QUIT THE

CONFLICT
10 WAYS
TO PREVENT
FIGHTS BEFORE
THEY START

MEAGEN
GIBSON
What’s Inside
Introduction 3

If you have to be right, you’ll probably fight 4

Did you hear me okay? Repeat back what I say 6

Love is an action and your partner

has the instruction manual 8

When all else fails, dance! 10

Acknowledge your own stress cues

and take a time out 12

Unplug to connect 15

Is it intimacy or intensity? 17

Find respect through gratitude 19

Fight fair 21

Know when to walk away 23

2
Introduction
Even the very best relationships are susceptible to
conflict - some more regularly than others. Many of us
have been taught that conflict means a relationship is
struggling, or even over. The reality is conflict isn’t just
normal, it can also be productive and beneficial to a
relationship if handled correctly.

That’s why I’ve created this guide to help you stop fights before they
start and help you turn conflict into a conduit for deeper connection,
intimacy, and joy within your partnership and closest relationships.

What you’ll find below are 10 of the best methods and insights I’ve
discovered over the last 25 years of interviewing internationally
respected relationship experts. I’ve used these tips, tools and
techniques in my own marriage and relationships. I want you to use
them to create the strongest, most compassionate, reciprocal, and
life-affirming relationships possible.

The best part is that these tips are incredibly effective, don’t cost
anything, and can be implemented immediately to help heal and
strengthen your most important relationships. Each tip has a related
interview featured in the Relationship Super Conference if you want
to go deeper and learn more.

Meagen Gibson
CEO Conscious Life

3
If you have
to be right,
you’ll
probably fight
1
When talking through difficult topics, it’s natural to feel strongly and
stubbornly about what you think and believe. As often as possible
though, try to listen and understand what the other person is saying
instead of waiting to hear something you agree with.

Stay curious and lean in when you notice the urge to convince
the other person that you’re right. Curiosity will help the tension
pass, and allow you to examine why you feel so strongly about
being right on a topic. At its core, the need to be right is usually a
defense mechanism, and somewhere along the way, maybe you’ve
subconsciously decided that being wrong means failing. This
pattern, along with avoiding the possibility that you may be wrong,
may save your self esteem temporarily, but at what cost?

4
 The fact is you can’t nurture
connection while defending
yourself.

You can’t listen to hear if you’re busy collecting evidence for your
arguments. This leaves your partner or loved one feeling unheard,
invalidated, and attacked by your lack of curiosity and understanding.

Remember that most of the time, the “what” you’re arguing about
isn’t necessarily relevant. The “how” of your approach to discussing
it is the real problem if you’re both insisting that you’re right. It’s hard
to face this truth, but your own bruised ego is far easier to heal from
than the permanent damage to a relationship that can be caused
by defensiveness.

The good news is that no matter what you’re discussing, your

opinion on the subject matter doesn’t have to budge an inch - as
long as you’re extending respect and a desire to hear your partner
throughout the conversation. A great way to do this is to use phrases
like, “Can you say more about that?” or “What did you mean by…?”

And of course, pay attention to your body language. Uncross your

arms and legs, face and open yourself up to your partner. Put your
phone down. Try to relax your brow and smile if you can manage it.
If your discussion does escalate into a fight, check out Jocelyn
and Aaron Freeman’s talk “Shortening Argument Hangovers,”
which provides an excellent plan for how to repair things after
a disagreement.

5
Did you hear
me okay?
Repeat back
what I say
2
One of the easiest ways to help your partner feel safe, seen,
and soothed is to communicate that you understand their thoughts
and feelings.

The biggest secret? You don’t even have to agree with them! When
we repeat–or paraphrase–our partner’s words back to them, it
ensures that we aren’t misinterpreting their words with our own
internal stories.

Saying things like, “So what I hear you saying is…” or “If I hear you
right, you feel…” or “Sounds like…” helps our partners communicate
more clearly with us when they hear how we’ve received what
they said.

6
 One effective way to increase your
partner’s ability to hear you is to
transition accusations into
“I” statements.

For example, instead of saying, “You’re always late for everything and
it stresses me out!” try, “I feel really disrespected when we agreed
on a time to leave and you’re late. It makes me feel stressed, like my
time isn’t as valuable as yours is to you, and it’s hard for me to enjoy
being together when we start from there.”

Your partner can tell when you’re choosing your words responsibly
with care for their feelings while also communicating your own. It
makes it easier for your partner to really hear you, and decreases the
likelihood that they’ll feel the need to defend themselves.

For partners of people who process things inwardly before sharing

them, these emotionally intelligent listening skills can be even
more important. People who process outwardly figure things out
by talking through them. While their words are still important, an
outward processor may not have an attachment to how they’re heard
or received because they’re still working through their thoughts
themselves. Inward processors may have been ruminating over a
situation or feelings for a while before they communicate outwardly,
so it can feel more important that they be heard and understood as a
reflection of how important the interior reflection has been.

Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt describe their method
for helping couples embrace a sense of wonder when listening
to their partner. This wonder is the basis from which couples can
embrace their differences and increase empathy and connection.

7
Love is an
action and
your partner
has the
instruction
manual
3
A lot of us do things for our partner that we, ourselves, would
appreciate. For example, offering a massage when what our partner
really needs is help with household tasks. While your intentions
may be in the right place, instead try asking your partner what
makes them feel loved. Showing your partner affection in a way
that’s meaningful to them has a deeper, longer-lasting impact than
gestures or words that you might prefer yourself, or than a quick
“I love you” as you walk out the door for work.

8
Again, curiosity is the key here. Understanding not only the “what”
but the “why” will help deepen your connection and strengthen
your relationship. For instance, it may be easy to view your partner
as rigid and inflexible when it comes to keeping the house tidy. But
when you ask them with sincerity why it’s so important, you have the
opportunity to learn more about them and to foster a more intimate
understanding. This deeper knowledge can quickly transform the
simple task of making sure the clothes are put away neatly from a
chore to an act of service.

In other words, you do something

not because it’s important to you,
but because you understand how
important it is to your partner.

This type of generosity feeds on itself when a reciprocal relationship

of curiosity and intimacy is prioritized. The partner who needs things
tidy is more likely to walk away from a moderate mess to hold hands
on the couch with their partner who needs physical touch if their
own needs have been recognized and met in the past.

Remember that our biological need for connection is fundamental to

our relationships. In this amazing talk, Dr. Stan Tatkin describes how
we can make our own explicit guidelines for relating that allow us to
show up however we feel.

9
When all
else fails,
dance!
race, you get the idea!
4
In any relationship, distance can be healed with movement. If you’ve
ever seen two rivalrous siblings band together to win a three legged

So try getting a fun, multicolored disco ball light, turn on something

that makes you feel silly, and see how many times in one song you can
dip your partner. You could even try learning a TikTok dance together.
You don’t have to post it publicly, but the act of being ridiculous
together works well with friends, parents, partners, and kids.

Don’t worry, no special skill required. In fact, if you’ve ever eaten

something delicious and done a little dance from how happy it made
you, you know how to chair dance. You don’t even have to stand up
to show your moves. Grab a wooden spoon, attach some tissue, and
you’ve got a magic wand anyone can use to express themselves to
the music from a seated position.

10
 Dancing also increases endorphins
– chemicals produced by our
nervous system that decrease
pain and increase happiness.

With physical movement, you don’t necessarily have to search for the
right words to express yourself, and you don’t run the risk of missing
the mark. Partnered dancing also makes you both more receptive
to connection and open minded. A conversation you know might be
tense can be much less difficult if you dance before you dive in.

It won’t fix everything, but dancing helps you attune to one another.
For tips on starting relationships on the right foot and deepening
existing relationships check out Dr. Daryl Johnson’s talk.

11
Acknowledge
your own
stress cues
and take a
time out
5
Many times, our unconscious triggers and personal histories can pop
up when we least expect them. Even good, happy conversations with
people we love can bring up difficult thoughts and feelings.

Pay attention to what happens in your body when you feel stress.
Does your breathing get shallow or fast? Does your stomach begin to
tighten? Do you purse your lips or feel the urge to burst into tears?

Getting curious can help you ask your partner for a break without
them feeling abandoned. Try saying something like, “I’m noticing I’m
really upset and I’m not sure why. I need to take a few minutes to
calm down. Can we come back to this conversation in five minutes?”

12
Asking for space while promising to return to the conversation after
a predetermined time has passed communicates to your partner that
you are in tune with your needs and that your conversation matters.

Overall and long term, it’s helpful to recognize larger stress cues
before they cause conflict in your relationships. Maybe you experience
forgetfulness, clumsiness, or get short-tempered when under stress.
Then suddenly, you’re lashing out at your partner who wasn’t aware of
the stress slowly building for you beneath the surface.

Taking an inventory of your stress

level and learning how to rest,
reset, and recharge can help you
avoid arguments.

Something as simple as taking a shower when you get home, taking

a few minutes to journal about what was tough about your day, or
allowing yourself a few minutes in silence alone before you tackle the
stress of your nighttime family routine can help you put aside your
stress so you can connect with those you love.

13
When in doubt, try making a list. Often, our relationships suffer
because our partner has no idea how much we are actually taking
on. Making a list not only helps us stay organized, it helps us share
with our partners why we feel overwhelmed or stressed. Asking
for help or re-prioritizing our needs is much easier when the task
list is clear. Even if they can’t directly help with the stressors, your
partner can usually help you see where you may need to set better
boundaries in your work or relationships, and can support you in
making those changes.

Sometimes, we’re so flooded with stress, that even organizing

our thoughts and feelings feels too overwhelming. Alex Howard’s
talk, Masks That Block Emotional Intimacy, is a great place to start
when beginning to familiarize yourself with your own feelings and
reactivity.

14
Unplug
to connect
6
We’re more connected to the outside world than ever before with
smart phones and devices constantly competing for our attention.
Working from home and sleeping with phones on our nightstand has
blurred the lines of the work-life balance. News alerts and social
media app notifications are anticipating our interests and needs
without us ever uttering a word.

It’s no wonder we hesitate to have

deep conversations when we can
binge our interests effortlessly with
devices already at our fingertips.

Try to spend at least a couple nights a week device-free (that includes

Netflix!) and instead play a game, go on a date, or use conversation
starter card decks to learn something new about your partner.

A game you can play as a family is “what would you most want to have
if you were stranded on an island?” No cheating and saying a boat!

15
Break it down into categories: food, music, tools, books, comfort
items. You may be surprised by the things your loved one absolutely
can’t live without and why. Asking follow up questions is where the
rich stories come forward that help you really understand them.

This type of undistracted, playful, and mindful connection is what

helps you develop emotionally intelligent, critical listening skills in a
low-stress situation that is unlikely to turn into an argument.

Hard conversations get easier

when we create connection
outside of conflict.

With practice, we remember we’re on the same team working toward

the same goal, regardless of the circumstances. From here, we
can work on using this trust to communicate desire, which Justine
Dawson describes in her great interview.

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Is it
intimacy
or intensity? 7
If you find yourself in disagreements with your partner often, you
might be craving conflict as a substitute for connection. Especially
in relationships that begin with intense emotions and feelings, be
aware that once that fire burns out after a period of time (as it does
in all relationships), you might be trying to replace that connection
with the intensity that comes with big disagreements.

Instigating a fight or blowing up a small misunderstanding might

work a few times to draw you back together, but over time, it creates
a phenomenon known as a trauma bond.

If you can only connect deeply

out of desperation and conflict,
it’s time to reevaluate how you
initiate intimacy.

17
Learning about the attachment styles of relationships will help
tremendously. How was intimacy modeled for you as a child? Did
your parents have intense fights, but you never witnessed them
resolved peacefully? Or maybe after a big argument, one of your
caregivers would lavish the other with expensive, extravagant gifts,
gestures, or words of affection.

This type of behavior informs the development of your nervous

system, and your brain makes associations between love and
abuse or neglect. Repair in relationships is a vital part of conflict
resolution in healthy relationships. However, when the attempt at
repair is excessive - large gifts or heaping praise for example - it is
manipulative. We all want to be taken care of and loved, so gifts and
praise feel good. Our nervous system releases oxytocin, a hormone
vital in bonding, and we begin to associate our worthiness of praise,
attention, and gifts as a condition of conflict.

Healthy relationships, on the other hand, are safe and predictable.

There is no need to hide, lie, or avoid conflict in order to get the love
you deserve in healthy relationships. Real intimacy means you can be
yourself fully around the other person and can make space for your
partner to fully be themselves. For more information on this subject,
Heather Monroe explains how to heal relational trauma and get you
back to a healthy connection with yourself and your partner.

18
Find respect
through
gratitude 8
When resentments pile up and hurt feelings go uncommunicated, a
great way to reconnect to the respect you have for your partner is
through gratitude. Often, when we’re in a place of disconnection, we
can’t remember all the things we appreciated or admired about our
partner. All we can see in moments of conflict is what they are NOT
doing or what they are doing that irritates us. But here’s the thing:
I’ve yet to meet a person who intentionally goes through their day
trying to infuriate their partner.

Sometimes we extend thoughtfulness and kindness to the people

we’re in intimate relationships with last. We take these relationships
for granted after pouring ourselves into our relationships at work and
in the world all day.

Often, our partners feel like “everything I do is for you.” It’s hard to
recognize these efforts when we do not directly feel a personalized
connection to these unseen acts of service.

19
Spend a few days intentionally looking for the good in the person you
chose. Reconnect with the characteristics of your partner you found
attractive at the beginning of your relationship. They are there, and
they are likely unchanged. After all, YOU are a great person and you
have incredible taste!

When we acknowledge these

attributes, it moves our attitude from a
place of need to one of generosity and
recognition.

You don’t even have to share your gratitude with your partner. Your
gratitude will help loosen those resentments and remind you that your
partner does not exist only to make you happy. Take charge of your
own happiness before you look to someone else to fulfill your needs.

20
Fight fair

9
According to the Gottman Institute, there are four main behaviors in
conflict that will determine whether a couple will survive long term.

The first is name calling or criticisms of your partner’s character.

Any sentence that starts with, “You’re such a…” and ends with a
demeaning adjective is likely one that will be unfair, unkind, and
regrettable at a later time. Just like you can’t put toothpaste back in
the tube, you can’t take back careless words said in the intensity of
a conflict.

The second conflict behavior to watch out for is defensiveness. This

might happen when your partner comes to you with a criticism and
you immediately shift the blame away from yourself back on to them.
For example, your partner says, “Can you please pick your clothes
up off the chair in our bedroom?”. Perhaps feeling like this request
is really an accusation about your sloppiness, disorganization, or
attention to your environment, you reply with something like, “My
clothes are nothing compared to the dishes you left in the sink for
three days! I’m not nearly the slob you are!” This method is confusing
and leaves your partner feeling completely invalidated, like they can’t
make a request without being attacked.

The third behavior is contempt or making your partner feel less than
or inferior to you. Behavioral signs of contempt are things like eye
rolling, looking down on someone, or smiling insincerely. In verbal
communication, contempt sounds like sarcasm or aggressive humor
aimed at your partner.

21
The fourth behavior identified by the Gottman Institute is
stonewalling. This looks like abandoning an argument and ignoring
your partner. If you walk away from a conflict, but never return to
resolve and repair the relationship, that is stonewalling. The silent
treatment is also a form of stonewalling.

Try to increase your consciousness around these behaviors when

tensions rise between you and your partner. One way to do this is to
familiarize yourself with the way men and women react differently to
stress and tension, which John Gray describes in this talk.

22
Know when
to walk away
10
Are you carrying the emotional load in your relationship? If you’re
always the one putting forth the effort, it’s time to evaluate your role
and investigate why. If invitations to connect, deepen, or strengthen
your relationship leave you questioning or feeling bad about yourself,
your partnership may be at risk.

The reality is that some

relationships can’t be saved
through only one person’s efforts,
self-development and learning.

It takes two partners committed to learning and growing together

to thrive in the midst of what life throws at you. While everyone can
occasionally behave selfishly and exhibit narcissistic tendencies,
the real sign of trouble is if your partner is after power, domination,
and control of you or others. If your relationship is all about your
partner and they lack empathy toward you or others, it may be time
to move on.

Learn how to identify and navigate narcissism in yourself or your

partner in Dr. Keith Witt’s dynamic talk.

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