REAL LIFE STORIES

FROM THE HUMAN RESOURCES DEPARTMENT

Compliments of Associates Board JVS Los Angeles

Edited & Illustrated by John Nemoy
 Design by Todd Bergstrom
Real Life Stories From The Human Resources Department
© 2003 JVS LA. All Rights Reserved.
 FOREWARD
This book resulted from the working partnership between
local Human Resources (HR) professionals and JVS, a non-
profit, non-sectarian agency, which serves people in the
greater Los Angeles area who are looking for work, seeking
career advancement or are interested in better managing
their work environment. Founded in 1931, JVS is committed
to helping people help themselves in a caring way that
supports human dignity and respects each individual's
capabilities and potential. In addition to customized career
services designed for the high-level executive or white-collar
professional, JVS services reach out to disadvantaged
populations, which include people on public assistance,
dislocated workers, people with disabilities, immigrants and
refugees, high-risk youth, mature workers, and individuals
facing specific barriers to employment. JVS' closest allies and
partners in this work are the HR professionals, working on the
front lines of local business and industry.

The HR professional is the liaison between the company and

its employees. In essence, the HR professional deals with
people, which is no easy task. It requires intelligence,
objectivity and compassion. It also takes a healthy sense of
humor. Whether it's laughing at one's own predicament or
laughing at the antics of others, humor reveals our humanity
and our common experience.

This book contains stories written by HR professionals about

real life, on the job experiences. These stories give a glimpse
into the trials and tribulations of the HR professional, while

3
 reminding us of the importance of maintaining a strong work
ethic and a high level of professionalism. Although we may
laugh at the confused, inconsiderate, rude and, at times,
even dishonest job seeker or employee, it is not because we
find humor in someone else's misfortune, but rather because
we can relate to it. We have all slipped on the proverbial
banana peel at one time or another.

This book reveals the challenges facing HR professionals and

offers lessons in how not to behave at work.

HR professionals throughout the Los Angeles area were kind

enough to donate their stories for this book. My editing
focused on removing names and creating consistency among
the stories. Additional edits were due to space, not quality. In
closing, special thanks to Salli and Bernie Harris, Jennifer
Hannon, Chuck Gold, Vivian Seigel, Linda Lee, Katherine
Moore and The Associates Board of JVS Los Angeles.

John Nemoy
JVS Associates Board

4
 TABLE OF CONTENTS

OBTAINING THE ELUSIVE JOB INTERVIEW ………… 7

THE JOB INTERVIEW …………………………………… 9

THE PROBATION PERIOD ……………………………… 20

UNPRODUCTIVE BEHAVIOR …………………………… 23

BUSINESS ATTIRE ……………………………………… 25

HEALTH INSURANCE …………………………………… 26

INCOMPETENT BEHAVIOR …………………………… 27

PARTY! PARTY! PARTY! ………………………………… 28

BELLIGERENT BEHAVIOR ……………………………… 31

5
6
 OBTAINING THE ELUSIVE JOB INTERVIEW

Job interviews can be scary and at times may take

extraordinary efforts to obtain, but even so, there is no reason
to resort to these tricks:

"Hi my name is so and so and I just used my star 69 call

return....did you call me for an interview? Well, are you
sure someone else didn't call me for an interview
because my caller ID shows your number."

"Your boss (or the president of the company, etc.) told

me to call you to set up an interview time."

"Hello, my name is so and so and I'm from the field

office. I was hired and started work last Monday and my
boss asked me to phone you for the paperwork."

Send an email with the heading "RE: Interview" and a

message reading: "Anytime tomorrow or Wednesday will
be fine. Thanks again, I will call you this afternoon to
confirm the time!"

During a job fair, a waiting applicant told me off because I

asked him to keep his voice down. The arrogant fellow then
had the nerve to ask when I would be getting back to him
regarding the position.

7
 I had one lady blow her interview. After I agreed to fly her to
our corporate headquarters for an interview, she asked if our
company would pay for her personal secretary as well. When
I declined, the applicant became nasty, belligerent and rude.
She argued that she would be unable to do her job that day
and needed her secretary. (Do you want this job or what?) In
the end, I reconsidered and would not bring her in for the
interview. She simply did not have the team spirit.

I received a cover letter for an administrative assistant

position which stated, "I pay strong attention to detal."
(Apparently, she doesn't.)

8
 THE JOB INTERVIEW
I had a woman come in for an interview, which had not been
scheduled. She insisted that she had spoken with a "so and
so" and this person had set up an interview for this time. We
didn't know "so and so," but she was adamant that she was
called by him from the XYZ company (we were the ABC
company). She apparently transposed our address for theirs
and was at the wrong office. We offered her the phone; the
other business was 30 minutes away and it was time for her
interview!

I had a job interview with one young woman. She had the
confidence to acknowledge her nervousness. I did my best to
put her at ease, but to no avail. A few minutes into the
interview the applicant said she felt sick. I offered her the
trash can. The applicant politely declined, stood up and
vomited all over my desk.

I had one droopy young man who always came in midweek

to fill out an application. When we told him we didn't need
more than one, he mailed one in. He returned each week for
two months, to check on his application and ask for a job. I
never considered him for an interview. He was inexperienced
and just seemed so dreary. I finally gave him a shot at an

9
 interview, hoping I would be able to either get a good feeling
about him, and give him a shot, or finally give him the closure
that it was not going to happen.

The fifteen-minute interview was long and draining. His

responses to my questions were all the same. They were either
"yes," "no," or "I don't know" and little else. I tried all the
smiling and charm I could muster, but he never left his shell.
With this behavior and no experience I knew there was no
hope of hiring him. I told him that I didn't think there was an
opening that would fit his skills and wished him luck on his
job search.

Sure enough, he came back the next week to see if there was
now an opening in which he was qualified for. Too bad he
couldn't trade some of that persistence in for some charisma!

I had a candidate read a newspaper during a face-to-face

interview.

10
I had a middle-aged applicant arrive for an interview wearing
headphones and carrying a portable CD player. She was
chewing gum and "rocking out" to the music (trying to impress
me that she could do
multiple tasks at the
same time?) I even
asked if she wanted to
put the headphones on
the desk but she said no.
It was obvious during
our time together that
she was distracted by
what she was hearing.
Needless to say, she did
not get the job.

When an applicant entered my office for the second job

interview, she asked, "Have you gained weight since the last
time I saw you?" When I replied, "No, I don't think so," she
responded, "Oh, yes, you have. You look much better than
the last time I saw you. You looked really anorexic then. Do
you have kidney trouble or something?"

11
 I had a job applicant come in with her husband. They were
from a foreign land and every question I asked her, the
husband would answer. I had to keep telling myself not to
overreact, but it was very difficult. I finally told her (I mean
them) that I would call them if we decided to make an offer.
As they got up to leave, the husband came over to my desk
and offered me money to give her the job. I couldn't get them
out of my office fast enough. I did some research and learned
that in their country this was a common practice.

An applicant for a cook position listed on his application that

he had most recently worked at the Bars Cafe in Attica, New
York. He specifically noted that the Bars Cafe was no longer
in business, and suggested that I call his previous supervisor
at a deli where he had worked for a few years in New York
City.

I obligingly called the deli supervisor and asked him to

comment on the individual's work performance. "I remember
him," the supervisor said and then asked, "He gave me as a
reference?"

I said, "Well, yeah."

"I'm curious," the supervisor said. "Where did he say he

worked after he left our deli?"

12
"He worked at a place in Attica named the Bars Cafe," I
replied. "But it's no longer in business."

The deli supervisor chuckled. "We fired the guy because he

had been arrested for a felony assault and battery. What he's
referring to in Attica is the State Prison where he must have
been sent away."

That pretty much ended the conversation. Needless to say, we

chose to send a "Thanks, but no thanks" letter to the aspiring
cook with the creative application.

I was interviewing for positions in a manufacturing company

and one job applicant was a current employee of the
company that my husband works for. In fact, my husband was
the applicant's immediate supervisor. For weeks, I had been
hearing horror stories over the dinner table about this
particular gentleman - low productivity, poor attitude, etc. I
brought him into my office and made sure that I introduced
myself with my first and LAST name. I even gave him my
business card up front, hoping that he would see that my
(uncommon) last name was the same as his supervisor's.
Alas, this poor gentleman didn't get the connection. When I
asked him about his current position, he went into a long
litany of complaints about his current employer and the fact

13
 that his supervisor is stupid, doesn't know what he's doing,
etc. Needless to say, it was very difficult keeping a straight
face. I finished the interview, and couldn't wait to get back to
my office and call my husband.

I interviewed a young recent graduate of a prestigious

university. After two minutes of answering questions as to why
he selected Biology as his major, I interrupted him and said,
"Excuse me, but I haven't understood anything you have said.
Are you aware that in the last minute and a half you have
used the word 'like" twenty-three times, and not once in a
grammatically correct way?" His response, "I guess this
means, you know, like, I'm, you know, like not getting the
job?" I said, "like, right". I suggested that, before he goes on
any more interviews, he should take a remedial English
course at a local community college. He was offended. This
poor young guy spent four and a half years earning a degree
(3.8 GPA) and he couldn't carry on a conversation with
anyone older than twenty-one.

14
I interviewed one job applicant who was thirty minutes late.
He apologized for running late and proceeded to ask me if
he looked sleepy. I said, "No" and continued with the
interview. He again asked if I was sure he didn't look sleepy
and then informed me that he had a late night. The
bizarreness didn't end
there. At the conclusion
of the interview he
asked, "When do I start?"
I responded that as part
of the interview process
we would be seeing
other candidates. As he
approached the door to
exit the room, he turned
around and said "I Love
You" and walked out of
my office.

When one particular job applicant showed up for his

interview, I asked, "Tell me something about yourself." His
answer: "Why, why do you want to know something about
me? Has my doctor been in touch with you? I told her that if
she called you, I would sue her. Be honest with me, has she
called you?" A bit distracted, I persevered and was able to ask
the second question.

15
 "Tell me how you solve problems." His answer: "Why do you
think I have problems? I don't have problems. Have my
previous employers called? They are all full of ----. I don't
have problems, they do. If they were here, I would be able to
prove it. They are the problem people, not me!"

I counseled him on the purpose of my questions and then

said, "I have just a few more questions." The gentleman bent
over at the stomach, wiped his brow, and asked, "How many
more questions do I have to answer?" He then lifted himself
out of the chair, and lay on the floor. The interview ended. I
finally convinced the gentleman to stand up and saw him to
the door. On the way out, he asked, "So, can I expect a call
from you to let me know when I should start?"

I interviewed a candidate for a payroll position who had been

doing payroll for a correctional facility for several years.
When I commented on his stability and asked why he decided
to leave his position after so long, he replied, "I got paroled."

16
A job applicant noted on his employment application and his
resume that he had graduated from college. I conducted a
standard pre-employment background check, and could not
confirm that this applicant received a college degree. I asked
the applicant about his college degree and he replied, "I have
pictures, they let me walk in the commencement."

When I asked a job applicant what was the one criticism

previous employers might have had of him, he stared at me
wide-eyed and told me, "They would criticize my demeanor
and say I have a bad temper." We didn't hire him.

As the head of my company, I interviewed dozens of

candidates for an internship position. During an interview an
applicant appeared smart, presentable and had the
necessary skills. His resume listed MS Access. Intrigued, I
said, "So you have a lot of experience with MS Access?" His
reply, "I've never used it in my life." "That's funny because it's
listed here as one of your skills," and I pointed to his resume.
Without hemming or hawing he said, "I had my girlfriend edit
my resume, I think she added some things."

17
 The candidate was chastened but not humiliated. He had
simply owned up to his action. So we kept talking. Finally, at
the end of the conversation I asked him, "Is there anything
else on your resume that you want to tell me about?" "No," he
replied. "It's mostly all true."

I hired him -- but only after checking references!

Our applicants are asked voluntarily to identify their ethnic

background. This is done for statistical reasons and has no
impact on the hiring process. One candidate was very
anxious to make a good impression and seem amendable to
new ideas.

The form has:

Black (non-Hispanic)
Asian/Pacific Islanders
Native American Indian
Caucasian
Hispanic/Latino
"Other__________"

This applicant used the "Other" category and indicated his

race as "Open." It's always refreshing to meet candidates who
think outside the box and are willing to learn new things from
their employer.

18
I was interviewing an applicant who was very excited about
working by the beach. He loved the beach but lived thirty
minutes away in the city.

When I explained to him the portion of the application that

permits us to do full background checks, he informed me that
we would find some "activity" with the law. I asked him to
explain. He said his driver's license had been suspended for
a year because he had so many unpaid parking tickets.
Curiosity got the better of me, I asked him: "How did you get
to the interview?" Very matter-of-factly, he replied: "Oh, I
drove."

19
 THE PROBATION PERIOD
I received a call one morning from an agitated client. He was
worried about a possible wrongful termination lawsuit. Two
weeks earlier he hired a receptionist. The new employee
busied herself doing her nails, surfing the Internet, and
socializing with co-workers. She was doing everything but
answering the phone and greeting visitors. I assured my client
that there was no wrongful termination potential because of
the short period of employment plus the "receptionist's" lack
of job performance. But, to document matters, I asked my
client to ask the employee why she wasn't doing her job and
call me back. Ten minutes later the client called back. The
employee's excuse: her mother told her that she doesn't have
to take orders from anyone! I told my client to tell her that his
mother told him not to pay anyone who refuses to do her job.
The receptionist was terminated.

20
The company I worked for implemented a pre-placement
drug and alcohol test. As much as we tried to avoid it,
sometimes the managers let the employees start working
before completing the test. I received a call one day from the
HR manager asking me what to do with an employee who
had just failed the alcohol test. The employee was brand new
and they had just conducted his orientation and put him on
payroll that same day.
I advised them to terminate immediately. Unfortunately, the
individual was well qualified and would be hard to replace.
The supervisor really wanted to keep him. When I asked what
the position was, she told me he was to be the lead
mechanic.
I couldn't suppress my sarcasm
when I asked her if that was
someone they would want
working on their machinery; to
say nothing of making him a
"lead" person.
It was also odd that the
individual failed the test shortly
after leaving their facility. This
meant he had either been
under the influence the whole
time, or he had had something
to drink between the time he left the facility and the time he
got to the test. Apparently he had become anxious that he
wouldn't be able to produce a urine sample, so on the way to
the test he stopped and had a few beers! Fortunately, they
did follow my advice and let him go.
21
 We hired a young woman for a receptionist position (a cash
handling job). On the application she marked "no" to
convictions, but when we did a background check, she had
a felony conviction (including prison time) for armed robbery.
I sat her down to rescind the job offer. When asked about the
conviction she said that she was carrying a banana in her
pocket and the victim had mistaken it for a gun and threw her
purse down.

Apparently the judge and jury didn't believe her either.

I was instructed to start the paperwork for our new Financial

Analyst, who had just been hired by my manager. When I
looked at his resume, I became concerned about his ability
to do this difficult job. His experience included a year as the
supervisor of the sales department of a big box retailer and
as an account manager for a mini-blind company. I checked
his references and discovered that his mini-blind stint was
only three months, not the year indicated on his resume. The
owner of the mini-blind company also informed me that this
'financial analyst' encouraged her to fib for him by offering
her dinner and he became intimidating when she declined. I
fired him personally.

22
 UNPRODUCTIVE BEHAVIOR
I counseled a young designer about his continuous inability
to get to work on time. His response: he lives to surf and work
was in conflict with his lifestyle. He said the company should
understand this and he shouldn't be asked to modify his life
for his job. He left the company -- on his own.

23
 I had an employee who had a little bit of a problem
understanding the concept of working. He was frequently
wandering around the building instead of working at his desk.
He never seemed to be able to return from lunch or break on
time. I spoke to him, but without results. I sent him a written
warning, again no results. I suspended him for three days
without pay and finally saw some improvement, but not
much. The final straw was when his supervisor walked into the
break area and caught him playing ping-pong about half an
hour after his lunch break.

Naturally, we made the decision to terminate; I got all the

paperwork together, brought him into my office and told him
that he was being terminated. About twenty minutes into the
termination procedure (COBRA, Unemployment Insurance,
final check, etc.) I suddenly saw the light bulb go on over his
head. He sat up straight and said, "This means I have to get
another job!" Bingo.

24
 BUSINESS ATTIRE
Our company issues uniforms to workers in the production
area. We have male uniforms and female uniforms, as
applicable. When a young male employee surgically altered
his sex, he wanted the female uniform. I referred him to our
doctor who said that he was now more female than male.
Based on this medical opinion, we issued him a female
uniform. This caused a major disturbance. One of our gay
employees, who always wanted a female uniform, demanded
that he too be issued a female uniform. When I argued that
the other employee was not gay, but now female, he accused
us of discriminatory behavior.

Needless to say, we went to a gender-neutral uniform.

25
 HEALTH INSURANCE
An employee was having difficulties with his dental insurance,
so I asked him to send me his claims via email. I received his
email and when I opened the attachments, they were not
dental claims, but explicit pictures of two exotic females from
other countries. When I called and asked him about this, he
stated that it's his personal email address and not the
company's email. I tried to explain to him that he sent the
photos to me and I didn't even have his personal email
address. He didn't admit to anything. But, obviously, he
mailed the photos to me by mistake.

I never did find out what happened to his dental claims.

I received a call from an employee who was filling out some

insurance paperwork. She didn't know what "REN" meant.
Puzzled, I asked her what was she talking about. She
responded that the enrollment form has different dollar co-
pay amounts for single employee or family. Next to child
there is a parenthesis with (ren). When I explained that it was
child(ren) as in Child or CHILDREN, she was really
embarrassed!

26
 INCOMPETENT BEHAVIOR

I had to terminate a landscaper due to his habit of sleeping

in various locations around the property - - while on duty!
When I told him of his termination, he asked why. I told him
that it was due to his being seen sleeping on the job. He then
stood up and shouted, "No matter how drunk I get at work, I
would never fall asleep on the job."

I received a phone call from a concerned citizen who spotted

our school bus parked in front of a liquor store. Apparently,
the driver was shopping while on duty!

27
 PARTY! PARTY! PARTY!
As I was cleaning up the work area of a terminated
employee's desk, I discovered several pictures. They were
taken during a recent business trip to Las Vegas. There were
about 50 pictures in all (taken with a company digital camera
no less) of a party going on in one of the manager's hotel
rooms. There were drinks and liquor bottles everywhere. As
the night carried on, the pictures became more and more
suggestive. No nudity, but some very suggestive couples and
group pictures with the manager.

"So how was your business trip last month?" was how the
investigation started. We were not concerned with the after
hours behavior of the employees, but having it in the
manager's hotel room was over the line.

28
When I worked at a nice private golf club, there was a waiter
who was very dedicated to his annual July 4th party. He lived
near the university stadium where they had a giant fireworks
display every year so he always had a big party with a free
show.

But this particular year was going to be different; the

members of the country club decided that they would also
have a big party that night with their own fireworks display.
This was to be a large event and we needed the entire staff -
no exceptions. The waiter protested. He had asked for the
day off two months prior. Unfortunately, we could not honor
his request.

On the night of the 4th, as the sun was setting and the
barbecue coals were cooling, the bartender ran up to tell me
that "Mr. Independence" was vomiting in the restroom. When
I got to the restroom, I couldn't imagine that the waiter could
possibly have any more vomit yet he was still heaving in the
restroom! With all of my employees now sick to their
stomachs and a very nasty mess to clean, I sent the sick guy
home.

The next day, I found out that he went home, showered and
made the fireworks show and his annual house party.
Apparently, he drank TONS of water all night and a little
bottle of ipecac. You know, the stuff you give kids to induce
vomiting after they swallow poison.

29
 Next year, were he still with us, I would kindly ask that he just
CALL IN SICK like every other disgruntled employee.

30
 BELLIGERENT BEHAVIOR
We had a very scary incident where an employee became
quite threatening. He was new to the job and was having
difficulty following instructions, believing that his way was
always the best way.

As it was still during his probation period we let him go.

The next day, he came back and was very upset. He

demanded to see the HR Manager, who luckily wasn't there.
We were able to cool him down and asked that he come
back the next day.

When the HR Manager returned, we briefed her on what just

happened. She became quite pale. She was at a meeting
concerning the very same individual. His website had a front
page with our logo and a sarcastic "motto" about
abandoning our employees. It bashed our products and our
management. More frighteningly were two pages that were
interlinked.

One page outlined his termination and how everyone

abandoned him and how we were terrible people. The other
page, an article about how homicide was the leading cause
of death in the workplace, was linked back to the termination
page and centered directly on the HR Manager's name.

Although we spent the next month with an armed guard

stationed in front of the HR office, there was luckily no further
incident with this gentleman. Unfortunately, the HR Manager
couldn't handle the stress and quit.

31
 A former Human Resources recruiter was constantly making
mistakes, but he saved his biggest blunder for the week of my
honeymoon. The recruiter accidentally emailed an entire
string of "employment offer letters" out to a single candidate.

We decided to discharge him upon my return.

I decided to terminate him at the stroke of 5:00 pm, his daily

departure time. I reminded him of our frequent conversations
concerning his numerous mistakes and lack of performance.
He took it all in stride, left my office and advised everyone
that he had been fired. He then returned to my office and
asked what he should do with his ten-gallon aquarium fish
tank. I responded that he should empty some of the water
and take it home.

He returned to his office and promptly dumped the aquarium

and its contents, fish and all into the trash can. Needless to
say his lack of professionalism was the epitome of why I
discharged him.

32
Our maintenance person moved into one of the company-
owned apartments and received a seventy percent discount
on his rent. The discount was not enough. He took the liberty
to "tone" the phone in his apartment with the telephone
number used at the entrance gate by residents to "buzz" their
guests through.

By the time the company caught the error, the employee had
run up telephone bills with calls all over the world. Over five
thousand dollars in three months, at $100 per bi-weekly
payroll, I estimate the amount owed will not be paid until
2005!

One of our clients had an interesting job applicant. A check

of his criminal record revealed:

5 counts: PC459 - Burglary (felony)

5 counts: PC4844(a) Credit Card Forgery (felony)
3 counts: H.S. 11378-Possess for sale
2 counts: PC470(b) Check Forgery (felony)
1 count: H.S. 11351 Possession for sale of cocaine
1 count: P.C. 476 Passing bad check
1 count: P.C. 484(e)(c) Acquire stolen/lost credit card with
intent to defraud (felony)
1 count: P.C.664-487(a) Attempted Grand Theft (felony)
1 count: P.C.H.S. 11364 Possession of Drug Paraphernalia
1 count: P.C.529.3-False Impersonation (felony)

33
 Subject was given 3 years formal probation, 1year county jail
with 172 days credit for time served and to pay $5,128.43
restitution and register as a narcotics offender.

His references showed he had been working through

temporary agencies!

If you have a story to submit, please email us at:

[email protected]

34
 Jobs. Vision. Success.

City Headquarters
6505 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 200
Los Angeles, CA 90048
(323) 761-8888

Valley Headquarters
22622 Vanowen Street
West Hills, CA 91307
(818) 464-3222

WorkSource Center
5757 Wilshire Boulevard
Promenade Three
Los Angeles, CA 90036
(323) 904-4900

Contact JVS
www.jvsla.org
[email protected]