Selling with Emotional

Intelligence: 5 Skills for

Building Stronger Client
Relationships

Mitch Anthony

Dearborn Trade Publishing

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© 2003 by Mitch Anthony

Published by Dearborn Trade Publishing, a Kaplan Professional Company

All rights reserved. The text of this publication, or any part thereof, may not be
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Printed in the United States of America

03 04 05 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Anthony, Mitch.
Selling with emotional intelligence : 5 skills for building stronger client
relationships / Mitch Anthony.
p. cm.
Includes index.
ISBN 0-7931-6128-2 (6
9 hc)
1. Selling—Psychological aspects. 2. Emotional intelligence. I. Title.
HF5438.8.P75A58 2003
658.85019—dc21 2003000917

Dearborn Trade books are available at special quantity discounts to use for sales pro-
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 DEDICATION
This book is dedicated to my brother and trusted friend, Mark Anthony,
a tested and proven sales professional who opened a golden door of thought
and opportunity in my life. We have yet to see just where this door will lead.
 CONTENTS

Acknowledgments vi
Introduction vii
1. Introduction to EQ—Five Critical Areas of Awareness 1
2. Moving from Me to We 10
3. Understanding Your Personality DNA 22
4. Critical Mass for Sales Success 34
5. Applied Critical Mass 44
6. Hotheads and Seeing Red 54
7. Six Seconds of Sabotage—From Anger to Danger 62
8. The Viral Spiral of Emotion 71
9. How to Prevent and Contain Negative Outbursts 78
10. Solving the Stress Mess 83
11. Feeling Helpless or Taking Charge 89
12. Redefining Optimism 97
13. Sources of Discouragement 107
14. Finding Motivators That Last 116
15. Winning the Emotional Tugs-of-War—The Power of Positive Intent 126
16. Risking Rejection—Getting Past No 135
17. The Face You See—The Face You Show 145
18. Developing Emotional Radar—The Powers of Observation 154
19. Shifting Gears—Four Critical Selling Adjustments 164
20. The Power of Curiosity—Overcoming the Narcissistic Urge 176
21. Emotional Archeology—Mastering the Art of the Irresistible Question 185
22. It’s Not about You 195
23. The “Likability” Quotient 202
24. Reducing Stress in Confrontation 212
25. Masters in Conflict 221
26. Negotiating Emotion 231
27. Seven Habits of the Emotionally Competent 242
Bibliography 253
Index 256

v
 ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

E very project I undertake starts and ends with thanks to my wife, part-
ner, chief editor, guide, and friend—Debbie. You know what you do. No
words of mine could sufficiently describe your value. You caress each chap-
ter, paragraph, sentence, word, and punctuation mark to assure that your
husband is understood and properly stated.
I wish to thank “the chief,” James Amburgey, for his diligent research
and ability to mine the appropriate quote.
Thanks to my literary agent, Laurie Harper, for always telling the truth.
When she says my idea is worth pursuing, I know that I can believe her.
When she says I am headed down the wrong road, I know I’d better believe
her. Thank you, Laurie, for pointing me to my “own voice.”
Thanks to Don Hull and Mary Good at Dearborn for priming the
pump and convincing me of the necessity of this work. The words you
posted by your computer, Don, spoke volumes to me.
I would like to acknowledge the work of Daniel Goleman who has done
a great service to our world by expanding the definition of what constitutes
intelligence. It is Goleman’s framework that I have attempted to translate
into the realm and language of sales, and I am sure that I could never do jus-
tice to the tremendous insights he has given in his book, Emotional Intelligence.
Finally, I said every work begins and ends with thanks to my wife. So,
Deb, thanks again.

vi
 INTRODUCTION

“ O n l y t h a t d a y d a w n s t o w h i c h w e a r e w i d e a w a k e .”

— H E N R Y D AV I D T H O R E A U

H ave you ever met someone who is really smart but really stupid? Of
course you have. Now, ask yourself what they are lacking. Common sense?
People smarts? Relational insight? Can’t see the forest for the trees? The
individual you thought of probably is quite intelligent but lacks in what
author Daniel Goleman calls emotional intelligence.
Goleman’s landmark work demonstrated that emotional intelligence
(EQ) has a far greater weighting on a person’s potential for success (85
percent) than does IQ (15 percent). Those findings turned historical aca-
demic assumptions about success attributes on their head—and went a
long way toward affirming common sense. Success is, in large part, due to
how well we manage emotion.
When reading Daniel Goleman’s book, Emotional Intelligence, in the
mid-1990s, I was struck with the relevance of his insights for those in the
sales profession. I initially developed a sales training program based upon
these principles (the ARROW Program) and consequently, through the en-
couragement of an editor, was sold on the idea of writing this book. I am
convinced that nowhere are the dramas of emotional intelligence played
out more vividly than on the sales stage.
One of the inexorable truths of competition is that when clients have
a choice, they choose the option with the least amount of emotional ex-
haustion and annoyance. The more competitive an environment is, the
more emotional intelligence—or the lack thereof—is brought into sharp
focus. At such times, vendors bringing any degree of emotional annoyance
will be brought face-to-face with their own manners and approaches. That
awareness will come either through personal introspection—or through
their boss’s inspections.
The pleasantness of the purchasing process depends largely upon
our skill of making people feel at ease both with us and the process we
are introducing. Some salespeople have acquired and refined these skills,

vii
viii Introduction

while others seem clueless. Because of the possibility of having clueless

precede us in the selling process, sales professionals must deal constantly
with a degree of “sales baggage” with every client or potential client.
Consequently, when you mention the word selling or salesperson, you get a
broad range of emotional reactions, the worst of which are feelings of ma-
nipulation resulting from chicanery and hyperbole.

SELLING BY ANY OTHER NAME

Emotional intelligence in selling begins with the recognition that one
must meet emotional agendas beyond the buy-and-sell transaction for a
buyer to be satisfied with the transaction. Our skill level in the field of
human emotions must keep pace with our expertise in our field of com-
merce. The reticence that many clients have about dealing with people
who sell is quite likely from having done business with individuals who ei-
ther did not clearly understand these emotional factors or who understood
their importance but used them exploitatively.

MY AGENDA
When I asked my wife how she felt about the word selling and the peo-
ple who sell, her answer was instructive. “It depends on how much I want
what they’re selling. If I want it, and they know what they are talking about
and are not pushy, then I like the process and the people selling. But, if I’m
not sure I want it, or they don’t know what they’re talking about, or they are
trying to push something on me, then I don’t like it (or them) at all.”
My wife’s answer reveals critical dynamics that lead to an emotional
connection (or disconnection) between buyer and vendor. Her response
reveals three levels of judgment.

1. Emotional desire. (“If it is what I want”)

2. Intelligence. (“If they know what they are talking about”)
3. Emotional approach. (“If they are not pushy”)

This reply is instructive for sales professionals because it reflects a sat-

isfaction filter that clients use when entertaining sales approaches. A client
requires intelligence at three levels: “Do you know me?”, “Do you know
your stuff?”, and “Do you know how to approach me?”
This book will largely deal with the intelligence required to satisfy the
first and last questions. Do you know me? Do you know how to approach
 Introduction ix

me? Sandwiched between wanting the facts and the rationale for buying
your product are the emotional agendas that must be met with every client.
These two critical levels of satisfaction cannot be met without emotional in-
telligence. We must master this dynamic of human interaction—known as
emotion—to keep negativity from sabotaging our relationships and our at-
titude toward the work we do.

AWARE OF WHAT?
An engineer, doctor, or accountant can often get by without a high de-
gree of emotional intelligence because of the quantitative or scientific na-
ture of their work. However, the sales professional cannot afford such an
oversight. The sales professional who fails to be aware of emotional dy-
namics will soon be combing the want ads. The sales professional must at-
tempt to be keenly aware at all times. Awareness is the hinge that swings
open the doors of access both to individuals and corporations.
To master emotional challenges, we must possess awareness at many
levels. Not only should our eyes be open, but they must also look in many
directions. The function of the cerebral mind is to criticize, decipher,
judge, negotiate, and control. Awareness, however, is a “big mind” function
that helps us to know, sense, and accept ourselves and others. This mind-
fulness function helps us to receive input from others and respond appro-
priately as well as merge and connect with others smoothly.
Much of what you read in this text could be called “people sense” or
basic emotional intelligence; however, some very intelligent people forget
these basics on a daily basis—and it ends up costing them dearly. No mat-
ter what product, service, or idea you sell, you are in the people business,
and the following people rules apply.

1. You must constantly prove and reprove yourself. People possess varying
degrees of suspicion about sales professionals (and sales processes)
until they see enough evidence to remove that suspicion. It takes
time to prove yourself.
2. People expect you to figure them out. People have specific emotional
agendas that must be met. They want to be understood, and they
want to be approached on their terms. If you don’t take the time to
figure them out, they will go elsewhere.
3. This is not about you. The only reason anyone is talking to you is to
meet their own needs, wants, and wish lists—to get their problems
solved. Don’t allow yourself, in your occasional lapses into self-
x Introduction

concern, to forget this fact for a second. If you think that this is
about you, you won’t last long.

THE GAME IS WHEEL OF FORTUNE—

THE WORD ON THE BOARD IS SE––ING
Our clue is that this word describes what a sales professional must be
looking to do every hour of every day with every client to achieve success.
Which letter(s) would you like? A good majority of contestants in the sales
profession would ask for the letter L and spell selling. However, the emo-
tionally intelligent answer would be to ask for an R and a V and spell serving.
Within that dichotomy lies the foundation upon which emotional intelli-
gence can be built.
Is it even possible to think of serving others before serving myself,
when I so clearly have something to gain by selling? The question I’d like
to propose is, “Why would any sales professional want to sell any product or
service to a client who did not truly want or need that particular product
or service?” To make a quick buck? The odds are that, sooner or later,
clients will discover this motive, and their anger will turn the short-term
financial gain into a long-term loss of clientele. Emotional intelligence is
an imperative in our relationships with clients. Today’s client has devel-
oped a keen sense in sniffing out self-interest.

IT’S THE RELATIONSHIP

I recently ran into Greg, a fellow who years ago worked for Larry, a
friend of mine who is a seasoned sales veteran. I had not seen Greg in years,
and our conversation quickly turned to Larry, whose mantra has always
been, “It’s all about the relationship.”
Greg said, “Back when I worked for Larry, I never really believed him
about everything being about the relationship. I thought the best way was
to show the client what I knew and what I could do. But now, in my new ca-
reer, I see how right Larry was. It really is all about the relationship. People
have to come to a place where they feel comfortable with me as a person. I
just wished I would have believed it earlier.”
Larry’s mantra, though simple, is hard to improve upon. “It’s all about
the relationship.” And it takes emotional intelligence to build that rela-
tionship and to keep it working.
 1
CHAPTER ONE

INTRODUCTION TO EQ
Five Critical Levels of Awareness

“ B e i n g a w a r e i s m o r e i m p o r t a n t t h a n b e i n g s m a r t .”

—PHIL JACKSON

D oors open and close in our lives because of emotional intelligence—

or its absence. Nowhere is this truth more evident than in the sales profession.
Sales professionals must straddle the fine emotional lines between being:

• Assertive but not pushy

• Conversational but not overly loquacious
• Energetic but not tempestuous (manic)
• Callous to rejection but sensitive to concerns
• Empathetic but not absorbing

Think of any doors that have been slammed in your face and assess the
approach you used. Was your approach emotionally intelligent? Probably
not. More than likely, someone took offense at your approach, took a hold
of the door handle, and . . . slam! Conversely, look at the doors that have
been opened and that have paid dividends. Chances are your approach was
different. You played your cards right—a metaphor for emotional intelli-
gence at the strategic level—and reaped rewards for doing so.
A door of awareness in your brain swings open and closes in syn-
chronicity with the doors that open and close in the material world. That

1
2 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

door of awareness stands between your emotional and rational self. When
this door is closed, the emotional part of the brain can sabotage and pol-
lute your every effort. The rational part of your brain will then begin to ra-
tionalize every word and deed you used to sabotage and pollute your own
efforts. With this door of awareness closed, we make poor decisions, and we
expend rational energy in justifying those decisions.
When this door of awareness in the brain is opened, however, the emo-
tional and rational sectors of the brain begin to act in harmony. The emo-
tional part of the brain becomes subservient to the rational. Emotional
energy is channeled in healthy and productive manners, and you become
a much easier person for others to deal with because you are more at ease
with yourself.
The doors to success are opened by being aware of the issues that can
and do derail us in our pursuits and relationships. Five key areas to be
aware of if you want to succeed in a sales career are:

1. Awareness
2. Restraint
3. Resilience
4. Others (empathy)
5. Working with others (building rapport)

To begin this awareness process (and to provide a point of reference), I

have created the ARROW Profile. This self-assessment will allow you to gauge
your strength in these five key areas of emotional intelligence. The acronym
ARROW serves as a metaphor for what stands between us and our targets.

FLY STRAIGHT TO REACH YOUR GOALS

In sales, the sales professional’s goals are constantly emphasized. Every-
one is concerned with targets—the company has its goals, and the employ-
ees have their individual goals. By what means or skill set will we reach that
target? One critical skill set is our ability to navigate the emotional land-
scape with clients and to keep our own negative emotions in check.
Think of goals as our target, and think of our emotional competencies
as the arrow that will help us to reach that target. If our arrow is crooked
or broken, no amount of strength training, concentration on taking aim,
hype, and motivation about the target will help us reach it. Without a
straight arrow, everything else is futile and will only lead to frustrated
archers and target providers (companies). Let’s now reach into our psy-
chological quiver and check the state of our arsenal.
 Introduction to EQ / Five Critical Levels of Awareness 3

Take a moment to complete the ARROW profile in Figure 1.1 then plot
it in Figure 1.2. Next to each question, write the number under the “Self ”
column that best describes you. Use the scale of one to five, where one means
never, three means some of the time, and five means all of the time. Some
people by nature underestimate their strength in the five categories, while
others overestimate. To attain a more realistic picture of your EQ, have some-

FIGURE 1.1 ARROW Self-Assessment

Directions: Next to each question, place a number between 1 and 5, as per the scale below.
1 2 3 4 5

Never Some of the time All of the time

SELF 180˚
1. I am aware of why certain people like me.
2. I am aware of the things I do that offend or annoy others.
3. I am comfortable with who I am.
4. When in an uncomfortable situation, I can identify the emotion I am feeling.
5. I am aware of which emotions cause me the most trouble.
A A
6. I am aware of why certain people are uncomfortable around me.
TOTAL TOTAL
7. I am aware of the areas I need to work on.
8. I am aware of the effects my moods have on others.
1. I can find a solution when I am upset.
2. I am able to wait for something that I really want.
3. I can quickly pull myself out of negative moods.
4. I am able to express my anger to others in a proper manner.
5. I can talk honestly about issues that hurt or frustrate me.
R R
TOTAL 6. I avoid taking out my stress on others. TOTAL
7. I can remain calm when provoked.
8. I am able to persevere with unpleasant tasks.
1. I am able to refocus when others let me down.
2. I am able to accept events I cannot control.
3. I believe that mistakes are an opportunity to learn.
4. I examine myself rather than blaming others.
5. I am able to laugh at my mistakes.
R R
6. I am able to put my failures behind me.
TOTAL TOTAL
7. I maintain a positive and optimistic attitude.
8. I am able to persevere when treated unfairly.
1. I can easily sense what others are feeling.
2. I respond sensitively to the feelings of others.
3. I can sense what others are motivated by.
4. I am interested in other people’s perceptions and opinions.
5. I look past my feelings to other people’s feelings.
O O
TOTAL 6. I can easily tell when people’s words and body language do not agree. TOTAL
7. I like spending time getting to know people.
8. I make an effort to listen when people are expressing their problems.
1. People feel at ease around me.
2. I am good at communicating with people.
3. I am good at resolving conflicts with others.
4. I am able to get people to work well together.
5. I am good at articulating thoughts and feelings.
W W
TOTAL 6. I try to encourage and inspire other people. TOTAL
7. I can remain friendly, even when in disagreement.
8. I am able to work well with people of differing opinions and values.
4 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

FIGURE 1.2 ARROW Profile

Take your scores from the previous page and plot them on the corresponding lines/numbers, connecting all the dots.
Then draw the feathers of an arrow on the left of your line and the head of an arrow on the right of your line.

40
39
38
37
36
35
34
33
32
31
30
29
28
27
26
25
24
23
22
21
20
19
18
17
16
15
14
13
12
11
10
9

A R R O W
How far and how straight will your arrow fly?

one with whom you work closely write his estimation of you under the “180°”
column. Then, take the average of the two scores.
Following are descriptions of the five competencies this book will cover
to help you excel in emotional intelligence. Each section of the book is
dedicated to the development of one of the five competencies (as it relates
to sales success). These five competencies are what you measured in your-
 Introduction to EQ / Five Critical Levels of Awareness 5

self in the ARROW Profile. These areas include personal awareness, re-
straint, resilience, empathy, and building rapport.

Personal Awareness

The first section of the book dissects the issue of awareness. It looks at
how awareness affects your relationships with clients and coworkers and
your suitability for the selling profession. Introspection leads to awareness,
which usually leads to improvement. Some of the questions I address in the
first two chapters of this section are:

• What emotional factors differentiate the good sales professional

from the great sales professional?
• Why do I have an easier time connecting with some people and a
more difficult time connecting with others?
• Why do some personality styles cause me an inordinate amount of
stress and tension?
• Do some aspects of my personality and approach act as a turnoff to
others?
• How do I recognize and compensate for the natural liabilities in my
personality makeup?

Awareness means we are willing to see ourselves from outside of our-

selves. We must be willing to capture a portrait of the perceptions others
have of us before we can bridge the relationship gaps in our business.
We must also become aware of our strengths and learn to put those
strengths in the driver’s seat. We discuss, as the famed coach John Wooden
put it, how not to, “let the things you are not good at get in the way of the
things you are good at.”
The last two chapters on awareness, “Critical Mass for Sales Success”
and “Applied Critical Mass,” address the emotional makeup (the intangi-
bles) of sales professionals who excel year in and year out and always seem
to be at the top of their game. These chapters give you a psychological
benchmark against which to measure your attitude and approach as you
work toward higher levels of selling success.

Restraint

Have you ever had one of those nights where you beat yourself up over
something you wished you hadn’t said that day? Is there a memory that
6 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

causes you to cringe with embarrassment because of an emotional outburst

that seemed justified at the time because you were all stirred up? You blew
your top, and like a bottle of coke opened after shaking, there was no way
to take it back. We’ve all had these moments in our lives because of a lack
of restraint skills.
In the second section of this book, I discuss the “stress mess” that we
create in our lives by not having a game plan for managing our moods,
events, stressful situations, and challenging people. Relational progress can
be quickly sabotaged and wiped out in those few seconds where we lose it.
Once we become aware of what is going on chemically and emotionally in
our brains at those moments, we are better prepared to manage feelings of
anger, hostility, disrespect, and embarrassment.
In this section I also explore the viral spiral that occurs when we fail to
properly manage negative emotions. If we are not aware of how our nega-
tive emotions impact others, our relationships are adversely affected. And,
because of the strain on our relationships, new issues rapidly develop, caus-
ing relationships to deteriorate into this downward viral spiral. Without re-
straint, we can allow ourselves to be dragged down into a virtual cesspool
of negative emotions.
Restraint is the powerful emotional skill that keeps destructive emo-
tions in check. Restraint also prevents us from barging ahead in situations
that require patience—not pushing too fast or getting ahead of clients.
Those who possess restraint and continue to nurture this skill move to un-
precedented levels of self-confidence and relationship-building skills. We
all know that negative emotions cannot be entirely avoided. There will al-
ways be people who manage to tick us off. However, the degree to which we
are affected by their actions (our reaction) is regulated by our own emo-
tional intelligence.

Resilience

Does any career require the same degree of resilience as the sales pro-
fession? Each day in this profession you are expected to endure rejection,
disappointment, inaccessibility, runarounds, difficult characters, and slashed
budgets (sometimes all before noon) and come back smiling and ener-
gized for the next “opportunity.”
No doubt some people are equipped with thicker skin than others, but
that does not mean that resilience is strictly a gift of genetics. While a degree
of resilience seems to be imprinted by nature, a large degree of resilience—
or the lack thereof—is a learned behavior of attitude, logic, and response.
 Introduction to EQ / Five Critical Levels of Awareness 7

Resilience may be the single most important emotional factor affecting

success in a sales-oriented career. Without resilience, we quickly fall prey to
self-sabotaging messages that grow from the soil of failure and disappoint-
ment. In Chapter 13, “Sources of Discouragement,” I reveal how to sift
through the various sources of discouragement in your life and how to re-
bound from each with optimism.
Optimism is the spinal column to and from which all nerves of re-
silience flow. In Chapter 12, “Redefining Optimism,” I present a much-
needed redefinition of the term and expose the many misconceptions
about optimism. As a result, you will be better equipped to insulate your at-
titude from the daily bombardments of pessimism and cynicism, which
only serve to sour relationships and cause you to fall short of your goals.
This section also explains the difference between intrinsic and extrin-
sic motivation and demonstrates why top sales professionals are intrinsi-
cally motivated individuals. Extrinsically motivated sales professionals are
quick to lose motivation, experience burnout, and are more susceptible to
feelings of insignificance with their work. Chapter 14, “Finding Motivators
That Last,” reveals the chief intrinsic motivators utilized by successful sales
pros and how they can help you achieve at greater levels and avoid the pit-
falls of burnout.

Empathy

Empathy, a cornerstone of emotional intelligence, is a highly misun-

derstood term. When people think of the word empathy, they usually think
first about sympathy and compassion. However, the concept of empathy is
much broader in scope than simply feeling for or with someone. Empathy
is about understanding what people want and understanding the other
person’s situation. Empathy is about being able to pick up on and read the
signals that people are sending in the course of a discussion.
I like to define empathy as emotional radar. Those who have developed
this skill are able to read between the lines of dialogue and discern a
client’s motivations. This sense of emotional radar is what some would call
political smarts—the ability to recognize the payoffs that will make each
party feel good about the transaction at hand.
This section of the book not only guides you on how to read between
the lines, but it also teaches you how to read body language and tonal lan-
guage. Subtle but reliable signals, advertised in the face, eyes, posture, and
rhythms of speech, expose what people really think about what you are say-
ing. This observational skill is an indispensable tool in the empathy arsenal.
8 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Once we learn to overcome the narcissistic urge—the impulse that con-

stantly tries to bring attention and recognition back to ourselves—we begin
to develop keen intuitive senses that comprise the emotional competency
known as empathy. This narcissistic urge (common to all people) may be
our worst enemy in the process of building productive relationships. Chapter
20, “The Power of Curiosity,” explores how others have overcome the nar-
cissistic urge and gained a reputation for being understanding, insightful,
and wise with their client base.

Building Rapport

Once sales professionals are trained in a particular product or indus-

try, their entire success rides not on their ability simply to regurgitate what
they have been taught, but on their ability to build rapport with others and
persuade them to act. This is true as well for sales managers, who direct the
efforts of a sales force. The quality of managing and leading others hinges
on the emotional skill set of building rapport.
Chapter 23, “The Likability Quotient,” provides feedback from groups
who were asked to say specifically what they like and do not like in meeting
and getting to know others. Likability is surprisingly quantifiable and is im-
perative to building the long-term rapport necessary for successful business
relationships. How successful can business relationships be if key contacts
cringe every time they see sales reps coming?
Every personality uniquely challenges how we tailor our approach and
presentation. Dealing with the quirks and idiosyncracies of each particular
style takes constant adjustment. I have spent years researching this phe-
nomenon within the sales industry. Each of the core personality styles has a
unique emotional agenda that must be met to catch and keep their interest.
Chapters 25 and 26, “Masters in Conflict” and “Negotiating Emotion,”
address some of the most challenging circumstances for emotional intelli-
gence, conflict scenarios, and negotiations—dealing with rigid views and
heightened sensitivities. These chapters provide practical tips for diffusing
negative emotions and understanding the people with whom we are at-
tempting to make peace or make a deal.
Plenty of sales professionals are terrific at building rapport—until that
rapport is threatened. At that point, they go MIA (missing in action), be-
cause the negative flip side of the winsome personality is to run for the hills
and avoid conflict when anything negative gets in the way. To enjoy lasting
success in the sales profession, a person must possess the emotional apti-
tude to successfully navigate through disagreements, misunderstandings,
and opposing points of view.
 Introduction to EQ / Five Critical Levels of Awareness 9

Lead, Don’t Manage

Chapter 15, “Winning the Emotional Tugs-of-War,” and Chapter 27,

“Seven Habits of the Emotionally Competent,” are founded on the philos-
ophy that we manage processes but we lead people. It is dangerous to make
decisions and establish agendas without asking, “How will this idea play out
emotionally?” Emotionally intelligent people understand the import of
that question and proceed with a high regard for emotional impact and
consequences.
The topic of emotions is a complex landscape, but there are simple rules
for becoming a positive emotional force. The first and foremost of these
rules is to keep your eyes and ears open. Become an observer of yourself first.
We start this journey by looking into our personality DNA and sketching a
word portrait of how others see our strengths . . . and our weaknesses.
 2
CHAPTER TWO

MOVING FROM ME TO WE
“There is a cer tain type of purchaser that absolutely drives me up a

tree. The sor t that obsesses over meaningless detail, doesn’t respond

t o a n y t h i n g I s a y , a n d n e v e r w a n t s t o p u l l t h e t r i g g e r. I ’ m s u r e I ’ v e

lost many sales with these people because of my barely concealed

annoyance. I think they sense it and become tenser than they

already are. If I was better at masking my agitation or had

a better game plan for managing this type, I’m sure it

w o u l d l e a d t o m u c h g r e a t e r v o l u m e .”

— M . V. B O Y E N G A , Manufacturer’s Representative

The Principles of Emotional Intelligence

• Awareness of our individual personality style will help us avoid an-
noying others of opposite styles.
• Awareness of why certain types of people grate on our nerves will
help us to be emotionally prepared for them.
• Understanding why we react the way we do is the first step toward
changing the way we react.

Understanding the inherent strengths and challenges in our own per-

sonality and making necessary adjustments is a giant leap toward develop-
ing emotional intelligence. We must gain a clear understanding of how our
personality impacts others and is perceived by others. We must also learn to
recognize the type of personality we are attempting to communicate with,
so that we do not unwittingly arouse negative emotional reactions and shut
down the communication process. Emotional intelligence is a matter of
knowing yourself, knowing those around you, and knowing the adjustments
you need to make. This process allows us to move from a me to a we mind-set.

10
 Moving from Me to We 11

This chapter is about how to make the critical emotional connection

with others. Many times we find ourselves in situations similar to fitting a
three-prong plug into a two-prong outlet—no matter how hard we try,
there will be no connection and certainly no positive electrical flow. The
same holds true in developing critical connections with clients to develop
an “emotional flow” that leads to trust and loyalty. The only way this hap-
pens is when we begin truly to understand the important role that person-
ality plays in establishing this connection.
Many sales professionals only communicate at the superficial level of
product features and benefits with a one-size-fits-all mentality. This shallow
approach creates a weak psychological footing upon which to build client
trust. As the illustration in Figure 2.1 shows (MVP Model), your commu-
nication can go from superficial to profound by first addressing your
clients’ values and motives for buying, and then ultimately addressing their
core personality—the foundation from which all their decisions and reac-
tions are based.

FIGURE 2.1 MVP Model

12 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Awareness of our own personality’s impact and greater concern for the
comfort level of our clients is the bedrock for success in communication.
These two objectives, when realized, will minimize miscommunication, mis-
understanding, and negative interaction with clients and serve as a basis for
strengthened trust and improved relationships. This course, for many, has
become a foundational communication skill for managing client expecta-
tions, reactions, and behaviors. Moving from me to we means we put our
clients first by understanding each client and the manner in which she
wishes to be approached.

THE TEAM DYNAMIC

Years ago, I participated in the Meyer–Briggs personality profile study.
After the course, when I was asked to explain “what I was,” I had difficulty
articulating what I had learned. The information, I felt, was brilliant but
needed simplification. I began to search out other systems that were sim-
pler in their terminology. Each system I reviewed had one flaw that both-
ered me—they were all egocentric in their approach.
These systems basically answered one question, namely “Who am I?”, as
if that was the end of the discussion. It was for this reason that I decided to
create a new system called TEAM Dynamics. I designed this system to ex-
plore the quadrant personality theory from a broader perspective that an-
swers all the following questions:

• What is my style?
• What is your style, and how do I recognize it?
• What dynamic is created when our two personalities interact, and
how can I leave a positive emotional impression?

By moving beyond the egocentric focus, we find many applications for

this study of the dynamics of personality. The emotionally intelligent sales
professional will quickly integrate this knowledge of self and personality dy-
namics into his approach with each client.
This theme will be revisited later in this book under different contexts.
In Chapter 19, “Shifting Gears—Four Critical Selling Adjustments,” I reveal
the body language signals that indicate personality style and the specific ad-
justments you need to make when you see these signals. In Chapter 25,
“Masters in Conflict,” I explore the topic of how to manage tension and
conflict that is based on clashing personalities.
 Moving from Me to We 13

HOW TO TAKE THE PROFILE (SAMPLE)

By filling out the profile in Figure 2.2 you will discover your own per-
sonality style. It is important to remember that there is no right or wrong
style—the profile simply reflects your specific personality makeup.
For each set, choose the word or phrase that best describes you and write
a 4. Then, in the same set, choose the word or phrase that describes you
next best and write a 3. Then choose the next word or phrase that best de-
scribes you and write a 2. Finally choose the last word or phrase in the set,
the one that least describes you, and write a 1. Complete the process for all
12 sets. Add up the numbers for each letter (A, B, C, and D) and record the
totals. Note: The numbers for each letter total should be no less than 12 and
no greater than 48, and the total of all the letters should add up to 120.
For best results, do not spend a lot of time on each answer—go with
your first instinct. You may feel a sense of tension at times when you are
forced to choose between two sets of words or phrases that may describe
you. This sense of tension is an integral part of the exercise.

THE PERSONALITY AXIS

While each personality style has many features—both positive and chal-
lenging—each personality has a simple and understandable axis around
which it revolves. Understanding this personality axis or “spinal column” of
the personality is a good first step toward understanding your own and oth-
ers’ personalities. The axis points for the four personalities are as follows.

The Togetherness Axis—Feelings

First and foremost in the mind of the togetherness personality are the
issues revolving around sensitivity. How will others feel? How will this af-
fect them? Did you show me respect and kindness? The higher your num-
ber on the Togetherness line, the more prominent this feature will be in
your personality.

The Enterpriser Axis—Results

Enterprisers are most happy when they are accomplishing something

and achieving results. They want to control their own destiny and are frus-
14 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

FIGURE 2.2 TEAM Dynamics Personality Awareness Profile

Directions: Place the appropriate number next to each descriptive phrase.

1 2 3 4

Least Most

A _____ True to friends A _____ Understanding

B _____ Innovator B _____ Takes charge
C _____ Thinks things through C _____ Accurate
D _____ Energetic D _____ Achiever

A _____ Thoughtful of others A _____ Giving

B _____ Daring B _____ Does own thing
C _____ Wants all information C _____ Cautious
D _____ Laughs easily / Witty D _____ Articulate

A _____ Will do as instructed A _____ Humble

B _____ Risk taker B _____ Refuses to give up
C _____ Wants things exact C _____ Likes routines
D _____ Persuasive D _____ Leads the pack

A _____ Listens and remains calm A _____ Flows with the crowd
B _____ Wants to win B _____ Strong personality
C _____ Deliberate C _____ Dependable
D _____ Enthusiastic D _____ Interesting

A _____ Hides feelings A _____ Does not rock the boat

B _____ Courageous B _____ Speaks openly and boldly
C _____ Has high standards C _____ Plays by the rules
D _____ Likes to talk D _____ Gets others involved

A _____ Friendly to others A _____ Wants others involved

B _____ Decisive B _____ Results driven
C _____ Wants order C _____ Difficult time deciding
D _____ Outgoing D _____ Optimistic

Add up totals for each and record in the box below.

TOTALS: A=□ B=□ C=□ D=□

 Moving from Me to We 15

FIGURE 2.3 TEAM Dynamics Personality Awareness Profile Graph

Directions: Mark your A total on the T line, B total on the E line, C total on the A line, and D
total on the M line. Draw a line to connect the dots. On the bottom, write your highest score
(the letter or name) next to the leading role, your second highest letter next to the
supporting role, and your lowest total next to the villain role.
48
47
46
45
44
43
42
41
40
39
38
37
36
35
34
33
32
31
30
29
28
27
26
25
24
23
22
21
20
19
18
17
16
15
14
13
12

Togetherness Enterpriser Analyzer Motivator

(A TOTAL) (B TOTAL) (C TOTAL) (D TOTAL)
Leading Role: ____________ Support Role:____________ Villain Role: _____________
16 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

trated and unhappy when they are not in control. Individualistic in nature,
Enterprisers live by the creed, “If you want to get something done, do it
yourself.” They like to get to the point and expedite results.

The Analyzer Axis—Accuracy

Analyzers desire precision and accuracy in all they do. They like a lin-
ear and predictable process and want to see compliance with process. Their
desire for accuracy leads to an intense desire to do things right.

The Motivator Axis—Energy

Motivators gravitate to where the fun and joy of life exists. They take a
more random, less predictable approach to life and have great amounts of
energy to burn. They love to be on the go, enjoy action, and like to be
around people who exude positive energy.

DEFINITION OF ROLES
There is a proper and an improper way to interpret your own or an-
other’s personality profile. The improper way to interpret a profile is to
look at the highest letter (in this case, T ) and assume that the Togetherness
profile description comprehensively defines the individual in question.
This sort of interpretation, while indicative of a personality tendency, can
oversimplify the individual’s personality.
The proper approach for interpretation (see Figure 2.3) is to look
closely at the top letter (leading role), the second letter (supporting role),
and the bottom letter (the villain role).
While some people will have just one definitive role (see sample), a ma-
jority of people will have two roles that stand apart. The most common com-
binations for leading and supporting roles are A–T (Analyzer–Togetherness),
E–M (Enterpriser–Motivator), T–M (Togetherness–Motivator), and E–A
(Enterpriser–Analyzer). See Figure 2.4.
The more uncommon combinations for leading and supporting roles
are E–T and M–A, which is the rarest combination. More information on
the dynamics of these combinations is covered in our section on sample
patterns. Following are definitions of the leading, supporting, and villain
roles that will help you to understand your own personality pattern and the
patterns of your clients, employees, and coworkers.
 Moving from Me to We 17

FIGURE 2.4 Sample Personality Patterns

Common Personality Uncommon Personality

Patterns Patterns

T E A M T E A M

T E A M T E A M

T E A M T E A M

Leading Role

Your leading role is the most reliable predictor of how you will act and react
on a daily basis. Your leading role can also be described as the comfort zone
for your personality.
If you are performing work or fulfilling roles that are congruent with
your leading role, you feel minimal stress. The opposite is also true, how-
ever. If your work requires tasks and playing roles that are not congruent
with your leading role, you will feel higher levels of work-related stress.
An example would be the person with a leading role of Analyzer being
in a position that required snap decisions. Another example would be
someone with a leading role of Enterpriser who has to deal with detailed
paperwork or slow and bureaucratic processes.
18 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Supporting Role

Your supporting role is the complement to your leading role and plays
a major part in your responses to stress and pressure.
For example, if your supporting role is Togetherness, you will tend to
seek cooperation, sympathy, and help when under pressure. If your sup-
porting role is Enterpriser, however, you will tend to become the rugged in-
dividualist under pressure.
The supporting role Analyzer will grow cautious and methodical, while
the supporting role of Motivator will raise your energy level and attempt to
coach and persuade others.

Villain Role

This personality style causes the most stress and tension in your life. Because
the level of this role is so low in your personality makeup, communicating
with and working with a person of your villain role is an unnatural process
for you.
Similarly, just as the individual you are working with fulfills your villain
role, you may also be their villain role. This helps to explain why commu-
nication and understanding can be such a strained process for two people
with opposing villain roles.
For example, if your villain role is Togetherness, you will become eas-
ily agitated with people who seek unnecessary approval and respond with
oversensitivity. If, on the other hand, your villain role is Enterpriser, you
will struggle with people who take charge and speak bluntly.
If your villain role is Analyzer, you will be easily annoyed by people who
are very cautious, slow down processes, and overthink every matter that
comes their way. Finally, if your villain role is Motivator, you will grow tense
around people who are talkative, effervescent, and impulsive.

PREDICTABILITY—SIGNIFICANCE
OF YOUR NUMBERS
The predictability of your personality or another individual’s personal-
ity hinges on the level of the numbers on the TEAM Dynamics grid. In our
sample in Figure 2.5, although both participants mapped out as high E,
there would be significant disparities in the predictability of their behavior.
 Moving from Me to We 19

FIGURE 2.5 Enterpriser Contrast

John Judy

T E A M T E A M
48 48

30 30

12 12

In this case, John (E-35) and Judy (E-44) could claim that their leading
role is E, but their work style and behavior will profoundly differ because
of the level of the Enterpriser element.
John’s style would be to take charge only when he felt the other person
or the group wanted him to. His leadership would be cooperative and em-
pathic in nature.
Judy, however, would most likely take charge regardless of what others
thought about it. In Judy, the E is a highly pronounced and definitive fea-
ture of her personality.
A 30 on any letter is the middle of the road, or equator, for that par-
ticular role. Once you get to around eight points higher or lower (38 or
more, 22 or less) on any letter, you will fall into predictable behavior and
response patterns.
Although there are four basic personality styles, each person is a unique
recipe of those four basic ingredients. Each of us has within us all four per-
sonality roles to some degree—whether high or low—and is capable of re-
sponding in each role when necessary.
For example, a person with a 16 on the Analyzer line will dislike detail
and usually avoid it, but they are capable of becoming quite analytical if
necessary. When sensitivity is called for, we can shift into the T side of our
personality no matter how low it may be. When results and action are
called, we can shift into our E mode. When caution and careful planning
are called for, we can shift into our A mode. And, when energy and opti-
mism are called for, we can shift into our M mode.
Having a high number in one or two personality areas is a clear indi-
cator of communication style and response to stress or pressure. One caveat:
Personality patterns are not a predictor of a person’s values, beliefs, or temperament.
20 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

POLAR OPPOSITES/ORIGINS OF CONFLICT

Much of the conflict we face is personality based. Our personality style
in large part defines how we view people and events and how we respond
to them. Two people of varying personality styles view a single set of events
and come away with completely opposite stories of what happened.
Many of the conflicts we face are simply rooted in personality differ-
ences. I am not wrong and you are not wrong—we simply perceive matters
differently than our clients and, consequently, have different sets of priori-
ties on how to resolve those conflicts.
Figure 2.6 illustrates the opposite polarities of the four personalities.
Ironically, it has been estimated that upwards of 75 percent of married cou-
ples are personality polar opposites. And why do we tend to marry our
polar opposites? Maybe at the time we were bored with our own personal-
ity and wanted to experience a different style. Then one day we wake up,
look at our polar-opposite mate, and say, “So, you’re going to be like this
everyday?”

FIGURE 2.6 TEAM Dynamics

T ip
TM M
sh Ra
on n
do
i
lat

m
Re

AT EM
Ro

lt s
ut

su

ne
Re
i

s
A AE E
Opposite Personality Polarities:
T vs. E A vs. M E vs. A
 Moving from Me to We 21

A monumental leap in our ability to resolve conflict is understanding

that much of our conflict is rooted in personality. People are simply fol-
lowing the blueprint of their own personality—just as we are.
Much of our disconnection with clients, the lack of cooperation, and
inability to persuade boils down to seeing matters from the other person’s
perspective. In the next chapter, “Understanding Your Personality DNA,” I
explain the strengths, challenges, areas of improvement, and common re-
lational liabilities for each of the four personalities. Once you understand
these factors, your EQ skills will improve as you begin reviewing liabilities
and viewing situations through the eyes of the client. The thought process
of moving from me to we begins by recognizing that, on the basis of core
personality differences, what works for me doesn’t necessarily work for you.
 3
CHAPTER THREE

UNDERSTANDING YOUR
PERSONALITY DNA
“An appealing personality is not something grafted on from

without. It is not like a coat of paint applied to a building or

cosmetics used on the face. It is expressed through the body, the

mind, the heart, and the spirit. Although some persons seem to

have been bor n with an exceptionally appealing personality, no one

h a s a m o n o p o l y o n i t .”

—EDITH JOHNSON

“Men have yet to lear n the value of human personality. The fact

t h a t a p e r s o n i s w h i t e , o r b l a c k , o r y e l l o w , o f o n e r a c e o r a n o t h e r,

of this religion or that—these things are not all-impor tant. It is the

h u m a n p e r s o n a l i t y t h a t s h o u l d c o m e f i r s t .”

— J O H N R . VA N S I C K L E

The Principles of Emotional Intelligence

• Developing broader emotional appeal hinges, in part, on personal-
ity self-awareness.
• Each of our personality styles has predictable strengths and challenges.
• Each individual possesses quirks of personality that can become re-
lational liabilities.

You and I have no more control over the way our personalities instinc-
tively react to people and processes than we do over the color of our eyes
or the shape of our noses. The same fact holds true for our clients and cus-
tomers. Every action, communication, and response is driven by our per-

22
 Understanding Your Personality DNA 23

sonality DNA—a psychological blueprint that directs temperament and be-

havior. This personality DNA plays a leading role in determining the types
of people and processes we are uncomfortable with. Once we come to an
awareness of our own personality DNA, we realize why we instantly click
with some personalities and clash with others. We also realize why some
processes drive us crazy, while we seem to revel in others.
The fact that our personality is blueprinted does not mean that we can-
not adjust our behavior, communication, and responses. In fact, becoming
aware of our personality DNA makes it easier for us to recognize where we
need to adjust. We need to throttle back certain aspects of our personality
when we are around certain types of clients, because those features will rub
them the wrong way. With clients who match our own personality style,
however, we need to let those particular features of our personality shine.
Awareness is needed in three specific areas.

1. Who we are
2. Who our clients are
3. The adjustments we need to make in our communication to build
better connections

Success comes when we are aware enough to recognize how our per-
sonality plays out to others and know how to temper the features of our
personality in given situations.
Emotionally intelligent individuals are highly cognizant of their unique
personality challenges and inherent relational liabilities. In relationship
building, this personal awareness is 80 percent of the battle. Many people
keep making the same relational errors over and over and just don’t seem
to get it. On the other hand, being aware of your personality DNA will pay
rich dividends, because it will help you play to your strengths, avoid your li-
abilities, and focus on the areas in which you can improve. Following is
such an agenda for each personality style.

THE TOGETHERNESS PERSONALITY

Strengths

The Togetherness personality (see Figure 3.1) has a feeling-oriented

mode of relating. They are always striving to keep consensus, harmony, and
teamwork. When conflicts arise, they are likely to play the peacemaker’s
role by saying, “Let’s please try to get along.”
24 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

FIGURE 3.1 Togetherness Traits

Strengths:
• Strives for cooperation and consensus
• Keeps everyone involved
• Peacemaker
• Kind and caring
• Supportive and encouraging
• Amiable/Tactful

Challenges:
• Wants to please everyone
• Has difficulty making decisions
• Has trouble standing up for feelings
• Easily offended
• Can be overly passive

Self-Improvements
• Stop apologizing for opinions/ideas
• Take events in stride
• Focus on handling criticism with more emotional detachment
• Make feelings clear
• Ask for clear directions

The Togetherness style is led by a sense of caring and constantly tries

to play the affirmer and encourager. Such people take a warm, personable
approach and strive to avoid offending others. They are by nature under-
standing and responsive listeners.
Togetherness people always try to show respect to others and expect
the same in return. They have their radar up for genuineness, sincerity,
and amiability—and tend to shy away from those who do not display these
characteristics.

Challenges

The Achilles heel of the Togetherness personality is the need to please

everyone. By Achilles heel, I mean an inherent characteristic of personality
that causes a high percentage of our personal stress and relational frustra-
tion. I know of one Enterpriser personality whose idea of a good practical
joke is to call a Togetherness friend at 9:00 PM and say that “so and so” is mad
at him. Because of his people-pleasing tendencies, the Togetherness per-
sonality won’t be able to sleep all night! Enterprisers, on the other hand,
would sleep like babies knowing someone was upset with them.
 Understanding Your Personality DNA 25

Because of the tendency of the Togethernesss personality to want to

please everyone, these individuals often have a difficult time making deci-
sions. They don’t want anyone to be upset with the decisions they make. They
also have trouble standing up for their own feelings. I often say (tongue in
cheek) that you can never quite trust the smiles of Togetherness clients be-
cause they can smile benignly at you—and simultaneously plan your assassi-
nation. They are unlikely to tell you how they really feel and are most likely
to tell you what they think you want to hear.
Following is a list of the common relational liabilities for the Togeth-
erness personality.

• People-pleasing tendencies
• Procrastination
• Aversion to candor and straightforwardness
• Oversensitivity
• Fear of rocking the boat
• Propensity for following the crowd
• Lack of assertiveness
• Overseriousness
• Need for constant affirmation

Areas for Improvement

One of the first areas Togetherness individuals need to work on is deal-

ing with issues in a more objective manner. They can bog down processes
by overplaying the consensus card or by letting themselves be too easily of-
fended. The Togetherness personality must learn to not take every dis-
agreement personally and try to handle criticism with a higher degree of
emotional detachment. A person’s comment may simply be about im-
proving the process—it’s not necessarily a personal attack. The Togetherness
person needs to work on stronger assertiveness skills. They often punctu-
ate their ideas with physical and tonal question marks, as if to say, “I’m
sorry . . . is it OK to say that?” They should practice speaking with more
conviction and resolve.

THE ENTERPRISER PERSONALITY

Strengths

The Enterpriser personality style (see Figure 3.2) is results oriented, and
their strengths reflect that dynamic. Enterprisers are competitive in nature,
26 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

FIGURE 3.2 Enterpriser Traits

Strengths:
• Results oriented
• Competitive
• Time-conscious
• Candid
• Risk taker
• Thrives on pressure

Challenges:
• Impatient with people and processes
• May compromise quality for speed
• Overly individualistic
• Can be abrasive/tactless
• Autocratic tendencies

Self-Improvements
• Show more patience with people/processes
• Articulate more encouragement and support
• Make sure others see ideas before moving
• Listen
• Get help for detail work
• Get others involved
• Treat people with respect

and they like to win. They are time-conscious and like to get as much done
as they can in as little time as possible. Consequently, they are quite good at
juggling projects and at multitasking.
Enterprisers are risk takers and agents for change. Their motto is, “If it
isn’t broke, break it. We’ve had it long enough.” Enterprisers tend to be in-
novative thinkers.
Another unique feature of Enterprisers is their ability to thrive under
pressure. Enterprisers excel in pressure-packed situations, whereas such
circumstances bring out tension and chaos in the other personalities. I
often tell audiences that if they are ever in a burning building, they should
follow the Enterprisers out, because they will find the most expeditious
route out of the building. You don’t want to follow the Togetherness indi-
viduals, because they’ll be apologizing to everyone that they aren’t leaving
with. You don’t want to follow the Analyzers, because they’ll be trying to ex-
plain the fire marshal’s code to the letter as well as lining up everybody in
alphabetical order. You definitely don’t want to follow the Motivators, be-
cause they’ll be cooking hotdogs and marshmallows and making signs that
read, “Burn, baby, burn!”
 Understanding Your Personality DNA 27

Enterprisers also tend to be practical, resourceful, and industrious.

Enterprisers simply want to get things done. Their emotional radar is look-
ing for both competence and confidence in the people they work with.

Challenges

The Achilles heel of the Enterpriser personality is impatience with peo-

ple and processes. Processes just never seem to move at the speed Enter-
prisers desire. Consequently, Enterprisers begin to get frustrated and begin
pushing harder. They tend toward abrasion, harshness, and tactlessness in
the name of, ”Hey, you wanted the truth, didn’t you?”
Because of their impatience, they often approach tasks in an overly in-
dividualistic manner, not wanting to be slowed down by indecisive people
and status quo protectors (think gatekeepers here). Enterprisers also tend
to be autocratic, because they are happiest when they are in charge. I asked
a group of Enterprisers why they felt the compulsion to take over every sit-
uation, and one member of the group answered in a quintessential Enter-
priser fashion, “Look,” he said, “I’ll make this real simple. People are sheep.
Get it?”
Following is a list of common Enterpriser relational liabilities.

• Bluntness/Insensitivity
• Impatience
• Autocratic manner/Condescending
• Lack of affirmative input
• Propensity for giving ultimatums
• Overly confrontational
• Misguided competitiveness
• Poor listening skills
• Compulsion for quick completion
• Frustrated with risk-averse personalities
• Sarcasm

Areas of Improvement

The Enterpriser needs to reach out and get others involved. As one
Enterpriser put it, “Being a rugged individualist can lead to a lonely exis-
tence.” Enterprisers would be wise to remember that although others may
slow the process, they may enrich it as well.
Enterprisers need to be careful to display more respect, tact, and diplo-
macy. Some things may be true—but are just not worth saying. They need
28 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

to soften the harsh and blunt nature of their communications. Enterprisers

need to help others see the vision before they move forward—offering
them the needed encouragement along the way (without sarcasm).
Enterprisers need remember that their multitasking often offends the
Togetherness personality, who prefers a more personal focus. Stories of fast-
moving, hard-charging sales professionals offending Togetherness clients
are manifold.
Finally, Enterprisers need to get help with the detail work, the small
stuff that makes big things happen. Enterprisers are most comfortable deal-
ing with the big picture and tend to become frustrated or negligent if they
do not get help with the small stuff.

THE ANALYZER PERSONALITY

Strengths

Analyzers are accuracy-oriented—they want to get things right (see

Figure 3.3). They are often the keepers of the coin purse and protectors of
the process in place. Consequently, they are sticklers for proof, data, and
evaluation. They tend to focus on facts about things and about people.
They are quality-conscious and have very high standards, first for them-
selves and secondly for others they work with. They have a hard time un-
derstanding people who don’t do their best to do things right.
It would be safe to say that everything as we know it in this world would
self-destruct if not for the Analyzer personality. They are the architects and
engineers who design, the specialized builders, the editors and specialists
that make sure things are done and made right. Without the Analyzers, we
would lose quality control.
Analyzers ask good questions, plan things out carefully, and are con-
scientious about following procedures. They are generally industrious and
tenacious and try to stay logical in their approach. The Analyzer’s emo-
tional radar is up for predictability and accuracy.

Challenges

The Achilles heel of Analyzers is their propensity toward skepticism.

Their skepticism serves them well in process development but not in the peo-
ple department. They are often guilty of “snatching defeat out of the jaws of
victory,” telling people how and why they will fail and who will be responsible.
 Understanding Your Personality DNA 29

FIGURE 3.3 Analyzer Traits

Strengths:
• Accurate
• Seeks proof and validation
• Plans projects in a step-by-step manner
• Focuses on facts
• Quality-conscious
• Sets high standards for self/others

Challenges:
• Tends toward pessimism
• Can be critical/Judgmental
• Has difficulty with spontaneity
• Rigid
• Suffers from paralysis by analysis
• Can be impersonal

Self-Improvements
• Open up to new ideas and ways of doing things
• Accept people for who they are
• Display more warmth and affection
• Restrain judgment
• Work on stress management
• Streamline communications

Analyzers also tend to be critical and judgmental. They see the world in
black-and-white and have little patience with those who meddle in gray areas.
Two words you never want to say to an Analyzer are, “Hurry up.” Neither
do you want to imply it. They immediately begin to suffer a condition
known as paralysis by analysis. Stress hormones freeze out their cognitive
abilities when their time frames shrink. They don’t believe you can do
something well and do it fast.
Analyzers also tend to be rigid in their approach. It’s difficult for them
to change their way of thinking. They work vigorously to defend their pres-
ent point of view and take a defensive tone when you try to bring change.
Analyzers can also be so consumed with facts, details, and processes that
they neglect being personable. As a result, relationships begin to suffer.
Following is a list of common Analyzer relational liabilities.

• Resistant to change/Slow to change view

• Pessimistic views
• Defensive
30 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

• Self-justifying
• Propensity for criticizing and judging
• Tension and loss of composure under pressure
• Intellectual arrogance
• Values processes over people
• Impersonal approach/appearance

Areas of Improvement

The greatest need for Analyzers is to increase their flexibility—both

with processes and with people. It is important to open up to new ideas and
new ways of doing things and not to panic when people or processes go off
the linear track. Many Analyzers need to work on their stress management
skills, because they tend to become quite tense and frustrated when mat-
ters exit the realm of predictability.
Analyzers often need to improve their people skills as well. They need
to remember that it is OK to smile, laugh, and show some enthusiasm. They
should work at restraining their judgment, accepting people as they are,
and displaying more warmth and affection.

THE MOTIVATOR PERSONALITY

Strengths

This personality style (see Figure 3.4) is quite common in the realm of
sales. Motivators are energy oriented. Because Motivators are social creatures
by nature, they like to deal with people who are fun-loving, flexible, and
friendly. They like to take a playful and random approach to life and projects.
Motivators enjoy conversing, mixing with people, persuading others,
and inspiring others toward their goals. They are naturally gifted at build-
ing excitement and enthusiasm. Motivators have a spontaneous nature and
have an easy time making changes in midstream. Motivators also like a lot
of variety and are easily bored with monotonous tasks.
Motivators are optimistic by nature and tend to see the possibilities
more than the obstacles in every situation. Because Motivators tend to have
their radar tuned to positive energy in others, they are quickly repelled by
criticism, skepticism, and cynicism. Motivators like to keep energy levels up.
Because they are naturally charismatic, articulate, and charming in their ap-
proach, their emotional radar is tuned to friendliness and flexibility.
 Understanding Your Personality DNA 31

FIGURE 3.4 Motivator Traits

Strengths:
• Enthusiastic/High energy
• Likes variety
• Tries to create an amicable atmosphere
• Persuasive/Articulate
• Spontaneous
• Laughs easily/Fun-loving
• Flexible
• Optimistic

Challenges:
• Impulsive
• Lacks discipline and follow-through
• Gets bored easily
• Can have several projects going at once, but few are complete
• Overlooks analysis
• Whimsical; may easily forget earlier commitments
• Overuses enthusiasm
• Has an aversion to small type

Self-Improvements:
• Plan and see projects to the end
• Be careful in making commitments
• Get organizational support
• Listen and restrain commentary
• Don’t take credit where it is not due

Challenges

The Achilles heel of Motivators is impulsiveness. They are often guilty

of leaping before they look. Many Motivators live by the motto, “Ready, fire,
aim!” They often pull the trigger prematurely. Contrarily, the Togetherness
personality’s approach would be “Ready, aim, fire, because that’s the way
you’re supposed to do it.” The Analyzer would say, “Ready, aim . . . aim . . .
aim . . . have we run this past compliance yet?” And the Enterpriser would
skip the “Ready” and just say, “Fire!”
Motivators often have trouble with freedom of thought (foot-in-mouth
disease) and blurt words out they later wish they hadn’t. This happens be-
cause Motivators literally think out loud. Motivators also tend to oversell
when under pressure, dominate conversation, and have trouble focusing
when someone else is talking.
32 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Many Motivators struggle with organizational and detail issues—they

have an aversion to paperwork and fulfillment issues. They like to start bet-
ter than they like to finish.
Motivators can also be quite whimsical, which leads to making prom-
ises and commitments they easily forget. This can and does lead to many
relational conflicts. Once conflicts arise, Motivators tend to avoid con-
fronting them.
Following is a list of common Motivator relational liabilities.

• Easily bored
• Impulsiveness
• Lack of follow-through
• Empty promises and shallow commitments
• Disorganization
• Flattery
• Aversion to confronting conflict
• Inappropriate speech/Obnoxious behavior
• Dominating conversations
• Overzealous appetite for attention and recognition
• Persuasive manipulation to achieve objectives
• Lack of discipline and self-restraint
• Taking credit for the work of others

Areas of Improvement

Motivators need to exercise discipline in fulfilling promises, sticking

with projects and tasks, and following through on communication. For
many Motivators, it would be wise to employ assistance with organization
and detail work.
Motivators need to think through their ideas before promoting them.
They need to be careful not to garner credit that should go to another per-
son. Motivators also need to concentrate on getting past image and pro-
jecting more sincerity with people.

READING AND ADJUSTING

In Chapter 18, “Developing Emotional Radar,” I discuss how to read vi-
sual and verbal signals to know exactly which personality we are dealing
with. Before we can adjust our communication to connect with each client’s
 Understanding Your Personality DNA 33

personality DNA, we must first learn the signals that tip off the specific per-
sonality style.
Emotionally intelligent sales professionals quickly learn to work on their
challenges and common relational liabilities—a descriptor for emotionally
intelligent behavior.
We are what we are, but we can adjust. In Chapter 19, “Shifting Gears:
Four Critical Selling Adjustments,” I discuss the personality “gears” we can
shift into to help customers feel comfortable in our presence. Once you mas-
ter this art, the rest is simply about helping your clients get what they want.

SELLING WITH EQ
• Emotionally intelligent individuals are aware of their inherent weak-
nesses as well as strengths.
• Through awareness and vigilance, emotionally intelligent individu-
als can keep their quirks of personality from mushrooming into
offenses.
• Emotionally intelligent individuals improve their emotional appeal
by checking their impulses of temperament.
 4
CHAPTER FOUR

CRITICAL MASS FOR

SALES SUCCESS
“Things should be made as simple as

p o s s i b l e b u t n o t a n y s i m p l e r.”

— A L B E RT E I N S T E I N

The Principles of Emotional Intelligence

• The intangibles in emotional makeup separate good producers from
great producers.
• Focusing on specific emotional factors can expedite the learning
curve to success.
• Teachability is the emotional feature that will help you surpass peo-
ple with superior talents.

I knew when I finished talking that this insurance executive was going
to either think I was completely mad or be ready to embark on a fascinat-
ing expedition. Before Larry Foster and I met face-to-face for the first time,
he had described in numerous conversations over the phone his frustra-
tions on how to help his people perform and produce at higher levels.
An enigma had been piquing Larry’s curiosity for many years. “Why,”
he wondered aloud, “do we get so easily fooled by applicants for sales po-
sitions into believing that certain types are going to be successful, and yet
a significant percentage of these people never fulfill their promise?” Part of

34
 Critical Mass for Sales Success 35

Larry’s problem was that he had been extremely successful in the sales field
(leading the nation in sales for seven consecutive years with his company)
and was consequently promoted to a regional management position. It
pained him to see people squander away their talents, skill, and training in
mediocre accomplishments. From this vantage point, he began to see a pat-
tern in unfulfilled potential that became a vexing riddle to him.
Like every company, Larry’s firm had a battery of written tests (per-
sonality, sales aptitude, honesty, etc.) they would give to applicants to screen
for the “right stuff.” Larry noted that these instruments were far from bul-
letproof and, in fact, when compared later with an individual’s actual pro-
duction in the field, showed a predictability rate of somewhere between 50
and 75 percent. This meant that somewhere between one-fourth to one-
half of the prime candidates had failed to produce as the written and in-
terview indicators predicted they would.
The next layer of frustration in his sale management efforts were
those individuals who possessed more than enough raw talents and skills
to succeed and were, in fact, somewhat successful, but who clearly were
not optimizing their talents. These people could be described as above
average and even good in their production levels, but they all possessed
the tools to be great. They were clearly underachieving, considering their
talents and potential.
Larry’s interest, as illustrated in Figure 4.1, was to discover and articu-
late the factors responsible for propelling people of equal talents to supe-
rior levels of production. Why are some people of equal talents consistently
great while others are consistently good? What features separate the con-
sistently good from the consistently average?
Larry was convinced that the interviewing and training processes could
improve, so he began looking for the attributes that caused individuals to
escalate beyond their peers. In his search for these attributes, he began to
look beyond pat answers like “superior work ethic,” “driven,” and “moti-
vated.” What exactly were these people driven and motivated by? What was
their work ethic rooted in? Were other important intangibles overlooked
because of the industry’s collective assumptions of the ingredients that
make a successful sales professional? Larry’s haunting suspicion was that if
they did not get better at identifying the intangibles, they would continue
to make the same recruiting, training, and managing mistakes.
This was the problem Larry presented, and I could only hope he would
have the imagination necessary to listen to the odd vantage point I hoped
to introduce.
36 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

FIGURE 4.1 Bridging the Gap from Good to Great

“RELATIVELY SPEAKING”
I suggested to Larry that his problem was an old one in the sales pro-
fession and that the chances were not good that we would come up with
any new answers by looking at it through the same old perspectives.
Sometimes the best way to assail an old problem is to attack it through a
new paradigm that, on the surface, seems disconnected but forces creative
thinking.
With this preface, I told Larry that I thought Einstein had solved his
problem long ago. I wish I had a photograph of the expression on Larry’s
face when I drew E=MC 2 on his marking board. Fortunately, Larry had the
patience and interest to hear out my loose interpretation of how Einstein’s
Law of Relativity might hold clues to his riddle. I told Larry that, in very
simple terms, Einstein explained for us how energy is created.

• E = Energy
• M = Critical Mass
• C 2 = Motion (in this case the speed of light squared)
 Critical Mass for Sales Success 37

If we were to translate this law of physics so it corresponded to the uni-

verse of sales, we would say that energy—or productivity—is the desired re-
sult, with two inputs—critical mass and motion. Training, motivating, and
managing people and their processes create activity—or motion. Most com-
panies invest the most time, energy, and resources in trying to create mo-
tion. While these areas are important, we need to pay more attention to
critical mass. If individuals are not working with the right stuff at the emo-
tional level, their efforts to produce more will frustrate both their employ-
ers and themselves—and not increase productivity.
The leading question needs to be, “What sort of critical mass are you
working with in the first place?” Does this individual have the psychologi-
cal and emotional makeup to succeed and be refined in the crucible of
professional sales? The heat of that crucible reveals what sort of critical
mass exists—whether it be dross or a precious metal. You can train, moti-
vate, and manage dross, but at the end of the day you will only have trained,
somewhat motivated, and frustratingly managed dross.
The attributes constituting the psychological critical mass needed for
sales success should be a starting point for producing results, not an after-
thought. A metaphor for the correct critical mass is: Rocks will always have
more impact than sponges, no matter how hard you push. From a sales
management point of view, the harder you have to push, the less likely it is
that you have the right critical mass to begin with.
Larry was intrigued with the idea of looking at an old problem through
a new lens—with E=MC 2 as our formula. We decided to study and define
the critical mass intangibles in the psychological makeup of top-level pro-
ducers that differentiated them from lower performers. After those fea-
tures were clearly articulated, we would compare them with the interview
tools the company was using. We would determine how well those tools
were geared for detecting critical mass attributes.
The question in both of our minds that begged for satisfaction was this,
“What intangibles constitute the gap between great and good salespeople?”

APPEARANCES CAN FOOL

Before we could get a handle on critical mass, we first had to determine
what it was not. We began by culling out the features in a sales professional
that companies look for but do not necessarily guarantee success. In Figure
4.2, I have listed the features that organizations look for in a hire.
If I described an individual who is sharp in appearance, possesses good
social manners, is intelligent and articulate, has an outgoing personality, is
energetic, is a hard worker, and on top of it all, has industry experience, we
38 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

FIGURE 4.2 Getting to the Core of Sales Success

would probably all agree that this person would make a good sales profes-
sional. What Larry and I discovered, however, was that these features often
prove to be red herrings, because a significant percentage of those in the
organization who possessed these desirable features failed to perform.
One way to explain this phenomenon of great appearances yet
mediocre performances is that attributes in the persona of success must
exist a layer below the surface of these descriptors. Otherwise, everyone fit-
ting this description would be a sure success. We surmised that these at-
tributes would probably not be as easy to describe or define, but we were
determined to try, because these attributes were the critical mass we were
looking for.

DEFINING THE ATTRIBUTES

Over a period of several weeks, Larry assessed the character, approach,
attitude, and behavior of each person in his division. The first layer of as-
sessment was concerned with those people in the top tier (top producers)
 Critical Mass for Sales Success 39

and was followed by assessments of people in the second tier (average-to-

good producers) and in the third tier (low-level producers) of perform-
ance. Descriptors related to organization, selling skills, product knowledge,
communication skills, and servicing standards were not included, because
these were viewed as trainable competencies. In searching for critical mass,
we were looking for features that were native to the individual—natural at-
tributes and competencies that cannot be taught (but can be encouraged).
The next step was to interview the subjects themselves. We began by in-
terviewing the salespeople in the top tier. We asked them to describe the
intangibles that made them successful in their careers. We then asked the
sales managers, who worked with them on an everyday basis, to describe
the intangibles for success they observed in these top performers. We did
not give the descriptors that Larry or the performers themselves had used
to describe their attributes. We encouraged everyone we interviewed to de-
scribe (in depth) the features that set each individual apart as a person and
as a performer.
After we received their feedback, we categorized the descriptions we
harvested into simple, understandable terms. We discovered that catego-
rizing their input was fairly easy to accomplish, because the descriptions
seemed to flow into four basic classifications. The four categories of critical
mass that emerged from these descriptions were:

1. Competitive drive
2. Achievementality
3. Teachability
4. Wit

In Figure 4.3, I have listed the various components that go into forging
each of these cornerstones for sales success. It is no secret that great sales-
people are competitive by nature, but the descriptions we heard of top
achievers demonstrated that there is more to competitive drive than meets
the eye.

Critical Mass Component #1: Competitive Drive

The ingredients we found that indicate a high level of competitive drive

include:

• Resourceful. Demonstrates competitive drive with limited resources

and limiting circumstances.
40 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

FIGURE 4.3 Critical Mass Components

E = MC 2
Energy = Critical Mass x Speed (of Enlightenment)

The Critical Mass Components

1. Competitive Drive
• Is resourceful (competes with circumstances)
• Loves to win / hates to lose (competes with others)
• Deals well with pressure (competes with stress)
• Possesses self-confidence (competes with self)
• Is resilient (competes with failure)

2. Achievementality
• Does their homework (about their company/industry)
• Desires to earn
• Stays focused
• Is goal oriented
• Takes responsibility / makes excuses

3. Teachability
• Desires to learn
• Desires to improve
• Teaches others
• Learns from errors
• Has awareness of knowledge needed

4. Wit
• Uses self-deprecating sense of humor
• Utilizes spontaneous wit (thinks on their feet)
• Diffuses tension
• Responds constructively to conflict
• Adjusts to difficult personalities

• Loves to win/hates to lose. Demonstrates desire and comfort in com-

peting with others.
• Good under pressure. Embraces competitive challenge provided by
stressful circumstances.
• Self-confident. Likes to compete with self (not to be confused with
“paper lion” characteristics such as smugness, arrogance, or conceit,
which are usually signs of chocolate-covered insecurity).
 Critical Mass for Sales Success 41

• Resilient. Takes a competitive posture toward failure, adversity, and

negative circumstances.

Critical Mass Component #2: Achievementality

This is a term we created to indicate the following emotional/psycho-

logical profile. The ingredients that make up achievementality include:

• Does homework. Initiates a rapid rise up the learning curve to expedite

success.
• Desire to earn. Often views earnings as measuring stick of progress.
• Focused/Goal oriented. Not easily distracted from goals by management,
adversity, and negative results.
• High standards. Has expectations for self and for treatment of clients
that transcends the status quo.
• Takes responsibility. Not programmed in a way that looks for excuses for
failing. Tends to view self as being in control of own destiny, in spite
of any obstacles.

Critical Mass Component #3: Teachability

The following features constitute teachability.

• Desires to learn. Applies self to the study of product, industry, and the
decision-making dynamics of clients.
• Desires to improve. Fanatical about personal growth and self-improve-
ment.
• Knowledge awareness. Understands the necessary issues for reaching
the next level of success
• Learns from errors. Views failures and setbacks as an experiment or
game and makes concerted effort to extract meaningful lessons from
those circumstances.
• Teaches others. Helps and teaches others (characteristic of true students).

Critical Mass Component #4: Wit

The final critical mass category represents the following features of

personality and makeup.
42 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

• Quick on one’s feet. Goes with the flow (not a slave to scripts) in regards
to the whims of the client.
• Self-deprecating sense of humor. When in error, beats others to the
punch (not given to oversensitivity and defensiveness).
• Humor/Humility connection. Does not take self too seriously; as a result,
enters into less conflict and is more skilled in managing conflicts.
• Ready wit, but prudent sense of humor. Diminishes tension and changes
perspectives with sense of humor (understands when and where
humor is appropriate).
• Adjusts to difficult personalities. Navigates around and through difficult
individuals by use of wit.

DRIVING SUCCESS FROM THE INSIDE OUT

Human resources expert Angie Koppen is convinced that companies
are being led down a path of disappointment when they focus all their ef-
forts on building competencies (specific skills). The rationale she offers is
that, while it is true that competencies can be taught, if they are taught to
an individual who does not possess the internal attributes that drive success
in that job, you are simply dressing up a pig for the dance. Koppen states,
“Success is driven from the inside out. Any model that does not first appraise
the internal attributes necessary to succeed in that specific career will fall
short.” What Koppen is referring to is critical mass—energy created by put-
ting the proper mass into motion.
Yet, how often have you seen this principle violated in the realm of pro-
fessional sales? I cannot count the number of people I have conversed with
who struggled in sales careers and have to face the reality that possibly they
do not possess the emotional critical mass necessary to succeed in this
realm. I specifically remember Bill, who had gone from being a counselor
to a sales professional, and was struggling with the competitive pressure
and productivity expectations. When I asked Bill why he entered a career
in sales, he told me, “I was burned out counseling troubled people. I
wanted to make more money, and I like being around people.” Some
friend of Bill’s had told him that he was a people person, a good talker, and
that he would do well in sales. Descriptors such as people person and good
talker are classic examples of red herrings that fool sales organizations.
Bill could be trained with sales skills and competencies until the world
ends. However, no training could erase the fact that his nature was averse
to swimming upstream in the competitive rapids of the sales profession. If
Bill had seen the descriptors of critical mass that are necessary for success
in the sales realm before he took the job, he quite possibly would have rec-
 Critical Mass for Sales Success 43

ognized that, although he was good in regards to teachability, and fair in

regards to wit, he was average at best in terms of competitive drive and
achievementality. This is not to diminish the importance of building com-
petencies but to emphasize that competencies are secondary in importance
to attributes.
In viewing these descriptions of the intangibles that constitute critical
mass, most sales professionals would instinctively agree that these personal
features are resident in the best of the best. The question is, “Can you suc-
ceed in sales without being brilliant in all four categories?” Without a
doubt, we believe you can. We found manifold examples of individuals who
were strong in two or three categories and were experiencing success. But
these same individuals were quick to admit that they could see how the
characteristics they were not particularly strong in had restricted their level
of success. Now they knew where to place their focus.
This awareness is the key to raising personal productivity. Recognizing
that success is driven from the inside out will help you to focus on the one
factor that is always in your control—yourself. Your personal productivity
increases as you put your critical mass into motion.
In the next chapter, I will discuss some of the ways that critical mass can
be applied to your sales organization on both a personal and a corporate
level.

SELLING WITH EQ
• Build success from the inside out. Focus on the internal attributes
that take you to the next level of success.
• Commit yourself to learning about your product, industry, and clients.
• Focus your competitive energy on breaking personal barriers. Go be-
yond expectations in all you do.
 5
CHAPTER FIVE

APPLIED CRITICAL MASS

“The doorstep to the temple of wisdom is the

k n o w l e d g e o f o u r o w n i g n o r a n c e .”

—CHARLES H. SPURGEON

The Principles of Emotional Intelligence

• Awareness of the critical mass attributes affects the success level of
sales professionals, which ultimately affects their sales organizations.
• Development of a system for recognition and application of the crit-
ical mass attributes helps individuals perform at a higher level.
• Recognition of the critical mass attributes helps sales organizations
do a better job of recruiting, training, and managing their people.

After seeing the dramatic impact of critical mass factors on individual

success, Larry and I became interested in the impact of these attributes
upon sales organizations. One issue we were curious about was how a criti-
cal mass deficiency affects the difficulty of a sales manager’s job. On the sur-
face, it would seem that if a sales professional was lacking in the critical
mass factors, that any person managing that individual would experience
some frustration.
To gauge the prevalence of this frustration factor, Larry and I decided
to ask the sales managers to rank the difficulty of managing each account
executive in terms of time required, messes they had to clean up, and the

44
 Applied Critical Mass 45

stress of dealing with this particular individual. The sales managers ranked
each account executive on a scale of one to ten with one being the easiest
to work with and ten being the most difficult. The purpose of this exercise
was to see if an account executive’s critical mass rating correlated with the
stress level related to managing this person.
Once we gathered this information, we presented all the criteria we
had compiled on critical mass for sales success. Each manager intuitively
agreed with the categories that were developed. We then asked the man-
agers to fill out a Critical Mass Report Card (see Figure 5.1) for each account
executive he or she managed. They were to rank each person subjectively
on the four categories of critical mass on a grade-point type scale. An A
equaled a 4.0, a B equaled a 3.0, etc.
The correlation we found was instructive but not surprising. In short,
we found that the person who scored as average in critical mass was twice

FIGURE 5.1 Critical Mass Report Card

Directions: Grade yourself (or your employees) in the four components of critical mass.
(4 is the highest—1 is the lowest). Add totals for each component and divide by 5 to find
out your Critical Mass GPA.

Competitive Drive Grade Achievementality Grade

1. Resourceful? 4 3 2 1 1. Does their homework? 4 3 2 1

2. Loves to win / Hates to lose? 4 3 2 1 2. Desires to earn? 4 3 2 1
3. Deals well with pressure? 4 3 2 1 3. Stays focused? 4 3 2 1
4. Self-confident? 4 3 2 1 4. Goal oriented? 4 3 2 1
5. Resilient? 4 3 2 1 5. Takes responsibility for actions 4 3 2 1
(doesn’t make excuses)?

Add total then divide by 5 _______ Add total then divide by 5 _______

Teachability Grade Wit Grade

1. Desires to learn? 4 3 2 1 1. Has self-deprecating sense 4 3 2 1

2. Desires to improve? 4 3 2 1 of humor?
3. Teaches others? 4 3 2 1 2. Thinks on their feet 4 3 2 1
4. Learns from errors? 4 3 2 1 (spontaneous wit)? 4 3 2 1
5. Is aware of knowledge 4 3 2 1 3. Diffuses tension? 4 3 2 1
needed for self-improvement? 4. Responds constructively to 4 3 2 1
conflict?
5. Adjusts to difficult personalities? 4 3 2 1

Add total then divide by 5 _______ Add total then divide by 5 _______
46 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

as difficult to manage as the person who ranked high in critical mass. In

fact, we later discovered that a low critical mass rating resulted in more
stress not just for the sales manager, but for the account executive as well.
It only made sense that low critical mass ratings would cause high degrees
of stress for individuals engaged in careers requiring psychological and
emotional intangibles that they did not come by naturally.
Our discussions of critical mass factors for sales success with groups of
sales managers provoked some interesting questions, including:

• Why don’t we pay more attention to these four attributes when we

are interviewing for sales positions?
• Wouldn’t it be helpful to make account executives aware of these in-
tangibles as keys to their success?
• Would it be helpful and instructive to have account executives fill
out a critical mass report card on themselves?

CHALLENGING OUR OWN ASSUMPTIONS

After we completed our E=MC 2 experiment, we had to decide what we
could or should do with the information and observations we had gath-
ered. The first thing we realized, by virtue of presenting this information to
others, was that one of our original assumptions when we began this study
was wrong. We commenced this experiment with the idea that the critical
mass intangibles we were looking for were organic in a person’s nature and
could not be taught. The reaction we witnessed with managers and account
executives taught us, however, that this was not so much a nature vs. nur-
ture issue as it was an awareness issue.
It is true that, by nature, some people are more competitive, achieve-
ment oriented, teachable, and more fluid of wit than others. But we also
noticed that once people became aware that these factors bred success, they
began to pay more attention to these factors and, consequently, improved
themselves.
We began to hear account executives make comments such as:

• “I really need to focus on lightening up in stressful situations and dis-

playing wit. I’ve got it, but I just never thought of using it in those
predicaments.”
• “I need to work on holding myself to higher standards and keep fo-
cused when things go wrong.”
• “I now realize that I have been so competitive that I became unteach-
able. I took input and criticism as a threat. I think my lack of teach-
 Applied Critical Mass 47

ability has held me back. I now realize that my desire to learn is just as
important as my desire to earn.”

Their comments convinced us of the value of this discussion on critical

mass for sales success. This information resonated at an intuitive level for
ambitious sales professionals. Awareness of the necessary attributes for sales
success challenged these professionals to look into their critical mass mir-
rors and identify the areas where they needed to focus—and the facts they
needed to accept about their personal makeup. These professionals also
recognized that their most successful peers were strong in all four suits of
critical mass intangibles. This experience taught people where to focus their
attitudes, thoughts, and emotional energies.

ALMOST FAMOUS
When we looked at the productivity charts, we noticed a number of tal-
ented individuals who kept bumping their heads against the top-level ceil-
ing. They were good performers, talented people, who just couldn’t seem to
get over the hump to the top level of productivity. Larry Foster and I wres-
tled away many conversational hours with questions as to why this was the
case. Were any of the critical mass components more important or more
often linked to top-tier success? We decided that we would go through a
process of elimination to answer this question.
We focused on the almost famous crowd—perennial members of the
Vice President’s Club. They were doing good, but not great. We reviewed
their critical mass report cards one by one to see if they were consistently
lacking in one field or another. In this review, our question about going
from good to great was answered.
Every person at the top or near-top had noticeable competitive drive.
All had, to varying degrees, the elements that make up achievementality.
The other two aspects, teachability and wit, were hit-and-miss. But we dis-
covered that teachability had a greater bearing on preventing an individual
from moving up. For example, we found people at the top who were not
necessarily strong in wit but made up for it with extreme strength in com-
petitive drive, achievementality, and teachability. We did not, however, find
people at the very top who were unteachable. The next layer down was
crammed with competitive and witty achievers who had hit a wall of
progress. Because of a lack of teachability, they had not—and would not—
address the issues and deficiencies that held them back.
The irony was that, because of their lack of awareness, they had no idea
if they were even teachable or not. They characterized their attitude and
48 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

behavior as “independent,” which really meant, “I don’t like listening to

other people,” or, “I’ve got my own way of doing things,” or, “I’ll figure it
out on my own.” More often than not, however, they were unable to “figure
it out on their own.”

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING TALENTED

AND BEING A CHAMPION
On a flight home from Detroit, I was seated next to a former coach of
the Detroit Red Wings, who now acts as a scout for the organization. Curious
about the critical mass components that a professional hockey scout looks
for, I asked what features were most important to him when considering a
top draft pick. I was intrigued by his answer.
He replied, “Like every other team, we’re looking for great athletes.
Great athletes are a combination of strength, speed, and agility. But to be
real honest with you, strength, speed, and agility are a dime a dozen. The
most important component for us is what I would call coachability. We have
seen too many kids who have all the physical gifts but won’t listen to coach-
ing. They have experienced enough success doing things their way that
they refuse to listen to anyone else’s way. If you want athletes, you recruit
strength, speed, and agility. But if you want champions, you recruit athletes
with coachability.”
The first idea that stirred in me from this conversation was a close par-
allel between the critical mass for sales success and the critical mass for ath-
letic success. Before the scout brought up coachability, he talked about
strength, speed, and agility. The strength of sales professionals comes from
their competitive drive. Their speed in achieving results is due to achieve-
mentality. The feature that enables us to wrangle out of difficult situations
is due to wit—intellectual and emotional agility.
What I found most amazing from his comments was that his organiza-
tion had come to the same conclusion that we had regarding the ceiling be-
tween good and great. There is no doubt that teachability (or coachability)
is the emotional hinge upon which the door of potential swings.

FINDING AND ADDRESSING WEAKNESSES

People at the top had, at some point in their careers, identified and ad-
dressed the weaknesses that were holding them back from fulfilling the
potential they felt within. It is worth noting that these individuals chose
 Applied Critical Mass 49

introspection over blaming others or external obstacles. This is the achieve-

mentality aspect—placing responsibility for success upon oneself. Some of
these people intuitively recognized their weak spots and sought out help.
Others, however, had their weaknesses pointed out by a manager or peer,
yet possessed the humility of mind (teachability) not to argue and get the
answers they needed to make progress.
Are you maximizing your potential? Or do you have this gnawing sense
that certain fields of weakness or ignorance are impeding your progress?
The teachable individual starts with this humble premise in mind and asks
himself, “What areas in my nature, personality, behavior, or professional ap-
proach could be holding me back?”
Following are some of the skills that are critical to success in sales. Are
there areas where you need help? If so, what have you done to address them?

• Breaking the ice with new prospects

• Organizational skills
• Managing paperwork
• Client research
• Competition research
• Product and industry knowledge
• Closing skills
• Negotiating skills
• Preparing presentations
• Delivering presentations
• Timely follow-through
• Dealing with conflict

KNOW WHERE YOU ARE WEAK

Only rarely does an individual master all of these fields of knowledge
and skill, but top producers seek ways to shore up their weak spots. This
augmenting process, more often than not, involves asking for help and en-
listing the services of others who can cover our liabilities. This, of course, is
not possible until we are keenly aware of our own weaknesses. Chances are
that a degree of on-the-job frustration and stress will take place before this
awareness arrives.
My brother Mark has been a sales professional for over 15 years. When
he first started selling specialty insurance products, he knew nothing about
the product, clientele, industry—or sales in general. The company that hired
him paid him the compliment of sending him to their worst-producing ter-
50 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

ritory in Peoria. He applied himself on the learning curve and hit the ground
running. Mark made a good living his first couple of years in the business but
felt a growing sense of frustration with the pace of progress in his career and
with the extraordinary demands on his time.
On a weekend visit with my brother, I asked him why he thought he was
feeling stressed. He immediately began to vent his frustrations regarding
the difficulty of seeing so many prospects, completing so much paperwork,
and making the President’s Club. He felt stressed about how to produce
more without killing himself in the process.
I felt stressed just looking at the disheveled piles of binders and pa-
perwork lying around his apartment! Mark admitted that he suspected or-
ganization was not his strong suit (noting that he had two colors of socks
on that morning, I was inclined to agree) and asked if I had any ideas on
how to organize his business to reduce the stress levels. I began immedi-
ately to inquire about:

• How far spread out geographically his territory was

• How much time the selling cycle took for each of the products he
sold
• What he tried to accomplish on a typical appointment

I guided the inquiry down this path because I had come to the conclu-
sion in my experiences as a counselor and then a consultant that a high de-
gree of stress that people experience in their lives can be traced back to the
manner in which they manage their time. When I asked Mark to describe
what his job felt like, he characterized it as “constantly putting out fires.”
Up to this point, he had convinced himself that there was no time to
get organized with such a busy and unpredictable fire-fighting schedule
(demonstrating how disorganization ultimately becomes its own excuse for
not taking time to organize). Mark had now reached the breaking point
where he was willing to confront head-on his personal shortcomings. At
this point, I decided to dive headfirst into the discombobulated bowels of
random activity that he liked to refer to as a “schedule.”
I asked him to describe in detail the past two weeks of his schedule. As
he recounted the past two weeks, I was grateful that I was sitting with my
brother and not a client—a client would not have been quite so forgiving
of the laughing fits I could not restrain. In his first day, he drove three
hours to an appointment. Two days later he drove down the exact same
road one-and-a-half hours to see someone he had driven by twice two days
before. This was just the beginning of a comedy of scheduling errors. One
month later, he was scheduled to go back to the client three hours away to
see someone else in the same business.
 Applied Critical Mass 51

There was no synchronicity between his management of time and ter-

ritory. The process was random, hinging on which fire needed to be put
out first. In other words, deadlines (renewal dates) were driving the entire
process. His stress was compounded by the fact that he didn’t usually be-
come conscious of the deadline until 30 days before it arrived.
After calling me a few expletive deleteds for laughing at his schedule,
he suggested we roll up our sleeves and figure out a more efficient method
for scheduling his business. After an entire weekend, we succeeded in
scheduling his business for the next year. We scheduled specific days each
week for setting appointments and calling on clients and prospects, leaving
ample time for process and paperwork. And, most important, he would no
longer drive right by potential appointments while traveling to meetings
three hours away.
Another important decision Mark made was to hire part-time admin-
istrative help to manage communication and paperwork. By the end of
our planning, Mark’s stress level had remarkably ebbed—his demeanor
showed it. What neither of us could foresee, however, was that the change
would soon be visible in his production. In the next year, Mark went from
the middle of the pack to number one in the nation for his company, and
he had the honor of receiving the first of what would be many President’s
Club plaques.
Here is a perfect example of how awareness and teachability can help
a sales professional take a quantum career leap. Mark possessed the inter-
personal skills necessary to succeed in sales but needed help on the process
side. Mark’s teachability kept the door open for him to improve and move
to the next level in his career. Just as important as facing his weakness was
the step of hiring help to handle the things he hated doing.
While this book deals with some of the interpersonal issues mentioned
in the list of necessary skills, there will be other skills for which each of us
will need to seek help. Being teachable includes a willingness to admit
where we need help as well as a willingness to seek out the help we need.

INTERVIEWING FOR CRITICAL MASS

Larry was convinced that his company’s interviewing and screening
process was hit or miss in regards to detecting critical mass attributes.
Consequently, we developed interview questions for each cornerstone to
hone in on an individual’s competitive drive, achievementality, teachability,
and wit. Figure 5.2 shows the questions we developed for picking up on the
attributes that comprise critical mass.
52 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

FIGURE 5.2 The Critical Mass Interview

Component 1: Competitive Drive Component 2: Achievementality

Question: Describe your life in college. Question: Tell me everything you know
What did you do when money was tight? about this company. (does homework)
(lifestyle / resourcefulness)
Question: What is the most money you have
Question: Have you ever won a contest? made? Why only that much? (desire to
Tell me about it. (desire to win) earn)

Question: Tell me about a time when your Question: What did you like least about your
back was truly against the wall. How did you last job? How did you stay focused?
handle the situation? (dealing with (staying focused)
pressure)
Question: Tell me about a significant goal
Question: There are only 9 of these jobs in you’ve achieved in your life. How did you do
my region and 190 in the country. Why it? (goal oriented)
should you have it? (self-confidence)
Question: In your life, tell me of a goal you
had and did not achieve. Why? (taking
responsibility vs. making excuses)

Component 3:Teachability Component 4: Wit

Question: What subject would you like to Question: If I told you that I changed the
learn about? Why haven’t you yet? title of this job to “Big Dope,” tell me why you
(curiosity, desire to learn) would qualify for it. (self-deprecating sense
of humor)
Question: Tell me about an area you were
not good at on your last job. How did you Question: If you were giving a presentation
overcome it? (desire to improve) in front of a client and five key decision
makers, and your crown fell out on the
Question: Tell me about an area in which table, what would you do? (spontaneous
you taught others how to improve a process wit/thinks on their feet)
or do a job better. (has taught others)
Question: The first client you visit tells you
Question: Tell me about a big mistake you to “Get out!” and that your company is a
made. How did you work it out? (learns from piece of crap. How do you respond?
errors) (diffusing tension)

Question: Talk to me about one subject you

know the most about. (knowledge
awareness)
 Applied Critical Mass 53

APPLYING E=MC 2
An entire book could and may one day be written about how these crit-
ical mass factors relate to sales success. For the discussion of emotional in-
telligence, I felt an introduction to the concepts was imperative for the sake
of awareness. Sales professionals who want to succeed can only focus on
success factors when they become aware of them.
Those of you who have experienced success in sales intuitively recog-
nize that these critical mass components are the same factors that have
made you successful, although you may not have used the same terminol-
ogy to describe these attributes. Hopefully, reading about these attributes
affirms what you already knew at the gut level.
If you have felt frustration with moving to the next level of success, it is
my hope that learning about and applying the critical mass attributes de-
scribed in this book will open a pathway of awareness, helping to transport
you to that next level.

SELLING WITH EQ
• Make a total commitment of internal and external resources to make
yourself as successful as possible.
• Address every weakness in your approach, career plan, and organi-
zation.
 6
CHAPTER SIX

HOTHEADS AND
SEEING RED
“ M o s t p o w e r f u l i s h e w h o h a s h i m s e l f i n h i s o w n p o w e r. ”

—SENECA

The Principles of Emotional Intelligence

• Recognition of the brain’s emotional circuitry can help us control
negative emotions.
• Restraint is the necessary skill that keeps us from sabotaging our suc-
cesses and relationships.
• Those who lack restraint suffer amplified effects from anger, stress,
and frustration.

Lester’s grip was tight around the steering wheel; in fact, he gripped
the wheel as if it were sitting in proxy for the neck of his client, whom he
wanted to choke right now. His boss had been on him to start collecting on
delinquent accounts. This large account was much needed revenue for the
first-quarter sales goals. The client had been continually putting him off,
and today, Lester was in no mood for another lame explanation.
Lester marched directly to the owner’s office and, muffling his frustra-
tion, asked the assistant if the check was ready. The owner’s assistant replied,
“I think he said he could give it to you in two days, because he has been
waiting on an account payable that is late.”

54
 Hotheads and Seeing Red 55

At this, Lester snapped, “This is getting ridiculous! How many stories do

I have to hear about this damn check!” As he was venting, Lester was trying
to stop his tongue from moving but couldn’t. He flushed with both anger
and embarrassment that he had blown his fuse at someone who was power-
less to change the situation. To make matters worse, Lester looked to the
right—and there was the owner, standing in his doorway, staring directly at
him. Lester tried to apologize but he knew the damage had been done.
Three months later, the owner canceled his business.
Lester’s lost account was a casualty of what author Daniel Goleman
termed the “amygdala hijack.” The amygdala is the emotional center in the
brain that, when overloaded with emotion, can trigger an irrational, emo-
tive response. Who doesn’t have a hundred stories of words or actions de-
livered in the heat of passion that we later recall with embarrassment and
regret? Our personal memory banks are stocked with radical examples of
such incidents.
It is in these moments—where impulsivity overrides rationality—that we
do the most harm to ourselves and to the people and things we care most
about. For example, one person says something he shouldn’t to someone he
truly cares about. Another breaks something that she treasures. Another be-
gins to spiral into some sort of self-destructive behavior. All have temporar-
ily been taken hostage as their brains suffer from emotional overload.
Goleman compares the amygdala to an alarm company that stands ready
to send out emergency calls to the police, fire, and ambulance crews. Once
an alarm is sounded, such as anger or fear, urgent messages are dispatched
to every other part of the brain. The body’s fight or flight hormones are se-
creted, the motion centers are put on alert, and the cardiovascular system,
muscles, and gut are tensed. Other circuits send out a flow of norepineph-
rine, which makes all senses more alert and literally sets the brain on edge.
The heart rate and blood pressure escalate and breathing slows, while the
face muscles are locked into a frozen posture animated by the emotion that
triggered the response. We all know what happens at this point: we either say
or do something we will soon regret, or we catch ourselves in time and make
the conscious decision not to respond irrationally.
Neuroscientist Joseph Ledoux was the first to discover the “electronic
backroads” in the brain that lead to the amygdala hijack phenomenon—
popularly known as “losing it.” Ledoux discovered that when your brain re-
ceives information through seeing or hearing, information is sent along
different pathways within the brain. The main path the information travels
on is toward the neocortex, where we can begin to process the information.
What Ledoux found was a “neural back alley,” where the information
reaches the emotion center before it has a chance to be fully processed in
56 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

the neocortex. The result? We act before we think. When we react to the
impulsive emotion in the amygdala, we spring into action before the cere-
bral side of our brain has a chance to deliver a more rational battle plan.
Soon after we act out impulsively, the cerebral sends a map showing the
pothole in the road that we have already fallen into. Now we feel shame
along with our anger.
The functions of the amygdala are quite useful when we are in a threat-
ening situation that requires an instinctive reaction—where stopping to
think would cause further harm. For example, we see a car heading for a
child and, without thinking, spring into action or scream out. But we are
disserved by the amygdala when we allow it to act when we really need to
be thoughtful.

WHAT DOES THIS REMIND ME OF?

“I used to get really upset when I would pose a question to
someone and the person would roll his eyes up to the ceiling. I
would start turning red and flushing and feel like my head was
heating up. One day after this happened in front of a client, I
started analyzing why I reacted like this. I realized that whenever
people rolled up their eyes, it reminded me of my father who used
to roll his eyes up as a way of telling me that my question or com-
ment was stupid. Consequently, I flushed with anger because I felt
self-conscious and stupid every time it happened. One day I was
reading an article about body language and learned that a lot of
people roll their eyes to the ceiling when they are in deep thought.
My client didn’t think my question was stupid, he was just thinking
about it!” —Rachel C., Account Manager

Many of the emotionally charged reactions we experience are the re-

sult of emotional information stored in our amygdala from early experi-
ence. If, for example, a tattooed young man driving a red pickup truck
once tried to drive you off the road, your amygdala will send a surge of rage
every time you see a tattooed young man, a red truck, or that particular
stretch of road.
One part of your brain, the hippocampus, remembers the exact context
of the incident, while the amygdala remembers the emotion of the incident.
In Rachel’s account, she was simply reacting to an emotional souvenir from
her past. The problem was that the context was completely different, and
her emotional memory failed to recognize this fact. Goleman calls this phe-
nomenon the “out-of-date neural alarm.” The amygdala associates one ele-
 Hotheads and Seeing Red 57

ment of what is happening now with something that happened long ago,
calls it a match, and frantically demands that we react now the way we did
in the past. Goleman described it as a “sloppy circuit,” because it calls for ac-
tion before full confirmation of the facts. This is partly what we mean when
we talk about the difficulty of communicating with people carrying emo-
tional baggage.
If I were walking down the street and saw an old high school classmate,
one part of my brain would tell me who this person is, while the amygdala
would remind me that I didn’t particularly like this individual. Some peo-
ple have trouble because they advertise these emotions when they feel them
and consequently begin heating up and seeing red. When the emotional
part of our brain offers us an emotional souvenir, we need the necessary re-
straint to keep from speaking, reacting, or displaying that emotion with our
facial or body language.

THE BORDER PATROL

Now that we have identified the chief cranial culprit—the amygdala—
we need to be aware of the restraint mechanisms for keeping its influence
in check. When you get an emotional signal for an anxious, impulsive re-
sponse, one that demands immediate outlet, be assured that the amygdala
has hatched the plan. The other end of our emotional brain, however, has
a switch that dampens the fires of rage and reaction. This area is right be-
hind the forehead and is called the prefrontal lobes. I like to think of it as
the emotional brain’s border patrol—keeping offensive actions and words
in check. Maybe this is why people are often seen tapping their foreheads
when trying to regain emotional composure. They are trying to kick the
border patrol into action.
For example, a coworker walks up to you and offers an unsolicited cri-
tique of your work. Your amygdala suddenly registers all the emotions re-
lated to previous offenses from this individual and rants for you to give her
a piece of your mind right here and now. What keeps you from doing it?
The prefrontal border patrol arrests the perpetrating words or rebuttal—
often just in the nick of time—and begins to file a report on the ramifica-
tions and emotional complications such a reaction would initiate. If you
listen at this point, the report will become all the clearer as the emotional
fog begins to lift. You then display a proper and controlled response and
walk away from the offending party.
Some readers at this point are thinking, “Yeah, that sounds great. I wish
it happened that way more often. But the fact is, I often find myself saying
or doing before the border patrol can stop me.” The first key to restraint is
58 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

being aware of what is happening in your emotional circuitry, and the sec-
ond key is waiting long enough for the border patrol to help you out of the
situation. Your brain is designed to help you through these situations, if you
restrain your initial impulse.

“When an emotion triggers, within moments the prefrontal

lobes perform what amounts to a risk/benefit ratio of myriad pos-
sible reactions, and bet that one of them is best. For animals, when
to attack, when to run. And for we humans . . . when to attack,
when to run—and also when to placate, persuade, seek sympathy,
stonewall, provoke guilt, whine, put on a façade of bravado, be
contemptuous, and so on . . . through the whole repertoire of emo-
tional wiles.” —Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence

THE ONE-MINUTE EMOTIONAL MANAGER

Our emotional systems are designed to feel and navigate the correct
course through our feelings. We have problems when we respond without
restraint. This impulsivity soon becomes a pattern of public performance
that is repeated over and over to the same poor reviews, resulting in both so-
cial and self-condemnation. In the next chapter, “Six Seconds of Sabotage,”
I offer ideas on how to manage that critical time frame between the amyg-
dala getting hijacked and the border patrol making the official arrest.
A switch in the left side of the prefrontal lobe has the ability to turn off
negative emotional surges. We simply need to allow the initial rush to pass,
giving this switch time and permission to activate. This switch is like the cor-
rective parent that reprimands childish tantrums and suggests more ap-
propriate responses. The success of the reprimand hinges in large part on
the history of training with the child. If we have a history of spouting, vent-
ing, reacting, and making hair-trigger responses, the child—amygdala—
will be more difficult to train.
Responsibility follows awareness in the necessary disciplines of emo-
tional intelligence. In the case of restraint, responsibility is defined as ac-
cepting actions and reactions as something we are responsible for. Restraint
is an area where many people try to avoid or resist responsibility, because
they have ample opportunity to point to those who provoked the negative
emotions and place the blame on their shoulders. As long as people look
outwardly for excuses, they lack the discipline to restrain self-sabotaging
behaviors.
Assuming that we accept responsibility for what we do and say when
our amygdalas undergo a temporary hijacking, we must install a short-term
 Hotheads and Seeing Red 59

management system for controlling our worst negative impulses. I’ve met
many people who, excelling in the skill of restraint, use clichés or acronyms
as the first step in their emotional management system.
For example, the HALT acronym taught by Alcoholics Anonymous rec-
ommends restraint, especially in times when we are hungry, angry, lonely,
or tired. This is a wise impediment to emotional impulsivity, as we are all
emotionally vulnerable in these states.
I remember golfing with a fellow who was playing horribly but display-
ing extraordinary restraint, and I asked him, “How do you keep your cool
so well?”
He answered, “Whenever I feel the urge to blow up, I remember my
ABCs—attitude-behavior-c ontrol. My attitude will affect my behavior. My
behavior will affect my control. Once I lose control, I have no hope of fix-
ing the problem, and I end up embarrassing myself.”
I got the feeling as he explained his restraint model that he had learned
this lesson the hard way.
We all need to find a way to keep our hands on the emotional steering
wheel when our emotions are raging and disturbed. Control in the first mo-
ments is critical to a safe landing. This section of the book will discuss mech-
anisms for dealing with disturbing emotions, managing stress, and keeping
our perspectives through emotional upsets. Prior to setting these mecha-
nisms in place, each of us must discover our level of awareness in the form
of an “amygdala checkup.” Once you identify specific arenas of emotional
vulnerability, you are halfway home to forming the habit of restraint.
Take a moment to complete the Restraint Rubric in Figure 6.1. This
tool will help you identify the types of upset to which you are most vulner-
able. In the next chapter, I discuss how to keep your anger from escalating
into danger during the “Six Seconds of Sabotage.”

SELLING WITH EQ
• When upset, remember what is happening at a chemical level in
your brain and how vulnerable you are at that moment.
• Give yourself ample time to allow your emotional border patrol to
kick into action.
• Develop a focus thought that you can utilize for your cooling off
period.
60 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

FIGURE 6.1 ARROW Restraint—The Self-Control Rubric

Directions: Read each statement and circle the number that best describes you.

When someone is annoying me, I . . .

1 2 3 4 5

Give them a piece of my mind Walk away

When I am angry, I . . .

1 2 3 4 5

Start yelling and acting out Get alone and process

When I am stressed, I . . .

1 2 3 4 5

Take it out on others Create a plan to resolve situation

When others reject or ignore me, I . . .

1 2 3 4 5

Become depressed Consider it their loss

When confronted with rudeness, I . . .

1 2 3 4 5

Become rude with them Stay calm; fix problem

When confronted with aggression, I . . .

1 2 3 4 5

Raise the aggression level Diffuse the situation

When confronted with blame, I . . .

1 2 3 4 5

Immediately defend myself Hear out accusation,

calmly explain perspective
 Hotheads and Seeing Red 61

Directions: Read each statement and circle the number that best describes you.

When I feel an impulse to buy, I . . .

1 2 3 4 5

Buy it now Give myself time to think it through

When I get an impulse to act out negatively, I . . .

1 2 3 4 5

Remove myself from the circumstances Go with the moment

When presented an opportunity for quick gain, I . . .

1 2 3 4 5

Jump on it Seek counsel

When it comes to delaying gratification, I . . .

1 2 3 4 5

Usually give in Can easily discipline self

When I feel underprepared, insecure, or incompetent, I . . .

1 2 3 4 5

Bluff my way through it Ask for help or more time

Add Total:

12 18 24 30 36 42 48 54 60

Victim of the Hands on the Emotional

Amygdala Hijack Steering Wheel
 7
CHAPTER SEVEN

SIX SECONDS OF SABOTAGE

From Anger to Danger

“The verbal expression of animosity toward others calls

for th cer tain hor mones from the pituitar y, adrenal,

thyroid, and other glands, an excess of which can

c a u s e d i s e a s e i n a n y p a r t o f t h e b o d y .”

—DR. S. I. MCMILLEN

“ A n g e r i s n e v e r w i t h o u t a r e a s o n , b u t s e l d o m a g o o d o n e .”

—BENJAMIN FRANKLIN

The Principles of Emotional Intelligence

• Understanding the physiology of anger can help us wait out the
chemical storms that arouse irrational and irritated responses.
• Taking responsibility for our anger leads to taking responsibility for
our reactions.
• Developing a “diffusion response” allows our body chemistry to reg-
ulate and keeps us from embarrassing responses.

Lynn was driving down the road for a visit to a top account when her
cell phone rang. It was her manager, Victor, reminding her for the fourth
time that she needed to push harder with this account on a new product
offering. He told her if she got the account, it would give a good bump to
her numbers for the quarter.
Lynn listened as long as she could to his redundant, sermonic spiel,
and then her frustration came spewing forth, “*&^%$$# it, Vic, this is not

62
 Six Seconds of Sabotage / From Anger to Danger 63

the type of account you push on. Go sell it yourself if you’re so good at
it. And cut the crap about being concerned about my numbers, it’s your
%$^&^##$ numbers you’re concerned about, not mine!” Just then she saw
the traffic stopped dead in front of her. She slammed on her brakes and
missed backending the BMW in front of her by an inch.
Her entire body started shaking. “I’VE GOT TO GO!” she yelled into
the phone and turned it off. She pounded the steering wheel over and
over, cursing herself, “You #$%^^ idiot! You ^%$%$& idiot!” When the
light turned green she pulled her car over into a vacant lot and tried to
process what had just happened to her. This kind of thing didn’t happen
to her that often, but it happened too often for her own good.
She tried to sort out the many layers of anger she was feeling. She was
angry with the client for not giving her a chance to propose this idea. She
was angry with her boss for his self-centeredness and his haranguing ap-
proach to solving this problem, but, most of all, she was angry with herself
for losing control. She pondered the damage she had done to her chances
for a promotion—which only increased her self-loathing.
“Just get a grip,” she told herself and picked up the phone to try to
make amends with her boss.

FAST AND FURIOUS

We have all experienced these embarrassing moments when after the
dust settles, we shake our heads and ask, “Why did I do that?” We need to un-
derstand that our emotional system operates with much more rapidity and
certainty than our rational system. In fact, brain research indicates that our
emotions get about a six-second head-start on our rational functions. As we
have all discovered, a great deal of damage can happen in those six seconds.
While the rational mind offers a deliberate analysis of the situation, the
emotional mind works in a more streamlined and simplistic manner. The
time between feeling the negative emotion and the eruption can be almost
instantaneous. The emotional mind will react to first impressions and mo-
bilize us to respond, without taking time to question the need for reaction
or reflecting on how to react. Although every person can express this quick
and sloppy response, most have learned degrees of restraint—often through
embarrassing trial and error.
To stay in control of anger, rage, and hostility, it is important to develop
three levels of awareness.

1. Be aware of the body’s automatic electrochemical responses when it

senses a threat.
64 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

2. Be aware of the physical signs indicating we are vulnerable to anger

at the moment.
3. Be aware of responses that have worked in the past for diffusing the
chemistry of anger.

Anger can be brought on by any number of annoyances or perceived

threats. The shoddy emotional response thinks nothing of swinging at an
expensive vase to kill an annoying fly, or of pounding the horn and shak-
ing a fist at a clueless driver, or of giving verbal ventilation to every agitated
thought. Restraint alone keeps us from harming property, others, and our-
selves with hair-trigger reactions. Restraint, however, is no mystery. Restraint
is the awareness (and regulation) of what is going on inside us, where the
dangerous impulses can lead, and how to escape the angry rush.

PHYSIOLOGY OF ANGER
How aware are you of what is happening with your body when you are
caught in the emotional spectrum between annoyance and anger? Try to
answer the following questions about how your body responds to disturb-
ing emotions.

When I am agitated or annoyed, I . . .

• Tap on the table
• Shake my leg up and down
• Purse my lips
• Narrow my eyes
• Pace the floor
• Breathe long and drawn out
• Breathe short and fast
• Bite my lip
• Grind my teeth
• Clench my fists
• Tighten my grip (on steering wheel, etc.)

When I am really angry . . .

• My stomach tenses
• My stomach hurts
• My head heats up
• My head hurts
• My neck stiffens
 Six Seconds of Sabotage / From Anger to Danger 65

• My ears flush
• I experience dizziness, disorientation
• I sense certain muscles tensing up
• My breathing becomes difficult
• My eyesight is affected
• My hearing is affected
• My hands ball up
• I feel the urge to hit, kick, or throw things

In unscientific terms, what is happening in your brain and body is a lit-

eral heating up. A rush of chemicals brought on by rage triggers physical
responses throughout the body. The chief trigger for anger is the sense of
being endangered. This can be brought on by an outright physical threat
or by a symbolic threat to our dignity or self-image. Typically, these threats
are felt when we are treated rudely, talked down to, insulted, ignored, pa-
tronized, or subjected to any other action implying we are not important.
For the sake of restraint, we must try to understand that these auto-
matic chemical responses—designed to protect us—can do us great harm
when misapplied. We are simply experiencing the arousal of the catechol-
amine and adrenocortical systems (chemical reactions) in our brains, and
if we recognize this fact, we can wait it out and rise above it. The first phase
of the emotional rush to overcome is the initial six-second rush—the time
between information reaching the emotional control center and, later, the
rational control center.
Brain researcher, Dolf Zillman, in The Handbook of Mental Control, ex-
plained that the first rush gives us a huge energy lift to prepare us for a “vig-
orous course of action.” This rush can last for minutes and prepares our
bodies for a quick fight. The answer here is simple: do or say nothing until
your body’s chemistry normalizes.

ANGER’S SECOND WAVE

After the initial rush of emotion, our rational processes surface, and we
begin to think of ways and reasons for cooling off. During this period of
thought and analysis, however, we continue to feel the resurgence of heated
emotions demanding an outlet in action. During this period, the brain
arouses the adrenocorticol system and keeps us in a state of readiness to fly
off at the slightest provocation. This is why we are much more vulnerable
to a fit of rage if we have been previously irritated or provoked by another
situation beforehand. For example, normally you might not be angry with
your kids being loud and silly, but if you had a stressful day at work, your
66 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

brain’s chemical system is in a readiness state. You are now in a perfectly

vulnerable spot for an emotional hijacking.
This second rush can be more difficult to deal with because it can last
for days—if we continue to ponder the thoughts and circumstances that
provoked the reaction. I can remember situations that caused me to feel
angry for days at a time, from my first waking moment to my last. It was not
until I could find some perspective, which allowed me to view the situation
through another lens, that the anger’s chemical train was derailed. This ex-
plains why it is so vitally important to talk out frustrations and hostilities
with a trusted friend. The input friends bring can help us change our focus
and, subsequently, the chemistry that upsets our body and emotions.
Get in touch with what your body is telling you. Anger is not only bad
for relationships, it is harmful to your body. If you feel symptoms in your
body, then your chemistry is screwed up. Your chemistry is screwed up be-
cause your thoughts are feeding that chemistry. If you continue to focus on
your anger, you perpetuate the overdose of stress chemicals in your system
and open the door to a thousand physical maladies. Don’t wait for radical
signs to do something about it.
I clearly remember a personally alarming incident regarding the ef-
fects of anger upon my body. I had to confront an employee who was en-
gaging in some inappropriate behavior. I had warned him before, and now
I had to give a stern and final admonition. I was so angry and stressed about
this situation, that during the encounter I began to experience what I
thought at the time was some sort of hallucination. The person I was talk-
ing to began to appear like he was far away from me. I couldn’t figure out
if he looked like he had shrunk or if he looked like he was a hundred yards
away. At that moment, I thought I was losing my grip.
I later asked a doctor friend if he could explain this phenomenon to
me. He informed me that all manners of strange events can occur when a
body is overstressed. He informed me that what had happened to me was
a buildup of abnormal pressure on my optic nerve, resulting in an optical
illusion. I realized then and there that I needed to take responsibility for
learning how to manage my anger so that I could prevent these emotions
from overwhelming my system.

“YOU MAKE ME MAD!”

As long as we allow ourselves to blame someone else for how we feel,
we will excuse our anger and deprecating actions. If, on the other hand, we
“own” what goes on in inside of us and accept total responsibility for those
feelings, we are then able to respond in new ways. We literally become
 Six Seconds of Sabotage / From Anger to Danger 67

“response-able.” Great freedom comes when we are willing to own our own
thoughts, feelings, words, and emotions. We become free to choose our
own actions and reactions.
How many times have we played the “dumb and dumber” game? “You
spoke rudely to me, so I’m going to show you what real rudeness looks
like!” “I see your hostility and raise it by two units!” Our dumb and dumber
reactions show that we are as guilty of a lack of control as the person we
are angry with. It has been said that we are only as big as the thing or per-
son that makes us angry. How then can we measure up? By taking respon-
sibility for our reactions—no matter what sort of provocation may precede
them. My actions are mine. Your actions are yours. I’ll be responsible for
my behavior.
“So and so makes me angry every time he opens his mouth.” Does he?
Or does “so and so” arouse the anger response in you, and you yield to it?
The old lesson about using I statements to own your anger applies here. Not,
“You make me mad,” but, “I feel angry when I hear you say . . .” The bot-
tom line is: I allow you to make myself angry with you. I own that reaction. If
you struggle with that sort of emotional responsibility, then you are saying
that, in your particular situation, anger is the only possible response. There
is no situation where anger is the only possible response.

CANCELING DEMANDS

“A n g e r i s t h e c u r s e o f i n t e r p e r s o n a l r e l a t i o n s .”

— H A R R Y S TA C K S U L L I VA N

Author David Augsberger postulated, “Freedom from being dominated

by anger begins by tracking down the demands made on others. Recognizing
them, admitting them out loud, speeds up the process of owning the anger.
One has the choice: (1) to negotiate the demands that matter or (2) to can-
cel the ones that don’t.”
If Augsberger is correct, then we can cancel out a large portion of the
anger we carry by simply canceling out the demands we carry on others.
Anger is a demand. I may “demand” that a client hear me, or respect me,
or use my suggestions. I may “demand” that my boss see my worth or rec-
ognize my accomplishments. Simply cancel the demands, and the anger
goes with them.
Emotionally intelligent individuals recognize that, although they cannot
control their emotional systems’ initial reactions, they can control and regu-
late subsequent reactions, thereby modulating their bodies’ anger/chemistry
68 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

system. Or, in other words, what they say will either cool the chemical effect
or cause the pot to boil over.

THE VENTING MYTH

“In the midst of great joy, do not promise anyone anything. In the

m i d s t o f g r e a t a n g e r, d o n o t a n s w e r a n y o n e ’ s l e t t e r.”

—CHINESE PROVERB

“One day I was playing golf with a client, and he started stewing
on the first tee box when he saw that we had a rather methodical-
looking threesome playing in front of us, and we were a twosome in
a cart. Sure enough, by the fourth hole we were waiting for them on
every shot, and they didn’t have the good sense to ask us to play
through. Finally, my client could take no more and yelled, ‘Could
we please play through!’ with his hostility barely concealed. They let
us play through, and my partner was cursing them under his breath
all the way up the fairway. After that he couldn’t hit a shot to save
his life, and the last five holes were a disaster.” —Roy G., Bank
Representative

In the 1970s, venting therapy was a fad of psychology. During that time,
my family began having some problems. My parents brought us all into the
psychologist’s office where we were supposed to vent our real feelings—
which we did—and we walked out hating each other’s guts. Modern psy-
chology eventually learned a lesson that venting (as a remedy) is a fallacy.
The deception of venting, or telling someone how we really feel, comes
from its seductive effect that it does make us feel better for the moment.
However, venting only serves to heighten the agitated state and to increase
the adrenal poisons already coursing through the system.
Researcher Diane Tice has found that ventilating anger is actually one
of the worst ways to cool down. The outburst of rage pumps up the emo-
tional brain’s arousal, leaving people feeling more angry, not less. Tice
found that venting anger typically prolonged the mood rather than ended
it. She found that people were far more effective in confronting the of-
fending party after they had a chance to cool down.
If we speak when our anger is heightened, we put much at risk. While
we do succeed in “getting it off our chests,” we redirect these poisons to the
stomach, heart, muscles, and blood. The worst times for expression are when
we feel extreme emotions like anger. If we were all given the opportunity
 Six Seconds of Sabotage / From Anger to Danger 69

to undo some of the words we’ve spoken, almost all would probably choose
to undo words spoken in anger.
I once read a news story about a man who was challenged by a student
while teaching an anger management course. An argument ensued and
then a fight. The teacher of the course ended up killing the challenger in
the fight. Amazing ironies result from misdirected emotions. William Arthur
Ward advised, “It is wise to direct your anger toward problems, not people.
To focus your energies on answers, not excuses.”

THE RARE REACTION

“ T h o s e w h o f l y i n t o a r a g e a l w a y s m a k e a b a d l a n d i n g .”

—ANONYMOUS

Anyone we allow to anger us can conquer us. So it was the client’s fault.
He did or said the wrong thing. Why should you or I let it ruin our day or
week? Anger is the result of brain chemistry that we allow to enter, build,
and eventually boil over. We have the ability to refuse anger when it knocks
at the door. A friend offered this advice, “When you feel the slightest anger,
count to ten slowly and then speak. If you’re really angry count to a hun-
dred slowly and then don’t speak at all.”
If we learn the rare reaction—the unexpected response—we can raze
emotional molehills before they turn to mountains. At the very moment
someone criticizes our work, points out our errors, or wrongly accuses us, we
can choose a course of reaction that results in either hurt feelings, deep-
ened misunderstanding, and soured relationships—or clearing the air and
developing a new level of respect. The common response is to stand our
ground and vent our feelings because “We have a right to be angry, don’t
we?” Yet how often has the exercise of that “right” to be angry brought us em-
barrassment and regret? We can all look back at our overreactions and blush.
The rare reaction is to not provide a fight when clients or coworkers
expect one. They want a tug-of-war but find they are the only ones holding
the rope. We have the chance to calmly answer, “Let me look into it,” “I can
see why you’re upset,” or, “Let me figure out what to do, and I’ll get back
to you.” These responses give both ourselves and our critics time to diffuse
the anger—and are guaranteed to catch our accusers and critics off guard.
Sometimes we win by losing. Martial arts expert and actor Chuck Norris
tells the story of sitting in a small Texas bar and having a beer in a corner
booth. A large man walked up and told him that this was his booth. Norris
didn’t like his tone or his implicit threat, but he said nothing and moved to
70 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

another booth. The big fellow started coming toward Norris again. “Here it
comes,” Norris thought, “a local tough guy out to make a name for himself.”
When the man arrived at the new booth, he said, “You’re Chuck Norris.”
Norris nodded.
“You could have whipped me back there, why didn’t you?” he asked.
“What would it have proved?” Norris asked.
The man thought it over for a moment and then offered his hand. “No
hard feelings?” he asked.
“None,” Norris replied, and shook his hand.
In his book, The Secret Power Within, Norris wrote, “Not only did I avoid
a confrontation, I made a friend. I won by losing.”—The Daily Dose
The chemistry of anger compels us to fight. The emotionally intelligent
individual lets this chemistry subside until a more rational path of action
can be chosen. If we feel competitive toward our adversaries or agitators, all
the more reason to keep our cool and avoid the six seconds of sabotage. As
football coach Lou Holtz put it, “You’ll never get ahead of anyone as long
as you try to get even with him.”

SELLING WITH EQ
• Pay attention to your body’s signals telling you that anger is gaining
the upper hand.
• Own your reactions. Don’t blame others for anger getting the best
of you.
• Release the demands you are making on others that cause you to feel
persistent anger.
 8
CHAPTER EIGHT

THE VIRAL SPIRAL

OF EMOTION
“K e e p i n g o u r d i s t r e s s i n g e m o t i o n s i n c h e c k i s

t h e k e y t o e m o t i o n a l w e l l - b e i n g .”

—DANIEL GOLEMAN

The Principles of Emotional Intelligence

• Once we express a negative emotion, it takes on a life of its own, over
which we have no control.
• Anticipating the ramifications of negative emotions will hinder their
expression.

TELL THEM HOW YOU REALLY FEEL

Trevor’s index finger hung ambivalently over the send button. He sensed
that this e-mail, once sent, could take on a life of its own. He felt that what
he was saying needed to be said. He had turned down some pretty good of-
fers to come to this company. He’d taken this job because the territory was
close to home and he would be selling a product he had confidence he
could sell. But things had changed in the two years since he’d arrived.
In his first year, he led the division in sales. He was promptly rewarded
with a cut in pay! This grated on him every working day. The next year he
persisted and had another very good year. His reward? They chopped up

71
72 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

his territory and gave away some of his best accounts. By now, this situation
was eating away at him like an emotional cancer.
His relationship with his boss was one of hide-and-seek. Trevor would
try to seek him out to tell him how he felt about the situation, and his boss
would find clandestine means of avoiding him. So Trevor decided to send
an e-mail to air out his feelings. He told his boss how he felt the company
had screwed him over and taken away his motivation. He talked about the
great opportunities he had turned down elsewhere. He closed by saying he
felt like things needed to change for him to be happy. He was confident the
company needed him because of the great relationships he had built—that
fact alone gave him permission, in his mind, to send this message.
He had been relishing the thought of writing and sending this e-mail
for weeks. The very idea had become a reservoir of energy for him. He
pounded the send button, leaned back in his chair, and almost immediately
felt a sense of dread come over him. He had trouble sleeping all weekend
and into the next week as he waited for some response—but none came.
Trevor’s boss read the e-mail and then forwarded the e-mail to his boss,
who promptly asked him to come in and talk about Trevor. He told Trevor’s
manager that he thought Trevor was a malcontent, a loose cannon, and an
ingrate, seeing as he was making twice as much money now as he had be-
fore he came to this company. He instructed Trevor’s boss to start looking
for a replacement as he expected any day to find out that Trevor had gone
to the competition. Thus, the snowball started rolling.
Within a month (of eerie silence for Trevor), his company came and
offered him a “new” position with less pay and a different territory. They
said that they were making changes with the sales structure in his division.
By this time, the markets had started their meltdown, and other companies
had put a freeze on hiring. Trevor eventually took a job for two-thirds the
pay with another firm. End of story.

THE PRICE WE PAY

Trevor’s situation indicates a lack of emotional intelligence (one to
which we are all susceptible at times) that initiated a downward spiral of
events.

• His lack of resilience within the context of changing conditions at

his company caused him to get trapped in a bitter state of mind, in
which all he could think about were the negatives of the situation.
• His need to vent his feelings made him an undesirable to his boss
who worked hard to avoid him.
 The Viral Spiral of Emotion 73

• Not knowing how to diffuse the negative emotions led to a volcanic

eruption in the e-mail he sent. Leading up to that point, he had
cherished the idea of airing it out, but once it was done, he sensed
he had done the wrong thing.

What Trevor essentially created was a viral spiral of emotion. In Chapter

15, “Winning the Emotional Tugs-of-War,” I discuss how to create a “conta-
gion” of positive emotion (how a positive state literally infects others). First,
we must deal with the negative side of this emotional principle—negative
emotion, once expressed, spreads beyond our control like a virus. Emotions
literally have a viral quality to them. Once people figure out that we possess
emotional toxicity, they begin to avoid us for fear of infection.
Figure 8.1 shows the downward spiral effect that takes place with the
expression of pent-up negativity.
First, we feel a particular emotion. This emotion may have been build-
ing up over time, and we may have considered a number of ways of ex-
pressing this emotion.
Next, the emotion is articulated in words or animated in behavior. We
have let the proverbial cat out of the bag. And, like a trapped cat, the be-
havior that results is reminiscent of hissing and clawing.
Finally, the spiral descends toward the impact our words and actions
have upon our audience and us.

THE “IRE” EXTINGUISHER

None of us wants to build a reputation as hostile, whining, negative, in-
appropriate, temperamental, complaining, pessimistic, abrasive, or any
other low-EQ label. To avoid such labels requires that we find a way to turn
down the heat before emotion reaches the boiling point. Clients can provide
opportunities for us to feel anger and frustration when they:

• Look you in the eye and lie

• Insincerely play you against the competition
• Insult you by asking for too much
• Resist needed change because of their pride and ego

Your home office or support staff provides opportunities for you to feel
anger and frustration when they:

• Fail to follow through in a timely manner, which makes you look bad
• Do sloppy work
74 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

FIGURE 8.1 The Viral Spiral of Emotions

A sense of self mastery, of being able to withstand the emotional

storms. Individuals with restraint are those who are able to control
their negative emotions, and not act or react inappropriately in
situations. “Keeping our distressing emotions in check is the key
to emotional well being.”
(Goleman, Emotional Intelligence p. 36)

Im
pa
ct
o n o t h er s

Be
h a v io r

Em
o t io n

• Fail to grasp the importance of a particular task

• Say or do things that hurt good client relationships
• Fail to give you proper or timely information
 The Viral Spiral of Emotion 75

When these annoyances are repeated, we are most tempted to blow up,
air it out, or get it off our chest—or any other pseudonym we choose to mean
relinquish restraint. These reactions rarely extinguish our ire but rather fan the
flames of our wrath.
“Ire” extinguishers are especially effective for those times when you are
hot under the collar. It is important to utilize your emotional fire-fighting
equipment before your anger burns out of control. Anger researcher Dolf
Zillman found that when your anger is stoked, there is a window of oppor-
tunity for de-escalating, when you can reappraise the situation, try to under-
stand why the individual is acting the way he is, and choose not to retaliate.
This is your window out of the burning building.
By ignoring this reappraisal, you stoke the anger within and quickly reach
a point that Zillman refers to as “cognitive incapacitation”—where you liter-
ally can no longer think straight. We have all experienced this paralyzing ef-
fect on our rational senses when we allow our anger to build. At this point, the
adrenal cortical chemicals are about to take us on a bad trip. Any mitigating
information that tries to enter our thought processes at this stage is dismissed
with cursing and logic such as, “That’s just too damn bad. They asked for it!”
At times like these, it is most helpful to have a succinct thought or
image that immediately dams the rising tide of stress hormones. For ex-
ample, the image of a stoplight is used to teach middle-school students how
to manage anger (simple enough for adults who are about to have a tantrum,
as well). It goes like this.

• Red light 1. Stop, calm down, and think before you act.
• Yellow light 2. Say the problem out loud.
3. Set a positive goal.
4. Think of a number of solutions.
5. Think ahead to the consequences.
• Green light 6. Go ahead and try the best plan.

Simple, elementary-level thought and straightforward imagery like a

stoplight are exactly what we need on the cusp of cognitive incapacitation.
When we develop a new matrix of thought that predicts the emotional
injuries and offenses that stir us into action, we give ourselves reasons to prac-
tice restraint. The viral spiral is stopped before it ever gains momentum.

THINKING IT THROUGH
Emotionally competent individuals learn to diffuse the building nega-
tivity as well as attempt to predict the emotional outcomes of their poten-
76 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

tial words or actions. Typically, this contemplation will be enough to deter

negative expression. Some individuals—and we all know a few—have de-
veloped a pattern for negative self-expression and subsequent self-loathing
that they cannot seem to break. They lack the diffusion techniques and the
rational matrix for predicting the outcome of their actions.
Walk yourself through the matrix (in Figure 8.2) of thought regarding
an emotion that sometimes gets the better of you.
Typically, these behavior patterns will repeat themselves, until we give
our brains a new way of processing the negative emotional information.
Thinking through the relational/emotional consequences helps us to rec-
ognize the impact that spiraling emotions have upon our relationships.
The synapse system of the brain (the process of connecting one thought
to another) will continue to drive us down the same negative response path,
until we establish a new and better experience with that particular situation.
Once we respond differently—and feel a new and better emotion—our
synapse system will offer the new response the next time we face the same
circumstances. When we say, “If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll
keep getting what you’re getting,” we are referring, to a degree, to this emo-
tional system and the habits we form in negative situations.
We can either blame our response on what happened, or we can
choose to practice restraint and master our emotional environments. Once
the emotional fog settles, we can walk through the rationale of:

• “What is this emotion I’m feeling?”

• “What am I tempted to do or say at this point?”
• “What will be the emotional impact on the other party?”
• “Do I really want that impact to take place?”
• “How will this negative expression affect my view of self?”

SELLING WITH EQ
• Count the costs before you tell anyone how you really feel.
• Recognize the viral effect of negative expression and protect your
reputation as a positive influence.
 The Viral Spiral of Emotion 77

FIGURE 8.2 The Viral Spiral—Thinking It Through

Directions: Think of an emotion that often/frequently/at times gets the better of you.

1. What type of situation causes you to feel this emotion?

2. How do you typically respond to this emotion?

a. My tone becomes _____________________________________________________
b. My body language is ___________________________________________________
c. I say ________________________________________________________________
d. My behavior is to ______________________________________________________

3. What do you think the emotional impact is on . . .

a. Those you are angry with?

b. The spectators watching the situation?

c. Yourself—three to four hours after the dust has settled?

 9
CHAPTER NINE

HOW TO PREVENT AND

CONTAIN NEGATIVE
OUTBURSTS

The Principles of Emotional Intelligence

• Distraction and diffusion are keys to containing negative emotions.
• Learning to take emotional responsibility helps to de-escalate nega-
tive impulses.

“I’ve always had a problem with becoming sarcastic and con-

descending when I am upset with someone. I knew it was a nega-
tive pattern and destructive to relationships, but I couldn’t seem to
contain it in the heat of battle. One day I saw a mature colleague,
who was being confronted in a tense situation, calmly put his hand
to his chin, get up, and walk away saying, ‘Hmmm, I need to think
about this.’
“I observed this and thought, ‘If that had been me, I would
have torn into that ignoramus on the spot.’ I later asked my col-
league about it, and he said, ‘Like you, I thought of some clever re-
torts and put-downs, but I’ve found that there isn’t much percentage
in speaking them out loud. I always put my hand on my chin be-
cause it reminds me to think—and I just walk away and tell myself
to try to find the humor in the situation. Then, when I’m in a bet-

78
 How to Prevent and Contain Negative Outbursts 79

ter state, I come back to sort things out.’ After I heard this, I started
mimicking his response . . . and you know, it works!” —Jack K., Sales
Representative

In her book, Living Your Best Life: Discover Your Life’s Blueprint for Success,
Laura Berman Fortgang says that “Blowing your stack spells trouble, but
that doesn’t mean you have to be a doormat.” She offers some tips for using
your wrath to fuel positive changes.

• Repress and respect yourself. When you lose it, people lose respect. Count
to 100, take some deep breaths, go for a walk, talk to a friend, write
it down and throw it away, or go play a sport. Do whatever, but do not
open your mouth.
• Think of constructive feedback to give to the person who made you mad.
Mistakes and faults are the result of certain strains in their lives. Help
people find solutions instead of rubbing their noses in problems. In
this way, you are helping them build the strengths they lack.
• Examine yourself. Do an honest assessment of why you are angry. Was
it something that the person did or said? Maybe it is not really about
the person. Maybe you are angry with yourself, your situation, or some-
one or something unconnected to this person or situation.
• Use a gentle tone. A soft answer turns away wrath. The controlled, sooth-
ing tone works wonders in an emotionally charged atmosphere to
calm the turbulent seas of anger.

CHILL TACTICS
A century-old discovery of anger research is that one of the best ways
to cool off after our rage is triggered is to cool off physically by waiting out
the adrenal surge in a setting where the rage will not experience further
provocation. This is why a walk in nature is so effective. I built a waterfall
in my backyard because I found that the sound of running water causes a
lucidity of thought that helps me when I am writing. A side benefit I dis-
covered was its calming effect when I am having a stress-induced or anger-
induced adrenal surge. Ten to fifteen minutes in the presence of the sound
of running water soothes the storm in my emotional brain.
Zillman’s anger research also revealed that distraction is a powerful
mood-altering device, because staying angry is hard when you start having a
pleasant time. The challenge is to allow your anger to cool enough to be
able to have a pleasant time. Just as distraction is the chief tool of the magi-
80 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

cian in fooling his audience, so it is your chief tool in fooling your emotional
brain back into a state of calm.
We all should have a “designated driver”—a mechanism for calming
down—when we are under the influence of an adrenal surge. How do we
bring ourselves back to a state of calm? How long does it typically take? An
hour? A day? We must discover this mechanism for ourselves and have a
plan rehearsed, or we will end up driving off the road in some relationship
that matters to us. As a side note, it is worth noting that a police officer
friend informed me that the most dangerous drivers on the road are not
the drunken ones but the angry ones. So, if your mechanism for cooling
down is to take a drive, it is advisable to find an alternative. There are prob-
ably better ways to cool off than getting behind the wheel of a two-ton ma-
chine capable of going over 100 miles per hour.
Rehearse your de-escalation plan by filling out the Chill Chart in Figure
9.1.
I believe in preparing and rehearsing responses for challenging emo-
tional situations for the simple reason that it is very difficult to do the ra-
tional thing in the heat of the moment. As our systems heat up, our logic
can deteriorate quickly into a tit-for-tat mentality.

CULPABILITY CONTAGION
The other day, at a business meeting, I asked an associate about a mat-
ter that I thought I had asked her to resolve for us. She responded by say-
ing, “No, you didn’t!” and began telling me the facts as she saw them. Others
were watching our conversation and waiting for what they thought would
be the inevitable argument over who was supposed to do what.
I thought about her version of the story and realized that she was cor-
rect, so I said, “I’m sorry, I was wrong.”
One observer in the office asked, “What did you just say?”
“I was wrong,” I answered.
“Excuse my shock,” she said, “but I don’t hear too many people say
those words.”
“Well,” I assured her, “I’ve had plenty of opportunity to practice, hav-
ing been wrong so many times.”
Why are the words, “I was wrong,” so hard to speak? Are we afraid this
will be news to anyone? The more easily we admit our wrongs, the quicker
we will be at fixing the situation. The best way to make things right is to be
at ease admitting, “I was wrong.”
I have noted that anger commonly builds in a predicament where the
blame game is being played. I don’t know too many people who actually
 How to Prevent and Contain Negative Outbursts 81

FIGURE 9.1 Chill Chart

1. When I am at my angriest, I cool down by . . .

_____ Taking a long walk
_____ Exercising (type of exercise__________________________________________)
_____ Writing down my thoughts and feelings
_____ Talking to a friend
_____ Engaging in a hobby (type of hobby___________________________________)
_____ Listening to music
_____ Other (__________________________________________________________)

2. When my anger is peaking, it typically takes me ________________________________

(minutes/hours/days/weeks/other) to cool off (anger/danger ratio).

3. The first physical signs that alert me to an adrenal overflow are:

______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________

4. The individuals whose actions provoke this adrenal rush in my system are:
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________

5. Thought(s) I can focus on to keep my system calm when encountering these individuals
is (are) (write thought(s) that help you to better understand their behavior):
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________

enjoy admitting they are wrong. Such an admission is challenging both to

the emotions and intellect. A hallmark of emotionally intelligent individu-
als, however, is their ability to admit the slightest degrees of culpability in a
problem as a means of starting a daisy chain of admission. I have witnessed
this phenomenon again and again.
Typically, when there is a problem, people become defensive and men-
tally rehearse their rebuttals, which inevitably lead to arguments, disagree-
ments, and anger. This chain of hostility is easily broken when an emotionally
intelligent leader says, “Well, I know I have some responsibility here in that I
82 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

should have . . .” This gesture then gives permission to others to do the same.
Will everyone be a willing participant in this process (including the most
culpable individual)? Probably not—especially those who desperately lack
EQ. But in such a case, their culpability is readily demonstrated by their lack
of participation in the culpability contagion.
Many of the issues that stir up anger are based on miscommunication.
Communication implies that at least two individuals are involved—one per-
son intended to send a message, and another intended to receive. It does not
always go as planned. We are often distracted and hurried and do not clearly
and patiently communicate or listen to the message. This is why culpability
can often be legitimately shared in miscommunication. If someone fails to
act on our message, we must first look at the clarity of the message we sent.

SEEING THE “SPECK”

Introspection—looking at ourselves before we judge others—is the cor-
nerstone of awareness upon which restraint is founded. The famous
Biblical metaphor, about taking the log out of your eye before removing
the speck out of your brother’s eye, speaks of this sort of awareness. We can
prevent viral spirals of emotion in our lives and businesses by first asking
what role we played in contributing to the problem and, secondly, by ana-
lyzing why we allowed ourselves to become so upset. While we cannot stop
the angry thoughts from coming, we can keep them from taking up per-
manent residence. The mouth—and the discipline to focus on ameliorative
thoughts—is the steering wheel that controls the brain’s anger chemistry. As
I heard a preacher put it, “You can’t stop birds from flying overhead, but
you can stop them from building nests in your hair.”
In the next chapter, we begin to unravel the stress mess that each of us
wrestles with on a daily basis.

SELLING WITH EQ
• Delay your response until you’ve found a constructive way to re-
spond to a negative behavior or outburst.
• Refuse to play the blame game. Fix the problem—instead of the
blame.
 10
CHAPTER TEN

SOLVING THE STRESS MESS

“R e s o l v e t o b e t h y s e l f : a n d k n o w t h a t h e

w h o f i n d s h i m s e l f , l o s e s h i s m i s e r y .”

— H A N S S E L Y E , M D , The Stress of Life

The Principles of Emotional Intelligence

• The first step toward avoiding stressed-out reactions is predicting the
environments that chronically trigger stress.
• Our evaluations of events have more to do with personal stress than
the events themselves.
• Certain personality types are more susceptible to experiencing and
transferring high stress levels.

LOOKS LIKE TROUBLE

Stress is any type of action or situation that places conflicting or heavy
demands upon a person. Stress is any situation that chronically irritates or
upsets a person. Do these two definitions sound like a typical day at work to
you? Or a typical day at home? Or both? If so, you may need to focus your
emotional faculties on getting on top of the stress mess.
Author H. Norman Wright, in his book, Helping People in Crisis and
Stress, writes that there are three elements in stress: the environment, the

83
84 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

evaluation of the environment, and the reaction of emotional and physio-

logical arousal.
All a person has to do to become stressed out is believe that negative con-
sequences will result from a certain environment or situation. The appraisal
of the environment or situation becomes a ramp for the physical and emo-
tional arousal. Although we would like to blame the event, person, or envi-
ronment for the stress we feel, we ultimately are forced to look within, at our
own appraisal habits, to see the blueprint for stress in our lives.
The first principle for managing stress is to take personal responsibil-
ity for the ways we appraise and react. This principle could be articulated
as “I am the issue.” The way I interpret negative situations. The way I re-
spond to environments that don’t please me. The way I manage to com-
municate with individuals who provoke a stress response in my system.
Do you feel a constant sense of urgency and hurry? Is there an under-
current of tension in your words? Are you often frustrated about getting
things done? If the answer is yes, the reason is stress.
Despite the daily to-do lists, deeper, under-the-surface stressors could be
causing us to live in a chronically tense state; we don’t feel valued by our
company or supervisor; we are continually given more responsibility but not
necessarily more training or pay; and we often feel a sense of job insecurity.
Add to this that many people are feeling stress at home because of financial
issues, insufficient personal or couple time, and/or children’s behavior.
These environments cause stressors to multiply at the rate of microbes.
But our levels of stress depend on how we personally appraise our situa-
tions and how we decide to respond emotionally and physically. While the
stresses we face are common, our methods for dealing with these stresses
vary from person to person.

PREPAID INTEREST
I once heard stress defined as “interest paid on trouble before it is
due.” Many people have trouble comprehending that by worrying and
stressing, they are paying out emotionally for that which they do not owe.
Stress, being rooted in worry and anxiety, often assumes the absolute worst
outcome as a starting point for appraisal; as a result, their reaction is over
the top emotionally.
My boss looked at me funny. Oh no, my numbers haven’t been very
good this month. Maybe he’s going to tell me something. What if. . . ? Why
did we buy this house . . . and car. . . ? I shouldn’t have left my last job. What
was I thinking? What if my wife gets fed up and leaves with the kids? What
am I going to do?
 Solving the Stress Mess 85

This is the sort of stressed-out, anxiety-driven thought process we can

go into all on account of a funny look from the boss who may have just
been grimacing because of gas. This appraisal—a sort of domino drop to
disaster—is what Daniel Goleman refers to as an “emotional, low-grade melo-
drama.” This is the phenomenon where the worrying mind spins in an end-
less loop of low-grade melodrama—one set of concerns leading on to the
next and back again.
Worry is simply a rehearsal of what could go wrong before it goes wrong.
This sort of obviation is helpful to our survival. In this sense, worry attempts
to come up with positive solutions by anticipating dangers before they ar-
rive. It is, of course, possible to do this type of forward thinking without
having tension in our bodies and a churning sensation in our guts. When
we plan ahead—without stress in our bodies—we transform worry into strate-
gic planning.
For many people, worry is a chronic and repetitive appraisal that only
serves to take them deeper into the bowels of stress and anxiety. They never
actually get any nearer to the solution. Eventually a steady pulse of anxiety
fuels their system, and they do not know how to operate outside of this
stressed and worried state. They get locked into a myopic view of a worri-
some topic. These appraisal tendencies and amygdala hijackings can progress
into full-fledged anxiety disorders, obsessions, phobias, panic attacks, and
compulsive behaviors.

HEAL THYSELF
Americans are swallowing pills and medicines at an all-time record pace,
yet millions are still nowhere near getting at what truly ails them. (Americans
reportedly consume 100 million antianxiety prescriptions every single day.)
People take medicine to lessen emotional reactions to the threat of pain or
failure. Unfortunately, medication also interferes with our ability to toler-
ate stress. Until people learn to confront and manage their anxieties, these
dependencies will continue to escalate. In the long run, we are far better off
developing behavioral methods of coping than we are trying to dissolve anx-
ieties with a pill.
Sometimes the pills of life are bitter and hard to swallow. But taking this
medicine is what life and growth are all about—facing fears, wrestling with
anxieties, and controlling our appraisals and reactions to stress. The longer
we put off this emotional medicine, the longer the road is to self-confidence
and restraint.
In Stress and the Healthy Family, author Dolores Curran writes about some
simple ground rules for getting personal victory over personal stress:
86 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

• Expect stress
• Focus on our strengths
• Focus on the stress—not the symptoms
• Focus on what is controllable

These ground rules are concerned with how we view stress and where
we focus during stressful predicaments. Stress goes with the territory of life
and work. If we are not prepared, we will be knocked off course when the
storms of stress blow in. We need to recognize the temporary nature of
stress and avoid developing permanent attitudes based on stress.
It is important to focus on our strengths, because much of the stress
we face is the fear that we do not have the personal resources necessary to
overcome problems. We need to focus on the source of stress, not on the
person who carried it. Developing a solution is more important than plac-
ing the blame. Finally, we need to focus on what is controllable, because
nothing causes more stress than trying to change things that can never be
changed.
Having a set of ground rules such as these for coping could be a pre-
dictor of your own health and longevity. Dr. George Valiant, in his book,
Adaptation to Life, showed that stress management is the most important
predictor of physical health. He studied Harvard alumni over a period of
30 years. He found that men with immature coping styles became ill four
times more often than men who demonstrated more mature, hardier cop-
ing styles.
How we cope with stressful events is truly a matter of life or death, and
of wellness or weakness. Medical science has made great strides in recent
years in understanding the physical/mental relationship of stress and our
hormones, neuropeptides, and central nervous systems—which, in turn, can
affect every system in the body, from the immune to the cardiovascular.

SUSCEPTIBLE PERSONALITIES
What personalities are most at risk? According to one expert, pushy,
domineering types ultimately succeed in pushing their way right to the front
of the line—at the morgue. Psychologist Michael Babyak reports that this
trait is as toxic to the heart as hostility. He says these types are easy to spot.
They monopolize conversations, interrupt people, and are driven by inse-
curity to be on top.
These domineering types differ significantly from those who have a
healthy drive to succeed—those who are spurred on by self-confidence and
 Solving the Stress Mess 87

a desire for personal fulfillment. Babyak’s study showed that the pushy
types were 60 percent more likely to die of all causes and die younger from
heart disease than their more reserved peers. One possible explanation is
that they stay juiced on their own adrenaline, therefore keeping their ar-
teries bathed in stress hormones.
On the other hand, individuals who were the most calm and thought-
ful in their speech patterns were the least likely to die during this particu-
lar study. Behavior does have an influence on our health. Babyak suggests
taking more time to reflect and finding ways to relax. Developing a more
pensive, introspective style will help us outlive the problems and the prob-
lem people we face.
Are you a type-A personality? The answer is most likely yes if you’ve
found your success by driving, pushing, confronting, and thriving on stress.
Quite frankly, sales organizations do well with this personality type. Traits
such as high energy, driven, overachieving, and “won’t take no for an an-
swer” are descriptions of President’s Club members and, possibly, individu-
als with many failed relationships, problems with alcohol, compulsions, or
worse. Living in this highly adrenalized state has a dark side. For one thing,
how does an individual come down from that state and feel normal?
Alcoholism researchers speculate that people who abuse alcohol are
trying to medicate some sort of brain abnormality. Alcohol temporarily
quells the symptoms of this abnormality; however, when the effects wear
off, the symptoms return—all the more heightened. To keep these symp-
toms under control, individuals continue to drink even greater amounts at
more frequent intervals, until they become dependent.
Dr. C. Robert Cloninger of Washington University has proposed two
fundamental personality types among alcoholics. The first is anxious, in-
hibited, eager to please, and rigid. The second resembles an action hero—
confident, impulsive, and constantly seeking new experiences. The sales
ranks are filled with these two personality types.
Perhaps these problems are better addressed at a preventative level—
at the juncture of a stressful event. The manner in which we appraise and
respond at that moment determines the flow of stress hormones that will
be released into our systems. Once a destructive appraisal and reaction
takes place, long-ingrained negative patterns and destructive habits gain
power over us.
Remember that, even if you don’t struggle with any serious issues be-
cause of a highly charged state, you still may be bringing stress into other
people’s lives by virtue of your perpetually adrenaline-charged state. As one
executive assistant told me when I asked if her boss was stressed out, “No,
but he’s definitely a carrier!”
88 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

SELLING WITH EQ
• Predict the sales scenarios that trigger stress, and prepare plans for
managing those scenarios.
• Focus your energies on factors within your control.
• Find healthy ways of working stress out of your system.
 11
CHAPTER ELEVEN

FEELING HELPLESS OR
TAKING CHARGE
“M o t i v a t i o n w i l l g e t y o u s t a r t e d , b u t i t

i s h a b i t t h a t k e e p s y o u g o i n g .”

—JIM R YAN

The Principles of Emotional Intelligence

• To get on top of stress, we must first carefully identify the common
and recurring sources of stress in our lives.
• Stress can be reduced and managed through changes in physical,
attitudinal, and behavioral habits.
• Longevity and successful aging are linked to stress management habits.
• A ready wit and sense of humor not only lower stress but also attract
others to you.

Medical science is not yet sure about the effect our mind has on causing
or preventing cancer, but they do know that stress activates the body’s en-
docrine system, which messes with the immune function. Robyn Post, in an
article on lowering cancer risk, reported that researchers at the University of
Pennsylvania injected mice with tumor cells, then gave them electric shocks.
The mice were divided into two groups—one was allowed to escape, the
other wasn’t. The mice that lacked an escape route developed tumors at a
much higher rate. One theory states that feeling helpless lowers the immune
response, even for a mouse.

89
90 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

I think the mouse-in-the-maze experiment serves as a good metaphor

for people who feel their careers and/or reactions to stress are caught in a
type of repetitious pattern. They eventually feel helpless—and stress gains
mastery over their emotions and their lives. Dr. Joan Borysenko, in her book,
Minding the Body, Mending the Mind, talks about a study on stress with busi-
ness executives and lawyers. Researchers found that the rates of illness
could be lowered with the employment of three significant attitudes of har-
diness toward stress:

1. Commitment. An attitude of curiosity and involvement in whatever is

happening. Its opposite is alienation, denial, or escapism.
2. Control. The belief that we can influence events, coupled with the
willingness to act on that belief rather than become a victim of cir-
cumstances. Its opposite is an attitude of helplessness.
3. Challenge. The belief that life’s changes stimulate personal growth
rather than threatening the status quo.

DEFINING THE MESS

In the ARROW Program workshop, I take participants through an exer-
cise to identify the stress valves in their daily routines. Before we can adjust
our appraisals and reactions, we need a better awareness of when and where
these incidents keep cropping up. This way we won’t be caught off guard.
The Stress MESS Exercise helps to increase your awareness by identify-
ing the moods, environments, and stressful situations where you are most
susceptible. Following is my personal worksheet (see Figure 11.1) that helped
raise my awareness of the times, places, and events that I needed to place
my emotional border control on full alert.
The exercise in Figure 11.2 will help you identify the sources of your
stress.
If we listed every situation and personality that causes us to feel stress,
the list would be voluminous. For the purpose of awareness, it is helpful to
list the triggers that happen most frequently or that cause the most radical
response in our systems. Awareness leads to preparation. Once we are aware
of the types of moods, environments, and stressful situations that trigger
these responses, we can begin to prepare new, more positive responses to
stressful stimuli.
The next exercise, “Preparing for Restraint” (Figure 11.3), walks you
through a commonly recurring, stressful scenario so you can rethink your
response.
 Feeling Helpless or Taking Charge 91

FIGURE 11.1 Awareness Worksheet

Moods. (states where I am most susceptible to stress and anger)

• Tired
• Hungry
• Facing a deadline

Environments. (settings that immediately cause me to feel stress and discomfort)

• Messy, disheveled environment
• Crowded area
• Roads without adequate signage
• Loud, boisterous environments

Stressful Situations. (types of situations and people who historically have caused me
to feel stressed)
• Disorganized situations
• Working with organizations that can’t make decisions
• Working with defensive, argumentative types
• Dealing with individuals who slough off responsibility
• Working with those who don’t care about quality of work
• Waiting a long time for an appointment
• Working with individuals who want to do little work yet reap a lot of credit
• Dealing with those who don’t pay bills in a timely manner
• Dealing with control freaks

If you can apply this thought process toward the stressful scenarios, en-
vironments, and moods you wrestle with at home, in the field, or with the
home office, you soon will find that you are no longer being blown about
by the winds of stress and emotion but are, in fact, adjusting your sails and
getting the most mileage possible from those winds.

AGELESS ATTITUDES
Can we learn anything from people who live to 100? Science believes
so and has been, in recent years, paying close attention to both the physical
and psychological habits of centenarians. One study conducted by Harvard
Medical School tested subjects’ intellectual abilities and personality pat-
terns to see if a “centenarian personality” could be found. The study found
these psychological patterns:
92 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

FIGURE 11.2 The Stress MESS Exercise

Moods. (states where I am most susceptible to stress and anger)

Environments. (settings that immediately cause me to feel stress and discomfort)

Stressful Situations. (types of situations and people who historically have caused me
to feel stressed)
 Feeling Helpless or Taking Charge 93

FIGURE 11.3 Preparing for Restraint

Reasons for this Skill:

• Stress is harmful to body, psyche, and relationships.
• Without preparation, stress hormones control our physical and emotional state.
• Preparation lays the ax to the root of stress.
• If tense and highly strung, you are a carrier of stress.

Identify a recurring stressful situation. ___________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________

Describe your emotions and response in this situation. ______________________________

_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________

What could you do to prevent this situation from recurring? __________________________

_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________

What communication needs to take place? _______________________________________

_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________

If you are unable to prevent this situation from recurring, how can you change your
response to experience less stress? ____________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________

God grant me the serenity,

To accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

94 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

• Most of them knew about stress management before the term was
ever invented.
• They rarely show anger.
• They tend not to fret.
• They have a good sense of humor.

Sounds an awful lot like emotional intelligence, doesn’t it? Controlling

stress, anger, and anxiety, and keeping a ready wit? Even though all of these
subjects had suffered multiple losses of spouses, siblings, and/or friends,
they somehow learned to work through these difficulties and forge ahead.
Researcher Margery Silver noted that they seemed to be “low in neuroti-
cism and high in conscientiousness” and most often “dependable at home
and on the job.”
Living long is about good habits and ageless attitudes. This is where
you want to focus if you truly want to outlast your competition.

FIRED UP OR BURNED OUT

What is the difference between being fired up or burned out with the
work you do?
According to a recent “Professional Work Force” survey by Peter Mc-
Laughlin Co., it could be one simple thing: whether or not you possess a
good sense of humor. According to this survey, a sense of humor helps on
the job in three specific ways:

1. People with a sense of humor are three times as likely to report top
levels of energy than those who don’t have a sense of humor.
2. Ninety percent of survey respondents believe that having a sense of
humor helps them to perform better at work.
3. People with a sense of humor are half as likely to get anxious or frus-
trated fixing a problem and are twice as likely to be able to pull them-
selves out of a bad mood.

A ready wit holds some powerful personal keys to success:

• People who laugh often don’t run out of fuel as quickly as the dead
serious.
• People who can laugh at their mistakes are quicker to correct them
and therefore perform better.
• People who laugh easily are in better control of their moods and
attitudes.
 Feeling Helpless or Taking Charge 95

A key to staying fired up is to laugh easily and laugh often.

SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE

Stress and laughter cannot exist in the same place at the same time. If
you don’t believe that, lift a 50-pound weight, have someone tell you a re-
ally funny joke, and see what gives. Stress and laughter fail to coexist not
only in physical space but in psychological space as well. Laughter has a
purging effect on stress hormones. Nurturing your sense of humor and
keeping a ready wit are key weapons in your arsenal against the stress hor-
mone rushes and potential amygdala hijacks.
A sense of humor helps to:

• Change your perspective in the situation (remember the importance

of appraisal in triggering stress)
• Clear your thinking
• Attract other people to you

Almost every assessment or appraisal of a situation we face offers the

opportunity to view that situation through a humorous lens. Like one mother
commented, “Laughing at your problems is like changing a baby’s dirty di-
aper. It doesn’t change anything permanently but it does make things more
livable for a while.” If you want to transcend the stress mess in your own
world, you’ll have to form the habit of keeping your sense of humor by at-
tempting to see a comedic lining in every cloud.

• When you find out your new company has a new job opening, but
it’s your job that opened . . . keep your sense of humor.
• When a client tells you that you and your company are so good they
can no longer afford you . . . keep your sense of humor.
• When your spouse comes home from shopping and says he just saved
$500 dollars . . . keep your sense of humor.
• When your teenager comes home and tells you the family lineage is
not at risk . . . keep your sense of humor.
• When your spouse runs off with your best friend and you realize just
how much you miss your friend . . . keep your sense of humor.
• When your ship finally comes in and you see that it’s a garbage barge
. . . keep your sense of humor.
96 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Life can be sour without laughter.

The minutes go like hours.
Without laughter,
The days can be trying.
And in life there’s no denying,
That the ones who are surviving,
Can be heard laughing.

Why does laughter work? Because laughter releases the endorphins in

the brain that help rinse out the stress hormones. Little did we know that
we had so much control over our brain chemistry—it is there to serve us,
not to make us slaves. The opportunities to practice restraint and emo-
tional intelligence confront us each day as we meet events and people that
disturb our peace. Pay attention to your body’s signals, reappraise the situ-
ation, and respond in a way that restores order to your system.

CLIMBING THE WALL

My final thought is a question based on a Steven Covey principle, “Is
your ladder of success leaning against the wrong wall?” If you’re doing
everything you can to manage stress in your sales career but can’t quite get
on top of it, you might be climbing against the wrong wall. I have met many
people who had a constant undercurrent of stress in their lives simply be-
cause they were either cut out for a different type of work or needed to
work in a different environment.
Stress is not something to be downplayed. Conquer stress, or it will con-
quer you. While you will always experience a degree of stress in your life,
you will find life much more manageable and fulfilling when you experi-
ence life doing something you love. Find a working scenario that brings
your hands, head, and heart together.

SELLING WITH EQ
• Stay aware of the moods, events, and stressful situations where you
are most vulnerable.
• Make stress awareness management a priority in your work and life.
• Use your sense of humor to keep yourself afloat in stressful times.
 12
C H A P T E R T W E LV E

REDEFINING OPTIMISM

The Principles of Emotional Intelligence

• Optimism is grounded in a sense of hope and is the naturally in-
tended state for the human psyche.
• Attitude is a matter of direction, not feeling.
• The leading predictor for personal productivity is your own level of
personal expectations.

To begin this discussion on resilience and its relationship to outlook,

complete the “Resilience Reactor” in Figure 12.1.
The difference between getting beat up or bouncing back is, more often
than not, decided on how we process the events happening to us and around
us. This processing at the emotional level eventually casts us in a mold of
decided optimism, pessimism, or cynicism. Once this mold is cast, people
have a hard time steering their thoughts and reactions in a new direction.
In this chapter, I discuss the importance of nurturing a resilient mind-
set and the role optimism plays in that process. Optimism is the lifeblood
of great sales professionals, but like everyone else, even the great ones are
tempted to give in and give up.

97
98 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

FIGURE 12.1 Resilience Reactor

Directions: Read each statement and circle the number that best describes you.

1. When I am rejected,
1 2 3 4 5
I retreat I vacillate I move on

2. When I fail,
1 2 3 4 5
I feel like giving up I vacillate I quickly change my approach

3. When I can’t find an answer,

1 2 3 4 5
I resist help/counsel I vacillate I seek help/counsel

4. When I get a good idea,

1 2 3 4 5
I talk myself out of it I vacillate I forge ahead with conviction

5. When I don’t meet my goals,

1 2 3 4 5
I search for excuses/rationalize I vacillate I take personal inventory

6. When confronted with a problem,

1 2 3 4 5
I complain and make excuses I vacillate I begin creating a plan

7. When circumstances conspire against me,

1 2 3 4 5
I feel unlucky/cursed I vacillate I salvage from the experience

8. My attitude toward each day . . .

1 2 3 4 5
I allow others to affect me I vacillate I set my emotional compass

9. When I do something stupid or embarrassing,

1 2 3 4 5
I beat myself up I vacillate I laugh it off

10. When confronted with a mistake,

1 2 3 4 5
I rationalize my actions I vacillate I quickly admit my error

Total
 Redefining Optimism 99

EVERYONE GETS TIRED

Norm was at an all-time low. He took the pile of pages (his man-
uscript and life’s passion) and threw it in the garbage. That was it.
Forty-plus rejections from 40 different publishers were quite enough.
His hopes had been raised and dashed one too many times.
Norm’s wife, Ruth, came into the room and was horrified to
see his book in the garbage. She went to pull it out.
He said, “I forbid you to take that out. I’ve had enough.”
Ruth was troubled. She didn’t want to go against her husband’s
wishes, but neither did she want to see his life’s work go to the land-
fill. He had been rejected so many times by so many people that he
had finally run out of energy—even though he had always had so
much energy.
She decided to follow his wishes—well, sort of. She left the
manuscript in the garbage, wrapped it up, and sent it to one more
publisher.
The publisher took notice. He’d never before received a man-
uscript in a garbage container. He read her explanatory note and
then the manuscript. He decided to publish. Little did he realize it
would become one of the top-sellers of all time.
The author? Norman Vincent Peale.
The book? The Power of Positive Thinking.
—Excerpt from The Daily Dose

Even the most optimistic of personalities is bound to suffer dejection

and see his optimistic attitude wane in times of rejection, defeat, and ad-
versity. If it happened to Norm, it’s probably going to happen to you and
me. Optimism is the lifeblood of anyone who hopes to succeed in the sell-
ing profession. Those who allow themselves to be seduced into pessimistic
thinking patterns and cynical synapses poison their own lifeblood.

DEFAMATION BY USAGE
If you pay close attention to the way people use the word optimist and to
the way people respond when you tell them that you are an optimist, you
might find that not everyone has a high regard for the idea. The unneces-
sary baggage the word has picked up in its journey to modern usage disturbs
me. Many have loaded their own personal baggage onto this word—which
more than likely describes their former approach to matters before things
went badly. To hear some people describe the optimist, you would think
100 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

they were talking about a wide-eyed, naïve, country-bumpkin type that con-
jures up images of Gomer Pyle saying, “Why Gooollllyy, Sarge, ain’t that
great!”
I have heard the pseudo-intellectual describe the state of optimism as
being in a place outside of the great circle of knowledge, as if the attitude
of optimism could only be held by the uninformed. I have come to the con-
clusion that the words optimism and pessimism have evolved through usage
to a place where many no longer have a clear comprehension of their mean-
ings. The definitions of words do evolve over time—some for good and
some for bad. For example, the word adult used to mean mature, and now it
represents pornographic content. I think the same thing has happened to
the word optimism, which for some has gained the undeserved connotation
of “not being realistic.” On the flip side, the word pessimism has garnered
undeserved credibility.
To give clarity to both words, allow me to define them by their etymo-
logical root. The word pessimistic means to be hopeless and the word optimistic
means to be hopeful. These two views are not about being “realistic about
what is going to happen” vs. “looking at the situation through rose-colored
glasses.” These two views are about looking at any and every situation with
an attitude of hope versus an attitude of despair or hopelessness.
Pessimism doesn’t simply look at a glass of water as being half empty. It
looks at a glass of water as being foul and declares, “It’s surely contami-
nated and good for nothing.” The optimist doesn’t simply look at a glass of
water as being half full but sees the potential in the water to nourish a plant,
quench thirst, make ice, or produce hydrogen. The two words are nothing
more than a dichotomous play on the word hope.
Skepticism is healthy but, when overused, can soon segue into a slip-
pery slope that drains into a cesspool of cynicism. I have met more than a
few rusty and crusty sales professionals who were careless about protecting
their attitude and went down the slope from skepticism to pessimism to
cynicism, failing to realize the impact on their selling relationships. These
words warrant a glance into Webster’s Dictionary to fully understand the foot-
ings of such attitudes.

• Skep’tic. One who habitually doubts matters generally accepted

• Pess’i’mist. The tendency always to expect the worst (secondary mean-
ing—the belief that the evil in life outweighs the good)
• Cyn’i’cal. Denying the sincerity of people’s motives and actions

And while we’re at it, the original meaning of the word sarcasm sheds
some light as well.

• Sar’casm. To bite the lips in rage

 Redefining Optimism 101

Notice the spiraling graduation of attitude that can easily infect a vul-
nerable emotional state. While the skeptic doubts or suspects the credibility
of a situation or proposed solution, the pessimist takes it a step further and
expects the worst to happen. By the time an individual degrades into this
state of chronic cynicism, she now believes in insincerity to the point that she
doesn’t trust anyone’s motives.
We are all at times, and with good reason, in a transitory state of skep-
ticism, pessimism, or cynicism. Skepticism in and of itself is good. We
don’t want to take all matters at face value. It is essential to think through
every situation, refine our approach, and critique conventional wisdom.
We will, at times, be pulled into a cynical frame of mind when we are lis-
tening to those who have a track record of duplicity, spuriousness, and
self-centeredness.
These responses are to be expected, but we must be on guard so that
we do not allow these attitudes to become a permanent emotional state.
This slippery slope to cynicism ultimately lowers our emotional intelligence
and has a dangerous effect on relationships.
Furthermore, for the pessimists who cloak themselves in intellectual
patter and call themselves realists, I have come to the belief that pessimism
is little more than an exercise in intellectual laziness. Once pessimists de-
clare that “It won’t work,” they are released from any cerebral, volitional,
or imaginative responsibilities. Once you declare that failure is imminent,
your work is over.
On the other hand, optimists, who are emotionally anchored in hope,
declare, “We’ll find a way to make this work!” and begin to utilize their full
potential of rationality, imagination, and will.

EXPECTATIONS
Peter Brennan, who has been managing sales professionals for over
two decades in the electronics industry, told me this.

“When I first started selling, I thought the word attitude was a

bunch of motivational hot air used by my manager to get me to sell
more. Back in those days, I figured it was all about ability and little
else. But over time, my opinion has evolved full circle to the point
that I think attitude is the single most important factor that deter-
mines success in the sales profession.
“Show me two people with equal ability and equal opportunity
but with differing attitudes, and over time you will see two distinct
productivity charts going in opposite directions. I have found that
the optimistic attitude is inextricably tied to a tireless work ethic.
102 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

They keep going because they are convinced that the next great
opportunity is just around the corner. The more rejection they face,
the more anticipation they possess because they figure the law of
averages is now in their favor.”

When I asked him about an example of this phenomenon, he shared

the following.

“We hired this kid who was sharp looking, well spoken, and un-
derstood our products and the industry—a real find, we all thought
in the interview process. After a few months, this can’t-miss talent
hadn’t sold enough to pay his per diem food bill, and I decided to
ride along with him to figure out the problem. He went through
all the selling procedures exactly as he was taught. When he sur-
veyed the holes in the customers’ inventory and presented his ideas,
he was thorough and articulate. When the customer would hesitate
and offer some rationale for not doing business with him, he would
start nodding, repeat what he’d already said, and literally check
out of the call.
“When the day was over, I asked him to review what was going
on through his mind before he got to each of the stops we had made
that day. He gave impressive and detailed accounts of what he
knew about each client’s business. He had done his homework.
“I asked him, ‘Did you think you’d get the sale before you
walked in the door?’
“He looked at me as if to say, ‘Do you really want to know the
truth?’
“I said, ‘Tell me what you were expecting.’
“He said, ‘I knew before I walked in there what they were
going to say. I figured I was probably wasting my time but went
through the motions anyway.’”

Brennan knew then and there that this young man had chosen the
wrong career path. It is one thing to anticipate possible objections but an
altogether different matter to expect no results.
Brennan summarized it this way.

“I learned a lot from that ride-along. I now tell new guys that
optimism is the key to every conversation. I tell them the story of
our talented wonder-boy and how the weight of a pessimistic atti-
tude took him to the bottom. I tell them that those who carry pes-
simistic expectations are like the guy who walks in not knowing
he’s got a tomato stain on his tie. People are going to notice, and
 Redefining Optimism 103

he’s going to be baffled by their response to him. You can never

surpass your expectations—and the pessimist is always looking for
rationale for not succeeding.”

THE ATTITUDE INSTRUMENT

My first (and only) flight lesson was an event I’ll not soon for-
get. My instructor had a strange approach to teaching flying. He’d
get you up to about 10,000 feet and then start hollering instruc-
tions. This teaching process tended to be a bit unnerving, espe-
cially on a first lesson.
Shortly into the flight, he began to yell, “Look at your attitude.”
I replied, “What? I’m fine.”
“No,” he said. “Your attitude!”
“Why is he concerned with my mental approach?” I wondered.
He looked at me like I was an idiot, “Look at your attitude
instrument.”
“What’s that?” I asked.
He pointed to an instrument that showed where the wings
were in relationship to the horizon. It seemed my wings were a bit
tilted. We were going to land all right, but not on the wheels. He
then showed me how to level my wings or, in other words, how to
straighten out my attitude. When we reached the ground, I real-
ized that I had learned a good lesson from a poor teacher. —The
Daily Dose

Whenever people talked about attitude, I thought they were talking

about feeling positive emotions—which I thought was just a put-on. That
day, I found that attitude is nothing more than keeping yourself headed to-
ward your stated goals or keeping your wings pointed to your personal hori-
zon. I also realized that those who have not defined a personal horizon
quickly fall prey to dangerous attitudes.
If the winds of adversity and discouragement blow you off course, don’t
give up. Rather, make the necessary adjustments and keep moving toward
your goal. Attitude is not a feeling; it is a mental adjustment we must make
a hundred times a day or more, if we want to reach our horizons.
Attitude, in its literal form, is nothing more than adjusting to interfer-
ing winds and circumstances in pursuit of personal goals or horizons. Those
winds may be blowing in from the home office, and the circumstance may
be permanent, but the person who understands attitude and the need for
optimism simply adjusts as often as necessary. Ultimately, our progress and
performance depend on where we set those horizons. It is helpful to sit
104 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

back every now and then and ask ourselves, “Am I setting my goals high
enough to challenge my capabilities?”

MENTAL BARRIERS
A great story is told about farm boys recruited and trained to
be pilots in the pilot shortage crisis during World War II.
With the sudden outbreak of World War II, the U.S. Air Force
found themselves with a shortage of pilots. They recruited farm
boys from the Midwest and gave them their wings. This group of
men one day brought forth the ingenuity and design of the first su-
personic jet.
This design team was not trained in the classical schools of aero-
nautical engineering like their predecessors. Had they been trained
like the others, they would have been taught that flying past the speed
of sound was impossible. In those days, the aeronautic engineering
schools taught that supersonic flight was unattainable because:

• The weight of the fuel required would make the plane too
slow and cumbersome.
• Reaching the speed of sound would cause spontaneous com-
bustion, and the plane would blow up.

When questioned about how they had achieved such a remark-

able feat, these men replied, “We did it because nobody told us we
couldn’t.”
The barriers we cross in our lives may not be as dramatic as the
sound barrier, but we too must overcome the scrutiny of “experts” or
those who believe there is only one way of doing things. Remember,
those who tell us “we can’t” are usually those who “didn’t.” Barriers
of achievement are meant to be broken—no matter what the “ex-
perts” teach. —The Daily Dose

SELF-SABOTEURS
My personal epiphany regarding a personal lack of resilience and
weak expectations taught me a lasting lesson about shutting down the self-
sabotaging voice that whispers when we embark on a new mission. I was driv-
ing home from a speech and listening to an audiotape from the Chicken
Soup for the Soul series. It told a story about an 88-year-old lady who was asked
about the regrets she had in life.
 Redefining Optimism 105

She said, “I have very few regrets about what I have done. But what I re-
gret most are the things I didn’t do. Ideas I wish I had acted on and the pos-
sibilities I never explored—all because of the foolish and flimsy excuse that
I might fail. So what? So I failed. What would it have really mattered?”
Her answer stung me like a swarm of hornets.
A retrospective film began to play in my mind about the scores of ideas
I had come up with, where an initial burst of enthusiasm had been popped
by the first hint of disapproval from another. At that point, I would begin
talking myself out of wasting my efforts by taking the idea any further. I now
realize that this self-sabotaging mechanism was nothing more than a pes-
simistic monster that I kept alive by yielding to it. Pessimism becomes its
own self-fulfilling prophecy as “I can’t” evolves into “I won’t.”
After hearing this inspiring story, I vowed to myself and heaven that
with my next idea, things would be different, and I would choose a more
resilient and aggressive posture (and march right past the rejections and
self-doubts). Ironically, I was tested in very short order.
Two days later, I received a phone call from the Chicken Soup for the Soul
organization. Someone had heard a speech of mine and had suggested my
name as a potential contributor for their next book. I agreed to put together
a couple of stories for them. As I was looking at my short stories, something
began stirring inside of me, but I couldn’t clearly determine what it was.
That night at about 3:00 AM, I was awakened with a very clear picture
of what I should do next. I saw the scripts in my head and the idea that
came to me was to read those stories on the radio and to call them The Daily
Dose. I was immediately excited about the idea and experienced my typical
initial burst of enthusiasm.
The next morning I woke up and began to think through this idea.
The self-sabotaging mechanism kicked in immediately. “Why would any
radio station air a 90-second story? You don’t know anyone to talk to, even
at the local AM talk radio station,” were the first rounds fired out of my own
pessimistic artillery.
Remembering the promise to myself, I decided to call my father, a vet-
eran of over 45 years in the radio business, for his opinion. My father is not
one to hand out insincere flattery. I knew he would tell me the truth about
my idea. I read two stories to him, and he was silent for a moment, then
slowly uttered in his dramatic basso profundo, “Son, you’ve got something
special there. Get on the phone and call your local station. Ask for some-
one in advertising. If they like it, they’ll find someone to sponsor it.”
I called the local station and talked to an account executive who told me
I should record my stories and drop them off at the station. I dropped the
tape off that day with a note saying the cost would be $200 per month and
they would receive 20 stories each month. Two days later, I received a call
saying the program director and account executive wanted to meet with me.
106 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

To open the meeting, the program director informed me that “They

loved the show idea and wanted to play it in the morning and evening drive
times.” He then let the other shoe drop and said, “But we want you to
know that the only programming we pay for is Rush Limbaugh and the
Minnesota Twins baseball—and you are neither one of those.” They then
offered to trade the program for 40 seconds of advertising space that I could
sell to a sponsor of my choosing. We shook hands and the show was
launched locally.
One of my first sponsors was a new business enterprise that was ex-
panding rapidly, and they decided to fund efforts to offer The Daily Dose to
other stations. Within 9 months, the show was airing on over 160 stations
around the country and is still going strong today with over 1 million lis-
teners daily.
When I think of the number of people hearing these inspirational sto-
ries and ideas every day, I wipe my brow in relief that I did not succumb to
my former pessimistic habits. My personal pessimism had been arrested—
and the benefit was being felt by hundreds of thousands of people daily.
Adversity and difficulty are not the enemies to fear—pessimism is.
Pessimism aborts ideas in the embryonic stage, ignores the possibilities,
and complains about the noise opportunity makes when it knocks.
I’ve also observed this fact about pessimists: they live very predictable
lives. I am an optimist, if for no other reason than a hopeful attitude keeps
the doors of opportunity swinging and makes every day feel like an adventure.
Optimism is the state we were born for. If we have lost our optimism, we
must recover hope in our emotional reactions to life’s challenges. An opti-
mistic attitude is not something we wait to feel; it is a direction we choose.
We will never surpass the expectations we have for ourselves. Optimism is
our greatest gift—as we follow its pulse, optimism opens up possibilities of
personal achievement that we never dared dream possible. Hope knows no
boundaries.

SELLING WITH EQ
• Keep pessimistic expectations in check. Your achievements must sur-
pass your expectations.
• Make an attitude adjustment several times daily, especially when en-
countering negative people, discouraging reports, and disappoint-
ing results.
• Be on guard for self-sabotaging thoughts, speech, and behavior. Take
your name off your enemy list.
 13
CHAPTER THIRTEEN

SOURCES OF
DISCOURAGEMENT
“Hope defer red makes the hear t sick, but

w h e n t h e d e s i r e c o m e s , i t i s a t r e e o f l i f e .”

—PROVERBS. 13:12

The Principles of Emotional Intelligence

• Discouragement can be traced to three sources. Recognizing the
source is the first step in overcoming discouragement.
• We must develop a learning response to stay on top of failure, dis-
appointment, and adversity.

Eric called and sounded downcast. He had taken a senior-level sales

management position for a top financial firm that held high expectations
for him. He had been successful at every turn except for the last job, which
he had left after the market debacle of 2000–2001. His current employer
was launching into new territory that Eric was familiar with, and they were
banking heavily on his ability to get doors open. He told me he was dis-
couraged with the pace of his progress. He was working at 150 percent but
getting 75 percent results.
Mary was also discouraged. She loved her company and the industry
(medical equipment) and felt she was well suited to the job. She told me
her discouragement was so pervailing that she was nearing depression over
her poor performance. Mary has a winsome personality, is intelligent, and
carries herself with confidence. Her sales goals hinged disproportionately

107
108 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

on the business she garnered from two major clinics. She had developed
great relationships with the decision makers at both clinics; unfortunately,
both decision makers had left for greener pastures in the last four months.
New decision makers had entered the picture with the predictable “need
to prove that I know more than the last person” approach to the job. As
luck would have it, both were defensive and highly sensitive personalities—
mirror opposites of their predecessors. Both took the posture that all ven-
dor relationships, no matter how long they had been established, should
come under the scrutiny of due diligence usually reserved for new relation-
ships. Consequently, Mary was facing a logjam, and she began beating her-
self up wondering where she was going wrong in her approach.
Brent was down in the dumps because he was seeing an abnormally
high number of contract opportunities not being accepted in his consult-
ing and training business. He was also getting cancellations on previously
booked business. Financial pressures had created a barely perceptible tone
of desperation in his voice. He admitted he was discouraged but was de-
termined to stay positive. He blamed the economy, acquisitions and merg-
ers, misunderstandings, and self-centered partners for his troubles. After a
couple of conversations with Brent, it became apparent that he was not the
most emotionally intelligent individual who ever walked the earth. He is as-
suming, in-your-face pushy, combative, and flippant.
Eric, Mary, and Brent are three sales professionals all suffering from
what, on the surface, would appear to be the same malady—discouragement.
But are they? When I finished conversing with these three individuals, I re-
alized that, although they all gave themselves the same diagnosis, they were
not suffering from the same affliction. No doubt they were all discouraged,
but the causes of their personal discouragement emanated from three dis-
tinctly different sources.
When people become discouraged, they are often inclined to attach a
sense of personal failure to their discouragement. “If I had done that, this
might not have happened.” While introspection is good in times of dis-
couragement, beating ourselves up over circumstances beyond our control
is not. The three cases cited above are perfect examples of the three dis-
tinctly different origins for discouragement.
In Brent’s case, the discouragement is clearly brought on by his per-
sonal failure in the way he communicates with others and unawareness of
his agitating behaviors. Mary’s case is one of discouragement brought on
by disappointment stirred up by the impeding and frustrating actions of oth-
ers. Eric’s air of discouragement is rooted in general adversity, in which cir-
cumstances have conspired to cause a dip in his productivity, despite his
tireless efforts and willingness to rethink his approach to business. Failure,
 Sources of Discouragement 109

disappointment, and adversity are the chief bandits of optimism and en-
couragement; however, these three are easily muddled into a stewing sense
of failure and pessimism.
An effective and liberating exercise is to examine our personal sources
of discouragement (when we are feeling the weight of those emotions) to as-
sess if we are unnecessarily being pulled into a quagmire of negative thought
patterns. Let’s start by offering facile definitions of these chief sources of
discouragement.

• Failure. Where my actions are the chief cause of the situation

• Disappointment. Where others have caused these circumstances
• Adversity. Where circumstances have formed an obstacle

Far too often, the sales professional who carries disappointment con-
cerning the actions (or inaction, as the case may be) of another internal-
izes the discouragement through a lens of personal failure. On the other
side of the issue, there are those who blame others or adverse circum-
stances for their discouraged states, when they have failed to make the ef-
forts necessary to succeed.
To assess your resilience in regards to these three separate sources of
discouraging thought, take the short assessment in Figure 13.1. This self-
assessment should help you to isolate your vulnerable areas.

THE LEARNING RESPONSE

Every time we encounter the three faces of discouragement—failure,
disappointment, and adversity—we have the opportunity to respond either
optimistically (with hope) or pessimistically (without hope). In studying the
character traits of the most resilient sales professionals, one characteristic
that quickly rises to the surface is the ability to maintain a hopeful attitude
by means of employing the learning response. These individuals have trained
themselves to respond to negative situations with the thought, “What can I
learn from this situation that will make me better the next time I face it?”
In her book, If Life Is a Game, These Are the Rules, Cherie Carter Scott
shares the following two fundamental rules of life.

1. Life is a series of lessons.

2. If you don’t learn the first time, the lesson will be repeated until you
do learn.
110 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

FIGURE 13.1 Sources of Discouragement

There are three sources from which discouragement develops in our minds. They are:
1. Failure. Where I am responsible for my situation
2. Disappointment. Where others have caused adverse circumstances
3. Adversity. Where circumstances have formed an obstacle

Rank yourself on these three areas and add up the total.

FAILURE

1 2 3 4 5

Beat myself up Learn from it

Give up easily Move on

DISAPPOINTMENT

1 2 3 4 5

Harbor bitterness Understand human weakness

Fantasize about revenge Forgive others

ADVERSITY

1 2 3 4 5

Feel like I have bad luck Feel gratitude for what I have
Something always goes wrong Look for growth opportunity

Total:

3 – 6 Low Resilience
7 – 11 Up and Down
12 – 15 High Resilience

These rules are fairly evident in the world of sales. Some people con-
tinue to make the same mistakes over and over and grow pessimistic and
cynical because of a lack of results, yet fail to ask, “What is it about me that
 Sources of Discouragement 111

is causing this to happen repeatedly?” This fundamental lack of awareness

segues easily to a lack of resilience.
Emotionally intelligent sales professionals, on the other hand, are in a
mind-set of perpetual introspection and learning. When they fail, their
hair-trigger emotion is not to fix the blame but to fix the problem—which
could very likely be within them.
We all have stories to tell of responding both positively and negatively to
negative stimuli in our careers. We have all experienced the harvests of neg-
ative and positive emotional reactions. In the case of failure, most of us can
think of times when we embarked upon beating ourselves up and went into
a dark spiral of discouragement, our enthusiasm zapped. On the other hand,
we can probably also remember times where we failed and instead made a
concerted mental effort to take notes and improve from each experience.

CARRY-ON BAGGAGE
In the case of disappointment, you can more than likely remember a
time when someone treated you unjustly or thoughtlessly and you spent
emotional energy in fantasizing revenge and harboring bitterness. On the
emotionally intelligent side of disappointment, possibly you can remember
a time where you chose to take a more understanding and forgiving ap-
proach—and moved on with your life. Arguments could be made from
physiological, spiritual, and moral vantage points regarding the redeeming
value of letting go of old injuries and moving forward with life. The delete-
rious effects of an embittered spirit are well documented in medical jour-
nals, which chronicle the declining effect upon one’s physical health from
holding on to old grudges. In this discussion, however, I want to focus on
the emotional impact on others that results from hanging on to old baggage.
We all know people who are so devoid of trust that their suspicion and
sensitivity become an unpleasant odor they carry into every relationship.
Usually this emotional posturing can be traced back to a disappointing cir-
cumstance or experience they have experienced in their work histories.
Those lacking resilience grow bitter and cynical when they get burned and
consequently develop a lens of suspicion through which they filter every
conversation and relationship. On the other hand, the emotionally resilient
individual, who has a similar experience, grows wiser and more cautious but
does not allow yesterday’s toxins to pollute the air in today’s dialogues.
Words and phrases such as touchy, thin-skinned, chip on the shoulder, car-
rying too much baggage, oversensitive, and living in the past describe the nega-
tive reactions people have to this unattractive, even repelling disposition.
112 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

If you personally struggle with bitterness, keep in mind that it is an

emotional toxin that will find its way into relationships where it is not wel-
come. Others may be more aware than you are of your emotional compe-
tence in this area. My suggestion is to do whatever is necessary to remove
these toxins from your emotional storehouse. Seek psychological or spiri-
tual counsel if necessary, but do not fool yourself into thinking that this
“virus” will not get in the way of your productivity. If you do not believe me,
ask yourself a very simple question, “Do I know someone who has a hard
and bitter edge, who is quick to go on a negative rant? How much do I
enjoy talking to that individual?”
You cannot be in business and not incur some injuries in the process.
The roadway is crowded and almost everyone is driving over the speed
limit. The sales profession is a contact sport (think demolition derby). If
you are not prepared for this and had hoped for something more akin to
badminton, you will find yourself nursing some serious injuries the first
time you take a blind-side hit. As one sales veteran put it, “You are going to
get hit in this game, and how hurt you get depends on how prepared you
are for the hit.”
Perhaps you’ve seen those NFL film clips where a quarterback’s career
ended on one brutal sack from his blind side that he wasn’t prepared for.
To play the sales game with resilience, you have to be aware of the many
sacks that will come in the form of disappointment. Clients will let you
down. Stay alert, keep a positive disposition, and look downfield. When you
get knocked down, dust yourself off, nurse the wound, and keep your eyes
open. Resilience can be a little more challenging, however, when the hit
comes from the home office.
Vince has been with the same company for over 25 years. He has been
a star performer as an account executive, state manager, and regional man-
ager in that time. He builds lasting relationships with his clients and his
sales force. He is venerated by most of his troops as being the most loyal
person they have ever known, which is a rare commodity in today’s mar-
ketplace. Recently he told me about the most trying period of his career.

“A top-level position opened up, and he was the obvious choice

for the job. For some inexplicable reason that could only be justi-
fied in the labyrinth of politics that is the home office, Vince was
passed over, and the position was given to a person 15 years his jun-
ior with a production record that wasn’t even half as good as Vince’s
record. This move dealt a serious blow to Vince’s psyche. But the
knockout punch was yet to come.
“The first thing this fellow did when he was promoted above
Vince was to call him in and tell him he was moving him from the
 Sources of Discouragement 113

central region to the south. Vince had been in this region for 12
years and had developed an incalculable number of meaningful re-
lationships with employees and clients. He was loved and respected
as a leader. The hypocrisy of his company was almost more than he
could bear. They preached that their business success hinged on
building good relationships, yet they were pulling the footings out
from under all the relationships he had built over a dozen years.
“The pain for Vince was profound. He told me, ‘When they
passed me over, they took out my heart, and when they took me
away from all the people I cared about, they took away my soul.’”

But Vince is an emotionally intelligent individual. I saw him after the

painful regional switch during his first meeting with his new people. There
was never a word, tone, or nuance of speech to betray his injury. To hear him
talk, you would think that he wanted nothing more than to spend his career
helping this group become successful. He had confronted his disappoint-
ment, dealt with it, learned some difficult lessons, and moved forward with
the sentiments that had helped him become successful in the first place—
empathy for others, the desire to teach, and competitive instincts. As Vince
learned, resilience is not about ignoring reality. It is about dealing with real-
ity and dealing with it in a way that does not poison future relationships.

THIRD-PARTY OPPOSITION
The third source of a discouraged state of emotion is adversity. This is
not trouble of our own or of another person’s doing but a situation where
circumstances beyond our control have conspired to form difficulty. We
can adopt a learning response to adversity as well as to failure and disap-
pointment. Some people draw pessimistic conclusions when they face ad-
versity and basically decide that they are unlucky or that things just always
seem to go bad. Soon they begin to work with the expectation that no mat-
ter how nice a sandcastle they build, the surf is going to come in and wipe
it out. The more resilient individual has an altogether different way of pro-
cessing adversity.
I asked a number of successful and seasoned sales professionals how they
dealt with circumstances beyond their control that affected their success.
Following are some of the notable phrases to come out of that discussion.

• “If it’s hard times in the economy, then that means the weaker play-
ers are going to get shaken out. When the going gets tough . . .”
(This is a time when survival skills are tested and survivors thrive.)
114 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

• “I figure my competition is in the same place I’m in. I’m simply

going to attempt to show a better face than my competitors. I’m
going to stay in touch with my clients even when they’re not buying,
because when the tide does turn, they’ll remember how I treated
them in downtimes.”
• “The important thing is to not live at a level where you have to be
earning the top potential dollar just to break even. If you put your-
self in that position and tough times come, you’ll suffer and start
paying attention to the wrong things.”
• “I was once in an industry that went south. I knew I had the stuff to
bounce back, but I wasn’t sure if the industry would bounce back. At
times like that, you have to take a long, hard look at the industry
you’re in and decide if you want that challenging or that rough a
ride.”

All these statements reveal resilient mind-sets, which separate what is

happening from personal feelings of worth. The person who internalizes
every bad turn will be weighed down to the point of becoming lethargic.
These resilient individuals had learned through experience to formulate
thought processes and lifestyle processes that would help them weather
tough times.

HAILING ON THE PARADE

My brother Mark sells insurance to car lots and implement dealers, and
adversity is a predictable part of his business life. This adversity comes each
spring in the form of hail. His company’s compensation plan is tied to his
loss ratio, which means that when it hails, he loses substantial income. Some
years, he has just missed making the President’s Club because of the hail.
It is a circumstance beyond his control, but he pays an appreciable mone-
tary and emotional price for it.
At first, he let the weather affect his resilience level, and he grew fear-
ful and somewhat cynical as the season approached. He began to get angry
with clients that he felt were taking advantage of his company in these cir-
cumstances. He soon learned that it would be necessary to prepare a men-
tal approach that would buoy him for this eventuality.
“I decided that, other than saying a few Hail Marys, I didn’t have much
control over weather patterns and the damage they could cause to my clients’
inventories or, subsequently, my paycheck. With my competitive nature, I
decided that the only way I could stay positive was simply to set my goals
 Sources of Discouragement 115

high enough so that if hail did come, I would still meet the goals the com-
pany had for me.”
This is a good example of the resilient response. Mark could have fo-
cused on the injustice of the compensation structure, he could have carried
a hail-chip on his shoulder and let it poison his attitude, or he could have just
given up. Many of his peers, facing the same challenge, chose those mental
detours, and their productivity followed the negative emotional lead. Mark
continues to produce at a high level for one basic reason—resilience.
Failure is a part of the game if you take any risks and try to stretch your
capabilities. Deal with it. Bounce back.
Disappointment will be a part of the game, unless you can find a way
to sell without working with others. Expect it, but be ready to bounce back.
Adversity comes in many forms. You cannot control when it will come,
when it will leave, and what form it will take. Remember that others are
being tested as you are. Some are passing the test, and others will need to
repeat the exam. It is best to learn as much as you can this time around.

SELLING WITH EQ
• Identify the source of your discouragement—you, others, or circum-
stances. Don’t blame yourself for factors beyond your control.
• Adopt the learning response to every setback. Find the takeaway that
will benefit you later.
 14
CHAPTER FOURTEEN

FINDING MOTIVATORS
THAT LAST
“What lies before us and what lies behind us are but

t i n y m a t t e r s c o m p a r e d t o w h a t l i e s w i t h i n u s .”

—OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES

The Principles of Emotional Intelligence

• Successful individuals understand the need for intrinsic motivation.
• The most resilient individuals are continually guided by a sense of
purpose.
• Extrinsic motivations, although alluring, have an emotional downside.

EXTRINSIC MOTIVATORS

“M o n e y w o n ’ t m a k e y o u h a p p y , b u t n e i t h e r w i l l p o v e r t y .”

—ANONYMOUS

Most of us assume that if a sales professional is making a lot of money,

this material factor is enough to assure career satisfaction. However, stud-
ies demonstrate that this may only be true with a minority of successful in-
dividuals. A study of highly successful financial advisors found that only

116
 Finding Motivators That Last 117

about 20 percent of its subjects reflected any extrinsic emphasis when defin-
ing the question, “What does it mean to you to be successful?” *
The following quotes from the study typify the common attitude of
high achievers.

• “It is enhancing other people’s lives versus just selling a widget. It is

helping others have a better quality of life.”
• “To get acknowledgment from my clients that I have helped them ac-
complish their objectives. That they adopt the plan we worked on,
and it makes a difference in their lives.”

It is a fair assumption to conclude that most people will not enter any
careers (sales careers included) without the prospect of furthering their
material fortunes. But the paradox is that the extrinsic, material payoff
loses its power to satisfy over time. This truth, of course, is most evident
with those who have achieved notable degrees of material success—which
usually leads the envious to declare, “Easy for them to say!”

“I’ve always liked money. I like making it, counting it, spending
it, and making more. But the more money I’ve made, the more I re-
alized that its power to move my pulse has diminished and has be-
come secondary to other more powerful ‘drugs,’ if you will. For
instance, I genuinely get more excited about putting together a
deal that benefits everyone than I do over the check I get at the
end. I get a huge rush out of overcoming obstacles. That’s what
makes me jump out of bed in the morning—not the prospect of
owning a better luxury car. I’ll tell this to a young guy starting out,
and he’ll say, ‘Yeah right, easy for you to say, you’ve already got the
prize.’ I guess it’s something you have to learn on your own. I’ve just
seen too many people burn out whose every thought and breath
was about the money.”—Dale R., Computer Systems Representative

The question that cannot be avoided when discussing motivators is “If

it’s all about money, then isn’t it all about me?” And how well can a client
or customer be served with this attitude leading the parade? To quote the
above-mentioned study, “We contend that even though monetary achieve-
ment is important to quality of life, satisfaction has less to do with money.”

*
Lauterbach et al., The Attitudes and Behavioral Styles of Successful Advisors. Wilmington:
Capital Trust, 2001.
118 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

I bring up the topic of material motivation because it acts as a lightning

rod—a perfect illustration for the discussion of material motivation vs. last-
ing motivation. Like the old scriptural teaching about building one’s house
either upon the sand or upon a rock, the motivations we choose to use in
our careers may determine either an epilogue of joy or disaster. When the
winds, rains, and storms of adversity come, foundations of sand wash away
and years of work quickly erode. This is the inherent danger of placing too
much emphasis on extrinsic motivators.
Webster’s Dictionary defines extrinsic as something that is “not essential”
or “not inherent.” Three examples of popular motivators are accumulation,
recognition, and control. It would be safe to say that all three of these extrin-
sic motivators are expected (to some degree) in any sales professional. Sales
professionals are motivated to sell more in hopes of accumulating more for
themselves and their companies. They are motivated to reach new heights
in hopes of being acknowledged for their efforts as well as to control the
factors that affect their success.
When these factors are out of sync, sales professionals lose balance and
become emotionally dissatisfied. Here are some examples you might find
in your own organization.

• Accumulation. Individuals so focused on making more that they begin

“replacing their values with valuables.”
• Recognition. Individuals who are so consumed with getting credit and
recognition that they pirate credit, expend valuable energy fighting
for recognition, and/or become deflated when they do not receive
the recognition they feel they deserve.
• Control. Individuals who try to control people as well as processes end
up transferring high degrees of stress as people and events elude
their control. Relational fallout follows as others resent their need to
control.

“Money hungry,” “glory hound,” and “control freak” are common char-
acterizations given to those who are obsessed with one or more of the above
extrinsic motivators. It might be argued that such personalities are drawn into
the sales profession because of tantalizing promises to “Make as much money
as you want to,” or “Be a star in your field,” or “Control your own destiny.”
All of these promises are irresistible to the entrepreneurial, mover-and-
shaker Enterpriser/Motivator personality. But we must be on guard that
one or more of these extrinsic aspects do not dominate our personalities,
causing us to fall into the trap of sacrificing relationships in pursuit of
goals. If you’ve left a slew of damaged relationships and burned bridges in
your wake, then chances are that one or more of the above three extrinsic
motivators have gained the upper hand in your life.
 Finding Motivators That Last 119

The emotionally intelligent sales professional, however, avoids such pit-

falls by applying a disciplined focus on safer and more powerful motiva-
tions known as intrinsic motivators. Think of it this way, we have a choice
either to be guided by an inner compass or by an outer weather vane. Which
is safer? Which is more reliable? Obviously, it is the compass—if it is tuned
to true north.

WHAT MAKES YOU TICK?

For over a decade, I have been asking a simple question of sales pro-
fessionals, “What motivates you to do what you do?” I have always been most
interested in why people do what they do. Beyond the expected surface an-
swers such as, “To make a good living” or “To take care of my family,” exist
layers of motivation that enable the sales pro to overcome adversity and su-
percede trying circumstances.
My question, “What motivates you to do what you do?” has been di-
rected at discovering the intrinsic motivators that work best. Out of the
hundreds of queries I have made, the answers seem to fill six psychological
silos that prove to be a source of emotional sustenance to the seasoned
sales pro—in spite of the perplexities and hindrances the career may offer.
The six categories of lasting intrinsic motivation I have observed are:

1. Competitive nature
2. Desire for excellence
3. Curiosity and the desire to grow
4. An attitude of gratitude
5. Desire for building relationships
6. Noble purpose and goal

Competitive Nature

A competitive nature is the soil upon which the seeds of success are
sown. It is the systolic rhythm of the high achiever. When I refer to com-
petitive nature, I don’t mean to simply imply the narrow definition of “I’m
going to beat you at this game,” although that is one common expression
of the competitive nature. The competitive nature also expresses itself as:

• “I’m not going to let this thing beat me.”

• “No one else has been successful in this territory, but I will be.”
• “Every obstacle is just a challenge to measure the fight in me.”
120 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

• “I will win them over. It may be by persuasion, persistence, or

importunity—but I will win them over.”
• “Records are made to be broken.”
• “I know I can do this better than the next person.”

At the risk of tripping up readers who have been quite successful in

sales careers and feel they have not been intrinsically motivated by a com-
petitive nature, I will say that you are few and far between. Anyone who is
comfortable losing is a long shot for success in a sales-oriented profes-
sional. Why? Because the profession is filled with extremely competitive
personalities who will take advantage of your every mistake, weakness, and
oversight. Unless you have a distinct advantage in skill or networking, you
are going to need a competitive nature to survive. I’m reminded of the rid-
dle, “How do you beat Tiger Woods?” The answer, “Don’t play him in golf.”
If you expect to survive in a world of skilled competitors, and you yourself
cannot match their skill or competitiveness, then you’d better move to a
field where your skill level is superior.
When you get down to truth of survival in a capitalist society, every per-
son in every job must keep a competitive edge to survive—not just those in
the sales profession. The tacit challenge of others who have their eye on
your job or on your market share is always in the air, no matter what the
profession.
The fact of a competitive foundation in a free-market society bothers
many educators in our society who, lacking a competitive nature, are deeply
disturbed by the reality that a competitive nature is critical to success.
These individuals have done their best to sterilize learning and youth
sports of the competitive spirit and have performed a disservice in the
process. As an eighth grade basketball coach, I marveled at the inane pol-
icy of mandating equal playing time for all players, regardless of both skill
level and work ethic. Players who didn’t work in practice were rewarded
and those who were skilled and worked harder than the rest were pun-
ished. This is hardly what one could call “career preparation.”
When the competitive nature becomes destructive to relationships, how-
ever, it is harmful. Again, it is a matter of balance. Successful sales profes-
sionals have found proper and fitting expressions for their competitive
drives.
The study referred to earlier in this chapter also noted that half of the
sales professionals in financial services “traced back their individual success
mentality to involvement with sports and athletics in their childhood.” One
interviewee put it this way, “I can’t ever remember not wanting to succeed at
something, delivering newspapers or magazine subscriptions, playing base-
ball, skipping rocks with my brother. I’ve always had a competitive streak.”
 Finding Motivators That Last 121

If this statement does not describe your own approach to your profes-
sion, be assured that it most likely describes those competing against you.
Now, let’s look at finding the noblest expressions for this competitive na-
ture, which are tied to many other intrinsic motivators as well. “Curiosity and
the desire to grow” is an expression of the competitive nature competing
with one’s own skill level. The “desire for excellence” is the competitive na-
ture saying, “I can do this better than anyone else,” and competing against
one’s own potential. A “noble purpose and goal” is the competitive nature
taking on status quo, lack of progress, and injustice—and correcting them.
A good exercise for assessment of the competitive nature is Life Is a
Test. This exercise is a highly constructive introspective means for chan-
neling competitive drive. Try applying a trying situation you are experienc-
ing to the exercise in Figure 14.1.

Desire for Excellence

It has been said that to become world class in an instrument or sport

takes 10,000 hours of practice. At the core of such a disciplined schedule or
rigorous routine is the desire to better one’s own standards and the desire
to supercede standards set by others. The most resilient sales professionals

FIGURE 14.1 Life Is a Test

Exercise: Complete the following questions.

1. Describe a negative situation. _______________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

2. What attributes of my character are being tested?_______________________________

_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

3. How will I pass the test? ___________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
122 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

possess standards for effort and achievement that surpass those set by their
peers and corporations.
These resilient individuals are not in the business of avoiding high goals
and standards and are, in fact, highly motivated by the idea of doing some-
thing better than everyone else does. They pay attention to both the big
things and the little things because they know “God is in the details,” and
these details often spell the difference between mediocrity and excellence.
In fact, the word excellence is often heard when they talk about their goals
and business vision. They may have already outperformed their competi-
tion, but that fact does not cause any diffusion of energy, because they have
not yet realized their goal of true excellence in their operation.

Curiosity and the Desire to Grow

Cynical people typically advertise a worn, “been there, done that” am-
bience toward their work. On the other end of the emotional spectrum are
the curious with a “haven’t been there, would like to do that” approach to
life and work. They view learning as a lifelong process and see the connec-
tion between a desire to grow and life satisfaction. This desire to grow may
cause them to leave the company of partners or organizations that are
stuck and display no penchant for stretching and growth.
A memorable, inspiring moment in my life came on an airplane ride
home from Australia. I found myself engaged in a long conversation with
a man who, at the age of 77, was still teaching upper atmospheric physics
at a major university. I asked why he hadn’t retired, as was expected of a man
his age. His answer was brilliant.
“I have been studying upper atmospheric physics for just over 50 years,
just long enough to realize how much I don’t know. I haven’t quit because
I have so much left to learn about the upper atmosphere.”
“Doc,” I said, “that makes two of us.”
“Here was a man,” I thought to myself, “who possesses more motivation
at the age of 77 than most people 40 years his junior, and for one reason—
he is intrinsically motivated by a desire to grow and learn. His curiosity is
what keeps him young in spirit and mind and no doubt motivates him to
keep his body in its best possible working condition.”

An Attitude of Gratitude

Back in 2001, my friend Bobby Brooks was talking to me about all the
people he knew (himself included) who were being hit hard by the market
 Finding Motivators That Last 123

meltdown. Bobby, who is in a senior-level position at a major mutual fund

company, told me of peers who were complaining and whining about their
pay because they had overextended themselves in the good times and could
hardly pay their tax bill in bad times. Bobby’s take on the circumstances was
different. He said:

“I never let myself forget from whence I came. I never in my

life thought I would see the kind of money I’ve seen. Years ago I
worked for an appliance manufacturer. I was a young, energetic
guy, and they took me from making $30,000 a year to over six fig-
ures. Then one day, they offered me the job as National Sales
Manager. It was a tough decision, but I turned it down and went
into the financial services industry, and I’ve been very blessed in
my career. I try to think of it this way: even in a horrible year, I’m
still doing better than I would have done if I had taken that National
Sales Manager position.”

It does not matter if the pay is $30,000 or $300,000, you can find
plenty of people who are complaining and saying they deserve more. But
you will not find this emotional posture in great achievers. In those indi-
viduals, you find grateful attitudes about the opportunities they have en-
countered, the people they have been fortunate enough to meet, and the
material blessings they have received. This intrinsic motivation keeps them
out of pity parties.

Desire for Building Friendships

John Wenzel, a sales professional, told me a story about retirement that

I have shared with thousands of others because of the powerful lesson it
teaches. His family owns a piano store where his mother worked her entire
life. When she reached the age of 65, she retired just because it was expected.
Six months into her retirement, John got a call from the family doctor.
“John, I’m going to shoot straight with you. If you guys don’t put your
mother back to work, I don’t think she’ll live out the year.”
John and the rest of the family immediately responded, and John in-
forms me that today his mother is 86 years old and shows up every day at
the store to help sell pianos. This story illustrates the fact that alienation is
one of the greatest psychological traumas of retiring. Here was an individ-
ual who was intrinsically motivated in her life by building friendships—and
that motivator was stripped away. She missed talking to, selling to, and bond-
ing with the lives of others.
124 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Since I began telling this story, I have had numerous sales profession-
als approach me with similar sentiments and many who worried about re-
tirement for this reason. Harry, an auto/home/life insurance salesman,
put it this way: “I’ve spent years building a book of business made up of peo-
ple I like. I may go to part-time but never leave permanently. Why should I
leave just when it’s gotten to where it’s easy?” Harry’s business had come to
the point over the years where he felt like work was nothing more than sit-
ting around talking with and helping friends.
On a final note, recent studies on successful aging confirm that main-
taining multiple friendships is a key to aging well.

Noble Goal and Purpose

“The only ones among you who will be truly happy

a r e t h o s e w h o h a v e s o u g h t a n d f o u n d h o w t o s e r v e .”

— A L B E RT S C H W E I T Z E R

I have come to the belief that the most resilient souls on this planet are
those who are guided by a sense of purpose in the work that they perform.
In fact, when guided by a noble goal and purpose, these individuals can
withstand great degrees of discouragement. To help you begin tapping into
intrinsic motivators in your own life and career, complete the following Two-
Minute Motivation Drill by answering the following questions:

• What would you do if you had unlimited time and resources?

• Describe the noble purpose you feel you are accomplishing with your
work.

Steve sells estate planning. He is a top producer, and if you ask him why,
he will tell you his success is because of conviction. He has seen financial
misery added to grief to far too many lives because they didn’t prepare.
Marsha sells homes. She is a top producer because she believes there is
a difference between a house and a home. Her joy and mission is to help
people find their home.
Edward sells psychiatric pharmaceuticals. He is a top producer because
he has seen firsthand, in his own family, how people suffer with such mal-
adies and what a difference some drugs can make.
Robin sells books. She is a top producer because she believes that the
messages in these books have the power to transform and improve the qual-
 Finding Motivators That Last 125

ity of life for thousands. If she didn’t believe this, she wouldn’t show up for
work in the morning.
In Chapter 22, “It’s Not about You,” I share stories of people who ap-
proach their work with a passion for serving and who do phenomenally
well by doing good. For now, it will suffice to say that a central motivator
for resilient individuals is knowing that their actions will make a difference
in the lives of others. A noble goal is a goal with a healthy dose of idealism.
It is a goal that reaches beyond your own satisfaction or accumulation. This
goal can be measured by its ability to profit and improve the quality of life
for others. Those who lack this sense of purpose are both easily distracted
and discouraged.

THE EMOTIONAL FOUNDATION

Extrinsic motivators—external rewards, attention, recognition, and
control—have a vaporous power to motivate us. They are but a sandy foun-
dation for emotional success. The first waves of discouragement and ad-
versity can wash them away, and shoring up the sandy foundation causes
constant stress.
Intrinsic motivators are different. They are bedrock solid. They can take
beating and abuse, look adversity in the eye, and say, “That’s fine, but I’ve
got my own reasons for doing this.” These motivators are the cornerstones
of resilience in sales. Resilience is the earmark of the sales professionals
with whom you will one day do business because, although you can knock
them down, you cannot keep them down.

SELLING WITH EQ
• Know that the why of your work is as or more important than what
you do.
• Take inventory of your inner life to find sustaining motivation.
• Make sure you gain more than clients—gain friends.
 15
CHAPTER FIFTEEN

WINNING THE
EMOTIONAL TUGS-OF-WAR
The Power of Positive Intent

“The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What

we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly. I love the man that

can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress,

and grow brave by reflection. ’Tis the business of little minds to

shrink, but he whose hear t is firm and whose conscience approves

h i s c o n d u c t , w i l l p u r s u e h i s p r i n c i p l e s u n t o d e a t h .”

— T H O M A S PA I N E

The Principles of Emotional Intelligence

• In every situation, you transfer an emotional state.

• You can intentionally and positively influence the emotional state of
others.
• Effective and positive responses exist to all manner of negative emo-
tional states.

In his book, Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman tells the amazing

story of an American troop in the midst of a firefight in a rice paddy in
Vietnam. During the battle, six monks started walking directly toward the
fire of one of the elevated berms that separates the paddies. One of the
soldiers in the battle gave this account.

“They didn’t look left and they didn’t look right, they walked
straight through. It was strange because nobody shot at them. And

126
 Winning the Emotional Tugs-of-War / The Power of Positive Intent 127

after they walked over the berm suddenly all the fight was out of
me. I just didn’t feel like I wanted to do this anymore, at least not
this day. It must have been that way for everybody, because every-
body quit. We just stopped fighting.”

This story depicts in dramatic fashion an emotional phenomenon that

takes place in everyday life. The dominance of one emotional state over an-
other is the result of intentionality. Intentionality is the tug-of-war that takes
place when two emotional states confront one another and one state wins
out. This is a component of the emotional contagion discussed in Chapter 8,
“The Viral Spiral of Emotion.” The resilience component I wish to dissect
here is how to dominate negative environments and situations with the
power of positive intent.

THE MOOD DANCE

A study of mood transfer (reported by Ellin Sullins, Personality and Social
Psychology Bulletin, April 1991) reported on the subtleties of transferring
one’s emotional state to another.* The study conducted an experiment in
which two volunteers filled out a checklist about their moods at the mo-
ment. After the volunteers completed their checklists, they were left to sit
and face one another silently for a two-minute period. After the two min-
utes, they were given a mood checklist again. What the volunteers did not
know was that they were paired on the basis of their degree of expressive-
ness. One volunteer was highly expressive while the other was deadpan. In
each case, the emotional state of the expressive individual was transferred
to the more passive individual.
This emotional transfer has been explained by some as an “uncon-
scious imitation of the emotions we see displayed in someone else.” Swedish
researcher Ulf Dimberg found that when people view a smiling or angry
face, their own faces show evidence (visible through electronic sensors) of
changing toward that mood.
Think of it as a “mood dance”—a synchrony and transmission of emo-
tional states—that takes place in every conversation. At the end of each con-
versation, this synchrony of mood becomes the measuring stick of whether
we felt the meeting went well or not.

*
Ellin Sullins, “Emotional Contagion Revisited: Effects of Social Comparison and
Expressive Style on Mood Convergence,” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 17
(1991): 166–174.
128 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

DOMINATING THE PAINT

Great NBA centers feel a sense of ownership and jealousy toward the
center lane of the basketball hoop they defend. This lane is their territory.
By their imposing stature and occasionally blocking and misdirecting a shot
of an opponent, these players send the message that they “own the paint.”
They intend to dominate that territory with their presence. Those who are
skilled in the social skill of building rapport have also learned to establish
and jealously guard their spheres of influence in a positive, graceful man-
ner that makes a profound impression on those they interact with.
Intentionality could be described as that emotionally resolved state of
being that is firmly settled on bringing a domination of positive emotions to
interactions. Intentionality is also being determined not to be tricked or pro-
voked into hair-trigger, negative responses. This feature is a hallmark of those
skilled in building social rapport. These individuals are convinced that no
good can come by lowering themselves to the lowest common emotional de-
nominator, and they proceed as emotional leaders in their conversations.
In Emotional Intelligence, Goleman writes about the research of John
Cacioppo of Ohio State University, who has studied the subtleties of emo-
tional exchange. Cacioppo postulates that one major determinate of inter-
personal effectiveness is how deftly a person carries out this emotional
exchange. Those who are adept at tuning in to the mood of others, and
bringing those moods into sway with their own positive state, have much
more successful interactions at the emotional level. Contrarily, he notes that
people who are poor at receiving and sending emotions are much more
prone to relationship problems; people often feel uncomfortable with them
yet have trouble articulating why.
Goleman states, “Setting the emotional tone of an interaction is, in a
sense, a sign of dominance at a deep and intimate level: it means driving
the emotional state of the other person. When it comes to personal en-
counters, the person who has the more forceful expression—or the most
power—is typically the one whose emotions entrain the other.” To exercise
emotional dominance does not require that we dominate the conversation,
just the quality of that conversation. The definition Goleman offers in his
text for intentionality is “the wish and capacity to have an impact, and to
act upon that with persistence.”
Those who are interpersonally effective and competent seem to have
mastered this particular emotional competency. You are exercising inten-
tionality when you determine to be a dominating emotional force in your
territory of influence. This is sort of like the difference between being a sail
that is blown by every emotional wind and being the wind itself.
 Winning the Emotional Tugs-of-War / The Power of Positive Intent 129

MAKING THE MOST OF GARBAGE

Garbage dumps give off dangerous gases, the most notorious of which
are carbon dioxide and methane. Methane is the chief atmospheric crimi-
nal, contributing to the famed greenhouse effect that scientists say threat-
ens the earth’s atmosphere. Some innovative scientific minds in Quebec
felt that this highly vilified environmental enemy could actually be a friend
in disguise. This idea led them to invent a system for capturing, storing, and
converting the gas into energy. They have now stored enough methane to
supply electrical energy for over 35,000 homes.
How do you go about converting the emotional methane given off by the
negative personas you interact with? Can I, with intentionality, turn the tide
on arrogance, curtness, impatience, defensiveness, and the various other
gases contributing to the emotional greenhouse effect? We have three basic
choices when entering a polluted atmosphere.

1. Breathe it in.
2. Take offense and heighten the toxicity.
3. Convert the poison with positive intentionality.

A key for understanding negative behavior is understanding that an

area of emotional lack undergirds every negative word or action. To prac-
tice intentionality, you must avoid responding to the emotion on the sur-
face and attempt to read the underlying emotion. Once you have read the
situation, you can work to satisfy or pacify that need rather than react to the
tone on the surface. This skill requires maturity, patience and, most im-
portant, an educated view of the emotional landscape.
When confronted with a negative or stressed tone by a client, before
you react or respond, ask yourself, “What is the emotional need here?” When
confronted with arrogance, rather than taking immediate offense because
of your own emotional need to be treated with respect, ask yourself what
this individual lacks that causes her to communicate with arrogance. Is this
individual’s arrogance really chocolate-covered insecurity that causes her
to feel a constant need for recognition and to be right? Quite possibly.
For example, Stuart was perplexed that Marie met the business solu-
tion he offered to present to her company with defensiveness. This solution
was clearly what her business needed. What Stuart later realized was that
her resistance was undergirded by an emotional need to be seen as the
strategist in the organization. The solution didn’t bother her—the fact that
Stuart wanted to be the hero by doing the presentation bothered her a lot.
130 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

If you respond to arrogant statements based on the speaker’s needs

rather than on their arrogant tones, you stand a much better chance of
connecting and building social rapport. Although you may not necessarily
feel any genuine affection for an individual, you have built an interper-
sonal bridge where most people would walk away. I originally developed
the chart in Figure 15.1 to help customer service representatives respond
to clients who called with issues or complaints. Many sales professionals
have found these prescribed responses quite valuable when dealing with
negative clients who are spewing poisonous gases.
Rehearse some of these responses so that the next time you are con-
fronted with cynicism, arrogance, attacking, etc., you are not caught off
guard. You will be amazed at the level of rapport that can be established in
negative situations with intentionality. Remember, intentionality is about
the wish and capacity to have an impact and to act upon that wish with per-
sistence. The difference is in your intent.
You can take offense, which is akin to breathing in the poison, or you
can convert the poison into energy by reading and responding to the un-
derlying need. Of course, if you face clients who are so notoriously negative
that it requires a gas mask to sit in their presence, you may want to question
how hard you want to have work at the emotional level to keep such clients.

MAKING PAR FROM HERE

“My buddies and I play a golf game every week. One aspect of
the game we reward is making par after a terrible tee shot. We call
it the ‘all-American par,’ and we treat it with great respect, because
you have to keep your head to make it happen. I try to take this
same approach to mistakes I make in work and life. When I goof
up, which I inevitably do, I just tell myself, ‘I can make par from
here.’” —Jerry A., Sales Representative

One of the most difficult times to keep your emotions in check is when
you have just made a costly interpersonal mistake and you are attempting
to recover it. Either you get discouraged, or you try to justify the mistake—
and both will sink you.
Anthony sold parts and had been working for a long time to grab a key
account from his competition. It looked like his opportunity had finally ar-
rived, and he was scheduled to come in and make his proposal. Just before
his meeting, Anthony was informed by someone inside the company that
they were entertaining his proposal just to be able to go back to their cur-
rent supplier, drive their costs down, and push the service level up.
 Winning the Emotional Tugs-of-War / The Power of Positive Intent 131

FIGURE 15.1 Changing a Negative Climate

Negative Climate Prescribed Response Example of Prescribed Response

Arrogance Give strokes. “You’re right. I see what you are saying.”
Attacking Calmly take ownership “What would be the best way to improve
of problem. this situation?”
Curtness Listen and take note of “Let me take some notes here on how to
details. resolve this situation.”
Cynicism Use candor and “I’m not going to promise what I can’t
sincerity. deliver. You’ll be the ultimate judge of my
performance.”
Defensiveness Accept input and take “I can see why you’re saying that. How
servicing approach. would you like me to help?”
Demands Give realistic “So we can avoid any disappointment or
expectations. misconceptions, I’m going to paint a
realistic picture of what might and might
not happen.”
Skepticism Provide facts. “Let me pull out some data on this topic.”
Evasiveness Use leading questions. “Let me ask you a series of questions that
are designed to ensure that our services
match your needs.”
Frustration Be empathetic and “I would be frustrated too in your
come up with a simple circumstance. To resolve it, how about if
game plan. we do the following?”
Struggle for words Write down reflective “Let me get this down, you want me to first
statement and . . . and then put together a plan that will
proposed direction. do the following.”
Confusion Provide guidance with “Here’s a clear and simple way to solve
brevity and clarity. these issues.”
Impatience Give immediate plan “Today, I’m going to do . . . and call you to
of action. confirm it. Then, I will do . . . and
immediately confirm that in a letter.”
Oversensitive/ Lead by asking “So would you like me to do A, B, and C
volatile permission; do not or just A? All right, with your OK, I’ll get
temperament give orders. started on that.”
Disorganized Organize thoughts and “Let’s make a plan of action here and
presentation of create a plan. define the steps each of us needs to take.”
thoughts
132 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Being upset with this news, he called the decision maker to see if he
had a real chance at landing the account. This individual said, “Why do you
ask?” Now, Anthony was trapped. He either had to say he doubted the sin-
cerity of their intentions or that someone in the company had tipped him
off. He chose to say the latter. This angered the other party, and he told
him not to even bother because he would look elsewhere. Anthony had hit
his tee ball into the water.
If Anthony had been focused on positive intentionality in this situation
rather than on the negative emotion of being used, he would have created
an entirely different path of conduct. With intentionality, Anthony would
have been happy to take advantage of the face time before the client to im-
press him with the sheer emotional force of his personality. Lacking such
confidence and intentionality led him to become defensive and send the
interaction down the wrong path. Fortunately, Anthony’s boss understood
this particular emotional dynamic and helped him to recover.
Anthony went to his sales manager and told him his mistake. His man-
ager advised him to allow this gentleman time to cool off and to then show
up personally, offer his apologies, and reaffirm how much he wanted to do
business with him. He assured Anthony that this fellow would appreciate
such a good demonstration of character.
Anthony followed through and received a second chance to offer a
proposal. As he expected, he didn’t get the business. But a year or so later,
when some problems developed with the current vendor, Anthony was the
first to get a call and eventually landed the account.
Many sales professionals would have reacted differently than in the man-
ner prescribed by Anthony’s sales manager. Many would have become dis-
couraged with this misstep, beaten themselves up, and written off all
possibility of redemption. Others would have told themselves that it really
didn’t matter anyway and moved on. Both reactions would be like taking a
double bogey regarding the account in play.
Mistakes are as much a part of the game in sales as they are in golf. Just
as you must pay close attention to your grip, posture, and approach in golf,
you must do the same with all prospects. Inevitably you will hit some bad
ones. Make sure you have a game plan for making par when:

• You say the wrong thing to a prospect.

• You miss a time line or deadline.
• Your product or service fails to perform as promised.
• You fail to consult a key person in the decision chain.
• You must deliver news of rising costs.
 Winning the Emotional Tugs-of-War / The Power of Positive Intent 133

Sales professionals who have the emotional strength and social agility to
navigate through such difficulties have much greater rapport with clients than
those who avoid dealing with the situation or try to minimize the matter.
Intentionality is bringing a positive or calming emotion to negative interac-
tions with clients, and it is an axiomatic skill for survival in the sales world. As
one client stated, “I would much rather have my account representative deal
bad news to me personally than to find out on my own or get it from a third
party. Then I feel like they don’t have enough regard for me to warn me.”

SMOKE IN THE EYES

A man named Duane Pearsall was testing an electronic device
that controls static electricity, when he noticed that smoke from a
technician’s cigarette caused the meter in the device to go bad. At
first, he was irritated because he had to stop the experiment and
install another meter. Later, he realized that the reaction of the
meter to the smoke might prove to be a valuable bit of informa-
tion. This brief irritation proved to be a great opportunity, because
it led to the invention of the smoke alarm—now a standard part of
every home.

As a sales professional, you will experience a constant stream of irrita-

tions. Some annoyances come from the field, and others come from the
home office. How you react to those irritations will determine your emo-
tional state, level of resilience, and, ultimately, the quality of interpersonal
relationships—which are critical to your success.
If you are easily rattled or thrown off your emotional game by small an-
noyances, offenses, and irritations, your troubles can be attributed in part to
a lack of intentionality—not settled on being a dominatingly positive inter-
personal force. If so, you may not yet have constructed an emotional agenda
that you want to bring to the table. Take a moment and answer the ques-
tions in Figure 15.2 to help organize your emotional intent with others.
Decide to be a force of nature, not a reed blowing in the wind. This is
intentionality and, as such, will build rapport when others do not believe it
is possible. If six monks can possess enough calm to walk into a firestorm
of bullets and cause everyone to lay down their guns, you can walk into any
situation and dominate it with a resolutely positive emotional agenda.
134 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

FIGURE 15.2 The Emotional Agenda

1. When I’m around others, I try to make them feel: ________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

2. Key emotional words I try to focus on each day are: ______________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

3. Others would describe my emotional presence as:_______________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

4. Key characteristics about me that contribute to rapport with others include:

_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

5. When things aren’t going my way, I tell myself: _________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

SELLING WITH EQ
• Settle on the kind of emotional force you want to be. Decide how you
want others to feel after they have been in your presence.
• Decide how you will set your emotional sails in times of conflict and
adversity.
• Understand that good results only come from bad situations because
of positive intentionality.
 16
CHAPTER SIXTEEN

RISKING REJECTION
Getting Past No

“Ever y problem introduces you to yourself. It shows

h o w y o u t h i n k a n d w h a t y o u ’ r e m a d e o f .”

— G E O R G E M AT T H E W A D A M S

The Principles of Emotional Intelligence

• Resilience is a matter of both nature and nurture.
• Some other form of fear underlies the fear of rejection.
• Emotionally intelligent individuals can separate themselves from
the no.
• Self-consciousness will limit your sales success.

THE RESILIENT PERSPECTIVE

A young boy went out into his yard to play baseball, all alone.
This young fellow had big dreams. This week, he would try out for
a position on the local Little League squad.
He picked up the bat and a ball and prepared himself. He an-
nounced, “Ladies and gentlemen, coming to bat is the greatest base-
ball player in the world.”
He tossed the ball into the air, took a swing and missed.
“Strike one on the greatest baseball player in the world!”

135
136 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

He tossed the ball into the air a second time, took a mighty
swing and missed again.
“Strike two on the greatest baseball player in the world!”
With a look of dogged determination, he threw the ball into
the air one last time, swung ferociously, and caught nothing but air.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” he announced, “the greatest baseball
player in the world has just struck out—to the greatest pitcher of
all time.” —The Daily Dose

THE ROOTS OF FEAR

If you tend to beat yourself up, you are going to struggle in sales. If you
dream up reasons the client will say no before you even make a presenta-
tion, you will find selling difficult. If you have a morbid fear of rejection,
you will probably starve in sales. The fear of rejection is one of the great
emotional hurdles a sales professional must learn to conquer. This is not a
one-time hurdle but an every-time hurdle. You must keep yourself in ex-
cellent emotional shape, or you will find yourself tripped up—with skinned
knees and a bruised ego.
The fear of rejection can be traced to many quarters in the psyche. First,
look to your personality and temperament. I have made the observation in
the TEAM Dynamics personality classes that two of the four personality
types (Togetherness/Analyzer) struggle with rejection more than the other
two (Enterpriser/Motivator). The fear of rejection can also be a matter of
post-traumatic stress syndrome, in which the memory of a rejection earlier
in life sends you diving under the table like a war vet at the sound of a pop-
gun. The fear of rejection can also be rooted in various other fears such as
the fear of failure, fear of success, fear of humiliation, fear of not being
liked, or the fear of financial disaster. Or your fear of rejection could be a
lethal cocktail of all of the above in varying measures. Awareness of where
your fear takes root will go a long way toward overcoming it.

PULLING AT THE ROOTS

Azriela Jaffe, author of Starting from “No,” 10 Strategies to Overcome Your
Fear of Rejection and Succeed in Business, alleges that a number of underlying
fears form the soil for the fear of rejection to flourish in. These fears include:

• Fear of failure. Individuals fail to attempt selling in situations where they

do not feel safe. These individuals choose the path of least resistance.
 Risking Rejection / Getting Past No 137

This fear can result from having unrealistic definitions of success or

having a “beat yourself up” personality.
• Fear of success. Individuals feel undeserving of the success they think
they want and sabotage their progress with foolish decisions and con-
flicted lifestyles.
• Fear of humiliation. Every decline is taken as a personal rejection. This
fear is often rooted in memories of rejection/humiliation in earlier
life or childhood. The sales rejection stirs up this negative spin cycle,
and the individual prematurely exits the sales process to avoid these
feelings of humiliation.
• Fear of not being liked. This is common to the people pleasers. They
spend most of their time with people who like them. They avoid un-
pleasant tasks and difficult bargaining conversations. They are also
known for spending money and buying gifts as a way of ingratiating
themselves to clients.
• Fear of financial disaster. Individuals with this fear can be dangerous to
others and themselves. They will often push too hard to expedite results
and may rationalize questionable selling scruples out of desperation
for a payday. They are also vulnerable to placing their own interests
above those both of clients and of peers within their own firms.

The excuses for rejection in selling scenarios are many, and sales pro-
fessionals must have thick skin and ample emotional resilience to withstand
the chorus of nos that they will hear on the way to yes.

POST-TRAUMATIC SALES SYNDROME

We have all heard stories about the war vet who goes ballistic with the
least bit of provocation and instinctively dives under the table at the sound
of a muffler backfiring. This condition is known as post-traumatic stress
syndrome and is suffered by people who have encountered any sort of life-
altering trauma. Victims of crime, abuse, and catastrophic events also fight
the impulse toward radically defensive responses toward everyday stimuli.
The equivalent to this malady in the sales profession is the prospect or client
who has been burned by a competitor or associate.
Jimmy was a fresh-faced neophyte walking into a lion’s den of discon-
tentment when he made the first sales call of his career. His company had
gone through six different reps in five years in this territory. His manager
told him to buck up for rejection, as prospects and clients would be in a
state of justifiable skepticism. Skepticism was too sterile a term for what he
would encounter on this first call.
138 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

The business owner looked down at Jimmy’s business card and spouted,
“I’ll tell you what you can do, why don’t you and your company go and
@#*&% yourself.”
Jimmy, knowing he was not responsible for previous battle scars and
not being one to take himself too seriously, retorted, “Sir, if I could have
done that I would never have left home this morning.”
The business owner looked up with a stunned smirk on his face, know-
ing he had failed to chase this kid away, and said, “You know your company
has made some real screwups here.”
“I’ve been told,” Jimmy replied, “and though I have no right to ask it,
I would like the opportunity to rectify past mistakes and show you a better
face for my firm.”
“You’re all right, kid. I’ve got your card. I’ll give you a call when we start
taking quotes again. Keep in touch.”
Jimmy eventually heard the stories of previous grievances and within
two years recovered the business for his firm. He accomplished it by virtue
of playing psychologist and mediator. If you sense a tone of animosity or ag-
itation in their rejections, some old war injuries may be behind the dis-
missal. If you have the desire to listen and the skill to inquire, they will tell
you stories about:

• Your company
• Your product category
• Your industry
• Previous reps

You can begin to rebuild trust with these clients by listening to their
stories, and by reading between the lines, about the values they want to see
in a vendor. Hopefully, you are confident in the character of the firm and
the integrity of the product you represent, because it is that integrity and
character alone that can win back a client suffering from post-traumatic
sales syndrome.

ANALYZING NO
“If someone chooses not to buy from me, I am not afraid to ask
why. Some people will give me lame reasons, but others who are
more straightforward have helped me to improve my presentation.
I have found that a certain percentage of rejections I get are based
on perceptions that I helped to create or failed to create. I would
 Risking Rejection / Getting Past No 139

have never known this had I not asked.” —Paul F., Communication
Systems Consultant

While every good sales professional knows why a prospect would say yes
to their offerings, it may be of equal or greater importance to know why
they are saying no. If you ask, enough people will be straightforward that
you can gain valuable insight into their decision-making logic. A high per-
centage of the answers you hear will fall into the following categories.

• Price
• Satisfied with current product
• Features—not the right fit
• Not ready to change
• Lack of confidence in product or company
• Bad experience with company or similar company

After you have performed careful rejection analysis, you will intuitively
alter your presentation to answer these objections and, most important, do
a better job of uncovering areas of dissatisfaction first. People buy to solve
problems, and selling is difficult without knowing what the problems are.
If your rate of nos is higher than it should be, it could be attributable to the
lack of discovery of the prospects’ world and challenges they face.

TOO MUCH MONEY

If your nos are based primarily on price, then you may need to work on
how well you demonstrate value. Price is an issue most often when suffi-
cient value is not perceived. Economic logic will always be the source of the
majority of nos, simply because most people tend to value price (to you it’s
the price, to them it is the cost) over benefit. If you are certain that the
product you offer is worth the price premium, then you must find ways to
communicate that value. The following creative story comes to mind.

J. J. looked at his watch and asked his prospect what time he

had. The prospect told him, “Quarter past ten.”
J. J. said, “That’s the same time I have, but I can’t help but no-
tice the fine watch you’re wearing. Is that a Rolex?”
“Yes it is,” the prospect replied.
“I would guess that my watch probably cost less than one-tenth
of what your watch cost, yet it just gave the exact time that your
140 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

watch gave. Why do you suppose your watch is worth so much more
money?”
The prospect explained the fine workmanship that the Rolex
name represents.
J. J. replied, “The similarities are only on the surface. I would
offer that as an analogy of my product vs. the competitor’s prod-
uct. They may sound like they are telling you the same time as we
are, but when you look below the surface, you will find that we are
the Rolex of this industry.”

When people reject your proposals on the basis of price, very often
they do not understand the value of what you offer. We have all learned the
lesson of “you get what you pay for.” We pay ahead of time for value. We pay
later for the lack of value.

DEALING WITH CHANGE

A certain percentage of your nos will be based on this principle—many
people struggle with change, and shifting their business to you means they
have to engage in change. This is an emotional issue that emotionally in-
telligent individuals will address with gentle persistence and by exposing
their own personalities, until the prospect becomes comfortable enough to
trust them.
Individuals may be comfortable with the product they are using, even
though it comes up short. They may be comfortable with the person or
people they are currently dealing with, because they have invested in that
relationship. They may abhor the prospect of rearranging systems and re-
training people. Some individuals just hate the idea of anything that threat-
ens their routines.
Strangely, people are often resistant to and threatened by what they
need most—new and fresh approaches. Clarke’s Law of Revolutionary
Ideas states that every revolutionary idea in science, politics, art, or any
other realm evokes three stages of reaction, summed up by these three
phrases.

1. It is impossible. Don’t waste my time.

2. It’s possible, but it’s not worth doing.
3. I said it was a good idea all along.

Clarke’s Law will apply to you if you are selling a product or idea that
forces a paradigm adjustment or a new way of doing things. Rather than fil-
 Risking Rejection / Getting Past No 141

ing the no in the rejection bin, consider that some rebuffs are indicative of
the struggle to change and invite persistence until the client is duly accli-
mated to the idea.

LANGUAGE THAT FITS YOU

Will described to me the difficulty he was having with the close his com-
pany told him to use. I asked him to use the close with me as if I was a po-
tential client. I couldn’t help but notice the discomfort in his eyes and body
language as he asked me to “get started.” His words were aggressively mov-
ing forward and his body language was backing up in apology for the ag-
gressive words. I told him he didn’t look or sound convincing with the close,
and he admitted he wasn’t. The baseline problem was that his personality
(Togetherness) is not aggressive by nature. He wants to make sure the
other person feels comfortable before moving forward. We worked on script-
ing a close that was synchronous with his personality—he positioned him-
self as a partner and teammate with the client. When he used this approach,
he felt no emotional awkwardness, and, consequently, expressed no apol-
ogy in his eyes.
Each personality style can succeed in sales only so long as his or her
natural temperament matches:

• The product/services being sold

• The method in which the product is sold (e.g., cold calling vs. fol-
lowing up on inquiries)
• The script the company prescribes

Operating outside of these comfort zones will only increase the fear of
rejection.

A PRODUCT OF NATURE
I often have been amazed at the number of people who enter sales ca-
reers without making an honest assessment of their own resilience levels. A
fellow approached me after a speech and said, “I can’t stand when people
don’t like me. Consequently, I tell them what they want to hear and over-
promise, and they end up not liking me because of it.” Another sales profes-
sional told me, “I went into sales because I wanted to make more money, but
I’m a perfectionist and I hate getting rejected. I honestly prefer working by
myself. My wife, on the other hand, makes huge money in sales, because she
142 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

is made of Teflon when it comes to being rejected. I’m going to have to get
out before I drive myself crazy.”
You can learn many interesting lessons from watching children make
their first selling steps, be it selling lemonade at a stand, selling pizzas door-
to-door for the hockey team, or selling boxes of Girl Scout cookies. I have
made notes on the personality types of my older children and their natural
responses to selling. Here is what I’ve seen.

• Nate (high T personality—easygoing, sensitive nature). He made one ef-

fort to sell assertively and never returned. He could not stand the
embarrassment of hearing no. He did start a successful lawn service
by placing fliers in mailboxes and waiting for customers to call him.
• Nic (high M personality—outgoing, energetic, uses charm to advantage). He
led his entire school in a booster club campaign selling wearable ac-
cessories. When I questioned him on his strategy, he said he started
with the police officer that led the DARE campaign who initially said,
“No,” to which Nic responded, “Well, I know you want to promote
school spirit.” The officer bought. He then went to trendsetters and
leaders in the student population and sold to them, etc. As a parent,
I know all too well his penchant for refusing to take no for an answer.
• Sophia (high E personality—thinks out of the box, not afraid of being un-
usual). She painted rocks and sold them door-to-door for $1 each.
She holds periodic lemonade/garage sales with a kid emphasis. She
promoted a $1.50 car wash throughout the neighborhood. She likes
to develop unusual concepts like “lost pet recovery service.”
• Alec (high A personality—at age seven, Alec has absolutely no interest in sell-
ing, but is happy to share in the proceeds). He is possible future sales man-
agement material.

I am convinced that any personality type can be successful in a sales ca-

reer, as I have seen each type flourish and prosper. No doubt, however, two
types (Enterprisers and Motivators) display natural resiliency toward the re-
jection inherent in sales. You must find an approach synchronous with your
personality.

THE NUMBERS GAME

I have made this observation about the most resilient sales profession-
als in every industry: they understand the ratio of rejection inherent in
their industry, and they create emotional separation from those rejections
by treating the business as a numbers game.
 Risking Rejection / Getting Past No 143

“There is no way to totally detach yourself emotionally from

the selling process. You will feel elated and disappointed. But you
can’t get caught up in either or the ride is too manic. It always
seems to come back to the law of averages. You have some prospects
who look and sound so promising, but they don’t pan out. You have
others that look like it will never happen, yet it does.” —Louise T.,
Sales Professional

Theresa sells advertising and knows that, in a good economy, one out
of twenty prospects are likely to buy her product. Her product has a rejec-
tion ratio of 95 percent. Until she had a firm grip on the rejection ratio in-
herent to her product, she felt like a failure every day. Now she knows the
numbers game, and even though she goes through streaks where the ratio
is higher or lower, she expects to close at least 5 percent over time.
Mitch sells retirement plans. He told me that when he first started, he
would go through an emotional ebb every time he was rejected—until he re-
alized that it was a numbers game. Some people needed what he had to offer,
some were satisfied with what they had, and some were habitual procrastina-
tors. Once he realized that his rejection ratio was going to be 60 to 70 per-
cent, he decided he had to see more people every week to achieve success.
He is now obsessively organized in scheduling as many prospects as he
can fit into a week’s schedule. He led the nation for his company in the
number of new accounts signed up in his first year. He signed up over 900
new accounts. Most were small and medium accounts, but he knew they
would grow with time. Mitch never lets a day go by without seeing at least
four or five prospects. He works hard at utilizing referrals and keeping on
top of scheduling. He understands how the numbers work.
Less resilient sales professionals focus too much on the emotional as-
pect of the sales rejection and too little on the law of averages. What sales
professionals have is not for everyone, and even if it is, not everyone will
understand it. To be successful in sales, individuals must study their indus-
try, calculate the success ratio of the top-level achievers, mimic their habits,
and try to avoid getting caught emotionally by rejections.

KEEP FISHING
Robert Louis Stevenson wrote, “To travel hopefully is better than to ar-
rive.” To fear rejection is not what one could call “traveling hopefully.” Paul
Quinnet, in his book Pavlov’s Trout, wrote, “It is better to fish hopefully than
to catch fish. Fishing is hope experienced. To be optimistic in a slow bite is
to thrive on hope alone. When asked, ‘How can you fish all day without a
144 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

bite?’ the true fisherman replies, ‘HOLD IT! I think I felt something.’ If the
line goes slack, he says, ‘He’ll be back!’ When it comes to the human spirit,
hope is all. Without hope, there is no yearning, no desire for a better to-
morrow, and no belief that the next cast will bring the big strike.”
The sales game is best played with a focus on the bites, strikes, and
catches—not on the fish that swim by, or those that look and swim away, or
those that ignore you altogether. Embrace rejection as an integral part of the
game. Try new lures, work on your casting skills, remain quiet enough to not
scare the big fish away, and, most of all, make sure you are fishing in the right
pond.

SELLING WITH EQ
• Take time to figure out why people are saying no.
• Don’t take no as a personal rejection.
• Work hard at finding out what a client needs to feel comfortable
enough to buy.
 17
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

THE FACE YOU SEE

The Face You Show

“ W h e n t h e e y e s s a y o n e t h i n g a n d t h e t o n g u e a n o t h e r, t h e

p r a c t i c e d m a n r e l i e s o n t h e l a n g u a g e o f t h e f i r s t .”

— R A L P H WA L D O E M E R S O N

“ W o m e n s p e a k t w o l a n g u a g e s , o n e o f w h i c h i s v e r b a l .”

—STEVE RUBENSTEIN

The Principles of Emotional Intelligence

• Facial and body language are more reliable forms of communication
than the words people speak.
• People who are skilled in reading nonverbal signals are more popu-
lar and successful in all social aspects of life.
• People help others to feel more comfortable in their presence by
paying closer attention to the signals they send.

The above quote about women speaking two languages is only half true.
All people speak two languages, one of which is verbal. The reason women
receive more notoriety for mastery of the unspoken language is because
they naturally are more attuned to the sending and receiving of nonverbal
signals. Women literally have superior “wiring” in their brains in terms of
the communication that takes place between the rational functions (left
side) and the sensing, intuitive functions (right side).
Split-brain research has revealed that in the bundle of nerves (corpus
callosum) that connects the two sides of the brain, women literally have 15
percent more nerves. This is analogous to having a cable modem vs. a

145
146 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

phone modem. Not only do women get a clearer signal, they get it quicker.
This would explain why the following scenario happens. Two couples are
out to dinner. One wife kicks her husband under the table as he is saying
something. He stops and says incredulously, “What?” Then, suddenly, com-
prehension registers on his face, and he says, “Ooh . . .” He got the tacit
clue about six seconds after his wife.
Just because a woman has superior wiring, however, does not mean in-
tuition is her exclusive domain. Intuition is not a mystical, ineffable phe-
nomenon possessed only by psychics and mothers. Intuition is literally the
language of the right side of the brain as it reports on observations about
a person’s tone, body language, movements, and manner. We, as members
of a society that has always prized scientific reasoning above all else, have
never been trained to listen to the “logic” of the emotional, sensing side of
our brains—intuition.
Research has also demonstrated that this side of our brain takes about
1
⁄24th of a second to receive, process, and report a nonverbal signal. However,
depending on how well developed their empathy skills are, many people
take 24 hours or more before “the coin drops” and the intuitive message
can work its way through the rational clutter that drowns it out.
The link between what the emotions are feeling and what the face and
body are advertising is so quick that much of it falls beyond a person’s con-
trol. The facial reactions are almost automatic and, consequently, are highly
reliable indicators of a particular emotion. The Latin word motere, from
which we derive the word emotion, means to move—suggesting that emotion
in the brain sets the body into motion. Different emotions trigger the body
for different responses. Here are some examples.

• If we feel angry, we experience an adrenaline rush, our heart rate in-

creases, and blood flows to our hands preparing us for battle. Our
faces tense and lock into an intimidating posture, and we clench our
fists.
• If, on the other hand, we feel happy, activity increases in the part of
our brains that inhibits negative feelings, quiets anxieties, and in-
creases our energy levels. The body goes into a state of rest and calm,
enabling us to recover more quickly from upset. The face and eyes
reveal this blissful condition with a hakuna matata (no worries) de-
meanor, which indicates that nothing, at this point, can upset us.

Jo-Ellan Dimitrius, Ph.D., is a leading expert on jury selection and has

been a consultant in many high-profile trials, including the O. J. Simpson
and Rodney King cases. In her book, Reading People, she writes:
 The Face You See / The Face You Show 147

“Most of our body language is beyond our control. . . . Few peo-

ple are aware of all their physical reactions to the world around
them, and fewer still can always control those actions, even if they
want to. Manners and poise may be consciously learned, but facial
expressions, eye blinking, leg crossing, and nervous tapping are
difficult to consistently repress. I’ve seen enough people on the
witness stand to know that it’s nearly impossible to control body
language, even if one’s fate depends upon it.”

EMOTIONAL ADVERTISEMENTS
Because physiological chemical reactions shift into gear as emotions are
felt, the symptoms or signals of this brain/body reaction are instantly ad-
vertised on the face and body. When making a presentation to a client, it is
important to be aware and highly attuned to this fact. People don’t have
time to think about sending signals; it just happens. The emotions they feel
trigger an automatic motor response. When we are angry, we tense our lips.
When we are doubtful, we raise our eyebrows. When we are disgusted, we
wrinkle our noses. When we sense a lack of credibility, we roll our eyes.
We must be conscious of unspoken signals at two levels—those we see
and those we send. The reason we should think about the signals we send
is because signals easily can be misinterpreted. For example, I noticed that
my wife and children would often ask me, “Are you mad?” because of my
habit of pursing my lips and narrowing my eyes when I’m concentrating.
Their brains were telling them that I was displaying the facial language of
anger, which actually is my facial language displaying intense thought.
Just as the cerebral calculator in our brains can deliver faulty logic or a
wrong number, so the intuitive calculator can deliver the right interpretation
in the wrong context. Once my children became aware of the context (paper
and pen or book in hand), they no longer asked me if I was angry when they
saw that look on my face. This is why it is dangerous to believe that body lan-
guage doesn’t lie—because of the fallibility of our interpretations.
I have heard people teach how to read body language in a manner that
suggests, “Every time you see this, it means this. . . .” This sort of thinking is
naïve and only serves to narrow our interpretation of the context of the sit-
uation and to shut down our empathy capabilities. My intention here is to
raise awareness of body language, not to narrow that awareness. A more re-
liable interpretation of body language signals is “When you see this, it usu-
ally or quite often indicates this. . . .” A less dogmatic view will keep your
emotional radar from jamming.
148 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

For instance, I have heard it taught that every time clients move forward
in their chairs, it means they want you to close the deal—they are ready to
buy. What happens if you dogmatically act on this teaching and begin clos-
ing the sale only to find out that the individual moved forward in his chair
because he had to go to the rest room? As a rule of thumb, I suggest paying
more attention to what the face and body are saying—with a caution to pay
equal attention to both context and one’s own capacity for jumping to the
wrong conclusion. You could be reading some false advertising.

BODY LANGUAGE CHECKPOINTS

Successful sales professionals would not think of going into an impor-
tant presentation without first rehearsing their content. Yet studies show
that people are more influenced by tone and body language than they are
by content. Go through a quick rehearsal of your body language as well.
Study your face in the mirror when experiencing specific emotions. For ex-
ample, think about being surprised and watch the reaction on your face.
Think of someone lying to you and watch that reaction register. Think of
being ready to purchase something and see how it affects your countenance.
Think of hearing a price that you think is out of line and observe the facial
signals. Think of saying something when you do not intend to follow through
and watch for the indicators on your face and in your eyes. This technique
is a simple method for schooling your powers of observation to be sharp
and attuned with your clients.
It is important to be aware of the signals you are sending as well as the
signals your client is sending. Following are two short checklists (Figures
17.1 and 17.2) for your mental file before you walk into a presentation:

FIGURE 17.1 Check Yourself

□ Your eyes. Are your eyes open, receptive, and inviting, or questioning, intense, and
scrutinizing?
□ Your facial muscles. Are your facial muscles tense (communicating disapproval, stress)
or are they relaxed? Can you smile easily with your teeth and eyes?
□ Hands. Are your hands closed? Are you pointing? Are your hands open (communicating
generosity, helpfulness, and open-mindedness) and your gestures smooth and gentle?
□ Posture. Are you looking down your nose? Are you too far or too close? Is your posture
open or closed?
 The Face You See / The Face You Show 149

FIGURE 17.2 Check Your Client: Warning Signs

□ The raised eyebrow. Needs validation, shows pessimism.

□ Scrunched-up nose. Lacks credibility, foolish.
□ Narrowed eyes. Uncertain, skeptical.
□ Rolling eyes and/or pursed lips. Shows disapproval, disgust.
□ Frozen smile. Afraid to express true feelings of disapproval or disagreement.
□ Nervous gestures. Anxious about topic at hand or just a constant nervous habit (e.g.,
tapping fingers, shuffling objects).
□ Darting/fidgeting eyes. Bored; feels pace too slow or material irrelevant.
□ Hand to forehead. Confused or stressed.
□ Hand to chin. Processing the information.
□ Looking away. Avoiding topic or conflict.
□ Looking up. Thinking through topic.
□ Head on desk; loud snoring sound. Presentation so good you put them in a dream state!

FACING YOUR CLIENT

Bill Acheson is a Professor of Communications at the University of Pitts-
burgh and a highly popular speaker on the topic of reading body language
in a selling situation. He believes that facial expression is the most common
tool by which we gather information about other people. He states, “We not
only use the face to identify others, we use it to determine their initial emo-
tional state and any changes that might occur during the communication
process.” Acheson believes that facial expression is more emotionally reveal-
ing and more accurate than the spoken word.
“In sales,” Acheson writes, “facial expression is the primary feedback
tool that guides you through the selling process. It provides valuable feed-
back about how the selling process is progressing. Level of interest, desire,
and indication of honesty or deception can be identified by changes in fa-
cial expression. Sales professionals not only react to facial responses to re-
inforce points that are important to the prospect but also identify and deal
with objections before they become stumbling blocks.”
How important is facial expression? Another way to answer that ques-
tion is to ask why each year sales professionals log millions of miles to get
face-to-face with their prospects and clients. It is rather pointless to log all
those miles if we are not going to practice extreme vigilance in regards to
body language. Why make the drive if not to capitalize on the face-to-face
150 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

opportunity to become a better observer? When we face the prospect or

client, we can witness the subtle indications of heightened awareness sug-
gestive of positive feedback as well as signs of tacit disapproval. Both are
critical for initial sales success and for maintaining long-term professional
relationships.
Communication researchers have determined as many as 38,000 dif-
ferent combinations of facial expressions involve over 20 muscles. And yet,
despite this wide range of possibilities and the impact of cultural influences,
facial expressions are not only readily identifiable, they are surprisingly re-
liable indicators of emotional responses.
Researchers Paul Ekman and Wallace Friesen have identified six uni-
versal facial expressions: surprise, happiness, fear, anger, disgust, and sad-
ness. Of all possible emotional states, only these six expressions are displayed
similarly throughout the world. Researchers also find that these expressions
are typically identified with very high levels of accuracy.

FACIAL LITERACY
Acheson warns that although facial expression is the primary means by
which we transmit information about our emotional state to others, it has
some potentially limiting factors. Following are some key points to consider
regarding body language.

Facial expressions may be consciously controlled. Ekman points to three

basic rules in the social consensus about which feelings can be shown and
when they can be shown. Three common displays are minimizing, exag-
gerating, and substituting. Individuals can choose to withhold information
by minimizing their facial expressions, projecting an emotional response
where none is actually present, or project a false emotional state. Each of
these choices can greatly impact the quality of communications in a profes-
sional setting. In many scenarios, you can gain a distinct advantage by re-
stricting emotional expression. Feigned interest is an unstated goal of the
sophisticated buyer.

Facial expressions are notoriously short in duration. Although we tend to

display a general emotional state to those around us, a genuine facial re-
sponse is short-lived, usually less than several seconds. The expression of
shock has the longest duration, lasting over three seconds. To achieve an
accurate assessment of facial expression in a sales situation, one must focus
on the face as information is shared. Otherwise the actual response is easy
to miss, or it may be consciously manipulated either to conceal or mislead
the sales professional to maintain some degree of negotiating power.
 The Face You See / The Face You Show 151

A relatively new term, microexpression, describes a facial expression typi-

cally lasting a microsecond. Microexpressions are highly accurate emo-
tional responses, which often indicate a socially unacceptable response or
may reveal a highly charged emotional state that is best concealed, thus
their short duration. In research, even when observers are coached to look
for microexpressions, they actually identify them less than 30 percent of the
time. Yet microexpressions are extremely accurate and revealing. In sales,
a particularly high price might reveal a prospect’s naïveté, which she may
immediately attempt to conceal behind a veneer of indifference (literally
“lack of emotion”). The discovery of the microexpression is due to advanced
film technology. With more sophisticated tools, greater precision is possi-
ble in assessing facial expression.

Facial blending is the term used to describe the fact that, very often, we
express more than one emotion at a time. This notion is critical to the so-
phisticated sales professional. Given the propensity to minimize facial ex-
pressions (much more common to males than females) in a sales meeting
or negotiation session, subtle cues indicating positive or negative responses
become even more valuable. Enlarged pupils, chin stroking, or a combina-
tion of pursing of the lips and slightly nodding the head are favorable in-
dicators. Breaking eye contact, furrowing eyebrows, or shaking the head
side to side indicate negative responses.

Bilateral symmetry indicates level of intensity and possible deception. If

you draw an imaginary line down the center of a person’s face and then
compare or, more likely, contrast the facial responses on both halves of the
face, you will often gather revealing information. With very few exceptions
(my own estimate is less than 2 percent), the left side of the face is more
emotionally honest. If someone gives you a half smile by raising the right
cheek and turning up the right corner of the lips, the expression is literally
halfhearted. Simply stated, the right side of the body is controlled by the left
hemisphere of the brain—the conscious or logical side—and the left side of
the body is controlled by the right hemisphere of the brain—the subcon-
scious or emotional side. By assessing the level of involvement of each half
of the face, you can pretty accurately read how genuine the response is. In
a sales situation, a full, balanced response is the most desirable response, in
that it indicates a higher level of involvement and commitment. A predom-
inantly right-sided response indicates a potential lack of emotional commit-
ment. And a left-sided response suggests some level of internal conflict that
may need to be resolved before reaching a satisfactory conclusion.

There are three identifiable smiles. The upper smile exposes only the
upper teeth and is the most socially acceptable smile showing a balance of
152 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

response and control simultaneously. The full smile indicates both upper
and lower teeth and in a professional setting is most likely to be perceived
as inappropriate. In a group, when only one individual smiles to this ex-
tent, that person is typically perceived to be out of control or inappropriate.
The simple or “self” smile shows the upper lip turned up (without showing
the teeth) and indicates smugness.

FACE THE MUSIC

Most of us tend to give substantially more weight to the face than other
channels of nonverbal communication such as posture, gesture, or eye con-
tact. This emphasis probably stems from our belief that facial language re-
veals much about personality and character. This emphasis on the face can
become problematic when we ignore the signals coming from gesture, pos-
ture, or the eyes. Have you ever seen a prospect smiling and nodding ap-
proval, yet leaning toward the door? All signals should be taken in balance
to become nonverbally literate.

KEY TO POPULARITY AND SOCIAL SUCCESS

Empathetic acuity—the ability to read the feelings of others—has been
correlated in studies with popularity, better adjusted emotional lives, and,
not surprisingly, better love lives. Robert Rosenthal, a Harvard psycholo-
gist, learned this by developing a test of nonverbal sensitivity that he has
conducted with over 7,000 adults in 18 different countries.
In a test he developed for children, Rosenthal found that those who
showed an aptitude for reading feelings nonverbally were among the most
popular in their schools, were among the most emotionally stable, and were
better performers in the classroom—even though their IQs were not higher
on average than those who were not empathetically literate.
The implications of this finding are profound. The only ways to ex-
plain this superior performance, not dependent on IQ, are:

• Empathetic ability smoothes the way for classroom effectiveness.

• Empathetic ability causes students to be better liked by their teach-
ers and results in some degree of favor.

Here again, we are faced with evidence of success hinging on EQ as

much or more than it does on IQ. The empathetic children in the class-
room are a perfect analogy for the effective sales professional in the field.
 The Face You See / The Face You Show 153

Those skilled at reading nonverbal messages and responding appropriately

are more popular, more emotionally stable, and more effective in their jobs.
They know what to look for in the faces they see, and they know what to dis-
play in the faces they show.
A common trademark in top performers in the sales profession is that
the best of the best are great observers of people around them. They study.
They listen. They watch. They’ve learned that the real work of sales gets
done by what they see, not by what they say. It is by your powers of obser-
vation alone that you can discern whether your client “gets it” by truly un-
derstanding and feeling the need for the product you sell.

SELLING WITH EQ
• Pay as much attention to clients’ reactions as you do to your presen-
tations.
• Don’t talk past “buying signals.”
• Display a face that advertises friendliness, openness, and flexibility.
 18
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

DEVELOPING
EMOTIONAL RADAR
The Powers of Observation

“Don’t watch the cards while they are being dealt; watch the faces

o f t h e p l a y e r s w a t c h i n g t h e c a r d s b e i n g d e a l t . Yo u c a n c h e c k

y o u r h a n d l a t e r. I t ’ s n o t g o i n g a n y w h e r e . J u s t s e e i f a n y b o d y

f l i n c h e s o r b l i n k s o r s m i l e s o r e v e n l o o k s a w a y .”

— A N D Y B E L L I N , Poker Nation

The Principles of Emotional Intelligence

• Your powers of persuasion are wasted if not matched by equal pow-
ers of observation.
• Each personality type is given away by idiosyncratic body language
clues.
• The clients’ tones and word choices are clear indicators of how they
want to be approached.

I recently gave a presentation to the board of a large international bank.

I was there at the invitation of a senior-level executive who had risen to a
lofty position at a very young age. During my presentation, I couldn’t help
but notice that he was paying very little attention to me, or so it seemed,
until I realized that he was reading the room like a great poker player.
This gentleman had “skin in the game.” He had asked me to present
to this powerful group of independent thinkers in hopes that they would
adopt my ideas. When I delivered critical points in my presentation, he was
gauging the expressions in the eyes, faces, and postures of all 12 board mem-
bers. He wasn’t reading the cards; he was reading their reactions. I had no

154
 Developing Emotional Radar / The Powers of Observation 155

doubt that his observational artistry had something to do with his preco-
cious rise to the top.

BECOME A BETTER OBSERVER

To master the emotional intelligence competency of empathy requires
learning how to improve observational skills. An impeding factor that pre-
vents many from succeeding with people and building strong relationships
is an inability or unwillingness to observe clients skillfully. If we are the ones
doing most of the talking, it is much more difficult to observe the client.
We rarely learn anything while our mouths are moving. Those who win are
the people who master the art of observing. The reason many do not ob-
serve is simply because they don’t know what to look for. In this chapter, we
will focus specifically on the “tells” of personality.
To improve your observational skills, you must learn how to recognize
quickly the personality style of your clients and prospective clients. This skill
is really quite simple. Although it may sound complicated, after you learn
the signals and begin observing those around you, you will be shaking your
head at how obvious and predictable most people are. The natural follow-
up is learning how to apply these skills in a selling situation, which is what
the following chapter, “Shifting Gears—Four Critical Selling Adjustments,”
is about—customizing your sales presentation for each personality type.
One organic problem in a typical sales organization is that those doing
the selling are typically passionate people. While their passion contributes
toward making them interesting and engaging, this passion also leads many
of them to believe erroneously that “selling is in the telling.” In actuality,
we can only sell after we’ve properly read the client. It is more important to
be able to read a tell than to do the telling. Telling before listening or ob-
serving is like throwing random seeds prior to checking the suitability of
the soil and climate. Being passionate will not help you overcome the soil
and climate. Oranges won’t grow in North Dakota, no matter how con-
vinced the sower is that they will.
Following, I will give you the visual and audio clues or tells of each of
the four personality styles. You will become a better player by first becom-
ing a more skilled observer. Commit these personality tells to memory and
begin to look for them in your next conversation.
First, let’s review the core of each of the four personality styles. Your
empathetic radar must be alert to pick up on the personality needs of each
client. Every personality has a receiver and an antenna that is tuned to pick
up on specific signals. Ask yourself what the receiver of each personality
style is looking for.
156 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

When individuals of the Togetherness personality walk into the room,

their receivers are tuned for feelings and respect. Their main concerns are
sensitivity—how something is going to play out to other people and the de-
gree of respect you demonstrate.
An Enterpriser’s receiver is tuned for results and competency. “Are you
going to help me get results?” “Are you competent enough to get the job
done?”
If you are working with Analyzers, their receivers are tuned towards ac-
curacy and predictability. “Is this going to be right?” “Can I count on you to
follow through in a predictable fashion?”
The Motivator’s receiver looks for friendliness and energy. “Are you going
to be easy or difficult to work with?” “How much energy can you bring to
the table?” “How positive a person are you?”

RECOGNITION TOOLS
Ultimately, the goal is for you to make these radar observations intu-
itively. You want to be able to walk up to anyone, enter into a conversation,
observe the way they talk, observe the way they look, make mental notes,
and start adjusting your communication to connect with their core per-
sonalities. As a ramp to this automatic and intuitive skill level, I’ve designed
a tool called the Client Conversation Profile. You can use this profile to
gauge a prospective client’s personality style. After a conversation with a
client on the phone or in person, fill out the profile based on that conver-
sation, and you’ll have a strong indication of what that individual’s person-
ality likes and dislikes are.
Take a moment right now and think of a client with whom you are try-
ing to build a relationship. Think about the last conversation you had with
this individual, and then go ahead and fill out the Client Conversation
Profile in Figure 18.1. When you’re finished, tally up the letters the same
way you would on a TEAM Dynamics personality quiz. Tally up the number
of Ts, Es, As, and Ms. The totals will give you an indication of their leading
and villain roles.
The Client Conversation Profile is a quick and easy way for you to start
assessing the personality style that drives each client. The reason this as-
sessment works so well is because personality is “automatic.” By this, I mean
that personality inclinations are blueprinted in the DNA of our psyche.
Our personality style is animated by our eyes, demeanor, faces, vocal pat-
terns/pace, and conversation—as well as the style of questions we ask. Our
core personality simply sends automatic signals through our mannerisms.
 Developing Emotional Radar / The Powers of Observation 157

FIGURE 18.1 Client Conversation Profile

Directions: In the following groups, circle one attribute that is most true about your client.
Total each letter at the bottom of the sheet. The highest scoring category is a strong
indicator of your client’s leading role.

Demeanor MOST Conversational Flow MOST

• friendly, even keel, calm, T • respectful, responsive, nods T
passive • interrupts, confrontational, E
• candid, confident E abrupt
• reserved, meticulous A • deliberate, focused, hesitant A
• free-flowing, animated, playful M • flexible, random flow, fidgety M

Eyes MOST Style of Questioning MOST

• soft, caring, appreciative T • role questions T
• laser-direct, busy E • time questions E
• scrutinizing, scanning, squinting A • detail questions A
• happy, dancing, wide open M • networking and potential M
questions

Face/Physical Style MOST Vocal Patterns and Pace MOST

• nonthreatening, mirrors T • limited range, slow and steady T
mannerisms • punches certain words, fast, E
• smirk, uplifted chin, poised for E punctuated
action • precise, sometimes monotone, A
• poker face, rigid posture A slow
• easy smile, energetic M • full range M

Add totals of each letter.

_______ T _______ E _______ A _______ M

I have interviewed hundreds of clients from each personality group

and scores of them on camera. After watching the tapes of those interviewed,
one would almost be inclined to believe that the people were scripted, be-
cause the individuals from each personality group gave the same types of
answers in the same types of tones. However, the individuals were not
scripted—the answers they gave were their natural responses. I asked ques-
158 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

tions such as what qualities they were looking for in a sales professional and
the types of people they liked and disliked working with. As they answered
those questions, one could clearly observe their personality styles. I have
developed a training exercise on this skill set, where I show this video to
sales professionals and they can observe firsthand how clear personality sig-
nals are.
Start observing right away. As soon as you set this book down, turn on
your observational skills. Start looking for signals in the following cate-
gories: demeanor, eyes, face, physical style, conversational flow, style of ques-
tioning, and vocal patterns. Rather than just meandering through
conversations, make mental notes—observe! These signals are fascinating
and make every conversation much more interesting.

The Togetherness Personality

Let’s begin with the visual clues the individuals of the Togetherness
personality will transmit. Here is what you will see.

• Their demeanor is friendly but not effervescent.

• They are calm and passive.
• Their eyes are soft, caring, and approachable.
• Their physical style is nonthreatening, and they typically allow others
to take the lead.
• They tend to mirror other’s mannerisms.

One visual clue to look for in identifying a Togetherness personality is

the nod. Individuals of the Togetherness personality unconsciously nod as
a way of affirming the person speaking.
During camera interviews with scores of clients from each personality
group, I also observed another visual clue for identifying the Togetherness
personality. After answering a question, they would look at the interviewer
with a questioning look, as if to say, “Was my answer OK?” Instead of punc-
tuating with an exclamation, they punctuated with a question mark. Their
need for approval, as well as their nods to provide approval, are automatic
features of the Togetherness nature, which they cannot easily hold back.
Next, let’s examine the auditory signals of the Togetherness personal-
ity. The conversational flow of the Togetherness personality is responsive,
respectful, and cooperative. Observe the types of questions you are asked
by the Togetherness personality. You will hear role-oriented questions such
as “What is expected of me?” or “What will you need from me?” or “How will
you support me?” These are what we might call “hand-holding” questions.
 Developing Emotional Radar / The Powers of Observation 159

Listen also for the voice patterns of your clients. If you were to segre-
gate people by personality, audiotape their conversations, and then watch
an audiometer, you would be able to see patterns that correspond with
each personality style. The Togetherness pattern, as illustrated in Figure
18.2, is slow and steady, like gently rolling waves—never too demonstrative,
and neither too high or too low.

FIGURE 18.2 Conversational Clues: The Togetherness Personality

Voice Pitch: Gently rolling waves

The Enterpriser Personality

With the Enterpriser personality, their confidence level comes through

loud and clear. In the business world, Enterprisers are the ones doing a
great deal of the controlling. For a great rule of thumb to win over the
Enterpriser personality, I will paraphrase Mark Twain’s quote about public
speaking: “You have to walk the fine line between flattering and abusing
your audience.”
Enterprisers have little or no respect for people who tell them what
they think they want to hear. On the other hand, there needs to be some
flattery, because Enterprisers tend to believe they are God’s gift to the world—
there is no shortage of ego with this personality. Yet Enterprisers respect
those who have earned the power to abuse them now and then. But do not
make the mistake of abusing Enterprisers too early in the process.
The visual clues Enterprisers will give you are as follows.

• Their carriage demonstrates confidence and control.

• Their eyes are laser-direct and busy.
• They will often smirk and hold their head high.
• Their chin will be uplifted.
160 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

To help you identify the Enterpriser personality, think of the looks you
see at an amateur poker table when the players want to give the impression
that they have really good cards. Enterprisers like to give the impression
that they have cards they have not played yet. Even when they don’t have
the cards, they attempt to give you the impression that they do.
Enterprisers are restless and poised for action. Think of a viper—ready
to strike at any minute. In conversations, you’ll primarily hear them push-
ing for the bottom line. This obsession with the bottom line is their most
obvious tell. Enterprisers cannot help themselves because they are impa-
tient by nature. Enterprisers are also notorious for their frequent inter-
ruptions—to move the conversation along at a faster pace and insert their
forceful opinions.
Enterprisers are confrontational. For them, it’s not about tact and diplo-
macy; it’s about getting to the point of resolution quickly. They tend to be
abrupt in their speech and often ask questions about time and results, such
as, “Where’s this headed?” or “How long will it take?”
In conversation, differentiating between the body language and audi-
tory signals of Enterprisers and Analyzers can sometimes be confusing, be-
cause both personality styles are good at exhibiting a poker face. Yet we
know there’s a huge difference in our approach with Enterprisers and
Analyzers. The most significant difference between the two personality
styles is their preference between quick and right. Enterprisers will push to-
ward speedy results and Analyzers will push toward accurate results. Their dif-
fering pace is what sets them apart.
Another way to differentiate between Enterprisers and Analyzers is their
voice patterns. The voice pattern of the Analyzer personality style is con-
trolled. The voice pattern of Enterprisers is also controlled, but just when
you think they’ve settled into an even pattern, they’ll punch a word for ef-
fect (see Figure 18.3).

FIGURE 18.3 Conversational Clues: The Enterpriser Personality

Voice Pitch: Punches certain words

 Developing Emotional Radar / The Powers of Observation 161

The Analyzer Personality

Here are some visual clues for identifying your Analyzer clients.

• Their demeanor is reserved, meticulous, and nervous.

• Their eyes are scrutinizing, scanning, and squinting.
• Their face is controlled and unemotional—a poker face.
• Their posture is rigid.

Eyes provide important clues for identifying the Analyzer personality.

Their eyes are serious and intense, almost as if you can see question marks
in their eyes. Their eyes seem to ask, “What are you talking about here?”
Their eyes seem to be begging for clarity. They have the look that says,
“Explain that one more time.”
There are also many auditory clues for identifying Analyzers. The con-
versational flow of Analyzers is deliberate and intensely focused. Take notice
of the hesitation in their speech and choice of words. While Enterprisers im-
patiently want to finish sentences for others, Analyzers meticulously look for
the perfect word to express what they’re thinking. Analyzers also will ask
more questions than any other personality style. They like to ask detail ques-
tions and begin their questions with who, what, when, where, and why. Keep
in mind, though, that all their questions are really about one big question:
“Is this the right thing to do?” This is why the words right and caution have a
comforting effect with Analyzers.
You can see in Figure 18.4 that the voice pattern of Analyzers is precise,
sometimes monotone, slow, and deliberate—and always controlled. Remem-
ber, Analyzers strive to be in control of their own emotions, and, conse-
quently, are resistant towards the attempts made by others to persuade them.

FIGURE 18.4 Conversational Clues: The Analyzer Personality

Voice Pitch: Monotone

162 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

The Motivator Personality

Here are visual clues you will observe with the Motivator personality.

• Their demeanor is free-flowing, playful, and animated.

• Their eyes are happy, dancing, and wide open.
• Their face and physical style is warm and energetic.

With the Motivator personality style, life and business are about having
fun and enjoying the process. You will observe a great deal of motion in
their body language. A conversation with Motivators is like dancing—a lot
of lingual moves are going on. From many Motivators’ points of view, work
is just something that gets in the way of having fun. For the Motivator per-
sonality, it is almost like getting a result or signing a contract or making a
deal is just an aside. “Why were we here again?” they might ask, and then
suddenly remember and say, “Oh yeah, let’s do it.”
Here is what you will hear with Motivators. The Motivator’s conversa-
tional flow is flexible and random. It is hilarious to watch Analyzers and
Motivators in a meeting (that is, if you’re not involved). Analyzers deal with
everything in a linear fashion: A, B, C, and then D. Motivators, on the other
hand, hardly know how to spell linear. Their conversations jump all over the
map. A good talk to Motivators is like a pinball game. Motivators can also
be fidgety because they possess such high energy levels.
Motivators use the power of personality to get things done. They rely on
their charm. Because of that, Analyzers and Motivators can literally hate
each other, especially in the selling process. To better understand the differ-
ence between the two personality styles, remember that they have different
routes to achieve results. Analyzers achieve results through processes; they
define a clear process to get the result—and stick to it. Motivators, on the
other hand, do not believe in processes as much as they believe in the power
of personality to get things done. Motivators know that if they are engaging
and charismatic, they will win people over. So who is right? They both are—
they’ve just got to learn to deal with each other.
Motivators also like to network and ask people-focused questions like,
“Who are you working with?” and “Who do you know?” They also like to
focus on potential and ask questions like, “How big is this thing going to
be?” Because Motivators look and feel great when they’re telling a good
story, you can win them over by giving them a story they can tell to others.
As you can see in Figure 18.5, the Motivator’s vocal pattern is like a
roller coaster—a wide range of ups and downs.
 Developing Emotional Radar / The Powers of Observation 163

FIGURE 18.5 Conversational Clues: The Motivator Personality

Voice Pitch: Has a full range

To be a great player in the game of sales, you must begin by learning

to read others. Start with the eyes, which truly are the gateway to the soul.
Core personality shines through the eyes. An individual’s core personality
also manifests itself in posture, facial expression, and tone and pace of
speech. You will find it intriguing to become a keen observer of these man-
nerisms. You will be both informed and entertained by the predictable sig-
nals that have been opened up to your awareness. Once your emotional
radar has picked up on “who they are,” you’re better prepared to deliver a
laser-specific presentation. The next chapter will show you how.

SELLING WITH EQ
• Fine-tune your skills of observation to be on target with the core per-
sonality of each client.
• Remember that body language signals are automatic and present
themselves in conversation and through the discovery process.
• Pay attention to the tone of voice and word choices of clients. They
are telltale signals on how they want to be approached.
 19
CHAPTER NINETEEN

SHIFTING GEARS
Four Critical Selling Adjustments

“ P o l i t e n e s s i s b e t t e r t h a n l o g i c . Yo u c a n o f t e n

p e r s u a d e w h e n y o u c a n n o t c o n v i n c e .”

—JOSH BILLINGS

The Principles of Emotional Intelligence

• Success in communication hinges on our ability to “flex” to the style
preferred by the client.
• Each personality style possesses a unique agenda for likes and dis-
likes in communication.
• The emotional impact of our presentation is more important than
the rational impact.

“I’m at this car dealership telling the salesman that I want all the
‘bells and whistles,’ and he keeps talking to me about practical and
performance-type vehicles. After trying to steer the conversation to
the kind of car I wanted—and him not getting it—I finally said,
‘Look, you’re not hearing me. I want bells and whistles, not the kind
of car that’s right for you.’ I then pulled my personality profile
(TEAM Dynamics) out of my briefcase and said, ‘Look, I’m a moti-
vator. I want a car that’s fun!’”—Gary K., Mutual Fund Wholesaler

Gary is right. Some salespeople just do not get it. They persist in im-
posing their style and preference instead of observing the style of the client
and shifting gears to fit that style.
This chapter addresses emotionally intelligent methods of communi-
cating with each personality to optimize persuasion opportunities and to
minimize confusion, conflict, and misunderstanding. This is accomplished

164
 Shifting Gears / Four Critical Selling Adjustments 165

by learning to view scenarios through the clients’ perspectives. Too often,

sellers are perceived to have placed their own interests above those of their
clients. Through the personality sensitive TEAM Dynamics approach, clients
are assured that their core needs and comfort levels are understood. This
approach assures the improvement of existing relationships and a sound
footing for developing new relationships.
At the very center of a client’s actions and reactions is the core person-
ality that drives behavior and communication. Once you have discovered
the personality orientation of your client, you can choose a communication
path that leads to clarity, understanding, and teamwork.
The classic mistake that many sales professionals make is to assume that
every client will automatically plug in to their style of communication. They
won’t. This leads to communication breakdown and the disintegration of
trust, which is at the heart of the buyer/seller relationship.
In this chapter, we explore the subtle adjustments that are necessary
with each personality style to improve the quality of our communication
with clients. Think of it as personality politeness—learning to use words or
phrases that fit the emotional comfort zone of the client.
Each personality style is profiled regarding the communication approach
they are most comfortable with, including the type of presentation they pre-
fer. Also profiled are the likes, dislikes, risk tolerance, and challenges of
communicating with each personality.
My organization has surveyed hundreds of members of each personal-
ity group and asked the question, “When in a sales situation, how do you
like to be approached?” Their varied answers on the following pages reveal
in insightful detail the diversity of persuasion needs for each personality
style. A strong correlation exists between a client’s personality style and the
appropriate sales approach. For example, two of the personalities are risk-
averse by nature—Togetherness and Analyzer—and two are comfortable
with risk—Enterpriser and Motivator.
The changes you make in your communication approach, though sim-
ple in nature, will be profound in effect, because they will help your clients
to be comfortable with the information and ideas you are sharing. Some
readers find that they have already been making these adjustments with
people on an intuitive level, and the following information will affirm those
communication strategies.

CRITICAL SELLING ADJUSTMENTS

Let’s take a look at some of the critical selling adjustments (in Figure
19.1) you want to make with the Togetherness style. Remember to go slowly
166 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

FIGURE 19.1 Shifting into T: The Togetherness Personality

• Demonstrate respect by paying close attention when they talk.

• Demonstrate sincerity. They want to like you before they work
with you.
• Demonstrate a concern and caring for people.
• Go slowly. Wait until they trust you.
• Ask about their feelings regarding your product or services and
its applicability.
• Do not force them into a buying decision. Avoid pressure tactics.
• Tread lightly because it is easy to offend the Togetherness personality.
• Allow them time to think things through.
• Refer to your satisfied clients.
• Use statements of commitment and seek a commitment.
• Identify specific steps and time frames.

and pay close attention when they talk. If you don’t pay close attention
when individuals of the Togetherness style are talking, you turn them off
right away. If you are distracted while they are speaking, you may have jeop-
ardized the whole deal. If you’re a multitasker—Enterpriser—or have “pro-
fessional level ADD” (Attention Deficit Disorder)—Motivator—be careful
not to offend this personality.
Demonstrate the concern you have for your other clients. The stories
you tell should illustrate this concern. Remember to use statements of com-
mitment. And remember to ask how they feel about your product.
Close with specific steps and time frames. Do not paint your close with
a broad-brush stroke; paint it with specifics. “So what we’re going to do is
this: one, two, and three, and then the time frame for number one will be
this, and the time frame for number two will be this. . . .”
Do not force a buying decision. One of the things members of the
Togetherness personality have told us is that they will let you know when
they’re ready to be closed. They lean forward, start nodding, and say some-
thing to let you know that they are ready for you to hold their hand through
the process. If you try to close them before all their issues are dealt with, it
is not going to work. One of the problems with the Togetherness style is
their inability to say no, so they will say yes but not mean it. That will cause
endless frustration for both seller and pseudobuyer.
Brent S., an account executive who fits the Togetherness personality
style, tells about going shopping for a mattress and how the salesperson
pushed all the wrong buttons with his personality.
 Shifting Gears / Four Critical Selling Adjustments 167

“We walked into a store and asked for a specific type of mat-
tress and what their best price would be. The salesman gave us a
price and assured us that this was the best they could do. I told him
I could get the same mattress across town for $200 less. He said,
‘Don’t leave, let me talk to my manager about this.’ So, he comes
back and tells us that he can now beat their competitor’s price. I
said, ‘No thanks,’ and walked out. I didn’t feel like he was being
sincere with me the first time and that he was going to take us for
an extra $200 if he had the opportunity.”

This story typifies the Togetherness approach. This personality style has
its antennae up for honesty, integrity, sincerity, and respect. They are quickly
turned off by those who fail to demonstrate those abilities.
Here is an overview of what the Togetherness personality wants in deal-
ing with others.

I want: • A reliable, stable relationship

I don’t want: • To be coerced or pushed into a decision
(has trouble saying no)
• People to be upset with me (has trouble
when others are not pleased or approving
of them)
You must convince me: • How your product or service will bring sim-
plicity and security into my life.
• That you will be there to support me when
I have questions or problems.

Is word choice significant when working with the different personality

types? Absolutely. My organization has conducted research by asking indi-
viduals from each of the personality types to tell us which words made them
feel comfortable or nervous. If our job is to make our clients feel good about
who we are so that they’ll do business with us, we certainly don’t want a ver-
nacular that is going to make them nervous.
The following chart reveals the words that appealed most to the Together-
ness group. If you’re selling to a Togetherness person, make a note of a cou-
ple of these words that will help you, particularly as you open a discussion
with them.

Words that fit the Togetherness personality comfort zone:

• We/let’s • Commitment
• Concern • Security
168 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

• Sensitivity • Step by step

• Teamwork • Long term

The word we is particularly significant to the Togetherness personality.

When you use I with them, their response is typically to assume that you are
ego driven. If you say you too much, they may feel like you are putting too
much pressure on them. We is also very important to the Togetherness per-
sonality, because it connotes partnership and collaboration. And, remem-
ber, if you’re an Enterpriser, the Togetherness personality style is most likely
your villain role, so it will be even more important for you to start using
these words.

CRITICAL SELLING ADJUSTMENTS

Time Is of the Essence

The magic bullets for dealing with Enterprisers (see Figure 19.2) are
speed and efficiency. Enterprisers want to know ahead of time how much
of their time you want. To win their undivided attention, tell them up front,
“I need ten minutes of your time,” and then stick to it—unless they prolong
the conversation. If you do not tell them up front how much time you

FIGURE 19.2 Shifting into E: The Enterpriser Personality

• Don’t talk about your company before you ask what they want
(concisely).
• Uncover their top concern/priority.
• Stress bottom-line benefits.
• Establish context up front. Start with the end result and work
back.
• Don’t waste time with small talk.
• Paint a broad-brush stroke. Enterprisers will make decisions
with a small amount of information.
• Ask for their opinion and affirm it without sounding like you are pandering.
• Do not persuade Enterprisers with long stories or with overly enthusiastic presentations.
They see this as contrived and phony.
• Prepare for a quick decision based on facts.
• Allow them a way to win.
• Give options and possibilities and let them decide.
• Don’t contradict unless you have information and the confidence to back it up.
• Appeal to the ego.
• Allow them to talk themselves out of a position rather than to be talked out of it.
 Shifting Gears / Four Critical Selling Adjustments 169

need, they will check their watch every 30 seconds and begin extrapolating
the length of your presentation by the pace of your voice and the number
of pages in front of you. At this point, they have mentally checked out of
your presentation.
If you want to sell to an Enterpriser, walk into the room and, instead of
making a presentation, say something like, “Let me give you a brief overview
of what we are talking about.” What this telegraphs to the Enterpriser is, “If
we agree on the fundamentals, we might have something to talk about, and
if we don’t, let’s not waste your time or my time.” They will immediately
voice agreement or disagreement. They may add an addendum to your
overview, but as soon as they buy into your business philosophy, it is down-
hill from there.
Pick up the pace, don’t be a slave to your script, and paint with a broad-
brush stroke (remember to allow them a way to win). You also better be able
to pinpoint when the deal is going to get done and then follow through
quickly. Show them that you mean it.
Another key to establishing your competence with Enterprisers is to
look the part. If you think there is even a chance that you do not project a
look of confidence when you walk into a room, then fake it. Get your chin
up in the air, look directly into people’s eyes, and put some force into your
words. If you don’t, the Enterpriser will look right past you. Enterprisers de-
mand competence.
Inquire about their achievements—it is all about them. Put an Enter-
priser behind the wheel. You should always give Enterprisers the feeling that
they are controlling the whole deal—they’re in charge.
Suzanne B., a sales professional who fits the Enterpriser personality
style, tells the following story about a neighbor who tried to sell her on
some nutritional supplements.

“This neighbor of mine belongs to one of those multilevel mar-

keting things that sells vitamins and such. So, he comes to me and
says he wants to tell me about this opportunity that he’s sure I would
be just great at. He’s a nice guy and everything, but he gave the worst
stumbling, bumbling presentation I have ever witnessed. He goes on
and on and can’t string together a coherent thought process. The
whole time I’m thinking, ‘This guy is so weak! I wouldn’t buy Girl
Scout cookies from him.’ The funny part of it is, his products were
actually something I could probably use, but there was no way I was
going to buy from this bozo!”

Suzanne’s comments reveal several key aspects of the Enterpriser per-

sonality. The Enterpriser looks for both competence and confidence in the
170 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

people they work with and buy from. They smell weakness like a shark
smells blood. Act the least bit unsure of yourself, and they will be gone in
a flash. It is also quite apparent in Suzanne’s story that Enterprisers want
you to tell your story well and get to the point fast.
Here is an overview of what the Enterpriser personality wants in deal-
ing with others.

I want: • To be in control
• Quick results
• The bottom line
I don’t want: • To be taken advantage of
• To be slowed down
You must convince me: • On what your product will do for me
• Of your competence

Words that fit the Enterpriser comfort zone:

• Results • Highly competitive
• Customized solution • Research
• Innovative • Unique
• Efficient • Expedite

An important word in presenting to an Enterpriser is you. “I want to

know what you think.” “What has been your experience?” Even when Enter-
prisers know that their egos are getting stroked, they still like to hear it.
Enterprisers like those individuals who are “smart enough” to recognize
how brilliant they are.
They want to hear the word results. They want to hear that you will “get
it done.” They like customization. Enterprisers don’t want a boilerplate
plan. Their point of view is, “I have my own specific situation, so customize
it for me.” They like the words innovative, efficient, and highly competitive.

CRITICAL SELLING ADJUSTMENTS

With Analyzers, it is all about facts (see Figure 19.3). Analyzers are a
tough group to sell to because they have a natural aversion to “selling.”
Slow your pace and listen intently when working with an Analyzer. Always
lead with facts, or Analyzer clients will quickly shut you down. And never go
into a meeting with an Analyzer without having a pad of paper and a pen.
Analyzers are impressed to see you taking copious notes while they are talk-
ing. This way you will find out the facts they want.
 Shifting Gears / Four Critical Selling Adjustments 171

FIGURE 19.3 Shifting into A: The Analyzer Personality

• Slow your pace—listen intently.

• Be accurate. Don’t approximate or round off numbers.
• Do your homework. Be prepared to give every detail about your
products or services.
• Set the stage for trust by using data.
• Explore their interests (the latest technologies, etc.).
• Support each feature/benefit statements with logic and rationality.
• Never hurry them with tone or body language.
• Summarize your presentation carefully.
• Detail how you’ll follow through.
• Never say, “I know you’ll like this” or “You’re going to love this!”
• Avoid hyperbole and animated presentations.
• Allow time for decisions.

Do your homework. How may deals have we not closed because we

failed to have one or two critical facts about a client? We found out later
what the client really wanted to know. We make our final presentation, and
we get back a letter saying, “Thanks, but no thanks, because . . .” And that
“because . . .” is often something that we could have found out if we had
done our homework. The research we did not do and questions we did not
ask prevented us from winning the Analyzer account.
I met one sales executive who always asks the CFO (Analyzer), “What
are the important issues for you—the issues that you need to be sure are
addressed?” He does that because he doesn’t want to have to find that in-
formation out later on—in a rejection letter.
Avoid exaggeration, emotion, and overpromising. Analyzers are turned
off when a salesperson becomes passionate and animated. I have heard many
Analyzers say, “I read enthusiasm as a replacement for a lack of information
or training.” (Conversely with Motivators, if you do not display enthusiasm,
they won’t give you the time of day.) Also, don’t be derailed when an
Analyzer seems unenthusiastic about your presentation, because Analyzers
are famous for their poker faces.
Summarize your presentation carefully. Use those notes that you took
to summarize exactly what you heard during the meeting: the main con-
cerns, the direction you discussed, and the time line. It telegraphs to Analy-
zers that you paid attention. And remember to give them time—do not try
to close the deal too soon.
Andrew S., a sales executive who fits the Analyzer description, tells this
story about dealing with a car salesman.
172 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

“I went into a car lot because I was pretty well set on buying a
model they had on their showroom floor. A salesman comes over
to me—he’s all smiles and handshakes—and starts telling me how
great this model is. I’m annoyed immediately, because I already
know this is a good model. Right away he says, ‘Why don’t you take
it for a drive?’ I decline and say, ‘Well, I have a few questions first.’
So I sit in the car, and he sits with me. I see a couple of buttons on
the dashboard that I’m unfamiliar with and ask what they are for.
He says he doesn’t know and why don’t I just look at the owner’s
manual after I take it for a drive. This guy is trying to sell me a
$35,000 product and doesn’t know a damn thing about it! No mat-
ter what I asked him, he didn’t have the answer. Finally, about the
fourth time he suggested I take a test-drive, I gathered my infor-
mation pieces and left.”

Andrew’s response is very characteristic of the Analyzer personality in

a selling situation. He wanted information, not emotion. He wanted his
many questions answered before he got behind the wheel. He did not like
dealing with someone who was unprepared, uneducated—and who kept
pushing to a close.
Here is an overview of what the Analyzer personality wants in dealing
with others.

I want: • Accuracy, assurances, and proof

I don’t want: • To be criticized
• To be hurried
You must convince me: • On the logic of investing in your product
• On your track record

Words in the Analyzer’s comfort zone:

• Caution • Logical
• Research • Analysis
• Projections • Thorough
• Proof • High standards

Here are some of the magic words to soothe the Analyzer’s highly
charged nervous system: the facts show . . . and research. Particularly if you’re
a Motivator, and if Analyzers are your villain role, start using words such as
analysis, thorough, and high standards. Remember that Analyzers have very
high standards for themselves, and it is difficult for them to deal with peo-
ple who don’t have high standards for themselves. Use the word consistent.
 Shifting Gears / Four Critical Selling Adjustments 173

Analyzers detest processes and people that are whimsical or “here today,
gone tomorrow.” This is what they worry about. They want to hear about
consistency.
The biggest concern that Analyzers have is doing the right thing. This
is why they ask so many questions. Your job is to help them find the right
products for them and assure them that they are right.

CRITICAL SELLING ADJUSTMENTS

Start with a smile. Motivators need to see friendliness (see Figure 19.4).
Try to be somewhat informal or a little playful about what you are doing,
even if it is not easy for you. Lightening up signals to them that you will be
enjoyable to work with.
Ask about their histories, their victories, and their goals. Motivators love
to tell their stories. When selling, lead with passion, and follow with fea-
tures and proof. Motivators require the opposite of Analyzers. The ap-
proaches Analyzers hate are the ones Motivators love—and vice versa.
Use stories, anecdotes, and metaphors. Motivators love a good metaphor,
illustration, anecdote, or analogy. These more colorful forms of communi-
cation resonate with the Motivator style, because they bring dry facts to life.
Avoid small print and thick presentations. When you put small print in
front of Motivators, they back up and become tense. Their nervous system
gets rattled when they have to look at small print or a thick presentation.
They are thinking, “Oh no, we’re not going to do all that.” Neither does
this sort of presentation play well to the Motivator’s short attention span.

FIGURE 19.4 Shifting to M: The Motivator Personality

• Pick up your pace and energy.

• Talk about the potential of your product and services.
• Describe your benefits and program with passion.
• Use storytelling, illustrations, anecdotes, metaphors, and true
life experiences.
• Be prepared to respond to a quick decision.
• Ask lots of questions about your client—their histories, their victories.
• Provide an opportunity for your clients to vocalize their goals.
• Remember, they are sold more on your enthusiasm and convictions than they are on
features and proof.
• Use an informal and sociable approach.
• Avoid small print and thick presentation.
• Focus on payoffs for them (recognition, excitement, income).
174 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Never write a detailed letter to a Motivator. In written correspondence, use

bullet points for the Enterpriser and Motivator personality styles, and use
details for the Togetherness and Analyzer personality styles.
Emphasize the payoff for the Motivator. The Motivator’s antenna is up
for, “What’s my payoff here?” and “How is this going to be good for me . . .
or make me look good?”
Remember, negativity is a deal killer. Don’t walk into a Motivator’s of-
fice complaining. Don’t exercise your cynicism in front of Motivators. They
want to know that you are a positive person. They want to deal with opti-
mistic people who are going to get the job done—not with people who are
habitually whining and complaining.
Jacqueline T. is a sales professional who fits the Motivator personality
style. She told us the story of how a peer tried to sell her on working for
his firm.

“I was at a point in my career where I felt I needed a change, so

I accepted an invitation for an interview with another firm. What a
total turnoff that was! The guy who interviewed me never smiled or
laughed—he took himself so seriously. He just talked about expec-
tations, guidelines, and the competitive advantage he felt his firm
had. I remember thinking to myself, ‘I wonder if everyone in this
place is as boring as you.’ I couldn’t imagine working for or with
someone who took himself so seriously. I mean, the money would
have been better, but I think I would have hated every minute.”

Jacqueline, like other Motivator personalities, has her radar up for friend-
liness, flexibility, and optimism. Motivators are more concerned about peo-
ple than they are about processes. They want to know that they will enjoy and
look forward to working with you. Motivators seem to be looking for positive
energy in others that they can connect with. They want to squeeze all the en-
joyment out of life that they possibly can.
Here is an overview of what the Motivator personality wants in dealing
with others.

I want: • To be noticed
• To have fun
• To persuade and influence others
I don’t want: • To be rejected or ignored
• To get boxed in with detail
You must convince me: • On whom is using your product
• On how I can promote it to others
 Shifting Gears / Four Critical Selling Adjustments 175

Words in the Motivator comfort zone:

• Quick • Cutting edge
• Easy • Competitive
• Innovative • Possibilities
• Fun • Fluid/flexible
• Big/huge (adjectives about potential) • Opportunity

The first magic word for Motivators is great. Walk into an office and lis-
ten, and wherever you hear “Great!”, that’s where your Motivators are. Easy
is also a magic word for Motivators. They also like the words innovative, cre-
ative, big, and exponential. Get a thesaurus and search for synonyms for big
and exponential. Motivators like statements like, “This is going to be large!”
When presenting your ideas to Motivators, let them know that if they
change their mind, “It’s not a problem,” or “This whole idea is very fluid,”
or “We’re flexible,” or “We can move this and move that out.” These state-
ments make motivators feel comfortable, because they don’t want to get
locked in.
Another magic word for Motivators is opportunity. Motivators by nature
are optimistic people, and they want to believe that there’s something big-
ger and better that they can do. They love to hear motivational speeches
about doing the impossible. They want to reach the goal that’s never been
reached, so talk in terms of opportunity and achievement.
Remember, at the core of everyone you meet is a personality blueprint
or personality DNA that drives their perspectives, communication, and re-
sponses (including their response to you). Master persuaders learn to ad-
just their communication intuitively to their clients’ comfort levels. Start
using these personality persuasion insights, and see the difference in how
clients respond to you.

SELLING WITH EQ
• Adjust your presentation style to the personality style of the client.
• Memorize the agenda of each personality style.
• Use a pace and tone of voice that lends comfort to each personality
style.
 20
CHAPTER TWENTY

THE POWER OF CURIOSITY

Overcoming the Narcissistic Urge

“The first step toward improving empathy is

l e a r n i n g t o s u s p e n d t h e n a r c i s s i s t i c u r g e .”

—MITCH ANTHONY

The Principles of Emotional Intelligence

• Your interest level in others is the emotional foundation for rela-
tional success.
• Many sales approaches pay only lip service to inquiry and conse-
quently raise the defenses of the client.
• Listening skills must be mastered through a disciplined approach to-
ward conversations.

Two men, one of whom was a zoologist, were walking down a

crowded urban sidewalk. In midstride, the zoologist remarked,
“Listen to the lovely sound of that cricket!”
His companion, amazed that he could distinguish the sound
of a cricket amidst the clattering and honking of traffic, asked, “How
in the world can you hear a cricket amongst this cacophony of
noises?”
The zoologist, rather than answering, took a coin from his
pocket and let it fall to the sidewalk. Twenty people stopped in
their tracks and looked around for the money. “We hear,” the zo-
ologist said, “what we are looking for.”

176
 The Power of Curiosity / Overcoming the Narcissistic Urge 177

JUST CURIOUS
It was the second year in a row that I was delivering a keynote speech
for this company’s President’s Club banquet. When the awards were handed
out, I noticed that the same gentleman ( John) had finished number one
last year. I also noted that the distance between number one and number
two (for both years) was like the distance between first and second at the
2000 golfing U.S. Open (15 strokes between Tiger Woods and Ernie Els).
John had again lapped the field.
I asked someone next to me if John did this every year, and he said,
“Every year that I can remember.”
This aroused my interest in learning what made this guy tick. I ap-
proached John after the banquet and asked if he would be willing to have
dinner with me the next evening—to which he agreed. I then asked him to
do a homework assignment before we met again. I asked him to try to dis-
till his success into a solitary word.
The next evening, John informed me that he found the answer to my
question. He thanked me for asking, as he had never before attempted to
condense his success into a single principle. The word he chose was basi-
cally a description of his nature. If I were to pause here and allow you, the
reader, to try and guess what this word was, chances are that you would not
get it on your first 20 guesses. In fact, I have performed such an exercise in
sales trainings, and John’s key word rarely comes up in the first 30 guesses.
Here is the word he gave me—curiosity.
John explained it this way. “I thought of all the other words that others
attribute to sales success: hard work, goal oriented, people skills, etc. But I
decided that the one feature people notice about me is that I am naturally
a very curious person. I love learning about people. They all have unique
stories to tell, unique paths that they have taken, and unique hopes for the
future. I like hearing about my clients, their children, and their grandchil-
dren. I think clients like this about me, so they tell their friends about me.”

“ENOUGH OF ME TALKING ABOUT ME . . . ”

John’s compelling success is due to his curious nature, which in turn
holds at bay his own inner rumblings for attention, glory, and credit. These
inner rumblings, reflected in our conversations and behaviors, are what I
refer to as the narcissistic urge. My favorite example of this urge is the guy in
Hollywood who said to his friend, “Enough of me talking about me, how
about you talk about me for a while?” Overinflated egos and personal inse-
178 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

curities are just two of the forces at work contributing to this obsessive self-
centeredness. Ultimately, this narcissistic urge provides emotional discom-
fort for others, who either avoid the narcissist or stop taking them seriously.
How prevalent is this narcissistic urge? To answer, first ask yourself
about the last time you were in a conversation where the person you were
talking to could not ask enough about you. Do you remember such a con-
versation? Of course you do—if such a conversation has ever taken place.
Selflessness is in short supply, a fact that is strikingly obvious at any cocktail
party. What is not in short supply, however, is one-upmanship, or egotism,
or megalomania, or self-promotion, or what I like to call the “Clark Kent
conversation pattern” (stories designed to make you look like Superman).
In the next ten conversations you have, make mental notes on the po-
larity or central focus of these conversations. Is the other party trying to
create a polarity around you or herself? Or is the individual trying to cre-
ate equal polarities? As you observe these polarity patterns, you may feel
admiration for some people, disgust for others, but most of all, you will
move to a higher level of awareness about the polarities you are creating.
Beyond the socially acceptable but supercilious greeting, “How are you?”,
the majority of people you meet either do not know how or do not care to
make further inquiry. A clear but negative example is the jaded (and nar-
cissistic) salesman who said to me, “I’ll tell you the people I can’t handle—
the ones who, when you ask, ‘How are you doing?’, think you actually want
to hear the answer.” Obviously this man’s sales career has not been an-
chored in empathy.
Self-centeredness and self-absorption are common (in varying degrees)
to all people. Narcissism can be described as the cancer of the human psy-
che and personal relationships. It prevents the development of empathy.
Many sales professionals do not have good inquiry skills, because they sim-
ply are not interested in others.
Victor Frankl, the famed psychiatrist and philosopher, who survived im-
prisonment at Auschwitz, stated that one of the most elevated states humans
can rise to is that of “self-transcendence,” which in succinct terms means,
“finding meaning by putting the concerns of others above your own.”
In my workshops I ask, “How does it make you feel when you are trapped
with a person who dominates the conversation?” One participant quickly
replied, “Married!” On a more serious side, the answers I most often hear are
bored, angry, and frustrated, and eventually the word unimportant comes to the
surface. When you peel away the layers of the emotional onion, you find the
conversational monopolist—much like the onion—causes discomfort.
 The Power of Curiosity / Overcoming the Narcissistic Urge 179

THE SIGN AROUND EVERY PERSON’S NECK

Early in my career, a wise mentor, who was especially skilled with peo-
ple, instructed me on how to make profound connections. He said, “From
this day forward, remember this one fact about every person you meet—
everyone is wearing signs around their necks that very few people know
how to read. The sign has only four words on it, but 95 percent of those
competing with you do not have a clue as to what it says. The four words
are Help me feel important.
I do not believe I’ve ever received more important instruction than
those four words. Everyone wears that sign, and yet so few know how to
read it. I am conscious of the sign around my own neck, and I love to talk
to those who know how to read it. I also am highly conscious of the signs
around the necks of those I meet. This desire to feel important is in our
very nature. In a competitive society, where self-promotion is as common as
the air we breathe, you will have little competition at making this empa-
thetic connection once you recognize this sign. These individuals are typi-
cally in corporate cultures that do little to tell them how important they
are. Many carry doubts and insecurity about themselves. Anything you can
do to help people feel more significant will be welcome.

THE SELF-CENTERED SELF-DELUSION

A feature article in a recent sales industry magazine talked about a
study conducted on the communication skills of sales professionals (in this
case, investment advisors).* The findings, if nothing else, confirmed that
most sales professionals overestimate their empathy skills. What they
found, in a nutshell, was this: 71 percent of respondents said they believed
that their clients were content with their communication skills, yet 57 per-
cent of the clients stated that their representative was falling short of their
expectations in communication. This tidbit of research is the tip of the em-
pathetic iceberg that threatens every sales professional—believing you are
a good communicator when you are not. One may be the greatest presen-
ter in the company yet the worst listener. It is probably not too difficult to
think of any examples. As the relationship progresses, the client is much

*
Kathleen Gurney and Mel Srybnik, “Listen Up,” Investment Advisor (December
2001): 36.
180 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

more impressed with listening skills than with presentation skills (one study
found that one out of four high net worth investors were thinking of leav-
ing their advisors—and the number one reason was communication).

THEY JUST DON’T GET IT

“He just doesn’t listen!” were Nancy’s words, as she explained why she
had just changed vendors for her company. “I would look this guy in the
eye and tell him what I wanted and needed, and he would just continue to
push on his own agenda. Obviously this was not about us for him, so we
switched. And, truthfully, he probably has the superior line, but I can’t deal
with him anymore.”
It would hardly be possible to quantify how much money is lost and left
on the table because of poor listening skills, but I’m sure it would be in the
billions. The question to ask yourself is “How much money is it costing
me?” Is it possible that some of your clients—who you assume are satisfied
with the way you communicate—would say they are not satisfied? The safest
premise we can operate from is this: I can always do a better job of listen-
ing. This premise will safeguard us from smugness, arrogance, and the sort
of hubris that causes important accounts to flee.
Those who possess excellent inquiry skills are curious and genuinely in-
terested in others by nature. Yet they have also learned that this skill must
be purposefully developed to become habitual.

THE EMPATHY SELF-ASSESSMENT

If your most important client contacts were allowed to fill out a listen-
ing skills report on you (see Figure 20.1), how well do you think you would
score?
We are all guilty at times of being poor listeners. Some personalities,
however, are more susceptible than others. One irony of the sales profes-
sion is that the field naturally attracts the enterprising and motivated indi-
viduals, who, by nature of personality, have short attention spans and are
given to impatience. Ironically, their success hinges on their ability to tune
into others. Because neither feature—distractibility or impatience—aids in
the development of better listening skills, sales professionals must con-
stantly check their psychological impulses (picture a hockey check here)
when talking to clients.
We are not all great listeners by nature; however, that does not mean
we cannot become great listeners and observers of others. If we approach
 The Power of Curiosity / Overcoming the Narcissistic Urge 181

FIGURE 20.1 The Empathy Self-Assessment

1. _______________ gives undivided attention when I am talking. A B C D F

(your name)

2. _______________ is tuned into me rather than thinking of his or A B C D F

(your name) her own response.

3. _______________ answers in a way that reflects my major A B C D F

(your name) concerns.

4. _______________ keeps the conversation polarized on my A B C D F

(your name) needs, issues, and concerns.

5. _______________ gives a summary of what I have said. A B C D F

(your name)

listening as a discipline and a habit, we eventually can conquer our im-

pulses. We can develop a pattern that we will feel at home with when en-
gaging in conversation. We simply need a clear agenda for the behaviors
that constitute good listening skills.

Poor listeners are those individuals who:

• Are thinking of their own response rather than tuning into the speaker
• Are looking to the statements of others as a springboard to their own
agenda (the chief temptation for sales professionals—jumping too
early into presentation)
• Are grandstanding with witty comments, stories, and opinions at the
expense of the client’s story and opinions
• Focus more on facts than on feelings
• Are obsessed with details, so they miss the point or the big picture of
what the speaker is trying to say
• Are not in control of nervous or uptight body language signals
• Hint at disapproval and impatience with tone and body language

Who doesn’t occasionally trespass across these boundaries of poor lis-

tening? Tight schedules, demanding goals, and trying clients can combine
to take us off of our best listening game, unless we are vigilant regarding
182 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

our listening behavior. Ultimately, our discipline in these little matters helps
to define our destiny.
We need not possess a psychologist’s listening aptitude by nature to de-
velop these skills. If, however, we do not possess a natural aptitude for lis-
tening, we will have to work that much harder at developing the skill. In
Figure 20.2 is a short assessment that, if you are honest with it, will help you
to gauge your natural aptitude for empathy. Don’t be dismayed if you do
not have a high natural aptitude for empathy, as we have discovered that
many high-achieving sales professionals who are naturally high in resilience
are also naturally lower in empathy.

IS SELLING IN THE TELLING?

Two patterns in sales training courses concern me.

1. Overweighted emphasis on presenting, and token attention to de-

velopment of discovery skills
2. Teaching that questions and listening are forms of manipulating
clients

The top salespeople know that, more important than having a shoe to
sell, is that they have an accurate measurement of the client’s foot, the type
of walking the client does, and the particular stresses the client experi-
ences. In other words, they are not distracted by the fact that they have a
nice product to sell. Much discovery work needs to be accomplished to be
sure the client will be happy with the product. True selling is not in the
telling; it is in the gathering of information regarding the client.
When I was introduced to Larry, I had been told by the introducing
party that he was legendary in his sales ability. He had led the nation in sales
for his company for seven consecutive years until he was promoted to na-
tional headquarters. I was invited to tag along on an important sales call. In
my mind, I was prepared to meet a polished, eloquent presenter. What I wit-
nessed left a lasting impression about the powers of empathy or emotional
radar.
I never saw or heard Larry sell anything, but I knew that the client was
sold by the time the meeting was over. Larry sat back and asked well-thought-
out and incisive questions about the client’s business operations and con-
cerns. By asking questions, he cajoled the client into revealing frustrations
and annoyances he had experienced with competitors and his own com-
pany. Larry was able to coax out the compromises the client was willing to
make to get a deal done. The exchange was all nonthreatening in nature.
The conversation was clearly focused on the client’s concerns.
 The Power of Curiosity / Overcoming the Narcissistic Urge 183

FIGURE 20.2 The Empathy Rubic

Directions: Read each of the following statements and rank yourself on the continuum.

I inquire into the ideas, opinions, and feelings of others . . .

1 2 3 4 5
Not much at all Quite often

When others are talking to me . . .

1 2 3 4 5
My mind is racing ahead I’m trying to absorb their thoughts

When someone gets hurt or is suffering, I . . .

1 2 3 4 5
Tell them to get up or get over it Sympathize with them

When someone is expressing their feelings to me, I . . .

1 2 3 4 5
Get easily annoyed Seek to understand

When it comes to body language, I . . .

1 2 3 4 5
Get confused Can easily interpret

When I sense an agitated tone, I . . .

1 2 3 4 5
Quickly move on Seek to understand the source of agitation

When responding to others, I . . .

1 2 3 4 5
Address facts only Address facts and emotional undercurrent

When someone expresses a view I disagree with, I . . .

1 2 3 4 5
Correct them Inquire further

When I encounter views I strongly disagree with, I . . .

1 2 3 4 5
Confront and / or disassociate myself Try to disagree agreeably

When someone is angry or condescending with me, I . . .

1 2 3 4 5
Fight fire with fire Seek to know source of frustration

Add your total score Place yourself on the Empathy Continuum

10 20 30 40 50
Uninterested Empathetic
184 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Larry’s close—if you could call it that—was to say something like, “You
might want to take some time to weigh out the extra peace of mind we can
provide you against the premium we’re going to charge to provide it. Why
don’t I give you a call in a week or so.” Larry did not have to wait a week,
though. Most of the time, the client would call back the next day and say,
“Let’s do it.”
I left that meeting with a new appreciation for what selling is all about.
Larry demonstrated an uncanny sense of emotional radar. Through years
of discipline in asking the right questions, listening closely, and reading be-
tween the lines, he was able to pick out what mattered most to each client.
An emotional need must be met in the sales process, and Larry has demon-
strated his ability to discern that need. In Larry’s words, “It’s hard to find
out what the client really wants—while your mouth is moving.”
Now that I’m convinced I need to put the spotlight of conversation on
the client and suppress my own narcissistic urges, what do I ask? Glad you
asked. The next chapter will reveal the approach that will help you move
from a vendor to a partner in the eyes of your clients.

SELLING WITH EQ
• Check your narcissistic tendencies at the door.
• Help every client feel important.
• Listen for the messages behind the message. Practice reading between
the lines.
 21
C H A P T E R T W E N T Y- O N E

EMOTIONAL ARCHEOLOGY
Mastering the Art of the Irresistible Question

“ Q u e s t i o n s a r e t h e c r e a t i v e a c t s o f i n t e l l i g e n c e .”

—FRANK KING

The Principles of Emotional Intelligence

• The common logic for sales presentations raises a client’s emotional
defenses.
• Asking the right questions unlocks the emotional motives of the
client.
• Skilled inquirers do less selling but make more sales.

Experienced archeologists ignore nothing in their digs. They establish

boundaries, form grids, and pan through every inch of dirt. They know that
each small and seemingly insignificant piece that is brought to the surface
could be connected to a much larger artifact lying below the surface—one
that could be of monumental historical significance.
The greatest mistake sales professionals make is neglecting to learn
more about the customer before making the presentation. Commonly, sales
professionals are so passionate and enthused about their product story, they
fail to hear their customers’ stories. No factor has more influence on pro-
ductivity than the simple process of asking the right questions. The follow-
ing story illustrates the consequences of failing to ask the right questions—of
failing to dig a little deeper—before presenting a product.

185
186 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

An insurance agent sat down with my wife and me to talk about buying
a life insurance/savings product that, in his opinion, would be a great tool
for saving for our children’s college education. There was just one problem
with his presentation: he did not bother to ask us how we felt about paying
for our children’s college education.
Had he bothered to ask, we would have told him our story and opin-
ions. My wife had worked her way through eight years of college, and I had
worked my way through four years. Neither of us had received any help
from our parents (who couldn’t afford to help). We had both observed
classmates who were on what we called the “Budweiser scholarship” from
Mom and Dad. Consequently, we came to the conclusion that the develop-
ment of work ethic would be as high or higher a priority than pedigree with
our children.
We had developed a college funding plan with our children in which
we would match every dollar they saved with a dollar of our own. This also
included matching funds on scholarships they earned. The result? When my
oldest son went to college, he had three years of college expenses saved and
in the bank. Because this agent didn’t ask and pressed on with his assump-
tion, we didn’t tell him—and he didn’t get the sale.
The next agent that came to our home was brilliant in regards to ask-
ing the right questions. First, he asked me how my wife and I met (I re-
member wondering how he knew to ask such a question of us). In my home,
this is the magic question, because my wife and I have a Sleepless in Seattle
kind of story. We met on a blind date and were married 13 days later. I al-
ways tell people, “I could have married her in five days but you can’t rush
these things!” My wife loves when I tell this story to strangers.
Next, he asked my wife what she was doing before we met (he couldn’t
have asked a more important question). She proceeded to tell the story of
how her first husband had died from lung cancer—which was discovered
three months into their marriage and which killed him three months after
that. She also told him how, in the course of dying, her first husband had
neglected to sign a beneficiary transfer form that would assign his life in-
surance benefit to her. As a result, the benefit went directly to his parents,
who somehow reasoned that their dead son would want to leave his young
widow bereaved and broke.
Regarding this second agent’s approach, my question is this: “At this
point in the conversation, can I possibly buy enough life insurance to make
my wife feel secure?” This agent had not said a word about his company or
a product, but the sale was over in two questions. He learned everything he
needed to know about our lives and the emotional reasons we would have
for owning his product. He left with the sale of a million-dollar policy.
 Emotional Archeology / Mastering the Art of the Irresistible Question 187

LOGJAMMED LOGIC
There is a fundamental error in the rationale offered by most schools
of selling. Figure 21.1 illustrates the common logic that sales professionals
learn.

Sales presenters typically go into the following logic pattern.

• A = Ask a few questions to get to know the client.
• B = Talk about why people buy their product(s).
• C = Begin to make closing statements.
• D = Ask for a decision.

After the first two steps of asking a couple of cursory questions and
offering reasons to buy, a strange psychological phenomenon begins tak-
ing place. The customer begins to raise a wall of objections. Why would a
potential customer be objecting? Possibly because you have not yet un-
covered or addressed their emotional reasons for needing or wanting your
product.
There is a chance that they do not need or want your product, and you
are just assuming they do. Whatever the case may be, this wall of objections
is emotional in nature and cannot be circumvented with closing logic. The
error is in not doing more discovery work up front to discover their emo-
tional motives for the purchase. We have failed to dig below the surface.
The client’s emotional agenda is the issue. It does not matter how brilliant
your company or your product features might be, because if you are not
meeting their emotional agenda, you are wasting your breath. It is foolish
to present a single fact without the assurance that you understand their
emotional agenda regarding your product or service.
Resist the temptation to promote your product, until you have asked
enough questions to understand the emotional agenda that will lead to a
decision. As illustrated in the case with the two insurance agents, the one

FIGURE 21.1 Linear Sales Process

A ➠ B ➠ C ➠ D
188 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

who asks the right questions gets the decision—not the one who tries to
dazzle with features and benefits. How many times have you seen a client
nodding but not signing? What you are witnessing is the “distance between
agreement and action.” When people nod in agreement, it means that
their intellectual or rational agendas have been met. When they sign their
names, it means that their emotional agendas have been met.
Remember that the distance between agreement and action is exactly
18 inches—the distance between the head and the heart.

GETTING YOUR CLIENT’S STORY

“Ever y man is, in cer tain respects, (A) like all men,

( B ) l i k e s o m e o t h e r m e n , ( C ) l i k e n o o t h e r m a n .”

—C. CLUCKHOM AND H. MURRAY

Intelligent inquiry, or emotional archeology, is like mining. We explore

the recesses of the clients’ memory banks and emotional storehouses, look-
ing for veins with which we can legitimately connect. Classic sales training
breaks the sales process into three categories: discovery, presentation, and
closing. For some reason, whether because of impatience or imprudence,
many sales professionals pay token observance to the discovery process
and, instead, put all their chips on their ability to wow the customer with
their presentation.
The payoffs of intelligent inquiry go far beyond discovering why clients
might buy our products and services. There are far-reaching relational div-
idends that we experience by asking the uncommon question and digging
deeper into the thoughts and opinions of clients.

THANKS FOR ASKING

• People like being asked.
• People like to talk about their opinions, ideas, and lives.
• People respect you for asking.
• People feel more important because you asked.

One sales professional told me that she asks questions of her clients
until she can find something to “respect and admire” about that client. At
this point, she feels she makes a personal connection.
 Emotional Archeology / Mastering the Art of the Irresistible Question 189

I believe another reason for the dearth of discovery is that many sin-
cere sales professionals do not know what to ask. They lack a model for
emotionally intelligent inquiry. For this reason I have developed the q1 and
q2 models of discovery (see Figures 21.2 and 21.3). The questions clients
typically get asked by sales professionals are quantitative in nature. “What
are the features of what you currently have?” “How much are you paying
now?” “What features and benefits are you looking for?” “What is the budget
you are working with?” Occasionally the seller makes a foray into the qual-
itative by inquiring into the goals of the client or the client’s current satis-
faction level, but the qualitative aspects typically get short shrift. In the end,
what we don’t know about our clients comes back to haunt us.

“It takes reason to answer a question well;

i t t a k e s i m a g i n a t i o n t o a s k i t w e l l .”

—ANONYMOUS

GOING TO Q SCHOOL
In the q1 (quantitative) side of discovery, the factual landscape is cov-
ered by an inquiry into price/costs/budgets (numbers), necessary features
and benefits (needs), people involved in the sales cycle (names), and set-
tling on a solution and on a price (negotiation).
Remember that, although these inquiries are quantitative in nature,
emotional land mines are attached if you do not tread with empathy (emo-
tional radar) in your approach. Following are some examples of how sales-
people offend clients in the quantitative discovery process (in the words of
some clients).

Numbers (price/costs/budgets). “Some salespeople ask far too much in-

formation, and it feels like an invasion of privacy.”

Needs (necessary features and benefits). “There have been times when
I was describing a product I had purchased, and the salesperson got this
condescending look on her face, like, ‘You bought that?’—not realizing
that I was the person who made that purchasing decision and they were in-
sulting me. It made me feel stupid!”

Names (people involved in the sales cycle). “I do a lot of due diligence

for purchases the company makes, yet I can tell some sales reps are just try-
ing to use me to get to the boss. They want to deal with the decision maker
190 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

FIGURE 21.2 q1 Inquiry (quantitative)

and view me only as a stepping-stone. They do not realize that, come deci-
sion time, the boss is going to give a lot of weight to my opinion of both
product and representative. When they take that approach, it makes me
feel like they don’t appreciate my role in the organization.”

Negotiations (settling on a solution and on a price). “This is the point

where we see some of people’s worst colors surface. You can pick it up in
their tone and negotiating style. Some are controlling egomaniacs, some
are whiny, some are overly rigid, some are overly sensitive, while some are
promising much more than they can deliver (lying). Ideally, negotiating
can be like a tennis match where you battle it out but enjoy the other
player’s competitiveness and game in the process.”

Moving to q2

In the q2 approach (see Figure 21.3) to discovery, sufficient weight is

given to the quantitative but is preceded in importance by the qualitative
 Emotional Archeology / Mastering the Art of the Irresistible Question 191

FIGURE 21.3 q2 Inquiry (qualitative)

discovery process. The q2 school of thought assumes that you are building
a long-term relationship with the client and are not in it for a one-year
fling. In this school of thought, the emotionally intelligent sales profes-
sional begins the excavation process intent on uncovering four critical
areas of qualitative discovery.

• History (where they’ve been and how they got to where they are)
• Goals (where they are headed and their plans for getting there)
• Transitions (the problems, challenges, and growing pains they are
currently experiencing and anticipate in the near future)
• Values (the principles upon which they have centered their life and
business)

If you want to get a more accurate portrait of who your client is and
how he or she operates at the emotional level, these four areas of inquiry
will tell you what you need to know. Picture the four areas of inquiry as the
four boards that, when put together, form a frame around the portrait of
who the client is (see Figure 21.4).
192 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

FIGURE 21.4 Framing the Picture

In conducting research with successful sales professionals, I have met

many who intuitively inquired into these qualitative categories and attrib-
ute much of their success to what they learned from these questions.
Following are examples of q2 questions you can use to get a better picture
of who your clients are. Remember, most vendors are only interested in
“what their clients have” and not in “who they are.” You stand out like a bea-
con when you master the qualitative side of the discovery process. You are
doing business with people, not entities. The q2 approach is a quantum
leap toward personalizing every business relationship.

Questions about History:

• Where are you from?
• How did you get started in this business?
• What other kinds of work have you done?
• How did you get from “there” to “here?”

Questions about Goals:

• What are your personal goals?
• What do you want to be when you grow up?
• Where would you like to see this business in five years?
• Where would you like to see yourself in five years?
 Emotional Archeology / Mastering the Art of the Irresistible Question 193

Questions about Transitions:

• How do you see your business changing?
• What are your biggest issues right now? (Where do you need the
most help?)
• What stage of the life cycle is your business currently in?
• What concerns do you see on the horizon for your business?

Questions about Values:

• What values have you focused on in building your business?
• Why did you go into this business?
• What do you love most about your work?
• What do you like least about your work?
• What do you like most/least about your current vendor?
• How do you feel about _____________________ (our company, our
product, our people, our proposal, etc.)?

BECOMING BETTER BIOGRAPHERS

Inquiring into your clients’ histories enables you to read between the
lines of where they came from, how they got started, and the paths they
have followed—which helps you to understand your clients more clearly.
I met one sales professional who placed a major emphasis on finding
out where his clients were from. He had a map of the United States on his
back wall with pins on it signifying where all his clients came from. It soon
became the central conversation piece as clients commented on individu-
als they knew from some of those places—and sometimes they discovered
they had a common connection. By asking where they were from, he was
simply reducing the degrees of separation between himself and the prospect.
Remember the six degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon? (Someone you
know, knows someone, who knows someone, who knows someone, who
knows Kevin Bacon.) The connections exist—and the good archeologist
will uncover them.
Your inquiry into the clients’ goals can tie the products and services
you offer to their hopes and aspirations. If you have a product or service
that can help your clients reach their goals at a faster pace, then you have
found a legitimate reason for doing business. Many have discovered that by
asking clients about their dreams and goals, they have been able to make
strategic introductions tying their products to their goals. The very worst
194 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

that can happen by inquiring into their goals is that you have learned some-
thing about them that most competitors will never bother to learn.
The transition inquiry is about finding the sore spots, the immediate
needs, and the annoyances that are taking the fun out of the business for
the client. Every business has problems that need to be solved. Even if your
product cannot solve these problems, you are in a much better position,
because you see the big picture in regards to the challenges of the client’s
particular business.
Understanding the values of your client is the linchpin to empathy.
Too often, vendors cross lines of conversation and behavior that trespass on
values that the client holds dear. The specific values that each of your
clients have followed in building their businesses will give you a psycholog-
ical and moral portrait of the person you are building a relationship with.
It is paramount in importance to know the clients’ likes and dislikes so that
you can stay on the credit side of their emotional ledgers.
I once read a study of the conversation patterns of sales professionals
and their clients, where a clock measured who did most of the talking. It
may come as no surprise that the seller talked 49 out of every 60 seconds.
I have to pause at such a statistic and ask, “What can you possibly learn
while your mouth is moving?” You do not discover treasures by looking at
a map and talking—you discover by digging. Rouse your curiosity, use your
imagination, and ask irresistible questions. Once your clients start talking,
they will tell you all you need to know to succeed—with them.

SELLING WITH EQ
• Spend more time listening than you do talking.
• Ask irresistible questions.
• Focus on your clients’ needs and goals.
 22
C H A P T E R T W E N T Y- T W O

IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU

“H u m a n n a t u r e w i l l n o t e a s i l y f i n d a h e l p e r b e t t e r t h a n l o v e .”

— S OC R AT E S

Principles of Emotional Intelligence

• A serving mind-set is key to building long-term loyalty.
• Inexhaustible persistence is rooted in empathy for the plight of the
client.
• Great sales professionals do not allow opportunism to short-circuit
long-term opportunity.
• Personalizing your story demonstrates empathy and delivers greater
impact.

In the mid-1980s, I moved my young family to a new city where I barely

knew a soul. I asked my lone acquaintance in this city whom he would rec-
ommend as a real estate agent. He said he had the perfect person and
would be glad to make the introduction. His recommendation would be-
come a life-altering event.
He introduced us to the sweet, petite, gray-haired Beulah, who had an
angelic face and who commenced a conversation more typical of a grand-
mother than a real estate agent. She asked us questions such as “Why are
you moving here?”, “Where did you live before, and what were you doing
there?”, “What about your children, how old are they?”, and “And aren’t
children wonderful?” Soon enough she segued into the discussion of hous-

195
196 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

ing. “What kind of house did you move from?” “How big a mortgage do you
feel you can afford?”
At the time, we felt we could afford a $50,000 mortgage. We had no eq-
uity from our previous home, and we would have to borrow some money
from our parents for a down payment. She was candid and told us that our
choices were limited at that price, but she would do her best to find us the
best home possible within our means.
As she drove us from home to home and we saw what $50,000 would
buy, we found she had prepared us for reality. Coming from a small town
in Iowa, we were accustomed to more house for this price. After a long and
disappointing day, Beulah informed us that she had one other house she
wanted us to see. Although she thought the home would be perfect for us,
she said it was a bit out of our price range. This house was about to be listed
for over $70,000 by some close friends of hers who were in the same line of
work as us. As she had predicted, we fell in love with the beautifully kept,
blue, one-and-a-half story home but feared we would not be able to raise
enough down payment to make it work.
Beulah offered to do the following: She would introduce us to a banker
who might work with us (I was self-employed with a sporadic income stream),
and she would reduce her commission for selling the house and talk to her
friends to see what might work for them. She told us we should go to our
parents to see how much money they might be able to lend us toward the
down payment.
We visited with each set of parents, and they lent us what they could,
which gave us a total of $7,000 to use as a down payment. A few days later,
we reconvened. The sellers had agreed to a price of $67,000, which we of-
fered to pay contingent on funding. We drove with Beulah to talk with the
banker. The banker told us he could lend us the money only if we could
put 20 percent down toward the purchase. This meant we needed an addi-
tional $7,000, which we did not have and had no way of getting. The banker
might as well have asked for an additional $70,000. Beulah seemed as de-
flated as we were by the news.
As we got into Beulah’s car, she turned to us and said, “I just can’t help
but feel that this house is supposed to be your house. There must be a way
to make this work out for you.”
I thanked her for her sentiments but confirmed the fact that there was
simply no more money available anywhere for us to borrow.
“Well,” she said, “don’t you give up just yet. Let me think about it and
call you tomorrow.”
The next day, Beulah called and said, “I just know you’re supposed to
be in this house, and I have decided that I am going to personally lend you
the additional $7,000 you need, and I won’t take no for an answer.”
 It’s Not about You 197

We were speechless. All we could say was, “We can’t ask you to do this!”
She replied, “You didn’t ask me. I offered it and that’s that.” She lent us
the $7,000 and gave us five years to pay back the sum—so “we wouldn’t
have too much pressure.” Beulah passed away just days after we paid her
the last payment on that note.
When I think of the greatest salesperson I ever met, I think of Beulah.
Here was a woman, a commissioned salesperson, who was utterly selfless in
the process and whose generosity was a gift from heaven. Obviously, this
woman didn’t go around every day waiving her commissions and making
personal loans to virtual strangers, but the fact that she did this time indi-
cated that her job was about more than selling houses. It was about help-
ing people get to the place they belonged and being able to turn a house
into a home.

IT’S ABOUT LIFE

Mark had reviewed Sam’s insurance coverages and was concerned that
Sam, in his early 60s, had neglected to give serious attention to his level of
life insurance. At the current level of coverage, his untimely death would
cause certain hardship for his family-owned business. Mark emphatically
stated this in Sam’s review and watched as Sam dismissively waved him off,
“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.”
That night, Mark tossed and turned thinking about Sam. Not that he
had a premonition, but he felt Sam needed to understand the serious threat
to his estate. He went back to see Sam the next day and rearticulated his
concerns.
Sam said, “I’ll think about it,” which Mark knew from experience meant
no.
Three days later, Mark stopped in again. Sam greeted him with, “Now
whaddya want?”
Mark said, “I’m not leaving here until you sign this application and get
this situation where it needs to be for your wife and family.”
Sam finally acceded, saying, “I will, if you promise to get off my back.”
A few weeks later, while driving down a country road, Mark happened
upon a one-car accident that had just taken place. The Lincoln Continental
was turned over. Mark thought the Lincoln Continental looked vaguely
familiar, so he jumped out of his car to see if he could be of any help.
When he looked in the overturned vehicle, he saw Sam, dead of a heart
attack.
The very fact that you get paid for providing the service or products you
provide will always leave open the door of cynicism in the client’s mind. Sam
198 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

thought Mark was just trying to make a sale, but Mark persisted because he
knew his motives transcended Sam’s opinion of his motives. Genuine, sincere
motives such as those possessed by Beulah and Mark fuel an inexhaustible
supply of persistence.
People will wonder why you are so persistent. Clarity will come by virtue
of the fact that you will not go away. Opportunity comes by way of impor-
tunity—persistently pursuing what you want. But that importunity must be
sincere in its desire to help the client.
One member of my seasoned sales pro roundtable offered the follow-
ing metaphor regarding the role that empathy-motivated persistence has
played in his career.

“I often think of the story I heard about teaching new tricks to

a old dog. There was this owner that put up an invisible defense
that zaps the dog in order to control the dog while he was at work.
The dog overcame the zapper defense by moving just close enough
to it to set it off, but not close enough to get the full charge. Even-
tually the dog wore down the battery and walked right out of the
yard. Many potential clients have such defenses. I wear down their
batteries by my persistence in demonstrating that I’m here for
their good.”

Stephen Halperin, president of a leading, professional static-control

service, told me a great sales story that contains an instructive subplot on
identifying and empathizing with the client’s need. Stephen’s father, who
started the firm, invented a solution that, when applied to carpets, would
eliminate static electricity for one year. His father, being a natural-born
salesperson, would walk into corporate office suites on the top floor of high-
rises where, apparently, static electricity would be at its worst, and announce
to the receptionist, “I’m here about the static electricity.”
The receptionist, accustomed to seeing customers receive a shock when
touching her counter after walking across the carpet would declare, “Oh,
thank God, it’s about time!”
Mr. Halperin would then ask, “Who should I see?” and go about mak-
ing his sale.
We would all agree that this sales ploy was very clever, but we should
also pause long enough to ask why it was so clever. The reason his approach
worked so well was that he understood their problem, empathized with
them, and had a solution in tow.
Before you open your mouth about your product or service, be sure
you know what problem you are there to solve.
 It’s Not about You 199

SHORTSIGHTED LONG SHOTS

Nate B., a telephone systems consultant, says that one way a sales pro-
fessional can convince clients of their genuine desire to help (and not ex-
ploit) is by declining to sell that which you know will be counterproductive
to your client. He told me:

“I had a client who had a growing business, and he wanted

state-of-the-art everything in it. After I installed his first phone sys-
tem, he told me he was ready to move up to something better. He
told me about a friend who had recently purchased a high-end sys-
tem for his business and mentioned some of the bells and whistles
he found attractive. Although I stood to make more money by sell-
ing him what he thought he wanted, I informed him that I thought
that the system he was looking at was a poor match for his type of
business—and in the long run might prove problematic. I proposed
a less expensive system that had the capabilities to handle the
growth he expected in the next three years.
“Some time later, he called to tell me how happy he was that I
put his interests ahead of mine. His friend who had once called
bragging about his system now was complaining about the mess
this system had caused in his business. I get more referral business
from this client than anybody else. He tells every business owner
he knows about how I treated him.”

In interviews with successful sales professionals, I have heard commen-

tary over and over again on keeping the long-term relationship with the
client at the forefront of the thought processes. Shortsighted opportunism
has closed many a door and aborted many a career. Gavin, a sales manager
for a large appliance firm, told me:

“I’m constantly reminding our people that ‘It’s not about

today—it’s about tomorrow.’ Spend more time trying to find out
what they really need instead of just trying to get a deal done. When
the buzz of a new purchase wears off, people must feel that they
bought the right thing for the right reason and at the right price.
If they don’t feel this way, they’ll blame the person and firm
that sold it—they won’t blame themselves for not being informed.
It’s hard to convince some people of this fact, but after 26 years, I
know it’s not about making a sale, it’s about building trust. That
principle must go beyond lip service. It must be gospel.”
200 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

A study by the Securities and Exchange Commission revealed that 33

percent of clients left financial broker and advisor offices feeling like they
had been talked into buying something they were not sure about. The fact
that such a statistic exists is proof enough to conclude that many of these
advisors lack empathy. The emotional ledger should be settled before the fi-
nancial ledger—not afterwards. While such a statistic does not indict every
advisor (as many clients are skittish about every purchase), it does impli-
cate those who are selling a product for the sake of selling a product—with
little or no regard for the clients’ needs.
Manipulations of this sort are precisely the behaviors that sabotage all
hopes of a long-term relationship. This sort of opportunism, for the sake of
reaching today’s sales goal, ultimately leads to a demise in client relation-
ships and one’s sales career. As empathetic sales professionals know, such
tactics are not necessary if you have an eye and an ear for legitimate needs
that can be resolved with your product or service.

PERSONALLY SPEAKING

“Find purpose in life so big that it will challenge ever y capacity to

b e a t y o u r b e s t .”

— D AV I D O . M C K A Y

Steven is passionate about motivating people to get their estate plans

in order. He is the director of sales for an estate-planning firm and has seen
firsthand the devastation that comes to families that are not proactive with
their estate planning. He witnessed the compounding toll of long-term
care, taxation, and, ultimately, probate on his own family’s estate. Steven
knows that procrastination and denial are the chief culprits, because most
folks do not want to think about dying, much less plan for it. But he knows
that the only thing surer than death and taxes are your death taxes, if you
don’t prepare ahead of time.
Steven’s personalized story to potential clients is effective because he
communicates empathy. One of his peers in the firm informed me that his
close rate is twice that of the previous director of sales. This is due to his
sense of conviction he communicates in his story. He is not selling a prod-
uct; he is offering a solution.
Conviction in the solution that you bring to the table is the hallmark
of highly successful sales professionals—the more personal the story the
better. Empathy will keep you going after a thousand nos, if you know you
 It’s Not about You 201

have the solution to the problem. Think through the following questions
as you seek to bring more personalization to your story.

• Have you personally benefited from the product or service you sell
(or a similar product or service)?
• Is there someone close to you whose story you can tell?
• Other than for a paycheck, why are you doing what you are doing?
How well do you communicate this to your clients?
• What is the greatest intangible, emotional benefit of buying your prod-
uct or service? How well do you communicate those intangibles?

Steve Mikez, a former wholesaler, told me that one of his retail clients
once said to him, “Steve I can’t help but buy from you, you’re so evangelis-
tic about your products!” Steve was passionate about his products because
he believed they were the best on the market, were right for the times—and
were good enough to use himself.
The bottom line in long-term sales success is that the self-serving sales
professional cannot keep pace in the race with the serving sales professional.
Empathy is the tortoise, and opportunism is the hare. Empathy is the foun-
dational motive that feeds the sales professional’s sense of purpose and per-
sistence in adverse climates and circumstances.

SELLING WITH EQ
• Make a difference in your clients’ lives by taking an interest in their
lives. Be extraordinary by doing the extraordinary.
• If you understand your clients’ needs, you will not be easily dissuaded
in your efforts.
• Consider the long-term emotional consequences before proposing a
solution. More important than the immediate result is the subsequent
impact on the relationship.
• Empathy is developed by identifying with the plight and problems of
your client and is communicated by personalizing your story.
 23
C H A P T E R T W E N T Y- T H R E E

THE “LIKABILITY”
QUOTIENT
“The most impor tant single ingredient in the formula

o f s u c c e s s i s k n o w i n g h o w t o g e t a l o n g w i t h p e o p l e .”

— T E D D Y R O O S E V E LT

“Friendships are fragile things and require as much care

i n h a n d l i n g a s a n y o t h e r f r a g i l e a n d p r e c i o u s t h i n g .”

—RANDOLPH S. BOURNE

The Principles of Emotional Intelligence

• Clients place as much emphasis on “likability” as they do on ability.
• Relationships are dynamic in nature and are in a constant state of
contraction or expansion.
• We must remain vigilant regarding the balances in our clients’ emo-
tional bank accounts.
• Some relational errors lead to irreparable emotional distancing.

Far too often in a selling situation, a tug-of-war develops between the

rational and feeling sides of the brain. One side asks, “Does this make sense?”
while the other side asks, “Does this feel right?” Ninety-nine percent of the
time, the feeling side wins over the rational side, and if the deal doesn’t feel
right, it is usually the seller’s fault.
Let me tell you about the easiest consulting assignment I have ever ex-
perienced. I was approached by a firm I will call XYZ Solutions. This was a
company that had positioned itself pretty well in its industry. They seemed
to have it all—the longest track record, high-quality products and services,
an admirable service record, and representatives who were informed and
accomplished. The question they wanted answered was this: “Why they were

202
 The “Likability” Quotient 203

failing to pull highly desirable accounts from a certain competitor (ABC

Solutions) that, on paper, was inferior to XYZ?”
My approach was to talk to the decision makers at these accounts and
ask them, “Why do you do business with ABC?” I did not ask, “Why don’t
you do business with XYZ?” You can probably guess the answers I heard 90
percent of the time. These answers were not about product quality, pricing,
or company history. The answers were about the human component. I re-
peatedly heard phrases like:

• “I like Mary.”
• “Joe is easy to work with.”
• “I have a good relationship with Rich.”
• “We enjoy working with Susan. Everybody looks forward to seeing her
around here, and if there’s a problem, she takes care of us.”

I gave XYZ the shortest report they have probably ever seen, “In future
recruiting, give as much weighting to ‘likability’ as you do to ability.”
Sales professionals are always looking for doors to open to bigger and
better business accounts. Every firm has its own ideas about how to nudge
or kick those doors open. Some do it with price, others with special features,
others with positioning based on quality, service, etc. Ultimately, however,
doors swing open or shut on the hinge of the likability of the person repre-
senting that firm. Give people reasons to like you, and they will find reasons
to do business with you. Give people reasons not to like you, and they will
find ways to make your life difficult and avoid doing business with you.

EMOTIONAL BANK ACCOUNTS

In his best-selling book, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Steven
Covey introduced an analogy on building rapport called the “emotional
bank account.” Think of the interactions you have with clients or coworkers
as either deposits or withdrawals from their emotional accounts. If you are
sensing an undercurrent of resistance or you are getting “that look” from an
individual, it is because you are in “overdraft” with that particular account.
Emotionally intelligent sales professionals are keenly aware of the balance
in their accounts, knowing that their success hinges on staying in the black.
It is important to remember that an emotional undercurrent is in every
conversation and interaction. To practice emotional intelligence, we must
pay as much attention to the nature of this undercurrent as we do to the
facts, content, and agenda being discussed or interacted upon. This aware-
ness will help you to keep a positive balance in all your accounts. It is impor-
204 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

tant to be consistent in your behavior in and out of your organization. I have

witnessed many sales professionals who work hard at charming the socks off
of their clients but treat their home office support staff with ingratitude and
impatience, thus sabotaging their own efforts.
The ledger for an emotional bank account might look something like
Figure 23.1.
As you can see, this list could go on ad infinitum because an emotional
debit or credit can take place in any interaction over any matter. We should
practice vigilance regarding the emotional current we bring to every inter-
action. To form this habit may require that we mentally rehearse our ap-
proach to play out the possible emotional ramifications. I often rehearse
conversations I am hesitant about with my wife so I can get her feedback
on the emotional impact. Because of her high level of empathy, her feed-
back has often kept me from embarrassing myself and going into overdraft
with business contacts.

THE LONGEST YARD

The distance between you and your client is dynamic in nature, mean-
ing it is constantly in a state of expanding or contracting. Gary DeMoss, a
career sales professional, calls the three feet of physical separation between
you and your client the longest yard. Gary says we must be keenly aware of the
emotional comfort level that dictates this physical distance. One wrong
word, a testy tone, or a cross look can increase that distance. On the other
hand, one good word, a comforting tone, or an encouraging look can de-
crease the dynamic distance.
Think of professional relationships in terms of this dynamic state of
being, and you will suddenly become more aware of the emotional impact
of your words, glances, tones, and questions. Relationships do not park often
in a state of neutrality but instead move forward or backward (on the emo-
tional level) at every intersection. Emotionally intelligent individuals work
diligently at giving people a reason to like them.

GOOD MANNERS MATTER

“ G o o d m a n n e r s w i l l o p e n d o o r s t h a t t h e b e s t e d u c a t i o n c a n n o t .”

—CLARENCE THOMAS

Two customers—a perfect contrast of one another—arrived at

a business counter at the same time.
 The “Likability” Quotient 205

FIGURE 23.1 The Emotional Ledger

Debits Credits
• Pushing to get something done • Asking for assistance
• Hurrying them during a task • Asking for a time line
• Showing up without an appointment • Calling ahead
• Taking too much of their time • Asking how much time they have
• Not allowing them sufficient opportunity • Patiently listening to concerns
to voice their concerns • Not asking for more than you give
• Asking repeatedly for favors • Being sincerely friendly
• Only acting friendly when they need • Showing gratitude for every favor
something • Asking, not expecting
• Failing to show gratitude • Checking their comfort levels first
• Taking their efforts for granted • Doing it yourself or asking for a special
• Asking them to do things out of their favor
comfort zones • Using a gentle, undemanding tone
• Asking them to perform tasks below • Using a humble, approachable tone
their positions • Using an imploring tone
• Using an agitated, confrontational, edgy • Using a calm, patient tone
tone • Keeping your word; being on time
• Using a condescending, arrogant tone • Focusing on the speaker
• Using a demanding tone of voice • Taking notes when they offer help
• Using an impatient tone of voice • "Owning up to" your mistakes
• Not following through with commitments • Lightening up in stressful situations
• Not focusing on the speaker • Smiling and bringing levity
• Not listening to their directions and • Biting your tongue and listening to the
details person who is talking
• Shifting blame for your mistakes • Taking the time to sit down and talk out
• Bringing an overintensive, uptight issues
approach • Showing courage to confront
• Never smiling • Speaking highly of others
• Interrupting the person who is talking • Using a cheerful "can do" attitude
• Failing to communicate on critical issues • Maintaining an optimistic approach
• Avoiding them in negative or troubling • Checking their time lines, agendas
circumstances first
• Talking negatively about others • Keeping the appropriate distance
• Whining, complaining, moaning, and • Earning the right to show familiarity
groaning • Using a personable approach
• Being pessimistic • Keeping quiet when in doubt, and
• Being insensitive to others’ time lines, showing grace toward mistakes
pressures, and agendas
• Invading their personal space
• Acting overly familiar
• Acting overly officious
• Using inappropriate humor, making
comments, bringing up past mistakes
206 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

The first was a man finely dressed, bespectacled, who possessed

an air of self-importance. The second was a lady, somewhat plain,
but neat in appearance, who possessed an air of humility.
The clerk addressed her first, “May I help you?”
Before she could respond, the man promptly cut her off.
“Excuse me,” he informed the clerk with perfect enunciation, “I
believe I was here first, and I’m in quite a hurry.”
The woman said, “That’s fine,” and politely stepped back.
Irritated, the clerk said to the woman, “That’s OK, I’m sure I
can help you in short order.”
The clerk then turned to the man and crisply stated, “I’ll be
right with you.”—The Daily Dose

The story reminds me of the observation made by Justice Clarence

Thomas, “Good manners will open doors that the best education cannot.”
Those who have gathered knowledge and credentials to the degree
that they now believe they are above the laws of common courtesy have
fallen prey to extreme stupidity.
People are more impressed with kindness than with knowledge. Doors
open quickly—not to those impressed with themselves, but to those im-
pressed with the importance of others.
How often have you seen an individual who has gathered knowledge,
wealth, degrees, or credentials until they believe they are above the laws of
common courtesy? These people have fallen prey to extreme emotional
stupidity. They are ignoring the first commandment of EQ—treat every per-
son you meet with courtesy and respect.
One day, as I was opening the door to the local mall with my teenage
son, a rough, rather threatening looking young man walked up behind us.
He was the kind of kid people would avoid—one who wore his animosity
on his sleeve. I decided to open the door for him and greet him like I
would any other person. He walked through the door with a stunned look
on his face and looked at me in a way as if to say, “You’re opening the door
for me?” He choked out a “Thanks,” and walked by us. Upon seeing his re-
sponse, I suspected that no one had ever opened a door for him.
Treating the powerful and influential with courtesy and respect is com-
mon but often done only to obtain favor. It is uncommon to treat every per-
son with VIP status, especially those gatekeepers who stand between you
and the people you hope to do business with. In building rapport, the emo-
tionally intelligent sales professional never underestimates the goodwill that
comes from paying small courtesies to those who society would label “small
players.”
Many sales professionals become so intensely focused on the tasks at
hand and their business goals that they neglect these small courtesies.
 The “Likability” Quotient 207

These small acts of neglect add up over time and can come back to haunt
you—when you may need the help of one of the people you failed to treat
courteously.
Recently overheard as a salesperson was leaving an office: “Don’t you
just love dealing with him? He is always so pleasant.” If that’s the only im-
pression you leave with your clients, chances are you will come out a winner.

LIKES AND DISLIKES

As part of our study on selling with emotional intelligence, we asked
clients who had regular, daily exposure to sales professionals the following
questions: “What kind of salespeople do you like? And dislike?”
Listed are the six most common responses for each category. Generally
speaking, people prefer those who pay attention to them much more than
self-centered attention seekers.

I like people who . . . I dislike people who . . .

• Pay attention to my opinions • Are disingenuous and
and ideas manipulative
• Talk to me on my level • Can’t see past their own noses
• Show me respect • Pretend to be something they
• Tell the truth are not

• Make an effort to connect with • “One-up” and always shift the

me conversation back to themselves

• Have a sense of humor • Use candor at the expense of

others
• Are overly serious about
everything

People naturally take a liking to those who are interested in others and
who are unpretentious, honest, and respectful. It doesn’t take a Ph.D. to fig-
ure out these aspects of human interaction, but obviously, from the feedback
I’ve received, not all sales professionals have done the emotional math or ex-
ercised enough self-inspection to ensure that their conduct measures up.

BIG EMOTIONAL NO-NO’S

The next question we asked was, “What are the biggest mistakes you’ve
seen sales professionals make?”
208 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Following are three oft-repeated responses that I would characterize as

“emotional time bombs.”

Failing to Tell the Truth

Each year, the Heisman trophy is given to America’s premier

collegiate football player. In 1939, the winner of that coveted prize
was the legendary running back from the University of Iowa, Niles
Kinnick.
Kinnick’s legend extended far beyond his exploits on the field.
He gave his life in World War II and was posthumously decorated.
Iowa’s football stadium today bears his namesake.
Greater than all of his accomplishments, however, was this man’s
honor.
On the last day of Kinnick’s award-winning season, the Hawkeyes
were playing for the Big Ten Championship. With just seconds to
go in the game, the Hawkeyes were driving to their opponent’s
goal line.
Kinnick took the handoff and headed to the end zone for what
would be the winning score. Just as he hit the goal line, he fum-
bled. The officials could not decide if he had crossed the goal be-
fore the fumble—and everyone knew that the championship was
on the line.
The officials then did something unheard of: knowing Niles
Kinnick to be a man above reproach, they asked him if he had
crossed the goal. Kinnick replied that he was 99 percent sure that
he had not crossed the goal line.
Iowa lost the championship.
Why is Kinnick’s legacy so great? In the words of William
Shakespeare, “No legacy is so rich as honesty.”—The Daily Dose

While every person’s standard for truth varies in its rigidity, most would
agree that the failure to speak truthfully about products and the level of
service provided jabs like a thorn in the foot of the client’s psyche. Once a
sales professional gains a label for stretching the truth, misrepresenting,
saying anything to get the sale—or any other phrase meaning lying—it is
hard to shake.
Gay Hendricks, in her book, Seven Secrets of the Corporate Mystic, studied
highly successful corporate leaders and distilled the basic personal charac-
teristics these people had in common. The first shared characteristic was
the belief in practicing absolute honesty. They had all come to the conclu-
 The “Likability” Quotient 209

sion that it is better to sink with the truth than it is to float with a lie. The
stock market troubles of 2002 are a macrocosmic picture of what happens
to client trust when CEOs and companies like Enron decide to sell per-
ceptions rather than realities.
It is best to practice absolute honesty for at least two reasons.

1. We respect ourselves more when we do. Misrepresentation chips away

at our dignity and eventually draws us into poor company.
2. We gain the respect of others. People can and will tolerate the truth,
but they will not tolerate deception. They may not like what we tell
them, but they will respect our integrity for standing by the truth.

In the simple logic of one retired sales pro, “Once you lose trust, you
lose. Period.” Honesty not only makes you more trustworthy but more lik-
able as well.

Constantly Pushing

“The decision-making process takes time. I wish it didn’t take

as much time in our organization as it does, but there’s not much
I can do to hasten the process. The vendors who shoot themselves
in the foot with me are those who keep calling when I have noth-
ing to tell them. They are in such a hurry and are so impatient that
they end up being an annoyance, and I begin to question whether
I even want to put up with their pushiness.”—Regina Q., Director
of Purchasing

Pushiness is a great turnoff and an emotional time bomb for those get-
ting pushed. It may be one too many closing phone calls, an overly eager
tone of voice, or insensitivity to a client’s normal selling cycle. Some call it
bully tactics, and others call it annoying, but most of us would agree that it
is time to look for a place to hide (and are thankful for caller ID) when it
comes to dealing with the pushy salesperson.
Pushy individuals lack the emotional competencies of both awareness
and empathy—hence the ill-guided, bulldozing approach toward getting
things done. They often seem oblivious to others’ agendas, stresses, time
lines, and concerns. They demand quick and instantaneous resolution to
every impediment and have the illusion that applying “push” to the right
person will get the deal done. Pushy professionals eventually wear down
their clients and lose opportunities. And, because they lack awareness, they
blame others for their failures.
210 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

The world of sales is fertile ground for aggressive and competitive in-
dividuals, but it is alluring for the overly aggressive as well. The trick is to
temper one’s aggression with diplomacy or, as one seasoned sales pro put
it, “To be aggressive without appearing aggressive.”

Leaning Too Heavily on the Relationship/Taking the

Relationship for Granted

“We had this vendor who everyone really liked and the rela-
tionship was always smooth. It was so smooth that we let our guard
down a bit and stopped doing our homework the way we should.
One day, it came to our attention that he was charging us a very
high price for a particular service. When we confronted him, he
admitted that ‘he had room to work’ and would see about getting
the cost down. When he left, we decided as a business that we were
going to end this relationship, because we felt he had used his good
rapport with us as a means to gouge us.” —Vicki G., Vice President
of Marketing

This story illustrates the fact that building rapport with a client is not a
substitute for providing value to the client. At the end of the day, everyone is
in business to make or save as much money as possible. The ultimate buying
scenario is to receive the best value and to have a good relationship with the
seller. But the trade-off between value and a good relationship has its limita-
tions. People often will pay a premium to work with someone they know, like,
and trust; however, that principle extends only so far. If, at any point, they
feel they are being unfairly charged, their trust goes down the tubes.
You may feel that all your clients and accounts love you. You may be the
most charming and likable sales professional on your side of the Mississippi,
but that rapport will dissipate like vapor if your clients get the idea that you
are not looking our for their best interests.

GIVE THEM A REASON TO LIKE YOU

“In my business, I’m often required to put together meetings
for clients in hotels and must compete with all the other clients the
hotel staff is catering to at the same time. I’ve witnessed how rude,
abrupt, demanding, impatient, and insensitive some of these other
clients can be, and I have always taken the approach that I simply
 The “Likability” Quotient 211

need to give these people a reason to like me. I go out of my way

to treat them with friendliness and respect and have always received
great service and, I suspect at times, preferential treatment. It’s not
rocket science, but a lot of people fail to practice it.”—Marian L.,
Sales and Marketing Training Director

The emotional parallel to your ability is your likability. In nurturing

and developing your own likability, remember to follow these principles of
selling with emotional intelligence.

• Pay attention to the little stuff. Little courtesies, small gestures of re-
spect, paying attention, and words and tokens of gratitude go a long
way toward likeability.
• Be aware of the balance at all times in the emotional bank accounts
of the people you work with every day, as well as for your customers
and clients. Consider the emotional impact of your words before you
speak and the emotional impact of your actions before you act.
• Study people that you find to be likable and emulate the behaviors
you observe. You will find that likable people possess the ability to
make you feel good about yourself, to help you relax in their pres-
ence, and to pass on to you their enthusiasm about life.

SELLING WITH EQ
• Strive to keep a positive balance in every emotional bank account.
• Take no one for granted.
• Practice little courtesies in a big way.
• Try to give clients a reason to like you.
 24
C H A P T E R T W E N T Y- F O U R

REDUCING STRESS IN
CONFRONTATION
“All problems become smaller if you don’t dodge them but

c o n f r o n t t h e m . To u c h a t h i s t l e t i m i d l y , a n d i t p r i c k s

y o u ; g r a s p i t b o l d l y , a n d i t s s p i n e s c r u m b l e .”

— W I L L I A M F. H A L S E Y

The Principles of Emotional Intelligence

• Confrontations do not need to be confrontational to be effective.
• Those who desire to fix the blame will have trouble fixing the problem.
• If people like your manner, they are more willing to help solve your
problems.

When most people think of the word confrontation, they immediately as-
sociate it with negative emotions and the escalation of conflict. Yet con-
frontation, when handled properly, can be a positive emotional process
that results not only in resolving the conflict but in preventing future con-
flicts as well. Your most crucial step is your first step—the approach.
I recently heard a story about a business owner who had an irate con-
tractor pacing in his reception area. He fit the stereotype for his trade—a
stout, muscular man with a stern demeanor that advertised the brevity of his
patience. He told the receptionist that the business owner owed him $30,000
and he wasn’t leaving the building until he had a check in hand. His tone
was harsh enough that the receptionist figured he meant to become a per-
manent reception area fixture if not satisfied with payment. She called the
business owner’s office to apprise him of the situation. To her surprise and
to the surprise of the contractor, he said, “Oh, send him right in.”

212
 Reducing Stress in Confrontation 213

Twenty minutes later, a stunned staff watched as the contractor exited

the business owner’s office a transformed man. He was wearing a jacket with
the company’s logo on it and holding a check for $3,000—and couldn’t say
enough about what a “great guy” the business owner was. He shared with the
receptionist how the business owner was all smiles and handshakes and so
glad to see him—the opposite of what he had expected. The owner listened
to the contractor’s complaint and assured him of how important their good
business relationship was, especially as the business was growing. He told the
contractor of the cash flow challenges they were experiencing with their
growth and got him to agree to take $3,000 today and the balance in 60 days.
He then fitted the contractor with a jacket and sent him on his merry way.
With a will to listen and some diplomatic charm, we can turn our worst
adversaries into our greatest advocates. Study personalities who excel in the
art of confronting difficult situations and note the patterns of diplomacy
that they exercise. I have performed these observations over many years and
have taken specific notes of the tactful approaches these winsome personal-
ities employ. I would characterize these approaches as Confrontational Rules
of Thumb.
If we heed the following rules in difficult, testy, and trying circumstances,
we will experience the magic of emotional intelligence that capitalizes on
conflicts rather than suffers from them. The wise sales professional recog-
nizes the opportunities that await the captain who can successfully navigate
through choppy seas. By following these simple but efficacious rules of con-
frontation, you will earn admiration, confidence, and trust.

Be Transparent

Our first challenge in a conflict scenario is to motivate the other party

to work through the conflict. We can achieve this by starting with a clear
and honest agenda. People often fail to work with us or to work things out
because they are suspicious of our motives. They are thinking to them-
selves, “Yeah, this is going to be good for you, but what about me?” To ob-
viate such problems, we need to address clearly why we are there by saying
something like, “The reasons I want to work through this situation are . . .”
When people are dishonest about their real motives, others will grow sus-
picious and try to detect our real angle. We are all aware that, “What’s in it
for me?” is the law of the jungle—and people rarely set out on a course of
action without some hope of personal payoff.
Any attempts at confronting and resolving a conflict should commence
with a transparent admission of why we are there. The payoff we seek may
be emotional in nature such as, “I want to talk because I think I may have
214 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

miscommunicated, and I don’t want to have any tension or mistrust in our

relationship. I was hoping we could talk through this matter and come to
an understanding. I value you as a client and want this relationship to con-
tinue and grow.”
The other party may retract their suspicions with this introduction, be-
cause we have laid our cards on the table. We have demonstrated that we
want to keep their business and remove any tension from the relationship.
If we were to tiptoe or circumvent the same situation with, “We need to talk
about such and such a situation . . .”, the client begins to wonder, “Why do
you want to talk about this?” Without transparency in confronting conflicts,
suspicions begin to fester, and communication erodes into a defensive joust-
ing match.

Give the Credit, Take the Blame

“If things go really badly, I take the blame. If they

go somewhat badly, we are both to blame. If things

g o r e a l l y w e l l , i t ’ s b e c a u s e o f y o u .”

— B E A R B R Y A N T, legendary football coach

The common narcissistic urge in most people is to gather glory when

things go well and to spread blame when things go wrong. People within
corporations and organizations often build up years of resentment based
on these behaviors. People have an innate need to be recognized for their
contributions and to be approached diplomatically and gracefully when
they make mistakes. The secure and confident sales professional can sin-
cerely accept responsibility when communication fails and processes falter.
Emotionally intelligent leaders understand that their leadership styles
in times of tension establish a pattern for their entire organization. The in-
dividual who accepts blame and distributes credit recognizes the crucial im-
portance of a team dynamic in organizational success. Motivation is quickly
diffused when people contribute energetically and receive little or no recog-
nition or gratitude. This demotivating spiral quickly accelerates when the
leader harbors the credit for their efforts. Workplace history shows that
such disingenuous and narcissistic behavior erodes relational trust and loy-
alty, leading to increased conflict and resistance to cooperation.

“ W h e n a p e r s o n i s a l w a y s r i g h t , t h e r e h a s t o b e s o m e t h i n g w r o n g .”

—ANONYMOUS
 Reducing Stress in Confrontation 215

The world is full of people who want to take credit for what others do
right, and those same people want to blame somebody else for everything
they do wrong—which is the root of many business conflicts. Take a look at
those people you work with who you just want to run away from. This sec-
ond rule often defines what is wrong. Many people, because of insecurity,
are living unconsciously by the rule, “Take the credit, give the blame.” Sit
back and observe the magic that happens when we start saying things like,
“You know this situation fell apart, and I’ve got to look in the mirror first.
I’ve got to ask myself where I screwed up. What did I neglect to look at?” If
we are going to be emotionally intelligent leaders, we’ve got to be ready,
willing, and able to take the blame for what happens on our watch.”

“ W h e n y o u k n o w y o u ’ r e g o i n g t o b e a c c u s e d , a c c u s e y o u r s e l f f i r s t .”

—ANONYMOUS

Herein is the magic of taking blame—it disarms our adversaries. By ac-

cusing ourselves, we remove the chief arsenal from our adversaries. We go
from a metaphorical whipping to a metaphorical self-flagellation by saying,
“I really screwed up here. Here’s where I made my mistake. . . .” Now we’re
emotionally disarming our adversaries. We are literally disrobing our mis-
takes, and they’re beginning to feel like, “Yeah, I agree, but hey, that’s tol-
erable, we’re all human.” Take note of the phenomena that takes place
when we accuse ourselves first. When we start saying, “Here’s where I’m cul-
pable,” all of a sudden the client says, “Well, yeah, but it wasn’t just you. I
mean, I could have done . . .” Most fights are a Ping-Pong match of, “You
did this” and “No, I didn’t do that.” Avoiding this frustration is simply a
matter of taking the blame before it is offered.
Alternatively, when things go right, we can say, “Yeah, I was involved, but
if you didn’t do what you’re doing and my staff didn’t do their part, this
wouldn’t have worked so well. This is a team game we’re playing here.”
Behind every great story is a team of people making it happen. When we start
uttering these beneficent words, people are drawn to us because they want
to be around secure individuals who are giving credit and taking blame.

Know When It’s an I or a We Problem

In potential and actual conflict situations, we must pay close attention

to the subtleties of our speech. If the problem is the result of our own mak-
ing or negligence and we say to a coworker or client, “We’ve got a prob-
lem,” we are implying that the problem is equally of their making—and
216 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

now they share responsibility to fix it. There will either be outward or veiled
resistance to this approach.
On the other hand, if there are equal and proportional contributions
of negligence, then stating, “We’ve got a problem . . . ”, or “I’ve got a prob-
lem,” is an emotionally intelligent approach, as it infers a team approach
and a willingness to help.
If the cause of the problem is squarely on the shoulders of the other
person(s), avoid saying, “You’ve got a problem,” which isolates the individ-
ual in a negative spotlight. This approach is kind of like watching yourself
do a belly flop in a slow-motion replay—a painful experience. The safest
and best approach is to say, “We might have a problem here” or “We’ve got
to figure out a solution.” By using we, you are showing them they are not
alone in this situation—and that we are there to help resolve the situation.
When we know we are the direct cause of the problem, the scenario is
not a we problem, it is an I problem. “Because I caused a problem, it is my
problem, not our problem.” Then it is important to say something like, “I
have a problem, I goofed up. Would you be willing to lend some help?” Or,
“Unfortunately, I caused this problem by myself, but I can’t fix it by myself.
Is there any way you can help me?” How do most people respond to an ap-
proach like that? If they have half a heart, they will help you. If we are being
blamed for a situation in which we’ve done nothing to cause the problem,
treat it like a we problem anyway. As regrettable being blamed unfairly is,
we can win friends by sharing and shouldering the responsibility, even
when others cause the problem.

Use Self-Deprecating Humor

“Blessed is the man who can laugh at himself,

f o r h e ’ l l n e v e r c e a s e t o b e a m u s e d .”

—ANONYMOUS

As mentioned in an earlier chapter, laughter and tension cannot occupy

the same space at the same time. This idea translates into a good metaphor
for the baggage people carry in the workplace, which often translates into
interpersonal conflict. Approaching these conflicts with a self-deprecating
sense of humor can diffuse the tension that prolongs the conflict.
If I had to pick out one rule in life for becoming a more likable per-
son, I would keep this rule: learn to laugh at yourself. People are attracted
to those who do not take themselves too seriously and can have a laugh at
their own expense. People who can make fun of themselves are easy to
 Reducing Stress in Confrontation 217

communicate with and easy to be around. People are attracted to laughter

and smiles, and self-deprecation indicates a secure and self-confident indi-
vidual. The fact that we can joke about our shortcomings and foibles tells
people that underneath the surface, we are confident individuals.

“A per fectionist is someone who takes great pains—

a n d g i v e s t h e m t o o t h e r s .”

—ANONYMOUS

Why do so many people, especially those who take themselves too seri-
ously, put up pretenses in conflict situations? Many people feel the need to
keep up their image and are afraid of exposure. In psychology, this phe-
nomenon is called the “imposter syndrome.” Many people are afraid that
others are going to find out what they really know (or don’t know) and/or
who they really are.
If we find ourselves in a situation where the potential for conflict exists,
and we say, “I guess I was kind of a dope yesterday,” that self-deprecating
opening creates a loose and stress-free starting point. We disarm defensive
instincts with this sort of approach. If they respond by saying, “Yeah, you
were a dope all right,” then instead of becoming defensive, you say, “At
least we have agreement on that. Now, we’re getting somewhere.” Behind
all this lightheartedness, a significant psychological shift is taking place.
When we cease to take ourselves so seriously, our adversaries are inclined
to lighten their own tension levels, because our self-deprecation has a dis-
arming effect. Self-deprecation acts as a tension-releasing lever—once we
pull that lever, the conversation takes on a more edifying tone.
A humorous approach works in your favor for many reasons.

• People who can laugh at themselves are easier to communicate with

in conflict situations.
• Laughter releases tension and acts as a stress valve.
• People are attracted to laughter and smiles.
• A self-deprecating sense of humor indicates a secure and confident
individual.

Use a Humble Approach

“ I t ’ s w h a t y o u l e a r n a f t e r y o u k n o w i t a l l t h a t c o u n t s .”

—ANONYMOUS
218 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

A humility-based approach is indicated with these kinds of statements.

• “I may have messed up here.”

• “I think I goofed.”
• “Did I handle that properly?”
• “Do you think there’s a better plan?”
• “I apologize.”
• “I’ll need some help for this to work.”
• “Did I follow through the way we’d talked about on that project?”

People who are not accustomed to such an approach may struggle with
such prefaces at first but will soon be convinced by the change in tone and
response from the other party. In the TEAM Dynamics approach to conflict,
each person recognizes both the natural strengths and flaws of each style.
Once we realize that certain flaws or challenges are inherent in each style,
we can more easily adapt a sense of humor and humble demeanor regard-
ing those flaws. Chapter 25, “Masters in Conflict,” shows what to expect and
how to adjust to each personality type in conflict situations.
Tension and conflict build when we take the opposite path of accusa-
tion and self-justification. This path only breeds resentment—even when we
are “in the right.” Bjorn Borg’s sporting maxim of “Win without bragging
and lose without excuse” also serves well in the realm of managing conflicts.
Humility will bring you more success with people than stubborn pride.
Humble people are grateful people. Humble people appreciate where they
started and where they are today. A person who possesses humility doesn’t
need to make pretenses. Simply put, people connect with and trust those
who possess humility. What’s not to like about those individuals who are in
touch with their own weaknesses as well as strengths? Their humility en-
courages a humble and responsible response on our part. Humility demon-
strates that we value the relationship and have an open mind.
Some good words to practice are “I made a mistake” or “I could be
wrong here” or “Please forgive me for what I said or did.” Having the hu-
mility to say such words adds cohesiveness to our relationships. People are
more at ease and want to deal with people who can articulate modesty. The
articulation of this sort of humility indicates a secure, confident, and real-
istic person.
Here are a few of the many advantages of approaching conflicts with a
humble demeanor.

• A humble approach is based on an open mind.

• A humble approach demonstrates an awareness of one’s own weak-
nesses as well as strengths.
• A humble approach encourages a humble and responsible response.
 Reducing Stress in Confrontation 219

• A humble approach demonstrates that you value the relationship at

hand.

By practicing these five rules of thumb in confrontation situations,

we’ll find that others are more willing to work with us. These confronta-
tional rules of thumb are emotionally intelligent methods for diffusing con-
flict situations. Too often, conflicts are intensified because of ill-advised
approaches toward resolving the problem. It is important to have a people-
smart approach to confrontation. People are more inclined to help you,
when they find a reason to like you.

LET THEM HELP YOU

The story is told of a conflict that Ben Franklin was having with a mem-
ber of the first Continental Congress. To move forward on an important
idea, Franklin needed this individual’s agreement; however, his foe would
not move even an inch.
Franklin searched for a tactic to put himself in the good graces of this
man. Franklin decided that this man needed to view him in a different per-
spective for any change to take place. He tried to think of some favor he
could do for this gentleman and then came upon this idea: “To win an-
other person over, it is best to allow them to give you a gift or favor than for
you to give them a gift or favor.” If he did a favor for the man, that favor
could easily be misconstrued as a briberous act, but if he asked this man to
do him a favor, it would only be interpreted as an act of grace.
Franklin learned that this man had in his possession a rare volume of a
book that he desired to read, so he went to his adversary and implored him
about the possibility of borrowing this rare book. The man was only too
happy to extend this favor and display a more congenial side of himself.
Once Franklin had read the book and they had discussed the author and
contents, a more friendly dialogue had been established between them.
This amicability led to a compromise that helped Franklin move his
cause forward. Ben Franklin’s example helps to affirm our chief principle
regarding confrontation, namely that people are most inclined to help you
when they find a reason to like you.

WINNING FRIENDS, NOT ARGUMENTS

Emotionally intelligent confrontation skills come down to our ability to
put relationships in their proper priority—above and beyond winning an ar-
gument or getting our way. What do we really gain by “winning” an argu-
220 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

ment, when the cost is a relational connection that could have contributed
to our future prosperity? In laying out the confrontational rules of thumb,
I do not intend to imply that these approaches or responses will be easy. We
are all human, given to whims and occasionally carried far from logic by our
own self-justifying emotions. Consequently, we will be tempted to plead our
case, even if by doing so we pave the path to greater conflict. By practicing
the principles laid out here, however, you will see the world of conflict
through a different set of eyes. You will see that most people do not want ar-
guments, disagreements, and the accompanying tension. You will see that
people desire resolution and peace of mind. By following these principles,
you can diffuse tension, bring clarity, and quickly move forward from nega-
tive situations.
People feel assured that their mistakes would be quickly repaired be-
cause the focus is on “fixing the problem, not placing the blame.” Cooper-
ation and teamwork flourish in such an environment, and the wise sales
professional sets this we tone in conflict scenarios.
It is also important to make sure that your tone and your body lan-
guage, as well as your words, communicate. Insincerity with team-building
phraseology is more destructive than blaming and irresponsibility. Most
conflicts find their roots in poor communication. Make sure every aspect of
your communication—words, tone, nonverbal signals, and pace—convey
the same message. “I value this relationship and I want to resolve this ten-
sion.” Emotionally intelligent individuals understand this principle and work
toward communicating that they are going to be easy to work with.

SELLING WITH EQ
• Avoid confrontational postures when confronting a problem. Your
demeanor will set the stage for solving the issue.
• Let empathy be your guide. Always consider the other person’s
predicament and point of view.
• Don’t take yourself too seriously and people will relax around you.
 25
C H A P T E R T W E N T Y- F I V E

MASTERS IN CONFLICT
“Persuasion, kind, unassuming persuasion should

b e a d a p t e d t o i n f l u e n c e t h e c o n d u c t o f m e n .”

—ABRAHAM LINCOLN

The Principles of Emotional Intelligence

• Each personality possesses predictable behaviors in conflict scenarios.
• Knowing how to temper one’s own biases and impulses prevents the
escalation of conflict.
• An emotionally intelligent response acts as a catalyst for reversing a
negative conversational climate.

Most of us would agree that much of the conflict we experience with

clients, employees, and coworkers is personality based, hence the term per-
sonality clash. In this chapter, I reveal effective conflict approaches that re-
duce the clash dynamic by building an emotional bridge, giving the other
party safety and comfort. I also highlight the personality biases that tend to
surface in conflict scenarios and explain how to keep these biases from sab-
otaging the resolution process. Very specific compromises are effective for
diffusing or preventing conflicts with each personality type. Finally, I discuss
how to stay above the fray when encountering the surly, the arrogant, the de-
fensive, and the many other negative approaches we are bound to run into.

THE POWER OF EMPATHY

The first and most crucial emotional competence necessary for resolv-
ing conflict is empathy—the process of identifying emotionally with another

221
222 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

person. In fact, it safely could be stated that empathy is the cornerstone of

all conflict management. Empathy is certainly a skill demonstrated by those
who keep themselves disentangled from conflicts.
Because of our core personality, it can be difficult to force ourselves to
feel events the same way another person does. However, we can, at the very
least, understand that others feel events differently than we do, and that
they are neither right nor wrong for the way they process events. The good
news is that neither you nor the other party is wrong for seeing events as
you do—the perception and response are rooted in core personalities.
If you hope to resolve conflicts, your first step is empathic identity with
the other person’s vantage point. Once this step is taken, defenses are
brought down, and we are more willing to meet halfway.

THE LENS OF PERSONALITY

A good metaphor for developing understanding when dealing with op-
posing personalities is to realize that each personality sees the world through
a unique lens (see Figure 25.1). The Togetherness personality sees the world
through a wide-angle lens—always concerned about others in the process.
The Enterpriser personality sees the world through a telescope and wants
to keep moving toward a distant shore (goal). The Analyzer personality sees
the world through a microscope and is constantly trying to get a closer,
more detailed view. The Motivator personality sees the world through a
kaleidoscope and captures the fun, spontaneity, and excitement of life.
Using these metaphorical lenses can help us to view a conflicted situa-
tion through the eyes of the other person, even if that person is our per-
sonality opposite. Understanding the perception of the other party is the
great empathetic leap that makes most conflicts reasonable and many bro-
ken relationships reconcilable.

FIGURE 25.1 Personality Lenses

Togetherness Enterpriser Analyzer Motivator

Personality Personality Personality Personality
 Masters in Conflict 223

Parable—“Johnny Falls Down”

The following parable illustrates the phenomena of personality-

influenced perceptions and their role in conflict.

Johnny and his four friends were riding their bicycles, when
Johnny fell down. Here is how his four friends responded to the
situation.
Togetherness Friend: “Are you OK? Can I help you?”
Enterpriser Friend: “Where did you learn to ride a bike? Hurry
up, we’re going to be late!”
Analyzer Friend: “You’d better not move. You could have an in-
ternal injury. You know, you wouldn’t have fallen off if your shoe
had been tied.”
Motivator Friend: “That was cool! Did you see that flip?
Unbelievable!”
The next day at school, Johnny’s four friends gave their idio-
syncratic accounts of what had happened.
Togetherness Friend: “I really wonder if these are people I
want to be friends with. Johnny falls off his bike. One person is
yelling at him to get up, another is criticizing, and another is
laughing at him. Those people have no sensitivity.”
Enterpriser Friend: “Johnny is such a klutz. Just because he
can’t ride a bike, we’re late and end up with the worst seats. Next
time he doesn’t get invited.”
Analyzer Friend: “Johnny is so careless. I still think he should
go see the doctor. Sometimes these internal traumas kick in late. I
mean, I’ve heard of people dying.”
Motivator Friend: “It was hilarious! He goes flying, does a flip.
I give him a ‘10’—Olympic quality. There was blood everywhere!”

Moral of the story: We often think that conflict arises because we can-
not agree on a solution. Johnny’s story illustrates that, because of our core
personalities, we have trouble just agreeing on what happened—even when
we all witness the same event.

THE OTHER PERSON’S PERSPECTIVE

Many of our conflicts are due simply to personality-based interpreta-
tion and response. The first and most powerful step in conflict manage-
ment is to allow yourself to see the event through the vantage point of the
personality you are dealing with. The chief question we need to ask in con-
224 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

flict is not “What do you think we should do?” but rather “What did you see
happen?” or “What is the problem from your vantage point?”
Too often, conflicts escalate as we argue over the proper response, while
we have not yet agreed on what happened (through one another’s eyes).
As the parable of Johnny and his friends illustrates, each person witnesses
a different set of events within one event as biased by their core personal-
ity. Until we understand the other person’s interpretation of the event, our
attempts at resolution can be futile.
A large percentage of our continuing conflicts are rooted in these types
of core-personality perceptions. Personality plays a substantial role in the
amount of conflict we experience with coworkers, employers, and clients.

WHOSE FAULT IS IT? THE ROOTS OF

STRESS IN THE WORKPLACE
Once it becomes clear that a person’s actions and reactions can be traced
to a core personality, our approach toward coworkers, employees, and clients
can shift from blame and attempts at manipulation to negotiating compro-
mises—or simply meeting at the “halfway point of our two personalities.”
An individual’s core personality is like the DNA that drives his behav-
ior. Attempts at altering the DNA of an individual’s core personality will be
met with resistance, frustration, and even hostility. Certain modes of be-
havior are so far outside the comfort zone of their personality that they can-
not enter those modes without becoming tense and stressed in the process.
The individual who constantly forces these modes soon becomes the focal
point for conflict.
Resolving core personality–based conflict plays a significant role in both
production and management issues. Following are some examples of how
core personality enters into our everyday affairs.

• Scenario One. The high E (Enterpriser) manager barks orders at a

high T (Togetherness) sales professional, who is highly sensitive by
nature of personality.
• Scenario Two. The high E sales professional frustrates a high A (Ana-
lyzer) client by pushing for closure on a project but not providing
necessary details.
• Scenario Three. The high A manager takes an impersonal approach,
focusing only on the process to the neglect of personal relationship.
This manager alienates both the T and the M (Motivator) personal-
ities, which are relationally focused.
 Masters in Conflict 225

• Scenario Four. A high T client is easily offended by the high E’s can-
dor, and that same Enterpriser is frustrated by the high T client’s
indecisiveness.
• Scenario Five. The high M sales professional feels that the high A
client impedes progress with pessimism, need for detail, and con-
stant second-guessing.
• (Note. The inverse of the above scenarios would also be true.)

What is necessary to diffuse conflict in all of these scenarios is for each

personality involved to meet the other halfway in establishing a comfort-
able mode of working and relating for both parties. For example, we have
seen individuals in similar scenarios improve their workplace relations by:

• Tactfully confronting personality-based tensions

• Establishing halfway-point personality compromises

Negotiating Core-Personality Compromises

Scenario One: High E Manager and High T Sales Professional

Enterpriser Compromises Togetherness Compromises

• Find diplomatic ways to state • Don’t regard Enterpriser
case. candor or abrasion as a
• Ask—don’t order. personal attack.
• Pause and inquire when you • Write directives down and
observe frustration. reiterate.
• Understand the Enterpriser’s
need for results.

Scenario Two: High E Sales Professional and High A Client

Enterpriser Compromises Analyzer Compromises

• Try to understand their need • Find areas of agreement and
for thoroughness. restrain the impulse to judge.
• Wait for their input before • Listen to and consider
pushing to completion. innovative input.
• State case in open-minded • Play devil’s advocate without
manner. being negative or cynical.
• Demonstrate patience with
tone and body language.
226 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Scenario Three: High A Manager and High M Sales Professional

Analyzer Compromises Motivator Compromises

• Try to be more personal in • Get help to organize your
approach. ideas before presenting.
• Understand that processes are • Prepare a plan for follow-
most successful when people through.
are enthused. • Understand the Analyzer’s
• Allow time for a little need for detail to be
socializing. comfortable.
• Ask for creative input. • Stay focused (take notes)
when the Analyzer is giving
input.

Scenario Four: High T Client and High E Sales Professional

Togetherness Compromises Enterpriser Compromises
• Understand the Enterpriser’s • Be mindful of high T
need for action and results. sensitivity before responding.
• Keep a sense of humor • Talk through both options
regarding candor. and consequences with the
(Enterprisers can take Togetherness personality.
some ribbing.) • Temper an opinionated tone.
• Ask for the Enterpriser’s
input, and give a time frame
for a decision.

Scenario Five: High M Sales Professional and High A Client

Motivator Compromises Analyzer Compromises
• Don’t express ideas to the • Ask the Motivator where you
Analyzer that are not well can get the details you desire.
thought out. Don’t expect to get the details
• Slow down your presentation from the high M.
and make a short outline. • Be prepared to hear big
• Regard pessimism as helpful picture concepts.
troubleshooting rather than • Be willing to play around with
shooting down. ideas.
• Ask the question, “What will • Make sure your expression is
we need to do to make this not communicating negativity
work?” Take notes. or tension.
 Masters in Conflict 227

UNREASONABLE EXPECTATIONS
It was said of Alexander the Great that the more he got to know peo-
ple, the more he loved his dog. It is unreasonable to expect everyone in our
workplaces to adjust to all of the quirks and characteristics of our person-
ality style. Those with patterns similar to ours will be more comfortable with
our natural forms of relating. With these people, few compromises are nec-
essary, and we can just be ourselves.
Diplomacy, restraint, and compromise enter in most often when we are
dealing with people of opposite patterns. If we refuse to compromise when
dealing with those of conflicting personality patterns, we will be met with
equally powerful forces of resistance and resentment.
It is reasonable to expect that, if we are willing to temper our own
personality impulses, then the other parties—sensing a step in their direction
—will alter their responses. A reasonable expectation is to negotiate com-
promise first by demonstrating compromise. As these scenarios demonstrate,
one party cannot negotiate compromise for both parties. True compro-
mise involves both parties taking equal steps toward the halfway point of a
working comfort zone.

PERSONALITY-BASED CONFLICT TENDENCIES

Because of the four different personality styles, we see radically different
responses to conflict. It is important to understand these tendencies. By un-
derstanding these tendencies, we know exactly what to expect and are more
likely to incisively diffuse the existing tension. People often become angry
with one another because of the way they react—not understanding that
many such reactions are programmed into the DNA of the core personality.
Following are some of the common conflict responses of the four
personalities.

Common Conflict Responses: The Togetherness Personality

In conflict situations, high Ts are likely to:

• Avoid interpersonal aggression
• Become quiet
• Freeze up (may flush with frustration)
• Become emotional and/or defensive
228 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

• Express frustration and feelings to people other than the offending

party
• Give in or feign agreement to avoid losing approval

Recognizing the signs of escalating conflict or frustration with the To-

getherness personality is important. They are often subtle in their methods
of disagreement, and as a result, they are either overlooked, or attempts
are made to superficially placate them. Conflict is building when the high
T personality begins to clam up and/or flush, displays a lost or bewildered
look, or responds in a defensive manner.

In conflict scenarios with Togetherness individuals, we should:

• Inquire about their thoughts and feelings in the situation
• Demonstrate concern and respect with good listening skills
• Outline the necessary steps in resolving the conflict

Common Conflict Responses: The Enterpriser Personality

In conflict situations, Enterprisers are likely to:

• Take a direct, aggressive approach
• Rapidly escalate the level of confrontation
• Create win/lose outcomes if there is a lack of cooperation (be
competitive)
• Attempt to clear the air at one sitting
• Solve problems with more regard for closure than feelings
• Listen to creative input to solve problems

Because of their propensity for candor, Enterprisers will wrestle conflict

head on. Some people appreciate their straightforwardness, and others find
it offensive. Enterprisers often operate with a what-you-see-is-what-you-get
mentality and abhor any pretense—especially in a conflict scenario. This
personality style is not afraid of hurting people’s feelings if they feel the res-
olution is right and are often heard saying, “They’ll get over it!” in regard to
emotional responses. Because of their intense desire for closure, however,
Enterprisers will listen to creative input that solves the issue and will quickly
move to resolve issues rather than stew and harbor resentment.

In conflict scenarios with Enterprises, we should:

• Avoid arguments. Listen to their complaints and ideas for resolution
• Ask for best ways to solve the conflict
 Masters in Conflict 229

• Own up quickly to any mistakes made (don’t try to make up excuses)

• Be ready to put the situation behind and move forward

Common Conflict Responses: The Analyzer Personality

In conflict situations, Analyzers are likely to:

• Increase resistance and shift into passive/aggressive behavior
• Overpower others with facts and logic
• Become defensive
• Withhold information
• Respond with “what if. . . ?” questions and “prove that!” statements
• Judge their adversary and the situation in black-and-white (critical)
terms

Resolving a conflict with Analyzers is going to be a different experi-

ence altogether than with the Enterprisers. While the Enterpriser wants a
quick resolution, the Analyzer wants a thorough resolution. Analyzers exam-
ine all the events that led to the conflict, then carefully lay out the
groundwork to prevent this scenario from recurring. Analyzers will not
readily change their views without overwhelming evidence. The Analyzers’
first response in conflict will be defensiveness, and they will quickly at-
tempt to prove that they are right. Analyzers may withhold necessary
input for solving the conflict or even refuse to participate at all in the res-
olution process.

In conflict scenarios with Analyzers, we should:

• Avoid forcing or pushing the resolution process (adopt a patient
approach and move slowly and cautiously)
• Avoid debate and blaming
• Take notes and ask for their critique of the problem and their input
for preventing future conflicts

Common Conflict Responses: The Motivator Personality

In conflict situations, Motivators are likely to:

• Avoid the scene when they sense negativity
• Try to dismiss or smooth over the situation (adopt a superficial fix)
• Become emotional and offensive—take criticism or conflicts personally
• Seek control or revenge by persuading others to side with them
230 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

• Openly joke about or trivialize the conflict (but be internally upset)

• Overwhelm their opponent with monologue

Motivators are quite uncomfortable in confronting conflicts, which go

against the grain of their “take life in stride” nature. Motivators are good at
rallying people to their cause and trying to win by virtue of a majority. They
are also inclined to use superficial fixes by making light of the situation,
restoring an air of amicability. Motivators avoid people whose tone commu-
nicates anger, frustration, or impatience. Criticism is often taken as a threat
to their image, and they may respond by attacking the adversary or venting
their frustrations. Motivators may also act as if the problem is solved (in
hopes that it will pass), when there is still an undercurrent of conflict.

In conflict scenarios with the Motivator personality style, we should:

• Approach clients in a friendly and positive fashion
• Use self-deprecating humor to ease tension
• Frame a we approach to the conflict instead of an I or you approach
• Ask for their thoughts and ideas for resolution and listen without
interruption

STAYING IN THE COMFORT ZONES

As illustrated in this chapter, much of the tension and conflict we ex-
perience with others is a result of a naïve and misdirected focus—we focus
on what happened instead of why it happened. When we look below the sur-
face of people’s actions and reactions, we see deep-seated personality pat-
terns. Learning to recognize these personality tendencies gives us a great
deal of leverage in placating and resolving conflict situations.
The emotionally intelligent sales professional recognizes that each per-
sonality has an idiosyncratic comfort zone and that there will be conflict
when those zones of comfort are violated. With such recognition comes
opportunity. The opportunities are for us to demonstrate that we under-
stand our clients’ specific needs for security and to demonstrate our own
flexibility to meet them at their point of comfort.

SELLING WITH EQ
• Throttle back your conflict impulses to squelch the conflict.
• Pay attention to personality quirks, especially in conflict.
• Take the high road and appeal to people’s better instincts in conflict
scenarios.
 26
C H A P T E R T W E N T Y- S I X

NEGOTIATING EMOTION
“The role of emotion or feeling, either positive or negative,

r e m a i n s o n e o f t h e l e a s t s t u d i e d a r e a s o f n e g o t i a t i o n .”

— M A X B A Z E R M A N A N D M A R G A R E T N E A L E , Negotiating Rationally

“ I f y o u d o n ’ t k n o w w h a t y o u w a n t , y o u m i g h t n o t g e t i t .”

—YOGI BERRA

The Principles of Emotional Intelligence

• We all bring a personalized style to negotiations based on individual
emotional comfort zones.
• Empathy unlocks the motives and comfort zones of those we are ne-
gotiating with.
• The primary consideration when implementing negotiation tactics is
the impact on the relationship.

Negotiation is an area where many of us feel emotionally vulnerable.

We are afraid of being taken advantage of. We are afraid of looking foolish.
We are afraid of selling ourselves short, and we are afraid of an impasse
where nothing at all happens. In their book The Power of Nice, Ronald Shapiro
and Mark Jankowski write that negotiations have been described as, “two
SOBs locked in a room trying to beat the daylights out of each other, and
may the biggest SOB win.” Fred Jandt and Paul Gillette, coauthors of Win-
Win Negotiating: Turning Conflict into Agreement, write, “Any fool can say ‘take
it or leave it,’ and you don’t have to be much smarter to say, ‘Let’s split the
difference.’ What separates the professional negotiator from the amateur—
or from the nonnegotiator—is the professional’s ability to find creative solu-

231
232 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

tions that help all parties obtain their interests.” This level of skill requires
both tactical savvy and emotional intelligence.
Shapiro and Jankowski write, “Despite all the clinical, logical, rational,
psychological, data-sifting analysis, graphs, pie charts, methods, and tech-
niques from MBAs, CPAs, CEOs, shrinks, mediators, mediums, gurus, and
astrologers, negotiation is not a science.”
Negotiation is an art form where emotional reconnaissance and emo-
tional radar meet tactical excellence. It is an art form where one is constantly
swaying in the conundrum between self-interest and empathy, self-preservation
and compromise, and self-absorption and emotional awareness.
G. Richard Shell, director of the Wharton Executive Negotiation Work-
shop and author of Bargaining for Advantage: Negotiation Strategies for Reason-
able People, asserts six foundations for effective negotiation.

1. Your bargaining style

2. Your goals and expectations
3. Authoritative standards and norms
4. Relationships
5. Other people’s interests
6. Leverage

I would classify three of these categories as tactical in nature (two, three,

and six) and the other three as emotional intelligence issues (one, four, and
five). Being aware of your bargaining style is as much an emotional awareness
issue as being aware of your personality DNA. Relationships are an emotional
rapport issue, while the other party’s interest is an empathy issue.
In this chapter, I discuss the process of negotiation and its intercourse
with emotion. The emotionally intelligent negotiator—aware that the other
party must walk away with a good feeling if there is to be any hope of future
collaboration—will address the awareness, empathy, and rapport issues in
every negotiation.

NEGOTIATION AWARENESS—“GAME ON!”

Shortsighted negotiators view negotiations as a winner takes all contest,
where they are willing to make only insignificant or phantom concessions.
They show up with a take it or leave it attitude with little regard for the
emotional consequences of their tactics. Many negotiators know only this
hard-driving, adrenaline-charged win/lose approach.
 Negotiating Emotion 233

On the other side of the equation are those individuals who hate con-
frontation and disagreements and are haunted by the sound of silent ten-
sion. These individuals often easily capitulate, overpromise, or altogether
avoid the negotiation process. They do not like being put in a place where
they have to negotiate.
Most people assume that they are not very good negotiators and feel a
tinge of envy for those who are. Some people, even when they learn all the
tactical tricks of negotiation, will still buckle under the emotional tension
and overconcede their position. People are basically afraid of losing, and
they view negotiations as an opportunity to lose rather than as an opportu-
nity to gain.

MINI-MAX MODEL
One way to help gain your emotional balance in the negotiation process
is to walk yourself through the mini-max model of negotiation preparation.
This approach helps you sort out the emotional smog that can blur your
thinking in a tense negotiation. While you do not want the other party to
get everything, you do want them to walk away satisfied. You do not want to
appear avaricious, but neither do you want to be exploited. Here are the
mini-max questions you need to settle up front for your own emotional
equanimity.

• What is the minimum that I can accept (without feeling regret and
anger)?
• What is the maximum that I can ask for without getting laughed out
of the room (without feeling embarrassment and shame)?
• What is the maximum that I can give away (without feeling exploited)?
• What is the least I can offer without getting laughed out of the room
(without feeling greedy or usurious)?

EMOTIONAL TRICKERY
Before walking into any negotiation, it is important to be aware of the
tactics, tricks, and techniques that more skilled negotiators will use to throw
you off your game. These individuals treat negotiation as a contact sport
and love it simply for the gamesmanship opportunity. Two specific as-
sumptions you want to be especially careful about are:
234 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

1. They will be reasonable and do what you would do given their

situation.
2. Their values are the same as yours (they may live by a radically di-
vergent set of rules than you).

Be especially wary of the use of emotion in the negotiating process.

Some negotiators will act like the teenager who uses melodrama to manip-
ulate. Shapiro and Jankowski put it this way, “When the other side gets emo-
tional, see their use of emotion for what it may well be: a negotiation play
or tactic. It is simply a device to elicit a particular reaction from you, just as
an opening low bid is meant to get you to drop your high asking price and
eventually meet somewhere in the middle.”
These authors warn to not regard emotional attacks as personal con-
demnations but as negotiation tactics meant to throw you off your game.
You must possess discipline in that moment to neutralize the emotional re-
sponse with the unemotional response, and the personal attack with the
impersonal response. You can counteract negative emotional ploys with
these responses.

• When they use anger, calmly ask why they are angry.
• When they act insulted, ask what kind of offer would not be insulting.
• When they use guilt, continue to focus on the issues.
• When they express exasperation, express understanding.
• When they use false flattery, offer thanks and bring focus back to the
negotiation.

NEGOTIATION STYLE
People bring their own individual style and emotional comfort level to
the negotiation process. One can make immediate parallels with the TEAM
Dynamics personality profile (refer to Chapters 2 and 3) and a person’s
style in a negotiating scenario. Some of the most obvious personality ten-
dencies in negotiations are as follows.

• Togetherness Personality. These individuals will be uncomfortable with

tension in relationships and may overcompromise to preserve rela-
tionships. They are seen as easy negotiating prey by aggressive Enter-
prisers because of their inability to say no.
• Enterpriser Personality. These individuals are competitive and aggressive
in their approach to negotiation. They are not averse to confronta-
tion. They tend to drive to the bottom line as quickly as possible, and
 Negotiating Emotion 235

because of their impatience, they may cave in on issues if the process

drags on too long.
• Analyzer Personality. These individuals are rigid in their approach to
negotiation. They have difficulty compromising on points. They re-
search issues carefully and tend to bring an officious, agenda-driven,
impersonal approach to the negotiation process.
• Motivator Personality. These individuals attempt to use their persuasion
abilities and powers of charm to get their way in negotiation. If they
meet an impasse (such as tension) in their negotiations, they tend to
avoid the process, as they are not comfortable in hostile/disagreeing
environments.

To characterize your pattern in negotiating specifically, I have devel-

oped a profile based on the dynamics of negotiating called the DEAL
Dynamics Awareness Profile. Fill out the profile in Figure 26.1 to discover
the style(s) you bring to the negotiation process. Then graph your results
in Figure 26.2.
Following are the characterizations and brief descriptors adapted in
The DEAL Dynamics profile.

• Dominating (wants to win/hates to lose). These individuals view ne-

gotiation as a contest of wills. They seek strategies to outfox their
opponents.
• Equalizing (works hard to get equal agreement and satisfaction for both par-
ties). These individuals look for equity. They are satisfied when both
parties walk away happy.
• Acquiescing (uncomfortable with the negotiation process). These individu-
als desire an easy and personable resolution. They are quick to com-
promise to save the relationship from any strain.
• Laissez-faire (avoids the situation when tension or disagreement enters the
process). These individuals prefer a hands-off style—not that they do
not care, but they just do not want to confront a tense situation.
They may insert someone else into the process to gain advantage of
the situation.

As with all areas of emotional awareness, developing an understanding

of our personal tendencies in negotiation will help us to become better ob-
servers within the process. We will improve at figuring out and predicting
the other party’s tendencies and emotional logic as well as our own ten-
dencies and reactions. We all have varying emotional comfort zones that
are acutely defined in a process with something tangible to lose and some-
thing significant to gain.
236 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

FIGURE 26.1 DEAL Dynamics Awareness Profile

Directions: Place the appropriate number next to each descriptive phrase.

1 2 3 4

Least Most

D ____ If I know I’m right, I won’t back down. D ____ I can smell weakness a mile away.
E ____ I want to understand the other party’s E ____ I want both parties to walk away
objectives clearly. winners.
A ____ Halfway between us is the right A ____ At times, I compromise more than I
solution. should.
L ____ I want others to feel comfortable L ____ Sometimes I give in to avoid tension.
around me.
D ____ I’m perfectly willing to walk if I don’t
D ____ I can usually get the deal I want. get the deal I want.
E ____ I’m not averse to addressing E ____ I don’t expect everyone to be
disagreements. reasonable in negotiations.
A ____ I believe it’s all about give and take. A ____ I’ll make concessions to get the deal
L ____ I just want to get the process over done.
with. L ____ I struggle with forceful, demanding
personalities.
D ____ I don’t mind telling people exactly
where I stand. D ____ I use logic to get what I want.
E ____ I look at confrontations as challenges. E ____ I deal in a straightforward way.
A ____ There is sensible middle ground A ____ I believe if we both give a little, we’ll
between every opinion. both get a little.
L ____ I cannot stand confrontations. L ____ I get upset when people start playing
games.
D ____ I do my best to make a good case for
myself. D ____ I just love to get deals done.
E ____ I work hard at understanding the other E ____ I want to know all I can about their
party’s needs. goals, limitations.
A ____ Sometimes what I want must defer to A ____ I’ll relax my demands to get
what others need. agreement.
L ____ Some things work themselves out L ____ If I can’t agree, I just walk away for a
when left alone. while.

D ____ It’s all about the winning. D ____ I use a logical and persuasive
E ____ It’s about making sure everyone gets approach.
the payoff they want. E ____ The earlier I identify conflicts, the
A ____ It’s all about being fair. better.
L ____ It’s all about people getting along. A ____ I want the other party to feel good
about dealing with me.
L ____ I try to avoid sore spots in a
negotiation.

Add up totals for each and record in the box below.

TOTALS: D= E= A= L=
 Negotiating Emotion 237

FIGURE 26.2 DEAL Dynamics Awareness Profile Graph

Directions: Mark your D total on the Dominator line, E total on the Equalizer line, A total on
the Appeaser line, and L total on the Laissez-Faire line. Draw a line to connect the dots. On
the bottom, write your highest score (the letter or name) next to the leading role, your second
highest letter next to the supporting role, and your lowest total next to the villain role.
48
47
46
45
44
43
42
41
40
39
38
37
36
35
34
33
32
31
30
29
28
27
26
25
24
23
22
21
20
19
18
17
16
15
14
13
12

Dominator Equalizer Appeaser Laissez-Faire

(D TOTAL) (E TOTAL) (A TOTAL) (L TOTAL)
Leading Role: ____________ Support Role:____________ Villain Role: _____________
238 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

EMPATHY IN NEGOTIATION

“When I am getting ready to speak with a man, I spend one-third of

my time thinking about myself and what I am going to say, and

t w o - t h i r d s t h i n k i n g a b o u t h i m a n d w h a t h e i s g o i n g t o s a y .”

—ABRAHAM LINCOLN

“Whenever two people meet, there are six people present. There

is each man as he sees himself, each man as the other

p e r s o n s e e s h i m , a n d e a c h m a n a s h e r e a l l y i s .”

—WILLIAM JAMES

Individuals often carry hidden agendas into the negotiation process.

There are the issues they tell you that matter, and there are the tacit issues
that really matter. In my negotiations with a large national firm, I offered to
give them the price they wanted, but I retained control of the process. While
they never actually came out and said that they like to have total, in-house
control over all processes, that attitude was implied in our conversations.
I was later able to get a higher price for my products when I agreed to
grant them total control over the process, which is what they wanted all
along (though it was not brought up as a focal point in the negotiation).
The only way to detect the pivotal points that define winning or losing in
negotiation is by having our emotional radar tuned in to tone and nonver-
bal responses—by asking good questions and listening with vigilance.
Many of us in the sales profession are, by nature, not very good listen-
ers. We like to talk. Often we simply like to hear the sound of our voices
waxing eloquent over some point, telling some story, or opining about a
matter. Consequently, many of us have failed to nurture good listening
habits and are chronic interrupters. We just have to speak our piece and
cannot wait to hear out the other party.
If we do not let the other party completely finish their thoughts or if
we respond in mid paragraph, however, we may lose the opportunity to
learn something that could be valuable. They may have been ready to re-
veal something about their agenda, their emotions, or their needs—but we
just cut them off. Valuable, critical information has just been lost, just as if
it had been run through a shredder. Yet it was our impertinence that did
the shredding.
If we overcommit to convincing our opponents to concede on our pet
points, we fail to pick up telling nonverbal and tonal clues—responses where
words don’t match tone and body language—and further cement their
 Negotiating Emotion 239

resolve on their pet points. Most see negotiating as an opportunity to con-

vince others and, consequently, talk more than necessary or prudent.
Instead of listening, we are thinking of what we are going to say next. Yet
empathy with the other party’s point of view will hasten the resolution.
By clamping our mouths shut and allowing the other party to talk, we
can pick up valuable pieces of emotional information, such as:

• Their comfort levels

• Their negotiating style
• Their mini-max limits
• Their perceptions of us

We learn none of these lessons while our mouths are moving. By lis-
tening, we learn to empathize with the issues that are important to the
other party. This information may end up being your most valuable asset in
getting negotiations done.
Max Bazerman and Margaret Neale, in Negotiating Rationally, write, “We
have found that managers who take into account the other side’s perspec-
tive are most successful in negotiation simulations. This focus allows them
to better predict the opponent’s behavior. Most people have a hard time
thinking this way. Overall, executives in a negotiation tend to act as if their
opponents are inactive and ignore the valuable information that can be
learned by thinking about the other side’s decisions.”
By focusing on empathy, we learn the material and emotional issues
that matter most to the party we are negotiating with. Maybe they are stuck
on a point, not for material reasons, but because if they concede they will
lose face with a superior. They may need a concession somewhere else to
make this palatable. These valuable insights come through focused listen-
ing and the emotional radar of empathy.

EARNING RESPECT
“I was negotiating a contract with one of my top accounts, when
the party I was negotiating with starting talking about what a pain
in the butt another consultant was in their most recent negotiation.
I just sat back and learned as they revealed how this person had
taken a hard-core stance with no bend and had assumed an adver-
sarial posture. They admitted that the consultant had gotten the bet-
ter of them in the negotiation, but also confessed that they ‘would
dump him as soon as they could’ because of the way he approached
the process. It made me feel much better about my long-term rela-
240 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

tional approach and the importance of maintaining rapport

through the negotiation process.” —Andrew A., Consultant

Some people instantly think of confrontation when they think of ne-

gotiation. This posture diminishes any hope for rapport. These people are
typically the dominator types, whose fatal flaw is underestimating the ne-
cessity of allowing the other party’s ego and reputation to remain intact
throughout the negotiation process.
For a negotiation to be successful, both sides need to get something
they want both in material terms and emotional terms. Before entering a
negotiation, it is helpful to answer the following questions.

• What am I trying to achieve?

• What kind of emotional environment do I want to create?
• What are they trying to achieve?
• What are the emotional payoffs they need?
• What problems are likely to arise?
• How will I approach these potential problems?

Negotiation tactics that fail to address the emotions of the other party
are risky and sabotage the possibility of a long-term relationship. I once
read a story about famed entrepreneur Wayne Huizenga. He liked to save
a surprise request for the close of a negotiation. He supposedly would use
this tactic knowing the other party was feeling a deal was close and would
not want to jeopardize it by saying no. Using this sort of tactic may work,
but it may also leave the other party feeling angry, manipulated, and ex-
ploited. Unless you have no need for future rapport, such a tactic should
be avoided.

EMOTIONAL WISDOM
David Augsburger, author of When Caring Is Not Enough—Resolving Con-
flicts through Fair Fighting, wrote, “Maturity is knowing both how and when
to yield, and where and why to stand firm. Never yielding and always yield-
ing are both evils in human relationships.” Emotional intelligence is re-
garded as wisdom when practiced in potentially contentious scenarios.
It takes not only wisdom but also persistence to work through a partic-
ularly tough negotiation. Effective negotiators do not try to win by upping
the ante of anxiety but by affirming a foundation of confidence in their rela-
tionships with the other parties. By demonstrating genuine concern toward
the other party, we raise their confidence in us. As a result, their needs—
 Negotiating Emotion 241

as well as our own needs—will be met in the process. When negotiations get
tough, you must prove this desire. In Augsberger’s words, “Presence, not ab-
sence, is the real source of power. And an act of the will is the answer—I will
work through until we break through. I’m here to stay.”

SELLING WITH EQ
• Keep your eyes wide open to games, tactics, and maneuvers in the
negotiation process.
• Never lose sight of the relational consequences in a negotiation.
• Know your negotiating style and tendencies as well as those of the
person with whom you are negotiating.
 27
C H A P T E R T W E N T Y- S E V E N

SEVEN HABITS OF THE

EMOTIONALLY COMPETENT
“Do not wait for extraordinar y circumstances to do good;

t r y t o u s e o r d i n a r y s i t u a t i o n s .”

— J E A N PA U L R I C H T E R

“There is a proper dignity and propor tion to be obser ved

i n t h e p e r f o r m a n c e o f e v e r y a c t o f l i f e .”

—MARCUS AURELIUS ANTONINUS

The Principles of Emotional Intelligence

• Individuals with high EQs place the emotional impact of their words
and actions at the forefront.
• An individual’s tone defines the emotional current for the message
that is spoken.
• Emotionally intelligent individuals carefully rehearse the responses
they utilize in emotionally charged or negative situations.
• The emotionally intelligent individual pursues personal growth as an
end, not a means.

A man was riding in a train and saw another man eat a herring
and put the head of the fish in his pocket. He asked the man why
he did this.
The other fellow replied, “The head is the most valuable part
of the fish—it’s where the brain is. If you eat the head, it will make
you smarter. I take them home and feed them to my children.”
The man asked how much this fellow wanted for the head of
the fish.

242
 Seven Habits of the Emotionally Competent 243

He replied, “One dollar.”

So the man bought the head of the fish and ate it. After a few
minutes had passed he became angry and said, “Wait a minute, I
could have bought the whole fish for less than that!”
“See,” the other fellow said, “it’s working. You’re smarter
already.”

I am grateful to people like Daniel Goleman (author of Emotional Intel-

ligence) and Howard Gardner (author of the “multiple intelligence” theory),
who have provided a great service to our society by expanding the definition
of smart. In particular, Goleman’s work on emotional intelligence has
opened an awareness that most have understood intuitively but have had
trouble articulating—that possessing a high IQ does not necessarily make
an individual smart. In fact, some people with genius cerebral capabilities
seem to severely lack limbic functions such as awareness, empathy, etc.
Some individuals can be typed as simultaneously smart and stupid, depend-
ing on the section of brain activity.
Individuals who allow their facility with numbers and logic to lead them
into pomposity and emotionally abusive personalities are in fact fools—maybe
the greatest fools—because their abrasive manners cause those they meet to
want to ignore their intellectual gifts.
Recently I heard a sportswriter talking on the radio about a well-known
golf professional who has a reputation for being highly charismatic and
dynamic with crowds. He is known as a crowd pleaser. This writer com-
mented on how dazzling this man’s personality was in the press conference
with his use of witticisms and colorful commentary. He quickly added, “But
in person, one on one, he is an absolute jerk, as rude and dismissive a per-
son as you will ever find. I wouldn’t give a plugged nickel to sit down with
this guy, given what I’ve seen of his real side.”
The litmus test of our emotional intelligence is how we handle the lit-
tle matters and the isolated incident. Anyone can turn on the charm for
public display. That doesn’t require EQ, it requires showmanship. How we
handle small tensions, little problems, and private conversations defines
our emotional intelligence. People are taking emotional notes on how we
treat them, how high of an opinion we seem to have of ourselves, and how
we respond to annoyances, slights, and tension. Our emotional intelligence
can be put to the test in almost any conversation.
In this closing chapter, I want to summarize with an evaluation of the
responses and communication skills practiced by those who possess emo-
tional intelligence—not just in word but in tone as well. In Figure 27.1,
emotionally intelligent responses and behaviors are contrasted with low EQ
responses. While by no means a comprehensive list of EQ competencies,
244 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

FIGURE 27.1 Evaluate Your EQ

Directions: Rate your EQ in each of the sections below.

Signs of a Low EQ Signs of a High EQ Rating

1. Can tell the details and thoughts of Expresses feelings clearly and directly. 1 2 3
an event, but cannot tell feelings Struggle Back and Consistent
with Forth Pattern
about it; becomes flustered when This for Me
articulating emotions.

2. Is insecure and defensive and finds Is not afraid to express insecurities 1 2 3

it hard to admit mistakes, express and fears. Struggle Back and Consistent
with Forth Pattern
remorse, or apologize sincerely. This for Me

3. Cannot or does not want to interpret Is able to read nonverbal 1 2 3

signals of emotional discomfort in communication. Struggle Back and Consistent
with Forth Pattern
others (are bullish with their agendas). This for Me

4. Lets things build up and then Is able to articulate frustrations without 1 2 3

overreacts to something relatively offending other party. Struggle Back and Consistent
with Forth Pattern
minor. This for Me

5. Attacks, blames, commands, Takes ownership of own fears, 1 2 3

criticizes, and judges others. anxieties, and insecurities. Struggle Back and Consistent
with Forth Pattern
This for Me

6. Is a poor listener, interrupts, Is interested in the fears, concerns, 1 2 3

invalidates. and ideas of others. Struggle Back and Consistent
with Forth Pattern
This for Me

7. Misses the emotions being Reads between the lines of 1 2 3

communicated; focuses on facts, communication for motive or controlling Struggle Back and Consistent
with Forth Pattern
rather than feelings. emotion. This for Me

8. Uses intellect to judge and criticize Is cautious and tactful in giving 1 2 3

others without realizing they are feedback. Struggle Back and Consistent
with Forth Pattern
feeling superior, judgmental, and This for Me
critical, and without awareness of how
their actions impact others’ feelings.

9. Locks self into courses of action Balances feelings with reason, logic, 1 2 3
against common sense. and reality. Struggle Back and Consistent
with Forth Pattern
This for Me

10. Is easily manipulated into action by Is independent, self-reliant, and 1 2 3

use of guilt or coercion. morally autonomous; acts out of Struggle Back and Consistent
with Forth Pattern
desire, not because of duty, guilt, force, This for Me
or obligation.

11. Views failure as an affirmation of Is optimistic; does not internalize 1 2 3

personal inadequacy. failure. Struggle Back and Consistent
with Forth Pattern
This for Me
 Seven Habits of the Emotionally Competent 245

this chart may be useful in helping you identify some specific areas of needed
development within yourself.
These categories of emotional intelligence may also help explain why
some people are such a frustration to you (at the emotional level). For
some reason, when we can categorize or label the issue, we seem to have an
easier time coping with it. Look at others only after you have taken an hon-
est assessment of yourself. Which came first? The chicken or the egg? Are
some people responding to me negatively because they lack EQ or because
I’m sending the wrong emotional signals? To point fingers at the other
party’s issue before taking honest assessment of our own communication
habits and patterns would indicate a lack of awareness. A lack of personal
awareness leads to a critical spirit and, ultimately, duplicity—which was the
point of Jesus’ teaching of removing the log from your own eye before tak-
ing the splinter out of your neighbor’s eye.
The terms low EQ and high EQ are not permanent labels, because EQ is
not a static state like IQ. Instead, EQ is a dynamic state (demonstrated by
the fact that many of us gave ourselves a 2 in many of the areas listed in
Figure 27.1). This means that we bounce back and forth between low and
high EQ in our responses to situations and people, depending on our emo-
tional state at the time. The fact that EQ is a dynamic state should give us
all hope for practicing higher levels of EQ in our communication. Awareness
is the key to correcting our deficiencies.
Most people find strength in some areas, weakness in others, and vac-
illation in others. Often the demonstration of high EQ communication
skills hinges on our emotional vulnerability at the moment. For instance, I
may not be as cautious and tactful in giving feedback if I am under the
stress of a deadline. This is why it is important to be honest with the above
appraisal. For example, if I tell myself I am strong in an area where, in fact,
I often offend, I only succeed in deluding myself and prolonging the pat-
tern. Honesty with oneself is the anchor for awareness. On the other hand,
if I am aware of the fact that when I am under a deadline, I tend to respond
with a low level of EQ, that very awareness will act as the emotional border
patrol the next time the situation arises.

CREATURES OF HABIT

“The chains of habit are too light to be noticed

u n t i l t h e y a r e t o o h e a v y t o b e r e m o v e d .”

— WA R R E N B U F F E T T
246 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

“Ever since I was a kid, I’ve had the habit of bullying people
around. I’ve tried hard to rein in this pattern, because I’ve paid a
price for it. But when I find myself under stress or strain, that pushy,
abrasive voice seems to come flying out of my mouth before I can
catch it. I immediately see in the eyes of my people that, although
they are compliant with my directions, they resent my manner. It
annoys me that I don’t exercise more control with this pattern.”
—Randy, Director of Sales

Each day offers manifold opportunities for practicing emotionally in-

telligent responses. Chances are good that, at some time during this day,
you will be confronted with tension, stress, or negativity in a conversation.
You will encounter an opportunity to offer feedback to another person’s
complaint. Take the conversational quiz in Figure 27.2 and write a response
for each scenario that demonstrates tact and emotional consideration and
awareness.
The two basic premises for emotionally intelligent communication habits
that arise from this chart are:

1. Don’t tell other people how to feel. Let them tell you.
2. Take ownership for how you feel. Don’t blame anyone or anything.

DON’T TELL ME HOW I FEEL

A statement as innocuous as “You’re really going to love this” may of-
fend the party you are dealing with (an exception is the person you know
like the back of your hand). A safer approach would be, “I thought you
might like this idea, so I’d like to run it past you for your opinion.” People
bridle against others weighing in for them on opinions, likes, and dislikes.
It is always safer to ask than to assume.
A tendency in strong and forceful personalities is to offer unsolicited
advice. When people are told what to do, they often respond emotionally
like a rebellious teenager (even if the advice is right on). In this case, the
advice is not a hindrance but rather the manner in which it is delivered. It
is always safer to use the Socratic method—asking questions that lead the
individuals to discover the advice for themselves.
It is uncomfortable to be around a person who is venting negative emo-
tions, because we feel we are being saturated with negativity while listening.
Consequently, we often try to turn off the gushing fire hydrant with a big
wrench that says, “Get a hold of yourself!” or “That’s ridiculous.” This sort
of response tells people how they should feel about their predicament,
which is of no value to them. Responding in such a manner is only for our
 Seven Habits of the Emotionally Competent 247

FIGURE 27.2 Seven Habits of the Emotionally Competent

Seven Habits of People with High EQ Example Demonstrating High EQ

1. Label your feelings rather than labeling Instead of “This is ridiculous,” you could say,
people or situations. “I get impatient in these situations.”

2. Consider the feelings of others when you Instead of “I don’t think you know what
are sharing your thoughts. you’re doing,” you could say, “Have you
thought about doing this?” or “I feel like we
may be missing the mark here” or “This is a
good start, what else can we do?”

3. Take responsibility for your own feelings. Instead of “You make me mad,” you could
say, “I’m feeling angry, upset, etc.”

4. Show respect for other people’s feelings, Instead of “This is great, isn’t it?” you could
thoughts, and opinions. say, “How do you feel about this?”

5. Validate other people’s feelings and fears. Instead of “Don’t worry about it” or “You
shouldn’t be upset,” you could say, “Why are
you so upset?” or “What are you afraid will
happen?”

6. Practice getting a positive value from Instead of “Get over it” or “Get control of
their negative emotions. yourself,” you could say, “What can you do
to feel better about this?” or “How do we
move forward from here?”

7. Don’t advise, command, control, criticize, Instead of “You need to _________,” you
judge, or lecture others (rule of thumb: could say, “Do you think _________ would
ask, don’t tell). be helpful?” or “How do you feel about
___________ as a solution?”

own comfort and adds one more layer of frustration to the individual who
is already bound and gagged with emotion. When we are confronted with
over-the-top emotions, our safest route is to maintain a calm tone and ask
a question such as, “What has caused you to be upset?” or “What are you
afraid of?” Most people, when they describe their dilemmas, will begin to
talk themselves down as the tidal wave of stress hormones ebbs out.
248 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR

OWN FEELINGS
When faced with negativity or emotional turmoil, we have the choice
either to transmit or transcend our frustrations. When we fail to accept re-
sponsibility for our emotional reactions, we become transmitters and send
the negative emotions (which are like viruses) to everyone we come in con-
tact with. This is an area of EQ that many of us struggle with, because we
can find plentiful reasons to justify our anger with another person’s ac-
tions. This rationale, in our minds, then becomes a justification for nega-
tive behavior. “You’d be mad, too, if this had happened to you!”
Sooner or later we must confront the psychospiritual fact that acid eats
away at its container and that we are harming our own emotional state by
failing to forgive offense. Individuals who have not learned to respond with
grace and understanding when offended become perpetual transmitters of
their own personal frustration levels. This is what is meant by having a chip
on the shoulder when referring to the individual who carries grudges.
While talking out your frustration with a trusted friend has therapeu-
tic value, there is no value in talking it out with everyone who will listen.
This beating a horse to death is nothing more than an exercise in vain
self-justification. We continue to tell the story to make ourselves appear the
hero (or victim).
The value in talking it out with a trusted friend or advisor is for emo-
tional release and clarification. Some offenses will grow within us like a nest
of termites, and we can feel them chewing away at our insides until we talk
it out with someone. I know when I find myself in situations where I am
wanting to blame someone else for my negative emotional state, that reso-
lution comes only when I either just let it go or talk it over with someone—
and then let it go.
Those who fail to take responsibility for their emotional states go into
a relational sinkhole, and soon people start avoiding conversations for fear
of being dragged down with them. These scenarios, where we are unjustly
offended, may be the most challenging for our EQ, because both the of-
fended emotion and the litigating logic have formed a tandem that can tie
us up in knots if we fail to recognize it.

TONE-DEAF
How our efforts at communication are received have far more to do
with tone than they do with content. Yet people often forge ahead with
 Seven Habits of the Emotionally Competent 249

sending messages without paying attention to the climate in which they are
delivering the message. It is kind of like standing outside and trying to have
a conversation with someone during a hailstorm. They are going to be much
more concerned with getting to safety than they are in listening to what you
have to say. When we speak to people in condescending, patronizing, de-
fensive, whining, austere, pessimistic, or otherwise negative tones, we gen-
erate a hailstorm in the limbic side of their brains, and they can barely focus
on what we are saying. They are moving toward a state of self-preservation
as soon as they pick up on the negative tone.
How aware are you of the offensive tones you deliver when you are
stressed or upset? It takes maturity to want awareness in this area of EQ. I re-
member well the time I garnered the courage to ask my wife to critique the
tones I use when I am in a negative emotional state (she didn’t have to stop
and think about it). She tactfully informed me that when I was upset, I used
a condescending tone, which would deteriorate into a sarcastic tone, which
would then cause so much offense that anything I said at that point was fu-
tile. She told me I had a tendency to “talk down” to people when upset.
This was not a pleasant message to hear, yet the awareness was a criti-
cal piece for my EQ development. I often catch myself slipping back into
this pattern—and when I do, I am grateful for my wife’s input. I remember
wondering, after my wife informed me of this tonal flaw, about how many
times I had offended her in this way and how many other people I had turned
off with this poor habit.
Take inventory of your own tonal habits. Your tone is the current in
which your message travels. Your tone can create a current like a gently flow-
ing stream or a raging flood (or any current that falls between those two ex-
tremes). Even if you think you are aware of how your tone brings offense,
ask someone who knows you well for input. They may bring a habit to light
that surprises you. Are you susceptible to tones that are:

• Defensive • Hostile
• Complaining • Bitter
• Condescending • Cynical
• Arrogant • Pessimistic
• Flippant • Hopeless
• Disrespectful • Over the top or sappy
• Impatient • Overly familiar
• Agitated • Obnoxious
• Bored • Haranguing

The list of potential tonal offenses is endless, as are the opportunities

to offend. One of the great deterrents practiced by the emotionally intelli-
250 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

gent is awareness of and restraint within the tone. Rehearse your tone be-
fore you formulate your message. We have the power to create a favorable
climate for the delivery of our messages.

GROWING FORWARD
Like any goal in life, the development of emotional intelligence hinges
on committing to an agenda that will produce the desired result. The ques-
tion is, “What are the fundamental components that constitute an EQ
growth agenda?” Authors Karen Stone and Harold Dillehunt offer such an
agenda in their book Self Science: The Subject Is Me. Following are the main
components of self science.

• Self-awareness. Observing yourself and recognizing your feelings;

building a vocabulary for feelings; knowing the relationship between
thoughts, feelings, and reactions.
• Personal decision making. Examining your actions and knowing their
consequences; knowing if a thought or feeling is ruling a decision;
applying these insights to deeply intimate issues.
• Managing feelings. Monitoring “self talk” to catch negative messages
such as internal put-downs; realizing what is behind a feeling (e.g.,
the hurt that underlies anger); finding ways to handle fears and anx-
ieties, anger, and sadness.
• Handling stress. Learning the value of exercise, relaxation, and distrac-
tion in managing stressful situations.
• Empathy. Understanding the feelings, concerns, and perspectives of
others; appreciating the differences in how people feel about things.
• Communication. Talking about feelings effectively; developing listen-
ing and inquiry skills; distinguishing between what a person does or
says and your own emotional reactions to that action; communicat-
ing your own feelings as opposed to sending blame.
• Self-disclosure. Valuing openness and the building of trust in a rela-
tionship; knowing when and how much to disclose about your pri-
vate thoughts and feelings.
• Insight. Recognizing patterns in your emotional life and reactions;
identifying similar patterns in others.
• Self-acceptance. Feeling a sense of dignity and healthy pride and view-
ing yourself in a healthy light; being able to recognize your strengths
and weaknesses; being secure enough to laugh at yourself.
• Personal responsibility. Recognizing the consequences of your deci-
sions and actions at the emotional and circumstantial levels; accept-
 Seven Habits of the Emotionally Competent 251

ing your feelings and moods as your responsibility; following through

on commitments.
• Assertiveness. Being able to state your feelings, concerns, and opin-
ions without anger, hostility, or passivity.
• Group dynamics. Cooperation and teamwork; knowing how and when
to lead or to follow.
• Conflict resolution. Knowing how to fight fair; being able to disagree
agreeably; using a win-win negotiating approach.

In large part, emotional intelligence is the result of self-discipline in an

arena where we are fighting the raging bulls within ourselves. Positive intent
can lead to practiced responses. Practiced responses can lead to behavior
habits. Habits, as we all know, ultimately lead to what we call character—
and our character defines our destinies.
At the end of every discussion about others, we assess those individuals
on the basis of the emotional intelligence they display. We would all love to
be thought of as smart or talented, industrious, or even unique, but, ulti-
mately, we want to be thought of with affection. I once heard someone de-
scribe their friendship with a well-known individual in the following way,
“As gifted as she is at what she does, she is equally as good as a human
being.” I remember thinking to myself, “That is the ultimate compliment.
I could strive for no better than that.”
I suspect that behind such a profound compliment is a human being
who understands and practices emotional intelligence.

For more information on corporate training programs

or Selling with Emotional Intelligence,
visit <www.MitchAnthony.com>
or call 507-282-2723.
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 INDEX

A Attitude
aging and, 91, 94
Accumulation, 118 -behavior-control, 59
Accuracy, 16, 28 of gratitude, 122–23
Acheson, Bill, 149, 150 optimism, 100, 103–4
Achievementality, 41, 52 sales ability and, 101–3
Adams, George Matthew, 135 Augsberger, David, 67, 240, 241
Adaptation to Life (Valiant), 86 Awareness, x, 1–9, 245
Adversity, 108–9, 113–14 ARROW profile, 2–5
Advice, unsolicited, 246 body language and, 147
Aging, 91, 94 developing emotional radar,
Alcholics Anonymous, 59 154–63
Alcoholism, 87 empathy and, 7–8
Amygdala hijack, 55 goals and, 2–5
Analyzer personality, 16, 19, 28–30, identifying stress, 90, 92
156, 161 negotiation and, 232–33
areas of improvement, 29, 30 personal, 5
challenges, 28–30 personality adjustments and, 23
conflict and, 222, 225–26, 229 pushiness and, 209
critical selling adjustments, rapport, building, 8
170–73 resilience, 6–7
negotiation and, 235 restraint, 5–6
strengths, 28, 29 of self, 250
Anger, 54–61 stress and, 63–64, 91
see also Conflict; Confrontation
chill chart, 80, 81 B
containing, 78–82
facial/body language and, 146 Babyak, Michael, 86
physiology of, 64–65 Bazerman, Max, 231, 239
restraint and, 54–61 Bellin, Andy, 154
self-sabotage and, 62–70 Berra, Yogi, 231
venting and, 68–69 Billings, Josh, 164
Anthony, Mark, 49–51, 114–15 Bitterness, 111–12
Anthony, Mitch, 176 Blame, 80–81, 82
Appearances, 37–38 Body language, 7, 145–53, 220
Arrogance, 129–30, 131 Borg, Bjorn, 218
ARROW Borysenko, Joan, 90
profile, 2–5 Bourne, Randolph S., 202
restraint, 60–61 Boyenga, M.V., 10
stress exercise, 90, 92 Brain physiology, 55–58, 76, 145
Assertiveness, 251 Brennan, Peter, 101–3
Assumptions, challenging, 46–47 Brooks, Bobby, 122–23

256
 Index 257

Bryant, Bear, 214 self-deprecating humor and,

Buffett, Warren, 245 216–17
team approach, 215–16
C Control, 118
Core personality, 11
Cacioppo, John, 128 Covey, Steven, 96, 203
Cancer, 89 Critical mass, 36–37, 40
Change, reluctance and, 140–41 applied, 44–53
Chicken Soup for the Soul, 104–5 interviewing for, 51–52
Chill chart, 80, 81 report card, 45
Clarke’s Law of Revolutionary Ideas, Culpability, 80–82
140 Curiosity, 122, 176–84
Client Conversation Profile, 156–58 Curran, Dolores, 85–86
Clients Cynicism, 7, 100, 101
discovering history of, 193–94
questioning, 185–94 D
Cloninger, C. Robert, 87
Closing, 141 DEAL Dynamics Awareness Profile,
Cluckhom, C., 188 235, 236–37
Coachability, 48 Decision-making, 139, 250
Comfort zone, 17 DeMoss, Gary, 204
Communication, 250 Diffusion, 62, 78
body language, 7, 145–53, 220 Dillehunt, Harold, 250
facial/body language and, 145–53 Dimberg, Ulf, 127
listening skills, 180, 238 Dimitrius, Jo-Ellan, 146–47
miscommunication, anger and, 82 Disappointment, 108–9
personality and 12, 19 Discouragement, 107–15
tonal language, 7, 248–50 Distraction, 78, 79
Competencies, building, 42
Competitiveness, 39–41, 40, 52, E
119–21 Egocentric focus, 12
Conflict, 20–21, 221–30 Einstein, Albert, 34, 36
see also Anger Ekman, Paul, 150
comfort zones and, 230 Emerson, Ralph Waldo, 145
empathy and, 221–22 Emotional bank accounts, 203–4, 205,
personality and, 222–23, 227–30 211
perspective and, 223–24 Emotional Intelligence (Goleman), ix, 58,
resolution, 251 74, 126, 128
stress in workplace, 224–26 Emotional quotient, evaluating, 244
unreasonable expectations and, Emotion(s)
227 body responses to disturbing,
Confrontation, 212–20 64–65
see also Anger brain research and, 63
credit and blame, 214–15 changing a negative climate, 131
grace and, 219 emotional agenda, 134
honesty and, 213–14 facial/body language and, 146
humility-based approach to, intentionality and, 127
217–19 managing feelings, 250
relationship priorities, 219–20 mood dance, 127
258 Index

negative, expressing, 73, 78–82 Gratitude, 122–23

negotiation and, 234 Group dynamics, 251
positive intent and, 126–34 Growth, desire for, 122
taking responsibility for, 248 Gurney, Kathleen, 179
viral spiral of, 71–77
Empathy, 7–8, 152, 195–201, 250 H
client values and, 194
conflict resolution and, 221–22 Habits, 242–51
empathy rubic, 183 Halperin, Stephen, 198
negotiation and, 238–39 Halsey, William F., 212
sales presentations and, 189 HALT, 59
self-assessment, 180–82 Handbook of Mental Control, The
Energy, 16, 30 (Zillman), 65
Enterpriser personality, 13, 16, 19, 156, Harvard Medical School study, 91
159–60 Health, stress management and, 86
areas of improvement, 26, Helping People in Crisis and Stress
27–28 (Wright), 83
challenges, 26, 27 Hendricks, Gay, 208
conflict and, 222, 225–26, Hiring process, 37–38
228–29 Holmes, Oliver Wendell, 116
critical selling adjustments, Holtz, Lou, 70
168–70 Honesty, 208–9, 213–14
negotiation and, 234–35 Huizenga, Wayne, 240
resiliency and, 142 Humiliation, fear of, 137
strengths, 25–27 Humility, 217–19
Excellence, desire for, 121–22 Humor, 41–42, 94–95, 216–17
Expectations, 101–3, 227
I
F If Life Is a Game, These Are the Rules
Facial language, 145–53 (Scott), 109
Failure, 41, 108–9, 136–37 Impulsiveness, 31, 55
Fear, 135–37 Insight, 250
Feedback, 79 Intangibles, 34, 37, 39
Feelings, 13 Intentionality, 127, 128, 130, 133
Flexibility, 30 Interview process, 35
Fortgang, Laura Berman, 79 Introspection, 5, 49, 82
Foster, Larry, 34–39, 47 Intuition, 146
Frankl, Victor, 178
Franklin, Benjamin, 62, 219 J–K
Friendships, building, 123–24
Jackson, Phil, 1
Friesen, Wallace, 150
Jaffe, Azriela, 136
James, William, 238
G Jandt, Fred, 231–32
Gardner, Howard, 243 Jankowski, Mark, 231, 234
Gillette, Paul, 231–32 Johnson, Edith, 22
Goals, 124–25 King, Frank, 185
Goleman, Daniel, ix, 55, 57, 58, 71, 74, Kinnick, Niles, 208
85, 126, 128, 243 Koppen, Angie, 42
 Index 259

L Negotiation, 190, 231–41

awareness and, 232–33
Leading role, 17 emotional trickery and, 233–34
Ledoux, Joseph, 55–56 emotional wisdom and, 240–41
Likability, 8, 202–11 empathy and, 238–39
developing, 210–11 foundations for effective, 232
emotional bank accounts, 203–4, respect and, 239–40
205 style, 234–37
emotional time bombs, 207–10 Nonverbal signals, 145–53
good manners, 204, 206–7 Norris, Chuck, 69–70
Lincoln, Abraham, 221, 238
Listening skills, 180, 238
Living Your Best Life: Discover Your Life’s O
Blueprint for Success (Fortgang), Observation, 154–63
79 Optimism, 7, 30, 97–106
attitude and, 100, 103–4
M expectations, 101–3
McKay, David O., 200 mental barriers to, 104
McMillen, S. I., 62 reacting to discouragement with,
Marcus Aurelius Antoninus, 242 98, 109–11
Microexpression, 151 self-saboteurs, 104–6
Mikez, Steve, 201
Minding the Body, Mending the Mind P
(Borysenko), 90
Paine, Thomas, 126
Motivation, 116–25
Pavlov’s Trout (Quinnet), 143
extrinsic (materialistic)
Peale, Norman Vincent, 99
motivators, 7, 116–18
Peale, Ruth, 99
intrinsic motivators, 7, 119–25
Pearsall, Duane, 133
Motivator personality, 16, 30–32, 156,
People pleasers, 137
162–63
People rules, xi
areas of improvement, 31, 32
Personal awareness, 5
challenges, 31–32
Personality, 22–33
conflict and, 222, 226, 229–30
see also Personality profile; specific
critical selling adjustments,
personality type
173–75
analyzer type, 28–30
negotiation and, 235
centenarian, 91, 94
resiliency and, 142
core, 11
strengths, 30–31
enterpriser type, 25–28
Multitasking, 26
fear or rejection and, 136
Murray, H., 188
motivator type, 30–32
MVP Model, 11
reading and adjusting, 32–33
recognizing style of, 155–63
N stress and, 86–87
Narcissism, 8 togetherness type, 23–25
overcoming. See Curiosity Personality profile
Neale, Margaret, 231, 239 awareness graph, 15
Negative behavior, 129–30 axis, 13, 16
Negotiating Rationally (Bazerman and discovering, 13–15
Neale), 239 leading role, 17
260 Index

polar opposites/conflict origins, Resourcefulness, 39

20–21 Respect, 239–40
predictability and, 18–19 Responsibility
roles defined, 16–18 personal, 250–51
sample patterns, 17 restraint and, 58
supporting role, 18 Restraint, 5–6, 54–61, 64, 74
team dynamic, 12–16 introspection and, 82
villain role, 18 lack of, 71–75
Personal responsibility, 250–51 negative outbursts/containing,
Perspective, 223–24 78–82
Pessimism, 7, 100–101, 106 preparing for restraint exercise,
Peter McLaughlin Co., 94 90, 93
Polar opposites, 20–21 Results, achieving, 13, 16, 25
Post, Robyn, 89 Richter, Jean Paul, 242
Posttraumatic sales syndrome, Roosevelt, Theodore, 202
137–38 Rosenthal, Robert, 152
Power of Nice, The (Shapiro and Rubenstein, Steve, 145
Jankowski), 231 Ryan, Jim, 89
Power of Positive Thinking, The (Peale),
99 S
Precision, 16
Sales presentations, 187–88
Presentations, 164–75, 182, 187–88
Sarcasm, 100
Pressure, 18, 40
Satisfaction filter, x
Professional Work Force Survey, 94
Schweitzer, Albert, 124
Pushiness, 209–10
Scott, Cherie Carter, 109
Screening tests, 35
Q–R Secret Power Within, The (Norris), 70
Questions, 185–94 Self-acceptance, 250
qualitatve discovery, 191 Self-awareness, 250
quantitative discovery, 189–91 Self-centeredness/self-absorption, 178,
Quinnet, Paul, 143 179–80
Rapport, 8 Self-confidence, 40
Rationality, 65–66 Self-control, 60–61. See also Restraint
Reading People (Dimitrius), 146–47 Self-deprecation, 216–17
Recognition, 118 Self-disclosure, 250
Rejection, risking, 135–44 Selflessness, 178, 195–201
analyzing “no,” 138–39 Self Science: The Subject Is Me (Stone and
comfort zones and, 141 Dillehunt), 250
fear and, 136–37 Selling adjustments, 164–75
price objections, 139–40 analyzer personality, 170–73
reluctance to change, 140–41 enterpriser personalities, 168–70
resiliency and, 135–36, 141–43 motivator personality, 173–75
Relaxing, 87 togetherness personality, 165–68
Resiliency, 6–7, 41, 72 Selye, Hans, 83
optimism and, 97–106 Seneca, 54
resilience reactor, 98 Sensitivity, 13, 23, 152–53
risking rejection and, 135–36, Setbacks, 41
141–43 Seven Habits of Highly Effective People
sense of purpose and, 124–25 (Covey), 203
 Index 261

Seven Secrets of the Corporate Mystic Tests, screening, 35

(Hendricks), 208 Thomas, Clarence, 204, 206
Shakespeare, William, 208 Thoreau, Henry David, ix
Shapiro, Ronald, 231, 234 Tice, Diane, 68
Shell, G. Richard, 232 Time management, 50–51
Silver, Margery, 94 Togetherness personality, 13, 23–25
Skepticism, 100, 101 areas for improvement, 24, 25
Smiles, 151–52 challenges, 24–25
Socrates, 74, 195 conflict and, 222, 225–26, 227–28
Spurgeon, Charles H., 44 critical selling adjustments,
Srybnik, Mel, 179 165–68
Stevenson, Robert Louis, 143 negotiation and, 234
Stone, Karen, 250 recognizing, 156, 158–59
Stress, 5, 66, 83–88, 250 strengths, 23–24
confrontation and, 118, 212–20 Tonal language, 7
feeling of helplessness, 89–90 Training process, 35
humor and, 94–95 Truth, 208–9
lack of restraint and, 54–61 Twain, Mark, 159
management, 84, 89–96
self-healing, 85–86 V
sources, identifying, 90, 92,
Valiant, George, 86
224–26
Value, 139–40, 210
supporting role and, 18
Vansickle, John R., 22
susceptible personalities, 86–87
Venting, 68–69, 72
three elements in, 83–84
Villain role, 18
villain role and, 18
Viral spiral, 6, 71–77, 127
Stress and the Healthy Family (Curran),
Voice pattern, 159, 160, 161, 162–63
85
Voice tone, 79, 220, 248–50
Success, 38–42
Vulnerability, 59
achievementality, 41
awareness and, 2
W–Z
competitive drive, 39–41
fear of, 137 Ward, William Arthur, 69
persona of, 38 Weaknesses
teachability, 41 awareness of, 49–51
wit, 41–42 finding/addressing, 48–49
Sullins, Ellin, 127 Wenzel, John, 123
Sullivan, Harry Stack, 67 When Caring Is Not Enough—Resolving
Supporting role, 18 Conflicts through Fair Fighting
(Augsburger), 240
Win-Win Negotiating: Turning Conflict
T
into Agreement (Jandt and Gillette),
Teachability, 34, 41, 46–48, 49, 52 231
TEAM Dynamics, 12–16 Wit, 41–42, 52, 94–95
personality awareness profile, Wooden, John, 5
13–15 Worry, 85
personality axis, 13, 16 Wright, H. Norman, 83–84
Tension, 5, 18 Zillman, Dolf, 65, 75, 79