Dating apps can lead to superficiality and ghosting, but there are also many positives.

"While online dating has some potential for pitfalls compared to meeting people in real
life, the volume of possibilities is much higher," says Bobby. "That increases the chances
that you'll meet someone you're truly compatible with."

So let's put the fears to rest—and put the internet to the test. Read on to learn expert
advice on how well online dating really works.

Bobby says the reason for many of the negative aspects of online dating could
be a lack of what she calls a "shared community." "Connecting through online
dating feels much more like meeting a virtual stranger and having to establish
points of meaningful connection with little real-world experience to go on,"
she says. "Furthermore, the absence of a shared community or relationships
make it easier to ghost or be inconsiderate without concern of consequences to
your reputation or comfort in your community."’

How to Get the Most Out of Online Dating

Before you download an app or two and create your profile, Bobby recommends some
soul-searching. The last thing you want to do is start matching with people online, get to
talking, and realize you have no idea what you're looking for out of a partner or a
relationship.

"Spend time and energy getting clear about who you are and what you really want in a
relationship, and think about who your ideal partner is," says Bobby. "Also, think about
what your ideal partner is seeking in a prospective mate and how you can connect with
them authentically."

It's also important to do some research about the app you decide to download and find
out how it works. Then, spend some time and energy on your profile. Choose pictures
and prompts that show who you are, what you like, and how you present yourself to the
world. If it's clear you haven't put any thought or effort into your profile, potential
partners might assume you'll take the same approach in a relationship.

Once you've created your profile, don't expect to meet "the one" right away, and prepare
to spend a significant amount of time vetting potential partners. But since we don't have
all the time in the world to swipe, having a system to weed out those with whom you are
incompatible is key. "Develop a process to help you cut through the fluff and get to know
who someone really is as quickly as possible," she says. "A five-minute call will often tell
you all you need to know."
Move from texting to a phone or video call ASAP for a better sense of
mutual interest and compatibility. Even if it feels awkward, it can save
you a lot of time—and disappointment.
What to Avoid When Using Dating Apps
Odds are, if you've participated in online dating, you have a few bad date stories. Often
the cause of these negative experiences is that your expectations don't match up with
reality. Bobby says that while online dating requires some "marketing savvy" and the
ability to, in essence, sell yourself online, you shouldn't sacrifice the truth to come across
as what you perceive to be "better."

"Never misrepresent yourself or try to appear as something you're not," she says. "You
might get online interactions, but they'll quickly fizzle when it becomes apparent that
you are different than what your potential partner was expecting." If you're looking for a
truly meaningful relationship, concealing aspects of yourself that you're afraid others
won't like or accept on your profile is counterproductive. Be authentic, and you'll attract
those with similar values.

On the other hand, avoid falling victim to someone you suspect is being deceitful on
their profile by noticing red flags. Not everyone has social media or updates it
regularly, but most people who do will be glad to share their profiles with you when
asked. And most of the time, if someone is truly interested, they'll hop on a phone call or
video chat with you before meeting up, even if they feel a bit awkward. Going into a date
"cold" with someone you aren't entirely sure about can often end up being a waste of
time and lead to disappointment.

Lastly, when you do get that match or first date, it's important for you and a prospective
partner to feel a certain chemistry, but don't rely on it completely. "When you are
evaluating potential partners, do not make the mistake of prioritizing 'chemistry' over
character," says Bobby. Too much wit and charm may give you butterflies, but it can also
be a sign that the person is a "player" or even a narcissist.

Look for depth, emotional intelligence, empathy, friendship, aligned

values, and psychological flexibility if a long-term relationship is your
goal.
How Likely Are You to Find "The One" Online?
A healthy relationship is totally possible whether you're meeting people in person or
online, but the two methods differ for a variety of reasons. The fact is, there are positives
to meeting IRL. When two people meet organically, it's probably because they already
have something in common, like friends or hobbies. "This natural convergence of
circumstances, relationships, or interests is a strength for a new relationship," says
Bobby. "They provide a budding couple with more opportunities for authentic
connection as well as more social pressure to treat each other decently, even if it's not
ultimately a good match."

But that doesn't mean online dating can't be equally as successful. Since everyone on a
dating site is (presumably) available, you have ample opportunities to put yourself out
there and find a good match. When you engage in social events where you're likely to
meet new people, the pool of those who are single and looking is much smaller than
when you're on an app or dating site where everyone is in the same boat as you.

"Singles seeking relationships are looking to connect online," says Bobby. "That reality
means that it's highly likely of finding 'the one' because they're in the same place, also
looking for you!" If you're straightforward about what you want, it increases your
chances of finding a good partner even more.

No matter your intentions, there seems to be something for everyone when dating
online—just be clear about your expectations. Embrace new experiences, learn a little
about yourself, and don't forget to have fun. You may even meet your dream partner.

How To Process Your Feelings About It

What to do if you find your partner on dating apps will depend largely on the nature of
your relationship. “Are you still in that getting-to-know-you phase, or have you become
exclusive?" Resnick asks. "If it's the former, just let it be. You haven't committed to each
other, and what they do isn't your business.” If it still bothers you, Resnick says you may
want more from the relationship, and it may be time to talk to the person you're dating
about where you stand. “If you decide that it's time to go exclusive, then you can ask if
they are still on any dating sites," he suggests. "It is not uncommon for people in a
relationship to ceremonially delete their dating accounts together.”

If you're already exclusive and find your partner's online dating profile is still
active, Diana Dorell, intuitive dating coach and author of The Dating Mirror: Trust Again,
Love Again, says having an honest conversation about what you found is important.
“Decide what you want to do about it. If you want to keep the relationship, then a calm,
cool approach is best,” she tells Elite Daily.

One tactic all the experts say to avoid is catfishing. Don’t make a fake profile just to try
messaging your partner and seeing if they respond. “No one wants to be with a partner
who's a stalker, and before you start accusing your steady beau of cheating, you should
try to find out what's going on,” says Spira. “Know that if you create a fake profile to
catch them in the act, you can kiss your relationship goodbye.”

Once you've taken a deep breath and feel ready to talk to your partner, Dorell
suggests considering what you want to achieve with the conversation so you
can be intentional in your approach: “Decide what it is you want. Is it to feel
heard? For them to admit it so you don't feel crazy? To break up?" Before
making any sort of accusations, she suggests gathering evidence.
Screenshots or their open dating app profile work here.
Spira says to be direct. “If you've agreed to be exclusive, and you've both taken down
your profiles, I recommend you say the following: ‘My friend [insert name] was swiping
right on Tinder, and somehow she got matched with you.’ Then show your partner the
screenshot and button your lips because it's time to listen to the explanation," she says.

Dorell agrees it's essential to give your partner plenty of space to respond. “Pay
attention to your intuition. You'll know if they are lying because your body will tell you,"
she explains. "Your job in this conversation is to get to the truth, and that's something
you'll know within you. Then, you can decide what you want to do next.”

Ultimately, it will be up to you and your partner to determine what happens next. Maybe
they'll log in, delete their profile once and for all, and you can proceed as you were. On
the other hand, you might decide to go your separate ways and move on. The key is to
trust your intuition and do what feels right for you.

“If you find out your partner has a second life on a dating app, know that you're not
alone," says Spira. "It takes a few minutes to create or reactivate a dating profile, and if
you're not their one-and-only, about 50 million plus other singles are waiting to meet
you.” Hang in there, you've got this.

Studies referenced:

How often do millennials start dating due to tinder? LendEDU. (2020, April 6). Retrieved
September 28, 2021, from https://lendedu.com/blog/tinder-match-millennials/.

Published by Statista Research Department, & 28, J. (2021, June 28). Most popular
reasons for users in the United States to use online dating websites or apps as of May
2021. Statista. Retrieved September 28, 2021, from
https://www.statista.com/statistics/976189/reasons-why-adults-use-dating-websites-
apps-usa/.

Experts:

Eric Resnick, professional dating profile writer and online dating coach

Julie Spira, online dating expert and author of Love in the Age of Trump: How Politics is
Polarizing Relationships

Diana Dorell, intuitive dating coach and author of The Dating Mirror: Trust Again, Love
Again

This article was originally published on 02.07.20

How to find love: Throw out your list. While it’s okay to have a type, you
shouldn’t let that type define the only kind of person you’ll even consider going
out with.
You have no idea what the universe has in store for you, so you shouldn’t
define it by limiting yourself to a very specific and very exclusive list of traits.

And while there’s nothing wrong with believing in destiny, believing in it too
much can be detrimental to your search for love.

Instead of actually going out and actively searching for love, you’ll convince
yourself that you just need to sit back and let the universe handle everything.

Because we believe that destiny is unavoidable, something fated to occur,

and so if you’re destined to find love, it’ll happen eventually regardless of your
decisions.

How to find love: We’re not saying you should stop believing in destiny, but
destiny becomes problematic when you start using it as an excuse to avoid
getting out of your comfort zone.
Can’t forget about ex
So every time you go on a date, you just end up projecting your pent-up
negativity of love and relationships towards your date; and chances are,
you’re never going to get a second date.
How to find love: Ask yourself — have I really moved on? Am I ready to try
to start something new?
Too many people rush into dating the next person not because they’re ready,
but because they don’t want to deal with the pain of their recent break-up.

But this just ends up with a toxic rebound rollercoaster of a relationship, and
no one ends up being happy in the long run.

8) You have unresolved childhood issues

How not to find love: There are a lot of broken homes and broken families
out there — children of divorce, or parents who fought and bickered all the
time.
Being exposed to this kind of negativity and violence at such a young age can
leave lasting impressions on our minds.
Even if we think we’re emotionally normal and stable people, we end up
lashing out at our partners the way that we were taught when we were kids.

Because that’s our oldest understanding of what a long-term relationship

should be like, and we haven’t been taught anything else.

How to find love: If this is you, then the solution isn’t to keep dating people
until you can find a person who can “deal with you”.
After all, even if you eventually do find that ultimately kind and selfless
individual, you just end up trapping them and yourself in a toxic, broken
relationship.

The solution is to confront your issues and deal with them yourself

Understand the childhood trauma causing your destructive behavior, and do

what it takes to truly internalize them.

nd even if you don’t explicitly say how eager you are, people can smell
desperation from a mile away. And there are few things less sexy than
desperation.

How to find love: Relax, calm down. Take it easy and find your peace.
Even if you do find the perfect man or woman and you want to lock them
down right away, you have to realize: dating is still a game, and you need to
play your cards right.

Coming off too strong, too soon can weird people out. You need to give them
the impression that they need to work for you, at least a little bit.

How to find love:

We spend years searching for love in a partner, when in reality, if we spent
the same amount of time, love, and care on ourselves, we’d all be much
happier internally.
There was a time I also felt disconnected from myself and the person I wanted
to be, but I found a unique way to overcome it:
A rejuvenating free breathwork video, created by Brazillian shaman, Rudá
Iandê. 
Combining breathwork with his shamanic knowledge, these exercises are
aimed at restoring emotional balance and dissolving anxiety, but most
importantly, at reconnecting with yourself.
 Since starting the exercises, I feel like I’m in a better place to create genuine,
healthy relationships, especially since the one I have with myself is flourishing.

After all, that’s the most important relationship. Work on that first, be true to
yourself, and you’ll soon attract love in the form of a partner. 

How to find love: While you should still be open to new experiences, you
should also be coming at it with your own set of general guidelines of what
you want in a relationship.
And the best way to determine that is by asking yourself — who are you, and
what do you want out of your life?

What kind of partner would best compliment you and help you become the
best version of yourself?

Once you figure that out, you can figure out the general idea of your
compatible partner.

5) You’re afraid of rejection

How not to find love: If you’re afraid of rejection, then you’ll never put
yourself out there. 
The fear of failure or rejection is common, you are not alone. Sometimes we
can overcome this fear by moving forward with what frightens us, but
sometimes certain situations make us recede further into ourselves. It is not
uncommon for us to let our fears get the best of us.

How to find love:

o Assess the worst thing that could happen when approaching someone. They
may reject you, but have you not rejected others in the past? It is okay to feel
as though they will push you away or say something you may interpret as
cruel, but pushing past this fear will help you find love. Sometimes we have to
search through the rubble to find the treasure.
o If your fear stems from past trauma, try to work through it at your own pace
with whatever method you feel okay to use. If you are okay with talking to
someone, even just a close friend, do that. Sometimes talking through our
fears makes them less real.
o Write down a list of the reasons you believe someone would reject you and
brainstorm the reasons why you think they would reject you based on this
 o Write down a list of the reasons you believe someone would reject you
and brainstorm the reasons why you think they would reject you based
on this assessment. Maybe your fear of rejection stems from you not
appreciating yourself enough. (If this is the case, keep reading!)
o Practise self-compassion. Be kind to yourself and believe that you
deserve love. Rejection is hard, but it doesn’t have to control your life.

How to find love: 

o Assess why you cannot let people in and write a list of the reasons you think
you’re closed off. If you do not trust people, this doesn’t mean you will not find
love. Love is waiting for you with open arms, you just have to find it. 
o Try to open up with people. If they are understanding they will be patient with
you and your needs. If they aren’t patient, don’t be afraid to ask them why.
While it is important to understand how others see us, it is more important to
be happy in ourselves, so if they are cruel in response you have your own
permission to move on from that person towards a better future.

How to find love: Love needs time. Building a relationship isn’t easy; it’s not
just about going out on a date with someone once every two weeks or once a
month.
Especially in this day and age of constant communication, love is now a daily
obligation of little conversations and reminders here and there.

And if you don’t have the time for it, then that’s okay; you just can’t fit it into
your life right now. There’s nothing wrong with that.

But if you want to find love, remember: you’re going to need to take something
else out of your day to make time for having an entirely new person in your
life.

Key takeaways

To sum this post up, here are the most important topics discussed throughout:
o Putting your best foot forward is a good start to a relationship, but only if you
are showing your significant other the real  you.
o Love may not come to you, you might have to search through the rubble to
find the treasure.
o Rejection is scary, but you can overcome it to find the love you desire. You
have control over how you feel.
o You need to understand what the other person wants. For a man, that’s to
provide for and protect his woman. And it’s up to the woman to trigger this
instinct.
o If you push away those who love you, you might need to break down some
walls and have fun before you can appreciate love wholly.
o Love should not be based on high or low standards, respect yourself
and those around you by creating realistic standards and see where this
takes your love life.
o If you’re feeling unloved by the people around you, perhaps you don’t
love yourself enough. When you don’t love yourself, you cannot accept
love shown to you.