#383 JULY 1999 $9.95 CHEAP! MM iii %Le et t petite ») WOLD WEST e TIE ATi brim Our Latest Full-Color Magazine Spoof... our New 4O-.wirwte sin-Sweat workout vitely ) 4,384 | ‘DON'T BE A JERK! CALL y Toast ‘1-800-4MADMAGDEPARTMENT DEPARTMENT 5 of Reader Mail 4 urns AND Tomar Q4 Random Sampling a0 [ARE YOU TALKING TO ME — AT $100 AM HOUR? DEPARTAENT “Satirize This” (A MAD Movie Satire). [RULES TO NOT LIVE BY DEPARTMENT ‘The MAD Book of Suicide Etiquette 1 [ANGSTER'S PARADISE DEPARTMENT Monroe &... he Funeral 4 ‘COME TO THE DORK SIDE DEPARTMENT Countdown to The Phantom Menace 7 1600 WRESTLEMANIA AVENUE DEPARTAENT The Jesse Venturification of U.S. Politics: 20 [AN EMBARRASSMENT OF RICHARD'S DEPARTAENT ‘An Important Message From the Law Firm of Low, Rotten, Scumbag & Snake. 33 ‘MEDLQ. DEPARTMENT MAD's Star Wars Trivial Pursuit 8 SERGE-IN GENERAL DEPARTMENT AMAD Look at Plastic Surgery 26 THE DOCTOR IS IN-SANE DEPARTMENT Putz Adam: \er MAD Movie Satire)o-Dependence bay Feast of Danny Bonaduce IMPORTANT DATES ‘THIS MONTH 2/3] si Raton’ Ar-Goat Review Opens In Bozemen, MT ~~ 48 6/7 8 910 M12 13/14 15 6 7 MORE DEPARTMENTS ae BERG'S-£YE VIEW DEPARTMENT Sree ayy \tergeDoy The Lighter Side of. 33 oe boos £0N OF A miLosevie DepanTaENt Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions During the Bombing of Belgrade. 35 TALES rom THE DUCK SIDE DEPARTAENT Flirty Dancing 37 \WrTWoUT A SWEAR IN THE WORLD DEPARTAENT The MAD Guide to Cleaning Up Your #@8*% Vocabulary 38 JoKE AnD pAcctR DEPARrMEXT Spy Vs. Spy 40 {WE STILLS RE ALIVE DEPARTMENT The Phantom Menace — Scenes You Never Saw aa 1 LOIN Kids DEnaRTAENT The Omahog Steaks Meats by Nail Catalogue .... 5 Giving Las vecas otpanraent MAD's Celebrity Cause-of Death Betting Odds...48 MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT ‘Drawn Out Dram Narious Places by Sergio Aragones ‘Around the: Magazine “Most people don't mind a hard day’s work — just as long as they’re not in that day!” FRONT COVER ARISE ROBERTO PARADAOW SAY CAN YOU CHELSEA? What's with you people? Don’t you know that MAD violated unwritten journalistic ethics by focusing attention he President's daughter (MAD ist because People ‘magazine would cross the line doesn’t mean that MAD has to descend to that rag’s abysmal standards Lynchie — Thank you for bringing this to ur attention. Your letter was articulate, ‘correct and 100% on point. We have cir- ‘ulated it to all our writers and we can ‘assure you that articles about ill Clinton's child or any President's child past or future will never, ever see the Tight of day in MAD. However, in the interest of full isclosure, we fee! it nec- ‘essary to tell you that several articles ‘about Presidents’ children have already been purchased and are too far along in production to pull from the magazine. ‘Therefore, please accept in advance our apologies for the following upcoming (MAD articles: “You Know George W. Bush is a Nimrod When,” "A MAD Peek Behind the Scenes at Tisha Nixon's Tupperware Prty," “The Lighter Side of Amy Carter” ‘and “One Fine Day in Bed With The Gore Daughters.” We just hope these ideas aren't ripped off by People before we have a ‘chance to run them. eto meet Richard ferous enough to ® picture with me and a copy of 374, So how about it, do I get a re three-year subscription? After 13 years of being a loyal MAD reader it’s about time | et some compensation for my suffering! Tom Ryan, Birmingham, AL When he's not dealing from the bottom of the Deal--Meal deck or suckering 1,000 pound men and women to cry on paid adver tisements, tank-top aficionado Richard Simmons finds time to mingle among the litle people, namely Tom Ryan of Birming- sham, AL, who squeezes us for a three-year subscription. Congrats! —Ed, ACCURATE In Any Time Zone! DISSING PERSONS REPORT Tam a student at JWJi lander, Wisconsin. I ink ics a great ie insulting nt 10 n seriously, Think they should get a life and figure ‘out you're not serious, but you are los ing readers by doing this aul Heideman, Rhinelander, WI [At the risk of your being right and us losing yet another reader, we will now insult you, Paulie! We start with a ‘question! What the hells SWJHS? Is this the kind of place that when you raduate you get your own set of tools? Is ita clown college? ls it accredited by ‘anyone? Is the admission test one of those open book, true or false, marked fon a curve deals? Your parents must be very proudl! Thanks for writing and see ya at the circus! Ed. On the Letters Page in issue #378, you tried to insult Michael Lancione three times by calling him a nimeod. According to the American Heritage Dietioncery of the English Language, a rnimeod is a hunter" or “a mighty hunter” You schmucks (see your definition of schmuck in the same issue)! Gina Benjamin, Rhinebeck, NY Benji — You know, in retrospect, it is now clear to us that Michael Lancione is not @ rimrod. Rather, he's a putz. You, ma'am, ‘on the other hand, are beyond nimrod, putz and schmuck. You are an Uberclod. We'll save you the trouble of looking it Broporton arch: A rapping lp ox The Official Watch of the U.S. Equestrian Boating Team! Uses Much of The Same Time-Telling Technology Found in BIG BEN, A Historic National Landmark!VISIT THE MAD WEB SITE! http://www.madmag.com William M. Gaines founder Jenette Kahn president & editor-in-chief Paul Levitz executive vice president & publisher Nick Meglin & John Ficarra editors i Charlie Kadau & Joe Raiola senior eats David Shayne associate ecitor _~ ‘Amy Mavis esstant eter Dick DeBartolo creative constant ‘Annie Gaines rerssrsecitor Dorothy Crouch vo-icensed_ pibishig aniassccee p aX Art Department: ‘Sam Viviano ar? dive: Nadina Simon associate art director Leonard Brenner graphics consultant ‘Thomas Nozkowski c;ociicton ‘Marla Weisenbom production arist eR coc Psa Sei rine ome ec Contributing artists youte right, Kev will “succeed” his ae May right into Hollywood obIiviont the usual gang dPidiots Well give you a refreshing concept: : Hey, Costner, your priority should one focts on whether a role is wellwrt- ; ten, interesting and comprehens bie: ST, since you acmire his can- didness and convictions, how about refunding the hard-eamed money Us poor suckers spent seeing his “dreams” (our “nightmares”. See You at the $2.00 movie theater for the matinee showing of Message in 2 Bottle! Ea,COTTE er ee Cr eras In 1972, MAD spooted The Godfather. In 1974, we parodied The Godfather Part 1. And just when we thought we were finished, they pulled us back in with The Godfather Part III! Recently, there’s been a different kind of mobster movie it’s about a wiseguy in crisis. In The Godfather they went to the mattresses, in this film they're going to the couches! Seems like they're just begging us to... iim Pi Zi Career setbacks! You do? Wow! aT the mob bosst They're called Youve FEY figure we're both Doc, Doe, I need (op Land, Ronin F=~ Mine are been “needy” for a box youre help ately. and Heat! called there, FE} once smasni Tis | | ve Father's Day. tone FJ film could be tt A fo PSS) asenes of Teel ‘iy Giant” PEL that. Ft way ortinaing cosure disturbing your and Forget [BEL huh? for our personal setbacks! paint Parish career demonst || [Whoopatt rear $1 Cook dont want +4 then 1 insist ‘Let me pute : Ht eres yout” | | ary trouble! Tone [Pl you tac ey] “tse oe Cac my lense! Take | Et personal” || witnout [J esa eaten ie [an annety |] fife probiemi] | my insurancel business |_| we have no ‘attack, fil just bumped LJ fg ivebeen in JPL carat fll mowel we Uneeds AB) into me 77M peisont tm me 3 shrink J ys uate Tae, wares cd ting ee tis nis eadsatirize this The boss isa [1 don't know what Thisisa_ | [Yeah this or Tm Promo ‘Schmuck. not that! messi He’ |_| the %§@148 you're] | culture clash | | shrink [|] else | | spumoni.the []—weirget Find out why in conflicted ‘talkin’ about! ‘lek — an he | |rival crime tord!} |answers, bosst] | every lm — | in deep Hes notin a bad Italian sleeps | | This %68#* has] |"Wellfind out |_| from A Bronx Tale |-—~ deni. Place! Under the | | mafioso hooks with | | ‘gotta stopt | | “Why ztt's to Bullets Over hein Meadowlands in ‘up with the | | rim $aa*s6ing | | musciing in |=} Broadway —Tm Jersey — THATS a Jewish gefiite| | fedupti wart | | "onyour dressed for 2 bad placet therapist!) what? | | fishes!| | answers! territory Guys and Dotist We may kill 2 If your fancé fl Ewawwl Yiknow. Dr. Sofa JM doesn cure (you dont have | ¢ + him, we're tol Hecoula 2 THICECAY wow! that fg gonna make fl get that at TH doesnt bode JA * his ite rome! with FH ect or fing a Tht 4 my upcoming el was, tke (ee marrage! see oN TS TZ i Yeah...this could be our guy. He looks lke a pro! can't barge in Barge away! Barging s here! Youre not in my to have a three o'clock appointment book! ‘barge available!T have @ Hes = You! Youve —=—= That's not you?| [sac fiend who FES stresseat EX rigo oot ott! ED nr zit shrinks an has a Hes outon Youre EE you don’t I In the newly expert in problem! F=j panicked! Ei a timp — fi gonna really [crowded field “Wiseauy He was in EH “1 think bemy EE want me! fl of Mobster Stress! | Tell me =| aging your ff permanent about Bull friend fag therapist! himt = = [Today miami the] [Thats the A wget ature oe 82 “git tn a aterciive 180 doe to percent chance of |\1 phlegm! This is Lola } SF icc sina on Att] See | You dragged. —$— ‘meoutor | [Twant you on y,| bean tne | J cal 24 hours | mide oF the night ws ' g pee ; Weve got] [_Wel. it ge ‘When you wake up What are you flipping =—=—=—=—=— Dr. Sofa, | think same serous I Somodrow tere’ ut about? Because | [ Becauserim ] | youve got more | doctor patient) can this posi ao forse nead|[f) % “were armed-and | | walking on the| | hangups than | dot ‘rust issues! FE] get worse? [ea] in your beat the feds are up| | beach withoutSst the want closure! Who you? i ie — as et Se i : _ | = jossed fr | ‘Okay, NOW start Not to worry } 4th floor balcony! | worrying! it's ]] Lots of ‘That's him in the ‘bad luck to. | | peopie crasn F] chopped egg salaat mixmeat | weddings! = sensitive! That you're getting In touch with your feminine sidet ‘The rival families percewe this asa sign of weakness! and dalry! eS z That's #958 ing insanel Now | gotta think ‘Waiter, bring me another white wine spritzer! And somebody shut off that Tony Bennett crap! Piay some "Side By Side By Sondheim!” Vito. you call ths a flower arrangement..1212 ust got off the You phone with Ziti! He schmuck! f Just find ff anc find out wnat what closure is itisl ‘An audience member! The subplot with the FBL ‘and these shoot- out scenes. are endless! ‘'m feeling conflicted! loved the opening of this fick, but this silliness in the final stretch is causing me anxiety attacks! Pill had another panic attack! You're replacing him at this big meetingy poet SEEN Some of you may not know mel My name isW&— Now relax! Nobodys muscling in on your rackets! Sm Lenny da Groin, aso known as Harry da You'll keep your territories — the prostitution, Hernia, Perry da Prostate, Tubby da Tuba. jl gambling, drugs and extortion! Mc? I'l be nandlin| Willy da Wonka, Stan da Man, Leo da lip, ‘al the farfel and noodle pudding east of Peorial idberg, Murray da K and ‘Also Fil be in control ofall Mambo studios in Boca! if anyon ‘brisket I'l clap your ‘there'll be chalk dust up your absolutely clear!? Oral That's 7 [Ba-da-boom! Funggedaboudit! Shalom Incidental gentlemen. Ihave allof Jerry Vale's albums! [think the =| Partridge Family; flthough he doesnt seem tough enough! stress before, here's my bill had so much hee 4 nd The Opposite Of Sex! The fat bodyguard had a bigger part than met | feel rejected and mis Understood! | could have mailed this part in...Suracnd Remember that wacky Heaven's Gate cult that committed mass svicide a few years ago? Sure they were nuts, but you have to give them credit for carefully plan ning their deaths! From choosing aan order in which to kill themselves to deciding what everyone would wear (Nikes and purple shrouds} to artistically positioning their soon- tobe corpses, no detail was over looked! Why then, we wonder, doesn’t everyone prepare fo selfdemise as meticulous- r their ly as they did? Probably because they've never read, ee i é / ! oe Tood to last sure to put out enough dog our body is Finally discovered!Re E AML emember, death equols publicity! I you're a rock musician ple lose, select group's next album, ly increase your bandmates’ royalties! selfish suicide ho may be deper to land the jumbo ‘owing o friend's car to ng sure there's enough nd get your friend to worge, the total despair and hopeless no excuse for “careless aiming" for him, his lawyer and the entire 60 Minuies camera crew! TF he gracious Dr. Kevorkian client sets out enough refreshmentsWere WELL, TAKE CARE TRY 70 THINK ABOUT HOW UCH YOU'RE SAVING ON NURSING HOME CHARGES BECAUSE SHE DONT LINGER,Nothing shapes a young man's life as much as the first time he hears those three little words. You know the ones: “Your Grandma's dead.” That's right, sport, time to face up to the fact that we're all mortal! NOW, T WANT YOU TO ESPECIALLYTISTEN, We GOTTA EL? GRANDPA LNOERSTAND THAT LE is A BEAUTIFUL, PRECIOUS THING! THAT ALTHOUSH We NAY LOSE SOMEONE WE LOVE, WE STILL OWE IT TO THE, OTHERS IN OUR ives pum 70 CARRY ON! DO ME A FAVOR, MONTY. TAKE OFF my VN, FREAKING OUT Dx CANT LIVE SHOE AND Put) JOT THINK HE'S J. WITHOUT YOUR, YOUR GRANOPA'S GRANOMA_A TOE INTO THE TRIGGER ST) i GRANDPA STAYS WITH Us FoR A EVE ON YOU AND YOUR LOWLIFECOUNTDOWN TO. THE PHANTOM MENACE ...A ridiculous recap of the inane, insipid and insignificant incidents leading up to the most highly anticipated movie of all time!” ‘excluding Weekend At Bernie's Lucostim representatives Say the secury surrounding The Phantom Menace ste ghest eve fo 9 motion plete. They assure Me ess that no unaunond persons vl 68 te fim un opens Pirated VHS copes of The Phantom Menace 310. ta pushes over lage in Raw of me ia, ps 97 mothCOUNTDOWN TO... THE PHANTOM MENACEEEE ee ad There's a politician om th former wrestler who body ene who towers above all others! It's Jesse “The Body” Ventura, the immed his way into the Minnesota governorship! And with the ratings for Raw and Monday Nitro about 16,780,000% higher than Face the Nation's, this is one political trend that'll snowball! So whatcha gonna do when wrestling fever averruns the Congress, and we face... ‘igo pleased to meet ‘Senator ‘Thurmond! re you read) rerteady? F ipa ship “ CARRARRUMMIMMMMBLLLLLEN . \ f 3 . ‘Somebodys been brother. Jeb BushtUnger my Health Care Reform Bill of Rights, never again wil someone with a steel heir head have to wait three hours for proper treatment! Bll Clinton! You destroyed my hired icier New Gingrieht Next | sentaccident in a car, on the street, on your job ~~ sa or in.a dream, WE CAN GET YOU MONEY! farm, a broken fingernail, a minor paper cut or a bruised ego, WE CAN GET YOU MONEY! ‘@ Whether you've endured mental anguish because of a divorce, separation, bad blind date, lost football bet or from purchasing overripe produce, WE GAN GET YOU MONEY! © Visit Low, Rotten, Scumbag & Snake, the Professional Accident Appraisers! Even if you think the accident is your fault! Even if several dozen witnesses are sure the accident is your fault, WE CAN GET YOU MONEY! ‘© Suppose you drive recklessly through a red light and run over five or six people because you're stinking drunk. That doesn't mean it's your fault. In fact, it was your poor work environment that drove you to drink, and who's. responsible for that? Your employer! If it wasn't for him, you never would have been charged with vehicular manslaughter. He should PAY YOU AND US! AND HE WILL! experience, 191 of them bel An Important Message From The Law Firm of Low, ROTTEN, SCUMBAG & SNAKE see “UME You'll have peace of mind knowing that our team of attorneys has over 227 years of id bars! WELL STOP AT NOTHING TO GET YOU MONEY! ‘© Remember, WE CAN GET <<5 YOU MONEY! Not only have we collected BIG sums for secondhand smoke claims, but we've collected even BIGGER sums on third-,fourth-, and fifth= hand smoke claims! Our success rate is amazin In one case, we were able to get a woman ten years back pay, five years severance pay and two years vacation pay, despite the fact that she NEVER HELD A JOB! @ Our team of specially-trained doctors can provide you with the kind of medical reports you need to collect BIG! And best of all, they're so skilled, they can diagnose broken bones, whiplash and compound fractures over the phone! No bothersome office visit is ever needed! © And here's OUR GUARANTEE: If we don't collect on your behalf, you are only responsible to pay your share of the bill orig STOTT aa Pee aie ied AC TUT nada Pores Pee ed eee rea Pe WE ACCEPT + Wong Det 4 Tks Tape Deaths + Sp ts + Derwe Nose Ha 4 Rica Death > Slot Car Mishops {rede Flee! Wiplach Animated Rodent Ateck Het rent ace % imagined Dismemberment > Rabi! Malpractice > Une Spinoet 4 elon Aine Togedy + Wek Bons 3 Dscoed Het + Lenser Betings 2 Eepldig Jew 1 Cvesophic Daren Limp Wis jis Terr aesttion 4 Toboggen Ht ond Ren Conese Amnesia ngowa Toe Nal + Pots Fes + hae ory 2 Swelwed Goll ob PHoToceArnn tne soon 3 Unexpected Rin Sed Wedgie ‘enrenoicxonnanToxo 2{'seems that good old George Lucas didn’t make enough billions off the hordes of Star Wars fans out there. Nope, even with all the ‘movies, toys, costumes and videos, some flunky in George's © ‘marketing department told him that there was a few bucks more ta be drained out of his most loyal fans. So before you could say Obi Wan Kenobi, out came a special edition of the game Trivial Pursuit chock tull f mind-numbing questions about Luke, Darth and the boys. Think you know everything about Star Wars just because you've seen the trilogy “about a zillion times?” Don't bet on it, Yoda Breath! Prepare to feel the farce in,ree eee Now at last all yc cheapies can be big sports by renting my movie on video for a buck and a haif instead of spending eight dollars at the theater! You should also know that this film is based on a true story, only the facts have been changed to, > ly sentimental at the same time! allow me to be both wildly ma Tmcoming to your psychiatric ‘And who willbe voluntary to circulated be- paying because | for your hospital stay and, Thate to burst his bubble, Geriatrics the but it's no big trick problems of the elderiyt ‘making these wackos itd laugh! They think a bow! ‘Are you coming Of JelLO is funny here to study oF TAT to be studied?There he goes with his“ a bedpan upside down ead scht You're not going to be much] of a doctor, either! Hes been dead for Tan treing rene FT as]. [esas Fe] the fami fs akays abadinfuence [ [Fram] ] lis, | [tomate sick people easier when ies y entnismospta| [watching | | W099, | eelnappier Secon | ivered wth a ite as case fen his beepiall | | watching | | you want hpked out Bae OF terminal cancer! You think the, | | present | | 94 want | | I funked out of || F Mfoyoutwnere’| | Ute" | | come a | | clown College and 1 “Gayouever | | netepo- | Léoctor? | | need med senoot sot that ne eee to fall back ont | a? || Sitios fll Ba == bor we Thought right-wing conspiracy! a oe — bated you ° wouldnt {85 rec mote tines, [PThanea peta] cs menor tonte ft ae rng ns move "yeuf|_ memory ve mero: | | te naman of» hospital ae oe ansot come ito ts fiz af te piystology | couple of Holy inet ae hospital And bythe "endocrinology. fg wood sept are you way. now do you have morphology ana | Z ning fre? stomach ff [the best grades but you ff "Ctolaryngology ‘Why not?) I removed! never seem to study? ‘life Notes! ZBen andar er] RES oa gate Sek plenty ‘you've begun treating | eset instead of medicine, our | jortalty rate is up 60%] Here's the spot to put our Danke Schoen Hospital where we ean ‘reat the ill Watching me play JIM It might if you Cats Cradle fl weren't playing it will make you ‘with the tubes forget your connected to my troubles! life support! Not everyone at the Jf | understanal] Danka Schoen Clinic | It bothers |“ numanitariant you because know youl some people say constructing 2 mi that I'm dangerous! suburban shopping all ané multiplex! Shes dead and its my fault! If Putz you have to h the history of the moviest Let gel— sett great to Havel Great for you, but Jim the entire staff of ME not so great for allf{ the hospital here JM the patients they ta guemea rte ie completely [LS of confidence? ‘unattended! T] ay J | Daa Look at these am | gullty of? OF trying to put @ human We find in favor of, ‘great kids! " face on the medical profession? Of trying to aliowing Putz Adams to STN | totes tei ray i show the poor and the sick and the dying that become a doctor! With [ red clown [iM chemotherapy ward again Doesn't that tell you ‘Those arent clown noses! They're strange growths exposure to radiation! his speech, already proven his worth to the medical community by finding ‘2 cure for insomniat Understand and minister to the psychological ‘traumas that illness so often brings? Let us not forget our Hippocratic TFILOGUE [a Novenber 98, Dr Putz Alans opened the doors of his hospital, Over 2.50 patients have bot methods sof his date there ae no kne N71yy) 2 N/4\ 239 PHANTOM MENACE #383. JULY 1999 $2.95 CHEAP! % NN ii NN iiTHE OFFICEpopu SS: FLIRTY DANCING |‘ be you have fi xsvwvea mou THE MAD Guide to Do you regularly use the %$#&"#@ F-word? Has George e pea wee neers rear rete Cleanina U Se ere ea UO #$0&°% language? If you answered ““%$%M&* yeah! to one or more of these questions, you have a serious social problem. So unless your immediate supervisor is named Gotti or you're dating Courtney Love, it's likely your propen- sity for garbage gab is. holding you back! But not to worry! As a public service we've devised an easy, cuss cutting program that's guaranteed to im prove your %# $B lexicon. Simply read. on as we lead you through Rather than setting the bar impossibly high by trying to go “cold turkey,” set aside one day a ‘week to vent your vulgarities. - ARTIST AMD WRITER: JOHN CALDWELL Whenever possible, resort to a rebus,(Fuoseyy) Hey! I GoT A AEE SPLENDID IDEA! LET'S GRAd A cours Qo eae REFRESHING BREWS wa Every morning, before leaving home, bang your ‘thumb with a hammer. Repeat until every conceivable vulgarity is ‘out of your system. RUDY, AND 1 GOT A MOUTH LIKE A (Poe SEWER, “sor nD an ‘Spend more time around people who are less likely to cuss. Get the seven basic bad words off your chest in a civil manner, while, at the same time, enjoying the aerobic benefits of semaphore. COLON! SATURN! STAR! AMPERSAND! AAAAAW "I! = ASTERISK! EXCLAMATION =| ] Get in the habit of verbalizing the comic “Try picturing your mother in place strip versions of what you're trying to say. of the target of your wrath.Ferrerif one more person tells me | look like Boy friggin’ George I'm gonna scream! You dont fool us, ‘Ambassador! We can see right through you! on ye! I . 4 Singular SeNsation! ey Tigtle SteP spe tkes!High quality. ficient service. | buses low prices. mee {You'll get none ofthis when you order from, “Why go through - 4 the hassle of buyi sh meat from youn local Supermarket when I can truck it to your unrefrigerated mailbox from halfway : | across the country?” ~Butch Splatter, President £ “Eat my meat! See inside for details...Dear Friend, You no longer have to go to your local butcher to enjoy the great taste of freshly slaughtered meat! Now, you can sink your teeth into the succulent flesh of your favorite creatures delivered right to your mailbox! Cows, hogs, even rare birds and endangered species! We lovingly raise and nurture them until they reach their peak of flavorfulness. Then we chop them up into fillets, roasts and patties and inject them with only the finest nitrates! Finally, we ship them directly to you in a truck that's guar- anteed to probably arrive at your doorstep no more than 72 hours after all the ice in the box we pack them in has melted! What could be more convenient? To introduce you to the delicious taste and pungent odor of Omahog Meats By Mail, I'm making the following special offer: Til send you a half dozen of my world famous Pork Groins™ for the price of 6 when you order either 8 of my legendarily juicy Gristle Burgers™ or 4 Ibs of my prize- winning Smoked Cholesterol-Rich Sausage™! Mim! But wait, there’s more! I'll also throw in, absolutely free, a full set of authentic plastic steak knives! You'd normally pay as much as 89 cents for a high quality set like this — that is, if your supermarket isn't sold out! / Ap|attHL rahe Vie reser ars aur wots cose wih US. p iapohnen Capea noncbae ages tae cleanliness and quality control at our Central Slaughterhouse. Butch answers some tough questions about his tender meat. Qa Do yale any products or 1 Whats that disgusting white stuf Qe yas a doug eae always nd in your steaks that makes sone Ky sssiiey omatogs Alternative Tofu Burgers are delicious! Whats our secret? Unlike the tasteless, spongy, Ay te uneducated carnivores commonly Tefer to it as “fat,” we connoisseurs of tea here at Omaog ell marbling” ‘So, the next time you serve one of our tere at peties all: oie Seasaye f ona, | (gee | teres arn ong ete aor Monae Bae fine com et ‘aithen tytarbucgenl hatpes | gan nantemn ede SSS epee ‘stupid, unrefined slobs for not realizing itl Quer an anima sights activist How do you treat your veal calves? sire ot omahog Farms we hare great respect for all of God's liv- ing creatures, especially His deli- cious, tender young veal calves. Each calf is allowed to roam free in its own 3’x 5’ pen where it can z grow to maturity without fear of Omahog baby calves are kept out of Remember, it may look ike fat, itmay = predators—except, of course, our harm's way in their protective pens. ‘even taste like fat-but it's marbling! i expert butchers!FREEZE-DRIED SQUIRREL CHIPS Delicious bite-sized morsels of America’s most poptlar rodent. ‘Makes a great snack! CLOSE-OUT yo VE LIL CHEF’s* HOME JERKY KIT Have fun and save money by making traditional Beef Jercy in Grade a” Upchuck Sy Pesanned coe ice et MASTER BUTCHER'S SELECT* PREMIUM AGED BEEF This prime cut of top quality meat was discovered by our cleaning lady behind a filing cabinet. Marinated at room temperature in its own juices for 16 months! Catcher's Mitt Tail Wind Chicken — Meat Texas Cut Balls Imagine receiving exotic meat and meat by-products from Third World countries all over the globe! Each month Bacon-Wrapped Gopher Hand-Strangled Veal Ozganically-Slaughtored you'll get a ziplock freezer ‘Turkey stuffed with 6 Ibs of Giraffe Spotted Neck such unique delicacies as: ‘Medallions Marinated Monkey Tongue Head of Striped Horse (Zebra) Ground Newt Chuck Chuck of Aardvark Rumy Ballpark Franks Hog Chowder Roast Aeteak Bae) Duck Edwing 41a Orange Breast of Penguin Smoked Kardveck Recap, ‘Toe Cheese-Stuffed Platypus Hickory Smoked Weasel Aardvark Rump Round Terards ta Gravy Elephant Trunk Patties Aardvark Rump Square Sliced Human a Tongue Cheese KavtaornampCuce “rant” BD Syl__ CELEBRITY CAUSE-OF-DEAT Our team of crack oddsmakers gives you the latest Vegas line ‘on how one of today's biggest stars will go to the Dark Side! ‘THIS MONTH'S BANTHA FODDER TO BE: GEORGE LUCAS Smothered in hugs and kisses at toy manufacturers’convention 3:1 Executed by mob of nitpicking Star Wars nerds over mistakes, plot holes and logic inconsistencies in first trilogy 5:1 Bludgeoned to death by embittered Mark Hamill for not giving him evena bit part in the new trilogy 20:1 * Fatal skin rash from wearing the __ same plaid lumberjack shirt since 1975 25:1 Excessive worrying about availability -_@f financirig for next film project 200,879:1HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS MAD FOLD-IN ‘There are few events that manage to excite people all over the world. Even major holidays like Christmas or Passover do not apply to all cultures. But there i occurrence that is universally ce tut what this event is, fold page in os shown, > FOLD PAGE OVER LEFT <2} FOLD BACK SO THAT “A” MEETS “2” deggie Gad <= SHOWING ON ea =! THE LONG AWAITED DAY FINALLY ARRIVES AND VAST DELEGATIONS OF KIDS REJOICE. THEIR WAY OF CELEBRATING IS LEGENDARY. ON EVERYONE'S SCHEDULE THIS IS ONE EVENT THAT’S VERY COOL