VE 122: DYNAMICS OF INTRA AND

INTERPERSONAL RELATIONS
Learning Module

CHAPTER 5: DEVELOPING INTERPERSONAL

RELATIONSHIPS

SOURCE:

Myers D. (2010). Social Psychology, 4th Ed. McGraw-Hill: New York.

https://open.lib.umn.edu/communication/chapter/7-1-foundations-of-relationships/

OBJECTIVES:

At the end of the course, the student will be able to:

1. Distinguish between personal and social relationships.

2. Describe stages of relational interaction.
3. Discuss social exchange theory.

ACTIVITY 1:
Read and understand the vignette below.

Scenario 1: Josh and Nina are strangers standing at a bus stop. Josh: Hi. I noticed your T-shirt
says Benguet State University. Are you a student there?

Nina: Huh, oh, no, I picked this up at a second-hand clothing store. I just thought it looked
cool—I liked the logo on it. Are you from Benguet?

Josh: My family used to vacation near there and we’ve visited the campus.

Nona: Where exactly is it?

Josh: It’s in La Trinidad, which is a few kilometers from Baguio City. Have you ever been to
Benguet?
Nina: No, but I’ve been in La Union. I went surfing there once with some friends from school.

Scenario 2: Several months later:

Nina: Hey Josh, I was thinking that maybe you’d like to go home with me over break and meet
my family and friends. How about it?

Josh: Wow. It’s really nice that you’d like me to meet your family and all, but I really don’t think
I’d be very comfortable doing that.

Nina: Oh. Okay, I guess. I just wanted them to meet you, but if you don’t want to....

Josh: Don’t be angry. I just think it’s a little early for us to be meeting each other’s families.
Maybe we can make the trip another time.

Scenario 3: A couple months later:

Josh: Nina, where do you want to go to eat?

Nina: I’m not really up for going out, but you go ahead. I'll see you tomorrow.

Josh: What's wrong?

Nina: I don’t know, Josh. I’m just feeling the need to cool things in our relationship right now. I
think I just need something different from a relationship.

Josh: Oh. I'm sorry if I haven't been able to give you what you want. I guess I’ve been feeling a
little distant in our relationship too.

Nina: I do like you, Josh, and I really value your friendship. You've really become like a big
brother to me.

After reading, reflect on the changes that occurred in the relationship between Josh and Nina.

The three scenarios that start this chapter provide a snapshot of how communication changes
as relationships develop. In the first scenario, Josh and Nina are following a getting-acquainted
ritual and sharing safe information as they initiate a relationship. The communication in scenario
2 is much more relaxed and personal, reflecting an interaction between two individuals who
have gotten to know each other well. In the final scenario, the communication signals problems
in the relationship that lead Josh and Nina to discuss a de-escalation of the relationship. These
snapshots reflect some of the stages that people experience as their relationships move toward
and away from intimacy. While Josh and Nona’s relationship is a romantically intimate one,
remember that the term intimacy is not used in course to refer to sexual activity but rather to
describe any close relationship in which each partner confirms the other’s sense of self.

This chapter begins with a model and description of the typical stages through which
interpersonal relationships progress, Next, we discuss two theories that offer explanations of
why we move from one stage to another. Finally, the chapter presents three sets of skills and
strategies for initiating, escalating, and maintaining interpersonal relationships.

Stages of Interpersonal Relationships

AIthough researchers use different terms and different numbers of stages, all agree that
relational development does proceed in discernible stages. Understanding these stages is
important to your studies because interpersonal communication is affected by the stage of the
relationship. Individuals in an intimate stage discuss topics and display nonverbal behaviors that
do not appear in the early stages of a relationship. We use interpersonal communication to
move a relationship forward as we proceed from being strangers to acquaintances to friends.
Outsiders usually can tell what stage, a relationship is in by observing the interpersonal
communication.

You can think of the stages, from first meeting to intimacy, as the floors in a high-rise building.
Relational development is like an elevator that stops at every floor. As you get to each floor, you
might get off and wander around for a while before taking the elevator to the next floor (see
Figure 1). Each time you get on, you don’t know how many floors up the elevator will take you,
or how long you will stay at any given floor. In fact, sometimes you never get back on the
elevator, electing instead to stay at a particular stage of relational development. But, if you fall
head over heels in love, you might want to move quickly from floor to floor toward intimacy. Part
of the time you share this elevator with your partner, and the two of you make decisions about
how far up you will go on the elevator, how long to stay at each floor, and when and whether to
ride the elevator down.

FIGURE 1: Model of Relational Stages

ESCALATION DE-ESCALATION
Intimacy Turmoil or Stagnation
Intensification DOWN Deintensification
Exploration Individualization
Initiation UP Separation
Preinteraction Awareness Postinteraction effects

Just as there are lights on a panel to let you know the elevator has moved from one floor to
another, markers, or turning points, signal a move from one stage to another in a relationship.
Turning points are specific events or interactions that are associated with positive or negative
changes in a relationship. A first meeting, first date, first kiss, first sex, saying “I love you” for the
first time, meeting a partner's family, going away together somewhere, making up after a
conflict, moving in together, providing help in a crisis, or providing a favor or gift might all be
turning points that indicate a relationship is moving forward. One pair of researchers found that
55 percent of the time, these turning points inspired a discussion about the nature of the
relationship. Such discussion helps the partners reach mutual agreement about the definition of
the relationship.

Turning points can be divided into two types. Causal turning points are events that directly
affect the relationship. Finding out that your romantic partner has cheated on you might cause
you to terminate the relationship. Because the event causes a change in the relationship, it is a
causal turning point. On the other hand, receiving and accepting an invitation from a friend to
visit his or her family for the first time is a reflective turning point, because it signals that a
change has occurred in the definition of the relationships The invitation and acceptance don’t
cause a change, but reflect a change in how you and your friend perceive the relationship.

Relational Escalation

Relational escalation is the movement of a relationship toward greater intimacy. This

movement usually goes through a series of discernible stages: preinteraction awareness,
initiation, exploration, intensification, and intimacy. Movement from one stage to another
represents an increase in the amount of intimacy between two people. Each stage is
accompanied by specific communication patterns, turning points, and relational expectations.

Preinteraction Awareness,

As you can see in the model in Figure 1, the first floor is the preinteraction awareness stage. At
this stage, you might observe someone or even talk with others about him or her without having
any direct interaction. Gaining information about others without directly interacting with them is a
passive strategy. Through your passive observations, you form an initial impression. You might
not move beyond the preinteraction awareness stage if that impression is not favorable or the
circumstances aren’t right.

Initiation

If you are attracted to the other person and the circumstances are right, you might proceed to
the initiation stage, one of the first turning points in a relationship. In this stage, the interaction
typically is routine; you might ask each other various standard questions during the first four
minutes of conversation, sticking to safe and superficial topics, and presenting a “public self” to
the other person. Your partner is now riding on the elevator with you, and any decision about
whether the elevator should go up, down, or nowhere is a mutual one for the rest of the ride.
The relationship could remain at this stage if you don’t share any further information about
yourselves other than what occurs during the initiation ritual.

Exploration

If you decide to go to the next floor, exploration, you will begin to share more in-depth
information about yourselves. But you will have little physical contact, maintain your social
distance, and limit the amount of time you spend together. This stage can occur in conjunction
with the initiation stage. During this stage, communication becomes easier, and a large amount
of low-risk disclosure occurs.

Intensification

If you proceed to the intensification stage, you will start to depend on each other for self-
confirmation and engage in more risky self-disclosure. You will spend more time together,
increase the variety of activities you share, adopt a more personal physical distance, engage in
more physical contact, and personalize your language. Also, you may discuss and redefine the
relationship often in this stage, perhaps putting a turning-point label on yourselves, such as
“going steady,” “good buddies,” or “best friends.” Other turning points associated with this stage
include decisions to date each other exclusively, to become roommates, or to spend time with
each other’s families.
Intimacy

The “top floor” in the relational high-rise is the intimacy stage. In this stage the two partners turn
to each other for confirmation and acceptance of their self-concept. Their communication is
highly personalized and synchronized. They talk about anything and everything. There is a free
flow of information and intimate self-disclosure. There is a commitment to maintaining the
relationship that might even be formalized through marriage or some other agreement. The
partners share an understanding of each other's language and nonverbal cues and have a great
deal of physical contact. They use fewer words to communicate effectively, and they have a
clearer definition of their roles and of the relationship. Reaching this stage takes time—time to
build trust, time to share personal information, time to observe each other in various situations,
and time to build a commitment and emotional bond.

Relational De-Escalation

Relational de-escalation is the movement that occurs when a relationship decreases in intimacy.
Our model identifies five stages in this process: turmoil or stagnation, deintensification,
individualization, separation, and postinteraction. These stages can be observed when an
intimate relationship becomes less so or comes to an end. The process of ending a relationship
is not as simple as going down the same elevator you came up on: It is not a reversal of the
relationship formation process, Relational deescalation can also involve only one or two of the
stages. For example, a relationship might move from being one between good friends to a more
casual friendship. A post-intimacy relationship occurs when partners de-escalate from the
intimate stage but still maintain a relationship. A couple might decide they like each other as
friends but no longer want a romantic or exclusive relationship; thus, they de-escalate and
maintain the relationship at the intensification or exploratory stage.

Turmoil or Stagnation

When an intimate relationship is not going well, it usually enters the stage of either turmoil or
stagnation. Turmoil involves an increase in conflict, as one or both partners tend to find more
faults in the other. The definition of the relationship seems to lose its clarity, and mutual
acceptance declines. The communication climate is tense and exchanges are difficult,

Stagnation occurs when the relationship loses its vitality and the partners become complacent.
Communication and physical contact between the partners decrease; they spend less time
together, but do not necessarily fight. Partners in a stagnating relationship tend to go through
the motions of an intimate relationship without the commitment; they simply follow their
established relational routines.

As with the up elevator, individuals can stop at this point on the down elevator and decide to quit
descending. The relationship can remain in turmoil or stagnate for a long time, or the individuals
can repair, redefine, or revitalize the relationship and return to intimacy.

Deintensification

If the turmoil or stagnation continues, however, the individuals might move to the
deintensification stage, decreasing their interactions; increasing their physical, emotional, and
psychological distance; and decreasing their dependence on the other for self-confirmation?
They might discuss the definition of their relationship, question its future, and assess each
partner’s level of satisfaction or dissatisfaction. The relationship can be repaired and the
individuals can move back to intensification and intimacy, but that is more difficult to accomplish
now.

Individualization

On the next floor down, the individualization stage, the partners tend to define their lives more
as individuals and less as a couple. Neither views the other as a partner or significant other
anymore. Interactions are limited. The perspective changes from “we” and “us” to “you” and
“me,” and property is defined in terms of “mine” or “yours” rather than “ours.” Both partners turn
to others for confirmation of their self-concepts.

Separation

In the separation stage, individuals make an intentional decision to eliminate or minimize further
interpersonal interaction. If they share custody of children, attend mutual family gatherings, or
work in the same office, the nature of their interactions will change. They will divide property,
resources, and friends. Early interactions in this stage are often tense and difficult, especially if
the relationship has been intimate. For relationships that never went beyond exploration or
intensification, however, the negotiation is often relatively painless.

For former intimates, one of the awkward things about separating is their extensive personal
knowledge about one another. Their talk is limited to superficial things, although they still know
a lot about each other, This tends to make the interactions fairly uncomfortable. Over time, of
course, each partner knows less about who the other person has become. For example, even
after spending just a few years away from your high school friends, you might have difficulty
interacting with them because your knowledge of one another is out of date.

Postinteraction Effects

Although interaction may cease altogether, the effect of the relationship is not over. Once you
enter it, you can never leave it. The bottom floor on the down elevator, where you remain, is the
postinteraction stage. This floor represents the lasting effects the relationship has on your self,
and therefore on your other interactions and relationships. Noted relationship scholar Steve
Duck claims that in this final stage of terminating relationships, we engage in “grave-dressing.”
We create a public statement for people who ask why we broke up and also come to grips with
losing the relationship. Sometimes our sense of self gets battered during the final stages of a
relationship, and we have to work hard to regain a healthy sense of self.

Of course, we are all aware of people who hop on an express elevator to get out of a
relationship, bypassing all the normal stages of decline. One study found that of the various
ways to terminate a relationship, abandoned partners most dislike the quick exit without
discussion.
ACTIVITY 2
Think of an interpersonal relationship that you had for at least a year. Make sure that you and
your relational partner currently have a means of communicating face-to-face or virtually. Using
the graph template below, plot the development of that relationship from stage to stage,
reflecting the relative amount of time you spent in each stage. You can indicate whether you
backed up to a previous stage at any point.

INTIMACY

INTENSIFICATION

EXPLORATION

INITIATION

PREINTERACTION AWARENESS

Have your relational partner fill out a similar graph and compare your perceptions of how the
relationship has developed.

Observe the two graphs and answer these questions:

1. What differences are there and why?

2. Based on what you have observed on both graphs, what can you tell about the nature of
your relationship.

Submit these following my instruction:

A. Photo of your and your relational partner’s graphs

B. Answers to question (1) and (2) encoded on a letter-sized sheet using Arial 11. Limit
your answer to half a page only.

Theories of Interpersonal Relationship Development

The model of relational stages provides a description of the stages you can expect
to experience as you move through interpersonal relationships, However, it doesn’t really
provide an explanation of what motivates people to move from one stage to another. Think
about some of your closer relationships. How did you move from being acquaintances to being
close friends? The earlier description of attraction theories provides a partial answer to this
question by offering explanations of what evokes your interest in another person. However, the
theories don’t adequately explain why you might stay at one stage, back down from a stage, or
move forward to the next. Steve Duck suggests we go through a process of “filtering” whereby
at each stage of relational development we apply criteria that a potential close friend must meet.
In essence, a move from one stage to another toward intimacy means that a person has passed
through another, finer screen or filter. These screens represent decision points in which we
make some assessment of the relationship and decide how we want to proceed. We can
choose to either escalate, maintain, or de-escalate the relationship. Two theories reflect the kind
of decision making that might be taking place: social exchange theory and dialectical theory (or
dialectics).

Social Exchange Theory

Social exchange theory is an economic model of human behavior that has been used to explain
how people arrive at decisions in a variety of situations. Social exchange theory posits that
people seek the greatest amount of reward with the least amount off ‘ost. You've probably been
in a difficult relationship where you have asked yourself, “Is this relationship really worth it?”
What you are asking is whether the rewards you are gaining from the relationship are worth the
trouble or expense necessary to sustain the relationship (the costs). Students frequently tell us
about breaking up from long-distance relationships because the expense (travel time, telephone
calls, missing activities where they live, and so on) ends up being greater than the rewards of
the intermittent contact. For others, the rewards associated with long-distance relationships
remain greater than the costs, and those relationships continue to prosper.

Immediate and Forecasted Rewards and Cost. Relationships can be evaluated in terms of
immediate, forecasted, and cumulative rewards and costs. Immediate rewards and costs
occur in a relationship in the present moment. You can think about your current relationships
and assess their present value. Forecasted rewards and costs are based on projection or
prediction. We make guesses about the potential of a relationship or its future outlook (predicted
outcome value). When you meet someone, you go through an initial assessment about whether
a relationship with this person would be rewarding. You use forecasting to decide whether to
remain in existing relationships during troubled times (when costs escalate or rewards
deteriorate). However, you don’t immediately abandon long-term relationships at the first sign of
trouble (low immediate rewards/high immediate costs) if you believe that things will improve
(forecasted rewards).

Cumulative Rewards and Costs. Another reason people remain in relationships during periods
of low immediate rewards has to do with cumulative rewards and costs. Cumulative rewards
and costs represent the total rewards and costs accrued/ over the duration of the relationship.
Just as when you have more income than expenses, you put your extra money in savings, so
you build up a relational savings account of the extra rewards. You can draw on that savings
account during times when the relationship is not paying off well. You hold on to a relationship
because you have invested a lot in it and have gotten a lot out of it. However, just as your
savings account can run out of money, cumulative rewards can lose value, and at that point you
might decide to terminate the relationship.

Magnitude and Ratio. You can also consider rewards and costs in terms of their magnitude and
ratio, Suppose you have two friends, Kelsey and Moira. Kelsey makes you feel good about
yourself, is helpful, and is lots of fun (rewards) but she is very needy and demanding (costs).
Moira is lots of fun and helpful, but she is also needy, Which friendship would you pursue more?
You might be inclined to pursue the relationship with Kelsey, because she is helpful, fun, and
makes you feel good, whereas Moira is only fun and helpful. The magnitude of the rewards from
the relationship with Kelsey is greater than that of the rewards of the relationship with Moira.
However, you might pursue a relationship with Moira because that relationship has a better ratio
of rewards to costs (two rewards to one cost, compared to Kelsey’s three rewards to two costs).
You might think that further developing a relationship with Moira might result in increased
rewards with the same costs. However, at some point relationships seem to achieve a
maximum return for the investment—that is, a point where no matter how much you invest,
either the reward does not increase further or the costs increase significantly. Suppose your
only shared interest with Moira is movies. Once a week you spend some very satisfying time
together, seeing and talking over a new film. You decide to spend more time with her (cost) and
find awkward dead spots in the conversation because there isn’t really anything else of mutual
interest to talk about (reward). In terms of your relationship with Moira, this means that having
fun with her and getting her help is the only reward you will gain, regardless of how much you
invest in the relationship. Finding that point where you maximize your rewards while minimizing
costs is one challenge of relational development.

Expected Rewards and Costs. People seem to construct templates in their minds for what
relationships should be like. Expected rewards and costs represent expectations and ideals
about how rewarding a relationship should be relative to its costs. We have a mental model of
the ideal friend, the ideal lover, the ideal coworker, and so on. We use the expected costs and
rewards associated with these ideals to assess current relationships. We might abandon a
relationship if we don’t think it matches or has the potential to match our ideal. In essence, we
set standards or criteria for our relationships by which we assess the desirability of a given
relationship. Like Duck’s filtering process, ideal images allow you to sort through relationships
and focus on those that come closest to or exceed your ideal. The major difficulty associated
with such comparisons rests in setting reasonable standards or ideals. For example, some
parents adopt a philosophy of never arguing in front of their children. As the children become
adults, they may have an expectation that happy marriages are ones without conflicts and thus
they may evaluate their own marriages as unsuccessful because they do not achieve this ideal.
If you find that you are continually unable to find relations ships that measure up to your ideals,
you may need to reassess your standards?

Finally, we compare our current relationships to the rewards and costs we forecast for other
potential relationships. We reduce our time spent with one friend when we believe we can have
a more rewarding relationship with another person. Researchers have proposed that we will
move quickly to terminate a relationship if it falls below our expectations and we think , we have
an opportunity to develop a new relationship that has the potential to exceed all of our
expectations. We try to spend the most time with those relationships that have the best relative
outcomes. All these comparisons work in concert with one another. We compare our current
relationships to previous ones, to the ideal, and to potential ones.

A research study used social exchange principles to examine whether couples maintained
friendships after dissolving their romantic relationship. In this study couples who continued to
provide each other with rewards and/or resources (love, status, services, information, goods, or
money) continued to maintain a friendship. Those couples for which there were costs or barriers
(lack of support by family or friends for a friendship, involvement in a new romance, or use of
neglect to end the romance) had lower-quality friendships.

Dialectical Theory

Dialectical theory looks at the human condition in terms of sets of opposing forces. When
applying dialectical theory to interpersonal relationships, we can identify forces pulling us toward
intimacy and opposing forces pulling us toward independence.

Three Dialectical Tensions. Researcher Leslie Baxter has identified three dialectical tensions
that have been widely used in interpersonal research.
 Connectedness versus Autonomy. We desire to connect with others and to become
interdependent at the same time we have a desire to remain autonomous and independent. In
one study of married couples, the desire to be both connected and autonomous was found to be
the most frequently occurring of the dialectical tensions.

Predictability versus Novelty (Certainty versus Uncertainty). Knowing what to expect and
being able to predict the world around us helps reduce the tension that occurs from uncertainty.
At the same time, we get bored by constant repetition and routine and therefore are attracted to
novelty and the unexpected. This might explain why people relish horror movies, where the
unexpected jumps out at them. Fright becomes pleasurable because it meets a need for the
unexpected.

Openness versus Closedness. ‘We wish to disclose information to others and to hear
those we are attracted to disclose to us. One ideal we seem to have in relationships is the ability
to be totally open with our partner. However, we also value our privacy and feel a desire to hold
back information. This tension was identified in the study of married couples mentioned earlier
as the most important of the three tensions, although it did not occur as often as the other two
tensions. Research conducted by Mark Redmond found that the number-one way that people
adapt content in interactions is to hold back or modify information.

According to the dialectical theory, each pair of tensions is present in every relationship,
but the impact of each changes as a relationship progresses. Movement in relationships can be
seen as a shift that occurs in the relative pull of one tension. For example, when you begin
developing a new friendship, one issue you have to address is whether you want to give up
some of your autonomy (freedom to do your own things) in order to spend time with this other
person (connectedness). Notice how this is similar to social exchange theory in that you weigh
costs (giving up autonomy) against rewards (becoming connected).

Dialectical Tensions and Relational Development. Both forces of autonomy and forces of
connectedness can be found even in close relationships. Even though long-married couples
have usually settled the issue of interdependence versus independence, dialectical theory
asserts (and research supports) that tension is still present from these forces. Generally, such
tension diminishes as we become more intimate; however, many an engagement has been
called off at the last minute because of the inability of the bride or groom to resolve this tension.
This tension represents the challenge faced by individuals forming close relationships who are
faced with maintaining their own identities while at the same time, melding their identity with that
of another person.

One study of married couples found that dialectical tensions existed both at the individual level
(for example, the wife or the husband trying to decide whether to be open or closed) and at the
relational level (partners differing in terms of desires for autonomy, openness, or novelty). In
addition, the study found that extreme closedness related to greater autonomy—which makes
sense, since those couples who share less information may also be likely to share less time
together.

Movement in relationships can be seen as occurring because some element of tension has
been resolved or overcome. For example, durng the initial stages of a relationship, you are
restrained in your self-disclosures (closedness). As long as you remain closed, the relationship
can only progress so far. You are confronted with the question of whether you should share
information and increase the level of intimacy in the relationship. Thus, a tension exists until you
make your decision. Once you have decided, some of the tension is relieved. If you decide on
more openness, the reduction in tension is accompanied by a change in the relationship.

Strategies and Skills for Developing Interpersonal Relationships

So far, this chapter has focused on the nature of relational development. Now, the focus shifts
to discussing specific strategies and skills for starting, escalating, and maintaining interpersonal
relationships. The lists provided are neither fail-safe nor complete—they are offered primarily to
stimulate consideration of your own thoughts and behaviors as you develop new relationships.

When you meet someone that you initially like, how do you go about fostering a relationship?
Once you have established a relationship, how do you ensure that it remains healthy and at the
level of intimacy with which you are most comfortable? The following three sections provide
strategies you can use to address these questions. The first section discusses skills and
strategies used primarily in initiating interaction. The next section covers skills and strategies
used in both the initial stage and the later stages of relational development. The final section
focuses on skills used in either maintaining a relationship or moving it toward more intimacy
once it has been established.

Skills and Strategies Used Primarily During the Initiation Stage

In the opening scenarios, Josh used the “free” information that was available on Nina’s T-shirt
as a way to open a conversation with her. You can use readily available information to begin
conversations and initiate relationships. In the initiation stage of relational development, people
generally follow a script that helps both parties reduce their level of anxiety about interacting
with a stranger. They also stick to safe topics and disclose only descriptive information about
themselves as they begin to build the foundations for a potential relationship. The following
sections explain some of the principles to follow as you interact with others for the first time.

Observe and Act on Approachability Cues

Subway riders in New York learn to avoid eye contact because it is a signal of approachability.
Other ways we can signal approachability include turning toward another person, smiling, being
animated (versus sitting very still), taking an open body posture, winking, and waving. In the
absence of these cues, we generally conclude that a person wants to be left alone.

Sometimes circumstances prevent us from exchanging approachability cues. The seating

arrangements in your class, for example, might hamper the use of nonverbal cues, So instead,
you may try to develop some sensitivity to the way other people respond to your greetings.
Saying “Hello” lets people know that you are approachable, and it tests approachability. If the
other person responds with a warm smile and a few words, such as “Have you finished today’s
assignment yet?” then the door might be open for further interaction. But if the person gives you
a silent half smile and hurries on, you can take this as a signal that the door is closed.

Identify and Use Conversation Starters

Like Nina in the opening scene of this chapter, we all are sources of a certain amount of ‘”free”
information that others can easily observe. You can use that information as & starting point for a
conversation. When Josh noted that Nina was wearing a BSU T-shirt, he asked whether Nina
was a student there, You can apply the same approach, lf someone is walking a dog of the
same breed as your childhood pet, you can open a conversation by offering an observation
about some peculiarity of the breed. If someone is carrying a book from a class you took last
semester, ask him or her how the course is going. For example, “Hi; isn’t that book you're
carrying the one for the dreaded Dr. CruzI class? I really had to work my tail off in that class.”

Follow Initiation Norms

Many of the initial interactions in a relationship are almost ritualistic, or at least scripted. When
two strangers meet tor the first time, they typically fallow this pattern of conversations!

Greetings: “Hello, or “Hi”

Introductions: Exchange names and pleasantries.

Topic 1: Discuss the present situation.

Topic 2: Discuss current or past residences (where they live, hometown, and so on),

Topic 3: Determine whether they know people in common,

Topic 4: Discuss their educational backgrounds or occupations,

Topic 5: Discuss general topics such as TV shows, movies, music, family, sports, books, and/or
travel.

Discuss further meeting (optional): Say something like “Let's get together sometime.”

Exchange pleasantries: “Nice to meet you,” “Hope to see you again,” and so on.

Close conversation: Indicate the intent to end the conversation with such statements as “See
you later,” “Got to go to class now,” or “Give me a call.”

Goodbyes: Make final statements, say “Bye,” and move in different directions.

Following the script provides some comfort and security because both partners can thus reduce
the level of uncertainty. if you deviate too much from this script, you might undermine your
partner's sense of security and discourage him or her from pursuing a relationship. For example,
after an initial greeting, how would you react to a stranger who deviated from the script by
saying, “Nice to meet you, too. Did you know that Youtube is becoming the vast wasteland of
Filipino intellect, draining the very life blood of our youth?” Most of us would be a bit leery of
jumping directly into a discussion of such an issue with a person we had just met.

As you follow the script, however, You should take advantage of opportunities to expand and
develop the conversation in safe ways. Listen for details about the person's background and
interests that you can inquire about, and share information about your own interests.

Ask Questions

The very act of asking questions can enhance your partner's attraction toward you.” Asking
questions shows your interest in the other person and in indirect way and promotes reciprocity
of liking. Asking questions can also provide you with information about the other person, helping
reduce uncertainty and improving your ability to adapt to your partner. However, accomplishing
these benefits requires the ability to ask questions without “interrogating” the other person, to
ask open questions that invite elaboration and discussion, and to ask meaningful follow-up; or
probing, questions. Starting with impersonal, specific questions, often about the circumstance or
surroundings, encourages a response by reducing a person’s reluctance to answer; for example
(while standing in a movie line) “Have you heard any reviews of this movie?” After the initial
question, asking more open and encompassing questions helps to facilitate the conversation:
“What did they have to say?” ‘

Once you've asked an initial question, be flexible and ask follow-up questions related to the
answer you get. Be open and provide information about yourself that is relevant to the
questions. Usually the other person will also ask you questions. If the other person gives short
responses without any reciprocal questions, that may be a signal that he or she is not
particularly interested in interacting. If so, you're probably better off not pursing the interaction
any further.

You might ask a question that you believe is safe and appropriate, such as “What does your
father do for a living?” to which the stranger gives an unexpected response: “I haven't heard
from him since I was 5.” Unknowingly, you may have evoked uncomfortable feelings and
memories. Some questions should obviously be avoided because of their inappropriateness in
an initial interaction; however, almost any seemingly simple question can sometimes evoke a
negative reaction. Having little information about a stranger on which to base your
communication decisions means you need to monitor the interaction carefully, Recognize that
the experiences and feelings evoked by your questions differ from person to person, A question
that is easy and comfortable for you to answer may not be for others. Be sensitive to how the
other person responds to your questions, and be prepared to adapt your comments
appropriately. Other-oriented communication skills can help you manage sensitive situations.
Put yourself in the other person's shoes. If you hadn't seen your father since you were five, what
would you most like your conversation partner to say next?

Don’t Expect Too Much from the Initial Interaction

Initial interactions do not necessarily determine the future of a relationship. In movies, initial
interactions between the hero and the heroine are often brusque and unfriendly, but after
sharing traumatic experiences, they eventually find love, Although real life does not usually work
this way, keep in mind that the scripted nature of an initial interaction limits the opportunity for
you and your partner to achieve an in-depth understanding of each other. Relax and arrange
another meeting if you feel the spark of attraction. It will probably take a few interactions before
you can make a sound cost-benefit analysis of the relationship.

Initiating conversation is only one step in the process of developing an interpersonal

relationship, Next we examine ways to escalate a relationship once it gets started.

Skills and Strategies Used In Both Initiating and Escalating Relationships

“No kidding! I love chocolate-covered almonds too.” “It's nice to be able to talk to someone else
who's a fan of Animal Crossing.” Statements like these two emphasize commonalties in order to
encourage the listener to like the speaker’ (this is called "affinity seeking”). We sometimes make
these types of statements when we are first getting to know someone, but similar statements
are also used when trying to escalate a relationship. Trying to increase someone’s attraction
toward us is just one strategy that is common to both the initiation and escalation stages of
interpersonal relationships. Other skills and strategies include appropriately self-disclosing,
gathering information to reduce uncertainties, monitoring your perceptions, listening actively and
responding confirmingly, and socially decentering and adapting Let's look more closely at each
of these ways to initiate and escalate relationships.

Communicate Attraction

When we are attracted to people, we use both indirect and direct strategies to communicate our
liking through nonverbal and verbal cues. Nonverbal immediacy refers to nonverbal cues we
display when we are attracted to someone. For instance, we tend to reduce the physical
distance between us; increase our eye contact and use of touch; lean forward; keep an open
body orientation; and smile.

We also indirectly communicate our attraction verbally. We use informal and personal language,
addressing the person by his or her first name and often referring to “you and I,” and “we.” We
ask questions to show interest, probe for details when our partner shares information, listen
responsively, and refer to information shared in past interactions. All these behaviors confirm
that we value what the other person is" saying,

We can also directly communicate our attraction verbally. Most of us don't do this very often. But
think about how you feel when a trend tells you that he or she likes you. It raises your self-
esteem; you feel valued. You can make others feel that way by communicating vour liking for
them, although in the early stages of relational development, there are social mores against
doing so. We verbally communicate liking in more subtle wave as well. We might tell someone
that we like a particular trait or ability, such as the way she tells jokes, of the way he handled an
irritating classmate. Or we might compliment someone’s outfit, hairstyle, or jewelry. Each of
these messages communicates attraction for the other person and is likely to eliclt a positive
response from him or her.

We also use affinity-seeking strategies to get people to like us. Table 1 summarizes
strategies identified by the research team of Robert Bell and John Daly. Deciding to display
nonverbal immediacy cues to verbally confirm the other person are not only ways we
communicate our attraction toward other people, they are also ways of getting other people to
like us. Other affinity-seeking strategies include establishing mutual trust, being polite, showing
concern and caring, and involving people in our activities, Apparently, these strategies do work.
Bell and Daly found that individuals who seemed to use many affinity-seeking strategies were
perceived as likeable, socially successful, and satisfied with their lives.

TABLE 1: Affinity-Seeking Strategies

STRATEGIES EXAMPLES
1. CONTROL Present yourself as in • “I'm planning on going to grad
control, independent, free- school, and after that I’m going
thinking; show that you to Japan to teach English.”
have the ability to reward
the other person. • “You can borrow my notes for
the class you missed if you’d
like.”
2. Visibility Look and dress attractively; • “Wow, that was a great show
present yourself as an about Chinese acrobats. | do
interesting, energetic, and gymnastics too. Would you like
enthusiastic person; to come watch me next week
increase your visibility to the in our dual meet?”
other person.

3. Mutual Trust Present yourself as honest • “That guy you’re having

and reliable; display problems with called me and
trustworthy behaviors; show asked about you. | told him |
that you trust the other didn’t have anything to say.”
person by self-disclosing.
• “l’ve never told anyone this,
but I’ve always hoped | could
find my birth parents.”
4. Politeness Follow appropriate • “I’m sorry. I interrupted. I
conversational rules; let the thought you were done.
other person assume Please, go on.”
control of the interaction.
• “No, you’re not boring me at
all; it’s very interesting. Please
tell me more about it,”
5. Concern and Show interest in and ask • “How is your mother doing
Caring questions about the other after her operation?”
person; listen; show support
and be sensitive; help the • “I'd like to help out at the
other person accomplish benefit you’re chairing this
something or feel good weekend.”
about himself or herself.
• “That must have been really
hard for you, growing up under
those conditions.”
6. Other- Put a positive spin on • “This is a great party. I’m glad
Involvement activities you share; draw you came.”
the other person into your
activities; display nonverbal • “A group of us are going to
immediacy and involvement get a midnight snack; how
with the other person. about coming along?”

7. Self- Try to arrange for • “Oh hi! I knew your class

Involvement encounters and ended at two, so | thought I'd
interactions; engage in try to catch you.”
behaviors that encourage
the other person to form a • “It would really be fun to go
closer relationship. camping together this summer;
I have this favorite place.”
 8. Commonalities Point out similarities • “l’ve got that computer game
between yourself and the too. Don’t you love the
other person; try to robots?”
establish equality (balanced
power); present yourself as • “Let’s both work on the project
comfortable and at ease together. We're a great team.”
around the other person.
• “It’s so easy to talk to you. |
really feel comfortable around
you.”

Source: Adapted from R. A. Bell and J. A. Daly, “The Affinity Seeking Function of
Communication,” Communication Monographs, 51 (1984): 91-115.

Be Open and Self-Disclose Appropriately

Disclosing information about yourself allows the other person to make an informed decision
about whether to continue the relationship. Remember, both of you need to be in a position to
make such a decision. You may have found out what you want to know and decided that you
have a lot in common with the other person, but he or she may not have reached that same
point. However, be careful not to violate the script or cultural expectations about what is
appropriate to disclose in an initial conversation. You have probably had the experience of
someone you have just met tell you his or her problems. Such disclosures usually alienate the
other, rather than advancing the relationship. I

People cannot form truly intimate relationships without muttual self-disclosure. Restricting the
amount of self-disclosure is one way to control the development of a relationship. If a
relationship is moving too fast, you might choose to reduce how much you are self-disclosing,
as a way to slow the progression of the relationship. The level of self-disclosure needs to be
appropriate to the level of development, and both partners must be sensitive to the timing of the
disclosures. Failing to disclose or disclosing the wrong thing at the wrong time can damage a
relationship.

Gather Information to Reduce Uncertainty

Meeting strangers and starting relationships is rarely easy. We all seem to share a fear of the
unknown, which includes interactions with strangers whose behavior we cannot predict. The
research team of Charles Berger, Richard Calabrese, and James Bradac developed a theory to
explain relational development. Their uncertainty reduction theory is based on one basic
assumption: We like to have control and predictability in our lives; therefore, when we are faced
with uncertainty, we are driven to gain information to reduce that uncertainty. Reducing
uncertainty requires using a number of skills we have already covered, but primarily depends on
effective perception and active listening. You need to gather as much information as you can
about your partner to increase predictability and reduce anxiety.

Usually we reduce uncertainty by gathering either cognitive or behavioral information about

others. Cognitive information relates to thoughts, attitudes, and opinions. Behavioral information
relates to reactions and remarks in various situations! As you have seen, you gather some of
this information during the preinteraction stage of a relationship through observations and
conversations with others who know the person. Later, you can observe the other’s behaviors
directly in your own interactions with him or her, and also ask direct questions. Usually people
gather behavioral information through observation and cognitive information through
interactions.

We are particularly motivated to gain information early in a relationship when uncertainty is

greatest, and when we are trying to evaluate the relationship’s predicted outcome value. We
also are likely to seek out information if others behave in an unexpected way. If your close friend
who watches Squid Games every night suddenly begins reading during that time slot, you will
probably ask why. Whether the friend shares with you what is going on will depend on how
comfortable he or she is in revealing information about himself or herself.

Monitor Your Perceptions

You need to be aware of your perceptual biases that affect your reactions to your partner. Such
biases might inhibit the growth of a relationship because of an inaccurate inference. Effective
perception can enhance your ability to understand and adapt to your partner as a relationship
escalates. Perception checking helps you reach a more accurate understanding of your partner,
and thus provides you with better information about whether to continue the relationship.
Directly asking your partner for explanations about things you have perceived can potentially
lead to more effective relationship management. For example, suppose you are interacting with
Miguel, whom you don’t know very well. During the conversation, every time you start to talk
about a mutual friend, Sandra, Miguel changes the subject. One interpretation of this
observation is that Miguel is rude and impolite, and if you assume this is the case, you might
decide to abandon the relationship. Or you might ask Miguel about your perception. The
explanation might be that he and Sandra recently had a fight and he prefers not to talk about
her. A hasty inference in this case might have precluded the development of a potentially
satisfying relationship.

Listen Actively and Respond Confirmingly

Listening skills are also crucial for developing and maintaining relationships. Listening clues you
in to others’ needs, wants, and values, and it enables you to respond to them in appropriate
ways. In the initial stages of a relationship, partners share a great deal of information. The
amount of information tapers off in the later stages and as a relationship continues over time.
This tapering off creates the illusion that you don’t have to listen as much or as well as you did
early on. But listening is a way to demonstrate ongoing interest in another person. Even in long-
term relationships, you do not know everything your partner has to say. It is still important to
stop, look, and listen—to put down your gadget or what you are reading when your close friend
begins talking to you.

You also need to listen actively and provide confirming responses. Using confirming responses
increases your partner's sense of self-worth and communicates the value you place on him or
her. In addition, if you can develop an awareness of the biases that prevent you from
responding with empathy, you can deliberately work to overcome them as you ask questions
and paraphrase your partner's messages.

Socially Decenter and Adopt an Other-Oriented Perspective

Social decentering helps you better understand your partner, which provides you with a basis
for choosing the most effective strategies for accomplishing your communication goals. We
have been discussing the notion of “appropriateness” of your behaviors to the effective
advancement and maintenance of your relationships. Determining appropriateness depends on
your ability to read the situation and your partner, and then to adapt or choose the best
behaviors. Essentially, you can consider either what your partner is thinking now or what he or
she will think in response to your actions—put yourself in your partner’s shoes, For example,
suppose you recently met someone to whom you are attracted and you are trying to decide
whether to tell this person about a very intimate relationship you had, which just ended. Put
yourself in the other person’s shoes. Would you want someone you just met to tell you about his
or her recent breakup? What information do you have that can help you determine this person’s
reaction? As relationships become more intimate, you receive more and more information that
can improve decentering and adaptation. Gaining information about your partners is one way
you will be able to make decisions about how to help them in distressing situations. One pair of
researchers, Ruth Ann Clark and Jesse Delia, studied how people wanted to be treated by their
friends in response to six different distressing situations. There was wide variation in how
people wanted their friends to approach the six issues. Clark and Delia found that people did not
have a strong desire to talk about the situations. When people were distressed, they wanted to
be the ones to decide whether to bring up the issue or not. Clark and Delia also found that
people wanted their friends to keep attempts at comforting short. This means that rather than a
formulaic approach to distressed friends, you should use your ability to socially decenter and
adapt to each one’s particular needs. The abilities to provide comfort, social support, and ego
support are qualities associated with being a best friend.

Skills and Strategies Specific to Escalating and Maintaining Relationships

Certain skills and strategies can be used to further escalate a relationship or to keep a
relationship at a given stage. These include a willingness to express your emotions, openness
to relationship talk, tolerance of your partner’s flaws and failures, the ability to manage conflict
cooperatively, and finally, skill in gaining compliance. The use of the entire range of skills and
strategies covered in these sections can help you develop and maintain strong and satisfying
relationships.

Express Emotion

Expressing emotions is a particular form of self-disclosure and is a skill that can be improved.
Many of us are embarrassed about expressing our feelings, yet sharing feelings at the
appropriate time during the development of a relationship is one way to continue its escalation.
Conversely, sharing the wrong feelings at the wrong time can have a detrimental effect.

There are two ways we share feelings with our partners? The first is to disclose information
about our past or current emotional states that do not relate to our partner, such as sadness
about the death of a family member, or fear about what we will do after we graduate. The
second way is to directly express our emotional reactions to our partner, such as feelings of
attraction to, love for, or disappointment in our partner. As relationships become more intimate,
we have a greater expectation that our partner will disclose emotions openly. The amount of risk
associated with such emotional disclosures varies from person to person. Most of us are
comfortable sharing positive emotions such as happiness and joy but are more reserved about
sharing negative emotions such as fear or disappointment. We may think expressing negative
emotions makes us appear weak or vulnerable. However, in a study of forty-six committed,
romantic couples, researchers found that the number-one problem was the inability to talk about
negative feelings. For example, partners often made the following types of observations: “When
she gets upset, she stops talking”; “He never lets me know when he’s upset with something he
doesn’t like”; and “He just silently pouts.” We generally want to know how our partners in
intimate relationships are feeling, even if those feelings are negative.

However, a constant barrage of negative expressions can also alienate a partner. Research has
found that marital satisfaction rises with the number of positive feelings the partners disclose,
not with the number of negative ones. A balance has to be ‘found that includes expressing both
positive and negative emotions at the right time in a constructive and confirming manner.

Engage in Relationship Talk

Relationship talk is talk about the nature, quality, direction, or definition of a relationship,
Relationship talk is generally considered inappropriate in the early stages of a relationship. A
relationship might be terminated prematurely if one partner tries to talk about it too early.
Willingness to talk about the relationship is one way to implicitly signal your partner about your
level of interest and commitment to the relationship. As relationships move toward greater
intimacy, however, the amount of direct relationship talk increases. As the relationship
escalates, we should be prepared to discuss our thoughts and feelings about it. In more intimate
relationships, relationship talk helps the partners resolve differences in their perceptions of the
relationship that . might be contributing to conflict and dissatisfaction. Unwillingness to talk
about the relationship in an intimate relationship can ultimately drive a partner away.

Be Tolerant and Show Restraint

The most satisfying relationships are those in which both partners refrain from continually
disagreeing, criticizing, and making negative comments to each other. Both individuals learn to
accept the other and do not feel compelled to continually point out flaws or failures. One study
found that, well-adjusted couples focus their complaints on specific behaviors, whereas
maladjusted couples complain about each other’s personal characteristics. Well-adjusted
couples are also kinder and more positive, and have more humor in their interactions. They tend
to agree with each other's complaints, whereas the partners in maladjusted relationships launch
countercomplaints. In addition, happy couples, when compared to unhappy couples, display
more affection through positive nonverbal cues, display more supportive behaviors, and make
more attempts to avoid conflict.

Maintaining a relationship requires tolerance. You must learn to accept your partners for who
they are and put up with some things you dislike. When couples loser their tolerance, they begin
focusing on and criticizing characteristics that they used to accept. Then relationships begin to
deteriorate.

Manage Conflict Cooperatively

Conflicts are inevitable in interpersonal relationships. As relationships develop, the individuals

share more personal information and spend more time together, so the likelihood for conflict
increases. The key to successful relational development and maintenance is not to avoid
conflict altogether, but rather to manage it effectively. A cooperative management style can
actually transform conflict into an experience that strengthens a relationship. It can clarify the
definition of a relationship, increase the exchange of information, and create a cooperative
atmosphere for problem solving.
Seek Compliance

The final skill for escalating and maintaining relationships might seem somewhat contrary to the
ones we have been discussing. Strictly speaking, compliance gaining involves the use of
persuasive strategies to accomplish your personal goals—that is, to get your own way. We are
not urging you to force your will on others. We are, however, suggesting that it is sometimes
ethical and moral to persuade others to go your way. In an ideal situation, the resulting actions
will fulfill both partners’ goals.

You need compliance-gaining strategies if you encounter resistance to fulfilling your goal. For
example, suppose you want to go out to a movie and you need to borrow money from one of
your friends to pay for it. You may simply ask, “Can | borrow 300 pesos so I can go to a movie?”
If your friend says, “Sure,” the interaction is completed. If your friend says, “No, you haven't paid
me back from last time,” however, you will probably use some compliance-gaining strategy.

Compliance-gaining strategies are responsive to the ongoing, transactive nature of

interpersonal relationships. We plot strategies that develop over a number of interactions and
modify them in accordance with others’ responses. For example, before you ask to borrow
money from your friend, you might first do a few favors for her during the day. Then if your friend
says no, you might remind her that she owes you for all you've done for her. If she still says no,
you might offer to help her over the weekend with her class project. The type of relationship you
have established with the other person will affect your strategy selection. Often we face little
resistance to our requests from our partners, so we have no need for any compliance-gaining
strategy.

ACTIVITY 3

Review the stages of relational development. Name at least one person from your relationships
that fits into each stage. Make sure that you are currently in touch with the person you will
identify. How does your interaction differ between each of these people? What interpersonal
skills and strategies have you used in your interactions with them in the past four days? Why did
you use them? Encode your answers using Arial 11 on a legal-sized sheet using the table
format below. Submit according to my instructions.

RELATIONAL NAME OF DESCRIPTION OF INTERPERSONAL WHY YOU

STAGE PERSON AND INTERACTION SKILLS AND USED THEM
RELATIONSHIP WITH THE STRATEGIES
WITH HIM/ HER PERSON YOU USED IN
THE LAST 4
DAYS

(Identify 2 for each

person)
• Note: You may add more rows as you need.