THE 40 YEAR-OLD VIRGIN

by

Judd Apatow and Steve Carell

Gray Revised
March 30, 2005
Tan 3/9/05
Cherry 3/7/05
Salmon 2/11/05
Buff 2/3/05
Goldenrod 1/28/05
Green Draft 1/19/05
Yellow Draft 02/02/05
Pink Draft 12/8/04
Apatow Productions Blue Draft 11/17/04
Universal Studios White Draft 11/2/04
1 EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - MORNING 1

We reveal a nondescript apartment complex in North Hollywood,

California. It is not nice or ugly. It looks like every
other pleasant-looking apartment complex in the valley.

2 INT. APARTMENT - MORNING 2

ANDY STITZER, a boyish-looking forty year-old man, is asleep.

His clock radio goes off. Andy sits up in bed. Not happy,
not unhappy, just another day. He is wearing a t-shirt and
boxer shorts. He walks to the bathroom, sleepy-eyed, with an
erection.

3 INT./EXT. BATHROOM - DAY 3

Andy leans over, attempts to pee with a boner.

4 INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING 4

Andy is doing his morning workout. He works out using

equipment he has bought from late-night television.

On a bookshelf Andy has an impressive array of action

figures, science fiction novels and comic books, all in their
original packaging. Also, motivational plaques and some self
help books. On the fridge is a piece of paper which has his
daily schedule laid out.

5 INT. BATHROOM - MORNING 5

Andy sits in the bath. His hair is soapy. After a moment,

he goes underwater and after a little bit too long of a time,
he comes back up without the soap on his head.

Andy brushes his teeth in the mirror. Then he uses a Q-Tip.

All his stuff is by one sink, the other is empty.

6 INT. KITCHEN AREA - MORNING 6

In quick cuts, Andy cooks himself an impressive breakfast and

puts it down on a thoughtfully-set table. His oven beeps.
He takes a piece of chicken out of a pan and puts it in a
piece of Tupperware for his packed lunch. The phone rings.
Andy answers it.

ANDY
Hello.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 2.
6 CONTINUED: 6

TELEMARKETER *
Do you have fifteen minutes to
answer some questions about your
laundry detergent?

ANDY
(Looks at his schedule)
Not right now. I’ve got to get to
work, can you call back around nine
ten? I should be home then and
I’ll have some time to talk to you.

TELEMARKETER
Are you screwing with me?

ANDY
No. I thought you wanted to ask me
some questions.

TELEMARKETER
Oh. Ok. I’ll call you then.

7 EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING 7

Andy steps out of his apartment holding a bike tire. He

unlocks his bicycle and puts the tire on it. His neighbors,
JOE and SARA, in their mid-eighties, say hello.

JOE
Hey Andy.

ANDY
Hey Joe. Sara.

Andy begins tucking the legs of his pants into his socks.

JOE
What are you doing that for?

ANDY
Keeps the legs of my pants from
getting caught in the chain.

JOE
You know what else’d stop that? Get
a car!

ANDY
Ha-ha! You get a car! The world
doesn’t need another polluter and I
don’t need a car payment.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 3.
7 CONTINUED: 7
ANDY (cont'd)
(rides off on bike)
Don’t forget! Tomorrow! Survivor!

JOE *
That guy needs to get laid. *

SARA *
Tell me something I don’t know. *

8 EXT. STREET - MORNING 8

Andy rides to work. He clogs up traffic by riding in the car

lane. He is happy as can be as people yell and curse at him.
He doesn’t seem to hear it. One driver jerks into his lane,
scaring him. The evil driver laughs. Occasionally, Andy
takes detours through neighborhoods. At one point, a bunch
of twelve year-old kids ride next to him, they suddenly race.
Andy pulls away, clearly winning. *

9 EXT. MINI-MALL - MORNING 9

Andy rides past a store with a sign that says “We Sell Your
Stuff on E-Bay.” Andy crosses the street and rides his bike
into a mini-mall whose centerpiece is an enormous stereo and
TV store, SMART TECH.

10 INT. SMART TECH - MORNING 10

DAVE, early thirties, is talking to his boss, PAULA, as they

stand in front of a huge wall covered in flat screen TV’s all
showing the same Michael MacDonald concert film.

DAVID
Paula, hey I have something to tell *
you. I’m really excited about it. *
For the first time, I woke up, I *
came to the store and I feel *
confident to say to you that if you *
don’t take off this Michael *
McDonald DVD that you’ve been *
playing for two years straight I’m *
going to kill everyone in this *
store and put a bullet in my brain. *

PAULA
Well, what would you have us put
on?

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 3A.
10 CONTINUED: 10

DAVID
Anything. I would rather watch *
“Beautician and the Beast,” I would *
rather listen to Fran Drescher for *
eight hours than have to listen to *
Micheal McDonald. Nothing against *
him, but if I have to hear Yamo Be *
There one more time, I’m going to *
Yamo-Burn-This-Place-Down-to-the *
ground. *

PAULA *
Such a smart ass. Get back on the *
floor. *
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 4.
10 CONTINUED: 10
PAULA (cont'd)
*

Andy walks inside. He says hello to people as he heads

toward the stock room. Everyone politely says hello back or
nods, but it is clear he has no close relationships here.

A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN is bent over looking at some tapes. Her

giant gorgeous cleavage is nearly entirely visible.

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
Excuse me. I have a question. What
is the difference between digital
and high eight video tape?

Andy does not even notice the woman’s chest.

ANDY
I’m sorry, I’m not a salesman. Let
me get someone to help you.

Suddenly, Jay has appeared in front of the woman ready to

help.

JAY
Hello. My name is Jay. What can I
help you with this fine morning?

Andy continues on and walks through a door. A moment later,

he appears in an opening in the wall that separates the
showroom and the stock room. People come to him with their
receipts to get their items pulled from the stock room and
delivered to their cars. CAL, the stock guy, appears right
behind Andy.

CAL
Hey Andy. Sorry I’m late man. Oh *
man, I had a weekend. We went to *
Tijuana, Mexico and we thought it *
would be fun to go to one of these *
shows. Its a woman fucking a horse. *
We get there and we think its going *
to be awesome and it is not as cool *
as it sounds like its going to be. *
Its kind of gross. You think a *
woman fucking a horse, but then you *
get there and its a woman fucking a *
horse. It was really giving it to *
her. We all just felt bad for her. *
We kind of felt bad for the horse. *

ANDY *
Wow, that’s something. *

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 4A.
10 CONTINUED: 10

CAL *
So what did you get up to? *

ANDY *
Well, I just kind of hung out. On *
Friday, when I got home, I really *
wanted an egg salad sandwich. So *
Saturday I went out and I got like *
a dozen eggs and I boiled them all. *
I spent probably 3 hours making the *
mayonnaise and the onions and *
paprika and all the accoutrements *
and then by the time I was done I *
just didn’t feel like eating it. *

CAL *
I can imagine. *

ANDY *
And I didn’t have any bread. So, it *
was a pretty good weekend. *

CAL *
Sound pretty awesome. *

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 5.
10 CONTINUED: 10

They sit in silence. *

11 INT. SMART TECH - LATER 11

A foreign salesman, MOOJ, is talking to a FEMALE CUSTOMER.

MOOJ
See, that was not the television
you wanted. You have been steered
to the wrong unit. The one we have
selected is far superior.

DAVID walks over to him.

DAVID
What are you doing? That’s my
customer.

MOOJ
It certainly is not. When I came
upon her, she was unattended.

DAVID
That’s because I went into the back
to get her the pamphlet she asked
for.

MOOJ
I apologize, but it is too late.
The transaction has been completed.

DAVID
Then I want half the commission.

MOOJ
You will receive none of the
commission.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 6.
11 CONTINUED: 11

DAVID
Then I’m gonna tell Paula.

MOOJ
That is bullshit. You go cry to
Paula every time I make a sale.

DAVID
I am tired of you poaching my
customers.

MOOJ
And I am tired of your crybaby
bullshit.

DAVID
You wanna go? Let’s go outside
right now! I’ll take you apart.

MOOJ
Let’s do it inside, so I can show
everyone what a pussy you have.
Because when I remove the blade I
keep in my boot from its sheath, I
can’t return it until it has
spilled blood.

DAVID
(trying not to act scared)
You’re an asshole, man.

David exits. Mooj walks the customer over to Andy and Cal’s
station. He hands the receipt to Andy.

MOOJ
(to customer-warmly)
It has been an honor doing business
with you. Enjoy your new
television. Watch ‘River Runs
Through It,’ it looks amazing.

ANDY
Cal, will you please help this
woman bring her television to her
car?

An annoyed Cal walks out of the stock room. He picks up the

customer’s huge television and walks with the customer to her
car.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 7.
11 CONTINUED: 11

CAL
(to customer)
And yes, you are allowed to tip me.

12 INT. SMART TECH - LATER 12

Andy is at his post. David, Jay, and Cal are twenty feet
away.

DAVID
What about Andy?

CAL
No.

JAY
Well, we need five guys to have a
decent poker game, and if we cancel
I have to go to a dumb birthday
party with my lady and that’s not
happening.

CAL
Anybody but Andy. He’s just so
boring.

DAVID
Who cares? He’s a nice guy. I just
want to play cards.

CAL
You’ve never talked to him. I’m
locked in box with him for ten
hours a day.

JAY
Well, we have no other option.

CAL
You’re about learn a lot about
extension cords.

DAVID
Hey Andy, are you busy tonight?

ANDY
Why, do we have to unload the Sony
truck?

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 8.
12 CONTINUED: 12

DAVID
No, we’re gonna play poker. You
wanna play poker?

ANDY
With you guys? Uh, yeah, sure,
that’d be cool.

JAY
You know how to play?

ANDY
I play online...sometimes.

JAY
Same game, except you’ve got to
bring your poker face. How’s nine?

ANDY
Could it be nine thirty ‘cause I
have a call I have to take a little
after nine. It should only take
fifteen minutes.

DAVID
Nine thirty is fine. We’re gonna
play here at the store so we can
watch the game on the big tv’s.

ANDY
Are we allowed to do that?

CAL
No. No, we’re not.

ANDY
So, I’ll just go tell Paula.
(laughs)
Just kidding. Sounds great.

JAY
We got a two hundred dollar buy-in.

ANDY
(trying to act like he
knows what he’s talking
about)
Oh, we’re doing the old two hundred
dollar buy-in. Cool. See ya
tonight.

Andy walks off.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 9.
12 CONTINUED: 12

JAY
I almost feel guilty. Almost.

13 INT. SMART TECH - MIDNIGHT 13

The five are playing poker in the darkened store. Most of the
chips are in front of Andy, who is a little too dressed up
for this event. He pulls another pile of winnings towards
him.

JAY
How much online poker do you play?

ANDY
Just an hour or two a night. When
I’m not playing Halo.

MOOJ
(storms out)
Why you invite him?! He’s a
fucking ringer. You guys are
cheaters! This is bullshit! I go
home!

Mooj exits.

DAVID
Well, Andy, at least I feel like
I’ve gotten to know you better,
since you spent the last three
hours fucking me in the ass.

ANDY
(giggling)
I didn’t fuck you in the ass.

JAY
I have to get out of here. I’m
meeting Ellen.

CAL
A little late night action?

JAY
Ah, this girl is crazy. Last time
I saw her, I pulled fourteen
muscles.

CAL
Sign me up for some of that.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 10.
13 CONTINUED: 13

ANDY
(half assed)
Oh yeah.

DAVID
Does your girlfriend know that you
see all these women?

JAY
We have an unspoken agreement. I
have to fulfill my potential as a
man. This is the only society in
the world where a man only gets one
woman. It’s like, you know how NBA
players have lady friends in every
city, and their wives know, and
they cool with it, because they
know their husbands are
extraordinary people.

CAL
But you’re not in the NBA. You work
in a stereo store.

JAY
Now you’re just attacking me. If
you met this chick, you’d get it.
She is up for everything. There is
no part of her body I haven’t had
sex with. I have literally made
love to the arches of her feet.

DAVID
That’s sick man.

CAL
You want sick, I got a sick sex
story. I was kind of saving it for
the right moment. This seems good.
I was having sex with this girl
last week, she had the best
titties.

ANDY
I love titties.

CAL
And we were almost done, then her
dog starts licking my ass, and I
have to decide, do I stop the dog,
or do I finish?

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 11.
13 CONTINUED: 13

JAY
I know you finished!

CAL
I finished. Damn right I finished.
That dog knew what it was doing.

DAVID
When Amy and I had sex, sometimes I
would look up at a clock, and like
five hours would pass and it felt
like five seconds. With us, time
disappeared. We were so close, it’s
like we were sharing the same
heart.

JAY
Sharing the same heart?! Am I
talking to a person right now, or a
Britney Spears lyric? No one wants
to hear that shit.

ANDY
I don’t want to hear that shit!

JAY
You guys broke up two years ago,
you have to get over it. I know
she has a killer ass, but she’s not
worth it.

ANDY
(too into it)
Get over it, man! The ass is not
worth it!

Andy got too loud. His comment draws everyone’s attention to

him. He immediately knows this is not good. He is cornered.

JAY
Listen to Andy. He knows. Now
Andy, lay a sex story on us. Get
that bad taste out of our mouths.

ANDY
I don’t kiss and tell. I’m a
gentleman.

JAY
Come on, I know you’re a secret
player. What’s the nastiest thing
you’ve ever done?

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 12.
13 CONTINUED: 13

ANDY
(after a breath)
Ok. So many stories are running *
through my head right now. Well... *
It’s pretty sick. Once, I was
seeing this girl, and she loved
having sex. She was so into it.
We would like totally have sex. I
would be like nailing her, she
totally got nailed by me.

JAY
I knew it. Undercover pimp. I bet
she had a filthy mouth. Did she
talk to you when you did it?

ANDY
Oh yeah. We would have sex and
she’d be screaming, “I love it! I
love sex! Me so horny. Me love
you long time, Andy.”

JAY
What was her name?

ANDY
Tandra.

JAY
What were Tandra’s tits like?

ANDY
Oh, awesome. Great tits. Top notch.

CAL
What were her nipples like? Give us
some details. Were they like silver
dollar nipples?

ANDY
They were like five dollars.

JAY
Were they long nips or flat nips,
were they bumpy braille nipples, *
the Stevie Wonders? What did they *
feel like?

ANDY
They were amazing!
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 12A.
13 CONTINUED: 13
ANDY (cont'd)
You would squeeze her breasts and
they felt so awesome. You know how
tits feel like... a bag of sand.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 13.
13 CONTINUED: 13

DAVID
No. They don’t feel like a bag of
sand.

ANDY
Well, you know what I mean. How
they feel like a bag of marbles.

DAVID
Marbles? No. What are you talking
about?

ANDY
Let’s just deal the cards.

CAL
Have you ever felt a woman’s tit
before?

ANDY
Yeah. Sally.

CAL
Tandra.

ANDY
Yeah, Tandra.

JAY
You gay? It’s okay if you’re gay.
So you fuck guys. That’s cool.
I’ve got friends who fuck guys...in *
jail. *

ANDY
I’m not gay. I’ve borked tons of *
girls.

DAVID *
Borked? *

JAY
Oh my god. No. It can’t be. Answer *
this question. Are you a virgin? *
*

ANDY
No. Not since I was ten, my
friends.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 13A.
13 CONTINUED: 13

CAL
(laughing)
I knew it! That makes so much
sense! You’re a virgin! *

JAY
How old are you?

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 14.
13 CONTINUED: 13

ANDY
I turn forty one next month.

JAY
How can that even happen?

DAVID
Don’t be mean.

JAY
I’m not being mean! I want to help
him.
(leans in close to Andy)
Look, I think I understand the
situation. I know how to hook a
brother up. My man Earl was in
jail for thirty six months, I got
him laid the day he got out.

ANDY
(dying inside)
You guys are really funny. Really.

JAY
You just need to get past this. So
don’t worry. I’m your pimp, G dog.
From now on, your dick is my dick.

Andy looks terrified.

JAY
(to David)
What’s your problem?

DAVID
Last month you said my dick was
your dick.

The guys all laugh, and it turns into SLOW MOTION laughter
from Andy’s POV. We end on Andy looking at them. He can’t
believe that his secret is out.

14 EXT. CITY STREETS - NIGHT 14

Andy rides his bike home ridiculously fast. He looks crazed.

 Gray Revised 3/30/05 15.

15 INT. ANDY’S APARTMENT 15

He is pacing around furiously. We cut to super tight close-

ups of the action figures he has collected and his face as he
rants.

ANDY
They know, they know, they know. I
should never have played poker with
them. Should have stayed online.
(beat-more confidently)
It’s fine. Sex isn’t everything.
This is my life. I have nothing to
be ashamed of. To each his own.
To each his own. That’s right.
You worry about your life, I’ll
worry about mine.

16 INT. SMART TECH - NEXT DAY 16

Andy walks in, trying to act nonchalant, hoping nobody

remembers last night.

ANDY
Good morning, David, Cal.

DAVID & CAL

Morning, Andy.

ANDY
Jay.

JAY
Morning, Andy.

Andy smiles. They forgot. It is in the past. Haziz, a

foreign salesman, walks up to Andy.

HAZIZ
Hey, Andy. We’ve got to get you
some pussy.
(turns to everyone)
This boy needs to get laid.

They all laugh. Andy realizes the music playing in the store
is “Feels Like The First Time” by Foreigner. The video is on
every TV.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 16.
16 CONTINUED: 16

JAY
Friday night you are coming out
with us, and it is going to go
down!

PAULA
Everyone get to work! Put back the
Michael MacDonald.

David looks annoyed. Everyone walks off. Mooj and Haziz

walk over to Andy.

MOOJ
Andy, don’t let them bother you.
It’s okay not to have sex. What
are you, twenty five? There’s
plenty of time.

ANDY
I’m forty. I’ll be forty one next
month.

HAZIZ
Holy shit. You’ve really got to
get on that.

David watches, concerned.

MOOJ
No he doesn’t. This country breeds
perversion. Life is about the
children and the spirit, it is not
about fucking and balls and pussy.
It is about love and people and
connection. Not the cock and the
ass and tits. Do you know what I
mean?

ANDY
I think so.

HAZIZ
(to Mooj)
Easy for you to say.
(to Andy)
You must be very lonely. What do
you do all day?

ANDY
I lead a pretty full life?

QUICK FLASHES OF ANDY’S LIFE

 Gray Revised 3/30/05 17.

17 --WORKING OUT. 17

18 --PLAYING VIDEO GAMES. 18

19 --Playing with action figures in boxes. 19

20 --Sitting alone in silence for a beat too long. 20

21 --Playing ping pong with himself against a wall. 21

22 --Andy plays electronic drums. 22

23 --Building an elaborate model. 23

24 INT. SMART TECH 24

When we cut back Mooj and Haziz are just staring at him.

MOOJ
Maybe you should let Jay hook up
the action. You’re going to make
Mooj cry.

Andy rushes out of the store. David follows.

A25 EXT. MINI MALL - DAY A25

Andy is running down the stairs at the mini mall. David

follows. Andy attempts to evade him by running around the
nooks and crannies of their mini mall until they end up on a
catwalk behind the mini mall.

25 EXT. CATWALK - DAY 25

Andy runs to the end of the catwalk, but there is nowhere

else to go.

ANDY
I have to quit my job now.

DAVID
You don’t have to quit your job.

ANDY
You’ve invaded my privacy. This
isn’t funny. It’s my life. I’m
fine. My life is fine.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 18.
25 CONTINUED: 25

DAVID
Okay. It’s fine. Jay just wants
to help.

ANDY
I don’t need help. You ever think
that some people find sex sacred?
It’s not a game. This is a choice.
I’m a very religious person.

DAVID
I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you
were so religious.

ANDY
Well, I am---okay, I’m not. But
it’s my own personal choice.

DAVID
Okay, we’re sorry. But don’t quit
your job.

Andy starts crying, his is mouth open in a silent scream, but

no noise comes out.

DAVID
Breathe, Andy, breathe.

ANDY
There’s more to life than sex. Why
is that so important to everyone?

DAVID
You’re right. As long as you’re
happy. To each his own.

ANDY
Well, I am happy.

DAVID
Good. You always seem happy.

Andy starts crying again, even harder.

DAVID
Are you not happy?

Andy nods his head ‘no’ vigorously.

DAVID
It’s ok. It’s ok.
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 19.

A26 INT. WESTERN BAGEL - DAY A26

David and Andy look like they have been talking for a while.

ANDY
It just never happened. When I was
young I tried. And it didn’t
happen. Then I got older, and I
got more and more embarrassed that
it hadn’t happened, then I stopped
trying.

DAVID
How can you stop trying?

ANDY
I focused on other things. I just
chose not to think about it.

DAVID
Well, do you want to give it
another shot?

ANDY
I don’t know. I wouldn’t know
what to do. Maybe it’s too late.

DAVID
It’s never too late. 40 is the new
20. People die when they’re a
hundred. What, are you not gonna
have sex for another sixty years?
You can’t go your whole life and
never experience that.

ANDY
I know. I know you’re right.

DAVID
I am right. Look at me. I met
this girl, we went out for four
months. It was heaven. And then *
she went down on this guy in an *
escalade and instead of trying to *
work on the relationship and
understand what she was going
through, I dumped her. And I have
spent that last two years
regretting that decision and I know
one day we’ll give it another shot.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 20.
A26 CONTINUED: A26

ANDY
Why not today?

DAVID
She’s dating a pot dealer. And it’s
a horrible mistake, but that just
means, there’s a lesson she needs
to learn. So in a way it’s good
for her. Life is all about taking
risks and never giving up. Are you
ready to take a risk?

ANDY
No. But, maybe I should try
anyway.

DAVID
That’s the spirit. And don’t worry
about Jay. He just gets excited
‘cause he’s on parole and can’t
leave the state.

ANDY
(laughs)
He’s not on parole.

DAVID
No really, he is. He won’t tell us
what he did.

ANDY
Oh.

DAVID
You took a chance, you played poker
with us, and something good came
from it. You made three new
friends. Well, two for sure, Cal
doesn’t like you, but it’s not
because of this.

Andy lets out a chuckle.

DAVID
Come out with us this weekend.
We’ll just have some fun. No
pressure.

Andy thinks for a moment. We see that he is changing a little

already.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 21.
A26 CONTINUED: A26

ANDY
Okay. I will. Why not? But I’m not
going to have sex with anyone.

DAVID
Ok. No pressure. Just put sex
completely out of your mind.

26 EXT. CITY STREET - DAY 26

Andy is walking home. Everything he sees seems sexual. It

is as if he has seen all of this for his entire life but
never noticed it before. He is both drawn to it and afraid.

He sees a normal-looking middle aged WOMAN walking down the

street. He looks away as if she is pure sex. A gorgeous
eighteen year-old GIRL with no bra and a low cut T-shirt. He
turns away and tries to hide at a newsstand. He looks down.

QUICK CUTS--every cover is of a gorgeous, busty woman. Even

high minded periodicals like The Wall Street Journal have
busty women on the covers. He walks away and stops at a bus
stop, just wanting to get home. The bus pulls up and on the
side of it is a billboard of a perfume ad with a naked man
and a naked woman.

Andy starts running down the street. As he runs the bus

pulls out and is driving at the same speed as Andy. He can
not escape this dirty billboard no matter how fast he runs.
Finally the bus stops at the next light and he loses it, but
immediately a new bus drives parallel to him with an even
larger billboard of the same ad.

Andy cuts right and starts running through a neighborhood.

He cuts through houses and lawns. He sees two DOGS having
furious sex on a lawn. He cuts into the woods and runs and
runs.

27 INT. ANDY’S APARTMENT - LATE AFTERNOON 27

Andy runs in and lies down on his bed and opens a book. It
is a Tom Swift science fiction book. Suddenly we hear the
sounds of his elderly neighbors laughing, then having very
loud sex. He starts playing electric drums to not hear it.

28 INT. BATHROOM - OMITTED 28

 Gray Revised 3/30/05 22.

29 INT. ANDY’S LIVING ROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT 29

Andy is on the phone.

ANDY
Hi, I’m calling because it’s been
more than four hours and the ad
said I should call if it’s been
more than four hours.
(beat)
How many did I take? I haven’t
taken any. But your ad said if you
have had an erection for more than
four hours you should call.
(beat)
Oh, I’m sorry. I must not have
heard that part. So there’s
nothing you can do. I just want
it to go away.
(beat)
No, I’m not screwing with you.

A30 INT. ANDY’S BEDROOM - NIGHT A30

Andy falls asleep. We see his NIGHTMARE, which is his sexual

history.

B30 INT. ANDY’S BEDROOM - DAY - NIGHTMARE B30

Andy, 6, is sitting on his bed with his MOTHER, who already

seems very old.

MOTHER
Now Andy, when you get older you
are going to start having certain
feelings...down there. And you’re
going to get urges to do certain
things. DON’T DO IT!
(shoot as alt.)
Here’s an action figure.

She hands him an action figure in a box.

C30 INT. CLASSROOM- DAY - NIGHTMARE C30

ANDY, 16, is with a GIRL his age.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 23.
C30 CONTINUED: C30

ANDY
Are you sure you want to? I’m kind
of nervous. I’ve never had oral
sex before.

GIRL
Don’t worry. Jennifer told me how
to do it. It’s gonna be awesome.

She gets on her knees and opens her mouth wide and we see she
has a mouthful of terrifying, archaic looking braces. She
drops out of frame and Andy screams. The bell rings and kids
stream into the room.

D30 INT. ANDY’S DORM ROOM - NIGHT - NIGHTMARE D30

Andy, 20, making out with a girl in his college dorm room. He
takes her shirt off and fumbles with un-hooking her bra, but
can’t quite get it. He starts to try to push the bra up over
her head, but it gets caught on her hair. She flails as he
tries to get it off, pulling out a chunk of her hair and
choking her simultaneously. She screams at him to get it
off.

WOMAN
(looks at his pants)
And why are your pants all wet?!
Ew!

E30 INT. ANDY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT - NIGHTMARE E30

Andy (26) is making out with a WOMAN. She slowly goes down
towards his feet and begins to suck his toe.

ANDY
That tickles.

Andy reflexively kicks his foot, slamming the woman in the

face.

WOMAN
AAAHHH!!!!
(through bloody nose)
Andy! Just give up! You are
terrible at this! You will never
screw a woman properly in your
entire life!!!!!
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 24.

F30 INT. ANDY’S BEDROOM - SUNRISE F30

Andy wakes up, looking wigged out from his flashback

nightmare.

30 INT. SMART TECH - DUSK 30

Andy is at his station. He looks at a clock nervously. In a

few dissolves we see him check the clock and each time
several hours pass. He fears going out tonight and the day
is flying by.

He walks to the back room of the store. The guys are getting
dressed to go out for the night. We PAN past a tense Andy
buttoning his dress shirt, Cal brushing his beard, Dave and
Jay styling their hair.

ANDY *
Hey Cal, is this shirt too yellow? *

CAL *
No. What’s Curious George like in *
real life? *

JAY
Oh man. It’s on. It’s so on.

DAVID
Calm down, man. You don’t want to
spook him.

JAY
Okay.
(whispering)
I just want to give back. The
ladies have been so good to me, I
just want to spread the wealth.
It’s on. It’s so on.

DAVID
Jay, seriously. I promised him we
wouldn’t pressure him.

JAY
Pressure? You want to talk about
pressure? The man has 40 years of
sperm building up inside him. This
man is all about pressure. We gotta
push his ass, or he’s gonna
explode.
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 24A.

31 INT. VALLEY BAR - NIGHT 31

Andy, now overdressed, sits with Jay and Dave at the bar. Cal
is in the background talking to a drunk girl. Andy looks at
all of the people in the bar. It is like a scary jungle.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 25.
31 CONTINUED: 31

ANDY
This place seems nice.

DAVID
Not really, but it’s walking
distance to my apartment and the
drinks are cheap.

JAY
Here’s what you’re gonna do. You’re
gonna hit on drunk girls. Really
drunk girls. That’s how you’re
gonna get this thing done.

ANDY
But Dave, you said that-

Andy turns and realizes that Dave is not there anymore.

ANDY
Where did Dave go?

JAY
He had an appointment. It don’t
matter. Come here.
(intimately-closely)
Look Andy, you hear me? You gotta
listen to me. We gonna do this
shit. It’s gonna be easy. You just
gotta do it.

ANDY
But, I just think-

JAY
Stop thinking. That’s what’s
holding you back. You don’t have to
think. You gotta use your-
(grabs his balls)
Instinct. How does a lion know to
tackle a gazelle? It’s in its DNA. *
In your DNA somewhere, it says
tackle drunk bitches. *

ANDY
I just feel uncomfortable hitting
drunk bitches- *

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 26.
31 CONTINUED: 31

JAY
Hold on. You’re making it out to be *
some kind of bad thing. I didn’t *
use ‘bitches’ in a derogatory *
sense, you did. That’s not what *
this is. I don’t mean to get all
spiritual, but getting drunk makes
people less judgemental, and that’s
a good thing. Jesus says, don’t
judge lest ye be judged. Look at
Cal.

ANGLE ON: Cal flirting sexually with a very drunk girl.

JAY
That woman ain’t judging him.
She’s vibing on the deeper Cal
right now. She’s not gonna let
physicality get in the way of God’s
plan. You gonna do this?

ANDY
It doesn’t feel right.

JAY
You’re thinking again. Bad move. So
what if it doesn’t feel right.
What’s felt right has let you down
for the last twenty five years.
Maybe you should try doing what
feels wrong.

Andy looks at Jay for a long beat. He knows that he has to

take a leap sometime.

ANDY
How do I know which ones are drunk?

JAY
Now we’re talking. My man. Okay.
See that big titted red-head over
there?

ANDY
I can’t just stare at a woman.

JAY
I am not telling you to stare. You
have to use the peripherals. Now
look at me.

Andy and Jay stare directly into each other’s eyes.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 26A.
31 CONTINUED: 31

JAY
See, right now I am not looking at
you.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 27.
31 CONTINUED: 31
JAY (cont'd)
I am looking at the redhead at
three o’clock with the crazy rack.
You see her?

ANDY
I see her.

JAY
That’s it. Just use the
peripheral! Find a hot drunk lady
and make your move. But remember,
it’s more important that she’s
drunk than hot.

Andy gathers his courage, gets up and walks away. A moment

later, Dave returns.

JAY
That went well. I’m feel like I’m
sending my boy off to kindergarten.

DAVID
I wonder if Amy’s gonna come in
tonight. We went here once. She
loves their changas.

Andy walks around the bar, scoping out women using his
peripheral vision. He occasionally bumps into a piece of
furniture. One girl is passed out on a table.

ANDY
Hello.

DAVID
(calls out)
Too drunk.

ANDY
Oh.
(to passed out woman)
Have a good night.

ANGLE ON

A table filled with pretty, young women.

WOMAN#1
I just need to get laid tonight.
It’s as simple as that.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 28.
31 CONTINUED: 31

WOMAN#2
You’ve been working so hard at
work, you deserve to just have some
fun. You never do anything wild.

WOMAN#1
Tonight I’m going wild. The first
nice guy that even talks to me, I’m
gonna take him home and rock his
world.

Andy walks up to the table.

ANDY
Good evening, ladies.

LADIES
Good evening. Hi.

ANDY
How are you doing tonight?

WOMAN#1
Great. And you?

ANDY
Never better. Can I buy you a few
drinks?

WOMAN#1
I’m not really much of a drinker.
But why don’t you sit down?

ANDY
No thanks. It was nice to meet you
though. Have a good night.

She doesn’t understand what just happened. He walks away.

As he does we see Mooj and Haziz at a table with six gorgeous
Persian women. He gives Andy the thumbs up. Andy walks over
to David.

ANDY
(to David)
She wasn’t drunk. Man, this is
gonna be hard.

32 INT. BAR - LATER 32

Andy walks over to THREE WOMEN at a table.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 29.
32 CONTINUED: 32

ANDY
Hello.

MEAN YOUNG WOMAN

We’ll have three margaritas please.

ANDY
Oh, I don’t work here.

MEAN YOUNG WOMAN

Then move on.

Andy is stunned, then he walks away. Jay walks over to him.

JAY
Come hang out with us. We’re
partying with these girls who are
having a bachelorette party.
They’re really fun.

33 INT. BAR - LATER 33

The guys are hanging out with eight drunk women, who are
throwing their friend ROBIN a bachelorette party. The table
is littered with empty glasses and filthy adult novelty
items. They all are wearing bright-colored wigs. One guest
is a drunk blonde, NICKY.

NICKY
We decided since this is Robin’s
last night as a free woman before
she marries Dan, she should just
wig out, so we are wigging out.

All the girls shriek with delight.

DAVID
You guys are hilarious.

Jay is playing with one of the vibrators. He talks into it

like it is a phone.

JAY
Mr. President, the erection results
are in!

Everyone is laughing hysterically. Cal has edible underwear

on his face and he is eating through it.

CAL
It tastes like chicken.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 30.
33 CONTINUED: 33

DAVID
This guy will eat underwear that’s
not even edible.

They laugh. Andy puts a huge fake penis on his head, trying
to join in on the fun.

ANDY
Hey, look at me. I have a huge
penis on my head.

They give him a look and a little chuckle, then go back to

their business.

34 INT. BAR - LATER 34

It is a little quieter now. Everyone is a little drunk,

except Andy who holds the same beer which he has not taken a
sip out of. Andy is talking to Nicky, the pretty blonde.

NICKY
(drunk)
The guy Robin’s marrying, Dan, is
such a good guy. I hated him for
two years cause we were dating and
he cheated me. But he’s really
changed. He’s a good guy now.

ANDY
That’s good that she’s marrying a
good guy.

NICKY
She deserves it. We all do. We’ve
all been friends since we were six.
Isn’t that sick?

ANDY
That’s nice to have good friends
you’ve known for a long time.

NICKY
You have kind eyes.

ANDY
Thank you. You have--

She kisses him hard on the mouth. Lots of tongue. When it

ends, Andy looks like he doesn’t know where he is.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 31.
34 CONTINUED: 34

NICKY
This is getting lame. Let’s get
out of here.

Before Andy can say anything, she pulls him up and is walking
him towards the exit. Andy looks back at his friends, who
are so excited that they are high fiving and giving him the
thumbs up. He gives them a thumbs up, and smiles nervously
as he exits.

35 EXT. BAR/INT. NICKY’S CAR - NIGHT 35

ANDY and NICKY are getting into NICKY’s car.

NICKY
Are you drunk?

ANDY
No, not really.

NICKY
Blow into this.

NICKY holds up a rubber hose that is somehow attached to the

dashboard.

ANDY
What is this?

ANDY blows into the rubber tube. NICKY puts the keys in the
ignition and starts the car.

NICKY
The stupid judge made me get it
‘cause I drove drunk a few times.
But he doesn’t realize I drive
better drunk--cause I’m extra
careful.

36 INT. CAR - NIGHT 36

NICKY is all over the road. Andy is terrified.

NICKY
...So Dan’s like, “You are such a B-
I-T-C-H,” pardon my French, and I’m
like, “Shut up, you loser.” “I hate
your guts.” “I hate your fucking
guts.” Pardon my French.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 31A.
36 CONTINUED: 36
NICKY (cont'd)
You know what I mean? He deserves
to marry that whore.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 32.
36 CONTINUED: 36
NICKY (cont'd)
God, I hate people who are stupid
assholes. They are such assholes.
You know? Who’s your name again?

ANDY
Andy.

NICKY
Andy, let me tell you something.
Don’t ever be named Dan. Because
Dan is a jerk name.

ANDY
Okay.

NICKY
I am Total Cereal. Dan is a bad
person name. Dan rhymes with man
and men jerk off, and he was a jerk
off. You know what I mean?

Andy notices that they are heading directly into oncoming

traffic.

ANDY
Look out!

At the last second, Nicky jerks back onto her side of the
road, just missing the cars.

ANDY
Uh...so where exactly do you live?

NICKY
Not with jerk-o. No fuckin’ way,
baby. I did my time. He’s Robin’s
nightmare now...Do you think I’m
pretty?

She turns to ask the question and runs through a red light.
Two cars narrowly avoid a crash.

ANDY
(reaction to near miss)
Oh, God. Yes. Crap.

NICKY
Look at me. You’re not looking at
me. Come on. Look at my face. Do
you think I am pretty?

NICKY is looking at ANDY. Her eyes don’t even glance at the

road.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 33.
36 CONTINUED: 36

NICKY
(screaming)
LOOK AT ME!

ANDY
(screaming)
YOU’RE PRETTY. YOU’RE SO PRETTY. I
WANT TO LIVE.

NICKY
Thank you. You know if you men
would just offer up a nice
compliment like that every once in
a while, there would be no poverty.
You’re cute. Kiss my mouth.
(beat)
Get over here.

NICKY forcefully pulls him to her. ANDY is now practically

sitting on NICKY’S lap. He looks down the road, she looks at
him.

NICKY
I like you. You’re not a jag...

She pauses to vomit a little in her mouth.

NICKY
...Off. I think I ate some bad
shellfish sandwich.

NICKY forcefully kisses him. Her car drifts over and she
begins to scrape the cars parked on the side of the road.
Side-view mirror after side-view mirror gets SMASHED by the
car. Andy straightens the car out.

ANDY
Maybe I should drive.

NICKY
(playfully)
You don’t know where I live.

ANDY
You could tell me.

NICKY
Hey, that’s awfully forward of you.
(she grabs his hand)
I just got fake boobs. They’re
awesome.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 34.
36 CONTINUED: 36
NICKY (cont'd)
The guy who took out Pamela
Anderson’s implants did them. Feel
them. Don’t they feel real?

She puts his hand on her chest, under the shirt.

ANDY
Yeah.
(to himself)
They do feel like a bag of sand.

NICKY
This is gonna be fun. When we do
it, don’t get scared but I’m very
multi-orgasmic. You just touch me
and I’m screaming like I’m being
murdered, but in a good way. So
just know, you’re not hurting me.
(casually)
Oh, that’s my place. Home sweet
home.

ANDY
Oh, we made it.

Nicky turns left towards a driveway. An oncoming car hits

the rear of the car, and Nicky’s car goes spinning 360
degrees five or six times before coming to a stop.

ANDY
Are you okay?

NICKY starts to cry. She then abruptly begins to laugh. Then

she vomits on ANDY.

NICKY
That fucker came out of nowhere.

We see that NICKY has vomit on her cheek. In the distance, we

hear sirens and see the glow of flashing lights.

NICKY
You have to switch places with me.
If this goes on my record, I’ll
lose my license, I won’t be able to
get to work, I’ll lose my job.
(starts crying)
Please...PLEASE! PLEASE... Mr. “Not
Dan Guy.”

We see a police car pull up behind them.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 35.
36 CONTINUED: 36

NICKY
Just change seats with me. Please,
“Not Dan Guy.”

ANDY
I don’t want to get into trouble.

NICKY
You won’t “Not Dan,” you won’t. Do
you have a record?

ANDY
No...

NICKY
Then you’ll be fine, believe me, I
know how this works. They’ll act
all serious and scary, and then
they’ll let you off with a warning.
(beat)
And don’t act suspicious, there’s a
gun under your seat. It’s my ex’s.

They quickly switch seats. A POLICE OFFICER leans his head

into the car.

ANDY
Good evening, Officer.

POLICE OFFICE
Everyone alright here?

NICKY
He was driving the car. He said he
was fine to drive.
(to Andy)
Liar!

37 EXT. STREET - MOMENTS LATER 37

The cop car pulls out and we see Andy’s sad face through the
window. Nicky does not look sympathetic as she watches him
go.

38 EXT. SMART TECH LOADING DOCK - MORNING 38

Andy is in a rage as he complains to David, Jay and Cal--who

can’t stop laughing. As they talk Cal, Jay, and David
occasionally break long fluorescent tubes for fun.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 36-37.
38 CONTINUED: 38

ANDY *
It was a very bad night. *

JAY *
My bad. Let me apologize to you for *
not mentioning in detail that when *
you pick up a drunk woman who is *
falling down on her way out of the *
bar that you should probably drive. *

ANDY *
I drive a bike. *

JAY *
Ok, Mr. Schwinn-fucking-Armstrong, *
who asked you to drive a bike. *

ANDY *
I’m not the only person in the *
world who rides a bike. *

CAL *
Yeah, everyone rides a bike...when *
they’re fucking six. *

ANDY *
This is over. *

JAY *
Let me just say, you are putting *
the pussy up on a pedestal. You are *
building the pussy up. *

ANDY *
What are you talking about? What *
does that mean? *

JAY *
You’re making the pussy into this *
great big greek goddess called *
“Pussilia” and you’re psyching *
yourself into thinking its some *
impossible feat. *

ANDY *
Yeah, that’s it. I’m putting the *
pussy up on a pedestal. Its *
pussilia, right? I don’t want to *
say the word anymore. *

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 37A.
38 CONTINUED: 38

JAY *
Say what word? *

ANDY *
Pussy. *

The guys finish breaking their light-bulbs and go back into

the store.

39 INT. SMART TECH - CONTINUOUS 39

The guys walk in through a back door. Right then a very

pretty forty three year-old WOMAN walks up to them. Her name
is TRISH.

ANDY
I thought you weren’t going to
pressure me, I thought you were the
sensitive one.

DAVID
I’m not. I’m the bitter one.

TRISH
Excuse me, can one of you help me?

The guys all look at the woman, and then at Andy.

DAVID
Uh, I’d love to, but I have a
customer I was just helping.

CAL
I don’t know anything about any of
this stuff.

JAY
I’ve just started my break. Our
stock supervisor, Andy, would love
to help you, though. He knows about
all the products. Have a fine day.
(to Andy)
That’s how its gotta be.

Jay, Cal and David leave Andy and Trish alone.

ANDY
Uh...

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 37B.
39 CONTINUED: 39

TRISH
Thank you so much. This won’t take
long.

ANDY
Okay.

TRISH
Hi, I’m Trish.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 38.
39 CONTINUED: 39

ANDY
Andy...is my name.

A40 INT. SMART TECH - LATER A40

Andy is nervously helping Trish. We see Paula walk by and

notice. Jay motions to her not to interrupt.

TRISH
This VCR looks good.

ANDY
You don’t want this VCR. Actually,
if I can be perfectly honest with
you, you don’t want any VCR, it’s
dead technology. It’s like getting
an 8-Track player or a Betamax
machine.

In the background we see Paula walking to Andy to stop him

from selling to a customer. David enters and pushes her off.

TRISH
Everything I own is on VHS.

ANDY
That’s how they get you. And as
soon as you get all the movies you
like on DVD, they’ll create a new
format, so you have to buy your
collection over again.

TRISH
That’s evil.

ANDY
Well, you can get the dual VCR/DVD
player, and that should work pretty
well for--

TRISH
About six months.

ANDY
If you’re lucky.

They both laugh.

TRISH
Then I guess it’s perfect.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 38A.
A40 CONTINUED: A40

TRISH
This place is great. I’ve never
been here before. I work just
right across the street.

ANDY
Really? Where at?

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 39.
A40 CONTINUED: A40

TRISH
It’s the “We Sell Your Stuff On E-
Bay” store.

ANDY
That’s the name?

TRISH
Yeah. I’ve been having trouble
thinking of a good name, so I went
with clarity.

ANDY
I don’t understand, you do what?

TRISH
You bring me stuff you don’t want,
and I “sell your stuff on e-bay.”

ANDY
Oh, that’s a great idea.

TRISH
I hope so. It’s not an original
idea. I saw some other stores like
it, and they seemed to be doing
well, so I’ll either make a lot of
money, or wind up homeless.

ANDY
But you don’t actually sell
anything in the store?

TRISH
No, I don’t.

ANDY
So, why do you even have a store?

TRISH
I don’t know. That’s a good
question. Maybe...to look
professional and not like some
crazy person that’s gonna steal
your shit.

Andy laughs.

TRISH
You should come by some time and
check it out.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 40.
A40 CONTINUED: A40

ANDY
Check out your empty store?

TRISH
Yeah. Here’s my number.

She gives him a card with her phone number on it.

ANDY
Why would I need your phone number
if you’re right across the street?

TRISH
I don’t have a good answer for
that. See ya, Andy.

She walks out of the store. Andy and Cal stare at her as she
exits. Jay walks over.

JAY
How’d that go?

ANDY
I think she gave me her number. I
mean, she gave me her number, but
does that mean she gave me her
number?

He hands the card to Jay, who smiles.

JAY
It does! Your first number. We
have got to celebrate!

40 INT. KARAOKE BAR - NIGHT 40

David, Cal, and Jay are drinking. Andy is drinking a Coke,

in a great mood.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 41.
40 CONTINUED: 40

JAY *
Give him some credit. The man *
pulled a number. *

ANDY *
I can’t believe that happened. *

JAY *
You just zoned in. *

ANDY *
Man, she just gave me her number. *

DAVID *
That’s great man. I’m telling you, *
love is a mysterious fig. *

ANDY *
Ok, here’s a question. When should *
I call her? *

DAVID *
You like her? *

ANDY *
Yeah. *

DAVID *
You definitely don’t want to call *
her. *

CAL *
When is the next olympics? *

JAY *
So what you just got to do is get a *
bunch of these hoodrats and run *
through them. And once you’ve *
slayed like twenty or thirty *
hoodrats, than you’re ready to move *
to the upper-eschelon type ho. *

ANDY *
I’m not a big ho-runner. *

DAVID *
My uncle used to drive a ho-runner. *

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 41A.
40 CONTINUED: 40

CAL *
Screw these analogies. What he’s *
saying is you are going to be so *
bad at sex you don’t want to have *
sex with someone you like because *
they are going to think you are a *
weirdo for being so lame at it. You *
want to have sex with “hoodrats” *
first so that by the time you get *
to have sex with a girl you do *
like, you won’t be terrible, just *
mediocre. Probably still pretty bad *
though. *

JAY *
Lets give it up for my man Andy for *
pulling that number. Politicking *
his ass off. *

41 INT. KARAOKE BAR - NIGHT 41

Andy is pushed on the stage.

MUSIC UP: “The First Time” from Zorba

Andy starts singing tentatively. As the sequence continues,

we cut back to him singing as he gains more and more
confidence.

ANDY’S FIRST TIME MONTAGE:

42 - Andy and the guys sit on the loading dock of Smart Tech 42
smoking pot out of an apple. Andy awkwardly hits it, letting
out a huge cloud of smoke. Everyone laughs. A security
guard walks nearby. Andy starts eating the apple furiously
to cover. Then we notice the security guard light a joint of
his own.

43 - Andy and the guys break into a construction site. They 43

take turns jumping off some scaffolding into a pile of
sawdust. As Andy sails through the air...

ANDY
I’m trespassing!!!!
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 42.

44 - ANDY AND THE GUYS ARE STANDING IN A LINE PEEING AGAINST 44

A WALL IN AN ALLEY. ANDY IS CONSTANTLY LOOKING TO SEE IF
SOMEBODY IS COMING.

45 OMITTED 45

46 - The guys have locked Andy in the soundproof surround 46

sound home screening room model in Smart Tech after closing.
Playing on the huge TV is a porno. Andy pounds on the door
trying to get out.

47 - Andy and the guys are in a bar. Andy walks up to a guy 47

and shoves him from behind. The guy turns around and grabs
Andy, putting him into a headlock. They wrestle to the ground
as Jay, Dave and Cal stand beside him cheering.

A48 EXT. ROOF OF SMART TECH - EVENING A48

It is a gorgeous night. We see the lights of Ventura

boulevard sparkling in the distance. They are all stoned.

DAVID
You must have gotten close, like
once.

ANDY
I got close a couple times. There
was this one time, when I was in
high-school, I was kissing this
girl on her chest, and I got a
bloody nose, and she looked down
and saw that her entire chest was
covered in blood-

JAY
What the fuck?

Everyone starts laughing hard, still high.

ANDY
(laughing)
People called me ‘Jack the Ripper’
for years.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 43.
A48 CONTINUED: A48

CAL
When I was thirteen, I’d never
really done anything with a girl,
and I was kissing this girl, and
she grabbed my penis, and I started
getting that feeling down there,
and I swear to god, I thought I was
gonna pee on her. I didn’t know
what would come out of me.

The guys laugh more.

DAVID
The first time I had sex, I was
sixteen, it was so short, it
literally lasted negative time. My
first three times put together
equaled a regular guy’s first time.

More hard laughing.

JAY
Check this out. I lost my virginity
when I was nine years old.

CAL
Nine years old? Who did you have
sex with? A priest?

JAY
No, there was this 14 year-old
babysitter my mom hired to look
after me, and I seemed fourteen.
And she got bored, so she made me
have sex with her all the time.

Andy starts laughing really hard. It’s as if that this story

is so weird, it lets him off the hook for how strange his
story is.

ANDY
You lost your virginity at nine?
I’m already thirty one years behind
you! At nine my mother wouldn’t
give me toys because they had sharp
edges. And you were doing the
nanny! You’re a bigger freak than
me.

Andy laughs even harder. He is literally losing it, laughing.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 44.
A48 CONTINUED: A48

CAL
(to Jay)
I think he’s dogging you.

DAVID
(in girl’s voice)
Snap!

JAY
Now you guys are making me feel
bad.

ANDY
How can you feel bad? You’ve been
having sex since you were nine!

Andy laughs even harder. It’s a perfect night.

B48 INT. ANDY’S APARTMENT - MORNING B48

Andy is cooking himself breakfast. He takes out his wallet

and stares at the business card he got from Trish. He looks
at the phone, but decides against calling. He puts the
business card on his fridge with a female comic book
character magnet, takes a deep breath, and continues cooking.

C48 INT. SMART TECH - LATER C48

Jay and Andy are talking.

ANDY *
What are you watching? *

JAY *
Dawn of the Dead. Store is slow. *
Paula’s out. Is Paula back? *

ANDY
No. Can I ask you something? Do you *
think I’m...good looking?

Jay gives him a long hard look.

JAY
Are you ready for my honest answer? *
Yes, I think you’re a good looking *
cat. I don’t think that anybody *
knows it and I don’t think anybody *
can see it. *

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 44A.
C48 CONTINUED: C48

ANDY *
Well, that’s why I’m asking you. *
You seem really well groomed. *

JAY *
You think this was an accident? *
You’ve got to highlight your *
attributes. You willing to make *
some sacrifices? *

ANDY *
Absolutely. *

JAY *
You see that whole Teen World thing *
you got going on? You just need to *
wax that right out. *

ANDY *
Does it hurt? *

JAY *
No, waxing doesn’t hurt. Not unless *
you’re a bitch. *
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 45.

D48 INT. HAIR WAXING STATION - DAY D48 *

Andy sits on the table. He is wearing a new hipper shirt

they must have bought him, and his hair looks better.

JAY
This is gonna be great. We’re gonna
pamper this boy. Start with a wax.
That will help illuminate your
definition. Plus, you got a boyish
face, it looks weird that you got a
gorilla body. You gotta even that
shit out.

An older ASIAN WOMAN enters.

ASIAN WOMAN
This is your first time having your
body waxed? Take off your shirt.

Andy takes his shirt off. His chest and back are wall to
wall hair.

ASIAN WOMAN
(calls to an assistant)
We’re gonna need more wax!

QUICK CUTS

*A WOMAN pours hot wax on his chest, lets it dry for a

moment, then RIPS it off -- leaving a huge strip of whiter-
than-white skin in the middle of his hairy chest.

ANDY
Son of a...!

ASIAN WOMAN
I stop now.

ANDY
No, I’m fine. Keep going.

*We see tears of pain coming down Andy’s face. This could
not hurt more. In between each removal of a strip of wax, he
curses at her, then apologizes.

*Finally Andy, red-faced and miserable.

ANDY
Okay, we’re done! Thank you. I’m
sorry for cursing.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 46.
D48 CONTINUED: D48

He gets up and starts putting on his shirt. Only two-thirds

of his body hair has been removed, and he looks insane.

ANDY *
This is not a good look for me! *

DAVID *
You look like a Man-O-Lantern. *

E48 INT. SMART TECH - DAY E48

Jay apologizes to Andy for chest waxing.

48 EXT. MINI MALL - DAY 48

Cal and Andy struggle as they carry a giant TV across the

mini mall. A WOMAN in her fifties, the customer, walks
nearby.

CAL
Look Andy, I owe you an apology,
ok, because I was a dick (because I
wasn’t very nice) to you for the
past two and a half years.

ANDY
You weren’t a dick. (You were nice
to me.)

CAL
I thought you were boring, or a
serial killer.

ANDY
No problem.

The guys accidently drop the TV.

WOMAN
Hey! (Jesus Christ!)

ANDY
I am sorry.

CAL
(to woman)
There’s a lot of padding
(packaging) in these, Ma’am. You
can’t break them if you tried.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 46A.
48 CONTINUED: 48

ANDY
This’ll be fine.

CAL
(to Andy)
You shouldn’t listen to Dave or
Jay. They don’t know what they’re
talking about. You should listen
to me. There’s a hot ass chick
(girl) in the bookstore. You
should ask her out.

The guys see Beth putting away books in the window. Her
thong underwear is showing.

ANDY
She seems nice. She’s got a little
problem with her underpants. You
know, I kind of like that woman
from the E-bay store.

CAL
That’s good. But you need to plant
more seeds.

They walk to the parking lot and put the woman’s television
in her car.

WOMAN
Thank you.

The woman gets in her car and drives away.

CAL
When I was growing pot, I realized
the more seeds I planted the more
pot I could ultimately smoke.

ANDY
I think I have all the advice I can
handle right now. My chest is still
bleeding.

CAL
Hey, we told you that was going to
hurt.

ANDY
No, actually, you said it wouldn’t.

CAL
Hey! Don’t get bitter!

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 46B.
48 CONTINUED: 48

ANDY
I’m not bitter, you almost ripped
my nipple off!

CAL
That was Jay’s idea. And I was
going to say anything, but waxing
your chest is the gayest thing you *
could do. I’m trying to be nice.
Looks don’t even matter. Exhibit A:
I am ugly as fuck. (butt-ass ugly)
But I get women, aren’t you curious
as to how that happens?

ANDY
I’m not ugly as fuck. (butt ass-
ugly)

CAL
I didn’t say you were! It doesn’t
matter if you’re ugly as fuck (butt
ass-ugly) or almost ugly as fuck
(butt ass-ugly). It’s about talking
to women, and I know how, because I
observe because I am a novelist.

ANDY
Really? You never told me that
before.

CAL
That’s because I’m not arrogant.
The problem that most guys have is
that they don’t know how to talk to
women.

ANDY
You know my problem? I am not
interesting. What am I supposed to
say? That I have the most extensive
Pez collection in North America?
Oh, that’s really sexy! Do me, Pez
Man!

CAL
No! Definitely don’t say that. But
are you ready for what you do say?
Nothing. Because the truth is,
women don’t care what you have to
say, and it makes you seem
mysterious.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 46C.
48 CONTINUED: 48

ANDY
So I just stand there and don’t say
anything?

CAL
No, you just ask them questions.
Put them on the spot. Don’t feel
bad for not amusing them. Make
them feel bad for not amusing you
more. The more insecure they feel,
the better shot you have. Here,
ask me a question.

ANDY
Where are you from?

CAL
I’m from the mainland, and I moved
north for a while, but now I moved
back here, and now we’re having a
three-way with my friend who’s even
hotter than me. And I’m hot.

ANDY
So that works?

CAL
Yeah. I have sex...with women.

ANDY
All right, we’re going to do this.
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 47-48.

49 INT. BOOKSTORE 49

CAL *
Just ask questions. That’s it. *
Because women do not care what you *
have to say anyway and all they *
want to do is talk about themselves *
so you’re just going to let them do *
that. So remember, questions, be *
cool, and be kind of a dick. Be *
David Caruso in Jade. *

ANDY *
Ok, I know exactly what you’re *
talking about. *

CAL *
There she is. Go plant that seed *
man. Plant it with your finger. *

Andy approaches the blonde woman. He looks at her badge, *

which says BETH on it. Cal watches from a few feet away as he
pretends to read a book. She turns and sees Andy. He acts
very confident.

BETH
Can I help you?

ANDY
I don’t know. Can you?

BETH
Are you looking for something?

ANDY
Is there something I should be
looking for?

BETH
We have a lot of books. It depends *
on what you like?

ANDY
What do you like?

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 49.
49 CONTINUED: 49

BETH
We have a great section of do-it- *
yourself. *

ANDY
Do you like to do-it-yourself? *

BETH
Sometimes, I mean if the mood *
strikes. *

ANDY
How is the mood striking you now? *

BETH
What’s your name? *

ANDY
What’s your name? *

BETH
I’m Beth. *

ANDY
Andy. *

BETH *
Don’t tell on me Andy, ok. *

ANDY *
I won’t. Unless you want to be told *
on, Beth. *

She blushes. He walks out, cock of the walk. Cal, who has
been listening, walks out after him.

50 EXT. BOOKSTORE - MOMENTS LATER 50

Andy and Cal walk out of the store. Andy looks excited.

ANDY
That totally worked. She found me
fascinating and I literally said
nothing.

CAL
I would have thought you were doing *
that for years. *

ANDY *
Should I have asked her out? *

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 49A.
50 CONTINUED: 50

CAL *
No, no. That’s the key, you wait *
for it to grow into a plant and *
then you fuck the plant. *

51 INT. ANDY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT 51

We see a telephone. It sits still, staring us in the face. WE

TURN AROUND to see Andy staring back at the phone, thinking.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 50.
51 CONTINUED: 51

ANDY
Okay. This is easy.
(practicing)
Hello, Trish. How are you? What
have you been doing? Good for you.
Tell me more about you.
(grabs the number off the
fridge)
Let’s do it.

He starts dialing, then stops, thinks, dials one more number,

then hangs up the phone. He gets up and starts pacing.

ANDY
Okay. Just do it. It’s easy. She
asked you to call her. She wants
you to.

He picks up and starts dialing again. He holds the phone up

to his ear as we hear the ringing on the other line.

TRISH
(on the phone)
Hello. Hello? Hello?

ANDY
(makes a weird voice)
Hello. I was wondering if you had
a few minutes to talk about your
laundry detergent.

TRISH
Are you at the top of a tall *
building, jump off. You people are *
sick. Why don’t you get a real job. *
Go shoot yourself in the fucking *
head. Get a knife and run into it. *

ANDY *
Ok. *

TRISH *
Ok, fuck your mother. *

She hangs up. Andy looks happy to have heard her voice and
relieved that this is over for the moment. The doorbell
rings. He opens the door. It is David.

DAVID
Hey man, I got a big box of porn
for you.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 50A.
51 CONTINUED: 51

ANDY
Hey. How did you know where I
live?

DAVID
It’s on the staff list at work.
Can I come in?

Andy lets David in. David is carrying a very large box.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 51.
51 CONTINUED: 51

DAVID
Sweet video game chair. *

ANDY
So what’s in the box? *

DAVID
It’s my personal collection of *
erotica. I’m giving it to you. I
thought it might help open *
pandora’s box. Amy and I used to *
watch “Hairy Twatter.” We would *
watch it and act it out together. *
She was adorable. Fucking bitch. *
*

ANDY
You know, this is really generous
of you, but I don’t really want a
box of porno in my apartment.

DAVID
(ignoring him)
There are some great ones in here.
Did you ever see “School of Rock?” *
Well this one is “School of- *

ANDY *
Oh. *

DAVID *
It stars Jack Blackcock. *

ANDY *
That makes sense. *

DAVID *
Oh, here it is. “Boner Jams ‘O3.” *
Its a mix tape I made of all these *
great scenes I was into in the *
summer of 2003. I think you’d *
really dig it. And this *
is....”Everybody Loves Raymond.” *
That’s just a good show. *

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 52.
51 CONTINUED: 51

ANDY
No, you don’t understand. I don’t
want this stuff. I don’t
really...do that...very much.

DAVID
What? Masturbate?

ANDY
Yes.

DAVID
Are you kidding me? I’ve jacked off
twice since we’ve been sitting
here. Why not?

ANDY
It’s just not a big hobby of mine.

DAVID
Well, it’s the only hobby you don’t
have.

ANDY
I just don’t feel comfortable
talking about it.

DAVID
They talk about it on sitcoms. It’s
beautiful. It’s about respecting
your humanistic urges. Andy, you
are like all of these action
figures in the original packaging.

David goes to pull a figure off a shelf. Andy squeals.

ANDY
I don’t want you to touch that! If
you open it, it will lose its
value.

DAVID
You gotta let it out of the box, so
you can play with it. *

ANDY
I would really like you to take
this with you.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 53.
51 CONTINUED: 51

DAVID
(screaming to the
neighbors)
Take what? It’s your box of porn.

ANDY
I don’t have a box of porn!

DAVID
Hey, Andy! Quit trying to give me
this big box of porn!!

Dave runs away as fast as he can. Andy quickly closes his

door, puts the box down, walks away, and then peeks out at
the box. He thinks for a moment--

52-56 OMITTED 52-56

CUT TO:

57 MUSIC UP: ‘TWO OUT OF THREE AIN’T BAD’ by MEATLOAF. 57

ANDY’S SOLO ROMANCE SEQUENCE:

- We see Andy lighting dozens of candles around his bedroom.

- He puts on his nicest pair of silk pajamas.
- Andy brushes his hair.
- He finishes perfectly making his bed and carefully slides
under the covers.

- He turns on the TV, flipping past several media figures.

Greta Van Sustren *CLICK* the woman from ‘Law and Order’
*CLICK* wild rams fighting. He lands on a very attractive
NEWS ANCHOR. He looks like he has found what he has been
looking for.

ATTRACTIVE ANCHOR
People are still unsure of the
source of the gastric-intestinal
virus, but sources tell us that it
will probably kill thousands before
flu season is over-

*CLICK* He shuts off the TV. He looks at a wall and slowly

closes his eyes.

58 ANDY’S FANTASY 58

Everything we see is from ANDY’S POV. We mainly see his feet

and the end of the bed.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 53A.
58 CONTINUED: 58

Suddenly Beth walks to the end of the bed wearing a sexy

outfit, but when she opens her mouth to talk, Andy’s voice
comes out.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 54.
58 CONTINUED: 58

BETH
(Andy’s voice)
I wanna have sex with you. I am
going to give it to you good. I am
going to really have sex with you a
lot.

Andy shakes his head, disturbed. Beth starts talking in her

own voice.

BETH
Hey, sexy. Look at my butt. You can
touch it if you want. These are my
breasts. I have one on the left and
one on the right. You are the best
sex person on earth.

Andy shakes it off. Beth vanishes. Andy regroups and slowly

closes his eyes again. When he opens them, there is an
AMAZINGLY SEXY WOMAN standing in front of him in lingerie.
It is the NEWSWOMAN from a moment ago.

AMAZINGLY SEXY NEWSWOMAN

Hey, Andy. This just in--I want you
to do me. Give it to me hard and
long...and don’t screw it up!!
DON’T SCREW IT UP!

Andy shakes it off again, the woman disappearing. He closes

his eyes again. This time, Andy’s MOTHER walks to the edge of
the bed.

ANDY’S MOTHER
Don’t do it!! (Here’s an action
figure)

Andy shakes it off again. He closes his eyes. He sees Trish.

TRISH
What is wrong with you? How can you
be a virgin if you’re forty years,
eleven months and three days old?

Andy shakes her off. A topless VIVID VIDEO PORN STAR comes
into the room.

PORN STAR
Hey Andy. You like these boobs? Do
you want to not have sex and just
sit beside each other and play
video games all night?

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 55.
58 CONTINUED: 58

ANDY (OS)
Yes. More than anything.

PORN STAR
I completely understand. Sex is so
overrated.

59 INT. ANDY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT 59

Andy is sitting cross-legged on the floor playing video

games.

60-61 OMITTED 60-61

A62 INT. SMART TECH - DAY A62

David invites Andy out to lunch.

62 INT./EXT. RESTAURANT - DAY 62

Andy, Cal, David and Jay walk into a restaurant.

ANDY
Thanks for taking me out to lunch.

JAY
It’s our pleasure.

About thirty guys are standing on one side of the room, and
thirty women on the other. Andy stops in his tracks when he
notices a huge banner hanging that reads, “WELCOME SPEED-
DATERS.”

ANDY
What’s going on in here?

A GUY with a microphone stands in front of the group.

GUY
Hi everyone, welcome to “Hurry up
and Date.” If this is your first
time, here’s how it works--

ANDY
Should we go to another restaurant?

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 55A.
62 CONTINUED: 62

GUY
The women sit at the tables, the
guys get two minutes at each table,
and then you switch. Fill out who
you liked on your scorecards and
we’ll put you in touch with your
matches.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 56.
62 CONTINUED: 62

ANDY
Why are you guys ignoring me?

Dave slaps a name-tag on Andy’s chest.

DAVID
Alright Ninja Master. We’ve given
you all the advice we have to give.
Now it is time to put it into
action.

ANDY
But you guys don’t even agree with
each other’s advice.

JAY
Don’t worry. There’s no pressure.
Stop whining like a bitch. You are *
about to cram ten year of pimpage *
in to one day. *

ANDY
I don’t want to cram pimpage. *

JAY *
After that, you’re on my level. *

Jay puts on his name-tag. It says “Dr. Montalban.” *

CAL *
Remember, just ask questions. *

The BUZZER goes off. Jay shoves Andy towards a table. The
woman at the table sees Andy.

WOMAN#1
Hi. Have a seat.

Andy awkwardly sits down. Then remembers some training.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 57.
62 CONTINUED: 62

ANDY
Hi. How are you?

WOMAN#1
I’m fine.

ANDY
Are you fine?

WOMAN#1
Yup. I’m fine.

ANDY
Are you?

WOMAN#1
Yeah.

ANDY
So, you are fine?

WOMAN#1
Are you retarded? What the hell’s
the matter with you?

ANDY *
Do you want me to be fucking *
retarded? *

BUZZER GOES OFF

All of the people move one table over, switching partners. *

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 58.
62 CONTINUED: 62

BUZZER

ON JAY’S TABLE

Jay is talking to a VERY YOUNG WOMAN. They are getting along

great.

JAY
Well, being a doctor is a lot of
pressure, but when I see the
smiling faces of the children of
the people I help, and they say,
‘Thank you, Dr. Montalban,’ it’s
all worth it.

BUZZER

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 59.
62 CONTINUED: 62

BUZZER

ON DAVID’S TABLE

David sits down at a table and sees his ex-girlfriend, AMY.

He looks shocked.

AMY
David.

DAVID
Amy. What are you doing here? *

ON ANDY’S TABLE *

Andy is sitting across from GINA. *

ANDY *
And you are Gina (like Jeena)? *

GINA *
Gina (like vagina). What’s up? I’m *
going to be honest with you. Its *
been a long time since I’ve been *
with a man. I’ve spent a lot of *
time with the ladies. Looking to *
get back on that pogo stick. You *
know what I’m saying. *

ANDY *
Excuse me? *

ON DAVID’S TABLE *

DAVID *
Remember that time when we made *
love and you cried in my arms? *

AMY *
Please don’t reminisce about the *
times we fucked. Please. Its so *
creepy. *

DAVID *
Lets go to Paris. I want to take *
you underneath the Eiffel Tower *
make love to you. *

AMY *
Cut it out. *

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 59A.
62 CONTINUED: 62

DAVID *
Cut what out? *

AMY *
This “go to Paris” stuff. We’ve *
been broken up for two years. I *
don’t want to date you anymore. *

DAVID *
You’re a whore. *

AMY *
I’m not a whore just because I *
didn’t like you. *

DAVID *
This is so “us.” *

AMY *
Pyscho talk. *

ON ANDY’S TABLE *

GINA *
You’re a good looking man. *

ANDY *
Thank you. *

GINA *
Very pretty. Real soft delicate *
features. Feminine, which is good *
for me because that would be a *
simple sort of transition. Maybe *
throw a little rouge on you, tuck *
your sac back. You game? *

ANDY *
No. *
*

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 60.
62 CONTINUED: 62

ON CAL’S TABLE *

Cal is in a heated argument with Amy.

CAL
I want you to just stop screwing
around with my friend. Just cut it
clean! You’re leading him on, and
you’re driving him crazy! Stop
giving him hope!

AMY
How am I giving him hope? I changed
my email, my phone-number, and I
moved! He’s practically stalking
me!!

BUZZER

Andy is across from a BIG-BREASTED WOMAN. *

ANDY *
I love Minnesota *

BIG-BREASTED WOMAN *
I grew up in a town of like 500 *
people. It was really small. *

ANDY *
Yeah, its like the land of a *
thousand lakes. *

BIG-BREASTED WOMAN *
What about you? You’re used to a *
really big city. *

A breast pops out of the woman’s shirt. She doesn’t notice. *

BIG-BREASTED WOMAN *
The town I grew up in was really *
small. A girl could walk from one *
end of town to the other and feel *
completely safe. *
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 61.

63 63 *
We see Jay and Cal slowly walk out with huge smiles on their *
faces having had a good time. A long moment later, we see
Dave stumbling out, drunk as hell and smoking a cigarette.
Andy walks out next to him. *
*

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 62-63.
63 CONTINUED: 63

64 INT. SMART TECH - A LITTLE LATER 64

The store is packed as customers mill around, shopping. Andy

is standing in his window when Jay and his girlfriend Jill
(holding the speed-dating card) walks up to Andy.

JILL
Are you Andy?
*

JILL
(holding score card out)
Is this yours? Did you write this
stuff?

Andy looks confused.

JAY
Andy, Jill found your speed dating
card that you gave to me, and she
thinks it’s mine. Will you just
tell her the truth? That it’s
yours.

ANDY
Uh...yeah. Sure. That’s mine.
Thanks for holding it for me, Jay.

JILL
(looking at card)
So, you actually wrote that one
girl looked like she was “hurtin’
for a squirtin’?”

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 64.
64 CONTINUED: 64

ANDY
Uh...

JILL
And you wrote that she was a “ho fo *
sho” *

ANDY
Yeah, I remember that girl. She was *
a ho...for show. *

JILL
You are never gonna meet somebody
with that kind of mentality about
women, you sick son of a bitch. *

ANDY *
Who the fuck are you to put me on *
trial? I’ve never even met you. So *
why don’t you back the shit off and *
stop with the inquisition. *

JILL *
That’s how you talk? *

ANDY *
I don’t have to answer to you. You *
ain’t my bitch. Know what I saying? *

JILL *
(to Jay)
You shouldn’t hang out with this
pervert.

JAY *
I know. We were just trying to help
him...get him to meet some nice
people, he embarrassed himself. I *
don’t mess with him baby. *

ANDY *
You should keep your ho on a leash. *

JAY *
Hey, I can’t let you be talking to *
my woman like dog. *

ANDY *
Hey, bitch is running wild. *

Jay and Jill walk towards the exit. Jay sneaks a look back at
Andy and gives him a big thumbs up.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 64A.
64 CONTINUED: 64

As Jay leaves, he passes Dave, who looks pretty drunk, as he

tries to sell a GUY a camcorder.

DAVID
Let me show you how this device
works.

GUY
I don’t need to see--

DAVID
Watch. You can make a video diary.

Dave starts filming himself. The image appears on a huge wall

of flat screens behind him.

DAVID
(into camera)
Hello, Amy. I hope you’re happy,
‘cause I’ve never been happier in
my entire life.

He pulls his pants down and points the camera at his ass.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 65.
64 CONTINUED: 64

DAVID
You see this? You can say good-bye
to this! Because it’s officially
over and I am awesome with that.
Check me out. I’m partying! I’m the
coolest guy ever. Whooo!!! *

ANGLE ON: Paula and Andy. *

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 66.
64 CONTINUED: 64

PAULA
I’m gonna send David home for the
day and I want you to fill in for
him.

ANDY
Selling things?

PAULA
Yes, Andy. Selling things. You’re
gonna have to talk to people. I
know that’s kind of a frightening
concept to you, but I think you can
handle it. I saw you sell a VCR to
a woman a few days ago, so get to
it.

ANDY
Okay.

PAULA
And by the way. Put your penis in a
vagina so business can get back to
normal.

Andy tentatively walks out onto the floor. Jay returns and
walks up to Andy.

JAY
You see Dave? He’s lost his shit,
man.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 67.
64 CONTINUED: 64

ANDY
I know. They’re sending him home
and making me replace him.

JAY
Alright. The showroom floor is the
ultimate aphrodisiac. Just pick the
finest honey and try to sell her
something.

Andy takes a deep breath, nods and heads out onto the floor.
He sees a gorgeous blonde looking at stereos. We walks toward
her with a look of determination. As he gets within five
feet, he gets a nervous look, starts walking faster, and
turns a corner. He walks up to an OLD MAN.

In the background, we see all the TV’s switch to Michael

MacDonald live in concert. We see Dave react with distress.
Paula approaches and we see but do not hear them as they get
in a big argument that ends with Dave knocking over a stand
of pamphlets and storming out of the store. Jay and Cal watch
Andy waiting attending to the old man.

JAY
He’s never gonna do this willingly.
I think we need to...facilitate
things a little more.

CAL
You’re right. He’ll thank us later.

65 INT. ANDY’S APARTMENT - EVENING 65

Andy is playing video games when his phone rings. He answers.

ANDY
(into phone)
Hello?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. SMART TECH - CONTINUOUS

Jay is talking on the phone with Andy.

JAY
Yo. We noticed that you were a
little spooked today.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 67A.
CONTINUED:

ANDY
Yeah, I’m just getting really
confused.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 68.
CONTINUED:
ANDY (cont'd)
David wants me to masturbate and
avoid the woman I like till I have
sex with someone else, you want me
to not follow my instincts and Cal
wants me to plant seeds and ask
questions. I don’t know what to
do.

JAY (O.S.)
(through phone)
Well, you covered my ass today with
Jill, you helped me out, so I’m
gonna help you out. I’m gonna cheer
you up. Tonight I am having a party
at that hotel next to Fudruckers.
Room 313. It’s gonna be earth-
shattering. Be there. Are you
free?

ANDY
I think so.

JAY (O.S.)
I was kidding. I know you’re free.

WE REVEAL Mooj and Haziz standing next to Jay, eavesdropping.

HAZIZ
Hey Montel, how come we aren’t *
invited to you party. What are we *
Al-Qeada? *

JAY
You won’t like this party!

MOOJ *
Go fuck a goat! *

66 OMITTED 66

67 INT. HOLIDAY INN HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER 67

Andy walks down the hallway looking for the room. When he
finds it, the door is cracked open. He enters.

68 INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT 68

Andy looks around the suite. There is nobody in sight.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 68A.
68 CONTINUED: 68

ANDY
Hello.

He turns to leave. A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMAN comes out of the

bedroom.

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
Hello.

ANDY
Are you here for Jay’s party?

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
Yes. I am Jay’s party. *

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 69-72.
68 CONTINUED: 68

70 INT. SMART TECH - NEXT MORNING 70

Andy walks over to Jay, David and Cal.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 73.
70 CONTINUED: 70

ANDY
Hiring a transvestite prostitute *
isn’t helping me man! *

JAY
What? Ain’t nobody hire a *
transvestite. *

ANDY *
She was really nice incidentally. *

JAY *
I tell you what. That must have
been the Mona Lisa of
transvestites. *

DAVID
Does she owe us one? I mean she
took the money.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 74.
70 CONTINUED: 70

CAL
You are in a a dark place. She had *
a dick man. *

ANDY *
Do you guys even like me or is this *
some sort of cruel joke? *

Beth is walking outside of the home theater room browsing

with a FRIEND from work. She sees the guys arguing, but does
not hear the words. From her point of view it looks like
Andy is bossing them around, and she finds it very
attractive. *

BETH *
Look at him. He is such a bad ass. *
He looks just like Luke Wilson. *

BACK ON ANDY *

JAY *
How do you know she was a guy? *

ANDY *
Because her hands were as big as *
Andre the Giants and she has an *
Adam’s Apple as big as her balls. *

JAY *
So you have no proof? *

ANDY *
Just leave me alone or I’m going to *
tell Paula that you’re all stealing *
the recordable CD’s. *

JAY/DAVE/CAL *
Whoah! *

CAL *
We did this because we’re your *
friends and we didn’t think you had *
the balls to do it yourself. *

ANDY *
Oh, well watch this. *

Andy storms out. *

JAY *
Hey Andy, that’s a third strike for *
me. *
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 75.

71 EXT. MINI-MALL - CONTINUOUS 71 *

Andy walks out the front door, a man on a mission. He goes

down the escalator and runs across the street towards the “We
Sell Your Stuff On E-Bay Store.”

72 INT. WE SELL YOUR STUFF ON E-BAY STORE - MOMENTS LATER 72

Andy walks through the doors of the small store, which

basically consists of a counter with a few chairs and a
computer. When Trish sees Andy, she lights up.

TRISH
Andy! Hey!

ANDY *
Right, you remember my name. *

TRISH *
How are you doing? *

ANDY *
Great. I like your store. *

TRISH *
Yeah, look around. *

ANDY
Do you want to go out with me
sometime?

TRISH
Yeah. Sure. I’d love to. I think
I’m free this weekend, but if you
call me tomorrow, we can figure it
out for sure.

Andy looks shocked at how easy that was.

ANDY
Great. Perfect. I’ll call you
tomorrow.

A CUSTOMER walks up holding glittered high heels with fish *

tank soles. *

CUSTOMER
(to Andy) *
Congratulations. *

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 75A.
72 CONTINUED: 72

TRISH *
Can I help you? *

CUSTOMER *
(holding up the shoes) *
These are wonderful. *

TRISH
They are great. I don’t actually *
sell anything here. *

CUSTOMER
I don’t get it. *

ANDY *
Ok, good luck to you and to you *
and I’ll call you tomorrow. *

Andy leaves. *

CUSTOMER *
Ok, so I’ll just give you some *
money for these and I’ll take them *
home. *

TRISH *
I know it seems very easy. *

CUSTOMER *
Yes, but you’re making it really *
difficult. I just want to get these *
back to my house so I can wear *
them. *
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 76.
72 CONTINUED: 72
CUSTOMER (cont'd)
*

74 INT. ANDY’S APARTMENT - DAY 74

Dave and Cal sitting on Andy’s floor playing video games. *

Dave looks better. *

DAVID *
...celibacy is the answer to all *
our problems. Andy had it right *
all along. Look at him. He looks *
younger than all of us and he’s ten *
years older. That’s because he *
hasn’t had a relationship. No she- *
devil has sucked out his life force *
yet. *

Andy is in his bathroom. He calls Trish. *

TRISH *
Hello? *

ANDY *
Hi, is this Trish? *

TRISH *
Who’s calling please? *

ANDY *
It’s Andy. *

TRISH *
Hi Andy. How are you doing? *

ANDY *
I’m doing great. *

BACK ON CAL AND DAVID *

CAL *
So you’re gay now? *

DAVID *
No, I’m not gay, I’m just celibate. *

CAL *
That sounds gay. I just want you to *
know that this is like the first *
conversation of three conversations *
that leads to you being gay. *
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 76A.
74 CONTINUED: 74
CAL (cont'd)
There’s this and then in a year *
“you know I kind of want to get *
back out there, but I think I like *
guys” and then there’s the big “I’m *
a gay guy now.” *

DAVID *
You’re gay for saying that. You *
know how I know you’re gay? *

CAL *
How? How do you know I’m gay? *

DAVID *
Because you macrame’d yourself a *
pair of jean shorts. *

CAL *
You know how I know you’re gay? You *
just told me you’re not sleeping *
with women anymore. *

DAVID *
You know how I know you’re gay? *

CAL *
Because you’re gay and you can tell *
who other gay people are. *

DAVID *
You know how I know you’re gay? You *
like Coldplay. *

BACK ON ANDY *

ANDY *
So I also wanted to call to see *
what night you wanted to go out? *

TRISH *
It actually turns out I’m free
tonight. *

ANDY *
Oh, well I was actually thinking *
about this weekend, but ok. *

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 76B.
CONTINUED:

TRISH *
Great, what time do you wanna pick *
me up?
*

ANDY
Uh...actually, that’s kind of a
problem, because I drive a bike.

TRISH
Oh, that’s cool, I don’t mind *
getting on the back of a
motorcycle. My boyfriend in *
college rode a motorcycle, so I’m *
cool. *

ANDY
Yeah, I bet that was cool. *
Actually, I ride a bicycle.

BACK ON CAL AND DAVID *

DAVID *
You know how I know you’re gay? *

CAL *
How? *

DAVID *
You like the movie “Maid in *
Manhattan.” *

CAL *
You know how I know you’re gay. I *
saw you make a spinach dip in a *
loaf of sourdough bread once. *

DAVID *
You know how I know you’re gay? You *
have a rainbow bumper sticker on *
your car that says “I love it when *
balls are in my face.” *

CAL *
That’s gay? *
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 77.
CONTINUED:
CAL (cont'd)
*

Cal beats David at the video game. Andy comes into the room. *

ANDY
Guys! She’s picking me up in an
hour.

CAL
Wait, she’s picking you up here? *

ANDY
Yeah. *

CAL *
That’s fucked up man. *

ANDY *
Why? *

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 78.
CONTINUED:

CAL
Look around. You gotta see this
apartment through the eyes of a
woman.
(doing girl voice)
Oh look! He’s got a billion action *
figures and more video games than a *
teen-aged Asian kid. Is that the *
Six-Million Dollar Man’s boss? *

ANDY *
Yeah, that’s Oscar Goldman. *

CAL *
Why do you have that? *

ANDY *
That’s much more valuable than *
Steve Austin. *

CAL *
That may be the case, but none of *
this shit is sexy. *

ANDY *
I’m not trying to be sexy man. *

CAL *
I mean the Asia poster. You framed *
an Asia poster. *

DAVID *
You know how I know you’re gay? *
You like Asia. *

ANDY *
You guys, cool it with the gay? *
She’s on her way over here. *

CAL *
Ok, we just take everything that’s *
embarrassing and we move it out of *
here so it doesn’t look like you *
live in Neverland Ranch. *

75 EXT. ANDY’S APARTMENT - DAY 75

We see a finger come into frame and ring the doorbell. REVEAL
Trish standing outside Andy’s apartment.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 78A.
75 CONTINUED: 75

Andy answers the door. Trish catches a glimpse inside Andy’s

apartment and sees that it is COMPLETELY EMPTY. There is
literally nothing in the room at all.

TRISH
Hi. Did you just move in here?

ANDY
Uh...no. I’m getting new carpet put
in tomorrow.

TRISH *
It looks good with the floors. *

ANDY *
Yeah, I should tear up the hardwood *
and see if there’s carpet *
underneath. That’s never the case. *

76 INT. BENIHANA - NIGHT 76

Andy and Trish are sitting together having drinks at a table

that also has a loud greek family celebrating a birthday at
it.

TRISH
That’s so funny that we work so
close to each other and have never
met.

ANDY
Well, it’s not that weird. I work
in a stock room. I don’t see that
many people. I just talked to a
guy the other day for the first
time, and we had been working
together for four years.

TRISH
This is gonna be fun, I’ve never
been here before, I drive by here
every day.

ANDY
Glad you came.

TRISH *
You know I never go out with nice *
guys like you. I think I’ve avoided *
nice guys like you my whole life at *
my own peril. My last boyfriend *
drank a lot. *

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 78B.
76 CONTINUED: 76

ANDY *
This is just punch. *

The GREEK FATHER calls over a WAITRESS.

GREEK FATHER
Excuse me, miss, can you assemble
your team and sing Happy Birthday
for my daughter?
*

The waitress assembles the rest of the staff and they start
loudly singing happy birthday in Japanese.

ANDY *
Happy Birthday. *

TRISH *
What? Oh, it his birthday too. Can *
you sing for Andy? *

The staff sings to Andy. *

ANDY *
(to Trish) *
Thanks a lot. *

Trish kisses Andy on the cheek. *

CUT TO:
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 79-80.

78 INT. TRISH’S BEDROOM- LATER THAT NIGHT 78 *

*

Andy gets under the covers with all his clothes on and kisses
Trish. He seems to be getting the hang of it. There is a
lot of pent-up energy there.

TRISH
Wow, you really like kissing.

ANDY
I do.

TRISH
Take off your pants. *

ANDY
Really? Wow, this is really going *
to happen. *

TRISH
Yes, thank god. *

ANDY
Me neither.

Andy takes his pants off, but strangely, leaves on his shirt.
Probably to cover his bad wax job. *

TRISH
Do you have protection?

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 81.
78 CONTINUED: 78

ANDY
I don’t like guns. *

She reaches into the drawer in the end table and pulls out a
small whicker basket filled with condoms.

TRISH
Put one of these on. They’re from
when I was married. I think they
still work. Check the expiration
dates. We didn’t have sex that *
often. That’s why there are so *
many. *

Trish goes into the bathroom as Andy stares at the basket,

not sure what to do. He has never worn a condom. He slowly
takes one out. He reaches under the sheets, and we can’t see
what he is doing but it is obvious that he is tearing the
wrapper open and attempting to put the condom on.

Something goes wrong. He struggles.

ANDY
(calling to Trish)
It tore. I’m taking another one.

He grabs another one. The same thing happens. For reasons

which are not clear, he can not figure out how to get this
condom on properly. Andy attempts this many more times. In
quick cuts we see him struggle with at least a dozen condoms
as he gets more and more frustrated with this process. Each
time he fails, he tosses the condom and the wrapper on the
floor next to him.

ANDY
Do you mind is I use your magnum? *

He tries again. Blows air into one. He tries to put it on.

We hear a loud pop. Suddenly, THE DOOR OPENS - THE LIGHTS GO
ON.

MARLA
What is going on in here?!

We reveal Trish’s sixteen year-old daughter, MARLA. Standing

next to her is her boyfriend MARK.

TRISH *
Oh god! *

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 82.
78 CONTINUED: 78

MARLA
Who the hell are you?!

TRISH *
This is Andy. *

ANDY
I’m Andy.

Angle on: A stack of condoms and torn wrappers.

ANGLE ON MARLA - STARING AT THEM. Then, Trish comes back in

the room, shocked to see Marla.

MARLA
What are you doing? I can’t
believe you are allowed to have sex
but I’m not! That is sooo
unfair!!!

TRISH *
Marla, get the fuck out of my room. *

MARLA *
How many times did you just do it? *

She slams the door and exits.

ANDY
I should go.

TRISH
No, it’s okay. I’m so sorry. *

ANDY
No, I should.

Andy gets out of bed and begins putting his clothes on. A *
condom gets stuck to his foot which he must peel off.

MARK
(referring to condom pile)
Dude, teach me. *

He runs out.

79 INT. ANDY’S BATHROOM - MORNING 79

Andy wakes up then heads into the bathroom. He sits down to

pee.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 82A.
79 CONTINUED: 79

After a moment, pee comes straight up in the air and hits him
in the eye. He quickly adjusts himself and wipes his head
off.
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 83.

80 INT. SMART TECH - DAY 80

Andy is selling a stereo to a MAN. There are pretty girls in

the store, but Andy has let the other salesmen handle them.
Paula walks over to Andy.

PAULA
Andy, you are a terrific salesman. *
So I want you on that floor full *
time. We’re going to get you the *
blue shirt and the tie. *

ANDY
Oh thanks. *

PAULA
You know Andy, I’ve been thinking *
about your problem. I might have a *
solution for you. You ever hear of *
the term “fuck buddy.” *

ANDY *
What? *

PAULA *
Its a special friend who you fuck. *

ANDY *
No. I haven’t heard that term. *

PAULA *
When I was a little girl, I *
developed early. By the time I was *
fourteen years old, I had this body *
you’re looking at. Can you imagine *
that? *

ANDY *
I don’t want to. *

PAULA *
Well needless to say, there was a *
lot of male attention. *

ANDY *
I bet. *

PAULA *
Especially from our Guatemalan *
gardener, Javier. *
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 83A.
80 CONTINUED: 80
PAULA (cont'd)
You know Javier, before he made *
passionate yet gentle love to me *
for the first time he serenaded me *
with a beautiful old guatemalan *
love song. *

ANDY *
Really. That’s nice. *

Paula sings a short spanish song. *

Andy could not look more disturbed. *

PAULA
Wooh, my goodness. I think we ought *
to get back to work. So you mull it *
over Andy. *

ANDY *
Ok. *

Andy walks over to the guys. In the BG, we see Dave sleeping *
on a couch, and Paula kicks his feet to wake him up.

JAY
How’d it go, man?

ANDY
Oh. It was a disaster.

CAL
Really?

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 84.
80 CONTINUED: 80

ANDY
Yeah. It couldn’t have been more
embarrassing. I couldn’t get the
condoms to work. One exploded on *
my balls. Then her kid came in the *
room.

JAY
Kid?! She was hiding a kid from *
you? *

ANDY
Yeah. And thank God, because it was *
going downhill from there. *

JAY *
Listen, you don’t want no baby-dady *
drama. Trust me on this one. For *
all you know he’s in prison right *
now. Let’s say your living *
together. Next thing you know *
you’re the one going on the 1st and *
the 15th to pick up the goverment *
checks. What if he’s got boys that *
are on the outside and they’re *
stalking you? You’ve got to think *
partner. *

ANDY *
What the fuck are you talking *
about? *

CAL
Here’s what you do, you tell her *
you’re a virgin. You test her with *
that shit. Here, tell me. This is *
how its going to go. *

ANDY *
I’m a virgin. *

CAL *
Sweet. I like that because you *
don’t have chlamydia and I know *
that. And that shit is everywhere. *

ANDY *
What if she laughs at me? *

CAL *
Then you punch her in the fucking *
head. *

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 84A.
80 CONTINUED: 80

ANDY *
I’m not going to punch her in the *
fucking head. She’s really sweet. *

CAL *
You punch her in the fucking *
head...emotionally. *

ANDY *
She’s different. She’s someone I *
felt I had a connection with. *

JAY
All your trying to do right now is *
bust off this first nut. You’ve got *
a whole lot of semen backed up in *
you right now- *

ANDY *
I’m going to tell her. *

CAL *
You should totally tell her. I *
watched this movie called “Liar, *
Liar” and the message was “don’t *
lie.” And that was a smart movie. *

ANDY *
Yeah, its the right thing. *

Jay walks away.

ANDY
You really think that would work?

CAL
Somebody once told me this, and I
think it’s probably bullshit, but,
honesty is the best...philosophy,
or some shit like that.

81 EXT. ANDY’S APARTMENT - EVENING 81

Andy waits to get picked up by Trish. Joe (his old neighbor)

steps out.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 85.
81 CONTINUED: 81

JOE
Hey Andy! You gonna watch Survivor
tonight?

ANDY
Nope. I’m having dinner with
someone.

Andy sees Trish’s car pulling up.

ANDY
Tape it for me.

He hops in her car and they drive away.

82 OMIT 82

83 INT. SUSHI RESTAURANT - NIGHT 83

Andy and Trish are having dinner. Andy is a little more

confident than earlier in the film. His confrontation with
the guys has put him in a different head space.

TRISH
I am sorry I didn’t tell you I had
kids.

ANDY
Well, you should be. That’s a
pretty big deal, don’t you think?

TRISH
I know.

ANDY
Why wouldn’t you tell me something
like that?

TRISH
Well, most guys don’t want to go
out with someone who has kids.

ANDY
Why? Kids are great. I love kids.
People don’t like kids?

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 86.
83 CONTINUED: 83

TRISH
Some people see them as an
inconvenience.

ANDY
That doesn’t make any sense. Kids
are fun.

TRISH
They are. I have two of them.

ANDY
How old are they?

TRISH
Six, sixteen, and...twenty one.

ANDY
That’s three.

TRISH
Oh. Is it?

She laughs.

TRISH
And one of them has a kid. A one
year-old.

ANDY
That must be so much fun.

Andy has clearly never had sushi. He chews it like a dog

with peanut butter in his mouth.

TRISH
Sometimes it’s heaven and other
times...well let’s just say it
doesn’t bring out the best in me.
My sixteen year-old daughter, she
must be karmic payback for all the
hell I put my mom through.

ANDY
Well...I’m sure she’s just...
confused.

TRISH
She’s not the only one. I mean, my
six year-old is easy-- at least for
the next seven years. Then she’ll
grow boobs and turn on me too.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 87.
83 CONTINUED: 83

ANDY
(laughs)
Oh, come on.
(beat)
I’m really glad we are doing this.

TRISH
Me too. Now...look, Andy. I don’t
want to send you running for the
hills or anything, but...I really
just feel like if we decide to do
this again, we should hold off on
the...physical part for a while.

ANDY
Yeah. That’s a good idea. I agree
with that.

TRISH
Really? No sex?

ANDY
Yeah. I’ve learned from personal
experience that sex can really
complicate things when what we
should be focusing on is just
getting to know each other.

TRISH
Are you serious?

ANDY
Look at my face.

Andy jokingly makes a serious face.

TRISH
Every guy would say “yeah” right
now, but by the third date...all of
a sudden it’s, “Baby, I need to
physically express how I feel” and
all that bullshit.

ANDY
No, I’m serious. Forget three
dates, I’ll wait ten dates.

TRISH
How about fifteen?

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 88.
83 CONTINUED: 83

ANDY
I see your fifteen and raise you
five! Twenty! No matter how much
you beg, no sex until twenty, and
then...just maybe.

They both laugh.

84 INT. TRISH’S HOUSE - LATER 84

Andy and Trish are making out on the couch. They hear
someone unlocking the door and quickly stop. Her daughter,
Marla, comes inside with Trish’s six year-old daughter JULIA.

MARLA
(covers eyes)
Is it safe to come in or are you
doing it?

TRISH
It’s safe. Marla, Julia. This is
Andy.

MARLA
Yes, we’ve met.

Julia nods shyly.

ANDY
Hi.

MARLA
We came home because we got bored
and couldn’t think of anything else
to do, and we assumed you would be
done by now. Eww! Mom! Your chin
is all red.

TRISH
Be nice.

ANDY
Hey, Julia. Let me show you
something.

Andy reaches behind Julia’s ear and pulls out a quarter.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 89.
84 CONTINUED: 84

JULIA
Wow! I love magic.

ANDY
Well, watch this.

Andy reaches behind Julia’s ear and pulls out a comedically

oversized quarter. Julia laughs. Andy reaches behind her
ear again, but this time he pulls out a rubber ear and shows
it to her.

JULIA
That’s amazing!

MARLA
So that means that you walk around
with a rubber ear in your pocket
all day? That’s insane.

TRISH
I think it’s cute.

ANDY
Well, I should probably get going.

He goes to the door.

TRISH
Don’t you need me to drive you
home?

ANDY
Oh, yeah.

85 OMITTED 85
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 90.

86 OMITTED 86

87 INT. ANDY’S APARTMENT - LATER 87

Andy is on the phone talking to Cal.

ANDY
It was incredible. She was amazing.
She didn’t put any pressure on me.
She just accepts me.

CAL
I told you it would happen.

ANDY
And she has three kids, and one of
her kids actually has a kid.

CAL
So she’s a grandma?

ANDY
No.

CAL
Well, if her kid has a kid, then
she’s a grandma.

ANDY
Yeah, I guess.
(beat)
At some point we’re probably going
to have sex. Do you think I will
change? Does it change you?

CAL
Change? What do you mean?
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 91.

A88 INT. ANDY’S APARTMENT (FANTASY) - NIGHT A88

MUSIC UP: LOUD OFFENSIVE RAP MUSIC

We find Andy lying in bed with about a dozen naked girls of

all different nationalities. His is smoking a massive Philly
blunt as the women caress his chest. He has gold chains, some
gold teeth, and he looks really run down.

ANDY
I gotta hit the streets. This crack
ain’t ‘gonna sell itself.

Andy gets out of bed.

GIRL
No, pappi. Come back to bed, we
need your sweet love, baby.

ANDY
You and Sharri keep each other busy
till I get back. But save a piece
for me.

And reaches into his pocket and pulls out a huge wad of cash.

ANDY
This’ll keep ya warm ‘till I get
back.

He tosses the cash at the women, bills flying everywhere.

They all scramble for it as Andy goes into his living room.

B88 INT. ANDY’S LIVING ROOM (FANTASY) - CONTINUOUS B88

Andy’s living room is filled with gangsta-looking people.

There are some guys playing dice in the corners. Some are
freestyle rapping in the kitchen. There are several Asian
women in their underwear sitting around a table weighing
drugs like that scene in “New Jack City.” Andy approaches one
of the gangstas.

ANDY
Hey, you get me the money you owe
me yet?

GANGSTAS
No, man. Sorry. I’ll have it by
tomorrow.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 92.
B88 CONTINUED: B88

ANDY
That’s not good enough, mother
fucker!!!

Andy whips out a GUN and shoots the guy in the leg! He drops
to the ground, SCREAMING. Andy turns to the room.

ANDY
Let that be a lesson to all ya’ll
sorry-ass motherfuckers!! You do
not fuck with A-dog! If you do,
this’ll be you!!!

He shoots the guy in the other leg. Everyone cowers as Andy

walks out his front door.

C88 EXT. ANDY’S APARTMENT (FANTASY) - CONTINUOUS C88

Andy gets onto his ultra fancy LOW-RIDER BICYCLE and rides
off down the block.

D88 INT. ANDY’S APARTMENT (REALITY) - NIGHT D88

Andy is still talking to Cal.

CAL
Now you’re getting neurotic. Sex
does not lead to you becoming a
crack dealer.

ANDY
I know. I’m just really excited
and scared.

CAL
Ok. We’ll talk about it tomorrow,
Pappi. I’ve got to focus on Dave
now. You officially have less
problems than someone else.

88 INT. SMART TECH - DAY 88

Andy is working the floor. Paula walks over.

PAULA
Andy, I just got back the numbers.
You are our number one salesman by
far.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 93.
88 CONTINUED: 88
PAULA (cont'd)
I’ve decided to make you the floor
manager. That’s right. Now all
these jackasses are working under
you.

MOOJ
(overhears)
This is the bullshit of all
bullshits!

ANDY
Who’s gonna get my job?

PAULA
Cal’s got your job. He’s
interviewing people for his old job
right now.

A89 INT. STOCKROOM - CONTINUOUS A89 *

There is a hallway filled with gorgeous women waiting in *

chairs holding their resumes. We see Cal interviewing a HOT *
WOMAN. He is smiling. *

CAL *
So have you worked with electronics *
before? *

HOT WOMAN *
No, but I have electronics in my *
home. *

CAL *
Perfect. That’s the job pretty *
much. You are very well qualified. *
More than these other losers. *

89 OMIT 89

90 INT. SMART TECH - CONTINUOUS 90

Jay looks upset as he speaks to an ANNOYING MALE CUSTOMER.

JAY
So, I will write this up for you
and--

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 93A.
90 CONTINUED: 90

ANNOYING CUSTOMER
Hold on. I think I’m gonna need
you to throw in an extended
warranty. On the house.

JAY
I can’t do that.

ANNOYING CUSTOMER
Then I am going to have to take my
business elsewhere.

JAY
Fine. Beat it.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 94.
90 CONTINUED: 90

ANNOYING CUSTOMER
Okay, I will take it.

JAY
Now you can’t have it. Any of it.
Sorry.

ANNOYING CUSTOMER
What? That’s not fair.

JAY
Oh yeah. Well life isn’t fair. I
just added a hundred dollars to the
price. I can do anything.

ANNOYING CUSTOMER
You’re an asshole.

JAY
Now the stereo costs ten thousand
dollars. Will that be Visa or
Mastercard?

ANDY
Is there a problem here?

JAY
No problem. Next time he won’t
think he gets to make the rules
because in this house I make the
rules, bitch!

91 INT. STOCK ROOM - DAY 91

JAY
(crying)
Jill broke up with me.

ANDY
I’m so sorry. What happened?

JAY
She just lost her mind. It’s so
unfair.

ANDY
I’m so sorry.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 95.
91 CONTINUED: 91

JAY
She had one of her cop friends do a
handwriting analysis on my speed-
dating card, and she lost her mind.
It wasn’t that big a deal. It’s so
unfair. To throw out six years
‘cause I banged a few speed-daters.

Cal walks in. Jay instantly acts like he is not crying, even
though there are tears pouring out of his eyes.

JAY
I just think that we should be
pushing the Bose speakers more
because they are clearly of a
higher quality.

Cal realizes something is wrong and exits.

JAY
(the moment Cal is gone)
Oh, fuck me, fuck me! Now I know
why people kill themselves. I
really understand.

ANDY
Well, why did you cheat on her?

JAY
‘Cause I’m insecure. But it is so
unfair for her to not allow me to
learn that lesson.

David walks in to get something. Again Jay acts like nothing

is wrong, his face covered in tears.

JAY
I just think I am stronger when you
put me in afternoon shifts. I get
groggy in the morning.

David exits.

JAY
I’m sorry I’ve been giving you a
hard time. You were right. Sex
ruins everything. To make a real
relationship work, you should keep
sex out of it.

CUT TO:

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 96.
91 CONTINUED: 91

SEXLESS RELATIONSHIP MONTAGE:

92 EXT. STREET - DAY 92

Andy rides his bike with Trish. They are having a blast.

93 EXT. TRISH’S HOUSE-DUSK 93

Andy and Trish’s family eat dinner in the backyard.

94 EXT. STREET - DAY 94

Andy is riding a huge grown up tricycle with Trish’s six year-

old daughter, Julia. She likes Andy.

95 INT. TRISH’S LIVING ROOM - DAY 95

Andy is showing Trish’s kids some collectible action figures.

We see him hesitate, then take a scissor and open up the
never-before-opened boxes they are housed in. He hands one
to each of them.

96 EXT. MOUNTAIN TRAILS - DAY 96

Andy is riding mountain bikes with Trish’s sixteen year-old

daughter Marla. She is impressed by how good he is at the
sport.

97 EXT. INDUSTRIAL PARK PARKING LOT - DAY 97

Andy is driving Trish’s car. She is trying to teach him to

drive. He is terrible at it. He bumps into a parked car.
Its alarm goes off.

98 EXT. TRISH’S HOUSE - DAY 98

Trish is presenting Andy with a brand new, ultra fancy-

looking bike with a big red bow on it.

A99 EXT. CITY STREETS - DAY A99

Andy drives his bike home. He can not wipe the smile from
his face. He occasionally giggles. He starts singing a bad
song from the eighties.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 96A.
A99 CONTINUED: A99

It is a perfect moment, then he hits a pot hole and wipes out

really hard. Still with a smile, he jumps back on his bike
and keeps riding. Only now he has a little blood on his
forehead.

B99 EXT. STREET - DAY B99

Andy walks down the sidewalk. A bus with an ad for Eruption

perfume stops beside him. Its doors open, and Andy climbs
aboard.

99 INT. TRISH’S HOUSE - NIGHT 99

Trish and Andy are lying on the couch watching TV.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 97.
99 CONTINUED: 99

TRISH
I love kissing you because you are
so in the moment. It’s like you
enjoy it so much, you don’t want to
do anything else.

ANDY
I don’t.
(beat)
I want to tell you everything about
me.

TRISH
I want to know.

ANDY
Well...

TRISH
What do you want to do, Andy?
What’s your dream? I’m sure you
don’t want to work at Smart Tech
for the rest of your life?

ANDY
Well, after working in the store
for so long, I kind of started
thinking that I could open one
myself, but make it way better, you
know. There’s so many things they
do wrong. They shouldn’t have the
salesmen on commission, it just
makes everyone miserable. We could
paint the stock room so it’s not so
boring back there, have a snack bar
for the customers so people can
browse longer without getting
hungry.

TRISH
Maybe an espresso bar.

ANDY
Yeah! And sushi. It could be the
greatest stereo store ever.

TRISH
Why don’t you do it?

ANDY
I don’t have nearly enough money.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 98.
99 CONTINUED: 99

TRISH
Well, you have all those
collectables you were talking
about. How many do you have?

ANDY
946.

TRISH
Wow. Those were a great investment.
I sold this guy’s old GI Joe for a
thousand bucks. I bet if I helped
you sell them on e-bay, you could
make a bundle. You’re probably rich
already and you don’t even know it.

Andy thinks, a little thrown by the idea.

ANDY
Let’s do it.

TRISH
Are you sure?

ANDY
Yeah. Of course. I’m an adult. What
do I need a bunch of toys for?
It’ll free up some wall space.
That’s a great idea, Trish. Let’s
do it.

A100 INT. ANDY’S APARTMENT - DAY A100

Andy is taking his action figures off his shelf and putting
them very carefully into a cardboard box. He does it with
great care and emotion. This is rough.

100 INT. SMART TECH - DAY 100

Bernadette is pushing a huge TV on a cart. As she passes

Dave--

BERNADETTE
Hey Dave, sell a bigger TV next
time. I think I popped a disc.

Dave stares at her. Cal walks up next to Dave.

CAL
I think she likes you.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 98A.
100 CONTINUED: 100

DAVE
Too bad I retired my penis.

Dave walks off and the camera stops on Andy talking to Mooj,
who looks pissed off.

MOOJ
Why every time schedule comes out I
get most early shift? Is bullshit!
Nobody buy stereo at ten in the
morning. People buy stereo between
six and eight.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 99.
100 CONTINUED: 100
MOOJ (cont'd)
Rich men get off work, then buy
stereo, not after fucking brunch.

ANDY
I’ll tell you what, I’ll take a
couple shifts away from Jay, and
I’ll give you two of mine. That way
it’s even for everyone.

Mooj looks at Andy and actually mists up a bit.

MOOJ
Thank you, Andy. I’m sorry I’m such
a jerk. I have eight kids. None of
them think it’s necessary to have a
damn job in this life. I
appreciate.
(beat)
What date are you on, by the way?

ANDY
I think fourteen. It’s hard to
tell what defines a date.

MOOJ
Six to go. I will pray for your
cock.

Mooj exits. David walks over.

DAVID
(to Andy)
Trish is on the phone for you.
Here’s a big surprise - a
girlfriend with a problem.

101 OMITTTED 101

102 INT. TRISH’S HOUSE - DAY 102

Andy knocks on the door and enters. Trish hurries over to

him.

TRISH
I’m so glad you’re here. Marla
locked herself in her room.

ANDY
What happened?

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 99A.
102 CONTINUED: 102

TRISH
Marla wants to go to Planned
Parenthood. She wants to get birth
control, but she’s too young and we
got in a huge fight.

ANDY
Well, what are we gonna do?

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 100.
102 CONTINUED: 102

TRISH
Now she’s saying you should take
her.

ANDY
What?

TRISH
She says that I’m out of touch and
that you understand young people
more than I do.

ANDY
So you want me to take her?

TRISH
No! I don’t. Let her keep it in her
pants until she gets to college.

Marla comes out.

MARLA
You didn’t keep it in your pants!!

TRISH
I don’t want you making the same
mistakes as me!

MARLA
So, I’m a mistake?!

TRISH
No! Your older sister is!

Marla goes back into her room.

TRISH
Gosh, this was so much easier when
we were young.

ANDY
Yeah.

TRISH
When we were kids, you just did it.
It was fun. It was no big deal.
There weren’t all these horrible
diseases. Now the whole thing is
terrifying.

Marla comes out of her bedroom, crying and hysterical.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 101.
102 CONTINUED: 102

MARLA
You are such a hypocrite!!! You and
your boyfriend fool around all the
time!

TRISH
No we don’t.

MARLA
Liar!!! Why do you lie to me?!?!
What kind of person do you think
that will turn me into?!?

Marla storms back into her room, SLAMMING the door behind
her.

ANDY
Maybe I should take her. We’ll just
get some information. It’ll give
her some time to cool off. It never
hurts to be informed.

CUT TO:

103 INT. PLANNED PARENTHOOD - DAY 103

Andy is staring intently at an oversized PLASTIC MODEL OF THE

FEMALE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM. He starts to examine it, taking
it apart. He removes a piece, and the whole thing falls apart
into a dozen pieces. It is like a puzzle. He futilely
scrambles to put it back together for a few moments, then
gives up.

ANDY
I’m glad you asked me to bring you
here. I was kind of getting the
sense that we were bonding lately.

MARLA
We’re not bonding. I knew you were
kissing my mom’s ass so hard you
would do anything for her. If I
don’t get on the pill soon, my
boyfriend’s going to break up with
me or explode.

Andy is shocked. At that moment, JUDITH, a counselor, comes

into the room.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 102.
103 CONTINUED: 103

JUDITH
Hello. I hear one of you have some
questions. Please, come in. Our
young adults counselling session is
about to start.

104 INT. PLANNED PARENTHOOD - MOMENTS LATER 104

Andy, Marla, two TEEN-AGED guys and a TEEN-AGED GIRL sit

across from Judith.

JUDITH
Coming here was a very smart thing
for all of you to do. A lot of
young people act without thinking.
Carefully considering your options
and learning about safe sex is a
very responsible way to act. You
should be proud of yourselves.
Give yourselves a hand.

The kids all reluctantly applaud. Andy applauds

enthusiastically.

JUDITH
In fact, there are plenty of
activities you can engage in
without having sex that can be fun
and safe.

ANDY
(interested)
What kind of activities? I’m sure
we’re all interested in knowing.

JUDITH
Well, instead of having
intercourse, you might want to try
outercourse.

MARLA
Outercourse. Uch. What’s that?

ANDY
Yeah, what’s that?

JUDITH
Outercourse is anything that isn’t
vaginal intercourse.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 103.
104 CONTINUED: 104
JUDITH (cont'd)
It can be just having fun in a non-
sexual way with your friend. Or it
can be kissing.

BOY
I prefer vaginal intercourse.

A few cocky sixteen year-old BOYS laugh. The boy’s dad slaps
him on the head.

JUDITH
And there are many ways to be
sexual without intercourse — such
as body rubbing, which you might
call "dry humping.” Masturbation,
mutual masturbation, deep kissing,
erotic massage, oral sex play, role-
playing, and sharing fantasies with
a partner.

MARLA
I think I’m gonna vomit.

JUDITH
How many people here are virgins
who are considering having sex for
the first time?

Marla raises her hand then realizes she is the only one in
the room with a raised hand. The boys laugh.

ANOTHER BOY
So you’re the only virgin in
school. I can help you with that.

Marla is red-faced with embarrassment. Andy feels for her.

He raises his hand.

ANDY
I am a virgin too.

The boys now all direct their attention his way. Marla is
saved.

BOY
(joking)
That’s too freaky for me. Can we
just get our free rubbers now?

All the boys laugh.

 Gray Revised 3/30/05 104.

A105 INT. CAR - DAY A105

Marla is driving. Andy sits in the passenger seat.

ANDY
I just made that up to help you
out.

MARLA
No you didn’t, but thank you.

ANDY
How can you tell?

MARLA
In school you can tell who’s done
it. You haven’t.

ANDY
Please don’t tell your mom.

MARLA
I won’t. But when are you gonna
tell her.

ANDY
Believe me, I’m working on it.

105 INT. SMART TECH - DAY 105

CLOSE ON: One of the giant flat screen TV’s. On it is an

ultra-sound image of a baby in the womb.

JAY (O.S.)
Look at it! That’s my baby! And
that’s its dick!

REVEAL that it is on every TV in the store. Jay, Cal, Dave

and some other employees are gathered around looking at it on
a huge TV. Jay is pointing at what could be interpreted as
the baby’s dick.

DAVID
It just looks like an egg.

JAY
No way, that’s his penis. It’s
huge! Takes after his old man.

Andy walks into the store.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 105.
105 CONTINUED: 105

JAY
Andy!! Come here! You gotta come
here and look at this.

ANDY
(referring to screen)
Is this that new movie about the
babies that are geniuses?

JAY
No! This is my child. Jill’s
pregnant. That’s why she broke up
with me. Because she didn’t know
if I would be a good dad in light
of the fact that I cheat on her all
the time.

ANDY
So this is good?

JAY
It’s the best. I love her sooo
much. This was meant to happen. I
was meant to be with her and to be
the father to this child. I will
never screw around again. I am so
lucky. I’m having a party tonight
to celebrate, you should totally
come.

DAVID
(to Jay)
Oh, yeah. I meant to tell you. I
can’t come.

JAY
Why not?

DAVID
I’m just gonna do acid alone. Think
about shit.

CAL
Come on! It’ll be fun.

Andy walks to the register. Trish walks over to him.

TRISH
Hi, honey.

We reveal David, Jay and Cal watching this exchange.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 106.
105 CONTINUED: 105

ANDY
Oh, hi. What are you doing here?

TRISH
I knew you were working a long
shift today, so I brought you a
healthy lunch, and look. I found
you the cutest sweater.

ANDY
I love it. Thank you.

He gives her a quick kiss.

TRISH
And I don’t know what you said to
Marla yesterday, but...thank you.

ANDY
No problem. It was...fun.

TRISH
You’re a great man, Andy. And a
cute one, too.

She exits. The guys walk up to him.

CAL
That’s a crazy coincidence. Jay’s
about to have a kid, and Andy’s
about to have three kids and a
granddaughter.

DAVID
You’re gonna be a step-grandaddy.

All the guys laugh.

ANDY
What do you mean?

JAY
Well, you’re clearly gonna marry
that woman. She’s bringing you
lunch at work, calling you “honey,”
dude, we might as well have a
double wedding.

Andy looks really nervous.

 Gray Revised 3/30/05 107.

106 INT. TRISH’S BEDROOM - NIGHT 106

The bedroom is covered in Andy’s toys. Andy and Trish are

wrapping them up in bubble wrap to prepare them for shipping.

TRISH
I’m not joking, Andy. The way these
things are selling, you could
actually make, like, half a million
dollars. You could open your store!

ANDY
Thank you so much, Trish.
Seriously. This is amazing. You’re
literally making my dreams come
true.

They share a sweet kiss. Trish looks at him seductively.

TRISH
That’s not the only good news. You
know what tonight is?

ANDY
Is ‘Survivor’ on?

TRISH
No. It’s our twentieth date.

Andy suddenly looks terrified. Trish moves towards him, Andy

begins to back up.

ANDY
It is?

TRISH
Yup. And the kids are at their
dad’s. I gotta be honest. I’ve been
wanting this since the fourth date.
By the time the sixteenth date came
along, I was beginning to get a
little crazy, but it’s finally
here. And now that we’ve waited, I
want it so much more.

She kisses Andy hard as he continues to try to back up.

ANDY
Well, at Planned Parenthood, I
learned about this thing called
outercourse.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 108.
106 CONTINUED: 106
ANDY (cont'd)
I mean...maybe, we can try that and
it could help... scratch your itch.

TRISH
This isn’t just scratching an itch.
I like you. I’m falling for you,
and I can honestly see this going
somewhere.

Andy backs up into a dresser. Some of his toys that were on

it fall to the ground. He tries to pick them up as a way to
avoid sex, but Trish is in his way.

ANDY
I should really pick those up. They
could get dented.

TRISH
Pick them up later.

ANDY
No, I should probably do it now.
Most of the value from these comes
from the integrity of the original
packaging.

TRISH
Jesus. I’m offering myself to you,
and all you can think of is fucking
toys?!

ANDY
These are not just fucking toys!
These are my memories.

Andy walks around Trish and picks up a toy.

ANDY
I got this in second grade! Do you
know how hard it was not to open
this thing?!
(picks up another)
I got this when I was fourteen for
getting straight A’s! That’s
important. And now look at this.
Look at what you’re making me do! I
didn’t want to sell them, but you
made me!

TRISH
I didn’t make you!

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 109.
106 CONTINUED: 106

ANDY
Yes you did. You said I should quit
my job and sell my toys and open a
store. Well I’m gonna tell you
something. You can’t change
everything about me!!

TRISH
I’m not changing you! I’m helping
you grow up. You’re a forty year-
old guy who lives in an apartment
that must be so embarrassing that
he won’t let anyone in. Who rides
his bike to work in a stock room-

ANDY
I’m a floor manager!!!! And
Einstein rode a bike!

TRISH
Am I so old and unattractive that
you don’t want to have sex with me?

ANDY
EVERYTHING IN LIFE IS NOT ABOUT
SEX!!

TRISH
You are so mean. Just get out.

ANDY
Fine. Good.

TRISH
Good!

ANDY
I didn’t ask for any of this.
Goodbye!

Andy storms out, slamming the door, leaving Trish upset and
furious. A beat later, Andy comes back in and grabs his bike
tire, which he forgot.

ANDY
And you can tell all these people
that they can’t have my toys.

He leaves again.
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 110.

107 EXT. VALLEY STREETS - MOMENTS LATER 107

Andy has a tormented look on his face as he speeds down the

street on his bike. There is a stop light ahead, Andy does
not slow down. He plows right through it, narrowly missing
getting nailed by one car, and causing another to fishtail as
it avoids him. Andy keeps going as if it didn’t even happen.

CUT TO:

108 INT. BAR - LATER 108

Jay’s pregnancy party is in full swing. Andy (who looks kind

of drunk) is drinking at the bar next to Jay and Cal. A
PARTYGOER shakes Jay’s hand. Jay’s girlfriend Jill is there.

PARTYGOER
Hey! Congrats man!

JAY
Thanks! I’ll show you the video,
you can totally see his dick. It’s
huge!

Andy downs another shot.

ANDY
You guys were soooo right! I don’t
need a relationship. I just need to
get laid, right? That’s what it’s
all about. Genital to genital, am I
right? How right am I?

CAL
Uh...I don’t know, man.

ANDY
Well, I do know. I’m drunk. Now I
have an excuse to do all the stuff
I’ve always wanted to do, so watch
your privates, ladies, Andy is on
the prowl using the periph!

JAY
Look, Andy. You don’t have to do
this. I’m telling you-

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 111.
108 CONTINUED: 108

ANDY
Guys, next week I turn forty one. I
can’t be a forty one year-old
virgin. It’s pathetic. It all ends
now.

Andy drunkenly gets off his stool and walks away. Dave walks
by and Cal grabs him, dragging him over to Bernadette.

CAL
Dave, you have to meet Bernadette,
She’s a delight.

They arrive at Bernadette.

CAL
Bernadette, this is the guy I was
telling you about. Dave, this is
Bernadette.

Cal walks away, leaving the two of them alone. Dave looks
somewhat disinterested.

BERNADETTE
Hi there. It’s nice to finally meet
you. Cal couldn’t have more nice
things to say about you.

DAVID
Well...Cal’s a good guy.

BERNADETTE
Do you like to dance? I’m going to
a rave this weekend, it’s gonna be
awesome. You don’t need to do drugs
to have fun, it’s mostly about
meeting nice people.

Bernadette smiles at Dave. He is clearly tempted to

reciprocate the flirting, but resists.

DAVID
Nah. Thanks but, you know, I’m
actually about to go back to
school, I’m taking some night
school courses, learning to cook,
restaurant managing. That kind of
thing.

BERNADETTE
(sarcastic)
Yeah. You’re right.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 112.
108 CONTINUED: 108
BERNADETTE (cont'd)
It’s not like anyone ever partied
and went to school.

Dave can’t help but laugh. He crumbles before our very eyes,
clearly falling in love.

DAVID
Can I buy you a drink?

Jay and Cal see this and smile.

ANGLE ON: Andy. He struts through the celebration, scanning

the ladies as he walks by. He isn’t seeing anything he likes,
until...

ANDY
Beth!

Beth is sitting at the bar about to order a drink when she

turns around and spots Andy. Her face lights up.

BETH
Andy! Oh my god! What’s going on?

Andy confidently walks over and looks her dead in the eyes.

ANDY
You’re hot, Beth. Hot as the sun.
Somebody needs to put you out.

BETH
(playful)
Does somebody?

ANDY
Yes. You’re hot. Deal with it. You
wanna party with me?

BETH
With you? Yeah. Of course. I’ve
been wanting to for weeks.

ANDY
I’ve been wanting to since I was
born.

Andy turns to the bartender.

ANDY
Barkeep! Give two drinks...with
alcohol in them. Make it snappy.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 113.
108 CONTINUED: 108

BETH
Andy...you are magical.

ANDY
Abracadabra, baby.

BETH
Let’s get out of here.

ANDY
Well, I hope you have a big trunk,
because I’m putting my bike in it.

109 INT. TRISH’S HOUSE - NIGHT 109

Trish is packing up Andy’s toys to return to him, depressed.

Marla comes in the front door.

MARLA
Hey, I forgot my cell phone.
(she looks around)
Where’s Andy?

TRISH
We kind of got in a little fight.
No, actually, we definitely got in
a huge fight.

MARLA
Oh no.

TRISH
I thought you hated him.

MARLA
I mean, he’s kind of a homo, but he
generally smells good and he’s
really nice to Julia. I guess I
like him.

TRISH
So what should I do?

MARLA
Go talk to him.

Trish thinks, then grabs her keys and runs out the door.
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 114.

110 INT. BETH’S APARTMENT - NIGHT 110

Andy and Beth lay on the floor in front of the fireplace.

They both have a glass of wine in their hands.

BETH
I thought I would start reading
more in the store, but I realized
something: I’m not much of a
reader. I’m more of a do-er. But
they have a great magazine rack, so
I like to read those. I know
they’re not books, but some of them
are pretty long.

Andy downs the rest of his drink and stares into Beth’s eyes.

ANDY
I want to...have sex with you.
Right now. Real sex.

BETH
Just give me a minute. I’ll be
right back.

She kisses him on the mouth. A big kiss. Then she gets up and
goes into the other room, leaving Andy alone.

111 INT. CAR - NIGHT 111

Trish is driving in her car with her cell phone to her ear.
It rings a few times, then Andy’s answering machine picks up.

ANDY (O.S.)
(on answering machine)
Hello, this is Andy. Please leave
your name, number and your reason
for calling and I will call you
back when I am able. Have a good
day. (BEEP)

TRISH
Shit.

112 INT. BETH’S APARTMENT - NIGHT 112

Andy gets up and starts pacing around the living room.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 115.
112 CONTINUED: 112

ANDY
(talking to himself)
Okay, okay. Everything is okay. I
am a man. She wants sex. That is
what men and women do. They have
sex with each other. Get this
behind you. Over the hump.
(closes his eyes)
Visualize. Yeah. That’s right.
That’s sex.

He begins to gyrate his hips a bit.

ANDY
Yeah. Sex is happening. I am doing
it good. Very good. We love doing
this together. Nature is taking its
course.
(looks to his penis)
You know what to do. I’ll just
follow your lead.

BETH (O.S.)
Hey Andy.

Andy abruptly stops.

ANDY
Yeah.

BETH (O.S.)
Come into the bathroom.

Andy walks into the bathroom, and Beth is wearing a slinky

short bathrobe. Andy takes a breath.

BETH
Do you like?

ANDY
I like.

She walks over to him and takes off his shirt.

BETH
Let me help you with that.

She takes off his belt, causing his pants to fall down around
his ankles. He gets pale.

ANDY
My pants fell off.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 116.
112 CONTINUED: 112

She takes the belt and SMACKS Andy on the ass with it very
hard.

ANDY
Jesus Christ!

BETH
Oooh. Does that hurt?

She SMACKS her own ass with it.

BETH
I like it. Let me show you what
else I like.

113 INT. TRISH’S CAR - CONTINUOUS 113

Trish speeds through the Valley, determined.

114 INT. BETH’S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS 114

Beth climbs in her bathtub, Andy standing in front of her,

terrified. Her hand moves down her body.

For the next full minute we are on a medium shot of Andy’s

face as Beth pleasures herself. We do not hear a lot of
noise. A little breathing and the occasional splash. Andy’s
face goes through a kaleidoscope of emotions: interested,
happy, shocked, ashamed, frightened, guilty about Trish.

We see Beth for a moment from an angle which disguises what

she is doing, but we see her ecstatic face.

Andy realizes this doesn’t feel right. He gets up and starts

tiptoeing out of the room. Suddenly a large rock comes
through the window and hits him in the back of the head. It
really hurts. He rushes out the door. Beth, in ectasy,
doesn’t notice and keeps on going.

115 EXT. BETH’S APARTMENT - NIGHT 115

Andy walks out the front door and is surprised to find---Jay,

David and Cal.

ANDY
Did you throw a rock at me?

JAY
Yes, I did. To save you.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 117.
115 CONTINUED: 115

In the background we hear the quiet sounds of Beth moaning.

As the scene plays out, she gets louder and louder.

DAVID
(happy again)
We were talking about it. You
can’t do this to Trish. Love can
solve any problem.

CAL
Virginity is a precious gift. This
girl doesn’t deserve that gift.

ANDY
How did you know where Beth lived?

JAY
I slept with her about eight months
ago.

ANDY
Well, don’t worry, I didn’t. But
if you don’t get out of my way, she
might come out here and force me to
do it.

DAVID
What do you mean?

They hear the moaning.

CAL
What is going on in there? Is she
in there alone?

ANDY
Yup. I don’t know what I’m doing
anymore. I can’t go back to my old
life and I can’t handle this new
one. I’m going home.

All four guys walk away, out of frame. A moment later, Cal
walks back into frame and walks into Beth’s apartment.

116 EXT. STREETS - NIGHT 116

Andy rides his bicycle home, deep in thought.

 Gray Revised 3/30/05 117A.

A117 INT./EXT. ANDY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT A117

Trish calls out for Andy. No answer. She goes inside.

 Gray Revised 3/30/05 118.

117 EXT./INT. ANDY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT 117

Andy locks his bike and enters his home. When he enters, he
sees Trish looking very upset.

ANDY
Trish. What’s going on?

TRISH
Maybe you should tell me.

ANDY
Okay, here’s the thing. I realize
I made a mistake. The reason I
went out--

TRISH
What’s this?

Trish holds up a stack of dirty and very dirty movies. Andy

realizes this isn’t about his date with Beth.

ANDY
Those are David’s.

TRISH
And this?

She holds up his speed dating “rating card.” On it, in his

handwriting, is the names of women and his comments. We see
phrases like, “she seems nice,” “very nice,” “I like her, she
was nice,” “No!! She scared me,” “nice, smelled like my
grandma.”

ANDY
I did that before I met you. It
was silly.

TRISH
And you have all these books about
how to have sex. A lot of them
have disturbing pictures in them.

ANDY
Well, when I bought those I didn’t
realize the pictures would be so--

TRISH
And what the hell is this for?

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 119.
117 CONTINUED: 117

She points to the PLASTIC VAGINA that was in Planned

Parenthood. Somehow Andy must have bought one or stolen it.

ANDY
It’s a piece of medical equipment.
A lot of people have them.

TRISH
What kind of sick pervert are you?
Are you some kind of sex maniac?
Everything in your apartment is
about sex. Is that all you think
about? Is that all you care about?

ANDY
No. Of course not. I have never
even tried to have sex with you.

TRISH
Well, then what the hell are you
trying to do? What are you
buttering me up for?
(beat)
You’re not going to kill me are
you?

ANDY
No, I, I, I...I love you.

She stares at him, contemplates what he said, then runs out

the door. Andy runs after her.

ANDY
Trish, wait!

118 EXT. ANDY’S APARTMENT - CONT. 118

Trish runs to her car. Andy follows. She drives off. Andy
chases her with his bike. She pulls way ahead of him and
rounds a corner. Andy instantly cuts across some lawns and
through some back yards, taking shortcuts to keep up. Then,
his phone rings. As he zooms down the street, he answers it.

ANDY
(into phone)
Hello?
(beat)
No, Jay. I’m still working on it
with Trish. Can I call you back? I
can’t ride that fast with one hand.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 120.
118 CONTINUED: 118

Andy hangs up the phone and rides as fast as he can.

Andy flies into the intersection. Trish slows down and stops
at the light of the same intersection. Andy can’t control
his speed. On the other side of the light from Trish he
attempts to slow down, but it’s too late. He hits a car,
flies over its windshield and is catapulted into a truck
which is pulling a billboard for Eruption perfume. Andy hits
the billboard and falls to the ground. Trish gets out of the
car and walks over to him.

TRISH
Oh my god!!!! Andy!!
(to cars)
Someone call 911.

ANDY
Just give me a second. I am in a
lot of pain.

TRISH
Are you okay?!!

ANDY
No. I’m a virgin. I always have
been.

TRISH
Oh.
(it all makes sense)
Yeah. Of course.

Andy sits up.

ANDY
That’s why I never tried to make
love to you. I was scared that it
wouldn’t be good.

TRISH
It’s always good with me.

They laugh. Andy stands up.

ANDY
So you don’t care?

TRISH
Well, is there anything else you’re
not telling me?

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 121.
118 CONTINUED: 118

ANDY
Trish, I used to wonder why it
never happened -- what was wrong
with me? But now I realize, I was
just waiting for you.

They kiss. One car drives over the curb to get around them.

MOTORIST (O.S.)
Get the fuck out of the road,
virgin!!

TRISH
Then let’s just do it.

ANDY
I’ve waited this long. There’s
probably one other thing we should
do first.

They kiss again.

 Gray Revised 3/30/05 122.

119 EXT. A BEAUTIFUL HILLSIDE OVERLOOKING THE OCEAN - DAY 119

Andy and Trish are getting married. It is a beautiful and

clearly expensive wedding. Everyone is there, all her kids,
even the twenty one year-old and her daughter, everyone from
work, Jay is there with a very pregnant Jill, David is there
with Bernadette, Cal is there with Beth. We see Trish’s
daughter, KIM, with TRISH’S GRANDDAUGHTER.

JILL
This is some wedding. How did they
pay for all of this?

JAY
He sold his toy collection. Made
two million dollars. Fucking
crazy, right?

ANGLE ON THE PRIEST AND TRISH AND ANDY

ANDY
With this ring, I thee wed.

PRIEST
Andy, Trish. All of the people who
love you are here to support you
today. Your friends, co-workers,
family, children and grandchildren.

ANDY
You have two grandchildren?

TRISH
Did I say one?

PRIEST
We are all so happy for you and I
am delighted to say these words --
Andy, you may do the bride -- I
mean, kiss the bride.

Andy and Trish kiss. The crowd explodes with cheers. They
run down the path as children throw flowers at them.

119A EXT. OFF TO THE SIDE OF THE WEDDING - MOMENTS LATER 119A

The Customer from the E-Bay store stands and watches the
wedding harp player play. The Customer whips out the trumpet
he tried to buy from the E-Bay store.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 122A.
119A CONTINUED: 119A

CUSTOMER
Check out what I stole from the
bride’s store. Want to jam?

The harp player keeps playing without looking at the

Customer.

CUSTOMER
You’re off-key, bitch.

The Customer storms off.

120 INT. HOTEL HALLWAY - DAY 120

Andy and Trish giddily walk to their room. Trish puts the key
in the door and is about to open it.

ANDY
Wait. Let me carry you in.

TRISH
Oh, you don’t have to.

ANDY
No, I want to. And then we’ll...

They both giggle knowing that they’re finally about to do it.

TRISH
Okay.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 123.
120 CONTINUED: 120

Andy picks up Trish and bursts through the door of their

suite.

REVEAL: A SPANISH DUDE in the room buffing the bathroom floor

with a strange-looking machine. Andy stops dead in his
tracks.

SPANISH DUDE
Hey. I’m not gonna be done buffing
the marble for a half hour. But you
can come in and sit down if you
want, or you can wait in the lobby.

Andy puts down Trish, and they awkwardly sit on the bed and
wait for the dude to leave.

121 INT. HOTEL BEDROOM - NIGHT 121

Andy and Trish are in bed, under the covers.

TRISH
Are you ready?

ANDY
Yeah. Definitely.

TRISH
Okay.

ANDY
Wait! I need another second.

He takes a deep breath.

ANDY
Now I’m ready.

TRISH
Here we go.

FADE TO BLACK. ONE CREDIT COMES UP. THEN WE FADE BACK UP ON

ANDY AND TRISH-IMMEDIATELY AFTER SEX ENDS

ANDY
That was good but I think I can do
it better than that.

TRISH
(smiles)
Then let’s do it again.

(CONTINUED)
 Gray Revised 3/30/05 124.
121 CONTINUED: 121

They kiss. FADE TO BLACK

OVER CREDITS WE SEE:

122 EXT. FANCY BEACH FRONT HOTEL - MORNING 122

MUSIC UP: “THE AGE OF AQUARIUS”

Andy is in bed. His eyes open. He starts singing the song

in a falsetto voice filled with happiness. Andy walks out of
his room, overjoyed. He breaks into a very elaborate dance.
The characters from the film join him in a joyous dance
sequence. It is a new day for Andy.

FADE OUT. THE END.