific ideas. You have earned a break from all of the stress of not only
your breakup, but the other numerous responsibilities in your life, and these
are excellent ways to give you that break.

I love the idea of doing these fun things with friends, too. That way, you can
relax but also have the emotional support, laughter, and good feelings that
you get from spending time with your girls.

There is even more to this advice than simply making you feel better in the
short term. As a woman, it’s very important that you resist the urge to put

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all the effort into your future relationships—whether it’s a relationship you
re-kindle with your ex, or with someone new.

So many women have such a selfless, self-sacrificing, even “motherly”

approach to relationships that they end up putting way more into them than
their partners do.

How many times have you seen a friend who seems to care way more
about her boyfriend than vice versa?

How many times have you seen friends give up friendships, hobbies, jobs,
goals, and dreams in order to have a relationship with someone?

Now, how many times have you seen guys do those things?

It just does not happen, or at least not with the frequency that it happens
with women.

Is that the way that you want to live your life?

Do you want to be the one making all of the sacrifices in your next
relationship?

It could be that this was one of the big issues behind your recent breakup.
If not, it might be something that always nagged at you. And when the
relationship ends up in a breakup, how do you feel about all that you
sacrificed?
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You gave so many things up, and for what?

Next time, you have the opportunity to go into things with a different
outlook. You can go into a relationship as an independent, strong woman
who is not going to make all the sacrifices to make a relationship work. You
can enter into a relationship as an equal partner, so that you don’t have to
be less of a person, and less true to yourself, in order to stay together and
make the other person happy.

That all starts now. This is a great chance for you to get into the habit of
putting yourself first and caring about your own needs for once. If you
cannot do it now, you will never be able to do it within the confines of a
relationship.

However, if you can get the hang out of being a fully-formed independent
person right now, you will not only be more attractive to the kind of
confident, independent, modern-thinking guy that you should be attracted
to, but you will also be able to carry over that kind of personal philosophy
into your future relationships.

You know that boredom that sets in when you’ve been with someone for a
long time? A lot of that happens because when people become too
immersed in coupledom, they simply stop evolving as individuals.

If you decide right now that you are not going to give up your goals,
interests, or personal aspirations for someone else, you will end up being a
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more interesting person to be with, which will help keep your future
relationships fresh and interesting, too.

Contact With Your Ex

During this time, you need to give your ex some space. This might sound
like cliché advice, but it’s true. Space and time will allow your feelings
towards each other to cool down, and hopefully he’ll begin to realize he
may have screwed up big-time by letting you go.

(A bit later in this book, you’ll learn some techniques that you can use to
trigger these emotions, and to make him think about you, reminisce about
your relationship, and miss you.)

We’re going to refer to this as the No Contact phase of your plan. There are
other reasons why it’s necessary for you to spend some time apart from
him:

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• It allows you to get your emotions under control.

• It helps you to gain some perspective on the relationship, and the

breakup.

• It gives your ex a taste of what life will really be like without you.

• It prevents you from doing anything impulsive or stupid that will only
reinforce his decision to break up with you.

• It shows your ex that your life IS going on without him.

The urge to text him, call him, or send him an email right now may be
overwhelming. But you’ve got to resist these feelings, because they will
only harm your chances of getting him back.

If you’ve already bombarded him with texts, calls or emails, desperately

trying to get a response, all hope is not lost—but you’ve got to cease that
behavior immediately, and start putting this plan to work.

Taking some “time off” from him will allow you to start thinking with your
head instead of your heart.

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How Long Should The No Contact Phase Last?

Some relationship experts say that this “No Contact” period after a breakup
should last a minimum of 30 days. There are reasons behind this. In a
month’s time, he’ll probably have gotten over his hurt feelings and
resentments. (It’s been said in scientific studies that our brains “reset” after
around three weeks; that’s how much time it typically takes you to get rid of
a bad habit, for instance.)

This is also enough time for him to seriously start missing you if he had any
regrets about breaking up. Hopefully during this period, he’ll come to the
realization that he had a good thing with you—but it’s not such a long
period of time that you run the risk of having him forget you, or having him
enter into a serious relationship with someone else.

While 30 days can be a good rule of thumb, I do understand that it might

seem like an eternity right now. And there are situations where it makes
sense for you to resume contact with him sooner than that. The most
important thing is that you take the necessary amount of time to heal and
think about the real reasons behind the breakup, and whether your ex
really is the man you belong with for the long-term. It’s doubtful that you’ll
be able sort through all of your emotions and make these assessments

Later in this book, I’ll pose a few questions to you that will help to determine
whether you’re really ready to reach out to him to see about working things
out. If you aren’t ready yet (i.e you’re still highly emotional and desperately
miss him), then contacting him is only going to backfire. Even if there’s a
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part of him that misses you, too, and you rush back into a relationship with
him, the problems that drove you apart (and caused him to break it off) are
still going to be there.

If you spend this No Contact period in a constructive way, when you DO

meet up with him again you’re going to be in a much calmer, stronger,
healthier (and attractive) state.

What About Long-Distance Relationships?

 

I do want to note that the same rules we’ve discussed so far apply to long
distance relationships. This includes the No Contact phase. If you live far
away from your ex, then there probably isn’t any chance of you bumping
into him somewhere randomly. You also aren’t involved in any group
activities together. And your communication with him has probably relied
heavily on the Internet and phone calls.

But just remember, the rules and strategies we’re giving you in this guide
apply to long distance relationships, too. Emailing or calling him, when
you’re in an emotional state and he needs time and space to cool off and
sort through his own feelings, can ruin your chances of patching things
up—just the same as if you showed up at his house or job to try to talk to
him.

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When “No Contact” Isn’t Possible

There are some circumstances where totally avoiding your ex is

impossible. Examples would include:

• You live together

• You work together
• You have kids together

In these cases, the key is to limit your contact with your ex. I’ll explain some
strategies for this in a moment. Otherwise, if there isn’t a reason why you
absolutely need to maintain contact with your ex, I want you to leave him
alone for the time being.

Now, there are situations that might come up where it seems “ok” for you to
resume contact with your ex.

For example, a mutual friend might tell you that your ex wants to talk to
you…

There might be a holiday party coming up, and you know he’ll be there…

There might be some big news you want to share with him about
something that happened in your life, or in one your mutual friends’ lives…

But trust me on this. You stand a much better chance of re-attracting him
(which we’ll get to later), and reuniting with him, if you’re able to stick to a

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No Contact period of at least three weeks, because you need this time to
heal and show him that you’re perfectly capable of being without him.

During this period, your ex might reach out to you. (Hey, not too long ago
you were his girlfriend—don’t think for a moment that he doesn’t miss you,
or at least something about you, at least once a day.) If he does reach
out—whether it’s sending you a text message, calling you, posting
something on your Facebook wall, or bumping into you somewhere and
talking to you—you simply need to remember this:

• Be positive and upbeat. You need to give him the impression that
you’ve been doing GREAT. If you’re involved in any new activities, or
if anything interesting and exciting is going on in your life, mention it.
He’s probably expecting you to be down in the dumps ever since he
broke up with you. Be the opposite.

• Don’t allow him to drag you into any conversations about your past
relationship. Keep the conversation light and social. If he tries to talk
to you about the breakup, give a mature, upbeat response such as: “I
was bummed out that things didn’t work out, but it’s OK. I’ve accepted
it.” And then change the subject. Ask him how he’s been doing, and
be enthusiastic.

• Keep the conversation brief (10 minutes MAX) and then make a
graceful exit by saying you need to be somewhere, or do something.

In other words, you seem like you’re happy to hear from him—the way
you’d be excited to hear from a friend you hadn’t talked to in a while. But
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YOU are the one who must “pull away” and end the conversation, because
you’ve got somewhere to be, or something to do.

If this seems to annoy your ex a bit, that’s a good sign! This is the “push-
pull” theory in action. It’s going to make it that much more powerful when
you reach out to him when the No Contact period is over. Right now, you’re
laying the groundwork.

The same rules apply if you’re in a situation with your ex where contact is
unavoidable (such as, you work together, or you share custody of a child
and he comes by on the weekends to pick them up).When you see your ex
in these situations, follow the same strategy: be upbeat, be brief, and be
the one who (politely) ends the conversation.

The “Push-Pull” Of Attraction

 

Attraction between human beings can best be described in terms of push-

pull. When you’re eager to be with a person romantically, and you’re
aggressively pushing yourself on them, their natural tendency is to pull
away.
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In other words, when you try to pull someone towards you, you will always
encounter resistance.

Have you ever known a guy who was way too eager to be with you? Maybe
at first, you thought you might be interested in him…but he turned you off
because he called your phone too often, or wanted to see you all the time.
It’s an attraction killer when you get the sense that the other person doesn’t
have much of a life outside of trying to be with you.

People are wired to want what they can’t have, and they don’t appreciate
the things they easily CAN have.

With men, this goes one step further. Guys are biologically programmed to
crave a CHALLENGE.

I want you to keep this in mind as we move forward with our plan. If your ex
knows that he can simply send you a text message and have you crawling
into his bed 30 minutes from now, apologizing and promising that you’ll be
the “perfect girlfriend,” there’s no way he’s going to feel attracted enough to
want a relationship with you. (In fact, he’ll completely lose respect for you.)

So just keep in mind, “re-attracting” your man (which we’ll discuss in more
detail later on) is going to require you to think in terms of Push-Pull.

You’re not going to chase him.

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You’re not going to pester him.

You’re not going to flirt with guys your ex knows, hoping that your he’ll get
jealous when he hears about it.

You’re going to take a more subtle, stealthy approach. You’ll encourage

him to start pushing himself towards you…and then you’re going to pull
away, which will only make him want you more.

But in order to make this work, you need to spend some time apart from
him, without contact. You need to plant the idea in his mind that you are
NOT devastated by this breakup. You are not needy, or insecure, or
desperate to be with him. You’ve gotten over the breakup, and you are
moving forward.

When you re-establish contact with him (which we’ll cover a bit later on),
this is how he should picture you. This will allow you to use “push-pull” and
make him think of you as a PRIZE he needs to win—not as a lonely, needy
person who needs a man to cling to.

The Negative Emotion Neutralizer

Now we’re going to get into the core method of the Ex Back Experts
system, which you will use to start taking action to attract him back. Used
correctly, it can virtually wipe out the negative feelings your ex has towards

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you, and replace them with positive emotions whenever he thinks of you (or
to just make him flat-out miss you).

Rather than associating you with traits he disliked (maybe he thought you
were too needy, insecure, inattentive, or he simply felt bored with the
relationship), the Negative Emotion Neutralizer will make him think about
your positive qualities—the ones that made him love you in the first place.

Before I explain how this works, I want to make something very clear: there
is no “overnight” method for winning your ex back and re-starting your
relationship on the right track. Your ex is NOT ready right now to have you
come rushing back into his life to try to work things out. The reasons why
he left the relationship are still fresh in his mind. Push him now, and he’ll
probably only pull away.

That’s why we’re going to take a much smarter approach…

The Negative Emotion Neutralizer is comprised of four elements:

1: Identify The Core Reasons & Assess What Went Wrong

2: Plant Emotional Seeds In His Mind

3: Re-Initiate Casual Contact

4: Meet With Him & Display The “New You”

First, let’s identify the core reasons. There are two questions you need to
answer (be brutally honest with yourself): what was the key reason why he
broke up with you, and what was the key reason why he fell in love with
you in the first place? Understanding the answers to these questions will
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help you to implement the Negative Emotion Neutralizer in the most

effective way.

If you think it was your neediness (or clinginess) that caused him to lose his
attraction for you, then it’s going to be important to show him that you’re
about to happily move on without him—that you’re out there enjoying life
and actually thriving in this post-breakup period. And you’re meeting new
people, too.

Use Mutual Friends To Make Him Think Of You

During the No Contact period, you’re not going to be talking to your ex—but
you can still “send him the message” that you’re moving on with your life
and not moping around at home, dwelling on the breakup. You can do this
in two different ways: by seeing mutual friends (which will relay information
back to him about how you’re doing), and by updating your Facebook
profile to showcase your best self.

Mutual friends are people who are friends with both you and your ex.
During this period, any time you see or talk to these people, you should
assume that they’ll update your ex on how you’re doing.

For this reason, you should always be upbeat and positive around these
people. Tell them about a new activity you’re involved in. If you’ve been
dating at all (going on some casual dates during the No Contact period is
perfectly alright), mention that to your mutual friends, too. Word will filter
back to your ex.

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You want him to think that you’re doing just fine on your own. This will
trigger some pretty powerful emotions inside of him, and it can change his
opinion of you. If he normally thinks of you as being needy and insecure,
he’ll be surprised (and impressed) to hear that you’re handling yourself in
such a mature way.

He might also feel a bit insecure: If you were able to recover and rebound
from the breakup this quickly, maybe he wasn’t as special as he thought!

To men, confidence is sexy. Neediness and insecurity is a big turn-off.

Make sure that if he’s going to hear or learn anything about you during the
No Contact period, it sends the message that you’re moving onward and
upward with your life.

Make Him Miss You & Fantasize About You

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When it comes to re-attracting your ex and keeping yourself in his thoughts,

Facebook can be one of your most powerful tools. (I’m going to assume
you’ve got a Facebook profile; even my Mom and Dad are on it every day.)

When your ex is thinking of you, one of the first things he’s likely to do is
surf over to your Facebook profile to see if you’ve posted anything lately, or
to browse through your pictures.

You can also use Facebook to convey to your ex that you’re moving on
with your life, and doing just fine without him. First, after a breakup, you
should take down any Facebook pictures that show you with your ex. You
don’t need to delete them forever; keep the pictures on your computer if
you want, but remove them from your profile. And change your relationship
status to “single.”

The next time he visits your profile and sees those pictures gone, and your
relationship status changed, it will send a powerful message that you’ve
moved on. And this is what you want him to think…for now, at least.

From then on, update your Facebook profile at least a couple of times per
week. Post new pictures of yourself that your friends will comment on and
say nice things about. These pictures should show you enjoying life and
looking great.

Go out with your girlfriends, have some fun, and bring a camera along (or
use your phone’s built-in camera). Take a bunch of pictures and select the
ones where you look your best, with a smile on your face. You might
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include a group pic of you and some friends, including a cute guy
(someone your ex does not know) who you met while you were out with the
girls. Then post it on your profile with a caption like, “Me and the gang at
happy hour…one of my new favorite hangouts!”

Don’t go overboard. You don’t want your ex to think you’re out whoring
around with a bunch of random men. But some pictures that show you out
enjoying yourself—perhaps with another guy or two in the group—will
trigger feelings of curiosity on his part, pangs of jealousy, and hopefully
some regrets about ending the relationship.

TIP: To increase the chances of your ex seeing your latest Facebook

posts, ask one of your mutual Facebook friends to “tag” the pictures. This
way, it will appear in his news feed. He won’t be required to visit your
profile to see what you’ve been up to.

You can also use Facebook to keep tabs on your ex and see what he’s
been up to, but resist the urge to check his profile frequently—and don’t
contact him on Facebook. Not yet. We’ve still got some more work to do…

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Step 3: Looking at What Went Wrong

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Once you’ve had some time and distance from the breakup, you’ll want to
take an honest look at your relationship and start to think in terms of what
went wrong, and why he decided to walk away.

Right now, that may seem like the most unappealing task of all time. I can
hardly blame you. Ugh…dwelling on a failed relationship, assessing blame,
reliving it all when you’re supposed to be moving on?

Why do that?

As it turns out, there are many compelling reasons for doing so. You may
think that this is only an important thing to do if you want to get back
together with your ex, and I can see the logic in that line of thinking.

However, you need to look back at what happened in the relationship no

matter whether you plan on getting back together with your ex, whether you
plan on being with someone new, or even if you don’t plan on dating at all
for the foreseeable future.

You have to learn from your past in order to be more successful in the
future, and failed relationships often give us many signs that point to
possible issues we’ll encounter in future relationships.

Whether you reunite with your ex or decide it’s best to part ways
permanently, you don’t want the same problems to creep up later on in life,
when you’re with someone who you really want to build a future with.

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Think back not only about the big arguments you had with your ex (though
you have to consider them, too), but also about the little things that you
used to bicker about. While you may be tempted to ignore the many times
you fought over what many couples would call “stupid stuff,” think about
why you got caught in those traps so often.

Was it really your ex not picking up after himself that made you so mad?
Were you really arguing over who was going to put groceries away, or
some other little thing—or was there a larger underlying problem?

Many times when couples fight over seemingly insignificant things, there is
much more at work than meets the eye. Often, we’re unhappy about
deeper issues in the relationship.

Think of this unhappiness as an inch or two of water in the bottom of a

coffee cup. Now, when more water gets poured in the cup (by little
arguments or problems), it does not take much to make the cup overflow
(or your anger overflow, working within the analogy), because you always
have a base level of water (or frustration) present.

If you’re one of the many couples who often fought about tiny things, ask
yourself what those fights were really all about. Think hard about what
things you really didn’t like about your ex. Think equally hard about the
things he probably wasn’t happy about with you.

I’m not talking silly things, or things that only came up once or twice, but
recurring issues—such as when one person isn’t communicating, doesn’t
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want to open up, is more or less interested in sex than the other person, or
doesn’t show respect to the other person in public. We’re looking for big,
corrosive problems that can melt the good right out of a relationship.

Figuring Out What the Problem Was

You’re certainly not entirely to blame

for whatever happened in your
relationship. You may not even be
mostly to blame. But we can’t do
much about the other person’s
faults…or can we?

There are actually two aspects of

your ex’s faults that I want you to
take a good look at. They represent
two mistakes that women make all
the time:

• Women often overlook glaring, even obvious faults in people they are
attracted to

• Women also make the mistake of thinking they can “change” their
lovers

Both of these problems represent a mentality that you need to get out of in
order to have successful relationships. Often, these two types of thinking

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work together. Women will meet someone who is cute and charming and
think, “He’s not perfect, but I can change him.”

You’re much better off if you take the entire person for what they are and
assume that no, you will not be able to change them, at least not
fundamentally. Sure, in a best case scenario the relationship will make you
both better people, but this isn’t something you should count on. Instead,
ask yourself, “if this guy stays the way he is right now, will I be happy with
him?” If the answer is “no,” what are you doing wasting your time with him?

Furthermore, please do not make the mistake of overlooking glaring faults

in a possible boyfriend such as a history of cheating, disrespect towards
women, or any history of verbal or physical abuse.

I see women all the time who say that they simply “attract bad guys.” You
attract bad guys because you don’t mind dating them! Everybody, and I
mean everybody, gives off signs and signals that they may or may not be
such a great person, and you just have to be willing to accept those
signals.

Many times, women don’t want to mess up what they have going with
someone, and basically ignore the warning signs that are telling them to
run far, far away and not look back.

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Questions To Consider About Your Ex...

 

• Had your ex ever been in a relationship that lasted longer than 12

months?

• Did he mention that he wanted to settle down and have kids?

• Had he dated a lot of girls in the past?

• How did his relationships with other women usually end?

In terms of you, try to think of some patterns that have evolved in your past
relationships, including your most recent one. Have boyfriends accused
you of being nagging?

Needy?

Hard to get along with?

Emotionally distant?

Do you have habits that you should be aware of because they frequently
bother the guys you date?

In some cases, it may be good to change (at least a little) if you can. If you
know that you’re hard to get along with because you are very demanding,
relax a bit with your expectations, if you can.

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With that said, if you are naturally a more emotionally closed-off,

independent person, should you try to change into a needy cuddle-monster
overnight to satisfy a new boyfriend? Of course not.

What you want is a mixture of changing some negative traits, along with
recognizing those that are neither positive or negative, but simply represent
who you are. If you’re a grumpy person in the mornings, you can try to
change that, but you can at least be aware of this trait you have so that you
can manage it in the future.

When you’re ready to date again—whether it’s with your ex, or with
someone new—if you’ve been honest with yourself about your own
strengths, weaknesses, pet peeves, and personality quirks, you can be up
front with prospective boyfriends about the kind of person you are, and you
can do a better job of trying to find someone who you will be compatible
with. In other words, you can stop trying to fit a square peg into a circle-
shaped hole where it will never fit, anyway.

Why Men Leave

I also want you to think about the real reasons why he left the relationship.
Here are some of the most common reasons why men “bail out”—although
they will seldom tell you these reasons. See if any of these situations might
have applied to your relationship, and you might figure out the truth behind
why the relationship ran into problems.

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He felt trapped.

Men need breathing room. Were you one of those girlfriends who wanted to
spend every waking moment possible with your man? Did you get upset
whenever he wanted to spend some “guy time” with his friends? Were you
constantly calling or texting him to check up on him? Are you a jealous
person by nature? This type of behavior can make a man feel suffocated,
and it’s the reason behind a lot of breakups.

You made him feel like less of a man.

A lot of women lose sight of the fact that a man is meant to act like a man.
When a woman “henpecks” a man constantly and criticizes him about small
things, it makes him feel emasculated. Some women behave this way
because their primary need is to feel secure, and in order to feel this way
they need to have the “power position” in the relationship.

This type of woman feels that as long as she’s wielding the power and
calling the shots, he won’t be able to leave her—but often, that’s exactly
what happens. Or, a woman might constantly nag and criticize their man
because he’s not strong, independent and decisive. She doesn’t feel
secure with him, and subconsciously she’s trying to him force him to “step
up” and show a backbone.

This was the case with my friend Michelle and her boyfriend, Joe. He was a
nice guy, but irresponsible and unmotivated. She “wore the pants” in the
relationship and was always nagging at him—whether it was about his

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clothes, finding a better job, smoking too much pot, or any number of other
things.

I could sense that Michelle didn’t feel secure with Joe because he
constantly deferred to her. He was a doormat. The more she nagged him,
the more he withdrew into himself, and the more upset she got. The one
time he did take charge was when he decided to pack up his things and
leave her.

With most guys, even if you think they’ve got immature or irresponsible
qualities, they still want their girlfriend to view them as the “alpha male” who
is capable of solving things and fixing problems. Women tend to complain
and talk about problems; men are wired to want to fix them.

Your boyfriend will probably be happier in the relationship if you encourage

him to play this role. And if you complain a lot, but don’t let him know what
he can do to solve the problem, he’ll get frustrated.

You pressured him into making a commitment.

Even though a lot of guys fantasize in their younger years about being
“players” who have a string of girlfriends, the truth is that most men do want
to settle down and have kids. However, they’ve often got anxieties about
commitment.
This is because men, by their genetic programming, want to feel in control
and independent. When a woman tries to get a commitment from a man,

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she’s thinking one step at a time—but he’s already thinking several steps
ahead!

For example, when a woman asks a guy she’s dating if they’re now going
to be “exclusive” with each other, she’s just talking about them not sleeping
with other people. But he’s already thinking, “Whoa…so where is this
headed? Marriage? Kids? Hey, let’s not rush this…”

If you ask a guy about moving in together, same thing. You just see it as a
logical next step for your relationship. But he might be thinking that moving
in together is a “sign” that you’re expecting marriage, kids, the whole nine
yards.

And this is when women ask the questions that drive men crazy…

“Why don’t you want to move in with me? Don’t you love me?”

“Why don’t you want to get married? Don’t you love me enough? Is it
because of that bitch Lisa you work with? I see the way she looks at you…”

The more you try to pressure a man into taking these steps, the more he
will associate negative feelings with taking that step. The more pressure
from you, the more resistance from him.

As I mentioned in the introduction to this book, I once lost a great boyfriend

because I put too much pressure on him. At the time, I couldn’t help myself.

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I was terrified at the thought of losing him. All of my close friends were
married or engaged.

So I brought up the subject of marriage way too often. I now know that the
best policy is to enjoy each other in the moment. Do I want to get married
someday? Absolutely. But it’s not going to happen through pressure. I’m
focused on being a great girlfriend and showing my love to my boyfriend
through my day-to-day actions.

You were insecure and it drove him nuts.

Jealousy is a form of insecurity. So is the need to be constantly reassured

that your man still loves you, finds you attractive, would never leave you,
etc. Men can only put up with this behavior for so long. It’s highly
unattractive to them (in addition to being unpleasant to be around). What is
attractive is a woman who is strong, confident and independent.

When a man is thinking about leaving a relationship, he won’t tell you what
he’s thinking. He might not give any indication at all that he’s thinking about
ending things.

But over time, as you continue to display the qualities that drive him nuts
(insecurity, jealousy, pressure to commit, nagging, etc.) he’ll be thinking to
himself, “Do I really want to stay in this relationship? Am I really happy with
her?”

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Women are much more likely to vocalize their feelings. A man will usually
just withdraw. He’ll start detaching himself from the relationship. He might
start spending more time hanging out with his friends; work longer hours;
pick up a new hobby that gives him a reason to stop spending time with
you; and he might start acting “cold” and distant when he’s around you.

If your boyfriend starts showing this type of behavior, you should sit him
down (when the two of you are alone) and talk to him about it. Say, “I know
something is wrong and I can tell that something’s bothering you. Is it
because I (fill in the blank with the quality of yours that you think could be
the reason)?”

And then, let him talk. You just listen. Don’t be judgmental and don’t start
an argument. If he’s willing to share his feelings and open up about what’s
bothering him in the relationship, that’s a good sign. It gives you something
to work on.

NOTE: One form of insecurity that women show is not being able to accept
compliments. I have a friend named Nate who complained to me about this.
His wife, Stacy, had some insecurity issues, which was obvious from the
way she reacted whenever people paid her compliments—particularly her
husband.

Nate: “Honey, you look great in that dress.”

Stacy: “You’re just saying that. This color is terrible on me.”

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Nate: “I think it’s great that you’re thinking about getting your master’s
degree.”
Stacy: “Naw, It’s probably a stupid idea…”

Nate: “You’re looking good, that gym membership is starting to pay off.”
Stacy: “I still need to lose ten pounds, I feel so fat.”

Stacy’s insecurities, and overall negative attitude, were a big reason why
Nate eventually broke up with her and moved on to seek happiness with
someone else.

So the next time your man (or anyone, for that matter) pays you a genuine
compliment, don’t shrug it off or make them feel wrong for saying it. Just
look them in the eye, give a big smile, and say “thanks.”

So What Do Guys Really Want?!

To add another dimension to your ability to be a part of a successful

relationship, let’s look at what guys really want from a woman. You
probably think you already have a pretty good idea of what guys want, and
maybe you do.

However, what we want to do is look at a specific type of guy—that is, the

kind of guy that you would actually a) want to date, and b) be able to
sustain a healthy, long-term relationship with.

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Much of this will be up to your personal taste. You may prefer a guy who is
more independent, or you may like a guy who wants to be with you every
waking hour of the day. That kind of thing is just a matter of preference,
and while I certainly think moderation is very important, I don’t want to sit
here and try to tell you what kind of guys you are into, when you obviously
know better.

However, let’s make sure to separate things like independent vs.

dependent, or outdoorsy vs. homebody, from other things that really
shouldn’t be a choice at all. I want to reiterate that at no point should being
with a guy who disrespects you, and takes you for granted, be considered a
“preference.”

You may tell yourself that you like “bad boys” instead of nice guys, but what
you really mean is that you are not attracted to the type of guy you perceive
to be “nice.” You probably think of “nice” as “timid, lacking in confidence,
not sexually attractive,” and so on. But should those qualities be mutually
exclusive? Of course not.

When girls say they are into bad boys, does that really mean they like guys
who are rude to them, who hurt their feelings, who can’t be trusted, or
cheat on them? Does it mean they like guys who are constantly in trouble,
or who are sometimes abusive?

Do they like those qualities, or are they simply initially attracted to the other
qualities—such as self-confidence, self-assuredness, and that certain
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“vibe” that a so-called bad boy gives off? Don’t you think it’s possible to find
someone who has self-confidence and a bit of swagger, but is also
responsible, caring and won’t treat you like garbage?

One truth that is hard to swallow for many women that claim they “attract
bad guys” is that bad guys are attracted to an easy mark. They’re attracted
to women who they can talk to in a certain way, someone who seems like
they may have lower self-esteem, someone who isn’t so sure of
themselves. You may not think that you are that person, but if you feel that
you attract “bad guys,” why would you say that is?

Let’s look at what a decent guy would be interested in. A guy who wants a
real partner, and not simply someone to have sex with or to take advantage
of, wants you to be at least somewhat independent. He wants you to have
goals and aspirations of your own, not to simply follow his lead all the time
or set aside everything for him.

A good guy will want to be with someone who has her own friends and
strong ties to family or other important people in her life. He will not simply
want to “absorb” her into his own world and ask her to leave everyone she
cares about behind.

A good guy wants you to be interesting and fun to be with. He does not
want you to be a decoration on his arm, nor does he want you to be
someone who just leaves him alone because he never feels like talking.

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Think about how you can better personify those qualities. Much of it has to
do with being your own person. A lot of it has to do with being happy, too. If
you’re not happy, not only will you not be fun to be with, you also will not be
someone that will interest the kind of person that you deserve in your life.

Refusing to Play Games

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Whether you ultimately decide to get back with your ex, or you end up with
somebody completely different, it’s important that you make a conscious
decision to be above the kind of silly stuff that makes dating a lot more
frustrating that it needs to be.

What am I talking about?

I’m talking about playing games.

Certainly, you know about playing games within a relationship, but here are
a few examples, just in case:

• Guys who are willing or able to show you affection in public

• Having silly arguments where the other person pretends not to

understand how relationships work

• Being with someone who doesn’t seem to know whether they want to
be with you or not

The list could be endless, really. What it all comes down to, though, is
immaturity. You’re reading this book because you are a mature woman
who is ready to have a similarly mature relationship. The time for all the
crap you went through in high school is over.

But here’s something to keep in mind. Telling a man you’re just getting to
know that you’re “not into playing games” can cause him to walk in the
other direction. Women often misinterpret this as a sign that whoever she
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was seeing either couldn’t handle her directness, or was exactly the kind of
guy that wants to play games and isn’t interested in a serious relationship.

Here’s the thing, though: there is a right way and many, many wrong ways
to address the fact that you want to have a mature relationship. When
many women decide to make this point clear, they end up coming across
either as someone who takes everything too seriously, or as someone who
is in a hurry to have a big commitment.

Nobody, even a guy who could be ready to commit to the right person,
wants to talk about commitment on the first few dates. It’s unnecessary, it
comes across as forced, and it makes you look a tad desperate.

Furthermore, while many guys don’t want to play head games either, that
doesn’t mean they want to be with a Serious Sally who seems so above it
all that she no longer knows how to have fun. Depending on how you get
the message across, you may seem like a spoil-sport rather than someone
who simply doesn’t want her head to be messed with.

Things like flirting, or the give-and-take that comes early in a relationship

when you are feeling each other out and seeing what the interest level is,
are not head games. There should be a kind of playfulness in your
relationship, especially early on, that he may not think you are down for if
the first thing you say to him (very serious-like) is something like, “I’m not
out to waste my time; I’m not getting any younger,” etc.

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I think there is a better way to phrase this kind of stuff, along with a right
and a wrong time to even get the message across to a prospective
boyfriend. What are you really talking about when you are talking about
head games? You’re talking about honesty.

So why not simply say, “I want to date someone who is honest and direct
with me,” and leave it at that? In fact, I wouldn’t even say anything about
“playing games” because it has become such a cliché to talk about not
being interested in playing them (even among men and women who readily
do play them) that it has very little meaning anymore.

Plus, you don’t want to get into your old baggage right away with a new
person. Talking about being sick of all the games people play makes a
strong statement, whether you mean to or not, about the relationships you
have already been in.

It also opens the door to venting about your past relationships, which you
should not be doing on the first several dates. Sure, your dating experience
will come up, but just as you don’t want to immediately badmouth your old
employers on a job interview, you don’t want to start off a new relationship
by bashing your ex.

If you’re getting back together with your ex, this still holds true. Don’t put
him on the defensive for all the stuff that happened before by talking about
head games and what not. Instead, tell him you want him to be honest and
direct and that you will not settle for anything less. Do this when it comes

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up organically in conversation, and when you’re talking about what you

want in your next attempt at a relationship with him.

When you’re dating someone new, the same thing applies. Don’t force this
kind of talk into an otherwise fun conversation; you’ll just look like a party
pooper if you do. Instead, when the subject of what you are each looking
for in a boyfriend/girlfriend inevitably comes up in conversation, make
honesty and direct communication a priority to discuss.

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Again, avoid talking about things like not wanting to “waste your time,” etc.,
because it gives the impression that you are in a hurry to get serious and
that you don’t want to have fun while dating, but are instead trying to find a
guy who you can lock into a commitment. I don’t think I need to tell you how
most men respond to this type of pressure on a first date. (“Umm, well it
was great meeting you, but I’ve got to be up early tomorrow, so…”)

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Step 4: Getting Back Together

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Before you proceed to this step, be sure that you’ve taken some time to be
by yourself and followed the other advice in this book by putting yourself
number one for a while, bettering yourself in various ways, and considering
the underlying reasons behind the problems in your previous relationships.

At this point, you may have decided that getting back together with your ex
is what you truly want.

This is a serious decision, because if you followed the process up until this
point, you both may have healed from the pain of the breakup. You may
even be on speaking terms and in a place where you are both okay with
how the relationship ended.

If you decide to get together again, you have to know you are making the
right decision and that it’s worth the risk of possibly going through the
whole process again.

Remember that a new relationship with your ex is only one of a number of

options for you—with one option being staying single. If it sounds as if I’m
trying to talk you out of getting back with your ex, that’s not the case. By
realizing all of the choices you have, and still choosing to be with one
person, it makes the decision all the more special.

In order to make this work, you’ll need to let the past be the past. While it’s
impossible to pretend that your previous relationship together never
existed, you must try to leave the negative baggage behind.

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Re-Establishing Contact

I’m going to assume that during this period of healing and self-
improvement, your ex has not been contacting you. You’ve been out of
touch with each other. And now, you’ve made the decision that you do want
to give the relationship another try.

So how do you reach out to him?

How should you make the first move?

Before you do this, ask yourself two questions. And if you’ve already asked
yourself these questions, do it one more time and be completely honest
with yourself:

Do you truly love this guy and believe he’s the right man for you to commit
to—or are you just bored, or sick of being single?

Don’t try to re-start the relationship unless you’re positive you’re still into
him (and for the right reasons, not just because all the new guys you’re
meeting are even worse than he is).

Second, ask yourself this: was your past relationship with him healthy? It’s
much easier to recall all of the great things about a guy than to reflect on
the bad stuff, like how you fought all the time, or how lazy and unmotivated
he was.

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You should assume he hasn’t improved in his bad areas since the breakup.
In fact, his bad habits—partying too much, not picking up after himself,
sleeping around, etc—may have gotten worse without having you present
in his life.

Only if your answers to both of these questions are “yes” should you go
ahead and reach out to him.

And here are a few more questions to consider. If the answers to any of
these questions are “yes,” you’re probably not ready to try to re-start the
relationship.

• Are you still having trouble eating, sleeping or working because

you’re always thinking about your ex boyfriend?

• Are you constantly checking your phone, email or Facebook to see if

he’s tried to contact you?

• Do you still have strong feelings of anger or resentment towards him?

• Is there a chance that you’ll emotionally “lose it” if you contact your ex
boyfriend, and he doesn’t want to speak to you?

Again, if you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you might need a
bit more time before you contact him. You’re still emotionally vulnerable.

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If you approach him in this state, it will be obvious to him that you’re not
“over” the breakup and your goal is to try to get back together with him.
(Even though this is true, you don’t want him to know this.)

How To Contact Him

I recommend two methods of resuming contact with him: through

Facebook, or texting him on your phone. (I realize there are other “social”
sites besides Facebook, but let’s face it, Facebook is the site we all use
these days.)

These two methods allow you to “gauge the temperature” and feel him out.
You can contact him in a way that seems low-key and casual, and you’re
allowing him time to respond—so that when he does respond, you’ll be
able to get a sense of how he’s feeling towards you, and whether he might
be missing you (or would rather not hear from you at this time).

If you call his phone and he doesn’t answer, you’re probably going to
assume he saw your number and chose to ignore it, which is going to
irritate you (whether he actually saw your phone call or not). And if you call
him and he does answer, you might be catching him off-guard, or
distracting him while he’s in the middle of something. You’re going to be
irked if he doesn’t make time to chat with you, or doesn’t sound pleased to
hear from you—when in fact, he might have his hands full with something
the moment (or might not even have a working cell phone or internet
connection at this time!).

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The bottom line is, the chances of you calling him out of the blue and
catching him at a time when he’s completely freed up and in the mood to
chat, are not very good.

And let’s face it—jumping on a phone call with your ex, after spending this
much time out of contact, is nerve-wracking! Your emotions can easily get
the better of you. You might blurt out things you didn’t plan on saying, or he
might sense your nervousness and think you must be desperate to get
back with him. This doesn’t send the right message.

And this is why a cleverly written Facebook message (or text message) is
much more likely to get a response from him, and open the door towards a
possible reconciliation.

The rules here are simple:

• Be upbeat and friendly.

• Keep it lighthearted. Stick with fun topics—nothing sad or involving a
problem you are having.
• Tell him (or show him) something that reminds him of the connection
you used to share with him.
• YOU be the one to end the interaction.

One effective method is to way to start this off is to send him a message
that triggers a positive memory in his mind. For example, make him recall a
special place or activity that the two of you used to enjoy together.

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Examples:

“Hi, I just grabbed some sushi at that amazing restaurant on Highland Ave.
Made me think of the time we went there with your sisters. Hope you’re
well.”

(That one is especially powerful because it reminds him of the fact that you
know his family—in other words, you’ve got a connection with him that runs
much deeper than any other women he’s been hanging out with lately.)

“Hey, I just ran into Jeff and Nina. They say hello. Remember that crazy
fun weekend we all spent in New York?”

Another method is to send him something funny or random that you know
will make him smile, like a hilarious picture or YouTube video. (Surf your
friend’s profiles on Facebook, and you might come up with something
amusing to share with him.) You know his sense of humor. You know his
interests. You can include a subject header (if you’re using Facebook) or a
line in your text message that says something like:

“Hey, I thought you’d get a kick out of this. Hope you’re well J”

If he sends a prompt, friendly reply to your message, that’s a very good

sign. But it’s not time yet for you to get into an extended chat with him. If he
tries to open up a conversation, give a short, friendly reply and end the
conversation for now.

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Tell him you have to run. Or that you’re getting into a taxi. Or that you’re at
the check-out counter at the grocery store. Or that you have to get back to
work. Give a quick reason why you aren’t available to chat. You need to be
the one who ends the interaction.

Or, you can trigger his curiosity—and stir up a bit of jealousy—by sending a
Facebook chat message or text message that subtly implies that you’re on
a date. You’re not coming out and TELLING him that you were on a hot
date. You’re planting a seed of an idea in his head, and letting his
imagination fill in the rest.

Example:

YOU: Hey, quick random question…have you seen the new Sylvester
Stallone movie? I know you’re a huge Sly fan...
HIM: I saw it. It’s great. How have you been?
HER: Doing really well. I guess we’ll see that movie tonight then. We going
to grab a bite to eat first…thanks, hope you’re doing great J

If you receive a positive response to your first message (as in the examples
above), the door is now open. If he’s missing you, he might call or email
you within the next 24 hours to suggest meeting up. If he does, and you’re
ready to take this step, you should choose the time and place. Pick a
location that you’ve been to before, and that you know will be casual and
comfortable, and not crowded or noisy. Cafes and coffee shops are often
best.

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If he doesn’t suggest getting together, and you’re ready to take this step,
then you can send him a message to propose meeting up. The key here is
to give a reason why you want to see him, and again, you need to keep it
sounding lighthearted and fun.

You might also tell him you want to tell him you want to share some “good
news” with him—and then leave him in suspense about what the news is.
Or mention that the “craziest thing happened to the other day, you’re going
to laugh when I tell you…”

As for what this “fun stuff,” “good news” or “crazy thing” is, it doesn’t need
to anything super important. It can be something positive that’s been going
on with you lately. Maybe you joined some type of new class, or you picked
up a new hobby. Perhaps you’re working on an exciting new project at your
job (or contemplating a career switch)…one of your mutual friends could
have shared some good news with you, or something happened with a
couple you both used to know…really, it can be anything.

It isn’t a topic you’re going to dwell on when you meet up with him. The only
reason you’re mentioning it in the message is to create a reason to get
together with him and build a bit of anticipation.

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Example:

YOU: Want to grab a bite to eat on Saturday? Got some really funny news
to tell you.
HIM: Sure ok, what do you want to tell me?
YOU: I’ll fill you in on Saturday. See you at Tribeca Café at 2pm, k?
HIM: OK…
YOU: Great, I gotta run. See you then.

The way you phrase this is important. Don’t tell him that you want to “talk.”
That sounds too serious. He might dread the idea of meeting up with you
and getting involved in another argument about the problems you had in
your relationship. You want to sound upbeat, positive and casual.

You’ve probably got a good idea of what his schedule is like. Suggest a
time and location that is likely to work for him.

If he tells you he’s busy that day, suggest another time. If he puts up
resistance and you get the sense that he’s avoiding meeting up with you,
don’t act offended. Exit gracefully. Give him more time. Wait a week, and
then send A) an initial text, that triggers a positive memory, and B) a text to
suggest meeting up.

The mode of communication you use to contact him is up to you. Some

people handle a lot of their day-to-day chatting on Facebook. Others prefer
texting. And if you’re not that comfortable with either of those, you can do it
it the old-fashioned way and give him a call.
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Personally, I like texting because it’s a form of communication that I’m very
comfortable with, and it allows me to compose my thoughts and say exactly
what I want to say. But feel free to ring him, if you want. It’s up to you.
If your ex doesn’t contact you after that initial message then go ahead and
text him again, a day or two later, and suggest getting together.

And don’t take it personally if he doesn’t reply to your message promptly.

He could be busy with a million different things. You just don’t know.

Maybe he didn’t get right back to you because…

• He’s having a stressful day

• He has no phone reception or Internet connection at this time (hey,
technical glitches happen!)
• He’s dealing with a problem within his family
• He’s got the flu, and he’s in bed and not answering his messages

There could be any number of other reasons. Like I said, you really don’t
have any idea, so never panic or feel offended if someone doesn’t shoot a
reply right back to you. In this post-breakup period, people put themselves
through all kinds of unnecessary emotional trauma simply because they
didn’t get a reply to a silly text message!

For Long Distance Relationships: Clearly, you can’t send him a casual
message about grabbing a bite to eat next weekend if you don’t live
anywhere near your ex. I wouldn’t advise you to travel a great distance just
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to have one of these “casual” meetups with your ex, in the hopes that they’ll
realize they want to get back together with you. (“Hey, it just so happens
I’m flying to your city next Saturday! I’ve got some fun news to tell you, let’s
grab coffee!”) The only exception to this would be if you have a legitimate
“other reason” to visit where he lives (i.e. you used to travel there for
business).

In the case of long-distance relationships, I suggest you sort things out with
him over the phone, or through emailing and instant messaging, and
establish that you are both interested in getting back together before you
arrange a meetup. Follow the “rules of contact” I explained earlier. A few
friendly back-and-forth emails or Facebook messages can lead to longer
chats.

Just don’t give him the sense that you’re completely available to talk to him
all the time. Remember how we talked about “Push-Pull” earlier. Humans
are wired to want what they don’t have, and men especially love a
challenge.

If you do reach a mutual decision to give things another try, then by all
means, take a trip to see him—or invite him to come see you. You should
be in for a fun reunion at that point.

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Meeting Up

Assuming you’re not trying to patch up a long-distance relationship, you’ve

got to handle the first post-breakup meeting the right way because you
haven’t spoken to each other about the possibility of getting back together.
This is a delicate situation if you’ve been out of contact with your ex for a
while.

This is particularly true if the circumstances behind your breakup were ugly.
But even if you had a “clean break” without much drama, meeting up again
can still be awkward.

If you haven’t talked since your breakup, that means the last time you were
together, you were still…well, together. Now, it has been some time, you
both have been apart, and things are totally different. Are you strangers?
Are you friends? What are you, exactly?
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The awkwardness (or at least, the expectation of awkwardness) will make

you a bit nervous. It’s not really like going on a first date, because there is a
weird mix of familiarity with your ex, yet uncertainty about who he is now, or
more specifically, who he is to you. When you meet, it may feel a bit like
meeting someone who you had a relationship with in an alternate reality
somewhere. It’s a bit of a strange experience for many people.

A few pointers on this first “post breakup” meetup:

Dress to kill.

Wear something sexy but not too revealing. You may know of a certain
style or “look” that your ex used to love on you. Maybe it was a particular
type of outfit. Maybe it was a hair style. When you show up to meet him,
you should sport the look that you know he loves. You might also wear a
perfume you know he used to love.

When you greet him, give him a hug.

No handshakes. This will erase a lot of the awkwardness and tension right
off the bat. And smile. Remember: positive and upbeat. You should give
him every indication that your life has been going awesome.

If the subject of the breakup comes up (you should never bring it up, but he
might), just remind him that you’ve accepted it, and you aren’t dwelling on
it. Tell him that you’re focused on the present.
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This is a strong signal to him that you’ve changed during your time away
from him—you’ve become more confident, and you’ve got a life apart from
being in a relationship.

If he insists on talking about the relationship, it’s your job to LISTEN. He

may have been waiting for this meetup to express some things that he
never said when you were together. But whatever direction he takes the
conversation, don’t get drawn into an argument.

If he starts trying to explain his decision to break up with you, tell him that
you appreciate the way he feels. Don’t get defensive. Look at this as an
opportunity for you to see things from his perspective, and to make him
appreciate you as a sensible, mature, understanding person who has
changed and improved since the last time he saw you.

How To Pass A Test He Might Spring On You…

Now, I do need you to prepare you for one unpleasant possibility: he might
tell you that he’s now in a relationship with someone else, or that he has
started dating someone. Look at this as a test.

He might be feeling you out to see how you’ll react. (It’s doubtful that he
actually fell in love over the last 30 days.) This means you shouldn’t look
away, frown, or start fidgeting. Keep eye contact, and act like you’re happy
for him.

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Remember, up until now, you haven’t given him an indication that you want
to get back together with him. You’ve framed this as a casual, friendly
meetup.

And know that even if he really is dating someone else, it doesn’t mean he
doesn’t still have feelings for you. If this meetup goes well otherwise, he
could always decide to break things off with the “new woman” to put his
focus back on you.

Keep the spotlight on HIM.

Ask him how he’s been doing, and bring up topics that he’ll enjoy
discussing—ask him about his work, his friends, family, etc. By doing this,
you’re showing interest in him and his world, and you’re also reminding him
of the closeness the two of you share.

You know the people and things in his life that matter to him. This gives you
a huge built-in advantage over any new woman who comes into his life.

Keep the meetup brief—less than one hour.

Remember the old rule of showbiz: “Leave ‘em wanting more.” You should
be the one who gracefully ends this meetup, by telling him you’ve got
somewhere to be, you need to get home because you’ve got to be up early
tomorrow, etc. You never want to drag it out the point where he checks his
watch and tells you he needs to get going.
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Expect HIM to want to see YOU again.

Don’t suggest meeting up again. Let him make the first move. And if he
does suggest getting together again soon, you can playfully tease him.

Tell him, “Hmmm, I’ll have to think about it. Maybe if you’re good.” Or,
“We’ll see, my schedule is super busy this week…call me and we’ll see if
we can figure something out.”

How To Make Him Think Getting Back Together Is 100% His Idea

If he’s showing signs that he wants you back, you need to make him work
for it a little. Men love the thrill of the chase! Be confident that he’ll make
the next move and contact you to see you again. If he doesn’t, send him a
message on Facebook, or a text message, that prompts him to respond.

In this message, reference something that the two of you used to enjoy
when you were together. For example, my friend Emily used to have a
Wednesday night ritual with her boyfriend Sean where they’d watch their
favorite sitcom (Modern Family) and order Chinese food. They went
through a breakup, and when she re-established contact with him, she
posted a message on his Facebook wall that said:

“Last night’s episode of Modern Family was the funniest EVER (and the
steamed dumplings were excellent as always). Hope you’re well J”

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You might mention a mutual friend: “Have you seen our friend Jeff lately? I
ran into him at Murphy’s Pub the other night, he’s got a new girlfriend. She
seems really sweet.”

“I’m thinking about going to Las Vegas next weekend with some friends.
Remember our crazy Vegas weekend, when we danced at the club all night
and played slot machines until the sun came up?”

The idea here is to remind him of the people and things you both used to
share in your lives. If you can also give him the sense that you’ve been out
socializing and enjoying yourself, even better.

Also remember that playful teasing is one of the keys to attracting (or re-
attracting) a man. Playing a little bit “hard to get’ can have a powerful effect.

If your meetup goes well and he suggests meeting up again on Tuesday

night, tell him you’ve already for plans on Tuesday but you’ll contact him
later in the week to figure something out.

You might be amazed by how quickly a man will shift into “pursuit mode”
when you make him jump through a hoop or two to spend time with you.

Ideally, you will find your old chemistry within a short amount of time. You’ll
probably feel good just to be in one another’s company. However, it’s
important not to get caught up in nostalgia (more on that in a moment).
Remember that you’re both better off if you make this second try more like
a first try.
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You don’t have to rush things. Taking a casual, natural approach is best. If
things move somewhat quickly, it’s not necessarily bad…as long as that is
what you both want. Think about how you want things to go before you
actually meet, and stick to your decision no matter how the meeting goes.
You don’t want to leave the your first post-breakup meetup feeling like you
made a mistake by taking things too fast.

Besides, moving too fast can lead to a disappointing relationship, anyway.

You need to go at least somewhat slow to ensure that you don’t simply
continue your last attempt at a relationship with your ex.

While you can certainly talk about the past, you should make it clear (if the
subject of giving things another try comes up) that you do not want to live in
the past, nor rehash everything that happened before.

Make it clear that while you want to avoid the things that bothered each of
you before, you want to learn from those mistakes, not dwell on them, or
use them as fodder for yet another crop of useless arguments.

Other Things To Avoid

We’ve talked a bit about certain things that you should try to avoid when
meeting up the first few times with your ex, but I think they should be
mentioned again here, to avoid any confusion. Also, this gives me the
chance to share some sound reasons as to why you shouldn’t do these
things. I’m a strong believer that people are not going to want to take your

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advice if your only reasoning is “because I said so.” Logical, intelligent

people want to know why they are supposed to do something, right?

So here are some things you should avoid doing when you meet up with
your ex to possibly give it another try:

• Really try to avoid rushing into things.

There are a couple of reasons for this. For one, you really shouldn’t be
in any hurry. You may miss your ex, but if you’ve done things the right
way and stayed away for a while, what’s the problem with waiting a little
longer?

If you were the reason for (or the initiator of) the breakup, you will want
to ensure that things go right this time, so that you don’t feel tempted to
call it quits again.

If he was the reason for (or the initiator of) the breakup, you’ll want to
take it slow to make sure that whatever issues he had are in the past,
that he has learned to value you the way that he should, and that he
really wants to be with you again. If you rush into things, you may not
get a proper gauge for all of this.

Most of all, though, rushing back into a relationship with your ex makes it
way too easy for both of you to fall back into the same patterns. This is
not what you want. This is all about a new beginning with your ex.

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I have to trust your intuition here. If you’ve done things as you should
have up to this point, is there any reason to take it slow even if you feel
ready, and he feels ready, to give it another try? No, and I can’t force
you to, either.

However, I must urge you once again to think about your reasons for
quickly going from meet-up to dating exclusively again: is it simple
impatience? Because that’s not a good reason.

• Don’t meet at a place where the two of you have a lot of history.

The location of your first date, the restaurant you used to go to on date
nights, or one of your homes are not good spots for the first meeting.

To elaborate further, remember that if you want to make this a new,

improved relationship rather than a continuation of the older, broken
one, you must make a fresh start. Symbolically, that starts with not using
one of your old favorite places as a crutch.

I certainly won’t tell you to forget all of your old memories. In fact, if
things go well for you (and I hope they do!), your prior relationship and
even the breakup will be both be a part of the story of your relationship,
and important parts, at that.

Furthermore, it’s immature and unnecessary to intentionally “forget”

good memories you had with someone (whether you stay with them
long-term or not) simply because things did not end up going your way.
You don’t want to cleanse your brain of memories just to avoid pain, or
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out of fear for repeating them (as in the great film Eternal Sunshine of
the Spotless Mind).

Instead, you and your ex will find a happy medium for those old
memories in time.

• Make sure you and your ex are on the same page about this new
relationship you’re entering into with each other.

All of this talk of a “fresh start” and a clean, clear outlook on the new
relationship is completely useless if you are not on the same page with
him.

This is why before you officially (or otherwise) begin dating your ex
again, you’ll need to make it clear to him that you want something new
with him and not just a continuation (or even a sequel) of the old days.

You’ll want him to agree to this outlook on your new relationship, so that
you both make a conscious decision to make this relationship more
successful than the last one.

• Don’t put off talking about important issues.

As much as I want you to focus on the future and set the past aside, this
isn’t always practical when getting back together with an ex. Depending
on the circumstances of your breakup, you may have some very real
issues that need to be dealt with before you can truly start over again
with him.

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If your ex cheated on you, this was a serious violation of trust that needs
to be addressed. In this situation, you have to be honest with him that a)
you might still be having trouble forgiving him, and b) you might have
trouble trusting him.

These difficulties will impair your new relationship from the start if you
don’t get them worked out now. Even if cheating was not involved, you
will have to talk about anything from the past that truly continues to
bother you. Get it out in the open and get it over with. (I’ll go over more
specifics of how to handle these situations in Step 5.)

However, there is one situation in which you should not attempt to get
over the past…

• Don’t get back together with someone who was abusive to you.

I’m taking a hardline stance on this one. If a man was emotionally,

verbally or physically abusive to you, I strongly urge you to NOT get
back together with him.

He might try to convince you that he will never do it again.

He might say that he has changed.

He might even cry, plead, or beg, while pulling at your heartstrings.

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You have to stay strong, take responsibility for your own well-being and
future, and say no. I say this as a person who has seen and heard of
these situations literally hundreds of times.

I know what you’re thinking: “He made a mistake! Am I supposed to

condemn him to a lifetime alone because he lost his temper a few
times?”

No, you’re not supposed to. However, that isn’t what you’re doing, is it?
You’re not telling him, “You must be alone forever!” and banishing him to
some bottomless pit somewhere like an evil wizard. You are simply
telling him that he cannot be with YOU.

There are millions of other women out there. Many of them will be willing
to give him a chance. However, once someone has abused you
physically, verbally, and/or emotionally, they have used up that chance
with you.

Can he change? Perhaps he can, with a different person and after some
serious effort, soul-searching, and counseling.

However, the chance that he will be able to change with you is nearly
impossible. Once you’ve been in an abusive relationship with someone,
you can’t ever really have a fresh start with them.

It’s just not worth the risk. No man will ever look at you and say honestly,
“If we get back together, I might hit you or threaten your life again.” That
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doesn’t happen. Every guy who is abusive to a girlfriend or wife says the
same things (“I’ll never do it again!” “I’ll change!” “Please give me one
more chance!”)

While I could never say that there is a 100% chance he will abuse you
again in the future, I can say with absolute certainty that there is a 0%
chance he will abuse you again if you do the right thing and meet
someone new instead. Take it from someone who has been there
before.

So, once you’ve gotten past those first few meetings and started to settle
into a new relationship with your ex, how do you make sure not to fall into
the same bad habits as before?

What if you mess up with some of the “Things To Avoid” we just talked
about, and need to get back on track? Furthermore, what if you don’t end
up with your ex, but instead start dating someone completely new?

All of this is covered in our final step toward getting over that awful
breakup! We’re almost done with this journey.

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Step 5: Making It Better

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We must always strive for better in our lives.

More than anything else—more than getting back with your ex, more than
hitting the “reset” button and starting fresh with him—that’s what this book
is about. It’s about improving yourself, improving your relationships,
improving your life, and ultimately being happy that you did those things.

Therefore, now that we’ve dealt with the many other issues that arise from
a breakup, I think it’s important that we figure out how to move on and
move forward, once and for all.

Let’s think back on some of the things we’ve done together during this
journey.

We’ve dealt with the initial shock of a difficult breakup.

We’ve worked through—not tried to ignore—all of the sadness, and all of

those other difficult emotions that come from such an event. We’ve learned
coping mechanisms, as well as ways to express some of those emotions
rather than keeping them bottled up inside.

We’ve learned how to use a bad situation to get positive results.

We’ve spent time thinking about who we truly want to be, and how we can
get there. We’ve reflected thoughtfully on times that we have sacrificed too
much of ourselves to hold onto relationships that aren’t working, and most
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importantly, we’ve promised ourselves that we won’t go down that same

road again.

We’ve learned all over again why we value our friends so much, and
we have put effort into revitalizing those friendships.

In some cases, we’ve reconnected with people we may have pushed away
during an ill-fated relationship. We’ve finally learned to put ourselves first,
and to allow ourselves to be happy whether or not we are in a relationship.
We’ve decided to become better, more well-rounded women.

We’ve also thought about our past relationships—not to dwell on them or

mope over their outcomes, but to ensure that our future relationships don’t
become re-runs of the same problems. And we’ve ensured that, by looking
deeply into our pasts, we will no longer sabotage our future.

Finally, we’ve thought carefully about whether or not we should be with our
exes again. You may have decided that you want to be with your ex after
all; or, during the time you spent away from him, you might have come to
the realization that you deserve more for yourself.

Either way, you didn’t base this decision purely on past memories, old
emotions, and your current vulnerabilities. Instead, you based it on your
new perspective as a strong, independent, clear-minded woman.

Now it’s time to take the final step—although I hope that you’ll continue
using some of these previous steps throughout the rest of your life.
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Hitting The Reset Button

Hopefully by now I’ve made it clear how vital it is to get a truly fresh start
with your ex. We refer to this as “hitting the reset button.” What you had
before, no matter how fun or romantic or wonderful it was at times,
ultimately did not work out. That’s why you want this next attempt at a
relationship with him to truly feel new.

Now, I should point out that you obviously can never start completely fresh
with someone you were once in a serious relationship with. After you get
back together with him, you will fall back into some of those comfortable,
familiar rituals and habits, and that’s okay. However, this is also a fantastic
opportunity for you to try some new things, and introduce some new
favorite things for you both to do and enjoy.

Mainly, what we want to do is move on from the things that happened in the
past that hurt us. We want to let go of the baggage of that past breakup—
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because if you don’t let it go, your new relationship can quickly deteriorate
into nasty finger-pointing, accusations, and fights over old problems that
were never fully resolved.

There’s nothing wrong with discussing the issues that you had with him in
your previous relationship. However, it should be noted that just as there is
a big difference between acknowledging your pain and wallowing in it, there
is a big difference between dealing with old issues and dwelling on them.

The purpose of bringing up old problems should be to deal with them, put
them to bed, and prevent them from happening again. It should never be
done to assign blame, make the other person feel guilty, or to “win” an
argument. It’s all too easy to do this kind of thing.

I remember having lunch with my friends Tony and Jane, who had patched
things up after being broken up for a month. Jane was showing me some
pictures on her phone from a birthday party she’d gone to last night. (Tony
worked at night, so she’d gone without him.) Tony got upset when he saw a
picture of her posing with a group of party goers.

Tony - “Hey, isn’t that the guy you went on a date with after we broke up?
You didn’t tell me he was going to be at the party!”

Jane - “I didn’t know he was going to be there! Besides, what reason do

you have not to trust me? I never cheated during our relationship, the way
you did with that slut Christine…”

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This led to an embarrassing public argument in the middle of the

restaurant, and a short time after that, Tony and Jane were broken up.
Again.

It was true that Tony had cheated on her (over a year ago), but every time
they argued, she always found a way to bring “that slut Christine” into the
discussion.

It can be very easy to bring up someone’s past screw-ups when it seems

like it can give you the upper hand in an argument. You will inevitably have
disagreements with your man once you have gotten back together, as no
relationship is perfect.

However, you may need to get over the idea that arguments are something
to be “won.” A common mistake that people (let’s face it, often men) make
is thinking that an argument is a competition. This allows the argument to
stop being what it was originally about, and become about something much
bigger, and often uglier.

When you have a disagreement, focus on that particular disagreement and

not on anything else. If your boyfriend borrows your car and forgets to put
gas in it, which means you have to stop the next day and fuel up when
you’re already running late for work, you don’t have to make the argument
about how he is irresponsible, forgetful, or “never appreciates the things
you do for him.”

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Instead, make it about what actually happened—he forgot to put gas in the
car, and it affected you negatively. You just want him to not make that
mistake again, right? You don’t want him to feel awful about 10 other things
that are in the past (or at least, you shouldn’t want him to feel this way).

If you’re not someone who looks at arguments as a competition, you’re

already ahead of most people. I’ve been guilty of this myself in the past,
and most people make this mistake at times.

This is a potentially huge problem, as it allows you to turn small debates or

disagreements into fights where you say hurtful things to each other, while
drudging up old problems and issues.

While we’re on the subject, another good tip for handling arguments is to
control not only the volume of your voice, but the way you phrase your
complaints. For example, you might say to him in a moment of anger, “You
never appreciate all the things I do for you!”

It’s easy to exaggerate and use dramatic words like “never,” “always,” etc.
However, these words are rarely accurate. Furthermore, this type of
exaggeration puts the other person squarely on the defensive and makes
them want to do the same thing, which escalates the argument. If what he
did was bad enough to complain about, there should be no need to
exaggerate, right?

Ultimately, the things you have learned from this book should help you to
have a more successful relationship this time around. You’ve improved
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yourself, you’ve learned to take time out to make yourself happy, and
you’ve learned to forgive (though you will likely never completely forget)
past transgressions, or things your boyfriend did to hurt you in the past.
Hopefully, he’s done some of these same things, too.

However, it’s important to note that you can only control what you do. In
other words, if your man isn’t willing to meet you halfway on some of these
things, you may not be able to have a successful relationship with him even
after taking time off to reflect, work on your own life, and develop a new
focus toward a healthier relationship with him. In these cases, you will
eventually end up right back where you started: broken up.

Speaking To The “Masculine Side” Of His Mind

We haven’t talked much about sex up until this point, but let’s face it: it’s a
huge part of maintaining a healthy relationship, and one of the most

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powerful ways to “hook” a man and keep him bonded to you—emotionally

and physically—is to be the most wonderful sex partner he’s ever had.

I’ve talked to enough guys about sex and relationships to know this: most
women are boring and selfish in bed. On top of that, most women don’t fully
understand how important sex is to men. They denigrate men for having
high sex drives. They say things like “men are all dogs” and act as if there’s
something shallow or perverted about guys who want a lot of sex.

But this is how men are hard-wired. The need to have sex is why men build
empires and businesses. Every major technological advancement since the
dawn of mankind has been fueled by the male need to get access to more
sex. (It’s been the reason behind wars, too.)

Now I’m not saying that all of the great inventors, moguls, politicians and
conquerors throughout history were consciously driven by their libidos. But
subconsciously, this is how men are programmed. The main reason why
they strive to succeed is that their genetic programming tells them it will
give them more “sexual access.”

This is also not to say that successful, high-powered men necessarily use
their status to sleep with lots of women. Deep-down, most guys don’t aspire
to be playboys. They want to settle down with that one amazing woman
and raise a family.

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Most of the guys I know who have great jobs or impressive

accomplishments are in committed relationships. But their sex drive, which
lies deep within their “lizard brains,” still fuels their need to succeed.

And this is why most normal, healthy guys have a very strong need to have
sex on a regular basis. (As for the definition of “regular,” it depends on the
guy; some are happy with having sex once a week, while others want it
every day.)

You also need to understand that men have a deep want, and need, to be
appreciated sexually. The majority of a man’s sexual pleasure comes from
knowing that he’s giving YOU pleasure.

A lot of women don’t realize this, or simply don’t care. It’s not enough to
“allow” him to have sex with you whenever he wants; in order to make a
man truly satisfied and feel emotionally bonded to you, you need to make
him feel that he has completely and utterly satisfied you. That he knows
how to drive you wild like no other man ever will. (Hopefully, this doesn’t
require you to do an acting job in bed. It should be for real!)

This is why you’ve got to be proactive about having the best sex life
possible with your man. It’s one of the keys to taking proper care of him,
and your relationship. Make him feel like he’s the only man who knows how
to send you over the moon.

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Have fun with him in the bedroom. Encourage him to unleash his “inner
cave man.” Nothing is more gratifying to a man’s ego than feeling like he’s
“ravaged” a woman and satisfied to her to the point of total exhaustion.

You should also be initiating the sex sometimes. (One of the biggest
complaints married men have about their relationships is that their wives
never initiate sex.) It’s not enough for you to put on red lipstick and slip into
a sexy negligee, because if he pounces on you, he’s still the one initiating it
in his mind. Start touching him (in the places he likes), plant a kiss on him,
and go for it!

Be direct. Be spontaneous, too. Plant a passionate kiss on him when he

least expects it. Grope him. Initiate sex with him at an unexpected time
(during the day is always great), and you’ll put a smile on his face that can
last for days.
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“The best kind of sex with my girlfriend is the unplanned sex,” one of my
guy friends once told me.

Variety is important, too. Couples who have been together for a while often
settle into a predictable sexual routine: a few minutes of foreplay (or none
whatsoever), and then the same ol’ missionary position. Spice it up. Initiate
some new positions. Tell him you want to try some new things.

Now here’s the problem that a lot of couples run into. If you aren’t putting
forth much effort to keep him happy in the bedroom, and he’s bored with
the sex, he probably won’t tell you. He’s afraid of what your reaction will be.
(You’ll probably be deeply offended, and he’ll feel embarrassed for
seeming like a horndog.)

So a lot of guys keep this complaint to themselves, and the relationship

sputters along like a car with two flat tires. He loses interest in having sex
with her, she feels rejected and neglected, and both people suffer in
silence.

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Making Him More Passionate and “Into You” Than Ever Before

To make him feel fully satisfied, to make him feel like the MAN he was put
on this earth to be, you need to embrace your own sexuality. Let go of your
insecurities. Make him feel like he turns you on so much you can’t control
yourself. Have fun. Go wild.

Send him a sexy text message and tell him you can’t wait until he gets
home so the two of you can take a bubble bath and do naughty things. And
initiate sex sometimes when he’s not expecting it. Do this, and you’ll blow
his mind (and his married friends will be incredibly jealous).

How To Make Him Fantasize About You And Miss You

Here’s the key thing to understand if you want to make him fantasize about
you and miss you: Men want to be wanted. They want to be desired. If he’s

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been working out, compliment him on how hot his body looks. (You can
compliment him on other body parts, too—use your imagination!)

Tell him how sexy you think he is, and how much you love when he does a
certain thing in the bedroom. This kind of talk skyrockets his self esteem
and makes him want to please you even more.

And please, don’t ever use sex as a bargaining chip to get what you want. I
know women who withhold sex from their boyfriends or husbands in order
to make them agree to their requests. (Usually this means making a
purchase of some type.) Then, if he does what she wants, she’ll “reward”
him with sex as way of conditioning him to grant her requests.

So make sex a regular priority. Make sure he’s getting enough from you on
a regular basis. Make him feel desired. Make him feel like he’s the only guy
on earth who knows exactly how to push your buttons and rock your world.

He’ll adore you for it, and feel bonded to you in a very deep, powerful way
that no other woman can compete with.

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More Tips On Re-Building Your Relationship With A Rock-Solid

Foundation, And Making It Feel Brand New

• Try to look at the situation from his point of view. By breaking up with
you, he was telling you that he felt he’d be better off without you in his
life. Now that you’re giving it another try, you’ll want to show him that
his life is richer, happier, more fun and more rewarding with you in it.

• You might not share all of the same needs in this relationship, but
fundamentally, we’re all the same—both of you want affection, to be
desired, supported, and happy. When problems arise, remember
these basics needs that you both share.

• Don’t try to rush things. If he was feeling suffocated in your past

relationship (and this is one of the most common complaints of men
who break up with women), be respectful of this. When you have a

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life outside of the relationship, he’ll respect you more, and be more
appreciative of the time you spend together.

• If he wants to express his feelings, take the time to listen and

acknowledge how he feels. Work on being less confrontational and
becoming a better listener.

• Try new things with your man. Suggest new places to go, new
activities to try, new places to enjoy on “date nights.” (And don’t forget
what I said about giving him the sex he needs!) Don’t allow your
relationship to settle into a dull, predictable routine. This is when
complacency sets in, and you may begin to take each other for
granted.

• Don’t just be his lover. Be his best friend. Show him (don’t tell him)
that you’re there for him, through good times and bad.

• We all have different ways of showing love, and ways we want our
partners to show their love to us. Some people need to hear it. Others
need a lot of physical affection. And some people want to see small
but meaningful gestures that demonstrate that their lover cares about
them, and their well-being. A sweet text message…a delicious home-
cooked meal…a cute little note that you leave somewhere for him to
find, that tells him how much you mean to him.

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Show him more love, and show it in different ways. As simple as it

sounds, the best way to win a person’s love and devotion is to love
them.

And If Things Just Don’t Work Out...

The only thing worse than experiencing an awful breakup is getting back
with your ex, only to have it end soon after that with another meltdown.

But if this does happen, the breakup should be easier for you to handle this
time around. Here are a few things that are working in your favor if you find
yourself in this situation:

• You’ve been through this before. Breaking up sucks, but you now
have the confidence of knowing that not only have you gone through
a breakup with this person in the past, but that you came out of it
okay—and hopefully even better than before. You can look past this
temporary pain to know with 100% certainty that things will get better
for you.
• It allows you to “close the door.” After your first breakup (or your
latest one before reading this book), you may have thought it over
and decided that it was worth another shot. Maybe you learned
something through this book that you thought could make a
difference.

Maybe your ex seemed like he had changed. Or maybe something

else made you give it another shot. In any case, after another honest

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attempt that ends in another breakup, you should be ready to admit

that it’s time to move on.

• You know how to be on your own. If you didn’t immediately rebound

from your ex to someone else (or back to your ex, for that matter),
you should have learned that yes, you can actually be alone.

The sun will still come up in the morning, your heart will not stop
beating, and the world will not come to an end if you aren’t
romantically attached. In fact, you may have found after being with
your ex for a short while that you actually preferred being single. If so,
there’s nothing wrong with that—so don’t beat yourself up over it.

If the most recent breakup was your idea, you probably aren’t going
through the anguish you would have felt if you were the one who got
rejected. You may be disappointed or saddened, especially since this
breakup will likely have a sense of finality to it that the previous one(s) did
not, but you’ve probably already faced the fact that your future still holds a
lot of promise.

If the breakup wasn’t your idea, you may be feeling a lot of things. You may
be angry for giving the relationship one more try. You may even feel stupid,
as if you fell for a trick that somehow proved you are gullible.

You must resist the urge to feel this way. It’s hard to be completely logical
when it comes to your heart. Though you may now be able to see that the
relationship was doomed from the start, remember that hindsight is always
20/20, and there is no shame in trying something to see if it will work, as

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long as you weren’t ignoring obvious warning signs to pursue something

that you knew deep down wasn’t good for you.

The important thing at this stage, no matter what the circumstances of the
most recent breakup were, is to put the principles that you learned earlier in
this book back into practice. Hopefully you’ve realized that putting yourself
first now and then, giving yourself permission to be yourself, and being
happy with or without a relationship are not things you resort to only when
you are single, but principles that should always be a part of your life.

Better Relationships, A Better You

You should look at relationships as a coming together of two people, both

of whom have their own strengths, weaknesses, fears, shortcomings, and
hang-ups.

Whether you’re in a relationship or not, you should be focused on being the

best “you” that you can be. If you aren’t able to do that, what can you offer
to someone else? How can a healthy relationship be built upon one or two
unhealthy people? It’s kind of like that old cliché, “If you can’t love yourself,
how can you love someone else?”

When you commit to becoming a better person, all of your relationships will
benefit. If you choose to have children one day (or if you already do), they
will have a better role model to look up to. They will see someone in a
healthy relationship and aspire to have the same thing. And they will know

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what a strong woman is! Furthermore, you’ll be more able to devote time,
attention, and affection to them when you are a healthy, happy person.

Find this balance in your life, and your friends will enjoy being around you
more. You’ll be able to repay the kindness that many of them have no
doubt given you by being there for them in their times of need.

Furthermore, as someone who has been through a tough breakup and

used the experience to improve not only yourself but your future
relationships, you will be able to help them do the same.

Following these guidelines will help you in every aspect of your life: your
professional life, your friendships, your family life, and of course, your love
life.

The bottom line is, in order to have better relationships, you need to
become a better you.

Conclusion

Let me begin by saying that I feel absolutely privileged to have gone

through what must have been a tough time with you. You may not have
agreed with everything that I had to say in this book, and you may still
disagree with some of it, but I say with sincerity that even if one or two
things I said helped you to re-form a happy relationship with your ex,
become a better woman, or have a healthy relationship with someone new,
it makes me very pleased.

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Women are stronger than they know!

Don’t buy into the antiquated old stereotypes about women being the
“weaker sex.” While you shouldn’t ignore the differences between men and
women, as they make relationships between us worthwhile, you should
never feel like you have to play a role of any sort, other than just being
yourself.

I hope you use this book not as a “be all, end all” of self-improvement, or
for looking at relationships in a healthy way, but as a springboard to
learning more about how to improve your life.

It really is a lifelong journey, and you should supplement the tools you have
gained from this book to continue to strive to have the best life that you can
possibly have. You deserve it!

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Frequently Asked Questions

I know you said not to meet up with my ex for the first time post-
breakup at a familiar place, or at one of our homes, but he’s insisting
on having me over and cooking dinner for me. What should I do?

You’re a big girl, so I won’t tell you that you can’t do something—but I will
reinforce the reason why I prefer you don’t go to his place, and give you
some things to keep in mind if you go through with it regardless.

The major reason you shouldn’t go to his home for this post-breakup
meeting is that you should take things slow. You’ve already been intimate
with this guy; there is a familiarity there. Therefore, normal “first date” stuff
does not apply, and even if you would never move too fast on a first date,
you may be susceptible to going a little too far in this situation.

Things might get “physical” rather quickly, and if you wind up sleeping
together that night, it can work against you if your goal is to re-start a fresh
relationship with him. He’ll know that he have immediate gratification from
you (sex), without having to put in any work to win you back, or be the type
of boyfriend you want and deserve.

In order to make him respect and value you, you’ve got to make him invest
some effort into getting you back. Going to his place for the post-breakup
meeting and hopping into bed with him doesn’t make you look like you’re

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any sort of challenge, and it doesn’t send the message that you’ve grown
and matured since the breakup.

If you feel you’re strong enough to stick to your guns in this situation, and
you’re determined to go this route and meet at his place, then you still need
to have a plan. Plan on when you will leave, plan on what you will do and
won’t do, and plan on what you’ll say if he wants more than you are willing
to give. By thinking about these things ahead of time, you won’t taken by
surprise when and if compromising situations occur, and you will be better
equipped to handle them.

If he wants to express how sorry he is, and how badly he messed up by

ending the relationship, listen to him and appreciate what he has to say.
But you can’t just melt into his arms and agree on the spot to be his
girlfriend again. Your response should be along the lines of, “I appreciate
you opening up and sharing how you feel, but let’s not rush into anything.

I’m not sure how I feel about things and I think we both need some more
time.” (Even if you’re 100% into the idea of dating him again, you can’t
make this too easy for him. This is when men will take you, and the
relationship, for granted!)

Having said that, I’m still not crazy about the idea of going to his place, and
it can be much easier to say that you will resist temptation than to actually
do it when you’re in the moment.

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I would still encourage you to make other plans to do something in public

that has a definite start and end time. To keep yourself honest, you can
make plans with a friend for after the meetup, or meet up with him during
your lunch break, so that you have a reason to leave at a certain time.

I’m torn between a guy I met after my breakup and my ex. My ex wants
to get back together, but I like the new guy, too. What should I do?

First of all, way to go, girl. It’s always good to have more than one choice,
right? Just remember that on this particular test, you can also select
answer “C,” which is “none of the above.” (And no, there is no “all of the
above” option, though I think we’ve all wished there was at some point or
another!)

Take a step back and evaluate things with a clear head. Some of the tools I
provided you with to look back on your relationship with your ex can
provide you with help in deciding whether you want to give him another
chance.

But what about the new guy? Is there a crystal ball to show what will
happen if you choose him?

Of course, no such crystal ball exists, so you should be honest with

yourself about any warning signs for potential conflict there are in either of
your personalities. Are there things about him that you hope will change?

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Remember that we can never assume that a person will change, and we
must NEVER intend to change someone else ourselves. Changes, if they
occur, must be taken as a happy little surprise, and not a condition that
must be met in order for the relationship to succeed.

(Of course, there can be unhappy changes, too--when a guy is in the

“courting phase” with a woman, he’s on his best behavior. Once he knows
he’s got her, his attitude and behavior can change in all kinds of unpleasant
ways.)

Another thing to keep in mind is that the new guy has a certain advantage
over your ex that may be coloring your thinking. You have no baggage with
the new guy. He hasn’t had the opportunity to display a full range of not
only the things you may come to love about him, but also his faults.

It’s easy to idealize someone who is new in your life, because they’re
probably guarding how much they reveal to you (as you are likely doing
also, to a certain extent).

Your ex, on the other hand, is someone you probably know inside and out.
You know his faults, and compared to the new guy, he may seem a bit like
damaged goods. In our society, we love shiny new things, right?

Then again, your ex may have an advantage in terms of your history

together. Many times, we pass up new opportunities because we simply
can’t unchain ourselves from the long history we have with someone who
really isn’t worth our time.
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Your ex may know this, and may even pull your heartstrings by bringing up
your past or making you feel guilty. It’s a tough position to be in, for sure.

The best thing you can do is to separate the new guy and the ex from these
biased ways of thinking, and look at them both objectively. The best way to
do that is to take a little break from both of them.

You can even be honest and let them know that you’re looking at your
options, though you must also know that this could ignite a competition
between them, and make your decision that much harder.

Whatever you do, make a decision and stick with it. It’s not fair to you or
them to go back and forth, and you may just end up with three broken
hearts when all is said and done.

Furthermore, remember that this is not just about making a logical decision;
you must also let your heart have a say in the matter! If you truly love your
ex, or if you just can’t get over the idea of dating this new guy, your
decision may have already made itself.

I’m not sure whether to get back with my ex, because he dated one of
my friends after we broke up. Is that something I can get over?

That’s a very difficult situation, and also a difficult question because there
are so many different variables involved. You need to look at your specific

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situation, because there is no one-size-fits-all answer here. Here are some

things I would ask you if we were sitting down for coffee:

• How long were you two together?

• How long after the breakup did he get together with your friend, and
how long did that last?

• What was your friendship like with this girl before, during, and after
she dated your ex?

• Did you ever tell your ex and/or your friend that you did not approve,
or that you were bothered by them dating?

• Was their relationship serious, and how did it end—ugly, or on

relatively good terms?

• How did your relationship end with your ex? What were the main
issues that led to the breakup?

There are more questions that can be asked, but these are the most
important ones that come to mind.

If you and your ex were together for a long time and were very serious, it
obviously makes it even harder to get past the fact that your ex dated one
of your friends after the breakup.

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This is especially true if he jumped right into dating her, while you were still
struggling and trying to heal. In that case, you may have a hard time
trusting your ex or your friend ever again.

If they got together quickly after your breakup, it’s only natural to wonder
whether the seeds of this relationship were planted back when you were
still dating him.

This would be a major violation of your trust, wouldn’t it? I mean, people
say all the time that “these things just happen,” but how many times do two
people who have been around each other for years, but had no previous
attraction to one another, simply hook up and start dating on a whim? It
seems unlikely.

If you were close friends with the girl, it only amplifies the feelings of
betrayal. Even if at the time, you never thought you would get back with
your ex again, you may feel that your ex was messing with your life by
choosing to be involved with a close friend of yours, instead of all the other
girls he could have dated instead. I certainly wouldn’t fault you for taking it
personally.

But perhaps the biggest question is, “Did you tell them you didn’t approve?”
You may have felt like it was none of your business, but in reality, it was
your business. Your friends need to know if they are doing something that
hurts you, and this includes hurting you by dating someone you have a
romantic history with.

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Similarly, if your ex wants to have even a basic friendship or mutual respect

with you in the future, he shouldn’t do things that will obviously hurt your
feelings.

If you told them you didn’t approve, and their attitude was pretty much,
“Sorry you feel that way, but we’re going to date anyway,” I don’t know how
you can get past it. That’s a blatant disregard for your feelings, and it has
always been my belief that if someone will put what they want above your
feelings as a person, they probably will never be good for you as a friend or
a lover.

If your ex was willing to hurt you by dating your friend even though you told
him it hurt, what else will he do in the future?

If you get back together with him, will he leave you when someone else
catches his eye?

These doubts will always be with you in the future.

The same holds true for your friend. If you told her you didn’t want her to
date your ex, and you felt justified in asking her not to do so, yet she chose
to anyway, how can you trust her in the future?

Your true friends should always be willing to forego something they want, if
it involves making you suffer in some way. Someone who can’t do that is
not going to be a good friend to you.

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Now, if you didn’t make it clear to them that the relationship bothered you,
you don’t have much of a right to hold it against them, do you? If you made
them feel like it was okay somehow, how would they know that in reality,
you really did have a problem with it? People can’t read minds.

Furthermore, if the initial breakup was primarily because of something

awful you did, such as cheating on your boyfriend, you may need to cut him
some slack. While you may still think it was inappropriate of your friend to
be with him (and I can’t argue with you there), you put your boyfriend in a
difficult and vulnerable emotional position, and I don’t think it’s fair to hold it
against him.

Even if you simply made the decision to break up with him, you do basically
give up the right to dictate to him what he should or should not be doing
afterward. It’s a little unreasonable to basically say, “Hey, I don’t want to be
with you, but I’m also going to tell you who you can and cannot date.”

At the same time, no matter what the circumstances of your breakup were,
you have the right to decide whether you can or cannot forgive someone
for what they have done to you. If you truly can’t get past the fact that your
ex dated one of your friends after your breakup, neither I, he, nor anyone
else can make you get past it.

At the end of the day, what matters is what you can do, and if you can’t get
past it, you’re better off admitting it to yourself and him, rather than wasting
both of your time by trying to start a relationship that is pretty much doomed
from the start.
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I’m thinking about getting back together with my ex, but he’s making
all of these crazy demands and stipulations about who I can and can’t
hang out with. Specifically, he wants me to stop being friends with a
guy I’ve known for years. (I dated him briefly after my breakup, but we
decided we were better off just being friends). My ex shouldn’t try to
dictate who my friends are, should he?

I honestly don’t think anyone should ever tell their boyfriend or girlfriend
who they can or cannot be friends with. I’m against controlling behavior in
general, and that kind of behavior can often be a precursor to abuse.
However, there is still a fine line between true controlling behavior, and
what you might be describing.

If your ex-boyfriend is truly uncomfortable with the presence of another ex

in your life, he can certainly tell you so. And really, if he says, “If you’re
going to be friends with him, I won’t be with you,” you have to admit that
he’s at least being up front and honest. In a sense, that’s better than having
him make these demands after you’ve gotten back together with him.

What he’s really telling you is no different than if you said, “I will not get
back together with you if you start smoking again,” or “If you’re going to
work 70 hours per week, I don’t think you have time for me in your life.”
He’s just acknowledging his own limitations, and letting you know what he
can or cannot put up with.

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This is a good time to remind you that you also have the power to decide
whether or not to be with someone. There is nothing wrong with telling
someone that you will not be with them if they do things you don’t like. This
gets a bad rap, and is often referred to as an ultimatum, which it pretty
much is. The key here is to not use ultimatums to play games with
boyfriends over silly little things.

If you’re threatening to break up with your boyfriend every time he decides

he wants to go out with his friends, watch a ball game on TV, or does any
other little thing you don’t like, he may just break up with you instead, and
you would likely deserve it. At the same time, it works both ways.

If you think your ex is being unreasonable about you remaining friends with
your other ex, you can tell him so. If he still can’t deal with it, you can just
say, “Well, that’s a shame. I’m not going to stop being friends with him,”
and walk away.

I’m tempted to get back with my ex (because the thought of being

single again is sort of weird and scary to me), but he seems to still be
playing the same old games that he used to play. He only returns my
phone calls when he feels like it, cancels plans at the last minute, and
so on. Should I continue giving him chances?

This is a good question, but I actually think it can be rephrased to be more

direct and honest. The real question here, which I will direct back to you, is
“Are you okay with him continuing to do these things as long as you remain
together?”
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You may already know the answer to your question. You clearly are not
okay with him doing these things, and it’s obvious that he is continuing the
behavior that he exhibited when you were together in the past.

At this point, thinking that he’s going to change is a bit irrational. Could he
change? Sure. A lot of times, both men and women do silly, immature
things when they are younger, and then grow out of them as they mature
and get older.

However, do you want to wait around for that to happen?

Furthermore, what if it never does happen?

The fact is, there are guys out there right now who do not need to grow out
of playing silly little games with you, because they never play them in the
first place. Wouldn’t you be better off with one of them?

If you really do love this guy, warts and all, you can choose to stay with
him. We all put up with faults and quirks in the people we love. Just
remember that as long as you continue to stay with him, you are essentially
telling him that despite your criticism of his behavior, what he is doing is
ultimately okay. At the very least, you are telling him that you will put up
with it.

Finally, you noted in the first sentence of your letter that “the thought of
being single again is weird and scary to you.” I understand that the idea of
returning to the dating scene and trying to find another guy who you
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connect with can be a bit daunting, but it’s not a valid reason to get back
together with a guy who isn’t going to give you the relationship you want.

I tried to get back with my ex, and it didn’t work out (he’d gotten
involved with some other woman and couldn’t decide whether to
break things off with her). So I’ve been going out with my girlfriends
to try to meet someone new, but it seems that all I’m meeting are
players and guys who are only out for one thing. How can I change
my luck?

First, you should stop thinking of it as “luck.” There are clear, distinct ways
that you can avoid meeting these kinds of guys, and you probably just
aren’t using them.

As long as you think of it in terms of luck, you will not change anything that
you are doing—to put yourself in the position to meet high-quality guys, or
to encourage them to approach you. And that won’t help anybody!

I would also have to assume that you’re meeting guys in the wrong places.
In other words, you’re meeting guys in bars, clubs, and similar places. I like
to go out with the girls for cocktails as much as anyone, and I know that not
every guy that goes out at night and does the same is a bad guy.

It’s important to recognize that just because a lot of guys go out to bars and
clubs to hook up, it doesn’t mean that every guy who goes out to these
places is out for one thing, right?

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At the same time, you will find a higher concentration of “players” in these
locations, and so you should at least try to meet guys in other places for a
while. Getting involved in activities like sports or exercise classes (if that’s
your thing), local hobbies, or activities can help you to meet men who are a
bit more nuanced in their approach to dating.

Furthermore, you could simply look for the warning signs of a guy that is
only out for one thing, so that you can get them to move along quickly and
allow you to be available when a decent guy wants to get to know you.
When trying to sniff out a player, remember that if it sounds too good to be
true, it probably is.

We all love guys with confidence, but when somebody approaches you with
a coolness and swagger that suggests he has done this kind of thing a
thousand times, he probably has. That’s not the kind of guy you want to
spend time with.

Instead of listening to pickup lines or over-confident bar banter, look to

connect with someone who is an interesting, three-dimensional person, and
who you have something in common with. Look for someone who is
attractive, but not trying to hard to call attention to himself with a gallon of
cologne and a pound of gel in his hair.

If you want to go out to bars to meet people, why not go to a bar where you
can actually hear each other talk, and where people go to get to know one
another or meet up with friends?
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This is a thousand times better than going to clubs to meet guys, where the
music is pulsating so loudly you can’t talk to anyone and the atmosphere is
pretty much that of a meat market.

Internet dating is another great option. Set up an attractive, thoughtfully-

written profile on one of the popular singles websites, and you may be
surprised at how many quality men reach out to you.

(You’ll receive emails from creeps, too, but that’s just the nature of online
dating.) If you have any apprehensions about Internet dating because you
think it seems a tad “desperate,” think again.

A huge number of smart, successful, attractive people use these sites

simply because they’re a lot more time-efficient than hanging out in bars
hoping to meet someone, and because they allow to screen your potential
suitors before agreeing to meet up with them in person.

Just keep in mind—working things out with your ex, hitting the “reset”
button with him, and building a wonderful future together will require you to
take action.

You’ll have to put in the work.

No matter how badly you want him back right now, it won’t translate into
success unless you follow a sensible plan.

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This means you’ll need to work through your negative feelings.

You’ll have to be honest with yourself about the real reasons behind the
breakup, what you want for yourself in the future, and the areas you’ll need
to work on to make the relationship successful next time.

This is about being proactive.

So go ahead and get started, and I look forward to hearing your success
story soon!

Samantha Sanderson
www.ExBackExperts.com

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