The Power Principle
The Power Principle
By
Stephen R. Covey and Blaine Lee
A Fireside book by Simon & Schuster 1998
ISBN 0-684-81058-1
Pbk 0-684-84616-0
363 pages
The ability to exercise integrity in the moment of choice, or making decisions based on what is
right, is the essence of Principle-centered power.
YOU
⇓
CHOICE
Powerless Powerful
Powerlessness erodes our self-esteem and our effectiveness in dealing with others.
Early pioneers in America had a strong sense of self-reliance, a different mentality than most
Americans today. They either “fixed it up, wore it out, made do, or did without”. These settlers are
examples of the kind of people we could be if we make the choice to empower ourselves. Once
we expect others to do things for us, we stop searching for ways to do it ourselves. We end up
always trying to justify that everyone else has the power except us.
As we get older, we grow more and more insecure over our ability to influence and have power.
Our self-esteem is eroded slowly over time, perhaps because a recent setback caused us to think
we aren’t that great after all, and maybe we just can’t achieve what we set out to.
Reactions to Disappointment/Failures
If we don’t snap out of it, we could go in a downward spiral
Disappointment
Discouragement
Depression
Despondence
Despair
Defeat
Destruction
The general sense of powerlessness we feel when faced with a particular situation for which
there is no apparent way out comes to a climax in the decision to take one’s own life. Some sort
of loss, maybe a loss of a job, a loved one, a relationship, or a significant loss of status
precipitates this decision. Even a strong fear of impending loss can trigger feelings of
powerlessness.
Seeking out other people is often the key to emerging from a severely depressed state.
Barriers to Power
An example of the Power of the Powerless is the story of a boy named Oliver. Born blind, deaf,
and mute, he was fed, bathed, and cared for lovingly by his family for 32 years. It was this
physically powerless human being that actually had the power to help his able-bodied brother
choose the right woman to marry. Chris De Vinck, the author of this most powerful story, had
brought home a girlfriend to meet his family. When asked if she would like to meet Oliver, the girl
declined. It was the second girl, one with cheerfulness and compassion, who was even delighted
and volunteered to feed Oliver, whom Chris married. The power of the seemingly powerless
Oliver was great in that he could bring out the compassion in others, letting his brother see the
difference in character of the two women.
MADD or Mothers Against Drunk Driving is an organization that was established by Candace
Lightner, a mother of a young girl named Cari who was killed in a drunk driving accident. Instead
of wallowing in self-pity and playing the victim, Candace chose to do something about this
destructive behavior in others, and created a major force which today has national power and
influence. MADD has helped 1,200 drunk-driving laws get enacted, while fatalities from drunk-
driving have diminished markedly, and existing legislation in 47 states has been changed, all
because of one woman’s choice to be powerful, not powerless.
Self-assessment
Below is a brief self-assessment designed to help you determine where you are in your personal
journey to increase your own power. Consider each question carefully. Reflect on your answers
and be honest with yourself.
1. Under what circumstances are you likely to become immobilized by doubt or lack of faith?
2. What triggers this reaction in you? Can you describe your doubts?
3. In these situations, what better alternatives have you not chosen that seem at first
unlikely or improbable?
4. What is one thing you could do that would challenge the irrational thought that the best
thing to do is nothing?
5. Is there another way? What is another alternative?
In a climate of fear, especially in the workplace, coercive power may get the job done, in the
short-term, but in the long-term, losses are greater due to:
• Employees feeling unfairly treated, resulting in office theft, or more sick-outs, cheating the
time clock, and poor quality of work.
• Ideas are not aired for fear of criticism, public humiliation, and thereby suppression of
creativity and innovation
• Fear makes subordinates follow or obey, even if the leader is wrong.
Emotional factors that trigger loss of control, causing us to use force on others:
• Impatience
• Fatigue
• Loneliness
• Anger
• Emotional scripting (or how you were treated as a child)
• Expedience or pressure from a deadline
• Any other approach requires too much effort, time, or patience
• Feels good to control others
• Lack skill, desire, or information needed to do anything else/provide alternative
approaches
• Mental illness
• Hormonal or chemical imbalance
• Substance abuse
• Psychopathology
• Sociopathology
• Lack of hope
• It is the only way
• Ego is threatened
• Insecurity
• Short-term effectiveness
Self-assessment:
As adults we use utility power more commonly than coercive power. Some of the reasons we use
it is it brings results, it’s fair, it works, it’s low-risk, and creates mutual back-scratching.
Utility power can be both good and bad. You can increase your awareness, lower the cost of
dealing with you, make yourself more available to others, lower the threshold between you,
simplify procedures (remove red tape) make it more convenient, and get closer to people you
want to influence, and your power will increase. The more you do for them, the more they will be
likely to do for you.
The bad side is when someone wants to collect what you owe them at an inopportune time, or
when it comes to a marriage, the utility power of prenuptial agreements can make this kind of
power seem ugly.
With utility power we normally make a deal, bargain, argue, exchange, settle, concede, quarrel
and compromise. Partial win/win relationships, and temporary solutions result from utility power
struggles.
Bargaining can suffice with people we do not know well but with some people like our spouses or
children, we need to grow beyond utility power to a higher level…
Principle-centered power can come from someone who is no longer alive. That person’s influence
is not a passing fad, his or her effect on you does not lose potency over time but stays with you
throughout your life.
The Results of principle-centered power are sustained power, proactive behavior, self-control,
and a cultivation of interdependence.
Developing honor is a lifelong process. It is neither quick nor easy to do. If you want to have this
type of influence with those around you, you must win their trust, respect, and admiration. To do
this honorable people incorporate ten basic principles of power:
Persuasion – People need to see the big picture. They need to know Why they are doing
something. They look to their leader for clarity of vision.
Patience – Free people by giving them a chance to grow and develop. A good practice in
patience is growing your own home garden. The art of managing people is like carefully and
patiently tending your own vegetable patch. You cannot simply “fix” people overnight, like a piece
of machinery. You can only work to create the conditions that will allow people to flourish.
Gentleness – Everyone has particular areas where they are vulnerable, perhaps because our
families were not fully functional, or we have been hurt in the past. To self-check for gentleness,
ask yourself:
Teachability – If you want to influence someone, let that person influence you.
Self-check:
Have I stopped judging them?
Kindness – Do not patronize or be condescending. This is not genuine. True kindness comes
from a real regard for common humanity. You respect others because they are human beings, no
matter what class, race, or creed.
Self-check:
Am I being respectful?
Do I have their best interest in mind?
Do they feel comfortable with me?
Am I being considerate?
Do I feel compassion and generosity toward them?
Do I treat them the way they want to be treated?
Have I shared my feelings?
Am I holding back my feelings?
Have I asked their opinion?
Are they important to me?
Knowledge – Do we take the time to really get to know the people we would like to influence?
“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” – Mother Teresa
Do you allow opportunities for deep conversations and real bonding to happen? Do you “date”
your kids? Do you set aside time in your busy schedule to just chat and have breakfast or lunch
with your workers?
Discipline – This means acknowledging people make mistakes, but not giving them the harsh
punishment that would cause them to fear taking chances again. We must give firm but gentle
discipline. Constructive critique, earnestly given, while administered quickly and not too often but
with precise and clear purpose – this is the kind of discipline that stems from principle-centered
power.
Integrity –This means matching your words with your thoughts and actions. The greatest example
of integrity is Mahatma Gandhi. He spoke before the British House of Commons for two hours,
without the aid of any notes. The reason for this eloquence was his basic integrity. His thoughts,
feelings, words, and actions were all coming from the same heart. Integrity means “walking your
talk” and matching up to your highest values.
Self-check:
Does what I say match what I do?
Are my intentions and actions united?
Are my words, deeds, thoughts, and feelings in harmony right now?
Do I have a sense of completeness and wholeness?
When creating a powerful vision, ask yourself these two big questions:
1. If you did not have to work for a living, what would you devote your life to?
2. If you knew you could not fail, what would you do with your life?
What compels you to get up every morning? It has been studied that when people lose their jobs,
they initially feel sad, but when they begin to do something new (even if they are making less
money) they report feeling happier than in their old jobs. This means we must be willing to step
outside our comfort zones and seek new solutions. Sometimes, we are forced to and realize there
is always a choice and a different way or solution.
Financial hardship or any major crisis mobilizes us to seek a new solution. We need to wake up
and shift from our old paradigms and move in the direction of our dreams.
We must welcome and entertain unforeseen options. We must be willing to take risks.
Self-assessment:
What is your pattern of behavior?
Have you been honorable with the persons you would like to influence?
Where are you going? (Vision)
Are you coming with me? (Risk)
Can you be honorable? (Capacity)
Have you been honorable with me? (History)
Why should I listen to you? (Credibility)
We sometimes lose our patience and resort to coercion when it comes to having power with our
children. Unacceptable behavior in kids should be dealt with, but if you do it out of anger or
control, you are likely to end up with a relationship that is painfully alive or regretfully nonexistent.
Educator Kathryn Kvols suggests you examine your beliefs to determine if you are likely to be a
coercive parent.
Physical or emotional abuse, constant parental arguing, or loss of a parent through death or
divorce can produce depression in adolescents and in some cases of helplessness, suicide.
Recommended reading: Discipline: 101 Alternatives to Nagging, Yelling, and Spanking: Ways to
Stop Hurting your kids and start helping them, by Dr. Alvin Price and Jay Parry.
Even making deals or utility power at home can become destructive. The best way is to influence
children with honor and principle-centered power.
We can help our children deal with these issues if we provide a safe, trusting environment for
them at home. Pregnant unwed teens confirmed it was not ignorance of contraception methods
but low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy that led them to become pregnant. They sought
acceptance elsewhere, outside of the family home, and in the arms of boys.
How do we use principle-centered power with our children? One way is to offer them a choice.
Then reinforce the responsibility of that choice, by letting them deal with the consequences of
their decision-making. Sooner or later, the values you have tried so hard to instill in them will
come out in the way they choose.
When it comes to arguments with kids or with your spouse, it does not matter Who is right, but
What is right.
Learn from your children if you want them to learn from you.
Teach by example.
When it comes to marriage, couples all have arguments, furious walks alone, and crises. The
difference is that those couples that last a long time together are the ones who return home after
letting off steam, and try again. It takes a commitment to not give up and walk away, even when it
feels like you really want to walk away. The most important gift you can give your children is the
love, respect, and acceptance you give each other as husband and wife.
Many marriages are solidly rooted in at least one partner’s determination that this marriage,
unlike the one he or she knew as a child, was going to work and thrive. To summarize, the
couples that succeed at staying together are the ones who learned you have to make your own
marriage. If you know in your gut your marriage can work, then please by all means fight for it.
We need to give and receive a handful of hugs and words of appreciation each day. One
psychologist suggests ten sincere compliments or affirmations to every statement of constructive
criticism. What is the norm in your home?
Selected questions and activities to help you assess what you want and how you are doing:
What was the primary teaching/disciplining style in your home when you were a child – doubt,
fear, fairness, or honor?
When you are under emotional pressure, what is your first response to a crisis in your own home
today?
When you are your spouse have handled a problem well, pause and analyze what happened.
What was the source of your ideas and actions that worked? Congratulate and reinforce each
other. It can happen again if it happened once.
When are you most vulnerable? When are you likely to do something to your kids that you regret?
How would you characterize your dominant approach to influencing your children today –
powerlessness, coercive power, utility power, or principle-centered power? Establish a personal
goal and commitment to move from whichever level you are at and go to the next higher level.
You may want to conduct a family counseling session, listen to your kids, make them aware of
each type of power, and enlist their aid.
Establish a set of agreed-upon signals that will allow your spouse to intervene when you are too
emotionally involved to objectively discipline a child. Support each other in the middle of a
problem and debrief later to brainstorm better alternatives for next time.
If your children are still young, visit with an older couple you respect whose children are raised or
have left home. Ask them what best worked for them, what they regret having done, what really
mattered in the long run, and what they feel good about. A shift in perspective often accompanies
such open dialogue.
Remember that family life is a living laboratory. No one has all the answers. No one has it all
together. We can only improve it if we keep working at it. Do your best and do better next time.
YOU CAN DO IT.
Chapter 10. Teaching with power – how to honor those you teach
The teachers who make a difference are not those who instill fear, but those who teach by using
principle-centered power. Students will respect you if you have the integrity, credibility and
behavior of a teacher who is worthy.
Wise, principle-centered teachers have influence on us long after we graduate. We all have one
favorite teacher in high school who taught us something invaluable which we carry with us
throughout our adult lives.
When it comes to utility power in selling, the moment someone else offers better value, a cheaper
price, or quicker delivery, you may lose the deal. Everything is tit for tat. The way to sustain
selling and maintain a long-term relationship is using principle-centered power in sales.
You cannot sell with integrity unless you know where your prospect is in terms of the universal
human needs of stomach, head, heart, and spirit.
If you want to influence a valuable prospect, what can you do today that would increase their
capacity to trust you?
Are you burned out and always feeling like you made a compromise just to close a deal?
Do you know why your customers buy? How can your understanding help you serve them better?
Chapter 12. Leading with power – how to honor those you lead
Leaders are pathfinders. They need to clarify the group’s vision, context, direction, goals,
strategy, purpose, and pace.
Leaders are teambuilders. They need to create safe, healthy conditions for risk-taking. They have
to cultivate new leaders from the ranks, provide resources, help others move from independence
to interdependence, help get things done and get out of the way.
Leaders are gardeners. They cultivate core principles and values, create enthusiasm, provide
support systems, rewards, raw materials, weed out the problems, prune and plan for the harvest.
Women leaders know that those who are trusted, valued, and respected always did better work.
For many men it is not customary to put their children first during their workdays. There was much
ado about a film celebrity who stopped in the middle of a shoot because he promised his child he
would call at a certain time of the day.
Those who lead with honor must be nurturing, people-valuing, and accountability-demanding
types, it is a model that is actually more organic, and more female.
There is little room for the small-mindedness of parochial or gender-biased thinking and acting.
Gandhi was very nurturing as a leader. His compassion can be seen in many stories and
anecdotes about his life. In one such story, he fasted for thirteen days, stating he would not eat
until the fighting between Muslim and Hindu Indians would stop. It was the people’s love and
respect for Gandhi that finally caused a cessation in hostilities.
Application activities:
Keep a leadership journal. Study your attempts to influence others –like what was effective and
what attempt failed.
Have someone you respect observe your leadership and give you feedback.
Keep a journal of role models/leaders you want to emulate.
Find a willing, caring, and courageous coach.
Have a career plan that includes diverse experiences and find sponsors to support you.
Take assignments that will bring you out of your comfort zone and will make you build
synergistically with others.
10 practical suggestions:
1. Do not take it lying down.
2. Make an action plan.
3. Comply as best you can as long as your actions do not violate your basic values or hurt
others.
4. Invest the time to understand what they want.
5. Talk to others. Get help and form a network of friends or family.
6. Go underground. If the environment at home or work is abusive, you may need to
disappear for your own good.
7. Do something to improve your situation.
8. Bide your time, outlive or outlast the tyrants and you may live to replace them.
9. If you work in a toxic dump, get out. Change jobs, lifestyles, friends, or cities.
10. Pray.